#eddie diaz has never done anything wrong ever

[eddiedefender]

“eddie is a bad father"

Since 7x09 aired, I've been seeing a lot of people saying that Eddie is a bad father, and it's just so ????????????? Have you even watched the show???????

I'm not denying the mistakes Eddie has made regarding Chris, especially during the first years of his life, but making mistakes does not automatically make him a bad parent. The important thing is that after making those mistakes, he has done everything in his power to correct them. He has always tried to shield him of whatever disasters or tragedies life has thrown at Chris.

So for those people, now I'm going to do a rundown of Eddie's and Chris' relationship, but I'm also going to be focusing on Eddie as a person and not only as a father. i tried to keep it in a chronological order. (I'm so sorry for any inconsistencies :( )

El Paso, TX.

Shannon and Eddie begin

Eddie and Shannon were never a healthy relationship. They are high school sweethearts who had to get married due to her getting pregnant accidentally at 19. High school relationships, especially the first ones, are almost never meant to last. Eddie forced himself to get married to her bc he felt it was the “right” thing, due to his catholic upbringing and subsequent catholic guilt. He automatically assumed his role, not bc he wanted, but because he felt like he Had to. This caused his marriage to be extremely dysfunctional.

Catholic guilt and his identity Eddie's catholic guilt is likely closely related to his identity as the son of Mexican immigrants. Catholicism in Latin America was introduced in a very traumatic and forced way by Spanish colonizers. Thousands of Native Americans were killed for refusing to converse to Catholicism, therefore causing Catholicism to become really intense in Latin America, a way in which it remains until now. Entire Latino countries values and laws circle back to catholic traditions, there is virtually no way to escape religion. This is then mixed with the innate sexism that is common in those countries, leaving a pretty extreme view of gender roles. When a kid is raised in these environments or, in eddies case, by people raised in these countries, their life will always be dictated by Catholicism rules, especially when the family is especially (extra) religious, as is implied in Eddie's case. Coming back to how people's life is dictated by Catholicism… this is especially true regarding matters of sexuality and gender. As we all know, Latino Catholicism has strict views regarding gender roles. A man should be the “provider” and “strong” and the woman should “take care of the family” and be “gentle”. That is basically what Eddie is. He always paints himself as the strong one, bottling up his emotions; and also thinks of himself as only the provider for the family. This heavily affected his relationship with Shannon. When he got her pregnant, he automatically assumed that role by marrying her.

Newfound “family”

His marriage and new “family” life caused to be so overwhelming that the only out he saw, was enlisting and going to war, leaving his newborn son and wife alone. All of this was done under the pretence of being the “provider” for his family, because he thought that was what they required from him. He didn't comprehend that his wife and kid also needed him emotionally. Sadly, that was never going to happen due to the very circumstances in which the family was created. He never loved Shannon enough to make things work between them; but he still tried, for the sake of Chris' and to give him a chance to have a proper family.

Shannon leaving

after coming back from war, Eddie and Shannon tried to live the “family life” but that came to be impossible and overwhelming for both of them. This time it was Shannon that left. When she left, Eddie ended up alone with his son, fresh out of the army and with a family that wanted to take away his kid. He instantly knew that Christopher could not go through the trauma of losing another parent. That's why he decided to fight his toxic family for Chris' custody and took him away to L.A., so that they could live and navigate their new family dynamic far away.

Los Angeles, California

Eddie begins again

When Eddie moved out to L.A. he was still discovering how to raise a kid with a disability and also fighting his parents for Chris' custody. He did everything he could to ensure his kid was well taken care of, shielding him from his own struggles. When he got the job at the 118, he still did his best to keep him in a sort of normal environment. Due to Chris' disability, this came to be more of a challenge, but Eddie never stopped trying to get him the extra help he needed by every means.

When he joined the 118 he met buck who then introduced them to Carla, the social worker. Then, Carla and Eddie started to work together, so that they could improve Chris' quality of life, always looking out for his happiness.

L.A. life

Besides Carla, Eddie also found his support system on the 118. These people always helped him in everything he required and became his friends; especially Buck, as his best friend. Eddie found in Buck a person very similar to him, one that had Chris' best interests at heart and someone that would fight tooth and nail for him. Seeing the positive impact buck made, he decided to make him a constant presence in Chris's life. This made nothing but improve both Chris' and Eddie's family life.

Nevertheless, life in L.A. was not so happy for Eddie. Although he had found a support system and strong friendships, he was still processing Shannon's absence. He always blamed her for leaving him and her son. However, he never made these concerns known to his son, as he didn't want Chris' to grow to hate his mother. The only people who knew about this were the 118, although he was always reluctant to be open about any feelings he experienced.

Shannon

All this came to a halt when Shannon came back to their already settled lives. At the beginning, Eddie tried to navigate his issues with Shannon, without letting Chris know that she had come back. He was afraid that Shannon would leave and therefore scar Chris again. He wanted to shield him from that pain.

After a while, Eddie decided that it was OK for Shannon to come back to Chris' life and for them to try to be a family again. During this time, Eddie and Shannon were still figuring out what they were and how they wanted their future to look like, while also living the family life for Chris' sake.

After navigating their family life and personal conflicts for a while, Shannon asked Eddie for a divorce. She died days after. This was a very big hit for both Eddie and Chris. They both navigated their grief together. It was not a perfect journey, but Eddie never stopped having Chris' best interests at heart.

(natural) Disasters

Soon after Shannon died, another tragedy hit Chris' life: the tsunami. Both tragedies resulted in Chris having recurring nightmares, sometimes blending the lines between his mother's death and the tsunami. Eddie was constantly worried about the state of his son, even though the latter was not opening up to him. He took him to the psychologist to see what he could do to make him feel better and process his emotions.

Mothers or girlfriends?

After Shannon's death, Eddie, maybe involuntarily, leaned back into the “provider” role, and he looked for someone to fill the “mother” role for Chris. His next relationships were solely based on how much Christopher liked his girlfriends. He was focused, perhaps too much, on what he thought was best for Chris. He never noticed that Chris' didn't need another maternal figure, he already had everything he needed in Buck, Carla, and the rest of the 118.

The only relationship he had, prior to L.A. was the one with Shannon. The outcome of that relationship left him severely traumatized and unable to form emotional bonds with women. And anxiety when thinking of a future or marriage with them. He only valued his girlfriends regarding on how much Chris' liked them, removing himself completely from his own relationship.

Grief

since Shannon died, Eddie has never got the chance, or given himself the chance, to grieve her properly. He has constantly bottled up his emotions, until he couldn't anymore, resulting in extreme reactions. Or, on the other hand, completely gaslighting himself into believing something that wasn't true.

First, soon after she died, while dealing with the aftermath of the tsunami and its impact on Chris' he stated to develop feelings of anger towards her. To try and “process” his rage, he turned to illegal fight clubs, only stopping when he almost killed a man. Eddie then confessed to bobby he did that so that he could keep his anger under control as to not let Chris down, seeing he was the only parent Chris had left.

Second, during the subsequent seasons, Eddie started to completely morph the mental image he had of Shannon and their relationship. Shannon suddenly became the epitome of motherhood and the perfect wife. He completely stripped her out of her humanity, putting her on a pedestal or an example he should seek to obtain. All of a sudden, they never had any marriage problems, and he even forgot that she asked him for a divorce. Their marriage was only perfect since the day she died.

His delusions have reached their breaking point in s7. He quickly fell down into a hole after seeing a girl similar to his wife. He started pursuing her, even though he already has a girlfriend. Also, leading this woman into a situationship without her knowing about the wife.

It was only after buck said something, that he realized that he wasn't even sure of what he wanted from Kim. He soon after came clean to her, and tried to stop their relationship. (then she matched his 𝓯𝓻𝓮𝓪𝓴 and actually got bangs and got into a weird role-play as shannon, to “try” to get Eddie to get over her, is suppose.... I don't even know what she was trying to do there😭😭😭😭). That is when Chris caught them. Eddie never intended for his son to see him in this broken state, and he had actually done a great job at hiding it until now.

This mistake does not erase how much Chris means to Eddie and all the things he has done to maintain Chris' wellbeing.

This is simply an example of a very broken man.

i wanted to clarify that when i refer to "catholicism" in the text im not talking about what the scriptures (Bible) say, i talk about how people interpret them in latam context. also im probably forgetting some things but I think this gets my point across.

[the-confessions-of-a-fangirl]

Eddie diaz defense squad be the most jobless people ever.

EDDIE DIAZ HAS NEVER DONE ANYTHING WRONG IN HIS LIFE! THERE IS NOTHING TO DEFEND!

He's just traumatized and gay

[munsonsmixtapes]

munsonsmixtapes 1,000 followers celebration

So, I've almost reached 1,000 followers and first and foremost, I just wanted to say thank you all so much! I posted on here at the end of March on a whim, not really thinking anything of it, but I've been met with so much love and everyone has been so nice. I truly never thought any of my writing would ever get that much attention, so the fact that so many of my pieces have done well has made me so happy!

In honor of this big milestone, I've decided to do a celebration!

Here's how it works: send me a character, their relationship to each other, and one of the prompts below along with a song listed and I will write something based on it!

Characters:

Eddie Munson

Steve Harringtion

Eddie Diaz

Evan "Buck" Buckley

Anthony Bridgerton

Benedict Bridgerton

If a character you're wanting to read about isn't listed, feel free to mention them!

Relationships:

friends to lovers

enemies to lovers

friends with benefits

strangers to lovers

established relationship

friends

Prompts:

“This is for you.”

“Surprise!”

“Am I going to hate you for this?”

“You’re a terrible influence.”

“I knew this was a mistake.” 

“You shouldn’t be here.”

“We need to talk about what happened last night.”

“You’re lucky that you’re cute.”

“I think I’m in love with you.”

“Will you please just listen to me?”

“Just trust me. Please?”

“How long are we going to keep this a secret?”

“Don’t ask.”

“How many times do I have to tell you that I love you before you believe it?”

“You look even more beautiful than I remember.”

“We’re going to be late.”

“Why did you lie?”

“Please don’t cry.”

“It’s been a long day and I just need a cuddle.”

“Marry me.”

“How drunk are you?”

“I just want you all to myself. Is that so wrong?”

“Will you just shut up and kiss me already?”

“Don’t act like you don’t know exactly what you’re doing to me.”

“Where have you been?”

“Can we talk? Alone?”

“I just want to make you feel good.”

“This isn’t all about you.”

“Can I kiss you?”

“Hold my hand.”

“It almost sounds like you’re jealous.”

“I think I deserve an explanation.”

“Why have you been ignoring me?” 

“You look really good tonight.”

“I can’t believe you’re actually trying to leave without saying goodbye.”

“You know, you don’t always have to be so fucking rude all the time.”

“Do you ever think about me as much as I think about you?”

“No, stay.”

“I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“What’s on your mind?”

“I can’t believe I let you drag me here.”

“I need you.”

“There’s no need to be jealous, honey. You’re the one I love, remember?” “Prove it.”

“Don’t go all shy on me. You look so pretty like this.”

“Oh, darling, if you wanted to see me naked, all you had to do was ask.”

“That’s a really nice dress but I think it would look better on the floor.”

“Do you trust me?”

“I’m going to fucking worship you.”

“Can I try something?”

“You look so pretty under me.”

[biboybuckley]

crashing, i’m crashing right into you

Evan “Buck” Buckley/Eddie Diaz | 6.7k | teen and up audiences | read on ao3 | sequel

Buck gets an unfortunate call while driving and spirals before getting hit by a drunk driver. Surprise, coma!buck is real and can hear the things people (Eddie and Maddie) say while he's unconscious. Follows the struggles Buck deals with while trying to come back and the ones he has to face if he does.

6.07 spec, so the sperm donor issue is a Thing.

(inspired by this post)

-

Buck planned on telling Eddie. Really, he did.  He was sitting in front of Conner and Kameron and hoping his smile looked real and thinking what am I gonna tell Eddie? And then he was at the station a few days later and Hen was watching him and Eddie was venting about Chris and it became more about how can he possibly tell this to Eddie?

How can Buck tell Eddie- Eddie, who still has guilt over leaving Chris when he was born- Eddie, who is the best father Buck thinks he’s ever met- Eddie, who will see right through Buck the moment he opens his mouth- how can he tell him what he’s agreed to? That he’s going to be a father who walks away. That he knows it’s going to kill him, but he’s doing it anyway because he can’t say no. That once again, he’s whittling his worth down to a mere collection of parts. 

He can’t, is the conclusion he comes to. He can’t tell Eddie. Not yet, at least. Once… once the deed is done, then he’ll come clean. He’ll tell Eddie everything and he’ll close himself off to the pain because what’s done will be done and neither of them can change it. He’ll tell Eddie once it’s too late to back out, because Eddie is the one person that could give him that choice. 

So Buck keeps it to himself. He pulls Hen aside during their shift and begs her not to say anything to anyone and she looks at him with those devastatingly caring eyes and touches his arm gently and asks, “Are you sure?” And Buck swallows his tears, puts on a smile, and nods. And Hen lets him go. He goes straight to the bathroom and throws up. 

It’s an excruciating two weeks until his doctor’s appointment. He barely speaks to the team. Hen’s giving him space, the only one who knows what he’s dealing with. Chim has seemingly picked up on her behavior and hasn’t pressed Buck. Bobby called him into his office a couple times, asking if he’s alright. 

Buck’s been smiling and saying, “Fine, Cap. Just something I’m trying to figure out.” And Bobby’s been giving him a look like he knows something, smiling a little, and telling Buck he’s proud of him. Which… okay, it’s nice to hear, but Buck’s got no idea what he’s referring to. He even asked Hen if she told Bobby anything and she swore she hadn’t. Buck shrugged it off.

The main issue has been Eddie. Once everything blew over with Chris, it became increasingly hard to keep this from Eddie. Eddie… he sees Buck, sees right through him. No- not through him. Buck’s parent’s saw through him, like he was nothing but a ghost, haunting them. Which, in a way, he supposes he was. No, Eddie looks into Buck. Like he’s peeling back the layers to peer right into Buck’s very core, taking his defenses apart piece by piece and leaving him bare, everything laid out for Eddie to pick through and place back together. 

Hiding something from Eddie is awful. Because it means Buck can hardly even talk to him. It takes one look and Buck wants desperately to spill his guts, to confess his all sins and have them cleansed away with soft words and gentle touches. He’s been avoiding Eddie, for the most part. He knows it’s hurting Eddie. It’s hurting him. It’s an actual, physical pain. An aching, sharp and hollow in his chest. A burning, gathering in his throat and spreading through his veins. 

Eddie’s tried talking to him. He’s begged Buck to tell him was wrong, bribed him with dinners with Chris and activities- family activities. Usually, Buck’s defenseless against those. But… now they make a wave of nausea crest in his gut and tears burn behind his eyes. It’s something he’ll never have, not really. He can play pretend with his Diaz boys all he wants, but when it comes down to it- when it comes down to it, he’s not one of them. Not in the way he wants to be. 

And he wants, he wants so bad. He wants to come home every night to them, to wake up with them every morning. He wants to kiss away Eddie’s pout everytime something goes wrong between them, he wants to promise Chris that no matter how mad Eddie might seem, it’s only because he loves him and he’ll calm down. He wants to be there so Eddie doesn’t always have to be the bad cop, he wants to be there whenever Chris has something he feels he can’t tell his dad. He wants to cook them family dinners each night and shop for their groceries and kiss them both goodnight and take care of them when they’re sick. Buck wants. He wants it all, so badly it threatens to crush him sometimes when he remembers he’ll never get it. 

But he doesn’t want anyone else, either. 

He’s come to that conclusion after many, many hours of thinking about what in his life will actually make him happy. Girlfriends never have. His job does, but it’s not enough. His family does, but not in the way he needs. The closest he’s ever gotten is the few shining moments he’s had with his Diaz boys when it seems like maybe, just maybe, he could belong to them. He doesn’t want anyone else. 

He realized that after a conversation with Hen about being Conner and Kameron’s donor. 

“Are you really sure this is what you want, Buck?” she’d asked again. She’d asked countless times over the past couple weeks, and Buck had always nonend. This time, though, she’d pressed. “Why? I know you love to help people but- there’s got to be more to this, Buck.”

And he’d been a little tipsy, so he’d sighed heavily and said, “I’ve always- I’ve always wanted a kid of my own. Like, one I made, y’know? And… I know they won’t really be mine, but… it’s looking like the only chance I’ll get.” 

“Buck,” she’d murmured, “There’s someone out there, someone for you.” Yeah, Buck thought, he’s about a ten minute drive away. “You’ll find them eventually.”

“No,” Buck breathed, shaking his head. Because he’s already found them. And he can never have them. “No, I don’t- this is my chance.” Something in his voice must have indicated he didn’t want to talk about it, because Hen dropped it. 

Buck wants Eddie. He doesn’t want the next best thing, and it wouldn’t be fair to whoever that is. He’s going to die exactly how he’s living, half in Eddie’s world and half on his own. One foot inside the house, one foot inside the fire station. He’s trying to accept it. 

Two and a half weeks after he sat in front of his friend and promised him his child, Buck’s heart feels about ready to beat out of his chest as he walks towards the doctor’s office. Vaguely, he wonders if he’s having a panic attack. He shakes his head at himself. No, no, he’s fine. He’s fine. He’s gonna go in there, get this done, and then walk away. Just like he agreed. He’s also definitely, definitely not going to think about Eddie. 

It’s hard not to, though, because he convinced himself to say yes to Eddie’s invitation to dinner and movie night at the Diaz house tomorrow night. He’s going to tell Eddie. Tomorrow, he’s going to tell Eddie. Once the sample has been processed, once there’s no backing out. Yeah. 

He takes a deep breath and opens the door to the doctor’s office. It’s going to be fine. 

-

Buck spends the next twenty-four hours in a numb, detached state. He barely sleeps. He goes through the motions of his life. He deep cleans his entire loft because he has the day off but he has to do something. He reads a third of the newest self-help books he’s found, but sitting still allows the nauseous feeling in his gut to build and threaten to overwhelm him. He goes to the gym and pushes himself to almost dangerous levels, until two of the other patrons have to run over and lift off the barbell that’s attempting to crush his throat. He takes that as a sign to go home. He remakes his bed three times until you could bounce a coin off it, reorganizes his book shelf, even cleans his toilet. 

Finally, mercifully, the clock hits 5:45 and it’s time to head over to Eddie’s. Climbing in the jeep, his stomach rumbles and he absently realizes he hasn’t eaten since lunch yesterday. Hopefully Eddie’s made something good. His cooking has improved a lot lately, but he’ll still occasionally produce something that Chris often likens to an “old shoe.”

He only makes it a few blocks before he gets the call. His phone starts ringing and Buck taps the car display, answering without looking at the caller ID. An unfamiliar voice crackles through the jeep’s audio system. 

“Is this Mr. Evan Buckley?”

“Uh, yeah, yeah that’s me. Buck is fine.”

“Hello Mr. Buckley, this is Dr. Alice Offley.”

“Oh! Doctor, of course, hello. Is everything alright?”

“I-” she hesitates and Buck’s heart begins to sink. “There’s no easy way to say this, Mr. Buckley, but I have some concerns regarding your medical history that I’d like to discuss with you.”

