#feel like breaking a lot of hearts today including my own </3

[humberg]

'This city won't be the same without you. Least for me.'

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[dracowars]

Hii! If you’re comfortable with it, Can I request a draco malfoy x fem!reader where they are in a secret relationship and in the Battle Of Hogwarts and he lets it slip that they’re in a relationship and one of the death eaters (Lucius maybe?) overhear draco and the reader talking and sees them kiss and the death eater tells Voldemort and reader ends up getting tortured by Voldemort in front of Draco and he ends up killing her. Lots and lots of angst if that’s okay aha :)

gone | draco malfoy

pairing: draco x reader

word count: 1,6k

summary: where draco betrays the dark lord and y/n pays for it

a/n: this is sooo sad :(( ugh, it broke my heart to write but i hope you enjoy it! <3

warnings: angst, major character death, torture, use of unforgivable curse(s)

universe: harry potter

"Draco! Draco, over here!", you whisper-yell at him as you spot him running past the hallway you are currently in, hiding as Hogwarts is slowly falling apart around you. You step outside of your small hiding spot to make him even more aware of you as he comes sprinting towards you now, like a man with a mission, white hair disheveled and blood sticking to his face that you can only hope is not his own.

"What are you doing?! You need to stay hidden", he reproaches you the second he arrives, leaving you no time to answer as he already pushes you back into the small niche of the corridor where you have been waiting for him.

Draco's face hovers over yours now, his arms trapping you against the wall, and you can't help but ignore that the war is raging outside for a second when you look into his eyes. The long and desperate kiss he gives you comes to no surprise and you let him take away your breath. Breaking the kiss, he then places his forehead against yours, tips of your noses touching as he twirls a strand of your hair around his finger.

"His army lays siege to Hogwarts as long as he doesn't capture and kill Harry", Draco reveals, sighing as he places a soft kiss against your forehead, grabbing one of your hands. "Harry must surrender or he will kill everyone, including you."

"We need to stop him, Draco", you whisper sadly, squeezing his hand. "We can't win without Harry. He is the key."

"Babe, don't you understand? We can't stop him, not alone anyway", Draco shakes his head with a sad and defeated smile, kissing the knuckles of your hand. "If we leave now-"

"I won't leave. I will be here when we win and I will be here when we lose. I don't care, Draco. This has to stop today", you say confidently, trying to hide the pain your own words inflict on yourself. "Isn't there anything else you found out that can give us advantage?"

"I- I don't know. It's not easy spying on them. I was too close to getting caught too many times, Y/N. I can't risk it another time", he answers and you know how much of a burden this has been to him over the past couple of months. You can't imagine spying on your own parents to be easy, even if it is for a good cause. You can't blame him, so you try to think of something else.

"Listen", you say, gaining back his attention as he was playing with the family ring on your finger absentmindedly. "If Harry has to surrender, where does he want him to go? Do you know that?"

"Y-Yes, actually. In the forest next to the castle. All the Death Eaters will be there, my parents will be there too", Draco reveals, dragging his last sentence as he apparently comes to the same conclusion as you do. "I will be there too."

"You will be there too", you repeat, a feeling of hope running through your veins. You may actually have a chance.

"I don't know if it will work", he worries, pinching the bridge of his nose while sighing.

"It will", you persuade him, and yourself, flinching shortly as you hear a loud crack near you, as if someone was sneaking up on you, but Draco makes sure that no one is around to see the both of you. "We just have to believe in it. What other chance do we got?"

"You are right. We will manage", Draco agrees, trying to sound hopeful but the sorrow in his voice makes it really difficult to believe.

"Meet you in the Great Hall?", he asks, this time actually smiling as it reminds both of you of your first dates, when you would meet at the big tables, talking for hours with no worries in the world. Some things may have changed since then, but your love definitely didn't. At last, it only got stronger.

"Yes, meet you in the Great Hall. Be careful", you smile back, placing a kiss on his cheek like you always do. "I love you."

"I love you, too", Draco whispers against your lips as he gives you one last kiss, putting all his emotions into it before he reluctantly pulls away. Waving each other goodbye, you seperate into different directions, each of you having your own mission to attend to.

But you can't help shake the feeling that you are being watched.

════════════

"Let go of me, you filthy-", you scream at the Death Eater who violently throws you onto the mossy ground, into a circle of other Death Eaters.

You honestly don't know what happened. The one second you were trying to help defend Hogwarts, the next one you were captured and now you are in the forest, namely the forest where the Dark Lord wants Harry to be. Harry, not you.

"Ah! Look who was kind enough to join us today", a laughing voice echoes throughout the trees and you immediately turn around, scrambling to get on your feet again. "Ms. Y/N. Welcome."

"What the hell do you want from me?!", you scream at him, trying to seem as intimidating as possible as you try to hide your fear. His creepy smile screams victory and it sends shivers down your body. Having all the control over you, knowing why you are here for - he thrives in it, loves to see his victims suffer.

"Well, well, you don't know? I have been told about a very, very bad and horrific betrayal. A betrayal which you are involved in, unfortunately. You and... your boyfriend, I assume?"

Voldemort's word let your blood freeze in your veins and your heart stands still the next second when he gives a signal with his bony hand, causing his devoted followers to roughly throw Draco into the circle as well. A scream of pain leaves your throat as he hits the ground, almost unconscious as you reach him.

His right eye is swollen, the soft skin around it turning purple, and his nose looks like it is broken, traces of blood all over his entire face. Your fingers tremble when you carefully touch his cheek, but you sigh in relief when he opens his eyes again, looking at you.

Immediately, Draco gets up with your help, pushing you behind him which is to no use considering you are trapped in a circle full of Death Eaters.

"Your father is extremely disappointed in you, my dear Draco. Seeing you with this girl, who is clearly not on our side.. You betrayed me", Voldemort grins a psychotic smile in your direction, playing with the wand in his hand as suddenly, his whole demeanour changes in the matter of seconds. "No one betrays the Dark Lord."

You do not even have time to react as he points his wand at the both of you, sending Draco through the air since he blocked the spell from you. Once again, you let out a scream as he violently lands on the ground, sharp stones piercing his body. This time, however, you are not allowed to help him as two Death Eaters grab your arms, pulling you back harshly.

"No! No! Let me go!", you fight back, trying to escape their filthy hands but they are too strong. You can only watch how two other Death Eaters pull Draco up, securing him in their grasp.

"A punishment is due for your truly outrageous treason, my dear boy", the Dark Lord says like it is the most normal thing in the world. "I can't believe you thought I would let you get through with this. Do you think so little of me?"

"Don't hurt her, she has nothing to do with it! Take me instead", Draco begs, trying his best to fight back, to free himself in order to rescue you. But he is already so weak that he can't do anything. And he just gave him more fuel to fully ignite the inferno.

"Young love, how dramatic.. No", Voldemort replies with that devilish smile that reminds you of a snake and when he looks at you now, you know there is no escape. You know that he will have his revenge. And you will be the target.

You are right because you feel excruciating pain the moment he casts one of the unforgivable curses on you. Screaming in pain, you writhe in agony, your body feeling like it is burning. Your sight gets blurry, your heart beats in your ears and you can't hear anything else than your own painful screams. Screams for help, screams to make it stop, screams to release you from this unbearable pain.

In Draco's eyes, his worst nightmare just came true. You are being tortured right in front of him and he can't do anything against it. No matter how much he begs, no matter how much he fights against the strong grip on him, he is helpless. He even tries to convince other Death Eaters, those who seem familiar to him, to make it stop, but not a single one of them even budges. They just watch it happen and his parents are nowhere in sight, either.

Draco's world ends the second he hears the worst of the three unforgivable curses and all that is left is your limp, lifeless body.

Only then do they let him go. Only then he can finally embrace you, however, this time you are not hugging him back. In fact, you are not moving at all as all the life has left your body completely, not even giving him the chance to say one final goodbye. Draco keeps talking to you, clasping you in his arms as he keeps rocking the both of you back and forth, whispering to your face to wake up, even though, deep inside, he knows you won't.

Because it is too late. You are already gone.

And when the realization finally dawns on him, there is no going back. He is going to kill every single one of these Death Eaters.

But only after he killed the Dark Lord first.

[kyokikia]

Dine and dash!

Pairings ; Portgas D. Ace × fem!reader

Request from @luvfzw : heyy can i request a female reader and any one piece char of your choice with a platonic partners in crime trope? (With a smidge of romance if you want)

(thank you for the request! And my night is going great, ty for asking as well!)

Type, fluff and platonic, partners in crime trope

Warnings, cursing (both in dialogue and in the actual story) and thats about it, y/n is used 2-3 times

Likes and reblogs are very appreciated!

alr so ik the main storyline is dine and dashing, but ive never actually dine and dashed.. so uhm, i'll just work with what i think is how it works! Im really sorry if i got it wrong, feel free to send over an ask or a message if i did anything wrong and i'll fix it!

You and Ace were what some people would call partners in crime. Did that mean you guys committed crimes together a lot? Yea of course, you were his best friend after all. You and Ace had each other's back unconditionally, and everyone could tell. You both were always together, honestly knowing he knew your weaknesses better than you did your own, and vice versa. Both of you also seemed to be in sync, so much so that it was worrying. You both always knew what the other wanted when together, which meant you mostly knew what the other felt most of the time, and this included whenever you both felt hungry. Which led you to today.

You and Ace walked around an island that the ship decided to stay in for a day and a night, just to resupply some necessities, take a break, the usual. And you and Ace took this time to wander around the island's city, turns out this island was quite well-of and sort of large, a few shopping districts, good housing, very nice restaurants, an actually nice hospital, and good-looking hotels. Walking all over the city had both of you hungry after a few hours, so both of you started looking for restaurants to eat in.

