#dv mask

[frienderbender]

Dio V. Sepultura (Not his real name) (Real name unknown)

-> Infamous clairvoyant who, since Dethklok rose in popularity (and thus the increased death rates they caused), specializes in communicating to those who have died due to the band. Has crazy high rates. Unknown if he’s actually psychic or not, but people seem to still go to him.

-> Age: Unknown, seems to have much of his records hidden. No one can agree, but probably somewhere in his forties. Maybe.

-> Random info: From Long Island, speaks in a fairly thick accent. Collects exotic birds. Scratches the number off his pants size. Will lie about the weirdest things in one-on-one conversations. Searches his name on twitter to get into arguments with randos. Has a bunch of celebrity clientele and has garnered quite the reputation. His sessions have, in some cases, seemed fairly genuine, but in many others…it looks more like he’s just asking for money. Still, despite his many criticisms, those who have been touched by his sessions seem to swear by him.

-> And just for the jokes: because MMA technically falls into the category of his client base, as well as the Revengencers at large, Dio feels compelled to become something of a marketing manager for the group.

*Worth noting that Dio himself has not lost anyone to Dethklok, nor does he know the band or its affiliates personally.

[legal-poppy]

finally worked up the patience to watch the depp/heard trial live, and my goddddd this woman!! on behalf of all of the survivors i work with i want to calmly tell her how awful she is

[darkfaeluvr]

Masked Monsters

They come as a whisper, “ You are safe.”

All while their claws, fastened into razor-sharp teeth begin digging into your stomach

Collecting yet another cataclysmic coin to add to their vagus bags, tipping the scales of survival in their favor

Taking, stealing, yet another salvaged soul from the same depths they originated in

You lean into the whisper, 

Wanting, wishing, hoping, what your devoured gut knows to be a lie- is the the truth

Because in that moment, in those moments, it seems easier than feeling the flesh you thought you knew so well, being ripped out of you

In a split-decision you have to decide which sacrifice is worth the risk

Sacrifice you now

So that you later can still be surviving

Only you weren’t told that the sacrifice feels so much greater now

You weren’t told that when you got through this monster there’d be another and another and another

We weren’t told that when we finally get away from the monsters of the world, it doesn’t guarantee that someone you trust can turn into a monster too

They didn’t tell you that monsters don’t always look like monsters, that they’re shape-shifters and that finally when you get the chance to recognize them

Look them in their face

That they sometimes still can’t be seen

That the only way to see them is through the restoration of your gut

But in order to rehabilitate what is rightfully yours, you have to go back and remember

You have  to go back and remain present in the many ripping's out of your innards

That you have to go back and remember that decision, that sacrifice you made

And not blame yourself, as you have been secretly doing ever since you began wrapping your stomach with those bandages that bled red just a little too quickly

You have to remember that all monsters wear masks

But not everyone who wears a mask is a monster

You are not the monster

[relaxxattack]

what if quackity wears a mask around bad because he figures the egg is contagious

[carrot-tea-time]

me whenever we see the people who walk their micropig, maskless, at the park

[st4rbwrry]

STREETS ☆ draken ryuguji.

☆ warnings: drabble, fem!reader, lowercase intended, black coded, car sex, draken is possessive, mention of dv, smoking, draken has a savior complex, fighting, dirty talk, minors aren’t welcomed!

“i like the way you fuck me.”

you remember the way he looked at you after you said that, puffing a cloud of smoke past his lips with sullen eyes, eyeing the way you chew at your gold named necklace with desire in your eyes. you’re never the best when high. a very dangerous, immensely horny woman. he’s only fucked you once, two months ago after graduation on the hood of this very car at midnight. it was during a brief breakup from your ex that he hates more than anything in this world. that same asshole he rescued you from today after you called him crying about how he had put his hands on you.

draken loathed men who abused women. he was already halfway out his house once he heard you crying, speeding down the streets with anger, his fist gripping the leather steering wheel hard. when he pulled up, seeing your cute face stained with tears and a bruise on your eye with a bleeding cut on your lip . . . he lost it. finding the fucker and beating the daylights out of him, so badly he bled everywhere. at one point you had to pull him off of him, screaming for him to stop before he killed him. he wanted to. he was going to. he’d go to jail for you. but you didn’t want that.

draken grabbed your arm and took you with him, taking you to his place and tending to your wounds , and after his gentle touches and kisses to your temple, you crawled up into a ball and cried, wondering why you were so dumb in love with someone who treated you like shit. draken scolds you multiple times for calling yourself names. he grabs a beanie from his drawer and puts it over your head so your hair shields the bruise on your face, putting a face mask on to cover the scar. he decides to take your mind off it by driving around for the rest of the day. getting something to eat, watching a movie at the drive-in, and then parking his car on a high hill that overlooked the city of japan while the two of you smoked.

now here you were, the passenger seat slid all the way back as you grip at the headrest with your shorts pulled to your knees and the white tank top you cut really short now lifted above your perky tits that brush against chair. body jolting as you moan, the silver hoop earrings dangling by your cheek as draken fucked you from behind, his hot hand clammy around the back of your neck. you listen to him grunt and huff as he snaps his sharp hips against the flesh of your ass, smacking your skin and listening to his echo in the black hellcat.

“take that shit, baby,” draken breathes on your ear, jaw slacked as he moaned after you tightened your cunt around him, crying out ken the harder he drilled his dick into you, thick and filling you up so well, so much better than your ex. the leather squeaks with every movement you two make, draken cursing under his breath as you start fucking him back, his big body arched over you, his head touching the roof.

his black hair is fallen around his bandaged face, your ex getting maybe one or two hits out of it. his tongue sticks out, knuckles turning white as he squeezes your ass between his fingers, dragging you back on his cock as you whine and whimper, eyes crossing. he pulls his shirt up as he thrusts, bringing the fabric to his mouth to hold with his teeth, looking back at him with your mouth open. your right leg is pulled up to rest on the center console, slapping and screaming onto the chair as he switches his hips, hitting that sweet spot deep inside you, gasping and trembling.

his chest is near your back yet again, feeling his chain drag against your arched spine, slowing his pace to sloppily kiss up your back, tongue gliding on your flushed skin as he mumbles the word mine. you shakily cry out one his hand reaches between the two of you, massaging your puffy clit, soaking his fingers in the process. you hum, throwing your head back on his shoulder and stretching your arm between your thighs and grabbing as his balls you play with, smiling drunkenly as he breathily drags out moans of fuckin’ shit, baby.

“ken, m’gonna cum,” you pout, desperately grinding back on him, both of you still moving your hands on each other to chase that high.

“cum on it, then,” his mouths at your neck, pressing his forehead to yours and circling his hips until you do.

he hugs you close, forearm wrapped around your midsection as your thighs shake and you cum, reciting his name past your dewy lips, honey voice pulling him to his own high, fighting the urge to stay inside by pulling out and nutting on your back in thick ropes of white. he’s silent when he cums other than his heavy breathing, grabbing your chin and shoving his tongue in your mouth.

he has a few blankets in his trunk for you, cleaning you up with wipes before letting you fall asleep beside him, turning off the car and staying up the whole night, unable to sleep, too many thoughts lingering on his mind. he’s laying back in the drivers seat as he watches your body rise and fall peacefully, stroking the bruise on your face with his jaw clenched, chest heavy. when the sun rises, and the sky is pink and orange, draken finds himself driving towards your exes house.

you wake up after you feel that familiar turn down the road, sitting up and eyeing him as you rub your eyes, your body cramping from the position your laid in, also from previous activities.

