#everything is so new to me bc i haven't been here on earth for very long it's all so scary

[ttyls]

very big large feelings and emotioning... blech!

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

im a trans boy who has grown up with very oppressive religious parents so ive never gotten the chance to experiment sexually or romantically with peers irl, im about to move to the city for college in the fall

(i will be living on campus with two roommates who i haven't met yet and i know basically nothing about, one of them i will be sharing a bunk bed with)

im really nervous about how im gonna do socially.. ive had a really hard time making and maintaining irl friends for like my entire life, which has been really upsetting for me obviously.

being able to experiment sexually is something im really wanting to do and im really really nervous about it, i know that the most straightforward advice is just "talk about it to people you wanna do sex stuff with" but like everything is new to me i havent had the chance to really socialize irl up until this point and now im being shoved into a group of other young adults who all have the prior experience of being well socialized and having complex interpersonal relationships with peers

i also feel extremely insecure about my lack of experience, like is it actually normal for someone my age to have never had a romantic or sexual encounter? are the things ive discovered and assumptions ive made about myself sexually through masturbating wrong?? i can't watch porn bc looking at strangers having sex grosses me out!! im pretty sure my front hole is like unnaturally tight?? anything wider than two of my fingers is uncomfortable and no matter how much prep and easing myself into it i do, it stays that way.. and i think my cervix is also lower than most, about 3-4 inches is the maximum that i can insert before i can feel it bump my cervix (which hurts REALLY BAD)

im just so nervous and scared about my own body and personality and all that andi don't know where to look for resources or reassurance. ive never been to the doctor for any kind of reproductive care and im really scared to!!! i live in a state that has completely outlawed abortion rights and im really scared that if i go to planned parenthood or something to get like a checkup that they will be mean and not gentle with me

i don't know, i guess im just looking to be heard and hopefully pointed towards some resources if anyone has any, thank you for the work you do and thank you for taking the time to read my panicked ramblings

hi anon,

there's a lot happening here so I'm just doing a numbered list

1.) man, how did the third guy luck out and avoid the bunk bed? you don't have to answer that, I'm just curious how you guys have already worked out that two of you are stuck with the bunk beds. unless you're into bunk beds (I was), in which case mazel tov.

2.) in the nicest way possible, I think you may be vastly overestimating how "well socialized" other students are going to be. reading between the lines a bit, it sounds like you were maybe home schooled, or at least don't have very much experience mingling with other people your age without adult supervision. I guarantee you every public school in the world is also full of introverted freak losers who rock up to college with no idea of what they're doing; I was one of them. the majority of first year college students are also running around panicking and trying to figure out how to be away from their parents for the first time; everyone is a loser and no one is cool.

would it comfort you at all to know that my day job is organizing events at my office's LGBT student resource center? I spend a lot of time hanging out with queer first year students, and I love them dearly, and they're all cringefail losers. it's unavoidable. every 18 year old is a cringefail loser. every single person on Earth looks back at their 18 year old self and goes "goddamn, what a cringefail loser." and it's fine! it's so normal! that's the entire point of your first year of college! you try things and you're socially awkward and you meet some of the most important people you will ever meet and you meet people whose opinions about you won't matter literally at all and you'll completely change how you think about everything for the rest of your life and you'll think you're going to die and everything will be fine!!!!

anyway moving on

3.) it's normal for anyone at any age to have never had a romantic or sexual encounter. I'm assuming you value my insight at least a little, since you sent this, so would it help you to know that I arrived at college as virginal as could be (wildly insecure about it, btw) and didn't have sex for the first time until I was almost 21? would it comfort you to hear from my housemate, also transmasculine, who gave me permission to share that they've never had sex and that none of their life problems really have anything to do with being a virgin?

4.) "are the things ive discovered and assumptions ive made about myself sexually through masturbating wrong??" hard to say, since I don't know what those things are, but probably not. it's extremely hard to get masturbating wrong, no one knows what feels good to you better than you. you're sort of an authority here. masturbating isn't exactly like partnered sex, of course, but it's a really good place to start learning about things that you like and make you feel good.

5.) everything you're describing about your front hole sounds very typical. two fingers is the max number of comfortable fingers for a lot of people, regardless of experience; often, taking something larger doesn't become easier until after having penetrative sex with a partner. average vaginal depth is about 3.6 inches, and while that can increase significantly with arousal, it's something that doesn't generally happen if you're not relaxed during sex. if I can be a bit presumptuous, it sounds like sex and masturbation are maybe a bit anxiety-inducing for you, in a way that is pretty much perfectly contradictory to comfortable penetration. if I can offer you some advice I wish I could give my younger self: calm the fuck down, buy some lube, stop worrying so much about making your body react the way you think it should and learn to appreciate what it's actually doing, and maybe see if your campus has some free therapy options available. anxiety meds probably wouldn't hurt this situation. also stop hitting your cervix if that hurts oh my god.

6.) Planned Parenthood is generally one of the best places to go if you're nervous; they're aggressively queer friendly and tend to be extremely accommodating of patients' needs. I personally do not care for penetration at all and have a difficult time with Pap smears, and every examiner I've ever had at PP has been an angel about letting me take breaks and swear my way through it. it ain't fun, but if you want to have an adventurous sex life you need to take care of the health of yourself and your prospective partners by getting STI tests and Pap smears.

you're so normal, calm down, I love you

[wikiangela]

fuck it friday

tagged by @daffi-990 @giddyupbuck @spotsandsocks

hi!! i'm back lol - well, the craziness at work is done and I'm slowly getting back to writing bc I haven't written in like a week and it's killing me lol (this is gonna sound dramatic but I literally don't feel like myself if I don't write for too long haha) I don't have anything new to share rn, but I figured since it's already december and since some of y'all are sharing Christmas fics, and knowing I likely won't write one this year, I'm gonna shamelessly plug my holiday fake dating fic with 4 Christmases and 6 Christmas chapters actually 😂 (Christmas was a very important time for Buck and Eddie's relationship in this lol) - there's obvi more holidays in this but anyway, here's a snippet of their first Christmas together also, it's been a year since I posted the first chapter and I'm feeling nostalgic lol, this fic is my baby and I love it so much (tho there's so many things I'd change now lol)

[read on Ao3]

___

Turns out, Buck is very much serious about the whole thing, and Christopher finds it hilarious and is eager to play along. Eddie doesn’t have valid arguments not to do it, and it’s not like he doesn’t want to. After another snide comment when talking to his parents, he made his decision. And he already felt this exciting feeling of satisfaction when he told them he’d be bringing someone for Christmas this year – miraculously, Buck and Eddie don’t work on Christmas, and they took an additional day off, so their schedules allow for a three-day trip to Texas. 

So now, it’s Christmas Eve and they’re on their way from the airport to Eddie’s childhood home, and he’s nervous, doubts just starting to seep in. What on earth possessed him to do this? He can’t lie to his family. He can’t pretend to be in love with Buck. What if he really does fall in love with him? What if everything goes to shit? He’s watched enough movies to know it’s a bad idea, but he couldn’t and still can’t bring himself to stop it.

“So.” Eddie says, his voice shaking slightly, as they sit in a cab. “We’re doing this.”

“Yep.” he can hear Buck grin next to him. “Unless you still wanna back out?” he adds quickly. They could still say Buck’s just a friend. No big deal. But Eddie does have this petty desire to stir something up, and this seems perfect. 

“No. It’ll be fine.” he smiles at Buck, and then feels hot when Buck grabs his hand and interlaces their fingers, winking at him. Christopher laughs.

“You’d make a great couple.” he comments. He’s been unusually happy about all of this. He also asked Eddie a few days ago if Eddie loves Buck, which prompted a conversation, but he thinks Chris knows what’s going on now. Eddie doesn’t really know what to think about that.

“Thanks, buddy.” Buck responds excitedly, squeezing Eddie’s hand, and he can’t contain a smile. If not anything else, at least all three of them are going to have a lot of fun.

___

no pressure tags: @elvensorceress @gaydiaz @diazass @thebravebitch @silentxxsoul @shortsighted-owl @eddiebabygirldiaz @arthursdent @diazblunt @911onabc @spagheddiediaz @housewifebuck @gayhoediaz @rogerzsteven @watchyourbuck @monsterrae1 @honestlydarkprincess @underwater-ninja-13 @eowon @exhuastedpigeon @weewootruck @loserdiaz @evanbegins @steadfastsaturnsrings @ladydorian05 @malewifediaz @pirrusstuff @theotherbuckley @911-on-abc @hoodie-buck @wildlife4life @fortheloveofbuddie @nmcggg @diazpatcher @jeeyuns @jesuisici33 @thewolvesof1998 @lover-of-mine @hippolotamus @disasterbuckdiaz @jamespearce9-1-1

[luckyqueenreign]

Hello o/ I've recently started playing litg again, I left after 4th mid-season after lame-ass Will coupled with Thabi, I haven't played the 5th season bc I've heard that it's hot garbage, could you please tell me why? I don't mind spoilers, but I haven't found any answers other than that. Thank you a lot!

