#for specific context for today-

[patrice-bergerons]

At times I am taken by the urge to append a three page disclosures appendix to any tumblr post I make, rather like an equity analyst report, as every time I think ah, this is such common sense/basic tumblr etiquette I don't need to explicitly specify, multiple blogs come out of the woodwork to prove me wrong 🫠

[uhbasicallyjustmilex]

i am almost thirty years old. why must i still be plagued by the perpetual and unshakeable belief that everyone secretly dislikes me

[icewindandboringhorror]

indeed my exact process once every 8 months or so

[wackywatchdotcom]

Rewatching episode one, I noticed that when Ragatha and Jax are talking to each other about Jax having a key, Pomni flinches away from, and lifts her arms to protect her face and head, when Jax toys with the key and catches it near her.

I wonder if she is that jumpy around others normally or if it's just when she's in a stressful situation (like suddenly being trapped in the circus) what do you think?

OK. ok. you mention this. and ive never said anything about it but i have genuinely noticed this almost every time ive seen that scene. i think about it a LOT but i havent been able to figure out my thoughts on it. but i think about it genuinely a LOT...

(i went on a huge tangent abt her thats like. only sporadically related to this specific moment SORRY. it was hard to address this moment without discussing a LOT about her i feel)

for the sake of clarity in the event someone reading this is unfamiliar, what this ask is referring to is this:

with the way that she so quickly dissociates and HARD (not that most people Never experience dissociation or smth, but its the intensity of it and how quick into this situation she starts dissociating is like. it makes it seem like its smth her body and mind are Used To Doing) she REALLY gives off the feeling that she had pre-existing mental health problems (i struggle to place anything TOO specific with the limited information we have but i feel like theres definitely a few things she has going on) before she even got to the circus, and like she COULD just be a naturally jumpy person, but with the dissociation thing and general distrust towards others, it feels like her jumpiness is also related to these issues

while her being naturally nervous is sort of implied and clear (though i think the extent of it is exaggerated by the circumstances of the pilot in particular) there ARE a few other examples that stand out to me

i THINK this can largely be passed off as her just being on edge from the horror adventure, but i this is IS notable that she reacts genuinely pretty strongly to what is a relatively minor 'jumpscare.' it happens later too w kinger pressing the tape recorder

in general she seems VERY easily startled by people, and frankly it reads a lot like it stems more from people being near her than just things happening abruptly. she notably doesnt jump hard when the angel arrives- she DOES get scared, but she isnt necessarily startled. she DOES react very strongly to ghostly, but i think its notable that she seems to find his visual appearance frightening and debatably not necessarily startling, but thats not really 100%. the times she reacts the strongest have to do with people, which imo ties HARD into her not trusting people

episode 2 breaks down her distrust of people well, and i dont think its a self consciousness thing. it seems more that she just doesnt tend to find people trustworthy- if something bad was happening to her, she would sooner assume theyd let it happen rather than help her. it could be argued that its partially a guilt or projection thing with ragatha, but im not actually so sure. pomni seems to be ashamed of leaving her behind, but particularly through ep 2 she doesnt seemed Plagued With Guilt by the way she acts towards ragatha, which implies that the dream didnt have to do with her projecting that shame in a way shed assume ragatha would turn back on her, too

it instead seems to be that she doesnt trust ragatha just... in general. the 'im not a child' thing, while a legitimate problem for pomni to have with ragatha (i love ragatha, and from my place in the audience i know her concern is genuine, and that she truly wants to encourage pomni, and is trying, but from the perspective of people around ragatha, its not an unreasonable assumption that shes JUST being infantilizing and belittling), does illuminate how pomni is seeing ragathas attempts at cheering her up- that it comes from a place of seeing pomni as immature or generally unstable. that pomni is incapable of managing herself and needs to be coaxed. it implies pomni doesnt see ragathas attempts at help as genuine. combined with her dream, that ragatha would allow the worst to happen to her even when she was asking for help, makes it very clear that, even with the 'nicest' person in the circus, pomni just... doesnt really trust her

