#don’t get me started on his change if the kas theory is true

[harringtonscoded]

i love my soft sweet blorbo eddie munson who is awkward and yells and gets scared. he’s so terribly human and i love him so much.

but i also think that if he had survived, the upside down would’ve taken a lot of his softness. that kind of thing hardens you, like it’s hardened the others.

i think about steve who used to yell and panic in seasons one through three, who smiled more and laughed more. and then you hit season four and he isn’t so soft either. he can take a fight now, but what did it cost him?

i think that happens to all of them. eventually. every fight takes something from them—spirit, peace of mind, courage, you name it. and i think that if eddie lived, that trauma would’ve absolutely changed him like it would change anyone else.

[smileygoth]

The Outlaw Torn - Part Four (Stranger Things)

Yeah I'm resurrecting this one again (fnar) - I can't help myself, I know I should stop before it gets shit but I'm having too much fun running with this idea! I'll have a whole season 5 script done at this rate! KAS THEORY / VAMPIRE EDDIE is everything!!

Find parts 1 to 3 here!

CW: spoilers for the season 4, some mild swearing, that's about it.

Word count: 2,661 words.

Image courtesy of Netflix.

“God, Steve, I swear if you do not cheer up, I will strangle you myself!”

Steve lifted his eyes from the beer bottle in front of him to Robin’s exasperated face. “Sorry,” he said flatly. “I guess I’m just not feeling it tonight.”

“You haven’t been ‘feeling it’ any night for weeks,” Robin retorted. “Ever since…” She trailed off, her cheeks colouring, then continued in a rapid babble. “I mean I get it, we’ve all been through some major trauma and our lives have changed forever again, but I really think that if you would just try to have a little fun, you might start to feel better.” She looked around the crowded kitchen, where high schoolers mingled with older kids and took full advantage of the unpoliced alcohol on offer. Music was blaring in the living room and she could see bodies moving in time to the beat through the open doorway. Bowls of chips and snacks and cans and bottles littered the countertops in the kitchen and were being plundered remorselessly by the people struggling to hold conversations over the voices of everyone else. “I mean, there are plenty of hot girls here and you haven’t even spoken to any of them!”

“I’m not in the mood,” Steve replied.

“You’re always in the mood!” Robin argued. “You’re like, permanently on the lookout for Miss Right!” When Steve just scowled, she sighed and dropped her voice. “You’re not still thinking about Nancy, are you? I know I was encouraging you two to you know, revisit your old romance, but she’s clearly chosen to stay with Jonathan, so…”

Steve rolled his eyes. “Give it a rest, Rob.” He paused, winced at the harshness of his own tone, then added, “I’m sorry, it’s not your fault. I just … You’re right.”

Robin’s expression grew sympathetic. “Talk to me,” she urged, reaching out to put her hand over his.

Steve took a deep breath. “Well, you’ve got Vicky now,” he began, “And that’s great, it really is, but it just reminds me that I’m still stuck on my own. You have Vicky, and Nancy has Jonathan, and I’m alone.”

“Well you’re never going to find someone if you stand there looking miserable all the time,” Robin said gently.

“I know. But…” Steve groaned and shook his head. Lifting the bottle in his hand to his lips, he took a big swig, emptying it, then set it aside. “I never told you,” he said. “Eddie said something to me while we were in the … the other place.” 

Robin said nothing, but leaned forward, allowing Steve to talk quietly.

“He said that … Well, he said a lot,” Steve said with a small smile, “But what he essentially said was that … that he thought Nancy still had feelings for me. ‘True love’, he called it. And I guess I got that stuck in my head, and I just thought that Nancy would … Choose me.” His voice dropped at the end , so quiet that Robin almost didn’t catch the words. “I really think I love her, Rob, and I don’t know what to do about it.”

“Steve,” she said sadly. “I wish you’d told me sooner.”

He shrugged. “You’re right though,” he went on. “She’s made her choice. Moping around feeling sorry for myself isn’t going to help. I should be trying to get over her. Move on. Have fun.”

Robin shrugged. “It’s got to be better than being miserable,” she replied. Her eyes fell on something behind him, and she smiled. “No time like the present, right?”

Steve frowned. “I guess. Why?”

“There’s a girl over there who is de-vouring you with her eyes right now.”

Steve froze. “Is she cute?”

Robin gave a thoughtful hum. “She’s … not your usual kind of conventionally cute, she’s kind of got a bit of a waifish charm, but … yeah, she’s cute.”

“Waifish charm?” Steve glanced over his shoulder and chuckled. “Oh, I see.” He turned back and swiped a fresh bottle of beer. “Screw it. Back on the horse, right?”

“That’s my boy,” Robin beamed, giving him an encouraging punch on th shoulder. “Go have fun.”

Spinning on his heel, Steve tried to recover some of his old swagger, one hand rising to check his hair as he headed over to the girl. As Robin had said, she was pale and bright-eyed, giving her a fragile, almost ethereal look. But she was dressed in a cute dress and she had a drink in her hand, and she was watching him with a hungry look and a shy smile that didn’t quite go together. As he reached her her smile widened, revealing white teeth. “Hi,” she said.

“Hi,” Steve replied. “So my friend says you’ve been watching me.”

The girl dropped her eyes bashfully. “Maybe,” she replied. “Maybe I’ve had a crush on you for ages, and maybe I was working up the courage to come over to you.”

Steve smiled. “Well, now you don’t have to,” he said. “So what’s your name?”

“Debbie,” the girl replied.

………..

Eddie leaned against the wall behind him and took a long drag on his cigarette. It didn’t really do anything for him any more, but old habits died hard. Looking at the sky, he saw from the position of the moon that some time had passed. He supposed that by now, Debbie was off doing the job he had given her. Now he had to do his. The problem was, he was having a little trouble getting himself to do it.

To his right was the darkened window of Dustin’s bedroom. Where he stood pressed against the wall, Eddie knew he couldn’t be seen, but that didn’t matter since Dustin was asleep. Eddie knew this because he could hear his slow breathing through the slightly open window. He’d never been to Dustin’s house before, but he’d given him rides home after DnD games before, so he’d known where to find it. It hadn’t been hard finding the right window either, since the moment he got close he could smell Dustin’s scent almost pouring out of it. The boy’s presence was all through the room inside. And that was what was giving him the trouble. The smell of him was bringing back memories of those last few days. The days when Dustin had become more than just one of his DnD buddies. When he’d led the mission to save Eddie from the cops. When he’d hugged him at Skull Rock so tightly he’d thought his ribs might crack. When they’d goofed around making weapons and his biggest complaint had been that Eddie might wedgie him. 

When he’d held Eddie as he died. 

‘I love you, man…’

Eddie’s lips tightened around his cigarette as the echo of his own words came back to him. He’d meant it. That dorky little know-it-all had saved his life, and would have tried to save it again (which was exactly why he’d cut the blanket rope behind him - though he’d still found a way to come running). He didn’t really want to do this.

BUT YOU WILL, a low voice in the back of his mind growled. His voice.

With a heavy sigh, Eddie dropped his half-smoked cigarette and crushed it beneath his sneaker. Then he turned to the window and peered inside. The curtains were drawn, but carelessly, a wide gap left between them which gave Eddie an ample view into the room. He saw the messy desk, the shelves cluttered with books and plastic figures and pots of pens and pencils and notebooks left open to some scrawled thought or idea. He saw the dim blueish light from the terrarium on top of the bureau. He saw the narrow bed and the curled-up figure inside it. Curly hair spread across the pillow, face slack and related in sleep. Hands just beneath his chin, fingers curled around … What was that? A rag?

Eddie narrowed his eyes and looked closer. His keen eyesight made out a familiar black and white pattern on a worn piece of fabric. One he’d last seen the night he’d died. His bandana.

Something seemed to let go in his chest, and he recoiled from the hurt with a low groan. He wanted to cry. He wanted to punch the window and shatter it, punch the wall into pieces, punch the voice in his head until it fell silent and never ever asked him to do anything ever again. His hands balled into fists at his side. I won’t do it, he thought. Resolve flooded through him like a balm, and he took a step away from the window.

A sudan white-hot lance of pain shot through his head. Gasping, he stumbled, hands clutching at his head, fingers sinking into his thick brown hair. YOU WILL, the voice silently boomed. IF YOU DO NOT WISH TO DIE … AGAIN. Hot agony spread through his torso as he felt the old wounds tearing open again.

“Alright, alright, alright, I’ll do it,” he whimpered. “Just stop. Stop.”

The pain receded, slowly. Like before, in its aftermath Eddie felt a strange detachment. He stepped up to the window again and looked through. The boy in his bed was just a boy, the bandana clutched in his hands just cloth. He tried to conjure back the memories his scent had evoked and couldn’t. All he could think of was that this was the boy who had abandoned him in that awful place, alone, to die. 

Inside, Dustin stirred, his eyes blinking open. He looked around, confused. “Mom?” he called quietly. “That you?” He listened for a beat, then when the silence remained unbroken he shrugged and laid his head back on the pillow. Before he could fall asleep again, Eddie lifted a hand and rapped gently on the window with one knuckle. Dustin’s head shot up again, and this time he looked straight at the window. Eddie knocked again, and with a cautious glance in the direction of his close bedroom door, Dustin climbed out of bed and crossed to the window. Eddie’s bandana lay forgotten on his pillow.

When he pulled the curtains wide and looked out, Dustin’s face contorted in shock and disbelief. His eyes widened and his jaw dropped, and the colour drained from his face. 

“Hey, Henderson,” Eddie said softly, giving him a lopsided smile. After a second when Dustin didn’t reply, he added: “Think this the first time I’ve seen you lost for words.”

Dustin shut his mouth and swallowed. “Eddie?” he whispered. “Am I dreaming? You’re supposed to be dead!”

“You’re not dreaming, and I got over it,” Eddie replied. “You gonna let me in so I can explain, or are we gonna whisper through the crack in the window all night?”

Dustin’s hands reached up to open the window wider. Then he paused. Conflicting emotions sped across the young boy’s face, and he looked carefully at Eddie, the hope in his eyes tinged with concern. “Wait,” he said slowly. “You … You died, Eddie. Like, right in my arms. You were dead. How are you here?”

Eddie frowned. “Not happy to see me?”

“No, Eddie, of course I’m happy to see you,” Dustin quickly replied. “But … How?”

Sighing, Eddie pantomimed looking over his shoulders. “Dude, can I explain it to you inside? I don’t want anyone seeing me. I’m still technically wanted for murder, remember?”

Dustin hesitated. “Well…”

“C’mon, Dustin, man,” Eddie whined. “It’s me!” He plucked at his t shirt with one hand. “Hellfire, remember?”

Dustin glanced back to his desk, where his own Hellfire shirt was draped over the back of the chair. When he looked back, his eyes were wide and tearful. “Eddie…” he said. “I love you and I’m so happy to see you, but … You gotta admit that this is really weird…”

This was taking way too long. Eddie’s temper snapped like a bowstring. Unable to stop himself, he slammed one fist against the window and snarled: “Let me in, you little shit!”

Dustin recoiled in horror as Eddie’s eyes momentarily blazed red and his lips curled back to reveal sharp teeth. “What the…?” He stumbled away from the window, hands groping for something, anything to use as a weapon. All he found in reach was his Hellfire shirt. “Your eyes, Eddie!” he cried. “Your teeth! What the hell happened to you?”

Eddie chuckled. “Hell. Yeah, that’s about right.” He let all his pretense at being the old Eddie drop. “What happened is that you left me in that place, that … hellscape … and he found me and did this to me! Now let me in or I will rip your fucking head off when I get hold of you!”

Dustin winced, tears spilling from his eyes. Then the fear in his face turned into confusion. “The window’s open, Eddie,” he said. “Why didn’t you just climb in?”

Eddie paused. He looked at the window, then back to Dustin. “I … I don’t know,” he admitted. “I just…” He curled his fingers around the edge of the window and pulled. His pointed nails rasped against the glass, but it didn’t move. 

Dustin’s eyes widened. “Oh my God,” he exclaimed. “You can’t, can you? I have to invite you in! I know what you are! You’re a goddamn vampire, just like in the movies, Eddie!” 

Eddie slammed his fists against the window in frustration and snarled. “I’m warning you, Henderson!”

Dustin flinched away again. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m sorry I left you there. I’m sorry I didn’t get to you in time. I never wanted to leave you there, I swear. But my leg … I couldn’t get you out.”

Eddie’s keen ears picked up the sound of Dustin’s mother in the hallway. He pointed a sharp-nailed finger at Dustin. “I’ll be back, you little traitor,” he spat. “Just wait and see.”

He stepped back into the darkness, melting into the shadows cast by the trees. Dustin ran to the window and pulled it wide. “I’ll find a way to fix this, I promise!” he yelled. Then his mother was in the room, admonishing him for making so much noise, and Eddie slipped away into the night.

His mind and body were in turmoil. He was so mad at Dustin for not letting him in, his gums ached with the desire to rip his scrawny little throat out. But he was also confused at why he hadn’t been able to get inside - hadn’t even thought to try until Dustin had pointed it out. His stomach roiled with anger and shame - anger at having failed and shame at how he’d spoken to the boy. He was still just a kid, after all. 

And he’s Dustin - my Dustin.

The memories were starting to creep back in. Dustin yelling over the DnD table. Dustin sitting with him at lunch, beaming at him as he told whatever dumb story was in his head that day. At Skull Rock, hugging him til his ribs ached. He pushed them away irritably.

“Like the movies, my ass,” he muttered. Nothing had gone to plan tonight. He wondered if Debbie was doing any better with Steve. If she wasn’t, the plan was basically dead in the water - tomorrow Dustin would certainly tell all his friends about his encounter with ‘Vampire Eddie’, and none of them would let him get close. If they didn’t get Steve in the Club tonight, there was no way he’d get to the others. And no way to get to Eleven.

He strode back into the forest, back toward Skull Rock. No matter, he thought. If Plan A failed, there was always Plan B. The idea brought a smile to his face. 

“You like movies, Henderson?” he said to himself, his smile widening to a sharp white grin. “Just you wait. I’m gonna go full Salem’s Lot on this shithole town.”

Somewhere overhead, a bat shrieked. Eddie started to laugh.

[goldenkamuyhunting]

Ramblings and crazy theory time about GK chap 264 “The woman he saw at the hospital in Otaru”

And so here we go with the first new chapter for the new year that starts with a great battle...

Too bad the fight get interrupted (and no, I don’t really want to see Tsukishima crushed but to see Sofia in action is always SO GOOD), but okay, let’s go with order.

We left Sofia jumping on Tsukishima’s horse. She then parts Tsukishima from Koito and Nikaidou by slapping the horse’s backside and causing it to run away while Koito can’t give chase because his horse is dead.

Well, Nikaidou could but Sofia’s men kill his horse too as their purpose is exactly to split them up before more soldiers will come. They seem an efficent bunch even if they’re just two, in the sense they know what they’ve to do, they aren’t just blindly shooting, they’re shooting with a purpose. Too bad they’re clearly meant to be nameless red shirts, stuck in the story just to be extra characters that are ‘killable’.

Anyway Koito tells Nikaidou to cover him as he’ll try to move around and flank Sofia’s men.

Really, Ogata should have kicked his head sooner. Koito has somehow developed from that kick into a guy who can think of a plan before rushing to attack.

If this were to be solely a humoristic manga I’ll wonder if, with another kick in the head Koito would reach genius level or would revert back to the boy he was previously.

Anyway, Nikaidou agrees with his plan but we don’t get to see the two putting it in action yet as the action shifts on Sofia and Tsukishima.

Sofia  cuts the rope that ties the bag to Tsukishima’s horse then tries to shoot him in the head. She undervalues the hardness of Tsukishima’s head though, as the latter, grabs her wrist and then ‘uses his head’ metaphorically and litterally to hit Sofia’s face, following it with another blow with his elbow.

Really, Sofia, you made a mistake, I know why you prioritized curring the rope tying the sack but you should have stabbed that knife in Tsukishima’s side first when he didn’t expect it.

Anyway Sofia fires the gun, the discharge seems to be accidental as she looks surprised as the gun kills the horse, causing them both to fall from it along with the bag. Sofia, who believes Asirpa is in the bag, lets go of the gun and grabs the bag to protect her.

They roll on the ground and Sofia crashes her head rather badly against a pole.

She still manages to open the bag, to discover it’s filled with clothes. At this she tries to get back her gun but Tsukishima kicks it away... only to be punched away by Sofia as if he were a leaf.

Tsukishima flies backward, slamming on the ground, Sofia hot in pursuit... only for her to fall on the ground as the blow on her head she suffered previously causes her to lose consciousness, a large amount of blood dripping from her forehead.

Tsukishima, who normally is a tough nut to crack, raises himself a bit, a bruise on his check, wondering ‘what the hell is this woman’.

Honestly he was very lucky. It’s only thanks to Sofia hitting the head she ended up out of commission.

Back to Koito we go.

Noda didn’t really add much to the fight, either he’ll develop in the volume version or didn’t think it was important.

We can see that Sofia’s men only amounted to two, one of whom is now seriously wounded and telling his companion to run call the others who should be nearby or the main force in Otaru. His companion might be wounded too, meaning Koito and Nikaidou have good aim after all.

Still, this means Sofia still has a good number of men with herself, just not there as, in that moment, she was strolling around Sapporo only with two of them.

What’s not clear at all is WHY SHE IS IN SAPPORO and, more importantly, HOW SHE KNEW ASIRPA HAS ENDED IN A BAG.

Sure, she knew Tsukishima and Koito were among the ones who took her, but really, in Otaru she saw them wearing uniforms, which should have identified them as men working for the army, so it feels a bit weird she assumed they still wandered around in Sapporo with Asirpa in a bag and anyway... how did she know they were in Sapporo?

That is unless someone tattled out how everyone was there and how Asirpa ended up captive of Tsurumi.

Did she met up with Hijikata as the latter was chasing Tsurumi’s men? Maybe.

I’ve never heard of Hijikata talking Russian but maybe they managed to use Sofia’s broken Japanese to talk.

I don’t know if Ogata could send her words, he was allied with Kiro so he might have means to communicate with her but the last we saw him he was busy in his sniper duel so at most he could have summoned her in Sapporo, not tell her Asirpa was Tsurumi’s captive... unless the duel ended previously and Noda just didn’t show it to us.

I don’t know, we’ll see.

Anyway back to Sofia’s men, Kikuta and Tsurumi join the fight and it’s implied they made a short work of them as they opened fire against them so no, reinforcements aren’t on the way.

Tsurumi’s group and Tsukishima’s group... well, regroup, Tsukishima reporting Sofia, who’s still unconscious and bleeding, was speaking Russian and that he previously saw her at the hospital in Otaru. Koito notices Kiro’s knife on the ground and wonders if she chased them all the way from Ankou prison, evidently figuring she could be the Sofia Asirpa was talking about.

Tsukishima points out they should be after Asirpa but definitely got a serious grudge against them.

Oh Tsukishima, dear, you can’t even begin to imagine how SERIOUS this is.

Nikaidou suggests to kill her before she’ll wake up but Tsurumi instead decides to take her with them so as to try to get info from her as he thinks she could be one of Kiroranke’s allies and therefore a good source of info.

Really Tsurumi, hadn’t you recognized her yet?

Anyway Tsurumi admits they’re too far from Tsukisamu so they should hid Asirpa’s nearby.

And, all right, Sugimoto knew him well, Tsurumi has kept Asirpa with himself.

