#except almost no one gets it...its my burden in this life to try to make people understand

[textualviolence]

okokokok you know what. the lesbian label fits me best specifically because i hate romance & falling in love i think all that shit's stupid. The only thing thats worth it in life is having a tension filled two-little-girls-on-the-playground-pretending-to-be-horses level intensity friendship where basically no words or outside concepts exist beside the deep fascination and kinship you have with another human being & its a friendship to the outside world but on the inside its an unspeakable understanding of self & other with no limits or boundaries as to the aspects that are concealed and revealed and the kind of intimacy that is possible & the only rule is having fun and keeping up the synchronicity thats vibrating between your two spirits. Sorry if that makes me sound like a cringe hippe but genuinely people who are like i wanna fall in looooove im like your desires are lame & small and i pity you. Romance-love is inferior to playground bff friendship-love in every way but we live in a society that does everything to hide this fact from people....why.....

[koiiiiijiii]

windbreaker characters & their possible love trope (part 1)

warnings : no in general, maybe a ooc, but its my point of view, fluff

recommend : to turn on Lana Del Ray - West Coast

୭🧷✧˚. ᵎᵎ 🎀

Dom - arranged marrige. we take into account the fact that Dom is the heir of the yakuza. His father had long dreamed of the idea of uniting the two clans to expand the business, strengthen the position, and in general he was very close with the head of another clan, you know the type of male friendship when they brag about who has the coolest car and everything like that. (for about the same reason, you and Dom have an age difference of a couple of months) In general, when you were born, your fathers did not immediately decide that this would be a planned marriage, they still wanted freedom of choice for their children, but the two old men were too fascinated when you and Dom played together in the sandbox, or you two shared toys, and overall you got along great as babies. But as the years passed, interests changed, and from about 2-3 grades you began to have a "crisis in relationships", Dom were more interested in the "boyish" things, you in turn discovered the Internet and the charms of fictional characters (real footage of all of us). Therefore, your communication has gone from about infantile sympathy to childish antipathy when boys say "eeew girls, im not interested in them" and to the complete cessation of communication over the years. Well, your fathers also almost lost hope, trying to try on two fifth graders at holiday feasts, but everything ended up making faces at each other, and Dom’s first showed middle finger and yours first obscene phrases in response to him (later you both received a cradle from your parents) but the decision had already been made, and so everyone decided to just wait.

In fact, everything happened spontaneously. As it happens, girls grow faster, and there were no exceptions with you. So since you saw each other less often, Dom did not immediately recognize you, and of course refused to admit to himself that he liked you, and he decided to shove this sympathy away. A couple more years have passed, and you again super accidentally (no) met at one of your parents' clubs. This time it was your turn not to recognize Dom. And when you realized in the morning whose house you were in, you were shocked. So it tooks you two another 1-2 years to actually accept that planned things needed to be done and the idea of marriage in the first place wasn’t that bad.

Owen - forbidden love/ rivals/ competitors. While you honestly believed that your boiling hate for each other was mutual, Owen found it quite cute and intriguing how each time you trying to compete with him and how mad you get if you lose or if he jokingly flirts with you. Of course, he found you quite an interesting opponent, but you attracted him more as a girl, although it was still difficult because of your rival teams, and as Camila once told him when she noticed how he was staring at you at another training session, where he came intentionally before the rest of the Light Cavalry participants, "This won't be good for the image of our team." Usually you see him in training center, when your team finishes training, or when you wait for Light Cavalry to finish, or on the competitions and it always ends with your threatenings to his life or his bike. Of course you didn’t mean it so serious, it was kinda like tradition - he always so nice and jokes around while you all loud and screaming at him for his flirting lines.

Usually, you two never see each other somewhere in the city or on the streets, apparently you lived in different areas and everyday affairs were too different from each other, but somehow, now, almost at 11 pm, you look at each other in surprise, standing in the park, where both of you came to practice and free your heads from burdened thoughts. Owen wanted to break the awkward silence by greeting you, but you beat him to it by sternly asking “What are you doing here?” He smiled softly and running his hand through his hair, as he replied “I came here just to clear my head before sleep, shortcake. I hadn’t any intentions to interrupt you.” And looking up at you again, he smiled so sweetly, in his usual manner. You clicked irritably and went to meet him, “Then, since you're already here, let's have a race, and the loser is looking for another park, deal?” Again, she frowned so sweetly at her eyebrows, just the very seriousness - Owen thought to himself looking down at you from his height. Like all the smartest, the idea was certainly not bad, you even thought at the moment that you were about to win, because the agreed finish was already around the corner, when suddenly Owen jumped out from behind you and did a risky trick that allowed him to get ahead. But unfortunately, either out of surprise or confusion, you lost control and collapsed almost at the finish line. Your speed was decent, and your knees, shoulders and arms had a hard time now, all bleeding. Slowly rising from the ground, you felt such resentment and at the same time anger, either at yourself or at Owen. And all such a seething feeling of resentment, because of such a small mistake, to lose at the very finish, overwhelmed you with your head, and flowed out with tears from your eyes. You sat down by your fallen bike, hugged your bleeding knees and buried your forehead in them letting yourself cry. Suddenly you felt someone stroking your head and sitting down next to you, putting his hands on your shoulders. Looking up, as you expected, you saw Owen, and shrugged your shoulders and squeal at him “Get the fuck away from me! I don’t need your pity and help!” “Hey, hey, easy shortcake, im not a monster to let girl, who is also injured, be alone in park at night.” He tried to take you by the shoulders again. “I said get away!” You clearly didn’t planned to stop crying, and Owen understood that you’ll have a tantrum in a moment, so he decided to ignore your screams and pulled you closer, already hugging you completely. Of course, you didn't appreciate this gesture, you started pounding him in the chest with your fists, shouting for him to let go, for you to try again, that this time you would definitely defeat him and in general how much you dislike him. And Owen just held you tight, and let your screams and crying be drowned out in his sweater. After a couple of minutes, you were just crying into his chest while he pulled you closer, sat you down between his legs and just gently stroked your back.

When you finally calmed down and raised your tear-stained, red eyes to him, Owen gently put his hand on your cheek and quietly asked, “Well, have you calmed down? Will you let me help you now, shortcake?” taking a confused look away from him and blushing, you said, “If anyone finds out about this, you're finished, got it?” Owen laughed loudly and pulled you closer to him, and dropping his free hand on your cheek, gently kissed you.

Harry - hate/love or sunny/grumpy. Even ignoring the fact that you’ve been in the same team, he somehow never liked you. Honestly, he didnt even know the reason. You had such a bright personality, always nice to people around and guys in team,but still defended your interests and borders when it was necessary. Harry just couldn’t stand you. In his eyes you were quite ideal, he even accepted that you were kinda powerful at cycling. But most blood boiling fact about you were that Harry knew perfectly - he had a thing for you, but he decided for himself to hide it under mask of indifference and disinterest, because come on, feelings make you weak (such a men moment)

But the other thing about you that Harry absolutely couldn’t stand - is your tears. He saw it only twice, once when it was your first year with the Light Cavalry, the team came to wish you a happy birthday right at 12 a.m., and you burst into tears from the joy and sweetness of this act of attention. And the other time was when Harry himself brought you to tears, because you chewed his brains all day. He think that sometimes you have a bad habit activated, walking around and teasing him all day, offering to compete in something, and just dripping on his brain, because you probably have a pleasure to bring him to a white heat. And when he couldn't stand it one more time, he turned sharply at you and barked - "Are you a complete idiot? I think I told you to fuck off from me, leave me alone and go fuck someone else's brains out. How many times can I tell you, I don't intend to compete with someone like you," - and Harry took care to squeeze the word "like" like poison into your mind. And fortunately for him, as he convinced himself, you stopped bothering him after that time and resorted to communicating with him only in the most necessary cases. So for the first few days he liked how you avoided him, but after a week and a half of your absence from his daily life, he began to feel sad and guilty for being harsh with you... But wasn’t it your own fault!? That's right, it was your fault. But didn't he like your attention? Wasn't he warmed by the rays of your warmth?.. Damn, all these thoughts were difficult for Harry, and he did it easier - he left training earlier, stopped by the store on the way, bought a random gift that reminded him of you, went to your house and waited for you at the entrance to the house. To say less, you were shocked when you saw him near the building were you live, but decided to act all cool and just to pass by. He didn’t let you. Harry grabbed your elbow, but you tried to pull away, he turned you around to face him and grabbed your other elbow. “Let me go, you creep!!” You could feel how tears forming in your eyes. You didn’t understand why he even came here, he supposed to be in other place, he supposed to hate you, he supposed… “For the fuck sake just shut up and take it.” He handed you a gift. You were confused and looked up at him with an obvious question “why?” in your pretty eyes. Harry clicked tongue, left your elbows and started to walk away. When you softly mumbled “Thank you” he turned around and quickly closing the distance, he awkwardly hugged you. For the first few seconds you freaked out, but gave up and hugged him back and mumbled "You idiot" in his hoodie. Harry chuckled at your comment and squeezed your back harder "At least im not a crybaby as someone". He got a reminder that you can kick his knees pretty hard.

Hwangyeon - school crush. You were quite popular girl from his class - moderately smart, kind, but not enough to take advantage of your kindness, beautiful and friendly person in general. The fact that Hwang tried to get your attention by his money flex, “cool” - as he thought - actions towards other people in school, where so obvious, as the fact that he liked you. But you weren’t impressed by his shitty personality and usually you treated him coldly or mocked him about he is trying to assert himself at the expense of others. Was he mad at you for that? No, of course, he melted like butter in a hot frying pan from every second of your attention, and bragging to his boys that you two had “conversation”.

Actually his friends, everyone around and mainly Sangho were tired of Hwang’s whinings at home and he told him what to do. So here he is, standing in doors of your class begging you to help him with his english class. Since he asked you nicely and promised not to mock students as long as you help him, you agreed to tutor him for some topics that he couldn’t understand. So with time you two became a little bit closer and you even been in his place and know Hwang’s siblings. (both of them thought that he is paying you to be his friend*) In the midst of one of these preparations Hwangyeon was whining about how he didn’t understand anything and probably won’t pass this exam. You hated the fact that he was giving up fast and easy, but luckily you knew how to motivate this guy. In a second, you grabbed his cheeks with both hands, turned his head towards you and said “Listen, we’ve been preparing for this for so long and you gonna drop everything because of small misunderstanding? I already wanted to take you out for ice cream if you wrote this test better than the guy who sits behind me at school, but since you've already given up, well, I guess i’ll have to go with him instead.” you said slowly letting his cheeks go. Hwang took your hand, to let it stay on his cheek and rise his eyes up on you and with dead serious eyes muttered “If my score will be higher than 75%, we will go for that ice cream.” You smiled at him and said that it is deal.

Spoiler : his score was 68% his friends and you laughed at him for his bragging before exam, but you still took him to that ice cream shop and kissed his cheek for a good bye.

*bonus

its been quite long preparation session for english final exam before summer weekends, so you decided to continue at Hwang’s place. it wasn’t your first time visiting his place, maybe third or fourth, so his siblings already knew you, when you enter the house. you greeted everyone, warned them that you would be preparing for the exam and went to Hwang’s room. after few hours of studying you were tired of punching and shouting at your friend so you left the room for glass of juice and in the dim light of the kitchen you met Sangho with his laptop and glass of something probably alcoholic. you stare at each other for a second and you awkwardly announced that you came for pack of juice that two of you left in fridge. Sangho mumbled something softly and turned back to his laptop, when you were about to leave the room he raised his eyes from laptop again and asked in serious voice “did he pay you?”

you froze in place you were standing and on stiff legs, turning to him. “mhmm?”

“did my brother pay you to pretend to be his friend or whatever you two are?”

“n-no? he just asked me for help, t-that’s why im here!” he grunted something like okay and went back to his laptop. when door after you closed, Aria got out from behind the sofa and held out her hand to her brother. Sangho, in turn, pulled a banknote out of his pocket and gave it to his sister without a word.

[josiewinters1999]

Normal (p2)

L Lawliet x Chubby!Reader

Part 1

Summary: L longs for a sense of normalcy in his current depression. The burdens of the case begin to weigh him down. His heart longs for something or someone far away... If only she were with him now...

Words: ~4k

Contains: Established relationships, angst, depressed L, mentions of low self esteem, mentions of marriage, hurt/comfort, takes place before yotsuba arc

A/N: Thank you everyone to read and enjoyed part 1!! I apologize for the wait on part 2, I thought I would have it done long before now but life gets in the way lol. I really enjoyed writing this and I hope I captured L's character well. I just feel sad sometimes bc the poor guy just wants friends and stuff like everyone else :/ so this is my way of giving him something special ToT hope you guys enjoy!!!

***

Watari could barely stand it anymore. Watching L stagnate like this was killing him, and not to mention, severely hindering the progress of the investigation. The past few days, he barely ate, only picked at his cakes and cookies. He requested cannolis once, and Watari immediately knew what was wrong… he missed her. 

The night he watched through the security cameras as L called her, his suspicion was only confirmed. His left hand never left his pocket, the pocket that always carried her photo. The longing in his voice was soft yet deep, and the bags under his eyes were just that much darker. 

The great detective’s mood seemed to sour even greater every time he watched Misa interact with Light. Every flirtatious comment, every touch, every hug, had L shrinking into his chair just a bit more. Watari was afraid he’d break his spine the way he curled so tightly into his knees. 

Even Light was beginning to make comments about L’s slight shift in behavior. He would try to include L on findings in the case, and even tried to offer to take him out for a tennis match. L would have none of it, it seemed nothing would lift his spirits… nothing except one thing. 

L would be furious if Watari did what he was tempted to do, beyond furious actually. It was an incredibly reckless and risky thing to do given the nature of this case. However, the case was suffering, Kira was no closer to being caught, and its lead investigator had a case of a broken heart. Watari was quickly running out of time and options. What else was he supposed to do? 

With a heavy sigh, Watari picks up the nearest phone and dials a New York cannoli shop. 

***

Flipping through the same stack of papers that have been on his desk for the past three days, L scans the words over and over again, as if the reports would change in real time. He could feel his mind wandering, see the words blurring, and hear the noise in the background fade and distort. HIs was losing his edge, and with it he felt, his sanity. 

