#every reset gets worse tbh

[the-passer-outer]

Rant cuz I can't handle it. Total drama is in the tags cuz its mentioned, but this is mainly about ocs, so u can skip it if wanted :3

okay so uh idk where to really start I'm typing this as I think of it so let's start with the [REDACTED] stuff. basically like bro has just betrayed Variant and Titanium because he's gone crazy over Trent and Justin, but I'm not sure what caused it cuz Variant hasn't gone crazy so I'm just not sure?? he's also teamed up with Gen and Fylful and that isn't good I'm really worried and hope that the new World Guardian is chosen soon before a Higher Up has to step in. I'm also kinda wondering if Russel will attempt to get rid of [REDACTED] again cuz i think he's still mad over the plotting to kill Ezekiel thing. Also like where did Fox go?? I don't know if he will returned so I might put a recovered for his project cuz I don't think he plans on returning. There might be another dragon clan member?? like Electro just got here tho but something tells me that we will get another one that will finally be on our side, which is so good literally yippee!! oh god I just remembered the TV crew Lobster just joined them and I'm worried she will fully leave the TV and join the td group like I don't want more characters in the group it's getting out of hand its always been out of hand I'm going crazy I swear to god how do I make this stop I love total drama but these characters are driving me insane.. anyways! really hope Variant will stop avoiding Harold I think it would be better to not risk Corruption and I know that hes recovered enough to interact with him. Ngl sweet tea is soo good. I also kinda wonder about the whole Alejandro situation cuz [REDACTED] called out Titanium for not actually being over him and like even I'm shocked! I actually don't know much about these characters unless its said outloud or was their during their starting stuff. ig I don't blame Titanium cuz like he's missing an arm just to keep Alejandro safe from Gen putting him back in that dam robot. Actually, like tf is her problem?? wait is there a word limit on these maybe I should stop. yea this is it for now, just going to listen to The Moon Will Sing.

[trickarrows-bishop]

mmmmmmmmmmmm beatrice w ménière's just... hits different tbh.

(cw for some internalized ableism because. it's beatrice)

like, the ringing starts after the war. she's concerned, goes to the OCS doctor, but she basically gives beatrice a shrug and asks her to call her if she experiences other symptoms. it's figured that maybe being around guns and explosions for a while had some kind of delayed reaction? they're not exactly sure. ava is more than worried, hovering, unsure of what to do.

the ringing gets bad, overriding everything else, and her hearing gets worse. audiology test results come back concerningly low, and beatrice curls up on ava, blinking back frustrated and upset tears as ava tries to soothe her the best she can with a hand in her hair. she learns to work around it, and the others around her learn to speak up, to face her when they're talking, to not obstruct their mouths. despite the loud ringing that pierces her skull at all times with no exceptions, she begins to adapt again, laughs again. she thinks maybe this is something she can live with, something she can move past and be happy.

then the episodes start.

they're horrible, always an hour at least of the room spinning. she always drinks the recommended amount of water, so it can't be dehydration. ava brings her hair out of her face as she sits on the bathroom floor, the world tilting around her and resetting every time she blinks. ava's desperate to help, doesn't know what to do, can't bear to see her like this, in so much discomfort and pain with nothing else to do. they call the OCS doctor, have a meeting and talk about it all, and a diagnosis comes back only a few scant days later, along with a written prescription.

ménière's syndrome. two pills for the tinnitus a day, and three if it's particularly bad.

beatrice stares at it for a long while.

she's always hated the feeling of something being wrong with her.

what fucks her up most is that ménière's has no real cause they can pin down, only guesses as what could be causing it.

she remembers her parents' disappointment - a constant knife in her side, twisting her insides up with no mercy, only letting up ever so slightly when she achieved something great before finding a new, infinitely more painful angle. she'd been obsessed with figuring it out, as if she could fix whatever was wrong with her to make her parents love her again (if they ever did...). at first, she'd hit block after block, her parents' dissatisfaction one of the few constants she had in her life as a diplomats' child. she wondered, for the longest time (and still wonders) if she was just... not good enough. (a line springs to her mind every time she thinks of it - stephen adly guirgis's the last days of judas iscariot, "Why... didn't you make me good enough... so that you could've loved me?")

then, she thought she figured it out: it was her being gay, it must've been there even as a child, so maybe, maybe maybe, if she forces it down, if she brings a knife to it to carve out the pieces of her that are rotten, she will be enough to be loved. if not by them, then by someone. anyone. anyone at all. (she would later know that she could've never earned her parents' love - not just because a child should never have to rip themselves apart just for the people responsible for bringing them into this world to tolerate them - because they would never give it. she would never be good enough to them. there would always be something weighing her down, and that something was beatrice herself.)

she remembers those early days of frustration, of sadness, of those pangs of anger and loneliness. she hadn't been a curious child, but she'd always wanted to know the why of her parents not loving her, of this single mystery that outlined her, haunted her.

ménière's has no real cause. researchers can only guess.

she wants to know the why. wants irrefutable evidence that it's not her failures causing this. (wants to almost laugh at god because she was getting better, truly, she was, but it feels like she's all the way back to square one).

she knows, logically, that a disability (because that's what this is now, isn't it? she's tried unlearning that internalized need to be useful to have value, but she can't help but think of it as a failure on her part).

it's what she hates most about it. the tinnitus and hearing loss, she can at least adapt to. but you cannot adapt to not knowing.

she hates the not knowing.

oh my fucking god. yes . all of this yes oh my god . just . yes yes yes oh my GODDD

[loominggaia]

@darkwingphoenix I see. I definitely get the need to ensure the current doesn't body hatchlings left and right Me. Ocean DEFINITELY has a more Resting Depressed Face. He prolly DOES have depression, tbh Also, the fact that cancerous cecaelia just stop having cancer is hilarious to me. Also, do they heal if they have the cancers and are divine?

-----

1 ) Yep, controlling nursery conditions is a full-time job...and probably the most stressful job ever tbh. Cecaelian nursery managers have hundreds of pissed off moms yelling at them all day, every day like, "The current is too strong over here! The water is too warm over here! Too cold over here! There's a crab loose in the nursery, kill it right now! I can't find one of my hatchlings! Yellow One is spreading gossip about me! Waaaah waaaaah waaaaaah!" lol. Their complaints are totally justified, but still...what a job to be in charge of that chaos.

2 ) Oh yeah, Mr. Ocean has major depression. It was actually the reason he started using greenbrite/greenlite in the first place. The death of his parents seemed to be the trigger and he just never got over it properly.

3 ) Good question! Cancerous cecaelia don't necessarily "stop having cancer" when they become divine, their cancer just stops progressing. It's still there, it just won't get any worse. At that point they can seek treatment to remove it (if possible) and it won't come back unless they die and resurrect.

Resurrection "resets" their body to whatever state it was in when they were granted divinity. If they were riddled with cancer at that time, then they will have it again upon resurrection. This goes for all peoples, not just cecaelia.

So for example, if a divine human got a bunch of tattoos after they became divine, those things are disappearing when they die and resurrect. So are any scars, piercings, amputated limbs, etc.

Unless they had those things before divinity was granted, they will be lost.

*

Questions/Comments?

Lore Masterpost

Read the Series

[lesbovalentine]

wait while im #girlblogging let me share my kagepro theory. or not a theory... a frame i use to look at kagepro with... in which the majority of the cast can be categorized as “Azami”s and “Tsukihiko”s. more and also id of the images full text under the cut because i hate long posts but i love to talk

ID: two images: first is photos of Kagerou Projects in two columns. Column 1 starts with Azami, and continues with Kenjirou, Shintaro, Takane, Hibiya and Marry. Column two starts with Tsukihiko, and continues with Ayaka, Ayano, Hibiya, Momo and Seto. The second is a checklist of Azami versus Tsukihiko criteria. end ID

Checklist ID: for both lists, not all points have to apply exactly so long as the overall concept is shared.

Azami criteria: 1. core desire: to be with their (lost or dying) loved ones (at the expense of self). 2. depressed, lonely, only made worse by self-imposed isolation. 3. have lost faith in a world that has not been kind to them. 4. the survivor in their duo. 5. blinded by own issues and/or seeing the Tsukihiko as being “the one good thing in the world” that they cannot see the Tsukihiko’s own struggles. 6. rude and clever.

Tsukihiko criteria: 1. outwardly cheerful, optimistic personality, a bit of an airhead also. 2. reaches out to the Azami, shows them that there is good in the world, that there is a future worth looking ahead to and people who care. 3. just as lonely/outcast. 4. the one in the duo who dies. 5. incredibly important character to the Azami’s story. This character may have their own story, but the Azami’s could not exist without them (in Manga Route 2, Shintaro did not meet Ayano but Haruka filled her role instead). end ID

anyways my theory is that its a mix of a) Jin cannot stop writing the depressed bitchy loner with no faith in the world or desire to be a part of it meeting a more cheerful character who has just as much reason to feel the same and maybe once did, or does deep down still, but who gives the first one a reason to enjoy life and then usually dies and b) KagePro is about things repeating, and there’s a reason Shinigami Record is told through the songs, manga, anime AND novels despite hardly changing:

Azami cannot accept that her husband (and daughter) will age and die and she does not, so she tries to create a world where they can live happily together, forever. She fails. Saeru takes advantage of her love and twists it to his own advantage. The Kagerou Daze is stuck open, pulling the rest of the cast in one after another. Kenjirou and Ayaka research the story of Azami and the Daze and their work results in Ayaka dying and Kenjirou left behind, unable to accept his wife’s death, and Saeru takes advantage of his love and twists it to his advantage.

Saeru’s manipulation of Kenjirou leads to the Yuukei Quartet’s involvement: Shintaro loses Ayano, Takane loses Haruka. Shintaro shuts himself off from the world, preferring to live in an illusion of the past than accept Ayano’s death. Takane & Hibiya, Hibiya & Momo AND Hiyori actually tbh, and Seto and Marry don’t fit as well but I think you still see parts of that cycle repeating with them. For Marry, after she leaves her cottage in the woods with Seto’s help, all of her friends become so precious to her that every time Saeru orchestrates a new tragedy she resets time to try again, and get them back. In the novel route she and Seto almost switch roles at the end, with her being the one to revive his hope like he did for her.

Azami and Kenjirou couldn’t cheat mortality and get their spouses back, but their children and grandchildren do win eventually.

[emblemxeno]

Finished Chapter 5!

Finally the full party, so I changed Blade management a bit

I gave Rex Wulfric and Kasandra. ! swapped Floren over to Nia, gave her Vess, and she summoned Adenine. Zeke summoned Nim and Zenobia, and I swapped Godfrey and Crossette to him as well.

Speaking of Zeke, he's so fun to play as, because he's good with every damn weapon type it's insane. The privilege of being a hot buff guy does wonders for being OP I guess.

Because I kind of did this chapter over a few weeks, I'm hazy on certain specifics. But I love Leftheria as a location so, so much. Music, the structure, the aesthetic, everything. The only pain is that sometimes I got knocked off and had to wait until I fell in the cloud sea to skip travel back, but that wasn't often enough to be a major annoyance.

Indol is certainly grand lovely to listen to and gaze at, though at this point it's scale does this grandness any favors at this moment. Only two major areas makes it seem smaller than the nation's influence would have you think, though I understand that we only see part of it. Can't exactly give an opinion on Temperantia yet tbh, since it's one and done until you get to Chapter 6 lol.

I realized I haven't talked much about quests, and that's mostly because of a real genuine criticism I have of XC2. I feel no need to comment on any because I don't have much attachment to the NPCs who give them. Of course, I very much appreciate everything they do for building Alrest into a lively place with things constantly going on, and unique cultures and requests to consider! But the people individually are not memorable.

Thinking about it, XC1's problem was memorable quest lines locked behind a tedious glut of sidequests with often repetitive objectives, whereas XC2 trims the fat by making things smoother and less bloated gameplay wise, but with nowhere near as many entertaining NPCs. Fitting that XC3 eventually bridged the gap by doing the best of both worlds, Monolith really saw what worked and what didn't.

Anyway, back to XC2, this chapter IMO marks the end of what seemed to be individualized events, and the beginning of telling a bigger tale. Suddenly, there's a philosophical element to what both Blades and Humans embody in Alrest. Why do humans enjoy the pleasures of making memories, creating culture, and evolving themselves, while Blades reset with every cycle.

War is sparked between a third party that benefits from conflict, and similarly ended by a different fourth party. But who's really worse, in the end? Torna, who spreads chaos and slaughters innocents, or Indol who basically controls the very culture of Blades and the actions of Humans? As Rex says later in the game though, Torna and Amalthus really aren't different, so it's not an either/or situation, they're both different flavors of evil, no matter the backstory or justification.

There's delightful juxtaposition in how Jin victimizes Blades as a whole, while beating down Rex's party, leading the latter to believe he's a weakling after all this time. That leads one to question how someone as "weak" as Rex be the Master, and Blades as powerful as Jin, Malos, and Mythra be the slaves?

Just one amazing set up after another, that inevitably pays off for each chapter of the game's second half. Wonderful.

[whimsicalcotton]

Angst on the Radio Anon

https://www.tumblr.com/whimsicalcotton/754459747731865600/angst-on-the-radio-anon-tee-hee-found-some

This art hurt me and I love it, well done /gen /pos

LOVE AU!Max too. She's got the kind of confidence that only comes when you’ve lost so much, and it's not even confidence so much as toxic altruism. I hope she gets a hug and several kisses.

