#for all my struggles i've never felt quite as hopeless as this right now. my mind is clear but i feel empty. the loneliest i have ever felt

[umbreonkin197]

Journal of a Questioning Otherkin (Entry 2) (Repost)

This morning I woke up and immediately was hit with a massive amount of dysphoria. It was as if every fiber of my being was screaming with the pain of being confined inside of the wrong body. I just felt awful in a way that is almost impossible to put into words. My skin was crawling because something inside me just knew that this skin was wrong. I felt wrong. It really hurts, mourning a body that I know I'll never have.

The dysphoria hasn't been quite this bad before. All these years I've suppressed the feeling deep down inside of me, pretending it was fine, but now that I finally see it for what it is, I can't pretend anymore. I can't just ignore it and hope it fixes itself.

I started to dissociate due to how bad I was feeling and I wasn't able to think, or really do much of anything for the entire day. The brain fog was just that severe. I realized that this brain fog and dissociative spells might have been affecting me for years and I hadn't even realized that's what it is.

I really need to figure out how to cope with that feeling of dysphoria better, because I really can't afford to spend every day in a dissociative haze, riddled with anxiety, and unable to get basic tasks done.

I am struggling and I don't know what to do. I'm so new to all this. How do you connect to your kintype? What does it mean to be a pokemon? What does it mean to be an Umbreon? How do I figure that out, and how can I help alleviate that all encompassing dysphoria? Right now it feels hopeless, but I know logically that isn't true.

On a different, less depressing note-

In an attempt to explore more about myself and to distance myself from the concept of being human, I decided to try out it/its pronouns. I had an interesting experience with that, but my findings were largely that it didn't feel euphoric, but also, it surprisingly didn't feel bad either. Perhaps there is something there, but as of yet, I don't quite know. Trying out Bre/Bre's/Breself was actually kind of nice too.

I've never gone by any pronouns other than he/him before, so this is new to me. If this ends up developing further, I could potentially see using He/it/bre. The dehumanizing aspect of it/its is nice, but I still strongly feel connected to my identity as male and don't want to discard those pronouns.

I've already done my soul searching in regards to gender, and I'm confident and comfortable identifying as male, despite being very gender non-conforming. However, that's neither here nor there at the moment.

And ending on a little funny note, a friend that I haven't talked to at all about any of this identity fuckery sent me this today. My friends send me Umbreon related posts because they know I like Umbreon, but I found it hilarious and ironic that they sent this to me and had no idea how relevant this really was to me right now.

Anyways, long story short, today sucked. Dysphoria hit so hard that it caused a full day of dissociation. I still feel very good about being an Umbreon Fictionkin, but I'm doing my best to be open and considering possible alternatives. I try not to fall victim to confirmation bias.

Any tips from otherkin (especially fellow pokemonkin) on how to handle dysphoria and connect to your kintype would be greatly appreciated! Until next time.

[khaire-traveler]

Speaking of my experiences in Greece 🇬🇷

~ You can skip this post if you want lol; I just wanted to talk about my love for Greece and the trip I just took ~

I can honestly say that my trip to Greece has changed me as a person. I went at a time in my life where everything felt hopeless and I was processing some very major, very recent, traumas. To say the least, I was very stressed out leading up to this trip, and I remember praying to Hermes and Apollo for a life-changing experience in Greece, begging them for something to genuinely look forward to. And I got exactly what I asked for.

I have realized how seriously I've been taking both myself and the world around me and how much I desperately needed to take a step back and just enjoy life as it comes.

On my trip, I unfortunately got sick, and it made a lot of things very difficult. We had somewhat of a schedule to follow in the beginning, so it felt like I was struggling to keep up with everyone with my cold slowing me down. All I could think about was how much it sucked to be me, how much it sucked that I could barely keep up with everyone, how much I was a burden on others for something I literally could not control. And after needing to miss a night of festivities in order to finally rest, I realized just how harmful that thinking was. I finally noticed that hey, I have some actual agency over the thoughts I think and the things I feel. I thought I was at the mercy of mental illness and trauma, but as I took that day to rest, I realized that I really just needed to take care of myself and enjoy the things that I could participate in.

I also realized my POTS - a heart-related condition I have - does not have the right to control my entire life. I had to push myself quite hard in Greece, mostly in the last five days of our trip which was in Athens. It was blisteringly hot, and I had literal drops of sweat rolling down my face from the heat alone. Heat is a trigger of my POTS, so I was very concerned that something bad would happen but was extremely surprised when it didn't. Granted, my heart rate was constantly elevated - between 120-130 bpm - but overall, I was able to push myself to walk much farther than I ever thought I could. Although I'd never want to push myself that hard at a job (that would get exhausting to do each and every day 💀), I did at least find out that my limits are a lot further along than I previously assumed.

This experience has taught me so many things. Independence from my parents is essential and should be my first focus, any goal can be achieved through hard work and tenacity, I need to sit down and think about what I want to achieve in life and what gives me passion, self-confidence is crucial, who gives a single fuck what other people say or think if I'm happy, pessimism is not the same as realism, sometimes I make myself unhappy by solely focusing on the negatives, look at the world through the lens of child where even little things are amazingly captivating, it's ok to be generous with others as long as I'm also taking care of my own needs, I'm capable of doing a lot more physical activity before having health issues than I thought, and I will straight up never complain about being too hot ever again.

The Greek people are so impressively hard-working! They put a lot of passion and care into the things they love, and it was genuinely really inspiring. I'm so grateful I was able to participate in cultural traditions while I was there. Everyone was incredibly inviting, and it was refreshing to see such strong cultural values and traditions. Even when I was feeling shy or lacked confidence, I was encouraged to participate and just have a good time (being a bit tipsy made it all the merrier lol). I absolutely love Greece! I truly hope I can visit again soon.

I can't thank my gods enough for answering my prayers and providing me with something that will influence my life, and even my worship, from now on. I can't thank the people I met enough for teaching me lessons I never knew I needed to learn and treating me like a close friend or family. I'm so grateful for all the things I learned in Greece. I can now only hope that I will continue to change for the better.

[desifleabag]

I am shedding skin

Hey there, if you're reading this, I hope you're doing well. Remember to take care of yourself – eat right, get enough sleep, and maybe even give yourself a little pep talk in the mirror (even if it's a bit tongue-in-cheek). I'm all about that lighthearted, progressive humour! But jokes aside, I genuinely wish you the best.

Today's blog is a bit different. Let's imagine we randomly met up in a bustling city. Picture us sitting down with our chai or coffee, just having a real talk about our lives. So, get comfy in your chair – figuratively speaking, of course.

I used to be that child who disliked her childhood while idealising the idea of growing up into an adult who could earn money, own a house, and achieve all her dreams. It was as if I envisioned a gleaming castle but had no idea how to attain it. At times, I find myself wishing I could sit down with my 10-year-old self and tell her, "It's alright to dislike being a kid because you feel confined and powerless under the expectations of others in your life. Childhood dreams and aspirations are like ice cream – they seem like they'll last forever, but they eventually melt away. You believe that children's boundless and creative energy often goes unrecognised and is simply labelled as “young blood”,' isn't that right? I hear you and I understand. However, living an adult life comes with both the depths of loneliness and the dazzling heights of success. I comprehend that." Throughout my life, I've carried this perspective, and now, as an adult, the image of that castle fills me with anxiety. I'm afraid of the possibility of being crushed under the weight of the glass and the gleaming castle. The never ending “ what ifs' ' never left my hand and I think I also didn't leave because it gave me a sense of self control.

Lately, things haven't been going so smoothly for me. I mean, my mental and physical health are both kind of shaky. I've been going to therapy for about two years now, and it's been a wild ride. Some days, I feel like I'm making progress and getting better, but on other days, I'm my own worst critic. Still, I'm trying my darndest to do more than just get by – I want to really live life.

The thing is, therapy isn't cutting it like it used to. So, my therapist thinks it's a good idea for me to see a psychiatrist for some extra help.For a brief moment, I felt a bit lost, wondering how I was supposed to handle this situation on my own since I didn't have any friends who could accompany me to my psychiatrist appointment. Despite my worries, I decided to go by myself. I went to the appointment, sat down, and talked about my struggles. The outcome of our conversation was the revelation that I was dealing with clinical depression and anxiety. It hit me hard and left me feeling devastated, a sense of helplessness and hopelessness washing over me. However, I made up my mind to take responsibility for my health. I realised that I needed to step up and take care of myself. The psychiatrist prescribed some antidepressants to help improve my mood. Following the appointment, a wave of unease swept over me. I began to fear that my parents wouldn't fully understand what I was going through. I also recognized that my friends couldn't accompany me to these appointments. It was quite a transformation for someone who used to be afraid of the dark and travelling alone – now, I was facing these challenges head-on and prioritising my well-being.

I won't sugarcoat it – these days, being a 20-year-old adult can feel incredibly isolating, even when you're surrounded by people. There's a daunting aspect to being alone, and taking on the responsibility and maturity is no easy feat. Lately, the loneliness I feel amid my pain and struggles has taken a toll on my health. I can sense my smile fading day by day. The desire to continue living feels like an overwhelming burden.This is what most of your adult life you are helpless, hopeless. Lonely, aimless, hanging there in ups and downs of your health with the bigger picture of your life in your hands like you are trying so hard to handle the weight of that picture that it impacts your health and your life too.

As an adult, people will often tell you to love yourself. My idea of self-love has changed a lot. It used to be about liking every part of my body, but now it's more about being my own source of strength when things are tough. I've learned that I need to be okay with all parts of my life, especially because life didn't come with instructions. I've had to face uncertainties to figure out who I am, and I've realised that being kind to myself and finding peace are really important. But even if you read and learn a lot about self-love, there will still be days when you cry because of things that hurt you, whether they're things from the past or things you're still dealing with. You'll want someone to give you a hug, and you'll imagine the best things happening with them. You might even doubt yourself sometimes. Because the truth is, sometimes loving yourself is ugly .Yes, it's a bitter truth I learned in my life. 

While I was flipping through pages of my journal. I wrote down a poem “ I took care of myself and it wasn't pretty” I read on the internet which was written by Schuyler Peck in her book called "The greatest act of self love isn't always pretty.

I took care of myself 

And looked at the overdue bills in the face 

Even though it hurt 

I took care of myself 

And cried ugly through the therapy sessions

Made another appointment for next week 

I put in the work and wrote all the bad memories in detail

I apologised to all the friends 

I didn't have the energy to talk to 

I finally cut off all my dead ends and bought produce 

Slimly avoided sustaining myself 

On barbecue chips and poetry 

I recycled 

I set an alarm for 8 hours of sleep 

And did not sleep more or less

I took care of myself and it wasn't bubble baths 

It wasn't lotion at bath and bodyworks 

And three cheese pizza

It was uncomfortable 

It wasn't beautiful 

But i am 

And it didn't have to be beautiful 

To be worth it 

During my journey of healing and therapy, a significant realisation dawned on me, leading to a profound conversation with a woman I met at a book café recently. This exchange triggered a cascade of thoughts within me. I recognized that my outlook on life had been rather pessimistic, and my energy seemed tainted, like a heap of dirt. I could sense darkness and negativity in my energy and vibrations.

As we conversed, she offered me an observation that struck me deeply: “You are too much in your head. You are living life but on the surface. And you my girl as I have seen you have the strength to turn this all around in a flip. But are you ready for that flip or have you become so used to this sadness and melancholy under smiles and laughter ? This statement hit me with the force of a truck. I spent several hours reflecting on her words and came to a realisation. I had absorbed an abundance of pain, hurt, hate, and fear, to the extent that they had become integral to my identity. It felt as though I had been extracting poison from others' lives to protect them, but this poison had gradually started corroding me from within. My decisions, perspectives, choices, preferences, opinions – they all carried traces of my pain. I had unwittingly moulded myself into a reflection of other people's words and the consequences of their actions. My current self was an amalgamation of trauma responses that had moulded my personality.

Describing this emotion is challenging, but I've lived much of my life in fear, and as a result, I haven't even come close to reaching my full potential. This realisation brings me a sense of sorrow. While this sadness served a purpose at some point, I hadn't felt ready to release it. However, this prolonged attachment to sadness has left me feeling utterly miserable. It has led me to harbour grudges, nourish the darkness within me, and be the victim always 

I inhaled deeply, allowing myself to fully immerse in my emotions and thoughts that night. Having experienced significant challenges in life, including both physical and emotional abuse during my formative years, I realised how this had influenced my perception and experience of life. I had unconsciously adopted the patterns of thinking, feeling, and living that mirrored those who had mistreated me. The way I talked to myself and interacted with others had been shaped by the same negative patterns.

The roots of this can be traced back to the people who were meant to provide care and nurture – our caregivers. As per psychological insights, these early years play a crucial role in determining the foundations of our adult selves. Recognizing this, I began to comprehend that I needed to let go of the aspects of myself that were not truly me. It was a process of shedding the skin of who I had become through my experiences, and instead focusing on learning, evolving, and embracing the person I ought to be.

