#draws cigarette...you wouldnt get it

[avellanaslesbianas]

I don't think I've ever posted my younger Swain here

Here's a very comprehensive compilation

[babyisa1]

could you write a smut about bill having car s3x with the reader? (I completely understand if you’re not comfortable with the idea)

ofc! tysm for the request, sorry it took a while :) i also have a bill smut in a car setting (just includes fingering) here

⋆.ೃ࿔*:･ angry car sex/ BILL

synopsis: bill has always been a protective boyfriend, so when you sneak out to go to a party without his permission, he loses it.

warnings: smut, unprotected p in v, multiple orgasms, use of the word „slut“, profanity and i think thats it

2:34am

„cmonnn just one shot y/n!“ your friend slurs, stumbling all over the place as the beat of the music vibrates off the walls of the club downtown. what you were doing was already risky, sneaking out while bill was working to party with your friends, so it was best to not go that level higher and get plastered. you had to get home somehow anyway.

„no im fine, seriously! im gonna go out for a smoke. anyone coming?“ you question, but everyone was too busy in their own world. some of your friends were eating other guys faces off, while others were downing tequila shots like they were water. you roll your eyes, quickly grabbing your jacket and purse off of the bar stool as your make your way towards the front door.

the cold night air hits you as you throw your jacket on while walking to the side of the building, before rummaging around in your purse for a cigarette. you find one, the last one in the packet, as you quickly grab your lighter and start it. you take your first draw, breathing in the smoke as it fills your lungs. you sigh out in relief, you knew it wasnt a great habit but it always made you feel better when you were a bit anxious.

suddenly the sound of tires screeching catch your attention, your eyes snap up to meet the car as you realize it sounded pretty familiar. your eyes widen at the sight of bills furious face, his car pulling up next to you as he jumps out of the car. fuck. bill was not going to let you get off easy.

„what the actual fuck do you think youre doing?“ he almost shouts, smacking your cigarette out of your fingers and putting it out with his shoe. „hey! i was smoking tha-” ”i was worried sick about you! god knows what sort of sickos lurk around here“ he breaths out, disgust filling his face as he takes a look around.

„youre always so fucking controlling! why do you think i sneaked out, i wouldnt have gotton here otherwise!“ you snapped back, pushing your hand on his chest but he doesnt move. instead, he grabs your wrist and pulls you towards the car, opening the passenger seat for you. „get in“ he mumbles under his breath as you defeatedly slouch on your seat before bill closes the door behind you.

he walks to the other side, getting into the drivers seat as he slams his door shut, making the whole car shake. he starts the car, before pulling out of the parking lot and speeding down the street.

about 5 minutes into the drive of you both purely just shouting back and forth, you raise your voice in frustration; „i never get to do a nice fucking thing! you always come a long and ruin it“ you sigh out, sending bill an annoyed look. your face drops however as bill suddenly turns the steering wheel to the left in a swift motion. „fuck!“ he shouts, pulling over to an empty spot on the side of the road. „bill? what are yo-” „backseat. now.“ bill cuts you off, turning off the motor with a sour expression on his face.

you knew you had fucked up this time, he had never been so serious. you bite you lip before hesitantly climbing out of your seat. bill slaps your ass, making you fall on the backseat causing you to yelp. the car was dark, but you caught the devilish smirk tugging on bills face as the light from streetlamp illuminated off of him. you make room for him as he climbs over the seats towards you, gripping your hips tightly and forcing you onto all fours.

„im sick of your fucking attitude“ he begins, hiking your dress up and tearing your panties off, revealing your drenched cunt. „what a fucking slut.. acting all pissed if i get controling when it just turns you on“ he scoffs, running his cold fingers in between your warm folds.

bill was right, if it wasnt for the fact that he didnt take his anger out on you sexually, you wouldnt dare to go out without his permission. something about his possessiveness and the way he would fuck you differently than usual when he was furious turned you on to the max. he was ruthless, he didnt give a shit if he overstimulated you or if you thought 8 orgasms was too much, something about taming your bratty behaviour tightened his pants like crazy. maybe it was a subconscious kink of his..

you whimper, pushing your ass back towards him for more friction. suddenly you feel a harsh stinging on your right cheek, bill had slapped you for being disobedient. „so fucking needy, behave or you’ll get nothing.“ he spat, taking his sweet time as he fondled your ass. you bit your lip in frustration, you knew you deserved it, and this was bills idea of punishment.

10 minutes had gone by of bill purely just playing with your soft behind, occasionally grinding his clothed cock on your leg which earned low groans from him. you were finally put out of your misery when he reached for his belt, pulling it out of its loops and unzipping his throusers. he pulls them down to his knees along with his boxers, not bothering to take them off completely.

you look behind you, catching his cock spring free and slightly hitting his abdomen. you gulp, realizing you had to take all of his 8 inches in one go as he would not let you have time to adjust. he pumps the base of his length a few times, gliding his tip between your warm folds and nudging your clit with it. „shitt.. gonna fuck some sense into you, hm?“ bill groans lowly, before forcefully snapping his hips forward, burrying his whole cock deep inside of you.

you let out a chocked moan, one of your hands flying to the window to brace yourself as he formed a merciless pace.

„mmmhg..haa“ you whimper, the burning pain slowly bleeding into pleasure as bill rams his cock into your cunt. you could feel everything, every pulsing vein that decorated his cock, the girth of it was unlike any youve ever seen before, let alone felt before. you felt like he was so deep that his dick could reach your throat, but bill didnt care. he continued to abuse that gummy spot inside of you, bullying it to his liking as wet slapping noises filled the whole car.

„such a slut.. -ughm- getting me riled up just so i would fuck you.. you like it this rough dont you?“ bill groans, his hand reaching for your upper back, spreading out his fingers as he pushed you into the seat. bill has always been possessive and looved seeing you this defencless. only he could see you like this. touch you like this. hear you like this. right now your face was sticking against the cold leather seat through your sweat, unable to move as bill kept you there with his hand between your shoulder blades. his other reached for your ass, spreading it apart to thrust even deeper into you, if that were even possible.

the condensation you both have created caused your hand on the window to slip, wiping a clear spot for anyone to see. but, luckily bill had tinted windows so you both had all the privacy you needed for your dirty acts. apart from the whole car probably rocking from outside, no one could tell the state bill has you in.

he notices your hand slip, quickly forming a makeshift ponytail and yanking you towards him, your back now flush against his chest. bill uses his other hand to stroke away your sweat infused hair out of your face, nipping on your earlobe before sloppily sucking on it. this elited whorish moans from you, bill knew you were extra sensitive there and loooved it when he paid attention to it. you felt your orgasm approaching by the second, your walls clenching around bills cock signalling youre about to come undone.

„uh-huh..cum all over my cock schatz“ bill pants as you felt his hot breath against your wet ear, sending goosebumps over your body. „oh god-” you cry out, biting your lip as the warm wave of your high washes over you, hitting you like a truck. your hips shudder, the pure sight of you sending bill into his as ropes of his hot cum shoot into you. „shit- oh fuck“ bill mewls, however his pace doesnt falter. you felt a hot tear escape your eye from the overstimulation, not been given any time to recover from your last orgasm.

~

bill continued to pound his cock in you, fucking about 5 or 6 of his loads deeper into your hole. your ability to form audible sentences has left you long ago, your mascara stained your cheeks following your tears from the countless orgasms that had washed over you. you seriously had no idea what number you were on, 7? maybe even 8?

bill was so drunk off of your pussy, this man couldnt get enough, literally. the both of you were covered in a thin sheen of sweat, almost slipping off of the leather seats with each harsh thrust. despite that, you could feel that bills pace was less forceful then before as his legs were close to giving out. once again, his body mustered up the energy to send one last orgasm through him as his almost swolen cock spewed its load into your now sore hole. he finally collapses on top of you, breathing heavily and muttering german curses under his breath.

the two of you lay there breathless for a few moments, before bill lifts himself back off of you. „jesus.. you okay?“ he breaths out, throwing you your dress and ripped panties while he put on his own clothes. „mhm“ you respond, but your face told him otherwise. you were exhausted and slightly overwhelmed from how far bill took it.

he notices your expression, his face softening as he pulls you into a gentle hug. „oh baby..“ he begins, planting soft kisses in your hair. „im sorry, i guess i took it a bit far.. i was just super pissed“ he explains, rubbing up and down your back in a way to comfort you. you nod in response, burrying your face in the crook of his neck.

.·:*¨༺ ༻¨*:·.

this is prettyyy long so i hope you guys enjoyed :)

masterlist

[arthvrmvrgan]

Arthur Morgan x Male!Reader Hcs

Hey!! I wanted to make another hc list cuz the last one did so well! I made this an x male!reader because as a gay trans guy, there really isn’t too much when it comes to male readers. I just wanna make other people who feel the same and myself feel happy and represented!

Also to add Arthur is autistic in this

Warnings: Mention of vomit

Though he maybe aversive to touch with others, arthur is SUCH a cuddle bug with his partner. When they first start out he’s shy and will hold your hand or wrap his arm around your shoulders.

but once it’s long term arthur gives you big bear hugs, hands around your waist, holding you close by the fire, and of course those soft kisses <3

When he’s drunk, he pulls you onto his lap, smothers your face in kisses, and yells about how much he loves you.

Arthur also gets shy when it comes to talking about his interests. If you mention something like drawing or horses, he’d make a small comment or addition to the conversation. But once he’s comfortable enough, he’ll infodump for hours about horses to you!

Just hold him close, let his head rest on your chest while you pet his hair and he infodumps, and he’s in heaven!

Some pet names he’d call you would include: “Darlin, Sweetheart, My prince, My man, Hun, and Sunshine” :3 When you call him any pet name, his heart melts and his legs feel like jelly

He loves giving and receiving praise! He’ll whisper in your ear “good boy” just to mess with you cuz he know it makes you BLUSH! But he’ll also be like “atta boy!” or “yup, that’s my boy.”

The first time you praised him, it felt really odd for him. He hadn’t been praised like that ever since he’d been with Mary. It felt so foreign but so…good.

His big ol’ heart skips a beat when you tell him how proud you are of him, or how he looks so handsome in that new shirt you got him. He feels like the happiest man on earth

Now unfortunately, times weren’t as accepting as they are now. You and Arthur knew it had to be kept secret for fear of what might happen. You two don’t feel any embarrassment at all, just a need for a safety. The gang knows about you two, most of them accepting you with welcome arms!

You also help Arthur out more with errands, jobs, and chores. Ever since an incident were Arthur worked his way up to illness like vomiting, you’ve made it your duty to lay off the weight on Arthur’s shoulders.

If he needs help with the hay bales, you’ll be right next to him holding one. If he’s going out on a stage job from alden, you ask if you can tag along!

