#especially eve because i feel like her story is very tragic

[stargazeraldroth]

I will never be normal about the family of the First Humans in my Hazbin Hotel AU. I will never be normal about it. I really took this AU and said "Family angst to the MAX". Also this may or may not contain spoilers about Hazbin Hotel, so be warned about that when reading this.

Since we don't know much of anything about Eve in Hazbin Hotel's canon universe, the Eve included in this post is obviously how I imagine her character. Also, there are some major changes to the relationships between some of the characters. For starters, Vaggie and Lute are sisters, but they're also direct creations of Adam's.

Let me explain.

So in this AU, Adam and Eve became a thing shortly after Lilith ran away to be with Lucifer. And in this AU, they were only able to have Cain and Abel before Eve ate the Forbidden Fruit and ultimately died (I might elaborate on the whole Garden of Eden story in another post). But they'd talked about having daughters and Eve was especially excited to have little girls. Clearly, that never ended up happening. So how does this tie into the story? Because Adam made Vaggie and Lute with the idea of them being the daughters he and Eve were never able to have.

(To take this a step further, this AU started as a Reimagine series where I went over how I would've done it all, so there were also name changes. Vaggie and Lute were two characters who got their names changed; Vaggie's name became Evelyn [originally Evangeline but I thought that too long and didn't roll off the tongue as well] and Lute's became Edith, with Vaggie being named after Eve and Lute being named after the Garden of Eden. And if you want even MORE angst with that idea, Adam sometimes called Vaggie "Eve" as a nickname because of how much she reminded him of her. There's nothing romantic there, I just wanna clarify that in case anyone jumps to conclusions. The changed names aren't important to the post, I just wanted to mention this little background fun fact from before I decided to make it a regular AU)

I may not have diddly squat about Cain and Abel in this aside from the fact that they exist(ed), but BOY do I have a lot to say about these four. First, let me just start with the parallels between Eve and Vaggie in this AU:

Both someone Adam swore to himself that he'd protect at all costs

Both fell from grace and are in Hell

Both of them are on the opposing side (for Eve this'll rely on the post I eventually make about the GoE story, but the gist is that she was completely unwilling; Vaggie saw no other way)

Both of them fell in love with demons

Like... Vaggie reminds Adam of Eve so much that sometimes, it physically hurts. In this AU, Vaggie wasn't left to die in Hell, she got attacked and left behind. Adam thought she was dead, which was part of why he pushed to move up the date of the next Extermination and why Lute is so set on revenge, wants to kill ALL demons, etc. And Adam doesn't care about sexuality- he doesn't care if Vaggie's bi, pan, lesbian, ace, etc. In this AU, he only cares because Charlie's a demon (and the daughter of Lucifer, but that's another thing). The way Adam sees it, he's been losing everyone he loves to temptation and sin. He believes he lost Lilith to Lucifer's seduction (even if he was an angel at the time, he eventually became a demon), he lost Eve to both Lilith & Lucifer and the Apple, he lost Abel to Cain's jealousy and wrath, he lost Cain to his inner darkness, he originally thought he lost Vaggie to the demons, and then he thought he lost her to seduction (even though Charlie didn't do anything like that). And this- this is why Adam's both so close to Lute and why he smiles when he dies in this AU. He died believing that he failed everyone he cared about except Lute, even though- in the back of his mind- he told himself he still failed her. Because he wasn't going to be able to make it back to Heaven and stay with her.

Y'all. I don't know WHAT made me decide to focus so much on these four... but this is what I got. This is what happened. They're devouring my brain.

[scrapyardboyfriends]

I've started dipping into Emmerdale a bit more again this week and I don't know whether you agree, but I feel Lucy's hatred and lack of belief in the Al affair really shows in her performance in the aftermath. The powerful performances from her are really missing, especially when you consider how strong she usually is as an actor, and part of me wonders if it's because she finds it OOC for Chas. (though I think she and the producers believed Chaddy were a golden couple and you know how I feel about that!!!)

I haven't really read anything from her about the story but I can see what you mean. If she doesn't like the story, that makes sense. I said after Thursday that I wished there had been more fireworks in the reveal and that it all just felt kind of sad now but I think you might be on to something about Lucy's performance. It is a little lackluster.

It feels a bit like Natalie J Robb in the aftermath of the Nate affair reveal where Moira was just like "I don't know why I cheated" and it felt really strongly like Natalie didn't know either and that the whole story was ridiculous.

Except this story with Chas has been a long time coming for me. I mean once upon a time when the first spoiler about Chas and Paddy maybe getting back together came out, I thought, that could be fun perhaps. Aaron's parents getting together. Chas had seemingly come a long way since those days when they were last attempting to date. In 2016/early 2017, Chas was at her peak. She was a not only a pretty good character, she had become a better parent to Aaron and she had been a good friend to Paddy for years. It seemed like it could work.

Of course they immediately killed it with all that cursed nonsense and then the six month break followed by her just throwing herself at him and it seeming like Paddy was settling for her when he really wanted Rhona back. Then they were pretty much doomed. And then cue the Grace story which absolutely destroyed them for me even more. Like I know everyone outside of this fandom sees that story as this super tragic time for Chas and Paddy and I mean, sure, it was. It was an awful thing to go through but that's where Chas started majorly backsliding as a character.

She started becoming very "me me me" again but in a way that she could justify and moralize because she was experiencing this tragedy and trauma, but it's not something she afforded to anyone else. She was terrible to Charity after everything she was going through with Bails. She was terrible to Aaron after Robert went to prison. She was terrible to Paddy after Grace died because he wasn't grieving the way she wanted him to. It was all about her and what she wanted and needed and everyone else be damned.

I was glad Paddy brought up that they should have ended things after Grace because he was right. She treated him like garbage then. And then after Eve was born and they did that whole thing of Paddy leaving her in the car because he needed to take Marlon to the hospital, she was horrible to him then too when he already felt bad enough. And we had the whole lockdown episode where it seemed like there was no real way forward for them. They did the first almost affair with her and Al. And then truly she just became a selfish hypocritical monster even more than she ever had before.

She always acted annoyed by Paddy's mere presence. He was basically just an inconvenience to her. Her behavior towards Charity after the break up with Vanessa and her sleeping with Al once was horrible. She forced her out of her business and tried to kick her out of the family several times. Lisa dying was the worst thing for Chas because it kind of gave her license to step up and be the head of the Dingles because let's be honest, Cain never wanted the job. Just the way she treated Paddy, Charity, Aaron, Liv, Faith etc was awful.

And she was truly horrible with Faith at the end. Just the amount of times she pushed Faith to do something she didn't want to do just because Chas wanted it for selfish reasons was terrible. She never wanted to listen to what Faith wanted and needed because everything was always all about her.

Everything leading up to this downfall for Chas has been well earned and for me, entirely in character if we're basing it on the last five years. Like maybe 2016 Chas wouldn't have done this but she hasn't been that character in a long time.

I don't know, like people keep trying to point out that everyone else has cheated too, and that's true, but it's not so much the affair but all of Chas's behavior surrounding it and for the last few years that just make it all so much worse.

But Chas not being able to be content with safe and dependable and always needing something/someone more exciting and sabotaging a good thing to get it, consequences be damned? That's exactly Chas's character. It just took her longer to come back to that. Such is the nature of Soap, sure, but also I still feel like it's completely in character.

This is a very long rant. Haha. Sorry. I have a lot of feelings about Chas's character clearly.

But back to the original question, I can definitely see what you mean. I agree, I do think she thought the Chaddy partnership was great. Perhaps because she felt like Chas had grown as a character or because she just liked working with Dom. So I feel like maybe it's hard to let this go and that shows in her performance. I wonder if it will get better if they eventually have Chas trying to make real amends and acknowledging all of the wrong she's done lately. Perhaps she'll like that journey better.

[quoteablebooks]

Genre: Fiction, Young Adult, Contemporary,

Rating: 3.5 out of 5

Content Warning: Suicide, Suicide attempt, Suicidal thoughts, Alcoholism, Alcohol, Sexual content, Death of parent, Rape, Fatphobia

Summary: Think Mary, Kat, and Lillia have nothing left to lose? Think again. The fiery conclusion to the Burn for Burn trilogy from New York Times bestselling author of To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before (soon to be a major motion picture!), Jenny Han, and New York Times bestselling author of The List , Siobhan Vivian.

They only meant to right the wrongs. It was about getting even . Burn for burn.

But the fire they lit kept raging…Reeve ended up hurt, then Rennie ended up dead.

Everything will turn to ash if they don’t stop what they started. But now that Mary knows the truth about what happened to her, will she want to?

Secrets drew Lillia, Kat, and Mary together. The truth might tear them apart.

*Opinions*

This is one of the first series I bought once I got back into reading and had adult money to purchase it, and it is even longer since I read the first novel. There is a dopamine hit from that something that any book lovers understand. As the final book in a trilogy, this novel wraps up a lot of the storylines, but I felt as if it wrapped up too quickly. Especially when the second novel was over 500 pages. Obviously, this review is going to be full of spoilers. 

Ashes to Ashes follows the events after the tragic New Year's Eve that ends with Rennie being killed by Mary. Mary, now realizes that she is dead and a vengeful spirit that can do serious harm to others. She sets her eyes on Kat and Lillia, who she feels betrayed her by befriending and dating Reeve before deciding that Reeve needs to die. As Kat and Lillia attempt to pay attention to their senior year spring break and prom, Mary continues to torment them. When Mary realizes that Reeve needs to kill himself, she reveals herself to Lillia and makes her break up with Reeve, who she has fallen in love with. Now that Lillia and Kat are aware that Mary is a spirit they have to race to try and bind her before she hurts someone else. However, Mary wants revenge to cross over and she will have it one way or another. 

I think that this is a satisfying conclusion to the series, but I wanted more from it, especially at the very end of the novel. Kat, Lillia, and Reeve went through so much trauma and did so many things that deeply impacted their future, but it is all glossed over. On one hand, I understand that this was a story about the three girls, and with Mary gone, the story has to end. However, I would have gotten more about Reeve following the footsteps of his brother, Kat changing her plans and going to NYU, and Lillia and Alex finally being together. Now, I did appreciate that Lillia and Alex went all the way through college before starting a relationship, but after all the back and forth I would have liked to see them happy a little longer. Again, the romance was not the point of the story, but it was a big part of it. 

One thing that bothered me about this book is the way that sex has been treated throughout the three books, but it became very clear in this novel. Lillia, my poor girl, decides to have sex with the boy she loves and literally has to break up with him the same night. I do appreciate that Han and Vivian did not make her regret having sex with Reeve, but it really wasn’t necessary, especially after she was raped at the beginning of the very first book. I am glad that Lillia went on a healing journey to feel comfortable having sex, it is important for young women to see that, but she suffers so much in these novels that I feel like she could have just broken up with Reeve without the sex. Especially because the reason she used to break up with him was finding out about Mary, it had nothing to do with sex. They didn’t need to do that to my girl. 

I think that the way Mary is written descending into madness was really well done. Everything she does makes sense, especially when you put yourself into a teenager's shoes. Mary is abandoned by her family, realizes that she is dead, and then sees her two friends betraying her and breaking their pact. I never warmed up to Reeve, but the way she tortured him was so unsettling, especially as she was attempting to get him to attempt suicide. The fact that she was so far gone that it didn’t matter that Reeve did feel bad about killing her, she needed to make him hurt. I would have liked a little more time with her realization that no one was to blame for her killing herself besides herself, and it was done a little more elegantly, but I enjoyed that Mary saved her friends in the end. 

Kat’s plotline was the weakest one in this novel, mostly focused on attempting to get accepted into college. It makes sense for the spell they do at the end of the novel, but she is really just there to move the plot along. There is some character growth with Kat realizing that she doesn’t have to be so mean, though it was never addressed that she had to shut herself off because Rennie made everyone shun her. Also, I would have liked it if they addressed the fact that Kat and Alex hooked up a little more, even if they shifted into a friendship role. 

Lillia is my favorite character and I just wanted to protect her because she goes through the ringer in this series. At the beginning of the pact, she has the smallest to gain in messing with Alex and yet she is made to pretend to fall in love with Reeve, then actually falls in love with him, and then has to break up with him to keep everyone alive. She also loses her best friend, who is not a good person and I did not care that she died, because of this pact. I have already talked about the sex of it all, but I just wanted her to be left alone for a couple of chapters. 

Speaking of Rennie, I still felt as if her death was only used for a plot progression and because they had no idea what to do with her anymore. I wish it would have Mary to hurt someone she hadn’t meant to, that she had become the same as Reeve. There was so much that could have been done with Rennie and I felt like they wanted to get her out of the way to focus on Reeve and Lillia. I wish more would have been done with Lillia’s and Nadia’s relationship since it was such a motivating factor in the first novel. 

I know that it sounds like I hated this novel, but I was stressed for a good part of the reading of this novel. I was satisfied with this novel, but personally want more from the characters which is interesting since this is a character-driven novel. I think this is a well-written YA novel and has teenage characters that act like teenagers. I would recommend but for higher YA readers. 3.5 stars. 

[noahsartt]

some thoughts i have on the killing eve finale because i can’t think about anything else:

i saw this post :

and i wanted to elaborate and share some messy thoughts.

every reference they had in the finale to ‘divine reunion’ & the kintsugi ‘taking your broken bits and making them stronger by coming together’

but once eve chose to go to villanelle they actually made it work. and that’s what makes me so sad because it wasn’t either of their faults that it ended tragically, they found each other finally. and there was STILL death.

dying in a way that matters is one thing, and it’s heroic which would have been a good callback to carolyn telling eve that ‘the hero only gets the girl in hollywood’. like eve thought she was the hero, but in the end it was villanelle who saved HER. it could have been good like that but instead they chose to murder villanelle for nothing.

it’s pretty cruel of the writers to reduce her life to nothing and make her die due to some plot convenient twist. right when happiness was in her reach and right when she knew for sure that she was capable of being loved, which everyone kept saying she wouldn’t be because she was ‘evil’ and ‘a monster’ etc etc. i’m so happy that she atleast got to feel love from the person she loved the most (even if laura ruined those moments when she talked about them in her interview )

in my own version of an ending for them, they wouldn’t die. as i said, there would be meaningful ways to kill them off but i don’t like to think of them as people who were ‘doomed from the start’. especially not after they have such a beautiful reunion. those romeo & juliet, thelma & louise, and scorpion and frog references were too much for me </3

in my own version of an ending there would still be a degree of ambiguity and open ended-ness, but it would end as them being the versions they were always meant to become, separately and together. i feel like their stories could have started out so differently, and they’d still find themselves together in the end.

let’s a raise a glass to the red string metaphor:

the set up for these characters was so perfect, and the ending felt cheap and rushed compared to the complex and beautiful nature of their story. after everything they’ve been through, they deserved to come out of it. it is not creative, entertaining storytelling to kill off a character last-minute, who’s life had changed because of another. and also in eve’s case, she lost her person right when she accepted her.

also this season in of itself was comprised of so much filler… for example, what was the point of pam and yusuf? hugo could have easily been yusuf. and pam’s character was useless after she ended up rejecting carolyn’s offer when her whole arc was built on learning to follow orders and kill when she’s told to without asking questions ( like she did with helenes ex gf & konstantin). how were the twelve and kenny such a big plot point but we never found out the truths about any of that either. not to mention how villanelle killed the supposed twelves in a 15 second montage while eve was dancing?? it feels like a very bad fanfiction.

they could have easily tied pam into the bigger picture if they followed something like this :

i think it would have payed off a bit better if v & e heard gunshots so they jumped into the water and we thought they got hit but then it cuts to carolyn dead on that bridge and then to pam lowering her gun and walking away. pam once again “choosing” the assassin lifestyle by killing carolyn since at the end of the day carolyn will always be loyal to MI6. then it would cut back to v & e and they’d floating in the water, not shot, and very much alive.

a greater plot twist than what we got.

what actually ended up happening seemed like a failed attempt to visually re create dani & jamie’s ending in ‘bly manor’. unlike with killing eve, dani died with purpose, and died a real hero; her death was a key plot point and it was not some half-assed last second attempt at shock.

