#everytime i allow myself to eat less than i wanted for some other man everytime i allow myself to be moved around in the school bus so thag

[starburns]

my mother has gone hungry for nights and given me her food when i wanted more, she never told me to take only a little, never told me to keep some for someone else, never served me less than i wanted and i just had my grandfather told me to not take too much of a bhaji to save it for my father. i do not know if this is as raging to u as it is to me. i am the daughter here. i am the CHILD here. hello. wtf is wrong with u.

[novasheadcanons]

The Brothers with a MC who’s presence is calming their sin

TW: None :3    SFW   Fluff

Lucifer

-One word: Denial.

- He was always proud. And he found new pride in being the Avatar he is. He would never allow anything else to happen.

- But you wormed your way almost to easy into the eldest heart.

- You started bringing him tea and a snack in the evening, when the others were getting ready for bed and you knew he was still working. The amount of paperwork seemingly endless.

- He scroffed the first time you did this. He didn’t need a weak human to take care of him.

- He will absolutly deny how quickly he was looking forward to seeing you in the evening, a gentle smile your lips and delicious tea and his favourite cake in your hands.

- You humbled him. Soft whispers of comfort in the night when he was overworked, stressed and trying to ingnore painful memories. He allowes you to care for him when he previously would have strangled anyone who saw him like this. Now he’s questioning what he did to deserve you.

- He leans into your touch and reaches out for you in return.

- What was previously limited to when you two were alone starts to seep into his daily life with the brothers as well.

- He recrognizes his shortcomings and flaws more, but still struggles to act on it. But he becomes more forgiving. His brothers were sure he was deadly ill the first time they noticed.

- Lucifer will always be the embodyment of pride, but he becomes softer around the edges.

- He like to pull you on his lap and stroke over your cheek. It never fails to make him smile when you look at him with so much adoration.

- “You know I can’t let you go just yet, right?”

 Mammon

-He thinks he’s dying. No joke. He has been googling his ‘symtoms’ 6 time now. - But ‘Help I’m the Avatar of Greed but I feel weird!’ doesn’t really bring forth anything useful.

- Mammon’s greed is something he never had any control over, and he still doesn’t. At least no concious control.

- It starts when you two are out and about. He made a new money making sheme and dragged you along, as usual, but now you two were sitting at this fountain for two hours already and he forgot why he dragged you in the first place.

- Mammon watched you laugh over something he said, but it was a nice laugh. A laugh that didn’t sting. You weren’t laughing about him. This was nice. He wanted more of this.

- When he actually managed to make money and he found himself looking for something for you instead of him, it dawned on him. This dork came home with 4 gifts for you and only one cool pair of shades for himself. Pff, he wanted nothing else anyway, why are you looking at him so surprised?

- He still gets the sticky fingers when he sees something he could sell to make money, but more often than not he placed it back after thinking about how you would not like him stealing and getting in trouble again.

- The Avatar of Greed is still well...greedy. But it changes. Mammon feels so fuzzy inside when you're happy, laughing, reaching out towards him. He finally noticed how much more he wants of this. No amount of grimm could outshine your smile when you look at him. You filled the emptiness he tried to stuff with grimm, clothes and jewelry.

- He hugged you close one night, not knowing you were still awake. You had been watching a movie together and decided that you would be sleeping here, to tired to go back to your room.

- He whispers quietly in your hair while pulling you even closer to his chest. “Ya are the biggest tressure I ever held...”

 Leviathan

-absolutly oblivious to it. Like, this man does not notice at all.

- It also took a long time. His envy isn’t just jealousy. It is self-deprecation. It is comparing himself to anyone else and always comming to the conclusion that the other person is better.

- It only started when he accepted (for the most part) that you truly were his friend. That you didn’t secretly were planning a long-term joke on him.

- He had been ranting about a new fascination of his for a while now, while you were watching him being so in his element. He looked... happy maybe even a little confident? When he noticed how long he had been talking again he apologized but he didn’t look ashamed like he usually looked. More bashfull, but still smiling. And it didn’t take much convincing to have him continue.

- It was a lot of these little things. But more and more his envy lost it’s sharp edge that used to stab him in the back everytime he so much as thought about being proud of something he achived.

- You helped him becomming more at ease with himself. Your presence reminded him about all the things that were good in this life. Things others didn’t have.

- He realised this when he was complaining about how unfair something was when he looked at you. Patiently sitting there and holding his hand. With this loving look in your eyes.

- The widest smile you’ve ever seen from him streched across his face, lighting up his eyes and he squeezed your hand.

- “What am I doing? How could I complain about something so trivial when I have you by my side?”

- Cue both of you blushing and looking surprised. You couldn’t help but laugh a little when he hid his face in your shoulder when you hugged him. A blushing, blabbering mess

- He may be making progress but he would always be your Levi.

- There will be time where he falls back into his old harmfull thoughts but he knows you will be there to hold his hand. Just like Henry does for the Lord of Shadows!

 Satan

-He caught on the quickest and welcomed it the slowest.

- Every since you moved in with them he felt weird when you were in the room. Probably because he was so sensitive. Satan picked up on everything in a room, so every little thing could set him off if he hadn’t learned how to quickly escape and rage in the safety of his room.

- But the more time he spend in a room, close to you, the calmer his mind became. He still picked up on everything but when he glanced at you, or when you softly touched his hand because you noticed his eyes tighten a little, a wave of calm washed over him.

- He did not trust it. At all. Were you influencing him with magic? Were you doing it on purpose? But if you were so powerful that you could calm the Avatar of Wrath with a single touch why were you always so close to dying??

- As usual for Satan he spend days researching, trying to find anything. Without success.

- He barged into your room, agitated by the lack of success. Satan had nearly kicked your door open. And froze when he saw you.

- You were laying your back, your legs streched out and propped up on the wall. Your D.D.D making contact with your face when he had barged in. He couldn’d help but to laugh a little. His previous anger forgotten

- Calmly he closed the door and joining you on the bed, where you had just set up and were rubbing your forehead. “The fuck, Satan?”

- He smiled softly, taking your hand in his so he could give the red spot on your forehead a little peck. “Let me make it better.”

- Maybe it wasn’t so important why and how. You calmed his wrath finally making place for something else.

- When his brothers catched on they would practially dump you on top of Satan whenever he worked himself into a rage. Works like a charm.

-He never said anything to you, but you knew. The look in his eyes told you everything.

 Asmodeus

-For him the transission was so smothly he didn’t notices it for a while. He started complimenting you, without complimenting himself while doing it. He didn’t praise his outer beauty with nearly every single breath anymore. Still alot (Have you seen him?) but less desperatly. Asmo forgot to post his morning selfies twice in a row because he lazed around in bed with you.

- It irretated him to no end for weeks now. Something felt off and he had no clue what it was. It was driving him absolutly insane and his brothers were acting like they knew why, but noone would tell him anything!

- It was the third week now he didn’t feel like going partying to get praised, get eye-fucked by every passing person...

- Instead you two were in his room, wearing soft pjs and laying on his bed, shoulders pressed together

- You had grapped his hand while talking, gestureing wildly exited about something.

- It wasn’t that he didn’t enjoy you talking, or wasn’t interessted but he was to mesmerised by your face, eyes shining with joy.

- Suddenly it just...clicked.

- “It’s you...!”

- He was sitting up, pulling you up with him. You rearly witnessed the Avatar of Lust looking at you so...seriously.

- “Asmo...is everything alright? Did I-“

- He had pulled you on his lap, arm tight around you, just holding you as close as possibly to him. You were all he ever wanted but tried so hard to deny. You loved him. Not the Avatar of Lust, but him!

- “I...I love you more than I love myself.”

-You calmed his desprate desire to be loved. To be seen.

 Beelzebub

-It started after you made the pact with him, probably because you were spending more time with him now.

- probably the most noticable change out of the brothers.

- It also started of slow. A few less snacks in between classes, not 12 plates of food at breakfeast but 10

- The brothers noticed immediatly but he brushed it off. He was feeling fine. Better than fine actually. Beely felt this warm fuzzy feeling in his stomach. Smiling happily he took another bite, enjoying the taste more than usually before gulfing down more.

- The first time you two fell asleep in a bed together, you had made yourself comftable on top of him, he gently brushed some strands of hair out of your face. You had fallen asleep ontop of him. He was kind of hungry but you looked so blissfully happy...

- In the end he fell asleep, too. And he sleept through the night.

- Imagine his shock when he woke up before you, now really feeling hungry expecting it to be around midnight, as usual, but instead it was time for breakfest... When was the last time he didn’t get up in the night to eat?

- He is still eating an absolutly ungodly amount of food but he doesn’t feel like he is starving nearly every seconds of the day anymore. When he realised it was because of you, he picked you up in a bear-hug. Just holding you close and pressing his face into your neck. You swear you feel your neck getting a bit wet...

- “Thank you...Thank you so much...”

 Belphegor

-after being freed from the attic he finally joined the ‘normal’ life in the House of Lamentation again

- the others had already spend a lot of time with you. So they figured it out by now already but they agreed not to tell Belphie for two reasons:

- 1. Nobody wanted him to be dissapointed should it turn out that it doesn’t happen for him.

- 2. They wanted it to be a surprise should it work.

- Belphie felt insecure for a while since all his brothers were already so close to you and he well... He wasn’t exactly starting of a clean plate here...

- So he occupied your time a lot for a while

- He didn’t notices his brothers small changes for that reason

- It started off by being more awake around you when you two had cuddle & nap sessions together. He shrugged it of to just wanting to get to know you more.

- Your presence made him being able to be awake for longer periods of time in the beginning, then when you forced him to participate in activities with Beel and you his energy didn’t drain as quickly as he was used to. When he slept, he didn’t sleep quiet as long but felt so much better after waking up.

- It made him suspicious. So he started watching his brothers more.

- After two month he confronted you at breakfeast.

- “What are you doing to me?” Okay, rude...

- Why were his brothers ginning so stupidly?

- After you spend a while explaining what you and the others figured out he leaned back, taken aback. A soft smile taking over his lips that he could not surpress fast enough.

- Later that night he made himself comtable on top of you, his head on your chest, listening to your heartbeat. He didn’t know what to do, but your lovingly petting his hair made him realise he didn’t need to.

- He still sleeps a lot, often and in the weirdest places, he will always be the Avatar of Sloth but this might not be so bad after all.

__________________________________________________________

Please reblog and like if you liked this! I would love to know what you think of this, so consider leaving a comment. This is my first try on HC for anything :3 My requests are open!

[bitchfitch]

just going to say this at the top content warnings for the following: murder, offscreen child neglect and death, comas, cannibalism mention, implied necromancy,

A Single Day Beneath The Hill

Arlo woke beside the man he gives his freedom for, warm and safe tucked up against Conall's side with their blanket tangled around his legs. Arlo sits up and stretches before pressing a kiss to Conall's cheek.

Conall doesn't stir, he very rarely does nowadays.

Arlo takes his time with their morning routine, always tending to Conall first. Brushing the mats from his fur as Arlo sang the bar songs Conall loved so much. 

After he ran out of bar songs, Arlo would just ramble, narrating everything to his sleeping lover and editorializing on this and that as he went. It made him feel less alone as the weight of the world above bared down on their subterranean home. 

He'd repeat his vows every now and then, when the open and unguarded door way called to him. He could leave, it said, he could walk out right now and see sunlight again, it would whisper. There were no barriers between him and the world beyond, just a maze he could probably still navigate with his eyes closed. 

His magic was the only thing keeping Conall alive, but there was nothing else stopping him from heeding the often deafening call.

"In sickness and in health," He'd say more to himself than to Conall, as he changed the sheets on their bed, traitorous thoughts invading his mind as he struggled with the weight of caring for his husband, "Through the darkest times, I promise to stay by your side,"

Once Conall was tended too, Arlo would sit at his vanity on the other side of the room, brushing his own hair and putting on his make-up as he watched the world above through his mirror.

He'd send whispers out on the wind, waiting for someone to wander close enough. Conall had once compared him to fly paper, a sweet smelling snare.

Conall had been the only reason that it used to be a matter of judgment. Arlo used to look and listen, he used to hand out more boons than he did banes to those who sought him out. But that was before he needed every scrap of magic he could steal from those he caught.

Now he just levied banes on all that passed. Some would look like boons at first, so that the poor soul could go and lurer more closer, but most he would kill quickly. Conall didn't know about the change yet, and he never would if Arlo could help it, but his still, Conall wouldn't want people to suffer, even if Arlo did find a scrap of entertainment in it.

Sometimes he'd get lucky, and a traveler would arrive early, or two, or even a whole group, would arrive on the same day. Sometimes weeks would pass between their arrivals. 

Most of the time he got one or two a week.

Eventually, a man with a bundle in his arms stumbled into the clearing, frantic and driven by grief wrought madness as he fell to his knees and spoke his woes. Arlo only listened enough to pick what sort of bane he'd levy.

The child in the bundle was long dead by neglectful hands, but couldn't the spirit of the hill reunite a father and son? Couldn't the spirt see the his repentance? Couldn't it save him from the consequences of what he's done?

There was a time Arlo's heart might have ached for the man and his child, but that time was long passed. 

Arlo wove his magic around the man's soul as he sobbed and screamed his grief, tying the two of them together like he had with so many others, but before he could pull the noose tight, he hesitated.

"Please, my wife- she never woke up after our son was born. Shes in a coma, she- I would never forgive myself of it was my fault she never got to meet our son," he held the bundle tight to his chest as he sobbed, bent forward on his knees in the dirt,

Arlo's eyes flicked to where Conall slept, and he sighed.

Instead of burning the mans blood, like he had allowed his son's to in that car, he pulled the threads of his madness taught until he jolted upright, crying tears of joy over the still bundle that his bleeding brain now interpreted as being a healthy, crying infant, squirming in it's swaddle.

The man keeled over a few moments of joy later.

The magic Arlo could harvest from his soul drifted to him through their connection, a trickle that held promise despite its weakness. Arlo grinned as he held the power tight in his chest and lept up from his seat, prancing across the cold stone floors to climb on top of Conall. He straddled his broad waist as he pressed his hands over his beloved's poisoned heart and passed the magic he'd taken into it, this extra little bit being just enough to overpower Conall's curse.

Arlo's tail flicked and his ears pricked, already grinning as Conall stirred, his weary eyes blinking as one of his hands went to rest on Arlo's waist. 

"Good morning," Conall smiled as he looked up at his husband, too weak to do much more than brush his knuckles against the soft downy fur on Arlo's cheek, "Did I miss anything interesting, kid?" 

"Not really," Arlo nuzzled into his palm, they only had a few moments before Conall would sleep again, "But one of the travelers had a book in the bag they left as an offering, would you like me to read it to you while you sleep? Its a romance," 

"A steamy one?" he grimaced, already sensing the coyness oozing from Arlo,

"Of course, because I know how much you just Love those," he wraggled his brow, teasing his lover, 

"just skip the worst of it," Conall chuckled as his eye lids began to droop, "Come here," he sighed, pulling a willing Arlo in for a kiss before sleep could reclaim him again.

The kiss was short and light, and painfully familiar, far too easy melt into and far too brief to really enjoy. 

"I love you," Arlo whispered into the space between them as he pulled away when he felt Conall's grip on him go lax again. Leaving him trapped once more on the edge of life and death

Leaving his husband to wipe at silent tears as he stood from their bed.

This was always the hardest part, the brief moments of happiness made the following loneliness cut deeper, and the silence of a space that once felt like a home ring louder.

The doorway called to him everytime Conall fell asleep again. Reminding him that he could end this heart ache with a single step pass its threshold. 

It reminded him of the many times that Conall had said it would be ok. That Arlo didn't have to do this. That he loved Arlo too much to ask it of him. That he could leave and let Conall die, and Conall would still love him.

Arlo tried his best to keep his tears silent, Conall could still hear him while he slept, and he always did hate it when Arlo cried. 

He had to take care of the bodies, they scared away prey better than anything else could. It didn't matter that he wanted to just curl up and mope, he couldn't risk losing even a single traveler.

Arlo stood in the center of the room and focused on the world above, letting the ground part so that the corpse could fall through. A grim part of this process, but Arlo still needed to eat, and the animals in the forrest had all learned to avoid his hill.

The broken bodies of the father and his child bubbled through the ceiling before thwumping down to the hard stone floor with a smack. 

The child had been spared from the worst of it, still wrapped in its fathers arms. Arlo pulled it from his grasp and held it like he'd seen mothers and fathers less distressed than that one do. 

The child had probably been dead for weeks. 

Still he cooed to it and held it gently as he picked through the father pockets for anything interesting before sending him to the freezer to be cooked later.

Arlo had always been a bit indecisive about kids, he never really had the chance to spend enough time around one to form an opinion one way or another, but Conall had always wanted a big family. He had even already picked out the eight names he wanted to use, and when he had rambled while guarding Arlo he spent hours describing the home he wanted to build for this theoretical family. 

Each of the kids would have their own rooms, but every room would have big bunk beds so that if they were anything like Conall and his siblings they could sleep together and watch over each other through the night. 

He had once mentioned how cold the home he grew up in was.

The kitchen would be open to the main room so that Conall could see his family while he cooked, and the pantry would always be stocked with enough that when the kids brought their friends over no one would leave hungry. 

He had once mentioned how scarce food had been.

The yard would be massive and wooded, with swings and at least one tree fort, with a creek running through it.

He had once mentioned that the woods behind his childhood home had been the only place he felt safe. 

Arlo bounced the child gently in his arms like he'd seen happier families do. Like he dreaded Conall might never get to do.

When Conall woke up for good he'd be sure to give him the family he wanted. Eight children, starting with this one. 

[dyde21]

Learning - 1

Also available on AO3 HERE

Summary:

Peter Parker has a lot on his plate. Too much. He's also just so damn tired all the time. But people are counting on him. Counting on Spider-man. So he can't afford to slow down. He just has to keep moving forward.

Until everything falls apart because of a pancake.

Luckily there are people there to help pick up the pieces.

Or

Peter learns how to accept help and how to grow.

XxXxXxXxX

Peter Parker was pretty sure his biggest enemy was Spider-man. Spider-man meant the world to him, and he really wasn’t sure he’d ever find himself in a place to give up the mantle. Maybe if he found someone to take over for him, or if the city didn’t need him anymore, he could afford to slow down. 

But as he grew into a young adult, he knew that it wasn’t a possibility for him anytime soon. His mind and body yearned to be out there when he had gone too long without saving someone. He could just imagine the scenes of the people he didn’t save when he wasn’t out there. The lives lost or ruined because he was not out there. 

As much as he knew he had to be Spider-man, there was still a part of him that yearned to be a normal college student. Someone who could have weekend movie nights with his friends after long hours doing homework together. Someone who could drop by his aunt’s place and cook dinner with her to catch up after a busy week. Someone who could plan a date night weeks in advance and know for sure that he wouldn’t miss it or bail early. But he had resigned himself to the fact that he couldn’t have that. 