“ken, wha—”

“pack your shit, ima be out here,” he bluntly demands, reaching over you inside the glove compartment, your eyes widening as he pulls out a gun. he gives you one last glare, raising his brows as a signal for you to hurry up. you bite your lip, nodding before stepping out of the car the same time he does.

draken leans against his car with his gun tucked into his pants behind his back, watching you walk towards the door and pull out your key, disappearing inside, making sure to leave the door open so he can see everything. he hears shouting from your ex who peaks out the door, his face different shades of purple and bloated up from draken’s recent attack. the man gulps as he sees him pull the gun from his back and hold it to his side, shooting him a dirty glare, wishing he’d try it. draken didn’t mind blowing his kneecap.

it only takes you fifteen minutes to grab whatever belonged to you and run out the house with a duffel bag and a pink suitcase, brushing right past your abusive piece of shit boyfriend draken never understood what you saw in him. you smile at draken, trying not to cry as he opens the door for you, taking your luggage as you sit inside. he bends to peak his head into the window, kissing you in front of him.

“you’re living with me. i’ll keep you safe. i’ll love you like you needa be loved.”

© 𝐡𝐞𝐥𝐥𝐚𝐯𝐢𝐥𝐞, 𝐚𝐥𝐥 𝐫𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭𝐬 𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐞𝐫𝐯𝐞𝐝. 𝐦𝐲 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐤 𝐬𝐡𝐚𝐥𝐥 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐛𝐞 𝐫𝐞𝐩𝐨𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐝 𝐨𝐫 𝐦𝐨𝐝𝐢𝐟𝐢𝐞𝐝 𝐬𝐢𝐦𝐩𝐥𝐲 𝐛𝐞𝐜𝐚𝐮𝐬𝐞 𝐢𝐭 𝐢𝐬 𝐦𝐢𝐧𝐞.

[zandracourt]

Some thoughts about Episode 2x12 of 911 Lone Star and subject of physical abuse. I’ll put behind the cut for those who don’t want to read:

I work in the field of abuse of adults and one of the hardest realities of my job is that I have to hold the word “abuse” lightly because the spectrum of what is experienced as abuse by the parties involved is wide, for many factors, including enculturation, personal history, physiological make-up, emotional maturity/intelligence, and mental health. There are legal definitions of what constitutes abuse/assault in every jurisdiction and there is the basic understanding of power/control and the role that plays in the relationship. Even the word “healthy” when it comes to relationships is difficult to define because what I regard as “healthy” is not something someone else considers valuable enough to work on or worth separating from their partner over. It is surprisingly personal and while I have laws that I enforce, the reality is that even when an incident meets the legal criteria, if the victim says it wasn’t abusive to them, there is not much we can do other than to keep offering the victim that there is another way to love and be loved.

That said, I’ve seen a lot of posts of fans very upset about TK’s shoving Carlos when he was angry. And I am not here to say that interpretation is wrong. However, I do understand why the writers and actors would have created that scene and not consider it all that problematic. Again, not justifying, simply offering some thoughts from someone who works in this field. These are my own and I know other investigators in my own unit who would think differently, so it is just one perspective. Also, I am not a sworn officer. I enforce civil law, not criminal.

1) I don’t believe TK’s reaction is out of character. When he is emotionally compromised, he self-harms. He does that with substances and we have seen him seek out fights (the bar which leads to the police station scene and with Judd, both S1) when he is upset. I read his pushing Carlos as self harm over abuse because his actions betray that he is trying to get Carlos to *hit him*. Which Carlos, being a police officer who is trained to remain calm (they are supposed to be anyway), responded by restraining TK. TK’s response is then not to calm down but to get more upset and tell him to leave because TK is *not getting the emotional release that he wants* which is physical pain. He wants to feel physical pain to mask his emotional pain but Carlos won’t participate in that. So this isn’t abuse in the typical way we understand it. It is manipulation on TK’s part and unhealthy as hell, but is actually in keeping with what TK does when he’s hurting emotionally.

2) This scene is highly-feminine coded. There are hundreds of examples in tv/movies where a woman is upset and she beats her fists against a man’s chest (who is almost never who she is actually upset with/about) and the man endures it for a bit and then restrains her until she calms down. We see it all the time and while also problematic, generally we don’t object to it because we view the woman as not being able to cause the man any real harm or pain. Women get away with a LOT of domestic abuse because of this bias. So given that trope, it is very possible that the writers and actors viewed this scene through that same bias. That TK isn’t really hurting Carlos because he is bigger and more muscular than TK. Again, not great, but something to consider when evaluating the choices made by the creators of the art in question.

3) The Fight or Flight response is so deeply ingrained, it is very difficult to stop. When I enter someone’s home as part of my work, I am there to investigate an allegation of abuse. Even with the word INVESTIGATOR on my chest, and with everyone knowing why I am there, there are some perpetrators who are so reactionary in their fight/flight response that they try to threaten and intimidate me (fight). They are displaying abuse behaviors to the one person you would logically think they would want to hide those behaviors from. And many do. But for some, they literally cannot stop the response. Makes my job a little bit easier because now I am a witness to their abusive reactions and can document it. In this instance with TK and Carlos, I’m not necessarily saying that response was triggered in TK, but again, he has a much higher propensity for Fight than Flight in general so I can’t say it’s *not* a factor either.

4) Many have expressed wanting to see the apology between them that was not shown. In some ways, I can understand why the showrunners chose not to. That should not be a quick conversation. And in the context of a show like this, where there is no other way to do it, I think would ultimately be worse. If TK apologizes and Carlos accepts without much conversation, there is no reason for anyone to expect the behavior to change on TK’s part. This actually models abusive cycles. Any conversation where Carlos confronts TK about his behavior would take real time because they’d have to get at the reasons why TK had that reaction in the first place, and given that Carlos has already addressed this (in their convo at the police station after TK is arrested for brawling) and it hasn’t changed. Therefore, the scene would need to either put Carlos in a role of continuing to bring this up while addressing why he is putting up with the behavior from TK, or Carlos needs to do some self-reflection about why he’s still in this relationship. So to do it in a way that is actually “healthy” doesn’t take them where the writers wanted them to be later in the episode. So, in many ways, their apology scene is best served by a well-written fanfic than it would be by a 2 minute on-screen scene that would either serve to perpetuate an unhealthy cycle or push them further apart. This way, there is an ambiguous element where everyone can pretend that some long-ass conversation occurred and the two of them came to a healthy resolution.

5) DV scenes between men are *way* bloodier than any other scenes I encounter. In my experience, when men are abusive of men, it’s very brutal. And again, what equals abuse is sometimes hard to define and even harder to address. So a little shoving, while not great, is also not even in the stratosphere of how bad it often can be. Is it right to view abuse with that kind of relativism? Hard to say. But when you exist in this world, it is hard not to and I have to go by the people in front of me and what they are expressing about how they feel about what happened. If you, the viewer, watched this and reported it as abuse, I could go investigate. But if TK and Carlos say to me, “Nah, we didn’t feel that at all.” Then it doesn’t matter what you, the witness, feel about it, or even me. I can offer my educated and experienced view, but that doesn’t mean the two parties will accept it. That’s why I have learned to hold it loosely because adults have the right to self-determination and the right to make poor choices. And believe me, that is very hard to do, especially when I encounter a victim who is clearly so beat-down that they can’t imagine anything better for themselves. But if I tell that victim, “You must...” then I am simply becoming the next person controlling their choices. Instead, I offer “You could...” or “Here’s some options...”

To me personally, I read TK’s shoving Carlos as evidence of unhealthy self-harm behavior more than TK abusing Carlos, because the action wasn’t rooted in power and control and ended fairly benignly. Would it be awesome for them to still address it? Absolutely. But I also understand why they chose not to.