“What do you think of this report, Ryuzaki?” Light politely asks, handing him a document from a stack he’s already read ten times over. Gently taking it in hand, L reads of an incident of Kira enacting his justice on a convicted mobster, guilty of killing business owners who refused to pay his protection fee. Just like how we met. 

L hums, trying once again to put on the facade that nothing was wrong with him, that his heart was still even in this case at all. “I’m not quite sure, Light,” he answers, “While this type of criminal most definitely meets Kira’s typical profile for a ‘deserved killing’… it almost seems too much like Kira. I think that…” he pauses for a moment, “oh nevermind. I believe that made much more sense inside my head.” He hunches over the drink on his desk before whispering under his breath, “I just keep saying ridiculous things…”

He sighs, taking another sip of his barely sweetened coffee. L didn’t even have the energy or will to turn his drinks into pure sugar water anymore. Everything sweet reminded him of her. After all, her lips tasted just like fresh, tangy, sweet, rasp-

“Ryuzaki?” Watari’s voice pulls him from his stupor only for a moment, that voice being his only comfort in these hard times. Not daring to look up from the swirling, murky, coffee in his cup, he only hums, “Yes, what is it Watari?” The sound of his cart rolling across the floor becomes louder and louder as it approaches L’s desk, yet Watari’s voice stays exactly where it is, “I have something rather special here for you today.” 

When the cart stops, a delicate, feminine, hand places a small plate in front of the detective. A perfectly fresh, puffy, and practically overstuffed cannoli sits right in L’s line of sight. The bright pink cream falls in puddles on the plate, beckoning him to have a taste. 

With certain caution, L takes a hesitant finger into the cream, bringing it to his lips. “Raspberry…” he mumbles around his index finger. Pulling his hand slowly from his mouth, he carefully turns his head to the side, finding a set of wide, soft, hips standing next to him. He follows the figure with his eyes, tracing every familiar curve with a disbelieving look. 

Finally reaching the face of the not-so-mystery woman, L’s jaw practically falls to the floor. The woman only chuckles, like a sweet song, and gives an equally sweet wave, “Hi, cream puff. It’s been a while hasn’t it?” 

L springs from his chair like a Jack in the box, nearly dragging Light to the floor by his wrist. His eyes widen, and he, for once in his life, is left completely speechless. “I-I…” he stutters, “What are you doing here?” The plump woman only twiddles her hands in front of her, a guilty blush beginning to consume her face. “Well…” 

Watari interrupts the exchange by clearing his throat and taking a few steps forward. All three heads in the room turn towards him, though only two of them understand what is even being said. “I summoned her here of my own accord,” Watari explains, “I felt the case needed some extra moral support, and after a thorough call, she seemed very eager to assist. Isn’t that right Miyuki?” 

Of course he would give her an alias that means “beautiful happiness.”

‘Miyuki’ nods eagerly at Watari’s confession, “Yes, he explained everything on the phone and well… I knew that I had to come.” She tilts her head and gives L a soft, sad, smile, “He said you weren’t doing so well, cream puff. If I had the chance to help, I couldn’t just let it slip me by.” 

Despite the flutter in his heart and the urge to suddenly reach out to touch her, L’s logical side fumes in anger. Shooting a glare to Watari and then back at Miyuki, he sets his jaw, “Do you have any idea just how dangerous it is for you to be here right now? Our lives are on the line in this case, and the last thing I want right now, is for yours to be at risk as well.” 

His scolding has her lowering her head in shame while Watari stands still as ever. “I’m sorry,” she mutters, “I just… Watari said it would help you relax to have me around and well,” she raises her head, “I wanna help you any way I can, no matter what it takes. My life included.” 

Looking into her eyes, L could tell she meant that with her entire being. She wasn’t there for any other reason than to make him happy. He had two choices now; shatter her heart and send her back to New York, or put her life at stake to keep her here. They both were incredibly risky paths to take, each could result in losing her for good. 

His silence only raised her anxiety and Miyuki’s eyes begin to water slightly, “I… I thought you’d be glad to see me. It’s been almost two years since you last saw me in person. Do you… not want me here?” 

Now he really was on the spot, he needed to think quickly before this escalated more. Could he really tell a lie to that sweet, puffy, soft face that cared so much for his well being? Would it even be worth it to do so? Swallowing a lump in his throat L finally musters the courage to answer her question. “No,” he begins, “I am very glad to see you. I trust that you being here now means Watari took all the proper precautions to bring you to Japan,” she nods in confirmation before he continues, “If that’s the case…” he smiles slightly, “I suppose it wouldn’t hurt to keep you around for a few days or so.” 

Miyuki’s face lights up in a smile and she lunges forward, wrapping her arms around L’s neck. “Oh thank you!” she exclaims, “I’ll make sure you never run out of raspberry cannolis again, cream puff.” Returning her embrace, L snakes his arms around her waist. A waist that, it seems, has grown. His girlfriend had put on a bit of weight since he last saw her, and if he was being completely honest with himself, he loved it. Holding her felt like biting into a fresh donut; warm, soft, and like home. 

L would have continued to hold her against himself for as long as time permitted, but unfortunately, she stepped away, a red embarrassed flush on her cheeks. Looking back at the dumbfounded and clueless Japanese boy handcuffed to her boyfriend, Miyuki wrings her hands, “I don’t suppose I could have a moment with you in private? If that’s too much to ask, I guess we could talk with… whoever that is, here.” 

“Ah,” L hums, looking back over his shoulder at his companion beside him, “That would be Light Yagami, completely harmless… for now. It would take too long to explain why he’s currently attached to me but…” he trails off, tracing his thumb on his lip as he looks at the massive monitor full of surveillance camera feeds. If he uncuffed himself from Light, he would still be watched 24/7 by Watari and the others, right? Surely it wouldn’t do any harm to the investigation to give himself a one hour break from his experiment. 

Looking back to Miyuki, L smirks, “I believe I could arrange a private moment for us. Light has someone else in this facility waiting to spend some alone time with him as well. He’s been behaving well enough I don’t think it would be too horrible to allow him that. I’ll meet you on the 18th floor… once I find the key for these handcuffs.”

***

A quiet, yet peaceful silence hung in the air as L squatted on the couch across the coffee table from Miyuki. It was strange the way their relationship played out, their phone calls were always filled to the brim with conversation, almost never allowing for a moment of quiet, yet these moments, the ones where each occupied the same room together, were always so silent. Both were so content to bask in each other’s presence. 

L watched her with nearly glossed over eyes, curled in on himself as he studied her every shift and movement on the couch, trying his hardest to commit every part of her to memory, especially since she’d changed so much. The tension in the air that had lingered in the tower for the past week seemed to finally evaporate just by having her here. Right now L felt… relaxed. 

“What are you laughing about?” Miyuki inquires, and L hadn’t even noticed the chuckles coming out of his mouth. She had a way of drawing out the childish joy in him that even he seemed to forget existed. Hugging his knees, he shakes his head, “It’s nothing, I’m simply enamored with you. You have brought a light with you I feared had diminished inside me.” 

Blushing like mad, Miyuki smiles brightly, shining like a thousand stars, “I’m glad. Watari said you’d been missing me lately. You’ve had a lot on your plate and he figured that having me around might give you some peace of mind and focus.” 

“I believe he was correct,” L agrees, “I’d say my sense of peace has risen by at least 60%, and my focus even more so. Though I must admit… my focus is most certainly not on the investigation at the moment. Rather, it’s on someone else entirely.” 

She waves a hand in dismissal, her smile still cheek to cheek. L can barely help the smile on his own face as he stares her down from his hunched position across from her. He could stare at her for hours, there was just something about her that drew his attention like nothing else. If asked 5 years ago, L would say he didn’t believe in love at first sight, but the moment he met (Y/N), that all changed in an instant. 

In an attempt to make some sort of small talk, L hums, “I’d ask how your family is, but your father made it evident on the phone he still hates me.” Miyuki sighs, her smile only diminishing slightly, “Well, you know how papa is, after all that stuff that happened with my uncle getting killed that summer we met, he’s been extra protective of me.” 

“I think it’s only natural for him to feel that way, given everything that’s happened,” L remarks. 

Miyuki shrugs, “I suppose, I just wish he would be more accepting of you.” She pauses for a moment before laughing softly, “You know, my grandma keeps telling me that I should dump you if you aren’t going to propose soon.” Raising her finger she does a poor impression of a scolding elderly woman, “‘It’s been five years and there’s no ring on your finger, you’d be better off finding someone who actually wants to make an honest woman of you.’”

L freezes in his seat, his shoulders tensing and his thumb stopping all motions against his lips. With eyes slightly widened, he nervously asks, “You… don’t plan on taking that advice, do you?”

Noticing the way he was gripping his knees, Miyuki suddenly stops laughing. “Of course not, cream puff,” she assures vehemently. Getting up from her seat, she walks across the space between the two couches to sit next to L. Turning towards him, she puts her hands on the cushions close to his leg. “I told you at the end of that summer that I would wait for you, always.”

The tension in his body loosens at her proximity, but he hangs his head slightly, thinking as he resumes rubbing his lip. He sighs, his shaggy hair hiding his dejected face, “But perhaps… you shouldn’t. I fear your grandmother makes an excellent point, dear. It’s foolish for you to continue ‘throwing your life away’ as your father would put it.” 

Miyuki shakes her head, “What are you talking about? Why would you even say that?” 

With a huff, L unfurls himself from his seat, placing his bare feet on the carpet below him. Resting his elbows on his knees, he studies the patterned floor, tracing each shape with his eyes as he talks, “It’s just that… we have been in a relationship for half a decade now, and in all that time, we’ve spent a total of exactly 164 days, 13 hours, and 37- no, 38 minutes, physically together. This job of mine… it hardly allows for a social life of any kind, let alone a relationship of this nature.” He lifts and turns his head slightly, looking at her from beneath his overgrown bangs, “I simply feel that… you deserve an ordinary life. A life that only an ordinary man can give you… a man that is nothing like me.” 

“There is nothing wrong with you,” Miyuki argues, “You’re just as ‘normal’ as any other man. You’re strong, and handsome, and-” 

“Darling,” he interrupts, “please don’t lie to me. You know just as well as I do that this life I live is far from typical. I never had a normal childhood, never had real friends, and I became a professional detective at a time when I should have still been in grade school.” A pale hand reaches out to hold Miyuki’s thigh, “I care about you… immensely. I want you to have everything you desire in this life, but unfortunately… it may not be something that I can give you, despite my very deep desire to do so.”

Enveloping L’s hand, Miyuki grabs hold of him, tears welling in her eyes, “I don’t care about any of that,” she assures. “At the end of that summer, before you left for your next case, I told you I would wait for you, always,” she scoots just a hair closer, “I meant that then and I still mean it now. I wouldn’t have come all this way behind my family’s back to be here if I didn’t. L… I love you. I don’t care if that means I only get bits and pieces you manage to spare from your hectic life. I’ll take whatever I can have if it means I get to be yours.”

The detective studies her face with a full heart, his tired eyes watching every twitch and shift of her features. She truly meant every word she just said. She is in love with him, and she would do anything to stay in his life… no matter what sacrifices that entailed. For a moment, he thinks of Light Yagami. He may have Misa’s adoration, but L… L has (Y/N)’s devotion. He had half a mind to kiss her right then. 

Miyuki swallows the lump in her throat as her boyfriend continues to stare her down, his eyes flicking between her own and their hands clasped between them. He seemed so far off yet close at the same time, and she knew this meant he was busy thinking about something. His eyes usually glaze over in a certain way when he is lost deep in his thoughts. 

When he continues to stay silent for more than she is comfortable, she squeezes his hand to ground him. “Uh, cream puff?” she nervously chuckles, “Are you okay? Did I… did I say something wrong?”

L blinks, refocusing his attention on the woman at his side. “What? Oh I’m sorry, I just trailed off for a moment.” He releases her hand, repositioning himself on the couch in his typical pose, this time turned to face her completely. As he rubs his thumb against his mouth once more, he begins mumbling to himself, “There’s no way she would refuse… it’s the only way…” 

With increasing concern in her voice, Miyuki bites her lip, “L? Is… everything okay?” 

He ignores her question and instead asks her one of his own, leaning forward ever so slightly to closely observe her reaction. “You love me, correct? So much that you hang by the phone everyday just to hear my voice? That you would wait for months on end just to spend a long weekend with me?” 

Almost offended by the question, Miyuki blinks rapidly, “Of course I love you. I’d do anything for you.” 

“Even upset your own family?” he further questions, “They never have liked me, and I’m sure they’ve tried many times to convince you to end things with me. Perhaps they’ve even set you up with other men your age to get you to forget about me.” 

“Well… yes, they have,” she sheepishly admits, “but I always turned those guys away. I don’t need them, I have the best guy in the world.” 

L smirks at that last comment, “And I always appreciate your flattery, dear.” He tilts his head before continuing his questioning, “If there were a way that we could stay together full time, travel together, and see one another every day, you would want to do that, correct?” 

“Absolutely,” she answers with no hesitation. “But you just said we can’t… because of your work.” 

“Yes I did say that,” he nods, “However, I believe I’ve come up with a solution that would not only benefit you and I, but would perhaps appease your family as well. Or at the very least, give your grandmother one less thing to complain about…” he trails off again for a moment, biting his thumb before raising an eyebrow, “You would say yes if I asked you, right?” 

“Asked me what?” Miyuki questions, thinking there’s no way he could possibly be talking about what she thinks he is. 

“I suppose there’s only one way to find out…” he mutters to himself. Getting up off the couch, L takes the plump hand of his girlfriend before kneeling beside her on the carpet. Looking up at her blushing face, his equally nervous, red, features quiver as he utters the question that has been weighing on his heart for many years, “Would you marry me?”

Her eyes shoot open, nearly wide enough to pop out of her head, “Cream puff… do you really mean it?” 

Swallowing, he grips her hand a hair tighter, “Why would I have any reason to lie to you? I have been deeply in love with you since I was a teenager, and despite the constant distance and secrecy between us, you’ve stayed loyal and faithful to me. If I were to take you as my wife, you would never have to be without me again. You could travel with me for work, I could finally shower you in all the gifts and affection you deserve, and I could sleep easier at night knowing I wouldn’t have to wait even a day to see you once more. I could even tell you my real name after all this time.” 

