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seb-owns-these-tatas · 4 years

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Free Me (Series)

Characters: Chris Evans x Reader, Henry Cavill x Reader

Prompt: 1. "I never want to hear your name during my life anymore." 2. "Your lips used to be my sanctuary, but now I feel trapped." 3. "Isn't it time we both stopped pretending we make each other happy?"

Summary: Y/N has been noticing how her husband was slowly slipping away, guessing that another woman was illegally involved and included in the marriage she was in. Deciding that what was best for the both of them is to finally let go.

Warnings: Cheating, some cuss words, No smut so you're good to go. 😉, ANGST. (Y/H/T means your hometown! 😊)

Words: 2,430

A/N: PLEASE DON’T FORGET TO COMMENT AND REBLOG! Thank you, Tater tots! This has a sequel! Just go find it in my masterlist blog located in my blog description. Heehee!

Disclaimer: PNG's used in edits are not mine even the GIF's too. However, the edits and oneshots are definitely from moi.

MY WORKS ARE NOT TO BE POSTED ON ANY OTHER WEBSITES. My official username in Wattpad is “TATATHEPOTATO” and that’s the only other site I have aside from Tumblr. Thank you, Tater tots

The night sky was more wistful than you thought it would be. Stars were trying to partake in what you were feeling as it wasn't actively twinkling like it used to. That was always your problem, you get caught in the fantasy that you've been dying to live in. Imagining a perfect story without flaws and rabbit holes, with a prince who will stay by your side forever. Dreaming that something lasts forever. That even your love would last forever.

Yet, it didn't.

The clock striked twelve. It was time for Cinderella to come home before it was too late. There she went and ran, leaving a glass slipper behind for her prince to find and return.

The door knob rattled, you began to feel tense, sensing your heart beat in anxiety. Your emotions spinning round and round, only getting to feel two heightened emotions: pain and anger.

You heard the door creak, footsteps can be heard. Hearing the soft taps of his rubber shoes against the tiled floor. It would only take him ten steps before reaching the leaving room where you were sluggishly sitting cross legged.

In 5..4...3...2...........1. Cinderella was finally home at last.

You uncrossed your legs, sipping on your Absinthe, the harsh liquid leaving a fiery trail on your throat, now feeling his presence close as you glared at the man before you. Alas, there he was, standing tall, looking ragged and slovenly. Behold, the man that you once dreamt of and thought who would never break your heart.

Chris gave a smile, but it wasn't as bright as you remembered. He changed, his smile changed, everything changed. Even his heart did.

The glint in your eyes was full of spite, once he began walking towards you. He was going to give you a kiss. A fake kiss that you wanted to spit out, as you began over thinking how he shared saliva with the woman he was just with.

He held a hand on your chin, gently lifting it up as he entirely crouched down, nonchalantly giving you a kiss. A kiss without the love you once had. A kiss that you imagined to be loving and zealous. A kiss that would make you heart jump in utter affection and passion, a kiss that would make your legs weak, but it didn't. It was never the same way as it used to before, and it broke your heart and soul.

"Your lips used to be my sanctuary, but now I feel trapped." Those were the first words that came out of your mouth, his lips left yours with a faded sound. You began to feel your heart beat quicken in rage, feeling the alcohol start to kick in. Giving you the strength to finally burst out your feelings and hidden thoughts.

"That sounded like a line in one of my movies. Where'd you get that, Babe?" He quietly sat beside you, giving you a nervous chuckle before taking your hands in his which you quickly rejected with one hostile push of your hand.

You stood up, the transparent, fragile glass in your hands. Your emotions were starting to bubble up and it was beginning to burst into tears. You love him. You gave him your heart. You gave him everything. Yet, he chose to throw it away. You trusted him. You trusted him to fully give his heart to you. However, you didn't realize Mr. Cinderella left his shoe on his way home, and you didn't know..It wasn't just any shoe. It was already his heart. His heart that was once yours, but was now in the hands of another woman. A woman that was the complete opposite of you. A woman who was sexier, and hotter. A woman he probably ever dreamt of.

A woman who isn't you.

"Isn't it time we both stopped pretending we make each other happy, Chris?" You aggravatingly spoke, biting your lower lip hard in anger. The pain was finally poisoning you alive, and it was time that it did.

"W-What? What are you saying?--" He stood up, daring to even walk close, his face looking so confused, a face that you wanted to slap a million times. His face that could lure you into believing him again with just one snap of his sad puppy eyes, and his beautiful lips that continued speaking words that were full of lies. "--You got to stop, Love. You're already drunk, I know you get emotional when you're drunk--"

"Do you really know me, Chris? Do you? Well, Mr. I-know-everything-about-my-wife..What does my face say right now?"

His baby blue eyes stared downright at you, deeply staring, his eyes turning scared and afraid. "It's the face that I never want to forget. The face that was once full of happiness but is now filled with sadness. A face that--" You cut him off, your eyes turning cloudy as you got the unknown watch from your pockets, your fingers trembling in absolute fury as you harshly pushed the watch on his muscly chest, hard enough to tell that you weren't in your usual state. Hard enough to show him that the woman in front of him wasn't the same anymore. "--A face that isn't hers. A face that isn't the woman you've been secretly dating, flirting and fucking with. This face I have right now? Isn't the face you ever want to see from me!" He grabbed the watch that you furiously pushed, examining it with utmost curiosity before his face fell, like his world fell apart. Pathetic. "That watch. It isn't mine, Chris. It's under our fuckin' bed. We don't have a daughter in this home for God's sake! where would that watch even come from?!" You began shouting hysterically, finally caught up in your inexplainable rage.

You thought you were the princess in your own fairy tale. Turns out you were the knight in shining armor who kept on fighting and protecting the pure love you both had. The love that was now ruined forever because of one unforgivable sin. His infidelity.

"Th-that was my sister's! You know how she loves her watches! I was about to give this back to her but--"

You heavily dropped the glass on your coffee table. Loud enough to startle his dog named 'Dodger' that was currently barking nonstop, however that didn't stop you. "I'M DONE WITH YOUR FUCKIN' LIES, EVANS!" You loudly screamed, glaring up at him with the most wrathful look you could ever give to anyone. Your tears threatening to fall, and one by one it did. They were traitors, just like the man in front of you. He was a traitor of your heart.

"I-I called your sister when I was back in (Y/H/T). That watch isn't the only evidence I have, You weren't being too discreet when you uploaded that fuckin' video of dodger singing because I damn sure heard your ex's voice laughing in the background, you fucking invited her in our damn house!" You sneered, your words coming out like venom. His broad, thewy shoulder fell in surrender. He finally lost because he was caught. The traitor was finally caught red handed.

"You've changed. We've changed. The sweetness turned into coldness, everything's starting to feel fake now.." You frankly said and paused, sniffing loudly. "Wh-what happened to us, Chris? What did I do wrong? Is it me? It has always been me, I know." You mumbled to yourself, tears falling like rain on the newly waxed floor.

Chris began pulling on the strands of his black hair in frustration. Never looking at you in the eye, hesitating to speak or not, "I-I loved you, I still do, (Y/N). I do, I loved you," He trailed off, seeming to be in a baffled state, his eyes shamefully having the courage to stare straight back at you. There, you saw him shedding tears, his blue eyes turning reddish from the cries.

"Loved? Funny how one letter can create a whole new meaning to the word," You gave a broken laugh, saying it with bitterness and with a broken heart. "L-Let's fix this, Babe. W-we can fix this.." Chris walked towards you, grabbing your face with his cold, large, calloused hands. His face turning paler as fear washed away the love it once had. He was scared, probably scared to be left alone and abandoned by the wife that promised to be with him by hook or by crook. You were starting to disappear in his life, slowly staring to fade away, you were ready to let him go and that made him scared for the life he decided to create. A life without you, a life without his wife that he shared vows with.

You angrily slapped his hands away, feeling grossed out because you imagined those hands had obviously just been held by his bitch. "We can't fix something that has already been broken. You broke my trust, and most importantly my heart, Christopher!"

He took a few long, fast strides before wrapping you in a desperate tight hug. One tight hug that wasn't impossible for you to breath in, you could sense his body shake from weeping. You could sense the fear that was wrapped inside of him, the fear of loosing you once and for all. "We-we can fix this..I-I can fix you again..W-we can make this work--"

"Don't try and fix me when all you need is to fix yourself!" You seethed, breath starting to come out deeper and more harsh. "I am not the man who cheated here! I wasn't the person who destroyed this marriage! It's all on you! You committed adultery! You remained unfaithful, yet you want to try and fix this?! What makes you think you would never try and do it again?!"

"Because I would never!! I'm never gonna do it again! I'm sorry! I'm s-sorry! Please!" Chris's cold hands caught your wrists, his hot tears falling from his eyes. He began to violently use your feeble hands to hit him. But, you could never. You just can't physically hurt the man that you used to love. "--Just hit me, slap me, kick me, I fucking deserve it, Babe! I deserve--"

"You deserve to fucking feel the pain I felt! You fucking deserve to feel the regret once I leave you for good!"

Chris fell hard on his knees, weeping so hard, hopelessly wrapping his muscly arms around your weak legs. He began begging when he knew you were ready to jump out of the house without any second thought. Appearing to find that begging can be the only way he could have you back. "N-NO! Please! Please, no! Don't leave me! I can make her leave! I'll leave her, (Y/N)! Just, p-please! Don't leave me! I beg you...I beg you...."

You forcefully untangled his arms that was wrapped around your body, but he was trying not to let you go, no matter how easy it is to leave..It was difficult especially having a heart that never wanted to lose hope in this marriage you were in. "Ch-Chris," You choked up in your own tears, hearing him plead in despair made you not want to leave. Nonetheless, your decision was final.

"It's time for you to let me go, Love. It's time for me to go,"

"N-No...I'm never letting you g-go, (Y/N)...N-Never." He cried, and you could hear him whimper. His arms deliberately loosened. How you did it was a complete miracle. But, now..now you were finally free.

"You began to let me go from the moment you secretly dated her behind my back," You stood in front of him, head held high with fresh tears falling from your eyes. Never planning on leaning down to give him his one last kiss because he didn't deserve it after all.

"I never want to hear your name during my life anymore." You whispered to him, "W-we could've been happy, if you just realized my love could fulfill you,"

"--but you didn't realize that, so you decided to become greedy and chose to find a different kind of love from someone else,"

You spun on your heels, turning your back away from him, you heard him cry more. It was louder this time, The realization began to hit him so hard, like a brick thrown on a wall, finally regretting every stupid decision he made. You turned your back away from the future that you thought you would have. A future with Chris. Things have turned the other way around as Chris was now a part of your past, he was once your future, nevertheless because of one sin, everything turned upside down. Turning everything worse for him, but becoming better for you.

The knight was finally free from the armor she was wearing, now she was a vulnerable knight without a job and her armor to protect the love that she thought was still there. A love that wasn't real and true.

You were finally free.

Now, Mr. Cinderella could finally marry the princess he deserved and wished for.

A princess that will never be you.

Follow moi blog and turn on the notification button every time I post updates, Tater tots! If you wanna be included in my taglists, just hit me up with an ask or DM! Or if ya’ wanna be friends, just hit me up! Heehee!

#Chris Evans #christopher robert evans #chris evans imagine #chris evans oneshot #chris evans x you #chris evans x reader #Steve Rogers #avengers #tatasmasterlist #seb-owns-these-tatas #tatasworks #seb owns these tatas #masterlist #angst #chris evans angst

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aemondtargaryenn · 3 years

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I always forget to do the games that I’m tagged in, so I’m really happy that I actually managed to finish this ahah

Anywayyy, I was tagged by the wonderful @benoitblanc & @stormbreaker (thank you arwen & roh !!) to do a content creator year in review!

first creation and most recent creation of 2020:

I basically only started giffing properly this year and there’s been a lot of improvement in my ps techniques and general editing style (although I still look at creations from like three months again and go eww). My first creation was this shoddy green avengers: endgame set and my most recent is this luke/vader entrance comparison (on this blog)

one of your favourite creations from 2020:

I think that’d either have to go to my anakin/obi-wan appreciation edit or this Natasha set simply because both of these were definitely learning curves for me, and unlike most of my gifs I like how they turned out!

a creation you’re really proud of:

I went through a phase of making move gif sets focusing on a pairing of colours so I think I’d have to say this aotc set because I like the colours I used (and I made it at like 1am after writing an assignment that wrecked my brain)

a new style you tried this year and a gifset that uses it:

hmm, probably the giffing with multiple gifs using shapes?? So this Steve edit maybe because that star took some gif dimension calculating that made me want to yeet my laptop out the window

a creation that took you forever:

I don’t think I will ever emotionally recover from this set inspired by @anya-chalotra ‘s trend setting gif making techniques. The thought process behind this has aged me, but it also VASTLY improved my ps skills in a short amount of time so thank u for the inspiration Ava!

your creation from 2020 that received the most notes:

this yellow to green gradient spirited away set (I think it’s my most reblogged post too so yeah everyone seems to love studio ghibli.. including me)

a creation you think deserved more notes:

hmm, I feel like once I make a set I just forgot about it after a while if it flops lmao, I don’t need that failure to stay in my thoughts asjkfdh if I had to choose a set I’d say this anakin skywalker edit mainly because anakin deserves at least 1k ahah

a creation with a favourite scene/quote:

this has to go to my i have nothing to prove to you rainbow women edit I don’t know where the idea came from, my brain must have peaked then.. it’s only downhill from here

a new fandom you joined and a creation you made for it:

I’d been a fan of star wars since I was little, but I’d never actually made creations for it. A lot of the ones that I made recently were for the Prequels Appreciation week hosted by @anakin-skywalker (because before all else I am a prequels hoe) so I’m just going to say an example of that is any of the posts I made for that (and I’m pretty sure I’ve tagged them all in this so oop)!

a creation you made that breaks your heart:

maybe this anakin/padme/obi-wan set simply because although that quote was said originally by obi wan, it’s tragic to know that it fits them all perfectly.

a ‘simple’ creation that you really love:

this pink/blue edit that I thought was ugly at the time and now I’m like I’ll probably never be able to make a set like that again because I have no patience asjkfd

a creation that was inspired by another one (add both your creation and the one that inspired it!):

I’m forever inspired by the current techniques that gifmakers use so I’d have to say basically everything I make is at least inspired in some way by someone else aha?

a favourite creation created by someone else - I think if you ever see how much i word vomit in the tags daily, I am in awe at every single edit I see. The creativity and dedication that so many people have on here is inspiring, so here’s a select few that I particularly liked (I could literally go on forever so this was hard)

daenerys edit by @time-turner - i mean, how do i even begin? Each gif displays a different style of talent in gifmaking whether that be through the use of shapes, blending/overlaying gifs or different text effects and it’s just so so so beautiful

the times of day witcher set by @anya-chalotra - i don’t think i will never not be in awe of this edit. The thought process behind this is just incomprehemsible, I don’t even know where this idea came from but the execution is stunning. I especially love the isolation of colour in their eyes.

geralt of rivia yellow &b/w gifset by @rubyredwisp - the contrast between the selected colours is gorgeous, and the way the shapes are used to overlay the gifs is executed perfectly.

tony stark rainbow edit by @stardustony - vero always has stunning colourings on all of her edits, and this one certainly isn’t an exception. Just absolutely beautiful, there are no other words to describe this.

spider-man edit by @momentofmemory - the talent in this set is unreal. Excellent font choices and blending of the gifs, so so seamless & creative.

stranger things s3 rainbow set by @meliorn - as someone who loves colourful gifs as much as I do, a content creator appreciation list would not be complete without one of alice’s edits. The colouring is out of this world, and those shapes that are included in every other gif just bring the whole edit together so smoothly, and just add a whole other level of creativity.

star wars rainbow edit by @anakin-skywalker - talent, creativity, colour, dedication, this edit has it all. Absolutely stunning, the way each colour transitions so smoothly into the next one within this gradient is just wowwee. I could look at this all day.

some of your favorite content creators from the year

content creators have just totally transformed my whole fandom experience, and especially during this year I feel like tumblr has been such a safe place for me?? I admit I’m not the best at always getting back to everyone on time, but just getting to know a lot of you or seeing the creations everyone has beeing maing throughout this year has been such a positive thing in this mostly negative year. So thank you!

@anakin-skywalker @timothyolyphant @time-turner @yenvengerberg@kamalaskhans @anya-chalotra @seance @stormbreaker @wandamaximoffs @ewan-mcgregor @meliorn @benoitblanc @rockyblue @withered-rose-with-thorns @bartonclinton @coulter @captainhandsomes @jackmans @bladesrunner @clintfbarton @daenerys-targaryen @soka-tano @kkastle @darthanckin @ourteeth

and for good measure, another a couple more creations of yours that you love:

this orange/blue catws set (just ignore how bad the quality is, my sharpening skills were not great then), this natasha edit & rainbow aiw edit

tagging everyone tagged above (feel free to ignore seeing as I posted this on the last day of the year asjfdhjk)

#thank you for tagging me in this :)#tag games #long post

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swordmaid · 3 years

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creator tag meme

tagged by the local angel @giuseppearcimboldo thank you so much lizzie!

rules: it’s time to love yourselves! choose your 5 (ish) favorite works you created in the past year (fics, art, edits, etc.) and link them below to reflect on the amazing things you brought into the world in 2020. tag as many writers/artists/etc. as you want (fan or original) so we can spread the love and link each other to awesome works!

VERY happy i can fill this out because i’ve been so productive this year lol. also this is all gonna be jb bc ive been RELENTLESS and spamming and i would apologize but i wont lmao

1. jb eros/psyche au.

i am talking about everything i have done for the au btw, because i’ve done quite a handful of things and honestly i really love all of them--even the doodle ones which rarely happens. anyway, i love this au in general. i think the tale is perfect for them, and i’m happy with the works that i managed to put out most esp this one that’s based on canova’s sculpture of eros and psyche. translating sculpture into digital art was interesting since it was all about converting the weight and structure of the sculpture into the screen and i think i managed to do it imo! i love how brienne looks heavy in his arms, i love how strong jaime looks holding her up and i especially love the way i shaded her dress to mimic the lines that the statue has. all in all, this au slapped and i actually want to do more of it but i have no inspiration right now.