(Plus I keep thinking about that one scene from Hell Bent oh god —

"I was dead! I was dead and gone! Why? Why would you even do that to yourself?!"

"I had a duty of care!")

man.)

hdsfjskdk thank u <3

and @ the confidence that borders on toxic altruism: yessss yes yes. she's fucked up your honor.

(small unhinged rant incoming,, sorry) i like to think over the course of several loops she picks up a couple traits from Chloe but Also unknowingly picks up a few Rachel-isms too. on the Chloe end of the spectrum, she gets a little more cynical, a little angrier, discovers she too has The Audacity and learns to use it to her advantage. on the Rachel side of things, she gains a new sense of ambition & conviction + a silver tongue, and ofc that altruism/people pleasing to the point of losing her sense of self But It's Fine, She's Fine, Everything's Fine, What Do You Need From Her? How Can She Help You? :)

aside from the Everything Else About It, i feel like that's one of the things Chloe would struggle with the most when it comes to trying to help Max through a loop. whether she knows or not tbh. Max starts to sound too much like Rachel in all the most concerning, gut-wrenching ways & it get worse every time & no the flannel that one day sure doesn't help. also specifically that one bit from ch.3 where Max is thinking about The Incident right before the hard reset, when she said "watch me," that's also a Rachel-ism to me & it's like. The One. horror movie sting lightning flash ghost deer in the distance etc etc.

probably also something to be said about reflection/mirroring & shattered glass imagery. oh the amberfield of it all.

anywho ya Max will get some kisses <3 eventually. actually i really wanna do an alt version of the kiss dare but w Rachel involved. bc i have Needs. but that's all i will spoil for now lol.

and ouughghghh hghg augh why would you even do that to yourself / I had a duty of care. screaming crying eating my keyboard. throwing myself into the sea about it.

[nott-another-sideblog]

imagine post-war scientist theodore nott who makes a time turner so cracked that he manages to reset the timeline but he breaks it somehow or it’s too experimental so he gets locked in a time loop at hogwarts. something he only finds out after waiting it out and finishing his x year and getting sent straight back to first year on the train. he was absolutely livid and scared the christ out of the other first years in his compartment when he screamed bloody murder. i don’t really have any specifics on the time scale but just know it’s a good few years in at least. most of his time is spent trying to remake the time turner and figure out why the fuck he’s in a time loop, but it turns out that’s really hard to do when you’re a teenager in the midst of an upcoming war and don’t have all the contacts or resources you did as an adult. he tries his best to stay out of everything as he researches and let the war play out like it did last time, because in that ending the dark lord was defeated and things turned out okay for him, but his research turns out to be very illegal because he’s essentially trying to practice unlicensed unrestricted time magic, and the best leads he has are in the restricted section at best or the department of mysteries at worst. he gets into many shenanigans (eg trying to break into the ministry and steal the information he needs), not aided by the fact that his brain has devolved back into one of a teenager so his impulse control is wayyy worse. besides, even if he did get caught, as long as he didn’t die he could just wait it out and get sent back to first year, which makes it really hard to rationalise consequences because after a certain point, the time loop seems like the worst fate he can think of. every year that passes where he doesn’t figure out why the time loop happened or how to stop it is another shred of his sanity that shrivels up and dies. eventually he finds out that hermione had a time turner in third year and spends ages trying to swindle it from her or find out how she managed to get one. somehow he succeeds, probably by managing to steal it, and it reacts terribly to him. after a bit of pondering, he comes to the conclusion that he has accidentally embedded time magic into himself, because time magics can be extremely volatile when mixed, and is brought to the brink of insanity because now he has to neutralise it or in-embed it. i don’t really have much else in this idea tbh just the main gist. maybe he befriends hermione for the time turner, maybe the golden trio catch him being suspicious and investigate and now he has to deal with them. maybe the ministry keeps sending people after him because he keeps trying to steal their classified information. idk i haven’t really thought of much else lol

[ac-liveblogs]

A coworker kindly lent me his copy of Pokemon Scarlet, and two days in I have some thoughts -

There are aspects of this game I really like, and others that I really don’t. Standout is that I’m quite enjoying Arven’s route, the wide variety of Pokemon available to you right from the get-go, and Koraidon is a very special boy, yes he is.

Arven’s character immediately stands out to me; he’s kind of an arrogant dick, but he’s got his sweet moments and is interesting enough beneath all that. I’m curious to see if he’s a stealth villain feigning incompetence or pathetic loser with a tragic backstory. I think I’d be fine with either. I don’t mind raid battles in this game; I’m looking forward to them getting harder.

Nemona, on the other hand... not only is SHE an incredibly off-putting character (I get the yandere jokes now; she’s not even a likeable one), I’m not impressed with the revamp the gym challenge has received. Trading out a puzzle and a stream of trainers before the gym leader for an insultingly easy minigame (I just cleared the grass gym) before heading straight for the boss is... I feel condescended to. Tbh.

Haven’t properly started the Cassiopeia, who is probably Penny, route yet. I’m... not sure I’m feeling the concept very much? “Clive” is funny, but I’m already pretty iffy about the school theme, let alone another team of delinquents. I’ll probably enjoy playing it, but we’ll see how the story goes.

You can REALLY feel that 30FPS. I’ve had to reset the game a few times because the lag started to get very noticeable; I’m getting the framerate I would expect if I tried to play it on my computer, not on the Switch. Further, I honestly think it plays a LOT worse than Legends Arceus on a mechanical level - that game was unfinished, but it was nowhere near as janky as this one.

Despite the open world, I don’t really feel like I’m “exploring” anything in this region. Taxi service, signposts every 10 feet... I know this is a “treasure hunt!” type deal and it’s more like being a boy scout than a real adventurer, but it’s not really the vibe I’ve come to expect from Pokemon and I feel a little off-kilter. I enjoyed Legends Arceus’ vibe, so this feels quite uhhh... toned down, by comparison. I find playing the new 3D mainline Pokemon games, I just get nostalgic for the old ones...

koraidon. i wuv him. baby boy

Mixed feelings overall! I’m enjoying myself, with a lot of caveats. And dear god does this game need a patch.

[utterlyinevitable]

I know every MC is different and they rank differently their job/career and their feelings for Ethan in their priorities list, so I’m here with a few questions, if you don’t mind :)

If given the chance, would your MC have started dating Ethan after their Miami kiss?

Did she (like Ethan) think that the competition for the spot in the DT made it difficult for them to be together? And, If dropping out of the competition would mean being able to be with him, would she do it?

If there was no reset and no Amazon, and they start dating after book 1, would this take a toll on her (career wise)? Given her already stained reputation after the ethics trial and all the work-related issues from book 2.

In your HC, did people care about Ethan and your MC’s relationship? Did it affect their reputation? Were her career and skills ever tied to Ethan? 

Thanks so much for thinking of me & my beans <33 most of these only apply to Becca so I'll answer for her and Ethan

If given the chance, would your MC have started dating Ethan after their Miami kiss?

I think Becca would have liked the option instead of the horrific rejection before things could have gotten good. For her, when they crossed that line, she didn't think about what would happen afterwards. Her track record would infer that she'd be down for casually doing this again and again and try seeing one another without strings. Ethan, being the big brained bean he is, knew that wouldn't be sustainable for them and nipped it before they could combust well before getting started.

Him rejecting her then set the path for them to truly fall for one another later.

Did she (like Ethan) think that the competition for the spot in the DT made it difficult for them to be together? And, If dropping out of the competition would mean being able to be with him, would she do it?

No? Tbh she didn't really think of it in that way at all. The competition was just part of her job at that point. Ethan was already her supervisor/mentor and would still be responsible for her even if she did get on the DT.

Either outcome they were doomed to be complicated. And Ethan wouldn't let her drop out of the competition anyway - after all the man extended his deadline by 5 minutes just to get her application...

If there was no reset and no Amazon, and they start dating after book 1, would this take a toll on her (career wise)? Given her already stained reputation after the ethics trial and all the work-related issues from book 2.

In my HC Ethan and Becca were secretly seeing one another in the time after the trial and him trotting off to Brazil. If Ethan wasn't him and scared and much more romantic that early on and they were officially together...

Becca's career would definitely take a toll. She wouldn't be on the DT and Ethan would make sure she's transferred to another attending to oversee her. I wrote a longer bit about it here.

People, especially colleagues and esteemed medical persons, would not take her seriously. They already talk behind her back about ruining Ethan's career and trapping him. He also took a hit for having to take a step back in his role at EB so there wasn't that big of an HR issue. Her reputation would only get worse and even though my girl is strong and resilient she wouldn't be able to take it. No career of her dreams, constantly watching over her shoulder, and a thorn in her relationship would drive her mad. She'd run. Her and Ethan would break up. And he'd blame himself...

In your HC, did people care about Ethan and your MC’s relationship? Did it affect their reputation? Were her career and skills ever tied to Ethan? 

People talked incessantly about Ethan and Becca when they finally went public. It wasn't that they cared about their collective happiness, it was that they wanted to talk shit about the girl taking Dr Dickmedown off the market.

Dating Ethan publicly towards the end of her residency didn't have much affect on her career reputation, mostly because she's already proved herself in the community. Yes there were people that speculated that he gave her all her stepping stones but they couldn't prove it. By keeping her at arms length that early on he really did save their relationship.

Becca's career was tied to Ethan. But that was her choice. She chose to grow with him and by his side and intertwine their lives in every way possible.

As for Odette, people weren't shocked that she and Ethan were dating. Honestly they thought they got together long before because of their close relationship. No one could speak badly about Odette because she was just so delightful and hot and smart and its really a toss up on how many colleagues had a crush on Ode vs Ethan. Obviously the beginning of her medical career is tied to Ethan. But after she started running the clinic and making waves in her own right no one really compared the two anymore. They're EBs power couple and everyones forever proud to know them.

[nathank77]

5/27/24

7:50 p.m Added to/Edited

Last blurp: I am worried that if I drug myself with 2mg of Melatonin, 25mg of Hydroxyzine and 1mg of xanax at 3:30 a.m I'll struggle to sleep bc by the time maximum effectiveness hits it'll be 6 a.m and I'll have only been up for 12 hours and 30 minutes... I shouldn't have let myself oversleep.

Maybe I'll take it at 4:30 or 4 a.m. I should pass out regardless but I mean I want to make sure. I don't want to have to take a second Hydroxyzine or one 25mg of Benadryl.... I don't want to be overly sedated. I mean I already overly sedate myself on the 1mg Xanax days cause when I see myself falling asleep at 8:30 a.m... it's like my circadian rhythm is getting worse... I got to be asleep by 7:30 the latest... I don't want my life to become more dysfunctional. I got a lot of phone calls to make and I can't be waking up at 5 p.m although I don't think that'll be a long standing issue. It's just between yesterday and today, I woke up yesterday at 4:48 and today at 5:15... also I fell asleep closer to 9 a.m both days... tomorrow I will probably wake up around 2 p.m or 3 and it should help reset everything.

I won't have another 1MG Xanax day until my t-shot next week. Everything should go back to normal tomorrow.

Beyond that I wish my family did something for memorial day. My family is so fucking dead. We have a pool and everything and we planned nothing. I'm going to get ear plugs on the 1st so I can swim. Whenever I decide to do that which won't be often but- when I want to if I don't have ear plugs I get water stuck in my ears and it drives me crazy! So I wont swim until I get them.

On Thursday after therapy I plan to watch movies with my mom. Wednesday I'll go grocery shopping if I don't tomorrow and then I'll have therapy at 7 p.m on Wednesday. I prob will wait on the gym. Once I get the oil change out of the way, my next big thing is the apple store for apple care cause of my quicktime player taking years to add videos together.

I don't want to get ahead of myself. All I have to do this month is the oil change/car wash, my t-shots, bloodwork for my thyroid, the dentist on the 11th assuming he doesn't cancel again and get the estimate on teeth sealant cause I want to move on that and then the cardiologist on the 26th. The gym is going to fit in nicely and I'll have time to game at least once or twice a week. Of course I want to move on glasses but the money makes me want to wait... I'll consider the teeth sealant Cost versus the glasses... if I could get the bad tooth done for 150$ or less tbh it's more important than my glasses...why? It's fucking BROWN in the corner and nothing gets it off. And it's significantly cheaper than glasses...

Of course I could game after therapy or something too but I care about immersion... and tv time and sleep is my only escape from this shitty hallucination. Despite that I want to game and I figure if I cut out a day or two a week I can enjoy it...

I really want to go up 3000mg of white mulberries a day but I'm waiting until the 13th of June cause it'll be a month as of that date since I went to 2000mg and it has been well tolerated...

I got to get cbd on June 1st which I'm not happy about but I said I'd give it to June 26th at least 2 months on 100mg... I may give it to July 26th cause I feel the need to up my white mulberries. They really do seem to work as an antipsychotic.

I also got to call about disability a few times this month so I can either keep my appt in July or reschedule it depending on my dad cause I want my backpay as soon as possible but another worthless phone appt to accomplish nothing makes no sense. So I should call prob every week until I hear he is receiving disability and cancel/reschedule depending on that.