(it is worth noting that pomni DOES seem to genuinely want to help ragatha in the pilot. she DID try to find caine. but she bolts at the first opportunity. she does care about people, but when stressed, she operates on keeping herself safe first and foremost, that she needs to do anything to get out of a bad situation even if that means leaving someone behind- and with her dream, it does seem that she generally assumes other people operate similarly, or otherwise in their own best interest)

this does, of course, improve by the end of eps 2 and 3. the funeral, and ragatha offering to include her, and how the others talk about abstracted players (combined with her conversation with gummigoo, someone who she has to assure has genuine friendships with those around him despite the lack of a true reality for them to be based upon), are able to convey that oh, these people do actually care about the people around them. theyre being genuine. they arent just looking out for themselves and thats it- they care when bad things happen to each other. and theres no true reason for me to be an exception. which is ALSO why i dont think its a self consciousness thing, she seems able to reason that shes not an exception to the intents of others, so much that when she cant assure herself that others' intents hold her safety as any sort of priority as well, any trust goes out the window. she WANTS to help if she can, but esp in the pilot, as far as shes concerned, its everyone for themself when shit gets bad, including herself

ep 3, she seems more trusting of ragatha- she has neutral and positive interactions w her, rather than assuming a lack of sincerity in it. but its not just ragatha, actually, because even before her talk with him, you can see it in how she interacts with kinger as well

she initially tries to help him run, which isnt too out there- with how she genuinely DID initially try to help ragatha, it doesnt require her to go out of her way to grab him and RUN. she can run AND take him with her. she can help without putting herself in extra danger. but then she DOES go back, which is one of my favorite and imo underrated pomni moments. because THIS is what i think actually highlights an improvement in how she sees the others before her apologizing to ragatha or taking kingers hand. because she puts herself BACK into (percieved, since its not actual sure WHAT the angels intentions were her) danger in order to get kinger away too

(theres probably a case to be made that ragatha didnt seem to be in immediate danger- she was in pain, that much was clear, but kaufmo had ran away by then. but even still, pomni couldnt have known kaufmo would shift gears and start chasing her instead of ragatha that first time. and i dont know if she actually knew death wasnt possible here yet. which isnt very flattering for pomni but also people do not act in flattering ways under extreme stress, esp given a predisposition to not trusting others, which ill elaborate more on in a second here- not that pomnis abandonment was ok OR that it was like evil of her or smth. shes just a person. there is no way she was prepared to know how to act correctly in this situation, and she didnt)

theres also this

which is SUBTLE but highlights a genuine increase in trust even before their heart to heart. now that she knows the cast (save for jax, who she seems to react to the harshest, which is worth noting imo) are not acting solely in their own best interest, that they WILL consider the wellbeing of those around them including her, that their concern for one another is genuine (which is concerning that she even assumes that to begin with, which ill circle back to momentarily), she very clearly has way more faith in them and the idea that she should stick around the others for safety

and of course, ive said it before, but her taking kingers hand has little to do with her enjoying holding hands. its her knowing that, if kingers wrong, this is going to end very, very badly. if holding their breath isnt the solution theyre BOTH going to get possessed, and who knows how theyd get out of that situation. but she decides in that moment that her trust in the others isnt ONLY about looking out for them and believing that theyre sincere in their concern for her. but that she is willing to let the others put her at a potential massive risk. getting possessed was a blatantly immediately traumatic experience- and she lets kinger put her at risk of it happening again. THATS why she holds his hand, at least symbolically. she doesnt like contact. but she can brave something that she doesnt like, she can let him lead her into and through something potentially horrific, because shes deciding to trust him and the others, that theyre not just people she can interact with without fear of ill intentions, but that theyre people who she is going to coexist with. the best thing she can do for herself and the others is trust them and work with them actively

