#especially when you can’t remember what a healthy family is like - if you ever had one before

[zhongrin]

weathering

◇ characters ◇ husband!zhongli, baby!xiao

◇ tags ◇ afab!reader, fem!pronouns, mention & implication of pregnancy (reader), children, xiao (tries) to call you “mama”, angst to fluff, heartwarming domestic fluff

◇ a/n ◇ last submission for my ᴇʟᴇᴍᴇɴᴛᴀʟ ϟᴜᴘᴇʀᴄʜᴀʀɢᴇ collab

disclaimer: i don’t have a child, and i won't pretend i know how it feels to have one. this won’t be 100% accurate. however - i have first-hand lived with one and witnessed the calmest person on earth snap from all the stress that is caused by child-rearing, so…

𝑐𝑜𝑙𝑙𝑎𝑏 𝑚𝑎𝑠𝑡𝑒𝑟𝑙𝑖𝑠𝑡 ⬙ 𝑚𝑎𝑖𝑛 𝑚𝑎𝑠𝑡𝑒𝑟𝑙𝑖𝑠𝑡 ⬙ 𝑡𝑎𝑔𝑙𝑖𝑠𝑡

[ 𝑤𝑒𝑎𝑡ℎ𝑒𝑟𝑖𝑛𝑔 ]

you think you and zhongli make for a harmonious couple.

if you were asked to describe your relationship in a word, you would choose ‘steady’. it has always felt as such ever since you were friends, stayed as it is when you started courting each other, throughout your stage of falling in love with each other’s flaws and strengths, and persisted through your engagement and your newlywed stage.

of course, you’ve had fights - from petty ones that make you roll your eyes in exasperation, to bigger ones that made you temporarily move out to your friend’s house for several days to reevaluate your relationship, you had them all. they all ended in the same way, every single time: reconciliation, deep conversations, promises to do better, and tons of affection to make up for the lost time. your relationship is most definitely not perfect, but you’d like to think that it’s healthy and open and, as quoted by your friends, “couple goals”.

but nothing that you’ve experienced so far prepared you for the hectic, sleepless, and insanely stressful life that is being a parent.

and to think you thought pregnancy was the worst. ha ha.

“- he doesn't want to eat, he doesn’t want to see me, he doesn’t want to see you, he doesn’t want his stories, his diaper is clean - i just - i don’t know what to do!”

you had to shout into the phone, seeing as your baby is quite literally screeching his head off in the background, the shrill sound further amplifying your stress headache and breaking your tired heart.

your husband hums in affirmation over the phone, and the background sound of people talking from his side suddenly disappeared. normally, you would have felt bad at interrupting his meetings, especially since you know it’s vital for him to be there, but you’re too far gone at this point - your patience has its limit and it seems like you’ve reached the bottom of the bar.

“calm down, dear.”

“how am i supposed to calm down?! i’ve never seen him throwing this kind of tantrum!! what if - what if something’s wrong - should i go to the doctor? i can’t tell if he has a fever, his whole face is so red and i can’t even touch him because the last time i tried he screamed harder and choked and i was so scared i-”

“[name].”

“i don’t know what to do,” you sob, tears falling down your cheeks, “i can’t do this anymore…”

“of course you can. listen to me, love. everything is going to be okay.”

“will it though?”

“of course. i’m here too. let us tackle this problem together, just like how we always do.”

“….. okay…”

“thank you, dearest. did you try giving him his dragon plushie?”

“he threw it across the living room.”

“hm. strong arms, like his father.”

you sniffle and laugh weakly at his words.

“maybe he missed menogias?”

“their family is on vacation right now,” you wince when xiao throws another one of his soft toys - a limited edition spear gifted by your husband’s friend who runs the biggest toy factory in the whole country - successfully knocking over the untouched bowl of food you made for him before.

another thing to put in the washer, another ruined food, another thing to clean up. wonderful.

“ah, i remember. australia, i believe. i heard it’s magpies season. hopefully they’re staying safe from the birds.”

“who cares about that right no-” you pause.

“….. dear? what’s wrong?” zhongli’s concerned voice snaps your attention back to the phone momentarily.

still keeping your gaze on your son, whose wide golden eyes are also looking straight at you, you whisper into the gadget, as if you’re afraid he’d go back to crying the moment you said something, “he stopped crying.”

“…… xiao?”

the boy blinks and switches his stare at your phone silently, where the voice of his father is addressing him from.

“do you want to talk with daddy?”

his nose scrunches and despite knowing it’s not zhongli’s fault, you snapped at your husband, “no! no he doesn't!!!”

“ah,” another hum, “then, perhaps a keyword… australia? magpie? safe?”

xiao's golden eyes narrow. you whisper a soft ‘no’.

“birds?”

like magic, your son’s expression lights up like a christmas tree. within seconds, he’s waddling towards you, latching onto your leg, teary eyes staring up at you in expectation. you’re sitting still on the dining chair in shock. literally minutes ago he did not want you to touch him at all.

“is that not it?”

“i…. no, i think….,” you hurriedly wiped your tears away and abandoned the phone on the table in favor of hoisting the toddler up to your lap, “birds? you…. you want to see the birds?”

xiao blinks one, twice, and then nods.

you sigh in relief as you wiped the tear tracks on his chubby cheeks. zhongli chuckles.

“will you be alright now, my dear?”

“ah…. yes. i think so.”

“alright. skip the cooking for us tonight, i’ll come back early with your favorites. i love y-”

a small sweaty palm punches your phone’s screen, effectively disconnecting the call. you give the young boy an unimpressed look. he looks back at you innocently before starting to suck on his thumb.

your house resides on one of the higher terrains, along with a great view of the lakes and forests in the distance. this, fortunately, means that you have a lot of trees and birds for your little one’s viewing pleasure. the moment you step out onto the balcony of your second story’s bedroom, xiao starts to bounce excitedly within your arms before settling down, eyes transfixed on the group of avians perched by the nearby trees.

“bub?”

“……,” you exhale shakily, chants the name of the deities above inside your head, and gives him a shaky, weak smile, “yes, love. those are birds.”

[ 𝑔𝑒𝑜 ]

your doorbell chimes right as xiao accepted the first mouthful of his dinner. the toddler glares towards the direction of the front door, as if silently saying ‘who dares to disturb my meal’, and you chortle in amusement.

“coming!”

after giving a few pats on top of his dark-colored hair, you’re immediately running towards the front door in record speed, intent to turn away whatever salesman you have on the front steps by slamming the door on their face if you have to, because your baby needs his food, darn it.

cautiously, you squint through the peephole.

the sight makes you frown in bewilderment.

instead of some slimy-looking salesman, outside stood your husband in his immaculate work clothes, waiting to be let in like some kind of a lost puppy.

did he forget his key, perhaps? you chuckle in amusement. knowing how often he forgets his wallet, it’s only a matter of time until he forgets his keys, you suppose. with that in mind, you unlock the latches and open the door, a greeting at the tip of your tongue-

the sweet scent of flowers envelops your scent and the entirety of your sight, and you find yourself staring down at a massive bouquet of flowers, tastefully arranged, all freshly bloomed with no single imperfection on their colorful petals and trimmed stems.

“…… huh?”

zhongli chuckles, finding the lost expression on your face endearing. your hands might have instinctively accepted the gift, but it appears your brain has yet to catch up with your body.

“i’m home, dear.”

“w-welcome home? but what-”

“can’t a husband spoil his wife without any reason every now and then?”

“yes? no? i mean-” you want to hit yourself for stumbling and bumbling around like some kind of a high schooler in love, and the entertained laugh from your husband makes you smile in both embarrassment and the sudden happiness that enveloped your whole being. despite already being married, the follow-up kiss to your cheek makes your heart jump and your grin widen.

“may i come in now, dearest?”

you eye your husband with a huff and arch your eyebrows coyly, “hmm. persuade me.”

zhongli doesn’t even hesitate or look surprised at your antics, merely sporting the same gentle smile as he places a proper kiss on your lips this time. now you’re actually giggling like a high school girl, and yet your partner isn’t even fazed, soft lips tracing your jawline, fingers brushing back your hair-

a loud clatter makes the both of you jump, and you would have been touched by the instinctive hold zhongli immediately has on your arm, if not for the sight of disaster in your peripherals.

xiao has, somehow, reached onto the plate of food you set aside for him, and while you were both reliving your honeymoon dating phase (not that you've ever grown completely out of it, according to your friends), had taken the liberty to try and shove the food onto his mouth with his own hands…. keyword here being ‘try’.

the bowl of food lays sadly on the floor, its content spilled against the white tiles.

within seconds, your son starts crying, and the two of you scramble to tag team the situation; with you tending to xiao and zhongli tending to the flowers and locking up the door.

right. gone were the long relaxing beach walks and uninterrupted sweet moments.

….. and yet, as you’re cleaning up the food spills around the baby chair and catch the sight of your now-husband silently patting a sleepy little boy whose belly is now full of food, you think that this kind of life too, has its own unique moments of happiness.

[ 𝑎𝑛𝑒𝑚𝑜 ]

“maa…”

you feel a tug on your hair and groan.

“mah….?”

your eyes squint, heavy eyelids struggling to open, something within you forces you to push through it. wake up, your instinct says. your brain lags, and it’s so easy to just fall back asleep, but-

“maaaaaa!!!”

you sit up at record speed, vision bleary yet immediately alerted at the piercingly loud noise and familiar voice of your baby. instinctively, your arms gather the smaller body of the toddler despite the exhaustion weighing your whole being.

“mmah.”

“yes, baby. mama’s he-” tiny hands push your cheek away and you frown, feeling a little hurt by the rejection, “okay, okay… what is it, xiao?”

he wrestles away from your hug and points at the vase of flowers sitting on the dining table. though the blooms aren't as fresh as the first day you got them from your beloved, they’re still a magnificent sight. not to mention that the size of the bouquet made you separate the flowers into three big vases, and this was just one of them. you understand that your child might be fascinated with the new additional decor to the house, but you really doubt he could carry the whole thing by himself… plus, that sounds very dangerous.

“no no. let’s find another thing to play with, okay, dear?”

xiao gives you a look and stubbornly points towards the flowers again, now slightly frowning.

“no.”

“mahm!”

you sigh, rubbing your temples in exasperation before standing up to approach the table. your little boy follows right behind you, all the while observing your movements, waiting for you to fetch what he wants.

hesitantly, you hold onto the vase in your arms. they’re big. heavy. made of glass. what if it shatters? what if he grabs one of the flowers and they weren’t pruned properly? what if he accidentally stabs himself in the eye with one of the stems??

you really shouldn’t….

xiao latches insistently on your leg, doe eyes looking up at you in excitement.

“gihb!”

with a defeated sigh, you place back the vase onto the table, take one small flower, and give it to your child. he whines and points back to the arrangement on the table. you reluctantly give him two more flowers, slightly bigger than the previous one.

