#figuring out ways to describe how my sister and I are similar and different was interesting and fun

[novafire-is-thinking]

orchid ⇢ what’s a song you consider to be perfect?

abelia ⇢ do you have a particular piece of jewelry you always wear or can’t part with?

daffodil ⇢ do you have siblings? if yes, in what ways do you think you’re similar to or different from them?

aloe vera ⇢ what’s something (mundane) you really want to experience in life?

nutmeg ⇢ how’s your room/home decorated? do you have a specific theme or style going on?

papyrus ⇢ if you put your ‘on repeat’ playlist on shuffle, what’s the first song that comes up? what do you like about it / associate it with?

(for this ask meme)

orchid

I’m gonna go with another Caleb Etheridge song I adore:

Caelestis (Spotify | YouTube)

The name. The vibes. Everything.

abelia

Not really. I rarely wear jewelry of any kind because I’m particularly sensitive to how it feels on my skin. The few pieces I do have are worn based on what I think looks best with my outfits, so if I suddenly lost all of them in a fire or flood, I would hardly notice they’re gone.

daffodil

I have one younger sister. While we’ve often been perceived as near opposites, I’ve come to see how we’re similar, but with very different approaches to the same things.

We’re both stubborn, but I can be reasoned with more easily.

We both react unfavorably when things change suddenly, but she gets louder while I go silent.

We’re both conflict-avoidant, but she’s more likely to speak her mind anyway.

She’s more of a fighter, but I’m more intense.

She’s quicker to take action, but I’m more decisive and self-assured.

She’s better at interacting with people, but I’m better at capturing an audience.

She’s grounded and present while I’m lost in my head.

She treasures the past and appreciates what is, while I value the future and struggle to be content with anything.

She’s meadows of wildflowers, turbulent ocean waves, and fairy lights, while I’m constellations, thunderstorms, and books with gold tooled covers.

…and so many more differences I could come up with.

aloe vera

I can’t think of any more mundane things, so I’ll go with something else:

I’d love to own a motorcycle someday—electric is preferred, since it looks more Cybertronian. lol

nutmeg

For all that I love interior design, my actual room and living spaces are in total disarray. I lack the resources and motivation to decorate the way I want to, but I know exactly which theme(s) I’d go with. I’m not sure how to describe it… However, I will say I have expensive tastes and am quite proud of that fact.

papyrus

Last Breath by J.T. Peterson (Spotify | YouTube)

This one’s been on rotation in my dishwashing playlist for a little while now.

It also happens to be one of the songs in my TFP Optimus playlist. It makes me think of him because he fought for peace and unity for Cybertron and humanity until his very last breath, figuratively speaking.

[be-the-glenn-to-my-maggie]

The fact that nobody has thought of a fastfood au where Spider is this neglected teenager working at McDonald's so that he can save up to like move out and get away from Qauritch (he's so desperate to get out that college isn't even on his radar atm) and Neteyam is this popular boy at their school who's is a year younger than him and comes in to McDonald's with his little sister frequently and Spider doesn't think he even knows his name but one day on their way out Neteyam turns to him and says "have a good day Spider" or some shit like that and the romance only grows from there with Neteyam figuring out his problems and trying to help him/get him into a good collage and I mean honestly people the fic just writes itself.

UGH I LOVE IT, I am simply shocked no one has written me personally a nocorro fic yet. A nice long one with all the pain and drama we've been describing but I want the COMFORT TOO PLEASE.

But anyways, you've brought up something I've been mulling over for a while now for one of my headcanon posts. Part of Neteyam's pressure and expectations come from him being the next Olo'eyktan. I can't figure out how to translate this into a modern au. Most of the time it'd be easy to make him the heir to a big company or the son of a politician in a weird Young Royals way, but clown couple Jake and Neytiri Sully simply do NOT have the vibes for that, nor does it fit their characters. I've thought about maybe Neytiri's family running a large non-profit that Neteyam is somewhat expected to take over, or perhaps something like the free clinic in my other au.

Either way, the reason I bring it up is because I love the idea of them both having similar but fundamentally different problems to bond over. This is what I mean, bear with me:

-Spider works at McDonalds to save money like you said. He's barely got any friends because he just moved there from another one of his dads deployments, and he's so busy picking up every possible shift he can that he can. He needs the money. He opens before school and closes most nights.

-Neteyam picks up Tuk from ballet practice at night on Wednesday's, because it is his parents Date Night. He gets his sister McDonalds one night because he stayed up way too late studying for an exam last night and he's far too tired to cook. The drive through is manned by the prettiest boy ever.

-By the third Wednesday Tuk is suspicious, but he keeps buying her McDonalds as a bribe to keep her mouth SHUT about it. At least, she keeps her mouth shut to the family. She won't stop talking to him about it. It's always "Neteyam, did you see McDonalds Guy today? I think he goes to your school, he has to. Neteyam, if we go to McDonalds tomorrow will he be there too? Does he only work Wednesdays?" She's like his inner thoughts because he wants to know all those things too.

-I mean, it's only a matter of time before Tuk opens her big fat mouth TO Spider. She rattles off personal questions like she's the goddamn census, and Neteyam wants to die.

-But, he learns quickly that Spider is a military brat and he wants nothing more than not to be in the military. It sparks something for Neteyam, because he wants nothing more than to be like his parents, and do what they do and do it just as well. It's the same sort of long shadow, just a different tactic for getting out from under it.

-Tuk is sick the next Wednesday mysteriously, but Neteyam is still craving McDonalds.

-It becomes a regular thing, but not on Wednesdays. Wednesdays he starts sometimes bringing Tuk home for a regular adult meal. But Thursday's he spends at McDonalds, and he brings Spider real food in Tupperware containers marked with the name Sully like Spider has other Tupperware to mix it up with.

-Somehow it becomes almost every night. Doing his homework in a booth, Spider joining him when he's free, sliding in and out. Neteyam's full attention on him every time he has a free second.

-One night Neteyam invites him over. Neteyam stayed until closing time and suddenly can't bear the thought of Spider going home, to no one if he's lucky and his dad if he isn't. Spider refuses and after that they don't speak for a couple days, silence in the booth. No one says anything but Neteyam still shows and brings Tupperware, and Spider still slides in to join him when he has a free moment.

-Eventually Spider agrees, and Neteyam is forced to show up at close to nine pm with a stranger that he has never mentioned but Tuk is DELIGHTED to see.

-Jake and Neytiri are confused but can recognize a tired, fairly neglected kid when they see one so they offer up the basement couch with no fanfare at all.

-Neteyam is slightly peeved because he was going to have Spider share his bed, it's a king it's plenty big enough, but Neytiri wasn't born yesterday lol. Even Jake is like nah nah, you've been gay since we watched the first Percy Jackson movie kid. Go have a sleepover with Tsireya or something.

-I think Jake Sully has a fairly excellent gaydar, honed from time in the military. You gotta know which guys to fuck. @dinas-bracelet this is the bi Jake Sully agenda.

This is a bonus because this is already FAR too long:

-Neteyam gets increasingly exasperated because no matter how many nights Spider is there or how long into their relationship it gets, Spider downright refuses to move from the basement couch. He will cling to it like a cat if Neteyam tries to move him. He goes boneless and becomes a dead weight.

-Finally Neteyam just sleeps down there one night. This concept has clearly never occured to Spider, who upon realizing there is no moving Neteyam (he can go boneless too, damnit), lays there stiff as a board mummy-wrapped in blankets to keep Neteyam's hands off of him. When he falls asleep though, Neteyam gets in there. Spider is unconsciously tactile, and basically spoons him the entire night.

-The next morning Neytiri walks into the basement to check that Spider is awake for work, turns around and goes back to the top of the stairs, and then walks down again really loudly to alert them to her presence.

[cienie-isengardu]

[MK1] Bi-Han & Kuai Liang. Good brother? Evil brother? Nah, just different reactions to trauma, part 4

part 1, part 2, part 3

Sources provided a clear difference how brothers felt about their father. For Kuai Liang, the man was a cherished parent AND authority figure he built his life around. For Bi-Han, father (and mimicking him grieving Scorpion) was a source of frustration and limitation he did not agree with. Bi-Han and Tomas definitely had a more complex relationship with their father than Kuai Liang did.

So far, we got only little bits in regard to mother and her influences on brothers and Lin Kuei politics but enough to see how Sub-Zero and Scorpion’s relationship with her differ from how they felt about father.

Before I will dwell on those relationships I would like to point out a small detail noticed during my research: so far there is no direct mention that the mother was in fact a wife of Grandmaster. She is either referred to as a mother or parent - which makes sense, because her importance is related to the brothers, not to their father, so it would be weird if Bi-Han, Tomas or Kuai Liang talked about her as the “wife of Grandmaster”. At the same time, the lack of implication of marriage bond between mother and father[1] and how she is refered feels similar to the obscure reference from original timeline:

Born in America, Sub-Zero was the oldest of three children, which included a brother and sister. Their mother wanted a normal life for her sons, who had already been chosen by the Lin Kuei to become warriors for the clan. She tried in vein to hide them from their father whose own life in America was only a cover for his true identity and purpose. Eventually they were found and their father returned with them to his homeland. Their mother and sister were never seen or heard from again. (x)

Due to this, I decided to not describe her as the wife or supposed wife of Grandmaster and stick just to provided by sources terms of mother, parent and Lin Kuei fighter - so in advance sorry for repetition of those words. At the same time, this specific way of including the mother in Bi-Han, Tomas and Kuai Liang’s story creates a possibility of a more complicated family relationship, both between brothers and their parents or between the mother and father alone. And as a result the whole Lin Kuei inner politics, as we already have a hint of its complexity due to Cyrax and Sektor's loyalty to Sub-Zero threatening Kuai Liang’s birthright to the title of Grandmaster.  Keeping it in mind, here are some of my thoughts and conclusions about the mother and her sons. 

