#feels like I've taken a step backwards in my recovery

[that-cheer-up-anon]

Went to the doctor

Have to get back into antidepressants. Trying a new one. They also don't believe I have ADHD, which is fair. All he has to go off w is my own self diagnosis which ethically he can't do anything with that. But what bothers me is that he said in the time I've been his patient he has never suspected it. Like PTSD and depression yes, but not ADHD.

I like to think I don't make it obvious but now it's making me doubt if I have it, even though I feel like everything I've seen by ADHD specialist psychologists resonate w my life experience. I was never good at trusting myself but this is making my self doubt even worse.

Good news is that my blood tests came back normal. No autoimmune stuff going on so that's good. Forgot to ask about some blood spots coming up on my legs. Other good news is that I have a certificate for the next few weeks (while I'm taking the new antidepressants and hoping they make my chronic pain better) that I have to work 3 days max/week instead of the 4 bc it was too much for me.

[thisisnot-yourgrave]

Why it matters what you surround yourself with -

It's so hard to navigate recovery when you're not in your safe space. I've rarely felt at peace or safe with my family and ever since my parents moved to their new house, I don't have any safe space to go to calm myself down and regulate myself.

So it just feels like I've taken five steps backwards.

But I'm home now (in my own place with my partner) and I already feel a lot calmer.

[finding-the-honey]

I feel like I'm falling behind again. Like I'm scooting backwards, needing to undo the gains I've made.

There are no small steps in recovery. Maybe, too, there are no guarantees of continued forward motion. Or something like that, fuck if I know. I'm trying to find shit to write about to stay on top of my word count/writing project.

I just feel like, for all the manic energy of a couple of weeks ago, I'm still stuck in the same place. Same situations, the only difference is now my kitchen looks better.

It's like I'm stuck in gear and I can't figure out what the ...

Oh. Maybe I can.

The azathioprine - I've been told it takes time to start really showing any kind of help or improvement. Maybe that also means it's taken time for some of the side effects to show up.

And apparently it can also cause sleep issues, so maybe that's the root cause of the lack of sleep. I've just been assuming it's from the prednisone but maybe not.

I am pretty unhappy with the sleep bullshit - mostly because I suspect it's the culprit behind the brain foggy no spark to write bullshit. When I was at my non-manic manic best it was when I was getting a solid night's sleep.

Damn, why can't this be easy? Or at least consistent and linear?

[traumacatholic]

Hello, I'm the same anon who was dealing with DID/OSDD awhile back. I had a question and a prayer request.

How do you deal with demonic possession OCD? I saw some of your posts about general religious OCD, and wanted to ask since demons scare the daylights out of me. It doesn't make things better that I doubt my DID (which has been diagnosed) and get paranoid that it's demonic.

It's so draining to feel like I've finally gotten further in my mental health, only to let an alter switch and then become insanely paranoid about demons. I'm almost crying because I don't want to turn against myself like this, but at the same time I don't want to do anything to offend God (if I even am).

Could you please pray for me?

I've never dealt with concerns around being possessed by demons myself. Although I have encountered fears or worries about inviting them or spirits etc into my life. I would be careful around reading content around demonic possession (or demons in general), presuming you are at all, and I would say just to stop. Even if it's just shows or films that deal with the content. You can put them on hold until you feel you're in a better place mentally.

I would speak to any therapist or mental health worker that you're in connection with. They're likely much better at providing actual support. You can find a lot of resources online about Cognitive Behavioural Therapy - a lot of them are free or cheap to purchase. It might be a good idea to reach out to your therapist and see if they recommend you practice with these kinds of resources. CBT worksheets are designed for a person to use themselves even in a private setting. You might find these kinds of things helpful, or you might not. I would urge you to be cautious on using them if you haven't contacted someone who can actually give you mental health recommendations and advice. I am not a mental health worker, I'm just someone who's had experience in seeking out a diagnosis and help for OCD. This was something that was suggested to me personally.

