#excuse me while i ugly cry

[sailingshipz09]

Because @stellariders & @chicagofires are fueling this fire & I have very minimal self-control, here we fucking go.

First, let me preface this rant with the following context. This situation triggers me so much because I am a WOC in a predominantly male industry so I see myself in the struggles that Stella has been exposed to & it's simply not fucking fair. So this take will be framed from my POV...Perspective & Perception. The fact that I have to preface this rant with the above statement instead of just saying how I feel is exactly the fucking point I'm about to make 🙃

(Grab a snacky snack)

"You have to be what?"... you have to be 2x as good, work 3x as hard, to receive HALF of the recognition, praise, grace, & chances. They can fail upwards or even have a promotion fall into their hands "cough cough" whereas you have to drive yourself up the wall just to prove that you're worthy of the opportunity. Because ONE mistake can & will follow you throughout your entire career. & that constantly plays in the background, like static when it comes to Stella Kidd. & I feel like Stella knows that, which is why she came in, did her job, did it damn good, & proved that she can hang with the best of the best at 51 but it was never quite enough for some people & i wonder why. There's never been a moment where she has been above reproach or criticism. How can she be out of fear of being labeled difficult, aggressive, or hard to work with as the only "broad on truck" & let me be clear I'm using that term & phrase because thats exactly what Hermann said when she joined truck 81.... yuck! Anyway, how can she make a mistake when the few mistakes she has made have followed her. She fucked up in 7x02 why is it S10 & Casey if implying she can't come with him when Severide & squad 3 were under water because she might be to emotionally charged. (LOL excuse me but didnt you jump out of a moving firetruck when your poor Sylvie was hurt, hypocrite much?) Didn't see Brett or Violet volunteering to hop on the boat & Stella is a trained paramedic or EMT so she would have been an asset. She messed up in S8 so why did they just take away her teaching at the academy versus addressing burnout & how to prioritize her time to be able to do both, because she was & is fully capable of doing both she just needed direction & support...She made a mistake in S10 by going mia & she apologized profusely for it but it still felt like Kelly held back & almost iced her out a bit longer than necessary. But in S9 when he royally messed up she immediately took him back & told him she wasn't going to let him get away again even though it wasn't her fault, he iced her out to begin with. Oh not even touching on the fact that him icing her out in S9 absolutely fucked with her confidence in her abilities to the point she almost skipped out on the LT exam.....🙂

When her CAPTAIN no less saw her burning it on all fronts in S8.. what did he do? How did he act? Was it with compassion or care, or did he get snappy & reprimand? Did Stella argue, talk back, or provide excuses? No, instead, she took accountability for her actions & tried to do better even though she KNEW she was drowning & overwhelmed. Instead of creating a safe space for her to be like hey captain, I'm struggling prioritizing how you manage she went internal & pushed herself to the brink of self exhaustion that she could have killed herself or someone else.

So let's talk about how Gallo on the other hand came in & had his own share of potential life or death mistakes with Casey & how he was down right disrespectful to Pelham & how he was inappropriate in the attitude & tone he took with Stella when questioning her about Carver. I never saw fucking reddit think pieces on how disrespectful, cocky, arrogant or annoying he was. Nope! He got a pass & a slap on the wrist time & time again. Casey even sat down with him, bought him a beer & they talked it out. So why couldnt Stella get that same grace? Yet when Stella very respectfully told Pelham "hey hesrd you are a great ff but I'll have to see for myself" parts of this fandom erupted, calling her all types of jealousy , entitled, etc. Never once saw Stella defy Pelhams commands or undermined his leadership. I dis however see her lay her busding career down on the line for a man she barely knew but did it because it was the right thing to do.

Casey was ready to cut Gallo loose on HIS FIRST fuck up after Boden told Casey he didn't want him at 51 because he was reckless. Had it not been for Boden providing Casey with Gallos' backstory, he would have cut him loose, i believe. Funny how Boden had to tell Casey about Gallos family history but Stella took it upon herself to try & work with & get to know Carvers backstory AFTER Boden, her mentor, her father figure & CHIEF told her who her next replacement on 51 was going to be.... Funny how the most turnover truck saw in 10 years was Jimmy, Gabby (chose not to return to truck) & Otis yet Stella is 2.5-3 years in & she's had to navigate through Mason, Gallo, Gibson, while dealing with shit from Carver & Damon.... you see the picture I'm painting here!?