anyway that got off-track, the point being that her having to have these ideas instilled in her at all through shared experiences and trauma implies that, while these issues with distrust may have been exacerbated by the stress of everything, they didnt come from nowhere. these are problems she likely already had to some degree. its great that theres been improvement but that improvement directly implies thesse were improvements that needed to be made to begin with. and the fact that the person she gets repeatedly most startled by is jax. who, even with episode 2, she explicitly doesnt trust. in the pilot, at least, her distrust is more vague (i think the dream sequence in ep 2 IS what highlights it best) so her flinching from jax can be passed off as related to a general lack of adjustment to the new environment and situation shes in. but it happens again with jax in episode 3 (and, notably, she pauses afterwards but it takes a moment for her to relax even knowing its just jax), after shes adjusted somewhat, and after shes gained some trust with everyone except for jax (given his absence from the scene at the end of ep 2). it also happens when barons voice plays abruptly next to her

point being that imo, she IS naturally jumpy. she says herself that she doesnt handle jumpscares well, which somewhat implies this even outside of the circumstances of the circus. but with how she reacts to things, it feels like her general jumpiness is far, far worse when it comes to people she doesnt trust (be it because jax is Like That, or because shes not familiar with baron). the way i see it, then, her distrust extends to perceiving physical threats easily around people she hasnt ensured are safe to be around. she IS able to gain this trust in people, but she seems to automatically place the intents of others as being Potentially Unsafe from the jump, especially under stress. she can jump back from it fairly quickly for what its worth, but to be honest, it seems more like she operates on some general, everpresent level of hypervigilance thats just sometimes worse based on the situation

and frankly i dont think we know enough about her as of ep 4 to fully determine if there IS a reason for this. because someone can have a reason to be this jumpy around others, or they can just... be nervous and dislike people moving suddenly near them. combined with the dissociation thing, though, im inclined to think the circus did not cause this, just made it more extreme with more unpleasant stakes. there is hardly any time between her entering the circus and this happening. she hadnt even seen kaufmo yet in that very first example, but she was already on alert for a physical threat, and i just. i think about it all the time...

i think the main takeaway from all of this is that i think she isnt necessarily jumpy like that all the time, but i think trust is not a given with pomni, and her jumpiness massively depends on how much she trusts people near her and the situation shes in to not be a physical threat to her. its definitely worse in the circus, but i think it was probably still something present in a different context in the real world, too

[magical-girl-hell]

[nnnn99999]

I love the music.

Pat continues to prove that he is, in fact, a husky.

PatPran are such idiots. I love them.

Product placement done right.

Fun fact about me nobody asked for-I tend to notice people's appearances only after I start to like them in some way. Now that I am really starting to like Nanon I noticed how cute his dimples are. I don't need to talk about Ohm. He had me down with his Pat walk.

As an avid believer of love over time, I am thriving.

"Your girly voice doesn't suit that big body" I beg to disagree. I think that voice suits him perfectly.

Boys being idiots. This just might become my slogan for this show.

[m-siecle]

realising I have a blind spot in my socialisation skills at 30something... hmmmmmm what curious creatures we people are

[vampiric-fangirl]

okay i want to take a minute to talk about the exact way in which i think lute hates herself because i don't think i really have yet.

(this one ended up pretty long so i'm going to put it under a cut.)

the blueprint (and part of it) is her exact flavor of internalized misogyny. she's a pick-me girl - any woman with even just an amicable relationship with adam is some level of that by default and lute goes the extra mile. and, according to my understanding of the subject, the pick-me girl is characterized by her hatred of women despite being a woman herself and, as a result, desperately trying to distance herself from her idea of shameful femininity and mocking women who don't, often for the purpose (whether conscious or not) of being accepted or given attention by misogynistic men. the pick-me girl forces herself to be a certain way, perhaps a way she didn't really want to be in the first place, because she wants to be able to love herself and be loved in a patriarchal system and doesn't have the awareness or the willpower to fight it. she hates what she is, hates herself, but warps herself and her view of herself and others to escape it.

now i'd like to argue an extension of this principle when it comes to heaven vs. hell.

the storybook opening, regardless of how biased its author may have been as so many people in this fandom like to argue (and they do have a point but some of them take it too far and use it as an excuse to ignore - not the point), presents a clear theme: heaven represents order and obedience while hell represents chaos and freedom. lucifer and lilith are "rebellious dreamers". however, with the way the conflict between adam and lilith is presented, gender is woven into this dichotomy as well. heaven is the patriarchy; hell is the feminist rebellion against it.

