#for me kink is an extension of who i am so i understand how the kink can help you discover who you are

[implied-divinity]

im feeling sappy tonight. shoutout to the baby tboys begging to be forcemasced. one day you will become the man you want to be. within the kink its wonderful when another man grabs you by the shoulders and pushes you headfirst in. its wonderful to share in the joy he felt when he started. in reality know youre afraid. it takes guts to let yourself be who you want. dont take your feelings lightly and let yourself explore. you are not alone but its also up to you. take care. much love.

[cypionate60mg]

Does this make me a chaser?

I'm turned on by the idea of having a mlm/bara coded relationship with a woman. I want to see her get turned into a hulking sex-crazed beast and have people think I'm her cute little twink (even if I looked like Dwayne Johnson ppl should think that).

I love scrolling through autoandrophilic content on tumblr even if I know it's not for me, and can't shrug off the feeling that I, as a cishet guy, am being fetishistic towards trans men. But then I see posts about top surgery and all I can think is lying my face on top of a woman's broad, hard and hairy chest and being like "yeah, this feels a lot better," her scars like those of a barbarian warlord. Which I guess is not great, knowing that this is specifically about men who want to be perceived as men.

I've never attempted to be with a trans guy, bc I know that'd be kind of shitty coming from a straight dude (also they might be autogynephilic, and it would be some kind of cosmic joke for me to be playing into forced detrans). But even if I did, whenever I check r/ftm and see posts about dating straight men I can only feel like the reasons why I would are categorically different (not that it wouldn't be problematic for me to do so). Like, these guys are hellbent on feminizing them (many don't even allow them to bind), which besides sounding like they're massive transphobes, it's just impossible for me to see myself doing the same. Even if I saw my partner as a woman, I wouldn't miss out on the chance of having him undergo hrt (all the better, in fact).

I wish there were (straight) women into the same stuff, but at least within my experience, there are none out there. So I guess I just have whatever I can find on tumblr and melonFF's deviantart (and maybe ao3 accounts none of which post frequently), none of which are directed at me, so I just feel unwelcome enjoying them.

I don't usually answer these sorts of anons, as I get quite a few from cisbi and cishet men. But we're starting to see more cis men in the forcemascsphere, including some with their own blogs, and I think this could be a good opportunity to talk about chasers. For everybody's sake.

Based on this message, here's my read on the situation. You're interacting with the kink through a strictly pornographic lens and are subsequently disappointed that it doesn't translate well to sex. Whether you see your hypothetical partner as a man or not doesn't really matter, because you don't even seem to be thinking about them as a human with their own needs and desires. You're following a recipe for objectification, don't be surprised. Like any kink performed between two or more parties, it does require consent and discussion. Especially because it has elements of transformation and force.

It's honestly a little funny to me to see you talk about how uncommon forcemasc is, bellyaching that even the existing porn for it doesn't cater to you. Man, how do you think I feel? And whether somebody is into forcemasc or forcefem, we all deserve to be treated with respect by our partners. Even if playing out our kink results in physical changes beyond the bedroom. So, yeah, of course those guys you're talking about are assholes. But that doesn't really mean anything, because we're talking about you and your desires.

If you are heterosexual, then why are you scrolling r/ftm and musing about the ethics of dating a trans guy? I mean that genuinely. What do you get out of it? I ask because I'd like to believe that you understand that not all trans men are autoandrophiles. Even I don't want to be forcemasced, which people seem to have a difficult time grasping. Once you start thinking of a type of person as synonymous with a fetish, you're in chaser territory.

Remember: pornography can be a useful extension of sex. A tool, an accessory. But if you treat it as a cheap substitute for sex, you will lose sight of the other people involved. Then they'll become nothing more than a means for you to accomplish your own satisfaction. Do you see how that's fundamentally different from viewing one's own body as a means of pleasure?

So yeah, you do sound like a chaser.

[a-little-revolution]

as a disabled leatherman i'd love to know more about little people adapting kink lifestyles and fashion! and as an intersex person, i'm also curious about if there's any intersection between your intimate preferences as an intersex person and your intimate preferences as a little person, or if they impact your approach to sex, intimacy, and safety during sex in wholly unique ways from each other? i'm ace and don't engage in intercourse explicitly, so i do a lot of dirty talking when pleasuring a partner (if they're into that) - if you do like dirty talk, are there common phrases or words that you prefer to avoid during sex, like using "little" as an adjective? this goes for both praise and punishment!

i know how frustrating it is for myself and many other disabled intersex people to either be fetishised or repulsing, but when interacting with people who are genuinely attracted to you but aren't experienced in having sex with little people, do you prefer to talk about things extensively beforehand or take things as they come?

thank you for always being so open!! i love talking about how being intersex and disabled affect peoples' experiences; many of us have to get or take pleasure in getting creative, and i'm always thrilled when kink communities harbour rich, diverse, custom experiences. thanks again! ♡♡

i'd love to know more about little people adapting kink lifestyles and fashion! and as an intersex person, i'm also curious about if there's any intersection between your intimate preferences as an intersex person and your intimate preferences as a little person, or if they impact your approach to sex, intimacy, and safety during sex in wholly unique ways from each other?

Hello! I personally am rather kinky, and I find the kink community and it's fashion to be very accessible! I often have to go online for plus sizes and particular interests, but overall I find it very inclusive, apart from the obvious objectification that I face. I've found kink to be a useful tool to reclaim my own body and even process my trauma!

I am actually not intersex, but I do identify as both transgender and nonbinary. I was assigned female at birth, and have undergone top surgery and hormone therapy (testosterone). My gender expression is very fluid, but leans mostly on the femme side. I for sure feel that my gender identity and disability both equally affect the way I approach and enjoy sex! They both affect the sex positions I choose as well as my personal preferences, and as an inter sectional marginalized person, I am definitely more cautious when choosing sexual partners.

2. if you do like dirty talk, are there common phrases or words that you prefer to avoid during sex, like using "little" as an adjective? this goes for both praise and punishment!

With the right partner, I do enjoy dirty talk, and adjectives like "little" really depend on the dynamic and situation. For the most part I'm not a huge fan of "little" or "small" with sexual partners I haven't built a good rapport with, but with some I can find it reclaiming.

3. when interacting with people who are genuinely attracted to you but aren't experienced in having sex with little people, do you prefer to talk about things extensively beforehand or take things as they come?

Great question! I much prefer to discuss things thoroughly beforehand, to set the standard for my boundaries during the sexual encounter. I see not being able to talk about sex or my disability as a red flag, so this is also a good way to wean people out. It's important to me that my sexual partners understand and embrace my disability, know my physical limitations, and can keep communication open all along the way.

These have been great questions! Thank you so much, and take care!

-Elliot (they/them)

[queen-beefcake-sqx]

Please do your Sanctifying Kim Take!

Perceiving that man through HDB coloured glasses put me off of most fandom depictions of him. Not to mention how absolutely tiny he's depicted when he's of completely average size. (2-3inches shorter than Harry who is above 6ft. Like I get people do be havin size kinks, but that man's not short)

Canon Kim is the most trigger happy cop depicted in the entire game. He shot 6 kids people between working in juvenile detention and processing, is a severely repressed speedfreak with unprocessed grief (still working Dom's cases) and a wild card (not above using Harry's amnesia to manipulate Joyce when he knows him for a couple of hours), who can maybe have 2 Auth over world soggiest superstar but let's be honest don't we all?

He is so petty that he will die in the tribunal if you give away his pen lmao. Like that man is literally two steps above Harry when it comes to being a weird cop, and that's being lovingly understanding. He needs Martinaise just as much as HDB does.

op I am holding your face gently and shaking like a wet chihuahua. you, you get it.

Here’s my thing — as a general theme, I’ve noticed fandom takes seem to lean into the belief that because Harry’s deification of Dora crashed and burned so spectacularly, that (1) deification of Kim would be just as unhealthy and (2) Kim would outright reject that kind of worship.

And like. Okay. I can see how you’d make a case for that, sure. Except as you pointed out Kim is actually really fucking weird, and damaged in his own way, and most importantly — Kim wants to be cool. There’s a purple check that outright states Kim values being perceived as cool FAR MORE than he lets on. I’ve already written a post that mentions how significant it is for Kim that Harry thinks he’s cool, and what I’m gonna say next is an extension of that:

I think, somewhere deep down and repressed, Kim would actually love being deified by someone, and if Harry put in the work to have a healthy relationship with religion, they could actually make that dynamic work.

Long thoughts and explanation under cut:

Alright a little background on me: I was raised Unitarian Universalist and have a history of deifying my lovers. Harry’s anguish over Dora was very heartbreakingly familiar (although I didn’t destroy my life quite as spectacularly), and the way Harry uses inquiry to engage with belief systems (personal, political, scientific, and religious) is VERY Unitarian. One of our precepts is literally the constant and continuous search for truth and meaning in the world, and that’s Harry’s whole MO. So a lot of this is personal experience coloring interpretation.

A few years ago I wrote a piece of meta about why Tian Guan Ci Fu, a novel about a worshiper’s love for a prince turned god, is better treated as a fairy tale instead of a typical character-driven novel. I bring this up because in the meta I set forth that there were three really big themes that the story teaches us about divinity:

Books Two and Four encapsulate Xie Lian’s biggest lesson - that no one person can hope to end all suffering, even a god, and that putting a person on a pedestal places unachievable expectations upon them.

The rest of the books deal with two different but tangential lessons — devotion means seeing the best in people, regardless of their flaws; devotion also means inevitable destruction when you are not valued to the same degree.

I bring this up because, incidentally, these are the EXACT same themes that Disco Elysium deals with in regards to deification and devotion. I firmly believe the rest of the text about Innocences corroborates this, but even just looking at Harry and Dora, these themes are SCREAMINGLY relevant. Harry destroyed himself when Dora, his Innocence and god, left him. Their relationship was never really equal — there was a class difference, the abortion and difference in want for parenthood, the fact she walked out on him at least one before. Harry placed Dora on such a high pedestal that he set her up to fail him when she couldn’t handle Harry’s addiction and deteriorating mental health at a job she encouraged him to pursue.

Because a really important caveat about those themes I didn’t elaborate on — “regardless of flaws” doesn’t mean never acknowledging them. I really think Harry got into his head that Dora could truly do no wrong and found himself increasingly hurt and floundering when she proved just how wrong that was, and instead of acknowledging things they BOTH needed to work on — to do better, to improve, to grow — Harry got angry, resentful, and depressed and Dora got out of there.

And I don’t blame her, nor anybody else who did the same. I don’t blame Jean’s anger with Harry’s carelessness with his life, even if the way he expresses it is actively harmful. But the problem is Harry is a vast, vast soul — he feels things very deeply and extremely. I like fics where he learns to work through it and love a person to a Normal(tm) degree, but there’s a part of me deep down that feels like that is impossible for him. There is vitriol or there is devotion and there is little to nothing in-between for him, and for him a healthy relationship isn’t less devotional/religious as much as it is reconceptualizing what it means to be divine — stealing from my TGCF meta, he needs to remember that deities were human before they were ever his god, and as someone who’s worked as a cop, he should KNOW how messy humans are.

And minus himself, fuck if there isn’t a human messier than Kim Kitsuragi.

I’ve written a bit about Kim’s self-image and the significance of Harry finding him cool before. Kim is honestly a mess. He’s implied to be still struggling with the death of his partner some time in the past, is trigger happy and hates it, and is also implied to be ostracized from his coworkers. Kim does his job because he genuinely thinks it’s one of the only ways he can do good under a military regime that’s got airships ready to attack at a moment’s sign of rebellion. He smokes one cigarette a way to challenge his own volition and give off an air of untouchability because he has to be cool, he has to, he has no power in his life if he doesn’t!

But I genuinely believe that cool is tested at every turn, and I think there’s very few people who see the cool without seeing everything else about him — all the things he’s ashamed of, that make him feel lesser or othered. And Harry sees all those things over time, with a thorough enough run — he learns about “Kimball” and the bad eyesight and his fierce protection of his status as a “true Revacholiere”.

But it’s day one that Harry can call Kim cool. Regardless of flaws you uncover or not, Harry can see Kim as someone to be admired. Because that’s what Harry does with people he likes. And when was the last time anyone called Kim cool and meant it genuinely?

I think it’s noteworthy that Kim tries to stay humble when Harry gets excited about Kim — he downplays himself or pulls Harry out of flights of fancy about the degree of his “coolness”. He reminds Harry that he’s human… even if inwardly he preens at praise and recognition. (I’m too lazy to go through the Fayde viewer right now to back myself up, but just really pay attention to his Empathy checks sometime). Kim keeps Harry from constantly putting him on a pedestal like he did to Dora.

It’s also noteworthy that regardless of what a hot mess you are re: addiction, Kim still respects you as a detective and will defend you to your precinct. Remember that third theme, about relational devotion? Devotion doesn’t work if you’re deifying someone who doesn’t respect you, and thus won’t hold you to the standard of their divinity. There’s a thing in teaching where teachers want to shy away from difficult or disruptive students, thinking we’re accommodating them when in reality we’re not challenging them and are disrespecting their right to learn. Respect also means setting boundaries and trust, and I don’t know how much of either Dora and Harry had by the end.

Kim sets boundaries right off — No, we will not talk about the pissing contest until the field autopsy is done, don’t even try asking again. Yes, I do think now is a bad time for a drink and you should stop being careless with your life. No I will not tell you a secret about myself. Kim isn’t afraid to draw lines in the sand with Harry, because not only does he respect himself, but he wants to see that Harry respects him, too.

And in exchange, Kim displays his respect openly in front of peers — in front of the organization he’s worked to protect his reputation within — to defend Harry. Known drunk, bad-cop-or-cop-with-bad-days, sad sack Harry Du Bois. It’s acknowledgement from the object of his devotion that he’s done good work and can do more, if he keeps putting in the work to get better.

The point is — I don’t think Harry can change how he loves people, I think its just inherent to who he is as a person, but devoting himself to the altar of Kim Kitsuragi might actually work, if only because Kim wants that worship and will hold Harry accountable for not letting it consume them both.

[cazort]

So I support people's right to choose who they do and don't want to be with, but if I'm honest with myself, I'm more than a bit uncomfortable with the whole "t4t" thing and especially uncomfortable with how it often plays out in terms of this idea that people with the same identities as you necessarily understand you best.

I've dated cis people and dated one other nonbinary person, and the nonbinary person and I did not necessarily mesh better than I did with the cis people I dated. My partner now is a cis bi woman, and she seems to understand, validate, and support me in my experience of gender more than anyone else has in the past.

More broadly than just dating, among friends, I don't always think that nonbinary people, other transfem people, or anyone who shares any specific identities with me, "gets" me more than people of different identities. It's always an individual thing, there are trans people who get me and trans people who don't, cis people who get me and cis people who don't, and same for nonbinary people.

I also have seen a lot of people online post about how they were lulled into a false sense of security by rhetoric that said that t4t relationships were "safer" and how they ended up really hurt when they were dating another trans person who ended up acting abusive towards them.

There is also a degree to which the t4t thing feels really fetishizing to me, especially the way I often see it on Tumblr these days. Like the last time I went on a dating site, I was inundated with messages from older men whose profiles listed them as "straight" and were writing things to me like: "I want to suck cock" and "I love men who dress like women" and stuff like that. I hated it.

And like when I see some of the things some transfem people here on Tumblr are posting in some of the tags I browse, honestly it's a lot of the same crap. A lot of people are really into degradation/humiliation kinks, and push sexually-explicit fantasies involving these sorts of kinks into broad, general tags that I browse when I am not looking for sexual content, and of course they don't use the community labels, so I'm looking for content related to trans and nonbinary people, and transfem people specifically, and instead of finding supportive content, I find all this content fetishizing us. I hate it. It's disrespectful to put that sort of content in a place where people will see it without us consenting to it. If you have a kink involving being fetishized and/or fetishizing other trans people, great, I will respect that and defend you against anyone who tries to kinkshame you. But I don't want you to put your sexually-explicit, degrading, fetishizing content somewhere where it will be seen out-of-context by people who did not consent to participate in it.

So like if you're posting in tags like #t4t nsft then that's great, that's kinda what that tag is for, especially if you also use the community labels and/or also tag stuff with tags like degradation when your post includes it so people who don't want to see it can use an extension to block or filter the tag. But don't thrust explicit content, like raw sexual fantasies about your degradation kink and fetishization of transfem people into general tags like #transfem without using community labels, especially if you don't tag it in any way that makes it easy to avoid without blocking all transfem content.

So yeah, I think this about sums up my discomfort with the whole t4t trend:

(1) bad behavior depends on the behavior itself, not your identity

(2) t4t relationships are not necessarily "safer" than relationships with cis people, and pushing the idea that they are can leave trans people vulnerable to hurt

(3) if you are a trans person who fetishizes other trans people and/or wants to be fetishized, then great and i support you in your kink and will defend you against kinkshaming. but keep your fantasies and explicit content involving that fetish in relevant places, either in private DM's, or if you post it publicly, use the appropriate tags and do not put it in out of broader, general tags without using community labels, so that we trans people who may have trauma about fetishization aren't forced to wade through tons of it to use a tag that we've been using for years for support and positivity.

