#first time I’ve been exited for an episode to drop

[starryluminary]

The two toned hair guy and the scarred cop from disventure camp are kissing and I’m so EXITED

[moonlessdusk]

Hello! I love your mkulia analysis..is!..sises..? Analysees? ..Whats the plural of analysis? Anyways - if you've seen the episode already (and want to of course) could you do an analysis on the ending to episode 9? With the elimination and all that, even if it's something obvious. Anyways, good work! They're always a pleasure to read :)

Aww thank you ❤️ I actually did initially think this was just going to be a surface level read of these two for the episode but I watched it again and I noticed two things at the elimination that I haven’t seen anyone else point out and no joke, one of them might actually have some major implications.

First off, I just want to take note of the beginning of the episode where MK and Julia are about to try and fail to fake sympathy. Because why is Julia holding on to MK’s shoulders while they walk over? Like the hand holding I got because it was a reference to The Shining but this is just unnecessary. So hmm… I guess they’re at a casual touching phase?

They then have a confessional where they both agree that relationships shouldn’t be put over the competition. I don’t know how intentional this is but friendship is brought up a few times through this episode between this, the scene where Chris remarks that friendship can be a good thing, which is immediately followed by MK showing up, and the direct comparison he makes at the end of the episode. That is to say, MK and Julia were always on the same page and unlike everyone else here, knew the competition would come first, it’s why they’re here.

Skipping to the end of the challenge, they know the predicament they’re in because everyone else here for some reason votes based on emotions and who isn’t their friend as opposed to who’s realistically a threat to their chances of winning (*cough cough* Priya). MK is certain that Julia will go back on her word to let it play but she doesn’t seem particularly mad? She looks exhilarated at the idea of trying to outdo each other, more than anything.

On the walk to the ceremony, Julia looks incredibly anxious and MK is glaring almost the entire time. I think Julia knew from the start she’s already betrayed MK, she’s just kinda waiting for the shoe to drop. And when it does, she lets out a sigh but unlike the last time she caused MK’s elimination, she’s not at all happy about it. She’s still hunched over like she’s worried about MK’s reaction.

She’s smiling when she explains how she did it but the turn of her eyebrows reads as a nervous smile and Julia doesn’t actually relax until MK praises of she outplayed her by working smarter instead of harder.

Skipping briefly to MK’s exit confessional, it’s worth noting that she said if she did have to play this season again, she wouldn’t change a thing. That to me sounds like she’s saying she wouldn’t change how she’s made an alliance with and trusted Julia. She doesn’t regret the relationship they made while being here.

Okay now first thing I’ve noticed that I haven’t seen anyone else pick up on is that MK was clearly walking down to the dock unaccompanied by Julia. Also she’s scowling as she does so. Probably at Chris or the general situation, who knows. Julia can still be seen in the background at the bonfire. I don’t think it’s a stretch to assume that maybe she didn’t feel good about how the last thing she said to MK was a gloat about herself. The last time Julia betrayed MK, she avoided her because she was afraid she’d be mad. Maybe MK’s reassurance from that time gave Julia the confidence to take the initiative this time and run down to the dock to be sure if their relationship was still okay.

It’s just sweet that Julia has never cared about what anyone here thought of her before and she explicitly said last season she didn’t want friends but she’s so worried about if her relationship with MK would still be intact.

MK’s words and opinions do cut deep for Julia, even if she does try to play it off. This is the most timid her body language has been and even if she tries to downplay it, she still recoils when it looks MK is actually mad at her.

And here is the part where I was saying could have some major implications. Right when MK begins to say she’s not mad at Julia, listen to the leitmotif playing in the background. For people that don’t know, a leitmotif in media is a short, reoccurring piece of music in that’s meant to invoke the idea of a person, thing, memory, event, emotion, etc. For example, with the original run of the show, when something with positive, big, emotional, and usually (but not always) romantic payoff happened, they would play that music that started with the soft piano and strings and build up to the drums and viola. You know the one.

I’m explaining this so you know how significant it is that the leitmotif playing when MK is reassuring Julia almost sounds like it could be the same one as Bowie and Raj’s romantic one from last season. I’m not kidding, it’s sounds like it could just be a toned down and segmented version of it. Go back to season 1 and listen to the background of these two scenes of their relationship starting and solidifying. You can hear it when Bowie starts talking, then briefly again right before Emma starts shouting.

This isn’t just some generic feel good music they have because the show has a completely different leitmotif for friendship moments. You can hear it when Millie apologizes to Priya in the season 1 finale and you can hear it again at the beginning of Raj’s goodbye in his elimination.

I need someone to check me on this, I don’t know if I’m coping. Leitmotifs don’t necessarily have to be the same key, pace, etc. and total drama frequently segments its music, like the bonfire music is constantly cut down. I’m just not sure if I’m hearing what I want to hear and hoping it indicates this is the serious start of something romantic between them.

ANYWAY, the hug.

I think it’s cute and pretty big for Julia’s character that she initiates it. She finally let herself be vulnerable and invites someone else’s affection purely for the sake of affection. And MK accepts with no eyebrow raise, remark, or any hint of her usual sarcasm and dry humor. With MK’s elimination, their relationship has become no strings attached and they still value it regardless.

[fangirlingfromdownunder]

A.P.U Comfort

Summary - Part 18 in the Comfort series

Pairing - Dean Winchester x Reader, Reader x Sam (platonic), Reader x Bobby (father-figure)

Warnings - mentions of miscarriage

Series Masterlist | Masterlist

A/N - G’day guys, I just wanna start by thanking you for all the likes, reblogs and follows since my last post, I really appreciate it. I hope you like this one too. Beware though, this one is a little longer than usual – I got a little carried away as I had a particular episode in mind that I wanted to rewrite for this situation. The GIF below is a major hint at what we're diving into. Until next week, enjoy! 

Meanwhile in Sioux Falls…

“I don’t know what to do, Bobby. I don’t know how to help her feel better when I don’t know how to shut off the pain myself. She’s a shell of herself…I just want to see her smile again. She would’ve been an amazing mother, you know.”

“For a start, you don’t shut it off. You share it. You confide in your girl. Let her confide in you. ‘Cause you’re no better. Sam said it’s like living in a morgue and now I can see for myself what he means. You will both be great parents when the time is right. Neither of you is the type to give up on anything when it comes to helping others, you just need to apply that same passion to yourselves and each other.”

“How?”

“You love her and you let her love you. In the meantime though let’s go see what Jody claims is so urgent.”

They gear up and get into the Impala and drive 20 minutes to a cafe in Hartford, where Jody had said to meet her. 

“Howdy boys, thanks for meeting me.”

“Anything for you, Sheriff,” Bobby says as he exits the car. 

“Hey, Jody.”

“Hey Dean, glad to see you’re holding up okay. If you and Y/N ever need a home-cooked meal or company be sure to drop in. I’m here for both of you.”

“Thanks, I’ll be sure to let her know when I get home. So, what’s the case?”

“This is a small town. Only crime to speak of being the occasional cow tipping. Then last week...four people go missing.”

“All right, so, what makes you think this is our kind of weird?” Dean asks

“I've got a witness who says he saw someone lift an S.U.V. to nab a girl last night. Now, normally, if somebody would tell me that one guy lifted an S.U.V., I'd tell him to take a flying leap, but after what I've seen…”

“Nothing's impossible,” Bobby says.

“Uh-huh.”

“And this matches up with the other missing how?” Dean asks.

“Well, four abductions, strong evidence left at every scene -- literally,” Jody says as she pulls out a folder full of photos and case reports and spreads them out on the table between them.

“So, the first vic was a pastor?” Bobby confirms.

“Yeah. The door of his study was punched in. And then, the next two…an engaged couple.”

“Locked bedroom window was ripped open,” Dean reads out.

“Mm-hmm. And then we have our waitress here with the topsy-turvy ride.”

“Any other connection among them?” Bobby asks.

“Yeah. They were all members of Good Faith church here. My, uh, my church group back in Sioux Falls was in a tizzy over it.”

Dean gives her an inquisitive look and says, “I didn't peg you for churchy.”

“Yeah. You know… all this stuff I’ve seen recently kind of makes a higher power seem relevant.”

“Okay, so, we have, uh, missing church folk and super strength. Maybe angels harvesting vessels? Could be a Buddy Boyle type thing,” Bobby says.

“Wh-- angels? You're joking.”

“Don't get your pants on fire. They suck,” Dean says, “you said there was a witness?”

“Yeah, well...more or less.”

“We’ll be needing to meet him,” Bobby states.

Jody scribbles an address down on a napkin and slides it across the table to Bobby, “This is where you’ll find him. Not sure how reliable he’ll be. Anyway, I’ve gotta get back to work. Good luck, and keep me updated,” she says as she gets up and makes her way out of the cafe.

Dean and Bobby tidy up the files and head back out to the Impala and drive to the address Jody gave them. They walk up to an alley filled with makeshift tents and trolleys full. They walk around the back of a restaurant and find a messy-looking man sitting on the ground leaning against the brick wall. They clear their throat and flash their fake FBI badges at him.

Dean takes a seat on the couch the man led them to and says, “So, tell us about this missing girl you reported.”

“Honor. Her name was Honor. Nice girl. Always left me meatloaf.”

“Why don't you tell us what you saw that night?” Dean says.

“I heard a big noise, got woke, and there's somebody over there lifting a car up.”

“And did you happen to see who it was?” Dean asks.

“I was too far. But I saw a light go off.”

“A white light?” Bobby asks

“Blue. Blue like fire. But not. Then she was…she wasn't there.”

“Could you think of anything else?” Bobby asks.

“No.”

“Okay. Well...thank you for your time,” they both say as they stand up and see themselves out. 

As they get into the Impala Bobby says, “Okay. So, no white light.”

“No angel. So Jody said that they were all part of the same church?”

“Yeah.”

“Ready to get your worship on?” With that, Dean pulls out into the street and speeds off towards Good Faith Church in the centre of town. He pulls into a park in front of the large religious building. They take in the multicoloured stained glass windows showcasing stories of the bible as they walk through the heavy wooden doors. A short lady with shoulder-length blonde hair welcomes them.

“Welcome to Good Faith Church, I haven’t seen you at our services. Are you new to town?”

“Something like that,” Bobby says as he shakes her hand.

“Well then, can I interest you in a tour?”

“Sure,” Dean says with a nod.

They follow her around the halls of the chapel and listen as she tells them stories of their faith. At the end of the tour, she leads them into an office and offers them to take a seat. “We hope you enjoyed the tour. Any questions before we get you boys registered?”

“Uh, yeah, look, Ms Futchko,” Bobby says.

“Oh, please... Bonnie will do just fine.”

“Bonnie. Okay, we...love the church. We do. But...Well, we've heard that a few members have gone missing, and, to be honest...that kind of scares us.”

“Let me assure you, with our increased security, Good Faith has never been safer. And those people who have gone missing, well, they are front and centre in our prayers.”

“What a relief. Now, you must have been, uh, close to them,” Dean cuts in.

“Well, we do share the A.P.U. bond.”

“The A.P.U.?” Dean asks.

“Our chastity group...‘Abstinence Purifies Us.’”

“Oh. W-wow. You mind if we sit in on that, maybe see if it's for us?” Bobby asks.

“I'm afraid it's members only. I'm sorry, but it can get pretty personal.”

“Then count us in,” Bobby says.

“Well. I'll be a squirrel in a skirt. I'll be back in a jiff with the papers.” Bonnie walks out of the office to collect the papers, leaving Dean and Bobby sitting alone.

“A chastity group?” Dean asks.

“Dean, listen, if all the members were in A.P.U., then maybe whatever took them is stalking virgins.”

“And that Slim guy said he thought he saw fire. So, what are you thinking, dragons?”

Bonnie returns with two clipboards interrupting them. “All righty. You can just sign there, and your purification can begin.”

“Purity pledge?” Bobby reads out.

“It's a commitment to your virginity.”

“I don't think we can really un-ring that bell. You know what I mean?” Dean states with a smirk.

“Oh. I see. Well... If you just ask for God's forgiveness for your sins and make a new vow of chastity, well, then, you'll be born again as a virgin in his eyes.”

“So, you just hit the "virginity do-over" button, and all is good with the man upstairs?” Dean asks.

“It's not a button. And...this isn't just a piece of paper. I mean, this is your clean slate, your chance to be a virgin until marriage.”

“You know what, I’ve had my shot. Been married and all that, so I’m out. But you’re recently engaged, might be the perfect time for you. Sure your girl would be thrilled with the prospect of a pure white wedding,” Bobby says handing back the clipboard unsigned.

“Well, you had me at clean slate. Let's do this,” Dean says as he signs his name and hands back the clipboard.

“Congratulations, Dean Winchester. You are now a virgin.”

Dean gives her a tight smile and glances at Bobby. Bonnie takes the clipboards and leaves to start setting up the session. 

“You think Y/N will forgive me for this?”

“Depends…you planning on honouring your pledge?”

“As you said, it might be just what we need right now. Gives me more incentive to get her in that white dress already. Clean slate, new plan, the start of a happy future for us.”

“Alright. Well, you go get pure. I’m gonna hit the library.”

Dean hands Bobby the keys to the Impala and makes his way to the room Bonnie had shown them earlier where the meetings are held. When he enters the room he sees a group of women setting up folding chairs in a circle and laying out trays of food and coolers on a couple of folding tables along one wall. He helps set up the chairs before they all take a seat.

One of the ladies claps her hands and looks around the circle smiling. “Good afternoon, everyone. I'm Suzy. I thought we'd begin with a silent prayer for our missing friends.”

Everyone closes their eyes in a silent prayer except for Dean who is still watching everyone. After a moment he joins in and ducks his head quietly.

“Amen. Now, does anyone have anything that they would like to share?” Suzy asks. “Why don't we hear from our new friend? Dean, what brought you here to reclaim your virginity?”

“Uh, hard to say, exactly. Yeah. Sex has always felt, I don't know, good, you know? I mean, really, really good. But, uh...Sometimes, it just makes you feel bad, you know? But, you know, when you get down to it, what's the big deal, right? I mean, sure, there's the touching and the feeling all of each other, my hands everywhere, tracing every inch of her body, the two of us moving together, pressing and pulling...Grinding. Then you hit that sweet spot, and everything just builds and builds and builds until it all just...Yeah. Uh...But the whole thing was just a little too, uh...sticky. So, uh, I got my V card back. The end.”

The meeting continues with an air of discomfort after Dean’s confession. Dean watches everyone intently for the rest of the meeting. Once it’s over he helps tidy up the chairs and create small talk with some of the ladies to search for leads. 

He makes his way over to the leader, Suzy and says, “Hey, Suzy right? Great meeting. But I uh, I gotta say you look so familiar.”

“Yeah, I-I'm pretty sure we've never met, Dean.”

“Alright.”

“Wait, you're new in town, right?”

“Uh, yeah. New to town. New to this whole chastity thing.”

“Well, I provide individual counselling. If you ever need to talk.”

“So, everybody in the group, they dish to you?”

“They confide. Abstinence is – it's really rough without support and education. Hey, you know what? I have some great books on the vow that really helped me. I-I live close. I'll just go grab them.”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. With a, uh, with a kidnapper on the loose?”

“No, I'll be fine.”

“Tell you what, why don't I walk with you just to be safe, okay?”

“Alright, if you insist.”

They walk side-by-side back to her apartment. When she opens the door for them she says, “Make yourself comfortable.”

Dean watches as she takes off her hoodie leaving her just wearing a camisole. She sits down on her couch with her back to Dean. His cell phone rings, but he declines it quickly. He approaches Suzy on the couch and notices that she is crying.

“I can't stop thinking about my friends. I'm so scared for them. Will you pray with me, Dean?”

“Sure.” She takes his hand in her own and bows her head. Dean lightly squeezes her hand and awkwardly bows his head in response. 

After a while, she gains her composure and stands up abruptly. “Well, I’ll get you those books. Just give me one minute.”

Dean gives her a soft, awkward smile and stands up. He looks around the room. He sees a drawer slightly cracked open. He opens the drawer wider and in shock pulls out two Casa Erotica DVDs. His phone rings again, and when he sees the caller ID he’s quick to answer.

“Hey, sorry I left without saying anything, I had to come help Bobby with something.”

“I know, it’s fine. I just need to ask you something,” Y/N says over the phone.

“Shoot,” Dean says as he places the DVDs on the cabinet and makes his way into the hall.

“Is there more to our relationship than sex?”

“What makes you ask that?”

“Just tell me the truth, Dean.”

“Of course. You make me feel safe, happy, and hopeful. All feelings I haven’t felt since I was four. You make me want to be a better man. You give me a reason to live and fight harder to get to the other side of this dangerous, messy life we lead. You make me believe there is a way out. I don’t tell you every day, even though I should, but I love you.” He looks back at the door briefly, the images from the DVDs filtering through his mind distracting him. “I just…since you lost the baby…I guess I’ve felt lost. Like maybe there isn’t a way out or a future for us.”

“Dean…don’t say that.”

“You wanted the truth…I knew I never should have got my hopes up. You let me believe and then you let me down, again.”

“Don’t you dare blame me! I wasn’t sure either, and you’re the one that convinced me! You’re the one that told me it would be okay. I know you’re hurting, Dean, but so am I.”

“Hunters just aren’t meant to have relationships or families or futures.”

“Dean, baby, please. That’s not true.”

“Look around, sweetheart, it is.”

When the line goes silent he puts his phone away and goes back into Suzy’s apartment.

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───

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[renazuku]

this is me trying

part of the forever and always collection

IN WHICH; bakugou hasn't had the brightest past. in the moonlight, his regrets seem to cut a little deeper than usual. after failing to get his hero license, he can't help but feel lackluster to everyone else. he just wants people to know that he's trying.

PAIRING; bakugou katsuki x gn! reader

CONTAINS; reverse comfort, songfic, one mention of reader having romantic feelings for bakugou - disregard that and it can be read as platonic

WC; 1.6k words

BASED ON; this is me trying - taylor swift

A/N; the very first story in forever and always! yayyyy

They told me all of my cages were mental, so I got wasted like all my potential.

“Oh, c’mon!” Kaminari groaned when he saw the TV, dropping his joycon to the floor. “KIRBY WINS!” was onscreen, with a giggling Mina in front. “Someone get her outta here,” He complained. “I’m tired of fighting Kirby all the time!” Everyone was in the common room, hanging out and playing games before heading to bed. I was currently curled up on one of the couches, watching the matches taking place in the middle of the floorspace. It’s only been a couple of days since we received the results for our hero license exam, and the excited jitters have yet to depart.

I laughed. “Kaminari, just say you suck at Smash. Don’t worry, we won’t make fun of you…too much, at least.” I smile teasingly. 

“Whatever. Someone else battle me.” He calls out.

“Kacchan, you should play!” Midoriya volunteers him. "You were really good when we were little.”

“Go against Bakugou?” Kaminari says. “Then get cussed out and have to deal with him yelling at me? No way! Kirishima, get over here!”

“Alright then!” Kirishima accepts with a grin as he stands up from his seat. As I watch him get up, my eyes land on Katsuki. His face was completely devoid of emotion, teeth clenched, blankly staring at the floor in front of him, despite what just happened. We’ve gotten closer as the year progressed, we’re even on a first name basis. Friends - not quite absolute best friends - but we were close either way. And lately…I feel like I’ve been feeling a little more than platonic feelings for him. It’s like he felt my gaze on him - he looked up and noticed my stare.

We made eye contact for a solid amount of time before I looked away, redirecting my focus to the battle between Kirishima’s Meta Knight and Kaminari’s Pikachu. Cheering came from both left and right, my classmates choosing a side. From the corner of my eye, I see Katsuki stand up without a word and exit the common room. He turns a corner, and he’s no longer in sight. I’m not the only one who noticed his exit though; Midoriya did too. His eyes peered over at me, knowing I also saw.

“Do you think he’s okay?” He mouths.

“I’ll check on him.” I mouth back. I stand from my place on the couch. 

“Where ya going, Y/N?” Ochaco asks.

I fake a yawn. “Feeling tired.” I responded. “I think I’m gonna wind down in my dorm, maybe watch a few episodes of my show before heading to bed.”

“Oh, okay!” Ochaco smiles in response. “Rest well!”

The rest of the class says their brief goodbyes - except for Kirishima and Kaminari, their minds far too focused on the Nintendo game. How long have they been at that again? I laugh quietly to myself at the fact that they’re so devoted before leaving the common room. The hallways are dimly lit, but it isn’t affecting my vision too much. I climb the stairs to the fourth floor, where his room is located. I see a little bit of light from under his door, which means he’s still awake. It’s not much light, but at least I know I won’t be disturbing his sleep. I knock on his door, softly saying his name. “Katsuki?”

And my words shoot to kill when I’m mad…I have a lot of regrets about that.

I hear a little bit of shuffling before the door opens. “The hell do you want?” He asks, voice slightly smaller than usual, and without the sharp tone. 

“You seemed a little…distracted earlier. Are you okay?” I try my hardest to make my voice as soft and gentle as possible.

He rolls his eyes at my question. “Why is that any of your business!?” He spits out.

Okay, wow. There’s the sharp tone. I take a breath to calm myself and remind myself not to take his tone to heart. “I dunno, just thought I’d check up on you. You know, as your friend.”

The word ‘friend’ seemed to catch him off guard with the way his eyes slightly widened before returning to their usual cold stare. “Fucking idiot.” He scowls. “Leave me alone. Go bother someone else with your stupid questions.” My brows furrow at his words, a little hurt that he didn’t even hesitate to cuss at me. I nod, about to walk away before I hear a sigh. “Wait.” He speaks, voice quiet and almost meek. I turn around to face him again. “I didn’t mean to insult you. I’m…sorry.” His eyes are downcast, regret filled.

What the hell?

Katsuki Bakugou, apologizing? What is happening? “Uh…” I seriously don’t know what to say. “It’s fine…” My voice trails off into the quiet hallway. Somehow, I can still hear everyone’s rowdiness from three floors above. The two of us stand there awkwardly for a few moments before Katsuki speaks again. This time, his eyes are looking into mine.

“I’ve been frustrated. The whole hero license shit.” He mutters out. “Sorry for raising my voice.”

I offer a small smile “I understand. You wanna…talk about it?" 

He stands there for a moment, seemingly thinking about my offer. He nods wordlessly and moves out of the doorway, silently inviting me in.

I was so ahead of the curve, the curve became a sphere.

Fell behind on my classmates, and I ended up here.

I sat on the foot of his bed as he leaned against a wall. “So, what’s up?” I ask.

“Just been so fuckin’ upset.” He growls out.

“About?”

“About everything!’ His voice raised. “About the stupid hero exam. About Deku, that stupid fucking nerd. I can’t believe he passed but I didn’t!” I knew that he and Midoriya had known each other for a while, but I never knew past the surface level. I asked him about it once, but I laid off after I saw how annoyed he looked. 

“You’re mad about Izuku passing the exam?” I raise an eyebrow.

“Yes, for fucks sake!��� He stops leaning against the wall and instead ops for angrily pacing around the room. “Between the two of us, I was the one who had potential. I was the one who was ahead of the curve. I was stronger!” His volume grew. “And then he passes!? And I don’t!? And almost all of you stupid extras pass…it pisses me off!”

“Do you know why you didn’t pass?” I ask him, trying to find a way for me to somewhat comfort him.

“Said it was because I was too harsh.” He spits out. He takes a seat next to me on his bed, head in his hands as he tugged on his hair.“It’s stupid. God, so stupid.”

“Well, I guess sometimes you do need to be more gentle-”

“I’m trying!” He cuts me off with a yell, heading shooting up. “Fuck, I’m trying!” His voice falters, his breaths heavy. “Everyone tells me the same thing! Be more kind, be more empathetic, learn your manners, cool off! And I swear to God, I’m trying!”

I look at him, eyes wide. His own are starting to get glossy. My lips part to try and say something, but no words come out.

“Can’t they see?” He yells, frustrated. He started pacing again. “I know I’ve fucked up. I know I wasn’t the best person, but I swear. I’m trying to change! I’m not the same person I was before, but no one sees me as anything different! All they see me as is the stupid, angry, spiky haired blond guy who can’t be nice for shit.”

He sat down next to me once again. “There’s no way for me to make it clear that I’m trying. To them, I’ll always be the stupid, angry one.” His voice cracked a little, letting the true gravity of his emotions slip through. “There’s no point. Nothing’s ever gonna change.

“Oh, Katsuki..” I say softly. I had no idea that this was how he felt. He felt like his efforts were going unnoticed, like we only see him as an angry boy. “If it makes you feel better, I noticed a difference.” 

His eyes looked at me in surprise. “You did?”

“Yeah.” I smile at him. “Earlier, when you swore at me. You apologized almost immediately. It caught me a little off guard, but I appreciated the apology. That says a lot, you know.” I told him.

“It does?” His voice was soft, almost timid. A complete left turn from what most people in our class are used to.

“It does!” I say in a cheerful-ish tone. A part of me wishes that I could take my cheerfulness and transfer it to him. Maybe it’d make him feel better. “If you weren’t trying to change, would you apologize to me? Or would you say nothing at all and go about your day? If you didn’t feel at least a little guilty and realized what you did was wrong, why would you apologize?” 

He said nothing, like he was silently urging me to talk more.

“I think that little things like that really mean a lot.” I told him. “It really shows that you’re making the effort. And I think that’s important.”

He cracks a small smile. 

“You’re trying, Katsuki.” I place my hand on his arm. “In your own way, you’re trying. Keep trying, and everyone else will catch on too.” I reassure him.