it could have been so much better if laura gave a shit about these characters the way phoebe did.

also, the entire subplot of villanelle being obsessed with christianity out of the blue, wanting to “get better” and finally when she accepts herself and is loved for who she is, then she dies—and according to laura, eve has had a “rebirth” and is going to go on and live the life she “deserves”…. how homophobic does she want to be?? that was not a scream of relief from eve as laura is trying to make us believe it was, sandra oh screamed in pain and horror. eve was heartbroken. she was not relieved.

i also cannot believe that laura said eve was happier around “human beings”… basically saying villanelle isn’t one, and dehumanising her so bad. when the POINT of the show is for us to empathise with the villains as phoebe said, and villanelle’s own journey was realising she was more than just an assassin and that she was capable of a life that satisfied her, a life with love. but no, laura really just dehumanised the fuck out of her and said slay eve is better off without her.

why can't people see that eve doesn't want another ‘chance' to 'get it right.' she's not the same woman from s1 (maybe she never was). i think she surrounded herself with people who were forcibly doing ‘the right thing' so she could pretend she was happy that way. but she wasn't.

and it was so obvious with the way she was chasing after villanelle. because villanelle represented this part of her that she pretended wasn’t there and she didn’t realise how powerful that part was until she found someone else who embraced it. on a surface level it’s the killing and the murder, but the subtext screams with queer undertones and that’s why the story between them resonated a lot with the majority wlw audience.

i don’t think fictional stories are ever just stories, not when they impact people in real life to this capacity. the amount of people who were re-thinking if they deserved to be happy in their own lives because of the way killing eve ended really broke me. and it’s not this dramatic overreaction either because traumatic endings with queer couples is all we’ve ever known.

it was devastating that killing eve, a show that had subverted those stereotypes in the past, built its legacy around it, had followed through with the worst one of them all in the end. bury your gays is such lazy writing i’m so tired. with eve in the earlier seasons, even her husband couldn't see that side of her that villanelle had & it frustrated her because she was scared of it. but then villanelle made it make sense and it scared her more that someone lived so freely that way. that's why she was so hesitant & she walked away so many times. being confronted is scary. that was good storytelling.( i mean of course villanelle was in a cage of her own) but eve saw everything she could be in villanelle. through everything, all her hesitation and morality, she found her way to villanelle and the two of them finally made it work, they finally had it all. her happiness WAS villanelle. it’s sad to see how the s4 writers saw villanelle the same way her mother did , a one dimensional psychopath with an incurable darkness :(

it’s so clear too. when it comes to the tarot cards, villanelle got the sun card, and to her being loved back by eve = the sun, pure and true happiness (even if it was only a few hours). eve got the death card, having to live without villanelle especially after they came together is worse than a physical 'death' for her.

it's unfathomable to be that people can't see that. and furthermore, why would the writers write eve to have been happy to “escape villanelle” when they wrote her to say that she didn’t like it when villanelle got shot with the arrow, just 3 episodes earlier…nothing is adding up between what we see on screen and the narrative laura neal has in her head. if we aren’t interpreting it the way you wanted us to, laura, (which NOBODY is) than that’s on you , not us. especially, ESPECIALLY when you never seemed to know the souls of these characters to begin with.

killing eve is a love story at its core. their mutual understanding of each other was the only thing in both of their lives that made sense. there would be no point otherwise. phoebe literelly said that every scene in the show was for the purpose of getting v and e to be close, everything was supposed to lead up to it. being seen by someone beats everything else, that's real love. the implications of the finale felt very homophobic. i'm so tired.

what i used to love about killing eve was the complex nature of the femme fatale trope, and the way it was so effortlessly queer. it was powerful the way the queerness was never this massive talking point. it just was. villanelle’s female gaze for example>>>>. i have never seen anything depicted as well as it was depicted through her eyes. and the subtle emphasis of how femininity could be vile , scary and lethal. villanelle changed so many things just by existing in that show and that’s why it means so much , that’s why the fourth season feels like such a slap in the face because it didn’t feel like the others (s3 was questionable too ).

and more so the fact that straight viewers and professionals recognise how bad this ending was. it’s a huge backstab. eve’s speech at the end was completely about how beautiful reuniting with villanelle was, and they killed her after that for what? shock factor doesn’t work anymore :/ not even the actors were satisfied , but jodie and sandra did their best and really made the episode what it was. especially after reading laura’s interviews … yikes she really lost the plot and it infuriates me. it felt as though she hated these characters and never understood them at all. i could go on about this for ages but i don’t have to, just look at any news article on the finale or the 4x08 ratings…

i guess i’m just happy that villanelle got to experience that love from eve because that was what everything was ever for. for her story alone, i think killing eve will always be remembered despite the horrible ending. we have a right to be devastated.

there’s so much more i could and have said other times about this, but physically i am drained at the moment. and it’s been said and re-said all over twitter and in recent articles so i think you’re all aware.

rip villanelle you will always be famous to us.

[dreamersdreamloud]

Coming Home To You (Part 2)

AN: Kara is not Supergirl. She’s human and a reporter :) 

Many of you have requested a part two so here you go! This is part of a book that I’m working on so enjoy this sneak peek 

“This was a mistake.” Lena paces around inside her penthouse. 

Kara stands awkwardly in the middle of Lena’s living room. She watches her lover in distress, her mind running into a million thoughts. What would Alex say when she finds out? What would Eliza think of her when she finds out? 

She betrayed her oldest sister. It looks bad but most importantly she feels terrible. Kara let her temptations get the best of her. She shouldn’t have gotten so close to Lena when (Y/N) was away. She shouldn’t have comforted her most of the time when they heard the news that (Y/N) went missing during a mission. 

They shouldn’t have assumed that the person they care and love for was dead without any hard evidence. 

“Did you know?! Did you know that she was alive this whole time?!” Lena yells at the blonde Danvers. 

Kara was taken by surprise that Lena is yelling at her. She never yells at her. She never experienced her anger toward her. 

“What? No! Of course not!” Kara quickly replies. 

“How could you not know?! You literally write about international news, war stories, political topics, Kara!” 

“I’m just a reporter, Lena! I’m not a damn government spy! When I heard about my sister going missing. . . I tried to find leads, Lena! I TRIED! Nothing came out. No trace. No witnesses. No clues of what happened to my sister and her team!” 

Lena shakes her head in silence. Her tears were starting to form again. The young CEO thinks about the decisions she has made that have come to this very moment. She shouldn’t have accepted the youngest Danvers’ help and comfort when (Y/N) wasn’t around. She was a fool for falling for Kara’s touch and caring words. 

She tragically replaced (Y/N)’s kisses with Kara’s. 

“I need to find her. . . I need to find (Y/N).” Lena frantically says. “I just need to explain to her that this was a mistake. None of this was serious.” 

Kara looks into the floor and shakes her head in disapproval. 

“Lena . . .” 

“I’m sure she’ll understand. She has always been reasonable, right? God where could she be. A local bar! I just need to look up the local bars. She can’t be far. I-” 

“LENA!” Kara interrupted. 

The raven haired stops rambling and looks at Kara with frustration. 

“WHAT KARA?! I need to find your sister! I need to fix my relationship with her!” 

“What about us?” Kara questions her actions, her reasoning. 

Lena huffs out a laugh, “Us? There’s no us, Kara! This was a mistake. I MADE A MISTAKE. I love your sister, Kara. You know that!” 

It pains Kara to hear those words coming out of Lena’s mouth. Kara fell in love with Lena. In all truth, she fell in love with her while you were dating Lena. She kept it to herself. The youngest Danvers didn’t want to ruin the relationship you have with Lena. She thought that you being “dead” was an opportunity for her to have a chance being with the young CEO. 

Lena sobs, her knees falling to the ground. The stress and frustrations are getting to her. Kara didn’t hesitate to be by her side, comforting her the best she could without making the situation worse. Lena cries against Kara’s shoulder. 

“It’s not ideal to go out and find my sister, Lena. We should probably wait until tomorrow. Let her cool off. I’ll find her first thing in the morning and make this right.” 

“Okay.” Lena mumbles. 

**** 

It’s been three whole days that you haven’t stepped out of your hotel room. You have cried endlessly. Scream multiple times. You even broke a couple of items in the room. You drank until you blackout and woke up repeating the same thing you did yesterday. 

You have decided that you need to put your hurt feelings aside. You need to reunite with your family and friends. You mentally think about how you’re going to pretend that you didn’t see Kara and Lena a few days ago. You will keep your distance. You will maintain your cover. 

Your captain has already arranged your new deployment. You will be leaving at the end of the month and have a new assignment to take over. Your plan is to just get away from here. 

You've been in the bathroom for a while. Looking at yourself in the mirror. It’s obvious that it looks like you have gotten no sleep. You can just pass it off and just say that your military position doesn't give you enough sleep

You fix the imperfections of your new set of uniform before heading out. You take a deep breath and hope that no one catches you acting differently. 

*** 

Location: Lena’s Office 

“I can’t find her, Lena.” Kara desperately says. 

Lena looks out to the window, standing straight as possible. She was keeping her distance from the youngest Danvers. She can’t trust herself being near the reporter. 

“HOPE can’t find her too. The face recognition hasn’t picked up her face anywhere. . .” 

Kara’s phone rings out loud. The reporter sighs because it’s her sister, Alex. She hasn’t talked to her since you confronted your youngest sister. Kara hopes that Alex hasn’t found out, she can’t bear to handle Alex’s lecture and disappointment. 

Kara answers the call and puts it on speaker for Lena to hear as well. 

Kara: “Hello?” 

Alex: “Kara! Where are you?!” She said cheerfully. 

Kara: “I’m following a lead for my article. Why what’s up?” 

Alex: “(Y/N) is back! She’s alive, Kara! She’s alive!” 

Kara fumbles her words, not knowing how to react or say. She didn’t want to ruin her sister’s excitement. 

Alex: “Get over here at the DEO. J’onn have already picked up Eliza. They’re on their way back here. Bring Lena!” 

The call ended without Kara saying another word. Alex was too happy and excited to see you again. She’s happy that she gets to see you “first.” 

*** 

*A few hours earlier*

You didn’t head straight to the DEO to surprise your sister, Alex. You made a quick stop despite the situation you were in. The Uber car pulls up to the two story house that you were looking for. There’s physical changes to the house last time you came here. The grass was looking more green and the roses were more full. By looking at the driveway, the two people you wanted to see are still home. 

You rang the doorbell once and you can tell that someone is on their way to answer the door. You mentally ready yourself before they open the door. 

A woman gasped as they answered the door and saw you standing firmly in the middle. 

“(Y/N)?” Eve can’t believe her eyes. 

“Eve, who’s at the door?” Lex calls out in the background. 

Eve was speechless that she couldn’t answer her husband. Lex was a tad worried that Eve wasn’t answering him right away. The man makes her way to the door and gives the same shocking reaction as his wife. 

“(Y/N)! You bastard! You’re alive!” He shouts with joy. 

You smiled at both of them. You step in to give Eve a hug and then give Lex the same affection. Immediately, Lex can tell that there’s something wrong. He just knows. The man has always been like a brother to you and he feels the same way too. 

The married couple lead you to the living room to have a more comfortable environment to catch up. They didn’t have to worry about being late to their work since they’re technically the bosses of their own department at L-Corp. Eve comes in with some tea and mini sandwiches for everyone. The three made small talk, giving them the truth about what really happened in the months you were missing. 

Lex and Eve felt sorry for you how much pain and recovery you have to go through alone after that accident happened. You assure them that it wasn’t a big deal and that you’re very happy to live another day. 

After the good catch up, Lex thought it was time to find out what was bothering you. 

“(Y/N). . Why exactly are you here? Aren’t you supposed to see your sisters first? Or perhaps Lena?” 

You looked to the side, took a deep breath and sighed loudly. Your mind goes back to Lena. 

“Did you know?” You vaguely ask your ex-girlfriend’s brother. 

“Know what?” Lex replies, Eve looks equally confused. This confirms that no one knows, especially your mother and Alex. 

“About Kara and Lena. . .” Lex thinks for a moment before he replies. 

“All I know is that they’re close. When you were away, Kara had been keeping Lena company.” 

You nodded. He’s telling the truth. Small anger was inside you but you’re mad at Lex. You start to get mad at yourself for not being around much. 

“I caught them. . . I found your sister with my sister. It was clear that the love bites and the flushed redden cheeks on Lena were from Kara. . .” 

Lex suddenly feels stupid for not seeing this. He thinks about how he didn’t see the little hints that his sister was having a lover, becoming a cheater. Eve looks at you with sad eyes, she gets up and wraps you in a hug. 

“(Y/N) I don’t know what to say . . . I just - I really didn’t know. If only I have seen it sooner I would have prevented Lena from making those-” 

“Lex no.” You interrupted him. “Your sister is her own person. She can decide what she wants to do. You couldn’t have prevented her feelings for someone else. I’m not mad at you Lex. You’re always like a brother to me. You have helped me so much and I will continue to do the same. Despite the situation. This is between Lena and I.” 

Lex sucks in his lips and nods, “Did the two of you officially break up or talk about it?” 

“No. I left right when I found out. My heart is really fragile at the moment but I promise you like I promised to Lillian years ago that I will not harm Lena in any way. I have never physically abused her and I will not let this dictate my actions.” 

“You’re a good person, (Y/N). I’m sorry that it had to come out like this. I was desperately waiting for the two of you to get married someday. Getting the chance to call you my sister-in-law.”

You sadly laugh. You almost forgot about the ring that was attached to your military dog tags. You reveal your necklace to Lex and Eve. Eve was the first to react fast. 

“(Y/N)! That ring looks so beautiful!” Eve focused on the diamond on the ring. It wasn’t too small nor too big. It was the perfect size. 

“Damnit Lena.” Lex says under his breath while his wife talks to (Y/N) about the ring. “You better realize that you threw out the best Danvers sister. This one was going to marry you.” 

[lambourngb]

Day 2: AU get me out of here - places to go when canon is complicated

It’s Day 2 for @roswellnewmexicocreate, time to celebrate those stories that I turn to when I can’t deal with canon, or when I don’t have the emotional energy to untangle all the emotions I have for what’s going on in canon. Alternative universes, the safe harbor for us. Below are a mix of rewrites of canon, remixes of canon, or out right not even set in Roswell- to fill every type distance you want from canon- from near to far.

and the howl of the desert carries me home by @christchex​/ @michaels-blackhat​ (4,334) Alex runs into the desert to escape from his father with his guitar clutched to his chest. He plans to spend one last night playing before his father destroys it. Instead, he meets a cute boy with flowers in his curly hair and a lizard on his shoulder. He exchanges a song for a smile.

why i like it: I love everything about this story. Michael is totally a disney princess, and what a lovely way to save him from foster homes, but have him run away to the desert and use his alien powers to build his own little protective world. Looping in Nora’s plant powers like that, giving Michael a little animal friend, I love it all, but the show stealer is Alex Manes, playing music to coax the mystery boy out. It’s just incredibly soft.

***

Heartbeat series by @adiwriting ​ (133,000 - in progress) During the lost decade, Alex gets Michael pregnant and Michael doesn't see or hear from him again for the next four and a half years. When Alex comes back to town, he discovers he has a daughter with Michael and they all have to figure out how to be a family.

why i like it: it has it all, installments with angst, installments with fluff, I can find whatever mood I am in by just pouring over this incredible series. I really don’t even like mpreg, but in RNM, with aliens it seems a little more probable to me and bless Britt, she goes light on the details but heavy on the kid aspect of it. I absolutely love Alex in this story, he’s richly characterized as a man who is trying hard while wandering unfamiliar territory like aliens, like being a dad, like being Michael’s boyfriend, and he doesn’t always get it right, but he’s loved regardless.

***

tonight we are young @skinsharpenedteeth (8,137) Alex and Michael ditch the Evans' New Years Eve party to find their own fun and Alex gets his New Years kiss...(the underage tag is because they're both 17 in this.)

why i like it: I’m a sucker for teen!Malex, especially stories that take place before the shed. I love this little AU where Alex is thinking about making a move, but hasn’t yet. They are both adorable nervous babies, this feels very much how a softer teen!Malex first time would go. Perfectly characterized here, you can just feel the hopeful vibes they have at 17. I like to believe nothing bad ever happens to them again.