2. jb as classical art series.

honestly i never thought that this was going to be a series lol i thought it was just a two time thing, but then i did another one, and then another one, and then another one and now here we are. i love all the pieces that i’ve done for it actually. my favourite thing is that they’re all not direct translations of the original art. there are some aspects that i’ve taken and adapted while also putting my own flair into it. i love the reverse colour scheme with klimt’s kiss and my own rendition of it. the gold being the accent highlight in a field of murky brown/black whereas klimt has the black squares present to emphasis the richness of the gold and yellows. i also like the little thing i did where i put the geometric shapes outside of the subject instead of inside (what he did). i put on the tags that i didnt like how it turned out but i actually like it lol i just didn’t like how long it took me i get too impatient with my art i think. anyway. i love this whole series sm i think all the pieces have their own character, and tbh i always get nervous adding another piece into this just because all the ones that i’ve done has been so well received i don’t want to be a disappointment lool. regardless, i love classical art and i love jb and i love being able to put the two together hehe we love to be self indulgent

3. la belle fleur sauvage commission.

aka THIS commission that was based from SD’s fic, la belle fleur sauvage. some behind the scenes with that one--that one took me SO long to do, like it was taking longer than i had wanted and i felt very bad and i am forever thankful for sd’s patience 😭😭😭. i really can’t be too mad though since i was working on the third year of my degree, but i still would’ve wanted to finish it sooner than i did. but as for the art itself---i actually love it lol. i always say to zoom in on my stuff to see all the details but i WISH folks would zoom in on that because it’s so big and so intricate. i love how everything turned out; i love how rich the colours are, i love the composition for all three panels, i love how the SKY looked like actually that’s the first time i sat down and painted clouds with that technique and i am so happy and pleased with how it looked im using it for everything LOL, i love jaime’s outfit in the 2nd panel---i actually designed a whole outfit for that and he DOES have his pouches and daggers, etc. stuff that he would have with him if he was a mercenary, but because of the cropping, those details were taken out but it’s THERE. i love the colours and the shading on the 3rd panel. it looks so soft and romantic and it’s everything 😭😭. honestly i didnt know if i was able to finish whole three panels just because of how big the project seemed, but tbqh this piece really pushed me as an artist and im really happy that i had the chance to work on it (-’:

4. early morning.

this one is a more recent piece and i was thinking post canon jaime/brienne married and either living in casterly rock or evenfall hall. originally the sheets were gonna be red with the gold brocade but i just made it green to make their location more ambiguous. they’re in a castle because of the finery, but which castle i have no idea. anyway i love their faces here in particular--jaime because it’s not often that i draw him old (this is the second time i drew old jaime i think?) and i love how he turned out here. i love how he looks like a silver fox and a dilf and we really do love that for brienne. full disclosure, i have no idea how to draw older folks since i don’t have a lot of practice in that area so im glad my lack of experience doesn’t show lmao. i also love how soft brienne looks here! the little smile on her lips is very sweet, her body language and how relax she seems is very telling abt her confidence in this scene also i think i drew her hands hella well haha. all in all i think it’s a really sweet art! and the full version is not so bad either jaime’s ass was referenced from marble sculptures so you know im aiming for Quality. but i love this headcanon of a younger brienne tiring jaime out, i’ve read a handful fics about it and im happy i can do my own version of it hehe

5. unravel.

wow we love domesticity. someone said that if you compile all my ns*w art of them together it’s like they haven’t left their bed ever since they got together and you know what? love that for them it’s what they deserve. anyway i chose this one because of how sensual and simple it is. their body language really does all the talking ; jaime’s hand pulling on the ties on her shift, her hand on his hair, how soft and lazy their kiss looks--it’s enough to tell the story me thinks! i just love how simple this whole thing is but it’s very effective. there’s really not much to it besides what you see but that’s really enough.

i am actually very proud of myself with how productive i’ve been. it’s really not often that i get as much drive and energy to post so much art. iirc my art tag is nearly 200 content already (i think it’s 180 ish rn?) and honestly that’s a LOT if you told me ill be making more than 100+ content for jb i would’ve been like nah im too lazy for that lmao. but im really proud of myself this year! i think i pushed myself as an artist and i’ve familiarized myself more with my strengths as well as my weaknesses. i have a clear idea on the areas that i need to work on, and i’ve really gotten more comfortable with being happy with my own pieces and i’m trying not to put myself down more if something doesn’t go the way i want it to. also, i’ve had the opportunity to work with more people this year--so for the people who has commissioned me or IS commissioning me rn--- thank you so much for trusting me with your visions 😭😭 ive never expected to get this kind of reception with my art but i am very grateful for all of it.

anyway as for the tagging i tag -- @na-bruma-leve / @dreadwulf / @dilfjaime / @fawnilu BUT i would highly recommend you to come along and snatch this tag meme up like a little raccoon because we all should start being proud of our own works imo !!

#long post /#this whole ass essay is me gushing about myself how gemini can i be

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thefrostfallathenaeum · 4 years

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Of Ayahs and Missie Sahibs: Racist? Or simply a product of their time?

In other words: Rereading Frances Hodgson Burnett's works from the perspective of an Indian

From top to bottom:

1. Little Lord Fauntleroy (paperback without illustrations)

2. A Little Princess (paperback without illustrations)

3. The Secret Garden (paperback without illustrations)

4. A Little Princess (hardcover, illustrated in colour by Ethel Franklin Betts)

5. The Secret Garden (paperback, illustrated in colour by Inga Moore) This is a gorgeous edition

6. Little Lord Fauntleroy (harcover, illustrated in colour and B/W by Graham Rust) Beautiful edition, but is out of print

7. A Little Princess (hardcover, illustrated in colour and B/W by Graham Rust) Another lovely edition

Let me begin by telling you that 'The Secret Garden' has been a childhood favourite, so if I say anything against it, 'tis not because I hate it and I want others to dislike it too, quite the opposite. Now that we're done with that, onto business.

I first read 'The Secret Garden' when I was 7 or 8. It was this forest green paperback, printed on thin yellowish paper and tightly bound. There weren't any illustrations and the font was extremely small. Needless to say, it didn't deter me from finishing the book in 2 to 3 hours (I was a fast reader, still am, but only when it comes to reading stories), and because I enjoyed FHB's writing a lot, I decided to look for other books that she had authored, which led me to find 'A Little Princess' and 'Little Lord Fauntleroy'. Both of which I enjoyed quite a lot, although I thought that Fauntleroy was a bit too sweet, not because of his helpful nature, but because of how saccharinely innocent he was portrayed to be, but given that he was 7, I can look past it. A Little Princess was a class apart, I felt that Secret Garden didn't hold a candle to it, Sara was mature, but innocent. Thoughtful, but had a temper. And finally, had a beautifully vast imagination which was the life of the book.

What of the elephant in the room? The Secret Garden starts off in India, Mary Lennox is the daughter of a British officer posted in India and his young and beautiful wife. It's the pre-independence period, and as such, Indians are treated as second class citizens, and such is displayed in the book. Mary calling an Indian woman, 'a daughter of pigs', (Good heavens, that made me cringe so hard. I knew that Mary was the protagonist, but a protagonist without basic human decency? ) Cut to everyone dying of Cholera, Mary's parents, everyone else that lived in that house. Mary is sent to England after this, and that's where the story truly begins. Other than a few racist remarks about Indians, there isn't any mention of them in the book after that. So my question is, instead of being so overtly racist against Indians, couldn't Frances Hodgson Burnett just show that the story took place in British India? And yes, I do know that Mary was a horrible child in the beginning, and her behaviour was supposed to cement that. There were many other ways of showing such, for example, perhaps Burnett could've simply said that Mary flew in cold rages, complemented by an equally bad temper or yelled at the people taking care of her. But I'm not Burnett, so what can I say? Another issue, which bothers me is Mary's character arc, I agree that she helped Colin, and became friends with Dickon and was a better person for that. But Burnett could've also added a scene wherein she feels some sort of guilt or sorrow for how she treated her Indian companions. Instead, we get a scene wherein she talks about an Indian rajah (prince, that is) whose clothing was decorated with pearls and diamonds and other gem stones. Although, the part where she sings Colin to sleep with an Indian lullaby was very very sweet, I really liked that. Frances, my dear, couldn't you have added other similar scenes? :/

'A Little Princess', whose protagonist is the total opposite of Mary. Sara Crewe would've been happy to live in India with her father forever. But he sends her to a school in London, as it was said that Indian weather wasn't good for children (People believed a lot of strange things then, one of them being that skin colour made them superior to the other. Weird.) He sends her there and dies without a penny after 4 years, which leads to the headmistress turning Sara into a servant, and her struggles are depicted beautifully, her pain, her polite defiance, it's all magnificent. Coming back to the point of race, One one of the evenings in the attic that she was banished to live after her father died, as she watched a beautiful sunset, and Indian man with a monkey opens the window right opposite to her room, and the monkey escapes, that's when Sara speaks to him in 'Hindustani' which is most probably Hindi, I mean, how hard is it to know the names of Indian languages when you're writing about a girl that lived in India? But thankfully, there isn't any racism other than that, well, unless you count how Burnett described the Indian Lascar as a poor fellow. But I guess that was just a description of how miserable he felt because of the gloomy british weather, so we'll ignore that.

As for Little Lord Fauntleroy, there is no mention of India at all. Only of the US. The Earl, Cedric's Grandfather is described as a classist, (most probably racist) man who believes that everyone is out after his money. But that's a plot device and a character flaw. I wouldn't say there's any overt racism in this book.

So, what's the conclusion? 'The Little Princess' and 'Little Lord Fauntleroy' are good reads, even in present day, and the minor racism in TLP can be excused as a product of its time. On the other hand, The Secret Garden's first few chapters are overflowing with overt racism, and if children are reading it, they shouldn't be allowed to feel that Mary's actions and words are excusable by any means. That's all I've got to say, CHEERS!

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shownuxhyungwon · 3 years

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@minhyukie, @nervousnotion @memehyungwon and @coups mentioned me in their “content creator year in review” and I figured why not go through w it! c:

first creation and most recent creation in 2020: hyungwon on/off camera and misfortunes in the kitchen with changkyun... wow... gif making process really changed drastically for me this year...

one of your favorite creations from 2020: jooheon on body positivity/positivity in general hands down... I think about his message so often

a creation you’re really proud of: just some cute hyungwon faces bc this coloring? god I really am so proud of myself for this I did that... took me SO LONG to match the gifs but I love love love how it turned out :_____( !!!!!

a new style you tried this year and a gifset that uses it: I used the jiminfilter for the 1st time w a wonho open mind performance and I haven’t used it since... it was just a fun one! last year I was terrified of compilation sets and performance sets bc they’re so hard to color imo but this year I decided to challenge myself and ended up discovering that I genuinely LOVE compilation sets they take a while and coloring is something I always take forever on but when it all comes together it’s just... so nice :’( my fav was just some cute hyunghyuk moments and as for performances... I’m okay w them now... not my fav to gif but not as reluctant w them lol... fav was wonho open mind @ m!countdown

a creation that took you forever: shownu running to relieve his hangover and all the commotion it caused took me like 6 or 7 hours? w no breaks bc I got OBSESSED w working on it... it took me so long bc I had to screen record and encoding those frames took FOREVER plus having to tell everything that went down in 10 gifs was so difficult bc I had to compile multiple scenes in a single gif... and then I had to blur ALL! OF!! THAT!!! plus including text and then I got even more obsessed w making the set match and also the gif limit wasn’t as big as it is now and— suffice to say it would have taken more time but I realized how long I’d been working on it and had to let it go omg... it was stressful(ish) but overall I really liked how it turned out!!!!!

your creation from 2020 that received the most notes: wonho’s 2020 bday which is one of my all time favs from this year a lot of the tags mentioned the last 2 gifs and... yeah... it was easy to make but also incredibly emotional... but overall I’m so happy w the coloring and the scenes I ended up choosing!

a creation you think deserved more notes: I don’t really focus on notes tbh? I just srb queue sets and call it a day I’m just happy making gifs! plus I post too many sets anyways 😅

a new fandom you joined and a creation you made for it: wenee!!!!! I honestly really like the name wonho chose and I’ve made a couple of gifs of his time as a soloist and this set was of when he announced the fandom name! :’) and also I’ve liked nct for a few years now but this year I decided why not make a gif blog for them but I straight up forgot about it until a couple of days ago when I was cleaning my folders I saw an nct folder and was like OH... maybe I’ll start it up again lol

a creation that breaks your heart: 5 years with monsta x for sure... pain.

a simple creation that you really love: shownu w minggom... I think about this at least once a week... also smiley wonho during his 1st look interview brings me literal joy

a creation that was inspired by another one (add both your creation and the one that inspired it!): minhyuk’s 2020 bday was inspired by janice’s (@kihoseok) what happened in 1993? set which I love sm!!! 💓

a favorite creation created by someone else: @memehyungwon kihyun 2020 bday edit is SO PRETTY! I remember looking at it and my jaw literally dropped to the ground! :0 @minhyukie minhyuk��s firsts from 2020 blew me away as well! it’s just so beautiful and really nice to look at *-* @hyungkyun mx astrology changkyun aquarius set I looked at it and remember thinking “this is so wild” bc I really really was blown away by it! research queen!!!

some of your favorite creators from the year: in no particular order and ofc no need to do this if you don’t want to! I just love their gifs!!! @joohuns, @monxgifs, @minhyukie, @kihoseok, @coups, @hyungkyun

and for good measure, a couple creations of yours that you love: I’m shameless... these are my top 10... ck’s 2020 bday, jooheon and his love for beanies, jooheon as emoji’s, just some cute wonhyuk moments, favourite mxray s3 episodes/moments, black hair shownu (another fav coloring), jooheon and the Egg treasure hunt on mx is on holiday right now, kihyun + his love for dogs, mx love killa @ inkigayo and hyungwon on minhyuk’s 보그싶쇼 (ep. 17)

#WHEW WHAT A YEAR #tag game

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welcometoclass1ahell · 4 years

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Return The Favor: arachne!Sero x Female Reader

Welp this is my first try at writing something in forever. Last time I wrote I was like 16, so let’s see how this goes.. Good luck first post. Float around! Self note: Starts off too slow maybe and its a little jumbled? Might edit.

Prompt : Write about a character who finds an odd-looking egg in the forest. When they take it home, they never could have predicted what was inside it

Fantasy!Au

arachne!Sero (Jumping Spider) x Female Reader

Wandering into the deeper ends of the forest wasn’t exactly the plan, but when you saw a small dirt trail leading off the path curiosity stole all reasoning. It was just a simple walk you had planned afterall, what would a little detour hurt?

It was peaceful for a while, the forest light and cheerful. Signs of life were everywhere and you could feel the breeze coming through the branches freely. You hadn't noticed there was anything wrong until the birds had stopped singing and the breeze was getting colder, harsher, louder. Looking to the sky, the cheery light had started to dim through the thicker branches. It wasn’t until you heard branches snapping behind you that you felt instinct and fear ripple through your body that had you feeling like coming here was a mistake. Taking off in a sprint, you hurried deeper down the dark and unused path in hope that a clearer path would show.

Inhaling sharp breathes, you had pushed yourself to run faster as you heard paws behind you stomping into the ground. You pleaded in your mind for whatever there was out there to give you mercy and to spare you from whoever or whatever was chasing you. Lucky you, someone had heard your pitiful prayers. The path was nearing an end as you saw a dark cave surrounded by toadstools and marshy looking grass. Hopping into the entrance of the cave, you felt as if you were going to collapse from the lack of air. You were afraid to wander into a cave but also from whatever was chasing you.

Which reminded you, why weren’t you being pounced on yet? Turning slowly, you eyed what had been chasing you with fear. A dark haired wolf was growling and snapping at you but it was odd for it to not come closer. It was then you noticed it wouldn’t dare enter the half circle of toadstools around the cave. Rather it sat, looking curiously onwards towards the entrance.

Looking back forward with dread, you had realized you were stuck between this cave and wolf and quite frankly you weren’t going to pick the large wolf who was ready to gobble you up as soon as you walked out the circle.

“No turning back now,” You whispered to no one but yourself to try and give yourself the courage to take a step. Moving forward hesitantly towards the entrance you peeked your head in and gave a small laugh of relief. It was just a small cave with nothing inside but for an odd looking stone in the middle of...webs? Walking over to center of the cave, you crouched down and took a strand of the webs between your fingers, rubbing the silky threads between your fingers before looking at the oval in front of you.

Biting your lip, you reached for the smooth object, pulling at the webs that seemed to be covering it to discover with a light gasp that it was not a stone! It was an egg! “Odd looking egg though,” you mumbled as you ran your hand over it. It was smooth, sure, but it had a spongy feeling to it as well. Curiosity had taken over again as you rolled the egg towards the light and took a closer inspection to it. It was white for the most part if it wasn’t for the black swirls all around it. The patterns were pretty, hypnotizing almost. Taking a look around you also noticed the wolf had finally gone and there wasn’t a sign of it coming back. Or anything really.

“Will anyone come back for you?” You asked to the egg before laughing lightly as no response was given. “What an odd predicament, what to do with you?” You mumbled as your hands rubbed over the egg once more, giving small warmth to whatever creature was inside. You wanted to take this egg with you but with the sheer size you wouldn’t know how to get it out of this forest. It was also getting dark real fast.

“Surely staying here in this cave wouldn’t be too dangerous. Once it’s morning I could go fetch some sort of wheelbarrow,” You mused not wanting to leave the egg out here alone. Deciding it would be safer to make way to home in the morning, you started to collect dry leaves and sticks, setting up a small campfire at the mouth of the cave, trusting that whatever had scared the wolf off would also intimidate other creatures from wandering too close. Sparking up a fire, you huddled close to the egg, trusting the environment around you once again too much as you drifted off to sleep.