He takes a deep breath. “Yeah, I am trying to make the effort. Don’t wanna be seen as a shitty pro hero. I wanna beat the villains with my actual strength, not my words.”

I giggle at his statement. “You do that, Katsuki. Keep it up.”

“Yeah,” He starts. He seems much more at ease now.

“I am trying.”

I just wanted you to know that this is me trying.

At least I’m trying.

[kudosmyhero]

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (vol. 1) #10: Silent Partner

Read Date: May 28, 2023 Cover Date: April 1987 ● Writer: Kevin Eastman ◦ Peter Laird ● Pencils: Kevin Eastman ◦ Peter Laird ● Inks: Kevin Eastman ◦ Peter Laird ◦ Michael Dooney ● Letters: Steve Lavigne ●

**HERE BE SPOILERS: Skip ahead to the fan art/podcast to avoid spoilers

Reactions As I Read: ● yassss Shredder’s on the cover! thank goodness the tv series got them to revise one of the best villains ever ● this issue hits the ground running

● have we met Casey Jones yet? I can’t remember if we’ve met him yet in this series (Yes we did, in Raphael's micro) ● the Turtles know his name, so I guess we have met him ● Car 54 reference ● panels like this make me really wanna see NYC in the snow someday…

● this lines up nicely as I’ve just reached the Northampton arc in the IDW series! ● 👏👏👏👏👏

Synopsis: As everyone is reacting to Leonardo's battered body being thrown through April's apartment window, a cadre of Foot Ninja crash through the remaining apertures in hot pursuit of the fallen turtle. A fierce battle takes place and April's home is trashed. The wonderful Holiday spirit that had pervaded the apartment mere moments before has been shattered as easily as the panes of glass.

The Turtles retreat to the first floor of April's building, fighting Foot all the way. Leonardo is badly hurt and can barely move, so April helps him walk. O'Neil is nearly killed as she opens a door, but she's saved by Leo's quick reactions. The exertion causes him to collapse again, but the protagonists make their way to April's ground floor antiques shop. Unfortunately they find the Shredder and numerous Foot Ninja waiting for them!

Before the battle can erupt, a hooded stranger emerges… it's Casey Jones (the crazy vigilante Raph befriended in Raphael #1)! Casey attacks and Raph joyously joins in… much to everyone else's surprise. The battle now favors the turtles thanks to Casey and they begin to kick some serious butt. Casey actually gets the better of the Shredder and sends him flying with a kick! Don, however, doesn't fare so well against Shredder later in the fight. Fortunately, as Shredder is about to make mincemeat out of Donnie, Mikey hurls a Foot Ninja into the villain, proclaiming "You forgot one thing… our teamwork!"

As things begin to look hopeful for the turtles and crew, the Foot blast a hole in the ceiling of the shop and more enemies drop into the melee. April remembers that her father had done a poor job of sealing an opening in a defunct walk-in freezer (the shop had once been a grocery store), so everyone heads there to escape.

The blast in the ceiling has created a fire, and the smoke alerts the local police. As the sirens wail and the building burns, the Shredder and his Foot make their escape.

Casey, the Turtles, April and Splinter manage to get out of the burning building by way of the freezer. They decide that they can't take the van due to the police presence and head out on foot. From a rooftop several blocks away, the protagonists watch the Second Time Around building burn. April falls to the ground and cries.

In the next scene, we find the group driving out on the highway in Casey's '57 Chevy with a U-Haul trailer in tow. April rides in the car with Casey while Splinter, Don, Raph and Mike do what they can to attend to Leonardo's injuries inside the trailer. The group take the Northampton, Massachusetts exit…

(https://turtlepedia.fandom.com/wiki/Silent_Partner)

Fan Art: commission from Inu-Sama by 07kiwa

Accompanying Podcast: ● Shellheads - episode 16

[spiralcass]

NEW X-MEN: THE ANIMATED SERIES - SEASON 2, EPISODE 5

We open on Emma Frost’s telepathy class, with 12 students in attendance. Emma tells them all it’s time for a pop quiz. She’s put minimal, by her standards, mental defenses up, and she wants them to tell her what she’s thinking of. 

Immediately, the only hands that go up belong to Quentin Quire, sporting an unfortunate sweater vest and shorts combo, and the Stepford Cuckoos, who sit on opposite sides of the classroom. Emma calls on the Cuckoos first, and they answer correctly. The Cuckoos shoot Quentin a smug, superior glance. 

Emma tells the class to try again with the next one, but only the same hands go up. This time she calls on Quentin, who also answers correctly. He sticks his tongue out at the Cuckoos. 

Emma gives the class one more chance, but, again, only the Cuckoos and Quentin can read her mind. 

Emma pinches her nose. 

EMMA: “What was Jean even teaching any of you? I bet she never even invaded your subconscious.” 

Emma sighs and calls on the Cuckoos. 

SOPHIE, smirking: “You’re thinking about…how good Mr. Summers is in bed.” 

The whole class laughs as the bell rings, Emma so glad she doesn’t need to respond to that. 

As the class files out, Quentin approaches the Cuckoos, who are visibly disgusted by him getting near them, and mocks that they can only keep up with him because there are five of them. He’s obviously superior to any ONE of them. 

PHOEBE: “We are one, idiot.” 

IRMA: “Five-in-One, dweeb.” 

CELESTE: “And One-in-Five.” 

SOPHIE: “We’d only need half a Cuckoo to be better than you.” 

ESME: “So just drop dead already.” 

As the Cuckoos strut out, Quentin is both frustrated by the Cuckoos, and by his arousal toward them. 

Out in the hall, Emma is stopped by Scott. 

EMMA: “And what are you all unusually smiley about?” 

SCOTT: “Well, we’ve been official for a week, so I thought it might be nice for us to take a night off. There’s a new airshow out in Queens I thought we could check out.” 

Emma looks at Scott like he’s an idiot. 

EMMA, as she walks past him: “No.” 

SCOTT: “No?” 

EMMA: “No to attending an airshow, and no to stepping foot in Queens. Jean may have simply gone along with whatever interests you have, although frankly I’m shocked you possess any, but for me, you’ll have to do better. Capiche?” 

SCOTT, actually upset: “Yeah. Capiche.” 

Emma hums in frustration as she turns back around. 

EMMA: “I apologize. The only man I’ve been with before was Shaw. I forget I shouldn’t just walk all over you anymore.” She forms a cat-like smile as she puts her arms around his shoulders. “I suppose I can give the boy a night with his toys. Find us something better than Queens, hmm?” 

SCOTT, his mood lifted: “Yes, ma’am.” 

The two kiss, but the moment is sadly ruined. 

 “Oh, please do not tell me you two are actually dating now.” 

The headmasters pull away and open their eyes, finding that Sunspot has returned. 

SUNSPOT: “Disgusting at this revelation is, therapy can wait. We need to talk.” 

In the medical bay, Beast says he knows it seems scary, but with these, he can still do everything he used to. 

We see he’s speaking with Julian, who’s fully dressed and seems to have recovered as much as he can. In front of him are two metal hands, which Beast explains he’s designed to work specifically with his, and only his, telekinesis; they will be an extension of himself. 

HANK, adjusting his glasses: “Some of my best work if I may say so.” 

JULIAN: “YOU say so. I don’t. They’re uglier than Ashida’s gloves.” He sighs. From his nubs, he inches out his TK field to grab them and pull them over to his nubs. He repeatedly flexes and unflexes his new fingers. “Yeah. I guess this will do.” 

Julian, without saying thank you, sullenly exits the med bay, only to shove his depression down, put on a cocky grin, and hold his arms out as he’s greeted by his friends. 

JULIAN: “Guess who’s back!” 

Cessily runs up to him and gives him a hug, Julian then twirling her around with his TK, as Brian cheers him on. 

SOORAYA: “We’ve missed you.” 

JULIAN: “I KNOW you have.” 

Emma talks up from behind the kids, standing tall and imposing, but with a small smile. 

EMMA: “I hope you’re well-rested, Hellion, because if you wish to keep using that name, I don’t want to hear one excuse from you about your injury impacting your performance. Understood?” 

JULIAN: “Loud and clear.” 

Emma softly touches her gloves hand to his face. 

EMMA: “I have work to do, but come to my office later so we can talk. And be proud of yourself.” 

Emma walks off, Julian’s face falling for a moment while no one’s looking. Quickly picking himself back up, however, he wants to know where the others are. 

Cessily explains that Laura is still blaming herself for what happened to him, and she isn’t ready to see him yet. Nori, well, that flimsy bridge may have been burnt when the two nearly fought to the death, and Sofia…

Julian sighs. 

JULIAN: “Yeah. I messed up there. Big time. But she’s still single, right?” 

SOORAYA: “Yes, but I don’t think she wants –” 

JULIAN: “Perfect! Thanks for the intel!” Julian cackles as he floats off. “Just watch! By the end of the day, the premiere Mutant power couple will be back!” 

Cessily, Sooraya, and Brian all clearly know this is a bad idea. 

CESSILY: “Ten bucks says this goes badly?” 

BRIAN AND SOORAYA: “No bet.” 

In Scott’s office, with Emma at his side, Cyclops questions where Sunspot has been. Leaving out a number of details, he simply tells them he’s been taking some time off. While he was doing so, he met a seemingly pleasant man named John Sublime, a name Emma recognizes as the head of Sublime Corp, a meditech corporation that formed three years ago.  

Roberto says he started chatted with the man, but any potential friendship died the second he started ranting about how baselines were “entitled” to Mutant gifts, and how something should be done to erase the “inequality”. 

ROBERTO: “I thought he was just talking nonsense dreams, but after reading one of Emma’s recent mission reports about the existence of the U-Men, well, it wasn’t hard to put two and two together.”

The most worrisome thing he notes is that Sublime has a Mutant working for him, possibly against their will, giving them a description of Martha. Scott apologizes for riding Roberto so hard about his absence, with the rest of the X-Men having been unable to catch any leads on the U-Men since their first attack. Still, the next time he goes off on his own like this, he NEEDS to let him know. 

Roberto wipes his smile off his face, stands tall, and clasps his hands behind his back. 

ROBERTO, mockingly: “Sir, yes, sir! It won’t happen again, sir!” 

Roberto drops the bit and laughs as he heads out of the office. 

ROBERTO: “I’ll leave dealing with him and rescuing the Mutant in your hands.” 

CYCLOPS: “And where are you going now?” 

ROBERTO: “My room. That was the most exhausting vacation I’ve ever taken.” 

Roberto exits, but Emma follows after him, saying she’ll be with Scott to plan in a moment. 

When Emma catches Beto in the hall, he asks if she needs him to do any more of her job for her. 

EMMA: “Drop the attitude, Da Costa. It’s obnoxious. And that’s coming from me. I know you were doing more than taking a trip to the Galapagos.” 

ROBERTO: “Oh? What do you think I was up to?” 

Emma shows Roberto an article from this morning on her phone about how Da Costa International is back in business and bigger than ever, with a new headquarters in France. 

ROBERTO: “Is this supposed to be a “gotcha”? It’s public news, and I’ve mentioned before this is a side project of mine.” 

EMMA: “That may be, but it doesn’t change that you had to have gotten the money from someone. And I can’t think of many people with this type of money who’d be willing to back a known Mutant superhero.” 

ROBERTO: “If it’s such a short list, you should have no trouble figuring it out, but that really shouldn’t be your priority right now.” 

As Roberto is finally able to leave, Emma narrows her eyes at him. 

Back in the office, Scott hears someone come in and assumes it’s Emma, but, in actuality, it’s Storm and Kitty, neither of whom appears happy with him. 

SCOTT: “What’s wrong?” 

KITTY: “Seriously?” 

ORORO: “Children gossip, Scott. Especially they see their headmasters kissing in the halls.” 

Scott tries to explain, but Kitty swears at him to shut up. They thought he’d made a dumb, stupid, bad mistake, but clearly, this is just what he wants. 

SCOTT: “Yes! It is. And if either of you could give her the slightest chance, you’d understand why.” 

ORORO: “She removed any chance of that when she broke our family.” Storm walks over to Scott and looks down at him. “I’m so disappointed in you.” 

Storm walks out with Kitty, who’s sure to flip Scott off on her way. Unsure of what he can do about the state of the team he now commands, he picks up and looks longingly at his photo of the classic X-Men. 

We cut to the Danger Room, where the power is still turned off. Suddenly the lights turn on. In the control room, a white-gloved hand inputs a command into the system. 

An obstacle course emerges in the Danger Room, including sentries, narrow, razor-sharp hoops, massive industrial fans, and six orbs that float around the room. 

Stepping inside, Wind Dancer takes a deep breath. WIth a countdown clock set, and her eyes on the high scores for completing this course set by Storm and Northstar, she does some last-minute stretches. 

The countdown completes and Sofia runs through the course. In as fast a time as possible, she must fly through every hoop and touch every orb, all of which are rapidly moving around in an erratic pattern, while withstanding the fans from every corner, and eliminating the sentries. 

While Sofia does cut herself on the final hoop as she attempts to pick up her pace at the end, she otherwise performs nearly flawlessly, gracefully passing through the rest of the hoops and reaching every orb, while using the fans, which are meant to be a hindrance, to eliminate the sentries for her, so she need not even concern herself with them. 

Reaching the end, Sofia looks up with eager eyes and panted breaths to see if she got the high score. She did not. She achieved third place behind Storm and Northstar, but a distant third place. 

SOFIA: “DAMMIT!” 

“Don’t beat yourself up.” Sofia’s eyes widen as Danielle enters. “Well, beat yourself up for breaking the rules about not using the Danger Room and getting detention, but not for your performance. That was excellent, Wind Dancer.” 

Sofia hangs her head in shame. 

SOFIA: “I have had so much more free time to train lately, I thought I could get the number one score, but I didn’t even come close.” 

DANI, giggling: “Oh no, you did better than veteran X-Men like Archangel, Banshee, and Cannonball, but fell short of the fastest man alive and the world’s greatest badass. Such a failure. You should be proud.” 

SOFIA, sighing, but able to smile: “Thank you Ms. Moonstar, but I won’t be proud until I’m the best.” 

“You know you already are to me, Beautiful.” 

That is said over the Danger Room’s intercom. Sofia and Dani look up to, of course, find Hellion. Julian is looking down at Sofia with one of the most innocent looks we’ve seen in his eyes, while Sofia looks up at him, unsure of what to feel. 

Dani pats her on the back. 

DANI: “Go deal with your Degrassi nonsense. We’ll talk about your punishment and overly high standards for yourself later.” 

Sofia meets Julian in the control room, with awkwardness filling the air. Julian asks how Sofia is doing. She gives a non-answer. 

SOFIA: “I am…happy to see you’ve recovered. I like your new hands.” 

JULIAN, snorting: “Can’t say I feel the same there, but you do have an eye for spotting the best in things. And in people.” 

Julian steps forward and tells Sofia how sorry he is for how he spoke to her. No one should EVER speak to her like that. He was just going through such a hard time after everything, and he lashed out at her when he shouldn’t have. If he wanted to be alone, he should have just said that. 

JULIAN: “I didn’t mean a thing I said about using you, and I never wanted to actually break up with you. I was just…” Getting the next word out takes a great deal of effort on Julian’s part. “...scared. I’m so sorry, Sofia. Please. Give me one more chance.” 

Sofia, wide-eyed, stammers as she struggles to find what she wants to say. Eventually, she steps forward and takes Julian’s hands. His eyes light up. But…

SOFIA: “I am sorry, Julian. I’m sorry for what happened to you, and I’m sorry I have to tell you this…but I cannot keep playing your games.” 

JULIAN: “What?”

SOFIA: “Everyone has different sides to them. The sides of you I usually see…I love.” She may as well have just plunged a knife through this boy’s heart. “But the other sides of you, the sides I feared for how they would impact me…they scare me more than ever.” Sofia pulls away. “You may not have meant it, but you broke my heart. I can’t go through that again.” 

Sofia flies off, as a destroyed Julian falls to his knees. 

On one of Emma’s jets, which naturally has an all-white interior, Scott notes how much more lavish it is than the jets Xavier would charter when he’d take either him and the rest of the 05 on a rare vacation, or when he’d take him and Jean with him to observe him in Washington. Emma replies that she’d HOPE she had better taste than that fossil. 

Emma tells Scott that she has work to do since she wasn’t exactly planning on taking a flight to China today. Scott says that’s fine, as he’s not exactly without a workload either. 

EMMA, as they both pull out their laptops: “Credit where it’s due, running your criminal business on the opposite end of the world from your legitimate one is an effective way to keep nosey do-gooders from making a connection.” 

CYCLOPS: “You know you don’t always have to praise the villains’ plans and say things like that, right?” 

EMMA: “Yes, but your nose crinkles in the most laughable way when i do, so I’m afraid I’m left with no choice.” 

Scott laughs that off as the two begin working in silence…but Scott still has something on his mind. 

CYCLOPS: ‘Sorry. One more thing.” 

Emma sighs and gestures for him to proceed. 

Scott explains how he’s never been Mr. Popular. He’s always been the one to make the responsible calls that pissed people off. But at the end of the day, everyone, except sometimes Logan, knew he was their friend, and they respected him. Now though? He thinks he’s on the verge of losing Storm and Kitty for good if he doesn’t do something. And after this morning, he has no idea where he stands with Sunspot. 

SCOTT: “How do you deal with everyone hating you?” 

Without a word, Emma reaches into her bag and paws around it. Scott questions what she’s doing. Emma proceeds to leave cocaine on the table in between them. 

SCOTT: “Really?” 

EMMA: “Just don’t overdo it.” 

Scott glares at the coke with disgust before just hopping back onto his laptop. Emma is amused. 

In the school’s gymnasium, Laura is training Sofia in H2H combat. Or, at least, that’s what they usually come here to do. Today, while they are sparring, Sofia is talking nonstop about all the confusing emotions going through her head right now. How she still hates Julian, how she still cares about him so much, if she should feel bad for holding what he said in the wake of his injury against him, etc. 

Laura doesn’t have anything to say to any of this, acting as a sounding wall for her as she blocks all of her attacks, but while she can handle fighting and listening, here, she’s being forced to fight and listen, while Sofia makes repeated contact with her as she sweats profusely in her workout bra and tiny shorts, and shouts in her harmonic voice. 

Laura’s face is bright red. 

It’s in this moment of distraction that Sofia is able to land a clean kick on Laura’s stomach, and slightly knock her back. 

Sofia cheers at this success, this being the first time she’s been able to hit her like that. Laura, tugging on her hair, tries to compose herself as she congratulates her (she doesn’t do a very good job). 

LAURA: “You’re a natural.” 

SOFIA: “I’ve read that fighting is much like dancing. Once I’ve learned the basics, I think I might ask Mr. Da Costa to teach me capoeira.” 

Laura nods but tells her not to push herself. Unlike her, even with everything she’s been through, Sofia still has time to enjoy being a kid. Sofia falls backward and catches herself, floating on her back in mid-air. She knows she might be overdoing it, but it’s the only thing that takes her mind off Julian. She asks Laura what she thinks she should do as she swirls some wind around Laura so she can sit down in mid-air next to her. 

Laura doesn’t blame Julian for anything he said because of his injury. It was her fault he was put in that position, so if she should be mad at anyone, it’s her. It comes down to trust. It’s about whether Sofia can trust his darker sides to never come for her, and if she can trust her, Laura doesn’t think she should have a problem trusting Julian. Sofia doesn’t think that makes sense, but…

LAURA: “You’ve seen Julian at his worst. You haven’t seen me at half of mine.” 

Sofia is left to think, Laura lying back next to her. 

In Shanghai, Scott and Emma walk down a busy street as they approach Sublime’s building, Emma wrinkling her nose at the smell of all the street food. Scott reminds her this is part of the local culture, and it’s not even like all of this food is cheap, but Emma says she’ll stick with her usual tables in this city. 

Changing the subject, Scott asks about the drugs from the plane. No personal judgement, they’re both adults who’ve done worse things than a party drug, but it isn’t exactly responsible to be doing cocaine while teaching and regularly going into combat. Emma explains that, no, she doesn’t do cocaine. Anymore. Back in her Hellfire days, she was a right addict. She’s clean now, but having it around…

Emma trails off. 

SCOTT: “Having it around…what?” 

Emma takes a moment to respond. 

EMMA: “Not important.” 

The two arrive at Sublime Corp. Scott holds the door open for Emma and they pass through the lobby up to the receptionist. She asks if they have an appointment and, with a small psychic suggestion, she knows they do. As she looks up at Scott and Emma to tell them Mr. Sublime will see them right away, we see that Emma is masking the two telepathically as unrecognizable businesspeople. 

SCOTT: “I should not be okay with you doing that.” 

EMMA: “And yet…” 

The two march off toward the stairs. 

In the library, Cessily is calmly studying with her headphones on, while bopping her head to the Washingtons’ music. She’s seated at a table with Pixie, Rubbermaid, and Preview, who are also studying. Their study session is interrupted when Hellion flies in fast enough to send their books flying. 

Cessily takes off her headphones and shouts at Julian for this, but, rather than apologize, he just says he needs her help. Please. 

Cessily sighs and asks her friends to give them a few minutes. As the other girls get up, Preview slaps Julian. 

JULIAN: “Oh come on! I thought we had a good time!” 

RUBBERMAID, whispering to Pixie: “I heard Sofia broke up with him because of his tiny wiener.” 

PIXIE: “Hee hee. Weiner.” 

Once they’re gone, Julian sits down next to Cessily and tells her how Sofia turned him down. 

CESSILY: “Shocking.” 

JULIAN: “Ah, come on, be nice.” 

She’s the only person he trusts who currently has a girlfriend, so he wants her advice on what he should do. It’s not like he can just pull the same thing he did at the dance again. 

CESSILY: “Hmm. I know you didn’t mean it, but you said some pretty awful things to her. Maybe the best thing you can do is start from scratch. Prove to her you’re still the good guy she fell for, even if it takes a few months.” 

JULIAN: “Months?!” 

“What’s this?” 

“Cessily Kincaid giving bad advice?” 

“I’m shocked.” 

Julian and Cessiy glare as they’re approached by the Cuckoos. 

CESSILY: “What do you want now?” 

SOPHIE: “We sensed desperation.” 

ESME: “We thought it might be good for a lark.” 

PHOEBE: “And it was!” 

The five-in-one laugh. 

IRMA: “We also needed to get some books.” 

For apparently saying something wrong, Phoebe nudges Irma with her elbow. 

Julian tells them that they haven’t met before, but this is none of their business, and after what they put his friends through, nothing about his life ever will be. So buzz off. 

The Cuckoos, still smirking, casually shrug as they walk off. 

JULIAN: “What’s their deal, anyway?”

CESSILY: “Don’t worry about it. Now, where were we?” 

JULIAN: “Oh, um, right. Months?!” 

At Sublime Corp, Scott and Emma, in telepathic disguise, are welcomed by the corporation’s eponymous CEO, who brandishes his trademark smile. He says he doesn’t remember his assistant mentioning she’d scheduled a meeting for him with representatives of Kilgore Arms, but hey, everybody makes mistakes. 

SCOTT, telepathically: “Picking anything up from him?” 

EMMA, telepathically: “No, but I’m not sensing any normal mental defenses either.” 

SUBLIME, sitting behind his desk: “Please, have a seat. My condolences about your CEO’s recent disappearance. Who knows what could have befallen him?” 

The X-couple take their seats. 

SCOTT: “It’s always difficult to lose familiar leadership.” 

EMMA: “But it opens up all sorts of wonderful opportunities.” 

He asks what they’d like to discuss. Seeing how his company is purely in the Meditech field, he’s guessing they’re interested in purchasing either some of their research or patents to use in their weapons. 

Emma tells him that while much of his research could be of value to them, they’re more interested in his “extra-curricular” activities. 

SCOTT, doing his best to act evil: “We know you’re behind the U-Men and the assault on the Cockrum Mental Hospital. The operation may not have been a success, but we were most impressed by what we read. Mutants are a scourge, and your tools may be the key to escalating the war against them.” 

EMMA: “Of course, Kilgore Arms is prepared to pay handsomely for any samples you’re willing to part with.” 

Sublime laughs. He should have expected as much. Honestly, he’d hoped to have launched his next attack by now, but he didn’t want to send his boys and girls out into the field again half-cocked. 

SUBLIME: “I do have to disagree about one thing. Mutants being a “scourge”. Some of them can make quite good friends.” 

The door to Sublime’s office creaks open as a brain in a jar floats in. John introduces Scott and Emma to Martha Johannason. Scott nearly loses his cool and drops his act when, along with being appalled at this being done to one of his people at all, he notices a substantial laceration on her, which Beto hadn’t mentioned. Emma is able to calm him telepathically before he does something stupid. 

As Martha floats over to Sublime’s side, he says she’s his right-hand girl and invaluable to his research. She volunteered to be his test subject, agreeing with his philosophy that it isn’t fair for only people like her to have powers, and while the tests did cost her her body, she’s perfectly happy as she is now. 

EMMA: “I notice a cut on her. Has she been engaged in combat since taking that form?” 

SUBLIME: “Oh, no, no. She was aiding me with an operation and didn’t quite meet the standards I held her to. I trust after this lesson, she won’t make that mistake again. Right, sweetie?” 

Martha’s tank bubbles. 

EMMA, giggling: “Finding good help can be so difficult,  can’t it?” 

SCOTT, through grit teeth: “Indeed.” 

Sublime says that now would be the part where he asks what Kilgore Arms is willing to offer him, but, of course…

SUBLIME: “You’re not with Kilgore Arms.” 

