#don’t worry future monsters will be hot???

[thebathtubkeeper]

Sometimes as a keeper(dm/gm/whatevas) you know your players are monsterfuckers, so you intentionally create one of them monsters that is just like an animal but oooh fucked up.

No one is gonna fuck the horse, so I have at least avoided having to figure out how they’d romance my monsters because this one is just a fucking weird ass horse

[mooishbeam]

『♡』 Rises the Moon

♡ featuring: dan heng IL x f!reader

♡ summary: you help dan heng work through his heat cycle wc: 3.1k+

♡ cw/tw: canon-divergent, breeding, praise, kinda sad but wholesome, monster-fucking, heat cycle, blowjob, cunnilingus, mentions of blood, biting

notes: super canon divergent ik vidyadhara can't have kids but ahhh dan heng breed brainrot :P ruahh I need that lc

Cracked from a shimmering pearl into the cold deception of a ship no longer home, that damned his ill-fated legacy. A lonely forgone dragon wanders a lifetime in purgatory, searching for hands to follow, for he was reborn into the dead silence of solitude. He stretched his inhuman heart as far as it could reach, enough for anyone to hold. But it twisted and tangled in thorns, cradled by serpents' eyes that prayed for his ruin. In brief moments of rest, his visions were suffocated with catastrophic destruction unbeknownst to the reincarnate. When he was eventually released, no one turned for him; a trail of fire he would have to walk alone, bleeding for repentance until his sin was permanently consumed by the collapsing universe.  

A race cursed to live forever rarely knew joy or love to its full extent, as all things mortal would return to the ground beneath them. It wasn’t worth the attachment, nor the deserved doom of a man denied salvation. 

Your arrival at the space station upturned his perception. He wasn’t sure why he yearned to be near you, why his senses craved your smell and sight. He had to distance himself from you as much as possible, but the melody of your pure voice stored a rhythm in his core that could not be removed. He lamented the blooming affection in his discernment. Often lying awake at night, struggling to satiate the urges. 

To you, he was Dan Heng. The solemn, headstrong friend that seldom spoke in your presence. Your favorite pastime was playful banter; he rarely smiled, but it pulled at your heartstrings when the corners of his lips slightly lifted. When he picked at his food, you went out of your way to find out what he preferred and arranged your meals around his. You spent almost all of your time on the parlor car. That isn’t to say you weren’t interested in adventuring, you frequently noted the prettiest gems March showed you during their trips. You asked Dan about the stuff he enjoyed, but it’d usually amount to “I was too focused on staying alive to take in the scenery.” You recall entering your room after their return and noticed an iron scrap flower sitting on your windowsill. Dan nonchalantly admitted to the act, mentioning how he overheard your liking for metallic constructs. You originally thought this was simply an extension of your friendship, but the burning ache in your body spoke otherwise. The little things he did, such as bringing small gifts or ingredients for you to experiment with made you seek that numbed heart, imprisoned in ice. 

Himeko joked about your sour mood whenever Dan Heng was gone. You read while she stared at you, amused by the pout on your face. “Hmm, your boy toy is missing. Feeling down?” Your head shot up, ears hot from the assumption.  

“W-what? No, of course not. We’re friends, Himeko.” you panicked. She softly giggled. 

“Don’t worry. They’re coming back soon.” You peeked up from the pages. 

“...When?” you mumbled. “A few days. Now you can stop being so sad.” 

You were ecstatic when they arrived, ready to hear about their grueling journey, and more so happy to see Dan Heng. As March relived her storytelling, you observed him. He seemed to be in a trance. His expression was the same as always, but he felt disconnected from you, like he discerned a grim future. He didn’t come to dinner and went to sleep. When you asked March if something happened, she shifted uncomfortably but finally spoke.  

“Dan Heng...he changed on the Xianzhou Luofu.” She’d conveniently left out most of the story. 

“What do you mean ‘changed’?” you questioned, finding it hard to mask your worries. “He had horns and... It was all really new. I kinda wanna forget about it, too.” You didn’t pressure her for more information, and she went to her room shortly after.  You tossed in your sleep, wondering what he must’ve gone through, and what you could do to help him. 

You awoke in an inky blue void, the stars cascading a brilliant aura across the night. There were no other planets visible; only the vast moon, a divinely warm glow, alluring and protective in your gaze. Heavenly bodies carried infinitely above, shaping the moon in its godlike image. You stood in a comparatively small pool of iridescent liquid that waterfalled off each side. It marbled from refracted shimmers, cool to the touch. Somehow life emerged in the barren quiet, white lotus’ decorating most of the area. They never spilled down the stream, as if they'd been waiting. In said pool, was a man with elvish ears and gleaming horns, kneeling turned away from you. His pale arms were shackled behind him, and his delicate hair cascaded down his naked back. If you listened closely, you could hear the faint sobs he tried to stifle. You wanted to comfort him, to calm his nerves. You took a step, and he stopped. He didn’t acknowledge you. You took another step, your hand wishing to touch him. Before you could, you phased out of your dream.  

For the next two weeks, he didn’t leave his room. Not when you were around. At the same time, this reoccurring dream was plaguing your thoughts. It ended the same way each time. March aimed to console you, but you felt she knew more than she led on. Fatigued from your restless mind, you decide to talk to Himeko instead. She stirs her drink while Welt reads the paper. 

“Good morning, (Y/N).” said Welt. 

“Good...morning.” you yawned, rubbing your worsening eyebags. 

“You don’t seem okay. Is everything alright?” Himeko asks, motioning for you to sit beside her. 

“Something is wrong with Dan Heng and March isn’t telling me everything. I was hoping you would.” Welt clears his throat, sets the paper on the table and walks away. Himeko puts her hand on your knee. 

“He’s feeling unwell right now. It’s best we don’t disturb him.” 

“I’ve been having this weird dream, of a guy with horns. He’s crying. And I can’t save him. What does this mean? Why is everyone keeping this from me?” Alarm flashes in her expression, but she composes herself. She sucks in a deep breath. “Do you know what a Vidyadhara is?”  

“No.” 

“Vidyadhara descended from dragons, and they’re very powerful. Dan Heng is a special case of Vidyadhara, so we must treat him as such.” 

“So why can’t I see him?”  

“It’s important that we avoid him while he’s in the process of...getting through this.” 

“But someone has to check on him, right? I could be the one to do it-” 

“(Y/N). Dan Heng requested specifically, that I don’t allow you to see him.” You felt your heart pierce. You believed you were friends with him, so why was he forcing you away? “Oh. Okay.” you said meekly. You went back to your room to contemplate. 

 You were a ghost throughout the day, serving food in silence. When the crew went to bed you prepared a hearty soup to soothe whatever illness he had. He’d probably reject it, but the selfish side wanted to know why he was upset with you. Even if he didn’t have an answer, perhaps his voice would be adequate. Arriving at his door, you knock twice gently. 

“I have some soup for you. Himeko said you were feeling ill. I won’t disrupt you, just want to make sure you’re eating.” He said nothing. “If you’re not hungry, let me know and I can store it for tomorrow. You can’t get better on an empty stomach.” You hear rustling inside, but he still said nothing. 

“Did I do something wrong? I’m sorry if I did.” 

“You didn’t do anything wrong, but I need you to go away.” His voice is feeble, and it scares you. 

“Can I please leave this on your desk? I’ll go away right after, I promise.” You 're practically begging, but you need to see him and know he’s okay. Dan Heng’s weakening mindset rationalizes his risky judgement, and he allows you to come in. He should be able to defend you from himself with the strength he has left; there’s no other choice. “Okay.” 

When you open the door, you’re horrified at the state. Books and precious documents were strewn across the floor or shredded, along with most of the blankets. He’s hunched over on the futon clenching his abdomen, strands of hair sticking to his shiny forehead and puffy lips. He was in a form you've never seen, dressed in elegance in contrast to his shaking figure. The clothes were disheveled, however, the window on his top ripped down the middle, exposing the muscular torso underneath with his pants pulled just under his v-line. He's flushed and sweating, a look in his eyes that both terrifies and excites you. What was most shocking were the pointy ears and horns protruding from his head. The same ones from your dream. He tracks you as you walk to his desk. He’s undoubtedly weak, and yet you feel hunted. You set the soup down. 

“Shouldn’t you ask Bailu about this?” 

“I did already. There’s nothing she can do. I have to wait.” You get on your knees next to him, and he recoils from your proximity. 

“Wait for what?” 

“I'm hot all over, all the time. Nothing I do works, even when I feel good it’s not enough.” he rasps. His eyes are shut in an attempt to null the intense sensation blazing in his veins. You ultimately realize what he means and regret your cluelessness. Still, you don’t leave, deconstructing his resolve. Suddenly, Dan Heng feels the tender press of your palm to his forehead; the touch of someone he could recognize in different timelines and different bodies. The scent of morning dew at early sunrise, the light in its darkness, bitter and sweet and persistent. He punished the thought of ravaging you, but the incessant thump of his member was staggering. He grabs your wrist tight, a guilty look in his eyes. 

“I can’t control myself. Go. Now” he shouts. His anger doesn’t scare you, and your other hand caresses his cheek. 

“Does it hurt? I can help you.” Dan Heng’s frozen as your fingers travel down his Adam's apple, then his chest, to the hem of his bottoms. He’s on his back taking deep labored breaths, the print growing from your airy brushes. 

“I don’t want you to be in pain anymore.” 

You spring his cock free, and it bounces into your hand. It’s thick and almost twelve inches, a rosy-brown gradient to the mushroom tip. His veins dance around the rounded spikes lining up his shaft on both sides. A frustrated sigh leaves him, beads of pre come dripping down his balls. You lubricate your hands with his slick and start to slowly pump him. His head is spinning, the intoxicating ecstasy makes him rut his hips and bite his blushed lips. You fondle his balls with one hand while massaging the tip with the other. Whimpers echo pleasantly in your ears, and he can’t stop watching you, drinking up your shy glances. It twitches in your hold; you can feel how close he is. He’s falling apart because of you and your dampened underwear accepts it. You push your thumb in his mouth and part it to reveal excessive drool and sharp canines.  

“Do you like it?” you tease. He makes noise resembling an “uh huh” through teary eyes. 

“You wanna come?” He quivers from the question. He can only manage a moan. You move to his base, and you slaver at the daunting size before running your tongue along the urethra and taking him in your mouth. He throws his head back but tries to restrain himself from bucking into you. You can barely get it halfway as his cockhead kisses the back of your throat. You hollow your cheeks and start bobbing your head, he trembles from unconstrained pleasure.  

“Please, I’ll do anything please let me come” he whines, tears spilling down his cheeks. You move your hands with the suction along his gradually noisy whimpers, the occasional gag from sloppy grinding. 

