#feat jacqueline

[charmed-henry]

Interlude: Somewhere Beyond the Sea | Oneshot

Date: Mid August 2022 Warnings: Rich people nonsense Featuring: The Charming Family

The Charmings receive news from the mainland.

Living on a yacht was not all it was cracked up to be. 

Jacqueline was sunburned, seasick, and absolutely done with her family. She barely had any cell service, which was intentional, she imagined, so that they couldn’t be tracked. All of her entertainment consisted of rereading the same five historical romance novels she’d packed and fighting Granny for the portable DVD player to watch, in rotation, series four of EastEnders, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, and a grainy recording of Phantom of the Opera. 

She was twenty-six years old, for Christ’s sake! She had better places to be! Part of Jacqueline wondered if she should have done what the rest of her siblings had done, staying behind in England and ratting out the family. Sure, she might have to serve some time, but at least she’d have a social life afterwards.

Plus, did she mention there was no bloody Internet out here on a boat?

When they arrived at a port, Jacqueline was the first to volunteer to run to the mainland for supplies. Maybe she could get her phone to connect for a brief moment, and for a precious few minutes, she could go on TikTok again and feel a semblance of normalcy.

Jacqueline’s phone did not, however, connect when she reached the mainland. Damn it. Her parents had cancelled the family plan, hadn’t they? She had to wander for ages (it felt like) to find an Internet cafe, which was the sort of place Jacqueline wouldn’t have been caught dead normally. Internet cafes were for tourists! Regular people! Not people who vacationed the way the Charmings did!

But desperate times called for desperate measures, she thought, paying for her thirty minutes of access and setting herself up in front of a monitor. And this was no vacation. She wasted no time typing her name into Google, though she then had to wait (what felt like) an eternity for the page to load. (It was only a few seconds).

It popped up in an article from a local Wiltshire paper:

Jacqueline Knightley, Christopher Charming, and Shannon Charming are also considered to be persons of interest in this case, as they have been identified by the Charming siblings as participants in the illicit activities of The Order of the Prince.

She didn’t read any further than that. 

Those dirty little traitors! Jacqueline thought as she scrolled to the top of the page and saw the faces of her brother and sister glaring back at her. Of course, when Augusta didn’t show up to the boat, Jacqueline had a feeling she might do this. And everyone knew that Henry was in the midst of a nervous breakdown. But it still made her feel sick-- like maybe she’d made the wrong choice here.

Had she made the wrong choice here? Jacqueline was miserable. She was sick of her parents, sick of Granny, and starting to wonder if any of this was really worth it. She’d avoided prison, but at what cost? 

There was one more thing Jacqueline really needed to know. She typed another name into Google: Paul Knightley, and slowly an image loaded on the front page...

A mugshot?!