Let’s start with Kuai Liang. There is no doubt he respected and deeply cared for father’s teaching. As I hopefully proved in the previous part, there is a solid reason to think that the loss of a cherished parent affected Scorpion to the point that grief influenced his behavior (mimicking father) and in result, relationship with brothers (barely talking with them if it didn’t involve father or tradition up to Sub-Zero’s betrayal). He expressed a burning anger at Bi-Han for letting their father die.

Kuai Liang doesn’t seem to have the same emotional bond with mother. 

Sindel: Both your parents were excellent fighters. Scorpion: I can only hope to live up to their example.

Like yes, he will acknowledge Sindel’s opinion and hope to be good as his parents but that is like the only one time we hear him saying anything about mother - and even then, she is mentioned alongside the cherished father. 

Mind you, this is solely my impression, but this intro reminds me of film scenes in which a character is told by others about a parent they had never had the chance to meet or know too well. It may be a wrong impression, but there is something about Kuai Liang’s response that makes me wonder how old he was when mother died and if he lost a parent at a young age, did it fuel his deep dedication to father as there was no other authority figure to influence him as a person?

Granted, both Kuai Liang and Bi-Han never bring mother first in their intro dialogues - what A) says a lot about their upbringing and B) differs from some mentions of father. But in Scorpion’s intro there is hardly anything truly personal about his bond with mother, or her personal feelings on Lin Kuei duty, especially when compared to those focused on the previous Grandmaster.

In contrast, we have interaction between Tomas and Bi-Han:

Smoke: If Mother were alive -- Sub-Zero: She would applaud my actions.

Tomas and Bi-Han may have a different idea of how mother would react to their brotherly conflict, but both talk about her in a more personal way. Tomas invokes her the same way he brings father into discussion:

story mode: "Were he here, Father would advise us to wait without protest."

or

Sub-Zero: You were never truly one of us. Smoke: Were Father here, he would disagree.

So we can assume mother had an impact on Tomas as he respected her as an authority figure similar to father. Alternatively, he thinks Bi-Han is more likely to listen about mother than anything he will say about their father. 

The letter part would be an interesting parallel between Tomas and Bi-Han, because Smoke himself is implied to grow up without a father or not being close to his biological parent - when talking about his original family Smoke directly mentioned so far only mother and his twin sister.

Also, the same as happened with father in intro dialogues, Kuai Liang and Tomas do not talk about their Lin Kuei mother. Scorpion claimed that Tomas never mention his biological mother and sister:

Scorpion: You never speak of your mother and sister. Smoke: Their ghosts no longer haunt me, Kuai Liang.

but as the other intro dialogues proved, Tomas does talk about them directly and indirectly with some characters, 

like Kitana,

Smoke: My sister was my twin. Kitana: How it must have hurt to lose her.

Tanya (priestess warrior) 

Smoke: After losing my family, I lost my faith. Tanya: It's the only thing that can sustain you, Tomas.

and Liu Kang (Fire Lord who may be responsible for their death)

Liu Kang: I cannot bring back your family, Tomas. Smoke: You can't or you won't?

Like I said before, it is impossible to tell for sure about which mother, biological or adoptive, Smoke was speaking, but as he claimed Li Mei resemble him mother

Li Mei: I remind you of your mother? Smoke: No-nonsense and tough as nails, just like her.

I personally assume he meant the adoptive one, as according to Smoke’s ending he lived with the Lin Kuei family for around 15 years. Logically thinking he would have more clear memories of her than about the biological parent he lost in childhood. We of course have no idea when - and how - his Lin Kuei mother died, but if I’m right in my assumption, then Tomas is providing vital insight into what kind of person she was. As Tomas said, a tough and no-nonsense woman and that fits perfectly the image of an excellent Lin Kuei fighter, because frankly, Bi-Han and Kuai Liang easily fit that description too. As presumably, the majority of Lin Kuei warriors. 

Another thing to note, the adoptive mother is not identified by Tomas with kindness, comfort or warmth or anything most people usually associate mothers with. This of course does not mean his adoptive mother didn’t love him or was a bad parent but may give us an idea what it felt to grow up in a clan primarily focused on training warriors. A purpose that definitely affected how people interacted with each other and what was expected from children. 

However the most interesting thing about Tomas considering Li Mei to be similar to adoptive mother is the fact that from all possible female fighters, he identifies mother with a woman forced into and shaped by Umgadi system of servitude but who found her true purpose outside said system. 

Kitana: Resuming your old role is a waste of material. Li Mei: Being First Constable is my first, best destiny.

or

Liu Kang: I hear the Umgadi want you back. Li Mei: I prefer to remain First Constable.

And this finally led me to the eldest brother and Sub-Zero’s statement that mother “would applaud me”.

Bi-Han outright claims mother would be proud of him and logically thinking, supportive of his choices. Which is a drastic contrast to how he perceives father as he did call the man a fool that doomed Lin Kuei.

And here comes an important thing: though sources barely provide us an idea who Bi-Han’s mother was in original timeline - a Lin Kuei herself who knew what lay ahead of her sons already chosen by the clan or just a woman that was unlucky to meet and have three children with an assassin working undercover in America - she was literally the only person that tried to give Bi-Han and Kuai Liang a normal, safe life. This woman, whoever she was, challenged a powerful assassin clan to save her two sons and daughter and was presumably killed alongside the daughter by Bi-Han’s father. This definitely affected Bi-Han’s worldview and interestingly, the sources have never implied Sub-Zero had any strong emotional ties with his father. 

Mythologies Sub-Zero’s backstory mentions only Bi-Han and Kuai Liang being kidnapped against mother’s will, that cryomancy was passed down to Bi-Han from father, that he took his place and mantle when the man died and that is basically all we know about their relationship. 

Between brothers, it is always Kuai Liang to mention other male members of their family with respect, as can be seen with new timeline Scorpion and alternative timeline Kuai Liang:

Sub-Zero: I disown you in every way. Noob Saibot: Then disown my name, 'Sub-Zero'. Sub-Zero: The name was Grandfather's first.

and

Sub-Zero: Grandfather? Sub-Zero: Defeat me to earn my mantle. Sub-Zero: You honor me with your kombat.

despite the possibility that said Grandfather may be the one that kidnapped brothers to enroll them into the Lin Kuei clan, while Bi-Han as a Noob Saibot was the one bringing their mother, even if just to be sarcastic/ironic:

Noob Saibot: You disappoint me. Sub-Zero: The feeling is mutual, brother. Noob Saibot: Mother would be so proud.

and on two separate occasions talked to Jacqui about her mom that passed shortly before MK11’s events:

Noob Saibot: Vera's soul calls you. Jacqui: Keep mama's name out your mouth, Revenant! Noob Saibot: Revenant? I am Wraith!

and

Noob Saibot: Return to your mother's arms. Jacqui: She's dead, asshole. Noob Saibot: And her soul is mine.

and isn’t it a surprisingly similar thing to current timeline Bi-Han talking to Kitana and Mileena about their dead mother?

And yes, Liu Kang’s timeline is a fresh start and a lot of things have changed but some elements seem to repeat themselves, whether the Keeper of Time agrees with it or not. Which is why I think mother - and her fate - again deeply influenced Bi-Han, the same as he was influenced in the original timeline by her desperate attempt to save him and Kuai Liang from Lin Kuei bondage. 

Bi-Han claimed mother would applaud his action, so she may herself feel resentment for Grandmaster’s idea of tradition and duty to Earthrealm and that resentment was passed down to her eldest son. Alternatively, it was her death that made Sub-Zero question both the nature of the relationship between Lin Kuei and Fire Lord and his father’s wisdom.

This leads me to another detail that may not be intentional on NRS’s part but it is repeated through the sources. The same as mother is never said to be the wife of Grandmaster - what admittedly is the most logical assumption for a traditional (patriarchal) clan as a way to secure the line of legal heir from proper marriage  - the decision of adopting Tomas was made solely by Grandmaster. And so we have:

Smoke’s bio: As a boy, Smoke lived to hunt with his family. Their final hunt, however, ended in tragedy. Having accidentally trespassed onto Lin Kuei lands, they were attacked. Smoke was orphaned. Ashamed by his warriors' actions, the Lin Kuei's Grandmaster adopted Smoke. He raised him alongside his sons, Sub-Zero and Scorpion.

and

Kitana: You are Kuai Liang's adopted brother? Smoke: His father's honor demanded that he take me in.

and

Reptile: Lucky for you, Kuai Liang's father took you in. Smoke: It didn't feel that way at the time.

or

Bi-Han, story mode: Mind your place, Tomas. Father may have taken you in, made you one of us… but your blood will never be Lin Kuei.

As I talked before about Bi-Han and Tomas forced brotherhood on different occasion it struck me how the adoption resolved mainly around father’s selfish reasons like saving his honor and erasing the feeling of guilt rather the boy’s safety and emotional health. There is something truly disturbing about forcing a child to be part of clan that murdered his family over a trivial matter. But there is also something disturbing about how the mother had no say in the adoption of Tomas, as there isn’t any hint the man consulted that with her. Now, it is understandable that in a very traditional (patriarchy) clan the father, as the Grandmaster and head of his family, could make decisions without consultation with others, including his own wife or children. But usually people who love or at least mutually respect each other discuss the vital matters before making decisions whose consequences will have such a great impact on their and their children’s life. Adopting a child, so greatly traumatized and from totally foreign culture, is something that should be a joint decision of father and mother if both were supposed to raise said kid alongside their own. In that regard the father comes off badly, not only by how sources made his reasoning selfish (“his honor demanded”, “Ashamed by his warriors' actions”, “father wanted us to be brothers”) but also how uncaring he was toward the mother of his children, especially compared to Sindel and Jerrord. 

We have no idea if Bi-Han’s father and mother were in love or were forced into a relationship by demands of tradition, maybe even through arranged marriage. But we have Sindel that though married Jerrord as a means to ensure peace, 

Sindel's Bio: When Sindel ascended to Outworld's throne, she worried that she was ill-prepared. Adding to her stress: her impending arranged marriage to Jerrod, an Outworld noble. Forced into it to placate a rebellious region, Sindel could only pray that he was worthy. To Sindel’s delight, Jerrod proved an ideal partner. 

she was loved, respected and supported by her husband and the feeling was mutual.

