#farting on grandma

[itsreaditandwow2]

I'm leavin'! I'm fuckin'... asshole... leavin'! I ain't watchin' this shit, and I'm not standin' here, and you fuckin' shittin' on me!

Judy Jennings (Angry Grandma)

[jellojolteon]

Now that you've made it to the autumn of

Your years and you feel your best yet

-The Bottom of It, Fruit Bats

Izuocha week 2024 Day 6: Cycle/Miracle

[jarwithdragonteeth]

too lazy to do pretty works :) but hear me out, the draconia family must be HUGE(vertically).

[papabigtoes]

peeta rememba flapjack and bubbie and how bubbie was flapjack’s whale mom

[handern]

celtic languages are sooo cute and full of images😍🥰

instead of saying "she put her blood and tears into this" my breton grandma just said "she put all her koc'h kozh in it" which roughly translates to "she put all her might into releasing something from deep within her into the world for everyone to see" and I think it's bueatiful

[oheyfox]

I need comm examples diejrhif

[leatherbookmark]

characters who have been traumatized/hurt/etc and lash out because of it instead of internalizing it like a good little victim are very interesting and engaging as characters. but people who take every single thing you do as a personal attack? christ alive

[moefongo]

my biggest pet peeve is whenever im driving and who ever is accompanying me out of the blue screams or gasps over something they saw like buddy im nervous as fuck one sudden yell and i could end up swerving pls dont do that to me

[dykeleftinhotcar]

i need to move somewhere other than chicago purely because the people selling vintage furniture on craigslist are all from like the gold coast and lincoln park and the suburbs and have been huffing paint for like their entire rich lives and want $200 to $1000 more than any of this stuff is worth

[i-love-river-song]

im on my bullshit again

jitty

[sar3nka]

I love rats bc you can just fart next to them and they don't care

[itsreaditandwow2]

You'll get Buster.. You're gonna get Buster right between the motherfuckin' eyes you keep sittin' there shittin' on my bed!

Judy Jennings (Angry Grandma)

[papabigtoes]

Salacia gets easy control over MF solely due to the way he grabs pickle’s pill of laced speed

[angelindesigner]

That’s my mom lmao

[icarusredwings]

What things smell like according to Logan Howlett/ The Wolverine. A series of smell based headcanons. Do with these whatever you want :)

People:

Ororo: burnt marshmellows, rain, chunky chocolate chip cookies, protien shakes, spansih rice, chillies, and cocoa butter. She always smells great.

Scott: cucumber shampoo, the remaints of a bonfire the next day, fresh dry cleaning, axe shower gel, lavender sheets

Jean: caramel latte, lavender sheets, vanilla spiced chai, books, mint ice cream, fruit smoothies, stinky hair product, lemon poppy seed muffins, sassafras

Hank: Books, sanatizer, various chemicals, a very specifc fur dander, kinda musky but in a 'im covered in fur and sweaty' kind of way.

Rouge: "Dolly Parton", brick and concrete dust, cherry blossoms body spray, freshly engraved wood, strawberries and milk conditioner, spicy gaucamole and freshly sizzled sausages.

Gambit: tv static, a fresh deck of cards at the casino, spicy jumbo, gin, lime jello, hair gel, "suprisingly good actually"

Kurt: brimstone, smoke from franckinsense, myrrh, a less smelling dander then hank, Holy chrism oil (olive oil and Balsam made by catholic priests), metal, and blue raspberry. Fur/ beard pomade sometimes for special ocassions.

Morph: even when changed he can smell is sandlewood shampoo, he smells like how "Jack Outta smell", latex, pine and cedar, clear nail polish, "that ugly quilt that your grandma kept on the back of her couch that was the warmest, softest thing you've ever slept with."

Charles: Old man fart, metal, chalk, shoe polish, nutmeg, wool, "a trusting hug", books, mahogany, expensive champagne.

Laura: "teen spirit", a shitty cheap "girl power" deodorant that doesn't do well hiding the sweat, apples and peaches, kinda woodsy.

Wade: Cancer, gun smoke, citrus dish soap, blood, oranges, taco sauce, infected skin once in awhile, red dye 40, slight over cooked and crispy apple pie, sugary cereal

Puppins: wet dog, dog dander, oatmeal senstive skin puppy shampoo, chicken, "the dirtest trash she can find to roll in on her walk"

Althea: Old lady, way too strong perfumes, butter biscuits, tea, peppermint candies, more cocaine, "baby powder", lanvender linens, cotton and daisy's Landry detergent.

Feelings/emotions:

Big/serious lies: smell like Gasoline and salty sand near the sea.