He hated how much he hurt others. He hated the disappointed, yet understanding looks his friends gave him everytime he had to leave early or show up late. He hated how he had lately stopped making promises because he longer believed he could keep them. So he had to make it up to them. He tried desperately to prove how much he cared about them every chance he got. Little gifts, reminders of conversations, jumping at the chance to do anything in the moment while he was at their side. He dreaded the day they realized he wasn’t worth all the trouble, he knew it had to be coming soon. But he could feel his life falling apart at the seams.

But Spider-man wouldn’t. Spider-man wouldn’t disappoint the city. Even when they hated them, he’d still be out there protecting it. Because people needed Spider-man. People needed Peter. He had to live up to those responsibilities.

However Peter felt so <em>tired</em>. He could feel himself running on fumes, but he’d manage. He always did. He always had to. 

Until suddenly he couldn’t. Until Peter broke.

It hadn’t even been a dramatic fight with someone like the Rhino. It hadn’t been an explosive alien bomb he couldn’t deal with. It had been a pancake.

Midterms sucked for everyone. Normal students and superhero students alike, they just sucked. A week of projects and tests and papers that were all due around the same time. It was a cruel seasonal rite of passage. Unfortunately combining that with having missed almost the maximum number of classes allowed in the term already, Peter was behind. But that wasn’t anything new. 

But the same old problem was still a problem. Which meant that was how Peter found himself on Saturday morning stopping by the corner store and grabbing a six pack of energy drinks, a couple of cups of noodles, and some chocolate for comfort’s sake. 

He had a long weekend ahead of him, and he knew he just had to get through it. Maybe he could take it a little easier. Pausing before the counter, he had walked back and grabbed a couple of bags of Ned’s favorite sour worms. He knew Ned liked to snack on them when he got stressed and he knew there was a coding midterm Ned had been stressing about all week. 

After he paid, he made sure to take the long way around and stopped by MJ’s favorite tea place. Filling up a thermos, he had also splurged to get her a few boxes of the teas they imported there from fairly traded farmers abroad. MJ had done research into the brand and found they were providing a good opportunity, and she liked the tea so it had been a win-win. Sure it had cost him a bit more, but he figured he could just cut back on his meals for a week, no biggie. The protein bars Bruce had made for him ensured he got the vitamins he needed, so he figured it’d be fine. 

Swinging by MJ’s place, he felt a small surge of energy in his otherwise exhausted body. He loved seeing her, and he knew she tended to isolate herself when going into heavy work mode, so their interaction would be brief but if he could make her smile it would be worth it. He knew things were still a little tense after he had been forced to bail on their anniversary dinner because Rhino had decided to go on a rampage to ruin his love life. He really, really wanted to stay. He had even promised himself he wouldn’t let normal crime alerts stop him, but the Rhino was more than the police could handle. One masked crazy required another. He had even been trying to force himself to stay when she had grabbed his hand, and with that same sad smile told him to go.

Making his way up to her small studio apartment she shared with Gwen, he had knocked on their door, shifting from place to place. Should he have grabbed flowers? Maybe that would be too much. Also too expensive. Should he have picked some? He knew MJ liked to complain about cliches like that, but also knew she liked them more than she would admit, considering he had seen the handmade card he had crafted her on valentine's day at Pepper’s advice was still on her desk months later. Shoul-

He was cut off from his internal rambling by the door being opened up. An exhausted, weary looking MJ stared at him, in open confusion. Normally she’d be better about putting on some sort of mask, but he could tell she was pretty tired too. She was dressed in sweats and one of his hoodies she had stolen when she came over the night before their anniversary. 

A range of emotions crossed her face. Surprised. Guarded. Frustrated. Concerned. Happy. 

“Hi.” She said simply after a moment, clearly waiting for him to say something. 

“U-uh hi. Yeah. I just…” He realized he really should have thought of what he wanted to say before showing up. 

MJ raised an eyebrow, crossing her arms and leaning against the doorframe. “I’m kinda busy.” She said, before she winced. He had a feeling she was still a little hurt about their date, but also hadn’t meant to sound so cold to him. He couldn’t blame her. He deserved it.

“Right! I know.” He cleared his throat. “I know. I promise I’m not here to bother you. I just… here.” He said, handing her the thermos. She took it, surprised before she took a sip and a smile crossed her features. Peter’s heart melted a little at it. He also shoved the two boxes of her favorite tea into her arms. “Also these. And an apology. I’m really sorry. I know I say that a lot. And it sucks. But I am.” He said, his eyes drifting to the floor. He hated how familiar this felt. 

“I know.” MJ said softly, before he saw her feet step forward, and he felt her tip his chin up as she kissed him gently. 

Peter returned it for a moment before he stepped back. “I know you have work so I won’t distract you. I just… wanted to give you a little care package, and say I know you’ll rock this. I can proofread your article if you need me to too. Or just to get an opinion.” 

MJ’s expression softened again. “Thanks, Tiger.” She said, a soft smile. Then her brow furrowed. “Are you okay though?” She said, reaching out to grab his jaw and turn it as she inspected him. “Have you been eating? Sleeping? You look like shit.” She said bluntly, but not uncaringly. 

“Oh, ouch.” He said with mock affront. MJ just rolled her eyes, knowing he knew what she meant. “Midterms.” Peter brushed off her concerns with a shrug. “Happens to us all. I mean you always look beautiful. But you also look a little less beautiful. Only stunningly gorgeous today.” He offered a small smirk on his face. 

MJ rolled her eyes again, shoving his shoulder weakly. “I’m sorry I didn’t try to make myself look nice hoping you’d drop by unannounced.” She replied in a dry tone. “But Gwen and I are making sure we take care of each other. You’re still living alone since Ned moved in with Betty. I’m worried.” She confessed. 

Peter offered her what he hoped was a reassuringly and not as fake looking as it felt smile. “I’ll be fine. Just gotta get a lot done this weekend. Then I’ll rest next week sometime. Maybe we can have a night in, no suit, no alerts.” He offered.

MJ looked at him skeptically, like she knew that was an offer that probably couldn’t be kept. But she must have also seen how desperately he was hoping for her to say yes. Some little hope to hold onto to get through the weekend. She nodded. 

“Yeah. Sounds nice. I’d like that.” She affirmed, leaning in for another quick kiss. She paused, pulling out the collar of his sweater. “Pete, you need to eat. You’re losing weight again.” She warned, seeing how pronounced his collarbones were starting to be again. 

He stepped back, pulling it back. “I will! I bought stuff today.” He didn’t mention it had been energy drinks, sugar, and salt pretty much but he didn’t need to worry her anymore. “I can’t wait to read your article. You better send it to me!” He said as he started down the hallway before he could drag any more of MJ’s attention away from her work with concern for him. He didn’t need it. He’d be fine. 

MJ just watched him leave, sipping her drink for a moment before she let her head slump against the doorframe with a sigh. A bad feeling welling up in her stomach.

Peter’s next stop had been over to Ned’s place.

When he knocked at the door, he figured MJ must have texted him because Ned didn’t seem surprised in the least. 

“Hey Peter, come in for a sec.” He said, practically dragging him into the apartment. Peter was surprised by that, having planned to just make the drop and leave, but he was herded over to a stool at the counter and forced to sit on it as he fished out the gummies to give to Ned.

“Here man, I know you still have to finish up the code then work out the bugs in it. I brought you emergency rations.”

Ned gave him a quick side hug, taking them. “Thanks. Now eat.” He ordered as he deposited the gift as his computer.

Peter was confused until a sandwich slid in front of him, along with a drink and a cookie. He looked up, seeing Betty looking at him with an expectant look. It reminded him of MJ. He had a feeling they had been hanging out a lot more recently. 

“I’m fine.” He offered weakly, feeling bad they were taking time to take care of him. 

Ned crossed his arms, giving him a thoroughly unimpressed look he had honed over years of dealing with Peter’s bullshit. “Dude, you look even more barebones than usual, don’t think a baggy sweater hides that. MJ said you are doing your gift rounds too which means you’re stressed out because you picked that up from Tony too.” Ned laid out, honest. “Eat the damn sandwich.”

Betty was side-eyeing Ned like she didn’t agree that the best way to get Peter to eat was to snap at him, but Peter just sighed and took a bite of the sandwich. It tasted so good he wanted to cry. He almost did, but he busied himself with taking a bite of the cookie before he could lose his shit over a sandwich someone made for him and start up a whole new series of conversations he wasn’t ready for.

He devoured the sandwich probably too quickly because Betty looked like she was about to make another one just to keep him eating. But he forced himself to stand up. “Thank you. Really. I needed that.” He confessed. “But we both have work so I should get back.”

“It’s fine if you want to relax here for a moment.” Betty offered with a gentle smile.

Peter’s throat felt tight at the nice offer but shook his head. “N-no. I’m fine. Both of you have work to do too. I’ll get out of your hair.”

“Pete…” Ned started but Peter just fist bumped him and left, laughing a bit too hysterically for it to seem natural. 

“I’ll be fine man! We’ll catch up next week.” He promised as he quickly made his way out of the apartment. He felt like he was about to start crying for too many different reasons and wanted to be alone for it. 

He heard them still calling after him as the door closed and he practically rushed down the hall. He just had to get home. He could be alone in his home. 

By the time he got home, Peter had managed to get himself in control. AKA, shoving all his annoying emotions and impending breakdowns deep within him to deal with at a later time. He had studying to do now, he didn’t have time for pesky things like proper emotions.

Pulling out the first energy drink, Peter just leaned against the counter and closed his eyes. He’d be fine. He just had to get through this weekend and he could afford a little rest. He made a point not to think of how he had made that promise the previous weekend as well.

Pulling out his phone, he found the photo he was looking for and smiled for a moment. It was a selfie of him and MJ. MJ was standing in the suit after she had wanted to try it on one night, and he was kissing her cheek as she was mid laugh. He could do it for her. 

Moving over to his small kitchen table, he cleared everything off it by piling it onto the counter haphazardly and set up his laptop and books. He glanced over at the stacks of dirty dishes with a frown. He had gotten a lot worse at keeping them clean since Ned moved out. Looking around, he saw the entire place had kind of gone to shit since Ned moved out. Stuff piled up everywhere, too much dirty laundry, a bag of trash he hadn’t taken out yet tied in the corner.

Normally he went over to MJ’s place since Gwen had done a good job with the interior design of it and it was spacious and well organized. He did his best to hide how bad his place looked, too ashamed.

Pushing down more thoughts of how much of a disappointment he was for failing to keep his apartment together he sat down at the computer as he took another sip of his energy drink. He just had to get through this.

Pulling up his assignments he began to try and organize them. Working was something he could do. Solving problems was something he was good at. 

A few hours passed and Peter had actually managed to make quite a bit of progress on his assignments. Which was good. Figuring he needed a break, he got up and moved over to the ramen. His stomach was angry now, and wanted a proper meal but he didn’t exactly have enough money at the moment to splurge. He was tempted to swing by the Avenger’s tower to grab a meal there, but he knew they might get on his case if they saw him looking this rundown. Turning on the electric kettle, he turned on some music to listen to it while he waited, closing his eyes to take a moment to relax. 

It was a playlist MJ had made for him, and he knew all the songs by heart now, including the order of them. It helped him relax. Singing along softly, he waited for the kettle to click off as he poured it into the cup of noodle, pleased his hands weren’t shaking. Going into the drawer, he paused as he saw he had no clean forks. Of course he didn’t, cause he was a fucking mess.

He bit his lip, hating that a tear escaped his eyes as he trudged ever to the sink and quickly washed one as he blinked away the burning sensation in his eyes. This was dumb. It was just a fork. He just had to do the dishes. Eventually.

Finally cleaning the fork, he set it on top of the cup as it heated up the noodles and just slumped into his seat, letting his head fall against the table. He was just so tired. He had time to kill until the noodles were cooked enough so he could close his eyes for a minute…

<em>Peter stared in horror as MJ struggled to pry herself from the metal gauntlet wrapped around her neck. Her feet dangled helplessly over the edge.

“Pe… peter. Help.” She choked out.

“LET HER GO.” Peter tried to scream out but no words would escape him. Iron Man’s cold eyes stared at him. 

“You were a mistake.” He said in an emotional robotic voice as the hand opened up.

Peter ran towards her, but as he stepped the suit around him dissolved, leaving him in his old homemade suit, and none of his tools. Desperate anyway, he jumped off the edge, trying to dive for MJ but she was falling too fast for him. He couldn’t make it in ti-</em> 

Peter woke with a start, knocking one of his textbooks off the table as he looked around. It was darker. With a groan, he checked the clock. 3 hours had passed. Great. Guess that would be enough sleep for the night. Glancing at his phone he saw some messages from MJ and Ned but he really couldn’t bring himself to respond to them at the moment. 

Wiping sleep from his eyes, he hated how he had slept for three hours he didn’t plan to, but still felt exhausted. Nightmares sucked. 

Walking over to his noodles, he peeled off the lid and stared down at them. They were super soggy now. Peter was pretty sure he’d be more disappointed if he had the energy to be. Instead he just moved back over to the table, and flipped open his textbook to the section he had to go over again for the test because he had missed that class after a big fight and getting too injured to go in for it. 

He slowly ate his soggy noodles as he stared at the same passage, reading it a few times but not really absorbing it. By the time he had actually managed to process all the content on the page, he felt his fork scraping against the bottom of the now empty cup. Great.

Setting it down on the table he just leaned back and stared up at the ceiling. Where was his life even going now? Why the hell was MJ even with him?

He checked his messages finally, both of his friends checking on him. He sent them a generic assurance before he sighed. Forcing himself to his feet, he figured he needed to make himself useful. He quickly changed into his suit as he saw the sun starting to set outside. He knew he couldn’t afford to spend too much time out as Spider-man tonight, and probably none tomorrow so he figured he would make it count while he could. 

As he warmed up and swung through the city, for the briefest moment it felt like he was able to forget his problems. Like his real life was hidden away back in his nest of an apartment, and out here he was just Spider-man. The hero with no obligations, able to save people and bring a smile to those who didn’t despite him. 

The rush was almost enough for him to avoid the bone deep exhaustion creeping through his body. He managed to stop a few robberies, a carjacking, and helped a drunk person find their way home without much issue. It helped his mood a bit, feeling useful. Feeling like he was actually able to take control of things and do some good.

What didn’t feel good though was seeing Rhino rampaging down the street. His shoulders slumped, he was not in the mood to deal with him today. He still had homework.

Swinging down, he caught a car that had been knocked to the side, and set it down with a grunt of effort. Normally he didn’t have that much trouble lifting one, so that was probably a troubling sign. Still, he swung after the large man. 

“Didn’t I put you away like last week? Where are they even sending you, juvie?” He complained as he dodged a few punches from the overzealous russian. 

“No cage can hold the Rhino!” He called out in return, making Peter sigh. 

“Apparently.” He muttered as he launched himself towards him, slamming his fist into Rhino’s chest with enough force to send him toppling backwards. His hand was sore now, but he really wanted to end this quickly and he knew Rhino was tough enough for him to be a little less gentle. 

The Rhino got back up and threw a car at him. Peter managed to catch it, but it left him in an awkward position as the Rhino charged through it, sending him flying into the wall of a nearby hotel. He gasped in pain, and barely had the reflexes to shoot his hands out and catch Rhino’s horn before it impaled him into the building. Slamming a kick into the Rhino’s jaw, he dazed him enough to push off of him and get some distance between them.

“I think I’m sending you to the zoo next. I hear they love to take in hopeless cases.” Some part of Peter wondered if he qualified for that.

“The only place I will be going is to your funeral, Spider-man!” Alexios roared out as he charged forward. 

Peter just managed to dodge to the side and hook a web onto one of his legs, pulling it into the other one as the man fell over. 

“Aw, you’d attend my funeral? You do care!” He praised as he launched himself up, before twipping two webs on either side of the Rhino and pulled himself down, slamming his knee into the back of the Rhino’s head with enough force to finally knock the man out. 

Before long the familiar sirens showed up as the police must have realized it was safe for them to come detain him to pass him off to the proper authorities for enhanced individuals. Peter loitered for just a minute to make sure the Rhino didn’t get back up.

“Hello Animal Control. I’m afraid this guy is a little jumpy.” He offered with a wave, still standing on the Rhino’s back.

“Spider-man! You’re under arrest for property destruction and inciting violence.” They said as they raised their guns at him.

Peter’s hand dropped to his side. “Really?” He said in a flat tone. He just took down the criminal they couldn’t keep behind bars for a month, and they’re trying to arrest him. 

With a sigh, Peter quickly hopped to the side in a flip, landing on the wall before launching off and dodging a few rubber bullets that had been shot his way. At least they weren’t trying to kill him this time. He quickly swung off into the distance, until the sirens were far out of earshot as he landed on a roof, leaning against the wall. He held his side, wincing as he could tell a few of his ribs were definitely bruised after the entire fight. Great. Just what he needed when studying. 

Asking Karen for the time, he saw a couple hours had passed. With a sigh, he made a few more laps as he headed back to his apartment, climbing in and stepping out of his suit. 

He made his way over to the bathroom, wincing as he saw his entire side was pretty much one giant bruise. Treating the basic cuts he could and doing other basic first aid, he slumped his way over to the table. His entire body ached, and he wanted to just curl up and sleep but he still had an essay to finish and two tests to study for. Sleep was just one of the many luxuries (and necessities) he couldn’t afford at the moment.

Opening another energy drink, he chugged it quickly and tried to power through some more work. If he could at least finish the essay he might be able to BS his way through the tests. So he started writing. He was pretty sure there were more spelling mistakes than were reasonable for a college student. But he kinda sorta had an outline. At least something he could work from. 

Leaning back in his chair, he immediately winced and regretted his decision and he leaned forward again. Stretching wasn’t a good idea with his bruises. He also noticed his bruises were barely healing, which was worrying. But something he’d just have to deal with next week. If it didn’t heal by Monday he could deal with some strange looks for showing up bruised, it wouldn’t be the first time.

His phone buzzed and he saw a message from MJ.

<em>Saw the alert. You okay?</em>

Peter sighed. MJ stayed very up to date on any spidey news, so she pretty much knew every time he was out patrolling cause at least someone would report it on a fan site. Or the news if that battle was big enough like the Rhino.

<em>I’m fine. Nothing broken this time. Promise.</em> Which was true. 

<em>You better not be lying. Wanna read my article? Are you caught up on midterms?</em>

Peter glanced over at the laptop with the barebones of an outline on it, and the two textbooks only halfway read on the table. 

<em>Yeah, doing surprisingly well. I can use a break. Send it over.

Thanks, Tiger.</em>

Peter grinned down at the screen, and opened up his email, waiting for the notification. A moment later it popped up. 