[idleorbitals]

OF ep 2 watch through ...part 2

(part 1)

sand he was inviting both of you *so* explicitly what is your move here. sand will complain repeatedly about this into the next scene but no one asked him to cancel his date. baby is in denial

side note ray enjoying begging sand so much?? side note also this is how we find out ray blacked out and sand left him their last night together? ouch

ohhhkay the extensive flirting in the car. "one night stand boy, huh?" sand patently enjoying himself /so/ much but whining the whole way. they are both in trouble and neither of them know it yet but sand is going to find out really soon and ray is not going to find out until they both are in much more trouble

top has trauma-induced insomnia and he's serious enough about it to make this face. I'm still proud of mew for checking if he was trying to pull one on him and then being kind about it when it seemed like he wasn't

alright tho didn't we just establish that your much comfier bed is right over there? mew no one did this to you but yourself

I like these mockumentary cutscenes more than I thought I would. mew silently smirking as he checks off boxes is doing heavy narrative lifting and I'm into it

the foreboding music the lighting the lingering on the photo of ray and mew boston what are you planning?? is he about to become a real antagonist? can't decide how I feel about this

ray is sort of into sand insulting him? is this because he doesn't have the power to hurt him yet or masochistic kink

...ray baby no. you're gonna be Learning

sand brings up the /who are you, my dad?/ except this time it's /who am I, your dad?/ convo again and ray makes this face:

alright

alright

oh here we. fokking go

sand going "what am I supposed to be, your hooker" and ray saying "sure" and sand doing soft surprised pikachu for like ten seconds. ray doubling down and sand telling him to save it. instead of saying "I don't sleep with people for money" he says "I sleep with people I like for free" and we send silent thanks to screenwriters who understand the sex industry and have the cultural vocabulary to write compelling nuanced and still quippy conversations about sex. not to be heterophobic but queer people make better tv

anyway sandray are both playing a game and they both keep getting surprised to be one-upped. this is a very enjoyable dynamic to watch and they seem to be enjoying it too

...for now

at minute 8:30 sand's last vocal sound leaves his mouth. for thirty full seconds ray smokes and asks him leading flirty questions including "am I interesting enough for you?" and "are you open to someone like me?" and for thirty full seconds sand looks from rays right eye to his left eye and back again and lowers and raises his jaw infinitesimally and just generally:

this boy is done for and I can't even be mean about it I'm right there with him

anyway at shortly after minute 9 they break the tension and kiss each other. they kiss each other! ray is the one leaning around from his cigarette to do khaotung's little smoke plume of high art but sand is very much matching him in coming in for this kiss. I love this framing so much. firstkhao have the absolutely ideal dynamic to pull this off*

*if anyone saw that one person copy pasting SANDRAYYYY SWITCHHH into the live comment box the entire end credits that wasn't me but I was there with them in spirit

they break away and sand says if they go further they won't just be friends and ray says some kinds of friendship start from sex you watched the same thing I watched I don't need to describe it but here I am. do you remember though that this was the look ray was giving sand while he said that because ho boy

sand pronouncing that ray is going to keep wanting him but they're going to stay just friends right after he says we won't be just friends after this...what level to tackle this on. narratively this definitely feels like foreshadowing and I think he's right on the money on the first bit. but we know that sand is not going to get out of this remotely unscathed whether or not it could possibly be argued that he hasn't already lost that battle. sand showing his hand by contradicting himself out loud as well as internally?

they stub out their cigarettes Significantly and start making out again. can't coherently screencap this scene. it's so excellently done. top notch dynamic again. firstkhao are getting better at this with every go.

ok I do have one minor gripe

for some reason in the middle of sand pushing ray back onto the couch they have inserted a shot of ray on top of sand. it is from the beat that comes after the last little mockumentary cutscene—it's not a double, it's the exact same shot, just colored differently. screenshots below from 10:11 and 11:02

editing mistake? intentional insert to lengthen the scene? I like this shot too but it breaks up the flow of the scene oddly and I want it gone from the first part

mockumentary cutscene: even harder to focus on when I know what's coming back on screen right after but worth mention. obviously sand is reflecting on some past mistakes here. he knows he's playing with fire and he's denying it vocally and also not changing his behavior. self-awareness level relatable honestly. do we think he fell in love with someone he didn't want to? or fell in love freely and then got screwed over? why is he mr. one night stand boy

also don't know whether to credit ray or khaotung for this longest gayest look ever at his own pants. sublime

okay back to the couch for our not-quite-ten-second final indulgence. ray's on top this time. I don't even like sex scenes that much I know what I am saying

I see, like sand's, my words are not matching my actions. and yet

*trembling* sandray.... switch....

all ofts watch throughs

[perdvivly]

Hi, I'm Viv. You may know me from such blogs as 'Ontologicalidiot' or 'Perdviv' or 'Perdecum'. But I'm not at any of those places anymore, I'm here now, and I'm sad.

I have a degree in Philosophy and a Masters in Logic and Philosophy of Mathematics and about half another Masters in Computer Science. My academic interests run along these lines.

My interests in philosophy tend to skew analytic but not exclusively so. I'm interested in logic, both classical and non-classical but particularly higher-ordered logic and paraconsistent logic. I'm also interested in the foundations of mathematics. One thing I haven't studied much but am currently meaning to get around to are extant neo-logicist programs. I typically assume logicism epistemologically dead at t=1931, but this is clearly not the case and I'd like to know what's going on there.

I'm interested in consciousness. Both hard and soft problems.

I studied axiomatic set theory at university but I never learned forcing, which I would like to do at some point in my life. I would also like to study category theory. I also want to learn more about homology and cohomology. And I'd like a working (read: quantitative) understanding of general relativity too.

As for less-academic interests:

I enjoy sports-ball! I'm the one who does that. I enjoy and am relatively good at athletics. In particular I really like swimming, climbing (boudlering), Brazillian jiujistu, and wrestling.

I am a board games lesbian (this is stolen valour, i'm not a lesbian, i'm very bisexual (but you understand that Boardgames-Lesbian is the type of guy I am)). I really like: Dominion, Catan, Articulate (poetry for neanderthals), Betrayal at House on the Hill, Codenames, Nomic, and Chess. I will very happily play anyone at chess whenever works for them! Always looking for more chess friends.

I really enjoy the arts. I especially enjoy and actively want to get better at: drawing, music, and poetry. In particular, I'm trying to work on portraiture and figure drawing--I'd like to one day get into oil painting but I am very intimidated by the amount of work I need to put in before this becomes viable for me. I used to play the drums when I was younger, I'd like to pick that up again. Percussion holds a place in my heart but I'm also compelled by piano and violin. I like music theory but Schoenberg took it too far (This is a goof (I'm also very goofic)).

I enjoy and may sometimes post about sex. I think talking about fetish and kink in an open dialogue is helpful for me to feel less isolated with respect to some of my desires. Though, better than talking is action.

I try to be as open as feels safe and comfortable, but I am also a deeply neurologically pathological person. I try my best to extend grace to others and this feels poignant to me because I know how often I need it too.

Also! At the start of 2023 I decided that I would start reading from scratch again. I made a new goodreads account and I told myself that I wouldn't add any books I'd read before 2023. I've found this pretty easy to keep to, though it's also a marvel how much I was able to read before. My time feels limited in ways I don't understand and that don't leave much room for extensive reading these days. Anyway, it's here if you want to check it out and add me as a friend :)

[objectcrushsuggestions]

This isn't really much of a crush suggestion as it is asking for a second opinion if my attraction "counts" as object sexuality. Basically, I am attracted to flesh/body parts. Like, not when they're attached to a person, but seeing them as their own individual entities. I tend to gravitate towards hands, and I get especially attached to characters like Thing from the Addams family and Master Hand from Smash Bros.

I'm sorry if it sounds strange, I just feel the way I experience attraction overlaps with the objectum community and its tough trying to understand my feelings.

Hello ! (Sorry this took a while we didn't answer asks for a bit!!)

Anyways thank you for sending this ask!! Some headmates in our system have similar experiences to what you just described.

Some of this response is edited from a kind of idk rambling about ideas I had about this when we initially got your ask bc its kind of hard to piece together my ideas on this.

Ive literally had the same experience and idk what to call this. Im considering proposing the term 'partum' (from 'body part') like. Idk how to explain this as not just as a kink or adjacent thing to people but. Attraction to an body part itself on its own maybe also in a conceptum way too

or organs also

For me its like the concept of. How in cartoons body parts are separate and moving and not associated w a character??

bc its not exactly attraction to a person it's only to a body part. Maybe objectum-adjacent but extension of things like cheirophilia with the example of hands but as an orientation (like how objectum is like if objectophilia as an orientation !!)

But I maybe see this as similar to like attraction to mannequins or maybe plants as.

I also feel like its pretty common for ppl to think about body parts on their own w no real idea of thinking of someone as attached to them in hypothetical scenarios about attraction so. Idk maybe a label would be useful for this in my opinion

Some objectum people experience object sentience (posic+) so if you percieve body parts as having sentience of their own then posic+ may also apply to you

Although Master Hand is a sentient character lots of objectums are attracted to / attached to object-like characters too as well as fictional objects (and of course some like some of our systems headmates are also attracted to people and not just objects). This could sometimes also fit into the ficto- spectrum (Which again to me also includes ppl who are also into real life ppl.bc labels don't need to be so strict imo and I don't like the gatekeeping some people do about labels)

Also I do think it does not really fit societal norms to be attracted to body parts on their own not just bc theyre attached to a person, which I find similar to how objectum and objectophilia are viewed by society.

Also I think if you feel the objectum label fits you you're welcome to use it and be part of the objectum community! ! We definitely consider your experiences to feel objectum to us but its not really for us (or anyone else) to decide whether someone else "counts" as objectum because that can easily go towards ppl gatekeeping the label from ppl who find it useful imo.

Sorry if this was a disjointed or not-cohesive answer I wasn't really sure what I was saying at some points and I feel like some of it I just didn't get into words

We have anon asks off currently but as this was one we got before we switched off anons we answered it!!

[starrbar]

Ships and kinks don't actually reveal how deeply one can enjoy or appreciate a story

I noticed that lately I have this small paranoia in my head that goes kind of like this: "I just experienced an amazing, deep, or wholesome thing. If I start shipping or sexualizing the characters this soon, that will make it look like I never cared about the story or characters or nuances or lessons etc. It'll be like I was only looking for wank material and never appreciated the truly great stuff about it."

And that's not true. It's never true in my case. And though I don't condemn people who may genuinely only care about the ships of a particular media they like, I personally DO care about the whole packages and I analyze media extensively, so I really don't want people to think that of me.

I haven't seen a lot of claims of specifically this, but I have seen sort of adjacent claims about proshippers. Usually goes something like, "It's really Concerning™ that proshippers can't recognize red flags of a predator / don't understand sibling love", as if their ships indicate the ultimate limit of their capacity to comprehend anything. And that's just ungodly wrong. It's almost awkward to see comments like that because it's so bizarrely illogical.

I remember one time, I had expressed the opinion that one of my favorite stories, while it did not contain any plots about incest or pedophilia, was so well-written that it would have handled those topics with grace and care if it had decided to include them. And someone accused me of "PURELY seeing it as sexual and getting off to it" as if I hadn't literally centered my comment on the capabilities of the writers, and had even said that I preferred the relationship as it is in canon. Nowhere in my comment had I even mentioned finding the ship hot or wanting it to be canon. I demonstrated that I was able to appreciate the canon material while shipping a problematic non-canon ship on the side, and people still chose not to see that.

And it's actually one of the most frustrating experiences I've ever had with antis. If someone makes a shit claim to start the conversation, it's annoying, sure. But if someone purposely ignores or rewrites what I JUST SAID in order to make a shit claim, that makes my blood boil tenfold.

Couple example stories for me are Omori and Arcane, two very deep, meaningful stories with some very wholesome scenes too... which also happen to have problematic fanon ships that I enjoy exploring both for analysis reasons AND for horny reasons.

And I've seen people get genuine backlash for enjoying the wholesome side of a story purely for sfw E-rated reasons while also enjoying a creepy ship in a completely different space, in a completely different context. Or even just not caring if other people enjoy those things. "How dare you draw a child while being a proshipper!? You must be a creep!" a la this incident.

And now that I think about it, one reason someone may only see me horny-posting about something is because frankly those types of posts are easier to finish writing than a full essay about my intricate feelings about a plot. But then I find it embarrassing that I frequently fail to publish those essays because they would at least serve as proof that there's more to my enjoyment than just "sibling ship hawt".

Another reason is that I do manage to get those essay thoughts out, but unfiltered and ungrammar'd, to my friends. In servers or in DMs. Where I can express myself frantically and unpolished and still be fully understood. And if I say something that could be taken badly, I can just explain myself further instead of risking a sea of harassment BEFORE I have the chance to clarify something weird I said while jittering in my seat and flailing in excitement. With published essays about complex topics, I have to be VERY CAREFUL with my wording and quadruple-billion-check my posts, because I am aware that the internet gets enraged if you mention a thing and then don't give 20 disclaimers about every other possible interpretation of that thing.

Anyways.

Regardless of my probably unnecessary paranoia, I still recognize that everyone has a different reason for enjoying something. Everyone gets something different out of a positive experience. And it's not my job to judge and dictate which reasons are good and allowed and respectable. If something brings you joy, who am I to take that away from you?

Regardless if you enjoyed a show because of its plot or because of its "plot", there's nothing wrong about it. There's nothing gross or insulting about the way you enjoy things.

Keep being you and doing things you love!

[bumbleyikes]

Mr. Anastasio,

Whether or not you believe it, digital rape exists. It is referring to unwanted, unconsenting contact to the genital area by fingers.

I say that because back in 2017, you raped me. I am unable to easily make up lies, and this is not something I would ever lie about.

In 2017, you came back to Tennessee after I had begged and begged you all of 2016 to not come back, as you are stubborn and do not take no for an answer.

You sexually assaulted me in April 2015 on your last day here, the first time we had met. You assumed that because we were engaged, it meant you could freely do whatever to me. All I ever gave consent to was kissing.

It took me a year to understand that sexual assault was the term for what you had done. During that year, I had self harmed in very dangerous ways because I did not care about my life as long as it meant I was in a relationship with you.

From November to December of 2016, I had begged many times to break up or for you to not come here, as I knew my body was trying to tell me something very bad would happen. You refused to listen to me and insisted that had you stayed home, your money, time worked to afford to come back, and everything surrounding that would go to waste.

I was terrified of you, yet I knew I had no choice but to let you come back. I knew I was not safe, as the relationship had become abusive.

When you arrived here, you were extremely rude to my family who are an extension of myself and I do not take that lightly. You treated my little sister like she was a spoiled brat, said she needed to be told "no" more often.

Funny how you should say that, as the same could've been said about you- example being you refusing to listen when I repeatedly begged you to never come back.

One of the days we stayed in my mom's Trailblazer at her work, you and I argued over whose fault 2015, the sexual assault, was. You cried alligator tears, begged me to forgive you. I said I did, because I was afraid of you.

In reality, I have never forgiven you and never will.

You acted as if my family, which would have been your family as well had we stayed together, were strangers, or not even human. You knew how important my papaw was to me, yet you blocked me with your body in the doorway from going back inside hours before he died and you refused to move. My mom would not have been late to work or it would not have mattered by a minute or two, but you wanted control.

I refused to talk to you the rest of the morning. Around ten o'clock, my mom came running to the car, and we found out my papaw had died. I blame you for the grief. I understand his death was not your fault but the intensity of the grief was no one's fault but your own.

From that day to the day you physically left Tennessee, every bit of love I had left for you was gone. I saw you as the worst person I have ever known.

Those next two weeks, you were jealous of my family's cats as I preferred to spend more time around them than you, as they had never hurt me in a way I could never forget.

You were jealous. It was so bad that you knew I was in the middle of grief yet you told me to go with you to my room.

I followed you because I knew I was no longer safe but I fawned and did whatever I needed to to survive.

During the fawning, I came to realize you thought sex was a good idea, a distraction, something you and only you wanted. I never said yes, I never gave consent, in the way an enthusiastic sexual partner- your girlfriend- would.

You wanted me to call you "Daddy", as you have a daddy dom / little girl kink. Because I had to fawn, I had to survive, I did anything and everything you wanted. I got physically close to you. I let your hand go down my underwear and felt your fingers struggle to fit inside my vulva.

I laid there, called you "Daddy", probably moaned involuntarily and begged you to continue. I knew I was in a very dangerous position and that I had no other option. I did whatever I had to do to survive.

Never once was any type of sex wanted with you. In 2015, I laid on the hotel bed trapped as you bit down and sucked on my nipples, chest bare, as I stared up at the ceiling, making involuntary sexual sounds.

In 2017, I laid on my own bed, in my own room, as you shoved your fingers inside me, involuntary sexual sounds and a climax happened that no one except you wanted.

I do not lie about things that happen to me. I did not call the cops or even tell my mom when I should have, because I was afraid you would hurt if not kill me for existing as transgender and wanting to never see you again.

I wrote the break up letter, the "Dear John" letter, because I knew to breakup in person would be dangerous and that you would cry alligator tears again.

We broke up officially May 9th, 2017 but I was mentally broken up with you since April 8th, 2016.

I do not care one single fuck about you and I know karma will get you. The world would have been a much better place if you never existed, and my life would have been a good life had I never met you.

You do not deserve pity, love, compassion, or anything good. You deserve everything you did to me to be done to you but worse.

I will never get the past 8 years of my life back. I deal with PTSD and a body that craves the pressure of your body on it, because while it remembers the feeling, it does not understand that the context is disgusting.