Both of you agreed not to go for too much of a fancy restaurant, but not too bad of a restaurant either, you wanted good food after all. The pair of you chose a restaurant that was kind of crowded, and thankfully it wasn't those kinds of restaurants where you needed reservations and all that. You both found a table and after ordering, you both didn't wait too long before getting your food served.

You were both seated at a table not too far from the exit, but not the most easily noticeable or seen by the staff. You contentedly watched Ace as he was satisfying his near bottomless stomach while you also ate to your heart's content. The two of you conversing about stupid stuff, and also more silently, talking about how you're gonna get the fuck out of there without paying this time. This wasn't your first time committing these kind of not so harmless shenanigans with him.

The food was good in your opinion, but you both made sure not to spend too long there and when you both finished up, you got up, and left, after telling Ace to come in a few minutes, which he did not listen to. "Ace what the hell!" You whisper-shouted with no serious anger laced in your voice as you watched him exit out of the diner's doors just a minute after you left.

"Why'd you leave so soon!" You whined, bickering with him with a slight teasing manner. He looked at you while smiling with his usual grin, before replying with, "well, because i know I wouldn't get caught!" His response got him an obvious facade of being offended, "I? You deadass think only you wouldn't get caught?" You remarked, with a fake scoff leaving your mouth right after.

His grin grew larger at your scoff, before he quickly answered with, "Yea well I don't think you would get caught but I'm ju—" "just better than me?" You interrupt him, with a knowing smile on your face, before he looks straight in your eyes, "yea. i'm better than you." You look at him and his eyes as he says that, before deciding to turn away frohe freckled man, and you started distancing yourself and walking away from the restaurant and Ace, with him quickly trying to catch up, "hey! y/n! you know i was only joking!"

After he says that, you stop walking and say, "Yea yea i know! But—" the last part of your sentence, you purposefully pause and whispered. Before continuing it with a, "Last one to the ship actually has to pay for the next restaurant visit we go to!" You exclaim with a joyful grin before taking off, running back to where you came from. Ace takes a moment to register what you said, and why you're running off, and what'll happen if he loses. And once he does take it in, his eyes quickly widen before he takes off after you.

"y/n! This is unfair! You got a headstart!" Ace complained, running after you as he quickly tries catching up, the two of you running back to the ship. Eventually, you run out of stamina and start to tiredly walk, Ace not as run down on stamina as you are. "Alright alright Ace! We're done with the race—" you mutter while out of breath, the both of you were close to the ship anyway.

He slows down to match your pace, letting you regain your breath and you both approach the ship, "well, looks like i win!" Ace exclaimed cockily, "yea yea whatever." You replied in frustration at having to pay for the next meal, especially with his bottomless stomach.

"Don't worry about paying for the next meal, i'd rather not pay at all" he assured, "but.. you and me, we go out and steal for a hefty load of berry the next stop we have, alright?" He declared, and to which you gladly accepted. It's free money, and you get to commit crimes with Ace, win win for you all the way!

Alright so sorry this is kinda trash, first one shot i really finished that i'm actually gonna post! I dont know how dine and dash works so i also apologize for that, and im also sorry if you wanted something more intense in the sense of partners in crime! I'm really sorry if you wanted something like robbery or something like that, my brain just couldn't figure a storyline for anything other than this. Please let me know if its to your liking!

[reivrze]

hi, miyu! i just found your blog today and INSTANT FOLLOW! i'm in awe because of your beautiful writings; the way you described the scenes like in the jay one, it gave me butterflies fr 😍🦋✨️i also appreciate and love that you spent your time putting cute and aesthetically pleasing designs in each of your content, it's so cute 💓💓💓

also, i see that you are accepting requests? if it's okay with you, can i request headcanons/reactions (whichever you think is better and easier to write) of how enha would show their support when their partners want to try something new? like picking up on new hobbies such as signing up for dancing classes, learning foreign languages and etc.? i'm currently picking up on a few new things myself and have been struggling to keep consistent 🤧 i hope you're having a great day and please stay safe and keep hydrated! 🙆🏻‍♀️

a/n : this is such a cute requests >.< the fact that this is my first ever request makes me so happy oml. legit called my friends bcuz i got excited ㅠㅠ i chose to go for a headcanons format since its what i find easier to do at the moment, so i hope you're satisfied :) i had a hard time coming up with what to write for heeseung and niki tbh lmao

pairing: enhypen x gender neutral!reader

genre: fluff

warnings: none really

m.list !

— heeseung would find this new interest as a way to spend more time with you, with his overload of work, he'd want to pick up on whatever you do on your free time to be able to make up for all the times he had to reschedule a date because of work. this new hobby would definitely a bonding experience for the two of you.

rest of the members under the cut !

— jay would be the type to show his full support to anything you'd like to try, he wouldn't be able to hide his admiration. if your new hobby was something you did at home, like drawing or writing, he'd sit next to you and just watch you with those lovey dovey eyes he gets around you. but he also has this need to take care of you and makes sure you're balancing self-care and working.

— jake would be slightly competitive but not in a bad way! he'd want to try whatever you were trying out or get super curious about the lessons you'd be starting or the activity you were starting. he'd ask a lot of questions, trying to involve himself as much as he could and show his full support for you :)

— sunghoon isn't the best communicator, he gets shy whenever confronted to his feelings towards you, so his way of showing support would be through little actions and gifts. if you were starting new lessons, he'd write you a little good morning letter and wish you the best for your day. you can expect flowers on the kitchen counter for you when you get back home ( AHHH MY HEART &lt;3 )

— sunoo is your BIGGEST cheerleader !! i can't stop emphasizing the fact that this boy would literally be there for you through every step of whatever you were trying. he is on a mission to not let you give up. if you were attending new classes, he'd hide little notes in your notebooks giving you motivating words. just overall your own personal cheerleader

— jungwon's love towards you sometimes translates as him basically mothering you. he's very supportive of your choices and wants you to succeed but he can't help the need to want to make sure you're doing okay. this includes him having to physically pull you away from your work to take a break and eat something, to force you into drinking the required amount of water per day, and picking you up and putting you in bed to make sure you get enough sleep.

— niki likes to pretend he's fully grown and is able to do anything so when you told him you were starting a new activity, he became overly confident and would challenge you to who could have a better result (this is if your new hobby is something like drawing). other than his slight competitiveness, he loves to see you so determined to accomplish something and would find you working adorable.

© miyu 2023 - do not copy, translate, repost or plagiarise my work anywhere !

[samptlay]

To My Sweetheart Who Carries A Wounded Heart Ch. 8

A/N: February 29... It's been more than two weeks, my apologies... But enjoy, btw I'm uploading 9 & 10 today.

~

Series Masterlist, Chapter 1 🤍, Chapter 2 🖤, Chapter 3 🤍, Chapter 4🖤, Chapter 5🤍, Chapter 6🖤, Chapter 7🤍, Blade & Reader's Relationship,

Taking a deep breath in and out, you make a beeline out of the guest bedroom and make your way towards the kitchen. At this point, you've lost your appetite and don't feel like eating.

You're not eating for two any longer either way, so the only person you're harming is yourself. Who cares?

Deciding that coffee is enough to satisfy your needs, you open your phone to find no new notifications, (from other human beings, not some Pinterest board of house decor) which makes you both relieved and irritated. At this time of the day, March and Stelle would be bantering or debating on some random political topic in your group chat (including Himeko, Welt & Dan Heng) that you would jump in on for fun. It was oddly quiet today, and you were glad that they were taking into account the loss of life, yet conflicted about the change.

It wasn't routine. It was change, something you suddenly weren't accustomed to yesterday night. You physically shiver at the thought of everything that’s happened. You felt the same way when you woke up alone today, but you’ll get over it. Speaking of alone, you still have no idea where your husband is. You trust him, but did he have to leave without any notice? You gave him a call, but after two rings it went to voicemail, Opening Messages, you click on “Dearest💙” and write a text.

(Y/N) ❤

Honey, where are you? I went to the guest room and found the bed empty, I was hoping we could make breakfast together this morning. Call me when you can. I’m sure there’s a lot of things on our minds but we’ll be okay.

Well, it was delivered, so you know it went through. But after sitting in silence for a few minutes, which turned into ten, you wondered if it did. It wasn’t like him to take long to respond to you, especially since he’s been all over his phone for the past 6 weeks. Protective as well, he even changed the password on it without telling you. You’d leave the memories of confrontations in the past since thinking about them is what caused all this to happen. But you’ll inevitably think of them again.

The silence takes you back to a conversation with Himeko around two weeks ago when she invited you over for afternoon tea (or coffee). It was a rainy day and the breeze was chilly, so what better thing to do but have a friend over to talk to while enjoying the beautiful scenery outside? She could tell there was lots on your mind, so she decided you needed a small break from your husband and his shenanigans.

During this relaxing afternoon, it suddenly turned sour whenever she mentioned that you had seemed more on edge lately. It was likely because he was at home more frequently, caused by a catastrophic event at his workplace he refuses to tell you about. According to him, HR was sticking their noses into something that shouldn’t have concerned them, and since he worked with computers he was sent home with his stuff to work from there.

You didn’t want to seem pushy or disrespect his boundaries since the matter seemed personal to him, so you didn’t pry further. Himeko was intrigued by this and looked a bit taken aback, since you were his wife, exactly what boundaries were there that would be crossed by asking a simple question? She found this suspicious, which rubbed you the wrong way and caused you to become defensive. He was your husband, you trusted him more than anything and she was his friend as well, so why would anything be said by her that painted him in a bad way?

Irritated, you stormed out of her penthouse and made your way down with Himeko calling out to you. She had meant no harm and was only trying to look out for you, but you were too caught up in your own head to see that. However, later that evening you gave her a call pleading for forgiveness & blaming it on the pregnancy. She knew you wouldn’t usually react that way if she had advised you of something similar, so she wasn’t upset with you at all. She even apologized for doubting Levi. You two quickly made amends and all was forgotten, but the conversation still replayed in the back of your mind occasionally.

