#edmr

[emptyoutthebrainjar]

Therapy level unlocked yesterday. Finished processing a big difficult memory. My brain is now tired even the next day, but I feel calmer and much better.

[araindance-in-traffic]

I’m starting EDMR next month and I’m so terrified and excited all at the same time.

[emptymanuscript]

How I Found Out I Had DID

Because EMDR keeps being a very weird experience, I'm looking around this afternoon to try and find if there is any such thing as a non-dissociative Identity Disorder.

Because I am still pretty damn sure I do NOT have DID. I've seen essetially 0 signs of it besides for some of my parts being a bit more individuated than might be average as far as I can tell. But... as I said, EMDR is being intensely weird. Not bad. So far I would actually say it is pretty good. Scary but good. Certainly way better than the Ketamine treatments, which strangely feel like the closest experience I've had to it, even though they've been totally different. ...Closest doesn't mean close. 1 million is the closest to 1 out of the choices of 1 million, 1 billion, and 1 trillion. So... you know... there it is.

My google foo has failed me so far.

But then I hit this video...

And her talking about Mistletoe... <_< ... like... my favorite part has wings and claws. And yeah, I absolutely do feel that. She lives on my back, I feel her all the time.

:/

Not about her, I'm happy about her. Like, the joke about having a friend around all the time, yeah, my favorite part is like that. I actually feel a little bad bad - which she says to shut up with that about XD - about how much emotional support work she does for me. She IS my constant companion and is kinda my imaginary friend in my head who is not only always there for emotional supoort but also will actively stick her head forward to give emotional support whether I want any or ask for any or not. She's fairly intensely sentient. Like, I know I'm imagining her but she's so very real. Like, some little part of my mind - she wants me to know that she is very much NOT little, thank you very much, XD, not even any part of her - but some fragment of my brain is sort of dedicated to being her and running her independently from... the main program for lack of a better word.

But what the system in the video is saying about the feeling of the wings and the physical feeling of discomfort and... just all of it... yeah, that rings a bell loud and clear. That's harmonizes with my experience.

Which I already kind of knew.

I've used DID as a metaphor plenty when it comes to talking about how I work. But... AS A METAPHOR. Like, yes, this reflects how I feel well, so I'll do lots of parts work and fiddle with IFS and do soul collage of my parts etc. It's useful. A tool. Not diagnostic.

My trauma is so mild that I have real... like, what trauma are we talking about here? If anything I've kinda had top tier playing on easy mode born on third base life. It's part of why I have such a hard time figuring out why I have all these mental problems. Nothing happened.

But I've had three different discussions between my therapist and parts now.

Some of it feels made up. I'm a creative. I'm a storyteller. Having an amazing imagination is my FEATURE, bug isn't even under consideration. But... it also feels way more real than I'm comfortable with.

I, A, & Y have all spoken, moved, and acted very differently. I feel them differently. And not just from each other, I feel them differently from my own expectation. Like, Y almost sounded at times like she had a speech impediment. She even addressed it. She talked about having trouble being "down" in my body and using that physical space and she had difficulty with the word "difficulty." She kept stumbling over it. She had trouble speaking... when I imagine her as having this loud clear authoritative voice. Like God talking. But the words actually coming out of my mouth...

So...

Yeah...

I don't know.

I STILL don't think I have DID. I'm not sure that I have clinical anything besides depression, anxiety, and dysphoria. Which is quite enough, thank you. But personality is feeling like an increasingly accurate description of my parts :/ Y even made a point today of describing herself as a created thing vs A who was a natural thing. She said A would be there as she was whether I did anything or not but that she was there specifically because I made he up, I had simply made her up with enough of the correct stuff that she could function and grow.

They even talked about different goals in integration today :/ A said fairly specifically that she wanted integration but not unification - that we belonged together, neither of us have any desire to be without the other, for her it is about being able to go wherever we want - just very much not away from each other - so, you know, room-mates, right there, but still separate identities. While Y said she suspected that full reintegration was probably the right thing for her, so that we were unified because she isn't really meant to be separate as far as she can see.

And ALL of that is profoundly weird and uncomfortable and... I don't have DID.

And being A was kind of wonderful. Like, the total opposite experience of being Imperius. Like if I could have anything - just deleting Imperius sounds great. I am not looking forward to invoking him again, even if we're all pretty sure that integrating him is the way to go. But like, fuck. Yeah, I'd be A again. That was so cool. I have so many experiences with her now, like, yeah if that is what DID is like, I probably WOULD be happy to have it. And I can hear her in my head saying "YOU would be happy. I'm the one who has take care of you." She is only teasing but there is truth to it. She makes total and complete sense as a coping mechanism. To have just... yeah, someone you love piggybacking around and living on your back so they're always there, always a friend, always ready to give support even if she really would love a nap, please.

It's just it comes with Imperius, too. And that... I have been trying to figure out the benefit of I for years. I'm still trying to figure it out. It's like living with an abusive parent. I just lives in my body instead of in my home. We share space and neither of us wants to share at all. It's miserable. And it is not an exaggeration that we would kill each other if we could. We just can't. Or I suppose, I'm pretty sure I can't kill him. He's pretty sure he can kill me and thrive once I'm gone.