Miyuki is speechless, her eyes pooling with tears, blurring her vision of the man on the floor in front of her. Shoulders sinking, he loosens his hold on her hand, “But… perhaps that is too much to ask of you. It would be selfish of me to wish to take you away from your family, to want to tie you to me forever,” he goes to stand up, “Forgive me, I should have never-” 

“No,” Miyuki shouts, grabbing his hand and yanking him back down, “I would, I’d do it. I’d do whatever I had to to be with you.” 

“Are you sure?” he asks, a self deprecating sadness glinting in his eyes. “If you want to, we can continue on the way we are. I just… thought that might be a possibility you’d like to consider… I can’t deny it’s a fantasy I’ve indulged in during some of my more restless nights. Thinking of you… it gives me a clarity I can’t find anywhere else.” 

Fantasy. That’s the word he used. He truly felt it was a fantasy to even think that she would want to be with him forever. Yet, after that confession, how could she possibly even think to say no? Under his seemingly aloof and calculating exterior, L was still a man, a man with a heart that yearned to be with the woman he loved. 

“I’m sure, L,” Miyuki mumbles through the tears streaming down her soft cheeks, “I love you so much. I…” she starts crying even more, unable to hold in the emotions filling her heart, “I wanna be your wife… more than anything.”

“So… you will marry me?” he asks once more, just to clarify. 

She simply nods with a resounding, “Yes.” A smile spreads across his lips as relief washes through him. L had solved some of the most dangerous, high profile criminal cases on this planet, but proposing to his girlfriend just now had been the single most terrifying experience of his life. 

It almost comforted him to feel so normal at that moment. He was just a man, in love, promising to spend his life with the one person who meant more to him than anything, as so many ordinary people do every day. He could quickly feel his heart filling up, nearly fit to burst. 

Taking him by the collar of his shirt, Miyuki pulls L to her lips, kissing him with all the ferocity and love she could muster. The first time she would ever kiss her fiance. 

Pulling away, she leans her forehead on his, “I love you, L.” With a smile on his kiss swollen, perfectly pink, lips he reaches up to hold her hair, gently rubbing the back of her head, “And I love you… until death do we part.”

[gffa]

I finished Rise of the Red Blade this morning and I think I genuinely liked it, to the point that I started mentally composing essays about the main character's journey and the parallels she had with other Star Wars characters and how so much of this book supported everything I've been saying about the dark side and what it does to people, as well as unreliable narrators, and even things where I thought they might be swerving into unfair critical territory on the part of the narrative wound up ultimately being almost delivered to me on a silver platter for how I was fucking right. But I don't think I would recommend it and would even anti-rec it to fellow Jedi fans who have had their nerves scraped raw, unless you are into sharp-edged female characters as much as I am. This book is for all the fans who want a hot mess of a female character who is allowed to be cruel and mean and wrong and all up in her head and unreliable and have moments of absolute yearning that made my heart ache for her and moments of awesome and that she gets to fail and be consumed by the dark and her story is worth telling. If I can love Anakin Skywalker through his descent into the dark, I can love Iskat Akaris through her descent into the same place. This is a book about what it's like to choose the dark side, to believe she's right and that she's free and that she'll get everything she wants--except it's all just kind of nothing in the end. She believes so strongly that the Jedi wronged her, that they never cared about her, that their beliefs were empty, but she says this deep in the dark side and everything we can see outside of her perspective shows that they were trying to help her, she just isn't allowed to go around embracing anger and violence. And it's a book about how mental illness makes it hard to see things clearly. As someone who has struggled with it for my entire life, who only really began to make progress once I accepted that my brain lies to me when it tells me that my friends and family find me to be a burden and would hate me if they knew the real me--ohhhh, do I see a lot of myself in Iskat Akaris. And it's a book about how it doesn't half-ass that descent. She gets to be genuinely cruel. She gets to be genuinely whole-hearted about her beliefs in the dark side have set her free and is good. She gets to be genuinely a giant ball of uncontrolled emotional thorns that she uses to hurt herself as much as other people. This is a book that's not afraid of making its main character unlikeable and, through that, making her beloved to me. If you're not into a book with sharp edges and hissing lies about the Jedi, then skip this one, just don't even read this review, because it's not going to change your mind. But if you're like me and love drama and love when a narrative doesn't actually spell things out for you, but provides all the context you need if you actually watch what the Jedi say and do, not what Iskat says they say and do, it delivers a story that I think supports my view of the Jedi pretty well. This is a story about choosing the dark and all the darkness that comes with that. It's not nice, it's not gentle. I mean, it's still a Star Wars book, but if you like awful women getting to actually be awful in ways that you can sympathize with, the ways that male characters so often get to be, then I genuinely enjoyed this book for that.

[honeeslust]

Satoru Gojo | you cryin?

🖤 inspo for this comes from that slutty gif of Satoru in the box. I know well all collectively had… thoughts… but couple that with the ‘you cryin’ and yea… lets go!

🖤 WC 4100+

Could you imagine falling in love with someone like Satoru? The man can process anything coming his way faster than it can even be perceived. This is except when it came to falling for you.

That being said, he's not going to baby you into the supernatural three ring circus that is his life. That would be arrogantly irresponsible.

As soon as he knew you weren't going anywhere, he made a point to teach you to fear the dangers of his world as he understood better than anyone the cost of bearing such a burden. One of the first things he made sure you understood was how to be wary of the places that gave off a any kind of bad vibes.

But... it wasn't like you set out for this... but you know what they say about the curious cat...

An uncharacteristically frantic Satoru is losing his mind when you don't make it home at your usual time. It really could've only been about 10 minutes past the time you were due to be home but at the moment, none of his thoughts were logical. Not when he could almost immediately intuit the danger you'd found yourself in.

... Somewhere else

You're bound by your wrists to something sturdy above your head. Your body is so weak you can't even pick your head up enough to make out what it is you're tied to. Even after jerking around with all your might, the chains retaining you hadn't so much as budged.

It was hopeless. And now your murky vision has to be betraying you. Your surroundings were moving in ways it shouldn't.

And was that... a man just now?

Your eyes swept the area around you to find nothing but the dark empty expanse staring back at you. Every ounce of your energy having mysteriously been sapped from your body. Defeated by the onset of fatigue, your head hangs between your shoulders.

Shit Satoru. I fucked up...

Yea. You did sweetheart.

A voice echoes out from somewhere nearby, but every direction you turn in is still just an endless sea of black. Panicked, your words wisp out of you shakily.

Wha-?..who are you?

I'm Mahito...

The disembodied voice calls out to answer you as he figure slowly emerges from the shroud of darkness ahead of you.

Thanks for making this easy for me.

Why the hell am I here Mahito?

Isn't it obvious? Satoru! He'll come running for you. And when he does well... he's no longer gonna be a problem for us.

Your chains rattle against the reinforcement as you struggle to turn away from the foreign hand now clutching your face in a harsh grip. The entity winks at you. His hand is hot on your face, hotter than it should be. It makes your skin crawl and you flinch away in disgust.

Don't fucking touch me.

His lip draws under his annoyingly perfect teeth, as he looks you over pleased with your choice of costume.

Hah! Quite a mouth you got on you little angel. If only I could get locked in here with you, Im sure I could make a devil outta you.

Tch. Ooh. If only. you snide teasing him with a pathetic pout before you spit right in his beautiful face.

Wait. What did he mean...locked ? As in.. inside?

God-fucking-damnit!

Mahito swings his powder blue locks over his shoulder, breaking into a fit of maniacal laughter. He smears the wad of saliva from his face to lick it from his finger.

Fuck! Satoru's a lucky one.

You seem like you'd be so much fun.

Ah well. I'm sure you would've made a fine plaything. Its a shame I gotta leave you here now.

Too bad. So sad Mahito. Best be on your way, bitch.

Your body trembles, betraying the evil glare you aim in his direction. What he'd said before was beginning to sink in.

Locked in...

Fuck me!!

Mahito comes closer to you, making you flinch away.

I guess you're right. I'm sure he'll be here soon and I'm not trying to fight him...Even I know my limits.

He stoops in front of you, his bicolored irises flashing in delight as he reaches past your ear to play with the hem of your angel wing. Guess this is goodbye pretty one.

With that, retreats. Vanishing into the shadows leaving you stranded in the dreadfully cold loneliness. The accompanying darkness enclosing you doesn't help your nerves much either.

As if things couldn't get any weirder. A faint blue fog appears before you and seemingly moves toward you. It creeps closer and closer. Moving about unnaturally as it does so. A hand made out of bones materializes out of the cloud and then... more and more of them emerge. Entire skeletons. Swarming in around you until youre body is swallowed whole by the vapor.

...

Y/n......

Y/n. Wakeup.

Hmm? God Satoru what?

Baby. Wake up.

Your eyes flick open and you're ready to slap Satoru for waking you up before the sun when you didn't need to be.

But wait! This wasn't youre room, this wasn't even a place. You were as happy to see Satoru as you were horrified to see that you're still tethered to the chains from before.

You found quite a place to try and have a nap. Sweetheart.

You know I wasn't napping Satoru ... Now can you help!! you say yanking the chains.

Tsk tsk tsk. He admonishes with a shake of his head. I won't lie. This sucks

Yea it does. Help me outta these won't you.

Mmmm.

What do you mean mmm?

I mean... I did try and tell you....

You scoff rolling your eyes hating exactly how right he was. He told you. Time and time again. Halloween is the worst time to be out and about as a newly awakened sorcerer.

Ugh okay. Baby you made your point. You gripe putting on your best pout and jangling your chains in his direction. C'mon. Satoru let me outta this.

I don't think I will. Not until you answer me one thing...Why were you out here alone?

Because I wanted to be. I can handle myself just fine, thank you. You say proudly even though you knew that in your current predicament,  you looked at least 2 sizes too small to for the big shit you talked.

Oh you can huh? He exclaims bearing a crooked smile down at you. But did you ever happen to stop and consider what I said about Halloween.

No. I didn't. You lie.

Immediately. You're met with a look of disbelief.

You don't huh...?

He cocks his head to the side. Leaning over you to jostle your chains.

... You comfortable like this sweetheart? He says rubbing the side of your face suggestively.

You roll your eyes. You know I'm not.

So then tell me why? You're a fucking danger magnet. It follows you wherever you go. You know and you pull this shit?.

Satoru recalls the moments he spent panicking when he couldn't get a read on your energy.   And that was exactly what they had hoped for when they dangled the chance to save you in front of him. For the second time in his life, hes d walked into a trap.

He kneels on the ground in front of you,  and arm draped across his thigh, the other caesses the side of your face. Why would you risk it y/n?

You stare back at him, too stunned by the vulnerable look in his eye to keep your attitude. Does it matter?

The hell are you asking me right now? Yeah y/n it matters to me that you put yourself in danger.

Awwww. Satoruuu. Were you worried? You sing songed out, teasing him.

His ears burned red.

Shut it. But yes. Obviously I was Sweetheart.

Fiiiine. Fine. You say giving him a small smile. But for real Satoru...You taking me outta this or not?

He glances up over your head, sizing up the length of your chains. Yeah. I will...Once I figure this out.

What?

Oh yea. Guess it seems this place was designed to keep me from using my abilities. So we're trapped here until the people out side can figure out how to get us out.

You're kidding!

Nope.

Fuck. Your voice shakes as the panicking kicks in. What in the actual fuck am I supposed to do now? You ask when you notice him looking down at you.

But wait Sweetheart. I can't lie. You look good in this position.

Tsk...Boy! Don't start. Baby you have to get me outta this.

What?....I'm allowed. I mean baby, you had me going crazy. And now well...I feel like I need to take advantage of this interesting little situation we find ourselves in. Gimme a moment to appreciate you like this.

You glare at your boyfriend. No way this angel eyed menace meant that.

No you creep. You're crazy Satoru. Cmon.

You're so annoyed with your boyfriend but there a glint in his eye as he's staring down at you in your vulnerable state. The depth of those ocean eyes could drown you a hundred times over and right now there was a storm brewing behind them. He was truly enjoying the sight of you, twisting so feebly as if you really wanted to deny this could and would happen. This situation was completely fucked. Sure. But damnit if it wasn't the stuff good girls who keep their heads stuck in smutty books would cream over.

No...You're not seriously considering....

Why not? Baby you're so fucking hard headed.

You laugh.. Yeah and...?

A hard head will make for a soft ass. Every. Fucking. Time Sweetheart.

Why did that send a sneaky little quiver right to that spot? Oh right, cause no matter how screwed you might be. It'd be worth it to let Satoru have his way with you. His mean side is his sexiest side.

Now you'd pissed him off. Sure. But Satoru figures why fight about it when you could fuck about it.

I like you like this. All that mouth on you. No where to run off to... Shit. Why didn't I think of this?

Your complexion ripens under his gaze. God. You're loving this aren't you?

You have no idea.

He lowers himself to your eye level, giving you that cocky smile of his but his piercing stare emanates something more than just frustration. Could it have been a little bit of relief you saw in his eye?

Before you could figure it out, he kisses you. Long and hard, his hands encompass your face as if he couldn't let you go. Your cheeks burn in the palm of his hands as his tongue rolls around your mouth, the strokes of his tongue resonating between your legs in repeated pangs pleasure. He breaks away, pressing his fore head against yours.

You make me crazy y/n you know that don't you?

But I thought you liked a challenge Satoru?

Fair enough. But... I don't know..

He skims a finger down the front of your blouse before he pulls his eyes back to meet yours.

... There is only so much a man can take sweetheart.

He tears the thin fabric away with ease making you yelp in response. You stomach tightens, flesh bared and prickling with goosebumps.

But...

Shhh now. I think you like making me like this.  He quiets you, pressing a kiss to your jaw.

But Satoru I...

Any aht! Say the truth. It's just us here after all.

You're panting heavily staring at him with wide eyes.

Maybe... You hesitate, drawing your eyes to his lips, still rosy and wet from your kiss. Maybe it's fun to ruffle those perfect feathers of yours a little...

Is that right?

You shrug... Guess I can't help myself.

He slowly begins to reach his hand down to your waist, keeping his eyes fixed on yours as he does so.

