#feel free to disagree I'm not forcing or insisting anything

[meimei-bunnie]

Was thinking about Jiang Cheng last night, and what I understood of his character– and especially of his relationship with Wei Wuxian, because obviously, every aspect of his character is shown through the lens of their relationship owing to the fact that Wei Wuxian is the main character.

I don't think it's a bad thing, but I do wish that we could have got some serious in-depth of a lot of characters from their own perspectives, but it works for me and my overactive brain to fill in the gaps.

I genuinely feel heartbroken over their relationship because I know that the love is there, and always will be. Even if it's now tainted with too many harsh words and spilt blood, the love is still there. The problem lies in how Jiang Cheng was raised.

At first, I used to think that Jiang Fengmian and Yu Ziyuan are not that bad of parents but after thinking over it, I have realised that they are not good either. In fact, when it comes to Jiang Cheng, they did a terrible job. JFM essentially neglected JC because of his similarity to his mother, leaving him craving for love. YZY on the other hand, constantly put him down by comparing him to WWX.

Both of these things became a core part of how JC thinks and feels. He never received unconditional love from his parents, and his relationship was strained with WWX, but he still loves them all. He is a classic Slytherin, in my opinion. He is definitely ambitious and loves his cultivation but another thing that I characterize Slytherins by is the difference in which they treat those inside their circle and outside their circle.

So, for JC, the people inside this circle are: JFM, YZY, WWX & JYL (and afterwards JL, but that's inconsequential to this post since I'm focusing more on the JC before WWX's resurrection). Even if they treat him badly, he loves them to death. He would go to the world's end for them, and all he wants in return is for them to be by his side.

Which is what WWX fails to do after the Wen situation. (I'm not blaming him, I totally support WWX's decision; I'm just painting it from JC's pov.) At a time when he had lost his parents and JYL was getting married and going away, the only tether for him was WWX– so when he chose the Wens (outsiders, for JC) and demonic cultivation over him, it was betrayal for him.

I believe there are 3 feelings that ruined their relationship, from JC's side: ① betrayal ② jealousy ③ loneliness.

The feeling of betrayal ties in to the loneliness heavily. At the root of everything is the fact that JC struggles with love; he loves deeply, but doesn't quite know how to express it at times because his own parents were lousy at doing that. (I wanna give him a tight hug so bad ugh.)

The jealousy... Well, that's the factor that ruined it the most. And I believe that if only JFM had looked past the fact that JC's mother is YZY, and had loved him as freely as he did WWX, and if YZY had not constantly compared them, then JC could have grown up without the compulsive need to constantly compare himself to WWX. It's not that he does it on purpose, but something that's wired in him because of the glaring difference in them that his parents keep pointing out, whether it's with his actions or her words.

The thing is... WWX was literally the worst person to compare himself to. He was literally a genius, a prodigy, a once-in-a-generation kind of cultivator. And also a classic Gryffindor example. Brave, reckless and strong sense of justice. That's what marks the main difference between them.

JC would choose his family/inner circle over justice. WWX would choose justice over his family/inner circle.

Those feelings of betrayal, jealousy and loneliness come out in the form of misplaced anger and hatred in the 13 years WWX is gone on every person who does demonic cultivation. I feel like JC was trying to find him too, but it was in equal parts love and equal parts hatred.

The point in the climax when he gets angry at WWX and mocks him about how good he is, and constantly better than JC that he even gives away his golden core– that scene hurt me so much. I was really upset with him, but well, his words struck me. Even now, he is still comparing himself to WWX. He has always tried to catch up to the image of WWX, in hopes of gaining his mother's pride and his father's love and even long after they are gone, he feels the need to prove himself to the rest of the world that he is Jiang Cheng. He is Jiang Wanyin, heir to the Yunmeng Jiang clan and worthy of leading them.

It's literally no secret how much he despises that everyone sees him as someone 'not Jiang like'. Their motto doesn't match him. But WWX does. WWX gets his father's love freely. WWX is the talented cultivator that everyone praises and sees, and it's never him. Never JC.

He spent his entire life trying to catch up to WWX, then chasing him in hatred, only to realise that he never could. No matter what he did, he would never measure up to WWX. And he is grateful, he is thankful for what WWX did, but it came out in the usual way all his feelings do: anger and derision. That scene hurts, but it made me finally understand JC.