“Y-yeah,” Buck whispers. “Yeah, of course.” 

“It says here you’ve suffered both a pulmonary embolism as well as blood clots as recently as 2019?”

“Yes, yeah, but that was- that was a firefighting incident, I’m fine now.”

The doctor only hums thoughtfully. Then, “And there’s a history of cancer in your family?” Buck’s blood runs cold, his heart settling in the pit of his stomach. 

“Y-yeah,” he chokes out. “Is that- does that mean I can’t-”

“It means I’ll have to let your recipients know. There are some very serious risks involved that they need to be made aware of.”

“Y-you mean th-the kid could-”

“The child conceived from your DNA could be genetically predisposed to be at risk for cancer, specifically pediatric leukemia.” 

The world goes mute. White noise rings in Buck’s ears. The road in front of him blurs. He must hang up, because the screen goes dark. Tears burn his eyes. His chest feels like it’s caving in on itself, compressing his heart tighter and tighter until it’s about to burst. He can’t breathe, he can’t see, he can’t hear. Everything has gone muted and numb and this can’t be real. It feels like- it feels like he’s being crushed by the firetruck again, but this time there’s no one here to hold his hand. 

And then the impact slams him sideways and his head hits the steering wheel and it feels like nothing at all. 

-

Gaining consciousness is a struggle. The darkness calls to him, soothing and alluring and gentle. The blaring horn is the only thing he can latch onto to drag himself out of it. The sound is deafening and nonstop. It’s- it’s coming from his car, he realizes. He can’t see anything, even as he fights to open his eyes. The world swims in and out of view and it’s dark, it’s all dark. Every part of his body hurts. As much as he struggles, he can’t move and he can’t remember what happened. 

“H-he-hey S-Siri,” he croaks out. The small chime sounds and relief blooms in his chest. “Call 911.”

The line only rings twice before a male voice answers, “911, what’s your emergency?”

“M-Maddie Buckley,” he gasps. 

“I’m sorry sir, what was that?”

“Operator Maddie Buckley,” he begs, his voice breaking into a sob. “Please, please. Maddie.” The line clicks and then,

“Hello?” Buck whimpers out a sob of relief. “This is Maddie, who is this?”

“Mads,” Buck chokes. “Maddie.”

“Buck?” Panic creeps into her voice. “Evan is that you?”

“Accident,” his words are growing slurred and he realizes he doesn’t have long. “I need- I need you t-to call-” He coughs, gasping in breaths as the pain begins to overwhelm him. His vision swims and his breathing is ragged, raspy, pained. “Call Eddie.”

“Evan, where are you?” Maddie pleads, nearly hysteric. 

“Please,” he cries. “Please, promise me. Promise me you’ll tell him-”

“Evan, stop.”

“Maddie, listen,” he gasps. “You have to promise me, promise you’ll tell him I’m sorry.”

“No.” Buck can hear the tears in her voice. “No, no. No. You- you can tell him yourself. No.” 

“Maddie, I love you. But I need you to promise me you’ll tell him, and tell Chris. Tell them- tell them I loved them a-and I’m sorry, god, I’m so sorry.” His words are slow now, and he can only hope they’re clear enough for her to hear him. She knows, though. He knows she knows. She’ll tell them. But still, he whispers, “Promise me.”

“I promise,” Maddie sobs. “But Evan, I need you to stay with me. Please, please don’t leave me. Stay awake, come on baby brother.”

“I love you. ‘M s’rry,” Buck slurs, and then he lets go and the darkness swallows him. He doesn’t even hear the last thing he whispers, “I think I’d have been a good dad.”

-

There’s a hand in his. Rough and warm, calluses brushing against his skin, holding onto him tightly. This is the first thing he’s aware of. The next is the beeping. Monotonous and steady, repetitive. It’s a familiar sound, but he can’t place it. Third is the smell. Again, he can’t place it. But it’s earthy and sweet and just… the only word that comes to him is home. 

He’s floating, not really anywhere at all. He’s not in the blackness anymore. Now it’s more gray. He can’t feel anything except the hand holding his. Then the hand shifts, pulling his up, and soft lips brush against his knuckles. The lips slide over his fingers and then a cheek, damp with tears, is resting against their joined hands. 

He hears a sniffle, small and heartbroken. He wants to reach out, to wipe away the tears, to kiss away the crying. Then the person clears their throat. When they talk, the voice comes out gravelly and rough. 

“I need you to wake up, Buck.” It’s more a plea than a command, heavy with grief. “Please. Please, I- I don’t- I can’t do this without you, man. Any of it. Please wake up. Please.” And Buck wants to. He wants to come back to this person whose name flits from his grasp but he knows he loves more than anything in this world. He wants to do whatever it takes to take the pain out of their voice. 

There’s a shaky, tearful sigh, and then there’s a hand on his forehead, adjusting his curls gently, fingertips brushing his skin. “It wasn’t your fault. Maddie- Maddie said that you kept saying sorry. That she was begging you to tell her where you were, but you just… kept saying sorry. Sorry to me. Me and Chris. Like- like you thought we’d blame you. She said you used every breath you had trying to reach us.” The tears are coming now, dripping onto Buck’s skin and rolling toward his wrist. 

The person takes a deep, broken up breath. “She said it was almost too late when they got to you. You almost- you almost didn’t- you almost didn’t make it, Evan.” The words are hitching, threaded with stifled sobs. “You still might not, and I don’t know what the hell happens if you don’t. I can’t- I can’t tell him, Buck. I can’t tell him he’s never going to see you again.”

Buck strains, aching to scream I’m here! He’s going to see me! The effort makes the grayness spin and darken, everything growing farther away. He can’t feel the hand as solidly now, the beeping is dulled. He still fights because he doesn’t want to leave, not right now. He wants to hear what else this person’s going to say to him. 

But he loses his battle, slipping back into the blackness. He doesn’t hear Eddie say, “How can I tell him he’s never going to see his father again?”

-

It feels more solid the next time Buck reaches the surface. He feels steadier, a little less like he’s floating. There’s a hand in his again. There’s the same beeping. The same scent hovering around him. But now he can feel the soft sheets beneath his other hand, the pillow supporting his head. He’s closer. 

The voice comes again, and he can taste the name on his tongue. “It’s been a week. They- they don’t know if you’re going to wake up. They say the longer it takes, the less likely it is. I don’t- I don’t want to believe them, Buck. Th-they don’t know you. They don’t know that you are a fighter and that there’s no way in hell you’re going to leave your family, not like this. You- you’re not- you’re not gonna leave me, Buck. You’re not. You didn’t- you didn’t drag me out of that street two years ago just to- to die on me before I get the chance to tell you…” 

Tell me what?! Buck wants to scream, but his body won’t obey him. 

“No,” the voice says, as if they heard Buck. “No, I’ll tell you when you wake up. I’m not… I’m not saying this until you can say it back.” There’s a shifting nearby and then the hand squeezes his own and those same soft lips brush Buck’s forehead, pressing the softest of kisses into his skin. “Please come back so I can tell you. Please.”

There’s silence for a few moments as Buck struggles to no avail. Then, “Chris misses you.” A face flashes in Buck’s mind. Curly hair, like his. Blue eyes, just a few shades off from his own. Glasses. Big, goofy grin. For a beat, he thinks he’s seeing the child he could have had. Then- no, the name sinks in and no, this isn’t his kid. It’s just the one he wishes was his. “He’s been asking about you, if he can see you. I- I keep telling him no. You- you wouldn’t want him to see you like this, when you can’t respond. I know that. But.. it’s hard Buck,” he admits, his voice breaking, “it’s so hard. I don’t want the next time he sees you to be… to be at a funeral. I really, really need you to come back.”

It’s more painful than the crash itself when Buck realizes he can’t do what the voice is asking. 

-

The third time he becomes aware of his surroundings, the hand in his is different. It’s smaller, more delicate. Softer, lacking the callouses. The voice is sweeter and less rough, sadder, when the person speaks. 

“Hi Evan. I, um,” there’s a small laugh, “I’m never really sure if you can hear me. Eddie changes his mind every time he tries to talk to you. But- I just- I wanted you to know. I’ll tell you again, when you wake up.” A pause. “If you wake up, I guess. But it- it might bring you some peace, I think. I told them, Evan. Just like- like you asked me to. I told Eddie first and he said I could talk to Chris. I rephrased a bit cause you weren’t- you weren’t all that lucid, y’know? But I- I knew what you wanted and I did it, I think. I hope. They knew already, of course they did. But he still… Eddie wanted- wanted to hear the call, Evan. I know- I know you wouldn’t have wanted him to hear you like that but… He’s grieving. I couldn’t say no, couldn’t keep that from him.”

There’s a small, short, teary laugh and then a chin is propped on their joined hands. Similar to the first time he came to, a hand brushes over his forehead. The fingers are softer and nails lightly scratch over his skin. “I hope you’re not mad when you wake up. It’s gonna be a when, yeah Evan? They- they tell me I should get used to saying if. I don’t want to. I want to believe you’re fighting, that you’re gonna come back to me. To them.” A heavy sigh. “I love you, baby brother.”

-

The first voice is back, gruff and warm and spreading through Buck like the glow of sunlight.The first thing he hears is, “I listened to the call. I- I made Maddie let me, so if you’re gonna be pissed at someone when you wake up, be pissed at me. I just… I had to hear it.” A sad, bitter laugh. The voice turns wet with tears, thick with emotion. Something in Buck’s soul aches. “Y-you were- you were choking on your own blood, Buck. I could hear it, over the phone. And still apologizing. Begging to be forgiven. While you were drowning in your own blood, bleeding out in your car on your own. Begging- begging for me. And shit, I was just like ten minutes away, man. But I wasn’t- I wasn’t there.”

Buck’s hands are clasped between two of the rough, calloused ones. They squeeze his fingers and something wet splatters on his skin. Tears, he realizes dimly. The person is crying, breaths hitching as they struggle to talk. “You needed me, and I wasn’t there. I didn’t- I didn’t even know until Maddie called me. And by the time I got there… you looked dead, Evan. I thought you were dead. But they- they were loading you into the ambulance.” A wet laugh. “They tried to stop me. Tried to hold me back. Didn’t work very well. I think I gave Hernandez a black eye. You remember Hernandez, yeah? From the C shift. He finally recognized me and let me through. They barely let me ride in the ambulance with you, but I threatened to call Bobby and no one wanted to fight that bad. Plus… you were in really bad shape. There was no time to argue.”

The hands shift, one leaving his and landing on his cheek, cradling his face softly, fingertips barely brushing over skin. “I thought you might die on the ride. Then in surgery. Then after, when you didn’t wake up. I still- you still might. They’ve been telling us to say if a lot. If you recover fully. If you remember anything. If you wake up at all. Maddie’s been trying. The rest of the crew, too. I can’t- I can’t bring myself to. It feels… it feels like I’d be giving up on you. Because you are going to wake up. You’re gonna come back to me, yeah?” The fingers skim up his face, brushing through his hair. 

“You just have to fight, cariño,” the voice whispers. 

Buck doesn’t know how much fight he has left.  

-

The next time Buck brushes with consciousness, the hand isn’t there. Buck panics, though he’s not sure why. He can feel more this time, the weight of his own body, a pricking sensation in his arm. The bed under him, the air on his skin. He’s so, so close. 

There’s a soft breath beside him and then fingers are intertwining with his and Buck feels like he breathes for the first time in he doesn’t know how long. 

“Hey Buck.” It’s the same voice, but this time when the name comes to him, Buck latches onto it like a lifeline, pulls it close to him and cradles it in his mind. Eddie. “I don’t even know if you’re hearing me. The doctors say it’s likely you can but… I dunno. I feel like- like if you could hear me, you’d come back. It’s stupid, yeah, I know. But- listen, Buck. If you can hear me, don’t- don’t even try to say anything, yeah? Just- just-” He takes a deep breath, steadying himself. “If you can hear me, just squeeze my hand. Please.” Eddie squeezes his hand as if to show him what he means. Then there’s a weight on his hip and he realizes it’s Eddie, resting his forehead against Buck’s body. “Please, Evan, just squeeze my hand.”

And Buck does.

-

It doesn’t happen how Buck thought it would. He doesn’t squeeze Eddie’s hand and open his eyes and everything’s fine. No, he squeezes Eddie’s hand and he hears Eddie shocked, “Buck?” and then the darkness swallows him immediately. 

The hand is still in his when he comes to again. He tests his boundaries, asking his fingers to twitch. They do, and the hand squeezes back instantly. 

“Buck?” Eddie’s voice is almost crystal clear now and Buck feels as if he might cry. But his eyes won’t open and his body still won’t obey him, not even his tear ducts. All he can do is squeeze the fingers in his. “Buck, it’s me, I’m right here.” Eddie sounds almost giddy with disbelief and Buck squeezes his hand again, elated to offer any semblance of relief and always desperate to make Eddie smile. 

“He’s awake!” Eddie’s voice calls. Immediately, a door is opening and there's feet shuffling and voices filling the room. Buck can barely filter them and all he can think is no I’m not. If he was awake, his eyes would be open. His body would listen to him. A panic seizes him suddenly and he starts rapidly squeezing Eddie’s hand, frantic. He can’t live like this, not if he’s not going to get better. He would rather die. 

“Shh, shh, shh,” Eddie gently shushes him, squeezing back and setting a hand on his face, stroking his skin softly. “It’s okay, alright? Doctor Hersen is gonna explain a little.”

“Firefighter Buckley, can you hear me?” A new, older, strict voice reaches Buck. He squeezes Eddie’s hand once. 

“Yeah,” Eddie breathes. “Yeah, he can.” 

The doctor makes a soft humming sound. “Can you do anything else? Open your eyes, control how long you’re conscious?” Buck doesn’t move. He can’t answer. “Let’s try this; one squeeze for yes, two for no until you recover a bit more, alright? Because you will continue to recover, Evan. You just have to be patient with yourself.” Buck squeezes Eddie’s hand once. 

“He gets it.”

“Do you remember what happened?”

Two squeezes and Eddie relays the answer. 

“Alright, that’s a potentially triggering subject to expose you to, so we’re going to refrain until you’re a bit more stable. Do you remember who you are?”

One squeeze. 

“Do you-” That’s Eddie’s voice, cutting in. He clears his throat, fear creeping into his words. “D’you remember who I am?”

One squeeze and Eddie lets out a long, relieved breath. Immediately, half a dozen voices start up again. Buck can’t isolate them, can’t understand them all. Panic starts seizing him again and he’s powerless to do anything but move his left hand, so he starts shaking. His hand, then his whole body is trembling. 

“Stop talking!” Eddie orders immediately, resuming the soothing stroking of Buck’s skin. “Everyone- everyone has to get out, it’s freaking him out.” 

The clamoring doesn’t stop and Buck searches for the darkness this time, yearning for the peace. It takes him in willingly and he manages one last weak squeeze of Eddie’s hand before he drifts off. 

-

The squeezing lasts what feels like maybe a day to Buck. They ask him lots of questions. Some he understands and can answer. Some he understands but can’t answer. Some are just a blur. Memories start coming back, bits and flashes. Getting the call, though he can’t determine who it was he was talking to. The car slamming into him. Calling 911. Talking to Maddie. The 911 call is the most frustrating to remember. He knows he asked for Maddie. He recalls begging her to tell Eddie he was sorry, that he loved them all. But that’s- that’s it. From the sound of it, it was worse than he remembers. It’s probably a good thing. All of it- it’s all just a jumbled mess, but he’s slowly piecing it together, fragment by fragment.

And then one time, he comes back to the surface and he feels Eddie’s hand in his and he smells Eddie’s body wash and he turns his head and he opens his eyes and there he is. Eddie. By his bed, as he has been for god knows how long. He looks exhausted, dark circles under his eyes and hair messy and several days of stubble shadowing his jaw. He’s never looked more beautiful. His eyes are closed, like he might be asleep. 

Buck squeezes his hand and tries to say something, but all that comes out is a hollow croak, somewhere between a moan and a wheeze. Eddie’s eyes fly open and tears well immediately. 

“Buck.” It comes out choked, heavy with shock and disbelief, squeezing his hand so hard it hurts and reaching a hand toward his face. He stops just short of touching Buck’s skin, but Buck gives him a short, jerky nod and Eddie’s hand lands on the side of his face, brushing his thumb over his cheek and wiping away the tear that has already fallen as Eddie pitches forward, burying his face in the crook of Buck’s neck and holding onto him for dear life. His tears wet the skin of Buck’s neck, but he couldn’t care less as he grips Eddie’s hand back like a vice. 

He tries to speak again, to ask for something to drink, but only lets out another croak. Eddie jerks back instantly. “Water,” he says, nodding. “Water, water, yeah of course.” Something bursts in Buck’s chest at Eddie’s immediate understanding of what Buck needs. The hand leaves his face but he can’t mourn the loss, because Eddie grabs a cup and brings it to Buck’s lips and the water trickles into his mouth and down his parched throat and Buck lurches forward, forcing Eddie to tilt the cup forward and let him drink it all in one go.

When the cup is drained, Eddie pulls it away and then simply waits, his eyes searching Buck’s face. Buck breathes for a moment, then lets the corner of his mouth turn up. 

“Hey,” he says. His voice is hoarse from unuse, but Eddie looks at him like it’s the most beautiful sound he’s ever heard. 

“Hey,” he chokes out around his tears. “Th-the others will wanna know-”

“In a minute,” Buck cuts in. “Just…” he brushes his thumb over Eddie’s knuckles and tilts his head back, staring at the ceiling. “In a minute…” 

“I didn’t know if I’d ever see your eyes again,” Eddie says after a beat. “It sounds strange but-”

“It doesn’t,” Buck promises, looking at Eddie again, feeling his lips form a wide smile. “Not to me.”

Eddie just swallows hard and nods, shifting to clasp Buck’s hand between his.

“I heard you,” Buck tells him. “Not- not all the time, I don’t think. But… I heard you.”

Tears threaten to spill past Eddie’s lashes. “Yeah?”

“Yeah,” he breathes. “You- you had something to tell me? Once I was awake, you said.”

A look of surprise crosses Eddie’s face and he blinks once, twice. Then he opens his mouth and-

The door opens. A tall man in a white coat steps inside as Eddie turns to look. The man spots Buck and his eyes widen in surprise. 

“He’s awake.” That’s the third voice Buck heard, the doctor. He steps forward in three swift steps, holding out his hand. “Hello, Mr. Buckley, I’m Doctor-”

“Buck is fine,” Buck interrupts, smiling but making no move to let go of Eddie’s hand and shake the man’s. 

Buck is fine. The words echo in his ears and he feels his brows draw together. Buck is fine. And then it all comes rushing back. The call, the test results, the crash. Doctor Offley telling him any children he has may be at risk for leukemia. The icy, electric realization that the one life he was brought into this world to save is also the very reason he cannot ever bring another life into it. 

A shock runs through Buck and whatever the doctor is saying now is lost to him as his ears start ringing and the world starts spinning. He can’t do this, he can’t- he- he doesn’t know how he’s supposed to recover from this, why he should recover from this-

“Buck,” Edide’s voice cuts through the panic, his hands squeezing Buck’s tightly. “Buck what’s going on?”

