#doesnt matter abt me or not ;; anyway !!!!!!!!!! i feel like crying every single time i think abt him !! i miss u wonder boy !! my special

[blackvail22]

i cannot help but become irritated when im near her. i know that is a toxic thing to say; i know its unhealthy for me. it just... happens

i tried to have a good day today because i was going out with my sister and b-i-l for my birthday and eating later with my whole immediate family. i did have fun! we bowled for 2hrs, went to a japanese bakery and got my birthday cake n some more treats, and i went to get milk tea.

everything was fine until i was near my mom.

i dont know what it is about her, but whenever im away from her for hours n i come back home, it just.... i just get so irritated.

i try to not talk so i dont get her irritated, but that always makes her go "aww, is someone mad?" or "why are you so pissed off for no reason" or gives me a look that shows shes seeing red.

on the way home from dinner, my parents were talking about a house that someone moved out of; they each gave different addresses for the house. my mom *insisted* she was correct, and--even though my dad literally said he may be wrong n doesnt rlly care abt the address--kept arguing that my dad was wrong and upset.

one thing abt my mom that i despise: EVERY SINGLE TIME you "irritate her soul" she will rant abt how much she hates you and at the end WITHOUT FAIL says "fucking trash bag bitch". what comes after that depends on the person... for me she'll say "fucking trash bag bitch, youre so fucking [r slur]" and for my dad she'll say "fucking trash bag bitch, child molesting mother fucker". there is one thats universal though which is "fucking trash bag bitch, i hope you fucking die"

oh! another thing abt that, SHE WILL LITERALLY SAY THAT ABT RANDOM PPL SHE SEES ON THE STREET AND ARE MINDING THEIR FUCKING BUSINESS

anyway, back to my story! while she was arguing w my dad (after telling me theyre not arguing) she said her signature line i stated above.

my dad went into the gas station after she said that to him and heres where i come in!

she was ranting to me "your dad get so upset over every little thing"

i said "well, you do that too"

she said "no he's just mad cuz he's wrong....he never fucking listens..."

*dad comes back to the car with 3 cigarette packs instead of 2 (my dad went into the gas station 4 my mom)*

"...again, he never fucking listens! he just hears what he wants to hear"

"yeah, i dont rlly want to listen to you rn. plus, all you said was 'cigarettes' you didnt say an amount"

"yes i did! i said '2 cigarettes'"

me: "no u only said 'cigarettes'"

mom: "dad, why are you mad?"

"because you keep going on abt something that doesnt matter to me!"

"no, its because youre wrong. youre all mad because youre wrong"

"no im not!"

*i look at the house through maps and tell them the correct address*

mom: "[my first name] shut the fuck up before you become homeless because youre getting real close"

dad: "stop fucking saying that! youre not kicking my daughter outm regardless, shes never gonna be fucking homeless"

*we get home*

dad: "i forgot to get smth to drink because of you"

mom: "yeah, you can get one of those little bottles [of alcohol] like you do every night" (my dad is a recovered alcoholic)

i told her she was irritating 🧍

she said "move tf out then"

i said "im trying to" (because i am)

im sitting in my room now wanting to scream, cry, fight. i feel so fucking .... tense. i feel tense. im so tired of having to deal with my mom. as much as living w a man by myself (even my dad) scared tf out of me, im so tempted to move into his tiny ass apartment and sleep in the living room. i cant live her anymore!!!

me n my friend have been talking abt getting an apartment/go apartment searching after i recover from my procedure that im having next week.

i need to room w her. i need to live w someone that doesnt fucking hate me! i need to save up every paycheck im having. even tho i go on a vacation end-october, im moving out and im going low-contact w my mom. i cannot deal w her anymore. i will get my license in a month/month-half time. im determined. i need to do anything to get away from her

[shameboree]

hey kels how did you figure out what you'd do for work?

do you mean profession or specialty? ill answer BOTH bc the answer is the same

GOT CANCER. WENT SEPTIC. ALMOST DIED. the single most influential event of my LIFE this is why i am so patient and like positive or whatever bc literally nothing is worse than almost dying. that shit SUCKED. anyway i knew i wanted to do SOMETHING in oncology but it took me years to even begin processing that shit and i worked FOR YEARS after in a meangirls viper pit i refer to exclusively as babyhell (daycare (derogatory)) so it took me a hot minute to really figure myself out.

DISCLAIMER that i am the kinda person who makes life choices QUICK AS SHIT bc i know myself really well and i have a pretty good sense of what i want. idk if u can tell but im a v fast pace kind of person so when i decided to become a nurse it was in like a 5min stretch of Thinking and then i was just like Yeah this is It. my RAPID FIRE thought process in those 5 min was basically is this a field where my personal attributes and experiences can make a positive impact on other ppl?? the answer was YES. i also thought CAN I MAKE MONEY?? the answer here was ALSO yes. TWO BIRDS, A SINGLE STONE.

in baby hell i WAS making positive impacts on kiddos and their families (several families left when i left bc of how much they trusted me blah blah) but like it was NOT rewarding to me. too much stress too little payoff bc i love kids but they arent my PASSION u feel?? ALSO pay was TRASH GARBO. ANYWAY when i thought abt working w cancer patients or people who i could relate to in terms of life/traumatic medical experiences it was something i immediately vibed w bc i knew that common ground could facilitate meaningful therapeutic interactions in an otherwise massively stressful environment.

for me, personally, its a matter of giving back. my oncology nurses fucking ROCKED and made me feel like a person during a time where even well meaning ppl reduced me to a pitiable diagnosis they could use to fuel their tragedy porn. i wanna PAY THAT SHIT FORWARD, so even working medsurg, the most NOTORIOUSLY MISERABLE AND SOUL SUCKING type of nursing there is (memes abt medsurg nurses wishing for death or being dead inside or crying every shift are TOO REAL) i still dont regret becoming a nurse and still find meaning and satisfaction in it even during shifts that make me feel batshit miserable and soul sucked.

choosing a Job or a Career doesnt need to hinge on WORTHINESS or POSITIVE IMPACT or whatever, ig its like what you find fulfilling!! and also not necessarily what youre GOOD at (eg a lot of GOOD AT DRAWS ppl go into art/ani industry and fucking LOATHE it every day. this is why i did not go to art skool). theres that pressure that u gotta figure urself out young as fuck blah blah etc but life can be long!!! you can go turtle pace. there were several 50-60+yos in my nurse school cohort!!

i am trying not to get soapbox pep talky here. anyway i only am an insane fast track nutbag bc i almost died, so basically thats how i make all my life choices.

[thisdreamplace]

ashamed to say the 3D reflects our true inner reality, yes? my ENTIRE family has turned against me, after some atrocious conflicts in which they all ganged up on me nd judged me, name-calling, very hurtful things too, provoked me. i been dealing with some serious mental uh 'issues' on my own nd when this happend i was already on the verge of a breakdown nd the good news is while the conflict happened i kept telling myself theyre only reflecting me u can get thru it etc. Later i looked at the hard facts nd realised some of the hurtful things they said were my deep secret feelings abt myself. BUT my question is why the HELL cant they talk to me like normal people? confronting one person vs whole family, why?! i felt so small nd like an object, nd not a single person defended me. am i not a part of the family?

Part 2 is simply its been a week and theyve still been cold towards me as if I yelled AT THEM ABT THEIR PAINFUL 'tRuThS' in front of EVERYONE LMAOOO. At first if i was around we'd have dinner together while they'd all talk to each other like best friends aka sickeningly overly friendly while completely IGNORING me while i sat there. i could tolerate it. I WAS PISSED AT THEM TOO Now its too painful. They're having dinner without telling me, yesterday didnt leave enough food for me knowing i hadnt eaten, serve tea/snacks without my portion. i honestly feel so unspeakably trigered nd sad. worst is these things r reminding me of deep school memories when id feel excluded like this by other kids at parties or class activities nd its like im back there. anyway im glad i controled myself a bit nd didnt counter with horrid things abt them to THEM yet they think they can say the same to me. im so hurt rn i cant even tell u lol i was okay the whole week but now its too much,, ive been crying the whole day

thing is, ik this seems like 'im a victim oh noooo they ganged up on meee'. Nope its more like how do i change myself to change them?! u could say why not talk to them how they made u feel, except whenever ive defended myself in the past regarding hurtful things they/anyone in family did, the siblings/parents would say irritating things like: "oh so YOU'RE the one hurt? Oh thats right, its because YOU'RE right! yes, yes, you're always right. Forgive me for saying anything against the perfect person u are." Or one of them says: "You?! I hurt YOU? What about me? You don't care about me! So you think what ur doing is okay?" or "no, who do YOU think u are to tell ME what to do?" it just goes in circles like this! i dont deserve to hurt myself or do smth to myself even if they dont give a damn, even if years of silent suffering of the 'mEntAL pRoBlEms' (which my lovely parents have already told me is my fault years ago, hence why I NEVER show it to them, unless im crying too much then lol they just mock me, but idc abt THAT bcoz now ik i hav a right to let out my emotions)). i mean this is worse rjan usual. its kinda insane nd when guests come they start talking to me as if nothing's wrong then when they leave, they ignore me!

