#feels like if i literally can't think about anything else beyond those feelings that might be one of the clues that it's the former and not

[johnwickb1tsch]

Yandere Tex x Reader x John Wick WIP Part 5!

Ready evil geniuses? @treedaddymcpuffpuff @sweetwolfcupcake

John lets you rest after wrecking you for the umpteenth time, disappearing off somewhere. You put off leaving the bedroom for as long as you can, but in the end you can't stand it anymore. You rummage in the closet for a new shirt. Your choices are black, black, and you'll never guess... black. 

This house must belong to John.

How many safe houses does that man have?

When you walk out of the bedroom in your new getup you find Tex in the living room watching TV. He raises an eyebrow at you. 

“We have got to get you some clothes, baby girl.”

You shrug. The boxer t-shirt combo is actually pretty comfy.

You think you might make your way to the kitchen, but Tex snaps his fingers at you as you try to walk past.

You turn to look at him with a raised brow. 

“Can I help you?”

That was the wrong thing to say, obviously. 

His grin is that of a hungry wolf. 

“I bet you can. C'mere, darlin'.”

You sigh, but after your little lesson with John, you're not quite so inclined to defy him. 

Yet.

You're going to have to get smarter about how you expend your energy. 

Easier said than done. 

You pad over next to him. He pats his thigh in invitation, but you opt to sit next to him instead. This lasts for about two seconds, before he hauls you into his lap with his big hands and his strong arms.

Goddammit.

“That's better,” he says with a sly grin, holding you close. 

You take a moment to look at him—really look at him, from up close. The sweep of his almond shaped eyes, his high cheek bones and the short scruff of his beard. He stares back at you, unabashedly. 

“What?”

“Nothing.”

He narrows his eyes at you, bumping his forehead with yours. You wish it wasn't adorable. Fucking man child, making you feel things.

“Wanna watch tv?”

It beat anything else he could dream up, so you agree. You hadn't forgot that he still owed you for your flipping of the bird earlier. You're sure he hasn't either. 

He turns on some stupid gratuitous action flick, and you kind of zone out. Your thoughts drift to John, and the things he told you in-between fucking you silly. 

He'd said that he and Tex would not take on the FBI just for a plaything, or a whore. Deep down, you knew what that meant. 

It meant, they had no real intention of letting you go. The thought filled you with equal parts dread—and wonder. 

Why the fuck would not one, but two fine ass men like this want you, for keeps? It's beyond your comprehension—and if you're honest, kind of flattering. Bat shit fucking crazy, but flattering.

Either that, or it's just...convenient. Your circumstances created a perfect storm from which to snatch you without a trace or a person to care about getting you back.

"Want to see somethin'?" asks Tex, interrupting your reverie.

"Okay?"

He clicks play on the remote once he has your attention. You watch as a 1970s muscle car jumps an impossible ramp, then lands roughly on the other side of a canal. "That was me."

You lift an eyebrow, looking back at him. "In the car?"

"Yeah."

He's grinning like a little kid, clearly proud. 

"You were a stunt man?"

"Uh huh."

You tilt your head, trying to put pieces together and failing. The square block is not fitting in the circle hole. 

"Then why...?"

"Killin' people pays better, believe me. Less dangerous, too."

A chill runs down your spine. 

"Oh."

Your gaze drifts away, but he turns it back to him with a hand on your chin. Those jet black eyes bore into yours, like he can see into your soul. His eyes flick down to your mouth, a moment before he leans in to kiss you. Your first instinct is to offer teeth, before you remember if you have to have sex one more time in the next twenty-four hours, you might literally die. You slip your tongue into the seam of his lips, and feel him smile against your mouth. 

"Mmm. A man could get used to this."

He slides his hand up your thigh, fingertips sneaking past the loose hem of your boxer shorts. 

You wrap your fingers around his, praying. "Tex, please."

"Like the sound of that," he says between kisses, outmuscling you to move his hand higher.

"I'm so sore."

"Sounds like an excuse to me. John gets you to himself but I don't?"

"It's not my fault you're both hung like horses."

This appeal to his ego makes him grin. "Ain't you a lucky girl?"

"Only if you don't hurt me."

He has the gall to give you a pouty face. Again, it should be fucking ridiculous, but somehow it's cute. He cups the side of your face, pushing his thumb between your lips. "How sore is your mouth?" he asks, eyes glittering.

It's not high on your list of things you want to do, but you're having to weigh your options these days. You suck his thumb, and you swear you watch a fire ignite in his eyes.

"Also sore," you say around his digit, sounding ridiculous as he presses down on your tongue. Your jaws hurt. Even your mouth is bruised from kissing. Jesus. You're not a goddamn python.

You try to retreat, but he forces his thumb deeper.

Absolutely out of instinct to defend yourself, you start to bite him.

Maybe you stop yourself before it can hurt or you break skin, but for the wicked gleam in his eyes you know it doesn’t matter. Suddenly you find yourself flipped on your stomach over his lap, as though you are nothing but a doll.

“You are a nippy little thing, you know that?” When he wrenches down your boxers, propping your ass in the air with his trunk of a thigh beneath you, you’re afraid you know exactly what he has in mind.

“No—”

His hand between your shoulder blades pins you down. “You’re just going to make it worse for yourself,” he says in a sing-song tone, almost as though he hopes you will fight him more. His fingers fanned out over your butt cheek rub lightly, soothing over your copious bruises. It feels so good that the first stinging smack makes you jump sky-high.

“Hey!”

“Hush and take your licks, little girl.”

“I hate you!”

“I was gonna say five, for flippin’ me off, but now it’s six. Comprende?”

You whimper, but for the first time since this whole fiasco started, you do the smart thing and shut your dumb fucking mouth, hanging your head in the pillows with resignation.

He’s just spanking you, you reason. How bad can it be?

He has a hand like a catcher’s mitt and arms corded with muscle.

Bad. The answer, is bad.

Yet he doesn’t lay into you immediately, soothing you with featherlight touches over your buttocks and the backs of your thighs. That part feels good, actually, and fuck you if you don’t start to feel the stirrings of desire between your legs.

What. The ever loving. FUCK. Is wrong with you?

“So pretty,” he says, toying with the bend of your knee. It makes your toes curl, and he offers up a deep chuckle that you almost feel more than hear. “You like that?”

“Yes,” you answer meekly, closing your eyes.

“See, I can be sweet, if you’re sweet to me.”

The next smack on the other cheek makes you jump again, but this time you do not protest.

“Ahh. She can be taught.”

You whimper, but keep your expletives to yourself. This is not exactly what you would call sweet…but the contrast of the stinging blows with his featherlight touch afterwards is doing things to you that you do not understand.

“Take this off,” he demands, lifting the hem of your shirt up your back.

For once, you obey him the first time, squirming in your awkward position on your belly and pulling it over your shoulders, leaving you bare and totally exposed upon his lap. He runs his fingers up the curve of your spine, making you shudder upon him. You can’t see his smug grin, but you know, you just fucking know it’s there.

Smack.

You can’t help but cry out, but the pleasure and the pain is strangely starting to meld together. Your treacherous, stupid little cunt has begun to throb, and as his fingers caress dangerously close to your crease you find that you wish he would touch you there.

By the time he’s finished with your licks you are a finely trembling, aching mess on his lap, your fingers like claws in the throw pillow, your ass in the air as though begging for it of its own volition.

Finally he does dip his thick fingers into your weeping slit, groaning to himself for the wetness he finds there. He circles your bud with the thick tip of his finger, making you moan and arch into him like the stupid little hypocrite you are.

“That’s a mighty nice little pussy you’ve got there,” he says, his voice turned pure gravel with desire. “Too bad you’re too sore.”

He withdraws and shoves you off his lap as he stands, leaving you in a heap of pliable naked limbs on the couch. The frustrated sound that escapes your throat is barely human, and the grin he pays you is the baring of teeth from a predator to a rabbit across the wood.

“Now don’t let me catch you touchin’ yourself,” he warns, looming over you. “You won’t like what happens next.”

 On that note he struts off, and you watch him go with a glare, unable to stop yourself from thinking he has the nicest, tightest little butt this side of the Mississippi river.

Bastard.

[gachagon]

I love it when characters who were previously incredibly pompous and egotistical realize that the pedestal they've placed themselves on is actually worthless given the current situation they're now in.

Kaiser is realizing now that his idea of what it takes to be on top, to be the best striker is wrong and that it's probably been wrong for a while. And that's really got to suck, because while Kaiser has accomplished a lot of great things, ultimately his goal pales in comparison to the people he now has to go up against. Isagi and the other Blue Locker's aren't just there to rise up the ranks slowly, this is a last man standing program and Kaiser isn't strong enough to stand on his own.

He had become a great player, but he's not the best player. And he needs to be better in order to even have that position of acclaim in the first place. I am reminded of what Isagi taunted him with earlier, calling him a "Naked Emperor/King" which is an obvious reference to the "Emperor's New Clothes".

In that short story, a king orders himself new clothing that outshines everyone else and so the court creates "Invisible Clothing that only he can see" for the King. The king accepts the clothes and "wears" them, and so to him he is wearing the finest cloak imaginable, but to everyone else he is just a naked man making a fool of himself.

In a way, Kaiser ended up being the naked emperor in that he only came to the realization that his past achievements weren't good enough to stay in the team until this very game with Isagi.

I really think that fear of losing everything he worked for was always holding him back from really going above and beyond as well, because while he does have the support of a partner to do passes for him and he's able to read the field accurately, he doesn't take chances that tougher opponents hand him.

His backstory as a thief really puts this into perspective too because thieves wait for the right moment to strike instead of going out into the open to steal. And just like a thief, everything they get is "unearned" because they just take it from other people. In a way, you could almost say Kaiser's position as the best and the king was unearned because he hadn't actually done what needed to be done in order to get to that level.

And that's why I think this makes him so upset when Ness rattles off all of the thing's he's done, because ultimately none of those things will really amount to anything if he can't keep control of this team and be the best among them. It won't matter if he's scored a goal in every match, or if he's gotten offers from top teams, his goal is to be better than everyone and right now some dude from a no name prefecture in Japan is wiping the floor with him, and easily.

You really gotta feel sorry for Ness too, because he thinks of himself as one of Kaiser's "accomplishments" in a way, but Kaiser literally doesn't care about him enough. He just see's Ness as a tool to use, someone who's easily replaceable and loyal like a dog.

My moot (@miyamiwu) made a really good observation about how Ness might just leave Kaiser soon if he doesn't keep playing in that magical way that captured Ness in the first place, and I think that's true now especially since Kaiser himself seems to also realize it. When he's thinking about all of the achievements he could potentially lose if he doesn't win this, Ness is one of them.

"I thought I was becoming human." Is so sad too because I think deep down he really did think that by being close to Ness that he was truly becoming a normal player, that he was on the fast track to achieving his goals. But because he doesn't really know what that goal is anymore, the rug has been pulled from under him now and he has to literally reevaluate what is probably years worth of self reflection.

I also think this chapter is Kaiser ditching the rose as a symbol of his ego because he's truly looking back on things and realizing that the object that really gave him solace wasn't that symbol of the impossible, but the soccer ball itself. He is coming to terms with the fact that without soccer, he doesn't have anything at all, and that it is the only reason he was even able to get this far or have the courage to fight back against his abusive shitty dad.

Instead of the rose tattoo being here, we see there's a new tattoo that's prominent now and it's in the shape of a crown. And rather than being in a place where he's most vulnerable (his neck), the tattoo is on his hand, which I think symbolizes how he is able to take his own freedom and by extension his own place as a king with his own two hands.

Kaiser's solitude is something he really needs to become the best, because if he can't do it alone, than he can't do it at all. He is clinging desperately to the things he has managed to gather throughout these years, including Ness' loyalty and he's so afraid of losing even one of those things that it's making him a worse player.

However, whether or not being totally alone is what he needs to heal as a person is another thing entirely, which is ultimately why I don't think Kaiser will ever beat Isagi and that if he does it'd actually be the worst ending for him. Throughout this entire manga, Kaiser comes off as a really calculated person who's always thinking ten steps ahead, but inside he is just a damaged kid who is using soccer as his one means of coping with the trauma he faced as child.

And that phrasing "I thought I was becoming human" really just makes me feel so sad for Kaiser, because to him if he doesn't have soccer he is less than human and has nothing to give back to the world. He has never allowed himself any time to just be a normal teenager and just make friends in a healthy way, and the one friend he does have might just up and leave if he's not playing in a groundbreaking way. He thinks so lowly of himself that he hinges his entire identity around how other people perceive his abilities in the game, and if he's not the best at the game, he surely can't matter that much as a player, no matter how much Ness tries to placate him with words about how he's "already done enough".

Ego Jinpachi said it as well after Nagi made his really good goal, that some people are content with just being average and "good" instead of being great. And that it's because they're content with where they are in life, that they never advance at all. The idea that they are totally fine in their current position makes them lose the drive they normally would have if they weren't still thinking about trying to get better.