When you make your identity from starting there are going to be times your shadows will pop up from somewhere and you will question them because you are surprised who this person is. In psychology, the term "shadow" refers to the parts of your personality that you keep hidden or aren't fully aware of because they might be uncomfortable or unacceptable. These hidden aspects, proposed by psychologist Carl Jung, can influence your behaviour even without your awareness. Bringing your shadow to light involves acknowledging these hidden parts, accepting them as natural, and integrating them into your self-awareness, leading to personal growth and a better understanding of yourself. Everyone has their unique shadows and like everyone I also have my own shadows. But there is a skill to make your shadows as your asset and to positively influence your life

I use creativity to explore my hidden aspects. Writing poems and prose allows me to express different sides of myself. However, I've recently realised that I've been using these creative outlets to reinforce my past trauma, pain, grief, and struggles. Rather than helping me move forward, this habit keeps me stuck in my comfort zone. I tend to absorb everything around me, both positive and negative, without being fully aware of it. I've been idealising pain and sadness to the point that they've started defining my worth, particularly through my writing and poetry  performances. Although I originally intended to write about these experiences as a way to release the pain, I've ended up romanticising them. That's why I've decided to take a break from writing and performing at poetry events. My health is currently my top priority, leading me to step back from my internship and organisational commitments. Ultimately, these decisions are aimed at prioritising my well-being and recovery. In this stage of my life, I've moved beyond many friendships and relationships, as growth is constant and our connections change along with it. While cherishing the good times, I've reached a point where bidding a fond farewell feels appropriate, knowing we may never cross paths again. Embracing farewells and new beginnings can be challenging, given the fear of abandonment, yet it's not our responsibility to foresee the destiny of our relationships

I'm putting in immense effort to remove the lenses through which I see the world as constantly on the verge of collapse with each step I take. I yearn to perceive the world as a space for growth and connection with like-minded individuals. I'm aiming to slow down my pace of life, letting go of unnecessary burdens in order to truly experience life and its richness. I wish to wake up each morning as a person who actively chooses to live life to the fullest, seeking happiness, and radiating effortless smiles. Anticipating sunsets with childlike wonder, savouring ice cream with pure joy, and breathing passionately like someone who has been given a second chance. Learning from pain, holding onto hope, cherishing the act of loving, finding delight in purchasing flowers, indulging in reading and writing, dancing in the rain, and wholeheartedly revelling in the art of living. Through my words, I want to provide closure to the past version of myself and make a promise of a brighter future, assuring my inner child that healing is on the horizon.I am shedding skin. It's beautifully painful but worth it.

[fritextramole]

standing alone at the top of the stairs

part 2 of a Jenny Humphrey playlist - best heard in order

tracklist and quotes under the cut

The Anthem ~ Good Charlotte

At my high school It felt more to me Like a jail cell A penitentiary My time spent there, it only made me see That I don't ever wanna be like you I don't wanna do the things you do

Fences ~ Paramore

Don't look up, just let them think There's no place else you'd rather be You're always on display For everyone to watch and learn from Don't you know by now? You can't turn back

Are You Satisfied? ~ MARINA

High achiever, don't you see? Baby, nothing comes for free They say I'm a control freak Driven by a greed to succeed Nobody can stop me

Sometimes ~ Nick Lutsko

I cut my tongue on the rust of a silver spoon I bet my billionth bottom dollar on a hopeless case And now the devil on my shoulder has a knife to my face

Teenagers ~ My Chemical Romance

The boys and girls in the clique, the awful names that they stick You're never gonna fit in much, kid But if you're troubled and hurt, what you got under your shirt Will make them pay for the things that they did

WTF Do I Know ~ Miley Cyrus

Think that I'm the problem? Honey, I'm the solution

Cherry Bomb ~ The Runaways

Can't stay at home, can't stay at school Old folks say, "You poor little fool" Down the streets I'm the girl next door I'm the fox you've been waiting for

Since You’re Gone ~ The Pretty Reckless

Since you been gone My life has moved along Quite nicely actually I've got a lot more friends And I don't have to pretend

killing boys ~ Halsey

And I'm not breakin', I won't take it And I won't ever feel this way again 'Cause you don't need me anymore, woah

Rebel Girl ~ Bikini Kill

I think I wanna take you home I wanna try on your clothes When she talks, I hear the revolution

Can’t Be Tamed ~ Miley Cyrus

I wanna fly I wanna drive I wanna go I wanna be a part of something I don't know And if you try to hold me back I might explode

Stop Me ~ Natalia Kills

Tonight we're gonna dance to the devil's drum And I need someone, need someone To stop me, stop me Stop me, stop me Stop me, stop me You can't stop me, stop me

She’s Leaving Home ~ The Beatles

She (We never thought of ourselves) Is leaving (Never a thought for ourselves) Home (We struggled hard all our lives to get by) She's leaving home after living alone (Bye-bye) For so many years

Nobody’s Child ~ Traveling Wilburys

I'm nobody's child Just like a flower I'm growing wild No momma's arms to hold me No daddy's smiles Nobody wants me I'm nobody's child

Fell In Love With a Girl ~ The White Stripes

Can't keep away from the girl These two sides of my brain need to have a meeting Can't think of anything to do, yeah My left brain knows that all my love is fleeting She's just looking for something new, yeah Said it once before but it bears repeating now

Horns ~ Bryce Fox

She can crush every hope Got her heels stompin' down my throat She got horns like a devil Pointed at me and there's nowhere to run From the fire she breathes

Yeah Right ~ Evanescence

My one mistake was giving more and more and more More and more and more

brutal ~ Olivia Rodrigo

They say these are the golden years But I wish I could disappear Ego crush is so severe God, it's brutal out here

I Got Stripes ~ Johnny Cash

I got chains - chains around my feet I got stripes - stripes around my shoulders And them chains - them chains they're about to drag me down

Like a Rolling Stone ~ Bob Dylan

Once upon a time you dressed so fine Threw the bums a dime in your prime, didn't you? People call say 'beware doll, you're bound to fall' You thought they were all kidding you You used to laugh about

Trust ~ Lucy Dacus

I've learned a lot since I began But I think I was wiser then I've done too much and not enough

Lua ~ Bright Eyes

When everything is lonely I can be my own best friend I get a coffee and the paper have my own conversations With the sidewalk and the pigeons and my window reflection The mask I polish in the evening by the morning looks like shit

Pressure to Party ~ Julia Jacklin

I know I've locked myself in my room But I’ll open up the door and try to love again soon

[abandonedpie]

Little bit of a vent, not that serious but slightly heavier than you'd expect from the subject.

TL;DR designing an ACNH island is suffering and I took that personally

So my island has been in a WIP state since its creation. Got fairly far with implementing my plans, and I've worked on pieces of it here and there, but recently, I was inspired to redesign the whole thing (again). No longer liked all the ideas I had liked before, and overall felt it was lacking. With some struggle, I started coming up with new ideas that I felt good about.

But the thing that has slowed me down the most? That has me already doubting or even hating my brand new ideas?

Paths. It always comes down to the paths.

Custom paths? Default paths? Both have pros and cons to consider. Fellow ACNH players are likely familiar with these issues: loss of footstep sounds, limited design slots to work with (is it worth using 12+ slots for a single path border?), having to make every design from scratch (no Online for me), lines of grass left between paths/inclines/buildings...

And I can't decide. I can't find an answer. Whatever I try, whatever I imagine, I don't like the result. I've hit a wall, and that wall is my own perfectionism. Clearly there is no perfect solution, and I have to compromise to progress—"finished, not perfect" and all that—but I don't want to compromise the vision I have for my island, even though I know that vision is unattainable.

I just want to have an island I'm happy with. And it feels like no matter what I do with it, I'll never be satisfied. I've seen such beautiful pictures and videos of other people's islands, and while they inspire me and fuel my creativity, they also raise my standards for my own island because I know it could be so much better.

I want to be able to settle for "good enough." But it feels like trying to paint a rainbow with one or two colors missing or not quite the right shade. Maybe I can make something pretty, but it's not what I envisioned or want.

So I think, let's just come up with something different. There are plenty of designs I would like just as much or more, right? I'm already struggling because I like multiple exclusive aesthetics/layouts/etc. and I can't fit them all on one island. But...paths are kinda omnipresent, and that means I have to accept them being substandard. Unless? I've considered using minimal to no paths, but I can't imagine that working for me. I'm not going for full-on natural forestcore or whatever (and even that wouldn't look its best without dirt paths, right?).

I guess I might've made this into a bigger deal than it needs to be. At this point, I feel tired and stuck and hopeless, and part of me wants to let it go. It's just a game. But I don't want to give up and leave my island a mess again. For a short while, I was excited to create, thinking I could shape my little land into something great, something I could walk through with a smile and maybe feel proud of. And now I wonder if that's really possible. There must be something I can do, something I'd like, but I don't know how to find it. I'm honestly having trouble focusing on it right now.

Seeking inspiration is a double-edged sword. As nice as other people's islands look, I know a lot of pictures are shared with filters, and even those that aren't...well, seeing images and videos is different than walking through your own island day after day.

I could go into the game's flaws and limitations, but this is what we've got. And it's not all bad. There's potential. The problem is my own inner critic, and I don't know how to get past it.

The best part is that I've been trying to fight this perfectionism with the game from the beginning, when I last restarted my island and named it Wabisabia after the term wabi-sabi, the Japanese ideal/aesthetic centered on transience and imperfection. You can see how well that's going for me ha ha ha! Even if I want to embrace it in theory, it's not so easy to break through the perfectionism cemented inside me.

Anyway, yeah. Back to agonizing over my island I guess. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[ma222dd4t4563214]

Break Up Vent, Scroll Away

I know I wasn't the best, I had too many problems, mentally. And I acted in ways that was isolating me from everyone including you. Deep down, I think I don't deserve love, not because I am worthless but it is a distraction that keeps me busy from a goal I had, it is false beliefs, that goal never mattered like you did and yet, yet I distanced you from me countless times and for years I kept doing that up until the very end I distanced you because I finished that goal and I feared that continuing to live might jeopardize all my career progress. Work hasn't been great, my performance is not what used to be, and that made me feel shitty about my life, it had nothing to do with you. I still grapple with suicidal thoughts and the fear of ruining my career. In my pain, I've pushed you away even further, feeling it’s unfair for you to bear the weight of my struggles, and deal with the mess that I am. I'm experiencing a deep sense of despair—my self-esteem is at an all-time low, and I've never felt this hopeless about life. I recently quit my job, and now I find myself just watching everything fall apart. And I made it this far, and I am still breathing, because you were always there, you were always listening, and I never doubt your loyalty for you stayed until it ruined your mental health. And through it I got more aggressive, I couldn't keep on doing it, I wanted you to say I am not a burden but, you were never ready for more, and I took two steps back for us, it hurts, and I am sorry. I am not doing better, it is getting worse. And it doesn't matter who comes, who goes, I only ever want to hug you in silence to feel better, but I can't, I can't be selfish no more. I never leave my WiFi open when I sleep, but since the time you called by email I leave it on even now, and every notification wakes me up, and I just wish it is you. It never is and I am not surprised. Last time I hugged you, you just came back from a family gathering and I was in your room, I cried immediately, and you let me, and I still feel that hug, I still need it. But I have no right, I have no right to call. I have no right to ask you for help. I can't guarantee things are better in my end, and I can't reach out for that reason, and I tell myself if you are happier this way, then, that is all that I need to know. I am not, and I need you more than ever. But I just can't ask you for help. I realize how selfish that would be, harming even. But do me a favor and reach out for anything, It will mean a lot to me. I'm your parcel. I have only your address on me. Open me, or readdress me. I am fine with all that comes next. But I died, in that hotel I died. And maybe you find peace in that.

[sips-tea-cutely]

Hiii! I have a BSD request! Its a bot dark but its related to something that Ive been working through lately. Can you do as many bsd characters as you can reacting to their S/O getting emotional on their birtgday because they "didn't think they would make it this far"? Like they struggled with severe depression and suicidal thoughts/SH in their childhood and honestly didn't expect to make it to the age they are now? Its almost my birthday and I've been struggling with the same thing so i wanted some fluff with my favorite characters to help me through it! :) thank you so much!

I’ll never love again because I am so in love with you.

“Everything passes

That is the one and only thing I have thought esembled a truth in the society of human beings here I have dwelled up to now as in a burning hell.

Everything passes.

This year I am twenty-seven.” -No Longer Human

osamu dazai, ango sakaguchi, gin akutagawa, chūya nakahara, akiko yosano, tetchō suehiro, sigma

a/n: let it be known that my friend randomly picked these characters…. ALSO @your--local--freak hey baybee boii emo boi im sorry im in an rawr mood but in an ironic way

#Osamu Dazai

“nightshade~ c’mon!! wakey wakey, it’s time to celebrate!” your boyfriend said while shaking your lucid body.

grumbling at your clear ignorance to him, he started kissing your face; on your forehead, your cheek— anywhere that he was able to reach. “h-?! alrightt!! osamu, im awake..” you groan at his sudden rush to wake up.

“c’mon, let’s get ready, it’s your birthday after all!” he said while removing his pajama shirt. “who are you and what have you done to osamu, when’ve you ever been excited by work?” you silently giggle

“hehe, i got the director to let us have a day off, i want to spend the whole day with you, of course!” he kisses your cheek once again, more gently and endearing rather than playful this time.

︶︶︶︶༉‧₊˚.

dragging you to every one of your favorite places, the cafe you used to frequent before joining the agency, the restaurant where the two of you had your first date, and the place you two had first met.

walking home from an arcade he dragged to, you looked unhappy, had he done it all wrong? “is something wrong, my nightshade? you look so sad!” he pouted. “hmm? ahaha, i’m fine osamu really—“ you laugh. “i just honestly did not think i’d still be alive.”

‘still be alive’? that was the thing he’d constantly say to ango and oda, he had felt dizzy from fear. “still be alive? does that mean you were considering committing double suicide with me? how honored, i am!” he grinned. of course, he’d never wish for you to die, you were someone who never did any intentional wrong; you were someone who unlike him, do not deserve to die.

“well, something like that, i guess. i used to be a little hopeless, i never really thought i’d make it.” you bitterly laugh, tears just threatening to spill. ah, no wonder you didn’t want to undress in front of him, you— just like him— had many scars.

what would’ve he wanted when he felt hopeless? someone who would take care of him, validate him when he felt like breaking apart.

suddenly grabbing your waist and lightly brushing your hair, he seems calmer than usual, most unlikely.

“i am glad you’re still alive, my dear. because you’ve done so much for me so, let me take care of you, just for tonight— ‘kay?”

silent for a while, you slightly nod, covering your glassy eyes. noticing the small gesture, he grabbed your cupped hands. how adorable

“well then, let’s get home now shall we? i have one more gift, me~!” he announced.