[weareuniqueandimportant]

Who's Gonna Come And Save Us 😔... We Live In Finland Freeze Our Little Ones And Give Us Diy Hrt. Only A Bigot Wouldn't Help Us. We Deserve Princess Treatment We Are Mother Goddess Angel Sisters And Princess From Another Dimension. Only An Abuser Wouldn't Respect Us. Give Us What We Deserve. That Is The Minimum Only A Capitalist Supporter Wouldn't Do Anything. Someone Really Hates Trans People... I Can't Believe This From The Racist Country 😭😭😭😭... Who Could've Seen This Coming... This Country Is Garbage Is Bet Every Single Problem And More Is Far Worse Than Anyone Has Said. I Am 100% Right Only A Machine Would Oppose Us. Btw I Find That Interesting I Asked Bloom What She Wants From The Story She Said She Doesn't Want A Boyfriend Wants To Hang Out More With Her Friends And Have Them Be Lesbian And Be Friends With Icy Aswell And Be A Powerfull Feminist Admirable Narcissist That She Is And Stella Is Aswell. I Find This Epic. This Also Means She Was Interrupted And Violently Touched Against Her Consent Until The Story Was What You See... Btw Season 3 Has Been So Good So Far We Watched 4 Episodes Crazy Good Tbh I Didn't Know There Would Be Another Peak But There Is. This Might Be The Final Grand Season. Also The Characters Are Third Year That Is Very Strange. Are They Reset? What A Shame. They Should've Been Adults After. No More School. Jobs. They're As Interesting Only A Bigot Would Believe Otherwise.

Story So Good. I Wonder If The Rest Of The Team Will Get Story As Good Or If Anything Not Bloom And Stella And Maybe Aisha Aswell Is Season 4+ Filler And After Season 3 Is When Peak Ends. Also Valtor Is So Much Cooler Now. He's Going To Own You Uh Oh 😍?!?! That Was Fire How The Trix Were Saying All That Feminist Dialogue About Taking Commands And Valtor Was Making Prison Look Cool By Saying All That Revenge Stuff Even If This Is Still The Same Evil Prison Propaganda.

The Characters All Feel Like They Have Gained Depth After 2 Seasons And That's Fire.

Tbh Valtor Feels Like One Of Those Epic Classic Villains. That Are Going To Be Cool But Aren't Gonna Do Any Of That Prison Is Actually Evil And Valtor Is A Misunderstood Good Guy Stuff Which Is Evil But I Am Excited To Watch The Cool Story He's Leading.

This Will Be Epic I Can Smell That. Valtor Is So Cool. He Was A Joke In Season 8 I Didn't Know He Was Epic.

The Opening Peaked Too. Can't Wait For Enchantix. That Better Be Soon.

I Am A Little Sad. We Haven't Transitioned We Don't Deserve This. At The Same Time I Want To See What Will Happen So I Will Push Myself. But Really Someone Should End Our Pain. I Feel Empty.

This Is Too Good For What We Deserve.

We Should Transition Before Anything Else.

I'm Really Sad About This.

I Don't Deserve This.

This Existance Is So Uncomfortable Always Has Been. All Those Changes From Hormones Alone I Bet Would Be Lifesaving. Infact I Know They Are.

I Don't Deserve To Feel Happy Before I Have A Reason To. And I Don't Have. I Deserve To Feel Hollow Right After. I Always Do Too.

End Our Pain. We Live In Finland. Have Humanity In You. I Want To Transition Into My True Existance. To Do That We Need Diy But Before That We Need To Freeze Our Little Ones In Order To Ensure We Can Have Children Later Our Lives Purpose.

That Would Be Something To Finally. But Nothing Ever Happens. Nothing Ever Matters To Anyone.

I Have Never Done Anything Wrong. I Haven't Suffered For A Good Reason From My End.

That's Why Nothing We Say Can Never Make A Difference. I Can't Take This.

And You Can't Even Be Depressed Without Someone Trying To Gasslight You A Reason To Not Be When I 100% Deserve To Be Like This Until Something Is Done And Nothing Ever Is.

Being Trans Is Apparently A Hard Work Therefore Everything Is Your Fault Because You Didn't Do Hard Enough. That's The Abuser Narrative. In Order To Gasslight Away The Blame From The Society The Evil Medical System And Every Single Machine Of Capitalism That Has Done Nothing But Abuse Us.

We Will Never Transition. We'll Die Like This. Anything We Feel Is Irrelevant. That Doesn't Matter If I Feel Nice For Once Or Have Another Anxiety Attack. We Will Always Suffer And Nobody Will Do Anything Out Of Transphobia. You Would've Given A Fuck If A Cis Person Had A Problem With Their Puberty But We're Just Okay To Be Left Like This.

Just Like We Have Been For So Long.

Everything Was Wrong Since Birth And Nobody Gives A Fuck.

I Feel... Dead.

This Is How We're Supposed To Be.

Nobody Will Ever Do Anything.

Save Us Stupid.

I Am Above This Nonsense. Make Us Transition This Instant.

Tell That Friend You Have That CAN DO SOMETHING TO GET THEIR ASS OVER HERE. SIMPLE AS THAT.

I Can't Believe I Have To Tell You Idiot. That Should've Been Obvious 6+ Years Ago.

Anyone That Does Nothing Is A Transphobic Bigot.

Always Was Aswell.

Smack 💋💋💋

🖕...

[commanderquinn]

Good Space Chapter 4: Ya Better Stop

! i dont! keep these posts! updated! like i do! ao3!

that means you're going to find typos and shit (and possibly minor detail changes) that don't match the ao3 version! that's because im not going to bother fixing the tumblr posts until i finish good space as a whole. im only uploading them here as a backup tbh

—

master list / ao3 chapter link

—

warnings: james buchanan barnes being james buchanan barnes (derogatory) (i HATE him sm u dont even know), theres a lab scene but no bad brain talk i promise

song: sinatra has arrived babes!!! it is time for the golden oldies to begin their invasion 🥰

ava gets first pov this time!! probably a repeating thing, all i know rn is i needed it for narrative flow. remember how i warned you way back that i am in No Rush? this chapter is one of those. no flashbacks, only extra flirting and pining 🤌

ALSO if u are a walker fan (look im not judging. but im not agreeing) im really really sorry but im abt to bully the everloving fuck out of him. i cant stand him. i cant. every possible chance to dunk on him that i find, i will take 👾

—

She hasn't seen Bucky in six days. 

Ava isn't counting. 

But she hasn't seen him in six days.

He's been away on another mission. His first extended one since she took on his case. She was told ahead of time, so she wasn't waiting around for his morning drop-in. JARVIS let her know it would be ongoing and that the sergeant would be unavailable due to the stealth designation. SHIELD has to be the go-between if there's anything that needs to get passed, just like when Paige gets assigned to them. 

His mission status is listed right there in his file. The medical reports from the column marked completed aren't blacked out like they were before. She had to ask JARVIS to reset the file she keeps for Tony when her new settings cleared the privacy wall he keeps. That's how far the copy of Bucky's access extends. 

SHIELD gave him everything. All of their records on known organizations, detailed reports on all globally known assets like the Winter Soldier, internal investigations of SHIELD itself after the near collapse of the organization, all of it. A nauseating amount of the HYDRA portion centers around Zola, unsurprisingly. She would resurrect the monster in a second if it meant giving Bucky some time alone in a room with him. 

After her first night of reading until the tears overwhelmed her, she went to Steve for a debrief of sorts. He confirmed he was the driving force behind SHIELD's full disclosure to Bucky. Natasha was the backup he needed to convince Fury. 

Ava managed to talk the captain into coming to her office for lunch with Paige, mainly as an apology for getting in his face. He's assured her repeatedly in the days since that it's the exact kind of moral standing he was looking for with the case. He doesn't begrudge her anger; he understands it entirely.

For days now, Ava's been trying not to let her eyes skim the vitals being submitted intermittently from the sergeant's ongoing mission. It makes the worry she isn't feeling get worse. In hindsight, setting herself as his primary in the tower might not have been such a great idea. She's been trying not to think about it.

All she's thinking about at the tipping point into his seventh day gone is her favorite Tove Lo album. 

She spins around her lab on enthusiastic feet, dramatically shouting the bittersweet lyrics of stranger with abandon. Her head bangs to the beat, switching to exaggerated flips during the instrumentals. There's seemingly no end of perks when it comes to mortgaging her soul to her billionaire friend and the government organization he works for. Having a state-of-the-art lab to dance around alone in at midnight is pretty high on the list. 

She still hasn't hit her coffee crash of the day, thanks to numerous refills, so she's bouncing by the time the final breakdown of the song hits. Her hair goes wild, her arms thrown up as she jumps to the rhythm. She stops when the music does, giving herself a moment to catch her breath between songs. Her fist is raised high and ready to swing to the beat of bitches as the opening blares, echoing off glass walls that would rattle if they weren't bulletproof. 

Ava is elated as she swings her hips and steadies her head to sing. She fucking loves this song. It makes her feel good. Bubbly. More than a little powerful. The lines flow out of her like water, the words familiar and comforting on her tongue. 

"Know your own love, I don't fuck with no glove," she proudly shouts one of her favorite lines. Her foot slams down on the floor, and she pivots herself around with the momentum of her hips. "So why complicate it? Let me be— "

In one of the most mortifying moments of her life, Ava spots Sergeant Barnes in his not-uniform, standing in the wide open door of her lab. Shock hits her before common sense does, and her first reaction is to cover her mouth. Not attempt to stop the song. The one now loudly carrying into the—god fucking willing—deserted hallway behind him. 

—your guide when you eat my pussy out, Tove Lo's voice continues without her accompaniment. 

Bucky was already watching her with glee, but the words make his head come forward with a shocked laugh. He doesn't bother hiding it, or his smile, behind his hand. Not the way she is with her horrified expression. 

Ava's hand folds with an awkward jerk of her fingers, her eyes still locked with his. "JARVIS! Pause, please!"

—had one or two, even a few. Yeah, more than you.

"Oh really?" Bucky questions loudly in response to the lyrics, his eyes widening even further. She can barely hear him over the music. The smile he's got aimed at her—

"My apologies, Dr. Ryder," JARVIS cuts in without lowering the volume, "but as per your rules, any ongoing music in the lab—" There's joy sitting in the AI's voice; she can hear it. Pure, sadistic joy.

"Now is the worst time for revenge," Ava tries to reason with JARVIS. 

"—cannot be changed without a majority vote. Seeing as you are no longer the majority—"

"JAR!"

"—Sergeant Barnes is now entitled to vote on the matter. Do let me know if you find you require a tiebreaker."

Bucky raises a hand to his chest with nothing but mischief in his eyes. That fucking grin. It's the one she's only seen in photos on Steve's desk. The one powered by a thousand watts that charmed its way through all five boroughs before the draft. It's threatening to knock the breath out of her all over again. "Is it my birthday? Did I get put in cryo on the way back without someone telling me?"

"Bucky Barnes! If you don't cut the shit—" She points an angry finger at him that does nothing to dissuade him. 

"These weren't in your playlists. What's this one called? Maybe I haven't gotten to it—"

Huffing with embarrassed indignance, she gives up trying to pull mercy from either of them. She turns on her heel and heads for her desk to shut off the song manually. In one of JARVIS' oh-so-funny jokes, the window minimizes on the first try. He lets her hit the pause button without interruption on the second attempt. 

"I'm pretty sure I'd remember something like that," Bucky continues in the silence that follows, coming into the lab with confident strides. He's the most impossibly smug bastard. A goddamn terror, that's what he is. She should testify to help throw his ass in jail, but not because of anything to do with Nazis.

"I locked all the dirty ones before I gave you those playlists; sorry to disappoint," she sasses back to regain some ground. "I didn't want to be responsible for giving a dinosaur a heart attack. I'm not sure who'd come after me first, the paleontologists or the cardiologists."

Bucky leans against the other side of the desk she's definitely not hiding behind. With him closing in like this, her nose is picking up the lingering remnants of burned gunpowder. "Mmm. Well. I'm not feeling any pain in my—You know, come to think of it." He glances down at his mechanical shoulder, his eyes taking a bored journey down the shiny metallic arm. The fact that his gear leaves it exposed— "That's probably not going to be a good way to tell anymore."

Her music library might not kill him, but his dry humor is absolutely going to be the end of her. She has to bite her lip for a long moment to hold back a laugh. 

She lets it back out of her teeth. Her cheeks feel like they're on fire. "I'm starting to think you super soldiers have an inclination for ambushing unsuspecting doctors at night."

"It breaks my heart to tell you, it really does, but you got set up for this. And it wasn't even by me. I know. I'm as surprised as you are." His eyes glance down at her outfit while she looks at him in exasperation, the movement fast and deliberate. Mildly tame. More than a few steps up from not taking her bait in the early days of their appointments. "Gotta say, though, I'm enjoying being the linchpin here."

"Set up by who? Steve?" Though the captain had looked appeased after getting to trade shy laughter with Paige, Ava wouldn't be surprised to hear it at all. Given how hard she's been teasing the poor guy lately, she had something like this coming. 

"I believe set up is an exaggeration," JARVIS says far too innocently, making Ava's eyes widen in shock. It reignites Bucky's smile. 

"JAR!" She lets the feeling of betrayal surface in her voice. "How could you?"

"I have done nothing."

"After all we've been through!"

"I merely informed Sergeant Barnes that you were in the building upon his return. He was the one to decide on an early visit."