“no more.”

he holds them in his hands and stares at them for a while.

you think he’s going to ask for more, so you opt to sit down on the floor, grabbing the nearest storybook and patting your lap in an invitation, “now that you have the flowers, why don’t you hold them while mama reads you your book, hmm?”

to your utmost befuddlement, instead of obeying, your son looks up at you and lifts the flowers up, before staring at you expectantly.

you smile through the confusion and accept his offering anyway, and you were about to thank him when he determinedly kicks the book away and climbs onto your lap-

-to place a kiss onto your cheek.

....

........

oh.

“are you-” you choke on your words, already feeling tears gathering in your eyes, “-sweetheart, were you trying to copy your father…?”

xiao frowns, seemingly unable to comprehend why you’re not reacting as he expected…. and decides to kiss your other cheek. only, this makes you tear up even more. and he does not like that.

“maamh….”

“oh no no nono darling i’m sorry, mommy’s not sad, not at all!”

you carelessly wipe your tears away when xiao’s nose scrunches, the first sign of tears already showing in his bright-colored eyes. gently, you pull him into a hug and squish his chubby cheeks, peppering loving kisses all over his face with a chest full of warmth and unimaginable joy. the toddler squeaks and squirms on your hold, but you continue to coddle him with affection, for the happy giggles bubbling from his throat clearly reflect his true feelings.

later that night, you tell your husband about the endearing moment, and he laughs in amusement before asking the boy if he could get a flower too.

he gets a freshly laundered spear toy thrown at his knees.

you’ve never felt so smug in your life.

[ 𝒄𝒐𝒏𝒄𝒍𝒖𝒔𝒊𝒐𝒏 ]

weathering - the breaking down or dissolving of rocks and minerals on earth’s surface. or in some cases: a phenomenon where strong gusts of wind eventually shape the valley of rocks to create a beautiful and wondrous sight.

© zhongrin | 2022 ◆ no repost. reblogs much appreciated. feel free to reach out to submit suggestions, feedback, comments, or if you just want to talk!

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[anxiousnerdwritings]

We know that in the books Viserys and Daemon had a little brother, who, unfortunately perished with his mother Alyssa shortly after his birth. But what if only Alyssa died and he survived by some miracle but had a weak immune system and had to stay inside of his room most of the day; his only company was his books and his trusted pen, who he always writing stories with it. Because of his creativity he was the family's story teller! Making his brothers feel safe with him and making them shielded from the harsh reality of their life. As you can imagine Viserys and Daemon became deeply attached to their little brother (which seen by others as "a little bit unhealthy"). And this brings us to the present day, the civil war and family drama. For their little brother it doesn't go so well and he's stuck between with his two older brother (+their families).

I really love this idea!

Even thought they’re family and both equally love and care for their little brother, Viserys and Daemon could never come to agree on what was best for their brother’s wants and needs. Each would want the brother to stay with them, Viserys wants him at King’s Landing meanwhile Daemon wants him with himself at Dragon Stone. But neither are going to let the other move their brother away from them. It’s too much of a risk for their brother’s well being. Also, whenever Daemon brings up wanting to take their brother out of King’s Landing, Viserys would always throw back at him how unpredictable and irresponsible he can be and how much consistency their brother needs because of his health issues.

Viserys would absolutely hang on every word the Maesters had to say about his brother’s condition and what would be best to treat it, to keep him healthy and happy. But Daemon doesn’t trust the Maesters, he thinks their full of shit and has no regard for them whatsoever. Not when it comes to his precious baby brother and them having control over his health. They basically hold his brother’s life in their hands and Daemon doesn’t take lightly to it.

I really love the thought of Rhaenyra being very close to her Uncle!Reader (not in the same way she is with Daemon). Like, ever since Rhaenyra could remember Uncle!Reader would always read to her and write stories just for her when she’d come to see him. If he drew then he’d draw things for her, even illustrations for the stories he’d made for her. Viserys would absolutely adore the kind of bond and connection that Rhaenyra and his youngest brother had. Two of his most treasured people spending time together just filled him with complete joy. And when Aemma passes both Rhaenyra and Viserys would go to Uncle/Brother!Reader for consoling and to just be with in their moments of grieving.

When it comes to Viserys needing to remarry he’d go to his baby brother and ask for their advice on the matter. Or to even just talk out his own thoughts and gripes about it. If there was any better listener in all the Seven Kingdoms it would be Viserys and Daemon’s little brother. Rhaenyra would probably do the same, seeking her Uncle to talk about her own thoughts and feelings about the situation to him.

I can’t help but imagine Alicent being attached to the brother too. Most likely romantically. It’s not a surprise that she’d probably be the one to really care for and tend to him, similar to how she tended to Jaehaerys before his death when she first came to King’s Landing after Otto became Hand. She’d spend the most time with him, talking, listening, just basking in his presence. Even though she’s just there to care for him and be his company throughout the day, she can’t help but feel some type of way with him. Especially if his chambers is like a makeshift safe place for not only his brother but Rhaenyra too. It would make sense that Alicent too would take comfort in the Reader, whether it’s just his presence or how calming and serene he is. Of course he’d be the first one Alicent would tell about marrying Viserys, confessing that it isn’t whant she wants, even possibly confessing her romantic interest in him right then and there.

Alicent would also totally bring her children with Viserys to the Reader. Of course when they’re all first born Viserys brings them to show to his brother but Alicent would go further than that. I could see her making Viserys’ brother a surrogate father figure for her children. And after Jace, Luke, Joffrey, Baela, Rhaena, Aegon III and Viserys II come into the picture, Alicent would feel threatened. Her children’s time with the Reader would be taken up by Rhaenyra/Daemon’s children and that would really irk her.

Once Viserys’ health gets worse he wouldn’t be able to visit his brother as much if at all out of fear and worry of getting him sick. That would really hurt Viserys. Not being able to see his beloved brother especially before he dies. It would have to be through Deamon, Rhaenyra and Alicent that the two could communicate. Unless the brother were to sneak out of his room to see Viserys, even if it is one last time.

I’d say though that it’s after Viserys’ death that shit really hits the fan and it’s made apparent where the Brother!Reader’s position is in this whole debacle and it’s smack dab right in the middle. Rhaenyra and Daemon are hellbent on moving the Reader to Dragon Stone to be with all of them, his real family. Meanwhile Alicent is desperate to keep the Reader with her just because of her own feelings for him, she doesn’t want him to be taken from her cause she knows that’ll be the end of it. And if the children were just as attached to the Reader, even viewing him as more of a father than Viserys was to them they’d do everything they could to help keep him in King’s Landing. And Alicent has no problem using the Reader’s health as an excuse to keep him where he already is. Using it to guilt trip and garner a sympathetic response from Rhaenyra, but it’s really Daemon who she has to convince and it’s not going to work.

Also, you can bet Rhaenys would also have quite the attachment for her youngest cousin. Especially if he were to have been encouraging and supportive of her when she was in line for the crown. She would have come to him after Laenor and Laena’s deaths, and of course after Viserys’ death as well. I could even see while Viserys and Deamon were always fighting about where to have the Reader reside, Rhaenys had her own wants for the Reader to stay with her and her family at Driftmark. She just knew better than to say anything but now she’ll do whatever to get her cousin away from the Greens.

[nightgoodomens]

Answering asks below

Hi! I am, thank you!

Aw thank you for saying I’m objective, I do try 😅

You’ve complimented me so much my day just became even better that’s for sure!

So apparently well known stalkers were at the press night - which would explain why DT and GT didn’t show up and MS quickly left too. Whether that was the reason they didn’t show up I obviously can’t confirm but it sounds like a decent excuse if it’s true. There had to be a decent reason because David wouldn’t be showing his love on the opening night and on the press night if they didn’t show up because they didn’t care or whatever - I mean I’m sure even haters wouldn’t think that lmao. Or maybe it was something simple like sickness in family or he was doing something for work. Don’t know. Wouldn’t worry about it tbf.

I have a feeling that the day David took a selfie in front of the poster at the theatre, he went to see the final rehearsal before the big night. We know he was there for Michael which was sweet. Somehow more than going to the press night if I’m honest…

He will probably officially see it on another day.

I think it’s projecting and being so deep in their made up fantasy that they actually rejected the actual canon and made up their own and they believe it’s the true one. I have never ever been in a fandom that completely disregarded the canon. It’s like the fandom had a collective lobotomy.

I don’t want to be part of it. It was awesome at the beginning when people were normal but now it just upsets me. I hate seeing Crowley being reduced to nothing by this fandom because they have a need to make Aziraphale something he’s never shown to be. Plus I don’t think that majority of people are even aware how normal healthy relationships look like anymore. Both characters have been made the opposite of what they have shown to be over two seasons and on top of it made the extreme. It is just so striking because I’ve never ever witnessed before someone completely ignoring everything about characters and obsessing over 1 second scene and basing the whole personality of a character on it. What the fuck happened. Especially since the characters are so bloody good the way they are but the fandom just shat on it all.

The objectification and extreme sexualisation obsession is giving me creeps too. Especially with taking a character like Crowley who’s shown to escaping psychopaths who control people yet forcing him into a fucked up relationship, objectifying him, and reducing to nothing, making him brainless and dependant, and saying he’d love that. And making a fuck up out of Aziraphale too who’d love to do that to him and have a need to be a creep like that. Seriously fuck off. Nothing gave me bigger creeps in this fandom. How do people miss the point of the show so badly is beyond me. How do people see a character and make him the absolute opposite of what he’s shown to be is beyond me too.

I can’t rewatch the show at the moment because I watch scenes and wince what the fandom did with them. I hope that I disassociated enough that by the time S3 comes I won’t remember the sick theories and I will watch in peace with a clear mind just like I watched S2.

I definitely won’t be here to see what people thought about it to not ruin it for me again 🤣

If NG puts these two in the show, nobody will even notice them apart from fans obsessed with DT’s wife and MS’s female partner. And yes their fans will care more about that than everything else or pretend that online. But the 90% that remains will only care about the story and Michael and David.

It would be a turn off for me too but you know what I’ve been thinking - why worry about it? It’s years away. Maybe we won’t give a crap about GO by then because our lives will completely change, or the show will never actually be finished, or their scenes will be cut out, or they won’t actually be in it, or… there is literally zero point worrying about this, honestly.

I don’t trust Neil 😂

I hope that things aren’t as bad as they look because I’d question why dude kept on knocking her up if he’s as unhappy as he likes to show sometimes or with the songs he always chooses for them.

I hope that whenever she’s being humiliating or snarky or tries to put him down, or tries to make his accomplishments about herself, he thinks about being a national treasure with massive accomplishments on his back after having zero privilege, while she was born with privilege and had everything handed on a plate and yet she accomplished nothing apart from scoring a man, by getting pregnant on a one night stand and stalking him, who will need to support her until the end and she’s dependant on that. So what she was rich then when now he’s rich and she’s dependant on his money. His recent inserts about her felt so rehearsed and forced it was borderline sad. If he felt them they’d feel genuine so I think he knows what the truth is.