“Ah, ‘m gonna come-” he chokes, his chest hitched rapidly, spurting ropes that flood your throat. He rides the wave against you until you pull up. When you meet with him again, his demeanor changes. He instantly snatches you into his arms and smothers his nose in your stomach. He tears your clothes off impatiently, just to taste your bare skin. “Dan-” 

“You smell so good. Aeons, why do you smell so good.” He gazes at you darkly, littering wet kisses across your stomach and chest. His slender hands grope and explore anything they can reach. It was like he had a burst of energy; he nearly lifts you off his lap. You notice his horns get progressively longer, a dim radiance outlining them. His nails grew too, they dragged light scratches over your breasts to your hips. He pulls you to him, lips barely hovering before they collide into a deep, passionate exchange. Unspoken words allow teeth and tongue to mix, and you moan into each other. The pheromones hugging his consciousness are addictive, he needs more of it. He promptly flips you on your back, his eyes look down on you with a starving glint. 

“I’m hungry now.” 

“Oh sure, I can warm up the-” 

“No. Let me eat you.” His statement was more of a demand than a request, as he mangles your panties down your legs. He forces your thighs back and appreciates the glistening sticky folds. “Stunning” he purrs. He licks a flat strip to your clit and laps up your juices, then envelops his mouth in your heat. His firm squeeze prevents you from escaping the determined pink muscle, swirling and twisting around you. He switches between French kisses to your vulva and merciless sucking on the erect bud. He’d rather drown in you than catch his breath, your essence covers his jaw and chin. You card your fingers through his scalp and accidentally sweep his horns; he shudders. You rub the pad of your thumb on it, earning a strangled whimper. His tongue sinks into your passage and begins to move at a brutal pace. You tease the sensitivity in his horns, flicking and circling them. The vibrations from his moans rock against your walls and your hips stutter. “Ah- I’m close” you plead. He stimulates your clit, and you pulse around him before your back arches, and you unwind. His mouth is stitched to you as you try to wriggle out of his grasp. He continues to devour your climax. He hoists your lower half off the ground, savoring your honeyed desire, laughing from your overstimulated cries. You’re spasming and feel your heart racing in your ears. He stops at the approaching precipice and lays you down. Balmy kisses dot your knees. 

“Please Dan Heng, more” you beg. 

“(Y/N), I don’t want to hurt you.” He's throbbing, and he straightens your legs to roll his hips between your thighs. The plush fat cuddles his cock and he pants. You grab his hand. 

“It’s okay, I’m yours. I know you don’t mean to hurt me.” 

“But-” 

“I love you” you blurt out. “Please, I want to have this with you. I can handle it, I promise.” Your vulnerability surprises you, and he stops. 

“You...love me?” he questions. For a split second, you see sadness and despair. No one stood to consider an exile incapable of love, but you did. No one bothered to defrost the drifting hollow, but you did. The undying weeps. 

“I love you. I would destroy every star and planet in your name. Carve your worth into the cosmos so that even Fuli could worship your memory. I am yours in its entirety, and I’ll only live for you.” You wipe the tears as they come down and kiss his troubles away. 

“I want you inside me” you whisper. He stands and scoops you up, his hands on your ass and your arms around his neck. He aligns his tip with your sex and lowers you into the plunge. The stretching blaze of your walls accommodating his girth is excruciating.  

“Is this okay?” 

“Yes.” You give him a reassuring smile. He’s stuffing you full, the spikes knead your inner walls the deeper he goes. He bottoms out and stays there for a while. 

“Tell me when to move” he soothes. 

“Go ahead.” He starts an unrelenting tempo, and you grip him like a vice, your arousal drenching his balls. The thundering sound of desperate huffs and squelching, smacking flesh is almost embarrassing; you both don’t care, indulging each other. You could’ve sworn you saw something similar to a dragon's tail swaying behind him, or maybe your mind played tricks on you. Strings of saliva connect his fangs, eyes cloudy with carnal impulse and cock twitching from the friction. He can see the bulge snapping in and out of your stomach and groans.  

“Deeper.” He pulls out and lays you on the futon before positioning you in a mating press. In one swoop he jackhammers your cunt, balls swinging and ragged breath on your ear. His hair blankets you and you soak in his sweating physique, his needy appearance. 

“Gonna breed this pretty pussy” he moans. Eyeing the unoccupied space on your neck, he salivates. You guide his lips to your neck, encouraging him, and he takes the bait. He ruptures the skin with sharp teeth; harsh puncture wounds remain. He licks the blood away, adamant on claiming you. The spikes massage your g-spot, and your eyes loll back, pleasure and pain blurring. Dan Heng loses his composure, frenetic thrusting as he chases his release. 

“I’m gonna come!” 

“That’s it, come with me, my love” he groans. You see black as tremors overtake you and a stream of squirt coats you both. Your wails flow into the halls. Your contracting vulva sends him over the edge, and he finally comes undone, painting your insides to the hilt. You milk every last drop of his gushing seed, and he jerks a few times until limp. The creamy, swelling base pushes your folds to capacity. It's barbed wire in your gut. He strokes and kisses your face. 

“I'm sorry, it’ll go down soon.” With your legs wrapped around him and his head snug against your cheek, you weren’t sure if you wanted it to go down. 

His curse may not be lifted through your embrace. But in your arms, his shackles don't feel as heavy. 

[luffyvace]

Vinsmoke Sanji x male reader

Wano Sanji>> 😍🧑‍🍳💋

I won’t tolerate any hate for me writing Sanji x a male reader if you don’t like it block me :)

Sanji loving a male has two possibilities of how it happened: A) an au where he’s bi or smth or B) he loved women until you. Now he respects women and loves you!

let’s go with B for the sake of making you feel as special as you are 😉👌

honestly from here you can basically just read any Sanji headcanons and know what your relationship is like so I’m not gonna repeat the traditional sanji things 😅 but from now on male reader will be heavily implied/mentioned :3 💗

Sanji as a boyfriend is a great punching bag if you have anger issues and sparring partner! 😁 if your a hot headed person he’ll let you punch him as many times as you want til you get all your emotions out. He knows what it’s like to bottle it up and he’s rather have you take it out on him then implode it on yourself. Now, others he doesn’t care about unless they’re a woman. Will still side with you tho

”hey watch where your going!”

- you

”excuse me??”

- random woman

”please excuse us, my lady, my lovely boyfriend~ (😍) is trying to get through”

- Simpji

Sanji is really strong so as a sparring partner he’s great! You can tell him to stop holding back as much as you want but you can’t rely on him for that. 😊 He would rather just be used as a punching bag honestly, he doesn’t wanna hurt you!! 😓 Will be 00.1% less lenient if your strong like the monster trio buuuut not a big difference. He’s not underestimating you at all! You can tell by his constant praises on how strong you are- but he just doesn’t wanna hurt his DAAAARLING FUTURE HUSBAND~ (😍)

if your weaker, he insists you won’t have to train much because he’ll always protect you. Just like he has the instincts to detect a woman’s tears, he now has the ability to tell if you need help! His heart will clench and his stomach will twist before he darts off to find you without a word (despite worrying your crew-)

Will spar with you if your really serious about getting stronger to help protect you and your crewmates. But he might suggest you get a weapon built by Usopp (or Franky) first.

”MY LOVELY BOYFRIEND IS SO KIND~ HE WANTS TO GET STRONGER TO PROTECT EVERYONE!~~ The rest of you jerks better be grateful!! 😤 -not you! Nami-San! Robin-Chwan!”

No matter your body type Sanji will dote on you! 😘 ABS⁉️ AN ALL OUT NOSE BLEED!! YOUR SO HANDSOME HE JUST MIGHT PASS OU- 😴 A dad bod?? 😍😍 AWOOGA~ Sounds sensual and sultry to him 💋💋 On the chubbier side? STILL HOT!! Mwah! Come over here sugar lips 😜

- his words not mine 😚

his dates can vary from really romantic to more casual, depends on what type of guy you are. If your in tune with your emotions like him you guys’ll probably seem a lot more cheesy- IN A GOOD WAY‼️💗 Otherwise, if distant or just put up a front, etc then he’ll tone it down. His side of the party will still be uh, not necessarily dramatic but dramatic, on the other hand. What I mean by that is he’s still a simp but your dates won’t be so cliche, at the least. More so activities like festivals, carnivals, roller skating, all that good stuff!

of course he can always arrange a time on the merry/sunny for a food date where he cooks all your favs!…one prob tho..Luffy. 🤦‍♀️ Actually, a good time to get away with a dinner date is when Luffy’s not around! And by that I’m talking when he’s on an island exploring and Sanji tells the others to go on ahead, leaving you two alone on the ship! 😁👍

Sanji thinks your so cool when you fight tbh. It doesn’t matter how strong or weak you are, you’ll always look tough while fighting 💪 If your weak he’s got your back!! Of course, likewise if your strong, but he worries 0.1% less if you are. He will forever be concerned about his boyfriend’s well being 🤷‍♀️ At the very least he knows you could handle yourself on your own if there’s a 0% chance that he can’t come to your aid. (He will always show up for you 🙏)

The op men seem to be more annoyed with Sanji’s simp behavior so if that’s you….it still won’t change anything…feel free to kick him tho! He’ll let you 😘 He has a nose bleed after too (not only cuz you kicked him but bc you looked hot while doing so 😍) Yeah the grind never stops, and that’s on simping 😜👍

Will let you call him any nickname! Or insult- you could practically hate him and he’d still be your loyal lap dog 🐩 Bro is down on his knees down bad 😭🙏 ‘Even when he calls me crude cook~ HE’S STILL THE MOST GLORIOUS MAN IN THE WORLD!~ 😻” If your pet/nicknames are more romantic or loving it’ll give him an even worse nose bleed for sure. He gets butterflies either way- of course. 😂

If you were to ever get hurt he’s going to quite literally hurl his boot at their face, and I’m not implying he takes his shoe off. Naturally, this outcome only happens with a man. If a woman is beating you he will prioritize your safety and run away with you. Or distract her so you can get Nami or Robin.