I think it's important to remember that mental health recovery isn't a literal straight line from "bad place" to "good place". You're going to feel like you've taken steps backwards or to the side. But steps backwards can actually be good in the long run as they shift your recovery towards something that actually suits you and the place you're in. It can feel very frustrating and scary, but that doesn't mean we're not making progress. Think of it as going back and building up a stronger foundation to build up on. I know you've probably heard this before, and it can feel frustrating hearing things like this again. But there's definitely been times in my life that I've felt I've taken huge steps back, and then once the dust settled realised I was in a better position than I thought I was.

I do not believe that God uses mental health disorders to punish us. Mortal sin is based around us consensually fully knowing and wanting to participate in sin. I personally believe that mental health disorders make it hard or outright impossible to fully understand and consent to whatever 'sin' our mental health disorder brings us to do. Caring about offending God and going against His will because of you mental illness shows care and love for God. Of course that doesn't make us immune to sin, we all fall short. But God calls us continually to a loving relationship with Him. Open yourself up about the struggles you face. Have a sincere dialogue with Him.

You have a diagnosed mental health disorder, and its symptoms can make you feel as though you're possessed. But you still have a loving relationship with God. You don't want to harm Him, you don't want to offend Him. The next time that you feel like you're struggling with those fears, remember that those fears invalidate themselves because they are fears of offending and hurting God.

And of course I'll keep you in my prayers. God bless you.

[mental-health-advice]

I have intrusive homicidal and suicidal thoughts. I'm thinking of cutting myself (normally I just pick scabs). I've had 3 anxiety attacks in 6 months. I had a panic attack daily for a week for all of June. I have nobody to turn to. My parents are unsupportive, my school would tell. My friends are unequipped to help. I've been waiting too long. I know there's nothing I can do, but I need something- at least some sort of comfort. -Lauren Wood (alias)

Hi Lauren,

I am sorry to hear that you are going through such a tough time right now. I am really proud of you for reaching out for help, that’s such a positive step towards recovery! Hopefully I’ll be able to give you some helpful advice or at least some reassurance

Firstly, I do just need to say that if you have taken any action to end your life or harm yourself severely, then please contact your local emergency services (e.g. 999) for immediate support. If you are reaching a crisis point then try to get yourself to a safe place and contact someone who can help to keep you safe and take you to the emergency room if necessary. You can also always contact a helpline or web counsellor for support 24/7. 

In terms of how you may be feeling about self harm right now: Although self harm can provide immediate relief from the emotions you may be experiencing, in the long run it can actually cause more damage - it helps for a short period of time because it causes the release of endorphins which numb pain and induce a sense of euphoria, this is why it can become so addictive. I am going to link you to some of our pages about self harm and ways to try and overcome the urges you may have to hurt yourself:

Information about self-harmAlternatives to self-harmDistractions from self-harmReasons not to self-harmYoutube videos

Going and talking to your doctor would be a great place to start in terms of getting treatment. I know this can be really difficult, especially if your parents are not supportive, but your doctor will be able to diagnose you if applicable and begin treatment, for example anti-anxiety medication. They will also be able to refer you to specialist mental health treatment, for example a psychiatrist. I am going to link our page about getting help here, hopefully this will answer and queries or concerns you have about getting help. Something they may encourage you to look into is talking therapy - a therapist can help you to understand your feelings and where they stemming from, and they will give you some effective coping mechanisms. 

There are some techniques that you may want to try to start helping yourself cope with your panic attacks. Here are links to our self-help and calming down pages. Grounding techniques may also be useful for when your thoughts are escaping you and panic is taking control. I recommend something physical like running your hands under ice cold water, but you could try something non-physical like saying the alphabet forwards and then backwards slowly; these techniques help to bring your thoughts back to reality and away from some of the bad things you might be thinking. 

It is really important the remember that these negative thoughts you are having, are just that - thoughts. You are so much stronger than any of the bad thoughts, lovely, and you are capable of overcoming this! I understand how hard it can be to look into the future and see anything positive when you are currently feeling so low, but I promise you that you can overcome this and there is a positive and happy future waiting for you - so please don’t give up. You can get through this, and we at MHA will be here to support you every step of the way

I hope this has been of some help to you, love. Please don’t hesitate to get back in touch if there is anything else that we can do for you. Please take care,

Rhiann xo