You were sad to admit you felt rather lonely and were left alone with your thoughts. Looking out the window, and bringing your mug to your mouth your mind trails off into a place you don’t want it to be. You’re in desperate need of a distraction, and you want to distract yourself with someone else. You could be entertained together, shut away from the rest of the world.

Picking up your phone again, you scroll through your favorite contacts until you come across the one name that always made you smile.

‘Ren🥀🖤’

What better way to get away from it all than to spend your time with the person associated with the one thing you knew would never change?

His stance by your side.

~

Taglist: @uhfhfhfhf @xdrin @msun1c0rn @lovingnahida @strrawb3rrysh0rtcak3 @ssecylia @skyl8ver @immahuman @meowmeowraven @01234 @markexplanation @esthelily @dawnofazrael

Borders by @cafekitsune

[bonesandthebees]

Okay I'm on desktop because my mobile Tumblr is bugged and won't let me view profiles so I haven't been able to send any asks but I'm here now.

Spoilers for The Priory of The Orange Tree btw for anyone who hasn't read it yet (do it. Go in as blind as possible)

I have been reading Priory and was slowly reading a few pages at a time but because I was sick and getting used to some new meds I'm on (hurray for experimentation and diagnosis on the horizon), I found it hard to actually sit down and just read it but I did it today (yesterday? it's 2am) and holyy shit. I went from being just under 20% through the book to 51% (I track my progress with books w a Notion to motivate myself to read lol) in one day and read about 400 pages. I have just hit part 3 after Ead is exiled.

The world is so rich and the characters are so interesting and I can already feel the ideas I have for my own fantasy world and how I can improve on writing / world building from this since complete fantasy is one of my weaker points as a writer but I want to try my hand at doing one that I would maybe publish in the future.

Tane my beloved. I love Tane so much and as much as I love Ead and Loth's povs, I always found myself wanting to go back to her perspective and learn more about dragonriding and the culture of the East, especially in the earlier parts of the book. Loth is a pov I wasn't expecting but I liked more than I thought I did. Especially when he gets to the Priory it is so interesting to see the reaction of someone who believes so much in the religion of the Vitrudom. Also the Yscalin situation breaks my heart. I felt so bad for the Princess during her entire conversation with Loth.

Niclays is the only pov that I don't particularly enjoy. I like his personality and I find his backstory to be interesting but I'm just not as invested in his storyline as I am in everyone else's.

I have stopped myself from reading just to have some restraint and try to get some sleep but I am so excited to read more. Wish I had someone to talk to in person about it but none of my friends are as into books as I am or as fast at reading.

But overall I love this book so far and I am already planning on locating and devouring other books by Shannon, including Day of Fallen Night and her other series I believe the first book of which is called Bone Season? Anyway feel free to give fantasy book recs as I want more. Poppy Wars and Unwind are already on my list.

I generally like darker books but I also like romance from time to time (sapphic preferred but I am not heterophobic)

Splitting into 2 parts because this is already really long.

-Shark anon (it's me I swear)

shark hi omg you have priory talk for me I'm THRILLED

that is so much of the book to read in one day holy shit good job. usually I read for about an hour to an hour and a half every night of whatever book I'm on (although I was reading 2 hours every night with both priory and a day of fallen night bc I was so into them all I wanted to do was read them) and that's about the max my attention span for reading can handle before my brain gets tired

okay you ask for more fantasy recs at the end so I'll answer them here and then put all my priory thoughts in the read more below

She Who Became the Sun by Shelley Parker-Chan is less fantasy focused (although there are fantasy elements in it) but it's really interesting with the historical setting (1300s mongol-ruled China) and has incredibly fascinating themes and conversations about gender and masculinity and all that. there are both sapphic and gay relationships focused on in the book. it's definitely darker than priory with a lot more discussions around moral greyness and complicated characters. also, I actually liked the sequel to this one He Who Drowned the World more, although it was way darker than the first book and also made me cry. twice.

right now I'm reading a book called The Fifth Season by NK Jemison, and I love the worldbuilding in this one so much. the POV and narration in the book is done in a fairly unique way at certain points, but the world itself is really what's drawn me in. it's fantasy but in a darker way. the world of The Fifth Season is one that is constantly torn apart by earthquakes so it focuses on a culture that is used to the apocalypse happening basically every few centuries. it's just so interesting to explore a culture so deeply rooted in survival and doomsday prepping and there's also a very fascinating magic system at play here. there is a queer relationship featured in it (only for a part of the book), but it's not sapphic

also right now I'm reading a book called The Jasmine Throne by Tasha Suri. there's absolutely no reason for me not to be obsessed with this book, but I'll be honest it hasn't grabbed me quite like Priory did. I'm taking a break from it to read the Fifth Season so maybe when I go back to it I'll be more invested? but it's very good! It features incredibly rich worldbuilding with a fantasy empire inspired by Indian culture/history, with a somewhat toxic sapphic romance/dynamic blooming at the center. definitely a lot of potential for this one so we'll see how I feel after I finish it

okay now priory talk time spoilers under the cut

but yes the world is SO rich and all the characters are so interesting. the reason I wanted to read priory in the first place was bc I was trying to read a lot of royalty-centered fantasy to help me write rose, and then I just got completely sucked into the book itself. samantha shannon's worldbuilding is just so richly layered and complex but it never feels too dense to understand. like it's a Lot, but it all flows together so well

definitely agree with your opinions on the POVs. when I was reading I was mostly interested in Ead and Tane, and then Loth got way more interesting to me once he left Yscalin for the Priory. Niclays was the only POV I really struggled to connect to. I liked him a lot more towards the end but even then I still preferred the other POVs. I really like him as a character and I think Shannon does an amazing job with his arc, I just didn't click with him as much as I did the other three POVs

if you're interested in learning more about the East you'll LOVE a day of fallen night. we get to see so much more of Seiiki history with the dragonriders and the government and all that. actually adofn just gives you so much more worldbuilding in general which was incredible for me, because the world and history of the roots of chaos series is what has really roped me in. like I love all the characters so much and I'm usually a character first girlie, but I honestly would read about any characters Samantha Shannon wants to write about in whatever point of history in the roots of chaos world because I just love the world itself so much. but yeah adofn is incredible both story wise and worldbuilding wise (and tbh I think I felt more attached to the characters in adofn than the first book but that might be recency bias). you get to learn so much more about the East as a whole (not just Seiiki, but you spend time in the Empire of the Twelve Lakes AND another country not mentioned in the first book called Sepul), you get to learn about and see a ton of Hróth which is only mentioned in the first book, and you get to see a lot more of life in the Priory as well. it's just so so good you'll love it

I haven't read the bone season and I don't know if I plan to because I read the description for the series and it doesn't seem to be my type of vibe, but I'll consider it if I get through my current reading list (which is ever growing tbh)

so so glad you're enjoying priory so far I'm so happy that so many of you have taken my recommendation

[andiwriteordie]

so today on my lunch break, i was watching this interview with carmen cuba, the casting director of stranger things, who literally has my whole entire heart because this show is casted wonderfully, please give her all the awards

but she started talking about robert englund’s audition process for victor creel and said some interesting things about the duffers and the way they go about auditions:

(at about 9:45) “...The Duffers really figure out a lot about the characters through auditions. ... Then they watch a lot more than a lot of directors and creators do, because they learn about the character through people’s auditions, which is an amazing process for me and really fun.”

and all of this got me thinking. if the duffers are watching the audition process this carefully and even in the audition process letting their actors so deeply shape and inform who these characters are, then how much more are they listening and watching the actors they’ve already hired? 

i mean, the best example is, of course, joe keery. steve was meant to be the stereotypical asshole jock killed off after s1, but joe brought his charisma and lovable nature to the character. and the duffers saw that, adapted to it, and made steve into one of the most beloved characters on the show! 

same with joe quinn, right? we know eddie was meant to be harsher, more of a rival to steve, less likable, etc. but joe brought his own take to eddie and made him incredibly sympathetic, lovable, and all around liked by most people who have watched s4.

i say all of this to say... i think about finn wolfhard, who (at least among the “kids” though they’re not really kids anymore) has the most experience and exposure to other things outside of stranger things. finn knows his shit. he’s incredibly intelligent and understands storytelling and media, and it clearly informs the way he plays his characters, including mike! i mean, for crying out loud, the kid is like what? 20? and already directing his first feature film? finn has a knack for media. 

so you’re going to tell me that finn—who began this show as the primary child protagonist—would just... allow his character to become nothing more than a love interest without any underlying nuance to him? yeah no, that doesn’t seem right to me. 

after playing mike for so many years and also being given two seasons to play in the sandbox and get to dive into the character growth and development of mike, finn doesn’t strike me as the kind of person who would be satisfied if mike was essentially relegated to a dumb teenage love interest for el in seasons 3-5. 

maybe if that’s who mike had always been, i could believe it. but the mike wheeler who spent a whole week searching in the woods for his best friend? who jumped off a cliff to protect one of his best friends? who gave that fucking beautiful and so genuine speech in the shed because he was scared of losing his best friend? 

yeah no, i just don’t feel like finn would be satisfied with mike really having 0 growth or sense of direction to his character... unless he knew that there was more to mike’s change in behavior.

and if the duffers are clearly listening and communicating with their actors to allow them to help shape their characters... then idk. sounds like byler endgame to me 🤷🏻‍♀️

[some-teeth-in-a-trench-coat]

I saw your reblog+tags and I'm curious: how does one play Minecraft with a Jewish twist? :0

Basically, I'm trying to play in a way that corresponds to Halakha (Jewish law), which for now mainly involves trying to simulate Shekhita (Kosher slaughter). I did a lot of research on the requirements for the type of blade (called Khalaf or Sakin Hashekhita depending on who you ask) as well as how it must be used and concluded that only a diamond or netherite sword with sharpness V was suitable for slaughtering a cow (as they deal 10 and 11 damage respectively and a cow has 10 health and it Must be a one hit kill to be kosher, additionally it cannot be a critical hit as that might count as excessive force which is forbidden).