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Waking up to something nudging you wasn’t the first thing you expected. The second thing you weren’t expecting was for coal like eyes staring back into your own gentle eyes. “W-What?” You gasped scrambling to sit up but as your hand reached back, it had squished into something gooey. A cold shiver went down your spine at the feeling and brought your hand to see a white substance coating your fingers. Scrunching up your nose in disgust you looked down to notice the egg cracked open.

Quickly realizing that whatever was in the egg was now out, you turned to look back at the creature in front of you. There was a boy, rather part of a boy blinking curiously yet caringly at you. Where his torso would have met a pair of legs, a black spider like body replaced that. White patterns swirled around his back and down to the tips of the spider legs which started to move, or jump towards you.

“H-Hey,” You breathed out as one of his hands had poked at your cheeks causing a nervous yet kind smile to form on your lips. “You remind me of a jumping spider,” You joked to him which only caused him to blink again before smiling back. Assuming he couldn’t understand you considering he just hatched, you let out a small sigh before standing up. This was a rather difficult problem you had on your hands. You sort of recognized what he was after a moment of thought and knew if you brought him to your village, the people wouldn’t be happy at this monster living among them. You had different views, nothing was truly a monster at first, at least that’s what you thought.

Deciding to give it a try, you could try and sneak your new little friend into your home which was thankfully not too far into the village. “Come on then,” You smiled down at the boy and patted your leg as a show to follow before walking out, the smell of ash hitting your nose as you walked past the now put out fire.

Walking through the forest felt different now with the spider boy at your heels, following you intently. Maybe, you thought, just maybe this little creature thought you were its mother which you felt endeered. You never managed to find yourself a nice partner to settle down with kids, not that you were seeking anyway. Here you were walking out the forest with a spiderling boy following you now and you didn't seem to mind that this is where fate had led you. Getting closer to the path of your village, you glanced down at the boy who smiled up at you whenever you looked at him,”You know, I should probably think of a name,” You mumbled at him as you lead him towards the back of the village, keeping an eye out for anyone who might accidentally see. At this moment you were happy for the silence the boy brought with him.

After a few minutes of pausing and going between buildings, you had managed to hide the small boy behind you and led him into your small house tucked away at the back, surrounded by a high wall of bushes to keep your privacy. Locking the door behind you, you smiled at the boy once more before going to your room to find a blanket of some sort. Maybe he would appreciate that for now considering you didn’t know what he liked. “Man, what am I doing,” You giggled looking at the spiderling who was now looking through your possessions in a curious manner. ��I just...didn’t wanna leave an egg, all by itself. Especially not now that he is hatched…,” You reasoned with yourself. The more you thought into this the more questions came to mind of how you would even care for him. Feed him even!

“Meat, clearly, that's what you need huh?” You questioned as you grabbed a light fur blanket from your bed and draped it over his shoulders before making your way to your kitchen, looking through your supplies. Thankfully you had preserved some meat with salt from yesterday. Picking up your leftovers, you eyed the boy who had now followed you to the kitchen and eyed the meat you were holding, his lips coming open to reveal his top fangs in hunger, “Here you go,” You hummed placing it down onto the table in front of him curious as to what he would do.

Almost savagely, the boy had ripped at the raw meat, gnawing through the flesh as if it were nothing, sucking on the bones after. You had watched in silence, knowing fear is what you should have felt rather than content as if you had watched your own son eat a meal. “How about….Sero...would you like to be called Sero?” You questioned to which the newly named Sero looked up, holding still for a moment before repeating the new name.

“S...Sero,” He hissed out before squinting up to you, a huge smile etched across your face in proudness. Oh if only you knew how fast this boy learned and grew.

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You had fed and taught Sero but hadn't been prepared to watch how fast he actually grew. Within two weeks of having him stay in your home, he had already become the size of a teenager, yet slightly bigger. His speech matched up to one as well. “You’re back late,” He greeted you one night which had halted you in your tracks after swinging your door shut. “Sero! I thought you’d be asleep by now! I had to make a run to the market, didn’t think it would take so long,” You said as you hauled the meat you were carrying to the counter. “The butcher was getting curious, he wanted to know why I was buying so much meat now, especially in two weeks,” You rambled on which had the spider-man grinning lazily at you.

“Then you should just let me hunt, Mom,” He teased, knowing being called a parental figure still put a halt to your steps. You weren’t used to it, but at the same time you weren’t used to having a small boy growing into almost adulthood within two weeks. “S’ not like I don’t anyway,” He added, which had you turning on your heels with worry real fast.

“Sero! I thought I told you to at least tell me if you were leaving! I don’t like keeping you here all the time, but if….if my people find out,” You began which had you biting your lip. You didn’t like worrying him, nor did you want to seem like you were threatening him, “What I mean is...humans...aren;t nice,” You rambled and hadn't noticed the shadow which had jumped behind you into the kitchen.

“Hey, relax!,” Sero smirked as he looked at the meat on the counter, startling you to turn around and watch him examine the meals you had brought. Taking his pick at the chicken to munch on first, he took a bite before looking back at you, ”I wouldn’t let anyone see me. I go while you’re sleeping. Nights are easy to navigate,” He reminded you as his coal colored eyes stared into your worried ones wanting to reassure you. You always worried for him, it was cute. Watching you tend to his needs, run around for errands, taking care of the house as well. It made his animalistic instincts want to take you as a mate, but he didn’t want to make a move. Not so soon.

Puffing your cheeks out into a huff, you rolled your eyes but relaxed anyway, taking some of the meat yourself as you started to cut it up wanting to cook a meal for yourself as well, “I’d just appreciate it if you would let me know, I’d feel better that way,” You advised as Sero had now taken on a book and settled on the floor by you as he ate his chicken,” Yeah, Yeah, I know,” He brushed off.

Looking down at him, you started to feel a little bad. He sure did grow a lot. He barely fit in the house which you had planned to keep him safe. You couldn’t help but feel as if maybe him sneaking out was his release of feeling free, and spacious. “Hey, Sero,” You began and smiled as he hummed back acknowledging that he was listening. Staring back at the bits of meat you were cutting up you bit your lip to find the right words to say,” You know, maybe...maybe being outside is what you need anyway. This house sure is getting small for you, I wouldn’t want you feeling trapped,” You mumbled to which Sero looked up from his book quickly.

There was a glint of slight anger in his eyes but as he gazed upon your expression, he saw that you were really worried, not trying to be rid of him. “Ah, well it is getting cramped,” He agreed and stood up, disposing of the chicken bones into the basket you had to collect them. You liked using them to make bone meal for your plants outside. “I could set back up in the cave you found me in, but you’d have to visit me,” Sero offered up a deal to which you sweetly smiled back at him, “And why wouldn't I not visit you?” You questioned back which was all you needed to say to have him grinning back.

It had only been a few more days before Sero had bid his goodbyes for now to go make himself at home in the cave you had found him in. Sadly for you, your house never seemed more emptier. It only had been two weeks with the fast growing spiderling, but it was enjoyable to watch the creature grow into such a handsome one. You had kept with your agreement and visited him whenever you could and as the days went flying by, you both were as inseparable as the day you had met. Before you knew it, it had been months since you had seen him as hatchling. Now? You saw a huge man with a strong body and eight swift jumping legs to go with them. He towered over you as he greeted you at the front of the cave with a cheeky grin as always,” You're late,” He would say staring down at you to which you would only smile in return,”Nosy neighbors,” you bantered back.

It would be a lie to say he wasn’t attractive to you. You had to keep reminding yourself that though he towered over you, he was still younger. Sero could tell that's what you thought too. He may have been almost a year old, but his anatomy and mental anatomy was so much different to humans. He was a grown man now! Matured way older than his little companion. It annoyed him to think that you would still think of him of anything but a man. A mate even. “(Y/N)” He drawled out as he watched you make himself comfortable in his webs, “I’ve been thinking,” He started approaching you, almost trapping you with his legs on his web,” I’ve met with my own kind here and there now, I’ve learned a lot. You know i'm fully grown now, yeah?” He hummed watching as you looked up with those kind eyes,”Of course, and I’m happy you are Sero! You grew up really fast!” You replied light heartedly which kept Sero in a good mood.

“Yeah, but you know we also would have chosen a mate by now,'' He added, which had you stiffen up right, looking worriedly at him,”Really?! Have I been in the way? I’m sorry Sero!” You immediately apologized causing the black haired male to laugh, a few of his eight limbs coming up to hug his own spider like body as well,

“No! No! You could never be in the way (Y/N), actually quite the opposite,” He said in a chilled manner and jumped up onto the cave ceiling to hang down at you as he started to web up the place more, hanging down right in front of you till he was mere inches from your face causing a light pink dust to settle across your cheeks to which he enjoyed.

“What do you mean?” You asked in a hushed tone as he grinned wider, a hand coming down to cup your right cheek, rubbing a thumb across the soft flesh,” I was hoping you’d be my mate! You’d be perfect for me,” He cooed out, a dark look making its way to his eyes but never his smile. He was hoping you wouldn’t reject him as he read your face. It was flushing all sorts of red for him which made him smile even wider.

“I-....Sero,” You started and bit your lip as you thought hard, your nose scrunching up in thought, a feature he loved. “I’m older than you,” You protested, “And a human!” You reasoned. You would love to be his mate deep down, but you had morals and questions and so much thinking to do.

“(Y/N)...I’m older than you at this point, my species do happen to grow up a lot faster,” Sero chuckled and watched you squirm in his web as you tried to find the right words to say,” Just stay here with me, let me take care of you like you took care of me,” He whispered and leaned in closer to leave a small kiss on your nose,” I’ll take good care of you, you have nothing else to look forward to anyway,” He pointed out and as you took a deep breathe you didn’t see a lie in his words.

Once again curiosity took hold as you looked at the new path before you. Reaching up you took a hold of his cheeks and smiled back, hypnotized again by the same swirls his eyes held compared to the egg you found in the very same cave, “Okay...I’ll be your mate,” you answered back which had Sero’s heart soaring high. He’d now get a chance to repay you for all of your hard work.

#bnhaxreader #sero x reader #seroxreader #mhaxreader #BeesFirstPost #idkwhatimdoingbutherewegoooo

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starryallnight · 3 years

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content creator year in review~!! i was tagged by the very lovely @haoranghae and @soft-pentagon (thanks for tagging me!) ♡♡

first creation in 2020:

i actually started proper gif making this year! my first set ever.. it’s pretty rough looking back on it... but it’s this set i made of Kino dancing along to Shine+Spring Snow on KiSing Booth!

most recent creation of 2020:

my last set was this! it’s of Hongseok and Hui for HONG Seasons #3~

one of your favorite creations from 2020:

this one! it’s nothing special and it’s not the best thing i’ve made but i just really love painter hyunggu...

a creation you’re really proud of:

probably my 2ggu Move set! this one definitely took the longest to make but i was pretty happy with how it turned out

a new style you tried this year and a work that uses it:

well everything was new for me lol but this set i made for PTG’s 4th anniversary. i did a lot of photoshopping to make the frames for the gifs!

a creation that took you forever:

other than Move since i mentioned that already.. this only took forever because it was my second time doing text posts but the set i made for NU’EST LOVE Story.

your creation from 2020 that received the most notes:

i believe it’s my Yuto on speaking satoori (ft. Wooseok) set!

a creation you think deserved more notes:

one of the edit attempts i did where i played with coloring.. it’s this basquiat set where i did b&w and when kino says “lights on” it turns into color (it looks better on desktop... on the app it’s a little pixel-y)

a new fandom you joined and a creation you made for it:

this is the only blog i have and i’ve been pretty dead set in my fandoms for a couple years now.. i’m a Universe (PTG) and L.O.Λ.E (NU’EST).. but i don’t gif enough NU’EST (although anyone who has every talked to me on tumblr has had to go through me promoting them like crazy lolol sorry about that to all my mutuals ANYWAYS not the point.. after a year or two of just being a fan i did finally become a Carat (Seventeen) this year!!!!!!

a creation you made that breaks your heart:

i couldn’t choose between the two but i translated NU’EST Baekho’s Produce 101 experience (how his votes were manipulated) and PTG Hongseok explaining why PTG was crying during their Shine+Spring Snow performance..

a ‘simple’ creation that you really love:

hmmm.. my NU’EST for Arena Homme+ set! (really because they’re visual kings.. and i liked this photoshoot)

a creation that was inspired by another one:

idk i can’t pick one.. i always see gif sets and think to myself that i want to do something like that. really all the creators on here that i have interacted with one way or another are so talented!!

a favorite creation created by someone else:

again so hard to pick.. seriously love everything on here... but @soft-pentagon ‘s KiSing Booth set is something that comes into mind (this is one of my favorite Hyunggu KiSing Booth quotes and i’m so glad Alex had made it into a set!!)

some of your favorite content creators from the year

oh goodness how am i suppose to choose?! when i say i love all the creators i interact it (whether it’s people i talk to or people i have liked/reblogged stuff from) i genuinely love everything they do♡♡

i’m tagging @monunivers @antihongseok-network @kihno and anyone else who wants to do it!

#2020 content creator year in review #tagged #other

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stray-tori · 3 years

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An Innocent Sin & the good gay flashback ft. my descent into madness

I wasn’t sure if I should post this but I mostly want it archived so here we go. This is from like,, September?

So. “An Innocent Sin” is a dumpster fire unlike anything I’ve ever seen. I don’t remember why I decided to read it. maybe I was crazy. Either way... I read it. It soon started to touch upon (very very outlandish) sexual abuse which I thought was interesting. (the angst, not so much some of the wack circumstances surrounding it)

ANYWAY. at some point... we have a flashback. And not just that. It has a gay character.

And it turns rly gay. which mind you, is still in a het smut manwha (that has a “gay” side couple, but still!)

And it destroyed me.

For those who want to read it because I genuinely think the flashback is a decent bit, it’s all the bonus chapters between chapter 77 and 78 I think. There’s a part before that too, but idk where exactly anymore. (It’s on lezhin! or your platform of choosing)

I don’t THINK you’ll need any other knowledge to get the flashback bit? but it’s been a while.

Below the cut (rip mobile users), you can read all of my amazing reactions (all of these were text messages, for context - but I took most of the replies and convos about other things out). Post is also tagged as long post. :))

(i’m serious, this is fucking long)

__________

Here I am. Liking the gay flashback character. Feck. Main dude is still straight but idk it's cute pff

This is a mess. The girl white hair likes, likes black hair, maybe, but thinks white hair is attractive

What just happened is sth I'd like to know too pff He's so cute tho omg. Watch me melt Can we stay in this flashback before everything got perverted af and before white hair gets assaulted all the time I would send an eyebrow emote if I could Context: he's asking he says it again

Ik it's not mutual but loookkk he's so sweet. He's kinda rude in present time, can't we stay in this flashback forever

I never asked for gay, never expected gay but I got gay

This story is trash why am I still reading it shdhhd

He caught his mom cheating. And now she's forcing him to watch??? What is thissss Well adoptive mom But still sudhdidu what Bitch how dare YOU exist

Save my babyyyy

Yay sister that's not yet a rapist to the rescueee

This flashback is actually just nicer in every way let's just stay here This is a super long flashback btw Idek anymore what triggered it

Okay I think I'm gonna make the sensible decision and let this dumpster fire rest and just go sleep

It was very wild. I kinda wanna see white hair get therapy but it has 90 chapters and I'm at like 30... So I'm very concerned this is gonna be very dragged out. Idek if it's even finished ahahsududi - but I do kinda wanna see where it goes and see more cute Noah (white hair) so. Here we are.

yeahhh like i was down for the sexual abuse angst but then the mother killed the adoptive son's mother bc the dad had a thing for her?? and it was someone a person studying with white hair knew and so he's investigating and I'm like how did this turn into a crime organisation kind of plot

hhhhhhh i... i appreciate these horny things also tackling abuse but it always kind of gives me weird vibes to have both, especially when its very horny. And when people are horny to people who've been abused. Idk but I'd assume... you might try NOT to tie them up if they're frequently bondaged during their assaults. I'm just.... disjdksdj hello?? am i weird?? why are they fine with it???

also this manwha is so wild, theres this murder mystery investigation thing and then theres just a couple doing honry stuff sprinkled in between and i'm like OKAY

they rescued a guy in their basement and he's understandably very traumatized and they're trying to question him cut to our main couple trying bondage which i still dont understand bECAUSE HE'S A RAPE VICITM WHY ARE YOU OKAY WITH THIS the ones questioning arent the main couple of course but idshkjds

like im glad he's somehow okay with all this horny stuff despite his trauma and im glad he can be happy and have a nice relationship but DO WE NEED THIS MUCH OF IT he's very cute tho

i like that even when i try other stuff lezhin recommends me it still has large amount of gay in it

[mei: i mean... that's pretty great, if you ask me]

I mean I agree, I'm enjoying the gay eheheh these tonal whiplashes there's not even that much white space between the panels fhjd nvm it just turned horny goddamn it can there be 1 chapter without fucking? okay, there were the flashbacks

WE ARE BACK IN FLASHBACKS but im not getting the gay relationship, sad

OH WAIT AM I GETTING GAY COMFORT bc thats very good too

OH NNOOO this turned sad very quickly

I'M SORRY IM SPAMMING BUT THIS IS JUST ANGSTY

I'M :((((

different species confirmed

I rly like them :((( I like the current girl too but it's just..... very horny with her. the flashbacks are nice [current tori edit: she’s very unloyal idk why i said I liked her] im weird HHHHH RIPPP

someone help him he looks so saddddd

not sure if thats the most healthy relationship but I'LL TAKE IT

AWWW black hair's mom cooks mild food for them bc Noah can't eat spicy food :((( im soft

PFFF

I LOVE THE FLASHBACKS :(((

awww

i feel like theyve done much more bonding than noah's current relationship. I mean yes I think its cute when she comforts him, too, but they rarely do anything besides be horny together

OH OH THEY'RE KISSING

best buildup, honestly

the position is hornier than I'd like later here goes hope it stays cute

D-did someone just respect the word "stop"??? I am amazed

i think you might uh. have some trauma stuff too so yknow

Dohye is a little dramatic in his reassurance but it's all rly cute so I'm :(( I like them a lot pls stay like this getting invested in flashbacks is always like: ik it wont stay but pls stay like this

hELP

chapters ending in "i wanna touch him" is never good. I'm scared. Oh okay he didnt do anything. PHEW. He's already better than the girl, can't they just end up together lmao