A chill runs down Scott and Emma’s spines as they’re frozen in place, and Emma’s illusion is broken. 

SUBLIME: “Cyclops. Emma Frost. I’ve so been looking forward to meeting the both of you.” 

Unable to move, Scott and Emma sneer at the monster sitting in front of them.

In the library, Julian exclaims to Cessily that he can’t just go back to being Sofia’s friend, or maybe even something lower than that. There are only a few months left in the school year, then he’s going home for the Summer, and in all that time, Sofia could meet someone else. 

Cessily isn’t sure what else to tell him. Dramatic displays and forcing himself on her aren’t going to work on Sofia. 

JULIAN: “I can’t take that risk! There has to be something else I can do. I…I love her.” 

Cessily’s eyes widen. 

CESSILY: “Seriously? Or, like, do you mean in a cheesy first-teen love kind of way?” 

JULIAN, shaking his head, looking as stunned by what he just said as Cess does: “No. No, I think I mean it. Shit.” 

Cessily stretches her arms across the table and grabs Julian’s cheeks, practically squealing. 

CESSILY, grinning: “THEN TELL HER THAT, YOU IDIOT!!!” 

JULIAN: “Yeah? That won’t just make things worse?” 

CESSILY: “Sofia is the straightest girl I’ve ever met. I don’t think there’s anything in the world she wants more than for you to tell her that.” 

Julian’s face lights up. Okay! He will tell her. He just needs to find the right moment. He thanks Cessily for her help, but as he tries to fly off, she shapeshifts into a net and catches him in it. 

CESSILY: “No going anywhere till you clean those books. I’m not getting in trouble with Mahn Cao Thi Xuan because of you.” 

Cessily shapeshifts back to normal and wishes Julian luck, before going to find her friends. Julian calls out to her as she walks off not to tell Rubbermaid what he’s planning; that girl can’t keep her mouth shut. 

Julian starts putting the books back on their shelves with his telekinesis as he just repeats, “Sofia, I love you” over and over again under his breath. 

In Sublime’s office, John taunts Scott and Emma. That was a very nice illusion they had going, one Martha wouldn’t have been able to see through. 

SUBLIME, as Scott and Emma struggle to move: “She specializes in…other parts of the brain.” 

Fortunately for him, he has other ways of detecting Mutants. Scott questions what those would be, but Sublime is afraid he only shares information like that with his business partners, not those impersonating them. And especially not those who’ve put his treasured men and women in prison. 

As he glares at Emma, she turns her eyes away and looks at Martha. 

EMMA, telepathically: “Martha, darling, I don’t believe a word he said about you. Whatever this awful man is doing to make you work for him, we can help you.” 

Sublime slaps Emma across the face, telling her to pay attention to HIM. Scott shouts at Sublime not to touch her, but John just uppercuts him, drawing blood and knocking him over in his chair. 

Sublime laughs. These two have some of the most incredible gifts in the world. Maybe he’s a little greedy, but after they’re dead and taken apart, he thinks he may take Emma’s brain and Scott’s eyes for himself. 

SUBLIME: “I don’t think I need the diamond form though. I’m untouchable enough as is.” He snaps his fingers. “Joanna’s been a good girl! She’ll love those genes.” 

Scott tells him that even if he does kill them, the rest of the X-Men know they came here and will be able to find all the evidence they need to hand him over to SHIELD. 

Sublime shakes his head. If they think he fears either of them…

Sublime momentarily disintegrates into microscopic particles before reforming just as quickly. 

SUBLIME: “Then you really don’t have a clue what you’re up against.” He claps his hands. “Now then, Martha. Make them fight to the death.”

Scott and Emma grimace as they’re both puppeteered to their feet. 

In Julian’s bedroom…

JULIAN, with the widest eyes: “Sofia, I know you’re mad, rightfully so, but there’s something you need to know: I love you.” 

We then see he isn’t actually talking to Sofia yet, but Brian, who he’s practicing on, and who’s seated on his bed eating a bag of chips. 

BRIAN: “Man, you really need another guy friend to do this kind of thing with. This isn’t fair.” 

Julian laughs, not apologizing, and says he thinks he’s ready. Now, he just needs to find her. 

Julian flies out of the room, but before he can find Sofia, he receives a message in his head. 

“You can do better.” 

Julian groans, recognizing the voices, and asks the Cuckoos what they want. 

The Cuckoos tell him it’s exactly as they said. Sofia may do well in class, in combat, and be popular, but from what they can see, she doesn’t treat him very well. Dancing with his heart for a whole semester and then after finally letting him in, abandoning him days later over his reaction to a traumatic injury? 

SOPHIE: “That’s simply cruel.” 

CELESTE: “Cruel, but hilarious.” 

PHOEBE: “We’d never do that someone we actually cared about though.” 

Julian’s flight is stopped as the Cuckoos stand in his way down a hallway. He plants his feet on the floor. He tells them to buzz off again. If they’re in his head, then they know he loves her. 

The Cuckoos laugh. He may love her, but what makes him think she loves him? 

ESME: “Would you like to hear what she’s thought about you?” 

The Cuckoos play in Julian’s head the rage in Sofia’s mind over how much she hated him and how she was such a fool to ever waste her time on him, from back when she was shouting at them over Roxy, followed by what she was thinking earlier today. 

Julian is deeply pained as he hears this. 

The Cuckoos circle him. 

IRMA: “We still wish to be friends with Bling!” 

SOPHIE: “Mercury proved she’s worth our time as well.” 

CELESTE: “Dust seems cool.” 

PHOEBE: “And every ladder needs someone like Tag at the bottom.” 

ESME: “Don’t waste your time on the girl who will never accept you as you are.” 

PHOEBE: “Or the ugly, blue-haired bitch who tried to kill you while you were recovering.” 

Julian, tensing up and charging up energy, grits his teeth and says he’s not going to fall for whatever their game is here. They tell him there’s no game. He’s the only guy here worth their time. And together, along with his “crew”, they could rule this place. 

Julian shakes his head, telling them to leave him alone as he tries to walk past them, only for Sophie to plant a kiss on his lips. Julian is left stunned. The other four Cuckoos smirk. 

SOPHIE: “We’ve been inside your head. We’ve seen how bad you can be. And we like it. Doesn’t that sound preferable to chasing the tail of a girl who will never love all parts of you?” 

Julian growls as he launches them all into the walls, and finally flies away from them. The Cuckoos scoff as they dust themselves off, in disbelief that didn’t work. 

Only for them to grin, as Julian returns a moment later. It’s unclear what he wants. 

In Sublime’s office, he cackles as Martha forces Scott and Emma to slug it out, Emma is able to hit hard enough but clearly comes out of the exchange of blows worse, pissing Scott off more than anything. 

SUBLIME: “Come now, Martha, get more creative. I want more than just punches.” 

As the combat gets slightly more imaginative, Scott and Emma get covered in each other’s blood. 

SCOTT, telepathically: “Please tell me you’re getting close to breaking her grip on us.” 

EMMA, telepathically: “I wish I could. Charles’ “Red Triangle Defense” isn’t working either, I gather?” 

A kick to the balls keeps Scott from answering but causes Sublime to guffaw. 

SUBLIME: “That’s enough. Finish them.” 

As Scott and Emma pant and look desperately into each other’s eyes…

EMMA, telepathically: “What I was saying before. About my drugs. In the past, when I held all the power in the world, and yet had no control over my own life, they were an escape for me. They made me feel like I was more than Shaw’s puppet. I hold onto them as a reminder of that time. Of how I can never allow myself to fall back into that position. The White Queen stands tall on her own. At least, that’s what I thought I had to do. You absolute bloody dork.” 

SCOTT, telepathically: “My entire life was dictated by a man who saw me as a soldier in his war first and a child second. He made me someone I may never have become of my own choice. I was denied that choice. I was denied control. Until I met you. You uptight, condescending witch.” 

The two rush each other and beat each other even more violently than previously. 

EMMA: “We decide our fates.” 

CYCLOPS: “No one tells us what to do.” 

EMMA AND SCOTT: “Never again.” 

Emma’s power signature lights up and a thin red light surrounds Scott, at the exact same time, and Sublime’s face falls as that shouldn’t be happening. 

SUBLIME: “Martha! Toss them out the window! Now!” 

He’s too late. A psychic blowback sends Sublime and Martha flying back into a wall. Scott and Emma, barely standing and leaning on each other, approach Sublime. He taunts that he’ll just have to kill them himself before being blasted unconscious by Cyclops’ concussive beams and Emma’s psychic lightning. 

Scott and Emma take each other’s hands as they pant. 

EMMA: “You asked me how I deal with everyone hating me. It is because I own my life. What anyone else thinks of what I do is of no importance.” 

SCOTT: “I see. Does that include me?” 

EMMA, calmly laughing: “Less than most.” 

Suddenly, Sublime springs back to his feet. Scott and Emma are ready to hit him again, but he begs them not to. 

“Sublime”: “Please..please don’t hurt me. I’m sorry. I…I just want to go home.” 

Scott looks to Emma with concern and Emma nods before approaching “him”. 

EMMA: “Do not worry, Martha. We are not angry. No one will ever hurt you again. No one will ever make you hurt others again. We promise.” 

At the school, Scott and Emma, all bandaged up, introduce Matha to Karma. She’ll get to see more of Emma in telepathy class, but given the similarities between their gifts, and her needing a more tender hand, they believe she’ll be happiest on Xuan’s squad. Xuan leads her away enthusiastically, leading her to go meet her new best friends. 

Once on their own, Scott brings up that they still don’t know what Sublime was really after, but hopefully, once SHIELD figures out what exactly he is, if not a Mutant, they’ll be able to get to the bottom of things. In the meantime, hunting down the remaining U-Men should be their priority. 

SCOTT: “But right now…” 

Scott smirks and whips out two tickets. Emma points out that they’re not exactly in any condition to go out right now, with Scott saying they’re for next month. In Berlin. 

EMMA, smirking: “Better.” 

Scott understands why Emma keeps the drugs on her. He does. But he knows she’s never going to let anyone control her again. Least of all him. Whenever she’s ready, he’ll help her get rid of them. 

Emma nods, appreciating it, clearly more than she’s willing to express. The only thing she’s still curious about is what he’s going to do about Storm, Kitty, and Beto. 

Scott responds by leaning in and kissing Emma. They’re his friends. In Storm’s case, maybe the closest friend he has. But he doesn’t need them to like him right now. He knows they won’t go quitting over personal reasons. And soon enough, they’ll move on. 

EMMA: “And if they don’t?” 

SCOTT: “Let’s hope it never comes to that.” 

The two walk off together. 

In Sofia and Noriko’s room, Sofia sits cross-legged in mid-air in deep thought, while Noriko tries and fails to toss goldfish in the air and catch them in her mouth. The awkward silence is brought  to an end when Sofia plants her feet on the floor, lights up her face, and declares that she’s made up her mind. 

NORIKO: “You’re swearing off men for good?” 

A goldfish lands right on and bounces off of Noriko’s forehead. 

SOFIA: “No. Just the opposite.” 

Sofia flies off and Noriko reluctantly follows her. They reach Julian and Brian’s room, only to find they aren’t there. When they question where they are, a telepathic message plays. Not just in their heads, but in every student’s. 

CUCKOOS: “Hello students of Xaviers. We are the Stepford Cuckoos. We are your newest classmates, and it is all about time you understand who we are. We are better than you. We are more powerful than you. And we are not alone. We have read every single one of your minds. We know all of your deepest, darkest secrets. From now on, we own you all. Failure to comply with whatever we tell you or reporting our “bad behavior” to a teacher will result in all of your secrets entering every other student’s mind. You may not know us yet. That will change. For now, you know our new friends.” 

As this speech has been going on, Sofia and Noriko, both pissed, have been running around, trying to find the Cuckoos. When they do, they find them confidently walking down the halls, alongside Cessily, Roxy, Brian, Sooraya, and Julian, who’s making out with Sophie. 

Sofia’s heart falls. Noriko takes her hand. Both are in shock at what they’re seeing. 

As the new crew struts past the bewildered girls, Julian only stops to whisper, “Ladies” in the most douchey way possible. 

CUCKOOS: “From now on, this school belongs to the Hellions.” 

[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 01/07/2023 (Stormzy/Fredo, Nicki Minaj/Ice Spice/Aqua)

Content warning: Brief mentions of apartheid, sex and Drake

For a fourth consecutive week, the dynamic duo of Dave and Central Cee hold onto #1 on the UK Singles Chart with “Sprinter” and welcome back to REVIEWING THE CHARTS!

Rundown

As always, we start with our notable dropouts, songs exiting the UK Top 75 - which is what I cover - after five weeks in the region or a peak in the top 40. This week, that list includes “messy in heaven” by venbee and goddard. (just in time, more from venbee later), “Chemical” by Post Malone, “Green Green Grass” by George Ezra and “Whistle” by Jax Jones featuring Calum Scott, as well as “It’s Crazy” by J Hus, “Can’t Tame Her” by Zara Larsson, “Hell n Back” by Bakar and “Last Night” by Morgan Wallen. These are mostly long-running hits, all getting pushed out this week thanks to the impact of Glastonbury and some other gains that have the chart kind of in a hectic state this week despite the lack of many new entries.

That hectic state led to some of last week’s debuts dropping disproportionately hard, though something tells me the songs themselves are kind of at fault too, not really resonating as well as they could have, especially for songs such as “Attention” by Doja Cat or “Don’t Say Love” by Leigh-Anne both safely outside of the top 40. With that said, I don’t really cover losers but rather notable gains filling in the gaps, and we do see boosts for “UNAVAILABLE” by Davido featuring Musa Keys at #60, “Sittin’ on Top of the World” by Burna Boy at #39 partly thanks to a remix with 21 Savage that doesn’t really work, “umean” by Gunna at #22, “Popular” by The Weeknd, Playboi Carti and Madonna at #18, “0800 HEAVEN” by Nathan Dawe, Joel Corry and Ella Henderson at #13, “Cruel Summer” by Taylor Swift at #12 and Peggy Gou grabbing her first top 10 hit with “(It Goes Like) Nanana” at #9, which is great. We also see a lot of returning entries in relation to Glastonbury performances, like “Do I Wanna Know?” by the Arctic Monkeys back at #70 (it peaked at #11 in 2013), “Sweet Child o’ Mine” by Guns n’ Roses at #40 with its 210th week on the chart (it peaked at #6 in 1988, my favourite of theirs is “Estranged”) and “Until I Found You” by Stephen Sanchez back at a new peak of #14 thanks to his performance with Sir Elton John, who also sees two of his top 10s return to the top 40: 2021’s #1 “Cold Heart” (PNAU Remix) with Dua Lipa at #30, and 1983’s #4 “I’m Still Standing” at #34. Lewis Capaldi’s set at Glastonbury was particularly notable when it was complicated by a Tourette’s episode, and with no pun intended, I wish him the best, and I’m sure his fans do too since “Wish You the Best” is up to #43 and we see returns for “Forget Me” at #63 and “Someone You Loved” at #49. Hopefully I haven’t missed anything.

The top five on this week’s UK Singles Chart is immune to all the nonsense below it, as it consists of “Dancing is Healing” by Rudimental, Vibe Chemistry and Charlotte Plank at #5, “Giving Me” by Jazzy at #4, “Miracle” by Calvin Harris and Ellie Goulding at #3, “Who Told You” by J Hus featuring Drake at #2 and of course, “Sprinter” at #1. Now to get into our small but still kind of unusual batch of new entries.

NEW ARRIVALS

#73 - “die young” - venbee and Rudimental

Produced by Rudimental and Digital Farm Animals

venbee is back for the follow-up to “messy in heaven”… yay? I’ve not been impressed by anything they’ve put out yet, but maybe this collaboration with Rudimental will deliver? Given their recent output, I kind of doubt it but I can hope this is a more unique song from them. Yeah, it’s not. The religious imagery is back but it doesn’t nicely fit with the rest of the content so it feels a bit tacky, especially with the very typical acoustic guitar frolick that I figured venbee was at least slightly above, but this is very typical UK pop, and she just sounds like Anne-Marie here… without whatever remnant of personality she commands at her best. It’s drenched in reverb and everything as a result feels underweight, even the drum and bass drop which feels half-empty with venbee just repeating the refrain in the most deadpan way possible over a rote breakbeat loop. I like the constant presence of the warping bass, but it has no room being here - however under-emphasised - on such an airy, barely existent track. Drum and bass had a nice revival but if it’s going to end with the overly pop-infused dreck that killed it back in the mid-2010s, then I guess it’s time for this second revival to either stop dead in its tracks or come up with some desperate new ideas.

#65 - “Oh U Went” - Young Thug featuring Drake

Produced by FNZ, Metro Boomin and BoogzDaBeast

Young Thug’s new album BUSINESS IS BUSINESS released last Friday - probably in attempt to pay for those legal fees - and it charted only at #15 on the UK albums chart but will probably fare much better in the US. I’m a Thugger fan so you can call me easily pleased but I did think it was a great album, maintaining a pretty interesting balance between the slightly grimmer production and Thug’s typical posturing. In simple terms, it went hard and “Oh U Went”, even if it’s the obvious pop hit, definitely fits into that category. The filtered Stylistics sample is cute, especially with the little chipmunk vocal blip, and the strings command the style and… class of the song pretty well. This definitely isn’t one of Thugger’s best performances on the record, as he essentially just… says nonsense, I can’t lie, none of this makes sense, and it’s probably not supposed to. Every line is punctuated with an “ayy” or “oh” to make it seem a lot more cohesive though, and his flow is as infectious as it usually is. Really, the star of the show here is Drake, who deviates from the flow of the rest of the song for what might be his most awake-sounding verse in years. I’m never into his brand of flexing, but the rhyme schemes are tight, the punchlines are typical corny Drake stuff that’s just vaguely clever enough to make it fit for an Instagram caption and well, he actually sounds energised on this, for the first time in what seems like forever. This is far from my favourite track on the album - I much prefer the darker menace on songs like “Money on the Dresser”, “Wit da Racks”, “Uncle M”, “Want Me Dead”, “Mad Dog” and “Jonesboro”, but even when it comes to the flashier pop-rap sparkle that Thugger can express on occasion, the (sadly) Dr. Luke-produced “Went Thru It” is much groovier and has one of Thug’s most enthusiastic performances on the album. I wouldn’t be surprised if a sleeper hit from the album ended up charting afterwards, but for now, “Oh U Went” is a fine selection.

#55 - “Makeba” - Jain

Produced by Yodelice

Okay, this is going to require a whole lot of context that I’m far from the best person to provide. Miriam Makeba is a legendary South African singer known for fighting for civil rights both at home against the apartheid regime as well as in the US, with both South Africa and America having governments hostile to her for her activism despite calling both places home. She did live to see the end of apartheid, dying in 2008, but is mostly remembered for her powerful breakthrough during that era. Though she had success on the Billboard Hot 100, she never crossed over properly to the UK. Fast forward to 2015, wherein French singer Jain, releases a tribute which charts in Belgium, Scotland and her home country, peaking at #7 in France. The song definitely emulates Afrobeat to an extent, with the squelching horns and bassline - which is incredible - as well as the belting voice lines that… made me realise I’d already heard this, specifically in adverts. The song is not necessarily a tribute to her activism but rather her music, with the song mostly focusing on Mama Africa’s ability to make the whole word dance, making really awkward connections to what she stood for - that first verse, calling Makeba the “real beauty of human rights” and saying that she wants to “feel oppressed”, sounds very misguided at best and exploitative at worst. It’s also pretty stiff for a song about dancing, or at least vaguely about dancing, since she also mentions how Makeba’s smile just made the “sufferation of a thousand more” go. Vanish. Disappear. Yeah, that’s how it works. The song ends with a really strange, bubbly outro with the hook repeating in reversed form and I really find myself scratching my head why this recent TikTok virality has translated into streams. It’s catchy, it’s got a great bassline, but as a full song, it runs out of ideas quickly, and it just feels kind of icky and weirdly insubstantial. This isn’t an album cut either, it was released as a single, so the fault can’t really be placed on the audience for that. I understand the appeal - vaguely - but I’m really not a fan.

#25 - “Barbie World” - Nicki Minaj, Ice Spice and Aqua

Produced by RIOTUSA

Now, I know this may sound strange but… I’m here for cynical commercial shills. If they’re as ridiculous as this one is, I’m kind of fine with them, and Nicki Minaj is definitely no stranger to outright ridiculous pop music, as well as the Barbie moniker, so it makes complete sense for her to take her protégé Ice Spice and make a stupid pop song for the Barbie movie. I love pop music, but I more importantly love pop culture, and “Barbie World” being an officially-licensed drill remix of “Barbie Girl” by Danish pop group Aqua, a song that Mattel initially hated and sued for due to copyright infringement back in 1997, which in itself was an obnoxiously camp parody of the reputation of the Barbie doll brand. For the record, I love the original song, though I prefer “My Oh My” in terms of that first Aqua album. This new single is just a comical late-stage capitalism output of music, and if I’m completely honest with you, “Barbie World” ends up feeling kind of dystopian. This sugar rush of a song is actually kind of well-constructed on paper: just take the hook from the original, which spent four weeks at #1 in the UK during November of 1997, and place a drill beat over it, with one verse each from Nicki and ice Spice, and a hook where they casually trade off bars… then given it’s Nicki, that goes out of the window. The sparkly sample is saturated and drowned out by overly mechanic drill 808s and percussion, and then  we get to the girls and… oh, gosh. The very mission statement - “I’m bad like the Barbie” - sounds kind of stupid anyway, and then we have Nicki’s surprisingly explicit sex bars over the intense Jersey club rhythm of her verse right after some really awkward flowing in the first half. Ice Spice actually shows up Nicki here pretty badly, as her unaffected staccato is much more fit for drill, and whilst I’d like her to sound a little bit more upbeat on a Goddamn “Barbie Girl” sample, her little awkward silences add some needed dynamics and the flow switch when the Jersey club rhythm kicks back in is really solid and focused, leading to a great pay-off in the final chorus. This song is a complete mess, and was probably intended to be for virality’s sake, but I can’t pretend I don’t get a lot of fascinated giggles from this. It’s Aqua’s first UK chart hit since 2000, and probably their last - I don’t even know why they’re credited - and what better way to return to the charts than for one final swing of chaos? I just love and hate that this exists, and Nicki’s Eurodance hellscapes are not going anywhere soon if “Endless Fashion” is anything to go by, so I guess that’s just the motif for this era. Jesus Christ.

#11 - “Toxic Trait” - Stormzy featuring Fredo

Produced by Dave

#11 seems kind of low for a collaboration between three of the biggest UK rappers out now, especially considering it fits in with trends considering the vintage strings being dominated by a guttural 808 and oddly flippery drill hi-hats. To be fair, I kind of get why people aren’t as quick to appreciate this as much as, say, “Sprinter” - Stormzy’s cold delivery is particularly deadpan here, and the chorus is an overly long mess of flows that never really catch on properly. He doesn’t have a second verse either, with Fredo handling the second and he’s honestly never fit that well on drill beats due to how tight it requires his flow to be, and he’s always been a bit looser in his delivery. I understand why Stormzy figures he’d need to do a little bit of back-pedalling after the mostly conscious R&B album he released last year, but he really doesn’t seem to have his heart in it. This is mediocre at best.

Conclusion

Again, kind of an unusual batch but the best and worst end up coming out pretty easily. Jain gets Worst of the Week for “Makeba” with the Dishonourable Mention ending up going to “die young” by venbee and Rudimental, whilst the Best of the Week - somehow - ends up in Nicki Minaj’s court for “Barbie World” with Ice Spice and Aqua, as Young Thug and Drake snab a quick Honourable Mention for “Oh U Went”. As for what’s on the horizon, Olivia Rodrigo and Lil Uzi Vert are coming so prepare for that, I suppose. For now, thank you for reading and I’ll see you next week!

[agorejessstone]

Duskwood: Remembering Duskwood Part 6

EPISODE 1 - 10 SPOILERS

As we arrived home, I carefully considered my options. Jake had been kind, offering to sleep on the couch, but was that really what I wanted? I couldn’t be sure. On one hand, it often felt like things were moving extremely fast between us. On the other, we’re both adults. I for one had enough experience to know that this sort of thing happens when it’s supposed to. Most of the time, anyway.

As we exited the car making our way towards the front door, hand in hand, I slowed my pace. Once we were inside, what would happen next? Was I nervous? Apprehensive? Excited? I really couldn’t tell. I’d just had my first real date with MY hacker, and I was still reeling from the kiss, but overall, my mind had settled in the meantime. Until now, that is.

What does he want? What is he thinking? He was so hard to read. I’d thought that his little “flaw” would translate to him being an expert in person, but I found that it was more the opposite. I could somewhat understand his thoughts, just by looking into his eyes, but when it came to us; I was more confused than ever. Did that mean he was confused too?

I fumbled with the keys at the door, nearly dropping them as I flipped through to the correct one. One hand occupied by his, the other carefully navigating the keys, I felt a tug on my arm, sending them toppling to the ground. The stars and greenery spun as I found myself suddenly pressed against Jake’s chest. As I peered up at him, he avoided my gaze.

“Jake?” I narrowed my eyes in the darkness, trying to read him.

“I…” he chewed his lip nervously, “I want to do this right.”

“Do what right, Jake?” I wrapped my free hand around him, gently rubbing his back in circles.

“I’ve been trying to make this date as normal as possible. For all we know, this could be the only typical date we go on, ever.” It was hard to tell under the cover of night, but his voice gave him away. He was overly emotional.

