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shinjaeha · 3 years

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ipytm ep 2 (thoughts + spoilers)

i’ve been trying my hardest to forget about iptym during the week so the countdown to each new ep won’t feel as long, but i don’t think i’ve succeeded. with each new ep i feel more and more nervous and excited bc i know the conflict and angst is only going to keep ramping up as the series goes on (and this ep was a good indication of that...not FULL BLOWN angst yet, but the undercurrent of angst is slowly starting to come to the surface). i’m def more prepared for it than i was during itsay, but that doesn’t make it easy ;;;

the standard ‘this is not a proper analysis’ here...i’m completely aware that this post in particular is really messy, but i just had a lot of mixed feelings and thoughts with this ep. one day i will learn how to condense my thoughts better, but today is not that day so i’m doing this under a read more for once bc it’s embarrassingly long 😂

we start off with teh in acting class where his teacher is explaining how you need to be able to understand yourself before you’re able to understand other people (and therefore put yourself in the shoes of the character you’re playing)...which even before i knew where this ep was going to go felt a lot like foreshadowing for the events that were going to unfold in this ep.

the acting exercises are basically a lot like the ones that we see bkpp (and the rest of the cast) having to do as part of their workshops in the documentary eps, so it’s kind of cool to see them incorporate parts of that into the actual show itself. feels more authentic since, if you’ve watched the documentary eps, you know that this is actually what the actors have to go through when they’re learning to let themselves go and get into character.

so through this montage of all of teh’s classes, we get to see how much he’s enjoying learning more and more about his major. it’s truly his passion, and he’s finally in his element. and it’s great that he’s surrounded by so many seniors that are also as driven and passionate about performing as he is...i find it interesting how teh, even from the start, has always been most attracted to people that have the same sense of ambitiousness as he does. in itsay, his best friend (aside from oh-aew obv) was tarn, who had a very similar mindset as him. so here, it’s not really that much of a surprise that all his uni friends are basically the drama club seniors that he sees as role models. oh-aew is kind of that one outlier bc he doesn’t fit that same mould/personality type that teh tends to surround himself with, which is where you can already start to see the discord between them arising. in itsay, bc oh-aew was working towards the same end goal as teh at the time, it wasn’t as much of a conflict. but in ipytm we can see that their paths are starting to diverge more and more. that being said, oh-aew’s someone that teh truly needs in his life bc he offers a different perspective to most of teh’s other friends, and as we can see later on, teh REALLY needs that.

now THIS was one of the interactions i was really interested in. we already knew from the ep 2 teaser that teh isn’t exactly happy with oh-aew’s new friend group, so i’ve been waiting to see how teh acts when he’s around them. everyone’s at q’s house celebrating plug’s birthday, and honestly?? they’re all really sweet and accommodating of teh (they get him sweet drinks bc teh tells them that he doesn’t drink bc it’s too bitter, and they don’t pressure him when he says he can’t drink bc he’s got morning classes). but then the conversation turns to teh and oh-aew becoming actors and earning lots of money (and how convenient that is), and teh starts to get a little riled up. i don’t think they mean anything by what they’re saying (they’re just playing around), but we know that teh's sensitive to this sort of thing, and i think to him, it’s almost like they’re saying it’s ‘easy’ to become an actor and start making bank. teh, who already knows how hard it is (esp since he’s been watching how difficult it’s been for khim in particular), starts getting defensive about it. the focus being on money hits a nerve with him too bc teh is very clearly majoring in comm arts bc it’s his dream, not bc of the money he could make from it. teh and oh-aew’s gang are just on different wavelengths, and you can really start to see how teh’s having trouble bonding with oh-aew’s gang bc of their differing mindsets.

it makes me slightly sad that you can see how worried oh-aew is about teh and his friends not meshing. it’s like we, the audience, are all feeling what oh-aew is feeling...his nervous glances at teh bc he’s afraid that teh might not like them. and the discomfort on teh’s part too. all of oh-aew friends tend to be a lot more like him, relaxed and happy to go with the flow, but we know that teh can be pretty rigid and intense about the things that he’s passionate about. oh-aew recognises this, which is why he’s as anxious as he is in the first place.

oh-aew’s tea tattoo in honour of teh is actually so sweet 😭 it shows how much teh means to him. he really got a permanent mark on his body to symbolise his love for his boyfriend ;;; but from teh’s perspective, it’s literally that first mark of change. it IS a pretty big decision, so i don’t blame teh for being shocked about it, but teh likely sees this as oh-aew’s friends being a ‘bad’ influence on him (which we know gets brought up again later). not bc of the tattoo itself, but bc of what it represents. it’s like he’s watching oh-aew start to change before his very eyes and he doesn’t know how to deal with that so he brushes it away for now.

the framing of that shot where teh and oh-aew are facing each other and then q comes to walk in between them is A LOT like how they used to frame the both of them in itsay and having bas walk in between them. interesting.

HOW MUCH DO I LOVE THE FACT THAT OH-AEW SPEAKS CHINESE WHEN HE’S DRUNK...that’s just plain adorable :’) it’s like he’s reverting back to when teh was teaching him chinese and they were first falling in love again. teh’s method of getting close to him was always tutoring oh-aew in chinese, so it’s as though oh-aew is trying to feel closer to teh again by speaking chinese to him. sort of like he’s trying to recreate that feeling all over again. i also love that this is basically the opposite of that oppo short film ad bkpp did haha.

we got the “ke yi ma” “ke yi” again ;;;;;;;; i love their little domestic moments. they’re so soft when they’re like this (i know we’re gonna have to weather the angst, but i hope we still have a lot more fluffy moments like this too pls). side note, i really love the lighting in these scenes!!

when oh-aew reads teh’s note about the kimchi jjigae and smiles but then reads the “do not skip class” and his smile fades away...oh, oh-aew, i feel u.

so now we get to see oh-aew in acting class, and the difference between oh-aew’s feelings towards class and teh’s feelings are like night and day. teh’s classes make him feel so fulfilled...this is genuinely something that he wants to do. but oh-aew is struggling. he doesn’t have that same sense of purpose as teh bc he’s starting to realise that this might not be what he really wants...he’s trying but just not enjoying it at all. when teh tells him about the casting call, i feel so much dread for him bc he’s clearly not looking forward to it whatsoever, but he knows how much this means to teh...so he’s willing to ignore his feelings for now if teh’s happy :(

is it just me or was this when oh-aew stopped carrying his ‘heart attack’ bag too??

idk this struggle in particular just feels so personal to me. i really identify with oh-aew when it comes to this bc when i was at uni i changed my major like 3-4 times (and changed unis a bunch of times on top of that) bc i had NO IDEA what i wanted to do. even now, i still have no clue what i’m doing a lot of the time. i’m glad that oh-aew at least managed to find some sort of clarity when he dropped in on his friends’ advertising class and realised that this was something that he enjoyed and was good at :’)

teh’s so excited and focussed on this audition that he can’t even see how worried and reluctant that oh-aew is about this. he wants them to have the same dream so bad that he can’t see that this might not be oh-aew’s dream anymore. but anyway, oh-aew is the sweetest, best boy as always. he’s so, so encouraging with teh. so patient. he really such a great balance to teh’s more volatile nature...but that contrast is also what makes you feel so bad for him when teh lashes out at him without thinking (as he’s prone to doing).

i LOVE khim. i just have so much respect for her. she’s always trying her hardest, and it’s painful to see her give so much of herself yet constantly be knocked down. the resilience that takes. i know that that’s part of the industry she’s in, but that doesn’t make it any easier to watch. there’s a lot to be said about how harsh the entertainment industry can be (and the inherent ageism/sexism/homophobia within it), which i don’t have the time to go into here, but having to hear criticism like that...purely based on your looks (you don’t look smart enough, young enough, manly enough, etc.) is so incredibly disheartening. teh commenting on how harsh it is, and khim saying that it’s super common and telling the both of them how they’re gonna have to go through all of that the more casting calls they go to...OF COURSE oh-aew is only going to feel even more dispirited about this when he’s already realising that this might not be his thing anymore.

being able to take rejection and criticism is really fucking difficult (i know i could never do it)...and seeing oh-aew being told that he’s not ‘manly’ enough/too ‘girly’ in acting class and again at the casting call is yet another knock at his confidence. the way you physically see oh-aew get more flustered and anxious as the audition goes on, when he sees the crew shaking their heads at him :((( i feel all the nervousness, anxiety and embarrassment that he’s feeling right down to my very bones. then to walk out from that audition to khim talking about how damn hard it is to keep doing this time and time again only to be continually rejected?? my poor boy :( what’s fascinating to me is how differently the both of them interpret khim’s speech. teh latches on to her words and sees them as motivation to keep going...to keep trying and persevering. like a challenge. but to oh-aew, he just sees the difficulty and rejection. the instability of this career path, and how hard this could potentially be on his family as well. they’re both hearing completely different things.

teh being so happy about his audition even though he didn’t get the part and the way he turns around to face oh-aew directly when oh-aew tells him they said he was “too girly” and how he couldn’t change his personality to be what they wanted :((( pls. i just want to hug him so bad. teh’s “i like you the way you are now” and reassurance that so many other people do too 😭i know he kind of makes a mess of himself later on, but i’m still so glad that oh-aew got to hear that from him at least.

this show is the best at making you feel all that nervousness and anxiety when any of the characters are about to drop some big news. i was waiting with bated breath when oh-aew told teh he wanted to transfer majors. it makes me sad though that oh-aew has to constantly feel like he’s walking on eggshells when it comes to teh...he’s always most worried about teh’s reaction, and that’s prob the main reason why he didn’t opt out of comm arts even earlier. but oh-aew has all these mounting doubts about his major, and there’s only so long he can stick it out for teh’s sake, and the casting call (and khim’s words) really solidified that for him.

teh’s "you haven’t given it your all”/”you haven’t done your best” rubs me the wrong way bc it’s easy to think that way when you’re set on something and know that that’s what you want to do...but when you’re doubting/not sure about something, it just isn’t the same thing. we all have different thresholds when it comes to what we can endure and how much we can put into something. teh’s a hard worker, we’ve seen how dedicated he can be when he really wants something, but not everyone works like this. not everyone can be a teh or a khim. and esp not when they’re having to give their all to something that doesn’t feel right for them. and oh-aew’s right...sometimes once is enough to know that something’s not a fit for you.

when oh-aew mentions that he sat in on advertising class and thinks he might be into it, it’s like a parallel of that scene when they’re kids and oh-aew told teh that he wanted to become an actor like him. only now it’s the opposite. teh’s had this plan in his head that he and oh-aew are going to reach their dream of becoming actors and the lead protagonists in a movie/series together for so long now that it’s hard for him to reconcile that oh-aew might no longer want this as much as he does anymore. it’s like he can see this ultimate goal of his crumbling. so just hearing that it’s bc of q and the rest of the gang’s ‘influence’ that oh-aew sat in on their advertising class in the first place (and this triggered his interest in advertising) is like strike two for teh vs. oh-aew’s friends.

i’ve def mentioned this before, but oh-aew has always been the more pragmatic of the two, whilst teh is more idealistic, so i understand why he would gravitate towards something that was more stable of a career for him. more of a guarantee. he knows that advertising/marketing suits him better (not to mention that he’s always had the resort as his safety to fall back on too), and it’s something that he’s discovering he actually enjoys more in general too.

when i first watched this, i was like “oh wow teh’s matured so much!!” bc he didn’t blow up at oh-aew during this scene...that kind of ended up backfiring on me towards the end, but at the same time, i do think there’s a certain level of growth there since he does end up trying to reassure oh-aew (even if the blow up still occurs later on). it’s a process though...and even baby steps are progress.