[baekhvuns]

I'm so dedicated bestie, watch me make a petition. I need to get into a fan sign soon so I can hypnotise Hwa into writing CAT.

Btw have you seen Ateez's latest content the lab thingy? I only saw bits and pieces but uhm, nerd Hwa is back, our little friendly lab partner. 😭 the way all of them except Jongho got scared by the balloon popping and poor Hwa it hit him in his scientists glasses. 😔

Omg yes some "fans" are so entitled and mean for no reason only because they have money? Shut the fuck up. But then other people suck up to them, because they provide content blah blah blah, yeah but they're annoying bitches too, so maybe stop UWUING over their weird video calls. They should become our sugar mommies if they have so much coin, be useful for a change 👀

Nowadays you have to wear a mask and they're wearing masks too so I feel it might be easier? Cause you feel less exposed also can't see them that well BUT THE EYES. Oh Seonghwa... he became my bias after our first meeting so it clearly went WELL. That man won me over, got me lowkey crying. Yunho was hilarious and messed my bracelet, but all is forgiven. They were all funny and sweet, shy too. But that mf Park Seonghwa got me 😳 and that never happens, also hands... soft hands - I'm gonna leave it at that.

Ok but if you passed out AT the venue maybe one of the members would pick you up 👀 typical rom com moment

Seriously?! We could've met then cause I was travelling to different places. 😭 Jaipur was so pretty, yes the palaces are so wonderful I hope you can go soon! One of my friends told me Shudh Desi Romance was filmed there? And I've watched it, but I don't think it was the one? Though I remember very little :/

The food is truly 🙌🏻 also cause I was vegetarian for years and I've been vegan since 2017 so Indian food is a great option, you can easily ditch the meat and a lot of meals are already vegan 😊

Forgetting languages should be illegal, you learnt once you should be able to remember. This is me with Arabic, I used to know it a bit as a kid, but now I'm like.... ugh, habibi? Peak language skills.

Yeah I know it's fiction but I just can't read for most idols, especially if they're written as aggressive sex freaks, chill please. And some people are dead set Seonghwa is 100% hard daddy dom. My meow meow??? Please don't do that to him 😭💔

Question, do you use your law skills during the case? Do you put your lawyer goggles on? 👀 - DV 💖

HI!

I'm so dedicated bestie, watch me make a petition. I need to get into a fan sign soon so I can hypnotise Hwa into writing CAT.

FBWMBDMWHDWK PLS DO PLS DO 😭😭😭 IF U MEET HIM pls ask him a question if he’d either play a duke or ceo or boxer or bodyguard for fun🔫

Btw have you seen Ateez's latest content the lab thingy? I only saw bits and pieces but uhm, nerd Hwa is back, our little friendly lab partner. 😭 the way all of them except Jongho got scared by the balloon popping and poor Hwa it hit him in his scientists glasses. 😔

yes i have!!! like only on twt THO I SAW THAT CLIP POOR MINGI AND SAN 😭😭😭😭 jongho he 👁👄👁 BDMWBDWK NAURRR HWA’S HE WAS SO 🔫🔫 I WILL PROTECT HIM DBDBDBBD ANON LETS GO,, nerd hwa. ha. ha.

Omg yes some "fans" are so entitled and mean for no reason only because they have money? Shut the fuck up. But then other people suck up to them, because they provide content blah blah blah, yeah but they're annoying bitches too, so maybe stop UWUING over their weird video calls. They should become our sugar mommies if they have so much coin, be useful for a change 👀

yEAHHHHHHH i hate that esp with the san fansite, colour on colour? and now they are a ssg but ppl still like their photos + suck up to them bc they provide the goods ??? 😭😭 DHWJDJWKDJWK SUGAR MOMMIES PLS HELLO I WILL BE A SUGAR BABY VOLUNTARILY 🤚🏼 omg stop that uwuing shit im so glad some r actually talking back at fans to not do anything like that dbdbd

Nowadays you have to wear a mask and they're wearing masks too so I feel it might be easier? Cause you feel less exposed also can't see them that well BUT THE EYES. Oh Seonghwa... he became my bias after our first meeting so it clearly went WELL. That man won me over, got me lowkey crying. Yunho was hilarious and messed my bracelet, but all is forgiven. They were all funny and sweet, shy too. But that mf Park Seonghwa got me 😳 and that never happens, also hands... soft hands - I'm gonna leave it at that.

AHH YEAH!!! it’s little less nerve racking tbh FBWNDBJW THE EYES WILL ABSOLUTELY KILL ME if i look in the eyes of the seonghwa,, ur never hearing from me— if i go to a concert and that man looks in my direction, im gone. FBWNDJWK YUNHO MESSED UR BRACELET PLS 😭😭😭 LMFAOOOO i wonder if he rmrs and laughs randomly at it dbdbbd STOP IT STOP IT I LOOKED AWAY FBWNDBWN hands…what do u mean hands…soft- bestie- i stop it. my mind went very different ways im so sorry i-

Ok but if you passed out AT the venue maybe one of the members would pick you up 👀 typical rom com moment

THEIR BODYGUARD THATS FOR SURE FBDBBD 😭😭 no bc me passing out would be even more embarrassing and id never live after that 🔫 but my delulu would be eXCEEDING

Seriously?! We could've met then cause I was travelling to different places. 😭 Jaipur was so pretty, yes the palaces are so wonderful I hope you can go soon! One of my friends told me Shudh Desi Romance was filmed there? And I've watched it, but I don't think it was the one? Though I remember very little :/

SERIOUSLY!!! i was 9 hours north from you oMG what a small world,, who knew we’d meet on an app like this under asks dbdbdb AAAAAAA I WANT TO SEE THE PALACES TOO ive heard most of them are extremely haunted and im 😩😩😮‍💨 i hope so too!! i hope u can one day go to the south side! it has more british architecture and the scenery is mf AMAZING i do rec watching chennai express if u wanna see!!! OH THAT MOVIE the main guy in it unfortunately passed away and it was a huge thing till now BUT MAN UR SO LUCKY !!!! ur so cool too best friend omg

The food is truly 🙌🏻 also cause I was vegetarian for years and I've been vegan since 2017 so Indian food is a great option, you can easily ditch the meat and a lot of meals are already vegan 😊

man indian food truly is a vegetarian/vegan hEAVENNN dhdhdh im also a vegetarian bc it tastes much better that way 😭😭😭 the street food truly tho >>>>

Forgetting languages should be illegal, you learnt once you should be able to remember. This is me with Arabic, I used to know it a bit as a kid, but now I'm like.... ugh, habibi? Peak language skills.

NO LITERALLY IF SHOULD BE!! omf u know arabic????? omg bestie ur so cool,,, STOP IT FBWNDHWKHDWKHDWK NOT THE HABIBI DBWMBDWK I BE SCREAMING HABIBI RANDOMLY FOR NO REASON 😭😭😭😭 it’s either habibi or saying haram every 2 seconds 😭😭🔫

Yeah I know it's fiction but I just can't read for most idols, especially if they're written as aggressive sex freaks, chill please. And some people are dead set Seonghwa is 100% hard daddy dom. My meow meow??? Please don't do that to him 😭💔

YEAHHHHH i cannot ever do hard dom bc the hard doms go like fREAKS and they go so hard and aggressive im like bro??? don’t it hurt??? pls??? pls if u ever catch me writing hard dom, slap me in the face right away i could never— the most hwa for me is a soft dom the type who smiles against ur lips and makes u laugh during it >>>>>> wHO KNOWS WHAT HIS ACTUAL MIND IS BC 😳🤚🏼 MEOW MEOW FOREVER 😭😭😭

Question, do you use your law skills during the case? Do you put your lawyer goggles on? 👀 - DV 💖

omg i do !!!! i haven’t taken as many exceptional courses in the field yet but i accidentally took on in my first year and it was a 200 level course sO whenever the case comes up i scroll thru the notes and go “aha!” bUT OTHERWISE i just imagine how nervous they get there in the court 😭😭😭😭 do u perhaps??