“Jake, I’ve been on a decent number of dates, and this one has been far from normal.”

He shifted uncomfortably, “It wasn’t? Am I really that out of touch?”

“That’s not at all what I meant.” I cupped his cheek running my thumb beneath his eye, “This was the most amazing date of my life. Honest. Those other dates don’t compare to this one bit. If you wanted this to be more traditional, you’ve done just that, but most guys, they don’t even care to put in the effort, you know?”

I felt his face crinkle beneath my touch as he smiled gently, his face barely visible under the moonlight, “How do you do this to me?”

“Whatever do you…”

Before I could finish my snarky reply, his lips were crashing down upon me. For a moment, I forgot how to breathe, relying solely on his lips to keep me alive. Sparks ignited somewhere within my chest, sending waves of electricity through my veins. My hands sought him out, gripping onto every bit of fabric they could find, slipping their way beneath his hoodie. His chest and abs were surprisingly sculpted, and his shoulders were far broader than I expected. I’d only ever seen him in this damn hoodie, so I truly didn’t know what to expect.

As we broke apart, gasping for air, clinging to each other, his eyes focused on mine, searching for something. Whatever it was, he seemed to have found it as he let go just long enough to snag the keys from the ground and cram them into the lock. As the door swung open, he lifted me from the ground, carrying me across the entryway.

“Is this okay?” He mumbled as he kissed down my neck and past my collarbone, nipping here and there.

Words escaped me. I gave him a quick nod and a breathy sound escaped my lips, encouraging him onward. He set me on my feet somewhere in the hall, and I realized he had absolutely no idea where my bedroom was. Even though the apartment was small, the bedroom door was tucked away near the back. Stumbling over each other, I guided him leaving a trail of clothing in our wake.

“Jake…” I moaned his name as I reached for the handle, hesitating for a moment.

“Yes?” Voice thick with desire, panting, he waited for me to continue.

“Are you sure? I mean, I don’t want to assume, but…”

His response; was a devastatingly passionate kiss. I pushed the door open, backing my way into the room between desperate attempts to stay as close to him as possible. Stumbling over the mess my room had become, we toppled onto the bed, a tangle of limbs. As he hovered over me, in the dim light of a bedside lamp, I realized for the first time since we’d arrived since he’d arrived; I was vulnerable and on full display both physically and mentally.

Suddenly realizing that this was the first time we’d seen each other, at all really, but especially in this state, I was suddenly self-conscious. He could see everything. Every curve, every scar, every stretch mark, every flaw. Was it what he expected? Was it what he wanted? As if responding to my sudden nerves, my body tensed beneath him.

Realizing I was still, he stopped, looking me over, gauging my change, “What’s wrong?”

He tucked a strand of hair behind my ear, one arm beneath me, propping me up against him. I bit my lip trying to gather my thoughts. Everything I thought to say sounded stupid in my head. Of course, he was attracted to me. If he wasn’t, then why would he be… Unless of course, it’s just been that long for him… but then…

My head was a mess like my bed. I’m a lost cause. I’d wanted nothing more than this, all of this since we’d started chatting, but now that it’s happening, is it what he wants? Is this enough for him?

“Jake…” I stumbled over the words cluttering my mind.

“Oh,” as if he’d suddenly realized my predicament, he slipped his arm out from beneath me and pushed away from me, “You’re not sure then?”

“Oh! No, Jake, that’s not it,” Of course, he doesn’t understand.

“Am I not…” He started and I realized that I’d just planted the very same seed in him, that I’d been watering.

“NO!” I bolted upright, “I actually, would you believe me if I told you I’d had the very same thought?”

“What?!” suddenly enraged, but seemingly more with himself, he pushed up from the bed and started pacing around the room.

It took everything in me not to laugh at the situation. Here we were, completely naked, and just like you’d expect, Jake was worried about the same thing I was. As always, we were butting heads over something we both felt the same about. How very us.

“Jake, I’m sorry.” I watched him pace a hole in the floor, “I should know better. You’re here. You risked your life for me. You sacrificed everything for me. 4 years of hiding and protecting yourself and you gave it all up in a matter of weeks. For me.”

“No, this is unacceptable.” He plopped down on the edge of the bed, taking my chin in his hands, “Absolutely unacceptable. I thought I made it overwhelmingly clear that I wanted to be with you, that I was at your mercy! I thought you understood the lengths I would go to see you happy. Seeing you here, like…” His voice falters as he looks me over, and drinks me in for the first time in my entirety, “This.” He swallowed nervously, letting his hand fall away, “If anything you’re too perfect, too amazing, too beautiful. It’s intimidating. What do I have to do to make you realize just how special you are to me? Tell me, Jess. Please. Obviously, I’ve not done something right, or you wouldn’t have even considered that.”

“Jake, you’ve done nothing. This one is on me.” I smiled softly, kissing him carefully, gently. Resting my forehead against his, suddenly everything felt right, peaceful, “Well, there is one thing you could do.”

A thin smile spread across his lips as he lifted me up, gently laying me back on the bed. The rest of the evening was full of passion, heat, and an exorbitant amount of kissing and cuddling. As the sun began to rise, and I began to drift to sleep, a thought crossed my mind.

“Jake.”

“Yes, my love.”

“Don’t we have a flight to catch today?”

He kissed my forehead sleepily and said, “I scheduled it for late evening, just in case.” Comfortable and safe for the first time in what felt like forever, I drifted off to sleep, in the arms of my hacker.

Continue to Part 7

[your-krazy-uncle-bob]

My Life:  Episode 67 “Ruptured Appendix” or why I was gone for a whole week.

I've been having a whole hand full (buttload?) of issues with my GI and overall health the last few months. My appendix ruptured last Tuesday night and I just got out of the hospital. I’m good for now but I’m still not sure there isn't another shoe about to drop. I'm somewhat confident that my exploded appendix was the culprit for much of lingering health issues but my totally insane (hawt) and funny Puerto Rican surgeon said it would be unlikely that an appendix would have deteriorated so slowly. Seems the usual time from first infection to launch is about one week. Mine had apparently ruptured 24 to 36 hours before I allowed the pain and vomiting to propel me into the ER....again. I think they're going to give me my own parking spot at Methodist Emergent care cuz I’m practically an employee by now.

I did some pretty interesting thinking while I laid in that darkened ICU cubicle for the fifth time in 12 months. Especially thinking about the nature of life and death.

Some thoughts:

Much is made of the coming of age we experience around the age of 18. That is the moment when it becomes clear to us, there is more to life than games, mindless entertainment, and keeping the parents happy. You begin to realize that many things are expected of you and it's your job to figure out what those things are. Fortunately many of them offer the possibility of real joy and fulfillment. We are aided in our journey by many who have traveled this path before us leaving a wealth of clues for us to follow. Ninety percent of pulling this period off successfully requires only that we develop some idea of our desired destination and learn that “No” is a complete sentence. No being the great distraction killer.

But I’m learning there is a second coming of age for us. This one comes later in life. Sometime after we turn 60, if we’re lucky to live that long, we begin to realize that our lives, like a good book, have a final chapter, and like it or not we’re probably in the process of writing it. People we love and care for begin randomly disappearing from our lives. The world changes from the old to the new so fast that we are barely able to assimilate the reality of it. That boogeyman that we all used to joke about, mortality, becomes a real honest to God monster. As we look around our sphere of friends it is hard not to wonder….Who’s next?” Many other questions haunt us as well. How many years do I have left? Will I always feel this bad? What have I left undone and what do I need to do to fix it? Am I really forgiven? Can I truly account for this life? Thank you God for the promise of my salvation. How do atheists face this?

I’ve been trying all morning to come up with a good name for this second coming of age. It deserves a name. Something pithy with real sticking power. But I got nothing. I’m hoping this generates some conversation. I know it sounds pretty dark but that is where my head is today. I’ve had another really bad week and I’m struggling to muster my positive life forces. I know God gives us this time of new understanding for a purpose. I’m just not sure what the lesson plan is anymore. The word "why?" stalks me like a wolf. Dostoyevsky once said life is like a play. We all have parts in it, and we know how the play is supposed to end, but nobody gets a script. We have to make that up as we move from scene to scene. I’m just not quite sure what my lines are anymore. Is it exit stage right or left.....or whatever?

So, I beat the grim reaper again. I’m back in the saddle…….but riding on a lame horse. Peace and love to you all with special thanks to those friends who worried and prayed. 

[storytellersumayyah]

THE GUIDE AND THE LIGHT: SEASON ONE, EPISODE TWO

The Guide and The Light are a series of comedic, romantic and soft short stories detailing the representation Muslims want but are never allowed to have. We all deserve to see ourselves fall in love and keep that love. We all deserve to have our beliefs respected and celebrated, instead of treated like a joke or insulted.

It’s about giving my community what they want and turning conversations that shouldn’t have happened in public into something we can all smile at. I hope you enjoy. (I'm also now hoping for monthly updates, or there about, but because this is designed to be fun, that may change. Please be patient.) Also, Eid Mubarak to everyone celebrating, and to everyone whose not, have a gift from me regardless!

read on wattpad instead! | rewatch previous episode | play next episode | view full series

EPISODE TWO: THE MORNING (AND SEVERAL DAYS) AFTER

Yahya woke up first. For a moment, he couldn’t understand why he was so warm, nor why he could definitely feel someone else’s presence.

And then the events of the previous day came rushing back to him and he couldn’t help the way his face split into a grin. He was married. He was Noor’s husband. It was a nice title. He hoped that he would get to keep it for a long time. The old anxiety of not knowing what he was supposed to do, or how to be a good husband, started rising to the surface, but he shoved it down as best he could. Noor had committed to him knowing exactly what he was like, and that was good enough. They would learn how to do things together.

Noor was still asleep, mouth slightly open and hair splayed across the pillow. He brushed some of it out of her eyes, even if it didn’t matter, and kissed her forehead. Because he could. And wasn’t that wonderful? She shifted slightly at the sudden movement occurring, but didn’t react beyond that. Yahya froze in place, not wanting to wake her. He did push the duvet slightly off his body, otherwise he was certain he would overheat. It was nice though, to be so warm.

It was only when the urge to use the bathroom was too strong to avoid that he shimmied out of bed, reminded of when he was a child staying with his grandparents and sharing a bed with one or both of his parents.

When he exited, Noor was sitting up, rubbing her eyes.

“Don’t do that, they’ll start stinging,” he told her automatically.

She dropped her hands. “Oh yeah. I forgot. Salam by the way.”

“Oh right, yes. Salam. How did you sleep?”

“Surprisingly well. You?”

“It was nice,” he confessed.

Noor smiled, and Yahya saw another reason to live. “I’m glad.”

“You look really pretty by the way.”

She snorted. “Yahya, it’s very sweet of you to try and compliment me, but I really don’t.” To Noor, it wasn’t a self-deprecating statement. It was just a fact. She couldn’t always look nice and put together. It would be impossible to do that, but it didn’t mean she didn’t deserve the same love as when she did.

“But you do. I mean- there’s more than one way to be something. And you just look so soft right now. Nothing but pretty is an accurate description.”

Noor’s eyes were as bright as her name. “That’s the nicest thing I’ve ever been told. You look really cute by the way. With your hair.”

Yahya immediately went to flatten it, his cheeks heating up. “Shut up.”

“Oh no. Not happening. I’m your wife now. I’m going to compliment you till you believe me.”

And that was the crux of the matter. Noor would take the compliments because she really did believe them to be true. Yahya couldn’t.

“Okay, fine. This isn’t me accepting it. It’s me trying to move the conversation along. What do you want to do today?”

Noor’s hand went to rub her eyes, but at the last time, she rubbed her arm. “I don’t know. What are you in the mood for?”

Yahya shrugged. “I don’t really know yet.”

“Do you want to go out? I know you prefer keeping to yourself and yesterday was very socially draining. So if you want to spend today just sitting inside and playing on your laptop until it’s time to check out, that’s fine. I think I’d like existing in silence with you.”

Noor’s ability to understand people was something that always stunned Yahya. It also took some of the pressure off him. Sometimes he couldn’t find the words he needed to explain what he was feeling, but with Noor, it didn’t seem like he needed to.

“We can go out. But something simple please?”

“There’s a really pretty park near the hotel. Maybe we can get some snacks, have a mini picnic and then come back? Yesterday was draining, and we need to be checked out by half-four because your dad is going to drop us back at yours, remember?”

In all honesty, Yahya had forgotten he had a life outside of the wedding. But Noor was right. On Monday, she would be back in the office, and he would be spending the entire day trying to remind his students that he was there to teach them about reactions and mols, not gossip about his new status as a married man.

“That sounds perfect,” he said.

Noor gave him a soft smile. He wanted to see all of them. “Great. Can I shower first? I feel sticky.”

He nodded. She kissed him on the cheek as she walked past, hesitant and doubting, but he matched her grin. He felt oddly proud when she ducked her head to hide the fact that she was flustered.

Whilst Noor was showering, Yahya made the bed and packed whatever he could up. When she exited, dressed in a blue dress and moisturiser not fully rubbed in, he went in himself.

Noor was texting when he came out.

“How are the baby gorillas?” He asked.

She looked up. “Wow. Okay. Warn me next time you’re going to look so handsome.”

He laughed. “Stop being so cheesy!”

“I can’t! I’m just saying what comes to mind- hang on, how did you know I was texting that specific group chat?”

“Because nobody else makes you smile like that.”

“You do,” she said, staring up at him from where she was sitting. It made Yahya want to protect her even more than he already did. Not because he didn’t think she couldn’t, but to him, love was making someone happy. It was keeping the worst of the world hidden. It was holding their hand so the weight of their burdens didn’t completely drag them down.

“And I’ll forever be grateful you gave me the chance to,” he whispered.

She stood up, pressing her mouth against his. It was chaste, and it was innocent, and it was slightly awkward because he still didn’t know what he was meant to do with his hands, but it was comforting.

“Shall we go?” She asked once she pulled away.

He nodded. “Got everything?”

As expected, Noor picked up her little backpack. “Yep.”

“Oh, just wait a second,” Yahya told her.

Noor didn’t move.

He tucked a loose strand of hair into her headscarf, then repositioned it so it framed her face better. “There. Now I can see you in all your grace.”

Noor pushed his hair off his head, even though it would fall back into its original place as soon as she let go. “Same.”

“I hate you sometimes.”

“I know.”

He took her hand, and together they walked to the park, armed with enough snacks that Yahya was convinced they wouldn’t need lunch either. And because they had both woken up later than expected, he ended up being right.

“I don’t understand why you needed to take so many photos of me as well,” he whined once they were back in the hotel room. Their picnic in the park had been nice. They’d sat on the grass, pointing out the clouds and munching away. At some point, he’d started taking pictures of Noor, but once she caught him, it was game over and he found himself on the other side of the camera. It had been different, but he’d found he liked the way Noor would encourage him and help him look less awkward.

He was absolutely going to take her phone and change her lock screen at the earliest opportunity though.

“For the memories! And because I want to make a scrapbook of things that the two of us do together,” she said.

He looked up in surprise. “Really?”

“Of course.”

It made his heart flutter. He was important enough for a scrapbook. “Okay.”

She laughed, and he was once more convinced she could read his mind.

The car ride back to his flat was quiet. He was desperately trying to remember how he had left his bedroom, and whether he had definitely cleaned up the mess he made in the bathroom whilst he was searching for a new shower gel, but then he realised it didn’t matter anymore. Noor was going to see his flat in all kinds of states until they found a new place together. A touch of mess had never bothered her, and it wouldn’t start.

The way she could go from so flirtatious, for lack of a better word, in private, to appropriate in front of his parents, astounded him. He was exactly the same, but it was always funny to see other people do it. They really did all live the same life.

“I left your key in there. I completely forgot to pack it. I’m sorry,” he said, as Noor leant against the wall.

“That’s okay. I’m actually quite excited about this.”

He finally managed to twist the key at the right angle, and the door opened. He walked in quickly, trying to hide any last minute things that were making a mess.

“I like your place. It’s a nice representation of you.”

Yahya smiled. “I’m glad. So, what do you want to do?”

Noor shrugged. “Do you want to start a show as a couple?”

“Sure. Wait. I need to make my lunch first.”

“Ah, I forgot. You don’t get it on your school.”

“No, I don’t. We can’t all be private sector workers.”

“Shut up. If you’re making your lunch, I’m going to get into pyjamas.”

Yahya nodded. Noor hovered in the doorway, as though she wasn’t quite sure where she was supposed to stand, dressed in an old t-shirt and bottoms with a sea themed print. She’d never looked cuter.

But something wasn’t right.

He screamed and covered his eyes. “Noor!”

“What? Is there a spider. Oh my god why didn’t you tell me you were scared of spiders? I gave my spider catcher to my parents. Wait. You’re covering your eyes. Is it that bad?”

“There’s no spider!”

“Then why are you- oh Yahya. We’re married.”

He felt his cheeks flush and dropped his hand. “Right. Yes. We are. I saw you this morning. I’m really sorry about that.”

And he did genuinely feel like an idiot. What kind of man forgot he could see his wife without her headscarf? Well, him apparently.

“It’s okay. Honestly, you’re the cutest thing I’ve ever met. Not that you’re a thing. I just- yeah.”

This time, he got to laugh at her. “Guess we’re both kinda stupid sometimes?”

“Sometimes? Yahya, I’m an idiot. Like genuinely, the lack of common sense I manage to display is astounding. Especially because I have a fully formed frontal lobe and everything. But anyways. Did you need any help?”

“I think I’ll be okay. I’m almost done. I just need to pack some grapes.”

Noor nodded, coming in and leaning against the fridge.

“Right, I’m done. Is there anything specific you wanted to watch?”

“Not really, let’s just look for something that seems decent?”

He nodded. But as was always the case, by the time they had finally settled on something, they had to go to bed. The previous night, they’d been so tired that they had just gotten into the bed and fallen asleep without a second thought.

This time would be different.

“Are you- so are you a cuddler?” Yahya asked, fiddling with the hem of his sleeve.

Noor tilted her head up. Yahya liked that she needed to do that. “I don’t know Yahya. I haven’t exactly been in this situation before.”

It eased the tension. And when Noor automatically went for the left side of the bed, because Yahya had moved his entire room around so he could push the bed away from the wall and place it in the middle of the room, he felt like the pieces of the puzzle had just fallen into place.

And as it turned out, Yahya was the one who subconsciously initiated the cuddles, but Noor liked them enough to not tease him.

The week between the wedding and the walima was a work one. Yahya had missed the kids, but being bombarded with questions almost made him wish it was May half-term once again. Noor had a much more peaceful time, with her colleagues simply giving their congratulations and asking if she had any photos, or if they would be waiting for the professional ones to come in.

Each day, Noor would get back ten minutes after Yahya. He would immediately open his arms so she could lie on top of him. She liked hearing his heartbeat. In the same vein, he liked pressing his fingers to her pulse point. It was always steady, and he would find himself breathing to match it. After she felt like she’d recovered- because as much as she was an extrovert, the socialising at work was different, she would climb off him and go make up the prayers she had missed.

Then they would make dinner together, eating wherever they wanted. Yahya would actually take his Vitamin D tablets, because Noor would take one bite of her food and then take both her iron and vitamin supplements so the rest of the meal was not ruined. After they put the leftovers away, and loaded up the dishwasher, Yahya would pack up his lunch. And then they would watch one episode, get ready for bed, and fall asleep with Noor safely in Yahya’s arms.

It was nice. On Wednesday, Noor thought they deserved a little treat for making it to the mid-way point of the week. She loved getting little treats, whether it was a coffee in the morning or a bar of chocolate at lunch. Yahya liked the idea of little treats, so he had started doing the same. Noor’s point had always been that money would not follow them to the grave- which was definitely something she’d picked up from her parents- so he didn’t feel any guilt about getting them. The only issue was that she brought lemon muffins. Yahya hadn’t even been able to try and hide his intense dislike for lemon.

She’d gone quiet.

“I shouldn’t have reacted so harshly,” he whispered once they were under the duvet. Some conversations were easier to have in the dark.

Noor shook her head. “It’s my fault, I should have known better.”

“You can’t be expected to know everything about me. My dessert dislikes have never come up before, it’s not like you did it to be malicious. The moment you realised it was something I wouldn’t want, you let that be the end of it. It’s fine. You’re still a good person.”

Even in the dark, he could tell she was smiling. She shifted back so they could be as close as they had since Sunday. “You always know what to say.”

“You’re teaching me to say whatever feels right.”

There was a brief pause.

“You’re not a bad person just because you showed your emotions.”

It could hardly be considered an emotional display, but Yahya was so used to saying yes to keep the peace that it had been a difficult boundary to set. Noor’s understanding and respect had made it easy.

He didn’t know what to respond with, but that was the beauty of it all. He didn’t always need to speak. Noor would know what he was trying to get at but didn’t have the words for. But he wanted to let her know, in whatever way he could. So he placed his hand on her hip, having finally realised it wasn’t a lie that some people were made to fit together, shifted her so he could hold her.

And then he pushed himself up the bed so he could kiss her forehead. He felt her laugh, and it was the best sleep he’d had since the wedding.

The walima took place on Saturday. It was a lot calmer. Noor got ready in his flat, dragging a chair from the dining table into the bedroom so she could do her make-up with the better mirror, but without sitting on the floor. When Yahya asked why she didn’t just get dressed after doing her make-up, he got the most confused look. He then realised there was no way she would change her routine on such an important day, and he sheepishly left the room to make sure his shoes were shining.

It was less formal, and more of a grand dinner party than anything else, so he didn’t feel so anxious. But even when he started to worry that he looked stupid, or that everyone could tell he wasn’t as confident as he was pretending to be, Noor just gripped his hand tighter, and that pressure would ground him in the moment.

“Remind me when the honeymoon is,” Khadija asked.

Noor barely avoided rolling her eyes, but only because everyone was smiling and she didn’t want the photographer to unknowingly capture the moment.

“The first week of July. And before you ask, it’s because there’s a bank holiday, it’s the summer holidays and my annual leave would have rolled over so I’ll still have a decent amount of time left over.”

“Are you looking forward to it?” One of Yahya’s parents friends asked. Yahya didn’t really like them that much, but they had been cut from the wedding list they had to be invited.

And because Noor could never let stupid questions be, she put on her most innocent smile. “We can’t wait.”

Yahya coughed into his drink to cover up his laugh, but he clearly hadn’t done a good job. And Noor hadn’t looked very innocent.

She grinned at him, and he grinned back.

He couldn’t wait for the honeymoon either, if only because he would get to see that smile with no interruptions.

buy me a ko-fi!

[goboymusic]

The docuseries #TheJinx on HBO Max has one of the biggest “oh shit” mic drop moments at the end of the last episode that I’ve ever seen in a piece of media. Definitely worth watching.

The #MelGibson film #Apocalypto inspired the song “I Am Jaguar Paw,” in which the main character's name is Jaguar Paw. Sadly, that movie flew under the radar because of its subtitles and mixed critic reviews. In my opinion, it’s one of the most gut wrenching, intense films ever made, and it deserves to have been seen by everyone.

The intro of “I Am Jaguar Paw” sets the stage of someone on their last legs. The heavy breathing is mixed with machinery audio to make it sound more disturbing (diverging from the historic setting of Apocalypto, but staying true to its focus on the struggle to survive). Clearly, with sounds of machinery / computer equipment, this person is being assisted in survival.

The intro is around 40 seconds, which is a good way to lose listeners before the song begins. Nonetheless, this has remained one of the more popular songs on GoBoy 2. Had the intro been removed, maybe it'd be the most popular.

The breakdown at 1m 15s represents a different scenario. It's loud and violent, representing an able-bodied person fighting for their life. Against what? An animal? Serial killer? Heavy object that has crushed their legs? That's up to the listener.

Musically, this song is meant to cover a wide spectrum of styles, from the sound design intro, to the violent breakdown, to the calm piano and synth segment at 3m 34s. A journey of sorts.

Most of the screamo vocals on this album were recorded in my first car, a hatchback Toyota Yaris. I constructed a makeshift mobile studio and drove to an area where no one would hear me scream my guts out (excerpt from post 26).

At the time of making ”I Am Jaguar Paw,” the #metalcore genre was an enormous passion of mine. That said, the politics of forming and maintaining a metalcore band was something that I had experienced in the past, and I didn’t want to experience it again, especially after the fallout from the N3RD live band (explained in post 15). Rather than recruiting a drummer and guitarist for the metalcore inspired breakdowns in “I Am Jaguar Paw,” the manipulation of an electronic beat and dubstep wobble bass seemed like a more optimal route, as it would only require computer / DJ equipment for live shows, thus allowing me to maintain independence and creative freedom. This idea of using wobble bass instead of guitars for metalcore-esque breakdowns would be utilized for “I Am Jaguar Paw,” along with other songs on GoBoy 1 and 2 (excerpts from post 18).

The wobble bass was created by automating rapid changes in the formant of a techno synth.

Regarding the change from pop music to mostly instrumental music in GoBoy 2: “Throwback (Song 23)” (and it’s music video) enraged my relatives, whom I grew up in a neighborhood with, and who had tremendous influence over my life at the time (explained in post 23). A frenzy of angry emails, metaphorical pitchforks, torches, hulk rage. Being a young, neurotic kid, the backlash from them was too much for me to handle at the time, and to exit their spotlight, I halted further production of pop songs and ultimately pulled the music video and songs 1-23 (GoBoy 1) from the internet (excerpts from post 23).