***

you shift on a gear (it’s been a long year) by @backinmybodymp3 (28, 362) “Good morning,” Michael says. “What the hell did you do?” Alex asks, exasperated. (or: There were times, in some of the lower moments of the past however-many-days it’s been, where Michael had thought about what it might’ve been like to share this time loop with someone. He never imagined— well, he never imagined it’d be Alex.)

why i like it: I love time-loop stories! And this is just superb. The friendship dynamics of everyone involved, the Liz/Max wedding, Michael being a good brother, Michael trying so hard to keep this bullshit from dragging Alex in and then Alex being his usual reckless self when it comes to Michael, I absolutely dig this canon-divergent au. you can feel how much the author cares about everyone on the show in this story, and they really nail the Malex dynamic. This story came along just as season 3 did and it’s a true antidote to the malex drought on screen.

***

the library by @arielana (9,657)  Alex had stopped too far away to hear exactly what they were saying, but their voices did carry over to where he was standing. The guy’s drawl had a melody to it that was vaguely familiar, but much deeper than the voice it reminded Alex of. God, that and the hair really brought some memories back.  Just as Alex told himself to stop secretly staring like a creep and walk over there, he turned slightly so that Alex got a glimpse of the side of his face.  Fuck!  Fuck, fuck, fuck! Twelve years ago Alex left Roswell to join the Air Force, nursing a broken heart and promising to never return. When work brings him back to New Mexico he runs into someone he’d been sure he’d never see again.

why i like it: the first kiss in the UFO emporium was groundbreaking, but I have to admit, I love stories that explore the almost-happened, where Malex reconnect as adults without the shadow of Jesse’s attack. I love how sharp Alex is in this story, he has all these walls as an adult built from that first rejection, but then he’s so completely unprepared to reconnect with Michael again. The clownery in this story by both of them is perfect! I also totally love Forrest as a gay best friend for Alex, trying to wingman Alex, that cracked me up.

***

stellar light based life by @jocarthage (30,651) It’s not a memory if it’s something you see every day. It’s a trigger and it’s not one Alex wants to ever let go of.Alex saw Michael disappear into a blinding blue light, soft 17-year-old body pulled back into some kind of impossible vortex -- one hand, outstretched.

why i like it: another submission from 2020 RNM Big Bang, this story just wrecked me. I can’t even really put into words about how it hooked me and basically lives in my head now to the point I often mumble the first line to myself. Anyway, this AU takes a right turn at the shed attack, and goes full force scifi and tragic separation, I love it. In so many ways it reshapes Alex’s life but the core of who he is never changes, there’s so many great science geekery details about Michael’s planet and the astronaut journey that Alex takes, plus SANDERS... anyway, this is a fandom classic for me.

***

Crossed Wires by @beautifulcheat, @ladynox (15,351) Michael's been kicked off more than one Starfleet posting. So when he learned he was reassigned to the USS Roswell, he decided that he would keep his head down and behave. This decision is immediately thwarted when he meets her hot Vulcan captain.This might be the first time Michael got kicked off a posting for flirting with a captain.

why i like it: Star Trek AU? I’m pretty easy. Seeing elements of Kirk and Spock’s tragic backstory blended into genius mechanic Michael Guerin and ice prince Alex Manes was amazing. I love how it’s serving with his family that brings Michael to the Enterprise, his bond with Max and Isobel was chef’s kiss good. The blend of Michael’s powers and Alex’s biology - I loved the balance even if it came with its own misunderstandings, but hey, this time it was cultural! lol

***

I’m still here by @vague-shadows @pippsmcgee  (35,928) Treasure Planet AU in which Michael is the gifted young delinquent who found a treasure map, and Alex is a space pirate pawn in his Father's obsession with riches and legacy.

why i like it: I’ve never seen Treasure Planet, but I didn’t need to thoroughly enjoy this AU. This was the perfect mix of angst and sci-fi adventure, where the authors managed to make the shed even more horrifying. Jesse Manes is the absolute worst in this story, the levels of obsession he goes to find a treasure, and then Michael on his own collision course - the ability to write tense action is a gift, and it’s on display in this story. Cyborg!Alex took up a place in my heart and still lives there, where he only gets the nicest things.

If you like any of these recs, please leave a comment on the story or a kudo- a  ‘this was awesome’ is enough to propel an author into the stratosphere with happiness, so don’t worry about coming up with a unique, never before shared insight- sometimes a keyboard smash and emoji makes all  the difference!

[libraryofloveletters]

December 24th

“Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same” - Emily Brontë

Derek Morgan x Reader 

Warnings: fem!reader, Friends to lovers, slow burn (like really slow),mentions of death, injuries, and abusive relationships, cm level of violence, kissing. 

Category: Fluff with some angst

Word Count: 5k

Author’s Note: just felt like writing something for Derek :) It’s in order of your relationship with Derek, it’s kinda similar to lovestory that I wrote for Luke. Special thank you to @genevievedarcygrangerwriting​ and @iconicc​ for their help with this :) 

*For full dramatic effect, play Wonder by Shawn Mendes while reading* 

-----

This was a different type of love 

Much different than what he had with Penelope or Spencer or anyone else. This was more than a surface attraction, this was a connection on a much deeper level, something you couldn’t explain but you knew you needed. You had always felt like a piece of you was missing until you met him. 

April 16th, 2007

It was your first day at the BAU. 

To say you were nervous was an understatement, you were terrified. You had only met Aaron Hotchner, your unit chief during your interview. You had yet to meet the rest of the team. 

You were greeted by a tiny blonde woman by the elevator, who introduced herself as Jennifer. She walked you to the briefing room, she explained to you that you had a case and that someone would take you home to get some clothes quickly. Aaron introduced you to the team very quickly, first was David Rossi, who had very father like qualities,

Jennifer Jareau, whom you had met by the elevator and was their media liaison

Emily Prentiss, who radiated badass energy, 

Dr. Spencer Reid, who seemed very baby like but was incredibly smart, 

Penelope Garcia, their technical analyst and who didn't hesitate to welcome you onto the team,

Finally, Derek Morgan, the embodiment of the perfect man. 

Aaron told Derek to take you home to get your stuff and to meet them at the jet. On the drive to your place, Derek made small talk, asking you about your previous jobs, why you decided to join the bureau.

“It was a spur of the moment thing actually, I came across the application and figured why not? Because what’s the worst that happens y’know?” you chuckled, Derek flashing you a smile before pulling into your driveway. 

“You live here by yourself ? Aren’t you only 26?” he looked at you and then back at your house. That was a typical reaction, it was a huge house with a huge property attached to it, it was on the outskirts of the city. “It’s a family house, it was passed down to me after my parents’ passed” you told him and changed the topic before he could ask questions about your parents. “Would you like to come in while I get my stuff? I might be a few minutes. The least I could do is offer you something to drink while you wait?” He nodded, getting out while you did. 

You stepped and headed towards the stairs, “help yourself to anything in the kitchen, it’s straight down the hall” you smiled at him.

“Okay” he smiled, watching you make your way up the stairs. 

December 24th, 2010 

The white lights burned your eyes as you opened them, squinting to slowly readjust your eyes to the brightness. You looked around, trying to remember what happened. 

The last thing you remember was Spencer and Derek over you. Spencer’s hand on your stomach and Derek holding your hand while shouting for a medic. Something about holding on were the last words you heard before waking up in the hospital. 

Derek was curled up on the chair in your room. He looked out of place on the chair, it was too tiny for him. “Der..” you said, barely above a whisper. Your throat was dry and you were too tired to talk but you needed to know what happened. There was an empty water bottle beside your bed, you stretched your arm out and pushed the bottle off of the table. It hit the floor, the noise startled Derek and he sat up in his chair. 

He took a look around to see you looking at him, “Hey mama, how are you feeling ?” he pulled the chair closer to your bed, sitting himself back down. His hand rested on yours, his thumb rubbing over the top of your hand. 

“What happened?” you asked, leaning back onto the pillow. He let out a sigh before speaking. “Spencer, you and I went to the house, the unsub’s house. Pretty boy and I went through the front and you headed to the back to check the yard. We were upstairs when we heard the gunshot, we ran out to see you on the floor. There was a bullet in your side and the unsub was headed towards the front of the house” Derek looked up at you, unsure if he should continue.

“Did you get him?” you asked, he nodded. “Hotch and the team had just arrived when we heard the shot. Hotch caught him in the front” you let out a sigh. “I ran to the back, Spencer was trying to stop the bleeding but it wasn’t stopping” his voice wavered for a moment, you gave his hand a squeeze. 

“It was touch and go when the medics arrived, Spencer did the best he could. We thought we were going to lose you, I thought I was going to lose you.” Derek wasn’t one to wear his heart on his sleeve, not in the field but here, in this hospital room with you, he did. 

“You didn't think that you would be able to get rid of me so quickly, did you?” you gave him a small smile. You picked up your phone from the side table, it was Christmas Eve. “Derek, go home. You shouldn't spend your Christmas Eve stuck in a hospital” you looked over at him, he had made himself comfortable in his chair again. 

“There's nowhere I'd rather be right now” 

June 6th, 2011 

Your case in Chicago had wrapped up. The flight was meant to be a day before but due to a sudden thunderstorm that came through, you were stuck there. 

Derek’s mother was kind enough to have all of you over for dinner, even though you all insisted that she didn’t have too. After dinner, Aaron and Rossi headed back to the hotel first, thanking her for her hospitality before heading out. Emily and JJ made themselves comfortable with Derek’s sisters and a bottle of wine, sharing stories of past lovers and tragic high school romances. Derek’s mom had you and Spencer flipping through photo albums, telling you stories of all kinds of trouble Derek caused as a kid. 

Emily, JJ, Spencer, Derek and yourself ended up spending the night there. Hotch and Rossi had picked up your bags from your rooms, because you all had packed prior to finding out about the delayed flight and suggested you just meet at the jet. It was around 6am when you found yourself hugging Derek’s mother goodbye. Derek waited back a few moments, his mom whispering something to him before letting him go. 

The drive to the jet was silent. JJ and Emily were hungover from too much wine, Spencer was half asleep and you were still trying to wake up while Derek drove. “It was nice to meet your mom, she’s sweet” you whispered, Emily still groaned that you were too loud. “She likes you” Derek glanced over at you before turning his attention back to the road. 

When you arrived to the jet, everyone made themselves comfortable for the journey home. Emily sprawled onto one of the two seaters while JJ made herself comfortable on the other, Hotch and Rossi were sitting across from each other with their coffee. Spencer stretched himself over the span of the couch, going back to sleep. You and Derek sat beside each other on the two seater that was left. 

The flight back was quiet, the only sounds were Spencer turning over constantly on the couch, Emily snoring and Hotch’s pen scribbling away on his paper. Derek’s arm rested over your shoulder and your head was on his shoulder. 

“What’s the date?” Hotch asked Rossi 

“June 6th” he said

June 6th seemed so familiar to you, as if you were supposed to remember it. You sat there pondering about it for a few minutes before Derek’s voice broke through your thoughts.

“What’s on your mind?”

“I can't seem to place why June 6th is important” you mumbled before looking out the window 

Derek hummed, not giving you an answer. You went over the events of your day to see if you could remember. Woke up to a call from Hotch, woke up everyone, said goodbye to Derek’s family, Derek’s lingering hug and whisper from his mom, the drive to the jet, Hotch asking the date. 

Derek’s lingering hug and whisper from his mom. 

June 6th.

It was his birthday. 

You sat up and turned to him, he looked at you. “What’s wrong?” his brows furrowed, confused as to why you moved. You pulled him into a hug, “Happy birthday D” He chuckled, “thank you pretty lady” 

You leaned into kiss his cheek but he had the same idea, resulting in your lips on his. He smiled against your lips, pulling you closer to him. Your hands found their way to his chest, resting there as you kissed him. 

He pulled away, both of you breathless. 

October 26th 2012 

You walked to work in the rain. 

You had woken up late, you didn't feel like going but you promised Spencer you would help him prank Derek for halloween. You had just ended your relationship, you couldn’t take it anymore. You were constantly fighting and he always said you picked your work over him, which you did but that was only because work was the only escape you had.

No one at work knew about your boyfriend, other than Hotch. He had walked into the stairwell to find you crying, you explained to him what had happened. You made him promise not to tell anyone, especially Derek. You knew how Derek was, he would have killed your boyfriend if he found out. Hotch didn’t know the full extent of your relationships, just the arguments and the sleepless nights. You often found yourself in his office, keeping him company while he worked just so you wouldn't have to go home. 

You were soaking wet by the time you reached the BAU, you walked straight to Derek’s office. His back was to the door when you walked in, “just a sec” he mumbled when you pushed the door shut. He spun his chair, “hey ma- what happened?” there was a very noticeable frown on your face. He stood up and walked over, he went to give you a hug. Your first reaction was to take a step back and secondly, your body automatically flinched. 

“hey, hey, baby... it’s just me. it’s okay. I won’t hurt you.” He stayed where he was, his face was unreadable. “y/n..” he called for you, you walked over. You practically fell into his arms, clinging onto him. His arms wrapped around you slowly, not wanting to startle you anymore than he already had. 

“You know I would never touch you like that or hurt you, you know that right?” he kissed the top of your head, your face still buried in his chest. Something about Derek always brought comfort to you. Sometimes it’s his smile, sometimes it’s a hug and other times, it’s just him as a whole. “Do you want to talk about it ?” he asked you quietly, you shook your head. “Let me take you home to change” you shook your head again, 

“I don’t want to go home”

“You can’t stay in wet clothes all day. Let me just take you home to get stuff and then we can go back to my place ?” 

He led you to the car, you both sat in silence the whole drive. He knew you’d tell him what happened when you were ready, it didn’t make sense to push you. He pulled into the driveway, “can you come in with me?” you mumbled, he nodded. You weren't sure if your ex boyfriend was there to get his stuff, he knew you'd be at work right now so there was a chance that he had stopped by. 

You pushed the door open, there was a broken vase on the floor, the water and flowers from the vase spread across the floor. A picture frame of you and your ex thrown on the floor, a dent on the wall from where he had thrown it. 

Derek didn’t say anything, he followed you up the stairs to your bedroom. Your clothes were thrown all over your room, the drawers from your dresser were pulled out and a few were on the floor, a perfume bottle was shattered on the bathroom floor, the contents of the bottle spilling everywhere. 

You sat on the bed, the tears started to fall. You tried to hold yourself together, you wasted so much of your life on him and you thought you were finally done. Derek sat beside you, letting you cry on his shoulder. 

“Baby, talk to me.. please”

You told him everything, from the moment you realized you were in love to when you realized that this wasn't love, from when you told Hotch and how you would spend nights with him in his office so you wouldn’t have to go home. You told him how you ended things last night, and that the house was fine before you left for work. 

Derek looked sad, not only for you but for himself too, why didn’t he realize what was happening sooner? If he did, he would have helped you.

“Okay, this is what we’re going to do mama. You’re going to pack a bag and you’re staying with me for a few days. I’m going to change all the locks and latches in this house and put in an alarm system. Don’t even bother about the mess, I'll clean it up, you just need to get out of here” he gave you a hug. 

“I promise you that he’ll never hurt you again” 

December 24th, 2012 

The entire team had come over for Christmas Eve dinner at your place. After everything that happened with your ex, Derek made good on his promises. He changed everything and put in an alarm system for you. He helped you move on, he stuck by yourself when you felt alone and lost. You found yourself spending more and more time with him. 

Rossi had come over and helped you cook. Penelope and Spencer spent the afternoon locked up in your guest bedroom wrapping gifts, one of them stepping out for a few hours to find more tape or wrapping paper. JJ and Will arrived with the boys, Hotch and Jack showing up a few minutes later. Emily arrived next with a bottle of wine for you, and Derek arrived last with a bunch of bags and gifts. Spencer helped him put all of them under the tree. 