8 months later and teh’s walking past that same place he and oh-aew walked by during his first night in bangkok...only now the poster is no longer the same red one. it’s blue... as though it’s signifying that this is just teh’s dream alone now, and teh clearly still hasn’t come to terms with that yet.

i’m really happy seeing oh-aew in a much better place now!! it’s so good to see him happy and actually involved in uni with his friends. but watching teh struggle going through casting calls and rejections makes my heart ache. hearing khim’s experience with auditions, and actually having to experience it irl, are two entirely different things. it’s like the reality of the situation is starting to hit in for teh. and that, on top of oh-aew not being there to support him in the same way bc their goals in life aren’t similarly aligned anymore, is starting to take its toll.

god, when teh lined oh-aew and was waiting for his response i was like nooooo don’t do it DON’T DO IT only for him to open ig to check oh-aew’s story 😭(though it IS cute that they have couple pfps). but we’re regressing. and now that they have different social circles it’s even harder to connect than before. teh feels like oh-aew’s being pulled away from him, into another friend group that doesn’t include him...and his insecurities are bubbling to the surface again. teh’s always needed that reassurance that he’s ‘special’ to oh-aew. clearly, we know that he is...but even now that they’re dating, it’s still something that he questions. and esp now that oh-aew is starting to feel like he’s fading further and further away out of reach.

i love seeing all of teh’s friends encourage him. they all understand how tough it is, and to see them all pull together to lift his spirits again is so lovely. but then his mood completely changes again when oh-aew comes to join them for dinner :( teh’s doing that thing again where he says everything’s fine when everything’s not fine (cue that “they ask you how you are and you just have to say you’re fine when you’re not really fine” meme). the flash to teh’s face when top says that he didn’t pass the exam to get into anantasart, and you know he’s just thinking about how he gave up his spot for oh-aew initially, and now that oh-aew’s transferred, it’s kind of like he’s turned it down twice. oof.

when teh tells them all that oh-aew’s transferred to advertising, it’s as though this is his way of trying to separate both his worlds. like oh-aew doesn’t belong here with his drama club friends, and it’s that pettiness that we got from teh in itsay is back in full force all over again. it reminds me so much of that time oh-aew told the itsay gang that he was a virgin, and so teh told his friends at school that he was a virgin too. or when oh-aew sent him that picture of his and bas’ legs touching, so teh retaliated by putting that pic of tarn on his story and leaning in to kiss her. it’s like he always needs to one up oh-aew. he doesn’t want oh-aew to feel the same bond with his drama club friends that teh has (esp when he sees that oh-aew is so close to his uni friends). where oh-aew was anxious about teh and his uni friends not getting on, teh is anxious that oh-aew and his drama club friends will get on too well so he has to create this distinction between them. kind of like his petty attempt to be all “i have my own friends too!!”, but it’s also combined with that feeling of inadequacy that he might not fit into oh-aew’s life anymore. he might not be ‘special’. idk if that makes sense but basically i think that teh’s feeling a lot of conflicting things during this scene.

when he starts attacking oh-aew at dinner...that was really hard to watch. you ever feel like you want to reach through the screen and just put your hand over someone’s mouth so they stop talking?? it was rough :/ it’s one thing to fight when it’s just the two of you alone, but it’s another thing to tear your partner down right in front of your friends. i understand teh’s feelings (and i know that they’ve been building up over this time), but my frustration was through the ROOF during this. it’s on brand for him, but still. and then poor khim :( i know oh-aew didn’t mean it in that way but the awkwardness of this entire dinner was just overwhelming.

another thing that’s sad about what teh said about oh-aew is that this is a huge sore spot for oh-aew, and it’s always been one of his biggest insecurities. the reason they stopped being friends when they were kids was bc teh said that he was going to quit eventually, so for teh to talk about how “shilly shally and indecisive” he is/how easily he ‘quits’ at things is a low blow when he already knows how much those words hurt oh-aew.

teh has a habit of jumping to conclusions based on oh-aew’s social media posts instead of actually talking things out with oh-aew so naturally it would make an appearance again here as well. and calling oh-aew’s friends “shitty” bc they’re different to him (aren’t as driven as teh and his drama club gang...therefore a bad influence on oh-aew) makes it really evident that teh still has a lot to learn. he really needs to start taking those acting class lessons to heart so he can see that not everyone is the same, and that other peoples’ experiences and perspectives are valid too.

teh’s long pause and “maybe” to oh-aew’s “and if this is what i really am, you’re not gonna like me anymore, are you?” BIG SIGH. it’s so typical of teh. i know he’s honest to a fault, but he REALLY needs to learn to think before he speaks sometimes bc he always ends up regretting it. i love that impulsivity of his, but it’s also one of the most frustrating things about him.

one thing that i find kind of annoying with the time skip is that we miss so much of teh’s festering feelings that it’s a bit harder to empathise with him when he has his eventual blow up?? i think if we were seeing this more consistently, it would be much easier for us to understand things from his pov better. like if we could slowly see this building up more and more as time went on, rather than just time skipping the 8 months until the blow up.

anyway, now khim and top are graduating ;;; i really hope that we’ll still get to see more of them in the next eps. i also love how the people in teh’s life are always so concerned for him (and how oh-aew’s doing). the message behind the book teh gets for khim’s graduation present is really sweet.

when khim first tells them that she’s going to be a flight attendant and teh blows up, i felt really angry at him initially. but upon reflection and rewatching this ep again...i think i understand where he’s coming from a lot better now. obv i still think he was out of line bc of course what khim’s saying makes sense...she can’t keep going to casting calls and scraping by with minor roles when she has to support herself and her family. in the end, we all need money to survive, and sometimes we have to be realistic about it. i really loved what she said about how we can have multiple dreams at once. but yeah, my heart really went out for her so much here :( it might be difficult for teh to see (or accept) rn, but he’s a lot more privileged than he realises. he still has hoon and his mother to support him financially, but not everyone is in the same position. not everyone gets to be as lucky.

regardless, i still understand why teh gets as torn up about it as he does. khim is someone that he’s looked up to and respected SO much...and his own doubts and insecurities have been steadily increasing. first, oh-aew changes majors, then, he keeps getting rejected at auditions, and now, the senior that he respects the most bc of her hard work and determination, is giving up her dream (at least in his eyes) to become a flight attendant. it’s like the world keeps telling him to give up bc it’s not going to work out for him. and he’s invested EVERYTHING into this dream. it’s all or nothing for him. but it’s like everyone else is slipping away, and it’s getting harder and harder to hold onto.

when teh looks at the tie and is reminded of oh-aew always being there to put it on for him :(((((((( ngl i was hoping that teh would be the first one to approach oh-aew (since their fight was bc of him), but i’m glad he apologised at least. and that they had a good talk about their feelings. but then again, this reflection after their fights is what they’ve always been fairly good at. teh just has to learn to stop internalising things so much that he ends up exploding so they don’t get to this point in the first place. so much has flipped from the first ep where oh-aew was the one feeling lonely and out of place. now it’s teh’s turn to feel all alone as he sees everyone’s dreams and goals (but his) start to change. like everyone is moving on and learning to adjust while he’s being left behind.

when they’re promising each other that their love for one another will never change, it just makes me feel so SAD. seeing them in the moonlight like this compared to the first ep when they were on the beach in phuket and teh was so hopeful and oh-aew was so worried :( everything’s already changed so much. making this promise under the moon like this reminds me of how bkpp kept talking about how the ‘ipytm’ title itself means an impossible promise...the two of them hugging in the moonlight as the score plays just feels so painfully bittersweet somehow ;;; my heart is aching, and i want the next ep, but i can’t deny that my anxiety is slowly building.

anyway, i know the end of this sounds so negative but i’m still banking on our teh/oh-aew endgame!!!!!!! it just needs to get worse to get better, and there’s still so much space for them to grow and learn. so many more experiences in store for them.

#i promised you the moon #ipytm #text #i'm sorry this is so long and that it took so long #if you read this whole thing you deserve some type of medal bc idk HOW it got to this point #if only i was able to be this dedicated to my assessments back when i was studying #i was mad with teh during the first watch but that simmered down a whole lot during the second watch #i think it's just hurts me to see him keep shooting himself in the foot #but i know that you mature through your experiences and the way he acts in this is still so consistent with his character #just...can he not hurt oh-aew like this. i just don't want to see him sad anymore pls stop making him sad #ok i'm going to sleep now peace out and until next week where hopefully there'll be some structure to my thoughts for once

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waspenned · 3 years

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IM SO JEALOUS YOU GOT TO SEE CREATION OF ADAM AND SCHOOL OF ATHENS IRL i took art history in high school and now am chock full or random analysis of like 300 something artworks we had to learn and one day i just wanna visit and see em’

anyways! how are you doing today☺️

OUR TOUR GUIDE WAS AN ART HISTORIAN AND A LATIN TEACHER SO ALL OF HER TOUR WAS V ART HISTORY BASED esp looking at the mosaics and the frescos in the museum HER ANALYSIS OF THE PIETA WAS SOOOO INTERESTING I was so glad to have an art historian bc its always interested me over just like.. general history facts... spent most of it trying to remember how catholicism works tho LMAO

ALSO IVE ALWAYS WANTED TO SEE THE SCHOOL OF ATHENS since I first started philosophy bc plato and Aristotle were one of my fave talking points .. im so annoying in my lit classes bc im constantly bringing up plato's realm of forms LOL

im doing great thank u for asking niks <33 lots of writing to do catching up on italian resto (and also uni work I have to write my film script and also apply to a writing program on top of working on a presentation and my radio show and my portfolio and creative writing submissions YIKES) but im looking forward to getting back in the swing of things again

#there were these beautiful tapestries as well #IN THE SISTENE CHAPEL THERES NO CROWN MOLDING ITS ALL PAINITNG ITS INSANE #AND THE FACT IT WAS MICHAELANGELOS FIRST PAINTING PROJECT????????? WTF #im soooo busy I have so many deadlines so close #JUST REMEMBERED I ACC HAVE TO GET PPL TO BE IN MY FILM. AND FILM IT #so embarrassing #even tho they're all my mates ygm #ill have to get them presents afterwards too #saying all this I got an extension on my portfolio its only a few days but should help bc our uni has had strikes recently and I want to go #over my submission w my academic advisor nfirst #also im gonna mess around tonight and get a bit crazy instead od working on stuff WHOOPS #im naught #answered.#penned.#sxfik

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mortuarybees · 5 years

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in terms of binding health i think one of the most helpful and Litcherally Life Changing things ive done is just. buying a binder that’s a size up? like honestly it binds about as well especially if you wear a slightly bigger or thicker shirt to cover up the end of the binder which has been more visible with this one, and kinda disguise the decreased flatness

like jflksdjf the number of times in my life ive had to work around binding is genuinely disheartening like when i went to dc i would always end up having to go back to my hotel room early bc my binder (at that time a full one too) in the heat combined with the exertion of walking miles everyday combined with my back issues was just too uncomfortable to keep going. i never wanted to do anything before or after work (or school when i was in high school) bc i just wanted to get home and take it off and when i lived on campus, deciding whether or not i wanted to go anywhere or do something before or after my classes was always weighed against like. how much i wanted a binder break fjlkds

so day to day now i just. wear the binder that’s a size up and my quality of life is just drastically better, i dont even notice that i have it on and my constant back and rib pain have gotten much more manageable. when i do wear my normal binder it’s much more comfortable

and i think a lot of my issues stem mostly from binding poorly for years as a teenager like i started binding by wearing. 2 sports bras that were a size too small jflsdk and then i had a binder that was just way too constricting and bound from the chest to the hips (i always recommend gc2b half binders lads underworks full length binders are the devil) and i would wear it for 12 hours at least pretty much everyday, sometimes until i went to bed. once i got my gc2b binder it was better but i still bound v irresponsibly

and i did this for a lot of reasons; one, the discomfort and pain were manageable bc i just got so used to it, i only noticed it when it got bad; two, i didn’t know how to manage my dysphoria, it was much worse and i wasn’t good at just telling myself “no, i know the idea of doing this without your binder or taking it off is the worst thing you can imagine, but we’re gonna do it bc sometimes we gotta prioritize physical health over mental health”; three, i was just deeply suicidal and genuinely believed i wouldn’t live to experience any kind of long term complications; and four, i was a dumb teenager and didn’t really connect the fact that binding wasn’t really uncomfortable at first but as i continued to do it irresponsibly and ceaselessly, the discomfort and pain compounded.

this is so much longer and rantier and tmi than my original intended psa but please esp to the young and newly out trans people from your trans dad who’s been binding for seven years, just wear a good binder that fits comfortably (not well, comfortably. honestly my normal binder fits just fine, it isn’t overly tight, the measurements are correct and i can take a deep breath in it just fine but the problems ive created over the years and the way i wear it means it isn’t comfortable) and wear it responsibly. even if you’re confident you’ll get top surgery in the next couple of years so it won’t be a super long term thing, or you believe you won’t live to experience the problems.

#henry speaks #trans stuff #suicide //

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beauzoleils · 5 years

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ABIGAIL COWEN , CISFEMALE , SHE / HER → according to the school records , NATALIE LUCILLE BEAUSOLEIL has been attending sacred heart for the past three years . i last saw them hanging around the john bracken library ; i think they were working on writing her novel . at twenty - one years old , natalie has been studying english literature and get this , i heard that she’ll zone out while writing papers for class and come to surrounded by pages and pages full of archaic languages she doesn’t speak — figure it’s true ? everyone around here always associates them with a moonlight sonata echoing through empty halls , seats in the back row at the opera , and dead flowers pressed between the pages of an old book . in the time since these strange happenings , they have encountered unexplained occurrences .

HI , hello . i’m hannah n this is like . the only thing i’ve been thinking about recently , aka i’m so excited . ok anyway ! i’m 20 , kickin it in the est ! i’m a full time student ( majoring in being a dumb bitch n gay rights and i’m at the top of my class baby . . ) and i’m ALSO a preschool teacher so if i’m ever Not here , i’m with my babies ! ! but that isn’t the reason why ur all here . . ur here for an intro post ! so !

let’s talk abt my girl . . . 𝐍𝐀𝐓𝐀𝐋𝐈𝐄 𝐁𝐄𝐀𝐔𝐒𝐎𝐋𝐄𝐈𝐋 !

okay . so . first thing’s first . i have some Real Things prepared for my girl , including but not limited to :

a pinterest board !

a stats page !

and what i call NATALIE : A TRAGEDY IN THREE ACTS . it’s kind of a bio , mixed in with some stage directions here and there . it’s a quick read n rly gives you that Natalie Flavor if you know what i mean . . so if you feel so inclined n wanna take a look . . but full disclosure it rly does hit different than just reading this intro

anyway ! i’ll give a more condensed version of her bio here n some info abt her personality n some random headcanons . . etc !