Jacqueline had paid for more Internet time, but she didn’t care. Her chair squeaked against the floor as she smashed Ctrl-P and sent the page to the printer. “Thank you!” Jacqueline said harshly, slamming down an unknown amount of Euros and practically ripping the page from the printer before tearing off toward the harbor.

~~~~

“MUM! DAD!” Jacqueline shouted.

“Jacq, please take your shoes off before--”

She ignored her mother’s request, instead shoving the article in her face.

“LOOK AT THIS!” Jacqueline screeched. “What did I say? What did I bloody say?!”

“Jacqueline--”

“No! Don’t Jacqueline me.” The eldest Charming began pacing the boat frantically. “Paul’s been arrested! This is all your fault! If we had just let Paul come on the boat, this wouldn’t have happened, I would have had someone I actually bloody like on this boat, and my husband wouldn’t be a convicted felon!”

Shannon sighed a very long sigh, pinching the bridge of her nose like she was staving off a headache. Just then, Christopher appeared from the bow where he had been lounging. “What’s going on over here?”

“Read it!” Jacqueline flung the pages at her father, hmphing for emphasis. He examined them closely.

“...Paul’s been arrested?” he said finally, frowning.

“Yes! Paul’s been arrested, just like I fucking--”

“Language, Jacqueline!”

“Just like I fucking knew he would be, if we left him behind! My life is over! My husband’s going to be in prison forever! You can both say goodbye to grandchildren, you know!”

Shannon rolled her eyes. “As if there were going to be grandchildren anyway,” she grumbled. Jacqueline shot a sharp look at her.

Luckily, that particular conversation was interrupted by another set of footsteps emerging from the cabin. “Jacqueline, there you are. I was wondering if you had the next book in that series--”

“Granny!” Jacqueline squawked. “Why are you reading those?”

“There isn’t anything else to read, and besides, I rather like them--”

“Jacqueline, you brought books and didn’t tell me?” Shannon, who had also been battling boredom, whipped her head around.

Jacqueline felt like she was going to explode. And then she did. “Because some things are private!!”

“What is so private about a couple of books you brought? Do you not want me reading them or something?”

“Honestly, not really, mother!” Jacqueline was red in the face now.

Christopher sighed. “Jacqueline, I think you ought to eat something. You’re being rather erratic right now--”

“I’m being erratic because my bloody husband is in prison and my grandmother is stealing my only reading material which, by the way, I specifically did not want her reading!”

“Well, I really don’t think it’s fair of you to hoard those books for yourself,” Shannon hmphed. 

“Not the point!”

Christopher turned to return to where he had been lounging in the sun and Jacqueline let out a loud noise of frustration. “Not you, too!”

“Jacqueline, there are meals in the freezer--”

“I’m sick of bloody freezer meals,” she grumbled, plopping herself down on a seat and crossing her arms. 

She had done everything right. She had followed all of her parents’ advice, remained loyal to the people who were supposed to be powerful, used her head. And yet here she was, stranded in a foreign country that she couldn’t even place on a map eating a freezer meal and fighting her grandmother not only for her shows, but now her romance books, too! 

Where had she gone wrong?

She stomped down to the cabin to heat up a meal and almost slammed right into Granny.

“There was no need to be so defensive about those books. They’re quite interesting stories. I just skip past certain chapters, personally,” Granny sniffed.

Jacqueline rolled her eyes.

“Don’t roll your eyes at me, young lady.”

She couldn’t help but think of Paul. Was he having a better day than she was?

As Jacqueline settled in to dig into her pre-portioned meal, she glanced over at the pages she’d printed again. Wait a second...

Henry Charming is awaiting trial and is expected to plead guilty.

Jacqueline sighed loudly, pushing her food away. She didn’t know how she was supposed to feel about that. Henry was a traitor. He had turned on the family, abandoned everything he had been raised to believe. Jacqueline was never speaking to him again.

But he was still her brother. After all this, he was still her brother. 

“Ah, did you get to the part about the Duke’s twin?” Granny said, looking up from her crossword.

All Jacqueline could do was let out a loud noise of frustration and crumple up the article, tossing it in the nearest bin. Maybe it was best to escape to the world of the Duke.

[arise-if]

“Arise, take form this new era!”

These are the first words uttered of the fourth age of this world and its influence has been felt in the blondwood galleries of the moneyed to the silver bows of the flightships which now traverse the near sky and yet when the academy first laid eyes on the object of this change they had but one warning.

But that is not your story and that is not your time, play as a homunculi child of the fourth age of alchemy and discover a world bustling with the excitement and the tragedy of new frontiers; play as the child of the partyboy former Cavalry Captain of the 13th Company and Champion Equestrian who has spared no expense in raising you, explore both the gleaming towers and hidden underbelly of Candar, the familiar glades and slopes of your homeland and the striking landscapes of far away lands, dedicate yourself to your studies or aspire to a life beyond the grip of polite society.

The currency of this era is the much prized splinters of newsilver which have enabled so much of its progress and advancement, from the miracle of flight to the industrialisation of the Great Nations and even feats we call foul heresy but even this resource will not last forever. All the world now looks towards the next great find, towards whomever shall herald the fifth age.

That is your story.

Play as male, female or non-binary with options to be straight, gay, asexual or not pursue a romance at all.

Define your player character's demeanour, appearance, personality, history and skills — etiquette, riding, alchemy, artificing, bargaining and much more.

Choose the subject of your 5th year academic theory report and go out into the world to gather data in the field — by underhanded means or otherwise.

Explore the unique landscape and phenomena that proliferate across the land.

Court and pursue various romance options from the brave lancer-in-training, the untalkative classmate, your adroit childhood mate, the ambitious assistant or the unfamiliar guide.

Live in the vast world of Candar which is currently defined by the central discovery of the fourth age of alchemy — newsilver, the rare resource containing the energy which fuels all progress in Candar.

Enjoy this story which is an affectionate ode to my favourite childhood books and stories combining aspects of historical fantasy, steampunk and grimbright lore.

Cade/Cadena Fairfax, C

(m/f, 22) The Lancer-in-Training who also attends your school, the child of the now discredited and proscribed Commander of the Librarian Knights of Gallopavia. Despite this fact they remain boarded at Gallo, their aspirations still intact though know they hope to find the truth or bring their father to justice.

A halfling (human).

Petr/Petra Guy, P

(m/f, 21) The Apprentice to the Lord Artificer of Gallopavia, your childhood best friend has changed much in the years since you last saw them. Perhaps the gruelling work as an apprentice or the weight of their gratitude has pushed them forward but you can't help but notice the youthful spark in their eyes has been replaced by determination.

A halfling (human) of some indeterminate heritage.

Jacquelin/Jacqueline Attica, J

(m/f, 22)

An Archivist of the Grand Alchemical Library and fellow 5th year student at Gallo Academy widely regarded as a prodigy and future professor at least, known to perform their tasks in total silence efficiently if it weren't for their cold demeanour and standoffish personality they'd quickly rise through the ranks of society. However when pushed they make no secret of their feelings about their peers, useless.

A sylph of some halfling (human) heritage.

Euer Ffsonye, E

(m/f, 29) The Assistant Professor of Flight at Gallo Academy, the much lauded junior newsilver researcher has quickly adapted to the position of educator easily stepping into the dangerous politics of alchemy and invention without so much as a stumble. But amongst the disgruntled who they've surpassed and outrank, they ask: what is it they're really gunning for?

An halfling (human) of some aelfe heritage.

Nate/Nata Bors-Sutr, N

(m/f, 19) The Flightship Navigator from the Free States who your father hired to act as your guide, over the years they've acquired enough practical skills to get by and earn their keep and as someone accustomed to the dark corners and avenues of this land beyond the prying eyes of the authorities they know how to find the things that others can't see.

A slyvan of some halfling (human) heritage.

Candar

The fourth age of alchemy will end with man weeping at the denouement, the tragedy of its conclusion is already known yet we can do nothing to fight against it.

Candar is the known world, its are people spread across many nations, banners and beliefs for which they regularly live and fight.

It is currently in the fourth age of alchemy defined primarily by the substance newsilver — the absolute focus of all industrial, alchemical and scientific progress which has rapidly changed the lives of the humanoids which inhabit this world drawing everyone towards it's bustling cities, enabling faster travel via its flightships, dangerous work from it's factories and bloodier wars from the newmuskets they have produced.

Candar remains filled with undiscovered and unexplored corners in which magical meetings still happen but the world is less fantastical, its uncharted territories are darker, further and yet more accessible than they ever have been.

Demo: unreleased (WIP)

References: unreleased (WIP)

Ko-fi: unreleased

Other projects: GGGLU (check it out!)

[saintsenara]

What do you like about Voldemort/Tom Riddle as a character? What elements of the character do you find fascinating?

thank you so much for this ask, @sarafina-sincerity

i have received a flurry of asks about my main boy, lord voldemort, which form a neat triad, so this is part one of a three part meta on him:

1. what do i like about voldemort as a character? 2. what is my preferred way of writing voldemort (a character analysis deep-dive)? [here] 3. what does dumbledore get wrong about voldemort? [here]

what do i like about voldemort as a character?

my general principle as a reader, both in fanfiction and original fiction, is that villains are more interesting than heroes. i prefer the complexity of characters the audience is not supposed to root for, and i enjoy the confrontation of realising that people who are capable of astonishing brutality and evil are also simultaneously capable of beauty. indeed, one of the most heart-breaking passages in literature, in my opinion, is humbert humbert’s final encounter with lolita, in which the reader is forced to sit with the fact that a violent, sadistic, and dangerous paedophile is also a creature hollowed by grief and loss, and that they feel nauseatingly sorry for him.

the canonical voldemort’s complexity in these aspects isn’t entirely drawn out in the narrative - although voldemort’s own struggle with anger, grief, and loss is discussed in details in the third part of this series of meta - but thinking of him in these terms provides something that i think is of considerable value to me as an author.

as might be hinted by the nabokov, my favourite subgenre of original fiction is undoubtedly the american literature of the mid-twentieth century, for its portrayal of the sinister ennui which lurks under the quaint picture-postcard of the american dream life (that i like voldemort for what he reveals about the rot in the wizarding world is expanded upon below). the authors i have felt speak most profoundly to this apart from nabokov are shirley jackson and - and i recommend this enormously not as pulp fiction but as a sincerely raw look at the america of the 1940s and 1950s - jacqueline susann’s valley of the dolls. voldemort has a lot in common with jackson and susann’s famous anti-heroines: he has the jealous, isolated relationship with family and lineage of merricat blackwood and the childhood trauma leading to obsession, manipulation, and greed of neely o’hara. 

all of which is to say, he is a character whose complexity can be used to challenge the reader, to force them to have to sit uncomfortably with their own views and biases (the fact that he’s a self-hating sectarian terrorist has always hit me like a body-blow, given that i live in northern ireland…), and to provide a window into the broader commentary on the world of the story (and the world of the author).

voldemort as a narrative tool

indeed, voldemort is the character who most interestingly straddles the harry potter series’ various different genres and their subtypes - no mean feat, given that the difficulty of reconciling these separate genres is what drives many fans’ complaints about plot-holes in the series.