this whole twisted dynamics, feelijf left out nd helpless is ig some crazy assumptin from childhood of being alone nd unable to defend myself. plus when they argye with anyone, they become overly self-righteous nd over the years its clear they can only scream, blame the scapegoat and never talk abt serious matter like normal ppl. And yes, in the past when i bring this up, they like to reply with stuff like: "no YOU'RE the one who doesnt talk to US bla bla" like, when i do u just shut me down? have belittled my mental 'issues', mocked me when im at my worst, stabbed me with cruel silent treatments nd thinking its alright "bcoz of self-righteousness blegh". Or maybe i think its okay for them to punish me? or whatev? Like law says u get what u r. if these ~~~ keep doing this to me, im doubly ashamed to say this means im the one at fault?! i let this monster assunptin grow nd now idk what to do. the worst thing imo is how i failed to tell them,even if they ignored me in the past, how i feel when anything like this or a conflict happens nd none of them stand up for me, or at least are neutral to me. bcoz now if i do, they say nope, u dont care what we do, YOUR the shameless one :! so yeah they hav the advantage of 'numbwrs' while im too afraid to stand up for myself lol. btw they never apologize nd i suspect they expect ME to apologize to TYEM bcoz everything's already ruined bcoz of 'me'..... i give up on them, i really do, but my heart hurts. Either i harden my heart, nd save up to move out, OR i try to change my self or whatev assumptins i have. But how do i do that? i try afirming: "my familys so nice to me, im respected by them" but it feels so fake tears literally enter my eyes lol

firstly i want to say, thank you for coming here to vent and being open about your feelings. it’s so important sometimes to just let it all out, without holding back. so that way you can move forward more bravely, to create the life you truly want to experience. that being said, i am going to be completely honest with you here in hopes that perhaps it may inspire you and you will be ready to do what is needed for the life you truly want to experience.

“BUT my question is why the HELL cant they talk to me like normal people?” -> “i felt so small nd like an object, nd not a single person defended me. am i not a part of the family?” here is your question, and here is your answer. i think that being completely honest when venting your feelings can actually be so helpful, because if you read back what you have said, you will be able to clearly find the patterns that are creating your personal hell. FEELING IS THE SECRET. ASSUMPTIONS HARDEN INTO FACT. the true way you feel, becomes your experience. Feelings/assumptions/beliefs come first, and the experiences come second to confirm them. That’s all that’s happening here.

i am glad that you were able to keep your reactions to a minimum! that's wonderful and as many of us know, it can sometimes be hard to do in such hurtful circumstances. but you managed to do it, this shows just a small glimpse of the power you truly hold within. although emotionally you may feel out of control, there is still the choice to choose better for yourself which you demonstrated through your reaction to them. good for you!

the truth is, you acknowledge the victim mindset to seem like you’re not engulfed in it, but no, you’re still very clearly engulfed in it. as i have said before, you can’t be a VICTOR and feel bad about it. feeling bad about taking responsibility, about everyone is you pushed out, about any of these types of concepts automatically shows a victim mindset. talking to them won’t do anything, because there are no second causes. you could talk to them nicely, you could be the nicest person in the world. but you can’t pretend your way out of your inner world. your inner world is the one and only cause of your experiences. until you change the story you tell yourself, they will stay the same. this is a hard pill to swallow sometimes. and it can feel heavily, because it’s ultimately only you’re choice. they can’t change until you do. the heaviness of the situation may make it seem impossible to turn around, but that’s just an illusion. your emotional attachment to the situation makes it seem so real and hard to change, but no. that’s just an illusion too. however, it’s ultimately your choice. Do you want to take responsibility for your life, or do you want to keep being tossed around like your lost at sea, victim to the merciless angry waves? Because we always have a choice. No one chooses your inner world, you do. No one can go into your mind and decide things for you, that’s only your job.

you can harden your heart, but who would be the one who suffers more? It won’t be your family, i can assure you. it’ll only be you. by doing that, you keep that old story alive and therefore you keep experiencing it. you keep those stories alive that are desperately showing themselves to you, saying “LET US GO.” but you remain identified with those painful stories, so you grip onto them tight. you keep on thinking of possible reasons for their behavior, but you could just read your entire ask back to yourself and you’ll see every reason. your reactions, your beliefs about them, your emotional pain. its your refusal to let those things go, and focus on what you truly want that keeps you in this state and keeps them in this state. sure it’s painful to face the responsibility at first, but it’s not a blame game. thinking its about blame is just a misunderstanding of the teachings. it’s not about they’re so perfect and you’re so not, so you have to change your ways. it’s about this is how life works here. this is about... you can ONLY ever experience self. whatever is going on within, will be reflected in your outer world. it’s about how they can’t change, UNTIL YOU DO. so instead of feeling sorry for yourself, you have to decide to give yourself the gift of a wonderful life because you have that power too. you stop deciding they can be in control of your experience, and you decide your experience yourself.

to change your assumptions, stop trying to affirm over them and actually face what’s keeping you from believing in your desires. yeah, it’s going to be painful and uncomfortable. but you need to face the pain that you’re running away from, so that it can finally be released. you have to realize, it only stayed true because you believed it to be true. and if you are to live a life free from that story, and experience a more desirable story, then you must let the pain go. give yourself love and grace as you work through it, and know that there is a more beautiful side of life that awaits for you to accept it in.

No One To Change But Self

There is Nothing to Forgive

How to Sit with Your Triggers

give yourself the time you need, it's not race. the love that you wish to experience exists, allow it in. 💖

[thrillridesz]

what will it take for you guys to realize that ff writers are human too. they are not less than any writer out there.. they put so much time, care and effort into their every word. heck, even reaching 1k words are hard for some,, we had to consider things before actually writing them down. we had to string each word, sentence, paragraph smoothly so it could have an elegant flow. and more often than never, we would overthink whether the emotions we portrayed in those stories actually resound within the readers. those are no easy tasks y'know.

just because we hid behind an idols name doesnt mean that we're associating them with those stuffs. NO. they're here as placeholders. their character that we saw thru screen is what we based it on; how they talk, act, etc. we do that because writing a character from scratch took too much and we would've given up halfway. it's not as easy as you think. but with idols or any other ff characters for that matter, we could freely explore. the base line for their personalities and actions were already drawn out, and we just need to think of a plot + how to build their character into something readers would enjoy.

even the most basic task of 'read to learn more abt this particular thing' proved to be hard. It's not just abt reading and dumping it all into our writings. we need to turn those information into our personal writing style w/o negating anything.

take writing an au for example,, it took a lot of research. why? cause we want the readers who are not familiar with those kinda stuff to experience the same euphoria, we would like them to feel as if they are able to picture being a painter/dancer/etc.

so please, please look past all those paradigms and appreciate us, ff writers ( every single fandom ). if you dont like the way we wrote things and such, please just ignore them or even block our blog ffs. would it kill to hit the block button? i mean, sending hurtful asks require more effort. why would you go through such lengths?

anyways, to all ff writers out there.. i am really thankful for all of the works you've create. and,, im sure someone out there will agree.

thank you for having the courage to post your works online.

thank you for writing.

thank you for expressing thoughts that are normally kept hidden within the depths of our hearts. through your writings, we could let our emotions flow freely.

thank you for making this year more tolerable, enjoyable.

thank you for being here.

ps. qiu, you and all of the writers out there are amazing ( idc if your blog is small/med/big ), all of you deserve the love and attention. I'd really like to support you ( all of you ) till the end if i could ❤❤❤

pps. sorry it's on anon, im using my sis' phone and i promised myself not to open toomblr until midterms are over. idek if those made sense tbh.

it does make sense and honestly thank you so so so much anon for this amazing message! This message is honestly everything and everything you said here, I wholeheartedly agree. You phrased it so well and honestly, I kinda wish this wasn’t on anon so I can thank you properly :(

I’m really grateful and happy to receive this message and knowing you went out of your way to send it is almost making me wanna cry 😭💙 whoever you are, I love you ❤️ this message is EVERYTHING ( Also all the very best for your midterms!! I feel like I know who this is haha but here’s some good luck 🍀🍀🍀🍀🍀)

tagging some writer mutuals because I think this message deserves to be shared

@atbzkingdom @chaoticdeobi @sankyeom @neoskidz @heartyyjeno @fluffytbz @sichengszn @todeobi @aniyawoos @2hyunjae @yangyanghater @thepixelelf @mjlkau @nzeeten @moondustaeil @127-mile @sly-merlin @sangyeon-lee @badwithten @lovely-kpop-writer @allhyuck @neo-cult-ure @sunhyuck @ukiyoexo @experimentalwrites @juyoens @the-romantiques @dreamydeobis

[headofhelios]

Ok I am a single follower but I like hannibal tv but would enjoy ur movie thoughts I like some of the books too and have been meaning to get around to the movies 😳😳

OKAY I'M EDITING A READMORE ONTO THIS LOL I REALIZED THATS SOMETHING I CAN DO! so now my incredibly waaayyy too long answer abt my thoughts on 2002 will is under there. apologies bc this is less "movie thoughts" and more "2002 movie will thoughts" but well thats how the chips fell