So far there is little suggesting Bi-Han’s mother had any real influence over Lin Kuei’s politics or that Grandmaster sought out her advice. She is not called the wife of Grandmaster, a title suggesting some high social position and so far only Sindel's remark gives us any idea what her role in clan could be. Liu Kang and Scorpion do not bring her dedication to Earthrealm and duty as a counterargument to Bi-Han’s resentment the way they talk about previous Grandmaster’s teaching and wisdom. She is pretty much removed from the picture and only Sindel and Tomas bothered to mention her at all. Sindel by praising Kuai Liang’s both parents as excellent fighters and Tomas by recalling her authority - the only one that Bi-Han seems to agree with, as according to him reclaiming Lin Kuei independence is what would please his mother.

If Tomas and Bi-Han have such a different idea of mother, the first question coming to mind is which brother speaks truth and which one is delusional. However I think that is not right question, because mother could not to speak about her desire to gain independence for Lin Kuei with Tomas - not because she didn’t love or accept the boy as her own, but because the orphan, as not born into clan, could not understand fully the Lin Kuei situation. Especially not when little Tomas was mourning the killed family and not when it became clear he and adoptive father became close. 

Another thing worth to examine is the possibility that Bi-Han, consciously or not, also associates Li Mei with his mother, as 

he clearly respect her, a former Umgadi turned into First Constable, more than Tanya, the current leader of priestess warriors:

Sub-Zero: No one in your order can defeat a Lin Kuei. Tanya: A nescient boast which is easily disproven.

or

Sub-Zero: Mileena sends a bodyguard, not a warrior? Tanya: Underestimate me at your peril, Sub-Zero.

vs

Sub-Zero: I hear your skills are formidable. Li Mei: As are those of all who have been Umgadi.

he encourages Li Mei to stop serve Royal Family and govern themselves

Sub-Zero: Your constables could also govern. Li Mei: We are sworn only to protect and serve.

something he usually does not do, as Sub-Zero has no interest in people outside Lin Kuei.

I’m painfully aware there is not enough source material to have clear conclusions and many of my thoughts are based on guesswork and comparative analysis. That said, I do think that as death of father deeply influenced Kuai Liang, the same happened with Bi-Han when their mother presumably was killed on duty. We have no idea what is the age gap between brothers, however I do think that Kuai Liang, as the younger brother, could not have a chance to know their mother well so all his devotion was focused on the living parent that raised him. If the mother personally wished for or actively supported Lin Kuei independence, she could do so as a way to ensure her children will have a better life than endless servitude, the same way the original timeline incarnation tried to save her sons from servitude to the assassin clan. In that case, Bi-Han was raised with an additional influence that shaped his mindset about his duty to clan above duty to Liu Kang and Earthrealm. If mother’s death was somehow the fault of Grandmaster and/or Fire Lord, as in, they sent her on ill-fated mission, it could be the origin of Bi-Han’s resentment against both men. 

There is much more to say about the conflict between tradition vs independence and I for sure will talk about that soon, but the next part will be focused on POWER.

SIDENOTES:

[1] Alternative timeline seems the closest to presenting Bi-Han and Kuai Liang’s parents as the “normal family” as both look devastated when their children were kidnapped by Lin Kuei.

At the same time, MK11’s intro dialogues of Sub-Zero and Noob suggests their grandfather was once a Sub-Zero himself, with raises a question how much their parents were aware of danger from the assassin clan and if any of them were a Lin Kuei themselves.

[fict1onallyobsessed]

New Girl, New problem

Maddy Perez x Reader

“This is (Y/N).” Lexi smiled at her mother, turning to you to introduce the two of you. You didn’t notice the sudden silence coming from the living room, Cassie, and her 2 friends all looked in your direction once they heard someone’s name they didn’t recognise. “The new girl I told you about.”

Her mother instantly took you into a hug, smiling warmly as she told you briefly about herself before asking about you. Although you exchanged small talk, Lexi ended up dragging you upstairs to her room soon afterwards. Her mother could go on forever, so it was safer for you to escape sooner than later.

“We have…a project to do.” She pulled you away, taking your forearm into hers and walking through the living room to get to the stairs. As you did so though, you made eye contact with a pretty girl sitting on her couch. All 3 pairs of eyes were on you, Cassie and her two friends all staring intently at you as to evaluate you based off of first reactions. Before anything could be said though, you smirked at the brunette and continued walking behind Lexi, thinking why she looked to damn familiar.

“Who? Maddy?” Lexi landed on her bed with a huff, arms and legs out in a starfish position as she dropped all topic of a project. You weren’t doing a project, you were there just because Lexi invited you. You were new and she befriended you, and you liked the way she was quite similar to you in terms of interest. “She’s Cassie’s best friend. Goes to our school.”

Look wise, well…Lexi remained innocent looking. Of course she was gorgeous, but she dressed simply and barely took any risks. The piercings on your face gave off a total different impression. You were confident, stubborn, and well, attractive. Unique was one way to describe you, and maybe that was what interested Maddy in you in the first place.

The door suddenly barged open, the 3 females that sat on the couch now walking through the door into Lexi’s and Cassie’s shared room. Maddy was first, immediately locking eyes with you as she walked over and sat on Cassie’s bed. Next was Cassie herself, followed by the girl who’s name you didn’t yet know.

“You’re the new girl,right?” She asked. “Sorry, I’m Kat.”

You smiled, licking your lips across the pierced hoop on the side. “(Y/N).”

“I really need my own room.” Lexi groaned beside you, sighing in defeat as she laid down completely on her bed, only intending to listen to her sisters friends drool over you. It happened with most of the guys in your English class yesterday, so she wouldn’t expect any less from them. Especially from them.

“How long have you been going to our school then?” Maddy crossed her legs, leaning back on her hands with a certain look on her face you couldn’t quite place. Your eyes travelled from Kat to her, scanning over her features before responded.

“Literally two days.” You said, shrugging off the very obvious look Lat and Cassie gave each other. Maddy was too captivating, too perfect not to stare at. Her face, her hair, her posture, her figure. All of it. “Moved here a few weeks ago, though.”

“Hm.” She grinned, looking over to Kat before returning her gaze back at you. “I’d say come to us if you need anything but you look like you have yourself handled.”

“Can you please just leave my friends alone.” Lexi interrupted, staring daggers into her sisters eyes before returning the gaze to the rest of her friends. Maddy’s eyes didn’t leave yours though, and if you weren’t so fascinated by her confidence you’d mistakenly take it as an staring contest. Eventually she inhaled deeply and stood up, flipping her hair behind her shoulder as she did so.

“I’ll see you in school then, (Y/N).”

You smirked back, watching as she disappeared through the door with the other two girls. They were smirking at each other, sharing stares only they could understand. Once they were out you looked over at Lexi, biting your lip to hide your smile.

“She’s cute.”

“No, she’s not. Besides she’s going through massive drama with her boyfriend. You don’t want to mess with Maddy Perez.” Lexi rolled her eyes, not taking notice of the way your smile fell a little. Boyfriend? She didn’t give off ‘taken’ vibes. If anything she seemed like a player, not someone who’d settle.

And that left one thing.

A challenge.

Because really wanted to mess with Maddy Perez.

And you really liked a challenge.

Part 2

[martinshep]

Going by only what I've come across online myself, in comments and forums, and in direct conversation, therians will say therianthropy is not at all correlated with being trans or with being lgbtq as a whole. I've not really understood why that's the case. My own experience has always felt very transgender. Even that I'm uncertain of as I haven't (and don't plan to) socially transition, so I can't properly compare the two, I don't even know what it feels like to be (have?) a gender. Maybe it's just not been explained to me in the right way, maybe my experience is unique, I'm trying to find out.

Therians, trans people, both, please tell me about your own experiences with that if you feel comfortable doing so. Especially if you're both please tell me how they're different for you, or how they're similar for you! I'm trying to figure this out for myself so if you're not comfortable sharing your experiences please reblog so I can hear from more people.

For context on my own experience:

I recognised having dysphoria over being human not long after becoming interested in furry culture. I had heard of otherkin before but assumed that because I didn't want to be fully animal I didn't count, and also because I thought I only wanted to be an anthro, and not that I am an anthro. Currently my belief is that the true self exists in the ideal self, and so wanting to be an anthro means I am one. Because I didn't feel like I was therian, or know much about it to begin with, I didn't look into therian and otherkin spaces. When I got these dysphoric feelings I kept them to myself for the most part as I felt like I was weird and strange, only talking about it to my trans partner (at the time), and she had never heard of otherkins or therians, and so related it to her own trans experience. From her I then figured my dysphoria is similar to gender dysphoria. I even have a trans sister and so learnt plenty about what it means to be trans from my mum telling us both about it.

A year or two later my cis parter convinced me that I do count as otherkin/therian, and only then did I look into those communities. I assumed others would have the same feelings I did that it's like gender dysphoria but haven't yet come across a single otherkin/therian saying that their otherkinity/therianthropy feels similar to being trans/lgbtq. I didn't say or ask anything because I was (and still am) quite socially anxious.

I'm currently sick with something and it's given me time to think and reflect, and introspection doesn't seem to be giving me any answers. Describe your own experiences, say why you think they are similar or not, I just want to hear what people think so I can come to a conclusion on myself.