Honestly, my biggest takeaway from all this was that JC deserved better parents. I love him and I love WWX and I want their relationship to be better desperately but knowing that with all that has happened, I also know it's going to be really really hard. I still want to believe in my own hc that post-canon, they sit down and talk like mature adults and get all this out of the way.

Be the brothers they always should have been, even if they can't be the Twin Heroes of Yunmeng anymore.

(Sorry this got a little long hahaha~)

Edit: And I just want to add that JC never needed to compare himself or 'catch up' to WWX. That's where his parents failed him. Nobody telling him that he is enough and wonderful and loved as he is. I would love to jump in and just, give him a tight hug and say all these things to the younger JC. That I'm proud of him. That's he's enough.

[lovecolibri]

I hated 5a but it was saved by ep 6 and 8, then we got 5b and it was really good, then kr got scared of buddie and decided that for all 6a they shouldnt have scenes together anymore. I appreciate the effort of blog talking about the narrative but even without the romantically shipping them we went from 2 best friends to 2 people that just work together

I'm gonna be honest and say I didn't care for 5b for the most part either because the cheating, tay kay nonsense, and L of it all forcing Eddie and Madney/Chim's stuff into the background ruined a lot of it for me. 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️ (RIP to everyone who decided to follow me recently for Buddie stuff and missed the "salt gremlin" in my "about" section but this is a hate space for characters I Do Not Enjoy and that includes tay kay and L. Feel free to unfollow, or block the anti tags accordingly. I don't fuck with things that are a waste of time and take time, arcs, and storylines away from main characters, characters I actually want to see, and things that actually push the main character's stories along.)

When even the GA and people who very much state they do NOT ship Buddie are baffled at the choice to sideline their relationship entirely and are asking what the show is doing you know it's an issue. However, I will disagree and say that KR didn't get "scared" of Buddie suddenly after season 5, because she's never particularly liked or cared about Eddie as a character to begin with. We all saw 4x14 and how she sidelined the firefam from Eddie's shooting (they weren't even allowed at his welcome home party! You're telling me tay kay was in Eddie's Covid bubble and cleared to be unmasked around his kid but the firefam weren't?! Please), and sidelined Eddie himself from the whole thing, skipping his (and Bobby's) whole recovery and making the whole thing about Buck and forcing BT. In fact, had Tim not insisted on the scene of Buck telling Chris about Eddie being hurt, and The Will scene, we would have gotten barely any Chris OR Eddie even having LINES much less scenes in the whole episode! Girl has NEVER cared for Eddie or for Buddie and it shows. 6a was just her finding another excuse to not have them interact and because nothing was happening AT work, or in anyone's live OUTSIDE of work, there was no reason for them to have scenes. Like, 90% of 6a could have been an email and the big things that did happen with Henren and Athena haven't come up again or affected anything much outside of that one episode. Athena more so than Henren since I *think* Karen almost dying will come back up in the whole "bio-father" storyline, but Athena has had not a single mention of what happened in her big episode, or a talk with her BFF Hen about how it changed her perspective on things, or gave her closure, or anything.

It's just bad arc planning and episode pacing, and it's not exclusive to Buddie. Let's talk about Madney not even getting to go to couples therapy or talk about breaking up, or talk about getting back together, or have any kind of deep, hard-but-ultimately-healing conversation before moving back in together and buying a house. Boston was SUCH a good episode and everything after that has been off screen or a blink and you'll miss it moment. Regardless of any on set/film time limits for JLH, we could still have more Chim focus and make the time they DO have for JLH count for something.

[myrfing]

Regarding all your everything about today's WoL question xD

Yeah I get you ;w; like I do think it's fine if like ... That's how they write their WoL -- if their WoL perceives their relationship with the Scions to be not great. And often times I have to remind myself that how their WoL perceives it =/= how the player actually perceives it. But sometimes people do insist that the Scions don't really care about the WoL and that does make me a little sad fjdkskf. Especially after everything in ShB and EnW.