The clatter of the chains reminds you where you are and for a moment, you question whether you can do this here.

I didn't mean to get snatched though. You call out in a weak attempt to make up for the stress you considered you might've put him through.

No you didn't... But here we are. Guess there's nothing else we can do except maybe this.

He tucks his fingers into the strap of your lingirie and snaps the tight band against your skin. You shiver, rattling the chains again.

Uh...Shouldn't we use our time more productively Satoru?

Yeah, I'm about to...Let me get these off you.

He tears at the suspenders keeping your wings attached and they fall the the ground. He rips open the white lacey bodice, leaving you in nothing but the tight thigh highs and gstring, and matching body harness up top

He's kneels before you, pressing his body between your legs. His palms brush softly up the sides of your thighs as he asserts himself over your body.

He glares down at you, his hand groping at the tented area of his pants.

I think it's time we make up don't you think.

You bring your foot up to his shoulder and nudge him away with a feeble kick. God, I cannot stand you.

I should be saying that to you.

Whatever.

Excuse me?

He leans in to press a kiss to the side of your neck.

Whatever Sat— the sudden use of his tongue in your favorite spot catches you off guard.

... What was that now sweetheart?

He asks boasting a cheeky grin as he continues to kiss his way further down your body.

His lips halt their movement right at your navel, granting you only a single moment of clarity. Your eyes open to see him giving you a dangerous look.

Now about that apology.

Your eyes opened wide. What apology? I've done nothing wrong.

No? He asks now trailing his fingers along the wet edge of your panties.

I am.

Your sure? He says looping his finger around the damp fabric and pulling it to the side.

Yes. I don-- ahhh you cried out tugging against your chains and tossing your head back.

His fingers lazily slip between your folds, effectively putting a stop to the sure tantrum you were about to throw.

He prods your clit with his thumb, biting down on his lip as he regards the pleasure overtaking your features.

I'm listening... He suggests slowly dipping his fingers inside.

Use your words baby. I'm gonna need that apology. C'mon. It's easy. Iiii— 

He croons teasingly curling his finger inside and pulsing it right against the spot he knew would have your toes curling in no time.

Your legs squeezed together around his arm making him laugh aloud while adding another finger. He begins to pulse them inside you.

Fuuuck Toru...

Yea I know. Say it baby.

Damnit. He's too good at this.

I'm sorry...fuck baby, right there. You squeel in satisfaction,  drool beginning to pool in your mouth as your core twisted tighter.

Hmmm. I'm not convinced.

Why don't you try again?

His fingers are rutting in and out of you.The warm enclosure wrings tight around them until you're spilling forth everything, mewling out how sorry you were.

He sets back onto his legs, looking down appreciatively at his little brat, trussed up and convulsing with pleasure when he gets an idea.

He lifts the hem of his shirt over his head a tosses them to the side. He reaches up somewhere over your head and you feel a yank on the chain. A sudden sound of shrieking metal fills your ears, jarring you back into your body.

Did he just???

Sato-?

You're dragged forward until your wrists are pinned into his chest, leaving you unable to unleash your barrage of verbal assaults at him.

You Fu-— your words are muzzled into his kiss and he groans, tightly grabbing the cusp of your ass in a grip that almost hurt. He punctuates the kiss with a sound smack to your rear.

He unlocks his lips from yours, and pushes against your shoulders, forcing a gasp out from your lips.

Satoru? You begged watching him wind the harsh metal chain around his fist. The metal grated against itself as he clinched it tight, giving the metal a yank until the steel bit down into your flesh.

You say your sorry Sweetheart...? Show me.

He was perfection. His slutty little waistline is accentuated by the way his hip jutted out to the he side. Your eyes dropped to the large print lying across his thigh and as mad as you were, your mouth watered.

He undoes his pants and lets them sag around his waist. He flips his dick out over the top and pumps himself slow.

Get it wet pretty girl... maybe I'll believe you. He says with a flick of your chain.

You bent forward, ass hiked up to his liking so he could palm your cakes like a basketball. You brought the swollen head of his dick between your lips, and moaned over him as his fingertips dug into the right spot of your skin.

Hes impressed his little angel doesn't immediately gag on his cock, hes fascinated even. You're so slutted out for him that you forget that he could've freed you at any moment.

Never mind that youre now trapped in this place with minimal hope of escaping. Your minds put all of that aside to focus on the singular object of your affection and the way he helps you along, hands free, he guides himself in and out of your mouth. Keeping a taut hold on your chain as you bobbed back and forth on your elbows. throating every inch of his cock like a glove.

Are you really sorry ?

Mmnmnnmmmngghgg

Ahh. baby... Teeth!

He shudders feeling your garbled apologies vibrating along the tight corner in the back of  your throat where his length was now comfily housed.

Fuck y/n. You can do better than that can't you?

Lemme hear it? You sorry or not?

He's so mean about it. Fuck! it makes you wet. It makes you want to sacrifice your breath just to choke on him more.

His body tenses as all the blood rushes to the same spot. He bucks out of your mouth before he can release into the back of your throat.

You're still not making me think you mean it.

Don't you wanna show me?

I do! I meant it Satoru.

He places his fingers under your chin and presses his thumb against your puffy wet lips.

Yea?

A smile pulls at his lips. He believes you. But hes greedy for more of this. He knew that eventually he could fuck the act right into your hard headed ass.

Mhmmm. Alright. Guess I gotta fuck a proper apology outta you... Don't I?

Turn over!

You're body obeys before you've even registered what's happening. He knees your legs apart, pulling back on the chain to hear the way you yiped out. Somehow he's got you hunched over on your knees, your hands held back by your new leash.

Please Satoru.

Tsk. Oh sweetheart. You know thats not what I wanna hear.

I'm sorry baby...

Your knees are burning from all the time spent on them, but it doesn't matter. Your pussy glistens with your arousal for him and the wet hole is repeatedly clenching in wait. You need him as bad as the air in your lungs, maybe more.

The honored one slaps your ass. hard. The bite brings tears to your eyes.

Ahh. I'm sorry. Satoruu. Fuck.

Manners baby.

SLAP.

Baby I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Ohh god please. I need to feel you.

Your flesh stings with another sound slap to the other side causing a your walls to clench tight around nothing. Fuck! It aches so good that your toes curl.

He could feel the heat emanating from your body. He could even see the heavy glow of pleasure as it surrounds you. Even in this dark dank place youre golden aura shines bright in his all seeing eye.

He aligns himself and pushes a few prepatory nudges inside you. Tensing his jaw, he grumbles through clenched teeth until he's buried the full extent of himself inside you.

You welcome the stretch with a drawled out moan, thank you.

Thats my girl.... Won't save you though.

The emphasis of his words are punctuated with a sharp thrust forward.

Ssss, starting to feel like you sorry angel. Keep it up and maybe I'll let you out of this. He brags yanking back as he brought his hips back against you ass to make you sink your nails into the terrain beneath you.

He moves back and forth. again and again... Each time plunging deeper until you were squirming away. He's so deep you can taste the blisssul release creeping up on you. Its sweeter than nirvana, the feeling of him colliding somewhere inside that makes you forget what you're even sorry for.

He's bullying your cunt with a brutality you've never felt. He's beside himself, watching his cock disappearing inside you again and again. You're unable to flee from the shock as he's tugging on your new chain leash.

I want to protect you.... you need to let me!

Ok. Yes Satoru yes. You're whining, inching yourself forward for a moment of relief. There's just absolutely no way your body can take the pleasure he's forcing upon you.

Awww baby, quit your running. You wanted this didn't you? You like to ruffle these perfect feathers? Thats what you said right?

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry you wail, twitching pathetically as he draws back and returns with a resounding pound that all but knocks your lights out. You're blissfully cock drunk, the wetness leaking down out over the base of his cock.

It's like he's saying it over and over and over.

...love... you...

... protect.... you.

You can't move, you can't think, you can only feel him fucking his frustration right into you.

Let me... baby....Am I understood?

Yes Satoru. Yes.

Lemmie hear you! Say it again!

Satoru—- Please... Ohhh I'm sorry, I'm so fucking sorry, you scream out letting that dick turn you into groveling mess.

Satorus entire body quivers at the sight of your ass clapping against his skin as he picks up the pace.

Are you? I cant hear you.?

Say that shit like you mean it!.... Say it!

He's being mean and he knows it. But he needs you weak. He needs you broken. He needs you to quit putting yourself in harms way because he wouldn't know what to do without you.

everything you put him through resonates with the pleasure hes giving. You're right where he wants you, so his palm slaps harshly across your ass, his continued unmerciful thrusts knocking loose every screw in your brain.

Baby I am. I swear. Im so so so so sorry!

He yanks, dragging you back against him hard. He traps your arms in a tight lock behind your back and slowly rolls his hips to etch himself deeper. Imprisoning you in his arms, he growls lowly in your ear.

I don't believe you.

He forces you back over, this time pushing your chest to the floor. You're vibrating on the brink of an insidious rapture. Skin clapping against skin. Him tuggeong on your leash to to keep that arch the way he likes it. His pace is unrelenting. Like he was dead set on making you feel how crazy you made him.

You beg and you beg feeling the sloppy trails of arousal leak down the inside of your thighs. You'll say anything, do anything, BE anything for him. He has to know that. But still, he's unrelenting.

What's left of your voice creaks out in a whine.

So so so so sorry daddyyyy ohhhhh.

The moniker spills from your lips making him jolt with pleasure, spilling all kinds of his honored elixir into your trembling mess of a cunt. You're so full of him that your entire body spasms.

Daddy huh?

He likes it. It has a ring to he didn't know he needed to hear. Your clenched so tight he cant pull out. Fresh hot tears are running down your face and you look over your shoulder too distraught with your shattering to even speak to him.

He's gasping for the breath he takes. Beyond satisfied with your apologyas he blinks away the stars in his eyes. a wicked grin stretches across his lips when he sees the tears streaming down your face...

Wait!!. he chuckles, curling a portion of the the chain around either of his hands. He snaps the links and pulls your pleasure riddled body to him.

He clutches your chin between his fingers, and grins.

You cryin'??

@littlemochabunni @ryomens-vixen @biscuitsngravie @crescentmoontsuki @blkkizzat @thecookiebratz @residentfromnowhere @i-literally-cant-with-this @arlerts-angel

[dangermousie]

Farscape Rewatch - Different Destinations, 3x05

I think DD is the single most depressing, bleakest episode of Farscape and one I find hardest to watch and rewatch; it makes me cry. There are more heartbreaking episodes out there, true. Episodes I ended up sobbing in more than I do here (DMD for one). But the reason DD is so profoundly bleak is that the message, the meaning of the story seems to be: there is no point in trying, anything you do makes it worse and there is nothing you can do to make it right.

Because the whole situation is ultimately no one’s fault? Or everyone. I suppose, if you want to really attenuate the blame, you can blame John, because he wanted Stark to be comforted. Stark is, after all, now near catatonic in his loss of Zhaan. I think his initial composure was just shock and it wore off and he descended into this. Here he is imitating Zhaan’s words and gestures, as if he’s turning himself into a facsimile in grief.

I think that part of the reason that John wants to comfort Stark is because John is, despite everything, despite the fact that it has been beaten out of him until there is only narrow scope, is innately kind. But another part is that I think John recognizes a certain kinship, with insanity in Stark, and with loss of love driving one mad. It’s further and twisted but there and I think John has a certain ‘here but for the grace of God go I reaction. I love the scene with D’Argo, Aeryn, John and Stark, where Aeryn, frustrated, turns to D’Argo if he is feeling lonely because he and she are the only ones not hearing voices in their head. 

Or I am thinking of a later scene in ‘Meltdown’ when John tells Stark that Aeryn ‘is my Zhaan.’

But yeah, to give borderline insane, grieving, and very powerful energy being a vid which is half peace treaty, true, but half last battle? Bad idea. But no one in their right (or even wrong mind) would expect a tear in time created by Stark. We can’t blame John for it any more than we can blame Stark for creating the tear, or D’Argo and Aeryn fighting when they got there (they are attacked) etc etc. And John almost did fix everything right, if that nurse didn’t shoot the general at the last minute. I understand her, but I just want to shake her and yell ‘stupid woman.’

The is one of the episodes I get mildly frustrated with the crew playing ‘pin the blame on John’ game, even though they don’t do it overly much, and it’s frustration talking, not genuine blame.. It. Is. Not. His. Fault. UGH. Stop. I know, I know, emotional masochist. Still, come on.

I love the surreal scene of Scorpius playing the harmonica, in cowboy boots with ‘Andy’ on them. And I love Stark’s kindness, even in the midst of his own grief and madness, towards the little girl, Citrina. I never realized before that when he hugs her, once she said she never cried when her father died, he is crying instead and for her. Another transfer of sorts.

He is so gentle throughout, in a way death is his mileau.

But the show, in its consistent bleakness, does not allow a comfort of a peaceful death or life after or anything but bleakness. It refuses even crumbs of comfort.

Or Aeryn, amazing Aeryn, learning that the PK hero Deacon was still a hero, just a very different one, and that underneath the propaganda myths is truth of honor, and the past where PKs were not yet perverted but were defenders of truth and justice. And having to send this kid to die and it ending up meaning nothing in the scheme of things, except another burden for her. She has more optimism in the beginning of this episode than John (who is utterly bleak in his worldview and yet somehow it still goes below his nonexistent expectations, still breaks his heart.)

I love D’Argo’s moment of bonding with the kid, as well. But he is not as distraught at the end because ultimately, both he and Aeryn are tougher, soldiers from birth by nature and nurture and culture and blood. Unless it’s the death of a few very specific people, they can function on, stiff upper lip, no wound on them as bad as John’s, who is despite it all, just a talented amateur.

And so we end the episode with John utterly hollow, broken, sitting there just sifting sand through his fingers, because yes, they minimized the damage but the nurses were slaughtered anyway, the same nurses who would have been saved if they never went through. And I love that, as always, it is Aeryn who is there for him at his lowest, who is there to answer his hopelessly decent person’s ‘What was the point? [of the murders]’ with her PK-nihilistic ‘There probably was no point.’