Arthur has gotten better with accepting help or rest, but not so much asking for it. You still encourage Arthur to request help if he needs it, and how he’s not weak for doing so.

There have even been times where you’d yell at Dutch and Strauss to leave Arthur be for a bit.

He’ll sometimes doodle little drawings of you in his journal as well as writing lovey dovey passages about you and putting “A<3Y/N” with a big heart too. He’ll even just doodle random hearts while spacing out and thinking about you..

He gets so excited to see you, even if you can’t tell. The way his eyes light up like a big puppy dog’s as he speed walks over to your horse to greet you and give you a welcome back kiss

He also penguin pebbles and finds random stuff that reminds him of you!! Whether it be a cigarette card, a flower, or even some artifact or object he found…he WILL give it to you!

That’s all for now! If y’all wanna send in your arthur or just any other rdr hcs, feel free! I also wouldnt mind writing more arthur hcs so please feel free to send me rqs!

[sucker4sixx]

Relight my fire

Pt.2

plot: generation swine release party!!

Warnings: alcohol?

The next morning you wake up to nikki sitting beside you, holding a glass of water, the gesture reminding you about your pulsing hangover. “Hey.. drink this, i figured youd be ill with the hangover” nikki smiles alittle, hoping somehow you wouldnt remember the kiss as you gulp greedily from the pint of cold water like a warm dog “thankyou..” you look at his eyes for a few seconds before he stands up, leaving your room. After 20 minutes you walk to the kitchen, nikki sitting outside having a smoke like the morning before and the morning before that. You take a cigarette out your own pack and slip on his thick zipper, walking out to him and sitting beside him.

“You’re up already?” He smiles, passing you his lighter “and in my zipper?” You smile back to him, sitting beside him on the cold, hard bench, the smoke both of you blow out intertwining “yeah well.. its comfy, you cant blame me”

“No.. i cant” his eyes linger on you for a few seconds before he looks away. “Last night was… fun” he adds, wanting to speak about the kiss that you so desperately tried to get out of your head. “Yeahhh..” you reply awkwardly “it was..” he coughs, none of you sure how to talk about the elephant in the.. garden? “Listen i-“

“Listen-“ you speak at the same time only making things worse, his cheeks even red with the tension “you go..” you whisper and nikki nods, facing you as he stubs out his cigarette. “The kiss was.. something, and the confession and just.. listen, im not in the right place to start anything, im just out a fucking marriage..” he sighs in frustration but not to you, to his heart for letting him feel these feelings for you. “I know, nikki is promise this will be the last time this happens”

A week later you are both at vinces house, hes throwing a party for finishing their album “generation swine”, nikkis busy away talking to people the whole night, leaving you drinking alone on the white leather couches.

Eventually he flops beside you, passing you a rum and coke “hey stranger” you smile wide, your cheeks automatically heating up at the sight of him “sorry hun, been a busy night” you shake your head, taking a sip of the rum and coke “no, dont apologise, this is your night.. im proud of you” nikki laughs bashfully “you sound like a parent telling their kid that their shitty drawings good.. to be honest.. i dont have a great feeling about this album” he admits, looking at his feet. You move your hand to his back and scratch it softly “well.. i think it sounds amazing” you kiss his cheek softly and he turns to face you, smiling “your a sweetheart, honestly.. dont know where id be right now if you werent with me” he moves in and kisses you softly before moving away like it was natural “i need a piss” he slaps your thigh softly and stands up, leaving you red faced and confused.

You get up after a few minutes and look around for him, pushing past the crowd of drunken rockstars, souring your face at the strong smell of cigarettes and hairspray untill you find him, hes leaning against a kitchen counter talking to some tall blonde woman. Without a second thought you walk up to him, your heart pounding when his eyes catch yours, he knows whats coming. You grab his hair and pull him down as you kiss him desperately, his tongue sliding into your mouth as his large hands hold your hair. He turns round so your standing with your back to the counter so you couldnt leave him as he kissed you like a dog in heat, moaning into you. “Jesus darlin..” he pulls away and you try to meet his lips again causing him to move back “your so desperate” he grins wide seeing the effect he has on you, just like he has on every other woman. “Nikki please-“

you both get cut off by a woman saying nikkis name, he turns round and its his ex wife, she smiles and runs over to hug him, clearly not seeing what had just happened. Beth.. they were married for years but cheated on eachother and it ended messy. Nikki wraps his arms around her and even though you knew they had more history, you cant help but feel your heart sink so you just step away, walking off back to the party. An hour later your tired and upset but nikki doesnt seem to want to go home, you approach him and tap his shoulder, beth raising her eyebrow. “Nikki could i get the house keys? Im really tired” you ask and beths face drops, thinking you were his girlfriend. “Of course sweetheart, here.. ill be home soon” he smiles up and you.

Two hours later nikki returns drunker than when you left, your surprised when you dont hear anyone with him. You get up and head to his room where hes stumbling around, struggling to get his clothes off. “Hey nikki” you smile, his face brightening up when he sees you “sweetheart!” He slurs and stumbles over to you “your so drunk, do you need help getting this off?” You tug at his shirt softly “yeah.. undress me baby” he laughs, wiggling his eyebrows “your so annoying” you smile, taking his shirt off as he sways alittle.

“So.. you and beth?” You ask carefully “i still love her.. of course” your smile drops and you nod, trying not to seem bothered “but she fucked you over nikki..” he falls silent “she cheated-“ “yeah well i cheated too” he buts in, its clearly a sensitive subject, you both fall silent “sorry.. i just want the best for you” you say quietly “i know.. but what if she is the best for me” your heart sinks even further , you knew you were the best for him, you knew you could treat him right “why did you cheat on her?” You ask as he struggles to take off his pants, you help out and unbutton them, helping him to his bed. “She cheated on me and.. i wanted to hurt her back, im no angel sweetheart” you nod and lay in next to him.

“Your sleeping here tonight?” He smirks “well, need to keep an eye on you dont i?” You smile and he pulls you onto his warm chest. “No.. but i dont mind if you do”

[bitebitbonebare]

God fucking dammit I'm genuinely losing my fucking shit.

I wonder if he'd put up a fight. I wonder if I would have to hold him down myself, knee against his neck, to tie his hands behind his back. I wonder what curses I'd wring from him through this, if he'd gnash his teeth and threaten me with his face pressed into the concrete floor. Would I need to get his feet too? Kicking and swinging, trying to get away-- oh and what if he screams? Yelling for help, would I need to silence him? Keep him from biting? Do you muzzle someone like this? Do you keep them from saying anything-- what happens when I kick the breath out of him?

I's stand above him, my boot pressed against his cheek-- I hated the concrete floors until now and I think I how they shine with his spit as he bared his teeth.

How careful would I need to be to make sure he was the only one to know he was bested? How badly does he want to feel this days from this moment-- how badly do I want him to feel it? Better yet, I know that he would rather there not be a later to feel, I think he's imagined death like this in great detail when he found himself at my mercy.

What tools would I have at my disposal? I wonder how much a tazer costs. I wonder if I could figure out a way to hit him in such a way he briefly loses consciousness. I wonder if I could choke him until he sees those black stars.

Could I press my knee into his throat while I tried something new-- could I put out a little match on his ribs? He complained of the pain on of a rib tattoo but what if I could methodically burn a scar on the other side, or as a lovely accent? He wanted to be an unflinching and incredibly willing victim to someone's cigarette shoved into him. This should be nothing then, right? Right?

What could I use to leave creative bruises on him-- I often weild a cane, don't I? What would shards of a broken mirror look like dug into his legs? I wonder how carefully I could etch something into his skin. He's let me tattoo him before anyway, what's different about a knife then?

I wouldnt want to keep him on the floor I don't think. Would I be able to hurt him while his sits on his knees-- his bones digging into concrete, he's so proud of how small he is, nearly just bones anyway, sharp and sharp feeling in his own skin.

Oh! What if, in kicking him, it's hard enough to make him vomit? Do you think he'd do that just for me? Well I think he'd do it for anyone who hit him in that specific way, but in that moment I think I'd revel in knowing that I was the cause.

Do you think he'd need to be told that maybe it's a little pathetic to want to be hurt this way? Granted, I think it was a bit absurd for me to tell him that I wanted to beat him this way, but for him to respond in this way? I think I might have known the answer when he resisted the urge to flee. I'd have plenty of words for him if he would like them.

Oh! He also proudly announced how fast he was! Oh I'm quite happy for him. So proud. Makes me wish I could set him loose in a forest with traps-- oh a daydream for another post, maybe not for him.

He is acutely aware of how inpatient I can be. I wonder if he'd taunt me to give up how much I'd want to relish this. That I want this just as much as he does, but I want it to last. I want to take my time, I want to commit every moment to memory, I want to write something about this that he might stumble upon-- or I offer up enthusiastically and just for "critique" not as if I wanted him to remember the ache of it all, this would live on in his mind too, after all.

Oh, hah. Even better. If I'm careful, I could keep him exactly where I want him and get a recording of the entire thing. I don't care to know what he would do with footage like that.

I'm tempted by the idea to bite. I think biting would be my preferred means to draw blood. I could consider something else though. Either way I think I'd like to stain something or his as a souvenir. Wouldn't that be just so thoughtful of me?

Good fucking god the whole idea makes me dizzy. Does he know how excited I am? How caring I would be about it all-- not too caring that I'd be scared to hurt him, no-- but caring in the way that I want nothing more than to make him feel it, just how he wants. It's not just for him.

It's not just for him.

[scentedchildnacho]

At church they wanted to know why I had traveled so I said I didn't know...it's sort of like Sally ride in space I didn't want to or intension journeying or road tripping I just slowly found clues doing it......I hated how people lied to me about what people are.....and I just very much wanted evidence of the health lie it is and so I went and found that.....

I suppose I wanted to be apart of the milwaukee art company like she kayaked all around the base of lake Michigan and now I have found out about the hokulea so maybe I will apply to do that to like a triathelete

I would discover all sorts of plants and interstitial food secrets and I would find them out about developing start ups that were so refreshing compared to the normative and I have always I guess cared in some way if I did something more then just have a day job in life

Truth is I have never been really outstanding in any way and so I found in a counter culture something that would truly distinguish me maybe even apply me for a group Nobel or Pulitzer

Harriet Tubman wasn't actually educated and I would just keep going places doing the same thing and it would keep drawing out the same type of perp....

Now you have to wait here till Mr gets to call you inferior and to blame

My parisian lessons just said I'm really really tired now because I persisted long enough to be winning housing rights without prior landlord systems but of course how could I think helping wouldnt be successful....