After dinner, Hotch and Rossi stayed at your dining room table with a bottle of scotch while you, JJ, Penelope and Emily were in the kitchen with a bottle of wine. You could hear Derek chasing Jack and Michael around the living room, Will and Spencer laughing as Henry showed them a magic trick. You glance over at them, Derek is spinning Jack around and Micheal is on the floor, laughing. You can’t help but smile. 

“Close your mouth sweet cheeks, you’re going to drool all over yourself” Penelope whispers to you, nudging your shoulder with hers. You blush but blamed it on too much wine, “I have no clue what you’re talking about” 

“Whatever you say sugar, but I can see the looks you give chocolate thunder and the ones he’s been giving you” she takes a sip of her wine before turning to walk to the living room. “Wait! what looks?” you ask and she shakes her head.

Penelope calls everyone into the living room, everyone has found a spot and made themselves comfortable. Jack, Henry, Michael and Spencer have all made themselves comfortable on the floor in front of the tree. Penelope helped you pass the gifts out to everyone.

Two hours and 8 rolls of gift paper later, everyone had collected their presents and said goodnight before leaving, Derek stayed back to help you tidy up. “You didn’t have to stay back, I know you probably have better things to do on Christmas Eve” you chuckled, pushing the gift paper into the trash. “Y/n, like I told you the last time, there’s nowhere I rather be on Christmas Eve” 

You smiled at him, remembering that he was talking about the night he spent in the hospital with you. “Thank you though” he nodded.

“Do you want something to drink ? Coffee? Tea?” 

“Tea sounds good” He sat on the kitchen stool by your counter. 

You turned yourself away from him to put some water in the kettle. Derek was shifting around with something behind you, something heavy landed on the counter. Turning around, there was a book on the counter. 

Pride and Prejudice 

It wasn’t just any copy, it was the exact one that your grandfather had gotten you for your 17th birthday. It went missing after your breakup, you figured your ex took it but you weren't up for fighting with him over a book. 

“Derek.. where’d you get this?” you looked down at the book, your fingers running over the front of it.

“Baby girl tracked down someone that knew someone else and I got it for you. I remember you were looking for it after the breakup” 

You never expected Derek to remember something like that, it was just a passing thought as you cleaned up your place, you had forgotten about it yourself. 

“Do you like it?” Derek’s voice broke through your thoughts. You rounded the counter and pulled him into a hug. “I love it, thank you” 

“Merry Christmas y/n” 

“Merry Christmas Derek” 

January 13th, 2013

“Did she like her gift?” was the first thing Penelope asked Derek when he walked into her office. Hotch had given you guys 3 weeks off for the holidays and all of you were now returning to work. Penelope had a lot of time to ponder about her best friend and his crush. 

“Yes she did, thank you for your help baby girl” he leaned down and kissed her cheek, she smiled at him. “Okay spill now” she spun her chair around to face Derek who was leaning against one of the tables. 

“What is there to spill mama?” he chuckled 

“Don’t play stupid with me Derek Morgan. You and y/n, you’ve been spending so much time with her” she told him 

“Awh, are you jealous baby girl? you know you’re my one and only” he laughed 

She shook her head, laughing. “As much as I like hearing that, seriously. What’s going on? I know you care about all of us but you wouldn't have gone out of your way for just a book if it was Emily or Rossi” 

Maybe she was right, there were some underlying feelings that he hadn't told anyone about. “Baby, I think you like her” Penelope looked at him, he shook his head, 

“No, I don’t” 

“Yes, you do” 

“No, I don’t” 

“You do!”

“I don’t!” 

“Derek!” 

“Penelope!” 

“You like her!” 

“I like her! Oh shit.. I like her” his mouth hung open, his brows furrowed. She giggled, “told you so, momma’s always right baby boy” she tapped his leg with her foot. 

He sat beside her on the chair. “What do I-” she cut him off. 

“I’ll tell you what you’re going to do. You’re going to tell that wonderful lady that you like her and should you be so lucky that she likes you back, you take her out on a date, like none other before. You love her and treat her well or I will hurt you” She smiled sweetly at him. 

“You understand me?” she asked him, he nodded before resting his head on her shoulder. Her hand came up to rest on his cheek, she kissed his forehead. 

February 13th, 2013

“Y/n!” Derek shouted for you as you stepped off the elevator. “Hey!” you smiled at him. “What’s the plan for Valentine’s Day, pretty lady ?” you chuckled and shook your head. 

“No plans Der, what about you ? A hot date?” you wiggled your eyebrows, making him laugh. 

“I haven't quite figured out yet, I'll let you know” You smiled before walking up to Hotch’s office to drop off some papers while Derek headed to his desk. 

It was a relatively quiet day at the office, mostly paperwork. It was around lunchtime that Derek worked up the courage to ask you on a date. “Coffee for the pretty lady” he set the mug on your desk, you smiled at him. “Thank you D” he nodded, leaning on your desk. 

“Still no plans?” you asked him while taking a sip, he laughed. 

“I came over here hoping that I could change my lack of plans” he looked at you, a smile on his face. 

“Meaning?” you looked up at him 

“Meaning, would you like to go on a date with me tomorrow?” 

You coughed, nearly choking on your coffee. “You okay ?” he asked you, you nodded. “Yeah sorry, I'm fine but yes, I will go on a date with you. Now if you’ll excuse me, I've gotta go to the bathroom” He smiled and you smiled at him before walking out of the bullpen. You headed straight to Penelope’s office. 

“Penny!” you squealed. 

“y/n!” she squealed back, “what’s going on sugar?” 

“Derek asked me on a date” you gave her a small smile 

“What?!” She stood up, pulling you into a hug “Details! What are you gonna wear? Where are you guys going? Are you gonna do the nasty ? Wait, don’t answer that. Surprise me on that one.” 

You laughed, “the red dress you got me for Christmas, no idea maybe dinner ? and I doubt we’ll be doing it” 

February 14th, 2013

There was a knock on the front door as you walked down the stairs. “It’s open!” you shouted, Derek came into view shutting the door behind him. “You look.. wow” he had a bunch of red roses in his hand. You smiled, “thank you, you look wow too” he chuckled and handed the flowers to you, 

“These are for you” 

“Thank you, they're beautiful. Let me put them in a vase and we can go?” 

He nodded and sat on your steps while you headed to the kitchen. You came back a few minutes later and the two of you headed out. Derek took you to a little restaurant in the city, it wasn’t in central D.C but still in the city. It was quiet and the two of you sat outside. Dinner was quiet, you had normal small talk, sharing your plans for the summer and Derek told you about his trip to see his mom. 

“Y/n, can I tell you something?” Derek’s hand rested on yours, you nodded for him to continue. 

“I like-” “Sir, here's your cheque” the waiter smiled at you two, leaving it on the table. You held back a giggle, “you were saying?” you looked at him. 

“I like you, like really like you. I’ve felt this way for a while and I figured after everything you’ve been through you deserve someone that would take care of you, treat you the way you deserve to be treated. I hope I could be that person” he looked back at you. 

“I like you too, Derek and I would love for you to be that person” 

March 18th, 2015

Rossi insisted that everyone come over after the last case to unwind. Your life had been going well lately, you and Derek had been together for a little over 2 years. You had told him to go over to Rossi’s without you and you would get a ride with Hotch. 

Hotch picked you up a little after 8. “Sorry, I had to help Jack with something before dropping him at Jessica’s.” “Oh that’s alright, thanks for picking me up.” He nodded and drove to Rossi’s. Hotch wasn't one for small talk but today he was. 

“How are things with you and Morgan ?” 

“Good actually” 

“He makes you happy ?” 

“He does” 

“Good, you deserve happiness y/n” 

“Thank you Aaron, so do you. Maybe it's time for you to start trying to find someone” you suggested. “It’s been a while since Haley and I know she was your first love but she would want you to be happy.” you looked over at him, he had a small smile on his face. 

“Actually, I started seeing someone” 

“What? Really? Tell me more” 

He laughed and pulled in Rossi’s driveway. “Maybe another time, let’s go in” He got out of the car and waited for you before heading to the door. Rossi let you both in, but the house was empty. “Where’s everyone ?” you asked, Rossi looked over at Hotch and smiled, the two of them led you to the backyard. “You guys aren't going to kill me right?” Aaron gave you a look to stop your nonsense making you laugh. Everyone stood in the backyard with Derek in the middle of them. 

“What’s going on?” you looked around 

Derek stepped forward, “y/n..” he got on one knee, your jaw dropped, literally. 

“You know I love you, I'd go to the end of the earth and back for you. You have shown me what happiness and love looks like and you bring out the best in me. Make me the happiest man and marry me?” 

“yes, of course” you laughed, he got up and pulled you into a hug before slipping the ring on your finger. 

December 24th, 2016 

“How do I look? Is my veil crooked ?” you looked over at him, Hotch shook his head. “You look perfect y/n” he smiled at you which made you smile. The bridal march began. 

“Too late to run away ?” you looked over as you hooked your arm with his. 

“Too late to run away. Are you ready?” he asked and you nodded. 

The doors opened, Derek stood at the end of the aisle. Rossi stood beside him as your officiant and Spencer on the other side of him as his best man. Penelope was across from them as your maid of honour. Aaron walked you down the aisle, handing you off to Derek. Aaron kissed your cheek, “be good to her Derek, she’s precious” 

You looked out into the crowd to see JJ, Will and their boys with Emily beside them, Hotch sat beside Jack and Beth was on the other side of Jack. Derek’s mom and his sisters were in the front. Rossi started to speak when everyone settled down. 

“As someone who’s been married multiple times, I'm an expert” 

“4 times!” Emily pointed out

“It was only 3 but anyways, we’re here today to honour these two beautiful people and watch them commit themselves to each other. I’ll keep my part short, do you have vows?” Rossi looked over at you and you nodded. 

“You guys know what saying, whatever souls are made of, his and mine are the same? Whenever I hear that, I think of us. From the day I met you, I realized you were special. You made me laugh and smile like no one had ever done before. You were there for me when I gave up, when I needed someone to be there for me. You helped me get back on my feet, you taught me what real love looks like, what happiness feels like and what it feels like to truly be loved” you looked at Derek and smiled, he was wiping away the tears. “Everyday, I'm thankful for you because you make me who I am, I'm complete when I'm with you.” You squeezed his hand and gave him a smile. 

“I don't know how you’re going to top that” Rossi patted his back, making Derek chuckle. 

“As you said, from the day I met you, I knew you were special, but our love story didn’t begin until that day in the hospital, exactly 6 years ago today. You were injured and I sat in your room on Christmas Eve, you were trying to get me to go home and I told you that there’s nowhere I would rather be because you’re the one I choose, always. Through space and time and back, I'll find my way back to you and choose you. There’s no one else for me y/n, so I promise to you here today in front of our family that I will love you with no bounds because you give me hope, give me joy, and make me a better man.” 

After that, there was not a dry eye in that room, even Hotch teared up. “I think you beat me” you whispered to him. 

“Well, I've watched these two grow and fall in love with each other over the last 6 years and I've been very lucky to see that. I remember the day Derek told Spencer that he was taking y/n on a date and when Derek came to me to ask me to use the house for the proposal. These two were meant to be and by the power vested in me, I pronounce you man and wife. you may- oh you’re already kissing” Rossi laughed. 

Derek held your hand as the two of you made your way back down the aisle, now as Mr and Mrs. Morgan. 

Actually as, Agent and Agent Morgan. 

[loving-villanelle]

If villanelle chooses to die/ sacrifice herself for eve in the end that would literally be the most unsatisfactory ending imaginable

I don't like the idea of either of them dying. I want them both alive. But I also know this is Killing Eve and they don't do fan service, they stay "true to the characters" (whatever that even means anymore). I've said since before the season even began that I either want them both dead or both alive. It just doesn't feel right to me for there to be a world where one is living without the other in it. But having recognized the very real possibility that one of them may survive and one of them may not, I've actually spent a lot of time thinking about this. If it comes down to it and one of them has to die, I think it should be Eve and let me explain why.

This show has always been about female empowerment, right? Turning everything on it's head and showing that women can be just as complex as men and get shit done as well as or better than they can. It's a theme that's loudly been repeated by everyone associated with the show this season, especially in reference to the finale. We keep hearing they wanted it to be "glorious" and "empowering" etc.

If Villanelle were to die at the hands of an organization that broke her down and rebuilt her into the ruthless killing machine she is today, where is the empowerment in that? Where is the empowerment in Villanelle's demise coming at the hands of the people she has already been victim to her whole life? There is none. It would be a sad and tragic end to a sad and tragic story, one in which Villanelle was rarely an autonomous player. Villanelle never had a choice in any of this. She was chosen, groomed, and trained just like Pam is being targeted now. She has always been, for the most part, a victim of her circumstances.

However in Eve's case, she has ACTIVELY chosen to be a part of all of this. There has never been anything tying her to the Twelve other than her own desire to track them down and ultimately take them down. Not only that, but it has been made explicitly clear on more than one occasion that Eve is at peace with the downfall of the Twelve coming at the expense of her own life. So in Eve's case, should she die at the hands of the Twelve, that death would be an empowering one. That would be the story of a woman who chose her own destiny and risked it all for something that she truly believed in. She wasn't the victim of any game or circumstance, she chose to be there and chose to risk this because it's what she wanted or needed to do.

To reiterate, I don't want either of them to die. I am simply dealing with the reality of this possibility and if the show runners are to stick by their word (which we know better than to trust these people at this point, but I digress) the only death that would truly be empowering would be the death of the person who chose to be involved in this world, not the one whom this world was thrust upon.

But again, my ideal ending is either them riding off into the sunset or pulling a Thelma & Louise. Whatever it is, I'll be happiest if they do it together.

[evarcana]

Taking it out on you

Ev attends the court meeting only to learn that sometimes the second impressions are just as bad as the first ones.

characters: Ev Panopolis, consul Valerius and brief appearance of Volta

words: ~3k

warnings: alcohol (as expected)

notes: On some point I gave up on the idea of Ev being the apprentice, as she just does not have this "MC energy". So this is an introduction to her story, because there is no better way to celebrate the 1 year anniversary of this blog than to remember that a very long time ago I used to write fanfiction.

It has been almost a month already. Almost a month since she came to Vesuvia, almost a month since she was told that her services were not required here. The thought makes Ev frown, but she keeps a quick pace, the sound of her impatient steps on the marble floor echoing through the palace corridor.

It is just before eleven o’clock, and the last of crisp morning sun pours over the rich mauve of lustrous silk drapes and the gold leaf of intricately carved murals, drawing out the warm scent of orange blossom and beeswax from the polished panels of precious wood. Vesuvian palace is exactly what she was promised - a great wonder, and yet Ev doubts it could give any lesser impression while the backdrop to its striking opulence is the city torn apart by disease and grief.

There are no servants or visitors in sight, and Ev’s only company in this seemingly endless corridor are paintings on the walls, depicting what she can only guess are some of the proud moments of Vesuvian history - people and places so foreign to her.

She does simple math in her head: two months and two days ago she was marching down the corridor of a very different palace, eager to be on time for the meeting with Crown Princess Nafizah despite the quite literal last minute notice, and not knowing yet that she was about to hear details of this so-called diplomatic mission.

Back then it sounded straightforward enough. Prakra couldn’t ignore the news of Count Lucio's tragic death, not least because that meant Princess Nadia, the youngest daughter of the Prakran royal family, was left widowed and with the daunting task of handling the red plague epidemic in Vesuvia all on her own. Any ruler could do with an extra pair of hands and any country could benefit from the alliance with Prakra, especially in times of crisis like this. And it would have stayed straightforward if only the discovery of Countess Nadia’s mysterious illness and the unexpected, unreasonable, outrageous hostility of Vesuvian court did not bring this crisis to the whole new, now personal, level.