“I- I can’t-” He can’t breathe.

Distantly, he hears Eddie say. “Doctor, could you…?” And then, “Okay, Buck it’s just you and me. Breathe, c’mon, breathe with me, bud. Deep breaths, okay? In… out… in…” he continues for several breaths until Buck feels somewhat more grounded and looks at Eddie again. 

“Sorry,” he stammers out. “I- I’m sorry.” 

Eddie shakes his head, shushing him. “Nothing to apologize for, Evan. You can let yourself not be okay for a while. You- you almost died.” His voice cracks. “You could have died.”

Buck lets out a soft, dry snort, dropping his head back. “Yeah. What a shame that would’ve been.”

Eddie doesn’t even know how to reply to that. The words stick in his throat, held back by the sudden, icy fear clawing up his neck. He’s known something’s been wrong with Buck for a while. But maybe- maybe it’s way worse than what Eddie ever imagined. 

“Wh- what- how could you even say that, Buck?”

Tears well in Buck’s eyes, making his vision swim as he stares straight ahead at the ceiling. “I’m broken, Eddie. They should- I should fuckin’ donate my body to science so they can figure out what made me defective. Cause there- there’s something broken in me. It’s- it’s why I couldn’t save Daniel. Why any child I have will suffer the same fate he did.” 

“Buck, what are you talking about?” Eddie begs, lost beyond belief. Buck lets out a long sigh. This definitely isn't how he planned on telling him.

“I agreed to be a sperm donor,” he says. “For my friend, Conner, and his wife. They- they want to have a kid and they can’t so- so they asked me and I- I agreed.” The tears spill over, dripping down his face. 

“Buck,” Eddie breathes, and he sounds so sad it shatters something deep in Buck’s chest. His breath hitches with a barely contained sob. “Why? Why would you- why would you agree to that? You could never be-”

“A father,” Buck finishes. Eddie shakes his head. 

“A father who walks away. A parent who doesn’t know his child.” Of course Eddie cuts right to the core of it in less than a minute, slices Buck open and reveals the very thing that has been tormenting him since he said yes. 

“It’s the only chance I was gonna get,” Buck whispers, too tired to even try and lie. 

“Buck, what do you even- how can you think that?”

“Because it’s true.”

Eddie just shakes his head. He’ll deal with that in a minute. But for now… “Why wouldn’t you tell me? You’ve been struggling with this for- who knows how long-”

“Almost three weeks before the accident,” Buck offers. 

“Why wouldn’t you tell me?” 

Buck hesitates for a long moment, but the answer comes out of its own volition. “I didn’t… I couldn’t handle disappointing you.”

“Buck,” Eddie whispers, and he sounds absolutely heartbroken by Buck’s confession. Buck forces himself to look at him, at the tears turning Eddie’s eyes into shining crystals. “Sweetheart, you could never disappoint me, okay? If you- if you really wanted this, I’d have supported it.” Even as the term of endearment causes a burst of warmth in his chest, Buck’s gaze flicks away and Eddie frowns slightly. “That wasn’t the problem, was it?” He can’t answer. “You were afraid I would see how much this is breaking you, that I would help you not do it.”

“I had to,” Buck chokes out. “I had to do it.”

“Because it’s your only chance to have a child?”

Buck nods.

“Bullshit.” It comes out a growl, tinged with anger. “Bull shit, Buck. For the love of- you already have a child, Evan.” Buck’s eyes snap to him, his expression struggling between shock, confusion, and hope. Eddie sets his hand back on the side of Buck’s face. He lets out a teary laugh, shaking his head and looking at Buck with pure adoration in his eyes. “What the fuck did you think my making you Chris’s legal guardian was?”

Buck just stares at him for several breaths until he realizes Eddie expects an actual answer. “That I’m- that I’m a backup?” he offers weakly. Eddie just shakes his head again, tears dripping down his cheeks even as a wide smile splits his face. 

“You’re an idiot, sometimes.” Buck blinks, taken aback. “Evan Buckley, you have been a second father to that kid since the very moment you met him. Even you can’t possibly have missed that.”

“I thought- I just thought-”

“He tells people at school he has two dads, Buck. He has since we built him that skateboard and he went into class the next day and proclaimed that ‘his dads made him a skateboard’ and I got a very confused call from a very frazzled Ana.” And Buck’s crying, but he can’t help but laugh at the image. “You’re his dad, Buck.”

“But you-”

“Yeah, I’m his father. I’m all he had for a while. We were doing alright. But there was always… there was always something missing.” His fingers card through the hair on the side of Buck’s head. “You. You were missing. You came barrelling into our lives and you filled the hole we had been convincing ourselves didn’t exist. It was you, Buck. You make our family whole. You’re everything we ever needed, everything I ever wanted.”

Buck starts. “Everything- everything you wanted?”

Eddie grins. “Ask me what I had to tell you.”

“Eddie, what-”

“Ask me.” 

Buck takes in a shaky breath, neither of them breaking their locked gaze. “What were you gonna tell me when I woke up, Eddie?”

“That I am completely and madly and foolishly and embarrassingly and entirely head over heels in love with you, Evan Buckley.” 

The breath catches in Buck’s throat and there are tears welling in his eyes again and this doesn’t even feel real. He lets out a short, disbelieving, shocked laugh. “You love me?” It comes out as a whisper, as if he fears if he were any louder, it would shatter the spell. 

“Wholly and completely, Buck.” Buck just stares at him, face breaking into a wide grin. “You got a response or…?”

“I think you should kiss me,” Buck says. “I think you should kiss me right now.”

And, well, Eddie really didn’t need to be told the second time. He’s gentle, careful, cradling Buck’s jaw in his hand and kissing him slowly, softly. He’s mindful of Buck’s bruises even as their fingers twist together and his fingertips press into Buck’s jaw, tilting his head to get just the right angle and it’s so fucking perfect Buck could cry. It’s everything he’s ever wanted and more. If only he’d known…

Eddie pulls back after what feels like an eternity, searching Buck’s eyes. “What are you thinking right now?”

“That if I knew getting hit by a car was all it took to get you to kiss me, I’d have done that years ago,” Buck replies. Eddie lets out a soft laugh, shaking his head as Buck grins. Buck takes his free hand and tilts Eddie’s face back towards his, fingertips under his jaw. “And that I love you more than I thought was humanly possible. That our family is everything I’ve ever wanted and more, that it was something I didn’t think I’d ever get.”

Eddie leans forward, resting his forehead against Buck’s. His lips brush Buck’s nose. “I think you’ve had it a lot longer than you know.”

“I think you’re right,” Buck breathes. “And all it took  to realize that was a week-long coma.”

[storiesfabled]

@empathichearts asked: “He says it’s because I cripple my family.”

While Bobby had known from talking to Eddie that Ramon was far from the best dad in the world, it wasn't until he'd heard Sophia's words that he realized just how awful the man truly was. White hot anger flowed through his veins and he was glad the Diaz patriarch lived in Texas, because Bobby's sudden urge to find the man and punch him in the face was strong.

Calming himself down, he placed a comforting hand on Sophia's shoulder. Bobby couldn't imagine speaking to his own kids that way, ever. Even with all the crap Harper had put him through, he never blamed her and never would. He couldn't understand why other people's parents were so callous towards their own children.

"I know this is going to sound like I'm just trying to tell you what you want to hear, but believe me when I say your father is wrong. It sound like he's the one crippling your family - not you. I know it's easier said than done, but try not to let his words resonate with you. From what your brother has told me, your father is someone who expects everyone to be perfect and gets angry when they don't live up to those unrealistic expectations."

He stopped, realized he might be overstepping and tried another tact.

"If you take anything away form this conversation, let it be this - I am proud of you." He felt she needed at least one person in her life who resembled a father figure to tell her that, and he was happy to be that person.

[prosperdemeter2]

Behind the Scenes for “almost home” if you have the time?

OH MY GOD yes I have time for this. The entire day by day series means so much to be and I still fully believe it's potentially some of the best work I've ever done.

I don't know if I have a favorite scene in the installment, tbh. So I'll just pick one that I've brought up in therapy (literally 😅 my therapist has a link to this series because I worked through so much while writing it.).

I'm hiding it under the Read More so people can scroll past this if they want 😅

It's the scene where they're in the car on their way to pick up Chris and Liana from the Hershey police department. That big confrontation between Adriana and Buck. This entire trip was meant to sort of... symbolize everything the Buckley-Diaz family has gone through so far to get to a stable place of being. Like... can you really be healed, if you don't also end up confronting where your pain comes from?

Funnily enough, I didn't have Adriana set up to be the bad guy, so to speak, when I started the story. It was never supposed to actually go as far or as long as it did, I just... loved the story so much. And then when I was on vacation I couldn't get the potential plot point of Eddie’s relationship with Sophia out of my head and... things with Adriana sort of spiraled to represent my deteriorating relationship with my own sister (one of them). BUT anyway, Buck finally confronting Adriana was so important to me to put in, because so far he hadn't been in the right place to ever give Adriana what she wanted - a fight.

It was incredibly important to me to show the entire time that Buck understood exactly what it was that Liana was going through, even if the two of them weren't on the same side of the coin. He was sort of, accidentally even, projecting his own anxieties onto her (evidenced by him flashing back when Liana and Adriana get in a fight).

“Because Christopher is perfect ,” Adriana crossed her arms and looked out the window. Inside the little convenience store Eddie was at the counter, paying with a tired frown on his face. They were all still in their pajamas, but Buck was thankful that his and Eddie’s, at least, were simple sweatpants rather than fuzzy blue things like Adriana was sporting. “He can’t do anything wrong.”

Adriana compares her entire life to Eddie. It's a fault of the way they were raised, but it's also just who she is as a person. She's so incredibly jealous of the person he's become that it comes out in every single aspect of her life. In her eyes, he's perfect to everyone else and she is the only one that can see the flaws. She's projecting that same feeling onto Christopher, because their parents unknowingly do the same thing to him that they did with Eddie.

“You don’t get it, do you?” Buck couldn’t help himself, Liana’s face at the mention of their wedding floating in his mind.

Adriana rolled her eyes. “I was fifteen once,” she rolled her lips with a scowl. Buck realized he had never really seen her smile. He wondered, absently, if it looked anything like Eddie or Sophia’s. “I too tried to run away from home.”

Adriana doesn't get it. She's like... she's like all of those moms who's have trauma themselves that think that their trauma informs them of the kind they throw onto their kids. She has given Liana a stable home, with both of her parents around, and she doesn't understand why her daughter isn't THANKFUL for that over angry. She sees it all and labels it as "typical teenage angst", missing the fact that, when you're a teenager, everything feels so heightened.

“She didn’t run away from home, Adriana.”

She laughed, a bitter eye-roll painting her face. “Imbécil.”

The leather cracked as he sat up, a stream of anger clawing at his insides. “She ran away from you .”

Now THIS part, I had stuck in my head since dreaming up this conversation. Not a lot of kids run away from home without a reason, and Liana isn't excempt from that. And who better to point it out to Adriana than someone who so BADLY wanted to be seen when he was that age? Buck has been where Liana is here - he begged and begged for his parents to see him and they never did. Instead of him running away physically, he did it mentally. And then he tried to do it in body and soul by attempting suicide.

“You think I purposely pushed my daughter to run away?”

“I think you’re telling yourself that it’s everyone else’s fault but your own.” He corrected. “I think it’s easier for you to sit here and take out all of your anger about everything that’s gone wrong in your life on your brother than it is to accept responsibility.”

“You’re wrong.”

“I think you spend more time comparing your child to ours than you do accepting her for who she is regardless of flaws.”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“I think there have been signs staring you in the face that something was going to happen for years and you just ignored them.”

“You’re wrong.”

“I think you’re incredibly lucky that Liana decided to physically run away rather than do anything far worse.”

“She wouldn’t .”

“We both know that’s not true.”

And then there's! There's this! And this is huge! For more than just because someone is finally confronting Adriana but because this shows SO MUCH how Buck has grown over the series. He went from not even TALKING about his attempt unless it was on the surface to outright telling Adriana what he needed when he was that age. The signs Buck’s talking about were there with him too, and just like Liana, they were ignored until they couldn't be anymore.

"That's exactly what you're saying. I'm doing such a bad job and obviously my daughter isn't just acting out -." 

"It's never just acting out ." 

"And she's not just trying to drive me crazy -." 

"No kid wants to be fighting with their parents all the time." 

"Please, you tell me, with all two years of your experience what it is that I'm doing wrong." 

"You're not listening ." 

"Oh, I listen, alright. I listen every single time Liana screams at me and tells me I'm a horrible mother. As if I haven't given up everything for her and her brother! Like I didn't put my dreams aside when I had her at sixteen -." 

"She didn't ask to be born!" 

"Well, I didn't ask to be her mom!" 

"But you consciously made that decision!" 

"I was sixteen!" 

"You are thirty-four!" 

I'm going to be honest here, this was ALL ME. This was everything I wanted to scream at my own mother over and over again until she understood. There is only so much that you can use your own trauma as an excuse. Adriana was a child with a child, just like my mother was a child going through some terrible life experiences, it was not Liana's fault (just as it wasn't mine) that she was born. It's not her fault that her mother is incapable of offering her the same sympathy and understanding. she wanted when she was her age. And it also does still directly parallel Buck’s own story growing up - he didn't ask to take Daniel's spot. He didn't ask his parents not to mourn. He just asked to be loved.

"You know what? This is about Eddie."

"Not everything -."

"I don't know what your parents did to you guys growing up to make you think there's this… this… this competition between you two but this is affecting your kids ."

"That's not what's happening -."

"If you're not careful with how you step you are going to lose your daughter, okay? You're right, I don't have any idea what you've been through but I do know what she's been through. I know what it's like to be the kid that your parents very obviously never wanted."

"I want my daughter -."

"You just said you didn't."

"You're misunderstanding me!"

"No, you just can't make up your mind!" He tossed up his hands in frustration. "Listen, if I can't wrap my head around it how can you expect her to? If all she hears is everything you've given up in order for her to survive, how is she ever going to be able to trust that?"

"I love her."

"Adriana, this isn't love!" He wanted to beg her to understand. There was so much Evan would give for someone to have told his parents this, to have woken them up with harsh words when he needed it most. But no one had, as far as he knew, and he had been left to deal with it all alone. "You know what it's like to be the kid that's not the favorite. I know you do." Her eyes flickered to his and then down at knees, her lips pursed and fingers picking at a thread in her pajama pants. "Don't you remember being fifteen? Seeing how your parents looked at Eddie and wondering what you did wrong ?"

Sharply, Adriana looked back up at him. "You don't…"

"It took twenty- eight years for me to figure out why my parents acted like I ruined their life by being born. Another year after that to learn that that's not my fault ." He shrugged. "And not to even think about what that did to my sister to know she's the favorite because she was the one they planned ."

"That…" Adriana trailed off, seemingly at a loss for words. She licked her lips and rubbed a hand through her hair.

"It's not my fault for how I was raised any more than it's Liana’s."

"That's not fair ."

"Life isn't fair, Adriana. I'm sorry you had to live in Eddie's shadow, okay? And I'm… I'm sorry your parents won't ever apologize for that. But you're an adult now. Liana’s a kid, " he was pleading, if that could be it. Begging her to understand something he had tried for years to get his parents to see. "It's not up to her to put in the work, okay? Being a parent… I think it means putting in all the work yourself so that your kids aren't stuck doing all the hard stuff by themselves, right?" He licked his lips, drumming on his knee nervously with his fingers. "It matters what's going on with you and Eddie."

The amount of times I was told that love meant being in pain... that love meant giving up parts of myself to keep the peace... it made this whole conversation so visceral to write. Buck screaming that "this isn't love" was something I remember thinking myself when my mother made me feel so terrible about myself that I turned to harm. Love isn't meant to make your children turn inwards instead of turning to you and this was a very important lesson that Adriana had to learn and no one was bothering to tell her. No one is at fault for how they were raised here, not Adriana or Eddie or Buck, but there does reach a point where you have to start working on yourself in order to make sure your children don't get stuck in the mess.

This is so long and I could go on and on about this series forever xhsisjnsns.

[chronicowboy]

Since you mentioned Buck is your least favorite I am curious what’s your ranking ? And is this a I love you but I just love (blank) more situation? Because I’m constantly changing my ranking in 911 for that reason like I love everyone so damn much and I’m constantly switching depending on the season making me focus my love more on certain characters so I’m wondering if this happens to other people as well lol

it's definitely a I love you but I love blank more situation, they're all sooooo perfect to me (in that they're deeply flawed, real characters) and i love each of them deeply but i'd be lying if i didn't say i had favourites so:

eddie diaz - are we surprised? he's my number one. he's literally everything to me. there isn't a character like him in existence. best dad in the world because he's made mistakes and he's learning as he goes but he loves christopher with literally everything he has. petty little bitch who is actually the kindest most compassionate guy out there. friend of lesbians and women everywhere (unless they're a morally bankrupt reporter). i could go on but then this would possibly be the longest ask i've ever posted and also i would get no more work done today.

chimney han - VERY close between him and number 3 and also VERY close between him and number one to be honest. he's my favourite little guy. honestly more babygirl than eddie to me sorry. second best dad in the world (ONLY because he hasn't been doing it as long as eddie). ultimate wifeguy, real simp. rebar AND lady magnet. karaoke king. just. HE'S THE HEART OF THE 118!!!!!!!!!!!

henrietta wilson - LOVE OF MY LIFE! she has never done anything wrong in her life ever (and by this i mean that of course she has but she learns from it). the hen and her mom storyline in suspicion is literally one of my favourite things the show ever did because although i'm not a woman of colour i am a woman who never would have got diagnosed if it weren't for my mum there to advocate for me every step of the way. also an ultimate wifeguy.

bobby nash - HE'S MY DAD BOOGIE WOOGIE WOOGIE! no he's everyone's dad. never been happier for a character to be so severely wrong as i was when he said the 118 wasn't a family, sealed his fate, dear dumb dad. literally what can i say about him? i LOVE it when characters have to unlearn their grief and learn how to open up to the world again - he's my number one.

athena grant - loses points for copaganda but mother! she's just so uhhhhhhh. idk. i look at angela bassett and my brain stops working. she's just. so full of love. but also she gets angry. and she's protective of her family. and fjfhgskgbjktg.

maddie buckley - honestly love her so much especially in the earlier seasons but i feel like season 6 lost her a little bit. but yeah she's my pookie bear. no but fr such a beautifully complex character. i LOVE her SO much.

evan buckley - sir your sad eyes, abandonment issues and dog motif are very sexy god bless you just do not have that jenny say quack the rest of these guys do. To Me. if i knew you in real life, i would despise you probably sorry :/ but i love your extensive amount of issues <3

[phdmama]

I FINISHED SEASON2. I HAVE SO MANY FEELINGS.

MADDIE MEETING PEOPLE SHE’S TALKED WITH ON HER CALLS. SHE. MAKES. A. DIFFERENCE. 😍🥰🥰🥰🥹🥹😍🥹

BUCK BUCK’S LEEEEGGGG 😭😫💔 MY HEART FELL OUT OF MY ASS DURING THE SCENE WITH THE TRUCK AND MY HEART BROKE HEARING HIM SCREAM LIKE THAT.

