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seeds-and-sins · 9 months

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Light My Fire - Part Five

Pairing: Ben "Soldier Boy" x F!Reader

Rating: M (Crude Language, Curse Words, Sexism)

Description: Soldier Boy is alive.

Tagged: @tonixe, @chernayawidow, @mrsjenniferwinchester, @deans-spinster-witchs-favorites @ophennie, @virgoelf-blog, @my-obsession-spn

Part Four

You returned when the sun had fallen, gliding down onto the balcony of your penthouse with grace. The lights were on and through the stretch of window you could see Homelander pacing inside, Ashley waiting on the black leather couch with the most panicked expression on her face, and Agnes sitting alongside her. Ashley jumped to her feet when you entered the penthouse through the sliding glass window and her face turned bright red at the sight of you.

You were calm, devoid of any emotion, and covered in dirt. The earthy substance was smeared on your cheeks, stuck in your hair, tucked under your fingernails, blending in with the black of your hero suit.

"Where the fuck were you?!" Homelander hissed as he closed in on you, you blankly stared at him, your eyes then looking him up and down. His eyebrows furrowed and his neck craned back as he stood straighter. You didn't reply, stepping into his body and wrapping your arms around him. Homelander's enraged expression devolved into confusion and surprise. You began to sniffle, droplets of tears fell over the swoops of your cheeks and sizzled into a steam. You hugged him so tightly that he wasn't able to pry you off. Moments of silence followed until John placed a palm on your back, body drooping with a sigh.

"I haven't seen you for months, you little shit." You tucked your head back and looked up at him, Homelander was making an effort to look anywhere else. "John?" You called in a whisper, but he didn't crack, a wet gloss rising in his blue steely gaze.

"Where did you go?" He spat through clenched teeth. You withdrew completely, exhaling a huff of air that flowed from your lips as smoke.

"I went to Soldier Boy's gravesite." You answered as you rounded the table toward the small stand of liquors beside the flat screen tv.

"Oh fuck." Ashley was trembling as she cupped a hand over her forehead and dropped to the couch.

"Why?! What did you do?!" Agnes breathed, Homelander remained silent. You didn't answer immediately, your cape swaying from side to side as you poured yourself a glass of bourbon.

"I dug out his coffin and broke inside."

"Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!" Ashley exclaimed, she jumped up from the couch and began pacing. "How are we going to explain this?! Fuck!"

"Just say some graverobbers did it." You offered coolly as you propped a hand on your hip, the other bringing the glass to your lips. You faced Homelander, meeting his stare over the brim of your glass. He cleared his throat, clasping his hands behind his back, collecting himself.

"And what did you find?"

"Nothing." You winced at the satisfying burn of the liquid. You were far too calm for someone who just had a surge of overwhelming realizations, but the flight to and from D.C. was long enough that you had been able to think everything through and you had lulled yourself into a lack of care. "Soldier Boy is alive."

"Soldier Boy's corpse was highly radioactive when he died..." Homelander explained, his boots clicking against the marble floor as he stepped forward. "They weren't going to risk keeping him at a fuckin' memorial."

"Possibly." You gritted your teeth, "Except I know that he's alive. I've always known. Found out a long time ago and Mindstorm fucked with my head."

"Hmm." Homelander's only reply.

"Oh, this is bad. This is so fuckin' bad!" Ashley wheezed, she was holding a palm over her chest. "Okay, so when this get's out, what do we do?! People are gonna' find out he's alive. People-"

"Shut the fuck up, Ashley!" Homelander roared and Ashley was stunned into a quiet, cowering away. And that interaction was too suspicious for you to miss because you directed your gaze back to Homelander, furrowed brow, the corner of your cheek twitched.

"You know something..." You breathed, placing your glass down on the coffee table as you approached with even steps. Homelander couldn't look at you, eyes flicking this way and that, jaw clenched. "What aren't you telling me?" Homelander sniffed, then paced away from you and you couldn't help but follow after him. "I'm not going away." You stated firmly, "This shit isn't going away, John."

"You want to go find Soldier Boy. Go on. Go find him." John's gloves squeaked with the clench of his fists. "He's alive and he's coming."

"What are you talking about?"

"Soldier Boy! We saw him." Ashley was downright haywire, having a mental breakdown right in front of you. She held her clipboard with a vice grip.

"You saw him?" You squinted at her, everything was happening so fast. Soldier Boy was where?! Here?!