But. That's them and I have my own thoughts, so. Poyo ... Sometimes I wonder if FFXIV is as free as people say ... There wouldn't be so many interpretions of the WoL and their relationships with the Scions otherwise, but I'm a little rigid about the WoL + Scions relationships I see in the wild?

Also sorry for, dumping thoughts into your inbox. You might have noticed a bunch of new notifs as of late but I'm shy so. /Rolls away

OH. HI first sorry for being so gung ho about my opinions I do recognize some people put conflict between their wol and scions because their wol is just meant to have issues and complexities about anything from their goals, to heroism, whatever. Some of my favorite wols/writers in the fanbase have written their little guy to completely reject being the wol and the scions, to have run away and be very bitter and angry towards even the gentlest attempts to get them back, and I love what they wrote.

I do personally think though that the msq is a very linear and somewhat rigid story, and a lot of people just sort of…struggle with that. Maybe cus they like the antagonist characters more, maybe because they disagree with the scions politics and goals, maybe the story just doesnt work with what they want for their wol, maybe they just don’t plain like the scions as people and end up feeling like they’re being “forced” to do all this crazy shit “for their sake” when nothing they want aligns with the scions. like I have issues with the scions and always had since arr and to a point I suspend my disbelief but. A lot of people seem to think yeah none of this WAS worth it a majority of the game is boring ridiculous bs and I only liked amaurot/whatever. and they want this to be the reality for their wol without blame, for them to have a good reason to blame others that just…doesn’t really exist. So then all the quests and trials are just an unwanted burden, even though…this is just the leap of faith you give towards a video game that asks you to play it. like game mechanics suddenly are a personal affront, minfilia asking you to turn in a quest to her becomes an indication of her like, moral failings and inconsiderateness, alphinaud being gung ho about better eorzea is just a marker of how he’s a coldhearted despotic 16 year old dragging around your sad chained up angel wol strongest person ever btw with a leash. but instead being like oh yeah I want a canon divergence big time from the get go a weird number of people just preach their wildly poor faith readings about fairly mild and well-meaning characters as truth LMFAOOO. which like, sure, everyone go ham and have fun, but I see a lot of resulting complaints directed at the writers with weird amounts of vitriol. like oh the fucking scions are cruel ingrates towards garlyman1 and the writers wont let me yell at them for it in the new patch, they don’t know what they’re doing with their own themes. in the future i want the option to say/do [shit that would be absolutely wild for the character known as “Thee WoL” to suddenly say with no buildup and is entirely substantiated on their oc’s story]. like people legit turning on ishikawa WHOOO is not a perfect writer by any means but for just running with the basic premise that “the wol and the scions are friends and they want to do good by the world”. and this thing is the basic impetus that progresses you along the entire story and lets you experience its content. Some people have expressed such heavy disgust at this basic ass core thing that you had to play along with to play the game since you first spoke to the scions that I just…????. I guess it makes me think like do you actually LIKE the story or. did you go through 263836822 hours of it just hating the vast majority of it. which would be less weird if the game wasn’t so long and expensive and didnt require so much deliberate choice to keep playing.

and admittedly this is just me turning my nose up at shit out of my own tastebuds but some people will reach to make any character who in canon is like, just some guy living life, into bizarrely evil total fucking incompetent or manipulative assholes who are obsessed with making the wol’s life hell and whose entire existences revolve around making the player specifically the…biggest victim I guess. like jesus on the cross shit. every day wake up eat my cereal traumatize the wol who bears the weight of all the worldly sins because nobody thinks they are just #human and are content to let them suffer alone. and I personally find that uber masturbatory and weird in any writing lol. in the end I think a lot of what people write and how they write it is a communication of ideas and if that idea is “everyone sucks and is so mean to me the most sane and rational and human one of all time” and if you have to reduce the humanity of other characters to bolster yours to the point they have no resemblance to their original selves im going to be like your ideas fucking suck dude. also sorry this turned into another humungo rant it is cool to have you share your thoughts with me and i dunno if this is anything for making a distinction or finding the balance between “player freedom to write their own story” vs. actual misinterpetation. in the end i dont know what’s going on in people’s heads for sure

[reddhoodie]

I wanna here more about you're genderswapped au! Like, how the girls compare to their canon counterparts in terms of appearance and dynamic with each other and civilian life! I'm just really interested, and I loved your fic!

