#filthy fucking fun

[timidxtempted]

It's never just a carrot.

I was standing in my kitchen this morning looking out at the garden. The only bed that I can really see from that vantage point is the carrot bed. That's not a complaint, the carrot bed is actually my favourite one.

I like carrots. Always have.

They're delicious pretty much any way you eat them. Lots of good things for the body. Easy to hide in food for people who (for whatever reason) don't like veggies. Honestly, one of the first things I remember wanting to grow when I thought of trying to grow anything.

It turns out that growing carrots is a lot more complex than I thought it was going to be just from reading about it. Like most things, lived experience often veers off the course of what the research tells you.

Is your soil fertile? Is it balanced? What are the boundaries of the space you are growing? What are your favoured varieties? Will they grow well together? Do you have enough light? Do you have enough shade? Are you ready to dedicate yourself to watering, and to fertilizing and pest control?

Are you ready to do the work?

Make no mistake, it is work. The carrots in a garden don't just appear for your use with zero - or low - effort. Lots of work before you get to partake. It's hard work that needs to be consistently done. If that effort isn't maintained, the crop won't be very fruitful and you might not have them when you need them; alternately, your carrot won't be viable - it might just wither in the ground.

But you! You did the work.

You learned as you went, made adjustments... hardest of all - you learned that you didn't have to tend the garden all by yourself.

Good for you!

So now that you have a gorgeous fucking crop of carrots, everything is wonderful and you can stop working so hard! Right? Everything is planted and look at all the lovely green growing up out of the ground... and "oh I have carrots here, I'm covered for all happy carrots, everything is great and I can kick my feet up because look at all the carrots!"

Mmmm.... Carrots. We are all set.

Hold up, hoes.

Lo and behold, one day you need a carrot while you're trying out a new recipe. You go and pull one out and it's the most wonderful, beautiful carrot and it's perfect and bright and full of nutrients and oh-so-good-for-us-ness... you talk about how excellent the conditions are for your carrot, and how healthy your garden is and eat together in happy-joyful-floaty, well earned satisfaction.

Delicious.

Enjoy your healthy garden!

Next time you are cooking up a storm, you suddenly need another carrot and you run to the garden to pull one and... it's ugly and twisted and there's dirt caked in a crack down the side of it and why does it look hairy? But that's the carrot you have and you use it because... you. need. a carrot.

This time, you discuss the garden conditions and the soil amendments. You make the choice to add and change and adjust and grow with your carrots... You let the fucking difficult carrot teach you how to cultivate a better garden. You share your meal, and it is made no less nurturing or nutritious by the ugly carrot; in fact, it is made even more delicious and fulfilling by the work you have put in to enhance your garden... by the choice to secure your future full of delectable, lovely carrots.

Each time you pull a carrot - be it perfect or ugly as hell, each time you talk about pulling a carrot, each time you tend to your carrots... you can make the choice to improve your garden as a whole. You can make the decision to apply what you have carrot-learned to how you handle other issues you might someday come up against with your lettuce, or your beans.

.

Hey, something just occurred to me...

.

Kinda the same with safewords, isn't it?

Who'd have thought that carrots and safewords would have so much in common?

.

Are you ready to do the work?

To prepare your soil? Plant your seeds? Tend your garden?

When you are ready... Use every single veggie or herb you pull... Every flower you pluck... to make your whole garden healthier, more nurturing...

Having to harvest your carrots is not a bad thing. Done with respect, with care, with mutually supportive intention, it serves to improve your garden.

Making it stronger. Resistant to pests.

Growing ever healthier and more resilient.

Sew.

Get fucking filthy.

Garden safe(word)ly on.

