#especially when those issues are actively hurting people and making a space unsafe

[hillbillyoracle]

So I saw this screencap earlier

And I thought it was a great chance to talk about something.

A lot of progressive folks are familiar with the fact that right wing circles use feminine as a derogatory term and that there's a real cost to that for women.

What people are less familiar with is how it hurts men - queer and straight, cis and trans.

And I'm not shocked given how common it is in left leaning spaces to be reactionary (read: dismissive or outright harass) when men try to talk about these what these issues look like for them.

When men talk about how they've experienced toxic masculinity and anti-feminine bias, in addition to the usual right wing responses, I'm starting to see a bunch of supposed feminists and trans/queer allies harass them as well - saying they're hurting women/feminine presenting folks by "centering men", dismissing their concerns as made up (even when there's research to back it up), "why aren't you talking about what this is like for cis and trans women instead??".

I've seen trans men accused of being TERFs or being liars (by other trans people even - wtf) when they talk about their experiences of allies actively excluding them from trans spaces or harassing them for using T4T tags. I've seen men be accused of lying about publicly accessible clinical research that shows men make up 75%-77% of suicide cases - or worse suggest they deserve it. I see posts about how men's complaints "aren't unique to them" and dismiss them because women also suffer things those authors assume are the same (even when the research contradicts this).

And here's the thing:

When you assume feminine=good/safe/gentle and masculine=bad/unsafe/enemy - you're parroting a conservative talking point.

There is no way around this fact.

A big part of what underpins child rearing being "the woman's domain" in conservatism, is the idea that men are inherently dangerous and therefore shouldn't really be around children without women present.

The reason why they blame women for abuse and rape - because they believe men are inherently dangerous and if a woman trusted them then it's her fault.

Part of why women have been effectively banned from many trades and careers for so long is the assumption that being around that many men presents an inherent danger to a woman.

"But!" you might be saying, "This person is clearly talking about men engaging in open conflict as good here!"

Yeah because conservatives see politics as an inherently male/dangerous/toxic sphere and uphold it as such.

I could go on and on really.

All of this is to say - please be more thoughtful in what you consume, comment, and reblog.

There are experiences specific to being masculine. Erasing that is one, a dick move, but two, particularly violent toward those talking about trans masculine, minority masculine, disabled masculine, and queer masculine experiences.

All privilege comes at a cost. Listening when people talk about that cost is key building a new more fair reality. Seeing the privilege is not worth the cost makes fervent allies. Want more allies? Don't be a dick to people having that realization.

Push back against the assumption of woman=good and man=bad when you see it - especially in community spaces. The amount of times I've seen domestic violence services only available to women is insane...

Do not let identarian politics blind you to the fact we're all human and working toward our own liberation should not come at the oppression of another. Believe me, those with real power would much rather you stay raging out at men in a similar class with you than directing your efforts at them.

The right wing wants you to believe it's either/or. Fuck that - it's both/and.

[detransdamnation]

A very common argument against educators keeping a student's (trans)gender identity a secret from parents is that it opens up a window for said students to be groomed because it sets a precedent that their parents or guardians are not to be trusted (at best) or that they are unsafe or abusive (at worst). To make the record very clear, I don't disagree—but I also think that the raw, unnuanced stance tends to ignore the fact that many parents are indeed untrustworthy, or unsafe, or abusive.

Many dysphoric and transgender youth grow up in abusive homes—in fact, many detransitioners, including myself, cite this as one of the main reasons on as to why they went on to develop dysphoria—and there are many parents who would use their child's dysphoria or proposed gender identity as ammo to further that abuse. I know because I was one of those children. My family was infuriated when I told them that I had dysphoria. My family discussed forcing me into clothes I was not comfortable in, activities I did not like, and heterosexual relationships I did not want with the explicit intent to "cure" me. It wasn't until the week I started my medical transition that they actually started to be a little bit okay with the thought of their child being transgender—and not because transition was something that would help me but because it would stop me from being, in their eyes, a burden on them.

My family were not emotionally safe people to know about my dysphoria, even though I was dealing with it in unhealthy ways, because they explicitly used my mental fragility against me. My home was never a safe place. Why, then, would it have been okay for my educators to—hypothetically—tell my family that I had been going by a different name within my inner circle years before my "actual" transition, all while knowing nothing about what I actually went through behind closed doors? We so often ask transgender people, "Why do you allow gender to hold so much power over you?"—but we so rarely ask ourselves, "Why do we allow nicknames and clothing"—(all gender identity and presentation is for the vast majority of these teens)—"to hold so much power over us as to justify playing tattletale, even to the extent of breaching student/counselor 'confidentiality,' to parents whose children may very well be keeping this information from them for very good reason?"

Controversial stance, though it may be—but it is through my own lifelong experience of abuse that I strongly believe that parents do not have an innate, deserved right to know anything and everything about their child just by virtue of being their parents. We cannot acknowledge the rates of abuse that dysphoric youth so often face whilst also conveniently forgetting in these such discussions that most abuse, in most cases, is perpetrated by immediate family members, especially parents, thus rendering these people potentially unsafe people to tell. Either way, these teenagers are hurting—and we can either bite our tongues and create a space where they feel they can safely work through that pain, or we can make their suffrage a political "parental rights" issue, very possibly causing even more suffrage inadvertently and further encouraging them to suffer alone, in silence, or in unhealthy echo chambers.

We must talk about the ways in which dysphoric youth are vulnerable. In doing so, we must also address the fact that danger most often comes from within the home.

[starlight-edith]

When I was five, I visited a church for the first time in memory. They wanted me to carry candles down the isle.

When I was 7 I attended one of the first legal gay marriages in my state.

Although my parents regularly profess liberal values, they regularly contradict them by use of slurs and love for offensive “humor.” This sentiment permeated my young mind, making me full of hatred and misunderstanding for those who couldn’t “take a joke”

My parents weren’t Christian, but everyone else around me was. They constantly bragged of how loved they felt by their community.

When I was 11 I went to a Spanish mission on a field trip. I prayed to God to please help me in my burdens, but nothing happened.

When I was twelve I tried to read the Bible, to feel God’s supposed love. It was too wordy and I gave up.

Later that year I met a boy. He felt betrayed by God and spoke ill of Him often. He opened me to the world of skepticism and true liberal values, but it would be years before I accepted them.

When I was 13 I met a girl. She became my world.

I realized I had feelings for her, and brought up the subject gently. She returned those feelings.

We started dating soon after.

All was going well, until we ran into an issue.

She was Christian, Russian Orthodox or Catholic most likely. She told me regularly that I would burn in hell if I didn’t repent my sin and accept Jesus.

I tried to tell her that such a thing was ridiculous given she was doing the same damn thing but apparently it was fine on her end because she “accepted Jesus into her heart”

Later that year I joined GSA (a safe space for LGBTQIA students on campus). On my very first day attending a boy ran past the door, screaming:

“FAGGOTS!!!!”

The teacher ran after him, but I never felt safe there after that and stopped attending.

Due to this reaction from everyone around me, I felt extremely unsafe, both at home, school, and with the girl who was supposed to love me.

That girl committed more “sins” than I have time to share, but she still felt the need to cast SEVERAL stones my way.

I left her after one final “you’re going to hell for being a faggot” speech.

But the damage had been done.

I was damaged goods. I became reclusive. I read the Bible as much as possible but I still didn’t feel loved. I felt disgusting every time I felt any sort of attraction, especially of a sexual nature.

Every time I did, I punished myself.

I started covering my hair. I covered as much of my body as I could.

Eventually I realized I was forever broken. There was nothing I could do.

I gave up. I had already taken up self harm but now I was actively planning my own suicide. Might as well get on with it if I’m going to burn anyway.

I tried so damn hard

So hard to not be broken

Eventually, after a complete mental break, I became numb to the issue.

I started healing.

But I’m still broken. I’m still hurting. I’m still a fucking faggot that’s going to burn in hell. And I’m still trying to find the fucking God that just stood by and let me hate myself. Let me hurt myself. The same God responsible for millions of deaths of those just like me. Those who refused to convert. Those “God’s Servants” deemed unworthy of life.t

So fuck you if you think you can just go around using slurs that have quite literally been the catalyst to millions of peoples deaths. Fuck you if you think that your God hasn’t been the reason for so much unnecessary death and suffering.

Fuck you if you think you or your “god” have the right to judge and kill, to commit GENOCIDE because of some stupid fucking words written by people who lived hundreds of years ago and didn’t even fucking know that you should wash your hands before doing surgery.

Fuck you. Fuck all of you.

If you can know how much fucking HARM this has done and still do it because it’s “fun” and you’ve “reclaimed” it and whatever bullshit, then I can’t help you.

I can’t help you if you refuse to see how fucking traumatizing this shit is.

I can’t help you if you think it’s okay to ignore that harm and continue on doing what you’re doing after being begged multiple times to stop.

If you know our history and still take this shit so lightly, I can’t help you.

I know slurs have been reclaimed, but that doesn’t change the fact that they’re still extremely harmful. Queer is no longer used to oppress people to my knowledge, but the word faggot very much is, that’s the difference. If people started using the word queer as a way to justify fucking killing me, I’d stop using it IMMEDIATELY

Don’t fucking erase our trauma just because you want to fuck around with your friends.

[healingheartdogs]

Sometimes “drama” is not actually drama. Sometimes it’s marginalized and abused people taking a stance against something harmful. The other side of that calls it “drama” and really wants you to see it as just “drama” so they can discredit the position of the marginalized and abused and make those people look like they are overreacting, when in actuality the marginalized and abused people are being reasonably defensive in the interest of their own safety and the safety of others like them. Nothing is ever just “drama” when it involves discussions of legitimate bigotry and human rights, and calling it such is a take I see almost exclusively from white people with some form of privilege. Just some food for thought.

[one-abuse-survivor]

This might be a weird question, but is it normal for one person to go off on/lecture the other over small things in a romantic relationship?

Yesterday, I was telling my dad that I wanted to dye my hair, and he told me he would ask my mom. Today, he told me that he asked her, and she “exploded like a cat whose tail had been stepped on.”

He said that she just went off on him, going on and on about why it was a terrible idea. She didn’t stop there, though. She went on to lecture him for one incident, days ago, where he had told me that I didn’t have to eat a fruit after dinner (I was not hungry, but my mom would not stop harassing me over it). She basically told him that it was all his fault that I was not eating fruit anymore (I was, for the record, still eating fruit; I just had no appetite, so I was “only” eating two or three fruits a day).

When I asked my dad about this, he said that all romantic partners have flaws, so even if he had not married her, someone else would have had different flaws, just like how both he and my mom had their own flaws.

But it seems to my that the way my mom acts is a little extreme—she lectures my dad and me very often, and she always invalidates both our emotions. Both of us have some issues with falling asleep, and she’s always lecturing us for not listening to her and trying whatever “technique” she has. The thing is, though, that she starts acting all annoyed when we don’t do exactly what she says, even if what she says only makes things worse. She’s had an interest in spirituality, which is fine, but then she starts scolding us for not going by whatever she says.

A while back, we all got COVID, and she started getting mad at him for something and talking about how she needs to express her feelings. When it’s him, though, he apparently needs to just “change” his anger. He needs to just stop being worried.

Sometimes, she will even get mad at me for something, not because I did anything wrong, but because she was in a bad mood, and my dad will agree with her. Later, though, when I ask him, he tells me that he doesn’t really agree; he just didn’t want her on his case. I can’t even blame him because I do the same thing (my mom badmouths my dad a lot to me, and me a lot to my dad, and gets mad if we don’t agree with her).