after all, the series literally wouldn’t function as children’s literature without him; in the first two books he provides that scooby-doo villain-turns-up-in-disguise-at-the-end flavour which drives the narrative and allows harry to conform to his own children’s lit archetype of the wise-cracking everyman hero who is constantly getting into wacky mysteries.

but voldemort is, of course, at his most interesting after the books undergo their tonal shift following the conclusion of prisoner of azkaban:

he is the series’ most significant and most complex character within the genre-types it borrows from noir and political thrillers - in goblet of fire, we get the hint of him as a paramilitary kingpin, whose supporters wished to incite terror into any members of the wizarding population who did not support blood-supremacy and who targeted state institutions and political figureheads who stood in their way. voldemort’s own hypocrisy - he is a supposed pureblood champion despite not being pureblood himself, although his anti-muggle views are undoubtedly sincere - serves as a concentrated metaphor for the ministry’s corruption, which harry uncovers throughout this book.

he is the series’ most interesting folkloric archetype - the fate-driven hunter-villain, whose belief in the mystical value of the prophecy (within a series in which all the other characters - except harry, who we’ll come to below - are surprisingly rational. for people who can do magic.) drives the series towards its conclusion. it is impossible for harry to go on his hero’s journey without voldemort, and given that many of the other characters fit more obliquely into their folkloric archetypes (ron is very different from many folkloric sidekicks - the boy is no samwise gamgee - and hermione’s folkloric archetype is closest to the non-human gift given to the hero by a donor-figure), this aspect of the narrative depends on voldemort entirely.

he is, perhaps, one of the less interesting characters within the series’ purpose as christian allegory (the award for the character this applies to most interestingly, for me at least, is either dumbledore - the word of god revealed in a twist to be the john the baptist - or snape - the paul who thinks he’s a judas), since he is the satan allegory. the catholic-coded nature of many of his behaviours, however, does fascinate me, and contribute to my headcanon - discussed in the next meta - that he is raised in a church orphanage.  

and the use of voldemort within these narrative confines changes many of the other characters in ways which move them beyond genre archetypes which might otherwise not allow them to grow as the narrative tonally shifts (a fate which befalls hagrid, who cannot stand up to the nuancing of harry’s character as he goes on his hero’s journey). dumbledore’s similarities to voldemort, for example, hint at the reversal of his omniscience and infallibility before deathly hallows hits; snape’s relationship with voldemort as a terrorist leader, and particularly what voldemort’s terror says about the social structure of the wizarding world, provides an explanation for his actions which is more complex than ‘tee hee mudblood’ and which gives the reader a space to think about how deprivation drives radicalisation in our own communities.

above all, voldemort’s narrative relationship with harry is fascinating - and not simply for shipping reasons - since, within a story which ends with harry in the guise of the resurrected christ and voldemort-as-satan dead and buried, they are never actually portrayed as black-and-white enemies. indeed, they are the only pair of narrative mirrors in the series whose relationship is portrayed not as diametric, but relational; the only two whose relationship is described as fraternal (something made explicit in their ‘brother’ wand cores); and the only two whose relationship is described - by a figure no less powerful than the prophecy itself - as equal.

for example, that their shared backgrounds, their views of their own orphanhood, their relationship with their fathers, and their physical appearances are similar is lampshaded by several characters - not least both of them themselves. but the narrative actually goes deeper, drawing out ways in which their differences appear stark, but then loop back to become another similarity they share: their mothers come from opposing blood classes, but both form the key to understanding their characters; their wand woods are both associated with death and resurrection, albeit with different folkloric values of luck and purity attached to them; and voldemort is the series’ ‘true slytherin’ and harry the series’ ‘true gryffindor’, but they both have numerous personality traits connected to the other house.

in contrast, if we take the narrative mirrors of ron and draco malfoy, we find a pairing whose differences stem from similar attitudes and insecurities, but manifest themselves in ways which are polar: both serve the crucial narrative purpose of explaining the wizarding world to harry and, therefore, the reader, but ron exclusively shows its positive aspects and malfoy its more negative ones; their material circumstances are opposites; they both heavily physically resemble the rest of the family, but ron is one of many siblings and strains against that and malfoy is an only child and strains against that; and they are defined in the text by the diametrically opposed nature of their relationship with harry.

harry and voldemort, on the other hand, are defined by the divergence of their similarities - like their wands, they have the same core, but their choices affect them profoundly - and they are, therefore, the series’ clearest examples of the value of choice.

voldemort as a social mirror

i also think that voldemort’s childhood and background is one of the series’ most interesting looks at britain and its social dynamics, which i think many readers miss. how i prefer to write voldemort’s childhood is discussed in the second part of this series of meta, but he provides - like hermione - a look at the profound irony of the class system (after all he is an aristocrat in both worlds - and an example of both types of aristocrat, the rich and snooty in their luxury manor and the impoverished clinging to a name and a lineage - who has no access to the social advantages this should bring because he was born in an orphanage in the muggle world and he has a muggle name and face in the wizarding one).

but, above all, voldemort spends the first six books of the series as the best cipher for how state brutality and corruption only begets more violence. his unusual tolerance of non-human magical creatures (and his openness in his brutality to slaves - which, as i have argued, is one of the things that shocks regulus, who clearly conceives of himself as a ‘good’ slave-owner, a thing which does not exist) is at odds with the ministry’s benign oppression. his rejection of the patronage networks which sustain wizarding society (he rejects slughorn’s offer to set him up in the ministry because he wants a job he got himself, and good for him) only serves to emphasise that these still exist (the fact that voldemort would not want to rely on patronage canonically never occurs to dumbledore); while his use of patronage networks for his own ends shows how easily structures considered to be ‘right’ or ‘normal’ can turn malign. his brilliance, but the fact that his name and background would clearly constrain him in an ordinary career, underlines the fate which befalls many characters, from snape to the weasleys. he has a complex relationship with gender in a series which otherwise doesn’t (not only in the fact - outlined in the second meta - that his own gender identity is incredibly interesting, but in that bellatrix is the only married woman in the seven-book canon who has both a speaking part and a job). the ministry’s reaction to him - particularly the suspension of due process in the trials of death eaters (a reference to operation demetrius, one of the british government’s most degrading extra-judicial decisions during the troubles) - deepens anti-government resentment, which - since the wizarding world is clearly not a democracy - has nowhere else to go but revolution.

voldemort causes himself, obviously, but the ministry enables him to exist, and this provides so many avenues in fanfiction to explore.

why we need fanon voldemort

this said, there are, of course, things which frustrate me about the canonical voldemort - and this drives many of the traits in my own writing of him which i am completely aware do deviate from canon (my preferred characterisation of voldemort is addressed in the second part of this series of meta).

i dislike the portrayal of the canonical voldemort - or, at least, the canonical adult voldemort, the canonical teenage voldemort is more layered - as a sociopath, largely because i think it’s quite lazy writing to have a villain whose evil is caused by just not getting human emotion. in particular, this absolves the reader from noticing our own similarities to voldemort and considering how that challenges our own views and biases - as the enormous amount of ‘the class system is good, actually’ in death-eater-centric writing shows.

above all, i loathe the argument that voldemort can’t feel love (i am hopelessly wedded to the idea that he does love bellatrix, in his own little way), not least because it is an extremely cruel interpretation of what is clearly enormous childhood trauma (although the series’ weaknesses in its approach to that topic go far beyond voldemort), and because it fails to open space for a critical look at dumbledore’s own idea of  love; that is, not as something which can be luxurious, pampering, and restorative to the self, but as something which depends on sorrow and sacrifice. i detest the fanon - which, i think it’s important to note, is based in something jkr never actually said - that voldemort’s conception is the cause of his attitude to love. i also think the way the text treats both tom riddle sr. - who is never acknowledged as a rape victim - and merope - who, if we take dumbledore’s implication that she could have survived voldemort’s birth at face value, directly justifies voldemort’s view on death by not bothering to stay alive for him - is horrifying.

i think the voldemort of deathly hallows is the weakest, not least because the fact that he is never shown in the previous six books to have an interest in running a government (he spends most of the early books as a paramilitary leader, not a dictator in waiting) means that he has to be shunted off in other directions when he takes control of one. 

and, with the greatest of respect to the wonderful ralph fiennes, who i’ve just paid a huge amount of money to go see in macbeth, the film version of voldemort is terrible. indeed, film!voldemort is the source of so many of the worst fanon readings of the character, especially the idea that he only knows one spell, that he’s insane (the statement of canon is that the creation of the horcruxes does nothing to damage his mental capacity, since the soul exists independently of our free will and rational thought - although clearly the voldemort of the second war becomes considerably more paranoid than his earlier incarnation), that he loves to shriek, that he isn’t very scary, and that he doesn’t come spectacularly close to winning.

up next, then, how do i like to write voldemort?

[einsteinsugly]

Wednesday, August 1, 1979. The Kelso Khronicles.

AN: This is the necessary context for why Kelso randomly proposed to Jackie in season 8. And, upon further extrapolation, why Kelso stated he did it with Jackie at the motel (and to mess with Hyde, too). When Brooke rejects him, he tries to go back to Jackie, but to no avail. She's done.

*****

Chicago, Illinois

Yet another fiasco has occurred, and it's all his fault.

"Okay, I'm sorry." Kelso is notably sheepish, albeit with a devious grin. "But we're not dating or anything. You're my baby mama."

Brooke angrily shoves him, and he nearly stumbles into the couch. "Don't ever call me that. And don't ever bring that girl into my house again."

He brought a girl to Brooke's apartment, while he was babysitting Betsy. And they didn't even make out or anything. Well, not in front of Betsy, but still.

But Betsy was taking a nap, and the girl was hot. Like Farrah Fawcett. She was wearing next to nothing, a tight miniskirt and a tube top, and is way dumber than him. And that's a feat.

He'll never see her again, though, so he's fine with Brooke's terms and conditions. "Okay."

Brooke, in turn, relays the obvious. "Or a girl like her!"

"Fine!" He loudly scoffs, arms crossed, like a child, "I'll bring a brunette next time! Someone who looks like Jaclyn Smith."

She isn't just mad, she's seething. And maybe, a bit jealous. "Fine."

In turn, Kelso relays the insanely obvious. "You're totally jealous!"

Brooke is quick to deflect. "I'm not. You're a moron."

"A hot moron!"

She rolls her eyes. "Still, you're a moron."

"But I'm hot."

Brooke is notably reluctant. "Yes."

"And you look like Jaclyn Smith," Kelso adds, "But way hotter."

"Thanks." Her voice is notably flat, and unforgiving. "If it wasn't for Betsy, I'd never let you into my life. You know that, right?"

He shrugs, relaying the reality. "But Betsy's here, after that awesome Molly Hatchet concert."