(queerness could probably also be incorporated into this model as well, but. this is already an entire fucking essay and it's not extremely relevant to the topic at hand. but it does mean a homophobic homosexual lute would track.)

with this added context, adam and lute hating hell as vehemently as they do - especially with the subtle differences in the way they each do - can be read as, at least to a certain extent, a symbolic + abstract representation of their misogyny.

(something important to note here and maybe something that i just want to talk about, also, is the way vaggie embraces femininity after falling. after falling, she can finally be feminine in the way she want to, not the objectifying and restrictive way that was forced upon her as an exorcist. after what may have been years of healing and encouragement from charlie, she wears a giant puffy bow and does not give a damn. and it's beautiful and i love her for it and i love her so much and - oops got sidetracked there. basically: hell allowed vaggie to express her gender freely. heaven did not. patriarchy. freedom. big bow. pretty woman. i bow and walk off stage.)

and you can kind of see something similar to her internalized misogyny in her hatred of hell. i mean, it is, of course, not a 1:1 comparison given she actually IS an angel, but some elements persist. there is still that desperation to distance herself, even at the cost of basic reasoning ("Angels don't make mistakes"). there is still that forcing herself to be a certain way. there is still that warping of her view of herself and others to escape her self-hatred - or maybe, in this case, a more accurate way to put it would be: to escape her self-hatred-inflicting-guilt and the doubt threatening her unfathomably thick defenses against that guilt. there is still that apparent fight for male - or, in this version of the conflict, angelic - attention, specifically from adam.

(side note 2. a lot of the comparisons i drew here also are/related to stuff characteristic of many cults, which the exorcists - at least as far as the mental and emotional effect on the members goes - functionally are. maybe there is something to be learned there, about the intersection of cults and misogyny/sexism. maybe not. i don't know actually sometimes i straight up have no idea what i'm taking about.)

although, this method of analyzing lute only REALLY gets interesting when you look at her hatred of vaggie with it. vaggie, who was an angel - just like lute is! - once, but is now fallen (for daring to step outside the violent orders that police them, another thing that's mere possibility terrifies lute) - just like lute could be! vaggie, who is happy in hell. who is happy being all of the things lute hates, from perhaps both a heaven vs. hell perspective AND a gender perspective. (and possibly a sexuality perspective too.) and if it is not only possible for an angel to be like this - hellish, and perhaps more importantly FREE - but also for an angel to be HAPPY like this, then. that's fucking horrifying! so she of course doubles down on her hatred and tries to maim/kill vaggie. so that she never has to face this - the reality that the hatred she is consumed by could so easily include herself. that maybe it already does.

and THAT'S why she begs to be killed when she loses the fight in ep. 8, i think. it's a combination of two things: 1. she does not want to face reality and 2. she hates herself. (also she has self-worth issues. did i mention she has self-worth issues? yeah she has self-worth issues. at least when it comes to her compared to adam. natural consequence of being a loyal follower and dedicated lieutenant of someone like him. her self-hatred and self-worth issues are thoroughly intertwined, though, just like vaggie's are.)

that's also why she just fucking. tears off her arm as soon as vaggie leaves, too. she does not care about physical pain or keeping all of her limbs attached, she is far too wrapped up in a. trying to preserve her intensely unhealthy mental state by Not Thinking About Things b. wanting to sacrifice herself in some way, even if it's just losing a limb, because of said mental state c. trying to get to vaggie so she can kill her and be rid of this plague on her conscience d. trying to get to adam too so she can fulfill her desperate (after?)lifelong mission to be of service to him to fill the void inside her caused by her deeply repressed doubt and inner conflict. probably? but then again i'm just a fallenwings girl at heart so idk honestly.

tl;dr: lute hates herself. she makes herself perfect in the way she understands perfection to avoid this. after that, she shoves her hate onto others to distract herself from her own internal conflict and, in some cases (vaggie), she hates others (vaggie) because they (vaggie) exhibit the traits she hates that she has driven out from herself. (although, despite my fixation on fallenwings, this probably extends to other exorcists showing weakness/making mistakes in general.) finally, she works feverishly for approval to reassure her of her place in the grand scheme of things from the man whom she, for reasons brought about by her blind, unquestioning efforts to cling to the version of right and wrong forced upon her and that she has also forced upon herself, views as the paragon of everything she strives for: adam.

she does not fight the system. she breaks herself apart to fit into and work for it.