In theory, Ev did not have to deal with any of that. She could use the excuse that it was only appropriate to deliver such unsettling news about Nadia in person, go back and forget everything that happened in this palace like one of those unpleasantly bizarre dreams you get after a night of drinking. But Vesuvia was still the city Prakra cared about, Nadia’s city, and as far as Ev knew none of the people who came to be in charge of it were appointed by her. Prakran diplomatic presence was perhaps the only way to look after Nadia’s interests until she woke up. Even if Ev had no actual power over the court, returning to Prakra without accomplishing at least something felt like a failure, and failure has never been an option for Ev. With that in mind, she pressed the seal with enough force to imprint Prakran royal crest on the desk and not just on the drop of red wax marking the envelope, and stayed.

Now, after a month of living in the city, she has learned to see that there is more to her new role than just misfortunes. Her relocation allowance is generous, her new place is nicer than what she had in Prakra and she is getting rather used to the convenience of the wine shop next door. Even if parts of it are foreign and unwelcoming, Ev feels at ease in Vesuvia. The tension in her body relaxes, and she thinks maybe this palace can eventually get used to her too, but the thought faints away as soon as she sees the salon door. Ev presses a pile of papers closer to her chest and tells herself that she can think about everything else another time - the court meeting is about to start.

She pushes the door open but immediately freezes on the spot stricken by the gagging wave of nausea - nails dirty with soil and blood, sickly sweet buttercream pastries and rustle of feathers covered in mud. It is no more than a faint impression but even through the fogged mind Ev recognises the feeling - it is vestige, the afterimage of magic. She has felt it before, many times and in many different forms but never has it made her feel physically sick. What is even more unusual is that such a revolting sensation is coming from the palace quarters. One would expect tingles of bubbles from the charmed fountains of never ending sparkling wine or at least the impression of whispers, premium tea, treacle and bitter ambition from the walls which have been magically given ears, and not... whatever this is. Ev draws a deep breath, pushing down into her diaphragm and looks around the room. The salon is not set up for the court meeting, instead there is a tray of food and stacks of empty plates towering on almost every flat surface. Her eyes stop on greasy remains looking terribly out of place on the delicate porcelain plate and she unconsciously covers her mouth. Maybe she is mistaken after all - it is the strange smell of food and not some kind of creepy magic, and, more importantly, maybe this is not the salon she was looking for.

Before Ev gets a chance to mentally blame the chamberlain for giving her the wrong directions, a tiny figure appears from behind the chair. The white cornette is instantly recognisable and Ev is about to ask procurator Volta whether she is here for the court meeting too when she sees that behind the commotion of dark robes Volta is frantically trying to push the whole roast rack of lamb down her mouth. Dear gods. Somewhat unsurprisingly, one of the bones appears to be stuck. Clearly having not expected to have an audience, the procurator widens her eyes at Ev in a mixture of terror and shame. Unable to speak, after a few incoherent squeaks, she throws her tiny hands in the air helplessly, spattering herself with gravy and gestures to the open French doors leading to the balcony. Without giving it too much thought, Ev gives Volta a quick nod and takes an opportunity to escape the awkwardness of the scene.

Wrapped in the soft shade of the balcony, consul Valerius is casually leaning back in the chair, with the usual glass of wine in his hand. Even before she reaches the doors, Ev sets her eyes on his face. The consul is looking away, his face carved and unmovable, the tight knot of dark eyebrows making him look ireful and disgruntled, like one of those statues of stern gods she saw growing up in Zadith. Her next step lands much quieter and then, there steps in, Ev stops and stands very still wondering what thoughts could possibly bring this storm to Valerius’s face. Sun would suit him much more, she thinks, her eyes curiously trailing down the golden glints of his hair.

A loud snort catches Ev off guard and she realises that Valerius is now facing her, looking considerably more displeased than before, no doubt because of her. That’s more like it. How could she forget that this man is the very cause of her problems.

“Could I please have some of your time, consul?” she asks, heading straight towards him. Greetings seem excessive, they didn’t necessarily part on friendly terms last time.

“I didn't expect to see you here again.”

Ev allows herself a smirk. “I know.” I am not here to do what you expect from me. She stops inches away from his chair looking down at him, apparently enjoying the close proximity which, considering their formal relationship and the consul’s well known bad temper, could be regarded as both highly inappropriate and potentially reckless. But Valerius only turns away, more interested in his drink than in her.

“I have been studying the treasury records,” she continues, searching his face for any kind of reaction. His lips curl up in a sneer as he takes a sip of wine, but his eyes are still firmly fixed on the horizon. Ev follows his gaze expecting to see some radical change to the surrounding landscape, but there is only faint outline of the city roofs behind the lush green of the palace's vast grounds, - no columns of smoke, no ominous looking storm clouds gathering in the distance, nothing that could possibly be more interesting than her. Whatever. “Your tax system - ,” she hands Valerius neatly arranged papers, which he completely ignores,“- it is not working.”

“Vesuvian tax system remained largely unchanged for the last two generations, this is how these matters are handled traditionally,” says Valerius, once again denying Ev courtesy of eye contact.

Ev’s mouth twists at the sound of the last words. Too worried the conservative mindset might be contagious, she quickly withdraws her hand and takes a step back.

“I trust you understand that sometimes one should focus on what works, and not what is traditional,” she says, doing her best to disguise the growing irritation. “You don’t attract nearly as much foreign trade as you used to.”

What comes next is a very profound, uncomfortable silence. Ev sighs.

“Consul, you had plague in the city, people died,” her voice is louder now, “lots of people died”, and the irritation is obvious. “And Vesuvia cannot exist without its people. Somebody needs to bring food from the farmlands, make clothes, teach children, attend to the sick. Yes, in the past you could always import whatever you did not have but now people are scared to come because of the plague. You -”, she pauses in anticipation noticing Valerius shifting in his seat, but he only reaches for the bottle to top up his glass, “- you need to do something to make it attractive for them again. Lower the customs, lift the taxes for people whose skills you need, sell empty real estate cheap. There is plenty all around the city!”

Deep down Ev knows that none of these is going to work long term, but she doesn't care - she wants to do something and she wants to do it now.

Yet, nothing changes. She is still standing there, and he is still looking away. Ev would prefer him to disagree, start arguing with her - anything really, as long as it breaks this silence.

“Fine! If you don’t feel like changing this traditional system of yours, even temporarily, at least fix your mistakes.” Ev starts chaotically flipping through the papers searching for the one she needs, which would be a much easier task, if she was less flurried and if Valerius offered her a seat. She wonders whether he is now watching her, sneering at her struggle. “Your approved accounts, here,” this time she brusquely puts the paper in front of Valerius’s face blocking his view, “your numbers do not even add up! ”

For a split second she sees something on his face - a twitch, a flick of rage, and thinks that she has gone too far. But his question comes out in a calm, almost disinterested tone: “What makes you think that somebody like you is even qualified to check the city’s budget approved by the esteemed procurator Volta?”

A moment passes before Ev is able to break from staring at Valerius in disbelief. She glances to the salon where, judging by the sound, Volta has freed her mouth only to move to the next dish. Seriously? Perhaps she should be impressed that he managed to say it with the straight face.

And then there is a chilling sensation at the pit of Ev’s stomach. She asks herself what is going on here? What is this city under the reign of a person who questions everything and everyone except the obvious mistake in the accounts? And what is she - ? Angry, she reminds herself, is what she is, and throws a look at Valerius, who is taking another sip from his glass as in triumph. You don’t need to be qualified, you just need to have common sense. And you, Valerius, either don’t have it or you were not even bothered to look at what your court approves.

She pictures him lazily drinking wine, legs on the desk, his shirt unbuttoned, while completely ignoring his state duties. The image is irritating and yet not entirely unpleasant.

“We both know that I come from a family of alchemists and merchants. Trust me, I know how to count,” she says with a smile. It sounded right in her head, a ridiculous answer to the ridiculous question.

“I thought that during our last meeting you said that you had nothing to do with your witchcraft family.” A perfectly raised eyebrow, and that infuriating smirk.

Ev opens her mouth in protest but gives up quickly. Those were her exact words after all, save for the witchcraft part.

She begins to pace around the balcony avoiding looking at Valerius as much as possible. The consul clearly has a way of getting on her nerves, and she needs all her concentration if she wants to explain what exactly will happen to this goddamn city if they carry on with this approved budget.

“Think about the consequences for the people if this mistake is not corrected!” she shouts, her voice much louder than she would like it to be, and quickly turns to Valerius expecting a blowback. But the pale eyes are looking down, studying something on the floor, or on the edge of the fabric of her long sleeve, she really can’t tell. Oh gods, he is not even paying attention.

***

Valerius has firmly decided that he is not going to pay any attention.

The time of plague was exhausting: the palace suddenly full of people of all kinds and intentions promising to find a cure, pleas for help on the streets which he could not escape even behind the doors of the most expensive carriages, the count who was growing more desperate everyday and the white smoke of the Lazaret carried by the sea breeze towards the city, the memory of which still haunts him. And now there is the Satrinavas’ new pet here having an audacity to talk about his city’s problems - the problems which, out of all people, he should know the most about, he is the consul after all, and a Vesuvian.

Vesuvia he inherited is haggard and sad, and on top of that an enormous responsibility. The last thing he needs is a stranger questioning his authority, as if the incompetent court and the city demanding their beloved countess back have not been tiresome enough. Valerius lets out a short, barely audible sigh. He just wants this farce to be over so he can go back to thinking.

But the witch is not planning to stop, if anything she seems to be enjoying it. Look at her. Absorbed by herself and her ludicrous ideas, she is loud and talks too much with her hands. Her dress keeps slipping down the shoulder draping around the soft curve of a half barred breast every time she does one of these unnecessary, overconfident gestures. Valerius has absolutely no idea whether this is deliberate or she is simply unaware of the indecency which keeps drawing his eyes.

He tries to distract himself by taking a drink of wine only to discover that his glass, just like the air around him, is full of this loud perfume of hers. Harsh cinnamon, incense and patchouli, very much alike their owner, have no concept of the personal space ruining the perfect balance of his red. The wine is not helping. He catches himself looking at the shoulder again. In fact, absolutely useless. He sets his unfinished glass aside on the small table. Valerius has had enough.

***

“Enough!” Valerius shouts. His voice is suddenly deep and rather forceful and Ev hates that it has the desired effect on her. She stops and looks at him. “You were not invited to the court meeting.” The consul’s face looks awfully angry now.

Ev narrows her eyes. “And what exactly are you doing at your court meeting?”

��That should not be a concern of the Prakran subject”, Valerius says, his words dripping with poison, “or whoever you are.”

“I am a diplomatic emissary -,” she does not get a chance to finish.

“Leave!”

Ev wants to scream and protest, but even she knows better than to yell at somebody who outranked her. She draws a breath. One, two, three. All right.

“I only came to give you the papers”, she says coldly, her eyes still locked on his, and leans forward to place the documents on the table. “But I am taking this away, one should work without the distraction of wine.”

With these words Ev snatches the glass from the table, turns away and heads toward the exit as fast as she can without breaking into running. She does not want to look like she is scared that Valerius will grab her by the arm. If anything she is slightly disappointed that he doesn’t.

“My regards to the court,” she raises her hand and waves the glass in the air without looking back. Behind her there is a sound of paper being torn apart.

***

Ev only slows down when she reaches the main staircase.

Suddenly feeling very tired, she leans against the handrail. Again, what is she doing here? Why did she need to turn up in person when she could send a letter? Ev closes her eyes and rubs her fingers together as if feeling for answers in the whorls of her own skin, and remembers about the glass in her hand. Another bad decision. It would have been wiser to take the bottle.

She raises the glass to her lips and breathes in the wine. It’s pleasant. Perhaps she would prefer its company to the boring palace affairs too. Ev twists the glass in her hand, eying the smooth rim before drawing one long sip. It leaves a blush mark of her lips firmly planted on the surface which she studies for a few seconds. “You better be as angry as I am now”, she says to the dark liquid at the bottom of the glass.

[babygirlizz]

izzie’s favorite movies and tv shows of 2020 (aka the worst year ever)

another year, another movie and tv show review. this year has, to put it simply, sucked. 2020 has been so terribly awful that sometimes the only light you can see are the absolute bangers of movies and tv shows that came out this year. with that being said, some of the movies and tv shows didn't come out in 2020. if the are mentioned in this post it is because they either: had a season come out this year, i found them this year, or they became popular this year.

SPOILERS: it may not come as a surprise but just in case you didn't realize, there will be many spoilers ahead, read at your own risk.

tw // death, suicide, drug use, mild adult language. if any of these things might trigger you, i strongly urge you not to read this post.

there is no specific order of these shows and movies, i'm just writing as they come to mind. if you enjoy any of these movies or tv shows, or if you have any suggestions for me, please let me know!

TV SHOWS

1) Santa Clarita Diet

Okay, so I know this show doesn't have anything to do with 2020. But, I found this show in 2020. I put it off for a while, thinking it wasn't my style of a show, but boy was I wrong. I loved this show. Sheila Hammond (Drew Barrymore) is a normal suburban wife and mom. She is a real estate agent with her husband Joel (Timothy Olyphant). She struggles with the fact that she isn't very adventurous. This all changes when she throws up an insane amount at a house showing. She then finds herself craving adventure, and craving human flesh. Yeah, she's a zombie. Not only is this show super hilarious, but it also shows the growth that they have with their characters and their family. I'm also team Abby (Liv Hewson) and Eric (Skyler Gisondo).

2) Outer Banks

So, I'm from NC. And, watching this show at first bothered me because I can very obviously tell this show isn't actually filmed in the obx, and the geography isn't exact, but once I got past that, I loved it. John B (Chase Stokes) is a teenager that lives in the poor side of the outer banks. He has a friend group called the Pogues which consists of JJ (Rudy Pankow), Pope (Jonathan Daviss), and Kie (Madison Bailey). They absolutely hate the Kooks, which are the rich kids. A while after John B's dad gets lost at sea, presumed dead, the group finds some evidence that may solve the mystery, and make them rich. In the process, John B falls in love with a Kook names Sarah (Madelyn Cline) whose father Ward (Charles Esten) may have a little more to do with the mystery than he let on. Through friendship, murder, and secrets, the gang may just figure out what happened to John B's dad.

3) Love, Victor

Alright. I loved loved loved Love, Simon. I also really loved the book "Simon vs. the Homosapien Agenda." So, when I heard about this show, I was so excited. Victor (Michael Cimino) is a teenage boy that moved to Creekwood with his family. He meets Felix (Anthony Turpel) who lives in his building. He also meets Mia (Rachel Hilson) and they begin dating. But, he also meets Benji (George Sear). While trying to get used to a new school, new friends, and a new relationship, Victor finds himself questioning his sexuality. With the help of Simon (Nick Robinson) and his friends, Victor finds it in himself to finally come out, and he admits his feelings, for Benji. This is such a good show, but I was so upset when season 1 ended on a cliff-hanger.

4) The Haunting of Bly Manor

The sequel to The Haunting of Hill House. Now listen, haunting of hill house was an absolute banger. When I saw that Bly came out I nearly died. I was so excited. But, I was alone in my apartment and also a lil bitch. So, I had to wait a week until I was home with my family to watch it. Now, I was so excited to be scared, and there were a few jump scares and ominous moments, but this season was more centered around the story line of Dani Clayton (Victoria Pedretti) and her new life in a foreign country. When seeing an ad for a live in job as an au pair. When she gets there, she meets the two young children she’ll be looking out for and the other workers of the house, including the gardener, Jamie (Amelia Eve). Throughout her stay at Bly she begins to notice weird behaviors from both children and by the end of the series she sacrifices herself for the children. Sadly, this story is being told by Jamie who Dani had fallen in love with during her stay at Bly. Now I was somewhat upset about the lack of horror, but was still very intrigued and drawn in by this series.

5) Julie and the Phantoms

Alright, at first I was not gonna watch this show. I thought it looked a little too young and childish for me, but everyone was talking about it on twitter so I had to. I. Love. This. Show. This show centers around Julie (Madison Reyes). Julie is a teenage girl who, sadly, lost her mother. The one major thing she shared with her mom, was their love for music. Since her mothers passing, she gave up music. This is until, dead musicians from the 90′s show up in her garage. Luke (Charlie Gillespie), Alex (Owen Joyner), and Reggie (Jeremy Shada) all tragically passed away in the 90′s after eating bad street hotdogs. When Julie finds their CD in her garage, she decides to play it and they come back in ghost form. But, only she can see them. With their help, she finds her confidence to play music again. Also, she has to find away for them to stay because they’re slowly disappearing. 

