#eye ... (ben affleck cigarette meme)

[sunfollows]

— what does your heart look like ??

an open door, a burning hearth

your chest is wide open, and your heart is a home. others are welcomed in readily and asked to stay. you are comfort and love, everything you were never given but so desperately want to provide for others. you have built this welcoming hearth with your own two hands and won’t see anyone else left out in the cold. be careful to not burn yourself out trying to keep everyone else warm.

tagged by: @deadwar tagging: @celestialshearts @eposerta @foxmists @ratcode @notfrsale & whoever wants to do it !! tag me so i can see your results !!

[anonymouspuzzler]

WOMEN

(thanks as always to @incorrectbugsnaxquotes for inspiring many of these! also, alt text/image IDs under cut!)

[Image 1 ID: A two-panel comic of Eggabell and Lizbert. In the first panel, Eggabell is running down the stairs in a panic, shouting, "Is something burning??" In the second, Lizbert is leaning flirtatiously against the kitchen counter, wearing a frilly "Kiss the Grump" apron, with her hat and a spatula she is holding both visibly scorched and a toaster clearly erupting in flames behind her. She says, with a little heart, "Just my desire for you", while an offscreen Eggabell screams, "LIZBERT THE TOASTER IS ON FIRE".]

[Image 2 ID: A little doodle of Eggabell lying in bed with a quilted eye mask on, one arm folded over her chest, and the text "i sleep." next to her.]

[Image 3 ID: Lizbert sitting in bed, propped up by pillows, holding Eggabell in her lap with a smile. Eggabell is still wearing the quilted eye mask and is drooling slightly, with "ZZZZ" snoring sounds in the air above her.]

[Image 4 ID: A drawing of Eggabell recreating the Ben Affleck Smoking meme. She is grimacing slightly and looking unfocused out into the middle distance, holding a fry in one hand instead of a cigarette, with a package of fries and a glass soda bottle with a straw in it sitting on the balcony in front of her.]

[Image 5 ID: A drawing of Eggabell from the waist up, resting her head against her closed hand, looking exhausted. She appears to be speaking and there is a blank word balloon above her head.]

[Image 6 ID: A two-panel comic of Filbo, the Journalist, and Eggabell. In the first panel, the Journalist, facing away from the camera, is helping a visibly dizzy Filbo up. Eggabell, with a panicked expression, is running up behind them with a first aid kit under her arm, saying, "If it's a concussion, we have to keep him conscious. Ask him questions!!" In the second panel, Filbo is now sitting on the ground looking confused, with the Journalist next to him crouched with their back to the camera, holding up fingers and asking, "What's seven times seven?" Eggabell, opening up the first aid kit next to them, shouts back, "Stuff he knows!!"]

[Image 7 ID: A three-panel comic of Lizbert and Eggabell. In the first panel, they are sitting side by side on a log, staring lovingly at each other. In the second, Floofty walks by behind them loudly opening a soda can, causing Eggabell to look over in concern and Liz to look annoyed. In the third, Lizbert is looking over her shoulder saying, "We're having a moment.", to which Floofty, sipping their drink, responds nonchalantly, "And I'm having a soda."]

[Image 8 ID: A two-panel comic of Eggabell and Lizbert. In the first, Liz is laughing loudly, holding a drink bottle in one hand and shoving a nervous-looking Filbo's shoulder with the other, as Eggabell comes up behind her, places a hand on her back and says, "Lizbert, you're drunk." In the second, Lizbert, looking utterly sloshed, turns around and places a finger on the lips of an amused-looking Eggabell, slurring, "Shhhhhhhhhh. Don't tell Eggabell."]

[Image 9 ID: A simplistic, three-panel comic of Lizbert and Eggabell. In the first, Liz is picking up Eggabell, with a caption reading "1. Lift wife". In the second panel, Eggabell, still visibly in midair, picks up Liz, who has her arms in the air, with a caption reading "2. wife lift me". The final panel shows extremely simplistic renderings of them both lifting off into the sky, with a caption reading "3. flight".]

[therobinsonwayoflife]

Same energy

[fromthewondersystem]

me last month: nah i only dissociate 10-20% of the time

me now:

[Image ID: It’s the Ben Affleck smoking meme. Ben Affleck is looking out from what appears to be the top of a white building. He’s holding a cigarette in his right hand and there is a bottle on the wall in front of him directly to his left. His eyes are half-closed, and he looks tired/exasperated.]