🥕

[virfujiwara]

This is gonna tank but eyyyy new BFUCU art for my sideblog lol

I suppose it's incredibly ironic that Phil is a perpetually broke vampire in my universe </3

[the-final-sif]

For those unaware of the context of the twitter interaction with cc!Dream, Dream replied to a c!dream fan who he follows making fun of Inniters that claim that c!dream was beating up c!Tommy constantly/off-screen during Exile. His exact words were:

c!Dream liked the feeling of power and control that c!Tommy’s friend exiling him gave him. He wanted c!Tommy to feel so isolated that he eventually viewed c!Dream as his only friend, and would help c!Dream’s goals Would have worked if it wasn’t for c!Techno living nearby

Now, this is confirmation of what dreblr has said since back when staged finale was a theory. c!Dream's goal with exile was to further his own goals. The point of it wasn't to torment c!Tommy just for the sake of it, and it certainly wasn't that c!Dream had some sort of specific obsession over c!Tommy.

None of this is news to us, but it is very explicit in spelling out that Exile was not the endgame. Exile was just another step in c!Dream's plan. c!Tommy and control over him isn't c!Dream's end goal. c!Tommy was/is just yet another tool in service of c!Dream's overall goal. All of them need therapy.

Anyways, the tl:dr, nothing exciting, stuff we already knew. c!Dream's overall plan is, in fact, still what he's working for. Also cc!Dream found a spider and I've admittedly spent a lot more of my time trying to ID it than anything else today. I've been trying not to cheat, and so far I've come to the conclusion that it's either in Ctenidae or part of Amaurobiidae based on the groove it appears to have. Will update on this as the story progresses.

[joegill417]

My birthday is on Wednesday I’ll wish I hav something warm and wet to slide into for it

[throttlegainwell]

11. someone's a masochist and no one is surprised for the WIP ask thing! ✨

LOL thank you!

So this one isn't very far into the actual writing process yet. More planning. But it's basically Jancy Explores Kink Together, sometime in the future.

(I guess warning for discussion of BDSM?)

Jonathan probably has kind of a complicated relationship with pain, for a number of reasons that I won't get into (you all know them). So while I'm intrigued on his behalf by the possibilities of pure sensation play and sometimes a spanking or some other kind of painplay just feels good for physiological reasons uncomplicated by psychology... well, look, maybe that boy wants to control when the pain happens, on his terms, and learn to trust his body and feel his feelings and not stuff it down. Make peace with it. Maybe he wants to be treated gently and touched sweetly and then occasionally let someone whom he loves and trusts and would never fear push him just far enough to the edge of sensation that it's too intense not to tear up a little. And then soothe him and tell him he's a good boy and he did so great and she loves him so much. You know?

Nancy, for her part, I think would enjoy getting to do that. Nancy can have a little loving, conscientious, and very responsibly enacted sadism, as a treat. I think she's got some masochism in there, too, and probably more than Jonathan, if I'm being honest. But there's no way she'd ask Jonathan to do that for her, even if he offered. She knows him too well. So she's fine exploring this side of it. And I suppose I can let Nancy try the Clover clamps and heavy impact play with someone else, eventually. Probably not with a dude, though. (Gonna get distracted by queer BDSM thoughts here...)

[chronomaza]

We need more acceptance for people with weird kinks and fetishes in the queer community and if you think that means abusing children or animals or fucking your cousin I'm going to literally fucking kill you

[lovetransaction]

Dean would send away for ALL of these

[lustfulchaldea]

So how did Baobhan finally get Percival to, as the youths say, 'take her to Poundtown'?

Did she finally craft an innuendo that reached his brain or did she just stand in his room wearing nothing but her heels and a sign that says 'Fold me in half and fuck me like a life depends on it. Because it does.'

The thing Sith has learned about men is that they're never ones to take what's offered, unless it's when you're not being genuine. She's offered so many of them the same thing she's offering Percival, just with a 'your head goes in my collection after' bit implied, and all of them ate it up like candy.

However, when she's throwing herself at Percival in a way that she'd usually find incredibly humiliating, practically begging him to dick her down like she's some common whore, no strings or conditions attached, he doesn't take the bait even a little! It's an embarrassing blow to her pride as a woman, sure, but it's mostly her pride as a seductress in particular that's taken a hit.

Though, given who Percival is, perhaps she should've expected the resistance.