MADDIE AND CHIM AND ATHENA AND BOBBY GOING FOR HAPPINESS AMIDST THE UNCERTAINTY AND CHAOS OF LIFE 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹

HEN AND HER WIFE I WANT MORE OF THEM.

I marathoned the last 3 episodes so they kinda blurred together but can I just say I’m so NOT happy with what they did to Eddie’s wife. There’s so many other ways her character could’ve been written off and they chose the worst?? C’mon 🙄

All in all, I can’t believe it took me so long to realize a big part of this show’s appeal is that the men??? are crying every other episode and like in a weird misandrist way, it’s nice to see.

FRIEND!!!

Okay as to your last point, I've said that for ages! They just all cry so pretty, I can't be held responsible for how I respond!! But in all seriousness, @fraddit and I have talked a TON about this, that this show is (to me anyway) doing something really interesting around masculinity and the construction of a healthier version of that. I haven't got it fully articulated but something about how emotional and connected these men are is really appealing to me.

And dude OMG <<insert just you wait gif here>>. The opening to season three is gonna... YEAH IT'S GONNA BE SO GOOD OMG I CANNOT WAIT. *ahem*

As for Shannon. Okay. So. This is a really unpopular opinion but I think they really did her wrong and I have a lot of thoughts about why. My understanding is they killed her off because the fandom hated her, which again, I have some Thoughts™ about why that might be. I know "we" generally like to believe that Eddie Diaz is a perfect angel who has never done anything wrong ever in his life, but I have to tell you, as someone who is both married and a parent of children with some complicated needs, I have a SHITTON of empathy for the position Shannon was in. That was a deeply complicated and difficult situation, and I don't think either of them handled it particularly admirably. Anyway.

SO EXCITED TO KEEP FOLLOWING YOUR 911 JOURNEY!!

[rqgnarok]

lights will guide you home

read on ao3 

Buck runs.

Despite how he’s running towards his life, towards his family, he has to leave them behind to get back to them.

He leaves Bobby, high and drunk and somehow still fundamentally wise because that’s who he will always be to Buck: someone to lean on, to learn from, to seek comfort in. A parent, in every way the Buckleys never were.

He waves Chim off, the slightest bit relieved when he hears he and Maddie have met and even if this world isn’t real if it’s a universe where everything is absolutely wrong, Maddie and Chim find each other. They gravitate to each other and become one of the couples Buck admires the most in his life, has watched and understood more about love than his parents or his partners ever taught him.

He has to lean in and kiss Hen on the forehead, finding his footing amidst all the adrenaline when he comes to the realization that she’s the one thing that hasn’t changed. She made gentle fun of him the second she saw him even if he was a total stranger, helped him despite her better judgment, and brought him closer to coming home. She smiles at him, hits him on the chin gently with her knuckles, and tells him, knowing. “Go home, Buckaroo.”

He almost doesn’t stop for his parents. They look at him the way he’s wanted to his entire life, soft and loving and with their arms raised prepared to keep him and embrace him as they’ve never done before. He doesn’t feel that pull towards them but he does give them his forgiveness, for himself more than anyone else.

He stopped holding a grudge a while ago without even realizing it. How could he not, with the family he’s built? Bobby and Athena, Maddie and Chim and Jee, Hen and Karen and-

Buck does stop for Christopher. He feels lighter, suddenly, almost knocks himself off his feet when he sees that toothy grin directed up at him like sunshine itself. He kneels on the ground and Chris falls into his arms like Buck was made to hold him, like there was always an empty space carved out inside of him he didn’t understand until Eddie brought his kid into Buck’s life, gave him to Buck like the most precious gift, like-

Like Eddie’s own heart. Like a declaration of something Buck hadn’t been ready to hear.

“Can we go home now?” Chris asks against his sweater, and Buck hides his face in his little curls that somehow still smell like fruity shampoo, a detail not even the most powerful lightning was able to scratch from his mind.

Like the memory of Eddie’s go get them, cowboy. Like the fundamental premise that even after someone loses their memory after a coma, they don’t forget how to breathe. Buck woke up confused and dizzy and knowing Eddie has his back, always.

“Yeah,” his laugh is wet as he kisses Chris’ hair, the same hair strangers have confused for Buck’s genes in this smart, wonderful firecracker of a little boy. And yeah. Yeah, yeah, of course.

He helped make Connor and Kameron’s kid, but that baby isn’t his. This one, in his arms, that he didn’t meet until he was 11 is, and Buck knows it like he knows the sky is blue and dirt is brown and he’s coming home to Eddie and Christopher Diaz whether his subconscious wants him to or not.

“Come on, buddy, let’s go home,” he draws back to smile at his kid, wiping his tears with his shoulder. “Let’s go get your dad.”

Chris’ laugh is bubbly, and when Buck starts to run again, he doesn’t follow him. That’s okay, Buck thinks. That’s okay, I’m coming. I’m coming, I’m coming, I’m coming-

Daniel says all the right things. If Buck hadn’t learned what he was supposed to in here he might’ve caved. He might’ve believed him and stayed in a world where his job didn’t threaten his life and his parents loved him and his sister’s smile was always slightly off and he didn’t know any of his friends and the parents that stepped up, his partner and their kid.

But Buck knows. He does know, he doesn’t need to have a life-altering accident to know that any world without his family is not worth it. Not for anything in the world.

Buck breaks the glass, and he breathes.

He breathes, and breathes, and breathes.

________

finished the ep and realized I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING MYSELF IN THIS HOUSE. hope you enjoyed!

read on ao3 / message me about commissions!

[littlespoonevan]

Buck/Eddie L. A stolen kiss from the prompt list😊

Anonymous asked: oooh, Buck/Eddie + L. A stolen kiss?

ahh this was a fun one to write!! thank you both for prompting it 💖

also @mellaithwen tagged me in seven sentence sunday and this is much more than seven sentences but it's also the last thing i wrote so akjsdhf enjoy!!!

-

The thing is, Eddie’s pretty useless in the mornings.

He knows how to function – he has to when he has a kid to feed and send off to school – and thanks to the army and his job he knows how to do so on very little sleep. But just because he knows how to function doesn’t mean he’s actually awake. The Eddie Diaz that exists before 8:30am exists exclusively on autopilot.

And that’s exactly the excuse he’s going to go to his grave with to explain why he does what he does on one fateful Friday morning.

Buck had stayed over the previous night, not for any reason other than the fact neither of them had really wanted him to go home after dinner.

(And like always, it had been easy to use Christopher as the scapegoat when he’d turned to Buck with hopeful eyes on his way to bed and asked, “Will you be here in the morning too?”)

The mornings somehow always seem to run that tiniest bit smoother with Buck there. He butters the toast while Eddie gets the coffee machine going and intermittently checks to make sure Christopher is actually getting ready and not just lazing on his bed like he’s taken to doing recently.

It’s not until they’re about to head out the door that Eddie temporarily loses his mind.

They’d lost track of time over breakfast, too busy discussing weekend plans – the zoo versus aquarium debate took a long time – which means he has to rush Christopher to brush his teeth so they can still leave on time.

“You take him to school,” Buck says, putting their dirty dishes in the sink while Eddie hovers around uselessly. “I can clean up here and meet you at the station.”

And it’s a small thing, really, because Carla wouldn’t actually mind tidying up the kitchen when she brings Chris home later but it’s the fact that Buck knows Eddie hates leaving a mess for her – knows he hates leaving a mess in general. So Eddie stills and asks a slightly awed, “Are you sure?” while slinging Christopher’s backpack over his shoulder.

Buck nods right as Chris yells, “Dad, I’m ready!” from the hallway and Eddie lets out a breath.

“Okay. Thanks. I’ll see you at work.” And then he promptly, rounds the kitchen table, presses a chaste kiss to Buck’s lips and darts out to the hallway to bustle Chris out the front door.

It isn’t until he’s sitting behind the wheel of his truck that he realises what he’s done.

“Oh my god.”

“Dad,” Chris huffs from the back. “What’s wrong? Won’t the car start?”

Eddie shakes his head, turning the key in the ignition and just about managing not to scream. “No, sorry, bud. I just got distracted there for a sec.”

Christopher gives a vague hum in reply, clearly not interested now that Eddie’s finally pulling out of the driveway. And it’s fine. Eddie’s completely fine except for the fact he just fucking kissed his best friend on the mouth like he was-

Like he’s-

Well.

Like they’re married.

Jesus Christ.

And now he has to go work a twenty-four hour shift with Buck.

Buck, who has never been able to let anything go in his life ever.

Buck, who will most certainly mock him for this for the rest of his life.

Maybe he’ll offer Eddie some courtesy by at least not mentioning it in front of Chimney.

God, what the fuck was he thinking?

He looks at the time on his dashboard and suppresses a groan.

It’s too early in the morning for this.

~

“And then I just kissed him.”

Karen’s laughter rebounds throughout his car and Eddie bangs his head on the steering wheel. He’s currently sitting in the parking lot outside the station. Buck’s jeep is already parked up next to his and Eddie is so not ready to face him yet.

“What were you thinking?!” Karen hiccups, still cackling while she waits for Eddie to reply.

“I don’t know!” he exclaims, dragging a hand down his face. “I wasn’t thinking at all. We were just doing our regular, normal routine. It just felt-“

“Normal?” Karen supplies and he doesn’t need to be in the same room with her to know what face she’s making. It’s the same face she makes when she looks at him over the rim of her wine glass with a faint, knowing smirk.

He hates that face.

“Shut up,” he mutters, slumping in his seat and looking in the direction of the truck bay. He’s really only got another two minutes before he’s officially late and Bobby will kick his ass if he finds out he’d just been lurking in the parking lot the whole time. “I know what you’re gonna say.”

“Then don’t make me say it,” she retorts. “Eddie. Do you want to know what I did this morning?”

He’s not quite sure what noise he makes in response but Karen clearly takes it as encouragement to continue.

“I made breakfast while my wife helped our kid get ready for school. And then we all sat down together and ate. And right before I left with Denny to take him to school, do you know what I did?”

“I hate you.”

“I kissed my wife goodbye,” she concludes, ignoring him completely. “See what I’m getting at?”

“I really hate you,” he repeats. Except he doesn’t. Because Karen is the confidant he never expected to have and probably his favourite person to text besides Buck.

“I’d ask you over for a wine night this weekend to unpack all of this but I think you’ll be otherwise engaged. I want updates though, Diaz. Don’t leave me hanging.”

He hums in agreement, looking at the time again. He really needs to get out of the car. “I can’t avoid him anymore. I need to head inside.”

“Good luck!” Karen calls and then she’s hanging up, leaving Eddie to deal with his fate alone.

Here goes nothing.

~

Eddie steels himself as he walks up the stairs to the loft. Everyone is milling around, moving between the dining table and the couches with plates of breakfast food or cups of coffee. No one immediately turns to point and laugh at him when he reaches the top step though so he assumes Buck hasn’t said anything yet.

Buck, who looks up like a deer caught in the headlights when Eddie glances in his direction.

They stare at each other for an indeterminable number of seconds and just as Buck opens his mouth to say something, the bell rings.

Eddie doesn’t know if it’s a blessing or a curse.

~

The rest of the morning is populated with back to back calls, leaving absolutely no room for Buck to confront him unless he intends to invite the entire firehouse into their business. Which- wouldn’t be the first time.

They work together as well as ever but every time their hands or shoulders brush Eddie thinks he might just about crawl out of his skin.

By the time they finally get back to the station and stay there, it’s long past lunch time. Bobby heads straight for the stairs, calling over his shoulder that he’s taken them offline for an hour so they can eat and clean up. (The last rescue was…messy.)

Eddie manages to sneak off to the shower before Buck can catch him. They’ve probably said all of ten words to each other between calls and he knows Buck is only going to let this go on for so long but he’d very much like to live in denial for as long as possible, thanks.

He thinks he’s in the clear when he’s out of the shower, assuming Buck’s still in there. It isn’t until he’s on his way to the laundry room to dump the towel he’d been using to dry his hair that he’s ambushed.

A hand grabs hold of his arm and then he’s being unceremoniously dragged behind the ladder truck.

Buck lets him go as soon as they’re both out of sight of the general firehouse, eyes wide and chest heaving with what can’t be exertion so must be…nerves?

“You haven’t talked to me all morning,” he says without preamble and Eddie tries not to cringe.

“I’ve spoken to you today,” he mutters, staring at the space on the floor between their shoes and twisting his towel from one hand to the other.

“’Pass the jaws, Buck,’ doesn’t count.” The exasperation in his voice is enough to make Eddie look up again and there’s something there behind his eyes. Something a little desperate. A little hopeful.

Taking a breath, he forces his voice to remain steady when he meets Buck’s gaze head on. “I didn’t do it on purpose.”

Buck’s expression shutters but recovers almost just as quickly. “What d’you mean?”

Eddie sighs. “I mean I did it without thinking! I was just- we were having breakfast and making weekend plans and- and I was getting Chris ready for school and you were cleaning the kitchen and it just. It felt…”

He doesn’t finish the sentence. Doesn’t know how he could. Because telling Karen and telling Buck are two completely different things.

Buck’s jaw works and Eddie can tell he’s deciding what to say, if he’s going to say what’s really on his mind or smile and shrug it off. Eddie’s not sure which he’d prefer right now.

Finally, after what feels like far too long, Buck takes one deliberate step forward, puts his hand on Eddie’s shoulder and leans in to brush their lips together.

It happens so fast Eddie doesn’t have time to react, save for the dazed way he looks at Buck when he pulls back.

“That was on purpose,” Buck says and Eddie-

Eddie laughs, heart beating wildly in his chest, and quickly drops his towel in favour of hauling Buck in for a real kiss. Buck grins against his mouth, hands curling over Eddie’s shoulders, and slowly backs them up against the side of the truck.

And they’ve got approximately twenty seconds before someone finds them and completely ruins the moment but for right now, Eddie wants to bask in this.

Because maybe it’s a feeling he’s always known without thinking about it but now that he’s allowed to think about it, now that he’s allowed to feel it on purpose, he thinks nothing could possibly feel better than being in love with Evan Buckley.

~

[alexandrianicolegrey-oc]

Eddie Diaz x Fem!reader

⚠️TW:⚠️ swearing, mentions of physical abuse, alcohol, drugs, mentions of abandonment

Angst, Physical Abuse, Healing/Trauma

Eddie finds out that Y/n's father is physically abusing her when she shows up to the station covered in fresh bruises, blood, and tears.

.......

For years, Y/n's father had been taking drugs and drinking his life way. And everytime he did, he would take his rage out on her. Leaving her broken, hurt, bloodied, and just scared. But, the day she met Eddie Diaz at the Santa Monica Pier when he was with his son, she would never forget it.

Fast forward a few years, Y/n and Eddie stated dating, and Christopher loved her as much as Eddie did. It was a mid morning, when Eddie got to work for his shift. Y/n was home alone when her father showed up. Angry that she had left him alone to fend for himself and he took his anger out on her, leaving her there to die.

After he left, she had blood dripping down the side of her face, she had a busted lip, her eye was bruised badly, and her nose was bleeding but she managed to get to the station somehow.

She limped her way inside, just as Hen came down the stairs and saw the shape she was in. "Oh my god!" She rushed over, catching Y/n in her arms before she fell. "Guys! I need help down here!" Hen called into the radio.

Bobby was the first to come down, followed by Buck, Chimney, and Eddie. Eddie's face froze when he saw his girlfriend beaten so badly. He rushed over. Bobby started to hold him back, "No!" He pushed his way to Y/n.

Eddie kneeled down, "Y/n? Who did this to you?" He asked, whe examining her face.

"M-my father. He-he came by after you left and beat me. He said-" She broke into sobs again. "He said it was my fault!" Eddie shook his head, "No, nothing is your fault. That drunk son of a bitch will pay for this."

"Eddie, let Athena handle this, I've called her and let her know what the situation is." Bobby said, coming back from taking a phone call from Athena.

"Y/n, follow the light for me." Hen asked sweetly. She followed the light or tried to at least. "Yeah, she has a concussion."

Buck helped Eddie get Y/n to the couch to rest. "Buck is going to stay here with you while we're out on calls. Alright? And if you need me for anything, Buck knows how to reach me." Eddie kissed her head softly. "Buck, here's some money if you or her get hungry." Eddie tried to hand money to Buck.

"No, keep it. I'll pay for the food if she gets hungry." Buck pushed Eddie's hand away.

"Thanks, man." Eddie said with a smile. He was still very much worried about Y/n. And the fact that he just found out about the abuse, he was not happy. But he wasn't mad at her. He was mad at the low life that called himself a father.

Later that day, Eddie just got off his shift, he took Y/n home and got her settled into their bed. He brought her dinner that he made for the three of them. Him, her, and Chris. He laid beside her. "How long has he been hurting you? And be honest with me." Eddie said calmly and softly.

Y/n looked up at him, her eyes filled with sadness and fear which Eddie could see. "Ever since my mother left and never came back. I was three then. He started drinking heavily and got into drugs. Meth, weed, cocaine. You name it. And he became more violent towards me. He blamed me for my mom leaving us. He then started beating me everyday of my life." Her small voice broke Eddie's heart to hear her say it.

"He will never touch you again. Athena tracked him down and he is now locked away." Eddie kissed her head. "You are safe with me and-"

"Me!" Chris had come into the room. He softly yet gentally climbed into the bed between his father and Y/n.

"Yeah, what my son said." Eddie laughed. Y/n smiled and chuckled. "You two are something." Y/n laughed. "That's why I love you both."

After awhile, Eddie, Chris, and Y/n all fell asleep after a long, tiring day. But during the night, Y/n woke up from a pounding headache which had her crying. Eddie heard her and quickly got up, which woke up Chris.

"Dad? What's going on?" Chris rubbed his sleepy eyes.

"Its Y/n." He rushed to her side. "Hey, hey, what's going on, baby, talk to me." Eddie said soothingly.

"M-my head hurts so bad." Tears streamed her face. "Come here." Eddie helped her back into the bed. He handed her the pain meds and handed her a bottle water. After she drank it, she became sleepy.

Eddie climbed back into bed with Chris asleep against him and Y/n, who also had fallen back to sleep not long after.

Eddie never went back to sleep. He stayed awake making sure Y/n was alright. It didn't bother him because he was used to staying up all night when working 24 hour shifts.

The next morning, Eddie cooked breakfast while Chris and Y/n were still asleep. He heard a knock and walked over to a answer the door. "Buck, hey, come in." He stepped aside as Buck walked in. "How's Y/n?" He asked, standing with his hands in his pockets.

"She had a rough night. Her head hurt her a lot. I set up a doctor's appointment for her with the neurologist to see if anything else is wrong with her head. She just fell asleep early this morning after the pain med I gave her."

"I take it you didn't much sleep either?" He noticed the burnt toast. "Let me help, Eddie." Buck offered. Eddie stepped aside, too tired to argue. "Alright, I'm going to get Chris up and check on Y/n." He headed off to their room that they shared. He saw Chris asleep against Y/n with her arm around him.

He smiled, and quickly took a few pictures then decided to let them sleep longer. He showed Buck. "Awe, your son really does love her, huh?" He smiled that goofy smile.