The Universe is cruel and even trying to help ends up worse and how far has John come (been broken) from the idealist of the beginning, and how much further into darkness and despair he still has to travel. I think he is so shattered because he never gets truly used to the cruelty of the Universe. I wonder if it’s because he’s had a safe, proper childhood. It makes him fight because of his burning sense of injustice, but it also makes him vulnerable the way Aeryn and D’Argo, who are soldiers by birth, culture and breeding, or even Chiana and Zhaan never are. 

I love that at his lowest moment in this ep, in this season so far, Aeryn is there for him (I remember years ago on Farscape boards someone pointed out that her name, ‘Aeryn Sun’ is really ‘air and sun,’ two essentials for living. Because that is what she is to John. I have no idea if the makers thought of it, but how incredibly appropriate.)

And the fact that John tried to go back, to fix it, or to save them and die trying is…GUH. I love Crichton so much. Of course, I really don’t see how it’s his fault (not even not leaving the guns, they couldn’t leave future technology), so it’s just his enormous sense of responsibility (just as that is what made him talk to Nurse and tell her they were leaving, as if he wanted to be focal point for blame later).  

[obraveyouth]

outofcharacter. totally not stealing this idea from @dullweapons nope not at all :^)

aka: my link’s view on the golden goddesses / hylia

regarding link being a self dubbed ‘sacrilegious hero’: it isn’t like he’s an atheist but moreso like while link still holds some weird belief in the gods, it isn’t anything close to faith ( for how can one believe in someone/something that he’s also intertwined with? ): it isn’t hate but moreso a strong distaste and the questioning of ‘why’ if, by his understanding, the gods are all powerful and all knowing then why do they set up hyrule ( and by extension: zelda, himself, and any others that get wrapped up into the destiny ): to succumb to such an awful fate time and time again. he doesn’t realize that it is due to a curse by the original big bad demise, but thinks it was from the actual golden goddess / hylia herself.

link can regularly can be found at ordona’s, or any of the light spirits springs, cursing up a storm and just pondering / kinda praying in asking: why why why. he’s never once gotten an answer and it kinda leads into him trying to find out himself why things are the way they are. why he seems to both long for ‘more quest/adventure’ but want to go back to his peaceful life in ordon village. with this though, while still steadfast and courageous, link is more bleak about certain things he feels alone, he has such a burden to carry and he lives with it. he has such an expectation to live up to and he knows he’s already failed every time he opens his mouth ( how many times has he heard the nobility / highborn of castle town give heartless remark on his accent ), or whenever he chooses to pick up a book instead of a blade. its like the moment zant and ganondorf made their move onto hyrule with the twilight, link was no longer allowed to just be himself and he hates it.

this hatred of longing for what once was causes his hatred for the goddess as they chose him ( but he still has the spirit of the hero and he also battles with the whole ‘if not me, then who?’ and ‘it can be nobody else but me’ ): he wishes they would’ve picked anyone else. he wonders if he was truly chosen or if his desire to save his friends had been what landed him into such a fate. even after everything is said and done link isn’t allowed to be happy. the friend he’d made out of midna ( and i like taking some bits of the manga as canon so this includes the midlink kiss ): left and he’s also got this intense feeling of ‘what if’ and how he’s spent a decade just trying to be able to contact her again someway, somehow because he cannot let go of that ‘what if’. everything else in his life kinda went to shit and he’s only seen as a hero now ( even by those within his own village ): people hardly ever call him link, it really makes him feel so damn lonely.

he got forcefully turned into a wolf, had to battle all manners of extraterrestrial creatures, nearly die countless times, encounter countless people that added onto his quest with side missions within it, had the ever expansive memory of a literal god implanted inside his head ( even if it was only a fragment ), almost lost midna mid quest ( only to regain her back and then loose zelda ), had to fight said princess of hyrule while ganon had control of her, and then kill another mortal man just like himself. oh and something specific to my link is that his mother was half-gerudo and when he had to kill ganondorf it left a really bitter taste in his mouth because it was like he was killing off a piece of himself. while, the gerudo aren’t in TP, he learned about them from telma ( who i see as being of gerudo descent herself and yes, link affectionately calls her auntie ): all this to say is that link’s mental is really fucking broken, even if he hides it well most days he finds it really hard to relate to the average person anymore and puts up a massive front except when he’s alone.

sure, link can speak with zelda but she’s got an entire kingdom to run and he doesn’t wanna bother her, even if she’s the only person that can truly understand what its like to have this fate. he’s extensively spoken with the hero spirit, shade too and while it helped a bit it doesn’t solve the root of his overarching problem. link is just really fucking alone and if he ever actually hears from the gods / hylia he’s going to be anger and rage filled sure but he’s also going to break tf down because everyone always expects the hero to come in and be strong and save the day: but nobody ever checks in on the hero, nobody ever thinks maybe the hero can’t be strong every second of everyday and maybe just maybe the hero should be saved too.

tl;dr: link misses his old life but knows he can never get it back, he holds such regret in knowing that even with having power of the gods there are those he simply will always be too powerless to save. finds the closest of comforts from animals not humans, and just really needs someone to hold him together so he can properly break down for the first time in his god damn life. if he ever encounters a hylia it would be a lot of anger and bitterness and just a sad young man who grew more into his sadness before he lost himself in it.

[ryokaidesu]

I thought about what to ask and decided this: if there was a person in Ogata's life who would be "pure". this person is trying to get closer to Ogata and at some point says, "Ogata, you remind me of my older brother."

★ 尾形 / 𝐈'𝐥𝐥 𝐆𝐞𝐭 𝐓𝐨 𝐘𝐨𝐮 ★

★ 𝐖𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬: /// ★

★尾形 = 𝐎𝐠𝐚𝐭𝐚 𝐇𝐲𝐚𝐤𝐮𝐧𝐨𝐬𝐮𝐤𝐞, 運 = 𝐩𝐚𝐬𝐭 ★

★𝐌𝐞𝐬𝐬𝐚𝐠𝐞 𝐭𝐨 𝐀𝐧𝐲𝐧𝐨𝐧𝐲𝐦: 𝐕𝐞𝐫𝐲 𝐰𝐞𝐥𝐥, 𝐘𝐨𝐮 𝐬𝐡𝐚𝐥𝐥 𝐫𝐞𝐜𝐞𝐢𝐯𝐞! / 𝐍𝐨 𝐬𝐞𝐱/𝐠𝐞𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐫 𝐚𝐬𝐬𝐢𝐠𝐧𝐞𝐝 𝐭𝐨 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐨𝐧. ★

★ 𝐖𝐨𝐫𝐝𝐬: ���𝟎𝟎𝟎 ★

There was nothing They could do. No matter how many times They tried to please Him with words or actions, help Him around, give Him space to not become a burden and went to meet Him again – 尾形 did not care. He avoided Them. Without exception. Not only such stubbornness and isolation kicked Them into a spiral, where They started lacking self-esteem, in the end, 尾形 painted a picture of clear ‘Yes’ and ‘No’ into Their mind.

Like a swing, Their feelings go up and down, but nothing ever can break The outcome. They always try to get close.

The night got colder as the Sun left with its rays behind the mountains earlier. And 尾形 went for a walk. Making His decision to not bring His rifle and only enjoy a walk around the forest and town. His coat, hanging, was soaked wet from snow that's been melting since weekend’s hunt. Thinking it is better than going out without it, 尾形 wraps Himself in it and steps outside.

The white powder cracking under His steps, those glamorous icicles under roofs, boots and shoes left outside the door. Everything was peaceful, so quiet, tender. Except for a chatter, which could be heard from one side, where the path leads between brothels and restaurants. His view caught a glimpse of lights fading away. To not stray away, He took the more lively path.

Cold season kept people gathered inside warm places, no wonder, it started snowing in no time. And as 尾形 wandered as a lost traveler without no finish line in sight, His thoughts picked up and image of Them. Naturally, His pace sped up.

“尾形–san! 尾形–san!” They hurried after Him, trying to catch a breath. 尾形 looked Them up and down, expecting almost everything. “I was informed that it is Your birthday today.” “Yes, it happens to be.” with a nod, 尾形 looks away for a second, but instead ignoring subsequent words or showing a shock of Their sudden appearance, He stays quiet and listens. They start looking around Their pockets, before finally handing a piece of paper to 尾形.

“Here, he–re, I–uh I–...” for a moment, They cut Themselves off, awaiting another deep breath before They continue. “Please, meet me there. I have a gift for You.” but 尾形 did not answer. He looked at the paper, His hands playing with it. “I’ll consider it.” with these words, He left Them of one’s own.

Playing with the paper, 尾形 sighs as He sees the building towering over Him. Will it be another speaking? Another way to just get Him in to meet up? Should He really come in? After all, the path that took Him there could still take Him home. And counting in the way it is – it always has been. They really want to spend some time with Him. But any form of attachment is not good. Even after all that happened. He is still being followed.

At first, the words of admiration, only to show how ‘wonderful’ and ‘prideful’ it is to be there with Him. Another bump of incoherent gestures that leads to shared time. Andpast these weeks, figuring out His personal information to lead Him to possible meetings. “How the hell am I supposed to deal with that?” another sigh leaves His mouth.

“But 尾形–san! I really wanted to help You out with all that work.” They hand Him the file. “尾形–san, if I may know why is that the part of Your routine. How exactly does that help?” They note in curiosity, looking down at His items He uses daily. “尾形–san, don’t You want anything?” asking upon entering the same room. “尾形–san, I think…” They started. “尾形–sama, I came from…” the first day They met.

Nothing ever made sense to Him. Without believing it nor trying to sort it out in His head. He does not admit it after all. It is as it used to be. Back then. This time, without such war, without such features, such bloodline and name. Another way it hunts Him and He must repay.

The door opened, head looking out to the night’s cold covering. Upon seeing 尾形, They rush out. “尾形–san! Are You alright? Aren’t You too cold? We’ve been awaiting You!” “You? There’s more of You?” He shivers, stepping closer to the heat. “Of course, we all made this small gathering party for Your birthday!” They lead Him inside with a wide smile. His fingers started moving again, cheeks turned red and now, 尾形 was in need of a handkerchief.

“May I?” He asks, looking around. With His colleagues in chatter or eating the delicious food this particular restaurant offers, He gets to Himself again. “Of course!” They hand Him one, the night goes on. It would be a complete lie if 尾形 said He did not like it. From food to conversation, He was satisfied. “You see, I quite enjoy this.” His words hit Them. reminding Them of much.

“No, I don’t need no help.” His head turned around, completely ignoring every other question. “There is no need to know about my stuff.” His firm tone of voice set a barrier between. “I don’t.” He answers. “Hm.” again, like yesterday. “So You are the new one? Fine, let’s see what You’re made of.” Their eyes meet. Something within Them sparks. And Their intuition tells Them, that He’s the one to follow.

“尾形–san?” once again, standing in the middle of snowy crossroad, 尾形 catches Himself lost in thoughts. “What was it that You wanted before I go?” A silence fills the night. Everlasting moments of catching confidence weaken, but something inside rattles. A goosebumps, a spine chill, words that were hidden for different types of matters.

“尾形–san, You remind me of my older brother.” – Was it Him all along? Was it me? Or was it someone, something, ... that let Them cross Their paths? 運.

[pinkmoondoll9shihtzu]

vent post, .. putting it under readmore cus its long.

sooo yeah, basically, idk waht to do with my life, and i feel like a burden in the sense that i cant provide for myself rn. i never talk about my living situation but i am almost 29 yrs old, unemployed and having to be supported by my friends cus my family is too poor to help me in any way. like i have to live with my friend’s parents which somehow feels even more pathetic than living w my own parents.. i mean ofc i am very grateful to them for helping me but the guilt racks up more n more each day. when i was 14 my mom told me, ok you’re old enough to work now so you have to get a job if you want literally anything for yourself that isn’t the bare essentials. u want anything other than canned soup for dinner? thats on u. so i got a job, at 14!!! i think back now and im like what the fuck. i was a child... but alas. i worked and worked, i was almost never unemployed my whole life after age 14, except for during 2020 pandemic, and these past few months.

work, work, work, i worked so many piece of shit jobs, i never went to school or anything, there were a few good jobs here n there but they’d always end up getting sabotaged by one of my bipolar episodes. a lot of times, when i was rly desperate, i wld resort to escorting, which i just fucking hated and have been put in a lot of compromising situations and ugh. yeah, what im GETTING at is, ive literally never had security in my life, ive never had resources, the past 15 or so years have been lived in survival mode, and 6 months ago i finally fucking crashed and burned. like, no, i fucking refuse to work anymore, im suicidal all the time, ive never been able to heal from anything that’s happend to me, i dont care if i die broke and alone, i just cant work these demeaning ass jobs anymore. im very grateful to my friedns who have been helping me not die since then, i try rly hard to live frugally, i only eat what i rly need, rarely treat myslef, etc etc.

but now its like, where do i go from here? i know i need to start thinking about generating income again and it makes me so fucking sick. all i can rly do is commissions, but i hate putting a price on art, its only fun to me when im doing it for free. i dont want it to stop being fun. i dont want it to be about money. im scared to try i guess. i definitely dont want to work another stupid job but i also just sit in the house all day and it feels unhealthy. i dont want to meet people, i dont want coworkers, hate putting myself out there cus i cant relate to anyone. hate watching them in real time slowly realize that theres something seriously wrong with me, its embarrassing. i just need something to do.. i dont have a car or anything, i dont even know how to drive because i always figured id be too poor to afford a car. and so far ive been correct about that.

i guess this post is pretty embarrassing too but oh well.. i figure at least on here some ppl can relate.. like fuck i cant even get a therapist to respond to me. everyone just keeps begging me to get therapy as if it will save me. im really lonely w all my feelings and memories. i feel like im in purgatory and all i can do is keep drawing pictures for ppl to enjoy and trying to post things that are uplifting so i can at least make someone elses day a little brighter. but i wish i had a plan or an answer or a real goal. i reallty really really want to be nothing.

[confessions-official]

Tw ed and possible depression?

I feel sick when I think about if I'm depressed or not. I dont like using that word, I havent earned it. I have a loving family and the best girlfriend in the world. I dont wanna die, I just dont wanna exist. I dont wanna do anything except smoke weed, Which helps things not seem so dim. It makes me feel less. Bored I guess. I sont wanna do anything. I dont wanna game, I dont wanna talk to my family, I dont wanna talk to my friends, I dont wanna talk to my girlfriend, I dont wanna draw, I dont wanna do my work, I dont wanna get out of bed. But I do. I know people who are depressed who cant make themself gwt out of bed.