Holy Knight of the Dove, Knight of the Round Table, and just generally nice and upstanding guy...Usually, not the person she'd even go for to begin with, especially now. She's no stranger to fucking whoever she wants, but something about Percival makes her chase him. What is it?

Is it the fact that she's straight, and the other two men in Chaldea are that shrimp of a doctor and Mandricardo, while Percival is...well, a giga-ripped hunk? No, that's not it. Sith knows she's pickier than that, and she knows his face vaguely from Fae Britain anyhow, which would usually drive her lust for someone into the negatives.

She's very unsure about it, but she decides to brush off that feeling. She wants the dick, he can give her the dick, and she needs a better plan. Then, she realizes.

If showing these off isn't enough...maybe he needs more...stimulus. They're contained a bit, after all, and even as skimpy as she's made it for the purpose of seducing him, it's not all the way. Maybe...maybe there's no more time for the game. The hunt. Maybe it's time for a direct approach.

If she does this, she runs the risk of ruining her entire reputation as a seductress, to the point that it may never recover. She runs the risk of embarrassing herself because of a human, all because of this burning heat inside her is unquenchable and unreachable by any means that aren't a Grail Knight's massive dick screwing her brains out until she's comatose.

Normally, if something had this much of a risk of embarrassment, she'd either just flat-out not do it or ask her mother. Asking her mother about sexual advice, and sexual advice that was relevant to a Knight of the Round Table at that, was probably not very smart, though. At worst, it could end up starting the feud back up again.

But.

She wants this. She needs this. So all bets are off. Her flame can't be quenched without this dicking she so thoroughly deserves, and she refuses to let something like pride get in the way of this.

It's go time.

"I'll need to find a good board...~"

The curvaceous fae goes off to hunt for wood (of the actual kind for once), humming an evil little ditty to herself as she does.

'If this doesn't work? Nothing will.'

---

That evening...

"Guh."

He's rather tired tonight, if he can be honest. Spending all day fighting can be invigorating, especially with his king there to help, but when you also have to spend a large deal of your free time cooking...it can really wear on you after a while.

"Perhaps it's time for bed..."

As he slowly walks down the hall to his room, stretching his arms, he considers what he'll do tomorrow. It is a weekend, after all, which means that he can probably spend some time with his king, or getting to know Boudica more so that he can be more of a help in the kitchen.

That sounds nice.

He reaches his door, typing in his passcode confidently. It's an easy thing to do once you've been at Chaldea this long; They're only 5 numbers long, after all. But each one is unique.

CHIK. Sliiiide.

He steps inside, flicking on the lights...

"Wh-"

"Haah...hnnnahhh...PERCY....~ You're back...~"

Baobhan Sith is in the middle of the room, staring up at him with eyes so full of love and lust that they ought to belong to a woman who's been starving. A maiden who's been without her beloved for months, if not years, and is only now getting the chance to properly inform him of how true her love for him is.

"I've...been waiting for you...Percy...This fairy whore's been waiting so long for you to make her happy..."

She's naked, massive bust squashed between her arms as she palms the floor, leaning towards the door with a delirious smile on her face. Her mouth hangs open, exposing the slutty cavern that lies beyond her plump lips with every breath. Her massive tits, testaments to sin, are entirely exposed for him to see, plump pink nipples topping the doughy mounds of breast fat. They ooze over her arms as she starts panting, framing the board she's got hanging from her neck.

It's all yours~ All of me~ It's yours, so make me stupid for you~

The message is clear, and combined with her face and the fact that she's literally begging on hands and knees, it's no gag. Baobhan Sith, with one cheek bouncing off the other every time she shifts her hips, wants Percival the White to destroy her dignity, intelligence, and independence on his cock.

"I-...ah...hwh...You...truly?"

Percival's words almost cut Baobhan deep, but she knows they're genuine. He truly worries that she's been coerced into this slutty, baseborn display that could only be done by a brainless slamslut. It's so heartwarming that she almost wants to reclaim her resolve for just a moment, if only to assure him that this is what Baobhan Sith, the woman, wants more than anything. She can't even explain why, but that is the honest truth.