There is so much fun to be had around Kashrut (the dietary laws) in Minecraft. Did you know you're not allowed to eat fruit from a tree until it is three years old? Thus, I can only eat apples from oaks that have existed for 36 lunar cycles (3*12 months).

I've tried playing with "must keep Shabbat" but honestly it's very annoying to once every 7th ingame day just not be able to do basically anything. Pretty much everything that can be done in Minecraft is prohibited on Shabbat, including Mining and Crafting. You can maybe go explore, but you can't take anything with you or pick up anything, or make plans for what to do after Shabbat with what you find, and you can only go by foot, which I think means you're not breaking the prohibition travel, but I'm not sure, I need to look into it. It's possible that enchanting would be allowed if you reaaally stretch the concept and try to define it as studying, which is encouraged on Shabbat. Anyway I'm currently ignoring the Shabbat part because it's annoying to keep track and there's nothing you can really do. (Not to mention if you want to properly observe Shabbat you do so with meals which in Minecraft means you need to fast all week to be hungry enough to eat several meals.)

Once I get a bit more set up I really hope to create some redstone thing at spawn that will count the days for me so I can incorporate holidays. Maybe. It would be fun to build a Sukka (hut) for Sukkot (holiday when you build and live in a hut for a week) in Minecraft, but I might end up just going by the real world calendar to make sure I have time to really celebrate ingame (especially since lunar cycles are 8 days in Minecraft which means I'll have barely any time between holidays, Sukkot alone would take up a whole month).

It's basically a fun roleplay twist and as a bonus I get to research and learn about different Mitzvot (commandments) and Minhagim (traditions) before I'm able to meet a rabbi and incorporate them into my own real life. I love learning about Halakha and Judaism and I love any excuse to ask all the silly questions about it. Like earlier today a friend and I were arguing about whether a gun that shoots blades could be used for kosher slaughter! Judaism is so great and appealing to my autism like it has probably the world's largest collection of commentary upon commentary about how to interpret the rules and what does it all mean and I could spend the rest of my life learning about it and while there are disagreements there's bound to be some answer to any question I have about an ambiguity of a rule and oh my autistic little heart.

But there's some stuff I don't feel comfortable doing yet, even in game, because they feel too important and exclusive to real Jews, such as Tzitzit (knotted strings that are attached to certain articles of clothing) on my Minecraft skin, though I drew on a kipa (traditionally a round flat little hat worn by men) because it is only a Minhag (tradition) and not a Mitzva (commandment) and I wear one in real life. I've been considering making a Mezuza (little container put on doorposts containing an important prayer and marked with the letter ש, it is a Minhag to kiss it when you pass it) by writing the Shema (the aforementioned prayer) in a book and putting the book in a barrel next to the door and then putting a button on the barrel and pressing it to kiss it and open the door, but it might also fall into this category and might have to wait until I'm further in my conversion.

Anyway thanks for listening to me infodump about Judaism, it will happen again. Also there are 613 Mitzvot in the Torah and countless more in rabbinical texts, just so you don't think I'm even scratching the surface here. This is a brief summary of scratching the surface. In Minecraft.

[inktae]

it's been so long, but i used to talk to you as an anon called "titania". anyway, something randomly made me think of you and how much i used to enjoy your stories (i'm probably rereading some of them soon) and i just wanna say that i hope you're happy. :)

Hello there!!! 

Soooo, yeah…. probably very surprising I’m showing up around here what, 3-4 years later!? Whoops 😅 really sorry about that guys.

But I don’t know… recently I’ve been thinking a lot of tumblr, and all the good memories I have from this place. Something just compelled me to come here today, and seeing all of the recent messages (yours included, Titania ❤️) of people that still remember me, after all this time, warms my heart and makes me tear up. It’s honestly amazing that the impact my stories had all those years ago is still present and fresh to some people. It makes me feel genuinely happy!! 

I thought I owed you guys a quick update on my life and how I’ve been doing, and hey, if you also want to chat and/or just send me a message, it’s absolutely welcome :) 

So… where to start!? A lot has changed since I was active in here, it’s been so long (can’t believe I’m almost 30 years old :D). I remember the years I was a BTS fanfic writer as a turbulent time in my past, which I don’t think I ever truly showed on here. Writing was an escape, and writing angst was my way of dealing with emotions I didn’t know how to manage (now I do, yay therapy). It’s probably the reason why I was so good at it — all of that sadness was inside myself and it was the only way I could let it out.

I don’t write anymore, haven’t had for a while (probably a couple years), but it’s something I want to go back to eventually. I suppose it’s hard to find motivation when it’s not an escape anymore, and it was more of a tool I needed to survive back then. Now that life is much better, it’s hard to find a reason to sit down and write for hours, getting lost in fantasy worlds. But hopefully I’ll find it sooner or later — it’s definitely a skill I don’t want to abandon. Just need to get into a new kind of mindset, I guess :)

So, as for life updates… like I said, a lot has changed! I believe I was still living with my parents when I was last active here (2018). A few months after that I moved out, became independent, and quickly realized how toxic my family life was. I obtained a new kind of freedom and learnt more about myself than I ever had in the past. Leaving my parents and lowering contact with them definitely changed me for the better, which I believe is why I stopped needing to write so much. 

I lived with three roommates for a while, which wasn’t smooth sailing... I didn’t connect with them in any way, and I was still learning how to live on my own, which came with its own problems and unfortunately provoked lots of fights amongst us ^^’ so that was definitely a learning period heh. I left after a year to live with another friend, which went WAY better, and then, as life would have it, I met a very cute, incredible boy who is still my partner to this day and the most important person in my life. 

We have been living together for a year and even have a dog together! a very stubborn, very rebellious but absolutely gorgeous 1 year old pup :)) honestly it’s an amazing relationship, it’s not perfect and we’ve obviously had some rocky moments, but we have healthy communication and we understand each other like no one else does. Sometimes I still have to pinch myself, because I never thought I would ever meet someone like him, someone I could connect with so deeply. We have been together for almost 2 years, and still going very strong. It's a very stable and solid relationship, we're both into therapy and communicating every issue (though I have to say he's way more emotionally mature than I am haha) which is amazing.

I’m also into spiritualism these days and spend quite a lot of time getting to know myself, learning about breaking down social constructs and inner beliefs, meditation and practicing mindfulness. It’s something I’m excited to continue exploring and it has led me to want a quieter life for myself in the future. Bf and I are actually making plans for the longterm to move far away from the city center, so we can live closer to nature and feel more connected to the earth (sounds like hippie stuff but I promise it's not lol).

To give you one last anecdote (a not so happy one) I did get covid twice and it was absolute HELL for me, even developed pneumonia which was no fun and quite scary. I hope none of you guys had to go through this and if you got covid (statistically speaking, chances are most of you did) I hope it wasn't as destructive as it was for me.

I think that's it! the important stuff, at least. Honestly, if you told me 4 years ago this was going to be my life I would have laughed in your face. I’ve come a long way (mostly thanks to therapy!!) and I have so many exciting plans for the future that I can’t wait for. :’)

So.. even though coming back here and being active as a tumblr writing is not in my plans anymore, I do remember this blog with so much fondness. It definitely saved me and protected me back then, it helped me feel less alone and played an important part in growing my confidence, mostly thanks to readers and followers like you, who cheered me on and believed in me even if you didn’t know me personally. You guys really have no idea how much you helped me.

I will read over the messages you guys have been leaving me these last few years, and like I said, if you want to chat and leave me a message you’re welcome to do so. I’m not writing fanfics anymore but I’d still be very happy to hear from you all.

If you read all of this, thank you ❤️ I wish you all well and I hope you’re all doing amazing!!

Mari

[dxncingwithastrxnger]

8. you’ve reached the end, you are the winner

A/N: Hey, guys!! This chapter took a little longer than it should have because I’ve been a bit sick, so I haven’t had much energy for writing, but I’ve started feeling a lot better and I finally got this done!! This chapter is actually a bit short compared to the past ones, but after this, we have a short interlude and then the rest of the chapters after that, I expect will be much longer than the past ones, so I feel that leaving this chapter so short will be okay. I also wanna say, the only therapy experience I’ve had was an almost year long period in which I had therapy that never helped me a single bit (I used to think it was just me until I realized the therapy I thought was completely normal is actually really bad therapy according to the rest of the world 💀💀), so if the therapy session I have written out for this chapter is completely wrong and not good, then I apologize for that, I tried my best!!! I hope you enjoy this chapter either way!!

Pairing(s): Tristan x Lancelot

Summary: Tristan attends his first therapy session since the break-in at his apartment and Lance has an unexpected family emergency.

Tag(s): Therapy, vague mention of past events, lmao, fire, hospital and injury mention

Song Inspiration: Tag, You’re It By Melanie Martinez

Word Count: 3,712

Not beta’d, all mistakes are my own.

~*~

[Series Masterlist]

[Chapter 1] [Chapter 2] [Chapter 3] [Chapter 4] [Chapter 5] [Chapter 6] [Chapter 7] [Chapter 8] [Chapter 9]

[Read on AO3]

[Author Masterlist]

~*~

"Dr. Dreyfus is ready for your session now, Mr. Liones." Miss Guila tells him, popping her head into the waiting area.

"Okay, thank you." Tristan thanks her quietly, standing up from the chair he was curled in. He walks out of the waiting area and down the hall towards the fifth room on the left side of the hallway. As he reaches the door, he knocks twice before turning the handle and going inside.

"Tristan, welcome!" Dr. Dreyfus greets him, standing up from his office chair and walking the few short steps over to the couch and two chairs taking up most of the room. "Choose whichever seat you like, as usual."