[kulemiwrites]

𝐊𝐔𝐑𝐎

Part: i of ii

Genre: Angst, SMUT

Rating: 18+

Word count: 4583

Character(s): Nishikiyama Akira, fem!Reader

(TW: Implied DV)

Enjoy.

Your fingers were entangled in his silky black hair, tugging lightly when his nibbles along the juncture between your neck and shoulder were becoming too painful. Every panting breath that caressed your already damp skin, made you shiver and squirm beneath him. He slid himself out and slammed back in making sure you fully enveloped him each time.

Rinse.

Repeat.

He squeezed your breasts just as harshly as he thrust into you and it hurt and he wanted it to hurt.

Occasionally, he’d break away from the branding of your skin and the rugged pounding of your wet snatch to give you a meaningful kiss to remind you that he loved you; that brief interaction, that loving expression and those softened eyes were nothing but a mask that melted away the second he got back to work on your body.

When he was in this state of mind, you were a mere hole through which he was allowed to hammer in anger and frustration. You were being used but you accepted the truth that lay beneath those voracious thrusts.

That sweet boyish smile was replaced with gritted teeth and your name was replaced with furious swears.

You were there to absorb that pain, receive it and process it with a smile.

After all, this was your idea.

He sucked at your right breast, just above your nipple until he left a dark bruise at which he chuckled darkly, pressed into it with his thumb then traced the trail he left along your collarbone.

“Ahh, isn’t that pretty? Who needs diamonds?” he whispered. “I think your skin looks better adorned by me instead, don’t you?”

“Yes,” you managed through a gasp as he pulled out of you.

He rolled you over then guided you to your hands and knees. You took a deep breath, bracing yourself as he teased your slit with the swollen head of his cock. He listened to your purring as you pleaded for him to stop teasing you. He licked his lips when you turned to meet his intense gaze.

“Ask.”

“Can you put it back in?”

“Please...”

“Please, Akira.”

He snatched your arms back toward him, a deep grunt ripped from his chest as he slammed back inside of you and you cried out in pleasure. He adored that your body accepted his harsh treatment of it. He didn’t have to ask if you liked it, your body told him everything he needed to know.

Some people fight to blow off steam, some go for a run, drink or dance but your suggestion came after a nice fuck.

Thanks to you, he found that this was what worked for him.

Every cruel question of his worth, every heavy blow to the face, every forehead bruising dogeza, every upsetting conversation overheard, you could feel deep within as he molded you into the shape of him.

“Agh!” he growled, ramming into you with the last of the energy he could conjure before he released your arms.

Your face pressed into the bed as you attempted to catch your breath before he started up again.

“Don’t just lay there, ______.” he said, laying a hard smack across your ass. “Get back up and fuck me.”

With a breathy nod, you slammed your hips back to meet his.

“Ahh, fuck! That’s it.” he growled through gritted teeth, rewarding you with more crisp smacks to the ass until your cheeks were raw.

The spanking was much harsher than usual but you had an idea why that was. So you took every single lick graciously and you thanked him for it.

Eventually, when the spanking lost its momentum and his grunting finally turned into moaning, you could feel the sweet Akira reenter the dance. He released a heavy, shaky breath that signified the replacement of his rage with something that felt like shame; shame that the only time he felt like a man worthy of respect was when he was treating the woman he loved like a ragdoll.

This was the part where he would silently apologize for putting you through this and thanking you just the same.

He wrapped a gentle arm around your waist to guide you back and into his arms, fondling your breasts as he pressed affectionate kisses against the back of your shoulder while he drove deep strokes into your tightness.

“Hey, should I go down on you again?” he whispered against your neck, sliding his sweaty hand down to rub your clitoris. “Or can you come like this?”

“It’s okay.” you said softly, “I don’t know how much more I can take.”

“I’m giving you another one, ______. So, which is it? Should I eat you again or…” he trailed off, pressing gently against the swollen bud.

Your bottom lip quivered and you whispered, “That, that feels so good.”

“Better than my tongue?” he said, feigning offense. “Hmm, if you say so…”

Akira smiled, using his free hand to caress your face, guiding you into a tender kiss while he rubbed you. You were putty under his touch and he was getting closer by the second.

“Give me your hand.” he whispered against your lips.

You obliged and soon your fingertips were introduced to the warmth of his mouth, where he’d coat them with his saliva.

“Come with me.” he said, guiding your hand down to where his had been before.

He gave you time to get there; kissing the back of your neck and licking your ear, massaging your thighs as he slowly continued to slowly drive his cock in and out of you.

Before you could manage to gasp his name, he felt your walls clench around him as if trying to milk him for all he had.

“Mm, A-Akira…!”

“Ready?”

You nodded, leaning back into his embrace as you frantically rubbed yourself. With one hand around your throat and the other shadowing yours as you brought yourself to orgasm, he slammed into you while you shouted his name like a woman possessed.

“______.” Akira muttered, clenching his jaws tight as he followed suit, stroking himself to the blurry footage on the widescreen. “Aghh! Haah! Fuck...”

His cum shot out and onto his abdomen while he lightened his grip, teasing the head a tad more until he was certain he’d released himself completely. His mouth felt dry and the hair on his legs were slick with sweat. He fought to regulate his breathing as he watched the nearly 10-years-younger version of himself melt into bed, guiding you onto his chest, panting in sync with his current self.

“Oh, man. You’re the best, ______. Sorry I got so carried away this time.”

“It’s okay. I enjoyed every second.”

He watched himself reach for the cigarettes on the table and lit one, “Tell me… Will it really be three whole months?”

“Yes, but it’ll be over before you know it.”

“Pfft, easy for you to say. You’ll be living your life in the open air while I’m here, suffocated and bored out of my mind.”

“Think of it as a break from all my annoying habits!”

“Those annoying habits are what keep me coming back.”

You playfully smacked at his chest and whined, “Hey! You’re supposed to say: ‘babe, you don’t have any annoying habits.’ You are NOT supposed to agree.”

“Oh, that’s one right there! Yeah… I could use a break from that.”

“Geez, you’re such a jerk. Maybe I need a break from you, too.”

“Hey, don’t be like that. You know I’m kidding. It's going to be a tough time without you around. I don’t know if I’ll be able to make it that long.”

“Don’t be so hard on yourself. Akira, you’re so much stronger than you give yourself credit for.”

“Aw man, why do you always sound like a self help book?”

“I was trying to help but you know what? I give up.” you pouted. “You’re the worst.”

“Heyyy, come here.” He chuckled, holding his cigarette further away so that he could lean down to kiss you. “I know… Just… I love you, okay? So, please, don’t take too long.”

“I won’t. I promise. I lo--”

Clicking his tongue with annoyance, Akira smashed the rewind/eject button and turned off the television. He helped himself to a few sheets of tissue from the nightstand to clean himself, then rolled out of bed for a shower.

Although the tape was shut off, it continued to play in his mind. He may have only stumbled across it again recently but he’d watched so much back then that it was all etched into his memory now. Every movement, every line and every glitch was at the forefront of his brain like the characters that made up his name.

He thought heavily on the last line he’d heard on this replay and it begged the question: between the two of you, who was the biggest liar?