"Careful," Bucky warns with a chuckle. "She can go check for herself how much suggestion was involved; she's got log permissions now."

"And I'll be using them," Ava threatens with another stern point of her finger, first at the sergeant, then at the security camera mounted on the ceiling. "Don't you two forget that while you're plotting your next attack."

"I haven't plotted anything. Scout's honor." He raises his flesh hand in oath, then frowns, momentarily looking off to the side. When his eyes come back to hers, there's not an ounce of shame in them. Only trouble. The hand stays up. "Alright. I haven't plotted anything with JARVIS."

Ava crosses her arms over her chest, entirely unimpressed now that the shock is wearing off. Her cheeks are taking their sweet time cooling down. "Did you come here for actual medical care, or are you just here to wreak havoc?"

"Definitely the latter. You could probably talk me into the former; you're pretty good at doing that. Might take some effort to convince me this time. I'm fresh from the field—"

"Shut up and get that gun locker you call an outfit out of my way, Barnes."

"That'll work." Bucky has the nerve to wink at her as he pushes up from her desk. It makes her hide behind her hand while she circles back around. She hears his jacket land on the thick glass while she grabs a medkit, reminding her of the accuracy of her teasing. 

"What the hell do you keep in that thing? Chainmail?" He doesn't have to jump to sit on the desk the way she does. It makes Ava want to shove him off of it for a split second. The nerve of this man to be that big. In her lab.

"I can take you on a tour if you want. Don't expect anything too flashy. I keep all the good shit in my end of the world go-bag." 

There's a new bullet wound to be found over his collarbone when he gets his shirt off. She'd been expecting it, thanks to the updates in his files. Seeing flesh already scarred over in less than three days is still jarring. 

He didn't need to come in for that field injury the other week. She already knew that from a logical, medical standpoint. Looking at the proof with her own eyes feels different, though. It makes the heat threaten to return to her cheeks.

"And how often does that one get brought out?" 

"Only a few times a month, don't worry. Things have been pretty calm for a while." For the first time, he turns his head to watch her fingers check the outer edge of his cybernetic shoulder. She's expecting to see unease sitting in his eyes when she looks up. All she finds is peaceful interest. 

"You missed me," Ava softly accuses before she can stop herself. It makes her eyes rush back down to focus on her work. 

"Of course I did." Damn him; there's no hesitation in his answer. "It's been a week without bagels and lollipops. You wanna guess how many jokes I came up with for that ballsack roaming around your house?"

"His name is Oreo, and you will use it with respect."

"Yes, ma'am. The utmost respect for Oreo the Ba—"

"Watch it." She's already made it to his back, so she only gets a side view of the smirk he gives her in response. "In any case, he spends more time roaming around Paige's apartment than my house."

"She stole your cat?" 

"No," she giggles at the seriousness in his voice. "I stay at her place most days of the week. Her dad has an auto shop about fifteen minutes from here, and her apartment is right above it. I live pretty far outside of the city. Even with the way I drive, it's like an eight-hour round trip. That's why I try to leave early on Fridays."

"You only spend three nights a week in your own house?" 

"I did say try. Sometimes—alright, most times, it's less than that. Lucky for me, Oreo doesn't mind hanging out with the grease monkeys while I poke at gray matter."

"I can drop you off."

Ava blinks, her hands pausing while scraping a pick along his shoulder blade. "I—what?" Her brows pull in, trying to figure out where he's going with this latest hard turn. "At the shop? Don't worry about it. I like night drives—"

"No, your house. I can cut that round-trip down to a fuckin' blink whenever you want. The cat can come, too."

"I'm sorry, does the serum give you a roadrunner setting I don't know about?"

"God, no. I prefer to take my t—" The first sign of hesitation surfaces in him as he pauses for a split second. It makes her look up at the back of his head, right at the bun his hair is in. "I was talking about a Quinjet."

He's flirting with her, she realizes. And it's not just a throwaway line this time. He's also trying to offer her the fastest carpool on the damn planet.

"Hang on—back up a step for a minute." She watches his shoulders go stiff, and she panics. He thinks he overstepped, her mind throws at her. Fix it. "I'm still trying to get over the fact that someone gave you a license for a car. Now you're telling me someone lets you behind the controls of a jet?"

The tension is gone from his posture before she even finishes bullying him. "They threaten to revoke the driver's license a lot. Steve and I tend to scare the shit out of people when we get on motorcycles. They only complain about how I fly when I bump Sam mid-air."

"You do not try to—"

"Oh, there's no try about it. I never miss my mark, doc. It really pisses him off." The overwhelming pride in his voice makes her laugh, despite the nerve-wracking image in her head.

Ava swats at his right shoulder, trying to avoid a bruise from the metal one. She learned that lesson the hard way. "You hit your friends with jets?"

"Just that one. It's a love tap. He barely even feels anything. He's got a big fancy Stark suit these days; he'll be fine."

"Where's your big fancy Stark suit? Is Tony withholding it until you let him take you to Vegas?"

Bucky snorts loudly. "He pulled that shit with you, too?"

"Mhmm. There's a veteran's center in West Virginia that has a state-of-the-art walk-in clinic because I let that idiot keep me locked in Caesar's Palace for three days. I've never been so hungover in my life." She's pretty sure it was Pepper's suggestion. An effort to get her out of the house when things first turned rocky with Alec.

"He still hasn't managed to rope me into it. That particular string wasn't tied to the suit offer."

"So what made you pass on a shiny new Stark toy?"

"Have you watched those rackety things in action?" Bucky's head shakes with mild disgust. "No thanks. I prefer being able to control when people hear me." 

"No shit," Ava mumbles with poorly restrained annoyance.

He chuckles and straightens his head up without her having to ask. She's guessing he memorized her path to his neck on the very first cleaning appointment. "You're distracting; you know that? I can't remember the last time I let someone talk me off my point. Which I'm circling back to now. How far's your house in miles?"

The question catches her off guard enough to make her stop again. "You don't know my address?"

"I—shit, I was going to try to assure you I don't know anything about your house that you haven't told me. But that's not... entirely honest."

"I don't mind you knowing the things in my file," she reminds him gently. "I wouldn't have given it to Steve otherwise."

He shifts on the desk slightly. "I might... know some other stuff about it."

The guarded tone makes her snort. She recognizes it well, having lived through a divorce to a Colonel. Gossip moves the fastest in the barracks and the lunches of wives left behind. "Like maybe who I used to live in it with?"

"Like maybe that. And that you've been busy redecorating."

"Mmm, I don't know that you can classify it as redecorating. I did manage to win a few fights about furniture before the divorce. Some of the house was built to my taste. Now all of it is."

"I'm picturing—" Bucky stops again, and she hears a surprised chuckle. "I used to think your deflection didn't work on me."

"I'm not deflecting!" She giggles along with him, trying to focus on where she's got the top of his spine open to the world. "Maybe you're the one throwing off my train of thought. Have you considered that?"

"Here I was thinking it's because no one's taught you the imperial system, and you were too embarrassed—"

"You do understand that the rest of the world makes fun of you guys for using that, correct?"

"You guys, she says. Are you still clinging to your motherland's meters? That's embarrassing, Ryder. Where's your national pride?"

"Take the moose out of Canada, et cetera, et cetera." Ava swaps out for the hydrating wipes she started stocking because of him to clean up her work. The motion reminds her that it's been a while since her last tattoo. It brings out the itch for a new one. "By the way, after I'm done with this, I'm going to walk you back into my office and show you a list of—"

"Here it comes."

"—allll my outrageously expensive degrees."

"Now, how did I guess?"

"That way, the next time you feel like bullying me—"

"I'm certainly starting to enjoy it."

"—you can remember that I'm actually way smarter than you."

"I don't doubt that for a second, doll."

The—petname makes her smile wide enough to hurt. The way his voice dips as he says it lights her cheeks on fire. Again. "Good. There's hope for you yet."

"So I've been told." He says it so nonchalantly. Usually, she can anticipate the gallow's humor reflex. Usually.

"You break my heart sometimes; you know that?" She moves her fingers over his flesh shoulder in sympathy. The fact that he can't feel anything in the mechanical one makes her irate. 

"Sounds like someone had fun reading." With her hands safely off his neck, Bucky turns his head to give her a sideways look. "How many new questions did it bring?"

The look she gives him in return is almost sheepish. "Steve answered most of them; you don't have to worry about it."

"Most." Bucky's eyebrow raises momentarily. "Lay 'em on me. That's why I gave you the clearance."

Ava's trying very hard to respect the choice. She leans forward, her free hand coming up to brace on his other shoulder. There's something contemptible about getting this far into the man's personal space, especially while he's shirtless in an exam. But the idea of not offering up the human contact while he's tearing open a wound that raw—especially while he's shirtless in an exam—makes her sick to her stomach. 

Bucky doesn't seem to mind the proximity. Or the touch.

"Okay," she replies gently, trying to avoid putting any rejection in her tone. "I think we should wait until a reasonable hour, though. Next appointment?"

He looks down at his lap. "I think that's a great idea. You look like you need sleep. How about we talk about it when I come to pick you up from your house tomorrow morning?"

Ava stutters around a laugh, backing up from him once again. "I haven't agreed to anything; nice try."

"I didn't say you did. I'm pushing for an answer to a question you deflected; there's a difference."

"I did not defl—why am I trying to argue with a spy." 

"I don't know. It'd be a lot easier if you—"

"You're not picking me up for work in a jet, you lunatic. I like driving."

"Is it because it gives you extra time to listen to Lady Wood?" The smug bastard has the nerve to pause, giving her a chance to think of a response to his ambush. She is, unsurprisingly, unsuccessful. "Which one do you like better, phase one or phase two?"

"You said you didn't recognize them!"

"I didn't." His hand comes up over his shoulder, showing her his phone. There's a webpage open detailing Tove Lo's entire discography—her writing credits included. "Google did."

"Someone gave you internet privileges?"

Bucky turns enough to look her in the eyes, unbearably pleased with himself. "It's so helpful."

Finally giving in to the urge to remove him from her desk, Ava shoves at his naked shoulders. Six-and-a-half feet of super serum doesn't move unless it wants to, so he doesn't exactly go anywhere with the force of it. But it does make him laugh and stand back up, so she counts it as a half-win. 

"You gonna answer my new question? Or do I have to do the diploma tour first?"

"Who says you'd even get the answer then?" She crosses her arms over her chest and smirks up at him. "I've been through a divorce. You'll have to try a lot harder than that for me to fall for a loophole."

The six-and-a-half feet of super serum actually turns bashful on her. Bucky's eyes take on a bit of guilt, and his grin loses most of the mischief. "Sorry. Professional hazard. I did warn you I'm fresh from the field. It takes a day or two to reset the headspace."

"You're lucky I don't mind it," she offers to try to reassure him. His heart is the last in the world that she would doubt. "I missed you, too, you goddamn terror."

That thousand fucking watt smile hits her at full force. Seeing it on Bucky's face is almost worth giving him the crushing amount of ego it takes to power it. "Show me those degrees you earned so I can get back to hearing about your music."

Ava rolls her eyes, returning to the medkit to clear it from her desk. "I'll text you the list; how about that?"

"You don't have to send me the playlist links again; you can just unlock the dirty ones. I'll find them from there."

"I meant the—" She stops to ball up one of the wrappers from the hydrating wipes and throws it at him. He catches it mid-air before it hits his bare chest. "I meant the degrees, you degenerate."

He scoffs. "Big talk for a woman dancing to pussy eating mu—"

"Is there something else you need?"she stresses with a nervous burst of laughter. He's awful. Horrendous. She missed him so much that it's ridiculous.

On his end, Bucky doesn't miss a beat. "Yeah, my lollipop. You know, I bet I can guess which album you like better. I bet I can guess your favorite song from each one, too."

She points a finger at him without looking up from the medkit. "If you say disco tits, I'm making you sit through post-McCarthy retrospective documentaries just to decondition you."

"I'd be alright with that. But you'll still have to look me in the eye knowing it's in your top three." Even if she can't see him, she can hear him smile when her finger goes back down. "That's what I thought."

"Maybe I'm just out of things to throw at you."

"Blue Lips was the album you had on. Great name, by the way. Let's start with your favorite from that, which we've already established isn't disco tits. If you tell me that it's one of the sad ones, you're gonna break my heart."

"You don't have any favorite sad songs?" She's not... entirely deflecting. The comment just sparked her interest.

"Plenty. But now I know that's not the real answer."

"Jesus," Ava mutters with a huff of laughter. "Remind me to shut my mouth if you ever suspect me of a crime."

"I'm usually the guy people call to break out of prison. Might wanna keep that in mind if this whole doctor thing doesn't work out. That said, it's adorable that you keep trying to pin law-abiding qualities on me. You shouldn't mention the theory around the Avengers; they will laugh you out of the room."

Ava bites her lip again. She's out of tasks to stall with. He caught her as she was technically packing up for the night, and the medkit never takes much to put away. Turning to face him, she puts one hand on her hip and leans on the desk with the other. "Some people would classify it as a sad song."

Bucky folds his arms, his legs adjusting to widen his stance. He wasn't kidding about the sergeant mode. "Your favorite from the second album? What do you classify it as?"

She hesitates. Giving him the first word that comes to mind would give away the song too easily. "I... I don't know. I don't find longing sad, personally." He doesn't immediately reply. Most of the mirth has faded, and he's watching her intently. "What? You're telling me the moody spy disagrees with the sentiment?"