"I can't believe you wanted to name her Molly. Or Bambi." Brooke returns to the situation at hand. "That girl looked like a Bambi."

"Her name is Cindy," Kelso amply defends, "And she's an actress, not a prostitute."

She refuses to back down. "I stand by my statement."

"I was only going to the Playboy mansion to look for a job," He explains, "So I can help out and stuff. But I got distracted."

"Go to the police station, and look for a job."

"But being a security guard at the Playboy mansion sounds way more fun," Kelso whines, like a petulant child, "And I got the job, by the way."

Now, Brooke is livid. She ushers him out of the apartment, leaving him in the hallway.

But not before insulting him. "You're a fool."

And with that, she slams the door.

*****

Point Place, Wisconsin. Two days later.

Whenever Brooke rejects him, he feels sad. And whenever he feels sad, he wants to go back to the 'ol ball and chain.

It's a flimsy 'ol ball and chain, and ring in hand, he's desperate.

"Jacqueline Burkhart, will you marry me?"

*****

If you want to join the game, click here. The dates that were given to me for KB and JH happen to meander around the time of season 8, so *sighs.*

[safyresky]

Scrimbly Jacqueline 13/52: In which Jacqueline impresses the Lady of the Lake and gives her Blacksmith Guardian a heart attack and a HALF.

COMPLETE with SILLY LITTLE DRABBLE BELOW THE CUT :O

Disclaimer: I know nothing about Arthurian Legends. HASHTAG WINGING IT!!!!

-

"What happened to the one in the anvil?!"

"Broke it fairly fast in a duel if you can believe it."

"He BROKE one of my SWORDS?!"

"He did stick it back in the anvil after drawing it out the first time."

"He did WHAT to my SWORD?"

"And then pulled it back out again. After multiple people took a go at it. Merlin was a bit late to the whole affair. Wizards, y'know. Terrible timing."

"In AND out of the anvil?! MULTIPLE TIMES?"

"Deep breaths, Bastion! Red's really not your colour."

The dwarf took a deep breath in; held it. Breathed out. The wind from his exhale ruffled his sooty beard. He frowned to himself; the lines in his forehead creased deeply as he tugged his beard in thought, the gaggle of young magibeans he had taken in running around the shop behind him. Sparks flew as the older ones worked to make various weapons; some worked on aesthetic details, piles of gems and precious stones gently strewn about the benches. Water hissed as weapons were cooled, clanking ringing out from the far recesses of the shop.

"Well Bastion? Up to snuff?"

"We'll get it done. It may take a little bit to forge a fresh one—"

"Not to worry! I came prepared." The woman in front of him grinned. She lifted her hand. Bastion watched, head tilted in interest as her palm glowed turquoise and suddenly, CLANG! CLATTER! A pile of swords appeared out of thin air and landed right on the counter top, water sloshing and spilling off the sides of it.

Bastion gawked.

"You wouldn't believe how many people dump their swords in the lake. Nasty little surprise, having one of these buggers hit you right on the noggin. Enchanted, too, most of them!"

"Most of them?" Bastion picked one up, admiring the craftsmanship and the inlaid gems. "All of them, I'd say! This pile is radiating magic. Between the lot of us and this pile we should have the new piece done to your specifications in, oh, about two weeks? Belinda, what do you think?"

A tall, elvish woman came over, magnifying eyepiece in her eye. She hmm'd, examining the gems inlaid in the sword pile quickly and closely. "Maybe more. Some of these enchantments have worn away completely, and they'll need replacing. We can do that in house, of course, but there are a handful we'll need to procure out of shop. The anti-fatigue one, we'll have to pop over the wall to get. The strengthening one, that'll be in the mountains."

"I can grab that one meself," Bastion volunteered.

"I can send Maggie over the wall. She does well with the fairies here. Hmm. Breathing underwater? Now, that one may be a feat—"

"Oh, not to worry! I took care of that one." Another glowing turquoise hand lifted and a small gem appeared in front of the pair, suspended in a bubble of water. "One of my specialties," the lady teased, winking as the bubble popped. The gem landed in Belinda's hand, the water bubble popping right on Bastion's nose.

He wiped it off, completely unbothered.

"I can procure a seeing stone. That should be simple enough. That just leaves the resistant gems. Most of which we have here...all but the cold resistant one. That'll be off in the far frozen."

Behind the pair, one of the magibeans by the anvil perked up. The Lady of the Lake watched as the girl tilted her head, listening in.

"We can send Tristan—"

"TRISTAN?! NOT TRISTAN!"

Belinda looked amused as the girl—a sprite, the lady noted—ran over to their little group. Bastion looked very, very tired. And perhaps a bit anxious? The girl pushed right through the pair of them, indignant, hands on her hips. "Tristan is STINKY! And ANNOYING! He's not even cold resistant—"

"But he is older and has much more experience with these sorts of environments—"

"HE'S GONNA MELT ALL THE ICE! I won't! I can just waltz right through it! Can't you send me? I wanna go! You know I can do it!"

"I know that if I send you and something happens, your father will kill me right dead! Send me right off to Rosehaven, personally! He's trusted me to take care of you!"

Well this just got interesting, the lady thought to herself, watching in amusement. "Does he usually go around killing people?"

"No. Not that I know of, at least. See, he's in a position of power."

"Oh?"

"One of the Governors back home."

"Oh."

"He won't kill you, honest! He's the nicest person I know! "

"Her mother may, though," Belinda pointed out.

Bastion hummed. "Fair point."

"What? No it's not! She'd be super okay with it and say it was furthering my spritely education—"

"Did someone call for me?!"

"UGH nooooOOOOoo go AWAY TRISTAN!"

"Always a pleasure to interact with you, squirt."

A taller sprite had appeared now, shoving the girl to the side and taking her place between the pair of smiths, armour shiny, surcoat barely creased or smudged or dirty. "Fair Lady of the Lake, I would be HONOURED to fetch this gem for you." He bowed deeply, holding his hands above him and summoning a little flame.

The Lady of the Lake barely repressed her snort in time. The sprite rolled her eyes, a sentiment shared with Belinda. Bastion exhaled loudly through his nose.

"That's enough of that. Up you go. It's off to the far frozen for you. We're out of cold resistant gems and we'll be needing one for the new King's SECOND," he shot an unamused glance the lady's way, "sword."

"I will venture to the far frozen mountains! I'll leave at dawn, after procuring the finest cold resistant clothing and warmest warmly enchanted sword we have here!" He dropped the grandeur, looking giddy and very much like the under two-thousand year old sprite he was. "This'll look great for knights looking for a new squire."

"I'm sure," the Lady of the Lake replied, biting her tongue very, very much.

"It will take me but two weeks time—"

"I could do it in one! DAY even! Not week! Come on, do we really have to send him of all people? Of all SPRITES?!"

"That's enough Jacqueline," Belinda spoke sternly. "Mind our guest."

The girl huffed, blowing an errant curl of off her forehead and stomping away, disappearing into the back recesses of the workshop, mumbling something about elements versus what sounded very much like "a whole ass season".

The Lady snickered to herself.

"So sorry about that. She's a..."

"Piece of work?" Tristan suggested.

"Adventurous sort," Belinda spoke over the young squire, glaring daggers at him.

"It's quite all right. Kids. So! Sword. About a month, then?"

"If you'd like the opal then yes, about a month. If not, two weeks."

"Brilliant! I'll be back in a month. And you can keep whatever swords you don't use. I've no attachment to any of them. Cluttering up the lake and hitting my head and interrupting perfectly relaxing mud soaks," she tsk'd. "I'll be off then!"

And before Tristan could abase himself any further, the Lady of the Lake was out the door and well on her way down the lane.

-

The moment Melusine shut the door behind her, she cackled. What an absolute wanker, that Tristan. She had far more faith in the delightfully outspoken sprite than she did in that sorry slip of a squire.

Sword issue taken care of (both of them, thankfully) she made her way back to her humble abode (lake), thoughts returning to her next task: find who had thrown the last sword into her lake and jinx their arm. Terrible aim for a thousand days, perhaps. Or maybe turn it into something wiggly. Like an eel. Or a tentacle. Somewhere in that wheelhouse, for sure—

"HEY! HEY! LADY OF THE LAKE. YOUR LADY OF THE LAKENESS, THAT IS."

Mel turned abruptly, watching as the sprite from before wriggled her way out of one of the windows and ran towards her, waving her down.

"WAIT UP! PLEASE! DON'T GO BACK TO YOUR LAKE YET I WANNA TALK!"

She fell mid run, flat on her face. Mel winced, about to ask if the sprite was all right when she sprung back up (a chilly wind flitting through the lane way) and continued running, unbothered. She skid to a stop right in front of her, breathing heavily for a moment, her coiled braids swinging, little hairs trying to escape the neat loops.

"Alright?"

"Yeah! Absolutely! Just catching my breath. Hi! Sorry to bug you, um, your lakeyness," the girl bobbed a quick and lazy curtsy.

"Not at all."

"Oh! Good! I thought maybe it would be—I wasn't very polite back there. I usually am! Tristan just bugs me a LOT."

"He's a knob."

The girl grinned, laughing. "RIGHT? And it's very annoying that he gets to go on that fetch quest cuz like, ice and snow is my SPECIALTY. Anyway, I wanted to ask you if Bastion and Belinda gave you an estimate? For time, that is."

"With that sop going on the fetch quest? About a month. I can wait, though! I've tons of other things to do in the meantime. Which is more inconvenient as an arm, do you think—tentacle or an eel?"

The sprite looked thoughtful for a moment. "Eel! Because it has a mind of its own! Harder to control if it doesn't think like you. Unless that's not the aim here?"

"No, it is! It is. Good point about the eel."

"Thanks! I try. Without the cold gem thingy. Did Bastion say how long it'd be?"

"About two weeks."

"Oh! Good! So come back in two weeks and it'll be ready."

Mel quirked an eyebrow. "Really now?"

"Mhmm!" The girl nodded exuberantly, an excited glint in her eyes. "I'm gonna go get the opal."

"Didn't your guardian tell you not to?"

"Mmmmmaybe—"

"I heard him myself."

"—ooookay so YES he did BUT! He is OVERREACTING and Tristan is gonna WALK. I CAN TELEPORT! I CAN POOF IN AND OUT AND BE BACK SO FAST!"

Mel served her with a stern look.

The sprite bristled. "I'll be okay! Really!"

"Now I'm all for giving men like Tristan the old what-for, but Bastion's the best swordsmith around. Not to mention a stand-up magibean. I certainly wouldn't like to see him sent to Rosehaven by your parents should something happen to you."

"Nothing's gonna happen! I've survived WAY worse!"

There was a brief pause; a quick emotion passed over her eyes. But before Mel could discern anything other than she meant it when she said she'd survived worse, it was gone, and the sprite continued as though nothing had happened.

"And my parents won't hurt him, I've been out and about for like three hundred years at this point and they have their hands full with my younger siblings. Even THEY could do a better job than Tristan, and they're not even four HUNDRED yet."

Despite how funny the sprite was being, Mel tried very hard to keep the stern facade. "Have you told Bastion you're going?"

"Would you believe me if I said I did and he was okay with it, totally changed his mind?"

"No."

"Look, your lakeyness—"

"Mel."

"Jacqueline!"

"Charmed."

"Me too! You're like, one of the coolest magibeans around these parts. All of the littler kids are losing it in the back," Jacqueline said, giggling. Mel smiled to herself. "Anyway. Please don't tell him! He'll get all over protective and stuff. Which I appreciate of course," she said, sticking her palms flat in front of her. "I'm really glad he let me apprentice here! And he teaches us all how to use the swords which is great! I'm very thankful. Don't get me wrong. I just...really wanna do this, y'know? And telling him would make it really hard for me to do this."

"Hmm. You're right. Perhaps I should cut out the middle man and go right to your parents myself?"

"Please don't! I really, really wanna do this!"

"Ah, so they would stop you?"

The sprite made an unsure noise, tilting her hand back and forth in front of her. "Fifty-fifty."

"Interesting."

"What?"

"Oh, plenty of things. You think I know your parents?"

She shrugged. "Most people do! It's kinda obvious, actually." she flushed a bit, scratching her head. "Anyway, I really think someone needs to knock Tristan off his high horse, and since I don't have jousting mastery yet or the means to get a lance and corner him, I was thinking that if I showed him up instead, it'd lay him FLAT on his BACK!"

"I admit, that does sound very appealing."

"Really?"