(I’m so sorry it took me forever to answer this- I wanted to wait until I was on my computer instead of mobile.)

First of all I’m so glad you enjoyed the fic! I really loved writing in that AU and definitely plan to do some more. As for the girls! (This got long so it’s under the cut.)

Brooke Wayne was a pretty average little girl, with her mother’s wavy black hair and her father’s blue eyes.

Growing up and training herself to become a crime fighter, she had to kind of play up the idea of being really into fitness to keep anyone from thinking it was weird that she was built more like an Olympic athlete than a model.

As far as the public is aware, Brooke is a slightly ditsy but well-meaning heiress with an obscene amount of money to blow on frivolous things like bedazzled sports cars. Unlike Bruce Wayne, who’s playfully referred to as a ‘playboy’, she’s more frequently referred to as a ‘slut’.

Her alter ego is still known as Batman, since the armor makes it hard to tell she’s a woman. She doesn’t mind, it’s that much more protection for her actual identity.

When Brooke first adopted Dixie Grayson she was this skinny little acrobat child doing flips everywhere. She had this absolute mop of deep brown hair so dark it looked black with curls going every which way. Alice was the only one who could tame it before important functions or school, otherwise her hair was forever a mess, because she was an active kid.

She had barely turned twelve when puberty hit her like a truckload of bricks. The media took notice immediately and in their eyes she wasn’t a kid anymore, and all that that implies. She was subject to a lot of objectification and some outright predatory behavior. Brooke, having been forced to grow up young herself, didn’t really know what was normal for a kid her age to be involved with, and Dix did some modeling as a preteen and teen, which didn’t help.

Brooke was able to shelter her from most of the worst of it, but it was still a major formative experience for her. She leaned even more heavily on her role of Robin, since no one ever called Robin ‘jailbait’ or commented on her curves.

That stress, combined with some other factors, led to the ‘rough patch’ (understatement) she and Brooke hit in their relationship. When Dix was 17/18 she left the manor, dropped out of the public eye entirely, and became Nightwing.

Dixie as an adult is curvy, and is mostly at peace with that. She’s still got very curly hair but since she wears it much longer (like to her waist, or longer), the curl is a little less obvious. As Nightwing she usually wears it in a ponytail, braid, or pinned up somehow.

A couple of years after Dixie left, Brooke ran into a scrappy street kid named Jaycee Todd who tried to steal the tires from the batmobile.

Baby Jay was skinny too, but not like Dix had been. She wasn’t lean muscle, she was malnourished and small. After living in the manor for a while she picked up some weight, but remained pretty small. She had straight black hair she’d cut herself, and it never looked brushed. Never. Alice would brush it out for her and five minutes later it looked like a mess again. It drove Jay crazy so she eventually got it cut pretty short.

Dix and Jay were wary of each other at first, but since Dixie was afraid Jay would have a childhood like hers had been, she took it upon herself to try and be some kind of older sister to protect her. Jay resisted that at first since it mostly consisted of Dix telling Jay what to do. But they both began to settle into a mostly sisterly relationship after a while.

In direct contrast to Dix, Jaycee didn’t really hit puberty until she was almost sixteen, and even then she stayed pretty small and skinny. Her knees and elbows were always bruised, and her hand-me-downs from Dix were pinned so they wouldn’t fall off her frame. She was often mistaken for a boy.

But then, Jaycee died.

The Lazarus pit had a dramatic effect on her besides just bringing her back to life. She’s as tall as Brooke, and twice as bulky. She’s built like a champion weight lifter, wide and strong and muscular. Her hair, once thin and straight, is thick and wavy, with a shocking white streak right in the front. She wears it in a braid wrapped up under her helmet, and keeps it long. Occasionally she’s still mistaken for a guy, but only when she’s in her full Red Hood gear since she’s more bulky than curvy and doesn’t have much chest to speak of.

After Jay died, Kimberly Drake showed up at Brooke’s doorstep.

Kim was smaller than Dix or Jaycee had been, not an athlete and well fed her whole life, so she was always softer than the two of them had been as kids. Her hair was long and usually braided or in a ponytail, with a bright ribbon tied into it that she hated but her mother insisted on.