I do not want you to have a good life. You do not get, you are not allowed, to dictate when my anger is supposed to be gone or how long I continue to tell people, warn people, about the type of poor excuse of a person you are.

You think that whenever you get engaged or married, all of a sudden consent doesn't exist, that you should be able to have sex any time you want it, no matter what your partner says.

I do not wish you a good life. I hope you get the worst and sure, I will leave your "family" and friends alone, but I will never stop warning people about you and how you really are.

My only regret is that I hadn't had something to defend myself with in 2015 and 2017.

My only wish is that you never get to move on from what you did to me- I hope it haunts you the rest of your life, the same way your existence haunted me.

You will never be human to me. You were right when you called yourself a monster.

Goodbye.

- Lyle Victor-Adesso Johnson

[nirvanawrites111]

Supreme King Taemin x Black Reader

Title: Supreme King

Pairing: Taemin x Black Reader

Genre: Smut, no plot 

Warnings: daddy kink, smut, strong language, unprotected sex, handcuffs, male receiving oral

Word Count: 2,047

"On your knees," Taemin's throaty moan erupts and echoes against your cheek. His hand decorated and adorned in the most expensive silver rings wraps around your neck. His touch coupled with his smooth honeyed voice sends a warm feeling throughout your body to places that ONLY Lee Taemin has access to roam. 

You could easily feel his pinned-up aggression. You didn’t like the way that he starved you from sharing intimate experiences. 

Every comeback he took a vow of celibacy. He explained how it helped with the creative process. 

Which it did and it paid off and led to masterful bops, eye-catching visuals, and melodic energy that always captivated his audience and die-hard stans in a way that no other solo artist could do in his industry. 

That very channeled and deliberate sexual energy gave his fans his raw, ruthless, and imperfectly perfect music that his fans couldn’t help but stream endlessly. Some fans were too wrapped up in his music that they weren’t streaming to hit numbers, but they played his music nonstop because of the art he created. 

You were excited for the release date of his comeback, Advice.

May 18th. 

You anxiously counted down the days that you could be with him again and dabble in his sex playground. 

You felt good knowing that since his mini-album officially dropped, you could finally dabble in his sex playground. This is where you got to fully experience the one thing you were obsessed with. 

His duality.

Many people weren’t attracted to feminine energy within a man. In fact, your family always gave you hell about why you were so in love with a man who openly wore make-up, hair extensions, painted nails, and pushed gender boundaries. 

This is why you kept your distance from your family. Because they didn’t understand the real you. They get that was the part of him that drew you in even closer. You loved all of those things about him, and really didn’t give a fuck what others thought. 

Taemin pushed gender norms and standards and still remained true to himself. That’s what you loved about Lee Taemin. Your boyfriend, who is your amazing lover. He’s caring, thoughtful, loving, and remembers every single detail about you. That level of attention you never experienced with anyone that you dated prior. 

While he’s all of those things outside of the bedroom, you love how he can easily switch to dominant you. You have your moments were you enjoy taking charge in the bedroom, but he’s the only one that you’ve felt truly comfortable assuming that role. 

Just like that without hesitation, you obediently fall to your knees to show admiration and submission to your black and silver hair lover. You look up into your lover’s gaze and admire the dark hues of gray smeared across his eyelids. It gives his lustful eyes more meaning. It had been two months since you last felt his seductive touch against your brown skin. 

You only had a little window in between SHINee’s last comeback preparation and his solo. So, you wanted to make this time count. You were ready to give into your own lustful desires. Truth be told, you practiced complete abstinence to show your loyal devotion to him and his craft. Because you knew it would be worth it to wait for your sweet lover. 

“You’re so anxious, baby,” Taemin lifts your chin a little higher, and strokes your hair gently. You wanted him to touch in other places, but you will have to wait for that. Despite, your body calling out for release.

“I am.. I’ve missed you so much,” you manage to say, with his hand still wrapped around your throat. 

“I can feel your energy and I know you want me,” Taemin nearly taunts you. His eyes trail down your naked body and explore every curve on your body. He’s always complimented how he loves the way your body looks. Always giving you the praise that you so desperately craved. 

 Hell, you were here in the middle of the night in his playroom. He had just got home around 2 a.m. for his last schedule. 

“I always do. I’ve even maintained complete abstinence for you.” Which was the truth and you would never do that for anyone else. 

“Such a good girl,” Taemin leans forward to kiss you. You close your eyes to enjoy the sweetness of his lips against yours. A wave of bliss runs through your body when your lips touch his. 

“Thank you, daddy,” you whispered against his mouth and gently pulled away. You want to run your fingers through his hair, but you were bonded by your favorite pair of glitter handcuffs with his initials carved into them. 

Taemin leans up and tower over you. Your eyes sparkle over the fact that he’s sporting a noticeable hard-on that needs to be freed. 

“You want to show me how much you missed me?” He asked. 

“May, I taste you?” You politely ask. 

"Of course,” he replies. He releases your throat. You groan a little because you love his grip that he keeps on you. 

You are slightly jealous that you are not the one that gets to run your hand along his body. Your eyes observe him and he pull down his white sweatpants. 

They fall to the floor into a puddle and your eyes zoom back up to see his supreme underwear grip his crotch so perfectly. 

You gasped in awe of how good he looks. You run your tongue against your top lip and you bit your bottom lip. 

“Touch me,” he commands you. You lift your hands and rub them against the fabric. You didn’t want to continue to play these games with him. You want to taste him. You pull down his underwear. You were struggling a bit, but you could hear him giggle. 

“Struggling much?” He chuckles.

“Nah, I got it,” you say. You are too prideful to ask for help, but you manage to get them down to his ankles. He kicks the underwear off. 

Now, you stare at his beautiful manhood. You don’t hesitate to lovingly stroke his him, and listen to his moans that you sparked. 

The sounds of moans differ in pitch. You love how they are like music to your ears and you want to turn it up a notch. They are so soft and cute. But, you want to make him moan and groan. You want to hear your name slip from his lips. 

Your hands drop down back down and you prop yourself up on your knees. You carefully flick your tongue over the head a few times and you watch him. You change it up each time to find what he needs in this moment. 

Your gaze travels back up to his face to see him enjoying the experience. His beautiful brown eyes focuses on you, and he grabs a hand ful of your braids. The look of desire on his face and the way he’s biting that juicy bottom lip that you love to suck on. 

“Mmm.. baby. You’re teasing me. Y/N, don’t be shy. Suck it,” Taemin gave you his approval, and you wrap your mouth around him. Just like that you cover him and your further give your lover the pleasure he craves. You twist your handcuff wrists so you can touch yourself. 

Your mouth moves fast and you suck his faster than before. Your finger slips into your entrance and it’s wetter than you release. But, the fact that you were on knees for him and handcuffed. That made you soaking wet. 

"I didn't give you permission to touch yourself," Taemin's voice deeps, and it causes you to jump a little.

"Sorry, baby," you said, but your attention is fully focused on sucking his dick. You watch him throw his head back, and his beautiful moans escape from  his mouth again. 

This was the art that you love to create with him. These are the sounds you crave to hear. You secretly want to record it to have for your own personal enjoyment during your one-on-one time session. 

You swirl your tongue around him while you slurp him fast. One thing about you is you aren't shy when it comes to sucking dick. You could tell by the subtle way his body is jolting that he's close to his release. 

There's nothing more gratifying than watching his orgasm travel through his body, and he spills his seed into your oh-so-talented mouth.

“Fuck, Y/N,” he whimpers, and you know that’s all you need to hear. He might be your Dom, but you truly have the power within three of his favorite places to hide. 

You both watch each other as he pumps into your mouth and a simple smirk appears on your face. The eye contact between you is too strong, and that just gave you the motivation to finish him off.

You hit him with the deep throat move, and watch him curse over and over again. That's it you had him right where you want, and you hear the words that remind you that he belongs to you. 

"Fuck, I'm cumming, bae," Taemin nearly yells, and explodes in your mouth. You swallow his load, and continue to suck him until he pushes you off. He pulls you off the floor, and slips his tongue into your mouth to give you a hungry kiss.

You are in heat now because you get off on pleasing him. You can feel your own juices slip down your inner thigh. He turns you around and pushes you over the side of the bed. 

“I need to be inside of you,” he said. He slaps your ass and you spread your legs. “May I?” He asked. He’s always been about consent first. 

You are already soaking wet for him, and you need him inside of you, too. You don’t want to wait another minute. 

Hell, you couldn't afford to wait another minute for him to spread you open. You arched your back, and felt him kiss on the side of your neck. He left a trail of kisses all the way to the middle of your back.

"Fuck me..please," you cry out, and you shook your ass to taunt and entice him. You were surprise that Taemin didn't throw his usual comebacks at you. Instead, he shoves his dickinside of you and gives you exactly what you waited months for. 

The feeling of being one with him again feels too good. You sigh of relief to be in this position with him again. You missed being his vulnerable for him. 

No one ever could have you be this submissive for them, except Taemin. You are madly in love with him, and would do anything for him. 

Your bodies found the perfect rhythm, orchestrating a heavenly symphony that only you two could create. You belong to him, and he belongs to you. There isn't anyone in this universe that could take your body to the heights that Taemin can.

"You belong to me," Taemin's hungry groans bounced off your brown skin, and that alone can make you come.Your love language is words of affirmations so this means something to you. . 

"Yasss," you cry out. 

Taemin slows down, and gives you the deep passionate strokes that you crave so much. Once he slows down, you could hear the beautiful mess you two created from being together. Sounds easily arouse you, and you love hearing how wet he makes you.

You throw your ass back confidently to receive these bomb-ass back shots that your lover is giving you. You felt yourself coming undone. Your body needs that release because it has been two months since you last felt it. 

"I'm close, bae," you moan. Your face is buried onto the spread of the bed. Your words seem to spark a deeper fire in him, because he starts to pound your pussy harder.  

Quickly, both of your bodies erupts into bliss, and you come hard on his dick. Not to mention, he releases inside of you. Your body feels like it’s on another level. 

Another mind blowing experience with your lover. 

"Damn, I missed this," you said.

"Me too, let's go again," Taemin said, still inside of you. 

[queerlymasculine]

how kink is a healing experience for me as someone who experienced chronic childhood trauma, or why kink slaps imo (ymmv):

DISCLAIMER: none of this would be possible without extensive therapy prior to the beginning of this relationship as well as ongoing therapy. it is irresponsible to participate in kink without advanced communication skills and without the ability to adequately protect yourself. I am also only able to have a healing experience because I chose a partner based on compatibility and shared values, which I knew existed only after significant interaction and evaluating hir behavior with a critical eye, and because ze is intelligent enough to understand the impact of trauma and knows how to curate a space where ze takes care of me by encouraging and maximizing my agency.

TLDR this kind of shit doesn't happen magically. it doesn't fall into your lap. it's not an accident. good kink experiences are only the result of intentional, mature choices. don't be a dumbass. if you're not sure if you're ready, you're probably not.

anyway, onto the list:

unconditional love

my partner has clear, consistent, and articulated boundaries, so there is no guesswork

I have clear and consistent boundaries that are respected without question

nothing bad happens and no feelings are hurt if boundaries change unexpectedly or over time

clear and direct communication. if I ever want to know why ze wants to do something for me or I ever want to know anything, I can ask without fear of being punished by the silent treatment or anger. Also, I am free to communicate my needs without fear of judgment. I can communicate that I don't know what my needs are and that I would like help figuring out what I need or that I need time to figure out what I need.

no punishment. we don't even play with that language. I never experience negative consequences for any reason.

constant praise, and if I need more, I can ask for it and I will get it

taking care of myself - self care, expressing needs, needing to stop, asking for help, etc - is worthy of recognition and praise

the goal is pleasure, regardless of form, and my pleasure brings my partner pleasure and vice versa.

no enduring unpleasant experiences. we only do things that we are both equally into.

no need to earn good things. love, affection, attention, praise, and pleasure are readily accessible.

no emotion or reaction is bad, and negative emotions don't come with negative consequences.

someone is actively invested in my happiness and well-being and pleasure and will do things to give me happiness and pleasure

sex is not a prerequisite or necessary component of playing. I can still experience the relief and release of submission when I don't want sex in the mix, and I'm never made to feel like our non-sexual scenes are somehow less meaningful or less intense than our sexual ones. I am never made to feel like I'm withholding something or diminishing the quality of our dynamic or interactions.

there are never opportunities for failure. my neurological disease means I don't currently have a dependable amount of energy per day. some days I need to be in bed all day. other days, I can run errands and be social. and there is always a possibility that my level of functioning can be suddenly and drastically reduced out of nowhere. a checklist of daily tasks to complete or anything similar and along the same lines would be a recipe for diaster. it would incentivize me to ignore my body and my pain in favor of receiving the praise that would come with completing everything. I would associate my physical well-being with feelings of failure and disappointment, which would strengthen the beliefs that were produced by trauma that my body is something to actively hate or intentionally ignore.

my partner has created a dynamic and space where disobedience is a non-concept. I love being obedient and I love it when ze praises me for being obedient, and with hir, my obedience is a state of being. obedience is not something I can or just achieve. it's something I am. putting my physical and emotional well-being and comfort first is obedience. focusing on work is obedience. being kind to myself is obedience.

ability to freely show affection

I don't have to walk on eggshells to protect my partner's ego or sense of identity as a dominant.

I don't have to know everything or solve all my problems by myself. I can ask hir for a type of one-off dominance that will help me achieve a certain task or item on my to-do list, like asking hir to choose my clothes. I can also ask hir to help me decompress from my day, and ze can give me stretches I can do, if my body will tolerate it, or will suggest I wear my gag. but I'm also under no obligation to try any of them if none of them sound right.

I could literally go on forever lol

[lavenderbexlatte]

holding you like this

stray kids  13.4k words female reader insert Reader x DILF!Hwang Hyunjin  EXPLICIT/NSFW

🖤 warnings: original characters (adult f and child f), single father, unhealthy family dynamics, relationship insecurity, oral sex (f receiving), vaginal sex, creampie, breeding/impregnation kink 🖤

🚨🚨 the unhealthy family dynamic warning applies to hyunjin and his parents, NOT hyunjin and his child! there are elements of emotional manipulation and emotional neglect of an adult child by his parents. please don’t read if you would find this content triggering!

connect with me! / masterlist

You prepare yourself for a lot of social what-ifs when you go to the grocery store, but a three-year-old almost taking you out with a headbutt to the knee isn’t usually one of them.

On this particular day, you’re standing in the coffee aisle, scanning the rows of beans, trying to pick between a new roast for your French press, or a new flavor for the automatic drip. You’re not having an easy time of it, either. They all look the same to you. And really, is a French vanilla that different from a caramel swirl? Why are some of these so expensive? They’re all just beans, aren’t they?

The coffee dilemma is taking up all of your conscious focus, so you don’t even hear the tiny footsteps clicking against the industrial tile floor. You don’t see the head of bouncing dark hair, barreling toward you. You don’t notice anything until a tiny body slams right into your leg, and little arms wrap around your knees.

You look down in shock, rocking back to steady yourself so that you don’t topple right over. Your phone nearly slips out of your hand, right onto the head of the very small human peering up at you with big round eyes.

It’s a little girl.

She has glitter extensions and a floor-brushing gown, looking royal and in control right down to the tiny Mary Janes on her feet. She doesn’t look confused or perturbed at all, not even bothered by clinging to a stranger like this. Well, that makes one of you.

“Hello,” the little girl says, her voice high but confident. “What’s your name?”

You tell her, and she nods wisely, in a way that looks incredibly bizarre for someone so young.

“Okay. I’m Minnie,” she says.

“Minnie,” your repeat.

The girl nods, her arms still clamped around your knees. “Like the mouse.”

She points at one of the barrettes clipped into her meticulously styled hair. It’s a flat metal cameo pin of Minnie Mouse, smudged with tiny fingerprints as if she touches it often.

“Cool,” you say awkwardly.

You reach down and gently unwind her arm from around you, freeing yourself, and you kneel down so that you’re at her height. She just looks directly at you, and you can feel the judgmental intelligence behind her gaze. It’s kind of scary.

“I’m three and three-quarters,” she tells you proudly.

“Where’s your grown up?” you ask her.

You don’t really think you’d be much help to this child. You certainly don’t want to have to be responsible for her for too long. Where are her parents, or whoever she came here with?

“My grown up?” she mulls it over, “You mean Daddy. He’s lookin’ at juice.”

“Why aren’t you with him?” you ask.

“Ran away,” she shrugs, “If I run, Daddy chases me.”

“Do you think Daddy likes chasing you?” you ask.

You immediately curse yourself inwardly for asking a preschooler a half-sarcastic question like that. You don’t know this kid from Eden, you can’t just mouth off at her. But Minnie is sharp, and she just smiles at you winningly.

“I dunno. Prob’ly not,” she shrugs again, and you marvel at the big attitude in this small person.

“What if he’s worried about you?”

“Then he should find me,” she answers.

And with that, the kid sits down cross-legged on top of your feet, settling her gown neatly around herself. You’re floored. Apparently, you’ve become the shade tree that this kid is gonna sit under until her poor father finds her. Are all little kids this weird?

You’re not sure what to do. If you move, if you take her and go searching, you could spend all day missing her father at every turn. That means you should probably just stay here and wait for her dad to come to you. At least this way you know the kid’s safe and not running around to meet strangers more dangerous than you.

You get back to your coffee dilemma, as Minnie just sits primly on your feet. It’s not like you could walk away without dislodging her, anyway. And as you pick out a package of coarse-ground beans for your French press, you hear it.

