#dont want to get too personal on this post but this year was. bad. but it's ok. we're pushing thru etc
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2023 was a very tough art year for me. i hit a massive creative block and experimented a lot in hopes that art will become fun for me again; can't say i wholly succeeded but i'm going to keep trying because no matter how hard it gets i never want to abandon making art. here's to a hopefully easier 2024. happy new year everyone
#art stuff#art summary#dont want to get too personal on this post but this year was. bad. but it's ok. we're pushing thru etc
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yknow at this point i have drawn so many images i can draw pretty fast now. i think that's the best outcome after years of tormenting over how slow of an artist i was. mainly bc i really had no idea what i was doing, so i would spend HOURS on just a full-body character design or something of the like. of course all the practice and time spent studying anatomy or color makes things easy now (also obsession but we already know about all that)
i think its hard to learn that not all your art is precious and by that i mean of course u cant create masterpieces in a day and shouldnt torment over not being able to get something right the first time. the silly doodles all count towards something. i joke about having perpetual wips but i think my favorite thing is saving past ideas and reworking them later just to see how they changed. bc art, like people, is so dynamic. constantly changing.
and the best feeling is making the art u imagined years ago come to life or you get a bit closer to producing the work that you saw in your head. mmmmm growth.
#i think it took years of pain and frustration and i still feel uneasy about my art but i aim to improve always so i think thats a good thing#like these days i dont really care about quality or what the people will like. i just draw whatever idea and post for funsies#and i want to be able to do that for a long time 😭#all my vent post are about art bc i dont wanna be too personal online LOL but I FEEL BAD I JUST HAVE A SERIOUS CASE OF IMPOSTER SYNDROME#SORRY#but yea i read every tag and the essay length ones always make me happy like thank you. <3 for simply looking at my art. it means a lot#im at a weird part of my life sorry if i get all sentimental and wistful i just. woa. art 🧍♂️
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lol, new fear unlocked: disappointing my therapist when i have bad days -_-
#this has been an original post#personal spewage#clouds gets therapy#like idk. i told her this week was gonna be tough for me bc of my period#but i also said last week was better than expected and she was so happy for me#and we were both so hopeful that this week would be better too#and then it. wasnt#well it wasnt all bad#but yesterday and today have sure sucked lol#im just so. mad#like. this is so unfair#i have a concert tonight that ive been looking forward to _literally all year_#technically since last year#but i have cramps and i couldnt sleep and its pouring out and i dont have rainboots and i just. cant#or dont want to. whichever#and i know its okay. i know ill get another chance to see him live (tonight wouldve been my 4th time seeing him anyway lol)#but i still just. want to go#i wish i wasnt in pain and exhausted and depressed and just. like this#i wish i wasnt like this#edit: was just reminded that this is actually the SECOND time i had tickets to see him live this year but couldnt go#fucking sucks man#at least i did get to see him live on my birthday#that was. the best
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venting sorry. i get emotional thinking of the media both me and my dad loved growing up and the father daughter bonds that were the highlights of those movies and tv shows to him and i feel like i failed
#my dad and i used to watch adventure time together and my dad LOVED simon and marcy and he learnt daddy why did you eat my fries on the#guitar and i used to sing it with him. and one time when i was 14 ish and severely depressed and anxious we had people over#and my dad was talking about adventure time lmao and was getting his guitar and wanted me to sing it with him and i just said NO.#because i was mad at him. and embarassed. and we never sung it together ever again. its been too long now. that window has closed.#but i wish we could#my relationships with my dad never really recovered after my teen years and its hard to talk to him.#i wish i could talk to him. we are really similar. in the bad ways too#vent#SORRY GUYS i need to find a therapist#my family just never talks abt their feelings. or when they do its when theyre angry. i dont feel like i can bring this up to them.