And about Sugimoto, we see him still trying to run after Tsurumi. I’ll admit he has stamina even though he’s probably running out of it, considering how bad he’s panting... and how he ends up throwing up.

Shiraishi, on the bottlemobile, reaches him so Sugimoto can hop in but Shiraishi is not Boutarou and his driving speed is slower than the one of a cat on a stroll so Sugimoto demands to be the one who’s left to guide because he knows exactly the right technique to speed the car up... punch the steering wheel.

Really, Shiraishi was doing better.

Shiraishi explains him the basics so Sugimoto shows us his skill as a driver... promptly crashing against some trunks...

...with the result Boutarou’s corpse flies out.

Sugimoto runs to recover it, apologizing to Boutarou. Really, considering he wanted to kill him and didn’t care at all about him previously his apology feels weird.

Shiraishi suggests to put Boutarou in the back and then the two resume going.

Sugimoto asks Shiraishi if he had met Kikuta previously but Shiraishi doesn’t really remember him among the men with Tsurumi.

Sugimoto goes back to ‘gold’ business and asks him if Boutarou told him anything.

Shiraishi tells him Boutarou told him to give up on being the escape king, settle down and tell his kids about him.

He then continues saying Boutarou always insisted he wanted to become a king but what he truly longed for was just to get back the family he lost and a home he could return to.

This causes Sugimoto to remember Kikuta, in civil clothes and without facial hair, asking him where does he call home...

...before making clear what he really wanted to know weren’t Boutarou’s hopes for Shiraishi’s future or Boutarou’s true dream but if Shiraishi got any of the Ainu info out of him.

‘Jā kekkyoku Ainu no jōhō wa kikidasenakatta no ka’

じゃあ結局アイヌの情報は聞き出せ無かったのか

Which loosely means "Then after all, you couldn't get the info about the Ainu out of him, right?"

Shiraishi admits having gotten them...

‘Iya... Shikkari oshiete kureta ze’

いや... しっかり教えてくれたぜ

“On the contrary... he informed me well.��

...but there’s a shadow on his face which doesn’t promise anything good.

On a funny note they’re going a little faster as they now can keep up with a running dog.

Meanwhile Tsurumi’s group is in the ‘Nihon Kirisuto Kyōdan’ (日本キリスト教団 “United Church of Christ in Japan”) in Sapporo, the church that, in Jack/Ostrog’s mind, replaced St Mary's Church.

They’ve taken Kiro’s knife from Sofia and Asirpa’s hunting knife and makiri from her and had sat them on one of the church’s benches. Asirpa is awake but Sofia is still unconscious even if they had cleaned up part of the blood on her face and she doesn’t seem to be bleeding anymore.

Tsurumi sends Koito Tsukishima and Kikuta to search for the other soldiers that got separated from them, telling them to return to the church only when they’ve eliminated pursuers, warning  them Sofia’s men are guerrillas so not someone they should undervalue.

I wonder if Tsurumi is sending away Kikuta and Tsukishima because they know Russian and he wants to question Sofia in ‘private’.

As for Koito, since he figured out something changed in him thanks to Koito newfound ability to speak in a normal way to him, Tsurumi probably think it’s better to keep him out of the way, should he decide to do something Koito might not blindly approve anymore.

Meanwhile Tsukishima dared to inspect Sofia and found the photo Tsurumi took of her, Wilk and Kiro so long ago... which reminds me the funny thing of how Sofia still wears the same clothes because no one ever changes in Manga, not even after 17 years has gone by.

Whatever, the next panel shows Tsurumi’s face completely shadowed, with as only visible thing the fact that his brain is leaking which, as usual, doesn’t promise anything good.

On a sidenote I’ve always wondered about that leaking.

Sometimes it seems a gross metaphor to Tsurumi’s excitation but sometimes it just seems tears. I wonder if it’s both, I wonder if a side of him is excited at having Sofia in his hands along with Asirpa and the other side is just heartbroken because he’s again reminded of Fina and Olga’s deaths.

Tsurumi is a complicate man and I wonder if in his head something is split and pain for his loss conflated with excitation for getting his revenge.

Anyway the chapter ends with still no mention of Ogata and Tsurumi left unsupervised with Asirpa. I’m honestly worried for her. My poor child is not in a good situation.

Metaphorically speaking it’s interesting they’re in a church considering all the parallels with Christian religion. I’m very curious to see where Noda will go from here.

[spiralesbian]

ALRIGHT

here’s my full Stranger Avatar Sasha Archivist timeline:

(also, thanks to @artbyblastweave for being so interested in my lil au!)

SEASON ONE

sasha james is hired as the head archivist of the magnus institute!

her assistants are jon, tim, and martin

tim takes the thematic role of martin (aka getting tormented by my worm wife jane, and stays in the archives)

sasha reads thru statements and is a skeptic! she really does not believe it’s real until jane comes along.

“tim……………………..did you die here?”

“no, but every time i come to work i die a little more inside.”

cute timsha moment in the supply closet tho.

until martin kool-aid-mans through the door and gets them out of there

jon used to work in artefact storage so he hides in there. he’ll be fine

i actually can’t remember how they all get out but they do it KKJSDGFJHD

sasha takes everyone’s statements. tim is fucked up, martin is also fucked up, jon is actually fine though he seems pretty normal about this whole situation most definitely.

sasha realizes this is a bit more than a regular archivist job.

SEASON TWO

sasha gets paranoid of course. she learns more about gertrude because she never got the chance to meet her

she takes a statement from a guy named michael shelley. weird dude. then helen shows up :)

jon is most definitely himself he is just a normal regular grumpy jon i swear :)

sasha starts to manifest her powers a little bit. she doesn’t know it, but she is an avatar of the stranger, and a prisoner of the eye.

she starts to notice more things about jon? similar to this comic but with jon

eventually she + tim + martin help get jon out of the grip of the NotJon. this is my au and i get to choose who dies (it’s no one because i miss the s1 archival assistants too much).

jon is pretty fucked up from this though and at like a season-3-tim mindset already.

fucking goddamn leitner avatar of the fucking whore shows up to trap the NotJon in one of his shitty fucking novels. fuck this guy tho

he’s like Sasha We Must Talk and shes like okay but stay 8 ft away from me at all times you bitch

she leaves the room for 10 minutes and pipe murder occurs. good riddance

wait are the cops in the season i genuinely can’t remember. if they are, their roles don’t change very much. melanie and sasha feud, battle of the bi queens

SEASON THREE:

uh oh! girlie’s be framed for murder! she crashes at her ex gf georgie’s flat. also the admiral is there don’t think i would EVER cut him out of this story

(also jon is georgie’s ex too because i think that would be fun JDHBFHS)

sasha learns abt an upcoming web ritual (mirroring the unknowing), all that shit. gets kidnapped a ton of times, as usual.

helen is like “i am going to kill you because i hate gertrude <3 i was that dumb bitch’s assistant for too long” but michael busts out of the door like Hi Guys and traps her in the hallway.

sasha also gives her statement about a leitner she found as a child that marked her. its a stranger book and we learn her edgy orphan origin story how her parents were both murked by the stranger. fucked up if true!

back at the archives jon is like so fucking tired of this shit honestly and now martin is also pretty paranoid. also jm romance subplot is still very present!

tim is just trying to protect sasha at all times and he’s pissed she keeps leaving the country and getting fucking kidnapped

(remember when jon persuades the traffic cop?) sasha starts to fill her archivist role in a different way. she can shapeshift into the subject of a statement and uses her affiliation with the eye to coerce statements or info out of people. (example: if she needed a live statement from the guy in #90 Body Builder, she could temporarily make herself look like jared hopworth to the guy and ask “what happened to me?” or “what did i do?” and the guy would be like well he built some fucken bodies i guess let me tell you all about it) while reading the statements in america that refuel her, she fully shapeshifts into the statement giver while reading out loud.

once again i truly can’t remember daisy + basira’s roles until the end of the season. also melanie get shot by the ghost at some point

anyways sasha gets kidnapped by trevor and julia and they gerry lays out all the shit for her and she’s like ah! i’m fucked

tim offhand mentions the web ritual to martin and he loses his shit cause he’s marked by the web blah blah this isn’t a web!martin thing i swear i just need someone to fill tim’s role in the ritual and a lonely ritual would be fucking boring as hell as we learned from ass man peter lukas. i hate that man

so they make the plan to stop the web ritual (which is fucking hard when the offense knows your every move) so sasha, basira, daisy, jon, and martin go.

tim stays back at the institute to burn shit and distract elias. elias does some fucked up shit as usual and it makes me sad

the ritual starts! they have a plan to blow it up and run but like. u know how it goes

instead of the unknowing-stranger-dream-sequence, we get everyone kinda mixed up in a huge spider’s web on the big stage and its still quite confusing because this ritual not only manipulates the prey, but also the prey’s perceived reality. the web is also in current control of the buried coffin cause they think that shit is kinda fun. they yeet daisy into it.

hard to describe what happens, but basira keeps her cool, jon is a bit lost in his own mind, sasha tries to use her powers to escape but fails. she manages to get through to martin through the strings and mounds of spiders and she tosses him the detonator.

[squishing spider noises]

SEASON FOUR:

martin doesn't die, i told you i can't kill the og archival assistants! he does lose most of one leg though, he took the blunt of the explosion.

sasha in da hospital in da coma. tim is mad he can’t wake her up and then my man ollie says “ur fucked up mate” and she wakes up

(and because coma jon has such wild hair controversy, i’m establishing that her head was shaved when she was in the coma. it grows back thru s4. it she keeps one side shaved cause she’s cool)

meanwhile tim is recruited by that dumbass man you know who i don’t even wanna say his stupid fucking name

sasha gets daisy out of the buried. they become avatar pals!

(there is the biggest blank in my memory where all of season four should be. at this point i should just relisten to the entire fucking show but i would literally just forget it all again)

melanie says hm. fuck this! and blinds herself. she goes to live with georgie (and that’s the moment jon and sasha realize they are both georgie’s exes FHFHDJD)

tim continues to fight the lonely pull. he thinks that since p*ter l*kas is tied to the institute, he can blind himself out cause melanie was successful. he is wrong. he is also interrupted by elias midway, and only blinds one eye, and loses most of his sight in the other. elias’s hold on him is weak, but this just drives him way farther into the lonely.

gotta be honest i remember the end of season four but like i couldn’t visualize what was happening at the end so i like don’t understand what happened JGDKFJGD but sasha intervenes (???) and peter yeets tim into the lonely (???) and sasha jumps in (??????) after him. elias is just there i guess?

instead of “look at me martin,” sasha finds tim and at this point her form is warped and hard to recognize because of stranger powers, and tim is almost 100% blind, so she says “don’t look at me, see me. see me tim, it’s me.” and finally creates a clear image of herself. “it’s...it’s you. you’re my sasha.”

they break free and go to scotland i guess KHSDDKDSF

idk what happens with jon and martin im losing continuity at this point. fuck it, they smooch <3

“ah these are the statements.”

“yes. basira said last week she’d send some up as soon as the archives weren’t a crime scene. and she wasn’t sure which ones you’ve read already, so she, she just said she’d send a bunch.”

“.........Hello Sasha.”

(alternate ending: personally i think sasha would read through each statement before speaking them aloud cause that’s what i would fucking do, so she would get this statement and be like “lmao tim come look at this elias trying to prank me dumb bitch think i’ll start the apocalypse for him. fucking little puny bitch boy. anyways what do you want for dinner?”)

SEASON FIVE:

“just. listen.”

“...i’m dead. and you have been chosen to be my replacement as head archivist. hopefully, this means you, jon, but if someone else is hearing this, and elias has made a different choice for some reason, then these words are still very much intended for you.”

sasha in full stranger avatar mode and is like 8ft tall and her faces shift a lot as they go through the realms. except the stranger is the second to last one (the panopticon is last obviously).

helen and michael actually talk shit out in the spiral hallway and now they are mlm wlw solidarity and both like tim and sasha are such bi and trans icons <3 this is so fun don’t you love the fearpocalypse <3

oh daisy n basira trapped in the hunt, and jon and martin are trapped in the stranger. wtgfs + the admiral are like in space or some shit idk but they are ok :)

not much to report other than she is my monster wife <3

i really don’t have many theories to how everything in s5 is gonna pan out, and i would like to closely mirror the actual show, so maybe as we get closer to the end i’ll build more on to this! thanks a lot for all the notes on my first sarchivist post!! also if u wanna make art this specific au DEF tag me in it i’d love to see!!

[ariainstars]

Why I Don’t Want Ben Solo to Die

Look, I am aware that Kylo Ren is a widely unpopular character with Star Wars fans. And that seems only legitimate, after all he killed his own father.

But reading and listening to fans’ comments, I come across the same judgement all over again: he is simply hated because he’s not badass.

The moment he destroys the ship’s console in a fit of rage it was already clear to most fans: what a baby.

When he took off his helmet so we could see his vulnerable features: that is supposed to be the villain?! He’s neither ugly nor beautiful enough! He looks normal!! (How awful.)

Kylo Ren / Ben Solo after the patricide, obviously traumatized. What a sissy. He did not enjoy the terrible thing that he did. He’s in pain and sorrow because his father is dead by his own hand, which means that he did love him.

A villain who loves someone? Who doesn’t enjoy the terrible things he does? My, my, how uncool is that. What a bad example to kids watching the show.

Ben watches Rey leave with the Falcon, tears on his face. He’s more miserable than ever, kneeling on the ground, literally having hit rock bottom.

But he’s the Supreme Leader now, folks!! Wasn’t that what he wanted all along? Why isn’t he triumphant?!

Ben Solo / Kylo Ren, like Anakin Skywalker / Darth Vader is a split personality. Many fans have never seen Ben behind the mask, not even in his interactions with Rey, because hey, if he was secretly a hero, he ought to be badass. And Ben is not badass, the son of Han and Leia is vulnerable and timid. So there can’t be a good guy in there somewhere, am I right?

Sorry, but I can’t help wondering how people can be so blind. It has been staring us in the face from the start that this man is not the story’s villain, that he is on a painful but ultimately successful way to redemption.

And by “redemption” I don’t mean coming back to the Light, but finally finding and sharing the balance the Force and the galaxy so desperately need. It wasn’t for nothing that he had promised his grandfather that he would finish what he started.

A guy I know claims that the wide-spread sympathy for Kylo / Ben (mostly coming for females) springs from the fact that for some unexplainable reason the role was given to Adam Driver, and that the actor’s personal charisma is leading fans to unhealthy and illogical conclusions. He never wondered why Disney gave Driver of all people this role in the first place, and that there actually might be a very good reason for that.

It’s easier to pretend that the saga is ruined, that Lucas has lost his magic touch and Disney is defiling the saga’s miserable remainders, than to sit down and try to think about it for just a minute. To listen, instead of believing to know everything by breaking down a 9-film-3-trilogies story to “it’s always black against white, ka-boom, the white ones win, the end”. Maybe, just maybe, Lucas had a good reason for telling the prequels the way he did and for selling the rights for the sequels to the Disney studios of all places.

One of the things that annoy me most is that so many fans keep calling Ben “Kylo Ren” and simply refuse to accept that actually they are speaking about Ben Solo, the son of Han and Leia and the nephew of Luke. Hence, also, the stubborn and unrelenting “it will turn out that Rey is a Skywalker / Organa / Solo / Kenobi”, even if in the first three cases these fans would actually be expecting her to kill her own cousin or half-brother.

Many of us have grown up with and loved the Star Wars original saga. I can understand that a lot fans are irritated by both prequels and sequels because used to stuff like Jaws, Rocky, Rambo, Alien etc. they of course expect a diluted and warmed-up rehash of the original story and not a development of themes and characters.

But these antis never seem to consider that Ben dying, and dying unrepentant, is the very worst service the saga could do to the original story. It has been said and shown over and over that Rey is a nobody from nowhere. Ben is, thus, indeed the last scion and heir to the heroes from the original trilogy. If he “gets by his deserts”, all that his family suffered and went through was in vain.

His father sacrificing himself - for nothing.

His uncle - ditto.

But to these fans, Kylo’s miserable death would be the only thing that could still halfway reconcile them with the allegedly disastrous, or at least very unsatisfying, sequel trilogy. If they were “real fans” like they claim, in my opinion they rather ought to pray day and night for Ben’s redemption. If they would dare to look beyond their noses, they would realize that Ben has his uncle’s learning, his father’s slyness, his grandfather’s protectiveness and his mother’s empathy and that these qualities are only waiting for the right spark to ignite inside of him and light the galaxy.

I have my own, personal reasons why I’m hoping for Ben Solo to be redeemed, and I’m going to admit that they are pretty personal.

Yes, I like Ben Solo and I like Adam Driver: not because of their pectorals and arm muscles (although they’re nice to look at 😊) but mostly because I identify with them. I want Ben to change and be happy and I hope for Adam to make a marvelous job of this role. I know he and the rest of the crew won’t be capable to convince everyone, but I do hope that they will make Ben Solo’s character, life and development understandable to as many viewers as possible.

I don’t want Ben Solo to fail and die miserably, unrepentant.

Nor do I want him to become Rey’s pet, only good enough to have kids with her so that she will finally have her own family.

I don’t want Ben Solo to die “because that whiny sissy deserves it”.

I don’t want him to die because he’s sensitive and “a real guy isn’t sensitive”.

I don’t want him to die because “he’s done so much evil and doesn’t deserve to be forgiven.”

I don’t want him to die by Rey’s hand because she’s badass so whatever she does, it’s ok.

I don’t want him to die because “he’s not good-looking so he can’t be the hero”.

I want the last scion of the Skywalker saga, the oversensitive, doubtful, patient, emphatic, funny-looking Ben Solo to prove to the world at large that you can be a hero and find your place in your own place, as a man, even if you don’t come up with any of the common prerequisites for a hero in the common sense of the word.

I want him to show the galaxy and the audience at large that it’s never too late, that you can change, grow beyond your wounds and weaknesses, find your own place among humanity and a happy ever after.

I want him to be a role and an encouragement for everyone like me who is introverted, insecure, thoughtful, sensitive and overall not badass.

For the same reason, I was happy when I saw that my theory that Rey would take a plunge into the Dark Side was founded. Rey is being mistaken by most fans as the true heroine of the saga because we see the story unfold mostly from her point of view, so we tend to identify with her and to overlook the arrogance, stubbornness and aggressiveness that were already hinting at her personal development.

I hope that Episode IX will finally make abundantly clear down to the last fan that even the most pure and intelligent and well-meaning heroine can still go down a dark path. (Louder for the people in the back: Anakin and Ben had all chance to be heroes and they were turned evil by the events around them.)

I want the Star Wars saga to end on the note “you don’t have to be badass to save the world.”

I want Love to be the triumphant end note.

I want vulnerability and empathy to be portrayed, in this action science-fiction world-wide known saga, as qualities that do not necessarily make you weak but can make you strong if you’re in the right place and employ them in the right way, instead of denying them and secretly admiring who has no qualms with going over corpses.

I know that many, many fans will never have compassion for Vader or Anakin. For some reason, if someone is frightening, they are likely to bow down before him and to think he’s right with everything he does, even killing and torturing.

Most fans hated the prequels’ depiction of Anakin Skywalker because he wasn’t a fearsome person like Vader but so desperately human.

They similarly hate Kylo Ren and wish him to end in the most horrible way because he’s conflicted and suffering instead of “enjoying” his crimes.