[mylove-thresher]

today was fire fr fr

[azmydeus]

happy birthday mr mothimuscpuington

[chiropteracupola]

puella adiuva my class-readings are getting in my fic-writing again...

[spencer-is-someone]

ever consider your take might be antithetical to the actual text??

[mhizzberry]

[Edited on 12/08/23 at 3:15 PM, GMT +8, to add more context]

looks like we have our answer on whether or not Critical Role (and Critical Role Foundation) intends to do anything in support of Palestine. You know, the country that Marquet was inspired from.

Also adding these to give more context and explanation why fans are disappointed on CR's silence on the issue:

[EDIT: 01/29/2024; 11:25 AM GMT+8]

UPDATE: Critical Role Foundation posted that they sent donations to the organizations "World Central Kitchen" and "Save The Children US", in support of the ongoing humanitarian crisis in Gaza. They have also declared #CeasefireNow! [link to post]

[melishade]

The U.S. government to me today regarding my health insurance coverage:

[corvidaecollectibles]

FUCK AI

/nonconstructive

[real-live-human]

On Death, the Soul, and the Sky III

Arluk is good.

Arluk is tired. Gods, they're tired. They shouldn't be, really. It's barely afternoon, clearing the second floor takes the party less than a couple hours at this point. But as they step back through the gateway from the lich's lair into the Café Acaria, they just feel exhausted. Some of the others make their way to the bar for a drink or a bite to eat, but Arluk doesn't have much stomach for City food these days. They squint. The lights inside seem brighter, harsher, than usual. They continue walking past the bar and head for the bathroom. As they shut the door behind them, the light is blocked almost completely out, leaving the room in near-pitch darkness. They breathe a sigh of relief as they slump heavily onto the couch — they had never bothered to ask why Cadenza put a couch in the bathroom, but they certainly aren't complaining now. They close their eyes for just a moment. The others will probably take an hour or so to rest up as well before heading back in, and they haven't felt this weary in a while.

To be honest, they hadn't really let themself just stop to take stock of things in a few weeks. Not after... all the weird things that had been happening. Those restless ghosts they had somehow managed to disperse twice now, the shield, not to mention the magic that had started manifesting almost without them realising it? If they didn't know better, they might almost... but no. The last time they let themself think like that, they nearly killed two of the party. It's got to be something else, the Citadel is just messing with them. Best to just keep... moving forward. Wherever that is, anymore.

They shift uneasily as a draught of cold air wafts over them. Their ears flick in annoyance as they register the disturbance. Where would a breeze even be coming from? They open their eyes to see that the door has drifted open — and yet, the bar outside is dark and quiet. They can just barely make out a small, dark shape among the empty chairs and tables. They go to get up, before remembering just how exhausted they are. The weight of their armour and the shield strapped to their back — they hadn't thought to take them off earlier, it's rarely worth the hassle between floors — feel like they must weigh ten times as much as usual. They look up to see the dark silhouette still in place, as if observing them. Their fur bristles in frustration as they remain pinned in place. If they could just get up and out of this stupid armour, th

Phulfph!

The first thing they register is the silence being suddenly broken by the sound of fifty pounds of steel clattering down onto the stone floor. It's closely followed by a sudden lightness in their body, and an adrenaline rush of confusion. Without thinking, they find themself scrabbling and twisting around trying to wrest themself free of the sudden tangle of equipment all around them. After a moment they're clear, kicking the heavy chestplate free of their hind legs — and the third realisation hits. They scramble a short distance away on four awkward legs, as a mane starts to bristle all the way down their back. For a moment the room itself looks foreign, as they realise they're viewing it from less than half their usual height. A moment later, they sense the shadowy presence silently moving away, and they turn to follow it. Without thinking, they go to call something out, but all that they manage is a harsh whooping call.