And Blue Lock's philosophy hinges on the player wanting to always get better and better and beat the other players on the field. Being "good" is never enough, hell being "Great" isn't enough at times, you need to be the best forever. You need to make it so that dethroning you is an uphill battle.

[tomnookishot]

although i feel i will most likely expand on it more in the future as i discover more about myself and the Aromantic Lifestyle, i think for now this might be my hatoful aro masterpost. this all has been on my mind for the past few weeks without me even recognising it and so i kinda just want to touch on uh. almost all of the main characters tbh.

when, a few years ago, i made those UGLY pride headcanon pieces (and yes i hate ALL of them now even yuuya and sakuya and i have considered remaking them but can't muster the willpower to do so) i think i was still weaning off of my inner asshole fandom gay who sat me down and told me "hey bitch. these fags better be AT LEAST bi or else you are homophobic. that's right you HOMOPHOBE i'll KILL YOU!!" as a baby gay i never felt like it was my place to say "hey i don't actually think these characters would be gay" or "i think the emotions projected onto them are not fully fleshed out or accurate to their personality" because i thought expressing a differing opinion made me an asshole, and in my defense there were and continue to be people who say that if you DON'T hc a character as queer, and queer in an acceptable way, then you are homophobic. but look at me now! i'm an asshole! and im defending the rights of aros everywhere 😤 (it's me it's literally just me im the only aro im defending). all of this is to say i have changed a lot of my opinions on the characters through my own exploration of them and through other people's inputs. and im here to tell YOU that you are AROPHOBIC if you don't hear me out and proceed to align all of your headcanons exactly with mine and then give me all of your money and you don't want to be aphobic now do you?

the character that i actually initially wanted to make an aro post about was my sweet normal-type trainer ryouta. i have to be honest with everyone. i actually think ryouta might be hetero. i honestly had no solid idea about his identity when i made my omni hc i genuinely just looked up a list of pride flags so i could say something interesting and im not fucking joking. it was a different time in my life. i actually don't think he would have an interest in men. i just don't read it in him. he admires male characters but that hardly goes beyond signs of genuine friendship. if anything i can see what people say about him after bbl with sakuya but like. is it inappropriate for me to say that i see it as. sometimes going through a traumatic experience with a friend and then having them want you to be safe could be a sign of platonic bonding and trust. i am not sure if ill bring this up more in this post but genuinely one of my least favorite things about internet fandom culture is having to defend yourself when saying a pair of characters might be friends. it so often devolves into arophobia and the devaluing of friendship when I DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ROMANCE AND FRIENDSHIP in the FIRST PLACE. im not here to say you're WRONG for reading it as romantic. in fact i think in this case it's lowkey fair to do so. but not only is my reading different, i would like to ask an audience that doesn't agree to go into the rest of this post being mindful of the prejudices that are involved with being deeply defensive about romantic headcanons, and that it SUCKS being aromantic and having to add disclaimers like this about your ideas when most queer fandom spaces never expect you to have them for headcanons concerning most other LGBT identities.

anyway. what just happened i blacked out i take no responsibility for anything that i just said. what i wanted to say was that while i really don't read The Gay on ryouta, i think demiro RADIATES from him. i don't remember what it came from, it might've been the qna translation i did, but that time moa was like "if ryouta couldn't be with hiyoko he would probably just be okay being single forever" had me thinkin. i think the typical allo interpretation would probably be "oh so noble he would be so hung up on his old crush that he would never move on to someone new" but i think, when you red string bulletin board this quote across a couple other loose pieces of evidence you can see that it's pretty g-dang demi of him. his attraction to hiyoko stems almost exclusively from his connection with her. he hardly ever makes comments about her looks or how pretty she is. his ideal relationship with her is to just continue the things they've been doing forever, except now they're married i guess. he loves her for the way he's always thought of her, and for the fact that she's such a wonderful friend. she's ALWAYS been strong and supportive, he says. that's what makes ryouta admire her, he says.

he gets defensive when someone gets emotionally close with her. something that always stood out to me in his talk with yuuya on the holiday star was when he says something along the lines of "nageki knows a side of hiyoko that i don't." his fears come from someone knowing hiyoko in a similar intimate way that he does, and i think that's because that's the only way he might process romantic attraction coming to be. he also invalidates the way he believes yuuya sees attraction. in that same talk he throws jabs at how yuuya plays with girls and doesn't really come to know them, and again, besides coming from a society that is against casual sexuality, i think that would make a lot of sense within the context of ryouta seeing deep emotional connection as the only way you can have a "real" romantic love. i think ryouta doesn't really have a want or need to dig deeper into the implications of his attractions, which obviously results in him not even realising he has a crush on hiyoko, but i also think he just isn't. that concerned with figuring out where he stands in terms of romantic orientation. in a world where he is mlm, i think he would probably never recognise that or at least never label it, but regardless, if he's demi i think he would just never see that not everyone experiences attraction the way he does. i think he would be infinitely confused with the people who get married based on five months of dating after meeting on a dating app, which is what i do. honestly i just think ryouta is so accustomed to the status quo of being a young supportive straight guy that he sees his own demiromanticism as, if anything at all, just him being peak love story protagonist. so in conclusion i see ryouta as a hetero-demiromantic who doesn't KNOW that he's demiromantic.

as im trying to decide how i want to order this, i think i have to get someone out of the way. everyone knows i hate him with a passionate fury and i genuinely don't like thinking about him BUT. i have shoe eewahmeanay thoughts. im sorry. i have read what the shuu likers have to say about him. i have read the accursed pieces on his relationship to ryuuji. and your first assumption may be that i would read shuu as aromantic, because i am a freak. well it's not true. i actually DON'T see him as strictly aromantic. i think reading emotions through a clinical and cold view is very common to the aspec experience, especially to romance- and sex-repulsed people. putting yourself completely outside of the actions and experiences and just viewing them through a purely scientific this-is-what-social-creatures-in-A-Society-do-sometimes standpoint, you can find more ease and comfort in examining how other people view relationships. but im not here to argue that this is something that makes shuu aro (considering that is literally something he does), rather i would like to argue that this is something that stems from shuu being a general freak when it comes to Having Relationships. i kind of assume shuu might be somewhere on the arospectrum and as a certified shuu hater it's not my place to decide exactly where but i still see a possibility of attraction being an element of his actions. but it's fucked up™ attraction. i think more than anything being a little neglected boy already part of an upper class where genuine connection is discouraged is the biggest factor in iwamine's stunted social development, but he's also just. i don't think he was ever wired to desire or feel connection, not like most other people at least.

i will happily back the idea that isa was desperate for a well-rounded father figure, and that this is what lead him to becoming so deeply attached to ryuuji rather than him just having a gay crush. he is extremely fucking complicated and i know the shuu likers know that. im pretty sure most articulated shuu opinions will probably factor in the bad childhood and unhealthy dependencies into isa's view on ryuuji. i also think, though, that it is entirely too interesting to imagine that isa cannot comprehend the weight or meaning of his own emotions. i don't know if he's aromantic because on a fundamental level i cannot understand any attractions that i feel and it is extremely difficult to parse through different types of attraction. i think that is exactly the kind of compelling idea to play around with for shuu. i think he would sort through his feelings about ryuuji only after his passing, that being the critical trigger for him to do so and he would be unwilling to think too much about it otherwise, and if/when he did, it would still be in his patented narrow, clinical view. i don't think it's ridiculous to believe that there are unknown and involuntary brain fuck-ups going on that stem from attraction in that guy. of course shuu as an adult can only define his relationship to ryuuji through given societal standards, and i genuinely think there is something deeper than romantic intention there, but shuu may only come to the conclusion of "i'm a fucked up little freak boy who secretly liked being cared about but also i kinda thought he was attractive" (paraphrasing) due to the few words that our world gives us to define different relationships. really he just needs therapy.

um but my issue, the only one that really made me think about my arch nemesis this much, is the sheer amount of fluff that people write him into. it's INSANE. THOSE are the shuu likers who i don't think are as articulated as the ones i RESPECT. regardless of how shuu feels about ryuuji or what attraction he feels for him, shuu shows time and time again an inability to actually express his feelings about other people in any typical way. most of the time he just. y'know. expresses himself through violence and negativity. his interactions with ryuuji are usually dry and riddled with criticisms. shuu ends up carrying out his legacy through genocide. any friendship he could've conceived with tohri was always shut down because isa was always blunt with him, although i think isa didn't genuinely have any ill will towards tohri; tohri is just kind of an insecure guy who is very sensitive to criticism. with hiyoko the only way he can live with her is through actual murder. oh and did i say live i mean commit suicide. i don't know how he feels about hiyoko and to be honest im not terribly eager to figure it out but my point is that shuu only ever expresses positive emotions through negative means. i don't care if you think shuu just wants to be ryuuji's son or if you think shuu is a raging homosexual. he wouldn't be able to make it known either way. there is a post, and i don't have the will to dig it up because to my memory it was very crude but i found it funny nonetheless. i think it was tumblr user fluffyheretic who made a post saying something like "shuu iwamine would not be a hot daddy dom he would be googling 'how to kiss' on google dot com" and honestly yeah. i-- like-- how would that man ever be hot or god forbid fluffy in any other context than his chubby widdle partwidge cheeks. he would not be able to fathom a romantic relationship with the people he knows. he'd probably just like. idk. fantasize about dissecting their body and that would be the only thing he could imagine for days on end. and OH MY GOD. no he would not fucking plan a date. i am throwing shade to the fucks on ao3. this fag would not be cute or romantic at all. he would be off-putting and then you would leave. that would be the date. you might get a back-handed compliment. that's literally how he "courts" hiyoko. NOBODY LIKES HIM. in-game i mean. he is unlikeable. he is a dickhead. hiyoko and ryuuji are the only people to ever form a positive opinion of him because they are positive forces who love everyone. everyone else at the very least says mean shit about him behind his back. shuu iwamine aka isa souma aka utsuro ichijou is an aspec anomaly to me and it doesn't matter if he's aro or not. it's not like he could ever fucking land a date anyway.

transition to someone who is kind of that bitch's opposite: sakuya. or i guess really shuu's good parallel. that constitutes an entire post of its own tbh but. i think in general, even people who aren't that invested in aromanticism in hatoful could probably get down with grayro sakuya. to me at least, it kinda just makes sense on a basic level. he's not really invested in interpersonal relationships, even during his dating route which, need i mention, has its arc revolve around sakuya's personal growth and hardly is it ever implied he is attracted to hiyoko. the only time he ever begins to really feel exceptionally strongly about the people around him is coincidentally the same timeline in which yuuya tells him about their shared history: bbl. that's when he gains a sense of responsibility for his actions and feels a genuine care for his friends, and of course a painful regret for how he treated yuuya in particular his entire life. im almost tempted to call him straight up aromantic but ill let him be grayromantic as a treat. i think it compliments ryouta's demi-ness as the other part of the bbl pair. it also makes sense to me in the context of his very rare flattery in response to other people's praise, i think particularly hiyoko's. i find the thing he says in response to that one question about romantic types, the "someone who has acquired high-class refinement and etiquette. if one does not have those qualities, then they do not deserve to stand by my side," also kind of telling about sakuya's relationship to romance. obviously it's influenced by his role as a noblebirdie and the expectation he finds a partner as a political duty, but also notice how he says it in response to "who is your type?" and not something like "who do you see yourself marrying in the future?" it's not a description of personality or looks, it's a description of behavior. it's a detached response, implying that romance, to him, is not about what he finds attractive. romance is something that is EXPECTED of him. it could generally be assumed, i think, that if you actually did have a type in people, then regardless of if you were to be in an arranged marriage you would be happy to tell other people of that type. I'm sure the most common spin of this is just going to be that sakuya is really dedicated to the whole aristocrat bit but i think it reflects a lack of real interest in romantic relationships. if i were an aro prince thing and the press asked me what my type was, id probably also just respond with how my parents are going to decide who to set me up with. i'm not really looking for anything else, am i?

now. i have something controversial to say. i have gone. back and forth a hundred times on this boy and how i think he feels. and to be honest with everyone i think i might be a yuuya aromantic truther. i think yuuya is a very flirtatious aromantic little freak. and i know, right, he's like the most romantic guy in the entire cast. but it's very similar to the yuuya asexuality logic where flirting and romantic facades are simultaneously his only way of connecting to other people and yet also something that drives a wedge further between him and his connections. when he actually gets close to hiyoko, which is one of, if not the most intimate relationship he develops within the series, it's honestly not that romantic in nature. they're kinda just like. hangin out, but spy-type hangin out. like the entire post i wrote about hiyoko and yuuya's friendship. i know the whole partners-in-crime, two-of-us-against-the-world trope is usually a romantic one, but consider the beauty of the platonic version. consider the freedom. the commitment almost feels more intense when you drop the chains of romantic pressure to stay together. i think the best possible outcome of yuuya's dating route is tosakazaki qpr. besties but with COMMITMENT. besties but they love each other more than ANYTHING IN THE WORLD. the word queerplatonic has been ruined for me for various reasons but i just know they can reclaim it. i think yuuya might be so casual about romance and sex because he knows it's not in the cards for him. i can say your mom and i are in a committed relationship together with a completely straight face because i will never ACTUALLY be in a committed relationship with your mother. yuuya, similarly, can say he is in a committed relationship with everyone on the planet with a completely straight face because he knows he won't ever actually be in a committed relationship with anyone on the planet. it's so baller of him. i send kiss emojis to my friends and call them hot everyday but i would vomit if they got too close to me. maybe yuuya wouldn't be as touch-repulsed as the little freak i am but i think he would understand flirting as this somewhat rude way to compliment other people without getting too close. that's like. his entire thing.