GOD okay sooo for the record i am reading the red dragon book and am like 7 or 8 chapters in and full transparency im not like. enjoying it lol. the book pisses me off with its misogyny (all the women in it are either dead or it feels like you're supposed to think theyre Selfish Bitches or theyre just there for like. bizarre and uncomfortable sexual moments like the guys talking abt that woman in the elevator, or that one part of mrs. leeds diary which is like. i guess could be there to Show Her Humanity or whatever but 1. there are more ways to do that 2. the book doesnt seem particularly concerned with her humanity considering she's barely even given a first name and so far the novel hasnt seemed to disapprove of how will thinks of her as a possession of her husband) and its inconsistency with will's most important character trait or whatever (he's so intensely, extremely empathetic towards EVERYONE, even serial killers, which makes him really good at finding them! and he can never turn this off, to the point where every time he has a conversation with someone, he ends up mimicking the way they talk, even if he tries to stop! but also he never empathizes with the victims or HIS OWN FUCKING WIFE? HELLO? so it really feels less like "extremely strong empathy for everyone that he cant control" and more like "he can empathize with serial killers extremely well and also other people if we want to Make A Point in one scene instead of letting the point show through the whole book") BUT UHHH ANYWAY. MOVIE THOUGHTS. THE MOVIE THOUGHTS YOU ASKED FOR COMING RIGHT UP!

okay this is what i am worried will either 1. draw annoying tv will graham stans to my blog like flies or 2. end with me being hanged in the town square BUT. it must be said. i prefer 2002 red dragon will graham to tv will graham. and quite frankly? so far? i think 2002 red dragon will graham is better than book will graham. i cannot lie.

my reasoning: because 2002 will actually empathizes with more people than serial killers and his boss! y'know! like you'd assume someone with constant extreme empathy would! the difference between the first scene with molly in the book vs in the movie are SO striking to me now that i've read that part of the novel. in the novel he seems very... rough, i guess, and like he doesnt care about molly's worries. he doesnt seem to see things from her perspective, which especially feels like a kick to the gut because MOLLY! SEES! THINGS! FROM! HIS! PERSPECTIVE!!! she literally empathizes with him more than he does with her! what the fuck! MEANWHILE in the movie, he does seem to care about her. his assurances that he wont get too involved seem like assurances rather than him trying to get her off his back. he hugs her and tells her he loves her and i actually believe that yeah, he loves her, he knows she's worried about him, and he wants to comfort her and ease her worries. and the victims! AGAIN such a stark difference to me! in the book, will is like... uncomfortable empathizing w the red dragon, of course, but he doesnt seem to empathize with the victims all that much, ESPECIALLY not the women. he doesnt care about them. he sees them as possessions belonging to their husbands and its so fucking gross. despite already suspecting that the red dragon chooses families based on the women, he decides to waste time focusing on the husbands as a way of "asking permission to look at [their wives]." what the fuck? meanwhile in the film, he feels for the victims so much that he can barely even say that the kids were shot in bed! when he watches the tapes, he focuses on the women! because that's his fucking job!!! and we see him empathizing with them! wow!!

siiigh okay im gonna stop talking abt the book vs the movie now bc again im only like 8 chapters or so deep. but now we come to tv will vs. 2002 will, which is admittedly gonna be more subjective and part of that it bc i cant remember a whole lot of specifics from the show bc my memory is Very Bad. but anyway

let's get the shallow stuff out of the way. yes i prefer ed norton's face to hugh dancy's. call hugh dancy "gender" or whatever have your fun i support you and your right to call any blood covered man a gender but by god is that not even REMOTELY my experience. next shallow thing to get out of the way: ed norton's line delivery is like music to my FUCKING ears compared to hugh dancy's i am so sorry. like the jokes about will shaking like a damp chihuahua before taking 5 minutes to stutter out "he's killing them....... On Purpose, jack." are funny and all but christ i had SUCH a hard time watching the show bc of that im not lying. literally hearing 2002 will just say "he's not keeping them. he's eating them." nice and quick, matter of factly is better than well im actually gonna end that sentence there but you get the idea. like YESSS you little blonde bitch get to the point i love you!!!

OKAY NOW less shallow points but also less uhh idk man i just dont remember a lot of hannibal. but basically: after seeing how caring 2002 will is, i'm kind of... idk i'm just so over tv will and how abrasive and harsh he is in comparison. like i fell in LOVE with how vulnerable 2002 will is, how he feels like he cares deeply about the people around him (and honestly... idk i cant remember a moment in the hannibal tv series that made me feel the way i felt when 2002 will can't say "the kids were shot in their beds". it's like... yeah this is a guy who feels so deeply for everyone around him at all times. i believe that.) and i just dont remember getting that same feeling from tv will. i have been gently spoon fed the most excellent chocolate pudding and everything else in my memory is just a snack pack. i guess tv will has those moments (what comes to mind is when he brings gideon to hannibal's house and is crying and he says "please dont lie to me") but idk they just didnt really do for me what 2002 will does. and then their scenes with reba! wow! i rewatched the tv version after watching red dragon, bc the film version made me tear up, meanwhile the tv version i barely remembered and i wasnt sure if that was just bc of the different mindsets i was in while watching them or what. and ok i just rewatched the tv version again and like... yeah. it's the wills lol. i LOVEEE tv reba SO much she is giving everything in that scene!! she sounds so like... broken, both bc of dolarhyde's apparent suicide and bc of finding out who he was + what he was doing, she sounds so fragile and guilt ridden! she's amazing!! but will. idk. tv will's delivery just seems... idk this feels dumb to say but it sounds like writing. i admittedly LOVE the line "people who study this kind of thing say that he was trying to stop because you helped him." and his delivery there is good. but between tv "you didnt draw a freak, you drew a man w a freak on his back" and the 2002 version, the 2002 delivery seems more genuine while the tv delivery sounds rehearsed. idk overall the 2002 version of that conversation just makes me feel more? its like. idk i can feel the 2002 version gently holding my heart while the tv version is a scene that is nice in h/nnigram gifsets or w/e.

umm ok this is already suuuper long and my brain is getting a bit mushy so i'm gonna start wrapping it up lol. i'll probably compare book will and 2002 will again after i finish the book, and then i miiight rewatch hannibal, or at least parts of s3. but right now my thoughts are basically: book will is a fucking dick who has an easier time empathizing with serial killers than with his wife. tv will is a nothing girl after being so completely catered to + also idk he doesnt have the same fragility that i want from my wills now. and 2002 will is my little caramel apple. he has this delightful vulnerability and feels like he cares so much and empathizes with more people than serial killers and his boss and 4 people in a diner for one scene! 2002 will made me care about will graham! which is honestly kind of a feat!

[zontiky]

okay so i tried to save this ask as a draft and it got deleted because tumblr is just such a functional website like that <3 but the prompt was “the hargreeves as ghosts in the apocalypse with five” or something like that i’m going to scream

this is SUPER long so i’m putting it under the cut hfkjsd

pre-five: the hargreeves siblings are dead. wait i feel a drabble coming on ooh

The Hargreeves siblings are dead.

Ben isn’t very aware of this at first. He’s been dead since 2006 -- he’s quite used to it, by now. What he is aware of, first, is light. Blinding white light. And Vanya, in the middle of it. He doesn’t close his eyes because he can’t feel pain, but if he could he thinks she would have made him blind. There’s light, and heat, and power, and then he closes his eyes anyway because the ceiling is collapsing around him and it’s instinctual.

When he opens them again he sees ash. Ash -- and Klaus.

He’s gotten used to Klaus, too. Klaus has a memorable sort of face; even if he didn’t, Ben has seen it every single day for almost twenty years. He doesn’t know if it’s actually been twenty years, for him. He doesn’t know how time moves for ghosts. Klaus has assured him it moves the same as it does for the living. Ben isn’t sure Klaus, stoned out of his mind, bleeding sluggishly from his arm, knew what he was talking about.

Anyway.

Klaus.

He’s wearing the coat he’s been flaunting around for the past week. His shirt is see-through, with little stars on it, like a pale imitation of the sky. Ben remembers his pants had laces on them, he’s sure they did not a minute ago, before the brightness that threatened to wipe out his very soul -- his soul is all he has left, really. His gaze drifts down anyway, to check.

Yes. Klaus’ pants have laces up the sides.

“No,” Ben says. Klaus is laying in a heap on the ground, his fingers curled like his tendons have been cut.

His lips feel numb because they always feel numb. Because Ben can’t feel at all. He takes a step. “No,” he says again, louder, surer. “No!”

Klaus looks up at him. His makeup is smudged, like it tends to be. His lips are bitten raw, like they tend to be. His hair is a mess, like it tends to be, and like it will be, always, because Klaus isn’t breathing.

Klaus is lying in a heap on the ground. Klaus is standing above his own body. Klaus is reaching for Ben like he’s hoping to touch him for the first time in years. Just when Klaus’ cold, dead, fingers brush his face, a voice from behind says, so quietly, dripping with disbelief: “Ben?”

Ben shuts his eyes and wishes desperately he could cry.

He feels a hand on his shoulder, for the first time in so, so long, but he also doesn’t feel it at all. He feels-but-doesn’t-feel someone turn him around, until they are saying, “Ben? Ben!” and he has no choice but to open his eyes and face the music.

Diego is gripping his shoulders like he is a dying man and Ben is the answer. Behind him, Luther and Allison watch them, stunned silent. Allison’s hands are pressed to her mouth. She looks like she wants to cry. 

And Vanya. Little Vanya, painted white. Her head is hung as her shoulders shake with the weight of the destruction she has so inevitably caused. (Ben would say he always knew she was destined for great things -- but he can’t, because he didn’t.) (Nobody ever said great things had to be good.)