Small fibs/playful/ teasing lies: smell like Anise

Lies with decent intentions/are bent truths: smell like honey

Those two are easily mixed up.

Innocent (the person truly believes it. Ex. A child saying dinos are real) truth: smells like thick vanilla creamer.

Filling, whole truths (the person knows for a fact its a truth) smells: like fresh baked rolls/buns

Cancer smells vary like: urine, nail polish remover, some people have a pungent semi sweet smell like rotting fruit, and tar is another smell, depending on which part of the body. If already in late stages, one can smell like cadavers. Even spicy almost.

Pregnant people vary in scent but he can smell the rise of different hormones: Some hormones sweeter then other. If you asked him he would say cinnamon or dying roses. If you're later in your term the scents are more soft like lotion or custard. Lemon ussually.

Serotonin; cheese, lemon cakes, fruity, a bit light, and flakey like a pastry. Marshmellow fluff.

Dopamine; sweet fresh coffee, doritos(?), cocaine. Don't ask why he knows what cocaine smells like. He was alive during coke cocaine.

Endorphins; Sweaty Sex, mint, dark chocolate, violets, chemicals, varies by persons pheromones

Oxytocin; "playful cherries", freshly washed cotton pillows, the warmth of a bath, skin on skin hugs, strawberries

Joy/relaxation/relief: Jasmine, vanilla sugar cookies, fresh soup.

Anger/disapproval/hurt: smoke, the back end of a cigarette, spicy curry, iron, blood, "spoiled raw chicken left out too long"

Fear/excitment/anxiousness: Adrenaline smells like oil, paint, salty pretzels almost.

Tears: Oceans, lillies, fresh water lakes

[joeys-babe]

Joey B Imagines: Get It On*

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summary: after a road game win in San Francisco, you know Joe’s gonna be in a certain mood when he gets home. you had stayed in Cincinnati with your twin boys and Joe couldn't wait to celebrate the win with you. Being able to predict that, you decide to play a little prank on Joe.

warnings: talks of and illusions to smut, mostly fluff, funny/unserious

pairing: Joe Burrow x reader

imagine universe: into the mystic

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Bye week - October 18th (with flashbacks from October 15th & 12th)

(y/n’s pov)

The bye week was something I had been looking forward to since week one.

With the calf strain before the season even started it had been a little harder for Joe to get into the groove. He’s been more down on himself than normal and it was clear to me that he needed rest which is exactly what a week off would give him.

When Joe was home with me and the twins he wasn't Joe Burrow the quarterback for the Cincinnati Bengals, he was simply “Dada” to his boys and “Joey” to me.

He loved it, being away from the bustle of the NFL and being with his little family.

After a morning of sleeping in and cuddling, Joe cooked breakfast while I watched the twins, who were playing on the floor with their toys while sitting on their playmat.

They had just said their first words within a week of each other, both saying “Dada”. I thought I would've been jealous if my boys said Daddy, Dad, or Dada first but the situations in which they said it were so sweet that I couldn't have been upset.

The boy’s first game was at home against the Seahawks a few days ago. I sat up in the box with Robin & Jimmy plus my boys.

Tyson was sitting on Robin’s lap while I had Miles on mine. Joe ran out and Robin bounced Tyson on her lap saying “Look there's Dada!!” to which Tyson loudly squealed and cooed his first word in response to his grandma.

“Da-da!”

I hurt my neck with how fast it snapped in his direction from pure shock.

Miles said it just a few days before after Joe came home from practice.

Joe walked through the door and immediately found me in the kitchen feeding the boys. He walked over and kissed my cheek before turning his direction to his boys. Miles was reaching out to his dad and Joe immediately picked him up.

“Did you miss daddy?” - you smiled

“Da.. Da!” - Miles

Watching Joe’s eyes widen before he tossed Miles in the air was the sweetest sight.

“Thats my boy!!” - Joe yelled

Now back to the present day, Joe was in the floor with the twins passing around this tiny foam football. “Teach ‘em early” Joe would say.

I sat scrolling through Tiktok when a funny video came up on my fyp of this wife pranking her husband by lighting a candle that smelled like farts and putting it in their bedroom, after seeing the husband's reaction I immediately ordered the candle in hopes to do the same prank on Joe.

I had to laugh as I glanced over my phone at the unsuspecting victim. This was going to be hilarious.

October 29th - After 49ers game

Everyone seemed on cloud nine after the win over the Niners. I stayed back in Cincinnati with the twins while Joe was in San Fran. My parents ended up coming over to watch the game and overall it was a good day.

It wasn't long after the boys went back to the locker room that I received a text from Joe.

Hey mama.