Her attitude only highlights her insecurity. Insecure and unhappy people bring others down instead of being happy for them. To have so much privilege and do nothing with it, yet try to put down the person who started as normal people do and accomplished so much through his hard work… girl please. Don’t be lame.

I hope he thinks of Michael Sheen who can’t wait to go on the radio to say how amazing he was and how good he looked in a kilt, who records himself going off about how hot David is and what a fantastic actor he is, and how he sometimes forgets his lines because he’s so lost in his performance, how he is his favourite actor, how he loves him and adores him and it’s so clear even just on his face. How he doesn’t shut up about David and needs barely a prompt to go off about his love for him. Who puts him on pedestal and shows him off and especially when it’s his big day. And seeing DT’s confidence skyrocketing… yeah I think he’s noticing and it’s working. And MS is someone on his level who understands the work DT does so his words have a bit more importance behind them…

I think everything you read online or anywhere really, you need to take it with a grain of salt and it applies to this article too.

Generally people didn’t scream “bullshit” at this article because GT herself admitted to stalking DT until he gave him and it’s not a secret that she got knocked up on a one night stand and they got married because of that.

There were many rumours regarding their open marriage and her trying to obsessively control media and succeeding a lot. If you care to dig it’s all there.

But conclusion is up to you as always.

[herwrittenuniverse]

Thoughts on Rayllum Post S4

Last week, I posted a chapter of my story Lunation and got some pretty divisive comments. It got my wheels turning and before I knew it, my fingers were flying, and I ended up writing something small an essay on Rayla and Callum's communication at this point in their journey.

I'm going to put it below because I feel like people may disagree (which, by all means, you are free to do so and keep scrolling without reading). Click below to read more.

Are you sure you want to read?

There's still time to turn around!

Alright then!

Also, please feel free to sound off in the comments or reblogging.

Edit: Adding this one because I feel like this blog is making its rounds and it needs to be said. Let me make this 100000% clear that this post is not to blindly defend Rayla in any way. Her actions (lying/leaving) in TTM were awful (and I talk more about that below). However, this post is a reaction to some comments on my story - comments that made me realize that there are those in the fandom that believe her actions are (especially to Callum) unforgivable - that no matter what Rayla does, says, or thinks in future seasons, she will forever be at fault for leaving, and doesn't deserve to reconcile with Callum.

Original Post:

I didn’t realize how much of the TDP Community takes serious fault in (ahem, hates) post-TTM Rayla. Last week, I posted a chapter of Lunation (a fanfiction/character study of what would happen if Rayla and Callum actually talked post S4) where Rayla and Callum try to talk about things. In my story, Rayla realized how much she truly hurt Callum, and while she attempts to explain herself, she ultimately apologizes, realizing her actions hurt Callum more than she could ever imagine. Callum, who is still blinded by anger and repressing a lot of his feelings, lashes out at her. It makes them both explode and nothing is settled between them (until later chapters - but that’s a different post).

Obviously, I am just a fan, and I am using this work as a creative release. But I take pride in proper characterizations - I want to be sure each party member is behaving like they would in the show. And, on top of it all, I am spending my free time putting genuine love and devotion into something purely because I enjoy it.

But many of the responses on the chapter really left me scratching my head, and quite frankly, made me…sad. Of course, everyone is entitled to their own opinion, and that is not the issue - I understand you can’t please everyone. I was genuinely upset because people seem completely ignorant of the absolute trauma Rayla has been through. Readers called me biased towards Rayla (with no sympathy towards Callum), called Rayla toxic, said they want Rayla to "truly regret her decision and actually apologize," calling my interpreted apology disingenuous because I used her family dynamic as one reason why she would leave to protect Callum (and honestly, likely also because she didn't grovel at Callum's feet). 

I am not saying what Rayla did in TTM was right - actually, I think the opposite. Rayla’s response was definitely not healthy, and it wasn’t correct, and there were more plausible options. Yet having been through trauma myself, I understand Rayla’s actions. When TTM begins, we see how Viren has taken away literally everyone Rayla has loved - every parent she’s ever had,  including (in a way) Ethari, who is not dead but is forbidden to see his foster daughter due to the fact that she is a Ghost. 

Rayla left to protect literally the last thing that she loves in life - Callum, and probably Ezran too (but remember, she saw Callum encased in ice along with her parents and Runaan in TTM). Through Seasons 1 - 3, Rayla is self-sacrificing, rash, and guilty - her choice to leave, while not right by any means, aligns with her character that we have all seen through Seasons 1-3. 

Again, was her decision right? Nope. Was it correct? Absolutely not. But those were Rayla’s actions, and at the time, she felt it was right and justified, which again fits into her character. In S4, we see Rayla come back empty-handed, and frankly, that shows growth. She realizes that her attempt was fruitless, and hence returns. It sure looks shitty to Callum because she has nothing to account for - and at the beginning of S4, he seems justifiably hurt, angry, yet still hung up on Rayla. So yes, Rayla’s return is incredibly hurtful to Callum - but let’s not forget that it was likely also hard on Rayla. She is both a prideful and honorable creature, so returning to Katolis empty-handed had to be one of the hardest things for her to do, especially with nothing to account for. No one likes to admit they’re wrong, especially about something as big of a decision as that. That is not to take away from Callum’s pain - it is just as hard and traumatic for Callum. But I think members of the TDP Community are forgetting that it’s hard on Rayla too. 

And Callum’s ire is understandable. However, my interpretation from S4 (and from his short story 'Inheritance') was that for two years, he stuffed down all his feelings and made everyone around him miserable. At this point, those around Callum have been dealing with him wallowing for two years - and now, the love of his life is here, in front of him, and he is still choosing not to address anything with Rayla. He is withdrawn, and has been for the past two years. Rayla's return is essentially forcing him to finally process what has happened. That’s why I decided to explore Lunation. S4 gave us no resolution with Rayllum, and it had the gears in my brain going. 

Some people are also saying that Ezran and Soren should be loyal to Callum because they know him the longest, and that they should be more angry with Rayla (both in the show and in Lunation). Yet I see Soren and Ezran as mediators, both in the show and throughout my story. Yes, they’ve seen their friend/brother desperate for nearly two years because of Rayla (which I’m sure gets tiring in itself). Now Rayla is back, but Callum is not taking any means to move communication forward. This is plainly addressed when Ezran and Callum speak in the Drakewood (“Lots of things are hard, like magic. But you figured that one out.”) and when Rayla and Soren speak on their ‘adventure’ (“When you left, you hurt him - real bad.”). It is natural that Ezran and Soren are not going to have the same bitter response to Rayla that Callum had because A. Their love/relationship with Rayla is different, and they have likely already processed what has happened. B. It is not in their nature to be inherently angry or bitter (Ezran, especially). C. I would like to think that, at this point, they want to see Callum happy. I am sure they were angry and mourning Rayla in their own way, but Callum would be the most affected by Rayla’s departure. 

Let’s also not forget…that Jack DeSena (when being interviewed about S4) himself said that Callum repressed his feelings during the two year absence, and dove into magic. 

And again - in case you didn’t read the first or second time I said it - Callum has every right to be angry. But remember, these are conflicting emotions that Callum is suppressing. He loves Rayla deeply, but is also angry and hurt. Still yet, he hasn’t talked about it or addressed it, even at the end of S4. A person who is withholding all these feelings is going to act angry, bitter, moody, and likely lash out - we saw evidence of all of this in S4. 

But…those of you who are anti-Rayla seem to miss the fact that Callum is still in love with her. He never stopped loving her - not ever in these two years. But he still has these repressed, unspoken emotions that are going to burst through, and that is what I wanted to explore in Lunation.

I deliberately made their conversation drawn out and slow, starting right from Through the Surface (my fanfic that takes place before Lunation). They’ve been slowly getting there, bit by bit…because if you’ve ever tried to repair a relationship (especially one where both parties are hurt), it takes time. That’s one reason why I liked S4, as Rayllum wasn’t addressed at all. Why would it? While it was disappointing to Rayllum fans, it was a perfectly normal response. It is not realistic for a couple to just pick back up after two years and pretend like nothing happened. 

And ultimately, that is the point of Lunation - to show that relationships are messy, are not linear by any means, and that in order to make it work, there needs to be communication, and communication is freaking hard. 

As a bonus, for those of you insisting “But Rayla hurt Callum! Rayla doesn’t deserve to go back with Callum! How can you ever go back to someone who has hurt you?” To you, I say this: it is painfully obvious that you have not had any complex relationships, life experiences, or the ability to empathize. It seems like you’ve never had someone you hurt (or they hurt you) terribly , only for the love to remain ever present. Truly, it must be nice to live on a plane of reality where things are so black and white. But in my reality, life is not black and white. Life is messy, and love is the messiest thing of them all. 

And, on top of it all, these are fictional characters that do not exist, and I (along with several other creators) am writing fanfiction out of free will and my love for the show. I don’t get anything out of this process (including writing this rant/blog post). So if a person doesn’t like my interpretation of these characters and this story, that’s cool - but you can say your opinion kindly and without aggression, or simply close out the tab and decide not to read. 

And hell, write your own damn story if mine makes you so angry.

Thanks for coming to my TED Talk.

Feel free to sound off in the comments.