ill be honest i have very little evidence for aro yuuya i just really WANT it to be real. yuuya- and hiyoko-type aromanticism is just very relatable to me. i relate to and love how they obsess over their friends, especially the way yuuya does it from a comfortable exaggerated distance that makes it clear he just wants to flatter you, and i just WANT it to be in an aro way. because i need more overtly flirtatious characters who just Do Not Want romance. because i need on a visceral level to normalise the presence of romantic elements in a completely platonic setting. making hiyoko and yuuya aromantic, to me, is my big fuck you. i will make these romantic characters aromantic and i will do it again. epic fuck you moment for the people who insist there are things that have to be romantic. epic fuck you moment for the people who claim things that don't involve them as a romantic scenario. my omnipotent level takes on these stupid bird characters are leagues ahead of your stupid baby "weah weh but he risked his life for her that's romance" incorrect IDIOT im literally living my life out of bounds and you're still debating on whether it's gay for a character to literally just CARE about another person.

okay okay i know that sounded like a conclusion but it wasn't fuck off. i'm only halfway through the main cast do you really think im done?

i think nageki is one of the characters i actually don't REALLY care about in terms of romantic identity but i've defaulted to aromantic as a defense mechanism against uncomfortable shit. i think it makes sense with his character (i love autism) and his storyline. but there's a lot of projection there too. and my feeling of protectiveness over a character i really love in such a personal way. i also think it meshes cutely with the fact that hiyoko and hitori, his SIBLINGS!! are aromantic themselves. so that's my headcanon, but honestly i don't feel THAT headstrong about it. i don't think it really makes sense in my head for him to be gay but i dont really care either way about other people's opinions on the matter. i think what bothers me is just that he's REALLY young and there is some Weird Shit that people put him in. sometimes i see him portrayed as. weirdly lustful??? or like uncomfortably obsessive? and not only is that sort of thing low-key weird as hell but like. did you play the game LMAO. clearly you don't know him like i do. sorry everybody part of being aromantic and bringing that into your favouwite tings is being PETTY AS HELL!!! that's my job here.

i thought i had more to say about nageki considering he's like. almost my oldest aro og but i kinda. don't. actually i spent an undisclosed amount of time tracking down a japanese playthrough of hatoful to see which version of "i love you" nageki used in his final speech but it honestly didn't clear very much up. and keep in mind the fact that nageki is talking from such a place of emptiness. he talks about how he fell numb to pain and hiyoko brought back feelings for him but mostly those negative ones. the ONLY positive light in his world is hiyoko. so an intense display of affection is KINDA warranted. and hypothetically it would also be possibly the most logical misunderstanding of one's own emotions in the game. idk sorry everyone hiyoko/nageki sibling dynamic for life. i've stayed in that mindset for so long that on occasion i raise an eyebrow when i see them paired together and then im like Oh. Shit. I'm Being Unreasonable Here. hey but what can you do. nageki love of my life, walking aromantic flag, please tread lightly in the scary waters of fandom spaces.

anghel higure freak of st pigeonation's high baja blast advertisement self-described martyr public-described weirdo someone id totally clock as a trans woman due to the fact that no cis man plays dungeons and dragons liberal user of eyeliner the goth asshole taking all of the GOOD chains from goodwill. an enigma of a person. when sheltered white gay people who ask "okay but are you afab or amab" say we need more weird queers they do NOT mean him. he would say something in his foreign language that roughly translates to "hey if you're a dude bangin dudes then have at em man im not gonna stop ya" and that may lead you to believe he is a straight ally but do NOT look at the yaoi in his sketchbook it reveals something about his mind. he's bisexual he's a little TOO gay he's looking up "homosexual tendencies" and clicking on sketchy medical advice websites he's a lesbian but he isn't a woman he probably isn't a man but non-binary rubs him the wrong way where's that book for parents of closeted children he's a pansexual imp who'll die happy he has no idea what pride is he thinks neopronouns are neat but has no idea how to communicate that in a way other people understand his parents keep hinting that they know he's not straight but he thinks he's keeping it under tight wraps maybe he is straight but he just doesn't FEEL straight he could never catch a date and he's happy about it he gets flattered once and catches feels the hero getting the girl in the end is too cliché but the doomed lone wolf story isn't but hypothetically his story might be cooler with a love interest how about everyone is the love interest this is his otome wait i thought he wasn't a woman and what about that pretty girl the next classroom over who is willing to larp with him is she technically a male love interest actually it's weird if he's going to date everyone how about instead everyone is attracted to him but as the accursed fallen angel he has a duty to never reciprocate he WILL puke if you hold his hand he's probably on the lgbt spectrum but honestly he doesn't care enough to figure it out right now he's got this sick cosplay project he's working on do you wanna see? yeah i don't know what anghel is. he can be aromantic if he wants. but he has to be a weird aromantic. he can be loveless or alloaro or romance favourable or fuck it he's romance repulsed or maybe he wants to kiss but that doesn't mean anything besides the fact that he likes it. it doesn't matter as long as he's weird about it. the minute he stops being weird about it he's fucked.

im sorry everybirdie i didn't realise i had so much to say about the other characters but so little about these last three. and now my transitions between subjects would be too much of a hassle to change so i could organise this into a more well-rounded balance of long rants and short tidbits. i wanted to save hitori for last because when i tried to talk about why he's aromantic i felt like the audience was more concerned with the fact that i was trashing on his popular ships than the fact that He Is Aromantic Guys I'm Being For Real He Told Me Himself. so i wanted to clarify my reasoning more thoroughly as the final character in the lineup, but im actually pretty sure that i WAS clear about why i think he's aromantic at the time, and now i don't have too much i want to say. so here's a list of bullets explaining why he's aromantic:

it makes the most sense with his storyline and character - hitori really is a character defined by his relationships to this around him, but like. in a way that he never has the spotlight. he's providing for his little siblings. he's providing support for his students. he's making it clear that hiyoko needs to learn about herself before she ever gets close with him. hell, he kills a man not out of bloodthirst or malice but as a sacrifice for his brother. he STRIVES to be alone. his baby siblings are his priority in his life and that doesn't change for a second, because like a baby bird (ha) he's made this imprint on the only people he truly associates with love and losing them was like losing what love MEANS to him. which is literally what he says himself. so like. not only does that mean other relationship archetypes are not in his field of vision, but treating his loved ones with that brotherly, somewhat overwhelming care is the only way he really knows HOW. it's how he treats kazuaki (til the end OOPS) and his students and hiyoko. and like i said. in the end of his story (as in. not mirror universe), his outcome is that he is alone without his children to look after. he goes along with hiyoko's confession in the end not because he's actually interested but because. i guess he just doesn't really have anything else to do. i don't even think he believes he can love again. i think hiyoko just goes "it's too sad that you don't want to love again :(" and then kazuaki goes "*sharp nose inhale, midwestern thigh pat* so anyway if you're still interested in that whole dating thing we can probably do that later if you want." i just really think inserting romantic love into his story after nageki is such a disservice to this entire key part of his character, that being that he REFUSES to love again after the loss of his brother. also it just feels kinda weird in a mirror scenario or whatever to make him get romantically involved with anyone SORRY i've heard that boyish charm in how he speaks i can only see confused innocence in his eyes my apologies

can you REALLY imagine him in a relationship or do you just see a generic anime guy and want to ship him with the closest twink

it makes the most sense within the themes of hatoful as a game - HELLO least romantic romance game EVER like please. this game is about appreciating the little things and learning to love life and yourself through grief THERE'S NO TIME WE'VE GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE DROP THE SHIPS FUCK THE THEMES THEY'RE GETTING CLOSER HELP HEEEELLLLP OH NO I LOVE MY LIFE AND IM OKAY BEING ALONE EVEN THOUGH I LOST THE PEOPLE I LOVE FUCK IT'S LIKE SOMETHING THAT PENETEATES EVERY ROUTE GAHHHHHH

that thing he said in the character interview about "never really having thought about [his romantic type]"

it is objectively funny

a few years ago at a high school show choir showcase there was a solo about a girl who was insane and falling in love with a hot coffee barista but he actually didn't know what romance is

all of the fan content surrounding him and romance is So bad and out of character (or even half portraying him as not wanting it in the first place) that i literally cannot see him as anything but aromantic. you guys literally ruined it sorry.

women are gross and men are gross and he didn't know people could be other genders until he heard some more in-touch teenager talking about it and honestly he's still pretty confused he's supportive but it's not something he could be into even just for the fact that he's nervous about offending them

it would honestly be embarrassing if he ever got into a relationship like all of that "my siblings are everything to me" and for what. you have a girlfriend now? that's gay

speaking of which him being straight makes like a thousand times more sense than him liking men but also i hate straight people

it makes ME uncomfy so i get to have my favourite boy be aromantic because i hate everyone here

sometimes i feel like applying really specific queer labels to characters is doing them a disservice in itself, because some characters seem Weird enough to delve into niche queer spaces and find those labels, but a lot of characters don't even know what pansexual actually means and you know it. my ideal way of defining a character's orientation is by looking at what would make sense for them to be attracted to and then just saying that's what they're attracted to, rather than saying they're gay or they're straight or bi or whatever. anyway that's just what i've been trying the make clear over the course of this post besides the aromanticism of it all.

i'm writing an entirely new conclusion from the one i wrote back in january. i think that aromanticism has become more of a rebellion than anything else to me. in all facets of my life. sometimes it's just so goddamn hard to EXIST as a PERSON when it's like nobody even believes you as you are. i feel like i've lost a lot of autonomy to be anything except a memory or a story. and im not interested in being erased. but i don't think any place has ever made me feel as seen and validated and VINDICATED as the aromantic community. it's like. Fuck you. yeah im not part of any boxes you'd understand. i feel like i didn't feel such a sense of free will until i found myself here. hell. i can do WHATEVER i want. i never thought about that. literally nobody can stop me. aromanticism cuts so many ties from other people's realities and what they believe to be real. so many people HATE aromanticism or what it stands for even if they don't want to admit it. and that is everything to me.

but in a fandom space, where rules are so much more rigid than they appear, where you come to share your favourite things with other people and only find that everyone is trying to make it known that their opinion is the Most Correct One about your beloved series or franchise or whatever the hell, it's like. kinda really hard to exist. as an aromantic and as a member in general. the other day i saw a community post on youtube by this girl who got popular in a niche community and she was just really conflicted because on one hand she wanted to move on from the space and make things she actually was interested in but on the other hand she didn't want to give up what she loved about this game and she also didn't want to lose her audience. and man the amount of times i've seen that shit is pretty disheartening. it's really not an unfounded fear. i have SEEN people who do cool stuff die out because they got popular for something very specific. it's so draining to motivation for them and it's always a shame to see people you like give up because they just don't matter to very many others. my point by bringing this story up is to just give an example that i saw recently of how suffocating fandom is. people are mean, man. for a lot of people fan spaces are freeing and happy but i feel like sometimes we just forget that they'll never be as good as just having a group of friends in real life to discuss your favourite things with. because the internet is designed to divide and organise and if we're being honest i think a lot of people fall into the trap of feeding the cycle of trying to make fandom this Very Specific Thing when it's really just a bunch of guys. and god. people who participate in fandom. well by default they are already very online and so g-dang it they're kinda just pricks. and sometimes the sheer amount of mental disorder within these spaces it. y'know don't fuckin deny it man it adds to the assholeness sometimes.

so like. being such a small minority within fandom, as an aromantic, is also my rebellion here. fuck you. i'm not falling into the tropes assigned seemingly at random to force a dynamic between characters. i can see without the blurred lens of the Shipping Glasses™. i am pretty sure that being aromantic kinda makes the grasp on characterisation a little stronger because im not looking at things the same way some other people are. sorry to be on my high horse everyone. Enjoying your hobby vs. Joining the subreddit for that hobby. everything is aromantic. i have a beam for it. i'm sorry to all of the other aros who feel excluded from fan spaces because of the sheer invasiveness that comes with shipping culture and amatonormativity and just plain Assholes within fan spaces. just something i've been thinking about for like. fucking. a few years idk. all of the hatoful characters have that aro in them because i couldn't give less of a shit about bad takes (bad takes being They Are Not Aromantic). i've got good takes. this is aromanticism baby. okay i'm gonna go hang myself from a tree now bye bye.