To other people, it might seem like an innocent text, but to me, after all these years with Joe, I knew where this was headed.

Hey, champ!

A couple of seconds later when Joe replied back, I couldn't help but bust out laughing.

Whatcha wearing rn? 😏

I looked down at my current fit and thought about whether I should tell the truth or lie to please him.

Nothing special. Just a pair of your sweatpants and one of your Bengals shirts.

I got worried when he didn't message back for a minute or so, worried that I had disappointed him.

Sounds sexy.

Boy. 💀

Listen, I'm feeling really good right now. I gotta go shower but I'll text you when we're on the bus to the airport.

Talk to ya later then! Enjoy your shower, baby.

Ttyl, love you. ❤️

Love you too!

After I hit send, I put my phone down for a bit and ushered my parents out of the house. I’d hopefully get a shower, get the boys to sleep, and clean the house up a bit before Joe got home.

He'd definitely be getting home late but after big road game wins that would end in a long night for the both of us.

This also meant that tonight would be the perfect night to use something that I ordered back during the bye.

What was that you may ask?

A candle that smells like farts.

Now I’m not a big prankster but I will never pass up an opportunity to mess with Joe, it's been like that since we started dating in high school.

45 minutes later I had gotten most of the dishes washed in the sink, along with putting the clean dishes from the dishwasher up, and moved on to folding and putting away laundry.

It was always fun putting Joe’s clothes back up in our walk-in closet due to how diverse and unique each article was.

I saw the different suits and past game-day fits as a reminder of all of the ups and downs Joe and I have been through together.

Moving over to hang up his favorite grey jeans, in the corner of my eye I caught a view of the jacket Joe wore the day of the AFC Championship back in 2022. That was the same night Joe proposed to me and the thought made me smile. When the memory of what had happened later that night popped into my mind my once-innocent smile turned into more of a smirk. That was one goooood night.

My thoughts ended up interrupted when my phone dinged but seeing Joe’s name being the source of the tone made my smile reappear.

How’s my wife and my boys doing?

One of Joe’s biggest worries, since we found out I was pregnant, was him not being around enough for his kids to have a good relationship with their father. Every away game Joe seemed to check up on his little family every chance he got and though it was incredibly sweet, I worried about how he thought about himself parent-wise. He was an amazing dad, the boys loved him so much

We're doing great, baby. Your boys are already asleep and your wife is just cleaning around the house right now.

We should be home in a few hours but don't feel like you have to wait up for me, it'll be late.

I'm def waiting for him, I thought to myself with a laugh.

Okay! Are the guys all feeling good after the win?

Oh yeah, everyone is hyped right now. They're blaring music and have asked the bus driver to take a detour to the nearest club twice. LOL

You guys should go! Y’all need to celebrate.

It took a few minutes for Joe to respond but when he did, his message warmed my heart.

No thanks. That would just take time away from getting home to you guys. I miss you and the boys so much.

We miss you too. Especially the boys, who kept yelling “Daddy!” every time you were on the TV.

When I read Joe’s reply it was a complete mood shift, but I can't say I wasn't expecting it.

Did you also yell Daddy when I was on the TV?

Omg, Joe!

You'll be saying that again later, baby. 😉

Big wins always put Joe in this mindset but I couldn't help but giggle at his forward texts.

I was brainstorming what to say next when I remembered a little photoshoot I did the other day when Joe was away at practice. These pics would get him worked up for sure.

The pictures were of me fresh out of the shower in the mirror with nothing but his jersey and a tiger-striped thong on. The jersey was hiked up on my hip to where the panties were visible but my phone covered my face, the star of the show was the huge “9” on my front.

*Attachmentt 3 images*

When a few minutes had passed by and Joe hadn’t said anything back I started to get worried. He's on the bus right now... what if someone else saw the pics? Oh no.

If someone else saw those Joe’d be pissed. Oh no.

Holy shit, mama. You look fucking gorgeous.

Oh thank God, I thought.

You like what you see?

Screw like, I damn love it. Those pics are just for me, right?

Your eyes only, J. ❤️

I had no idea what was going on with Joe other than his texts, so I was completely oblivious to him struggling to contain himself in front of the guys.

You don't understand how much I'm struggling right now.

Struggling how Joey?

I knew exactly how he was struggling but I wanted him to come out and say it.

I'm getting so fucking hard. The last thing I need is the guys seeing a tent in my damn sweats.

Just a couple pics got you worked up?

y/n, baby how do you still not understand how much you turn me on after all this time?

Idk, Joe.

Plus baby it's not just the pics you sent me, it's also thinking about what's bound to happen when I get home.

What's that?