[magnetothemagnificent]

[id: digital drawing of Aziraphale from Good Omens standing against the wall with a cigarette, in the same pose and expression as the Ben Affleck meme. He is holding a cigarette in his right hand and his left hand is in his pocked. He is leaning his head back with his eyes closed and an exasperated expression on his face. Aziraphale is a fat, elderly Southwest Asian man with warm brown skin and curly white-grey hair. He is wearing a light pink button-down shirt with one button unbuttoned, tucked into tan trousers, with brown suspenders. He is wearing dark brown dress shoes, a small silver hoop earring in his right ear, and light lilac eyeshadow. The wall is white and the floor is off-white, and there are three posters on the wall. On Aziraphale's right is a yellow poster with black text reading; "HAVE// YOU// DOMINATED// A DEMON// TODAY?". Above Aziraphale is a light blue poster with black text that is cut-off. On Aziraphale's left is a light grey poster with black test reading; "Heaven// is a// SMOKE FREE// ZONE". ]

Heaven has no taste.

[leoriowithaknife]

the duality of man

[image description] two pictures of Ben Affleck side by side. the first is a popular meme image, which is a photo of Ben Affleck standing outside a building smoking a cigarette; his head is back and eyes are closed, hand holding a lit cigarette down at his side. the second is a picture of Ben Affleck walking on a sunny day and carrying a golden lab puppy in his arms like a baby. [end of image description]

[starchildghost]

not watching tonight’s episode but reading the critrolestats twitter for the ending and already tasting the fandom arguing about it

[image: ben affleck in his meme, standing outside in a blue shirt and jeans, eyes closed, frowning, a cigarette in hand, thinking perhaps of a better, more peaceful time]

[wakingstarstuff]

Minor-ish spoilers for Victoriocity pls go listen to this show I promise it is so good this is one of my fa vorite scenes I put some unofficial scene directions? To convey the tone of the scene but honestly this doesn’t do justice to it pls just go listen to it

*at a crime scene for a murder*

Inspector Archibald Fleet: Tell me about the body.

Constable Tiller: *cheerily* Good morning, Inspector!

Fleet: *clearly not in the mood* Good morning, Constable. Tell me about the bo—

Tiller: *obliviously cheerily* Constable Tiller, sir!

Fleet: *still not having it* Good to meet you.

Tiller: It’s my first day!

Fleet: *Ben Affleck cigarette meme energy* Welcome aboard. Tell me about the body.

Tiller: *rambly* Well, second day, I suppose at this point. Or the first night of the first day. It’s the second something anyway!

Fleet: *pointedly* Tiller?

Tiller: *distractedly* Yes, sir?

Fleet: *even more pointedly* Tiller? There’s a dead body at our feet.

Tiller: *conversationally agreeing* Yes, sir!

Fleet: Tiller, tell me about the dead body at our feet.

Tiller: Of course. Coffee, sir?

Fleet: *impatient but also alarmed?* Tiller? It’s 4 in the morning. We’re in a part of town not known for a welcoming attitude to the police. And judging from the 16 people watching us from windows in 8 of the surrounding buildings, if we hang around too long there will be three dead bodies. Now tell me about Dr. Salik.

Tiller: Of course. He’s deceased.

Fleet: Right.

Tiller: He’s male?

Fleet: Anything else?

Tiller: *unsure of what Fleet wants to hear* He’s got blue eyes?

Fleet: *clearly running out of patience* Yes. Thank you, Tiller. What I meant is do we have any idea what happened to him??

Tiller: It’s not been established, sir.

Fleet: Well, he’s got a smashed in head where his head should be. Do you think that might’ve had something to do with it?

Tiller: I wouldn’t want to jump to any conclusions, sir.

Clara Entwhistle: We thought maybe a bar brawl. Didn’t we, Constable?

Fleet: Ms. Entwhistle! I thought we agreed that you would stay behind the police roping.

Clara: Was that where we left that? Anyway, I wanted to show you this appointment card I found in the victim’s pocket.

Fleet: *annoyed AND in disbelief * Give me that! Tiller! Did you allow a member of the press to examine the body and remove evidence?

Tiller: Only a little, sir! Oh! I forgot something!

Fleet: *frustrated* What?

Tiller: It’s Chief Inspector Keller! He left a message for you before you arrived. You are to report to him at once!

*Sound of Fleet smacking Tiller on the head*

Tiller: Ow! Sir!

Fleet: Where is he?

Tiller: In the wagon, sir.

Fleet: Right. Tiller, stay here and try not to keep treating this crime scene as a jumble sale—

Tiller: *unconvincingly* I will try, sir.

Fleet: *stern but professional* And Ms. Entwhistle. Behind the rope.

Clara: Of course! You won’t even know I’m here.

Fleet: (mumbles to himself as he walks away) Why do I doubt that?