𝐏𝐀𝐑𝐓 𝐈 : 𝑨 𝑯𝑰𝑺𝑻𝑶𝑹𝒀

alright SO . our girl natalie was born on april 13 , 1952 to michel and colette beausoleil . it was a thursday , and it was ALSO eleven weeks before colette’s due date , so we all know that can’t be good

( spoiler alert : it wasn’t )

natalie was supposed to be a twin , but the other baby ( a boy named pierre ) didn’t survive . they didn’t think that natalie would , but she did ! unfortunately , her parents were too wounded by the loss of their other baby and it was all grieving and no celebrating .

also . there’s more info abt her parents n how they met in the bio but , a sparknotes version is that michel was a playwright in paris and colette was a ballerina / his muse and they rushed into a marriage

michel made it rly big a couple yrs after natalie was born and so they decided to use that $ $ $ to send natalie away to an expensive boarding school in london called our lady of sacred suffering . it was , of course , a catholic girls boarding school and natalie hated it there

but they hated natalie there bc she was just the WORST catholic school girl of all time , so it was mutual

meanwhile , her relationship w her parents is . . very complicated . her dad is just kind of The Worst across the board , very reliant on drinking , definitely got into drug use at some point , had lots of affairs with the young actresses in his plays . and colette was just . . very sad and very absent so the support was Minimal

natalie has a lot of issues that are all rooted in her childhood tbh .

somewhere along the way , she found a deep passion for Writing and developed this sense of purpose and for a minute things were going very well

which we all know means things are about to get WORSE .

on her eighteenth birthday , natalie receieves a card in the mail from her mother for the First Time Ever . and she immediately is like . huh . well . something is Wrong .

she’s right .

( tw : nondescript mentions of car crashes & death )

a week later , she receives word that her parents were involved in a serious car accident at the pont de l’alma tunnel in paris and her did not survive the accident .

( end tw )

her mother’s family is not convinced that michel should walk away from this without blame and decides to take legal action against him and get him convicted with a more serious charge than just manslaughter .

they promise to keep natalie out of it as much as possible but when it comes time to testify as to whether or not michel had a history of not caring about colette’s life and well - being , the only one who can speak to it is natalie .

so she testifies and it’s her testimony that is the metaphorical nail in the coffin .

( tw : suicide mention )

michel knows it , too . that’s what natalie thinks . he turns up dead in his jail cell the day before he’s supposed to be sentenced . she never knows if he deserved the life sentence he was going to be given .

( end tw )

so then ! she’s an orphan ! but she does gain control over everything that her parents left behind , which turns out to be a lot .

she sells their house in paris , goes to wales to begin university , and hasn’t gone back since then . but like , she grew up in london for the most part so she’s not exactly sad about being away from paris and all the ghosts there .

and now she’s at sacred heart , working on writing her debut novel , which is the ( albeit , dramatized and fictionalized ) story of her parents !

𝐏𝐀𝐑𝐓 𝐈𝐈 : 𝑨 𝑺𝑼𝑴𝑴𝑨𝑹𝒀 .

so basically , she’s got issues .

fictional character inspo includes : jo march , alaska young , cheryl blossom

if you know anything abt astrology . . she’s an aries sun , mercury , and venus . . and a scorpio moon and mars . . and a gemini rising . . i’m so sorry JKDSFM

she’s very emotional but does a super good job of hiding it and keeping all those emotions ( esp the intense n darker ones ) buried away . . deep down where no one could see it

the minute that ppl kind of ? ? but two and two together n realize who she is ( bc . . in my head . . her dad’s whole trial was kind of . A Thing that the public knew abt . ) they’re probably rly concerned w Little she shows any real emotion to the whole thing .

rly she’s just the queen of compartmentalizing n repressing !

she’s very . . Assertive . like , when she wants something she’s going to do whatever it takes to get her way

very Very reckless . she’s like . . so fucking impulsive that it physically Pains me sometimes .

she’s very smart but like . More So , she’s very clever and very sharp with her words . a very fast thinker and a very loud talker

someone please . . tell her to stop yelling . she needs to Relax .

she’s very charming i’ll say it . n like ? seems cool ? the kind of person that you meet and immediately want to hang out w them .

very flirty , has always used that charming smile of hers to get ppl in her corner and she’s not gonna stop now ! she’s very good at making ppl feel special

but like . she means well most of the time sdkfj her heart is in the right place okay

big time trust issues . big time commitment issues . painfully independent and refuses to let anyone know how much she cares about them until she’s like . . Really sure that they aren’t going to hurt her

also very afraid of hurting people , which is another reason why she struggles to get attached to people . she definitely has this deep - rooted fear that Bad Things follower her and she doesn’t want to drag ppl into that

it’s literally a toss - up as to whether she’s going to seem like she’s demanding ur attention or entirely disinterested in it . bc she’s all over the place .

but like . i’m an emotional BITCH so she’s probably going to end up being 100000% softer than i intend bc i project too much soft bitch energy onto my characters Always .

𝐏𝐀𝐑𝐓 𝐈𝐈𝐈 : 𝑪𝑶𝑵𝑵𝑬𝑪𝑻𝑰𝑶𝑵𝑺 .

so many things . literally , anything . just a disclaimer , if u read thru this and had An Idea then like . yes Pls tell me , i want it xoxo

but here are some i have up in the old . . noggin .

EXES . please , please . . for the love of GOD give me some angsty exes nonsense . do you need someone who broke ur characters heart ? consider natalie UR GIRL . she’s Emotionally Damaged and has the capacity to be the angstiest ex of all time , okay ?

give her a weakness . she needs someone who she’s Actually vulnerable around and actually sees her have emotions and knows she’s not just this huge Mess all the time

i rly want someone that is like . from the same ( ish ) bg as her in the sense that like . . they also were surrounded by nice clothes n expensive private schools n Luxury but like . they Thrive in it the way natalie used to wish that she could . n just . i think it would b a super interesting dynamic bc they would just ! clash ! so intensely ! ! n tbh nat would probably b lowkey jealous Still n . spicy !

@ all those ppl who are into theatre : i’m Dying for some connections of ppl who knew / knew of her father n would know what happened w him perhaps on a deeper level than ppl who read it in the newspaper a few yrs ago . . ( bonus points if they lowkey idolized / looked up to her dad bc thats a Big Mess and could b spicy as fuck to explore , u know ? )

idk if any of y’all have characters who grew up in / around paris ? but if there are . . then Perhaps someone who knew her in her youth ?

okay . not to be Trash but like . i rly want her to have a dynamic that’s jo x laurie adjacent ? do they have to be in love w her ? no ! i just want someone that has that genuine bond w her and they care abt each other n goof around n like . . i’m already getting soft on main , huh , ,

she’s soo fucking messy that like . . all the messy fwb / frenemies with benefits / one night stand type of plots . . yes pls

i always want there to b a badass girl squad like . a group of ladies n theydies that take no shit n get in fights for each other n rly truly ride or die w each other . . we can workshop the name ok but for now ? my girl squad is open for applications

okay . let me cut myself off right there but i’ll leave you with my WANTED CONNECTIONS TAG n also again i’m 10000% okay to just brainstorm out something else completely if its what ur feeling !

if u read all / any of this . . i love u . <3 either hmu on discord ( let's go 𝓁𝑒𝓈𝒷𝒾𝒶𝓃𝓈 ! #6227 ) ksdjfskm OR ! like this n i will come to u ! okay , that’s all , bye

#heretics:intro #part 1 part 1 !#im so sorry for this

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ruinmylifc · 5 years

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[ muse #1 ] ●● is that cillian murphy? no, that’s just dante armstrong, the 45 year old cismale who is a 𝐅𝐁𝐈 𝐀𝐆𝐄𝐍𝐓. some say they’re self-destructive & unpredictable, but their family and friends will swear they’re efficient & candid. when i think of them, i think of at least sleepless nights, bullet proof vests, movie nights with the family, confidential case files, last minute therapy sessions, hidden gun holsters, sunday night roasts, clean shaves. i wonder if his family knows that 𝐇𝐄 𝐒𝐔𝐅𝐅𝐄𝐑𝐒 𝐅𝐑𝐎𝐌 𝐀 𝐁𝐑𝐀𝐈𝐍 𝐃𝐈𝐒𝐎𝐑𝐃𝐄𝐑. ●●

yeah, i did another thing and this one is gonna stick bc well... if you look under the cut i have given you all of dante and myself so i apologise for the length but it just flew out of me. i haven’t even put any wanted connections bc that would make it 10x longer. just love me and i will love you all the same.

trigger warnings: medical terminology, chronic illness, hospitals, vomiting mention.

i’m proud to present dante sean armstrong, eldest son of eris dorothy (nee may) and basil wayne armstrong. his sister was born two years later and then came his younger brother another three years after.

his childhood wasn’t exactly rainbows and glorious days of splendor, but it wasn’t horrendous either. their family lived on a property in the countryside and owned some animals. farm work and chores were to be done every day as well as keeping up with their school work.

both of his parents were strict and enforced a lot of rules and there were to be no questions asked. they hounded into the three of them the importance of working hard and providing for the family and that’s stuck with dante. he wasn’t allowed to get away with the things some of the kids these days do ( eyes at all you rebel lil shits ) and dare he disrespect his parents, he’d be punished for it.

UPDATED NOV 24: with that being said, his parents didn’t show their love physically but they showed it in a lot of other ways. long holidays to the beach, constantly spending time together on the lake, picnics, going to sporting events when they could, traveling sometimes, card game nights. spending quality time together was their way of showing love. to this day, that is still how they show their children their love.

dante is incredibly intelligent ( unlike myself so i’m sorry pls bare with me ) and that could be seen from day dot. he was hitting milestones before the average child was and his parents saw potential in him. they pushed him harder than his siblings, with school work and work on the property. basil originally wanted dante to take over the property but once he hit high school, he knew there was no way he was going to be able to keep this boy there.

he graduated high school top of his class with a full scholarship to boston uni for law, so he packed his bags and he was off. he only saw his family at major holidays whilst he was at college as he put his head down, bum up and studied hard with a job on the side.

with that being said he played as hard as he worked and knows how to have fun, so he says anyway. when the armstrong wife comes along we will plot when they met and we will go from there but aside from that! he was a bit of a player, enjoying the attention and action if you catch my drift.

UPDATED NOV 24: cue graduating college, moving to ashcroft in his early twenties and he went to work in the force for two-ish years until he was qualified, fit enough and had the experience to apply for the fbi as a special agent. blood, sweat and tears went into this passion of his and lord behold, he got in. it’s fair to say that dante should be married to his job, bc he honestly loves it so much and worked so hard to get in. it’s a bit sad. that’s where he’s been since his mid twenties. cue actual marriage and along came their first child.

UPDATED NOV 24: the main goal in his life when children started coming into the picture was to go out everyday and protect his family, no matter the cost. if he worked a 80 hour week to solve a case or to lock up criminals, then so be it. that was more people who cold potentially hurt his family behind bars.

dante is a family man as much as he can be, but he finds it hard to separate work and home as they both mean so much to him. so yes, he is a workaholic and the things he has seen through the years as brought him night terrors but he loves his family to death. anyone touches them and he will go wild.

ADDED NOV 24: dante is one of those parents that has always said it how it is, not wanting to lie (to a certain extent) to them or shielding them from the dangers of the real world. he is a softy especially in times when his family are upset, things are happening, appts needed, etc, but he shows a lot of tough love. before he joined the fbi and the kids were little, he was as soft as one could be but with the trials of his line of work, he had to learn to be tough. that unfortunately comes home with him, like his work.

ADDED NOV 24: if there is a problem, dante wants ppl to tell him about it straight away and not cut out minor details. he needs to know everything and as soon as possible so he can help, can work it out whether that be work, social life, family, etc. he is v unpredictable with his response too so one day if someone doesn’t come to him abt something for a long time, he could be rather tame and just move on with it. on another day, he could go off his rocker. you can’t really pick it esp when he comes across as being cold. (he’s not!! he is really warm with those he trusts and loves i SWEAR)

dante not long had become a supervisory special agent when mateo’s case came up. dante found himself being emotionally drawn to mateo and the situation at hand, having always struggled with not letting things get personal. so he offered him protection, took him in and opened up his home for him. of course, keeping him around is detrimental to the case and there’s no way he will be letting him go any time soon, but dante cannot help but feel protective over him. he is putting his family at risk by bringing him in but he doesn’t regret it and is more determined to resolve the case.

UPDATED NOV 24: emilio is now caught and dante is suspended for using his weapon. now begins the process of gather evidence, trials, etc.

personality.

he is completely unpredictable ; you may think he’ll react to a situation one way but will completely go the opposite. he says things that would be unexpected from him and he keeps shit real. he won’t sit there and talk abt the world being a wonderful place bc he will laugh in your face and tell you to fuck off to fairyland. he’s seen too much shit and done too much shit to know that life is not a movie.

he can come across as cold but he just doesn’t like to talk if he has nothing to say and he has a resting bitch face, sorry.