I'm gonna get you naked and show you exactly why you wear number nine. Sound good?

Can't wait.

We're boarding the plane, I'll see you later my love.

See you later, Joey.

*time skip*

It was almost two in the morning and there was still no sign of Joe. I was starting to get tired and was genuinely considering just going to bed.

Rolling over onto my side to get comfortable, I had just closed my eyes when I heard the garage door opening. Meaning Joe was home.

I removed the covers from my body and slipped out of bed, running my hands over the front of my satin nightgown to flatten it out before going downstairs.

By the time I made it into the mudroom, where the door that connects the garage to the house is, Joe was already there taking his shoes off.

“Hey baby.” - you smiled

Joe flinched before he found my eyes, his gaze softening as he did so.

“Shit babe, you scared me.” - Joe laughed

“Sorry, how was the plane ride?” - you

“It was fine, everyone was pretty much asleep so I just sat there on my phone… thinking about you.” - Joe

“Is that so?” - you giggled

“Yes ma'am. I missed you like hell.” - Joe

I opened my arms for him and he immediately walked over into my embrace. His arms wrapped tightly around my waist as my hands ran up and down his muscular back.

Joe leaned down and pressed a kiss to my lips before letting his hands drop from my lower back down to my butt.

“The boys still asleep?” - Joe

“Mhm.” - you

“Just us then, wanna go upstairs?” - Joe

“Before we do that… when was the last time you ate?” - you

“I ate this morning and had some snacks on the plane. I'm low-key starving but I made a promise to you about what was happening when I got home.” - Joe

Pulling away from his arms, I pecked his lips before patting his stomach.

“Let's get some food in you, then you can fulfill your promise.” - you winked at him

Joe grinned as he followed me into the kitchen, he sat on one of the barstools as I looked in the fridge.

“What do you want?” - you

“You.” - Joe mumbled

“What was that?” - you turned to face him

Joe smirked at me before dropping his head with a laugh.

“Nothin. Uh, whatcha got?” - Joe

“I've got leftover chicken and noodles, sandwich stuff, bacon for a BLT…” - you

“Chicken and noodles are fine.” - Joe

“Okay, I'll heat that for ya.” - you

I popped the container into the microwave and made my way over to Joe, laying my head on his shoulder.

“Sorry if I'm kinda clingy, I just missed you.” - you

“Don't ever apologize for wanting to be close to me, baby.” - Joe’s hand moved to cradle your head

Just a few seconds before the timer went off, I stopped is as to not wake up the twins with the loud ding.

After handing Joe his food with a kiss on the cheek, I walked upstairs.

I told Joe that I went up there to finish cleaning up but in reality, I was lighting the candle. The directions said that it would smell like vanilla for the first 30 minutes, then it would gradually start to smell bad.

Once it was in a sufficient spot I made my way back downstairs. Joe was in the same spot he was when I left but now he was just in his grey sweatpants as he ate and scrolled on his phone.

The floorboards creaked before I was completely in the kitchen and Joe looked behind him to make sure it was just me.

“You look incredibly beautiful in that nightgown by the way.” - Joe

“Well thank you, a special someone bought it for me.” - you

“A special someone?” - Joe gave you a confused/agitated look

“You bought it for me you goof.” - you laugh

“Oh!” - Joe laughed

We shared small talk as he finished eating. Talking about dinner for the rest of the week, the grocery list, just little things.

Joe abruptly stood up and walked over to the sink to wash the Tupperware his chicken and noodles were in. My eyes couldn't seem to peak away from his body, his back muscles flexed with every scrub he made making me feel hot all over.

He grabbed a towel and was now facing me as he dried the dish, my eyes still drawn to the veins protruding from his hands and arms.

After it was dry to his liking he put it up and the cabinet and sat back down on the stool next to me.

With a longing glance at each other, Joe swiftly grabbed my waist and pulled me off my stool and onto his lap. My hands landed on his chest as his mouth was immediately on mine.

Joe’s hands gripped my hips and slowly slid down to my thighs.

“You still got that tiger-striped thong on?” - Joe

He was grinning up at me as his hands slowly slid under my nightgown. His eyes turned dark when his fingertips reached my hips and he hadn't felt a band.

“No panties?” - Joe’s voice dropped an octave

“No, sir.” - you

“Fuck, y/n…” - Joe groaned

I felt Joe’s hand start moving down toward my inner thigh and I had to stop him. The confused look on his face made me giggle.

“Can we do it more… vanilla tonight?” - you

“Oh yeah, that's okay with me. Whatever you want baby, I'll give you.” - Joe

“Okay… now where were we?” - you

Joe moved his hands back to my waist and stood up, my legs instinctively wrapping around his waist.