⚠️Skip if you haven’t watched Whole Cake arc⚠️

(Now, for a head’s up idk how Sanji’s fam works bc I’m not on whole cake yet-) Sanji’s family will likely diss him even further for being a man who likes other men. Reiju might support him- but his father will be utterly disappointed! ‘Now he can’t even marry a women to strengthen they’re bloodline!’ (Sanji’s dad<< 🙄) But don’t worry ik for a fact his super awesome boyfriend came through to save the day 🦸

(Back to regual hcs, mini Whole Cake spoiler over 👍)

This hc right here kinda gn but he will give you the biggest, happiest, silliest smile ever if you compliment his eyebrows. Or at least say they don’t look silly/you like them. IK he’s not necessarily insecure of the look overall but bc his doesn’t look like his family’s eyebrows, but it still makes him feel better about it ❤️‍🩹

so yeah please do compliment him on it 💗

I don’t really like to talk about who’s the “dom” in the relationship but I’m gonna mention it just this once and hear me out‼️

He’d be so flustered if you were!! Like?? Your taking care of him?? Being protective over him?? 😻🙏 AWOOGA- 💥 (he passed out) You could practically demand anything from him anyway but imagine him having a nose bleed all down his face as he stutters out a “yes sir” and immediately gets on the job 🙌 Bonus points if you have a deep voice 🤷‍♀️ (Not even in a suggestive way, btw, just genuinely having rizz 🤪🙏)

Or maybe he’s the “dom” He’d be so happy to take care and protect you, as he always is. But this time he cranks up his flirting game x200. Like he’s actually trying and not just using simp, servant, slave rizz (LOL- 😂)

Think about him leaning in real close to your ear, lowering his voice, before saying “I’ve cooked you a meal 😏” (or smth I ain’t the rizz master-)

You get my point! Case closed ok? Point is he’d be a lot more smooth than a simp. Ya got me? Good.

Edit: I added more! ψ(｀∇´)ψ

Reqs officially back open!! Now I’m just gonna freelance and write from my list

[wroteclassicaly]

Steve Harrington definitely has a daddy AND breeding kink

Man gave himself away when he hopped into that convertible and said fuck you to Toddfather. Wearing those tight little jeans and talking about wanting six babies, like… okay, let’s see your swimmers, bitch 😂

Warnings: Breeding kink, daddy kink, NSFW, smut, and language!

Steve is absolutely a man that is feral when it comes to all things Mother Nature. He’s not bothered by your period, simply remarks he could fix that for nine months if you’d let him, as he’s simultaneously waving your pads or tampons in your face. And during ovulation? He’s often coming up as you take your birth control, hand around the water, his large palm wraps around your own, other hand taking the small pill packet from you. He’s nosing his way into gaping the collar of your shirt, that hot mouth laying kisses across your flesh.

“Maybe don’t worry about it this month?”

“Steve…” you warn, already prepared to thwart those toe curling advances.

Because if there’s one thing Steve Harrington does, it’s completing his purpose with an intense vigor. And that includes sex—namely—your pleasure, your orgasms, and the idea of pumping you so full of his cum that you become pregnant with twins. After all, his mom said once that they might run in the family.

“C’mon, honey. Why not?”

You sign into his wet kisses, body ignited with a pressing electricity. “Because, babies aren’t glamorous, Steve. You like the idea of them, sure, but—“

He frowns, one of which you can feel against your neck. He pulls away with a look of sadness. “You think I don’t know we wouldn’t get any sleep, would probably be covered in baby shit and vomit? We’d argue, we would miss a lot of sex and date nights? That about cover it?” He finishes, taking in your shell-shocked expression.

He’s put a lot of thought into this.

“What’s wrong with cleaning up little baby puke, versus monster guts and blood? I can handle it, I know I can.” He’s firm, a soft strength you rarely hear from him. You’re on the cusp of full blown admiration. Ah, fuck it. You’re already there.

“Steve—“

“I know what I want and I want that with you. Didn’t you tell me that you’re the one who knows where to get a good deal on an RV, huh?”

The conversation of Steve’s six nuggets that he’d dreamt of having with you, life so short and precious after everything you’d all went through. And you’re always positive that your future belongs to Steve Harrington, and that his children are yours—together. The mere idea of creating a whole human being that belongs to you and him? He’s already Cheshire grinning, milky white teeth on display. “Tits full of milk to feed our child. Belly swollen. Fuck, honey. We’re gonna have to get you a real nice nightgown, yeah? Something you can slip off easily when you’re sore.”

Steve loves lingerie on your body? And pregnant, shrouded in various slivers of silk, satin, and lace?

~*~

His daddy kink can go both ways. Pregnant or not. When he’s taking you deeper and deeper, pressing your face into the bed with his large hand, cock catching on your sopping wet walls. Making you beg to take him down and gag.

“Who’s daddy’s good girl?”

[fatkish]

Haganezuka x Fire Spirit Reader HC’s

You had been born from the Swordmith’s. You were a natural spirit born from their passion and born to protect them

You have a natural form that is a fox, but your body is made of metal, making you look mechanical and your tails are made of blue fire

The swordsmiths have known about you for the longest time, they feed you and are friendly to you

You protect them and keep their fires hot and make sure they don’t get burned

The Swordsmiths built a shrine for you, they leave offerings there and light candles, signifying the fire that you were born from and that gives you strength

Your favorite swordsmith happens to be Haganezuka, much to the surprise of the villagers

Whenever a slayer comes to the village, they are asked to pay respects to you by giving you a dumpling (your favorite food, sorry if it’s not) and lighting a candle at the shrine

When Tanjiro came to the village he was asked to pay respects to you which he happily did as he was rather curious about you

Tanjiro was amazed by you and happily pet you once he met you

You snuggled with him and Nezuko at night when they stayed at the village

When the village is attacked by the upper moons, you went on the attack

Your fire is similar to that of sunlight, when a demon catches on your fire, it burns them. You destroyed each of Gyokko’s fish, burning them to ash

You dashed through the village, destroying each and every fish monster in bright blue flames

When Gyokko tried to hurt Haganezuka, you got in between them, snarling with your arms out, you shouted at him not to touch your Haganezuka

You fought Gyokko, getting hurt but never wavering

When Muichiro helped you, you made quick work of Gyokko and then you left to fight the other upper moon

You helped defend Tanjiro, Mitsuri, Genya and Nezuko. You lended your fire to each of them, lighting their swords on fire, giving them a boost

When Tanjiro and the others separated and left Mitsuri to go after the main body, you transformed into your human form and went to help them

When you caught up with them, the sun was rising and you jumped from the cliff to try and reach Nezuko and shade her from the sun

When Nezuko overcame the sun and was able to walk in sunlight, you decided that you would give Tanjiro and Nezuko some of your blessings

You helped out in the aftermath and helped clear away debris as well as rebuild the village

While Haganezuka reforged Tanjiro’s new sword, you made sure to bless the sword by bathing it in your fire and blood

After Haganezuka returned from delivering the sword to the newly built and relocated village, you jumped on him and welcomed him back

After the demon slayer corps were disbanded, you would come to realize that you would probably disappear and cease to exist after some time

The villagers had noticed your flames were flickering and asked you what was wrong

You told them that soon you wouldn’t have any reason to exist, without demon slayers and their need for swords, the swordsmiths wouldn’t have a need to forge like they do today

You told them that in the future after they are gone and have all died, you likely won’t have enough energy to exist in your current physical form

Unbeknownst to you, amongst the crowd of swordsmiths, Haganezuka was listening to you and was deeply concerned but didn’t know what to do or how to help you

Haganezuka had always held a soft spot for you in his heart, you had always been looking after him since he was a child

He wanted to repay you for all that you’ve done and ensure that you didn’t need to worry

You went to check on Haganezuka and found him working away in his shed. You smiled seeing as he has never changed despite all the years you’ve know him and having faced an upper moon

You silently left to go do other things, unaware of the tears that Haganezuka was shedding at the thought of losing you

One night, you were sitting on the steps of your newly built shrine when Haganezuka came and offered you some dumplings

You sat and ate them while Haganezuka ate some Mitarashi dango. You both sat there quietly eating while looking at the stars

Haganezuka spoke up, asking if it was true, that you would disappear in the future

You told him it was true. You explained to him how you only exist due to the wishes and work of the swordsmiths. Without them, you wouldn’t exist, if they disappear, so will you

You looked at Haganezuka and saw the tears in his eyes, you smiled softly and wiped them away

You told him that he shouldn’t be sad and that this is just how things are

Haganezuka then promised you that he would make sure that his descendants would always make offerings to and worship you

You laughed and told him he needed to get married first in order to have descendants

As time went on, the village changed and as the swordsmiths aged and began to die off, you slowly lost most of your power

Nowadays, your physical form is long gone, leaving nothing but your spiritual form. You watch over a few different families. Namely the Kanamori’s and the Haganezuka’s

You keep an eye on their families and do what you can for them, awaiting the day that you completely disappear or the day that the swordsmiths return, whichever comes first

[aristocratic-otter]

Fic authors self rec! When you get this, reply with your favorite five fics that you've written, then pass on to at least five other writers (except me because obvs I have done it). Spread the self-love ❤

Thank you, @artsyunderstudy, @skee3000, and @roomwithanopenfire for the ask.

  Hmmm, Ok. I guess I’ll choose based on which of my own fics I actually reread the most. That means my favorites are: 

A Real Doll

My first explicit fic, written for the Monster Under the Bed fest, this was where I really started to feel like I could be up there writing with the fanfic gods I’d looked up to. @captain-aralias liked it, that was an achievement! This was actually very very loosely based on a CSI fanfic I read forever ago (really, the only similarity was a lifelike sex doll), but in it Baz decides to try to wank his feelings for Simon away in a much more involved fashion by basically fucking a sex doll he makes that looks like Simon. But then Simon walks in on this happening and, well...you’ll have to read it to find out. 

A Fucked-Up Cinderella Story

This was my first EGF fic, and, more importantly, my first collaboration. Working with @frjsti was eye-opening in so many ways. I found out how wonderful it can be when a writer and artist work together, and how much greater the result is than either could accomplish alone. 

Plus, I’m still amused by the titular joke. 

In this fic, Baz was kept home by Malcolm after the vampire attack, for fear both of what other mages might do to him, and out of worry that Baz himself wouldn’t be able to control his vampire urges. 

In a misguided attempt to convince Baz that he can like women, Malcolm offers to hire him a male escort, with the twisted idea that if Baz doesn’t like having sex with a male, he might swing back to females. 

Enter Simon, who’s offered a shit-ton of money by a very discreet agency to provide one night of unimaginable pleasure to a mysterious client...

Careful What You Wish For

Another collaboration with an artist, this time for my first COBB, I worked with the imitable @ivelovedhimthroughworse (Apricot). Apricot was a fun and generous partner, and this being a collaboration is one reason it’s a favorite. 

The other reasons have to do with me being a massive science nerd and getting to nerd out about multiple universe theories, and with this being my first fully original plotty work (previous ones either weren’t plotty, or were based on existing movies/stories/history).

In Careful, Simon, in a fit of rage, accidentally wishes that Baz had never been born. This catapults him into a universe that never had a Baz Pitch and Simon has to learn how much he actually cares about Baz (and don’t worry, Baz himself enters the story before too long).