“Minnie!”

An exasperated voice, from the end of the aisle. You turn toward the sound, and the person that you see takes your breath away.

It’s a man, tall and slim, long legs in wide-legged denim. His hair is shoulder-length and blonde, the top half of it held back in a small ponytail at the crown of his head. His face is equal parts angry and relieved, dark thick brows furrowing. The guy is incredibly, distractingly beautiful. You kind of can’t believe it.

“Daddy,” Minnie pipes up, as if confirming it to you.

She leans back against your shins like you’re her personal throne. You look down at her, and then back up at the man as he approaches, dragging a half-full shopping cart behind him.

“I am so sorry,” the man is saying, “She has a mind of her own and sometimes-”

“I made a friend!” Minnie interrupts her father.

The man leans down and scoops his daughter off your feet, plunking her into the basket of his shopping cart.

“You’re in jail, princess,” he tells her curtly.

“I’ll get out,” she replies.

You’re sure that your jaw is actually hanging open several inches as the man turns back to you to continue his rambling apology.

“I really am sorry, um…” he pauses.

“(Y/N),” you fill in for him.

“Right. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be,” you dismiss, “She just wanted to talk. And I wanted to make sure she didn’t get lost. More lost.”

The man grins at you sheepishly. “I’m Hyunjin, by the way.”

“Nice to meet you,” you say.

“I like her,” Minnie calls from her shopping-cart jail cell, “She’s funny.”

“That’s a high honor,” Hyunjin tells you soberly.

“I’m glad to finally hear that someone thinks I’m funny,” you say.

Hyunjin laughs. He has a nice laugh, sharper and shriller than you would have thought, but full and honest. He looks just like Minnie when he smiles. You’re thoroughly charmed.

“Well,” you say, tugging yourself back to reality, “I have some more shopping to do, so…”

“We’re friends now!” Minnie announces.

Hyunjin glances at his daughter. “You two are friends now?”

“Yes!” the girl insists.

Hyunjin returns his gaze to you. “I guess you’re friends now. Any chance you’re up to see us again sometime?”

“See you again?” you repeat, nonplussed.

“Just for coffee, maybe. A playdate?” Hyunjin’s grin is teasing.

“Doesn’t she have other friends?” you ask, “Friends who are more…three years old?”

“Oh, sure. but Min is an equal-opportunity befriender,” Hyunjin says, “She likes everyone.”

You really don’t know what to make of this precocious little girl who’s just declared you her new friend and her very indulgent but admittedly very attractive father. You might consider that he was hitting on you, except that he’s clearly just bending to the will of his very willful child, and that he’s way, way, way out of your league.

“Sure,” you say, finally.

“Cool.”

Hyunjin pulls out his phone and offers it to you with the keypad open. You enter your number and call yourself, and you save each other’s data into your phones. ‘Hyunjin (Minnie’s Dad)’ goes in as your newest contact.

“We’ll text you to make plans!” Hyunjin promises, as he wheels his cart away.

“See you later!” Minnie calls.

She waves furiously at you until the two of them round the corner to the left, toward the checkout counters. You’re left standing there with your package of coffee and butterflies in your stomach.

Just like that, you have a new friend.

---------------

When you do eventually get a text from the number saved as ‘Hyunjin (Minnie’s Dad),’ it’s abundantly clear which of the two is doing the texting.

‘hello!!!!!!’ ‘yo u have to wear’ ‘princess dress!!!!!’

It’s a Thursday afternoon, and you’re at work, sat at your desk overlooking the production floor. Your lunch is just about to end, the boys in assembly below are already getting back to it, and you need to make this quick before your next meeting.

Hyunjin must have helped with the spelling, but that is definitely a message direct from Minnie. You’re debating how exactly to respond to this message, when a call comes in, instead. You answer it.

“Hello?”

“Hi!” The voice on the other end is unmistakable.

“Hi, Minnie,” you say patiently.

“Did you get my text?”

“Of course,” you answer.

“Good. Wear your princess dress,” she says decisively. “Talk to Daddy now.”

The phone clatters loudly like it’s been dropped right on the floor, and you hear a shout in the background. You wince at the noise, but keep the phone pressed to your ear until Hyunjin’s voice replaces his daughter’s.

“Hey, sorry,” he says, “She decided that PJ Masks are more important than this phone call that she DEMANDED I make to invite you for coffee on Saturday.”  

“Coffee, huh?” you repeat.

“Yeah, if that’s okay,” Hyunjin says.

You can hear real hesitation in his voice, and you’re quick to reassure him, “No, no, I think it’s cute. It’s okay.”

“She just never takes to strangers this fast,” Hyunjin explains, and you can’t quite fathom why that piece of knowledge makes your stomach swoop. “I wanna encourage her to see the world as kind of…safe and fun, y’know? Is that stupid? Like, she shouldn’t just run around with strangers, but she shouldn’t be afraid of the world, either.”

“That makes sense,” you assure him.

“We had a talk about it, I think she understands the difference.”

He’s kind of rambling at you. You wonder how often Hyunjin gets a chance to talk parenting with someone.

“No, really, I understand,” you say, “I’d love to do coffee.”

“Great,” he says, “You can meet us at this café…I’ll send you the address. It’s called Mama Dining.”

You’ve never heard of it, but you trust Minnie’s taste. Hyunjin, you can’t say for sure. But you trust that little girl with more blind conviction than is probably necessary.

“Okay, see you then,” you say.

“Cool.” You can hear Hyunjin’s smile in his voice. “Bye, (Y/N).”

“Bye!” comes Minnie’s voice, far away but loud, and you know that she must be screaming as loud as she can.

You laugh, and you hang up.

--------------- Mama Dining is a small glass-front piece of realty across from a folk medicine shop and underneath a square brick apartment building, a few metro stops away from the area where you live. It’s so stuffed full of potted plants and flowers in vases that there’s barely any surface area for anything else, but it’s clean and bright inside. The tables are mismatched with their chairs, and the whole place smells like coffee and sharp herbs and fresh bread.

It’s homey, that’s the word for it. Cozy, and homey.

You’d taken your pint-sized new friend’s advice to the letter, busting out one of the nice dresses that you save for special occasions. The last time you wore it was to a coworker’s wedding; it’s light and floaty and floral, a long floor-length skirt over a tighter inner slip. It’s the closest thing you have to a princess dress. But it’ll have to do.

You check your reflection in the glass as you pull the door open, bells tinkling above your head. As soon as you step into the café, a little voice shrieks at you.

“YES!”

Minnie is sitting at a table in the corner, in a different gown, her hair in an elaborate braided style, half-up and half-down. She’s looking at you with the utmost approval, and even though she’s a three-year-old, you still feel proud that you’re passing her test.

“A princess dress,” she says, satisfied.

“I tried my best,” you say.

You give a silly little spin on the spot, so that your skirt stands out for her, and behind you, someone laughs. You freeze, cheeks heating up.

“You look nice.”

It’s Hyunjin, because of course it is. You turn around to see him in casual jeans and a long sleeve tee, an apron tied around his waist. His hair is pulled back again, off his face. He’s gorgeous. But it kind of looks like…

“Do you work here?” you ask.

Hyunjin nods. “Easiest place to meet up is here, while I’m on shift. Hope that’s okay.”

“It’s fine,” you assure him.

“I’ll get you a coffee,” he says, “What do you like?”

You tell him your regular order, and he heads to the espresso machine to start it up.

“Oh,” he calls, over the sound of the grinder, “And if Judy comes in while you’re here, I’m sorry in advance.”

Judy? Your stomach does an awkward flip at the idea of him inviting you here if he has a girlfriend, or a wife. You don’t think you’ve seen a wedding ring on him, but…

Oh, well. Nothing you can do, at this point. You’re here for the kid, anyway, aren’t you?

You go over to the table where Minnie has set up camp, propped in a booster seat to reach the tabletop. She has a coloring book and a pack of glitter crayons in front of her, and you pull up the second chair to join her. Minnie stares at you for second, her cute upturned eyes so much like her father’s, and then she opens up her coloring book, flipping the pages as carefully as she can.

When she finds what she wants, she sets the book down and rips the page out. It’s a picture of a teacup and saucer on a table, with a pitcher of flowers behind it.

“This is yours,” she says, with the utmost seriousness.

“Okay,” you say, matching her tone, “Can I use your crayons? I didn’t bring mine.”

You kind of expect a kid as serious and assertive as her to be careful about her possessions, but Minnie just upends the crayon box onto the table.

“Yep,” she says.

She grabs a lilac color and dives right into her own coloring page: a dressing table covered in cosmetics and trinkets. You select a red crayon from the pile and join her, filling in the delicate pattern on your teacup.

You can’t explain why it doesn’t feel like babysitting, but it doesn’t. It feels more like…coexisting. Like this preschooler really is just happy to have your company.

What a weird kid.

Hyunjin comes over after a moment with your coffee. The café is empty aside from you three, so he sits down at the table with you, placing the cup with your drink down beside the precarious pile of crayons.

“Daddy can’t color,” the kid tells you.

“Really?” you ask, looking up at Hyunjin wryly.

Hyunjin raises his hands as if in defeat, “My talents lie in performing arts, not studio arts. Unlike this renaissance child, who can do it all.”

It’s obvious that Hyunjin adores his daughter. You can see it in his eyes as he watches her scrub her crayons across the picture, in the way he talks about her. You’re not around kids a lot, but you can tell that this little girl has a lot of love in her life. That’s probably why she’s so bold; outgoing, kind, and well-adjusted kids are usually well-loved kids.

You smile to yourself as you keep coloring, switching the red for a grey. And after a while, you’re aware of Hyunjin’s watching gaze focused not on his daughter, but on you.

Embarrassed by the attention, you look up and meet his eye. He’s just watching you, with a lopsided smile that shows all of his teeth and crinkly smiling eyes that emphasize the little mole under his bottom eyelid on one side.

“What?” you ask.

He gives himself a little shake.

“Sorry,” he says.

It seems like all he does is apologize to you when he’s done nothing wrong at all.

“I was just thinking, it’s really sweet that you’re here,” he admits.

“Sweet?” you ask.

He tilts his head. “Yeah. How many people do you know who would come across town just to hang out with a little kid?”

You take a sip of the coffee. It’s perfect. Maybe the best you’ve ever had. Is he even real?

“Well, she’s like the coolest person I’ve ever met,” you say, “Regardless of age.”

“Yeah, she is,” Hyunjin says fondly.

“I’m cool,” Minnie agrees.

The doors of the café open softly, and you and Hyunjin turn around simultaneously to see a young couple, maybe college students, seating themselves and talking softly. Hyunjin excuses himself to go help them, and you let out a breath that you didn’t know you were holding.

What are you even doing here?

Did you agree to come on this very strange playdate because you were so taken by a strange child that you felt the need to keep a promise you made to her? Or, on some level, did you just want to see Hyunjin again? Neither answer is particularly good. Or sane.

“You and Daddy can be friends, too.”

Your head snaps up when you realize you’d being addressed, and you regard Minnie. “What?”

“You and Daddy can be friends. You’re my friend, but Daddy, too.”

You hum, as if you’re really puzzling it over, when in reality you’re about to collapse from the embarrassment of this child inadvertently setting you up with her dad. Or maybe advertently. You have no idea how smart she actually is.

“How does it look?” you ask instead, holding up your drawing.

Minnie puts down her crayon and scrutinizes your picture as if she’s a museum collections pro scouting for art.

“Do pink flowers,” she says eventually, and she returns to her own drawing with the same intensity.

“Good idea,” you say.

You pick out a rosy pink color and try to will all your nerves about Hyunjin away. He’s just a new friend. The father of you new littlest friend. You can’t make this weird just because he’s good-looking. Hyunjin himself has vanished into the back kitchen, tucked away to prepare something. You can hear a stove going, cutlery clattering.

The café door opens again as you’re idly listening to the sounds of the kitchen. This time, it’s a middle-aged woman with a long black ponytail and a practical, motherly outfit. She greets the young couple cheerfully, and then she sets her eyes on you.

“My Min!” the lady coos, and Minnie looks up from her drawing.

“Hi. I’m coloring.”

“I can see that,” the lady says, coming up closer to lean on the table next to your casually, “And who is this?”

“(Y/N),” Minnie answers.

“I see.”

The woman is smiling, but her eyes are regarding you coolly, as if she’s sizing you up. You just offer her a nervous smile, unsure who this is or why she knows the kid.

Hyunjin emerges from the kitchen then, timing perfect, a plate holding a large grilled sandwich in hand.

“Oh, hey, Judy,” he says, on his way past to give the couple their lunch.

Judy? This is the Judy that he mentioned earlier? Not to be ageist, you think, but she seems too old to be Hyunjin’s partner. But romantic relationship or not, you can understand why he apologized on her behalf; she’s already giving you incredibly intense vibes.

“(Y/N)’s picture goes on the wall with mine, okay, Judy?” Minnie says suddenly.

“Sounds like a plan,” Judy agrees, “Now, is someone going to tell me who this young lady is?”

Moving very quickly and pretending that he’s not, Hyunjin rejoins the three of you over in your corner, setting a comforting hand on Judy’s shoulder. You can’t help but wonder if he’s doing it as a means of subtly holding her back.

“Min made friends with her at the store the other day after one of her famous mad dashes,” Hyunjin says. “And we figured the polite thing to do after that would be to invite her for a cup of coffee.”

“I see,” Judy says.

Her face softens at Hyunjin’s words, even though she’s still looking you over quizzically, like she can’t decide how to feel about you being there.

“Well, welcome,” she says, finally, “I’m Judy. This is my café.”

She extends her hand to shake, and you take it. Her hand is slim and pretty, heavy with a few jeweled rings and slightly roughened on the fingertips from hard work.

“She takes care of us,” Minnie pipes up.

“I try to,” Judy agrees. “They need all the help they can get.”

“I resent that!” Hyunjin says.

“But really, I just use this pretty face to attract customers,” Judy continues, waving a hand at Hyunjin.

He squawks his outrage, and you can’t help the smile that creeps over your face.

“The teens see this face and they come right in. It’s like magic,” Judy says, as if she’s being purposefully oblivious to how much she’s embarrassing him.

“Well, it’s nice to meet you,” you say.

And you mean it, too. Hyunjin obviously has an unconventional support system going on, with this woman who he introduced by her first name and not by her relation to him. It leads you to believe they’re not blood-related or anything. It doesn’t really matter, though. She seems nice, if not a little protective.  

“Nice to meet you, too,” Judy says, with such heavy finality that you feel as though you’ve just cleared a hurdle.

And from the way Hyunjin’s whole body perks up at her words, maybe you have. Why do you get the feeling that this was the equivalent of a meeting-the-parents moment?

As quickly as the atmosphere had heightened, it settles back to the lazy calm it was before. Judy pats Minnie’s head fondly and disappears into the back of the café, not to reappear. Hyunjin returns to his work, and you take back up the task of neatly filling in the coloring page, careful not to upstage your tiny host and her not-quite-developed motor skills.

It’s a slow afternoon.

The young couple eats their lunch across the room, adding only a quiet hum of activity to your surroundings. Minnie tells you stories while you work, regaling you with the deep inner workings of preschooler life.

“Their names are Sage and Ginger!” she’s saying happily.

You haven’t been listening closely enough, clearly, because you’re stumped. “Whose names?”

“The babies!”

“What babies?”

“From Blue’s Clues & You,” she huffs.

Oh. You vaguely remember the original Blue’s Clues show, but you can’t say you know exactly what she’s talking about. Is she talking about…the sentient salt and pepper shakers? Do they have babies? Why do they have babies?!

“That’s cool,” you say, with level enthusiasm.

Minnie looks at you flatly, but accepts your words with a nod. “They’re cute. So little!”

It goes on like that, bits of kids’ programming trivia and input on your crayon color choices. The couple leaves, and you can see Hyunjin zeroing back in on you as he lets them out with a wave and a call to come back soon.

“How’s it going?” he asks.

You pick up your drawing, for him to see. You’ve been finished with it for a while now (it’s a children’s coloring book, so it’s not all that intricate) but you don’t want to appear unengaged, so you’ve been going over your lines and blurring out the crayon marks. His eyes crinkle up with joy at the sight of it.

“Done!” Minnie announces.

She brandishes her own drawing, too, and Hyunjin beams at the two of you with equal pride.

“Can I put these up?” he asks.

“Together,” says Minnie.

“You got it.”

He takes both rough-edged pages and whisks them away to the counter. Behind the register, on an expanse of wall, there’s a collection of doodles and coloring pages that you hadn’t noticed when you walked in. They must all be Minnie’s; the bold coloring strokes are all the same, her heavy hand immortalized in wax and marker and glitter pen.

Hyunjin tacks up the pictures side by side on the wall.

It’s the tiniest gesture in the world, really. You can’t even count how many scraps of paper, how many school notebooks and work memos that you’ve scribbled on over the course of your life. You’ve colored kids’ menus at restaurants, done detailed adult coloring books at mixers. Somehow, this one ragged coloring page tacked to the wall of a café seems like a turning point in your life.

You wonder when you got so sentimental. It’s silly, but it’s there; warm happiness in your chest.

When Minnie begins to wilt, saying in not so many words that she’s getting tired, you know that your playdate time is coming to an end. It’s only been an hour and a half, maybe two, but that’s an awful long time to keep such a young kid occupied on one activity. You’re proud of yourself, honestly.