[dimples-of-discontent]

You know what’s hilarious? I’m watching Friends (well, it’s on in the background) and it only takes until season 2, episode 7 for Ross and Rachel to get together (for the first time).

AND YET at the time I remember thinking—and all the cultural discussions around it also agreed—that it was taking FOREVER! Like, if you need yet another example of hetero shipping vs. non-hetero shipping having different standards.

Now, I know we in the Destiel fandom like to roll our eyes at the sweet summer children of other fandoms and ships (insert Ben Affleck with cigarette meme). And we are right, of course. But I’m curious about whether you guys think, in addition, that it’s also a genre thing or if TV has “aged out” of those expectations or something else. Thoughts?

[robotslenderman]

So hey, I realised I only told a couple of friends of how jury duty last year went, so I’ve copy-pasted (with minor editing) the shenanigans below. Content warning under the cut.

Content warning: the guy was a pedophile who tried to (keyword being “tried”) bait 13YOs into meeting up with him.

Having said that, I walked into this case expecting to be scarred for life and instead the whole thing was so ridiculous, the man was such a loser, the victims were so badass that the jury was like “this guy is a total joke.”

Especially after the fuckboy incident.

The trial ended up being pretty goddamn funny. Mostly thanks to the Crown Prosecutor, who had no fucks to give and was yelled at more than once by the judge for getting really sarcastic.

Here are things I wrote down over the course of jury duty:

The phrase, “Having sex with twelve-year-olds is overrated.”

“John* is now going to read about masturbation.”

That time we accidentally trapped two judges in a supply closet.

The random, partial handprint on the ceiling of the courtroom. Only one other juror ever saw it.

At one point I was exhausted and pretending to read from my folder and closed my eyes for a while. 

Afterwards, our jury officer went “ha ha ha I saw you but you were totally reading, right?”

“HA HA HA WHAT A COINCIDENCE YES I WAS!”

How awesome the victims are. Snips from the logs:

“Want to see a picture of my great penis?”

“What’s so great about it?”

“I love you.”

“Okay.”

“I love you.”

“I don’t.”

“Oh.”

“I’m not some Asian hooker!”

“I’m in love with you.”

“Really?”

“Yes.”

“Because you also said that to my sister!”

“I love both of you!”

“[Not amused]”

“Please block me, or I’ll keep wanting to talk to you. Thank you for helping me get over you, Nina*.”

The fact that the accused was trying really hard to be dodgy and creepy by convincing another victim to keep it secret. Meanwhile the victim was just as determined to bring him home and have him meet her family.

“I love you, Audrey*.”

“My name is Adriana*!”

Meanwhile, the face identity the police set up to catch the pedophile was as dumb as a post.

And the accused fell for it.

Then later spent half his time on the stand insisting the fake identity was so dumb that there’s no way he could possibly have thought she was really thirteen.

(No, really, he actually used that as a defence.)

One of the victims had the name of a Mass Effect character.

The “fuckboy” meme.

First conversation after being appointed to the jury, wondering if it’s too late to escape:

“What do you suppose we’d have to do to get kicked off the jury?”

“Come in wearing a badge saying ‘It’s Okay To Say No!’“

“OOOOOHHHHHHHH!!!”

Explanation: the marriage equality vote was going on at this time and the “No” campaign’s slogan was “It’s Okay To Say No [to same sex marriage]!”

One of the jurors is a middle eastern guy who grew out his stubble for a few days before the trial and glared at the barristers when they were rejecting jurors in the hope that they’d “think [he] looked like a terrorist” (his words) and get rid of him.

It didn’t work.

After he told us this, he said, “I should have grown a beard and put three plaits in it.”

Watching the slow decline of our next door neighbours’ collective mental health.

Waking up one morning to find they’d posted jury duty memes on their door.

“Waiting for the jury to come to a verdict” 

[Picture of a skeleton]

“Look at all the fucks I give” replaced with “look at all the counts we have to decide”

A picture of a group of old white guys in suits laughing their asses off, captioned with, “And then I said it’d only take fourteen weeks!”

They’ve been deliberating for two and a half months.

Every time one of my fellow jurors ran into them they came back wide-eyed and traumatised, convinced next door had totally lost it.

“Ha ha ha, you must be new here.”

Next door’s jurors often looked over their shoulder and squinted at us suspiciously if we happened to glance in their direction when they went into their room.

Rumour has it that they’d lost it so much they’d become obnoxiously perky, in that “I’m about to go insane” kind of way. I wasn’t sure about this, but later one Very Happily opened a door for me with a massive grin and a bit of eyetwitching, and... yeah, it’s totally true, they lost it.