To the creative kids who find themselves surrounded by people who want to halt or control their creative endeavors, best of luck. I want to say “find a way out,” but that might result in further deterioration of your creative output. If you were born into an environment where you’re free to explore your creativity without constraints, you’ll never know how lucky you are (excerpts from post 23).

After the “Throwback” debacle, focus would be shifted towards creating instrumental songs that would fly under the radar (GoBoy 2, songs 24-35). Fly under the radar they did. Following GoBoy 2, I quit music for seven years. Songs 1-23 wouldn't be reuploaded until 2020. Why does this matter? It doesn't (excerpts from post 23).

[candyrumm]

um RTTE OC intro yeah...

I was trying to get into the writing grove... and figured this prompt could be easy. Its a silly little stupid story of my self insert character into a show which I loved as a little kid. Some loves are long lasting... heh heh.

This could take place during the auction episode of season 3 where Snotlout dresses up as a blonde rich buyer.

Leor — with her dark brown green eyes, skin the color of golden sand, and raven hair — was watching the area. She sported her usual black top with a red and lavender patch, purple knitted arm warmers, sepia/caramel pleated skirt, dark brown pants, and tumbleweed colored fur boots with red laces. Staying clear of the auction grounds, especially backstage — more or less — to not interfere with all the hustle and bustle. Her uncles had urgent business to attend to. Normally she wouldn’t be near. However she’s heard of some incredible stories recently. A gang of dragon riders, terrorizing business affairs and looting ships. And if she really thought hard, she didn’t really have anything else important to do. Plus she was getting bored and wanted to have a front row seat of some possible jaw-dropping events. Seeing the cause of such tales or even the reactions and dumb-folded that the men have been telling others would have the trip more than worth it. These riders have made such a threat that the men have taken extra precautions to doubling security.  

Now usually, young women such as herself wouldn’t be brought to such place — the smell/stench alone would scare. But ironic as it is she too has a dragon, that which she occasionally ride on. Oh the tale of how they met is an interesting one. Sitting back here under the dabble lighting of the sunlight, thinking of why on earth she came here, and trying to calm her nerves. Sometimes internal thoughts wonder, and wants you to reminisce.

Leor was maybe 11 or 12 when she first laid eyes on her beloved scaly friend. Rogo her beloved — a violet and red colored dramillion — was small. “Do you remember how we met Rowgie? I think it was night time. There was a celebration or gathering happening, a party with lots of food. I think I had wandered near the nursery. And there you were. A lot of your friends seemed to have ventured off. Though there were two or three others there. I got curious and got nearer. The lot of you piped up and skittered towards me. I dunno why but I found some food for ya’ll and feed you. It sounded like someone was approaching, the big dragons couldn’t have been too far away either. I’ve overstayed my welcome, and tried make my leave to exit. But this one dragon would not left me leave. In fact the adorable reptile followed me out. Or at least you must’ve — despite my many attempts of making you stay or be distracted so I could dash away. Cause the next few days, you were pikabooing me outta nowhere. You remember that? Haha-”

Mhm… Leor is snapped out of her bliss by a dark beast and skinny man entering the mouth of the dungeon. Rogo stayed behind, enjoying his snack still as Leor ventured closer for a better look. The structure held all sorts of dragons. She was careful to not draw too much attention to herself, and in awe at what she saw. A nightfury. Or at least she thought it was a nightfury, she’ve only ever seen drawings of the creature.  The skinny person was unlocking doors. Scared of what the night fury could do, Leor figured confronting wasn’t the best course of action. She had taken a step back to process what she’d just witness, maybe a second gone by and when she turned back to see the rider and his dragon, they were gone.

[cjsinkythoughts]

The Conversation

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Avenger!Reader

Word Count: 7661 (Don’t come at me - you guys asked for it)

Warnings: !FATWS Spoilers!, Cursing, Fluff, Feelings, I Dunno What Else, This One’s Pretty Chill, Except The Ending, But You’ll See When You Get There

A/N: Here it is! I was hesitant about posting it because that means we’re getting closer to the end and I’m such a nostalgic bitch! I’m definitely gonna cry next week when the last episode comes out! Anyways, I’ve got a few things to talk about:

I think this is one of the most important chapters I’ve written and I’m excited to see your reactions to it. It is longer, but you guys asked for that, so you got it! Also, I’m loving the Asks, Comments, and Reblogs. I try to respond to all of them. I have work in a little bit, so I won’t be able to until after, but I’ll get back to you as soon as I can. Ask me anything; about my series, the show, any of the movies, personal stuff, I really don’t care. If you’re not comfortable, that’s totally fine! Every like means so much to me!

I know it’s not the end yet - we’ve got one more episode and a list of One Shots to get through - but there’s a definite feeling of this series coming to an end, and I just want to thank you all for the support and love you’ve been giving it! I’ve really enjoyed writing these characters and this story! It’s very, very special to me and I’m glad I’ve been able to share it with you lovely people!

On that note, be kind to yourselves and others! Thank you again for reading! Excuse any mistakes - this isn’t beta’d! Enjoy and stay tuned!

FATWS Masterlist

cjsinkythoughts Masterlist

!SPOILERS UNDER CUT! (Sorry for the gifs I just love them so much and he’s so pretty and this part is technically two parts so...you get four!)

“Louisiana.” Bucky hummed, looking around the airport.

You rolled your eyes. “You’re not gonna find anything interesting about Louisiana in here, doofus. Let’s call an Uber.”

“An Ooper? What the hell is an Ooper?”

You giggled, shaking your head and grabbing his hand and pulling him towards the luggage carousel. “Uber. It’s like…a taxi service. But there’s an app on your phone to get a driver instead of waiting for one on the street.”

“Oh.” He blinked, tilting his head. “That’s…helpful.”

You laughed again, stopping in front of Carousel 3, where your flight from New York was assigned. You went back to New York to grab a bag with clean clothes and other necessities, along with taking a real shower for once. It was nice to be back in the States, as much as you loved traveling. It’d been a crazy few weeks and you were ready to just relax.

“Do you think there were any problems with Sammy’s present?”

Bucky shook his head. “Nah. Especially considering they know who we are.”

You snickered at his slight grumble. They had had…problems at the other two airports - first the one in Sokovia then JFK in New York - considering Bucky’s entire arm was metal. It’d taken a full hour before they actually let you go, and by that time they had to give you a new plane because yours had left.

“Seriously. Who else has a fucking metal arm and has 1917 listed as their birth year on their Driver’s License?” You giggled again. That was also true. They thought he was messing with them. It wasn’t until you stepped in a few minutes after they asked Bucky to step to the side, seeing Bucky get frustrated, that they realized Bucky wasn’t pulling their legs.

“Well, we’re here now and that’s all that matters.”

He nodded in agreement, watching for your bags, his hand finding yours when he realized how many people there were. “Do you know where he lives? I didn’t even think about it.”

“Yeah, don’t worry. He invited me over once. I declined, but I saved the address.”

“He…invited you over?” Bucky frowned.

You gave him a look. “I’m sure he invited you, too. You just never checked his texts.”

He licked his lips, tilting his head. “Yeah, no, I know, but I mean…why didn’t you go? Weren’t you two just talking about how you wanted to meet his nephews the other day?”

“Yeah, but I had gotten a tip on Wanda at the time and I didn’t want to miss the chance that she was there. He told me it was fine. I still felt really bad. I could tell he was a bit disappointed. I think it was one of the boys’ birthdays. Or something. I don’t remember. Is that bad? Yeah, probably. I really should remember. Maybe I should keep track of birthdays on my calendar or something.”

“Doll.” You looked up to find him giving you a magnificent smile, teeth and all. “You’re rambling.”

“Oh. Am I? Sorry. I didn’t realize.”

He shook his head quickly, squeezing your hand. “Don’t apologize. It’s cute. I’m just not used to you talking so much. You kinda did on the phone sometimes.”

You shrugged, pushing down the heat crawling up your neck at his words. “I rambled a lot to Steve.”

“Oh.”

His face fell, making you scrunch your eyebrows up in confusion, nudging him slightly to grin at him. “It’s nice to have someone to ramble to again, though.” There was that smile again. You were stopped from saying anything more when you noticed some kids pointing and chattering excitedly at a gleaming silver box coming around the corner on the conveyor belt. “There it is.”

He looked over his shoulder, dropping your hand and stepping over to grab it, lifting it effortlessly. You didn’t know what was in it or how heavy it was, but you were sure it felt like a feather to him.

“Alright. Got our bag, sweetheart?” You lifted up the duffle in answer and he jerked his head towards the doors. “Let’s get outta here, then. Call that Booper or whatever.”

“U-B-E-R! Ub-er!” You threw your hands up, following him as he started walking towards the exit. “What’s so hard about it?!”

He just gave you a little smirk over his shoulder.

***************

Bucky kept asking the Uber driver questions about his job. The guy was super nice and patient the whole time, a thick southern accent lacing his answers. Southern hospitality was no joke and apparently had no limit as Bucky asked about his experiences, listening intently and telling him his own stories of taxi drivers in NYC.

When you got to Sam’s sister’s house, Bucky, being Bucky, tipped the driver half of what you paid for the ride, thanking him for his time and energy, before getting out.

“You’re so adorable, you know that?” You teased him as you stepped up the porch stairs and knocked on the door.

He rolled his eyes, a tint of pink dusting across his cheeks. “He was nice.”

You hummed at his defense, the smile never leaving your features. After a moment, Bucky raised his fist to knock again. “Jesus Christ! Don’t fucking knock their door down!” You grabbed his wrist and lowered it.

“Sorry. I forget sometimes.” Bucky informed you absentmindedly,  tilting his head to peek in the window. “I don’t think anyone’s home.”

“They’re probably at the docks, then.”

Bucky raised an eyebrow. “The docks?”

You nodded, gesturing for him to follow you. “Yeah. They have a boat, remember? He talked about it last week.”

“Oh right. The one he’s trying to convince his sister not to sell.”

“Yeah.” You confirmed. “I’m pretty sure it’s that way. I don’t know how far, but we can call the Uber back-”

Bucky scrunched up his face and shook his head. “Nah. I don’t wanna bother him again. We can walk.”

You gave him an incredulous look. “It’s literally his job to drive people around.”

“Well, yeah, but what if he’s got other people to drive?”

You lifted his metal knuckles to your lips. “Trust me, Buck, I’m sure he’d rather drive you than anyone else.”

“Thank you?”

Swinging your now linked hands, you gave a firm nod, letting him know it was, in fact, a compliment. “You are so very welcome.”

The walk was a lot longer than you thought it was, and you ended up on Bucky’s back after he kept complaining about how you “shouldn’t be walking this long” and you were “injured” and you “needed rest’”. You’re not sure how a shoulder wound affected your ability to walk, but you relented and let him carry you the rest of the way to stop his whining.

“You forget, you did pull your thigh.”

“That was, like, three weeks ago! Yeesh!”

You finally got to the docks, which were bustling with people. Bucky set you down and raised an eyebrow which you shrugged in reply to, before heading over to where you spotted Sam with a few other older men.

“How do we get it off the truck?” You heard Sam ask, pointing to a large boat engine part in the bed of a beaten up truck. Scoffing as Bucky lifted it up without breaking a sweat, you leaned against the truck. Bucky grunted and set it down, looking at Sam.

“You’re welcome.” What a punk. “Just dropping this off.” Bucky lifted the case and set it where the engine was previously, Sam coming to stand on the opposite side of the truck as you. “You can sign for it and I’ll go.” You snorted, shaking your head, making Bucky shove your shoulder - the uninjured one - playfully. “I called in a favor from the Wakandans.”

Sam looked at you curiously. You shrugged and shook your head. “Don’t look at me, Sammy. He wouldn’t tell me what it is. He’s all hushy hushy about it until you say so.”

Before Sam could reply, there was a squeak and hissing over at the boat where steam was coming from a few pipes.

“Sam!” You knew that was Sarah from pictures Sam showed you. You stayed up by the truck, pulling yourself onto the bed while Sam tried fixing the pipe, Bucky butting in to show him how to do it properly.

“Why didn’t you use the metal arm?”

You saw Bucky lift up said metallic limb. “Well…I don’t always think of it immediately. I’m-I’m right handed.” Letting out a laugh, Bucky turned around and scowled teasingly at you. “And what’re you laughing at?!”

“Nothing!”

“Well then get your ass over here!”

You rolled your eyes, hopping down from the truck as Bucky asked if Sam wanted help with the boat. You leaned against a wooden post, grinning when Sam looked at you.

“I don’t have any plans.”

Sam gave a small smile, jerking his head back. “Yeah.”

You jumped down onto the boat to follow him, looking over your shoulder and stopping with an amused eyebrow raised as Bucky introduced himself to Sarah. “I’m Bucky.”

“Ah…Sarah.”

“Sarah.” Bucky repeated her name, before walking towards you, a grin still on his lips.

“Careful, Barnes. That playboy Steve warned me about is coming out.” You nudged him with a smirk, ignoring the feeling of your stomach dropping.

He rolled his eyes, kissing your head as he passed you and Sam to go where Sam was gesturing. “Don’t worry, Y/N. You’re still my doll.”

Sam raised an eyebrow, falling into step besides you and lowering his voice. “Conversation?”

“Hasn’t happened.” You informed him through clenched teeth as he groaned.

Sam gave you a list of chores that needed to be done to clean up the boat, giving you a quick tour and letting you know where all the tools needed where. You set to work immediately.

Sanding down, replacing old parts, cleaning, polishing and painting over the things that didn’t need replacing. They didn’t let you do any heavy lifting because of your stupid shoulder, but you were still able to help.

Sam had turned on some music for you to listen to, so you danced around the boat while cleaning. Turning your head when you felt a pair of eyes on you, you smiled when Bucky snapped his head back down to the wood he was sanding down.

“Gonna dance, Barnes?”

He looked back over, shaking his head. “Nah. I’m good watching you.”

Rolling your eyes, you got back to work, continuing to bop to the music, fully aware that he was watching you now.

A little while later, you were repainting the edges of the boat orange, when you looked over and noticed Bucky playing around with a paint scraper…sitting right on the edge that you had just finished repainting a few minutes ago.

“Buck!”

He looked over, eyebrows raised. “Yeah?”

You bit your lip, trying to hold back your mischievous grin. Shaking your head, you waved dismissively. “Never mind!”

He gave you a confused sort of pout, before shrugging and continuing to fidget with the tool. It wasn’t until later when he got up to help Sam tear the metal plating off the edge that it came to light with Sam chuckling and raising an eyebrow.

“Sit in something there, Barnes?”

“What?”

Bucky craned his neck back, eyes widening when he saw the orange paint on his ass, contrasting with his jeans. You let out a cackle and he whipped towards you, pointing at you accusingly, although the small uptick of his lips let you know he wasn’t really mad.

“Y/N!”

“No, no, no!” You laughed, sprinting across the deck, shrieking when he grabbed your waist and spun you around. You gasped when he grabbed a paint brush and painted an orange stripe right down the front of your shirt. “James!”

“Justice, sweetheart.” He breathed in your ear with a chuckle.

You shook your head, wiggling out of his hold. “This is a nice shirt!”

“You should’ve thought about that before.” He smirked, crossing his arms. Your eyes caught sight of Sam behind him, who raised an eyebrow and the bucket of paint he was holding. You nodded with a little giggle, making Bucky’s eyes narrow. “What’s so funny over there, do - holy shit!

You guffawed as orange paint dripped down his head, Sam standing innocently behind him with the now empty bucket behind his back. “Samuel!”

“Oops?”

“I’m gonna kill you!”

“Try me old man!”

“Fuck!

“Doll!”

“Oh my God!”

Paint, orange and white since those were the only cans they had out, flew across the deck, paint brushes being used like fencing swords.

You found out too late that wet paint was a little bit slippery and you slid on a huge puddle, sending you, not onto the ground below, but over the side of the edge into the water. 

“Doll!”

“Cher, you good?!” 

The three of you looked at each other, stunned for a moment, before bursting into fits of laughter and you nodded. “I’m good!”

The boys helped you get back up onto the dock, Sarah appearing with towels she conjured up out of thin air. “Let’s get you into dry clothes. Do you have-?”

“We’ve got some. We got a bag.” You told her with a grin, facing the guys. “You two should clean up some, too. Sammy, you’ve got a little something right there.” You pointed to your cheek, his own having a giant white splotch from his temple to his jaw. “And Buck?” You sniggered, gesturing to the whole of him. “You’ve got a lotta something right there.” 

“Ha. Ha.” He looked down. His top was practically tiger print, drenched in orange with white here and there, and his ass still orange as well. His hair, which had been plastered to his forehead, was starting to dry now, and it only made you laugh some more thinking about what a pain it’d be to get it out. For him, at least.

“God. Can’t even have a relaxing day on the boat with you two.” Sam jested once you finished up and joined him and Bucky, who had just finished dumping out some water buckets. Bucky had changed his shirt and it looked like they tried wiping their faces, but Sam still had small lines of white down his face. “How ‘bout a couple of drinks? Surely you can’t ruin that too.”

“Ruin?” You gasped in mock offence. “Sammy! I just made the day more…interesting.”

Sam chuckled, ruffling Bucky’s hair, which still had orange streaks in it. “Let’s go get some beers.”

************

You chatted for a bit, mainly you and Sam with you asking how Sarah and the boys were while Bucky with your legs in his lap, just listening to you two and sipping at his bottle. You had his hand in your own lap, wiping it down with a rag due to the paint that got on it.

“You’re lucky this is vibranium, you know.” You commented off handedly. “If it was your other one, it’d definitely get stained.”

“And who’s fault is that?” Bucky shot back with a teasing grin.

“Sammy’s.”

Sam spluttered. “Wh-what?! You started it!” You laughed, shaking your head.

Falling into a comfortable silence with just the water and birds chirping as your soundtrack, you downed the rest of your drink, which Bucky took as finished. “Well,” you moved your legs to let him stand up. He leaned forwards to clink his bottle against Sam’s and you stood up and stretched. “Gotta catch our flight tomorrow. Get a hotel room for the night.” Sam gave you a look to which you rolled your eyes at as Bucky set down his bottle and grabbed his jacket. “Crash, you know?”

“So you’re just gonna set me up like that, huh?”

“Well I don’t wanna make it weird for your family.”

“Just stay here.” You laughed as Sam babbled on about how nice the people were here, grabbing the jacket Bucky handed to you. It was getting a bit chilly from the breeze on the water and the sun going down. Plus, that water was cold.

“But don’t flirt with my sister.”

You cackled at Bucky’s face, that turned serious, his head shaking. “No.”

“‘Cause if you do I’ll have Carlos cut you up and feed you to the fish.”

“Can’t hold back the dog, Wilson. It’s been stuck in a kennel too long.”

Bucky turned to you, grabbing your jaw and squishing your cheeks together. “You know what? You need to shush. You’ve been snippy all day.”

You just smiled as innocently as you could with your lips being held by his metal fingers. “You’re too fun to mess with.”

He pecked your nose. “As long as I’m the only one you’re messing with. I’ll be right back.” He let you go and spun around, maneuvering around the boat in a way only a trained assassin could do.

“Oh my God, please! Please just put me out of my fucking misery! You’re killing me, cher.”

“What?” You gaped at him.

“Don’t act innocent!” Sam huffed, giving you a pointed look. “If I have to watch you two make googly eyes at you one more fucking day with neither of you doing anything about it-”

You rolled your eyes. “Oh come on, Sammy-”

“Don’t ‘come on, Sammy’ me! And don’t come at me with that ‘he doesn’t like me back’ bullshit. If you think for a second that boy wouldn’t follow you to the depths of the fucking ocean, you’re blind as a bat, woman.”

You shrugged, pushing up the sleeves of Bucky’s too big jacket. “It just…hasn’t come up.”

He deadpanned, shaking his head and standing up. “That’s it. I’m done. You two are driving me insane. I’m gonna lock you in a room until you have the conversation that needs to be had the next time either of you does something stupid.”

“Yikes. That’s gonna be quick.” At his look, your smile dropped and you nodded. “Okay, okay. I’ll…I’ll bring it up later.”

“Tomorrow or nothing.”

“Sam-”

Sam tilted his head, brow creasing. “Is it still Steve? Is that what this is still about? Because he’s gone, and he’s been gone and you need to get over it-”

“No. It’s not…” You sighed. “It clicked the other day. When we were hanging out. Steve left and, yeah, I might always love him, but Bucky…God…I love Bucky, Sam.”

The man grinned proudly. “I’m glad to finally hear you admit it. So what’s the problem?”

“It’s still complicated, right? I mean…he’s his best friend and I’ve never dealt with stuff like this before and-”

Sam’s smile dropped and he groaned again. “Imma head out. I can’t take this. Dumbass and dumberass. I swear to God.” You sniggered a bit as he grumbled, walking towards the ramp to climb off the boat, just as Bucky reappeared.

“Hey-”

“Nope! Not right now, Barnes! I can’t handle it! I can’t!”

Bucky gave you a weird look. “What’d you do?”

You chuckled, shaking your head. “Nothing.”

“Well, c’mon, doll. Sarah said she’s gonna make gumbo for us, whatever that is.” He held out his hand as you walked over. 

“You’re such a city boy.” You teased lightly, taking his hand and letting him help you pull you onto the dock. You shoved the sleeves of his jackets up again since they slipped from the first time. “Let’s go get some dinner. I’m starving.”

******************

“We have the couch and a mattress we can pull out, I just have to make Sam get it from the attic-”

“That’s alright. The couch is fine.” Bucky waved dismissively while you nodded in agreement.

Sarah raised an eyebrow at you two. “For both of you?”

You blinked, exchanging a look with Bucky, before shrugging and turning back to her. “Yeah.”

“Don’t fight it, Sarah.” Sam peeked out from the hall. “They’ve got a weird relationship.” You stuck your tongue out at the man while Bucky rolled his eyes, dropping your duffle bag by the couch. “How mature, Y/N.” Sam mimicked your action.

“Uhm…okay. Let me set up the couch for you then.”

Once everything was set up, you and Bucky thanking her for dinner - delicious and you’d never seen Bucky smile so much, the boys having kept him highly entertained throughout the meal - and for letting you crash, Sam and Sarah headed to their rooms, the boys already having been tucked in for the night.

“Are you gonna sleep on the floor?” You asked quietly, sitting down on the couch and doing the things for your night routine you didn’t already do in the bathroom.

“I think I’ll be okay.” He sat besides you. “I’ve been doing fine the past week or so.”

You smiled at him. “That’s good. Alright.” You stood up and stretched. “Let me just make sure everything’s in the bag and ready-”

You yelped when his arm wrapped around your waist, pulling you into his chest, shifting down to lay against the couch’s arm. “Do it in the morning.” He yawned, looking up at you tiredly. “I wanna go to sleep.”

“Then go to sleep, Buck. I’ll be right back.” He shook his head, his hold tightening as he sunk deeper into the couch.

“No. I fall asleep better with you.”

You rolled your eyes but grinned, settling down with your legs between his, your chin resting on his sternum so you could still look at him. He beamed, but you could see the exhaustion settling in, and he grabbed the blanket Sarah left over the back of the couch and draped it across your back, over both of your legs, before his arms crossed snugly under the covers at the small of your back.

“Dinner was nice tonight. I haven’t had a meal cooked like that in ages.” You hummed.

He nodded in agreement. “I think that’s the first time I’ve sat around a table with a family since the 40′s.”

You raised an eyebrow. “Did you like it?”

“Yeah...kinda makes me wish I had my own.”

“Your own what?”

“Family.”

You bit your lip, shyly avoiding his gaze. “You’re my family, Buck.”

A light kiss was pressed to your forehead, his fingers bringing your gaze back to his. “There’s no one else I’d rather have.” The room lapsed into silence again, the clock ticking on the wall, the low sound of crickets outside.

“You have really pretty eyes.” You mumbled, tilting your head slightly as you studied them. They always held so much emotion in them, especially in contrast to when you first met him as Soldat. They matched the water you fell in, and you wouldn’t mind falling over and over into them.

“Yeah, well, you’re just really pretty inside and out, so I think you’ve got me beat, doll.” He whispered back.

“You know who else is pretty? Sarah.”

He nodded with a hum. “That’s true. But I meant what I said. You’ll always be my doll.”

“So you’re not gonna ask her out?”

He gave you a weird look as you traced his sharp jawline absentmindedly. “Nah, sweetheart. It’s just…some harmless flirting. Except on Sam’s part.”

You gave a soft huff of laughter. “Yeah…he’s gonna strangle you. It is nice to see you like that, though. Flirty. Relaxed. Happy.”

“You make me happy, sweetheart.” He hummed, nosing your temple. “The road trip helped. I’m learning everything from you. Maybe not the flirting, but the carefree part.”

You blinked at him, finger stopping for a moment as you thought. “Oh…”

You felt his fingers dance up your spine, making you shiver slightly. “What I would give to know what’s goin’ on inside that pretty lil’ head’a yours, doll.”

“I just think it’s funny you’re learning how to be carefree from me…when I just started learning how to do it myself.”

“Oh yeah?”

You nodded, your finger continuing its path down his jaw. “I think it started with the goats.”

“The goats?”

You nodded again, resting your cheek on his chest, watching your finger move up from his chin. Once you got to the end of his jaw, you lightly scratched his scruff. “In Wakanda. Our goats.” You weren’t looking at him, so you didn’t see the way he physically melted at your words, his eyes going soft, his lips turning up slightly.

“Our goats, huh?”

But your tired brain wasn’t really processing what he said, instead focusing on the features your finger was now tracing - over his lips, up his nose. “You’re pretty too, Buck. Did you know that? Inside and out.”