The Hargreeves siblings are dead. Their bodies are strewn across what is left of their childhood home, smouldering and burning, and Ben is very aware of that fact.

righto anyway. so they have an emotional reunion but its also kind of bitter? id have to actually write this for it to make sense so lets skip it for now lol

five shows up

he cannot see them obviously bc theyre all ghosts

god if i did write this it would be such a monster of a fic and would take me like 2 years to finish i already know fhkjdsk

somehow ?? they manage to influence the world around them maybe? idk maybe now that klaus is dead hes sober

or maybe hes high for all eternity?

for the purposes of this au lets say he died sober or in the late stages of withdrawal, and bc ghosts cant feel pain in action hes sober

so EVENTUALLY they figure out how to corporealize bc klaus is like blam wham ghost powers

asdlfk that sounds so stupid im sorry

he would say that tho imho,,, it sounds like something hed say,,,

if i DID write this it would be alternating povs also,,,

ok so out of all of them klaus and ben have the most experience homeless

and while being stuck in an apocalypse is not at all the same thing as being homeless it does help to have some knowledge

five doesnt eat the twinkie!! good for him

dammit okay. theres 2 options we can take here. in the comics five couldnt get back bc he fucked up his math and spent 15 years doing the wrong thing, but if u apply that here, with 6 other ppl checking his work this could be avoided and they end up skipping the whole assassin shtick and just hopping straight back to 2019, ready to prevent the apocalypse

OR five still gets hired for the commission but the sibs are tagging along

i think bc five isnt completely alone in this au unfortunately dolores doesnt exist :((

for each other the 2 paths tho theres also options?? bc they (ghosts) can go back in time and inhabit their past selves bodies? OR they could just,,, cease to exist

IM JUST NOW REALIZING HOW MANY PATHS THIS COULD TAKE,, AAH FUCK

okay gonna split this into parts. this is gonna be so long brace yourselves.

1) they go back in time because math checking and the ghosts swap out for their past selves

after multiple years of being stuck in an apocalypse together i think they would learn to get along with each other. like at least a little bit

which would make it easier for them to prevent the apocalypse

bc theyd:

trust each other more

already know abt the apocalypse and not have to wait for five to grace them all with his knowledge

are working as a team from the very beginning

have open lines of communication

yeah uh. so there

vanya is also already aware of her powers so the whole harold goading her into turning against her family and snapping to wipe out all life on earth thing? yeah that doesnt happen

oh and harold wouldn’t know how to do that in the first place because klaus wouldn’t throw out reggie’s journal! this solves so many problems wtf

there’s still commission issues bc they (and by they i mean five) are on the commission’s radar

so there’s still dope fight scenes sdlkfd pinky promise

okay idk. they stop the apocalypse and everything is okay the end hfkjd

2) they fix the math but only five can go back and the ghosts cease to exist

this is just sad! it would be sad okay! im sad! lets move on

subset of the past one: ben CAN go back with five because he was already dead and time travel affects them differently or something idk

aaaaaa

five & ben dynamic duo would be dope as shit BUT five would not be able to see him... so they use klaus as a middleman fjsdsfd

is there 2 bens? is one ben deleted in favor of the time-traveling ben? i dont know! i dont know my brain is melting

either way shit is happening yall!! obviously klaus is clued in, directly or indirectly it doesnt matter but he is on board the ‘don’t let the entire world end in flames’ train

3) they join the commission and then when five goes back in time they all go back

this is fun because now five is a highly trained assassin who is also lowkey a complete marshmallow for his siblings and once again TEAMWORK WOO

basically the first path but now five has a gun fhsdjk

4) they join the commission but five has to leave them behind and they cease to exist

five with a gun but hes sad now

i didnt go into how much losing his siblings would suck in the prev path but like. it would suck so much. he’s already lost them once if you think about it when he time traveled the first time and yeah he found the adult ghost versions but,, its different

and now suddenly hes stuck with these strange adult versions of the people he knows and he KNOWS them but also he doesnt? at all? they dont have all the years of shared experiences together? and theyre all grown up from the first ‘set’ of siblings he had which for five was like 40+ years ago??

SCREAMS

i have losing my mind disease (self-diagnosed)

subset: five has to leave them behind but they still exist because the commission is out-of-time kind of? idk but they’re still floating around somewhere and come back to impact the plot later or something

yeah idk. literally just wrote them down bc i didnt want them to die^2 hfkjwehd

subset: they still exist but instead of being just Somewhere they’re specifically at the assassination of JFK onwards because thats where five left them and they either go on ghosting and make an appearance in s2 OR they cease because them-wise they havent died yet but that doesnt make sense because ghosts can time travel so nevermind

i dont have the brain energy left to explore this one aaaa

okay jesus christ i think that’s all

I DON’T KNOW. i don’t know. i might write some more of this because honestly it is a very fine flavor of angst + hurt/comfort <3

[piratemadi]

please make your critical post of supernatural those are literally the only posts about supernatural i care about, especially since i side eye the heck out of the many people who give supernatural a pass because they ship two boring white dudes (dean and castiel) PLEASE

omg ok nobody make fun of me for posting an earnest criticism of this show i enjoy critical analysis and being a hater

i think most of why this show sucks has already been covered pretty thoroughly but these r the main things abt it that piss ME off.

the racism runs so SO deep. supernatural is supposed to be an exploration of americana thru horror (and i’ll give them that. like the idea of deconstructing america and all its fallacies thru horror is genius and in competent hands it would be absolutely incredible. but anyway) but it only really scrapes the surface of what is inherently horrific about americana! something like that is supposed to be an INTERROGATION of monstrosity and how america (and western society more broadly) creates monsters out of human beings and how white christian morals are established as the ONLY acceptable morals and how anyone who falls outside of those norms (non christian, non white, lgbt, people with substance use disorders, prisoners, the poor, indigenous people/cultures etc) are monsterized, so to speak, because of an oppressive and unloving colonial society. like u cannot have a horror narrative abt monsters attacking family values and white suburban life without invoking some very old and racist conventions! but instead of subverting that supernatural just reinforces it! it consistently fails to make any kind of real statement because the most demonized parts of society are the people who are also treated the WORST in canon! native american beliefs are stolen and turned into stupid bogeymen without the show ever featuring a native character or seriously grappling with the inherent violence of america as a colonial state, black men are consistently portrayed as angry and evil while black women are treated like shit (dean’s happy ending at the end of s5 is with a white woman he fucked one time instead of with the black woman who he was in love with??), impoverished people are mostly ignored and when they’re not theyre monsters (theres one episode centered around a poor rural family that commits murder and cannibalism. no supernatural stuff or monsters. just poor people. thats the scare).

theres this consistent fixation on preserving american suburbia, on saving “normal” (read: white middle class) people and it sets up this dynamic of like. the “real world” is the white middle class and then there’s hunters including our mains who defend that “real world” against monsters and demons, which is just Everything Else. and the writers PRETEND to struggle w the question of monsters and what makes one but they just toss it around without ever actually committing to answering that question with compassion or narrative coherency. they have multiple episodes about characters who were raised human, who want to be human, but have to be killed because of an inherent evil nature. there’s a plot in the early seasons about how one of the main characters has demonic powers, and instead of saying that doesnt make him inherently bad and he’s allowed to fully access all parts of himself without being fundamentally evil, they consistently frame intrinsically neutral traits as inherently evil specifically because they go against a christian ideal of morality! and eventually he learns to suppress these powers and that’s that!

and then it establishes christianity as the guiding principle of america, not in a way of like “american culture and history is deeply steeped in white supremacist protestantism that has led to incredibly fucked up views on god and love and morality and thats what we have to deal with as people who live here”, but in a way of like “the christian god is real and he’s a white guy who fucking hates you.” which like. Ok. they bastardize and trivialize any religions that arent christian while building the entire series on christianity. Ok. like i guess its possible to write stories about white christianity without implying that every other religion is full of shit but supernatural did not do that on any level

its also just. really poorly written. i genuinely loved the first season i thought it was really well paced and that the characters were introduced really well like the first season is a GOOD horror story in terms of family as horror and the inherent terror of americana. but the pacing and the character development started tripping up in s2. by s3 they started raising the stakes Exponentially which honestly is such a kiss of death for good fiction like every season mounting a bigger badder antagonist than the last one is the surest way to kill a story bc it means the earlier entries in that story become basically meaningless in the face of the new bad guy. u dont need to raise the stakes to write a good story! a well written story abt the horror and drama of a close knit and unhealthy family caught up in something they don’t really understand isn’t Less emotionally resonant than, like, having to stop the world from ending, because at the end of the day its Fiction and none of it matters beyond what u can make the audience really Feel. im not gonna feel sorrow if 7 billion fake little people die. i didnt cry when the death star blew up whatever planet it blew up. what DOES make me feel sorrow is a few truly well written characters whose relationships are complicated and tragic and whose motivations i can understand and whose inner lives i can imagine. raising the stakes destroys a good story and thats exactly what happened to supernatural (not that the racism and misogyny and american protestant moralizing wasn’t killing it already)

also, the misogyny makes the female characters basically impossible to watch. like not a single person on that show is a good actor (except sterling k brown love u king u were the best actor that show ever saw) but they didnt even give any of the women anything to work with. its literally so cringey to watch any woman onscreen except maybe like. bela talbot and she was treated like utter shit.

god. you know that expression dont fall in love with potential? i dont do that w people i do it w fiction. i came off black sails and the untamed and frankenstein and i watched the first couple seasons of supernatural with my friend and it was like...there was so much room for it to SAY something about monsters and how society creates them thru violence and how deeply horrific american protestantism is. like theres so many questions and concepts that it brought up that it never actually SAID something about. shithole of wasted potential. and yeah dean and castiel is stupid there i said it

[blurays]

.