#Ango Sakaguchi

waking up next to ango was quite rare; his job often demanded late nights and early mornings so just imagine the surprise when you saw ango peacefully next to you, hair uncared for and wild from all the all-nighters.

“ango, you’re late for work, hey!” you quietly shout while tapping on his face. shooting up in fear, ango seemed to remember where he was— at home, with you.

“right… i finished the most urgent documents a week ago and asked chief taneda for two days off. it’s alright— it’s your birthday, after all.” he explained, his heart finally calming from the panic. “what would you want to do, dear?” he rubbed his eyes and put on his glasses.

“let’s just stay in bed for a while…” you lie back down onto the edge of his chest. “mmh, sure, if it’s what you want.” he smiled at your simple domesticity, wrapping his arms around you as the two of you talked about almost anything and everything.

︶︶︶︶༉‧₊˚.

after seemingly exhausted every conversation you two could’ve ever had, the two of you sat in each others’ presence. noticing you staring at the wall, you seemed melancholic, something akin to dazai’s teenage angst.

“is something wrong?” he asked, sitting up. “mm, it’s nothing major, i just didn’t think i’d still be alive by now…” you mumbled.

hopelessness, that had been something he was familiar with, the port mafia reeked of desperation and misery, even after four years, it still haunts him.

both of his dear friends had dealt with depression and traumas— they drowned in their own hollowness and it ruined them both mentally. this time, he had another chance to stop that from happening again. maybe this could be the way he redeems himself to oda and dazai.

“your life is a beautiful thing, you know? i’m so proud of you for living through your pain, i’ve seen many times how hard it is to live when it seems there is no reason so even living itself is amazing.”

a cold tear fell onto ango’s hand as he caressed your face. “you deserve to be happy because everyone deserves that right.” he smiled at you.

standing up and tugging at your arm, he beckoned you to join him out of the bed and into the living room.

“let’s get up now, then? i still have one more thing to show you, your birthday present.

#Gin Akutagawa

gin mostly did not show any affection publicly, so just imagine the surprise when you see her sneaking into your office with her hair down and her mask off for once.

“happy birthday, s/o!.. i got you this— it’s pastries from this new store that higuchi talked about, i thought maybe you’d like it…” she showed the fabric bag, tied with a red ribbon.

“oh, gin, there’s really no need for gifts, it’s alright!” you reassure her. before she can retort, you expand— “let’s share it instead, how about that?”. a bit confused, she agreed and sat down in the chair facing you.

grabbing one of the powdered confections, “mm… if you don’t mind me, why would you not want a present?” she asked before biting into the treat.

“haah, well i wont lie, it’s just that i never saw a use to living. it’s quite hopeless, really. im surprised im still alive.” you remark, just meekly laughing at the last part.

there’s a familiar look in your eyes, something in ingrained into her mind— ‘those who want to die have an equal desire to kill’, something her older brother often said.

“why would you say that? living up until now is a milestone we should celebrate!” she said, much more confident than usual. “gin, really, there’s no need to talk about it, it’s just something from my childhood..!” you try to move on from the conversation but she can’t.

childhood— did something happened to you? were you raised in similar conditions as her? the slums she grew up in were in terrible condition, were you hunted by traffickers as well? her thoughts ran wild as she thought of what she could do. if you don’t want to talk about it, it’s fine, she just wants to be there for you.

“hmm… i may not know as well as you the conditions you lived under but… i’m so grateful that you are still alive to this day, you mean more to me than you know, s/o.” she said, raven hair just slightly hiding the redness in her cheeks.

barely giving a moment to think, she grabbed you out of your chair. “come!” she smiled elegantly. “it’s your birthday so, let’s have as much fun as you want.”

#Chuya Nakahara

chuya cherished birthdays, especially yours. it is the day that his love was born after all, so did you expect less than for him to go all out?

waiting for you in your shared apartment— a rich dark chocolate cake on the bar counter, slow-dance music playing on CD player, and most importantly— him standing in your doorway with dozens of roses.

jingle, creak… “AAH!” you scream, hitting the intruder with your bad. “shit!” the crimson flora fly all over room as your boyfriend cups his cheek. “chuya?! what the hell are you doing there?” you shakily ask, turning on the lights.

“well, duh, it’s your birthday and i wanted to surprise you.. fuck..” he groans. “don’t just stand there in the dark, it makes you look creepy! are you ok?” you grunt before checking on him yourself.

“yea, nothing that’ll mark.” he breathily laughed at the whole situation. “now, back to what i planned—“ he grabbed some of the roses on the floor. “happy birthday, s/o.” he smiled, giving an endearing kiss on your lips.

“chuya, you really didn’t have to do all of this..” you told him. “i cant treat it like it’s just any day, it’s special because it’s your birthday.” he answered back as he guided you towards the dining table.

“plus, i had to fight off an agency scum for this cake, you better try some.” he joked as he placed it onto the table.

tasting some of the rich cacao, it’s so warm. the feeling of calm fills your psyche. “it’s that good, hm? glad to know.” he smiled, noticing your obvious mellowness. “it’s so comforting” you dreamily said.

“i’m so proud of you for living up until now.”

chuya had always known you had a bad childhood, so he had always made it a statement to express his love. even when he was busy, trying to talk to you about your day while the two of you prepared for bed.

remembering the things you loved and thought of chuya knew like it was the back of his hand but even so, him observing your behavior in the upcoming days till your birthday is so… sweet of him.

“you made it another year, you’re so strong.” he smiled genuinely. noticing the glassy look in your eyes, he pulled himself closer to you. “ah— shit, please don’t cry.” he wiped the tears off with his glove.

“c’mon…” he slightly sighed. “your birthday isn’t meant to be spent being depressed about the past, all that matters is that you’re alive right now so why don’t’ ‘ya celebrate that you got past ‘em?”

“n..noo.. im not sad… you’re just so sweet, ugh…” you groan. “i…” chuya stood, silent… “well, i still stand by what i said, we should still celebrate you.”

#Akiko Yosano

yosano cherishes life, birthdays are a reminder of that. so it’s honestly no surprise that she took you out on a day off.

going to your favorite shops, buying you anything you wanted, she couldn’t say no when it’s your birthday!

“mm, come, i have a reservation at your favorite restaurant” she dragged you along with her, going over to the waiter in the front.

exchanging words, soon enough he showed you over to a table for two, the edge showing a beautiful view of the sky; blue, white and grey fog the sky and move at a snail’s pace.

“fufu… what does it feel to be another year older, dear?” she smiled, admiring your features. “hm, well it still feels a little weird…” you laugh.

“well, that’s just a given, it’ll feel normal eventually.” she reassured. “aah, well that’s part of the problem but most of it is… ah, im ruining such a happy mood, nevermind!”

︶︶︶︶༉‧₊˚.

finishing your meal, it felt comforting, like it was home. mellow thoughts clouded your head until the staff surrounded you, singing happy birthday as they placed a free dessert in front of you.

“i don’t think i can say it enough but… happy birthday, darling.” yosano stared lovingly. until— she noticed how shaken up you seemed? did you not want to be put on the spot?

“thank you for this day, ‘kiko…” you smile gracefully. “i didnt think i’d make it to see the day, i feel so happy now that i’m with you.” you smile so appreciatively, so lovesick and joyed— the same grateful smile ranpo pulled out of her the day she joined the agency. did she really mean that much to you?

“life is always fleeting, i know better than most how it feels when you want to die at such a young age, and… i’m so proud of you for waking up everyday.”

#Tetchou Suehiro

tetcho was obviously not good with emotions. but something he was sure of was that he loved you so for you, he tries his best to be more affectionate.

coming into your office with some strawberry pudding, he placed it onto your table. “happy birthday, s/o.” he said, grabbing your hand and kissing it. “oh, ‘cho! i’m surprised there isn’t anything… odd about this. hehe, thank you.” you giggle.

“well, i was planning to add shichimi spices as a garnish however, vice commander okura and jouno heavily advised against it.” aha, in his samurai nature, he’s as honest as ever. “mmh… well, it’s still delicious, thank you, tetchou.” you smile and placing the dessert spoon back onto the bowl.

“alright now… what would you like to do? i am here for you.” as monotone as ever, he stood with incredible posture. “‘cho, really it’s fine i’m just glad to spend it with you here.” you wave your hand in reassurance.

“hm, are you sure? this day comes once a year, we should celebrate it.” he tilted his head in confusion. “ahaha, i honestly just wanna spend some time with you, it’s alright..” you respond with an overwhelmingly big smile— a smile he has only seen on jouno when he’d been interrogating various criminals.

“may i know why? whenever it is jouno’s birthday, he is supposedly my superior.” he asked, except for that last part... “i don’t really wanna talk about it, tetchou. let’s just spend some time together.”

slightly pissed with such an indeterminate answer, he started to dig deeper. “please let me know, s/o. so i can comfort you properly.” he pushed.

probably guessing it’s no use since he’d continue to push it, you just sighed tiredly as you vaguely explained the details of your childhood, your problems with suicide and so on. looking back to him, tetchou was silently fuming.

“the people who did this to you, the ones who made you cry— they are the ones who deserve to die. how dare they make a child feel this way?” he narrowed his eyes, as if pondering death. that is until he pulled you close to his chest, losing his hands in your hair.

“i will be here for you to make sure you never cry ever again.” his eyes full of resolution. “that is my promise to you.”

[thehomothings]

Analysis of Kite's conflicting moralities, relationship with death, and the toll reincarnation may take on one's psyche

So, today I decided to compile all the thoughts I have had about Kite's interesting worldview since the first time I saw him into one post, mostly for my own sake, really. If you're familiar with the few posts I've made, you know it's gonna be a mess, but hopefully a comprehensible mess.

A heads up, this is going to be spoiler-heavy, and very much deal with subjects of death and dying as a whole. Also, some of these conclusions are drawn from my own experiences and close brushes with death, I'm not going to go into much detail but it might get personal and definitely dark. I'm not even sure if I can call this a meta-analysis, and I'm obviously no expert, so mayhaps take all of this with a grain of salt.

Been getting into drawing lately, and during the more simple and mindless part of the painstaking process of dotting every single star in this, I let my thoughts wander through the latest part of the fic I'm writing, and I got a better grasp on what exactly made Kite such an elusive character to me.

I'm not quite sure why I got so attached to Kite. Perhaps it was the air of tragedy surrounding him, how despite his sordid past he remained still open and gentle even if outlined by a healthy dose of cynicism.

But sometimes, I think it's the fact that he is so paradoxical. He's brave, yet fears death to such a degree that creates a whole Nen ability around it, is a pacifist yet will not hesitate to spill blood for his own sake or someone else's. Despite the many ultimatums and warnings of 'I will not protect you', he gave his arm and then his life to save Gon and Killua. He approaches each hunt and battle with a clear plan of action in mind, but his Hatsu takes the form of a roulette that gives him random weapons which are never what he wants, but what he seems to need for that exact situation, which he cannot dispel without using. When he draws a weapon, the decision is locked in and his or his opponent's fate is sealed. That's why each time he dubbs his weapon a bad roll. Every time he has to gamble, he sees himself as having run out of luck. When it comes to having to choose between himself and somebody else...well, there had never been a choice. In fact his aversion to using it may feed into its sheer power that we, unfortunately, saw too little of.

Let's go over his very first appearance when he saves Gon from the mother Foxbear.

It's not hard to see the strain searching for Ging has put on him; he's rash, prone to anger and punching a child for daring to get into trouble. In his mind, he's failing at his most important task, has not yet earned the right to call himself a hunter despite being in possession of his very own hunter license.

After killing the mother Foxbear and raging about having done so, he says this interesting line:

So yes, he finds killing for any reason rather irksome as most would do, yet I think something deeper caused him to absolutely lose it in this scene:

He had not been aware of Gon's identity, and despite being an animal lover and a naturalist, he made a choice to save the human instead of allowing nature to run its course. In fact, he says: 'No beast that harms a human must be allowed to live.'

How does one weight one life against another? How is the worth of it determined? The value of life... an impossible choice he's faced with and a choice which he seems to regret to some degree.

The Foxbear cub.

Here, he's speaking from experience, a tangible loss he has felt himself, and a hard and bitter life he does not want to impose on the cub.

His backstory is exclusive to the 2011 anime adaptation but there are hints alluding to it in the manga, for example, the fact that he does not seem to know his birthplace, or:

The choice of words is chilling.

Reading between the lines, one could draw the conclusion that he is an orphan. Something supporting this hypothesis is how he visibly deflates after Gon tells him his parents have (presumably) died.

So we see he is willing to go against his own moral code of not killing as to not doom another living being to the life he led, a lonely, hopeless existence that could barely be called one. He saw it best to put down the cub rather than leave it to die a painful, slow death.

The reason Kite himself isn't as cynical and cold-hearted as one would be after witnessing cruelty in its rawest form is those small crumbs of human kindness which he may have found in Ging.

It was not only a chance at an honorable life being Ging's apprentice gave him, but it also 'saved' him from being broken and twisted into what he hated and worst of all, death.

If we take that one minute of backstory as canon to his character-which I find myself inclined to do- these quirks of his make much more sense. He lived on the run. He lived on the knife's edge between giving up or pushing forwards. He lived as so a wrong move could be the difference between survival and the end.

Between rock and a hard place creates a mentality of black and white, absolute good or extreme evil, this or that. Except in reality, it's much harder than that. Deciding who to save and who to strike down is a heavy burden to bear.

It's almost easy to see how struggling to keep surviving could lend itself to a crippling fear of death and subsequently developing a Nen ability which once more goes against his own moral code in order to give himself a second chance...yet something about it strikes me as unlikely when I look at it this way.

Living life knowing it could end at any moment has the opposite effect, at least for me it did. One comes to accept that it is fleeting and while not eager to let it go, when death eventually and inevitably does come, there is no fighting it.