Ohhhh babe settle in while I relive that dumpster fire, this is going to be a long one…

Anyone who’s played s5 will back me on this, If you were annoyed with Will leaving us for Thabi, I STRONGLY advise you to not even *think* about playing s5.

First let’s start off with MC…she was… not cute. For reference:

And I know that after a few weeks fb gave us more options and all of our MCs either became cuter in our eyes or maybe we all just felt extremely sorry for her because of the horrible experience she was having. Let’s get into that next…

Your MC walks into the villa and immediately is greeted by none other than her super hot, narcissistic, cheating ex, Suresh. Normally I would have to tell you oh I did X route so some of my choices will defer from yours if you pick another choice, but NOPE not in s5! Because we had ZERO choice. For first recoupling whether you want to or not, you are coupled with your ex, Suresh. Then he is fawning over you IMMEDIATELY, he’s jealous, running around after you, trying everything to win you back. And you can choose every single positive interaction saying you want him back too and the game doesn’t care. It literally won’t let you get back with him until the very end. But on the other spectrum, if you don’t want to be with him, he will not leave you alone no matter how much you beg.

As for LI choices, at the start you are given TWO. (I say at the start, but to be honest you’re really only give 2 for the majority of the season) One being Alfie and the other being Dana. Now every season before this and every season after, one of the girls always asks if you are into girls and this determines whether they will have girls grafting you or not. Well your answer doesn’t matter here. You could have said I’m the straightest person on earth and Dana would still hit on you everyday and get sad whenever anyone else showed interest in you. Oh and because there were only two other girls in the villa and one being your bully, dana was also meant to be your best friend and CONSTANTLY let you know that she was. By interrupting any and all conversations you were having, even good ones! You’re about to kiss your LI? Here comes Dana! There’s a lot more to unpack on Dana but I’ll get back to her later, just remember she’s your “best friend” in the villa.

As for the bully I mentioned, every season prior to this it’s been clear that whenever someone was coming after us, it’s because they were jealous that MC was “that girl”, s5 blurred those lines and became full on bullying. First with Kat, who went into full attack mode when MC even breathed in the direction of the two boys she was after. Her first and very brief LI was Alfie, who if MC just hugs garners a feral reaction from Kat screeching at her to leave him alone. And then her second LI, Finn who comes in as the first bombshell and Kat drops everything to be with him. Throughout the season anytime she feels any sort of jealousy she takes it out on MC and MC NEVER fires back!

Then we get two new bullies bombshells, Meera and Arlo. Suresh starts heavily flirting with Arlo, which I’m sorry but wasn’t he just up our asses literally yesterday?? And legit, who wrote this season and thought this was ok?? bc even if I hated my ex it wouldn’t be nice to see him flirting with someone else. Meera comes across like a super nice girl while Arlo becomes our second bully! Yay! Again even if you don’t want to be with Suresh, Arlo acts as if you do. And after a prolonged recoupling Suresh chooses Arlo, Alfie chooses MC and Meera is sent home (more on her later) Now if you wanted to be with him you’re probably thinking wtf Suresh?? And if you don’t you’re probably thinking, finally I’m free!! But NOPE when he couples up with Arlo that’s when he decides he’s going super full on and starts going after MC even harder. He wears the shirt she bought him for an anniversary on a date, he tries/kisses MC in the bedroom (depends on your choice) and just overall is doing everything to win MC back except for being honest and dumping Arlo to be with MC. Well Kat sees the kiss/hug/rejection and still tells the entire villa that you and Suresh were kissing in bed. The whole villa erupts, Alfie/Dana rush off and are super pissed at you, they won’t even let you explain yourself. So then you try to go find Alfie/Dana and you go to the roof terrace only to find Alfie kissing Kat or Dana kissing Eddie (if you’re on her route he’s coupled with Dana but she doesn’t really like him) OH and just a reminder, you have past trauma from when your long term ex CHEATED ON YOU. Alfie/Dana knew about this the whole time and yet STILL kissed someone else. Then Suresh takes this opportunity where you’re at your lowest again to apologize for cheating and tells you have until tonight to decide if you want to be with him or not. The girls also ask that night who you want to be with and your given the choice of Alfie/Suresh and when you go to tell one of them who you want to be with….they’re gone! YUP! They’re off to casa!!

And you might be thinking, after all that drama casa might be a nice break! A few days of freedom from the mess that’s gone down. THINK AGAIN BESTIE! While you’re at casa you get a major surprise! Remember that girl Suresh cheated on you with??? Oh yea the producers decide to drop her into YOUR casa villa. So you have to come face to face with Gabby, the girl that your ex cheated with. Now this was obviously a massive departure from the irl show because they’ve never thrown a girl into the girls villa at casa amor before. And remember your bestie Dana?? Oh yea she gets SUPER hot and bothered by Gabby and decides she wants to bring her back into the villa.. now I know you’re probably thinking wait but what if your on Dana’s route?? Obviously she wouldn’t cheat on MC with Eddie and then bring back the girl that Suresh cheated with!! WELL SHE DID BB!!!

Throughout the season we’ve been given very little detail about Suresh and MCs relationship. We know he cheated, he said it was a one time thing, MC found out about it from a picture on his phone. OH how could I forget!! We also find out that MC was going to propose to Suresh!! The day before he cheated she bought a ring! Well that’s all we knew until gabby says nah we were more than just a one time thing, he had a tooth brush at my place! We dated for months!

So now casa is over and we’re going back, the game doesn’t let us go back single and we have to pick either Nicholas or Johnny to bring back to the villa. Doesn’t matter who you choose they go nuts regardless. So now Gabby is back in the main villa thanks to your “bestie” and Suresh is STRESSING. Because obviously he left out some crucial details! And you would think ok we’re immediately going to talk to him? NOPE we need a fucking girls chat with the new casa girls. Lulu, Suresh’s new girl…Meera is back with alfie and remember that nice girl? Well she’s gone and we now have a full on bitch in her place aka Bully #3. Eddie is sent packing and tells us that whichever guy you like / Dana still really likes you and thought about you the whole time during casa. Cool cool cool but will any of them tell you this?? Nah lol! So you get pulled in the middle of your slumber for a chat with Gabby and Suresh. He tells you in front of Gabby he cheated once but then mc broke up with him and he went to gabby and they dated for 5 months. Full on rebound relationship. He tells them both that he never loved Gabby and that MC is the only one he’s ever loved. Well she’s not having that! Gabby goes full on delulu and basically doesn’t accept what he’s said. Now at the time there was major upset online about Gabby not being romance-able bc in all fairness she was extremely hot. So the game now allows you to romance Gabby and you’d think they’d change SOME of the interactions but NOPE they didn’t. So basically the entire time she’s running after Suresh trying to win him back. So much so that she explodes one day and reveals to everyone that he was going to propose!! Shock and awe all around the villa while everyone looks pitifully at MC.. at this point in the gameplay I think we were all so tired at the sheer embarrassment we were enduring weekly. And then Suresh announces hey that wasn’t for you dummy it was for MC!! Buttttt remember when he found out weeks ago that MC was going to propose??? Why tf didn’t he say anything then?? BECAUSE THAT WOULD MAKE TOO MUCH SENSE. Oh and speaking of making sense… if you’re on Suresh’s route and you somehow survive the weekly torture, I kind of blacked out at the end, but he proposes and MC obviously wins because she should.

I know I left out so much bullying (Nicolas and Eddie) and so much other shit that goes down, but this was getting too long. Bestie if you’re still here, all in all just don’t play it. You’ll have severe ptsd from it. You’re better off reading all of the fanfics the amazing fandom created.

[multi-lefaiye]

FFF #226: By Any Other Name

haven't participated in @flashfictionfridayofficial in a HOT fuckin minute, but i finally got a piece together that i like for a prompt that got me excited <3 posting on sunday bc no gods no masters teehee :3 (and because i was exhausted after work on friday)

this is about a specific oc, but i deliberately wrote it in a very... abstract way, for lack of a better way to put it. if you know who this is about, i would be genuinely surprised.

here we go!

Their Name is Death.

content warnings: non-graphic descriptions of violence and murder, including a specific mention of gun violence.

word count: 997

-

Their name is a shaky breath, a mother's comforting whisper to the squirming infant in her arms. It's a promise, to love and to protect for many years to come. A soft kiss to their downy forehead seals the deal, spreading warmth through their tiny form. Their life has just begun, and the road ahead is full of hope. The twinge of fear in her chest is easy to ignore.

Their name is a warning, spoken in a stern voice dry and exhausted from overuse. Curious feet on wobbly legs tumble through an exciting new world with hardly a care, all the while their mother follows behind. They don’t know yet that the world can be dangerous, and she fears the day they trip and fall. Her voice is harsh and sometimes frightening, but her intentions are noble (so she hopes, watching them falter and cower before her).

Their name is a prison, its thin, gilded bars stretching as far as the eye can see. They are protected from a world that wants to do them harm, but they’re trapped. Day by day, the lion paces their cell, eyeing their captors with thinly veiled contempt. Their mother tells them this is for the best. They disagree. The lion’s claws grow sharper.