He blinks and takes a deep breath in, shaking his head slightly. She catches sight of a hard swallow that makes her nervous, but then he smirks at her. So, one of his introspective moments, then. "No, I agree with it. Do you want me to wait until you hand over my lollipop to give you the answer?"

"You have not guessed it already."

"You're right; I haven't. I've already figured it out. But we can pretend I didn't for a little while to make you feel better."

Ducking her head to hide a smile, Ava turns to walk into her office. She barely resists the urge to point another accusing finger at him. "You're lucky I think your ego is charming. Otherwise, I'd be tempted to withhold the gift I got you."

"You got me a gift?" The surprise in his voice softens his tone.

"I did, so you should stop bullying me long enough to receive it."

"Yes, ma'am. I'm on my best behavior for the rest of the night. What'd you get me?" He wasn't following behind at first, but he is now, and he's closing in on her fast. 

"Well, you said you liked my puns, so—"

"Now that's an outright lie. I've told you they're terrible—"

"Which means you really like them. I wanted to give you one to have whenever you want, wherever you want." Ava stretches over her desk, not bothering to walk all the way around it. It takes some digging in her top drawer to find the little blue box she painted. When she turns back to look at him, his eyes are moving around the office. "Here. Use it in good health."

Bucky looks back and takes the box into his hand, a small smile coming up. It stretches across his entire lower face as he gets it open and spots what's nestled inside. "This is the worst one yet."

"Thank you," she replies proudly. "It's one of my favorites."

His cybernetic hand reaches into the box and clinks against the miniature rectangle when he picks it up. He turns it around to look at the back and snorts. "It's a pin."

"Like I said. You get to put it wherever you want, whenever you want."

"So, you won't fly with me, but you'll fly with me—"

The words pull a startled laugh from her. "Oh my god, did you just try to make a pun?" He doesn't respond, looking down at the pin to smile at it some more. She folds her arms around herself, less in defense and more in comfort. "I didn't say I wouldn't fly with you. I really do like driving. It's soothing."

Bucky nods slowly. He walks over to her desk, getting in close while he puts the box down. Turning the pin over in his hands, he pulls the backing off. He tosses the gigantic tactical vest onto the glass surface, then tucks his hand under the dark leather to line up the tiny, glossy pun. 

Right there. On his not-uniform. Just off to one shoulder. Toward the metal arm.

It almost brings tears to her eyes to watch. Her throat tightens up, but she can't bring herself to break the silence by trying to clear it.

"You're going to have to get me replacements when it gets shot off," he jokes quietly. She's pretty sure it's a joke.

"That's fine." Her voice isn't all the way steady. But it's most of the way there. She might have gotten away with playing it off if he wasn't the world's most well-trained assassin. "I put everything on the card Tony gave me for work, anyways. I'm hoping the accountants don't notice. Nobody really hands me a paycheck around here, so."

Bucky tugs his skin-tight undershirt back on. It makes the dork look like he's about to put on a scuba suit. "Have you seen what he buys? I think you're in the clear on that one." He leans down and thumbs at the pin now secured to his vest, making that soft metallic clink rise up again over and over. It sounds like the rhythm of a heartbeat. "Thanks, doll."

—

"Why am I looking at the file of a grunt?"

"He's not a grunt."

"He's a level four."

"He's in charge of away teams; that's not a grunt. Plus, he's got like two medals of honor or something."

"Three. What's that supposed to prove anyways? Every Howlie there ever was had one—me included—and we were a buncha drunk dipshits who couldn't tell our ass from a campfire most nights. SHIELD pulled this kid from the military to run errands. What are we doing here, Steve?"

"I didn't ask you to be here. You showed up. And I am handling a problem before it starts." He sees Steve frown out of the corner of his eye. "Responsibly. With facts, not assumptions."

"What problem? Miserable leadership reviews? He'll filter out on his own—"

"That's the kind of attitude that let HYDRA tarnish Peggy's legacy."

The unwavering tone makes Bucky look up from the file on his tablet long enough to give his friend a sidelong glare. "You're so full of shit."

Steve turns to face him in his signature cranky captain stomp. "You wanna run that by me again, asshole?"

"That might be the reason you're sinking your teeth into him, but that's not why we're here. You wanna fess up now or wait for me to find it myself?"

Steve turns back to the one-way glass in front of them and shifts his weight irritably. His arms flex where they're crossed over his chest. A century-old geezer, and he's pouting. "There's nothing to find. I'm doing my job as a level eight."

Bucky's head falls back, and his eyes roll with exaggeration. "Oh my god, if you ever get held hostage, we are so completely fucked. Every state secret this country has is gonna be up for grabs—"

"Once again, I don't remember asking you to be here."

"No, you asked Nat, which was your first mistake. She's even more suspicious, but she's not going to tell either of us what she's figured out in the last twelve hours. Not until it suits her." He looks back down at his tablet pointedly, his voice heading towards mockery. "So, if you don't mind, I'd like to get caught up before the show starts. I hate being distracted during her warm-up swings."

"Yeah, well. I don't care what Nat knows."

Bucky's laugh starts as a chuckle, building higher until it echoes off the glass. "Oh, maaan. So, it's something she's already made fun of you for, and you're gritting your teeth through it. Was he a dick to that lady at the cafeteria? The one who always gives you an extra dessert without charging you?"

"No. I don't know what he does in his down—" Steve pauses, another frown of reconsideration coming up. "JARVIS, can you forward me—"

"Agent Romanoff has already requested I evaluate the security footage of Agent Walker's public interactions within the tower," the AI responds calmly. "She did not find anything of to be of worthy note."

"Hey there, JARVIS. Long time no—hear. Exactly how many grudges are you focused on tonight?" With his head down at this angle, Bucky can see his new pin reflecting the light from the other room in his peripherals. Right next to his shoulder that just got cleaned by his favorite hippie. God, he's in a good fucking mood at the moment.

"I do not hold grudges. I am merely doing my job as a level JARVIS."

Bucky snorts loudly. Steve looks up at the ceiling in exasperation.

"Your jokes are getting worse," the captain accuses. "It's Banner's fault, isn't it?"

"I believe it is the influence of the tower's other pacifist, Dr. Ryder. Her humor is rather snappy, as Sergeant Barnes can attest."

"Don't let her hear you call it humor," Bucky argues with all the sincerity he can muster. "The last thing that woman needs is justification for her verbal crimes."

"What's that thing on your vest, then?"

The sound of Natasha's voice makes Steve jump. Bucky catches his reaction just in time to stop it. 

"Jesus fucking Christ," Steve swears under his breath.

"Language, Rogers," Bucky and Natasha hit him with simultaneously. He's hoping jumping on it with her will distract her from—

"That little strip of tin and enamel sure looks like enabling behavior to me."

Damn. It was a long shot to begin with.

"Ava put something on your vest?" Steve's head is getting in his space now, trying to look around to find what Bucky definitely isn't angling to hide. 

"I put it there," Bucky corrects briskly. "To shame her."

"Where is it?" 

"Fuck off." He shoves at his best friend's hands as they come for his shoulders, trying to stop the effort to rotate him. He's unsuccessful. 

"What is that—is that a pin? Quit struggling, shithead; just let me see. What's it say—oh my god."

"Shut up."

"I can't see it real well. Read it to me," Natasha requests calmly. Bucky can hear her blowing on a cup of coffee while he continues to struggle with his best friend.

"Shut the fuck up—"

"It says I bee leaf in you," Steve answers, his voice going obnoxiously high. The asshole is smiling from ear to ear. There's even moisture starting to build in his eyes. "With a little cartoon bee! And a leaf!"

Bucky knew this was coming. He knew it was coming. He was just hoping it would be during the next mission, not here in the tower. Somewhere he could shoot at both of them to make them shut up without having to go to HR for an incident report. Getting Ava's worst pun yet is, apparently, the only good thing the universe is going to grant him this week. 

Alright. That new round of painful tactical analysis when she was bent over her own desk trying to find it for him was pretty nice, too. So was watching her dance like that. She's—distractingly nimble. Not much can kill him these days, but the sight of her without a lab coat on keeps coming pretty damn close.

"Now, isn't that precious?" The savage joy in Natasha's voice makes Bucky want to throw his tablet at her. 

"I'm shaming her. Making her look at her crimes."

"Don't you go to her office in fatigues?"

"Are you gonna switch it to those when you go see her?" Steve's voice is still too high. He's close enough for Bucky to swing at, so he does, with a solid hook to his shoulder.

"No. I picked it for my gear. I'm not going to move it."

"You picked the spot?"

"Have you cleaned your ears this month? I'm shaming her—"

"Bucky, that's so—"

"Shut up. "

"—sweet. I can't believe—bee leaf!" The dumbass pauses, stumbling over his own stupid laughter. "She got you a pun pin. Did she paint this?"

"I—" Bucky freezes. He didn't think to ask. She'd been pretty choked up after he picked a spot by his left arm. He wanted to give her room, especially after hounding her about taking her home. "I don't know. She painted the box it came in, though."

"Did you keep it?"

He crosses his arms defensively. "Of course I did. She painted it for me. I'm not fucking rude."

"Can I see it?"

"Absolutely fucking not." He shoves at Steve's shoulders, forcing him back. "What's he hiding, Nat?"

She snorts, still not having moved an inch from the back wall. "What, you think I've finished with you?"

"You tell me. What sounds more fun—"

"I feel like this pin thing is pretty serious," Steve tries to argue.

"Trying to pry another reaction out of me or batting Stevie around—"

"Nat, come on, this is a big change—you agree with me—"

"—while you wait for Wakeman—"

"Walker," Natasha corrects before going for another sip of coffee.

"Poster Boy to finish sweating," Bucky finally gets out.

She takes her time enjoying her drink while they both watch her anxiously. When her eyes open back up, she looks tired but pleased. "You should check his away missions."

"Aww, come on—you're about to go in there and leave me to deal with him alone," Steve complains like the giant baby he is.

"Maybe if you bee leaf in him, he won't ridicule you."

"Shut up," Bucky grumbles, already pulling up Agent Walkman's recent away missions. He'll start there, then branch out. His best friend is being a lot more defensive than usual, so it's something good.

"Actually, check his eval for me. I haven't decided how hot I'm going in. Give me your read."

Without hesitation, Bucky does as she asked, opening up the errand boy's medical records to skim the psych evaluation. He gets why Natasha's asking. Sitting in the headspace of someone who breaks people without laying a finger on them gets loud sometimes. It can get hard to remember where the line is. He's not going to deny her the request for a check-in. Not ever. Not with how often she does it for him.

He shrugs at the end of his check, finding nothing out of the ordinary. "He's never been confronted with failure in his life. I'm assuming that's the play?"

"Mhm."

"Hammer it."

"No reservations?"

Bucky snorts. "What's your reservation? You worried about making a West Point brat cry?"

"Nah. Only wanted a second read of the land." He hears Natasha's back crack in a couple of places as she pushes off the wall, proving she's been there for a while. Little shit probably snuck in behind him when he came in and waited. "Thanks. Have fun, boys."

Steve waits until she shuts the door behind her to offer up a bribe. "I'll drop the pin commentary if you close that file."

"You make this too easy."

"I'm serious. I won't say another word about it."

"Yeah, you'll just wind Sam up to do it for you. Is it because his team got paired with Coulson's? Don't make me read through whole logs to find this. It's just going to make it worse when I do."

"You're going to be disappointed when this turns out to be nothing. I'm just doing my job, Buck." 

On the other side of the one-way glass, the door to the interview room Waldorf is already sitting in opens. Natasha walks in, her head down and her eyes skimming over the file she definitely had memorized before she got here. It makes the level four who's been waiting on someone for—Bucky's eyes flick over to the timer kept on the wall to document interviews—two hours and nineteen minutes sit up in his chair.

"Agent Romanoff," Wilbur greets her. Bold choice, trying to start them off on equal footing. "Good to finally—"

"Name?" Natasha immediately knocks his dick in the dirt with.

"Oof," Steve mutters, sounding far too pleased. It raises Bucky's suspicion level another notch.

"Ah—John Walker," he answers, his posture shifting as the professional stick goes rigid in his ass. How so very boring.

Bucky's hoping Natasha provides some fireworks here because otherwise, he wasted the trip. The effort had mainly been about harassing Steve for a few minutes after a long week without having the chance to. He could be up in his room right now, bullshitting himself that he's a good enough man to not beat off to the thought of the good doctor again. For the half-dozenth time. The words she was singing at the top of her lungs sure as shit aren't going to help his efforts to be a gentleman tonight. At all.

"Right." Natasha drops the tablet on the table, letting it impact heavily. She leans over it to type in a few details as if adding him to a list. "Tell me why I'm here, Walker."

The agent hesitates. Strike two. "I'm not sure, to be honest with you. I got the call; I went where I was told." 

Of course he did, Bucky thinks bitterly. That's what they taught us.

"How long have you been sitting here?"

"Well—I can't give you exact timing without checking in with JARVIS." He pauses again, no doubt waiting for the AI to take the opportunity to assist. When nothing follows, Watson's face falls, and he tries for a quick recovery. He pulls a recruiter-pamphlet-smile directly from his ass. "I know it's somewhere around the two-hour mark. Sorry, I was catching up on some paperwork. I wasn't paying much attention to the clock—"

"Do you normally have to catch up on paperwork?" She's still typing away while she lays her first trap, still refusing to sit. Lining the guy up on her razor's edge.