<em>Here’s the essay. Lemme know your thoughts. Make sure you drink water tonight, and go shower. I know you’re lazy about it after patrol.</em>

Peter rolled his eyes, but listened to her. He quickly hopped in the shower and changed into his last clean set of clothes before he got some water to sip along with his energy drink as he started reading her article. 

Peter loved MJ’s writing. She was clear, concise, and he could practically hear her personality in the words. No matter what the subject was, he found himself enamored with reading what she wrote. She treated the reader with respect, and always offered a fair balancing of views on the issue, while not being afraid to make assertions that might make her a little less than popular at times. 

Still, she was trusting him to offer proper feedback so he did his best to put aside his feelings for the author and focus on what he was reading. He noticed a few instances of some premises she presented as true without supporting them that he drew attention to, a few grammar mistakes, and one part that felt so clunky he had to read it a few times and he was still a little unsure just what she was saying. 

Peter knew she’d rather he was honest and straight forward, while still polite about any potential issues in her article than hold back on his critique in order to be nice. She’d actually be pissed at him if he held back, so he stayed honest. 

Sending the article back to her after double checking his own work, he leans back and looks at the clock on his wall. 2 am. He frowned slightly, but pulled over his text book. He was tired of writing for the moment so he started to read, doing his best to stay focused despite his creeping exhaustion. He normally likes to nap after a patrol but he had too much work to do.

A couple of minutes later when he was about half way through his third energy drink, he got a notification from MJ. 

<em>Thanks Tiger, you’re the best. You actually made good points, I’m impressed. Need me to check over your essay?</em>

Peter frowned, looking at the outline he hadn’t touched in a couple of hours and still had no desire to work on. 

<em>It still needs some work before I can show it to anyone. I’m good, thanks though. Love you.</em>

<em>Love you too. Get some sleep, okay? I know the Rhino is annoying and I saw you get hit with that car. I can help you study tomorrow so get some sleep.</em>

Peter smiled at her concern. He swore she knew him almost better than he did, as she was determined to keep him alive and she decided that meant knowing what kind of threats he would find himself up against. 

<em>You still have studying to do too, don’t worry. I’ll be fine.</em> He replied as he glanced around his apartment. It was a mess, and he knew she’d yell at him if she saw the state he was living in lately. He wanted to live better than this but he was just <em>so tired</em>.

She didn’t respond, so he figured she had fallen asleep like a normal human would.

With a sigh, Peter downed the rest of the energy drink and splashed some water on his face. He had to get through this. He pointedly ignored the bruise that was looking worse and worse as he moved his textbook and notes to the couch to be a little more comfy than the old wooden chair at his table and laid down to read it, turning on the TV on low for some noise to distract him. He just had to keep working, he could do this.

Cracking open his fourth energy drink, he set it on the table and set to work. 

By the time his phone showed four, his eyes felt incredibly heavy. Even the energy drink he had just finished seemed to have been doing nothing more to his system. Leaning his head back against the pillow, he let out a sigh. “Fuck.” he mumbled to himself. He still had another day of cramming to get through. 

He managed to force another hour of studying out of him, enough to finish off the first book before he gave up. Setting about 12 alarms, he set them for 8 am, figuring three hours would be enough to kickstart his system into functioning again to get through tomorrow. 

He laid his head back against the pillow and within seconds he was out cold.

Peter woke up to about the fifth alarm on his phone as he groaned and reached for it, his textbook sliding off his lap as he managed to find the phone and shut off all the alarms. Somehow he almost felt worse than when he went to bed.

Forcing himself to his feet, he only staggered a few steps before he had managed to regain his balance. He felt like death and he stumbled over to his bathroom. Brushing his teeth, he winced as he saw the side of his neck still showed a heavy bruise. It barely looked more healed than it would for a normal person. That was… really not good. A part of him considered going over to the Avenger’s tower to get it looked at. But he couldn’t… he had midterms.

Stumbling back over to the kitchen table he sighed and dragged his other text book over to him. He had to keep studying. His body would be fine, surely. He went to reach for another energy drink, but his stomach churned and he hesitated, before grabbing the water. For some reason just thought of more of the caffeine made him feel like he needed to go throw up. 

He had only managed to get about an hour of studying in before his stomach was desperately screeching at him to get some food into him. Sighing, he gave into it and wandered over to his kitchen. Opening his fridge he saw… condiments. Some pickles, and a barely not empty jug of milk.

He felt his heart sink at it. God, why was he just a fucking mess? Slamming the door shut, he tried to keep his breathing even as he started rummaging through his mostly empty cabinets. He paused when he saw a bag of pancake mix. Right. He had made pancakes with MJ one night as a night in. Grabbing the mix, he looked around only to see all his bowls were dirty. Biting his lip, he just shoved all the dirty plates into one sink and piled the rest up next to it, before he washed a bowl and a pan, and a spatula in the sink, breathing a bit heavier. 

A few minutes later he was finishing up the first pancake but the pile of dishes next to him just kept tearing into his heart. 

<em>Worthless.

A joke.

A disappointment.

A mess.</em>

Peter realized he didn’t have a plate to pour it onto. “FUCK!” He shouted, far too loud for the time in the morning it was as he quickly half cleaned a plate, drying it off with shaky hands as he moved to the pan. 

Now grabbing the slightly burnt pancake, his hands were shaking too much as he used the spatula but it tipped off the edge of the plate and fell onto the floor. 

He watched it slow motion but he couldn’t bring himself to catch it with his reflexes. He was just <em>so tired</em>. 

It landed unceremoniously on the dirty ground. Something in Peter broke. 

“GODDAMMIT!” He shouted as he threw the pan with enough force that it broke one the cabinets on the opposite end of the kitchen and he just dropped the spatula and slid to the ground. 

He curled his fists in his hair and just fell apart. He couldn’t stop the tears as he held his head. What the fuck was he doing with his life? He was just so damn tired. He was falling behind in all of his classes. His apartment was an embarrassment. He was broke. He had an amazing girlfriend he just kept disappointing. He needed to turn off the fucking stove and he couldn’t summon the strength to stand up.

He just clenched his head tighter, head between his knees as he did his best not to scream and get in even more trouble with his neighbors. 

He heard the sound of someone approaching his door. He wanted to stand up. To hide his mess. To do anything but he just continued to sob on the ground, everything falling apart.

There was a knock on the door. 

“Peter?” MJ’s voice called out. 

His stomach dropped. No. She can’t see him like this. He tried to stand up, but his legs weren’t responding. Everything was so bright, and everything was starting to get <em>so loud</em> He tried to speak but couldn’t find the words. He heard her knock a few more times, as well as the muffled voices of people in the hallway saying something he couldn’t make out in his state.

“Peter!” MJ’s voice was more frantic this time as he heard the door unlocking. Fuck. He forgot she had a spare key. 

She rushed in the apartment, looking around. He heard her gasp as she saw the broken cabinet. “Peter?” Her voice was more frantic as she turned and saw him on the ground. He tried to stand up again but his entire body was shaking and he couldn’t stop the fucking tears. 

“MJ…”

In a flash she was at his side, looking him over for any signs of injuries. He saw her eyes flutter around the apartment, taking the state of it in before they settled back on him as he buried his head into his knees again. 

“Peter…” Her voice was barely a whisper.

He couldn’t take it. He didn’t want anyone to see him this low. Especially not MJ. She was going to leave him. She <em>should</em>.

“Are you okay?” Her voice was gentle again.

Shakily he looked up to her, deep into her eyes. The truth rushed out of him, desperately clawing its way from deep inside. 

“No.”

[omigiry]

Marry me?

synopsis: The uncertainty of what lies ahead makes people hesitate to take a step further.

warnings: slight mention of broken relationships of reader’s family.

POV: Third person (she/her)

ry’s notes: gets a lil’ bit sad in the middle, just a pinch of angst  🤏

Bokuto was a nervous wreck their entire date, his palms would get all clammy and he would always space out. His mind was so occupied that (name) had to call his name twice to get his attention, it didn’t only happen once but this is the fifth time now. Bokuto had planned for a whole day out on a Saturday, since the early morning he went to (name)’s apartment, they watched some videos on the internet or played some mobile games until they finally went out as scheduled on his plan.

He would put his hands in his pockets when it gets sweaty or he would rub it together. He was so excited to finally ask her hand in marriage, he already received blessing from her family all that’s left is for her to say yes. They were friends for the past 6 years and had been dating for 3 years, he wanted more and he was a hundred percent sure that he could picture a future with her.

“Kou? Are you alright? We could go home if you don’t feel well.” (Name) suggested, concerned for her boyfriend who was acting differently.

“No, it’s okay. I can manage.”

Bokuto took her to an amusement park, it’s been years since they last visited one. Not only that, this was their first date when they were officially in a relationship. They also talked about how they wanted to visit an amusement park again.

“There’s so many new rides now. Some of the old ones are replaced.” She pointed out. There’s a lot of extreme rides now for adults to enjoy. It may have turned to an amusement park for their group age rather than for kids or teens.

“Yeah. A lot has changed over the years. Come on let’s ride that one!” Bokuto pointed at the drop tower so he could avoid talking to her, if it goes on he might vomit because of his nervousness.

After riding their second one, Bokuto felt a little relieved. A part of him relaxed and enjoyed the rest of the day. When they felt exhaustion kicked in their system, they decided to enjoy the sunset.

“Where are we eating?” She asked. Her head was resting on his shoulder as she played with his hand.

“You up for tacos?” He asked. It wasn’t anything extravagant, but he prepared all the things she likes.

“I’m always up for tacos.” She looked up at him and smiled.

He didn’t plan anything grand for his proposal. He just wanted a simple day with her, reminiscing the moments they shared together.

“Do you remember the time when we went to a zoo?” Bokuto asked.

“Yeah, the owl seemed pretty attached to you when you petted her.” She remembered the time when they saw the owl and the keeper allowed them to touch it. The owl snuggled in Bokuto’s hand when he reached out. “Not gonna lie, felt a little jealous.” She joked.

Bokuto laughed at the end of her statement. “Do I need to remind you again that you’re the only one for me?”

“I also remember that I kicked your ass when we went surfing. You really sucked at it.”

“It’s hard to balance on water!” He defended. He was good at a lot of sports, but doesn’t do well in any water sports. “I prefer a stable ground.”

The drive back home was loud at the first hour, singing along to songs and laughing at their embarrassing stories they haven’t shared to each other yet; a while later (name) dozed off. Bokuto glanced at her sleeping figure and couldn’t help but smile fondly at her.

It was moments like this that made him sure that he wanted her to be his wife. He would want to wake up every morning next to her, he wants to fall asleep as she brushes his hair using her fingers, and he wants to drive you around to places that would make you happy.

Bokuto woke her up when they reached her apartment. She unlocked the door and when she did, she saw her living room filled with string lights and with pictures attached to it hanging from the ceiling. She hasn’t noticed yet their close friends who were hiding from the dark.

“What is all this Kou?” She asked and turned around to see him leaning on one knee. Her brows furrow as she takes a step back.

“(Name). I want to spend every second of my life with you, I want to wake up to every single morning and fall asleep every single night besides you.” He started his speech and (name) stood there as a feeling of dread creeps in her. “Will you marry me?” Bokuto said after his speech, looking nervously up to meet her eyes.

“Koutaro. I-i’m sorry.” She said, before she ran out from her apartment and went to her mother and sister’s apartment. It wasn’t far from hers but it would still take a 15 minutes walk.

When she left Bokuto was left dumbfounded, their friends who were hiding came out.

“Bokuto, are you alright?” Akaashi asked him.

Bokuto wanted to chase her, but it might lead to something worse.

All of them comforted Bokuto and tried to contact (name) but she couldn’t be reached. Minutes later, Bokuto received a text from (name)’s sister that they were on their way to their family owned bakery.

“I gotta go.” He told their friends.

“Bokuto, you’re not in your right mind to drive right now.” Akaashi stopped him. “Let us accompany you to make sure nothing happens.” He offered and Bokuto agreed.

Once he arrived he stopped by the door and saw (name)’s back was facing him. Her hands were on her face as her shoulders shook. He knows that she was crying. Her sister was rubbing her back, and her mother saw him outside and gestured for him to come in.

He slowly opened the door hoping the bell wouldn’t make any loud noises. Their friends follow behind him. As he gets closer he hears that her sister was asking her questions.

“Are you afraid?”

“Yes, I am afraid!” She bursted, she looked at her sister with pained eyes. “Our mother got left, you got left, and that doesn’t excuse me as well. We all get left behind!”

“We were unfortunate in love, but it doesn’t mean that you will be too.”

“No. Life doesn’t want us to be happy. Life always ruins everything for us when we’re too happy, and what if life doesn’t know this is happening and when it does it’ll take it away from me.”

“(Name).” At the sound of a familiar voice she tensed up. She felt a hand on both of her shoulders and was slowly turning her around.

“Koutaro. I’m sorry but I can’t do it. You know my family’s background. My father left us, my sister’s soon to be husband stood her up on the day of their wedding. All of the men in our lives eventually left us.”

“I’m not like your father or your sister’s ex-fiancé. I will always be here. I will stay.”

“Words! Those are just words!” She stood up trying to run away again, but Bokuto was quick to react and grabbed both of her hands tightly and blocked her way.

“Do you trust me?”

“I do Kou, I trust you more than I trust myself. I might do something that will make you run away!”

“Nothing could ever make me love you less.” He said. His tone was so desperate that his voice was shaking. “You already told me that you dream of me being your husband.”

“And it was supposed to stay that way! A dream! Nothing more. My dreams don’t come true, Kou! Everytime it will, there’s always something bad that will happen! Life seems to find a way to push me back to the ground, and if I become happy it wouldn’t last!” (Name) was frustratingly screaming at him as tears ran down her face.

“I want to invite life into this important event of our lives. If it doesn’t want to, then let’s forget it and make the future we want to happen! I’m willing to risk it all.” Bokuto’s hand was tightly holding hers, afraid that if she let go she would be gone too. “I want to take a leap of faith. I know everything you’ve been through, and I will be there for whatever life throws at you.”

She searched his eyes through her tear filled vision. His eyes spoke it all, it was telling her that he was sincere, it shows nothing else but sincerity and love. Bokuto lets go of his hand, and for a minute she thought that he was already tired. She thought that he already gave up.

Bokuto stretched his arms out and closed his eyes. “Are you jumping or what?” He hopes that he gets his message and that if she accepts she would gladly fall into his arms that waits for her.

(Name) looked at her sister and her mother for an answer, but they only said that it was her own choice. Bokuto was a constant person in her life. Everything that had happened to her mother and sister had an effect on her relationship with other people, she would only keep her circle of friends small and it took time before she could finally open up to someone. Bokuto became the man she could rely on, he was always there, and she didn’t want to lose that. If he was willing to risk for her, then she would too. She’s still afraid of what will happen, but she’s more afraid to hurt Bokuto.

After an internal battle with herself, she wrapped her arms tightly around Bokuto’s frame. Bokuto let out a sigh of relief, the heavy weight on his shoulder finally lifted and embraced her.

“You don’t have to fight alone. I’m here.” He said and stroked her head to comfort her. “Will you marry me?” He tried again. This time she nodded and whispered a “yes” that he could only hear, wishing that life didn’t hear it in order not to ruin this perfect moment.

[strayen-fx]

Waste It On Me

Genre: Fluff

Word count: 1.2k

I sat alone on Felix's couch, prolonging the cup of wine on my hands. Loud music was blaring over the speakers, and it took me everything to not wince each time I see a random couple grinding on the dancefloor. The party was bearable, I guess, if I would be allowed to drink and get wasted. Unfortunately, I am the designated friend for the night. I have to make sure Hyunjin and Jeongin would end up safe in their homes and not dying on a nearby ditch.

I have no idea where my friends had went off; I had been sitting alone on the alcohol-stained couch for at least a couple hours. A few acquaintances came by for small talk but immediately went off to god-knows-where. I have obviously failed to amuse them.

So basically, I was bored to hell.

I stood up, deciding that my friends are far from done from their partying (I saw Hyunjin hooking up with a senior). I left the deafening crowd and made my way to fresh air.

I decided to settle on Felix's garden (which is waaaaaaay larger than I expected -- nothing less from someone who eats steak for breakfast). I searched for an area away from view, and my eyes landed on a swing attached to a tall tree. Perfect place to hide.

Except that there's already a person occupying the swing.

I was prepared to leave and give the person some space. He seemed to have noticed my presence, however.

"Hey, you can stay here. If you want."

He began standing up, and as the moonlight caressed his face, to say that he looked beautiful would be an understatement.

His brown hair perfectly complimented his pale, glowing face. He had honest, no-bullshit eyes, and when he smiled, they turned into adorable crescents. And maybe I am much drunker than I initially thought because I had this unexplicable urge to poke his cute little dimples. I would lie if I'd say that I wasn't drawn to his lips --

I was snapped out of my daydream when the boy cleared his throat. When did he arrive in front of me? I was an absolute blushing mess, and he seemed amused by the way I flustered.

"What brought you here?" he asked.

God, even his voice sounded like an angel's.

"Uhh... it was too loud inside, so..."

"But that's the point about parties...?" He giggled. "Not that I'm any different from you, though."

"The noise is bearable when you're intoxicated, I guess." I offered a smile. "So why are you outside?"

"Designated man," he answered, flashing a grin. "And I take it that we're in the same situation?"

I nodded. Ohmygodheissoadorablewhenhesmiles.

"We can use each other's company, then. I mean, if you are fine with it. If you're not, I'm more than willing to give up the swing for you."

I laughed at his statement. "I think the swing could handle two people."

He grinned, extending his hand. "I'm Chris, by the way. But my friends call me Chan."

My hand felt small against his. He's so warm, and I felt secure in his touch. "I'm Y/N."

°°°°°°°°°

We were definitely not drunk, but if an outsider would listen to our conversation, they would probably think that we're more than wasted.

We love tangents, to put it charitably. Our topic went from basic informations about each other, to the ultimate questions of life, to the conspiracy theory about our college dean, to the existential crisis of mankind, to the astronomical significance of math, to Chan's dog who doesn't know who he is. We were alternately arguing and laughing our heads off.

"I had more fun than I've ever had in any party," I remarked, wiping tears caused by excessive laughing.

Chan didn't say anything. He just continued staring at me, a little smile playing in his lips.

"What?" I asked, feeling my ears grow warm.

"Have you ever been in love?"

The question took me by surprise, but I just chuckled to hide it. "That is our next topic?"

"Maybe." He smiled. "So what is your opinion about love, Ms. Math-Shouldn't-Have-Existed?"

I rolled my eyes at him, thinking of a way to answer his question. "Love is messed up. It's like... an overly complicated problem on a math exam. You spend the whole period staring at it, attempting to solve it, until you realize the time is over and you haven't answered the rest of the questions yet. Because that certain problem took all your time and got you distracted."

"Hmm... you mean love is a distraction?"