Their name is a lucky break. A chance to see a world deprived from them. Sunlight streams through their spread fingers as wind ruffles their hair. There is a ferocity in the wild around them, but as they run barefoot through the trees they feel tenderness in each step. Outside of their cage, the world is alive, and their heart swells with confidence that they’ll never die.

Their name is familiarity. They meet a stranger, one with a light shining in his eyes and a gentle smile on his face. He speaks to them in the voice of an old friend, and the weary hand he offers them is sure and strong. They take his hand, and he pulls them to their feet. Behind them, the sun begins to set, casting shadows over the world. Over the stranger’s face.

Their name is a fatal mistake. A clawed hand closes around their neck, crushing their throat. The world around them is burning, flames reaching toward the sky with grasping tendrils of heat and destruction. They can’t breathe, they can’t see, they can’t hear. Nothing and everything falls to pieces around them, until suddenly it’s all over. Sharp, piercing agony blooms in their abdomen, and suddenly all is quiet. They fall to the earth, cradled in ash and dust.

Their name is lost. Weary eyes crusted with death slowly creak open, and they see that they are alone. The shards impaling their body are stained red, and their ribcage is hollow in a way it’s never been before. Slowly, they stand, feeling white hot static in their veins. The jagged tears in their flesh sluggishly knit themselves back together, and they stagger through the rubble. Each step is more sure than the last, but the hollow ache in their chest only grows. They’re alive, despite it all, but their heart is gone.

Their name is change. Years pass, and they grow stronger. Open wounds scab over until they become gnarled knots of scar tissue. They travel with a cloak around their shoulders and a hood hiding their face. Static remains in their veins. The world is no longer beautiful and nurturing, and they no longer see beauty in the life around them. Around them, seasons pass. Time marches on. They march on, too.

Their name is a leap of faith. His name is an opportunity. They meet on a rainy day, two strangers seeking shelter in the same rotting shed. Where they are all sharp edges and red-raw rashes, he is gentle, he is soft, and he is warm. He sits across from them, a small campfire between them, and speaks words of reassurance they haven’t heard in many years. They don’t trust him, but he takes no offense.

Their name is a friend. They meet the man several more times, always by chance. He greets them with respect, never pushing against their frayed and tattered nerves. After three meetings, they begin to seek him out, and he accepts them with ease every time. He shares his cloak with them, hands them a hunk of fresh bread. His hands are gentle as he holds their own, his eyes the color of a spring breeze. A new beginning blooms in the grass between them.

Their name is hope. His name is father. Between them is a child, only hours old, sleeping peacefully as the night fades into day. Their husband smiles at them both, at this little family cobbled together from spare parts and rusty nails. His arm is around them, holding them protectively. Lovingly. There is sunlight in the gaping hole in their chest.

Their name is a gunshot. A piercing, sudden, terrible sound. It echoes in the silence, ringing until their ears bleed. Their husband slumps to the ground, his spring-colored eyes lifeless and dull. Behind him, his killer steps back, grimacing as his blood begins to spill and seep into the moss. She doesn’t want it soaking into her shoes. She doesn’t spare a single glance to the family she destroyed as she turns, directing her followers to keep searching.

Their name is grief. All-consuming devastation that pulls them apart at the seams. The hole in their chest aches to be filled, now that their heart is a smear on the ground in front of them. Tears fall freely down their face as their son clings to them. Anger makes the tears hot, burning tracks of fire searing their skin. They stare at their husband’s body, then lift their head to look at his killer. Her back is to them. All at once, their grief becomes boiling hot rage.

Their name is devastation.

Their name is vengeance.

Their name is death.

Their name is all alone.

[risette-blast]

PERSONA 2 INNOCENT SIN SPOILERS AHEAD! DON'T READ THIS IF YOU'RE REMOTELY INTERESTED IN PLAYING THE GAME AND HAVEN'T BEEN SPOILED ON IT!!

(oh there are also traitor spoilers for P5 in here, but I feel like anyone who has played P2 has also played P5 already lol)

so last night, I finished P2IS. the ending still hurts by the way lol. but i've had a bit of time since then to think about the game in retrospect. so i wrote up a thought dump with sort of my "initial" thoughts on the game on twitter. afterwards, i decided to repost it here but with more detail since i'm not constrained with a character limit the same way I am with twitter (it's still gonna be in bullet points bc I don't really want to structure this like an essay haha)

this game's ending really was brutal. this is the main thing I've commented on ever since finishing the game, but it truly is awful. Maya is stabbed and killed, Lisa can't even heal her with Dia no matter how much she tries. the Earth is destroyed by suddenly stopping its rotation, causing the resultant inertia to instantly kill everything. in the end, it just turns out to be a rigged game between Philemon and Nyarlathotep (god that name is hard to spell lol). and then the entire cast is forced to go back in time and forget their memories with each other and everything to prevent the world from ending again. it's truly a cruel fate for them, I really did want them to have a happy ending so it just really hurts. 😭

a lot of this game's moments hit hard due to how good the OST is. this has honestly gone up to being one of my favorite Persona OSTs, and given how strong its competition has been, that's a noteworthy feat.

the gameplay was ass lol. I can't pretend it was good, it's worse than P1 in some areas which is wild (still liked IS more overall though, 1 has some very questionable mechanics)

now apparently this is specific to the PSP version, but man the menus were so slow. thankfully I was playing on an emulator so I even had this option but I genuinely just sped up the game somewhat frequently just to get through the menus more quickly

it was also probably the easiest Persona game I've ever played. P5R is genuinely harder. i'm not even kidding. I've gone on and on about how easy P5R is (on twitter), but P2IS makes P5R look challenging in comparison.

the characters were great. i didn't think I'd care about them as much as I did. they all had wonderful bonds with each other. personally I felt like yukino was the "weak" link, and like she doesn't have the bonds the other do so it only makes sense. and even then? she has some great moments and is genuinely well written too. I had played P1 before this but yukino wasn't in my party so she essentially disappeared; it's nice to actually get to know her.

that said, I don't rly like how P1 and P2 both kinda hide extra character details behind very optional dialogue that's easy to miss. it's not nearly as bad in IS though bc they get more characterization in the main story, so a lot of the characters in IS resonated with me more on a first playthrough than 1's characters did.

I've heard some people say P2's shadow encounters are better than P4's. I'm not sure I agree with that at least just from IS, but I thought they were pretty competent. I did like that they built up to the shadow encounters throughout the game, it's an interesting approach.

...personally I still like the P4 shadow encounters more overall. I just also really like the way the IS shadow encounters were handled too especially in the context of the story.

the dialogue about personas and masks was really cool. I wish the new Persona games did acknowledge that everyone has multiple masks they put on. the only characters from P3-P5 who really explore this imo (as far as I can remember) are Rise and Akechi, and even then, it's not nearly as substantial as 1/2. Rise's arc is more about her accepting that she can have multiple selves that are all her, and with Akechi, while he has two different masks that represent both the facade he presents to society vs his true nature, it's just a case of facade vs true nature, whereas IS acknowledges that everyone has multiple masks they present to society that form a full self.

I personally wasn't too invested in the romance options, and the game clearly didn't consider them super important either seeing as they barely affect the story or interactions, but I really did like that Jun was presented as a genuine, serious option. also it's not like P3-5 where it's kinda subjective, I feel like Jun just fits the best especially in retrospect.

I now truly understand why newsona's mechanics (calendar, s.links, etc) wouldn't work at all. there's no room in the story for that.

I didn't think the pacing was the best tbh. it feels like not a lot happens at first, then they throw a ton of story at you halfway through the game, then a lot more near the end. it could've been distributed a little better. I hear EP is better with this though.

I do have a few issues with the way the plot was presented. tbh it was just a little absurd lol, and also revealing that the whole story was Philemon vs Nyarlathotep (again, tough name to spell lol) at the very end was kinda mid. maybe I'll like it more with the context of EP. but what really made the story for me was ultimately the characters and their development, not so much the actual events in the plot itself, if that makes sense.

I love the ending theme, kimi no tonari. when you realize that the sumaru city (and a lot of songs in the game) share the same general leitmotif it just makes you sad to hear them in retrospect 😔

[ehnrat]

Pleaaase tell me about your favorite GemOc/Sona. I haven't used mine in eons, but I miss the incredible designs and stories people used to put into theirs.

the way i exploded into a million hearts and sparkles and confetti

OKAY SO I GOT LIKE A LOT OF GEM OCS HERE SO I MIGHT RAMBLE

BUT THE MAIN ONES I LOVE AND HAVE THE MOST LORE FOR ARE: LaLi (Lapis Lazuli, she/her), Pearl (he/him), and Bear (Pink Beryl, they/he) !

Together, they are the Flower Gems—sworn protectors of preserving the Earth's beauty, flora, and fauna.