[jjungkookislife]

The final part of Baby Kicks 🥹 This short drabble fic is just as adorable as I first read it 🥰 There’s just something about dad!jungkook (or any of the guys really 😉) that’s just so satisfying to read about ☺️ The “domesticness” just makes me 🥺😩😭 and it is so satisfying cause you also see how amazing he is as a husband 😌 Thanks for giving us the final part 💜

La Boda 😳 When it was still in your wips, i remember how it sounded really intriguing for me. After finally reading it, there was so much happening 😲 The confusion from the groom when SEVEN people bursts in 😂 Her mother fainting and being caught by the husband 😂 her maid of honor being on board and giving her a thumbs up 😂 The audience being moved by the scene while her groom is steaming pissed and his groomsmen just shrugging at him 😂 The revelation of the groom setting them up to look like cheaters, this is just like a telenovela I LOVE IT 😍 Not the MC focusing on Jk’s waist while being in his tuxedo 🥴 And the groom looking for backup from his groomsmen to fight with the 7 exes currently professing their undying love for his bride 😂 The collective gasp from the guests when she drops bouquet on the ground 😂 I expected the MOH to cheer for her finally reuniting with the 7, but not her family too 😂 And finally, the classic bride running away with the one she actually loves (that just so happens to be 7 different dudes 🥴) and they live happily ever after 😌 All in all, it was a great read. The classic dramatic scenes that happens on weddings 🤭 I loved it, thank you for sharing it with us 🥰 I hope you are doing okay and not overworking yourself. Goodluck on your tutoring sessions, I hope it goes well 💜

I love dad!jungkook 😭 I can imagine him wearing matching outfits with his son and getting him a little toy karaoke machine so they can sing together 😭

I couldn’t remember if I had posted La Boda or not bc I talked about it a lot 😅 the mother fainting was my favorite part lmao the absolute shock of it all is how I imagined my mom would have responded lmao she passed before my bts fan girl era but she was with me through my other eras so I can only imagine her reactions lol

The groomsmen knew better than to take on any of the exes lol especially with his beefy joon is 🤤

Jungkook’s waist is amazing and I am very jealous lol

There’s definitely a lot going on all at once and the groom was just evil so he got what he deserved being left at the altar 🤣 and the bride and her seven exes can live happily ever after like they deserve 🥰

Thank you! I have been overworking myself this week writing for other fandoms 😅 but I think I need a few days rest 😴 I had two classes back to back so it was an hour of nerves and sweating lmao I had to turn on the ac and I’m still figuring out how to pace myself bc I go too fast sometimes and then I go too slow 🥲 I have to be up in about 5 hours and I can’t sleep 😴 that coffee did it’s job 🤣 but I will post a chapter of the nanny next month bc I had to cut it in half and then hopefully finish the second half soon so I can post after my break in May/June 🥰 thank you for stopping by! I’m glad you enjoyed both drabbles and I hope you stay healthy and take care 💖

[saintlesbian]

as an Esme enjoyer (NOT APOLOGIST!!!!) I have lots of conflicting Thoughts ™️ on her current character rn. maybe it’s bc AKP is such an entertaining actress or maybe it’s bc I only started watching recently (so I kinda missed out on most of her really unethical behavior) but. there’s something about this fucked up little skrunkly animal of a girl that draws me in sorry.

like esme’s sociopathic snark was funny to me. the whole thing of her being manipulated by her father into manipulating the cassadine men in order to try and break up Ava and nik’s marriage was entertaining to me as a supporter of Women Who Scheme… and she’s doing all of this to gain the attention and affection of her father who is kinda Incapable of Love and is preoccupied with his Ava obsession at all times. like I can get why she would fuck nikolas to try and screw over Ava since to Esme, Ava is the main obstacle standing between her and her father’s love. and Ryan’s manipulation def bled into the way she interacted with the rest of the people she supposedly cared about since she literally alienated herself from the entire rest of the YA friend group by COMMITTING A SEX CRIME???? AND FRAMING TRINA FOR IT???? all to sow discord among them, isolate them, and ESPECIALLY to isolate spencer so she could keep manipulating the shit out of him.

like i think she saw trina, being friendly and reasonable with Spencer, as a threat to her relationship bc she’s insecure as hell and doesn’t have a model of healthy attachment to base her experiences on. and she sees joss and cam being happy together (maybe still wanting cam a little bit bc he was one of the few people she showed a softer side to??) and gets jealous as fuck bc she doesn’t have that kind of happy relationship. so she kills two birds with one stone, records the caoss revenge porn to sabotage their relationship and pins it on trina to isolate her from her friends… except even with all that reasoning behind it it’s still like GIRL??? you really didn’t need to do any of that??? like Ryan didn’t even order her to do that she just picked up a little sociopathic side project for herself. the crazy roots ran deep with this one. god forbid women have hobbies I guess

so to have those roots ripped out of Esme with the amnesia plot, it’s kinda like they sucked out all the meat and left behind a shell of Esme, this panicky waif, this sopping wet animal in the rain, directionless and loveless. I kinda imagine this is just what she was like before she started communicating with Ryan, and with the recent death of her adoptive family she just latched onto the first family she could find, with Ryan, modeling all of her behaviors after his orders. and even after the amnesia she still latches onto the first family she can find, with Laura the maternal figure and Kevin her uncle, who looks just like the father she can’t really remember.

she’s def not a victim tho, despite the two different hostage situations she was in recently. those were mostly her own fault lol. I think for Esme to have any shot at a meaningful redemption she does still need to face the consequences of her actions, whether she remembers them or not. jail time 100% for the revenge porn thing bc even I can’t make an excuse for how yucky that was. but what would really seal the deal for me is if she actually got her memory and a little of her personality back. scared animal Esme is fine and all but I’m starting to miss her snarky side… I think her redemption would be more satisfying if she had to deal with the guilt of her past atrocities and come face to face with everyone she hurt and have them all lay into her.

and I think the specter of Ryan should haunt her. like how she used to hallucinate him telling her to hurt her baby… I think that should be an ever present threat in esme’s head. like esme should def keep her snark and mild criminal behavior, but also when faced with the chance to fully revert to her old ways, she should be actively choosing not to be evil, rather than it just being a byproduct of her blank slate status. also this bitch needs therapy for sure but I’m wondering what impact talking to Kevin would have on her fractured subconscious…

[damn-stark]

AGGHHHH YASSSS I ABSOLUTELY LOVED THISSS. the break through of healing, to see how cherry really has put in the work to heal, and find the strength to live with her trauma and not allow it to win.

i’m so fckn proud of our girls it’s truly so beautiful to see how they’ve really done everything for each other and for both of their healing journeys.

and the sibling nteractions i’m CRYINGGGGG. though they’ve spent majority of their lives apart, seeing them all come together and not letting the lost time get in the way of them now is so beautiful. especially with eric, seeing him find the solace of what real love from family is in his siblings really shows how confident he was in his bond with them.

that’s not even including the sibling banter😭like cherry grew up with her friends and those are her family. but SOMETHING about sibling banter is just DIFFERENTTT. like playful arguments with friends is not taken to heart. but when it comes from a sibling, THEY JUST KNOW HOW TO PISS YOU OFF AND YOU SHOWED THAT PERFECTLY💀💀 on a sadder note though the person i thought of that could pull that out of her in that sibling way was eren. before her brothers, it was eren. and it just made it a little sad to think of but also happy to know that she now has her brothers apart of her life now.

ALSO WHEN YOU DID THE WHOLE GRAVE SCENE I WAS JUST LIKE “this has got to be the most genius writing ever”. because i vividly remember reading back then, when they had the “burial” for cherry thinking she was dead, when she was really stuck in marley, all i could think about was how they were all grieving a version of cherry that wasn’t her anymore. of course they thought she was dead, but in the readers perspective knowing she wasn’t, all i thought of was that when she would end up coming back home, that the cherry coming back was not the one they “buried”.

AND TO CIRCLE BACK TO THAT POINT WHERE PEOPLE GRIEVED HER AND THOUGHT THEY HAD LOST HER. IN A PLACE THAT IS SUPPOSED TO BE A MONUMENT FOR ONES DEATH. AS A POINT OF REBIRTH? OR REVIVAL?NOT THE SAME CHERRY BUT A STRONGER ONE. GODDD YOU ARE A GENIUS.

also i would love to see jeans pov of seeing her again when this is done. seeing her after three years. compared to when he last saw her, dark circles, slightly sunken cheeks, lack of color in her face, with no light in her eyes. to now probably having gained her healthy weight back, more rested, blush in her cheeks, color in her face, with a smile that was genuine and not one that was put on for his peace of mind. that shock and lack of reaction given to seeing her must’ve been him really just taking in how, although the three years of them being apart was tough for him to process at first, it really did her some good.

i’m rambling now, but since this will be my 2nd to last time sending my long cherry rant i can’t feel bad😭 thank you author as always. you’ve done such an amazing job delivering the beauty and pain of healing and traumas. and all of the interactions were an absolute joy to witness. see you next cherry thursday, you’re doing a great job! 🍒❣️

Eren put her brothers in her path after he died so they could be apart of her life!!

Thank you really for all your comments! Since we are close to the end I’m really trying to have everything come back full circle, which meant adressing that grave scene and her coming to peace with that fact too

And jean was just a little star struck by Cherrys beauty!

AND IM SO EXCITED TO SEE YOUR LAST COMMENTARY, BUT ALSO SAD!! I can’t believe it’s about to end!

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

TW for childhood verbal abuse, mention of corporal punishment, and a threat

Just want some validation and other people to hear me. No one in my life really knows the depths of what’s happened with me, I’m very alone in it all. I want to get some piece of it out in the world so it feels real.

I was a very fearful and anxious kid. My parents are the types to say things like “we never had to put our hands on you” (which is to say spanking and corporal punishment), and also say they never would but they would never need to cause I was such a “good” and “quiet” kid. They’ve said they’d be divorced if either of them ever were abusive. The proven exception for them was my Dad’s verbal abuse, toward me specifically.

They’ve told this story forever, from when I was four years old riding in the car. My dad was driving and I kept kicking the back of his seat, and wouldn’t stop when he’d asked repeatedly. Finally he snaps and says,

“If you do that again, I’ll break your legs.”

Apparently I got tearful, but still responded,

“But Daddy if you break my legs, I won’t ever be able to walk again,” said in an accent that made it “funny” for some reason. That’s where the story stops so he can laugh.

This is a story he’s told me at least dozens of times that I myself was taught to laugh at. It’s barely a story but he trots it it out anyway, and he’s always laughed at it. I’m sure he’s told other people as often as he has me. I have to remind myself a grown adult said that to a four year old. I know what he sounds like now when he’s angry, and yelling. Cause for my father there’s no in between he’s pissed or he isn’t. I can’t fathom that happening to me as a toddler, and ever saying that to a child. Confidently laughing to other people about it. Yet I still have this voice of denial telling me—“It’s not that bad.” Which sucks, I want that voice to go away so badly.

(Im realizing now re-reading this he’s never even apologized for it or even talked with me about it. It’s just funny to him.)

It’s scary to think at 4 years old (a time I don’t remember) I had already learned to be mostly okay with my father threatening me, that I talked back and didn’t just sob. Cause for how I responded I clearly knew what he meant when he said it. That it was normalized enough that he’s felt just fine calling it a funny story that he’s told all this time. And that’s a time relayed back to me, who knows what he’s said before that I’m just not able to remember now. Especially when the stuff I do remember is awful enough.

Hi anon,

I'm so sorry that you had to go through that. It's not okay for him to say that to you, no matter your age. It sounds like he doesn't understand the gravity of his actions and instead minimizes what happened and makes a joke out of it, which is incredibly hurtful. Please know that however you feel about this is valid, and you're not alone. If you can access or afford it, a mental health professional such as a therapist could help you process not only this experience but the dynamics of your family, and equip you with some healthy coping mechanisms that you can take with you along your healing journey.

If anyone has any comments or suggestions, feel free to add on. Otherwise, I hope I could help, and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[purplesurveys]

1682

When was the last time you wore eyeshadow? Idk, maybe a month ago. I’ll occasionally borrow my sister’s makeup and dabble with her eyeshadow, but I don’t use it every time I put on makeup. Only when I’m in the mood and time for it.

What is your favorite color eyeshadow to wear? I largely use nude shades but sometimes I’ll feel a little bolder and use purple.