You’d done more than take too long. You abandoned him right before he would need you most. You left him in the dust! You broke your promise. Your relationship was supposed to be different, you weren’t supposed to lie to each other, ever.

He told himself all those years ago that he was done with you. Over the years, he wrestled with that decision but recent events would force him to accept many things.

One of them being: he couldn’t “quit” you.

That tape was made to satisfy him while you were away on ‘temporary business’ and when that ‘business’ was promoted to permanent, it found itself tucked away in a very special box that was sealed and lugged to every new place he’d stay.

When he first popped it in a few months ago, he was nearly consumed whole by guilt even though he’d only watched it for the fluff. He never watched it with the intention of getting his rocks off. That was just an added bonus. He watched to relive a time when he got the warm fuzzies, a time where he could look to his side or pick up a phone and be greeted by someone who loved him. Someone that he loved back.

The same couldn’t be said about your letters though. The letters would not have contained samples of your voice or images of your smile. He never wanted to look back and remember the feelings that led to them.

The tape, however, was a time capsule. It was made under much more, for lack of a better word, innocent circumstances. Sure, he had truckloads of conflicting emotions but watching you lovingly touch his arm and hearing you giggling out his name was enough to fog his mind and confuse him. By the time he snapped back to reality, he wound up watching his younger self fuck you in a way that he could never fuck someone again.

Sure, the sex got filthy but it wasn’t as surface level as that.

There was a genuine bond, a trusting love that allowed you both to lay it all out on the line for the other to receive with an open heart. There was promise in your kisses and meaning in the soft whispers. Generosity; a desire for both parties to please the other.

There was emotion.

Since you, he never found those things again, not unless he watched that tape.

So, yes; he rewatched the tape. He treasured it; even made a few copies on DVD just to be on the safe side.

What else was he to do? This was as close as he could get to you right now and he hated himself for it and he wanted to hate you, too.

But just as he realized he couldn’t quit you, he’d also accepted that no matter how much he tried he couldn’t hate you either and god, if he could it may have made his last memory of you easier on his heart. Instead, it only forced him to come to terms with the fact that the blame was mostly his to bear.

He wasn’t sure if he could even admit that to your grave, acknowledging it himself was enough.

-Nishikiyama Family Office-

Business in the Tojo Clan had been chaotic to say the least but he was getting closer and closer to the end game. Over the years, he claimed mountains of success that the street grunt he once was could only dream of but it wasn’t easy. He had rivers of blood on his hands; that of the people he’s killed and the friends whose backs he stabbed. He could no longer say whether he would have done things differently or not but you were the exception. There was no more denying it. Turning his back on you was his greatest regret.

A lot could be said about causation and correlation.

He wasn’t sure if leaving you would have prevented him from becoming the man he was today or not but he often found himself wishing he’d given himself the opportunity to find out.

He let out a deep sigh as he rummaged through his desk drawer until he found the folder he was looking for.

“There you are,” he whispered as he carefully removed it’s contents and placed them on the desk.

He picked up the 4x6 photo of you that had been of impressive quality considering the circumstances. Akira carefully ran his thumb across the resin coat, smiling slightly at the photo until that last memory came stomping back. He felt himself fall into a daze.

What was a dream that nearly every orphan on the planet could relate to having? Most people might suggest a fantasy that someday their family may come looking for them and they would be right. Akira remembered vividly having conversations with you, his sister, Kiryu and Yumi on many occasions about what you’d do if any of your parents came back for you, even those of you whose parents were said to be deceased.

“What if they only pretended to be dead?” Someone would suggest.

“If your parents ever came back, would you hate them?” Someone else would ask.

It was a common topic, even after you were adults and out having drinks. There were two unanimous decisions: 1.) deny them just like they’d done you (depending on the reason) in an attempt to take back the power their decision had over you or, 2.) forgive them and hop onto the opportunity to explore your true roots. The five of you always teetered back and forth between the two, never settling on any one answer for more than a year at a time. Besides, what did it matter? It would never happen. It was just a dream after all, everyone thought.

That was, until it happened to you.

He didn’t think he could ever forget the anger he felt coursing through him as you read the letter aloud:

‘...your father is ailing. He hasn’t much life left and he has always said that his dying wish would be to be reunited with you…’

He was certain that it was jealousy but he couldn’t figure out if it was envy that it happened to you instead of him or if it was fear that they could take you away from him.

Sure, you were in your mid-twenties but you’d been an orphan majority of your life. Certainly, you still had some curiosity about where you came from.

He remembered thinking: How dare those assholes come for you now when you don’t need them anymore? What, am I not good enough? Not family enough? But the stars in your eyes made him swallow his greed, bite his tongue and encourage you to hear them out.

Even now, he had no idea whether or not he made the right decision.

Not right for you, necessarily.

Himself.

Of course he’d known he had no right to deny you the chance to finally get answers about who you were but he couldn't help but wonder if he’d held you back, would he still have you in his arms today?

He could still taste the miso recipe you’d learned from your 98-year-old grandmother, one that filled him with a nice homely feel, even though he’d never had much of a home to compare it to. He vaguely remembered the faces and landmarks in the stacks of polaroids you’d brought back home with you. He was certain he still had a few of the ugly souvenirs tucked away in an old box somewhere.

At some point though, and he wasn’t sure exactly when it began but a consistent anger presented itself which led him to feeling downright possessive over you. All he could ever think about was the idea of those people, those strangers, ripping you out of his arms.

It wouldn’t be long before his worst nightmare was realized.

You framed your decision in the form of a question, in that charming way you did that often left him no choice but to acquiesce. Your father was now on his last leg and you wanted to tend to him during his final days.

Only the gods knew how much he wanted to shut that shit down and demand that you stayed home but he was certain you’d never forgive him. He didn’t own you and he had no right behaving as if he did. Besides, what sort of monster refuses to support their girlfriend’s decision to lend aid to their dying father? How does someone come back from something like that?

So, once again, he bit his tongue and encouraged you insincerely.

Your final day in Kamurocho was filled with tenderness and tears and kisses and promises to return home in one piece but alas:

The day never came.

A few months turned into several and several turned into a year and a year of surviving off nothing but the sound of your voice over the phone and of course, the tape, turned into a long overdue visit during which you’d butter him up with steamy reunion sex before you asked the impossible of him...

And he snapped.

“Akira, I really think this could do us some good! Can’t you just try to imagine it? He didn’t have much but at that location, it’s practically a small fortune! With this kind of land and money, just think of the businesses you could open! We could run them together and of course it’s no Kamurocho but I think that’s why it’s so--”

“For the love of-- shut the hell up! Don’t you hear yourself?! You want me to just uproot my life for some country living with people we don’t even know?! Need I remind you, they’re strangers?! To think that I’d leave Kamurocho for some bits of land... Even when I’ve got so much going for me right now.”

“But--”

“That’s it…This is your way of telling me that you don’t believe I’ve got what it takes to make it in this town, isn’t it? That’s it, right?”

“...”

“ANSWER ME!”

“Akira, wha-no! Of course it isn’t! I would never-- Please, just let go of my arm!”

“You think you’re doing me a favor, handing me your dead daddy’s scraps, don’t you? DON’T YOU?!”

“What are you even saying? You’re hurting me! Stop it! Let go! Akira, what has gotten into you?”

“An entire year of patience and this is what I get in return? Fuck that… I mean, hey, if you want to live the bumpkin life, go. But you can leave me the hell out of it…. _______, I’m not waiting on you to figure out your shit anymore. I’m done!” he said, roughly releasing your arm to begin collecting his things while you cried for him to calm down.