i wrote a really long thing but the point is ive been crying so much lately and im so tired and it’s odd how i feel like i talk about my illness too much and people just view me with pity which i hated and then i get into interactions where i realize people really genuinely do not process it and how terrible it is i mean i barely process it i still think them diagnosing me with Adjustment Disorder is very funny like apparently my reaction to having brain cancer is Excessive and Unhealthy like i know but maybe everyone else just doesnt have to deal with that because they die from it so quick I guess im just lucky and weak that i cant handle it but anyway I used to be so worried people would look down on me for my illness now I realize people are like well it’s been almost 2 years now you haven’t died yet it can’t be that bad this isn’t a life or death scenario and if it is I guess my privilege outweighs it and christ I fucking know I have privilege but it feels very belittling to have ppl so easily write off survival for you as like. “nothing will change” I guess I’m just so goddamn stupid that I can’t mentally handle brain cancer and I can’t mentally handle friends telling me having a clear conscience is priceless even though the price is my life which seems to matter very little to most people in my life im tired of being belittled by friends and doctors and if i say it im the insane one and not grateful for the Kindness people have given me simply by being friends with me

tuesday doctor appointment is going to suck its just sad that id be so excited about having another miserable painful humiliating debilitating surgery just becaise someone actually listened to me but i know its going to be a fight to make anyone believe that me hurting matters

idek i just need help i feel like everyone just . expects me to get the fuck over it because it doesnt matter to them but it matters to me and i cant anymore its never been this bad it just gets worse and worse it gets to the point where the only time im happy is when im on a Lot of opioids which is obviously good both bc drug reasons and bc that has happened like 3 times so yeah the rest of the time im just being hysterical or just ignoring everything then reading abt how biden changed literally nth other than like me not dying but you know aside from that and crying every single day and thinking about how nice it would be to die especially the way my doctor describes it

i was planning to tell my oncologist that im so depressed and i dont know what to do but i dont even want to bother him with it thats how terrible i feel lol im pretty sure no one can help me 

idek wht im crying over at this point or why i started im just sad 

[midoriyaizukustan-inactive]

everyone shut the fuck up and CONSIDER trans girl iida

she supposes she always knew unconsciously that there was something different about her but she never rlly put much thought into it until some ppl in the class come out as trans* (like aoyama’s genderfluid, tokoyami’s a demiboy, nd tsu and jirou are trans girls)

and as class rep, but also (and arguably more importantly) their friends, iida wants to make sure she can make them as comfortable as possible abt coming out so she does some research nd stuff. like she knew trans people existed and were valid nd such before but she wanted to get more than just the basic facts

and shes happy for her friends! shes glad they trusted their class enough to tell them, shes glad she can be there for them. but she also notices that she feels rlly...weird? and she keeps doing research just because.......its interesting. but she doesnt know why she finds it so interesting?? and she gets kinda insecure abt that

so she keeps diggin into it and reads posts that trans ppl have made abt their experiences and just classic shitposts nd all that. she thinks the community is great!! and also she finds some fresh wholesome memes to share w her friends so its all the better. right?

but eventually she finds a community of trans girls specifically and she just absolutely COMBS through that. reads every single post there that she can find. but coincidentally she also feels even more insecure now bc shes starting to unconsciously question her gender nd stuff and lets be real folks. an identity crisis is not fun

couple this with the fact that she doesnt experience the traditional dysphoria(tm) that other trans girls seem to universally share, iida gets rlly down abt it. nd it gets to the point she rlly raaaaags on herself for still lookin thro these posts nd stuff and still subtly questioning herself and shes just rlly unhappy at the time :[

nd she doesnt wanna like make tsu or jirou uncomfortable so she doesnt wanna ask them abt it but shes so confused nd frankly hurt and she doesnt know what going oooonnnn with herself

so shes just in this complete funk for a while nd it starts to affect her grades and performance in training. her friends know smths up but iida doesnt know how to even explain how shes feeling so its not necessarily that she doesnt WANT to go to her friends but she literally does not know how to. anyway eventually aizawa keeps her after class and is like “ok iida smths up im gonna call tensei if u dont talk to me”

iida feels absolute HORROR at the prospect of tensei somehow finding out abt this bc oh shit what if he doesnt want her carrying on the name of ingenium anymore??? what if he thinks shes a freak??? what if he thinks shes not really a girl and shes just faking it to be special?? what if- and oh shit thats the first time iida rlly consciously thought to herself “im a girl but what if others dont think i am?”

so she kinda bursts into tears and aizawa internally is like “oh jesus what the fuck” but externally hes like “iida?? r u ok?? was it something i said?? oh fuu- is something wrong with tensei??” and iida just kinda speaks thro her cries like “no nothings wrong with tensei something’s wrong with me” and ill be real folks its real sad girl hours for a bit

anyway iida doesnt rlly elaborate much beyond that bc shes so ashamed and embarrassed but aizawa is like “u’ve gotta talk to someone iida ur friends r worried and frankly i am as well” and iida eventually promises to talk to someone

soo she comes to terms that since she so confused it would be best to ask tsu and jirou abt it even if shes,,,,so v concerned,,,abt making them uncomfortable. but she manages to convince herself that she rlly does need some guidance here and better to ask ppl who know her than ask on the internet sooo

thankfully while iida is working up the courage to ask tsu and jirou to talk, she finds posts derailing terf and truscum shit so she feels. a lot lot better abt everything but particularly the lack of any intense dysphoria she had after reading stuff like that, esp the more verified(tm) articles from the more verified(tm) authors (like doctors and psychoneurologists and such)

so she figures out how she wants to word her questions nd asks tsu nd jirou to meet up. tsu nd jirou agree right away bc all of class 1-a is worried abt their class rep at this point :[ so theyre happy shes finally reaching out

iida is kinda a disaster when tryin to talk but she gets her point across. like “uhh this is a rlly bad way to ask but how did u guys know u were,,,trans?” nd tsu immediately catches on but jirou is only a lil suspicious until further into the conversation

anyway eventually jirou catches on the same as tsu and thats when tsu asks “iida do u think ur trans??”

nd iida is sooooooooo tired of feeling ashamed bc damn. she does think shes trans! she does. she shouldnt feel guilty for how she feels she cant help that. so after takin a moment to steel herself she says “yea” as confidently as one can in the situation

tsu nd jirou r immediately supportive nd ask iida for more details abt how shes feeling nd iida is just,,,so happy,, since shes already on an honesty streak that afternoon, shes able to roughly get her wack emotions into words nd tsu and jirou are like “yea thats valid ur valid iida. it doesnt matter if u dont have the trademark dysphoria or that u didnt know until later in life like ur still young. u say ur a girl, ur a girl” iida cries but only a bit bc damn months of agonizing over this. we stan one trans girl trio.........

anyway tsu and jirou ask her how she wants to move forward i.e. transitioning or telling anyone, and iida hadnt even considered transitioning before bc it felt so out of reach but shes absolutely ECSTATIC at the thought of bein able to look more feminine and it Shows. tsu and jirou r like “ok mood we were like that too right before startin estrogen”

so the first unofficial trans girl trio club meeting ends w tsu and jirou promising to help iida ask recovery girl abt hormones and iida sayin she doesnt want to come out just yet to the class/anyone else in general and tsu and jirou respectin that. i love them yall

anyway after a few months, iida is ready to try hormone treatment so tsu and jirou help her ask recovery girl for a meeting nd r moral support for her while they go thro the process of like figuring out what dosage she should start w/, how long should she take it, when a check up appointment should be, if recovery girl should tell iida’s parents yet or nah, all that stuff. anyway after that,  recovery girl gets her started on hormone treatment which iida is SUPER EXCITED abt and tsu and jirou tell her stories abt when they first started estrogen and AHHH I LOVE MY GIRLS SO MUCH FUCK

anyway eventually after some support from tsu and jirou via the unofficial trans girl club meetings and getting back on her feet confidence-wise, iida comes out to the class :,,,]]] theyre all super supportive and iida cries just a bit. tsu and jirou r so proud of her. aizawa is just glad his problem child #9 is feeling better

ashido and yaoyorozu get together and take iida shopping so she can have more feminine clothes which iida has a lot of fun w......shes never been necessarily big on shopping before (even if she is a part of the rich kid’s club lmao) but this trip is so EXCITING and ashido and momo r so happy for her and so ESCATIC to help her find some clothes and just oh my heart.......

the girls also have a sleepover during which they indoctrinate iida on all things traditionally feminine like makeup nd hair so that she knows the basics should she ever wanna mess arnd with that stuff. but also they just have fun doin normal things and just include iida in on being one of the gals nd iida is,,,so happy. tsu and jirou in particular r arnd her the whole night and wow my uwus they own them the unofficial trans girl club owns my uwus-

anyway so coming out and being accepted and transitioning is going so much better than iida thought it would be. she feels so safe and happy im crying.....anyway eventually some time later iida also gets permission to visit her family during a long weekend/short holiday w/e. nd while there she shakily but steadily comes out to her fam ofc her parents r so proud (her mom’s like ‘’ive always wanted a daughter yes!!! ily tenya’’) and tensei loves her all the same nd she cries a lil bit bc damn,,,,,,shes been fearing the exact opposite reaction for months

specifically she talks to tensei abt it for a little while and mentions her particular fears abt not being good enough to carry on the name “ingenium” nd he smiles at her nd is like “i would rather no one else but my little sister to carry on the name of ingenium” and bruh shes absolutely floored

nd yea. midoriya and uraraka absolutely love love love iida shes still their absolute fav. she joins the unofficial class 1-a trans* club as well as accidentally forms the unofficial class 1-a trans girl club. we love her,,,,

but yeah thats it. this post is so fucking long but oh well. stan iida!