Especially when there is no hope that tomorrow will be a better day than this one.

Frequent near-death experiences numb one's fear in a way, even if it drives them to take precautions that render it unlikely to happen again and results in c-PTSD, but still, it does. It sparks a certain nihilistic view of 'if it all can end so easily, then what's the point of it all?'

Unless there are things to live for, a sure promise of a better future, and Ging gave Kite that. When he faced the threat of losing his second chance at life:

Really, what else could lead someone to develop the ability of 'the hell I'm going to die like this'?

I think a separate event, an even more brutal near-death experience that almost cost him his life as the hunter he so strived to be set him off to develop the secret roll of Crazy Slots, what I call Roll No.0, Ars moriendi. Unlike other weapons, it cannot come up in random and is directly summoned by him, or better said, summon by his overwhelming will to keep going and hopelessness of fighting a losing battle. I don't believe roll No.3 was the weapon that allowed him to reincarnate. I've named that one Wand of Fortune, a sort of armor instead of an offensive weapon since I find it hard to believe Kite, a Conjurer, would not focus on defences as well, and I will go into both mechanisms of these weapons hopefully in his backstory.

Despite knowing this battle to be a pointless one and being acutely aware of his soon to be demise, he did not immediately draw Ars moriendi, no, he stayed back and fought for the sake of the boys, kept Neferpitou occupied until they could reach safety. We can see evidence of this in the aftermath of the battle that seemed to have gone on until dawn, a torn apart landscape only signaling a fraction of the devastation that was Kite's power unleashed. It still wasn't enough.

In the anime sub I watched, when Gon apologizes to Ging about Kite's death, Ging said a sentence that infuriated me, because it belittled the utter suffering of the NGL trio.

"He would not die in your place." (No screenshot, sorry)

And I remember practically shouting at the screen, screaming 'how could you possibly say that? Of course he did. He absolutely did die in their place. How could you not know your own apprentice? Why-'

It was only last night that it hit me why Ging would say that.

Once upon a time, maybe Kite would not have given his life for anybody under any circumstances, even if he had a way out of it all. He would still need to die to come back to life.

His Thanatophobia could be attributed to the (possibly untreated) PTSD of the near-death experience in his later life, being so certain of dying that finding himself alive afterwards drove him to never want to go through that again. He quieted his fear by creating a sort of a loophole, that even if he lost the battle he would remain. Ging remembered that, but as evidence shows, something changed. Maybe he healed a bit, perhaps growing up dulled his fear to a certain degree, but eventually when it came down to his life or another's, he didn't choose himself.

Now, I can hear you saying 'but he didn't die, so what are you going on about??' And so I reply: Yes, he is alive, but he did die. He experienced that painful, horrible moment of staring death in the eyes and thinking 'This is it, this is the end', went through the actual process of having his soul removed from his body. And that moment stretches into infinity, ten lifetimes condensed into the mere seconds before oblivion.

Dying isn't so hard if one stays dead.

It's not so easy to open one's eyes and find oneself alive again after that, no matter how much that is the heart's desire. It's difficult, nigh-impossible to reconcile with life and walk amongst the living when everything had been so final, when death had been accepted to its fullest.

So Kite awakens, the twin of Meruem and back from the dead, his mind and identity both intact and fractured. In that he is Kite is no mistaking, yet he is not the same gentle pacifist whose first reaction upon sensing a monster's aura was to shield two kids from it at the cost of his arm.

I don't think many of you are familiar with Zoroastrian ideology, but Togashi is known for loving his religious imagery, and it's not only Christianism he derives inspiration from (evidence of which can be seen all over Kite's character and resurrection).

In Zurvanism-a branch of Zoroastrianism- there is talk of the twin spirits: Ahura Mazda -epitome of all that is good- and Ahriman -epitome of all that is evil-, the parent god Zurvin decides that the firstborn may rule in order to bring "heaven, hell, and everything in between."

Upon becoming aware of this fact, Ahriman forcibly tears through the womb to emerge first. Sounding familiar yet?

Zurvan relents to this turn of events only on one condition: Ahriman is given kingship for 9000 years, and then Ahura Mazda may rule for eternity.

Meruem ruled for 40 days, his death leaving the throne vacant for ant Kite, wearing a dead girl's face and seeming to be brewing some nefarious plan. No more is there any sign of that unrelenting pacifism and the sanctity of life he held so high, losing his own may have only served to show him how meaningless the pain and suffering he went through had been, dying only to be reborn as a member of the species that killed him. It may be that he has no desire to rule over the remaining Chimera ants or create an army of his own-

Yet I dread to think what a broken mind possessing limitless power might do to the world.

And that's it. If you made it this far, thank you for reading! If you found it interesting, stay tuned, as I think a lot and I will make it your problem.

[mooniefics]

— a life in your shape

pairing : jean kirschtein / reader

word count : 2.5k

tags : unrequited love, pining, near death experience, confession of love, hurt no comfort lol

warnings : canon-typical violence, descriptions of injury to the reader

summary : you've always wanted it, always pictured it, always ached for it. you loved when jean looked you way. all you'd ever wanted was a life with him, not just a life in his shape.

— originally posted 1 / 22 / 21 on ao3 —

the mess hall was buzzing with life, rowdy with the chatter of dozens of cadets seated at long tables and speaking through swallows of their food. glasses were lifted and set down, bowls and plates clinking, utensils scraping sharply over various surfaces, nearly so loud that you could barely hear yourself think. but it all seemed to come to an abrupt silence when you settled your eyes back on him, taking in his formerly pale complexion now bronzy and sun-kissed from your hours of training, the annoyed yet playful glances he shot to connie and sasha as he worked through his soup and bread, full lips forming words that you couldn’t quite focus.

you were almost embarrassed of how smitten you were with jean, but in your mind, you couldn't understand how anyone wouldn't be taken with him. his thin frame had filled out with lean muscle in the year and a half that you'd been training together in the 104th corp, somehow managing to grow even taller than he already was on that first day, still so spirited with his persistence to be among the best of this class, a lively spark that never seemed to dampen gleaming behind his eyes.

"oh god, this again, jean?" you heard connie bemoan exaggeratedly, pulling you from the trance that you were surprised the other three at the table hadn't taken notice of.

jean was almost pouting now, and you would've found it so endearing had it not been the next words to spill from his mouth, indignant and full of tenacity. "don't be an ass, i've been trying to figure out a good excuse to sit with her for days now."

you followed his gaze despite knowing exactly who you'd find his eyes locked on, and forced yourself not to frown when you were met with the sight of mikasa just a few tables away.

"she's out of your league, man. not to mention having a thing for jaeger already, and not to mention that jaeger wouldn't hesitate to hand your ass to you again if you pissed him off like you always do. cut it out."

"connie, that's mean!" sasha feigned offense on jean's behalf, most likely for the sake of goading the reply that came as a distraction to snatch the remainder of bread from his plate.

"i'm just being honest with him here. he's asking for advice, so i gave him some. jean always talks about being realist and yet he— hey is that my food?!"

you turned away just as connie was lunging himself across the table, hearing the sounds of his fruitless efforts to tear the loaf from the girl's mouth, propping yourself up on your elbows and allowing your head to fall into your hands with a heavy sigh.

"what do you think?" in an instant, jean's eyes were on you, amber irises looking so intently at you that you could already feel a bothersome heat flushing your face. but registering his question sobered you, and stealing a glance at the beautiful dark-haired girl seated somewhere to your left was all in took to snuff out the light flutter in your chest.

"i don't know, jean. i think connie's kind of right about the whole eren thing." you were honest with him on a surface level, but it still didn't feel good to see him frown when you told him something he obviously didn't want to hear. you tried to remedy it by offering something more introspective—something a bit more true to your heart. "what i mean is that.. i think you're selling yourself short. mikasa obviously has her sights set elsewhere at the moment, and i just think you deserve someone who can bring the same sort of.." you struggled with your words for a moment, how could you not when he was leaning forward like that, listening so intently to you and you alone. "the same sort of passion. someone who can reciprocate." someone like me. but you bit those foolish words back.

"you understand, don't you?" he implored, looking past the bickering mess that sasha and connie had devolved to and gazing with such longing in the other girl's direction, "i mean.. i've never seen anyone like her, no one as beautiful.." each word gouged at your heart, a cold, empty sensation that left your chest feeling painfully hollow. "i know you're a girl, but you can see it too, right?"

you could see it, you were painfully aware of how you could never match up to her unfamiliar yet alluring features, that graceful, slender frame that could somehow soar through the air with ease and still thrown you down onto your back so hard it would knock the wind out of you, introversion that gave off such a charming air of mystery to her admirers.

"yeah," you mumbled back, ignoring how a huffing connie fell heavily back into his seat beside jean, defeated, sasha happily gulping down her unfairly earned chunk of bread, only taking notice of how jean was too fixated on mikasa to pay your dismay any mind, "i see it alright."

─── · 。ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

the air was thick with an unrelenting heat, stinking of steam and coppery with fresh blood, your vision fading in and out. your head was ringing with a deafening, high pitched peal and such an unbearable, crippling pain. you could feel your boots dragging across the hot dry dirt as something tugged you back by the collar of your shirt, and the terror of a titan with its misshaped limbs and mouth hauling you to your demise made you thrash aimlessly, screams for help spilling out as a disjointed groan of pain. and though it almost sounded as if you were underwater, sinking further and further beneath the lapping waves of your impending unconscious, you heard it, muffled, desperate, thick with tears, your name spilling from his lips.

and suddenly you remembered, you remembered the kidnapping and the unfaithful comrades and the mission to save humanity's last hope, your former friend now an almost unrecognizable abomination with ymir, bertholdt, and eren sitting atop his shoulders, clasped in his monstrous hands, that had now resorted to flinging titans in his primal desperation for escape. and as you blinked away the spots blacking out your vision, head lolling uselessly to the side, you could see your horse, half crushed in a puddle of red on the yellow grass, and realized that the warmth streaming down the side of your face is your own blood.

"jean..?" you mumbled, uselessly, barely coherent, but the near sob of relief from behind you is like an anchor back to reality.

you could see his calves on either side of you, feet kicking up clouds of dust as he pushed you both back, further from the fray and carnage, as far as he could muster. one of your blade scabbards was missing, you could feel that the clip on your gas tank had snapped off in your spectacular fall caused by the titan that was flung down in your path, irreparable damage most likely made to the fine mechanisms within the housing of your gear. you felt utterly hopeless, watching as the shade of a tree just barely shielded you from the blazing light of the sinking sun, hearing jean's gasping pants from behind you, feeling how rapidly his chest was rising and falling against the back of your head as you slumped into his body, leaden limbs weighing you down uselessly.

"jean." you wheezed, trying desperately to crane your heavy head back to meet his eyes one last time, eyes that no longer harbored the naive passion of youth but still gleamed so radiantly, "leave me.. here. you're g'nna— gonna die.. if you stay..."

you could feel his violent trembles now, feel him rip his green cloak from his shoulder to press against the throbbing wound on your head. "no. i-i'm staying. i n-n-need," he was scared, you knew he was terrified of allowing what happened to marco to happen to you, or sasha, or connie, or anybody, even if the boy's death was nowhere near his fault, "i need to s-save you."

but you could also feel something else—feel it coming—the terrible, earth trembling footfalls of a titan making a shambling, uncoordinated advance to you and the scent of your blood. and suddenly jean was screaming, a sound so raw and petrified that you couldn't help but cry yourself at the sound of it. he laid you down on the ground, bunched cloak pillowing your bleeding skull, unable to push himself to his feet but still drawing his last blade to swing at the thing coming to kill you both, covering your battered body with his own.

and in that moment, you hated yourself. though your head was swimming and your lucidity was waning, you knew that you would both die there, under the baking sun and in the jaws of a titan, and it would be your fault. every regret that you'd ever harbored flooded your mind: not hugging your mother long enough when you still had the chance, not drinking that liquor when squad leader hange had offered it to you, and, most of all, never having the bravery to be honest with jean.

and you mourned all that lost time in those final moments, every late night you'd spent as trainees under the stars when you and your friends would sneak out of the dormitories to talk at some ungodly hour, every shared meal where you didn't speak nearly enough to him, every second of the crushing embraces you'd offered each other when the thought of your fallen friends caught up to you and proved to be far too much to handle on your own. how could you have done so much yet so little with your life?

and just as the titan was stumbling upon you, jean's scream of terror dampening out into a faithless cry, the thing was gone, galloping away to join a newly assembled horde descending upon one single point on the plain. but somehow, you felt no relief, not as you reached out a weak, trembled hand to grasp the blood and dirt streaked fabric of his shirt.

and as he turned to you, eyes still wide and body shaking with horror, thrumming with the adrenaline of near-death, you whispered, hoarse and tired as your grasp on the world slipped away. "i love you, jean. i love you."

your eyes fell shut, the involuntary spiral down further and further into the deep waters of unconsciousness pulling you in deeper and deeper by the second. you were grateful that you at least got to say something meaningful as your last words.

─── · 。ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

there was a bright light, delicate, billowing fabric flouncing about in your bleary gaze as your eyes barely opened, something wrapped tight around your head, not making the pressure of the pounding headache any better. you couldn't fight the groan that even the small movement of turning onto your back caused, but you tried to force your lids open just an inch more at the sound of a gasp coming from somewhere in the room.

there were fast footsteps, a few shouts of "sasha, no!" and then a crushing weight on your chest, squeezing around you, pulling you up in bed as a tearful sob of your name came from a comfortingly familiar voice.

"sasha. please. h-hurts." you barely managed to croak out, feeling yourself been torn free—or rather, her  torn away—as connie yelled.

"get off them, you moron, they're fucking injured!!"

"i'm s-s-sorry!" she wailed, allowing herself to be dragged to the door by the disgruntled boy, "i'm j-just so happy you're s-s-still alive!!!"