[pineappleciders]

Can you do sp main 4 with a reader who is trans mtf?? I really like your ftm one and since my sister is trans mtf she would love to read this x

sp main 4 finding out reader is trans mtf

A/N: i am so glad you liked it and i hope your sister likes this too!!!! i know this is really similar to the ftm one mainly because i dont think they'd react too differently! link to ftm vers here

also i wanted to add that i usually write with a fem reader differently than a g/n or masc reader!! mostly because they're like 4th graders and the whole girls vs boys thing. so i'm sorry if they're... colder??? idk how to describe it😭

stan marsh

he's just like "oh" in a surprised voice

doesn't really care but might ask a few,,, personal questions. he's genuinely curious and he doesn't mean harm. asks about what it means and why you transitioned

"how did you find out? like what does it feel like?"

he might encourage you to talk to wendy and the girls if you haven't become friends with them already! he says this because he knows it'd probably be nice for you to hang out with other girls so they can dress you up and help you feel like you fit in

also puts in a good word to wendy for you and u two become friends :)

again you coming out might make him question his own gender. he just gets really confused because he's never had the chance to explore himself and having a trans friend makes him more comfortable to do so!!

might ask you questions at first about how you found out, but other than that he just treats you like how he normally does; probably forgets that you're trans if anything

kyle broflovski

kyle never really hangs out with girls in the first place, the closest girl friends he has being you and sometimes wendy. he is very awkward around girls .

so you don't have to worry about him treating you like more of a bro after you come out, because he doesn't. if he were to treat you any differently he would treat you like more of a girl if anything if that makes sense

like he doesn't mean to exclude you but he figures it'd make you feel better to not be grouped with the boys??

"yeah, i get that. sometimes i feel like i was made to be a tall black man. it's really hard to play basketball as a 4'3" jewish white boy."

mostly, he doesn't really care, and he probably actually would prefer not to hear you talk about it. like i mean he prefers to not hear about 'assigned genders' because it makes him think of genitalia and honestly he does not like to think about that

so yeah, he's a little confused but he tries his best to understand, and he might be appreciative that you opened up about it, but for the most part he's just like "good for you" and moves on

eric cartman

similar to the ftm one, since he's known you as a girl all this time that no matter how hard he wants to misgender you he never truly sees you as anything other than a girl

he'll call you names and tease you for it but at the end of the day he still sees you as a cootie-ridden girl

he kicks you out of games because 'girls can't play games' and the others say you can play and he gets all pissy

he shoos you away at lunch not because you're trans but because you're a girl. he would rather be caught dead than hanging out with a chick. so in a way he's kind of accidentally an ally LOL

he gets uncomfortable when the topic gets brought up and would prefer not to think about it. he genuinely wants to stay out of it because he does NOT want to know what people have down under. absolutely hates thinking about it

"dude, i already live in a hot dog. i don't need to have any more wieners in my face."

kenny mccormick

he looks at you funny all confused.

"mph, nmph? mphph? (wait, what? really?)"

"mmphmph, mph mphph mmf mmphh.. (jesus, dude, i never would've guessed.)"

he's genuinely really confused because all the stereotypes of trans girls he's seen on tv and they all depict them looking super masculine and stuff. he's never really met a trans person so he's confused when you're just some normal kid

he's supportive, but he doesn't really care. he pats you on the back and says cool and then goes back to like. playing mario kart or whatever you guys were doing

he doesn't know anything about what it means so he might ask some questions about what dysphoria is and transitioning and all that. he will listen genuinely but he might fall asleep. he actually does care though!!!

thinks it's interesting but never brings it up again or talks about it and treats you like normal. honestly he would be very happy to play princesses with you as princess kenny

you have sleepovers and he acts all girly. like you do his hair and nails and dress him up and he kicks his feet having the time of his life

[sweetbabymantykes]

Actually, Dhelmise isn't a single celled organism, that's a common misconception. Seaweed is a macroalgae, which is a multicellular form of algae. Single celled marine algae are diatoms, too tiny to see with the naked eye and also kinda what glass comes from I think?? I dunno I only know about the big stuff.

That said, research is still being done in regards to what type of seaweed Dhelmise should be classified as. While it seems many will develop a preference for green algae, it's rare for them to consist of that alone; most will still have traces of brown and red algae, and records exist of specimens that opted more for those than the usual green. Oh, but no correlation has been found between algae type and their color, I should mention— trying to figure out how and why exceedingly rare red Dhelmise form is an entirely different can of Orthworms, let me tell you. (Not as difficult as finding a way to ghost and anchor-proof a pokébean container, though...)

The issue is already complex just by virtue of the fact that they technically consist of multiple different organisms in the genetic sense, such as, say, both dead man's fingers and giant kelp. It's like trying to classify lichens. The real kicker is that the species consistently shares the same general body plan and shape, even between populations that primarily utilize entirely different types of macroalgae.

In fact, depictions of them from hundreds of years ago, when they were first encountered by sailors, share a remarkable amount of similarity in basic shape. Though, they did apparently vary in size to a greater degree; some used rocks and driftwood and would be small compared to today's average, usually described as shorter than a human. Others may have made use of entire Wailmer and Wailord falls— perhaps the remains of their unfortunate prey— if some other depictions and descriptions from those times are to be believed. (It is important to take into account the possibility of embellished stories and the like, as interesting as the latter sounds...)

Dhelmise really are quite the mystery, even among other ghost types! It still isn't well understood what causes them to form in the wild to begin with. We know from captive individuals that they are capable of asexual reproduction through fragmentation, similar to many other types of seaweed, but that creates genetic clones and wouldn't explain the diversity amongst wild populations. The prevailing theory involves souls lost at sea, but there is little conclusive evidence to support that.

Ah, I should probably stop rambling on about this now, though. I tend to get a bit carried away, which is weird given how I used to not be interested at all in this sort of thing... What getting reverse chosen by your first Pokémon while visiting family on the coast does to a mfer. Sorry 'bout the wall of text!

I feel like a fraud. I got a fact about aquatic pokemon wrong. It's fine, it's fine, I can still keep my reputation, Dhelmise isn't a water type, it's a grass type. And I actually don't know that much about kelp to begin with, so I guess that's what my problem is, haha.

That aside, man. I could listen to people tell me about other pokemon forever, don't apologize! My sister is really into ghost types but she's not really chatty, either, so it's really nice to hear about them from someone else. Previous Johto anon in a fight with your dad- give this a read! Everyone else, too, I had no idea about their historical 'chains'...

[avithenaftali]

Thinking yet again of Elizabeth Wilson’s portrayal of Dr. Pinder-Schloss in the Addams Family movie.

Not just because she's one of best and yet most overlooked things about the film. But also just how adeptly Wilson vanishes into the role of a mother figure who could honestly have been written by Diana Wynne Jones herself. It literally holds the whole film together and give Fester his depth, and (as a result) also gives the film its emotional heart.

And then, as I wrote this, I realized that in Addams Family Fester Addams really follows the same fundamental character arc as like 20+ different characters in various DWJ novels.

I wrote once about how DWJ’s cardinal sin in her books is selfishness. And oh, I do not mean 'learning to value oneself or stand up for oneself’ when I say selfishness, because my god that is not selfishness. What is selfishness is: prioritizing and seeking one's own welfare or advantage at the expense of or in disregard of others. 

And DWJ’s antagonists are, with few exceptions, selfish in one of two ways:

1. the ruthless Chesney way, that sees other people as tools or parts to use in their own goals, and then uses them like that (this is also, for example, the Witch of the Waste, or Orm Pender, or the Them, or Kankedrin, or the Lee cousins, or the Duchess who is literally described as seeing other people as nothing but literal puppets, etc)

2. Or (more insidiously) the selfish antagonist is:

someone close to the character (such as their sister [Charmed Life], their mother [multiple books], their aunt [Black Maria], their lover [Dogsbody], their uncle [Lives], etc I could go on)

who is selfish in a way that is not obvious to the character at first

and who often abuses their position of intimacy with (or responsibility toward) the character in order to co-opt the character in some way, and to build a definition for the character—which the character accepts initially—and which is both self-serving and false

and it is a definition (which the character has accepted, and believes about themselves at first) which does absolutely nothing to help the character, but does plenty to help the antagonist in seeking their own self-absorbed advantage

and a key part of the narrative, and the character’s arc, is realizing this, and seeing what a betrayal it was to have someone so close to them abuse that position of trust/responsibility to use them like this

and an equally key part of that same arc is for the character, then, to forge their own self-definition in a way that stands up for themselves, and cannot be co-opted by others, and allows them to push back!

And like, even in books where that’s not the main driving narrative, you’ll still get bits and pieces of that dynamic appearing on the sides, and with less central characters.

To mention Nick Mallory as a fun side-character example: his whole internal arc in Deep Secret is that everyone else assumes he is so selfish that, when he’s put in the position of having to make an altruistic wish to save his cousin Marie’s life... everyone assumes he wasn’t able to do it, and that he made a selfish wish instead! They assume he let Marie die—that’s how selfish everyone thinks he is! And then we learn that he did, in fact, make the altruistic wish, because Marie doesn’t only mean a lot to him as a person, but also she’s been his model for learning how to be a better and less selfish person. Someone, in fact, who is near the opposite of his own terrible mother, who Nick realizes he is in danger of becoming very similar to! It is in fact a fear of his, which he literally encounters on the Road To Babylon! I mean to say, this stuff is often pretty damn explicit in the text. (And his wildly self-serving mother naturally turns out to be the key antagonist of Deep Secret. Because of course she is. DWJ wrote her own mother into about half her novels. Freud would have rejoiced.)

Finding one’s inner stubbornness and self-worth, or crafting one’s own inner strong self-definition of who you are and how you matter, is one of DWJ’s most consistent character arcs. It’s an arc she gives to characters sometimes even when their distorted self-definition is formed more from their own misunderstanding than an outside antagonist (aka, as with Sophie in Howl’s Moving Castle, or Gair in Power of Three, or Moril in Cart & Cwidder). And her second most common character arc is probably when a character recognizes their own capacity for selfishness and discovers they’re appalled by it, and that they do not want to be that person. (Which is, for example, what Christopher from Lives goes through explicitly, or Howard in Archer’s Goon.)