My dad even helps me keep secrets from her—not about big things, but about little things that we both know will set her off (we dared to eat ice cream; I bought a shirt WITH MY OWN MONEY that was not on sale; other small things).

He even got her a new car for her anniversary, complete with a red ribbon, and while she was super happy, she later started joking about how it was the wrong color. He did so much, and this is how she reacts?

Is the way my mom acts really such a normal thing in romantic relationships (or parent/child relationships, for that matter)? I’ve never been in romantic relationship, and my only other examples of romance are my aunt and uncle, who constant have screaming matches and passive aggression so obvious even I can pick up on it, and my grandparents, who were in an arranged marriage. I just don’t know who to ask.

Is it selfish if I don’t think I want to experience this? I hate my mom’s lecturing as is—sometimes it hurts bad enough to make me want to S/H. I don’t think I could take it from a romantic partner, to. Does this make me a bad person?

I don’t think that’s selfish at all, nonnie. You’re not a bad person for not wanting to put up with a potential partner who will treat you like this. In fact, I’d be concerned if you said you did want to experience something like this in a romantic relationship, because a lot of your mom’s behaviours are red flags of abuse, both toward you and your dad.

Constant lecturing and accusations, controlling and criticising everything your partner does to the point where they have to keep secrets from you to avoid your reaction, and “exploding” with minor or unimportant things and pretending like your emotions justify those explosions while also getting mad if your partner disagrees with you or expresses their emotions in any way, are all red flags of emotionally abusive behaviour. So is thinking that people should always do what you think is best for them, and getting mad when they don’t. So is badmouthing victims to one another and reacting badly if they don’t agree with you. Here’s a post I think might help better understand which of your mom’s behaviours are not okay toward either of you.

Now, regarding your doubts about what’s normal in a healthy relationship. There’s some truth in what youd dad said about all partners having flaws, although I don’t know if “flaws” is the word I’d personally use. We all have things going on in our lives; be it mental health issues, financial issues, disabilities, bad relationships with family members, or literally anything else a person can go through: questioning parts of their identity (sexuality, gender, religion...), struggling with studying and/or work, wanting to give up a bad habit... being nitpicky with food or thriving in messy spaces... There’s no such thing as a partner who won’t have something going on in their life. If you’re in a relationship there will be moments when your and their needs clash or are incompatible, and you won’t be able to be the person the other needs in that moment. And if you’re in a relationship, you’re going to have to face many of these battles together, and put effort into seeing them through as a team.

But there’s a difference between the commitment to someone else’s struggles that comes with any close (not necessarily romantic) relationship, and justifying your partner’s mistreatment toward you because “that’s just how everyone is in one way or another, so I might just as well settle for this.” That is, in fact, something many abuse victims say when their abusive partner has normalised and justified their behaviours over and over again. 

I’ve been in a relationship for over six years now. That’s double the time I’ve been out of my abuser’s house and in recovery, so as you can imagine, my girlfriend has been very involved in this aspect of my life and has been there with me through many tough moments. And I’ve been there through her struggle with mental illness, too. And we were there for each other as we figured out part of our identities, and while we worried over exams, and a long list of things that have come up throughout the years and will continue to come up. And yeah, sometimes I feel really overwhelmed by the idea of cooking and she offers to do it for both of us to take care of me, and sometimes she hands me her money so I can pay for the things she wants to buy because she’s too overwhelmed to interact with strangers; and sometimes both of us are having an overwhelming day and we can’t help one another and it all sucks a bit more than usual. But we never demand that the other be there for us if the other can’t do that. We don’t demand that the other prioritise our needs to their own. And yeah, sometimes we can get angry because bad days exist and sometimes everything is too frustrating to handle; but when this happens, we just say, “hey, I’m angry/grumpy/frustrated/stressed out today, I need space or to be alone, please don’t touch me or talk to me for a while” and we establish boundaries and express our needs and emotions as openly as we can. Without being accusatory or demanding. Because you can be mad at someone, or having a bad day around someone, and still actively want to take steps to avoid hurting them. And someone can be mad at you, or having a terrible day around you, and still take steps to make you feel safe and respected. 

And, nonnie, the bad days shouldn’t make you feel like you’re only staying with that person because “no one will treat me better than this”. You shouldn’t have to wonder whether the good moments make up for the bad ones, because the bad ones shouldn’t leave you feeling miserable and unsafe. You shouldn’t have to constantly worry about everything you say or do making your partner explode. It’s one thing to take your partner’s struggles and boundaries into consideration and do things that will help them feel better, and another to walk on eggshells around them for fear of their reactions. And if staying in your relationship feels like you’re “settling with one person’s flaws so you don’t have to deal with someone else’s equally bad flaws”, then chances are you’d be better off without that person in your life, because romantic relationships (which, by the way, are not a mandatory part of life whatsoever) should bring good things to your life, not feel like a task or a burden. And if they feel like that, it’s completely okay to break up, even if you have kids. Especially if you have kids that are suffering that abusive situation as well.

I hope some of this helps! If you have more questions I’ll be more than happy to answer them. Sending support your way ❤

[foundthe8wing]

Okay, doing this over here because my main tumblr is usually a place for me to vibe and I don’t want all the bullshit tied to that account, but basically: I’m really angry and disappointed with the dndads cast for how they’ve put a lot of the minors in their fanbase in danger. Everything below is a repost from twitter (with permission from the OP, crypticjoy), and I’ll link the thread in a reblog. 

Under a cut because it’s long and potentially triggering (content warnings for grooming, sexualizing minors, and sexual assault)

[OP tagged the relevant cast accounts; I added slashes here bc I’m not sure if those same urls exist on tumblr and I don’t want to be randomly tagging people over here]

5:49 PM Sep 5, 2020

“I don’t usually do this, but: the way that the cast of @/dungeonsanddads engages with their audience is actively dangerous to minors, and they need to get it together. (cw for discussion of grooming, sexualizing minors, sexual assault)

First off, there are some iffy jokes and situations in the podcast itself. I’m not going to get into all of it right here, but have a google doc: [doc will also be linked in reblog]

Yes, the kids in #dndads are fictional, but that doesn’t mean this stuff doesn’t affect real kids listening. a. it normalizes talking/joking about kids in that way and b. There’s a lot of inconsistancy and confusion on the lines they draw--

Paeden saying “baby” is weird but Ron sitting in Terry Jr’s lap isn’t? I’m confused. You know who the fuck relies on that type of confusion and unclarity? Fucking predators

And I’m not saying every in-character decision has to be perfectly moral or acceptable, but the way the cast, out of character, discuss what’s weird and what’s not sends a lot of mixed messages. And that’s legitimately dangerous.

So then you take all of this, and you add a patron discord server that lets nsfw discussions run virtually unchecked--you create a fandom space that allows adults to discuss kinks, and porn searches, and just, all this other stuff, with teenagers...

... and it becomes a breeding ground for grooming and abuse.

The creators aren’t responsible for babysitting their fanbase or for how people engage with their content outside of their spaces (though, again, I’d urge them to be very careful about what kind of messages they’re sending)

But  they ARE responsible for taking basic steps to keep the spaces that THEY create and engage with safe.

“But the rules for the server say 18+!” The rules say you have to be 18 *or have parental permission.* They also say to keep things PG-13. That’s vastly different than establishing something as an adult-only/nsfw space.

“Minors shouldn’t be joining/listening anyway!” The cast can’t control who listens and neither can I, but there’s a difference between knowing teens are listening to you discuss sex with your adult friends vs facilitating conversations between teens and adults on those topics.

“If people are uncomfortable they can just leave.” First off, this situation isn’t just uncomfortable, it’s unSAFE. Second: fuck that. It’s not on minors to set and maintain boundaries about this stuff; a lot of them literally do not know how

Not because they’re stupid, but because they’re young and inexperienced. It’s the responsibility of adults to set and enforce healthy boundaries around sexual discussions, and this particular group of adults has done a fucking terrible job

(Maybe don’t encourage listeners to DM you about kinks! Maybe especially don’t do that when you’ve communicated, intentionally or not, that making and escalating sexual jokes is a really good way to get a reaction from you guys)

I get that they didn’t expect to have so many young listeners, but to be aware of that fact and make no adjustments whatsoever is irresponsible and it WILL lead to someone getting hurt. Does their “young, thirsty, female” audience only exist to them when they can laugh about it?

And let’s be absolutely 1000% clear: this isn’t an issue they’re unaware of. The stuff I’m talking about is an ongoing problem with how their server is run, but it came to a head with one specific situation very recently:

They released a bonus, patron-exclusive episode about the dads taking the bdsm test. Given the general state of the server, I was worried about where those discussions might lead, so before it dropped, I reached out to @/anthony_burch to express my concern

He told me he raised the issue with @/fwong and Ashley, meaning at least three members of the dndads team were aware of the situation, and decided it didn’t warrant any type of preemptive action on their part

(alternatively, it means Anthony lied, which would be a whole separate issue)

[Image ID: a discord DM conversation from Sep 1, 2020, between a crossed out username and reverendanthony. It reads: 

OP: heyyyyy have you guys considered that releasing an episode focused on the bdsm test is almost inevitably going to lead to a bunch of 15 year olds sharing their results in your server because you might want to get ahead of that before someone gets hurt

reverendanthony: oh holy shit, really good idea

OP: thanks, I know it's easy to veer into that territory just because of the nature of your show but I wanted to bring it to your attention because I figured you don't want to create a situation that's like, actively dangerous (and for the record I'm willing to discuss what I think would make it safer but I'm also not going to assume you want/need my input, obviously you can handle it however you see fit)

reverendanthony: No, thank you for bring it up, I really appreciate it -- I just raised the issue with Freddie and Ashley

OP: Good to know, thank you /End ID]

I’m not overreacting. I have seen this shit happen, to my friends and to myself, and watching the dndads cast take absolutely no meaningful action to prevent situations like that from occurring directly under their noses makes me fucking livid

I can guarantee that the #dungeonsanddaddies fanbase includes both predators and survivors of abuse, grooming, etc (including those currently living through it), and I need them to think very, very hard about which group they’re prioritizing.

And I need that choice to be evident through more than just their words, because it doesn’t fucking matter how much you “really appreciate” that I brought up my concerns if you do fuck-all to address them.

It doesn’t matter how many times you say the word “consent” if apparently everyone was okay that “Darryl gets sexually assaulted” was almost a plot point played for laughs.

(His dare from Scam  would have been rape, straight up. Just because no one said the word doesn’t mean it wasn’t coercive and gross).

I’d like to think the @/dungeonsanddads cast isn’t intentionally encouraging abuse, but they’re sure as hell enabling it, and they needed to get their shit together ages ago, because they’re not the ones their negligence hurts.”

Quote retweet by OP 6:51 PM Sep 7, 2020

“So, they updated the rules for the patron server, but I want to be really clear that from my perspective, it’s way too little, way too late. 

The new rules don’t adequately address the core issues and they certainly don’t absolve the cast of the harm they’ve already caused. 

[Tweet includes 2 screenshots: one of a bot asking people to click thumbs up to confirm they’re 18+ (or have a parent’s permission) and agree to the rules, and one that includes two of the rules. It reads: 

“This is an 18+ space. Them’s the rules: per Patreon’s policy, you must be 18+ or have parental permission.

Use language as if you’re at your parents dinner table. Don’t get people in trouble because of your SPICY POSTS. Keep conversation polite. NSFW content is not allowed!”]

(and before anyone says I should bring up my concerns privately, a quick refresher on how well that went last time I did it:) 

[links back to the “(alternatively, it means Anthony lied . . .)” tweet from the original thread]

So hey, @/fwong, some thoughts:

1.The rules are vague and unclear: what /exactly/ do you mean when you say “NSFW content is not allowed!” when the content of your show itself is so often nsfw? And how are you planning to enforce this?