"He was at the Chimp Sanctuary. We saw him-Well-He um-"

"He's killing his whole team. Soon he'll be after you, Noir too." Homelander stated the facts with a dismissive tone. Your heart leapt into your throat and you vigorously shook your head.

"But I never-"

"He doesn't know that, and frankly, he could care less." You gulped, crossing your arms. Soldier Boy wouldn't hurt you. Ben was confused. Ben didn't know what they did to you. You couldn't imagine what they did to him. How did he get here? Where has he been all these years? Everything you knew about the matter had been erased or suppressed by Mindstorm. You could at least feel that you knew. You knew that at some point you had figured everything out and Vought didn't want that. What else weren't they telling you? What else did Homelander know? "Phoenix, I need you here. With me." Homelander had turned to you, placing his hands on your shoulders, hands sliding up till he was cupping your cheeks. "I need people near me that I can trust. I need to know that you are with me."

"I-If-" You cupped a hand over one of Homelander's. "Maybe if I talk to him-"

"No, you can't. I won't allow it." His gloved thumbs began wiping away your tears, even if your powers had a habit of making the salty droplets evaporate anyways.

"Please, John. For so long-"

"What do you think will happen when people find out he's alive?!" Homelander spat. "No one's going to care about me anymore. No one's going to care about you. He'll kill us all."

"He wouldn't."

"You don't know that. You didn't see what he did." Homelander lifted his chin, hands returning to their place at his back. "That explosion in Manhatten? It wasn't a stupid fuckin' super villain attack, it was him. And he's going to do it again." You chewed the inside of your cheek, the heat inside you was gone. You were tired. So tired. So sick of this shit. You wished you were young again, and free. You wished had never signed up for the hero program in the first place. Before all this, life was simple. Before all this, you were human. Now you were bound to immortality, now you were bound to chaos and destruction. Your whole life laid out for you. You were as much a monster as Homelander, as much a narcissist as Soldier Boy, as much a whore as Countess.

"John, you don't understand..." Your fingertips pressed to your lips and you were shaking, about to break down in sobs. You hadn't cried as much as you had today in years. Heck, you don't even remember the last time you cried. It's not like your powers allowed any of it to show. Steam would shoot from the edges of your eyes, tears would boil away into nothingness. "I loved him. So much." He understood me.

It's why I decided to take you with me, John.

You were a terrible mother. There was no doubt about that. You hadn't been fit for parenthood when you found John. When you took him from that facility, you went right back to your old ways. There was no amount of pills that could save you from the depression and the negligence and the murderous rage that built within you on the daily.

You had thought John would fix that, but instead, you just let the kid do whatever the fuck he wanted. John grew up with your tender love and care, but he also grew up watching you be a shitty person. John took that in stride. Vogelbaum had ran experiments on John, Vogelbaum had been anything but loving to him for the first half of the boy's life. So, when John was taken under your wing, all you did was take what he knew and made it worse. John was always one bad day away from destroying the world. Just like you.

But John reminded you of Ben.

When John looked at you, you saw Ben's eyes.

When John smiled at you, you saw Ben's smile.

When John hugged you back, you could feel Ben's strength.

Before Ben, there was no one like you. There was no one that understood the immense power that the Compound V had imbued you with. Not even Lady Liberty compared in the old days. It was only ever Ben that knew what any of it felt like. And when you met John, you wanted to be that person for him. You saw in him a loneliness that rivalled your own. You wanted to protect him and love him, and you hoped in return that he would do the same to you.

Someone like you. Someone like Ben.

And now John was asking you to choose between the only man you ever genuinely loved and the boy now man that you considered to be the son you never had.

"If we don't stop him, who knows what he's going to do?" Homelander continued, then he shrugged. "He already killed the Crimson Countess. He blew up an entire city block, killing dozens of innocent civilians. Who will be next?" Your eyes slid shut and your shoulders rose and fell with a deep breath. After a long pause of you searching your mind for a way out of this, you couldn't find an answer.

So, nodding your head, you reply with your entire soul:

"I choose you, John." You croaked out, opening your eyes to find his own. He was gazing at you, a certain softness there, only reserved for you. It seemed like forever ago that Stillwell tried to put a wedge between you both, but the connection you had with John was the same one you had with Ben all those years ago. You understood each other and nothing could disturb that understanding. Your lips quirked up in a sad smile. "I'll always choose you."