Once she became Robin she desperately wanted her hair cut, but her parents wouldn’t allow it (and she couldn’t exactly explain to them just why she suddenly wanted her hair chopped off). So, she smashed some bubblegum into it and told her parents she’d fallen asleep with gum in her mouth. After two hours trying to comb the gum out, her parents relented, and she got it all chopped off into a cute little pixie cut.

Currently Tim is still smaller than her older sisters, although she has a fairly large chest that she gets embarrassed about, so she tends to wear baggy shirts to avoid comments. She let her hair grow out just long enough to curl again, so to about chin length.

And then eventually, just after everything was settling down after Jay came back and all that, Talin (aka genderswapped Talia) showed up with Damian Wayne and was like ‘here’s our daughter enjoy’.

First of all, the reason why Damian is still ‘Damian’ in this AU is because of @identityconstellations headcanon. Long story short it was because Ra’s wanted her to be a boy and so when she was a girl they called her Damian anyway basically to remind her that she’s not what they wanted.

The family mostly calls Damian ‘Dami’, to separate the name from the way she was treated with the League, and just because it’s a natural nickname.

She looks and acts shockingly like Brooke, but has Talin’s green eyes and catlike physique (so far…she’s only thirteen). Her hair is mostly straight but gets wavy when it’s wet or if it’s humid. Dami keeps it shoulder length because she insists it’s more practical.

No one is allowed to mess with her hair, except Alice and Dix. She’ll allow Brooke to brush it but expect a lot of fussing over it, or a scowl while her mother works. She insists she’s old enough for makeup but Brooke disagrees.

I hope this is enough detail on their appearances n’ stuff- I hope to draw all of them at some point to really illustrate the details of how I imagine them. I love talking about this AU so feel free to ask about anything. :>

(Their relationships are pretty much the same as in canon, but maybe with tweaks here and there.)

[thebrokenmasterpiece]

An Open Letter (About Me) | April 26, 2020 - 4:26 am | C J R

As I start the day and time is similar. April 26, 2020, 4:26am. Wow. I just thought of sharing about myself. (Sorry for my grammar. Please bare with it.) Take note this is just a summary or shorted story of my life (there is more behind these).

My life has a common story like other ordinary people. My story is not so easy has it seems. Bad and hard times, difficulties, sorrow but of course I also felt happiness, loved, care, blessed and peace.

Maybe some of you will say this story is so easy life and lucky one unlike to those who struggle since day one in the earth. For sure many of here will not believe, will judge, critize , curse and nag me because of my oh-so-pathetic-self pity-story-as-they-say, but who cares? It's my story to tell and my post to share. I am ready for your negativity because I'am full of it.

Ops, nah, I've decided that after this I will set aside my negativity and my badvibes in whole life. I will be more gracious thankful and honored to be still alive up, healthy and better until now. Here it goes.

My name is Camille Joy Juson Reyes but I preferred to be called by Cami / Mille but way back in college I used CJ as my nickname but I changed it for a reason and you will gonna know why. I'm 25 years old this year. Living on my own since last year (2019). My Father died when I was 7 years old because of heart disease. My Mother also died because of complications in her kidney and diabetes. I have 9 siblings but 1 of them died because of complication with kidney which the same disease that ends my Mother's life in earth. To top it up I am the youngest, the luckiest one they say.

Before my Father died my life is like a princess story. I have everything I've ever wanted a loving and happy family, decent and safe home, things like toys, bags, clothes, foods and so much to mention. Even though I have all I wanted there is still someone who will disagree to what I want to have and yup that's my Mother. She always nags and curses me everytime I tried to ask my Father to buy me this and those. She used abd always tells me "Tigilan mo kakapabili. Hindi tayo mayaman. Basura lang naman yang pinabibili mo (Stop asking so much, we aren't rich. Those things are trash.) So I stop asking my Father. But whenever he asked me what I want because I behave or got an award I will tell him but I say "Secret Papa" but in the end of the day my Mother will know about it and here and there she will shout how spoiled I am how brat I am. But I am thankful I have a complete and happy family or so I thought.

When my Father died everything changed. From being happy and complete to broken and uneasy life. My Mother became more conscious about money. She always think about what we gonna eat how we finish our study (by the way the time my Father died me and my other 4 siblings are still studying). My Sister (the eldest) helped Mother from bills to school fees and projects. She became our father thst time and until now (not after I left the house and started living on my own).