But she can't. She sees something bulge in his pants, despite his concern, and she knows that he wants her too.

That all this was the right call. That this is how she gets what she wants.

That means she has to be honest in the only way she can.

"Aww...it must be so hard...Your fat fucking cock, so pent up from never getting to let loose...You'd never think about harassing any of these women and using their porn-suited bodies for your pleasure, would you...? No, you wouldn't...~ You're a proud knight, after all."

She coos as she takes a step towards him, on hands and knees as her lips purse.

"It's okay, though, Sir Percival. The stress can go away...You don't have to bury these lustful feelings under all that chivalry anymore. You have a bitch to empty them into. It's not sin...It's not bad...it's just your right as the person I belong to."

Her lips spread, and the smashing of her fat flanks against each other only intensifies. She's drooling now, hearts forming in her slutty gaze as she reopens her maw.

"So use me, Sir Percival. Use this fae skank, and make me fall for you."

"..."

No words are spoken. He's stock still, door finally closing behind him as he gapes at her. But in his eyes, she sees understanding. Recognition. Acceptance. In her brain, so dulled by her own lust and centuries of agony and disdain, she dimly recalls that, when someone looks at her like that, she feels joy.

This really was perfect.

---

WHAM, WHAM, CLAP. WHAM, WHAM, CLAP. WHAM, WHAM, CLAP.

PLAP. PLAP. PLAPPLAPPLAPPLAPPLAPPLAPPLAPPLAPPLAPPLAPPLAPPLAPPLAPPLAPPLAPPLAPPLAPPLAPPLAPPLAPPLAPPLAPPLAPPLAPPLAPPLAPPLAPPLAPPLAPPLAPPLAPPLAPPLAP-

"Nhhhhaaahhh....OOOHHHHGHHHH...!~"

Baobhan's Sith's face can only be described as stupid right now. Utterly braindead, as the fattest cock she's ever seen pummels her womb. To say that Percival is crushing her cunt is an understatement, because after 8 orgasms on her body, he's finally absolutely obliterating it.

Lain on her back, eyes crossed as she drools up at the ceiling lights, Baobhan Sith is covered in cum. Her face is only bare of it because she greedily lapped it all off. Her breasts are coated in thick white batter. Her stomach, lightly bloated from all the seed she's chugged down, is also painted that same shade of white. Even her hair, currently fanning out against the bed she's being railed upon, is coated in Percival's nut. She'll be brushing it out for weeks...

Percival is a virgin, that much is clear. Baobhan Sith knew that...but she also knew what being pent up like he was does to a man. And how, in a state so built-up and needy, they'll do whatever gets them off most. Virginity status matters little then.

"OooGHAAAAA!~ MHORREE- AHIIIII!~"

Her back arches as he impacts into her hole at another, entirely new angle. Her legs are practically useless, crashing against the side of the bed as his heavy hips brutalize her own.

She can feel the fire inside, flaring and broiling, start to fade with every impact into her deepest core.

"Gnnhhh...GHHH....Haaa!"

Percival, for his part, is only baring clinging onto reason himself. He's literally never experienced this before, and is only doing as well as he is because he's not the one being dominated. He sets the pace (even if he's discarded it a while ago out of pure fervor), and he takes control.

Currently, he's pistoning in and out of Baobhan Sith's sopping cunt, face entirely red as his balls clap against her rear. It's been an hour, maybe two or three (he can't tell), and he's unsure if he's about to run on empty. Or if he's gotten close to empty at all.

But what he does know is that he's about to blow for the ninth time that week, right in the most greedy cunt to ever exist. Some part of him knows that he shouldn't do that. Even if Servants cannot get pregnant, even if there's no risk or downside to letting his cock burst inside this undulating, gushing fuckhole as he crashes into her cervix, part of him still wants to pull out.

"Baobhan...! Ghhh! Going to...!"