UPDATED NOV 24: it can take a lot to anger dante but when he gets angry, oh you know about it. he’ll yell and throw things and throw a tantrum if it’s really bad but most of the time, he tries to keep quite calm. if it involves his family getting hurt, he’ll get violent, period. no one touches his family.

THIS: as much as he keeps a guard up due to his job and is a somewhat strict parent and whatnot, he is a sweetheart. he’ll make his kids breakfast in bed on the weekends and would come in and kiss their heads when he’d come home from work and he’d be the one setting up easter egg hunts and is MUCH more affection than his own parents. his family’s happiness brings him happiness and they’re really the only people that see him smile often. also, he won’t go to work without telling them all he loves them. always. even if they’re sick of it.

UPDATED NOV 24: also, he beats himself up and is normally the one that tears himself down to shit. once he has his mind set in a bad way, he’ll tear himself to pieces and he really is his own worst enemy. and it’s bad. like, he beats himself up about everything and even won’t sleep at night over little things like having a fight with the kids, or not filling in paperwork right, or not speaking to his wife one night bc he is just too Stressed. v much is not okay

ADDED NOV 24: bc of this he tends to push ppl away, very badly too. he doesn’t think abt himself often and just wants to make those he loves happy, but he just??? can’t sometimes??? and i think that can be so frustrating

bonus point ; he is a very passionate lover!

secret.

in terms of his secret!! when he was in his final year of college, dante was mucking around with a group of friends throwing a football and tackling one another in between lectures. he had run backward off of the grass onto the path to catch the football and one of the guys ran and tackled him, knocking him to the ground with a very nasty blow to the head.

knocked out cold, dante was taken to the hospital were he had a severe concussion but there was no bleeding in or around the brain.

after this he became violently ill ; he knew that concussion caused disorientation but this was weeks, even a couple months after the incident and he was still having trouble. he suffered from severe headaches, vomiting, eyesight troubles and even his personality changed.

dante knew he wasn’t okay so he went to a couple doctors, had a bunch of neurological tests, ct and mri scans and he was then diagnosed with non-communicating acquired hydrocephalus. basically, the blow to his head caused one of the ventricles in his brain to block which restricted the flow of csf ( cerebrospinal fluid ).

with that, a shunt was surgically inserted in his brain to drain the excess fluid to other parts of his body and he has lived his life with this as his own personal secret. he hasn’t told his wife or children and his siblings and parents are the only ones who know ( bc they were by his side ofc ).

UPDATED NOV 24: he’s had regular check ups every so many years and as of lately, the shunt has started to play up and he’s suffering from headaches for a while now. will he do anything abt it? probs not. there has been too much going on for him to even think about himself.

#ashcroftintro.#medical terminology tw #chronic illness tw #hospitals tw #vomiting mention tw #character study ― dante armstrong.#mirror ― dante armstrong.#spotify ― dante armstrong.#aesthetics ― dante armstrong.#answered ― dante armstrong.#memes ― dante armstrong.#family ― dante armstrong.#wanted connection ― dante armstrong.

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blue-bismuth · 5 years

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i’ve had one whole sleep so hey here’s some avery/dan hcs i suppose

- they definitely meet through the theater. dan isn’t super involved in the plays/musicals but he participates in talent shows and takes improv classes with arin so avery’s seen him around, they just don’t talk a whole lot at first

- at some point dan figures he should introduce himself to the person who’s technically in charge of the whole thing and he’s just kinda. enamored by avery? he’s impressed by the amount of stuff they’re running and still managing to be one of the top students in their year (the secret is having absolutely no social life but he doesn’t know that yet)

- (meanwhile avery thinks that yeah dan is cute but there’s no way in hell he’d ever be romantically interested in them, when they’re such a negative person to themselves and dan, to them, is an eternal optimist)

- dan doesn’t think too much of the self deprecating jokes avery makes until one day when they seem...almost insistent on their lack of worth. he waits until everyone else has gone back to their dorms for the night and asks avery if they’re fine (knowing full well that they’re not, he just wants to let them know he’ll talk to them if they want a shoulder to cry on or something similar)

- avery doesn’t wanna approach him with that sort of thing cause they don’t wanna take advantage of him or waste his time with their problems, especially when they know that they’re very stuck in their ways of thinking

- sometime after that avery has a breakdown during rehearsal (for unrelated reasons, likely a straw that broke the camel’s back situation) and they think they mask it pretty well until dan comes to the auditorium afterwards. apparently one of his friends is a part of the cast and they figured avery wasn’t acting right, and they knew dan was pretty close to them so he seemed like the best option for asking them

- and avery, knowing full well they have nowhere to hide on this, just. unloads everything. probably more information than dan needs to know but it’s barely comprehensible anyway considering they start sobbing a third of the way through. it’s not even what’s wrong with them now, but more of just what’s wrong with them in general

- when they’re finally done, dan has no clue how to respond cause before he didn’t really think they had anything more than some minor self esteem issues that flares up every once in a while? but it’s clearly more severe than that. and he doesn’t wanna be condescending to them cause he knows dealing with untreated mental illness is fuckin rough. he still comforts them, and he tries to talk to them before they end up leaving, convinced they’re wasting dan’s time

- he tries to visit them more often for a few days after that. they’re essentially numb after such a bad breakdown so he doesn’t get much out of them, but they don’t seem to mind his company, if nothing else

- (this is partially a hc that avery stays very detached from the rest of normal boots outside of meetings and eating at the same table as them) dan’s kinda shocked to find out that he’s only one of a few people that know their problems are this bad, and he doesn’t really understand why they have so few friends when they’re in normal boots. while they’re definitely closer to some members than others (pbg and jirard for sure), their main focus is on their studies and the theater, and their social life suffers as a result. which means less people know what’s actually going on with them

- dan sure does try to get closer, but it’s hard finding time for just the two of them when they’re completely free. he offers to help them with homework since he’s a year above and that becomes the main time when they see each other. once they actually finish, he tries to get avery to open up about their mental illness more (since it was barely comprehensible the first time around)

- avery ends up pushing him away more though, telling him he shouldn’t have to be their therapist; they don’t wanna burden him with all that when he should be preparing for his life when he graduates from asagao. and knowing that dan changes his strategy

- dan probably has a therapist of his own, cause he doesn’t have the best mental health either. but he knows her methods work for him, and she’s not too far from asagao, so it’s the best shot he has! so he helps avery set up an appointment with her, and hopes that things go well

- over the course of a few months dan starts seeing avery perk up a bit, or at least go from constantly negative to being more neutral. either way, avery tells him that the appointments are helping, and he’s just glad that he indirectly made a difference in someone else’s life (esp. someone he deeply cares about)

- and ofc at some point they start dating bc they’ve been mutually pining for Ages and it just feels good to finally have their feelings out there to each other

#long post sorry #this wasn’t even really headcanons but whatever fhdhsjdndj #asagao si stuff #avery/dan #i would put this under a read more but i’m on mobile so. here we are

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cuddlejeongin · 6 years

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peter-pan!chenle

→ Zhong Chenle x Gender-Neutral!Reader → Genre/AU - Peter-Pan!AU, Fluff → WC - 610 → A/N - This is something i’ve just been working on for a week or two for @ghouljaems and decided to post them. also i haven’t seen peter pan in years so dont hate me if its terrible plz

Okay yall start off as friends.

Yall meet when he accidentally apears at your window lmao

He started coming more often bc he really enjoyed talking to you

He takes you to your roof top just to watch the sunset and stargaze with you

After awhile you two become best friends

Talks about how many places he's seen

Now all he wants to do is to go everywhere with you bc you make everything so much better

Brings you snacks, meals, your fave candies, drinks, and blankets whenever you study

Bc he knows you're very stubborn and won't go to sleep unless you've studied everything at least twice

Flies you places when you need to get your mind off of things

Brings you souvenirs when he visits somewhere without you

Takes on trips for actual dates

They last like a day or two

Bc boy wants to explore and show you everything

Accidentally starts floating when yall are asleep lmao

Tbh,,, tinker loves you !!

And she boasts that you love her more than chenle

Bc you actually do

Shes your fave fairy ever !!

Y’all have the cutest friendship :(

She braids tiny parts of your hair lmao

Picks on everyone but you

Your her fave human

Chenle takes you to meet the boys

You mother them so much !!

Esp Jisung

He is your confirmed son

Y’all hang out at either Chenle’s or your’s all the time

Only leaving when one of you has classes

The rest of you stay there lol

You cook for them all the time

They are your children, no ifs, ands, or buts about it

After a few months of being close friends, y’all got even closer

He would text you every day and send memes to you, telling you the latest piping hot tea

Your itty bitty tiny small crush on him wasn’t as tiny any more lmao

You really really liked him

Shit sis you’re head over heels

You couldn't help but stare when the stars shone off his eyes

Reflecting the beautiful twinkle

Your heart raced every time he patted your head

Or called you an endearing nickname

Or got you your favorite snacks

In bulk as well because he didn’t want you to ever run out :(

Eqti im getting soft N E WEIGHS

How he confesses is amazing

We getting to the good shit now shisters !!

He takes you to your favorite spot

A garden full of beautiful flowers

And in the center are two benches and cherry blossoms surrounding it

He takes you there at night bc its romantic

Before he brought you, he asked the boys to help him set up decorations

Like string lights, food, a blanket, and scattered some of the fallen cherry blossoms around

You are, in simple terms, amazed

Like damn bro is going aLl out

You are like really surprised he’d do this for you

He’s so happy that you love it

He spreads out the food so you can start eating

Ofc its all of your faves

What else would you expect

So hes like kinda making v obvious hints that he hopes that this is a date

You’re oblivious

The guys are hiding behind a bush somewhere tbh

Hyuck done had enough of this bs

“BITCH HE LIKES YOU. GO OUT WITH HIM ALREADY!”

Chenle gives him murderous stare

Like “bItCh YoU bEsT sTaRt RuNnInG”

But then you’re cute and shy

Stuttering and asking if what hyuck said was true

Lowering his eyes he nods his head

You smile so widely, you may as well have been Joker

You pull him into a hug and tell him that you feel the same way

The boys start shouting and run towards you guys and GROUP HUG

Tinker Bell huddles under your chin :((

Man in that moment everything just felt complete tbh

#nctwriters #kpopwonderlandtag #thekpopnetwork #m: zhong chenle #g: fluff #Zhong Chenle #Chenle #NCT Dream chenle #NCT Chenle #Chenle fluff #Zhong chenle fluff #Chenle bulleted scenario #Zhong Chenle bulleted scenario #peter pan!au

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amma-af · 4 years

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mid-life crisis fast approaching lmao.

bruh moesha made 30 seem hella old. im freaking 29, im definitely not old.

do all 30 year olds feel this? is this fucking cliche? is this what being a millenial feels like?

freaking. andell seems like she should be at least 45 shes had a business forever, she looks oldish, hella independent with ehr own moneey, yeah she keeps getting played by her lover but the d is probably great and she doesn’t need “love” bc she’s not dependent on it for basic necessities. but she needs love so she has hope. she’s woke but understanding when someone who doesn’t understand yet. she supports the kids but says it like it is. i can def see some bits of myself in her but bruh, at least 35? bc im 29 and 1 im not as independent, and 2, im def not as old.

but i also kind of get how shes a 30 year old but do 30 year olds get the respect of older people? does andell get respect from older people? idk man tv makes teens look like 20-something and 30 eyar olds look like my mom. dee hangs with andell, she’s def not 30. but then again we hang with older people, no?

are 30 year olds friends-ish with teens and like older folks all at once a millenial thing? i mean i def have older friends bc of work, and hang with my siblings who are a generation older and as a teacher i talk to kids who are teens but i wouldn’t be friends with them? unless you consider my nieces and nephews, and some much younger coworkers.

but if im “superior” to them in some way im basically a mentor and ugh. maybe andell is 30.

that same moesha episode has gotten me thinking about highschool. and what a fucking shitfest it was. i mean, why the hell was i so pressed instead of just being a fucking kid? like, i def ended up where i wanted to and realized it sucked even more (college), esp the way i did it initially, but once i got over the fucking ivory tower and american dream bc i reallized it was never made to include me to a certain extent (the whole identity crisis over foreclosure of identity from the every day--being unwanted by the same thing interpellating its allegiance to you, how all that crap felt of being a --insert almost every pressed identity grouping here-- at a fucking --insert ever agrandized fucking included, repressive identity force here--insitution. high school wasn’t bougie enough i think. like everyone was like closer to the ground class wise so maybe it didnt feel like a big enough ocean yet. a friend told me post highschool or maybe at graduation that im going to be the big fish in the little pond trying to swim in the ocean or some quote like that. fucking i was, if not socially which i honestly didnt even try and fucking got ostracized from anyway, def on top academically and fucking TEACHERS were trying to push me down but like i still got to exactly where i wanted to go. and i fucking had a wonderful time there. got kicked out but became a whole ass human being who found so many homes with people and so many loving arms and caring friends and fucking insane moments and memories and fucking became who i am today--a fucking cool as andell like adult with a full and complete social life if not financial or career life like im ok dude. ive accomplished enough even if capitalist might make me feel like i havent accomplished anything. much like the racist ass teachers made me feel and the racist ass kids made me feel about being smart in a fucking shitfest and where the other brown kids were just in competition with me. i had no friends. i lie, i had a few. and i had the respect of a few. and i guess that makes like maybe a dozen people--hold on let me count, i think 9 people, that im cool with from high school, 3 who are close to me, 1 who fucking hates me post-college life and would try to talk shit or ruin me maybe but i miss her and we were fucking close at some point. and then a bunch of people who probably dont give a shit no longer bc we’re all adults who need to move on with our lives. i hope theyre not petty and hate me just bc of high school.