6) Derry Girls

Bitch. I love this show. And yeah it didn’t come out in 2020. Shut up. I found this show recently after watching the cast on the holiday special of the Great British Baking Show. I loved the actors so I had to watch the show. This show focuses on Erin (Saoirse-Monica Jackson) a 16 year old girl that lives in Derry, Northern Ireland in the 90′s. Alongside her is her cousin Orla (Louisa Harland), her two friends Clare (Nicola Coughlan) and Michelle (Jamie-Lee O’Donnell), and Michelle’s English cousin James (Dylan Llewellyn). During these years, a lot of people in Ireland struggled, especially because it was during wartime. Even thought this show isn’t focused heavily around the war, it’s amazing to see these teens live a fulfilling life while struggling with the state of their country, and the lack of money that their families have. 

7) Elite

HA. This show did have a season in 2020 so leave me alone. But bro, I love this show. At first, I didn’t watch it because I thought I could only watch the dubbed version in English, which I hate. I hate dubbed shows they look so weird. But, once I found out I could watch this show in Spanish, I fell in love. But, sadly, theres too damn much to talk about in one little post. It’s crazy. But basically it just follows the lives of teens in high school that are trying to survive. And no, not in the “I’m surviving high school,” sense. No, people be getting murdered. 

MOVIES (tbh i didn’t find a lot of movies good this year lmk which movies u liked this year and maybe i’ll like them!)

1) All the Bright Places

After the death of her sister, Violet (Elle Fanning) is devastated. She closes herself off, and has her parents get her out of doing school work that involves working with others. But, as time goes on, they realize she may need to start to move on. Violet then meets Finch (Justice Smith) who is enamored by Violet. He suggests they do a project together. While finding and visiting some of the smallest wonders of their state, they begin to fall for each other. While you are focusing on Violet and her mental health, you tend to miss some of the signs that Finch’s mental health isn’t great either, but by the time you do, it could be too late. 

2) Dangerous Lies

Hmm. This was weird for me. I had only ever seen Camila Mendes in Riverdale, and honestly, not a fan. So, Katie (Camila Mendes) and her husband Adam (Jessie T. Usher) are struggling with money. Katie decides to take a job working for an elderly man, and eventually gets her husband hired there as well. Unfortunately, he dies, but for some odd reason, leaves the house and all of his fortune, to Katie. As they get comfortable in the house, they begin to uncover some very weird and dangerous lies. 

3) The Devil All the Time

Ok. Iconic. You got so many hot men in this movie. Bill Skarsgård, Sebastian Stan, Tom Holland, Robert Pattinson. C’mon now. That’s crazy. But, this story is so long and in depth that I wouldn’t even know where to begin. This movie is a bit disturbing. It involves murder, sexual assault, killing of animals, and so much more so if that’s an issue for you please do not watch this movie. It was also quite long, but it was still good.

4) After We Collided

Okay just listen. I was that teenager. I read wattpad stories and was, embarrassingly, addicted to After. This was not a great movie per say, but it was After. This is a sequel to the movie After. This movie centers around Tessa (Josephine Langford) and her recovery after her breakup with Hardin (Hero Fiennes Tiffin). Theres sex, alcohol, bad acting. The whole nine-yards. But c’mon, they’re so cute together.

5) To All the Boys p.s. I Still Love You

Okay it was a good movie. I enjoyed it. This movie focuses on Lara Jean (Lana Condor) and her boyfriend Peter (Noah Centineo) and their relationship post the first movie. But of course relationships aren’t super steady, and John Ambrose McClaren (Jordan Fisher) shows up. Yeah, John Ambrose, from her letter. They become closer and Lara Jean has to decide who she wants to be with. Spoiler, it’s Peter. BOOOOOOO justice for John Ambrose McClaren, he deserved better. 

[setsuntamew]

So, Persona 5 Royal, huh?

Full disclosure: I had gotten about halfway through November on Wednesday and finished it out Saturday night, which took uhhh about 65-70 hours? Some of that was sitting there waiting for the PS4 controller to recharge or listening to music in the Thieves Den while eating, but I still feel like I need to own up to how extremely bad I am at making good decisions with my life XD

MOVING ON, THOUGH, HOLY SHIT. P5 was a very good game, but Royal’s additions & changes made it incredible. I like the ending way more; I think it’s more emotionally fulfilling and meaningful, especially with everyone’s more defined future plans. Definitely felt like everyone had more growth in the end!! Which is something I’d always thought P5 was lacking.

Snip snip for spoilers and the fact that this post ended up being too damn long, oops! the last third is basically Akechi feels and analyzing his ending, so......yeah XD

Part of why I plowed through SO much of Royal in so little time is....Akechi XD Like okay, this is my stupid fandom blog, I can be excited about him all I want!!! I got to Sae’s Palace and just....I couldn’t put it down. @dragonofeternal​ and I ordered an embarrassing amount of takeout instead of cooking because we just had to see how everything with Maruki and the third semester was gonna go down. I’d already been dying along the way because Akechi’s confidant dates are so good, I just. Fuck!!!

Also, look, for the entirity of Shido’s boss fight and the depths of Mementos/Yaldabaoth/etc, we’d look at each other every few minutes and just be like AKECHI SHOULD BE HERE WITH US, HE DESERVES TO GET HIS VENGEANCE ON HIS SHITTY DAD AND FORCED DESTINY!!!!!

December 24th had to be the longest god damn day in Akira’s life because like. Final exam grades are posted in the morning! He goes to school and then dives into hell, crawls his way back out, briefly dies by fading from human cognition, fights an actual fucking god, and then....ends up dissociating in Shibuya until Sae shows up and is like “oh hey thanks for everything you did, please sign up for being arrested now.” And while he’s still reeling from that, Akechi walks up to take his place, like some kind of bullshit knight in shining armor schtick, and leaves no room for conversation.

AND THEN WE HAVE TO GO ON A DATE

I romanced Hifumi this time around, because I wanted Akria to bang a girl who is just so incredibly out of his league, but....it’s not necessarily that I forgot I was dating someone, more that it had been *so many hours of plot* that I was emotionally exhausted. Like, Hifumi texted me and I was just like. Right. RIGHT. It’s still Christmas Eve, somehow. I was at *school* this morning. The whole world merged with Mementos briefly in the middle of this, Akechi is somehow alive, and I guess I’m going on a date now????

I do appreciate how many “god I’m just dissociating my way through this” conversation options there were for the date, tbh. I feel bad though, I really like Hifumi, but I feel like Akira is not giving a date his full emotional attention at that specific time. It feels a bit like emotional whiplash, more so than I remember it being in P5? Maybe it’s because I played it 4 years ago and there wasn’t the added emotional weight of Akechi’s reappearance, but it was just like....a lot, in Royal.

AND THEN THE NEW YEAR HAPPENED. I’d been spoiled on large parts of the third semester, mostly because Royal’s been out for a year already and I’m too curious for my own good. I’d also somehow lied to myself, saying I didn’t have time to play another Persona game right now, and yet here I am, 171 hours of game play within exactly a month, kicking myself for not knowing how deep in Persona hell I would get XD

Which is to say, as soon as the new year started, it felt I was drowning in anxiety. I knew something was wrong, I knew they were in a false reality, but knowing that sure as fuck didn’t make it easier to go through. If anything, it was somehow worse, knowing that it was all gonna come crumbling down, but I didn’t yet know the exact details, only the broad strokes of it. Just. Every time someone talked about something that was wrong, my heart would clench.

God, I’m so fucking tired, I pulled an all-nighter on Friday so I could get through Royal before having to work on Sunday, and I am feeling it right now. Life tips: don’t do what I do XD

Every moment with Akechi felt like borrowed time, at least for me, because I knew what was coming. I spent so much time in Mementos with him; I ended up putting just him and Akira in my party and plowing through everything, including trouncing the Reaper over and over just for the hell of it. I got his ultimate weapons, I spent so many nights in the jazz club with him that he ran out of dialogue options, and I still took him back for more. I accidentally failed to EVER trigger Sumire’s Showtime because every fight was just Akira and Akechi against the world, because fuck it, I’m playing this for fun!! If I want to play with them in stupid costumes and no one else in the party, I’m gonna. Royal did such an incredible job giving Akechi more depth and development: it was all I could hope for, and it made it that much fucking worse to know what was in store for him.

Somehow, I thought it would be harder for me to make the decision to refuse Maruki’s deal, since fuck, fuck what I wouldn’t give for Akechi to be alive???? But I barely hesitated, only really stopping because I had to emotionally brace myself for it, because a reality where he can’t carve out his own fate would be a disrespect to everything their relationship is built on.

I have a whole shit ton of feelings about post-beating Maruki but they’re basically all Akechi related meta so somehow they ended up at the end of this post, I’m sorry XD

I understand that they had to keep the going to jail bit because 1) Akechi didn’t turn himself in, Akira did and 2) it leads to the final events of the game, but let me just say....the emotional roller coaster of fighting Maruki, almost failing multiple times, waking up in jail, the Phantom Thieves & friends getting Akira out of jail, celebrating that, and then getting thrown into Valentines Day was a LOT for my heart to take. Once again, didn’t forget I had a girlfriend, just got too invested in the plot to really be thinking about her. It’s less than two weeks after the fight with Maruki and somehow, everything is supposed to be okay????

The scene with everyone talking about their future plans is such good character growth, though. Everyone feels like they’ve truly grown and are making decisions that, even though they might be painful or hard at times, are ultimately very important to them. It’s a really good contrast to the “almost everyone goes to Shujin and they all stay in Tokyo forever without doing anything for themselves” Maruki’s perfect reality bad end.

Standing in the Underground Mall on White Day, being told I had to get flowers but finally being able to have control of Akira again was....so bittersweet. The fact that the location of the date is the aquarium is a low fucking blow, and I almost threw the controller across the room I was so upset. Like. THE AQUARIUM IS UNLOCKED BECAUSE AKECHI HAS TICKETS HOW FUCKING DARE SOJIRO SUGGEST IT LIKE MY HEART ISN’T STILL ACHING????? God, speaking of that: The fucking god damn Featherman video game tore my heart out because I ended up playing it WHILE WORKING ON SHIDO’S PALACE and I cried a ton about Gray Pigeon because of course they had to dig the emotional knife in even deeper!! Just fuck me up, it’s fine, I’m just dying!!!!!!!!!!!!

I ended up scrolling through his texts to find the group chats that still had Akechi in them, and fuck, it was a LOT. Like. Maybe it’s because I’m too invested in the two of them, but it was probably the worst emotional whiplash of the whole game. Like, how am I supposed to go play happy with anyone while staring at texts from a reality built of lies? It wasn’t real but the proof lives on in his phone and his heart, and I’m still fucked up over it.

HOWEVER. FUCKING. I SPENT LIKE HALF AN HOUR BEING EMOTIONALLY COMPROMISED ABOUT ALL THIS AND THEN DISCOVERED THE BASTARD STILL HAD ALL HIS EQUIPMENT, INCLUDING THE ULTIMATE MALE ARMOR!!! He returned his shit after Sae’s Palace even though he thought Akira was dead, but this time it didn’t get fucking returned to my inventory, so he must have fucking run off with all his shit!!!!!!! Why the hell did none of it get returned if he was never alive in the true reality? Like I know it'll be returned for a new game+ but I like to nitpick game mechanics for story reasons, because one of the things I love most about video games is the experience of them as another layer to the story. The texts from the third semester shouldn’t exist anymore, since they never really existed, but there they are. Akechi insisted that he has a gap in his memory after Shido’s Palace up until seeing Akira on Christmas Eve, but who can say that wasn’t related to Maruki tampering with reality or some other Persona-related reason?

I mean. I got the full and complete True Ending; I saw him in the train station. If that’s not Akechi, then who the fuck is it? Atlus made sure to put the work in to make him a part of not just the main story but also, especially, the third semester, and for what....to have his final time on screen be as the butt of the joke, squished underneath everyone in the Mona-copter? As much as it hurts, his end in Shido’s Palace matters; it fits his character and he gets to go out fighting- carving his own path, really. In Royal, barring the tiny glimpse of someone who’s probably him in the train station, the last we see of him is when he watches Joker let go of the rope to finish off Maruki. I know we got the heart to heart where Akira agrees to reject Maruki’s deal and Akechi insists that he’d rather be dead than live in a false reality, but.....no one even says goodbye to him. It’s tragic, it’s painfully lonely, but it doesn’t feel right for such a major character.

Also, as undignified as it is, for the first time ever, Akechi looks like he actually belongs in the Phantom Thieves in that final moment. He’s never been the butt of their jokes before; they always kept him at arms’ reach and he took himself too seriously to be included, but for that brief moment, it really felt like he was part of their group. He stopped lying about himself for their last month together, and so even if they don’t all like him, they can make that decision based on the truth, instead of layers of lies. His death is all the more tragic for this; a life cut short just when he’s finally finding a place he belongs. But his death was already painful; why make it so, so much worse?

Final thing: I’m gonna be spending a ton of time in the Thieves Den trying to find Akechi’s opinions on everything, but also....hey. HEY. What do those six stars that Jose (probably?) painted on the wall mean? Is it just a reference to Persona 6???? LIKE????? I HAVE QUESTIONS. SO, SO MANY QUESTIONS!!!!

Anyway, I’ve gotta go cry into my Starbucks and desperately try to focus on actually doing my job at work, but I loved Royal deeply and cannot wait to drown in it ;w;

[noshitshakespeare]

My sister often says that Romeo and Juliet's love wasn't genuine. She believes that Romeo was a creep (whom she heard was 18, from a teacher of hers), for lusting after Juliet when she was 13. And though i do see her disgust, i want to believe that their infatuation did eventually turn to love. However, (despite their portrayals as teenagers) I fear that their age gap invalidates their relationship. What do you think?

I get this kind of opinion about Romeo and Juliet pretty often. I suspect it has to do with how it’s taught, the bad information (not based on the text) that’s out there, and idea about ‘genuine love’.

Let’s think about it one step at a time... Juliet is 13. In Act 1, scene 3 the nurse says ‘Come Lammas Eve at night shall she be fourteen’, and Lady Capulet specifies that it is ‘A fortnight and odd days’ (1.3.16-18) to Lammastide. So Juliet's about two weeks away from being 14. The idea that Romeo is 18 is a misconception. The play never mentions his age, and therefore there’s no textual basis for the idea that there’s an age gap. He’s often played to be about 16, but he could be the same age as Juliet. Personally, I think of this play as a coming-of-age story about young people discovering the kind of world they live in, so I think both Romeo and Juliet have to be reasonably young for it to work. In fact, I think that’s part of the reason Shakespeare makes Juliet younger than she is in any of his source texts. What the author does with the material he’s adapting can give a sense of what he’s choosing to focus on. An age gap that may not exist is not a very strong reason to discredit their love. 

As for lusting and loving... The chief problem here is that there’s no consensus on how to define ‘genuine love’. What exactly does someone mean when they say that? Non-sexual? I’m not sure why it is that people feel the need to separate lust and love so categorically. You can just lust and you can have non-lustful love for someone (like for your family), but many romantic relationships are a mixture of sexual desire and love. How or why should one separate that out? Does every couple who wants to have sex not genuinely love each other?

Romeo and Juliet certainly are absolutely physically attracted to one another. Especially Juliet. I mean her epithalamion? 