Does it mean you’ll shut down the MBIC conversation that is literally just kink discussion? I need you to be clear on where the line is, because, again, predators rely on that confusion. Don’t give them a gray area to play in. 

For an example of a more clear policy, it’s pretty easy to say, “yep, ‘Henry gets pegged’ sure is a sentence we said on our show and you don’t have to pretend it’s not, but if you’d like to discuss it in any more detail at all, you need to move”

2. Remember how I said I needed to be clear on whether you’re prioritizing survivors or predators? While I doubt it was intentional, the language you’re using here is prioritizing predators.

It’s not “don’t get people in trouble,” it’s “don’t make people uncomfortable.” It’s “we all have a responsibility to make sure this space is safe for everyone, especially the younger members of the community.”

You’re setting people up to be afraid of expressing concerns for fear of “getting people in trouble” or “inciting unnecessary drama.” Even if it’s not what YOU meant, it’s very easy for those words to be manipulated, so +

You absolutely have to be explicitly clear that if someone expresses their discomfort, you’ve got their back. Being safe is more important than being polite. 

3. I need every cast member to take responsibility for their own actions. I’ve gotten no indication from any of you that you understand the ways in which the in-show things I brought up were harmful.

Acknowledging that harm is important not just because of the immediate effects of that content, but also because it implicitly sets an example for how similar complaints should be dealt with going forward.

When someone says “hey, I was uncomfortable that you seem fine with the Glennary ship, because she reads as very young to me,” I don’t need a dissertation on how the perception of characters can evolve due to your improvisational nature

I need to hear “oh, I interpreted her differently, but you’re right, we should have been more clear, and I’m sorry for making you uncomfortable.” Because your responses to your own mistakes set the tone for any other situations like that going forward.

How comfortable is someone going to be with coming to you, or Ash, or any of the mods about someone making them uncomfortable if they’ve seen that when people call YOU out, they’re argued with and shut down?

Don’t tell people you’ve “made it clear that you won’t go there” when they tell you that you ARE there. Listen to them and do better. 

Set the expectation that people will be respected when they raise their concerns. “If you want to come at me you have to bring the heat” is not an appropriate response on a subject that made people genuinely uncomfortable. 

In essence: set people up to be supported and protected, not dismissed. 

[It’s like a matriosche of tweets over here. This one links to another thread, also by crypticjoy. That thread reads:

A non-comprehensive guide to keeping discord servers safe for minors:

1. Make designated channels for nsfw/18+ discussion. Generally speaking, this is a lot more effective than banning those discussions altogether, because it’s a lot easier to say “hey, can you move this conversation?” than “hey, I need you to stop”

In fandom spaces, it’s usually a good idea to have separate channels for talking about nsfw fiction vs discussing your personal sex lives.

2. Give everyone minor/adult roles; make sure your 18+ channels are locked to people who don’t have an adult role. It’s important that there’s more of a barrier there than just checking a box.

3. NSFW channels shouldn’t necessarily be a free-for-all; be aware of people’s boundaries and respect them (for example, r*pe jokes aren’t funny or okay, even if you’re not making them around kids)

4. Explicitly state in your rules that people should feel free to come to mods if anyone is making them uncomfortable. Actually listen to people and resolve the situation if they do approach you.

5. Make it clear that creepy behavior via DMs or other means is also not tolerated--you can’t control what people do outside your server, but you can make the choice to not allow people like that in your space

6. Make sure mods are on top of things BEFORE people have to say anything; sometimes being a mod means being willing to be the “asshole” who shuts things down before they get out of hand, even if they’re not asked.

Be generally aware of signals that people are uncomfortable or that things are escalating too far, and address those situations sooner rather than later.

*It should be noted that safety involves a lot of components beyond just containing nsfw discussions; this thread just happens to be focused on that one specific element.

oh also! It's a good idea to provide resources on grooming so people know what to look out for [links to some resources; again, this’ll be in the reblog]]

So, @/dungeonsanddads, if you’re interested in anything beyond just having a flimsy excuse you can point to to cover your own ass, I’m gonna need you to try again.

Sorry I can’t be nicer about it, but I’ve given so many benefits of the doubt I could be running a successful charity, and this isn’t an issue I’m willing to drop. 

10:02 PM

Thought I was done but actually I've got a few more questions: to what extent were @/HeyBethMay, @/WillBCampos, and @/mattLarnold included in conversations about this issue/the new rules? Is this something your whole team is involved in?

Have you discussed what you're doing on a team and individual basis to keep your fan interactions safe, and are you on the same page about how much it matters? Are you holding each other accountable? Is everyone okay with where this ended up?”

[shades-of-grayro]

Don't take out your frustration on new people trying to figure their stuff out. Instead of blasting the other user's opinion, -as misinformed as it was- because they didn't seem to be doing it with bad intentions or malice- to everyone who sees your blog, you could've made a reply clarifying without putting the blog on blast. Do better. Don't be an unsafe space for healthy discussion.

I would have loved to use the reply feature for exactly that reason, but unfortunately Tumblr does not let me reply from this blog. So, if you have any other suggestions, I'd be glad to hear them, but that one doesn't work. Tumblr sucks, I know.

I try to mitigate the impact of this flaw of Tumblr as much as possible, but my policy is that I do not leave bigoted comments unchallenged on my posts. Specifically because comments like those make our community an unsafe place for others (including myself). I reply or I delete. I debated deleting those comments, but I judged them to be potentially well meaning (it really was not clear at all from either person's first comment - second person seemed more clearly well-meaning on the *second* comment), so I responded to give those individuals the chance to learn how to do better. Could I have been gentler? Sure. But I am just so fed up with that kind of sentiment in our community, and it didn't happen.

I specifically offered to delete all of those posts if the commenter was okay with me also deleting their comments because I recognize what you mention as a problem. The commenter's response did not include a request to do so, so I did not. (That offer still stands, btw). One thing I didn't do which I probably should have was request that people not reblog that version of the post, and I apologize for not thinking of that at the time. I will make a point to do that in the future.

I also use the tag "#intracommunity issues" so that my followers who do not want to see those kinds of posts do not have to. And I do not promote or condone a blog culture of having my followers pile on (hence why one of my problems with that commenter was that they were responding to something I already addressed). This problem is one I've thought through, and that was the best solution I had to it at the time. I'm also, again, happy to hear more suggestions if you have them, but the reply feature is a no-go.

I do want to be abundantly clear: "new people trying to figure their stuff out" don't have a free pass on saying things that harm others. Gatekeeping based on attraction is something I find to be hurtful to me personally, and while I generally try to have those kind of conversations gently, it doesn't happen all the time. If a newbie is actively making a space unsafe *for me*, that's already "an unsafe space for healthy discussion"!

Lastly, while the standards you are expecting me to live up to are actually ones I aspire to, it is also not appropriate to tone police. Conversing gently with people who do things that hurt you is something to personally aspire to, not something to demand of others when they respond harshly to something that hurt them. (Especially given that I don't have masses of followers who are likely to do harm, like some people on the internet do.) That personal aspiration has to go *hand in hand* with doing your best to listen to people even when they're at their last straw and being a bit harsher, otherwise it's just another tool to cause harm. I'm not overly bothered by this, but it's something to keep in mind for your interactions with others.

ETA: I also define "well-meaning" to be not rigidly holding bigoted opinions. People can see their intent as positive while causing harm (most people do when they cause harm, no matter how abhorrent) - I do not consider this to be well-meaning (i.e. more deserving of an understanding response) unless it is accompanied by willingness to see the harm they caused and try to fix it. The view the second commenter expressed in their first comment is one that is often held quite rigidly, so I am very hesitant with assuming someone is well-meaning when they say things like that.

[isocrime]

okay so this may just be me assuming - but you generally write top!tony in ults and top!steve in 616 so i was wondering how you would see the flipside come out in both those verses i.e. top!steve in ults and top!tony in 616. do you think (based on your preferences/characterisation) that the former is more natural/preferable/interesting for you to write, or is it just whatever suits the idea you have? curious because you seem a lot more lax re the top/bottom discourse that stevetony is cursed w/

I’ll write either tony and steve topping/bottoming (meaning who’s in the driver’s seat, not who’s pitching/catching) either way depending on what suits the story, but I do definitely have preferences!

For ults, I do indeed tend to write top!tony/bottom!steve I like that dynamic a lot. Steve is so stiff and repressed, desperate for human intimacy and afraid to ask for it. I want to watch him release that and let his walls down, but in a sexy way. Also, Big Buff Sub is one of my kinks, and ults Steve is the biggest and buffest. Tony knows he doesn’t have to hold back, because Steve is superhuman — he can do things he’s fantasized about that would be too unsafe to do with a normal person. Meanwhile Steve could throw Tony off so so easily, but he allows it, even when it makes him squirm with humiliation, which is some intense, sexy submission. Plus he hates himself for wanting it; it means he’s not a real man. He’s not just gay, he’s gay AND he loves to be called a slut and take it up the ass. All the tension and denial!

For top!tony in ults it’s like — he’s such a hedonist and a maximalist (I love his stupid ornate bedroom and his four-poster bed), so I can really imagine him wanting to own Steve for himself and get to do whatever he wants. He lives his social life playing games and obfuscating the truth, wearing these different personas that are all exaggerated and campy and flirty, which makes me think he’d be really good at making the theatrical parts of kink feel real and hot instead of kind of awkward and made up. Tony commits to the bit and doesn’t care if he looks silly — he’s confident he can pull it off so he does. So you have Tony, who’s incredibly deft and motivated and greedy and powerful, and pair him with Steve — clumsy and earnest and so so so needy underneath all the ways he’s denying it — and it’s just delicious.

Then there’s 616, where I like to read things a little differently. Tony is so tightly wound in 616 I want him to let go and let himself have something nice that he doesn’t have to obsess over and make all the choices perfectly or else everything will go wrong forever. Tony needs to turn off his brain and let someone else be in charge. Additionally when Steve and tony are really fucked up and bad for each other (weirdly, I don’t have dysfunctional headcanons about ults steve/tony. i write them as a mess while they’re getting together but long-term I think they do pretty well) I think Tony wants to make up for all the things he feels guilty about, and having Steve fuck him and hurt him and tell him what to do makes him feel better.

Steve, meanwhile, is so earnest and confident and he loves to lead well, so I headcanon that he would find it really natural and satisfying to take charge in bed. I think also all the natural strength and body control makes Steve generally hot as a top. He can really properly overpower anyone and do exactly what he wants to them if he decides to. Hot hot hot. Less healthily, I think Steve yearns to get Tony under control and topping is a way for him to live that fantasy. When Tony submits to Steve, he stops pushing back and doing manipulative shit that drives Steve up the wall. Sometimes Steve just wants to grab Tony and shake him, and kinky sex lets him take some of that frustration out on Tony.  At their most functional, Steve wants to care for Tony and help him be the best version of himself. At their most dysfunctional, Steve wants to punish Tony and force him to do what Steve thinks is the right thing to do.

So, how would I do them the opposite way around? (I am aware this is already super long, I have feelings on this subject apparnently!) For bottom!tony in ults, I think he’d love the game parts of it. There’s a reason kink is called play, and Tony’s all about pretending. Like 616 tony, he’s very tightly wound and could stand to be taken out of his head and given a space where he’s free from responsibility. There’s grief and lousy pain he wants to forget, and Steve is really hot and he wants it, he wants to indulge in something a little taboo that he can make into a joke afterwards, haha you plowed me good, being crude to cover up how much he liked it. (I’m realizing that I tend figure out the dynamic starting from the character who’s bottoming.  Huh — start with what you know I guess!)