i wonder if any respect me now lol. aside from those i know, do any of them like feel bad kind of for not being a better person to me? maybe i was a bitch too though. but thats only bc i was lowkey power hungry and just wanted to get into fucking the college of my dreams and had been fed that academic success led to fianncial success and overall joy de vivre or however oyu fucking spell it.

id still be down to be friends with whoever wants but dont have the time or energy to deal with the pettiness. i think this year was supposed to be our 10 yr reunion and idk if theyll do it bc of covid or not but fucking would i even wanna go? im still so traumatized from it idk if id wanna be judged that hard again.

fucking, i wish i was chiller back then. had realized i could be creative and look good and be more confident if i wanted to. but i guess i wouldnt be who i am had that shit not happened but i also suffer from extreme anxiety adn depression now so like maybe, people could ease up on the judgement and hatred and constant barriers and shit talking and like, lowkey bullying down a notch. these white and white washed brown kids had me fucked up.

i wish i had just like, been able to chill and be accepted a little more. but i wish the people who were chill with me couldve been more comfortable or confident in being who they were.

i remember ending freshman year, confident that i would have friends at the end of high school sitting between the coolest and queerest two people i could imagine showing off my hot pink ipod 3G or whatever. and then hanging out in the city with a few people on the last day. i dont even remember what we did. maybe olive garden in times square? it was def times square. the big toys r us in the city with the dance dance revolution. who the fuck were the people with us? was that even freshman year or is that a memory from some other time? i dotn fucking remember much of the good times in high school anymore. more shitty times.

but fucking, if people had been loyal would i have been a diff person? def s j and j and then later n but w during the first year and d all hugn out with me in college. and made freshman year bareable and some sitll continue to make life bareable and for me to feel loved in this day adn age adn i know the freindshipsare genuine now but i wonder if id have more people from high school as my friends just bc i fucking get attached to people bc of the whole empathy thing and like we knew eachother for good chunks of our lives, we should keep up with eachother and make sure we’re ok. but also like, did we even show care back then?

i wish id lived the teen life a little more though. like my husband did. like so many of my more normal than me feeling friends did but i wonder how many of my college friends actually liked their high school years lmao.

fucking. whatever. i probably wouldnt go to the reunion if it happened tho, fucking miss me with that shit.

andell is cool. she didnt get mad at moesha for missing her party since hs ehad a great time on her birthday thanks to her, and instead was proud that she put out a good newspaper. im def like, maybe if aliha missed my party id be happy and proud of her for her acocmplioshed but id still be pouty adn idk if that makes me much younger tahn andell or if thats just the whiny cancer gemini in me.

omg we need andells chart to udnerstand if she’s actually 30 lmao and just mature for her own age or if that show is trippig about depicting her as 30 bc shes def oldr. wonder how old the actress was.

thats an easy google fix but im just gonna keep watching and pondering lmao.

man there were some teachers at that fucking school who did not wanna see me succeed in life. and to have your advisor be that teacher really fucks with you. what a fucking bitch i think she hated me. the other people im friends with loved her tho but i think she was really just a racist. she pushed me hard but made things harder for me for no reason. thank god i got out of there in one piece, and with some confidence left in me.

i need to go to therapy again fuck.

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iamtmblrbby · 4 years

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im khloe.

I’m 20.

At 3, I read my first chapter book.

At 4, I had 500 AR points (and I had my first 2 bullies & black eye that year)

At 5, I read on a 12th grade level (and I sobbed in the counselors office about having no friends)

At 7, I won second place in a state poetry contest

At 8, I was snuck into gifted classes even after failing the test to get into them (and the other kids parents got me kicked out)

At 9, I sang 4 different solos in school choir that year (I went through my most traumatic parental experience I ever had with my father)

At 10, I was student of the year,highest gpa, And principals choice. ( I got on the bus and sobbed suicidally about it because the kids cracked jokes cus everyone thought I was trying to be better than them. )

At 11, I had 3000 AR points. (And deeply rooted self esteem issues started to surface)

By 12, I had a bookshelf full of academic trophies and medals (and I broke them all in anger one day)

At 14, i wrote another poem about my dead dad and won a first place and a spot in the American library of poetry ( i smoked my first blunt snorted my first pill and I never bought the book)

At 15, I never had down to a dress code on my record but I got sent to alternative school for something stupid. (I became the talk of my old high school)

At 16, My mom set it up for me to be skipped from sophomore to junior year and I stayed at school everyday Monday thru Saturday until 5pm (high asl with fresh & itching cuts under my sleeves)

At 17, i made a 28 on the act. I graduated a year before anyone I grew up with. I got an academic scholarship to my number one pick out of state. And I had my first experience living in my own world, but apart from (There was brief mental peace. God had mercy.)

At 18, I had to leave college but got hired at about 7 places. 4 which I would actually go to work for.. the longest being 6 months. I began to have new,deep experiences in love and life. my spiritual views started to form. I began to feel as though I was beginning to live more authentically {haha based on now boy was I so damn wrong but it was a start fr} (I found out I was sick, I bottled up all my non positive emotions about my relationship/partner and was inside a resentful bitter sex addict w control issues and insecurities & outside an emotionally unstable needy & affectionate bitch, my relationship with my only living parent was hell {esp if I was even out of a job for a second}, I cried more than my depression years combined)

At 19, everything started to slowly shift. I got a first glimpse at my real spiritual gifts. (my boyfriend was a fuckboy) I got approved for my first apartment signed my first lease. (I screamed & cried in my room at the top of my lungs the day before moving in) then everything was magic. (I found out my boyfriend was REALLY a fuckboy) I started my music career as Pixi K and my first couple songs would hit the thousands in a week. (I found out my boyfriend was deadass from h*ll or basically somewhere where they don’t have a conscience bc what the hEll *~*) I had my first visions that I can’t tell anybody about frfr bc They’re from light years ahead.

I got lost in the sauce because this became a chest off to the universe and also helped me release those residual emotions from some of those childhood experiences. But There was a direction I was going with this, all my brightest moments to others.. the moments where I used my ambition..or my talent...or my love..or was accomplishing goals just to try to get the same people that made me feel smaller than I physically am to see that I have WORTH/be proud/validate me... have been my souls darkest moments. My mentally darkest moments. My spiritually lowest moments. And the craziest part about it is 90% of it all: NOBODY KNEW. & NOBODY CARED TO KNOW. Imagine trying to please everyone while ur engulfed in flames constantly. but everyone had something to say to belittle, something to do to kick while I was down, something to push me into overdrive, exhausting my energy & will to live.

I don’t wanna perform for nobody myself. I don’t wanna Change for nobody but myself. I don’t wanna answer to nobody by myself. Ion wanna move on nobody time but my own and I OWE IT TO MYSELF. OWE. I’ve lived my whole life for other people. IM SIXK OF MY OWNNN SHIT. I LOVE MYSELF. ALL THESE ACCOMPLISHMENTS PROVE IM OUTRAGEOUSLY TALENTED, SMART DAMN NEAR GENIUS, CAPABLE, I KNOW HOW TO REACH GOALS. AND I NEVER NEEDED ANYONE TO TELL ME THAT OR REFLECT THAT TO ME BY BEING THAT LIKE I THOUGHT I DID THESE WHOLE 19 YEARS. I ONLY GET WRAPPED UP IN THESE FANTASIES N BULLSHIT TO TAKE THE PRESSURE OF FEELING THE NEED TO CONFORM TO WHO EVERYBODY EXPECTS ME TO BE OFF ME.

I only want to be loved. Appreciated. Understood as a human.

At 20, I’m stepping into the unknown. what I didn’t know is I’m actually taking back the reigns on my life and it just feels like I’m losing all control because I’ve never been the one making the choices. In my mind I did, but my mind wasn’t being captained by my soul. It was being captained by the beliefs, the conditioning, the trauma they put on me...the box they put me in. The people I gave the power to make decisions for me.

At 20, I will know what true freedom feels like.

CONSIDER THIS NOTE ME LETTING GO OF EVERYTHING . EVERY PERSON I LOVE. EVERY DREAM IM CHASING. EVERYTHING I CANT CONTROL. EVERYTHING. EVERY VOICE OPINION FEELING I SOAKED UP THAT SHAPED ME IN 19 YEARS. THIS IS COMPLETE SURRENDER. ***ENDLESS WHITE FLAG EMOJIS***

@SPIRIT BECAUSE THATS ALL U BEEN TELLIN ME. SURRENDER. SURRENDER. REALLY SURRENDER.

WELL HERE YOU GO, IN VIRTUAL INK.

I AM A VOID.

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jiminstagram · 7 years

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...scarred (word vomit)

if ppl saw the difference in the content of my twitter and tumblr in the past 24 hours, i dont think ppl would think both accounts are under the same person.

I’ve managed to keep my tumblr free from everything that has happened in the last 24 hours but now i just want to get my own thoughts off my chest about the fire in North Kensington, London. I have too many ppl that I personally know on twitter who would laugh at me writing this so im keeping to tumblr for this post bc not that many ppl know me in person on here.

Many of you may not know but in the early hours of yesterday there was a HUGE tragedy that has affected hundreds of people living in that tower in West London (just type in Grenfell Tower Fire onto google for the full story).

I’ve watched some videos of the fire on twitter and it sickened me to know that hundreds were trapped in that building with no way to escape, knowing that the fire/smoke would eventually get up to their floor and kill them. I’ve never really been someone who has cried at these events (i’ve become somewhat to desensitised esp living in London where we’re suffering from terrorist attacks more regularly) but this honestly blew my mind because there was no evil person that directly caused this to happen. It was a fire that travelled all the way from the 2nd floor all the way up to the 23rd/24th floor and had blocked the only escape route. As I was translating the news for my mum, I suddenly realised my eyes were wet whilst listening to shocking survivors accounts - people were jumping, parents threw their children out of the window from various floors in a desperate attempt to save them and others on the top floors were switching their lights on and off for over two hours, to let people know they were still inside and needed to be rescued, only for them to realise that no one was coming to help them. they were going to die, trapped in a 24 storey building. horrific. i feel sick

I have no connection to this area but I just cant stop thinking about it? Earlier on I felt slightly embarrassed for crying so out of the blue in front of my mum bc I’ve never done that before. My heart actually hurts and I feel sick to my stomach hearing these stories and watching videos of ppl recording their last video before their death and praying to God. I saw a video where a lady was reciting her surahs after realising they couldnt get out so she just locked the door and waited....it was harrowing. I know its unlikely but I pray that those people are found alive :’(

I havent been able to get it off my mind for the whole day (apart from a couple of hours where I was at a gender reveal + iftar party) but now Im in bed watching all these videos. I’d like to believe that I’m not an emotional person but I cant stop crying even though i dont know why bc this has nothing to do with me whatsoever. thinking about the fact that whole families (many of them poor/working class) DIED, trapped in their flats in that fire; has been a disgustingly unforgettable thing. imagine all of those ppl living nearby who SAW it happen - saw ppl from their windows yelling for help but they couldnt do ANYTHING apart from just stand there at the bottom of the building and watch. It was heartbreaking for me (someone who wasnt even there) to listen to the children screaming for help in one of the videos.

The most amazing thing about this is how people all over the country have got together to help the survivors by donating tonnes of water, food, clothes and blankets as well as other things bc these people are now homeless since the entire building went up in flames and is completely destroyed.

I want to help but I’ve got work tmrw and after that im going straight to Northampton insha’Allah.

Also I’ve never done this before but please donate and the point of this post was just for me to get somethings of my chest but to anyone who reads this - if you have the means PLEASE DONATE. even if it’s like £2 - https://www.justgiving.com/crowdfunding/familiesofgrenfelltower

obv our government have a lot to answer for in regards to why this was much worse than it should have been -

#my thoughts and prayers go out to those affected by this #i genuinely cant stop crying wtffffffff #gosh i sound so self centred #feeling so emotional over this #those poor somali and arab women - heart breakingg #mp #pp #i hope we never have to see something like this for as long as we live #why am i crying #i cant stoppppp #grenfell tower fire #london #kensington

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wolf-skins · 7 years

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evens for that talk abt meme except if they're gross :((

Alrighty!

I’d answer two but I feel like I’ve done that story 10 times and it’s tiring to try to explain it.

4. Talk about the thing you regret most so far.I mean, I have so many so I can’t write a story for this, so I’ll go all emo and say my existence.

6. Talk about the worst birthday you've had.Honestly don’t know. Never did anything big for my birthdays except once, and that was a really fun night. Otherwise all I’ve done mostly is go to the movies.