"and i am too, but that doesn't mean i'm gonna go throw myself on top of them while they're in the hospital!"

their bickering was almost comforting in a way, allowing the strain in your chest from sasha's hug to ease as you watched them elbow each other in the sides on their way out of the room to take their loudness out into the hall, blowing raspberries and struggling to not laugh through their feigned anger. and finally your gaze was allowed to wander over to the furthest wall from your bed, and you saw jean, staring down at his shoes, brow furrowed and lip bitten. and he seemed almost startled to find yourself in his gaze, feet slowly taking him to your side.

"i owe you my life, you know?" you said as he settled himself on the edge of the mattress, still not meeting your gaze.

"you don't owe me anything. you shouldn't feel in debt to me."

"but i do," you risked to settle your hand over his, finally drawing his worried, amber eyes onto yours, and you could feel your heart beginning to pick up, the butterflies that you had always forced to settle with a pessimistic thought to squash your optimism light in your chest, "i meant what i said before i passed out in the field. i always have."

and for just a moment, you thought that this was finally it, that you would no longer have to languish over wasted time and wasted words, fingers just barely curling around his warm palm. then, a knock at the door, light and delicate before the handle turned, pushing open to reveal mikasa.

and you caught every small movement of jean's features, the way his eyes sparked with a familiar light, the sudden, faint flush of color across his slender face, lips parting and just barely perking up at the ends. an endless, unwavering adoration.

"eren is awake, if you'd like to talk to him." that was all she had peeked in to say, but jean was still gazing at the door for a moment too long after she'd left.

"u-um.. if you don't mind—"

"go ahead." you told him, gently, pulling your hand away, retreating as far as your body could into the mattress, under the covers, turning your gaze away.

and though he'd slowly, almost nervously exited your room, you could hear the clear pick-up in his pace as soon as he'd shut the door behind him and exited into the hall, probably rushing to try and catch mikasa for a moment alone in the hallway before he had to share her attention with everyone else.

and it hurt, like a blade buried between your ribs, being jerked and twisted with every memory of his affinity, the one that was never directed at you despite how you craved it. and you'd realized that you had melded a life in his shape, a life where you were always just a few steps too far behind, hand outstretched, reaching for him as you hurried to grasp at any minuscule opportunity to be with him, speak to him, hear his laugh and see his near blinding smiles that never seemed to last long enough to you.

but, perhaps one day, someday farther into the future. and if not then, maybe in another life.

[highstwildflower]

Less is more darling

Warnings: Mature, Smut

The heat had been unbearable in LA for the last few days. The outside felt like a sauna and being inside felt like a crime. Moaning you moved through the house looking for Ashton. When you found him he was busy with his phone, while talking to the person on the other end a smile spread on his beautiful features. You tried to ignore how beautiful he looked, distracting yourself you drank a large glass of water. Few minutes later Ashtons happy laughs filled your house "Guess what y/n. We are going to a pool party at Sierra and Luke's! Go get ready baby!" His voice was thick with excitement as you gulped down the water. Ashton lifted a brow at you, he had expected you to be bouncing off the walls or at least to match his own excitement. Before he had a chance to say anything you gave him a quick kiss before making your way to your closet.

Arriving at the party you clutched Ashtons hand in your own. Before you made it inside he was pulled away from you, as always. Normally you wouldn't mind, but lately you had needed him whenever you were in social situations. You hadn't voiced it to him or anyone for that matter, but your anxiety had hid new levels and it was affecting you in numerous ways. Only a few moments late you found yourself talking to the girls. Sierra was a close friend of yours and the next best security blanket, when Ashton was busy. The other girls who were speaking with you and Sierra was beautiful, absolutely goddesses. It was like that in LA, looks meant everything and sometimes that was the most hurtful thing to think about. You couldn't help your eyes from wandering down to the chests of the girls around you. You had always been on the lean side, and your boobs were nearly invisible, most of the time you didn't mind but right now you felt like crawling into a hole and hide forever. The feeling of being less of a woman, even less of a human began to creep into your body. Trying your best to shake the feeling you searched for Ashton, but your heart dropped when you saw him deeply engaged in conversation with a beautiful busty woman. You trusted Ashton, he was surrounded by beautiful humans all the time and life would be very tough if you did not trust him. But right now you couldn't help the burning pit at the bottom of your stomach, tears began to pool at your inner corners. Quickly you excused yourself and found a corner to lick your wounds in. You tried to calm yourself as your breath was uneven but it felt hopeless, the people behind you were having the time of their life while you silently were falling apart, even Ashton were unaware of your current state of mind.

But across the pool Ashton had noticed how you were covering yourself with you sundress even though everybody else were left in their bathing suites only. He also noticed how his beautiful bubbly girl was standing quite unfocused on the conversation she was a part of. As she turned her back to the rest of the party and her body only allowed shallow breaths Ashton was fast to leave the conversation he himself was engaged in. Crossing the distance with big steps he wrapped his arms around you from behind, relief filled your body as you turned in his grasp. Burring you face in his neck you allowed the sobs to escape your body, the loud music drowned the sounds at the moment was only shared between you and Ashton. Ashton stood silently just rubbing your back in an attempt to calm you down, when you finally felt yourself calming down you took a step back "Can we please go home?" your voice was small and almost pathetic but Ashton understood the panic in your voice "'course darling" his large thumb dried your tears away before he pulled you into his side.

As soon as you arrived at home you hurried inside desperate to cover your flat chest. Ashton knew you, and he respected that you weren't  as communicative a person as he himself was. However, he was a bit frustrated when hours had rolled by and you stilled hadn't offered an explanation for the sudden breakdown. "Baby" his voice rang through the house, and though you had been hiding in the sunroom you knew you had to offer him something "yeah I'm in here Ash" you voice were tired as you prepared yourself for the confrontation. His large frame entered the room and as if he was dealing with a wild beast he slowly approached you before he spoke calmly "Are you ready to tell me what that was all about?" he nudged your knee with his own as he took a seat next to you. Playing with the pages of your book you looked up at him "not really" it was clearly written across his face that he wasn't satisfied with you answer. Before he had a change to say anything you spoke again "I know I owe you an explanation, but I can't give you one right now, I'm just not ready. Please don't push me with this one." You were never really one to set boundaries so while Ashton was incredible proud of you he was also frustrated. Tucking lightly at his hair, he slowly turned to look at you a gentle smile spread across his lips before he leaned in to place a soft kiss on your forehead. He stood up and left you alone again.

Hours passed, those turned into days and still you and Ashton wasn't really talking, neither of you were mad at the other but you both got lost in your heads. Ashton went around thinking about you falling apart in his arms before you sheltered yourself from him, he felt like a terrible partner who had missed the cues. You, on the other hand, went around with a crippling self-esteem, you wanted to open up to him but you couldn't. It would just bring more attention to the fact that you were less of a woman, that he deserved someone who had a larger breast area. Along those days the temperature had risen and you had struggled with finding clothes to wear, everything showcased you flat chest. Loos closing were your only friend.

"Honey, I'm home" his voice brought you from your thoughts, wearing his loos sweater you walked to the center of the house where he just had announced his return. "Hi ashy" he smiled as his nickname left your lips, it felt like an eternity ago since you last greeted him like this. His arms open up for you to snuggle against him and you happily agreed. His lips found yours and for the first time in days you felt as if you might had a change to make it through this. "Whats going on in that pretty head of yours?" his question was intrusive and you took a small step away not ready to open up yet. "Y/n, baby please" he was desperate, knowing you brought this pain on to him brought tears to your eyes "No no, don't cry. I promise what ever it is we will figure it out. Together, you remember?" his arms were still around you as he played with the hem of your baggy shirt "Why are you wearing this baggy clothes lately love?" his voice was more careful this time but you still winched as he rubbed salt in your open wound. Getting the memo he grabbed your hand before dragging you behind him "what are you doing?" he didn't answer you as he continued to move towards your bedroom. He turned towards the big mirror in the corner of the room, without hurting you he sternly brought you in front of him so that you were facing the mirror. You avoided looking at yourself as you made eye contact with Ashton. "Look at yourself darling" his voice was soft yet decisive. You took a quick glance before meeting his eyes again. He gripped the hem of your sweater and brought the fabric over your head. Quickly you clasped your hands across your chest, protecting your nude form from both his and your stare. His large hands rubbed your arms as he gently worked your arms down to your side again "Look at how beautiful you are baby" his chest was warm against you back, offering a small comfort as you began to fall apart in front of him. "You can't say that. Im more flat that a skinny teenage boy"you spitted at him, your words made him furrow his brows as he let out a sigh "Thats not true baby, you are the most beautiful woman I've ever laid eyes upon" his ran his large hands from you shoulder across your collarbone "You are so dainty" he smiled as his hands continued exploring your skin, "Your breast sits as two perfect cherries, so perfect" his hand came down to massage your breasts. "I love how firm your boobs feels in my hands" he gave them a squeeze, a smile still tucking at his lips and it was beginning to rub off on you "I love how you look so damn elegant in anything you wear" "I love how you can ditch the bra, so I can look at your nipples all day" As the words left his mouth he tugged at your nipples, your head rolled back onto his shoulder as a soft moan left your lips.

Ashton kept your firmly against his chest as he told you how amazing your smaller boobs were to him. You felt him hardening against your back and you felt yourself grow wetter with each words that left his lips "Darling, do me a favor and get rid of your pants and underwear?" he gave you a questioning look in the mirror, checking if you were still okay with the situation. You undressed yourself as he did the same. His hard cock was released from its confine space and you couldn't help but moan at the sight, his eyes meet yours as you made your way towards him. Just as you reached for his cock his stopped your hand "It is all about you today baby" you mind was clouded and before you noticed he had you back in front of his chest as you faced the mirror. "look at yourself while please you baby"  his voice was warm and husky against your spine, sending a shudder through your body. You fixed your eyes upon your own body, following his hands as they followed every curve of your body. He finally reached your slit and his fingers lazily played with your lips, you whined as he once again pulled a finger through your wet folders without caressing your clit. "Patiences baby" he chuckled into your ear. You began to grind onto Ashtons hand, as you grew more and more desperate for a relief "no, no, no baby, you gotta wait" the mischievousness was obvious in his voice as he enjoyed teasing you while being able to watch your whole body in the mirror. After teasing you for multiple minutes Ashton decided that he had had enough of teasing you "pleas baby" you wimped and just like that he burrowed one of his long fingers inside of you "fuck Ash" your moan was loud but your whine was even louder when he stopped moving his finger "Keep your eyes open baby, I want you to watch yourself or else I'm gonna stop" you struggled to keep your eyes open but you wanted him to continue. He added another finger as he pumped viciously inside of you, his lips worked on your neck and in-between kisses he whispered sweet nothings about how hot he found you. "Please Ashy, I want your cock" that was enough for Ashton to rip his fingers from you slit, he spread your juices on his cock as he pumped it a few times. Position himself behind you he pushed into you, the air was filled with both of your moans and skin slapping against each other. "such as good girl, taking my cock while looking so beautiful"  he words made you clench around him and moan out loud, without you noticing you had been playing with your left boob for a long period of time. Ashton felt proud as he saw you enjoying your body "Fuck y/n, you looks to good playing with you tits as I'm fucking you in front of a mirror" you gasped as he snapped his hips into yours "I I'm gonna cum fuuck. " He helped you chasing you high by brining a thump to your ball of nerves and just like that you felt firework blossom at the pit of your stomach, he kept you against his chest at his chased his own high. "Fuck y/n" he moaned into your ear as he came into you. Ashton kept your close for a moment as you both came down, he slowly dragged out and pulled you into the bathroom with him. He turned on the shower and turned to you, his large hand caught your cheek and he caressed while looking into your eyes "I love you so muck baby, you are really so so beautiful " you smiled at him "I love you baby, thank you" a sweet kiss was shared between the two of you. The shower was filled with sweet touched and a comfortable silence.

The next night as you laid in bed Ashton looked at you for a second "what?" you laughed at him as he moved to hold you closer "I was just thinking... I love you, and I think your body is amazing. I would never want you to change, I prefer you just the way you are. But if the size of you chest is such a big problem for you, you could change it? please don't hear this as me wanting you to change love" You smiled knowingly at him "Its ok ash. I thought about it but you made me realize that I should embrace myself as I am" He smiled bigly at you "Is that so love?" He moved to hoover over you "You know, words are just words till you bring the to life" you laughed at him "one direction really?" he laughed back at you before attacking your side with his long fingers, tickling you until you were gasping for air. The room was filled with loud laughed from the both of you, Ashton kissed your lips before drawing back slightly "and another time love, I will always be here to lift you up, so please involve me?" You nodded be pulling him back in, feeling grateful for the loving goofball who was trapping your body against the mattress.

[mizus-blade]

I just listened to doin' well by roland faunte (it's last track of needle and thread, his new album) and here's my thoughts (cause I have no other place to scream about things apparently)

tbh until half of it I couldn't get what it was about and was a bit thrown off by all that talk of divine power and so and then in the second half when I understood what it was about I was a sobbing mess.

From the verse where it says:

" 'cause the experts I speak to tell stories quite clear

Though you're safe for a while you'll never quite heal"

and then he builds up to how they told him to just stay alive and it'll be worth it, but how he's not convinced and decides to do it but finds hope somehow and goes on to say how gratitude he feels towards his past self. It really strikes me how this song is not about saying that you should hang on and it'll be worth it as it says:

"I think if I somehow could send him a message I’d say not a word cause I think it'd be selfish

...

But I couldn’t bring me to make that suggestion To ask someone else to exist in that place is a crazy thing

...