The lowest point for Polly in Fire and Hemlock is when she act as possessive and selfish as both Laurel and Ivy, and uses the black arts to spy on Tom and treats him like something she can command, something she can ‘own’. Treats him, for a moment, like how Laurel treats him. Polly nearly destroys everything as a result of doing that. It is the catastrophic event her own mind flinches from remembering—it is the very last part of her suppressed memory that she is able to recall.

You could point me at pretty much any of DWJ’s novels and I could tell you how selfishness and self-definition are operating in tandem there. Also, I’d be happy to do it because I do really enjoy chatting about & picking apart DWJ’s books (well, the ones written before 2004) and I can do it ad nauseam.

And yet, for all that I’ve thought about DWJ’s writing, I’d never thought to connect this one particular thing that DWJ did so often with Dr. Pinder-Schloss, who is one of my favorite character in the Addams Family movies. 

The two Addams Family movies are my most often revisited childhood films. And sure, absolutely, I am as much a fan of Joan Cusack’s scenery-chewing villain in Addams Family Values as anyone else. But I’d always had an odd little space in my head where Elizabeth Wilson’s Dr. Pinder-Schloss lived rent-free.

Dr. Pinder-Schloss and, I suppose, Aunt Maria, and Phyllis, and Gwendolyn, and Laurel, and Ivy, and all the rest.

[happyfanofeverything]

reading umineko chapter 4

i wonder if it’s meaningful to draw a distinction between magical entities (headmates) acting like “another self” with a “first-person” sort of consciousness, versus magical entities acting like “a separate figure” with a “second-person” or even “third-person” level of consciousness. not only in umineko, but also with dissociative experiences in general. i’ve definitely noticed a distinction between first-, second-, and third-person dissociation in my& own experiences.

in umineko:

maria has witch-MARIA who seems to occupy various roles as a different form of maria’s self: to hate people and imagine them gone, to feel independence and power, to hope for escape from abuse, etc. this is like a “first-person” dissociation.

maria also has sakutaro, the marching band animals, the seven stake sisters, beatrice, and many more as “second-person” entities whom she talks with and hangs out with as friends, not as other versions of herself nor as distant figures.

“third-person” would be entities whom she doesn’t really interact directly with but who still support her in some way. i can’t think of any for maria, but the goat butlers could be described as this: they’re a third-party aid for physical labor, or can be faceless beings used to fill up a room.

we see ange conjure up a lot of “second-person” headmates to survive her isolation, but she does not seem to make a “first-person” headmate besides the witch ange-beatrice (gretel) whom she embodies to interact with (i.e. think about) the rokkenjima murder mystery on the metaphorical level of it being a witch’s game.

when ange is tortured by her abusive classmates at saint lucia’s academy and calls for mammon (and the other stake sisters) to save her, mammon says that she herself, as she is now as a second-person magical entity, can’t kill humans in ange’s material world, but if ange were to use mammon as a blade of her own will and think of herself as (possessed by) mammon, then mammon would occupy a first-person level of interaction with the world and could directly kill people.

ange isn’t willing and able to do that – to fill her thoughts with only mammon’s immediate greed, grab mammon’s physical stake body, and kill all her classmates – so it doesn’t happen. but it could (with severe consequences that she probably couldn’t escape)! but since ange’s material situation is that, more than anything else, she needs company to support her, she can’t merge the identities of herself and her only best friend. or at least that’s how i understand it.

eva-beatrice is a first-person entity who arguably sometimes shifts into a second-person entity.

shannon’s beatrice (as well as kanon’s beatrice) seems to be the opposite: second-person, possibly rarely first-person (i don’t feel certain yet about whether the human-world beatrices we see are them or not).

rosa’s outwardly violent witch is first-person, if she can be called a dissociative experience at all.

ronove is the clearest definition of a second-person magical entity (similar to sakutaro), he always occupies a butler role to another entity who basically never conflates him with herself.

jessica’s kanon, who calms her down and guides her to safety at the end of chapter 3, is second-person.

and of course ange’s onee-chan witch maria is a second-person entity, as is ange’s abuser eva-beatrice.

i’m curious about the details of how human-beatrice conceptualized her relationship with the supposed soul of witch-beatrice trapped within her body, as she slowly understood herself to exist as a completely different person from the former beatrice. did she imagine herself talking with the witch beatrice? or did she mostly imagine changes in identity within herself?

now, about similarities to my own real-life dissociative experiences:

i’m mostly interested in this potential framework because i feel that it helps me understand my& own dissociative experiences.

for me&, the actions/influence of a headmate residing in “second-person” are notably consistent within themself yet different from the actions/influence of the same headmate residing in “first-person”, which are also consistent within themself, to the extent that i’ve wondered a lot about how to conceptualize these as separate dissociative states and yet the same personalities.

it’s like the difference between having person A in the passenger’s seat advising person B on how to drive (second-person), versus having person A themself in the driver’s seat (first-person), versus person B driving without person A being conscious at all (not present), or versus person B driving with person A hanging out doing things in the backseat (third-person). these all come across to an outside entity as different states, but they’re the same people!

in my& case, i have a headmate who is most often present as a second-person guide and support for another headmate, which results in us presenting as a scared and disorganized person who makes surprisingly firm decisions and acts very intentionally (…and gestures & talks aloud to themself). when this headmate occupies first-person instead (a rare occurrence, typically during an emergency), we collectively present as a more self-assured, cold, and uncaring person who occasionally backtracks or apologizes (as advised to by another headmate). note that this headmate’s earliest origin was to serve as a second-person guardian, and his first-person existence only developed many years later.

i& also have a headmate who started as a repository for suppressed first-person traits (e.g. we weren’t permitted by circumstance to act impulsive and outspoken, so this headmate secretly collected those attributes), emerged as a first-person consciousness, then gained access to second/third-person as well. in first-person, this one acts like a younger, more trusting and simple-minded friendly self, while in second- or third-person this one typically occupies a role of a younger sibling whose presence motivates an older headmate to take care of the collective’s needs.

the big thing about all this is that memories, attitudes towards specific people, preferences, etc. remain continuous with the same headmates, not with the same outwardly-apparent states of collective being! an outsider might approximate me& to have a wildly inaccurate count of headmates or “mood swings”/“inconsistencies” without an understanding of what’s actually going on.

[elliepassmore]

The Scarlet Alchemist review

5/5 stars Recommended if you like: fantasy, alchemy magic, conspiracies, monsters

This was not a book that was on my radar but it came as part of a book box subscription and I'm so glad it did! The idea of jewels being altered alchemically to be something the rich can eat to live forever is so interesting and has such layered connotations to it.

The story opens with Zilan talking with a client about doing a resurrection. We get quite a bit of info on conducting resurrections since Zilan and her cousin's have made this their side business in order to help their family stay afloat. I liked the way the resurrections were described and thought the details of the magic were interesting. I also think seeing a resurrection first-thing helps set the stage for how magic works in this world.

Since magic is based in alchemy, it's drawn from stones and gems, each of which has a different power depending on its properties and elemental alignments. Zilan, being both a resurrectionist and someone who wants to sit for the civil exams, has to know a lot about the different stones. Once Zilan is in the imperial city, we get to see more alchemists and different uses of stones, and I really liked seeing the innovative things people came up with. I thought it was particularly clever the way Zilan would fashion rings out of gems, metals, and stones in order to have a quick source for magic. The imperial alchemists in particular are the cream of the crop and thus are both extremely talented and extremely creative in how they use their magic. I liked the camaraderie amongst the imperial alchemists and thought they brought a touch of light to an otherwise dangerous court.

Zilan is someone who wants to climb the social ladder in order to help her family. She's immensely loyal to her cousins, aunt, and uncle, who took her in after her father left and her mother died. Zilan is a talented alchemist and has figured out the secret to raising the dead after only ever being self-taught. Thanks to her success and renown she's able to enter the world of the court alchemists and have a chance to provide for her family the way they've provided for her. Yet at the same time she feels a sense of unworthiness, of being the child they had to take in due to familial duty, and that leaves her feeling as though she needs to work extra hard to prove she's worth it (of course her family doesn't actually think of her as a burden, but it's hard for her to overcome). Her insecurities about having been taken in, and having a foreign-born father do cause some internal problems for her, which at times translate to spats with her cousins. Regardless, it's clear she loves them deeply and would do anything to help them and ensure their safety.

Yufei is Zilan's cousin/adoptive sister and I absolutely loved her character. She's described as being a classically beautiful girl and their culture's 'perfect wife' material but should anyone say that to her face she'll square up and make them regret the 'compliment.' Yufei is definitely the fighter of their trio and is fiercely protective of Zilan and her brother. I also appreciated her mischievous side and seeing how she could be playful as well as the serious scholar and the fierce fighter.

Wenshu is Zilan's other cousin/adoptive brother and is the cautious one of their trio. He's soft spoken and worries over things like cleanliness and getting into trouble. That being said, I think he and Zilan have similar insecurities, though coming from opposite directions. Zilan worries she isn't loved enough because she's a burden and half-Chinese, Wenshu worries Zilan doesn't love them because she's capable of rising so high and 'leaving them behind.' This does cause some friction between the two of them, but Wenshu loves her and his sister and it's clear his worries simply get the best of him sometimes (that being said, I think he does get upset with Zilan about some things out of her control). At times he acts as a mitigating influence at times to Zilan's desires and Yufei's impulsivity, and he provides some humorous moments as well.

Li Hong is the crown prince who hears of Zilan's renown and asks her to resurrect him after his death. He's a sort of bumbly fellow who does his best but definitely grew up rich and secluded in the imperial palace. While he's faced hardships and loss, he also doesn't totally understand how other people live and the kinds of things that might offend them. But Li Hong is open to Zilan's admonishments and does his best to do better in the future. He's definitely a big softy, and I liked seeing that juxtaposed with Zilan's more hard pragmatism.

The plot was enjoyable, especially since I came into this with no spoilers and so truly got to guess where things were going to go. There were definitely some surprises and twists, and I liked seeing Zilan and her allies/friends work together to overcome the threats looming in the imperial palace. There were also some really interesting things going on plot-wise with immortality, resurrection, and the monsters.