[shinjisdone]

Hello. Could you do a Thorfinn (16/17) x Fem/gn Reader? where Reader is a very affective touching person and when it's bored randomly give him a kiss in the cheek, take his hand or hugs him?

S1!Thorfinn With An Affectionate Reader

okay real talk, I have been pondering about this request for weeks.

Generally if we look at Thorfinn's character, he wouldn't ever be really fond of such open and direct, bold affection.

The lad's a viking. A killing, stupid, stubborn, naive, bratty viking who goes through hell and beyond just to get a duel with the killer of his father.

BRO HE SAVES HIM JUST TO KILL HIM LATER

I mean??? If that does not tell you what kind of misguided weirdo he is...

Oh, well. We love him anyway ❤️

And you do as well.

Whether or not your affections will even be TOLERATED, depends on your relationship and closeness with him.

If you are close, he will hold your hand back. However, he sees these kinds of gestures in a more functional way.

Alone in the dark of a stormy night with only this weak light guiding you? Of course Thorfinn would hold your hand. You're gonna get lost if he doesn't.

Your fingers are blue and stiff from the winter cold? He offers his warm palm or else you'll freeze, idiot.

But just holding hands out of??? Enjoyment and???? Affection and care and love???

Are you stupid or somethin'????

Well, since you're already holding his hand he might as well hold yours back with a pout, looking away. He'll let you know that you are being overly and unnecessarily gushy.

The blonde would however, be too embarrassed to initiate any hand-holding on his own. It's just not something he does.

Hugging? Well, if you are, again, about to freeze to death, he can hug you. Don't die now.

But to show one's appreciation and care??? Man, you really are stupid.

Unlike holding hands, hugging is something Thorfinn would only allow in privacy. Hugging at the sight of the rest of the band would just bring in unneeded banter and comments. So stop being so childish and hold out your little 'huggies' until you two are out of their sight. Cannot be that hard, right?

Once you embrace him, the lad will begrudgingly hug you back quite gently. He is silent and stiff while avoiding your gaze. If you do it often enough or are even extra cuddly, you might catch him with red cheeks.

KISSES ON THE CHEEK? OKAY THERE ARE NO USES FOR THAT!

No holding warm, no losing each other in the darkness - there is literally NO good reason for you to...kiss him!

And don't you DARE even THINK about doing it around the others! He'd rather get punched ten times in the face rather than having to bear those comments!

No matter how close you are, again, Thorfinn will not initiate anything himself, especially kissing. In fact, like a little boy, he will smear the spot you kissed off - as if you had just infected him with a disease or cooties (a disease called love, Thorfinn~)

Hand-holding and hugs are tolerable but he will really start complaining at kisses. What do you even think you are doing? Can't you just...act normal for once?!

He complains and fusses though do not miss his flushed cheeks. The blonde will never admit it but his body is letting his true feelings slip out.

[tubbypeddle]

parts 7 and 5 jojo's bizarre adventure matchup! with @critter-paw!!

this was interesting! it's been so long since i've had to think about part 7 beyond just johnny and gyro because it's been literally years since i've read part 7, but I thought it'd be interesting!

(author's note: credits to gif owners, bc I did not make them. <33 minor spoilers for the manga if anyone hasnt read it yet)

so!

you find yourself in the middle of the Steel Ball Run!

Which of those lucky competitors do you find as yours?

From part 7, I match you with...

Johnny Joestar!

now this one was a surprise to me!

Johnny's a little selfish and blunt, and with your rather anxious nature upon first meeting, it's bound for some hurt feelings. (probably on your end)

But, over time, as the two of you get to know each other a little more, and your more playful nature becomes known to him, he finds himself falling a little more for you.

He sees you less as a competitor, and more as a confidant. Now, he and Gyro get along fine, great even! But he still tells you things he's never told Gyro, things he never thought he'd ever tell anyone; about Nicholas, and his father. He appreciates how well you understand.

(yes, this includes the bug bites)

Johnny often finds himself doubting that he deserves you, even when the two of you aren't together yet. You're just so much better than he is, why would he ever taint you so? Not that you let him continue that train of thought.

You treat him as if he's fragile, and for the first time in his life, that thought doesn't send shivers up his spine. Because you don't treat him as if he's weak, y'know?

Rather, you treat him as if he's something precious, something to be cherished as much as protected. And it makes him feel all mushy gushy inside. The last time anyone's ever treated him like he deserved to be protected, Nicholas had still been alive.

He finds it hard to talk to you sometimes, you just make his throat close up, his words catch in his chest before it even reaches his mouth. Really, everytime you try to talk to him, his face is red and his hands are shaking.

Just as you find him precious, he finds himself being almost disgustingly protective of you. He's willing to sacrifice damn near everything, or everyone, for you, (Save Gyro, of course) the Holy Corpse parts, the world. He will do anything to keep you safe, he will sacrifice anything.

I think you'll find that he'd rather keep your relationship private. He's not a fan of having vulnerabilities known to the public, and that includes you. You are his most treasured person. He can't take losing another important person. If someone takes you from him, he might break for good.

He of all people understands how hard it can be to express your emotions, so he tries his best to be patient with you. He understands the temper and the repression and the awkwardness. Because he's the same. And that familiarity brings understanding. And understanding brings patience.

He makes an effort to learn how you want to say things without saying them, how you express yourself without expressing too much. He owes you at least that much for even giving him the chance of being your partner.

And every gift you give him, he takes great care to keep them safe. Or if they're practical items that he could use everyday, he uses them Every. Day. Until they're so worn they can barely be used anymore. He loves your gifts.

Out of everything though, he loves your humor the most. You're always teasing him, and you match his sarcasm on everything. It's like, when he looks at you, he finally understands what it must be like to love himself, too.

Honorable mentions!! Diego Brando he hates the world as it is, but you...you're something else. He's seen plenty of people like you before, hurt by the world with nowhere else to turn. But you're the first he's met who wasn't so openly disgusted with everything the world has become, and instead has become kinder because of it. He finds you absolutely breathtaking. Gyro Zeppeli He spends a lot of time with Johnny, and after you join their little duo and make them a trio, he's fascinated by you. You are so much like Johnny in every way that matters, and over time, he finds himself falling for you. It's just a damn shame that Johnny got you first...

Oh wow! How cute you and Johnny are!

Now! Back to the first universe! you find yourself in Italy, in 2001!

Now which of these lucky lucky gangsters find themselves belonging to you?

hmmmmmm

Bruno Bucciarati!!

Honestly, the two of you just bond over having grown up way too young. With each other, you two can be as freaky as you want. As childish as you want.

He also takes an interest in your interest in Criminal Justice. Ever the business oriented person, he takes in every bit of information you tell him and uses it to his advantage in his career. Every loophole, every law, he'll memorize it to his advantage.

He also can soothe your hot temper. It's not often that he'll set you off, and if he, or someone else does, he knows how to calm you down. You'll often joke and call it his Bucciarati Charm.

And he cherishes your bruised heart, because you gave it to him. And just like with every gift you give him, he protects it.

He also tries to nudge you out of your habit of apologizing all the time. It's heartbreaking that you feel the need to apologize for merely existing near him. He is your partner, there's nothing to apologize for when you're with him.

Your need to keep neat about things is something he appreciates. When he spends so much of his time around teenage boys and Abbacchio, it's easy to find himself lost in a mess. It's refreshing to have a partner who will help him clean up and keep neat. Even if you are a bit scatterbrained every now and then. He's pretty good at keeping people on track.

You want words of affirmation, he's got you. He loves praising you, especially when he sees you doing something that's normally outside of your comfort zone. He wants you to know that he's proud of you when he is. He's big on gentle communication, and is eager to let you know that.

And he absolutely adores your comfortable style. He likes knowing that you feel comfortable around him. It's domestic in a way he didn't even know he needed in his life.

Honorable mentions! Leone Abbacchio you're precious in a way that he doesn't see in the world very often. Even if he didn't trust you on the team right away, as you got closer to Bucciarati, he found himself longing for you.

This was fun to do again!! Ignore that I accidentally posted it prematurely, that never happened 🤭

[romchat]

Story of Kunning Palace Ep. 18: Observing you observing me

When you've always seen yourself as the villain, is it harder to accept kindness or accept that others see kindness within you?

Hands down my favorite parts of Episode 18 were these two back-to-back scenes with You Fangyin, Jiang Xuening, and Xie Wei. For our two deeply scarred leads, the ability to find someone who truly sees them for who they are and what they could be feels unattainable, and yet in this episode they both find that.

The day after being attacked by a delirious Xie Wei, Xuening goes to visit You Fangyin in prison. Feeling guilty about not being able to stop Yan Lin from being exiled, Xuening also expresses guilt about keeping Fangyin in "another prison" to protect her from her family. Like Xie Wei with Yan Lin, she believes her scheming has shackled Fangyin to an even worse fate.

But Fangyin just smiles and gently corrects her, arguing that Xuening has actually made her life better. She also notes that while "death is the end of everyone's life, the process could have thousands of possibilities." The conversation is a good reminder for Xuening that not only is Yan Lin's disastrous fate not locked into place, but also that perhaps Xie Wei's actions, like her own towards Fangyin, might not be as nefarious as she had originally assumed.

I think that's why when Xie Wei confronts her outside the prison, she's angry but it's more from feeling betrayed than anything else.

Side Note #1: This woman though. Xuening literally saw Xie Wei murder a man and almost gets stabbed/strangled herself, but she's more upset that he kept his plan to protect Yan Lin a secret from her. She might idolize and be attracted to Zhang Zhe's virtuousness but she and Xie Wei are two peas in a pod when it comes to embracing the idea that sometimes the ends justify the (bloody) means.

Side Note #2: I love how Xie Wei is wary enough of Xuening's reaction that he keeps his distance but the moment his guard, Qing Feng, starts criticizing her he moves to her side.

Side Note #3: Zhang Linghe's profile is magnificent. That jawline is sharper than the dagger Xie Wei used to kill Gongyi Cheng.

Xie Wei is an excellent people reader, and when she accepts his invitation back to his home, he knows she's angry. So it takes him aback when she extends a bit of kindness despite that.

The beginning of this scene has such lovely subtle acting by Zhang Linghe. Xuening sees Xie Wei struggle with setting down the qin because of his injured hand so she reaches over and gently places it on the table for him. That cautious lift of Xie Wei's head and the wonderous look on his face like he can't believe she'd offer care after witnessing his violence...that broke me. It says so much about his character and the low expectations he has for the people around him to care.

But when it comes to Xuening, Xie Wei doesn't want her to have those same low expectations of him. He tells her not to trust him, that he's not a good person, and yet he

Risked his life to take pills that would treat his delirium enough that he could approach her the morning after he attacked her;

Is willing to risk his revenge plan by explaining parts of his strategy to someone with links to the Ministry of Justice just so that she doesn't turn away from him;

Gets visibly frustrated when she assumes he just wants to shut her up about the murder rather than explain about Yan Li.

And he tucks it away in his heart that she admits to observing him like he observes her. Although his identity is an illusion, it is enough for him that he is an illusion she truly sees and can be kind to.

Look at that boyish smile.

How she is so oblivious about his feelings at this point is beyond me but Minister of Justice and Cheekbones is pretty distracting so I guess I get it.

[clotpolesonly]

i figured out why Declan is my go-to blorbo, and it's because he's one of those characters where i can find common emotional/experiential ground between him and practically every other significant character and that just makes him fascinating to me and so so versatile

Declan and Gansey: repression, repression, repression!! so much anxiety rolled up into a tiny little ball and stubbornly ignored because feelings are unseemly and have no place here. they will feel things when they're dead, thank you very much. responsible beyond their years, on their own/taking care of themselves long before they should have been. tending to other people or the practicalities of the moment take precedence over themselves, at all times. unfortunately, Ronan is very important to them and they will go out of their way to protect him. also the insomnia and the autism vibes.

Declan and Adam: ruthlessly practical people. hard working and ambitious but for a reason, not for its own sake (Adam to get out of the trailer park, Declan to camouflage his other activities). they would rather die than admit to weakness or vulnerability in front of another human being. Do Not Let The Emotions In Or You Will Never Stop. feeling alienated and fundamentally from their peers, and distrustful of/disillusioned by the idea of help from authority figures -- if you have a problem, solve it yourself. both very very accustomed to lying, constantly and about everything, in order to disguise their home situation and deflect attention from anything that might cause people to ask questions. complicated relationships with their mothers, at least partially rooted in negligence and not stepping in wrt the situation with their fathers. and of course, there's a difference in scale and severity, but feeling unsafe due to the aforementioned fathers.

Declan and Blue: the particular brand of resentment that comes with being the only unspecial member of a special family. being the sensible one and stubbornly proud of how well they manage to get by without any of the ✨ super specialness ✨ that everybody else has. torn between wishing and wondering what it would be like to be special too and being desperately grateful that they're not. wishing that somebody would understand how fucking lonely it is knowing that you and your loved ones will never truly understand each other. being too proud to ever admit as much out loud.