#i just hate knowing i rejected my dad like that. he probably saw me not wanting to sing w him as very personal. not that hed ever say it#AND FUCKIN INTERSTELLAR me and my dad both loved interstellar at a time when i was -again- severely depressed and locking myself in my room#and the father and daughter go have scenes that feel very similar to things that were going on in my house at the time. where shes#baracading the door and not letting people in. it rly hit home is what im saying#and my dad loved the movie i loved it too but the family relationships in the movie were never discussed whenever we talked abt it#but for christmas one year my dad gave me a watch. like the one fuckin matthew mcconoughey give his daughter in the movie#and i wear it all the time. it makes me fuckin cry sometimes that stupid fucking watch. but it means so much.#i just wish hed talk abt his fucking feelings so i wouldnt need a watch to know my dad still loves me#also this post is about transitioning and my dad feeling like he lost that father daughter bond with me but we wont get into all that
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Recent sky photos
#still... I am not joking.. every time I post things like this it is so hard to narrow them down#I am almost as obsessed with the sky as I am with cats. I have a folder of just cloud pictures with like 650 photos in it right now#I don't post them all because I think it'd seem repetitive probably but just know... lol#that could be an entire blog or something.. hundreds and hundreds...#Like the same way that I cannot explain my obsession with cats or why they've imprinted into my brain so heavily - clouds are the same way#anyway.. .still have the costume photos and stuff like that I just havent edited and posted yet lol.. I will.. hoepfully have actual art#content and stuff thats not just random cat photos sometime soon. I'm just always so preoccupied at the beginning of the year with trying to#adjust to new goals and schedules.. plus.. still wokriong on that wretched little slideshow aaaaaaaaaaaa... it is going to take me...#a million yearbs.....#I just want the worldbuiling lore established so I can branch out and do other things.. aughhhh......#also have to work on game videos and a few other vidoes.. still trying to keep up wiht the youtube a little.. I just havent been productive#like since new years as I've felt sicker with my stomach symptoms and stuff.. ToT ALSO I DID MAKE THAT ENTIRE interactive fiction game which#I still have no posted anywhere lol.. Because it was kind of to accompany something that I was doing on a game site (like imagine making a g#ame to go along with one of your neopets or something) but it works totally fine as a standalone thing as well like. so detached from the#lore of the game site in general that it'd be broadly understandable and is it's own thing of course (because I dont really like writing#other people's characters/in the confine's of other worlds so I made everything original as possible with just a loose tie in to the neopets#typw thing lol) - but I figured since it works on it's own I could post it publicly other places too like 'hey look I made something' since#that is...... kind of somehting that counts as like... being creatively productive lol? like I keep talking about getting nothing done while#also forgetting about the things I actually HAVE done. alas I continuously forget. Seriously I am so bad at social media. I am never exagger#ating for comedic effect or something. I am the type of person that could legit like. write and produce and direct and complete a movie#that will be million dollars shown in theaters or something and I would forget to mention it anywherte until like 5 months later and go 'oh#uh .. oh yeah.. i should post about that online somehwere probably.. oops' . Cursed with the 'forget about everything once it's complete'#trait. Like the way my brain works is just like. once I finish something I'm immediately like 'cool! onto the next thing!!' without processi#ng what i just did. I'm just always looking forward to the next thing. I'll finish sculptures and then throw them away or forget about them.#I take photos and they sit in the drafts for 6 months before I post them. Like to me the enjoyment comes from the PROCESS of making somehtin#g but I don't care as much about the end result so it just doesnt exist in my brain anymore once I'm done? idk.. anyway ghjbhj#SORRY.. trying to be more active. I want to make and sell sculptures again. sell all of my spare clothes too. stuff. things.. aaa.. ***
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guys what if i want to make my own apollo justice game.