The type of attitude that asks for rent about systems instead of a good attitude and community was disgusting though and just bad....do I have enough mushrooms for my pasta or a pack of cigarettes that's just not correct that's not industry standard

That's not hygiene and it's not efficient and those landlord groups privileging optimism instead of erudition were just being mean...

That wasn't a nice date and that's just mean....

[arthurflecksgirl]

Hey, how is your day going so far? I hope it's splendid! Can I request an Arthur x reader where the reader is recovering from self harm and he is proud of them? You can choose it to be sfw or nsfw. Thanks in advance! :)

Hey Anon, Thank you for your ask. I 'm okay and I hope you are doing well,too?! I am soooo sorry this took me so long but I finally sat down today and wrote your request. I was thinking about that request since you first send it to me. It was a beautiful one but also a tough one. Itˋs a sensitive subject and I was struggeling with how I wanted to write it. I was afraid to write it in a way you wouldnt approve so I am a bit nervous posting this and I hope with all my heart that you will like the result. This request was close to my heart but a bit of a struggle until I finally sat down. I am sending love to anyone. Especially everyone who had to go through this or still does go through it.

Words: 1900

Trigger warning: Mentions of self harm

Arthur nervously chewed on his pencil ,while the blank page of his journal was staring at him like it expected something good to happen. More than one good thing happened in his life recently and he absolutely hated how difficult it was for him to put his emotions into words. Words worthy of how he truly felt about not being alone anymore. He felt like the emotion of it was a seed he didnt knew how to water properly ,to make it the flower that was a written page in his diary. One he would like to show to you , randomly in the middle of the night. To proof how he felt inside. Blooming.

He always felt like he wasnˋt good with words but so much better with showing his feelings off in a different way. A movement of his body when you were slow dancing across the bedroom, a piece of music hummed into your ear while he was pulling you closer, the touch of his thumb brushing your cheek before he leaned in to kiss you. Body language was his way to express what was growing deep inside of him. A love so immessurable, he was becoming a new man. And you were his garden he wanted to spent the rest of his life in. He wanted to build a cabin right in the middle of the gardens heart and plant roses and violets. Once he figured out how to water them and which flowers demend more sunlight or which ones prefered the shadows. He wanted to learn every aspect of your soul. Flower by flower. Petal by petal. To let his roots grow towards yours. Arthur touched the artificial flowers on his desk. They reminded him of who he used to be. Unreal and far from what he desired to be. No sunlight could have touched him  enough to let him grow.

Until there was you. His garden. He finally became what he was supposed to be. A sunflower. The flower of joy and happiness. But also the flower of the man who once drank yellow painting to commit suicide by putting happiness inside himself. At least that was the rumor Arthur heard on tv when he watched a documentary about Vincent Van Gogh. And he was quiet fascinated by it. Somehow the though was relateable to him. In a very abstact, sad, beautiful way.

„Last week“ he wrote , trying to draw a sunflower but it just didnt turned out the way he intented to. „She  finally felt comfortable enough to wear a short sleeve in front of me. I guess that means she really does feel save around me. Ah, it means the world!“  Arthur smiled to himself when he drew a tiney heart and filled it in. His heart was so full of you. Just thinking about the way you took off your comfort sweater for the first time to show him the scars of the past ,created a feeling in his heart he couldnˋt name. 

It has been a while since you let him know about your struggles with self harm. And Arthur could tell that it wasnˋt an easy thing to do. He would always remember the moment he first saw your naked arms. The pattern of hurt on your fragile skin. This moment of vulnerability and strengh. He wanted to kiss it. Arthur wanted to kiss along every single scar to show you how beautiful you were to him and how much he belived in the power of a gentle lip kissing where it hurts the most. But he didnˋt. Arthur wasnˋt sure if it was the right moment yet. He didnt wanted to do anything wrong. So he just sat there, thinking about placing kisses all over, while he picked his own eyebrow with his fingers.

„One day“ he wrote underneath the heart „I will kiss  her scars and she will feel what I felt when she was taking care of me“. Arthur put the pencil down and took a deep drag of his cigarette. Smoke filled his lungs but he wished it was your breath instead.

A familiar noise interrupted his daydream as he put the remains of the cig in his pink ashtray. „Hey darling, Iˋm home“. Your voice made him feel all warm and fuzzy inside. The way you called him darling was music in his ears. His favourite song he repeated in his head when he was at work or taking the bus. He sometimes hummed the words „Hey darling“ , as if it was a prayer. „Hey darling Iˋm home“. Home. That was never the word he would have used to  discribe the place he was living in. Never what he thought of when he felt the worn fabric of his couch underneath his naked skin or was lying in the bathtube, checking for how long he could handle to keep his head under water. This place with all itˋs heavyness wasnˋt home. But it transformed into a home eveytime you opened the door to wrap your arms around him. A genlte kiss upon his forehead. His noticlable frown  underneath your lips. Hey darling, Iˋm home. You are home, finally. We are. A home.

Arthur shifted his position ,so your lips immediately found their way to his forehead. „Forehead kisses“ he thought „Are her way to tell me how much she cares“. He closed his eyes for a moment. His dark lashes covering his piercing eyes like a curtain, to feel the moment with all itˋs gentleness. When Arthur opened his eyelids again he noticed something wrapped around your wrist. His heart stopped for a moment. The thought of you harming yorself again hit him so hard he forgot how to breathe. „Y/N…are you….okay? Oh my god…“ Arthurs index finger reached out for your wrist. He barely dared touching it. His tear filled eyes blurring his sight.

„Yeah, I am. How was your day, Arthur?“ you replied as you sat down on his lap to kiss the corner of his mouth. You noticed his lips trembling underneath your own. A tiney earthquake emerging from within. His day was okay while he was sittin on his desk thinking of all the beautiful things he could write to you. Until you came home with a hurt wrist. Now nothing remained okay. Seeing you hurt was worse than his own pain. Your wound was his wound. Arthur held your face between his hands, unable to responde with a kiss.

„Are you…. Are you hurt?“ he whispered, pointing at your bandage. He wanted to be here for you. Now more than ever. His mind was travelling back to the day you found him with a bleeding forehead after he hit his head against the wall. He recalled your hand resting on the spot that hurt so much and how it lead to the first forehead kiss he received in his life. Thatsˋs when he knew he wasnˋt all alone in this anymore. Thats when he knew that, yes there will be bad days , even together but he didnt had to face them on his own anymore. There was someone looking after him. Someone willing to ease the pain. To heal his wounds. Old or recent. He remembered how gently you held his hurting head, fingers brushing  back his hair to clean the wound. Heˋll never forget the first act of kindness and love from a loved one.

And now it was his turn to tell you itˋs going to be okay. His turn to take care of your wounds.

„No baby, Iˋm not hurt. Iˋve got a little suprise for you…“ Arthurˋs eyes glanced deeply into yours „A…. surprise? What do you mean?“

You lifted your arm smiling at him. Thats when he noticed your wrist wasnˋt bandaged but wrapped in some kinda foil. You slowly started to unwrap it, a big smile lingering on your face. „Darling, I hope you like it“.

Arthur couldnt belive his eyes. Were once was a scar six letters showed. Written on your wrist. Six letters so familar, he started sobbing.

„Oh Arthur….“ You touched his cheek „You like it?“

He covered his mouth with his right hand, mumbling.

„I thought about this  for a while now. Getting your name tattooed to cover my oldest scar“.

A single tear ran down his happy face „Thats…. Just…. Wow. I…. donˋt know what to say. Thatˋs my name. You got a tattoo of my name. „ Arthur couldnt stop staring at the letters. „Can I….touch it?“.

 You smiled „Not yet, itˋs still fresh and I need to put some cream on it.“

„Oh! Yeah…. Of course.“

Arthur tried to understand what was happpening right now. A minute ago he was afraid you hurt yourself again and now  he found himself looking at a tattoo that was his very own name. Part of you.

He felt your other hand touching his blushing cheek „I really wanted this to remind me of how beautiful things can happen after experiencing so much pain. There is this scar and itˋs still there but somehow it belongs to my past and it doesn´t define me. It never did. And now there is you. The light that came after the dark. The one who understands my scars and eases the pain by loving me for who I am. I love you, Arthur, I love you so much itˋs so demanding and beautiful and …..now youˋre always on my mind, in my heart and under my skin.“

Arthur gently lifted your hand, careful enough to not touch the tattoo. „I love you“ he whispered „Can I…. can I kiss your…“ goosebumps covered your skin as his upper lip found itˋs way to travel across your arm. Soft kisses, thoughtful and warm, scar after scar. You couldnt help but cry a little. Arthur froze „My god, Iˋm sorry I only wanted to…“

„Donˋt stop“ you whispered through the tears „Please….“

The light in Arthurs eyes came back when he realized it was happy tears running down your cheeks. Tears of relief and inner peace.

„Remember when you found me after….“

„I do, Arthur.“

„That was the first time I felt truly loved“ he breathed, while he continued kissing your skin.

„You found me at my worst. And loved me. Especially where it hurt the most“

You closed your eyes, concentrating on the softness of his lips. His presence was medicine. Calming and warm like a favourite sweater.

You remembered  very well. It was the day you knew that you would give the world to protect this man. The beautiful soul that Arthur was. You couldnt change his past but write his future. You and him together. Sitting in front of a blank page, where anything was possible.  Every yet unborn poem was demanding to be written. Every small moement of happiness. And when the pages get torn and some parts get blacked out, you would be here to put a sticker on it. Heart shaped. One thatˋs glowing in the dark. So when he openes his journal at night he couldnt see the scribbles and blacked out parts. Only the bandage that was love.

Just like the words written on your wrist.

Arthur.

 

„I wanna do the same for you“ he mumbled between the kisses „Loving you where it hurts the most…so...“ he lifted his face, looking at you „…where does it hurt?“

„Every inch untouched  by your loving hands“.

Only a heartbeat later Arthurs thumb gently brushed over your bottom lip as he whispered „Let me take care of that“.

[ginwhitlock]

Fanon jasper and bella. What does jasper and bella have in common? How would they spend their day together? (about maria, I don't think Peter keeps in contact with Maria. It would be a little odd if he did seeing as he went against her orders to kill all the newborns and he wanted her dead too, Jasper barely left on good terms cause she wanted him dead and they weren’t romantically involved) for those who read the books. Not the movie version.

firstly, there is not doubt in my mind that Peter and Maria are not on good terms. Peter, one, doesnt come off as the type of person to forgive and forget, thats not really how vampire life gets to work, as everyone you seem to meet somehow wants you dead. and two, yes! he did actively defy her direct orders to save the woman he loved, im sure he wouldnt like the woman that wanted his wife killed and disposed of like common garbage. plus maria wouldnt ever forgive him for that, or even like him because of that.

second, Bella and Jasper are both... comment dites-vous... independent. While Bella is no social butterfly and has no wish to be, Jasper, according to his gift, would do quite well in social situations if he could just bound over wanting to drain everyone dry AND his deep paranoia for absolutely everything (that came from being a soldier for a century) 2 as well as his need to strategize every second of life (due to the paranoia of being a soldier for a century, again). This means, in short, their days are best spent with each other, mostly alone. yes, both of them love the shit out of their family, but all of them at once and the two of them just... doesnt spark romantic joy.