“She’ll go down for a nap soon, before dinner,” Hyunjin tells you softly, “You can head out if you want. I don’t wanna monopolize your day.”

“I think I will,” you agree.

It’s been a nice time, but you’re not one to overstay your welcome.

You say goodbye to Minnie, who insists on giving you another crushing full-body hug, and you make it all the way to the door before you realize Hyunjin is following you.

“What are you doing?” you ask.

“Walking you out,” he replies.

“I’m just going to my subway stop.”

“Then let me walk you to it,” he says.

You struggle to hold back your smile at his easy grace. “Okay, sure.”

The two of you set out into the afternoon, side by side, for the short walk from this inner part of the neighborhood to the metro stop that will take you back home. The breeze tugs at your skirt and ruffles Hyunjin’s apron, and you can’t help but sneak sidelong peeks at him as you walk.

“I hope Judy didn’t scare you too much,” he says.

“She’s intense. But I can tell that it’s out of love,” you reply.

He laughs at that, and you continue your slow meander down the unlined streets.

“She’s like an adoptive mom to me,” Hyunjin tells you. “I’m lucky to have her.”

“Oh,” you say, curious but knowing that you shouldn’t ask.

The two of you walk a while longer in your quiet bubble, but eventually, Hyunjin sighs.

“I don’t talk to my parents,” he says, “It’s not that crazy. Just how it is.”

“You don’t have to tell me more if you don’t want, I understand.”

“And now I’m oversharing. Sorry,” he winces.

You shake your head, “It’s not a bother, I just won’t pry.”

Hyunjin considers this, and nods. “It’s just me and Min, so Judy’s been a livesaver. Mom and auntie and grandma all in one.”

Just him and Min, which means no wife and no serious girlfriend. That makes you feel a bit better. You’d hate to get in the way of a serious relationship, even indirectly. Minnie is a nice kid, and you like her, but you’re not her nanny or her babysitter or anything. You’d hate to be that kind of person, shoving yourself into a family where you have no business being.

“But…I wanted to know…would you wanna hang out again?” Hyunjin asks.

You laugh gently. “For Min? I’d walk into traffic. Yes, I’ll hang out again.”

“Not with Min,” Hyunjin says, voice soft and hesitant. “With me.”

The word that falls out of your mouth before you can stop it is, “Why?”

Hyunjin snorts, and then breaks out laughing, harder than you’ve ever heard him laugh.

“Because I think you’re cool?” he says eventually. “You’re cute and you like my kid, which is more than I can say about ninety percent of the people I meet.”

This was not part of the plan. Not that you had a plan, but come on. You were here to hang out with a super weird toddler, to entertain a precocious little girl because it’s cute and fun, not to be asked out by her dad. Her gorgeous dad, who’s so out of your league that it makes your head spin.

You spare a thought to wonder if he’s playing a prank on you.

“Unless…” Hyunjin draws away from you (when did he get so close?), “Unless you’re already seeing someone? God, I didn’t even think – I’m sorry, I just-”

“No, you cut in quickly, “No, I’m not-”

“Am I being weird? I’m being weird,” he laughs, and he almost sounds…nervous?

“You’re not being weird,” you assure him, “You just surprised me. I didn’t think…” 

“Then you’ll go out with me?” he asks.

“Yeah,” you say, surprising yourself, “Yeah. I will.”

Hyunjin’s smile is the fucking sun coming up. It warms you right down to your toes.  

“I’ll call you,” he promises, “I’ll call and we can make plans.”

“Okay,” you agree.

The dimly-glowing sign marking the subway entrance looms ahead, and Hyunjin falls back, as you approach the down escalator.

“I’ll call you!” he says, again.

You wave as you go down the escalator, and once he’s out of sight, you practically melt. You have no idea why life is throwing you this curveball, but you’re not complaining.

---------------

True to form, it’s Minnie who calls you some days later. Not Hyunjin, the adult who presumably has control over the phone and has to dial the call. No, it’s the toddler whose voice filters over the line, the toddler who is undeniably and ultimately in control of her father’s whole world.

“Hi, (Y/N)!”

“Are you supposed to be making calls?” you tease.

“It’s okay, I have a mission,” she tells you.

“A secret mission?”

“Maybe…” Minnie’s voice pulls away from the phone, and you can hear her shout, “Daddy! Is it a secret mission?!”

Hyunjin’s voice calls something in reply, and then Minnie returns.

“Yeah, a secret mission,” she says.

“What’s your mission?”

“We gotta know, do you like Japan food or Italy food better?”

“Hmmm,” you think out loud, “I think I just like food.”

“Me too,” Minnie agrees, “I just like food.”

There’s another shout from Hyunjin that you can’t make out.

“Daddy says it’s gonna be a s’prise, then,” Minnie reports.

“Surprises are fun,” you say.

“It’s okay?” she asks.

“It’s okay,” you confirm.

“Okay! I gotta go. Talk to you later!”

Minnie hangs up, and you burst out laughing so hard that tears pool at the corners of your eyes. She manages to make it sound like she has a high-powered meeting that you’re keeping her from. How does she hide all of that thirty-five-year-old boss energy in her cute little self?

But more important than the absurd circumstance of the call is the outcome. You’re going on a real date. With Hyunjin. You try to pretend that a whole swarm of butterflies haven’t hatched in your gut.

You have a date with Hyunjin.

---------------

The date goes well.

It goes incredibly well, in fact. If you thought Hyunjin was pretty and charming when he was in more domestic setting, with his kid and at his job, that was nothing compared to fully-focused-grownup Hyunjin on a date.

He dresses well, he’s funny and he’s gentle, he nearly cries because the dish you order to share is too spicy for him. He’s got all the puppylike charm of the young man that he is, and this underlying tired seriousness of the doting single father that he is.

You argue with him until he lets you split the bill for the meal, and he gives you a gentle kiss on the lips when he leaves you at your subway stop. It’s like a fairytale.

So you go out again, and again, and again, still. Sometimes it’s barbeque in your neighborhood, at an outdoor restaurant with great side dishes handmade by the older couple who own the place. Sometimes it’s just coffee and a long chat at a 24-hour café. You haven’t been to his home, yet, and he hasn’t been to yours, but it’s refreshing to just take things slowly with him, when the rest of life moves so fast.

Underneath the fun of being with Hyunjin, though, is the doubt.

Everything you see makes you more and more certain that he’s not a real person. He’s a dating sim come to life. He’s so good-looking that teenage girls stop to whisper and giggle about him, and passing aunties give him bold compliments. Dogs like him, service staff like him, little kids like him. And you understand it; you like him tremendously.

You’re not entirely sure why he likes you, though. Compared to him, you’re kind of reserved, kind of plain. It’s not that you don’t like yourself, but you’re a cottage to Hyunjin’s skyscraper, a woodwick candle to his disco ball. Just different realms entirely.

It doesn’t matter, you suppose, because regardless of his motivation or your understanding, you’re spending more and more time with Hyunjin, and Minnie.

You learn that it’s Hyunjin who does her hair every day, creating looks with pins and braids and tiny ponytails. He grew out his own hair to the length it is now to practice on, he tells you one day. You learn that Minnie only likes crunchy vegetables, raw carrots and the stems of lettuce, and that she can inexplicably eat much spicier food that her father can.

You’re comfortable being part of the mundane. But Hyunjin seems to have different aspirations for the two of you, in your casual and fluid relationship, still without titles or formalities.

“I want to take you somewhere nice.”

You glance up from your laptop, blinking to get the fuzziness out of your vision at you look at Hyunjin where he leans over the prep counter. It’s a weekend, but you have a pile of leftover work to get through before Monday, so you’ve set up camp at the café for the afternoon. Hyunjin is on shift, and he’s been slinging you snacks and coffees between customers. It’s been just the two of you, work obligations notwithstanding, and it’s been…domestic.

“This isn’t nice enough?” you quip.

“You know what I mean,” he rolls his eyes, “Like a real date.”

“Oh, so now you’re saying the first half dozen dates weren’t real?”

Hyunjin sticks out his thick lower lip in a pout. “What happened to the shy awkward person I met at the store? Bring her back, please, this (Y/N) is mean to me!”

You laugh. “Where did you want to go?”

“There’s this place I haven’t been to in years. It’s really nice, my aunt used to take us back when family outings were more my thing,” he says.

“Sounds okay,” you decide.

“You’d have to dress up,” he warns, “Like, for real. I’ll have to dig out a suit.”

“That’s fine.”

You turn your attention back to your laptop, trying to hide your flustered face at the idea of Hyunjin cleaning up extra nice for you, Hyunjin in a fitted suit and shined shoes. He might notice it anyway, though, if the smile that lights up his face as he turns back to the kitchen is any hint.

---------------

It’s decided that Hyunjin will pick you up from work and drive the two of you to your first fancy date. So that morning, you hitched a ride with a coworker so as not to strand your car at the office overnight, carrying your change of clothes in a bag. The downside of that was having to explain to your coworker what necessitated the change, and your team quickly found out that you have a date. The teasing hasn’t stopped all day, good-natured ribbing all during your shift, about stoic, shy supervisor (Y/N) going on a hot date with a mystery man.

You stand in front of the full-length mirror in your office’s nice bathroom, the one reserved for visitors who can’t pee with the staff. The one with potpourri on the counters and immaculate tile floors. You’ve gone for a menswear look yourself, wide-legged slacks and a silky blouse, and heels. Hyunjin’s already seen you in a nice dress, you figure, and besides, clinging to the businesswear that you already don at work gives you just a bit more nerve.

Somehow, a date at a nice restaurant that holds some sentimental value for him is more serious than anything you’ve ever done, more intimate than splitting cakes at the café and watching Minnie force the other kids to take turns on the slide at the playground.

You adjust your French tuck just a bit, make sure that your necklace hangs neatly, and deem yourself as good as you’re gonna get. You walk out of the bathroom, bag now holding your work clothes tucked under your arm, only to see a whole group of your production team boys waiting for you.

The company where you work is a decently large tech manufacturing plant, and as a production manager, you oversee a team of techs and assembly workers who tend to be on the younger side, and much more often are young men close to your age. They’re all nice boys who you’re quite close to, but they’ve already been on your case all day. Several of them are right here in the hall, now, ready to make fun of you the way that annoying little brothers are meant to do.

“Jeez, (Y/N), out for blood,” says Taehyun, his silica filter mask hanging off one ear.

“Don’t be gross,” you say, rolling your eyes.

“It’s true, you’re really going all out for this date, huh?” adds Jeongin.

“Quit it before I vom and then report you all to HR,” you say.

“Oh, come on,” says Taehyun, “I’ve worked for you for like two years and I’ve never seen you have fun on purpose before.”

“That can’t be true,” you argue, walking toward the front of the building with your little line of assembly-boy ducklings following behind.

“On your birthday, you asked us to get you a firm handshake and a new set of pages for your planner,” Jeongin deadpans.

“You’re Ron Swanson with tits,” Jaemin says.

“Charming,” you glance at him, and he shrugs.

“It’s true.”

Car headlights shine in the picture windows that span the front of your building, and you can make out a small red car sitting in the visitor’s parking right by the door.

“Please don’t embarrass me,” you implore the boys, as you haul open the heavy glass door to let yourself out.

“We would never do that,” Jeongin says, defensive.

“Maybe we should talk to your date, though,” Jaemin suggests, “Rough him up a little.”

“Yeah, please don’t ever do that,” you say, “I’m leaving now.”

The driver’s side window is rolled down, and you can see Hyunjin leaning out, waving to you. You walk around to the passenger’s side of the car as fast as you can, giving your stupid underlings as little time as possible to ruin things.

You slide into the seat and slam the door behind you right as you hear one of the boys yell, “GET HER HOME SAFE. BY TEN.”

“Oh my God, go, drive away,” you groan.

“Who are they?” Hyunjin asks, amused, as he backs out of the parking spot.

“They work for me,” you say. “They wanna intimidate you, I don’t want to talk about it.”

“They must really like you,” he says.

“No, they just really like being annoying.”

Hyunjin laughs, glancing at you as he maneuvers onto the main road.

“You look really great,” he says, sounding a little bit shy.

“Thanks.”

“The restaurant isn’t far,” Hyunjin says, “But I wanted to look cool and drive you.”

“I already think you’re cool,” you tease.

“Well if you’d told me that before, we could have called a cab,” he says.

“Nah, I wanted to see your car,” you say, turning around in your seat to get a full view of the interior, “Big pink carseat and all.”

“Min’s constantly telling me to just get a pink car to match,” Hyunjin says, “I don’t know if I could pull that off, though.”

“With your good looks and princess hair? I think you could.”

“Good to know. Next car, pink,” he says.

Hyunjin wasn’t lying about the restaurant being close by, because the whole drive is less than fifteen minutes. You’ve barely relaxed when he pulls up to the street parking outside a modest building with a pretty marquee and rough brick siding.

“This is it?” you ask, peeking out at the building.

“Yep.”

You scrutinize the restaurant as two of you get out of the car, and you can tell instantly that it’s an upscale place. Everything from the valet in front to the fabric of the curtains reeks of steaks that cost a paycheck and truffles in every possible dish. You’re kind of excited for it.

The maître-d greets you warmly, and brings you to a table against the window, with a view into a small back garden full of lanterns and lit trellises. The table itself is a delicate wooden thing, with full-course silverware and origami napkins. Candles dance on the tabletop, a single red rose in a vase brightening the whites and silvers of it all.

Hyunjin must know a thing or two about romance, because you’re properly wowed. It’s so stereotypically wonderful, it makes for a great sixth-or-seventh date. You’ve known him long enough that you know he’s not trying to blindly impress you, but just to treat you.

You wonder what kind of family he has, that they would bring him to a place like this as a kid or a teenager.

When the waitress, a pretty young woman in server’s blacks, comes over, the two of you order from the set menu and argue only a little about what dishes to taste and what wine to have.

“They’re barely Brussels sprouts,” you’re saying, “They’re covered in oil and bacon and shit.”

“They’re green vegetables,” he counters.

“They’re gourmet, don’t be a baby.”

Starters come and quickly disappear.

The main course comes, and by this point, you’re a glass or so of wine deep, and Hyunjin is only looking more and more handsome, as your stomach starts to be comfortably filled and the drinks warm you up from the inside.

Hyunjin’s gazing at you between bites of his dinner, expression so soft that you wonder if he’s gonna lean right across the table to kiss you. It’s tender, it’s lovely, and it’s unlike any other date you’ve ever had.

But a woman’s shrill, furious voice shatters the entire atmosphere with a single sharpened word.

“Hyunjin?!”

It’s almost comical, the way Hyunjin freezes with his fork halfway to his mouth, eyes wide and startled. It’s only almost comical, because this emotion seems to be very real fear on his part. He keeps his eyes on his plate, but you look toward the sound.

There’s a woman approaching your table, thin and elegant and beautiful. She’s got only the faintest age lines on her perfectly made-up face, and her clothes are designer, a plum-colored dress that brushes her knees and a handbag worth more than your whole closet. She doesn’t even spare you a glance, zeroing in on Hyunjin as she comes to stand right beside the table, puffed up in self-righteous anger like a provoked bird.

“Hwang Hyunjin!” she barks.

Hyunjin turns his head so slowly that you wonder if he’s even moving at all, until finally he’s looking at her.

“Of all the places – what on EARTH are you doing?!” she asks him, tone stiff and angry.

It’s the kind of tone that you can imagine her using to yell at waitstaff, or berate the hotel bellhop.  She’s that kind of wealthy, you can just tell. You’ve been dodging people like this your whole adult life, working your way up in the tech field, littered with its new and old money. You glance at Hyunjin, but the urgency in his face tells you to hold your tongue.

“I’m eating,” he says finally.

“Your aunt told me you were still in the city,” she says, “I can’t IMAGINE what you’ve been up to that you haven’t had time to even call, the nerve-”

“Mother,” Hyunjin says evenly, “You’re interrupting a nice time.

Mother. This is Hyunjin’s mother?

As if she’s just noticed that you’re there, she rounds on you. “And who is this?”

The disgust in her voice makes your stomach twist unpleasantly. It’s been a long while since someone has been so openly dismissive of you. Not since you were a student, you think, but God does it hurt.

“This is my date,” Hyunjin answers.

His words are clipped, like he really doesn’t want to say more.

“Well, obviously,” his mother sniffs, condescending, “What is her NAME?”

“You don’t get to know that,” Hyunjin says.

You know that Hyunjin is distant with his parents. He’s mentioned that they don’t talk anymore, and that they don’t really know his daughter at all. But it speaks volumes that he doesn’t even want his mother to know your name.

“And where did you meet this shining example of gilt wood pretending to be gold?” she asks, “The community center? The food bank?”

“There’s no need to be mean,” Hyunjin says, much more calmly than you would be able to, “We’re trying to have dinner. You should leave.”

“I’ve finished my meal. I’m on my way out,” his mother says haughtily, “But I saw you and I needed to come say something.

“No, don’t let us keep you,” Hyunjin says, gesturing toward the exit with his still-full fork.

“Hyunjin, when are you going to give up this ridiculous act and come back to make things right?” she asks, and though the tone is sincere, there’s no warmth behind it.

“Never,” he replies, “Things are just the way I want them.”

This woman, in her all finery and dignified air, stamps her foot on the ground like a child having a tantrum.

“You’re making a mockery of our family, you know that, yes?” she asks.

“You’re the one yelling at me and embarrassing yourself in a restaurant full of people,” Hyunjin points out.