The swing suddenly felt small for the two of us. I became extra-conscious of Chan's presence beside me, our arms brushing against each other.

"Love is nothing more than just a waste of my time," I answered.

Maybe it's my past experiences with love that made me say so. Maybe I'm too tired of trying. And maybe, despite the warm look in his eyes and the weird fluttering in my chest, I wasn't ready to fall in love again, after all.

As if on cue, my phone rang to signal Jeongin calling me for backup.

"Noona, Hyunjin hyung is an absolute mess," Jeongin groaned. "He just -- GOD HYUNG WHY DO YOU HAVE TO RUIN MY SWEATER?!?!? He puked at my shoes and now at my sweater!!! Noona help me carry him home, please, before I throw this man out of the window!"

I found the incident comical; I had to stiffle my laughter. "Okay, okay. I'll be right there."

°°°°°°°°°

Chan insisted on driving the three of us home, claiming that I, too, was already drunk. I was not, and he knew it, but I just let him. After giving Jeongin and Hyunjin a lift, I found ourselves standing outside my gate at two in the morning. This isn't how I imagined my night to end, but hey, who am I to complain?

"Thanks, Chan. I had fun." I stepped close and gave him a hug, which he promptly reciprocated.

After breaking the hug, he looked at me as if he was comtemplating a question. Maybe it was just my imagination, but I thought I saw a faint blush on his cheeks.

"Your hand," I prompted.

"Huh?"

I rolled my eyes. I pulled a pen from my pocket, took his hand, and wrote down my number.

"I figured you have something to say to me. If you can't say it now, maybe you can say it some other time?"

He grinned from ear to ear. "I think I'll do that. Thanks for tonight, Y/N."

Having a new friend won't hurt, right?

°°°°°°°°°

I plopped down on my bed, exhaustion pulling me close to its bossom. I don't think I can sleep just yet, though -- I keep on seeing Chan's smile everytime I close my eyes. And maybe I'm being crazy right now, because I keep on playing his soft giggles in my head. I took a pillow to muffle my indiscriminate squeal.

Why does he have to be so cute?!?!?!?

My phone suddenly chimed, pulling me out of my reverie. I fished it from my bag, expecting a drunk text from one of my friends.

A text from an unknown number?

I quickly opened the message, and I found myself smiling like an idiot. Like a wasted idiot.

"If love is nothing more than just a waste of your time, why don't you waste it on me? :) -- C ♡"

[one-piece-dumpster-fire]

A comforting Killer Oneshot~

A/N: This is my part of a little trade I had with my ultra-cool friend @supernova-hcs-art (check her out pls, she’s amazing)! I really hope that you enjoy it, this certainly was interesting and a lot of fun to write :D! Killer is seriously underappreciated imo

Words: ~4000

Warnings: none

'A day off' sounds like a simple concept to most people; after all it serves as a well earned reward for those who spend most of their time working hard to make a living, and gives them the opportunity to finally spend some tender moments by themselves or with their loved ones. That sounds like a nice thought, am I right? ...However, the term 'day off' holds a completely different meaning to the Kid Pirates- after all, they are pirates, wanted criminals- and you can't just take a day off from being a menace to the public now, can you? But despite the fact that they certainly take great joy in decimating whoever crosses their path and just generally enjoy ruining everything they come by; whenever the Victoria Punk pulls in or docks at a port already known to be frequented by criminals, wrecking havoc is for once not the top priority of the Kid Pirates. After days or even weeks at sea the whole crew was longing for some sort of outside entertainment which, suprisingly, didn't have anything to do with pestering the weak. And as you might have guessed, today was one of those days.

There was an uncommon atmosphere of tranquility aboard the great pirate ship, and for once not a single soul was yelling around or picking a useless fight with a fellow crewmate- in fact, not only the upper deck but the entire ship was looking completely abandoned, almost as if there was no one there....but that wasn't entirely true. Given, you would have to wander deep into the actual interior of the Victoria Punk until a sound would actually reach your ears- which would be the sound of something sizzling in a frying pan at the other side of the kitchen door, to be specific.

And there he was, Captain Kid's closest friend and basically second-in-command- Killer. The masked man was looming over the pan sitting on top of the stove, his body unmoving like a statue- except for when he was flipping the frying meat every now and then. Other than that it was completely quiet, even along the hallway leading to the cabines of the other crewmembers there wasn’t a single noise to be heard. However... there was still another person left on board aside from ‘the Massacre Soldier’.

Earlier that day, Eustass Kid left the ship with the remnants of the crew so Killer could spend some time with the sole female member of the pirate group- a newcomer, whom he had been close to for quite a long time but only recently convinced to actually join the crew. That person was you, (Y/N), a completely new addition to the steadily rising number of criminals roaming the sea. But right now there was nothing dangerous or criminal on your mind- in fact, you were simply trying on different dresses and outfits inside of your and Killer's shared cabin while humming a small tune to distract from the uncanny silence of the ship. Tonight would be special, since you and your boyfriend basically had the whole place to themselves, and Killer was quick to suggest a date night consisting of dinner and stargazing in the Crow's nest. Well, of course there was also the option of him taking you out, but since everyone else was gone the tall pirate couldn't help but look forward to spending some time with you and you alone. And knowing that his best friend would be more than enough to keep the ship safe and that his buddy was probably longing for some 'sappy romance' time with you alreaey, Kid almost instantly allowed Killer to stay behind while he went on ahead and took the rest of the crew out and into the town to finally seek some entertainment.

However, right now the smell of something burning immediately pulled the masked pirate out of his train of thoughts and back into reality, and with a quick movement he lifted the pan off of the stove to start preparing the plates for tonight’s dinner. There wasn't much to work with in the kitchen, since most of the pirates’ diet consisted of alcohol and the food they stole scavenged from their trips to different islands. And because no one really took it upon themselves to keep an eye on the pantry, a majority of said food had gone bad already, and would later be discarded into the sea like almost everytime they reached a new port. But whether it was just luck or thanks to his keen eye, Killer actually managed to salvage a few pieces of somewhat fresh looking meat alongside with his private stash of pre-cooked spaghetti noodles, and so he was able to pull a somewhat decent dinner together which consisted of- well, spaghettis and meat with a somewhat spicy vegetable sauce. The tall man now pulled out two plates which he had previously scrubbed clean (since tidiness was another foreign term on this ship) and started to add some final touches, eager to finish with all the preparations before you would be done with getting dressed. However, since he didn't want to serve you any uncooked meat, he had to take some extra time with getting everything ready, so upon hearing you knock at the kitchen door Killer let out a small sigh. As to be expected, you had beaten him to it.

A few large steps later his hand wrapped itself around the door knob, ready to see what clothes you had chosen to wear for your little ‘date’. His gaze wandered back to the finished plates once more to make sure that he didn't forget anything, before he opened the door with a loud squeak.

Even when surrounded by the people he cared about and trusted, Killer would always keep his mask on his face or within reach, and moments like these once again reminded him of just how crucial that was- the sight of your beautiful curves hugged perfectly by the smooth (d/c) dress you choose to wear, your hair styled exactly how he adored it the most, and that gentle smile grazing your beautiful lips... his face turned as red as a tomato within mere seconds.

„Ahem, all done? I was just about to finish up myself, so you can go up to the crow's nest already if you want.“ he cleared his throat and made sure to keep his voice steady while his eyes were still glued to your gorgeous form.

But the smile on your lips only seemed to widen as you walked straight past him with a small giggle and gleefully eyed the plates your boyfriend previously put on the table.

„Mh, I could do that, but the smell of something delicious kiiiiind of demanded for me to come and check on you,“ you admitted and lifted your gaze from the food to look over at the masked man still standing at the door, „...and the food don't smell too bad either.“ you added with a playful wink which caused the corners of Killer's mouth to twitch upwards under his mask.

„Come now, don't be ridiculous.“ he replied sternly and in an attempt to make it seem as if he was brushing off your teasing, but as he walked over to join you by your side a large hand immediately reached out and started to rub your shoulder affectionately.

„But if you want to help I won't stop you. The plates are rather hot so I will take care of them- but look, the silverware is right over there.“ Your smile slowly turned into a playful pout, disappointed that he didn't seem to play along with your teasing, but regardless of that you walked over to the counter and picked up the forks and spoons with a dramatic sigh. As soon as both of you were more or less loaded with what you needed for the dinner, Killer let his eyes roam around the kitchen once more to make sure that he didn't miss anything and then gave the signal to head up to the Crow's nest. 

The way back to the deck was rather quiet, neither one of you felt any desire to disrupt the unusual silence with needless conversation, especially since there were things to hold and concentrate on. But regardless, there was a definite feeling of excitement rushing through your veins as you couldn't wait to finally spend a calm and quiet night just with your boyfriend- no drunken crewmates singing offensive shanties, no Captain Kid pulling Killer away for an arm-wrestling competition, and no one going for a swim because they tried to flirt you up while being drunk, which of course lead to Killer throwing them overboard.

No, tonight it was only the sound of the waves sweeping against the ship and the crying of the seagulls that were still circling the port. By now the two of you had finally managed to climb up into your destinated spot, (which was not a simple task for Killer who carried two piping hot plates with food, if I may add) and with delight you realized that he had actually prepared everything already- a bunch of pillows were lying all over the little space you had, most likely in order to make it more comfortable and cozy to sit, and a small table was placed in the middle for you two to eat on.

„Oh Killer, it really looks lovely!“ you exclaimed in a dreamy voice as your feet carried you over to the two biggest pillows, which were undoubtly arranged as the main seating opportunity. The masked man behind you simply smiled with pride as he put the plates down onto the table and headed over to the biggest pillow, where he quickly sat down with a loud 'thud!'. His hands immediately reached behind his head as he turned away from you and carefully craned his neck to the side, so the mechanism that kept his mask in place was now exposed.

„Would you, please?“ he asked in a calm tone, although the question was rather pointless since you were already on it and fumbling around with the mask, which opened and landed in his lap a few moments later. A proud smile grazed your lips as you clapped your hands together in excitement and allowed yourself to sink back into the pillow, right next to your boyfriend.

„There! Now, do I finally get to look at that handsome face?“ you inquired with a small giggle, and Killer playfully ran a hand through his hair to brush some strands out of his face before turning around to look at you.

His gaze roamed over your body again, now to take in all the little details that he previously missed or couldn't make out from behind his mask, a hungry glimmer reflected in his eyes. And just like him your (e/c) orbs were glued to his face, more specifically to those beautiful eyes sparkling especially bright thanks the light of the moon, and that gentle smile that could melt you right there on the spot. A happy sigh escaped your lips as moments which felt like hours passed by, the two of you only focussing on taking each other's form in as if this would be the last time you'd see each other in years.

„Like what you see, (Y/N)?“ the tall man then whispered in a playful tone as he held himself back from releasing a small chuckle and handed you your plate, a wide smile now plastered on your face.

„Well I oughta get a good look until you turn unrecognizable once more,“ you giggled and pointed down at his own plate, indirectly joking about how much of a messy eater he tended to be. And indeed, the first times that you and him dined together, Killer's face did get so messy from the food that you almost thought there was a stranger sitting next to you.

But the pirate simply brushed it off as the corner of his mouth twitched upwards and instead focussed on the spaghetti before it would get cold.

A simple nod of your head was enough to signal that you were thinking the same, and so Killer quickly handed you a spoon and fork before literally... digging into the dish.

Now having dinner with him was always something special, and since he wasn't wearing his mask you could actually observe how his face would lit up as he enjoyed the taste of the food he had prepared earlier. A smile grazed your lips as you occasionally reached for a napkin to clean some sauce off of his cheek, all while cuddling up to your boyfriend in order to feel his warmth. Although the spaghetti was already doing a great job of heating you up from the inside.

„So.... I heard Kid once again broke the arm-wrestling table Wire brought from the last port? How many times did this happen now?“ you asked with a playfully raised eyebrow, the plate with your remaining food now sitting in your lap as you felt the desire to talk with your boyfriend for a bit. Killer almost choked on his pasta at the mention of what went down the night prior- it was definitely not an evening he was keen on recalling (especially since someone spilled alcohol all over his new shirt at some point), but the memory of his captain angrily smashing his fist down on his favorite table, breaking it in the process, still brought a smirk to his face.

„Well, if I recall it correctly, then Kid actually made a comment about that just before leaving with the rest of the crew... something about 'taking a new table from the nearest bar' they would be visiting,“ he grinned and shook his head before picking up his fork again, but you suddenly got an idea which almost made you chuckle out loud.

„Hehe, then I hope he takes that table before getting drunk again, or else he might mess up and accidentally carry home a donkey instead!“ you laughed and playfully slapped your boyfriend's knee, the idea that Kid might be so wasted that he wouldn't be able to tell the difference between a donkey and a table sounded absolutely hilarious in your mind.

For a quick moment, silence returned to the ship once more as you waited for your partner’s reaction- mentally you were already anticipating a light chuckle or his usual playful smirk, but then a high-pitched sound suddenly tore through the air and almost startled you as you looked up at Killer with suprise.

„Faaaffaffaffaffaffa!“ said man was covering his eyes with a hand, his mouth wide open as the unusual sound of his laughter reached your eyes.

Now, seeing your boyfriend smile was one thing, but him laughing was actually still pretty foreign to you even until this very day, so to say that you were caught off-guard was quite the underestimation. Both your mouth as well as eyes were opened wide as you stared at Killer, who's laughter now began to die down just as quick as it had started. Almost as if he realized that he just made a terrible mistake, the blonde man lowered his head as his smile faded into a frown and his hand was still pressed against the upper part of his face, thus completely shielding his eyes from your view.

You could basically feel how Killer's mood immediately decreased, a look of shame and discomfort now on his handsome features as he averted his gaze even more by turning his head to the side. His hand slowly wandered down to now press itself against his mouth, seemingly to keep any further noise from escaping.

Silence returned once more, but this time it was because neither of you seemed to know how to respond to what had just happened, and you were still in awe of actually hearing your boyfriend's laugh for the first time. Of course you knew about how much he detested the sound of his own laughter, it was something he had already told you early on into the relationship, but you never really understood what could make him hate his own voice so much. And even now, you still didn't understand. Was this... was this what he was so embarrassed of? Well admittedly, it was quite an unusual laugh, but it definitely didn't sound like something to be ashamed of! In fact, now that you finally heard it for yourself, you realized that this could very well be a sound you could grow used to...

Killer however took your silence and the thoughtful expression on your face as an indirect sign of rejection, and although he was relieved that you didn't laugh, he still felt incredibly ashamed and vulnerable because of what just happened, so he decided to do what would be for the best in his eyes.

„It's okay,“ he cleared his throat and tore his glance from your face to look to the side again, before silently picking up his plate and slowly standing up, „I can... I’ll leave, if you want it.“

His voice was nothing but a hoarse whisper as he lifted his head and prepared to climb back down, but suddenly the feeling of your hand gripping his arm caused him to stop right in his tracks. Confused, and still mildly uncomfortable, Killer turned around as if he was expecting you to make a joke or some sort of comment, but instead you simply turned your head to the side and blinked up at him with slight confusion.

„Don't go! It's just... you know... I never heard you laugh before.“ you exclaimed in your usual warm and calm tone, without any trace of malice or mockery hidden underneath, which caused Killer to slightly relax from his tense state.

„As you can tell, there is a reason for that...“ he simply muttered and lowered his gaze again, which caused you to slightly loosen your grip as you furrowed your eyebrows in irritation.

„Actually... no, I can't.“ you bluntly admitted and kept on looking him in the eyes so he wouldn't continue to avert his gaze. Your sudden bluntness caught Killer off-guard for a moment as he frowned down on you as if you were kidding, but judging by your intense glare it was clear that you wouldn't let him walk off like this. At least not without a talk, so just as quick as he got up he sat back down again, his arms now crossed infront of his chest. It was clear that he didn't want this sudden 'outburst' to ruin your datenight, but deep within him there were the same insecurities that plagued him for years rising up again, mainly concerning his laugh and how others would respond to it.

„(Y/N)... I don't mean to overreact, but I'm sure you are aware that this is... a difficult topic for me...“ Killer simply sighed and ran a hand through his messy hair while his eyes were fixated on a point far away in the starry sky. Of course you knew that this wasn't easy for him, after all he did tell you about how much he always hated his own laugh and how people who dared to make fun of it would pay a devastating price for that, but now that you finally knew what it sounded liked... you were oddly relieved, to be honest.

„Yeah, I know, but Killer- you may see it as a flaw, but to me... I never heard you laugh before. Do you know how happy it makes me to finally know about this?“ his gaze slowly wandered over to your face, and although the frown on his lips was still as hard and unmoving as before, he was kind of curious now to hear what you had to say.

„...I'm... It always felt like there was something missing...“ you continued and carefully put a hand on top of his knee, „I've seen you smile, heard you cry... this is actually something I've been wondering and worrying about for a long time.“ your voice slowly began to fade out and blend in with the sound of the crashing waves as you wondered how this sudden confession would make him feel. Would he be mad? Sad? Would he leave? Part of you was almost expecting him to get up and walk away without saying another word, but instead the tall man carefully put a large hand of his own on top of yours.

„Well, if I’m being honest- I was... kind of wondering and especially worrying too. About how you might react,“ Killer admitted and closed his eyes for a moment as the painful memories of how many times he was teased for his laugh boiled up again, but he did his best to suppress those negative emotions and thoughts for your sake, „and I... misjudged you. After a while you just get used to people laughing at you, so you start assuming everyone might react the same. But you, (Y/N)-“ his head turned your way, his eyes now glued to your form as he raised an arm and gently stroke over your cheek, „-are different. I probably should have figured that much.“ he muttered and awkwardly cleared his throat before lowering his gaze as a small red hue formed on his cheeks.

It's true that talking about this had been something he was dreading, but the fact that you're willing to support him and look past this detested flaw of his once again reminded Killer just why you meant so much to him- similar to Kid, you were there and able to accept him for who he was, flaws and weird laugh included.

A large smile spread on your face as you affectionately rubbed your cheek against his hand, happy that you managed to get him in a somewhat better mood again. This topic might never be an easy one for him, but you were more than glad to have finally talked about it.

„Mhh, and know what? As a matter of fact, there are a few embarrassing secrets of my own that you don't know yet either!“ you chuckled and playfully nudged his side while reaching behind you with your free hand. Killer's ears quickly perked up at that as he felt himself relax more and more, the usual smirk now plastered on his face- he was happy to change the topic to something a bit lighter-themed.

„Oh? Is that so?“ the blonde man asked and raised an eyebrow while mustering your face up close, but your smile only widened as you suddenly pulled out a small bottle of what he presumed to be wine. Of course. There wasn't a single place on this ship that wasn't equipped with alcohol.

„Hehe, I coooould tell you- if I'm drunk enough!“ you sang loudly and shook the bottle around in front of him as a tease, to which Killer replied with grabbing the item and getting ready to uncork it, his smirk softening a bit as he wrapped an arm around you and pulled you closer while continuing to inspect the beverage.