When our Father died one of my sister got pregant after a year. At first my Mother got angry and devastated because of my sister sudden pregnancy but later on she accepted and thought that baby is a gift from above to ease the pain she felt when her husband died. And that's how I started to change. Her grandchild became her most favorite. She always buy anything and everything and some of my toys and stuffed toy became my niece's property. She even released big amounth of money because of christening and first birthday of her grandchild. She even put her in a private school in kindergarten. How I envied my niece that time. How I wish I also got the chance to feel those special treatments. But it never happened.

When my niece still toddler my Mother bring her somewhere far seldom. So I am the one who always beside her. Going to market, going to bank, going to mall. I am the one who carried everything she bought. I am the one who stand to wait for a long line. And it changes when my niece started to grow up. She became the star and I am still nothing. Until it doesn't care anymore. I don't care if she got to celebrate her birthday with party and I am not. I don't care if she got a new toy and other stuffs and I don't. I don't care if I got scold because of her. I don't care if I got hit because of her. I don't care if she can stay inside my Mother's room and I am not even allowed to go inside without permission. I don't care if my Mother for the first time said that I shouldn't be here that it's better if I die. I don't care anymore.

I got bullied because of being "fat", "weak" and "crybaby". I never complained that to my Mother. I shut my mouth. I keep it in myself. Whenver I got home I will change clothes, eat (if there's a food to eat because sometimes we don't have) and do my assignment, project or so what, do house chores if there's any and repeat. My Mother shouts me I am lazy, worthless, stupid, idiot, dumb, trash and whatever hurtful words you can think whenver she see me doing nothing but watching or texting. She always see me doing nothing but when I do something? She still complains how pathetic and I am. When one of my sister left the house I started to use her room. I locked myself, listen to music and cry on my own. I became numb and torpid because of her. I even asked God "Why you have to get my Father instead of her?", "Why don't you just get me here?" "Are you even real?" kind of questions.

Honestly at the age of 10 I tried to kill myslef by drinking diswashing soap (my family doesn't know that. They don't know everything as always) but it didn't end my life. A pathetic failed suicide. My uncle (my Mother's brother) became so close to me 'coz I see my Father to him or so I thought. The more we got closer the more I became conscious because of how she touched, whispered and looked at me. Like someone will do something bad. And yes I am right. Year passed one afternoon I was sleeping in our living room (I'm alone because my sister got back and so to her room. My brother is also in his room. My Mother is also inside her room playing with her favorite gradchild. And yes I am alone). Our door is always close but not lock so anyone can sneak in and out. As for uncle he always like that come to our house and got in even without permission of course blood related. I felt someone touching and licking me in my private parts at first I thought it was a nightmare but when I slowly open my eyes I saw uncle licking my private part down there I push him away I wanted to scream but there's no voice coming out. I started to cry and hug myself. He sat beside me and ask for my forgiveness and he even offer me a money so I could shut my mouth. I didn't accept the money but he put it beside me and left. I thought that will be the first and last. But it just started there. He did it again. I wanted to ask my Mother's help I wanted her to help me but when I tried to tell her what her brother doing to but she opens up to me about her brother who is having a trouble to his family. She talked to me like I am a person who can help her. I listened I even saw my Mother cried because of sadness and angry because of her brother's family. She told me how good his brother, how generous, how kind, how selfless his brother. So I decided to keep it to myself. I let my uncle to those disgusting and dirty things to me because my Mother told me that uncle is sad and be nice to him. I don't want to see those eyes crying again because of sadness.