#i need to write a prequel to aa4 pls pls pls pls pls#okay get this: so phoenix isnt disbarred yet and he doesnt have trucy. hes still taking and winning cases#one day he gets a call from edgeworth and hes all like ''wright i need your assistance'' and hes like what for and edgeworth goes#''ive been given the most ridiculous case and i think youre the only man in law who can take care of it''#so phoenix bikes his ass to the detention center and boom. child behind bars#and phoenix is like ??? hey kid what are doing here. and this kid is the most surly mfer on the planet like you couldnt get-#-a word out of him if you tried. hes kinda giving phoenix the stink eye too but hes just the littlest guy on earth#and phoenix feels bad for him so he tries to get a rundown of the case (maybe edgeworth gave him an autopsy report or smth beforehand)#but get this. the kid still wont speak. he hasnt even moved a muscle. and after some prodding you find out this little dude-#-doesnt speak english (i dont love aa6 but i think apollos tragic backstory can be interesting so we're going w that but taking it seriousl#anyways so maya is like omg this kid is speaking khurainese but hers is kinda broken bc shes not from the mainland and only knows it-#-from like prayers#so you only get bits and pieces of the kids testimony. plus he still doesnt wanna talk bc ''dhurk told me not to talk to you''#so you start following the new lead but you ask too many questions and apollos like oh shit i said too much and wont talk to you anymore#but now you have two leads: khur'ain and a man named ''dhurk'' plus the fact that this is kid might be new to america since-#-he cant speak english but is smack dab in the middle of california. its all v curious and phoenix wants to get to the bottom of it#for the rest of the case i feel like it would go in the direction of ''we dont know exactly whats up w this dhurk guy or where this kid-#-came from but we do get him acquitted and phoenix is able to save him from the dark path he was heading towards'' thus steering apollo-#-in the direction of law and giving him a wayyyy better reason than aa6 gave him <3#i kind of like the interlinked nature of ace attorney's storytelling. like everything leads into smth else and everyone is impacted-#-by another person before they even become properly entangled w each other's lives#like how mia faced dahlia years before she met phoenix but dahlia was the one to connect them#or how trucy gave phoenix the diary paper but she's also the one who ropes apollo into the waa. even before they know they're siblings#or how lamoire left apollo and trucy as children and when they reunite as adults they cant recognise each other but they all find each-#-other anyways#i could go on but i think this could be cool yknow esp bc i think the most interesting thing about apollo's aa6 backstory is his life-#-post dhurk. like where did he stay? was he a foster kid? was he put into the system? how did that affect him? what kind of ppl took him in#i just wanna know how that whole thing would have effected him bc like when yiu think about it how did he even get to america?? his dad's#-considered a terrorist. idk man i think its interesting and apollo and dhurks interactions are one of the only good parts of aa6
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Alright. Guess the submas tag is still full of angst 👍🏼
#i keep making the same mistake in a feeble attempt to invalidate what my mind throws at me#i get to be upset over a whole new thing instead 🎉🤸#its either that or im far too sensible to anything that could have an even vaguely negative connotation#like man its gotten so bad that i literally cant handle angst if it doesn't have an immediate happy ending or the promise of one#and i see a piece of angst and end up thinking about it all day in an attempt to imagine a way that could end in it being resolved#and then try and convince myself that it is the only reasonable conclusion#like come on brain. i just want to think about them building a train lego set as a re-bonding activity post hisui#why you gotta give me all this angst :(#.wait is this an ocd moment#or is it something else. guys anyone have the same experience oh my god?#should i tell my therapist my thought process...#personal#am i putting this in the tag. i am putting this in the tag#submas#i just want the certainty that he gets home and both he and emmet have a good time after is that truly too much to ask gamefreak#i dont even care if theyre changed over the years or not i just want them to be happy with themselves and each other. vibing together