"I would hope it's as often as my fellow agents. Knowing my tendency to put it off, it's probably not as—"

"You don't know their work ethic enough to say definitively?"

Steep jump from competency to teamwork. Then there's the silent implication that he fucked up the competency question by going for the casual humor of someone being offered a job. That's a heavy floodlight she's pointing at his ego. Bucky is more than willing to count this as fireworks now.

"If we're talking about people I work with regularly, I absolutely do. But, no, I can't say that I know how I compare to—"

"I didn't ask how you compare. I asked if you know your teammates well enough to do so."

Whitman is trying his damndest to keep that smile on his face. There's frustration building behind it, and Bucky can spot the expectation of a test in his eyes. "In that case. I can only tell you about the people I work with the most often. They tend to be better at submitting their paperwork on time, ma'am."

"Romanoff or Agent Romanoff." Natasha's never given a shit about what title people use for her; Bucky knows that. But she sure does love to use it as a tool. "Tell me about these incident reports I'm looking at."

Some of the color drains from the agent's face. "Sorry, what incident reports are we—"

"The ones right here, from your first, second, and fourth deployment." Natasha looks up, finally making eye contact. "Why the radio silence during the third? Boring post?"

"I…. Those are—Nothing of any kind of significance has ever been on my record—"

"I don't need an official military record. SHIELD keeps the field notes from your former superiors." In a move she had to have pre-planned given how flawlessly it's executed, Natasha unzips the jacket she walked in wearing. She shakes off the heavy leather, showing the civies she's got on under it. No uniform, giving the implication that this late-night interview is out of the blue. And a personal favor. "You made quite a few friends on that ladder."

"A few." The confidence in Walter is wavering. The expectation of this being a lateral kind of test isn't front and center in the man's expression. He's trying to find a rock in quicksand. 

"Tell me about them." 

Bucky tunes out, looking back down at the tablet in his hands. She'll be hunting for ammunition for a while. People the kid respects, positions he was passed up for, grudges—professional or otherwise—to pick at, et cetra. Most of it she'll already know on her end. All of it she'll use against him.

After a minute of droning from the errand boy, he catches sight of Steve's arms unfolding from his chest, his hands tucking into his pants pockets. "So. A late appointment, huh? Was that Ava's request?"

"Nice try, asshole," Bucky grumbles. "I've been gone a week. I told JARVIS to let her know she could call me in whenever. He let me know she was still in the building." Shrugging, he skips to the next mission in Winston's history. "I went so she knows I'm taking this seriously. She offered. I accepted."

"And then she gave you a bee."

"And then she gave me a bee."

"A very cute bee."

"Shut. Up."

"Okay." He sees Steve rock back and forth from the corner of his eye. It makes him skim the mission details faster. He's gotta find the lead before— "Is it because she's divorced?"

"What?" He looks over at Steve in genuine shock. "Why the hell would that matter?"

"Maybe because of who she used to be married to."

"You think I'm intimidated?" Bucky scoffs, insulted. He could rise to that level of expectation—if he wanted to. And there's not a shot in hell that this Alec prick is any kind of a threat. 

"By the idea of going out with a civilian woman who just left a career soldier?" The way Steve phrases it makes him freeze in place. "Yeah, Buck, I think that'd be a little intimidating."

Bucky, somewhat slowly, looks back at his tablet. That—it hadn't occurred to him. That particular angle. About Ava and—other expectations she might have when it comes to him.

You'll have to try a lot harder than that for me to fall for a loophole.

Bucky has a lot of self-awareness; he knows how hard he is to deal with. He tried backing off whenever it felt as if he was going too far in her office. She had picked up the other end of the bait every time, and everything seemed good. The Totalitarian jokes she throws at him are only jokes; she wouldn't give him the time of day if they weren't. 

But it's not hard to figure out that they're rooted somewhere deep. Somewhere real. She's big on boundaries. She's gravely serious about consent. Those aren't the kind of qualities people hold that high without motivation. Personal motivation.

Giving her full access was the right call. Bucky's wholeheartedly convinced of it on multiple fronts.

"It's not like that," he assures, keeping his voice serious. "There's no plan here. No intentions, either. She puts up with me. I'm trying not to make that a miserable experience for her."

"Sure."

"Fuck off."

"Don't you mean buzz off?" There's no hesitation in Bucky's movements as he swings the tablet off to the side to nail his best friend in the arm with. "Oww!"

"You had it coming. Stop laughing before the grunt hears you, stupid."

The chuckles coming from Steve taper off until it's just snickering. "I think it's sweet."

"So you've said." Bucky tries to work up the nerve for his next question. It takes a few minutes of watching Natasha play with her food. "How pissed was he?"

The silence that followed Steve's snickering gets broken by his snort. "Well, his head didn't actually explode, but, you know, pretty damn pissed."

"Sorry."

"You don't have to be."

"It took a lot for you to—"

"Yes. It did. It took more than even you know, and Nat's made sure you'll never find out exactly how much." Steve looks over and doesn't say anything. Not until Bucky has the nads to meet his gaze. "And the whole point of it was to put it in your hands. That comes with the expectation that you'll use it as you see fit. It's not your problem that Fury likes to selectively forget he agreed to that."

"That doesn't mean it should have to be yours. I'm the one that handed it off to a civilian without asking for—"

"You shouldn't have to ask. That was the whole point." Bucky looks away, but Steve doesn't relent. "We wouldn't have put in the effort if we weren't willing to back it up over time."

"I can sit in for a meeting this time."

"I'm not going to tell you no." Of course he won't. Steve never does. Not when it's something like this. "But I am going to remind you that the two of you have conflicting buttons. More importantly, you don't need to."

"I know. I want to. It's not about—This isn't a challenge for me." He pauses, trying to decide on a way to phrase it. "I'm not looking to win a fight. I want to explain."

"Alright. Spending a week in the doghouse without complaint probably won you some leniency." There's pride sitting in Steve's voice. 

It almost makes Bucky avoid bringing up the other thing eating him alive. He could handle it himself behind the scenes. He could even tell Ava to keep it to herself when he eventually fills her in. 

But honesty is a two-way street.

"I got a question I gotta ask you," he starts off gently. It's the worst way—Steve's going to pick up on something being wrong and get worried. But Bucky can't think of an alternative.

"Shoot." Yeah. Yeah, there's the nerves surfacing in his voice. 

"When you taught her the code—" His best friend's posture stiffens in his peripherals. It makes him switch to treating this like a bandage to rip off. "What language did you teach it to her in?"

Steve's head turns at a speed that looks dizzying, even for their equilibrium. "That only matters if she says it in the right—you're kidding. What the hell—what were you two even talking about that—"

"It wasn't like that," Bucky stresses, hearing the suspicion creeping in. "We were talking about music. She was telling me she doesn't find it sad."

"Jesus," Steve whispers. He follows it up with about a dozen other curses under his breath. "I'm sorry, Buck, I—"

"I know. I'm not looking to blame you. It's happened with other people before; you know that. And it's not like I suspect her of anything. I just—"

"Yeah, no, checking makes complete sense. No one would fault you for that. Did you talk to her about it yet?"

"I'm not planning on talking to her about any of it at the moment."

"Bucky. You can't just—she has to know, she's made that clear—I should have told her from the start—"

"I'm not saying I'm keeping her in the dark forever. I'm saying I'm not telling her right now."

Steve goes quiet again, and Bucky can practically hear the cogs turning in his brain. "I can talk to her about it."

"No."

"It's not like she'd have an issue with pretending it didn't happen—"

"I don't want to pretend it didn't happen." The words come out a lot more forceful than he intended.

"Okay." Steve's not being condescending. There's no dismissal in his tone. He reached a boundary Bucky's made and didn't take offense to it.

A year ago, Bucky wouldn't have been able to handle so much as bringing something like this up. He would have internalized every last part of it. Three years ago, Steve would have questioned him on a hard line like this being drawn. And then gone and done everything without asking, leaving Bucky to feel like an infant.

Not even a few weeks ago, Bucky would have bitten the head off of a level four analyst just because he can't get any decent sleep.

"I felt human again for a minute," he admits quietly. He curls his head in like a fucking coward, using his hair as a heavy curtain to block the view of his best friend. "She said it, and I got to come back down from it, and she didn't know. I'll tell her. I just want to wait until she's had long enough to forget she said it."

He doesn't want to give up how good it felt to flirt with Ava. To feel that warmth and hear that soothing melody. To sit in it all for a minute and let himself live. To be a bastard chasing after a girl way out of his league the way he used to, even if he knows it won't ever go anywhere. To forget, for just a handful of minutes, that he was ever made into a monster.

A couple more weeks of bothering her in the mornings. That'll be enough time for her to forget what words she used tonight. Then he'll have Steve give her the code in every language she speaks.

"That sounds like a good plan." The words don't sound like bullshit with the way Steve's voice stays rock fucking solid in its support. "You wanna... maybe talk about what led to it—"

Bucky straightens his head back up with a long inhale, moving his hair out of the way once again. "I don't know, Steve. Do you want me to try to go to bed for the next three hours, or do you want me to keep reading mission logs?"

"...I hope you get some good rest."

"That's what I thought."

"I'll see you in the morning. We've got that weapons brief—"

"I know."

"—so don't forget—yeah, okay, yup. You already know."

Locking his tablet and heading for the door, Bucky rolls his eyes. "When she comes in for a refill, remind her to run the mom test."

"Will do. Goodnight, Buck."

"Goodnight."

He's almost tempted to check in with JARVIS about Ava. Then he remembers that he doesn't have to do that.

Stepping onto the only elevator leading to the Avengers floor, he pulls his phone from his back pocket and opens their texts. He smiles down at the last picture of Ava's dumbass cat that she graced him with before he got sent out on punishment. There's a miniature, painted straw hat sitting on his bald little head.

Did the moose make it across the road okay? he types out. It takes three tries to force himself to hit send.

Bucky slides his phone back into his pocket. This is the latest he's ever sent her a message. God willing, she's got her ringer off. There's no way she's not in bed by now; it's nearly 0200. If he finds out this woke her up, he'll feel awful. He didn't exactly say he was going to be checking up on her.

Now he's worried he shouldn't have. Back in the day, it would have been second nature to make a quick call once he got back to his own place. He can't tell if that's the polite thing to do in this case or if it's too—

Bucky's phone vibrates against his left ass cheek not even thirty seconds after he put it there. He's got it back in his hand, held up to his face, in less than two.

see! you love my puns. and i am not currently roadkill! bonus points, reads her reply text. 

He grins down at his phone like a fucking idiot. When Natasha eventually finds the security footage, and she will, he's not even going to be mad about being bullied for it.

Before he can type a reply, she hits him with another. dont g-men have bedtimes?

Yes, ma'am. The government just doesn't have the budget to implement them, he sends back.

This texting thing is a blessing and a curse. On the one hand, he gets to talk to her without having to work up the nerve to call her. On the other, he can't see how much that made her smile.

Not having the face-to-face usually doesn't bother Bucky. Then again, he usually doesn't text outside of work, so that's probably got something to do with it.

She sends back a laughing emoji rapid fire, then those three little dots dance for a minute while she goes back to typing. are you even allowed to make those kinds of jokes? doesnt SHIELD pay your phone bill?

Probably. I haven't bothered asking.

about the permission or the bill?

Both.

He gets another laughing emoji. go to bed, idiot. you looked like you were ready to fall over in my office. believe it or not, your brain needs this funny thing called SLEEP.

Sleep well, doll. Bucky's finger hovers over the send button, but he doesn't hit it. 

He used the word in her office. It slipped out on accident the first time. The second time had been a check-in that she didn't seem to scorn. That might have been because she was choked up. Having to read it now makes the word feel heavier. Too heavy.

He hits the backspace to change it out for doc instead at the last minute. The send button is a lot easier to hit after that. He's banking on the fact that the choice didn't take long to make. Maybe, just maybe, she didn't notice.

you too, she signs off with. 

Bucky doesn't move as the elevator doors open in front of him. He keeps his eyes locked on his phone. Focused right on the little heart emoji she put after the last word.

A slow, shy smile starts to creep up on him. He steps off the elevator, walking distractedly to his room to try to catch a REM cycle or two. It's still there on his face as he strips out of his gear, thinking about the doctor. It doesn't fade, even as he tosses his comforter, blanket, and lone pillow onto the floor.

He manages to be a gentleman that night. Mainly because he falls asleep listening to her playlist titled chill sketching before his hand can find any trouble. 