"Yeah, he really does. He called her mom the other day when we were out getting lunch but she doesn't know it yet. I told him to wait until I asked her to marry me which will be on her birthday in a few weeks." Eddie smiled.

"Wow, I'm happy for you, man. Really proud too. Keep me posted on what they say about her head." Buck just put the plates on the table along with silverware. "Breakfast is done." Buck shouted, proudly.

Chris came into the kitchen shortly after, followed by Y/n. Eddie kissed her cheek. "How are you feeling, baby?" He asked.

"I feel a little bit better, still sore." Y/n smiled over at her boyfriend. He helped her sit down and handed her a plate of food. "Are you staying for breakfast, Buck?" Eddie asked.

"I can, yeah." He sat down, after getting a plate for himself. Chris was just eating away his food. Eddie watched Y/n carefully, making sure she was alright. He was still worried but didn't want to overstep her boundaries.

[datleggy]

Buddie prompt: aggressively pro-buddie Helena and Ramon Diaz, who are ecstatic when Eddie tells them he's dating, and then utterly befuddled when he introduces Ana. But they decide to bite their tongues about it (Buck, their future son in law, has talked to them about respecting Eddie's decisions, however dumb, after all), until Ana (unwittingly? Innocently? No matter) makes a comment about Buck, and then all bets are off.

Hope this inspires you!

Helena is so relieved that Eddie finally feels comfortable enough to come out to them, that she could cry. She feels awful that it took her so long to realize it. 

It had been on Eddie’s last visit to Texas, when he and his crew had been fighting wildfires, that Ramon--her dense as can be when it comes to matters of the heart husband of all people--had noticed that their son was in love. 

Helena still remembers saying goodbye to her son and his two teammates, remembers Ramon closing the door, waiting exactly all of five seconds before turning to her and saying, “I’m happy for him. He’s so stubborn, I didn’t know if he’d ever let himself get that close to someone again.” 

And Helena had been confused at first, and then even chuckled when Ramon had explained calmly that clearly their son was dating his coworker Buck, until she’d stopped to really give it a moment’s thought. It had hit her all at once, how obvious those two were, and she couldn’t help but wonder how long it had been since they’d started dating and why Eddie hadn’t said anything yet. 

She’s seen the photos on Instagram, Helena thinks, as their plane lands. Buck smiling next to her grandbaby after helping her son build him a skateboard he could safely ride in the park. Buck standing shoulder to shoulder with Eddie behind Tia and Christopher in that Christmas photo at the station. The selfie Eddie posted of him and Buck with the giant cast still on his leg the day of the ceremony for when he was no longer a probationary firefighter with the 118. 

Really, she should’ve figured it out months ago. 

When Eddie had called and told her he’d started dating again and that the next time they came to visit he’d make an introduction Helena had been thrilled! 

Ramon drives them from the airport to their son’s place in their rental and Helena rambles on about how she hopes Buck isn’t too nervous to see them again, now that the cat’s out of the bag. 

When they arrive Eddie greets them at the door with a big hug and ushers his parents inside and Helena is so ready to step into the living room and welcome Buck into the family with open arms, to show her son that there was nothing to be afraid of, that they love him and nothing in the world would change that--

Only to be met with....not Buck? 

“Oh,” Helena stops dead in her tracks and Ramon stands beside her looking about as confused as she feels. “Hello.” she smiles politely enough. 

The woman sitting next to Christopher on the couch stands up and she’s absolutely stunning, her curls bouncing on her shoulders when she stands up to exchange hello’s. “It’s so nice to meet you both. My name is Ana.” 

The rest of the afternoon goes by just fine, but Eddie can tell something is amiss the entire time, though he does a good job of hiding it from Ana, who’s her usual charming self through out lunch. 

She has to take a work call at some point and excuses herself to another room and that’s when Eddie turns to his parents and half-whispers. “Ok, I know those looks. What’s wrong?” 

Helena shakes her head, feigning ignorance. “I don’t know what you mean.” 

Eddie sighs, rolling his eyes. “Seriously, what is it? Ana is perfect. She’s incredibly smart, she’s funny, she’s got a great job, good head on her shoulders, and Christopher loves her--so again, I ask, what’s wrong?” 

Ramon follows his wife’s lead. “Mijo, really, it’s nothing. She’s great. We’re happy for you. I think we’re just a little tired from the flight, that’s all.” 

Eddie narrows his eyes slightly but decides there isn’t much sleuthing that can be done at the moment, so all he can do is take them at their word for now. “Fine, if you say so.” 

They’re in the middle of watching Nemo when Buck's name comes up.

"When the tsunami happened Buck and I sang 'just keep swimming' like Dory." Christopher grins up at his dad and Eddie ruffles the curls on his head playfully. It helps Christopher to be able to openly talk about what he went through that day, the good and the bad.

"You never told me Buck was there that day." Ana comments off handedly.

Eddie nods, "Huh, I thought I mentioned it? Buck took him to the pier that morning."

"It was scary but Buck saved me." Christopher tells his grandma, who reaches across the couch to squeeze his arm. Helena had been horrified to hear what had happened at the time; it still gives her anxiety just thinking about it.

"That's right." She says softly.

"I thought some woman you didn't know carried him to one of the tents, and that's how you two were reunited, no?" Ana asks.

"Yeah, but before that, during the initial impact Buck was with Christopher, he managed to get him up to this firetruck in the middle of everything. It was after he dove back into the water to save someone that a second wave came and swept Christopher right off and they got separated from there." Eddie recalls solemnly.

There had been blood running down the dirty wet bandage on his arm, he'd been soaked to the bone, exhausted and barely standing upright. It wasn't until Christopher had been found that Buck had allowed himself to collapse.

"Oh..." Ana frowns.

Ramon puts a hand over his heart and sighs. "It's a miracle, really."

Ana doesn't mean to say it outloud, but the words comes tumbling out of her mouth without warning. "And you're still friends with him?"

Eddie blinks. "What?"

"I'm sorry, really, it's just--I don't understand." Ana rubs her shoulder self consciously, fully aware of the fact that everyone is looking at her. "Look, Edmundo, you nearly bit my head off when Christopher got a skinned knee under my watch but you're still best friends with the man who lost your son for God only knows how long? It doesn't make any sense to me."

Ana knows how overprotective Eddie is of his son, and in fact, that's one of the reasons she likes him so much; she admires that about him and this? It doesn't track with the man she knows.

Helena wants to open her mouth and she say something in defense of Buck--he's a good man, after all. But she knows better than to get between a couple in an argument, especially given how bias she is towards her future son in law...

Instead, she clears her throat and looks at Christopher, "Honey, how about you help me and Grandpa unpack? I bought a lot of fun things from Texas for you."

Christopher doesn't want to go. His Dad looks upset. Ana looks upset. He wants to stay and help. If Ana met Buck she would understand, Christopher's sure of it. But his grandparents are already leading him down the hall and to the guest room.

Christopher hangs out with his grandparents for a few minutes before fibbing and telling them he needs to use the bathroom. They both offer to help him but he insists that he can do it himself, promising to call out if he needs them.

He sneaks the home phone into the bathroom with him and dials a number he knows by heart at this point. He waits a couple of rings before the call connects.

"Hey, what's up?" Buck's voice comes through the other end. He sounds distracted.

"Bucky? Can you come get me?" He whispers into the phone.

He hears a small commotion and then a stifled 'ow!' and then: "Chris? Are you ok? You're home, right? What's wrong? Where's Eddie?"

"I'm home. I'm ok. But--" there's a knock on the door and it startles Christopher into accidentally hanging up the phone before he can explain the situation in it's entirety.

"It was a tsunami." Eddie sighs, "It wouldn't be fair to hold something like that over his head. And look, you weren't there. You didn't see the look on his face, you don't know how many hours he spent crying out Christopher's name at the top of his lungs, injured and looking nonstop through the rubble for him--"

"Yeah, which he wouldn't have had to do if he hadn't lost him in the first place. It sounds like he was too busy playing hero for strangers to watch your son." Ana folds her arms across her chest. "I don't want to fight. Especially not with your parents here. Honestly, I'm just confused? We don't have to talk about this right now. I can go. I just want to apologize to your parents and Christopher first, before I leave, for," she sighs, embarrassed, "well, for causing a scene. This is not the way I'd pictured meeting your parents."

"You know, if you just met Buck I really think you would--"

A cacophony of knocks at the door make the both of them jump. Ana looks at Eddie. "Were you expecting anyone else?"

"Christopher!? Christopher I'm here, open up!"

Eddie gapes. "...Buck?"

"Did you...call him over?" Ana didn't even see him reach for his phone.

"What? No, of course not." Eddie starts towards the door--the knocking has gotten so boisterous he's pretty sure Buck's about to break down his door--but Ana beats him to it.

At this point Eddie's parents and Christopher are in the hallway wondering what all that racket is.

Ana lets the door swing open, and if she's being entirely honest she's not sure what she's planning on saying to the man who's essentially at the center of her first real argument with her boyfriend, but whatever it was, it goes up in smoke when she takes in the sight of him.

Buck is taller than she'd pictured but that's not what's got her speechless.

He's standing at the doorway, chest heaving, clearly having rushed out of his house, where he was very obviously in the middle of shaving, if the shaving cream still smeared on a third of his face is any indication. He's in sweatpants and a white undershirt that's got little drops of blood on the front from where he must have cut himself while shaving. There's a bright red cut running down the underside of his chin.

"Um." Ana can't do much except stare, wide eyed.

Buck blinks at her, "Uh...Ana?" He suddenly realizes all the people in the house behind her are looking at him in a kind of stupor.

She nods slowly. "Buck?"

Buck nods sheepishly, "Uh... So, I am clearly interrupting something here."

"You came!" Christopher moves past all of the adults in the corridor and throws himself at Buck's legs.

Buck lifts the kid up easily enough, crutches and all, "Yeah, about that," he gently pinches his cheek, eliciting a giggle out of Christopher, "What was that phone call all about? You nearly gave me a heart attack, bud."

Eddie groans. "Christopher, did you call Buck to come all the way over here in the middle of the day?" He walks over and uses the cuff of his shirt sleeve to wipe away the rest of the shaving cream on the side of Buck's face. The look on his face is fond as he does so. "What did this little menace say to get you over here in such a rush?"

Christopher pouts. "I just told him to come get me. I thought if Miss Ana met my Bucky she'd know how come you're still best friends." He grips at Buck's t shirt tightly. "You can't stop being friends, Dad. I love Buck. He's my friend too."

Buck frowns. "Umm..."

Eddie gives him an apologetic look. "Sorry, it's not--it's complicated. I promise to explain everything later. Right now isn't really a great time--"

Ana interrupts hesitantly. "Actually, now is probably good. I need to get home soon, it's getting pretty late, so I should get going." She turns to Helena and Ramon. "It was very nice to meet you both." She scoohches past Buck and Christopher and practically sprints to where she parked her car, aware of the fact that Eddie is calling out her name and only half a step behind her.

It's not until they're several blocks down the street that she swivels around and he nearly topples into her in his haste. "Ana, please, I don't want you to leave like this. I really didn't call him over." He reaches into his back pocket and shows her his phone. "See?"

Ana takes the phone and presses her lips together thinly. "He called you like twenty times on his way over."

Eddie frowns. His phone must have been on silent. It's no wonder Buck rushed over like he did. "He was just worried about Christopher--"

Ana sighs resignedly. "No, I know. It's obvious, how much your best friend cares about your son. I can see why he's still in your life. And I think I can also see why that means you don't really have any room for me in it..."

Eddie shakes his head. "What? Why would you say that?"

Ana looks him in the eye, intent as can be on reading him. Eddie had smiled so warmly, creating such an unintentionally intimate moment when all he'd done was swipe at the other mans face with his sleeve...

"You don't even know, do you?"

"Know what?"

"I think this is something you and Buck need to sort out yourselves. Goodbye Edmundo."

Eddie closes the door behind him as he steps inside, a little heartbroken and a lot confused.

There's noise coming from the kitchen and so Eddie follows it to the source. Ramon is telling Buck about how to sear the perfect steak by the stove while Helena and Christopher set the table.

"Is everything alright?" Helena asks, when she notices him by the entryway.

Eddie nods, lying when he says. "Yeah, all good Mom."

She gives him a knowing look but keeps her mouth shut. "Honey, take Buck here to your room, let him borrow one of your shirts. And maybe a razor?"

Buck chuckles shyly. "It's fine, really. I should probably get going too--"

Ramon shushes him. "Nonsense. Go, go, get changed and get your butt back into this kitchen. Scoot."

Eddie takes Buck by the shoulders and drags him to his room, where he finds a worn gray Henley for him. "Here."

Buck thanks him before stripping out of his white undershirt and throwing on the clean shirt.

Eddie plops himself down on his bed with a sigh. "Hey, I'm sorry about all this mess. And on your one day off, too."

Buck sits down beside him, bumping their shoulders together. "I don't really know what's going on but, are you doing ok?"

"I don't know," Eddie makes a face. "I think I got broken up with today."

Buck cringes. "Shit, I'm sorry, what happened?"

That's a good question. Eddie ponders that a moment. Ana had said it herself: she understood perfectly why Eddie didn't blame Buck for what happened during the tsunami and she had seen first hand how much Buck cares for Christopher for herself today.

So, why?

"She said that there wasn't any room for her in my life?" Eddie scratches the back of his head. "Maybe I'm just not cut out for this dating stuff anymore."

"Aw, c'mon man," Buck pats him on the back. "You fall off the bike you gotta get right back on." He turns his body all the way around so that he's facing Eddie fully. "Dude, you're a catch. You're a handsome, badass firefighter, you've got the best kid, and hey--you got me." Buck grins toothily.

Eddie rolls his eyes, though he can't help but smile. "So what I'm hearing here is that I'm stuck with you?"

"Oh yeah, for sure." Buck laughs.

Eddie leans back on his arms and looks up at his best friend, pensive. "Promise?"

Buck extends his pinky and wiggles it in front of Eddie, who smiles as he wraps his pinky around Buck's. "Promise."

.

[boredfanwrites]

Buddie #1

There is not a bone in my body that can accept that in any other universe they wouldn't be perfect together. Post 4x14 so SPOILERS for that. This got so much longer than I thought it would be. Sorry in advance, there's much more under the cut.

· Eddie tells him about the will. Chris goes to Buck if anything happens to Eddie. Which it very nearly did.

· It causes Buck to actually stop and think things through before rushing into danger.

· The rest of the team question it while Eddie's recovering but he just says there's someone relying on him now.

· They take it to mean Taylor - well Chimney and Albert do, Hen and Bobby are more clued in.

· Buck talks about Eddie and Chris like he did when they quarantined together - like they're living together again.

· They are.

· Buck moved in to help Eddie and his recovery, with Ana stepping in when he was on shifts - even if she tended to undo everything Buck had done.

· He tells himself it's because she's not used to the way he and Eddie do things - yes that one singular bowl and plate live in the lower cupboard, it's so Eddie can reach them easily. Chris always picks the movie on movie nights, Eddie and Buck alternate when he's gone to bed.

· Eddie is stubborn as always, but has managed to allow Buck to help him dress and shower - Ana is very much not allowed, despite her protests they're barely in a relationship.

· Eddie explains to Buck that yes, they've been together for six months but they've not really been togetherand he quietly admits that he regrets telling Chris so soon.

· Buck calms him and says that it was right to introduce Chris to the idea of Eddie dating, but yeah, maybe it wasn't smart to spring Ana on him so early - especially because she decided she had to be a bigger part of his life now he was aware.

· Chris manages to get to the station once while Buck is on shift.

· Buck comes back to Albert making him pancakes and Chris scribbling with the things they keep for the school trips.

· 'What are you doing here, bud? Does your dad know?'

· 'Kinda.'

· 'What does kinda mean here?'

· 'He knows I wanted to see you. I don't think he knows that I came here.'

· Albert quickly jumps in saying he's texted Eddie and he and Carla are on their way, it just happens that the rig got back before they got there.

· Buck sits down with Chris, leaning his head on his arms and looks at the picture. It's him, Eddie and Buck with Carla and her husband in the background.

· 'What's wrong, Chris?'

· 'Ana.'

· 'Ok, what did she do?'

· 'Tried to get me to bath before I ate and then said I had to do my homework before TV time.'

· 'Buddy, you always have to do your homework before TV time.'

· 'But she tried to help me.'

· 'Your dad and I try our best to help you. She's a teacher, she's better use than us.'

· 'No that's not it.'

· Chris has tears in his eyes and a death grip on his crayon.

· 'She told the poor boy his handwriting was ineligible and took his pencil, tried to get him to tell her the answers and that she would write them for him.' Carla sighs.

· She stands with her arms open and Chris runs into them. Eddie looms behind them, looking sad.

· Well, neutral really, but Buck knows his micro expressions well enough.

· After that Ana is banned from the house in the afternoons/evenings and Carla steps back in. The new problem is Ana turning up when Buck has days off - their schedule was she was here when Buck wasn't, for multiple reasons.

· Ana's great, there's just something about her that Buck doesn't like and she definitely doesn't like Buck. Maybe it's because they're just opposites.

· Eddie tries to gently tell her that he barely gets to see Buck anymore and he needs it for his mental health. Ana starts pestering about the fact that he should want to see his girlfriend more than his best friend.

· It's one of their biggest fights and turns into a screaming match one night (Chris is at Hen's with Denny but Buck is hiding away in the guest room) where Eddie shouts that she had decided that she was his girlfriend without asking Eddie if that was what he wanted and she was suffocating.

· She leaves pretty quickly after that and Buck is incredibly happy as their paths never cross again.

· There's an emptiness settling in his chest when he finds out that the two are still together and are treating the relationship as though they're just dating again. He hates that he really doesn't like the idea that it's working out now that they're on even footing.

· He decides to push it away and starts getting reckless again. Taylor's hanging around the station more like she wants more from Buck, but he'd given up. She liked being chased and now that he's tired of it, she wants him. He knows she'll get bored if he shows interest again.

· It's interest he doesn't have. Eddie had called him Evan and told him he deserved more. How was he supposed to go back to normal after that?

· Why doesn't Eddie see how life changing that was?

· Eddie does. But in typical Eddie fashion, he pushes it deep down and replaces it with his content being with Ana. She makes his parents happy, which makes him happy. She gets along with Pepa and Isabel and his sisters, but they act a lot more familial with Buck.

· It makes sense, he tells himself - they've had years with Buck.

· Nothing really changes for Buck until TK and Judd find themselves in LA. Buck hastily explains to TK that he wasn't asking him out back in Austin, he just wanted a friend and really he wasn't attracted to guys.

· TK just straight up laughs at Buck.

· 'Buckley, you checked me, Carlos, and the barista out in the span of like five minutes. You're a little attracted to guys.'

· 'Wait, you mean you and Diaz ain't datin'?'

· Judd's question throws Buck through a loop.

· 'What? No...we're just...we're friends. Best friends.'

· TK laughs again, patting Buck on the shoulder.

· Once they're on their last day, TK takes Buck out for a drink like he'd promised. Buck tries to ignore the fact he's brought him to a gay bar.

· He gets hit on at least three times in an hour, not to mention the building collection of beers for both him and TK and he decides he doesn't actually mind it.

· 'Ok, I want you to do something for me. Scan the crowd and pick a guy, any guy, and tell me what you find attractive about him.'