Declan and Noah: this one's more nebulous, but the idea of being not fully real, not fully a person, and definitely the idea of not being seen. of being invisible and looked through. Noah's is because he's a literal ghost, obviously, and it's through no fault of his, but Declan has gone out of his way to cultivate that experience, to make himself as overlookable and forgettable as possible, for safety and security. but it doesn't feel good. the erosion of the sense of self as time goes on, worn down by the life they're living. and a shared understanding of being the victim of extreme violence (Noah's murder and Declan's attack by the Grey Man, at least).

Declan and Henry: the children of criminals. burdened with the knowledge of a world -- two worlds tbh, the criminal and the magical -- that they can't speak about to anyone else. socially isolated and starved for emotional connection. uncomfortably comfortable with the violence that has permeated their lives and always acting under the assumption that it can and will find them again.

Declan and the Gray Man: business is as business does and it's not personal. ✨ depression ✨ and going through the motions because this is just their life and they don't have the emotional or mental capacity right now to think of how their life might be changed. making themselves as dull as possible and then not being able to find their way out of the hole they've dug themselves, at least not until someone comes along to remind them of what it feels like to feel things.

Declan and Jordan: repression of self and lack of identity. not being allowed the space to be their own person, always forced to cram themselves into a tiny box for the sake of others. bursting at the seams with dreams that they're not allowed to chase and feelings they're not allowed to express. feeling truly seen for the first time when they meet each other.

Declan and Hennessy: being preceded by the reputation of a parent they resent. living in Niall and JH's shadows, always compared to them, even when they suspect that they may actually be better than their parents at what they do. the struggle not to let that bitterness swallow them whole before they can grow into their own reputations and make names for themselves.

Declan and Farooq-Lane: young professions who have worked very hard, thank you very much, to be as competent as they are. logical thinkers with a brewing storm of emotion that they try not to let interfere with their logical thinking because they know it makes them impulsive and they don't like that loss of control. loss of control is the enemy. they are the only grown-ups in the room and they would rather die than acknowledge that they are actually scared kids in way over their heads. both with complicated feelings about dreamers and deep-seated issues related to their dreamer brothers. also they have very similar taste in women.

honestly, the only people that Declan doesn't have common ground with is his brothers, and that's what makes his relationships with them so interesting and so fraught. there's something to be explored between Declan and Ronan wrt their suicidal ideation (though they have very different flavors of it) and perhaps with them both feeling insecure compared to each other, but so much of their conflict is about just how different their experiences and perceptions and personalities are.

and Declan being unable to relate to Matthew on a personal, empathetic level is probably part of why he finds it so hard to really think of Matthew as a fully independent PERSON in his own right. though, if Declan's experiences with the bag of Niall's memories had gone a little differently, there could have been a connection over the experience of being denied full personhood by a well-meaning but ultimately overbearing and neglectful guardian. 🤔

anyway, these have been my musings on Declan and why he continues to fascinate me. he has the range, darling.

[grison-in-space]

"that ability to just modify your perspective and step into the context someone else is wrestling with and listen, that's such an upsettingly rare skill for knowledge workers and healthcare workers... if you ask people why they're struggling, you can fix it and build a better process!"

You might be interested to know that when I was in pharmacy school, those patient interviewing skills mentioned by you and clockworkcrow in that reblog chain about provider burnout were taught to us as a set of techniques known as "motivational interviewing." It's not really in the scope of the personal vs systemic interventions that that reblog chain is about, but one of the revelational takeaways that I got from learning them was the idea that the healthcare provider cannot assume that their goals for care line up with the patient's; sometimes, the patient really doesn't care about the treatment or its outcomes because they have different goals of care in mind, and eliciting those goals during interviewing (because a lot of the time people are not at all articulate about what they want out of life) is a kind of ongoing step one.

I'm also curious if you or the MDs in this discussion have ever encountered ambulatory care pharmacists practicing the approaches that clockworkcrow talks about? I ask because listening to patients, identifying patient-specific blocks to care, and addressing them was something we were taught to do in pharmacy school (because our program pushed us toward ambulatory care). But since I didn't go into ambcare after graduating, I'm unsure both how much of an impact it has/how widespread such practices actually are, and whether ambcare practitioners actually, on the whole, put their money where the educators' mouths are. Can ambcare clinics actually make a systemic difference?

Oh! I had no idea they taught y'all those skills, but then I don't actually think I've ever had a conversation with a pharmacist about meds beyond a perfunctory question about whether I know what side effects there are. In general I am not used to pharmacists, doctors, or other medical professionals like psychiatrists taking a lot of time to really listen to me. Some of that is probably that all my main health complaints are things that feel normal to me and some is probably that I am a chronic minimizer--like I said in that discussion, it's a coping method.

I have never heard the term "ambulatory care" -- oh, it's outpatient care. Yeah, okay, let's use a specific physical issue: I can't run for more than about two to three without finding myself unable to breathe. This has been a thing for essentially my entire life, and in middle school we did running with heart monitors, so even apart from the physical experience of not being able to breathe and having to stop and take great heaving breaths of air, I was aware that objectively my heart rate was going up very fast no matter how hard I tried.

(We are talking "run until you start getting black spots in your vision, then walk until you can just barely breathe again, and then run, rinse and repeat. Literally the only kid slower than me was excused entirely from running because one leg was an inch shorter than the other.) No one around me seemed to think there was anything unusual about this or that I was anything besides just physically lazy, so I kind of wrote it off until my mid twenties. I mean, I'd been visibly struggling with extended physical exercise my whole life, and no one had called it remarkable yet, but friends were telling me it wasn't normal to experience those kinds of breathing issues, so...

I presented myself with this complaint to a nurse practitioner who basically told me I was just fat and needed to exercise more. I pushed past this and was grudgingly scheduled for an ecg (normal) and a peak flow test (astoundingly poor). There was no explanation presented for the peak flow except that I was out of shape and needed (guess what?) more exercise. Tried a pulmonologist, who confirmed it was not exercise induced asthma (which I had been sort of hoping, because there are fixes for that) and told me I was basically fine.

I more or less gave up until a dentist idly mentioned that my airway was very, very small and told me that micrognathia was something I should look into: my airways might be occluded. So I went to an ENT, who also immediately tried to tell me I was basically fine but did grudgingly agree to scope my airways... and discovered major blockages from my tongue (insufficient room in my jaw, so it gets shoved backwards over the airway), my nasal turbinates (swollen almost completely shut), and I forget what else. It was incredibly exciting to have a reason.

Okay, I say, what do I do with this? Exercise more? But I want to do that, I just can't breathe. I was aware that there is a surgery to artificially extend the jaw; it involves breaking the jaw and encouraging it to heal while maintaining space between the halves. So I brought this up. He was very dubious about this. I asked for a referral anyway and was referred to a plastic surgeon. The surgeon was perplexed by what I wanted to talk about and had clearly expected me to have come in for a cosmetic procedure like a nose job. Eventually I got too exhausted to follow up further; I've been meaning to resume this thing for like six years now.

Generally, my experience of doctors is that they have been trained to be suspicious of patient accounts that don't fit a very specific narrative, and that they are impatient to get on to the next thing unless you are very proactive about your own care. If you don't have a condition in mind that you can point them at without making them decide you're med seeking, they are quick to tell you that you are just making things up in your head. There are a few exceptions but I cannot underscore enough how rare I have found them to be.

And they will all tell you to exercise and lose weight as a first line of response. Not that I'm bitter.

Now, actually working in healthcare, @scientia-rex or @clockworkcrow might have more relevant commentaries than I do. But my experience in this field has not been, to put it mildly, great. Let's not even talk about my history of psychiatric care.

[chirpsythismorning]

It’s weird thinking about how, especially in s4, Mike has connected with Will for closure about his relationship to El, though he has never done anything in comparison to connect with El for closure about his friendship with Will??

And what I mean by that, is that Will is one of Mike's best friends and El is his girlfriend. Wouldn't he want to have deep conversations with El about all parts of his life, including his friendship with Will and the struggle they're having there?

This isn't to say that every conversation between them has to be about Will, but I would at least like for it to be close to equal? Like s3, it was as if Will did not exist in Mike and El's world beyond him being in the frame, and s4 had a similar approach... Why can't Mike even disclose to El UGH Will is being clingy or whatever, and make it clear that Will is completely platonic, for the sake of the audience at least? Instead, what we get is very very few mentions of Will at all between them. But the ones that we do get, are incriminating as hell as to why all of this might be.

S1. Pretty self explanatory what I mean by that.

There's two scenes in particular though that I want to talk about because they are direct parallels of each other.

At the end of s1, we get Mike mentioning Will specifically in his plan for the future to El. He says that she can just have his room bc he spends most of his time in his basement anyways... (*cough* Mike projected during the rain fight *cough*) And that it'll be like she is Nancy's sister...

At the end of s3, we get Mike mentioning Will specifically in his plan for the future to El AGAIN. And this is happening directly after his conversation with Will. In that conversation Will and Mike have about their own idea of the future, they do not talk about El at all and only focused on Mike's insecurity that Will might go on to find another party. Mike doesn't voice any similar concern about El moving on in his conversation with her afterwards...

And that's where Mike making any mention of Will to El, just falls off.

In s4 we get El's letter and this is probably the first time since s1 that El has acknowledged Will in reference to Mike (assuming Mike asked how the Byers were doing, seeing as most of her letter came off like she was responding to a questionnaire...)

Again this is all very very weird. These are two best friends and a boyfriend and girlfriend. Mike is being weird about these relationships co-existing at once and how the writers navigate that between those relationships makes it all start to make sense once you actually start to think about it.

And s4 is where it just gets weird... Because Mike is clearly very much struggling over the distance that has come between him and Will over the last year. On the ride home after Rink-O-Mania, they make a point to show Mike looking over at Will briefly, not El. This means that what was on his mind after all of that, was Will.

WHY is Mike not disclosing a big part of what is upsetting him, ie his relationship with Will, to El, his gf? Again, not saying it has to be a bunch of mentions, but really, NO conversation? Not even a mention?

Why is Will not mentioned AT all in their conversations, even though we know Mike is feeling a lot of emotions about Will? Because I think, if it was truly platonic, Mike would be fully capable of opening up with her about his struggles with his best friend, as a bf looking for comfort from his gf about his failing friendship.

Why didn't we get a scene of Mike separating El from everyone else back in Hawkins, saying it wasn't the same without her there? Mike literally separates Will and El saying he was worrying about her too much and felt like he lost Will as a result.......

Those types of moments should have been going to the romantic pairing, not the platonic one...

I just don't think s4 Mike would be caught dead admitting those conflicted feelings he has about Will to El. Like imagine him bringing up Will in a conversation with her? You just can't. Post s4 it's just not something you can picture without thinking oh shit oh shit. Like it's just not possible.

I do think that if it was as simple as Mike being like overwhelmed by Will's feelings or just having basic platonic qualms with his best friend, he would be fully capable about confiding in El about that. Instead Mike and El cant even have a conversation without making each other feel woefully misunderstood about where they both stand on things.

Also, if it was as simple as Mike just being scared to lose El and feeling insecure and needing his platonic best friends support, he wouldn't have needed to dance around the fact that he couldn't tell El he loved her, to Will. If they were purely platonic, he would lay it all out there, with no ambiguity, so that he could actually get closer to resolving things with El, instead of stalling, which is what he did literally all season, seeking emotional support from Will.

The point is, Mike seeks emotional support from Will, but not El. And when it matters most, he is making clear Will is always going to be involved in his picture perfect plan of the future and what he wishes for it to hold, even if he isn't certain what that will be. He wants Will there regardless.

Not having Mike have those deep moments with El, not having it be about them and only them, only for Mike to not really tell El about how he's truly feeling all around, beyond his insecurities in their relationship... says a lot about how he is probably feeling deep down but wont say out loud... (literally).

[divineerdrick]

Homestuck: Beyond Cannon January Upd8

Back to our cool boy! Look at him! Look at those buck teeth! Such serious feels~

"As a well-know bard (NOT THAT ONE) . . ." XD I don't know if they're planning on doing anything with this, but Homestuck trained me to pay attention anytime I see color, particularly colors grouped together.

Also, I'm sure I'm missing references in some of the discarded costume/fashion pieces.

Okay. Now I know you're playing on my nostalgia! A bunny in a box is just a little on the nose.

Wait . . . why did the narration slip into Vriska's quirk?

Oh . . .

Oh no . . .

Let's put a pin in that and keep reading . . .

Dammit . . . take my nostalgia and twist like that? Mean . . .

"You begin to feel some pangs of nostalgia . . ."

Hah! See! They know exactly what they're doing!

"Sheriff Dry Hops!" XD

"You have a feeling it's going to be a long day."

Okay . . . I can't decide if laying it on this thick is hilarious, annoying, or, in proper Homestuck fashion, both!