Which gas station in your town do you think has the best snacks? I don’t buy snacks from gas stations. I just think food from them are dirty, even if they’re packed and even if they’re in the comfort of a convenience store lol.

Would you rather work with animals or work with children? Eh both can be pretty tricky but I think I’d pick the animals. With kids, I’d probably lose my cool in like half an hour.

Would you rather work with children or work with teenagers? Ew, but kids.

What is the most frustrating health issues you've been dealing with recently? For the first time in forever I’ve got a cold – the Full Package™ at that – so I’ve got a cold, dry cough, and a sore throat (which I initially thought was just a side effect of my vaping...until the soreness lasted a day). I feel like I’m terrifying people every time I let a cough out so that sucks too lol.

Do you own a pair of red pants? More burgundy than red, but sure.

Would you rather watch a movie, watch a TV show, or watch a YouTube video? YouTube video!

When was the last time you walked outside barefoot? A month ago when I was playing a prank on my mom.

What is your favorite alcoholic beverage? 🍷 Long Island Iced Teaaaaaaaaaa. That, or peach soju.

Do you like the taste of wine? 🍷 No. I’d drink it socially but I’ll be faking my pleasure the entire time because wine for me has just never tasted good.

Do you like the taste of beer? 🍺 No, that’s even worse. At least wine isn’t fizzy haha.

Do you like the taste of vodka? I never drink it straight but it’s fine when mixed with other alcohol or like juices.

Have you ever taken a jello shot? Nopes.

Would you say you are more spiritual or more sexual? Sexual, if anything. I’m really neither though.

What is one unpopular opinion that you have? I don’t believe in forgiving.

Do you think you look good in yellow? Mustard yellow sure, but I avoid all other shades of yellow not just because of personal preference but because I also think the others don’t suit me well.

What was the last type of cookie you ate? 🍪 It was like a healthy-ish apple cinnamon oatmeal cookie. Bea gave it to me before I went on That Hike that killed me.

When was the last time you had a cookie? 🍪 I had that ^ at the end of April.

When was the last time you had a donut? 🍩 IT’S BEEN SO LONG I CAN’T EVEN REMEMBER AND I HATE THAT.

Have you ever planted sunflowers? 🌻 No.

What is your favorite thing about growing older? Being able to call the shots on your own life. The independence from “what are my parents gonna say?” “what are people going to think” is just really freeing, especially in a country and culture where older people think they can dictate your fate. I think a perfect example is the fact that I was able to plan out my Thailand trip on my own and informing my parents instead of asking permission.

How old will you turn on your next birthday? I will be 26.

What is your favorite type of frosting for a cake? Chocolate or peanut butter.

Which department store do you shop at the most? I don’t really shop at department stores.

Where do you buy most of your clothes from? Shopee is the key.

Who in your family has been in the military? My maternal great-grandfather.

Have you ever volunteered at a homeless shelter, and if yes, what was your experience there like? Did you enjoy it? Would you want to do it again? I’ve never.

[modern-oedipus]

Personal update! I haven’t posted in forever on any of my online profiles so here is a bit of update on what’s going on. 💓

Life is life, typically, there are things that challenge me on a daily basis, just like there are things that excite me on a daily basis. I have graduated, so congrats to me and everybody who finished this journey! 🎉

I have yet to decide my Future Plans, it is so annoying to have everybody asking you this question when the answer is simply I don’t know yet. I guess this is what you get for being a gifted child who now graduated from one of the most difficult/complex majors to get into. Jokes on me, I decided I don’t even want anything to do with this major anymore! I noticed, through great misery, that I was only pushed to this major by the adults back then, for being Smart and Capable. Don’t get me wrong, I still love science and analytic thinking and I can completely relate to the evil scientists and/or Jakurai Jinguji, but I can’t imagine the rest of my life in a lab setting anymore. It turns out that I was Ramuda Amemura all along. It is a big pill to swallow. I don’t know what to do with this information, yet.

On a wonderful note, I have been pulled into the wonderful world of cosplaying by a mutual friend of me and my partner— and ever since I went to conventions not only by wearing the costumes but also role-playing as the character I dressed up, it has been so fun that I keep adding more cosplans and buying convention tickets! Of course, Ramuda is included in my cosplans and oh god, I have my Jakurai and my whole Fling Posse, which is f a n t a s t i c! I can’t wait to exhaust the hell out of my Jakurai (with full complete set of costumes & accessories we crafted, even their mics!) by so many couple poses 💓 JakuRamu is and will be canon in my universe by each and every aspect of them.

On a mental health update, according to my therapist, I am going on a healthy path. I only see her once a month now, while it is challenging and sometimes I wish I could afford weekly vents, she said that it is normal and healthy that the sessions gets less frequent after the intense 3-4 months of therapy is completed and that I can give myself permission to rely on my own decisions and have some mental space instead over asking my therapist about whether I’m doing things right. I guess, “Making The Wrong Decision” was my major life trauma that led to a bunch of very unpleasant things, so no wonder why I am so freaked out about the Future Plans. Except, me being freaked out can no longer avoid them.

I also drive a lot recently, hence the inactivity— can’t afford to check my phone in traffic can I? Since I’m not used to driving long hours, it makes me feel oddly tired at nights. I don’t collapse, instead I just binge watch Bleach to get ready for the upcoming arc and remember how I used to watch it when I was almost at the age of a toddler 😂

On a fanfiction update, I still want to update my fics, especially Home— add some JakuRamu one shots, conclude Rabbit Hole, and and— recently Mari and I had been talking about this and I really don’t want to leave Conflict unfinished, either. Even if I am no longer hyperfixating on TPN, Conflict has its most special place in my heart, its birthday is my secondary birthday at this point— even this year we threw a party for July 1st! So, yes, I want to update them too. I just don’t know how to make the time table for all of these— cosplans, socializing, driving, keeping up with friends and family, doing career druff, taking care of my dog and house and chores and reading real paper books and writing fanfiction and all— But on the other hand, I am really sick of the answer “I don’t know” that I keep repeating.

I mean…

If you don’t know, Grace,

How about you just… find out?

It can’t be that difficult to find out what to do. Even if you don’t like your major, you are officially a scientist now, the fact that you have become the dream job of your childhood cannot be taken away from you even if you pretend to be stupid to avoid certain responsibilities (winks at Ramuda, I know my love), so maybe just… find out. Maybe stop whining on the background like the female love interests of protagonists that everyone hates and actually get the wheel of your life..?? My lady? Please?

Oh oh oh! Also going on a vacation soon, a well deserved one finally! Forgot to update on that. Anyways! Long story short, since I’ve not been active and my inbox has a lot of pending messages, I just wanted to give a general update here. I can’t afford to invest so much time on social media nowadays— but since I do want to stay up to date with the messages and my fics, I will try to put in more consistent efforts for my updates. I can’t promise that I’ll definitely do it but I can promise that I’ll try. ❤️ Hope y’all are having a great summer too! じゃね！

[piratewithvigor]

Journey Out Of Darkness: The History Of Kane

Chapter 2: 20-20-24 Hours To Go...

Besides The Ramones, who ever wanted to be sedated anyway?

Last Chapter

Taglist: @the--blackdahlia @coffee-n-bagels-comic-universe

Abel Carrion was unconscious for six weeks.

Calls to clear the highway had allowed the EMTs to get him from Marfa to Big Bend Regional Hospital in Alpine in just about fifteen minutes, sirens screeching the entire way. It took the ER doctor there even less time to realize the burns he was facing were far beyond his ability to heal. By the time the sun began to rise, Abel was in a bed in San Antonio. He’d been choppered into the burn center at Fort Sam Houston, recovering from the first of what would be six skin grafts in all. Doctors had worked through the night to scour his body for healthy flesh that could replace what had been burned away. Abel knew nothing of his helicopter ride, regardless of how excited he would have been to take it even a few days ago, nor of the operations, his surroundings or the attention he drew nation-wide for his miraculous recovery. For his own sanity, the doctors kept him drugged. He needed to heal, which couldn’t be done when his mind was overwhelmed with the agony of the affair. They didn’t know he wouldn’t feel the agony. So he was drugged. He was unconscious.

He was dreaming.

–

He opened his eyes slowly, the fuzzy image of his dad coming into view. Dad was leaning over him, brushing the rusty-brown curls out of Abel’s face.

“Hey, buddy. How you feeling?”

Abel shrugged, still not feeling quite like himself. “Okay, I guess.”

He was four years old again, lying in a bed that felt too stiff, in Big Bend Regional, where was waking up after a day of being poked and prodded and tested by doctors who kept drawing blood and shaking their heads. At least it was over now.

His parents didn’t look comforted by this. Especially his ma, who was sitting on the edge of his bed and rocking, like she had a tendency to do when she was especially upset. With every new update from the doctors, Abel had assured her that he felt fine. She never seemed any calmer.

“You understand what the doctors were telling you?” Dad asked, leaning in close to him. That was how Abel could tell he was nervous. His dad never showed it otherwise. “What they were talking about?”

“Yes, sir. I do understand.”

“They call it HSAN. That stands for Hereditary Sensory and Autonomic Neuropathy. It means you can’t feel any pain.”

“I know, Dad.”

“Which means you have to be very, very careful about what you do. Pain is–”

“I remember,” Abel interrupted. “Pain is the body’s warning mechanism. I have to watch what I’m doing all the time, I have to be careful not to get into fights or play sports or do any of those kinds of things because since I can’t feel pain, I’ll never notice things like cuts or bruises or broken bones.”

That, at least, drew a small smile from Dad. “That’s right, son. That’s right. Exactly.”

Of course it was right. The doctors had told him that might be what he had when they first brought him into the hospital. Then every new doctor who did a new test and came to the same conclusion did the same. Some of them used different examples, or phrased it differently, but they all started the same way: telling him that pain was important.

“I’ll be careful.”

“This is all my fault,” his ma whispered, her face shielded by long red hair, as if she was hiding away from the reality of the situation.

“Now don’t start in with your crazy talk, Susanna.”

“It’s not crazy. Not crazy at all. My father. His father before him. My cousins. My aunt, my uncle, all the way back to–”

“Susanna Kane,” his dad said sharply. “How many times have I told you not to talk like that in front of the boys? Those ideas–”

“They have a right to know.”

Abel pulled his blankets up a little. He wasn’t sure whether his dad had been drinking yet today, but he didn’t always need it to be mean. Especially if he was stressed.

“It’s nothing they need to be worrying themselves crazy over like you.”

“It’s their family.”

“Susanna Kane–”

“She’s right, Dad.”

Abel lowered the blankets from his eyes and saw Thomas, standing at the door.

“We got a right to know, me and Abel. We got the blood in us too, after all. Maybe we got the curse too. Just like all the people in here.”

He was holding a book. A thick, wide one with a brown leather cover that Abel recognized immediately. The Kane family scrapbook. The project Ma had been working on for the last few years that traced her family history all the way back to Pilgrim times. She worked on it as often as Dad worked in the basement. In that time, it’d become– what was that word Dad had used? – an obsession of hers ever since…

Ever since he was born, Abel realized.