8. Talk about the thing you are most proud of.When I was like...... 10 or 11, I wrote a 47 chapter book on flying unicorns. It was partially plagiarized from a friend and some of the chapters were a single page long (it was all handwritten tho okay), but it was my first real foray into writing so nice.

10.Talk about the biggest fight you've ever had.lmao okay so there was a ton bc Abuse and a lot of times I didn’t fight back but my proudest moment (and a turning point) was when I fucking took no shit and just didn’t care. Not a big fight at all compared to pretty much all of them but iconic. So my abuser and I had a stupid thing where we both got our own separate boxes of cereal (yes, I know, but he stole everything from me) and this way we’d both have our own thing that no one would steal or eat all of it on the other.

Needless to say, my abuser owned everything, in his opinion, so he was eating a bowl of my cereal, and it just fucking pissed me right the fuck off. I think I said something, and naturally he just probably told me in one way or another to fuck off, so I walked straight up to him and flipped the bowl of cereal on him. It was hilarious. He, of course, responded as always, and came up to me to punch me, but I actually dodged and he only grazed the top right of my head. I was laughing so hard. My mom sent him up to his room and I had to clean up the mess but it was gr8. Fucker. That’s what happens after enough of it, you just aren’t afraid of the fuckery anymore.

I love the revenge, so good, so sweet.

12.Talk about the worst dream you've ever had.Shit I’ve had so many, but this one’s kinda weird but has actually like Scarred me. When I was a really young kid, that ALF (I never watched it but like my dad likes it or something) se/xu/all/y ass/aul/ted me and he just looks fucked and creepy and disturbing and I CAN”T STAND THESIGHT OF THW|AT FUCKING CREEPY PUPPET FUCKIGN THING it’s disturbing ok

14.Talk about a vacation.Once, in Florida, my abuser and I were running around (we reeeeally young, like I had to be.... god idk 8 or younger) trying to catch geckos bc they’re cute and fucking fast as hell. My dad caught us one SOMEHOW and we put it in a jar (no lid) and showed all the old people around (bc we’d stay at my grandparents’ little rented house which was like an Old People Retirement neighbourhood) and then we released it and yeah that was cool. Unfortunately abuser was there and he marrs literally every nice memory I possibly could have lmao.

16.Talk about the best party you've ever been to.lmao I honestly don’t know?? I don’t go to parties really unless like.... small ones or birthday ones or some shit. The few that were house ones or something were always a hot mess.

18.Talk about something that happened in elementary school.I got pantsed falling off the top of a human pyramid. I was always the tiniest one so I always was put up as the “point” and no one kept their balance so I fucking fell and somehow my pants came off and I was mortified.

OOO but we also went to this cool place, Muskoka Woods, and I had a great time hanging out there and doing all that fun shit. I did the Flying Squirrel (but not the Big Swing bc it broke, unfortunately). It’s when everyone grabs one side of a rope and you’re hooked up to like... idk a part of it or something? Idk man but like you’re hooked up by harness to a rope to this contraption thing and a bunch of people pull a rope and you go flying upwards. And since I was tiny I went. It was fun.

20.Talk about something that happened in high school.Did anything good happen in high school? Ah yes, one thing. My friend, Danielle, and I did fuck all in the grade ten science class (and a couple other classes lmao we did so much fuckery together in high school idk how we passed anything). Our science teacher was a bitch and the class was boring bc we didn’t get to do any experiments, it was just notes and textbook questions. So we never did it. Always ran away to Tim Horton’s any time we got together to do the work lmao.

ANYWAYS, so this one time no one’s doing anything. It’s almost end of class, and our lunch was next, so people are standing around. We don’t have any friends in this class, mind you. So we’re ignored. Idk how, but one of us got a piece of chalk. Danielle used it to make a mark on my uniform pants (Catholic school, so uniforms, and our pants were navy blue that day) which meant it wouldn’t rub off. So I made one on hers. And then somehow we just end up wrestling each other for it, and then we full out started tackling one another. Our desk (in this class we had desks that sat two people next to each other) was shoved forward into the desk in front of it, our chairs were fucking back against the wall (we sat in the back bc duh).

And we’re just full out wrestling for this stupid piece of chalk. And no one even really looked our way. Our teacher didn’t glance up at us, which is wild bc she was one of Those teachers, and the other kids just ignored us like always. And we just ended up chasing each other around during lunch and it was so much fun.

Skipping 22.

24.Talk about something someone told you that meant a lot.I’m lucky to have several friends who write me when I ask what’s likable about me and such, and on a few occasions have gotten an essay. But generally any time someone tells me I mean a lot to them (and bonus points when they tell me why), it’s like........ air for me. Can’t live if I’m not worthy to.

26.Talk about things you do when you're sick.Lmao I just got over the flu a couple weeks ago so this is ironic. I usually bundle the fuck up, turn on the fireplace, and wrap myself in blankets, and just sweat it out. One time when my dad and I had reeeeeally bad flus, we spent the entire day with the fireplace on, me in my fleece pjs (which I only wear when sick bc they’re hot), and wrapped in large blankets, and I sweat so much it felt good. Which is the opposite to myself any other time. So I make sure I sweat now as often as I can.

I often watch t.v. or maybe, depending on how I’m doing, game a little. But usually I sleep, whether sporadically (like the time just passed - I slept a few hours, woke for a few, continue) or for hours, and drink lots of ginger ale. And not eat much at all, except sometimes soup. Mhm. Ginger ale feels really nice to drink when sick actually, esp on your throat. We used to get it as kids bc of the ginger in it, but there’s not much to be of any use, so I just drink it when sick now bc it’s cold and the pop’s syrupy enough to coat my throat, which you wouldn’t think but yeah. Also tea is nice.

The next few are meh and I’m tired so I’m not gonna answer any more bc girl you always send a lot. Thank you!

#about me #zetsumei-shuuto #ask

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n-ph · 8 years

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2k16

wow it’s been awhile since i’ve written one of these. i just realized that i totally didn’t write one last year. anyway i dont even know where to begin. 2016 has been an interesting year to say the least. i was rereading some of my old posts and i said omg a lot. the days just seem to go by in a blur nowadays, so i will try to recap 2016 as best as i can. i dont have a word to encompass this year though.

went to seattle in january. tried some really expensive sushi..twice..holy crap. the quality was a1 but man the bill was something else. seattle was nice though. definitely had a san francisco vibe to it, except for when you go to the waterside and look back at all the construction. i guess we kinda ran out of things to do bc on the last day we went to chinatown and the area seemed really dinky. also gained a ton of weight in seattle though u_u

in february we tried 5a5 steakhouse. and let me tell u. it is the best beef i have ever had. it is also the most money i have ever spent on a single meal. oh my god. i dont know if i'll ever be back, but i would like to, some day.

thus far, the semester was pretty okay. let's see..i had government accounting with a moody professor who would throw tantrums whenever no one participated. i also had business law with this old guy who was really lively and fun. i had strategic management with a bryan cranston look alike. the class was really interesting though and i learned a lot and it got me started on reading the economist lmao im so old. i miss having so much free time that came with school. 40 hour work weeks are not the life (even if i barely do anything at work).

went to LA during spring break. and at a good time too bc it was still the soft opening of harry potter world so the lines were v manageable. butterbeer was dope. the entire hogsmeade village just felt so real. had sooo much good food in LA omg. got to see some friends as well. had some of the best steak frites ever.

i cant believe i particpated in asu's talent show this year. much has changed in asu since i joined. it makes me wonder if i was behaving that way when i first joined. it seems a lot more clique-y and high school and drama filled but hey maybe it was that way when i was active but i just never noticed. had many fun lunches with my grand little but man there is a lot of drama in asu and im just glad i wasnt in any of it. i kinda miss the old asu days of staying out late to eat or do nothing at all but also i dont miss it bc i get enough sleep and im a lot more productive without asu lmao. finally ended things with tram for good. maybe things turned out the way they did for the better. the entire friendship was such a roller coaster. im glad its over.

the end of the semester rolled around!!! and i graduated!!!! :') attended my sisters graduation which was pretty boring bc high school students have such a narrow view of life (not to say that college students are any better). attended my own graduation. felt really fortunate to have jessa and anthony there. this one kid in my graudating class gave a speech about accomplishments...and he revealed the wrestling belt he was wearing underneath his graduation gown...and then he made the grads stand up and chant thank yous to the friends and family sitting behind us. it was so embarrassing and extra omg.

shortly after graduation i was on a plane headed back to the motherland. and let me tell u. i hated most of it. it was super hot and humid and my sister and i shared about 100 mosquito bites between the both of us. also. i know i shouldnt but..vietnam is so dirty. i know its not their fault that theyre a developing country but man there are exactly zero sanitation standards and i dont even know why we were there bc the water had recently been polluted so none of the fish were edible and my mom didnt trust the food stands to have clean food either. i guess i made some new friends and visited some cool places but at what cost??? also i think my entire fam got sick bc we slept with the ac on but either way, the meds i took made me lose my sense of smell i think and i couldnt taste or smell anything for two weeks. the ac air also dried out my nose and gave me a skin infection (which i will discuss later). during our trip to danang a small ferry got flipped on the big river and a bunch of ppl died and the government tried to cover it up bc bad publicity etc. they played it off as if only a few ppl died rather than most of the ppl on the boat. our tour guide in danang was in the know tho so he told us everything and w o w that really could've been us on that river bc it was a boat the left the dock about half an hour after our boat left. crazy.

after the long and arduous journey abroad i finally made it back home...and then headed to hawaii. hawaii was dope af. 10/10 would recommend, would go back. battled the tides when we went kayaking and sadly the tides won and i lost my hat but also almost lost my flip flops if it weren't for some kind random strangers who swam out to get my flip flops. we stayed on oahu and maui. hiked up a v steep mountain in oahu. lost my hat from kayaking. got caught in the rain when we went looking for a beach on the first day. had some of the best shaved ice ever. attended my first luau. fell asleep during the first part of a fire dancing show (bc the fire hadnt started yet). essentially pulled an all nighter to try oahu's famous bakery that opened at 3am. flew to maui but due to poor planning we arrived 4 hours earlier than check in lmao. the house we had in maui was so beautiful though omg. it was ocean side so we could hear the waves every night and it just felt so peaceful and tranquil to sit on the balcony in the mornings, just staring out at sea. in maui we went snorkeling. the last time i went snorkeling was like...10+ years ago...in cancun...and the water was freezing...and i also thought i was lost in the middle of the ocean on our way to the snorkeling location... but anyway! the snorkeling this time was so cool omg they had prescription swimming goggles so i could see EVERYTHING. they also provided lunch which was dope. it started raining on our way back to shore though lmao. the next day we drove all the way up the volcano in maui...to find that the top was foggy af and we couldnt see anything. the road up was pretty nasty bc super windy and 10000 ft elevation. it got really foggy after like 6000ft so we basically drove in all fog until the top which was still foggy but also like 20 degrees colder than the rest of maui. maui is super rural omg. we tried to find a place to eat after our trek but there were barely any food places in sight. we picked a random spot in the middle of nowhere and then decided to take the road to hana (which is on the opposite side of where we were staying, and was about 3 hrs away. and boy did we mess up. we took the alternate road there and it was scarier than going up the volcano bc 1) windy 2) small ass roads which were unpaved at certain points and 3) cliff hugging roads..i cant believe i made the drive there and back it was so terrifying omg. not sure if i would go back. at one point there was a big ass cow in the middle of the road. once we got to hana though, the hike was really nice despite the humidity. almost died crossing the river at the end to see the waterfall. all the rocks had big ants on them!!! how was i supposed to cross the river!!! we missed out on the wading pools though but we were so starving by that time. made the 3 hr drive back and everyone was dead. spent the last day on maui not doing much bc rainy and we were all so dead.

about two weeks after i got back from hawaii was training week in sac for my first big girl job. ngl but i felt super homesick that first night. idk why since i would be home by the end of the week anyway. probably just overwhelmed by how fast everything was happening. graduation and now transitioning into a full time job. scary stuff. but i did make a really good friend in sac so it didnt turn out so bad!!! training was pretty fun bc our presenter was pretty engaging. except when we went over the boring stuff and i was v close to falling asleep. did get to catch up with some of my sac friends though which was nice. went to the state fair for the first time as well. it was..exactly as expected but hotter lmao. my family went to san diego at this time bc my sister was going to comic con but i couldnt make it :(

got back from training and started my first big girl job. im not sure what i expected but it was easy but also hard? my first engagement i was only with one other senior and she was super nice and pretty and really good at lettering. i dont feel like i learned much? i only really did the tasks given to me but i feel like half the time i wasnt even sure what i was doing. i also hated the commute all the way back from walnut creek. the going there wasnt so bad bc i got a ride out to oakland but man it would take forever to get home. :'( my second engagement was just me and a partner and i feel like she expected me to know everything...but i didnt know anything...so i mostly sat around a lot??? esp bc she wasnt on site every day so i had zero supervision. :/ towards the end of the second engagement i got an email from the city saying that they were accepting me into their accounting position and i was like oh shit. i ended up taking the job, which gave me a week in between quitting the first job and starting the second, which i used to go back to LA lmao bc i had a season ticket to universal. actually ate at the three broomsticks this time. it was defs filling and i thought it was a good bang for buck. attempted to go to the walking dead tour..chickened out..twice. i probs would've died in there tbh. also went to disneyland!!!! that was lit. their macone-roni and cheese was da bomb. saw world of color for the first time except it was the 50th anniversary edition so it wasnt so great. bumped into the couple that was in jbieb's love yourself video. tried some new food places in LA and saw some old friends, again.