“You are an aggravating and ungrateful child,” his mother hisses.

“Maybe,” Hyunjin agrees, “But I’m happy.”

Perhaps sensing that she’s starting to make a scene, his mother glances around at the other patrons, who are trying to hide the way they’re listening in with varying levels of success. Your waitress is lingering by the edge of the service floor, eyes glued on the scene.

“You’ll come to your senses,” she promises darkly. “And you’ll come begging for my help. We’ll see if I take pity on you then.”

And with that, she turns around and stalks toward the exit, not even pausing as she barks at the valet to bring her ride around. You watch until she’s outside and out of sight, and then you focus on Hyunjin.

His hands are shaking so badly that his fork clatters against his plate. You reach out and cover his hand with yours, easing the fork out of his grip and laying it down. You feel horrible, and kind of sick, but you know that between the two of you, Hyunjin is worse, so you have to push that discomfort down, just for a while.

“Let’s finish our dinner, okay?” you say, “And then we can talk about this.”

---------------

The rest of the date isn’t agonizing, but it is uncomfortable. You chat, and joke, albeit without the same easy grace as before. Seeing his mother, and having her speak to both of you that way has really seemed to rattle Hyunjin more than a confrontation usually would.

You settle the tab, splitting it like you always do, and then you find yourselves on a bench outside the restaurant, set away from the main road. It’s dark, and it’s chilly, but it’s comfortable with the gentle atmospheric music from the restaurant marquee and the sounds of traffic.

“Min’s mom wasn’t ready for a baby.”

You glance at Hyunjin at the sound of his voice. He’s fiddling with the cuffs of his blazer, still looking distinctly unsettled.

“Neither of us were,” he amends.

“Was she a hookup?” you ask.

“A girlfriend,” he says, “But not…she was just a girl from a good family. Someone my parents thought would be a good match, so we dated for a long time.”

“A good match,” you repeat, “A good match for you?”

“A good match for the family,” he says bitterly.

“What does that matter?”

“Oh, it matters. Way more than what I want,” he says.

“They’re really rich, aren’t they?” you ask, thinking about his mother’s clothes, and her attitude, and pretty much everything about her, “Your parents, I mean.”

“Disgustingly rich.”

“Oh.”

“She’s a really nice girl, a good person. But she really didn’t want to be with me forever, and she certainly didn’t want a kid,” Hyunjin says.

“So what happened?” you ask.

“She broke things off when she got pregnant, which made both of our families pissed beyond belief. The proper thing to do would have been to get married, right? But instead she ended the relationship, and moved home,” Hyunjin says, “They took care of Min for like a year and a half, her parents and a nanny.”

“Not the mom?”

Hyunjin shakes his head. “She just didn’t want a kid. Which is okay, more than okay. Our parents were the ones who wanted to keep the pregnancy, not her. I just wanted everyone to stop fighting.”

You just nod. Hyunjin is keeping this story so purposefully vague, not dropping names or placing blame or really showing any anger. You wonder how much time he’s spent thinking about this story, or telling it in different ways. He seems almost desensitized to it all.

“When Min was almost two, her mom asked if I would take on full custody so she could sign away her parental rights and be out of the picture for good. And I figured,” Hyunjin laughs bitterly, “I figured, better to have one parent that loves you the most than two while one is half-assing it.”

“No, I can see that,” you say.

“Minnie lived with me at my parents’ house until they realized that my ex was never coming back. They always figured we’d get back together.”

“Why?!” you ask, incredulous.

Hyunjin looks at you. “Because that would be the dutiful thing to do. Get married, stay together for the kid, avoid any embarrassing attention on the families.”

“Even if that meant you were both miserable forever?”

Hyunjin turns his gaze back at the ground, sighing. “My parents said they wouldn’t support me if I couldn’t even do that one thing right and convince my ex to do right by the families and marry me. But I wasn’t gonna force her. She’s a good person. just in over her head, and scared. And I can’t blame her for that. I can’t forgive her. But I understand.”

“So, what, they kicked you out?”

“Kicked me out, cut me off,” Hyunjin nods. “I used to be set for life, with their money to back me up. I could have fucked around forever, lived comfy. They took it all away because I wouldn’t marry a girl who didn’t love me and just wanted to live her own life.”

“You’re a good person,” you say.

“It was an easy choice,” he quips, some of his usual humor returning now that he’s gotten the stress of his story out of his mind, “Either my parents, who only love me conditionally, or my daughter, who loves the biggest and best out of anyone ever.”

You laugh, but you can’t shake the new strange feeling that has settled over you, now that you know all of this about him. Knowing that Hyunjin is the rejected son of a wealthy family, a silver-spoon kid with a heart of gold. It only validates some of those nagging feelings that in some unavoidable way, Hyunjin is far, far too good for you.

He’s given up a life of luxury and security for his daughter, and his freedom. You’re not about to make him compromise on anything else, ever. At all.

“Min doesn’t even miss any of them,” Hyunjin says thoughtfully, “Doesn’t even ask.”

“That’s good, I guess,” you say.

He shrugs. “Means that she’s not too fucked up from bouncing around like that as a baby, which is a fuckin’ blessing.”

“She’s safe and happy with you now, though,” you say.

Hyunjin grins at you. “But you know who’s been a great parent influence on her?”

“Who?”

“You.”

You laugh. “I’m no parent, trust me.”

“I dunno, you’re pretty great with her,” he says airily, “I don’t trust my kid with just anyone.”

“You gotta stop being so nice to me,” you say. “You’re gonna give me ideas.”

“Ideas like what? Afraid I’ll wanna take you out on a date? Introduce you to my kid? Oh wait-”

“Shut up!” you whine, nudging him. “I just…can’t believe you like me, sometimes. Like, that you really like me, like this.”

“Of course, I like you,” Hyunjin says, dumbfounded, “We’ve been going out for weeks.”

“Yeah, and that only started because Min told you that she wanted to be friends with me.”

“Did you really think that I got your number that day because I wanted you to be friends with my three-year-old?” Hyunjin asks.

“Yes!” you answer, totally honest, “Yes, I did. I think that you would do anything in the world for that kid, even something stupid like inviting me out.”

You stand up, suddenly needing some space, some air that isn’t warm from Hyunjin’s presence by your side or scented with his soft cologne. He just watches as you pace a few short steps away from the bench.

“It was maybe twenty percent because she was being so cute with you,” he says desperately, “But the other eighty percent was for me.”

You can’t believe that. Sure, part of you hoped for it, because it’s truly so insane to just let your preschooler make friends with random women in public. It makes sense for him to have an ulterior motive. You’d hoped that it was really him who was interested, even if he just intended to hook up with you and then cut it off.

It’s beyond obvious to you that you’ve fallen hard for Hyunjin, even in just this short time. The idea of him feeling anything like that for you is much harder to fathom.

“I know you care about me, at least a little,” Hyunjin says, standing up to join you, “At least, I hope you do. Something, some chance that you like me as more than a friend, or a casual date…”

“I do,” you say, voice strangled and tiny, “But you…you’re-”

“I’m what? I’m a father already? I have too much baggage for you?”

Your heart breaks a little bit more as he says that, as you imagine other people in the past dumping him with those exact words. The conviction in his voice is all that you need to picture it; a different person, a different night, the same outcome.

“No!” you insist.

“Then what?”

You bite the bullet, and you say it. “Because you’re beautiful, Hyunjin. You’re perfect. You have a wonderful kid and a nice life that you’ve built for her and yourself after all of that shit you went through. You…you’re too good for me.”

Hyunjin recoils like he’s been slapped. “How can you think that?”

“I just look at your life, and I can’t possibly picture you moving things around just to fit me in,” you say.

“How can you think that there’s not already space for you?! Can’t you see that you’re the best thing that’s happened to me in a long, long time?” he asks.

“Because I’m…” you struggle, “I’m boring, Hyunjin, I don’t know! I’m not worth changing for.”

“That’s bullshit,” he scoffs. “You’re letting my mother get to you, which is just what she wants.”

“Then I’m just not right for you,” you say, trying to ignore his comment about his mother and how absolutely right it is. “You have this cute little picturesque life, and I have my normal job and my hobbies and my family and friends and I would just…be in the way.”

“You’re not in the way now,” Hyunjin says.

“We’re not a serious couple now!”

“Why can’t you just let me like you?!”

He’s practically yelling now, keeping his distance and nearly folding in on himself as he looks at you with eyes that are far too shiny. It’s not the yelling that gets to you, but what he’s saying.

“Because it’s scary!” you yell back. “I don’t want to lose you, or your kid, but I know that-”

“I can show you,” he pleads.

He draws in a little closer, like he’s afraid he’s going to spook you. Against your stubborn brain’s protests, you reach out to thread your fingers with his.

You don’t want to lose him.

But as disgusting and cliché and self-deprecating as it is, you just can’t fathom someone like him wanting to be with someone like you.

Hyunjin leans more fully into your gentle grasp, pulls you right up close to him so that the two of you are toe to toe, there on the street outside the restaurant, as cars pass by and streetlights cast their dim yellow light over it all. He’s looking right into your eyes, expression firm and warm and so, so Hyunjin. You can feel your heart fluttering in your chest as you scan his face for nervousness or insincerity, and find none.

He’s looking at you the way he looks at Minnie when she falls asleep on the couch watching Frozen 2 for the millionth time. The way he looks at Judy when her back is turned in the café.

“I’ll show you that I mean it,” he says again, “I’ll be here for you. I’ll support you the way that you’ve supported us. I’ll love-”

He can’t get to the end of that sentence, because you wrench your free arm around his neck and pull him down to kiss you. He startles, lets go of your hand, and you freeze, thinking you’ve miscalculated the situation and gone too far. But he recovers quickly, wrapping both arms around your waist. He adjusts you so that you’re flush against him, and kisses back, harder.

His plush lips are wine-sour and soft, and he molds them against yours like he’s starving for it.

“My place,” he says, pulling back just the slightest bit so he can speak, “My place.”

“But-”

“Min is at Judy’s for the night,” he says, “Please.”

You want to. You want to so badly that your head is spinning, that your heart is beating out a rhythm against your ribcage. He’s here in front of you, wrapped up in you, so handsome and so unattainable…

Well. You think that Hyunjin is making a mistake. But if he’s gonna make it, you’re gonna enjoy every minute of it.

“Okay,” you breathe.

“Okay, or yes?” Hyunjin says, “I need a real yes.”

You hesitate. You decide. You say it.

“Yes.”

Just like that, he’s pulling you down the road to his car and opening the passenger’s side door for you. His place is across the city from here, so you settle in for what’s sure to be the most impatient car ride of your life. Anticipation drags out the minutes, as the energy between you grows so tense that you’re sure one of you is going to snap and start things up before you even get there.

But you’re spilling out onto the sidewalk in front of his building before you know it, Hyunjin’s hand on the small of your back, guiding you.

You’ve been to his place before, to meet him outside for dates, but you’ve never gone inside before. It’s a regular villa building, boxy and painted a demure white, and he leads you up the metal stairs to the third floor.

“I’m not trying to pressure you into anything,” Hyunjin says uncertainly, as he unlocks the door.

“I know,” you say, “I wouldn’t have come up if I didn’t want…well…”

Hyunjin grins his understanding, and you follow him into the apartment, taking his lead as he kicks off his shoes. You peek around when he flips on the lights.

His home looks about the way you’d expect: modest-sized and full of plain, sturdy furniture that looks like it could take a few hits. The décor is understated, intending to be an atmosphere of minimalist modernism, except that a girly, demanding preschooler definitely lives here. Drawings cover the fridge, the corkboard on the wall, the dining table with its one normal chair and one pink booster seat. Toys, hair accessories, and art supplies sit on shelves, in baskets, on end tables.

“It’s cute,” you say.

“Hm?”

Hyunjin pops his head out of the kitchen, now sans blazer, where he’s switching on more lights. He obviously has a just-gotten-home routine, and he’s not about to abandon it just because you’re here.

“This place. It’s cute,” you repeat. “It suits you.”

“It’s small,” he says with a shrug, tossing his blazer onto the back of the couch, “But we each have a bedroom and that’s really all that I can ask for. You ever shared a bedroom with a toddler? Not cool.”

“I’d like to see your room,” you tease, cringing at yourself instantly for making the dumbest of the dumb jokes.

But Hyunjin’s expression is just dangerously joyful, like he’s really taking it to heart.

“I’ll give you the grand tour,” he says.

“Sounds like you’re plotting.”

“I did tell you that I would prove it to you,” he says, drawing in close to you again, “How much I care about you.”

“The only way you know how to do that is with sex?” you ask playfully, “That’s sad. Maybe expand your vocabulary, first.”

He looks down at you, amused and just slightly frustrated. “Why can’t you make this easy for me?”

“Nothing with me is easy,” you say, “You should get used to that.”

“I dunno. You’re kind of easy to love.”

There he goes again, with that word. You can feel your cheeks burning, unable to process such casual affection from someone you like so much.

“Can I kiss you?” you ask.

“As much as you want,” he promises.

You slot yourself comfortably into his arms and lean up to kiss him. He’s got such ridiculous plush lips, soft and sliding against yours, and he holds you like you’re something precious. It’s an overwhelming amount of attention, but you let yourself bask in it.

“C’mon,” he says, “I’ll give you that tour.”

He winks, and then he releases you, walking across the small living space toward the doors on the far wall. Following him is second nature, at this point, and you pad after him.

“This is Min’s room,” he tells you.

He cracks the door on the right, so that you can see a peek of the pink explosion on the other side.

“She picked all her own décor,” he says.

“I’m starting to think that pink is just your favorite color, and you’re using the kid as an excuse,” you say.

“You’ll never get me to admit it,” he grins.

He opens the door on the left, and this room is soft woods and earth tones. Definitely an adult’s room, almost stark in its lack of personal effects. It’s dark except for city lights filtering between the open curtains, casting the room into a seductive kind of shadow. You follow him into the room, grinning to yourself.

“Bed looks comfy,” you say.

Hyunjin sits down on the edge of the bed, strong thighs in dress pants drawing your eye shamefully quickly, and fixes you with a look.

“Come find out,” he offers.

You can’t keep being so self-conscious about this. It’s Hyunjin, it’s only Hyunjin, your friend. One of your dearest friends. With his supermodel face, and his long blonde hair falling out of its ponytail in wisps around his cheekbones, and the outline of his cock against his thigh-

Fuck.

Something in you snaps. You climb into his lap, settling yours knees on either side of his hips, winding your arms around his neck to pull his mouth back against yours. He laughs into the kiss, his hands landing on your hips and pulling you down harder into him.

“See?” he says, voice low, “It’s not so hard to open up to me, is it?”

“I think you’re making a mistake,” you mutter.

“You’re so mean to yourself,” Hyunjin chides.

You cock an eyebrow at him. “I can be mean to you instead.”

He just laughs again, grinding his hips up into you briefly. You can feel him getting hard beneath you, distinct even through the layers of clothes that separate the two of you.

“Can this come off?” he asks, plucking at the collar of your nice silky blouse.

“Yeah.”

His answering smile is dark and satisfied, conniving in a way that makes your pulse jump. Hyunjin is so calm and sweet most of the time, cheerful in a way that suggests naivety. You almost worry about him, sometimes, worry that to other he’ll come across as just pretty and dim. Why are you getting the feeling that you’ve stumbled across a very different part of him, tonight?

“D’you know how long I’ve wanted to do this?” he asks, against your collarbone, as he unbuttons your blouse down your chest, down your stomach.

“How long?”

“Too long. Way too long.

He’s pushing your shirt off your shoulders before you know it, reaching around to unhook your bra. His hands are firm and certain, the stumbling hesitation that he’d shown while asking you out nowhere to be found. Here, apparently, he’s absolutely comfortable.

Your shirt and bra are discarded carelessly, and you’re surprised that you feel no shyness at all when Hyunjin cups your breasts in his hands and thumbs over your nipples.

“Knew you’d be pretty,” he says.

“Shut up,” you mumble.

He gives you another one of those feline grins.

“Watch it,” he warns.

Hyunjin hooks one arm around your back and flips the two of you over so that he’s on top, all but dragging you up to the middle of the bed. You’re sprawled on your back under him now, bouncing gently on the mattress with the force that he’d used to move you.

“You’re even prettier like this,” he smirks, “I like the slacks, by the way, very professional. I didn’t tell you that earlier.”

“Thanks,” you reply, breathing heavy, unsure how to handle this new Hyunjin and his blinding confidence.

“Can those come off, too?”

“What about your clothes?” you whine.

“We’ll get to that,” he promises.

He only needs one hand to unbutton, unzip, and tug your slacks down to your knees in one fluid motion, and he move aside so you can kick them off all the way.

“These are so you,” Hyunjin says.

You’re confused, until you look down yourself to see the panties you’d put on that morning: light blue with a pattern of tiny white running llamas. They’re not all that sexy, but they’re comfy, and it’s not like you’d explicitly planned on anyone seeing them, date or no date.

“I wasn’t expecting to get fucked tonight,” you say bluntly, “Give me a break.”

“Should have at least hoped for it,” he grins.

“I try to keep my expectations realistic.”

“You need to give yourself more credit,” Hyunjin says.

To punctuate it, he leans down over you fully, caging you in, and kisses you breathless again. He trails his mouth and hands down your front lazily, scraping his teeth against your hipbone where it peeks from the waistband of your underwear. He lets one long finger trace over your panties, across your covered pussy, and you can’t help how you twitch.

