#for the record i am not 'concerned' about someone loving their favourite team

[travisdermotts]

I think the only thing more embarrassing than sending anon hate about a mutual is forgetting to turn on anon and sending two asks back to back

[neutron-stars-collision]

The Art of Inversion

Neil x Reader

Chapter 19 - Holy Ground

Masterlist; Chapter 18

Summary: In the days before the mission in Tallinn, you and Neil have a few conversations to clear the air of doubts. Only, the mission itself proves to be a disruption...

Warnings: Swearing; mild violence.

Author’s Notes: Here we go, my favourite mission (and favourite Neil outfit too). This is only part one of the Tallinn action because so much happens... as you’ll see. I’m sorry. I really am. Hope you enjoy and please leave me feedback if you feel like it!

Song mentioned is: ‘Holy Ground’ by Within Temptation (I’ll share it in a post later but basically listen to it after reading and you’ll know why I’m obsessed)

Edit is courtesy of my amazing friend @sh3tani​ once again (ilysm and thanks for everything 💕)

The upcoming days were busy. You have been assigned the task of getting hold of some of the vehicles and artillery TP wanted for the heist in Tallinn. It was difficult, not only because it is actually rather hard to acquire a fire truck with no records left from the transaction, but also because you barely had any clue what you were actually doing. And so, most of the time, you were sat at the dining table in the flat, calling various shady people Neil gave you contacts to. Sometimes, a tea would appear in front of you, courtesy of the other team members thoroughly apologizing for how they handled the ‘alley situation’.

It seemed like your late-night walk and the cold treatment you gave everyone (including Neil) for the next 24 hours afterward worked. The jokes have ended, and contrition took their place, usually in the form of extreme helpfulness, random acts of kindness, and, in Neil’s case, a break from teasing. At least for a short while.

The only development you were not so sure of was the fact that the whole team decided to label your relationship. Not just any label but dating, verging on a couple. And that was rather terrifying. It struck you especially the night before when you have minded your own business in the kitchen. Watching over the pasta boiling on the stove, you listened to the plans made by Ives. He was trying to settle on the best way to track Neil during the heist when he suddenly turned to you with a question:

“Has your boyfriend told you what kind of car they are going for in the end?” the neutral tone made you skim over the term at first.

But then your brain caught up. What?! You almost toppled over the whole pot of pasta onto the floor when trying to drain it. Fuck. Ives was staring at you quizzically, as though confused about your current state.

“I… Who?” you stammered out the question, knowing it will only make everything worse.

“Neil” Ives grinned, “Unless you’ve gone for an open relationship and there’s another boyfriend involved”

“Christ, please stop” sighing, you tried to calm down just enough to function “I believe he’s going for a BMW, don’t know what series but something fast enough just in case there was a chase” triumphantly, you poured the sauce over the noodles.

“I’ll need to give him a call about it” Ives smacked his tongue thoughtfully.

“Feel free” using the opportunity, you grabbed the cutlery and escaped into your room.

Boyfriend? Now that was something to cause anxiety. Because despite everything that happened, all the things you have told Neil and got in return, you had no clue what you were supposed to be. Not really. Yes, sometimes you let yourself entertain the idea that maybe you were together, maybe he was your lover. But… was he? Could he ever be that?

With those thoughts occupying your mind, you only managed to last until afternoon the next day before giving in. After failing to contact a car dealer for the fifth time and realising that you have completely messed up the route plan due to forgetting about important details, you closed the laptop. It was hard to think when all your brain did was give reasons for why Neil would never actually want to be with you. To summarise: you were not enough, naïve, hopeless, and dumb enough to think that someone this incredible could think about you seriously. Stifling the sudden desire to breakdown and give up on everything, you dialed his number. He picked up almost instantly.

“Yes, my love?” your heart clenched at the nickname.

“Hi… um… Do you have a moment?” you cringed at the awkwardness.

“For you? Always”

Maybe, on another day, that would have made you smile. But that was not that kind of a day.

“Neil, I’m serious,” sighing, you rested your head on the cold wall behind your bed.

“What’s wrong?” his tone switched from playful to concerned.

Okay… now there’s no turning back.

“I’ve just been thinking...” you started, debating on the best way to breach the topic.

“Oh no”

Damn him. You cracked a small smile, knowing that was the intention. You could almost picture him at this moment, sat in some absolutely strange position in the armchair, nothing but long legs and ruffled hair. You did have it pretty bad.

“Shut up” you took a deep breath and blurted out “It’s probably stupid, and feel free to ignore this but... what even are we?”

There it is. Your whole existence hanged on his reply. But, of course, Neil needed more clarification than that…

“How do you mean?” his careful tone made your heart rate elevate.

The result was a string of sentences you shot out with the speed of a machine gun.

“Because everyone here assumes we’re dating. And Ives called you my boyfriend last night, and I don’t... I don’t know if that’s what’s going on and-”

“Okay, calm down,” he interrupted your rant “Take a deep breath” he waited until he could hear you exhale to continue “What do you want this to be? Because we’re the only people who have a say about it” the diplomatic tone made you frown.

But then maybe he just wanted to get your point of view before saying anything substantial… Trouble was you had no clue. Picking on a loose thread on your sweater, you sighed:

“I don’t know” maybe this was the right time to give him another piece of mind?  “I always hated labels because when you name something, it becomes real” you admitted, letting yourself slide down onto the pillows.

Nothing could hurt you there. Apart from potential rejection from the likely love of your life. Basically, fml, as the kids say.

“What about good things?” his question caught you off guard.

“Well, yeah, but… once there’s a couple, then there can be a break-up” the insecurity had an answer for that too.

Your cheeks heated up upon saying the word. Because even that felt like a step too far. Like maybe you were clingy. Obnoxious. Someone he could want to get rid of as quickly as possible. Before you decided to back out of the conversation, he replied:

“That’s a rather bleak way of looking at things” it was still that thoughtful tone.

A burden then.

“I know” you groaned, frustrated with yourself.

But the next thing he said was rather surprising…

“I’ll need to work on making you more optimistic. Not because I don’t like you the way you are, but because I want you to realise how wrong you are sometimes” the conviction and practical implications of the statement made you speechless.

The future tense. The admission that he did like you, with your countless issues and overbearing anxiety. It couldn’t be, could it? Neil took your stunned silence as permission to say more:

“From my side, let me say that dating doesn’t quite cut it because it implies not being sure... And…” despite yourself, your ears perked up, wanting to know what he meant.

“Yeah?” you prodded, trying to toe that precarious line between curiosity and fear of rejection.

“I’m not really in the trial stages anymore. Don’t think I’ve ever been” he clearly wanted to tell you more but was holding back.

Maybe it was for the better. Before you could think about a response to that, Neil added:

“Basically, we don’t have to use any labels. We’re just us” the simplicity of that statement broke through your resolve, making tears well up “Me and you. We know best what that implies and no one else matters” quietly, you sobbed, and he laughed before choosing to put that final nail in the metaphorical coffin “You’re my love, and that’s the only nickname I need” Neil sounded happy, as though despite your worries, he wanted to say that “I can be your idiot, as long as I’m yours” the punchline came with an audible smug smile.

Oh my god. You laughed, with tears still silently falling down your cheeks and heart hammering in your chest. He was impossible. Absolutely impossible. Suddenly asking that crucial question was not that scary. Because maybe today was the day when would tell you, without alcohol or worries prompting the confession. Taking the plunge, you spoke:

“Neil, do you-”

“Yes, I do,” he interrupted you with an answer.