...

"Jesus Christ, can you believe that bitch on the news last night?" Dan said, itching his chin and leaning back into his leather chair with crossed arms.

"You're talking about that news anchor with the big tits, right?" Countess replied in between drags of her cigarette, a bored expression on her face. "If you ask me, those things definitely aren't real."

"You think so?" You pondered, twiddling your thumbs, hunched over your edge of the black marble table, lost in contemplation and drawn from your thoughts by the ramblings of your fellow team members. "How would she have been able to afford that? What kind of salary does a news anchor even make?"

"Her salary has gotta' be in the hundreds." Came Tessa's unflinching response.

"A year?!" You smacked your hand on the table and vigorously shook your head. "No way!"

"Especially not as a female." Crimson added.

"A news anchor with big tits. I'd believe it. She's rolling in the dough." Swatto finally spoke, after having been surprisingly silent since he entered Payback's conference room.

"That means she's making more than us." You weren't convinced, nose wrinkling at the thought. "Nah, I don't think so."

"Enough about her tits!" Dan interrupted in irritation. "Did you see what she said about me?" Tessa chuckled, elbowing her brother as she pointed across the lengthy table at Dan.

"I knew it! You dicked her down!" Tessa accused, obnoxious chuckles filling the room.

"I would have you know, It was purely consensual!"

"It was purely consensual." Countess mimicked with a coy smirk, "Consensual or not, she clearly didn't like it."

"You know what they say about guys with big brains..." You began, Tessa finished it for you with...

"SMALL DICKS!" And you both jumped up and high five across the table, Dan's protests unable to mask your laughter.

"I don't have a small dick."

"That's exactly what a guy with a small dick would say." Countess chimed, the three ladies laughed before another familiar face entered the room.

"Earving!" You greeted merrily, the man rounded toward your end of the table and as he passed, you glided your fingers against his side. "How did your pitch go?"

"Uh, it went alright, I guess." He plopped into the seat next to, everything at the table quietly waited for him to elaborate. "Well," Earving smiled, "He said maybe."

"Maybe doesn't mean never!" You exclaimed, smiling in his direction, "I would love to see a comedy show with you. You always make me laugh."

"Actually..." Earving cleared his throat, nervously playing with his mask in hand. "I was thinking that maybe I could do a movie. Like Beverly Hills Cop o'somethin'. I want to be an actor." You were the only person that applauded the idea with a genuine smile on your face. You liked Earving. He really did always have a way of making you laugh. And sometimes, you needed it.

"That would be awesome! Count me in as the first person to be at your premiere."

"Premiere where?" The room shuffled, everything went drop dead silent. Soldier Boy hovered in the double doorway, staring down the table with an all too friendly grin. Gunpowder paraded in behind him, quickly shuffling to his seat at the end, but not at the head. That seat was reserved for Soldier Boy.

"Um..." You sent Noir an uneasy glance. You knew how long he had been planning this and the team had already agreed to keep it secret from Soldier Boy. Soldier Boy didn't like it when others were given opportunities, be it movies or advertisements. Ben liked being in the know about everything that his team was involved with. Unfairly so, Noir had never been given his own blockbuster because of Soldier Boy's constant disapproval of the idea. You all knew it was wrong, but only you were ever bold enough to speak up about.

"Hopefully, you're talking about my new movie coming out, The Rains of Fire." Soldier Boy entered the room, as he stalked around the table, everyone straightened themselves, the atmosphere went tense. "It's a war pic. I think you'd like it Phoenix." You could see Crimson's scowl from the corner of your eye.

"No, thanks. I only go to your movies when my profession forces me to." The insult lingered in the air, pulled the air taut like a rubber band about to snap. Dan shook his head, mouthing 'Stop' to you.

"Oh yeah?" Soldier Boy growled lowly, "And why is that, hot stuff?"

Without missing a beat.

"You're a terrible actor." You said it so bluntly, you could hear Soldier Boy's teeth gritting from across the table. He forced a smile at you, licking his lips.

"Can we go one day without you two arguing? I'm sick of it." Countess put her cigarette out in the tray at the center of the table. You adjusted your posture and nodded respectfully.

"Easy. If he keeps his mouth shut, we won't have to argue."

"Why you little-" Whatever horrid insult Ben was going to hurl at you was interrupted when the Legend entered the room in fast stride, several others following closely behind.