There was also a rumour one of their walls was covered in mugshots, but I never got to see it because of aforementioned suspicious squinting and cagey behaviour.

Occasionally, between sessions, a member of the jury will, out of the blue, say, “Fuckboy” and have the entire room crack up.

“Fuckboy 2.0!”

Wincing a bit and thinking, “Man, the Defence is asking the accused some hard questions!” only for the CP to basically go “hold my beer” and totally lay into the guy.

I will never, ever in my life see anything as awesome as the Crown Prosecutor laying into a pedophile ever again. It’s over. I may as well keel over and die now. I’m amazed the accused didn’t crack because he held this guy’s balls to the fire for three days.

Ladies and gentlemen and distinguished guests, the fucking Crown Prosecutor:

“So your aim with these meetups isn’t to have sex with underaged girls, but simply to get them to agree to meet you?”

“Yes.”

“... That’s it?"

“It’s a hobby.”

“Have you considered stamp collecting?” [Gets chewed out by the judge.]

“So the pinnacle of your sexual satisfaction is when they agree to meet, is that correct?”

“Yes. At my age, I don’t need anything more.”

[Vaguely smug] “Well, here we have Jane Doe* agreeing to meet up with you. That’s the pinnacle of your sexual satisfaction, that’s all you want from this conversation, correct?”

“Yes.”

“Great! Let’s have a cigarette!”

“In this chat log, we clearly see that this woman has claimed to be fifteen years old, and you’re now telling the jury you think she was lying. Why?”

“She’s in Rwanda, and claiming to have dated many white men. That’s not possible because I’ve been to Rwanda, there’s barely any white men like me there."

“So you must be hot property in Rwanda, huh?”

[Slightly put out] “Well, actually, yes!”

The accused kept insisting that no, cybersex didn’t turn him on unless the other person was turned on, no really, honestly, truly, he would never be aroused unless they were too and this was all for his partners’ benefits! Really!

He kept doing this until the CP blurt out, “Oh for god’s sake, if you’re so damn nice, why don’t you open a charity?”

(The judge yelled at him again.)

Reading the following sentence out in a completely deadpan tone of voice, as if describing the weather: “I suggest to you that you wrote the phrase ‘I want to suck your clit and cum -- C-U-M -- inside you’ in order to obtain an erection.”

He often read out sexually explicit excerpts like this. It got even funnier every time there was a misspelling, because the CP would absolutely insist on pronouncing it exactly as it was misspelled and also spelling it out.

“The victim said she was ‘spechless.’ I think she meant ‘speechless.’“

As he read out excerpts where entire sentences were made out of internet slang, bad spelling and acronyms, you could visibly see him age.

Srsly the other jurors thought this guy was boring. Boring. What was wrong with them this guy is amazing.

Fuckboy

The deadpan, srs bsnss dry humour of the Crown Prosecutor was only made even funnier by the contrast with his counterpart (the Defence Lawyer) being flamboyant and found of flourishing his cape every time he sits down.

The jury naming the DL “Happy Jumps” because he liked to spring out of his seat every time he was addressed and, when standing, would never stop smiling. Then when he sat down again cue the cape flourish!

(Even funnier because every single moment he wasn’t standing up he knew perfectly well his client was screwed and his face reflected it.)

I Would Now!!!! :)))) Like To Address The Jury!!!! :)))) To Inform Them :)))) That I, Happy Jumps, :))))) Speak Like This :)))) As If I'm Capitalising Every. Word. I Say. :)))) Complete with lots of. Hand. Gestures. :))))) And Emphasizing Every Other Word :)))) And Pausing. Inexplicably. In The Middle Of My. Sentences. :)))) Just So I Can :)))) Smile At The Jury :))))

He talks exACTLY LIKE MY FUCKGING DAD DOES WHAT THE FCUK

Except for the part he introduced himself to us and at one point said, “As the court case climaxes, I will -- wait, advances, I MEANT ADVANCES.”

The jurors naming one of Happy Jumps’ cronies “Benny” because of how much he looked like Ben Affleck.

At one point Benny got inexplicably banished to the public gallery.

It’s okay, he was invited back to the bar table later.

The moment Happy Jumps officially doomed his own client to never being taken seriously by the jury again:

“So, your screenname here is written as JohnDoefb*. John Doe* is your name, correct?”

“That’s correct.”

“What does ‘fb’ stand for?”

[Flinches]

“?”

[Incoherent mumbling]

“Could you please repeat that louder?”

“...”

“...”

“... ‘Fuckboy.’“

The entire jury lost their shit.

(Very, very quietly.)