“I haven’t even asked the question” you frowned, unsure whether that kind of an answer was better than a confession.

Because, yes, he already said it once (almost twice), but both those have been anything but thoughtful. And your ever doubting brain was quick to use that fact against you.

“But I know the answer” he sounded certain.

Perhaps too certain.

“Why?”

“Because I don’t want to tell you over the phone” Neil sighed heavily on the other end “Listen, I have to go… but call me or text if you need to talk” he hesitated before adding, “No matter what I want you to remember what I said that night in London”

Oh… It was the first time any of you brought it up. You just assumed it was one of the things that just slipped out in an unguarded moment. You wanted it to be true, but then that was too risky. But maybe not…?

“I heard you” you whispered despite being alone in the room.

“I know” you could picture the soft smile he sometimes gave you “Goodbye, my love. Good luck with work” at the reminder of the piles of papers still waiting, you groaned, causing him to laugh.

“Will be needed since what you’ve assigned me is close to impossible” the change of the topic was dearly welcomed.

Grabbing the laptop again, you opened it up and felt all the motivation dissolve upon the sight of the route waiting to be planned. Coffee will be needed. And maybe whiskey too.

“I believe in you,” Neil broke your brooding with a comment, “And it’s not really me who assigned it” you rolled your eyes.

“Yeah, yeah. Bye, idiot” unable to stop the grin on your face, you ended the call.

So maybe it was worth calling… Even if only to learn that he was in fact yours. And that he did not mind your insecurity or moments of anxiety. Maybe all this had some more potential than heartbreak and tragedy? Ignoring all the thoughts, you focused on the workload. After all, someone had to get all those bloody vehicles on time for the boys to play with.

*** The closer it got to the day, you could feel the tensions rising within the team. Partially it was your own fault and the fact that you were nervous. The plan was vague enough. What you and Ives’ squad knew was that TP intended to take over the plutonium 241 on the move, specifically on the highway leading out of the city. For some reason, he needed a fire truck and a firefighter suit for that. You had no clue why, but you blamed it on the boyish dreams of being a firefighter. Sure they all had those.

Neil was simply the designated driver and mission coordinator, and you hoped that meant he would stay out of harm. As much as that was possible for an idiot like him. You were not allowed to meet to stop TP from getting suspicious, and so all you could do was rely on texts and daily phone calls to keep you from going insane. The downside of the situation was that you could not slap Neil when he said questionable things. Examples being referring to the heist car as sexy (“And what if I told that it’s not the BMW that’s sexy?” “I’d be flattered”) and calling you his girlfriend on the call with Ives. That second incident resulted in the squad leader acting all smug because he apparently ‘figured it all out’. He did not, but who were you to prove him wrong.

And so, you perfected the plan, finished all the assigned tasks, and waited on instructions concerning the day of the mission. When they came, the message was simple – sit on your assess and wait, just in case the Cavalry was needed. You did not specifically like that ‘waiting’ part. Especially since Ives began insisting that you do not actually join them in the field. In his mind, the safest place for you was the flat. Not being a part of the squad and not having enough experience were the main factors acting against you. And you hated the fact that he was right. That is until the evening before the mission when an unexpected text from TP came. You were busy trying to understand the rules of a strange competition show on the television when your phone buzzed. Expecting something nonsensical from Neil, you picked it up instantly. Only to get shocked by the number on display. The message was straightforward:

“Join the squad in the field in Tallinn. You must be there”

Right… When you were asking the universe for help, you did not expect that. But it was better than nothing.

Without a further ado, you got up and wandered over to Ives, who was sat with Wheeler and Michael at the table. Upon your approach, the Brit looked up:

“Don’t tell me you’ve got some last-minute changes from Neil” his blue eyes were hazed with concern.

“No, I’ve got something better” you passed him the phone and waited for a response.

The widened stare and arched eyebrow was the initial reaction.

“He wouldn’t have sent if it wasn’t important” you added, hoping to win the case.

“I don’t get it” Ives sighed heavily, leaning back in the chair.

He glanced at Michael, who nodded and left the room. You just assumed that the discussion was not meant for any ordinary squad member.

“Apologies for my language, but you’re not a bloody soldier, and it might get rough out there” Ives spoke up again after a beat “And I don’t want to fucking worry about your safety amidst all the other mess” he met your gaze warily.

It was a little embarrassing to be considered a burden. You flinched internally before trying another approach.

“I know, but Neil might need me” as soon as you said the words, Ives scowled.

Of course, that just sounded like a lovesick teenager fighting for a hopeless case. And you hated that. But his very next words triggered the remains of resolve.

“Frankly, darling-”

You broke into a laugh, knowing the quotation well.

“I swear, if you quote Gone with the Wind right now, I’ll do something stupid” as a warning, you grabbed hold of the knife lying on the table, making Wheeler snicker quietly “Please, let me go out there. I can track his GPS signal or something. And well, you know that I’ve got a good aim. It might count for something” pleading was not your forte either but at the end of the speech, Ives’ gaze softened.

Maybe? He sighed once again before leaning his forehead on the folded forearms on the table.

“If you get hurt, he’ll kill me” he muttered gloomily.

“You’re exaggerating” you bit back a dry chuckle.

“No, he’s not” your head snapped up at the sound of Wheeler’s voice “But I’ve got to back you here if TP sent that text, then it’s probably important” she looked at you with a small smile.

“Thank you” you grinned back, grateful for the support.

With the days spent among men almost exclusively, Wheeler’s company meant a lot. Soon she became the only person you were willing to discuss your worries with. Because she was not keen on cracking dumb jokes about your relationship and asked questions that did not only concern Neil. And that was a welcomed change.

“You really need to be careful though, because Neil cares about you. Which probably makes you the most important person on this squad” her voice broke through your thoughts.

You knew she meant well, but the statement still made your cheeks heat up. Because did he really care?

“Don’t. You’re making me all flustered” deciding you’ve had enough of the awkwardness you got up to fix a tea.

“Well, I’m only speaking the truth here” turning back to the table, you saw Wheeler shrug “The physics boy took his fancy upon you, and that’s no funny business” she grinned at your perplexed expression.

Briefly, you glanced at Ives, who seemed to have given up on fighting with you and instead was listening in to the conversation with a neutral facial expression. The kettle boiling was your cue to respond:

“Great” semi-aggressively, you threw the tea bag into the mug poured the water “Did he though?” you asked, not even looking at them or expecting an answer.

“Yep,” Wheeler stood up and gave you a quick reassuring shoulder squeeze.

“I’ve never seen him like this before” Ives added once you turned to face him again.

That tea could not brew any longer…

“Not even with…” you hesitated before adding quietly, “Alex?”

“Not quite,” the man gave you an enigmatic smile, only increasing your frustration “You’ve convinced me though. You’re coming with us. Just please, for the sake of my sanity, be careful out there” you resisted the urge to jump up in relief “Because I’d rather not deal with an angry Neil. He’s a pain in the ass enough” Ives added darkly before getting up and joining you by the kitchen counter.

Smiling, you finished the tea.

“Thanks. I’ll do my best” playfully, you nudged his shoulder with yours “You can always blame me though” picking up the mug, you turned towards the corridor.

“As though he’d care” Ives muttered at your back.

The sudden surge of confidence was surprising yet also inspiring:

“I’d make him care. There are some things even he can’t say no to”

The last thing you heard upon closing the door to the bedroom was Ives choking on water.