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"well at least I'll get good sleep tonight" they said, not getting good sleep tonight
#vent post#negative#doing really fucking bad mentally actually#cant turn my brain off about how mad i am about money#about wasting my fucking time meeting people and their dogs they want me to care for#not getting paid for the fucking meetings that have been half the reason i struggle making progress on my personal projects#undercharging myself to hell and back just for the chance to get A Job#only for them to fucking cancel because they dont respect my time#cancel a meet up 3 hours before. cancel the booking less than 24 hours after making it. make me drive an hour for fucking nothing#begging me to lower my prices which are already lower than everyone in the area#i dont want to work anymore i want it to stop#going to do a week of dog sitting for less than 200 fucking dollars because its the only god damn fucking job i can fuckkng get#and it wont even happen for another month! who knows! they could cancel too!#if they cancel I'm deleting my fucking rover account!#i cant earn money. im trying so hard for nothing.#i cant apply to normal jobs because my job anxiety is So Bad i NEED someone to be with me as i apply showing me how it works#i dont know what job i want because i dont want a job i want to go to bed#im so so tired of going 'this could work! i could make this work!' and it just never gets far enough to matter#after 3 years of no progress you know what! maybe i cant fucking make it work!#i dont want to keep trying with this stupid shit anymore#im not even gonna be able to afford christmas presents this year.#anyways. whats a girl gotta do to get some fuckinf sleep around here
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#i cant do it i cant any more im worn out!! and i know i have no right to be!#ive been worn out for a long time. i know everyone has. i know i cant take a break from the internet because Palestine still needs coverage#and now with the *drama* happening on tumblr. i dont want to tag it i dont want o be delet but you know the one#feels fucked to even have to call it drama but im one blog. im one little blog and im gonna be devastated if i get got for speaking out#ive had one blog removed by an authority figure it was soul crushing and i only had that one for like 3 years#this is over a decade of my life. if its gone my soul goes with it so i cant risk speakin out in any way that matters or is too conspicuous#but its all just too much. i need to go grocery shopping and it feels hard and bad. i try to come to my one safe place on the internet#to give me courage but its just post after post about more bad news. i saw a photo of a group of soldiers smiling and laughing#about murdering diabled people and taking their walking aides. i know the captions were people saying how horrible those soldiers were#and the active participation in ending diabled lives those soldiers had to take those photos and im just. why was it posted at all#we know the worlds bad. we know. why are you giving these people more publicity. i dont want to see that sickening smile#i just cant any more. i cant deal with anything its all too much its too much on a personal note and its too much internet wide#but i cant complain about it because im not the one being actievly genocided or harrased and i also cant leave because the people who are#need as much support as they can get and i want to support. i want to help#idk idk im crying im stuck i just wanna be able to get groceries but everything real life and internet is too fucking much
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So. Sit with me everyone. We agree that we need to stop worshipping a person or media on the sole grounds of being gay right. Can we finally agree that it's not homophobic to criticize gay ppl with large platforms. Can we finally actually learn to think critically abt how these ppl talk abt ppl outside of their immediate identities and to recognize that just because they say they aren't bigoted doesn't mean they aren't. Please.