I know I’m being mean now: but I really hope that the expectations of these fans for “the badass wins” will explode in their faces when Episode IX comes out.

I predict that countless viewers all over the world will howl to the moon in frustration, claim that Disney ruined the franchise for good and sign petitions to start everything all over again.

But I hope that viewers who are less prejudiced will listen with their heart and find confirmation for what, in Lucas’ own words, the saga is all about: compassion and family.

And I also hope that future generations who will watch the saga on the whole, in particular boys and young men, will grow up with the message that you don’t have to be canonically handsome, formidable, violent and cruel in order to be a hero, but that loyalty and belonging to something bigger than yourself are more important; that a true hero is not someone who saves the world all by himself but who overcomes himself and creates a better place for other people and together with other people.

I don’t need to watch the lonesome hero, the cowboy riding away into the sunset. There are more than enough action films like that. Let Star Wars be a glorious exception for that cliché. I want it to give encouragement to people who, like me, are not cool and badass but for this are not useless, weak and have nothing to give to the world. If the saga ends the way I hope, I will assuredly not sign petitions for some of its chapters to be removed from canon but send George Lucas personally an enormous bouquet of flowers together with a card offering him all of my admiration and gratitude.

Do it for us, Kylo, Ben, Adam, George, please. Show the world that it’s always love that ought to win, not violence. Prove in a convincing way to whoever watches the saga that emotionality and doubts are not weaknesses but virtues, and that you can be a worthy and happy person without being cruel, vicious and creepy. I’m right here rooting for you and waving your flag.

See you in December. 😊

[monochromemedic]

Power Noodle Break

I stood at the entrance of Diamond City, shuffling my bag on my back as I glanced at the sight. “Never thought it’d look like that... It’s amazing.” I muttered to myself only to feel a hand on my back, patting me gently. “Quite the sight right? All big and... full of assholes.”  I glanced to the Diamond City guard who lifted his mask, showing a familiar pair of sunglasses. “Also i’m putting you under arrest” I rolled my eyes and gave a little chuckle, tugging my arm from Deacon’s grasp. “Couldn’t let me go on a solo trek for once without sneaking out Deek?” I asked, only for him to shrug. “What can I say, the city skylights call to me. And uh... Dez wanted me back in the city to check in with some people. It’s a happy coincidence, how could I pass up seeing you around this place?” “Oh is that what your gonna do? Show me around the city instead of doing your job?” I joked beginning to walk down the stairs. “Hey if anyone asks, i’m doing  my job as a WELCOMING member of the city, to give a tour of the city to the lost newcomer. And if they don’t ask that’s all the better.” He huffed, following shortly behind. “How was it? Any problems?” 

I shook my head.

“Surprisingly quiet. If I knew any better it was like one of you cleared it out before I ran through.” I stared at the man at the dirty duster at the bottom of the stairs, snuffing out the smoke under his boot. “I might have picked off a roach or two, what can I say it gets boring.”  He muttered, adjusting his hat before smirking up at me. “Otherwise it was all you. I mean if you wanted we could have added a few frag mines, wrangle up a death claw or two to spice things up.”  “No, it was good Cready...”  I laughed, looking him over.  He looked fairly clean, he must have had an easy time. Maybe it was just a slow day. “Well now that your here, can we finally eat?  I’ve been waiting for your slow as-butt and i’ve been dying to get some of Takahashi’s power noodles.” The merc complained, slumping dramatically as he walked to the Protectron’s booth. “I could go for a bite, hell i’ll take anything that isn’t mutated dog meat over a few embers any chance I can get.” Deacon continued, sitting down at a seat and holding up two fingers before Takahashi could speak. “Everyone speaks so highly of the noodles... I swear if it’s not as good as you guys say it is, i’m gonna be devastated.” I joked, slumping my bag near the stool  and taking a seat between the two men. “Nan-ni shimasho-ka?” The robotic voice rang out in a language I didn’t understand. I felt my heart sink to my stomach as I glanced to the ground. “Um... uh...” “Well you gonna answer the bot?” Maccready asked, a teasing smile hiding beneath his cap. “Yeah you might wanna answer fast, Ol’ Taka doesn’t like it when you take your time. It’s a man of little patience.” Deacon echoed. “S...say that again?”  “Nan-ni shimasho-ka?” My eyes darted between both of them, begging for help. “Wow... unbelievable.” The spy huffed as a bowl was handed to him. “Can’t believe your being so rude.” “I can’t understand-” “Nan-” “Yes... yes she’ll take a bowl.” Maccready moaned, huffing as he took his hat off and brushed his hair. “This guy can’t say anything but that... you just gotta say yes, it’s all he understands.” I looked to Deacon, not even looking towards me, but I could spy the little upturn of his lips at seeing me struggle with a joke he’s probably played on everyone to see them squirm. “You guys are assholes you know that right? ASSHOLES.” I slumped over the counter, head resting on my hand. I couldn’t help the smile from spreading on my face. “And how many times have you two pulled that stunt?” “About every time we find someone new to the city. I mean it’s a classic, how could you not?” Maccready stuffed his face with some noodles, sighing and tapping his spoon against the bowl. “Hey Takahashi. Perfection. Oh and uh give a little bit of that magic to the girl’s bowl. She needs to know what good food is.” The robot responded with his one liner, only for Maccready to nod and mutter yes’s in response, as if he was actually talking to the Protection. It didn’t take long for a bowl to be made for me. The steam from the bowl made my glasses fog up. It’d be nice to have something warm and fresh that wasn’t pilfered from a dead body or covered in blood. I lifted the spoon to my mouth, and took a sip of the broth and was surprised by the flavor. I began to scarf down as much of as I could, like I hadn’t eaten in a week. “Another customer suckered into your deal. You’re gonna be living the life of luxury in no time.... maybe I should start the noodle business,” Maccready wondered outloud, “Be easier then.... killing people, I just need to learn how to make noodles...” He paused, taking a studious sip of the broth. “Probably all of the Mentats he sneaks in.” the guard muttered, finishing his bowl. Before leaning on the counter  and passing the robot a few caps from his pocket. “By the way if you suddenly start feeling light headed, its the mentats. I’ll be uh... guarding over by the wall when you wanna get the grand tour.”  He pulled his mask back over his face and headed to look menacing, leaving me and Maccready alone, as we started our next bowl. “So... where are we gonna spend the night? Is there a hotel or something?”  “Yeah, little place called the Dugout Inn. I know the guys there, nice little bar that sells the strongest liqour I know of in the commonwealth.  I’m sure they’ll be glad to see a new face around town, and if they need any work they’ll be happy to give you the details.” He explained. “I’ll probably go there for a few drinks if your gonna go take a tour from mister creeper over there.” “You saying that Deacon’s creepy?” I said, glancing over to Deacon who was smoking and making waving away another guard who was beginning to ask a few too many questions.  “What i’m saying is a guy that changes his face every couple of months and hides around stalking people for a living is a LITTLE creepy. If he wasn’t such a goody two shoes, helping the uh... the..” He paused stopping himself from outing Deacon “Helping a few people, he’d be considered real freaky. Least with that he has an excuse.” “Says the mercenary who use to run with the gunners and the run away from a town infested with blood bugs. I don’t think anyone here is allowed to point fingers at others about what’s weird or wrong about the other... With the stories you two tell me about what’s really out there lurking in the radiation is anything to go by then changing your face is the least freaking thing.” Mac only huffed, knowing that arguing with useless as it usually ended with one of us silently upset or ending up hating each other. Especially when it came to who was friends with who and what was right and wrong. The mercenary slid from his stool, passing a few caps to Takahashi before pointing to me. “I’m covering her too.” He grabbed his cap and gun and began to walk away. “Dugout Inn, don’t forget that. If i have to go looking for you in the dead of night i’ll be pretty pissed.” I waved him away, looking down at my empty bowl of noodles. The quiet roar of nearby people talking, people working and selling in near by booths seemed to grow louder with the men’s absence.  Maccready was true, trusting people in the commonwealth was hard, hell Deacon made it hard to trust him half of the time with constant lies. But Maccready was still friends with him at the end of the day, and Deacon just seemed to be weirdly secretive.  I didn’t want to be an idiot, I didn’t want to get betrayed by close ones. I didn’t think I would but the ways the two of them spoke it was almost like it was given. The thought almost made me sick, the idea that if these guys didn’t stab me in the back someone down the line eventually would. “Nan-ni shimasho-ka?” I looked up from the broth, staring at my own reflection in the robot’s armor.  It had started to get dark, the lights strewn about the city beginning to light up.  “Um... no i’m ok. Is that enough let me...”  I paused, counting the caps and then giving a thumbs up to Takahashi. “Looks good. I’ll defiantly be back, thanks.” I picked my bag back up and walked over to Deacon, slumped against a wall. “You seemed a little lost in thoughts back there. Everything ok?” He asked, his smile fading to a look of concern. “Just... thinking. About everything.” Deacon skewed his face before nodding, grunting as he pushed off the wall “Lot to take in. I get it. You’re doing pretty well considering how fast things are going. My theory? Take it one step at a time, take it easy, and don’t eat any plants you find that you don’t know. Knew a guy once, ate something he thought was a fancy tato... yeah.” I stared blankly at Deacon, judging silently if he lying or not. “Well uh... you want that tour then?”

[roominthecastle]

Hi Room, What do you think about the finale? Any theorys about why Katarina did that to Red? And what do you think about the Stranger? Thanks!

To me, the finale in general felt okay, which is strangely comforting bc it wasn’t bad. I’m good with an “okay”. “okay” is an improvement (like I still feel TBL is trying while – to use a concurrent example – GOT gave up on itself and its fans spectacularly). There are individual moments that are more than okay to me (DEMBE, the team work, esp Liz & Red, esp esp Liz taking charge and that tiny moment of synchronized tea drinking) and others are less than (e.g. the conclusion to the conspiracy plot is kinda… ?!), but overall I like how S6 played out and my excitement for (lucky number) 7 is intact. Things are in motion and interesting again, and I finally gave myself permission to do a proper, full-scale re-watch during the summer, maybe attempt to chart the timeline, too, which is sth I never expected to consider doing again. I’m even gonna read the comics. In short, this season pulled me back in the Zone.

the rest is behind a cut due to length – @ mobile app users, apologies as always

Red’s identity, Dom’s story, and Liz’s side of these things

The Stranger: Masha was bound to figure out you aren’t who you say you are. What I can’t figure out is Dom. Why would he tell her all that?Red: In an attempt to help her move on.The Stranger: And she believed him?Red: She did. So much so that she‘s decided it’s safe to bring her daughter home.The Stranger: I know Dom meant well. He shouldn’t have told her that story.

So… having seen this scene, I def have more doubts than before, anon, but I still believe that the gist of the Rassvet story (including Red == Ilya) is true. This is (imo) why Red tells Dom “I know the broad strokes, I know who I am, but I need to hear the details you used to sugarcoat the ugly truth to make it look like a fairytale”, i.e. something that Liz has a tendency to swallow (see changed man!Tim or every paternity test they show her), something she was eager to embrace here, too, despite the obvious holes bc – as she told Ressler – “it is sweet and safe, so I’m gonna overlook things that don’t add up and hope it doesn’t come crashing down on me this time”. But it does. Every time.

Whether we like it or not, this is a consistent trait in Liz, this willingness to settle for a sweet, simple story over the messy, complicated truth even when she has misgivings (see her going at Red in 219, “It wouldn’t kill you to lie just once to make someone feel good.”). She’s not stupid, she’s just scared and unsure, imo (and so is Red but, unfortunately for Liz, being pathologically secretive is still what soothes him). But when there is no sweet story available to make Liz feel good/safe or it’s no longer sustainable, that’s when she grows restless/angry and goes on the offensive until she feels safe again. She did this w/ Tim and then w/ Red, too (she literally locked both of them up to gain control), and both times we can eventually hear her say “I was scared of you but not anymore”, and both times she expresses love for a safe & sweet idea and not the full reality of these men who cannot live up to that idea, so the cycle starts up again (well, not w/ Tim as he is now dead but Red is still in the running.)

It doesn’t really matter if the answer she gets is incomplete or untrue. As long as she can make herself swallow it, as long as it brings a sense of security, she will go for it. Tim played along w/ this and that fantasy bubble collapsed every time. Red never did and never will indulge her w/ sweet delusions but by doing so, he also reduces their “feelgood” time together. He hides behind her father’s identity but for her, he breaks cover repeatedly, which to me further signals that he doesn’t wish to take on the roles associated w/ this identity in her life, which clearly clashes w/ her park bench claim of “this is who you will always be to me”. And given Liz’s track record w/ these self-soothing declarations, I think we will once again see her being contradicted.

Having heard of what’s happened btw her and Red, I think Dom decided to tailor the truth to give them a quick-fix. His story brought a sense of safety/certainty that Liz craves – sth Red refused to offer when he told her he had a secret and he had to keep it and refused to give her any embellished feel-good alternative. But now he is on edge bc some of his secrets have been spilled and it was done in a way that maximizes his discomfort (by making him look like a hero when he considers himself anything but, and, ultimately, by undermining his control over his own “narrative” around Liz). I believe this is part of the reason why he tells Dom that he likely made everything worse by telling her that story.

I hope next season they will be pushed to face more of the actual truth together – in all its ugly, messy glory – about what exactly happened and, more importantly, why. Because we still don’t know much of that. Dom only offered a taste but now Katarina is back to mix some sour to the sweet (I am hungry as I am typing this, can you tell ;)

The Stranger: well, we barely have anything to go on here but what we have is already intriguing, i.e. he grew up w/ Red, he seems to know Dom and Katarina personally, he seems to have some serious tradecraft background + connections, and he is among the v few who is trusted w/ Red’s secrets, so he is inner inner circle for sure (and he’s played by Brett Cullen, so… yes please). I still think the childhood pledge from the Rassvet story is an element of truth (it just fits our Red way too much + I see it reflected in “Cape May”), so I think these 3 (the Stranger, Red, and Kat) were likely childhood friends and they all picked similar career paths (or it was picked for them), so the Stranger is likely Russian, too.

Katarina continues to puzzle me to no end, I freely admit. And I am enjoying it (for now anyway). The finale offered some really interesting details here, imo, and I think Red’s 2nd meeting w/ the Stranger is the most revealing.

Red tasked his mysterious friend to locate Katarina bc Ressler’s dig for his real identity triggered an active search for her, too. The Stranger finds her and hands Red a picture saying, “It’s her. I’m telling you, Raymond. Paper trails. The passports. The travel. It’s her.” What we can immediately conclude here is that they didn’t even know what Kat looks like now since it’s not the picture the Stranger used to identify her but her signature methods/movements (knowledge of this implies a close working relationship in the past at the v least). And since he doesn’t hand Red the pic to ask him to confirm it’s her but to show him what she looks like now, we can also conclude that Red had no idea what she looks like now, either, which means that he hasn’t seen her for almost 3 decades and, apparently, he would have been fine w/ maintaining this arrangement if it hadn’t been for the security risk Ressler’s digging exposed them to.

This conclusion lines up nicely w/ two (imo very important) things established in previous episodes:

Red’s hallucinations at Cape May – he sees Kat the way she looked in 1991/92. His mind couldn’t conjure her present image bc his last memories of her are almost 30 years old. This in turn implies that the Hobson’s choice event took place around this time, as well, and that was the last time he saw her. It was the last time Dom saw her, too, if what he tells Liz in “Rassvet” – that it was 28 years ago – is true.

Katarina being dead – whatever happened to Kat, her own father considers her as good as dead now. So does Red and Dom blames him for this loss, going as far as saying he killed her.

Dom: These boxes are all I have left of my daughter.

Red: If Katarina were standing here instead of me, if it were she asking you, what would you tell her?Dom: It doesn’t matter because she is not here and she’s not asking.Red: But if you could tell her–Dom: I can’t!

Dom (to Liz): If my Katarina was still here, she would have let me know. [… her mother sent a letter hoping it] would find her alive. I picked it up because I knew it never would.”

Liz: You said the name Masha Rostova had been lost to history until the manhunt. Now it’s out there and someone’s looking for me. It’s my mother.Red: Lizzie, your mother is dead.

Her mother was dying, Kat never showed. Her daughter was being hunted and it was televised globally – Kat never showed. And clearly neither Dom nor Red expected her to as they both seem to consider Katarina dead despite being aware that she is still out there somewhere. Moreover, they both believe that Liz is better off thinking her mother is dead than knowing whatever the truth is (so it cannot be too good). Add to this Red’s latest remark to Liz – “your mother can’t hurt you” – and things truly get weird and interesting. Was Kat subjected to some special session w/ Krilov, too, that somehow “extinguished” parts of her, practically rendering her old self “gone”? This would be my current best guess (just a shot in the dark, really) and I know it’s crude sci-fi territory but this is TBL we’re talking about.

Whatever happened to Kat, Red was involved in it, and we have several remarks to back this up:

“All the money, all the time and effort, all the favors in the world cannot possibly equal what you took away from her.” (Red, 216)

“There was a woman and her child. Both were doomed. Both would die. I could either save one or lose both. I chose the child. It was the worst thing I’ve ever had to do in my life.” (Red, 319)

“I’m not sure Elizabeth will ever be ready to learn what you did to Katarina.” (Dembe, 422)

“[Katarina] is gone because of choices you made.” (Dom, 320)

In “Cape May”, Red hallucinated forgiveness/absolution from Katarina but we don’t know if this is how she actually felt. It could have been just Red trying to make himself feel better about doing what he felt to be necessary. Katarina in the present doesn’t seem to be in a forgiving mood, tho. She clearly expected to be contacted and she clearly considered Red’s presence a threat.

Red: If Moscow is looking for Katarina, if Agent Ressler’s inquiry has reignited their search…The Stranger: Then I know that could be bad.Red: I want this done before Masha’s daughter comes home.

So… your guess is as good as mine here, anon. All we have for now is a whole lot of vaguing and very little concrete info. I agree, it feels there’s sth more to this but there’s just so little to go on, it could be almost anything. What we can conclude is that the Stranger and Red (and Dom) have stayed away from Katarina for almost 30 years and if it hadn’t been for Moscow’s freshly reignited interest in finding her, this complete lack of contact would have remained. They didn’t even keep direct tabs on her since they had no idea what she looked like or where exactly she was or that she was a threat to Red (otherwise he would have approached her differently, imo).

They clearly do not want Kat to be found – the precise “why” remains to be seen. Red’s first words to her are a warning – “it’s not safe” –, and I think he truly went there to make sure she wouldn’t be scooped up. That was his immediate objective. If she were found, the consequences would reach Liz and Agnes, and heading that threat off is what ultimately motivates Red here (→ “I want this done before Masha’s daughter comes home.”). He didn’t look too enthusiastic to make contact. He didn’t want to, he had to.  And he didn’t tell Liz, which suggests that he wants this separation to remain, which suggests that something is up w/ Katarina that goes beyond the usual “you can’t be in her life bc it’s dangerous” reason. Dom stayed out of Liz’s life, too, for safety reasons yet Red told him to find Liz if anything happened to him. That doesn’t seem to be the case w/ Kat at all. Red himself stayed away from her yet he went to find Dom after Liz “death” and returned several times after that for advice or simply for his company.