Putting this under a read more bc i typed a lot <:3c

Starting with my dear LaLi, she was the first gem oc (used to be gemsona) i made back in 2014 !! Here's her most up-to-date visual vs her first one owo

Lapis Lazuli's are my fav gemstones (thanks hamtaro) and i made her before SU Lapis was announced/revealed. LaLi is a friendly gem who loves sparring, human culture, photography, playing the piano, and meeting new beings. She can manipulate both water and sand, but she mainly prefers fighting with her Khopesh sword weapon. She taught herself how to fight by watching some soldier gems during her terraforming days.

She grew a bond with Pearl when she was assigned to aid his superior, Petalite, and wanted to get to know him more. During the time of the rebellion, Petalite abandoned Pearl when their ship was attacked, causing LaLi to whisk Pearl away to Earth away from the danger. There, she and Pearl began to grow closer and find themselves in their new world. They even had their first fusion (Prehnite) on Earth !

She started out pretty silent and observant, but she soon blossomed into an outgoing type who wants to fight for her friends (and fight in general, she loves to fight). She's still very much observant tho, making sure their world is free from dangers and her buddies are doing okay, becoming the de facto leader of the Flower Gems.

---

Next up, we have my second gem oc (also used to be gemsona) Pearl ! I created Pearl before there were any lore or information that there were other Pearls as well as Pearl being my birthstone and another favorite gemstone of mine :3

I haven't made a new visual for him, but here's his sort of up-to-date visual vs his first one

At first, Pearl's lore was that he was a Homeworld Gem that had a past with LaLi and came down to Earth to retrieve her. He was sort of an antagonist to her. Now, as explained above, he was saved by LaLi and lived life with her on Earth to protect it's life. He was a self-proclaimed Fire Flower Knight.

Pearl is a somewhat snooty and arrogant gem who likes to keep up appearances and make sure everything is in proper check if LaLi is off doing her own thing. He can manipulate fire/heat and has a Glaive weapon. He's pretty hard to read and doesn't like to hang out with other as much as LaLi does, but he does like spending time with her, playing the violin, and sparring. Once you get to know him, he's pretty soft and kind and deathly afraid of rabbits. He's usually in charge of doing retcons and keeping maps and charts of places they've been.

Overall, Pearl is a pretty loyal gem who grew to be his own being and not allow to be controlled or shaped to fit anyone that didn't allow him to just be himself.

---

Lastly of the trio, we have Bear ! They also lack an updated ref, but here's their most up-to-date visual vs their first one !

Bear's lore is that they were once a scholar gem on Homeworld, tasked with other Beryls to keep track of Gem History and Culture. His rank was pretty high and respected and he played his part and didn't care much for other gems nor the rebellion. However, in some of his notes on Earth where he jotted down it's beauty, the other beryls interpreted as Bear becoming rogue and planned to have him interrogated. Around the same time, he encountered another former high ranking gem, now turned "defect" by the name of Dentritic Agate (Dendé). Long story short, Dendé attacked Bear for being to nosey in his business and the two sort of have a history of not liking each other. They did end up crossing paths on Earth later on.

Bear ended up on Earth escaping his interrogation where they knew they were going to either get shattered or bubbled forever. Because of this, they were labeled a "traitor" and had a bounty on their head. He ended up getting wrapped up in the Gem War and poofed on the battle field, however, his gem managed to get buried underground for years. Eventually, he managed to reform by tapping into his latent earth manipulation, resurfacing to a new world.

With no one to turn to, Bear isolated themselves from other beings, trusting no one, but found comfort and solace with the Earth and animals around him. They ended up taking up forms of animals he befriended, especially a family of bears he was "adopted" into. He soon encountered humans, but kept his distance. However, these humans were destroying the forest he resided in, so he took on multiple forms of animals to drive them away, soon becoming an urban legend of a Shapeshifting Forest Protector.

i know i do want to work on his backstory more, but essentially he did end up getting close to a human after saving them and the human pestering them to be friends. Bear watched was there in the human's life watching them grow and have a family until one day their village was attacked and burned to the ground. The human ultimately got caught in cross fire and subsequently died in Bear's presence. Wanting to protect the place this human cared so much about, Bear shapeshifted into a multitudes of beasts and laid waste to the pillagers, but indirectly destroyed what little the village had left.

The remnant of people, including the human's family that survived, connected that Bear was that one myth of the forest, took it as a bad omen, and tried to have him killed. He ended up fleeing and never wanted to get close to humans again. Years later, he was founded by LaLi who was so ecstatic to see another gem and wanted him to join her small gem group of two. At first, Bear was annoyed, but LaLi's continuous pestering reminded him of his late human.

Begrudgingly, he joined her and found home with LaLi and Pearl. He was left alone to his own devices and mainly either stayed in his room or tended the gardens around their base. He tolerated the two and even saw them as family, SOMEWHAT, but he doesn't show it. He does care about them in his own, indirect way, and eventually made it his goal to become stronger to keep those he holds dear safe.

Oh also, they can manipulate Earth and their weapons are Dual Tonfas nwn they love playing their flute and tending flowers

---

AND THAT'S THE FLOWER GEMS !!! I tried to only get down their main points but man do i have a lot to say that i left out LMAOOO I used to run an ask blog for them years ago, but it's dead <:3c I still keep it around for memory sake <3

Man.... i got so many doodles and AUs and lore for these gems AND the others i haven't mentioned ARGHARGHARGH OTL

[teddybeartoji]

For Roma's beautiful little self-ship ask game I want to know about Mizai 🤭🤭

cosmic ౨ৎ who said i love you first? and how did that go?

wistful ౨ৎ what’s your sex life like?

raspberry ౨ৎ how did the two of you meet?

lipstick stain ౨ৎ where do you love to kiss them? where do they love to kiss you?

AAAAAAAAAAAA SYAAA HIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHH I LOVE THESE SO MUCHHH THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOUUU:3333333

cosmic ౨ৎ who said i love you first? and how did that go?

I SAID IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BC I JUST COULDN'T TAKE IT ANYMOREE!!!!!!!! I HAD TO GET IT OFF MY CHEST KINDA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! mizai is most definitely a kind of childhood friends to lovers type of thing and aaahhh you know how he is he kinda teases and jokes around and i was getting a little tired of.. not being sure. so i just kind of blurted it out one night lmao. aand it was a little weird actually bc for once in in my life i actually caught him a little off-guard. and then i kicked him out bc i got overwhelmed by the whole thing😭😭IT WAS FAR FROM PERFECT OKAY!!!!!!!! but uhh he gave me a bit time to cool off (literally less than hour i think it might've been less than thirty minutes actually) before he came back. i was sitting in the bathtub. and then we had this hushed conversation with hidden smiles and little teasing jokes.

wistful ౨ৎ what’s your sex life like?

FUN HEHEHHEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i think we're a good match bc we're both switches:3333333333 and freaks. hehehhee we both like to try new things and we both also like chuuya this is very important here but let's just brush over it for now shall we. i love him so bad sya it's crazy i love tying him upp aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa i'm going insane again somebody savee meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

raspberry ౨ৎ how did the two of you meet?

like i said before it's childhood friends to lovers thing!!!!!!!!!!! tbh i haven't really decided whether it's a real bsd world with powers or not but in my mind i still knew him when he was younger, like around the ages 13/14 and then he did kind off fall of the face of the earth when we were both 18 aaand then he reappeared when he was 20. kind of canon yk?? he doesn't talk about the two years and i don't push it, i just kind of took him back in. sure it was weird at first bc he was a little different now, a bit more brighter. but nevertheless... i was never able to really say no to him in the first place. I TOLD U JUST ABT EVERYTHING OTHER THAN WHAT YOU ASKED ME WE MET IN SCHOOL HEHEHHEE

lipstick stain ౨ৎ where do you love to kiss them? where do they love to kiss you?

i love to kiss his hands!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and knuckles and fingers!!!!!!!!! the most delicate, the softest kisses in the world!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! aaaand he loves to kiss my neck/jaw!!!!!!!!!!!! he always pushes my hair out of the way and it always makes me shiver:333333333 he's such a charmer actually smhhh

roma's selfship asks!

[xplrvibes]

ive decided i will commentate this one but it likely won’t be as long as the others bc like i dnt feel good. anyway…

im starting this commentary 4.5 minutes in so here is where we start.

this is the snc era where i loved both their fashion styles so much 🙌🏼

Ooh they meet steve and dylan here. i rly like them 🥰 you can tell dylans a cop bc of the way he stands back and watches everyone lol

this house is stunning

I thought colby had a little yellow rubber ducky on his belt and i didnt even question it… my brain is not braining (update it was his phone)

steves hot. there’s no denying it. that man is a man.