[Noah was jealous]

w-why do you look so evil dohye haukdhjs

oh. oh no. the horny is starting. pls dont... just be cute forever

DOHYE NO YOU WERE SO DECENT WHY ARE YOU LYING ABOUT KOREAN TRADITIONS TO GET HIM TO DO STUFF HORNY STUFF TOO NO PLS STOP I JUST- WHEEE TvT the manwha is actually less visually horny in the flashbacks but im not sure if its bc its BL which isnt rly the genre of the manwha or if its bc they're still kids basically, which... I'd respect the latter, tho I'd prefer it to be like this constantly haha

okay. he's not respecting stop anymore, but it's also more of embarrassed nature more than "no i dont want this stop" so maybe i can forgive it. Still losing points, but he hugged him and it was sweet so HHHHHHHHHHH NOT SURE HOW I SHOULD JUDGE THIS SITUATION

They [Noah’s family] forbid him to visit his friends house I AM DEVASTATED

understandable they're a rapist, a fucked up murderer mother and a father with a thing for younger women so

tho he dont know any of that but yknow he's so pretty just fucking end me on the spot

hooo

they are boyfriends and ik from the future that his sister is gonna ruin it allll she has those drugs that make visual imaginations feel like they rly happened to the person (dont know if thats real but holy fuck its terrifying) and she's used it before to say that Noah assualted her. and im pretty sure shes gonna use it again bc there was a panel of Noah remembering Dohye being uhhhh intimate with her and thats why Noah began to hate him and im so sad im not ready for it. bc he's denied it in the future and i honestly couldnt see it happening even before that or she drugged Dohye, i guess thats a possibility too

[current tori: oh girl, it’s neither and it’s wack]

which if, btich you gonna die even more enough rambling, more reading. this makes me so sad but also spicy

on the manwha note, he thinks Noah doesnt like his family bc he's adopted and doesnt feel comfy which....... fair enough i suppose. and he's so cute im gonna melt just looK AT THIS

SHUt UP, IM GONNA CRY

OH MY GODDDD he ate like ice and gum and all that, and Dohye assumed it was bc of the more spicy food and got rl worried, but he was just trying to get the smell out of his breath bc he wanted to kiss him ukhsdjs HOW CAN YOU BE SO CUTE HELLLOOOOOOOOO

look at them. LOOK AT mY BABIESSSS

how am i ever gonna care about the main couple again aww he-he wanted to go to the same highschool as him :((( im sad bc i know its not gonna happennnnnn

[mei: also at this point, you're literally never gonna care about them. i don't even know the main couple that well and i honestly don't care about them whatsoever.]

WAIT NO they're actually going to the same school awww ik it wont take long until sister fucks it up for them but for now theyre so sweet ohmygodddd

cant he move in with them, fuck his family honestly

dohye he's not a fucking pokemon iukhsdjs

oh. its. turning horny i am displeased with this development but i guess its natural for their relationship however COULD YOU DO IT AT HOME AND NOT IN SOME DUSTY SMALL ROOM how do ppl do this i like that the comments too are just "... is anyone still carng about the other girl?" sakjds

this is the best 3 panels in existence.

h-he just took your hand dohye idk what to tell you

[mei: "you blush at everything i do" god if that isn't me, idk what is]

awww its cute dohye is getting bonus points bc he invited Noah over while his mom wasnt home, they watched some sexual stuff and he DIDNT try to do anything what is this where can i get more of this

"well im not okay"

MY BABIESSSS

they still didnt do much btw they're just kinda exploring and its honestly nice TvT I dont want this to ever endddd

[Dohye sees Noah’s sister and approaches her] N O

N OOOO

this is the starttttt of something.......... TERRIBLEEEE

:((( babyyyy

I AM EMO

Noah was drugged im sure. hes having dreams and waking up in pain and the sister is asking doyhe over I DONT LIKE THISSSSSSS OH HE DECLINED

OKAY OKAY he saw him with her again but it was from behind and im not sure if it rly happened??? oh no this is terrible. Noah :((( poor child

i am so emo about this

[reminder he’s been abused TvT]

[the sister: “Don’t you want to know why?”]

i will. murder someone he called to ask her to delete his number btw what is this manwha but this is just gonna make it that more tragic when whatever happens that breaks them apart :(((

he's such a good bf but Noah just wont TELL him his side I'M SO SAD

I AM SO SAD

It cant end im actually tearing up nooo you were so cuteeee and happpyyy

[*sister is telling dohye to come to the gym hall*]

what else is she gonna do she already teared [current tori: ahem... T O R E] them apart THAT'S NOT DOYhE. THATS NEVER HIM. OH MY GOD. is it a look alike??? damn, she's dedicated to just. ruining it, huh

I’M

I’M SO SAD

now he's switching SCHOOLS NO NOOOOO how will i ever find happiness againnnn NO they're misunderstanding further they're not talking properly i mean i get it but oh my god

I'M :(((

NO NOOOO pls make up in the future at least omg he tried to clear it up tooo ahhh i dont even have hopes for them getting back together but i just i want them to clear it up im crying first manwha to make me cry and it's this dumpster fire ahaha maybe a little too bc it kinda hit a little close to home i guess but goddamnn ittttt they were so cuteee and so happy and AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

OH NO. Noahs getting drugged and assaulted. And he's realizing it happened before, he just forgot. I am. so sad it's not horny drawn either which i appreciate but MY HEART NO

N O DONT YOU DARE MAKE THIS WORSE

Im. gonna cry more

Doyhe kept an eye on him im so emo :(( but he thought he was doing well enough and gave up.... Im im so sad no i want you to make up and get back together its all just a stupid........... MEHHHH will i ever find sth like this flashback again

[mei: p-probably not, no]

i am so devasted i dont even wanna go back to the main couple just fucking. i want this relationship back :(((( but i guess the investigation might end up somewhere so hhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhh the baker manwha had a similar flashback feeling so. i just gotta find more of that haha

BUT THIS WAS SO SAD??? im so emo

[Dohye got kidnapped // the flashback commentary stops here but I think my descend into madness is pretty funny too]

OH YEAH THAT HAPPENED. THE FLASHBACK WAS SO LONG I FORGOT. NOOOO SAVE HIM. JESUS CHRIST PLS JUST ONE GOOD THING

its. actually rly smart to have another, more focused on them flashback, before the arc where he gets kidnapped by the rapist murder household so. good job. from a meta perspective but also NO but also. maybe theres hope for them making up at least after all :(((

[main couple kissing] this is. very weird now. but im glad he has someone, he deserves it but dohyeeeee

and switching to sex, YET AGAIN now i wanna see this EVEN LESS THAN I DID BEFOREEEE it's even.... a threesome now with one of the other characters why are you like this why can't you be. like in the flashback i am so upset HAHHHHH WHEEEZEEEE

I am just stop fucking jesus christ PLEASE I DONT WANNA SEE IT ANYMOREEEEE

im just stop the horny pls just tell me who that new guy is and why doyhe likes him so much

[mei: this manwha is a fucking mess but at least we got your lovely commentary out of it]

dhsuksj thanks i feel honored at least i got cute BL out of it before everything went [back] to shit

[mei: THAT TOO]

[...]

tbh im getting kinda mad about doyhe... i dont... feel like he'd just fall instantly for a guy who looks like Noah... but eh not my character

i just want closure for dohye at this point, fuck everything else ... not literally pls theres already too much of that

pls get it together for like 1 chapter is the investigation even still happening i am so confused save dohye plEASE wait what i have less than 10 episodes left Dont tell me this shit isnt even wrapped up yet

[Dohye is having a breakdown over the Noah double not coming to see him anymore]

yeah i this... doesnt feel like Dohye... at all... Even when Noah was rejecting him he was just kind of... taking it with some humor and maybe he was a little desperate and risky sometimes but... oh well... i do want him to get better but... im having a hard time believeing this development??? he never seemed overly anxious or anything. but who knows what else they did to him. Sister can still go fuck off tho

[...]

i mean. i liked the flashbacks a lot honestly??? it stayed simple and focused on the dynamics and less trying to balance smut with murder plots

[dm partner: NO THAT'S WHAT I MEAN LIKE CLEARLY THE AUTHOR CAN MAKE A GOOD STORY SO I'M JUST... CONFUSED AS TO WHY THEY DIDN'T STICK WITH SOME SOFT, FLUFFY BL ROMANCE MANWHA AND DECIDED TO MAKE WHATEVER THIS IS INSTEAD ]

okay i dont care bc dohye is currently getting assaulted nobody asked for this why i just. this is terrible. he was... so sweet. he doesnt deserve this. nobody does of course but jesus christ pls someone save him at least its not horny visually, one saving grace

ah... the assult is back to being depicted horny-ly thank you for nothing

[... removed some general confusion about the plot]

YES. SOME SHIP FOOD.

i am. suffering i mean i cant stop but GOD

okay so apparantly. the sister. has just an arsenal of people who look like other people Dohye, then Noah... and even Noah's GF??? this is ridiculous??

one good message

why

did you feel the need to add that [actual tired rage]

im gonna die this manwha is gonna kill me im laughing but im suffering oh hes arrested great and thats the end and the last update was in january of this year

why AS IN NOAH IS ARRESTED nobody who actually did anything is arrested What is this why is this AHHH I at least wanted the complete-ness of finishing this but now I'M JUST SUFFERING

[ mei: I MEAN TO BE FAIR I'D BE SUFFERING TOO BC JUST... WHAT THE FUCK I HAVE?? MANY QUESTIONS?? AND MANY CONCERNS BC THIS MANWHA IS JUST... AN EXPERIENCE ]

its an experience allright WELL

_______________

yup that’s it.

in my head, in a twist of events Dohye and Noah make up and are actual endgame. Something like that must exist out there but I won’t ask because it’d destroy the surprise and ruin the point.

That’s it.

Have a nice day.

#an innocent sin #dohye x noah #noah x dohye #long post #tori talks #tori has opinions #reactions #yes I do this often in our dms #poor mei #toriqueue

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snarkwrites · 3 years

Text

12 | gangsta; sweetpea

NOTES:

It's been a while. I've had these two chapters written for a while now but I haven't had time to sit down, edit them a little better and post them. Since I have time now, I thought I'd go ahead and do that, whether you guys asked for these next two chapters or not.

Sorry this took forever! Sorry I'm so slow, I've been settling into a new house and taking care of some IRL stuff / taking a little break. I swear, I'm going to update everything sooner or later. >.>

I love you guys.

WARNINGS:

NON/ LOOSE CANON COMPLIANCE - this is the biggest warning, so if you’re into things that follow exact canon plot you are… definitely not going to like this. ANGST & SLOW BURN, HEAVY SEXUAL TENSIONSTARTING NOW, ACTUALLY - this is just so everyone who started reading this thinking the smut would transpire in a hurry knows that apparently, it is not. VIOLENCE / SWEARING & FIGHTING, POSSIBLE UNDERAGE DRINKING AND OTHER SHENANIGANS- look.. it’s high school. shit happens. also apparently, my ofc Alyssa uses the word fuck like all the time?…EVENTUAL SEXUAL CONTENT / A VIRGIN ORIGINAL CHARACTER- this one is self explanatory. yes, i plan to write a smutty chapter in this at some point. when? i don’t rightly know. it’s got a while before we get there. STALKER TW - this chapter marks the true appearance of Alyssa's ex, Dave Novak. It's hinted heavily that he's a gross asshole who likes to play mind games.

If you're under 18+, probably not a good or wise idea to continue reading this series. Because there are going to be a few dark and adult themes within. I'll warn here, of course, but you need to understand that I don't control you. If you continue to read after having read the warnings and you're upset or don't like something... Totally on you, friend.

PAIRING:

Andrews!Sibling OFC x Sweet Pea.

TAGGING:

@brithedemonspawn is the only person on my Riverdale tag list. If you want to be added, the link to do so is below.

OTHER PARTS:

ONE - TWO - THREE - FOUR - FIVE - SIX - SEVEN - EIGHT - NINE - TEN- ELEVEN - soundtrack

OTHER STUFF:

[ about my writing - tag list doc ]

T W E L V E.

[773 - 589 - 7956] attachment

[773 - 589 - 7956] I think I decided how you can repay me, scarlet…

[773 - 589 - 7956] Better enjoy your quiet and happy little life while you still have it, scarlet. Because soon it’s all going to be ripped right out of your pretty little hands.

[773 - 589 - 7956] That boyfriend of yours isn’t even gonna be able to save you this time, scarlet. You’re mine.

[773 - 589 - 7956] See you soon, scarlet.

Each new text that came in had me tensing up. Careful to keep my phone out of sight of anyone who was nearby. My heart was about to beat right out of my chest and my stomach felt like it sank to the floor. I was barely listening to anything being said around me and I guess it was more obvious than I thought because Toni cleared her throat, nodding to the phone in my hand.

Gazing at me in concern.

“Everything okay? You look like you’re going to be sick.”

“Yeah,yeah. Everything is fine.” I lied. I think at that particular point in time, I was just trying to convince myself that this was all some kind of bad dream. Or worst case scenario, Dave was making empty threats.

Toni eyed me suspiciously. I tried to give her a convincing smile, but I’d have had to be an idiot to even think for a second that she believed me. She eyed my phone and reached for it. I managed to shove it in my pocket.

“Trust me.” I pleaded. She gave me a wary look and sighed, grumbling “Fine, okay. Alright.” under her breath.

And I did my best to push the texts out of my head. Jumping in the conversation she had going on with Cheryl and Veronica. Laughing and talking as if nothing were wrong.

Lying through the skin of my teeth.

XXX

“What’s got you so jumpy?”

The question caught me off guard. I wanted to tell someone what was going on, I really did, but… I didn’t want to worry anyone, either. I was at least 99.9 percent sure that there was absolutely no way that Dave would show up in Riverdale, at least that’s what I was hoping.

I did my best to play it off. Shoveling french fries into my mouth just so I didn’t have to answer right away. My cell phone lit up and I flinched before I could stop myself.

Toni reached for it and I quickly grabbed it and shoved it in my pocket. She gave me a concerned look and I muttered quietly, “Probably just Reggie...again.”

“Reggie’s with that new girl though?” Cheryl spoke up. Gazing at me thoughtfully. My breath caught in my throat because if anyone would catch on to there being something truly wrong with me or something off in the way I was acting, it’d be her or Polly.

So far, I’d managed to fool everyone else into thinking I was alright, even my dad and my brother.

,, Dave won’t come here, it’s not worth the hassle. He’s just playing mind games. That’s all this is. Pull yourself together.” the thought came and I managed a smile, shrugging.

“You’ve been acting weird all week, now that I’m thinking about it.” Cheryl was the one who said it and she gave me an expectant look. Waiting.

“I have not.”

,, I do have one secret I can spill. Maybe if I tell them about my crush on Sweetpea…” and so that’s what I did. Sighing as I reached for the shared plate of fries between the three of us. Raking my fries through my vanilla milkshake and taking a few deep breaths to kind of collect myself, both from Dave’s harassing texts and what I was finally about to get off my chest about having feelings for Sweetpea.

“You have. Start talking.” Toni spoke up, watching me. Sizing me up. If I had to guess, I’d pin money on her sitting across the booth, trying to figure out what was up with my jumpy attitude all week.

“Okay, alright. Fine. But what I’m about to tell you two does not leave this table, okay? It.. It can’t. If Sweetpea ever found out, pretty sure he’d start avoiding me and things would get weird.”

Toni and Cheryl exchanged a look and then Toni nodded. Chewing a mouthful of fries as she muttered calmly, “Go on.”

“ I may or may not have a crush on Sweetpea.”

“Oh, you definitely have a crush on him. It’s kind of obvious.” Cheryl gave a soft teasing grin and I sighed. Dragging my hand through my hair and taking a few seconds to let her words sink in. I almost dreaded asking, but I felt like I had to given that she said it was obvious. “Oh god.. He doesn’t suspect anything.. Right?”

“Oh, he’s the only one whose oblivious. But the rest of us, we’ve known a while.” Toni teased me. Then asked calmly, “Is that all? Why’s that have you so jumpy?”

“Because I know how bad I am at hiding things, okay? I was kind of… I dunno, freaking out I guess.” I eyed her, waiting. Searching her face in the hopes that she accepted what I said and didn’t keep pushing. A few seconds passed and she laughed softly. Took a sip of her strawberry milkshake and asked with a smirk, “Are you gonna do anything about it?”

“Probably not. Every time I even think about it, I manage to talk myself right out of it. He’d laugh his ass off, okay? Besides, remember all the flirting he was doing with Josie when they had to work together during the play?” I pouted as I pointed it out.

Cheryl and Toni exchanged looks and Toni laughed. “He was doing that to make you jealous. Or that’s what I think he was doing. Either way… I think you should do something. He’s not going to and trust me… I’ve known the guy my whole life. I know him well enough to say that I know he has a thing for you. Otherwise, he wouldn’t have been so cranky when you two first met?”

“I thought he was just naturally grumpy?”

“Oh, he is, but the way he was towards you was totally different. He’s only that grumpy when he’s trying to keep his defenses up.” Toni informed me before finishing off her shake.

The door to the diner opened and Sweetpea walked in, Fangs in tow. The two of them were laughing about something. I gave both Cheryl and Toni a pleading look and Cheryl seemed to pick up on my unspoken plea to change the subject thankfully, because she asked, “Are you going to F.P’s retirement party at the Wyrm?”

“Yeah.” I answered, finishing off my milkshake. Sweetpea flopped into the booth beside me, carelessly slinging an arm over the back of the seat. His hand brushed against my shoulder and I swear just the small brush against me felt like someone had taken a livewire and dragged it over my body real slow.

Toni smirked at me, nodding at Sweetpea while he was too busy wolfing down french fries to notice and I shook my head.

“I dare you. No… I triple dare you.. Flirt with him.” Toni gave a teasing grin as she mouthed the words to me and I swallowed hard.