"Oh, absolutely. I deal with his type all the time. They're all knobs, really. It'd be fun to see all those big airs pushed right out of them. Do you think they'd make a rather rude noise as they deflate?"

The sprite giggled. "I hope so!"

"Then it's settled! I'll be back in two weeks time for my sword, complete with cold resistant opal."

"Really?" she brightened. It was rather heartwarming.

"Truly."

"Ah, thank you thank you THANK YOU!" she hopped forward, almost hugging the Lady of the Lake before stopping herself with a sheepish grin. "Sorry." she cleared her throat. "Anyway, I'm gonna head out now. I'll be fast! They won't even know I was gone," she winked. "See you in two weeks?"

"I'll be there bright and early for the sword."

"Yay! Okay! See you then!"

And with a cheeky little salute, the girl continued her run down the laneway, a scabbard on her back bouncing with each footfall.

She's got it, Mel thought to herself, as the delightfully outspoken sprite crested the hill and disappeared in a flurry of light blue sparks and what looked to be an actual flurry of snow.

-

Two weeks later found Melusine at the front counter once more, requesting to see her completed sword from a delightfully confused Bastion.

"I mean, it's done as done gets, but Tristan isn't back from the far frozen just yet so the opal is missing—"

"No it's not! TA-DA!"

Mel grinned to herself as Bastion turned. She could picture the jaw drop when his whole body seemed to sag in shock as he looked at the person who had just spoken up.

It was Jacqueline. She stood in a very wide horse stance, proudly holding up a small opal, maniacal grin on her face.

"You didn't."

"I did! And I did it in a DAY. And nothing happened to me at all! And you didn't even notice I was gone! I came right back nice and safe! And my parents won't be doing a murder because I told them what I did and they were very proud, which is what I THOUGHT and also KNEW would happen!"

"Well done," Belinda pipped up from her workspace. "And I suppose this is the reason why I couldn't find the sword in question amongst the others?"

"I stayed up all night getting it ready so that I could do THIS!" With a flourish, she pulled the sword out from behind her, placed it gently down on the counter top, and placed the opal right into the setting she had carefully carved for it last night.

It slid right in and glowed a brilliant, bright white. Then, the other gems glowed; the entire sword, in fact, was glowing, an iridescent rainbow. It lifted up off the counter, shaking for but a moment before flying into the scabbard when Jacqueline held it out in front of her.

The glow diminished; the smithy grew silent.

"Your sword, your lakeyness," Jacqueline said, bowing down and offering it to her. "It has been a great hONoUr to BEQUEATH to you this BLESS-ED OBJECT, for I journeyed SOOO FAR to procure the far frozen opal IN BUT A DAY FOR YOU! WITH NAUGHT BUT MINE OWN TWO HANDS—"

"That's quite enough, Jacqueline," Belinda interrupted, amused.

"It was good, right? I sounded just like Tristan."

"Well I'm impressed," Mel said, taking the scabbard and throwing it over her shoulders.

"And I am most definitely having a heart attack," Bastion decided, clutching his chest.

Belinda rolled her eyes, placing her eyepiece down and coming around the table. Carefully, she turned Bastion around and sat him down, looking him over. "You'll be fine."

"And what of Tristan?"

"I see his type all the time. He'll be right as rain. Oh, sure, his ego will take a hit and he may bemoan and grovel and do all sorts of silly it's the end nonsense, but he'll bounce back. They always do. We can only hope he'll be a little more subdued." Mel shrugged.

Jacqueline looked delighted. "Then we'll see who the piece of work REALLY IS."

"Should we call him back?"

"Nah. It'll be funnier if we leave him alone and he comes back all like OH! WOE IS ME! I HAVE FAILED YOU! And then DEFLATES! With GAS NOISES!"

"He'll be so upset," Bastion mused.

"Gas noises?" Belinda would regret asking, quirking an eyebrow.

"Yeah! Y'know, like, PFFFT," Jacqueline blew a very wet raspberry, hopping up and sitting on the counter. "Maybe Mel will come by to ah, soothe his ego?"

"And by soothe you mean—?"

Jacqueline grinned. "Watch him cry like a big baby and die a bit on the inside when he realizes he was bested by THIS GAL!" She hopped up on the counter, pointing at herself with both her thumbs.

"Jolly good! I'll be sure to pop on by in the next fortnight. Now! Bastion! what is it I owe you?"

Still shocked into silence, Bastion barely managed to utter a puff of air. With a sigh, Belinda pat his head and turned to Mel. "Given his present state and the materials you brought for us to use, consider this one on the house. And Mistress Frost? Off the counter, if you please. That's more than enough out of you."

---

My god, that got out of control. Delightful! I'm sure Mel and Jacquie had a ball when Tristan came back as he very much did think he was BESTED by some DEVILISH FOE. And you know what? He wasn't wrong!

Anyway, this SCRIMBLE was requested by @definitelyy-not-a-vampire a haute minute ago:

The drabbley ficlet smile shot thing just. It just. haPPENED. Whoops! Sorry not sorry!

She WAS gonna be scruffy and grubby and full of soot but then when the Lady of the Lake came into play (who in my mind is 100% @kscribbs Melusine of Miller's Law fame), Jacqueline was like "nah. I'm gonna impress the SHIT outta her! >:D"

And that went from IMPRESS to FUCK AROUND WITH AN ABSOLUTE FOP OF A SPRITE WITH HER in like. 100 words while writing the ficlet, lol.

Enjoy! Here's the un-scanned/edited one:

And you bet your ass I have some design notes >:)

I stole a fashion through the ages textbook from the library (and by steal I mean I have renewed it every semester and it has lived on my bookshelf since about 2019) and scoured through the middle ages chapter to figure out this fit

NOBODY TOLD ME IF SURCOTS WERE SHORT OR LONG SO I YOLO'D.

Wanted to throw in some purpleish pink bc I think purple is in Jacquie's palette, she's THAT GOOD at ice >:)

The hair is not short, it is simply in those braided coif. Things???? And it is a MIRACLE they are staying put

This is between 1350-1450 so she's between 1255-1355. IDEAL Gremlin age lmao

I don't have enough experience/markers to make the opal look opal so YOLO lmao

And yes this is uh, up very late lol. BUT YOU CAN SEE TAGS FOR DEETS! AND THIS JUST MEANS DOUBLE SCRIMBLES THIS WEEK LMAO

[almost-a-class-act]

🎶 9 ship songs 🎶

rules: list 9 songs for one (or more) of your ships. optionally, tag 9 people.

@im-chinese-believe-it-or-not tagged me (thanks pal!) and best believe I have nine webgott songs locked and loaded.

Renegade - Big Red Machine feat. Taylor Swift

When I'm Alone - Lissie

Simple Life - Jacqueline Govaert

Hold Me Like a Grudge - Fall Out Boy

A Pearl - Mitski

Flaws - Bastille

Paradise Burning - illScarlett

Back to You - Louis Tomlinson feat. Bebe Rexha

Black Cadillacs - Modest Mouse

Love in Plaster - the Hives (I know they said nine but what, I was gonna leave Love in Plaster off? This song has made me roll around on the ground since I saw the Hives live at the Kool Haus in Toronto circa 2008)

@bobparkhurst @gyunikum @noneedtoamputate @latibvles @cody-helix02 @aerokriegs @bitch-butter @airsignss @thrillingdetectivetales let's see em, I need more songs to stare into the abyss about

[allmyfantasychildren]

NEW EPISODE: Mirrored Ember: The City on the Moon (Feat. Juliet, Jacqueline, and Audrey)

In which one story ends, and a whole new chapter begins. It's time... to go to the moon.

The conclusion to ARG My Fantasy Children, a special Actual Play of Lamplighter's Festival by Ira Prince (with special guests Juliet (Folly on Cohost) from I'll Be Pod for Castmas, Jacqueline (@swampert) from Dead Teen House Party, and Audrey (@ladytabletop) from Alone at the Table, and a big announcement about the future of All My Fantasy Children.

We'll talk more about that announcement later today.

[jacquelinemerritt]

Dragon Ball Z: Abridged Episode 57 Review

Originally posted September 8th, 2018

A brand new character steals the show.

Hercule Satan fucking rules.

That could legitimately be my entire review of “Opening Serumonies,” and I don’t think anyone would mind, because first, it’s obviously true, and second, it’s about all that needs to be said about this episode. Hercule Satan is a goddamn incredible character, Antfish brings him to life brilliantly, and all of the jokes around his character land with aplomb. I don’t need to provide a good defense here either, because if you’ve seen the episode, you probably already agree with me that he’s a fantastic character, and love him just as much as I do.

I say all of that, and yet I know full well that based on this episode alone, I can’t exactly justify or explain my love of Hercule Satan, though he does get a hell of an introduction here. Satan is very much the kind of egotistical character we’ve come to love in this show, but unlike Vegeta or Freeza, he actually starts off as a genuine hero, entering the #CellGames and stepping up to fight Cell one-on-one, despite not having an inkling of how strong Cell actually is.

Even as Satan hogs the spotlight in this episode though, both in the narrative itself and also literally taking the spotlight off of Cell and our heroes, we see a glimpse of depth to his character in his detailed explanations of how Cell is pulling off seemingly impossible feats, as well as in his urging to children to not recreate the violence they see on screen at home, aware of how his celebrity makes him a role model.

We also get to see a vulnerable side of Satan, as he is at first baffled by, and then apprehensive in responding to Cell’s detailed personal insults, calling for a commercial break to recover from the shock of Cell seemingly being able to describe his personal history in great detail. He’s also made vulnerable in a much more literal sense, as when we finally see him attempt to take on Cell, he’s swatted away like an annoying bug, slipping down a mountain as a bloody, beaten mess.

With all of that, you could be forgiven for assuming that the episode is literally just about Hercule Satan and the lead-up to his battle with Cell, but his story actually only takes about a third of the episode’s runtime, with the rest focusing on our main cast’s arrival at the games, and apprehensions about taking part in such a violent contest.

The only two characters who seem to be unaffected by the #CellGames are Goku, due to his love for fighting, and Android 16, who is far too distracted by finally meeting the man of his dreams, the man he wants oh so desperately to kill, and yet cannot bring himself to muster the courage to ask Goku to do so until it is far too late. It is clearly one of the great tragedies in our modern storytelling era, and if anything happens to 16 to stop him from getting to fulfill his dream of killing Goku, then I am going to riot.

#JusticeForAndroid16

Rating: 4.5/5

Stray Observations

I am just now realizing that all of the characters wear pointy boots because Akira Toriyama probably can’t draw or hates drawing feet. And it’s kind of adorable because those pointy boots mesh perfectly with Toriyama’s aesthetic.

Oh, I fucking love Jimmy Firecracker too, he’s exactly the kind of awful, trend-chasing, sleazeball journalist that would cover something like the #CellGames as a wrestling event, and Xander Mobus does a near pitch perfect impersonation of Jeff Bennett’s radio announcer from The Legend of Korra/that same old-school radio announcer voice that you hear when a TV show or movie wants to call back to serialized 1930’s adventure, and I am all about that type of voice.

Critical Eye Criticism is the work of Jacqueline Merritt, a trans woman, filmmaker, and critic. You can support her continued film criticism addiction on Patreon.

[tfc2211]

Play ▶ Pine Sap (Christmas Music Mix, Various Artists)

Intro Santa Claus Is Coming to Town - The Ventures Boogie Woogie Santa Claus - Lionel Hampton & His Orchestra What Child Is This? - The Border Brass Winter Weather (Remix) - Joe Williams And Harry Sweets Edison Where Did My Snowman Go? - Molly Bee Too Fat for the Chimney - Gisele MacKenzie Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow - Les Brown & His Band of Renown Jingle Bells (Fattback Style) - Brother Yusef Christmas Time (PT.1) - Jimmy McCracklin The Little Drummer Boy - The Anita Kerr Singers All The Bells - The Bandana Splits Nuttin' for Christmas - The Fontane Sisters Snowy White Snow and Jingle Bells - Vaughn Monroe Jingle Bells - The Ramsey Lewis Trio Sleigh Bell Rock - Three Aces & A Joker Santa Won't Be Blue This Christmas - Jimmy Charles Jingle Bell Slide - Jack Scott Jingle Bell Imitations - Bobby Rydell & Chubby Checker Santa Claus Is Coming to Town - Betty Glamann Goose Fat - Dr. Rubberfunk If Santa Don't Bring You No Funk - Big Sugar feat. Wide Mouth Mason Jingle Bells - Thundersmack Merry Christmas - Al and the Vibrators Reggae Reggae Christmas - Boss Capone All I Want For Christmas Is You (Reggae Remix) - Mariah Carey Button Up Your Overcoat - Jonathan Stout and his Campus Five Santa Claus Is Back In Town - Elvis Presley Punching the Christmas Tree - James Kochalka Superstar I'll Be Home For Christmas - The Bandana Splits Blue Christmas - Joel Paterson Noël Blanc - Jacqueline François Jingle Boogie - Howard Carter Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas - Poncho Sanchez Brazillian Sleigh Bells - Ferrante And Teicher