Okay. I'm not even going to point out all these call backs at this point.

Yeah, um, Harry? I really don't think you get how much of a bad idea this might be. You're lucky if all that is happening is your messages aren't getting sent.

Hmm . . . Vrissy's attitude towards Vriska is interesting. It's clear she's not enamored or hero worshipping, she still very much wants to be her own person. But she still seems to be buying into Vriska's legend quite a bit.

Actually, it's interesting the references to the legends in these conversations. It can be hard to remember, from our perspective as readers for whom these were our beloved kids, that these characters are literal gods. They are venerated and even worshipped by the people of Earth C. Even our new set of kids, who were raised by them, can't help but grow up in their shadow. I hope they play more with that and the effect it has to have had on their development.

Oh! And we have a cliffhanger. Something is glowing red and ominous and has taken the kids by surprise.

My first idea is that I'm wondering if they've met Yiffy. We still don't know much about her past, other than that she was totally not taking any of Jane's shit. She seemed relieved to see her moms, but that doesn't mean thing are hunky dory there.

What else can be on that ship? Well it's possible Jane might have made a move, and they've got foes to face. It's also possible that one of or the collective moms are very much not happy, and this is their red-hot anger. I don't think this has anything to do with Karkat, it's the wrong red.

And, of course, since it's a new team with new ideas, this could be the introduction of a new concept, character, or other plot element.

Now! Back to that pin!

So one of the themes of post canon Homestuck is controlling the narrative, often depicted literally. The Epilogues were a battle in miniature between Dead Tier Calliope and Dirk. There was also a long running, unconfirmed theory that our Calliope might have been writing, intentionally or not, the Candy Timeline.

Now Dead Tier Calliope has supposedly sealed off the Candy Timeline and trapped it within her black hole. It is, in theory, beyond the reach of anyone's influence in the Meat Timeline.

But who else has been shown previously to be able to control the narrative? Who has demonstrated the power to wrench control away from the author, even when he's trying to scorn her, and bring it back to her. Who's classpect literally describes her tendency to "steal the spotlight."

And who is now running amok in the Candy Timeline, with the impression it's a fake universe she doesn't have to care about. A universe just waiting for someone to manipulate and play with it like prey in her web.

This could be bad . . .

[fuzzydreamin]

per my Disciples Nuka World post;

no, no. please get into it. i'm working on a deep-dive into why the disciples are "like that" and i would absolutely love to hear other peoples' thoughts on them.

Well okay! Ranting under the cut!

So, the Disciples. They're boring. At first I was intrigued by them. They do look cool, and Nisha is presented as a scary character, but... we aren't shown anything to back that up in the end. There's nothing else really there. They don't really have a theme beyond being the same average boring raiders Bethesda always gives us.

I like the Operators and the Pack because they show the reasons people might turn to being raiders in a world like the wasteland. They're still bad reasons, but most reasons to be a shit person that turns harming others into their livelihood aren't going to be very good.

But we're looking at the writing of the gangs and how they justify themselves here, not whether those justifications are valid (they aren't) in any real or even fictional sense.

In the Operators case they are all about getting ahead in their endeavours. They're almost business-like, but they aren't afraid to openly take out their competition if they have to. They're the overlap between what makes a person a raider or a triggerman, with the savvy and viciousness of both, but willing to go to lengths that triggermen usually don't.

Their leadership came from the highest class society you can find in the Commonwealth: Diamond City's Upper Stands. I'd say that a lot of their members also seem to reflect this, either coming from similar lofty circumstances or wishing to climb that ladder and act the part. Systems like that inherently run on putting others below you - ruining lives either figuratively or literally. The Operators understand and embrace this. They lie, cheat, steal, blackmail, and will use sex and mind altering substances to make sure that they will get their way.

They aren't as interested in killing people so much as they are in controlling them in some way - they're the gang who is likely most favourable of slavery, as they're always looking for ways to use other people, and you can't really use a dead body for much.

They're also the gang mostly responsible for building the gauntlet. Their people are educated and skilled, value teamwork, and are cunning and intelligent, all in addition to whatever bloodlust they might have.

The Operators want control.

With the Pack their themeing is obviously being othered from society. Both the animal(furry) aspect and their cannibalism show this, with these themes being used in the usual way to symbolise a disconnect with the subject from the rest of humanity in some way.

They're people who's desires and/or view of themselves didn't fit in with the norm of society, even for the wasteland. Now of course, not everyone who fits into that would become a raider like the Pack, but this is about themes, and it's easy to fall into being the bad guy when society already treats you like one for aspects of yourself that you can't help and/or don't want to hide. Especially when you live in a place like the wasteland, where raiders are already common enough. The Pack exists to catch those who do decide to become the bad guys they're likely already viewed as, or see themselves as in some way due to the way they feel. To let them live a life with the freedoms that polite society doesn't allow.

(As a side note, I highly recommend Lola Sebastians video essay on youtube about the subject of cannibalism in media - it's just 2hrs long and very good.)

I also find it interesting that of the three groups, the Pack is the only one who has a single leader with no chain of command sitting under them. Both Mags and Nisha have a second hand, and then another person to rely on too further down the chain. The Pack only has Mason. It's clear that Mason is both brawn and brains, and none of the pack seem to defy him - at least not openly. I don't think that's an accident either. I think Mason and the Pack are running on a very 'law of the jungle' type system, where if somone were both strong and clever enough to take him out then that person would simply deserve to be leader in the eyes of Mason and the Pack. But it does bring into question what would happen if someone were to kill Mason without taking over the Pack - or taking the rest of them out like the game forces you to. It could have been interesting to see that power struggle. Oh well.

The Pack wants freedom.

So what do the Disciples want? As far as can be seen, they just want to hurt and kill people. To cut them up and make them bleed and string their bodies up as nasty, smelly decor. Just like every other bland raider we've already encountered in the Commonwealth.

They're only shown to be interested in killing. Not teamwork, not building skills, nor living by any law or code of their own besides the usual "raiders be raidering". They have no motivation or meaning. They're serial killers - just ignoring that serial killers rarely work in teams, let alone huge ones, and often still have their own motives for doing what they do. Especially in literary works. Simply saying something like "but people like that do exist in real life!" doesn't justify Bethesda's bad writing here either. This is still a story, and in 99% of stories your bad guys need a better justification than just "they're bad!" (The only time you don't is in like, a monster centric horror movie, where the monster just exists to tear the dumb victims apart for the quick amusement of the viewers. Even then, the narrative is boosted by having a monster with a reason for being the monster.)

Nisha herself is presented to us as an interesting character; she's the one who makes a warning comment to Gage upon the player being made the new overboss, which immediately puts her in a spotlight and position over the other two gang leaders by interacting with you in the story first.

We can also learn that she's the boss that Gage fears the most. But beyond her liking to cut people up, there's no real reason for her to be so scary - not in comparison to the others. A big point about Gage is that he hates to use chems or alcohol because he dislikes not being in control of himself, which would open himself up for being killed or harmed in some way. Logically this should make The Operators his biggest concern. But instead it's Nisha. The defence for this is that Nisha is meant to be very clever. We're told this. But we aren't shown it very well, if at all.

She's meant to come off smart through our conversation with her, I guess. Because talking in a sneaky manner makes a person clever to Bethesda. We also learn that despite the truce that is meant to be in place between the three gangs she still lets her people kill members of the other gangs, just so long as they don't get caught. But... they do. We can find mutliple instances of Disciples doing sloppy jobs hiding their crimes. It's not a secret they're doing it. This makes Nisha look bad, because she clearly doesn't have as much of a lid of things as she would like to claim.

It also ignores that the Operators already have 'intelligent and sneaky' covered in their own themeing. By giving these traits to Nisha too Bethesda is simply doubling up on them but without the justification to back them up for Nisha and the Disciples. It comes off like Bethesda went "Smart guys (Operators), Animalistic guys (Pack), and... uh... let's just do regular raiders but also try to make them smart too?" And it didn't work.

Hell, you can't even argue that they're at least still better than the Commonwealth gangs, because I am far more interested in the lore behind The Forged and Judges Jury than the Disciples. And that's mostly just from notes and terminal entries! They at least have reason! Culture! In the end the effort that went into the Disciples is about the same as some of the more mid Commonwealth gangs.

There could be some arguement with the fact that the Disciples are largely made up of female NPCs over males, with enough male NPCs to count on one hand, but again there's nothing actually done with that. It could have been really interesting if it was! But it wasn't! It's just a random thing you can note yourself by running around their base. It's not actually brought up at all.

Ultimately I think a lot of the Disciples and the Nuka World DLC being "like that" in general is because there were probably plans to do much more with them but Bethesda rushed it out to get it done, meaning a lot that likely had been planned got cut, leaving us with nothing but glances beyond an ultimately disappointing experience. Like they do with everything.

Maybe in another version of the DLC Nisha and the Disciples had more of a role to play which would have fleshed them out more in opposition to the other gangs, but that's not the reality we got. We got nothing.

So. Yeah. That's why the Disciples are my least favourite of the Nuka World gangs. I'd love to see your deep-dive when you get to it. Feel free to tag me!

[mariusperkins]

my favourite new-to-me movies of 2023

a few years ago my resolution was to stop just only rewatching Ocean's Eleven over and over and actually watch some of the thousand-ish movies that I say I'm going to watch and then don't, which, honestly, has been Very fun and something I highly recommend! It also means that I watch a lot of movies that aren't actually "new" (which, honestly, I also recommend).

Picking a top 20 was really hard this year (I would do top 10 but that was impossible), I watched so many movies I absolutely LOVED, and so I narrowed them down to the below using the only criteria that I think really matters when it comes to lists like this which is 1. How insane did I feel about the movie at the time, and 2. Do I still feel insane about it when I think about it now.

This list got long so to save your dash I have put it under the cut:

20. Fire of Love (2022): a documentary about the lives of two volcanologists who ultimately died together in a volcanic eruption. It's told in such a beautiful, moving way, and I've been telling everyone I know to watch it, so of course it had to make this list

19. Lady For a Day (1933): a group of loosely-socially-connected people work together to convince a wealthy man that an old impoverished apple seller is a member of high society so her daughter (who also believes her slightly-estranged mother is high society) can marry into real high society. It was literally the first movie I watched in 2023 and I truly can't think of a better way to start off a year than with a movie that is about helping other people for the sake of Just Helping Them, because we should care about other people, because what else are we on this earth for if not to help and care about other people. Also, this is one of those 1930s movies that seems wildly progressive in it's treatment of women (nobody shames Annie for having a daughter out of wedlock or anything that goes along with that, everyone wants her to be happy, and healthy, and to help her get the thing that she wants above all else: for her daughter to be happy and safe).

18. The Talk of The Town (1942): one of the many "Cary Grant's most bisexual movies" but boy howdy is it!! Cary Grant, a communist sympathiser and unionist, has to hide out at Jean Arthur's farmhouse to escape the law after being accused of a crime he didn't commit but wouldn't you know it, Jean Arthur's just rented out her farmhouse to Ronald Coleman, a judge who prides himself on his neutrality who's about to be nominated to the supreme court! Jean Arthur, thinking fast, says Cary Grant is her gardener for the farmhouse and also sets about trying to prove to Ronald Coleman that Cary Grant is innocent, Cary Grant sets about trying to radicalise Ronald Coleman before he can get to the supreme court. Ronald Coleman spends a significant amount of time playing chess with Cary Grant while the two of them speak softly to each other. Just wonderful stuff, and Jean Arthur is so beautiful that I genuinely tried to find out what her skincare regime was.

17. Beyond The Infinite Two Minutes (2020): a short (just over an hour) Japanese scifi film where a man discovers that the tv in the cafe downstairs from him and the tv in his apartment are connected, with the tv in the cafe showing two minutes into the future (of whatever is in front of the tv in his apartment). It does some really fun stuff with this time-travel adjacent concept, especially in the final "fight" sequence! It's a little hard to find (I think I might have watched it on vimeo?), but absolutely worth it.

16. White Zombie (1932): sometimes called the "first zombie movie", it's so different from what we now think of as a "zombie movie" that it feels fresh (or, at least, it did to me). A young bride is "killed" by an evil count and brought back as a zombie forced to obey his will. I found the short scene towards the end of the movie where her husband and True Love almost breaks the hold on her mind and there's a close up of her expression as it changes from wide-eyed blankness to almost a smile before she slips back under Bela Lugosi's spell to be genuinely affecting. Also, there's a scene right at the start where Bela Lugosi's eyes are superimposed over a scene that I found genuinely frightening, I was as jumpscared by those eyes as a person watching in 1932 probably was, which is always a fun feeling.

15. A New Leaf (1971): Walter Matthau, an aging, asexual bachelor is informed that he is on the brink of complete poverty and decides to find a orphaned heiress to marry (and then murder) to keep himself in his preferred lifestyle. After several unsuccessful endeavors he meets Elaine May (who also wrote and directed the movie), a weathly and extremely absent-minded botanist. Instead of killing her, he trips his way through improving both her life and himself. I was enthralled by this movie, I just want to rotate every part of it in my mind forever.