He craned his neck to kiss your forehead. “Go to sleep, cuddle bug.”

Nodding, you nuzzled into his chest, finger feeling over the bumps and indents on the dog tags resting near your head. You tried going to sleep, but you kept shifting, your mind not shutting off.

“Hey, sleepyhead, I’m trying to, you know, sleep.”

“Sorry.” You apologized meekly. “I just…I dunno. I can’t.”

“Are you comfortable?” He peeked open and eye to look at you questioningly. You nodded. “Is it too hot? We can take the blanket off. I know I’m a walking furnace-”

You shook your head. “No. I don’t know why. I just can’t sleep.”

He licked his lips thoughtfully, before cradling your head and guiding you back down to his chest. “Lay down, sweetheart. Relax.” He stroked your hair, moving his head down to rub circles in your back muscles, pressing down harder when he felt knots. 

You hummed, your eyes closing. “That feels good.”

“Shshsh. Just go to sleep.” His lips pressed against your head once more, lingering a bit longer than they usually do, as you felt yourself drift off. You cuddled his side, throwing a leg over his waist, before nodding off, only barely hearing his words. “Attagirl. There we are.”

******************

“Doll?” You felt a shift underneath you and groaned, your eyes barely cracking open. “Hey, sleepyhead…it’s okay. I’m just gonna slip out from under ya, alright? Gonna go help Sammy with somethin’.”

You raised an eyebrow, letting him move you against the cushions as he sat up on the edge of the couch. “Sammy?”

“Yeah.” He bent over and kissed your cheek. You stretched out your limbs, about to rub your eyes, when he stopped you, kissing the inside of your wrists. “No. Not you, doll. Go back to sleep.” 

“Bu’...’m gonna help.” You slurred out, looking at him with confused, squinty eyes.

He chuckled, shaking his head. “It’s okay. Rest. You can help when you wake up again. Okay?” You mumbled out an “okay”, bringing the covers up to your chin and snuggling deeper into the cushions. “There ya go, cuddle bug. Good girl.” There was another kiss, one to your temple this time, before you slipped back into unconsciousness.

******************

The next time you woke up was because of a clatter in the kitchen. You yawned and sat up, stretching, eyebrows furrowing when you realized Bucky wasn’t with you. It took you a moment to remember your conversation, which you half thought you dreamt.

“Boys!”

“Sorry!”

You chuckled at the shouts, rubbing your eyes. “I am so sorry!” Sarah apologized, looking over at you from the stove. Trying to make the boys breakfast before school. Do you want anything? Eggs? Cereal? Toast?”

“Uh, cereal’s fine.” You stretched out your back again, before throwing back the covers and standing up, a little shakily.

“You wouldn’t happen to know where Sam went, would you?”

You raised an eyebrow. “Uh, I think him and Bucky went to fix something on the boat. I don’t for sure, though.”

Sarah groaned. “He probably went to fix the stupid water pump which doens’t need fixing. Dumbass.”

You chuckled, padding over into the kitchen. “Yeah. I just work with him. I can’t imagine growing up with him.”

“Trust me; some days you want to throw him in a box and send him out to sea. Bowls are in that cupboard.”

You snickered, moving over to grab a bowl from the cupboard she pointed to. “That’s how I feel with Bucky. Sam is less often, but when those two get together…it’s a full zoo.”

She laughed at that, nodding as she got out the milk and a few boxes of cereal for you to choose from, handing you a spoon. “That I believe.”

“Thank you.”

“Of course.”

You started pouring your cereal, watching in slight amusement as she got the boys ready for school. “Bus is here! Get out the door! Bye! Love you! Make sure you take those extra lunches to-!”

“Yeah, mom! We know! Love you too!”

You gave a slight smirk as she huffed, looking around the kitchen at the pans and dishes left out. “Kids, huh?”

She gave you a smile. “Yeah. They’re a handful, but I wouldn’t trade them for anything. How about you? Any thoughts of kids?”

“Me?” Your eyes widened, nearly choking on your food. “Oh God no. Not right now, at least. I don’t even have a solid house right now. My life’s too off the walls for that.”

“And Bucky?”

You raised an eyebrow as she leaned on the counter. “Bucky? What about Bucky?”

“Does he want kids?”

“Uh…I dunno.” You shrugged, clearing your throat as you remembered your talk last night. “Kinda makes me wish I had my own.” You quickly pushed his words aside. “He hasn’t told me.”

“Wait, wait. You two…aren’t together then?”

You blinked, your eyes widening again. “Together? Me and Bucky? No…why? Did Sam say something?”

Her expression morphed into one of disbelief, crossing her arms. “Sam didn’t say anything. You guys did. Are you seriously expecting me to believe you aren’t together?”

“We’re not! I mean - he was flirting with you yesterday-”

“Right, okay. Honey, that’s flirting. And it’s harmless. The way he follows you like a puppy and you look at him like he hung the stars? That’s feelings. And that’s a lot more impactful than flirting.”

You frowned in contemplation. It was really that obvious? You were really that blind? This whole time? You knew Sam knew - but you just figured that’s because he’s been there since it started. And Sharon knew for the same reason. But Sarah? The woman you just met the day prior and had barely had a conversation with?

“It’s, uh…” You chewed on your cheek, swirling your cereal around. “It’s complicated.”

Sarah didn’t look impressed. “Do you like him?”

“I’m kinda in love with him-”

She shrugged, not letting you finish your bashful statement. “Then I don’t see what’s complicated about it.”

And that was that. She turned to clean up breakfast, leaving you alone with your thoughts.

You thought it was more complicated than that. I mean…you were in love with your best friend. Who left you. With the guy you had feelings for who just so happened to be your best friend/crush’s best friend. And now you were completely in love with your best friend’s best friend, but your best friend still had a piece of your heart.

But…you loved Bucky. And he was here. And Steve was not. And when you put it that way…you guess it wasn’t so complicated after all.

******************

You snickered as you walked up behind Sarah, the woman berating the men for not leaving the water pump along like she asked.

“Hi, Sarah.”

Sam shot Bucky a warning look, who grinned, but you were surprised to see Sarah ignore him, sending you a knowing glance instead, before turning back to Sam. “I told you specifically that the water pump was not the problem, and yet, here you are.”

“Yep, Samuel.”

You chuckled, Bucky shooting you a wink. “Yeah, Samuel.”

Sam narrowed his eyes at you, turning to Sarah. “In our defense, you were supposed to be done long before you woke up.”

You nearly facepalmed at his “defensive” and you were trying so hard to hold back laughing as she told Sam off, sending them away.

“I don’t wanna hear a peep from you.” Sam pointed at you, but that only made your chortles come out, and you didn’t even bother hiding them. “She’s a very mean person.”

“It’s tough love.”

You giggled as they started arguing, slipping an arm around their waists, their arms instinctually coming up to your shoulders.

“Oh my God. A prowess?”

“Yes, Y/N. A prowess.”

“You know, maybe if you someone let me help-”

“Hey, woah! You were tired! I let you sleep! I was being nice!”

“Too late now. I’ll be lucky if Sarah lets me within a hundred feet of it!”

“She got you so good, Sammy!”

“I agree with Buck for once! You’re too snippy right now! And c’mon man! Stop flirting with my sister!”

“It’s my natural charm.”

“Charm? What charm?”

“Ouch, doll! That one hurt!”

****************

“Okay.” You stepped out of the bathroom, walking over to the couch and setting the bag down on it. “I’ve got everything packed. We’ve got a little over an hour until we need to head out which gives you two time to go set something up for Sammy and maybe even a bit or training before we leave.” 

Bucky frowned. “You’re not gonna come out?”

“I will in a bit. I just got a phone call I need to take.”

Sam narrowed his eyes. “Government call?”

You gave a mocking smile. “Can you guess what they want to talk about? It’s okay. I’ll survive. It’s only a phone call, so I can always hang up. Pretend I didn’t have good service. I do it all the time.”

“I’m sure you do.” Sam chuckled. “In that case, I’m gonna go grab some stuff and get the shield.” As he walked out, he made sure to mouth at you behind Bucky’s back ‘conversation’ making you swallow thickly. You were planning on talking to Bucky anyways, and with Sam’s insistence…

“Okay, so, I was thinking when we get back-”

“Can I talk to you?”

Bucky stopped digging through the bag, blinking at you in surprise at your sudden burst. “Uh…well, we already are, so yes.” He chuckled, straightening and crossing his arms.

“I wanna have the conversation.”

He was left stunned, once again, his mouth opening and closing and his weight shifting form one foot to the other. “Like…that conversation? R-right now? Are you sure?”

You winced at her nervousness. “Sorry, sorry. I know it’s kinda…I just…I need to talk about it. Now.”

“Okay, okay. No, that’s fine. Don’t apologize. I just wasn’t expecting it.” Bucky cleared his throat. “That’s all.”

“Okay…” You breathed with a small nod. You opened your mouth, but Bucky shook his head.

“I hafta say this first; I didn’t mean to hurt you by telling you about Steve. I-I dunno what I thought. That it’d give you closure or something. I dunno. But it hurt you and I’m sorry. That wasn’t my intention.”

“Buck-”

“I was jealous. And guilty. And mad. And upset. I still am. Kinda. I guess. I dunno.” Bucky shook his head, running his hand through his hair and all you could do was gape at him as he started confessing to you. “Remember when we danced? In Madripoor? Doll…I don’t wanna dance ever again if it’s not with you. I fucking love you, Y/N. And not in the way we’ve said it before. I’m in love with you. I have been for-for a while now. I just - you were Steve’s. Steve loved you and you loved Steve and that was that and I was just the broken childhood best friend. But Steve left and he told me to take care of you and I didn’t know what to do with that, because you still love Steve. I think. I dunno. And I didn’t want to break what we have because you’re all I have left of him. You and that stupid shield. You’re my family. My home. I really meant it when I told you that. And that’s why I couldn’t tell you. Because it means too much for me to break what we have because I fell in love with my best friend’s girl. You know?”

He looked at you with pleading eyes, begging you to understand, but your brain was still trying to process what he was telling you.

“Oh God…” He groaned. “And now I just told you everything and you’re looking at me like that wasn’t what you wanted to hear and now I’m thinking this wasn’t the conversation you were thinking it was going to be-”

You were moving across the room before you could stop yourself, pulling him by the teal Henley you knew was comfortable having worn it to bed before when you visited him in New York, and slanting your lips over his.

His breathing hitched and he froze, and for a hot second you thought you made everything worse, but then he was kissing you back and his hands were on your hips and he was pulling you closer and it felt so fucking good you didn’t want to pull back for air.

“Shut up.” You muttered when you finally did pull back, your forehead against his, your eyes clenched shut. “Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up.” You pulled back to look up at him, chests heaving against each other, your eyes prickling. “I’m not good at this. I’m not good at opening up. I only ever was good at it with Steve but Bucky…I’ve been doing it with you. This whole time and I didn’t even realize it until the conversation in the car.”

He reached up to cup your cheeks, wiping away the relieved tears that were falling from the weight you were finally getting off your chest.

“I love you. I’m in love with you. How could I not be? After all that time in Wakanda? I was never Steve’s girl, Bucky. I wanted to be. Dammit, did I wanna be, but I wasn’t. Not really. And he’s gone. But you’re not. And I don’t know why it took me so long to see that. That you’re the one in front of me. You’re the one who held me when I needed it once he left. You’re the one that would listen to my rambles that I’m just realizing was most of our phone calls. You’re not just the broken childhood friend. Don’t ever think that. I don’t pick up the phone at five in the morning after searching for a friend until two for just anyone. Even Steve’s best friend. And I’m such an idiot because I’ve been pushing away my feelings all these years for Steve and then I let them out with you at the wrong time, because I love Steve, Bucky, but I’m not in love with him. Not since I fell in love with you. And I know it doesn’t make sense, but Steve was the first one I cared about and that’s just how I feel and I can try to explain, but-”

His lips crashed onto yours again and you could taste the salty tears that were pouring down your cheeks, but you didn’t care. He was holding you and he was kissing you and it was even more perfect than you thought it’d be.

“You’re adorable when you ramble, but Jesus Christ, shuddup, doll.” He breathed. “Just tell me you love me. Tell me you love me just a fraction of how much I love you.”

You looked up into those ocean eyes, your own shining with earnest affection. “James Buchanan Barnes. I love you.”

“That’s all I need to know.” He murmured against your lips, holding your head against his, still wiping away your tears. It felt like with each one that fell, you felt lighter and lighter. Like they were taking away every fear and anxiety you held within you for the past six months.

“Alright! I was thinking we could just set up in these trees out here - holy shit! Is it done? Did you do it? Did I miss it? Has the conversation been had?”

Bucky chuckled as you giggled. “He has the worst timing.” The last two words were loud enough so Sam could hear, although the man heard the whole sentence. 

“I’m gonna take that as a yes!” Sam cheered. “Halle-fucking-lujah! Finally! I was that close to locking you two in the attic.”

You shook your head at Sam’s personal celebration, drowning the rest of his words out as you looked at Bucky, who swept his thumb over your cheek catching one last tear, before pecking your lips.

“I finally get to kiss where I really want to.” He spoke softly, kissing your lips again. “Are you mine, doll?”

“I thought you said I’d always be your doll.” You answered cheekily. He grinned, kissing you again, pulling you against him by the hips.

“Okay, okay! That’s enough! We get it! You’re in love, finally, but I don’t wanna see it anymore! Now will you come help me with this shit?”

Bucky left one more lingering kiss on your lips, before you pushed him away reluctantly. “I’ll be right out.”

He nodded, moving over to help Sam carry the things he’d gathered.

You watched them put it all up from the window, gnawing on your cheek as you spun your phone in your hands. Coming to a decision, you tossed your phone in the duffle bag and walked out with it just as the boys finished.

“That was a quick phone call.” Sam raised an eyebrow.

You shrugged. “Didn’t call them. If they really need me, they’ll find me.”

Bucky grinned as you set the bag down under a tree, pecking your lips when you got close enough for him to grab by the waist to hold you against him. You rolled your eyes, shoving him playfully away and giggling as Sam let out a groan.

“Alright. Let’s see what you’ve got, Sammy.”

~

><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><

Bucky knew he needed the tough love talk Sam was giving him. He needed to hear it. Because, deep down, he had known it all along, he just refused to believe it. He tried doing it. Making amends. He knew he wasn’t though. And of course he knew immediately who that one person would be.

“And hey.” Bucky looked at him. “Let me tell you what. Telling my girl all that you told her? That’s a good start. I’m proud of you. Both of you. You’re already happier. I can see it in your eyes.”

Bucky chuckled, shaking his head as he thought of the gorgeous woman he nearly let slip through his fingers. He looked over to the house, where she was inside somewhere getting ready after suddenly deciding she needed to shower before they left. “I was stupid.”

“Yeah you were. You both were. I’m so relieved it’s over.” Sam nudged him. “Treat her right, Buck. She deserves it.”

“I know…I just hope I can.”

Sam shook his head. “Uh-uh. Don’t do that. You were just starting to use that cyborg brain of yours! She chose you. And before you say anything,” Sam cut Bucky off from speaking as he opened his mouth to object. “She chose you before Steve left. It just took her dumbass this long to realize it.”

Bucky nodded, a small smile on his face. “Yeah…okay…” Before he could say anything, the goddess herself stepped out, jogging over, looking absolutely amazing in her jeans and his t-shirt. “Good talk.”

Sam laughed at his quick ending of the conversation as she came up besides them. “Talking about me?” She asked cheekily, eyes shining. Bucky couldn’t help but take her under his arm, pecking her lips. Now that he could, he didn’t think he could stop. He was addicted to say the least.

Throwing Bucky a wink, Sam shrugged. “Just all the things that get on our nerves.”

“Ha ha.” She rolled her eyes. “We better get going.”

Bucky and Sam clapped hands. “You know Karli won’t quit.”

Bucky smiled. “Ah. You call us when you have a lead and we’ll be there.”

Y/N stepped forwards to give Sam a hug. “Anytime, Sammy.”

“Eh. Anytime between noon and midnight.” Bucky corrected. “Or noon and ten. Noon and five…you better just call at noon to be safe.”

Sam rolled his eyes. “Sure, sure.”

“Not necessarily as a team.” Bucky continued, grabbing the bag, getting Y/N back in her spot at his side under his arm.

“Nope!”

“We’re not that good.”

“Definitely not.”

“We’re professionals.”

“Definitely.”

“And, uh, we’re partners.”

Sam snapped, pointing at him. “Coworkers.”

“But we’re also a couple of guys with a couple mutual friends.”

“Ones now gone and you’re dating the other.”

“So we’re a couple of guys…with a badass to help out.”

“I can live with that.”

“Perfect.”

“Oh my God.” Y/N let out that laugh Bucky could never get enough of, shaking her head at the two of them. “You forgot dumbasses.”

Sam shook his head. “Nuh-uh. That’s your couple name.”

“Dumbasses?”

“Oh yeah.” The three of them came to a stop, Bucky and his girl - God he loved confirming it now - facing Sam. “Thanks for the help, guys. Meant a lot.”

Bucky patted his shoulder. “Of course.”

Y/N shot him a wink. “Until we meet again, Sammy.”

“Until then, cher.”

Bucky couldn’t stop his grin as she wrapped her arms around his waist, the two of them starting to walk to the main road where she already ordered an Uber. He looked down at her, kissing her lips for the nth time in the past hour.

“I wish I didn’t wait so long,” he told her seriously. “But I’d wait a thousands more centuries if it meant I get to call you mine.”

She giggled, shaking her head. “You’re such a sap! But…” she moved up to kiss him and his heart stuttered. He knew he had a goofy grin on when she pulled back, but he couldn’t help it. Especially when she laughed again. “I have to agree with you on that, Buckaroo.”

[samuel-de-champagne-problems]

De(railed) +18

Summary: The canon episode "Derailed" reimagined where Reader is sent on the solo interview and Spencer, recklessly, decides to save her. Plus, the aftermath.

CW: mommy kink sub! Spencer x dom! female (she/her) reader, cum play, penetrative sex, light degradation, praise kink, light choking (mentioned), edging, calling him a slut (please let me know if I missed anything)

Word Count: 6 K (this is the longest thing I've ever written!)

Author's Note: Special thank you to @shemarmooresfedora for reading this for me because I was very nervous about the smut portion. And a very special thank you to @notanotherreidgirl for inspiring this idea! this was my ask so yeah, this is a little out there for me so be kind (*dips into the shadows*). Also I either really hate or really love this title :)

Taglist: You can join the taglist here!

De(railed)

Sitting on the train, headed towards Virginia for the custodial interview, you tried to remind yourself what Spencer said to you the previous night when you dropped him off at his apartment. You had his hands in yours and you could feel him shake with nerves when he spoke.

He told you that he believes in you. Even when you think that Hotch and Gideon are sending you out to the solo interview too early, Spencer believes in you. If only you’d believe a little bit in yourself, then maybe you’d be able to figure out a way off this train, but an armed man and innocent passengers proves that a little challenging.

The man passes the train up and down and you tell yourself to relax. In hindsight, it seems like a horrible series of events that lead to the man shooting the train attendant. You’ve done your best to keep him calm until the police can see him off the train. Looking outside, you see SWAT, local PD, and FBI lined up 50 yards from the train.

Continuing to wave his gun around the train, the unsub rants about wanting to talk to a higher authority. To yourself, to wish that Spencer was here with you. He’d have figured out exactly what was wrong with the man by now. For less than professional reasons, you’re forever grateful that he’s not here- that he’s safe on the other side of the train.

“He’s out of his mind,” the man holding a bottle of whiskey says, “You gotta do something, lady,” he says, taking a swig of his drink. Your eyes dart to him and back up the doctor, the unsub’s psychologist, looking for a way out.

You breathe deeply, hoping that the BAU would come up with a plan. Knowing FBI protocol, you expect them to try to initiate a line of communication. Glancing over at the unsub, you think that he’ll want to talk to someone who looks like they are powerful. That would be either Hotch or Gideon. Selfishly, you’re grateful that Spencer still looks like an underpaid TA with a toy gun attached at his hip.

“No! Please, don’t hurt me!” the young woman screams, trying to release herself from the man, Ted’s, grip. He releases her, throwing her to the ground when his phone rings.

Gideon.

On the phone with Gideon, the man demands for something to be removed. You can’t hear what he’s saying to the unsub, but you place the little faith you have left into hoping your team can save you.

***

His vest is much too big for him.

That’s all you can think of when you realize Spencer is the “technician” that they’re sending in. His tie and shirt stick awkwardly and there is a gap in his shoulders around the vest. The straps are pulled so tight that they nearly fold over. His hands aren’t shaking when he carries the small black box, but his eyes look terrified.

You want to reach out to him, maybe hold his hand or brush the strands of hair that have fallen into his face, but you can’t. You have to sit there and pretend that this is the first time you’ve met him. It’s excruciatingly sick and mildly amusing in an equally twisted way. The first time you’ve come to terms with loving Spencer, you both can very well die.

“I’m here for the chip,” Spencer says, holding his hands up, “the higher authorities sent me,” he claims, feeding into the unsubs delusion. You shield your glance, unable to trust yourself from launching yourself in between Spencer and the man with the gun.

“That’s far enough and drop your weapons,” Ted says, holding the crying woman by her neck, “and take that vest off. I want to see you,”

“I don’t have any weapons. They don’t authorize them for-”

“I said take it off!” the man shouts, throwing the woman to the ground.

Spencer complies, taking off the much too big vest and tossing it to the ground. He holds his hands up, playing the part of the unsuspecting underling well. He reaches out to Ted, showing him the tools that he’ll use to take out the “chip”. You wonder how Spencer will pull it off, but you know he will in the end.

Spencer digs into the man’s skin with the scalpel. You can’t catch the sleight of hand, but you know that’s what he used.

“I have to leave, the higher authorities need the chip-”

“Turn it on,” Ted orders, “Turn it on!” he screams, his voice booming in the small train.

Spencer’s eyes dart to yours thinking of ways that he can get out of here. He looks almost sorry, and you feel a wave of intense regret. The thousands of times you could have said those little words seem so simple now.

“I can’t turn it on,” Spencer says, “I can’t turn it on,” You hate how scared he sounds, and you hate even more how you have to pretend that you don’t know him.

“Why!” the unsub yells, thrashing the gun around, “You’re one of them!”

Thinking quickly when you see him point the gun at Spencer’s face, you jump to your feet. You push Spencer out of the way, terrified that he’ll do something rash. You can’t lose Spencer, not when you’ve hadn’t had the chance to have him yet.

“It needs to be implanted to be activated,” you say, “I know this stuff Ted, I’m a Fed. Only me. Everyone else,Ted is just innocent. Just let them go, Ted,” you plead, “Just let them go,”

“No!” he yells, shooting up into the ceiling of the train, “no!”

The windows are closed, but you suspect that Hotch and Gideon have the train surrounded by now. Spencer moves closer to you, staring at the man as he scratches his upper arm. He drops his hand towards yours and squeezes, like he’s saying sorry and saying goodbye all in one touch. You don’t realize this before it’s too late.

“Doctor Brier,” Spencer says, standing up with his hands near his head, “you’re right, there’s more-”

“Just make it stop!” the desperate man pleas, “Make it stop!”

“I know what it’s like, Ted. The voices, they’ve been talking to you since you were a kid. They don’t stop. I know what it’s like Ted,” Spencer says, inching closer and closer to him, “Leo? Why don’t you let him think for himself?” Spencer says, trying to use the man’s delusion against him.

“Don’t! Stop, you’re trying to trick me!” the man begs, whipping the gun around too close to Spencer’s face, “stop!”

You always listen to Spencer. Whatever he talks about, you listen. From Russian cinema to Star Trek to the Birch and Swinnerton-Dyer conjecture, you listen to him. It’s not that hard and it’s easy to get lost in his eyes or the way his hands move when he talks. But the seconds leading up to when the gunshot goes off, you’re not listening.

Because without Spencer, there isn’t much worth listening to.

***

Your eyes are squeezed shut so when a large hand hovers over your shoulder you jump at the touch. It takes you all of ten seconds to realize it’s Spencer. You look him over, searching for signs of mortal wounds that will rip him from your clutches, but there isn’t any.

“You’re okay,” you say, wanting nothing more but to kiss him or yell at him, or maybe a mix of the two, “you’re okay,” you repeat, not fully believing it the first time.

“We’re okay,” Spencer says, hugging you tight as you collapse into his arms, not caring if the rest of the team watches.

“I haven’t been fair to you, Spence,” you say, breaking from the hug to caress his face. You stop, holding his face in your hands, soaking him in, “you’re not someone who gets strung along, baby. I fucking love you and you-you mean so much to me. And I hate-I hate that it took you almost dying for me to realize that,” you cry, unable to care anymore.

“You love me?” Spencer whispers, unable, himself to care that they have an audience, “You love me back, but I’m, I-I,”

“Spencer,” you tell him, pausing to kiss him fully, “I,” you plant another kiss, on his right cheek, “love,” left cheek, “you,” forehead.

“You do, don’t you?” he says, looking at you with a proud smirk, “I guess that’s good because, I love you, Y/N. I don’t go risk my life just for everyone,”

“Watch yourself, baby,” you remind him, channeling the surge of pure life that runs through your veins, “you’re in for it later, my darling,” you tell him, whispering into his ear so only he can hear.