[brooktm]

˙  ˖  ✧  ariana  grande  ,  24  ,  cisfemale  ,  she/her  //  was  that  BROOKLYN  ESPOSITO  stepping  aboard  the  GUCCI  JET  ?  oh  now  it’s  a  party  !  we  all  know  they  can  be  pretty  DETACHED  ,  but  also  pretty  SOPHISTICATED  on  a  good  day  ,  just  like  a  CAPRICORN  .  they’ll  be  blasting  HEARTLESS  BY  THE  WEEKND  for  most  of  the  plane  ride  ,  i  can  already  tell  .  i  think  they  added  FIJI  ISLANDS  to  the  list  of  places  to  visit  this  year  .  let’s  pop  the  champagne  and  get  going  ! 

sup  friends  !!  i’m  jen  ,  also  formally  known  as  that  dumbass ,  u  might  feel  free  to  address  me  by  either  i  rly  dont  mind  .  ANYwho  this  is  brooklyn  !!  also  a  trash  bby  who  thinks  waaaay  too  highly  of  herself  n  rly  shouldnt  bc  she’s  dumb  .  SO  there is some  info  on  her  after  the  beep  n  also  some  connection  ideas  n  a  pinterest  board  bc this  bitch  is  artsy  .  also  like  ...  its  been  a  hot  min  since  roleplaying  was  a  thing  for  me  so  i’m  gonna  have  to  ask  for  a  lil  of  yalls  patience ... its  a  slow  process  getting  caught  up  on  these  aesthetics  fam .  

ok  so  meet  brooklyn  .  full  name  is  brooklyn  elisabetta  esposito  n as  yall  can  guess ...  shes  italian  .  brook  comes  from  a  family  of  old  money  n  its  so  old  no  one  rly  knows  how  they  even  became  rich  ?  they just  have  been for  as  long  as  they  remember  .  nowadays  ,  the  family  branches  into  a  bunch   of  different  business  ,  since  its  a  huge  family  filled  with  aunts  n  uncles  who  shes  met  maybe  once  of  twice  in  her  life  .  her  immediate  family  (  dad  )  ,  however  ,  has  branched  into  the  wine  business  ,  so  they  have  several  different  vineyards  both  in  the us  and  in europe  ,  and  subsequently  a  multimillion  dollar  wine  company  . 

brooklyn  was  born  to  henrico  esposito  (  one  of  six  children  .... like  ,  seriously )  n  his  first  wife  ,  adrienne  an  american  model  he  married  when  they  were in  their  early  20s  .  brooklyn  was  the  second  born  child  ,  and  in  five  years  they  were  divorced  after  a  cheating  scandal ,  n in  the  decade  n  half  that  followed  ,  her  dad  married  four  more  times  n  had  five  more  kids  ..  reaching  the  total  amount  of  seven  children  .  he  likes  kids  yall .  brooklyn  was  raised  by  her  mother  n  isnt  rly  close  to  her  dad  ,  she’s  just  constantly  eyerolling  at  him  tbh  .  she  is  however  rly  close  to  her  maternal  grandma  elisabetta  who  she  basically  adopted  her  entire  personality  from  .  which  reaches  the  point  of  her  personality

soooo  brooklyn  likes  to  think  of  herself  as  basically  a  master  of  emotions  .  cool as cucumber  n  the  ultimate  manipulator  .  n  she  kinda  is  in  some  aspects  ?  but definitely  not  to  the  extent  she  prides  herself  .  she  likes  to  keep  her cards  v  close  to  her  chest  ,  so  u  will  rarely  (  if  ever  )   find  her  in  the  middle  of  an  emotional  outburst  or  tantrum .  she  also  has  that  deadpan  thing  down  n  will  not  hesitate  to  stare  u  down  with  the  blankest  expression  just  to  make  you  uncomfortable  lol  n  she’s  also  rly  closed  off !!  its  rly  hard  to  get  her  to  emotionally  attach  to  u  BUT  if  she  does  ,  its  bc  she  definitely  doesnt  hate  you  as  much  as  she  wants  u  to  believe  .

also !!!  likes  to  be  the  classiest  bitch  in  whatever  room  she’s  in  n  she’s  SUPER  high  maintenance  dont  ever  call  her  for  anything  other  than  a  fancy  CLASSY  thing  n  expect  her  to  show  her  face  .  but  also  ….  put  some  alcohol  inside  this  girl  n  she  will  definitely  get  caught  giving  a  lap  dance  to  a  fuckin  empty  chair  n  like  …. ask  every  single  person  around  her  to  take  her  to  the  nearest  mcdonalds  so  she  can  eat  some  fucking  chicken  nuggets  .  HONESTLY  she  rly  is  a  high  maintenance  ho   but  no  one  can  be  that  classy  all  the  time  dont  judge  her  for  wanting  some  FUCKING  chicken  nuggets  !!  

that  being  said  she  is  also  SO  protective  of  those  around  her  .  even  tho  she  might  claim  to   hate  u  ,  she  will  go  to  war  w  that  bitch  that  said  ur  shirt  was  ugly  no  questions  asked  .  is  also  very  unimpressed  w/  things  in  general  so  it  takes a  Lot  to  get  her  approval  in  p  much  anything  ur  doing  .  that  being  said  i  did  say  she’s  a  dumbass  who  thinks  she’s  very  smart  n  like  ...  10/10  she  will end  up  being  that  one  friend  who  will  go  complain  abt  ur  stupid  plans  but  end  up  getting  arrested  w/  u  .  

in  regards  to  her  love  life  ,  brooklyn  is  p  open  as  a  bisexual  girl  .  she’s  not  a  v  romantic  girl  tho  ,  like  she  doesnt  rly  have  a  romanticized  idea  of  love  (  her  father  has  been  married  like ... 17  times  yall  )  n  her  relationships  so  far  were  usually  more  abt  convenience  &  ease  than  passion  /  love   at  all .  that  being  said  she  doesnt hate  love  or  run  from  it  she  just  doesnt  feel  it  frequently  n  doesnt  actively  pursue  it ??

ok  so  u  will   now  find  some  headcanons  abt  this  head  job:

u  will  never  ever  find  her  without  heels  on  bc  she’s  too  short  to  be  elegant  lmao  i  hate  her

loves  dogs  .  animals  in  general  but  most  of  all  dogs .  funds a  bunch  of  animal  rescues  n  will  pet  a  dog  no  matter  what  whenever  she  sees  one

will  cry  everytime  she  watches  tangled  no  questions  asked

lip  gloss  queen  will   be  wearing  lip  gloss  everytime  u  see  her

has  had  a  diary  her  entire  life  and  carries  one  w  herself  wherever  she  goes

is  the  least  crushy  person  ever  .  has  got  0  celeb  crushes  .  henry  cavill  who  ?  she  has  no  time  for  dudebros  in  her  life

took  ballet  lessons  up  until  she  was  nineteen  yrs  old  n  set  fire  to  all  her  pointé  shoes  when  she  gave  it  up

has  a  reaaaaally  loud  laugh  but  its  not  a  big  laugher  so  u  need  to  be  extra  funny  to  get  it  out  of  her

there  is  so  much  more   but  im  so  lazy  @god  why  u  do  me  like  that  ?  anyways  i  got  some connection  ideas  but  those  r  pretty  shallow  n  general  n  i  love  coming  up  w  things  from  scratch  ,  so  feel  free  to  hit  me  up  for  some  brainstorming  !!  but  yea  i  would  love  some  polar  opposites  best  friends  w  someone  who’s  rly  bubbly  n  adventurous  n  doesnt  suck  the  joy  out  of  all  ambients  like  brooklyn  tries  to  do  lmao  .  also  some  exes  maybe  someone  she’s  in  good  terms  w/  bc  it  wasnt  a  v  passionate  relationship  but  also  someone  she  rly  liked  but  when  things  ended  it  was  all  v  awkward  or  maybe  it  ended  on  bad  terms  bc  they  rly  liked  each  other  ?  some Family  connections  !!  she  has  a  huge  family  so  cousins  or  2nd  cousins  or  even  siblings  !!  sexual  relationships  that  r  either  v  shallow  or  v  messy  would  also  be  nice  bc  its  good  to  have  brooklyn  lose  her  temper  every  once  in  a  while  ?  someone  who’s  always  trying  to  get  her   to  freak  out  like  friends  who  annoy  each  other  ?

[wooahaes]

I kept wanting to message you again and again but aaah life keeps taking over >_< Anyway, as you might have guessed: it's layton anon here Did you manage to do your discussion board post or are you still on it? Hope it goes well<3 My essay is... uhm... yeah let's just say I'm working on it haha

OMG THE HAND HOLDING THING Y/N AND CHAN ARE LITERAL OTTERS THAT'S SO CUTE T-T (also istg UtS gives me so much cuddle envy I too want to sleep in a comfy cuddle pile)

same with jakob as a unit, he's just not it. But his quotes are superbe~ also yess the short, sassy quotes are so good fjdhfjh

I think you're really writing cheol so well. You found a good way to describe the dynamics between the members in general, it feels very on point to me. Sometimes it's super tiny things that make me go "oh!! that's so like them!!"