Overall I enjoyed this book and am greatly looking forward to the sequel. All the main characters were likeable and still distinct from one another, and I look forward to reading more about them in book 2!

[babyspacebatclone]

I made a comment yesterday about Catra from SPoP having a lot of the same traumas as my brother.

It reminded me of something.

I babble, so the story is below the cut.

But it exactly describes why I, personally, am unsatisfied with the “closure” shown in canon in regards to Catra having a healthy relationship with Adora - any kind of relationship - with the state of self-awareness she ends the series on.

TL;DR:

If my brother interprets something innocent I say as an “attack” on him, there is no winning for me to try and change his mind.

Having a third party attempt to change his mind is most likely to just add to his trauma of me being the “golden child” growing up, which I’ll discuss at the end of the post below.

And my brother interpreting statements from other people, not just me, as a personal attack is not an unexpected occurrence.

Link to a different example that expands on the kinds of things he’ll get into this state over….

I’ll start that my younger brother’s and my history of emotional abuse from a parent figure (our biodad) is many order of magnitudes below Catra’s and Adora’s. And this is not an “obvious” statement if you don’t know me, because sadly there are examples of child abuse out there to be found that surpass Shadow Weaver….

Nevertheless, we very much developed very similar trauma responses and issues: I was the “golden child,” someone who tends to be submissive and helpful as a temperament, lucky enough to find things like school easy; my brother struggled more with his anger, school, and in general just about everything I seemed to be good at.

Even as a teenager (around 16), I could clearly see a dynamic of “I get more positive attention, he gets more attention.”

I don’t know if it’s personality or trauma based on his part, but I also used to have a “joke” about our belongings: “What’s mine is ours and what’s his I don’t touch.”

Both sides of that were dictated by him.

Nevertheless, I always viewed my responsibility as both the oldest child and “one who had it easier” (like, 10 out of 100 is higher than 5 out of 100….) to take care of and protect him, and it wasn’t until we were about 14 and 16 respectively I started to resent that.

I’d resent how he treated me, sure, but I’d always recognized a lot of his behavior problems were my father’s fault.

Speaking of my father, there’s definitely cycles of abuse here; I never wanted nor could have handled the details, but him being raised by first generation German immigrants and then entering the Canadian Air Force gives me things to suspect.

I also cut ties with him at 24; my brother when he was kicked out of the house by him at 17.

(very very long story; we were living with him after the divorce until Mom could get on her feet)

Anyway…..

We’re now both 40+. In many ways, our relationship has improved - we’re the only ones we’re comfortable with discussing we’re Queer within the family, for example - and he definitely wishes we were closer friends.

In the past few years, I’m slowly losing the guilt over me not feeling the same way.

This is the perfect example why.

It was 2019, my brother was early into a new romantic relationship , and Episode 9 of Star Wars was coming out.

My brother was really excited that me and his then-girlfriend were bonding over both being geeks, and he excitedly invited me to go to an advanced showing of The Rise of Starwalker that was happening in a nearby town.

I had very little interest in actually seeing the movie, and am an Autistic Introvert to his Autistic Extrovert, so none of this really sounded like “fun” to me.

But he was excited, and as sibling outings go didn’t sound painful.

So I put on my big-girl big-sister pants on and agreed.

Something with my family is that the person in charge of an outing drives - which is 100% a control thing, and functionally means if you can’t justify driving yourself my mom or my brother (depending on if she’s involved) is picking you up.

(despite not meeting him until I was 22, my step-father and I are exceptionally similar and neither of us rock the boat there)

Once I finally got a driver’s license at 35, I started to hate this system, but again it’s rarely actually painful and thus not worth making a deal over.

Anyway, on the day my brother comes to pick me up. I technically knew he was picking me up first and then we were going to his girlfriend’s new place, but I hadn’t quite processed that this was a short visit and not just her jumping into the car.

So I got into the back seat so she could ride shotgun when we got to her.

My brother found this hilarious (or maybe was pretending to? idk with him…) and teased me for not getting up front with him.

I work as a daycare teacher, and at that time it probably had been only a month since a lead teacher hd come back from maternity leave, and trying to cover her duties for several months had almost - and I am serious here - broken me.

I remember it taking almost 30 seconds for me to understand what the problem was, and when I did I did not want to have to deal with him laughing at me over something so stupid.

So I said something along the lines of “Opps, sorry, braindead, tired from work.”

I need to emphasize:

All I said was that I was tired and blamed my work.

In response, my brother gave me a cptsd flashback.

I was being shouted at, being told I don’t appreciate how tired he is after his - and he’s right here - physically intensive job, do I appreciate anything….

When confronted with something that reminds me of one of my biological father’s outbursts, I immediately drop into “freeze” out of “fight, flight, freeze, fawn.”

I did not understand why he had taken my statement as a direct attack on him, but he had, this was happening, and there was nothing I would be able to do to stop it.

I sat there, silently crying, waiting to be ordered out of his car because I physically could not move until I was given that.

To my complete shock he got silent…

And started the car.

I felt like I was in a parallel universe.

The raw rage was still radiating off my brother, but somehow he had chosen to drive to his then-girlfriend’s place as planned.

I don’t think I was able to give her the full story, but once I basically said I’d upset him she ripped into him for making me cry.

Kinda wish she hadn’t been such a flake in just about every other regard; a girl needs a strong backbone to survive my brother.

After he’d been calmed down, we were back in his car and driving to the movie theatre half an hour away.

By the time we got there my brother was back to his happy excited persona, very very proud that he had thought of such a cool thing for his two geeky girls to do, and the fact it ended up with us seeing Rise of Starwalker didn’t dampen it.

(I shall say I was not impressed with directions taken in the movie, and my overall impressions are shared by specific segments of Star Wars fans)

However…

I never stopped being upset by the entire thing - specifically, that while my brother had apologized for shouting at me, he never apologized for why he had shouted at me.

And as I said at the top of this post, there is no winning if I were the one to try and bring up how hurtful that had been.

I’d either set him off on the entire “you don’t appreciate me!” thing and, ya know?

No, I didn’t appreciate much about this entire endeavor, I was doing it entirely as a favor to you so you could have a fun night out with me on your terms.

Just because you spend a lot of energy doing something you think someone else is going to enjoy, doesn’t automatically force them into actually liking what you are doing.

Sometimes, you have to do a bit of calculus, and figure out mental energy put in versus mental drain during activity versus outcome, and pick things that have a low net loss in order to be a nice decent human being.

Doesn’t mean it’s still not a net loss.

Having a third party explain to my brother he completely flipped over nothing and not every statement about my life being hard means his suffering is invalidated is thin ice too.

Because that’s exactly what had happened.

The only way my brother can feel secure that his needs will be met is if his suffering is acknowledged as the worse, and therefore will be prioritized.

Just like my biological father’s suffering always had to be prioritized.

Just like I learned somewhere early in elementary school that I had to hide my suffering, because entering into the arena of “who needs attention more?” would only end with more trauma for me.

Just like I learned I had to be satisfied with the positive attention people gave me for doing things they thought were worthy, but also not being a “show off” and actually seek out attention because that made me a bad person.

Because I got the most positive attention.

And my brother got the most attention.

And I understand my brother’s traumas.

And the fact he tried to fix things for me by not canceling our event, does show that he does try and improve things, he does know he’s hurting me.

But I can’t think of how explaining “punishing your sister for you mistaking neutral statements for personal attacks” to him is going to be helpful

unless it’s done by a professional.

And I can’t be involved in it in any way, or else it just quite naturally is going to just add to the existing resentment that neither of us could prevent happening when we were children.

Because, yeah, it’s shitty to realize you’re hurting someone you love because of your mistakes.

It’s not something people want to have to admit.

But both our work schedules got super packed due to COVID.

And I haven’t had a “brother led” activity since.

And I don’t fucking ever want to again.

And I still feel guilty about that.

But a fuck ton less than I did in 2021.

[ollierachnid]

I forgot to copy the numbers so woe! Writer questions be upon ye;

Who is your newest OC? Why did you make them?

Do you have any OCs without stories? Will you ever create one for them?

What are your favourite relationships between your OCs? (romantic or platonic!)

2) Newest OC.

The newest "group" of OCs are the characters I created for my 2000s, mystery / soap opera drama story lol. Spencer, Mara, Kerry, Joy, so on. I tend to create OCs in batches when developing story ideas, but focus more on the main one's. Here's a super recent scribble of Spence & Mara though

6) OCs without stories.

Yes, in terms of concrete plots or other characters, I have one OC without any real story. Mister, manic transient with a hero complex, but little in the way of story direction lol, adapted from an incredibly niche interest. I probably had others as a teen but they're either lost to time or were adapted into new OCs

7) Favourite relationships.

Ohh I'll give a few, of different varieties, but I do enjoy a good number of the relationships I've developed for my OCs., which is probably why they're so self contained.

Lou & their sister Anne:

Lou and Anne have such a fun relationship to ponder about and try to write for because the entire purpose of it was to deteriorate, because sometimes familial love isn't enough to keep people together, that proximity and desperation quite often breeds a variety of wrecks who will come to the point of not tolerating each other. They love each other dearly, but the person Lou becomes once they leave their parents makes the entire dynamic unsustainable, especially for Anne who faces the brunt of their volatility. They're great, in a tragic way. What happens with them is inevitable but sad.

Spencer & Mara:

Alarming! I have one distinctly healthy relationship amongst my OCs, it's these two. I'm not entirely sure how to describe their relationship bc it kind of necessitates explaining their entire plot line, but, they are very similar people (stubborn, loud, extroverts who feel the need to help everyone else without taking much time for themselves - which is how they remedy it with one another) who meet one another at drastically different points in their lives.