The meeting w/ Kat wasn’t a social call and it did not feel like a romantic reunion, either. Red just looked sad and tense to me. And he clearly did not expect to be stabbed, so I don’t think that bit was part of any planned performance. Why he received that treatment is another good question. Kat has clearly come into the possession of some new info that compelled her to go on the offensive. It could be related to their past and that vague remark about what Red did to her OR it is about something more recent that Red wasn’t aware she was aware of?? Right now this moment feels like a convergence of two separate threads: Red came to warn her based on “undisclosed plot point A” and Katarina reacted to him based on “undisclosed plot point B”.

Oh, I love this song, anon. Antis can keep pointing at that awkward kiss (that he doesn’t even initiate, she keeps pushing her face into his) as evidence of some ~epic romance~ all they want, but once again they fail (and/or refuse) to see things in context and “Cape May” was already pretty clear wrt Red’s feelings, I agree. and the finale lines up w/ it, too, which is nice.

Red hasn’t seen her in 30 years yet he only decided to contact Kat bc her looming exposure threatened Liz and Agnes, and when he is shown a picture of her, this is his reaction:

Not exactly what I’d expect from a dude in love (even if it were unrequited). He had a way more emotional reaction to Dembe’s return and he only left like a week ago. This is more like how you react when someone shows you photographic evidence of Bigfoot chilling in their hot tub w/ a beer. And now we know Red knew all along that Katarina was alive, so him “designating” Liz as the woman he loves and confessing (several times both to her and others) that without her he has nothing to live for and saying her name as his last word speak volumes already. So if they wanted to sell Red/Kat, they have already undercut themselves on multiple fronts here by giving literally all the romance tropes to Red/Liz. But I don’t believe they are selling R/K, it’s just another smoke screen + Kat is part of a past both Red and Liz have to settle for the sake of their future. And settling the past is always easier and more fruitful to do w/ a living human than w/ a ghost or a hallucination.

Yeah, I think it’s there to signal that they (Dom and Kat included) go way back and were/are close, like you said. and to indicate shared Russian roots, perhaps. As I said above, I still think Red is Ilya and the Stranger is likely Russian, too, (and so is Dom), so using Liz’s original Russian name makes sense in this context of “Russian togetherness”.

and Red sometimes calls her Masha around Dom, too, bc that’s what Dom calls her bc that’s who she still is to Dom. And I think that’s why Red calls her Elizabeth bc that’s who she is to him, which is a nice little detail further emphasizing that his main/defining connection to her is the present one just as James keeps saying. Or as Red puts it on-screen

I can def see both sides here, anon, and more. Knowing what we know about Red, both are likely among the multiple reasons that underpin his behavior in this scene. Yes, on the one hand, he was pressed for time and wanted that Kat thing done as soon as possible. On the other, he was also kinda closed-off as if he were trying to hold back emotionally as well as physically, which I think flows from 2 main sources: 1) he feels uncomfortable w/ the labels Liz wants to push on him (ever since the pilot he’s been displaying a preference for “partner” and not “father” and he might be reaching his saturation point) and 2) he is still heartbroken and afraid to put himself out there again w/ Liz after three major betrayals in a row. He’s already had a sort of baseline distress due to how emotionally vulnerable he is to Liz at all times, so after this latest heartbreak I think he is just trying to take things slow, leaving space and time for Liz and himself to figure out a mutually acceptable way to fit together.

She’s been using his heart as a knife block to satisfy her own needs and I think it’s making him less and less willing to force himself into slots that feel uncomfortable to him. She just decided that him playing dad and grandad is what suits him but a week ago she thought life in prison suited him the best. I mean… that’s not how you relationship. At all. Relationships are ongoing negotiations where all involved need to consent to their “roles”. It’s not “I hate you now, so I will put you in prison” and then “I love you now, so stay for dinner”. After everything that’s happened, I am not surprised Red is pushing back a little here for the sake of (what’s left of) his own sanity. He is a deeply flawed, problematique human being but he is still a human being and not a toy.

Liz and Agnes are the most important to him and he would never ever force his preferences on them, I completely agree. But that doesn’t mean Liz should be allowed to force her preferences on him esp when those change so often and so drastically bc she clearly doesn’t know what she really wants from him yet. I think this realization is finally truly dawning on this guilt-ridden, lovesick idiot and that’s part of what we see in this scene, esp in that “I don’t wanna intrude” comment that really does feel like a pointed retreat from her abrupt park bench declaration. But of course there is no negotiation w/o talking and that’s what Liz wanted to do before Red shut her down, so…

bottom line (that’s been the same for 6 years): these 2 need to talk.

[dogtastictraining]

Pack Leader Pack Smeader

Some ideas get so ingrained in society that it can take a really long time to see that idea change.

In this case, it’s the alpha/pack leader theory, which has been debunked now over 20 years ago. 

Yes. 

TWENTY years ago! 

And I STILL see and hear those words on a day to day basis. 

Here’s the deal. In the 70s, a researcher named David Mech was studying adolescent male wolves in captivity. He noticed they would fight to have one leader of their pack, and from this observation he coined the alpha/pack leader idea. 

Almost 30 years later, in 1999, he published a paper correcting his original conclusions after he had studied actual wild wolves outside of captivity. He noticed that wild wolves have a more similar structure to our families, and actually a male and a female both are top. The elders are respected the way we respect our parents and grandparents, and that was no assertion of physical dominance to gain leadership. The reason for the fights in the original study is because they had a group of adolescent male wolves together that would not have naturally been together in the wild. 

However, despite the actual original person who coined the term telling us it’s not true, it is still SO prevalent! I cringe and cry inside when I see yet another person saying they are the pack leader or are showing their students how to be a pack leader. 

It is literally setting our dogs and our training methods back 20+ years.  🤦‍♀️  

And I instantly know they do not really understand dog behavior or training. 

  Unfortunately, the idea sounds good and seems to make sense if you don’t really understand what is happening. 

Why does your dog behave with one person and not another? Because dogs understand circumstance and situations, as do humans. 

If you weren’t allowed to eat cookies at home but were at a friend’s house where they were allowed to eat cookies, would you abide by the rules at home or the new rules at your friend’s house? 

Some percentage of you will say you’d still abide by your parents, but honestly most people would eat the cookies at their friends. Does that make these people stubborn or dominant or that parent less of a leader? No. You saw and opportunity and you took it. Your dog behaves better with the trainer/dog walker/friend that comes over that implements rules from the get-go. 

For example, when I work with student dogs I start training them from the minute I walk in the door. I NEVER pet dogs for jumping up on me. NEVER. Even if the family does not mind it. I immediately start working on sit or down or reward when they are calm... all while we are doing our initial evals or catching up on past weeks of training. 

So what starts to happen is when I come over to work with the dog, they are good.. they offer me a sit or a down, they do not jump, etc. Does that make me a better pack leader than you? No! It means I have a rule and I stuck to it and your dog learned that. 

And don’t humans do the same?? You know which is the pushover parent or boss that you can get more things out of who will always say yes. Does that make you dominant? No! It makes you an observant person with a history of rewards from the easier person! This is all your dog is doing. 

Why do some groups of dogs from different families follow each other? Not because of some hardwired genetic code of being a pack. Seriously. Your herding mix and lab and frenchie and poodle and whatever else are not syncing up as a freaking pack. 

Lots of breeds were not even bred to BE pack animals (not in the way that huskies and beagles/other hunting breeds are actually bred to work with other dogs). 

At the dog park dogs follow each other around because of fear of missing out and because don’t we all do that too?! The other day I stopped downtown to watch a ton of birds flying and a bunch of people stopped too to see what I was looking at. Haha Is it a pack mentality thing? No! It’s curiosity! 

Have you ever been somewhere where people were handing out free giveaways? Man when they first start people flock to them like flies on honey. And then more come to see what the crowd is about, and it steam rolls from there. Dogs are no different... they want to smell the good pee too, or sniff the new dog, or whatever else. 

Why does your dog pull? Not to be alpha, that’s for dang sure! Because dogs walk faster than we do. We are slow! Seriously, their fundamental gait is faster than a normal human’s pace. Also because the world is interesting and we don't out take them out enough to explore that world. And 1/3 of their brain is dedicated to scenting and they want to sniff! One third! And also because they do not naturally walk straight and our walks are straight as an arrow. Or they pull because you let them. If you ever, ever take walks forward while your dog is pulling, if you ever let them pull you to say hi to meet another dog, or pull over to sniff a tree or pee, then you are rewarding that behavior right then and every time. It is rewarded behavior that makes a behavior increase... not your dog's desire to be alpha. 

Why does your dog try to push his way out of the door or jump out of the car before released? Because he is excited for a walk and you are going slow. Because you let him do that 50% of the time when you are not paying attention or are tired. Because someone is your family lets him do that. Again, because he has a behavior history of being rewarded for that. Not because he is alpha and wants to go first. 

And again, don't we all do the same thing? Crowds of people push into stores at Black Friday to get inside first.. it is a competition for resources at its finest. Or, I naturally walk really fast and if I am behind a slower person and I am approaching a spot where I would get stuck behind them, I speed up and try to dart in before them so then I don't have to go slow. Does that make me an alpha? Probably. Haha JK. No, it's just I am busy and experience dictates that times in the past when I have been stuck behind slower people and have been trying to get somewhere, it was frustrating. So I am trying to avoid having that situation occur again. 

Your dog is doing no different. Again, we are slow, we stop to check our phones, we are talking, etc. and your dog wants to go go go! Or it's the first time they have been out all week and they want to go go go! They are not being rude intentionally, they are just being dogs. 

And yes we can have good manners at doorways and in cars... I teach that to all my dogs, but that is for good manners and safety, not because of a pack leader thing or alpha thing. 

Why does your dog have bad behavior at home? Because they are young, untrained or badly trained, and because what dogs want to do is vastly different than what we want them to do. 

Yes you should be a good leader for your dog by being the leader that anyone of us wants to see. 

You should be clear, consistent and fair. 

Those are the sorts of leaders we need more of, and it has nothing to do with your dog thinking you are part of his pack. 

News flash, he does not. 

You are not a dog. 

He knows you are not a dog. 

You are not his pack in any sense of what that would meant for a dog. 

You are a person. 

You are a person with a responsibility to train and guide your dog, and love them too. 

Many people can and do get some results with the pack leader/dominance-based style of training (dominance-based meaning that you are trying to establish yourself as the more dominant one), because if a dog has no rules and structure, then anyone implementing some rules will immediately be better than nothing. 

But I just want people to realize it has nothing to do with you being the pack leader or alpha. It is literally a made up concept that is proven incorrect over and over and over and over again. So many times in fact that it’s hard to believe it hasn’t gone away. Unfortunately, trainers like Cesar Milan have made it popular and will continue to perpetuate it for as long as his TV show airs. Before his TV show we were actually getting traction with getting that concept to die out, but now it is more prevalent than ever before. 

So, train your dogs. Be kind to them, be fair, and think about how it is from their perspective. Are you clear in what you are asking? Is everyone in the household on the same page? Are they being rewarded for their behavior intentionally or accidentally? This is mostly where people run into trouble. 

If your dog is doing a behavior that you are having trouble with or think that he/she is doing it because of being alpha, please message us to ask. I guarantee we can help you figure out what is really happening. :)

Becky Pesicka, CPDT-KA, CNWI is a certified professional dog trainer and a certified nose work instructor. She has been running Dogtastic Training since 2011 and has worked with students all over the country and world. Follow us on Facebook and Instagram @dogtastictraining​ for more training tips and dog conversation. 

[yaniethoughts]

To the Next Person Who’ll Love Him

An open letter to the next person who'll love him and the things I found out and loved about him. It was a privilege to be given the chance to know this much about him. The things I'm about to say are things I found out during our friendship and are not necessarily true for future reference. People can change when they want to, so this is the version of him that I got the chance to know and love.

1. His SB drinks: Iced/hot English Breakfast Tea with white mocha and raspberry syrup with a splash of breve, tea bag in also known as "Pink Drink" and looks like the "Pink milk" from thai dramas. For him, it was like happiness in a cup. When he started med, he has tried mocha frappucinos, americano and cold brews.

2. Alcoholic drinks: Prefers Red horse over other drink. Most unforgettable was a canned beer from Thailand. He sometimes get Heineken. Not so picky with cocktails, and will go with anything the group decides.

3. You'll know he's tipsy when his hair gets messy or he starts shaking his head after a drink or shot. When he's drunk he'll just doze off or he can become unreasonable so just listen to what he has to say. If he's hurt, he'll start opening up or cry. Just be there to listen. If ever there will be a point, he wants to vomit…he'll tell you.

4. Food: He's quite picky with food. Totally no middle eastern or Indian food. Anything with too many spices and aromatics. He doesn't like anything too spicy or fermented either such as kimchi. His comfort food during our friendship is samgyeopsal, particularly the thinly sliced beef without marinades, slightly toasted to a crisp. Aside from that, he used to order Breakfast starter: eggs scramble, bacon, plain rice and lemonade with an extra order of bacon. If funds are getting low, either he won't eat at all or offer cheap alternatives…preferrably with a fast service, Laxamana's (Pork sisig) or Paylite (teriyaki).

5. He cannot be separated from his phone: He's always on his phone. He has a lot of friends and responsibilities in med school. He will check up on those at anytime, don't worry he's still listening to you if ever you're teeling him something. BRING A POWERBANK. His phone during our friendship had battery problems, and his phone drains so easily. Bring a back up type c cord too, just in case. If he somehow, ignores his phone during your time and talks to you instead…you're very lucky.

6. Don't let him wait, especially by the time you meet him. He'll either be busy with acads, clerkship or internship. Same with most med students, their time is precious. Do not demand for more, because you know the type of career they have. At this point you have to remember quality over quantity.

7. He might have inhibitions from receiving things. (I feel I might have contributed to that) He would often hesitate to accept things, but will accept them if it's already there. He'd willingly accept treats from friends instead. Just remember that when you give things freely, you no longer have ownership over them. Don't ever count them and use it against him or isumbat mo sa kanya. You gave it freely and he never asked them from you.

8. Maingay siya magreview. I think yun yung learning strategy niya. And being a teacher, there are times na you have to pretend to be a student kasi he uses teaching as a review. Don't try asking the questions in his transes, not very helpful and kung non-med student ka hindi mo rin masasabi kung tama or mali yung sagot. Kung may kailangan ka din gawin, pwede ka naman mag earphones pakiramdaman mo lang kung kelan siya mag rerest. Either kukunin niya phone niya or kukuha ng bagong trans.

9. He smokes: a lot when stressed, but curbed when he has to do a lot of things. He usually uses this as a reward after finishing a certain number of transes. If you smoke, you should at least have a pack of marlboro blue (pwede rin green or black) or esse pop and a lighter. If you don't smoke, okay lang din naman sa kanya.

10. There will be times he won't be able to reply to you as fast as he used to. Either he's phone is dead, quiz or exam, tulog pa or travelling. If those conditions don't apply, take a hint. If you got impatient waiting, ask him personally and not through text.

11. Music: You'll often find him listening to music. During our friendship, he had listen to a lot of OPM bands, Particularly Ben&Ben the rest includes: The Juans, Autotelic, December Avenue, I belong to the Zoo.

12. There will be times he'll rant or throw a shade on social media. Just ask how he's feeling first before asking to whom it is directed to. He's not in the mood during that time and it's more important to let him calm down first. He'll tell you when he trusts you.

13. He rarely invites people out, but when he does that means he wants to be with you. If you want to spend time with him, do the same. Just invite him out, especially when he wants to, he's very vocal about it anyway.

14. When he nags you in texts, or send songs that he listens to before he shares it on his social media accounts, he cares.

15. As mentioned before, he has a lot of friends. It's best to keep your best foot forward. You'll meet them along the way. Masaya sila kasama, and it would be best to go with the flow of their humor. Being too serious and rigid, won't help you.

16. Marami din siyang crush. Just remember, crush is paghanga only. If he really likes someone, he'll stick to one. You'll know it's you if you notice some of his friends warming up to you. He would usually ask his friends to be his wingman.

17. He has a lot of smiles, all equally adorable but not necessarily true. Once you’ve seen all, you’ll know which one is true. The kind of smile that radiates towards you.

18. He rarely watched movies in theaters. So if you were to invite him for a date, go out for dinner, coffee or drinks instead. He enjoys long walks too, if he’s interested.

19. He’s an ultimate fan of Friends, watching it over and over to cheer himself up or to relieve some stress. Game of thrones as well, finding the finale disappointing. Big Bang theory as well.

20. He’s not perfect. He has flaws just like everyone else.That’s up to you to decide, but one thing is for sure, you have the capacity to accept them. Accept them, not change them. He has to do it on his own, when he finds it necessary. And when he does, support him.

I'd like you to know that I found happiness in him that's why I found all of these things easy. Acquaintances and even my closest friends have called me stupid for doing them for so long. There are times that I believed them but not completely. All I did was express my love…transform it to something that is acceptable to the both of us…. Even though it didn't last. Judge me if you must, but I will do all of these things all over again if I had a chance. It was my love for him that allowed me to open my doors and become the person I am today. A kind of love that is transformative. I admit that most of it came from me, but it won't exist without him that's why I am so grateful for him. Unfortunately, his love is not meant for me, not because I don't deserve it, it's just not for me.

To the next person who'll love him, I hope you'll mean it when you say so. I want you to know that there are people who loves him as well, and he refused them to meet you and be with you. If you would be given the chance to love him, the kind of chance where he is fully aware and acknowledges your love to the point he reciprocates it…don't lose it. He's been hurt before, and if you've felt that before, don't become the reason for it. Communicate.

OR

To the next person who'll love him, love him your own way….because I'm not the best person to know. I don't know how to love him, if I did, he would have seen it. If I could no longer be in his life as a lover or even as friend, I just want him to remember me as someone who truly loved him. I hope he won't settle for less because if someone like me could love him so easily, someone whom he loves should be capable of exceeding it. Just as I won't be settling for something like this ever again, because now I know that I also deserve the love that I was willing to give.

[drkreviews]

Time to Change the World

Here I am with the final part of this month’s themed week in “Lyrical Love”! Today’s subject is a song by the musical project Wing Works, precisely Vad†Man, lead-track of the first single Vad†Man, sorry this is “Machination”, come out on 26th June 2013. This song can be defined the most important one in Wing Works’ discography, as it encloses the features of his sound, electronic and engaging and deals with the true meaning of Ryo:suke’s work in this project.

THE MUSIC

An energetic and rhythmical melody opens this song, featuring electronic notes and an adrenalinic theme; Ryo:suke’s voice is mixed, alternating screamo parts with auto-tune and clear tones, keeping up an engaging and technically compelling, with a good guitar work, dynamic rhythm and a funny dance part in the middle, giving to the song a touch of unpredictability.

Lyrics (Romaji)

NĒ KIZUITE KURE SEKAI NO SYSTEM ARATA NA RENAISSANCE OWARU MAE NI.