Ults Steve as a top is sort of volatile and inexperienced, which makes being helpless around him is sort of risky, and I bet Tony would eat that up. The possibility that it could be a disaster — that he could cause his partner to lose control and get more intense than expected — is titillating.  I think ults Steve wants terribly strongly. And if Tony is the thing he wants, especially if the thing he wants to do to Tony is hurt him, which is a kinky and perverted and bad want to have, Steve would torture himself with guilt and denial and desperate, pent-up lust. Repressed yearning for DAYS. And when Steve snaps and fucks tony the way he wants to, it’s hot and perfect and Steve hates himself for loving it and the more he hates himself the more he’s fucking desperate for it, this thing that’s wrong, he’s not supposed to want to hurt anyone, he’s a good man but he looks at Tony and he wants to take him and leave him wrecked and gorgeous and bleeding.

I actually have an ults sub!tony one-shot on the to-write list, so this is useful brainstorming!  For 616 I don’t have anything planned, but it’s fun to think about how top!tony/bottom!steve would work.

Healthy bottom!steve in 616 is full of love and adoration. He’s given his life to helping people, and I think he’d bring that into the bedroom, this intense desire to serve and give the person he’s in love with all of their favorite things. When everything’s not filled with angst, Steve is a super super sweet sub, eager and earnest and pretty good at communicating what he likes once he gets the hang of it. Also, serum-enhanced cock: Tony can order him to come over and over again, or he can edge him forever and torture him with overstimulation and all of that is hot. Dysfunctional bottom!steve is more like “you betrayed me, you used me, I hate you — do it again.”

Top!tony in 616 has taken his control issues and turned them outward, so instead of wanting to let go instead he loves to orchestrate sex just like he likes to orchestrate solutions to world problems. Plus he’s got the same generosity that Steve has, so he likes being able to give his partner what they want in bed and set things up perfectly so they can feel nice. He brings his natural suave composure to topping, but it’s cut with a sort of soft wonder that Steve’s trusting him with this because his self-esteem is garbage and he can’t possibly deserve someone as good as Steve submitting to him. Then when things are not so pleasant between them, tony uses sex to punish both Steve and himself, taking the thing he wants and beating himself up with it afterwards. He’s addicted to Steve and doesn’t care what’s good for them, he’s going to actively ruin it all.

Obviously some of these elements can be applied to both universes (Steve is always big and buff, yum). There’s a lot of juicy stuff to explore with either top!tony or top!steve, which is why I like both types of fic! The thing that really decides if I like a fic or not is how well the characterization is done and how well it explores a facet of Steve and Tony’s personalities.

I do get a bit bristly about a certain type bottom!tony fic, and about some bottom!pre-serum Steve fic (though the latter isn’t very common in comics universes), but that’s mostly because I find it really infuriating when a fic takes all the agency away from the bottom and replaces their personality with “eager-to-please horny bimbo who’s all weak and fragile.” I’m a contrarian, too, and since there’s more top!steve than top!tony (a quick ao3 tag search gives about a 2:1 ratio for top!steve:top!tony), I like writing the latter. Otherwise, I aspire to be cool, even though I have my favorite dynamics. I love me a wide variety of kinky smut -- the discourse is exhausting and i have bascially infinite salt about how dumb it is.

[thedreadvampy]

(just to clear it up, tho ik this is dumb but, the pan thing wasn’t intended to be provocatory, i just recently saw other things and lots of,, panphobia happening within the mechs fanbase and am trying to gauge how safe myself and any of my friends who are pan are within that fanbase, both online and in person. that’s all! im sorry for any weirdness or stress, I should’ve thought that through, things get weird online, not an excuse just— sorry)

I appreciate the apology/clarification. Hopefully this whole conversation has helped you make a decision about whether this is a space you feel safe. HOWEVER (and I know you know this which is why you've got back in touch) it would have been useful to have some context for that in the ask, and even with that context

I. Hm. I'm not sure how to put this without coming across as a bit of a dick? To me it feels like a lot to be, uhhh, value tested? effectively at random (I literally haven't been part of a single conversation about pan/bi IDs in the Mechs fandom that I can recall prior to this) in order to assess whether I met the standards you, somebody I do not know and may or may not have interacted with, have set (and I don't know what those standards are! there are, as I said, people from all over the Discourse Spectrum who would consider any given answer to that question hurtful/offensive!)

so while I appreciate that your intentions are good and self-protective and I am not trying to have a go at you, it's a bit chunk of emotional work to dump an extremely live, open-ended question on someone randomly (especially in an online climate where, as you say, people can be real weird and intense about stuff and giving the Wrong Answer to the wrong person can open you up to a lot of harassment). It invites a lot of anxiety (oh no have I said something to hurt someone? why has this been sent to me personally? what DO I think about this? what are the consequences if I have an answer you don't like, or an answer you might agree with but I phrase it poorly and dig myself in deeper? what effect will answering this ask have on other people following me - will they be hurt by what I say? if I don't answer will that be seen as evidence that I Can't Be Trusted?) and like...ok I DO have CPTSD and anxiety so I'm probably overthinking a bit more than you might reasonably have expected, but I do think it's a lot to put on someone to drag them into Discourse they aren't already involved in.

Also like this specific situation you're describing feels......hm...very impersonal? Like, I'm entirely willing to get drawn into Discourse about something I've Actually Done. like I didn't have FUN when I sparked White Jon Discourse but I don't resent it - it was a meaningful reaction to something I had said and not really thought about, and there was something for me to change in that. If I'd made a post that had made you think I might have an active issue with pan people, that would be one thing, but to ask me to pass a purity test because OTHER PEOPLE SOMEWHERE ELSE did something hurtful? That's not...about me? That's, not to put too fine a point on it, Not My Problem. This is where I'm concerned I come across as a dick, but honestly to me there's a really big gulf between "something I saw on your blog worried me so can you clarify your position" and "somebody somewhere is bigoted so I'm going to need you to prove you're not." Especially coming from an anonymous source with no context (and I do understand why you anonymised it! If you're worried about feeling safe then I totally get the need to do this in a way that doesn't come back to you!) there's a real responsibility gap - I am responsible for answering to you, a stranger, because of a situation I haven't (to my knowledge) been involved in? There's nothing for me to do, change, learn or gain in there, it's entirely about you testing me for reasons that have very little to do with me, and idk that sits really poorly with me. I would prefer that it had been about something careless I said that was harmful, because at least then I would have been able to do something about it. I WANT to be questioned and called up on things I assert or stuff I do. But I am NOT responsible for others' actions or opinions. I am sorry that you feel unsafe in the Mechs fandom, that's awful. But the reality is that I don't have any responsibility for your experience of The Mechs Fandom - I have responsibility for my own actions and opinions and nothing else, and if there's something in my actions or opinions, however small, pinging alarm bells then yeah, talk to me about it, ask me about it. But if it's a concern you have about the environment we're both moving through (I really don't engage much with fandom beyond what's on here) then like...we can talk about it but it's YOUR concern. I don't have any obligation to answer for it because it's not mine? Does that make sense? I don't mean to imply that you feeling safe isn't important, because it definitely is - it's just that when deciding who specifically is someone you feel safe around, the onus is on you. You're the person who knows what's harmful to you, you're the person who is being affected - asking for support, information or behaviour change is fine, but you're not entitled to demand that everyone around you actively accommodates you. When you come to somebody to change or to help support you, that's totally fair IF IT'S ABOUT THEM. If you messaged me and said "some of what you've been posting seems to tap into X ideas and there's been a lot of people in Mechs fandom throwing those ideas around lately, what's the deal there" then that would be fair enough and a lot less overwhelming than turning up in a random inbox to yell "QUICK WHAT'S YOUR STANCE ON PANSEXUALITY", you know? I still wouldn't be obligated to respond but I could reasonably be expected to connect it to things that are My Problem (how do I act in Mechs fandom? What opinions do my posts imply, and do I stand by that?) and make a decision about whether/how to respond. To me it's about working with vs imposing on.

Idk sorry this is a very long and emotional response, this kind of stuff taps into some emotional baggage for me via a vis taking on responsibility for the world and I'm working hard to establish boundaries in myself between My Problem and Other People's Problem, but really it's a bit dense and thinky so I'm sorry that this is a bit incoherent and comes across as a telling-off.

[sabradaz]

Just wanted to say this isn't hate or anything. Look, i realize that u shuldn't blindly accept information u r being fed abt a medium u never interacted w, n this case it's books, n u obviously r right by saying that u shudn't have discourse abt it if u haven't read it, n so a person shudn't. That being said knowing the background of the creator/author n all the problematic things they've done, i personally will safely take the information i recieve abt it bc there's no point in reading something if i'm unable to enjoy it, especially considering it will waste the limited time i have in my life when i can spend it on other less hurtful things. I'm not gonna engage in discourse abt it, ofc, but i'm still not gonna read it. Also these aren't just petty problems. We're talking abt actual real life issues that actively hurt marginilized communities. We're talking racism, fetishization n transphobia. I'm not gonna force myself to read or watch something if ik it's only gonna end up mentally triggering n hurting me. Again i will not *personally* engage in discourse abt it, but i will stand idly n watch others who have read it do so, so i can form my own opinion on it. Is that a bad idea? Probably. But better safe than sorry. Is life unsafe, n i shudn't hold myself to the expectation that it will be? Ye, ofc, but that's not what i'm talking abt tho. I'm talking abt when *i* have the control, n if i can help it, y wud i wanna go out of my way to purposefully inflict pain on myself. If there seems to be a great concensus, n not a tiny one, that there r many problems w the medium in question, then frankly better safe than sorry. N i will even go as far as warn those close to me abt it. I won't start a discourse abt it since i haven't actually interacted w it, but i'll still give warnings based on what i've heard. If they end up wanting to interact w it, that's their choice. I won't force em not to. I've never watched “Birth Of a Nation” in my life, but i know from the great concensus held that it is an awfully racist movie, n it will only shock n upset me if i watch it. I'm not a robot. I'm a human w feelings n emotions, n i sure am gonna proudly n arrogantly act on them, ONLY when it comes to these issues. I'm not gonna think logically cuz academia, which has a BIG history w classism, racism, transphobia n everything bad under the sun, tells me to. Again none of this is hate. Just wanted to hopefully let u in on a diff perspective.

Here is the thing. You don’t have to have an opinion on anything. Saying, “I heard this movie is racist/homophobic/sexist/antisemetic, and therefore I have no interest in watching it,” is extremely valid and I personally think is very smart. First and foremost self care is essential and reading those reviews and then refusing to engage in the content is great. However, you need to keep in mind that you’re making those judgements based on reviews, not the content itself.

For example, I haven’t read the new ACOTAR book and I’m not planning on it. I made this decision based on the fact that I didn’t enjoy the other books too much and the poor representation throughout the series became a deal breaker. However, as long as I haven’t read it, I can’t really form my own opinions on it. I especially can’t from any opinions that would have any value in any form of discourse or otherwise. If (I have yet but I also don’t really engage with the fandom) I see a post calling it racist or homophobic I might feel validated in my decision but that doesn’t mean I can make my own post calling it racist or homophobic. I still wouldn’t have anything useful to add to the discourse regarding the new book. If you know what I mean?