Now how did he know that?

“You are not cursed. The boys are not cursed. No one in your family has ever been cursed. Because curses don’t exist,” Dad said firmly. 

“How do you explain everything that happened? And now with Abel…”

“There’s nothing to explain. Bad luck with some of them, others had diseases the science of the time didn’t know about. It’s just genetics.”

“Kane family genetics,” Thomas pointed out. Dad glared at him. Lately, Thomas had taken a vested interest in the Kane family. He’d been helping Ma out with any research he could, pouring over history books and spending even more time looking at the scrapbook, analyzing every picture and paper kept inside. He spent more time with that book than actual schoolwork, in fact, that’s what Dad was always saying. Too much time. Wasn’t playing outside like a boy his age should be. He was going to get even more pale…

That didn’t seem possible. The longer Abel looked at his family, the more pale they all looked, how white their skin was. As white as some of the bodies he’d seen in the parlor, almost waxy-looking, like they weren’t real, like– 

A terrible feeling ran through his bones down to the marrow, making him shiver.

“Please,” Abel spoke up softly. “Can we not talk about the curse?”

“That’s my boy.” Dad put a hand on his shoulder and seemed to ease up a little. “Ain’t nothing mystical about this condition, this HSAN. Long as you’re careful, you’ll be more than fine.”

Abel nodded. Of course there was nothing mystical. Plenty of people had this. “More than you’d think,” a lot of the doctors had said.

“No fighting,” his dad continued.

“I know.”

“No sports.”

“Yes, sir.”

“And stay out of the sun whenever you can. You don’t want to burn. Getting too many sunburns could be dangerous. Very, very dangerous, you hear me?”

“I hear you.”

“You could crisp right up and never know it. Never feel a thing.”

Dad raised his hand and took a drag off his cigarette.

As quickly as he did– like magic, Abel thought– a nurse appeared behind him.

“Sir, there’s no smoking in here.”

Of course smoking would be forbidden; there were so many machines and tanks filled with gasses that could explode in an instant. His dad seemed to have forgotten.

“No smoking?” He looked down at the cigarette in his hand. “Oh. Right. Sorry.”

He dropped the butt on the floor, neglecting to put it out with the heel of his boot like Abel had seen him do dozens of times. Instead, it landed, bounced, almost in slow motion before it rolled just enough to rest next to the trailing edge of his blanket. The edge of the fabric glowed red and began to smoke.

There were a lot of words Abel wanted to use in that moment that he’d heard Thomas use before (and promptly get a lashing for). The only ones that came to his mind were ‘oh no’.

“Oh my. Look at that.” The nurse put her hands on her hips and shook her head, using the same disappointment Ma would every time she caught Abel getting a little too rambunctious. “Your bed’s on fire, I’m afraid.”

His ma’s eyes widened. “I knew it. You see, Tom? You see what I mean?” She stood and grabbed hold of Abel’s hand. “We should get going.”

“Well, shoot.” Dad was looking at the little fire with just as much quiet disappointment. “Seems you’re right, Susanna. We best get going.”

Abel began pushing himself out of bed, working through the exhaustion, but unable to move against the nurse pushing him back down.

“No, you don’t. We got some more tests to do.”

“Let me go…” Abel whimpered, looking down at the growing fire. “Please.”

The nurse shook her head, looking about as unapologetic as one could. “I’m sorry.”

“Abel, come on!” Thomas was standing in the doorway, holding it open with his back. Dad walked through it and disappeared down the hall.

“Dad!”

The fire was getting bigger. More of the blanket was falling away into ashes. 

“Come on, Abel!” Thomas yelled. “I can’t hold this door open forever!”

The nurse was still holding him down. All he wanted to do was get up and follow. His hand slipped free from his ma’s in the struggle.

“Oh, Abel.” There were more tears dripping down Ma’s cheeks. “I wish you could come with us.”

He didn’t want to stay. He didn’t want to be left behind. His own tears of terror began falling.

“I’m coming, Ma! Please don’t leave without me.”

She didn’t hear. Or didn’t listen. She was gone out the door with Dad. Abel met Thomas’s eyes one last time before he followed and the door began to slide shut.

Abel tried one more time to sit up. The fire was beginning to reach where his feet were under the blanket. The nurse pushed him back down, pressing on his shoulders. He struggled a little, but the events of the day had left him weaker than he usually felt.

“You heard your dad, Abel. No fighting.”

“But–”

“No fighting.”

He spent the last of his energy to squirm out of her grasp and make it to the floor. The door had been so close when he was in the bed, but without the extra height, the smoke in the room began crowding his eyes. He could barely see past his own hand. The nurse couldn’t see him and he couldn’t see her. Couldn’t see anything. Couldn’t hear anything except the crackling of the fire. He stumbled with his hands outstretched, trying to feel for anything. His hands landed on something rough and wooden. A stairway. The stairway at his house, back in Marfa. It wasn’t the hospital room on fire, it was his house.

With that, he remembered it all, and began to scream.

– 

At the nurses’ station, in the burn unit at Fort Sam Houston, the detector began beeping. It was a marvelous piece of machinery that let any of the staff know right away if a patient was awake. Sensors in the mattress sent a signal to a computer, which made a light flash under the number 41 on the board. The nurse on duty set down her magazine and frowned. The boy in room 41 was not supposed to be waking up. 

She made her way down the hall and adjusted his sedative drip to keep him unconscious– so his body could concentrate on healing. The operating room schedule said he was going to be getting another skin graft in the morning. The last thing he needed was to be moving around and draining what little energy his body had in the first place.

She knew his story, everyone in the hospital did. He’d been a minor celebrity for somehow surviving one of the most intense housefires their nook of Texas had ever seen, but it was still anyone’s guess how thrilled he’d be about it. 

In his slight shifting, the boy’s hair had fallen into his eyes. The nurse brushed it back gently, revealing his pale face. Thank God for small favors– at least the burns on his face were relatively minor. They’d likely fade in time and he’d be able to live a normal life, assuming he survived the next few weeks. Assuming anyone could live a normal life after their whole family had been killed.

“You’ll make it,” she whispered.

Abel shifted a little in his sleep, reaching out to the sound of her voice.

[orchardisland]

━━   𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐞 𝐞𝐮𝐧𝐬𝐨𝐥

Let me tell you the story of one of our unfortunate residents who seems to be UNEMPLOYED on the island. Fate has assigned this individual guidance from THE LOVERS REVERSED card. But they needn’t worry, their secrets are safe with me.

DOB: march 15, 1991 DEFINING TRAITS: keen, observant, amiable, volatile, rapacious, insecure RESEMBLES: actress kwon nara

YOU ARE PRESENTED WITH A PRISTINE DECK OF TAROT CARDS. TAKE YOUR PICK.

choose for me.

-

she’s had her fate read once. eunsol remembers it vaguely: age 13 with her best friends by her side at a local temple. the mudang at the time took her hand and recited the following: your future is set, you’re very blessed. you will have a husband and a child and love them both dearly—and them, you.

as you can see, here and now, why she won’t fall for it again.

“no thank you.” her tone is curt, on her mouth a smile that doesn’t reach her eyes. “i don’t believe in that sort of thing.”

THE CARD FLUTTERS TO YOUR FEET. WHO WERE YOU BEFORE THIS STORY BEGAN?

she’s never seen a thing more dead.

motherhood is said to be life-changing. the bond with your child unlike any other. it’s said to empower you—the act of having a child. nurturing it from embryo to baby.

eunsol reckons all this and more only applies if the baby itself is alive.

now, for all purposes, the baby (we’ll refrain from using possessive nouns, because it is, ultimately, anything but hers) is perfectly healthy; is by the books—round eyes, infectious laugh, and a head full of hair—a perfect baby. and in the arms of her father, grandmother, grandfather, uncles, and aunts, its the most loved soul in the world.

but to eunsol, to the mother, the mother whom birthed it to begin with—eunsol can’t even look at the ghastly thing.

it can’t be alive. it doesn’t feel alive. eunsol doesn’t care if her husband thinks otherwise, if her mother-in-law dubs her deranged, if the entire family gossips, and especially not if they ship her to a mind doctor for her aliment.

postpartum depression, they’ll call it. i’m telling you the thing is fucking dead, she insists.

why? why do you think she’s dead? isn’t it obvious? isn’t it obvious its not like us? you can’t tell from looking at it?

to her credit, she had tried. she’s tried to swallow her disdain and nurse the baby. she’s held it in her arms, pressed it close to her chest, allowed it to latch and suckle from her breast—no matter how much every fiber of her being revulsed at the contact. she’s tried to love it. just like her mother did her, held her in her arms and tried her best to pick out what’s worth loving in a child born out of one’s own volition.

but the thing is dead. unlike her, the thing is dead and it had no right to try and suck her livelihood. nor did it have any right in latching onto her family, her perfect life. one that she’d so painfully curated after all these years—a woman chasing a dream life she’s only ever seen in dramas.

but the thing—the thing has to go.

and this, eunsol’s made clear to her husband over countless arguments in the months following its birth.

it has to go. it has to. is it me or it?

evidently, as you may already know, it wasn’t her. and our forlorn mother finds herself shipped off further now, longer than a 72 hour hold, to the island of gwasuwon.

it’s for your own good, he placates; empty parting words that sound more relieved than it is sympathetic. words that sound more like a goodbye than a till-we-meet-again. you can come back when you’re better.

we all know how that’ll turn out.

[pastelpressmachine]

Never Have I Ever Season 3 is a hot mess (warning: spoilers)

After watching the third and final (?) season of Netflix’s Never Have I Ever, I am convinced that the writer’s room was arguing about which feedback to take in based on reception of the previous two seasons. I imagine people wanted to toss out and throw in as much as possible, with little consideration for the fact that there are only going to be 10 episodes that are 30 minutes long. You can’t introduce complicated conflicts and rely on time lapses to convey the passage of time and processing of change. It felt like a lazy, rushed group project.

Even though I understand that you can’t please everyone with your art/productions and even though I recognize important changes being attempted, season 3 fell flat and jumped the shark a handful of times. I almost wish it got a season 4 just to redeem itself and follow Devi Vishwakumar’s senior year. But I gave it two additional chances already to redeem itself from the stereotype-laden first season.