"Huuuogggh...?! Nnnnhhhoooo!!!!"

Faintly, her mind remembers that it can do more than just produce bitch-tier moans while she gets the brattiness slambred out of her. Faintly, it processes his words. Faintly, it panics.

Quickly, before Percival can draw his hips back, the Archer wraps her thick thighs around his back, ankles clacking together as her plump legs squeeze around his waist.

"Inside! Pleaaaaaseeee!~"

She doesn't even let him respond before her back arches again, and she pleads into his ear with the sweetest voice she can manage.

"Don't...you want to leave your mark on me? For all to see...? Your child...?~"

Everything goes still. Percival stops thrusting, and Baobhan stops crooning and groaning. The only sounds are the sticky schlaps of Baobhan's hair pasting itself to the bedsheets.

For a moment, she considers asking the man that just turned her into a 0-iq dickholster if he's okay. Contemplation must be hard for someone like this...but the moment she opens her mouth-

"NGHGGHHHHHH....!"

Ah. She understands now. There was no contemplation at all. Just the ecstasy that comes with losing oneself to pleasure.

She throws her head back as she feels herself flooded with thick batter, tongue lolling out once more as that feeling of utter stupidity enters her brain yet again. This is right.

"GHHHHOOOOOHHH!~"

She desperately bucks her hips into his, craving more of that hot jizz in her deepest chambers. She passionately squeals and moans with every rope spurted, and her eyes cross as she reminds herself.

Daddy...Daddy. Daddy.~

So, all in all...

It went rather well.~

[dyk3leepuppy]

me if thinking abt the most kinky depraved filthy tickle scenarios was illegal

[oh-bonerline]

Big Weekend Chapter 2 is up on AO3!

In which Matty and Ross spend a weekend fucking in the Scottish Highlands after Big Weekend.

[bylightofdawn]

Just gonna say I've been a good girl all night so I'm going to waste some time combing through my tumblr for you tag and apologize to my TL in advance for the amount of Xedgin artwork I'm prolly gonna reblog. And the amount of drooling I will be doing over Holga and wanting her to alternately wife me and bend me into a subby pretzel.

They're not mutually exclusive but there is definitely some interesting intersectionality there. Ah the endless dichotomy that is my weird gray ace life.

[ratboy]

I wish I had a special badge in splatoon that says "not new, just bad at the game"

[dirtymeanuruk]

Can we talk about Golm's eyes?😭

[skrunksthatwunk]

not rascal's deadbeat owner coming around when im not home and telling my roommate she's taking him for a week (our break is 4 weeks or so, implying he's gonna be back here even though That's Her Cat Not Ours) and then just picking up the new toys i bought for him and taking them with her without even asking. hey. hi. those are mine

[depresseddepot]

I'm reading the winternight trilogy by katherine arden and I gotta be honest, I am obsessed with whatever fucked up nonsense konstantin has got going on

[sweetlovingfictionals]

Time to be Horny on main (NSF.T MINORS DNI)

I should preface this with saying that Mika / Android 11 and Imperfect Cell's relationship is really NOT consensual. At least, not to Mika. Imperfect Cell keeps Mika alive just because he finds them fun and mostly as a plaything. The way that Mika survives just because Cell allows it? That's what gets him off and yes, Cell DOES have a dick. He's essentially forced Mika to be his partner and mate and if they don't do what he wants, they're dead / absorbed as Mika isn't meant to be a fighting Android. Cell easily overpowers Mika. Mika is a hacker / subterfuge / intel gathering android meant to steal intelligence and data for Dr. Gero such as human databases for Gero to kidnap and force them to be a android. Mika isn't proud of what they've done and apart of them wonders if Cell is their punishment. To be tongue kissed / throat fucked by Cell where it feels so slimy and strange, Finger and tail fucked by Cell (yes even with the pointy end) as Androids are more durable then humans, to be filled with Cell's spawn and realizing Mika will have to hold onto that to lay those eggs. This is Mika's punishment for being Gero's terrible creation. Creating More Cell Larva.