I wrote this post specifically in response to some discourse occurring in the She-Ra fandom probably about six months ago? I won’t go into too much detail expect essentially the creators did a panel about the show which received a lot of accusations of racism, antisemitism and homophobia. Most people posting about it had clearly not seen the panel because I’ve never seen such a huge amount of misinformation being spread so quickly by a fandom in such a limited space of time. (I’d like to add that some of it was good and important, especially in regards to Bow’s brothers, but a lot wasn’t.) This wasn’t to defend Noelle Stevenson, but rather to highlight the fact that by refusing to watch the panel but engage in the discourse regardless they were adding a frankly useless voice to the issue and were at risk of spreading misinformation.

This post was not about people forming their own views on whether or not they want to engage in the content and by extension discourse of a text. If you decide you don’t, all the power to you. But you need to know you won’t have anything useful to add to the discourse or even general discussion regarding it. I couldn’t write a long post about the poor representation in Sarah J. Maas’ books because I read them so long ago I can barely remember. I don’t want to reread them and so as I don’t have anything useful to add to the discourse I don’t and I shouldn’t.

Academia is extremely classist, I know. It has many faults in its approaches to pretty much everything. But it is right in the sense that you have to engage in the material to make a judgement on it. You can’t do a calculus question without having seen the question, like you can’t interpret a text without having read/watched it.

I think we both agree on this though. My post was specifically referring to public discourse, not how one privately engages with books/movies/etc. and I agree with you in that regard. However, it is really important that we draw that line between what we can use as private judgements on something and what we can use for public opinions. If you put something in the public it can influence people’s understanding of what you are talking about, and as such you need to know what you are talking about. What Dave from Sound Design said about something isn’t a good enough basis to start public discourse on, regardless of whether you think it’s good or bad. But if it makes you want to either read/watch or not read/watch something then that’s fine too.

[derbycityjbgc]

To the Louisville Protest and Movement Community from Medusa:

A dox was recently released about me by a group calling themselves Louisville Radical Federation. This group consists of Louisville ARA members, RAM (Revolutionary Abolitionist Movement) members, Louisville Street Medic members, and others associated with them. It contained a lot of information, incorrect information, while also revealing information about myself. I would like to take this time to address accusations against me and highlight the who and the why behind all of this.

Poor Security/Snitch:

These accusations against me come on the heels of attempts to call me a snitch and blame me for poor security culture. The basis for this accusation is me mentioning “the uhaul dox” on the LMPD live feed from Sept 26 (which is no longer on their Facebook page). 

The “uhaul dox” was a reference to a situation created by Louisville ARA members who rented a uHaul in their own names, but with an old address on their license 

Well-known (both locally and nationally, and in far right, white supremacist circles) Louisville ARA members were recorded on video unmasked handing out gear (hard banners, masks, goggles, etc) to protesters in an open parking lot

They were identified by far-right activists and the uHaul truck identified by its license and serial number

An employee at uHaul leaked internal call logs with the account information related to the rental with names and addresses included

A phone call of someone pretending to be uHaul was recorded with an ARA member where questions are answered and more information is given away 

All of this is documented over and over again on YouTube. 

It became a national story, trending on twitter, with even New York Times and Politifact articles written about it, with many right wing media incorrectly attempting to connect organizations and people to George Soros

While it was absolutely a poor choice on my part to mention “the uhaul dox” to anyone, especially police, there is no grounds for blaming the entire situation on me. In fact, the use of poor security culture by Louisville ARA created and enhanced the entire situation from beginning to end. 

The accusation of poor security culture is a deflection of their own poor security culture choices highlighted above. Repeated actions of those associated with Louisville ARA, RAM, and other groups have created unsafe situations at the park over and over again. 

Unwanted Sexual Advances:

Yes, I have been under the influence of drugs and alcohol while engaging in sexual activity. I admit to that, while also wanting to point out that I have also taken steps over the last year to minimize my usage of different substances and when I have slipped up, have been accountable for it and asked for forgiveness with a renewed promise to do better. Those people know who they are and there is no reason to drag them into anything. 

In regards to the specific instance mentioned in the dox:

Both individuals involved were under the influence of substances

We had sex twice - once before sleep, once after sleep

I repeatedly asked for consent during the interaction, as each step progressed

This person then stayed at my house for multiple days after the interaction

The insinuation of a power dynamic around age disregards the other power dynamics that existed, such as this person’s connection to a founding member of Louisville ARA

I was later told by this person’s friends that they were in a committed relationship with someone else during the time of our interaction

This person denies that they were in a relationship at the time, but I have been approached by others given similar information much later after the interaction occurred

The twisted version of this interaction is not what was told to former partners of this person

This person repeatedly approached me this summer regarding our interaction describing it as “great” and saying “I wish we could do it again”

The interaction took place almost two years ago and I have not been a part of the community for almost a year, there has definitely been ample time to address the interaction or any issues with it before now without power dynamic issues or threat given that I was not a member of the community

I have not once been approached by Louisville ARA or their affiliates regarding accountability for this interaction since it occurred

The other individual a part of the interaction in the past has been repeatedly called in regarding consent issues, defense of far right political personalities, sex work shaming, transphobic behavior, toxic masculinity, and other issues and in fact, left Louisville ARA because of the accountability call in for those things

If the intent was to hold me accountable, spreading rumors of rape in bars or a public call out without any attempts at restorative and transformative justice is not constructive or appropriate. 

I do want to hold space for those I have hurt though, intentionally or unintentionally, with my actions. I am truly, deeply sorry if anything I have done has resulted in making anyone feel unsafe. Should there be a genuine request for an accountability process, I would wholeheartedly engage in it. 

Ignoring/Disregarding POC on Sept 26:

The accusation was made that I presented myself as a police liaison on the night of Sept 26, despite being asked not to do so by several POC. 

I never once refer to myself as a police liaison, nor have I ever

The decision to approach the police line was made by a group of people tasked with protecting protesters and the church, and clergy:

Clergy and armed protection asked folks to go into the church building when the explosion occurred

Multiple intel sources, including bike scouts, indicated LMPD was gearing up to enter the church property with or without a warrant (confirmed by Interim Chief Schroeder in testimony to Metro Council)

LMPD sent all media away from the location, so we invited a 502Livestreamer to come with us to document the exchange

I was not approached by any POC or Black organizers at any point during these conversations 

Multiple members of the armed protection team were initially going to the police line but the others were called back to deal with a situation

When a group of three Black individuals approached the police line after we had already talked to police, I immediately stepped away and created space for them to negotiate.

All of this is recorded on camera, including church security footage with sound, and can be confirmed by members of the clergy and the other people who were a part of the interactions

Ultimately attempts at negotiation were finalized by the Black woman who came forward 

When the offer to return home between 3-3:30am was given, I actively encouraged people to stay at the church, but later was informed that members of Louisville ARA and their associates went behind me and told people to leave, that staying was a trap. 

In fact, the trap was telling people they could freely and safely arrive home

LMPD arrested 28+ protesters on their way home, some were disappeared for a number of hours before it was known what happened to them

POC Claim:

The accusation is made that I am falsely claiming to be a person of color based on an immediate relative’s DNA test. 

At no point did a “calling in” conversation take place, no actual conversation around this specific issue ever took place. Comments made in passing or a two minute conversation absolutely do not qualify as a calling in.

I did not know it was considered an issue to others until it was screamed in my face during an outburst that had nothing to do with my identity

This is being claimed by a group of people who have no knowledge of the growth, journey, insights, or nuances I have experienced, nor was there ever an attempt to have those conversations

This group repeatedly discussed their feelings and thoughts about me without my input, knowledge, or clarification, including with other organizers in an attempt to discredit me

Out of state persons with whom I had never conversed about my identity publicly dragged me in a large group Signal chat referring to me as “Rachel Dolezal” among other name calling and abusive behavior

This is complicated. Yes, I discovered Roma in my family through a DNA test, that is true. I spent a large amount of time studying the culture, digging into my family’s background to understand better how we tied into the Romani, learning my heritage and history, and had many, many discussions with POC and Black folks about what I was learning. In fact, several of the POC I had discussions with, who had encouraged me to identify as POC and to embrace my Roma heritage are the same people now accusing me of being fake. The main source of those accusations though, come from white people, specifically ARA members who have been unsupportive from the very beginning and showed their indifference to even attempting to engage in conversation.

I am not going to try to convince anyone of who I am or am not. I have spoken with Roma elders; I know my Vitsa; I have Romanipen. I practice my beliefs as Roma. I am Roma. Who I am, my identity, is not up to someone else to debate. 

I have never attempted to engage in oppression olympics with anyone. I have rarely ever even discussed my own experiences regarding racial profiling. I have occasionally shared articles or images highlighting Roma history and present, which is a story of oppression, and held discussions around educating people about oppression and profiling Roma have experienced, including the use of slurs such as g*psy or the appropriation of aesthetic such as bohemian or g*psy “soul”. I have argued that the fight against white supremacy and Nazism is a fight for Roma, because it is. Unfortunately, Roma and other ethnic minorities have been excluded from the conversation of liberation at the square to such a degree that most feel unwelcome and unwanted there.

If the disagreement is around the concept that someone cannot discover parts of themselves late in life and find a source of identity in that, I would argue that is engaging in gatekeeping, exclusionism, and toxic internalized white supremacy.

If the disagreement is around the concept that Roma people are not people of color, that is racist. 

Roma are not even recognized as a people group in the US. Claiming that my identity is invalidating to POC is antiziganism. My identity is mine. Those who take issue with it are transferring their own insecurities regarding their identity on to me. It is toxic, racist, and unfair.

Bad Intel Sharing:

Intel is a communal effort and comes from many, many sources, not one; generally intel/information I share has been passed to me by others

Constantly moving actions, pieces, and groups create an impossible situation for having ALL the information before making decisions

Louisville ARA, RAM, and others associated with them refused to participate in standard communications that other groups and people were a part of (including Signal chats, Zello groups, radio comms, etc)

They encouraged people at First Unitarian Church to leave the property despite curfew causing multiple arrests

They have repeatedly attempted to spread wrong intel about fellow activists to discredit them and push them out of the movement

They have failed to show up to situations when back up or help was requested

They refuse to cooperate or engage with information that comes from any source other than themselves, gatekeeping regarding issues of safety and security for protesters 

They have gone as far as claiming that the vouches of other people are invalid based on their personal assessment, not on any empirical evidence

Grifter/Jumping from group to group:

I am not originally from Louisville and I have only been a part of the leftist scene here for about four years. Many of the people in different organizations and communities have a history that I do not share. So, yes, I have spent time in different groups, trying to find my place in the movement. 

I truly thought I had found that place with Louisville ARA, but after the two years of toxicity, I couldn’t handle it anymore. When I distanced myself from them, I lost my friend group, my community and it broke my heart. 

However, I believe in cultivating healthy relationships and community, not one based on codependency and narcissistic centering. When I left Louisville ARA, I immersed myself in studying intentional communities, transformative and restorative justice, and how to address conflict/harm. 

I wrote out my dreams for a community. I shared those dreams with some others who I thought also believed in them. Rather than engaging healthily when the dox came out, most of those who I thought shared my vision of community left me standing alone rather than putting the ideals we had agreed to into practice. It’s been a very painful realization for me to know where people truly stand, but I would rather know who is true than not know. 

Conclusion:

While we all make poor decisions, and I am not excusing mine in any way (and have been willing to admit to them, accept correction, and remove myself when necessary), I have always maintained that if people feel unsafe, they should only engage to their comfort level. 

Certain people who are now accusing me of these things had inserted themselves into conversations that they were intentionally not invited to because of their discomfort with certain actions. In every instance of an action or idea, I have made clear that only people who are willing to take on the danger of an action should be involved. I would not want it to be any other way, even if that means people backing out or removing themselves from an action. Safety is, and always has been, my greatest concern. 