They catch sight of the silhouette vanishing up the stairs towards the front door, and pause a moment. A part of them balks at the thought of running out into the street like this. But the rest is too caught up in the moment to bother deliberating for long, and they bound up the stairs after their quarry. The long, loping gait of a quadruped that had seemed so alien a moment ago becomes natural within seconds, and they practically fly out onto the City streets. The night is moonless, but the stars shine brilliantly and provide ample light to see by. The streets are empty, the windows around them dark and silent. They catch a glimpse of the shadowy figure, a silhoutte of darkness on darkness, disappearing around a corner, and give chase. This continues for some time, how long they don't think to keep track of, and the brisk night air whips through their fur and whistles in their ears.

Eventually, they round one final corner and suddenly find themself on the outskirts of the City. Ahead of them, a ridge slopes down into the distance, where they can faintly see starlight reflecting off of the Glass on the horizon. Their ears go back and they scramble to a stop at the sight of it. A moment passes before they become aware of a presence beside them. There, seated atop a low wall, is the figure they had been chasing. Its silhouette is clearer now, outlined against the night sky. A cat, its eyes two soft circles of yellow light. Again, Arluk goes to say something, but only an inquisitive groan comes out, and their tail flicks as the annoyance with their predicament comes back. The cat tilts its head at them, and they get the sense of being scrutinised, although for whatever reason they feel no apprehension of it. The cat hops down from its perch and pads a slow, wide circle around them as the night breeze stirs gently. Curious, they lower their snout and sniff at the cat as it passes in front of them. Its scent is... familiar somehow, but they can't place what exactly. Do they know it? It pauses, and they register amusement from it.

I expect so, yes.

They start back, the hair on their mane and tail suddenly rising. The cat continues to stare at them unblinking, but despite their surprise, they feel no threat from it. If anything, the cat actually seems to be the one concerned.

It's been too long.

They freeze as the pieces finally begin to fit together in their mind. Is... no, this can't really be happening. They came to that conclusion weeks ago. If they let themself believe this again, it'll just- the train of thought is disrupted by a small paw lightly smacking their snout.

Did you think I would leave a child of Rocu?

Arluk blinks, sitting back on their haunches as the Cat watches them, head tilted in curiosity. Their mind spins. If this is real, then- then everything they had told themself for the last months, that they had been so convinced of... they hadn't been able to dream, but here they are now. The breeze blows through their fur, the chill of it oddly comforting. For once, Arluk is somewhat glad to be deprived of the ability to speak, as they find themself at a loss for words. The Cat purrs softly.

You are not easy to find, but I do not abandon my own. Not for something as small as death. Remember this, ohkay?

Arluk grunts a quiet affirmative. The Cat blinks, and they return the gesture. As they open their eyes again, they are startled by a knocking sound and a sudden rush of brilliant light. Jolting up in a clattering of plate armour, they blink their eyes clear to see the bathroom door has opened, letting in the flood of light from the bar outside. "If you're quite done in here, defender, we're-" Kotone stops in the doorway and just stares at them for a beat, evidently at a rare loss for words.

Arluk quickly wipes their eyes, which they're sure are just watering from the light. "You were- uh, we mean, we're-" they realise their voice is uncharacteristically shaky and cut themself off by clearing their throat. "We'll, uh, be out in a second."

Kotone just nods, curiosity clear on her face, but turns and heads back towards the bar. Arluk leans forward on the couch, attempting to regain some semblance of their usual demeanour. Figuring out what had just happened could wait until... no, they're not doing that again. They know full well what that was. They take a deep breath in and out to steady themself, and pull themself up from the couch. Funny, the armour seems lighter now. With a small grin to themself, they hope they never have to admit to Kotone's face that she had been right.