· Buck picks out a shorter man, tanned skin and dark hair.

· 'He's got a cute smile.'

· 'Oh boy, you have a type.'

· 'Huh?'

· 'He looks like Eddie.'

· And he does. Like a Walmart version of Eddie though. He didn't laugh like Eddie, didn't have the same laugh lines. Or frown lines. His eyes weren't as warm when he met Buck's nor did he smile as fondly. And...

· 'Fuck.'

· 'You just now realizing your feelings for him?'

· 'Yeah. How did I not know?'

· 'Honestly, it was probably such a subtle shift. From what you've told me you've basically been a couple for a year and a half, so you didn't realize anything had changed for you.'

· 'I've never denied it.'

· 'I mean you clearly must have.'

· 'No. I meant that there have been so many times people assumed Eddie and I were a couple and I never denied it, I went along with it all.'

· 'Shit man, you had it bad before you even realized.'

· Buck groans as TK throws an arm around him, leaning against his shoulder.

· Things change after that. Buck is hesitant with physical touch with Eddie - it's his main love language and he needs to make sure he's not overdoing it and making Eddie uncomfortable.

· Eddie notices because of course, he does. Buck has pulled away from him for seemingly no reason. The second Eddie can dress, shower, and reach the high cabinets himself Buck is talking about going home.

· He is home.

· Eddie doesn't say it, he just hums, not really agreeing. He's gotten used to Buck being around and so has Chris. They'd easily fallen back into their quarantine routine and now Buck would be leaving again.

· A quick thought of getting shot again fills Eddie's head. Though this time it's nothing to do with his PTSD and more so that he doesn't want Buck to leave. So he exaggerates just a little.

· 'You know, my PTSD is still acting up. Maybe, you could stay until it balances out a little?'

· 'You'd want me to?'

· 'Yeah, you're great at getting me out and calming me and Christopher down.'

· 'You don't think Ana should start taking up some night shifts?'

· 'I don't really want her to deal with that side of me yet.'

· 'Okay.'

· 'Okay?'

· 'Yeah, I'll stay.'

· Eddie keeps an eye on Buck just as much as he keeps an eye on Eddie. He quickly realizes that Buck is holding in his own troubles. He knows from experience that Buck does not think his problems are anywhere near as bad as everyone else's. He has a lot of unlearning to do.

· Subtly, Eddie starts talking to him about his mental state, his worries, trying to let Buck know it's ok to do the same.

· When he and Ana inevitably break up not even a month later, it's Buck that he tells first.

· Buck, who has his back.

· Buck, who loves Christopher as his own.

· Buck, who is insecure about everything he does except saving people.

· Buck, who thinks he is unworthy and undeserving of love.

· Buck, who shows his love through acts of kindness and physical affection.

· Buck, who Eddie is so unapologetically in love with and probably has been for years.

· The revelation doesn't shock him like he thought it would. More so, it was a natural progression of their relationship.

· Friends. Best friends. Co-parents. Co-habiting. Partners. Partners.

· Eddie sees a future with Buck, a future he'd only ever seen with Shannon but it's so much brighter.

· He comes home from his first shift back - Buck wasn't working and offered to look after Christopher so Eddie knew he was safe - to find Buck on the couch, staring into an empty beer bottle.

· 'Hey?' it's broken and Eddie drops his things to rush over to him.

· 'You good?'

· 'No. I'm not.'

· Buck looks up, tears in his eyes, cheeks red and puffy.

· 'What's going on, Evan?'

· That's all it takes. He breaks. He babbles about watching Eddie die over and over in his dreams. How sometimes the shower will splash his face just so and he's thrown back with Eddie's blood on his face. How he was trying to get through it with Dr. Copeland but it wasn't helping.

· Nothing was helping.

· 'It's ok. I'm here, I'm okay.'

· 'You weren't. You died, Eds. You died on me.'

· 'You saved me.'

· 'What if I hadn't? I don't know a life without you anymore. I can't lose another person I love.'

· 'You love me?'

· 'Of course I do. Why wouldn't I?'

· Buck registers his words, quickly backing away from Eddie and tries to make a break for the open door. Eddie isn't letting him run away anymore. His wrist snakes around Buck's.

· 'Evan. I told you there wasn't anyone else I'd want to look after Christ. I told you you weren't expendable. I said that because I love you and you needed to hear it. You had to learn you deserved love. Love that Chris shows you. Love that I can show you. I love you so much, Evan Buckley.'

· Buck crumples in Eddie's arms, Eddie rocks him gently until the sobs subside.

· It's not an immediate or obvious change. There are still things the two need to work through.

· It's different but the same. There's more contact now; hugs, tactile hands on waists, and backs at work. Kisses in the bunk, soft and slow.

· It's new and exciting. Especially when they finally get together, officially and exclusively.

· Chris loves telling everyone about his two dads.

· Eddie and Buck are happier, closer.

· Buck had always been a Diaz. He'd always had a family who loved him. The big change was he got to love them both endlessly in return.

[thisissirius]

for @gracieli and the ladies of the discord *chef’s kiss*

i’ve only known you to keep your word buck/eddie, buck, eddie, chris, hurt/comfort, a little frottage, buck being lonely and eddie seeing and helping

Buck barely has time to sit down and attempt to handle the silence in his apartment when a key jams into the lock of his front door and it swings open.

Eddie comes into the apartment, two bags in hand, and beer in the other. “Get the door?”

Buck stares.

Eddie rolls his eyes. “Don’t worry, I’ll get it.”

When Eddie’s shut the door, Buck finds his voice. “What are you doing here?”

“Bringing food,” Eddie says, and Buck hears the duh even if he doesn’t say it. “Not that I’m cooking it. You are.” He flashes a smile.

Buck snorts, moving past his confusion and grabbing for the beer. “Maybe I wanna watch you fail.”

Eddie shrugs. “It’s your apartment. Also possibly your funeral.”

Saluting Eddie with his bottle, he goes to the cutlery drawer and grabs a bottle opener. “Why are you really here?”

There’s a long, drawn out silence where Eddie just stares at him. Buck feels uncomfortable under the scrutiny in ways he hasn’t before. It seems like ever since they came back from Texas, Eddie’s been—Buck doesn’t know how to explain it.

“Chris is at a sleepover,” Eddie says eventually. He makes a face. “You know how I feel about that.”

Buck does. Eddie’s only ever antsy and weird when Chris isn’t around. “Such a drama king,” he says.

“Whatever. We cooking or what?”

“Fine,” Buck says with a sigh, hip checking Eddie out of the way, ducking away from the elbow Eddie aims at his side. “Don’t beat up the person who’s saving you from food poisoning, Diaz.”

Eddie narrows his eyes, but he starts emptying out the bags. Spaghetti. He’s so transparent but Buck hides his smile by taking a pull of beer. Buck’s spaghetti is Christopher’s favourite and Buck’s got no doubts Eddie’s brought enough ingredients for extra portions. Something like happiness blossoms in Buck’s chest and he covers it with a knowing smirk.

“Really?”

“Shut up,” Eddie grouses. “You try telling Chris we had spaghetti and didn’t save him any.”

“No thanks,” Buck says immediately. “I do not court death.”

It makes Eddie laugh, which is Buck’s aim, after all, and he grins his way through the meal prep. _______

Later, stomach full and the happiness a comfortable constant, Buck is stretched out on the couch, another bottle of beer resting against his hip, one arm tucked under his head. He is super conscious of one of his legs resting over Eddie’s lap, Eddie’s fingers circling his ankle.

“I don’t understand why they don’t just talk to each other.”

Eddie gives him a look. “It’s a movie, Buck.”

“So?” Buck watches as neither of the characters communicate. Again. “How hard is it to talk about your feelings?”

There’s a pointed silence.

“Whatever,” Buck grouses. “We have notable trauma, they don’t.”

“Noticeable trauma,” Eddie says, raising an eyebrow.

Buck kicks him with the leg that isn’t held hostage. “Be nice, Eddie, or you can go home.”

“You wouldn’t kick me out,” Eddie says with certainty.

Falling quiet, Buck turns back to the movie, but he’s not really watching it. Eddie’s not wrong. He wouldn’t kick Eddie out. Ever. Even in their worst moments, the only thing he wanted was for Eddie to come back, for them to be them again.

The movie finishes and Buck blinks. “Did I fall asleep?”

“Yeah,” Eddie says softly. He removes his hands from Buck’s ankle. Buck can still feel the phantom heat of his fingers. “Come on, time for bed.”

Buck frowns. “I was comfortable.”

“And we can be comfortable upstairs,” Eddie says, once again with the duh unspoken. “Up, Buckley, let’s go.”

Buck feels a little adrift as they walk up to his bedroom. Honestly, he’s been feeling that way most of the night and he doesn’t know how to make sense of what he’s feeling. Leaning against the balcony railing, he watches Eddie root through his drawers, grabbing sleep clothes. “Eddie—“

“Wash up,” Eddie tells him, tossing over the clothes.

Though the fight is on the tip of his tongue, Buck keeps it to himself. He realises he doesn’t want to argue and goes into the bathroom, closing the door behind him. He stares at himself in the mirror. The silence that usually crowds him in the evenings he’s alone is absent and there’s comfort in Eddie being a yell away. He relaxes, washing up and getting changed.

When he comes out, Eddie moves past him, a hand brushing his hip and Buck shivers. The touch feels deliberate and Buck’s thrown back over the last couple of hours. Everything Eddie’s done is just what Buck needs. It overwhelms him and he sits on the edge of the bed, not sure what happens next. Will Eddie get blankets and go downstairs? Worse, will he want to share a bed? What if he wants to talk—

“Buck,” Eddie says gently, resting a hand on Buck’s shoulder making him jump. “Sorry.”

“It’s alright,” Buck says, smiling softly. “Sorry.”

Eddie’s hand squeezes before it falls to his side. “Get in the bed.”

“Are you—”

“Come on,” Eddie says, and it could easily be an order, but for the tone. Buck doesn’t like being pushed around and it shows that Eddie knows that; he’s careful, gentle, and Buck nods, climbing into bed.

Buck rolls over, watches Eddie as he shuts off the light and charges his phone. Buck panics for a moment, before seeing his own on the nightstand. His heart picks up a beat, twop, and he’s holding his breath. Maybe if he doesn’t move this won’t stop being a dream. It still feels like one when Eddie reaches out, fingers sliding through the hair that’s soft against Buck’s forehead. “Sleep, Buck.”

Buck doesn’t know if he can.

“You save me from my nightmares,” Eddie says, with a self-deprecating smile.

I’ll save you from yours.

Buck closes his eyes and breathes out.

Buck’s not quite sure what to make of it..

_______

The next morning, Eddie burns breakfast (of course), abandons it (of course), and bundles himself and Buck in the truck to get breakfast—and to pick up Chris.

“Bucky!” Chris pokes his head into the car and grins.

Buck will never not love hanging out with Chris and he leans over the seat to give Chris a high five. “Sleepover okay?”

“Jamie’s got a hamster,” Chris starts.

“No,” Eddie says immediately, buckling his seatbelt.

Chris looks at Buck. Buck looks at Eddie.

“No,” Eddie says again.

Buck smiles at Chris and turns back around. They’ve got this.

_______

Two very full shifts later and Buck is sitting in the locker room, staring at his duffle. He doesn’t know if he’s got the energy to pack the rest of his shit in there and move, let alone drive home. His body aches, bruises starting to blossom from the fall he’d taken on a previous call, and he hisses as he stands.

The prospect of going home alone, tending to his hurts and sleeping in that bed all alone—Buck’s breath hitches and he closes his eyes, forehead pressed to the lockers.

There’s a rap on the glass and Buck whirls around, ready to put up the front, make out he’s okay, and deflates when he sees Eddie. Neither of them says anything for a moment, and then Eddie’s moving into the room, wordlessly packing the rest of Buck’s stuff into his bag. Buck doesn’t know where he gets his energy from. “Eddie.”

“You look like you’re gonna fall over,” Eddie says, frowning.

“Sorry,” Buck starts.

“Why?” Eddie looks up at him, surprised.

Buck sits on the bench again, cradling his ribs. They’re not broken, says Hen and Chim both, but they still hurt like a bitch. “Give me a minute and I’ll be good to go. You should go ome to Chris.”

“That’s not happening,” Eddie says. “I mean alone,” he amends, interpreting Buck’s expression correctly. “You’re coming with me.”

“Eddie—”

“Don’t argue with me.” Eddie straightens up, Buck’s bag on one shoulder, his on the other. “You alright to move?”

Buck nods, gives himself a minute to breathe in and out slowly, then pushes himself to his feet. He winces when his ribs twinge. “You can drop me off, it’s fine.”

Eddie stops them, hand on Buck’s arm. His thumb is resting against Buck’s pulse point and Buck wonders, a touch hysterically, if he can feel it racing. “You’re coming home with me,” he says again, gentler this time. “You’re always allowed to ask me for help.”

Breath catching in his throat, Buck doesn’t know how to answer that. Eddie swipes his thumb once across the skin of Buck’s wrist then lets go.

“I’ll tell Chris not to jump on you,” Eddie tells him as they head out of the station. “He’s still banned from video games, so you’ll have to entertain him some other way.”

“It’s not like we haven’t had to before,” Buck says, falling into the banter with ease. “At least this time it’s a deserved punishment and not his dad being a technophobe.”

Eddie glares at him over the top of the truck. “Hildy was watching me! She sees it all!”

Buck laughs, wincing as he slides into the passenger set, but the pain is worth it. Eddie helps with the seatbelt, which would be humiliating if Buck wasn’t used to this. “Does Chris know I’m coming?”

“Nope,” Eddie says, putting the truck in reverse. “Carla would kill me for one. Secondly, I’d hate to ruin the surprise.”

Eddie’s smile is fond and Buck can’t help but match it, relaxing back against the seat. He can’t wait to walk through that door and let Chris fill all the spaces that have grown in him since the last time. It always feels like coming home. Buck closes his eyes, pushes down the feeling. Chris isn’t his and he should remember that.

“You still with me?”

Buck opens his eyes, head turning to look at Eddie. Eddie spares him a glance, then looks back at the road. “I’m not gonna be good company,” he tries again. If he brings Chris and Eddie down with his mood, he’ll never forgive himself.

“You think I was after the well?” Eddie huffs out a laugh. “Please, Buck, we’ll ply you with painkillers, Chris can talk your ear off about whatever it is you two get excited about, then we’ll go to sleep. It’s not that hard.”

“I could have done that at home.”

“Yes,” Eddie allows, Buck fascinated with how soft his touch when the steering wheel slides through his fingers. Why is everything about Eddie so gentle? “But I’d rather you be somewhere I can keep an eye on you.”

The words signal exasperation, but the tone is fond, the smile on Eddie’s face soft. Buck so often feels like a burden but Eddie’s acting like he isn’t. That this is something he wants to do, help Buck and make him—

“Fuck.”

“Hey,” Eddie says, sounding worried. “Are you crying?”

“No,” Buck bites out, swiping at his face with the hand not pressed to his ribs. “Please keep driving.”

Eddie does, thankfully, and Buck grits his teeth against the urge to keep crying. “I’m sorry.”

It’s Buck’s turn to be confused. “Why?”

“If you’re crying because someone wants to take care of you, I’ve been a shitty best friend.”

_______

The words are still rattling around Buck’s head when it comes time for bed.

Chris is already tucked in, having dragged a story from both Buck and Eddie, and Eddie’s been putting stuff away in the kitchen, talking in low tones to Buck through the door. Buck’s been half paying attention, his mind still on the conversation in the car.

When Eddie steps back into the room, wiping his hands on the back of his jeans, he gives Buck a smile. “Ready for bed?”

“Yeah,” Buck says. “Toss some blankets, yeah?”

“As if,” Eddie says without hesitation. “No way are you taking the couch with those ribs.”

“Eddie,” Buck says. Eddie pauses at whatever he hears in Buck’s tone. Buck’s not sure how he sounds, barely knows how he feels. “What you said in the truck—”

There’s no judgement, no embarrassment. “Yeah?”

Buck opens his mouth, closes it. “You haven’t been a shitty best friend.”

“I have,” Eddie presses. Then, with a sigh, “sometimes.”

“So have I.” Buck groans as he rights himself, grateful when Eddie holds out a hand and takes most of his weight to help him stand. “I don’t know how to accept it. Someone taking care of me.”

Eddie nods. Buck doesn’t know how he always gets it, how he knows Buck so well when Buck barely knows what’s happening inside of his own head. Eddie’s hands are on his hips and he tugs a little, careful so that Buck doesn’t stumble, and drags him into a hug. Buck lets out a shaky breath, turns his face into Eddie’s neck. The angle would be awkward but for his stoop and he lets himself take the comfort Eddie’s offering.

“I know,” Eddie says quietly, a kiss ghosting over Buck’s temple. “You will.”

_______

Over the following two days, Buck’s body mends and he’s able to move without wanting to punch himself in the face. He spends the time dicking around on his phone—having a photo off with Marjan about which one of them is more internet famous—and letting Chris talk him into playing almost his entire catalogue of video games.

Eddie’s a silent presence in the background. He disappears for work, leaving Carla in charge, and she spends most of the time feeding Buck, berating him for not looking after himself, and throwing him knowing looks. Buck doesn’t know what she’s getting at. When Eddie comes home, he manages to put together a good dinner (Buck finds the takeout containers in the trash), settle down with them in front of the TV and throw an arm over Buck’s shoulders, squeeze against him even when there’s space, and on the second night, when they’re an hour into the movie, Buck can feel Eddie’s fingers playing with his hair.

It startles him, but he does his best not to react. Relaxing back against Eddie’s arm, he catches the small quirk of a smile playing at Eddie’s mouth and complains about something in the movie. Chris interjects, Buck only tangentially paying attention, because Eddie’s fingers are scratching lightly at his scalp.

“Gross,” Eddie says, wrinkling his nose. Buck can agree; there’s way too much blood for a movie Chris can watch, but he doesn’t answer. He can feel himself relaxing further, embarrassed when he pushes into Eddie’s fingers. Thankfully, Eddie doesn’t seem to notice. Except then, on the next pass, he scratches a little lighter. The sensation has Buck shivering and he swallows down the noise in his throat.

Reaching over, he rests a hand on Eddie’s leg and squeezes. Eddie looks at him, picking up on Buck’s silent cues, and nods. He keeps his hand in Buck’s hair, but contends himself with running his fingers through it instead of scratching. Buck breathes out, shaky, but doesn’t tense up again.

“Work tomorrow,” Eddie says, his voice pitched low. Chris is still watching the movie, working his way through a packet of candy Buck’s surprised Eddie let him have.

Buck nods. “Can’t wait. I feel like I’ve put on five pounds in two days.”

“Now who’s dramatic.” Eddie shakes his head. “Not that you’re wrong; Carla’s cooking does have that effect. So good.”

“Anyone’s would be,” Buck says, smirking, “compared to yours.”

Eddie glares, but he huffs, looking back at the TV. “Rude.”

“Not wrong,” Buck says lightly, sing-song, watching Chris out of the corner of his eye. Either Chris is doing a very good job of pointedly ignoring them (something he’s practised at), or they’re managing to keep their tone low. When Eddie doesn’t reply, he pouts. “I’m injured.”