Correct me if I'm wrong, but outside of Carver... who else has Boden forced his officers to take on their rig when they were explicitly against it..... I'll wait. Oh, but because "he's 51 material," you have to find a way to manage his bullshit & if you rewatch S11, Carver had a lot of BS. And I know we like Carver now because they abandoned the I have a crush on my married LT storyline, but I had actually forgotten how bad he was as an EMPLOYEE!

He is hot tempered & showcased high levels of aggression & anger in the workplace. Imagine Stella getting upset & punching or throwing things. Yelling at her LT or engaging in behavior that would have landed her in jail. Did we forget that this incident in S12 is Carvers' second physical altercation with a civilian... Never thought I'd be referencing Emma Jacobs, but one incident in the file is a hiccup.. two looks like a pattern of him not being able to control his temperament. We've seen Stella drunk ONE time because she'd been transferred out & they acted like she was being biligerant (go back & watch the scene & just look at how they're looking at her). Carver, however, is allowed to get drunk thrown in jail, call his LT to bail him out & Stella's supposed to what? Take it, leave her damn job in the middle of the night just for him to not be apologetic at ALL & then tell her oh this needs to stay been us. LMAO EXCUSE ME WHAT!!!!? & it would be one thing if this was a one off but AGAIN nope later in the SAME season he didn't just get himself into a physical altercation but dragged Gallo, Mouch, & Ritter into it also because he refused to REGULATE & walk away.

But wait, there's more. Remember how he went off on his LT in the locker room because he was upset & then proceeded to get drunk & call out on one shift & NCNS on another leaving her with no time to find a decent floater... & even after Kelly explicitly told her that she would lose no respect if she cut him loose, what did she do... she went to his apartment to check on him, make sure he was alright & gave him ANOTHER chance. Matt Casey, Kelly Severide & Hermann would absolutely never & I'm not saying it's a bad thing that Stella gave him so many chances what I'm saying is i don't feel like her reasoning behind all the chances were actually her own but more so rooted in not wanting it to be a failure on her part in the eyes of Boden. & that for me is problematic as hell.

Even in S12... for Carver to get into that restaurant brawl & immediately take furlough afterwards was just such a cowardly move because here you are AGAIN leaving your LT high & fucking dry on truck during a crirical time no less with Boden being up for that promotion!

Now, moving into this Damon storyline, I'm going to reserve a majority of my thoughts until we actually get to see it play out. However, one thing in the finale that was alarming to me was Stella's conversation with Violet. I interpreted it as Stella had all intentions of cutting Damon loose. He was a floater, she owed that man no loyalty & she specifically said she was in no rush to lock anyone down permanently after the Gibson issue. However, again, it felt like Stella decided to keep him on longer because of other external factors. ie: Carver leaving her high & dry again & Kelly seemed to like him. Those to me aren't good enough reasons because she's not making decisions that honor her experience with this man rather than those around her.

The reality is that Stella could have lost her command or even worse because of that brawl. That man could have reported them to the CFD brass, called the cops, blasted them in the media & SUED the CFD. & the first thing they would have asked Stella was why she did not have control of the scene or her direct reports. They would have hung this on her & the old hags at CFD would have been like see this is why women shouldn't be officers." Blah blah blah. The repeecussions would have been so much greater for Stella & could have derailed what shes worked so hard for & the fact that Carver & Damon don't get that irks me because they should have NEVER put her in that position to begin with. You don't bring reproach on your leader especially when your leader has run through walls to protect you, bailed you out of jail, hell thrown herself on top of you to shield you from a blast, etc.

& so in conclusion my next gripe is with the writers & showrunners because I wonder if they know. I wonder if they know & they're choosing to reinforce these stereotypical experiences without effectively addressing them. I wonder if they know that they're not romanticizing it all & that its not cute or funny but infuriating that it feeds a part of this fanbase that's actually disgusting & rooted in misogyny. Or maybe they don't know & it's a mixture of unconscious bias/ ignorance.