Gates of Ivory and Horn

This was a gift fic for @prettylightsbigcity, and what I like so much about it is how it gave me a chance to play with mythology, with the boundary between life and death, and with the ripple effects of one choice on future timelines. Plus, some very hot scenes and plenty of angst, it’s exactly the type of fic I choose to read when others write it. 

When the Oneiroi, Greek gods of dreams in the form of ravens, attack Watford, Simon is one of the first to fall. He’s trapped in a dream where he’s offered the choice of two gates. The catch is, one gate shows only truth, one shows only falsehoods. If he chooses the wrong gate, he’ll be trapped in the dream forever. 

But how could a future where he ends up with Baz be the true one?

For the last, I’m torn between three or four other fics, but I think I’ll go with The Naked Next.  It was a gift fic for @raenestee, and one of several fics set in the same universe.  I’m choosing this because it gave me a chance to be fun and silly, but also nerd out on some of my favorite science topics. And it let me write SnowBaz into one of my favorite (silly) Star Trek episodes. And most off all, I got to work with a lovely bunch of people, including @facewithoutheart, @you-remind-me-of-the-babe, @cutestkilla, @mostlymaudlin, @thewholelemon, and @artsyunderstudy (and others who may yet be revealed. The expansiveness of the universe we’ve built together is endlessly thrilling for me, and I’m grateful to @facewithoutheart for inviting me to be involved. 

In this story, Simon is the Bajoran rebel turned Starfleet security chief on the Redemption. Baz is his half-Cardassian former roommate/ nemesis and constant obsession. When the Redemption answers a distress call to a vessel where people are acting like the whole world is a party, some of the away team unfortunately bring a contagion back to the Redemption with them. 

In the timeless words of Porky Pig, Th-th-th-that’s all, folks!

[viroman]

Philip and Ed

Philip was proud of his family. The marriage of his parents was not only profitable, but also out of mutual love, which, by the way, was rare in modern realities. He had two older brothers, strong and caring, whom he certainly looked up to. And he was surrounded by three older sisters: everything was like choosing a beauty. Thanks to them, he learned to be polite and courteous, easily found a common language with ladies and felt confident among other knights.

His family is not very rich, but thanks to hard training and good home education, he received his rightful place. And not just anywhere, but in the elite squad of the Eckhart house, where he met Ed.

Philip never complained. Captain Derrick Eckhart was a difficult person, but with him issues were always resolved quickly and efficiently. Field assignments were not uncommon, and the knight repeatedly showed himself to be good, so when the squad was assembled, he was ready for any work.

Except this one.

Philip certainly did not expect to be ordered to guard the violent Lady Penelope. To be honest, he would rather go on the annual monster hunt than be here at this moment.

He saw the princess only a few times, but he could definitely tell that her look had changed. Beautiful turquoise eyes became more and more blue, causing goosebumps to run across the skin. She spoke in a quiet voice, but every word was saturated with poison. A little more, and the butler will be torn to pieces on the spot.

Philip tried to be polite and careful in his words: the girl was upset, she needed to calm down. However, no matter what the butler said, it completely infuriated the lady.

The butler asked them to stay outside the door so as not to aggravate the situation.

The next day it didn't get any better. It seemed that Penelope was one step away from simply spitting in their faces. The lady felt humiliated and took it out on those around her. Ed cursed quietly, promising to one day beat up the slave who started this whole mess. Philip definitely had no intention of stopping him.

They tried to be a shadow. Carefully following the princess, exhausted by hunger and a terrible sleep, both knights tried not to anger the noble lady again.

– Don’t let anyone in, – Penelope ordered, walking past the knights and hiding behind the greenhouse door. Ed quietly noted that she was still very annoyed by their presence, but she had clearly accepted it.

The only one who did not accept the Duke’s order to limit Penelope’s communication with anyone was, God forgive me, the Crown Prince.

– You didn’t understand the first time? Moved away from the door.

– Your Highness, we are only carrying out the order of the Du- Agh!

Although Philip was slightly taller than Callisto, the crown prince's experience and incredible physical strength made this fight completely unequal. Ed didn’t even have time to breathe before he lay down next to Philip, who was twisted in pain.

– Where has it been seen that the groom is forbidden to see the bride, eh? But she, by the way, is your future empress. So boys, next time think before you get in the way of the Crown Prince.

Philip's last thought was to resign. And then darkness covered him.

No one reprimanded them for failing to stop the crown prince. Nobody could do this. Judging by the number of bruises on the body, they were well kicked while he and Ed were unconscious. Derrick promised them paid time off.

Philip noticed how depressed Ed was.

– Why are you so worried?

– I didn’t know that our lady was engaged to the crown prince.

Philip just sighed. Ed had no chance against the crown prince, so so the guy should have just come to terms with the fact that their hot-tempered lady would leave the duchy with this psycho. As they say, there is a mate for every animal.

For such jokes, Philip almost lost his long hair.

[ireadtoomuchyafantasy]

Gladion x Reader: Shadows of Poni Grove PART 1

Shadows of Poni Grove.

word count: 3753 (part 1+2)

Prompt: The monster’s well aware of its typical victims, and it knows human eyes don’t glow.

WARNING GORE AND SWEARING

“It’s very interesting,” (Y/N) sips her tea, “how the hyper training works in the Galar region. I’ve always needed to train my pokemon by myself.”

“It’s something that Rose had been working on for years.” Leon hides his smile by looking out the window. She’s trying to hide that she burned her tongue on the hot tea. Cute. “Says it has to do with the ‘future of Galar’ or something.”

“Still, though. I feel it is important for a high-performance trainer to know how to train their own pokemon. It builds-” A faint buzz hums through (Y/N)’s pant pocket, and her Rotom phone flies out.

Bzzzt. Hello? (Y/N)?

She snatches the Rotom phone from the air to look at the caller ID. It’s Looker. “I can hear you. It’s me.”

There’s something we need you to check out.

She taps the ‘location’ button. “You’re in Alola right now. I can send Gladion or Hau for the UB’s, remember?”

Where are you right now.

“I’m having tea with a friend.”

I need you somewhere private.

She moves the phone to her ear, and Rotom switches from speaker to single-caller mode. “Tell me here.” Leon is leaning against his chair, twiddling his thumbs. He watches (Y/N) as her eyebrows knit together, and then her face drops. Her eyes shake a bit, and then she is out of her chair, streamlining for the exit. She stops her march suddenly, then turns around to Leon, who is still in his chair. He waves and nods in understanding. Understanding what? He doesn’t really know. But she’s the Worldwide Champion, so he assumes it’s something important. And dangerous. He hopes she’ll be fine. He was starting to like having her around as he takes over Rose Tower- and she’s gone again. Leon sighs, and looks down to the half-eaten biscuits on the table and her still-steaming cup of tea. He hopes she’ll be fine.

Stupid. Stupid, stupid.

That was the only word going through (Y/N)’s head the entire ride to Alola. Who was she calling stupid? Stupid Looker, for sending Gladion alone. Stupid Gladion, for not asking for backup. Stupid (Y/N), for being worried for stupid Gladion and his stupid smile, his stupid haircut, his stupid stupidity. Why didn’t he ask for backup? Stupid stupid stupid stupid.

The urgency in Looker’s voice echoes in her mind, “Gladion was sent two days ago and we can’t reach him.” Stupid. A whine from Latios below her snaps her back into the present. She leans into the pokemon, and they dive downwards into Poni Grove.

“What is that? Oh my Arceus. Bank. Bank!” she yanks on Latios’ neck, and they abruptly level out, just close enough to see the damage. The usual green of Poni Grove was soaked in red. Bones and mush of what she assumes are Pokémon lay strewn across fields and left hanging on tree branches. Judging by the different hues of blood, and the ground just marinating in it… Latios descends slowly, the air growing thick with a metallic scent. It was so quiet. Too quiet. They land somewhere away from the mess.

Latios knew the drill. (Y/N) takes out a wreath of revival herbs, and hangs in around his neck. She brings her forehead to his before letting him take off to do an aerial inspection of the damage. She watches until Latios is out of sight, the wind from his wings whipping her hair around. Then (Y/N) calls out her team.

“This is (Y/N). Codename: WWC. I am reporting a case 294; massacre. This is a recon mission for Agent Gladion, and a rescue and relief for Poni Grove.” She leaves a message for Looker on her voicemail. Then she looks to her team of pokemon, a bunch of young, naive Galarian rookies. “Save what you can, burn or bury the rest.” She gives each of them a wreath of revival herbs around their neck, “do not touch anything rotting, do not engage in battle. Stay in groups of two or more.” She winces a little. This is a new team she started training from Galar. Their first mission on the field was a particularly gruesome one. There was no time to waste. Her team scattered, each running off to a pile of flesh and bones. The stench was overwhelming.

(Y/N) tightens the bandage on a Riolu’s midriff, pressing her lips together as the pokemon moans in pain. She did what she could with the items she had on her bag; a fresh water to wash away the blood and dirt, some pokemon scale to saw off the rotting flesh, and a measly full restore to seal up the wound. She gives the Riolu some berry juice and wipes the sweat off its forehead. The pokemon squeaks, its eyes drooping with exhaustion. The bushes behind them rustle, and (Y/N) snaps her head up as Riolu makes another pitiful whine. The scent hit her before the image: rot and char. An Alolan Marowak stumbles towards (Y/N), barely gripping onto the two halves of its bone. Chunks of his flesh were missing, and the remaining parts were scorched or dripping with blood. (Y/N) watches the pokemon carefully, angling her body so that she crouched between the Marowak and Riolu.

“What happened to you?” The Marowak trembles, its bone splintering into dust as it sways towards her. She quickly administers a Full Restore, watching as the Pokémon stitches itself together, pink flesh filling up the indents in his body. She hands the pokemon a bottle of Moomoo Milk, and takes out her sports tape to secure the two halves of Marowak’s bone. The bottle is empty before she can start, so (Y/N) replaces the empty bottle with a Fresh Water. She hands the bone back when he’s done. The Marowak studies her and the Riolu, shifting a little as if to say something-

A cry from one of (Y/N)’s pokemon rings through the air. She bolts up, head snapping towards the direction of the sound as the Marowak lunges for her bag. Without a word, the Marowak flees into the underbush. (Y/N) checks her pokewatch: all her pokemon are safe, the youngest just tripped over a branch. She sighs, looking back down to the Riolu and then to her bag, where the Full Restores’ pocket has been completely emptied. Shit. She checks the Riolu’s vitals once more, then picks it up, resting its weight on his hip and she releases a high-pitched whistle to call her pokemon. She moves towards an area with better visibility.