„Well, you got my full attention- I suppose it can't be helped then...“

...and getting drunk with you on this starry night sounded just about perfect to him right now.

[starkie-md]

i keep getting told it’s okay not to be okay, but everytime i try to reach out for help or some type of comfort the tables are turned and I’m made into the bad gay. Ive gone to a lot of funerals of family members. I’m 15 and I’ve been to about 23, I believe. I’ve never cried at any of them, except one. I cried at the funeral last week on tuesday because my aunt who was more like a mom or grandma to me died, and I couldn’t take it. She taught me everything, she practically raised me, and she was my everything. I found out the other weekend, on Saturday night and I broke down, I had a panic attack, and I couldn’t breathe, and I almost passed out but luckily one of my friends managed to help me calm down and let me use her inhaler because my asthma decided to act up during the attack. When I finally got my breathing under control I answered messages and acted like nothing had happened. I comforted the person who needed me and I pushed every thought and feeling aside so I could be numb and wouldn’t have to deal with my feelings. A few days later I found out that I wasn’t in the obituary as family, I wasn’t even mentioned but my baby brother who’s only been in her life for 8 months was. I had another breakdown because I thought that because I wasn’t blood, that I didn’t matter and I wasn’t part of the family. I thought that all the love I had for her and all the love she had for me wasn’t enough to make me family. Not even the fact that the man who has been in my life since I was 8 months old didn’t consider me his daughter because I wasn’t blood. I reached out for help and I wasnt given comfort, I was basically told that it wasn’t important. And I know that it wasn’t important but it felt like the other half of my heart had been ripped out of my body and I felt so fucking broken. So once again I made myself numb and got ready for the funeral. The whole day I was sobbing. The entire fucking time I was sobbing. I didn’t reach out for comfort that night. I made myself numb again and I comforted someone else. The next day, I reached out for help for schoolwork and I felt like a fucking failure because like an idiot, I didn’t transfer my work from grammarly to my google doc, and I would fail if I didn’t get it in. I told them never mind and basically said the stuff from before and their reply was cold and hard and I had another panic attack, in the middle of class that time. This time, I did pass out. When I was allowed to go back to class, I disabled the account that I was messaging the person on so I couldn’t go on the account and read over every text, and analyze every word which would probably lead to me having another panic attack. I turned my phone off and tried to collect myself, it didn’t work, so I took another trip to numb town. When school was over, I went home and just stared at the wall for a few hours before finally answering one of my friends messages. I gave a brief explanation of what I had done and why, then I gave in to their pleas to message back the person who I’d been comforting since the death. They had sent 5 messages I hadn’t replied to. The 6th message they sent I replied to. That message was them ending the relationship. Over the course of a little less than 100 hours I lost two people and completely lost myself. I’ve never felt so fucking empty in my entire life. I haven’t genuinely smiled, laughed or enjoyed anything in about 2 weeks. I’m no longer 5 and a half months clean, i almost overdosed this weekend but I managed to make myself stop. I drank more than I’ve ever drunk before, and I’ve taken way more meds than i should’ve. I want to be numb, that’s all I want. But I’m not. I can feel everything and it’s eating me alive. I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to die but I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to exist. For anyone reading this, please don’t panic and think I’m going to hurt myself, because I’m not. I might carry on with the self destructive behaviour for a while longer because at least it helps me forgot, doesn’t stop me from feeling but it makes me forget.

I mean how can it be okay to not be okay when you get treated like shit for reaching out? I try to help others because I know what feeling empty and broken and hurt is like, because I feel that right now. I’m sorry, other people have it worse. I shouldn’t post shit like this here. M supposed to be an avengers account not a depressing account. I’m sorry everyone.

[yukiwrites]

A Retelling of Their Story

Thanks for the support as always, @breeachuu! This one was so fun to write, I hope you have as much fun reading it, too! ;D This is a Support Chain between Wolfram x Caspar, and you can read more about how they got acquainted in Wolfram’s series, right >here<!

Commission info HERE and HERE!

______________________________

C SUPPORT

Wolfram, crouching: ...

Caspar: Huh? Isn’t that the new kid? What’s he doing all hunched over like that? Heeey, are you alright? You’re shaking- WHOA, that’s a hell lotta cats! How did you manage to round up so many?!

Wolfram: *sobs*

Caspar, crouching: Uh, you alright there, buddy? These cats scratched you?

Wolfram: N-no, it’s just… I don’t have e-enough *sobs* enough hands to pet them all!

Caspar: *chokes* Yeah? There’re like a dozen cats here, of course you can’t pet all of them!

Wolfram: Yes…! They’re all so cute, don’t you agree? Look, that one has a spot right in the middle of its forehead… I want to pet it… And that other one?! His mew is so soft I just want to squeeze him until, until… And that one with the crooked tail? I can’t- it’s so cute-

Caspar: Alright, lemme give you a hand in all this petting, then! FOUR HANDS NOW, BABEY!

Wolfram: !! Oh, don’t yell like that, you’re gonna startle them-

Caspar: Ick, they all turned poofy-tailed on me, did I do somethin’? The dogs all wag their tails when I pet them...

Wolfram: *chuckles* You can’t yell at a cat, they’re really sensitive to loud noises. Here, why don’t you try this one that’s been sitting quietly on my lap? She’s a bit older than the others so she’s better for beginners to handle.

Caspar: Oh, wow, you’re right! She’s so soft and she’s just snuggling in my lap now! You know your stuff ‘round cats, huh? Oh, maybe ‘bout animals in general? You’re always taking care of that wyvern you showed up with.

Wolfram: Heehee, yeah, I love being with animals. My fath-uuhh, I think it makes me feel at home for some reason. Maybe I kept a lot of pets when I was young? It soothes me.

Caspar: Oh yeah, guess that must be it. 

Caspar: That’s it, then! Let’s keep pettin’ these boys ‘til you regain your memory! SOME of it has GOTTA come back after all that petting, yeah?!

Wolfram: *sweats* hahaha… I-I guess? Sure! I won’t say no to petting kittens!

Caspar: Great!

Caspar: But you just said this ol’ lady here isn’t a baby, right-

Wolfram: Look, all cats are kittens, okay? That’s a rule! Like all dogs are puppies!

B SUPPORT

Wolfram: Phew! There, now you’re all clean, Aquilo! Thanks for being so patient, boy!

Wyvern screeches

Wolfram: Hee-hee, no need to thank me! Now up you go, if you wanna go hunt for breakfast- wait, it’s this late already?! No wonder I’m starving! Then go on hunt your lunch, Aquilo! I’ll drop by the dining hall before I start seeing double from hunger!

Scene changes

Wolfram: Hm? What’s… that noise coming from the direction of the dining hall?

???: … -o, GO, GO!!

Wolfram: That sounds like a lot of people yelling… something? I don’t feel any danger, so I wonder what is it?

???: GO, GO!! WOOHOO!

Wolfram: …

Wolfram: … I’m so curious! I’ll go see it before getting something to eat!

Scene changes

Wolfram: Whoa! That’s a lot of people! Wh-what’s going on? They’re all making a circle like they’re watching something in the middle… Oh, wait, I can get on the tip of my toes and… *gasps* Caspar?! And, uh, Leonie? Hilda? Raphael…? What’s all- why is there a giant bucket of water...

Caspar: Vor- blughrt, vor vug’s *sputter* *cough* Dammit! I almost had it!

Hilda: Annnd we have a winner! Leonie retains her title as the champion, even though we didn’t have the crackers we were supposed to since Raphael ate them all!

???: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOO!!!

Raphael: It was a waste of food, alright? But congrats everyone! It was fun!

Caspar: ONE MORE TIME!

Wolfram: W-what’s going on?! I managed to walk past the crowd, but now that I look closer, all of your shirts are wet...

Caspar: Oh, Wolf! Good timing! D’you wanna challenge Leonie with me? She’s the only one who can say ‘for fuck’s sake’ with a mouth full of water -- or crackers -- without spilling! She’s the BOSS!

Wolfram: *sputters* W-what’s this about?

Caspar: A game, man! C’mon, it’s gonna be fun! We were supposed to do this with crackers and it gets so nasty, it’s HILARIOUS! We’ve been doing this every three weeks or so and Leonie keeps defending her title as the champion!

Leonie: I’m actually glad we changed from crackers to water, though. It really DID feel like a waste of food.

Raphael: Yeah!

Wolfram: *chuckles* This sounds super fun, can I play, too? There was nothing like this where I grew up- um, I mean, I think there wasn’t!

Caspar: Great! Either way, it’s gonna be a new memory! C’mon, I’ll teach you-

Wolfram: Learning from the one who just lost? Shouldn’t I ask Leonie to teach me instead?

Caspar: *gasps* You gotta stay by me, man! Let’s defeat her together!!

Scene fades to black

Wolfram: Bor bu- *gulps* Oh, no! I swallowed the water again!

Caspar: NOO! Let’s go back to crackers!

Leonie & Raphael: No way!

Wolfram: Hahah! It’s okay, Caspar, sorry I lost on our rematch, anyway! Though I don’t think I had the best teacher...

Caspar: Hey! My technique is flawless, okay?! Leonie’s the one doing something out of this world! I’m gonna find out what and I’ll win next time!

Leonie: Sure, you’re free to try, Tiny. See ya then.

Leonie and the others leave

Wolfram: Phew, that sure was fun! Somehow I managed to forget how hungry I was, haha! Guess all that water in my stomach tricked me.

Caspar: We’ll win next time for sure, ya hear? C’mon, let’s go eat something and then keep training!

Wolfram: Uh, training how to curse with water in my mouth?! Can’t we just wing it when the time comes?

Caspar: No way! We’re getting better before Leonie has the time to train more!

Wolfram: … I’m sure she just wings it, too, though…?

Caspar: Huh? What’re you doing still standing there? C’mon or we’re not gonna find two seats next to each other!

Wolfram: Haha, alright, I’m coming!

A SUPPORT (POST SKIP)

Caspar: Ouch, they, that stings, Wolfram!

Wolfram: Honestly! Of course it stings, you hotheaded, you-! If I had stronger medicine around, I would be sure to use it instead of this salve just so it would sting more!

Caspar: Owowow, you’re squeezing the bandages! It’s like I’m being beat-up all over again, man, calm down!

Wolfram: I AM calm! But you? What were you thinking, jumping in front of the enemy in the middle of battle like that?! I almost had a heart attack seeing you take those blows that were meant for me.

Caspar: You weren’t on your wyvern, man! I wasn’t gonna let you be mauled to death by those punks. You’re so thin and usually use magic, so I know I’m a better punching bag than you -- and I can punch back, too! Did you see me there? Hah, left, right, UPPERCUT! I beat them even more than they beat me, so it ended up being fine, didn’t it?

Wolfram, pouting: That might be true, but don’t do that again, okay? I can take a punch. And I don’t want people to get hurt because of me...

Caspar: No way! Back at the Academy you were always shaking and blue-in-the-face whenever we went on a mission! That stuck on me, man. I don’t mind breaking a bone or three, so you don’t need to get all panicky like that everytime I get hurt, you know? Did you know that the more a bone breaks, the stronger it gets? So even when I get hurt, I’m just gonna get stronger in the end!

Caspar: So don’t worry and just let me-

Wolfram: NO!

Caspar: !!

Wolfram: I don’t want the people I care about to get hurt! And I AM strong enough to protect myself!

Caspar: I’m not calling you weak -- I’m just sayin’ I’m strong! I’m not as big as Raphael and my muscles don’t pop up the buttons of my shirt, but I ain’t going down that easily. There’s literally no need to be this worried for me.

Wolfram, lowering head: I… There was actually something I’ve always wanted to tell you, even during our student days. I was planning to tell you after today’s battle, but then you did this stupid thing and- and now I’m… *sobs*

Caspar: Whoa whoa whoa there, d-don’t cry, Wolf! I’m fine, see? Look at this! *flexes* uh-ouch, ouch- that might’ve popped a vein...

Wolfram: *chokes* You are an idiot. *sniffles* Let me see that.

Caspar: I keep forgetting you know healing magic. Thanks again!

Wolfram: … No, Caspar. Thank YOU for saving me. I’m still angry at you for jumping in like that, but I’m no less grateful for the gesture.

Caspar: No problem, Wolf. I’d do it again, though, so you better get used to the anger, hah!

Wolfram: *sighs* I wanted to say this in a better mood, but here goes nothing.

Caspar: Huh? That’s… Oh, that’s the locket you’ve kept since back then, right? You said it was probably important to you before you lost your memory.

Wolfram: That’s… About that, Caspar. I’m sorry.

Caspar: Weh? What’re you apologizin’ for?

Wolfram: I… well… I never… *sighs* I never lost my memory in the first place. That was an elaborate story me and my siblings came up with so I would be able to mingle better here, since I knew nothing of this place.

Caspar, surprised: ...

Wolfram: And, uh, this locket? It has my most precious possession -- a dragonstone. It allows me to transform and…

Screen flashes white.

Caspar: *blinks* Wh-what happened- !! You-!

Wolfram: … There might’ve been better ways to say, but I think showing it directly would be easier than explaining. Although this is a VERY roundabout way of saying it, what I’m trying to say -- apart from the truth, of course -- is that I can very well take care of myself and that you don’t need to jump into danger to save-

Caspar: YOU HAVE WINGS?! 

Wolfram: !!

Caspar: YOU HAVE WINGS, MAN! Turn around, lemme see ‘em! Whooooa, why didn’t you tell me this sooner?! We could’ve gone to SO MANY PLACES so fast! Sure, we flew on Aquilo sometimes, but this?! This is amazing!

Wolfram: … Um, uh-

Caspar: I don’t get why you’d keep quiet ‘bout something as cool and badass like that! You’re, like, a dragon?! Half a dragon? What. The. Fuck. 

Caspar: How far can you fly? Can I get on Aquilo while you fly beside us? Oh! Maybe carry me?! What the hell, man, this is amazing.

Wolfram: You’re, um, not mad?

Caspar: Mad? Mad?! Yeah, I’m mad! I’m MAD AMAZED! Now you gotta tell me so much stuff- no, wait, show them to me instead! C’mon, we’re going flying right now-

Wolfram: Now wait just a moment, mister! You’re not leaving this bed!

Caspar: To hell with the bed, Wolf! Throw some more healing magic on me, or don’t! We’re gonna go outside, stat!

Wolfram: C-Caspar, wait- Don’t run! You’re gonna open your wouuuunds!!

S SUPPORT

Caspar: Puaah! Nothing like a good beer at night to scream ‘peace’, ey, Wolf?

Wolfram: *fidgets* Haha, yeah… Peace… We’ve truly won this war, huh? Byleth’s gonna live her life with Dimitri and… My role here...

Caspar: Huh? You’re mumbling there, Wolf. You okay? I thought you’d be happier ‘bout ending the fighting and stuff! You never liked it, right?

Caspar: It was fun, though, wasn’t it? Hahh, I guess I gotta go looking for more fights to get into, huh? Maybe a knight? Hmmm, or mercenary? I don’t gotta go back to my territory, but I guess I should pay Dad a visit before disappearing, huh?

Wolfram: Disappearing...

Caspar: Oh, do you wanna come with? Since you’re not from here, it’s not like you have somewhere to go right away, right?

Wolfram: !! 

Wolfram: A-actually, I was going to ask you something like that, too...

Caspar: Muh? You want me to meet your dad, too?

Wolfram: T-that… well. Something l-like that, yes? And my Mother, too. And my siblings. And my friends.

Caspar: Haha! That’s a lotta people you wanna introduce to me! But sure, I’m game! We go visit my parents first for a bit and then we can go to your world- oh yeah, how are we gonna cross? You said you popped outta a portal like the one Byleth jumped out of after she changed her hair color, right? Are we gonna ask her to open another one? Or can you conjure one?

Wolfram: Um, we’re going to cross one, but it’s gonna come on its own- Wait a second. Wait just a freaking second. You’re really okay with coming with me to my world?! What if the portal never opens again? You’ll never see your family-

Caspar: Eh. About time I left to do my own stuff, yeah? I wasn’t actually planning on seeing them at all -- my Father’s fucking SCARY, Wolf -- but I just guessed I gotta, y’know? I helped win the war and all… They’re from the Empire, alright, but I think they’ll be just fine one way or another, so I’m good!

Caspar: Other than that, I’m more curious about the stuff you said ‘bout your world! Your WHOLE family’s like you, right? Dragons, man. Dragons!

Wolfram: C-Caspar, wait, you’re talking too fast. Calm down. I need a few moments.

Caspar: Yeah? What’s up?

Wolfram: Fwoooo, breathe in, hahhhh, breathe out. Fwwwoooooo… hahhhh… One more time.

Caspar: You okay, man? What’s this all about?

Wolfram: Caspar.

Caspar: Hm?

Wolfram: Cassspar.

Caspar: Spit it out, Wolf! Stop saying my name like that!

Wolfram: You REALLY don’t get the implications of accepting coming with me to my world, do you? At all?

Caspar: Implications? I’m gonna meet your family, like you’re gonna meet mine.

Wolfram: *sighs* You’re an idiot.

Caspar: I mean, you’re not gonna catch me saying I’m not, but what brought that on? Did I do something?

Wolfram: *fidgeting* How did you plan on introducing me to your family?

Caspar: My partner, of course!

Wolfram: *chokes* Partner-

Caspar: Aren’t we?! We’re unstoppable- wait, your hands on my face-mmpph!

Wolfram: ...

Caspar: mmph… That- that was a kiss. Did you- did you just kiss me.

Wolfram: … Yes, you idiot.

Caspar: *claps* AH! So it’s THAT kind of introducing to the family! I get it now! Hahaha!

Caspar, blushing: Oh, now I’m getting embarrassed, hah! Gods, I don’t think I know what to say now, especially after accepting everything without knowing what it all meant!

Wolfram: … Do you regret it?

Caspar: Hell no! C’mere you, and give me more of that! Mmmm!

Wolfram: Mmph! Y-you-

Caspar: Puahah! Turns out kissing you is WAY better than drinking the night away! Give me more!

Wolfram, blushing: A-anytime you want, of course, but- are you really okay with me? With… all of this?

Caspar: Hah! Do I look like I think too much? What matters is that we’re gonna be together, Wolf. And man, it took you to kiss me to realize how much I love being with you! Heck, I love YOU!

Wolfram: *sniffles* Oh, Caspar… I love you, too...

Caspar: Haha! Now bring those lips here...

Wolfram: So hasty...

[tallat-of-thralls]

Abbey Adventure

Part 1

One time i was at a Catholic Abbey and had a conversation with one of the monk priests there.

I was brought there by one of their acolytes that had been a patron for over 15 years. The Father wanted to know why i suddenly appeared out of the blue if i was this important to one of their congregation members and why is it only now, after 15 years, that i was brought up.