“Bet you’re fuckin’ delicious, too. Am I gonna get to taste?” he asks.

“Jesus Christ,” you groan.

The mouth on him…you’ve never had someone talk to you like this before, so tender and affectionate but also so obscene. It sends arousal pealing through you, the idea that he can be so into this, into you.

“Use your words,” he says, “Come on, can I taste you?”

“Yes,” you say, “God, Hyunjin…”

“Oh, I like how my name sounds, like that, listen to you,” he purrs.

He hooks his fingers into your waistband and pulls your panties off smoothly. Those are abandoned over the edge of the bed, too, and Hyunjin has his face between your legs seemingly as fast as he can.

“Tell me if anything doesn’t feel good,” he says, warm breath fanning over your inner thighs.

“I will,” you say, “Don’t worry.”

“Fuckin’ gorgeous,” he mutters, and he licks into you indulgently.

He’s got one hand bracing himself against your leg, one hand holding your folds open for him so he can dip his tongue into your opening, drag it slow across your clit.

“Fuck,” he says, and you swear you can feel the word against you, “Can’t wait to feel this sweet pussy around my dick.”

You moan. You can’t help it, can’t help the way you’re leaking your arousal against his tongue, the way his words and his gorgeous mouth are working you over. He pulls away from your core much too quickly, and he smiles when you whine.

“Just a taste, I said,” he placates.

He sits back on his heels between your legs to strip off his own clothes, but you haul yourself up to meet him.

“Let me do it,” you say.

“Be my guest.”

So it’s your turn to undo his buttons and give yourself an unencumbered look at his body for the first time. He’s slim, working muscle like a dancer, gorgeous skin under your hands. You kind of want to take your time, leave marks all over him and get to know every inch. But it does seem like he has an agenda tonight, as he impatiently shrugs off his shirt and undoes his own belt.

He rids himself of his pants and underwear quickly, and you really should have expected him to have a cock like THAT. He’s tall, and pretty, and of course, this part of him matches perfectly, long and thick and beautifully flushed.

“I’m clean,” you find yourself saying, “And on birth control, so if you want…we can…”

Hyunjin grins at you. “You just want me to fuck you raw.”

“I do,” you agree, “Fuck, I do.”

“I’m clean, too,” he tells you.

He nudges your legs apart to make room for him as he crawls back up your body, giving you a gentle playful shove so that you lay flat on your back for him again.

“Is that what you want? Want me to fill you up, just like this?”

He’s looming over you, propping himself up with his hands planted on either side of your head. You can feel the tip of his cock nudging between your folds.

“That’s what I want,” you agree desperately. “Please.”

You don’t know why you’re begging him like this. Are you that easy to break?

But you can’t bring yourself to care how ridiculous you sound, because Hyunjin rocks his hips forward to dip the head of his cock into you, and you keen.

“What do you want?” he asks, with a knowing smirk.

“You know exactly what!”

“I can’t give you anything unless you tell me,” he says.

“I want,” you struggle, “I want you to fill me up. Please.”

“That’s a good girl,” he praises gently.

He rewards you with another thrust, a little deeper, sending a fantastic thrill through your body but still nowhere near enough. He works himself into you slowly, just a bit at a time, pulling completely out in between just to be able to sink all the way back in.

After what seems like an eternity, he slides in completely, hips flush against yours. You squirm, needing him to do SOMETHING, after taking his sweet time to get to this point, but Hyunjin seems content to just sit like this for a moment.

“I was right,” he tells you, “Feels fuckin’ heavenly.”

“Move, please,” you beg.

“Be patient. Maybe I just want you to cockwarm me for the rest of the night,” he teases.

“I would go home,” you say.

He laughs. “Okay, okay, you got me, that’s not what I want.”

So slowly that you know he’s doing it on purpose to torture you, Hyunjin draws back and fucks into you, hard and deep. It coaxes a punched-out moan from your throat, already so strung out though you’ve just begun.

He’s stronger than you would have imagined, driving into you with those narrow dancer’s hips and leaning down to press kisses to your cheeks, your mouth, the sides of your throat. His hands roam like he wants to be touching all of you at once: kneading into your breast, smoothing back your hair, bending your legs up farther so he can fuck you deeper, better.

“Look how well you take me,” he says.

You do look. You crane your neck up to look down the narrow space between you, as Hyunjin props up his body above you, and you can just barely see his thick cock working into you, disappearing with an obscene squelch that leaves no question about how much you’re enjoying yourself.

“So messy,” he teases.

“’m not messy,” you mumble, feeling sex-stupid but indignant.

“No?” he grins, “Not dripping wet for me?”

You want to argue, but he’s right; you can feel exactly how wet you are for him. You can’t remember the last time someone had you so desperate, so ready and eager to take what you’re given. Hyunjin falls forward to let your bodies press together, covering you and pressing a kiss to the shell of your ear.

“Sweet girl,” Hyunjin murmurs, voice soft and fond and dangerous, “So good for me. So good with my kid. We could give her a sibling, you know.”

It sounds like something that just slipped out, the way that it’s so honest and the way that Hyunjin nearly gasps at himself. But your mind has gone one hundred percent completely blank. You let out a moan that’s mostly silent, as you let the implication of that wash over you.

You didn’t think you had a thing for, well…this.

But Hyunjin, looking at you like this, talking like this, honest and filthy, right in your ear. You know that it’s just dirty talk, that he doesn’t mean it, not right this instant. You both know that you’re on birth control. But the game of it, the idea of it…

“Yes,” you gasp, “Oh my God-”

“Oh, you REALLY like that,” he purrs, “I can feel you squeezing around me.”

“Hyunjin!” you moan.

“Is that what you want, baby? You just wanna be filled up with my cum, is that it?”

You can’t believe the words coming out of his mouth, and you doubly can’t believe how much you fucking love them, how you’re nodding and clawing your fingernails down his back at the picture he’s painting for you.

“Please,” you gasp, “I want – I want-”

Hyunjin draws up so that he can look into your eyes. “Baby wants me to give her a baby. Hm.”

Never in your life have you been brought right to the point of cumming just from someone’s words, but that’s exactly what’s happening. You can feel that perfect fuzzy electricity in your toes, building up. If you cum untouched, just from this, you’re gonna have some real soul-searching to do.

He seems to be at a similar place, fucking into you at a breakneck pace, still murmuring at you mindlessly.

“Want to fill up this sweet pussy, put a baby in you…Jesus fucking Christ, so good,” Hyunjin moans.

“Inside,” you agree, “Please – I need you, I just-”

As if he couldn’t be more perfect, Hyunjin slips his hand between you, presumably to bring you over the peak with him. The instant his finger presses against your clit, starts to rub a messy circle in the wetness spreading across your folds and your inner thighs, you cum.

You feel like screaming, but your voice is strangled, constricted with arousal, “Oh-”

“Fuck!” Hyunjin moans, like he’s agreeing with you.

One, two, three, four deep strokes, and Hyunjin bottoms out, pressing into you as he cums. Your hips buck into him on their own accord as he paints your walls with his cum, and you can’t help the newly-awakened corner of your mind that thinks about what could happen, if you weren’t on your birth control, if you did this again…

Goddamn. You really have some journaling to do later, or something.

“So perfect,” Hyunjin mutters, letting his head fall, burying his face in your shoulder, “So fucking perfect, how did I get so lucky?”

You’re the lucky one, you think to yourself. Your brain is simultaneously too full and too empty to say anything coherent, so you just lay there, wrap your limbs around Hyunjin as well as you can. He gets the message, you think, because he snuggles more firmly into you and turns his head to press a kiss to your jaw.

He’s warm, and kind of heavy, but you don’t want him to move, or to pull out of you. Just let this minute last a little longer, you think. Just a little longer, before you have to talk about what all of this means.

---------------

You only know you’ve fallen asleep when you wake up.

There’s a weight on your chest, pressing you into the mattress. For a second you think you have sleep paralysis, until you get a face-full of blonde hair and realize that it’s just Hyunjin, fast asleep on top of you.

“Get up,” you say, pushing on him gently, “And, ew, let me clean up.”

You can feel his cum drying on the inside of your thighs, where it trickled out around his softened cock while you slept. It’s kind of nasty, but the memory of all the hazy lust-filled things you said to each other makes you not mind so much.

Hyunjin yawns audibly, right next to your head, and then he peels himself off you.

“Sorry,” he grins. “Are your arms asleep?”

“No. Doesn’t your neck hurt from laying like that?”

He presses a smacking kiss to your forehead. “No. You’re a good pillow.”

Hyunjin pulls out of you and climbs gingerly off the bed. You squint around the room until your eyes find a glowing digital clock on his bedside; it’s only just past midnight.

“Shower and then sleep?” Hyunjin offers.

“Sounds good.”

He helps you to your feet, laughing as your knees threaten to buckle despite the cooldown period you’ve had.

“I hope I didn’t cross any lines,” he says tentatively, “I took a risk with all that baby talk and-”

“I liked it,” you admit, shy.

“Really?”

You nod. “I mean, we shouldn’t do anything stupid. Not right now. But just to play with, in the bedroom…”

Grinning, you fan yourself dramatically with your hand, like you’re a proper lady being overwhelmed with the saucy behavior of your male paramour.

Hyunjin laughs again. “Good to know.”

He shows you across the hall to the bathroom, men’s hair and skin and shaving products lined up next to rainbow-packaged kiddie shampoo and a small bin full of bath toys. As the shower is warming up, steam and the sound of rushing water filling the bathroom, he nudges you with his elbow.

“I knew all along that you were just into me because I have a kid,” he says.

You consider it, as you pull back the shower curtain and test the water. It’s warm, so you draw the curtain fully back and step under the spray. Peeking out at him, water starting to run down your back and warm your skin the way that Hyunjin’s presence warms you on the inside, you smile.

“Guess you’re just a DILF.” 

💕💕💕💕

[slashingdisneypasta]

Horror Villains And: Period Sex

oh that is the perfect gif I totally forgot all about it but oh boy. thanks billy for your service to this blog.