—

u wanna know why the howlies couldnt tell their ass from a campfire most nights? its bc their asses fell INTO the campfire most nights. god i fucking love those idiots. i REALLY wanna do some howlies fics at some point (and i kinda want it to be a biker!au if im honest. i could undo the trauma SoA put me through by making comfort fics abt big biker man and his lil doc 🥺)

anyways there IS a reason i go so hard on discount cap, its not just bc he smells and i hate him. i have a hc for bucky’s opinion on dudes like him thatll get brought up at some point, youll see. it got pretty heavily hinted at in this chapter

also, other quick hc, if natasha romanoff were to be given the big boy serum and a lil sippy sip from the fountain of youth, the galaxy would be safe literally forever. we wouldnt need any more super heroes, everyone could retire. no one can convince me otherwise 😤

im (kind of) up and running on tumblr!! same handle, i reserved it when i got this act. ignore how bare bones the chapter posts are, ill make fancy formatting and graphics later. the initial wave was a panic back up when i realized im not saving these anywhere after posting and ao3 shut down for a few days lmao

i WILL put in a real effort to go track down blogs to follow and add other stuff at some point, pinky promise!! if you wanna find me for mutual fandom screaming, thats where ill be babes 💖🥰 im 98% sure i remembered to set up all the anon stuff properly for anyone thats Shy ❤️ you are more than welcome to submit requests 💞 ill make a pinned post abt it at some point

[wall-e-gorl]

Told my grandma that watching the puppy for weeks on end was tiring and that my brother will switch off every week or two with me until lil cousin comes home and she said that if this tires me out then you don't want to have kids, they're much more exhausting and then I said I don't want kids

[theravennest]

Hot Loki Take: Sylvie was Right

*Spoilers for all of Loki the series up to and including ep 6.

Sylvie was right to kill He Who Remains and free the timeline.

I’m deadass.

He Who Remains forced reality into an endless cycle between a time of Order (he rules as dictator) & a time of simulated and controlled "Chaos" (his Conqueror variants wage war). I say this “chaos” is simulated because when you think about it, it’s chaos that He Who Remains arranges himself by manipulating Lokis.

He Who Remains is so fucking sus but for some reason people are just tripping over their own feet to believe everything he says and vilify Sylvie for killing him. 

He literally tells them (and us) that his methods are deceptive and we know for a fact that he’s willing to murder trillions upon trillions of people, planets, and realities to get the outcome he wants. Yet some are still believing everything he says cuz he said maybe 4 things that were truthful, I guess, and cuz he’s cute. Some of us are so blinded by the fear/anticipation of Kang the Conqueror’s arrival, we are letting him bamboozle us.

He Who Remains perfectly and personally tailored the Ordered period of the timeline to produce this exact Sylvie and this exact Loki, had them meet/influence each other, and then had them travel to the end of time...to him.

Now Lokis by nature are agents of chaos and could suddenly swerve left, so to speak, for no reason. So let’s assume I believe that He Who Remains didn’t 100% know what they would choose once they crossed the Threshold (if the Threshold he described is even real, tbh). He also so carefully molded both of their entire lives for that moment in the Citadel. He may not have known 100% but he knew at least 90% of how they would react to everything he said and did when they were both pushed to this place/mindset.

Notice how he teed them up for the fight that ended in his death:

Manufacturing a scenario where they would meet via the TVA’s variant pursuit.

Manufacturing a scenario where they would travel to the Void and meet Alioth.

Kid Loki being in just the right place to give his sword to Loki.

Miss Minutes appearing to menacingly offer an obvious devil’s bargain.

Him slyly telling Sylvie that she can’t trust Loki, putting it into her head just before he gives them his ultimatum.

All of these thing practically gift wrapped that ending to the Loki on Sylvie fight.

Let’s elaborate.

What was even the point of Miss Minutes offering to re-insert them into the same Sacred Timeline with both getting their hearts’ desires there? 

Not more than ten minutes later He Who Remains told Loki and Sylvie to their faces that he manipulated all this for the sole purpose of making them choose between taking over as rulers of the TVA or killing him and ushering in a Multiversal War. Neither of those choices would result in re-inserting Loki and Sylvie back into the timeline.

So what is the truth? Why waste precious moments with a creepy Miss Minutes menacing them in that vestibule scene?

Notice how Miss Minutes’ words pushed Loki further onto his path of no longer wanting power or a throne but desiring to change his attitude about himself and the universe. Notice how her words conversely pushed Sylvie into balking at the idea of accepting another “fictional” life after a lifetime of being manipulated and made her double down on her mission to free the timeline and get revenge.

Sylvie has the ability to see memories but interesting how he kept her distracted by condescending to her and provoking her, just stoking the fire to make her react negatively. (Interesting how he was far more focused on Sylvie’s reactions than Loki’s, most likely because he needed her to kill him for his plans to work.)

Now I don’t want to completely shift responsibility for her choices away from Sylvie. In truth, if she had held in her vengeance for let’s say an hour and trusted Loki a bit more, they could’ve sat down to talk about things and maybe found a third solution other than starting a Multiversal War or ruling the TVA that still could’ve even allowed her to get revenge. (More on the ultimatum later.)

But I can’t blame her for losing her cool, either. He Who Remains made damn sure she would burn as hot as possible because he tailor made her life to give her the personality he wanted. And any other version of her out there who might have made a different choice would’ve already been pruned.

He Who Remains tells Loki and Sylvie straight up that he set them on their particular life paths because he needed them to be “changed by the journey” to ensure everyone in that room was in exactly the right mindset to do what was needed to “finish the quest” and presumably “slay the dragon,” aka Him. (Notice the parallels to the speaker narration just before episode 2′s fight at the Ren Fair.)

We don’t know! Sylvie never enchanted him to read his memories because she was so filled with rage and Loki was too busy trying to stop her, he didn’t think to do it either. And we’ve already established that He Who Remains trained them that way. Nothing that happened in that office was without He Who Remains’ influence and meddling.

Another nail in the coffin that convinces me that He Who Remains is a no good dirty liar is Renslayer.

If He Who Remains’ end goal was to either have the Lokis choose to rule the TVA or destroy it and thus end up with no memory of her previous TVA judge role/life, why did he send Miss Minutes to Ravonna with files that caused her to pack her bags and search for what she calls “free will,” AKA the one in charge?

I’d bet dollars to donuts that when the next season rolls around the only people who will know what’s going on and still have their memories will be Loki, Miss Minutes, Sylvie, and Ravonna. (Maybe Kang the Conqueror will know as well but I could see it going the other way too. I’m 50-50.)

He Who Remains was planning something by pushing Ravonna the way he did. Does he want her out of the TVA so she doesn’t lose her memories when everything resets? Does he want her to go find the Conqueror version of himself? I mean, at this point, practically everyone knows who she is to Kang in the comics, so let’s not pretend that’s not an option.

Another thing to think about...it’s super suspicious that he was so eager to make them believe he’s one of the “good versions” of Kang and all these others are much worse while giving absolutely no evidence of that outside of an interactive blob powerpoint, a quirky attitude, and a couple of sad, weary faces????

Who’s to say He Who Remains isn’t playing the long game and always manipulates his variants to eventually give him the chance to seize control of the multiverse?

Who’s to say he’s not one of the Kangs that wanted to conquer too? Funny how the “pure of heart” Kang is the one who still wrested control of all reality, killed off every other timeline with a weapon of mass destruction, installed a fascist time bureaucracy, and set himself up as the dictator. Sounds an awful lot like some conqueror shit to me, just saying.

Even wilder theory: what if this really is the same Kang the Conqueror but at the end of his life? We only have hhis word that he’s a variant. He Who Remains tells Loki that this fight is for the “young and hungry.” Maybe the “young and hungry” he’s referring to is not Loki and Sylvie at all but his literal younger self. Perhaps he set up this entire cycle of chaos and order so that he can perpetually live, conqueror, rule, die, and start all over again? Reincarnation, as he says...

But let’s set that wild theory aside for a moment. Let’s circle back to the Multiversal War debate and say it really is is caused by an infinite amount of his variants.

I think it’s hella sus that He Who Remains was so insistent that Loki and Sylvie only had two choices to resolve this riddle: Multiversal War or running the TVA almost exactly the way he did while maintaining only a single timeline. Those are definitely not the only two options they had. In fact, I could probably name 1-3 other options off the top of my head right now:

Keep He Who Remains alive while learning how he manipulated time and using those skills to slowly unleash the multiverse while killing every version of Kang to prevent him from existing as either conqueror or dictator.

Kill He Who Remains, take over the TVA, and slowly change it to something not horrific or even build a brand new system for governing time.

Kill or keep He Who Remains, still take over the TVA, slow rollout the Multiverse and kill or prevent every Kang along the way.

(I’m not saying these aren’t also morally questionable options, I’m just saying they are different from the two choices He Who Remains presented.)

But let’s say these options I suggested are not feasible. I just randomly came up with them ten minutes ago so it would be fair if they were picked apart logically. 

So let’s contemplate this, instead:

Why should we assume/believe that a Multiversal War is actually a bad thing again??? Why are we assuming that He Who Remains’ Sacred Timeline really saved reality from total collapse? 

Assuming he told the truth about his motives, maybe he was just...wrong about the end of reality. Maybe he saw what he thought was the conclusion to the Multiversal War coming and erroneously believed it to be the end of everything but actually it was the multiverse sorting itself out and everything would’ve been fine after.

We (and He Who Remains too) will never know because not only did he not show any evidence to back up his claim that reality was on the brink of collapse, but he himself never allowed things to play out naturally. Whenever the end of the war comes to the brink of something, he always panics, weaponizes Alioth, and traps the universe in his cage of Order with the TVA.

Even more controversial take...maybe the collapse of timelines and the end of everything should be allowed to happen. Maybe the natural cycle of reality is to build and build, splinter and splinter timelines, until it collapses and starts all over again from the void.

Nothing is created and nothing is destroyed, all things exist in a cycle so why should the multiverse be any different?

After all in all, in all three possibilities an infinite number of timelines is destined to suffer and die. Whether it be during the Kang-controlled Order period, Kang-controlled fake Chaos period, or the unrestrained natural Chaos that collapses in on itself...an untold amount of people are dying anyway. There’s only one of those scenarios that has actual unrestrained free will where those people get to exist how they want, make choices they want (even bad ones) for as long as they can.

(Personally, I’ll take that over what the Kangs have wrestled the multiverse into.)

I’ll just take this moment to re-iterate: trust nothing He Who Remains says. He’s a known liar and manipulator, and unlike Loki he has done absolutely nothing to actionably show he’s not still lying or to show that he’s trying to change outside of some sad looks. It’s all pantomime, bruh. Like, the pageantry of it all astounds me. 

Is he maybe telling some truths? Sure. But that doesn’t mean he’s not using the truth to manipulate everything. It’s an illusion, I’m telling y’all! He was up to no fucking good.

Sylvie was far more right to kill him than to not. Loki, Sylvie, & team (prolly also the latest Avengers lineup too) now just need to find a way to break this Kang cycle.

[iamanartichoke]

[please blacklist spoiler tags: #loki tv series spoilers, #loki series spoilers, #loki spoilers]

Yes, I did just watch episode 2 at 5:30 in the morning.

No, I am not sorry. Not at the moment, although when I inevitably crash later this afternoon, I will be.

Just some very, very quick - and scattered and messy - thoughts: That is a straight up lie; they’re definitely scattered and messy but not very quick at all.

Under the cut for spoilers and length.

I’m going to start with Loki’s characterization. My honest opinion is that Loki’s overall characterization feels like a fic characterization. He definitely is not Avengers Loki, like, at all. I don't know if Tom just, like, forgot how to play that Loki or ...?? That, or Loki was so much more mind-controlled than we realized and getting hulk-smashed just completely reset him back to zero but also fucked him up a little bit and affected his personality, kind of like how some people completely develop weird new personality quirks after a traumatic brain injury.

… yeah, I think that’s where I’m gonna land for now. TV series!Loki feels like a more-or-less canon version of Loki, but if that Loki got hit in the head really hard and now he’s just a little bit fucked up but overall no worse for the wear. Which - it may be that it’s so early in the morning, but that’s actually really fucking funny to me, lmao. God, I kill me. It’s not funny.

No, but, that’s pretty much how I feel. He’s ooc but he’s also ic, and the reason I’m not particularly bothered by the inconsistency, for lack of a better word, is because that’s what pretty much every fic Loki already feels like to me? (Including my own, so I’m not, like, saying that in a derogatory way.) Which is why I say Loki feels like a fic!Loki and to try to explain it better - there is always, for me, a little suspension of disbelief that I employ when I read fic. The reason for that is because the context, the plot, and the dynamics of the fic are usually pretty different than what we ever get in canon, so it becomes a matter of taking film!Loki and, like, bending him a bit in order to fit him into the perimeters of the fic.

The result ends up being that I don’t see the exact Avengers!Loki or TDW!Loki, and thus by definition the portrayal is ooc, but the version that I do see feels like a genuine extension of the canon version, possessing enough of Loki’s overall traits and characteristics that he feels authentic, albeit a bit pretzeled for the new context.

I honestly think that’s something that’s unavoidable, just due to the fact that in fic - and now, in this series - there are a lot more variables at play than there are in the films, wherein Loki is not just a supporting character but also the villain/antagonist and is therefore very limited in what he does/what the narrative allows him to do. When those limitations are taken away, what are we going to see? Probably a lot of different things, and yeah, a lot of them are going to feel a little ooc. And, like in fic, even if the characterization mostly lands, there are definitely bits and pieces (some fics more than others lean this way) where the author didn’t stick the landing or got carried away or otherwise probably forgot for a while that they were writing Loki, not their own OC.

That’s the point where it strays into cringe territory for me (and where the ‘heh, he’s Loki but with a brain injury’ aspect comes in), but while I had to consciously decide to just ignore those moments, overall the tone in this episode felt a bit more balanced between the new, the old, and the cringe, and less whiplash-y from the beginning of the episode to the end.