She’s not playing fair. She knows I can’t turn down a dare.

I happened to glance out the window of the diner and when I thought I saw Dave standing there, leaning against a streetlamp, one hand in his pocket and a cigarette dangling between his lips, I nearly choked. This prompted Sweetpea to start hitting me on the back lightly as he laughed and looked at me in concern. “Damn cherry, are you trying to kill yourself?”

Toni’s brow raised and Sweetpea explained what happened earlier in the day, how I’d nicked myself with the scalpel in our first period class while doing a dissection. What Sweetpea didn’t know was that when it happened, it was because I thought I’d seen Dave standing outside in the parking lot, only to blink and the parking lot be empty.

I have got to stop letting his stupid mind games get to me. It’s just because he’s texting me again. It’s just because he knows how to work me up and get me all scared, he used to be good at it when we dated.

He’d never come to Riverdale. He’s just doing this to me for his own sick amusement and every single time I let him get to me, especially when I’m to a point where I’m so paranoid I’m imagining that I see him everywhere lately, it’s letting him win and that pisses me off more than anything.

I’m supposed to be stronger than that, damn it.

Toni eyed me suspiciously and I braced myself. When she didn’t bring up my skittish behavior, I relaxed a little.

I wanted to tell someone what was going on, but at the same time, why? I’m pretty sure this is just Dave, being an absolute bag of dicks.

It has to be that. It has to be.

XXX

He stood outside some podunk little diner right in the heart of town. The hazy red neon gave off a comforting and inviting warmth and he lit his cigarette, fuming in anger as he watched her sitting inside.

“I know you’re not ignoring me, scarlet. I know you’re not.” he muttered, mostly to himself as he turned the collar of his leather jacket up against the wind and started to walk towards the South Side.

Maybe it was time he paid his old buddy Eric a visit. Eric was out of prison. Eric was the one who’d told him where Alyssa was to begin with, though he didn’t realize it.

Dave chuckled and shook his head as he walked towards the shitty apartments on the opposite end of town where Eric lived. Eric owed him a few favors. He was coming to collect.

“Did you really think I was jokin when I told ya I have friends all over? That you weren’t ever gonna get away from me?” he mused to himself as he knocked on the door of a first floor slum apartment.

Eric opened the door, leaning in it lazily. Blinking at him in a daze and smirking. High fiving him as he asked him why he was in town.

Dave whipped out his phone, showing Eric a picture of Alyssa. At first he gave him some story about her running off while he was in the pen. Eric wasn’t buying it, he could see it written in the expression on his face. And that only made him angry. Eric owed him. He was here to collect the favor owed. All he wanted was for Eric to help him out on this one little thing.

Eric shook his head, chuckling in disgust. Gazing at him with a brow raised. “I think you need to leave, man. Now. You don’t want the heat this is gonna bring down on you. And I’m not about to get on a Serpent’s bad side, even if the Serpent in question is just a damn kid.”

“See, I’d like to just put this all behind me, man... but she’s the whole reason I even went to prison to begin with. Then I get out and find out not only is my girl not loyal, she’s also the one who snitched on me?” Dave eyed Eric. Getting irritated because this was not how he saw the conversation going.

“I’m telling you, you need to leave. Forget about Alyssa. I see her around all the time with some kid… Sweet Pea or Green Bean, some shit. The Serpents are not people you fuck with, man. Not around these parts.”

“You know the Serpents aren’t shit to me… Right?” Dave quipped, smirking. “I’ve got this under control. I just need you to help me out a little… C’mon, man. You owe me.”

“I don’t fucking care. I’m not helping you do whatever it is you’re here to do. What I oughta do is put a bullet in your fucking head for even thinking I’d be down for this shit. She’s a kid, man. A fucking kid... Favor or not, man… I’m on the Serpents side with this. Not yours. You need to leave.” Eric warned, giving Dave a firm glare as he folded heavily tattooed arms over his chest.

“Oh, so that’s how you’re playin, huh? Okay. Alright. All I wanna do is see her again. I’m not going to do anything. I just want to straighten things out. Get a little closure on the situation...”

Eric scoffed. “This coming from the king of overreaction. I don’t trust you.I’m breakin code of my gang by even talking to your ass. Nope. The answer is no. I’m not helping. Do whatever you have to do to me, but I’m not about to help you scare some kid. I’ve got better things to do with my time, buddy...”

Dave’s arm shot out and he pinned Eric against the door of his apartment. Smirking at him calmly. “I know you haven’t forgotten just how much your sorry ass owes me. Because that’s what this sounds like.”

“I guess that’s what it is then. Because I’ve seen what the Serpents can do. I’m not about to bring all that down on my head.” Eric stepped back inside his apartment, slamming the door in Dave’s face, leaving him to glare at the closed door and take a swing.

“Guess I’m doing this all by myself.” Dave mused as he turned and wandered down to a shitty dive bar nearby. He needed to have a few rounds. Come up with a plan.

And a little after midnight, after finding himself a few new talkative friends in some local Ghoulies, things were starting to look up for him. And he was slowly forming a plan.

Now he just had to wait. Pick his moment. Toy with her a little more.

“I’m so close I can almost touch you, scarlet. Soon… Soon you’re going to pay for running your mouth to mommy about me...” he smirked to himself as he unlocked his hotel room and stepped inside.

#sweetpea fanfiction #sweetpea fanfic #sweetpea fic #sweetpea imagine #sweetpea imagines #my writing ; sweetpea #my fanfiction; sweetpea #my fics; sweetpea #// stalker tw #// seriously. these next two parts are gonna get a little... scary.#// you have been warned

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crackimagines · 5 years

Text

Child!Byleth as a Professor

Alright, at some point I saw a post about how funny it would be if tiny child Byleth became the professor instead wait a second how old are we of the adult one.

I wanted to find the og post and link it because I love the idea and wanted to write for it, but I couldn’t find it.

If OP is reading this, know that your idea is BRILLIANT!

Now that context is over, LET THE LESSON BEGIN

EDIT: Child!Byleth Post Masterlist here!

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Child!Byleth as a Professor (Part 1)

Meeting the Tiny Professor

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“Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me...” Jeralt said as he face palmed.

Rhea had told Jeralt that his son would be a Professor at this academy after his heroic feats saving some students.

What boggled his mind, and everyone else’s in that room, was that his son looked like he was about 10 years old.

True, he was a gifted mercenary and a smart kid. He didn’t earn the title ‘The Ashen Demon’ by lazing around all day, but he was not expressive in the slightest.

He was sure that he’d freak everyone out with how he acted, but there wasn’t any use telling Rhea no.

He exited the audience chamber with Byleth, and he looked down at him.

“You heard what she said, right?”

“Yeah...Why me though?” Byleth asked, a blank expression on his face.

“Kid, if I knew, I would’ve told you...How about you get around the academy and get to know the brats? I have to check something in my room. I’ll be with you soon.”

Byleth nodded and went down the stairs.

A knight guarding the room looked at Jeralt.

“Uh sir, shouldn’t he have an escort of some kind?”

Jeralt scoffed, turning back to him.

“If anything, you guys would be escorted by HIM.”

As Byleth walked through the school, he noticed several people giving him funny looks as well as calling him ‘cute’.

He walked to the reception hall and saw Edelgard.

“Ah, hello Byleth.” Edelgard said respectfully.

Byleth nodded silently and she continued.

“Thank you once again for saving me and the others. We are in your debt.”

“Don’t worry about it...By the way, you’re the leader of a house, right?”

“That is correct. What of it?”

“Apparently I’m supposed to be teaching a group of students.”

Edelgard smiled. “I didn’t think you could squeeze out a joke like that.”

His face didn’t even move, only then she realized that he wasn’t joking.

“O-Oh, pardon? You’re replacing our previous professor?”

“Apparently. Miss Rhea wanted it.”

Several students noticed what he said and talked amongst themselves, while guards looked at each other in confusion.

If Byleth could feel a lot of regret, it would be now. The news began to spread like wildfire.

Blue Lions

Once Byleth talked to Dimitri and learned about his household, he was about to find Claude next until he was approached by Annette and Mercedes.

“Hey there! You’re Byleth right?” Annette asked.

“Yes.”

“Oh my goodness! He looks precious!” Mercedes said, cupping her hands together.

Dimitri face palmed in embarrassment. Sure he was a child, but the last thing that this kid needed was to be coddled.

Byleth remained stone-faced as they threw compliments and started to baby talk him.

“Just let us know if you need any help, sweetie! We can be your big sisters!” Annette cheerfully said.

“I must be seeing the other students now, I am on a tight schedule. Please excuse me.” Byleth replied, walking between them but making sure not to hit or shove them.

He walked off towards the Golden Deer house while all three of them looked at Byleth curiously.

Felix, Sylvain, and Ingrid were speaking to each other until they saw Byleth walk by.

(Sylvain) “Hey there, you lost?”

Byleth turned towards Sylvain, his cold gaze instantly scaring him.

“I’m okay, thank you.”

Ingrid smiled politely and knelt down.

“Sorry, my friend didn’t mean to be rude. I’m Ingrid! And that’s Sylvain and Felix.”

“My name is Byleth. A pleasure.”

“So, you’re that kid everyone’s been talking about.” Felix said, a hint of hostility aiming at him.

“How did someone like you managed to get picked to be a professor?”

Ingrid slapped his shoulder angrily.

“Hey, don’t be mean! He’s just a child!”

Felix ignored her and continued.

“Listen here, I won’t let a kid get the better of me-”

Byleth turned to him, keeping his stone-faced expression.

“You won’t win.”

Ingrid was taken aback while Sylvain snorted, immediately looking at Felix who’s face spelled nothing but surprise and something that said ‘YOU WANNA GO?’.

“Is there any other students in the Blue Lions I should know about?” Byleth asked, turning back to Ingrid.

“U-Um...There’s Dedue and Ashe. They’re inside right now.”

“Thank you. Excuse me.”

He didn’t turn back to face Felix, who was ready to strangle the child until Ingrid karate chopped his head.

“Ack! What the-”

“ARE YOU SERIOUSLY PICKING A FIGHT WITH A CHILD, FELIX?!”

Byleth introduced himself to Ashe and Dedue. It was mostly Ashe talking the entire time since both of them were extremely quiet.

(Ashe) “U-Um...well, I look forward to speaking to you more often!”

Ashe said smiling. Byleth nodded at him then turned back to Dedue.

They both stared at each other, seemingly examining in close detail about the person they were staring down.

After a while, they both nodded at the same time, gaining a silent respect for each other and Byleth left.

(Dedue) “...I like him.”

Golden Deer

Leonie was the first to notice that a child was at the doors, but then she realized who exactly the child was.

“Hey, you’re Captain Jeralt’s kid, right?”

He looked up at her, not seemingly caring about the fact he was.

“I��m told that, yes.”

“You’re told-What? You should have pride in that! I was personally taught by the Blade Breaker at your age, and I am forever grateful for that!”

“Okay.”

Leonie’s anger went from 0 to the eternal hells.

“Oh, you’re a little punk, you know that!?” Leonie shouted, seemingly getting more and more angry that THIS is Jeralt’s child.

Hilda came in and separated the two.

“Alright, settle down there, Leonie! No need to pick a fight with our possible professor!”

“WHAT?! This kid is our professor?!”

“I possibly can. I’m here to speak to the students of the Golden Deer. Claude said I’d be able to find everyone in here.” Byleth said, looking disinterestedly around the classroom.

“You’ve come to the right place! Sorry about her, my name’s Hilda kiddo!”

“Please refrain from calling me that-”

“I’ll be more than happy to help you out in case you need help with shelves and such-”

“Is there anyone else I can talk to?”

Now, Hilda was just as angry as Leonie.

“What the, hey I’m being nice here!”

“I appreciate it, but I can do without the coddling. I am aware of my appearance, but I am far from just a child. Excuse me.”

He walked off, and they immediately started grumbling angrily about the brat that they had just seen.

Lysithea was watching from a distance, and immediately gained respect for the tiny professor.

“Finally, someone who understands my pain...!” She said to herself.

Afrer a seemingly pleasant conversation with Raphael and Ignatz, he left to find the other students. The three had discussed their history of the class and how strong they were, noticing that Byleth was especially strong himself.

Raphael offered to train with Byleth and Ignatz offered to study, to which he both respectfully declined due to his tight schedule. Byleth took a mental note of liking the two, however.

He went up to Lorenz, politely clearing his throat to get his attention.

“Ah, hello there! You must be the new professor! You may just be a child, but please note, you will not get any special treatment from me! For I am a noble, and to disregard such formalities for someone like you would-”

Byleth immediately lost interest, and turned away to find another student.

“What the- GET BACK HERE! I WASN’T FINISHED YOUNG MAN!”

“When you have something to say instead of idly flaunting, then please feel free to find me.” Byleth said without turning back, walking towards Marianne.

“O-Oh...hi there.” Marianne said shyly.

“Hello. My name is Byleth.”

“You’re...the professor? You’re so young!”

“I get that a lot.”

Marianne immediately backpedaled, her eyes going wide.

“I-I’m so sorry! I d-didn’t mean to offend you! You’re b-better off talking to someone else!”

“...Uwah...!”

Everyone in the room turned to look at Byleth as soon as he made that adorable noise.

Even though his face was still not moving, his voice sounded slightly panicked.

“P-Please do not worry about it. You’re one of the nicer people I’ve talked to today.”

Marianne’s heart skipped a beat as soon as she heard that.

“T-Thank you...” Marianne replied, slightly embarrassed she was being comforted by a child.

“Please take care.” Byleth said, bowing, then leaving the room.

“W-What a nice child...”

As he walked out, he saw Claude leaning against a pillar.

“So, got to know a bit of these misfits?”

“It’s a madhouse.”

Claude snorted, seeing everyone’s reaction, ranging from laughing, to pure rage at him.

“Well, it’s our little slice of heaven from the Alliance! Thanks for taking the time, professor!”

Byleth silently nodded and went to the Black Eagles class.

(Hilda) “That-”

(Lorenz) “Little-”

(Leonie) “DEVIL!”

Black Eagles

Dorothea and Petra saw Byleth walk in and waved hello at him. He began to walk over to her as she introduced herself.

“Greetings. My name be...IS, Petra.”

“Hey, my name’s Dorothea. You must be Byleth, right?”

“I am. Nice to meet you two. Can you tell me about this class?”

Dorothea explained the very basics of the empire, considering she was a commoner and not of high status.

Petra explained that she was a transfer student, and studying their language.

"I see. I will speak to your classmates for more info, but thank you very much, Petra and Dorothea. Please excuse me, but it was a pleasure speaking to you.”

He walked off towards Caspar and Linhardt.

“What a precious little kid! To think he might be our professor!”

“I know right? He was much polite for someone his age.

Caspar and Linhardt turned to Byleth as he walked near them.

“Huh? You lost kid?”

“That’s not just a kid, Caspar, that’s the new professor.”

“Huh? Is that sarcasm I hear, Linhardt?!”

“It’s not...Frankly, I’m as surprised as you are.” Linhardt said.

“That being said, you must be exceptionally intelligent to be teaching at this age.”

“Hmph.” Byleth replied. “Care to tell me about yourselves?”

“Well, I’m Caspar, and that’s Linhardt. I’m here to train as a warrior!”

“I’m here to research whatever interests me...”

“Care to elaborate?” Byleth asked.

“Ah, I’m sorry but...I am quite tired and cannot spare the time to-”

“Horribly lazy, got it.” Byleth said turning to Caspar.

Though that was very true, that still hurt.

Caspar laughed and crossed his arms.

“I like you, Byleth! Hope we see more of you!”

Byleth nodded and went towards Ferdinand.

“Hello, you’re the new professor? I am Ferdinand Von Aegir, son of the most famous household in the Empire, and rival of Lady Edelgard herself!”

Byleth looked at Ferdinand interestingly for a moment, until he properly examined him.

“All due respect, you wouldn’t even be able to contend with me, mister Ferdinand.”

“What the?! I wouldn’t be able to contend with a mere child?!”

Byleth sighed, realizing he just found another Lorenz-type.

“You may be the son of Sir Jeralt, but that is quite arrogant of you!”

“Please elaborate the differences of mine vs yours with Edelgard. I’d hesitate to even call you a bench-warmer.”

Everyone was taken completely aback, overhearing their conversation.

Byleth bowed and turned away.

“My apologies for such a rude statement. Please excuse me, I am on a schedule.”

He walked away, Ferdinand at a loss for words.

“...What...What’s with this sassy child?! This is to be a professor?!”

He went towards Hubert who had been watching him closely the entire time.

“You...you’re dangerous.” Hubert said calmly.

Byleth stared back at him, not being intimidated by his presence.

“Yourself as well. You know who I am, so what is your name?”

“Hubert. I am the aide to Lady Edelgard. I trust you have met her already.”

“Indeed. She spoke highly of you.”

They stared each other down, the aura that both of them were radiating was enough to make a warrior drop his weapon out of fear.

“I hope to see you in action soon, Professor.”

“You too, Hubert.”

They both nodded and Byleth left to go talk with Bernadetta.

Though it was a mutual respect, everyone was sure they were planning how to murder each other already.

Bernadetta was facing a corner, hoping not to get noticed.

“Please don’t see me! Please don’t see me!”

“Excuse me-”

“EEEEK! I’M...O-Oh, it’s...a child.”

“If I may ask, who were you hiding from?”

“Oh, well I heard that the new professor was SUPER scary! And I didn’t want to him to talk to me because well...I’m not great with people, little guy. Hopefully he’ll overlook me.”

Everyone stared at Bernadetta, she didn’t realize that she was basically insulting the professor right now.

Byleth however found this entire situation...amusing. His face went something like this.

I like this one...

“May I ask your name?”

“Huh? Oh uh, it’s Bernadetta. What’s yours?”

“Byleth.”

He turned around still wearing a small smile as Bernadetta’s smile slowly disappeared and turned into an open mouth of horror.

As he left to go find Jeralt, he heard Bernadetta let out a wail, realizing what she had just done.

Audience Chamber...

Rhea, Seteth and Jeralt were waiting as he walked back in.