........... why did you have to say that about cheol always being in love with reader in every route why must you break my heart in this way (but also him putting her happiness first is so hfjshckejjhfj-- i' m fI nE)

reminds me i have to catch up with vernon and seungkwan's parts I'm so excited to read them!! I'll let you know when I did hehe~ Also I really get what you said about 10 wreckers at all times like. same. I'd say my biases are cheol and hao (tho chan has been dangerously close to join their circle one too many times hdjhfdj) but I literally love all of them sm T-T

i hope you're doing okay and are taking care of yourself! ily<3

hiii lovely <3 i hope things are going well for you tho!! sometimes life gets busy! no biggie, take care of urself <3 ur wellbeing comes first! also yeah ive got discussion board posts done hehe i have a paper due sunday but i think i'm gonna start working on it tomorrow unless we get confirmation that game nights gonna be tomorrow? good luck on the essay tho!!

god... mood tho i ALSO want a cuddle pile with ppl i love and trust. but yeah they're otters <3 he literally holds yn's hand all the time like. bestie just wants to hold a hand!! its for the comfort <3

i talked abt this with a friend btw abt jakob and felicia i think is who u get if u play as a guy? i never understood that. like im guessing its for romance stuff but if you can/will get both anyway??? why not give the player someone they'd realistically have as a butler/maid to watch after them???

aaa thank u!! the tiny things might literally just be me pulling from actual things they've said/done hehe but im glad i can capture things well!! i usually second guess myself sometimes but its reassuring to hear things like this :3 i love writing cheol tho. if i dont get whiny cheol in UtS at least somewhere tho i s2g ill delete /j

this only makes it worse but cheol is Not the only one who is always in love w reader in every route <3 like there's always at least two ppl who are in love w reader in every single route (cheol being one), maybe three. its all a matter of them all wanting to see yn happy instead of keeping them for themself <3

aaa thank u ill look forward to hearing ur thoughts then!! sorry in advance for seungkwan and all the fighting his has /j

i have started appreciating cheol a Lot more over this past year tbh? like i only got into svt last october-ish (whenever attacca dropped, i dont remember right offhand) and he wasnt rly high on my list. i just appreciate him and all he does for the group while also being like... the POUTIEST man sometimes. seungkwan doesnt say he loves him back and cheol is just like >:( carats would never treat me like this smh. get u a man who can do both.

hao truly is an artist and i can deeply appreciate that aspect of him even if he's not like. high on my list? like i love svt as a whole but i full yknow tht i love other members more (even if they arent my biases). i think i really appreciate how much of himself hao puts into what he does. he's so passionate about what he does. also hai cheng made me cry so ill never forgive him for tht /hj

(no but rly i did break down crying the first & only time i listened/watched the mv and i cannot bring myself to listen again bc i think i'll cry again if i do. beautiful song tho, i just do not want to cry lmao)

im doing fine! i had an eye appointment yesterday and had my eyes dilated so that was a bit of a pain to deal with, but im getting new glasses! my prescription has changed Slightly so thankfully no headaches or anything lol only thing fucking w me now is allergies since pollen is UP rn and i hate it </3 summer class is almost over tho!! im going to enjoy my less than a month of chilling lol i dont even have a proper final for this class, i just have to edit my papers and resubmit them <3

i hope you're doing well, though! take care of yourself <3 get ur essay done when u can!! i believe in u <3 its always lovely to hear from you!!

[seritydoll]

o lord dont get me started on the dialogue.. and how much they changed the villager personalities?? why are crankies old men??? why are peppys pop star wannabes??? why do jocks never shut up about being a jock?? why are lazy villagers so GROSS??? they never used to be like this??? 🥲🥲

literally, the villagers redeem themselves w the way they interact with things yES.. when they like.. look around at everything as they walk, and stop and turn to face the thing, and they make the ‘😯’ expression.. ITS FREAKING PERFECT. its so god damn cute.. especially when they run to the thing they wanna interact with!!!!

and SINGING oh GOD !!! i will never get over them singing!! no matter how many times my villagers sing, i will always 100000% cry over it,, its so adorable, and probably my favourite thing about the game shdhd

anyway.. good morning kennedy, im sorry for like.. ^^ all of that lol, suddenly rly needed to rant :’)

ur so correct every single thing you said is tea-im very thankful that my fav personality type has always been snooty bc imo its the most tolerable this time, they seem the most well rounded... but LAZYS hurt me so MUCH my poor babies beau and sherb wont shut up about bugs, like nooooo sherb u have the cute set furniture items theres no bugs in ur house i dont get it, and i only have a jock bc im a player who likes to have 1 of each type but theyre so irritating with their 3 lines of dialogue, thankfully merry is my peppy and she doesnt talk too much abt being a popstar so my annoyance with peppys has died down since my first 2 peppys i had on my island and i dont mind the crankys being old men as much since i kinda always got that vibe from most of them anyways

ive always seen the weird shift as them trying to group the types into age categories to sell the game better to kids and much older people, the harvest moon remake for friends of mineral town did a similar thing where they made all their datable npcs to rep different age groups so everyone who played it wouldnt be shackled into dating a 20 smth year old and like 1 30 smth like u do in most romancable games, but in the process they made a really beloved character super annoying and babyish, and that feels very similar to what happened here- like lazys are kids, peppys are tweens, jocks are teens, uchi are early to mid 20s, smug feels late 20s early 30s, snooty i cant really place but they are mature for sure def a bit older, cranky is like old dad/grandpa ofc, and normal types might be the least age defined but theyre clearly meant to be motherly. whereas in past games they were all ageless minus dobie who is drawn to specifically look old

but yeah my fav part is ive noticed that each villager has their own food they deault to or a spot they default sit at and its so heartwarming it feels like they have a schedule and routine. it makes my heart so full to see my baby diana reading with her glasses by the waterfalls or to see zell eating a doughnut beside the river infront of his house im so🥰🥰🥰 thinking about it and YES the singing theres certain ones who sing more and so when the ones who are more shy and dont sing usually do sing i like cry and ill clap for them and they get shy and i just ahhhhhh <333

anyways im replying to this a day late bc ive taken so long to get this rant out lmaoo, thank u for yelling in my askbox abt this i always welcome passionate rants- im a triple virgo please lets have heated discussions about seemingly unimportant things its my fav thing to do esp if its smth like animal crossing that ive spent a long time stanning

[ilygsd]

odfidk: 270618

i cry at least once aday cus im only surrounded by whites but like.... there are poc here. theres other adoptees of color and some poc in my DM’s wanting to chat with me and maybe even hang out but fuuuCKKK WHAT IS WRONG WTH ME WHY AM I NOT SOCIAL

i also always cry about how social and happy i used to be but im doing anything about it lmao. like i KNOW that in order to get my shit together i need to sleep and eat and exercize and shit..... do i do that?? absolutely the fuck no cus i love to feel sorry for mysel and watch myself destroy everything

i hate myself, i hate my life i can feel the anxiety coming and when that is i always call my mom but she’s white and im so  paranoid i dont trust white people with anything i REALLLY RESLLY REALLY want a therapist of color but my lazy ass cant even manage to call one cus i’d rather lie in my bed and DIE than doing smth productive with my life

also im together with a white dude and just thinking about how confused i am about this relationship makes me want to die alone. i cant trust my own thoughts and feelings but i SURE AS HELL cant trust anyone else either. not white people, no poc and not adoptees of color either. the only person i trust is my partner cus they know me better than anyone else and theyre wise but fuck i dont trust them either cus i cant even manage to tell them this cus ive already been such a horrible partner and i dont want to huet them but hey no its not even about that. its about ME not wanting to lose them cus im so fucking selfish which is only another reason i should break up. if you knew what a horrible partner, friend and human being ive been you’d all hate me. im such a hypocrite and when i hear my partner forigve me despie me KNEOING what i am like.......

how will i ever find someone who loves me like them. i’ll never find anyone like them. does it really matter that they’re white in that case? yes it does can i’d literally kILL myself if our children were to become white. how can i love myself after all of this. im holding onnto a dream of re-visiting my homecountry and my birth place. im holding omto a dream of learning mandarin and more abt my culture and get lots of chinese and asian friends but like..... who am i kidding. that wont solve my problems. what i feel is so much deeper. what i feel is nothing that can be fixed

IM SO FUCKINF SAD EVERYONE. IM SO SAD AND I MISS MY BIOLOGIAL PARENTS SO FUCKING MUCH. I HATE EVERYONE BUT ONLY BC I DONT KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH MY OWN SELF HATRED AND DISSATISFACTION. IM SO SAD AND FRUSTRATED AND LONELY AND I JUST WANT TO BE IN MY MOMS BELLY.