Tristan gives him a half-hearted smile and then chooses the couch, sitting all the way to the left and tucking himself into the corner. He specifically chooses the spot because it allows him to see the entire room, including the front door. He smooths his shirt down with slightly shaking hands, wishing more than anything that he could pull his feet up and curl up into a ball, but he didn't want to mess up Dr. Drey's couch. He tries his best to take in a few deep breaths, letting them out slowly. He could keep himself in check. He will. He's in control of the situation. He can see the whole room, he can leave whenever he wants to, Dr. Drey is not here to bring me harm. This place is a safe space. He just keeps repeating all of it in his head until it's the only thing he can think.

"Tristan." The other man in the room calls softly, lightly tapping a cup against the table beside the chair he's now sitting in.

Tristan sucks in a breath, blinking at him. "S-sorry, Dr. Drey." He whispers.

Dr. Drey sets the cup down, frowning. "There's no need for an apology, Tristan, you're perfectly fine." He tells him. The silverette just nods, not sure what else to respond with.

The brunette sighs softly and folds his hands in his lap. "So, what do you want us to talk about today?" He asks.

Tristan doesn't want to talk about anything. But he knows he needs to. He refuses to go backwards, and right now, he's at risk of doing so. "I want to talk about what happened two weeks ago." He whispers.

"And what happened two weeks ago, Tristan?" Dr. Drey looks at him with kind and concerned eyes, his full attention on Tristan and not in a "I'm studying your every move" kind of way.

It's one of Tristan's favorite things about the man. He always makes sure that you know he's listening. And he never takes his notes during a session like Tristan expected him to when he first started going to therapy. Dr. Drey says that lots of therapists actually do take notes during a session in that stereotypical way you always see in media, but he isn't one of them. He explained that he feels it just makes patients more uneasy and can distract them, and sometimes it can even mess with the focus of Dr. Drey himself. 'I've never been a very good multi-tasker, anyways.' He'd laughed. Right in that moment is when Tristan officially decided that he liked the man.

"Two weeks ago, I found out that I was being wa-watched." Tristan is sure that the doctor has seen or heard at least a little bit about what happened. The media knows that something happened - Lance leading a hysterical Tristan outside of his apartment building shortly before multiple police vehicles show up there doesn't exactly go unnoticed when one is followed around by paparazzi on an almost constant basis - but they don't know what it was. But besides that, Dr. Drey is a family friend nowadays and Tristan doesn't know if he's talked to his parents recently or not. "S-someone broke into my apartment while I wasn't h-home and they left an envelope filled with p-pictures they had taken of m-me. There was," Tristan takes a shaky breath as he feels the tears start to return to his eyes. He feels like all he's been doing for the past two weeks is cry. "There w-was also s-signs of them going thr-through my stuff." He stutters out.

"Were you at home when this break-in happened?" When Tristan looked at him, it appeared this question was not just to get the full story but also because the man is genuinely concerned.

"No, no, I wasn't home when it happened, don't worry." Tristan reassures. "I was out having dinner with my parents."

"So you returned home alone, then?"

"Oh, no, I had Lance with me. He was at dinner, too." He tells him.

"Lance?" Dr. Drey questions. "You're still seeing him, then?"

Tristan flushes slightly. He had forgotten that the last time he saw Dr. Drey was back before Lance officially became his boyfriend. "Oh, yeah. Uh, we're officially together now, actually. He's my boyfriend. That became a thing the weekend after the last time I saw you." The silverette explains, smiling softly for a moment at the thought of Lance. The blonde had been there for him as much as he possibly could over the last couple of weeks and Tristan was beyond grateful for him.

"Oh, well congrats, then. That's good to hear." Dr. Drey smiles at him. Tristan nods and Dr. Drey's smile drops as he continues the previous topic. "So, Lance was with you when you found out what went on in your apartment. You said an envelope of pictures was left behind. Did you look at the pictures?" He asks.

Tristan nods. "Yes. I, uh, I started getting the feeling that someone was watching me about a month ago, and then the envelope had my name on the front. Whoever it is wanted me to see it. I just felt the need to look inside the envelope. But the pictures..." Tristan's lip wobbles and he feels the fear rise in him, his eyes automatically beginning a glance over of the entire room, searching for secret cameras that he knows he won't find. "Th-they weren't just pictures of me o-outside and a-around town, like what the p-paparazzi takes. There was pictures of me inside people's h-houses, taken through w-windows. Th-they know wh-where everyone l-lives, everyone that I've gone to-to see in the last month at least. B-but then-" Tristan pauses, rubbing the palms of his hands against his jeans. "Th-there was a p-picture o-of me at my kitchen s-sink but it w-was t-taken from i-inside my a-apart-partment. It w-wasn't through a w-window. L-later on, the police ended up finding a c-camera inside the switch for my g-garbage disposal and that's where..." He trails off as his voice cracks and he clears his throat. "Wh-where the pictures was t-taken from."

"Was that...all the police found in your apartment?" Dr. Drey asks, brows furrowed.

Tristan shakes his head. "N-no. They-" A burn starts building in the back of his throat and his vision blurs as tears threaten to fall. "Th-they found nearly a d-dozen c-cameras-"

"Breathe, Tristan. Take your time, there's no need to rush the story out. Just take a moment to breathe." The doctor interrupts him with a gentle voice.

Tristan sucks in a deep breath, the breath he then lets out turns into a halfway sob. He is not doing this. He is not going to breakdown again right in front of his therapist. He squeezes his eyes shut and his fists clench as he spends a few minutes collecting himself. When he finally opens his eyes again, he sees Dr. Drey looking at him with concerned eyes and a disapproving frown at Tristan's actions. He shouldn't be so surprised. We've been doing this for 8 years now. Tristan thinks bitterly. It's not that he has anything against the doctor. Dr. Drey is awesome and he's helped Tristan through so much in the past. He just hates how screwed up his brain is.

"Lance and I actually ended up leaving the restaurant early that night. We never even finished our food." He speaks up suddenly, looking down at his lap and picking at the threads hanging from the holes in his jeans. "I got cornered by someone in the bathroom. I got scared, so I asked Lance if we could leave and Jade gave us a ride back a few minutes after the whole thing happened. The police don't think the incident was related to the break-in because there were signs that whoever it was left in a hurry which means they probably weren't expecting us to come back when we did." He tells him.

"What happened when the person cornered you? Did they hurt you?"

"No, he didn't hurt me. Not physically..." Tristan gulps. "But he knew things that he shouldn't. He started saying things to me about...about what happened when I was a kid." Tristan gives the man across from him a meaningful look. He doesn't need to spell it out, the doctor will know exactly what he's talking about. It's the event that first led to Tristan coming to see him in the first place, after all.

"He knew what happened?" The brunette gives him a surprised look.

"He did. And it...almost seemed as if he was taunting me. He kept asking me questions, but the way he spoke made it sound like he already knew the answers or something. He asked things like, "How did it feel?" and "How much do you remember?" but then the last question he asked was strange..." Tristan's brows furrow as he recalls the last question he'd heard from the man before he'd pushed him away and ran out of the bathroom. "He asked me if I felt guilty for framing Dustin for what happened."

"Wait, what? Dustin. Isn't that the one who-"

"Yes. Dustin is the one. And this person came to me and tried to claim that I framed that horrible man for what happened." Tristan scoffs and shakes his head. He's angry at the thought. He hasn't thought much about it between when it happened and now, if he's honest. But he feels disgusted that anyone could think of a man like Dustin Pendragon as anything but evil.

"Do you know how this man could've found out about things with that much detail? Was he someone you've met before?" The doctor asks.

"No, I've never seen him before as far as I can remember. He was a total stranger. I have no idea how he found any of it out, the only ones who should have access to any of that information are my family and the police." He says. "But it doesn't matter. That's not my main concern right now since he isn't working with whoever broke into my house. The police can't do anything about him anyways."

"Okay." Dr. Drey says slowly. "Have you been in your apartment much since things happened?" He asks.

"No, I...haven't even slept there since that night and if I ever need something from there, I always make sure at least one person is with me. I've been staying with Lance for the past two weeks."

"And what has Lancelot's reaction been to all of this?"

"Oh, he's mainly been worried about me, I think. He's been really protective and cautious. And he's always checking in with me no matter what we're doing, he always wants to make sure that I'm feeling safe. It's pretty nice, actually." Tristan admits.

"Does he know about what happened when you were younger?" Dr. Drey asks curiously.

Tristan frowns, looking at him. "No, I haven't told him yet."

His therapist nods. "Okay. I was only wondering. The two of you have only been together for a few months, I'd be surprised if you had told him already. I just didn't know if he'd heard anything from others or not."

"No, I've asked everyone I introduce him to not to mention it. But..." Tristan chews on his bottom lip. "I've actually thought about telling him."

"Oh? You really trust him, then?" The other man looks surprised again. Tristan isn't exactly very good at trusting new people. That's why up until three months ago, he only had all of three friends, one of them being his own cousin and all of them being people he first met when he was only a child. Tristan likes to think he can now call at least a couple of Lance's friends his own friends, too. Not close friends, not yet, but still friends.

"I do." Tristan admits. Lance has been a special case from the beginning, he knows that. When Tristan first realized just how much trust he truly has in the man, it scared him. It still scares him. For Tristan, trusting people so much is absolutely terrifying. But the entire time he's known Lance, all the man has done is prove again and again that he is exactly the person that he presents himself to be and nothing more. "I don't know what it is about him, but I just...feel safe with him. He makes me feel really, really safe." When he looks at Dr. Drey again, the man is smiling at him, a knowing look in his eyes. It's similar to a look he's received from his mother multiple times in the past and Tristan still can't quite figure out what it means yet.

He's about to ask his doctor to clarify the look when his phone rings. He pulls it from his pocket just enough to press the lock button and ignore the call, not looking at the caller ID. "So what-" He's cut off when his phone rings again and he frowns, doing the same thing as before. He then turns back to his therapist. "What does that mean?" Tristan questions. His phone pings a couple of times then, whoever was calling him now messaging him instead, he assumes.