“Hey kid, how’d it go?”

“Was alright.” Byleth replied standing by his dad.

“Hello, Byleth. Have you made your decision?”

“...Miss Rhea? May I speak freely for a moment?”

“Of course, dear-”

“They’re all idiots.”

Rhea’s eyes widened while Seteth gasped audibly. Byleth stood still not really knowing what he said was very rude.

Jeralt however, began laughing his ass off.

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lalahbug · 4 years

Text

Snapped!Canada x Reader

Fandom: Hetalia Word Count: 1,805 My Masterlist Warnings/disclaim: general Some sexual themes, I kept it pretty PG-13 though. Author’s Note: (continued under story) Originally posted on DeviantArt, under the same username, on 11/05/2012. Revamped/edited in 2020. ___ is a blank for your name/oc/whatever you prefer Written in 3rd person Line/header is to separate paragraphs to indicate time skips, as Tumblr hates my formatting. Story under cut

"Why don't you just shut up, you bloody frog!" England screamed at France.

"Why don't you make me?" He replied childishly, sticking out his tongue.

Somehow at every world meeting, they got into a fight. ___ had been coming with England for a while because he asked her to after she had found out he was a nation. She wasn’t really big on world issues and usually tried to avoid then, because she was secretly a nation too.

She didn’t want anyone to know though so she had been avoiding these meetings for years, but once Arthur told her he represented England she was forced to come. Arthur wanted her there to support him, but she never really did. Once she noticed how much Arthur yelled at the meeting, she would sit far away from him and next to Matthew, he represents Canada. He’s a quiet guy and very sweet, although no one really ever saw him.

___ and Matt would talk in and out of the meetings, for a few years. Eventually, ___ got to know Matt very well and started developing feelings for the cute Canadian. She would defend him whenever she could, especially when people tried to sit on him. Even though a lot of people didn’t see him, ___ always did.

"Hey, Russia!" ___ shouted at the tall man, he gave her a childish evil glare, that usually scared everyone. But she wouldn’t be scared of him especially if it meant protecting Matthew.

"Please, call me Ivan."

"Ivan, don't sit on Matthew."

"Who?"

"The seat you’re about to sit in, Matt is already in it!" He stared at her blankly, making her sigh. ___ stood up and pulled Ivan to her seat. "Here just have my seat." She really just didn't want the Russian to hurt Matt.

"Oh, why thank you, ____."

"No problem, I was doing it for Matt-”

Two strong arms wrapped around her waist, cutting her sentence off, the arms pulled her into some hard. It was Ivan's chest and his arms were locked around her waist. "Why don't we share your seat?"

"Ivan you're drunk, your breath reeks of vodka."

"I am not drunk; I just simply have been drinking."

"Whatever, let me go!"

"You're not scared of me that is why I like you."

"Let me g-" She was cut off by two strong lips pressing against hers. ___ squeaked and immediately tried to push him off of her. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Matthew get up and run off. ___ hit Ivan on the chest and struggled against him even more as she heard Alfred call after his brother. Finally, Ivan let her go. ___ quickly ran after Matt but couldn't find him. Soon after that Germany called attention to the meeting and got issues resolved. Everyone was soon dismissed and England gave her a ride home.

A couple of weeks had passed since ___ had talked to the Canadian; he wouldn't reply to any of her messages nor showed up to the meetings. So once again, she called him and waited nervously as the phone seemed to ring forever.

"What?" A groggy and rude voice demanded.

"Alfred, give Matt his phone! I really need to talk to him." Any happiness she had when the phone stopped ringing was replaced with annoyance for the American answering Matt’s phone.

"What makes you think he wants to talk to you?"

"Alfred F. Jones! Give Matthew his phone! What happened to you? I thought you wanted me to talk to Matt and tell him what I should have before,” she almost whispered the last part because her embarrassment kicked in remembering Alfred telling her to confess to Matthew.

"Just come over if it's so important to you then." Then he hung up and ___’s embarrassment was quickly replaced with annoyance once again. She quickly grabbed a long thick jacket that went to her knees and her snow boots. Collecting her purse and keys, she stormed out the door and trudged into the knee-deep snow.

The cold air just made her calm down, making her think more clearly. But before she worked out the flaws to this plan she was already to Matt's house. She knocked on the door and quickly stuffed your hands back into her pockets. Then Matt opened the door, his clothes were baggy and disheveled and his hair was uncombed.

Matt just stared at ___ with her hood and hair flaked with snow. Her beautiful face had been pinched red from the cold wind. Her (h/l)(h/c) hair was a mess from the wind and clear signs of her pulling her hood back up many times. Matthew then felt a very cold embrace from ___.

"I was so worried about you!" ___ hugged him tightly, then looked up at him with watery tears, she had missed him so much.

"Would you stop that? It's really annoying. No one ever asked you to worry about me." His voice was level and mean.

"W-what are you talking about?" She looked at him with dismay. "Was it you on the phone?" He just nodded. "What is wrong with you, Matthew?"

"Nothing is wrong, what's wrong with you?" ___ grumbled before pushing away from Matt and going inside. "Well, just come on in why don't you." Matthew spat at her slamming the door.

"I will, it's freezing out there!" She took off her jacket and kicked off her boots. ___ looked around at the place and it was a mess. Normally, Matt had a clean organized place, now, looked like a tornado had ripped through his home.

"What the hell do you want, ___."

"What do you mean what do I want?! I haven't seen you in weeks. You were ignoring my messages and you never showed up to the meetings!" She let her voice raise a bit.

"What does it matter to you? Go kiss your boyfriend because I sure as hell won't be kissing an ugly girl like you." ___ just stood there staring at the Canadian. He was not the Matt she had grown to love and she was becoming worried and scared. She did what her body would let her do, without freezing up, she smacked him as hard as she could. He just laughed, it wasn't like funny laugh; it was a crazy laugh. She grabbed him by his shirt.

"What have you done with my Matthew?!"

"I was never yours!" He growled at her.

"I defended him! I talked to him!"

"That doesn't make me yours!"

"I love him and I want him to be mine so where the hell is he? Tell me because you surely aren't the same man I love and that used to shyly compliment me. My Matt would have never called me ugly." She started to break down. "I thought you loved me too!" She yelled at him before starting to sob. She gripped the front of his shirt while crying before pounding on his chest. "You are my Matt, and no matter what you do I am going to love you! So call me ugly all you want. It will never change the fact that I lo-"

Suddenly the world was blurry and her head was hurting. Her wrists were pinned against the wall and there was a pair of soft and firm lips against hers. Matt had pinned her against the wall and was picking her up off the ground now. Wrapping her legs around his waist and forcefully shoving his tongue into her mouth. There was nothing planned or polite about this. It was a spur of the moment and very passionate. His tongue wrestled with hers and quickly won and started uncovering any secrets in her mouth. Matthew's hands were roaming her body and started to pull up her shirt. Before he could get off any of her clothing, he broke the kiss. Air was stinging her lungs as it entered once again and it wasn't easy getting it back into her system though. As they both panted sharing the small area of air.

"I love you," Matthew said once his breath returned and he laid his forehead on hers. His hands started to fumble with the buttons on her shirt.

"I love you too. We don't have to do this now, Matt."

"No, we do need to. I have been waiting long enough and you're not going to make me wait any longer." With that he ripped her shirt open, buttons flying everywhere. She gasped and saw the look in his eye as his hands started rubbing on her sides. He wasn't going to take no for an answer knowing that she loved him.

"May I request a bed then?"

The sexual gleam in his eyes flickered and a slow sexy smile graced his handsome features. "As long as I don't have to stop anything I am doing on the way."

___ woke up in the dark by herself, she got up and found one of Canada's hockey shirts and pulled it on. She walked through the house looking for her Canadian lover. Finding him on the couch in his boxers watching TV. She smirked at him before walking over and sitting on his stomach, clearly pulling him out his reverie, making him jump a bit.

"Of course not." With the last words the Canadian's mouth attached to the (s/c) skin on her neck and started to bite and suck meanly. ___ moaned and arched her back slightly. He hugged her body close to his so he could start walking to his room.

"Hello, my dear." She smiled sweetly at him.

"Hey. Sleep well?" He turned his gaze to her, giving her a soft smirk.

"Yeah, why weren't you there when I woke up?"

"I needed to think." He then seemed to notice, all she was wearing was one of his hockey shirts. "Are you trying to start a round two?"

She giggled. "Depends. Can I have the sweet side of you this time? Because I have a few bruises that are going to take a bit to heal."

"No. You’ll know when he's back by the cleanliness of the house." ___ looked around, still a disaster zone.

"I guess he's gone?"

"Well, now I’m a bit aroused and still angry at Russia, so yeah, he's gone."

"Well, I am okay with whatever side you have Matt. I love you. Dark or not, although the dark side is a bit of a bonus sometimes,” she winked at him.

"Oh shut up already and let's get busy."

"Don't tell me wha-" He cut her off with a rough kiss and pulled off the shirt.

“You're mine. I will do what I want with you, problem?"

She kissed him back gently. "As long as you love me and care for me. Then never."

Author’s Note: Continued On dA, I put this as a 2P!Canada, but someone told me it’s more Snapped!Canada, which now with editing this again, I agree on. So here it’ll be Snapped!Canada, on dA I’ll leave it as 2P!

#fanfic #fanficition #snapped!canada #hetalia #hetalia fanfic #canada x reader #canada/reader #Matthew Williams #lalahbug #lalah writes #reader insert #xreader #self insert

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amarauder · 5 years

Text

chapter one - percy jackson x reader

| percy’s journey to the top of the world

A/N; I am really really really excited to share this all with you! I have actually already wrote the whole thing and I am just editing it now as I post the chapters. I feel like I have finally perfected Percy's personality, damn that took way too long. But I feel like this is definitely my best writing piece yet.. So, I hope you enjoy and I apologize in advance for Thalia's personality. I kept re-writing everything she did but at the end I never felt like it was right and it was taking too much time so I just left it as it is. Thank you for reading! :)

It was Leo's idea to go to the fair, and with much credit all of his spastic and vociferous pleadings, he managed to annoy everyone else into agreeing to tag along. Percy's mostly going because Luke is going, and Luke is mostly going because Thalia said she might make an appearance. Typical, Percy thinks, watching his best friend glance around in what he believes to be a casual way.

It's not that Percy hates fairs—he loves them, really; he delights in the bright lights and the laughter that seems to push at his ears from all sides. It's a happy place, or at least somewhere people go to be happy, and it's the kind of atmosphere Percy would stay in forever if he could. There are few things Percy loves more than happy people, and the variety of fried food at his disposal is nothing if not a plus.

Never let it be said that Percy doesn't like the way fairs make him feel. But let it be known far and wide that he won't touch those rides that shoot up a million feet in the air, nor will he mess with the ones that spin in circles so quickly, he feels sick just from looking at them.

Percy and the guys lap the fairgrounds twice before they decide to start out easy with the Pharaoh ride. Percy doesn't like that one—doesn't like the sensation of flying anymore than actually flying—so he decides to stand near the exit holding two big jackets and one watered down Mountain Dew. He almost regrets coming. He's never been a huge fan of fair rides save the Ferris wheel and Tilt-A-Whirl, but it's better than spending his Friday night doing the homework due Monday, he guesses.

The guys get off the ride, all of their hair sticking up in a few different directions. Luke ruffles Percy's hair up for good measure, then they all dash off to the Ring of Fire.

Percy stares up at it, contemplating; it would be totally safe to drape all of their belongings over the fence surrounding the ride, of course, so there doesn't have to be a man left behind every time they ride something. Not to mention the fact that Percy bought the unlimited riding wristband alongside everyone else, even if most of the rides are far too dangerous for his taste.

"You coming?" Luke questions, a few steps away. Percy opens his mouth and closes it, and even though he doesn't say anything, his best friend still understands somehow. "Hey, if you're not up to it, it's fine. I know you get a little... you know."

Percy, predictably, feels like a loser—like the one teenager in all of the park who doesn't want to do something reckless, who doesn't like the way wind feels on his face. "I think I'll go get something to eat. Meet you guys after?"

Luke smiles kindly and pats him on the shoulder. "Of course. I'll make sure we ride the Ferris wheel before the night's over, too. I know you like that the most."

Percy gives a short nod, seeing a few more people saunter up to the Ring of Fire. "You better hurry before all the seats are filled."

It takes him a while to find a place that has any hot chocolate left, since it's past eleven and most families have already come and gone after consuming the majority of the fair's supply of warm drinks. It's not much, just chocolate mix poured into some hot water, and the marshmallows have already melted into little white dots of foam, but it cheers Percy up anyways. After all, he's drinking hot chocolate while all of his friends are upside down on a death trap of a ride.

Someone bumps into him from behind and Percy hears a chorus of laughter before he turns. His hand hurts a little, since some hot chocolate spilled upon the collision, but it's not something he can't handle.

"Sorry," the person says, their head turned away from him. Their presence feels familiar—like maybe he's been around them before, like maybe he's heard their voice or their laugh. "My friends are a little... pushy."

Percy smiles at what might or might not have been a pun. "It's fine," he answers, taking a sip of his hot chocolate. It's still boiling hot. His unintended assailant turns away from their friends to look at him, finally, and Percy nearly spits.

"Oh, Percy," Y/N says, pleasantly surprised. "Haven't seen you for a while, partner."

Percy's chest hurts a little, and he's not sure if it's from the scalding hot chocolate or the h/c haired girl in front of him. "Yeah, it's been a while since—"

"Since chemistry, sophomore year," she interrupts, and Percy nods. "Yeah, that was a fun class. I always liked chemistry." He must make a face, because Y/N laughs at him, pretty pink lips parting to show white teeth. Percy is momentarily entranced. "I can't remember you liking it half as much as I did."

"Was a little miserable," Percy admits, though it's an understatement. He was awful at chemistry, barely scraping by with Ds. The only good thing about the class was Y/N—smart, wonderful Y/N who helped him through the vast majority of the worksheets that might as well have been in another language, for all of Percy's understanding of the subject.

"Well, at least you passed, so it's over and done with now," she says, a small smile still tugging at her lips. Percy watches as she zips up her jacket, conscious of the fact that he left his in his car. He kind of wishes he didn't, just so he could have something to tuck his face into, or at the very least serve as a distraction.

"Guess I have you to thank for that," he replies, smiling back tightly when Y/N beams. He's seen her almost every day at school for the past four years, and the only time he's ever talked to her is when they were chemistry lab partners for what might have been the best 40 weeks of his life. There was the occasional hello when they ran into each other during assemblies since, but other than that, Percy hadn't gathered the guts to make it abundantly clear to Y/N that he wants to be her friend. (And he does want to be her friend—Y/N's a good ally to have, for one, and he also feels both smarter and less intelligent just by standing near her. She gives him good vibes. Percy's always loved people like that.)

It looks like Y/N's about to say something, and Percy's prepared to hang onto every word she utters, but one of her friends clears their throat without a hint of subtlety. "Oh, right," Y/N says, like she can't believe herself for being so rude. "This is Percy, guys. And that's Piper, Annabeth, Hazel, and—"

"Thalia," Percy says with a knowing smile, eyes catching on the shortest of the group. "Luke is looking for you."

"Of course he is," one of the girls says, but Percy isn't sure who. Thalia blushes a little, tucking a chunk of her short, dark hair behind her ear.

"I was actually about to go find them, if you want to come with?" Percy was mostly directing the question towards Thalia, but all of the girls take it as an invitation. They begin to walk; Y/N stays closer to him while the other girls drag a little behind.

"So..." Y/N clears her throat, and Percy wishes he would paid attention during his mom's silly romantic comedies on movie night. Maybe then he'd know how to talk to a girl. "Having fun?"

Percy nods immediately, swirling his hot chocolate and carefully stepping over a bundle of thick cords stretching across the walkway. There's a lot of things Percy wants to do in front of Y/N, but most of them involve impressing her and not tripping face-first into the cold, wet grass. "Yeah, I guess. You?"

She shrugs and her elbow hits his. Percy tries his best not to grin at that, but he's never been one for success. "I'm not a huge fan of fairs, personally, but I was physically dragged from my home tonight by them." She tips her head back, gesturing to her friends, and Percy smiles a little. "What?"

"Nothing, nothing," Percy says, raising his eyebrows at her. "Just—no parties to attend? Dates to run off on? Family dinners to sit through?"

"That was sophomore year," Y/N says on a sigh. It sounds mostly relieved, but maybe a little wistful, too."I'm a little more boring now. I read a lot."

"That's—" Percy searches for a word. "Um, that's good. Reading is good for you."

Y/N sends him an amused look. "Do you read, Percy?"

He knows she's teasing him, and he can feel his cheeks heating up. "A—sometimes. A little."

"What's your favorite book?"

"I—" Percy wishes he had a title in his mind—something impressive, something that would make Y/N look at him like she's surprised, but happy he said something. "Um, The Edge of Us?"

Y/N raises an eyebrow, directly translating to an unspoken are you messing with me? Percy keeps a straight face. "By whom?"

"Sally... Jackson," Percy says, admitting defeat.

Y/N snorts, her eyes closing briefly as she laughs at him. "Your mother's book? Really?"

"Well, I didn't have a proper answer!" Percy says, laughing with her. "I figured I could at least promo my mom when I had the chance."

"Unbelievable," Y/N says, pressing her lips together to keep from smiling, and holding his gaze. Percy breaks it first, idly scratching his chest and staring down at his toes. Y/N's no less blinding than she was two years ago.

"There you are, Percy," Luke says appearing on Percy's other side. He leans past him, waving at Y/N. "Hey, you. Doing alright?"

Y/N nods, hair falling to cover her eyes. She shoves them out of the way with a hint of frustration, and Percy has a feeling he's not supposed to find that somewhat cute. "And you? I heard you were looking for a certain someone."

"I absolutely was not," Luke says, though not without a less than amicable clap on Percy's back. Percy smiles serenely at his best friend, nodding to Thalia as if to say, go get 'em, Tiger. "I'll talk to you two later."