*** The Tallinn mission for you began with an early morning phone call from Neil. You got as far as getting out of bed after having been staring at the ceiling anxiously for the past three hours when the phone rang.

“Morning,” you muttered, stifling a yawn.

Espresso was certainly needed. Maybe two, before you would have to head out.

“Hey,” the soft tone felt like a mild punch “I’m glad you’re up already” Neil’s sleepy voice made you wish you could wake up together again.

There was always that slightly husky tinge to it, the way he lazily pronounced some words just because it was early still. So different from the enthusiastic overenunciation when he was preaching another messed up plan of his. Or the cheeky inflections he tended to use with you during banter. It was terrifyingly easy to get to know him that well because of how open he was with you.

“I couldn’t sleep. But it’s okay I’ll manage” you admitted, distracting yourself from the sudden thoughts “I didn’t tell you last night, but I got another text from TP… he wants me to join the squad today”

From the moment you have shut the bedroom door the previous night, you have debated calling Neil about it. But then he initiated another rather amusing texting exchange focusing on his fashion choices, and you felt bad disrupting the peace. It could wait. Not anymore. You held your breath until Neil responded with a simple question:

“Why?” he was careful, and you could not blame him for it.

You perched on the windowsill and looked out at the quiet cityscape. The streets were strangely empty for a weekday morning. Sighing, you answered in the best way possible:

“I don’t know, but Ives said yes after some coaxing, so I might see you out there” smiling despite yourself, you waited for his response.

Since recently you had to rely on phone calls, it became increasingly easy to determine his mood based on the tone of the reply. Or on the various nonverbal noises he sometimes made. Now there was a quiet hum proceeding the sentence. A surprise, mild confusion, and worry. Brilliant.

“As much as I’m happy we might meet… and that you can see me in that sexy car,” you rolled your eyes awaiting the point “Please, be careful. I need you safe”

It was not disappointing. You knew he did not intend it that way, and yet the anxiety fuelled brain was onto it instantly. I need you… safe. Unable to stop the comment, you muttered:

“Just safe, then”

“What?” any hope that he might have missed it dissolved with that single question.

Could he for once not listen to what you say? You know, like men tended to do. But then Neil was by no means an ordinary man.

“Nothing. Don’t mind me” the attempt at saving your dignity failed too.

“I thought it goes without saying that I do need you. And that I want you”

Oh god. At once, you wanted to smash your head into the wall and to kiss the bastard for being the way he was. Adding to that sentence, the mental image of his sheepish smile was enough to make your heart speed up. When the silence stretched, becoming awkward, you whispered a reply.

“It’s good to hear it sometimes” the coldness of the window glass cooled off your blazed cheeks, “Especially when I don’t actually believe it” he knew that by now, undoubtedly.

Here the nonverbal cue was a half-choked sigh. Annoyance. Frustration.

“You should. I don’t go around telling everyone that” Neil’s confident voice was trying to pull you back “And I certainly don’t have moments as we do with anyone else” at the implication, you felt flustered again.

Because there did not an hour go by without you thinking about what happened. The pull between you was startling at times. The absolute desire you felt. The way Neil knew exactly how to make you remember every second of every moment. With the memories flooding your brain, you could only utter a single question:

“Why me?”

It was curiosity. Because apart from that evening months ago when you first tried to make sense of your budding relationship, he never said why he cared about you. And you would never dare ask. But now, with everything that happened, it was worth trying. And Neil was willing to deliver:

“I’m not sure. Maybe it’s because you’re the bravest, kindest, most beautiful person I know” you could only keep on listening with your mouth agape “You fascinate me, and I want to discover all that you’re willing to give me” he finished in a reverent whisper.

That was not what you expected to hear. Not now. Not ever. Speechless, you wondered whether maybe this time it was not a mistake to give your heart away. It was too late. He had everything but your body; that was just a matter of time.

“Neil, I…” this was all you could manage, afraid you would give away another confession.

“Well, you’ve asked,” he chuckled lightly and then asked, “Are you okay?” you could picture that crease between furrowed eyebrows.

“I suppose-” a loud knock on your door interrupted the sentence; it was time, “I think I should probably join them for the final briefing…” hesitantly, you jumped off the sill.

Only two of you could be interrupted during such an important conversation.

“Go, I won’t keep you. Believe me, though, when I say that I want nothing but to be with you. In every way possible” your breath hitched at the connotation behind the sentiment.

Jesus, this man…

“That’s rather mutual,” like a secret you passed it to him on a sigh “But only when you’re not an ass” that was a much-needed distraction for you both.

There was work to be done, after all. You could hear the commotion in the apartment rise in volume and strength.

“I’ll do my best then. Good luck, darling” you grinned at the nickname he was determined to use.

Darling, you could do with. It was better than the ‘love’ that always made you feel like you were just another one among many.

“Don’t do anything stupid I still owe you a few slaps… and a payback” you added the necessary suggestive tone to the last word.

The rest was up to him to figure out. Which he did, if the pleased laughed was anything to go by.

“I’m very much looking forward to all of those” you missed that smirk.

“You should. Bye, my idiot,” you debated saving his number as that in your phone.

Maybe it was the way forwards.

“My love,” laughing, you ended the call when he uttered the words just for the sake of it.

But then that was Neil’s essence – doing things just because. Or to get a reaction from you. And you would not have it any other way.

*** Only when sitting in that bloody SUV, you learned the true meaning of waiting. And how much you hated to do that. There was nothing to do apart from sweating in the protective gear and avoiding the awkward small talk others were susceptible to. The squad has cramped into two non-descript vehicles, and you being the so-called precious cargo, ended up in the same car with Ives who have sworn to protect you. Only, for the first half-hour, there was nothing to protect you from. Apart from anxiety, boredom, and frustration.

Your role was rather simple – follow Neil’s signal on the map to know where you might be needed should he call for backup. As much as you did enjoy the possibility of tracking his movements somehow, you did not appreciate the cheeky smile Ives had on his face when he gave you the job. Or the comment combined with it: “Well, he’s your boyfriend, it’s only fair you keep him on the metaphorical leash here”. That is how the small blinking dot on the map of Tallinn became your sole focus for the past hour. Just before everything kicked off, Neil radioed you with a simple message: The mission is about to start. Wait for further instructions.

Ever since your morning phone call and the revelations that came out, you only exchanged a few texts concerning the practicalities of the action. Despite the nerves, you did hope to see him in near future. Even if just to check whether what he said was true. Looking for a distraction from the sudden thoughts, you glanced at the screen again. They were near, on the main junction of the highway, heading towards the port. Your SUVs were parked underneath a small overpass, five minutes away in the current traffic conditions. Which proved to be convenient, as it turned out.

“Is he still following the set route?” Ives’s question brought you to the present moment.

“Yeah, they’re-” you glanced to double-check the exact location when you realised that something has changed.

The dot was not moving. It was still blinking, but clearly, they have stopped at a crossing. Traffic lights? Your brain somehow knew that it could not be that simple. You opened your mouth to voice the thoughts when the comm came alive on the dashboard with static crackling:

“We need back up here. ASAP”

“Roger that” Ives tossed you the radio “Ask him about the details”

Without waiting for more information, Michael fired up the SUV engine as Ives contacted the second vehicle.

“Neil” you spoke into the receiver “What happened?” you flinched at the louder noise from the radio.

Gunshots?