I got distracted looking at steve and now colbys in a casket what on earth ☠️

I dont get the fear of bats… why are they so scared of bats? I love bats… 🦇

I just realised they never said “whats up guys its snc” sad sad

i was gonna say snc need to start using pelican cases foe their gear but actually i hate moving pelican cases so props to them for risking thousands of dollars of gear on a camera bag 🙏🏼 bc honestly same. i carry my personal kit in a $5 backpack 🤷🏻‍♀️

i blissfully almost forgot the other one was in this video for a while bc he wasn’t making much of a presence. shattered.

i know theyre tripping out but thats an awesome pic of josh tbh

the ghost wants to talk to them in heaven? that’s fk up

“are they trapped somewhere?” “yeah… help” 😳

“borden… awful” they said it not me

dude i wanna be a petty bitch and not believe seth rn but he genuinely looks freaked out.

josh is really really good at estes. like damn…

“im coming” relatable when colby’s in the room

this is getting insane wtf

steve could tell me santa claus was real and id believe him 🥺

steve saying this is their first time experiencing such a drastic change in activity at this house (and theuve been here over 50 times)… again, further proof of snc being in the psychic realm bc this stuff always happens to them. always. and its bc colbys the psychic and sams the guide. fk

lmao steve and dylan being like nah dudes we dipping we got work in the morning lmao

k done - aussie anon

Oh, if you like Steve and Dylan and you haven't already done so, check out the prison video they did with them and Nate, Our Horrifying Night in Haunted Prison (as seen below, cause there's two prison episodes right near each other in the lineup):

This one is good for some "Colby just casually does psychic things" moments, too.

But yea, I enjoy Steve and Dylan quite a bit.

And omg, honestly, I'm just glad they finally got a regualr suitcase a couple of years ago, at least for the airport part of the travel. Prior to that, everything went into backpacks and duffel bags. 💀

But they must insure their shit (or they're just that rich lol), cause when all their crap including their new camera and light got stolen that time they were able to replace it like a week later, so I guess they figured as long as they protect the SD cards they can figure the rest out. 🤷‍♀️

And yea, this happens a lot cause of the energy these two are creating with their very presence, but what the hell do we know 🤣

[little-cereal-draws]

Major Shadow and Bone season two spoilers

OK BUT WHAT WAS THE REASON???? WHAT WAS THE REASON??? WHY DID DAVID DO THAT??????? IT WAS SO UNNECESSARY!! SOBBING

ok and now that i've got that out of my system, I actually do problems with how his death was treated.

It felt so... unnecessary. Putting aside my love for David, it felt so weird from an in-story point of view. I genuinely don't know why he did that. There was enough room for them both in the elevator and what on earth was he supposed to do against a being made of shadow? There was no tension of "what's going to happen to David" bc there was no way for him to win. I think he was supposed to be sacrificing himself so Genya could escape and be safe but honestly if he wanted to protect her, it would be better to live. He could seal doors to keep monsters out, he was studying how these creatures work at the beginning of the season so maybe he knew a secret weakness or smth, or at the very least they have a better chance of surviving if they stick together.

Locking her in an elevator is so stupid too bc he could have been dooming her. What if the elevator got stuck/broken and she couldn't get out? She would have suffocated or starved. What if a monster got in and she was boxed in? Literally no way for her to escape. Like it was such a stupid decision. Luckily neither of those happened but they very easily could have. (And then the fact that we don't see where the elevator goes or her getting out bothers me but that's not what this post is about.)

And this next thing may be a moot point bc the last two episodes were so busy and I'm not quite sure how to fit them in, but I wish we got to see at least a little bit of David fighting the monster. I know I said before there was no way for him to win but I at least want to see him try. I want to see David, a shy, introvert who has never been anywhere near the front lines, fight with everything he has to get back to Genya. He has no training, no idea what to do, nothing but the idea that he needs to get back to her. His death was already sad but this really would have pushed it to a new level. The way they had it, I already knew he was going to die bc the odds were so against him. But if they showed him trying to fight, it would have given the viewer a bit of hope and make it that much worse when he loses.

The last shot that we see of him is him standing in front of the elevator looking determinedly at the monster while Genya screams for him. I'll be honest, I actually did have a bit of hope for him here. We just saw this Durast saint in Shu Han kick everybody's asses; all these expert soldiers and criminals that we've seen win over and over, and she did it like it was nothing. And Jesper even had a very minor arc abt using his powers more and in more unconventional ways and I was hoping to see it reflected in David. We know he's an amazing Durast, one of the best ones in Ravka, and unlike Jesper he actually has training and knows how to use his powers. We last saw him standing in a workshop, surrounded by tools and materials that he knows how to use, and I was really hoping that he would figure out a way to use them in battle. Idk if he could actually hurt the monster but it would still be so cool and develop his character in a way we haven't seen before. Or at least he could make a flash bomb or smth like the ones Wylan uses and escape. But nope. I put too much faith in the writers to think they would do that.

Lastly, his death didn't advance the plot in anyway. If they wanted it to develop Genya, I really don't think it was the right choice. Over the course of this season, she's been mutilated, disabled, kept as a prisoner, thought she lost the love of her life, and confronted her abusers. She has already been so developed so much since season one, adding David's death doesn't really do anything. I think they did it just for shock value. And the way it was written didn't really make sense either? She's upset when she can't find him after the battle, she's upset when she finds the ruby in his coat, and then the next time we see her she's fine? She's laughing and smiling and hanging out with her friends. And I'm not saying that ppl who are grieving can't do those things, but it was just such an extreme 180 that happened so quickly, both in the episode's run time and the in-show timeline, that it felt jarring and like she didn't care anymore. And this is not hate on the actress ofc, she was amazing this season.

Idk I just think they handled David's death very poorly. But we didn't see his body so maybe he's still alive. I hope so, I love him so much.

[httpiastri]

some quick notes from your previous reply (i’m sorry i took so long ive been so busy recently but i finally have time now so):

firstly, i hope i never meet a handball player irl, ever. the fact that you just casually know people above 200cm?? i’m sorry but i’d actually feel like a pest around everyone 😓😓 (plus id get really jealous of heights) and id also be terrified to even stand near anyone close to 200 pls

and omg the fact that the guy who got you into coaching recently passed? i hope you’re doing okay 😓🙏 but if it helps— he may not have known how much he changed your life, but through coaching, you’re basically keeping his legacy alive, yeah? i think it matters, personally, that people are remembered and honoured and you’re kinda doing that through coaching, because you’re kinda solidifying (if that’s the right word for it) the fact that he existed, and he did enough good to change the lives of people for the better, and that his time here on earth wasn’t all in vain because he did good and he brought joy to people like you by leading you to being a coach and that his impact lives on even when he’s gone yk? it’s a form of closure, i think— to know that even if someone is gone now, there are pieces of them scattered behind in little things (in your case, in your daily life as a coach), and that not all is lost, just a little harder to find

also oops the fact that i called them girls even though they’re only a barely a few years younger than me 😭😭

and omg pepe would 100% make me feel comfortable meeting him at a race even if he might be stressed and no way you got to go to races at 8?? you had a chance to be one of those cute kids probably decked out in merch (if no merch was involved you probably got to scream happily at everything and good for you😭😭 because thats exactly how races should be experienced)

finding sponsors can’t be that hard… we could infiltrate the space in various ways im sure (my friend’s mum knows someone who works for Marlboro that gets invited to races bc the company was an EX-sponsor so anything’s possible)

on a rather unrelated note— pepe’s been acting very much like a muse for me recently… whatever that might mean… (might even be nothing honestly sometimes i don’t know what i mean either)

anyway! as always, i hope you have a lovely lovely friday, and weekend, and june (pepe’s month!), and that people are kind to you and that the sky looks beautiful and gorgeous all the time ❤️❤️

- 🪷💗

gosh dont apologize :( esp since you know im bad at answering….. its alright 🥺 just glad to hear from you 🥺🥺

shdjdhd it do be scary to meet really tall people!! when im around the men's team i work with sometimes, i almost get neck pains bcs staring up at them is so hard 😵‍💫 and i have this other job where i have to like sit by the court and do things for the match, and when players come over to talk to me and they literally tower over me???? insane 😶 but yes i too get jealous of heights, esp since in handball it's good for girls to be tall too so everyone around me is always tall asf? ive always been considered to be a tall person in school but at 175cm i am nowadays considered short in the team i currently play in 😐😐😐 so yes i feel u aaa (also several of the girls i coach are my height already and just. pls stop growing, you're scaring me. 🥲)

ALSO OMFG i almost forgot to answer this but i had a thought yesterday.... about my favorite volleyball player being 188cm and i thought "hm that's not very far off from pepe" so of course i have now started thinking about volleyball player!pepe 😶 idk if you enjoy volleyball aaaaaaa but i just thought about his height and his big ass hands that would make hitting the ball easier and just..........

thank you, im doing okay but it's still weird to imagine? because i haven't really had anyone close to me (or even semi-close) pass away so it's a very new experience, being in his neighborhood (very close to where i live) and thinking "oh what if i see him in the shop like that day-" before realizing... but god you put it in such a sweet way, im lowkey teary eyed :( i will continue to do my best to keep his legacy alive and honor him through my coaching!!! he created this thing that became so important to me and for that i will be forever thankful. but yes i agree, it means that he brought more meaning to my life and therefor also the girls i coach, and that's such a beautiful thing. it's life, i guess 😭 so hard but also so sweet...