“Akira, please! You can’t leave like this! We can figure this out, we always figure things out together. If it makes you so upset, how about we just forget all

about it? I can sell the land. I don’t have to go!”

Popping a cigarette into his mouth, he shrugged. “Honestly, I don’t care anymore ______. I never want to see you again.”

It took longer than he’d like to admit for regret to finally set in but when it did, he hopped into his car and searched high and low in a futile attempt to find you; he was so blinded by jealousy and rage that he’d mentally blocked anything that could have helped him. The landmarks slipped him and he’d trashed the stacks of unread letters long before. He’d practically sabotaged himself without realizing it. He was left with no choice but to give up… until now.

As current events would have it, he’d realized the true extent of his power and influence as a patriarch of a Tojo Clan subsidiary. With few cash injections here and there, he had access to a wealth of information that he knew existed but was never able to dip his fingers into. Money really could buy anything. With a few foot soldiers and info brokers under his heels, he didn’t need to lift a finger to find you.

“ ______.” he whispered, sifting through the stack of photos.

The first one was his favorite. In it, he could clearly see your face and gorgeous smile while you chatted up a street vendor. The other surveillance shots were less lucky; blurry, out of focus or unflattering. None of them did you justice like the first photo. You were just as beautiful as the day he last saw you. Each time he looked at the photo he was reminded of the love he felt for you.

It first came as a shock, he’d denied it for so long.

How could it be that after all this time, he was still deeply in love with you?

What was the likelihood of you feeling the same?

It’d been a week since the letter he wrote you was delivered. He had a pair of his men deliver it to you by hand so that there were no doubts on whether or not you’d received it. Now though, the ball was in your court and all he could do was play the waiting game.

He’d told himself that if you didn’t write back, he’d leave it alone and accept that you wanted nothing to do with him. It would be a tough pill to swallow but it would serve him right. After all, he left you. You had every right to toss his letter straight into the bin without so much as a peek, just as he’d done yours in the past.

If it would disturb your peace, he had to understand, right?

Besides, nearing a decade? You’d likely moved on and fallen in love with someone else, married with a house full of brats that look just like you.

It wasn’t until he first search began that he realized that may have been a possibility; his men brought back photos of a woman you’d shared a laundry list of commonalities with: your given name, your facial structure and hair color, out in the country but married to a man whose name was vaguely similar to an old ex of yours, whom he loathed.

He nearly vomited when word reached him.

He demanded to know everything there was to know about the woman and he wanted it all on paper for him to determine for himself if it was true.

Oh, he was absolutely furious but it wasn’t all due to jealousy. He was true to himself and that included admitting that you had awful taste in men, himself included.

The relief he felt that day, saké-supplemented hours of research that led him to determine that the woman was not you. Part of him wanted to beat the living hell out of the men who’d told him it was. That lady couldn’t have held a candle to you if she tried.

He smiled at that thought, rubbing his thumb across the photo again.

“Excuse me.” a knock on the door startled him, “Sorry to interrupt, Boss.”

His smile immediately disappeared and he reached for the whiskey decanter he kept on his desk, “What?”

“It’s about the woman, sir.”

“I’m listening,” he said, carefully pouring himself a shot as the man neared his desk.

“You’ve received correspondence.” he said, presenting the envelope to him with a bow.

Akira couldn’t have reached for the envelope faster, “Out.”

Without hesitation, the man left him alone in his office to read in peace. He carefully slid a letter opener through it, usually he wouldn’t bother but this was one letter he would treat delicately to make up for failing to do so before. Carefully, he slid out the letter and the moment he recognized your handwriting, your charm, he felt butterflies. He didn’t even know he was still capable of such a feeling.

“Nishikiyama-san, huh?” he mumbled, lightly tracing the ink, careful not to smudge it.

He wasn’t even sure what he expected. It’d taken years for you to call him by his given name, it was only natural that time would revert that progress.

If he understood that, why was he feeling as if a knife was being twisted into his gut?

He tossed back his shot in a single gulp, it burned his throat and lingered in his chest.

Good.

He poured himself another shot for once he’d finished the letter, be it for celebration or failure. Either way, liquid courage would be the only way to get through this.

Wow… To think that I’d be writing to you after all these years, I almost can’t believe it. I told myself that I’d never try again but you found me instead. In truth, I’m not sure if I should be ecstatic or terrified. Did those men tell you that I tried running for my life when they said who they worked for?

You hear stories about this sort of thing, you know?

Of course they caught up to me and told me that you only wanted me to have that letter and a gift. Something inside my heart told me to just accept them. That after all this time, you wouldn’t go to so much trouble looking me up just to hurt me.

In your letter, you explained so much and very little at the same time.

You said that you were a changed man and from the cynical tone of your letter, I gather it’s not in a good way.

And I know… I make it a habit to read the news.

Even so, something about the raw emotion I felt when reading your letter… reminded me so much of the man you claim not to be anymore and I’d like to see it for myself.

Nishikiyama-san, I trust that you will take good care of me when we meet.

I’ll follow your instructions to the letter. See you soon.

He obsessively reread the letter until the sentences no longer made sense and he felt giddy the entire time. He wasn’t sure what he’d expected but it wasn’t this. He’d left you instructions on what to do to make the meeting happen but he hadn’t thought any further than that… And now that he had to think further than that, he was drawing blanks!

In truth, he wasn’t even sure if he could face you but the fact that you could put your trust in him filled him with a determination that he hadn’t felt in a long time.

He would make sure you didn’t regret it.

This is one part of a two part companion piece: KURO, SHIRO

KURO- (i) -- (ii)

SHIRO- (i) -- (ii)

Please do not reupload/repost/rewrite but reblogs are ALWAYS appreciated. Thank you for reading!

[separatist-apologist]

The absolute choke hold your writing has on me is unbelievable. I do not understand how you seem to write everything that I could ever dream of. ALSO can I just say how much I adore your Vanserra brothers content. I think I would easily read an entire fic of them just been absolute shits to each other. PEAK WRITING. I am VERY ENTHUSIASTIC.

We're a hive mind over here. We want the same things and no one has realized I'm just recycling my same plot over and over (happy ending Elucien).

Am I a Vanserra bro apologist? Yes. I dislike the idea that because their father is an abuser, they must be too. They're his victims and if they're cruel to survive, why can't they be wearing masks, too? Idk if that's how the narrative will play out but I think about this a lot. I work in DV and a lot of people talk about their fears they'll "become" their parents and I've decided I won't perpetuate the sterotype in my fics.

Anyway I'll die on this bill + obviously elucien as sassy sexy mates.

[etherealluceras]

Remaking my Ocs

I decided to remake my ocs a bit more realistic? Idk if I should officially change them or just stay them like this. Anyway, Imma just show you.

Andrea I got into this kind of style right now so I decided to just make my main oc like this. Not gonna lie she looks cool.

______________________________________________________________

HaruMaking Haru look a bit natural. Also, he looks like one of those alpha stereotype boys. I kept the sticker on his head because Rosaline keeps putting that on his head.

______________________________________________________________

Rosaline

I made Rosaline look like Haru because she is Haru's twin sister and I like how I made the outfit.

______________________________________________________________

Sugar

I don't know if I should keep this or not. The outfit kinda fits her? I guess.

______________________________________________________________

Unknown

My RH (Royale High) OC. I tried to make her a bit identical to my actual RH OC. The shoes are supposed to be the dd heels. The skirt is supposed to be the DV Skirt and the corset is also DV Corset. The scarf is supposed to be the shy scarf and I don't know how to make the scarf all the way to her face so I just put on a mask. And some stuff is just random stuff I put. Royale High players know all of these.