“You were,” Eddie corrects, but he’s smiling. “All the rope rescues for you tomorrow.”

Buck pauses. “You’re not going to fight me for them?”

Looking nonchalant, Eddie shrugs. “Consider it a gift to you.”

You’re my gift.

The words get trapped somewhere in Buck’s throat. He can’t stop staring at Eddie. It almost feels like a relief when the movie finishes, and Eddie starts making noises about sleeping. Again, Buck finds himself being tugged in the direction of Eddie’s bed, even when the couch will suffice, but it feels not unlike the tsunami; Buck drowning, being pulled in different directions, but this time Eddie’s there; a guide, an anchor, when Buck feels most adrift.

_______

Days pass into weeks.

Buck’s in his truck, on the way back to his apartment, and he’s startled by the wrongness of it. He can’t remember the last time he spent the night in his own home. Turning into the parking lot, he sits behind the wheel, knuckles white as he grips it, staring at the window of his apartment.

Not that he wants to hang around Eddie like dead weight. He’d dashed out of the locker room, a yell over his shoulder that he was late to pick up Chris. Not that buck expects them to hang out after work or anything, but ever since—well, since Texas, Eddie’s not been far.

Angry at himself, he grabs his duffel from the back seat and heads into the apartment building, fighting the lead weight settling in his stomach. It’s his fucking home! Just because Eddie doesn’t mind him hanging out with him and Chris, Buck needs to get a grip. He’s not part of their family and he needs to stop. Maybe go out, find someone to—

His phone rings shrilly through his thoughts and he grabs it, answering it with a harsh, “What?”

A pause. “Where are you?”

“At my apartment,” Buck snaps. “You remember? That place I live.”

Eddie’s quiet on the other end of the phone and Buck grips the edge of the counter, closing his eyes, opening his mouth to apologise. Eddie talks first, his tone soft. “I remember.”

“I’m sorry,” Buck blurts out. He presses his hand to his eyes. “I think the shift must have got to me. “

“You sure you’re alright?”

No. Buck nods. “Yeah.”

A hum. Eddie’s voice is still quiet when he says, “alright. See you tomorrow.”

When the dial tone rings in his ear, Buck lets the phone slide out of his hands, hitting the counter and sliding away from him. Buck swallows once, twice, feels the burn of tears in his eyes. He doesn’t understand what’s happening. He doesn’t realise he’s slid down to the floor until he feels the cold beneath his butt, his head falling back to rest against the island. Time slides away from him and he breathes slowly, trying to focus on the here and now, even if it’s the last place he wants to be.

“Buck?”

Buck’s breathing sounds too loud.

“Head up, Buck, come on.”

Eddie, Buck’s brain helpfully supplies. He blinks, stares up into Eddie’s face.

“There you are,” Eddie says, voice soft. “You with me?”

“Eddie?” Buck says, his voice scratchy.

Eddie nods, his arms on Buck’s. He tugs gently, helping Buck up off the floor. Buck lets himself be led, unsurprised when Eddie pushes him down onto the couch. There’s a glass of water on the coffee table, a blanket against the arm.

Buck stares, wonders if there’s an echo when he says, “Eddie,” again.

“I’m here,” Eddie says, and Buck’s sure this isn’t real, that he’s gone mad. “Not mad,” Eddie says, “just lonely.”

The word catches in Buck’s ribcage, feels like a knife. “I don’t like being alone.”

Eddie sits next to him on the couch, turning sideways, knee pressed to Buck’s thigh. “I know.”

“I hate it,” Buck continues, staring around the room, at the cold whiteness of everything. He’s tried to make it a home, put stuff up, kept some of the drawings Chris does for him, photos hung on the walls. It doesn’t feel like anything. Not the way Eddie’s does when he walks through the door. The smell, the sounds, the comfort of Chris laughing, of Eddie grousing about something.

Buck’s chest feels tight.

“Buck,” Eddie says, his tone hard. “Look at me.”

Buck does.

“That’s it.” Eddie’s tone shifts back into soft and he reaches over, pulls Buck closer to him. Buck tenses up but Eddie doesn’t let go. He keeps talking, the words washing over Buck like a balm. “You never ask for help. I know I don’t either. We’ve both got—what did you call it, notable trauma?”

It’s funny, but Buck doesn’t laugh. He starts to relax, hand fisting in Eddie’s shirt.

“You’re lonely,” Eddie says, not that Buck needs the reminder. “But you’re not alone.”

Buck clenches his eyes shut, letting out a shaky breath.

“You hear me?” Eddie says again, burying his face in Buck’s hair. They shift around a little until it’s comfortable, Buck pressed against Eddie, the two of them stretched out on Buck’s couch.

“Chris,” Buck says, panicked. If Eddie’s here then who’s got Chris?

“He’s with Hen and Karen.” Eddie’s fingers are on the back of Buck’s neck, grounding him. “He’s safe.”

Okay. Chris is safe. Buck’s not alone.

“Eddie,” he says, hating himself for this weakness but unable to keep from saying, “I don’t wanna be alone.”

Eddie sucks in a breath, lets it out. He sounds wrecked. “I know. You’re not, I promise.”

Buck shakes his head. “I am. When you go home. When everyone—I’m alone. Abby left and Ali and I’m alone.” The word spill out of him, water running over him, drowning him, holding him fast. “My parents left me alone. Maddie. You.” Eddie’s breath hitches. “Why doesn’t anyone stay?”

Arms tightening, Eddie drags him up, mouth pressed to his forehead, breath hot against Buck’s face. “Not anymore, you understand me?”

Buck wants to believe it. Eddie’s been here, all this time, taking care of Buck. Dr. Copeland says he can accept it for what it is; Eddie caring. Buck wants to, but he doesn’t know how.

“It’s okay,” Eddie says, watching him carefully.

“What is?”

“That you don’t believe me.” Eddie says it so matter of fact and though Buck wants to deny it, he can’t make himself say it. Eddie’s thumb rubs over his cheek. Is Buck crying again? “I’ll show you.”

Buck doesn’t know what that means. “How?”

“If you don’t wanna be alone,” Eddie starts, cuts himself off. There’s pink on his cheeks, determination in his expression. “My bed is cold without you.”

“Mine is too big,” Buck blurts out.

“Alright,” Eddie says, even though Buck doesn’t know what he’s agreeing to. He curls into Eddie, emotionally wrung out, not sure where they go from here. Have they solved anything? Buck’s still going to be in this cold apartment and Eddie might want him around sometimes, but all the time? Buck doesn’t know if Eddie likes him enough to—

Fingers scratch against his scalp.

Buck lets out a soft noise.

“I wasn’t sure,” Eddie says, words drifting softly into Buck’s ear where Eddie’s lips are pressed. “But you asked me to stop.”

“I didn’t know,” Buck says, shaky, groaning when Eddie’s nails scrape down the nape of his neck. He gets a hand between Eddie’s back and the couch, curls his fingers into the fabric of Eddie’s shirt. A henley. Yellow. Fuck, he looks so good.

Eddie whispers, “I know,” and adjusts his hips, slides further back and oh. Buck rocks his hips up, a little out of it because this is Eddie, and they’re on his couch, and he’s, he’s chasing— “That’s it.”

There’s a counterpoint; Eddie’s fingers in his hair, against his scalp, and his hips, the thick curve of his dick pressed to Buck’s.

“Eddie,” he manages to get out.

“You can have it,” Eddie grits out, dropping his free hand to Buck’s ass and dragging him up. Buck punches out a groan, body quivering as he his orgasm starts to build, pleasure pulsing at the base of his spine. Eddie’s breathing in his ear, there’s the rustle of fabric, and Buck can smell the fading scent of Eddie’s cologne.

“Please,” Buck bites out.

“Take it,” Eddie says, biting at the curve of Buck’s jaw. “You can have whatever want.”

Buck sobs out Eddie’s name as he grinds his hips down, lost in the sensations of Eddie’s hands, his voice, the pleasure cresting up and over, drowning out everything but Eddie, Eddie, Eddie.

_______

“You with me?”

Buck hums, craking open an eye. They’re still on the couch, his pants feel gross, but Eddie’s stroking a hand down his back so Buck can deal.

“Buck?”

“Yeah,” Buck says.

Eddie shifts a little, extricating himself enough to grab the water bottle. Buck makes a disgruntled noise, but can’t deny he’s thirsty. When Eddie’s satisfied he’s drunk enough, they settle back, Eddie’s hand drfiting through his hair. “Move in with me.”

Buck’s body tenses. “Eddie—”

“I’m asking,” Eddie says, and when Buck pulls back, he can see the apprehension on Eddie’s face. “Not telling. And no,” he adds, “it’s not pity.”

“I can get over it.”

Eddie doesn’t answer. He gestures for Buck to lie back down and after a momentary hesitation, Buck does, sinking against the lines of Eddie’s body. He’s lulled into comfort by the press of Eddie’s hands against his back and neck, the steady rhythm of Eddie’s chest rising and falling.

“Part of me thinks I’ll never be over Shannon,” Eddie says. Buck hardly dares breathe. “I’ve always thought I wasn’t good enough,” Eddie continues, burying his face in Buck’s hair. “And yet every time I look up, there you are. Still here.”

The words take a moment to resonate; Buck’s broken and splintered, but Eddie is too. Maybe their damaged parts match up, maybe they don’t. Somehow, they fit together anyway, and Eddie’s been here. He’s still here, Chris safe with friends because Buck needs him.

“I’ve never been a priority,” Buck rasps out.

“Yes you have,” Eddie says with a certainty that makes Buck wants to hold on and never let go. “You and Chris? You have to know you’re everything.”

Buck tightens his grip on Eddie. “I don’t know if I can do this.”

Eddie huffs a breath. “I know. Neither do I, sometimes, but I’m not letting you go, Buck.”

“Promise?”

Gentle pressure on Buck’s chin tilts his head up and he stares into Eddie’s eyes and Buck’s breath catches in his throat at the expression on Eddie’s face. “You have every part of me that doesn’t belong to Chris.”

When Eddie kisses him, Buck lets himself fall.

[half-bakedboy]

a place between up and down

Pairing: Evan “Buck” Buckley/Eddie Diaz Rated: General Contains spoilers and speculation for season 5. Please read tags on AO3. Summary: Buck's depression resurges after Eddie leaves the 118 and the only person who can help him feels like he's the cause of all of it. Buck learns to lean on the most important person in his life while Eddie learns to push away his own guilt in order for the two of them to find their middle ground.

read on ao3 or under the cut

“I’m leaving the 118.”

Even weeks later, Buck hears the words like slashes to his already tattered heart. He lies awake at night trying to figure out where he went wrong, what he could have done to keep Eddie. He has already lost so much; his parents, his sister, every relationship he somehow found himself in. He wasn’t ready for four words to break him.

But that’s what they did.

On the outside, he pretended he understood. He told Eddie that he had to do what was best for Christopher—and he meant that. He told Hen that he’d find his way with Ravi eventually, told Bobby that it wouldn’t impact the stone he had turned over after he had almost lost Eddie the first—well, previous time. He walks around the station with a smile on his face and his head held high when inside, all he wants to do is grab ahold of Eddie so that he has no choice but to come back.

He knows everyone can see it—the way he’s slowly slipping away, back to old habits he promised others and himself he would never fall back into. For his sake, they stay distant. He wishes they wouldn’t. He wishes Eddie wouldn’t. He wonders if it would be obvious to Eddie if they had the chance to see each other. He hopes that Eddie would be the first person to pull him back to the happiness he had started to create.

Sometimes Buck calls dispatch just to hear Eddie’s voice on the other end of the line. He thinks that maybe—just maybe—it’ll be enough for Eddie to realize that he’s back to rock bottom. But he’s terrified of Eddie actually knowing, the guilt that would cause. He would never wish for anything like that to happen to his best friend, especially because of his own fucked up brain.

He considers calling dispatch before he rests for the night, praying that the alarm doesn’t wake him from the little amount of sleep he might be able to get, but he doesn’t want to be a bother. Not to anyone, but especially, not to Eddie.

So he sleeps and wonders if he’ll ever feel better.

——————

He doesn’t. Call after call, he finds himself hoping the next one knocks him back into the mindset he promised his team he would be in—the one that made impulsivity impossible. He continues to promise the team that he’s fine but they know it’s a lie. Buck knows it’s a lie but he’s powerless against it.

Slowly, bad habits don’t seem so far away.

He sees an opportunity for risk and takes it as long as he can talk the others into it. He can—always has been able to—and after a few maneuvers, the team starts to trust him. But he doesn’t trust himself. He realizes how easy it might be to just… give up. But he doesn’t—he won’t.

Breaking up with Taylor was hard. He knows in his heart that it was for the best. He was already dragging everyone down with him and he wasn’t willing to do that to her. She has so much opportunity ahead of her; promotions, air time, stories to chase that being with Buck would only hold her back from.

He breathes in the scent left behind on his pillow of the first woman he’s sure truly loved him. He misses her with every fiber of his being but he knows it’s for the best. At least, that’s what he tells himself.

He starts to go out after work, hitting on whoever gives him attention, but always goes home alone. At least then, he feels wanted. He feels needed, appreciated, loved. Even if it’s just for a few drinks and casual shoulder touches, it’s enough. It keeps him moving forward from the stability he so foolishly pretended to have.

Honestly, that’s all he can ask for.

There are a few mornings that he’s late to work. He runs in after the first bell is already ringing, uniform unbuttoned and untucked, hair without even a small layer of gel to hold it in place, a stale donut hanging from his mouth as he grabs his turnout gear and sprints to the firetruck. They almost leave without him sometimes and it hurts but he understands.

After a few too many drinks on a day where he misses that first bell, he wakes up the following morning in a bed he doesn’t recognize. There’s a bottle of water beside him and a note letting him know that no one will be home. He doesn’t recognize the handwriting and wonders what kind of person would leave a stranger in their bed.

He glances around the room and relaxes almost immediately. There are a few photos on the dresser that he does recognize. May’s face stands out immediately in a group of teenage girls, then another with Harry standing next to his sister as she grips tightly around his neck. There’s a family photo of the Grant-Nash’s that tugs at Buck’s heart so harshly, he has to look away.

When Eddie left, any semblance of the family that Buck thought he could have had gone with him. He remembers how alone he feels, how unloved, unwanted, un—everything. He wonders if that’s how Bobby felt when his family passed away but he knows it’s not the same. Bobby’s family was taken, Buck’s just… left.

Buck wonders if he’ll ever get used to everyone’s ability to leave him behind.

Before he can think too much of it, a door shuts somewhere in the house, and panic erupts through him. He isn’t ready to face Bobby, let alone Athena, but those would be some of the only people to walk through their door. He grabs for the clothes on a neat pile next to the water bottle and notices that they’re slightly warm. He doesn’t remember much of last night but his clothes needing to be washed does not point to anything good.

Once he’s dressed, he walks to the door and hesitates. If he opens it, whoever entered will know he’s awake, and probably want to talk with him about the trouble he got into the night before. He considers pretending to be asleep and waiting out the pacing footsteps but although Buck is a lot of things—coward isn’t one of them. He takes a deep breath to calm himself as best he can and turns the handle.

In the hallway, he feels his heart sinking and his stomach rumbling in the now-familiar anxiety that used to be foreign to him. He hates that he let himself get this way. He hates that he can’t just be stronger, braver, steadier. He wonders if that’s the reason everyone leaves.

Shaking his head, he continues toward the living room, walking down the hallway like prey trying to evade its predator. He feels ridiculous but the emotion isn’t strong enough to push away the fear. The nerves only spike when he hears whistling from the kitchen.

Bobby, he thinks to himself. He wants to relax now that he knows who came home but his mind won’t let him. The beat in his heart is still too rapid and the knots forming in every single muscle tie tighter and tighter with each step. Fucking pathetic, he curses to himself, closing his eyes to stave away the tears he can feel prickling at the corner of them.

When he opens his eyes, he sees the door and nothing else. It would be so easy to run, to flee like his mind is convincing him to do. Buck remembers what Dr. Copeland had said when they met a few weeks ago—when he thought seeing her would make things better.

A human has three reactions in times of stress; fight, flight, and freeze. Buck had always been a fighter. Ever since he was a small child, his first instinct was to protect himself and those he cared about. In the field, he was the first one running into danger while everyone else ran away. When fight wasn’t an option, Buck had always taken action. With the tsunami, he grabbed Christopher and ran. He always did something.

No, that isn’t true, Buck’s mind unhelpfully supplies. Flashes overtake his vision, a foam of spattered blood blurring the sight of Eddie’s near-lifeless body lying on the pavement. His instant reaction isn’t to fight—how does he fight an invisible enemy? He can’t flee either because Eddie is lying on the ground in desperate need of help and Buck had promised to always have his back.

So instead, he freezes. He stands there, watching Eddie’s life disappear from his eyes, watching the blood on the pavement spread so far that Buck isn’t sure there’s any left in his partner’s body. He can’t do anything, is just as useless as he has felt in the last few weeks, and if it isn’t for someone else making the choice for him, he might have been shot down right beside Eddie.

“Are you hurt?” Eddie’s voice asks. Buck shakes his head rapidly, blinks until the blood is out of his eyes and thrumming through his own bloodstream, and in front of him—is Eddie.

“Eds?” he asks shakily.

“Hey Buck,” Eddie responds breathily.

Buck’s mind flashes to the hospital bed when Eddie had woken up and muttered those exact same words. He hears himself whimper like an injured animal before he’s engulfed in Eddie’s warmth.

—————————

Eddie sees Buck through the darkness every time he closes his eyes. He relives the confusion, the betrayal, the sorrow that contorted through his best friend’s face the moment he finally found the nerve to tell his team his plan. He can’t bring himself to regret it, though, not when it means making sure Christopher has a father next Christmas. It was such a small ask that took the largest amount of courage from a child who should never have had to ask. He can’t fault Christopher after everything he has been through and he tries not to fault himself.

That’s a lot harder than he thought it should’ve been.

It doesn’t help that Buck has pulled away. From the second Eddie’s name had been removed from his locker, every encounter with Buck had been superficial at best. He would smile and laugh and tease but none of it felt genuine. There is something broken in Buck and Eddie can’t pretend he’s not the cause.

Eddie wants to reach out—to Buck, to Bobby, to Hen, to Chimney, even to Maddie—but he doesn’t feel like he has the right anymore. He is the one who broke all of them but he can’t find it in himself to put them back together. He wonders on and off if things could have been different but he won’t let himself ask, not until Bobby finally reaches out.

“Eddie…” Bobby’s voice sounds a mixture of relieved and nervous. Eddie doesn’t know what to make of it.

“Cap— Bobby,” he corrects himself because that’s not what their relationship is anymore, “is, uh, everything okay?”

“Have you talked to Buck lately?” he asks and Eddie’s heart drops.

Regretfully, he answers, “Not for a while.”

Bobby sighs and Eddie feels it in every nerve ending in his body.

He wants to defend himself because it’s not as if he hasn’t tried but it feels cheap. He shouldn’t defend himself when he is the problem in the first place. But he has tried. He had made plans over the last few weeks for nights out together and when Buck canceled those, he tried—again, regretfully—using Christopher as a pawn. Somehow, Buck always figures out how to keep Christopher close and push Eddie away.