I feel like a faker. I cant tell anyone I feel this way because it'd be unnecessary burden to them, And their lives are already hard enough without me adding to it. I don't want to tell anyone the bad stuff because then they'd think the same way, But mt life isnt even that bad. Its hard to say or send anything because my body just. Doesnt let me. I'll be trying to post a silent cry for help and automatically exit out and cancel the post. I'll write it all up and instead of hitting send I delete it all.

I dont even eat half the time anymore. I wait until its unbearable and affecting me to eat. I used to tell my gf because when she tells me to eat I do, But I stopped. I dont wanna bother her. Nobody notices either, Since in our house we usually only eat dinner together, And that's if my dad doesnt have to work. He leaves at 3 o'clock every day so its not like he can see if I'm eating or not.

Im doing better in school now, I was trying but. Now I'm not. It doesnt matter though. I dont even remember what grade I'm in. Being homeschooled means I never have to see or speak to anyone. Its what I wanted anyways. Less work. Less hours. Less effort lower goals yet higher outcomes. I had 3 F's almost constantly in school, Now I only have one, And the rest are A's and B's.

Its easy when you can search anything and everything up. If I have an essay I read the wiki page for whatever its about and I've only gotten 100%'s in english so far. My overall grade is a 100% for english actually

I just dont understand. I dont hate myself do I? I thought i finally loved myself. I thought i finally fixed it i fixed myself i was finally better i was normal. Theres no reaskn i should be feeling so desprately lost and so alone nd so. Sad

I'm sorry. I know this isnt the blog for this, I know this is for confessions but this is the only place I can say any of this. I couldnt tell anyone in my life that I dont wanna exist, Or that I think my brain snapped, Or that I have serious problems. I hate this. I just want someone to know and care. I just want someone to notice something is wrong. Itd make it so much fucking easier if I coulrnt jide behind the lie of 'im okay'

 

[invernom]

So I'm diagnosed inattentive adhd, undiagnosed-but-strongly-suspecting autistic & undiagnosed-but-damn-certain-of-it osdd type plural system, I have some particular experiences that I feel like kinda blur lines between diagnoses, between what traits I have and what I don't, and why I do or don't act in certain ways.

Aka I just feel frustrated about memory issues, repression & childhood & the burden of proving diagnoses when I have a brain that got way too good at masking everything, even from itself, and I wanted to disjointedly vent about it

So for a long time I've had a niggling feeling like I've been skating forward in life operating like I've always done, but there's a lot of mental processing that goes on in my subconscious that I'm not really able to touch and understand. And I feel like I have a continuous, uninterrupted experience of my life & access to memory (I.e. no blackouts or time loss traditionally associated with DID) but then again I also intellectually know I have memory like a seive and forget stuff all the time

And I can't remember a lot of my past, except when I start trying to connect to parts of myself, my experience and feelings I don't traditional access (or have long-term suppressed) when operating on a day-to-day level. Then I can get vivid, clear memories flooding back to the point where I almost feel like I'm there again (which is still fucking wild to me, when I'm used to my memories always being hazy and scattered!)

But like even though I'm gaining access to more of my memories, there's still a lot I don't have. And I've met (and blended with, at one point) parts of myself that restrict or open access to memories/information to different parts of my mind??

And blending with or connecting to various parts of myself has given me temporary access to memories, knowledge and traits/behaviors that I lose once we separate, which is fucking weird! Like afterwards I'll have clear memories of what blending was like and what I experienced myself saying, thinking or doing when blended, but like the wellspring of knowledge & personality that the alter brought up that generated those things isn't there anymore. And I can't really capture the same results if I try to mimic them without the connection. Also some of my alters have special interests and deep insights about stuff I've never thought deeply on or even thought about thinking deeply on & then they come blend with me and I'm infodumping & I'm like ???? :O

So like it's really cool to be introduced to my own hidden depths and to find out about parts of myself I didn't know about or thought I'd lost, but it's also still deeply frustrating to navigate trying to prove I'm a system or autistic to anybody who's skeptical or needs proof from my childhood or my family's recollections of me.

Like the adhd really hasn't been a problem to prove or talk about to others, but the plurality is mostly internal or is stuff I explore alone (bc it makes me feel vulnerable or weird, and generally talking about it feels like trying to describe a weird dream or a paranormal encounter to someone).

And the autism... How do I prove autism to my therapist when my brain has restricted my access to most of my childhood memories, and my family members also have shit memories (possibly bc of their own neurodivergence)? And what childhood behavior of mine is remembered by myself/others is influenced by the unique blend of my neurodivergent traits plus the hidden, subconscious work my mind learned to do & dissociate from in order to keep me functioning on the day to day.

Like the more I learn about my own brain via my system & the more I connect to my true self in its various parts, the more solid I feel in that feeling I've always had that part of the reason my surface-self is so scatterbrained and foggy most of the time is bc a LOT of thinking, processing, remembering & feeling has been happening where I can't reach.

And that's probably been happening since I was a small child, too. I feel like my smart, sensitive and intuitive little brain internalized a lot of stuff in its quest of trying to grow up & fit in & function, and a lot of autistic traits that may otherwise become a noticeable pattern in some children came out a few times for me, got a negative response from others, and bc of that I repressed and dissociated from them. Or the traits others didn't like that I couldn't subconsciously repress I learned to consciously repress or hide, bc even when I didn't understand why I had them I knew they were undesirable.

(Also, side note, I get the feeling I developed as an osdd system that has an always-fronting shell alter to handle day to day life smoothly is bc of this slow, imperceptible poison drip kinda ND trauma and repression.)

So if I'm right on this theory, then it both shows how damn resourceful & adaptive my brain has always been, and would further confirm why I'm completely screwed on ever proving my autism to someone who needs proof of patterns in my childhood behavior to diagnose/believe me.

Like the biggest, most significant breakthrough I've ever had in my life towards healing & really reconnecting with myself after years spent in burnout & depression came only bc I asked myself "hey, what if I might be autistic?" & then had a sudden, clear experience of meeting other alters... and yet those are the 2 possible diagnoses I may never be able to officially confirm.

[sakarrie-creates]

2023 Fic Round-Up/Reflection

Got an early start this year! I technically was shooting to get it done before the new year but I feel like I’m still within a reasonable window, so I’ll take it! Here’s my 2023 Writing Summary! Overall, I think I actually did okay! As usual, my rambly reflection stuff is under the cut. Happy 2024 people!

2023 Stats:

Fics Started: 12 Fics Fully Written: 12  Fics Posted: 5 New WIPs: 0 Total WIPs: 20 (ish?) Words Written: 53,686 (55,598 if including fic outlines that haven’t been turned fic) Words Posted: 34,805 Fandoms Written For: 3 (+1 for Merlin FTH outline) Events: 4 (+3)

Posted Fics:

Supernatural (Gen): 2

When it Rains, it Pours (13,779): As part of Chuck's "reliving of his greatest hits," Sam starts having his painful visions again. He doesn’t want to believe it, but the nightmares keep coming true and now, he's beginning to worry it’s not just visions. During their last hunt, Sam could have sworn that the machete he was reaching for threw itself. Dean didn’t seem to notice anything but later that night, Sam finds a small trail of blood coming from his nose.

He needs to tell Dean—he knows that. But Dean’s been struggling a lot between Chuck and losing... well, most everyone. He's just barely beginning to bounce back, and Sam was his only constant right now. He’ll just have to keep a handle on it until they can take care of Chuck. Set around s15e4 Atomic Monsters. 

Whatever it Takes (1,875): Gadreel's possession of Sam has more serious side-effects than Dean ever imagined. Now, his brother is sick, hurting, and close to giving up. But Dean is determined to make this right. 

The Owl House (Gen and Implied/Background Ship - Huntlow): 2

What Doesn't Kill You (Gives You Trauma) (1,737): With the reconstruction of Hexside finally complete, a sense of normality has been restored. Fortunately, that includes Grom. Unfortunately one of their own has been declared King. Hunter doesn’t even know which fear he'll have to face. He certainly has enough painful memories for Grom to take its pick. With a bit of luck and support from his friends, though, he might just make it through the night.

Frenemies (1,737): Hunter gets a mysterious message telling him to meet them at the night market. He really should have realized Luz would be behind this. Or: Post-ASIAS, Luz doesn't like the idea of Hunter suddenly showing up at Hexside and almost kidnapping her friends.

Code Lyoko (Gen): 1

No One’s an Island (7,612): Yumi is tired. XANA's attacks have been relentless and it's wearing her down. Between school, home life, and Lyoko, she's not sure how much more she can handle. After all, there's only so much weight one person can take. Except, it's not just Yumi's burden to carry, and her friends are going to do whatever they can to remind her of that. 

Specifics:

Events Participated In:

SPN Summergen (Fic), Player Appreciation Week (Art), Weird People MEP (Edit), Dear Fellow Traveler (Animatic), SPN Gencest Bang (Fic), Fandom Trumps Hate (Art/Fic), Mirage and Mischief Zine (Fic), and LOTS of zine apps (Fic, Art, Mod).

Best/worst title?

Best title: None of them super jump out at me, but Whatever it Takes and Between the Lines of Fear and Blame both come from songs where the song vibe/lyrics match the fic PERFECTLY. The latter is a bit long for my tastes, but it’s grown on me. What Doesn’t Kill You (Gives you Trauma) makes me chuckle too, but it’s got the same length issue as well as trying out a new style from my norm which I had mixed feelings on.

Worst title: Oof, well as usual, I didn’t particularly like most of my titles this year. I think Frenemies has to take the cake though. It started as a working title but then I got lazy and just left it when I posted. It feels so generic and not... aesthetic enough? Poetic enough? Literally no idea why it bothers me so much but it does.

General Questions:

Looking back, did you write more fics than you thought you would this year, less than you thought, or about what you predicted?

I honestly can’t remember what I was expecting this year (and it’s tradition that I can’t look back at my goals ‘til I answer these questions, so it will remain unknown). I certainly hoped to be able to do more since last year was a fairly barren year creativity-wise, but I’ve also been quite aware for a while that being in school sucks out my soul makes it difficult to create. With that, I think I probably was in the ballpark of what I was expecting. I might have predicted it being more spread out, though, which is a rookie move considering that my classes are clustered haha. What pairing/genre/fandom did you write that you would never have predicted last year?

I think I’d just barely gotten into TOH at the start of the year, so that wasn’t COMPLETELY unpredictable, but I did write some Huntlow (aka, romance) fics, which is abnormal for me! Additionally, I can’t remember if I discovered The Sentinel this year or last, but that definitely wasn’t expected. Just got the DVDs so I can finish watching the series! Oh, also writing Code Lyoko was a new experience (not counting my random 6th grade fanfiction I wrote in notebooks lol).

What’s your favorite story this year? Not the most popular, but the one that makes you the happiest.

I’m split quite a bit on this one. On one hand, I really like my Grom fic (so far) so I’m hoping that will continue to flow as I wrap it up. I also like my unposted fic about Willow dealing with Hunter’s near-death and Camila comforting her. Of those that are currently posted, though, I think I might go with No One is an Island. It was a lot of fun trying to figure out how to write Yumi and the other Code Lyoko characters, and considering the small size of the fandom, it was fairly well-received too!

Okay, NOW your most popular story.

Same as the last two years! Fragmentation’s views are hard to really predict since view counts have been down since September, but the total views has officially surpassed the overall word count at 21.4k views (vs 20.7k word count). Which is AMAZING. It’s always a bit wild to me to consider, but I’m so great people are enjoying my fic. Next is still The Problem With Good Intentions at 12.6k, which surprises me less now that I’ve seen just how alive and well the Once and Future Fandom is haha. From the fics I posted this year, it would be When it Rains, it Pours at 1.5k.

Story most underappreciated by the universe?

A Letter to Never Be Read on FF.net never really got any traction, but I think I’m over it by now. As for more current underappreciated fic... I think I might actually go with When it Rains, it Pours again. Even though it had the most views, it’s a fairly long, multi-chap story and didn’t get many reviews in between chapters. That’s part of the challenge with bangs and posting dates, though, so nothing too shocking there.

Hardest story to write?

It’s really hard to say! I was struggling with burnout a lot during my zine app timeframes, but most of those fics haven’t been posted yet. It might be Whatever it Takes just cause I had such a hard time coming up with something that matched the prompts as well as my preferences. When it Rains, it Pours was also a challenge at times, but mostly in trying to find motivation to write anything.

Most overdue story?

It’s Only Natural is still very very overdue, but it’s not super popular (and is on FF.net), so it’s not one I’m stressed about. I think about A Long Ways Home a lot, though. I wanted to work on it recently, but unfortunately my writing energy needed to go towards FTH so that continued to be put off. People have left some very supportive comments on it recently, though, which I majorly appreciate!

Did you take any writing risks this year? What did you learn from them?

It hasn’t been a very writer-heavy year, which means less opportunities for writing risks. Writing for Code Lyoko was something of a risk in that I had no idea how it would turn out, but it wasn’t actually that adventurous. I also explored different types of grief in an unposted zine app piece, but I think in the end it turned out solid! My biggest risk was probably a different ficlet I wrote for a zine app. It was of young Eda and Grudgy, so both about characters I’m less invested in and in the sports genre, which is totally new for me. Unfortunately, that risk didn’t pay off. I actually felt pretty good about it, but when I sent it for feedback from a mod friend, they really didn’t like it. Everything’s subjective so it’s possible that it would still be enjoyable for some people, but suffice to say, I didn’t use it for any apps in the end.

How’d this year compare to your goals of last year?

Okie here we go! I think my goals were fairly reasonable last year if I remember correctly so I’m tentatively optimistic I’ll have some stuff to check off! 

Oof last year had a bunch of paragraphs of reflection here. I think I’m gonna focus more on bullets this year haha.

Goals from 2022:

-Unfortunately, keeping my scholarship has to be my biggest goal this year again so gonna put that here in case it's the only thing I can check off come December.