NEW WORLD ORDER IS IN THE TV SHOW. “SHINSEI WA TŌSEI NO MONSHŌ” CHIKAZUKANAI DE.... NEW WORLD ORDER IS IN YOUR IMAGINATION. “SHINSEI WA TOKKEN NO KŌMYŌ” KOROSANAI DE...! “KAMI YO, CHARISMA TO WA NOZOMARENU MESSIAH?” BOKU NI MEBAETA IMBŌRON. HISOKA NI SHIKAKETAI KIMI TO NO DARK MATTER “SEKAI O IMA, KAETE YUKŌ” OH, VAD+MAN. OH, VAD+MAN. BOKURA ITSUKA TSUBASA MOTSU SHITO NI NARERU. OH, VAD+MAN. DAKARA ABAKE SUBETE NO UTOPIA. MADA KIZUKENAI NO? SEKAI NO SYSTEM TSUKANDA RENAISSANCE KOWASARESŌ. NEW WORLD ORDER IS IN THE TV SHOW. “SHINSEI WA TŌSEI NO MONSHŌ” KOROSANAI DE...! “KAMI YO, KONO JIDAI WA HIGEKI NO CLONE NA NO KA?” CHIPPOKE DE MO II TEIŌGAKU [SUNG] EGAKITSUZUKETA TEIŌGAKU. SUBETE GA SHIKUMARETA AKUI NO UZU NO NAKA “SEKAI O IMA, KAETE YUKŌ”

AH... MAKE A NEW WORLD IKUDO KURIKAESU SEKAISEN DE MO

MAKE A NEW WORLD BOKU WA NANDO DE MO YARINAOSERU SA IBARA MICHI FUMISHIME OH, VAD+MAN. OH, VAD+MAN. BOKURA ITSUKA TSUBASA MOTSU SHITO NI NARERU. OH, VAD+MAN. DAKARA OWARE, SUBETE NO UTOPIA. SĀ, SHIKAKEYŌ.

Lyrics (Translation)

Hey, be aware of the world’s system Before the end of the new renaissance.

New world order is in TV show “Rebirth = emblem of control” Don’t come closer...

New world order is in your imagination. “Rebirth = privilege of who is ingenious” Don’t kill me...! (I)

“God, charismatic pioneer, unwanted savior, a messiah?” A conspiracy theory which I grow up with.

I want to start secretly with you and the dark matter “Now let’s change the world” (II)

Oh Vad†Man. Oh Vad†Man. One day we will become apostles with wings.

Oh Vad†Man. Therefore Let’s unveil the whole utopia. (III)

Do you still not care? World’s system The grabbed renaissance is destroyed.

New world order is in TV show “Rebirth = emblem of control” Don’t kill me...! (IV)

“God, is this era a clone of a tragedy?” The little things for a good monarch An imagined monarch.

Everything has been structured in the whirpool of malice “Now let’s change the world”

Ah...

Make a new world Even in a world line repeated many times.

Make a new world I can do it again and again.

I tread in the thorny path.

Oh Vad†Man. Oh Vad†Man. One day we will become apostles with wings.

Oh Vad†Man. Therefore The whole utopia has ended.

Come on, let’s begin. (V)

THE WORDS

Written by Ryo:suke, the song has a quite compelling layout in its own, mixing short slang lines with longer and more reflective ones, but in general the meaning is quite clear. Before talking about the song in specific, it’s needed to make a little premise of the single where it has been released. The debut single is focused on Vad†Man, a character created by Ryo:suke, already featured in Silver, the lead of the first album, and which would have appeared in Fushichou -Fennix-, the lead of the second single. This fictitious character is a symbol of change and revolution, as brought out in each track of this single; the title-track deals with the desire of changing the world, despite the consequences coming from that, as we will get to see later, while the other tracks, The Light of Exodus, Illumina✡Luminalion and I’ll die, but my CREATION never die, deal respectively with the research of a promised land, resistance or submission and the eternity of art and all of these songs, the lead in particular, have a great use of spiritual symbolism, linked to deeper images than expected. And now... let’s analyze the song!

I) The text starts with the protagonist which invites the reader to be aware of the current world system, before the new renaissance ends (NĒ KIZUITE KURE SEKAI NO SYSTEM/ARATA NA RENAISSANCE OWARU MAE NI), bringing to the new world order, based on a TV show, where the rebirth is synonym of control and oppression, which he doesn’t want to approach his life (NEW WORLD ORDER IS IN THE TV SHOW. /“SHINSEI WA TŌSEI NO MONSHŌ”/CHIKAZUKANAI DE...., referencing to the power of mass media in people’s lives); but the true world order comes from the imagination, where the rebirth can be seen and understood only by ingegnous minds and finally the protagonist asks to his mate to not kill him, as they have to do something together (NEW WORLD ORDER IS IN YOUR IMAGINATION./“SHINSEI WA TOKKEN NO KŌMYŌ”/KOROSANAI DE...!)

II) The protagonist has grown with the false image of a god described as a charismatic pioneer, an unwanted savior and a simple messiah, trivializing the figure of prophet (“KAMI YO, CHARISMA TO WA NOZOMARENU MESSIAH?”/BOKU NI MEBAETA IMBŌRON.), but meanwhile he wants to start secretly his mission change, along with his mate and with the dark matter forming the universe around them (HISOKA NI SHIKAKETAI KIMI TO NO DARK MATTER/“SEKAI O IMA, KAETE YUKŌ”).

III) The refrain sees the protagonist, Vad†Man, says that one day they will become apostles with wings, for bringing their revelation of utopia to the whole world (OH, VAD+MAN. OH, VAD+MAN./BOKURA ITSUKA TSUBASA MOTSU SHITO NI NARERU./OH, VAD+MAN. DAKARA/ABAKE SUBETE NO UTOPIA.).

IV) The protagonist sees that his mate doesn’t care at all about the current world system, which has brought the renaissance, so much grabbed, to be destroyed (MADA KIZUKENAI NO? SEKAI NO SYSTEM/TSUKANDA RENAISSANCE KOWASARESŌ); after repeating the second part of the first sequence, the protagonist asks to God if this era he is living is a clone of a tragedy, showing him that there are little things so that a monarch rules well, but it is only in the imagination (“KAMI YO, KONO JIDAI WA HIGEKI NO CLONE NA NO KA?”/CHIPPOKE DE MO II TEIŌGAKU/EGAKITSUZUKETA TEIŌGAKU.); then he realizes that the whole world is structured in a whirlpool of malice and that’s another reason why a change is needed (SUBETE GA SHIKUMARETA AKUI NO UZU NO NAKA).

V) So he and his mate want to make a new world, even if many world lines are repeated, even if he has to do that again and again, as he is walking in a thorny path (MAKE A NEW WORLD/IKUDO KURIKAESU SEKAISEN DE MO/MAKE A NEW WORLD/BOKU WA NANDO DE MO YARINAOSERU SA/IBARA MICHI FUMISHIME, the latter line is a reference to the Passion of Christ) and after the repetition of the refrain, the protagonist realizes that their utopia has ended and that now they have to act for changing the world (OWARE, SUBETE NO UTOPIA/SĀ, SHIKAKEYŌ).

In a world made of symbols, oppression and deception, what is the solution for making things better if not the change? Wing Works points out this statement in his most representative work, energetic, rebellious and unpredictable as few, confirming his need to break the schemes, whenever is needed.

That’s all folks! See you tomorrow for a new review in “Let’s Listen to”!

Thanks for the reading!

*Sorry for the delay*

[96percentdone]

DR1 character rankings

I got bored and kept seeing @halfpastmonsoon do these and decided fuck it I’ll do it myself. It’s my blog right like?

Anyway uh in case someone gets super irate about it these are just my opinions and you’re allowed to like characters I don’t like for whatever reasons you want? You’re also allowed to hate characters I like! But isn’t an invitation for you to fight me just because I have different opinions, yeah? Okay! Under the cut!

1. Kirigi//ri Kyou//ko: she’s my god damn wife what do you want from me. I’m really gay did you see her in DR3--OKAY NO FOR REAL. Kiri is so good holy shit she’s like morally complex because she’ll do anything for the truth, even throw you under the bus just to make sure she can still live to find it. She’ll get mad at you for keeping secrets and yet she’ll keep like 8000 from you and except you to roll with it. My point is Kiri has flaws, but more importantly, she has like an arc where she learns from them? Like with the secrets she realizes she was being unfair, and when she throws you under the bus it’s when it clicks just how she was gonna KILL Naegi just tomake sure she could keep operating as herself. She realizes her mistakes, and she comes clean on all her secrets and apologizes. She’s got a lot going on. And I love her so so so much.

2. Oo//gami Saku//ra: too good for this fucking sinful earth. okay. No, but seriously I think she’s amazing simply because of her arc. She betrays them all in a moment of weakness, because she fears for her dojo, and over the course of getting attached to them realizes she can’t throw them all under the bus like that either. So she resolves herself and finds the strength to fight Monokuma, and suffer alone as consequence to her actions. But even that’s not enough. It’s not enough to just accept you’ve sinned and take your punishment, you have to do something, and she does. Through her own strength and love for the classmates around her she kills herself just to end their fighting. It stopped being about her, and just...grijgoirjgoirjgowe okay I love her. 

3. As//ahi//na A//oi: throwback to when the consequences of trying to get everyone killed mattered even a little! I love her a whole lot! She’s super bubbly and excitable and tries quite a bit, but the thing I like the most is how she’s is pretty much exclusively run by her emotions. ch4 plays out the way it does because she gets so caught up in her guilt instead of thinking it through more she decides they all must die for their sins. It’s only when she’s forced to think about the ‘suicide note’ that she recieves she realizes she fucked it up, and then apologizes. Her apology is glossed over a little too fast if we’re being honest, but it’s there, and we see everyone reason their way into forgiving her. Listen I just like ch4 a lot and she’s a big reason as to why.  

4. Eno//shima Jun//ko: throwback to when DR villains were actually good and compelling. Girl makes a fucking entrance and she stands out because she literally can’t decide what she wants to be out of boredom. It becomes so clear just in how she treats herself that the only thing in this WORLD that matters to her is her own entertainment and that to her, entertainment means despair. Boredom is the one true despair, and it can only be satiated by seeing other people suffer at their worst. She embodies despair because suffering is the only thing that can satisfy her own personal despair. She wants everyone to suffer like she does, so she can get off on it. It’s paradoxical and mad, but it’s genuine. Even when she loses, she wins, because now she suffers from the despair of failing. She suffers because things don’t go her way, but things not going her way alleviates her boredom. She goes beyond human comprehension and yet her actions have very real and permanent consequences. And she’s a joy to watch. DR3 never happened to ruin her. Nope.  

5. Fu//kawa To//uko: Man I love Fuka//wa I really do she’s a lot of fun, and it’s just a shame her potential isn’t capitalized until DRAE, but I did enjoy seeing her. The serial killer twist is fun too! I’ll admit I largely like her because of what DRAE does for her, but I think her persecution complex is interesting to see in motion, and that for someone you’d expect to be smart given her talent she’s just kinda a fool. She doesn't actually know what she’s doing at all. I’m mad she doesn’t get her moment in ch6 and it goes to Syo instead I think it’s crap how DR1 ignores her as a character, but given how well she’s used later I think DR1 is basically just her backstory in a lot of regards so ye. 

5.5 Genoc//ider S//yo: lmao she gets ranked less than Fuk//awa only because I like F//ukawa slightly more but they’re pretty much tied otherwise. She’s funny. I’m a little annoyed that she’s the one with the big climactic dialogue in ch6 versus actual Fukawa but whatever man.

6. Fuj//isaki Chihi//ro: y’know I had like several paragraphs here as to why I ranked Fujisa//ki here and then I realized the discourse I’d reopen on the subject is not worth it because Fujis//aki Discourse is eternal and no matter what pronoun I use someone would fight me SO. We’re just not gonna explain why. You’re just gonna have to accept it. I’m not doing Fu//jisaki discourse. If you message me on the subject, I will ignore you. The end. 

7. Na//egi Mako//to: Egg is a super static character if we’re being honest. He makes no change and doesn’t develop, but I think it was actually the point. I pretty much exclusively prefer a character who develops, but egg does his job well because he was meant to be SYMBOLIC of hope. Hope is not something that changes, it simply IS, so having him start optimistic and trusting, and remain optimistic and trusting works because he embodies the concept he represents. It’s kinda boring that it feels like he’s a vehicle to view the plot, but he works, and he’s a little funny at times. Also, I’m gay for Ogata Megumi so there’s that.

8. Ishi//maru Kiyota//ka: Honestly I think Ishi is kinda boring, but I just really like that he got suuuuper invested in Oo//wada only to crash like. I think Kodaka doing that and realizing how bad people took Ishimaru’s later death made him start having actual development arcs based on someone else’s sacrifice which is good. So at the end of the day, I like Ish//imaru if only because of what he inspired. But he’s kind of a cute character, and his “not actually gay we promise” dynamic with Oow//ada was fun. 

9. Hag//akure Yas//uhiro: For comic relief he’s actually kinda funny although I will never never never forgive the man for “Kiri//giri-chi is a ghooooost!!!!” shit in ch5 listen no fuck off fuck you she’s not a ghost. But he’s useless, but it’s kinda funny how useless he is, and I like how his useless stupidity actually plays a role because he makes things even more complicated than they need to be in ch4 because he’s dumb. So there you go. 

10. Ik//usaba Muk//uro: She like has no real character as a result of like not actually existing as herself in the 2 minutes of time she gets before she dies so I don’t know how people stan her, but I think there’s something interesting about her pretending to be someone she’s not the whole time. You see more of that in school mode, but I wish there was more of it in the main story to hint at the reveal than her DEATH. I feel like she’s a lot more interesting in theory than in practice. 

11. Oo//wada Mon//do: I just don’t care about the man what do you want from me. He’s kinda funny though, and “his totally not gay we promise” bromance with Ishi//maru is nice. Also ch2 hurts sufficiently and provides interesting commentary on toxic masculinity. But honestly, I just didn’t really get all too invested in the guy. His design’s cool though.

12. Ma//izono Saya//ka: she’s just really boring guys she’s like not interesting at all, and I don’t appreciate the game forcing her on me just for a plot twist of ‘oooo she dies and was gonna frame you for murder!!!’ There’s like nothing To her, and she’s intentionally played like wife bait so the reveal hurts more but it doesn’t really work when you’re not taking the bait, huh? All that being said I actually kinda like that at the end of the day she ISN’T wife bait and she’s kinda conniving and manipulative, but Kodaka decided we have to preserve her as “ultimately good” with that “dying message means she really does care” thing he hammers in so she’s a little wasted. I’d like her more otherwise. 

13. Yama//da Hi//fumi: He’s creeeeeepppyyyyyy. I’ll give him credit for one thing though and that’s like his creepiness is like reserved towards an AI? Like he’s not like a certain sdr2 character who I won’t mention by name, but like it’s still. It’s not good. Also for comic relief, he’s not very funny. But I also just kinda feel bad for him because his existence is treated as a joke by everyone, even the writers, and that probably explains why he’s written like that, to begin with. 

14. Ce//lestia Ludenb//erg: She’s a bitch? She’s not even a fun bitch she’s just a bitch. I just don’t like her better than thou attitude before her reveal, and her motivations after her reveal in ch3 did nothing to endear me to her. I think the writing behind her though works, which is good. The plot twist is satisfying for that reason. She’s like Ouma jr in regards to the DR Liar archetype, which is great tbh, and she has payoff, I just don’t like her as a person so she’s super far down my list lmao.

15. Toga//mi Byak//uya: listen he’s a douchebag and gets no real character development at all. like in ch4 he decides he’s gonna stop playing the killing game how Monokuma wants, but he still is the same fucking condescending better than thou asshole he started as. His major character flaw ACCORDING TO THE NARRATIVE is that he’s a self-absorbed piece of shit who thinks he's right about everything all the time, and yet even when he gets WRECKED in ch4, he like...stays the same. Instead of thinking “maybe I’m wrong sometimes” the conclusion he reaches is “I’ll stop doing what Monokuma wants” which alright fine but like that’s not the arc we set up for you. So basically Togami from start to finish is just a douchebag with no actual redeeming qualities. I will say one thing. I like him MUCH better outside of DR1, where he seems to have actually developed a little, and he’s kinda funny. Also his backstory is fucked I’ll admit that. But dude I don’t like the man. 

16. Kuwa//ta L//eon: If you’re wondering why Leo//n’s down here at the bottom even if I just professed to hating Toga//mi with my entire being it’s because I very aggressively don’t care about him. He is a non-entity to me. You could erase him from my memory and nothing would change at all. Also he’s ugly.

[rowdyprofessor]

Saat Soch: IPKKND3 Episode 22

Here there be spoilers!!

Previous

1. Why? Just ... why!!???

I’m tired of the shagun-ka-sikka games and tired of Chandni flirting with Advay, being scared when he makes advances and then switching instantly back to flirtation when he backs off. 

What are they trying to show here? How are we supposed to interpret it? There’s a difference, in my view, between showing a woman scared of intimacy and a woman scared of the entire man and his intentions.

And to be clear, this is still the same day that he set PP on fire. Everyone has changed clothes but it’s not actually another day!!! This day started in Episode 16 and has just dragged on and on and on.

In the flashback montage of salutes, they forgot the salute he did when he SET AN ENTIRE HUMAN BEING ON FIRE. This made me very angry because it seems the show is trying to convince the audience that Advay’s not really that bad. News flash: he is.

2. Chandni’s attachment

Chandni: “Sach mein jaa rahe hain? Hamesha ke liye?”    [Is he really going? For ever?]

Chandni becomes emotional when Ajeeb Singh Raizada starts to leave. As Advay noted, she’s fallen for him and just doesn’t know it yet. This is the closest she’s come to acknowledging that she’s formed an attachment to him.

I would speculate that her quick attachment can be attributed in part to her recognising, on some level, that he’s Dev, but it’s more likely a result of the show’s creative team not knowing what they want to show.

3. The family meet Rachna

Shikha: “Humne toh prank kiya tha, yeh toh frank ho gayi!”    [We played a prank, but she’s real!]

Chandni has no idea who she’s dealing with! She fabricated Rachna to get Advay out of the house, and Advay brought her to life. Meghna, Shikha, and Chandni knew exactly what was happening and I thought their reactions were hilarious. 

I’m impressed that Advay managed to get the exact same kameez for Rachna to wear -- apparently his audience wouldn’t have recognised her if she wasn’t dressed exactly the same as the video she made.

Rachna: “Advay se koi bhi ladki pyaar karne lagi gi. Advay hai hi aisa.”     [Any girl would fall in love with Advay, he’s just like that.] Kajal: “Yeh toh truth-wala-sach hai ji!”     [That’s true!]

Did Advay write those lines for the actor he’s hired? Full of ourselves, aren’t we bachcha?

Rachna says that she made the video in the hopes of winning Advay’s heart, but has now learnt that love is earnt, not stolen (what, in the two minutes since the video aired?)

Rachna: “Main apni do idiot behno ki baaton mein nahin aati, toh main woh video kabhi nahin banati!”     [I would have never made those videos if I hadn’t listened to my two idiot sisters.]

LOL!!

Indrani: “Iss ladki ke jhoot ke vaje se, humne Advay ko galat samjha.”   [I believed Advay was in the wrong because of this girl’s lie.]

And note that it’s Chandni who lied -- Chandni, the girl who runs around saying that she never lies and always owns up to her mistakes.

4. Punishment

Advay: "Yeh toh ek zidi, dhokebaaz ladki ki bachkani harkat hai. Isko itni importance mat dijiye.”    [This is the childish prank of an impetuous, dishonest girl. Don’t give it so much importance.]

Advay then discusses possible punishments for Chandni Rachna, to which Kajal eagerly suggests to handfuls of chilli. The Vashisth sisters experience a sudden and overwhelming urge to cough. Shakun suggests two slaps, which the girls seem to feel on their cheeks, and Rajit chimes in by mentioning police stations. Chandni imagines handcuffs on her wrists.

Advay thoroughly enjoyed this and smirked at Chandni as she shook her head to beg ‘no’. His decision to forgive her without punishment most likely seemed too good to be true.