(Y/N) divides her team: half to aid the injured, lead by her Mimikyu, Mimi, who was a native to Alola. The other half would join her and follow the Marowak. Rotom tells her that Looker and the recon team are 30 minutes away. She lets the Riolu join the other fourty-something rescued pokemon in the middle of Poni Grove. But where is Gladion?

Sian, her Zacian, tracked the Marowak’s scent. The trail leads them deeper into the grove, more grotesque, death mingling with the unmistakable stench of human decay. They slow down around the opening of a cave, Sian signals something by pointing its nose towards her palm. (Y/N) places her hand to the walls of the cave, feeling for the vibrations of a pokemon battle. One side was losing, very badly. They make their way deeper into the cave.

Her pokemon were walking too heavily. She calls them back into their pokeballs, and presses herself against the walls, inching her way into the cave. The battle quieted down. She moves cautiously, focusing on a new noise that started; something wet and sloppy. She nears the opening into the main body of the cave, daring a peek at-

Something cold and very strong gripped her arm. A scream crawls up her throat before being muffled by a cold hand over her mouth. “Don’t make any noise,” a biting, cold whisper, “or it’ll attack us.” She quickly registers the warm breath at her ear.

“Gladion!?”

“There’s no time to explain,” he looked awful. She couldn’t see very well anyway, but a few gentle pats down his body told her enough. “The Pokémon is ghost-fire type. It sees in infrared, so breathe as little as you can.”

“Where’s Type: Null?” she scans the darkness as her hands continue to feel around his face. Nothing’s missing, at least.

“He’s further into the cave. I can’t get to him, but thankfully his shell is too tough to break open. It’s the only thing keeping him from being eaten.”

“Eaten!?”

“Do you have any Max Revives?” he grabs her hands and tugs her closer, desperation in his voice.

“I… left them outside.”

“How many Pokémon do you have with you?”

“Three.”

“Not enough,” he mutters. The two of them stood in silence.

Silence?

The munching stops, and a clatter echoes through the cave. (Y/N) squints in the darkness to see what it was. Gladion yanks her to the ground as the cave floods with light.

A marowak bone.

The Marowak’s bone.

Oh, shit just got real.

[queenofbaws]

hello my friends, and congrats on making it to yet another wednesday. oh how the time simply flies, huh?

a quick status update over here: things are still pretty nuts with family stuff, so as i said over the weekend, if you've sent me a flash fiction prompt i haven't gotten to yet, i promise i haven't forgotten! <3 most of my energy's been going elsewhere lately, what can you do.

my big goals for the near future are still (1) to finish the tale(s) of the champion, (2) to finish of mummy men & bathtub soup, and (3) to get another chapter of like wringing blood from a stone out, but i've learned my lesson and will not be making guesses as to timeframes there, hehehehe. if you're looking for a sneak peek or two to tide you over in the meantime, i'm including snippets from tales, wringing, and a SECRET MYSTERY PROJECT under the cut.

as always, hope you're hanging in there, and hope you're taking care of yourself as best you can, whatever that looks like for you <333

the tale(s) of the champion

“I’m not proud of my time in Kirkwall, Inquisitor,” Cullen said sharply, an answer to an accusation she hadn’t raised. “All I did then, I did to fulfill the duty expected of me, but even so there are things I said, things I did, things…” The muscles of his jaw clenched and unclenched over his working throat. “…things allowed to happen under my watch, which I regret so thoroughly as to know they will follow me well into my grave. But the actions I’ve taken against Hawke and her cohort—ordered or otherwise? No.” A brisk shake of his head. “Those I do not regret in the slightest.”

It was times like these, times where the tension crackled like ozone before a storm, that made her worry for the whole of the Inquisition. For Thedas, really. There she was, meant to be their benevolent leader, even-tempered and understanding, and instead of backing away with arms raised to allow the situation to defuse, she ground her boot that much harder into the softer bits offered up to her, hoping to wring out as much blood as she could before the wound scabbed over.

It was times like these that she worried the Chantry was right, that she’d never be accepted as the voice of the people, as a protector and guide; maybe she’d always be who she’d been before the Conclave…no matter how brightly her armor shone.

“You make her sound like a monster.”

Cullen scoffed. “A criminal.”

“Is there a difference?”

like wringing blood from a stone

A branch snapped behind him.

And something let out a deep, growling breath.

Bobby didn’t whip himself around. Everybody else could say and think what they wanted, but he wasn’t any fucking moron—you didn’t make sudden moves when you were being tracked. Hunted. He knew that same as he knew his own name.

What he did instead was jam as much of his weight as he could against the door, grimacing with effort when his shoulder made contact. Inside, he heard Mom scream.

“Don’t you let him in here, Jed!”

“No one’s gettin’ in.”

“DON’T YOU LET HIM IN THIS GODDAMN HO—”

He didn’t wait to hear her finish the sentence. Nah, he hauled back and kicked the door with every ounce of force he could muster. But even though he did it the same way he’d seen Uncle Jack do a million times before, it didn’t budge.

Mom just screamed again.

The sound made his skin stand up, not like goosebumps or shivers, more like the hot, stinging welts you got from snapping a rubber band or touching poison oak. It was a sickish feeling, making his palms sweat and his vision double. He didn’t know if he wanted to puke, scream, dig his fingers into his own skin…or maybe just curl up there on the porch and cry until he couldn’t anymore. In the end, he split the difference.

SUPER SECRET MYSTERY PROJECT WOOoOoOoOoOO

Her breath hitched as she saw a sliver of moonlight ahead. Emily pushed away the horrible, impossible, image of Beth’s rotting face and surged forward the last few meters to the doors. She slid between them before slamming them shut, her hands chapping in the cold even as she yanked the latching bar down into place. The doors rocked under her palms, and the thing she’d locked inside shrieked in fury as obvious as it was alien. She could feel it beat against the doors with fists the size of her head, felt it fight to get to her, but no matter how the doors shook on their hinges, the latch held.

Her body slumped as her exhaustion caught up with her. A breath tore out of her in a shaking, ragged sob…or maybe it was a laugh. From where she stood, it was impossible to tell.

And then something grabbed her.

Too tired to fight, too tired to run, too tired to do so much as gasp in surprise, Emily found herself yanked away from the doors and around a bend, her point of view torn suddenly from the mine’s processing facility to the trees. That wasn’t the most worrying part, though.

That was the hand.

It came to her in pieces-parts, her panic growing with each revelation. First was the hand on her face, clutching her so tightly it hurt; it covered her mouth, it squished her nose, leaving her only one nostril to breathe from—not nearly enough for her to catch her breath. There was another hand too, its heel pressed hard to the spot below her ribs where her stomach began, the fingers gripping so hard she could feel them through her jacket. Her leather jacket. And the body…the body she registered last, solid and sinewy and pressed flush to her back. She could feel the rise and fall of the chest at her shoulder blades. There was hot breath displacing her hair.

When finally her brain put it all together, her hands snapped up to beat at the one covering her face, pulling and scratching—anything to get even a little more air into her lungs.  

It was the wrong thing to do. The hand only gripped her harder, tightening until the soft, fleshy insides of her cheeks ground into her teeth.

[livingunderlies]

Part three of the incorrect quotes post😊😆😆

Mc: I don’t think the therapist is supposed to say ‘wow’ that many times during their first session with a client, but here we are.

Mc: I got an idea! Bill: Does it involve breaking the law? Mc: By now don’t you think that’s a given? Bill: I was just trying to be optimistic. Mc: Don’t bother.

*The Squad is on a hike* Penny : It’s beautiful out here. Andre: And quiet. Badeea: Too quiet. Mc: Did we lose someone? *cut to Barnaby with a bear in a headlock*

Mc : *bites lip* Has anyone ever told you how beautiful you are? Cop: That isn’t gonna work, hands behind your back.

Tonks: Chiara? I mixed redbull with coffee and now I can see sounds, should I worry? Chiara: Tonks, I swear to god—

Andre: I love making parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here.”

Victor: Is Mc always like this when they lose? Penny: Oh, yes. You should've been there for the Great Jenga Tantrum of 2015. Mc : You bumped that table and you know it!

Talbott , looking over Badeea shoulder: You can draw? Badeea, stopping what they were doing: You can speak?

Jae : ‘Technically legal’, the two best words in the the English language, right before ‘cowboy spectacular.'

Andre: Where’s Mc? Talbott : Around. Andre: Around? Andre: You don’t have any idea, do you? Mc , dropping down from above: Did you know there’s a space above the ceiling?

Talbott : I just wanted to say that over the years, I have come to regard you as… people I met.

Mc: What have you done with Chiara? Jae: Nothing. Why, do you think I should?

Mc : My future partner must be brave, strong, intelligent, successful and organized. Barnaby: *steps on a caterpillar and proceeds to drop to their knees and sob while apologizing profusely* Mc : That one. I want that one.

*out grocery shopping* Barnaby: *takes a free sample twice* Barnaby: Robbery and Fraud. I am a Rebel.

Orion: Oh god, they texted you ‘hi.’’ punctuation only means one thing, Mc . They're mad at you. Mc: No, it's Murphy. They're just being gramatically correct! *meanwhile* Murphy: And then I used a period so they'd know that I'm mad at them. Skye: A period doesn't say 'I'm mad', it says 'you're dead to me'. Murphy: I stand by my choice.

Orion: Whose turn is it to give the pep-talk? Murphy: *sighing* Mc. Mc : Fuck shit up out there, but don’t die. Skye: *wiping away a tear* So inspirational.

Murphy: We call that a traumatic experience. Murphy, turning to Mc : Not a "bruh moment". Murphy, turning to Orion: Not "sadge". Murphy, turning to Skye: And DEFINITELY not an "oof LMAO".

The Squad: *walking at the mall* Mc : Hey, have any of you guys seen Talbott ? They’ve been gone for a while.. Penny: Eh, nope. Jae : No, I haven’t... Badeea: Probably ran off to McDonald’s or something. Talbott : Hey. Mc: Ooh, there you are- Chiara: What the fu- Penny: I- where were you?! Talbott : Walking right behind you guys.

Tulip: Hello friends! The Squad: Tulip: You might be wondering why I’m taped to the ceiling.

Mc : ARE YOU- Skye: Fucking. Mc : KIDDING ME?! YOU- Skye: Fucking. Mc : IDIOT! Orion: …What was that? Skye: Murphy banned Mc from swearing, so I’m helping them out.

*Corey is fighting a monster* Mc : Just stay calm! You already have everything you need to beat it! Corey: The power to believe in myself!? Mc : No, a knife! Stab it!

Talbott: The only thing keeping me from running away and hiding from society for the rest of my life is spite. I could disappear forever, but there are some bitches whose downfalls I have yet to witness, and I wanna be around when that happens.

Mc : Erika, my old friend! Erika: I think you tried to kill me at some point.

Mc : That was obviously just my way of getting to know you.