#rat rambles#like seeing ppl dunk on james is vibdicating and all but also. yall do realize that even without the plagerism hed still be a piece of shit#and that another white man shouldnt have to spell out to you what misogyny is#<- directed at ppl who watched mr misogyny before hand#Im not saying anyone is a bad person for not realizing. Im just saying to be more careful and attentive in the future#dont be scared to criticize the ppl you watch even if you dont think theyre a bad person#hell Ive been watching hbomberguy for years and he is certainly not perfect#like in a lot of his old videos you can rly see some unconcious ableism#and I could go on and on with nitpicks and gripes Ive had with him over the past several years but thats not the point of this post#the point is that you need to get yourself comfortable with digging deeper into the things you consume#a lot of ppl will say things like 'oh this person gave me a bad vibe but I didnt think it was this bad'#and I want to just say if you get that sort of bad vibe then fucking dig deeper!! interrogate that feeling and where its coming from!#this also applies to situations where you might dislike someone for bigoted reasons of your own#I think ppl try way too hard to train themselves to not interrogate their discomfort and it's so not good for your critical thinking skills#and in fact interrogate your comforts too#just in general thinking abt why certain things make you feel certain ways is good practice and will help you see red flags sooner#is this gay guy focusing more on gay men than gay women? why might this be? is it really the topic like he says it is?#if you think well Im also more interested in gay men that gay women in history so hes not doing anything bad#then question why you think that. idc how uncomfortable it makes you to question your views on minorities fucking do it#cause imagining you arent misogynist or racist or whatever the fuck doesnt make you less bigoted#if you want to be the ally you think you are you need to suck it up theres not rly a kinder way I can manage to put it
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thsc fans made me a kinder person wowie
#was talking with my gf some days ago and i have gotten less violent in my head HELPDGF#no bc personal rambles if ur not interested idm but#last year fucked me up so bad everyday i used to get strikes on insta for my private posts to vent it out#its the funniest shit to look back on tbh Help but i genuinely look back on some posts and go wow this motherfucker rly made me a violent-#person and he acted like all that happened to me was my fault#i seriously do not want another message from that fuck on ny birthday again i will make his life living fucking hell#this december will be full of copperright and thsc . i have not felt so emotionally vulnerable in so long LMAO#thanks to these little fucks i want to throw them around i love yhem#it took some silly gentle people of this fandom for me to realize perhaps i should tone down the violent humor#bc a friend in another friend group lately also opened up that hayy i think im. not ok with playful bullying anymore and i felt bad even#though i dont talk much there Fuck you timezones#i will admit the excessive usage of tone indicators in sticktwt seems too much to me but not a huge issue overall#i am but a reserved fucked up aunt of the thsc fandom that ppl seem to rly enjoy the reactions of when they post copperrifht HSGSSGD#i commissioned 5 people to draw copperright i think that's enough to tell the damage done to me by thsc#coping mechanism for when ur sick for a literal month without a day's break 👍#anyway erm maybe i love u guys what are u gonna do about it#i cannot for the life of me talk in dms without being anxious but tumblr and discord servers are what save my life#i am here but hiding behind a pole cartoon style#gootbye
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reminder that gmmtv2024 is in less than a month 😨😨😨
#gaiaxyposting#my personal wishlist isnt long i just want more stuff with ohm nanon perth chimon#i REALLY want ohm-chimon or nanon-perth but ill take anything#and perthchimon of course.#i also want a not boring joongdunk and i hope the winnysatang show is good#also if i dont get marcpawin i think ill explode. i do see viewjune getting another show but im not sure if theyd be mains#the speculations based on what some of them are doing/posting on social media have been pretty wild too#i hope the non bls are slightly less disappointing than this year's lineup#(and by disappointing i really just mean not bad but not good though it could have been. this is about double savage and home school)#oh also i think aouboom are overdue for a series as leads i hope they get something good next year
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sometimes i think about the ask i got about making a tier of players who are alpha beta or omega
#im so sorry for getting asks and just posting without answering them 😭#im really bad at replying to anything this goes for irl too#so my friends will send me like columns of texts with no reply bcs i prefer to answer them in person to have smthin to chat abt#and they know but everyone else will probably think im a bad friend if they see our messages (my friends messages 90% of the chat me 10%)#I MEANT THIS AS I DO READ THEM TRUST ME I LOVE ASKS#I JUST HATE ANSWERING NOT BCS THE ASK IS BAD BUT BCS I THINK IT'S SO GOOD I OVERTHINK HOW TO RESPOND WELL ENOUGH IN RETURN#SO UR EFFORTS ARENT WASTED... and then i waste them bcs i dont ever reply 😭😭#SORRY#im stupid 🥰#anyways just wanted to make an overall shoutout to all who have asked: i care you and i appreciate u#i am just insane. in the membrane#if u see me get to ur ask 500 years later... sorry 😭