He started up the stairs, taking them two at a time as he continued kissing me.

Joe’s pace changed as we passed by the twin’s room to make sure the sound of us rushing to the bedroom wouldn't wake them up.

Once in the bedroom, Joe shut the door and moved to lay me down on the bed.

“Did you light a candle for mood lighting?” - Joe grinned

“Guilty.” - you laughed

Joe laughed along with me as he climbed on top of me. The candlelight accentuated the soft features of his face and enhanced them, he looked even more ridiculously beautiful than he already was.

The faint smile on his face melted my heart as he admired me.

“Gosh… I love you so much y/n.” - Joe

I reached up and combed his curls back with my hand before slowly moving my hand lower to stroke his cheek.

“I love you too, Joe. So so much.” - you

Joe gently pressed our lips together. We engaged in a thorough, slow-burn kiss, that had my toes curling in my fluffy socks.

Very slowly, Joe’s hands moved from my sides and back up my nightgown. He started gently inching it up my body as his lips never left mine.

Once it was completely off my body, Joe disengaged his lips from mine to pull it over my head. The only thing I was left in was my bra.

“You are so… beautiful. Unbelievably beautiful. You're just… breathtaking y/n.” - Joe

His eyes scanned over my body with so much love behind them. I wanted nothing more than to lean over and blow the candle out, knowing It was going to ruin this intimate moment but it was too late.

Joe’s once content face was scrunched up in disgust as he abruptly rolled off of me.

“What the fuck is that?” - Joe

“What do you mean? Did I do something?” - you

“I don't think so… unless. Babe, did you fart? If you did…. goddamn!” - Joe

“Joseph Lee! I did not let one rip while we were trying to get it on!” - you

Joe tried so hard not to cackle but ultimately failed, his nose re-scrunching when he took a big inhale.

“What the actual hell is that putrid smell then, I know for sure it wasn't me! That smells so bad that if it was me I'd be in the bathroom right now.” - Joe

I giggled to myself as Joe hopped off the bed and started smelling around the room.

“Joe baby, you look like a damn bloodhound smelling around like that.” - you hollered laughing

“Well, I'm trying to find whatever the fuck that is so I can get rid of it! I'm not going to bed until I get some sugar.” - Joe

My laughing only got louder as Joe dropped to his knees and started looking under the bed for the source of the stink.

“Maybe there's a dirty pull-up under here…” - Joe grumbled

I rolled off the bed and grabbed a pair of Joe’s boxers that were clean and in his pile of laundry before slipping them on and walking over to his nightstand.

“Baby get off the floor.” - you

“Hold on! I think I'm getting close!” - Joe

“Joe! Get up! It's the candle!” - you laughed

Joe suddenly stood up and looked at me with a confused look on his face.

“How is it the candle? It says vanilla?” - Joe

He walked over to me and I plugged my nose before blowing it out and moving it toward his nose.

Joe looked at me hesitantly before leaning down and smelling the freshly melted wax. He immediately jumped back and gagged at the terrible stench as I seemed t never stop laughing.

“God bless!” - Joe

“I pranked you pretty good huh babe?” - you

“That was not funny at all, and now our room smells terrible. Looks like there's no sex on the menu tonight.” - Joe pouted

The way he exaggeratedly pushed his bottom lip out in a frown had me grinning. I got on my tiptoes and repeatedly pecked his lips till his pout turned into a small smile.

“We can sleep on the couch and watch movies tonight.” - you smiled

I watched Joe’s smile fall back into a pout as he pressed his hips against my thigh, reminding me of his dilemma.

The unamused look on my face only made him more whiney as multiple “please y/n” fell from his lips.

“Here, how about we get in the shower and I suck you off at the end. Would that make you happy?” - you sighed

“No. I don't want pity head.” - Joe grumbled

“Boy please you know pity head doesn't exist in this relationship.” - you smirked

Joe’s frown once again turned into a smile as he took my hand and led us into the bathroom.

Once both of us stripped naked and got in the shower, Joe got his head before he pressed me against the shower and finally got what he'd been craving since the game ended.

After we cleaned each other off and hopped out of the shower, our bedroom had finally gone back to smelling like it normally does.

When Joe flopped on the bed he almost immediately knocked out.

“Tired?” - you kissed his forehead

Joe nodded and I kissed him one last time before cuddling up to him and falling asleep.

One thing you can take from our relationship is no matter what, get you a man that'll still rock your word less than 10 minutes after he thought you let out the worst-smelling fart known to man.

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Authors note: a random daydream turned into one of my fav fics ever. 💀

Hope you enjoyed! ❤️