Regardless, it's 2024 & I'm tired of it! 😫 I'm all for showing the reality & challenges that women or woc in the CFD face on a day to day but I feel like why not use it as a platform to show that just because it's embedded in the systems doesn't make it right nor does it make a requirement for Stella or any other female officer to have to endure the shit. She should be able to fucking fire or discipline Carver, Damon or whoever on HER rig without being questioned on whether or not her emotions or personal experiences are clouding her judgment because she's earned that right. She studied, she worked her ass off, she took the test, she passed & she's the LT. She shouldn't have to explain why she gave Carver or anyone certain assignments because guess what? No assignment is too big or small when lives are on the line, right? She shouldn't have to feel obligated to keep Damon on her rig just because now he's her long lost BOL that withheld the truth from her his LT & even when he decided to come clean it wasn't to her his LT. I am praying that is not the narrative they push in S13 but tbh I wouldn't be surprised because they've already set the groundwork for it. She shouldn't have to explain her reasoning or endure another year of unprofessionalism on her rig all because the patriarchy will get upset that a woman is leading/ discipling men. Reading the comments on how Stella was disciplined then in the finale really bothered me because yall can't be serious! Stella had ever right to be upset, to express that frustration & disappointment with them because at the end of the day, that was her scene, her fire fighters & her responsibility as the officer in charge.

It feels like the men on the show are allowed to have their emotions, their traumas, their demons & it be brushed over or romanticized with little to no consequence. However, that same grace is not extended to the strong female leads that have just as much trauma, pain, or demons. They vilified Gabby for hers & they try to do the same to Stella. it's not fair because if they were males, we wouldn't have the conversations of "Stella leading Grant on" "Stella putting people lives in danger" or "Stella's on a powe trip & has let her rank go to her head"

I know that was a lot & if you made it to the end of this rage rant, thank you. This has been something I've been sitting on since S11 & tbh it feels good to get it out! 🥹

[bloodmaarked]

➫ monthly book round-up: june 2024

books read: 11 [+57%] average rating: 3.85 [+23%] average speed: 6.5 days [-7%] total pages: 3,583 [+31%] yearly goal progress: 39/50 [78%] best of the month: babel, or the necessity of violence: an arcane history of the oxford translators' revolution, r.f. kuang worst of the month: the first woman, jennifer nansubuga makumbi

5* reads:

quiet: the power of introverts in a world that can't stop talking, susan cain

babel, or the necessity of violence: an arcane history of the oxford translators' revolution, r.f. kuang

4.5* reads:

the thursday murder club, richard osman

4* reads:

excuse me while i ugly cry, joya goffney

enola holmes and the black barouche, nancy springer

loud black girls, yomi adegoke + elizabeth uviebinené

3.5* reads:

minor detail, adania shibli

3* reads:

the list, yomi adegoke

circe, madeline miller

2.5* reads:

the first woman, jennifer nansubuga makumbi

DNFs:

back to black: black radicalism for the 21st century, kehinde andrews

currently reading:

dracula, bram stoker

the other black girl, zakiya dalila harris

[just-a-jade]

Time to start something new

[avocadotoast0]

I wasted so much time living in fear that I thought I was comfortable, but I was writing in a cage that I didn't know existed, making lists of all my worries with no intent to do anything about them.

- excuse me while I guy cry by joya goffney

[whatbreeread]

kissing carter feels “like it doesn’t matter if this is all a game, because i must be winning if i get to kiss him”

[lesbianspeedy]

Chris Samnee’s variant covers for Green Arrow Vol. 7 #6 & #7

[youhavereachedtheendofpie]

currently emotional over how rogue one-era cassian probably never thought that he personally had or could have or even deserved to have a future

[onwardnroyalty]

[starrspice]

I just binged all of Good Omens in like 2 days and I am NOT normal

[avoicebehindthestars]

*giving "Our Flag Means Death" a go*

Oh, okay, I can see why it's so popular with GO fans. The protagonist's basically Aziraphale only goofier. The humour's more absurd, the stakes are lower. Yeah, this will do perfectly for a nice therapeutic watch after the Final Fifteen.

.

..

...

....

.....

......

.......

*post ep 9*

...fuck.

[bloodmaarked]

excuse me while i ugly cry // joya goffney

first published: 2021 read: 04 june 2024 – 06 june 2024 pages: 352 format: paperback

genres: fiction; young adult; romance (black couple); coming of age favourite character(s): easily olivia least favourite character(s): destany rubbed me the wrong way start to finish lol

rating: 🌕🌕🌕🌕🌑 thoughts: i think i had high expectations for excuse me while i ugly cry given the high praise, as well as how much i loved confessions of an alleged good girl earlier this year. while it wasn't nearly as good, probably due to it being her debut, i still had a really lovely time.