Thought if others could feel what you felt they would tell you it's fine to leave It's only because they don't know what it's like When they ask you to stay they can say it so lightly"

and it's so precious for me, 'cause most songs or even other medias I've seen about thinking about ending your life (which are really rare too) are focused on saying that you should hang on and it'll get better and no matter how hopeless you feel it's gonna get better blah blah blah, but what we don't see much and I found it quite often in roland faunte's lyrics is focusing on the pain and acknowledging it. and it means so much to me when specially coming from someone who has experienced it that when you're in that situation you have no way of being sure that things are going to take a turn for better that telling someone to stay isn't that simple and you couldn't possibly know what they're going through and even in this song which is hopeful, when he is thanking his past self for sparing their lives, he is understanding and even respects his past if he had chosen differently, (and I think it's in an earlier song in the same album there's a similar line directed to other people who have chosen the other option). when he explains that because his past self had no guarantee that he'd ever stop hurting, and he did actually suffer after that for some time, it makes what he did even more precious to him now, this makes the whole song more real and moving where as if went on and on about that staying was the right call just because it got better.

to make it make more sense what I'm trying to say is this kind of songs (like my favorite from him 'levers') which acknowledge the pain and describe the hurt without shoving some artificial light/hope in your face really speak to me and they even make me feel not better but at least understood, and really mean a lot to me.

I really really recommend you to go and listen to his songs, his first album sewing kit it absolutely stunning, (you can read the story of writing it and how he struggled with his bipolar disorder here), my favorites are: levers (which is kinda describing how thinking about ending your life feels and some parts of the lyrics really hit hard, and maybe I'll post about it someday too), lake and end on hai. his second album which has just dropped is needle and thread, doin' well is it's last track. most of his songs are somehow related to mental illness, but some of it is in a metaphorical way like in levers it never directly mentions that it's about how it feels to have suicidal thoughts but you can understand what he's talking about.

[savtastic]

Standing in the middle of the road, in the middle of nowhere.

Indescribable hollowness, silence vibrating in my ears. Why is nothingness so loud? It spreads through my fingertips as I disassociate from my being, and suddenly, my fingertips no longer feel like my own. I haven't felt this feeling in a long time in fact, I hardly ever remember pain of this magnitude, to feel so much yet so little at the same time. I’m grieving for two people who are still alive, but don’t want to be.

Perhaps I'm going insane. My once lively mind is now full of dread, and I'm not quite sure how to handle it. My brain is constantly at war with itself in a hopeless struggle to fill in the missing pieces I've lost and never had, resulting in a no longer starving body. As though my brain recognizes that my spirit has gone AWOL, basic bodily needs are no longer necessary. Why feed a body that runs on nothing?

Why so suddenly am I gone? Why now has my will met its end? At a time where he needs me most, I no longer possess the strength I once had to lift us both. The end of us was no surprise to me, though I tried so hard to blind myself. I thought my love for him was unconditional enough to fix everything. The first time this happened, it was almost easy, my hope was strong enough to keep me going. But as this is the second time, there appears to be a gravity to it now. In my eyes everything seemed to be going nicely. Everything seemed so perfect until it wasn't, like all his laughter and smiles; were just lies.

I wish she was here to keep me grounded, as jaded and incredibly predictable she is; she still is the other piece of me, now also gone, she left when I needed her most at a time we both were excited for, it all seemed great until it wasn't, like all her laughter and smiles; were just lies. Suddenly all I see is lies, if they had just told me how bad it was, maybe I could've helped them sooner. But now, like a deer in headlights, I have no choice but to get hit by this massive fucking bus.

In a way, I feel like I've been left on the side of the road to just bleed out, as my lungs slowly squeeze bits of air from my mouth. I must suffocate. I must suffocate these feelings of love that tie me down to drown in this ocean of endlessly. What ever happened to it? Why end something we swore was without end? You say this had to happen, yet you still hold my hand, touch my thigh, look at me like you want to just crumble to my feet. How could she plan her end for weeks but still tell me she'd be around year's from now, that our kid's would one day play together in our yards? How can I always be positive enough to keep both of you running? Why must I feel everything when it seems I’m the only one who does. Both of you looked me right in the eyes, and lied through your teeth to spare me, but this is far worse than the ladder.

My heart is screaming and tearing at my rib cage, like a wild animal in containment. It hurts me to keep this feeling in such a small space, to pretend like It's not even there, when all it wants is you. My body, my mind, my soul is fighting, in a debate between not caring and continuing to love without end, my mind wonders, imagines and worries, so much going on inside, and yet I sit motionless, tearing at my fingers. Spiraling in this silence I've been left in, but I'd give anything to make you both okay again.

My friends want to die.

[whitewolfofwinterfell]

I read your previous answer about Stefan being a martyr or a hero (I agree with everything you wrote, thank you for always answering so throughout and thoughtful, it's a joy reading your metas) and I noticed you wrote "lost my soulmate to a coma" in a part of it and I just wonder, do you really believe stelena were soulmates? I do and I've seen other people discuss it, but it'd be fun to read your opinion on it too... if you'd like to share it of course (:

You’re welcome! I’m so glad you love reading my metas, because I always love writing them.

In answer to your question, of course I believe Stelena were soul mates. Of everything pertaining to their relationship them being soul mates is one of things that can never be denied or taken from them. Kevin Williamson has explicitly called Stelena soul mates, Nina has said Stefan feeds Elena’s soul and even Caroline Dries described their relationship after their break-up as being a soulful friendship.

Since you’re already familiar with my metas, it should be no surprise to you that I’m putting the read of my response under the cut, since it’s so long haha.

I think the concept of soul mates is one that’s different for everyone and there are no clear cut definitions or answers, but the most basic definition I can find is from the Oxford dictionary which is:

A person ideally suited to another as a close friend or romantic partner.

I don’t even feel it’s necessary to give examples of how Stefan and Elena fit this definition. It’s pretty obvious for everyone to see that they were ideally suited both as a couple and friends. The problem with that definition is that it’s too simplistic and unfeeling, so I’m gonna go to Urban dictionary instead. I would usually never do this, but since soul mates is more about personal interpretation I wanted to get an idea of some of the common things others perceive it to mean. A few definitions say:

A person with whom you have an immediate connection the moment you meet..The first time you glimpse at each other you are immediately drawn to each other…

A soul mate is someone you meet and the instant your eyes meet you feel these incredible feelings that you never knew existed…

This is a crucial element, that I feel ultimately solidifies Stefan and Elena as soul mates above any other couple on the show. They are the only couple who had an immediate connection from the moment they first met, which is a crucial attribute of soul mates. The reason for this is that the idea of soul mates, comes from Folklore and is the idea that when a soul descends to earth it splits in two, each half of the soul inhabiting a separate body. These two halves are destined to wander the earth until they find each other and only then will they be complete. And since these two people are essentially  two halves of a whole, there is an instant recognition and connection, which is also where the idea of “love at first sight” is born from.

Another definition of soulmates is the following:

It’s the love that survives anything and everything, that struggles and pulls through, that even when it seemed hopeless and out of control it still beat strongly. It’s the love that is not superficial, a love that transcends not only the physical world but time itself.

This fits Stefan and Elena perfectly. There seems to be an impression that just because Stefan and Elena broke up their love ended or they stopped being soul mates, which is completely incorrect. Stefan and Elena’s love transcended their break-up, transcended Elena falling in love with Damon and being in a relationship with him, transcended Elena being in a coma for 3+ years and transcended Stefan’s death. In 6x22, 6 years after they met and after everything they’d been through (individually and together), Elena stood before Stefan and said, “I love you so much” and in 8x16 she sat outside Stefan’s resting place 10(?) years after his death remembering him and devoting her life to his memory. Their love was eternal and survived through everything, even death.  

A common theme I also see popping up in these definitions as I’m scrolling through is the unwillingness to live without your soul mate in your life, which again describes Stefan and Elena. Even after she broke his heart in season 4, Stefan never stopped wanting Elena to be a part of his life and in season 5 he pushed through his personal feelings in order to establish a friendship with her, because he knew she was so important to him that he’d rather have her in his life as a friend than not in his life at all. In addition, in season 6 when Stefan had moved to Savannah, Elena refused to leave Stefan alone to get on with her life and he told her that he was avoiding Mystic Falls not her. This shows that even when they weren’t living in the same town and their common connection (Damon) was gone there was still a connection between them and a desire to remain in each other’s lives. Similarly, Stefan’s reaction to Elena’s “death” in 7x12 and Elena’s reaction to Stefan’s death in 8x16 showed all the signs of people that couldn’t bear to live a life without their soul mate.

I’ve also found an article that outlines 10 elements of soul mates (x) which I’ll go through systematically.

1. It’s something inside. This is an ambiguous definition and one of the reasons discussing soul mates is so difficult. But I feel like Stefan’s quote from season 5 of, “When we were together, every single atom in my body told me that it was the right thing, that we were the perfect fit,” pertains to this. It’s something that’s deep and profound, a love that makes you feel something you can’t quite explain.

2. Flashbacks. Now, this one is very interesting regarding Stelena, because of the issues revolving around them being doppelgangers. There’s no denying the doppelganger story line developed in season 5 is incredibly flawed with plot holes left right and center, but ultimately, I feel that what it was doing was implying the idea of soul mates. The doppelgangers were born as a direct result of Silas and Amara’s love, they were literal copies of them and therefore destined to meet and fall in love. As Tessa said, she watched versions of Stefan and Elena find each other and fall in love century after century. And when you take away the idea that each doppelganger is an individual person/character these doppelgangers throughout the centuries can surely represent various past reincarnations of Stefan and Elena?

3. You just get each other.“I know you, Stefan, better than anyone.” “You know me probably better than anyone else.” “You knew me better than anyone, you always have.”

4. You fall in love with his (or her) flaws.This is referring to the acceptance of one another’s flaws. I can say with complete confidence Elena accepted Stefan for his flaws and she took this a step further by having faith in his ability to overcome them. The poor writing in the later seasons means that Elena’s flaws were hardly acknowledged by the writers let alone by Stefan or any other character, but the fact he remained a faithful and loyal friend to Elena until the day he died suggests that he did indeed accept every part of Elena.

5. It’s intense. Again I feel like I don’t really need to explain this. From the very beginning their relationship was intense and although the romance ended, whenever Stefan and Elena had an emotional or romantic scene together it was incredibly intense (e.g. almost kiss in 5x04, goodbye in 8x16)

6. You two against the world.I think this definitely applied to Stefan and Elena when they were a couple. Whenever they faced an obstacle they faced it together, they were a team. When Elena was dealing with finding out she was adopted/meeting Isobel, Stefan was right there by her side, when Katherine came back and tried to tear them apart they fought to face her together, when Klaus was hunting Elena they worked as a team, even though Elena becoming a vampire broke them up, they still very much faced that together in the early episodes, and even in the hunt for the cure they were united. Let’s just put it this way: Stefan and Elena have always been on each other’s side, always fighting the same battles and for the same cause.

7. You’re mentally inseparable.This is without a doubt a trait of Stefan and Elena’s relationship. It’s why Stefan’s humanity was so rooted in his love for Elena, why Elena instinctively knew Stefan was looking at her in 3x02, it’s why no matter what happened they remained in each other’s lives, it’s why in his final moments the person Stefan saw was Elena.

8. You feel secure and protected. Again, no explanations necessary. In 3x22 Elena clearly stated that part of the reason she fell in love with Stefan is because he made her feel safe. Whenever Elena was in danger, it was always Stefan that she sought and when he held her in his embrace, you could clearly see how safe she felt just for knowing he was there. With Stefan, I think the safety he experienced with Elena was not so much rooted in his physical safety, but his emotional/mental safety. Elena was the first person since Lexi to keep him grounded, to connect him to his humanity and keep him sane. When he was with her he felt safe knowing that she gave him the strength to conquer his demons and overcome the darkness.

9. You can’t imagine your life without him (or her). This goes back to what I’ve already mentioned about how Stefan and Elena could never completely leave each other’s lives. Even after his death, Elena was finding a way to weave the memory of Stefan into her daily life. Stefan and Elena from the day they met were always going to be in each other’s lives and that is just a fact.

10. You look each other in the eye. Stefan and Elena did this all the time, even after their break-up. Their eye contact, the way in which they looked each other (8x16 is particularly coming to mind here, but also 6x21 and 6x22) was always intense, soft, adoring and easy. You could see the familiarity and comfort that was between them just by seeing the way they looked at each other.

So, by the definitions I’ve found and outlined above, Stefan and Elena seem to be confirmed soul mates.

From a personal perspective, I have never doubted that Stefan and Elena were soul mates. The reason for that is that my perception of soul mates is simply two people that upon meeting form an instant and profound connection and that connection grows and blossoms into a very meaningful relationship that is inexplicable and unbreakable. Whilst the characteristics above do describe soul mates to an extent, for me it really comes down to the fact that Stefan and Elena had such a life-altering impact on each other. They’re two people who brought each other back to life and who quite literally transformed each other’s lives forever. Stefan and Elena’s lives took the paths that they did because they met, because they fell in love, because they knew each other. Even though they broke up Elena reconnected Stefan to his humanity in such a deep way that he was able to continue to grow and move forward with that and loving Elena is an experience that enriched his life and made him happy (even if only for a short amount of time). For Elena the impact was so much bigger because not only did he save her (literally and metaphorically in season 1), but she actually ended up living her entire life through Stefan. She devoted her life to his dream career, chose to live her life a certain way and to be happy in honour of Stefan and what he’d given her. That alone makes me wonder how anyone could say that Stefan and Elena weren’t soul mates, because really, is there anything more profound than that? Another significant reason as to why I perceive Stefan and Elena as being soul mates is because of something which has already been mentioned - their emotional/mental connection. Particularly emotionally, Stefan and Elena had such a instinctual and natural understanding of one another that continued throughout the seasons. As always I feel like the concept of an emotional connection can be very misunderstood by people, so I took the liberty of doing a quick Google search and found a site that I feel explains it very well (x). The first basic definition it gives is:

An Emotional Connection happens when two (or more) people knowingly feel and perceive the same thing at the same time.