[momental]

Comic Jacqueline Novak is known for wearing the same outfit for her solo show 'Get on Your Knees.' The outfit consists of a loose gray T-shirt, jeans, and white-and-gray sneakers, which provide her with anonymity, neutrality, and comfort. While the show is part standup act, part coming-of-age story, and part philosophy lecture, it is also an athletic feat, leading Novak to often wear a sports bra. However, she has grappled with the belief that she shouldn't wear a sports bra because it is too athletic.

The forty-one-year-old Novak has a youthful appearance and a fascination with elaborate skin-care rituals. 'Get on Your Knees' is a ninety-minute show about fellatio, but it goes beyond raunch comedy and explores the limitations of language when it comes to discussing sex. Novak aims to transform the mundane act into a cosmic experience.

According to John Early, the comic who directed the live version of the show, Novak takes something crude and elevates it into a cosmic frenzy. Fred Armisen, another comic and actor, describes the show as good-spirited and suitable for all audiences, including his own mother. Novak's parents have seen the show multiple times, and her boyfriend, Chris Laker, finds it comfortable and has never been asked if it makes him uncomfortable.

Comedian Jacqueline Novak took a unique approach to developing her stand-up show, 'Get on Your Knees.' Rather than piecing together jokes over time, she wrote the entire set in 2017 and asked her Instagram followers if she could perform it for them. She debuted the show at a party in Brooklyn and went on to perform in bigger venues in Los Angeles and New York. The show gained attention from celebrities like Lucas Hedges, Paul Thomas Anderson, and Emma Stone, and even pop-music producer Mark Ronson saw it five times. Novak takes pride in managing every aspect of her show, from publicity to coordinating performances. She even coded a contactless digital program for the show herself. As she prepares for the release of a special on Netflix, Novak is involved in every step of the process, from editing to closed captioning.

Netflix comedian Jacqueline Novak recently discussed her experience creating her comedy special 'Get on Your Knees.' The postproduction process for Netflix specials is typically completed in less than a month, but Novak's special took five months. Novak expressed her gratitude for the support she received from actress Natasha Lyonne, who directed the special. Lyonne looked out for Novak's creative interests and helped her navigate the pressure of being a good student. Despite suggestions to shorten the special, Novak insisted on keeping its ninety-minute length. Novak meticulously worked on the show for years, even stitching together audio from every performance to determine the best version. Novak's attention to detail extends beyond her comedy, as she even seeks the best deals online with high personal stakes. Corresponding with Novak can be challenging due to her meticulous nature. Novak canceled a tour for 'Get on Your Knees' during the lockdown and has eagerly awaited the opportunity to perform it live.

'By the time we spoke, we’d had so many interactions that I felt we had developed a form of intimacy. 'Waking up in the morning, I was almost, like, I don’t know how to be profiled,' she said on the phone to me one afternoon. 'There is no constitution there. I’m dissolute, or something. I was waiting for myself to come into focus enough.'

Backstage at the Cherry Lane in 2021, Novak applied a light layer of makeup and flat-ironed her hair, which is naturally curly. She and her assistant reviewed the guest list. Every night, Novak pored over the list of ticket holders to see who might show up. 'My awareness of who’s in the audience has a profound effect on my internal experience,' she told me. 'I found out this guy from my high school came last night.'

Much of the show centers on Novak’s fraught quest to successfully perform a blow job in high school. She tells the audience about how her field-hockey teammates encouraged the endeavor. At one performance, three women who had played on the team sat in the second row. This added a new layer of prospective humiliation for Novak. 'Even though I reference things that are my own life and literal, I’m, like, ‘How crass if someone from my town or my high school treats it as if I’m just talking about my life. Excuse you? This is art,' she said. 'Of course, it’s not their job to be exactly what I think they should be.'

Shame is the root of most comedy, but Novak prefers to grapple with shame’s more free-spirited and familiar cousin: embarrassment. Her mother, Naomi Novak, told me that one of her daughter’s first words was 'embarrassing.' 'It’s so ’barrassin’,' she would say. In 'How to Weep in Public,' a memoir-slash-self-help book that Novak published in 2016, she wrote, 'Even as a newborn in the hospital, I tended to turn away and bury my face.'

Novak has two older siblings, and she developed an early analytical streak by observing them at home, in Westchester County, New York. Her mother recalls watching Novak’s nursery-school class through a window and noting that her daughter was completely silent; when she got home, however, she recounted every detail she’d seen. One day, Novak’s teachers called Naomi in to discuss a conversation they’d overheard. A boy had asked Novak, 'Does your mother have a penis?' She’d replied in the same blunt but lyrical way that she talks about sex in 'Get on Your Knees': 'No, she has a vagina. But hers has feathers.'

Naomi’s father was a rabbi, and Novak’s paternal grandparents came from Christian families. The clan delights in mashing up the customs of both cultures. 'We’re a family of analyzers,' her father, Greg, said.

As a child, Novak sought attention through performing, even appearing on 'The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon' in second grade. However, as a teenager, she became more scholarly and self-conscious.

Novak's father's reading of 'Think and Grow Rich' inspired him to start his own business and introduced Novak to self-help tools like Tony Robbins tapes. Novak even helped her father start a podcast about Hegel.

Novak's time in college at Georgetown was marked by her involvement in an improv troupe, but she felt self-conscious and found a sense of belonging in her creative-writing courses.

After college, Novak moved to New York and pursued standup comedy while working in advertising. She struggled with depression, which was exacerbated by her job.

After being fired from her advertising agency, Novak moved back into her childhood bedroom and entered what she now calls her 'depression years.' This period has greatly influenced her life and she now prioritizes her physical and emotional energy. Novak tries various products and rituals to combat her depression, such as following a low-carb diet, using a 'vitality swing' for restless-leg syndrome, and experimenting with supplements, THC gummies, past-life-regression therapy, astral projection, energy-healing workshops, and Kundalini-yoga. She also has a unique exercise routine, seeking workouts with a guiding principle or philosophy. However, in the summer of 2022, depression caught up with her again and she even considered signing up for virtual therapy. Novak suspects a connection between her depression and her glucose levels, particularly blaming blueberries for spiking her glucose. This realization leads her to feel humiliated by her efforts to avoid bread. Despite these struggles, Novak's early jokes often revolved around food, with one of her popular bits being about shared appetizers, specifically nachos, and the comedic scenarios that unfold when they arrive at the table.

In 2014, Jacqueline Novak released a comedy album called 'Quality Notions' that would later become the foundation for her show 'Get on Your Knees.' She also wrote a humorous guide called 'How to Weep in Public,' which offered feeble offerings on depression from someone who understood. In the book, Novak encouraged people with depression to fully embrace their feelings. She described it as 'merely a cigarette in the trenches' compared to other books on the topic.

After college, Novak found solace in antidepressants and moved back to the city to pursue stand-up comedy in New York. She became part of the flourishing alternative-comedy scene and formed close relationships with comedians like John Early and Kate Berlant. It was during a benefit show that Fred Armisen saw Novak perform and considered her as a potential opening act. Armisen was drawn to Novak's ability to share observations in a personal and relatable way.

However, Novak faced challenges in breaking through in the comedy scene. Many of her performances were for drunk audiences in small bars who didn't fully appreciate her talent. Despite the obstacles, Novak remained committed to her craft, while her boyfriend, Laker, pursued a more social lifestyle.

In 2017, Novak had a realization that success didn't come from slowly working her way up. Instead, she decided to focus her energy on creating one exceptional piece of work. She discussed this plan with Laker while walking near their apartment on the Upper West Side. Laker recalled Novak's realization that she needed to make one great thing and concentrate on it.

Novak revisited essays she had written in high school and realized that she had always been a writer at heart. She had a deep awareness that her experiences could one day be chronicled. Novak often questioned if she was living enough in the present moment, which she now finds embarrassing. She believed that she should be fully immersed in her experiences rather than nostalgic for them as they were happening.

In college, Novak and Liz Phang bonded over visiting Peter the Great’s cabinet of curiosities in St. Petersburg, Russia, filled with gruesome objects. Phang recalls Novak impersonating fetuses with birth defects stored in jars, showing her creativity. Novak was known for diving into discomfort in her writing, even exploring topics like having sex with someone who disgusted her. Back at Georgetown, Novak continued to write about sex and her experiences. Her essay about blow jobs in high school became the inspiration for her show 'Get on Your Knees.' Novak used clever tactics to draw attention to the show, including involving her friend Early in the performance. The challenge for Novak and Early was finding the right tone for the show, avoiding moralizing or trauma narratives. They didn't want the audience to pat themselves on the back, but rather to engage with the storytelling. One pivotal moment in the show is when Novak is on the brink of her first blow job and she imagines herself as a character in a Vladimir Nabokov story, hoping to make the experience more literary and less daunting.

In 2019, comedian Jacqueline Novak performed at the Cherry Lane theater and caught the attention of scouts from major streaming platforms. Although Netflix initially passed on her, Novak and her agent didn't give up. They invited Netflix's vice-president of comedy, Robbie Praw, to a performance in Los Angeles, which impressed him and led to a deal with Netflix. Novak felt empowered by this success but didn't like being praised for 'finding her voice,' as she believed it was more about finding confidence and tricking people into liking her comedy.

In 2019, Novak and her partner, John Early, moved to Los Angeles and considered their time in New York as a 'rough draft.' During this time, Novak and her friend, Kate Berlant, frequently visited Korean spas in L.A. and discussed wellness and self-care. Despite their initial aversion to podcasting, the two came up with the idea for a show called 'Poog,' which would offer a unique perspective on wellness as a pastime rather than a serious pursuit. The podcast debuted in November 2020.

'Poog' was pitched to various platforms, including Will Ferrell's Big Money Players Network, and ultimately signed with Ferrell's company just before the pandemic hit.

Descriptions of the podcast 'Poog' may seem nonsensical, but it quickly gained popularity and earned the loyalty of fans like Amy Schumer and Miranda July. The show's creators, Kate Berlant and Jacqueline Novak, even had unrecorded weekly Zoom conversations with July during the pandemic. One frequent topic on 'Poog' is the experience of dining in restaurants, which Novak considers the pinnacle of social interaction. Novak, who has a tree-nut allergy, carefully navigates restaurant menus and engages in conversations with servers about food options. During a dinner with Novak, she discussed her allergies and allowed the waiter to select dishes for her, creating an entertaining and empathetic dining experience.

Getting Novak to stay on topic is a challenge, so I gathered most of her biographical information from her family and her book, rather than asking her directly. During our conversation, a comment I made about a recent 'Poog' episode triggered a series of tangents. Novak talked about everything from Tracy Anderson to the death of Guru Jagat, bringing pets to restaurants, chia seeds, a cocktail with pistachios, and even the scariness of waiters.