Until I got in high school. I thought it's the end. I thought it's new journey and a happy life for me. But no. It was still like hell. Uncle still do those disgusting acts to me. Worst is that he wanted me to touch his private part too but I disagree. Whenver he came to our house I always go to my sister's room or to my brother's room. Whenever he tried to lure me to come to him I will do something to avoid him. But of course it's not always like that. Worst thing he did to me is he fingered me and tried to put his private part to mine. But I told him if he still insist it I will report him to authority (not to my Mother of course) so he didn't forced me. But he asked me not to avoid him in return he will give me money and money and money. Because my Mother always complains to me how much my fees, projects, activities in school I decided to accept the money so I could use that to my study without asking for my Mother and my Sister. Worst thing that happened? My counsin (uncle's son) did the same to me. Damn this life. 4 years in high school is like 4 years playing fire on my hand. Before my high school endz I met my oh so second love (my Father was my first love) via social media. I met him because one of my niece knew him. He is sweet, loving, trustworthy again or so I thought. Day became months until I found out that he is a poser. But because he admitted and ask for my forgiveness I forgave him and continue our relation (without my family's permission). Months became year, again I found out that he is cheating on me. At first he denied it until I caught him with evidence so he admitted. I stop our communication there. But I still forgave him because he said he loved me truly it jist thst we are in a long distance relationship and not to mention thst we never meet. Damn I got hurt again because of my bullshit trust radar. Am I not worth for true? Am I not allowed to be loved? Am I not deserved to be happy?

Fast forward a little, when I got in college I swear to God how thankful I am to be far to uncle, his son and my Mother because my Sister decided that I will study in college in her side (Our eldest sister and 2 other brothers are living together to our grandparents' house (my Mother's parents) . So yippeed finally. I am free or so I thought. At first it was so fun. Living free and safe. I do my things. Help my Sister to her work sometimes or in the house. Until one of my brother (my youngest brother) came to my Sister's house and decided to stay, too. Still the same I do my things. But I noticed that I was the only one who helping our Sister. Like the hell is that? Because I am a girl? Because I should be the only one to do the chores? Damn it. But I push myself. I let it go. Still do the same. A year after one of my brother left the house because he wanted to start a family. My Sister got mad because he just graduated and didn't got a job but my brother decision is final because her girlfriend was pregrent. And ny other brother is giving my Sister a hard time because of his addiction to alcohol. Almost everyday he got drunk. Though he have his own family and living in the same roof. He even borrowed money to my Sister so many times (By the way he was the one I mentiobed above that died because of kidney complication.) but because my Sister is such an angel in disguise she always let it pass lent him money. Still fine until I got 18th. My Sister and her husband set a party for me. I am happy with that. So thankful that I could cele8my birthday on my own party. But after that it started to change.

The long I stayed to that house the bigger I got chance to know my Sister and for my opinion based on my experience she is soooooooooo like my Mother. Still thankful because I got in college and experiencing new stuffs. Back then I want to work and earn money while I am studying my Sister didn't allowed me. She make me chose between working or studying of course I chose to study. So my goal is to graduate have diploma and work. College isn't so easy so do life. When I left my Mother's house I seldom go there. I always excuse my class as a reason of not going back there. But day by day I started to miss her. To miss my old me, to miss my old life. How I wish I could bring my Father's life. So my life my family and me can back again to the old times. My Sister is supportive slash not. She supported me in my study but when it comes to activities in school she always mad and irritated. She and my Mother became paranoid for me being in a relationship because of my two sister who got pregnant and abandoned their child to my Mother. So whenever I go in a relationship it's always a secret (if your gonna ask if my past relationships does know about my past with uncle and cousin. The answer is no.) Lets go to my first one. The poser who cheated on me, we got in communication again after a half year. So we're good as friend. He talks sweet again he gave so much time he opened up about this relationship. We're good but I still have feelings for him but I knee isn't right. So I slowly end our conversation and communication without my knowledge he became close to my friend and ever closer to one of them as in closer where they got call sign or endearment to each other. No comment for that but I messaged him thst never ever flirt or let my girl friend falls to him especially he is damn taken abd I believed in his bullahit promised. Then one fine sunny day one of my friend confessed to me that girl friend of mine became MU of my ex (YUP HE IS TAKEN ALREADY AND MY GIRL FRIEND KNEW ABOUT IT. HOW SLUT RIGHT?) Now I got mad totally mad I even cursed him to go to hell both of them. Not because of jealousy but because of betrayal.