______________________________________________________________

ElijahHe's a blondie now. I decided to make his hair blonde because I think his old version has too much green and he looks like Deku.

______________________________________________________________

Proserpine

To be honest though, Proserpine's remake is my least favorite. I might as well just not keep this. Although, I might do some changes.

______________________________________________________________

Sylvester

Since Sugar and Sylvester are also twins like Haru and Rosaline. I made them also identical.

______________________________________________________________

Luna

Also making her blonde. Now she looks like Luna Lovegood from Harry Potter. I don't know if I should officially keep this or not

______________________________________________________________

EmmaI see no changes n this one lol. This one just looks a bit brighter than the og one.

______________________________________________________________

Anyway, that's all :>I might officially remake some of them. Some I won'tAlso, as you can see on Andrea, Haru, Rosaline, and Proserpine's remakes...There is no like angel and demon stuff because I decided to just make my all of my ocs human. I kinda like them to be humans more than them having any type of species.

[trivialbob]

This morning I renewed my driver license. I do not like going to the DVS (Division of Vehicle Services). My expectations for courteous, prompt service are low. If the clerk had kicked me in the nuts because an O in my signature resembled an A, my only thought would be, “Whew! At least she didn’t cut me and leave scars on my pretty face.”

It actually went really well today. A strongly worded email earlier this week confirmed my appointment and set a bitter tone, I thought. It had the usual warnings about not spreading viruses and promised if I showed up early or late I would not be admitted. An employee unlocked the front door to admit me. I checked my watch, waited 30 seconds, then entered. He was not amused. Hey man, I’m just following rules you set.

My paperwork was ready. I even had the check filled out. My state lagged behind all others in getting us IDs that are valid for boarding airplanes and entering federal buildings. This year we have to provide extra documentation. I brought more than enough proof of ID/SSN/residency.

My Social Security card is 44 years old, and I could still find it. Over four decades my signature has not changed much. One O did look a little like an A. Lucky for me the clerk didn’t seem to pick up on that.

The clerk was actually super nice and very efficient. I thought the quantity of disinfectants she used on the counter was excessive, but it didn’t hurt anything any only made my appointment begin two minutes late.

I passed the eye exam without my glasses. That’s always my goal (besides not getting scars on my pretty face). For the picture the clerk asked me (nicely!) to remove my mask, which I did. Had she not said something I would have left it on because you can’t be too careful.

Before pressing the camera button she said it would be OK if I smiled for the picture. I remember a passport agent sternly warning me not to smile for a passport photo a few years ago. There should be emojis on the wall to indicate how much or how little smiling is allowed.

Every time I’ve been to any DVS office there’s always seems to be that one employee who walks around behind all the counters and clerks, not unlike a casino pit boss watching the card dealers. What this DVS employee does, I don’t know. Maybe he’s there for emergency staples resupply. Or she keeps printers full of paper though they only run out once a day. All I know is seeing one employee seemingly doing nothing while I wait drives me nuts.

[groovesnjams]

“Cong the Singer” by Cong Josie

MG:

It’s a tough moment in time for perverts, which, as we all know, includes the whole of Australia. It’s tough to even commit to using the word “pervert” in this post because it’s taken on a certain society-flaunting, misogynist tone that no longer bends shallow or silly enough to include aesthetics. The synonyms are likewise too heavy and serious, but Cong Josie in his ill-fitting yet somehow still slightly scandalous pink suit and thin, polyester undershirt is every bit a pervert and “Cong the Singer” relishes in smirking at his every aberration. Most of the song is dressing and decoration, repetitious raised eyebrows and unnerving spotlights, before settling in with an unhinged guitar solo and the image of driving down Melbourne’s Eastern Freeway (at night, obviously.) It’s both dangerous and hilarious at every swerve, every flat lining synth swirling the drain. For years now I’ve had to listen to the host of Casefile read Madison Reed and Best Fiends ads to even approach the decadence Cong Josie wields as he takes the Springvale Road exit and I’m happy to finally come home again.

DV:

I guess a mask would make the Orville Peck comparison a bit too on the nose, though on the other hand Cong is out here in his rhinestone cowboy outfit singing about the “dead of night” so maybe on the nose is just a given. But replacing Peck’s drama-laded croon and rich production with chintzy 80s synths and a thin high wail unsurprisingly works for me just as well as MG: the aesthetic might be familiar, but it’s fully formed and compelling nonetheless. “Cong the Singer” makes a kind of mythology from empty highways and lonely nights and delusion: “And they cheered/ And they clapped/ And they applauded/ And they chanted,” Cong Josie narrates in the outro. It’s utterly unconvincing, though I believe he believes in it. This tension, between the world Cong Josie depicts and the one he actually inhabits, is magnificent.

[amareaeternumx]

|Low Tide|

t h e w a t e r d i a r i e s

[TW:Abuse/DV/C-PTSD/PanicAttacks]

Some days are harder than others

The intrusive thoughts and flashbacks

Triggers

So many triggers

Unseen stressors

A foreboding you can't explain

I know I'm not alone but some days I feel so...

Alone

Haunted and disconnected

Then a moment I thrive

Feel alive

Alive enough

Barely

What do you do when the war is over but still follows you home

The reality of everything you faced

Bombarding your psyche

Your mind conditioned to expect the unexpected

To anticipate hurt

Drama

Danger

Fear

And finding a way to live now

Seems impossible

But possible

You'd feel like a failure if you didn't try

But you feel like a failure because you do try

So hard

Everyday

"This should have worked by now."

It is working.

"Maybe it is in my head."

Your mind did what it was supposed to.

"Maybe it is my fault."

No.

You're here and it gets better.

Frustration

Condemnation

Alienation

Doubt

It feels like a calm torment

An endless sea of shame, regret and pain

But the water feels so nice

Deep

Cold

Hidden

And it masks just enough

So no one can see

You struggling to be free

But it's just enough for you to breathe

Right?

-M

[virmireisms-a]

ME3 Headcanon: Mars Injuries

Since I follow both double Virmire survivor and single Virmire survivor canons depending on thread, there are two parts to this. The first covers if Kaidan is the one more severely injured on Mars if they both survive, while the second covers Ashley or both surviving where she is more severely injured.

DVS: KAIDAN

Assuming Kaidan is the one who took the brunt of Eva's assault, Ashley is still injured in the ensuing chaos. Early on, Ashley is the first one to encounter Eva, and is knocked back incredibly hard by the synthetic in her initial escape. In the ensuing chase, Ashley manages to catch up and keep pace, though she's running almost entirely on adrenaline. When James crashes the shuttle, Ashley is the closest to Liara, and is initially grabbed by Eva, but upon Kaidan's intervention, she's tossed against the shuttle like a football and left dazed. The impact fractured three ribs on her left side and two on her right, bruised her spine, and some minor pelvic fractures. Luckily, she was only out for a few missions, as her hardsuit was able to absorb most of the impact.

SVS/DVS: ASHLEY

In the event Ashley is the more severely injured party (either because Kaidan died on Virmire, or if discussed otherwise for plots where Kaidan survives) Ashley's injuries were much more severe. Upon being grabbed by Eva, Ashley's upper body was slammed hard into the shuttle, causing variable skull fractures along the back of her head from the impact (even though the hardsuit helmet absorbed more than a few of the blows and took the brunt of the impact). The impact cracked the oxygen line on the back of her helmet, causing a slow leak that eventually led to her passing out.