It feels like a talent at this point.

“You got a shift today?” Bobby asks.

“Not until tonight. Bobby, what’s going on?” Is Buck okay? Is he hurt? Is he alive? Eddie wouldn’t know and it kills him.

“Has anyone… talked to you? About Buck specifically?”

“No,” Eddie answers almost desperately.

“We’re worried about him, Eddie. He— He’s changed and none of us know how to stop it. He started being late to shifts which we expected but now he isn’t even showing up. No call, no text, nothing. When he is with us, he’s making desperate choices, impulsive decisions that none of us have time to disagree with. Even if we did, I— I don’t think he would listen. He doesn’t leave his apartment and when he does, it’s only to go back to his old ways, the way he was before he— before he met you.”

This is my fault, Eddie thinks but doesn’t chance to say.

“He’s pushing us away, Eddie. He barely opens up to me, avoids Hen and Chim when he’s at the station, dodges Maddie’s calls over and over again. Athena has been the only one to get through to him and that’s only because it was official business.”

“He got arrested?” Eddie asks, already grabbing for his keys on the counter.

“Of course not,” Bobby says softly, like he knows the string holding Eddie’s sanity together is about to snap. “Athena was called to a bar last night because of an altercation—Buck was not involved,” he adds quickly, “but he was there. He was past the point of no return Eddie and he was apparently buying drinks for the entire bar when Athena walked in. I guess that was his way of de-escalating things.”

“Sounds like Buck,” Eddie says dryly. “What happened, Bobby? Why are you calling me?”

“Athena got him in her cruiser but couldn’t take him home. He was— God, Eddie, he was a mess. I was there when Buck hit rock bottom before, back when he stole a firetruck and was about to lose his goddamned job over his immature decisions, but this? This was him digging his own grave.” Eddie hears Bobby’s intake of breath and takes the time to do the same.

“This is my fault,” Eddie says, out loud this time because he can’t stop himself.

Bobby is quick to intervene with a firm, “Stop.”

“I left and he— Is he seeing Dr. Copeland? Is he talking to anyone?” Eddie asks. He doesn’t realize he’s digging a key into his palm until pain shoots up his forearm and vibrates through the wound in his shoulder like a reminder.

“As far as I can tell, no. That’s why I called you, Eddie. Not because you are guilty of causing any of this.” Before Eddie can retort, Bobby continues, “If Buck is reacting this way due to a decision you made for your family, then there’s a lot more going on with him than we think. But, Eddie, you’re the only one who can talk to him.”

“Where is he?” Eddie asks, making his way out of his front door and unlocking his truck.

“He’s at mine. Athena didn’t have the heart to bring him anywhere else,” Bobby admits. “I had to leave to get to the station but I’ve already called in Tucker to work for him today.” Eddie nods and pulls his car door shut, slamming his head back against the seat to feel something. “He needs your help, Eddie, but—”

“But nothing,” Eddie interrupts as he starts his car. “Buck needs me and I’m there, you know that.”

“I do, which is why I called,” Bobby says softly, “but just because you’re helping him doesn’t mean you owe him anything.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Eddie asks even though he’s pretty sure he knows. Bobby sighs and Eddie can hear the way his palm slides over his face.

“You left the 118 for the good of your family, to meet your son’s needs and your own. Buck is hurting and he’s— he’s not in a good place, we all see that. But that doesn’t mean you need to sacrifice yourself for him.” Bobby gives him a chance to argue but Eddie can’t find the fight in him. “There is a middle ground here, Eddie, you both just need to find it.”

After a few moments of silence, Eddie whispers, “Thanks, Cap,” then hangs up before his emotions get the better of him.

The drive to Bobby’s is silent—even his mind decides to give him a brief reprieve. He can only be grateful for it because he’s terrified of what his brain might supply if he lets himself dwell on his talk with Bobby. The Grant-Nash household is even quieter. He’s only ever been there when their families are crowded around the dinner table or there’s music playing out on the patio that fills the air.

The silence, while welcome, is terrifying.

He fills it with what he knows. Buck was out the previous night drinking himself to death and emptying his bank account on people that so easily took advantage of him. He moves toward the kitchen, grateful for the few cooking lessons Bobby has given him there so he at least knows where to find a pan, some bread, and the toaster.

The soft clangs of his messy cooking aren’t enough to calm him so he whistles to pass the time. He doesn’t have a song in his mind—he’s not sure there’s enough room for one—but the sound is enough to ease the tension hanging like a dark cloud over his head.

He makes breakfast which feels… minuscule. He scrambles some eggs because Buck doesn’t like a runny yolk. He leaves a few pieces of bread in the toaster much longer than Eddie would ever dare for his own meal and when he takes them out, he spreads a thick layer of butter hoping it’ll sop up some the day-after alcohol in Buck’s stomach. He shuffles through the cabinets until he finds cinnamon and hesitates before grabbing a spoonful of sugar. He knows that Buck enjoys a sweet breakfast more than anything else.

It’s a familiar feeling, one that surrounds him in relaxation, but it’s quickly squashed when he hears mumbling coming from the hallway. He drops the spoon filled with sugar and doesn’t let himself care about the mess as he sprints toward the sound. What he sees pains the deepest parts of him, parts he wasn’t sure still existed.

Buck is trembling, his entire body quaking so violently, Eddie freezes to make sure the ground isn’t about to give below them. One of Buck’s hands grips the corner of the wall, the other oscillating between reaching forward and scrubbing over his face. He’s mumbling, sputtering words that Eddie doesn’t recognize, but he’s staring at nothing.

When Eddie steps in front of him, there’s no hint of recognition until he asks, “Are you okay?”

Buck says his name so softly, so heartbreakingly quiet, that Eddie has to force down the panic that thrums through him.

“Hey Buck,” he whispers to make sure Buck knows he’s safe—if that even is what Eddie means to him anymore.

When Buck collapses, Eddie’s there to catch him, wrapping his arms around Buck’s waist and gripping onto the muscles of his back to keep them both standing. Buck doesn’t cry, doesn’t break down how Eddie expects, but what he does do is just as painful.

He pulls away.

“Eddie, I’m s-sorry, I didn’t— This isn’t your— What are you doing here? You’re okay?” His words are disconnected, disjointed in a way that’s unfortunately familiar to Eddie, so he answers each spoken and unspoken question.

“You don’t need to be sorry. We’re at Bobby’s. He called me to check on you, to see how you are. I’m okay,” he says, then corrects, “well, as okay as I can be.”

Quickly, Buck stands straight, any evidence of unsteadiness gone. “He shouldn’t have burdened you like that.”

“You’re not a burden, Buck,” Eddie responds immediately. Neither says anything while Buck silently puts himself back together, Eddie struggling to follow his lead. “I made breakfast. I figured we should talk.”

“There’s nothing to talk about, Eddie. I’m fine, you’re fine. It was just a slip-up and I’ll do better,” Buck says easily, like it doesn’t feel like a dagger to Eddie’s already gaping heart.

“You don’t have to do better,” he reassures. He rests a hand on Buck’s shoulder and pulls him a little closer, urging him to follow Eddie to the kitchen. Buck reluctantly does, looking more vulnerable than Eddie has ever seen him. “At least eat some breakfast, okay? It would make me feel better.”

Eddie knows it’s a low blow but Buck agrees so he can’t feel too bad about it. Buck needs to eat and they need to talk. As much as Eddie hates talking about what goes on inside his guilt-ridden mind, he can’t let it impact Buck, not in the way it has been.

Buck eats in silence and if Eddie thought the quiet was bad before, he loathes it now. He doesn’t know how to break it, though, not without scaring Buck away like a deer hearing a branch snap in the forest. He has to be careful—for Buck’s sake and his own.

“I’m guessing there’s no way out of this for me, is there?” Buck asks when he eats the final bite of his toast. With an empty plate in front of him, there’s nothing keeping him from getting up and leaving.

Well, nothing except for Eddie.

“Bobby’s worried about you,” Eddie begins, holding in his pain when Buck visibly flinches.

“He doesn’t have to be. I know I’ve been a shitty employee, but—”

“You know that’s not what he cares about, Buck.”

“Yeah,” Buck sighs, “but it would be easier if it was.”

“Believe me, I— I know the feeling,” Eddie admits, leaning his elbows on the island countertop because he can’t make himself sit down. “He never tried to convince me to stay, you know.”

It’s not the best start but it’s not the worst either.

“Of course not,” Buck responds, which—Eddie was not expecting. “We all understand why you left, Eds. That was never a question.”

“It wasn’t?” Eddie asks quietly. But it’s your fault, Eddie.

“Give us a little credit, won’t you?” Buck jokes, the corner of his lips tugging into an almost smile. “We saw how being on the job was changing you, how it was impacting Chris. We— I knew the day was coming. Christmas was a bit of a punch in the face but…” Eddie’s about to apologize when he catches the twinkle in Buck’s eye.

“Christopher was so happy. It felt like my only opportunity,” he defends weakly.

“Which was obvious,” Buck retorts. “We know you better than you know yourself sometimes, Eds, that’s why we make a great team.”

“I should’ve considered the fact that my leaving wouldn’t just have an impact on Christopher,” Eddie says, voice full of guilt that he can’t control. “I didn’t mean to hurt anyone, Buck, especially you.” He feels the tears spring to his eyes and knows Buck can’t avoid them and even more guilt washes over him. He’s there to comfort Buck, not feel his pity.

“You didn’t,” Buck responds immediately, reaching a hand out to graze over Eddie’s arm. Eddie raises his eyebrows in disbelief and tilts his head as he usually does when Buck is minimizing his feelings. It’s a look he hopes Buck still remembers. Buck sighs and Eddie knows he does. “You did. I know I can’t pretend that losing you as my partner didn’t hurt but, Eddie, you had to do this. I know that.”

“Then why are you showing up late to work when you go at all? Why are you making impulsive—stupid—decisions when you’re out on calls? Why are you acting like you’re expendable even when I’ve tried to remind you time and time again that you’re wrong? Why are you here after a night of reckless behavior that would’ve never happened if I—”

Eddie cuts himself off when he feels his anger rising in him. He regrets the interrogation immediately when he glances at Buck’s face to see his eyes wide. The hurt in them is as plain as day and regret somehow seeps into every feature of his face.

“You think this is because of you?”

Yes, because it’s my fault.

“Isn’t it?” Eddie responds instead. Buck scoffs, a noise that reverberates through Eddie’s ears as his mind tries to decode its message.

“Eddie, God,” Buck breathes, gripping onto Eddie’s arm so tightly that he starts to believe he deserves the pain. It only serves him right. “You sure are a self-centered bastard, aren’t you?”

“Excuse me?” Eddie’s been accused of being a lot of things in life, but being self-centered has never crossed his path.

“Okay, that was harsh,” Buck admits and Eddie just nods his head once because he's not sure what to say, “but I needed to get it out. You’re here to make me feel better, right?” Eddie nods again. “Then let me ask you something.”

“Anything,” Eddie says.

“You got shot, right?” Eddie doesn’t bother giving him an answer. “That was, what, almost a year ago now?” Eddie nods and pretends he doesn’t know exactly how long it has been. “I had to watch you struggle for months after and couldn’t do anything about it.”

“There was nothing you could do,” Eddie interrupts. Buck holds a hand up as if begging him to stop talking so he does. If that’s what Buck needs, then he’ll do it.

“I had to watch my big sister fall into a pit of despair because her mind was playing tricks on her. I had to watch her push away everyone who loves her until finally, she left. She left with the niece I had barely had a moment to hold. Then, my pseudo-brother-in-law blames me for it all which lands me a punch in the face. Then he leaves and ignores all of my attempts to beg for his forgiveness—which I’m still not above, believe me.”

Buck doesn’t stop to breathe even though Eddie can see his face turning red, his eyes filling with unshed tears.

“Through all of that, we were taken as hostages by some convict that threatened a person I cherish possibly more than anyone else in the world and— I had to listen to what I could only assume was you being shot—again—and couldn’t do anything about it—again.”

Buck shakes his head and scrubs at his face like a desperate attempt to feel something other than the words he’s admitting. Eddie yearns to reach out and comfort him but he knows Buck enough to realize that’s not what he needs right now.

“Every call we got after that, even before that if I’m honest, felt like a goddamn failure no matter how hard I tried to use every single coping mechanism Dr. Copeland gave me. And,” Buck falls back in his seat, “to top it all off, I pushed away a woman who truly loved me and that I could have a future with because nothing felt right with her. So, yes, Eddie,” Buck breathes harshly, “you are being a self-centered bastard if you think you leaving is the only reason I’m—depressed.”

It’s the first time Eddie has ever heard Buck say the words, give a name to the mentality everyone else had always been acutely aware of. It binds his heart just a little to know that Buck can admit it. Eddie still hasn’t let himself ponder the sadness and panic that tightens his chest and seizes his words but if Buck can do it, maybe that means they’ll be okay.

That doesn’t stop him from opening his stupid mouth and saying, “I still left you after all of that.”

“Yeah, you did,” Buck agrees,” and maybe—just maybe—that was the final straw that broke me but I can’t sit here and let you believe that this is your fault. Because you know what has gotten me out of bed these last few weeks?” Eddie shakes his head. “Knowing that you are safe and Christopher is happy. That’s what you leaving did to me. It kept me moving forward.”

Eddie takes a moment to consider Buck’s admission. Out of everything Buck has ever said to him, those words mean the most. All he’s ever wanted is for Buck to realize his importance to those around him, how indispensable he is even though he’s been discarded so easily throughout his life. He’s crucial to Eddie’s life, a necessity in Christopher’s. He’s vital to the team, to his friends, to the family he has left.

If Eddie can be a part of keeping him going, who is he to argue?

“I don’t blame you, Eddie. If anything, I blame myself for not realizing how bad I had gotten until I saw you here.”

“Hey, no,” Eddie stops him immediately.

He suddenly feels too far away from Buck so he wanders over to the other side of the island and takes a seat so their knees knock together. He rests a hand on Buck’s thigh and leans in to make sure that Buck really hears what he has to say.

“You are just as blameless as I am in this, okay? You have been knocked over too many times to count and I wish I could stop it but I can’t. I know how you feel—like everything is out of your control and all you can do is blame yourself because to put that guilt on anyone else wouldn’t be fair, wouldn’t be true.”

A ghost of a smile crosses Buck’s lips even though he refuses to catch Eddie’s eyes. It’s clear to Eddie that it’s just as helpful for Buck as it is for him to know that they don’t have to be alone in their minds.

“Well guess what? You are allowed to fall back sometimes as long as you keep getting back up and moving forward. You say that Christopher and I help you with that so… will you let us?” Eddie asks, an overwhelming feeling taking over his chest when Buck meets his gaze.

“Or, you know, you can let me?”

The middle ground, as Bobby had called it, is the toughest to find, but when Buck wraps his arms around Eddie like he never wants to let go, it seems like the best place they could have ended up.

When the world seems hard to bear Know your minds not always there Not always ups or downs There's always the middle ground Contentment by JAVII

[tails89]

Uhhh, so I'm a day early... but I accidentally made words when I was supposed to be working....

@911summerfest

Characters: Evan Buckley, Christopher Diaz, Eddie Diaz.

766 words

Day 4: “It’s just a little bee sting.”

Chris lets out a shriek that almost stops Buck’s heart. One moment they’d been trying to escape the summer heat, pelting each other with the water pistols, the next minute Chris is clutching his hand to his chest screaming.

“Chris?” Buck drops the toy, racing to where the kid is sitting in the grass. “Chris, buddy, what’s wrong? What happened?”

A million different awful possibilities are running through his head along with the all consuming guilt that he’s failed. He was supposed to watch Chris, supposed to protect him, but something has gone terribly wrong.

“Hey. C'mon let me see it.” He reaches carefully, pulling Chris' hand towards him to survey the damage.

“Hurts,” Chris gasps between sobs, trying to tug his hand back.

“I know buddy. I know.” It’s only years of firefighting experience that keeps Buck’s hands steady. He spots the stinger embedded in Chris' palm and winces in sympathy. “Ouch. Bee stings hurt,” he tells Chris. “You’re being super brave though.” He’s pretty sure Chris isn’t allergic to anything but he also has no idea if he’s ever been stung before. “I’m just going to get this out okay.”

“No.”

“I know it hurts, but I’ll be quick. You won’t even feel it,” Buck promises. He scoots in closer to Chris, wrapping an arm around his shoulders. “You ready?”

Chris tucks his face into Buck’s chest and nods.

“Ow. Ow. Ow.”

Despite the panic coursing through him, Buck can’t help the small smile of fond amusement. He hadn’t even started yet and when he does scrape the stinger out of Chris’ skin, the boy doesn’t even notices.

“All done.” He stands, lifting Chris up to carry him into the house. “I’ll get you an icepack. It’ll help with the sting.”

He sits Chris on the kitchen table while he rummages through the freezer. The boy is still softly hiccupping, tears streaming down his cheeks.

Buck checks Chris’ hand, there’s no sign swelling and no indication of any allergic reaction. Buck lets out the breath he’s been holding since he first heard Chris scream and presses the icepack against his palm.

“Better?”

Chris nods mutely and lets Buck carry him out to the living room. He squished up against Buck’s side on the couch and Buck lets him, despite how hot and sticky it is.

With one hand he smooths down Chris' curls, reaching for his phone with the other.

“Hey, quick question?” Buck asks when Eddie picks up. He tucks the phone against his shoulder to free up both hands. “Chris isn’t allergic to bees is he?”

“No.” Buck can hear the concern edging into Eddie’s tone. “Why, what happened?”

“It’s nothing,” Buck reassures him. “Just a little bee sting. We were playing outside with those water pistols you got Chris for his birthday.”

“Is he okay?”

“Here buddy.” Buck hands the phone over to Chris. “I think your dad needs a little reassurance.”

“Daddy.” Chris, the little champion, takes a shaky breath and grips the phone. “I’m okay. Bucky fixed me.”

Buck watches him in awe. You’d never know he’d been sobbing just minutes ago.

“You don’t have to come home. Me ‘n Buck are okay now.” He pauses to listen, but Buck can only hear one side of the conversation. “Yeah Dad, love you too.”

Chris hands the phone back to him and Buck takes it with sweaty palms.

“Sounds like you’ve got it under control.”

“I think so?” Buck doesn’t mean for it to come out as a question, but he’s feeling so far out of his depth right now. “Look, Eddie, I-“

“You better not be about to apologise.”

“I—maybe?”

“Hey, it’s fine. Chris is okay. He’s got his Buck. Get him some icecream and he’ll have forgotten about it by the time I get home.”

“I—okay.” Buck sighs and runs a hand through his hair. His heart finally feels like it’s no longer trying to beat right out of his chest. “Thanks Eddie.”

“Why are you thanking me?” Buck can hear the amusement in Eddie’s voice. “You’re the one who had to deal with it.”

The shrill ring of the station bells echoes from the speaker.

“I gotta go. I’ll see you in a few hours. I’ll bring home takeout,” Eddie promises before disconnecting the call.

Buck stares down at the phone and then across at Chris who is looking back at him.

“Your dad says we don’t have to cut your arm off,” he jokes, earning a small smile from Chris. “I think this calls for icecream.”