Talbott : Love is weakness and an evolutionary mistake. Badeea: You are literally making a Valentine’s day card for Penny. Talbott , pointing their hot glue gun towards Badeea: You’re on thin fucking ice.

Diego : That shirt looks great, Jae . Jae : Thanks. Diego : But I bet it would look even better on Chiara's floor. Chiara: Are you hitting on Jae ... for me?

Jae : I have very high standards, you know. Chiara: I can make spaghetti... Jae : Oh no! You're meeting all my standards!

Mc: When I see initials carved into a tree with a heart I think it’s so romantic. Two lovers on a date... one of them carrying a knife for some reason.

Mc: Sorry I can’t be emotionally vulnerable with you it’d ruin the mystery.

Mc: I never understood why people cared so much about their dumb friends until I got a dumb friend myself. Mc: *Picks up Barnaby* Mc : I’ve only befriended Barnaby for a day and a half, but if anything happened to them I would kill everyone in this room and then my self.

Tulip: I honestly feel like some of our conversations here are almost word-for-word accurate to the generator. Andre: Yup. Mc : Maybe the generator is watching us. Tulip: Wouldn't that imply this conversation will be added? Tulip: ... Tulip: Wait—

[valiantxunion]

@talesofourworlds - continued from here [x]

Normally a job like this would be a cinch. He had climbed down the Hollow before and in the future, he probably could do it again. It wasn’t an easy climb by any means but Yuri was fit enough to handle it. At least better than a good majority of their party could have when they had first visited the location. As for the job, he and Karol had accepted it the day before with the plan of Yuri, Repede and Raven taking care of this one while Karol went with Judith to work on a different task.

More work simply equaled more gald to help improve their guild. Yuri never saw a problem with it.

Still, even when he woke up not feeling the greatest, he didn’t plan on letting that get in the way of getting this job done in a timely manner. The guy who had requested the flowers had given them a little bit of a time limit. His girlfriend’s birthday was in three days. It gave them a little room to work with but the sooner a job was done, the better their reputation got. So even if Yuri felt a little sluggish when leaving their base that day, he didn’t let it stop him from pushing forward.

As Ba’ul flew them over to Relewiese Hollow, Yuri began to feel slightly nauseous, having to spend a good majority of his time either holding onto the side of the ship for stability or hiding below deck to try and stop the room from spinning. He quickly splashed some water on his face and tried to just not think about it. It seemed to help a bit, at least a little. At the very least, the others hadn’t noticed.

The chills began on their climb down the hollow. On top of that, the fatigue and weakness began to settle in the longer they walked. He was still thankfully able to hold his own against a few of the monsters they came across but the bastards still managed to get a few lucky hits in. Nothing that an apple or lemon gel couldn’t fix. Still, it was becoming more and more apparent the further they went that Yuri was getting increasingly sicker.

Oh, he was definitely getting chewed out for this one.

It’s when he began to trail behind Raven and Repede that it really hit. His knee nearly buckled beneath him and he had to physically stop walking in order to double over and just catch his breath. And they still had to climb back up the cavern as well. Maybe with a little bit of rest, he could manage it but now his face was feeling all hot while his body was freezing.

This is karma for pushing himself, he supposed.

“Nah… I don’t… need you to carry me, Old man.” He answers but suddenly Yuri’s not sure at this rate. He felt awful right now. Standing up straight, he tries to take a few steps over to where Raven was but eventually, he had to just admit defeat and moved to sit down on a sizable rock nearby. When Repede follows, another low whine escaping from the canine, Yuri sluggishly reaches over to pet the poor worried pup. “And the monsters got a few hits in but nothing worse than usual. It’ll… probably just leave bruises.”

Yuri moves to run a hand down his warm face as he takes a couple of breaths. “Just feeling a little exhausted is all...” That was an understatement. He really felt like he was going to pass out. “Just… might need a couple of minutes. Think you and Repede can get the flowers in the meantime…?”

[devildom-moss]

@stabbylikesnukes @ruksahiroku

I don’t feel like replying from main right now, and I hope you don’t mind me just tagging and replying this way.

First! Don’t worry. If it’s any consolation, requests open again on Halloween (not sure for how long yet). These things occur, unfortunately.

Second, my bad! I will be clear about that distinction in the future TT^TT it didn’t occur to me that misunderstanding would happen since it was already implied to be character x reader in the original post. I probably should have put “threesome” in the parentheses. I just didn’t want to seem like I was committing to writing both characters individually.

But finally, dammit! Now I have ideas for both Barbatos x Mephi x MC and Barbatos x Mephistopheles smut. (But still no tame-ish Barbatos monster smut ideas)

Y’all accidentally put ideas in my head. Watch I’m going to end up with enough smut ideas by the end of the month to do bi-weekly pro-nut November posts.

In case anyone is interested in what some of those are (there’s no way I can get to them all in one month, though), check below the cut.

Be warned, some of the ideas are little messed up or out there, but it's all really short summaries, so you should be fine:

Implied!caught while giving Diavolo a blowjob under his desk (with a little extra spice of having to be quiet while holding him in your mouth)

The unnecessarily sensual image of Beelzebub eating a mango leads to MC pouncing on him

Mephisto’s performance pt. 2 (still messed up, but a little less sad maybe?, more religious undertones, more plot)

Messed up Barbatos Nightbringer AU - mosterfucker, breeding kink, ovipos

Smut mini series - the characters ask MC sexy questions (such as which position they like having sex in with them the most), and MC responds in vivid detail.

Solomon fixes MC’s sudden unquenchable thirst (lust), pretty messed up, amab!MC (or some magical sex swap going on), magic as a form of drugging, overstim, Solomon being a fucker in more ways than one, dubcon

Simeon angst smut; MC has feelings (romantic and sexual) for someone (I don’t know, probably Lucifer, Raphael, or Michael), but they don’t reciprocate. Simeon offers to be a substitute and does everything MC imagines their crush doing to them.

And now:

Barbatos keeping Mephisto “entertained” while Diavolo finishes his paperwork; light brat-taming vibes

Barbatos catches Mephisto and MC getting hot and heavy on RAD premises and decides that a punishment is in order

Edit: can you believe I still forgot one? Oops

Diavolo and Barbatos let MC loose in the labyrinth under the castle and give them a head start before they go on the hunt to find them; primal play, interrupted solo with Barbs, dp "sharing is caring, but they’re still mine" mentality

[cat-esper]

therizinosaurus - share a scene that you’ve put a lot of work into and stegosaurus - share a humorous scene for the ask game?

Hey, thanks for the ask!

Therizinosaurus - share a scene that you've put a lot of work into

For this one, I'm going to share a snippet from Music of the Spheres, the book that will ultimately be the death of me. It's already been through what feels like a million iterations, but probably the bit I've worked on the most, aside from the first chapter, is the Monster Chapter (I've since chopped it up into smaller chapters but it will always be the Monster Chapter to me), which looks nothing like it did in draft 1 and will likely look nothing like the final draft. Still, here's a piece of it:

“Give as much as you can to the shields and bring us hard to starboard. Don’t compensate for rotational drift. Fire when ready.” It was maddening. It was all I could do not to tear my hair out. Pacing wouldn’t help. What was going on here? Were we losing? From the looks of it, we were losing. Another jolt came. And another. Everyone looked worried. Kri looked worried. I’m pretty sure I looked worried. “Shields down, attempting to compensate.” “Hull breach on Deck E.” Oh god, we were losing. “There are too many of them,” I said. I imagined what it would be like to lose life support, to get sucked into the vacuum of space and die. It always seemed like an unpleasant way to go. I clenched and unclenched my fists, sweat seeping through the bandages. Every shudder threw me against the wall and every shudder might have been the last. People were talking over each other, giving status reports that kept getting worse and worse as we tried to run. “Engines failing.” “Do we abandon ship?” I could only see the back of Captain Holt’s head but I imagined the grim look on her face. “The Krintoc will pick us off.” “We're drifting toward the planet. I'm getting nothing from the engines." “Everyone, brace for impact.” Oh god. Oh god, oh god, oh god. I reached for the nearest chair and grabbed onto it, thankful it was bolted down. We were going to crash. My skin went hot and then cold. We were going to crash. Kri knelt next to me. I hadn’t even realized I’d gotten on the floor. All around me, I heard, “All hands. We are planet bound. Brace for impact. All hands. We are planet bound.”

Stegosaurus - share a humorous scene

This one's from The Last Paladin, book 1:

“Imagine me knowing two famous people,” Alexos said once they’d gotten sandwiches which were close enough to recognizable that Chelsea had no qualms about stuffing her face with them. “I’m not famous,” Chelsea said, starting to wish he would get over his obsession with the fact that she had spoken to Shay Finnegan a grand total of one time. “Are you famous?” she joked, looking at Chyan. “Uh…” Chyan quickly took a bite of her sandwich. “What? No way…” “Yes way,” Alexos chimed in. “You don’t know who this is? Of course not, you’ve lived on backwater, tiny marble Earth your whole life, you poor potato.” “Hey.” “Her father is Leyar of Caim. Robotics engineer. His partner is Dr. Kane effing Laakkonen. They took AI up to the next level. I bet you never heard of Eremon either. Most sophisticated android ever created. You can’t tell the difference between him or a Denebian. Looks close enough to pass for human too.” Alexos put a hand on his heart, sweeping the hair out of his face. “In an expanding universe, it’s not the gods who rule. It’s Laakkonen AI. Longevity, perseverance, discovery. Breaking the boundaries to see the future,” he said in an announcer’s voice like he was imitating an advertisement. “Shh. Sit down.” Chyan tugged on his shirt and he promptly plopped back down. He ran a hand through his hair. “I have done my humble duty introducing you two. Chelsea, I won’t take it personally if you run off to see this ground-breaking technology and leave poor old me behind.”

[bylerschmyler]

So I was scrolling through tumblr and saw a pic of Mike and Will at Halloween in the basement in front off this poster.

The poster is in the basement in S1 and S2 and El got in her room in S3 and S4.

I know that some people already analyzed this thing so I might just be repeating stuff for some off you.

But the interesting thing about this is the fact that the basketball game in S4 is between the Hawkins High Tigers and the Jordan High Falcons

So I got hooked up again and took a look at falcons and their meaning.

Falcons embody victory, rulership, and overcoming. However, like other birds, falcons can also represent a connection to the spirit world

(Source: https://a-z-animals.com/blog/falcon-spirit-animal-symbolism-meaning/)

It's interesting that the byler/mlvn love triangle is visualized with the falcon poster. If falcons embody victory it seems likely that El, Mike and Will as trio are crucial for their victory against Vecna. Obviously we already now that Els powers are important and that Will have an important role in S5 but it also points out that Mike's role in S5 is significant. Seeing how the plan off the Hawkins Gang failed and knowing how Mike already talked about how you can't shoot the UD-monsters and don't win if you just burn them it is very obvious that the plan would have been different if Mike had been there.