And it's just... weird. Can I fake my own DID for myself? I would say that it could be I's latest trick. He likes to lie and cheat and manipulate. But I'm pretty sure he couldn't pull off A and Y. I don't know, maybe Y for a bit. It would be hard but possible. Anima? Not a chance in hell. I don't think he could understand that well enough to fake it.

...

And that does mean personalities :/ still probably not DID. But... closer than I'm comfortable with.

I am now just... uncomfortable with it all.

I want to bury myself in research and logic.

And A and Y say pretty firmly that I should go be physical. Take a walk. Touch grass. Less braining more living. And I think I should listen to the people I love on this one.

[king-ludwig-ii]

T shirt that says I still have social issues and trauma from things that happened over a decade ago

[evil-gay-person-inactive]

news about aida

Hey guys I'm kinda going through some shit mentally and I'm probably going to be significantly less active than usual. Some of you may have already noticed my decline in activity, some may have not, but I guess I'll be going on a semi-hiatus until... date to be determined :)

Feel free to reach out and talk to me on Discord, but you've been warned, I'm not always online there.

I love you all so so much and I'll be thinking of you guys while I'm away :))

[neige-leblanche]

im so sorry but this is beyond parody

[notveryshrugemoji]

My friend came for a sleepover and taught me how to roll a joint

[tvslashers]

i rlly like my therapist :) sorry ma’am that you have to do therapy on like 5 different people simultaneously :( but she’s really understanding and patient and has helped me navigate my condition more :)

[beekindalways]

Nothing like making your therapist cry on your first session of E.D.M.R. Therapy. I came across trauma I didn’t even know was in my brain today.

First session down for the EDMR- it was hard but I’m so proud of myself for doing this.❤️

[littlecornerinbrooklyn]

i think i have to work on being less judgemental

but i also love to critique everything so

dilemma!

[thekristen999]

.

[joebuck420]

i remember when i wanted to kill myself and never wanted to get better but at least i didn't think i was a bad person, then i made mistakes and didn't want to die but for the first time in my life i was like, am I a bad person? who still wants to stick around?

and now i'm like, i'm stuck with this bitch for life, the skies are filled with smog i had a pot of coffee to finish for myself, it'll be fine. i just have to learn how to process it all

[affiliatedcounselingservices]

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[unwounding]

I honestly don't mind the bipolar disorder; that can be managed with medication and dbt skills. It's the PTSD that's beating my ass and there's no medication for that, and I neither have the time/money to treat it intensely though God knows I tried with that expensive program where I was getting thirty hours a week.

[olivebranchtherapygroup]

EMDR Therapy in Somerville, NJ

EMDR Therapy, or Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing Therapy, is a psychotherapy that helps people heal from emotional distress or trauma. This established therapy shows that much like how the body can heal from a physical wound, so too can the mind heal from a psychological trauma.

Through imagery, mindfulness and other cognitive techniques, EMDR Therapy works to meet your needs. Typically, EMDR Therapy requires you to focus on your anxiety, or traumatic thoughts, while doing back and forth eye movements, listening to alternating tones, and/or feeling alternating vibrations in your hands. This process helps the brain to resolve emotional trauma and gain insight into your circumstances.

The majority of reports show that EMDR Therapy is more effective than traditional forms of therapy, expediting the healing process. Here at Olive Branch Therapy Group, many members of our clinical team are certified in EMDR Therapy and are ready to help you heal.

How Does EMDR Therapy Work?

There are eight phases in EMDR Therapy. The time it takes to move through these eight phases depends on you as an individual and should in no means be rushed. We believe that it is most important that you first establish a good connection with your therapist and feel comfortable talking to them about your history and what your goals are for treatment.

For each of your anxieties, traumas, issues or “targets”, your therapist will seek to help you work through the eight phases. While some targets many only take you one session to work through all eight phases, other issues or targets may take longer.

After agreeing with your therapist that EMDR therapy is a good fit, you will be asked to focus on a specific event. Your therapist will ask you to pay special attention to the negative image, belief, and body feeling related to this traumatic experience. They will then ask you to also focus on a positive belief that would indicate your issue was resolved.

While you are focusing on your trauma, or target, your therapist will begin sets of side-to-side eye movements, tones or taps. You will be instructed to pay attention to what happens during each touch, movement or sound, and what thoughts or feelings you may have spontaneously throughout the process. These sets of eye movements, sounds, or taps are repeated until the target or trauma becomes less disturbing. At any point in time you can ask your therapist to stop.

Ultimately, EMDR Therapy aims to help gain insight into the past, present and future surrounding your trauma. Through EMDR Therapy, you will form better insights into past memories that are contributing to the problem, present situations that are disturbing, and what skills you may need to better cope in the future.

Who Could Benefit from EMDR Therapy?

EMDR has been shown to be most helpful in those who suffer from trauma and post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD.) While EMDR Therapy was primarily established to help those suffering from PTSD, today EMDR has been found to help those suffering from grief, depression and many other issues.

How to Get Started with EMDR Therapy

You’ve taken the first step in taking better care of yourself. You recognize the importance of mental health and now you’re ready to reach out to someone. We couldn’t be happier to help! Please don’t hesitate to contact our team at Olive Branch Therapy Group to schedule an appointment or if you have any questions. We look forward to helping you find the peace you deserve.