14. It's a Wonderful Knife (2023): the most recent of all the movies on this list in terms of both release date and me having watched it, this slasher retelling of 'it's a wonderful life' has it all: a Scary Slasher opening featuring a killer with a gimmick ("The Angel"), the classic bit where she wishes she'd never been born and stumbles through realising Oh No I'm In The Universe Where I've Never Been Born, the universe saving True Love of lesbians, Justin Long being a little weirdo, the bit where she runs down the street wishing everyone and everything a merry christmas. All the in-text callouts by the characters that what's happening is "just like" it's a wonderful life snowballed into a (to me) touching romantic moment ("you were my Clarence"). It all just Worked!! The perfect holiday watch.

13. Bones (2001): I love a horror movie that I've never heard of and the early 2000s is a great time period for this. 1970s Snoop Dogg (with beautiful 1970s hair!) is murdered, and his ghost comes back to get revenge on those who killed him. Features some great gross-out horror scares (the nightclub scene, especially, made me jump out of my seat and pace around). Also, a very cool, scary-looking poster!

12. Eyes Without A Face (1960): A doctor attempts to use his plastic surgery skills to "replace" his daughter's face, which has been mangled in a car accident (that he caused). I hope whoever designed the mask the daughter wears, which is a plain white 'death mask' style with only the eyes cut out, got some kind of award because it's visually striking in every scene (especially when combined with her mod/60s coat). This movie is full of the gestures towards a broader life that his daughter would have had, or the life she did have that is just enough to both paint a vivid picture and make you feel so curious that the movie would be enthralling even without the serial murder/body horror aspect. Has one of the greatest "good for HER" endings to a movie I've ever seen, which I would implore you not to spoil for yourself if you want to watch this. The version up on internet archive does have english subtitles (thank you internet archive!!).

11. Grosse Point Blank (1997): A disconnected and disaffected hit man attends his high school reunion, confronting his past (the mother that barely recognises him, the girlfriend he abandoned on prom night, the friend that never heard from him after he left town) and his present (the other hit men attempting to kill him). I feel cringe somehow for putting this on my list, I feel cringe admitting that I did feel a big Swell of emotion as John Cusack makes eye contact with a baby as the lyrics to Queen/Bowie's 'Under Pressure' swells in the background (why don't we give ourselves one more chance), I even feel a little cringe for liking something that seems like it should only appeal to Gen X's. But what is this list for if not for films that game me cringe levels of emotions?

10. Waxworks (1988): Much like the early 2000s, the 1980s are also a great decade for 'horror movies you've never heard of'. The plot summary doesn't do much to give it away: 'a group of teens go to a wax museum and get killed off one by one'. "Well, that's just house of wax", you think to yourself, "I know what to expect from this movie". It isn't, and you don't. Please don't look up scenes ahead of time, please do watch this movie!

9. Knightriders (1981): I'm a very loud member of the Movies Should Be Shorter club but this movie is over two hours and I wish it had gone on forever. Every time you think 'well that's the end of the movie' another movie arc starts, and I couldn't have been happier. It follows the "knights" (motorbike stuntmen) in an 80s renaissance fair as they travel from town to town, argue about modernising, and put on shows. Feels like you're really vibing with them under the 1980s sun. Also features a cameo of Stephen King, who eats a sandwich in a truly disgusting way.

8. House (1977): a group of teen girls go to the house of one of the girl's aunts. It's a very haunted house. The best way I can think to describe it is that it's like watching the description of a nightmare you had as a child, almost too over the top and ridiculous to be scary in an explainable way but it is still scary. I'll think about the piano sequence until the day I die.

7. They Might Be Giants (1971): A man who, after the death of his wife and his subsequent mental breakdown, believe himself to be Sherlock Holmes. His brother, who's attempting to get him committed to collect his inheritance, introduces him to a woman named Dr Watson. They run around around town as the man who believes himself to be Sherlock Holmes attempts to solve the mystery that he believes Moriarty is orchestrating, solving real problems for various people around town almost by accident. A extremely hopeful and upbeat movie with the saddest last 60 seconds to a movie I've ever seen, a very, very bittersweet love story.

6. The Palm Beach Story (1942): Claudette Colbert is deeply in love with her big rectangle of a husband Joel McCrea, but wants to divorce him because she believes that providing for her is holding him back (and he won't let her accept money from random men who want to give her money for being beautiful - a realistic thing to happen if you are Claudette Colbert imo). He's desperate to stay married to her so when she runs off to Palm Beach for a quickie 1940s divorce he follows her, but on the way she meets mega rich Rudy Vallee who falls instantly in love with her. As a complete 180 to the previous movie, this is a fun movie with the most rediculous final 60 seconds. I truly believe that your enjoyment of the movie hinges on those final moments - I, of course, loved it.

5. The Abominable Dr Phibes (1971): the king of horror Vincent Price stars as the mysterious Dr Phibes, who's out to kill a very specific set of people in various very specific ways, assisted by his beautiful and incredibly dressed assistant Vulnavia while the police unsuccessfully try to figure out what he's doing and stop him. I truly loved this movie, the mystery just silly enough, the kills just over the top enough, the elaborate sets not really trying to not look like sets and better off for it!! The sequel, in which Dr Phibes and Vulnavia travel to Egypt to resurrect Dr Phibes' wife, is also quite good!

4. Brief Encounters (1945): A man and woman, both happily (or at least contentedly) married to other people, meet and fall into a whirlwind-style love before the real world crashes back into them. Soul-obliteratingly sad, but in the way that love can be, sometimes.

3. Shocker (1989): A college student starts having visions of a serial murderer in which the murderer can see him, helps to catch the murderer... And then the movie really starts. This was going to be lower down until I realised that it's become such a reference point for me since I watched it. I wish Wes Craven would make a sequel about the protagonist's girlfriend, who, by the end of the movie, is a ghost who shares his body.

2. Wild Thing (1987): Tarzan, but if Tarzan was in 1980s New York instead of the jungle. I had such a fun time with this movie! Excellent use of 'wild thing' (the song) needle drop, which happens in conjunction with a Spiderman-style man-on-the-street interview section. To me, this one is an undiscovered gem.

1. Tampopo (1985): a woman, who isn't good at making ramen but owns a ramen shop, asks a truck driver and his friend to help her improve her cooking. He agrees, and they begin a winding journey, encountering and befriending various people to help her along the way. Tampopo is also a movie that's interested in exploring the different relationships people can have to food and the different roles it plays in society, so it's full of little tiny scenes staring all kinds of wonderful weirdos like this scene, which is one of my favourite scenes in all of cinema, of a little old woman causing chaos in a small supermarket late at night. Also, if you watch this movie: get ramen first, because otherwise you'll have to pause the movie to go and get food.

Honourable Mentions: You've Heard Of This Edition

Best movie about The Movies: Asteroid City (2023)

Best action scene that made me claw at the person next to me: Mission Impossible (Dead Reckoning Part One (2023)

Award for 'movie famous for being good that is good': RoboCop (1987)

Award for 'movie referenced as a punchline that actually has Things To Say about the treatment of houseless people to the point that I now feel like those punchlines do the movie and incredible disservice': C.H.U.D (1984)

Best rediculous stunts/scene chewing from Jake Gyllenhaal: Ambulance (2022)

Best 4th movie in a film series that was still incredible and also made me cry: John Wick Chapter 4 (2023)

Award for special effects/goo (for when you see the clones sloughing out of the pods): Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1956)

Best use of Bill Pullman as a romantic lead: While You Were Sleeping (1995)

Award for 'predator movie that is actually enjoyable to watch': Prey (2022)

Best use of cocaine as a plot device: Cocaine Bear (2023)

Honourable Mentions: Maybe You Haven't Heard Of This Edition

Best movie that is just really a series of weird little sketches: Better Off Dead (1985)

Best movie about a married couple that are horny for each other: Undercover Blues (1993)

Best use of Willem Dafoe as an ally to the protagonist: Daybreakers (2009)

Best use of a one location (and primarily one set): Welcome Back Mr McDonald (1997)

Best use of the little lock of hair that falls out of the gelled-back hairdo in a 1930s male lead: Love Is News (1937)

Best use of enemies-to-lovers: Legal Eagles (1986)

Best use of Bob Hope: Nothing but the Truth (1941)

Award for 'most people cheating on each other with everyone else' in a single movie: Dinner at Eight (1933)

Best movie involving a woman who died and then possesses another woman to get revenge on the man who killed her: Supernatural (1933)

Best use of weird masks and scary basements: Popcorn (1991)

Award for 'most 1980s tropes in a 1930s movie': The Old Dark House (1932)

Best underutilised setting for a horror movie: Intruder (1989)

Best movie that you truly can't believe got made and released: Roar (1981)

Best performance of an actor pretending to be a robot: Deadly Friend (1986)

Best 1930s 'extremely wealthy old man and poor fast talking woman best friendship' in a movie: Easy Living (1937)

Best early 2000s thriller you haven't heard of/best Emily Blunt performance: Wind Chill (2007)

Best use of 1940s tropes and jokes in a hallmark movie: A Biltmore Christmas (2023)

Best use of best friends in a noir movie: The Gun for Hire (1942)

Best netflix movie that netflix inexplicably didn't bother promoting: They Cloned Tyrone (2023)

Best Dylan O'Brien performance: The Outfit (2022)

Best slimy little weasel performance: Cure For Wellness (2016)

Best use of time travel to a Very specific but not well-known historical event: Timeline (2003)

Award for most specific accident in a horror movie that required a transplant: Mad Love (1935)

[recitedemise]

So, to experiment, I did the sacrifice ending for my origin!Gale run, and I never saw the scene explored or, well, even posted before. It offered quite a few things to think about, namely Gale's place in the afterlife and what path should lay before him.

I have so many thoughts surrounding this. Canonically, by being shown love, being shown that people care for him, that this friends hold him in high esteem simply for being the man he is, Gale would never sacrifice himself simply for Mystra's forgiveness. In fact, as I mentioned earlier on this blog and as reflected through my canon interpretation, Gale comes to battle this war within himself, for SELF forgiveness, for redemption, for understanding his value as a person, and makes it out all the better. He DOES not choose the sacrifice ending. He chooses to fight and live.

But in this angle, I like to believe, perhaps at first he might have considered sacrifice for Mystra, but in time, he realized very much what she asked of him was simply too much, too unfair, too cruel. Moreover, that choice of self-sacrifice was made as Gale thought it most logical. He looked upon the Netherbrain, saw his friends so weary, the city and the world so under duress, so battered, and thought, what is my life in exchange for everyone else's? Gale battles a lot with self worth issues, and he hides this behind a wall where he rationalizes his death in the context of sparing the heartache of those he cares for most.

This line is an interesting line. Mystra having already plucked Gale's thread from the tapestry of fate... as in, remove his essence altogether? I recall a line where Gale, if romanced and sacrificed, would say something along the lines of lingering there, there in the Weave to watch over them until the last sundering of the stars--or something to that effect. This line from Withers could be literal in that Mystra's ultimatum ultimately led to Gale removing himself from the physical world, but I can't help but to wonder if she, too, would have 'plucked his thread' from the Weave itself as well, ergo erasing the very last parts of him. Mystra doesn't strike me as particularly malicious. Absolutely cold, absolutely toxic, and absolutely callous, yes, but after promising him redemption, to but erase the lest vestiges of his Weave would seem quite the insult to injury. So, I don't believe that's the implication, BUT. It is a thought.

Another interesting line. Gale's life in his death has only just begun. I haven't yet looked into much of the afterlife in Forgotten Realms lore, but this could be something to look into. What could Gale achieve in death?

If anyone could achieve anything, even here, I wager it'd be Gale.

But what could the implication be? While Withers says this, however... the pain on Gale's face. The way he lost everything. Be that as it may, this potential for a different role or not, the idea that death is not the end is one he finds extraordinarily difficult to accept quite yet. Regardless, Gale remains very much like ambition itself, still a man with drive, dreams, desires, even there as he wades in the cold chasm of the afterlife. If there is something to be done, to achieve, to twist and make malleable in his hands, he will find a way. He cares so much for his friends, those he has left behind, those he couldn't properly say goodbye to--Gale, even here, would not content himself to simply lay and have his memory waste to the passing of the seasons. He will ease their path. He will do as best he can to protect them even with this infinite veil between them. He will long to touch them, hear them, laugh with then, but he will have to make peace that that is simply not his domain anymore. Perhaps, if yet intermingled with the Weave, he can feel the pulls of those spellcasters in the party, feel them like song, even all the way beyond. Or, perhaps, as my head likes to twist around, he does dabble more seriously in those pulls of necromancy, some sort of vessel of death, though perhaps a white one, not bitter, not angry, simply the cold touch of it, present and constant and there to lend aid when possible.