And with this stroke of genius, Advay is reinstated in his bedroom.

5. Mosquito

Advay: "Raat ko mere kamre mein aa jana, katto gilehri banke.”    [Come into my room tonight, all made up.]

Even Chandni’s refusal had a hint of flirtation in it as she questioned his choice of language. Advay promptly threatened to reveal her prank to Indrani, PP, and PP-Mummy before commanding her into his bedroom again. Alone, Chandni had a moment where she shared her exasperation with the empty room.

I get it, she’s Cute™️. But the cuteness is overdone, to the point where it looks like she’s incapable of being serious. Tomar’s voice modulation, which was excellent when she was making fun of his sunglasses and perpetual dramatic entrances, has become stuck on Cute™️. It’s not, in my opinion, doing the character any favours, because it now seems that she swings between flirtation and terror with nothing in between.

Later that night (and boy am I glad that this day is almost over!), Chandni agonises over a decision:

Chandni: “Main kpi machar hoon kya, jo kisi ke bhi kamre mein chali jaoongi?”    [Am I a mosquito, that I’ll just go into anyone’s room?]

This hasn’t stopped her barging into his room on other occasions but it seems the issue is that he’s asked -- she’s much more comfortable sneaking in whenever she feels like it. Personal privacy, you see, only belongs to women.

Chandni: “How mean! Chow mein.”

WHO IS WRITING HER LINES? STAHHHHHP. 

6. Unique

Last night I felt I could forgive this episode most of its trespasses because of this scene. He’s finally playing his guitar.

Well, not playing it.

I think the idea was to insert random guitar notes and then they later decided to go with the ASR theme. But it’s overlaid on top: I don’t think it was intended to suggest that Advay was playing that tune. Firstly, I don’t even think the instruments match. The sound in this version of Arnav’s the ASR theme has always struck me as distinctly electrified. I feel it’s been produced by plucking the strings of an electric guitar, not an acoustic one like Advay has. Or perhaps the strings of a cello or similarly larger string instrument. It’s unlikely Advay would be able to produce that sound on the guitar in his hands, especially not with the piano notes underneath.

I feel the setup of the scene was a lot like the scene in Arnav’s bedroom after the guesthouse incident, where this instrumental played in full. It was an introspective, emotional scene, and I think that’s why the theme was used here.

But I could absolutely be wrong -- I guess we’ll have to see whether they do it again to know :)

Not related at all: If you have time, watch this amazing video of Rabba Ve being played on a piano.

Advay’s guitar says “Unique”, which is the English translation of his name.

I loved this scene. I loved the emotion, I really liked the music, and I loved that Advay was basically thinking of all he’d lost and Chandni arrived with:

Chandni: “Main aa gayi!”     [I���m here.] 

She’s the cure to the emptiness in his life.

7. Punishment

Ahh no. I respectfully disagree, Professor Raizada. Katto gilehri means sexy, and there’s generally nothing wholesome about it ... at least not in the way I’ve heard it used.

Advay: “Sharma rahi ho tum?”      [Are you shy?]

Yes. Yes, she is.

Advay makes Chandni hold her ears and squat, something that Dev used to make her do as well, and she mutters to herself, thoroughly unimpressed. The muttering reminds Advay of tiny!Chandni, and he moves on to the second part of the challenge -- write out a hundred lines.

Chandni: “Aap koi master-ji hai kya?”    [Are you some kind of teacher?] Advay: “As a matter of fact, yeah. Main ek professor hoon.”    [As a matter of fact, yeah. I’m a professor.]

LOL.

She eventually acquiesces to the punishment, giving him the evil eye while he happily (and messily) eats noodles. She’s so horrified when he picks up a noodle from his shirt and starts to pop it into his mouth, that she stops him.

Precap: Hahaha it looks like the three idiots were spying on Advay, and Chandni is caught when she falls over. She claims she’s practising for her wedding photos, so Advay decides to help out.

Theories:

I got nothing.

Will I continue watching?

Yup.

Next

[mukhtaleef]

IPKKND3: My Thoughts - Episode 4

Scene repeat!! Must be a call about chandni.

Yup I was right. God these women are obnoxious!

Jisne tujhe bachaya aur who was making sexual passes at you chandni!

Ishhh…kya thappad tha. It is my life long dream to slap a bastard!

Mushtanda…lol!!

He is standing right there people. Not even really hiding!

Ooh who are these two chirraiya?

Lol they are running away from makeup ki dukan as well. Glad I am not the only one annoyed by her.

Jiji!! So they chandni’s younger sisters!

God these clothes are eye sores!! Print on print is a good trend but seriously these prints are clashing horribly! Such pretty colours, so many options but alas!

Khushi’s chamkeele and Pom Pom clothes are looking divine in front of these monstrosities. Seems to me stylist has gone colour blind!!

Hume mat sikha sikha 😂

This shikha seems to rudra counterpart of this show!

Why is her sari draped like this!!

Awww poor girl! No one deserves to be treated like that.

Hahaha…yahi ki aap khud katta rakhengi.

Chandni seems like a really level headed person.

Da fuck did I just see!!! Shat pratishat vashishth!! God!! What is with gulneet and these stupid tag lines?! Dil boley oberoi kafi nahi tha michmichi dene ke liye? Abe ye naya tagline!! That too complete with equally stupid hand gestures 😒😒

NOOOOOOO…cooking bhi karti hai ye?? Oh my god!! These girls are oberoi brothers part 2!!

Ye kya paagalpan hai. I swear ye tarah se has has ke bartano ke sath khel sirf serial aur movies me ho sakta hai. Real life me to desi mummiyo ne maar maar ke tumba baja dena hai!!

Thank god it ended!!

Ooh…so this chutki maid is working for advay!!

I swear only in desi tellywood it becomes so difficult for a person to pick up a single phone call!!

Who checks out the back of a phone.

Ye aa gai makeup ki dukan!! Lol. Her version of aunty mat kaho na!!

Who is going to clean all that 7up? Rich kids I swear! And how in the hell they are not drenched in it?

Grooving to piya piya o piya!! Ngl it was one of my favourite dancing track back in the days.

Oops mommy is here.

Finally advay is back home!!

I do agree this whistle tone has a tinge of nostalgia to it. I almost started to recall my childhood!!

This set is quite pretty though!!

What I am always surprised in every tellywood shows is that they never change the interiors of a house. Like how can you live in exactly same looking place for years!!

Wow. Again only filmy mothers would smile at all that ruckus that kids created. Irl as Russell peters said, somebody is gonna get hurt tonight, is the sentiment of desi parents!!

Badki jiji seems pretty loving towards chandni. I hope this is real and she is not acting!!

Chutki maid is spying on badki jiji.

I quite like this whistle tune!!

Awww…young Miku is cute as well.

Awww my boy. Don’t cry!! *pats his floofy hair*

Wow. Telly version of yaado ki baarat.

This show is so cliched! I can’t even 😂😂

Doggy wala kutta 😂😂

Damn!! I am gonna say it again. Badki jiji is pretty good villain. Pretty smart, conniving and mature. Not loud or annoying like most of them out there, yes I am looking at you pinky singh oberoi!! Or comical for that matter!

Ooh so the vashishth family is not the only one behind whole drama!!

Saara sheher hil gaya tha!! Aisa Kya kaand kiya tha tum logo ne?? Batao batao. Mai kisi ko nahi bataungi!!

So advay doesn’t know who all were a part of it!

Really Advay!! Chandni was just a 7-8 year old kid! How could she be a part of it all willingly? Where is your rational mind? Her family though is a good guess.

So chandni’s father was chhota mahant! Why does senior vashishth look so out of it though? He looks like he doesn’t want to be there and badki jiji unka kaan pakad ke laai hai!!

And dev is still standing in the crowd!! So they were not after him at that time?!

Oh no!! He father was accused of theft and treachery!!

That’s the jeweller they were talking about.

And yes mother was accused of practicing black magic!

Aww this poor girl seemed to have been tricked into thinking that she saw mahantani flying!!

This whole plan is a brain child of badki jiji, no doubt. Looks like she wanted to acquire all the wealth, power and respect a mahant’s family seem to have. Well that’s my theory at least!

Wow!! What a medieval treatment!! What era is this shot in again? Am I watching a period drama?!

How can someone burn people alive is beyond me!!

Is he planning to kill them all?

Who keeps a spare new phone with them? I’ll tell you, Advay Singh Raizada!!

Jaise he hamare area me aayega!! Lol spoken like a true bitch! Apni galli me to kutta bhi sher hota hai 😂

He is taking a picture?! Very subtle advay!

Did they spot him? Or is it just a red herring?!

Precap:

He is still on about chandni Ka jhoot! At least check your facts first mate!!

Kya karke ghar me leke aaunga? I s2g sobti and his mumbling!!

Chhat pe Milne ke liye paise!! Is it another sexual pass? Please don’t be a cheapda advay. I request you. Take all the revenge you want but don’t be a 2 rupees cheapda!!!

What does she want to happen so badly that he is confident of her coming on rooftop to meet him?!

[miragablog]

Madoka Magica isn't a deconstruction

As a subject, Mahou Shoujo is, in my opinion one of the most misunderstood and yet widely adopted genres in anime.

Being a regular fan, you can know about its presence like that of Super Robot and Battle Shounen- and yet have no insight into its role as one of the eldest genres on the scene.

Many viewers simply don't find interest in watching a feminine, almost voyeuristic take on dramatized child adolescence, which is totally fine. (Doesn't make you any less of a fan of the genre either if you’re of the male persuasion and aren't there for those themes. All power to you!)

However, when it comes to analyzing such genre steeped shows, like that of Sailor Moon or Little Witch Academia- those without the wide understanding for which their structures are based can make unfair or miscalculated conclusions of what those stories communicate.

This is the exact quandary that Madoka Magica poses for such analysis and why I don't consider it a deconstruction of the Magical Girl genre.

Mahou Shoujo, or Magical Girl is a term assumedly coined by that of Mitsuteru Yokoyama and Fujio Akatsu-ka, creators of Mahoutsukai Sally and Himitsu no Akko-chan; firsts of the genre, bench marking its creation in the early 60’s.

(I say “assumedly” as I can't find anything divulging the cut and dry fact. Hit me up if you have the actual source with citation.)

The genre has many subsets, but for the sake of your time we’re going to focus on the most popular and prolific of the Magical Girl Sub-genres, Magical warrior. There are some key components that make a show “magical warrior”.

1.) Have the protagonist or other female characters gain/have the ability to transform into an alternate, enhanced version of themselves.

2.)The presence of a magical companion, whether that be a animal or object that accompanies the protagonist in her magical endeavors.

3.)Items that assist in either the transformation process or battle for the protagonist

4.)An adversarial force threatening the lives of the protagonist, their friends, society and or existence itself

Its is of note that while a transformation is a must for this sub genre, the other factors can be all present or sparsely.

In Cardcaptor Sakura for instance the main character, Sakura Kinomoto doesn't traditionally transform but rather changes her clothes. However she still uses a magical item, is accompanied by Kero and works towards a goal that threatens the lives of those around her or her way of life.

(Arguably Sakura's “transformation” is just that because she transforms her mindset when changing outfits to better suit her magical endeavors.)

Along with those structural linchpins, Magical Warrior-centric shows are known for their glamorous, long-winded transformation sequences, teenage leads, handsome love interests, revealing outfits and normalized use of cute, bright and feminine iconography.

On the subject of how Madoka supposedly “deconstructs” these shoujo conventions common to the genre, with its “dark” tone and DEATH and despair- it simply doesn't work because modifying elements of a genre and subverting audience expectations doesn't mean your critically taking apart the framework.

But you must be asking by now “well Mirage, if twisting elements of a genre isn't Deconstruction then what is?”

Jacques Derrida was an accomplished french philosopher of the early 20th century. You can see his fingerprints all over, influencing how we study subjects embroiled in the arts and social sciences. He found that the meaning many authors and scholars claimed to see in stories were inherently arbitrary or transient.

Generally speaking, Derrida’s theory of deconstruction, (or post structuralism) deals with the mental form of which meaning takes- form. Although we perceive meaning in a text such as, let's say Evangelion or Welcome to the NHK- such meaning isn't structurally sound. A lot of deconstructive analysis focuses on the words and language we use in describing- communicating those thoughts and how they are, in their own form- failures.

Tim Nance has a fantastic video on explaining in laymen’s terms what the act of deconstruction is, I highly suggest you pop over and listen to his video. For now I will simply relay that of his points on the process of which someone deconstructs a text.

Find meaning

Identify tensions

Identify the ways that those tensions seem to be unified by meaning

Deconstructing the tension

Then unity falls apart

Then the meaning doesn't mean anything anymore.

So a Hypothetical; Hameru is chasing Kyuubei down a corridor.

Cornering the demon rat creature, she pulls a gun from her shield.

Before Homura can muster the greatest of head tilts, Kyubey yells “Homura, no matter what you do magical girls and their wishes cannot exist without the creation of witches and their curses!”

However Hameru being the dimension-skipping cynic we all know and love doubts this, arguing that “you can't know the intent of which causality occurs, Incubator. You may think that being a magical girl ultimately means being a witch but you can't know that for sure because hope is not guaranteed to falter to despair.”

Kyubei asserts to Homura that its is impossible for witches and Magical Girls to not exist together through the Cycle of Entropy, forwarding their meaning in the knowledge perceived. Homura then identifies the tensions of such a statement, and their unity.

She understands that Kyubei believes the two to be omnipresent however questions if it's necessarily true, stating that hope doesn't necessarily need despair.

By deconstructing the tension, the structure of Kyubey’s statement falls apart and loses its meaning.

When I refer to Madoka as not being a deconstruction, its as a genre deconstruction. Instead of words, we cut down to a set of trappings and conventions that cement the subject and go about playing those elements as they would in the real world, then commenting on the genre as a whole.

While undoubtedly Madoka uses the ingredients of Mahou Shoujo, it doesn't necessarily comment on the way in which those trappings are when deconstructed. Rather it simply changes the shades of pink and white to purples and blacks.

It points out that the form the genre is known for is problematic and pushes the shape of events to a far darker place. But it doesn't take that point any further than that, focusing rather on its themes of selfishness vs selflessness.

In the case of deconstructing the genre what conversation does that start?

If it was as deconstructive as people claim, Madoka would’ve elaborated more on, lets say its themes of utilitarianism through Kyubei or Feminism regarding the witches as a whole.

Madoka has a female cast, a mascot character, transformation items and weapons, a cosmic big bad and trucks full of cute, fairytale imagery paired with its stark depictions of despair and death. It's not an outlier for its themes but rather the boundaries it's willing to push.

I think this issue is less of a problem with the show and more its fanbase. Madoka isn't deconstructive, its subversive, turning the expectations of common viewers upside down. (Again, note i’m saying subversive and not subversion.)

When ads started popping up on social media in 2011, not many people were expecting anything other than that of the “standard fair”. They were fairly innocuous, toting typical character slates and a new ClaRis song. Nobody seemed to care all that much outside of magical girl trash like myself. Then when fans of the genre saw the cool direction the show was heading as it aired, they shared it with others. Eventually a swath of anime fans Came to sing Madoka’s praises.

But as the internet is, when communities started coming together to dissect the show somebody threw the word deconstruction into the mix and now we’re here.

One thing people bring up in defense of the deconstruction argument is that Madoka features a collection of irrevocable character deaths, not recouped by the power of friendship. And while this is technically true I don't understand what makes this qualify as deconstructive. Many of the deaths in Madoka end up just as friendship fueled, and arguably less meaningful in context of the multiple universe dilemma.

For better or worse you get it; But still may be asking- what's the problem with Madoka being considered a deconstruction in the first place?

This is a rather daunting question because while it seems to be a non-issue, it affects not only the way we perceive deconstructions but that of the shows titled as such.

I want more people to get into Magical Girl-centric anime but those who label Madoka as superior to that of its predecessors stop potential fans from being created.

Believe it or not Mahou Shoujo is a much more flexible genre than it looks, capable of tackling difficult themes like that of abuse, love, identity and growing up.

Saying Madoka is contrary to the genre as a whole rather than being a darker take greatly limits what Magical girl as a concept is able to be. It harmfully obscures the shows that have celebrated and deconstructed the genre while simultaneously denouncing the messages they convey as “frivolous girly redundancy”. And that's the last thing Mahou Shoujo is.

[samanthaswords]

This is a 1.5-hour workshop on swordsmanship mechanics, using lightsabers or straight sticks with no crossguard.* I taught this for the Bangkok Brotherhood of Historical Fencing, a HEMA group based in Thailand. To jump straight to the class, go to 6:54. This is part 1 of 2 workshops, the second is coming soon!

For those wishing to take part remotely in the workshop, I've included the whole session, unedited (except for free sparring at the end). A full transcript is attached below.

*The choice to use lightsabers to teach medieval swordsmanship was due to weapon-carry restrictions for the fighters getting to and from the workshop using public transport in Bangkok, so we used lightsabers and incorporated that into the class content.

I do address lightsaber-specific mechanics, but the majority of what I teach in the class is useful for general swordsmanship.

Thanks for watching!

FULL TRANSCRIPT:

(Thai language) Sawat-dee ka

Samantha: Cool. We're going to warm up our lower backs.

Chanon: Is this from N7?

Samantha: Yeah!

Nick: She has the jacket as well.

Chanon: Go Shepard.

Samantha: Thank you. So, we're going to reach. Reach, and punch just to your lower left... and your right... this exercise is for your lower back. What I'm warming up is these muscles here. So don't worry so much about the punch, just think about loosening up. As you get more flexible you can turn more and more. Relax. Fingers. I want to start warming up my thumbs. Just rotate them. And turn to the next finger. Next finger... and then last finger... then back in the other direction... back in the other direction... thumb... and keep the momentum going, but now we're going to do this. Just slow, controlled motions, all you're doing is loosening up your arms, getting the control in your hands. Getting your mind in your hands. Now bring your arms just up to your elbow. Change direction. Now bring the movement smaller. Still rotating. Now bring it back to just your forearms. Just your wrists. This is a really good one to do first thing in the morning. Back down to your thumbs. Just your thumbs should be moving. Next finger. Next finger. Next finger. Back in the other direction. Next finger. Nice. Now, shake it out.

(general conversation)

Now, this is a balance exercise, it focuses on the balance and not so much on the weight -- . So, pick a spot on the opposite side of the room that is fixed- not a person that's moving. If you stare at it, you should find that your balance is better. Another thing that you can do to keep your spine fixed is to have your hands here, -- grips. Now imagine a line going from below your feet up through your head, drawing your spine up. You can change your knee at any time.

Relax guys.

Okay, down- feet parallel, facing forward. And this is just loosening up your hips, so we're going from side to side. If you don't feel a stretch, widen your stance. You should feel it through your ankles, your hips. Try and keep your upper body upright, don't bend your spine like this, try to keep- like you're riding a horse. So your lower body's moving, but your upper body's straight. Unclench those butt cheeks. Nice. And now, on the end of the movement, when you reach one side- turn, and come back. Other side- turn, and come back. Turn- and back. Turn, and come back. If you're not flexible by the end of this, then I can't help you. Feel the stretch? Good.

Alright, cool. Shake it out, guys. Let's pick up some sabers.