I skipped around the topic, trying to avoid the dynamics of what I was raised under, avoiding topics relating to myself or my history, and establishing that i was trying to form networks of communication and connect to higher powers.

He immediately pegged me as not Catholic even though i went to every sermon i was present for but the curious figment was this; when i had been introduced the blood rushed from his face out from a startle.

"Before i became a monk, i had a daughter with your name." He said, proceeding to follow me for the duration of my stay.

The acolyte i was with had proclaimed me his daughter -though legitimacy to that claim is unfounded- and liked to make a show of it. It would drag on me.

After the priest spoke to me of his daughter briefly, i feared that he had developed feelings of transference. Though not said directly, i did see his figure out of the corner of my eye at a safe distance when i was trotting around the holy abbey grounds.

It took me hiking the desert cliffs and slipping through some of the ground staff doors to finally not have a monk in full cassock haunting my steps. Unfortunately, it does mean i lost my original entourage that brought me there.

Since this was a retreat, there was a church group there for a few days taking a vow of silence. Im not sure on the rules of that but they spent most of it texting eachother. When my hosts and i sat in the common room waiting to enter the dining hall, something my guide had done or said irked this group. (Perhaps it was his snide remark about protestants.) This caused one of the church members to confront him angrily about making to much noise. Funny break in the vow after only a couple of hours.

Sitting there, goth witch that i am, i simply watched the strange exchange. I was having a good time despite not being catholic but the sense of righteousness and entitlement they both had in that moment seemed... Petty?

Anyways, sometimes i was without my group and would eat alone with the monks and the sparse few silent pilgrims. Only, there was one man that was not part of any group nor was he a monk that i found a bit strange. He would sit alone, eating his food with this 1000 yard stare. He looked to be in his 70s and perhaps was there under care of the monks. I wouldnt know. I didnt ask, seemed rufe. But he would always sit alone at the end of the table. Not necesarily by his choice, the monks had their tables, the church groups had theirs, and we had ours. They were large tables and this man sat at the very end of my table nearest to the kitchen.

At school, i always sat alone because people avoided me and i got the same impression here. I felt that the abbey visitors avoided this man. The monks had their assigned seatings and cliques.

So, i took to sitting with this infirm man everytime i was in the dining hall. We never conversed. Id sit quietly across from him and eat my meal while he peeled his mangoes and drank his coffee.

The monks watched me carefully. They all did. Not just the father that followed me but they would gawk with a slight sneer whenever i was present. I didnt hide what I was, any man, woman, and child can see that i was a witch but i was in their house so i minded my manners and read their hymns.

During a lunch, i was sitting in between this lone man and my group not partaking in any of the self righteous conversation. Just eating my delicious bread hand made by one of the monks watching the lone man eat another mango and some yogurt. This prompted me to snatch a mango after i had finished my entree just because how juicy and ripe they looked.

I was peeling my mango when i felt a nudge from my compadres large elbow. When i had looked up, the priest was sitting across from me with a look of inquiry. I know i had been asked a question but i was too wrapped up in my mango ventures to have paid attention.

He had asked me on canon and if I had any questions. Perhaps a noncatholic or nonchristian had some questions about their Risen Lord. Thing is, my grandmother (who raised me) was catholic and my mother an exnun so i was familiar with the prayers and some of the less known day to day associations. I even use a rosary in my practice to show respect to my roots.

Thinking it was my duty to question the regiment as an outsider. I made a slick comment about the use of the King James bible (written by a protestant something my grandma complained about) and then i chided at the priest about other hobbies the monks may have other than prayer and devotion. (Mind you inwas sitting under a large 6 panel depiction of Mary, Joseph, pomegranates representing the virginal conception of Jesus Christ painted by one of the monks.)

Taken a back slightly, he gestured toward a clique of sharp looking monks with tidy modern hair cuts and goatees toward the corner of the room and made mention about their joy for motorcycles. A joy that i dont share due to my ecclectic and illnreputable upbringing.

Sneering i said, "i dont like bikers. Leather or canvas i detest them. I see the paintings and the clay art but are there other crafts not so readily displayed for the public entertainment?"

This made the monk chuckle. He has been following me and knows full well i have been trying to find ways into the restricted areas (mostly due to structural integrity and neglected funding). The only one i respectfully avoided were the monks residential quarters simply because women that aren't nuns were forbidden. Still, temptation, i wanted to see their quarters but i could easily have been black listed. But our conversation was soon interrupted by the religious banter and flatter from my gracious host.

The lone man had already picked up his mango peels and left his plate in the bus trays before leaving. While i returned to quietly picking away at the yellow orange flesh with the somewhat perturbed monk having to entertain his acolyte and not converse with the witch that bears his daughters name.

He was a clever priest, he caught up with us again when we we are at the book (gift) shop purchasing some trinkets to take back home to Texas with me. (I found a nice clay wall hanger that made me think of my mother in law that i later gave to her).

Here, while my acolyte host was distracted looking through books, the priest found me to inquire upon my hobbies and was more than curious to find that i enjoy writing.

Perhaps i should have chosen a different book project to talk about because i accidently made a comment about "the return of the godSSSS" as the theme. I felt myself grimace remembering i was talking to a catholic monk that had been a priest longer than i have been alive. But he took that tidbit of information with amusement and only grinned slyly at me.

Once again, our conversation was brief and soon interrupted by my raucous host allowing for me to make a quick get away before "witch" rolled off the tongues of one or more monks. Not that i was hiding it but i also didnt want to make it a point of conflict for the monks based off their religious principles.

Yes, im not catholic but in any regard a person who devouts themselves entirely and so intricately into their faith isnt something i feel i should contend with. Im no devil, not prophet, not temptress. I dont feel the need to seduce a monk with witchy knowledge. I was on their ground, im the guest. I had been invited and that invitation could be resent easily. I didnt want that.

I was having plenty of experiences there and i wasnt finished.

To be continued...

[skyblue-369]

We are so many on this world, but everybody starts their path here in exact the same way, don't they?

Somehow, that was not my case because I shared my birth with only 42 other children.

On The Twelfth Hour Of The First Day Of October 1989, Forty Three Women Around The World Gave Birth. This Was Unusual Only In The Fact That None Of The Women Had Been Pregnant When The Day First Began.

One of those unfortunate ladies was my mother. I don't know much about her. Just that she happened to pass by a very calm city in Northern Italy when I burst in her life. She didn't even have the time to look at me in the eyes that she decided to leave me by the door of a catholic orphanage. I still don't understand the reason why she didn't at least try to raise me by herself, but it's better like this. I must have caused her a hard trauma, and in addition we would have both lived a sad existence knowing that she didn't want me in the first place.

Anyway, being a religious building, there were nuns to run it. They welcomed me with open arms and named me Maria, even though they saw right away what I was capable of.

They always used to tell me how everytime I cried they had to wear gloves to hold me up because I would cover their hands in musk. Or wait, wait, wait! Also that I created little flower patterns on most of the hall floors when I moved my first steps. Yeah, I can grow plants by the way, but let's move on!

I brought some troubles with me, but they couldn't see a monster through this little girl's laughter. I was just another God's gift that needed care and protection. Actually, precisely because I was special, I was the one to receive it the most.

Besides the common bedroom, I had a space all for myself to practice in. Someone would expect some private garden, maybe a backyard. Now that I think of it, mine looked kinda like a cage, a room whose floor was covered in a thick layer of soil. Only the roof was replaced with a glass one in order to give me access to sunlight. I was supervised for all of my "playtime", when I mostly grew food for our supplies. No high plants were allowed except for fruit trees. Sometimes they'd let me recreate some pictures from my botany books, nothing more. Those brick walls made me frustrated, but I was too superficial at the time to understand they wanted to prevent me from escaping.

People continued to reassure me that I was doing good and that everyone relied on me to survive. They drowned my curiosity with privileges such as eating sweets more often than the others, having a higher education or receiving better gifts at Christmas. I cannot say I was living in luxury, but the nuns did their bests to make me live happily.

On the other side, the only thing they couldn't replace was my lack of affection.

The nuns treated me too well, but the other kids didn't seem happy about it.

It's insane that we've lived under the same roof for so many years, but we felt like acquaintances to each other. Although there was tension between us, they were never mean to me. Or maybe they were just gossiping when no one was watching. As a kid, I didn't understand how true friends are supposed to behave towards you. However, I knew that in friendship there should be a sort of feeling of comfort when staying together, and well, we didn't have it.

At the beginning, I was trying too hard to gain their trust, but then I started repeating to myself "I'm way better than everybody here. I could grow a whole forest in less than a minute if I wanted to. Who needs them? I'll have crowds cheering me one day."

...weird flex but okay

Unfortunately, I hoped to escape my very first failure by finding a family. I insisted and I've had some meetings with nice couples. Even if I couldn't show my powers, I was flawless. Aaand I received total rejection.

Probably it was all just a set up. For once, I envied the other children. Who wouldn't in my position? I had so much love to give and I would have been a good daughter! What have I possibly done wrong? I remember crying on the floor of my private room a few times and getting surrounded by weeds when I got up.

Time passed by and I ended up being eleven and without a family.

I used to dream about moving to the Amazon forest to look for a new species of flower. Maybe I would have found a guy who could talk to animals, who knows?

And then, I fell on a banana peel and slid into a series of unlucky events.

One day, we were having lunch and a silly argument came in. I'm still a teenager, it should be pretty normal at my age, shouldn'it? These two kids were mocking me and they were getting really heavy on me. I wasn't used to insults. Moreover, those words looked more and more like pieces of a bigger truth to me, so much that I hurt myself by pushing my hands over my ears. However, it was a single phrase that started it all.

"How can you even think that someone would love a narcissistic freak like you?"

I remember falling on my knees and closing my eyes, hands still on my ears. I just wanted silence, just for a moment. And I had it, indeed. It's only that when I opened my eyes, I saw them. The boys were lifeless, speared by some big branches all covered in blood. Branches that I made. It was my fault. It was my fault.

I needed to be calmed by those I thought as my loved ones, but I just receieved a shocked stare by every single nun. Some were standing still, while others were taking the children away.

"I can't stay here..." my body finally responded and I started running away. I restrained myself from throwing up. I went out and while I was climbing over the gate my left leg got stuck into a tube full of screws. I took it out right away without caring about my open wounds or how much they were making me suffer. I had to go on, I didn't even know where. I was finally visiting the world I wanted to see so desperately and I didn't even realise it. Eventually, I got to the harbour and both the stress and the seagulls put me to sleep in a ship container.

When I woke up, I didn't expect to be on the other side of the world. A bunch of sailors had brought me to the hospital of a little mountain town in the States called Anise Peak. When the nurse spoke English to me I freaked out. Luckily, I had taken some English classes at the orphanage and I could get away with it. Of course I ran away. They would have called the police and have sent me back to where I was from. I was wandering again, this time in the woods that surrounds the city. I was feeling completely lost. The single thought of the horror I had just committed made me impossible to use my powers in the future, so my chances of dying were higher. Nevertheless, something made me change my mind. Maybe God wanted me to stay longer and decided to bring me to a waterfall. I was taking a cold shower when I slipped on a door of leaves and saw that there was a hidden cave behind the waterfall. Eventually, it became my shelter. I've lived in here for almost three years now. How did I make it?

Well, thanks to my abilities I don't really need money for food. But after a while, when I found out that I couldn't live only on vegetables and fruit, I had to make up something. Almost outside the city old Damien has a supermarket, who unfortunately had a big problem at getting fresh veggies in such a cold area. And here it comes a farmer who lives nearby and is always busy, so sends his daughter to offer the man his services. Every two weeks I magically give him tons of goods in exchange of a little pay and some products such as bread or soap. I know it's not legal at all, but people are simple here and Damien was making a lot of money anyway. For me, it's tiring because I feel dizzy after I grow plants for a long period and because of transport, but at least I could live decently. The problem is that I had to be subtle to people's eyes. At night I have to put out the fire, or if I have to go out aside from work hours I have to climb trees and walk very high. I learned with time, and my scars prove it. Or maybe I can't walk around the town because everyone would recognise a new face.

I cannot call this "life" or "home", but it's fine at the moment. I get lonely from time to time, but I can always spy on families that come here camping. It's not that weird and it improves my language skills.

Oh my! Are those...gunshots? From the woods? What the hell is happening? It's better if I go check...

If you want to know more, go check:

[sepiadice]

Tales of Genius Ch. 3: Blossomforth Brides Pt. 1

(1/26/2019)

I’ve been wanting to get to this session for years. Literal years. Since the overly dramatic high school group, when I first introduced and used North Fort in a Pathfinder session, then reiterated on for years after, always dying to do this campaign.

What feels like a decade later,[1] we finally reach Blossomforth.

Shorter session this time. Limited player availability, late start, arguments over the difficulty dice in magic, my usual distraction making dinner.[2] The usual.

Hopefully I can coordinate sessions more often, since we actually stopped two-thirds of the way through my plans.

I’ll have to actually figure out what happens next. Dang.

CAST

Eli Roberts: (Played by Lyons) Child of Clio. Doctor, travelling to write a medical text akin to Gray’s Anatomy. He’s an Intellectual! Older gentleman, hits on women to fluster the GM.

Olivia Grayson: (Played by Maddie) Child of Thalia. Apprentice to Eli. Believes her Squirrel-raccoon companion is her boyfriend reincarnated. Murdered a dude, stole his clothes.

Fromthe: (Played by Jose) Child of Calliope. Military veteran and current mercenary. Also has some mercantile ambitions. Doing fine.

Jean De Ferrero: (Played by Anthony) Child of Terpsichore. Travelling con artist. Took aforementioned murder victim’s gun.

So we pick up where we left off last time: standing outside the Soldier’s Rest Mayor’s office, Eli with a letter. I had an idea for what they encounter if they backtracked to North Fort,[3] if they stay,[4] and of course if they actually move forward.

This is why it’s handy to be loose with session planning: gives you extra room to think up threads for other locations if the party goes rogue and wants to go back or over there. If you intend to mostly wing it, you can write out a couple sentence-long ‘this is a possibility’ suggestions, and be prepared to improv if you get called on it!

But the players tend to be good at minding my overly obvious plot threads. Maybe in an overly meta way. I have to learn subtlety.

Anyways, the party reviews the plot, and figures out how to advance. Namely, by going south to the nearest train station in Blossomforth.

They get a wagon ride and arrive about a half day later, in the evening.

Blossomforth is an agricultural town well regarded for its Strawberry Wine, which is exported even beyond the borders of Astree. Small town, traditional, and because I’d watched a Let’s Play of Night in the Woods, there’s a subtle undercurrent of the younger folks moving away and the older folks being afraid of the town fading away.

Eli happens to know someone in the town whose son he saved.[5] William lets Eli and pals stay at his home, noting his son moved to Taffyport and works at a factory.

Which is the first canon mention of Taffyport.

Unfortunately, due to winter, the trains aren’t running up to Blossomforth just yet. That’ll have to wait until after the Forest Bride Festival.

You see, every year, a little before spring, the town gathers to prepare for planting season and celebrate surviving winter. They open a barrel of Strawberry Wine prepared during the last Harvest Festival, dance, sing, play booth games, send a maiden into the woods for an ancient ritual, feast. That sort of stuff.

The party joke about human sacrifices. William gets uncomfortable. After some needling from Dr. Roberts, William comes clean:

The titular Forest Brides are supposed to come back. Historically, they do! Bring in a bottle of wine and food, supposedly talk to the local deity,[6] then come home.

The last two never came back. So the town’s divided. Be Tevye and continue tradition, or maybe stop losing girls to the woods... Forest? I’m not clear on that.

Anyways, Olivia hears forest and wants to go that way. We really need to examine why she’s learning medicine from Eli if she hates people so much.

The party manages to talk her into waiting for morning.

The next morning, she immediately heads towards the woods. The rest of the party follow. So I move a character from town to the woods so I can do the plot.

This is Ms. Marian Shepherd. In another, more elf-inhabited universe, the niece she shares a name with is often called Trix.[7]  Marian’s trying to get a pair of town guards to let her into the woods to investigate. Both Eli and Jean try to flirt, but Ms. Shepherd is more concerned about one of her pupils, Maryanne Diane, being this year’s Bride. Olivia hides amongst the trees.

Fromthe is businesslike, so she mostly deals with him.

She says they’d need to get permission from the town council, and agrees to take the party to them.

Olivia senses magic. There’s a lot of magic. Unfamiliar magic yet similar to what the party sensed in the mines they’d come from.

The party goes to where the festival preparations are happening and meet with the town council, who Eli decides he knows. I compromise, but mostly ignore the personalities he ascribes. We have Briggs, Sarah, and the third member who never got a name.[13] The party try to negotiate permission to investigate, mostly to Briggs.

Briggs is initially hesitant, but slowly comes around. The first Bride to go missing was his granddaughter, Ashley, but it’s not impossible she used the chance to run away and find a new life elsewhere. Fading town subplot, after all.

Councilwoman Sarah is opposed and doesn’t particularly like Eli, and tradition demands no trespass in the woods. Argue argue.

The third councilman, who most falsely assume is senile, speaks up and gives permission. As he’s the oldest person in a town that operates on a Town Elder system of governance, it’s the final word.

Briggs gives them a permission slip.

They invite Ms. Shepherd along, but she concedes she has nothing to offer, and was only trying to get into the woods so someone would be looking into things. Now someone is.

Into the woods.

The party follows the source of the odd magic, and eventually come upon a woman sitting on a boulder, eating a Corned Beef Sandwich with extra mayonnaise.[8] She introduces herself as Isabelle.

Oh, and Isabelle is wearing the same robes as the man Olivia murdered in the mine, and a rabbit skull mask. She also does not like seeing Olivia wearing the cloak and snake skull mask she looted, and demands to be allowed to burn it.

Olivia refuses, and after the party try to convince her to give the items up, Jean just grabs the mask, and eventually Olivia agrees to give up the cloak.

Turns out she’s here for the same reason as the party, more or less, and as they walk deeper into the forest, she provides some exposition.

She’s a Dark Shepherd, a secret society dedicated to maintaining cosmic balance and the traditions of Deep Magic, sometimes called dark magic or blood magic and the like. But it’s not really a morality thing, don’t worry.

The guy killed in the mines, however, belonged to a splinter group: the Feral Oaths. They think covering the land in iron and the growth of industry is bad and should be undone to return to the old ways.

She also says that, while deeply tragic, killing the giant snake in the mines may have been necessary, and doesn’t condemn the group. And while the loss of life is always sad, the man Olivia murdered[9] was a Feral Oath, so screw him.

They reach a clearing in the center of the forest. There’s a serene pond with a small island in the center with a tree on it. Isabelle takes a moment, concludes she doesn’t actually know if there’s a proper ceremony nor how to perform it, so she just sits.

A massive deer emerges.[10] The tree, as it turns out, is part of an antler. He’s really big.