So heres how i think they spend their days (and... nights since the whole no sleep thing (worst fucking thing abt being immortal in twilight world btw. id kill someone if i could be able to quiet my brain for at least eight hours every twenty- four but i digress)): frequent afternoons spent in his study (thats a made up thing but this is fanon suck it). Bella is an avid reader and Jasper is a avid collector. I think this man would collect rocks if he thought moving them from house to house wouldnt break a human back. He stocks the shelves with first editions, which she gets to peruse, and he asks questions about them while he sketches or researches. She'll keep a pad of sticky notes right next to her to jot down the little things she might forget just so she can tell him in detail. The fire will be going and the curtains drawn. The world is quiet, save for a pen gliding on paper or her small breaths or even his catch of flint to light up a cigarette (yes he smokes its my rules).

I also think nature is something that draws them both in. They're the type of couple that need no words, the lift of a hand to help bella over a falled tree stump of a pat on Jasper's hip to lean down to kiss her. Summer time is full of laying half clothed, sprawled out like starfish in a clearing, the sun catching of Jasper's skin, Bella's eyes asking a million questions about the scars that break up the crystals. He answers her in touches, fingers drawing shapes on her bare stomach as his lips press against her brow. Their world is best quiet. And together.

[lezarus]

hmm you liked power of the dog? i watched it last night and found it underwhelming. i kinda wanna know what you thought of it or why you liked it, i’m still chewing on it a bit

i’m just interested if there’s something i didn’t get about it? i’ve only seen everyone raving about it

thank you so much for asking! i have a lot to say abt this movie but itll probably have spoilers so ill put it under the cut. but ill just say for anyone thinking of watching try to go and see it on the big screen or failing that watch it in a dark room with your phone turned off and let it really draw you in

also if anyone has seen it and wants to talk about it please let me know!!

i think its hard to articulate exactly what i liked about this movie so much outside of the fact that it just made me feel breathless and exhilarated from like a scene of two people sharing a cigarette. i was also so enraptured by the way that the characters are set up in something of a one dimensional way and slowly reveal themselves to be utterly different as the movie goes on. the scene where peter says his father used to worry he wasnt kind enough feels like a beat so at odds with what we know about the character but when the reveal comes and that starts to fall into place it all feels so natural.

ive heard some reviewers say the ending felt obvious but i didnt feel that way at all. it totally took me off guard right up until the doctor says anthrax and then i had this slowly dawning realisation of what happened that hit me like a punch to the gut. i really appreciate that the movie doesnt hold your hand through the reveal and just lets it slowly settle over you that it allows you to sit and chew on the ending rather than being told exactly what happened.

i think i fell so under the spell of watching this relationship unfold that i, like phil and rose, was totally taken in by it and forgot what had happened in the first half of the film but crucially peter never does.

watching it a second time i had a very different experience to the first bc the ambiguity i felt from the ending disappeared as i watched them very delicately and deliberately set peters plan in place, all the small details i completely glossed over the first time coming into play. the detail of peter wearing gloves to touch the hide but taking them off when he reaches out to touch phil knocked me out the second time around.

i think overall i just really appreciated the subtlety but deliberateness of the movie. i LIKE that the movie is never explicit about the nature of phil and bh’s relationship bc its the sort of thing that phil himself could never be explicit about. they never spell out peters plan bc hes a character who keeps his cards so close to his chest etc. the structure of the movie is based around the way characters themselves experience the world

its a movie ive seen twice now and continue to want to talk to people about. i do understand why ppl wouldnt like it. its long and meandering and not that much really happens in the second half but i found it wildly compelling and its been a long time since i came out of a movie feeling like physical exhaustion like this

[thesolotomyhan]

narcos: dating them would include: gustavo gaviria hc

:)

Tags: @fandomnerd16​ @visintaes​ @sheeshgivemeabreak​ 

let me know if you want to be added/taken off the tag list! 

Warnings: NSFW!

ok, when I think of gustavo being in a relationship i can imagine it being full of pure bliss,

your relationship would make both of your hearts full for one another even when you’re not even looking at each other-

gustavo would need someone who is always on his side but also the complete opposite of his anxious ass,,

wow you would basically be the cushion he can fall back on at the end of the day without criticism from anyone. you would be his home :)

like whenever you see him scribbling all these numbers down in his little notepad for pablo, tirelessly working his mind off,,

you would be the one to pull him away, from his constant state of stress and help him breathe,,

“espérame otros 5 minutos bebé, ya casi acabo”

“gustavo, eso dijiste hace 2 horas, no va a pasar nada con tomarte un descanso, vamos” as your giving him like a shoulder rub, already seeing him relaxing in your touch,,,

god, gustavo is an affection whore,,i know he loves it when you run your hands through his hair, give him kisses, or even hugging him,,, just always touching him, your mere presence calms him and clears his mind,,

i feel like gustavo wouldnt be into taking you out to fancy dates, or clubs, he gives me more of, i’ll take you out to lunch instead, vibe,, c a s u a l

he’s not into publicity or showing you off in front of others that aren’t apart of the family-

but he wouldnt mind you holding his hand or giving him a quick kiss in front of others,, he actually likes that kind of stuff when you’re loving up on him,,

he would also be someone who likes to hold you from behind with his arms across your chest, holding you close to him,, where he might rock the both of you back and forth-

ok, but literally the cutest shit is when you come up to him after he spends all day at pablo’s house, just taking his hat off when you’re in front of him and giving him a sweet kiss,,

the little laugh he’ll give when you do that as he wraps one of his arms around you…

you would probably spend a lot of your time at pablo’s house with gustavo anyways because he would prefer to keep you nearby and not at home waiting for him-

omg, but also being best friends with tata would be a bonus,, just having an attached to the hip type of relationship with her-

, the two of you spilling chisme about pablo and gustavo when youre together,,,

just the perfect girl time with her-

ok listen, you would also be the favorite tia with pablo’s kids,,

just thinking about how you would always be down to play fútbol with juan pablo, or do whatever manuela’s heart desires from you,,

just being that tia that secretly gives them candies before dinner and doing water gun fights with them?? Please omg 

like the idea that you would be chasing them around the hacienda, full on laughing until you’re soaked from head to toe,,

there also might of been multiple times when the 3 of you teamed up and snuck up on tio gustavo who was taking a smoke break-

ugh, pablo would be laughing at the sight of gustavo swearing and chasing after the 3 of you-

wow ok also the thought of gustavo just watching you do all these things for those kids, how you never turn down any of their requests, would have him admiring you even more if it’s possible, his mujer

now is he going to have baby fever after he sees you do literally anything for that pair of kids? Maybe :)) 

god ok the longing look he would give you when he sees you walking into the room,,,

even tho youre not even looking in his direction because you would be talking with tata or something,

but gustavo would forget whatever tf he was talking to with pablo about and just stare at you, the smallest smile showing- omg

Pablo would endlessly tease gustavo for being soft with you even though he adores your relationship and you even more for keeping his cousin happy-

dragging him along to the family events for him to enjoy too, the amused look he would have as he watches you tug him forward to listen to pablo’s speech in front of everyone,,

i- he just gives me the feeling that he would put up with a lot your things just to see the excitement in your eyes-

like deep down he really loves it when you force him to do things,,

can you imagine having late night conversations with him, out on the bench by the pool, where you would be cuddled into his side,

just sitting there for hours with the soft fucking looks you would give each other, talking about everything,,

him singing the songs that would come on the radio to you, omg hold on 

and most of the times, pablo and tata would come join you guys

probably listening to the dumb things they used to do as kids, just, sharing laughs and stories until it gets so late, you’re falling asleep against gustavos chest,,,

fuck, ok but pablo telling gustavo when he sees that you fell asleep-

“no vayas a dejar ir a esa mujer, marica”

just- the way he would look down at you, peacefully sleeping, giving you a soft kiss on top of your head

the feel of the ring that sits inside of his pocket has him chuckling back at pablo,, and imagining how pretty it would look on your hand instead, Im not ok im sorry

NSFW:

ok here we gooo,,

so first off I have this picture in mind where he would be doing his financial things for the cartel out in this outdoor lawn table,-

just looking over the papers in front of him, writing down numbers with like a cigarette in between his lips,

as he just lets himself fall back into his chair, looking down at where you are, on your knees in front of him,,

moving your hair out of your face so he can see you better as you blow him-

just,,, the low groans he’ll let out when he sees you take all of him into your mouth-

“hijo de puta”-

running his hands over his face when he lets his head fall back, trying not to just fucking thrust into your mouth because he wants to see you gag so badly, but he holds himself back,,

he’ll be gripping the arm rest so hard it might break when he looks down again and sees the drool dripping from your lips as you bob you head -ok

so i see gustavo being someone who likes to take his time with you when he has time- a slowburn tempo

just kissing every part of your exposed skin each time he takes something new off of you, caressing wherever he can touch you-

he would know what spots would get you to respond to him quicker and what would have you gripping him harder- 

wanting to see you slowly fall apart,,, 

i feel like he would love to focus so much of his attention to your chest,especially when your on top of him,,

because I know gustavo likes being topped ok,,

just leaving as many marks as he can there- kissing and kneading you’re breasts as he watches you cave your head back,,

he would move his hands to your ass where he’ll encourage you to move your body to grind down on him, smiling against you when he hears you sigh his name out as you place your hands against his chest and move along with his movements,,

god, the way his hands would move to wander all over your back when you reach between the two of you to grasp his cock and slowly sink down onto him, your hands moving to grip his hair as an anchor,, 

he would let you adjust to him for as long as you need as he kisses your neck, letting you take the reins and control the speed whenever youre on top-

he’ll just watch you closely, loving the way you dig your nails into his shoulders as you try so hard to reach your high, once you start bouncing on him,, 

wow, the way how he only needs to thrust just once up into you to see you lose your momentum,

moving his hands up and down your legs when you plant your hands on his chest to steady yourself, -

probably teases you for getting distracted so easily,-

“sigue, pensé que vos quería esto”,- ok

the slow sex,omg

like i can imagine youre on your back with him on top of you, the both of you having your chests touching, nothing being able to get between the two of you,

your face right in front of his as he brings his hand to rest on your chest, slowly but harshly thrusting into you with your legs wrapped around his hips,,

god, his thrusts would have your body moving up on the bed, to the point where you have to put your hand against the headboard to stop yourself from hitting it-

he’ll just be whispering to you how beautiful you look taking him in as he leaves marks on the underside of your jaw,,

his thrusts gradually picking up speed as he moves to kiss your lips, muffling your moans,, as one of your hands come to tug on his hair-

his own hand would come up and hold the back of your neck when he feels you close to your orgasm, just wanting to see the way you roll your eyes back-

*and cuddling afterwards would be his shit,, 

nothing makes his heart warm than having you laying on his chest, mindlessly drawing patterns

your legs tangled with his as he holds you close, the smell of his fresh cigarette filling the room, both of your breaths slowly coming back as the two of you smile into each other,, -

god, and he would also be the mf to call you, when you’re not with him, to be ready for him when he gets home after a long day,, 

“ahorita llego en 15 minutos, te quiero en la cama esperándome”

wanting nothing than to relieve his stress by seeing you under him, moaning his name-

fuck,, just needing to feel you clench around him again while you move your hips up into him, your hair becoming a mess from his hold on it- wow

[blkgirl-writing]

To Leave A Broken Soul

Laurie Laurence x F!Reader Smut

Summary: Laurie can't help falling fast for you, a woman who can only stay for a month or two. How will the last day together end?