Many actions and ideas were brought up throughout the summer that eventually were tabled or decided to not complete due to safety issues. I am certainly not the only person who has had ideas in this movement and it is the height of hypocrisy to claim one person is unsafe, a subjective term at the very least, during a revolutionary movement in which so many engaged in “unsafe” actions.

The accusations against me are a spiteful smear campaign and an attempt to divert attention from their own actions that have created unsafe situations for multiple people

It’s an attempt to lash out and place blame on anyone other than themselves for their actions

I distanced myself from Louisville ARA in Sept/Oct of 2019 and officially left the organization in December 2019, having not been a part of their work for several months

I did not reconnect with members until May 2020, when the movement kicked off

I left Louisville ARA because I witnessed, and was the recipient of, toxic, manipulative, abusive behaviors

I had multiple anxiety attacks due to narcissistic, controlling behaviors

I felt they no longer represented or acted in connection with their supposed points of unity

By doxxing me, they revealed my legal name to the far-right movement - despite pictures of myself on social media, I had been so far undoxxed by the alt/far right 

Doxxing of fellow activists is a huge faux pax in the antifascist community

I had not yet been publicly doxxed by anyone 

They deadnamed me, as a trans person, by giving far right activists my legal name

This is completely against any sort of socially acceptable standard 

Put me, my partner, and my child in danger

This was an act of betrayal, a way to manipulate against someone to cause them hurt and harm. 

The lies, manipulation, and mind games existed from the early stages of the movement in May behind my back

Louisville ARA, specifically, manipulated and used me to gain information 

They used my connections to people they thought were undesirable to work with as a way to manipulate the movement 

Once I became independent of them, I was considered undesirable to work with as well

They fabricated relationships with me as a way to continue to use me for their enjoyment and gain

They have continued to terrorize and threaten me, implying that physical harm would take place, even so far as to stalk me at the memorial for Travis where I was grieving the loss of a friend (who, incidentally, was someone they refused to work with and had no relationship with)

They have consistently engaged in a “my way or the highway” attitude toward relationships and the moment someone doesn’t fall in line, they are ostracized

I truly believed I was in community with them. They took advantage of this to manipulate and abuse me

Louisville Radical Federation has also displayed incredibly abusive and unsafe behavior outside of simply doxxing me: 

Cis members of Louisville ARA physically threatening trans people, and when there was push back on it, declared they did not care of it made them transphobic

Stealing untold amounts of money from comrades, including using my debit card without my knowledge or permission after their dox in an attempt to terrorize me

Repeated fatphobic comments and behavior

Openly threatening physical harm on myself and my partner

Making disparaging comments about fellow protesters, houseless folks, organizers (including Black women), and others

Engaging in clique behavior, while mocking those not “in” constantly (and often behind people’s backs)

Refusing to return borrowed items totaling around $500 including my tactical kit and body armor plates

Running abuse survivors out of the movement because the abuser is their friend

Allowing abusers to remain in the community with no accountability process and making excuses for behavior

Constant misgendering of trans folks, often intentionally

Behavior indicating non-binary trans people are not trans or not trans enough to be a part of conversations around the murders of trans folks

Conducting medic trainings with old, outdated, and incorrect information without certification and refusing to correct their inaccuracies when they were pointed out

Actively engaging in gatekeeping, gaslighting, and disrespect toward others, going so far as to claim to others that vouches or recommendations were invalid

Political purity and gatekeeping of the movement 

Repeatedly re-escalating dangerous situations during high risk actions that had already been deescalated by Black folks and other protective minded folks

Deliberately choosing to not respond to information about Nazis or local alt-right figures being at bars or other locations, failing to uphold their own points of unity

Lying to therapists, psychiatrists, and other mental health workers to keep from being accountable for actions, behaviors, and abuses

Centering whiteness in conversations about race and racialization

Tokenizing POC and Black people, as well as trans comrades

Gatekeeping trans, POC, and other marginalized communities with standards set by themselves as cis, white folks 

Disregarding claims of abuse against individuals in their community, gaslighting survivors

Stalking and harassing former members of the community

Building a reputation of toxic, manipulative, exclusionary behaviors among antifascists circles

Appointing themselves as the authority on antifascism, especially in regards to organizing, being in the streets, and actions

Invalidating the trauma of other antifascists from actions such as Charlottesville

Consistently carrying firearms without proper training or discipline and/or without knowledge of the specific firearm they were carrying

Using their trauma to manipulate others from being actively engaged on the streets when it was needed

Engaging in oppression olympics, especially with a mindset of harmful behavior toward others when they were the most privileged people in the space (having a complex about anyone with more oppression than themselves)

Putting businesses they frequent at risk by bringing in underage people to drink

Hosting parties and events where underage people engaged in drinking and substance use, putting everyone in the space at risk (sometimes without consent)

Stigmatizing certain mental health issues and using them to manipulate others against persons 

I am in no way absolving myself of bad, toxic/harmful behavior. I am absolutely guilty of causing harm, of engaging in toxic attitudes, and making very poor judgment calls. We all are toxic. We all have caused harm. We all engage in bad behavior. No one is innocent. Should I be called in about some things, most assuredly. And those who have taken the time to sit with me, to ask questions, to discuss the issues, have not shied away from telling me where I have faulted. If I have made anyone feel unsafe, compromised, and invalid in any way, I want to apologize sincerely and would love the opportunity to do so in person. 

A community that supports and believes in itself exercises grace, compassion, transformation, and restoration with itself, with each individual. To intentionally dox, ostracize, and scapegoat a person is not community. It’s not engaging in liberation work. Harm does not fix harm. We will never get free if we can’t free ourselves from the internalized toxicity that each of us has. Liberation is undoing toxic behaviors, not branding someone as unfixable. Liberation is freedom to fuck up and do better. Liberation is grace. Liberation is learning, transforming, restoring. Liberation is who we choose to be, how we choose to live, what we choose to believe in. I chose liberation.

[missmentelle]

Hi miss m! I've had a stalker for six years. He's stood outside my classroom doors watching me, followed me around school a few times, and twice made 'jokes' about harming people around me, amongst a myriad of other things. After a year of relative peace, he's in my English class. Already, he's invaded my personal space and wouldn't stop watching me-the nightmares started again. I've talked to friends about it but no one really understands, and I'm afraid he'll hurt me. I don't know what to do.

Hey, this is a really serious situation and I’m very sorry to hear that your friends are having a hard time grasping that. You absolutely have a right to be concerned about this. I had an ex-partner who stalked me for more than a year after we broke up, and I was harassed and stalked for four months by someone I rejected on OkCupid; I know just how terrifying it can be to be constantly pursued by someone who refuses to take “no” for an answer. Luckily, there are steps that you can take to protect yourself here:

Document everything. Every single time your stalker shows up at your class, speaks to you, asks one of your friends about you, follows you, or otherwise attempts to contact you, write it down. Note the date, time, where it happened, and exactly what was said. Have a place where you keep all your records of this person’s actions toward you - this could be a physical notebook, a note on your phone, etc. Just make sure it’s in a place where it can be easily reviewed, and where you won’t lose it. Keep screenshots of any messages he sends you, or any interactions he has with your social media accounts. Keep those receipts.

Do not engage with him. It can be tempting to want to call out a stalker, to yell and scream at him to leave you alone, or to plead with him to stay away. Unfortunately, this is a mistake - stalkers view absolutely any response from their victims as encouragement to keep going. Do the best that you can to have absolutely no reaction to him. Ignore his messages. Pretend you can’t see him when he shows up at your class. Refuse to take any gifts or notes from him, or return them unopened. Ignore him when he speaks to you, and pretend you cannot hear him. If you do have to speak to him, say “I don’t want to have any further contact with you” in a flat tone of voice, and refuse to say anything else. 

Inform your loved ones of the situation. I know that your friends aren’t really taking the situation seriously, but it’s still important to keep them updated on the situation and aware of the fact that it is still happening. Make it clear that you are afraid of this person and you don’t want to have any interactions with him - if you encounter him while you are with your friends, make sure your friends know that they should help you walk straight past him without engaging. Also make sure that friends and family know not to give this man ANY information about you, your activities, your dating life, or your whereabouts, and that they should let you know right away if he contacts any of them to ask about you. 

Speak to a local domestic violence agency. Stalking falls under the category of “domestic violence” or “intimate partner violence”, even if you have never dated the person who is stalking you. Talk to a local domestic violence agency or call a local domestic violence hotline - they will be able to help you assess the risk, and let you know what kind of resources may be available in your area to help you deal with this. It may be possible to get a restraining order or an order of protection from this person if he will not leave you alone, and you may be able to access counselling through the agency to help you deal with the fear and anxiety he is causing. A domestic violence agency is always on your side, and they can let you explore all the possible options before you decide to approach the police, courts, or other people in a position of power. 

Talk to officials at your school. Your school is responsible for your safety while you are in their care, and they absolutely should not be placing you in classes with someone who follows you and threatens to hurt people around you (no matter how “jokingly” he might have done so). It’s not clear from your post if you are in high school or college, but talk to the staff at your school and make them aware of your situation. In high school, your best bet would be the school counsellor - at college, that would mean speaking to the sexual assault center (if your school has one), your ombudsman office, your advisor, or your Dean. Make it clear to them that he makes you feel unsafe. Schools are getting better at recognizing the seriousness of these kinds of situations, and more importantly, the expensive lawsuits that can arise if they fail to take action and something happens. At the very least, your school should not be registering you in the same classes with him for the rest of your time there. 

Lock down your social media. Unfortunately, social media is a stalker’s best friend - a stalker can use your social media to learn more about your schedule, your hobbies, and the people you interact with. My OkCupid stalker used my public Instagram to figure out which university I went to and which cafes I frequented, so that he could try to “run into me” there. Stalkers can also become extremely possessive of their targets, and unfortunately, seeing indications on social media that you’re even speaking to another man can put you in danger. Lock down your social media, and instruct your friends not to post pictures of you or indicate your whereabouts on their public social media. 

Take steps to protect your physical safety. This is definitely a “better safe than sorry” situation - it is better to err on the side of caution. If your stalker does not know where you live, keep it that way; take alternate routes home from school if you can, and change up your daily routine as much as possible. If he does know where you live, ensure that your neighbours know what he looks like, so they can warn you if he’s been hanging around. Consider investing in a security camera. Avoid being alone as much as possible, especially in situations where you could run into him. At school, try to stay close to your friends as much as possible, to ensure that he is not able to corner you alone. 

Remember that you have nothing to be ashamed of. A stalker’s greatest weapon is shame - it can be humiliating to admit that you have a stalker. For me, at least, admitting that I had a stalker felt like I was announcing to the world “hey, I think I’m so hot that men literally go crazy over me!”. There’s also an issue of other people’s attitudes - when they hear about stalking behaviour, some people are still inclined to say things like “you should be flattered he’s putting so much effort in!” or “that’s just how boys flirt!”. People can struggle to understand why you’re upset. Don’t give in to any of it. You have absolutely no reason to feel embarrassed here - the only person who should feel ashamed is the man who has no self-control, and feels so incredibly entitled to another person’s attention and body that he doesn’t hesitate to use fear and intimidation. Stay strong in your convictions - you do not want to interact with this man, and you have a right to demand that he leave you alone. Best of luck to you. Stay safe out there. Miss Mentelle

[cupofcowboys]

Hi, I'm so sorry but I'm about to dump a million asks on you. I really wanted to reply to that post about writing for Javier but my anxiety is destroying me. I don't mind if you wanna post these in a reply on there instead, or just keep them to yourself. It just means a lot if someone listens. Okay here i go:

Please don't take this as me being mad at you, I just wanted to share a perspective that was missed in that writing for Javier post. Your advice was good, but it was kinda only written for people who don't write about Javier because they don't want to be called racist. I don't write for Javier because there are still "bad apples" in the fandom. If I block them they can still see my posts on other people’s blogs and just the idea of them reading my writing makes me so upset I feel sick because I can’t control the lense they view my writing with.