He speaks. Probably in the mortals’ minds for the time being, but I didn’t specify that since I needed to get to a dramatic hanger.

So he’s been lonely. No one came last winter. Or the winter before that.

Which means the brides haven’t reached their destinations.

Huh.

Thus ends the session.

This is actually a little earlier than I planned, so I’ll have to figure out how to fill out the next session. I already have the general path Eli’s following, and I have schemes prepared for Fromthe and Olivia. I need to figure out something for Jean De Ferrero.[11] Probably should just talk to the player. Like a reasonable GM.

Lessons learned: nothing concrete comes to mind! I’m feeling more comfortable behind the screen, even though I still feel an amount of inadequacy. And I still need to confront my anxieties about my voice and speech impediment[12] before I can shift into a podcast project, but practice is always important. And hopefully a group that can lend gentle criticism and maybe argue about the magic rules less.

I think a good background thing is that it’s okay to have sidequests and plans that need to be triggered like a video game, and not to close options because the players didn’t jump on them. Narrative time is flexible, things can get moved, cooperate with players and grant them the chance to do what they feel is pressing and/or fun in the moment without sacrificing story or investment.

Until next time, may your dice make things interesting.

-

[1] Can’t be bothered to do the math. Write up should be on this blog.| [2] Everytime I tell myself ‘Next time, casserole’. Then I make something with curry. [3] Fun fact: in North Fort, I had a vague concept for what would happen if they decided to screw the catacombs/mine, and instead try going North to ask for help. Also an explanation the North Fort mayor would give for not trying this himself. [4] Both events could still trigger. Heh heh. [5] Lyons has picked up on my willingness to accept things that circumvent minor problems or non-issues. Would’ve let them grab an inn, but it doesn’t actually matter. He also names everyone because I’m garbage at names and haven’t enacted any solutions to said garbage. [6] Who isn’t a wolf that resides in wheat, and don’t you suggest I wear my inspiration blatantly on my sleeve! [7] Original, Pathfinder plan was this was a retired Trix, but things shifted, and Ms. Shepherd doesn’t have the right personality. [8] She needs the calories. [9] There were some lies about what happened, since he didn’t get a shot off, or really provide any characterization himself. [10] I decided to reference Princess Mononoke moments before I utilized it. So add it to the list of things I blatantly rip off. [11] Maybe he can found a confection company? [12] This has been occurring more often at work than the table, but still. [13] Lyons said third council-guy is name Lysander. I don’t recall this happening, so it’s a footnote of dubious canon now.

[saltymetaphysics]

Changes on T

Recently a friend of mine was asking about my experiences on T, changes, and so on. I thought that writing it down would make sure I could say everything I want to say and why not put it here to for other people to reference. 

The decision: I saw a therapist for a while before going on T. My deepest struggle was once I knew I was a trans man, I couldn’t tell if I wanted to pursue hrt or that I had just been conditioned by the trans narrative and was imposing a path that might not be mine on some internalized idea I wasn’t trans enough. Was I ready to take the leap and deal with the challenges unique to physical transition? And finally, I was terrified of going bald which I felt was vapid and vain so I wouldn’t bring it up, but it was something I needed to say outload so if it is something your struggling with honestly just say it.  I didn’t want the same things a lot of trans men I saw online or knew wanted. Frankly, I could still take or leave facial hair. Sometimes I think I might go back to shaving my legs too. There’s was always the question of money.  On the flip side, would I have such resources as easily accessible outside the university system? Ultimately though, I was always daydreaming about being on T one day and having t-shape, muscles, and a deeper voice. I would avoid full length mirrors at all costs so as not to see my hips. Exercise could not cut it with the change I wanted to my body overall.  The process: Once my therapist signed the letter it was sent to an endocrinologist which for me was all through my university which was a very lucky position to be in and then it all just happened so fast. I went to see her and I had a prescription physically in my hands for the first time. Early on: It was so too good to be true I started to have massive worries that it would be taken away. Once I dropped my bottle and the pharmacy was curious as to why I was back so early implying that they couldn’t give me my perscription and I went into a panic. It took me a while to not worry about that everytime I brought in my perscription. Physical changes: The first changes I experienced were my voice and my eyebrows. My voice would drop slightly then crack like crazy then drop again. Honestly I loved the cracking it made me feel like I was finally having a puberty experience that would yield the results I wanted. My eyebrows felt almost immediately darker and thicker. It actually looked much better on my face and was a much more masculizing feature than I expected. I think all my hair has gotten darker since starting T.  Next I started to see some slight side burns and the peach-fuzzist of a mustache. This continued with my chin, but seemed to hit an absolute threshold at 4 months with very minimal change afterwards.  An increase in appetite was also pretty quick and ended pretty quick. I think I eat a bit more in general, but not by much. (talking 3 pizza slices as opposed to two)

Mental changes: I’m less likely to cry. It’s not that I don’t feel sad, it just physically. I started to notice this around 3 months. My fuse to get angry is defiantly shorter. Frustration is much more of a go to for me. I don’t feel like transition has changed my emotions by any means though. If anything I am more in tune with my emotions and more confident in trusting my feelings and gut.   Almost immediately I started to notice that sensory things effected me more. Sight and hearing just felt more impactful to me. I just ended up getting use to it, but overall I feel like my attention span is just shorter. This could be totally just me being more aware of these things without worrying about how people perceive me and so on all the time, but I totally feel like it’s a thing.

6 months: My body started to redistribute the fat on my body more severely. My hips are so much thinner and I’ve lost the hour glass shape almost completely. My chest and shoulders widened just a bit. Currently at 10 months: I’ve started to notice my muscles forming in a more masculine trait which has honestly been so goddamn incredible. Paired with fat redistribution I just feel like my body is finally mine. My period still hasn’t stop though. They’ve just been gaining bigger and bigger gaps in between and less blood. My endo and I have been taking some measures to try and correct that, but I guess that’s just the way the cookie crumbles sometimes.   I started of tracking my transition constantly and now it’s just become such a part of my life that I tend not to and forget a lot. That I’d ever be at this point or that’d it’d feel so natural is such a privilege in my life.  Pronouns and discussing my trans status with my parents and family has also been so much easier. I think my new appearance makes it more real for them, but also just time and my sister’s awesome allyship. This is not a reason to go on T. You deserve to be recognized and affirmed without it!!! 

New problems: I find myself facing is the feminine habits I faced, in the ways I speak and react when I am feeling anxious or caught of guard. When I am comfortable I am incredibly masculine and it comes very naturally, but it’s just fighting this training of female socialization for so long. I pass 50/50. So, bathrooms are even harder to navigate. I use the men’s room more and more, but mainly if I have to go I hold it until there’s a gender neutral bathroom and avoid liquids when I’m out. The anxiety around my chest has become so taxing. Going to the gym is almost impossible for me without a constant fear people are starting at my chest. It’s something I love so that’s really hard for me. In the end however, the confidence in myself I have and the level of comfort in my body is so much greater and makes everything worth it and more.   Romantic and Sexual Orientation: I for some reason had the internalized acephobia that I would eventually be an allosexual person after enough time on T. The moment I accepted myself as an ace person and recognized I use to feel this way I was free. Coming to terms with my sexuality just brought a weight off my shoulders and allowed myself to truly explore my romantic orientation and come to realize I was aromantic as well. That has allowed me to approach the concept of companionship in a totally different way- something that actually fits my feelings rather than the expectations of others. I did gain a libido though (around month 3). It’s not as big an increase as some people seem to have after T, but that was a monkey wrench for a bit. Reconciling libido and attraction was a very interesting experience, but one I’m glad I’ve had. 

I wouldn’t have traded going on T for anything. It’s incredible to see your body transform in to something new and yet 10x more familiar. I feel so much more deeply connected to myself and other people, but it is not a necessary path and take all the time you need. Questioning is natural and a step you must go through for your own well-being. In reality, I’m still questioning my identity. Gender is fluid and complex so I feel like everyone is. Something I used to do to get through it was to say to myself “Questioning is a move forward. Whatever direction you’re going, you’re moving forward.” I know it’s cheesy, but whatever you gotta do-self care is endlessly important.  Internalizing things is also to natural. Remember that’s not you and these thoughts happen. Masculinity and the trans experience is what you make it and yours to experiment with to your comfort level. 

[carlosvalderama]

Substitution for teasing!

My sister continued her dating. She would also continued to allow me to smell her pussy and ass, eat her pussy and ass, and finger her. It was becoming less frequent however. One day she comes home form school and tells me that she plans on having sex with her boyfriend. I was devastated. She wouldn't allow me to fuck her! She wouldn't even suck me or jerk me. I was really upset. She ask, "why are you so upset? I let you eat me out and I let you put your fingers inside of me." I said, "I know, but I want more. I'm the one who does anything for you! I love you. I want you to be my first." It was clear, I was really into her but she had other ideas. I pleasured her everytime she allowed me. I would kiss her passionately all the time. Well, things changed when I told her how I feel. Although she reacted negatively, I knew deep down, she felt the same about me. As far as I knew, she started to have sex with her boyfriend. As for me I was cut off. I wasn't getting anything from her. This went on for years. When she was 17, my parents let her live in our basement apartment. My older sister moved out. She went to college. My brother moved in with my grandma because he went to a school out of our district. So I basically lived alone with my parents. My sister got knocked up at 17 and had her son when she was eighteen. I was turning 15 when I really came into my own. I had sex with a few girls, but this is not the story that needs to be told. My sister was alone again. Her boyfriend went into the military and she was alone to raise her kid. I would help here and there. Doing what I can. You can see she was lonely and horny. I would hear her masterbate in her room. I'd watch her change. I would sniff her panties. She knew all this was happening. She would tease me also. She would wear shirts with no panties on and walk around the house. She would sit on my lap, she would bend over in front of me, and she would work out in front of me. I wanted her so bad. I found it wierd that she never moved on me. I also didn't move on her. I didn't want to scare her again. I would just jerk of into her dirty panties. Needless to say, I really needed some sex. I would fantasize about her boyfriend fucking her. I would watch them sometimes. I was really turned on hearing him cum and watching him cum all over her. I really loved it when she saw me watch. She would really get wild with him. It was summer and baseball was in full swing. My teammates were close in age from all different back grounds. We played for the park league. After practice, we would hang out in the locker rooms and fuck around before we'd shower. We would grab each other's cocks to see who would get hard first. Then we would tease the loser and call him gay. If we couldn't make anyone hard by doing that, we would dry hump each other for a couple minutes to see if any of us got hard. We were a room full of horny teenage boys with sex on our minds all the time. One day, we all started talking about jerking off and sex. No lie, it was hot as fuck to hear some of those stories. I got rock hard. They started to call me gay and laugh. After a while, most of the guys had left. A few stayed. My close friends stayed. It was 7 of us. We all talked about sex again when we decided to jerk off with each other. I'll never forget the sight of all my guys with their cocks in their hand. The look of their faces, the slapping sound of their balls. The smell in the air. We rubbed and stroked till we all came. It was awesome!!! All l that cum on the floor. We were quiet and awkward. I then said, "let's play who gets hard!" They all agreed. No one got hard. I figured someone would. We were all naked running around with our dicks dripping cum, flopping around. Well, we kicked it up a notch. We started to hump. Now mind you, we all had cum residual on our dicks. My friend, who was black, humped on me. That's when it got real interesting. His dick head slipped into my asshole. I felt it!! He knew it. I turned around and looked at him in shock. He looked worried, as if I was gonna snap. I smiled in shock and he smiled back. "What was that?" I ask. He said, "I think it slipped in!" "Let me see" I said. I crouched down, grabbed his cock, and sniffed his head. Now when I sniffed, I purposely let his dick hit my nose and lips. I sniffed and looked up. His face was in ecstacy as he looked up at the ceiling. I said, "can't smell anything, let me try again." This time, he moaned when I did it. I knew he wanted what I wanted. I slowly slipped his dick into my mouth. I sucked his dick good. I stood up and stroking his dick, I kissed him. That made me immediately hard. I ask him if he wanted to fuck. He said yes. I bent over and prepared myself for his cock to slide in. He pushed in slow and deep. I can feel my asshole stretch. I loved his hands on my waist. I lost it when I felt his balls on mine. It was fucking incredible. He slammed his balls against me, pulling me in hard. Fast and deep he went. I was moaning and loving every inch of his black man meat. He started to say he was gonna cum. I wouldn't let him pull out. He came all up in my ass. I felt him shoot his load. I loved the way my hole felt when he pulled his cock out. I turned around and saw just how hard his dick was. I felt the cum drip down my legs. I crouched down and started to kiss his balls. He pulled me up and started to kiss me. He was jerking me off while he kissed me. I was about to explode when he bent down and started to suck my dick. I blew my wad in his mouth. He kissed my balls and dick, working his way up to my face. He started to kiss me again. All that cum. Spitting and dripping all on our faces. I was so turned on. He told me he was gay. He asked if I was. I said no. I told him I like girls, but I love sex. He laughed and said he was glad I was willing to do it with him. He asked if I would fuck him next time. I said sure. I asked him not to tell anyone. He said he wouldn't. We were both in for a surprise. We were being watched by our friends. We didn't know about them watching, until they used it against us. That's a story to hear. And the thought of telling it, is making my cock hard. This was my first experience with a guy. I was really into it. I can see why guys are gay. It feels good having a cock slide in and out of you. I really liked hearing him moan and knowing it was my ass and my sex appeal that made him that way. I loved feeling his lips against mine. The distinct smell of gay sex as opposed to regular sex. His muscle tone and body shape. His uncut dick and his midnight dark skin. Tight ass and sweet sweat dripping down his chest and running down his back. The way his cum felt in my ass, the way we kissed with cum in our mouths. They way we held each other as we kissed. Rubbing his back, sliding my hands down to his ass. The smell of his cock when I licked his balls. The smell of his balls before we showered. It was intense. I didn't regret it, nor will I ever. He gave me ecstacy like no one before........other than my sister.

[bharatiyamedia-blog]

Author-actor Dhruv Sehgal on his wrestle to carry on to the Little Issues that floor and form his life- Leisure Information, Firstpost

http://tinyurl.com/y24a3tpw The door to Dhruv Sehgal’s humble abode in Seven Bungalows doesn’t result in an area just like the spread-out, swanky dwelling of his character in Little Things. It looks as if a cushty place as per Mumbai requirements, however is way much less boastful than the setting of his Netflix present. What grabs my consideration promptly are a bunch of crops seated comfortably on the ledge of his window, basking within the receding daylight and overlooking extra of their variety within the Nana Nani Backyard from the sixth ground. It’s a rejuvenating view from the window, notably when it’s simply accessible from Dhruv’s desk, which he claims he sits down at from 10 am to six pm every single day so as to self-discipline himself as a author. “I do not thoughts the monotony. I genuinely consider it is advisable to have a routine,” he says. Writers normally take to the desk at fastened hours as a measure to beat author’s block. However Dhruv confesses that the first concern at this stage of his life is a ‘learner’s block’. “On unhealthy days, what normally occurs is I cease getting fascinated by tales. A good friend of mine tells me she met somebody and felt horrible about one thing, and I do not really feel something about it. That scares me. Generally, when a good friend provides me a script to learn and I say, ‘f*ck it, I am going to learn it later’, I find yourself not liking myself. I am simply afraid of dropping that contact, that empathy, not just for actual individuals but additionally fictional ones.” On the brilliant facet, nevertheless, he claims he’s conscious of this block and thus can work in the direction of avoiding it. “My life has undoubtedly taken a flip. I am nonetheless making an attempt to know the route I am strolling in. This worry [of losing the fascination to learn] stems from dwelling a life the place you are not in whole management of what is taking place to you. Possibly in a 12 months from now, I am going to have a greater grip on issues. When individuals name me for conferences, I genuinely do not know the right way to method that. I do not know if I must be telling them my tales and ideas. So I am at all times strolling within the gray. This perpetual confusion distances me from actuality. And that basically scares me. I do get up anxious on quite a lot of days with ideas like these.” Dhruv Sehgal in season 1 of Little Issues. YouTube screengrab As Dhruv tries to place phrases to his ideas, one can really feel a way of nervous pleasure in his voice. Seated in addition to me on a settee, he stares on the wall in entrance of us, moderately than wanting into my eyes whereas speaking. It looks as if he isn’t new to considering out loud. As he bares his soul, he appears thrilled to share his story, even when it’s not by the prism of Dhruv and Kavya, the lead characters of Little Issues. “I am 50 % Dhruv and 50 % Kavya. I utterly relate to her need to be formidable within the second season. However the different individual’s resolution to reside his life at his personal tempo is the opposite a part of who I’m. However they are going to grow to be their very own individuals, take a lifetime of their very own, in season 3, if there ever is one,” he says, including that he’s each true to and protecting of his character, additionally his namesake. “Our largest similarity is that we’re each making an attempt to be as trustworthy to ourselves and the individual in entrance of us. That is the most important similarity, and likewise the best problem. The distinction is that I really feel he is much less conflicted than I’m, just because he exists just for 30 minutes. If his life was past 30 minutes, even he could be fascinated about issues that do not let him sleep at evening — you gotta work, you gotta be glad about this. He is fairly fortunate that he exists just for 30 minutes! (laughs) In any other case he would additionally should learn The Caravan and find out about politics. I’ve protected him from all these conflicts.” He factors to the copy of The Caravan positioned on a desk in entrance of the door. When he turns in the direction of this route, it appears like he lastly registers my presence. This, in flip, makes me realise that there isn’t a invisible digital camera that he’s wanting into on the wall, telling thousands and thousands of individuals what he feels, a la Trendy Household. In that second, he realises that it’s merely a dialog, and the stakes are solely as excessive as he needs them to be. I take a look at the crops once more, which look as inexperienced within the orange hues as they did within the yellower ones. These ‘little issues’ that populate Dhruv’s area — and his life — he believes, have an enormous bearing on him as a person. He believes there’s a symbiotic relationship between the little issues and the larger image. “I can solely take a look at myself for example. I’ve began cooking quite a bit now. A 12 months or two years in the past, I’d simply be at dwelling. I would not socialise a lot. Now that I’ve began cooking, issues have modified. It takes a f*cking hour to prepare dinner one thing and exactly three minutes to eat it. So I invite individuals dwelling and share it with them. Cooking is like writing: It is probably not full until you get a response or suggestions. I’ve additionally began speaking to my mother and father extra as a result of I miss ghar ka khana. And every time a good friend visits some place, I ask them to get one thing particular to eat from there. This fascination with meals and cooking has modified quite a lot of issues in me steadily.” Dhruv took to cooking out of sheer helplessness. He developed a style for Kerala’s delicacies when he visited the state just a few years in the past. Thus began the search to recreate the identical style by cooking, since a Mumbai restaurant may come nowhere shut. “I began having fun with it merely due to the chemistry angle to it. Everytime you add one thing to it, the color or the odor adjustments. Just a few days in the past, I went out for lunch with just a few Instagram bloggers. The entire time, we stored speaking about pets. I really feel like every time you’ve good meals, it results in good conversations. Meals is not only about style and dietary worth. It is usually in regards to the tales that include it. The ilaichi that I received from Kerala is so completely different from the one I get downstairs. The best way a Mangalorean good friend will make her ghar ka khana is so completely different from the meals at a Mangalorean restaurant. So meals is quite a bit about what it makes you miss, what it makes you suppose, what it makes you are feeling. I consider it as an excellent cinematic instrument. It will probably take transport you to another place with only a whiff. I really feel like my present can also be one thing I need individuals to get pleasure from, like they get pleasure from meals.” As he admits fairly often in our dialog, good meals typically transports him to his hometown Delhi, although the definition of ‘dwelling’ has modified for him over time. “Each time I am going to Delhi, there is a bizarre worry inside me, which is how the f*ck will this one survive for the subsequent 10 years? However going to Kerala provides me peace. I want going there as a result of it provides me hope. Simply asking a random shopkeeper the place he will get his cardamom from provides me a lot peace. It’s a lot much less violent than Delhi, the place I see individuals overfeeding on meals, overfeeding on TV exhibits. I really feel f*ck scared whereas strolling on a avenue at 9 pm in Delhi. I can not even think about what a lady would really feel like. While you’re always battling that worry, it limits your thought course of.” Dhruv feels visits to Brussels, the European metropolis the place his mother and father at the moment reside, have helped him broaden his horizons. “I am at that stage of my life after I really feel like you need to go to a spot the place you are feeling glad. Go to a spot the place you are feeling extra related to your self. I really feel very glad in Europe as a result of I can go for lengthy walks. There is a very quiet celebration of life there. Having stated that, I am conscious that coming from India, it is a spot of very excessive privilege. However for the temporary time I am there, I really feel so glad that I can go to museums, galleries and exhibitions. I wish to go to supermarkets and take a look at the number of sushi and chips on show. It is also good to expertise that man! It is good to expertise a special type of coke that makes you cheerful.” Dhruv began his profession because the creator of brief video content material on Pocket Aces and FilterCopy years in the past. His present Little Issues, which premiered on Cube Media, was picked up by Netflix for its season 2. The present, which embraced ambition as part of on a regular basis actuality versus limiting itself to the ‘little issues’ of life, Dhruv has additionally always tried to strike a stability between ambition and humility. His ambition with Little Issues, nevertheless, is for its characters to grow to be much more actual and relatable. “In season 2, I simply let my characters be unhealthy. I allow them to say issues that I’ll not agree with. It occurs with each couple. After the honeymoon interval is over, the world comes between us and we method it in several methods. Little Issues doesn’t suggest that it is a halka-phulka present. Thematically, it simply represents the nuances of life. Season Three might not be cute in any respect, nevertheless it’ll nonetheless speak in regards to the ‘little issues’ of life.” Little issues apart, does he not really feel like channeling his internal Ganesh Gaitonde and aspire to make a big-budget Netflix Authentic like Sacred Games? “I would like to make one thing like that. I actually wish to make a thriller,” he says. “However even that will probably be very actual, about actual individuals, and as near actuality,” he provides after a pause, going again to considering out loud. With that readability intact, the “learner’s block” may be a bit factor he must come across, and transfer on. Up to date Date: Might 30, 2019 20:01:35 IST Your information to the most recent election information, evaluation, commentary, reside updates and schedule for Lok Sabha Elections 2019 on firstpost.com/elections. 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[brokencompassbrokenperson-blog]