(murmuring and general discussion)

So. I'm going to treat this workshop as a way to learn swordsmanship. It's also light sabers, but it's also teaching the mechanics of swordsmanship. So everything that I'm going to present will be helpful for tomorrow as well. The first thing that I want to say is that when the lights are on, let's treat it like it's actually a sharp sword. So I'm not going to be doing that sort of thing. When it's off, I'm going to treat it like it's sheathed. So that's my protocol, and that's my way of practicing for using sharp weapons, by being mindful of when the blade's on. For you guys (with shinai) I don't mind. Sharp all the time, if you want. Cool. So. What I'll be teaching is nothing to do with forms. There are seven to eight forms of lightsaber, but what I'll be teaching can be used within those forms, it's all mechanics of the body. You can use it with any speed, you can use it with any power. But it's really fundamentals and basics that set you up for a good fight. Okay? Cool.

So, it will probably be covering a lot of things that you do already know already. But hopefully it will put it together in a way that makes your swordsmanship better.

The first thing: the goal of the fight.

(8 mins 12 seconds)

The goal of the fight is control of your opponent, and not being manipulated by them. So. All of us are basically very simple creatures, we're a big tube, hinged on a spine. And if you can manipulate that spine, you can manipulate the rest of the body. Especially the head. The head is on top of the spine, and you move someone's head, even if you just get their attention, you take their attention away, you're moving the whole of their body. And the same is true in swordsmanship, so if I was to approach Nick, and I was to make him think that I was going to attack him here, I've manipulated him because I've forced him to think about this side of his body. So immediately he's turned to protect that side of him. So in that very simple action- I haven't even touched him- I'm manipulated and controlled him. So the goal is, when you're fighting, to be able to maintain control of yourself and still defend against someone. And the way you do this is basically by offending and defending in the same motion, which you know from German swordsmanship. And what I mean by that is always creating an offence to your opponent. So, if Nick were to strike to me- instead of blocking upright like this- which really has no threat to Nick- I'm going to change my angle so that he now has something to think about. See the difference?

Slightly tilted?

Exactly. It's all in the angles. Something I like to do is I like to think of the tip of my sword – whatever sword I'm using, whatever weapon I'm using- I think about there being a magnet, to the middle, the core of the other person, so whenever I'm fighting them, the tip of my sword is always trailing, back towards them. See what I mean? Instead of – bringing it back here. There are sometimes when I do have to take my sword away, but I'll try and manage my distance, so that it's safe. So if I am going to bring my sword out of play, I've got the time to come back in. So I wouldn't do that if we were here, I wouldn't come out here- exactly. Thank you.

So, when you're working with a sword, or whatever – whatever weapon you're using that's going to be sharpened, I think it's different with stick (fighting) forms. But if it's a sharp weapon, just try to always think about a magnet into the core of your opponent. And I'll come back to this a bit later.

The other thing is managing your own structure. So- depending on how fast you're moving, if you're doing a lighter, faster style, then what I say can be taken with a grain of salt, but the way that I like to fight, I like to keep my body more upright, like I mentioned before, while we were warming up, like riding a horse. So the lower part of my body is moving, but the upper part of my body, my spine- is keeping straight. So even when I lean forward, see the angle of my spine, it's actually quite straight. And the difference between having it straight or having it loose-- – so that's having curvature in the spine. So you don't have to be upright-upright, you just have to have a straight spine. The reason for that is you get a lot of power from your spine. Your body- you might have great muscles, but without your skeleton, your muscles are just hanging... you know, from the rest of your body. So your muscles hold your skeleton together, but your skeleton is your structure. So if you've got a good strong form, a skeletal structural strength, you actually don't have to work too hard to defend against someone's power. So again if Nick, you come to me.... The way that I'm facing him right now, all of my structure here is in agreement with itself. If I was to change something about my – let's say, okay, I bend my spine- this is not good for me, because even though I could technically get away from him, I can't resist his power easily. If he was to push against me, I have to do something, to work really hard to defend him. But if I've got a nice, strong stucture, how do you feel about that?

Nick: Like I'm fighting ---

Samantha: So I've brought my whole body into play. And this is something you'll learn as you practice more with swords, is the points where your body is in agreement with itself. So I'll correct you guys throughout the class, but that's something I'll come back to, is using your structure. So there's a theory that I have, which I have to look into, but it's about the use of language in swordsmanship. It's the fact that in the old days, 'strength' didn't mean power, like the way we think of strength these days, strength actually meant like architectural strength. You know, like if a building is strong, it's built well. And I like to think about that in terms of swordsmanship. If your swordsmanship is strong, it means you have good structure, rather than power. Because your power will come afterwards. If you've got good structure then you can add the power to it. Does that make sense?

Cool. So, some real basic stuff. We're going to think about cutting, but if we're close to an opponant, not to bring the sword back past my hips. So, let's all face this way, along the line. In close range, what I don't want to do is have my sword out of play. If I'm further away from someone it's okay to take my sword back, because I've got the time then to bring it back into play. So we're going to alternate- just have some practice cutting, and then we're going to change it so that when we bring the sword down, it's going to come back without leaving the line of my body. So just start normally where we're just doing figure eights. Have fun with this, guys. I'm not judging you on your cutting. We're just moving swords around.

Really reach out when you're reaching forward with your sword.

Swords up guys, for a sec.

So, the thing about a sword is it's going to reach swomeon when it's at the same level as your arm. The moment that it drops down- you see how my range is decreased? Yeah. But, unfortunately I can't strike someone like this because it's bad for my elbow. I mean, I could strike someone like that, but if they are ready for it, I'm going to hurt myself. So, you've got to compromise your maximum reach for control. So it's a little bit of a --

So when you reach forward with your sword, think about where your maximum reach is, and think about how your arm is when you reach that point. Same exercise again, but just think about extending out from the body.

Chanon: The same as my shoulder height?

Samantha: Yes.

Nick: This thing is clearly not meant to be used by one hand.

Samantha: One hand, yeah. That's a hefty lightsaber.

If you want to, Brai, you can alternate. So you can cut, come back up to the centre, then take it with your other hand. Yes.

Cool, that's looking good guys.

Swords up. Nice. Any questions? No? Okay. So this time think about now being in range with somebody where after you cut you don't really want to take it away too much. So we start slower with this exercise. What you're going to be doing is bringing your sword down, and then bringing it up to the horn, basically, the buffalo, uh- not the buffalo, I should know this- bicorno- OX! Yeah, okay. Different system. So down, and then up, and then thrust into somebody, flip it over, cut through, and then back up to the other side. Thrust, flip, cut down, up, thrust, flip, and all the way through, up.

So what this looks like is if Nick was going to be attacking me, so do exactly the same thing, yeah, so now, uh- actually, I'll do it to you, Nick. So I've come, I've cut to him here, he's blocked me, I've come back up, and he knows that I'm thrusting, so he's going to defend. Yep, and then I flip it down the other way. So you're leading someone to defend to the side of their head by thrusting there, and then flip it over.

Chanon: Just like leading him somewhere?

Samantha: Yes, so if it was coming towards me, the thrust would coming here, and then flip to the other side. Make sense? Okay. Cut down, flip it up, thrust, flip, down, up, thrust, flip, down, up, thrust, flip....

(General conversation)

Cool, that's looking lovely, guys.

Chanon: Question. After the thrust, and then you cut, you reach? Or  pull your hands back?

Samantha: Yes. On my end, as you thrust towards me, I'm going to do something, to try... Actually thrust towards me, so thrust to the hand- yep, good! But I don't want that, so I'm going to do something here, and that's when you come over and attack.

Chanon: I mean, like, you have to pull back slightly, or...?

Samantha: So, thrust, I should be in range already. And as you defend that-

So I should still be able to. And I can rock away, if I need to. Cool. Good question.

So here's something that you can definitely introduce if you're not doing it already. It's rotate- rotation, reversing your hip direction. It allows you to evade, and it allows you to increase your power when you strike. It's known as 'reverso' in Italian. Basically, it's any position that you would  strike from, but just you change where your hips are going, but keep your face back towards your opponant.  

I always wondered what it was.

Samantha: Mm! It has a couple of advantages. If you're setting up for a shot, and I wanted- so this is Posta de donna, not so good with lightsaber, because I'm cutting... but I can alter it a little. So if I was going to turn around, and bring this back, I'm actually putting my whole spine into this defense, which is also a very nice cut.

Chanon: So, really commit?

Samantha: Yes. I should be able to destroy you with this motion. Unless you do something smart. Yeah. Well. ---

So the main point is that this is an evasion. If you're going to come and cut to my leg- actually try and reach me, though... Yeah, good. Again. Except-- in reverse. The advantage of the reverse is you're setting your body up for unleashing, =--turn around. If I just do this, I don't really have much potential power to cut, it would be a very weak cut.

So practice that a little bit, the reverse position. Basically you keep your feet in more or less the same place, but you rotate as you turn. It's easier for a person with a lower centre of gravity to do this. Just think about your body hanging down.

Oh my goodness they're so LOUD!

Nick: Let's do some kiyai.

Okay, you want to do some- yeah, sure.

Kiyai!

Huh!

Kiyai!

Huh!

Kiyai!

I want to see some good cuts with this, guys, too.

Kiyai!

Huh!

We're coming for you! Have a lovely dinner.

Cool. So the reverse position-

(Multiple lightsaber sound effects. Laughter.)

Cool. Reverse position. Fantastic to use. If you want to do a minimal amount of work in a fight, it means you can keep- you can mainatain your line, you don't have to move your feet, if you're confident that the other person isn't going to take a step. You can use this in German longsword, absolutely. One hundred percent. Just be sure you are good with your distance, otherwise you're going to hurt yourself with potential leg strikes. Something I'd suggest for you guys drilling is to actually set up two people in range, to be striking to each other, and then change the range, so you have to adjust. That's something you guys can take away from the class. Cool. The other advantage of this- if I could borrow you Nick, over here, and I'm going to keep working with you too... So, 'Oh no, I hae two people!' If you could come over here-- great. Watch my feet.

One. Two. One. Two.

I don't have to do any work. All I've done is move my (ship?)– around,  through the reverse position. So if you guys want to pair up with each other- we'll make it two sets of threes. So, if you go with these guys... Two sets of threes guys. I said pair up, didn't I. We're going to set up-

(general conversation)

We're going to do what we-

Fast forward through this section. Pay no attention. Okay, you're working with us, you're working with them- go away!

Okay, you are going to be facing both of us. So pick one person who does that, and then reverse it. Yep. Nice. Yes, good. Nice. Nice. Okay. Stop!

So people who are defending, make sure when you defend that you're not doing a useless parry. You want to keep your angle down so that you've got- yep.

Okay, and switch guys. It doesn't matter which way, it works both ways.

Ah, you guys- this works better if you're on more of an angle, like, four o'clock. So, you're on the middle of the clock. You're at four o'clock, or eight o'clock. Nice. Oo, slippery!

Try to keep your body- so, your body's more like that, and when you reverse, --. See?

Okay, stop. Nice. Good stuff. Nothing to say. So this time, when you parry, be creative. I want you to alternate which side you're defending on. Don't just stand there. Be active, in the drill. One thing that often happens is that people who're doing drills become really passive, because they know what's going to happen. And unfortunately that doesn't really help anyone, because if you start to just relax into the drill, you're teaching the other person to deal with someone that's passive. You want to actually be engaged in the drill. I'm not saying, you know, I'm not saying be a dick or something, I'm saying, be mindfully engaged. So for example, if you are striking at me, I'm still going to do something, I'm still going to put my body into it. I'm not just going to be like, do-do-do-do-doo.... You know? Like, actually still engage. Because what it does is it teaches you to defend. If you're on the defensive side of the drill, you want to practice being a good defendor. Okay? So, same again but active defense.

Yeah! That's a good idea.

So Nick's actually come up with a good idea guys. After the middle person has turned away, Nick's actually cutting out a strike. This is something you coudl do in a choreography, and it looks really good. Let's check out what Nick is doing.

I'm out of range right now, I have to actually work to get to you.

Sorry, I need to watch these guys.

Alright, switch out guys. Someone from this group come into this group. And you as well.

(general discussion)

Halt. Halt guys. So, switch it up what you're doing with your attack as well. So something that Brai is doing is he's alternating how he's attacking when he comes back to the outside. So the person in the middle doesn't have to do the same attack all the time, just alternate. And it makes sure we're paying attention on the end.

Yes! Haha

(general conversation)

I have to watch them.

Looking nice guys. Alright, wrap it up. Good stuff. We're going to take two minutes of water, okay?

(General discussion)

Alright, you guys ready? Yeah? Sweet. Cool.

So, what I'm going to be explaining is about when you're binding someone. A good way to bind versus a bad way to bind. You know what I mean by a bind? Yes? Okay. So when I'm defending against someone's attack, what I don't want to do is to have my blade flat, especially with a light saber. With a weapon that has a large crossguard I could possibly get away with this, perhaps maybe with a basket hilt, but generally this is a very weak defense for me, because I actually have very little ability to stop someone from sliding forward. What I always want to do is to keep some kind of an angle with my sword. I want my hands to be high, my tip to be low, or vice versa. I want my tip to be high and my hands to be low. Never flat, like this. It's very-very bad, for you, and very good for your opponant. Now, I'm not familiar with every single sword style, so I can't comment on other systems, but in my experience this is the best thing to do. So, as long as there is some kind of angle for your bind, you should be able to defend against someone.

So if you guys could pair up, facing each other along this stretch... yep. So all we're going to do is test this, guys.

We're going to be testing whether or not having an angle is going to help you or not. So if I'm coming here, to have my blade flat, you should be able to take advantage of that. And if we switch, to be lower, yeh- that's good. Nice. Now I'll do that to you. Yeah, it's pretty gross ay?

You just mechanically have much more of an advantage when you're – in your body. If you're extended, that should be the end of the motion.

Hello! Welcome. Good to see you. If you can put your stuff over there, uh- Champ. Over that side. Okay, swords up guys.

Nick: Say we're in a bind like this, what am I going to do next? Try and thrust him?

Samantha: Okay, so the question is what happens after you're in the bind, and this is a whole section.

So you're jumping ahead because you're already on to it. That's okay. So, the answer is, you're going to be taking advantage of the other person at a time that's advantageous to you. So you want to wait until it's safe to move forward.

Uh- you can use that, Champ.

So we're talking about the bind right now, and I was explaining how you always want to keep- you always want to keep your light saber not falling apart. Oh dear.

So, you always want to have either your hands low and your tip high, or your tip low and your hands high, never flat like this. This is very bad, because if I were to cut into you, you've got very little ability to defend. You always want to have some kind of structural advantage. Yeah.

Next question, which leads into the next section, is; what do you do from the bind? The bind is the key to the sword fight. And this is in all forms of longer weapons. If you're bound with somebody else, and it could be a spear as well, it could be anything that's longer than a short kind of machete weapon- if you've bound with somebody, you want to be able to control and clear them out the way before you move in. To do that you'll need to have purchase on your opponant, you know what I mean by purchase? Like, a grip. If I could borrow you, Nick.

So right now, we're using two very slippery weapons. This is not very nice for either of us. But if they were stuck together, then we can feel each other, and we can use the tension from the other person's body against them. So something that's been recorded in historical swordsmanship is the 'pulsativa', the pulse, which I interpret for it to mean, when you're bound, putting a pulse through your opponant. And it's something that has to be felt. You're waiting for the right moment to pulse into somebody. Does that make sense?

It's a little strategy you can use, when you're bound. I'm no expert on it...

(Phone ringing)

I'm not an expert on all the uses of the pulse, but this is just something I can share with you today about what to do with lightsabers. So first of all, you need to be structurally strong for this to work. If you're not structurally strong it's not going to be very good for you because you need to be ready to take advantage of the other person. So for example, if I'm like, leaning out like this... okay, this is not terrible, but I'm also not positioned to do much because I'm so bent... -- So I want to come up, have a good stable foundation. Once I've taken something from him, like this line here...

(Nick makes choking noice)

Samantha: Good.

If, for example, he's really strong and I decide, okay, I'll slip around him, I'm going to make use of his strength by being weak... so he's decided to come back on the strong, I go, 'okay, sure- you win Nick.' Always keeping my tip- that's okay, I stepped into it- so my tip is always being pulled to him.

So pair up guys, and just bind with your swords. You guys want to work together? You guys want to work together? Do you have a longer weapon? Because this will work better for you.... Okay. I mean, that's not a bad tool, but for this exercise you'll feel more what I'm talking about.

So, if he does that, imitate him. Yeah, exactly. Because that will defeat that.

Something you can do, Champ, is you can rock back and forth, to give yourself more distance. Remember to use your hips. You're leaning right back, like this. You want to... yeah.

Be careful Champ. You don't want to come that close, use your arms. You're coming in like this, which puts you in range, so just --. Alright, switch up partners guys. Everyone move just one to your left. Or just choose somebody, I don't care. It's not speed dating.

(whistles tune of Jeopardy)

So if he does that, Nick- if Kevin does that, yeah. There you go.

Hi. I'm Sam. Nice to meet you.

Samantha: Hi Eve.

Just bring your stuff over here.

So, you're changing the blade at the moment, and that's totally fine. But for this exercise just practice keeping the contact though. Okay. And try to feel each other's strengths and weaknesses so what you want to be doing is controlling each other... moving around, rather than changing the blade. So it's still in contact.

Chanon: Not disengage?

Samantha: Not for this exercise.

Do you have a blade?

(general conversation)

Ah right. Yeah, it needs to be straight. Sorry! Very nice. Okay, swords up guys. Hi, your name is eve? Eve, cool. So what we've covered off today so far is body posture- and I'm just doing this as a recap for everyone- we talked about body posture, you want to have your spine upright, you don't want to bend your back when you're moving. You also want to be able to move your hips, when you are fighting.

When you are bound with somebody, you want your hands low and your tip high, and vice versa- you want your hands high and your tip low. Yeah? And always keep like a magnet going towards your opponant. So, if he is my enemy, my tip- see how my tip is going towards him at all times? No matter where my sword is- even if my sword comes back, I want to think about it thrusting towards him. Or even if it's a cut, I'm thinking about casting the tip first. So there's a magnet pulling the tip of my sword, yeah?

Cool. Alright, we're going to take 2 minutes for water and just to freshen up, okay? Sweet.

(general conversation)

(lightsaber sound effects)

Nick: We're going to have some light sparring after the class

Samantha: Yeah. We're going to wrap thirty minutes before we have to go.

Nick: Okay. Can I turn off the light?

Samantha: Ah- afterwards. Not now.

Nick: Okay. After?

Samantha: After the class. Thank you.

Nick: No probs.

Samantha: Okay, you guys ready to go? You guys good to go? Okay!

So, my fancy gloves are not just fancy fashion statements, they are actually so that I can show you guys something about the way your arm works. I'll put this down so you can see. So inside our arms we have two bones, one on top of the other, and I love to refer to this as the 'blade' of your arm.  So right now, underneath, the blade is – the top edge is here and the bodttom edge is there, and that's the flat. You guys know what I'm talking about, right? So if I'm going to strike someone with my arm, I'm going to strike them with the blade, rather than the flat. You know, that's a very weak kind of --. The moment you put a sword in your hand, or a stick in your hand, or anything in your hand, you're extending the blade of your arm. So even though the stick is round, it doesn't appear to have a blade, I don't have a strong edge or a weak edge, I still do, because the arm has it. So the strong edge of my arm extends up into the tool. So that's why when you're using a circular tool like a lightsaber or a stick, you still have a good way and a bad way to strike with it. Now this is more clearly seen with swords that are flat, if I could borrow someone, Champ? You've got a flat-bladed tool right there. So right now when we're bound, he's got his strong on my strong, and the way you can see is because of where my thumb is, and where my knuckles are. If I was to turn my hand around, like this- actually no, I'm going to swap hands, so you can see that- you can see where my flat edge is and where my strong edge is, right? Because of the bones in my body. And you can feel the difference, right? I'm turning my hand, yeah. And that's bad for me, because look- my arm's gone flat. So I want to keep the bone so I'm in the same line that comes down from the sword. This is really useful for binding, and also for making powerful cuts against your opponant. Because if I was to come in with a weak attack, like a wide attack, yeh- very bad for me. Oh no, I'm dead. Haha

I'm not dead because he's very nice and – we're filming. So even when working with something like a lightsaber you want to thinkabout where the arm-blade is. Okay? Cool. Good stuff.