“We’ve been ambushed by Sator’s people. TP’s status unknown”

Bloody brilliant. Swallowing down the rising worries, you asked another question:

“How many people?” another gunshot pierced the silence.

“Not sure. They’ve gotten clean up orders” a strained breath from Neil told you how bad the situation was.

“Okay. We’ll be there soon” you glanced at the road ahead.

Still, 2 mins to go. Anxiety was threatening to overpower you at any moment. But now was not the time.

“Hurry up” Neil closed the channel with a final dose of static.

Fuck… Forcing a deeper breath, you could only watch as you got closer to him. The sheer thought of something happening to Neil was unimaginable. That was enough to trigger panic. So you pushed the idea to the back of your head, focusing on the distance disappearing.

There was no mistaking the fact that you have been led to the right place. Crashed cars, asphalt littered with glass shards and broken parts, gunshots piercing the air. The destination looked like a car pile-up from an action sequence. Frantically looking through the windows, you tried to spot that blonde head. To no avail. The SUV came to a sharp halt as the squad members began jumping out of the vehicle. Once everyone else disembarked, you moved to follow them, only to be stopped by Ives:

“You’re staying here. I can’t have you out in the shoot-out” his blue gaze was stern, hand blocking exit out of the car.

The idea that you were so close to Neil and could not see him was enough to make you angry.

“I can handle myself. And he’s-” you spit out the words in the face of the squad leader while trying to push him away.

“I said no. The conversation’s over” with a final glare, he stepped away and scanned the horizon for immediate danger “If someone approaches the car, you know what to do,” he threw as a parting remark and disarmed the rifle.

Fucking hell! Groaning in frustration, you kicked one of the seats. He was so close. You glanced at the device in your hand. He could not be further than behind the first line of crashed cars. Biting on your lip harshly, you quickly went over the options. One was to obey Ives and stay inside the bloody SUV like a well-behaved child everyone apparently took you for. No one seemed to care about the vehicles you parked on the outskirts of the action. Flinching at the further salve from the heavy artillery, you knew that the squad had joined the fray. You could be safe here… but… Taking a deep breath you knew there was no possibility you could stay away from the action. Not when Neil was there, potentially in danger. It was not possible to give up on someone that important just because you were told to. Christ…

Glancing through the windows again, you could see Sator’s people attempting to clear the place. The squad evidently attempted to push at them from one side, hoping to get a clean sweep that way. Then, just as you were about to go back to the internal crisis overwhelming your thoughts, you did a double-take. Surely not? You would recognize that hair colour everywhere. There he was attempting what was looking like a skirting manoeuvre to circle the mercenaries with the Cavalry on the opposite side. Only that left him completely uncovered, in the direct line of fire. Bloody idiot. The instinct to jump out and run to him kicked in. The only thing holding you back was the fact that you would disobey the orders. And leave the car unguarded. All the hesitation disappeared once the comm in the car crackled with static:

“Emergency assistance needed. ASAP” the tension in his voice made your pulse quicken.

The lack of response from the team made all the blood drain from your face. You could see him trying to hide behind some overturned car. The henchmen were near enough to get him with no problem.

That thought was all the convincing you needed. Swearing, you quickly pocketed the tracking device, adjusted your protective gear, and grabbed the gun. You have been offered a rifle (just in case), but you preferred the classic. At least it was something right?

In two leaps, you have covered the distance. With the team trying to get through the attack line on the other side, it was just you and Neil. You shot a round in the direction of the approaching merc, missing the target yet earning attention from the main object of your focus. His eyes met yours across the plane. You could see shock, worry, and something else there. Suddenly a salve whizzed past you. The bullets cutting through the air all around, shooting past your head and piercing the car behind. A strangled yell from Neil was a surprising reaction, yet you did not blink twice. He was all you could see. With a final surge through the field, you reached him. The pure fury and anguish in his eyes took you aback. Have you missed something? But there was no time to ask questions.

“Go, I’ll cover you” you whispered, looking at the approaching group of mercs.

Neil took an additional moment to stare at you as though he could not quite believe you were there. But then he jumped up, aiming the gun at the man closest to you. The same that undoubtedly attempted to take you out seconds prior. When the mercenary fell with a bullet in the head, you stared in shock. There was no time to recover as Neil pushed through, barely looking behind at you. It was surprisingly easy to tune out the emotions, taking out anyone who could threaten him or halt your advances. You worked well together, movements in sync enough to stun the opponents on a few occasions. For a second, you wondered whether it was only bound to get better the closer you get to each other. That was certainly an interesting idea… In no time you have met with the line of the squad, watching on as Ives dealt with the last man standing. You have won. The adrenaline started to leave your body, resulting in tremors and shaking hands. Clutching the gun to prevent it from cluttering to the ground, you met the exasperated gaze of the squad leader. Your only response was a shrug. You did not regret the decision, seeing as you have evidently helped them in the field.

“Neil? Do you know where TP is?” Ives took his attention off you and looked at the blonde man.

You followed his gaze, for the first time actually looking at Neil since you spotted him across the plane. At the moment, you were struck by what a sight he was. Navy shirt with sleeves rolled up to expose the forearms covered with veins. The same tie he had on during your walk. Your pulse quickened. The vest drawing attention to the ratio between his broad shoulders and narrow hips, accentuated with a belt. Brown loose-cut trousers and scrapped leather shoes adding a classy touch. You were aware that you were staring yet unable to look away. Not knowing whether to blame it on the adrenaline rush, you wanted nothing but to touch him. Take off those driving gloves that piqued your interest at the first sight. Or have them be wrapped around your throat with just enough pressure. Get rid of the tie again. And…

“Think Sator took him” Neil’s response broke through your increasingly hazy thoughts.

Shaking off the images that started appearing, you looked up at his face again. The ruffled hair and flushed cheeks were not helpful. Fuck’s sake. It had to be stress. Because what else?

“Their place in the port?” Ives asked, his tone nothing but strict business.

“That’s my bet” Neil shrugged, looking around with something dark in his eyes.

He was tense, like a feral animal that could lash out any moment. You were not wrong. The cold blue gaze settled on you almost remorsefully, but before you could open your mouth, he snapped:

“What the fuck were you thinking?” the hostile edge to his voice was new.

You flinched as though you have been hit. The lack of physical impact did not matter. Your heart stammered. He need not explain what it was about. Please no.

“You needed a cover. They weren’t responding, so I did the obvious” you shrugged, feeling the anger grow “And I could ask you the same question” spitting the sentence into his face, you took a step closer.

You have never seen him that furious. Not even in Oslo after your little fuck-up. The sight was both terrifying and alluring. The dark blue eyes blazed with fury. Jaw clenched. Slight pink tint on the cheeks. And yet, still, you had no idea why he reacted like this.

“I knew what I was doing. That’s the difference” the coldness of his voice threw you off.

So it was real. He did mean it. You tried to save him, and here he was, pissed off at you. Making you almost regret it. Almost, because the love was there too. Not giving away no matter what.

“That’s bullshit” it felt good to admit, “You were reckless, as always, and expecting me to-” your rant got interrupted by a strangled yell.

Nothing prepared you for the revelation then. Or the sudden anguish on his face.

“You were almost shot!” Neil’s eyes glistened as though he was close to tears.

Suddenly it made sense. The rain of bullets you were hit with just before getting to him. The way he reacted. But you made it. Nothing happened. So why was he acting like that?

“Almost” ignoring the growing pain in your chest, you pointed out the obvious.