The Overcoming part in the symbolism is also very interesting. I wonder what the might overcome (Gay Love saves the day).

Positive characteristics of the falcon : 

Ambitious

Outgoing

Natural Leader

Strategic

Decision Maker

Visionary

Problem Solver

Thrives under Pressure

Mike represents basically all of the positive characteristics of the falcon.

Negative characteristics of the falcon:

Impatient

Prone to taking risks

Impulsive

Easily distracted

Hot-headed

Aggressive behavior

Obsession with power and control

Unforgiving

Self-centeredness

Superiority complex

Most off the negative characteristics are also very Mike-Like. Easily distracted, Aggressive behavior and Superiority complex are not very fitting but the rest is right on the money.

If you see a falcon, it means you’re approaching a new chapter in your life — an opportunity to soar to new heights. The falcon is a reminder to look ahead and focus on the future. Don’t let your past experiences hold you back; use them as stepping stones to success.

The falcon also represents wisdom, so it’s a sign that you should trust your intuition and make decisions wisely. Take time to reflect upon your choices before making them. This animal guide is caring and wise beyond your years. Reflecting on choices with a falcon outlook will help you avoid emotional obstacles.

The falcon is often a reminder to stay free with your mind and body and be brave. This could mean trying new things, even if you need to improve immediately.

Let the falcon encourage you to play! Dance in public, play a new sport, and tag with friends. Be free with how you move and walk. The way you move matters. Express yourself without holding back.

Falcons don’t worry about how they look, and neither should you! You’re perfect just as you are, and you deserve to feel good.

Falcon sightings can represent freedom, intuition, protection, and vision. When you call upon this spirit animal for guidance and understanding, it will help you soar to new heights and open your eyes to a new world of possibilities.

So the falcon sighting is basically a step Mike has to take. He has to trust his intuition (which will draw him to Will) and he has to express himself without holding back (talking about his trauma) so he can finally overcome the things that take him down (Internalized homophobia).

The falcon symbolizes freedom, intuition, and bravery. Falcons have a keen eye for detail and never miss an opportunity. Listen to your intuition and trust your gut instinct.

Falcons are also associated with victory, guardianship, and protection. When you have the falcon as your spirit animal, you are a warrior defending what’s important to you. You will fight for justice and protect those around you from harm, even if it means putting yourself in danger. 

Mike Wheeler -> Falcon

(The newspaper article is actually pretty funny if you read through it)

[munchflix]

MONSTERFUCKER TIER LIST

Munch: I think we should start with the classics.

Biscuits: That's all you have to say for yourself? I will say that I suggested this as a joke - I will take the blame, but I didn't expect Munch to go along with it. But now we're in too deep. We can't back out. I guess we're doing this. Do you want to delineate your parameters?

M: Yes, but know that I will probably break them. Also, you started this. My brain just wouldn't let go of logistics. 1 - they must be an ADULT.  2 - they must either have multiple iterations or movies.  3 - they must be ICONIC. I think we should start with the obvious - fuckin' Dracula.

B: Well, obviously S Tier, but do we need to expound?

M: I mean, there's been a billion versions, but they're all pretty sexy.

B: Hell, you seen the Coppola movie? Dracula and Johnathan Harker? I'd fuck them both at once.

M: Alright, then, moving on. We'll just go straight for the Wolfman. Or werewolves in general.

B: Obviously also S Tier. I'm not a furry-

M: *laughs*

B: Werewolves are hot. You don't have to be a furry to want to fuck a sexy wolf-man. I will stand by this claim.

M: Ok. *wheezing*

B: Stop laughing!

M: I'm not gonna argue with you. Moving on. Frankenstein.

B: The monster or the man?

M: The monster!

B: Ok. I mean, in the novel, he was quite well-spoken and supposedly attractive. M: Hollywood turned him into the cut-up amalgam with zero braincells.

B: Ok, himbo.

M: Definitely worth a cuddle. I dunno...I'd put that in A Tier.

B: I'll agree. Next?

M: Phantom of the Opera. I mean, depending on the version...

B: You're gonna sit here and try to tell me that you've not wanted to fuck the Phantom of the Opera for the last 25 years?

M: Nope. I'm not. S Tier.

B: Alright. Agreed. Moving on.

M: The Mummy

B: Now this is where things get interesting. He has been dead for like...hella long. I worry about the logistics, 'cause he's like dust. I mean, I seen the Brendan Fraser movie, Imhotep was not bad lookin, before he became a CG dead guy.

M: But we have to assume that it's the dead dusty version.

B: Again, I just think logistically, there's gonna be problems. C Tier? I feel like we have space to go downhill from here.

M: Did you wanna do the Creature From The Black Lagoon?

B: Sure, Guillermo Del Toro proved that it's hip to fuck fish.

M: I don't have any response to that. I'd rather fuck the fish-man from the Shape of Water? But I'd rather not fuck either of them. I would C Tier that shit.

B: You're being generous, C Tiering the fish man. But that just proves that we have lower to descend.

M: Now we're gonna get into the more slasher-y guys. Ok... Michael Myers. He's...just a dude. He's obviously built different, but appearance wise, he's just a dude.

B: I'm just imagining his DBD stun sound. B Tier. I could accept A Tier.

M: Rob Zombie Michael might be A Tier, that dude's a unit.

B: Are we classifying them separately?

M: Nah, let's put him in A Tier. Now, Leatherface

B: Again, there's been a number of versions.

M: I don't wanna fuck any of them! Even if he is just a dude.

B: The only difference is his mask is made of human skin. I don't think it's that bad of an option. If you wanna talk UNITS, remember Gunnar Hansen, who played Leatherface in the original, was like 6'7". BEEG boy. He seems like he could be gentle, if you asked him.

M: *dissociating* The human skin is a factor here.

B: You brought this on yourself. You invoked this. B tier? Ok, I don't think he's that far beneath Michael. Really. But I'll accept B.

M: Uhh...Jason

B: This one is a bit spicier. Jason has been everything from a deformed man to a lube-covered zombie to an evil terminator from the future. On the plus side, an infinite supply of lube from his algae-covered zombie body.

M: And yet...a shocking number of people want to buff this dude.

B: This isn't about a shocking number of people - this is about you and me, bro. M: The fucked-up thing is I'm going to be like, "I wouldn't fuck Jason but I would fuck Godzilla."

B: So I'm a furry, and you're a scaly.

(Dib: And God is...so far away)

B: Do I look like someone who cares what God thinks? Anyways, the point is, how fuckable is Jason Voorhees?

M: I'm gonna put that in C Tier. He's a zombie for too many movies.

B: OK. Fair.

M: Um...Freddy? I mean...he's charming?

B: Does him being a child molester factor in here?

M: Yes.

B: Well, he was only really a child molester in the remake. In the original he was just a murderer. They didn't really take that angle.

M: The remake doesn't count. Child murder still pretty bad though.

B: I hate to break it to you, but there's gonna be a lot of murder here.

M: Also, he's all burnt. And gross.

B: Motherfucker looks like Pizza Hut cheese sticks. Also, the claw might get in the way. Avoid the swipes. C Tier? B Tier?

M: Yeah, C Tier... Pinhead.

B: S Tier.

M: Elaborate on that?

B: No.

M: I agree. Okay, umm...Ghostface?

B: Ghostface is different people in every movie.

M: For the purposes of this, it is just the first incarnations.

B: Ok...but they are both kinda greasy and I don't want to fuck either of them.

M: All love to Matthew Lilliard, but neither do I. So...

B: C Tier. I'd rather not. I like how I have ranked Leatherface above two normal men.

M: Well, we both ranked Pinhead above two normal men too, so... Next we're gonna do my boy Candyman, who is obviously S Tier.

B: OBJECTION - the bees. Yes, he's handsome and all that, but the bees.

M: Get an epi-pen.

B: I suppose I will accept S Tier. Tony Todd is hot and all, but I still have apprehensions about the bees.

M: Umm...Pennywise?

B: Uhh...

M: If you're really into foreheads.

B: I'd rather not. Maybe this will be bad news for my ass. I think...I won't. Sorry, clown fuckers, you can have him. That's the end of discussion.

M: Jigsaw.

B: Well, he's old - not that that's ever stopped me - but he is also kind of dying of cancer.

M: Not to mention he puts people into deathtraps. Can you imagine the after-sex conversation with that guy?

B: It'd be interesting. I think the whole 'literally dying' thing might cause some problems, so...

M: C Tier?

B: Yeah, I mean, over Pennywise, definitely. Next?

M: Amanda Young - one of the few female entries on this list.

B: I love Amanda, she's my favorite character in the SAW movies. A bit crazy, but I mean, I'm also not really sexually attracted to women. But you could do a lot worse.

M: Honestly, I think her unconditional devotion to Jigsaw is gonna be the biggest problem here. I mean, I'n not particularly attracted to Shawnee Smith (and I am attracted to women), but...A Tier?

B: Sure, we'll be nice.

M: On that note, let's do the other female one - Sil from Species. Who is kinda verging into the monster territory. She was mostly human though.

B: I mean, Pennywise was also a shape-shifting monster. But he's a clown and Sil just looks like a blond lady most of the time.

M: A naked blond lady.

B: Well, she is really horny. That's kind of her whole thing.

M: And yet - my desire to fuck her is so low. Plus, we couldn't reproduce, so I don't think she'd have any interest in me.

B: Where does that put our lovely lady?

M: B Tier I suppose. Next...Hannibal Lecter?

B: Are we talking the movies or the TV show?

M: I'm gonna say both - separate rankings. They're so different.

B: Well Mads Mikkelsen's Hannibal is obviously top tier. He's also obviously a top, but we haven't been factoring that in thus far. The whole point of the show was that you wanted to fuck him.

M: Uhh, *I* haven't been factoring that in. But I would still put Mads Hannibal in S Tier. Anthony Hopkins Hannibal? I'd rather not. He's kind of greasy and sleazy.

B: Eh...yeah.

M: Norman Bates.

B: S Tier.

M: ...More for you.

B: All love to Anthony Perkins, rest in peace, he was very cute. I mean the whole mom thing...

M: Two words: Mommy issues.

B: How is that worse than bees?!

M: The bees are metaphysical.

B: So are the mommy issues.

M: Okay...so where are you ranking this dude? This sad, pathetic little wet man?

B: Still S Tier.

M: Okay, the Tall Man is still in the humanoid-ish category, though technically he's an alien...I think?