Warnings: SMUT! ANGST! oral (male receiving), Fingering, some fluff, basically fulfilling all the requests I got in one fic.

1.5k words

°°°°°°°°°

The way Laurie looked at you was something you had seen by many of men. A deep, internal longing.

You sat on the floor, leaning against the end of Laurie's wooden bed. Admittedly, the you had been sitting there in silence for what seemed like hours. Fiddling with each others fingers, him shamelessly lifting your shirt off so he could touch his "favorite part of your body"

Laurie had been staring at the blank wall for quite some time now, sighing dramatically every few moments. Eventually, he reached into his pant pocket, coming up with a hand rolled cigarette of some sorts, and a lighter. His loose poet's shirt, with a few buttons undone, fell ever so slightly off his shoulder, exposing the pale, glowing skin.

"I heard it makes time slow" he suggested, turning the item in his fingers a few times, before taking it in his lips, and lighting the end. His head leaned back against the wooden board. And lord, his profile was one of the gods. Hair messy and eyes low, effortlessly beautiful.

After a minute or two, he handed it to you, lazily looking over to your face, then eyes drawing to your bare chest. The way he licked his lips didnt go unnoticed by you.

You willingly pushed the joint into your lips, a somewhat familiar smoke flooding into your mouth, and flowing out just as soon as it entered. Laurie watched as your lips parted for another puff, intent on how your eyes fluttered shut. The way the sunlight caught on your lashes, dancing around you skin, the illusion of a greek goddess appearing right in front of him. Aphrodite. The sight of you being of pure sex, pure beauty. Love.

"Take a photograph, love. It will last longer," you tilted your head to the boy, offering the joint back to him, lips pressed into a sly smirk as his cheeks grew a rosey pink. Ah, how you loved to tease the witty, charming man.

"Why do you call me love when you insist on leaving me," laurie muttered, like a outing child denied of candy. He took a long drag, letting the smoke rest in his lungs for a few long moments. "It doesnt make any sense."

"There's worlds out there I have yet to see, love. People I have yet to fuck. Theatres I have yet to perform in." You smiled weakly. He could never understand. You knew this from the day you get him. To him, you were an unsolved mystery he dedicated endless works to unravel. "I'm a natural nomad as much as a lover, as much as a performer. I love a man or woman with each place, and call it by their name from that point on. Memories can mean so much more than reality."

"I don't think I can see any womans breast without thinking of you," Laurie stated.

"Surely you'll sleep with enough women to forget my body,"

"A man never forgets perfection." You hummed at that, lips pressing into a smile.

"Why don't we create a memory right now?" Your movements were slow, calculated, sensual. A leg draping over his hips, your crotch pressed against his, as you slowly pressed kisses from his jaw, down to his neck.

Laurie's breath was heavy in his chest, hands frozen like the first time he had been with you. But he said your name like a prayer, to keep going, to never stop.

Your fingers undid the buttons of his shirt, carefully running the tips of your nails down his chest, lips trailing not far behind.

His hands finally went to touch you, as you undid the buckle of his belt, and pushed aside the fabric covering his cock. He was already painfully hard for you, precum leaking hopelessly down. You couldn't help but laugh.

"Quite needy, hm?"

"Always," he muttered, impatiently. But fast cut off by the intense pleasure that wrapped his whole body as you took his cock into your wet mouth, bottoming out and gagging ever so slightly. So wet and warm, and tight. Fuck.

Your head bobbed at an agonizing pace, hands rubbing his thighs. Eyes fixed on his, though, admittedly wandering to his lips occasionally, seeing the way he bit into them, fighting the urge to tell the whole world how fucking good you were at this.

It didnt take him long until he grabbed you chin, lifting your lips away from him in a desperate plea to stop before he came down your throat. Oh, you had taught him well. Always pleasure the woman with the same about that she gives you, if not more.

He lead you lips to his, tasting himself on you, bucking his length into your covered heat. Slyly inching his hand down into your underwear, slipping a finger gently into you. Pumping slowly into your pussy with a blessed "come here" motion.

Shamelessly, you moaned into the ever lasting kiss as he added another finger. Rocking your hips into his touch, grinding down into his palm.

"Fuck, f-faster. Laurie, you have to go faster" you buried your face into the crook of his neck, biting down on the pale skin.

"Hmm, quite needy." He repeated your words, teasing with a fox like grin on his face. Knowing you'd be annoyed at his cockiness. But you were far too turned on to care at this point.

The lust was thick in the air. His barely covered chest pressed against your cold, exposed one. His lips biting and nipping at your collar bone, that sweet, delicious spot that sent you over the edge, moaning in pure bliss as he pumped his nimble fingers through you high, purring sweet nothings as your body shook.

His eyes were blown when you looked down at him,

"I dont want this to end," he said, kissing your shoulder as you kicked off the remaining garment hanging from your hips. "I want to fuck you forever. I want to sip your sweet wine."

You didnt answer him. You didnt have an answer. The air hung dry with his wants, his needs. They wouldnt come true, both of you knew that. It had been obvious from the start of your friendship, relationship, thing. You were here for two months, then off to the next country. And yet Laurie still felt somewhat slighted. Like he wasnt good enough. And maybe he wasn't. He was childish and needy. But he was enough.

His lips caught yours again, devouring your essence like he had been starving for years. Hands digging into your hips like you would float away if he let go.

Laurie groaned as you grinded down on his cock, kissing you harder, bringing along with you, a plea to be able to be inside you.

Something you could easily comply with.

You snaked a hand in between you, grabbing his cock and leading it to your entrance, pausing for a moment, just to tease, before sinking down on him.

Laurie whimpered, a truly sinful sound. his teeth sunk into your bottom lip as he made short thrusts in you, craving your warmth, the movement.

Slowly, you grinded up and down on his dick, taking a fistful of his thick hair as you bottomed out. His hips shortly meeting yours, bucking further into you. A gasp fell from your lips as his tip pushed against your cervix, an uncomfortable yet so fucking good sensation.

"La..laurie. keep, keep doing that," you muttered, voice breathy and weak. He hummed, obviously pleased by the power shift. His short, unbelievably deep thrusts had tou both moaning each others names, lost in the moment of sharing each other, climaxes seconds away, before breaking in a harmonic beauty. Laurie spilled inside you for what felt like ages. If you didnt know better, you would've thought he hadn't had sex for years, and finally we was able to cum. The air was thick with sex, weary breaths and hot skin. His head now nuzzled in your neck, hands gently resting on your waist, your own fingers playing with his hair.

He didnt pull out of you until you both were able to look each other in the eyes.

"I'll miss this," you whispered, suddenly feeling empty without him inside you. "You're...really something, Laurie."

"If you don't leave right now, I won't be able to let go," Laurie's eyes pleased with you. The look of helplessness, saddness...it was too much. Tears trickled down his cheeks. You let out a forced laugh, kissing the trail of tears.

"If that's what you wish." Just like that, you threw back on or clothes lazily, and slipped out the door. Looking back for a split second, seeing his slumped body, eyes boaring into your form with fire and ice. A true Passion unknown to most.

"Goodbye, love."

[scaredlittlekitten]

Trigger warning: SH

So I started self-harming when I was 13/14. I dont really remember why, but it was bad. I used to do it every day. When I was 15-16, it wasnt everyday, it depended on the mood. Sometimes months would go by and I wouldnt do it, sometimes I did it multiple times a week.

Last year in november, I had a really bad break-up. I cant remember much from december 2019, I was just in a drugged and starved haze. But something that somehow stopped was the self-harm. I was at my lowest point in my life, and I wasn't cutting myself. I also stopped smoking cigarettes in this period, and I think I had the same reason: I was too exhausted to do it.

Slowly I was getting better, now I'm 19 and I've been in an amazing relationship for almost 7 months now. Sadly I did start smoking again, but this relationship has kept me clean from SH for almost 8 months now! Sometimes I'd think about it, but I'd remind myself that I literally wouldn't be able to hide the scars from my bf. And it would destroy him if I hurt myself like that.

But tonight, idk what happened. This is the longest period I've been clean of SH. And nothing bad happened today, I've actually had a pretty good day. Maybe it's just period hormones idk. But I just saw how fat I was and I just started crying. Usually, I'm able to cut myself when this overwhelming feeling of disappointment comes. And I felt like I needed it so bad tonight, and I couldn't. So for the first time in many years, I did the butterfly challenge.

If you dont know what the butterfly challenge is, basically its drawing butterflies on the places you want to SH. And as long as those butterflies are visible, you cant SH otherwise youd 'kill' the butterfly. I chose to name them, I put a little letter next to each of them.

Just felt like sharing, this is a place where people actually understand what I feel

[sastrugie]

john entwistle biography review

ok so first: I didnt really like the biography because I thought it would focus on totally different aspects. John was a musical virtuoso and that hardly ever gets mentioned in the book. But we get exact axccounts on how much money he spent on what day and in which pub he bought which champagne. like wow thanks. The other personal stuff is basic who knowledge you can read in any other Who biography. His autobiographical bits were joy and fun! Maybe the only reason to buy the book in my opinion. He writes totally different than the author...