Out of the corner of your eye, you could see Ives and the rest of the squad observing you. You would rather not have an audience, but then Neil seemed determined to drive his point forward. His face scrunched into a pained scowl.

“Fucking hell,” turning away from your gaze, his back tensed even more “You can’t do shit like that just because I’m involved” the defensive tone took you aback.

What? It was getting worse. You could feel the confidence leaving your body as you struggled for a response. You would never think Neil would do something like that. Not after everything you have told him. Figuring out the only way you that could work, you took your own line of attack.

“Who says I did it only because it was you?” the implication hurt because it was partially correct “Quite an ego you’ve got there” his back was still turned to you.

That angered you even more. Crossing the distance, you placed your hand on his shoulder, making him turn to you. He flinched upon the contact as though your touch burned him. Oh my god. The tears welled up in your eyes. It could not be real. But the emotionless look in the eyes you thought you knew was very much real. It was as though before you realised Neil has built up a wall, guarding himself against you. And there was nothing you could do to get through. You got shocked by the cruel smirk that split his face.

“I can see the way you look at me. As though you wanted to-” you interrupted him sharply.

“Neil”

It was too much. Perhaps because it was true. But he was not done. Persistent to keep going.

“Admit it. It’s because you said some things, and now you can’t bear the thought of losing the object of your affection” the careless tone and the words pierced your heart with gut-wrenching pain “Well, you see, sometimes feelings need to be put aside” he added, almost casually.

Fuck. You gasped, unable to keep a straight face. He might as well see what he has done. Some things. So this is how much your confession meant to him. Good to know. You wanted to slap him, but you felt like that could turn back on you. So instead, you made sure to straighten your back, putting on the familiar mask of neutrality. You have done this before. Probably should have expected it. Only why did it hurt ten times more?

“Can we leave the bloody lovers quarrel till later?” Ives’s voice pierced through the tension.

But you were not ready. Raising your hand in a stopping motion, you turned back to Neil. His face was terrifyingly indifferent. Maybe it was all an act. Or maybe it was just that easy for him to get over whatever you thought you had. A lie. Gathering the smithereens of confidence, you forced a levelled tone:

“Says you. As though you’re acting out of reason right now” you gave him your best impression of the sneer visible on his face.

You could crumble at any moment now. Only the pounding in your ears and the wounded pride were keeping you upwards. But Neil wanted to destroy everything.

“More than you” he glanced at the team waiting impatiently “I really thought you’d know better than this” the punchline was more than you could take.

No. Please no. Your knees buckled, and you swayed. But then you caught the flash of concern in his eyes. Just for a split of a second. So it was not all cold and hatred? You heard Ives huff out a string of curses. There was no time for this. Whatever it even was. Honesty it was then.

“Better than to give away my heart to someone like you? Evidently not” you met his eyes for the final time before walking away in the direction of the SUVs.

The shock you saw in Neil’s face was enough to fuel the survival instincts. With the heart broken or not, the mission was still on. And the rest was silence.

[valtteri-77]

🇫🇮Valtteri Bottas 🇫🇮 ✨appreciation post✨

A list of the reasons why Valtteri should be loved and appreciated more!

His favourite Phrase is Kittos/thank you because he thinks it's important to thank people for doing stuff for you

He raised money for men's physical and mental health issues by partaking in Movember

He runs a yearly Duathalon that raises money for charity

He planned to auction of his Australia helmet to help the koalas affected by the bushfires

He has never ever talked nastily about any other driver on that grid. He was full of praise for Lewis and tipped his hat. Kept praising George. Congratulated Checo. Ect.

He's just living his best life and doing his own thing. He doesn't get involved in crap.

He's always helping people if they need it

He always tries to make time for his fans and tries to get to as many as he can before he's dragged away by his team

He's extremely humble. Especially about his upbringing. He never views himself as higher than anyone else. He's just a simple man from a small little village in Finland.

He's driving in the hardest seat in F1. People like to criticize him for not being good enough but he's against Lewis who holds so many records it's almost rediculous.

On this note, he doesn't deserve the trashing he gets off George fans for one moment just because they want him in the car instead. Stop spamming him and Mercedes with 'Bottas out, sign George for 2021'. Both have contracts and it's just not nice.

He has one of the best senses of humour once you start to learn his dark and deadpan jokes and he's a dork about his jokes as well (To whom it may concern, thank you).

He is very pro Women. He's always praising women in the sports industry (hell, he dates one), always liking Mercedes 'women in engineering' posts and is one of the few to always partake in international women's Day. He also made a post questioning why women weren't being paid as much as the men in Cycling. (Also no, the way he pronouces things is not an excuse to say he hates women like I saw someone imply)

On the note of women, when he attends Tiffany's races he doesn't just sit around, he works on the sidelines handing out Bidons (a special type of water bottle for cyclists) and other supplies to her team.

He feeds a stray black cat at their home in France.

He has pretty eyes. Am I allowed to use that as a reason you should love him? Sure. But seriously they're very pretty.

Fastest driver on the grid. Holds the Fastest ever speed in an F1 car (378kph in Baku 2016) and fastest ever laptime (Sakhir GP 2020)

For some reason the Valtteri fandom is tiny. He just deserves more love in general. You're allowed to dislike a driver sure but the hate some of you all give some people on here and other platforms is kind of rediculous. They're real people.

Very very patriotic and very proud of his hometown which is frankly adorable.

Drink then spray on the podium, as one should 🍾

His coffee (and Porridge) obsession is beyond amusing

Will add to this list later as I find and remember more things to add! Feel free to send me suggestions to add.

[rabdoidal]

i know you listen to a lot of podcasts and ive found some of my favourites from hearing you talk about them! do you have any favourites?

under the cut! my top 10 podcasts at the moment:

Alice Isn’t Dead Genre: horror, thriller, drama, Lovecraftian, Americana Episode count: 30 (completed) Description: A truck driver searches across America for the wife she had long assumed was dead. In the course of her search, she will encounter not-quite-human serial murderers, towns literally lost in time, and a conspiracy that goes way beyond one missing woman. Thoughts: This podcast is, to me at least, completely flawless in every way. I would consider myself a person that listens to a lot of horror podcasts, but Alice Isn’t Dead takes the cake for its depictions of liminal middle America, the horror that is capitalism, and the most tender, realistic depiction of lesbians in any podcast. Anything else I could say would spoil it and for this, I don’t want to spoil it because I want every person alive that can stomach horror to listen to this.

Archive 81 Genre: horror, comedy, sci-fi, Lovecraftian Episode count: 35 (ongoing) Description: Archive 81 is a found footage horror podcast about ritual, stories, and sound. Thoughts: The latest podcast I’ve tried, and it’s definitely one that grows on you. The audio mixing is some of the best I’ve heard in any podcast, and every bump and scratch and hum of frequency weaves to form moments that are truly and viscerally gory. Season 3 and Left of The Dial are my favorites because again, I love Americana horror, and anything that involves family!

Artificial Ghost Radio Genre: non-fiction, discussion, comedy Episode count: 75 (ongoing) Description: Our Sisyphean music recommendation challenge with hosts Miles (he/him) and Jupiter (she/they) challenge each other to find songs based on arbitrary themes and to spin the WHEEL OF DISCORD to talk about a random song from their library! They can be found on twitter @artghostpod. Thoughts: Gotta plug my own podcast! We’re still small, but the people I’ve met from doing AGR has made my life richer and fuller, even through the ups and downs. I recommend starting with #58: Songs about Aliens ft. our friend Liz (@thescaryjokes)!