He goes to Thalia, after that, and Percy and Y/N share a smug smile. They always were a good team, even back in their chemistry lab days. "They're going to date, aren't they?" Percy questions quietly, watching Luke shrug off his jacket for Thalia as she rubs her arms to warm herself up.

"Of course they are," Y/N says, a little fond.

"Hey, guys, we're going to go hit the Double Shot," Leo calls from where he stands between Hazel and Annabeth, arms reached out to wrap around both of the girls' shoulders. They both look vaguely annoyed but mostly indifferent to Leo's lady-killer antics.

"I think I'll pass," Percy says, at the same time Y/N says, "I hate that one."

"Right, well you two can wallow in your utter lame-ity," Jason says, sending them a smile to let them know that he doesn't mean it. "We'll catch up soon."

"Lame-ity isn't a word, Jason," Y/N informs him with an eye roll, her cheeks a little pink from the cold. Percy looks away, letting his eyes fall on the nearest spinning ride to distract himself. "Call us if you need us."

"Will do," Jason replies, saluting them before he jogs ahead to pounce on Leo's back, nearly making him, along with Hazel and Annabeth, fall. They laugh, and Percy smiles at the group.

"It's been a while since we all hung out," Y/N notes, and Percy nods. Sure, they've met up in pairs and trios here and there, but it's been a long time since they had the whole gang.

"Would have been the year before the last, right? During that trip to the museum." The trip where we got lost because we sneaked off to the Greek and Roman section while everyone else stayed on the tour. You talked us out of getting in trouble with our teacher.

"That was a fun field trip," Y/N says, glancing up at him. She doesn't say so, but he knows she remembers wandering off together just as much as he does.

"Really fun," Percy agrees, pointlessly. He remembers Y/N reaching out to touch a marble statue of Athena, and he remembers not bothering to mention that they weren't allowed to touch the exhibits, just because Y/N looked so full of curiosity.

"Are you still going to go to school for that?" Y/N asks now, just as curious as she was at the museum. "I know it means a lot to you."

Percy shrugs shyly. "Might minor in it."

She smiles to herself, shaking her head. "You do realize that you almost never speak in full sentences, right?"

"Didn't realize," Percy says, then he gives a sheepish smile. "Oh. Guess I do. I mean, I guess I do."

They both laugh for a second, falling quiet just quickly enough to make Percy feel awkward. He wishes he had more to say, if only to keep Y/N from regretting she stayed back with him.

"How are you?" Percy asks, after a while, when they've stopped to watch a ride as it spins in rapid circles, eliciting screams from those on it. He's heard that a lot of fair rides make people feel alive—give them a rush. They really just make Percy feel sick.

"I'm alright, a little cold. Aren't you cold?"

Percy shrugs. His sweater is thick enough, for the most part, and he's wearing another long sleeve shirt underneath it. "'S fine. But, uh, how are you overall? Not just right now, but in general?" I remember you had a tough time with your parents sophomore year. I hope it's worked itself out.

"I'm... Better." She nods to herself, raising her eyebrows when a particularly high-pitched scream interrupts her. "Mom and Dad got divorced the summer of sophomore year."

Percy's heart sinks for her, and he drops his eyes to the patchy grass, digging the toe of his shoe into the dirt. "That—That really sucks. And I'm sorry that you had to go through it."

"It's not your fault, Percy," Y/N says, nothing but genuine. "Thank you, though."

There's a lull in the conversation, and Percy feels like he's dampened her mood, like Y/N's whole night might be ruined if he doesn't do something about it.

"You like the Ferris wheel?" Percy finds himself asking, without really thinking too much about the implications of the words.

"I can't say I'm the biggest fan of heights," Y/N says, almost apologetic.

Percy nods immediately. "I know the feeling, believe me. Nearly died of fear when I first got on a plane." He gives a little self-deprecating chuckle, remembering the irritated sighs of the woman beside him, the stewardess who hovered by his side for a good portion of the flight, making sure that he didn't get sick on other fliers. "Like the Ferris wheel, though. Good view."

"Riveting as your sentence fragments are," Y/N says with a smirk, "I'd really like to get some cotton candy."

"I'll walk with you," Percy offers, half because he doesn't want her to go alone and half because he doesn't want to be alone.

"Thanks," Y/N replies, pushing her hands inside her jacket pockets. "It sucks to be alone at places like these, I'd think."

Percy hums like he agrees, though he isn't really sure what she means. "It would be lonely."

"You're a man of even fewer words than I remember." She sounds a lot teasing and a little something else, but Percy has trouble pinning it down.

"It was chemistry," he tries to explain. "I had a lot of questions. And I was a sophomore, which means I was at least double the amount of annoying I am now. Probably talked your ear off."

"Either you didn't, or I didn't mind," Y/N responds, nudging him with her elbow. "There's the guys, over there, if you want to join them. I can walk the rest of the way myself."

Percy opens up his mouth to tell her that it's fine, that he doesn't mind spending a few more minutes by her side, but then he realizes the nearest food stand is maybe five feet away and he might come off as a little, well, stupid. He nods. "Alright. I'll see you."

He comes up behind Luke and shoves his cold hand beneath his best friend's collar, laughing when Luke jumps a good foot in the air. "You fucker," Luke says, distrust in his eyes.

"It was just an excuse to fondle you, simmer down," Percy jokes, rolling his eyes at his friend. "How was the—what was it, Double Shot?"

"Absolutely terrifying," Luke says with a manic little grin. "But, that's the fun in it, I guess. Not knowing when you're about to plummet to the bottom of the ride. Nothing gets the blood pumping like the potential for death."

"Someone's feeling morbid tonight," Thalia says mildly, giving Luke a bewildered look. He shrugs, offering up an explanation of marathoning scary movies with Nico the weekend before.

"The fair closes at 1 AM," Jason announces to the group at large. "We can probably hit, like, three more rides with all of the lines."

"Ferris wheel last," Percy suggests. "That's all I care about."

"Yes, Percy, we know about your weird obsession with the lamest ride here."

Percy frowns at Leo. "It's not lame—"

"Just clichéd," Y/N puts in, appearing next to Annabeth. Percy narrows his eyes at her while she innocently pulls off a little cloud of cotton candy. "It's not a bad thing; it just is."

"At least my ride has a lower death rate," Percy grumbles, and either no one hears him or they don't believe it deserves a response.

Someone drops a mention of Gravitron, and it's only a few minutes before their group stands before the spaceship-like ride, chatting among themselves while they wait for their turn. Percy watches the ride spin with nauseating rapidity, eventually turning to watch a guy throw rings at bottles in an attempt to win some cheap stuffed animal that'll probably start threading in a week.

The child at his heel squeals in delight when she gets one of the smallest prizes available, the man only managing to land one ring on a bottleneck, and Percy can't remember being that grateful as a child. She's got to be a good kid, one of those that people never mind having around, regardless of age and whether or not they like children at all.

"What are you thinking about so deeply over here?" Y/N says from somewhere behind him. Percy glances over his shoulder, and when he looks back to the booth, the man and his kid are nowhere to be seen.

"Nothing, just didn't want to look at the ride anymore. It was making me kind of dizzy." Percy nearly smacks his palm to his forehead, feeling weak and idiotic for admitting that he's pretty squeamish, as far as fast moving objects and heights go. Pop in the goriest movie you can think of, and Percy will barely blink an eye, but threaten to push him on the Ring of Fire and he'll probably faint before you can even escort him to his seat.

"It's actually fun, I promise," Y/N says. "You don't really feel the spinning because you're going so fast."

"Ugh," Percy mutters, rubbing his eye with the heel of his hand. "How do people get a kick out of this stuff, honestly?"

Y/N hums in agreement, glancing at the line to make sure their group doesn't go on without her. "I've gathered that Luke is a bit of an amusement park junkie?"

"He is." Percy remembers the eighth grade field trip to Busch Gardens, and the swim team trip to Universal Studios. Luke certainly has a thing for adrenaline. "I think the feeling reminds him of performing."

"He performs?"

"Yeah, like, in a band."

"Oh." Y/N scuffs her foot on the ground. "Who else is in the band?"

"I was, originally," Percy mentions off-handedly. "But that was a long time ago. It's just him, Nico, and this college drop-out Luke now. They're really good."

"What did you do?"

"Nothing. I just decided I didn't want to be in it anymore, since I didn't contribute a whole lot. I still help Luke with songwriting here and there, though."

"I meant, like," Y/N gestures like she isn't sure how to word what she's saying. "Did you play an instrument, or...?"

"Oh!" Percy coughs even if his throat doesn't have an itch, pulling his long sleeves down until they're about mid-palm. "Mostly guitar. Sang a teensy bit, but not much more than that. Luke is better at guitar than I am. And, well, you've heard his voice, I'm sure. Sounds like a damn angel. But, like, a manly, sexier one." Oh, God, Percy thinks, in absolute dismay. What am I even saying?

"A manly, sexy angel," Y/N muses. "An apt description. I had no clue angels had access to so much hair dye."

Percy laughs so hard, his ribs hurt a little. Y/N laughs, too, but mostly she just looks happy that she made him laugh. Percy finds that it's easy to remember why he wanted—wants—to be Y/N's friend as bad as he does.

"You'll miss your ride," he says after his chuckles have mostly died out. There's still a small smile that won't leave his face.

"I've been on it before," Y/N responds with a one-shouldered shrug, seemingly unconcerned. "I'd much rather talk about manly and sexy angels."

"What have I done?" Percy asks, rubbing his forehead, pretending to be a lot more regretful than he really is. Percy doesn't really mind when Y/N teases him, or, at least, he doesn't mind as much as he should. "I'm not going to live this down, am I?"

"Of course not," Y/N says easily. "Where would the fun be in that?"

| masterlist

#percy jackson x reader #percy x reader #anmarauder writings #percy's journey to the top of the world #PJO #percy jackson

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mikazukikannagisjourney · 5 years

Text

A Deeply Personal Post about Suicide

A very personal and dark post about depression, its relapse, and suicide**

*you have been warned*

**A post with a whole lotta trigger warnings~ STAY AWAY if you can’t, or if you must. Otherwise, thank you for taking your time reading. This is not clickbait, and definitely not for the faint-hearted. You have been warned. Don’t blame me for any negative effects**

Yes, there, I have said it. I always had the urge to write this down but I kept getting depressed over and over and I really can’t write it if I’m still in that dark, constricting place. But I am so far OK so I shall be posting this stuff. If this post prevents at least, or even just one person from taking their own life and gets a new lease in life then my broken and torn heart will have its peace. It’s harder to live and easier to die. But if you’re spiritually awakened, then the commitment to stay alive is even more pressing. I salute you for staying alive. You can do it!

OK, that’s enough cheery stuff for now. Anything beyond this point can turn dark and ugly in a manner of letters so again, if this is a strongly-triggering topic for you, and you can’t face it, that’s ok. Just stay away, till you think you can handle this. Also I wrote this on the morning of August 28, 2019 but I also had to purge the energies on this post so it would be healing more than destructive, so it pops up a day later as a queued post.

Edit: accidentally clicked POST instead. Not that I mind, I was gonna anyway. Divine realm kept nagging me so.. here you go. 😆

I *MAY* HAVE BEEN BATTLING DEPRESSION AND SUICIDAL THOUGHTS SINCE I WAS A CHILD

I don’t think I have the need to completely spell out what depression is because again, the internet can do that for you. I will just focus on how it was, and is still manifesting in my life. But how did it materialized in my life then? Well... Mostly I just internalized all of my demons. If I was angry or upset or I feel envy or jealousy, I just sucked it all in. My household growing up was a battlefield of emotional suppression, thus I can’t cry, throw a tantrum, even laugh out loud for being too happy. What’s even more ironic is that I am actually a very emotional person, which made a whole lot of sense once I understood my natal astrological, human design, and gene key charts. So even if my sun was in Gemini and my ascendant in Libra, I pretty much have all the water signs in my chart as well, along with having a strong sacral center that thrives on generating emotionally-charged energy, and that’s where the waterworks come from. Thus the fact that I’m a Gemini cry-baby who gets too-emotional at just about anything makes perfect sense now.

But back to the subject at hand: Emotional Suppression caused my mental instability and depression. Because each time I had to stop expressing what I feel deep inside, I feel like I kept killing a part of me. Each time I kill a part of me, a gaping hole in my heart and soul would grow even larger. Like literally I feel chest pains as a child, which of course don’t show up on laboratory exams and thus I have been deemed healthy, a lot. I already started wanting to kill myself around 7 years of age, because I was forced to grow up quickly so I could take care of my siblings and myself. I really hated myself and the world a lot because I can’t do what I want and I can’t have anything I want, among other things. I mostly play alone, which was fine until the thoughts of wanting to die keep coming up. Maybe for some people these things are nothing, and they’ll start bragging about their own difficulties and that’s OK, I mean, what you feel will always ring true to you, no matter what the world tells you. The brain can lie to you, but your heart and your emotions never will. Feelings and emotions are always true, and what you feel is always valid. If something hurt you or made you happy, it’s because you have those things inside you. If people trigger you deliberately, then that’s on them. If you get triggered by other people, well that’s a whole other matter... BUT, whatever you do when acting under that feeling or emotion is entirely up to you, and you cannot blame other people for making you act in certain ways. Remember, YOU ALWAYS HAVE A CHOICE IN YOUR ACTIONS, THUS THE CONSEQUENCES ARE ALSO OF YOUR OWN DOING. The bottomline is: PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GLOB DON’T PLAY DOWN WHAT I AM WRITING HERE AND SAY THAT I’M IN THE WRONG. This entire thing is a personal account, and it’s mine. I get to write this thing because the whole thing is based on what I have experienced. *see? I told you I easily get emotional lol*

I got sidetracked, I apologize. OK, now back to regular programming

Anyway, thoughts of killing myself got even more intense, especially with not meeting parental expectations as well as neglect, abandonment, and rejection issues that popped up as time went on. To be honest though, I was, and still am a bit surprised that I haven’t taken my own life then, and up to this point. Either it’s because I am highly-sensitive to pain *my pain threshold is quite low*, or because I am still trying to find ways to kill myself without the hassle or pain. Basically I fear pain more than death. I guess that’s one of my major motivators for not choosing to end it yet. I just hate physical pain in all forms, even more so right now. So even if it kills me inside, I try to live one day at a time. Back then, I had to live because my siblings need me to cook their food, and I had to do my sister’s homework (she has autism spectrum disorder, which my parents just chose to ignore because they have no idea how to interact with special needs).

How is depression connected with suicide? Well, for one thing the hopelessness, helplessness, feeling worthless, or thinking that living is not worth it can just push a person to the edge. I am quite familiar because I have lost a sizeable number of people ranging from relatives to friends, to classmates and even a work trainee from suicide. I haven’t even counted those who died from natural deaths, those who got killed either in combat or by rebels, or through illnesses. The suicide-related ones just affect me so much because I felt survivor’s guilt, because I haven’t ended my life yet and these “seemingly-happy” people did. My stomach got all knotted up right now, just thinking about it. Especially when I recalled the trainee that killed themselves due to depression. I didn’t mentor them personally but I sorta felt that this person had depression and again, I didn’t reach out. Even then when I was already aware of being an empath and all that jazz. I just gave myself a break after sometime because to be honest, I had no idea how to heal others back then. So... Yeah. But still, survivor’s guilt is real.

RELAPSE ISSUES CONCERNING SUICIDAL THOUGHTS (HOW I HAD THEM)

This is the part where I will be explaining based on my own experiences why some people who were openly-depressed that “seemed” to have gotten a lot happier and brighter suddenly end their own lives with no warnings. Not sure about other people’s ideas, living or dead, but for me, it’s all about the relapse.

Depression relapse, that is. You may be much more familiar with alcoholics or drug-addicts who went to rehab, got all better *or so it seems* but then goes to relapse and either ends up getting even more addicted or worse, having an overdose and dying. Well, again, this is based on my own experiences but for me, because I am not on any kind of medication for my chronic depression so naturally, despite all my conscious efforts on fending it off, it comes back, with a vengeance. All the pain that I feel, all the thoughts that consume what small speck of happiness I have left become even stronger than before, and whatever I did to relieve myself of the pain just stop working no matter how many times I do it. Everything just feels sucky and my pains do not get relieved. I just cry and cry and let the wave pass, allowing a bit of relief, but then they just come back in waves of endless and bottomless anger and feelings of doom and gloom. It feels like I’m forever falling into the abyss of nightmares and frankly, the only solution I see clearly at that point is again, killing myself. Again, because I’m scared of pain, I did whatever I can to escape the pain, thus me ending up learning a lot of bankable and unbankable skills that, quite frankly amused some people I meet once the depression has been controlled somewhat and I got to socialize again.

If I survive long enough to at least raise my happiness levels a bit, I can continue to live, even for a day. I just tell myself “Well, I guess I’ll just have to die another day.” For each time that I tried to escape my pain and my urge to kill myself, I find something new to experience, learn, and have fun with. Thus, the skills I have, the dumb experiences I had, the movies and shows I gave so much of my love to, the ties to people I hold dearly, were not only borne out of a small curiosity, but mostly to prevent myself from ending my life right now. I don’t know how people will react to that, but for me, my hobbies, my passions, are not just due to the fact that these things are worthwhile. For me, these are my LIFELINES. If I didn’t have them, I MIGHT HAVE DIED A LONG TIME AGO. These are also the reasons why despite how many people or the public would shame other people for having weird hobbies or passions, I just let them be happy. I like seeing passionate people, because not only do they look so happy and pure, but also because for me, that might also be their lifeline. So that they CAN STAY ALIVE, because LIFE SUDDENLY HAS MEANING. And who am I to tell them what they or what they cannot do? *unless it’s illegal or hurts other people deliberately, or both. I have limits*

And... Unfortunately, for some of the people who took their own life out of their own accord they may not have been fully aware of it, but when they got out of the funk, they might have thought that YES I AM NOW FREE FROM ALL THAT GUNK. I’M GONNA BE HAPPY, I CAN LOOK FORWARD TO THE FUTURE, ETC. ETC. but noooope, depression is pretty clingy. It comes at the most inconvenient time, right about the time when you thought you’re almost at your goal, or at the time when you feel like you’re about to have that breakthrough. Once anybody who has been recovering from depression falls back into it, the urges, the pain, everything just gets even worse. Everything sucks maybe a hundredfold compared to last time, maybe a million times more. Everything just feels so overwhelming, and heavy, and it cuts through your entire being. The way out just got caved in and now there is no way out other than suicide. THAT FEELS AND SEEMS LIKE THE ONLY WAY. And for some of these people who actually take the plunge and succeed, this is the part where their loved ones who were left behind would comment things like “But I thought they were happy.. They were looking forward to the future.. They had so many plans.. They weren’t showing any signs...” etc. etc. Of course they won’t, and they probably had plans. If anything, they probably wanted to get out of the funk for the rest of eternity. BUt DEPRESSION IS ONE CLINGY F****R my friends, seriously. It is. It will slam everything in your face if it isn’t properly handled, either though holistic means or modern medicine methods, it will certainly choke out the light of any person who just do not have the means to fight it, let alone keep it at bay. Especially when it gets pushed aside. A lot. Each time you succeed at pushing it away or dealing with it, if it creeps into your being, even through just a small crack, it comes to you with a force stronger than a wrecking ball. It’s more of an avalanche. And it will bulldoze anything away till the entire path has been completely covered. Still scary as heck. Thus with each round of its return, it gets more and more strong, thus the need for better ways of fending it off. Or better yet, just facing it head on by all means necessary.