We eventually discussed Novak's Netflix taping, a topic she had been avoiding since signing the contract. She pondered why she got into comedy and what she hoped to achieve. She had been performing her show in both traditional theaters and standup clubs, but couldn't decide which was better. The Cherry Lane theater seemed 'too precious' to her as a creative-writing major. She then expressed her excitement about upsetting expectations in the lowbrow world of comedy.

During a celebration for the taping of 'Get on Your Knees,' Novak appeared a bit dazed after a conversation with Brie Larson. I asked her what made her feel ready to film the special after years of tinkering. Was it pressure from Netflix? Financial stakes? Exhaustion from workshopping the show? Finally achieving perfection?

Comedian Jacqueline Novak recently filmed her one-woman show, 'Get on Your Knees,' for a special on HBO. Novak described the pressure she felt leading up to the taping, comparing it to the pressure of competing in the Olympics. She had to let go of her fantasies of perfection and embrace the improvisation that comes with live performance.

Before the taping, Novak went shopping for a new pair of jeans because her old ones had deteriorated. She ended up buying so many pairs that she had to transport them in a rolling suitcase. Actress Natasha Lyonne, who directed the special, helped Novak select a pair of jeans to wear for the performance.

During the show, Novak had a moment of improvisation when she absentmindedly tucked her shirt into her waistband. Lyonne, who was monitoring for continuity issues, asked her to untuck it. The crowd laughed as Novak jokingly asked where to start from. The performance took on a new element of improvisation.

Despite the unexpected moments, Novak remained confident and thanked the crowd for their support. She reflected on the nature of theater and how it involves everyone facing one direction while she faces the other.

Source Link: The Anxious Precision of Jacqueline Novak’s Comedy

[redarrw]

⭒ ℐ𝒩. & ℛℋ. #001 ⸻ TENDER LIKE A BRUISE. / feat. @cheshirs

TITANS (1999) #30 / JEANETTE WINTERSON / MARIE RUTKOSKI, The Winner's Kiss / JACQUELINE WOODSON, Weight / TITANS (1999) #30 + BATMAN PLUS ARSENAL (1997) / HERA LINDSAY BIRD, Mirror Traps / SECRET ORIGINS (1986) #38 / DEVIN GRAYSON, DC Universe: Inheritance / RICK RIORDAN, Mark of Athena / MARGARET ATWOOD, from Power Politics, 1971 / DAZZLINGTIREDEYES / TITANS (2008) #30 / HANNIBAL (2013–2015) Season 2, Episode 12 - Tome-wan

[charmed-henry]

Jumping Ship | Oneshot

Date: Mid June 2022 Featuring: Christopher Charming, Shannon Charming, Jacqueline Charming, Augusta Charming Warnings: Some vague references to violence/fighting

The Charming family considers their options...

A companion to Ill Tidings Brought

Christopher Charming has added Darling❤️, Jacqueline❤️, and Augusta ❤️ to the chat, “Family (minus Henry)”

Augusta: Why minus Henry

Christopher: I will explain

Shannon: Gus give your father a minute

Christopher: We need to have a family discussion

Jacqueline: Perhaps this should be more of an in-person discussion

Christopher: Can’t. They are watching.

Jacqueline: ??? Who is they

Shannon: Why don’t we let Dad explain

Christopher: Thank you darling Christopher: I am sure by now you all heard about what happened in London. Your mum and I have been discussing contingency plans. Above all, we need to be smart about this and keep this family safe. As you may have heard, our people are planning a retaliation in mid July (something about a castle that the DunBroch women are hiding out in???) in that little town where Henry is living right now and we need to get him out of there. 

Jacqueline: Wouldn’t it be good to have him there to help?

Shannon: He isn’t in a good place right now sweetie. We don’t want to upset him more.

Christopher: Also, we’re getting out of England.

Jacqueline: ?????????????

Christopher: It’s simply gotten too risky. You already saw what happened in the states with the Huntsclan. After the attack in London we’ve decided it isn’t worth it anymore. This organization has brought us many opportunities but it is time to divest ourselves before the situation further deteriorates. Christopher: The number one priority is our family’s safety. It is that simple. We’ve invested in a boat and we will be sailing to Montenegro. Boats are harder to track than planes.

Jacqueline: Why are you acting like we’re criminals?!

Shannon: We aren’t, sweetie. But you know how the mainstream media is. They will find a way to pin something on us simply because they don’t like what we stand for. So it is best if we make our way to Montenegro.

Jacqueline: ...Mum. Dad. Seriously.

Christopher: We can all discuss on the boat. There are other matters at hand. Christopher: This is going to be very delicate. As we all know, Henry is very emotional, and he isn’t going to want to leave when there is some kind of conflict happening. So we need to get him out of there before he finds out about it. Christopher: Girls, I think you should talk to him. You won’t even have to tell him the whole story. Just tell him we’re going on vacation.

Jacqueline: Wait. I haven’t even agreed to this. I need to talk to Paul

Shannon: Do NOT talk to Paul.

Jacqueline: Are you saying he can’t come with us????

Christopher: Paul can join us later, but right now we are just discussing a small family boat trip.

Shannon: Also potentially with Granny. But that’s it.

Jacqueline: So GRANNY can come but not Paul????

Shannon: Jacqueline that is your grandmother. And we are your parents. We are giving you an opportunity to protect your future. Do not take that lightly.

Christopher: Can we focus? Jacq, Gus, when are you going to Swynlake to retrieve Henry?

Jacqueline: Gus???

Augusta: Sorry I was revising Augusta: Look I’m sorry I’m really busy. I’ll read all of this tomorrow.

Jacqueline: GUS????

Shannon: Augusta.

Christopher: Maybe you should just go Jacqueline. Christopher: We are setting sail July. Chop Chop.

[nerdythebard]

#50: Erin Solstice [The Wandering Inn]

(Art Credit: cmarguel on Twitter) ---

Welcome back, my lovelies.

I will be honest with you, I've been putting this one on hold for some time because I wasn't sure if I can do this right. One of our newest friends, @bomoboo, gave me quite a challenge. I didn't want to straight-up deny a request, so it kinda sat there until I got my things together. This one's not perfect, and I know it, but I hope we can work on those together and enjoy creative D&D plays henceforth. Anyway, Erin Solstice, would you mind inviting us for a game of chess?

Next Time: You either die a hero or... well, you don't become a myth.

So, what is our strategy for this game?

Isekai Protagonist: Erin is a human girl from Michigan, who ends up in a fantasy realm after walking into the bathroom. It really doesn't get more anime than that.

Peaceful Warrior: Just because Erin doesn't like fighting, doesn't mean she can't. She'll take on an entire army for you, and then happily invite you over for a game.

Jacqueline of All Trades: Anything you can think of, Erin can probably do. She crafts, she plays chess, she cooks, she brews her own ales.

---

The story gives it to us right away, Erin is a Human. But since she's essentially an anime protagonist, we're making her a Variant Human. This gives us a +1 to two abilities of our choice (Intelligence and Charisma), we can speak Common and one other language of our choice (perhaps Goblin?), we gain proficiency in one skill of our choice (Persuasion), and we get to pick a feat; for the best [Innkeeper] in Izril, we gotta pick the Chef feat from Tasha's Cauldron of Everything. We can increase our Constitution or Wisdom by 1, proficiency with cook's utensils, and the ability to prepare some food and treats during a rest that provides those that eat them with some extra Hit Points. Just like mama used to make <3

Since Erin literally came to Izril from another world, we're gonna make her a Far Traveler. We gain proficiency in Insight and Perception skills, proficiency with one musical instrument or gaming set (do I need to say anything?), and one more language proficiency. The All Eyes on You feat definitely makes us stand out at first, but those curious glances and whispers could be used to our advantage to, for example, secure an audience with somebody important in exchange for a tale or two from our homeland.

ABILITY SCORES

While Erin is a talented chess player and a very pragmatic thinker, we're gonna put Charisma as our priority for her persuasion and manipulation capabilities. For her equally impressive willpower, we're getting Wisdom next (both are the most common saving throws against compulsion), followed by Intelligence.

Constitution will be next, as Erin's alcohol immunity, endurance, and recovery seem to be pretty good. Dexterity is on a lower end, and we're gonna dump Strength.

CLASS

This one was difficult, but when accounting for all of Erin's skills and items, we have to go with a Bard, start-to-finish. Bards get the d8 as their Hit Dice, [8 + our Constitution modifier] initial Hit Points, proficiencies with light armour, simple weapons, hand crossbows, longswords, rapiers, and shortswords (feel free to pick whatever, for the purpose of the build we'll go with the classic leather, also perhaps include a dagger to mimic the knife she got from Pelt), as well as three different musical instruments. Our saving throws are Dexterity and Charisma, and we get to pick any three skills (Investigation, Performance, and Survival).

Level 1: We start with Bardic Inspiration, the class's staple. Through the means of singing, poetry, or a little entertaining jig, we can give a creature within 60 feet of us an Inspiration Die. The creature can use the Inspiration Die to add its result (starting at d6, increasing as we level up) to the next saving throw, ability check, or attack roll it makes within the next 10 minutes. We have a numer of Inspiration equal to our Charisma modifier and we regain all expended ones after a long rest.

Bards also gain Spellcasting at level 1. Charisma is our casting ability and we know cantrips, regular spells, and rituals. Bards have access to their entire spell list and get a fixed number of spells as they level up. We start with two cantrips (Friends and Prestidigitation) and four 1st-level spells (Charm Person, Cure Wounds, Detect Magic, Heroism).

Level 2: We can now reach one of our goals and became a Jack of All Trades. From now on, we can add half of our proficiency bonus (rounded down) to any ability check that we lack proficiency in. We also learn the Song of Rest: during a short rest, we can revitalise our allies with songs and stories. If the characters spend Hit Dice for healing, they can add extra 1d6 HP (the dice value changes as we level-up).

We also learn one more 1st-level spell. Since we're an innkeeper, we need to resupply. How about getting some better prices for our wares with Distort Value.

Level 3: At this level, we get to pick our subclass, our Bard College. Since Erin relies a lot on her charisma and persuasive skills, we're going to pick College of Eloquence. By carefully and beautifully weaving our words, we can resolve conflicts and achieve our goals without the need to draw a weapon. We start with Silver Tongue: whenever we make a Persuasion or Deception check, we cannot roll lower than 10. This essentially give us Rogue's Reliable Talent (a feat from Level 11). We also get to speak Unsettling Words: as a bonus action, we can spend one Inspiration Die and choose a creature within 60 feet of us. The targeted creature then have to deduct the ID result from the next saving throw it makes before the start of our next turn.

At level 3, we also get the first part of Expertise. We get to pick two skills and double our proficiency bonus to any ability check used with those skills. Let's pick Insight and Persuasion.

We also unlock 2nd-level spells. Let's pick Borrowed Knowledge.

Level 4: We get our first Ability Score Improvement. Let's bump our Dexterity up by two points for better AC. We also get a new cantrip (Vicious Mockery) and another 2nd-level spell (Locate Object).

Level 5: At this level, our Bardic Inspiration die increases its value to d8. We also become a Font of Inspiration, and now we can recover our Inspiration Dice during a short or long rest.

We unlock 3rd-level spells here, so let's grab Motivational Speech.

Level 6: We get Countercharm. As an action, we start a performance that lasts until the end of our next turn. During that time, creatures within 30 feet of us (ourselves included) gain an advantage on saving throws against being frightened and charmed.

For this level's spell, let's get Nondetection to mimic Erin's anti-scrying ring.

Level 7: We don't any new features here, but we do unlock 4th-level spells. Feel free to grab Dimension Door, in order to replicate Erin's Magical Door.

Level 8: Time for another ASI. Let's increase our Constitution by two points for that nice HP bonus. For this level's spell, we're gonna go back a level and pick Summon Fey Spirit.

Level 9: Our Song of Rest value now becomes d8, and we unlock 5th-level spells. Let's grab Mass Cure Wounds to better support our allies.