skdjfhdjjf dont worry, i call them "children" to their faces very often even though some are even 16 😁 but to be fair ive known a lot of them since they were nine so to me they're still babies :(( also you being that young and still so smart is so cool and cute aaa

no because i have imagined meeting pepe MANY times and i really really think he would be so sweet about it. very happy that i recognize him and like "aw hey it's okay! no tears please" when i cry 😭 and i think he also would agree to do a silly pose with me for a photo aksjdhfjkdf 😭 i sadly didn't buy a lot of merch BUT (did i mention this already?? then i will be so insanely embarrassed....) we did get me a kimi lotus cap for obvious reasons 🥺 that i still have to this day actually !!! and ofc we took a pic of me next to the lotus truck 🤭 (also realizing now that i wasn't 8, i was 9 or 10 🤣 well well)

oh! then i think we can pretend to be your friend's mum's friend's kids? so we should also be invited?? or maybe we just need to get a job somewhere that has connections and can invite us..... to be fair my dad wrote to dino beganovic's manager or something about sponsoring him just for funsies (idk how u mean to sponsor someone just for fun tho 😶 he was like "what if i get my company's logo on his car and in return we get to come into the paddock once?..."), but then the manager responded with a full deal and stuff and my dad just got scared 😭 but we should keep looking, i'm sure we can find a good sponsor for us 🥰

aaaaa that's so sweet 🥺 i love that 🥺🥺🥺 if you feel like talking further about it, im all ears 🥰

aw dalring i hope you have an even lovelier lovely friday and week and month and year !!! and yes yes pepe's month, i think it will be very good to us all (esp him!!!!!!!) 🥰 i think that maybe the world listened to your ask because the sunset was so gorgeous tonight 🥺 so thank you for that <3<3

[allyouzombies]

thoughts on 1989 TV?

I've not yet actually listened to the whole thing because of life hectic-ness, namely foot surgery that has made fun things like Consuming Music I Love suck a lot. So I'm listening all the way through today while I do some scanning for work! This is gonna be a sort of "live react" stream of consciousness thing that I'll ideally edit before bombarding you with my Thoughts :-)

In general, everything sounds so much crisper and I am LIVING

I've always been kinda meh towards style aside from the last chorus, but there's something sooo much better about style tv!! Haven't listened to the OG 1989 in ages, so I'd need to compare to really explain it (and it might be obvious, but I'm not the greatest at remembering the little details from pre-reputation albums bc rep was my first as a a Fan™️)

Her matured and vastly improved vocals are to die for and have been throughout the ~taylor's version~ journey. MWAH!

OOTW is already a gorgeous song, but tv is, again, just so...!!!!!

AYHTDWS is already one of my favorites, so the rerecording has me EMOTIONAL it's so beautiful. Hold me I listened twice (which I consider a sin on full listen-throughs of albums, though I AM a horrid sinner, so)

I still hate shake it off, but this one's much better. Milder hate, more like distaste now, sort of like a mushy thing on the bottom of my shoe instead of the bottom of my sock

IWYW makes me sprint thru the streets at 5 AM even with my recently removed stitches owie

WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE HERE?? Do the drums sound better? Idk!

I know bad blood is considered cringey but listen. It's also so fun and the cringe makes us free. Maybe the harmonies on the chorus have more parts?? Gdi i need to do one to one comparisons with all of these. Already salivating over the Kendrick Lamar version at the end of the album I'm excited for him

It's official that 1989 tv has made me really like songs I've been ambivalent or mildly positive towards (like style and wildest dreams now), so that's like actually huge imo

Everything is so pretty! (I'm half asleep now help I'm at WORK)

I Know Places is one of those TS songs I rarely listen to and then I listen and am like "why the fuck aren't I listening to this one daily" and IKP tv has me feeling that More Intensely

Clean is yet another fave and clean tv makes my very soul tremor. Don't look at me for a week

Wonderland continues to be a fucking transcendental experience that electrocutes my spinal column <3 the bridge is even MORE earth-shattering than it was in the original. please see my original thoughts from 4.5 years ago

these feelings re: Wonderland still stand and always will

The first chord of YAIL kind of sounds like the first chord of Give Great Thanks by Dorian Electra lmao

Still not crazy about YAIL but the lyrics and the ****** lore...phew!

New Romantics tv is suuuch a good example of how gorgeous tayla's lower register has gotten. It's so much richer and I guess more well supported?

I've heard that Slut! is actually emotional af...not ready

"I might as well be a joke in love" HOO BOY I SEE NOW WHAT FOLKS HAVE BEEN TALKING ABOUT

"Got lovesick all over my bed" is SO !!!!!!

Okay yeah Slut! is so fucking good

Say Don't Go has me reeling. I can see why it didn't make the final cut (she is just a little too unlike her brethren to the point that, imo, she wouldn't fit well into the original album as well as the songs that made it do), but it's soooo ggoooooOOOD!!! It gives me almost like...cousin of 1989 and Lover and Midnights vibes?

Now That We Don't Talk...!!!! These vault songs fucking rule, dude.

The end of NTWDT 🤝 Mastermind??

The I broke my own heart 'cause you were too polite to do it ⏩️ I broke his heart 'cause he was nice pipeline and how it rejects the continuation of a cycle of passivity while simultaneously continuing the emotional burden carried by women in their relationships!! And also a cycle of cruelty! These are half-baked thoughts but they ARE thoughts I'm having!! An english degree was wasted on me because my textual analysis skills are still so juvenile,,

Is It Over Now Boo From Fleabag Moment

I WAS RIGHT THE KENDRICK LAMAR BAD BLOOD VERSION IS SO FUCKING AJGKDHAGXGBX AHHHHHH (dats me yellin)

[bonesandthebees]

Hey hey my insomnia is acting up so here is some random thoughts of mine abt some of your fics

Stars is wonderful and I was thinking about rereading it soon but that is a lot so idk I might or I might not but I was thinking about the glowing freckles and it is just so cool but then that got me thinking abt tinfoil summer (idk what to shorten that to) bc the glowing freckles is also there and I was thinking (I've done a lot of thinking in the past 2 hours I've been laying in the dark doing absolutely nothing) abt how much I love space and I think it's so cool and that aliens definitely do exist (bc I think it's very unrealistic that earth is the only planet out there that sustains life) and I wonder what aliens are like and how advanced they are and stuff but also on the topic of space I was thinking abt a space themed library bc in my dream home I have a library and it is space themed and I have a whole Pinterest board for it and I am so normal about it it's great anyways in this space themed library the ceiling is painted with stars and constellations and stuff which got me thinking about glass bc of the star painted ceilings and glass is wonderful too and I am really worried that the curse is real and Tommy will in fact die at some point (I mean he obviously will but you know what I mean) but you arent that mean so I think if he did die you would find some way to make it better bc if that isn't the case then I will absolutely sob all over everything

-🌼

yeah fun fact about the glowing freckles in tinfoil summer and stars, I think I mentioned this in the authors notes but technically the og story I came up with that tinfoil is based on was where i first came up with the idea of glowing freckles. stars was technically v2 of that lol

a space themed library sounds soooo pretty. have you seen the ceiling of grand central station in new york city? it's covered in paintings of constellations and it's absolutely gorgeous. definitely recommend googling it if you haven't seen it before

can't comment on if tommy will die or not you'll have to wait and see :)

[daisywords]

Ok so finished The Queen of Attolia last night and oh boy

Queen of Eddis is a new fave I would follow her to the ends of the earth

Kind of missed the intimacy of the first person POV in the first book, but the omniscient POV was well done and obviously necessary to tell this type of story so no complaints there

Like I missed Eugenides but I think everyone else did too. Including himself. Like another story he's telling but he needed the narrative distance. Too vulnerable, too intimate, too painful, it would have been

Wow Megan really likes to see her guy suffer doesn't she

Ok trying not to be spoilery but um? UM?

ngl I was getting vibes but then I was like no my brain is just poisoned by romance tropes not everything is about enemies to lovers

but hm. very interesting turn of events. still haven't quite processed it tbh

Also the parallels with the Hespira story

And why did "If I'm a pawn of the gods it's because they know me so well" make me go feral

The magus didn't play as big of a role as I though he might when he showed up. Also I thought the thing with him digging up all the plants was going to come up again but it didn't? So that's my prediction for the next book.

Also I felt like something was going to happen between Kamet and Nahusereth, so I also feel like that's coming up

Weird reading experience bc I just read it in the browser and it didn't give me a percent or anything so I had no idea how far through it I was the whole time which added another level of unpredictability (srsly I thought it was almost over when they were in the boat. but no)

Strange how I can say I very much enjoyed this book even though I spent most of it just heartbroken and the last third like uM? idk how I feel about this actually

I need the next one immediately this series is like a drug but also I will spend the rest of my life processing this

Guess u guys liked the art so here's today's doodle: Attolia, Eugenides, and Eddis

[magecrafts]

NEW MOOD.

RATED T FOR TEEN & UP AUDIENCES.