And I’m really not trying to be shady but I’ve seen you and some other people in the replies for that post be kinda supportive of some of those “bad apples”. I don’t judge you for it, I follow you and I think you’re great. Maybe you just don’t know they’re bad apples, either because tumblr moves fast and it’s easy to miss things or maybe you just genuinely don’t understand why what they do is wrong.

But if you see people of colour, especially Latinx people, upset about Javier content they’re probably offended for a good reason. They’re also being made feel unwelcome in their safe space. And the fandom might be really important to them considering a lot of other media is literally talking shit about them constantly. It may seem like they’re upset about something “small” to you, but they’ve learned to notice the “small” things because they’re often the tip of a racist iceberg.

In some contexts being able to notice that stuff can literally be life saving, it pays to be hyper vigilant. But if they’re reaching out asking you to make changes instead of avoiding you, it’s because they think you can do better. And usually they’re not asking for much, just for people to be more aware when they’re writing for Javier. Like you said, just try to write for his character traits and not because of stereotypes you might have absorbed.

It’s a challenge though because Javier’s character was founded on stereotypes, the entire original game was. It pays to put a bit more effort in, just like rockstar did the second time around. He IS passionate but I don’t think they ever used the word passionate to describe him in rdr2 (maybe I’m wrong) I kinda wish writers would avoid it too when they write for Javier.

Even when it’s a perfectly fine use of the word, I just automatically slam the breaks when I see “passionate” used to describe latinx people. I can still get back into reading and enjoy the fic, but I’d enjoy it even more if I didn’t have the abrupt pauses. And it’s a pretty small change to make that can make a huge difference and also be a good creative exercise.

The other thing I wish writers would avoid is peppering “Mexican” all over the place. Like don’t erase his race where it’s relevant, but when someone throws in a random “the Mexican sat down” or whatever it almost always comes across as fetishising. There are so many adjectives in the world, ask yourself why you automatically go to that one. Or just use his name a lot, it might be “annoying” for some readers but it’s not gonna legitimately hurt someone like coming across as fetishising might.

-♥-

I just want to say thank you so much for reaching out to me about this. I deeply appreciate your perspective and insights, especially on enlightening me to things I hadn’t thought about. I want to give you the prior understanding that I am not American/Mexican, I have never been to America/Mexico and I’m not educated on American relations/media/perspectives relating to Latinx people. At least, not in the way that people who live and experience that are. Please understand that when I express my thoughts, feelings and opinions. I only have my perspective as a British woman.

For this reason, I am more than happy to listen to constructive criticism and insights from Latinx people, especially if what I’m doing directly harms them or makes them feel unsafe. Fandom is a safe space, especially my blog. I will never be offended or defensive about it so long as I’m treated with mutual respect. I’m in a position only to learn and better myself as much as possible. That’s why I’m here.

As for “bad apples” in the fandom, I admit that I don’t know who they are. If I do something supportive of them, please don’t be afraid to let me know! I will listen to you. I try my best to be vigilant and thoughtful, but I’m not as educated as I should be. I’m aware of that. Any enlightenment is appreciated by me. I’ll just state that I’m not, and never will be, interested in drama or attacking anyone.

I agree that Javier’s character was based on stereotypes. I actually omitted that point from my original reblog post because I didn’t want to draw too much attention to it. He’s still got a lot of stereotypes attached to him in RDR2. But I don’t like to view him through the “lens” of a stereotype, I try to expand on his character as much as possible to counteract that and I think that’s what writers should do. We don’t have to lean into the stereotypes we’re given. But he is the character they wrote, and we can only do so much while staying “true” to him.

The “mexican” descriptor is a thing I’ve also learnt to avoid (by digesting posts I’ve seen about that!) and think it should be applied to every writer. It’s ok only in contexts where it matters. I also hate the use of slurs in fics, especially when they aren’t given the weight they actually carry. Always puts me off. It’s rare, but I have seen it and I hate it. I will also omit the use of the word “passionate” in my fics/conversations about Javier, thank you for telling me about that!

I have no issue with people expressing their thoughts/feelings/opinions about how people write/interact regarding Javier. In fact, I wholeheartedly encourage and support it! I will always reblog posts like that. What I do have an issue with, is how those posts are worded. I’m never going to support, like or reblog a post that is aggressive, demeaning or offensive about any topic. Even if it’s coming from a good intention.

As for your reluctance to write Javier because of “bad apples” seeing it through the wrong lens, you are never going to be able to control who sees your posts. I see posts from people on my dash who I don’t like and who make me unhappy any time I see them - even though they are blocked. Tumblr has an awful blocking system. I completely understand why you feel that way and wouldn’t want to do it.

But I think you should do it for the “good apples”. You should do it for you. There is no way to stop people interpreting what you create differently from your intentions. That’s just one of the laws of creating. Don’t let that hold you back. If anything, set the example that you want to see. Be the “good apple” and to counteract the rot the “bad apples” bring. You have that power and you should actively embrace it.

Thank you again for speaking to me about this, I hope my response was okay. If you like, I can post your asks as a separate post on their own. Please just let me know ♥

[ourfallenmachine-blog]

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Unattended Death Cleanup

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Body Decomposition Cleaning

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Homicide Cleanup

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Suicide Cleanup

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[barrieshannon]

Creating queer-inclusive university classrooms: Small things you can do

Originally published on my LinkedIn page:

The process of creating inclusive environments in any institutional setting is one that is never really complete. Educators and activists talk a lot about creating 'safe' spaces, as if there is a threshold where an environment switches from being 'unsafe' to 'safe' and the work ends. It isn't a matter of implementing a certain number of initiatives, or finding that one perfect fix. For me, it is much more compelling to think of 'safe/r spaces', to really emphasise the idea that creating affirming environments for others involves constant reflection, effort and improvement.

"...the development of safe/r spaces is cumulative, made up of many, often small, gestures..."

What I feel is also important to acknowledge is that nobody knows everything about how to create safe/r spaces. Nobody is or can be an expert on a process that is not ever finished or perfect. I've been involved with the University of Newcastle Ally Network for a few years now, and in helping to facilitate the training I have tried to communicate this to prospective Allies, who often feel anxious about not being perfect. Left unchecked, this anxiety and fear can mean that otherwise well-meaning people don't act, or leave it to someone else. But the development of safe/r spaces is cumulative, made up of many, often small, gestures, and most are things that just about anybody can do.

For those who are curious about all of this, I wanted to share some of the things I've learned through my work as an openly queer educator, and from my student feedback. There are a list of small things I usually do during every teaching semester that contribute to building a welcoming space for queer students, whether I am a course co-ordinator, a tutor or a teaching assistant.

🌈 Assure your students you will respect their correct name and gender pronouns, and invite them to disclose this to you before classes start. This is especially valuable to trans and non-binary students whose correct names might not appear on your class list. I usually do this via a whole-course e-mail or a Blackboard announcement. This communicates to everyone that you are committed to a respectful environment, and it means that you can go into your first class reasonably confident that you will not alienate any students by misgendering them or asking them to disclose in front of the class. Make a note on your class lists, so as to avoid accidentally deadnaming students, especially via e-mail or on Blackboard, where student e-mail addresses may not display the correct name. Some universities will allow students to change their 'preferred' name freely, for international students or trans students who prefer to be known by a different name to their legal name. If your university offers this, perhaps you can familiarise yourself with the process in case a student asks about it.

🌈 Join your university's Ally Network. Okay, I don't do this at the beginning of every semester, but it's still important! If you are unsure about how to do something, the best thing to do is ask. To this end, your university's Ally Network should be a valuable resource. If your university doesn't have an Ally Network, contact the equivalent department (health, equity and diversity, etc.) or see if you have a local LGBTIQA+ organisation that can provide resources. If your Ally Network or local LGBTIQA+ organisation offers professional development training, take that opportunity when you can. I want to reiterate my earlier point about nobody being an expert; even if you are confident in your 'queer competency', there is always something you can learn. If you are a member of your university's Ally Network already, or if you have completed some kind of competency training, consider displaying a sign by your workspace, or adding your this to your e-mail signature. Being a visible supporter, even in these small ways, will be quietly appreciated by your students. This is something I receive consistent positive feedback on.

🌈 Where it is relevant, share opportunities to celebrate queer culture or participate in activism. I teach sociology, so this is pretty easy for me to do, but where it is relevant and possible, try to incorporate important dates and events into your teaching. For example, make a Blackboard announcement or create relevant lecture content or tutorial activities for International Day Against Homophobia, Biphobia, Interphobia and Transphobia (IDAHOBIT) (May 17), Transgender Day of Remembrance (November 20), Pride Month (June in the US), or the commemoration of important civil rights milestones. If your university or student union celebrates a Pride Week or something similar, help promote these events and encourage your students to get involved.

🌈 Be prepared to respond appropriately to microaggressions. Before I elaborate, I think it's really important that university classrooms are spaces where students can participate in discussions and be allowed to get it 'wrong', as long as they are acting in good faith. As I mentioned earlier, I don't think it's constructive to instill a fear of being wrong as it will inevitably outweigh a willingness to learn or do better. It may also crystalise negative views in those who become anxious, and resent feeling as if they have to walk on eggshells. I also think it's a little patronising to queer students to assume they can't deal with classroom discussions. However, microaggressions (deadnaming, using the wrong pronouns, using outdated or offensive terminology) accumulate and will create an environment in which queer students feel unwelcome. Usually, I work this into an activity in my first tutorials, where we create an informal 'code of conduct' together. Consider how you can go about addressing microaggressions, keeping in mind that it is usually not a deliberate attempt to cause harm. This should go without saying, but you should also consider how you would respond to overt homophobia and transphobia that is perpetrated in your presence - students will be paying attention to how you respond.

🌈 The same goes for uncritical acceptance of homophobic or transphobic myths or falsehoods. The tough topics that have come up in my classroom discussions about genders and sexualities tend to reflect typical media tropes and social media debates. Some of these have included students questioning whether inclusive sex education is 'appropriate' for children, questioning whether the gender pay gap exists, whether anti-gay religious groups are the 'new' persecuted class, or whether trans women in sport have an unfair 'biological' advantage. Most of the time, students that express views like this are not doing it maliciously, but are drawing on incorrect information, preconceived notions about sexuality, gender and the body, or on talking points from online echo chambers that don't allow them access to alternative perspectives. Though it's rare, there have been times where I have had a student who participates in these discussions and debates in bad faith, seemingly looking for a 'gotcha' moment. In any case, if views like the above are presented without resistance, the narrative will be reinforced, and accepted as truth by the rest of the class. Perhaps most importantly, it can be deeply hurtful to queer students. To identify and propose alternatives to some of these issues, you will need to make a commitment to reading widely and following all 'sides' of relevant debates. For me, a good place to start was ContraPoints, a YouTube channel dedicated to presenting video essays on debunking common anti-trans talking points. Other sociologists have public-facing blogs dedicated to discussing some of these issues, including Whipping Girl (by Julia Serano) and BINARYTHIS (by Hannah McCann). I try to follow LGBTIQA+ leaders, advocates and thinkers on Twitter, so that I can come across as many resources as possible.