"Alright, Kids! We got a big agenda today, so listen up!"

Ben and you shared one last glare before tuning into the meeting.

It wasn't anything you hadn't heard before; shareholders, advertisements, upcoming board meetings, events, interviews. You were used to this kind of talk. It also helped that you spoke to the Legend regularly and so, you had already been notified about all of this before. You could just zone out if you wanted, but sometimes it was nice to poke the bear. You don't know why you bothered. Maybe part of you even liked it, but seeing Soldier Boy's face when you asked a certain question or made a certain comment. It pleased you greatly.

Soldier Boy was to do a team up with Swatto?

Are you so certain that Soldier Boy can even handle himself out there?

Soldier Boy was to do an interview on the Tonight Show?

God, who knows what he's going to say when he is up there. He'll just embarass all of us.

But you recalled something that would make Soldier Boy's skin crawl and you just had to do it. As the Legend was finishing up the meeting, you rose your hand.

"Yes, my lovely fireball, what's up?"

"For the hero gala next week, I was wondering if..."

"Yes?"

"Earving and I could go as a pairing." Before the Legend could even respond, Soldier Boy did it for him.

"Absolutely not!" Soldier Boy laid down the law immediately, standing to his full height and scowling at you. "That crosses the line, Phoenix!"

"I'm sorry, but why exactly does it cross the line? Was there even a line to begin with?" You felt only a little bad for Earving. He hadn't expected this, so you couldn't blame him for shrinking in his seat. "Neither of us have dates. I think it would be a great idea."

"Hmm, why not." The Legend shrugged, but he frowned at the sight of a fuming Soldier Boy. "If this is gonna' be a problem for you two, then maybe neither of you will be going." He asserted, except Soldier Boy didn't think of such an assertion as punishment.

"That's fine by me."

"Ben." Countess hissed in warning, "You can't be serious."

"Phoenix can't go around dating other members of the team. It will disturb the natural flow of things." Everyone knew that was a shit argument, even the Legend raised a brow in question.

"Screw that. Crimson Countess and you are engaged." You shot back, Soldier Boy's face wrinkled and he shook his head.

"Because a team needs a little bit of romance. It doesn't mean anything." Oh, that stung. You could see Crimson physically deflate into her seat at the other side of the table and you couldn't help but feel sorry for her. "I'm the leader of this team and I'm saying 'no'." Enough was enough.

"Okay, leader of the team, but you're by no means my boss." Your head tilted to look at Earving, you grabbed his hand under the table and sent him a hopeful smile. This was important. Phoenix couldn't be the only one fighting back anymore. Soldier Boy needed to realize he was not a king, or a god. Ben was just like everyone else. "Come on, Noir. What do you say?" Earving paused for a moment, then he vigorously nodded his head.

"Actually yeah, I would love to go to the gala with you." Soldier Boy must had been seeing red, the rage that flowed through him was evident in the sharp stare he directed at Noir.

"I don't care who goes with who at this point. I got more important shit to take care of." The Legend dismissed, "Don't cause trouble please." He waved at the team on his way out of the conference room.

Soldier Boy was seated in his chair again, arms crossed, lips pursed. You could only describe it as a pout. The grown man was throwing a tantrum over you. Not the first time to be honest and you knew it wouldn't be the last and you were done with it. You weren't his toy. You weren't *his*. He needed to learn how to deal with you having a good time with someone that wasn't him, someone that never would be him.

It was quiet aside from the usual shuffles and squeaks of leather chairs as members of the team stood and left. Everyone knew what was about to happen. Crimson shot up from her chair, storming out of the room, and you couldn't blame her for not saying goodbye. Noir and you walked out side by side. You acknowledged that everyone was going to be leaving Soldier Boy in that room to pout.

"You didn't have to do that." Noir said, "I know you're just trying to make a point."

"Not really, only kind of..." You smiled, looping your fingers with his again. "I know you got all the girls throwing themselves at you, but I really do like you." The tension in Earving's shoulders dropped and you couldn't see his face beneath that mask but you heard the smile in voice when he responded.

"Really? I mean, I just always thought you were being nice."

"There are very few people that I like. Trust me, you'll know when I'm just being nice." You had to play nice all the time: In front of news reporters, on movie sets, in interviews, it seemingly never ended. But arguably, there were a few people you felt you could be your true self around. The Legend, for one, someone you would kill for, Countess, who-oddly enough-didn't seem to be stopping by your penthouse that much lately, Noir, who always made you giggle and blush, and Ben-

No. Not Ben.