ANYWAYS: here my fav facts from the book that you probably didnt know before

this is the face of a man who -when his father gave him driving lessons for his 21st birthday as a present- decided driving wasnt really his thing and he spent the money on clothes and parties instead. He never had a drivers license ever and also never desired to have one 

the hospital he was born in, was bombarded and destructed one day after his birth

as a child he was really weak and thin and had basically every disease that existed

his family was poor af

his father left the family early and held contact with his son, but soon disappeared with a new family

his stepdad, Gordon, disliked John alot and would ignore him, hated everything John did or said and he let his bad moods out on Johns mother, which caused John to be very silent and observative around the house so that there wouldnt be any trouble

he did everything to please Queenie (his mom) so that there was no fighting, according to Alison

loved drawing and playing but usually alone since he had no friends apart from their dog

he heard a trumpet solo once from a trad jazz band when he was 6 or so and decided he wanted to learn the trumpet

my fav line of the book probably: “despite his own expectations, he passed the exams to go to grammar school” like same

at school he was bullied from the older boys but soon left alone by them because he would fight back with badass comments 

he applied for the school band for the trumpet but the tallest guy in the year was chosen (he was the 2nd tallest)  which made John mad, but he discovered the french horn

soon he found a friend, mickey brown, at last and he gave him the nickname “ent”

he was so terrible in P.E that he was dismissed with other pupils to play somehwere else, they were called “the hockey misfits” and guess who was among them: Pete Townshend.

yeah as you might know they became besties because they loved music and black humour.

he found himself a gf (alison) and Pete & a school gang (like 4 ppl) and his life seemed to finally get where it should.

his worst subjects were geography and german like wow (im a german geography student lmao)

once they played in a pub and johns stepdad was there and was super angry and gave john a list with his fav pubs and told him “these are the places I never want to hear your fucking music playing”.

after walking home pete decided to switch the guitar and john wanted to become a musician more than ever

Roger found him and John kind of convinced him (it took months apparently) to get Pete into the band and then it all started

he judged the beatles because John Lennons harmonica was “out of tune” in love me do, wow ok you nerd

john started smoking with 20 and was the last one to quit his job for the band and he was against drugs at first (bc he had a “civilized” job) but then decided to give a shit, dyed his hair black, bought cigarettes, smoked dope with pete and did speed too

he wanted to step out of himself and feel good about himself and he was always a fashionnerd so he started buying and trading and selling clothes (he once was dismissed from school bc he wore the school uniform incorrectly)

with 18 or so he was still living at home, had a toy soldier collection and a pet budgie

pete and his college friends made fun of john bc he wasnt a student and still lived at home, although john could have gone to college too and he wanted to, but his stepdad again said no and he had no choice.

he was very awkward and introverted but could open up with his music 

he was really into pop art (esp pop art clothes)

was a pseudo mod bc he only liked the fancy clothes and motown music

with the who he found a purpose in his life and finally could be different than ordinary ppl

hated when people touched his hair, he literally hated it

would fuss much about his hair in general

once after a concert they were starving and the room service was alreday home so they had to look on used plates and food wagons and John found a shrimp and said: “who wants to dine with me tonight?” (idk that really made me laugh)

keith moon was john entwistles soulmate and they were the cutest, most iconic and funniest duo ever end of discussion

his amps would soon be called little manhatten bc he had so many bc he wanted to be loud

he actually went to sing at church once when he was like 24 and the band made fun of him then he stopped

in the late 60s he bought a house with alison in a normal neighbourhood and went walking the dogs on sundays and stuff

but he was a party animal and always the last to go

he was really sensitive and cried often according to Alison but only in front of certain people

he would totally step out of his way to please people

when they played at the monterey pop festival they didnt bring their own amps along and john was furious bc he said the american amps are shit and kit was like “no” and john didnt talk to him for the whole festival until their perfomance was over and they had sounded like shit to tell kit “I TOLD YOU SO” thats how extra he was

when he got money he would spend it bc he was so used to being poor that he thought it wouldnt last long and he had to enjoy it NOW

he was always calm and everyone respected him and kit told a story where he entered the room and roger was at keiths throat and and pete was screaming something and john was sitting in the corner cleaning his nails. thats who energy

liked to dance at parties

his fav drink was rémy cognac with 40% and he would drink like 1 bottle alone everyday in his later years...wow dude

he was also gentlemanTM and once paid taxis for girls from london to brighton after a party

once at a wedding the free drinks were out and John just gave the barkeeper his creditcard and said he will pay for all the drinks of the night for everyone (it wasnt his wedding)

Roger once said: “John made smartass comments that deserved a punch in the face” sounds like him yes

he didnt really care about money and always wanted to pay and never told anyone how much things had cost and brought gifts for everyone

soon that ended in a shopping addiction tho and he bought ridiculous things for ridiculous amounts of money

when the who was inactive he sank into depression :(

held the band together during who by numbers & who are you

wrote and played all the quadrophenia horn parts himself

never lost his passion for art and always drawed alot, said Alison

cried when Christopher was born aww

once he saw their manager in an art museum and how he wanted to buy a painting but couldnt afford it, so John bought it secretly and shipped it to said managers home as a gift

We all know John was a huge collector. His most treasured collection was .. wait for it: teapots.

he tried to save Keith from being arrested once and ended up being arrested too lol

wanted to write a scifi concept album but desorted the idea and gave some songs to the who (905) or Pete

was a good cook apparently

When he gave a hug HE was the one who decided when to let go sdfghjk

hated confrontation and would hire other people to tell someone bad news

he spent so much money on dumb shit like wtf

but didnt really care either

probably the master in picking up and seducing girls

he let his stepdad live in the quarwood mansion when he wasnt there but Gordon was still an asshole wtf

the contact to his real dad was really sporadic

when the who ended, it hit him really hard and he didnt know what to do besides partying and buying stuff/hording stuff

was very insecure and selfconscious in the 80s according to Maxene :(

he actually took pete breaking up the who really personal and was sad 24/7

was that kind of guy that said bad stuff about the who but when you said bad stuff he would try to kill you on spot

with cocaine he felt really confident and still like the 60s/70s rockstar he once was but he didnt understand that these times were over and he needed to move on

sometimes went into random pubs with friends and made jam sessions for the guests

he still was generous and loving until he died and tried to play with other bands but it was not the same

he really liked Kenney and hung out with him more than with his wife at some point lmao

was a total giver and people who worked at quarwood would steal money from him but when someone pointed that out he got angry with that person for even suggesting that

was a real softieee (and a huge nerd)

all his friends said that he was shy at first but once you got to know him he would come totally out of himself, was very funny, loved to tell stories, was very very loyal and would try evertyhing to make you laugh aww

all in all a glorious story with a sad ending and he did destroy himself completely, but lets remember that Pete Townshend described old John still as "wonderful, mature and elegant” so lets cling on to that :)

[guidedbygunpla]

Gundam REDUX Side Story chapter 1

             “dad, I’m so sorry, Honeydew tripped while we were out riding, she can’t get up. Dad what do we do” the young child called up to his father, an older man, twice the age of his wife, and ten times the age of his young son.              “son, Honeydews leg is broken” his father said, cold and expressionless, looking at the horse laying in the mud mewing in pain. His son barely tall enough to ride it. Apparently too young for the responsibility.

             “but the animal doctor can help her right? The man who came to give her her shots? He can fix it right” his son said, tears in his eyes pulling at the robe his father wore. Regal and clean, white and gold

             “son he could set her leg yes, he could mend it and it could heal. But it will hurt her forever. She’ll never walk correctly again. She’ll never live a moment of her life not in pain again. The right thing to do is to put her down. “ he said crouching down and running his hands through his sons blonde hair.

               “Cassie, go grab the rifle from the car…..it’s the right thing to do” His father said, his tone low and calm

             “dad no! we can’t! I love Honeydew you can’t kill her!” he said tears pouring down his face

             “I won’t kill her son….you have to do that, she’s your responsibility. She needs to know that you made her pain end”

 His father went and grabbed the bolt action rifle from the back of the black limosene that sat at the front of the stable. The boy laid there holding the horses neck, trying to comfort them. His father came back, rifle in hand and put a hand on his shoulder

               “Casval, it’s time.”

 ________________________________________________________

Char lay slumped against the control panel, his zaku buried slightly in the remains of the woods that the forest fire had left behind. Kentucky was still burning, and he was still far too close to the federations mobile suits to be safe. He couldn’t breathe, its like his throat had closed up on him, he was crying, but there was no gasp for air, just tears, tears and tense muscles.

               “I killed him” he spoke, his voice a growl

             “I killed Garma……why in the world did I kill him”

               Images flew through his head, his father gasping for air on stage, as Degwin, Garmas father began to smile, standing at his side. The zabi soldiers pounding on his families mansion, his mother crying as he and his sister were taken away from her. Her face in the newspaper when he was on earth, Wife of famed cult leader Zeon Zum Deikun found murdered.

             Garma the first day he met him, a fresh faced 19 year old. Didn’t even know how to tie a tie.

Soft skin, soft hair

That little way he twirled his hair when he was nervous

His sister crying for days after they landed on earth

Being trained on his place as the head of the family by a family friend Jimba Ral

Sneaking away from that life, taking the place of another family friend Charles Aznable, and flying away to a Zeon military academy

Why did fate have to do this to him

Why did I have to do this

Why did I have to kill him

 He was shaking in his seat now, panic gripping him

They would find the camera data In his suit, or Garma or Grams suit, they would see his suit was pristine, and draw a conclusion, he had to do something

  Chars hand shook nonstop as he pressed the button to open his hatch

               “I need air”

He could hear his voice, but he didn’t feel like he was speaking

 He pressed the button on the side of his seat to pop up the emergency maintenance system, turning his center monitor into a small keyboard.

               “First things first, I need to wipe the video data……no but if I do that, they will be able to pull that from the black box” char slumped against his chair

What the fuck had he just done

Was this worth it?

                                          An idea crept into his mind

He typed away at the keyboard pulling up maintenance logs, a picture of a beam saber wound left on another zaku.

               “it just might work” Char said as he pressed away on his control stick, engaging the heat hawk and cranking its temp beyond its limiter, he raised the zakus arm twisted the heat hawk around and slid it into the body of the zaku slightly below his cockpit, melting the hard drives for camera, and audio recording. Now was the matter of the black box, it sat right below the pilot seat. Char grabbed the pilots helmet that sat locked in above him, slid off his captains helmet and then pulled the helmet down over him. He pressed the buttons to close the cockpit hatch. A few maneuvers of the control stick and infront of him his monitors began to melt, and crack as the heat hawk slipped through the wall that protected him from the outside world, he raised his feet up onto his seat, moved the hand and heat hawk away from the hatch, and opened the hatch again, he then took the leading edge of his heat hawk and slid it into the front of the cockpit, the heat was over whelming, but he watched his seat catch fire below him, and watched the side of the black box’s orange covering melt and bubble and then watched the boards inside of it become exposed, pop and bubble and catch fire as well

 He pushed the control stick back fast, and stomped out the fire on his seat. The smell of the burning plastic and metal made him woozy.