A two years passed by and I am 17th. I changed my course. I got new friends. Same school, same environment. But I became more adventurous, fearless and curious about everything. So before my 18th I decided to lose my virginity though not so clean by the way because of uncle and his son but it was a shock to me and an epic one when we (a guy who I met again on social media but this one I met him) decided to do that in hotel but unexpected visitor came too early than usual. So the blood I thought comes from my visit is a blood from my virginity but my boyfriend that time thought it was just a mensuration and I am not a virgin and accused me of being a liar. After that epic situation he started to be cold and avoid my messages. So I decided to end our relationshit. Shit. I was the devasted and overthinking that no one will accept me. That my Mother and Sister is right I am trash, worthless, stupid, nonsense. That they are right I should have die long ago. So I repeat myself again. Lock myself, isolated myself, be an introvert.

So I became cold. And careful to my actions. I became bitter. I became pistanthrophobia. One of my new sets of friend introduced me to someone she knew. He is kind, sweet and loveable like the other guys. But I gave him a chance I doesn't feel the love I felt before but still it work out for 1 year and 2 months I guess? We just broke up because I got tired of his drama like hello my life is full of sucks of drama though I understand him but he never understand me that's why I got tired of him. He wanted to build his own family but he doesn't even know how his family will survive because of property. I wanted him to dream more. I wanted him to achieve his goal before settling down. And so for me I stop getting in a relationship. So I could focus on my study. But oh I'm such a flirt I met this guy on clash of clans. We got along together. And after a few months we're together. He knew about my past. He accepted me for who I was and I am now. He accepted my family's flaw. Until now we're together. We're living together. But before we ended here we were in a long distance relationship for almost 3 years. Fast forward again, I was already working, back then I was a kitchen helper/staff. I used CJ as my nickname like college because I got a lot of same name in school and im work. But I quit after 6 months because of my Mother. She asked me to quit and find another one which more decent and nice one but here finding a job is like finding true love DAMS SO HARD. LIKE, YOU NEED AN EXPERIENCE TO GET A JOB BUT YOU HAVE TO GET A JOB TO GET EXPERIENCE. DAMN THOSE HRDO'S QUALIFICATION STUPIDITY LEVEL. Well thanks to my Sister who helped me to found another job way, way better than before. I am thankful for that super! Such a big help. Super blessed to have a sister like her (though most of the time I'm unappreciated by her and our Mother.)

Ops! Not yet the ending. I wanted you to know why I left. 2019 my Mother died. I am hurt of course though we don't have those mother moments and bonding I still respect and love her. After she died things changes again. The flaw in the house. The way other people talks. It all changed. My Sister's husband who supposedly one of my admiration because of his patience became most hated one. He spread false accusations to me and other siblings without my Sister's knowing of course. In front of my sister she's a goodman saint but behind her back he is the worst. He stab people behind our back. He makes stories like he is the best writer. After all those years that my Sister and "his" sacrifices to make me finished college and got a fine and decent job (Everything my Sister gave me was his, too.) he said behind my back that I'm ungrateful, worlthless, brainless, trash. How do I know? Of course those people he was talking to was people who's good to me. I got tired of those bullshit again. My sister and I had fought because of she had I idea that because of her husband why I itching to leave that house.

But no one can stop me. I decided to live on my own. So those trashtalks can be true now because that's how it really looks like. My boyfriend worried that I will live on my own so he suggested to live with him so we ended together in one roof. No one calls me trashy words. No one hoping me to die. No one wishing me bad.

But to be honest I am grateful and thankful for all those struggle I've encountered I became who I am. I ask God for his graciously love and forgiveness for getting tired for life he lent to me. I ask my parents, their wisdom and understanding why I ended here. And knowing that my sister isn't good at my decisions I hope one day he'll open her eyes and her mind along with her heart to realized the real reasion why I decided to live on my own (by the way I left on the exact birthday of my Mother. First birthday that she isn't here). I'm blessed those I started in a hard time.

Full of loans before starting. Full of problems to my life. Full of what ifs on my mind. Full of sorrow on my heart. But in thr name of God and Jesus with all the good saints up there I know I can make it. I will make it.

PS. I don't mention anyone's name except me for not involving them so I used pronoun. I don't want to be more complicated. I wanted to share this story. For those who felt unloved, betrayed, worthless. It's okay. You are not the only one. Keep it up and open your heart and mind to appreciate God's love and bless and you will found unconditional loving and support.

The End. | April 26, 2020 - 8:17 am