Level 10: Halfway through the build and we get a bunch of goodies. First of all, our last cantrip of the build (Mending), then our Bardic Inspiration Dice become d10s, we get two more skills to put Expertise into (Perception and Survival) and a massive spell boost with Magical Secrets. We can choose two spells from any spell list and add them to our repertoire, as long as they're of a level we can cast. We're gonna grab the 1st-level Shield spell for some AC boost and the 4th-level Fabricate spell.

Level 11: At this level, we don't gain any new class levels, but we unlock 6th-level spells. From now on, our spell gain is slowing down, so we have to make it count. Since the best Innkeeper has to serve the best food, it's clear we're gonna go with Heroes' Feast.

Level 12: Another ASI. This time, we're gonna bump up Dexterity by two points.

Level 13: Our Song of Rest now becomes d10. Additionally, we unlock 7th-level spells, and it's finally time for us to get our beloved Wandering Inn (and it actually will be wandering!) with Mordenkainen's Magnificent Mansion.

Level 14: Time for another magic haul. From our subclass we gain Infectious Inspiration. Whenever we successfully inspire someone and they use their Inspiration Die, we can use our reaction to automatically inspire another creature (other than ourselves) within 60 feet of us without losing an ID. We can do that a number of times equal to our Charisma modifier per long rest.

We also get to pick two more Magical Secrets. This time, let's grab Guards and Wards to have complete control over our inn, as well as Drawmij's Instant Summons to always have a pick-me-up at hand.

Level 15: Our Bardic Inspiration dice now become d12. We also unlock 8th-level spells. Let's grab Glibness to raise our charisma to the level of gods.

Level 16: Time for another ASI. Let's grab some more power before the endgame and bump up our Charisma by two points.

Level 17: Our Song of Rest value now becomes d12. We also unlock the pinnacle of D&D magic (for players), the 9th-level spells. However, let's grab the Mind Blank spell from level 8. Just wait and see...

Level 18: We get two more Magical Secrets here, and it's time to make an actual wandering inn. As long as we'll get the funds for it. And we will, because the final spells of this build are Mighty Fortress and Wish.

Level 19: For the final ASI, we're gonna bump up our Dexterity by two points.

Level 20: Our capstone is Bard 20, which gives us Superior Inspiration. Whenever we roll Initiative, if we don't have any Inspiration Dice left, we regain one.

---

And that's the lovely Erin Solstice. Let's see how we did:

First of all, we're a master manipulator. With a Passive Perception of 24, we know what happens in our inn while being in its basement. With our subclass and Expertise in Charisma-based skills, I can assure you most of your conflicts will end before they even begin.

Our AC is 14 (with a standard leather armour) or 19 (with the Shield spell), we have a +3 to our Initiative and the average of 136 Hit Points.

As you can clearly see, this build was made for support purposes. We're not a frontline fighter. Our job is to make sure our allies can defeat their enemies, and then live to fight another day. Our strengths lie outside the battlefield, and we're a strong candidate for the party's Face.

---

Phew, now that was something. Once again, I cannot express how thankful I am for your patience and support, my darlings. Things are starting to come up Nerdy, so I hope I can return to my groove.

I'll see you soon <3

-Nerdy out!

[uneasylisteningradio]

Hearts June 24, 2023

Photo by ME, art by I don’t know who NW Philly 2023

stream on Mixcloud

I will do a hearts show again some day for sure but here is part 1!

Bay City Rollers - Saturday Night Josie and the Pussycats - With Every Beat of My Heart

DJ speaks over Sandy Nelson - Expressway to your Heart

The Ex - The Heart Collector Clorox Girls - Get It, Heart Lucia Pamela - Hap-Hap-Happy Heart Ramones - Listen to My Heart

DJ speaks over DJ Lebowitz - Jump Start My Heart

Eddie Kendricks - Let Me Run Into Your Lonely Heart Rata Negra - Espinas En El Corazón 한대수 - 그대는 내마음 아는가 Maestros and Dipsos - Heart and Tongue The Zeros - Beat Your Heart Out 2 of Clubs - Heart Ty Segall - Fist Heart Mighty Dawn Dart

DJ speaks over Pharoah Sanders - Heart to Heart

Beex - (My Heart Goes) Beat Beat The Partridge Family - I Can Hear Your Heartbeat Monette Moore - Hard Hearted Papa (Take 2) Jacqueline Taïeb - Le cœur au bout des doigts Ribbon Stage - Stone Heart Blue

DJ speaks over Avengers VI - Heartbeat

Wire - Heartbeat Heavy Metal - Finster In Meinhem Herzen (feat. Bobby Would) Indirekt - Hart En Vaatziekten Wendy Rene - Deep in My Heart Arthur Smith Trio - Adieu False Heart Recharge - Herz aus Hass The Fates - Sheila/She Beats in My Heart

DJ speaks over Wendy Carlos - Heartbeats and Worry

Jeri Rossi - I Left My Heart But I Don't Know Where Hounds of War - In Their Hearts Terry Jacks - Since You Broke My Heart Vildvittra - I Varje Hjarta Trio - Herz ist Trumpf (Dann rufst du an...) Dicks - Kill from the Heart

DJ speaks over Dislocation Dance - With a Smile on Your Face and a Frown in Your Heart

Chumbawamba - Safety Pin Stuck In My Heart ("A Love Song for Punk") Scatha - From The Heart Ivan Hoffman - Curriculum Vitae The Woggles - In My Heart

DJ speaks over Man or Astroman? - Within a Martian Heart

Gloria Jones - Heartbeat (Pts.1 & 2 / Single Version)

[laforzadelvoila]

All My Eurovision Winners

Here I will register my winners of all the years of Eurovision. This list will always be subject to change.

1956 — 🇳🇱 De vogels van Holland [Jetty Paerl]

1957 — 🇦🇹 Wohin, kleines Pony? [Bob Martin]

1958 — 🇨🇭 Giorgio [Lys Assia]

1959 — 🇸🇪 Augustin [Brita Borg]

1960 — 🇫🇷 Tom Pillibi [Jacqueline Boyer]

1961 — 🇮🇹 Al Di Là [Betty Curtis]

1962 — 🇫🇮 Tipi-tii [Marion Rung]

1963 — 🇩🇰 Dansevise [Grethe & Jørgen Ingmann]

1964 — 🇩🇪 Man gewöhnt sich so schnell an das Schöne [Nora Nova]

1965 — 🇮🇪 Walking the Streets in the Rain [Butch Moore]

1966 — 🇵🇹 Ele e Ela [Madalena Iglésias]

1967 — 🇪🇸 Hablemos del amor [Raphael]

1968 — 🇲🇨 À chacun sa chanson [Line & Willy]

1969 — 🇳🇱 De Troubadour [Lenny Kuhr]

1970 — 🇬🇧 Knock, Knock Who's There? [Mary Hopkin]

1971 — 🇲🇨 Un banc, un arbre, une rue [Séverine]

1972 — 🇮🇪 Ceol an Ghrá [Sandie Jones]

1973 — 🇪🇸 Eres Tú [Mocedades]

1974 — 🇸🇪 Waterloo [ABBA]

1975 — 🇹🇷 Seninle Bir Dakika [Semiha Yankı]

1976 — 🇬🇷 Panagia mou, Panagia mou [Mariza Koch]

1977 — 🇱🇺 Frère Jacques [Anne-Marie B.]

1978 — 🇲🇨 Les jardins de Monaco [Caline & Olivier Toussaint]

1979 — 🇵🇹 Sobe, sobe, balão sobe [Manuela Bravo]

1980 — 🇲🇦 Bitaqat hub [Samira Bensaïd]

1981 — 🇩🇪 Johnny Blue [Lena Valaitis]

1982 — 🇨🇾 Mono i agapi [Anna Vissi]

1983 — 🇮🇱 Chai! [Ofra Haza]

1984 — 🇮🇪 Terminal 3 [Linda Martin]

1985 — 🇳🇴 La det swinge [Bobbysocks!]

1986 — ⭐️ Željo moja [Doris Dragović]

1987 — 🇧🇪 Soldiers of Love [Liliane Saint-Pierre]

1988 — 🇱🇺 Croire [Lara Fabian]

1989 — 🇹🇷 Bana Bana [Grup Pan]

1990 — 🇪🇸 Bandido [Azúcar Moreno]

1991 — 🇫🇷 C'est le dernier qui a parlé qui a raison [Amina]

1992 — ⭐ Ljubim te pesmama [Extra Nena]

1993 — 🇧🇦 Sva bol svijeta [Fazla]

1994 — 🇬🇧 We Will Be Free (Lonely Symphony) [Frances Ruffelle]

1995 — 🇳🇴 Nocturne [Secret Garden]

1996 — 🇵🇹 O Meu Coração Não Tem Cor [Lúcia Moniz]

1997 — 🇮🇹 Fiumi di parole [Jalisse]

1998 — 🇫🇮 Aava [Edea]

1999 — 🇱🇹 Strazdas [Aistė Smilgevičiūtė]

2000 — 🇫🇮 A Little Bit [Nina Åström]

2001 — 🇩🇪 Wer Liebe lebt [Michelle]

2002 — 🇮🇱 Light a Candle [Sarit Hadad]

2003 — 🇧🇪 Sanomi [Urban Trad]

2004 — 🇪🇪 Tii [Neiokõsõ]

2005 — 🇨🇭 Cool Vibes [Vanilla Ninja]

2006 — 🇧🇦 Lejla [Hari Mata Hari]

2007 — 🇬🇪 Visionary Dream [Sopho Khalvashi]

2008 — 🇷🇸 Oro [Jelena Tomašević feat. Bora Dugic]

2009 — 🇦🇲 Jan Jan [Inga and Anush Arshakyan]

2010 — 🇸🇰 Horehronie [Kristína Peláková]

2011 — 🇧🇬 Na Inat [Poli Genova]

2012 — 🇸🇪 Euphoria [Loreen]

2013 — 🇳🇴 I Feed You My Love [Margaret Berger]

2014 — 🇳🇱 Calm After The Storm [The Common Linnets]

2015 — 🇲🇪 Adio [Knez]

2016 — 🇺🇦 1944 [Jamala]

2017 — 🇵🇹 Amar Pelos Dois [Salvador Sobral]

2018 — 🇪🇪 La Forza [Elina Nechayeva]

2019 — 🇦🇱 Ktheju Tokës [Jonida Maliqi]

2020 — 🇺🇦 Solovey [Go_A]

2021 — 🇫🇷 Voilà [Barbara Pravi]

2022 — 🇺🇦 Stefania [Kalush Orchestra]

2023 — 🇪🇸 Eaea [Blanca Paloma]

[safyresky]

Crystal Springs Chapter 16: Now on ao3!

HERE IT IS!

Chapter 16: It's Dinner Time!

Dinner time arrives and with it, a lore drop. Autumn gets to the bottom of Winter and Jack's disconnect.

This is one of my FAVOURITE chapters. I hope you all enjoy it too! It was v hard to pick a snippet to share, so I decided to go meta (this chapter has about 3 moments of self-awareness/fourth wall breaking, if you squint. It REEKS of author bias, lmao)

Jack turned back to his aunts. Summer had leaned in closer—an astonishing feat since she was already right beside him. Autumn watched, head on her linked hands, elbows on the table. Spring still sat with one leg over the other, arms crossed, glaring at Jack...but her eyebrow gave a little twitch. Interesting, Jack thought over a spoonful of mash. "Anyway, it didn't last, of course. Santa managed to come back and reverse trick me. We got back to the proper timeline, and I was almost immediately apprehended by the Elfficers for...other things, funnily enough." "Not the overthrowing thing?" Summer asked. "He froze a couple of people and locked them in a closet with their not-frozen kid," Jacqueline offered. "Shut. Up!" Summer exclaimed. Thanks Jacqueline. "Did you not know that, Summer?" Spring asked, a little too innocently. Sorry, were you not going to say that bit? "No! I didn't! Oh my gosh…then what happened?" Summer asked, shifting in her seat so that she now sat cross-legged, her chin in her hand as she leaned on the table, fully enraptured with Jack's tale. I was going to sugar coat it. You know Spring would've come back with the salt, Jack. Jack had to take a quick sip of his own drink to hide his laughter. "Well," he said, "Now we get to the good part. So, there I was! Two little elf men on either side, shoving me into the Workshop, and they bring me right before Santa. Bernard's temp had discovered Lucy and her parents in the closet, the parents frozen solid courtesy of yours truly. He and Lucy tell the big guy, who already knows all about the whole stealing Christmas thing, of course, as we were SURROUNDED by the Council, so the odds were already stacked against me!" "I can't believe I'm rooting for you right now," Autumn said. "I get that a lot," Jack joked. Autumn and Summer laughed; Jacqueline rolled her eyes, smiling, nonetheless. "Maybe you're rooting for him because you know how it ends, Aunt Autumn," Jacqueline mused, pulling her hair over her shoulder thoughtfully. "REDEMPTION ARC!" Fiera shouted down the table. Even Spring let a little smile escape, very briefly. She seemed to have loosened up a little bit, though she still sat rigid, watching Jack as intently as Winter watched her. "Spoilers, Fiera! Please!" "Sorry!" "Yeah Fiera, spoilers," Fino said, flinging more mashed potatoes at her. She dodged it in time, the potatoes beelining for Blaise. Lightning fast, Blaise smacked his spoon on the table, sending it up in the air; it deflected the mash and the pile fell with a plop onto the candle in front of them, extinguishing the flame. "You were saying?" Autumn asked, as the candle hissed. "Yeah, keep going!" Summer added.

Want to see how Jack wins over his aunts? Check out Chapter 16: Dinner Time, right HERE on ao3!

Want to take Crystal Springs from the top? Catch the Prologue, "An Encounter", HERE on ao3 and HERE on fanfiction dot net! Summary below the cut, as per the ush:

It's been almost a year since Jack Frost thawed and things are looking...well, not so great. Jack's powers are seemingly gone. Without them, the Dome that keeps the North Pole safe from the cold and its magic controlled is melting, putting everything and everyone magical at risk. Unable to hide his power shortage any longer, Jack is forced to admit the truth. Thankfully, there is a solution: enacting the Legate Law, bringing Jack and the sister that he hurt so many centuries ago back together again. But when Jacqueline starts experiencing destructive blackouts, the pair are forced to head back home to Crystal Springs, bringing Jack face to face with the rest of the family. Needless to say, between getting his powers back, helping his sister figure out what in the FROST those blackouts even were, reconciling with his parents, meeting the two even younger siblings he didn't even KNOW he had, NOT TO MENTION the ancient threat that's had it out for the ENTIRE Frost family finally making a move? Saving Christmas (regrettably) is looking to be a little bit...complicated.

And yes, if you're wondering, I did name this chapter with The Emperor's New Groove in mind. So it's best you read the chapter title exactly the way Yzma delivers THIS banger of a line (beware flashy gif):

DUH DUH DUH DAHHHHH

Next chapter will be up next week! We'll finally finally FINALLY get that sweet, sweet, Jack and Winter reunion. I think. Lemme go check smth real quick.

SORRY CHAPTER AFTER THAT. But next week: Some BADASS Frosty Sibs games, AND a good Blaise and Jack moment, AND some fun Winter moments! THEN WE GO TO THE MARKET AFTER THAT! YEAH YEAH YEAH! WOOO! (explodes)