The show continues to center on Devi’s desire to lose her virginity before entering college, and now that she has snagged the boyfriend of her dreams, she faces the anxiety of actually engaging in sex. This was portrayed as authentically as it could be because the first time can be a nerve-wracking experience, especially when it feels like an expectation to sustain someone’s interest. When Devi sabotages her relationship via her own insecurity about her worthiness to be Paxton’s girlfriend, she shows how prolonged skepticism about what he sees in her, ultimately ruins her relationship. She gets in her own head and doesn’t trust that you can be loved for who you are. Even when she pushes her boyfriend to be ambitious, responsible, and accountable, she gets in her own way by not enjoying the best of what her relationship has to offer with Paxton repeatedly having to reassure her that he does find her attractive and they don’t owe anybody explanations for their relationship. But the power of unaddressed low self-esteem brought on by bullying, gossip, and internalized racism can fog up anyone else’s attempts at clarity, as we come to see. I was a bit annoyed, though, with Devi’s eventual post-break up acceptance of going back to being a “nerdy Indian virgin”. I can’t believe the writers chose to insert that into another season.

Satellite narratives were also messy and not given enough screen time or development.

There was so much more opportunity to explore the nuances of Manish and Kamala’s relationship, especially with Manish being less connected to Indian culture, which bothers Kamala’s grandmother as she perceives him and his family as people who gave up on thousands of years of generational culture. This is a real point of contention in Indian families. Arranged marriages to someone who will carry on the culture generations were raised on is a major stressor for a lot of contemporary desi women. Manish is just as Indian as someone who doesn’t speak one of the country’s dialects or practices all of the traditions.

Male characters being emotionally vulnerable and sharing when they feel insecure was great to see, and so underplayed considering they salvaged their own relationships with healthy communication!

Des was introduced as a hot Indian guy who thankfully called out Devi’s preconceived notion that he was going to be a socially awkward loser and he didn’t have time for another one of those Indian girls who “only likes white guys, and thinks all Indian guys are computer geeks or cheesy club rats who wear too much cologne”. (She denies it, even though it’s true, and this is one of the few moments I seriously connected with Devi because I’ve had this exact interaction with a Indian guy who called me out for having a white boyfriend.) As a teenager, I remember thinking the best thing I could do for my assimilation and acceptance was to have a white boyfriend and have sex. Even though this proved untrue, South Asian girls aren’t perceived in media as attractive or desirable or head-turning popular kids. So your association with those who are, when you are an insecure, misunderstood adolescent, feels like a solution.

Des and Devi’s relationship could have been an example of young, healthy, successful brown love, but they don’t make it. And I’ll give it to the show -- the reason why is pretty representative: the boyfriend doesn’t stand up to his mother’s judgments of his girlfriend. (This happens a lot with the mama’s boys of desi culture.)

Speaking of Des’s mom, Rhyah, I was so certain that the way she was inserting herself into Nalini’s life and asking her about her Valentine’s Day plans was because there was going to be a lesbian romance explored between the two moms! Why couldn’t the shock of finding out your moms are queer/dating be what made Des and Devi decenter each other as love interests?

I also appreciated the seamless introduction of a nonbinary/gender-fluid character (who is never really stated explicitly as such, which is great because it can be so cringey and contrived when that becomes a chunky plot point). They just slow-mo walk into the room with Des and his friend, Parker, and immediately catch the eye of Fabiola, who has just entered a new relationship with Aneesa who surprise-kissed her in the bathroom after a soccer game that her boyfriend at the time (Ben) wasn’t even paying attention to because he was wrapped up in Devi shenanigans again. Yeah. There are major relationship shifts happening in the span of individual episodes, with little room to explore the characters’ development of their own identities in relation to themselves and each other.

Devi gets into a prestigious boarding school towards the end of the season and spends time going back and forth between her decision to attend, which involves considering the factors of leaving her mom (after losing her dad and knowing life is short and unpredictable), leaving her friends (right before senior year), leaving her enemies-to-friends-to-lovers-to-enemies-to-friends relationship with Ben, and risking entering college as a “virgin-loser”, which remains a pretty big conflict for her despite everything else that has happened in the past two years/three seasons. Paxton somehow graduates, makes a heartfelt speech, including a thank you to Devi, and they seem to have found closure. Again, this is so rushed. You end up at the last day of school with no context other than the John McEnroe narration telling you so. And people are just dropping confessions and truth-bombs and alluding to other possibilities, in the last episode of a show that is supposedly ending.

The show concludes with something both anticlimactic and probably exactly what a lot of viewers wanted. The priorities revolving senior year and sex that are consuming Devi’s young life end up sorting themselves out, even if done in a frantic fashion.

I don’t know how official it is that Never Have I Ever isn’t getting a fourth season, but if they are, there is room to clean up storylines and answer a lot of questions that just weren’t given satisfying answers with this finale:

Does the back and forth between Devi and Ben finally come to a halt?

Does Trent (the character carrying the comedic part of this sitcom) become a more central character as he repeats senior year while Paxton goes off to college?

Were Aneesa’s compatibility results with the “random freshman” even true, and do we get to see her navigate her protective mom, strict Muslim/South Asian upbringing, comparatively lower level of excitement/enthusiasm to work rigorously to get into an Ivy League college, eating disorder (that came up in season 2 and was never brought up in season 3), and newly discovered queerness? She had so much to her character that was just given a blip in random episodes.

You can’t just introduce a new South Asian character every season, throw some love triangles here and there, and think you’ve had a successful run. Season 3 felt like a rough draft to me, and I wanted to believe that each season was trying to improve on itself and take in critiques or reconsiderations, which is why I kept watching.

I don’t pick apart shows that are largely marketed for their South Asian representation for any other reason than wanting stories to be representative, celebratory, and layered with nuance that is intentionally crafted and explored. If anything, I also develop the ability to push my own review writing and ideas for my creative South Asian centered work. Sometimes, I even imagine myself in the room with these producers and writers, framing my feedback for the benefit of everyone - the success of the show, the enjoyment of the audience, the impact of the story, and the experience of the team involved. I might be sounding over-ambitious to anyone who thinks I don’t have the credentials to be sat in that kind of room. But because productions like this matter to me, because I’ve studied this field, and created my own work that just doesn’t have an agent or money or all of my time backing it right now, of course I will channel the energy/time I do have into the hobby of review-writing and hoping posts like this stumble across someone who is changed, informed, and motivated by it. Will that person be a studio exec? I don’t know. I’m not writing off the possibility, though.

The final of Never Have I Ever just seemed like since maybe the creators knew this was the last season, they simply shrugged and threw something together because they started to care less about something that didn’t have a chance at getting picked up for another season anyways. And I would’ve liked for it to have been created and treated with the excitement and intention of a revolutionary pilot every single time. I think that’s the energy that needs to be behind projects that are doing cool things for the first time, like putting a young South Asian lead at the heart and center of a show with a huge, impressionable audience.

Edit/Disclaimer: I wrote this before reading an article about Mindy Kaling announcing Never Have I Ever had been renewed for a fourth and final season, stating one of the reasons was “the actors get older and it starts looking insane that a 34 is playing a 15 year old”, which by the way, was always insane. It was insane that a 30 year old was playing a 16 year old alongside a 19 year old actress playing a 15 year old. I can’t. 

[lovemesomesurveys]

What's a talent you wish you could have? I wish I had a talent, period. I’m lame. You get to be in any tv series or movie. (old/new) What are you choosing? I’ll go with Stranger Things since that’s my current obsession.  Finish the phrase: In a perfect world... I would be healthy and happy.  Have you ever told someone you loved them when you didn't? Yes. :/ Would you consider yourself misunderstood? I would. I feel alone in a lot of ways in regards to what I’m going through. I just feel trapped in my head and with my problems and it’s hard to explain what I’m feeling and thinking. 

Is your conscience clear? I have regrets and things I feel guilty for.  Do you meditate? No. What's your go to song when you're angry? I don’t have one.  What do you think about the most? My health takes center stage, especially now as I’m laid up in the hospital. It’s kinda hard to distract myself from it here. And also just my life in general and where I’m at in life.  Would you say that you're easy to get along with? I think so. Favorite part of your daily routine? My favorite part was always my first cup of coffee. I haven’t been able to have any in almost 3 months. D: Do you like horror movies? I love ‘em. To you, what is the meaning of life? To figure out your calling and do it.  Define art. I don’t know.  How can someone win your heart? Be a patient, understanding, kind, trustworthy, easy to talk to, good sense of humor, and shares common interests. I want a guy who’s up for takeout and binge-watching with me. One who understands my situation and is supportive and caring.  What is the best decision you have made in your life? Hmm. What is something you say a lot? ”I don’t know.” What's some lyrics from the last song you listened to? I don’t recall what song that was.  Are you happy? No. Do you have any experiences with a celebrity? I’ve met Jamie Lee Curtis and Drake Bell.  Would you ever consider online dating? Nah.  What year did/do you graduate high school? All the way back in 2008.  How would you like to be remembered? ”When my time comes forget the wrong that I’ve done. Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed. Don’t resent me and if you’re feeling empty keep me In your memory, leave out all the rest.” Good thing that happened to you recently? My birthday was yesterday and I was feeling sad because I’m laid up in the hospital, going through a lot, and on top of it I can’t even eat or drink actual food so I couldn’t even have something good to eat. I couldn’t do anything. But, my family is awesome and they helped make the best of the situation. My mom brought cute big birthday balloons and birthday hats and spent most of the day here with me. My brother came later with more balloons and then my dad came to spend some time as well. It was nice. Plus there was talk of future plans to celebrate when I’m able to and go somewhere. Hopefully that can happen. Anyway, it was just really nice of them. I’m so grateful and blessed to have them, I couldn’t do it without them.  What kind of cell phone do you have? An iPhone 12 Pro Max.  Do you wear make up? I stopped wearing it the past few years. 

[house-of-slayterr]

✨: do you have any advice to others (especially young people) about how to recover?

🌊: have you ever dated others with mental health issues?

My advise for recovery may be a little basic, but sometimes the simplest things are the things people forget the most. But just remember progress and recovery aren’t always linear. It looks different for everyone. Wether your improving your mental health, physical health, fighting addiction, relapsing isn’t the end of the world. So don’t beat yourself up about it. And anyone who does make you feel bad for it, isn’t worth keeping around, because they’re actually hindering your growth.

TW: Self harm and Assault

One of my primary addictions right now is self harm. Wether that be more stereotypical SH like cutting or burning. Or less traditional methods like forcing myself to stay awake, not eating, turning in assignments late, or throwing out projects I spent a long time working on because they “aren’t good enough”

When I first started the road to recovery it felt almost impossible. My therapist at the time wasn’t the best, and I felt like if I talked about it to friends and family I’d either trigger them or disappoint them. And everytime I “failed” I would relapse so much harder. Because I figured “we’ll you already did it, might as well punish yourself more” which wasn’t healthy in the slightest. But my new therapist taught me that it’s ok to mess up sometimes. What matters is that you’re trying and you want to get better.

One more piece of advice that I think is super scary. Reach out for help if you need it. It’s easier said than done. And sometimes things are going to suck and you’re gonna go to the wrong people for help. But don’t give up. There will always be a therapist, a psychiatrist, a medication, a coping strategy out there that is bound to help you. It’s exhausting but you’re worth all the effort you put into yourself. It’s ok to have to go in patient sometimes. It doesn’t make you a burden or a failure. It just means you need a little extra help, and that’s ok.