So if you guys could pair up again, We're going to just be practicing distance this time, guys. I don't want everyone hitting each other, I just want you to get comfortable with working with a person- striking, moving back and forward, Let's not go psycho just because we don't have much room.

Your blade is fine for this.

So who's working with me? Someone come work with me.

So we're just going to go slowly guys. The point of this – uh, two hands, sorry, I was just talking- the point of this is just to get comfortable with range and distance, okay? Don't try and be a dick to each other, okay? And we're just going to be moving forward and back. Okay, good. Okay, let's say... I'm going to change it a little bit. From this bind, if he's got an advantage, I want you to push the advantage and take a step, and I'm going to step back. So step towards me if you've got the advantage, good. Okay, and we're going to reset, I'm going to do something. Okay? Reset. Yep. Do you get the idea?

So we're going to regain control of the centre here. Remember to use your hips, if you want. Remember not to do this kind of thing. Great in boxing, fantastic, but not for swordsmanship. Because you want to keep your spine engaged. When I do this, look at my spine- I have very little strength to be put into the power of my sword. Okay?

And you can change as well, you can do this.

Keep this-. Flat is bad. You always want to keep it at an angle. Because, see- I can get past as easily.

Use your feet, Brai, use your feet!

Don't let me crunch your body. Yes, better.

So when you do that, at the moment you're doing this? Do this. Always keep the angle. Because, I mean, the flat is --, you still have a nice defense up here, but but if you were to copy me, yeah. And now thrust to me, yeah. It's hard for me if I don't have an angle, to defend. And this is a strong position. I've got so much strength, I barely have to move. But if I have it like this- do it again, push me- yeah. I've very little ability.

Okay guys, stop. Nice. Cool.. Something you can do when you're in those binding positions is you can think about turning your hips to gain power. So if I want to put more power into my block, or my bind, turning my hip- do you see what happens to my body? As soon as I turn away, my power is going that way now. Unless I'm back like this, and I'm ready to turn in. See? But if I'm just halfway in between, do you see? My hips are facing out here. All of the power is going forward.

Something, a little trick to remember, is your feet direction. So, with a sword, if my foot is pointed towards him, it's very easy for my mind to go there. If my foot is going that way, it's harder for me to hit him. So if you point your foot towards your opponant, you have a better ability to hit them without having to try hard. Yeah. And the same with your back foot. Your back foot is going to be- hello!

Foon: Hi.

Samantha: The direction of your back foot is going to be-

Nick: Sawat dee Khap.

Samantha: If you guys could possibly put your stuff at the back, please? Thank you very much. Just 'cos the camera's set up over there.

Foon: Oh, right- sorry.

Samantha: That's okay. So, foot direction! Where your foot points is where your body's going to go. So I can go this way and I can go that way. Right now it's very hard for me to go this way. I'd have to actually turn to go there. So if I want to go over there, I'm set up really nicely.

Nick: (laughter)

Samantha: I like this, I'm going to borrow this. Let's do what they're doing, it looks like fun.

We're keeping in range, and just small steps. Change as well, change hands if you want.

Very nice guys, very nice. Now change it so you're bound with the blade of your hands (arms). If you're doing this right guys, you shouldn't have to have your eyes open.

Ha ha! Very nice.

I have to watch everybody.

(general conversation)

Do you have a stick?

Foon: Yeah.

Nick: He has.

Samantha: Okay guys, because we've had a few additions since we did the exercise, we're going to go back and do the exercise where we're cutting, and then bring it up, thrust, flip, down, up, thrust. For those who came in late, the point is to always keep an offense on your opponant. It's lovely to cut back here, as long as you're out of range. Because if you're still in range, and I go back here.... what can you do to me?

Foon: Everything.

Samantha: Where's the attack? Where's my attack? I have no attack to you. So if this goes back here, Hit me. Yes! Good. Okay.

If my sword is forward from my hips at all times, when I'm in range, I've got the ability to bring it into play very fast. So this little drill's going to be practicing keeping your sword forward. Okay? So- I'm going to go in this direction... I'm cutting forward, cutting back to my hips and up, I thrust. And then I flip to the other side, cut down, up, thrust, flip to the other side, cut down, up, thrust, flip to the other side, down, and you get the idea.

And then you can flow, once you get...

Champ: Do I need to do like a movement, a step?

Samantha: You can do what you want. It's really just practicing keeping the blade forward. If you want to step you can, but I don't think you need to. I mean, if you want- sure.

So what this does is it causes a threat to one side of my head. Nick, if I could borrow you again? If you could do that to me slowly, so they can watch? Okay? So, attack. Yeah. I defend, just cut down, keep going with the flow, come back up, yep- and thrust, yep- you're thrusting, I'm going to defend to this direction, which leaves this side of my head open, which is why you flip over the top- yes. And there we go. So just go from the thrust again, Nick, if you could. Yep. Flip. Down. Yep, and from the other side, just from the thrust. Yep.

So the point is that you threaten one side of the face and then flip over and attack the other, okay? Good.

So once again.

Oops.

Just start really slowly guys, until you get comfortable with the precision of it. Sweet.

Do you have enough space there guys? Okay.

Lovely. Cool. Okay, swords up.

(some groaning)

How are your arms? Pretty warm? (laughs)

Cool.

So here's a little bugbear of mine. Do you know what a bugbear is? A bugbear is like a gripe, or something I'm annoyed by. It's in Star Wars, all the time you see people who do big spins, where they expose the back. So I'm going to say spinning is fantastic, but I'm going to add something to this, if you want to spin... so my enemy's over there, if I want to spin, I'm going to protect my back. I'm facing him... oh, you killed my father, okay, run-

(general laughter)

You see? Just always keep the sword in front, between you and your opponant. Because this is your shield! Your sword is your shield.

Yesss!

And think about there just being a magnet between you and the other person. Yes! Perfect. Yes. Lovely. And if you're having trouble with it coming out, just think about protecting your spine, okay? Yeah, that's it. If you do this again- just stop for a sec, guys.

If I could bring you out- yes. So face me, this way. So if he does the spin, and when he turns, I swing, the point is that the sword should stop me from connecting with his spine. Yeah? So again, bam. Yeah. Okay. That was just timing, you did it fine. It was just the timing was wrong, okay? Bam.

Okay, so just always keep something protecting the back of you. And then you can do all the fancy spins you want.

Do you need a tool? Okay? You got one?  

Okay, --- work with someone you haven't worked with. Find a new partner.

(general conversation)

You killed my father...

Okay, this time we're going to work in the bind, we're going to practice the pulse. You remember the pulse? If you weren't here for the pulse, it's where the two blades are joined together- Brai, if I could borrow you?

And when one person feels the other guys is weak, he pushes, he pulses, okay? And it's very little work for your body, it's like a whip. What I don't want to do is make his sword go really far away, because once his sword is away from me I can't feel him any more, and he could do anything. Yeah? So it's just a little, tiny pulse. I'll do it with each of you so you can feel what I'm doing. The power's coming from my diaphram.

That's what it feels like. Notice how none of my body's moving except for my diaphram. Very very subtle.

Something else I'm doing, guys, I didn't realise I'm doing- sorry- is I'm also giving my sword a little bit of a push.So I'm (exhale) when I breathe out, my second hand is causing a lever. You can pull as well, if it's the other way.

I'm showing you what it feels like. Like that. So try and see if you can do that to me. Very good! Now do that to him.

(general conversation)

You're very stiff, you're very (makes constricted sound). Just breathe and relax- let your legs relax, for this drill. Yes.

Very nice guys.

(light saber sound)

Okay guys. We're going to start to wrap up, so we have some time to do some playing, unless you want more of this. Up to you.

Nick: .... going to be more, today and tomorrow?

Samantha: Yeah, they are similar, but different. Same same but different. Okay, we have the choice now- I can keep going for another twenty, or I can keep going for another ten. Up to you. Twenty? We've got a vote for twenty... Ten? A vote for ten...

Nick: We can hit each other....

Chanon: Raise your hand...

Samantha: Alright, twenties! One, two, three.

Nick: Ahhh! (speaks in thai)

--: Democracy.

Samantha: Ten!

Nick: It is fine.

Samantha: What about fifteen?

Everyone: Okay.

Samantha:

(loud laughter)

In the spirit of bartering. Fifteen. One-five. Sip- ha. Okay. Sweet. Great! Fantastic.

Alright! So, what we've covered is going back to the basics, the mechanics of the body. I want to be using my hips for my power, casting my power towards the person, I want my feet to be controlling my direction. If I want to hit someone I want my front foot to be in line with where I'm going to hit. And I want both parts of my body to work together. If I'm using a single hander then obviously I'm not going to be using both my hands, but I want my body to be balanced, but if I strike with two hands, both hands hould be working together. Something I didn't cover earlier is when you're holding your sword with two hands, you want the direction of both of your hands to be in agreement. Yes, exactly. So, if you've done any cutting or anything like that, you need it to be on the same line to get an even balance to the cut. I'm exaggerating right now, with the direction of my fingers, so you can see what I'm doing, but when I close my hands, my knuckles, here, and here, are going in the same direction. And this will help you with the bind as well, because if my hands are crooked, I'm not going to have as much strength.

When I say 'strength', I mean structure. I'm not going to have as much structure to my body to defend against a bind. So if my hands are weak, like this, push- yeah. There we go. It's really bad for me. If I adjust my hands, right now- how's that for you? Yeah. So if you guys could pair up again, and practice having your hands in alignment with each other in the bind.

(general conversation)

Yeah, so slip your hands around just to this – yeah.

So what I want you to do this time Champ, from here, is just rotate your hands. Your grip. To feel the difference between when it's strong, and compare it.

So right now if we're like this, this is weak for me, and now I'm going to rotate my fingers, -- try that.

So it's the difference betweenhaving it like this, and that. Like this. Not like that. Yeah. Exactly.

Foon: Sam. How do we usually stand? Back foot lead?

Samantha: Up to you. I usually have my foot back because of having my power-- (indistinct) You can generate power as well from here, it's just about what (indistinct). You don't want to be cutting straight down though--

Guys. A good question- what's your name again?

Foon: Foon.

Samantha: Foon.-Foon just said that which foot goes forward? Now this is personal preference for me is to have my left foot forward. Now the reason for that is because I start out of range. So if Brai is there and I'm out here, now he's in range so I'm moving back. Now I'm definitely in range. So right now what I've got is potential to hit him, with my hip. If I'm standing like this, I don't feel as comfortable with this, because most of my power's coming from my right side, even though my body is working together, I don't have as much potential to do a big strike, do you see what I mean? So it's really personal preference. The other thing is if you're going to cut right through, you'll cut your leg. So if you're going to cut through just take a step, a passing step. So. Personal preference for me, left foot forward so I can put the power of my hip rotation into the cut. The other thing is when you cut- I don't know if you guys are familiar with 'cut before step'? Yeah? A few of you are?

Foon: Not for me.

Samantha: Ah, okay. So in... sorry, words are failing me... western swordsmanship, the principle of 'the hand moving before the foot' is a thing. You want your foot to be (held) in reserve. The two land and everything's together but you don't do this.

Foon: Of course.

Samantha: Yep. Even though that's an exaggeration, it's surprising how many people do do that until they learn that you have to move the top part of your body seperate to your bottom, because the lower part of your body needs to be free to change halfway through. If I come in for a strike, and he jabs- oh, gosh... if I've already committed my leg, I don't have any reserve to get out of the way. So I need to practice moving my top half and then moving my bottom half. A drill you can do is, 'there' and then change your mind at the last minute as you cut. Yeah. Just really exaggerate the difference between the top and the bottom half.

It's really just moving that before your feet. But you need to be able to still bring your foot into play (indistinct)... it's like it's hovering.

Foon: So basically it's just about the timing between the upper body and the lower.

Samantha: Very nice, guys.

You can't, or you can? Oh yeah. I understand.

-- but not with a lightsaber. (laughs)

Nick: Oops! Sorry.

Samantha: Something to do, when you defend low, is to move this side to that side. Yeah. So the tip of your sword. Yep. Again. Change. You've got to come out a little bit. Yes. Yeah, that way- that's better. That's ten times better. Very nice. Very nice. Good stuff! You can work with him now.

How are you guys doing here?

(indistinct discussion)

Alight guys. Alright! Well, that will totally do.

We're now in freetime, for the next forty minutes. But I'll ask that we'll wrap at five to nine. So anything you want to do for now, photos, choreography, ask me questions, whatever- it's up to you. This is your playtime.

END TRANSCRIPT

[the3211shift]

Testimonial Speech

Dr. Beltran, Dr. Panopio. Dr. Gonzales, the rest of the faculty and staff, guests, doctors, Good evening!

For years, I have listened to senior testimonials and I have noticed a pattern. They usually prescribe tips on how to survive medical school and explain how they used these. Tonight, I decided to break that.

I’ve been trying to think of something clever and creative but, unfortunately, every time I try, I end up with a blank sheet of paper. Then, I realized that I cannot romanticize true strength. The experience of rising above adversities is never pretty. After all, Cinderella had all her clothes torn before she was glammed up in a ball gown.

And though I tried making a list of what to do, I know that at the end of the day, it really depends on grit and for me, theoretical guides don’t really work and do not fit everyone in this hall.

Let me get straight into it and start with 2 words: Depression and Anxiety.

As a Psych Major, I can tell you all the definitions, criteria, concepts, theories and examples that I have read in books.

But, personally, I can define those two words with my life.

I had this conversation with a friend years ago. He complained about the so-called millennial mentality of being entitled - of taking depression and anxiety too seriously. He complained that bullying should just be shrugged off. After all, these are just friendly jokes. You could imagine my reaction at that time. With a passive-aggressive tone, I explained that bullying, anxiety, and depression are not how he thought they were.

I understand that to a typical human being, these concepts are difficult to grasp, to explain and to describe. But tonight, I will try.

Remember I said initially that every time I try to write this speech, I stare at a blank sheet. I lied. I probably made more than 20 drafts writing this. Each one thrown in the trash bin or deleted. Because I realized that after all these years, I will always try to defend myself. As I stand here before all of you, I am still putting myself on trial.

What happened?

Early 2000s. It was when the hype for meteor garden and high school musical was at its peak. Mean girls was everyone’s inside joke. We all knew that Amanda Seyfried can put her entire fist in her mouth. Cliques were in. And like every teenager at that time, I was part of one. Though I had my constant peers, I still considered myself a floater -  not boxing myself with a certain group. My interests were wide so I made friends in different school clubs, sections, and even batches. I would stay up late and hang out with friends – a very typical high school experience right?

So how does one change from being very sociable to one living with fear?

One day when I came to school, I found out that my friends were creating stories and spreading rumors about me. They stripped all the confidence and self-esteem that I had. They retold embarrassing stories. Made jokes of me in class. They turned all my reports, projects and successes a laughing matter. They made sure that all intrigues and problems that happened in school were all pointed towards me without me being part of those at all. And that’s how it all started.

So that every day became a struggle to go to school. So that I had to go to different classes because I would have anxiety attacks upon seeing my classroom. That every night, I was the plaintiff and the world was the judge in a trial of a crime I do not even know. School became a battleground where I was the only target and names, curses and spite were their bullets. And despite taking all these with a smile, they still took their knives and struck me with “maypag mamatay ka.”

They said, “sticks and stones may break my bones but words would never hurt me.” So these shouldn’t hurt, right?

Well, they don’t hurt. They strip you from who you are. Every day, I would wake up worrying. No. panicking about how my day would go. I have learned to swallow my words, contain my thoughts, close my eyes to everything because these may be used against me. I have learned to sit through unsettling and uncomfortable conversations because maybe if I left, they would talk. Maybe I become a conversation built on assumptions and rumors who are easily taken as facts by people who do not understand. I have forgotten how to say no and I have learned to apologize more. Every time. I’m sorry I did not finish on time. Sorry I cannot do it. I am not capable of doing it. Sorry I did not bring my car. Sorry I’m always saying sorry. Sorry I am not enough. Never enough. Words have distorted who I am- was, will ever be. A slave to my fears, of their unreachable approval. Your approval.

As part of my therapy, I asked them a few years back what the reason was, they simply laughed and said, “We were young. We did not know better.” I wish I could supply them with reasons to keep myself sane. That maybe there is something that I could have corrected. I could have apologized for it. But there wasn’t.  And the funny thing is that they, my bullies, are still my friends. And this constant cycle of seeking their approval had never ceased from the high school me to the present me.

And I’m sure I’m not the only one who felt this way We’ve all learned to live in fear. To look down on ourselves. And maybe you are all there looking at me waiting for me to tell you the 3 best ways to avoid or rise above this. And I can honestly tell you, I don’t know too.

Exactly 3 years and 6 days ago, I mustered all my strength and decided to pop 60 pills to cure the cancer growing inside me. I listened to every name they called me, reread every letter and remembered every emotion these made me feel. But it was all for naught, emotions were things I could not recognize anymore. I no longer felt fear, anger, pity. That was when I realized that the most dangerous thing next to living in anxiety was apathy. My mind became automatic and started counting. 1. 2. 3.. 4… and with every pill I took, I said a prayer.

Whether It was luck or the lack of it, I am still here. Not braver, stronger or even weaker. But I am here. A witness. A testimony of what is real. That these things happen.

And maybe that’s what true strength is. To realize that we are not strong. To admit that we are vulnerable.

An author, David Foster Wallace, shared with a group of college graduates and told a story of two fishes swimming when they were stopped by a bigger fish asking, what is water. He later explained in his speech that most of us live not knowing what water is. Water is the reality around us. That we are not the main actors in this world. The person beside you has his or her own life. Her own problems and successes. None of it - greater or lesser than your own.

So, To the freshman who never had a passing grade The freshman who always stutters in every sgd To the second year who became dyslexic with generic names, genus, and species To the third year who is confused with the many ways to give birth To the third year who never had a shot in putting the IV cannula To the clerk who was yelled at for missing a progress note To the clerk who was humiliated for not knowing the correct dose To those whose ID numbers are on the last page To those who repeated 1, 2 3 years of med school To those who need pills to keep themselves sane

I want to tell you that it’s ok I want to tell you that whatever you are going through is real And I know that you don’t want attention, sympathy or pity You just want people to know and understand why you are who you are.

And to quote one of my favorite poems:

I want to tell you that if you can’t see anything beautiful about yourself Get a better mirror Look a little closer Stare a little longer Because there’s something inside you That made you keep trying

Despite everyone who told you to quit You built a cast around your broken heart And signed it yourself You signed it “They were wrong”

And if you don’t believe me remember that despite everything standing with all my doubts and fears I am still here