-A Long Ways Home (at least 1 new chapter) -SPN Summergen-At least 3/7 Player Appreciation Week days-Catch up on comment replies -At least do some more brainstorming for bigger CS aus -Huntlow/Owl House fics?-One zine?

If crazy inspired year: -All of A Long Ways Home -All Player Appreciation Week Days -WIP Bang with It’s Only Natural -Post More CS One-shots -Write out more big AU scenes -Other Zines

Oof, okay so apparently I was not crazy inspired this year lol. To be fair, I did do a bit more exploration in art and lots more in merch, so it wasn’t a totally uncreative year. And I doubled my word count overall from last year! Plus I did apply to a LOT of zines this year... I just unfortunately didn’t get in to nearly any of them. Next time maybe though! I’m a pinch hitter for a couple so that’s something at least!

It’s also been a year with lots of burnout and anhedonia for me, so brainstorming has been completely unachievable for most of the year. It’s been sad and I feel a little bad for my poor friends who love to brainstorm with me, but thankfully they have other sources. I’m scared to say anything, but I’ve felt more recently like maybe some interest is returning, so I’m crossing my fingers that it will still be there by the time FTH/Mirage&Mischief stuff is finished and school starts.

I actually met my goals this year too! In fact, my stretch goal had 25k posted, which I doubled in total and surpassed in written too, which is really impressive for me! Not to mention, I finished EVERY SINGLE fic I wrote this year!! That’s WILD for me. To be honest, it’s probably more a sad reflection on how I was writing purely for external deadlines rather than myself, but hey! Still got them all done and wrote a lot of words. Overall, thank you last year Sakarrie for keeping things achievable cause I actually did meet/exceed my goals! 

What are your fic writing goals for next year?

Well, I was a little relieved to find that I’d met them this year, so I think I’m going to try to keep things not too high again. Overall, though, I think I want to have a little more room for creative freedom in what I’m writing this year. For how little creative work I was doing, I did a TON of events, and at many times, those obligations stopped me from working on something I was feeling more inspired by. My fandom interests jumped all over this year (main focuses include: TOH, Merlin, Code Lyoko, The Sentinel, Dragon Prince, She-ra, Handplates (Undertale), and Centaurworld). Honorable mentions to Amphibia, SPN, and Miraculous Ladybug too... and that’s all just the stuff I’ve had long hyperfixations on this year. There’s tons of fandoms outside of those that also grabbed my attention on and off this year.)

Anyway, my hope is that I’ll be able to write similarly or more this year, but based on my own fickle inspiration, rather than only writing when I hate to for events. With that, I think I’m going to just stick with the Gencest Bang and zine obligations as the only writing events I’m planning on this year. I also hope to do Player Appreciation Week and Summergen again, but both of those could be art if needed. 

I also 100% failed in my comments goal from last year, but my mindset is slowly getting healthier I think. I do leave comments occasionally, but they still feel like way bigger deals than they should be. I’m getting better at letting old tabs go, though! I’m also fairly behind on responding to comments of my fics, but that one’s a lot more manageable.

Additionally, I want to have a pinned post on my tumblr page and ao3 profile page where people who are interested can see my current status on projects. I don’t expect it would be updated all the time, but it might help me keep track of everything.

Okay so! Goals for next year: -Have a solid zine portfolio -Make pinned update post -Post at least 4 stories -Embrace/follow the inspiration -Finish first draft A Long Ways Home -Gencest Bang -Summergen Exchange -Code:Swap -Player Appreciation Week -Apply to more zines

So, finally work counts goals are...

Easy Goal Word Count Goal: 20k (at least 10k posted)

Stretch Goal (aka, if I don’t die from school agAIN): 60k (at least 30k posted)

Ultimate 2021 Word Count Goal: 38k

[msofficerr]

Mom, I Never Liked Rambutan

It is the breakage of everything; the brink where the sides of the world were diverged, splitting the distance between safety and fatality. The wiggly lines means disorientation and when one opens the creaks, there is this white sweet lime strengthened by its seed within. At first, this description makes sense out of nothing, then there comes the strike of realization. For when this round clear jelly— from its breakage and wiggly lines— touched the bud of one’s tongue: its taste is indistinguishable. Bitter, sweet, addicting, or softly sugary and as one gulps the whole thing, the decision is to either get another one or never taste it again.

And yes, I am talking about rambutan. The fruit that I was eating back when I sat myself in silence while the whole world resides in their own dead quiet isolation. It was not in my best interest to evaluate rambutan months ago but I gathered I did not adore its fruit-worthiness. Now, I have the same set I am trying to ensue on my enjoyment as I compose this. However, today was all braving heat of sun and honking cars.

You see, what had transpired last 2020 changed the course of the curve. No analytics had anticipated the rebirth of the plagued renaissance other than COVID-19 and its first appearance in China, now unto its worldwide domination. Lift up a rambutan and scrutinize its circumference, the vision is the same. Red and uncertain. I remembered the time this fruit was called out in an article bemusing a Sci-fi movie as they tagged it as an alien fruit. It was correlative, as this pandemic prior to its name's popularity, was all foreign to us only then one day scientists showed a picture of a virus that we were all required to observe precautionary measures with— physically likewise to what I was holding now, except that it is edible.

Not a blink of an eye, you see death. Not even a squint of mourning, you are instructed to burn the ashes of someone who was just talking to you a week ago. Not a breath, your normalcy becomes prohibited with certain healthcare tips. Not a walk outdoors and someone in the smallest unit of government will tell you to stay back home where you caged yourself for almost six untethered months.

I was 16 by then but this moment did not allow me to see, breathe, and wend on my own. The only thing I could do is watch then look away, become distant as I cannot burden my family for being infected, froze hoping this will end, kill my time that I am not even sure if it was still ticking, and of course, ate a rambutan that my mother cleaned for almost 15 minutes of food sanitation.

I knew it was not safe but how would I know if I would just look at it? Then, I came to break it in half, only that— just like the surge of a pandemic— my mother did not inform me that this would be a hard task. I got the right stamina for a woman to simply open this but glory be to the strength I have lost for not doing any locomotive tasks for over two years it almost took me 10 minutes to hear its first submission to the forces of my fingers. It cracks and screams and weeps and all I can decipher from its crumbs is that I am now allowed to eat it.

I disown the fact that I lost track of myself during the pandemic. Everyone does. It comes crashing down to our collective seasons of unmoving bodies. I am not confessing this, but the rambutan in front of me was almost as if it was seeking an answer, so I must reveal myself honestly: pandemic is a real tough enemy to affront. Without forewarning, your energy is sucked right into the void and your life still continues— it cannot halt and when the clockwork of time does that, it only signifies that you have to move. I did today but I did not back then, you did today but you did not back then. We are in the same phase of the age-eldering era when people choose to sacrifice everything, to gudgeon themselves around the cages of martyrdom as they walk, work, and cope to what was losing, and outside, they were praying to not catch anything soon as they come back home.

“Oh, ano nabuksan mo na?” my mother asked me. I just nodded and smelled the fruit. It does not reek anything but I was scared with the possibility of tasting it knowing I might have chosen a spoilt one. Nostalgia hits at its aroma and suddenly I was a teenage dirtbag again scrolling to endless dimensions of social media. LED lights imprinted on my eyeball as I stare directly at my notes or as I watched this country fall at the hands of government non-urgency, no health plans, and the declining economy. Noise filled my eardrum as I heard the voices of hopeless help, the dearth of what Catriona glorified as silver lining through predicaments. I cannot confidently say that I survived but when conflict hit the fan, I was blown away with many whirlpools of contentions. It was a catch-22 scenario for everyone, even for the ones I loved. This is not a radical take but an positivistic observational approach of view-finding society through obvious lenses: everyone who we trusted our selves into betrayed and has bound the lines of our patience. When we become impatient, we cannot wait, and can only pace by our own without help for those who must have assisted or at least minimize the growing spread.

It did not happen and as my teeth surfaced the slime of rambutan— it tasted bitter and something about its chewability goes to my intolerable fathoms about food. That even if I tried it for second-tasting, my satisfaction is nowhere. It was rotten or if not, a letdown according to the standards of my mouth. Disappointed I was, I did not continue munching it.

That was the trial one. So, I picked up another with an intricate analysis of which among the set of rambutans may or may not be the stomach-friendly. From that, I was holding another; pale, dark red wiggles, and with an oddly specific smell.

Supercuts of regaining back the normal setting occurred in my mind, it was not fun because as desperate as I was on my second try for my first taste of rambutan, our situationship must come to its novelty and everybody agrees for it is already the truth of our reality. With a crippled era of baseless healthcare administration and the masterstrokes of our personal misdirection, each of us faced a hard decision to embrace a pandemic-configured setting which will become our eventual lifestyle. From education, technology, methods, and many fields, these scoured the pounding challenges of what must be followed under restrictions.

The moment we are slightly allowed to go back on the lives we left since, most of what has been inflicted throughout our silent days cannot be undone just by masking ourselves and covering our bodies with sanitary propositions. The fact is already ingrained that, from all which has deluged our customs, is now altered with something new. To me, that is another demise of something you must also surmount. To me, it felt as though I am coping again— only that I was not isolated and I am now out and about, forced to get up from a slump which almost figured to become the focal point of my life. It was yet again the unfamiliarity of feelings, trying to determine whether such things are possibly leveled at your gauge or any other of your mental bandwidth. This yet contests blind faith, then you are back praying to come back home without a stress of noise, without the introversive drifting from reality, believing that this time, you must not lose yourself as you morph anew from the stark phases brought by the virus.

Then, I broke the outer layer again revealing the same old reflective glassy fruit inside the menacing look of rambutan. Across was my mother doing her nails, waiting for my judgment. My teeth fanged and this rambutan was cold. It was its first good impression that although I had felt an opt-out touch to what was becoming new around my surroundings— my breath warmed my frozen ground then I was able to savor this new rambutan again. My face taunts that the taste was sweet, so did the smile of my mother when she confirmed her choices are still as better as this second try.

You are like this too. Trial after trial in times of questionable ideals brought forth by unprecedented happenings of your life. The same vision flashed between these moments of playing the rambutan’s jelly on my mouth and the moments I have had up until this date and forward. I have kept myself to waves of everything. Unfortunately, my whole becoming revolves to the dates when the pandemic was a monster in the hill and the axis of myself circles on my epiphany of what everyone has become: stronger and resilient. Albeit hurdles, we have known to others than ourselves— that when we have already the chance of walking the streets with minimal threats of virus, there comes the birth of modern renaissance. The art of helping, the compassionate artistry of selflessness. It was a painting of what we have become and you are like this too. I became my own and so everyone managed to break the rules of their limitations.

This pandemic, in its apex bitterness, is a sweet release from the prison of our old conventions. We become fugitives from isolation and almost everything good breaks into its platooning color once again.

After three years of widespread fear, something inside my personal leaning braved. I was chewing the sweetness of every bit of this rambutan. It was a real journey. This is my kind of honesty where I can almost feel the brushes of my tongue when I am enjoying a food, especially a fruit.

Of all elation and satisfaction, I chewed harder, forgetting one of rambutan's core parts: its seed. My teeth crashed right through it and it was not calcified enough to fight its solidity. Now, the sweet taste is not there and next thing I know my gums are bleeding. The sugar turned rusty and I could only taste blood.

I spat the whole roundness of rambutan in front of my mother's pedicure kit, revealing the redness I just spewed from the insides of my flesh. Something is coming.

After a momentary joyous bliss, I have become red as the rambutan’s body. A vision then occurred to me but it is just a sighting, a mere provoking prospect of unlived life. Despite the sweetness I confessed to enjoy, I came to a sense that I will not proceed to chew some of its bits.

This bleeding mouth and fazed tongue, there comes another impression; “Ayaw ko pala.”, I said at the verge of confusion on my mother’s face. No more, I was not hoping for a third trial.

[ancient-reverie]

I'm very tired of barely functioning every day. it's not a good life. I don't get to do anything that makes me happy. I don't get to do the things I want to. on top of that it's so frustrating when I say this to the people that live in the house with me, aka my family, and they just give me a blank stare.

this ended up being a full rant sorry

or my brother feels guilty but does nothing about it except... he internalizes that guilt and he turns it into a 'well now I feel bad because you made me feel guilty even though the reason I feel guilty is because I choose not to do anything to help when you talk to me and I'm too much of a coward to own up to that and say fuck off or change and help you. and also my empathy range is so much higher than everyone else's because my autism is so much worse bc our mom said so. so right now you're attacking me and I'm going to mope and be sad about how I am and how you are and play videogames and say "sorry" and forget this conversation happened. and maybe cut myself bc I'm such a horrible person for this' sort of fucking deal.

tired of building up courage over days to ask my mom if she can help me with chores. only to let her push back until I relent and say "it's okay I'm not trying to make you do anything you don't want to" "I'm not gonna make you do that" "i dont actually have to do that it's fine *very much needs to do it*" and end up not getting help at all. I almost don't ask because she just acts like she's super busy when she isn't. she also can't understand why it's so hard for me to do basic things. she also doesn't understand that it's hard for me to do said basic things constantly. like every single thing every single day is a struggle.

I'm constantly saying "I can't do anything today" or "I didn't do anything today" and she smiles and says "oh I have days like that! they're soooo nice when I don't have to do anything!" or "it's okay, some days are like that. it's like a vacation. it's a day off" shut up shut up shut up you fucking tone deaf fucking-

and my dad has good advice and is capable but he is busy, and our source of income and the reason our house is in one piece physically for the most part. I also say he's capable but both my parents are in their 60's and he's got some last health things that still get to him sometimes so I really try not to burden him with my shit.

but I can't function on my own. I really need a physical body next to me that can help me. and it's not a one-way street. I genuinely get more energy and willpower to function when I have someone there with me. they sometimes don't even have to physically do anything. and half of them helping is them letting me do stuff for them.

I'll cook if you say you're hungry which means I eat too.

I'll take a nap with you if you ask me to.

I'll go for a walk and sit outside if you make the first move.

I'll clean if you start.

I'll do laundry if you suggest it and help me take it to the laundry room.

And it took me a while to learn this but I'm not co-dependant for wanting this.

I'm a disabled human who is neglected and alone. I'm a human being, which is a social mammal that requires others of its species to survive. It's quite normal to want this and it's very necessary to good health to have it.