Spence is recently sober, flailing as he tries to manage his place with friends he can no longer surround himself with, trying to manage his infant daughter and Mara is a highly competent but overworked consultant and finding herself growing apart from her own, almost-adult daughter. They're drawn together after she treats Spencer's ex Kerry and comes to have a lot of affection for the poor woman before she passes, thus making her equally protective of the infant Joy. They're sort of navigating this awkward goal together bc Spence is a covert disaster without his support system and Mara feels that she needs someone to help because she couldn't with Kerry. Though overtime things obviously,, develop. They're sweet, they balance each other out in a lot of necessary places.

(This art is by the incredibly lovely @/alyxupshur!)

Nelson & Harry:

Don't want to ramble quite so much given my prior Fucking Screed, but Harry is the socialite son of Nelson's navy flame George, who tragically gets obliterated by a cannonball during a battle. Upon George's prior written request, Nelson takes up the mantle of young Harry's paternal figure, which he is remarkably stiff at. He does try very hard though, for a man that never wanted children. Harry loves him to bits

[luckychi7]

Chainsaw Man Chapter 119 Thoughts

The day has finally arrived, and boy has it felt like a long eternity.  I’m honestly going to miss this feeling of playing catch up to the latest events of Chainsaw Man knowing that this is the latest chapter to drop before the new one.  Then again, it’s actually a blessing a sense considering the occasion of the time of year we’re currently in within 2023, and particular where Denji and Asa are in the story.

In the grand scheme of the overall narrative, it’s actually relatively simple to the core.  Denji explains each of the three rules to Asa while they walk into the apartment.   The first unbreakable rule: Don’t open any apartment other than his own.  Asa questioned why she’d even have the audacity to do so which Denji agrees with her for the most part. When they walk into the apartment, Denji explains the second rule it’s “Don’t Open The Fridge!”  Which once again Asa addresses that as a common fact.  All of this transpired while they were watching a movie with a scene that had a dog.  Quite fitting when it came down to the final rule.

The most important rule which was arguably the most vital one Denji noted to Asa which involved his roommate/ sister figure Nayuta.  She had taken the dogs on a walk for a while, and would be home soon.  Denji describes Nayuta as a problem child with an extreme personality, and warned Asa that by all accounts not to make out with him in front of Nayuta.  That immediately gets Asa rather annoyed yet flustered about the notion of making out with Denji, and even asking he thought she liked him.   If Denji wasn’t confused before, her remark definitely set him in a big one.  Through his inner monologue, after Asa told him to stay away from him otherwise he’d die,  Denji questioned whether she used him and if was the starfish thing or he smelled like wet dog…

Finally,  Denji asked Asa whether dogs stink or not for a clarification. Only to be thrown off by an immediate kiss on the lips by Yoru who placed her hand over Denji’s head which was interrupted by the sounds of barking dogs.  They both looked towards the front of the door where Nayuta stood with an ominous aura, similar to that of Makima in her initial introduction from Part 1, as she released a chain from her finger towards Yoru’s direction  while saying, “Thief.”  bringing an end to the chapter.

All in all, this chapter of Chainsaw Man gets a Pure Perfection rating.  I mentioned how at its core the chapter is pretty simplistic in terms of the story, but Tatsuki Fujimoto continues to do an outstanding job at being organic and subtle but in his storytelling approach.  The way he showcases the different plants from Denji’s thriving, and Nayuta almost withering away to the fart chart which was really hilarious. In a way it subtlety showcases the kind of lifestyle Denji and Nayuta have together.  No lie when Yoru popped up near the end I nearly jumped and went holy.. that was scary. Simultaneously,  I just love everything correlates together from the beginning of what Denji warned Asa and how it transpired in the end with Nayuta. 

 As the reader, I’m just really fascinated and curious to seeing what occurs from this outcome between Denji, Asa, and Nayuta.   A feeling that is terrifying yet also exciting for the next chapter should be coming pretty soon, but with that said this pretty much all I gotta say about Chainsaw Man. I can now say that I’ve fully caught up to my chapter thoughts on the manga this far which is a huge surreal feeling honestly, but until 120 drops that’s it from the time being. Stay safe out there and take care of yourselves!

[bicaptkirk]

So I’ve been thinking about Max’s speech in the attic to lure Vecna in the S4 finale in regards to Billy and it got me thinking. When Will was released from the Mind Flayer at the end of S2, we can assume it hurt Vecna/MF pretty bad and it needed time to heal. What if during that healing, Vecna/MF was looking for a better host and what better host than someone completely different than the first one. While Will might’ve had a connection to the Upside Down and an easy target, he was a kid, small and weak physically. But, most importantly, he had people who cared about him and wanted to save him from this thing. For Vecna/MF to succeed this time, he needed a different host. What if Max’s “prayers” drew the MF to the perfect host.

“I thought of what you said. About how I wanted my brother to die. I thought you were just trying to upset me. To anger me. But you weren’t, were you? You were just telling the truth. Billy, he made my life a living hell. Every chance he got. So, sometimes…when I would lie in bed at night, I would…I would pray…I would pray something bad would happen to him. Something awful. I know that he drove too fast, so I would imagine him crashing. Dying in that stupid car. I just…I wanted him out of my life. Forever. I wanted him to disappear.”

Think about it, the method was eerily similar to how Max described one of her “prayers”. Something hit Billy’s car to make him crash before he was dragged down and flayed. And the most important part - to MF - was that Billy had no one close enough to him to notice a change. Will had a mom, brother, and friends who wanted him back, to save him. Billy had a sister who “prayed” he would disappear, was new to the town with no real friends, had an abusive dad with no other “good” parental figure. Billy was alone, he was physically stronger than Will - a better host that way- and also so easier for the MF to manipulate and keep him suppressed because Billy was probably already used to that.

“The day he died…I think that’s why I just stood there. Watched. Not because I was scared or…weak. But because…I didn’t know he deserved to be saved. And I’ve tried to forgive myself. I’ve tried, but…I can’t.”

When Max talks about the day Billy died, I think her saying she wasn’t “scared” or “weak” standing there has more to do with her seeing her “prayers” come true. Like she said she would imagine him dying or disappearing in different ways and in this instance she is seeing that happen right in front of her. And when the death finally comes is it because she willed it to happen or because it was supposed to? In her mind, does Billy dying like this justify him “deserving to die” because of her darkest desire to be rid of him?

It probably should’ve with the way the speech was going, but if she wanted him gone that bad and he was making her life living hell, then why does she feel guilty and begs for the same end as him? I think through her grieving process she realized that just because Billy was gone, it didn’t automatically make her life better. Some could argue it made it worse. Now she has a dead brother, a mom struggling to make ends meet, moving again after they moved from Cali, the only positive might be that Neil is gone too, but Billy changed her life completely again. So maybe she didn’t think the Billy she knew could be saved, but I think she realized that with him gone, it didn’t give her back the things she wanted or had before and that’s why she can’t forgive herself because she doesn’t know what would’ve happened if she hadn’t wished for him to disappear.

[dredshirtroberts]

Alright, debrief time

(pretend i was able to find a fittingly funny gif of someone removing their trousers quickly and/or explosively)

honestly there should be *way* more easily findable gifs of this, but my search-fu technique is not doing me any favors this mor...today.

(it's not morning anymore, bummer. it felt like it'd been morning for hours, figured it might stick around longer. alas)

so. This weekend was busy - i mean yesterday was the necessary "everyone recover your spoons and refill your social batteries because we drained them completely" day, but idk if it was enough tbh lol.

Friday was exactly as expected with no concerns during the outing or subsequent hangout. Like i was tired and very much had absolutely Done An Outing but I was doing pretty good all things considered, both immediately after hangouts were done and also the next morning. I was tired, but like. The expected amount of tired and I felt very optimistic about the day. I didn't even really feel like i needed medicine and considering I've felt like I needed to take medicine in the morning every single day this past week, pretty impressive tbh imb.

And Saturday was already going to be the tricky day - i went into this weekend knowing what i was up against, and with the understanding that I was going to probably accidentally do some damage to myself but it's *on purpose*. It has a *point* and I think that makes it different to the rest of the times i've done this to myself.

So even though I absolutely should have and knew that going in, I did not take any medicine because that was the point.

For as long as any of us can remember, going all the way back into rather early childhood, my legs just always get exhausted really fast. I'd get in trouble for sitting down in P.E., my parents fussed at me about it when I was little, and I was told that I didn't actually feel that tired, and that I just needed to push harder because clearly if I was that tired so quickly then my muscles needed to do more work to become stronger. If I just worked them out, they would be stronger and wouldn't get tired so easily. It was on this metric that i ran in 4 half-marathon races with fairly decent time. Just keep pushing, you're tired because you're not in shape enough, just keep going. It doesn't matter that you run at least 3x a week, for longer and longer distances, it doesn't matter that you're going uphill for at least half of that time, it doesn't matter if you're eating a limited diet because the household is once more trying a lo-carb, or similar, crash diet we'll forget about as soon as we take a "vacation" or even just by the weekend, but god forbid I eat anything more than the Allotted Portion Allowed By The Parents before they start saying shit about how I need to eat less or save some for later, or save some for the rest of the family. If I just lost weight, if I was just *stronger* then I wouldn't complain so much and my legs would feel less tired.

In a move that will only ever continue to shock my parents, it did not work. About 15-30 minutes into any outing on a good day, my legs will start to ache like I've been, well, training for a marathon. Which I can accurately describe because i've fuckin done that.

But I've stopped taking note of it because i was told *so young* to just ignore it. It wasn't real, or it was real but everyone else just dealt with it better, or whatever. And by the way, i also was never allowed to sit and rest when it happened while I was a child - the stroller was something I didn't really have access to as good once my sister was born, and that was at around 3 years old. I may have gotten like A Year with access to it still, while she was still papoose-able, but once we needed it for her I was expected to suddenly be able to carry my own weight wherever we went.