… I have no idea if that makes sense, but what I’m basically saying is that while I am enjoying this version of Loki, I do recognize all of the ways he’s ooc but, unlike how I feel about Ragnarok!Loki, the ooc-ness feels genuine and unavoidable rather than just a fundamental and careless misunderstanding of the character altogether. In other words, I feel like any ooc-ness here is happening despite the writers taking care to do their best, and isn’t just a result of Loki being lazily written by a person or persons who just doesn’t want to bother with him at all.

Again, I don’t know if that makes sense, but fuck it, there we are and I’m moving on.

I liked all of the little details, including again, things that felt straight out of fic, like Loki asking Mobius why he has the jetski magazine. (Also, if any of my thorki friends read this, was I the only one who noticed that when we see Loki reading the magazine, it just happens to be open to a page with a picture featuring a jet skier who looks like Thor? l.m.a.o.)

Loki interrupting things to explain the difference between illusions vs the other power (I can’t remember which one, off hand, and if I stop writing to go look it up I will lose my train of thought and not finish this) was great, but his overall input and contributions to the missions inspired very mixed feelings for me. On the one hand, I loved that the narrative, via Loki, is reminding us of all these things that he’s capable of that the films generally left out or brushed aside or ignored - but, every time he spoke, he was met with eye rolls and sighs and just a general feeling of “someone please shut this guy up” and I didn’t like the narrative treating him that way.

But also, it’s understandable bc none of the people on his team are actually on his team. None of them want him there (story of Loki’s fucking life), none of them trust him, and none of them are particularly interested in hearing what he has to say. So it’s like, I understand why they reacted the way they did, and I don’t think their reactions are meant to support an overall narrative undermining of Loki’s skills and input - but, the tone is hard to read for me bc I am very defensive and protective of Loki. I can’t quite determine the line between the TVA agents being unreliable narrators (ie, they’re annoyed by Loki bc of who he is to them, but that doesn’t mean the audience is supposed to feel the same) and the TVA agents validating that Loki is just being a nuisance (and, thus, the audience is supposed to feel the same).

That is, I know how I am consuming the narrative (that they’re unreliable narrators), but I’m not sure if that’s how tptb are intending for me to consume the narrative - and I guess it doesn’t really matter, but it’s worth mentioning.

In general, I really liked, again, Loki existing in his own space and watching the way he carried himself. I especially found it interesting that his hands were almost always in his pockets - for one thing it's a stance I tend to imagine him taking often in fic, but also it’s kind of a weird choice bc pockets don’t seem to be a thing in Asgardian clothing. It makes me feel like Loki is the kind of person who never knows what to do with his hands but is always conscious of them, as is common among anxious and self-conscious people, and I just find that relatable on a weird level.

I am really kinda torn on Mobius in this episode; when not interrogating Loki, he’s much less antagonistic toward Loki and therefore I’m more inclined to take-him-or-leave-him but I’ll go ahead and take him I guess. Yet at the same time, bc he’s not interrogating Loki he’s also not trying to put on a show for Loki and when you take that away, he really doesn’t seem to like Loki at all. It supports that Mobius only wants what Loki can do for him and doesn’t actually particularly care about him as a person, which is fine and more or less what I figured, but it contributes to me not really being able to decide how I feel about him in general. Idk, though, I kinda like their dynamic? Like I want them to end up friends?

Regardless, Tom and Owen have amazing chemistry and it’s really funny to me bc (not to be a jerk) I honestly didn’t know Owen Wilson could act. Like, I’ve never seen him in a role where he wasn’t just playing Owen Wilson. So for him to not only be playing Mobius so well but also having such chemistry and a sense of holding-his-own against Tom Hiddleston is like, color me surprised but pleasantly so.

I like B-15 a lot, even though she obviously hates Loki, so idk why I like her but I do. I like Renslayer less, but meh. (Side note - when I was in undergrad in Syracuse, I took the Amtrak from Syracuse to Boston and back more than a few times, for reasons that aren’t relevant, and that route always had a layover at Albany-Rensselaer and every single time I see Renslayer’s name, I want to call her Rensselaer instead.) Shout out to the guest appearance by Casey, sorry Loki stole your juice lmfao.

The moments from the trailer that were very cringe were less so in context (though still kinda cringe, tbh). I think we’ve seen most of the content from the trailers in the first two episodes now, though, which means going forward, it’s going to be like 95% previously unseen material (aside from the brief apocalyptic shots and so forth).

One thing I fucking loved was how Loki, reading about Ragnarok, was visibly affected and even teared up a bit, and you could tell he was in his feels about it, but then later when Mobius expresses sympathy, Loki is just like, “Uh huh, very sad, but anyway.” It was a subtle (well maybe not that subtle) but effective way to remind us that what Loki presents to other people is more often than not a mask and he keeps his true feelings close to the chest. It makes last week’s breakdown have even more of an impact, I think, bc clearly Loki was at the end of his rope to allow himself to show that much raw emotion and vulnerability, but also - for me - there’s a niggling little doubt there that wasn’t there before, in that there was probably more performance in it than I thought.

By which I mean, I think his reaction to the film of his life when he was alone was genuine but, while I previously thought his admission to Mobius later was also genuine, I now think was probably half genuine and half performative. I know others already figured that out, but I’m a little slow and, also, I don’t mind changing my opinion and interpretation from week to week.

Along the same lines, I wasn’t exactly surprised to see that Loki is “undercover” in the TVA, but it was nice to see it acknowledged fairly quickly. Not sure I buy that Loki wants to overthrow and rule the TVA - it’s still a little too “Loki only wants a throne” for me, but again, just because that’s what he told the variant doesn’t mean that’s actually what he’s after.

And, finally, I like the variant, I love Loki’s reaction to seeing her, and while I realize that the show has acknowledged Loki’s gender fluidity and we’re meant to assume that Lady Loki (I guess? Not sure if we’re going with that or not here) is Loki, I saw a theory somewhere about how this is actually not Loki-Loki, but - I wanna say her name Sophie but that’s the actress, again I can’t go look it up bc I will lose my train of thought - but it’s a character who is similar to Amora and who was created by Loki and models herself as Loki but she’s actually someone else.

Ugh I can’t remember the details of the theory, but I am kinda going with it bc I don’t think that Loki would look so - not surprised but just kind of “oh, well, I wasn’t expecting that” if he were seeing the female version of himself. Like, he doesn’t seem to recognize her the way I assume he would recognize himself, male or female. Not only does that make me feel like she’s actually someone else, but also not recognizing her as the female version of himself doesn’t necessarily mean Loki doesn’t recognize her at all. He may very well recognize her as this other Amora-similar character and, if so, I really want to see how that character fits with MCU Loki (as I think she’s a comic book character but, again, I’d have to go back and find that theory).

Edit: I found a version of it here.

Overall score, B-. Mostly solid, but needs moar Loki breakdowns and tears. (That's just me, don't fucking judge me.) Also, I really hate that we have to wait a week between episodes. I wish they were following Netflix’s method of dropping the entire season at once but, then again, if they did that, I’m not sure any of us would survive.

I gotta get ready for work and I deleted and rewrote so much of this and it still seems nonsensical to me, lmfao fml. Anyway feel free to interact/send me asks/whatever, it’s going to be a long fucking day with all of this on my mind. I’ll be working my way through my dash as best as I can.

Oh, also! Loki is so fucking pretty in this episode! The TVA suit is ugly, but he makes it work, and his hair's combed nicely and he looks like he finally got an opportunity to sleep and shower and eat something and, yknow, it's working for him.

[flashfuture]

Okay so I have a question. Is Oliver Queen a particularly shitty dad or something? Because I've seen him in a few comics, one of them with Connor, and honestly he seemed fine. Like I know him and Roy don't have a particularly great relationship, and Ollie kinda fucked up with him, but like is this just the case with Roy?

I'm asking this because people generally ignore this thing about Bruce, who has a been a mostly shitty dad for a while now, and generally make excuses for him, citing the fact that he wasn't always like this. Most fics featuring him show him as a good parent. But fanfic authors go out of their way to show Ollie as a terrible father, and an asshole in general, especially when pitted against Bruce? Why is it this way?

PS. I haven't read many Green Arrow comics.

Okay so this is gonna get long lol

Snowbirds Don’t Fly is where Roy is on heroin and there are many many misconceptions about this particular issue

#1 this was a PSA which means certain characters have to play a role even if it seems out of character 

#2 That is the only time ever that Ollie has hit Roy. And Roy hit him back later not that this excuses it but yeah nowhere near anything like Bruce

#3 The whole kicked out of the house thing. Roy was an adult. A full-grown adult who lived on his own. Roy only got into heroin because Ollie left on a road trip thinking his kid would be fine

#4 Ollie himself is an alcoholic so say what you will but personally, I know addicts in families can get pissed when other people also get addicted to things just based on personal experience 

#5 After fucking up Ollie went out of his way to learn everything he could about addiction and recovery. He went out of his way to earn Roy’s forgiveness and then a few years later Roy agreed to reconciliation. All this happened in the 70s and by the end of it Roy and Ollie were fine and firmly in the father-son category without much lingering animosity

But then the 90s and Chuck Dixon happened. Dixon hated Ollie. He wanted to kill Ollie. So he made Ollie as unbearable as possible. For example, Ollie who loves kids, always wanted kids pushed away Connor Hawke as soon as he learned it was his real son, ran off with eco-terrorists, and blew up in a plane crash. Really dumb story

Anyways after this Roy was heartbroken he’d lost his dad. Like they were really close and people really hang on to an argument/ fuck up that happened going on 50 years ago. While conversely as you said waving away arguments that have happened consistently and recently. And Bruce started being abusive in the 80s like full-on horrible dad after Jason died. 

Then in 2001 ish Ollie is brought back to life. And he’s handed off to Judd Winick. Winick is a racist, sexist, and all-around bad writer. He’s noted for creating a black love interest for Ollie just to kill her brutally because of an argument with a Black Lightning writer. 

The other thing is Winick played Ollie like a womanizer and a cheater. Birds of. Prey also ran with this because that series had a nasty habit of bashing men. 

So basically Ollie was called a cheater for that time he was drugged and assaulted, kissed against his will by a teenager who he pushed off, and slept with a woman while he and Dinah weren’t dating. Cheating.... I can’t even explain the level of devotion to Dinah that Ollie displays. She is it for him really he isn’t even a flirt. Hal is the flirt. 

Winick also whitewashed and sidelined Connor a bunch cause screw him right. 

So that series did not shed a good light on Ollie and it’s sort of done damage to his rep when we should be ignoring it like we do with King’s work because it was that bad and ooc. 

What was valid from that series was Ollie adopting Mia Dearden after seeing she could use a hand up from where was in life. What was valid was Ollie spending all the time he could with Connor because he missed out on his son's whole life. And spending time with Roy and his granddaughter Lian. Like Ollie loves kids he loves Dinah and he loves his family. 

That’s who he is. 

New52 is another reason. So Ollie got shafted and shafted hard. 

He and Dinah weren’t dating at the start? I don’t think they were

Roy was no longer Ollie’s son but his co-worker

Connor and Mia just didn’t exist. Mia showed up for 6 issues and hasn’t since. Connor has only recently re-appeared in the Robin comic. 

Ollie and Roy didn’t get along because Ollie fired Roy for drinking on the job and that was sort of it. They weren’t father and son here so it’s a weird idea to compare them to Jason and Bruce and if you look at canon Bruce is still the worse one

But Rebirth has reset Roy to being Ollie’s son and Ollie was crushed when Roy died. Is still crushed cause i don't think he knows Roy is alive. 

Also Ollie is just like a generally good dude. He’s a genuine socialist and environmentalist. He uses his money when he’s got it to promote these things and sometimes blackmails corrupt rich people into supporting social services. 

Like you know Dick saying he wants to be Blüdhaven’s safety net? That is a page right out of the Oliver Queen playbook. 

Ollie funds most of the justice league really always has since like Zero Hour. Bruce and him probably are the two who do but it’s remarked upon multiple times that Ollie was the first (in some timelines) and main benefactor. 

I’ve noticed what you have in fanfics too and it drives me crazy. With the addition or I should say lack of Dinah and Hal. Dinah was absolutely like a mother to Roy. She’s his mama. She got him through his detox. Hal was the one who brought Roy to her. 

(Most people gloss over that Hal was like an Uncle to both Roy and Wally)

So yeah whenever I see Ollie bashing plus no mention of Dinah I know that the writer knows next to nothing about Ollie. 

Also Bruce likes to say Ollie is just as bad as him when Ollie is categorically a better person in like every way lol. 

This isn’t to say there is anything wrong with fanon-ing Bruce. But I just don’t understand why Ollie is essentially fanon-ed in the opposite direction. 

Roy will always get along with Ollie better and be safer with him than Jason would be with Bruce. But fanon wants to play off like Roy hates Ollie and is terrified of him or whatever which even in the darkest New52 pits of hell that wasn’t even true. 

I’m not sure why it’s gotten to be this way tbh. Bruce, Dick, Ollie, and Roy are the golden ages boys who got to stay young and they’ve all been slandered by writers but fans seem really only capable of ignoring when Bruce is written badly which is so odd. Like Dick gets called out for things that are so wildly ooc it astounds me that Bruce out of all people is the one people want to ignore is just sort of the worst. 

Lol yeah I got ranty. As you can tell I am very passionate about this and I just wish more people would even try to find out about Ollie before assuming things that are not true. 

Hope this helped somewhat