There was also fracturing down her neck and upper body, including her clavicle, upper spine, and much of the shoulder joint. These fractures were quickly repaired (and were less severe, again because most of the impact was limited to her hardsuit). These fractures (and contusions) led to a slow bleed in her chest cavity, which eventually led to her condition quickly turning critical just as they arrived at the Citadel and rushed her to Huerta.

Though her spinal cord was not damaged, the contusions were enough to cause more severe effects during her recovery, such as tingling and numbness in her joints. Early on, it was suspected that she might have been paralyzed, which would have taken more surgical attempts to repair; however, she was lucky that there was no lasting damage to her mobility in the process.

However, Ashley does have one lasting effect: because of the head trauma associated with the impacts (as her head was the main point of impact), Ashley suffers from more frequent headaches, though she does her best to mask them. (In a DVS AU, Ashley will frequently go to Kaidan for advice managing them as she's aware of his migraines.)

[lild3m0nnn-bpd]

Common Co-Occurring Disorders for BPD

🛑Trigger Warning: Substance Abuse, ED, SA, DV🛑

Something I haven't really seen talked about as much is disorders that commonly occur with BPD. So I wanted to do some more research on it. Here we go...

BPD and Major Depressive Disorder (MDD)

People with BPD experience frequent mood swings, shifting between an upbeat mood to an angry, irritable mood. Mild depression is a symptom of BPD, but some people meet the criteria for major depressive disorder as well.

Feeling sad or empty most of the time.

Apathy

Low energy

difficulty concentrating or making decisions

Thoughts of suicide

Sleep and appetite disturbances

Agitation or restlessness

Feelings of hopelessness, guilt and worthlessness.

People with BPD already struggle with irritability and agitation, or feeling "bad". MDD exacerbates these issues. Suicide ideation is a frequent problem in people with both BPD and MDD.

BPD and Substance Abuse

Substance abuse is very common with BPD. About half of people with BPD have some kind of substance use disorder. Alcohol abuse is the most common. Of all the personality disorders, BPD is the second most likely to have patients with substance abuse. Gender plays a role, with men outnumbering the women typically. Chronic drug use may reduce serotonin and lead to disinhibition, self destructive and impulsive behaviors. Some individuals will turn to more psychoactive substances such as opiates, cocaine, or alcohol to self medicate.

Opiates, in natural or synthetic form, reduce pain. People with BPD abuse opiates to reduce the experience of rage or aggression. Cocaine elevates mood, increases confidence, decreases fatigue, and increases energy and productivity. People with BPD abuse cocaine to rid feelings of emptiness, boredom, depressive states and restlesness. Alcohol is a depressant, and people with BPD use it to relax and sedate rigid emotional distress, leaving users to be in disaffected states.

Researchers believe that a couple different factors contribute to this:

Family history of substance abuse or addiction in the childhoods of many people with BPD.

Tendency of people with BPD to be impulsive and engage in reckless behavior.

A desire to self medicate and numb the frequent pain of BPD.

Alcohol and drugs can be dangerous for people with BPD. They can cause any of the following:

Intensify feelings of rage and other negative emotions.

Increase the risk of self harm and suicidal thoughts and behaviors.

Increase impulsivity.

Worsen judgement that is already impaired in stressful situations.

Cause further damage to relationships that are already unstable.

Intensify mood swings.

Trigger or increase paranoid ideation and transient psychotic symptoms.

If this is something you're struggling with, please seek professional help.

I myself struggle with substance abuse. My most commonly used is alcohol, because it's usually the easiest to access. I do smoke weed, but its very on and off and never something I struggle with quitting. I have tried cocaine, adderall, and ecstacy. But I never did any of them regularly. I also tried microdosing shrooms to see if that was something that might help with my mood but I took too much once and had a bad trip, so I stopped doing that. Alcohol is something thats hard for me and nobody really knows I struggle with it. I mask it, which I've described before. I think it's something that I'm finally really ready to admit I have a problem with, and maybe even get profession help for it. But it's very scary. If anyone has been though the process please message me about it.

BPD and PTSD

These commonly occur together. People with BPD often experience childhood SA or physical abuse. PTSD is triggered by traumatic experiences and can develop at any stage of life. Often maladaptive coping skills of BPD develop as a way of coping an unpredictable environment. People with both often experience trauma much earlier in life than others.

I feel like this one is kind of a "duh" moment. Trauma can be a huge factor in cause BPD to develop so it makes senes that you would also have PTSD. I myself struggle with PTSD. For numerous reasons. I do have an official diagnosis for this one.

BPD and Eating Disorders

These can first appear in adolescence and young adulthood. It's estimated that a little over 50% of people with BPD have a history of an eating disorder. (There are further details here that I felt were too triggering to really get into). This represents that a large number of people with both BPD and an eating disorder, have impaired long term functioning. Both are associated with histories of childhood trauma. Typically, BPD develops before eating disorders. Exposure to teasing or criticism regarding physique may be negatively experienced in childhood which can lead to disordered eating behavior.

Impulsive/Risk Taking

Engaging in problematic eating behaviour is used as an attempt to find relief from emotional surges, irritability, inappropriate anger, and chronic feelings of emptiness.

Self Harm or Suicidal Behavior

Eating disorders are linked to depression, hopelessness, and despair.

Emotional Liability

Risky behaviors may be an attempt to find relief from mood instability but engaging in ED behavior can also induce emotional distress of intense shame, hospitalization, and family disruptions, as well as malnourishment which can exacerbate the stress even more.

Dissociative States

Nutritional deprivation will cause significant damage to emotional, psychological and physical health. Minimal food intake increases depression, anxiety and other mental and emotional effects.

Impairments in Intimacy

The belief that being thinner will make one more attractive and desirable, thus more likely to keep a relationship will lead individuals struggling with and ED to hold tight to is as a coping strategy to ease the fear or abandonment.

I myself, don't struggle with an ED. If anyone has any input, please feel free to add to the conversation.

BPD and ADHD

Studies find that over 30% of people BPD also have ADHD. People with ADHD often struggle with impulsivity. It can be hard to treat people with both, because certain ADHD meds can make BPD symptoms worse. Typical ADHD meds are stimulants, and this can intensify impulsive and aggressive behaviors. If symptoms are mild enough, ADHD can be treated with behavioral therapy. If medication is necessary, some clinicians add a low down of an antipsychotic medication to help offset the effect of the stimulant.

Early next year, I'm being tested for ADHD and autism, as well as other sensory disorders. I get a lot of hate from people saying that the symptoms overlap. I have symptoms that are specific to BPD, and symptoms that are specific to autism. And obviously symptoms that overlap. So please don't give me that lecture. I don't even know if I have it, so I'll cross that bridge when it comes.

BPD and Other Personality Disorders

Many people with BPD meet the criteria for a second personality disorder.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Schizotypal Personality Disorder

Antisocial Personality Disorder

Histrionic Personality Disorder

These are all part of the "Cluster B" personality disorder. Overlapping traits include manipulative behaviors and impulsivity.

There was a lot more detail on this that I wanted to go into but I decided to do a separate, more extensive post on Cluster B personality disorder at a later time.

BPD and Bipolar

Around 10% of people with BPD are also bipolar I and 10% have bipolar II. Both have unique and overlapping systems. Both disorders involve mood swings and erratic behaviors, although the mood patters are very different. Having both disorders is particularly challenging since most people assume one is a misdiagnosis for the other.

If you want to help your psychiatrist or therapist navigate this, I think its best to take a few weeks, maybe even months since bipolar mood swings can last a very long time, and journal your moods every day. I myself was a case of misdiagnosis from bipolar to BPD. Journaling my moods was something that helped my support team figure out where they went wrong in diagnosing me, and in turn it helped everything move a lot faster in the right direction.