started my second big girl job. all my coworkers are super nice except the big boss is kind of crazy and anal. but we deal with it. my supervisor is so nice :'( work isnt so bad bc i dont do much lmao. the hardest part sometimes is just staying awake if im being honest. getting paid to do nothing is the life tho.

spent my birthday weekend in monterey. we were supposed to go atv-ing but ended up going wine tasting but also not really bc we liked the first wine so much we got a bottle of that to share. it was really cold that weekend surprisingly so we stayed in and then went to this spa place on a whim and it was definitely an interesting experience.

went as a rice bag for halloween and i think that was probably my greatest costume to date. except we ended up going to a party full of white ppl...and i was like the only asian there gdi

tagged along w my sister when she went to sd. got to see many friends!!! went clubbing as well and that was lit. took michelle clubbing for her 21st birthday, also lit. squadsgiving and christmas were super fun. got some supplies for bullet journaling so guess thatll be my new years resolution. but also to take more photos bc i didnt buy that camera for nothing.

okay so in conclusion. i did a lot of stuff this year. it feels like it was mostly all highs. or maybe i just block out the lows but im pretty sure there were way more highs than lows. 2016 was a great year tbh. oh yeah i also passed two of four parts of my cpa exam!!! woot. in 2016, i learned a lot...of accounting lmao. plus i ran my first 5k!!!!! oh yeah and i joined a gym and now im getting swole af. im not sure what my reflections are. i guess, if i were to compare 2k16 kim to 2k14 kim i've for sure come a long ways. i wasnt afraid to try new challenges and conquer them. i stepped out of my comfort zone multiple times, sometimes with the help of alcohol. i got my shit together and really focused in school (which got me a 4.0 during my last year of college). i also got my shit together and studied my ass off for the cpa (which is still ongoing i crey). i really wanna say this was probably one of my best years with everything i was able to do and everything i achieved. so here's to you, 2016, and may 2017 be even better!!!

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assholemurphy · 7 years

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i’m so fucking close to having a breakdown tbh. like, it’s so fuckign stupid, but the student store was closed bc of construction tonight, and they didn’t tell anybody, so i get halfway there in the middle of the freezing cold only to be told (by a very sweet guy and his girlfriend) that they’re closed, which sucks bc i get breakfast there for the next morning, but i can’t do that, but it’s not too big of a deal bc i’ve got some chips i could eat tomorrow, but if they had emailed ppl, or announced it in advance somehow, then i could have gotten something at the store in the grill, but they didn’t and i’m pissed at that, but that’s not even what’s stressing me out, it’s just the thing that’s tipping me over. i’ve got like 6 sketches due before monday, one of which needs three light sources, and i live in the dorms??? i have a built in lamp and a flashlight, but that’s only two and idfk how to get a third? or even how to set it up? i’m hoping i can get two shadows if i place the mug right on my desk and then use the flashlight, but idk if that’ll work, so i could be fucked for that sketch. i don’t even want to do them to begin with bc i’m like, 7 years behind everyone else when it comes to skill level for realistic shit. anything with lots of small details, i can do, but not if they’re supposed to look real, that’s never been my focus, i’ve always hated it, and i will never fucking use it bc that’s not the kid of art i make ffs. if she had given us a chance to do it in our style, it’d be fine, cause then i could make it look like a tattoo or some shit and go from there, or at least let us use color so i could show off my skills there, but nah, so i’m gonna look like a shit artist compared to everyone else bc we have to tack them up in the motherfucking hallway of the building for everyone to see, bc i stopped sketching years ago bc i was told i’d never make it as an artist, so i gave up and never picked it back up bc of my fucking parents, without whom i could have been just as good as everyone else, but nah, that’s not gonna happen. i’m a fucking painter, i do abstracts, not fucking realism and bullshit, what the literal fuck, but i need the class for my major, and i know she’s only grading on how well you shade and shit, so i can pass, but i don’t want it to look shitty where everyone can see it.and then the fucking hands we’ve got to do, which i can’t draw without a reference, and even then i can’t use my own hand bc i can’t see the lines clearly, so they’re going to be terrible as well, and a fucking gradient that i would have had done in class but i screwed up bc she gave bullshit instructions and told us to reverse our gradients and made a big show of erasing them, but no, we aren’t supposed to erase them, wtf?? honestly, i hate this class so much bc it’s bullshit. i love the prof but not as a teacher, bc she can’t give clear instructions on basic things and it’s bullshit. i feel like a shitty artist even tho i know i’m not, this just isn’t my medium, with photography or painting, i’m great, but i’m shit at sketching and i stopped drawing when i was 5 while everyone else was getting better, and i know i need practice, but ffs, give me something that’ll help me, not make me look like a kindergartner. i love found ii bc i get to take photos, but he isn’t even looking at them, he just wants us to make an, admittedly interesting, project with other ppl, which means most of my photos are going to be bastardized instead of appreciated for the abstracts that they are, or for the editing i did, bc apparently i’m the only one in our group that knows how to edit a photo, wtf, they could have at least tried, my gods, but that doesn’t matter, he’s not even going to know which ones are ours, so all my work is for nothing, i could have just taken a few pics of bullshit lines that weren’t cool looking at all, but no, i tried to make the photos good, but in the end, it was fucking pointless and i had to crop so many of them into nothingness for the sake of the shitty project. it’s all fucking bullshit. i spent hours getting the right shots and it’s for nothing but a stupid project that turned into a fucking group activity and i hate group activities, esp regarding my fucking work, that i took, that now doesn’t matter bc there’s a fuckton other photos on the stupid thing and they all have to connect, and it would be cool, if i had been allowed to do it by myself, but now, work together, fuck that. and wtf is my found i prof doing? 6 sketches? on top of the fuckton of classes we’re already taking? i’ve got physics works to do, history work, and math to do this week, i don’t have time for 6 fucking sketches that are only going to depress me bc they suck. i know i need practice, but between 15 hours of classes and being president of the lgbt club, i don’t have time for that, not when we’ve got 3 multiple piece fucking assignments due each week for her shitty class. i don’t like sketching, i rly don’t, bc i’m not good at it, never have been. and eventually we have a self portrait to do and i hate my face so fucking much but i’ve got to spend several class periods staring at it in hopes of not making a shitty piece of art. i deal with abstract art, colors, not fucking realistic sketches, wtf is that going to do for me, it’s not my medium at all. it’s only the second week and i already want to drop the class, but i can’t bc it’s a requirement for my major. i’m not even close to as good as everyone else and i know it, but i didn’t get the support they got, nobody ever told me i should keep drawing, nobody ever said i was decent at it, and bc of that, i stopped loving it and stopped doing it. everyone there is confident in being an artist, and i’m just there like ‘waddup i tried being a doctor but had a mental breakdown so i decided to make my hobby a career’ and it fucking shows. and i’ve got so much fucking work to do as our workshop comes up that i barely have time for anything else, but oh no, got to do 6 fucking sketches, full size, realistic, and PIN THEM TO THE BOARD so everyone can see how much you suck. but i’ve got to get through this semester so i can take the classes i want to take, so i’ve got to do it. i just wish i didn’t suck as badly as i do. it seems like every artist can sketch, no matter what their medium, and it’s fucking bullshit. i’m just getting back into this after 7 fucking years of not creating anything but writing shit. of course i’m going to suck, but i’d rather not have everyone see that. nobody’s going to take me seriously in that class. and now i’m having a fucking breakdown bc i’m an idiot who gave up on what they loved bc i crave validation and nobody ever gave that to me bc art wasn’t seen as a real career in my family, and now the only thing they think i’ll be able to do with my degree is teach and i fucking hate teaching, i hate people, i’m also minoring in theatre and writing but everyone i tell that too laughs and asks if i expect to be famous and i’m just like ‘yeah bitch what of it? at least i won’t be downing my eighth glass of wine while making dinner for the kids i had but now resent and my husband who i don’t love anymore who’s fucking his secretary while i spend my days filing some other family’s taxes just bc i went with the safe choice for my major, janet. how’s it gonna feel when you’re forty and can’t remember the last time you were actually happy without the use of alcohol to drown the fact that you want to get a divorce but you know you can’t financially support the lifestyle you crave without him, so you let him fuck her in his office while you take care of the kids? oh, alice’s failing her science classes, and jermey’s smoking pot in the boys’ room? wow, i don’t know what you could have done different, but it must not be your parenting at all, how could you be to blame? but yeah, i’m the loser starving artist who won’t get work and will end up some dishwashing junkie in la dreaming o things i’ll never have bc my talents aren’t seen as ‘real’ bc they aren’t considered ‘good enough for a real career’ by society and therefore must not be good enough to support me’ fuck off janet. support me or get out. i don’t even care about being famous, not really, i just want to be happy when i’m forty and be able to look at my life and decide that it fucking mattered, but how am i supposed to do that if i can’t fucking draw a hand??

#text #long post #fucking hell #i told her i wanted to be an actor and she told me i'd never do it #so as much as i care about her #now i've got to do it to prove her wrong #but that means i have to be able to pass this class #which means i've got to deal with sucking #bc i will get better #i might never be good at realism #but i can fuckign pass this class #so i can take a couple theatre and writing classes next semester #so i can graduate and move to la #and suffer like the gay little runaway that i am #but i'm gonna do it #i'm gonna bitch and complain about it every step of the way #but i will do it #but right now i've got to pull my shit together #so i can go to class tomorrow #and do the same damn thing #for four months #fuck i hate this #i hate everything about this #i just want to instantly be good at it #or just not have to do it #but that's not how it works #fuck my to do list is longer than the great wall of china tbh #but i've got to get it done #maybe not tonight tho #tonight i'm gonna go smoke

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chevd-blog · 7 years

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My Top 100 Favorite Albums of All Time (Part 7: 5 - 1)

Here they are, finally: my five absolute favorite albums ever!

5. De-Loused in the Comatorium – The Mars Volta (2003)

I received De-Loused in the Comatorium as a present for my 20th birthday, shortly after getting my copy of Frances the Mute. From the day I received it, I listened to it on nearly a daily basis for the next two years. Understand, I never do that with one specific album. It was just so uncommonly good that I couldn’t stop myself from going back for more. And even though I no longer listen to it as frequently, it is still just as good as I remember it. This is the album that I most heavily associate with my time at Ringling College, and with working on projects for my computer animation classes. And believe me, I spent a lot of time on those projects—somewhere in the vicinity of 10 to 15 hours a day, 7 days a week. So to say I quickly became intimately familiar with this album is a bit of an understatement.

De-Loused is a conceptual ode to the band's fallen friend, artist Julio Venegas, who is rendered in the album's narrative as the protagonist, Cerpin Taxt. In short: Cerpin ingests rat poison and falls into a coma, during which he goes on an epic journey of self-discovery in his own mind, with the denizens of his mental landscape being all his own artistic creations. In the end, Cerpin wakes up in his hospital bed in the real world, but his desire to return to his own mental kingdom ultimately drives him to jump from a freeway overpass. Of course, all of this is tricky to discern from the actual lyrics: the Mars Volta's lyrics are notorious for being oblique and abstract, which listeners could easily mistake for being nonsensical if they aren't paying attention and reading between the lines. (Fortunately, sometime after receiving the album, I was able to procure a .pdf of the album's concept in short story format, released by Gold Standard Laboratories; while the writing style was similar, it went a long way toward making the album's lyrics more coherent. And explaining who or what "Moatilliatta" was.)

But of course, while the enigmatic lyrics did hold their own sort of fascination with me, the thing that really hooked me was the musicality. The Mars Volta offered up an eclectic blend of punk, progressive and Latin rock, and De-Loused was the album that got the formula juuuust right—a smoothie of influences ranging from Santana to the Smiths to Syd Barrett-era Pink Floyd. The intro, "Son et Lumiere", serves as a metaphorical ambulance siren as Cerpin's story begins in situ, then segues into "Inertiatic ESP", with its frenetic waltzing pace, its vintage 70s electric piano riff, and Cedric Bixler-Zavala's repeated wails of "Now I'm lost". As the story progresses to "Drunkship of Lanterns", guitarist Omar Rodriguez-Lopez layers cavernous surf rock licks atop a chugging Latin rhythm, resulting in a track that simultaneously feels haunted and vivified. One of my personal favorites, "Eriatarka", is damn near tantamount to sonic nitrous oxide, with a lilting dreamy melody that never fails to put me into a state of bliss. The album's longest song, "Cicatriz ESP", comes next, starting with a steady rhythm that falls into a serene subterranean pool before exploding into a full-on Latin jazz jam; it was this song that first showed me the true magic behind a well-executed jam session. "This Apparatus Must Be Unearthed" is where the band's post-hardcore roots show through the clearest—a chaotic, fast-paced song that could just as easily have been one of At the Drive-In's more hard-edged offerings, save for its narrative connections to this album. (Also, quick aside: something about the way Cedric's voice sounds while singing "Anonymous, avenge my name" always gives me goosebumps.) And I could go on and on. Ultimately, despite me having some memories and associations tied to it, the main reason De-Loused ended up in my top 5 is simply because of its sheer musicality, which is really impressive. Subsequent Mars Volta albums always made me feel excited, but none of them ever topped this one.