What I have outlined above are just a few of the small things I try to do to create affirming environments for my students. Of course, there are many other things we as educators should be mindful of that go beyond gender and sexuality. Practicing reflexivity is important in identifying where our knowledge gaps and biases are. I hope this small resource is enough to pique your interest in developing queer-affirming teaching, and I'm interested to hear from others who want to share their own resources, challenges and successes as well.

[celestialsunglasses]

would you illuminate more on nick’s DID? tell us about his alters/headmates, headspace, talk about interacting with them? i’m really curious!

I’m gonna anxiously make a preface to this entire response. Because I feel like it’s important to note: I myself DON’T have DID. I can do all the research in the world, but I will never understand what it truly feels like. And I’ll never know everything. Especially since every person’s experiences are different.

So basically what I’m getting at is, on one hand I’m only human so I’ll probably fuck up a little bit, or misunderstand something and get it a little off. But on the other hand if I unintentionally write something here that really fucks up and stigmatizes or romanticizes the disorder without realizing it extremely badly: Call me the fuck out. Preferably privately, and preferably politely. But like whatever works is fine. I’m not trying to worsen the shitty stigmas that already follow DID. Also gonna high-key apologize for not mentioning it enough out of fear of fucking up horrendously like I used to before I did more in depth research (seriously how did I not get a call out for my past bullshit on the first blog or two, fuckin yikes) and kinda erasing it a little. That probably doesn’t help either as far as fictional portrayals of it are concerned. So I’m also sorry about that. And of course if this at all triggers anyone on principle I really encourage doing what makes you feel safest. No judgement.

(( Also: Sorry this took me some days to get to, I was working through anxiety about the above prefacing before deciding it’d probably be okay for me to post it as long as I was open to potential criticism about it. I can live with that possibility. But it’s gonna be a bit long so I’m gonna put it under a read more for dash courtesy, and for courtesy of maybe people who just don’t wanna see it, provided they aren’t on mobile where read mores are usually void. Sorry, mobile users. ))

To be clear, Nick has this from some childhood traumas, and not just from Lucifer. But some alters did form after the later traumas. I’m not necessarily going to go into massive detail on that part of things without a reason because that wasn’t the question. But there were some bad things that happened to him as a kid for this to be a disorder that formed.

So Nick has actually quite a few alters. Thirteen if he includes himself. And he does sometimes include himself. He is part of the system. He’s as much an alter as the rest of them. It’s taken him some time to accept that and not feel overly weird about it as he also considers himself “the original” if he has to explain it to someone. Though he’s not sure he likes to phrase it that way. But people understand it better when he does, so if they ask, that’s what he’ll say.

Of the other twelve alters. One of them is more like a fragment that helped him through some stuff by being really good at her function. He just calls her Mother because she helped in taking care of the baby he had when he was having a hard time getting up to do that because he was so stressed. She’s two dimensional in her ways and for now only serves her general function so she definitely doesn’t come out often.

And there is an alter he hasn’t actually been able to communicate with yet. Can’t find him in the headspace, yet. And most of the other alters are kind of unaware of him too. They’re only aware because Nick’s communicated it to a few of them. Nick only has an inkling because of a familiar voice in certain types of recurring nightmares. That’s how he learned his name. When he fronts, Nick is more likely to black out completely than with nearly any other one in his system. Adrian holds a lot of darker memories and honestly bitterness. A lot of it is from Lucifer. He’s not evil. He’s just angry and kinda taking it out on Nick in his sleep because he’s not sure what else to do yet. He can be very hyper defensive when he’s out. Can come off very rude and yells if he’s mad. Can also be known to get very drunk. Like dangerously drunk. Never stops frowning. Kinda paranoid. But he’s mostly inward because he finds it hard to be otherwise sometimes. He was created during the possession, so sometimes it’s hard to remember he can come out. He identifies with the way the body looks. So he looks like Nick.

And there is also the main one that’s most likely to front if Nick is feeling unsafe and his name is Andy. Andy split off when he watched his family get murdered. He’s there to be able to handle violent situations. So he’s a little intense. Kinda true neutral. He does things for himself to survive because he feels that’s how it has to be. Even if sometimes those things seem to be in a bit of a gray area morally. He’s not doing things to hurt other people, he’s doing things to be able to keep going. He could just as easily do good things, and does when the opportunities present themselves. But if he has to do a little shady business to get by he’s not opposed. There is a line or two for him that he won’t cross. But some things he’s less afraid of. He’s got a couple issues with emotion regulation and can sometimes be known to seem apathetic to a degree. After waking up after Lucifer he fronted primarily for about seven months because he could handle the situation he was in better than Nick could in his very emotionally raw state. He’s very protective of Nick and just wants him to be okay. So he took over for a minute to protect and handle violence like he was supposed to. With therapy he’s gotten a bit better about the way he deals with stuff, but he’s still a bit intense at times. He’s married to Mariah in the headspace. Andy sorta looks very similar to Nick, but he does have black hair in the headspace. Also brown eyes. And he lacks the scarring on his face that Nick has. His skin is alarmingly pale sometimes. He’s a little broader than Nick, more muscle than fat.

He has a primary protector named Mariah. She’s mostly an inner alter these days, and only actively comes out anymore during therapy or when Nick really needs her specifically to be out. And she can come out if asked for once in a while, but she usually needs to be asked for. Whether by Nick, or someone else. Her reasoning is that she doesn’t want to take up too much time of Nick’s life. She’s happy when he’s happy. And she wants him to have as much opportunity to achieve that before she comes out. She does however sometimes co-front to help comfort Nick. And give him words of encouragement, or to help him feel level headed when he’s scared. Nick’s pretty sure she’s the first alter he ever had. At the very least she’s the first he really remembers when he started learning he had DID to begin with in his 20′s. She’s maternal in a way. Kind. Safe and loving. She’s a positive influence in the headspace, she is also the one who protects a lot of the memories that could really hurt him if he was aware of them in an unsafe situation. And she’s a gatekeeper of sorts. Helps put up walls when other alters probably shouldn’t be present either. She’s married to Andy in the headspace. And together they help things run smoothly in the system. She has sharp features, dark eyes, dark hair, and honestly medium dark skin in the headspace. She’s curvy and has a warm smile.

His other main protector is Nina. She is more of an emotional protector age slides between 17 and 24 depending on the moment. She has blue hair, which caused Nick do dye his hair blue a lot in school. She is also kind, if not a little awkward in some ways. She’s the one who comes out if the situation isn’t dangerous to help with his emotions. In the inner world, she kinda protects the littles mostly. Like she would take over if one of the younger ones tried to come out while Nick was driving. Or if the situation wasn’t safe for a kid. She makes sure they’re doing well. She and Andy are the main alters to come out to help more actively than someone like Mariah. She’s much shorter in the headspace, her skin tone is white, but a little more sun kissed than the body’s. She also has a more athletic body type. She has shoulder length blue hair, and is very feminine otherwise.

He has four littles, three of which hold some form of memory or traumatic feeling to varying degrees (Max, Terry, and Haven). One of which holds no trauma memories and is there to be the kid he should’ve been able to be (Lana). One of the kids is blind (Haven), and when he’s fronting, Nick literally becomes legally blind because that part of his brain turns off until Nick comes back, or until someone else fronts. They’re all friends with each other to varying degrees. But Max and Terry are especially close with each other and even share a room in the headspace. The other two kids have rooms next door to theirs. Max is mixed race Chinese and White. He has reddish brown hair, and dark eyes. Haven is Indian, or at least partially so, has dark hair, but bright hazel eyes. Both Terry and Lana are white. Terry has short, curly red hair, and freckles. Eyes are green. Lana has long mousy brown hair down to her mid back and bright blue eyes. They all come out once in a while. And if it’s safe and appropriate timing, the older beings are okay letting them just be out for slightly longer amounts of time to be able to play and talk or communicate before one of the older ones will front for the sake of safety.

There are two not human alters. One is a magical dragon thing who is called Cairo, the other is a werewolf named Alec. Cairo is always an insider, and always has been. He is kind of a dream weaver. He creates good dreams. He doesn’t hold trauma memories. He’s there to help him feel that things aren’t all so bad. That when he can, he’ll help create a safe space even if there isn’t one outside of sleeping. This was a little easier before certain things happened. But he does sometimes still build safe dreams for Nick. Otherwise helps in protecting memories from surfacing in places where it’d be unsafe if he can at all keep one from surfacing. He speaks telepathically in the headspace in that he doesn’t need to move his mouth to speak. And his speech is very formal. Nick knows this is an alter because when he was figuring it out, his voice and presence was very consistent in his thoughts, daydreams, and normal dreams. He’s long and crimson red.

Alec does have some memories. Kinda used to be aggressive toward Nick before therapy and learning to communicate better. Now he’s still kind of pretentious, and not great with people. Can be a bit growly. But he does try, and it’s not an aggressive relationship anymore. Also not a fan of children. He won’t hurt them, but he tries to keep like at least three feet of distance between himself and children, including the littles, when possible because he’d just Rather Not. Does not get the appeal. They make him a little nervous. He’s thicker, and broader. He shares the trait of being blond like Nick, but his eyes look gold because werewolf traits. (Obviously the body is not actually a werewolf. there is no real shape shifting or lycanthropy, but the alter himself can shift in the headspace. And when he fronts if he’s shifted in the headspace, then the alter is more wolfy in personality.)

And then the last one is Victor. Personality based just a little bit on Chekov from Star Trek because he thought he was funny and that kinda helped him through some things growing up, so his head created someone like that. No trauma memories, just someone there to help make life easier. Does have the Russian accent. Nick’s pretty sure he’s 14. He doesn’t really say. the headmates who interact with him tend to at least like him. He kinda helps take care of the younger ones because he gets along great with Nina. They’re good friends. As you can guess, he looks kinda like Chekov from Star Trek.

They communicate primarily through journals that Nick keeps for them. And for a few of them, like Haven who can’t see, or others who might just prefer verbalizing to writing, he does little voice recordings in place of the journal to make sure the system is getting what they need, and to talk through things that might be bothering them, or to check that they’re doing fine. Allows them to communicate with each other through those means. He also kinda sometimes talks to them in his head, or allows them time to front and just Be for a short while. With some rules that they can’t do things that harm anyone or the body when fronting. And preferably not do anything that could get them all in trouble.

The only one he doesn’t have a hand on with communication is Adrian. He doesn’t talk to anyone, and kinda assumes he’s alone and meant to suffer silently. Mostly he doesn’t know the others exist, or that there’s an outlet and is only vaguely aware of Nick. And thinks it’s his fault that things are what they are. Again. Not evil, just angry and without a recognized outlet to talk about it as of yet. He doesn’t even know how to properly talk to Nick outside of nightmares and that’s not really talking. Nick hasn’t figured it out either because Adrian is more difficult to locate and communicate with. He’s trying, though. And sorta getting somewhere because he at least recognizes him now instead of being unsure like he was for a few years there because at times he was very quiet and seemingly dormant. And also the fact his headmates are somewhat unaware as things go. It’ll take some time to fully figure that situation out. If he were to really think about it he’d find Adrian in the space he created when Lucifer wasn’t putting him to sleep. It’s a very blank space. Meant to feel like nothing to give the illusion of lacking feeling. He doesn’t like finding that place. Doesn’t like thinking about that place.

The headspace itself is like a big house. Or a mansion, I suppose. And it has a huge yard. The alters have their own space and rooms to be in that suit them, who they are, and their needs. There is also a cellar that’s locked up, and it’s a little bit like a dungeon thing really to keep particularly bad memories from surfacing at unsafe times if it can be helped at all. Only Mariah has the key to the cellar for now. Everyone at least sorta respects that decision if nothing else.