[regretsofalifeandlovelost]

The real gang bang

Over the next few weeks I find myself going to the sex swing several times per week. I find myself drawn to the being taken advantage of. At the time when this was happening in my life I felt that it suited where my mental state had become entrenched, It had just clocked over a year since I split with my partner, I was still living with my Sister and her Husband. I couldn't afford to live in my own place and be a commutable distance from the kids school and friends. My partner and I had agreed that the split would be permanent but we were still catching up a few times a month to fuck.

I found myself masturbating and thinking about my Sisters husband except when I was being tied up and fucked senseless. There's no love, it's just a primeval lust, the need to reproduce, to be filled with cock that brings me back. It makes me feel needed in a world that I feel alone and filled with lust.

I get home late, it's around 11 and my Sister and her Husband are still up. They ask me to join them on the lounge and I do, apprehensively, I wonder if this is the "talk" where they ask me to find my own place, or they say that I am being too much of a burden.. I am filled with dread. Instead they tell me that they are going to have a big party at their place and it's not going to be kid safe. I need to make sure that my ex-partner has the kids for this weekend, they said that I should attend.

They go on to explain that before I lived there they used to have a once a year nudity/nudist gang bang party where everyone would be naked and it was basically a great big free for all fuck fest. Going on they said that everyone else except me and one other female are partnered up, but it would be a fun day/night. I agreed that the kids wouldn't be suitable and then said that i would make sure they were not there. I then went to ask why they wanted me there, they went on to tell me that I had looked down and out lately, constantly sad and it was a bad juju in the house. They went on to tell me that even the kids had asked them "What's wrong with Mum"... This tore at my heart and when they asked what is actually wrong and why had I become so insular and withdrawn..

I burst out in tears and told them that I feel so alone, so so so very alone. I had slid into a world where I had been regularly tied up and fucked. They looked on with concern and listened. After an hour my sister said that she would need to get some drinks, her Husband said that he needed to work early and said his good nights. We drank and talked until the sun was up and the kids alarm was going off.

After the morning routine we decided to get a few hours sleep then to invite the guy over here for my sister to see him. He arrived at 1 so we had around 2 hours before the kids would start to get home. We slid into the Jacuzzi and talked before to my shock my sister took him out to the sofa, coming down to straddle him while he sat, it was about a minute and a half before she was getting off and milking his cock all over his chest. He said how "whatever you did with your pussy is next level amazing".. I asked him what she had done, he said she was squeezing his cock's head somehow as she was grinding her pelvis into his.. my sister told me she was pressing the cock of his head against her cervix, she went on to tell me that it's something you can only achieve when they have a really long cock and laughed. She asked me to try, She guided and helped me and then we found the splot, as I moved my hips his cock was felt almost pressing into the front near the cervix and again I could feel him build up and then I got off and milked his cock.. Witihin 10 minutes he had cum twice. My sister then told him to "fuck off"... I was taken back by that, its not the language she would usually use but it was pretty cool to see her being more assertive.

She then wiped up all the cum over the sofa and put the covers in the wash before getting dressed. She then said she had an idea, when the kids got home we would go out to a place she called "the panel"... It was my surprise.. The kids got home and we got them fed, helped with the home work and then let them watch TV while we got dressed up to look our "hottest".. We then waited anxiously for her Husband to get home, as soon as he was in we flew out the door. She drove across the city to an odd place, it looked like a brothel but it had a sign saying "The Panel" which seemed like an odd name for an establishment of that type. As we walked in it was more like a bar, a very small bar and we had to pay to enter and it had a strange vibe. We both sat on the bar and had a drink before someone came up with our number and said it's time.

We followed the host out through a small door and were told to get ready. I had no idea what was going on and followed my sisters cue. It was then she said that this was a sex club with a difference. It was a brothel where we were the girls about to be bid on. As I came up onto the stage I was nervous, as the lights came on I couldn't see but the guys started to cheer. I was asked to introduce myself and I stupidly used my real name, the questions came thick and fast..

What type of pussy do I have..

What position do I love it

What's the most kinky thing I've done

Eventually someone offered a thousand dollars for my company and I left the stage. I was sitting next to the guy when my sister came up and went through similar, then she was offered the same amount of money, as she was about to leave the stage someone offered more and then it went crazy. I looked across and saw that it was my ex-partner who was bidding, I didn't recognise the voice, maybe it was someone who just looked similar because the voice was that far different. I went back to the guy who bid for me, he just wanted to talk and get naked, so we went to the private room and got naked and chatted, he was 70 and lonely, he told me so many nice things about my body and really made me feel good about myself. I was in a state of happiness when he said it was time for him to leave because his ride was going.. He offered me his phone number and said if you just want to chat call... I agreed and said I would, not sure why but he felt comforting.

I put my clothes back on and slowly made my way back to the main room. It was now about 2am and my sister was waiting for me. She was so happy when she saw me and said tonight was all creeps. As we got back to her car she said that my ex-partner was her winning bid.. she said she didn't fuck him but he wanted to masturbate and cum on my face, she said no so he just masturbated while he talked about himself. I said that sounds familiar, I said he must have only got through one or two sentences with his premature ejaculation.. she laughed and said she didn't know how I could have ever been with him, everything about him his repulsive. I had to agree, but my mental state wasn't in the right place. I told her nervously that I was still meeting up to fuck him every now and then, she said she would prefer a dildo.. we laughed.

When I got home I checked my messages, I saw a message from my ex-partner saying that my sister's a dirty slut and that we are made for each other.

A few weeks later was the event weekend and the kids were away. A few guests arrived on Friday for the Saturday event, out of town people who I had met in passing before but only now got to know. When Saturday came I was initially very nervous to be completely nude so I started with a nice Peter Alexander silk feeling top, opting to leave the buttons undone so that I wasn't completely nude or dressed. After about an hour it was left off...

It was nice to just walk around naked, the air was warm, the sun bright and the bodies all different. I caught myself fixating on various people's bodies, all of the guys nicely circumcised, almost everyone hair free and looking beautiful. By mid afternoon people had started to look towards the gang bang aspect of the event and people had found themselves a place where the lounge and TV would usually reside. As people started to make out and play around the various groups of people filtered inside, I was surprised when a girl put her arm around my shoulder and then came in to kiss, it was so sensual and hot, i reciprocated and we started to make out, her hands so elegantly caressing my body, her touch so tender and amazing. Then someone else came in from behind, kissing up and down my neck, down my spine to the top of my bum, down my legs, it was so sensual I was having trouble standing without getting the giddy feeling. This is when my phone started to ring, and ring and ring, whoever it was wouldn't stop calling, I was hoping that the battery would go flat and it stopped ringing.

I didn't know who was kissing me from behind, but it was so arousing, the girl making out with me was phenomenal and the whole touch and body connectedness was taking my arousal to the next level. With one hand I was now caressing her breast, the other was stroking up the inside of the guy kissing my neck's leg. The two of them holding me up, their bodies pressed against mine, the intensity and warmth glowing between us. I was interrupted by my partners sister busting in worried that something had gone wrong.. after a momentary lapse in everyone's concentration they continued while I had to go and tell her to leave or get in on it.. She was drunk and decided to get in on it.. I didn't pay much attention to what she was doing, returning quickly to where I was.. The guy was Wayne and it was his wife Bridgette who I was with and their experience and tenderness was off-the-charts. They ushered me to join them on the Matt where Bridgette was keen to lick my pussy, Wayne was going to go with the flow, As I put my leg's up for Bridgette's head Wayne initially started by massaging her back and occasionally sliding his fingers into her pussy, I wondered what it would be like as I lay theere enjoying her expert lips and finger movements.. I asked her to go 69 and she quickly obliged. Seeing her pussy come down above my head was almost climax inducing, I said how hot her pussy was and she said it was the same as mine, a beautiful innie with just the smallest reveal.. I felt hotter than I had felt in a long time, if my pussy looked that good I was happy. As my tongue found her clit, her taste was magic, it was almost as though she had flavored it. Her clit was quick to pop out in all its glory.. It was so hot, her juices flowing and then her orgasm, I was wondering what was delaying mine as her pussy quivered above my eyes, her juices dripping onto my chin. It was then that I realised that her head was against my leg, I asked her if she was okay and she said yeshhheehe.. she was just so focused she had to stop.. I continued and she restarted, then Wayne's cock came in above me, telling me to keep on the clit as he fucked her. Looking at his dark olive circumcised cock with a big bend in it work it's way into her pussy from that angle will stay with me for the rest of my life, it was so hot i had to keep my tongue working her clit.. I could feel it push out with each thrust of his cock, his balls occasionnally smacking my forehead. It was so hot and she came again quickly, then I came, it was like a block dropping on me, my hip suddenly bucked up with sudden force, It surprised me and my pussy squirted , it was like a wave running through my body with all of the wave like moments, the sudden change had lost Wayne, I could see his balls rise and his cock jolt with each shoot of his cum.. Her pulled out to let the creme pie come down over her clitoris hood and into my mouth, her muscles squeezing more of it out with each thing. His cum and her juices so arousing as her tongue worked my clit I came again, this time more conservative, but equally intense if not more.

Bridgette slid off and lay next to me on the floor, telling me that was amazing. Wayne on the other side. All three of us looking up at the roof. I wondered what she was doing, I popped my head up to see my partners sister sitting on the bench in the kitchen with a glass of wine, her legs spread and her finger playing with her clitoris as she drank like an observer. My head slumped back. We lay chatting for a few minutes before another guy came over to ask if I was interested, from where I sat all i could see was his monster circumcised cock hanging down. I said let's make out and we did, he said he liked the taste of Bridgette's pussy on my mouth as we kissed. That was hot. Another guy came over and asked to join and before long I had three guys all touching me while I kissed one. I wanted to get them all to cum on me so offered to suck their cocks while their partners watched, they agreed and I sucked them all off until they came all over my face. By the end of the day I had sucked or fucked all of the guys there and several of the girls. I was exhausted and looking forward to bed by about 9pm.

I was disappointed to find my ex-partners sister asleep in my bed, but didn't have the energy to do anything. As I pulled the blankets back I realized she was naked but went into the bed anyway.

[thewaywardbrujawrites]

.: The Breaking Point :.

( This is a short story inspired by a night terror I had today. And a bit by The Rookie xD Writing is therepy <3 )

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I smelled it before I saw it, as I walked through the sliding doors of the building, my heart sank. My eyes moved back and forth, and I scanned the area with the eyes of a police officer. My instincts where telling me something was horribly wrong, but I couldnt figure out what.

I moved slowly from area to area, store to store... I was in a mall, I remember that. The lights had been turned off, and everything was dark except the security lights. I followed the smell - the smell you cannot mistake for anything else. My body was tense, my eyes pinned ahead of me, scanning, scanning. The call had been for multiple shootings. The mall had been broken into by two vehicles, and people had been shot.

I'd been called to a shooting before, it wasnt my first, and it most certainly wouldnt be my last. I pulled my weapon out of its holster next to my hip, just to be sure that anyone wasnt going to get the best of me.

I walked briskly into one of the stores, and scanned and cleared it, another, another. The deeper I got into the mall, the stronger the smell became. It was blood, and a lot of it.

As I turned into the next store, my entire world froze. My eyes saw what my heart couldnt swallow. My brain reacted before my body did. I instinctually went into police mode, and my body tensed. I fell to my knees, and next to the person I saw. It was my Training Officer. She'd been shot, in the neck, and was bleeding profusely. My hand immediately went to her wound and I tried in vein to stop the bleeding. I used my other hand to grab my radio and I swallowed hard, I made the call "Control, 10-30, officer down." the calmness - I recall when I heard my voice later in the court proceedings gave me goosebumps. I got an answer. "All units, 10-30 officer down" Officer Down... Hearing it said back to me, made my blood freeze.

I looked at her, she was beautiful, even in this state. She was in and out of consciousness, and fading quickly, there was so much blood. "Hey- Hey stay with me" I murmured trying to keep her awake but the warmth of her blood flowing over my hands, was a burden I didnt want to carry. I kept looking around wondering if we werent alone, but my heart knew we where. Where was help? Why are they taking so long?

I thought to myself about moving her, but I couldnt bring myself to. She was safer were we where, and I had been able to at least stop the bleeding for now. The gunshot wound was deep, and it was serious. I wasnt sure she was going to survive this. "Hey, hey, chica.. " my nickname for her "Chica, stay with me."

We had a wonderful relationship, we where friends, and we where work partners, even if I was a rookie, she was a great mentor and a wonderful friend. I had lucked out with my TO, and I considered her close to family. The Police Officer in me had taken over, this was only my second shooting, and I was trying to keep my TO alive. Great.

I picked up my radio again "Where are you guys?" I called out trying to remain as calm as possible. When I got no answer I knew something was wrong. I had a tough decision to make. Do I leave and search them out or hope that they heard me.

Footsteps... They didnt sound like police, you learn the gate, the sound. I pulled out my pistol. I didnt trust them. I pointed it at the direction of the footsteps and I called out "Dont come any closer! Police!"

The smell of my TO's blood had infiltrated my nostrils now and my brain was in exact police mode. I wasnt thinking like a friend, or family I was a cop, til the end. Whoever was coming was either friend or foe and no matter what happened I wasnt going to allow them to injure either of us. I was the wall between my TO and whoever was coming.

A man appeared, and stopped when he saw my pistol. "Woah, woah." he called out, he was in civilian clothes. And he almost lost his life. "Detective Harris, I heard your call on the radio and I - " he paused when he looked down and saw the blood and the state of my TO.

I looked up, holstering my pistol. "She needs help." I murmured. The heart in me was starting to take over and I was becoming emotional. I swallowed.

Footsteps... I pulled out my pistol again, and held it by my leg, ready to fire. "Who's there?" I called out.

Detective Harris stood in front of me and my eyes locked on him. "Paramedics, officer down, she needs urgent help" he said making sure I heard him.

I put the pistol away again. I just didnt trust anyone. My heart was racing between my temples and my eyes where starting to water. I didnt remember the paramedic pulling me off of my TO. I fell in a heap on the floor. Blood dripping off of my hands, my clothes, my knees, my uniform. It was a bloodbath.

( MORE TO COME )