You hated Ben, remember?!

Biggest asshole in the world, Ben?! That Ben!

But perhaps it was true. You didn't have to play nice with Ben. You never had. It almost felt natural, removing that metaphorical mask of herodom as you interacted with him on the day to day. Sometimes you even welcomed his presence because it meant you could just unload all of your stresses. You didn't have to play nice with Ben.

The thought made your eyebrows furrow and Noir had to clear his throat to drag you back out of the recesses of your brain and into the moment.

"You okay?"

"Yeah. I'm fine. So excited for next week though. Seriously, I want this." You gave his hand a reassuring squeeze and Earving chuckled.

"I'm looking forward to it too." He lifted your hand, cupping his other over your knuckles and caressing your wrist with his thumb. "Look, I have to go do patrol with Mindstorm, but maybe we could hang out when I get back?"

"I would really like that." You gently pulled him toward you and rose up on the toes of your boots to kiss the cheek of his mask. He chuckled adorably when you did, pressing your knuckles to the mouth of his mask.

"I'll see you later then." He released you to start a walk down the hall, glancing at you one last time before disappearing around the bend of the hallway.

You stared after his exit in silence, inhaling a deep breath. Noir was a sweet guy. And for once, you just wanted to go on a date with someone and have a good time. God, you couldn't remember the last time you had even gotten laid. Soldier Boy always interrupted. Always. You knew it was purposeful. If he couldn't have you, then no one would, as he so reminded you several times.

"You fuckin' whore." It was Soldier Boy. You knew it. He was the only person who ever dared talk to you like that to your face. You didn't give him the satisfaction of attention and you began walking away. His boots stomped against the marble floor, echoed through the empty hallway. "Where the fuck do you think you're going?!" You didn't answer once more, continuing in stride, and Soldier Boy was hot at your heels.

You were suddenly being snatched by the back of your neck. Your face being slammed into a wall, it left a crater like hole. You fought back.

"Fuck you." You got out of the hold easily, but instead of wasting your energy and physically fighting him like you always did, you paused. Soldier Boy stared at you, having braced for a fist to the gut or a slap across the face or a flying fireball of rage. His handsome face was contorted in disgust, lips turned down, eyes narrowed. "I'm sick of this, Ben. I'm sick of you constantly hovering over me. Do you not have better things to do?!"

"I'm the leader of this team."

"Bullshit excuse for treating me like I'm your fuckin' puppet." You crossed your arms so as to control the urge in yourself to hit him, hands balled up into fists.

"It's the same song and dance with you, hot stuff. If you just gave me a chance, I wouldn't bother you all the time."

"I'm not yours. I'm. Not. Yours." You emphasized each word with a snarl. "You have a fiancé! You have thousands and thousands of girls swooning after you! You have everything you want. You don't need me!" The corner of his lip twitched, his hands rose to his hand, and he turned his head away. "I want to live, Ben. I want to go out and date and have fun with someone. I am not your girl."

"But you can be. Just give me a chance." He said in a low gravelly tone, his eyes sparkling when they looked up to you. You hated the way your heart swelled, you shook your head.

"Ben, you don't want me." You chewed the inside of your cheek. "If you're with me, then you're only with me. And you can't do that." His demeanor shifted and he chuckled, itching his nose.

"Is that what you're saying? This whole time you've been acting like this over monogamy?" *Unbelievable!* You wanted to scream. He held his arms wide open. "Just say the word. I'll leave Countess. Never bed another woman again. Tell me."

"No." You answered firmly, "You're gonna' do it." You lurched toward him and jabbed a finger in his chest. "I'm not going to let you use me as an excuse to ease your guilt over you..." You jabbed his chest again. "...whoring around."

"I don't feel guilty for a thing." He muttered in retort.

"Sure." You waited, waited for him to look at you again-*look at me, you piece of shit*- and when he did you saw that he had forfeited. "That's what I thought. You're not gonna' do it." It had only confirmed your suspicions all along. You didn't mean anything to him. You were just another fuck. He just wanted to get the opportunity to control you, to say that he fucked the second strongest member of Payback. "Leave me alone. Please."

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#reader #the boys #crimson countess #vought international #homelander #oc hero name #payback #the TNT twins #soldier boy #black noir #the seven #soldier boy x reader

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