B: You could glean anything from any of those movies? Anyways, the guy bleeds mustard, so god knows what kind of fluids would come out of him during intercourse. I don't really wanna think about it.

M: I'm gonna put that in bad for my ass tier. The jawas might be involved. Alright! Let's do the terminator.

B: Well, there's been a lot of terminators.

M: The first one was pretty fuckable though.

B: Also, an indestructable robot from the future.

M: That's not a deterrent.

B: Ok, fair. S Tier?

M: S Tier. Okay..let's just throw Chucky in there and get it over with.

B: Yeah, this is gonna be bad for my ass. The mere logistics make this already a non-starter.

M: We know he's capable of it.

B: Unfortunately. Those movies really got fuckin weird, didn't they? Voodoo magic I guess.

M: And the Bride of Chucky - what was her name? Tiffany Valentine.

B: Also bottom tier.

M: I've had a crush on Jennifer Tilly forever, but not as a doll.

B: We're not going any further into doll territory. We're ending the conversation here.

M: However, we are going much deeper into monster territory. We're gonna start with the predator. Ok, I have some things to say here. I fucking love the design of this monster. It is so fucking cool. The version from Prey made me very happy, but I have seen some things on my tumblr though after reblogging some gifs of it. THINGS. You know who you are. I will say, before the mask comes off, he's not bad!

B: Just kind of a buff dude with scales. He's got claws, that's fine.

M: The mask comes off and then it's a weird bug alien head that is never coming anywhere near me or my genitals.

B: Predator is obviously a butterface.

M: I can see why you all get excited, but like...how are we reconciling the horrifying bug parts? You all are just down for that?

B: I never said I was down for anything.

M: Also they're kinda hellbent on killing humans, but there was that one Chad Predator in Alien vs Predator with Lance Henriksen. I'd probably fuck that Predator.

B: You've been complaining about predator fuckers but now we can't put that dude that low on the list!

M: As long as he keeps his mask on.

B: Michael Myers and Jason are probably also keeping the masks on.

M: That is a factor though. I'd be more likely to fuck Jason if I couldn't see his face. B tier.

B: I think there's worse options on this list.

M: Xenomorph. Okay so...canonically....in Alien 4.....Ripley fucks a xenomorph. It's not even that graphic. I know there's a lot of people out there who are way into this, I'm not really down that bad.

B: There's some people who wish Alien Vs Predator had just been a porno.

M: Again...it's a fucking cool monster.

B: That sounds like monster fucker talk to me.

M: I can appreciate the design without wanting to fuck it. Also....acid blood....so god knows what's coming out the other parts. It seems just like an all around dangerous situation.

B: Also kind of bloodthirsty alien monster.

M: I'd put that in bad for my ass tier.

B: The xeno doesn't pass the Harkness test. A lot of these don't.

M: The Predator could but we're not talking about that now. That's a whole other tier ranking. Are you in agreement?

B: Yeah, bad for my ass tier.

M: Pyramid head. Is that one word or two? I don't know.

B: He is canonically dummy thicc. Double cheeked up.

M: I think this gets into logistics again though. How would you even manage it with that thing on his head?

B: He really is just a buff dude with a giant thing on his head though. Just lay him down. Can Pyramid head even lay down?

M: See...this is what I mean. Supposing that it's logistically possible, is he fuckable?

B: I think he might also not pass the Harkness test. Does he have an intellect?

M: Why is this suddenly a factor? We never considered that before. Of course, most of them were humanoid or human so....I guess consent is a factor. SO....assuming he's consenting, and assuming it's possible....would you fuck Pyramidhead?

B: Why are you asking ME? Why is this burden on me?

M: Okay fine. I'd probably fuck Pyramid head. B tier.

B: He is conceptually just a buff dude with a pyramid head.

M: Pumpkinhead. Again...fucking cool creature design...I'm not fucking that thing. It is legit terrifying.

B: Kinda gross, not gonna lie. Not really any redeeming qualities.

M: Bad for my ass tier and I feel bad for that because he's very cool but....Okay....The Creeper. We're gonna pretend like the dude who made these isn't the grossest person ever. It's not relevant.

B: That's not what we're dealing with in this particular instance.

M: He's pretty wild. He's got wings, he can regenerate body parts, he's only active once every 23 years or some shit so you'd have to hit that while you could.

B: Well Pennywise is only active like every 27 to 30 years so...

M: I think he's actually more fuckable than Pennywise, but...he also has the gross bug face thing. Also eats people. Lots of people eating going on here. Mostly just looks like a dude in his normal state.

B: Not like insanely fuckable but...C tier?

M: Yeah okay. What's next? We're getting into some really weird shit here. Slenderman. He's been in a couple of films and they were all bad. But he's iconic. Does he pass the Harkness test? Probably not.

B: He's kinda of an amorphous folkloric character. We all know he lives in a mansion in the woods with Jeff the Killer and Eyeless Jack and all those other dudes from your spooky spaghettis.

M: *laughs* Spooky spaghetti??

B: You've never heard that before? Would I fuck Slenderman though? Well, everybody's crazy about a sharp dressed man.

M: He does have those tentacle things.

B: Is that a plus or a minus?

M: For me a minus, but there's also the child murder. Also the static and weird silence during sex would be so strange. Hard pass.

B: I'd rather not.

M: Same. C tier. The Thing, from the movie The Thing. We're gonna have to get into some logistics here.

B: It CAN take a human form, but I think it procreates just by cell division. I don't know if it would even be interested.

M: Procreation is not a factor. Would you knowingly fuck it in human form?

B: No, it scares me.

M: It would probably just eat us. So...no. Bad for my ass. Going even deeper...The Blob. Would also probably just eat you.

B: It's not gonna be that bad for your ass though, it's basically just jelly.

M: It's gonna be bad for every part of you! It's acidic! It dissolves people! And asses!

B: I think it's still gonna be bad for your ass.

M: Nothing really fuckable here though. It doesn't even have a shape. Bottom tier.

B: Okay....Godzilla.

M: S tier. Would absolutely fuck. I would die....but I would die having fucked Godzilla.

B: Why are you into this? This is still gonna be really bad for your ass though.

M: It's a risk i'm willing to take.

B: People are gonna think you're joking and you're not.

M: I'm absolutely not. Are we divided on this?

B: I think we're pretty divided on this. Both tiers at once. We've got some miscellany here. A couple of random ones. Bruce, the shark from Jaws. Reminder, Munch made this list. Anyways, the logistics are just not good. First of all, you're gonna have to get under the shark. You're gonna have to be underwater, holding on for dear life.

M: You suggested the shark. I'm with you on this. Also I don't want to fuck a shark.

B: It's not ideal. Bad for my ass tier.

M: Okay we're gonna give Nosferatu/Count Orlock his own thang. He's a very different version of a vampire. He is not what most would call sexy, but to each their own.

B: He's more fuckable than a shark.

M: Absolutely. There was the Werner Herzog movie that was kind of absurdly horny.

B: He's just a weird looking guy with big teeth.

M: He's fine. I'd B tier that actually, comparatively.

B: The Babadook from the movie, The Babadook. Who, from what I understand, is just kind of a weird goth guy with a big mouth and very long fingers.

M: The illustrated version of him was far more frightening. He did only have the one movie, but he's iconic. Also an LBGTQ icon so....I'd probably hit that. Like Pyramidhead, he's just a manifestation of grief so...

B: Funeral sex!

M: B tier? You could do worse.

B: A tier, he deserves it. Are we gonna do The Nun or just leave it?

M: I think we just leave it. How do we top the Babadook?

B: This whole thing has been about how we're gonna top the Babadook!

M: I feel like this is saying a lot of things about us that probably shouldn't be out there on the internet, but then again, we saw someone make a horny post about Bill Barr. I've seen some things on my feed that make me feel so very normal. So very vanilla.

B: We've seen things that people should have probably thought about before they put them out on the internet, and I write fanfiction. You have to write it out and then hit post. You have time to think about what you're saying.

M: Also, this is a COMEDY SHOW.

B: It's funny. Abs hurt from laughing at own jokes.

M: We're fucking hysterical, and apparently down for fucking some monsters.

B: We're down pretty bad. Munch and Biscuits out, yo.

[thedandelionthief]

one of your aftg guys for blorbo bingo !!

you get three of them because i’m insane

in order it’s neil, andrew, renee

NEIL. NEIL JOSTEN THE ONE AND ONLY. i heard they’re making a new mental illness for him in the dsm 6. this guy has been through literally every bad thing possible and yet he’s still so. himself. and i absolutely love him for it. the character development is INSANE whenever he calls the foxes his family it makes me violently sob and shake my kindle at impossible speeds. i would love to give him some hot soup. he’s also one of the funniest protagonists in any book series ever? i love characters who have 0 filter and are incredibly sarcastic and snarky (that word makes me violent but it’s the best way to describe it). whenever he insulted riko i cheered for him out loud. it’s crazy how a character with this much tragedy going on in his life that has made me cry and be more worried for a character than i ever have in my life (the countdown literally made me sick), he also has some of the funniest lines in anything i’ve read ever. he’s such a guy i love him so much and i want only the best for him in his future

andrew on the other hand IS literally the blood that courses through my veins hes my everything and i fully support every bad decision he has ever made. when i was first reading the foxhole court i was like “this guy sucks as a person” and then i got halfway through the book and realized that he’s actually like. a very caring and protective guy who just wants the best for his family and the few people he chooses to let in even though he goes about it in very unorthodox and destructive ways (such as murder. i’m talking about murder. he killed his twin brother’s mom). but even then it all makes SENSE. like he doesn’t act without reason at all and i think there’s so much depth to his character that you don’t see at first and it’s interesting how that parallels with the whole monster branding and how the other foxes see him… also his thing with promises makes me INSANE i could write a five page essay. he’s not as well. funny as neil?? so this section probably seems a bit more serious. he’s so intense all the time, but he definitely does have his funny moments, usually with some really good sarcasm which once again i love more than anything. overall his methods must have rubbed off on me because i was fully prepared to kill everyone who has ever hurt him after finishing the series

and renee!!!! <3 she was originally my favorite character and then i fell down a rabbit hole of andrew minyard insanity. but i still love her SO MUCH. i think it’s really cool to see a christian character who is seen as calm and wise who is ALSO extremely skilled with knives and not afraid to hold her ground. the fact that nora makes a point of showing how her faith doesn’t take away from her strength but instead adds to it is. mwah chefs kiss. also she’s been through so much and still came out of it such a kind person. and she talks about how she CHOOSES to be a kind person. it isn’t something easy, she doesn’t just wake up every day and love her life because with everything going on around her and in her past that would be so difficult. but she chooses to try and be a good person even though she doesn’t believe that she is one. she’s just so important to me i love her and i need to give her a hug

if you read all that i’m sorry