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when you're an inherently bad person🤪
#im a firmly believe that people arent truly or inherently born evil. except me ofc#the thing is that. if im not a bad person or whatever. im just incredibly unpleasant to handle deal with or be around. which may be worse#because im actually trying to be fun to be around. in general. when im not stressed out of my mind or almost (or actively) crying. i do try#and if im inherently unpleasant. it explains everything but it means i wont ever have anyone. not really.#its like a have a bad smell around me that i cant get off. which i also fear may be the reality as well.#i do shower! i do use deodorant and sometimes the fuckign. body mists or perfumes or whatever. nice smelling shite i dont actually ever wan#to use but i must be somewhat pleasant#but do i use too much of it? not enough? do i shower the wrong way? should i isolate myself forever amd not subject people to that smell?#well!#vent post#also i never fucking smile which is apparently important in being approachable. but i can blame that on the autism#god i fucking hate being who i am#im not even talking about personality rn. being trans. and autistic the way i am. and whatever else i fucking probably am. and being a part#of this fucking family and living in this god damned place. i hate it all#its difficult and i dont want to be that anymore but i cant ever stop. i can move out in what. a couple of years? i could eventually go no#contact with that family? i couldnt. but i wont ever stop being who i am at my core. and thats so depressing and it wants me to kill myself#not in a painful way though. no cutting or whatever. pills or a quick jump would be enough
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#vent#its so hard to believe that I’m not just inherently unlovable when every relationship i’ve been in has crashed and burned#and twice in a row now its ended with thw other person getting with someone Better.#I think i’m just not cut out for relationships of any kind. whether it be a qpr or romantic#because every time i’ve always absolutely ruined it with my terrible anxiety and ocd#like i’m done trying at this point. if I ever get feelings like that again (which I doubt iwill) I’m just not going to pursue them.#because like whats the point of it if I know it’s just going to end the exact same way it always does#in 5 months at worst and nearly 2 years at best#i wouldnt normally talk about this here but idont really have anyone to talk to about this#i’m probably going to#immediately bury this under a million posts so certain people don’t see this#I don’t know#i think i’m just too much in general for someone to love like that#too anxious too affectionate just too much. and it’s not like i’m pretty or smart to make up for it#people usually only like me because I’m nice.#or because I’m entertaining like a little goddamn court jester#thats it.#and then they get with me and they realize Oh this fucking sucks actually. i’m gonna go now#im supposed to be on vacation i shouldnt be thinking about this i dont WANT to be thinking about this#but some stuff happened with some really fucking bad timing because god hates me and wants to make things worse for me when I’m already#struggling enough#i just wish I was normal and I wish I was good enough#and I wish I wasn’t me because I hate being stuck with myself#i give up.
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FACE DOWN ON THE FLOOR this is me easing back into drawing im hoping to finish a request or 2 tomorrow it just depends on how the day goes . ANYWAY here r some ocs u_u
#my art#do not copy trace or steal#mrb#ones an oc i recycled but she fits better here i think#i thiiink paradigms been shown before i know abbeys been shown before but the other 3 havent unless ive posted brandy#but i dont think so . yeah i looked i havent#new followers beware: i have i think abt my ocs too much disorder its so bad [not really] i have an oc universe ive been working on for#abt.? 4 years but a majority of the ocs are almost 9-10 years old#fun fact kaden my fursona is nine she turns ten in the fall#my marblerose ocs r a special interest of mine i could talk about them for ages i#im sorry this isnt wc content but also not really HBLDKJFHDFHGBD#anyway these r the antags of my story but not in order of importance#WELL LIKE depending on *where* in the story one person kinda gets a redemption but it depends on what u consider a redemption#after this im gonna lay down last night was the first time in what feels like a month i was able to sleep before midnight#ive been having such bad problems w sleeping#im squinting im not gonna proofread if you see errors kindly ignore them i think i hit all of my talking points if u want me to talk more#abt my ocs please let me know if im not busy ill drop whatever im doing to talk about them#THIS IS EMBARASSING I DID THE MATH WRONG kaden will be *nine* not ten thats the year after
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