"What does what mean?" Dr. Drey asks.

"That look that you just-" His phone pings a few more times and it's starting to irritate him. He supposes he should've put his phone on silent before coming into the room, but all these notifications in the middle of a session usually isn't a thing. "Sorry, I just need to put my phone on silent real quick." He says apologetically. Dr. Drey nods at him with an understanding smile.

He pulls his phone out of his pocket completely and wakes up the screen, intending to just silence his phone and nothing more. But as his lockscreen shows up, he ends up scanning over the messages waiting for him before he manages to do anything and his eyes widen. "I'm-I'm sorry, Dr. Drey, b-but, I, I really need to go." Tristan tells him, immediately standing up.

Dr. Drey stands up as well, looking at him in confusion. "Why? What's the matter?" He questions.

Tristan tears his eyes away from his phone for a moment to look back at the other man. "It's Lance, something happened a-and he's freaking out, I need to go call him. I'm so sorry, I really am, but I've never seen him like this, so I'd really rather just cut this off for now and reschedule if that's okay." He unlocks his phone and pulls up his contacts, already backing away towards the door.

"Of course, of course. I hope everything's okay, just call the office to reschedule whenever you're able to." Tristan barely hears him, turning and quickly walking out the door and down the hallway as he presses call on Lance's contact and puts the phone to his ear.

~*~

Lance speeds down the highway, tapping his fingers on the steering wheel anxiously. Thank gods I'm in front of the work rush. He thinks. His phone rings and when he sees Tristan's name, he quickly reaches over and answers, putting the call on speaker before putting his hand back on the steering wheel.

"Lance? What's going on? Are you okay?" Tristan asks him, worried.

"Uh, well, not really. I'm really sorry to bother you in the middle of therapy, I didn't really think much about that before I called." He apologizes. His mind's been a bit scattered since the moment his dad called him.

"No, no, it's fine, therapy can always be rescheduled, you're what's important right now." Tristan says seriously. Lance can't help but give a small smile at the man's care for him, but it quickly drops again. "Your messages, I didn't really understand much of what you were trying to say, you said something about your mom?"

Lance switches lanes, swallowing before he answers. "Yeah, uh, my dad called me a little bit ago. Tris, there was a fire at my parents' house, dad says it was really bad. Both of them made it out but mom's in the hospital, she got injured real bad, her whole torso is all burned up." Lance's face twists at the thought of how much pain his mom is in right now and just how close to death she came, according to what his dad told him.

"Oh no, that's awful!" Lance hears a car start on the other end that he assumes is Tristan's. "And your dad, he's okay? Is he injured, too?"

"He's got a few burns but none of them are nearly as bad as my mom's, he was never even checked into the hospital like mom was." He turns off the exit towards Benwick, where his parents had moved about 3 years ago. "This all happened last night, he didn't get the chance to call me until about three hours ago." He explains. Tristan had spent the day with Chion, Jade, and Isolde, so Lance spent the day catching up on some artwork, but everything was disrupted after he found out what happened.

"Three hours ago?" Tristan asks, surprised and confused.

"Yeah, um, I'm sorry, baby. I don't mean to leave you all alone. But I gotta go see my mom and do whatever I can to help out my dad. I left for Benwick as soon as I got off the phone with my dad, I'm almost there now. I would've called you way earlier but it didn't even cross my mind and then by the time I remembered, I'd forgotten about you going to therapy today and-"

"Hey, hey, Lance, baby, it's fine, it's okay. I understand, you gotta go be with your parents. Don't worry about me, I'll be fine. You take as long as you need in Benwick." Tristan tells him sincerely.

"I'm probably gonna be here at least a few days, sweetheart, are you gonna be okay by yourself?" Lance asks him uncertainly.

"Yes, I'll be fine, I promise. I think I'll talk to Howzer, he's Donny's uncle, right? Last I talked to him, he told me that if at any point I felt unsafe, I could call him and he could stay nearby for awhile, make sure nothing happens. I think it's mainly a favor kind of thing since I know Donny., honestly, but I'll take it." His boyfriend says.

"Well, Howzer's also just that kind of guy. He's the police chief for a reason, after all. Of course, you being friends with Donny certainly doesn't hurt anything." The blonde says thoughtfully. "But if Howzer says he'll watch over you, he'll definitely put his best into doing so."

"Good. That's good. I-I think I'll call him and see if he'd be willing to stand by tonight, at least for a little while, since this will be my first time back in my own apartment since everything."

"Yeah, yeah, that's probably a good idea. Just be careful, okay? And if you get scared, just call me, no matter what time it is." Lance intructs.

"Yes, I will, and if you need me at all, then it's the same thing. Call me no matter what time it is." Tristan tells him.

Lance nods even though Tristan can't see it. His heart swells for appreciation and affection for the other man. "I-" He pauses, not quite sure what words his mouth is trying to form. He shakes his head, brows furrowed, and he decides to try again. "I...I-I'll miss you." He says softly.

Tristan stays silent on the other line for a long moment before he answers. "I'll miss you, too. Don't go meeting any boys that are prettier than me while you're gone, okay?" He replies just as softly.

"That's impossible, your majesty. You're the prettiest prince in all of Britannia." Lance intends for the comment to come out flirty and teasing, but current situation doesn't allow it to land the right away and he grimaces.

"Good." Tristan doesn't seem to mind, he knows how Lance meant it. "I'm gonna go ahead and hop off. Message me once you get there, okay?"

"I will. Be careful once you get home, Tris."

"You know I will. I'll talk to you later, Lance." And then he hangs up and Lance is once again left in the silence of his car. With nothing better to do, his mind wanders to all the possibilities surrounding his parents' situation and he sighs. The last hour of his drive to Benwick is going to be a long one.

~*~

A/N: How did you guys like it?? What do you think about our random new character name drop? 👀 How do we like therapist Dreyfus?? Also, as clarification, Guila is also a therapist, not a secretary. But anyways, please let me know what you guys think!! I would love to know!!!

~*~

Taglist:

@darkelf-7​

@ivyllamauwu​​

@toryhis​

[Lemme know if you'd like to be added to the taglist for this series and any other stories relating to it!!!]

[needtoread81]

Tag nine (9) people you’d like to know better

Thank you for the tag @alexxxaloy

Oh dear Lord I kind of suck at this, but…

a bit more about me...

Last song:

I'm listening to a looping playlist with Lord of the Lost and Within Temptation, but the last song was "One Last Song" by Lord of the Lost.

https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=wLznWvBny8Y&feature=share

Currently watching:

I don't watch a lot of shows, mostly I read, listen to music and the news, and read som more... it's kind of in my "name" 😅

When I watch anything , it is mostly YouTube, currently my favorites are Rachel Maksy, Morgan Donner and listening to old Citation Needed episodes by The Technical Difficulties (Tom Scott and 3 friends)

Current obsession:

Horizon zero dawn❤️ and Horizon forbidden west ❤️(I might have a problem....)

- I got the Horizon Zero Dawn coloring book and the Horizon Forbidden West art book 2 weeks ago (already had HZD artbook and the comics, whant more!) Oh, I also own a lot of @godliath digital Ereloy stuff

- I've started making 3 horizon (sort of) original cosplays/costumes (Banuk villager, Oseram brewer and Nora hunter) but I don't plan on them being finished until september 2024. I just need my body to work and get some energy again.. (breathing without pain would be nice, freaking asthma)

- Replaying HZD with Frozen Wild, I "gotta catch them all" to every thing including all the datapoints (so close now!) I started doing the same with HFW before Burning Shores, but somehow I lost a powercell in the base and a crate in a ruin so I need to start over😓

- Re-reading every thing Ereloy (my favorit ship with my favorit boy Erend 🥰) on AO3 + a few more in the Horizon 'vers

- Just startede with a few drawings to test ideas for a second Ereloy painting (still need get back that energy, long covid sucks big time🤬)

Currently reading:

I read a lot, like when my body hurts too much, when my brain needs a break, when I'm bored, sometimes when I work and Ialso read for fun.. On average 3 hours (or more) a day, often 300+ pages in a day and multiple books at the same time, and before I found AO3 that meant 500 or more books in a year.

So just now on AO3 I'm reading

The Moth and Horizon au Twin Flames 🥰

On my kindle I just finished two of the books here today, and I am currently reading a few others

Anne Bishops - Crowbones

Anna Hackett - Hex

Lisa Edmonds - Mortal Heart

Vanessa Nelson - Hunted

Ilona Andrews - Magic Claims

Also, a few actual books, like I can hold them in my hand😮

Horizon Forbidden West Art book

William C. Diet - For Those Who Fell

Glen Cooper- De dødes bibliotek

Håvard Dahl Bratrein - Høvding, jarl, konge

I think that is it from me for now 🤷🏼‍♀️

If you have'nt already and feel like it (nine is a lot🙃) it would be fun to know more about you

@theyloy @mari-mary @felrend @xxxhellfireravenxxx @austenmarie @littlelionpaw @yogrossdude @souls-that-have-senses @nerd-artist

[dreamingoftinystars]

I’m doing one more reading wrap up for 2022 because I want to share some of my favorite reads with all of you so here are my top 10 books of 2022 in no particular order! (Note: this does not include any of alice oseman’s work because they would be the majority of the list, and this list does not include any Harper Collins books because whilst I have no influence from my silly little blog we do not cross picket lines here <3)

1) Frizzy by Claribel A. Ortega

I do not know how to explain to anyone what this book means to me. Whilst I am white and not explicitly represented via this book, I have really funky hair that I was judged for throughout my life and can be really fucking frustrating to deal with. This book made me feel through some solace that I was not alone in that struggle. In a lot of ways, it healed my inner child and my current self because I was seeing those scenes of her mom struggling to do her hair and I saw myself and how much of a struggle doing my hair used to be. This book meant the world to me. And is only one of two graphic novels on this list (considering how many graphic novels I read I’m surprised there aren’t more). 