I feel like this definition alone really hits the nail on the head and clears up the how/why Stefan and Elena developed such an intense and deep emotional connection. In fact, it also actually explains why/how they connected so quickly, since they were both feeling lost and as Kevin said “dead inside” and they knew they were feeling that way. When Stefan found Elena’s journal, it suggested that she was feeling certain emotions that she couldn’t express in any other way except by writing them (just like Stefan), when they sat in the Grill and Stefan explained that he lived with his uncle, there was an immediate connection on the basis that they’d both lost their parents (obviously the circumstances were completely different, but that’s irrelevant) and particularly at the end in 1x01 when Stefan showed up on Elena’s door with blood shot eyes and they had that conversation where Stefan asks Elena if she’s okay and she says that’s all anyone seems to ask her and he says, do you ever really mean it? That conversation just confirms that emotional connection that was already being built in the earlier scenes by portraying two people that were clearly at a low point in their lives and looking for that emotional connection they found in each other to appease their loneliness and give their life meaning and purpose. The examples that the site gives are also great for going deeper with what it means to have an emotional connection:

Two lovers holding hands while gazing out together at a beautiful sunset - hello, this is already a canon Stelena moment.

A mother and a baby feeling scared together after the baby falls over into a coffee table - comparable to pretty much every scary event Stefan and Elena experienced throughout the season (and let’s face it there were a lot haha) where both of them shared the same fears

A husband and a wife discussing and forming a shared commitment to financial goals - comparable to Stefan and Elena’s shared vision for the future (a human life, children, marriage, careers as doctors etc.)

Two friends laughing together over an old teacher’s funny walk - the entirety of 5x21 comes to mind (they had so much fun and laughed so much together in this episode).

As you can see from these examples and the definition, an emotional connection is really rooted in sharing emotional experiences, negative and positive. Throughout all 6 seasons Stefan and Elena consistently shared similar emotional experiences at the same time (a few of which are outlined above).The next essential part of an emotional connection is empathy:

Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another person.

This is something I feel like Stefan and Elena did brilliantly. For all of their common feelings/thoughts on certain subjects, there were also a multitude of things that made Stefan and Elena different from each other. They went through experiences emotionally that the other hadn’t, yet they always displayed understanding and empathy. When Stefan was struggling with his blood lust towards the end of season 1, Elena was completely supportive and empathetic, despite being human and not being able to necessarily fully understand what Stefan was going through as a vampire and the same happened in season 3 when Stefan had no humanity. Stefan was empathetic towards Elena in season 2 when she was suffering through the pain of being coveted by the most powerful hybrid of all time. There’s the whole line from Stefan in season 4 of, “You’re in hell, which means I’m in hell” line from Stefan which really sums this up (x). Whatever Elena felt, Stefan felt and vice versa. That is a very powerful thing which is reserved only for the deepest of loves and relationships. However, as the article says, empathy is not enough in itself, it needs to be communicated.

Feeling empathy is a necessary ingredient for emotional connection. But it is not, by itself, sufficient; in order for an emotional connection to be created, the empathy needs to be communicated.And that is where validating feelings comes into play.

Again, Stefan and Elena had no problems in this area. There have been endless conversations between Stefan and Elena where they demonstrate understanding and empathy for one another, even if it’s just simply saying, “I know” and hugging each other. Look at what Stefan said to Elena in 2x20, “Hey, it matters. It matters.” A prime example of Stefan validating Elena’s feelings and showing her his empathy towards her. An example of Elena showing this to Stefan would be in 2x05. “Just a few drops every day, right?” Elena is so empathetic towards Stefan’s struggle with blood and his dilemma between not wanting to lose control, but also wanting to be stronger that she changes her perspective to see Stefan’s POV and then willingly agrees to allow him to feed off her. If that is not a clear example of both empathy and validation, I don’t know what is.

The article ends by explaining that the reason why so many people struggle to establish true emotional connections with others is a discomfort at the prospect of being vulnerable, which is essentially a completely natural human fear. Once more, Stefan and Elena demonstrated the extent to which they were able to be vulnerable with each other. An emotional connection cannot exist if the two people involved are unwilling to drop their walls and be completely honest about their feelings. Here are examples where Stefan and Elena did this with each other (these are just off the top of my head, there are probably more):

1x19: Stefan tells Elena the truth about his struggles with blood lust and openly cries and shows his frustration in front of her

1x20: Stefan cries and admits his guilt, pain and turmoil over the terrible things he’s done in his past

2x09: Elena cries in Stefan’s arms and expresses how she blames herself for her friends being hunted by Klaus to break the curse

2x20: Elena opens up to Stefan about not wanting to be a vampire and cries in his arms

3x14: Elena tells Stefan how she’s feeling about the uncertainty of their relationship and encourages him to open up to her in return

3x20: Elena cries in Stefan’s arms and admits she feels she has no one

4x01: Elena cries in Stefan’s arms openly as she suffers through the transition, later on in the episode Elena and Stefan talk about their love for one another, the situation with Elena nearly dying and cry.

4x02: Stefan admits to Elena he feels insecure that she chose to turn to Damon for help instead of him and Elena opens up about the heightened grief she’s experiencing

5x18: The two discuss how they’re feeling about their visions openly and honestly and get very emotional with each other.

6x22: Elena cries as she tells Stefan how she feels about him.

8x16: Both of them openly cry and discuss how they’re feeling about Stefan’s death and hold each other.

There are so many more examples, particularly in the later seasons that I’ve skipped because I’m just too lazy to write them out haha, but the point has been made anyway. Stefan and Elena were able to be very vulnerable with each other and they had complete trust that neither of them would use that vulnerability against the other as a weapon.

Proof of this emotional connection manifests itself in so many ways throughout the series. The fact that Elena was consistently Stefan’s connection to his humanity, that Stefan was the connection to Elena’s (I will not have anyone tell me any differently on this matter, 4x19 and 4x21 just proved this), that even when she was in a dilemma about Damon Elena sought out Stefan for advice/comfort (even after Damon’s death in the beginning of season 6) and that they knew each other better than anyone else. All of these aspects of their relationship stemmed from this emotional connection that was between them.

Although there are many other smaller factors that contribute to it (such as their general compatibility as people, which I’m sure I’ve discussed in another post somewhere), the depth of this emotional connection Stefan and Elena shared combined with the long-lasting impact they had on one another’s lives are really the main reasons I believe Stefan and Elena were soul mates.

[gayyogurt-blog]

What I've learned about caring for my mental health since having a breakdown

What I've learned about caring for my mental health since having a breakdown

October 10th is World Mental Health Day.

You can't tell by looking at me, but three years ago, I had a complete breakdown-or an emotional health crisis. A lot has happened in the time since. I've taken a few steps forward, then twice the amount of steps back. I've been split apart and put back together. But most importantly, I'm still here, still navigating who I've become in the aftermath of something so earth-shattering, and still hoping to be seen.

If you've never witnessed, experienced, or heard of a mental health breakdown, it's an acute manifestation of an already lingering anxiety, depression, or bipolar disorder. The result is an inability to function in everyday life, feelings of hopelessness, and/or a feeling that you will never be “normal” again. It's an isolated state because you've either hidden the warning signs from loved ones, or denied them yourself. Even when managed, my anxiety and depression have me white-knuckling a cliff so as not to drop. If you know what panic feels like, then imagine a breakdown as a heightened version of that state-like trying to see through your car windshield while driving in a monsoon. That feeling doesn't let up until you've quite literally cracked up.

My experience, which happened after months of ignoring red flags, was a combination of stress, undiagnosed disorders wreaking havoc on my everyday life (specifically OCD and PTSD), occasional suicidal ideation, and the smallest of triggers (an argument that quickly went awry). In an instant, my panic inflated from 1 to 100. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't see past my rapid heartbeat. I not only felt like the room was collapsing in on me, but the whole world. This definitive moment-one so burned into my memory that I can recall an internal sound, like the heated sizzle of my short-circuiting brain wires-became the catalyst for why I split in two.

There was the me before this event, and the me after. The in-between no longer existed.

Immediately after, I was numb. I'd been protected by a shell until the shell splintered and disintegrated to nothing. Left to fend for myself (or so I felt at the time), I became catatonic, fueled only by tears and the belief that I could never be okay again. I still remember lying on the floor with my laptop in front of me, desperate to find the help I knew I so desperately needed. But, as I quickly found, mental health care is complicated.

Here are some things I learned throughout this incredibly raw time. I hope this information can help you if you ever find yourself in a similar situation:

1. You have to reach out, even if you don't feel like it.

At the time, I was blessed with an amazing support system at my job. They weren't only my friends or my coworkers, but my family. Even still, I hesitated telling them what had happened to me, for fear of judgment. I was embarrassed by something that I couldn't control.

When I finally sent the emails and texts explaining what I was recovering from, I felt a sense of relief by getting it off my chest and I was greeted with the exact love, support, and encouragement that I should've come to expect from these people. I will forever consider them my saviors for hearing me, seeing me, and reminding me that I am not alone in this world. If you don't have a support system, it's imperative that you talk to someone. Take advantage of counselors through accessible mental health resources. It could mean the difference between coming back from the brink or dropping from that aforementioned cliff.

Your mental health is important too #WorldMentalHealthDay pic.twitter.com/9Y2znMhm5P

- Action for Happiness (@actionhappiness) October 9, 2018

2. The path to recovery may be tedious.

Shortly after my breakdown, as I lay on the floor with my laptop while my husband desperately tried to understand, I searched for help. And I searched. And I searched. And I searched. Turns out, when you factor in insurance barriers, the fact that you are not feeling suicidal in that exact moment, and a doctor's track record for successful treatment, finding good health care is more difficult than it sounds. Most of the professionals who I wanted to see were completely booked with appointments that had already been set months in advance. and had room for emergencies only. I wasn't a threat to myself-just more dazed and lost than usual-and I told myself that those spots should be reserved for someone in far darker places than I felt at the time. But I still needed help.

Days later, I called a help line and an inpatient facility, and the reality of it all terrified me into hanging up. I believed I could figure it out on my own-however wrong that idea was. But I forced myself to keep searching for treatment because my life and emotional well-being was at stake. I am so glad I did, because I eventually found the right, available doctors for me.

No matter how much work it is, you have to keep searching.

Leanne Surfleet/Getty Images

3. Go to the appointments and do the work, even when it gets exhausting.

At the beginning of my treatment, I went through three forms of therapy. I'm a believer in going big or going home, and this was the most important thing I've ever needed to go big for. One therapist specialized in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), where I learned tools for grounding myself in the present moment. CBT challenged me to stop grieving my past and to stop looking into the future so I could breathe in the present. I'm not going to lie; it's hard. I failed (still fail) often. It takes practice, and sometimes, I don't feel mentally fit to go through the motions. But when done properly, it works for me.

My second therapist helped me work through childhood traumas that were the long-standing cause of my breakdown. These sessions were emotionally draining and I often left exhausted after cleansing myself of all that plagued me. Seeing this therapist meant facing my demons head on. It was the most difficult thing I've ever done and, to be honest, I stopped going after my grandmother died. As my therapist herself warned, my grandma was the glue holding a lot of me together. Without her in my life, I didn't feel strong enough to continue such intensive therapy. That's what's so hard about these disorders: They lie, convincing you that you aren't strong enough. I know I am now.

The third form of therapy was group grief counseling to address my deepest wound-the loss of my biological father to cancer. As I sat, listening to others share their stories of loss, I began to understand that I truly wasn't alone. On some level, we all understand pain.

KatarzynaBialasiewicz/Getty Images

4. Practice continual self-care.

As the mother of two children with multiple jobs and to-do lists, I'm never not busy. That takes a toll. After the incident, I took a hard look at all I'd done to take care of myself despite whatever life demanded of me-a kind of inventory. Turns out, I'm the last person that I care for, often shorting myself in the event that someone else needs something first. I wasn't doing myself or my emotional health any favors by trying to please everyone all the time, holding my frustrations inside, and blaming myself for every upsetting moment in the history of life.

Today, we are highlighting the millions of strong and brave individuals who live with mental illness. Remember, your journey is worth sharing. #MIAW pic.twitter.com/DtIrFfcOME

- NAMI (@NAMICommunicate) October 9, 2018

5. Accept that caring for your mental health is an ongoing, imperfect journey.

Three years ago, I didn't know how to forgive myself for things beyond my control. I didn't know how to move on from my past or how to admit I'm a flawed human who sometimes needs more than she's willing to ask for (if she'll even ask at all). I still suffer from my disorders and I still have to work to manage them. But now, when all starts feeling lost again, I don't ignore the warning signs. I take precautionary measures like seeking support and health care, pouring myself into something that makes me happy, practicing self-care, and most of all, being patient with myself.

Mental health isn't a destination; it's a journey you'll be on for the rest of your life.

One bad day doesn't ruin them all. You will mess up. You will still cry. You will still battle the same emotions that brought you to your knees in the first place. In the three years since I've accepted my reality, I now understand things I couldn't in my “before.” I'm stronger than I give myself credit for, and if you see pieces of yourself in my story, then let me be the first to say that you are, too.

So, hold on, friend. You are seen.

If you are struggling and need help, call the National Alliance on Mental Illness HelpLine at 1-800-950-NAMI (6264), available Monday through Friday, 10 a.m.–6 p.m., ET. If this is an emergency, you can call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-TALK (8255) or text NAMI's Crisis Line at 741-741.

The post What I've learned about caring for my mental health since having a breakdown appeared first on HelloGiggles.

[dragons-in-bowties-blog]

What I've learned about caring for my mental health since having a breakdown

What I've learned about caring for my mental health since having a breakdown

October 10th is World Mental Health Day.

You can't tell by looking at me, but three years ago, I had a complete breakdown-or an emotional health crisis. A lot has happened in the time since. I've taken a few steps forward, then twice the amount of steps back. I've been split apart and put back together. But most importantly, I'm still here, still navigating who I've become in the aftermath of something so earth-shattering, and still hoping to be seen.