EOS 10 Genre: medical drama, comedy, sci-fi Episode count: 34 (ongoing) Description: Doctors in space, a deposed alien prince, a super gay space pirate and a fiery nurse who'll help you win your bar fight. Thoughts: It’s been a hot minute since I listened, but as someone that inherently loves things like Star Trek and procedural comedies, EOS 10 is a quick and hilarious listen! Fair warning some of the earlier stuff is a little bit ignorant when it comes to their LGBT characters, but it gets a lot better over time.

King Falls AM Genre: horror, comedy, Lovecraftian Episode count: 100 (ongoing) Description: King Falls AM centers on a lonely little mountain town's late-night AM talk radio show and its paranormal, peculiar happenings and inhabitants Thoughts: I’m a bit behind, but again, gotta love some Alpine American horror! King Falls AM perfectly captures the feeling and sound of listening to a small late night radio show with two bros, but it really goes from typical dude dialogue to heart wrenching found family alien conspiracy real quick. Same as EOS 10, fair warning for some ignorant language and LGBT stereotypes, but they address it and it gets better as it progresses.

Not Another D&D Podcast Genre: actual play Dungeons and Dragons, TTRPG, comedy Episode count: 128 (ongoing) Description: Welcome to the campaign after the campaign! Three unlikely adventurers attempt to right the wrongs caused by a party of legendary heroes who screwed up the world while trying to save it. Thoughts: I’m only like 40 episodes in because they’re thick, meaty ‘sodes, but god is NADDPOD fucking hilarious. I’ve tried a fair few TTRPG shows, but the chemistry and care that the cast has together is unmatched by others in the genre. I’m a complete sucker for shows that are so funny and so tragic in equal measures, and the entire concept of a D&D game set after the world has been so drastically changed by a different D&D game is so unique!

The Faculty of Horror Genre: non-fiction, horror, philosophy, sociology, feminism Episode count: 86 (ongoing) Description: Tackling all things horror with a slash of analysis and research, horror journalists and occasional academics Andrea Subissati and Alexandra West are your hosts for brain-plumping discussions on all things that go bump in the night. Thoughts: A little non-fiction in this list of fiction podcasts! The Faculty of Horror is a concise and educated intersectional feminist podcast, and it’s a breath of fresh air to listen to anyone that isn’t a cishet white guy talk about horror. I highly recommend the episode on Cabin in The Woods or Jennifer’s Body!

The Magnus Archives Genre: horror, office comedy Episode count: 180 (ongoing) Description: The Magnus Archives is a weekly horror fiction anthology podcast examining what lurks in the archives of the Magnus Institute, an organization dedicated to researching the esoteric and the weird. Join new head archivist Jonathan Sims as he attempts to bring a seemingly neglected collection of supernatural statements up to date, converting them to audio and supplementing them with follow-up work from his small but dedicated team. Thoughts: TMA is, similarly to A81, a bit of a slow burn to get into, but I think once you listen to a few episodes you’ll know if you want to continue. It’s a pretty standard prompt for a narrative, but the sheer amount of individual short horror stories they’ve managed to write is insane! And I love the slow break down between recording statements and the stuff happening within the archives. Also one of the best redemption stories in a character that starts off as such a grumpy fuck!

The Penumbra Podcast Genre: sci-fi, neo-noir, romance, comedy, found family, magic, medieval fantasy, adventure, mystery Episode count: 75 (ongoing) Description: At the Penumbra, you might follow Juno Steel, a brooding, sharp-witted private eye on Mars, as he tangles with an elusive homme fatale, tracks dangerous artifacts of an ancient alien civilization, and faces his three greatest fears: heights, blood, and relationships. Or you might enter the world of the Second Citadel, where the merciless Sir Caroline must corral a team of emotionally distraught all-male knights to defend their city against mind-manipulating monsters...even the ones they’ve fallen in love with. Thoughts: On god TPP was a life changing podcast for me. Having creators that are genuinely concerned with accurately representing minorities with care and dedication makes me feel spoiled when I try listen to anything else. The two main universes are so different with their own set of histories and cultures, but I love them both so completely. If you want LGBT+ representation, this is the seminal podcast for everything non-binary, trans, queer, and people that aren’t afraid to change and have that change be known! I haven’t listened to another podcast that actually depicts transitioning like they do, absolute king shit.

Wolf 359 Genre: space drama, comedy, action Episode count: 61 (completed) Description: WOLF 359 is a radio drama in the tradition of Golden Age of Radio shows. Set on board the U.S.S. Hephaestus space station, the dysfunctional crew deals with daily life-or-death emergencies, while searching for signs of alien life and discovering there might be more to their mission than they thought Thoughts: Wolf 359 is like if you fell down the stairs and at the bottom of the stairs was a bear trap, and then after you step in the bear trap someone helps you take off that beartrap, but then they kick you in the nuts. Just replace physical pain with emotional pain. It can be so funny but also so fucking stressful and sad – w359 isn’t afraid to kill its darlings, and it will break your heart but you will still say thank you.

[byunsboyz]

Jamais Vu - Part One

Exo Fanfiction

Baekhyun x Female Reader

Warnings: some light swears.

Genre: Fluff/Angst?

W/C: 2560

Part Two Part Three

_____________________________________________________________

Everybody has that ‘what if’. The one who got away....not quite regret, but thoughts that would drift by late at night when insomnia has set in and you’re deep into your latest existential crisis.

What if things had been different? What if you had said what had been on the tip of your tongue that day?

Byun Baekhyun was your what if. 

He had been your best friend in college and the only person you had truly loved.

You had no reason to run into Byun Baekhyun. You didn’t share classes. You an Accounting major and him Architecture. 

You didn’t run in the same social circles, he was part of a frat house and you opted to remain in dorms with your small group of friends. 

But what had brought you together was music, meeting in your second year while working at the campus radio station.

You had applied for the role of Production Director on a whim, looking for a hobby outside of classes and studying and also benefited from the extra credit of managing the finances of the small college club. 

The first time you met you were positive you’d never understand him. After all, you were complete opposites. He was loud and outgoing; always the centre of jokes and a far cry the quiet loner you were perceived to be. 

But from the first show you ran with him, he has surprised you. Baekhyun was the On-Air Presenter for the Sunday night Jazz & Blues segment and as soon as the light would turn red he’d take on a completely different persona.

His voice would become soft and melodic as he’d whisper sweet nothings into the microphone about the classics of Miles Davies and Frank Sinatra. 

You’d often be on the same late-night shift together; downing coffee after coffee, discussing your favourite artists and organising records until the early hours.

He wasn’t exhausting like the rest of your extroverted friends, his presence giving you a warm sense of comfort. 

Without noticing you became joined at the hip for the rest of your college days. 

Not to the point that you were a regular at his crazy frat parties but you’d hang out at the radio station, would marathon movie after movie at each other’s dorms on the weekends and crammed for all your major test’s together. 

You hadn’t even realised you were in love with him until you’d just graduated, you even had the crazy idea to confess.

Then the news broke that he was moving to a different country.

He had been in two minds on whether to go. You’d always talked about living and working in the same city and he’d been concerned about you being alone and him going back on his promise.

Honestly. Who achieves their dream job at a globally famous architecture firm and worries about their dumb friend during the happiest moment of their life?!

You remembered that day vividly.

‘“Of course you should go! It’s your dream, Baek” you forced the enthusiasm into your voice.