Spread thy close curtain, love-performing night, That runaways' eyes may wink, and Romeo Leap to these arms, untalked of and unseen.(3.2.5-6)

She is so impatient for her wedding night. But the lovers themselves certainly think they love each other, which is very important. As Juliet says just before they get married, ‘my true love is grown to such excess, / I cannot sum up sum of half my wealth’ (2.6.33-34). And there’s also one of the most beautiful lines in the play:

My bounty is as boundless as the sea, My love as deep; the more I give to thee, The more I have, for both are infinite. (2.2.133-35)

This is the exact opposite of how Shakespeare generally describes lust, which is something that’s used up. Take, for instance, the bitter voice of sonnet 129: 

Th' expense of spirit in a waste of shame Is lust in action; and till action, lust Is perjured, murd'rous, bloody, full of blame, Savage, extreme, rude, cruel, not to trust, Enjoyed no sooner but despisèd straight, Past reason hunted; and, no sooner had Past reason hated as a swallowed bait On purpose laid to make the taker mad.

Lust is irrational, violent, damaging, and hated as soon as it's enjoyed. As Cressida laments in Troilus and Cressida (a much more problematic relationship), ‘Women are angels, wooing; / Things won are done; joy's soul lies in the doing’ (1.2.277-78). Juliet’s love, in contrast, is something that gives and gives but keeps increasing in infinite plenitude. This is cemented later, the morning after their wedding night, when Romeo refers to Juliet as his ‘soul’ and says 'I have more care to stay than will to go. / Come, death, and welcome!’ (3.5.23-24). That is, he would much rather stay with Juliet and be killed and go to banishment. Things won are not done. Romeo doesn’t despise Juliet or want to leave her just because he’s achieved consummation. I think it’s safe to say that Shakespeare presents this love as something to be taken seriously. It doesn’t matter how old they are or how quickly they fall in love, Romeo and Juliet have found something in their mutual passion which is real and beautiful.

Also, Romeo is undoubtedly attracted to Juliet (I mean, he wants to be Juliet’s glove so he could touch her face in 2.2.24-25), but Shakespeare doesn’t make his language quite so explicit as Juliet’s. This might partly be to avoid the criticism that Romeo ‘is a creep who lusts after Juliet’. It makes it clear that, as Juliet puts it, Romeo’s love is ‘honourable’ (2.2.143). And this is actually another crucial indication that however quick their love is, it’s meant to be taken seriously. The idea of the fallen woman or men who deceive maidens into sleeping with them before marriage exists in this time (again, Troilus is a good example. He doesn't marry Cressida), so if Romeo wasn't serious he could woo Juliet and leave her. The fact that Romeo respects Juliet enough to want to marry her is a pretty strong indication that it’s not simply a question of lust.

Obviously one can think of the play however one wants. If it works for you or your sister to think of it as somehow disingenuous, then you’re welcome to think so, but I think that reading takes away a lot of what is tragic and compelling about this play. The way I see it, there's quite a lot of textual indication that Shakespeare has made active choices to make these lovers genuine in their love for one another. I tend to think that the approach that doesn’t take the lovers seriously is formed on assumptions -- about age, the speed of the action, the text, and crucially, the idea that teenagers somehow aren’t capable of real love -- rather than on what the text itself shows. 

P.S. I actually answered a question like this a little while ago, so if you’re interested in reading more (and other opinions), then check it out here.

[sanoiro]

Lucifer Meta Post - Tether Me

I have seen and read many meta flying around regarding this song but none seemed to satisfy me. On the contrary this is a song that downright confused me since I watched the episode, therefore the circulating explanations or meta given were not enough for me. I’ll not say they are without merit, they are just not clicking the right way with my mindset of all things Lucifer. 

Since August I’ve wondered why they didn’t reverse the songs between 5x05 and 5x06 meaning why they didn’t use ‘This Year’s Love’ for the ending of 5x06? It would have made sense I thought albeit it would also be cheesy. On the other hand, the commitment that was expressed and the step taken in 5x05 while Chloe comes to her realisation that they chose each other makes that song quite perfect. Especially as it echoes the 3x23 scene and kiss. 

In 5x05 Chloe manages to take down the killer on her own - albeit with Amenadiel’s help - in the same way she uncovered the killer in 3x23 with Charlotte’s aid. Both episodes then end with the party who comes to a groundbreaking realisation to seek the other. In 3x23 Lucifer comes to Chloe while in 5x05 Chloe goes to the Penthouse to find Lucifer.  

“If you do not need me you are working with me all this time because you want to. Because you choose to. You did choose me.” - Lucifer 3x23

Then Lucifer goes on, that he was procrastinating to face the present as he was afraid of his feelings, that Chloe wanted him because she had seen only certain sides of him and if she knew all of him she would run. Yes, Chloe did ran but from Season 4 we see that the same issue happens with Chloe and it also manifests spectacularly in 5x03 and in 5x05. 

Is she a mere human that one day Lucifer will realise she is not worth it? The fact she is a miracle is that the only thing of value she has? Is the rest of her that insignificant that her existence and her relationship with Lucifer is based on the grounds she was designed for him, meaning that there will be another toy or distraction in the near or far future for him? Toys after all are meant to be played, used to promote growth and knowledge and sooner than later are disposed in storage or a bin. Learning experiences are not meant to be revisited when sucessful and as a parent Chloe knows that. 

All the above are relevant believe me. 

And now back in 5x05. 

“His theory is that you choose to be vulnerable around me.[...] If you choose to be vulnerable around me then I chose to be vulnerable around you.” - Chloe 5x05

Now this is what leads us to the use of “Tether Me” as the chosen song in the sex scene of 5x06. 

As a form of habit I always go back to AGN a fic, not really worth your time, but since day one I knew how it would end. Lucifer in the comics #75 (last one) - of the first and original series - says that “Perhaps this is the ultimate freedom, eh Dream Lord? The freedom to leave.” 

In a twist of words and due to life experiences I thought to turn the tables a bit there and say that the ultimate freedom sometimes is the freedom to stay. 

Lucifer as a series has explored free will and freedom a lot and we were always so fixated with the concept that freedom is a synonym of breaking free, of getting away, running. But since S2 when Lucifer in 2x14 came back to Chloe despite knowing she was a miracle and directly connected to him, in his opinion, we see that freedom in the end was not of him being liberated by this manipulation but setting his own terms into the situation by deciding to stay. 

The same thing happened with Chloe in S4. She stayed in Lucifer’s life despite his relationship with Eve and his internal and external Devilness and as we saw guilt manifestation. So now we can take the concept of “Tether Me” on a whole new level. Shall we? 

First of all. Tether Me. 

The definition here is to practically bind someone. But they are bound out of will and so the freedom they seek is through the commitment they make on their own terms, time and ways to express it. 

The physical connection as has been said before surely, is not just about sex. Many opt to forget or disregard the fact that Lucifer stayed celibate for thousands of years in Hell and then when he came on Earth he never sought a companion as he had done every time he visited Earth for millennia. Not even when he believed his time on Earth was limited and his relationship with Chloe impossible to progress. 

The fact the above is always brushed aside bothers me as it shows not just Lucifer’s emotional state but also his maturity and commitment on an ‘idea’ and a person. For the first time his coping mechanism for an emotional attachment through carnal gratification is rejected because the alternative is more fulfilling even though the consummation on any level up to 5x05, is deemed improbable. 

Lucifer emotionally and spiritually, as we may say, like Chloe since the end of Season 4 have, on a basic level, bound themselves to the person they love. They willingly surrendered not the option of being with someone else but their whole entity to the one they loved. 

But many poets have praised love stories that were never consummated or were led to tragic endings like Romeo and Juliet as they brought forward a commitment that lacked the difficulties and grind of what may come next. It is why such love stories, see the Titanic one, are viewed as pure and everlasting. That was Deckerstar before 5x06. 

In 5x06 the bounding each character experienced as an individual on the mode of surviving external pressures and grief, now turns to a new entity of two joined parts. 

As Lucifer and Chloe decide to take the leap we listen to the singer singing “Tether Me”. 

On a very simple way we can say that at that moment both characters stake their claim and on a cognitive BDMS level they allow the other to vine them. Do not mistake it as surrendering. They both equally maintain their identity but they commit to something that started since Season 1. 

In Season 1, Lucifer asked if Chloe trusted him and she said yes. Now in 5x06 we see that trust blooming. 

As characters, Chloe and Lucifer could never commit. Chloe in Season 1 lamented over the fact that Dan was not committed to his family as he was too preoccupied with his job but throughout the seasons we see that her commitment had to do with loosing her ground and allowing to be patronised in many ways. She believed that allowing her partners to take control over some aspects of her life, like with Dan in 3x11 where he was an authoritative/mentoring figure and then Marcus in the same way she was committing to that relationship. It is also interesting how she stopped doing that once Lucifer entered her life. 

Lucifer told her to trust her gut, he didn’t question her authority although he did go his way when he wanted to. When Chloe was backsteping for him he didn’t walk over that space albeit for several reasons. Her silly attitude in 2x12 was met with mistrust while in 4x08 he was truthful on how he was tired of being placed in a pedestal or be expected to act a certain way. 

So from Chloe’s side, her relationship with Lucifer in 5x05 finally reaches the point where as a person she does not back down to accommodate him and that is cherished because there is a difference between settling things as couple and letting others degrade you for a relationship to work. It is also why Deckerstar in a way it’s a healthy relationship despite all its ups and downs. 

Lucifer on the other hand as we have seen since Season 1 he has been very assertive to his sexual relationships but in the kisses of 2x11 and 3x23 he let Chloe set the pace. The only time he initiated a kiss due to the circumstances it was in 4x10. Now in 5x05 we see both of them start their decision to progress their relationship to a sexual one. 

For a being that constantly fled any form of commitment and abhorred notions of surrendering power and control it is interesting to see his choices in 5x06. First of all if we go back to his sexual history we shall see for example how his lovers in 2x14, were all describing a person who took control in the bedroom as he knew their desires and became a tool to fulfill them. You cannot have an emotional connection to a tool as you may very well know hence why none of Lucifer’s lovers ever looked back or would ever be willing to kill for him. Additionally in 3x13, it’s interesting of how Lucifer exhibits himself as a giver to the Korean mob boss. A tragic self-awareness if we want to be honest. 

We can say that Lucifer is mainly a pleaser but at the same time he rebels when he is enforced or constricted by something. It is why like the song describes (Pull me back, out of my body I'm tied to my limbs They're spinning me out of control) being bound to yourself gives out this sense of vibration, where you want to be set free but also cocooned into a blanket of security. Because sometimes it’s not about setting a person open like a starfish but making sure to sooth their violent tremors and let them rest than be painfully rigid. 

Now let’s follow the rest of the lyrics. 

In the corners of my mind Long forgotten, lost in time Turning stones to look for light It's dark out here in the dead night

Always in my perception of things, the theory of relativity is prominent here in my opinion. It’s about time and how when we are alone time seems unclear, passing but it creates a still numbness, overthinking and we are getting lost in a self-constructed mind maze. Basically what has happened to our characters througout the seasons. While they doubt themselves, trying to find a meaning behind each other’s reactions and decisions and even the world they live in. 

The ‘light’ part, for me at least, it’s a synonym of time. Of change and change often brings hope and progress. I mean progress is based on the concept that time exists and is passing so everything can only move forward whether they like it or not, but where can you find light and thus time when you are in a state of self-isolation from your wants and feelings? 

So in 5x06 we see Lucifer and Chloe stretching out only to let the other in. Their awareness of freedom is having the other in their arms, to emotionally and physically consume them until there is no clear indication they were once two separate beings, but careful we are talking about their emotional connection. As I have aforementioned, they retain their attributes as individuals and as we see in 5x07 they word and respect each other for that. About what is shared and how a relationship is not the end of ones self but neither the surrendering of everything that makes you unique. 

Change is never easy and never slowly paced and it is why the line of the lyrics: 

For a moment, I was gone. Speed of light right to the red dawn. 

For me it’s when the clock starts ticking from both ends without that meaning it’s a countdown. Mornings are set to be the set of new beginnings after all but they all require a sacrifice, a red one in preference. Hence the: 

In this space, do I belong?

Breaking insecurities is hard as one set of them is replaced by yet another and it is a great song if we get it under that scope. That a relationship and particularly sex is not the resolving of everything but the transcription of yet another set of adventures down the road. 

And the: 

It's dark out here in my own thoughts. 

Will remain a part of Lucifer’s theme in P2 but also in Season 6 so no idea if they went that far in the meta level but knowing your partner needs helps and there will be dark spells, after all bad spells it’s part of life. There is no easy fix as you will see. No matter what will be resolved, a troubled mind will remain one. The question is how you will tackle the difficulties and the bad days or moments. That is all. And the difficult moments will also be the good moments. Weird thinking for some I know but we cannot expect life, even a made up one to be perfect or even easy. 

So Tether Me.

Bind me in a safe place alongside you, without the possibility to harm you or myself, to be free because I’m with you and the perception of how grand a world is, it’s but a matter of debate and time. 

[kim-lexie]

do do sol sol la la sol.

overview.

this drama follows the story of our tragic ra-ra who is currently in a mess, when her fiance runs from the alter and her father unexpectedly passes away, she is scammed out of her money and finds herself in eunpo, a town full of lovely characters who come to surround her. as well as our man jun, who is ra-ra's knight in shining armor. i love it. it's great. their story is funny and lighthearted. i would rate it a 10 out of 10; however, that finale had me balling my eyes out and i felt oh so betrayed.

this was a fabulous drama. each and every week i was waiting for the next episode. thank you to our beautiful man, lee jae wook, for interesting me to watch this. go ara did a beautiful job and i loved her as this carefree character. jun was such a great stoic character and we were able to peel back all his layers and i loved that he showed rara a different side of him. they were so lovely together.

*spoiler alert*

goo ra-ra. this girl was our carefree gem. at the start it was more of oblivious as she lived a very sheltered life, one in which she was always supported by her father. she was his darling. when he suddenly passed away our girl was left abandoned. this was tragic and she only had mimi by her side. she got herself together, after being abandoned at the alter only to be scammed. the definition of tragic for our leading lady. then we run into our knight in shining armor as she was trying to meet mr. dodosolsollalasol. (very sketch but we live in dramaland and it’s totally normal)

sunwoo jun. his character is stoic and quiet, reserved. never ventures outside, stays quiet as we later find to stay hidden from his family. but when ra-ra enters she seems to open him up. he ends up helping her financially after she runs into him on his bike, and she is injured. logic is nonexistent at this moment (we later find that he knew her previously but she forgot about him...) but he nevertheless, helps a girl out and this brings us to the wonderful people of this town, eunpo.

jun takes her back to his home because our girl is homeless. and introduces us to the fabulous crew in eunpo. now they’re not about to let this new girl into their circle. however, she quickly makes her way with her sweet oblivious nature. i loved jin sook-kyeong, with her hilarious nature, the owner of the hairdresser next door to where jun was staying. and her daughter jin ha-young. it was so funny how ha-young transformed from being obsessed with jun to finally seeing that her best friend lee seung-ki had feelings for her all along! literally the cutest progression of friendship to romance. and i loved that we got to see them in the end after a few years with a family of their own. 

i loved the little crew that they formed with ra-ra, jun, dr. cha, seung-ki, and ha-young. they were precious. how everyone would gather at jun’s workplace and eat dinner together. i loved how they all brought out different aspects of the other’s personalities. 

the ladies that all meet at the hair salon provide so much aid to ra-ra and i love how they all gather around her in support of her dreams from opening her own piano academy ‘la la land’, to wanting to find mr. dodosolsollalasol. they all rally around her. 

now ra-ra needs to earn her keep and pay back jun. la la land was a dream that came out of her wanting to continue to pursue music after her impact on mr. kim, an older fellow in the community who recently lost his wife.  (side note: i loved the episode where jun played mr. kim and ra-ra his late wife in recreating their love story. it was precious, and my heart was sooo full). this venture to start lalaland leads her to a prodigy student, jae-min. this precious bean goes on to do great things!! i also loved the moments when jun and ra-ra would come together after their long days and she would play the piano and jun would tidy up the space. they were cute and supportive of one another.

i cannot forget about our doctor cha eun-seok. this man seemingly followed ra-ra to eunpo. he wanted to escape seoul and start fresh in eunpo. he seemingly pursues her briefly but ra-ra already has feelings for jun. but he is a constant in her life, always there to be supportive of her dreams, and be there as a shoulder to cry on especially at the end. 