2) What My Bones Know by Stephanie Foo

My therapist gave me this book to read, and I had no idea when I picked it up how impactful this would be for me. I know the popular memoir of the year was Jennette McCurdy’s, and I did read that and found it to be absolutely heart breaking and wonderfully written. But this book changed me. It was one of the best books I have ever read. The content is not light, but as someone who has diagnosed PTSD and has been told they have CPTSD by their therapist- this book fucking wrecked me and showed me that I am worthy of love and that my trauma does not need to define me. This book is so important to me.

3) In the Dream House by Carmen Maria Machado

This is another memoir about trauma, specifically dealing with domestic abuse this time, but it’s done in a very unique way. I recently read House of Leaves, which is a fictional horrorish book and it reminded me pretty strongly of this book when I read it. The way in which Machado utilizes the house to be representative of this terrible situation was really well written. As someone who has existed in a house in a not great situation, this book really sat with me.

4) This Is How You Lose the Time War by Amal El-Mohtar and Max Gladstone

I know that I am so basic for this one, but it is genuinely so good. This book is so hit or miss for people, and it absolutely hit for me. The storytelling, the relationship, the heart break. This story killed me. I devoured it in such a short amount of time, and it has yet to leave my brain. I love this book so much. It is one of my all time favorites. 

5) Chemical Gardening for the Amateur by Charles Henry Connors and Victor A. Tiedjens

This is such a random pick I know, but part of why I loved this book so much is that it is a book about chemical gardening from 1939 that I got from a local bookstore where they had miss marked it as $3.00 and they gave it to me for that price (it is definitely worth more than that). But it is so cool. Reading about how these techniques that we still use today were being developed and showing how people can use them for their own gardens and plants is so fucking neat????!! Also there were so many pretty pictures in it. I read this fairly quickly whilst at my girlfriend’s house because I just hyper focused on it and loved every moment of it.

6) When You Trap a Tiger by Tae Keller

This is one of my favorite middle grade books that I have ever read (like genuinely). Part of why this book hit me so hard is that my grandmother was at the hospital the exact day that I read this. I had genuinely no clue what this book was about, and it relating to that type of event made this book hit even closer to home. It was a really good story overall though.

7) The Anthropocene Reviewed by John Green

As someone who has OCD, it was so interesting reading a memoir (ish) by someone else who has OCD and seeing the overlapping in our general thinking patterns. I am a fan of John Green’s work (Turtles All The Way Down is a super important book for me), but this collection of short stories or remarks was just something that I really enjoyed reading. It was not like earth shattering, but it was a really good book. 

8) Sick Kids in Love by Hannah Moskowitz

I love chronic illness representation so much. This was probably my favorite romance that I read this year. Whilst I do not have the specific conditions that the MCs had, the general like problems that come from having chronic illnesses was something that I significantly related to. And getting to see a romance where those aspects were included is something that was really really nice for me. It was also just a really fun teen romance book (I am a sucker for romcoms).

9) The Magic Fish by Trung Le Nguyen

This is literally the book that I recommend to people when they tell me that they want to try a graphic novel. It is like a middle grade to early young adult read, but it is one of my favorite graphic novels. It does a really cool thing with utilizing traditional Vietnamese fairy tales or folk stories to weave this story between modern day and the past. It was a really interesting way to showcase generational trauma, and a new way of discussing the immigrant experience that I have not seen before. It is also queer representation! And the art style is absolutely brilliant!

10) Yerba Buena by Nina LaCour

I am a Nina LaCour bitch. Her work is always outstanding in my opinion (at least her newest releases). I really enjoy the way in which she weaves a story together. I very much so enjoyed this like non-traditional take on a romance centric story. For me, a lot of books with a romance centric plot line have become just romcoms and whilst there is nothing wrong with that, I prefer having some substance to the plot in a lot of instances. I personally feel like LaCour does that really well. This book was so good in my opinion.

I know this is a long post, so I won’t make it longer. But thank you if you read my thoughts at all. And I hope whatever reading you partake in is fulfilling for you (or whatever media you choose to consume)!!

[sensitiveandhungry]

get to know me game !!

tagged by @bbujiikseu <3

birthday: april 10th

favorite color: purples and bright/dark yellows and lots of greens and blues

do you have any pets? i don't have any of my own but i have my family dog Buster <3

how tall are you?: 170 cm (5'7) :,) unfortunately

how many pairs of shoes do you own?: 15 but i definitely wear five the most

favorite song: every few days it changes, right now its "Let You Break My Heart Again" by Laufey and the Philharmonia Orchestra

favorite movie: also changes from moment to moment but I can confidently say that overall I will never get tired of Thor: Ragnarok

who would be your ideal partner?: wow, so many things. to be simple and succinct he needs to be respectful and patient, asks for consent, is honest and truthful, and loyal. And, of course loves me for me. can also deal with my antics, insecurities, etc

do you want children?: honestly, i'm not sure. i do but also the idea of being in charge of another human being and responsible for how it turns out is terrifying to me. also no thank you to child birth. since i was in middle school i have wanted to adopt, and would ideally like to adopt teenagers so i can help them and give them the resources they need in the last few years before they become adults. i want to be able to put more functioning adults out in the world, even if its only one or two.

have you gotten in trouble with the law?: no sir no ma'am

what color socks are you wearing?: no socks right now but earlier today i was wearing grey socks with lavender borders and cartoon cows on it. cows are my favorite animal. they are my favorite socks.

favorite type of music: girl i love so much music, number one is just pop. overall, all sub-genres. k-pop of course, duh, hello. lately r&b is just SO GOOD? so yeah that too. and i really life soft pop/rock/bedroom type beats.

how many pillows do you sleep with?: four pillows, a quilt and two blankets, two stuffies. anything less its just not heavy enough i need a nest

what position do you sleep in?: all of the above? primarily a stomach sleeper but i can fall asleep on my side or back too. but i always wake up on my stomach

what don’t you like when you’re sleeping?: being cold. it is the absolute worst. i also hate sleeping with like no weight on me. def can't do just a sheet and can hardly do just a comforter/duvet. <<this is kana's response but literally me too. we are the same.

what do you have for breakfast?: it depends on the day and my schedule. with a few exceptions, M,W,F I eat nutella toast, T,Th I have chocolate protein milk with apple cinnamon nutrigrain bars. On the weekends I make homemade egg 'mcmuffins' with english muffins, over-easy eggs, american cheese, and occasionally bacon.

have you tried archery?: yes! it is so much fun although im not much good at it

favorite fruit?: hmmm pomegranates and maybe plums too <<< once again kana's response but as usual, we are, in fact, the same

are you a good liar?: it depends. partial truths? yes. blatant lies to people's faces? no jfsdhlgdks

What’s your personality type?: as a kid i was an enfp, for a short while i was an istp, and now i am an infp

innie or outtie? i have the deepest innie belly button you will ever see in your entire life jfkjf. genuinely like the size of a thimble

left handed or right handed?: right handed, always wanted to be ambidextrous

favorite food: carbohydrates. pasta, bread, rice, potatoes. :)

favorite foreign food?: just like kana i love phad thai. it is so good i just- *faints*

am i clean or messy?: i'm def unorganized, but i also hate messes but bc of my anxiety i never know where to start with cleaning until it piles up to the point where i'm so stressed i can't let it sit dkfjd <<kana's response, yet again. but me too, down to the last word.

most used phrase: lately i just call everything garbage. that is garbage. his behavior was garbage. i feel like garbage. also many different variations that include "oh, holy, thank, god, heavens, good lord above"

how long does it take for you to get ready?: i like having lots of time to get ready so i can be relaxed and happy while doing so. so like two hours? but if need be i can also get ready in less than five minutes. anything in between.

do you talk to yourself?: yes because how else would i stay sane, hm?? its mostly like humming, dancing, telling myself what i need to do and get done, or just narrating my every move. also if you don't act like you're filming a youtube video when getting ready in the morning, you are wrong

do you sing to yourself?: girl literally constantly. catch a time when i am not singing. if i am not singing i have a song in my head. currently it's "Moonlight" by Ariana Grande

are you a good singer?: actually yes. the one skill i can confidently say i have, is the ability to sing well. very well. incredibly well. fun fact, my only claim to fame is that i sang the star spangled banner as a solo for my high school graduation, attendance of over 5,000 people. and yes i did have to go through an audition process to do so.

biggest fear: never falling in love. synonymous with being alone/dying alone, but specifically never falling in love. never getting married. never having a boyfriend. that is just absolutely terrifying to me. worse than death

do you like long hair or short hair?: i like me with all the hairs. been wanting to shave my head for like five years and still haven't. everyone else can also do whatever makes them happy. it is your hair not mine

favorite school subject: choir :D this is unsurprising. also yoga. literally the best class EVER

extrovert or introvert?: i am a loud introvert. i love hanging out with people and making friends but my social battery dies quickly and i also have to be in a certain mood to want to interact with people. <<kana's response, but me too. extroverted introvert. also, i am shy. so approach me first and then i am an open book

what makes you nervous?: small, tight spaces, big crowds, loud music / sounds (like to the point where i can't hear myself speak or think), uhhh a lot of things lol <<kana and me are the same

who was your first real crush?: my older sisters tried to push the idea of crushes on me literally since i was five. so my first "crush" was a kid named Jace in my kindergarten class. but if we're talking actual genuine interest in someone for the first time? probably a kid named Gage in fourth grade.

how many piercings?: i have two lol. just on my ear lobes. <<me too, kana

how many tattoos?: zero! i have issues with permanence when it comes to my body, it took me until i was 14 to even pierce my ears. i have interest in the fake tattoos that last a couple months tho!

how fast can you run?: honestly pretty fast. but i would not win a race

what color is your hair?: a really pretty brown. currently growing out bad highlights from middle school i had to spend hundreds of dollars correcting, also a hint of purple from a tint i use

what color are your eyes?: a lovely brown that looks especially pretty in the sun !!

what makes you angry?: people who don't take no for an answer, people who think they're the coolest ever even when they're actually dicks, being blatantly ignored but not being told what i did wrong <<yeah me too, kana

do you like your name?: i am indifferent. i used to hate it as a kid and was bullied for the way it was spelled, told it didn't make sense to spell it Lindsay when you pronounce it Lindzee, but i do in fact have the original Scottish spelling of the name.

do you want a boy or a girl as a child?: i am entirely indifferent! whoever i can adopt i will. also however they may want to identify later in life.

what are your strengths?: girl i dont know what to say. i can sing. i try my very hardest at most things. i am strong and brave. i have a gift for empathy, to a fault. i care and love almost too much.

what are your weaknesses?: same as my strengths, empathy, caring, and love are also my weaknesses. i am also wayyy too sensitive, i overthink, and take everything personally.

what’s the color of your bedspread?: sky blue with white roses

color of your room: white :( not allowed to paint it

[sun-geekomancer]

Apothecaria (Week 2 Day 2)

The Temari Kappa woke me up today. They were cavorting about as soon as the sun was up, splashing around and getting into everything in the garden. It's good that I haven't started growing anything in there, yet. At this point it would have all been trampled or turned into stone circles.