I have dated other people with mental illness before. Those relationships didn’t work out, and I don’t think it’s fair to say it was the mental illnesses fault. Relationships are complicated for me because I can’t tell if I’m aromantic, or if I’ve just had so many bad experiences that I’ve scared myself away from dating.

But I do think relationships like that can work out if your both in a good place. Or if at least one of you is. But if you’re both in a bad place, it’s better to wait and come back and try latter. My first girlfriend made me feel bad for things that I now speculate might be autism. Which is something about me I can’t change.

My second partner was a little worse for wear than I was. And experiencing one of their panic attacks was the scariest thing for me, because at the time I really cared for them. And the thought of them feeling that way made me panic and triggered my PTSD. That situation wasn’t safe for either of us. If my dad hadn’t been home it could have been very bad. But my ex was also manipulative. And they used their mental illness to force me to sleep with them, even though they knew from the start I was asexual and not comfortable with that stuff. They did stuff like threaten to hurt themselves or emotionally manipulate me into doing things.

They were my first kiss and now that experience is forever ruined for me. And my first sexual experience was also ruined because I was forced into it. I literally cried myself to sleep after and was so disgusted with myself. But they knew with my history of abuse that I would be easy to manipulate and with my self esteem low at the time they took advantage of that. But like I said, I can’t blame that fully on their BPD. Because that’s isn’t fair to people who have that disorder and don’t do those things. The same way I can’t hate all narcissist just because my mother was some and happened to be abusive.

So tread carefully when dating other people with mental illness. You’re not a bad person if you have to step back in any type of relationship to take care of yourself. Just as long as you aren’t a jerk about it. If that makes any sense. Sorry the answers got so deep but I wanted to answer them honestly.

[johnhardinsawyer]

Human Touch

John Sawyer

Bedford Presbyterian Church

2 / 4 / 24

Mark 5:21-43

Psalm 131

“Human Touch”[1]

(Can Be Holy Touch)

On a snowy day in Utah in September of 2006, I was riding in the back seat of a Chrysler Pacifica and was sitting next to a beautiful young woman with curly blonde hair.  It was close in that back seat.  We were close – so close.  But we were not touching each other – not our knees, or our shoulders, especially not our hands.  Oh, I wanted to touch her hand – to hold her hand – but I wasn’t sure that she felt the same way.  I mean, I thought she might want to hold my hand, but we hadn’t had a chance to talk about it, yet.  So we sat there, hearts racing, filled with the lightning-bolt-electricity of anticipation – anticipating the very possibility of human touch.[2]  

There is power in human touch.  Bruce Springsteen sang about it decades ago, but scientists, parents, and so many others have also known this for years.  According to one study in the 1980’s, premature babies in an incubator who are massaged as little as three minutes a day gain weight 47% faster than babies who are not touched.[3] 

Touch is a means of communication so critical that its absence retards growth in infants, according to researchers who are. . . determining the neurochemical effects of skin-to-skin contact.[4]  

The importance of touch doesn’t end with infancy, though.  Without touch, people become depressed and detached – children do not develop naturally, marriages can crumble, relationships can weaken, trust cannot be built, and prisoners in solitary confinement can go crazy.  Positive and affectionate, healthy touching, though,  can calm us, boost our immunity, and help our bodies produce good hormones like oxytocin and serotonin.[5]  Touch is a form of communication in which words are not used, but through touch, we are told – just the same – that we are loved, accepted, welcomed, comforted. . . and even healed.

About four years ago, this month, we started hearing about a virus called COVID-19 – something that kept people not just from touching each other, but even being in each other’s presence.  I can remember long months during the pandemic in which I did not hug anyone other than my family and times when I shook hands with someone out of habit, but then immediately thought, “Oh, maybe I shouldn’t have done that!” while I looked around nervously for hand sanitizer.    

In today’s reading from the Gospel of Mark, there is a woman who cannot be touched.  According to the laws of her people, everything this woman touched – from the bed she slept on to any place where she sat – would be unclean.[6]  People believed that if they touched this woman – or if she touched them – that they would be unclean all day and would have to bathe and wash their clothes.  So, no one wanted to touch the woman or even go near her – even let her sit down to rest.  She had spent all of her money on so-called “physicians” and had undergone unspeakable indignities by their hands but nothing they did helped her.  In fact, she had only gotten worse.  (Mark 5:25-26)

Imagine how hard it would be to watch someone you love suffer but not be able to touch them.  We saw this during COVID.  Without the ability to touch and be touched, it is hard to bring comfort, to show compassion, or to simply care for people in need.

The woman who could not be touched or healed had waited and watched for twelve long and dark years – for even just a little light to come into her life.  At first, I’m sure her family might have watched and waited with her.  But after a while, I imagine they drifted away because there was just nothing they could do.  And after twelve years, when she didn’t leave town (where else could she go?) the people in town just kind of let her fade into the background.  They would notice her if she ever came around, but what do you say when you feel so sorry for someone but just don’t have the words?  And how can you truly comfort someone if you can’t touch them?

The woman who could not be touched or healed had heard about Jesus, but she had missed the chance to see him.  He had gotten into a boat a few days before and there had been a big storm in the night and he hadn’t been seen since.  But suddenly one day a shout came from down by the shore and the news spread quickly that a boat had been sighted and that Jesus was in that boat.  People were relieved to see him because there was a little girl in the village who was sick – dying, even.  Maybe Jesus could do something about it all.  The crowd surged down to the shore and met Jesus there.

He had just stepped out of the boat when Jairus – the father of the little girl – pushed through the crowd and fell at Jesus’ feet.  “My little daughter is at the point of death.  Come and lay your hands on her so that she may be made well and live.”  He begged this of Jesus over and over, crying out from the depths of despair.  No amount of touch and care and love from her parents had been able to make the girl well, but perhaps Jesus’ touch could.  Jesus had compassion and so he went with him and a great crowd of people followed.  (5:22-24)  

The ancient streets of the towns and villages along the Sea of Galilee are quite narrow – only wide enough for two donkeys to pass each other.  So when the people began to crowd around Jesus, things became very tight very quickly.  In all the confusion of the crowd, the untouchable woman was slipping and elbowing her way to Jesus – bumping into people and sliding between them wherever there was space.  “If I but touch Jesus’ clothes, I will be made well,” she told herself.  (5:28)  Her hand was reaching and reaching for Jesus through the press of bodies and when she got close enough, for an instant, her fingers brushed against the rough cloth of his cloak.  And that was all it took.  The woman was healed.

Now, does Jesus heal everyone who reaches out to him?  Yes, but maybe not in the exact way they want to be healed in the moment.  The woman was healed and Jesus said, “Daughter, your faith has made you well.”  (5:34)  Does everyone who has faith in God get well?  Yes, but it depends on how you define “well.”  Jesus healed the sick woman and Jairus’ daughter but not everybody gets healed exactly like that.  Many of us pray for healing like that – crying out of the depths for God to do something.

Yet, God is doing something. . .  wherever human touch is offered in love, peace, reconciliation, justice, and yes, even healing.  It might not be healing that we can see with our eyes – like some miraculous medical cure – but to give the gift of grace to someone. . .  anyone. . .  is healing just the same.  It might not be the healing that we want, but it is the healing that we need – it is the healing that the world needs.

There are some who would say that we can still see the healing human touch of Jesus in the world because those who follow Jesus are still offering God’s Holy human touch – offering love, and hope, and healing, and food, and shelter, and comfort, and the gift of Christ’s presence.  I believe this is to be true.

The healing human touch of Jesus is seen and known right here as well when we walk through the doors of the church and greet someone in Jesus’ name.  Sometimes, the only time a person is touched in a kind way – all week long – is when they come to church.  And so, we who would claim to be disciples of Jesus share that touch when we sit with someone who is mourning, pray with someone who is sick, and offer ourselves in love and service to another person.  We aren’t just offering ourselves, though.  We are offering Jesus.

This is one reason why we lay our hands in the prayers of Ordination – trusting God to be at work through the Holy human touch of prayers lifted with gratitude and hope.  When someone is set apart to serve God in a particular way, their touch has power.  But Elders and Deacons aren’t the only ones whose touch has power.  Each of us has been blessed with gifts by the Holy Spirit – gifts that work through hope, and faith, and love through our touch, and our prayers, and our help, and God being present in our physical presence.  

And so we come to this Table, trusting for God’s presence to grant strength to our physical bodies, drawing us together as God’s people – Christ’s Body – so that we may be sent out to serve with our minds, and hearts, and bodies.  There was a woman named Teresa of Avila who lived in Spain 500 years ago, and I think she said it better than I ever could:

Christ has no body but yours No hands, no feet on earth but yours, Yours are the eyes with which he looks Compassion on this world, Yours are the feet with which he walks to do good, Yours are the hands, with which he blesses all the world. Yours are the hands, yours are the feet, Yours are the eyes, you are his body. Christ has no body now but yours. . .[7]

Jesus Christ, who embodied love, loved the unlovable and, with his very human hands, he touched the untouchable.  And his love and touch brings healing in this life, but also – and perhaps, more importantly – in the life that is to come.

There is a woman who goes to visit her mother-in-law almost every week – when she can – in the nursing wing of the retirement home.  Both she and her mother-in-law worked hard on their relationship over the years but there were sometimes frustrations and disappointments on both sides – the kinds of things that happen even in the best of families.  Her mother-in-law does not remember or say much these days and does not recognize her anymore.  She has very expressive eyes, though.  There is not much conversation that takes place – most of the conversation is one-sided – but there are always hugs, kisses, and handholding. Every few visits, the daughter-in-law will kneel down and gently rub her mother-in-law’s feet with lotion and lovingly and carefully trim her mother-in-law’s toenails.  It is not always pleasant work, but sometimes, when she does this, her mother-in-law’s eyes will light up and she will smile and utter the only words she will say for the entire visit:  “Thank you.”  There is power in human touch – healing power.

There is power in human touch – more power than we will ever know.  May we use it well for Jesus’ sake.

In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.  Amen.

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[1] Adapted from a sermon preached on June 28, 2015 – JHS.

[2] We eventually held hands and now are married.  J

[3] Goleman, ibid.

[4] Goleman, Daniel.  “The Experience of Touch:  Research Points to a Critical Role.  The New York Times.  February, 2, 1988.  http://www.nytimes.com/1988/02/02/science/the-experience-of-touch-research-points-to-a-critical-role.html.

[5] Narvaez, Darcia.  “Are You or Your Child on a (Touch) Starvation Diet?  Psychology Today.  September 26, 2010.  https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/moral-landscapes/201009/are-you-or-your-child-touch-starvation-diet

[6] See Leviticus 15:19-31.

[7] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Teresa_of_%C3%81vila.  This quote is “attributed” to Teresa of Avila but does not appear in any of her surviving writings.