now on to the tea. as it turns jun has been on the run from his family. which turns out to be sunwoo group, the owner of the main hospital in seoul. and turns out jun isn’t an oppa, he is a senior in high school. he ran away after his family’s pressure became too much. they were unsupportive of him in his academic pursuits, as well as neglected his feelings of grief after his best friend ji-hun passed away in front of his eyes. but min-su the owner of the agency sent to track jun down comes and notifies his mother. and everything blows up. and we find out all about this and it shocks everyone in eunpo. especially our ra-ra. 

jun of course is dragged back to seoul to be essentially in lock down to study, but he misses everyone in eunpo especially his ra-ra. they seemingly go back to a somewhat normal life. jun in seoul studying, and ra-ra pursuing her career as a piano teacher. but our sweet beans seung-ki and ha-young decide to open a wedding business and use ra-ra and eun-seok as their first trial wedding. jun sees this post on social media and runs to eunpo, stealing the bride at the alter and running away with her. it was quite the ending to the episode. i was floored. like noooo way would she marry dr. cha. she still loves jun! and of course she did. 

nevertheless, jun still needs to finish school and then after the exams they decide they can meet again. but in the interim jun comes to find that he has leukemia. here is where it gets ohhh so soapy. he doesn’t want ra-ra to see him like this so he uses min-su, as he was investigating how jun was, to his advantage. he has his friend from school stand in as his ‘girlfriend’ to prove that he has moved on from ra-ra. it was devastating. because how she has truly realized how important jun was in her life and that she wanted to be with him. 

among all of this ra-ra comes to find that mr. dodosolsollalasol was not mr. kim but rather jun all along! she walks by a cafe of the same name and it all comes flooding back. they met prior to her piano recital, jun bought her a drink from the cafe because she lost her wallet. and it all comes full circle. she had to leave before he could come back after a phone call. jun sees the message she wrote to mr. dodosolsollalasol, and comes to see her one last time before going off to treatment. but they keep in touch via messaging and phone calls. he even does a virtual piano recital with them on christmas eve. it was precious.

and you think all is well. he will come back after treatment, and they can be together. well you thought. if you asked me at this point what i would rate this drama, a 10 out of 10. but these last two episodes threw me. his mother returns and basically says that jun is dead. everyone in eunpo thinks this man is dead. years....i say YEARS later ra-ra is playing her little song she played whenever jun would come home from work, and homeboy decides to waltz in the door. what the even?! at least they end up together, but i was still at a loss as to why he lied. it was so uncharacteristic of him. quite disappointed in the writers’ choices here. 

honestly, when i look back i still recall fond memories of this drama, but the last two episodes were soooo sour. but lee jae wook was in it and he got the girl in the end so i guess that makes up for the deducted points due to the nonsense. so it is still a 10 out of 10 in my book. i would highly recommend this one. it was a gem. 

[trombonesinspace]

Typhoid Mary: feminist femme fatale?

“Season 4 was going to be Typhoid Mary, Alice Eve [who played the role in Iron Fist], we were doing a kind of...I had a much different version of her than what Raven [Metzner] had done in Iron Fist. I was kind of rebooting what she was going to be like, and we were going to do a, you know, kind of a warped love story/murder mystery kind of femme fatale, but kind of a modern-day, feminist version of it, as opposed to kind of the older, sexist kind of femme fatale archetype.”

-Erik Oleson, in conversation with Steven DeKnight, SaveDaredevilCon 

As I said yesterday, I have some thoughts about this! If you want some opinions nobody asked for, about a storyline that may never come to pass, you’ve come to the right place! Let’s dive in.

A femme fatale is a character type with quite a history, that can take various forms. She is always an attractive woman who brings ruin to the man who gets involved with her. But sometimes she is deliberately manipulative, while sometimes she is more a victim of circumstances. She may be evil, or she may be sympathetic/tragic. But whatever her moral alignment, she has two defining traits: sexual allure, and some form of negative consequences for the hero as a result of his involvement with her.

A woman who schemes against the hero, and succeeds in harming him, but without using feminine wiles? Not a femme fatale. The Marvel TV universe has featured several examples on different shows: Madame Gao, Mariah Dillard, Alexandra. And, ironically, the version of Typhoid Mary who appeared in Iron Fist. (We’ll get there.)

A sexy woman who tries to manipulate/damage the hero, but fails? Also not a femme fatale. I wish I could give some examples, but sadly I can’t think of any, in dramas at least. Our current media culture loves a sexy manipulator, no writer ever seems to introduce one into a dramatic story without making her succeed in her schemes, to some extent at least.

Which is unfortunate, from my perspective, because I loathe sexy manipulators. It’s a character type I really dislike, whenever I encounter her. As soon as she shows up, I know the hero is going to fall for her bullshit like a chump, and I’m going to end up respecting him less as a result. I could try to unpack my feelings about this a bit more, but that would probably make a post all on its own, so for now I’ll leave it at that.

This doesn’t mean I hate all femmes fatales—it really depends on her motivation and her behavior. If she isn’t trying to harm the hero, and it happens due to circumstances, then I might like the character, but the story becomes a tragedy. Which is not necessarily bad. Just, you know. Tragic.

Anyway! Let’s talk about Typhoid Mary.

Mary Walker is a woman with Dissociative Identity Disorder (multiple personalities), and high-level combat skills. In the comics, she is also a mutant with mental powers. She appeared in the Daredevil comics starting in 1988.

In this original version, her personality fragmented due to childhood abuse, leading her to vow as an adult that no man would ever hurt her again. Her personalities are: Mary, who is timid and gentle; Typhoid, who is adventurous, lusty, and violent; and Bloody Mary, who is even more violent, sadistic, and hates all men.

Mary becomes romantically involved with Matt Murdock, who is cheating on his girlfriend, Karen Page, to be with her. At the same time, Typhoid is trying to ruin him, having been hired to do so by the Kingpin. Matt can’t tell they’re the same woman, because when she switches personalities all her bio signs change (voice, scent, heartbeat, etc) so much that he can’t recognize her. (Uh, sure.) She may also be using some of her mutant powers to confuse his senses. I haven’t read the comics, I’m relying here on what I could learn from the internet.

Eventually Typhoid drops him off a bridge, but then Mary finds him and gets him to a hospital, saving him. Karen is with him when he wakes up, but he breaks her heart by calling out for Mary.

This storyline...does not thrill me. As I said, I haven’t read it, but comics writing about mental illness is generally neither nuanced nor accurate, and comics writing about women circa 1988 is also not great, by today’s standards. And comics Matt’s disastrous love life is legendary—cheating on your girlfriend is bad, Matt! Don’t do it! 

I have, however, watched season 2 of Iron Fist, where we get a different version. This Mary Walker is a US army veteran, special ops, who was captured by the Sokovian military. Her personality fragmented due to the brutal abuse she received from her captors for nearly two years, until she finally escaped. She got a medical discharge from the army after being diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder.

Her personalities are: Mary, who is innocent and naive; and Walker, who is a ruthless, coolly efficient mercenary-for-hire. The existence of a third, ultraviolent personality, previously unknown to either Mary or Walker, is revealed near the end of the season. 

Mary meets and befriends Danny Rand, while Walker is hired by his enemies to stalk him, and eventually capture him so they can steal his Iron Fist powers from him. She later changes sides, getting hired to bring down Davos, the season’s main villain, by Joy Meachum, his former ally.

There are clear parallels to the Daredevil comics storyline, albeit in less extreme form—Mary befriends the hero, but isn’t romantically involved with him; her more violent personality works against him and fights him, but doesn’t try to destroy him. 

I enjoyed this version of the character more than I expected to, for a couple of reasons. For one, she is never the out of control, “crazy” stereotype of a person with mental illness. Both Mary and Walker are more-or-less functional adults, managing to live a strange hybrid life, aware of each other’s existence even though they don’t share memories.

But what I especially like is that she isn’t sexualized, at all. It’s incredibly rare, in my experience, to see a young, female antagonist opposing a male hero, and not have her be sexy. Older women are exempt from this obligation (see my list of examples above), but the young ones always vamp it up, and I am so tired of it. I am not opposed to sexy women, but I am very opposed to the requirement that all women must be sexy. (Unless they’re old.) Male antagonists aren’t required to be alluring, so why should women be? (Yes, I know why. I just don’t like it.)

There’s also a lot of potential YIKES in sexualizing a woman with a severe mental illness, which was caused by (among other things) repeated sexual violence. Could it be done in a way that isn’t super problematic? It’s possible, sure. Am I assuming that most television writers would give the subject the respect it deserves? NOPE! 

I’m really glad they chose to just not go there. Walker is extremely good at what she does, takes no shit from anyone, and (almost) never gets riled up. After everything she’s been through, nothing in her present life has the power to faze her, and none of the men around her have the power to intimidate her. It’s pretty great!

She isn’t the least bit coy or seductive, and, equally refreshing, none of the men try to sexualize her or hit on her. Everyone Walker talks to knows she is a highly skilled professional, and they treat her accordingly. Or, when someone does disrespect her, it’s never gendered as far as I can remember, and it stops as soon as she calmly states what she’s going to do to him if it doesn’t.

As for Mary, although she has a more feminine appearance than Walker (hair down and loose, makeup), she is also not sexualized. Her friendship with Danny, who is in an established relationship with Colleen Wing, is platonic, and no one else tries to hit on her that I remember.

So this is the version of Typhoid Mary that Erik Oleson was going to reboot, into a femme fatale. Only, you know. A feminist one. 

I...have some questions. What does that even mean? What does feminism mean to Erik Oleson? Let’s be real, the idea of a woman becoming an ultraviolent, sadistic man-hater as a result of sexual trauma would have been seen as feminist in some circles, back in 1988 when that version was written. So what, exactly, did he have in mind?

As I said before, sexual allure is a necessary component of a femme fatale. So she was definitely gonna be sexy. And you know now how I feel about sexy female antagonists. As for the “warped love story” part...Matt wouldn’t be cheating on Karen, since they aren’t together (please, for the love of mercy, don’t have them get together right before he meets Mary, we did that once and I do NOT want to see it again), but I am still not a fan of Matt/Mary as a couple.

Her Dissociative Identity Disorder raises some serious issues around consent, and even if the show chose to ignore that, there’s still the issue of past sexual trauma. Unless Oleson’s reworking of the character was going to include a completely different back story, a Matt/Mary relationship would mean Matt unknowingly having sex with a woman who has suffered brutal sexual abuse in her past. Not to mention, having sex with her that only one part of her personality actually wants.

Is it possible for someone with Mary’s past trauma and present mental illness to have a positive sexual relationship? In reality, of course! In the hands of writers with only a layman’s knowledge of psychology, on a show that loves to torment its hero, I wouldn’t bet on it. How do you suppose our poster boy for Catholic guilt would react when he inevitably finds out the truth?

Plus, aside from any issues around Mary herself, Matt starting a relationship with anyone other than the handful of people who already know his secret identity, means a whole new round of Matt lying to someone he cares about. Does anyone really want to see that? I know I don’t. Sure, maybe he’d tell her eventually, but how long would they have to date before he decided to trust her with the truth?

I’m not opposed to the Mary Walker from Iron Fist appearing in Daredevil, if the writers could come up with a new story for her (i.e, don’t just have her repeat all the same plot beats with Matt that she already did with Danny). But bringing her in as a femme fatale really doesn’t sit well with me. We’ve already seen Matt in an ultimately destructive relationship with a sexy, violent, morally grey woman. I really don’t want to watch Round 2: now with multiple personalities!

Of course, maybe we never will. The quote at the beginning of this post is from just a couple of weeks ago (July 25 2020), so Erik Oleson still seems to think it’s a fine idea. But obviously we don’t know yet if there will ever be a season 4, or who the show runner will be if there is. He may never get to make the story he was planning.

So yes, I realize I’m merely speculating about a completely theoretical story that may never happen. But I wanted to write this anyway. I had a strong “ugh, no” reaction to the idea of a feminist femme fatale Typhoid Mary, and I wanted to go deeper and pick apart my reasons for not liking the idea.

To the three of you who have read this all the way through to the end (this post is nearly 2000 words, yikes), thank you for indulging me! These are, as always, my own opinions, and YMMV. 

[terribletoonietuesday]

ALF Christmas Special

Time for you to all relive this painful article from last year.

Every English and American Franchise of almost everything needed to have a Christmas special in some shape or form. Its so consistent it feels like it was cultural law that mandated it or Coca Cola and The Pope would shut you down if you didn’t have one. This is proved almost certainly by the 1987 ALF Christmas Special. Originally aired as episodes 13 and 14 of season 2. Filmed oddly more cinematically then the usual episodes of the stereotypical sitcom about a short hairy wise cracking alien living with your basic American family. The film quality changes cause its filmed in many locations instead of the usual sitcom stage set. Alf is taken by his adoptive human family to a cabin in the woods to bond with the family over a traditional Christmas which of course Alf does not understand. Alf thinks Christmas is about getting presents and Perry Como TV specials and as usual eating cats. (If you don’t know the 5 season with spin off movie character and animated series character ALF this must be pretty weird on its own, I advise google who he was before reading more)

This was one of the sillier dumbed down American sitcoms for all the family of pretty much all time (until Nickelodeon started making tween sitcoms). The show does have a eerie feel to it in hind sight with the stories of the heroine addicted writer and the tragic last years and recent death of the main star Max Wright. But this special goes places you will never expect. Like an emotional roller coaster that this show has no right to have. Hold on as I ruin the special for you, that being said even if you see this coming it wont stop the bizarre emotional effect this fucking dumb show will have on this “very special” episode.

But here goes…

Alf gets in a fight on Christmas eve with his adoptive family and goes for a walk. He gets in the back of a truck of a friend of the family who drives off not knowing Alf is in the back. The friend of the family Mr Foley is played by Cleavon Little of Blazing Saddles fame. Mr Foley drives to the local hospital to deliver toys to the kids. Alf pretends to be a stuffed toy so no one realizes he is an alien. Alf is delivered to a little girl called Tiffany who is dieing of cancer. Alf befriends her and is grief stricken when he finds out this will be that little girls last Christmas. Then by wacky bad lucky as he sneaks around the hospital he gets locked in a broken down elevator with a pregnant woman going into labor. Alf puts on a surgical mask and some how the woman thinks he is just a hairy midget. Alf helps her deliver her baby just as the elevator opens and he sneaks off. But not before Alf convinces the pregnant lady to name her new child Tiffany in memory of a dieing friend. He then sneaks a ride back in Mr Foleys van but finds out Mr Foley has been hiding a secret that he is planning suicide. Mr Foley pulls up to a bridge and stands on the end. Alf comes out of the truck in a Santa hat and tells Mr Foley who he is and talks him away from the edge telling him he has more to live for as they talk about Mr Foley recently deceased wife.  Through all this Alf feels the need to return to Tiffany in her last few days.  Theeennn Alf comes with his adoptive family to bring some gifts to Tiffany on Christmas day . The family tell Tiffany to look out the window and she sees Alf waving from the car parked out side. He silently waves knowing he will never see her again. You see her looking quiet with teary eyes and see Alf waving silently also with tearing up fucking Muppet eyes. Theeeeennn the writing appears on the screen saying in memory of a girl called Tiffany who dies that year in real life as if its all fucking true. With no control over human logic and physical control you will be crying like a little baby knowing its because you see the ugly fucking Muppet called ALF with a tear in his eye. Especially when the laugh track just disappears then cue the Christmas music and a crying little girl and a puppet… and I’m crying like a fountain. God Damn it ALF!

Even that I spoiled the whole thing this stupid episode with give you more then just the heart string plucks or you are a god damn frozen stone golem.  

I'm blubbering up right now as Alf gives his speech to the Suicidal old man.

Which obnoxiously cuts right into a joke about Alf trying to slide down a chimney as if he was Santa.

No other episode will be like it… cause in general the show is fucking stupid… not like that stops me from watching it… HA!!!!   … (HA! is a thing Alf would say… oh just fucking look it up you little kids. The special is online , easily accessed on Tubitv in season 2)

Look at this final shot…..

Merry Christmas everyone… and FUCK YOU ALF!!!