***

You didn’t even give him time to breathe before you pushed him up against the wall. Spencer’s hands still held yours, you don’t think that he dropped them since you two safely exited the train. He whimpers through the kiss, his breathy moan only serving to spur you on. His hands broke from yours, clinging to your waist. Spencer tries to peel your clothes from your skin, but he's much too distracted by your lips that travel across his cheekbones and down to his neck. He’s breathless and panting, but you don’t let up. If he’s breathing, he’s alive and that’s all that matters now.

“I’m so sorry, so sorry,” Spencer pleads, the desperation in his voice causing you to pause from your attack on his neck, “I-I, Y/N,” he stutters, feeling empty without your kisses.

“I’m not mad, sweet boy. I’m not mad at you,” you say, laying on a sweet voice as your fingers skim through Spencer’s hair. He’s shaking slightly and closes his eyes, looking like he’s grateful to be alive.

“You’re not, but I wasn’t good,” he whispers, “I wasn’t good for you, Mommy,”

You do everything in your power to keep your composure, but after a day like today, you’re ready to melt into him. He might be the one begging at your feet soon, but there’s no doubt in your mind that it’s you who's wrapped around his finger. He looks up at you, with his back leaning against the wall; his face flushed pink and marks littering his neck.

“You scared me, Spence. I thought- I just let me take care of you,” you request, dropping your hands from his hair and grabbing onto his hand as you lead him to your bedroom. You’ve made it a habit to go to your place after cases; Spencer claims that the sunlight that dips into your bedroom in the morning is more pleasant than his view of the street, but you know he just prefers your bed and the attention he gets at your place.

“Please, Y/N,” he begs, following you into the bedroom. He’s at your heels and burrowed deeply in your heart, exactly where you want him.

You drop his hands, guiding him so his knees hit the edge of your plush bed. He kicks off his shoes and starts to undo his tie and shirt, but you stop him before he gets the chance.

“Let me do that for you, baby. I’m taking care of you tonight,” you say, feeling your heart swell as he looks up at you adoringly, “Mommy’s got you, my brave boy,” you tell him, your fingers grazing over his cheekbones, his nose and eyes. His eyes close as you continue to draw shapeless shapes over his skin.

“Thank you,” he mutters, saying it like a pray as he relaxes for the first time today, “thank you, Mommy,”

You smile at the name, enjoying how pliant he is as you unbutton his shirt and loosen his tie. His flushed cheeks lead down his equally flushed chest. You place both your legs over his body, hovering over him as you straddle him. The proximity eggs him on and the minimal friction near his pants causes him to buck up words. Mercilessly, you chuckle at his attempt to get off. You want nothing more than to put him out of his misery, but watching him squirm for the tiniest bit of affection— your affection makes you nearly as desperate as Spencer.

“Patience, sweetheart,” you tell him, harshly pulling off his shirt as you nibble on his ear. He whimpers out in desire, already unable to form coherent thoughts even though you’ve so much as kissed him.

You stop touching him, sinking down to your knees before him. Spencer looks down at you, his pupils blown and his hair messy from being pushed up against the wall. His breathing is erratic and unmeasured, but he’s heart is still beating. You smile, unafraid and not caring that it breaks character as you give his thigh a squeeze. You bring his hands to his buttons, motioning for him to unbutton his pants for you.

“I can’t do all the work now, can I, baby?” You question rhetorically, quite self satisfied that he nods eagerly. He quickly undoes his pants, kicking the heavy corduroy trousers near your bathroom door. If the moment wasn’t so tense and erratic, you probably would have teased him for his excitement.

“I want to touch you, please? Mommy” Spencer starts, his hands holding your face as you kneel. He holds your face so delicately and gently, it’s a contrast to the sinful way he’s squirming above you.

“Not yet,” you tsk, slipping your finger under the waistband of his boxers. The bulge in his underwear looks very uncomfortable, but Spencer clearly tries his best to behave under your strong stare. You peel back the underwear and let it drop to Spencer’s feet. His cock, now exposed, is painfully hard. He concentrates on his breathing and trying to remain composed as your fingers travel up his leg and towards his groin.

“There’s my pretty boy,” you coo, grabbing Spencer’s jaw and making him look down at you. He lets pitiful whine at your words, “Come on, make my fingers nice and wet,” you order, sticking out two fingers that he sucks enthusiastically.

“What a good little slut I have, you’re sucking Mommy’s fingers just as if it’s my strap, aren’t you sweet boy,” you say, gently resting your other palm loosely around his neck. You don’t apply any pressure, but let it serve as a reminder of what could happen.

Happily, Spencer sucks your fingers, moaning around them and bucking his hips up in frustration. Marred by impatience, you remove your fingers from his mouth and kneel back down on the floor. Loosely, you grip his cock with your wet fingers. Spencer whines at the friction that’s nothing close to enough.

“Tell me how that feels,” you demand, “Tell Mommy how I makes you feel,”

“I-I feel,” Spencer starts, concentrating intently, but unable to truly articulate the passion you ignite in him, “Mommy, you make me feel so good,” Spencer says, finally finding the words, even though they barely scratch the surface.

“That’s all I want, baby. You deserve to feel good. So let me take care of you, my love,” you tell him, watching as he simpers at your words.

For a second there you let yourself think that maybe it’s calling him my love that prompted his reaction, not the promise of his cock in your mouth. You know after tonight there’s no tip toeing around it anymore: you’re unequivocally in love with him and you’re a little disappointed that it took the pair of you nearly dying to figure it out finally.

Looking back up at him, you abandon your plans for a moment. You kiss him hard. Normally, you’d hate the way your teeth clash against someone else’s and how the kiss isn’t really a kiss. It’s hard to pace yourself when he’s whimpering below you as you grind down hard on his crotch. The fabric of your pants provides much needed friction, causing Spencer to cry out in a twisted mix of pleasure and pain. He paws at your work short, silently begging for you to shed your layers as well.

“Good boys wait,” you tell him, kissing his forehead and sinking back down for the last time. You’ll never be done teasing him, but for now you intend to put his needs first.

“Such a pretty cock that only I get to see,” you coo, running a finger up his length, relishing in how he shudders at your touch. You’ve touched him so many times, yet he reacts each time as if it’s the first. He’s leaking precum as his breathing becomes more and more strained. This is far from your first time with Spencer and you’re well aware of the signs of his release.

Smiling up at him, you lazily wrap your hand around him, giving him the smallest bit of friction and attention that he needs to come. You drop him once he’s close to the edge, his pleading, begging eyes turning glazed over when he realizes you’re taking off your shirt. By the way he’s looking at you, you’d think you’d be wearing your best lingerie. Quickly, you’ve learned that with Spencer you could be wearing your ratty college tee shirts and he’d still look at you like you were dripping in gold.

“Mommy,” he pleads, “I’m a good boy,” he says, no trying to convince himself to hold back from his release, “please Mommy. I’m gonna-“ Spencer says, the flush on his face deepening as he throws his head back in ecstasy. However, he summons enough energy and will to reach out and palm your boobs. You don’t hide your moans as he rolls a nipple in between his thumb and pointer finger. It only encourages him, but nowhere can you find in yourself to care.

“I’m sorry, Mommy,” Spencer whimpers, unable to hold himself up anymore and collapsing on the bed. His chest heaves up and down as he tries to collect himself. He comes all over your chest, staining your lavender bralette and looking very proud of himself. Spencer learned quickly as well that coming before you’ve even touched him earns him quite the praise.

“Such a good boy,” you praise, choosing to ignore him coming without permission, “such a messy boy though,” you chastise, squeezing his thigh and crawling your fingers up his chest.

“Mommy, please, I want to make you feel good too. I love you,” Spencer begs, his eyes droopy with exhaustion from the long day and glazed over with his orgasm. His words slur together as if he's drunk off something potent. His eyes meet yours, but flit down quickly. He scans your soiled chest, licking his lips unconsciously as his eyes rank over your breasts covered in the lavender lacy and stained with his cum.

“Do you know what good boys do?” You ask, expecting Spencer to answer the question without hesitation.

“They clean up their mess, Mommy,” he says. In a moment of bravery, he grabs your hand, guiding you to lay down on the bed. He twists his hands around your back, unlatching your bra from your body and tosses it on the ground.

Above you, Spencer lowers his face so his chin barely grazes your chest. His tongue darts out onto your skin, licking up the messy cum that fell on your chest. You place your hands in his hair, gripping firmly. It’s not hard enough to cause any pain, but it’s tight enough to remind him to stay put. Spencer hums contently, lapping up your chest, but keeping his eyes trained on yours. You pull him up by his hair, pieces fall over his blissed out eyes. He smiles up at you, his chin glistening with cum, but looking pleased with himself.

“That’s a good boy,” you praise, pulling him up to kiss him deeply. His tongue swirls around in yours and his large hands cup your face. You can feel him moving in your lap, more and more desperate for attention and friction as you continue to hold him off, “I love you, baby,” you say, hoping that he’ll hear enough times for it to stick and for him to start living his life like he wants to stay alive.

“Just for you, Mommy,” Spencer mumbles, already sucking and marking the valley between your breasts, “Can you? Please?” Spencer asks, still embarrassed, after all these months to put to words his desires.

“What, baby? You need to use your words,” you tell him, scooting up in the bed and smirking to yourself as Spencer practically chases you up the headboard, “You need to tell him what you want me to do, baby,” you say, talking slowly as you rub circles into his skin. He’s still hot to the touch and flushed all over.

“I want to make you feel good,” Spencer begs, licking his fiery red lips that are swollen and bitten from your earlier treatment, “I want you to feel good,” he says, attempting to buck his hips against your legs.

“Are you sure about that, Spence?” you ask, teasing him with your wandering hands. One stays latching in his hair, exposing his criminally bare neck and the other sneaks down to his cock, but hardly satisfies his burning need, “Because it seems like you’re an insolent little slut who only cares if he gets off. Do I need to remind you that I have needs as well,” you chide, increasing your grip on his hair as your lips nip the sensitive skin of his neck. He shudders in response, unable to fully articulate a sentence.

“But you’re lucky, you’re beautiful, Dr. Reid,” you say, dropping his hair and letting his head fall onto your chest. Knowing your expectations, Spencer doesn’t hesitate to kiss and nip along your skin. You feel your panties dampen at the sight of him: his hair wild and messy, his neck marked with evidence of your mouth, and his chest is bright red, somehow still flustered and embarrassed by your affections. You find it bizarre that he still doesn’t fully believe just how head over heels you are for him. He’s too good and pure for this world, and you’ll happily spend the rest of your life reminding him just how deserving of goodness and pureness he is.

“I love you,” Spencer whimpers against your skin, his breath is hot as he pants, “but please fuck me,” he begs, flipping around on his back so you can be on top.

“Don’t worry, sweet boy, Mommy will take care of you,” you remind him, balancing yourself so you can hover over him, “Now, I’d normally want you to be quiet, but I want to hear everything. So use that pretty mouth of yours and tell me how you feel, sweetie,” you instruct, maneuvering yourself so you’re lined up with him.

“Give me a second, please,” Spencer asks, pushing himself up so his back rests against the headboard, “You make me crazy, I just need a moment to think,” he says, quietly, staring off nothing in the bedroom. You take the opportunity to grab his hand, that’s gripping onto your floral patterned sheets, and kiss his scars on his knuckles. Some are new and fresh, while others are old, from longer ago than working at the BAU. You kiss them over, as if your lips are able to help the evidence of his physical pain.

“You make me crazy too, Spencer,” You say, growing more and more unhinged as he moves underneath you, “I love you so much, darling,” you tell him, kissing his eyes, lips, nose, anything you can reach.

Slowly, so slowly, you sink down onto Spencer. You watch his microexpressions, but you know how he’ll react. He squeezes his eyes shut, as if he’s willing himself to hold off. He breathes in and out, teetering on the edge. You wait for his nod, for his sign of approval that you can move. He whines and peeks open his eyes. Spencer’s hands dig into your waist, his strong, large hands searching for any skin to grab onto.

“Please move, Mommy,” Spencer begs, burying his head into the crook of your neck as he starts to plead with you to have mercy on him, “I need it, Mommy,” he moans.

“Don’t be greedy, darling. You’ll take what I give you, but don’t you want to make me feel good too, baby,” you ask, guiding his nimble fingers to your slick core. His thumb and pointer finger begin to rub quick circles around your clit. You bite your lip, trying to keep your composure as you feel the pressure build. Between the heightened tensions of work and Spencer's hot breath against your neck, you know that you’ll come soon. Spencer’s breathy moans get more and more desperate.

“Are you already going to come again, love?” You ask, increasing your pace. His other hand grips your thigh, drawing shapes into your soft skin. Following suit, you match his sweet movements on his cheek. His breath is his shaky as you stroke his cheek lovingly, “Make me come first and then, maybe if you’re good, I’ll let you come inside me,” you promise, already knowing that you’ll let him come inside you.

“Watch you disappear inside me, baby. Watch your pretty cock slip inside my pussy. It’s just like you were made for me, darling,” you cry, your voice getting slightly breathy yourself. You watch yourself as his cock goes in and out, red with overstimulation. Spencer’s eyes, littered with small tears, looks transfixed.

“Fuck,” Spencer says, “I’m so close, Mommy. I-I, you make me feel so good. You’re so beautiful, I-I-”

“So needy, you’re so fucking needy,” you say to him. You can tell he’s growing more and more impatient by the moment. His hands lurch towards your chest, pawing at your boobs. Spencer’s sloppy movements bring you closer and closer to the edge.

“So good, so good,” he repeats, his sweaty forehead rests on your collarbone. You pull him up again his hair, relishing in the pitiful moan that he lets out. It’s raw and pure sin, it should make you want to fuck him more, but it only makes you want to love him more.

You’re drunk on him. Drunk on his moans and whimpers of pleasure. You’re drunk on the way his skin sticks to yours and how his hands roam around your body, always finding a spot on your torso and legs that makes you approach the edge closer and closer. You wonder, for a second, if you’re being too hard on him. If you should just whisper that little sentence and let Spencer feel the wave of pleasure.

“I need it, Mommy,” Spencer pants, kissing lined up your chest and collarbone. His face is pressed up against your face and moves up and down as you continue your pace, “I-I, Mommy, I want you to-”

“What do you want, baby? Hmm? Tell Mommy?” You ask, your voice sounding sickly sweet. The noise of moans fills the room, Spencer’s moan akin to whimpers and whines and your’s more like praises and words of approval, “you’ve been such a good boy, baby I’ll give you want whatever you want, my love”

“Please, please let me make you come, Mommy. I need you to come, Mommy. I need it,” Spencer whines, looking up into your eyes and latching onto them in the darkness.

It’s sinful how the filthy words contrast with his sweet, shy tones. He looks so innocent, but enthralling with his face between your hands, but his own hands rubbing small circles on your clit. His moans grow more high pitched. You kiss by his ear, ready to whisper the words of approval that you’ve neared your release.

“Oh god, Spencer. God. You have no idea what you do to me. My sweet boy,” you murmur, pressing Spencer’s face further into your chest. You can feel him heave and his breathing grow more and more unsteady, but he still has enough sense to continue rubbing your clit.

You kiss him, wanting to feel him everywhere when you come undone. Kissing him is desperate and full of gasps of air. His skin is so soft as you slide across his mouth, up his cheeks, and over his jaw. His helpless moans spur you on, giving you the strength and energy to thrust down on him another time before you feel yourself come undone.

“It’s your turn, baby. Come on, sweetheart. Come inside me and maybe I’ll have to call you daddy? Hmm?” you chant, halting your movements to torture him a little longer.

“Please, Y/N. Please let me fill you up,” Spencer begs, his voice hoarse and scratchy from being so vocal, “I’m yours. I love you so much,” he calls out, wrapping his arms around you so your chests are pressed up together. He holds you sweetly and you kiss his shoulders and his neck, choosing to leave a large red welt as a reminder for him.

“You like that? Hmm you like if I call you Daddy and let you fill me up? Come on, Spencer. You can come. Don’t you want to be a good boy for Mommy?,” you say, giving him the permission that he’s been desiring all night.

He tightens his grip on your upper half as he meets his release. Spencer’s strangled moans turn into sweet whimpers as he looks down into your laps. Quietly, you ride him through the rest of his orgasm, letting him come down from his high peppered with light pecks along his freckled shoulders and sharp jawline. Spencer smiles into the kisses, his eyes are shut and his cheeks are dusted with a light pink flush. For the first time today, he looks relaxed and safe.

“Thank you, Mommy,” Spencer says quietly, mirroring your motions and kissing your shoulders and neck as you slow your pace, “Can we stay like this. Just for a moment,” Spencer asks, burning for the feeling of being inside you for even a couple more minutes.

“Of course, baby,” you tell him, squeezing him into a tight hug, “you did so wonderful for me. Such a good boy. I love my sweet boy,” you tell him, brushing the stray hairs from his face. His neck is marked by your mouth and his eyes are glazed with sleep and desire.

“I love you,” Spencer says again, his forehead falling against yours and his breath hitching as you move slightly with him inside you, “and I’m sorry. I’m sorry about today,”

“Let’s get you cleaned up, sweetheart and then we’ll talk about it,” you suggest, taking the opportunity to kiss his lips as you pull yourself away from his lap.

Spencer doesn’t say much in response, but nods silently. He groans slightly as you separate your bodies and he tries to chase your lips with his as you climb out of the bed and into your bathroom.

“Please come back,” Spencer says, sounding like he wasn’t sure if you’d keep your promise.

“I’m right here, Spence,” you reassure him, returning from the bathroom dressed in an old tee shirt and carrying a warm, damp washcloth and a pair of clean underwear for Spencer.

“Can you please hold me? Please, Y/N. I need you,” Spencer says, reaching out to you in the dark. That’s one request you know you’d never deny.

“Of course, Spence. Just let me clean you up and I’ll hold you,” you tell him, gently dragging the warm towel over his skin. He’s quiet as you clean him up, but his soulful eyes look lost and sheepish, making him look smaller and more vulnerable than he actually is. You drop the towel to the floor, not caring that the water isn’t good for the floor.

You lay back down on the bed and Spencer, like a magnet to another magnet, crawls in close. He’s still undressed, except for the underwear that you gave him. His eyes are droopy and his breathing is still shaky, but steadies out as your hands draw circles on his back. You pull the covers up to his chin, making sure he’s covered before you start what you know all too well is a difficult conversation.

“Spencer,” you croak, “Why did you do that? Why do you think that’s okay?” you ask, still trying to make sense of why Spencer would risk his life like that so recklessly. You hold him tighter, squeezing his arm as he breathes out, ready to tell you what he’s never told anyone before.

“Bec-, because- I don’t matter,” he says, the words choking out between cries of years and years of pain, “because it doesn’t matter to anyone if I don’t come home. I don’t have anyone to come home to,”

“You’ve always had me,” you say quietly, “I’m your person to come home with, Spence,” you tell him, hoping with all the faith in your body that he’ll believe you. You hold his hand, weaving your fingers in his. Looking at your hands intertwined together, you’d think that your hand was made for it. It’s a little cliche, but Spencer is the kind of man that makes all those cliches seem like wonderful possibilities.

“I-I, I never had someone before,” Spencer says, “I mean, I had my mom, but it’s gotten harder. But then, then, I met you. And I never thought you’d like me like that, Y/N. I never thought you could love me,”

“Spencer,” you say, twisting around so you can hold his face in your hands, “Spencer, I love you. You are so much more than your job. You’re worthy of being loved, Goose. And I’d spend the rest of my life making you realize this”

“You want to spend the rest of your life- the rest of your life with me?” Spencer asks, sounding like he can’t believe the words that you say.

“Spence, I’ve loved you since I’ve known you,” you say, dragging your hands through his curly hair that’s matted against his forehead, “You would have realized that if you weren’t too carried away with making me your future history,”

“I think I have a habit of doing that,” Spencer confesses, kissing your forehead sweetly, “You’re- I’m sorry that I worried you like that, but for so long, for so long this is all I’ve had. And before that it was school. I throw myself into academia or work because it’s all I had,”

“Had,” you repeat, “as in the past tense. You’ve had some much more than too, Spence. We all love you. Elle and Derek. JJ and Hotch. Penny and Gideon. We all love you, but I love you the most,”

“Good,” Spencer replies, turning his head down to kiss you, “because I love you the most,”

His lips glide across yours, moving slowly at first and faster as he grows more urgent. There’s no sense in rushing through. You could kiss him lazily in your bed all night and continue until it gives way to morning. There’s no time limit, no buzzer that’s going to go off and force Spencer to whole himself back up into his past. He smiles through the kiss, knowing well that there’s more to come tomorrow, or maybe even tonight. His lips were warm and soft, maybe still a little tender from before, but still eager to feel your lips against his. Breathing together, savoring that you both are breathing, you smile yourself, fully ready for whatever comes next.

***

Taglist (not my usual taglist because I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable bc this is smut. You can join the taglist here!)

@shemarmooresfedora @just-another-persona123 @folkreid @idonotexiste @pastelbabygirl19 @reidsbookclub @fandomfriend33 @spencersrose @strawberryspence

[lycanresistance]

Aarmau Is Not Healthy - A Deconstructive Analysis On Aaron And Aphmau’s Relationship (updated)

This is the third updated rewrite of my previous Aarmau analysis. The conclusion is the same, but it includes more details.

IMPORTANT NOTE: I’m NOT trying to say that you should ship another ship, or say anything about the actors or writers here. I am simply analyzing the content as it is presented, which is generally what you’re supposed to do with shows and the like. Anyways… 

Warnings for discussions of child abuse, neglect, unhealthy relationships, etc. Standard canon Mystreet stuff.

So, to start this off, I'm going to state something that is both canon and important to this particular analysis: Aaron was abused by his parents, Derek and Rachel Lycan (more by Derek, but I'm not excusing her actions either). It's canon and displayed in several episodes, particularly Phoenix Drop High S2, Falcon Claw University, Lover’s Lane, Woof’s Tale, and in the flashbacks in Emerald Secret. They left him home alone with no food for unknown amounts of time, they called him a monster, they guilt tripped him into staying with them, etc. This is touched on a lot of Aaron and Derek’s Aphmau wikia page if you want to read up on it, because there's a lot and since that isn't the main point of this I don't want to spend to long harping on surface level analysis.

In Falcon Claw University, Aaron is being kept in isolation and treated as a monster by Derek and the people Derek has hired to keep Aaron away from people. This causes this exchange between them in FCU EP.1, “Meeting In Person”:

Aaron: I can't say. Aphmau: Huh? Aaron: I can't say why I've been gone for two years without saying a word. It's a private matter and it's hard to bring up. I can't tell you if I’ve changed as a person, because I don't even know myself as it stands. But what I do know is that I want to be your friend so bad. I really did miss you, and I hope you can understand. Aphmau: Can I ask, if you ever get the courage to tell me… would you? Aaron: Yes. I would.

Despite her wanting to know about what happened, years later when he actually tells her she blatantly doesn't care about his feelings and goes as far to invite them back into his life without his permission or even giving him a heads up, after not seeing them for years, presumably since running away in Falcon Claw University EP.30.

In EP.1 of the Mystreet Holiday Special, “Aphmau and Aaron’s First Christmas,” when Aphmau invites his family over without telling him, and they have the following conversation:

Aphmau: I wanted to invite Aaron’s family over for the holidays, even if it is just for one day, or a few. Aaron: But Aph, I told you what— Aphmau: I know what happened. But Aaron, it's the holiday season. I want to forgive and forget. And maybe try to start over.

Even if Aphmau wants to ‘forgive and forget,’ she has no right to bring Aaron’s abusers back into his life without even consulting him first. She acts as if the world is centered around her, even in situations where it’s obviously Aaron’s business to make a decision. She even cuts Aaron off, not letting him finish what he had to say.

Aaron: Aph, is this really what you want? Aphmau: Yes. Aaron… If I'm going to be in your life, I want to know your life. And that starts with the people who raised you. Even if they've been… not nice, at least it lets us take a chance to get to know them.

During EP.2 of the Christmas special, “Aaron’s Dad,” Aphmau continues to ignore Aaron’s feelings even more blatantly:

Aaron: My dad… [sighs.] I haven't seen or talked to him in such a long time. I don't know what to prepare you for. Aphmau: Hey, Aaron… however your dad is, I’m sure he's fine. Besides, it's the holidays! Holiday magic is sure to make him at least somewhat pleasant.  Aaron: It's sweet of you to think that way, but— Aphmau: Upupup! Holiday magic. Now, let's get back downstairs before your mom and my mom kill each other! Aaron: But—  Aphmau: Holiday magic, Aaron. Holiday magic! [Aphmau exits, leaving Aaron behind.]

In EP.3, “CHRISTMAS BOY FIGHT!” Aphmau says the following to Derek:

Aphmau: Honestly, you seem like a nice person, and I’m sure you are…

Aphmau says this while knowing presumably nothing about Derek, except that he mistreated Aaron while growing up and even now won’t spend any time with him.

During this mini arc, despite Aphmau claiming she’s doing this to ‘know his life,’ it never once occurs to Aphmau that to better understand Aaron she should simply ask him about his life. She disregards Aaron’s own experiences in comfort for the flimsy notion of ‘getting to know him’ despite never actually doing so.