PART ONE OF TWO.

a/n: inspired by this post and the song new mood by lpx. i haven't written anything in twenty years and so my apologies if this is Terrible. don't worry about the mcu timeline. i'm fucking with it. and i'm also definitely not editing this bc it's two am.

kate bishop x fem!reader: after the battle of new york you made it your life's mission to kill a god. somewhere along the way you meet kate bishop and get a little sidetracked.

warnings: angst, minor suicidal ideation, unhealthy relationships, emotional manipulation.

i am not currently fulfilling requests, but any made will be filed away for future consideration.

WHY CAN’T I PUT THE PAST ON ICE?

You’re stuck in your head.

You can’t get past the bit of your history where your family died, where you stood and watched, confused and horrified and transfixed, as the Chitauri blew a hole through your life.

The Battle of New York took everything from you — your mother, father, brother, sister, grandmother. Hell, it even took your dog. For that you cannot (will not) forgive the one who brought them here, the god who opened the door and stood aside while the Chitauri wreaked havoc on the world you held so dear.

For fun.

Loki, the Trickster God, God of Mischief and all its cohorts, will die at your hands one day. You’ll have it no other way. Either you will claim his life as your own or will die trying, and you do not consider dying a consequence.

To die is only to fail at the greatest task you have ever been given, and to fail trying would be as honorable a failure as any.

You vow to spend the rest of your life hunting the second in line to the Asgardian throne. You create trackers, build beacons, fake magical events — all to draw out the god who stole your life from you.

None of it works.

It’s by chance that you find another Asgardian on Earth. A college professor in Canada, doctor of history, so embedded in the academic world that it takes you a year and a half to admit to her heritage.

Jodunn, she calls herself.

“It was cold the night I was born,” she tells you. “Cold and fraught with storms of hail that scared my father so deeply he gave me a name to rival the ice.”

“He named you after the realm of the Frost Giants.”

“It seems that way,” she says, a knowing smile inching across her lips.

Jodunn leads you to Erik Selvig.

Erik Selvig cannot lead you to Thor.

“The man’s been off-world for a while,” he tells you. “No cell reception up in Asgard, I suppose. He’ll be back, I don’t doubt it, but I couldn’t tell you when.”

Selvig can, however, lead you to the Avengers who, at first, want nothing to do with you.

Until you meet Kate Bishop and momentarily forget your grand plan to kill a god.

“I’m Kate,” she says, offering a calloused hand and a crooked grin. “Hawkeye.”

You tell her your name and she tells you it suits you and you do your very best not to look smitten as she crinkles her nose and bids you to come along.

Kate takes you to dinner because she feels bad about Stark and Rogers telling you they can’t help.

“And because you’re, like, insanely pretty and I’d totally never forgive myself if I didn’t take this chance,” she admits when you ask her what exactly the two of you are doing.

“So this is a date.”

“Hell yeah, this is a date,” she says, “but only if you’re okay with that.”

You’re definitely okay with it.

It takes you two and a half weeks to tell her you’ve never actually dated anyone before. Too busy trying to figure out how to track down a god, how to subdue a god, and how to figure out what you’re supposed to do with your life once you actually kill a god.

“So…when I kissed you for the first time last week, was that—?”

“No,” you tell her, chuckling at the emotions that pass over her face (surprise, worry, curiosity) in the moments before you speak. “Unfortunately, Kate Bishop, you were not my first kiss.”

“No, no, right,” she says quickly, shaking her head, and you start to worry the moment she crosses her arms and tucks her hands beneath her elbows. Her body language is always loud and you’ve learned it’s almost never a good sign any time it goes quiet. “Of course not, that would be…stupid.”

Kate excuses herself and it takes you two hours to find her on a bench in Central Park with Lucky asleep on her feet. She’s watching a tee-ball game from afar, squinting in the wind as the little tykes run the bases.

“Their life is so simple,” she says when you sit down beside her. “Just tee-ball games and orange slices and pizza parties. I never thought I’d envy an eight-year-old.”

“I don’t know what’s happening,” you tell her because you really don’t and you also don’t know what you’re supposed to say to a woman you’ve barely known three weeks and have just started dating. “Did I do something wrong? You closed up real fast back there.”

She doesn’t answer right away, which is fine, just looks at the leash in her hands and shakes her head and sighs and looks at you and looks away and groans in frustration, which is less fine, but all you can do is sit there and wait.

“You said something,” she tells you after a while, and when she finally looks at you she’s smiling sheepishly, and, “It was the full-naming me thing,” she says. “I had someone — there was someone — who used to do that a lot. Someone who was really important to me, who, if I’m being totally honest, is still important to me, but I also haven’t seen her in a year. She dropped out of my life like it was nothing and it took me a long time to figure out how to fill all the empty space she left behind.”

When she reaches for your hand you let her take it, trying to tamp down the pang of your heart as you work through what you just heard. Thinking about her feeling the need to run at the first sign of emotional distress is hard, thinking about her losing someone important is worse, but her fingers pushing through yours to clasp your hand is what you try to focus on.

“Okay then. Just Kate.”

“That’ll work.”

“All right, hotshot,” you say. “How about we go somewhere warm and talk about the possibility of me breaking into Stark’s archives for Loki intel.”

Kate blinks.

“Okay, fine,” you say. “How about we go somewhere warm and talk about the possibility of me breaking into Stark’s archives over pizza.”

Both she and the dog perk up at that.

SO FUCKING BAD AT CUTTING TIES.

“I’ve been doing nothing in New York for six months,” you say, almost angrily, the grit in your voice only irritating you further. It doesn’t feel good to snap and it feels worse to see the hurt in Kate’s eyes when you do. “That’s not what I meant.”

“You’ve been sleeping in my bed and embedding yourself in my life for six months,” she says. “Taking me on dates and getting my dog to love you. Shit. Even Jack likes you and he’s an idiot, but he’s the closest thing left to family I have in this city.”

It really wasn’t what you meant.

You don’t regret any of the time you’ve spent with Kate. You don’t regret your mutual love for Lucky, nor do you regret giving Jack the Asgardian shortsword Jodunn gave you to use as a bargaining chip to get closer to Loki.

Okay, that’s a lie, you regret giving the sword up a little bit because it might’ve actually gotten you somewhere and you only gave it to him because you hadn’t made any god-killing progress in months and you were frustrated and not thinking straight and it seemed like a good idea at the time.

Standing stupidly at the counter in one of Kate’s big tees and a pair of her purple sweats at four in the morning, hanging your head over the sink as you wrack your brain for anything to say that won’t make this worse, only makes things worse.

“If all of that isn’t nothing,” she says, “then I want to know what you meant. Explain it to me.”

“I” — you grit your teeth, squeezing your eyes shut, hands balling into fists — “need a drink.”

“It’s four in the morning.”

“It’s four in the morning and I need a drink. Is that going to be a problem?”

“You’re doing it again.”

“What, Kate?” It comes out tired, angry, and when you round on her the exasperation is plain as day on your face. The bags under your eyes don’t help. “What am I doing again?”

The worst is how fast she closes in on herself: hugs her knees to her chest, keeps turning away, pulls her sleeves down over her hands until the only thing left for you to look at is the insecurity in her eyes.

“Reminding me of her,” she says quietly. “She was always angry before she left, like she resented me for the stability and lack of life-threatening adventure.”

“You’re literally a superhero, Kate. Isn’t life-threatening adventure your entire job?”

“Okay. Sure.”

“Don’t do that.”

“I’m not doing anything.”

“You’re shutting down.”

“Well — well, you’re being a big asshole.”

She’s right. You are.

“Yeah,” you say, “I know.” You don’t say the part about putting your only goal in life on hold to shack up with her and a golden retriever in New York City.

“I’m a second-string Avenger, okay?” Kate huffs, rests her chin on her knee, and looks at you with a sad smile. “I don’t get to do anything cool, I just stay here in this stupid apartment and wait for them to tell me they need me.”

“Kate.”

“And they never need me.”

Fuck it, you think, becuase you really don’t know what else to think, or say, so, “Fuck it,” you say, “and fuck the Avengers, too, while we’re at it. Come with me.”

“I’m the only person you know in the city and you definitely do not have anywhere else to go. And I’m mad at you.”

“Kate.”

“Sorry.”

"Don't be."

You drop to the floor before her and pull her arms from around her legs, coaxing her to sit up on the edge of the couch, which she does, if reluctantly.

“Look,” you tell her, sliding your hands into hers and pulling her forward until she’s looming right over you and trying not to let you back in, “I’m not a good girlfriend, I know that, even though I don’t actually know if that’s what I am to you, but listen — come with me. If Billionaire Playboy Philanthropist and the Ice Boy won’t put your talents to good use, let me do that. I could use an Avenger in my corner, and you’re the best there is.”

“I’m barely an Avenger,” she says, and you hate how it hurts to see how much she believes that.