               “there, all the data is gone, now to sell this damage before the heat hawk burns up”

He began throwing the hawk into his suit wildly, and sheered off the left arm of his zaku. Char started laughing, as tears rolled down his face. He stumbled out of the Zaku and reached up and grabbed ahold of the climbing wire that hung inside the cockpit, and rode it down to the ground. It was cold out, despite the forest fire around them. Chars hands were still shaking, he reached around his dress uniform and found the pocket where he stored his cigarette case              “keep saying I’m going to quit you” he said with a small laugh as he slid one between his teeth and used the lighter he kept in the case to light it. The smoke slowed his shaking, and his mind.

             “he didn’t deserve that…” Char said, exhaling slowly “he was a good man, sure his dads a murderer, and he only got where he is because his dad murdered mine…..but” he stopped, taking a long drag “he didn’t deserve that……fuck…..Cassie what is wrong with you……ugh” he grunted as he threw the cigarette to the dirt, and rubbed it out with his foot. He heard a gun cock behind him

             “Char, you have 10 fucking seconds to explain to me what just happened.” He heard, the voice was familiar it was Garmas wingman, Gram.              “Gram now there is a perfectly reasonable answer……let’s be adults about this, no need to point a gun at me” Char said as he turned around and saw the man, he seemed to have broken his arm and his clothes looked to be badly burned

             “fuck that Char, you shot down Prince Garma, and then I find you here in the woods carving up your own Zaku? The fuck could explain this?”              “it’s easy, this will explain everything” Char said as he reached into his pocket and grabbed his officers tablet, and started to walk towards Gram, he saw gram lower the gun slightly, and then quickly with his other hand he pulled his side arm and shot gram!

             The shot was sloppy, clipping Gram in the lung, Gram fired a shot off too, that caught Char in the bicep of his left arm

             Gram lay on the forest floor gasping for air

             Char clutched his arm, and approached Gram

             “Gram you could’ve just walked away, you didn’t have to get involved….”

He saw Gram reaching for his side arm, Char kicked it away and stared down at the man gasping for air

             “figure I could just leave you here, you’ll die before someone comes to get you, or I could end this fast for you….before I decide that though.... I want to tell you something Gram, see how you react” Char said staring down at the man who was trying to yell at him, but couldn’t find the air

               “I killed Garma Zabi because when I was a very small child, his father, Degwin poisoned my father with Aconitum, I know that because while Kycelia Zabis Royal guard didn’t detect anything was amiss, Jimba ral found a large stash of it, and books on processing it in a fire place in my fathers former palace. I killed Garma so that Degwin would have to feel the pain I have lived my whole life feeling…..how does that make you feel Gram, am I justified in my actions or am I a monster?” Char said aiming the gun at Grams face

             “you…..dumb…..fucking……liar” Gram got out between gasps, blood coming out the side of his mouth

             “Seig Zeon” Char said as he fired 3 shots through Grams head

   Char reached into his boot grabbing the knife he kept there. 

              “the things I do for love” he spoke slowly as he poked the blade into the hole in his arm and popped the bullet out, luckily it was a low caliber and it didnt dig in too deep. he thought about laying his arm against the heat hawk, make it look like a burn instead of a gun shot wound, but he figured he’d be under enough suspicion as it was, selling a gun shot that strayed into his slashed open cockpit wouldnt be the hardest thing. at least now there wouldnt be a zeon round in the wound 

The door came up with a creek  when Char climbed back into the Zaku, and he had to pilot using the emergency screen stored in the attic above his seat, luckily the hole in the cockpit hatch made it easy enough to breath as the smoke was able to leak out of the room.

  Char piloted the suit north, knowing reinforcements would be heading for Kentucky soon enough.

             A great Green Gow broke over the horizon, and a garbled transmission called out over the emergency receiver

             “CHAR IS THAT YOU? WHERE IS MY BROTHER? WHERE IS GARMA” he heard through the static. It was Dozle. Char didn’t respond, he simply kneeled the zaku down, and climbed back out. The gow landed and dozle came out to meet him

               “Char where is the rest of the team that went to hunt the feddie suits?”

             “it’s just me, they were so fast…..they just overtook us so fast”              “Char…..Char don’t lie to me” Dozle said, tears welling up in the great mans eyes

             “I watched him get shot down Dozle, that sniper, his rifle, the beam left a hold like a rocket blast in Garmas suit, there was nothing I could do, and the white knight nearly took me out, it would’ve succeeded if Gram hadn’t shot them and given me room to get away

             “Char no……he was your……he was my…..” Dozel hugged char in a great hug and cried hysterically

             Char felt tears run down his face too

               "I wish I had your luster Garma, I wish I could hold you for the rest of your life, I wish I didn't have to say goodbye to you"              "you'll be the death of me Char, you're too much"

[theycallmegothboy]

1-100 >:DDDD REVENGE!!!

FELIXXXXXXXXXXXX >:(( 1. Spotify, SoundCloud, or Pandora?  -spotify  2. is your room messy or clean? -it’s pretty messy i guess  3. what color are your eyes? -blue and grey

4. do you like your name? why? -yeah it’s fine 5. what is your relationship status? -single 6. describe your personality in 3 words or less -certified intrusive thot 7. what color hair do you have? -brown and rn it’s red 8. what kind of car do you drive? color? -i dont have a car 9. where do you shop? -hot topic, goodwill, target 10. how would you describe your style? -comfy emo 11. favorite social media account -of mine, probably discord or youtube 12. what size bed do you have? -twin >:(( 13. any siblings? -i have 1.5 brothers  14. if you can live anywhere in the world where would it be? why? -probably vancouver, idk canada seems lit 15. favorite snapchat filter? -i like the one with devil horns and a tail but its cute 16. favorite makeup brand(s) -i dont wear makeup 17. how many times a week do you shower? -i used to shower every day, but i dont do anything that gets me dirty so like maybe 3 times but if i leave the house then i shower 18. favorite tv show? -stranger things 19. shoe size?  -8 or 9 20. how tall are you? -5′6 with shoes >:(( 21. sandals or sneakers? -sneakers wtf 22. do you go to the gym? -lol no 23. describe your dream date -making some pie or something together and then eating the pie and then sitting on some rooftop looking at stars 24. how much money do you have in your wallet at the moment? -quite a bit actually but i’m saving up for a phone lol so soon it will be like maybe 10 dollars lmao 25. what color socks are you wearing? -not wearing socks but the ones i had earlier were white (ankle length) 26. how many pillows do you sleep with? -just one but it sucks 27. do you have a job? what do you do? -NO BUT IM TRYING TO GET A JOB BUT THE FUCKIN PEOPLE THERE ARE GHOSTING ME AND WONT REPLY TO MY EMAILS SO LIKE SBJHBJS 28. how many friends do you have? -like 4 lmao 29. whats the worst thing you have ever done? -idk nothing super bad but i do a lot of small shit that makes me feel guilty when i realize what i did 30. whats your favorite candle scent? -juniper rosewood 31. 3 favorite boy names -leo, clay, charlie 32. 3 favorite girl names -ivy, uh... idk thats all ive got 33. favorite actor? -no clue 34. favorite actress? -no clue 35. who is your celebrity crush? -not a celeb but i’d smash danny phantom 36. favorite movie? -nightmare before christmas or edward scissorhands 37. do you read a lot? whats your favorite book? -no, but my fav book is probably the prince and the pauper? idk 38. money or brains? -CASH MONEYYYY jk probably brains but if your entire personality is being “smart” like fuck off lmao   39. do you have a nickname? what is it? - a bunch of people call me son (see #49, #100), some call me rat, dumdum, goth boy

40.how many times have you been to the hospital? -just once i think when i was birthed. i also went once with my brother cause he kicked some scissors i left out on the floor and it sliced his toe the fuck open and he needed stitches and i watched him get the stitches and almost passed out :/ 41. top 10 favorite songs -please dont make me do this i dont have it in me 42. do you take any medications daily? -yea i take 20mg of vyvanse but i need to get it raised to 30 cause 20 is Not Enough 43. what is your skin type? (oily, dry, etc) -i got some dry fuckin skin yall dont even know 44. what is your biggest fear?  -it depends. the dark is a pretty constant one though 45. how many kids do you want? -like 2 or 3 eventually 46. whats your go to hair style? -in my face, looking stupid 47. what type of house do you live in? (big, small, etc)  -it’s pretty small 48. who is your role model? -i dont fuckin know lmao  49. what was the last compliment you received? - “i belive in you, my son, you’re an amazing human being“ (same friend mentioned in #100, not actually a parent of mine) 50. what was the last text you sent? -”no it’s a raccoon“ YOU GET NO CONTEXT LMAO 51. how old were you when you found out santa wasn’t real? -i dont think i ever hardcore believed in him, maybe i did though i remember sleeping under the tree one christmas eve waiting for him but i was like “oh yeah that makes sense“ i guess 52. what is your dream car?  -i honestly dont give a shit as long as it actually fucking works 53. opinion on smoking? -cigarettes? fuck no that’s nastyyy. weed? that’s fine i guess but wait till you’re like 18.  54. do you go to college? -no. am sophomore n highschool 55. what is your dream job?  -musician/palentologist 56. would you rather live in rural areas or the suburbs?  -fuck the suburbs lmao, but also im tired of rural, so like.. semi urban?? 57. do you take shampoo and conditioner bottles from hotels?  -no but i take the little soaps >:)) 58. do you have freckles?  -yes 59. do you smile for pictures? -awkwardly, yes 60. how many pictures do you have on your phone?  -dont have a phone but i have like 12 on my computer currently. 4 are of me, the rest are of my cat or random shit 61. have you ever peed in the woods?  -yes 62. do you still watch cartoons?  -cartoons these days kinda suck but like if they were good fuck yeah i would like gravity falls can come hang yknow? 63. do you prefer chicken nuggets from Wendy’s or McDonalds? -i had nuggets from mcdonalds today so i guess them? i dont really care 64. Favorite dipping sauce?  -i got sweet and sour but i dont like it that much. that schezuan sauce was great 65. what do you wear to bed?  -wouldnt you like to know? ;))  66. have you ever won a spelling bee?  -NO ive only been in two. the first one i misspelled the word “turmoil“ cause i had never heard it before and the second one i spelled the word “owed“ as “ode“ cause i was thinking like ode to joy and then i felt like a big Fool afterwards :(( 67. what are your hobbies? -lol what hobbies 68. can you draw?  -i am physically able to draw, but not well, no 69 (haha). do you play an instrument? -yeah i play a few 70. what was the last concert you saw?  -i saw Chicago in either georgia or tennessee i cant remember in like 2016 71. tea or coffee? -hot coffee, iced tea. NOT the other way around. (i love both though) 72. Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts? -starbucks 73. do you want to get married? -sure why not 74. what is your crush’s first and last initial? -dont have a crush 75. are you going to change your last name when you get married?  -idk maybe 76. what color looks best on you?  -i dont know but i wear black a lot and that’s pretty dope 77. do you miss anyone right now? -yeah  78. do you sleep with your door open or closed? -closed 79. do you believe in ghosts? -on the fence. not 100% “oh my god look at these gHoSt oRbS i need to sage my house!!!“ but i accept that there’s some things i wont understand about the world and that i have no answers to. i wouldnt be surprised if there are, and i wouldnt be surprised if there aren’t. 80. what is your biggest pet peeve? -whatever my adhd decides i viscerally hate with a firey passion right at that moment  81. last person you called -my brother (the 1 of the 1.5 from #13 and the one who sliced his toe in #40) 82. favorite ice cream flavor?  -chocolate is dope 83. regular oreos or golden oreos?  -regular double stuff. if you say golden, mint, peppermint, or thin oreos i’m gonna have to euthanize you, i dont make the rules.  84. chocolate or rainbow sprinkles? -rainbow cause it’s prettier  85. what shirt are you wearing?  -queen shirt from hot topic 86. what is your phone background? -i didnt get a phone between question 60 and now but my computer one is some mountains with the moon in the background 87. are you outgoing or shy? -really depends on who i’m around 88. do you like it when people play with your hair? -YES FUCK AAAAAAA (this girl played with my hair literally once in middle school and i was like oh shit and i had a crush on her until the end of middle school true story,,, so ashley if you’re out there-) 89. do you like your neighbors? -to the left they’re fine and their dog is nice but idk what happened to the horses so that’s sus but that’s where our cat came from so they can hang  guess, behind me they’re fine but their boys are loud, to the right they’re fine, and even further to the right are the dope neighbors and waaaaaaaaaay far to the right is a llama and he’s dope as hell 90. do you wash your face? at night? in the morning? -whenever the fuck i remember to/have the energy 91. have you ever been high?  -i dont think so but i wouldnt put it past myself 92. have you ever been drunk?  -not that i can remember, no 93. last thing you ate?  -sloppy joe from a can 94. favorite lyrics right now -”not gonna waste my life, cause i’ve been fucked up“ 95. summer or winter?  -fall. fuck you 96. day or night?  -night but i like it when it’s actually night and it doesnt get dark at like 4 fucking pm cause that makes me depressed 97. dark, milk, or white chocolate? -dark is good, milk is fine, white is only suitable for fancy stripes on chocolate covered strawberries 98. favorite month?  -i vibe with september 99. what is your zodiac sign -sagittarius (was almost a scorpio but i was holding out >:))) 100. who was the last person you cried in front of?  -in person, my mom like 6 months ago, on a discord call, my friend (i love you by the way, you’re the best,,, i dont think he has tumblr but im just putting it out there) like a month or so ago. i hate crying in front of people, i turn into such a hyperventilating snot monster which is not suitable for human gaze and thats the real tea :/