FACING (MY) DEPRESSION HEAD-ON (BY ALL MEANS NECESSARY)

Disclaimer: Again, before I start this section, I will remind everyone that this entire post is all my personal experiences as well as my own opinions on this matter, so please do not take this as a medical or health advice. You can take this as a spiritual advice and you can even ask me about it. I’m glad to help. Other than that, please seek professional help. BY ALL MEANS NECESSARY. I am not responsible for any losses of any kind due to following my own personal methods here, any bodily harm or mental injuries sustained by the end user are done of their own accord, and I am not liable for such losses. Everything here with regards to methods are RISKS. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

OK. Now that’s out of the way, I will now write here how I deal with my own depression and suicidal thoughts,assuming that I’m still here. I’m not saying that I will not kill myself yet, but I am fully aware that other things can kill me and therefore those won’t count. Also, I haven’t watched the entire Fantastic Beasts franchise yet, and my need-to-watch anime and series lineup is still long, plus Avatar The Last Airbender is gonna be on Netflix next year so nope, I still need to live.

Kidding aside, here is what I USED TO DO whenever the relapse comes in full-swing:

Binge-watch anything I’m interested in

Binge-read whatever is available

Binge-doing whatever activity I’m into at the moment (drawing, reading Tarot cards, learning Japanese, cooking weird food, etc.)

Binge-like anything on my tumblr feeds

Get super-obsessed with the canon and headcannon biographies of fictional characters (Hi wikia and AO3 lolol)

Cry and cry and cry even if I don’t know why (It doesn’t even matter how hard I try lolol did you sing that part in your head lol kidding I am trying to lighten up things here)

Of course, after doing all of these, I eventually end up wanting to die because the problem or the cause of my depression remains unsolved. Notice that I didn’t put “contacting close friends” or “connecting to loved ones” there. Because I don’t. I was never raised to ask for help, I was raised to do shit alone. And that also killed a huge part of me because quite frankly, I know that I need help but whenever I tried to reach out I get put-out or shushed, so eventually I never bothered to ask for any help. I just stuck it out all alone. While this method is typically great for doing GROUP PROJECTS by yourself (and cursing the other members out loud or in your head), this is definitely NOT ADVISABLE when dealing with mental health issues. Of course I didn’t know these back then, there was no internet, I didn’t have friends or relatives to talk to, plus I had no idea (or the people around me for that matter) that I was actually depressed. At 7 years old. Maybe 6. Around that time. This was in the early 90s.

But in this day and age, thanks to the internet, more and more information can be shared. Even better is that support groups are actually available, and you can join forums too, so people get to share so many stuff. Of course, I tried that, and it worked for about 6 months before I realized that in most groups I joined in, they weren’t exactly dealing with the depression in the most empowering way, so I got stuck in the victim mentality for a very long time. And the cycles of off-on depression mode kept getting worse each time. That’s when I decided to do things differently, and again, without drugs. FACING THE DEMONS IN MY HEAD is what I call it.

These are currently my go-to combination of methods when dealing with a depression relapse:

Shadow Work - Originally by Carl Jung, the principle is basic: identify the parts of yourself that you rejected due to external pressure, and heal them by understanding why it was rejected and suppressed, releasing the emotional charge by crying it out or something to that effect, and accepting that rejected part fully and without any regret. These aren’t the exact steps by Jung, but I just modified the method for myself. It’s pretty harsh because you need to face past trauma without any emotional attachments, and well, it can also do more harm than good. Only recommended to be done with a professional. Unless you’re a masochist. Just search the internet for Carl Jung and Shadow work for more info, I’m sure it’s quite famous.

Inner child healing - same as previous, but this time focusing more on the inner child (duh). Usually anything that persists for me, I would readily attribute to inner child issues so I would go to that part of myself and relive the trauma. Then pat my inner child and hug her till I stopped crying. By the way, crying is definitely included in almost every step. It’s soothing and also is a great way to transmute trauma. Provided that you’re fully aware of how the trauma happened and you’re able to release it fully. Again, if symptoms persist, consult a professional.

Kundalini Yoga and Meditation - amazingly there are many methods or kriyas and some are for dealing with depression. I call this method “killing two birds with one stone”, mainly because you get a real hard-core workout especially the upper body, and you lift your spirits up. Just search the internet for various methods, but I think 3HO is the one-stop shop for binge-reads. Again, crying is very much a part of this method because at some point, it will all just flow out.

Sound therapy - crystal singing bowls, gongs, tingshas, binaural sounds, isochronic music, subliminal messages, the works. I usually go to Youtube and just binge whatever I need at the moment. Sometimes I feel at peace, other times I just randomly cry. It just happens.

Energetic healing - again, there are numerous methods. I usually go for Reiki since it works for me, and because I can channel a bit more energy either from the original video or music, or on my own. Crying is again, an optional but very helpful step.

Emotion Code - This is the latest method I have learned, and tried. Created by Dr. Bradley Nelson, this method allows suppressed emotions, those you experienced yourself as well as the ones you inherited to be released from your body. You only need this chart, a fridge magnet, and determination. Also crying, if you can.

The stuff in my WHAT I USED TO DO list. - Seriously, self-healing depression is a very tiring and exhausting activity. Please, by all means, make yourself happy. In fact, YOU HAVE TO CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY TO SURVIVE THIS GRUELLING ACTIVITY. Whatever means necessary. Don’t worry, I won’t judge.

Other methods I tried in the past:

Parts work - It is like Shadow Work, but the rejected parts of your self have different age groups. I discovered it before Shadow work and for a while I tried my best to do it, but I still didn’t mesh with it after 2 months so I did Shadow Work instead. Maybe I’m just not cut out for it. I recommend the late Pete Gerlach’s website for more info and even methods and stuff. Super-educational, with some drawbacks. Still it maybe useful for others so please take a look.

Diet adjustments - Some say that food and nutrition affects moods,and maybe yeah, because many foods do create metabolites that become converted into chemicals that eventually become hormones. But for me, it didn’t work as well as the other methods. I mean, I eat a lot of veggies and fruit even before I was depressed and spritually awakened, and quite frankly nothing in this area changed me so I don’t include this in my list.

Again, note that I still haven’t included talking to other people in my list. Because again, I just can’t accept help properly, and I still want to do things on my own. HOWEVER, I tell the people I care for the most and also care for me that I HAD a depression relapse. I tell them after I won the battle, even for that moment. It kinda helps a lot. But this time I don’t want to energetically tie myself to others, I have to transmute my own shit so people won’t have to get mine. I also shield myself so their stuff won’t stick to me. It’s how I understand how karma should be worked out of our systems, it’s a DIY thing. Otherwise you just add more karma on top of your own.

Well, I don't know how to end this post, apart from the fact that this is still an on-going process for me. Case in point, honestly I am literally crying right now as I type this last part out. It took me 5 hours to type and it's a post worth almost my entire life so far, but I hope it's all worth it, for anyone who needs help in any way. I am not glorifying depression or suicide or even addictions here, I am putting this out there as information. This post has been at the back of my mind since the Lion's gate but I relapsed and I just got back so I could write it as orderly as I can. So please, I hope this post won't be misquoted or skewed or even be taken out of context. Again, this is mostly for educational purposes only. Especially when you feel like you're in the dark night of the soul.

Anyway, I hope this was helpful in any way possible. If you need any help *spiritual and/or energetic only, not a doctor guys* just shoot a comment or a message, and I'll see what I can do.

I hope you find the healing you seek. In love and hugs from Source above.

Mikazuki

三日月

**Special Note: While this whole thing is free to heart, share, attach a link-back of the original html (href, if you know what I mean), and to cite in any style (APA, MLA, Turabian, etc.) around 10-20% of its content, please, under any circumstances, FOR THE LOVE OF GLOB DO NOT COPY AND PASTE AND DECLARE THIS AS YOUR OWN. These are my own personal experiences, basically these are parts of myself that I need to transmute in order to heal. However, as this is already an output it is now included in the do-not-steal-entirely-or-else sections of the internet. Especially for people who just simply steal other people’s work as their own. I used to work as an editor and even now I do my best to cite sources, or at the very least insert links to sources that I actually used. Be respectful of content creators, large or small. Don’t take away from us the things that we made with all of our hearts. Those are the only things that help keep us up. Also, because you have no right do that you know. And just a reminder, Karma is a real b****. Just saying. Thank you very much for understanding. PS. If you found the information in this post to be very helpful, insightful, and of great value to you and your own personal journey, please feel free to reblog, share and heart/like, or if you feel super-generous, energetic exchanges are welcomed! Please click here and use this email address: [email protected] you so much and be blessed!

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cuddleslutloki · 5 years

Text

2018 fics, a year in review

i’m a madman, but even my crazy ass probably won’t finish and post another fic in the last 6 hours of 2018, so here are all the fics i posted on ao3 this year, plus some thoughts on each!

Hemlock Honey and Silver

this was my last ever supernatural fandom fic. literally the end of an era for me since i was in the spn fandom for so damn long and wrote so much fic, about two-thirds of which has been orphaned on the archive at this point because i didn’t like the stories anymore lol.

i do like that one, though, and i’m actually alright with it being my last ever spn/destiel fic

Fire In Your Veins

this was my first time posting thorki fic! i was so, so nervous about it, but everyone in this fandom is so chill and lovely. i still like this one, and i don’t think i write enough 69ing lmao. also this fic was obvs the start of something bigger bc. i mean. i’ve written so much damn fic now lol since i only started posting in june. i was worried that i wasn’t going to be writing anymore, or that i’d never be posting on ao3 again because it had been literally 2 full years between hemlock honey and silver and the fic that preceded it. then i fell into thorki and i started writing fic and it’s just been such a huge, huge thing. bc i’m also writing original stuff again for the first time in forever.

Underdressed and All Out of Time

a direct sequel to fire in your veins, i really like it. i felt like i was able to characterize loki fairly well in this one bc i was very insecure about the way i wrote loki when i started out

A Thousand Teeth, Yours Among Them

who doesn’t love a fic title from a hozier song? i remember writing this fic and wondering if it was any good and if my characterization was okay and still being nervous and insecure in my writing, but it’s been very well received so i kinda got my inner critic to stfu which is nice lol. i also really enjoyed doing this vignette style story

To Always Face the Sun

what if :) loki was happy :) and thor had his brother back :) lol i really liked writing this and having loki being such a little shit tbh. can we tell that i like a happy ending in fic?

Blue On Gold

so i wrote an arranged marriage fic where they never actually get married and it’s still 15.8k lmfao. also the return of the vignette style, which was fun bc i got to do short, impactful scenes and build the narrative with them. i remember sitting at my desk at work, on my phone, writing this fic, then coming home and editing on a damn tablet bc my laptop bricked earlier this year

the warmth of your doorway

i meant to capitalize the title but at this point i’ve decided to leave it lol. i really loved writing this bc i felt very confident in the way i was building the scenes and the detail i was able to incorporate. i feel like this is where i really kinda go my voice back and i start to come into my own, if that makes sense? one of my fave fics i’ve ever written tbh. there’s a longer ‘verse for this, but after i finished this fic i got too distracted by new projects to try and continue it lol

Tell Me

this was my first trans!loki fic and he’s a trans man, and god i love it. i’ve got another ftm loki story as a WIP in my gdocs bc this story showed me how much i fucking love writing trans characters, and i really enjoyed the dynamic i put into this fic. there’s a sequel planned lol it’s gonna be dirty

Interwoven

i still haven’t managed to ever find the post that inspired this damn fic and if you wonder whether that drives me up the wall the answer is yes (: and fun fact! i intentionally never describe loki’s genitals in this fic, bc i was picturing him as a trans guy since i’d just written tell me and now i have a massive obsession with writing trans romance and erotica

Tie Breaker

in this house we love and appreciate bottom thor!!! also i loved writing the sparring at the beginning. it makes me wanna write more fics w/ brutal fight scenes lol. thor’s slutty drunk cape outfit is iconic and i’m gonna read that comic just for that outfit honestly

Pretense of Subjugation

i became drunkenly obsessed with loki manspreading on the throne of asgard and this was the result. this was the first thorki fic of mine that i’d had beta’d and it was vastly, vastly improved by it. the tips @ktspree13 gave me when she helped with this fic have affected literally every single fic i’ve written since

Double and More

so this is not the first thorki fic i ever posted, of course, however it is the first i ever started writing. i got to the point where loki’s in thor’s lap and then i kinda blanked out and let the fic sit for like... 2 or 3 months? then i opened it back up and i was like “oh i like this i should finish this” which is why i don’t delete anything anymore bc there’s always a chance i’ll come back to it

Ringback Tone

y’all owe @thotki for the wondrous idea they presented in discord that ended up creating this fic. i think i wrote this fic in like 3 days bc of how much fun i was having with it. the dirty talk was my favorite thing to write in this and i remember distinctly having this [:< moment when i was daydreaming about it

Seldom All They Seem

there was an impromptu bottom thor day back on 20 oct and this fic was my contribution. we can never have enough time travel, can we? i remember i think i took like a four day weekend from work and part of my motivation was literally wanting to finish this fic in time to post it lmfao

Fluffy Thorki Sunday Ficlets

i started doing fluffy thorki sunday back when i was on bourbonbucky and i continued it here, and i’m proud that i’ve written at least 1 piece for fluffy thorki sunday every sunday since i started. i love doing fluff and smut, and honestly even when my mood has been shit, i’ve always felt motivated to try and improve it at least enough to write some nice fluff. i put all of these on ao3 once i moved blogs

Let Love Disrupt

this is another fic we owe to discord lmao. i remember posting this when i was either very drunk or very tired and having to keep going onto ao3 on my damn phone browser to correct minor shit, and some not so minor shit like a typo in the title bc at first it said “distrupt” and that’s why i only post when i’m awake and sober now lmfao

Without Fear

i love werewolves (: a whole bunch (: and this fic is something dirty and wonderful that i’m proud of and THERE’S ART bc @nekokat42 is a blessing and takes commissions. kot i love u :3

On the Other Side Like Always

i have a lot of feelings about this fic. there’s an entire future in this ‘verse that i would so love to write, but i’m stuck on where to go with it. as it stands i am satisfied with this as a story of thor and loki coming together, and a story about how loki does something out of desperation but is finally given something genuine and comforting in his life like he’s always deserved. THERE’S ART from the wondrous @boltplumart / @mrhiddles bc allie is perfect :]

Runaway

when i tell y’all i’m a trash gremlin king. i do have a thing for writing underage characters with adults (probs due to messy personal history lmfao ain’t gonna look at that too closely) and so writing this one was a fun little bit of self indulgence. also it’s dirty and really plays into codependency, which i always like writing bc it’s a fun thing to explore in fiction

Sunset Rhapsody

this fic. was supposed to be. two thousand words. at most. then thor smiled at me, as the writer, and was like “i want to own him” and we ended up with 11k of thor’s obsessive bs and loki being brutal. joking aside, i love this fic, i love what i did with it, i have an original story i wanna write for my size kink anthology that will follow a similar thread to this one. also that torture scene. i don’t recall if i ever properly wrote torture before, but this did kinda make me squirm a bit when i was writing it and if you’ve read it you know precisely which scene i’m talking about lmfao

Right to Guard

this fic was honestly very emotionally satisfying for me in a pretty visceral way. writing thor just surrendering to love and spoiling the fuck out of loki was pretty damn cathartic.

A Bite of Lamb

me making sure i never lose my title as a trash gremlin king. honestly writing thor’s POV in this fic was like >.> at myself a couple times bc it felt distinctly dark in a way i’d never written another character. a very, very unhealthy kind of obsession and this twisted logic where he’s trying to make it all okay. i really fucking love this damn fic tho and i’m happy with how it came out.

Seamless

i was so, so frustrated and pissed off at work that i needed to let that shit out, so that was channeled into this very guilt-ridden turned tender fic, and i really enjoyed writing it. loved writing thor taking care of his baby sister. also! KOT IS FUCKING AMAZING and drew this bc they’re such a good fucking person ;A; like they sent me a message and just said “really liked this scene” and i was D Y I N G and i still am. thank you again, kot!

The Way A Rose Blooms

this was written for the thorki secret santa exchange! i drew @chickcheney and honestly the list of prompts was so, so good. bottom thor, arranged marriage, semi-public sex and trying not to be caught, body worship. i was like “damn did i draw myself wtf” bc that is all up my alley.

Sugar Cookie

i honestly could not think of a better fic to finish off 2018 for me than sugar cookie. porn and emotions that’s all this is, but it features loki as a trans woman being loved and appreciated as she is with nothing extra expected of her and it was so satisfying to write. it makes me want to write original romance with trans women, which i’ll definitely do bc i loved writing this hungry and tender story and i’m very happy with how i ended it.

so that was 2018 for me!

#baylen fic

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