Inside, you could feel your heart tearing at the seams. You weren’t selfish enough to show him just how much you would miss him, as much as you had wanted to.

He was always too considerate of your feelings. 

This wasn’t some Rom-Com TV show, where Baekhyun would suddenly declare he couldn’t live without you. He wasn’t like Rachel choosing not to get on the plan for Ross.

You’d cried so hard the night he’d left. Almost texting the words you’d be aching to tell him for the last three years. 

‘I am in love with you’. 

But the alcohol had knocked you out before you could hit send.

He’d promised to keep in touch but over the years you drifted. As life and work became more and more hectic it devolved from video chatting on the weekends, to texting occasionally. 

Fading into receiving a generic happy birthday post on social media and then nothing at all.

You’d pushed him to the back of your mind as you told yourself over and over that this is what happens as you get older. 

And with that ten years had passed.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You wake with a start. Back aching from where you’d fallen asleep in an awkward position while watching a random ASMR video the night prior.

*Clatter*  

Your sleep-filled eyes search the room, trying to locate the source of the noise. 

*Thud Thud Thud*

It appears to be coming through the wall behind your headboard.

Could someone be moving into the apartment next door? It’s been entirely empty the whole time you’ve been living here, about seven months now.

You've enjoyed the quiet solace of not having to share the walls with another person. Especially being one of the only two apartments on the upper floor, it was one of the reasons you love your apartment.

It’s also located near the subway and tucked far back enough on the outskirts of the city that it’s almost peaceful. There’s also a small cafe bar and a couple of small stores that remind you of the town where you grew up.

*Bang*

You groan again at the loud noises as you stretch your arms over your head and wonder about the people moving in next door.

Maybe a couple? Or a young family. It could even be a cute guy. You snort at the thought. Yeah right. What kind of a psycho moves into an apartment in the early morning anyway?!

You reach under your pillow for your phone to check the time. 8:30 am! SHIT. You overslept and if you don’t leave your apartment in the next ten minutes you’ll miss your train to work!

With no time for a shower, you rush to your bathroom to wash your face and brush your teeth.

As you drag a brush through your hair and pull it up into a simple, neat ponytail you start forming a contingency plan…

‘Skip the usual to-go coffee at Dunkin’ and settle for the instant stuff at work’ you think to yourself, ‘As soon as I get to work, throw on some BB cream and mascara with the time I’ll gain abandoning my daily vanilla latte with coconut milk…’.

You sniff sadly at the thought as you step into one of your tailored dresses, fumbling with the awkward zipper in the back.

Within 10 minutes you’re flying out the door and straight into the elevator. Using the short amount of time to button up your sweater and glance through your bag to check that you’ve got everything you’ll need for the day.

You’re in your own thoughts as you stride towards the lobby doors, and almost walk straight into your building manager.

“Oh! Good morning, Mr Sato!” you gasp in surprise.

“Good morning!” he smiles obliviously, not realising that you almost knocked him flying. You move to step around him as he continues. “There’s a package of yours with Ralph” (the doorman) “and I also wanted to let you know about a new tenant moving into the place next to yours...”

“Uh-huh,  of course, that’s great!” You cut him off, waving your hands apologetically “I am so sorry. Please excuse me, I’m late for work!” you call out behind you as you make a mad dash out of the building to the subway station.

You make your train by the skin of your teeth, panting from the final sprint from the ticket gate to the platform. Feeling glad you skipped the makeup as you would have surely sweat a good portion of it off by now.

You currently work for a large accountancy firm Kim & Partners. You could have worked within a finance department of any company as most qualified accountants tend to do but you love the challenges and variety of working with different industries and clients every day.

You manage a small team of four and specialise in bookkeeping for small to medium enterprise, one of the smaller departments in the company but you have a pretty large client base and enjoy the satisfaction of helping others and providing a clear and efficient service.

“We are transferring you to manage corporate accounts,” your boss Mr Kim announces in the morning management meeting. You feel like someones just pulled a step from beneath your footing.

You were aware that your manager Mr Choi had wanted to transfer you out to provide more specialised management accountancy for larger corporate clients but so far you’d been convincing enough from the commission and reputation you’ve built for Kim & Partners to be able to continue as you were.

“Uh, thank you for the opportunity, Mr Kim, I-” you begin shakily, looking for the words or a reason to decline the transfer.

“Fantastic! You’ll handover to Jaehyun for the rest of today and you’ll start in corporate accounting tomorrow!” your boss claps his hands together enthusiastically and with that you chicken out of any further protest and nod your head.

Jaehyun is your second in command and honestly, he really deserves this promotion. You couldn’t think of someone more diligent and detail-oriented.

The rest of your day is uneventful. The handover goes incredibly smoothly despite a very surprised Jaehyun but the more things are explained, the more you realise that this progression will be good for everyone.

You’ll still oversee Jaehyun and his team but allow him more room to make decisions and develop while you work on the larger corporate accounts that keep your company in business.

There was even a hint at the opportunity to become a junior partner, which by your calculations would make you one of the youngest in the company.

You leave work feeling excited, passing up on celebratory drinks with your (old) team so that they can have more fun without their boss present.

“COME ONNNN” Hani, your junior accounts clerk had whined when you announced that you wouldn't be joining “You’re not a regular boss, you’re a COOL boss!”.

You appreciate the sentiment but everyone likes to complain about work and management when they drink and you wouldn't like to take that away from them.

You sit on the train heading back to your apartment feeling optimistic, texting your best friend Aria about the day and making plans for your own celebratory drinks.

You’re walking through the lobby of your apartment building, heading towards Ralph’s desk to collect the package Mr Sato mentioned this morning. Probably the new nutribullet you’d ordered while drunk Amazon shopping a couple of weeks back.

Normally you’d cancel the delivery but drunk you was really onto something this time. You giggle at a dumb vine quote Aria sends you and as you finish typing up your response-

 THWACK! You hit a wall, falling ungracefully backwards onto your butt.

You grunt as the air gets knocked out of you when you make contact with rough carpet of the lobby.

“Seriously!” another voice snaps you back to reality as you realise you didn’t walk into a wall but another person.

 A now very annoyed person, carrying what you assume was their groceries as you glance over at the produce and cans rolling around on the floor between you.

“I- oh my gosh, I am so sorry!” you stammer as you scramble to your knees and start frantically picking up some of the items in front of you. A can of beans, a bag of pasta and a lone orange trying to make its escape. 

“I wasn’t even looking, I promise I’ll pay for anything dama-”, You begin as you look up, expecting to see Mr Sato or one of the other tenants of the building.

The rest of your sentence dies in the back of your throat.

“Baekhyun?...”

His name leaves your lips as a whisper, heart thumping against your chest as you almost drop the items in your hands.

He’s not looking in your direction, you hear him grumble something under his breath that you can’t quite make out as he scoops the remainder of his groceries into a battered paper bag.

Is it really him? Did you hit your head and you’re actually unconscious and hallucinating about a guy you used to know and haven’t seen in ten years?

It sure looks like him. A few extra lines crease his forehead, his hair is a darker shade of chocolate than you remember with a few flecks of silver glinting at the centre of his parting.

You glance to his left hand searching for the mole that sits beneath his thumbnail but it’s not there. Maybe it was on his right hand?

He finally looks up as if finally registering that you’re kneeling on the floor next to him, his lips part slightly in surprise as he looks you over. A tiny mole sits just above the corner of his upper lip. It really is him!