My parents really like theme parks, family trail hikes, and going to festivals where you wander around and there's very little seating. I got used to ignoring it and pushing past really fast, but it meant that I just...really did not like going out very much. Our family trips were always kind of through a filter of "I'm not really enjoying myself as much as I thought I would and I have no idea why I'm so grumpy all of the time". it got passed off as teenage angst and my bad attitude, because i couldn't complain because i didn't know what was wrong.

plus it wasn't like complaining would have done me any good. I would get yelled at for voicing a concern or need, and then when I would have a Health Complication that made my parents look bad, I'd get yelled at for not saying something sooner. So I just stopped sharing and would handle my health issues quietly and to myself. I think my parents just assumed I grew out of or stopped experiencing several relatively frequent health issues I kept having because I stopped telling them about it and did my very best to hide what was happening when I was in pain or sick, until I absolutely couldn't. I knew my bad health would be a burden on them, so if I said something and they looked at me with "concern" (read: what appeared to be actual irritation in their alarm), I'd backtrack which I think led to both my being seen as a hypochondriac and a liar.

So this weekend was to see exactly how long it takes me to reach the point of "My legs are tired" and then when I hit the wall of "I can't do this anymore without a break". My partner took me thrift store shopping which was super fun and rewarding, but it really did put into perspective how much I've been hurting myself.

Within the time it took us to walk from the car across the parking lot (not even to the door necessarily yet), I felt the familiar burning ache of overworked muscles and I was like "Alright. Well. Here we go."

I don't know how long we were in the first part of the store, before we walked down to the other, bigger part. I had 2 flannel shirts and was looking at the pants and already my arm was aching. Once I picked 5 total things, we'd moved on from the clothes so I could see what else they had. Traveling through the rest of the store, my arm slowly got more and more tired.

I got separated from my partner in the store (was fine, even with my issue at feeling Lost in Stores) and realized I was starting to crash really fast - I was going to need the medicine I'd brought ASAP, but my drink was in the car, and I had to pay for my things and I didn't know where my partner was.

I found them, we grabbed like 2 more things, they helped carry the heaviest stuff, and we paid and left. Once in the car, knowing it was safe to feel the pain, knowing it was safe to not have to keep pushing and make myself keep going, I realized I couldn't do it.

The day-long shopping marathons the women in my family do, the parties, the festivals, the hikes and the amusement parks, I physically cannot do them. And I don't know how long it's been like this because I wasn't allowed to pay attention to that.

Don't get me wrong, I love all of those things, but I cannot do them under my own power and I haven't been able to in ages.

I always figured if everyone had the option of sitting down and wheeling along rather than having to use their own two legs, they'd take it. In fact, I assumed most folks would just casually dream of not having to stand up ever again, of not having to walk across vast distances from the house to the mailbox, of just not having to...not having to hurt? I figured most folks' legs hurt all the time just like mine and I figured everyone else was just better at dealing with it.

Even bringing out my cane and the medicine didn't really *help* all that much. We rested for a while, but I still really wanted to go to our friends' cookout later that evening, despite my partner now being too worn out for it. I was super prepped to go it alone (had already gotten confirmation and assurance that it was allowed and possible for me to rest while i was there), but I was glad that Meta Prime was also good to go hang out because it is easier with a buddy.

I think adrenaline has been doing a lot of heavy lifting for my body (no pun intended?) because the adrenaline of going to be around friends (plus also the medicine, and the use of my cane and probably also the ability to sit) helped reduce the amount of pain and stiffness I normally would have been in at that point, even by the time we got home. (that or someone was working overtime to push to the front and make it so we couldn't feel it yet - it's a thing i try not to think about it too hard it makes things confusing and complicated).

but even with yesterday spent in bed and high af most of the day, i'm still sore, still tired, still achy. And I just used to live like this. Like no fucking wonder I was useless after work all the time.

I think this has confirmed for me, however, that it might be something to absolutely look into to get a wheelchair. This of course does require that I get my ass in to see a doctor sooner rather than later (yes i know i haven't done it yet i am...struggling with the concept), and figure out how to get them to write me an Rx for one but like. Baby steps. I at least...can confirm that apparently most folks don't spend about half their waking time wishing they were more physically disabled so that it would be seen as reasonable to let them sit and be in a wheelchair and in fact that might be a symptom of being more physically disabled and perhaps sometimes needing a wheelchair.

but yeah i'm just...processing.

i've already taken medicine. It hasn't really done much, considering we're in the Peak Time it should be working, which probably illustrates exactly how bad I feel. I'm going to go back to resting and hope i feel better soon lol

[cleave-and-plough]

finally, one of the weird ones.

something i distinctly remember from my first pass at utena was the presence of the "other" episodes, where the romance and psychodrama fall away in favor of some extremely different tones, either humorous or surreal (or both, usually). watching this episode now, i feel like i better understand why they included chu-chu, or at least how humor fits into the show's world. as much as the story has a strong narrative and character bend, it also revolves around a core of mundane and amplified emotions. just there are small dramas of friendships and school grades, there are also grand dramas of swordfights and the end of the world. why not some light comic relief from a purple mouse contrasting with a series of runaway killer animals?

nanami has slowly taken a more and more central role within the show, starting with miki's arc and now taking the stage for an entire episode. more and more the show feels like an ensemble cast, with utena and anthy often following the action in small, adjacent roles. it also feels as if the central character sets the episode's tone - miki's arc felt fairly similar to the usual sensibilities due to his mirroring of utena, but there were little touches here and there that seemed unique to him (such as the short piano figure that plays when he looks at anthy, or the gold-washed memories of the garden). in nanami's case, touga spells it out, saying, "i think you shouldn't read so many detective novels."

the first half of the episode couldn't be more pulpy - nanami walks home alone at night, pursued by a shadowy figure and almost struck by the blinding lights of a passing car in a dark tunnel, touga seems to be enlisting anthy to plot against his own sister - and all of it seems to be colored in by nanami's warped perspective. she says she's afraid, and she is - afraid of losing her brother, who miki describes as "the only man she really wants." leaving aside the brocon allegations, there's a real pain to nanami that shows in so many ways - how she hurts people around her, how she uses others to avoid dealing with anything directly, and how her vivid imagination brings her worst fears to life. utena is swept up for the ride at first, but is able to see reason once anthy reveals the real nature of the conversation - as usual, utena remains grounded and true.

suddenly, a horse arrives, continuing nanami's strange theme of being an enemy to all animals. (i do unfortunately remember the origins of this enmity.) a prince appears to rescue her, and suddenly the show returns to its fairy tale visions, showing nanami's rescuer as a silhouette-like figure matching the prince from utena's prelude. and yet, as the show often does when a character parallels utena, the tone twists. nanami's rescuer is an elementary schooler named tsuwabuki, and she begins dating him solely to exploit him as a bodyguard and servant. it's here that utena must take a stand, as the defender of the sanctity of love, and yet her power does not manifest, for she has no one to avenge. as much as nanami is using tsuwabuki, he's using her as well, having created numerous dangerous scenarios to save her from, hoping to act as her protective older brother. of course, no one can replace touga for nanami, so while she appreciates tsuwabuki's services enough to rescue him from the kangaroo, she breaks up with him, and he takes his place as an adoptive younger brother. wait, kangaroo?

there are so many absolutely hilarious moments in this episode, accentuated by excellent direction - the composition and timing of certain shots alone carry an incredible sense of comic rhythm. i'm laughing even now thinking about saionji (saionji???) appearing from nowhere, trying to be profound about his own misdeeds, and then standing there solemnly as utena and miki ignore him in prolonged silence, like a bathos-infused version of the evangelion elevator scene. the shock of his sudden reappearance being immediately neutered by his own romeo-like melodrama is just impeccable. what really strikes me is the density of imagery and gags as well - tsuwabuki crouching under nanami's desk to help her cheat on a test, the interchangeable suzuki, yamada, and tanaka's seemingly-rehearsed appearance (and later harmonizing?? as they prepare to battle a fifth-grader??), nanami's wiretap setup (bringing the episode back to its pulpy beginning to resolve the mystery), the trifecta of loose animals, shirtless touga k.o.'ing a kangaroo - it's beyond belief.

tonally, it could not be farther from the show's resonant scenes of abuse and sorrow, and yet its inclusion doesn't feel haphazard. it's often said that disparate genres like horror and comedy are related - they both seek to provoke an irresistible reaction in the audience, and i think something similar is at work here. typically, the show wrenches the audience emotionally, showing characters in pain and desperate to find salvation, helpless people rescued from cruel fates, all in the name of love and told through rich, imaginative imagery and settings. in their turn, the gags are just as rich, creative, and provocative, stunning the audience with their absurdity and depth of character. it's that deepening that i think strikes me most - taking utena as the lead, her life typically doesn't revolve around the duels and the fate of the world. other than her mysterious prelude, she's mostly a typical high schooler, playing basketball (and baseball) and goofing around with her friends. episodes like this feel like a gentle sweetness in the dish alongside the sour, compelling bite of the drama, each serving to heighten the other. it's a small glimpse of the bright side, just as over-the-top as the darkness beneath. it helps to have a world worth saving when the apocalypse is on the table.

of course, the allure of the past continues to bind the cast, from nanami's idolization of touga to tsuwabuki's fixation on rescuing nanami from dangerous animals. as comedic as it is in that context, it's yet another instance of a character willing to do anything to reclaim some lost beloved feeling. tsuwabuki's attempts to recreate the scene of nanami's rescue echo with miki's attempts to claim anthy as a partner in music to relive his childhood with his sister. seeing this theme reoccur as character after character struggles to let go of the past, the council's motto of bringing the world revolution feels especially pertinent - the death of the old world for the birth of the new.

stray thoughts:

incredibly excited for the next episode, which centers the mysterious juri.

it's no secret that this show was a big influence on rebecca sugar during the development of steven universe (and the allusions are especially apparent in-text), and the surreal humor of an episode like this feels just as influential as the high drama, romance, and iconograpy.

i'll be interested to see how the show handles the relationships between utena and her challengers after their defeats - saionji seems to be more of an annoyance than a threat at this point, while miki, who was more misguided than truly ill-intentioned, has seemed to become a close friend. somehow i suspect juri will follow a new path here.