If you've never witnessed, experienced, or heard of a mental health breakdown, it's an acute manifestation of an already lingering anxiety, depression, or bipolar disorder. The result is an inability to function in everyday life, feelings of hopelessness, and/or a feeling that you will never be “normal” again. It's an isolated state because you've either hidden the warning signs from loved ones, or denied them yourself. Even when managed, my anxiety and depression have me white-knuckling a cliff so as not to drop. If you know what panic feels like, then imagine a breakdown as a heightened version of that state-like trying to see through your car windshield while driving in a monsoon. That feeling doesn't let up until you've quite literally cracked up.

My experience, which happened after months of ignoring red flags, was a combination of stress, undiagnosed disorders wreaking havoc on my everyday life (specifically OCD and PTSD), occasional suicidal ideation, and the smallest of triggers (an argument that quickly went awry). In an instant, my panic inflated from 1 to 100. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't see past my rapid heartbeat. I not only felt like the room was collapsing in on me, but the whole world. This definitive moment-one so burned into my memory that I can recall an internal sound, like the heated sizzle of my short-circuiting brain wires-became the catalyst for why I split in two.

There was the me before this event, and the me after. The in-between no longer existed.

Immediately after, I was numb. I'd been protected by a shell until the shell splintered and disintegrated to nothing. Left to fend for myself (or so I felt at the time), I became catatonic, fueled only by tears and the belief that I could never be okay again. I still remember lying on the floor with my laptop in front of me, desperate to find the help I knew I so desperately needed. But, as I quickly found, mental health care is complicated.

Here are some things I learned throughout this incredibly raw time. I hope this information can help you if you ever find yourself in a similar situation:

1. You have to reach out, even if you don't feel like it.

At the time, I was blessed with an amazing support system at my job. They weren't only my friends or my coworkers, but my family. Even still, I hesitated telling them what had happened to me, for fear of judgment. I was embarrassed by something that I couldn't control.

When I finally sent the emails and texts explaining what I was recovering from, I felt a sense of relief by getting it off my chest and I was greeted with the exact love, support, and encouragement that I should've come to expect from these people. I will forever consider them my saviors for hearing me, seeing me, and reminding me that I am not alone in this world. If you don't have a support system, it's imperative that you talk to someone. Take advantage of counselors through accessible mental health resources. It could mean the difference between coming back from the brink or dropping from that aforementioned cliff.

Your mental health is important too #WorldMentalHealthDay pic.twitter.com/9Y2znMhm5P

- Action for Happiness (@actionhappiness) October 9, 2018

2. The path to recovery may be tedious.

Shortly after my breakdown, as I lay on the floor with my laptop while my husband desperately tried to understand, I searched for help. And I searched. And I searched. And I searched. Turns out, when you factor in insurance barriers, the fact that you are not feeling suicidal in that exact moment, and a doctor's track record for successful treatment, finding good health care is more difficult than it sounds. Most of the professionals who I wanted to see were completely booked with appointments that had already been set months in advance. and had room for emergencies only. I wasn't a threat to myself-just more dazed and lost than usual-and I told myself that those spots should be reserved for someone in far darker places than I felt at the time. But I still needed help.

Days later, I called a help line and an inpatient facility, and the reality of it all terrified me into hanging up. I believed I could figure it out on my own-however wrong that idea was. But I forced myself to keep searching for treatment because my life and emotional well-being was at stake. I am so glad I did, because I eventually found the right, available doctors for me.

No matter how much work it is, you have to keep searching.

Leanne Surfleet/Getty Images

3. Go to the appointments and do the work, even when it gets exhausting.

At the beginning of my treatment, I went through three forms of therapy. I'm a believer in going big or going home, and this was the most important thing I've ever needed to go big for. One therapist specialized in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), where I learned tools for grounding myself in the present moment. CBT challenged me to stop grieving my past and to stop looking into the future so I could breathe in the present. I'm not going to lie; it's hard. I failed (still fail) often. It takes practice, and sometimes, I don't feel mentally fit to go through the motions. But when done properly, it works for me.

My second therapist helped me work through childhood traumas that were the long-standing cause of my breakdown. These sessions were emotionally draining and I often left exhausted after cleansing myself of all that plagued me. Seeing this therapist meant facing my demons head on. It was the most difficult thing I've ever done and, to be honest, I stopped going after my grandmother died. As my therapist herself warned, my grandma was the glue holding a lot of me together. Without her in my life, I didn't feel strong enough to continue such intensive therapy. That's what's so hard about these disorders: They lie, convincing you that you aren't strong enough. I know I am now.

The third form of therapy was group grief counseling to address my deepest wound-the loss of my biological father to cancer. As I sat, listening to others share their stories of loss, I began to understand that I truly wasn't alone. On some level, we all understand pain.

KatarzynaBialasiewicz/Getty Images

4. Practice continual self-care.

As the mother of two children with multiple jobs and to-do lists, I'm never not busy. That takes a toll. After the incident, I took a hard look at all I'd done to take care of myself despite whatever life demanded of me-a kind of inventory. Turns out, I'm the last person that I care for, often shorting myself in the event that someone else needs something first. I wasn't doing myself or my emotional health any favors by trying to please everyone all the time, holding my frustrations inside, and blaming myself for every upsetting moment in the history of life.

Today, we are highlighting the millions of strong and brave individuals who live with mental illness. Remember, your journey is worth sharing. #MIAW pic.twitter.com/DtIrFfcOME

- NAMI (@NAMICommunicate) October 9, 2018

5. Accept that caring for your mental health is an ongoing, imperfect journey.

Three years ago, I didn't know how to forgive myself for things beyond my control. I didn't know how to move on from my past or how to admit I'm a flawed human who sometimes needs more than she's willing to ask for (if she'll even ask at all). I still suffer from my disorders and I still have to work to manage them. But now, when all starts feeling lost again, I don't ignore the warning signs. I take precautionary measures like seeking support and health care, pouring myself into something that makes me happy, practicing self-care, and most of all, being patient with myself.

Mental health isn't a destination; it's a journey you'll be on for the rest of your life.

One bad day doesn't ruin them all. You will mess up. You will still cry. You will still battle the same emotions that brought you to your knees in the first place. In the three years since I've accepted my reality, I now understand things I couldn't in my “before.” I'm stronger than I give myself credit for, and if you see pieces of yourself in my story, then let me be the first to say that you are, too.

So, hold on, friend. You are seen.

If you are struggling and need help, call the National Alliance on Mental Illness HelpLine at 1-800-950-NAMI (6264), available Monday through Friday, 10 a.m.–6 p.m., ET. If this is an emergency, you can call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-TALK (8255) or text NAMI's Crisis Line at 741-741.

The post What I've learned about caring for my mental health since having a breakdown appeared first on HelloGiggles.

[fuckyeahslightlyamusing-blog]

What I've learned about caring for my mental health since having a breakdown

What I've learned about caring for my mental health since having a breakdown

October 10th is World Mental Health Day.

You can't tell by looking at me, but three years ago, I had a complete breakdown-or an emotional health crisis. A lot has happened in the time since. I've taken a few steps forward, then twice the amount of steps back. I've been split apart and put back together. But most importantly, I'm still here, still navigating who I've become in the aftermath of something so earth-shattering, and still hoping to be seen.

If you've never witnessed, experienced, or heard of a mental health breakdown, it's an acute manifestation of an already lingering anxiety, depression, or bipolar disorder. The result is an inability to function in everyday life, feelings of hopelessness, and/or a feeling that you will never be “normal” again. It's an isolated state because you've either hidden the warning signs from loved ones, or denied them yourself. Even when managed, my anxiety and depression have me white-knuckling a cliff so as not to drop. If you know what panic feels like, then imagine a breakdown as a heightened version of that state-like trying to see through your car windshield while driving in a monsoon. That feeling doesn't let up until you've quite literally cracked up.

My experience, which happened after months of ignoring red flags, was a combination of stress, undiagnosed disorders wreaking havoc on my everyday life (specifically OCD and PTSD), occasional suicidal ideation, and the smallest of triggers (an argument that quickly went awry). In an instant, my panic inflated from 1 to 100. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't see past my rapid heartbeat. I not only felt like the room was collapsing in on me, but the whole world. This definitive moment-one so burned into my memory that I can recall an internal sound, like the heated sizzle of my short-circuiting brain wires-became the catalyst for why I split in two.

There was the me before this event, and the me after. The in-between no longer existed.

Immediately after, I was numb. I'd been protected by a shell until the shell splintered and disintegrated to nothing. Left to fend for myself (or so I felt at the time), I became catatonic, fueled only by tears and the belief that I could never be okay again. I still remember lying on the floor with my laptop in front of me, desperate to find the help I knew I so desperately needed. But, as I quickly found, mental health care is complicated.

Here are some things I learned throughout this incredibly raw time. I hope this information can help you if you ever find yourself in a similar situation:

1. You have to reach out, even if you don't feel like it.

At the time, I was blessed with an amazing support system at my job. They weren't only my friends or my coworkers, but my family. Even still, I hesitated telling them what had happened to me, for fear of judgment. I was embarrassed by something that I couldn't control.

When I finally sent the emails and texts explaining what I was recovering from, I felt a sense of relief by getting it off my chest and I was greeted with the exact love, support, and encouragement that I should've come to expect from these people. I will forever consider them my saviors for hearing me, seeing me, and reminding me that I am not alone in this world. If you don't have a support system, it's imperative that you talk to someone. Take advantage of counselors through accessible mental health resources. It could mean the difference between coming back from the brink or dropping from that aforementioned cliff.

Your mental health is important too #WorldMentalHealthDay pic.twitter.com/9Y2znMhm5P

- Action for Happiness (@actionhappiness) October 9, 2018

2. The path to recovery may be tedious.

Shortly after my breakdown, as I lay on the floor with my laptop while my husband desperately tried to understand, I searched for help. And I searched. And I searched. And I searched. Turns out, when you factor in insurance barriers, the fact that you are not feeling suicidal in that exact moment, and a doctor's track record for successful treatment, finding good health care is more difficult than it sounds. Most of the professionals who I wanted to see were completely booked with appointments that had already been set months in advance. and had room for emergencies only. I wasn't a threat to myself-just more dazed and lost than usual-and I told myself that those spots should be reserved for someone in far darker places than I felt at the time. But I still needed help.

Days later, I called a help line and an inpatient facility, and the reality of it all terrified me into hanging up. I believed I could figure it out on my own-however wrong that idea was. But I forced myself to keep searching for treatment because my life and emotional well-being was at stake. I am so glad I did, because I eventually found the right, available doctors for me.

No matter how much work it is, you have to keep searching.

Leanne Surfleet/Getty Images

3. Go to the appointments and do the work, even when it gets exhausting.

At the beginning of my treatment, I went through three forms of therapy. I'm a believer in going big or going home, and this was the most important thing I've ever needed to go big for. One therapist specialized in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), where I learned tools for grounding myself in the present moment. CBT challenged me to stop grieving my past and to stop looking into the future so I could breathe in the present. I'm not going to lie; it's hard. I failed (still fail) often. It takes practice, and sometimes, I don't feel mentally fit to go through the motions. But when done properly, it works for me.

My second therapist helped me work through childhood traumas that were the long-standing cause of my breakdown. These sessions were emotionally draining and I often left exhausted after cleansing myself of all that plagued me. Seeing this therapist meant facing my demons head on. It was the most difficult thing I've ever done and, to be honest, I stopped going after my grandmother died. As my therapist herself warned, my grandma was the glue holding a lot of me together. Without her in my life, I didn't feel strong enough to continue such intensive therapy. That's what's so hard about these disorders: They lie, convincing you that you aren't strong enough. I know I am now.

The third form of therapy was group grief counseling to address my deepest wound-the loss of my biological father to cancer. As I sat, listening to others share their stories of loss, I began to understand that I truly wasn't alone. On some level, we all understand pain.

KatarzynaBialasiewicz/Getty Images

4. Practice continual self-care.

As the mother of two children with multiple jobs and to-do lists, I'm never not busy. That takes a toll. After the incident, I took a hard look at all I'd done to take care of myself despite whatever life demanded of me-a kind of inventory. Turns out, I'm the last person that I care for, often shorting myself in the event that someone else needs something first. I wasn't doing myself or my emotional health any favors by trying to please everyone all the time, holding my frustrations inside, and blaming myself for every upsetting moment in the history of life.

Today, we are highlighting the millions of strong and brave individuals who live with mental illness. Remember, your journey is worth sharing. #MIAW pic.twitter.com/DtIrFfcOME

- NAMI (@NAMICommunicate) October 9, 2018

5. Accept that caring for your mental health is an ongoing, imperfect journey.

Three years ago, I didn't know how to forgive myself for things beyond my control. I didn't know how to move on from my past or how to admit I'm a flawed human who sometimes needs more than she's willing to ask for (if she'll even ask at all). I still suffer from my disorders and I still have to work to manage them. But now, when all starts feeling lost again, I don't ignore the warning signs. I take precautionary measures like seeking support and health care, pouring myself into something that makes me happy, practicing self-care, and most of all, being patient with myself.

Mental health isn't a destination; it's a journey you'll be on for the rest of your life.

One bad day doesn't ruin them all. You will mess up. You will still cry. You will still battle the same emotions that brought you to your knees in the first place. In the three years since I've accepted my reality, I now understand things I couldn't in my “before.” I'm stronger than I give myself credit for, and if you see pieces of yourself in my story, then let me be the first to say that you are, too.

So, hold on, friend. You are seen.

If you are struggling and need help, call the National Alliance on Mental Illness HelpLine at 1-800-950-NAMI (6264), available Monday through Friday, 10 a.m.–6 p.m., ET. If this is an emergency, you can call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-TALK (8255) or text NAMI's Crisis Line at 741-741.

The post What I've learned about caring for my mental health since having a breakdown appeared first on HelloGiggles.