why did it turn out like this. what am i so problematic snd why am i not doing anything about it. why did i destroy and fux up every single relationship i ever had. why cant i love my adoptive family like anyone else. but why al i not strong enough to cut them off. is it bc i actually love them? or is it bc im scared of being alone? will i love them again when i’ve healed, when i’ve revovered from whatever it is im revorigin form. abandonment? loss? lost family, lost identity, lost culture, lost people

it doesnt matter how many POC i connect with or how many adoptees i connect with. i’ll always feel lonely. i’ll always be lonely. and im so pathetic i cant stand it. i’d rather kill myself than knowing i’ll always be lonely. ive fkd up every friendship and relationship i have and im too scared of building new ones bc im so over attatched and want to rely on them forever. and now i dont even feel anything but anger and hatred. im such a fucking mess. im a danger to myself and everyone around me. im abusing the ones i claim to love, i dream about taking a gun and just shoot everyone down. i dream about committing suicide but not bc i actually want to, but because i want to revenge. on who? i want my family to suffer. i want society to suffer and know my pain. but they wont. they never will

im all alone, im so lonely im so lonely i keep isolering myself. i keep dreaming about fkn kpop idols and anime characters. i will never get better if i dont do smth but im so tired and im so angry. but it only hurts me. im only hurting myself even more. no one cares. no one will ever care, its only hurting ME

i thought i had gotten better. i used to feel like this everyday. now its only once a month. but idk. i cant think straight, i cant control myself. i know i shouldnt post stuff lile this DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH IVE FKD UP CUS I CANT CONTROL MYSELF WHEN IM IN THIS KIND OF STATE ONE TIME I ACTUALLY THOOUGHT I WAS GONNA KILL SOMEONE AND THEN JUMP IN FRONT OF A BUS

im sitting in my room. my little sister is outside and when im done with this message i’ll go out to her and pretend nothing happened. i cry for myself. i cry for other adoptees too. i cry for my adopted little sister and how white she is. i cry for all adoptees who’ve grown up to become whites. i cry because im such a fkn mess. i cry bc my abusive tendencies started so early. i abused my little sister bc of my own fkn issues and our adoptive parents didnt even care, they didnt even realize.

i feel like this is who i was supposed to be. a disgusting manipulative abuser but i know thats just another excuse for me to not do smth about myself

why dont i care about my family? about my partner or my little sister? i’d say i love my partner the most but i care more about my little sister

sometimes when i see children of color, or asian children i just feel something so fucking strong. i feel like i want to die for them on the spot. i feel like straight out giving them my jeart and protect them forever.

i got pregnant when i was 17 and it changed my life. ive never been interested in children but after that i was. but its so unhelathy. im only interested bc i want someone like me. i even doubted the abortion. fuck i felt like absolute SHIT after the abortion. i felt like they took smth from me, they took my mom, they took my baby. everhthing was taken from me and i got nothing. if im not able to have biolocial children in the future i’ll kill myself. if my children is looking white or nothing like me i’ll kill myself. im happy i had an abortion tho. i wasnt mentally stable. poor child would have only been born bc i was feeling lonely

i’d be such a horrible mom too. i’d be so overprotective. im always like that. overprotective in a possessive kind of way. like YOURE MINE. my child would hate me and i wouldnt blame them. i just feel like i have to protect something. i NEED something to protect. no one ever needs me. im always clinging into others but no one ever needs me as much as i need them. a child would need me. but they would eventuellt grow up so im thinking about a dog or a car instead. they would need me.

you know what i want? uncondotional love. from people of color. yes i have that from my white adoptive parents but i dont feel it. instead i feel like im using them. im shitting so fucking much on them and i dont know if i do it even more cus i feel guilty for shitting on them. most times they just take it and its like that makes me even angrier but if they were to argue with me i’d fkn explode right there and now. ive always been such a problematic kid. i can feel it. my sister’s been so calm and perfect but ive always been unstable. its like i always test people. ive tested my adoptive parents for 17-18 years now.

but everhtime i actually have someone love me uncondotilnally i feel like i have to isolate myself. its such a weird fkn thing i have such a weird fkn conception abt relationships and such. its just the way i thought it was like. in a friendship, relationship or family theres ONE dominant and ONE submissive. i realized relationships doesnt work lile this AT AGE 17 WHEN I LOST ALL MY FRIENDS. can you believe i’ve lived like this for 17 years???? i still categorize ppl into this and its so fucked up. how could i think like this?? how can I STILL think like this?? the submissive have to love the dominant one but the dominant will always protect the submissive one. i always, ALWAYYS go for dominant ones. and its always, ALWAYS going shit. either bc i expect too much from them. i expect them to love me back snd PROTECT ME or im just too clingy and get rejected. bc when im the dominant one i get bored. its like i WANT to fight for peoples attention. i see them as superior and i feel good when they give me that. but not too much cus if they give me too much I’LL feel superior and then i feel bored. thats basically my relationship with my partner now. ive been an awful fkn asshat and they’re still staying with me. it disturbed me once so much i forced them to break up with me only to guilt trip them when they did.

im so fucked up i really am. my partner deserves so much better. im so fucked up that i want to break up with them but if i would, if they would, i’d go fucking banans. thats not a healthy relationship. i shouldnt be in relationship

i should be alone til ive fgired myself out. but lonliness and isolation drives me mad. i dont trust myself

this post wasnt supposed to be lile this. i was going to write smth intellectual but instead im exposing myself like this. why do i do that? i dont know. do i wan people to feel sorry for me?? is that what i want? do i want advice? advice that i know i wont follow anyways cus im a dumbass?? is it because i just cant hold it in? why dont i post it somewhere else private? especially when i KNOWW THAT ILL GET SO FKN ANXIOUS ABT POSTING THIS THAT ILL NEVER FACE ANYONE AHAIN SND ILL REBLOG SO MANY TAEHYUNG GIFS AND JUST LAUGH IT OFF BUT LILE..... IM STILL GONNA POST IT???

sometimes i tell myself i wouldnt care if i died but im actually so afraid of dying

i want to be happy i want to be good but i dont know if i can or if i deserve it. when im not feeling like shit i dont want to talka but this bc then i’ll feel like sjit snd im scared of myself. i feel like im turning into a demon, something i cant control and im scared i’ll do stupid shit

how do i get rid of this? how dont become happy. the fact that my family is white, my partner is white. is that a problem or is it only me? do i have to break up, do i have to cut off my family in order to become satisfied? in order to decolonize? i know adoptees who have. mostly cus they got real weird fkn prents but my parents are....... so-so. they’re white. they’re good parents except they’ee white. but other adoptees parents weren’t even good parents to start with and their whiteness and racism made it 722771x worse

i hate feeling so split always having to choose. choose between AP and bio family. whites and poc. i’ll choose poc. i’ll choose my birth family. but i dont have a birth family like...... and now im stuck with this white one. ive been abandoned multiple times im not strong enougg to get rid of my AP’s even if i want to. but i dont think that i want to. i think i love them. im just so fkn heartvroken abt the fact that they’re white and therefore constantly hurting me and my sister wether they want it or not. im stuck. its like a fkn curse.

i was a fine kid before. i always had these issue but the abortion def triggered it. the abortion and break up with my friends that was like the 3rd break up and i just knew that damn i dont have the energy to keep going. dont even get me started on the breakup. i was a sjit friend. yeah im still a bit salty cus i think hey could have handled it better but tbh........ they probably sensed the fucking freak inside of me me before it jumped. i keep telling myself they only protected themselves but im paranoid and hate everyone and when i feel abandoned and rejected i deal with it with being an abusive asshat

i wonder why im like this. im obv not the only one since i keep reading abt adoptees who murder and stuff. i kinda think thats me sometimes. that im gonna turn out like that and just go on a murder spree. when i see x-men or the black panther...... i always feel for erik and eric (sre they both named eric lmao). mage to and killingen. and all charcters like that. i cried so much when i watched these movies cus im so sensitive when it comes to families AND people. (xmen jewish ppl) (black panther black ppl). and i kind of undersyood them

especially xmen apacolypse. he really tried to turn good. he really got himself a family but even they got killed. everyone got kille. i kinda admire him but i also think he’s weak. how come he’s able to just turn good after that?????  i’d probably kill the whole fucking world. like what kind of propaganda IS THAT??? is that even real??

and i feel so awful cus i had a good childhood i guess??? i mean fkn killmonger grew up all alone and poor and he found his fkn dad murdered??? i understand that trauma!!! and magneto had his mom shot in front of him and watched his whole people fkn die. and what about me? i havent been through any of that

ofc i dont know. i dont know what happened before and i dont remember. my APs got divroced tho and my A mom got PTSD and i def think that affected me as well tho. i kind of lost my family AGAIN. and ive never really tristes them after that. even there u could feel me snd my fucked up ness

i was such a shithead to my mom who had freaking PTSD. i blamed her for everything. breaking up with dad, bad ekonomy and then our fkn white big brother moved home bc he was depressed too or smth and there we were. 3 kids sharing a room while mom was unemployed and slept in the living room. that was such a messy time and my 11 y/o self was so angry and aggressive. and my poor sister was so scared and shy. of me. of all of us

anyways why didnt my sister turn out like this? is it bc of my temepramwnt?? maybe. ive read abt mental illness but i dont really feel like anyone fits. im leaning more towards bpd. bipolar and ptsd are similar but i dont rly get those periods and i dont get flashbacks of my trauma either cus im not even sure what my trauma is. its more like..... a feeling rather than smth specific. i mean its not like i remember anything

but why did i tjen out like this. irs cus everyone hates me right? lmao u always think lile that ots so pathetic. i always think ppl do shit to huet m. my poor partner and ex-friends..... the simpliest mistake would make me crazy.

im such a horrible human and sometimes i dont want to do anything abt this. i just dont wanna CARE but i know i feel line that cus i feel guilty deep inside. and it wont make me happy either

if i recover will i stop hating white people? will i stop hate my family and non-adoptees? probably not white ppl and non-adoptees. i mean i still hate men and so so why would i stop just cus i recover. but my family? will i forgve myself? will i fogive them? i cant forive them ew no. ugh idek what im saying. what do i have to do to stop feeling like this?

maybe get out of bed? yeah thats a start

thanks ill reblog bts now and then ill turn off my phone and never come back. cant wait to comeback and cringe the fuck out of myself wow i love