Prime cuts: "Inertiatic ESP", "Drunkship of Lanterns", "Eriatarka", "Cicatriz ESP"

4. Fear of a Blank Planet – Porcupine Tree (2007)

I have cited several albums on this list as being here chiefly because of associations between them and my move to Canada. If that has gotten redundant or boring, well—I apologize, but it was unavoidable. People have big, important, special moments in their lives, and for me, that was one of the biggest, most important, and special-est in mine. It should probably be pretty predictable, then, that my top five contains a few of these, and that they would be the most prominent examples for me. Fear of a Blank Planet falls into this category. This was the second Porcupine Tree album I obtained, after In Absentia. At the time, it was their most recent album, having come out less than nine months earlier. During my first semester at ECUAD, when I had not yet moved my car up from Florida, I have distinct memories of listening to this album in the mornings while walking by the waterfront along False Creek to my classes on Granville Island, with the beautiful downtown Vancouver skyline on the other side of the water. "Anesthetize", being around 17 minutes long, used to go quite a way toward getting me to my destination.

Later, as I came into my own as a fine artist, Fear of a Blank Planet became (along with Riverside's Anno Domini High Definition, as mentioned earlier) a major point of inspiration for my work. One of the most polished works to come out of my time at Emily Carr, and the one that may have been most predictive of my later trajectory as an artist, was a large two-panel painting which I called "Blank Planet", as an homage. The album was a perfect summation of my thematic focus on the prevalence of technology in the 21st Century. If the title seems familiar, it's because it was itself a bit of an appropriation from Public Enemy's 1990 recording Fear of a Black Planet; as Steven Wilson has explained, the album's main drive is addressing the major current issues of technology and alienation, in the same way that Public Enemy had addressed the issue of race relations. In Porcupine Tree's case, the songs specifically describe the experience of younger Millennials, who have come of age never knowing a world without the internet, Ritalin, and constant media bombardment.

The truly astounding thing here is just how palpable the apathy is throughout the entire album, while at the same time being very emotionally affecting. It all begins with the fantastic 9-minute title track, told through the eyes of a detached bipolar adolescent whose claims include "XBox is a god to me", and "my mother is a bitch, my father gave up ever trying to talk to me". The next track, "My Ashes", is a slower, softer song that draws lyrically on the Bret Easton Ellis novel Lunar Park. But of course, it's the aforementioned "Anesthetize", which contains a stellar guest solo from none other than Rush guitarist Alex Lifeson, which truly dominates the album, and demonstrates Porcupine Tree's continued foray into heavy metal. The guest appearances continue with "Way Out of Here", as King Crimson's Robert Fripp contributes ambient soundscapes while the album's tone grows noticeably darker. Finally, the album ends with the electronic droning of "Sleep Together", which I can only describe as resembling what it might sound like if Radiohead and Nine Inch Nails collaborated on a cover of Led Zeppelin's "Kashmir". All in all, while In Absentia receives the lion's share of the recognition from Porcupine Tree's discography, it is Fear of a Blank Planet which is my pick for my absolute favorite of their albums.

Prime cuts: "Fear of a Blank Planet", "Anesthetize", "Way Out of Here", "Sleep Together"

3. Silent Alarm – Bloc Party (2005)

So what memory of mine can top moving to Canada? Well, the answer is simple: those first few trips to British Columbia, where I got to meet my friend Laurie in person after over two years of communicating exclusively online. She was one of the biggest reasons I was able to survive my time at Ringling without breaking under the pressure. Through all of the project deadlines and disappointments and the otherwise lacking social life, I always had her, encouraging me to keep going. While the two of us ultimately settled into a very happy and very close platonic relationship, at the time, I have to admit, I was quite infatuated with her. Why wouldn't I be? There was an incident once, during a moment of weakness, where I was considering suicide, and she stopped me by calling my house in Florida at 4 AM. Nobody, save for my parents, had ever cared about me in such a way. And so, in December of 2006, when I finally got the opportunity to visit her and spend time with her, of course I was excited. We chatted in my hotel room, and she showed me her neighborhood, and drove me around Vancouver in her old Pontiac Sunfire. And I remember vividly what was playing on her stereo: her copy of Silent Alarm Remixed. That was my first exposure to Bloc Party.

When I returned to Florida after that first trip, I bought the original version of the album, and it ended up in heavy rotation in my own car stereo for that final semester at Ringling. Admittedly, as I've already mentioned, my first trip to BC did not go quite as smoothly as I had hoped—partially because of the culture shock, and partially because she didn't quite feel the same about me as I did about her. But we remained close friends, and I was willing to try again. When I returned for two weeks the following summer, after my time at Ringling had come to an end, the experience was incredible. No, beyond incredible—they were two of the most important and special weeks in my entire life. That was the trip that finally convinced me to actually commit to moving there. And I suppose Silent Alarm came to symbolize the whole thing for me; it was a new experience for me, one that had been completely unknown, and which represented a new sensibility that didn't really seem to fit my old life in Florida. I was 21, and as "Banquet" put it, I was "becoming adult".

What makes Silent Alarm all the more impressive, beyond just its great significance to me as the background music of the most seismic shift in my life, is its sheer vitality. For a debut album, it really was as tight as it could possibly be. The chemistry of Kele Okereke's thickly-accented Londoner vocals, Russell Lissack's guitar, Gordon Moakes's bass, and Matt Tong's frenetic drumming resulted in an album that felt unusually charged with electricity. Songs like "Banquet", "Helicopter", and "Like Eating Glass" took a page from the punk playbook without getting mired in the usual trappings of punk. I still can recall that Laurie's favorite was the final track, "Compliments", a sparse, gently humming song that ended the album on a very laidback vibe. When I made the remark about diminishing returns with Bloc Party (waaay back when I was talking about #90 on my list, the band's album Four), this is the point from which they were always subsequently diminishing. This is the high-water mark. And in all fairness to the band—it's kind of difficult not to fall into that pattern when your starting point is already so exceptional and vibrant.

Prime cuts: "Banquet", "Helicopter", "Like Eating Glass", "The Price of Gas"

2. Lateralus – Tool (2001)

Lateralus was not my first Tool album. That distinction belongs to their first full-length album, Undertow. But Lateralus was the first one to really speak to me from an elevated plane, even before Ænima. Undertow brought the heaviness— I think of it almost as a lead weight in sonic form— but it honestly didn't sound a whole lot like the progressive mainstay that Tool eventually became, and which I came to love dearly. Early on, as I've already said, no band was quite as fundamental in my musical tastes becoming what they are as Tool was. And this is the album where they really came into their own. If Undertow was a lead weight, Lateralus was a clarifying light.

On the strength of the single "Schism" and its delightfully perplexing music video featuring contortionists in blue-grey body paint, I bought Lateralus the day it was released: May 15, 2001. I was 15 years old. For some time, I nicknamed it the "rain album", because (I kid you not) for the first several months, whenever I would listen to it, by some strange coincidence, it always seemed to bring a storm shortly afterward. I loved everything about it. From the amazing Alex Grey anatomical transparencies in the liner notes, to the strange time signatures and the mystifying lyrics— it grabbed hold of my soul in a way that no other recording has, before or since. From the opening of "The Grudge" to the very last notes of "Triad", and even the bizarre Art Bell radio-show-prank-phone-call-from-Area-51 which constitutes "Faaip De Oiad", Lateralus is an intensely spiritual experience for me. This is my Bible, my Bhagavad Gita. And it has served me well over the years, through the creation of artwork, and studying for exams, and unpleasant dental procedures. (No, seriously, I highly recommend trying this album while pumped full of nitrous oxide. There's nothing like it.)

"Schism" might be what brings you to the show here, but the two-track suite "Parabol/Parabola" is what keeps you listening, with its poignant message about living in the present and not taking the precious gift of life for granted. The album's closing trilogy of "Disposition/Reflection/Triad" offer another high point, with the second song being the main focus. "Reflection" is not only the longest track on the album, but one of its most divinely beautiful as well, with its Hindustani-influenced drumming and sarangi accented by an electronic drone. But of course, the main centerpiece of the album is the title track, "Lateralus", often cited as one of the greatest metal songs of the 21st Century so far. At nearly nine and a half minutes long, the song's true brilliance lies in its vocal delivery and time signature both being structured around the Fibonacci sequence; the lyrics about "spiraling out" are somehow all the more meaningful when woven into a tapestry whose very fabric is literally the arithmetic behind spirals. For someone like me, who absolutely cannot exist without thoughtful, cerebral music, this is the album that I hold as the gold standard for everything else.

Prime cuts: "Schism", "Parabol/Parabola", "Lateralus", "Reflection"

1. Grace for Drowning – Steven Wilson (2011)

And then there was one. Of course the list ends right back where it began back at #100, with a Steven Wilson solo album. His second solo effort is probably not the most popular choice out of his body of work, but I don't care. In my view, it's criminally underrated. It's absolutely, hands down, my favorite album of all time. No additional thought required.

So what's so damn special about Grace for Drowning, that I rank it above even Lateralus? Well, the simple quantity of music is a good place to start. Grace for Drowning is a two-disk set; the first disk contains the majority of the album's tracks, while the second disk is dominated by the monstrous 23-minute behemoth titled "Raider II", as well as a few smaller compositions like "Index" and "Track One". Around the time of the release of Grace for Drowning, Wilson had caused a bit of a stir by mentioning his boredom with continuing to pursue Porcupine Tree's previous heavy metal style, and his unabashed admission that he was listening to much more freeform jazz than hard rock. For some listeners of Porcupine Tree, this was discouraging, particularly because it seemed to telegraph that Steven Wilson really might be serious about being done with his old band. However, in listening to Grace for Drowning, I simply cannot mourn for Porcupine Tree, because Wilson's solo music is every bit as masterfully composed, with quite a bit more freedom to really experiment with new styles without the pressure of preconceived expectations. The end result was not something that pandered to fans, but instead a tremendously courageous and seductive blend of jazz jams and prog rock, with flute and sax sections provided by longtime PT collaborator Theo Travis. It was a true piece of artwork, made all the more miraculous by its emergence amidst a 2010s pop music landscape that is incredibly hostile to such heady endeavors. (*cough* Dubstep. *cough*)

But then, beneath the veneer of long jam sessions and rock guitars, at his heart, Wilson is a master craftsman of pop as well. "Deform to Form a Star" demonstrates this well, as do "No Part of Me" and "Postcard", a sentimental melody that reeks so much of self-deprecating despondency that it might as well be my personal anthem. Meanwhile, Wilson's penchant for creating eerie and subtly unsettling music shines through on "Remainder the Black Dog" and the instrumental "Sectarian", where dramatic choral arrangements and Travis's diabolical saxophone produce some of the album's most stunning moments of tension. "Index" keeps the tension intact on the second disk, with its lyrical content detailing a fastidious collector whose obsession with adding to his collection ventures dangerously close to creepy and stalker-ish.

And then, "Raider II" comes on, and all of the unspoken menace that has been slowly building and bubbling under the surface erupts into full effect. How could it not, in an epic song inspired by Dennis Rader, the notorious Kansan serial killer more commonly known as the BTK Strangler? The intro begins with a simple piano passage on the low end, with a clarinet joining in to add some treble; in between, there are long pauses for several seconds at a time, where it could be said that Wilson is playing the anxious silence itself like an instrument. The vocals begin quietly at around a minute and a half into the song, with the intro going quiet one last time before exploding with full fury just before the three-minute mark. The next four minutes cycle through the verses, a few unexpected death growls, and a beautiful flute solo from Travis. Then there's another short lyrical passage, before the unhinged guitar solo, which segues into a smooth saxophone solo. At eleven minutes in, the guitars return with a vengeance, and then recede again into the reverb, leaving a disquieting stillness in their wake. Out of the silence the song catches its second wind and emerges again with a jangly guitar melody, over which Wilson evokes disturbing metaphors for the serial killer's mentality: "A cat among the crows, I'm raider / The butcher and his prose". Finally, the song winds down with a chaotic ensemble, its ever-increasing tempo finally culminating in a single sustained blast of disorder, with two minutes of slow bass and guitar to pad the ending. And after such a harrowing rollercoaster ride, the album ends gently on the palate cleanser, "Like Dust I Have Cleared from My Eye".

In summary, Grace for Drowning is my favorite album, probably because of the wide emotional range it exemplifies. There are parts of the album that are peaceful and delicate, parts that are achingly sad and wistful, parts that are laidback and mellow, and of course, parts that are incredibly dark and sinister. There is ample expressive complexity and splendor here, for those who can appreciate it. And there is heaviness here, too, in a way that doesn't rely on the metal clichés of Wilson's past. Overall, a phenomenal album, and one that likely won't soon see a challenger for its title as my favorite of all time.

Prime cuts: "No Part of Me", "Postcard", "Remainder the Black Dog", "Raider II"… fuck it, the entire album.

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