Warnings: Obviously, menstruation, blood, and smut. I’m dealing with a particularly uncomfortable period (for me at least) and just want some e m p a t h y about it.

~~~

Who LOVES it:

Freddy Krueger: ABSO-MOTHER FUCKING-LUTELY. It’s a struggle to keep his hands off you (on a normal day) during your period. He can smell it.

Kieran Wilcox: yes please mommy, he’s waiting.

Luda Mae Hewitt: This is her secret kink.

Michael Myers: B l o o d  p l a y? Any kind of bloodplay, Michael is into it. If you weren’t already bleeding, he would probably make you bleed, with his (Actual) knife.

Mickey Altieri: Bring it. Jesus christ, Mickey thinks its so hot. Getting his cock or his fingers coated in your slick and your blood (Seeing the string consistency between his fingers), seeing you in a total mess from your period and being fucked to oblivion? Oh yes.

Midnight Man: He just likes it. I dunno. I don’t have a logical reason, extension or explanation of my vibes here but I am getting them from him.

Patrick Bateman: Oh my god it is his favourite kind of sex. Yes yes yes. Please please please. He marks your cycle in his calendar, with special notes about flow and mood. Soon enough he’s figured out your whole period every week and knows exactly when the iron is hot enough to strike. Any w h e r e, any t i m e .

Both Pennywise’: Ooooh, watch their eyes glow and their hair get more luscious when you tell them. Their teeth get sharper and the whites of their eyes get whiter- they’re horny as fuck now. Be a good sport and give them a lil taste, won’t you? A smell at least? That, or have them trailing you like lost puppies for the rest of the week, and curling up to/around you as tightly as possible when you’re sleeping.

The Clown / Jeffrey Hawk / Kenneth Chase: Where else could he possibly go on this post, honestly.

The Man (Hush): Yep.  He’s favourite time of month.

Who is like ‘a b s o l u t e l y  n o t’:

Jerry Dandridge: Do I really need to comment? I mean, he can control himself being around you on your period, but you cannot let that blood smell hit the open air. Your controlled, classy vampire bf will disappear in an instant and will be replaced with… well, Evil.

Yeah no thanks:

Debbie Loomis: She’s not vehemently against it, but still… nah? Thanks for the offer tho. And it won’t happen when she’s on her period either, c e r t a I n l y not. Don’t even touch her when she’s on her period, jesus christ.

Jennifer Check: Yeah she just got a new manicure. Over her dead body will you stain her new French tips with your coochie blood. And if she puts her mouth down there, it might excited t o o much if you get what I mean and you will become a real snack.  

Is indifferent towards it:

Bo Sinclair: You’re sure into him durin’ this time o’ month, aren’t you? Eh… whatever. Hop on. He’s happy to help his partner, especially if its in such a gratifying way! I mean he won’t buy you any fucking pads but he will do this and there’s Bo as a boyfriend for you.

Chucky / Charles Lee Ray: I mean sure? Blood doesn’t scare him and it is, in fact, a turn on for him of course so sure. Plus, you’re less likely to get pregnant at this time, which is great! Doesn’t see what the big deal is, here. (Although, weirdly, I see past Chucky from Curse to be very much in the next category)

Inkubus: It’s not even a big d e a l, man, its cool. He likes all kinds of sex. Go wild.

Jason Voorhees: Jason is basically ace in the way he conducts himself on a general basis but if it tuned out that he was interested in sex and/or was willing to do it with you, then some blood leaking out of your private parts because of some natural causes is not going to change his mind. Is this not normal??

Jedidiah Sawyer: ???Alright??? He wears a mask made of skin, your natural bodily functions are not going to scare him away. Besides, the knowledge that it could lessen menstrual pain for you is a nice bonus. He’s gotta take care of his family.

Roman Bridger: It’s really not a big deal to him. We’ll just put down a darker sheet, or some plastic. You both need this sometimes (Him for emotional support when he’s stressed, and you of course cuz you’re on your damn period) and a bit of blood is certainly not a deal breaker. Besides, he finds the easy thrusting to be nice and comfortable. Preferred sometimes, actually. Just some nice, lazy, relieving sex with your director boyfriend.

Sheriff Hoyt / Charlie Hewitt: A little bit a’ blood aint gonna turn me off, sugar. Don’t you worry bout that.

The Djinn: See Inkubus. Except, our dear Wishmaster is so much more of a tease about this.

Is enthusiastic when they learn that orgasms lessen period pain:

Bubba Sawyer: He doesn’t care about exposure to blood, obviously, and he doesn’t see it as gross at all but he was still concerned about whether that was safe during your… monthly thing… but once he found out that it could help you with cramps he got on board immediately! ^^

Lester Sinclair: Oh boy, well okay then, let’s give this a go then!!

Mayor Buckman: He knows the drill; Boone gets terrible cramps. Don’t worry, he’s got you.

Pamela Voorhees: Oh of course she’ll help you out when you’re hurting ^^

Stuart Lloyd: Well… don’t get him wrong, for sure there is the part where it helps you in a seriously uncomfortable time… but then there is also the fact that he is a lil bit of a secret freak and menstrual care is a good excuse for him. (So he also belongs in the first category ^^)

The Deathslinger / Caleb Quinn: Blood doesn’t bother him, and if it’ll give you a hand with yer monthly problem then you just need to ask him. You’ll be on the bench in the saloon with your thighs spread without a second thought, like asking for a glass of water. (Except of course Caleb’s a lot more hands on about the whole thing of course (; ) He’s happy to help.

The Huntress / Anna: Oh!! Really?? It’ll help? Okay, then, sunflower. Remove your pants. Let’s go !!

Vincent Sinclair: He’s just very supportive and helpful through all areas of your period. He doesn’t understand, but he can still be sympathetic and help the way you say would be good ^^

Is curious and will try:

Billy Loomis: Is really curious and excited to try it. I mean, he likes blood? He likes sex? And this is both those things?? Fun lubricant, yay.

Chop Top Sawyer: And when I say that he’ll try and I REALLY MEAN IT, MAN. Like, go big or go home. He’s going to eat you out at this time and he’ll end up really enjoying it. Buckle up babes, you’ve awoken something buried pretty damn s h a l l o w l y inside him.

Granny Boone: Similar to Chop Top except with him, you had to tell him you were on your period and all so it would be different and all, while with Boone she was the one sniffing it out and *cough* hunting you approaching you about trying it.

Jill Roberts: For the same reasons as Billy. Plus, she wants to be able to say ‘well I did it for you- you have to do it for me.’

Leslie Vernon: I mean, he’ll give anything a shot once. What’s the harm?

Piper Shaw: Same as Jill.

Stu Macher: Super enthusiastic to try!! XDD Just, like, dyed lube- right?

Is c a u t i o u s:

Carrie White: … periods have always been difficult for her… But she’s willing to give it a try as long as you’re willing to return the favour! ^^

Thomas Hewitt: Tell him, if whatever he does hurts you. He is very serious about this. He wants you to feel better, but he doesn’t really know this works and does not want you hurting in his vein attempt at making you feel better. So, please. Tell him how you’re feeling. He’ll get really good at making your cramps and discomfort go away.

They may take some convincing:

Drayton Sawyer: I mean, he’s of course not afraid of some blood but… uh… Well, I mean, he doesn’t really have a big, or even moderate sex drive in the first place so any sex of any kind takes some warming up to. Maybe if the stars aline and you catch him on a good day. Otherwise, he tells you to just suck it up.

[sneezypeasy]

Dissecting the Discourse: Part 3?

Welp, looks like there will be a third installment in my “Writing up a Zutara Drama Timeline” series. 

Full disclaimer upfront: The past two times I attempted to break down a Zutara fandom controversy, I was a neutral bystander who was mostly blindsided by what happened. I had to piece together the timeline of events as an outsider, someone who didn’t witness most of the infighting in real time.

This time, I was there almost from the start, and I was later directly named as someone who had a role to play in the controversy, which dragged me much closer to the conflict than I was comfortable with. This is partly why I’ve found it difficult to write up this post, because this time, my connection to the drama is significantly more personal and direct. In writing these posts, my goal was always to offer a deconstruction of events that was emotionally distanced, fair and objective as I could possibly make it, and being “close” to the action as I was (and the accusations) made that nearly impossible last week.

I have now reached a point where I believe I am able to report on the situation without letting my ego or my emotions muddy my thoughts too heavily on the subject. However, I think it’s important that people read this post being fully informed of the fact that this time, I am not a neutral third-party, and to take that into account as they read. However, I hope that my timeline can still help, for some.

So, with that being said, here is my breakdown of what happened:

TWs: non-explicit references to BDSM, kink, kink communities, darkfic (including rapefic/nonconfic).

1) On January 23rd, a user (who has consented to be identified here by their tumblr handle @ironpines) received an ask on tumblr expressing fondness towards “old” Zutara fics that depicted “Stockholm syndrome” and “abusive capture” dynamics. Ironpines responded positively to the ask, agreeing that writers and readers who enjoy darkfic should not be shamed for it and expressed support for a “don’t like don’t read” position towards fiction containing “problematic” tropes.

2) Soon afterwards, another user, who will be identified here as User X, responded to an ask that stated “someone is literally in the Zutara tag whining about how there isn’t enough r*pe porn anymore”. User X expressed agreement with their anon ask, and suggested that “problematic” fiction was previously an oversaturated medium in the Zutara fandom, and that they “died for a reason and we’re so much better for it now.” 

3) Later that same day, on a Zutara discord server that I am part of, ironpines and User X initiated a heated debate on the topic of BDSM kink. It is my understanding that the argument initially stemmed from the anon asks mentioned above, and thus was limited to the context of BDSM kink in fiction, but this was soon abandoned in favour of discussing the practices of BDSM and kink communities as a whole.

User X expressed various opinions critical of BDSM kink, those who participate in it and BDSM communities in general, comparing BDSM to self-harm, sexual exploitation, abuse and predatory behaviour, and accused kink communities and participants of enabling or glorifying abuse or abusive structures. Ironpines took a heated stance against these arguments, asserting that BDSM is more comparable to activities like martial arts, paintball, tattoos etc - (in other words, activities that generally do not garner social condemnation due to the element of willing and informed consent despite the inherent element of risk). User X argued that the gender disparity she has observed in dom/sub dynamics are a natural extension of misogynistic power structures in society, and that most women (particularly submissive women) who claim to enjoy kink are victims of cult-like pressure/brainwashing that are enabled by these societal structures, at one point comparing kink in kink communities to abuse and rape within the Catholic church. Ironpines took offense to User X’s beliefs, arguing that her claims were ignorant, and that the rhetorical framework for these views were infantilising and rooted in sexism stemming from an adherence to radical feminist ideology, that seeks to pathologise female sexual agency/liberation.

As previously mentioned, the debate spiralled into passive-aggressive and unproductive territory fairly quickly. Examples include User X telling ironpines at one point to “get well soon <3” (implying that their perspective is that of a mentally unwell person), and ironpines declaring that “zuko is going to have so much fun cnc’ing [Katara], bye” (declaring their intention to continue writing fanfics of Zuko and Katara in a BDSM dynamic despite, or perhaps even because of, the discord argument.) 

Two other users acted mostly as bystanders throughout the fight: one who has consented to be named here as firelxdykatara, and another who I will call User A. At the very beginning of the argument, User A objected to the comparison between BDSM and self-harm, arguing that this was not a fair analogy to make, though she did not elaborate further on this assertion. Towards the end of the debate User A told User X that her arguments were “alienating a lot of people in the server”, before ultimately shutting down the debate as it “[wasn’t] going anywhere and just talking in circles”. Firelxdykatara’s involvement in the debate was to assert, similarly, that “kink is not self-harm” and that User X’s perspective was “inherently invalidating & infantilizing to adults who are capable of making their own sexual decisions''. To my knowledge, that was the extent of these users’ participation/involvement in the discussion. 

About two hours after the argument ended, I entered the channel and skimmed over the debate. Having studied sexual sadism/masochism in both a formal (university) context, and in an anecdotal context (from friends who profess to enjoy kink to some degree, whether in real life, or in their writing/fanfictions, or both), my understanding of kink and kink communities differed greatly from the opinions I saw User X express. I also saw that while several of her assertions had been categorically rebuffed, the rebuttals provided little elaboration or explanation.

I have a strong personal dislike towards dogmatic approaches to discourse, and skimming over the chat, I felt like there were questions raised in the discord argument that deserved a more comprehensive answer (not necessarily even for User X’s sake but also for the benefit of any lurkers who might be curious, yet hesitant to participate directly given the intensity of the debate). In an attempt to not stoke the flames any further than had already been stoked, but also to try to provide some answers, I posted a link to an essay that explained, in depth, the harms of many anti-kink arguments (including but not limited to, “kink is equivalent to self-harm”, “kink should be kept only to yourself, never written and shared to a wider community”, “kink is only valid for abuse/rape survivors and even then, what they really need is therapy”, etc etc). I also attempted to give my take on why kink and self-harm are not analogous behaviours, speaking as a Psych major who’d formally studied Abnormal Psychology. To the best of my recollection, that was the extent of my involvement in the Discord Argument. 

4) Shortly afterwards, User X was banned from the discord server. There were various reasons for this; the main reason that I’m aware of is that heightened suspicion developed before, during and after the discord argument, that User X was the user who leaked the previous screenshot(s) during the Zutara Smut Week drama, and that her continued access to the server was thus a lingering threat to user privacy and safety. 

5) Around the same time, ironpines began receiving anon asks on their tumblr, ranging from mocking to vilifying, for the arguments they expressed and/or experiences they shared in the aforementioned discord argument. Ironpines responded relatively aggressively to these asks, and on multiple occasions both directly and indirectly accused the anon(s) of being User X. This appeared to fuel a vicious cycle, where ironpines’ reactions to the anon asks (including one response which included ironpines telling User X to “choke on the radfem dick you’re eating rn”) resulted in more anon backlash and accusations of misogyny/harassment/bad-faith conduct, which resulted in more hostile responses from ironpines, which resulted in more anon asks condemning their hostility, and so on and so on. 

6) On January 25th, a user presenting themselves as a third-party to the discord debate, approached an A:TLA “confessions” blog claiming to have “receipts” (screenshots from the aforementioned discord argument), proving that ironpines was the primary aggressor towards User X from the beginning. They alleged that ironpines’ behaviour, both in the discord chat and thereafter, was simultaneously unwarranted and unconscionable, summing up that User X had “questioned certain violent fetishes over discord” and that ironpines had responded to this with vindictive anger and harassment.

This user additionally claimed that the screenshots implicated three other individuals who had “sided with ironpines”, a position they could not tolerate and urged others not to tolerate also. They identified these three users by their tumblr handles: [User A], @firelxdykatara, and sneezypeasy (myself). 

7) In an attempt to protect user privacy, the nsfw discord channel was quickly deleted as soon as this post was made public.

8) Following this, User A, firelxdykatara and ironpines received a large volume of anon asks questioning or accusing them of behaviour ranging from bad-faith conduct, to harassment, to espousing “pro-rape” ideology. Multiple asks also contained rape and/or death threats. Again, responses to these asks appeared to have resulted in something of a positive feedback loop, where hostile responses prompted increasingly hostile asks, and vice versa.

On the flipside, several anon asks submitted to the “confessions” blog (and responses from the blog itself) misgendered ironpines, who uses they/them pronouns. Accusations of transphobia quickly followed, buttressing the argument that sympathy for User X’s perspective was rooted in radical feminist ideology, a connection both ironpines and firelxdykatara explicitly highlighted in their own posts on the situation. 

It is my opinion that by this point, the well had been quite well and truly poisoned, and productive discourse was past attainable.

(I should add here, as I believe it is likely relevant context, that both ironpines and firelxdykatara claim to have been on “mutual block” with User X for some time. Both ironpines and firelxdykatara contend that by blocking User X, they have fulfilled their obligations of shielding User X from any potentially hurtful or triggering content they may post on their blogs, including posts that are directly referring to or addressing User X in a hostile manner.)

Edit #2: I have been told that at some point during all of this, prior to the “confessions” blog leaking a series of screenshots of the discord chat, see point (9) - ironpines posted several screenshots of the same chat to tumblr in an attempt to combat the narrative that they had harassed User X or had acted as the primary aggressor. I have searched ironpines’ blog and cannot find any evidence of these screenshots, so if any screenshots were indeed posted between January 23rd and January 27th, they must have since been deleted.

Edit #3: I have now seen the screenshots in a reblog of one of ironpines’ posts; so the screenshots were indeed posted, and then deleted or removed some time later. The screenshots were posted on January 27th, the same day the confessions blog released their screenshots, and show User X summarising the discord argument “for the lurkers” and accusing her opponents of bad-faith conduct and “glorify[ing] something triggering to punish [her] for daring to speak up”. A second screenshot depicts User X sharing an inflammatory anon ask to the channel to ask “which one of you sent me this”.

9) On January 27th, the confessions blog released a series of screenshots they had received from the user in point (6), and presented the screenshots as satisfactory evidence that User X’s position/role in the drama was largely sympathetic, summarising that User X’s "reasonable questions” about “systems & structures” within kink communities was met with immediate hostility in the form of “personal attacks and strawman arguments”, and that ironpines’ subsequent tumblr posts (and the conduct of their supporters) were highly disproportionate and malicious in response.

Publicly and privately, ironpines (and their supporters) have responded to the “receipts” by arguing that the evidence instead shows User X applying radical feminist rhetoric to demean and invalidate consensual kink, even using derogatory and ableist language to support her position against iropnines. In supporting User X, the “confessions” blog has been similarly accused of blindly accepting radical feminist ideology (at best), to platforming and advocating for it (at worst). 

10) Meanwhile, behind the scenes, several users on the discord server identified multiple pieces of circumstantial evidence which suggested User X was a primary suspect for the “leaker” of the discord screenshots, both in Zutara smut week, and in the current drama. User X’s history of having written BDSM dynamics herself (including female-on-male rape, dubcon, sadism and masochism, bondage and submission etc) prevented many users from being able to sympathise with her firm stance against Maledom/femsub kink. Edit #1: User X has reached out to me personally, to clarify that her intention of exploring these dynamics in her fics were to “portray abuse and a victim’s response to it”, and opposes the comparison of her fic(s) to “a genre of stories in which victims fall in love with their aggressors, thus justifying the abuse.” Multiple users have, both publicly and privately, accused User X of engaging in double standards, hypocrisy, sexism, and lack of integrity. This, combined with the increasing suspicion that User X was the “leaker” as well as the user who had approached the “confessions” blog in point (6), resulted in many users rapidly withdrawing support for User X and her “side” of the drama.

In summary, users who have “taken sides” on the conflict at present seem to fall under two camps:

The “pro-user X” side believes the screenshots vindicate User X. Either they agree that User X’s perspective on kink are valid, that ironpines acted as the primary aggressor, or that ironpines engaged in disproportionate and malicious retaliation towards User X for her stated views, or some combination of the above.

The “anti-user X” side believes the screenshots vindicate ironpines. They typically argue that User X’s perspective is unacceptable due to its basis in radical feminist ideology, that User X and her supporters acted as the primary aggressor (and continue to do so by weaponising User X’s “false victimhood”), or that ironpines’ responses did not reach the level of what could be labelled harassment or unwarranted/disproportionate aggression, or some combination of the above. 

And… I believe that is where things are right now. I will be amending/editing this post, correcting details or adding more information as needed. I am apprehensive towards including direct links as the drama is still relatively “fresh” and I am nervous about escalating it any further or inciting harassment/more harassment to the individuals involved. If anyone wishes to see “citations” of anything I’ve claimed in here, dm me and I will provide (names-censored) screenshots (unless it’s of the individuals who have consented to be named in this post).

This has been an admittedly stressful couple of weeks for me, much of it for personal reasons, and I’m aware that I am in a somewhat awkward position to give a balanced report, but I hope that some people might still find this helpful.

[louisdotmp3]

well folks, this fic rec has everything - it’s sorted into: trueform cas, human cas, trans dean, dean character studies, endverse, weednatural, and the extremely exclusive list of au’s that i actually like.  (there’s a lot of human cas in here.)  i tried to make this consist mostly of stuff that at least i haven’t seen rec’d often, so hopefully u’ll find something new!  but ofc there’s some classics in here.

some descriptions i’ve kept from the ao3 description (those are in quotes) and for other’s i’ve written my own (not in quotes).

trueform cas

the reach of human sense by perilously (E, 4.5k)

cas is feeling weird about dean never having seen his true form and then they work it out so can and dean enacts praise kink on cas

Then I am, yes, the Bible that teaches you of freedom by orphan (E, 17k)

“Well. The Apocalypse was one thing. Thousand-foot-tall multi-limbed horror-angels smashing up the planet was something totally different...” or, cas is in an earthly approximation of his true form and they’re well and truly into the apocalypse, but also there’s some trueform grace sex

Yield by Gemmiel (E, 2.5k) (and it’s first part Merge)

dean and cas explore angel sex and merging cas’ grace and dean’s soul

human cas

Stories Are Made of Mistakes by wildhoneypie (T, 4.9k)

“In which Cas is human and doesn't understand basic concepts like: clothing, Mythbusters, moisturizer, and Greek food. Dean is...Dean and doesn't understand basic concepts like: boyfriends, language, how to tell your friend that he's a walking miracle, and when not to quip.”

Snippets by saltyfeathers (Not Rated, 6.4k)

season 8, cas is human, cas is depressed.

More Than Ever by Sass_Master (E, 20k) from the Dream of Now series

cas decides to become human and dean is an unbearable asshole about it because he’s a man with abandonment and self-worth issues and never learned how to process an emotion.  (it has a happy ending.)  and also the rest of the works in the series are very worth it - but especially these:

Learning to Live by Sass_Master (E, 15k) from the Dream of Now series

explores dean’s internalized homophobia (and cas’ lack of it)

A Given Thing by Sass_Master (E, 20k) from the Dream of Now series

explores dean and cas navigating their way through d/s dynamics with purpose for the first time

Après by imogenbyknight (E, 24k)

set after the end of s8, cas falls to earth in france, and dean comes to paris to get him.  (cas gets to wear a sweater.)

the taste of gravel in the mouth by deathbanjo (E, 22k)

“This is what Cas gave up Heaven for: greasy diner food, shitty motel rooms with even shittier cable, long car rides spent in complete silence except for the same six tapes playing over and over again, and a burnt-out husk of a man who can barely hold a conversation anymore.”

trans dean

No one ever wants to say by marshmallowfluff (M, 58k, incomplete)

canon reimagining with trans dean up until 2.01 written by a trans author.  first chapter is john’s pov, second chapter is sam’s pov.  i cannot recommend this one enough !!  when i imagine what sam and dean’s childhood was like, this is the first fic that comes to mind.

on vessels by flightsofangels (Not Rated, 1.9k)

head in my hands this fic has everything - trans dean, cas loving dean like worship, like dean is god, cas wanting to possess dean as the only way he can process his feelings,,,

dean character studies

Formal and Shining and Complete by pollutedstar (T, 3.2k)

dean and his intelligence, and how he and his intelligence is perceived and treated by other people

Blessed Are Those Who Hunger by pollutedstar (T, 3.6k)

dean and his complicated relationship with food

we’ll find a new home by sleepyvan (G, 7.8k)

“After Cas comes home, Dean starts cooking like crazy. He thinks he might be compensating for something.”

endverse

Epilogue by Jayne L (E, 27k)

endverse cas gets sent back in time to 2009

to think that we could stay the same by cipherwriter (T, 6.5k)

“cas has all he needs; himself, his creation, and enough power to continue this cycle for a long time. he's fine. dean wants to take care of him anyway.“ or, the bedlund cockroach fic

weednatural

you and me in the war of the end times by stickthelanding (E, 4.8k)

dean and cas and weed over the years (yes cas does start growing weed in the bunker)

untitled by tumblr user perlukafarinn (nsfw, 433)

AU where dean and cas are both hunters who occasionally work together and also hook up

ex-angel of grass and group sex by @goodbi-bitch (M, 3.3k)

thee endverse shotgunning fic

au’s

Departure Strategy by  choranaptyxic and emmbrancsxx0 (E, 39k)

“Castiel works for the Departure Network, a semi-legal organization dealing in assisted suicides for the terminally ill. When he’s put on Mary Winchester’s case, he meets Dean and Sam. Dean hates Mary’s decision to follow through with the plan and, by extension, hates Castiel. But, as the two get to know each other, something begins to grow between them, and Castiel finds himself breaking the first rule of his job: Don’t get attached.“

Four Letter Word For Intercourse by bendingsignpost

i probably wouldn’t have read this if everyone hadn’t gone through a phase of being obsessed with it but it is actually that good.  i mean it’s both dean getting therapized via phone sex and also a uni au, what’s not to like?

if u have any recs that might fit in these categories......send them over pls & thank u