felix this took like 2 hours of my life i will never get back i hate you and i hope you’re happy with what you’ve done <3 <3

also anyone who wants to stalk me, enjoy this information that im handing to you on a silver platter :)) <3

[revol-lover]

dreams don’t end at “30″

so i just had a little breakthrough and maybe this wont sound like anything to anyone else but i just have to share it

so i’ve talked about this before. about how my friend and i were both planning these personal development like goals for this year that covid got in the way of. and he said something, about how this is his last year in his 20s and he wanted to get some goals accomplished before 30 

and i thought about that and realized something.

i have been feeling similarly about a few goals that i’ve been hanging onto for years and years. like i’m going to be honest with you, some people might remember this if you’ve been around here for a long time but probably not. anyway when i was in high school i really wanted to make music, sing, learn an instrument. and i did make some covers that i posted on myspace (showing my age here lol) and youtube but then i kind of gave up on it when

 1) became 18 and realized my dream to go to NYC and pursue music when i was 18 wasn’t happening because of a million reasons (it was very much a pipe dream, right? i mean you can’t have that dream and not prepare for it and i didnt. also i was too scared at the time to even move out to my own place if i had the funds to do so because my parents wouldnt have really approved and i was still so under their thumb) 

2) broke up with my musician boyfriend. which needed to happen. but he was the only person super passionate about that kind of goal at the time around me (till he ran lol)  and he actually is still doing music now so good for him but basically 

because of those 2 reasons i just let go of that dream all together as something i thought i wanted to do but was “unrealistic”.

but the thing about turning 30 and feelings like you needed to achieve all these personal/dreamy/goals in your 20s. what is that bullshit? why? 

what changes when you cross over to 30? i’ll tell you one thing. media pushes movies, books, films, everything about people chasing their dreams in their 20s and “settling” down in their 30s. where’s my inspiring movie about the 32 year old mom who finally wrote a song and performed it live after being terrified her whole life of doing so?

 think about it though

in your 30s you. *might* have a better paying job than you did in your 20s. which means, if you can manage to find time or a way for it, you *might* be able to save a little more money or afford to do something like, buy that guitar and guitar lessons in order to learn to play and write a song and live out your dream in some way, even if its just learning to play so you can play at an open mic. and maybe you’ll like that and you’ll somehow connect with likeminded people and form a band. idk. your dreams dont have to end in your 20s. 

you dont have to fall into the trap of your 20s are for your dreams that are so big you feel like the chance of achieving them is getting struck by lightening

and then your 30s are for fancy adult goals like buying a house, and going on a $10k vacation and those things are probably just as hard as the goals you had in your 20s but the world wont make you see it that way. its seen as “selfish” to prioritize and budget for your artistic goals - but not a house. no that’s responsible and what you “should” do. but its ok to prioritize something that’s going to give your soul fulfillment too! we need to believe that! because it’s true. we are not here just to work our jobs and live mundane colorless lives once we aren’t considered “young” anymore (but 30s are still young. not what i’m saying)

 you’re always going to be chasing something big and if you let the world control what that thing is you’re always going to be on some rat race. 

it’s fine if you achieve your goals in a different order than the world says you were supposed to. i got married young and had a child young, that was how my life played out and i’m happy with that because, yes, finding love and becoming a mother very much were goals of mine.

yes i dropped out of college because i couldn’t afford it and i couldnt find a major that felt worth being in debt for. and also, because hey guess what? contrary to what a lot of people will try to lead you to believe, college is not for everyone. and college does not = success. college drop out does not = failure. it’s just an option of something you could do with your life. AND if you didn’t go to your college in your 20s it doesnt mean you can’t in your 30s. or 50s. hell my husband, who did go to college saw elderly (think, 80s!) people going to his college as students! college isn’t just for 18 year olds fresh out of high school. 

My 27th birthday is in 2 weeks and no, i have not yet to worked up the courage to write an original song from words to music, or have the courage to get on a stage and sing anything, or talk to a stranger, or publish any of my writing or art, goals i’ve had whirling around in my brain since I was 18, but, it’s going to happen. maybe this year. maybe when i’m 35, but it’s going to happen. a number is not going to be the thing holding me back.

that whole mentality of “my youth is slipping away i need to achieve all these dreams before midnight the day of my 30th birthday” is so stupid and flawed and we all deserve to see ourselves, and our individual potential as more than that. 

last part of this rant - one of the reason i even became so passionate about reignighting some of my dusty, old goals, that it turned out, i still cared about, is because i had a moment where i was like

ok i am a mom. i am someones mom. how will my daughter see me, as a person, not just her mom? 

kevin and i always talk about how between the two of us we’ve both had a lot of quintessential young adult experiences that we look forward to sharing with her. like, quitting jobs, getting in car accidents, that one time i unknowingly participated in an illegal bonfire and ran from the cops then lied straight to their faces and somehow got away with it (literally my ONE act of teen rebellion), changing college majors like 3 years in (kevin), failed classes, tried cigarettes, etc like i’m ready, and hope that one day she will feel comfortable talking to us about things because we’ve been through things and have a lot of input and two different perspectives to offer

but further than that, i realized that i want her to know that her mom is a person too. i want her to know that mom is also passionate about writing, and music, and somehow tackled some of her goals in regards to that so that SHE can feel that SHE, too can do those things. and i know that, that is in part how it works 

because,

my dad IS an artist. my dad IS a musician. yall. my dad is SO talented.  my dad is brilliant. besides his artistic abilities which include, drawing literal realistic as fuck portraits, sculpting, painting, playing guitar, bass, piano, mandolin, he also knows music composition, etc etc etc beyond all of that, he also taught himself fucking PLUMBING and ELECTRICIAN SHIT to fix things in our house growing up. like he bought a book. and taught himself. my dad. i grew up thinking that was normal but i realized not everyones dad can just tear down the bathroom and rebuild it from scratch down to the plumbing without being a licensed professional.

but anyway the point is - as talented as my dad is, he doesnt really pursue his artistic dreams much. and its sad. i’m glad that i’ve seen some of the work he did when he was younger. i’m glad that if i bring it up, he’ll show me something he can do. but he doesnt pursue it anymore really. my dad works an exhausting physical labor job but even he, as a 50something year old has fallen into that trap of like, i dont have time to draw, but he will scroll his phone and read articles for hours and i’m not shaming him. i’m just saying we all have this problem in the modern era of technology and social media and what not (hell i am writing a post on tumblr instead of my book right now).

but if timing was different and my dad grew up in a different time, where lets say something distracted him from doing the little bit of art and music that he did when i was a kid that i was able to witness, if i hadnt seen that. i wouldnt know that.. in a way.. that’s in me. i mean, he’s my dad. if my dad could pick up a craft and work at it to be good at it, why can’t i? there are so many musicians and (kind unrelated but not rly - i think being “self made” is an art) business owners in my family. there’s either some common thread in our genetics ORRRRRRRRRR just growing up around people working at and succeeding at those kinds of goals shows you that it CAN be done so you’re more likely to believe in your abilities

and i want that for my daughter. because even as an almost 3 year old i can see that she has a gift for music, and reading. and even if i’m wrong about that and she grows up wanting to do some other thing as a job or hobby, i want her to know, by seeing her mom do it, that she can achieve anything she puts her heart to. you don’t have to box yourself in because of your age or your sex or the fact that you’re a parent. 

and your dream doesnt have to become your career. it can be a hobby and still be fulfilling. like yes, 18 year old me dreamed about some life in nyc singing in clubs or bars or whatever and being ~famous (lol) and that did not happen, but i can still get out there and play open mic downtown and get that love of music, and desire to face my fear of performing out of my system. maybe i’ll love it. maybe i’ll hate it. but i’ll have done it. and that’s the ultimate goal. 

sorry i went off but i had to get that out of my system and i’m very passionate about