Gosh, Gale........... This was painful.

[haleigh-sloth]

As a fan of Enji's character, it's almost weird for me seeing ppl want him easily find out how to atone when the point of the chara is how he is a huge fuckup lol. Every thing he did since the Dabi reveal is 100% IC and it is supposed to be frustrating (the shame to the point of avoidance etc). If he made sound and logical perfect choices on what to do or say etc, what's the point and the rest of the family wouldn't be needed (and he wouldn't have abused them in the first place). In fact I am genuinely impressed that HK actually meant it when he had Shouto say "let's all stop Touya together". I didn't think Rei Fuyumi Natsu would be assertive and actually involved to such an extent (I just thought they'd be under attack, not that they would rush to Touya!). Victims taking back power in the family narrative is very fitting imo. Enji held power for a long time so if he kept doing just that it'd have been weird so it's nice that he is humbled at every turn over and over again by the rest of his family.

I agree with everything here

I see both sides.

On one hand--Endeavor DOES need to make progress in his thinking, his actions, what he perceives as what he needs to do in general for his family.

At the same time--Endeavor should not get the satisfaction and narrative glory of saving everyone in his family--EVEN IF THAT'S WHAT HE WANTS.

The way I look at 387 is that Endeavor wanted exactly that. He wanted to save his family, everyone in it, including Touya. He even said it at the beginning of 387--he doesn't want Touya to die.

Finally!! We're here!! Not that he ever wanted Touya to die or anything--but he's finally just looking at his son and paying attention to him!! However, this is Endeavor we're talking about. It can't just be laid out for him to do everything perfectly because, well, he doesn't deserve to just get what he wants that easy and be the hero of the family.

A lot of people point out how he views both Touya and himself beyond help. And to me, that's spot on when it comes to making sure Endeavor doesn't get everything he wants by his own hand. He wants the right things, but he doesn't think it's possible because of his own pitiful man pain and the state Touya is currently in.

Letting those things overshadow what he really wants is what separates him from the kid heroes, who don't let things keep them down. And in the cases where their hopelessness gets the best of them, they are able to get right back up.

Look at freaking Shouto who is what, 7 hours away?? By car??? From his family??? If anyone had a reason to feel hopeless about the situation and put his attention elsewhere, it's him. But after All Might lifted him up he pulled it together and kept going. Enji could never, honestly.

Like...to me it was a great way to show that yes, Endeavor finally gets it. He not only fully understands that he ruined everything, he finally gets HOW he ruined everything, with Touya specifically. That's good! But he also is picking suicide over....I mean literally everything else. Do I see why his character made that choice? Yes. Doesn't mean it was right, but I get it, and I don't think getting legit mad at his character makes ANY SENSE. Everything that happened, to me, fits.

There's a reason the story didn't let him get away with that decision, which I think is what made that whole sequence so awesomely executed.

[see-arcane]

I might have pitied this deformed woman

With all due respect ACD why is everyone calling someone with a limp deformed... Also to be honest I would have felt more horror from the story if Gilroy found her attractive and/or charming and enjoyed her company and work relationship but also did not love her for whatever (non-physical) reason, because then there could have been a potential inner conflict and guilt, instead of ''this is out of my hands she is icky-looking and a crone (Gilroy you are 35) so I have no self-doubts about being in love involved on top of it all yay''. Having him vehemently dislike her all the time minus during hypnosis removes those layers.

It isn't 'everyone' in the story who calls her deformed, though. It's just Gilroy. No one else is mentioned deriding her for her disability or her looks or anything else beyond Penelosa's talent.

Considering ACD's comparatively progressive track record with the Sherlock Holmes stories--a series notable for how often it takes the side of oppressed parties, including abused or preyed-upon women--I can't see Gilroy's ageist and ableist views as anything but an intentional setup for the narrative payoff of his disgust as well as his anger and fear.

The story does feel slightly karmic at the start and, to give ACD the benefit of the doubt, I agree with you that having Penelosa not be an attractive hypno-dominatrix likely played a part in Gilroy's initial revulsion at her controlling him into playing paramour. I think this was intentional for the character's buildup, but also for the audience's. Even in the present day, there's no ignoring that there are demographics out there who are Highly Interested in the erotic implications of hypnosis. BDSM for the brain, puppet master kinks, et cetera.

If Miss Penelosa had been hot, or even just pretty, I wouldn't have been surprised if the horror story ACD was trying to put together would lose much of its punch in his era's audience. Sure, it's still icky that Gilroy's a man being Controlled By a Woman (!!!), but having her be attractive would 'soften' it for them. Still, all this is only in play if ACD was really truly adamant about selling the horror of 'A Stranger Now Owns My Free Will and Is Planning to Violate My Life in Intimate Ways.'

It could also have just been intended as an eerie scientific*** what-if adventure applied to a then-popular (and wildly overestimated) practice of the time. Or maybe he meant it as a straight-up supernatural escapade in the vein of vampiric mesmerism from a psychic monster. I don't know, I can't ask him.

All of that said, the horror is soured a bit by Gilroy being a haughty skeptic snob who had some comeuppance heading his way in the first place. Similar setups are common in horror flicks today, where we get to cheer at least once in a movie when the Big Villain takes down a more commonplace bad guy. There's no scare there, just vindication.

And me being me, that's not enough. Because I am all about two things.

One, adding more horror to everything, always, forever.

Two, making life harder for Jonathan Harker.

Jonathan 'Holiest Love means I Will Walk Backwards into Hell to Protect/Stay with My Wife Whether She's Mortal or a Literal Monster' Harker is not about to shit on anyone for a bad leg or some crow's feet.

More importantly, we've already seen his reaction to sexy sexy undead ladies trying to hypnotize him into compliance so they can take certain bloody/eternally conscripting liberties with him.

To judge by the 1000+ Dracula adaptations that show the directors' fetishes in full view, Jonathan being preyed on by the hot vampire Brides is seen by many people as...you know. Hot. Enough to rewrite and bastardize his character every time to make him seem like he was genuinely tempted by them.

But He Was Not.

He was being hypnotized into artificial attraction and paralysis so the ladies could take their turns with him without his fighting back or trying to run. Which he does later! More than once! Every time this voluptuous trio tries to hypnotize or corner him again, Jonathan catches on and sprints in the other direction. He is not into that shit no matter how pretty you are, ladies.

Specifically because, as I and Bramothy Stoker cannot stress enough, Jonathan Harker is strictly Minasexual. All Mina all the time. 24/7 Mina lockdown 365 days of the year. Mina, Mina, Mina. Mina? Mina. (I personally headcanon him as demisexual with shades of biromanticism and ace, but that's beside the point.)

The point is, even if Penelosa was a knockout, Jonathan wouldn't notice. He wouldn't care. Just as his love would not have been stopped by Mina turning into an actual monster; he would rather be damned and in love than slay her and be holy. You can bet your ass if Mina suddenly had a handicap he'd still be enraptured with her to the point of blasphemy. You know he's going to still be heart-eyed as they grow older. Jonathan Harker is made of unconditional and extremely focused love. It is all-encompassing and yet it belongs to a single person. It's the kind of love we all wish we had for ourselves.

It's the kind of love that someone like Penelosa--who latched onto a random handsome prick of a professor after she had known him LESS THAN AN HOUR and started plotting to groom him into her personal Ken doll--would do anything to have for herself; Jonathan Harker, the true Prince Charming, the gallant beloved, the guileless charmer who holds the One He Loves above himself, above God and Devil and the world itself...being wasted on some pretty young thing who hardly needs such a treasure.

It isn't fair. Mrs. Harker will never appreciate dear Jonathan like other, more deserving women would. Not like her. She would show him. Help him through the motions until he learned better; learned to love in the right direction.

Her direction.

Only if given the opportunity, of course.

(👁)

In short, yeah, Gilroy was not the best option for a sympathetic horror story protagonist who we could feel real fear and empathy for. We only really get a glimpse of that toward the end, when Penelosa escalates enough to start injuring innocents and tries to make Gilroy throw acid in his fiancée's face. A big scary leap, but also too late in the game for a proper punch. Especially with the abrupt copout of the ending. Bleh.

I think we can do better than that. Say, with a protagonist who can balance on the pro-and-con line of keeping the supernatural puppet master of their life happy enough to not act rashly, who knows the value of dancing on eggshells in a tight spot, who could tug the heartstrings of villain and audience just enough to let fuller and far more frightening machinations come to light as time goes by.

Especially with certain other powers lurking in the shadows, which might make a trifle like death a far less permanent end to their ~romance~ than it ought to be.

Don't you agree, Mr. Harker? ❤

P.S. Gilroy's still absolutely getting his ass handed to him in this take, don't you worry. He's been demoted from crush to chew toy to minion. RIP sir, but you're not off the hook just because Jonathan's distracting her with his dreaminess. Get to work.

[acourtofthought]

You Can Never Have Too Many Posts on That Bonus Chapter

“Are you out of your mind?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about”

🧊🧊🧊🧊🧊🧊🧊🧊🧊🧊🧊🧊🧊🧊🧊🧊🧊

“I’m talking about you, about to kiss Elain, in the middle of a hall where anyone could see you, including her mate.”

“What if the Cauldron was wrong?”

🧊🧊🧊🧊🧊🧊🧊🧊🧊🧊🧊🧊🧊🧊🧊🧊🧊

“What of Mor, Az”

Azriel ignored the question.  “The Cauldron chose three sisters.  Tell me how it’s possible that my two brothers are with two of those sisters yet the third was given to another?”

🧊🧊🧊🧊🧊🧊🧊🧊🧊🧊🧊🧊🧊🧊🧊🧊🧊

“You believe you deserve to be her mate?”

“I think Lucien will never be good enough for her and she has no interest in her anyway.”

🧊🧊🧊🧊🧊🧊🧊🧊🧊🧊🧊🧊🧊🧊🧊🧊🧊

“So you’ll what?  Seduce her away from him?”

Azriel said nothing.  He hadn’t gotten that far with his planning, certainly not beyond the fantasies he pleasured himself to.”

Seriously, did Azriel give Rhys a single direct answer to ANY of the questions he asked?  This was his formula:

Feign ignorance.

Answer his question with a different question.

Ignore the question. 

Deflect the question with a different statement.

Ignore the question.

It’s like talking a parent trying to talk to a angry 15 year old boy caught doing something wrong.  This conversation is so extremely concerning yet there are still those who claim that it’s romantic.  

Also, Az knows he doesn’t have a mating bond with Elain and that she has one with Lucien.  That’s not something that he can change and honestly the fact that he’s wasting time wishing it would change means he’s saying, “I may have feelings for Elain but those feelings are not enough on their own because I still wish she were my mate”.  It would be like my saying, “I have feelings for this guy but I’m a little upset that he’s not a doctor because my sisters are both married to doctors”.  😬  It sort of cheapens the romance there, doesn’t it?

Elain and Az haven't even discussed a relationship together yet Az is already wishing for more than she will ever be able to give him by asking "what if the Cauldron was wrong". Chances are the Cauldron wasn't wrong so now what Az? The Cauldron was right, Elain and Lucien are in fact mates, so what's your next step? (pretty sure he hasn't gotten that far with his planning). The only thing he's concerned about is that he wasn't given a bond and that's as far as his thoughts have gone.

Say Elain suddenly becomes Azriel's Mate, doesn't it seem like rewarding a child for bad behavior? "Here Az, you weren't happy to love Elain as an individual despite her having a bond with someone else since the bond was the only thing you could focus on so I'll be sure to give in to your pouting and tantrums by making her your Mate instead!

I’m not faulting Az for wanting a Mate.  When a matched bond is a sacred thing, who wouldn’t want that?  But he knows Elain is not his mate and cannot be his Mate since the ACOTAR characters haven't spoken of the possibility of two bonds. Yet he is still fixated on it. He and Elain are not together, they’re not dating, he literally tells us he’s been avoiding her so they haven’t spent any real time with one another, they haven’t confessed anything other than the obvious clue that they shared a physical attraction, he hasn’t asked Elain to have a discussion with Lucien about her bond with him so Az and Elain can go public with their relationship after going about it the right way, and a BOND is the thing Azriel is fixated on. It makes his intentions completely insincere and his emotions for her extremely shallow.  There are a million other things that should be addressed first, other steps to focus on in order for them to be together (since as far as he knows, he can't change the Cauldron) yet Azriel has not given those things any thought beyond his sexual fantasies that exist in the dead of night.

His thought process should have been:

I think I might like Elain.

If we had a bond together, this would be easier.

But we don't, so what can we do to try and be together anyway?

I need to first talk to Elain and see if she's willing to reject her bond with Lucien.

She needs to then talk to Lucien.

She and I are then free to love one another out in the open and share that love with our friends and family.

What number is Az stuck on again? That's right, number 2. And none of the above even accounts for the fact that he's not completely over Mor. For arguments sake I've taken her out of the equation, yet Az still is not focused on the right things if he had the feelings for Elain that E/riels claim he has.