It’s because they don’t know what she’s truly worth, you think, how much she can do, and how ready for the hero life she actually is. Kate can do it. She’s ready, whether they believe that or not, but hell if you’re going to keep her on the bench and waste everything she has to offer. You’re not like them — not cautious, not worried, not trying to overplan. You know she can do everything (okay, maybe not everything) that the rest of the Avengers can do. You just need to give her the opportunity to prove that. And you need to give yourself an opportunity to make up for making her feel like you’ve never wanted to make her feel. Ever.

So, “Come with me,” you say again. “Prove to them that you’re worth more in the field than you are cooped up here.”

First she looks anxious, and then her anxiety gives way to anger, anger to acceptance, and then she nods so hesitantly that you’re not actually sure it’s a nod at all until she says, “Okay. Okay, I’ll come.”

Your chest swells with relief and you straighten up on your knees so you can reach her lips and melt into her.

“But,” she says against your mouth, giving a little hiss when you tug at her bottom lip. It takes her a second to get you off of her, at which point she’s rosy-cheeked and grinning bashfully, and, “But if one of the big ones comes after me, I’m telling them you abducted me from my apartment and forced me to be your sidekick.”

“Sidekick? You?” You overdo the shock, dropping your jaw and slapping a hand over your heart, just to see her smile again. You’d do a lot of things for that smile. “You’re no sidekick, Kate. You’re a hero, and I really need one of those.”

You’ve never been good at letting things go, and you’ve never started anything you don’t intend to finish, so you’ve never let yourself start something with anyone before. Mostly because it’s never been worth it and also because you’ve never not been terrified of what would happen if someone was, in fact, actually worth it.

Kate Bishop is not a mistake, but she was an accident, and you’ll be damned if you leave her in the wreckage.

And, shit, she might actually be worth it.

I WISH THAT I COULD JUST MOVE FORWARD.

“You were there, Kate. You know what it was like to watch those things tear through the city like it was nothing.”

Kate sighs. “I know,” she says quietly, and reaches for you in the dark, finding your damp cheek and swiping at the tears with her thumb. “My dad died that day.”

“Mine, too,” you tell her for the first time. It’s strange, you think, talking about it like this, in the middle of the night with the lights off, in a shitty hotel room on the outskirts of Quebec. “Right along with the rest of my family.” You don’t have a good reason for waiting so long to tell her why exactly you’re on this mission other than you don’t like talking about your family because it still stings and you’re still no closer to Loki.

Sometimes you dream of your family in the night and wake up believing it was real and spend the rest of your day grounding yourself in the reality that they are gone and are never coming back. It’s worse when you daydream of them, when you’re conscious and know they’re gone but still find it in yourself to wish for them. Even though you know better. You can’t win either way.

At least you can’t see Kate’s face right now. You’d like to think she’s not looking at you with pity, but you’ve never trusted anyone not to pity you before.

“The Battle of New York was what made me want to be a hero,” she says. “After that day there was no way in hell I could sit on the sidelines the next time something else happened.”

She’s told you this before. At least twice. About the wall of her house, blown open, about the Chitauri headed straight for her and the arrow that stopped them. And about Clint, the second hero she ever had. Right after her dad.

“We were kids,” she says, closer now, forehead bumping against your cheek, her lips catching your jaw. “Just kids, but that day still defines so many of us. That day is the reason I picked up a bow, and it’s the reason you—”

“Are on a suicide mission to kill a god? Yeah. I know.”

Kate laughs, tucking into your side, and something changes, and it’s not something you can identify. Not yet.

It isn’t until the next day that you manage to give it an honest thought.

A suicide mission, you called it. A path to certain death.

And death has always been a possibility, you’ve always known that. Hell, sometimes you’ve prayed for it. Only when to die would be easier than the alternative, especially when the alternative is only getting farther and farther away.

You don’t know how to find a god. And, shit, even if you did? You definitely do not know how to kill one. Your life’s mission, goal, dream — whatever — is an impossible possibility. It’s the pipe dream of an angry child who convinced herself that she could undo the wrong that was done to her family.

Maybe you’ve always known that, that this whole thing is impossible. Maybe you just didn’t care. Not about wasting your life, or about dying, or about any of it. But if this is a suicide mission, you are no longer the only one on it. What happens to Kate will be on your head. Her blood on your hands.

God forbid.

God fucking forbid.

Maybe it’s because you’re running on an hour and a half of sleep, or because your vision is tunneling and you don’t know where to veer off, but you decide then and there that you cannot let that happen. Not to her.

“Deal’s off,” you say into the phone a few minutes later. Kate’s out cold, one arm hanging off the bed and the other stuffed beneath a pillow.

“What a pity.” The Asgardian’s voice hums in your ear. “I understand you and the archer have become quite attached to one another, so I suppose I understand your hesitance.”

“I’m not hesitating,” you say, “I just won’t do it. I won’t.”

“Very well.” Quiet. Then: “If you won’t bring me an Avenger, I’m afraid I must ask you to return my sword.”

Shit.

“I don’t have it.”

“I know. Retrieve it for me, sweetling, though I advise you not to cross the border if you wish to see tomorrow.”

“Shit. I mean — fuck — okay. Fine, I’ll get you the sword.”

“If the man with the mustache, Jack Duquesne, is reluctant to give it up, bring me him as well. If that makes it easier.”

The line goes dead.

You look at Kate, sprawled out across the hotel bed, peaceful as you’ve ever seen her, and in that moment you decide maybe you deserve to die — suicide mission or not — becuase who else would do something like this if not a monster?

“Hey.” You shake her gently, brushing the hair out of her face to kiss her temple. “Come on, get up. We have to go.”

“Mm—? Oh. Hi.” A yawn. “Mmkay — okay — one minute.” Another yawn. “Are we going to see your professor friend?”

“No. We’re going back to New York.”

That wakes her up.

“What? Why? You said this was a good lead, that she might know where to find Thor.”

“I was wrong.”

Kate sits up, rubs at her eyes, and looks at you like you’re the only one who has the right answers.

“I don’t understand what’s happening,” she says simply, through another yawn.

“Yeah,” you tell her, “I know. But we have to go. We can’t be here. You can’t be here. Just — trust me, okay?”

And, “Okay,” she says, reaching for her bow like it’s the only thing she has faith in at the moment, and, “okay. We’re going. Let’s go.”

[ryansjane]

I'm thinking that maybe when more episodes are released it will gain more viewers because let's be real so far its still at its beginnings and altho I think it's already an absolute masterpiece and they have already talked about so many important issues and pointed out so many messed up things that I haven't seen in any other bl show and I think it's a shame people aren't talking about it more. And altho I'm mad more people aren't talking about it now when they're still filming maybe I would be even more scared if they did because I would worry even more about the show being banned. Maybe it will be safer when more episodes are released? But I think it's getting more and more exposure with each episode, the show trended on tumblr as well when episode 3 was released, it made me so happy!

But truthfully? The hypocrisy of some fans just frustrates me. I've been reading posts about bl fans 'being done w engineer and uni plots and wanting something fresh with interesting plot' for at least two years now but when you serve it to them they just??? don't care? they're screaming over some kinn and porshe upcoming bl (and I'm not saying it's bad to be excited about some upcoming bl, don't get me wrong but it's not even airing rn and won't be for next few months) but when they have something this extraordinary airing right now they just... don't care. I find this very frustrating.

okay, so much to unpack here anon bc I agree with everything you said! firstly, I do have some hope that not me will get bigger as more eps are released & bad buddy finishes airing so it can be the biggest bl airing atm. I also know that bl fans tend to gravitate towards shows that have very explicit make out scenes & sex scenes, and since I already know it's gonna be the case for not me I'm hoping that people's obsession with those kinds of scenes are gonna be useful for once & make the show go viral on social media. also about being scared it'll be banned, I can relate tbh bc that thought went through my mind a couple of times, but I don't think a gmmtv show with offgun could get banned & people would be okay with it. honestly if it was banned people would riot, not just bc it's a bl show & it has offgun, but bc censoring it only validates what the thai protests have been saying for literal years. as for hypocrisy of fans to say they don't want engineer & uni plots only for those exact shows to ALWAYS be the biggest bl shows of the year??? preach, I've been thinking the same way. I think most people DO want new plots, but they still want it to be mostly romance focused, which not me doesn't do (I mean it's still hella gay imo but anyways) so people aren't as happy than seeing two engineers make out for 12 eps straight. and I think it's why kinnporsche has received more hype (ngl I'm pretty excited for it too, but in no way is a mafia bl gonna be as life-changing as what not me is accomplishing), bc it has a new dark interesting plot but it's WAY more romance-focused. which I find dumb bc let's be honest if not me was a straight netflix show with the same exact plot but remove the romance, that shit would be one of the biggest shows of the year. here they combined some action political thriller which most people love, with gay romance which most people love as well. it's just the perfect balance of both worlds & if it doesn't BLOW UP before the end of the series, I will be forever bitter about it. my biggest wish is for ais play to allow gmmtv to put the show on netflix bc sadly nowadays it's kind of the only way that broader audiences can discover & fall in love with a show. let's hope the hype only gets bigger from now bc if there's ONE (1) show that deserves it on earth, it's definitely that one.

xxx