it was a really heartwarming story and i loved the themes of self-discovery, being yourself rather than the person others think you are, and being vulnerable with other people. in a sense i could relate to quinn who, like me, internalised a lot of her thoughts and emotions (albeit in the format of a journal) and felt some pressure to be a particular version of herself around her friends and family. her growth throughout the story was so wholesome. i also liked the discussions around race and while it was quite on the nose on occasion, i do think there was a good degree of nuance and i liked the key reminder that black people aren't a monolith.

for the most part i enjoyed quinn and her crew. olivia was a standout for me and i loved her confidence, her sense of self, and how much she stood with quinn. carter took some time to grow on me to be honest, and i was sort of apathetic towards him for the most part. i saw in the author's note that joya had written him to be far more toxic in the early drafts, and i think i could still feel that from his character a little lol. i think what i liked most about him was how quinn grew in relation to him and how she handled their relationship ups and downs. auden... was there, i guess? he was definitely way underdeveloped and the least strong of the main friend group.

i think confessions just touched me more, i don't know what it was about it but i really felt it in my heart (and i highly recommend it)! but i did enjoy ugly cry, and will be keeping an eye out on what she does from now on. my week with him is already on my tbr, so hopefully i can get to that one before the end of the year and complete her full collection!

[truearchangel]

❝ you're not alone. you'll never be alone. not as long as i'm here. ❞

@themosthatedbeingg IN CASE YOU DIDN'T KNOW

   “Is that why you’re sitting in here holding that ugly violin?” Alright, not a good way to start any sort of engagement, but still. He couldn’t not look at that thing. Seriously, did Lucifer really believe a solid gold violin was the right choice? Even white would have been better. That thing was horrifying to look at. “White and gold, so much more appealing.” 

   Michael shifted a bit on the floor and gave a small sigh, leaning back against the wall and bumping his head on it. He is not usually the one that gets overwhelmed or upset. Between the two of them, he holds himself together as tightly as he can so he can focus on Lucifer. That’s the way it’s always been. He crushes down his emotions, hardens his heart, and tries to ease the burden on his brother’s own. Since Lucifer was the type of person to easily fall into everything he was feeling and lose sight of what’s around him. 

   So it’s weird when the situations are reversed. 

   Not that he expected his twin to even bother to go looking for him. He does have a room in the hotel, Charlie had given it to him. He mostly uses it for storage, he doesn’t sleep. Lately though, he’d pushed that a bit too far and he had passed out on the desk in the room. An hour maybe, just long enough for his head to shut off completely, but not enough that he apparently doesn’t dream. His mind must have been playing tricks on him, attempting to torment him. One little nightmare was all he had. 

   But the anxiety that gripped him at it was horrifying. 

   The questions that have formed in his mind, the doubt that grips his heart over Heaven, are things that no angel should ever have. Especially an Archangel and the one that God relied on the most. He knows this himself, it’s plain as day and easy to understand, he had to go back to Heaven because someone had to protect their brothers. Had to do everything that God wanted and demanded. No matter what happened down here, he had to return to the clouds. There was no choice. The nightmare had taken those thoughts and fears, twisted them around in his head, and he’d felt himself 𝙛𝙖𝙡𝙡. 

   What a horrible, bone crushing, terrifying sensation. A halo shattering, wings tearing off, unable to catch yourself. It’s a sensation that no angel ever wants to have to go through, and the reality of it is far more terrifying than some dream. Michael knows he had done it to Lucifer. That doesn’t stop the fear though. 

   When he startled himself away, by literally falling from the desk chair and landing on the floor, he did what he does best. Grabbed a pair of headphones, shoved them onto his head and tried to drown his own thoughts out with music. Sitting on the floor was an afterthought, he had just wanted to hide, another feeling he wasn’t used to experiencing. Which was where Lucifer found him, about half an hour later, huddled on the floor and attempting to burst his own eardrums with music. It was still the middle of the night, he had no idea what drove his twin to search him out. Much less with that gaudy instrument. 

   “You don’t owe me anything, I’m fairly certain it’s the other way around. If you want to leave me alone, it’s fine. I’m used to handling things on my own.” If he can shoulder the weight of Heaven, he can handle a nightmare.

[avocadotoast0]

Can’t believe I live in a world that refuses to adapt joya goffney’s books. ‘Excuse me while I ugly cry’ would be such a hit but Hollywood is ignoring it and her other books because they have black leads.

[whatbreeread]

when he looks into her eyes and loses his train of thought

[patchworkspringlocks]

We're only kids who lost our way,

But if we wait long enough then we'll be saved.

[gamergirl929]

Sami picking KO over The Bloodline, Jey refusing to help The Bloodline attack Sami just...