It looks like a modern art installation threw up in my yard.

I spent some time looking through my books last night, hoping to find something local that would be easier to find than the Amethyst Antlers or Glittersnow. Cold Rust is easy. But, I had to dig out a glass bottle for it. I'm also going to have to keep it locked up, away from any artifacts I might come across. The stuff spreads awfully fast--which is why it's so common. I think I rigged up a pretty good storage unit. I can seal any glass bottles with wax while foraging if I bring a small candle and matchbox with me. I also have a very common, mundane wooden box I can wrap up and store them in. If I line it with some hay or common moss, it should stop any of the bottles from breaking--even if jostled.

I decided not to venture too deep into the Hero's Hollow. There's plenty of monsters in there that I do not have the proper equipment on hand to deal with. And it seems I was not the only one. I found a small trail of powder--leading deeper into the mine. And it wasn't a reagent I was familiar with. Perhaps against my better judgement, I followed the trail and found a very lost--but extremely large man. He nearly hit me with a pickaxe as I rounded the corner of the tunnel, probably mistaking me for a monster of some sort. He seemed thoroughly flustered, and embarrassed at the idea of being found lost in a dungeon. He had long, black, wavy hair and easily stood more than a foot taller than me. I asked him what in the world he was doing in such a place--and he said he was gathering ingredients for his trade as a blacksmith. The poor man was clearly lost, but couldn't quite muster the words to ask for help finding his way out. So, instead, I asked if he might escort me to the entrance of the dungeon--since I would feel much safer with someone else. He seemed unbothered when I asked to stop a few times to gather ingredients for my own trade. Although, his lip did curl up in disgust as I tried to collect the Ghost Goo I found. It took some time. He had a large sack of heavy minerals and metal ore. At first he was nearly silent, but soon began speaking in detail about smithing techniques and how to smelt ores into pure metal. I was struck at how passionate he was about his work. Clearly he was getting excited about whatever he was going to use his recently gained ingredients for. It was well into the late afternoon before we got out of the Hollow. He ended up pressing a small pouch of silver into my hand before he left for the river ferry--and wouldn't hear about me returning it. He ended up scolding me for going to a dangerous place like the Hero's Hollow by myself--even though he had done the exact same thing. He asked my name at the very, and I told him. It was somewhat funny. I don't think he was used to speaking to people. He forgot to tell me his name. I suppose if I see him again I'll just have to call him Mr. Blacksmith.

I think he might come with me to the Hollow again--but it would eat up a lot of time due to his own foraging.

Draws: 3 of Hearts, 9 of Diamonds

Storage: - Surgeon Sap (1) - Cold Rust (1) - Ghost Goo (1) - Coffee Caps (2) - Shadow Shark (1) - Deep Reed (1) - Fairy Dust (1)

Reputation: 6

Money: 12 silver + 5 silver from the lost smith

Note: 2 draws (1 free, 1 from elliptical.) Also, yes, I did just include Haganezuka Hotaru into my Apothecaria game. I DO WHAT I WANT.

Haganezuka can be recruited like an Adventurer to go foraging for ingredients--but it will decrease the timer by 2 instead of requiring 10 silver.

[phoenixofheaven]

for the hypokits, maybe fireheart x tigerclaw?

also, how is your day going :3 ?

Just realized that I forgot to put the drawing there lmao 🤡😭

My day is going pretty well! I was not feeling well yesterday, but I'm doing much better today. Thank you so much for asking! :D I hope you are having a good day as well ♥️

...

Enemies to lovers. You know what time it is ;) Also, Tigerclaw is good here, so don’t worry!

Fireheart and Tigerclaw don’t like each other. Plain and simple. That is until Tigerclaw saves him during the battle protecting Windclan from Riverclan and Shadowclan. Then their feelings (specifically Fire’s) change a little. Then they change even more when Tigerclaw saves him again after he nearly falls into the overflowing river.  It's after that when their relationship truly begins.

For a while the pair were very happy. But when the fire breaks out in Thunderclan camp, Tigerclaw dies in the flames trying to help others escape. Cherrykit is born to a heartbroken Fireheart in Riverclan, who is later made deputy. Bluestar, who is already going against starclan at this point, believed Cherry was a curse sent by starclan and hoped that making Fireheart deputy would stop them from ruining her clan any further. So ... a little bit of a harsh start for poor Cherryclaw.

...

Cherryclaw has had a tough attitude since she was little. Being the daughter of two of Thunderclan’s greatest warriors (her own words), she was very spoiled. In the nursery, she always made the rules of the games. Her bossy demeanor made a lot of the kits avoid her, and as an apprentice, she didn’t have many friends.

Of course, Cherryclaw got older and grew out of her “bossy phase”. Although, she can still be pretty overbearing sometimes. Few in the clan can see that what hides underneath her cold shell is a big heart. She genuinely cares for her clan mates and sometimes for the cats for other clans too.

Slowly but surely, more cats are getting to know more about this fiery molly. They’ll soon get to know her for who she truly is. All she wants is to care for her clanmates and make Thunderclan. She is definitely a mix of her fathers.

...

I'm currently working on a backstory for Cherry! For those who've read or are familiar with the A Song of Ice and Fire series, I got kinda inspired by the Tragedy at Summerhall haha! I feel like in every story I've read that includes a character being born outside a burning fire always becomes an absolute boss or is just a very important character 😂.

Cherry's backstory itself might be told from the persective of a character other than Fireheart or Tigerclaw tho. I'm still thinking. I hope you'll like whatever I eventually come up with!

[shawnjacksonsbs]

My “Good ol’ days” also included . . . 3-4-23

"Every decision I have made - from changing jobs, to changing partners, to changing homes - has been taken with trepidation. I have not ceased being fearful, but I have ceased to let fear control me." - Erica Jong

There is a Remembrance Celebration in honor of my dad today.

There will be food, but it's mostly supposed to be people visiting, sharing memories, and telling stories about my dad.

Any of you readers that have been with me since back when I first started writing, know most of my stories already.

I always feel super limited on what I can share.

Although most everyone who knew my dad, and know me, knows that our relationship was strained, to say the least.

We were just getting back on track to mend when we lost him. We were making baby steps, but still making head way.

My point though, is that it's incredibly hard to remember stories that aren't the same things I always share, like the cereal prizes for stocking stuffers, him teaching me to ride a bike, or the summer I was grounded to the back yard for 3 months pulling nails out of old barn lumber that went into building that old house on the hill.

There were lots of "bad" times throughout my childhood and my younger, more formative years, but not all were bad. Some were just him being more strict than any other kids parents in town.

Love, although some unhealthy, but love nonetheless was usually felt. It was an underlying foundation for our lives.

We had lots of not positive, but not bad experiences together as well. Most of which I'm not going to share because of their inappropriate nature. Time and place.

As soon as I was old enough, we bonded over some of the most toxic behaviors a father and son could possibly share.

And granted, I followed his missteps more often than those of better quality, but we were still close. During those times, up until our falling out, he was one of my best friends.

I passed along dysfunction right to my own children for years.

We, all, started to break those cycles down though.

As much as I try to limit my deathbed regrets, I will, unfortunately, carry a few with me the rest of my days. One of which is that we waited so long to reach out. It took me quite a while even after turning my life around to start looking out on people with eyes of forgiveness and of reciprocation for the same forgiveness.

A day late and a dollar short.

He used to say that to me a lot growing up. It wasn't until I got older I really, truly understood what it meant.

No matter what though, I have lots of positives in my life today because of him at different times throughout my life.

From good carpenter skills and work ethic that I learned from a very young age to things he did wrong that I vowed to do differently myself as a parent.

The good, the bad, and the obvious ugly are parts of what was. And although I wish sometimes, I could only remember the good, or just the positives, the truth is I'd be robbing myself of the real; the real, and the mistakes, make us human. And made us more the same than different.

I always loved my dad, even when I didn't like him, but now I love him, knowing that to dislike anything about him was to dislike the parts of him that are me too.

I realize my relationship with my dad differs from everyone else's version of him, and that's ok.

I'm not trying to take anything away from your versions of him, I just can't allow anyone to try and take away my version either. Not after all the work I put into being ok with my life and how it turned out.

I promise you, it's all made me a better me.

Go share in the love and laughter with the world around you before it’s too late. Life is too short and limited, and wisdom comes so late in life, so take advantage of the time you have with those closest to your heart while you can.

Until next time;

"I have accepted fear as a part of life, specifically the fear of change, the fear of the unknown, and I have gone ahead despite the pounding in the heart that says: turn back, turn back, you'll die if you venture too far... In the past several years I have learned, in short, to trust myself. - Erica Jong