Negative environments, and the adverse consequences

Have you ever been in a situation, where you felt so undert threat, that outof no where you have a feeling that doesn't come around often? That feeling that your safety is in so much peril, your brain distinctively goes into a mode where there are two options. Fight or flight? You fight the threat to defend your well being, until your brain perceives that threat is no longer, and you calm down. Or flight, as you could accurately assume, you run away from the perceieved threat. The different between these two, doesn't question your "man hood." Just because you run, doesn't mean your weak or anything less. It's just simply the way you feel is the bestway to resolve your current safety concern. And the categories or how you react (fight or flight) isn't neecasaily definintive, in the fact of if you choose one of the options, fight or flight, that isn't how you're going to react everytime,you ina situation, where you question you safety and wellbeing. Sometimes, you may choose to fight, othere times you may choose to flight.

Moreoften than not, you don't really have a say in how you react, You just react. Sometime your reaction maybe "socially acceptable," other times your reaction is not. Theres a reason for this, its how the human brain is structured and how the mechanism works, and how sometimes you may overreact. Many times, the reason one over reacts is based simply on hyperarousal in our brain. This hyperarosual can cause hostility and or anger towards loved ones, you can't control it.

One factor is stress. Stress is quite influencial, when you look at our human brian. So, we basically have two major parts of our brain that contribute to our actions, and behaviours. One part of our brain however, is more prone to be affected by stress. Stress is something we don't really think about, it just happens. We have no say in it, stress is just a reaction to the envirmoent around us.

So the two major parts of the brains we have are called Cerebral Cotex and subcortialcal brain.

The Cerebral cortex, is the more "thought oreinted" part of the brain. Its where the majoirty of decisions are made. (well thoughtful decisions.) This basically the is where our individuality is housed. This part of the brain is where we decide what we like. Perhaps what music you prefer, what kind of people your attracted too, what you want to eat etc. All of our sensory information is taken and processed in this part of the brain, we need this part of the brain to take action. Infact the largest part of our brain, is infcat the cortex. and ebcause of the size of our cortex, it us allows to be on the "top of the food chain." There are animals that are bigger and stronger than us humans, so how does it make sense, that we remain at the top of the foodchain? Simple. We have the largest brain, we have the largest cortex.

But we, are animals aswell. We do everything animals do. Some of us have a little bit of slothe in us, so we like to sleep. Some of us have alpecca moments, and run around in circles in parking lot, watching law enforcementtrying to catch us. You get the point, we eat, make babies, hunt etc. And because of that animal part of our brain causes us to act like animals, to survive. Some of these reaponses trigger bhavious that we're ot too keen of.

So the primitive animal does a lot, without us knowing and without seeking approval from the Cerebral cortex. Basically, the primitive brain, isa badass, and likes to do what it wants. And usually just reacts to the envirmoent. For example, if we went on a bike ride, and I said to you, "don't sweat at all" Would you be able to do that? Of course not. Thats the Primitive brain.

Its a very interesting thing when you think about it. The primitive brain from day one, controls your heart, blood pressure, weather you sweat or not. And another good example would be... If you wanted to stop your heart for small intervals, to lower your blood pressure, you couldn't do it. This how powerfur the primitive brain is. And you know, as I've noted in my examples, youclearly see the strength of the primitive brain, when it comes to "standing up" to the Cortex. So those are things the primitive brain benefits. But like everytihing in life, theres a flip side. A side that isn't always good.

But in an everyday context I want you to present you with another example, of how it works in a "everyday" type of sitution. Imagine you with your pals, doing whatever your and your pals do. But for the sake of this, I want to throw in a certain location. Say your at a park. Being a man myself, and knowing men, I only know a mans view of things. But whatevr.

So your in a park, and withyour married pals, and a gorgeous girl walks by, wearing little to no clothing. Whats going bound to happen? The boys are going to look. Why? Not because there out looking for ladies, but we will we react instinctivelt to the Sexual attraction, thanks to the primitove brain. But by time your cortex has time to process what your seeing, you may look away...And say "hey, what am I looking for? I have gorgeous wife at home" and you look away, and reengage with the topic or thing you were doing, prior to seeing that unknown female strust besilde you. Due to the primitive animal brain, a sexual intict is a major part of our behavious, and how we act on a day to day bais. Sexual attration is a animal instict.

Now a more powerful primitive instict we have is surivvial. As mentione above, in practically every situationyou have two options...Fight or flight. And that in itself is a VERY VERY powerful instict we posess. So far we've determind that the primitive brain does alot of good. With respect to things we barely notice on a day to day basic. (eating exual attraction breathing etc.)

The cortex is the thought orinted part of our brian that mkes deicions, and ensures out well being, while taking in all sensory information and prosession all out our mememories.

Now with that said, the primtitve brain can have negative affects. It can be shaped and changed. Based on your enviroment, the physiology of the brain can change.

I don't want to get into specifics about me, so I will elaboarate based on a hypothetical situation. The Canadian Forces, who have usually be regarded as non agressive nation, with respect to starting wars. Sometimes are forced to go into them. After 9/11, being a member nation of NATO, which was enacted on August 24, 1949. The United States became the first and only member nation to invoke article 5 of the NATO treaty. Wherein it commits, that each member state to consider an armed attack against one member state, in Europe or North America, to be an armed attack against them all.

After 9/11 the Canadian Forces, were called in battle, a battle that we now understand to be quite questionable, and not worth the harm...in my perspective, on our troops.

Despite the events that occured, our troops were called into battle in a hot zone. In left withwounds that left some of our men and woman in uniform dead, or invisibly wounded. Personally the latter, is worse in alot of case. So when your in so much danger day in and day out, it will affect your physiloigy... Which it did, and many at the time wouldn't have noticed the affects until they got home.

In a military "hot zone," what is there to be expected? Well considering most troops write goodbye letters to there loves ones, it doesn't take a genius to understand the risk. the risk is possible death. They go over seas knowing that the enemy is going to have one objective. Kill them. Shoot them.Blow them up. Mangle them, or do any atorcious acts possble. And the affects you, weather you want it to or not.

Its impossible to prepare for such hositility. So there fight or flight bcause hyper aroused, and the prmiitive brain(animal brian) and accelarated... BIG TIME. Where usually your fight or flight response may happen for 5 minutes here, and 5 minutes there. It all of a sudden is active 24/7. I'm not entirely sure on the length of our deployments(shifts that last monthes) for our military personal. But the whole time they're there, there hyperaroused 24/7.

But being in combat, the hyper arousal is good. it saves alot of people. An instant reaction to the quickly changing, can save your life and/or your crews life. If you hear a grenade whats the best thing that could happen? You autmoatically, wihtout thought hit the ground to avoid shrapenal, and possibly the bullets that will be wizzing by your head, in the seconds after the intial grenade exploding.

All of a sudden, mothes later, your stilll alive. Depending on what solider you ask, they may claim that them being alive is a bad thing, some where see the light, and see there life as a good thing. You don't noitce the wounds until your back home. Home, in our country... we're pretty safe. We don't have to worry about hitting the ground if a explosion happens. The worse thing we have to deal with, is have a rouge timbit flying through the air at our heads.

So when they return, there cortex recongizes, there boarding a plane, and it reecongizes being home. The cortext understands "were safe." But again, the cortex is the thoughtful part of our brian. The cortex to back seat while the person was in harms way overseas, when being shot at. Thankfull, the cortex let the premitive brain, take decicsive action, that quite possibly saved the cortex brains life. Again, that is a good things.

But the premitive brain, who doesn't give a shit about any sensory information, is still hyperaroused. The primitive animal brain or the scientifically called "subcortical brain", or more specifially the amygdala structure of the brain is still hyperactive. Remember, that triggers fight or flight. Without consulting the cortex.

As we now know, its wonderful thing when your combat. I want you to imagine something. Imagine you in the woods, all alone. All of a sudden, this furosios majestic lion looking creature is walking towards you. I say "looking like" because chances are, you've never seen a lion in your life and you don't know what they look like. Back on point, you immediate response is going to be... "how the hell do I get out of this situation?" Do you fight the lion? or Do you run from the lion? Personally, I'd stab my friend in the leg, and take off running, it would up my chance of survial. I'm kidding. But the fight or flight response is beautiful in this case. This is potentially life thretening, a lion would whoop your ass.

So imagine the fear you have at the time. It could arguably be good, and could save your life. But I want you to take the fear you have... and take the lion away from the scenerio. Imagine you that fearful 24/7. It woudn't be easy.

Now, our troops have learned to react to explosin by hitting the ground, without thought. That instict has saved there life. Now imagine the troop going to a nickle back concert or something. And all off a sudden, a firework work goes off...*boom* He's on the ground in miliseconds. Without thinking, he has thrown himself out of fear, and animal instict on the ground to save his life. Two seconds later, the cortex catches up. And is like "bruh why you on the ground? Were in Canada, were safe" He didn't even hear the explosion and say "hey maybe I should get down, take cover" He reacted without thought.

So theres another important part the structure of the brain and how its all tied together and how it deals with sensory information. We can see, hear, touch, smell and taste. This infomration is sensed in our respective organs, and it sent to the brain. But smelling stuff, is kind of wired differently, because it goes directly to the cortex. Because of where its situated...But everything else has to go to a "switchboard" type of thing, called a thalmus. And the thalmus just sends information to the two parts of the brain, the Primitive subcortical animal brian, and the cerbral cortex, the thought oriented portion of the brain.

In the case of the concert, where the firework goes off, The explosions gets to the cerebral cortex, where the infomration is first processed. And you think is the bomb? Within seconds later, the cortex says "no its not a bomb we're back in Canada you fool." At the same time, the primitive brain lights up, and goes back to defcon five and reacts like would over seas and immediately reacts "this must be a terroist bomb." But within seconds the cortex catches up and says "chill, we good."

So why did that happen? Why did he hit the ground so quickly? Its simple, as I noted above, the primitive subcortical brain doesn't understand geography and stuff like that. All it knows is im hyperactive, to stay alive. And The primitive brain is very hyperactive to certain things or "triggers". Personally, my triggers vary to my expierences. I have many, but just for example...I had someone yell at me on the phone not too long ago. And to be compltely honest it was two monthes ago, and I still have nightmares of that person everynight. And the reason that is, is we draw many connections with things. So, in the case of the solider when he hears an explosion, he doesn't just hear "bang." He hears death, blood, body parts, heavy gunfire upon him. As you could imagine. it is not an easy thing to deal with. Especially, when you have no control over it. The Subcortical brain does what it wants.

Another important thing about the primitive animal brain Is the geography... One, as I mentioned above it doesn't understand geography in the sensory sense. But something that also is different is, the primitive animal brain is faster the cerebral cortex. Its literally wired to respond faster than the cerebral cortex, the smart brain. So in the case of the solider at the concert, before the solider can even think, and pondr if thats a fire work or not. The Animal brain has already reacted. And which is good in a hot zone. But by time your on the ground, the cortex, is going to feeling stupid, because, your on the ground, but your the only one and everyone else is having a great time. So that is a prime example of how a hyperactive braincan affect someone without, that person having a say. Because it was a non-thinking response.

Non-thinking response ar triggered by the primital animal brain which is wired to respond faster. When you think about it from a safety perspective, in a safe or survivial perspective, the faster we react heighten the greater of the out come. So, humans have not been around for as long as animals have. Humans have been around for hundreds of thousands of years. But Animals have been around for hundreds of million years. But fo over 300 million years animals have had the fight or flight response. Animals have learned The faster they react the more likely they are to survive. And we continue to carry that... We, have perfected the fight or flight response, weather we like it or not.

The animal brain is fast not smaty... it’s fast. The quicker you respond to dangerous threatening situations the more likely you’re to survive. And so, A child that grows up in an abused environment you could take them out of that home or school and put them somewhere else, but if he or she has experienced significant abuse in that home or school, that abuse has impacted their arousal system, their primitive animal brain, no matter how much in their cortical brain they may want to overcome that they are still reacting to situations programmed in that primitive animal brain which you can’t change by thinking, any more than you can change your speed of your heart or your blood pressure, eat and hold your food your belly for four hours before you digest it. It is fight...A fight to continue, despite the change of envirioment, nothing really ever changes. Sometimes you may find yourself in a "catch 22." Yes, you could leave your bedroom, but you risk having a flashbacks, or having your fight or flight take over. Or the other side of the coin, is you could stay in you room, and feel safer, because you know what triggers you'll face that day.

I wanna mention a little bit about irritability. So there was a girlfriend and man at home. And the girl asked her boyfriend “yo, can you take out the trash for me?” and he's like “Sure no problem. I’ll take out the garbage. I mean youv've housed our kids.” So the guy got up, took out the garbage and without the girl noticing, he came back in the house and sat down.

Now meanwhile the girlfriends walked into another room where the two kids were. And the two kids had spilled juice all over the brand new carpet. She was pissed she’s got this new carpetw with a huge stain, she’s pissed. Yelling to no one in particular..."Why these kids spilled juice here", "why did we re-do the carpet" so with this nasty stain on the floor, she angry. But she’s not mad at her boyfriend... but she comes back to where she and her boyfriend were sitting moments prior with angry look on her face.... Now, perhaps her boyfrined is tired or stressed with work stuff on or whatever. He's not particularly in a great mood. She comes back to him now and she got an angry look on her face and she goes, did you take out that trash like I asked you?(with audible annoyance in her voice) He starts cursing at her and yelling at her. so what happened? How did she approach her boyrfirned? Annoyed? angry? Hosile?

What’s the fastest part of the brain that responds to sensory information coming in as an angry face and angry tone of voice? The fastest part of the brain that respond is what the primitive animal brain, in order for that man to recognize hey that my little boo boo bear talking about the garbage, he needs his memory and his cortex to recognize his girlfriend and to recognize thewords "did you take out the garbage?" When he responded he didn’t respond to his girlfirned, he responded to the aggressve percieved threatenging tone of voice and the hostile face that she presented. Now of course when he yells at his gal, she yelled like that back now all of a sudden And now they’re in a big argument over nonsense. Their intelligent cerebral cortex brain made a decision hey I love this girl. Let’s get married and live happily ever after. Let’s have a wonderful life together. You’re awesome. and they say all the other cheesy shit happy couples say to one another. But in the heat of the oment, the intelegence of the cerebral cortex was gone. And the subcortical brain was reacting, causing them to get into a situation that is not only stupid, but an argument, that you would have never had, should your cerebral cortex brain be the one in charge. So what I'm getting to when the brain is hyperarousd, or if its stressed out, you can say things or react in ways that make no sense. The hbyperarousal, of personal sitation, is something I will never speak of, because its one of the most consistant battles I continue to fight. The ever so present fight or flight in my life, interferes with other parts of my life. keeping me up, usually takes over my memory, because I'm thinking of all stress, and situations unknowingly. Its very hard. And I'm not talking about my conscious brain. Where I'm thinking about things, and plotting life out and my goals, using my thought oriented brain. I'm talkling about the hyper arousal brain, thats been stimulated by stuff that, most people will have no clue of. To be honest its hard to manage sometimes, because of the stress hormones that are seemingly always being released, it justactivates parts of the brain and memeory because very difficult for me, Concentration and attention is also a constant problem. The problems are not because I have a shit memory, or it could be debated I'm a shit person...But I think its more of problem that my attention is always being diverted to stresss and other factors I continue to battle.

So for anyone, ive ever offended, or let our relationship die. I apologize.