This kind of dismissal of Aaron’s feelings isn’t a one time thing, either. She continues to do so in EP.24 of Mystreet S3: Lover’s Lane, “The Break-Up”:

Aaron: Aph… I haven’t been spending a lot of time with you lately. You have to have noticed that. Aphmau: Noticed it? [Laughs.] I barely have! It feels like I’m always with you, considering how fast the days go. They’re going by a little too fast, too be honest. Aaron: You… haven’t noticed…? Aphmau: Nope! I’ve been busy. Oh, hey! Is that a cheesecake? Aaron: [Sighs.] Aph, can we just spend tonight… alone? Aphmau: Thanks, Aaron. We'll spend more time tomorrow. I promise. [Flashback.] Rachel: We'll spend more time tomorrow, Aaron. I promise. [End of Flashback] Aaron: (to himself) Why can't I get myself to tell her about these memories? How I'm feeling... I just want to support her and see her happy. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

While this isn’t inherently evil behaviour from Aphmau, she’s being extremely selfish here. She refuses to consider Aaron’s feelings over her own even when he’s clearly hurt, and despite (apparently) knowing of his issues caused by neglect and abandonment by his parents, she doesn’t factor this in to anything. Later, while apologizing, she admits she ignored how he was feeling. However, Aaron apologizes for it too, which considerably lessens the impact that this scene is supposed to have. This wasn’t Aaron’s fault. He tried to tell her how he was feeling and she dismissed him.

After the Lover’s Lane finale, Aaron seems to be moving on from his parent’s influence. For example, take what he says in Aaron’s Ticket (the season 4 prequel) EP.1:

Derek: I'll pay you a lot for this! Aaron: ...Normally, I wouldn't listen to you, but…

Aaron only takes the job because he needs the money. This shows that he is no longer putting up with how his parents treat him.

But now, he's on vacation with them in Starlight. Post-Emerald Secret they got what they wanted back in Lover’s Lane: to force Aaron back into their life. Most likely because of Emerald Secret EP.17, where Aphmau and Derek have a heart to heart of sorts where Derek realizes 30 years too late he ruined his son’s life and makes a half assed apology while Aphmau cries, and the Derek (and by extension, Rachel) decide that everything is now good and they can go back to being one big happy nuclear family.

Growth is defined by learning. Aphmau could grow and learn from her past mistakes in her relationship with Aaron, but she doesn’t. She allows Aaron’s parents back into his life yet again while he’s dying, and doesn’t once even stop to say or consider that they were bad to him and this could do more harm than good.

Also, lets not forget that in Emerald Secret EP.10 Aphmau openly admits she'd rather have him harmed than have another woman be near him:

Aphmau: What's going on? Tatiana: We need him to wake up! Aphmau: Why? What's wrong? Tatiana: Our alpha is coming. If he finds him here, he'll hurt him! Aphmau: Huh? What? Tatiana: [Embracing Aaron]. Wake up! Please! Aphmau: What are you doing to him? Tatiana: He needs more of my body heat! Aphmau: Oh no he doesn't! Hey! Let go of him! Aaron: [Waking up] Ah, Aph, you feel so… warm… huh? [Notices Tatiana and jumps] Woah! What the— who are you? Aphmau: “You're so warm.” What was that supposed to mean? Aaron: Aph! You're here! Aphmau: Of course I am. Remember?

He almost died, and her immediate reaction is to be angry at him for practically nothing. Then this exchange happens:

Tatiana: I wanted to thank you for before - for what you did in the forest. Aphmau: What’d you do in the forest, Aaron?! Aaron: I have no idea what’s going on! Tatiana: I didn’t know men could be so kind and gentle. Aphmau: What?! Aaron: I don’t know what she’s talking about! [Aphmau throws a rock at Aaron’s head, which he dodges.] Aaron: Woah!

While it is understandable that Aphmau would interpret her words this way (we, as the viewer, know she’s talking about the wolf that Aaron rescued earlier, but Aphmau and Aaron don’t), her throwing a rock at his head should not be her first instinct.

Let's contrast this example with an almost identical one: when Aaron has picture proof of Aph cheating in Lover’s Lane (even though she didn't) he thinks rationally about the situation and firmly believes that Aph wouldn't do that to him since they love each other.

Aaron: I wanted to ask you about that. Melissa: The picture? I figured. If that isn't enough evidence for you, then I don't know what is. Aaron: I'm sorry, but that is not enough evidence for me to think that Aph would do that.

When Aphmau is presented with a couple vague statements that could be taken as Aaron cheating, she throws a rock at Aaron’s head immediately despite him verbally protesting. When Aaron is presented with photographic evidence, he concludes that he trusts Aphmau and that this isn’t enough proof that she would do something like that. (I’d like to note, I’m not trying to say Aaron should've distrusted her, she didn’t do anything wrong. Aphmau was in the wrong here, Aaron was in the right.)

In Lover’s Lane (which I should note is a season that’s actually comedy) when the topic of cheating comes up, it’s handled seriously because it is serious. Yet in Emerald Secret, which is an actual plot-driven season, Aphmau possibly hurting Aaron over a misunderstanding played off for a cheap laugh.

This is because it factors in to their own messed up relationship with their parents. In Emerald Secret, Aphmau is viewing Aaron through the lens of her father — the fear that he’ll cheat and abandon her is pervasive, even though Aaron has never made any indication that he’s anything but unheathily ride-or-die for the relationship. However, much like her mother’s occasional outbursts, Aphmau’s reaction is kneejerk violence.

On the flip side, Aaron views Aphmau through the lens of his mom — as mentioned earlier, in Lover’s Lane EP.24, Aaron’s mind directly compares the words that Aphmau are saying to him with his mother’s, and rationalizes Aphmau’s actions in the same way, that because she loves him, it’s acceptable.

Both of them are using the other to fill the role of a toxic absent parent in these scenarios, but never seem to actually acknowledge this as harmful. It’s the rational outcome for them.

The idea of Aphmau trying to ‘get to know Aaron’s life’ from a self-oriented perspective like in the Christmas special as discussed earlier isn’t a one time thing. During EP.17 of Starlight, “Make Me Like You…” and EP. 18, “Choose…” Aphmau asks Aaron to turn her into a werewolf to better understand him. He eventually does, and Sylvanna explains why this was a bad decision to her in EP.34, “Cursed”:

Sylvanna: I want to hear your reasoning. Aphmau: I wanted to turn because I wanted to understand Aaron better. I felt that something was calling me too… I didn’t want Aaron to go through something alone again. I wanted him to know I was there. Sylvanna: That’s not a good reason to become a werewolf. Mija, we’re hispanic. Someone doesn’t have to become hispanic in order to understand us. That’s ignorant, and flat-out disrespectful to that culture. Essentially, that’s what you did.

Like Sylvanna said, becoming something for someone else isn’t a healthy mindset to have. To understand someone you need to listen to them and understand them, not simply emulate their experiences in an attempt to live it yourself. Communication is a core part of relationships. While this particular situation Aaron isn’t completely blameless — he did agree to turn her — Aphmau’s outlook on situations like relationships is deeply flawed. From inviting his parents over even though he vocally expressed discomfort to asking him to turn her into a werewolf, Aphmau’s outlook on their relationship is distorted. As shown in Lover’s Lane, Aaron’s attempts of communication often are ignored by Aphmau in favour of her extreme method of ‘understanding.’ The best way to get to know someone’s life is to listen, something Aphmau time and time again seems to avoid.

Throughout Starlight, Aphmau is obsessed with making sure that her and Aaron’s reunion is perfect, but under her terms. For example, during Starlight EP.5, “Scars,” Aphmau heals Aaron’s scars, permanently altering his body while he’s asleep, injuring herself in the process for something she didn’t even get permission from him to do. It’s entirely selfish, focused on aesthetics, and betrays a lack of communication that is pervasive in this pairing.

Finally, let’s discuss Falcon Claw University. Sit down and ask yourself: “What was the message of FCU?” Although others might have different interpretations, I personally interpret it as being about connection and relationships. It’s a season defined by the interactions and feelings other characters have about themselves and those around them, with a particular focus on the nature of romance. Let’s take this scene from EP.25, “Garroth’s Confession.”

Garroth: I really like you! I’ve been trying to tell you since— ever since the first time I saw you on campus. The feelings I’ve had for you since high school… they haven’t left me. I just— I wanted to see if you and I could try to be something together. I understand I’ve done some horrible things to you, but… Aphmau: Garroth… what do you like about me? Garroth: Huh? Aphmau: What do you like about me, Garroth? Garroth: I, um… I like you mind, and body, and— wait, that wasn’t meant to say, I— Aphmau: Garroth… this hurts because I don’t want to turn you down. I want you to be happy, and I still want to be friends. Garroth… I need to tell you the truth. I’m not ready for a relationship right now. Garroth: You— you aren’t? Aphmau: I’m not. Garroth: When will you be? Aphmau: I don’t know, Garroth. Perhaps when I find the right person… I’m not saying that you’re not the right person, I’m just saying that finding the right person takes time for some people. For me that’s true. Garroth: I understand.  Aphmau: I get if you don’t want to be friends after this. But— Garroth: No! It’s— It’s my fault for bringing this to you so suddenly.  Aphmau: No, it’s not. If anything it’s mine for letting my heart close.

(I’d like to note that for some reason Aphmau insists that she’s the only one who should apologize in this situation, but years later when Aaron does something it’s fine for them to both apologize even though he didn’t do anything? Did she get less self aware as she grew up?)

Anyways, analyzing the nature of attraction is a common theme throughout this season. During EP.21, “Aphmau’s Date?” Betty asks Jenny about her feelings for Aaron.

Jenny: Betty, I think you’re overthinking this. Aaron is a simple guy who wants a family. Betty: What else do you know about him? Jenny: He likes Galaxy Wars, and… um… 

This culminates in EP.30, “Leaving The Past Behind,” when Jenny and Aaron have this conversation:

Aaron: Jenny, I’m sorry for—  Jenny: No. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for the way I was to you. The truth is, after talking to Betty and hearing Cathy just admit to what she did, I realized that I was more so in love with the idea of you and not really into you as a person. Aaron: ...Yeah. I could tell. Jenny: I think I have some things to think about when it comes to love. So, if this counts for anything… I’m really sorry about what I put you through. Aaron: I accept the apology. I just don’t want to go through that again. Jenny: Yeah. Well, see you around.

So, with this in mind, let’s look at how Aaron views Aphmau’s feelings about him. In EP.15 of Emerald Secret, after being stabbed and shoved off a cliff by a mind-controlled Aphmau, Garroth and Aaron say this:

Garroth: How are you even alive? I saw what Aph did to you… Aaron: That wasn’t Aph! She would never do that! Garroth: Aaron…  Aaron: Aphmau was the first friend I ever had. She was the first person to speak to me with compassion. She saw me for more than I was… and more than I ever will be.

To Aaron, Aphmau was the first person who ever showed him kindness. He spent his entire life being isolated and treated like a monster. He loves Aphmau because she loves him, and he thinks that he doesn’t even deserve that.

This is not a healthy way of looking at a relationship. Aphmau has gone her entire life with people who love her. During PDH, she has her mom, Travis, Vylad, Garroth, Laurance, and more. But during PDH, Aaron has no one. Feeling unlovable/unworthy, self-blame, extreme attachment behaviors in intimate relationships is commonly found in people who were emotionally abused as children. Aaron and Aphmau’s relationship is inherently imbalanced because unlike Aphmau, Aaron has almost no one else. While he does form more attachments as he grows up (Agent R., Garroth, etc.) Aaron is consistently seen as a loner who is outside the main group. This is especially relevant in Season 1. 

The thing is, they’ll never be on equal footing, because Aaron would never leave. In Season 6 EP.11, “End of a Lifetime,” Aphmau briefly doubts their relationship, stating that “Aaron would be better off without me.”

Irene in that scene assures her, existing as some kind of thesis statement of Aphmau’s character. ‘You deserve your friends even if they make mistakes because your friends make mistakes too and they choose to be with you,’ which on the surface isn’t like a bad message or anything, but in context it’s in somewhat bad taste. A recurring theme in Aphmau’s character is Aphmau saying ���I’m bad” and another character going “no you’re good, actually” without any self reflection and that’s super harmful. What Irene’s missing in that scene is that the important part of mistakes is that you learn from them, not that you make them. Everyone can make mistakes, but not everyone learns from them. To be a better person you need to learn from your mistakes.

Aaron and Aphmau are not on equal footing in their relationship. When they meet, Aphmau has a parent who loves her, and has begun to make close friends in high school. Aaron has no one, and is being subjected to abuse that has altered the way he views others and himself. Their entire relationship is based on this disconnect, with their age gap when they meet signifying this (14 and 18), but neither of them are even functioning at the average for their age. Aphmau grew up homeschooled and isolated (albeit much less so than Aaron), while Aaron has no experience in any sort of positive relationship. Aphmau is the first ever person to be nice to Aaron. When he leaves after FCU, and Aphmau reenters his life, he is working dead end hard labour jobs with presumably no friends or support. She rescued him from a bad place in his life, something that he doesn’t think he can ever repay. Once again, as he says in Emerald Secret EP.15: “She saw me for more than I was, and more than I ever will be.” If he never thought he was any more than this, why would he see mistreatment as anything other than what he deserves?

That’s the core problem with Aphmau’s mistreatment him — he doesn’t review what she’s done and decide to stay with her, he is fundamentally unaware of what healthy relationships are like and believes that what aphmau does to him is justified, because she loves him and thinks he’s worth more than he actually is. Aaron isn’t self-aware when he decides to stay with Aphmau. He has no way of knowing that he should ever leave her if she harms him, and therefore Aphmau’s treatment of him is not justified just because he stays with her. 

Aphmau, understandably, has a lot of problems. However, the problem with this is while it explains her actions, they’re nowhere near justified. If you have trauma that causes you to lash out against your boyfriend, you shouldn’t have a boyfriend until you deal with these problems. She is still actively causing harm to Aaron even if her reasons are understandable. Just like that, Aaron is not justified in killing people over what he percieves as his death. When your relationship leads you to these lengths, there is no way it can be healthy.

There is no great redeeming outcome. Aaron ends the series blinded, bruised, scarred by the void, fresh off what is essentially a suicide attempt, lethargic and unable to walk and grasping at memories, perhaps a blessing consider now he doesn’t have the guilt of a body count weighing him down. Him and Aphmau are not reunited. It was all for nothing at all, for parents who abused him and friends who are his girlfriend’s friends, a girlfriend who he never saw as worthy of him.

In conclusion, do I think Aarmau is abusive? Ehh, not outright. But it’s definitely unhealthy to a major degree and I do think that these issues should be seriously acknowledged because it’s essential to understanding their dynamic and their character’s perspective, and bastardizing for ~wholesome~ shipping content is woefully boring, not to mention a complete lack of media literacy and respect for abuse narratives.

Anyways, thanks for reading! Feel free to comment if you have anything you want to say. Unless it’s “Aarmau is perfect! Don’t hate!” in which case I don’t care. I’m not hating, I like their relationship more than you, because I like it for what it actually is in canon instead of tricking myself. Just saying.

[hournites]

Here to beg for my Hournite crumbs with "punching the guy who broke your best friend’s heart at prom"

The catered food at prom was easily some of the worst Rick’s ever tasted, so honestly, he understood why Yolanda started to feel sick when the DJ cranked the volume past an eardrum blasting decibel level.

He excused himself from the table when Yolanda covered over her ears and groaned. It’s not totally confirmed that Brainwave isn’t stuck in her head, even if she hadn’t had any migraine episodes in a year’s time, but he thought it was better to be safe than sorry.

“C’mon,” he said, pulling her up from the elbow when Courtney and Beth left to take selfies in the rented Photo Booth. “Let’s find you a dark room or something.”

They exited through the double gym doors and spilled out into the hall. Yolanda sighed with relief from the bass drop thudding at her skull, stumbling in her three inch heels. Rick tried the first few classrooms but there were still chaperones around, and the further away from the gym was the better.

“You’ve been in a mood all evening,” Yolanda muttered when Rick slammed his fist at another locked door. “It’s like you want to leave.”

“It’s whatever,” Rick said. “I’m not a prom person.”

“I thought it had to do with Beth.” She stopped to rest against a locker, sliding to the linoleum floor in her minidress. “I need Tylenol.”

Rick clenched his jaw. “Why would it have to do with Beth?” He glanced back at the chaperones. “I’ll find Miss Woods somewhere, she probably has some.”

“We all know you wanted to take her. Before. You know.”

“Before Who? Take what?” Rick pretended.

Yolanda rolled her eyes. “Rick.”

“What?” he snapped. “You want Tylenol or not?”

“Yes,” she said. “But can you just admit that you’re mad Beth is with Reese at prom?”

As annoyed as he was with that question, he hated to see Yolanda in pain. He shucked off his jacket and threw it at her. She took it and buried her head as he went to find a teacher.

Miss Woods was easy to find, arms crossed by the punch bowl to keep it from getting spiked. Rick explained to her the situation and she searched into her bag and produced an aspirin. Rick grabbed scooped up some punch with a paper cup. He spotted Beth coming his way with a flushed smile, still giggling from her photo session with Court. Both hands leaned against the plastic tablecloth on the folded tables, leaning in so Rick could hear her over the music. The dress she picked was unlike any other girl here, not that Rick expected anything different. A fifties-style sweetheart wrapped dress with yellow and green swirls on the skirt.

“Hey!” She breathed. Rick picked up another cup and filled some punch for her too. “Where’ve you been?”

“Yolanda isn’t feeling well.” He raised the white capsule. “I”m getting her this to see if that helps.”

Her brows furrow together with concern. “A headache? She hasn’t gotten one of those since…”

“I know.”

“Eclipso can’t be back, right? I mean he’s still a piece of toast?”

“He’s definitely not back,” Rick reassured. “Last I heard Jakeem trashed the toast before his mom called poison control from all the mold.” He looked around the gym “So, hey, where’s Reece?”

“Reece?” Beth twirled around with a little frown. “I don’t know. He said his mom called but I thought he’d be back by now.” Whatever worry she felt was soon smoothed over and she shrugged. “I’m sure he’s fine. I’m more worried about Yolanda.”

“I’ve got it handled,” Rick said as they walked away from the food table. “You should wait for your boyfriend, neither of us had any dates anyway, so don’t let us ruin your night.”

“Alright…”

Rick nodded his head at the neon exit sign by the front door. “I gotta get to Yolanda.”

“Wait.” Beth tugged at his wrist just as he turned away. Rick raised an eyebrow at her. She stood on her pumps and fixed his askew collar from his white dress shirt, and smoothed down his tie. Rick watched her, holding his breath, then forced himself to look away, flustered. It felt too close for him to handle. “There you go.” She dropped her hands and waved. “Bye!”

Rick returned to Yolanda and outstretched the medicine. She takes it with a thank you and swallowed it down. “So, yeah. I’m pissed she’s with Reece at prom. I’m pissed she’s Reece’s girlfriend.” Rick kicked a discarded corsage cube from the floor. “I’m pissed Reece exists.”

“You should’ve told her.”

“I”m not gonna tell her!” Rick shouted. Yolanda winced. Rick winced. He dropped to his knees and apologized. “I’m not gonna tell her,” he lowered his voice. “She’s happy with him. I can see that. That matters way more. I’m not an asshole.”

“Okay,” said Yolanda. “I need a dark room.”

Rick grabbed her hand, pulling her to her feet. “Let’s find you one, yeah.”

Rick continued to grumble about everything as he jiggled at locked doorknobs. They turned a corner where Rick tried the art room. Finally, an unlocked one. Rick sighed as the door creaked open.

“Thank God,” Yolanda muttered.

They walked in, still whispering quietly, then froze when a couple kissing against an easel spun around, knocking a container of dirty paintbrushes to the floor.

Yolanda rubbed at her eyes and blinked, stunned. “Gloria?”

The light from the hallway illuminated the dark silhouette of the boy.

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing, Reece?” Rick’s blood boiled at the sight before him, he couldn’t believe it. It was one thing to see Reece with another girl, but that girl’s red lipstick was all over his fucking face and he had the audacity off tucking his shirt back into his pants, still breathing heavily as though making out was just the start of what they had planned.

“That’s Beth Chapel’s boyfriend,” Yolanda hissed at Gloria.

The look on her face made it clear that meant nothing to her, or worse, she had never even heard of the name Beth Chapel in her life. “Who?”

“Beth Chapel,” Yolanda said again, her voice dropping dangerously low. “Rick Harris’s best friend.”

That did register. Gloria did a double take when she recognized Rick’s thunderous anger. His delinquent reputation preceded him no matter how hard he tried to scrub it clean.

Rick pointed to the door. “Get. Out.”

Gloria didn’t need to be told twice. She fumbled for her shoes and scrambled, bumping into somebody else at the door.

“Oops! Oh, hey, Gloria. Have you seen Yolanda? I’ve been looking for—“

Rick’s heart dropped to the floor.

Reece tried to bolt but Rick pinned him against the easel. If he was going to cheat he was going to face ugly the consequences.

Beth’s sentence died on her lips, taking in the shadowy scene. She switched on the lights. “Reece…?”

“Beth, it’s not what it looks like—“

“The hell it does!” Yolanda and Rick snapped in unison.

Beth hugged her arms across her dress, blinking rapidly behind her glasses, processing what she just witnessed. Rick felt her heartbreak from across the room when her voice cracked, “I…I trusted you!”

She turned on her heel and ran down the hall.

“Beth!” Yolanda ignored her headache to chase after her. “Beth! Wait!”

Now that the girls were gone, Rick’s head swivelled to Reece, still pinned and squirming against the easel.

“Get your hands off me, Harris. No need to be so primal.”

“Like the way you were dry humping some girl that’s not even your girlfriend?” Rick spat.

“Let me go!”

“Fine.” Rick made a big show of putting both his hands in the air. Reece raises himself up, fixing his expensive cufflinks snootily as some pathetic attempt of power play. Rick rolled his eyes so hard. It’s the same damn move that Beth never stopped talking about being attracted to during their debate competitions. Every time Rick saw it, meanwhile, he wanted to gag.

“Now,” Reece started, glancing up at Rick to inevitably start talking shit. “I like Beth, okay? I do, but—“

Rick had enough. He pulled his fist back and punched him in the face. The satisfying crunch from his nose wasn’t all that very satisfying when Reece’s hands flew up to stop the gush of blood with fear in his eyes, but he’d do it again if he had to. Reece tried to leave, but he wasn’t done, slamming him against the wall.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” Rick cried. “You’ve got this sweetest, most caring, most beautiful girl to go out with that doesn’t even fucking deserve you! She’s never been anything but attentive and open with you. She just danced with you! If you don’t like her anymore, you could’ve just told her!”

“I do like—“ “If you liked her, you wouldn’t do this to her. If you liked her you wouldn’t have lied about your mom calling an hour ago, if you liked her, you’d respect her and be with her and not cheat on her. What’s there to not fucking understand—?”

“—Rick. Stop.”

Rick turned to the door and dropped his hand when he saw a tear-streaked Beth. Reece wormed his way out, cursing Rick nasally. Beth tore off a wad of paper towels from the counter, coldly sticking it out to Reece as he stormed past her without ever looking him in the eye.

She was probably pissed with him. “I’m sorry.” Rick hunched his shoulders and walked over slowly, trying to explain, “I wasn’t planning to punch him—“ Both words and air got knocked out of his lungs when Beth crashed into him, wrapping her arms around his middle as she pressed her face into his chest and sobbed.

“Oh, Beth.” Rick held her as she cried, “You are so special,” he whispered fiercely into her hair, kissing the top of her head. “I don’t care what Reece’s SAT scores were, he’s such a dumbass.”

Beth laughed into his shirt. “I’m not mad at you,” she sniffed. “I wanted to punch him too.”

Uh, hell yeah. “I would’ve paid money to see that.”

She squeezed him tightly and lifted up her chin to peer up at Rick’s face. “Thank you, for what you said. All those nice things about me.”

“You heard that?”

She nodded. “I did.”

“…Well, it’s all true,” he admitted awkwardly. He wanted to hide his burning face from her but that would mean pulling away from her hug, and there was no way he’d be doing that either.

“Maybe I should’ve been dating you,” Beth joked lightly. Rick stiffened. Beth felt him go rigid and looked back up again with surprise. “Wait…Really?” Beth broke out into a real smile. Rick’s knees almost went weak at the sight of it.

“Um,” Rick started as even more heat crawled up his neck.

“Why didn’t you say anything?” She whacked at his side. “You should’ve told me! I would’ve dumped him way before prom for you!”

He reached forward, wiping her face dry. “I just wanted you to be happy.”

“I’ve had more happy days with Rick than I’ve ever had days knowing Reece ever existed,” she said honestly and held out her hand. “So I want to stop feeling upset and dance with you.”

Rick took it. “I am very much not a dancing kind of person,” he warned reluctantly, but still followed her out back into the hall.

“Oh, I know.” Beth grinned. “I don’t care.”

“Oh shit.” Rick turned back and realized they were missing somebody. “We forgot Yolanda.”

“No you didn’t.” Courtney slung an arm around Rick’s waist gleefully. “Yolanda got banned from the prom, so she’s outside with Cam, we’re going to my house.”

Beth’s jaw dropped. “Excuse me?”

“What?” Rick glanced backwards at where he last saw her. “Is she okay?”

“What? Oh, yeah, she’s fine,” Courtney waved off dismissively. “Apparently the ghost of Brainwave ejected out of her and scared the crap out of Gloria. The headache is gone, she feels so much better now. Jakeem was able to trap the ghost of brainwave in another dimension. Good riddance, am I right?”

“What the actual fuck?”

“We should go see her,” Beth said, dropping Rick’s hand.

“No.” Courtney shook her head stubbornly, forcing Beth’s hand back into Rick’s. “No. We’re fine. You two slow dance. Gaze into each other’s eyes. Fall madly in love.”

Rick choked.

“Do it,” Courtney commanded, waving two fingers at them seriously. “I’m serious. It’s about time.”