Before your mind has time to catch up you’re throwing your arms around him, allowing your excitement to overtake all of your other senses. You feel him instantly tense up.

“H-hey!” he shouts, pushing you off him abruptly. “What the hell are you doing!”

You shoot to your feet, shaken by the sharpness of his tone you take a step back to create some space. Your throat feels dry all of a sudden. His eyes look you over but there’s no familiarity in them, they’re so cold you almost shiver.

He takes a step towards you, “How do you know my name?” his tone sharp and accusing, “Are you some kind of stalker?”.

Your cheeks start to burn as the realisation set’s in that Baekhyun has no idea who you are. You struggle to swallow the lump forming in your throat as you search for a response. Words seem to fail you right now.

“Y/N, is everything alright?” you hear the worried voice of Mr Sato, by the time you remember to blink he’s already standing between the two of you. You look up at him, dumbstruck as you fight back the sharp prickles in the corner of your eyes.

He looks back and forth between you and Baekhyun, trying to piece together what has taken place. You realise you’re still holding Baekhyun’s groceries, practically hugging the bag of pasta to your chest and your cheeks burn even hotter. 

You hear your name spoken again but it’s not Mr Sato’s voice this time, and you don’t have the nerve to look at Baekhyun again.

So you do the only thing you can think of and thrust the items you're holding at Mr Sato. Run as fast as you can to the stairwell, and find the nearest hole to jump into, aka your apartment.

Your knees ache as you force yourself up each flight. You can’t even remember the last time you used the stairwell and when you finally reach the threshold of your apartment you collapse against the door.

What on earth were you thinking?

What gave you the right to assume anyone would recognise you after ten years?

What was he even doing here? As that final thought crosses your mind someone knocks at your door.

You jump at the abrupt noise, chest still tight from the anxiety (or the running). But there’s no way you’re answering the door.

Your legs still feel like jelly and you really fear that Mr Sato has come to scold you or worse Baekhyun has followed you.

But he wouldn’t know which apartment you lived in. Would he?

You pull yourself to your feet and glance through the peephole.

You watch as Baekhyun turns away from your front door and disappears towards the next apartment.

No way.

*Slam*

Shit.

[harrystyleswatermelon-sugar]

Gas station encounter - Part IV

Part III

The next day I wait for him standing behind my window. When he pulls up outside I smile because he is too early. His black car is standing in the same spot than the day before, when he brought me home.

I see him getting out of the car and shooting a glance up to my flat, then onto his phone. He leans his back on his car and puts his hands in his pockets. He wears a black hat and a black coat with some brown Chelsea boots and dark pants.

When I close my door behind me I feel my phone vibrating and look at it. Harry sent me a text and I start going down. He smiles when I open the door and step outside.

“Hey there, how are you?” he asks and hugs me.

“Great, how are you? Ready to grab some coffee?” he nods and kisses my cheek.

“Sure, let´s go. I thought I would show you my favourite café. Believe me, they have the most amazing things” he promises and opens the car door for me.

The way to his café is not very long and when he finally found a parking spot a few streets away he looks at me.

“I apologize in advance. It is very likely that I am recognised and because you are an attractive woman it probably will be in the media tomorrow. Be prepared” he warns me and I shake my head.

“No worries, I can handle it I think” I assure him and he gets out of the car. I shut the door behind me and we walk next to each other in comfortable silence. He seems a bit tense but when nothing happens and no one tries to stop him, he relaxes a bit.

“So tell me, what happened to Anna? She told me yesterday, that she is feeling so much better and she might be able to go home? I thought she was on the edge of dying when I visited her the first time” he asks while he leads me towards the little café.

“There are moments when those miracles happen and I try to not question them too much. Her bloodwork is great, she doesn’t need more chemo and she feels better. Her vitals are really great. This might be a miracle but to be honest, we should appreciate it as long as it is possible” I explain and walk through the open door into the café. We find a table in the corner and he pulls my chair, so I can sit.

“So you think she might get sick again?”

“It is possible. At this point, no one can say yes or no. I will do my best to let her go in a few days and give her some time at home with her friends and family. But I try to not let it get too close to me” I reply and he nods while he hands me the menu.

“I hope the best for her. Maybe you can keep me updated” he asks me and I agree to nod. I decide to get a normal coffee and a blueberry scone.

When our order arrives we dig into the food and I immediately know why it is his favourite café. The food is excellent and even the coffee seems to be better than other coffees.

“This is really good,” I say and he smiles at me. He got a cinnamon roll and seems to enjoy it as well.

“I´m glad you like it. Their cinnamon roll is the best I ever ate” he declares and I giggle.

“That’s a huge compliment from someone who has probably eaten in the whole world”

“You want to taste it? Then you will see that it is the best” he holds his fork with a piece of that roll into my direction and I nod, eating from Harry Styles´ fork and I close my eyes in awe. This is the best cinnamon roll I ever ate.

I nod and he smiles delighted that I agree.

“It´s great. Wow. Thanks for showing me this place, I´m sure I will come back some time” I assure him and he takes a sip from his coffee.

“I don’t share those special places with anybody but I think you deserve the best. I appreciate the work you are doing so much, I am so impressed how you handle all this and I can´t believe anyone takes this for granted. You and your team should get an award, you are the real heroes” he says and I try not to choke on my scone. I am very much touched by his words and I honestly don’t know where to look.

“Thank you, I think it is normal to us because we love what we do. We don’t need an award…a simple thank you and some smiles on those kids faces, that’s why I do this” I reply and take my cup in my hands.

“But you sacrifice so much, please don’t get me wrong…but someone who tries to make others happy should be happy themself. What would make you happy? Maybe I can give something back” he asks and I shake my head.

“No, no it´s fine. I am happy, I really am” he looks at me and licks his lips, to get all the cinnamon and sugar.

“I have some time off, so if you would like…I could come and play and sing with the kids. It would be a pleasure and I absolutely don’t mind it” he proposes and I truly don’t know what to say. It’s a very kind offer from a very busy man like him.

“If you want to, sure. I am happy when the kids are happy” I agree and he bites his lip, what I find very sexy.

“Great, I will contact you if you don’t mind”

“I don’t. Soooo…it´s already 3 pm and we still need to get my car. How long do you want to spend time with me?” I ask him and look at my phone.

“If you want to leave, we can go immediately…shit I think I got spotted” he whispers and I am clever enough to not turn around as he tries to hide behind me.

“Are you Harry Styles? You are, right? Do you mind, if we take a picture with you?” a young girl asks next to our table and eyes me sceptical. Harry smiles friendly and gets up to chat with them and take a picture. After they left he pays for our order and is eager to leave the place. Maybe he knows that when he was spotted once, there will be more fans in no time. I hurry after him and as we are a few streets away he gets a bit slower.

“Sorry for leaving so abruptly but I know how fast they are. By now we would have been swarmed and I don’t want that right now…we can get your car or take a walk in the park if you like” he suggests and I nod. Sounds great.

“A walk seems to be nice, we have a lot of time left, so no hurry with getting my car” we walk next to each other, chatting about anything that comes to mind. He tells me about his family and friends back in Manchester and I listen very interested. His mom sounds lovely from his stories and at this point, I am just happy that I met him at the gas station.

“It is lovely spending time with you, Y/N,” he says and smiles at me.

“Likewise, I never thought I would spend time with you after our first meeting. But I´m glad we do, you are easy to be around and I kind of like you” I confess and giggle a bit.

“I appreciate it very much, that you are accepting me in your life and I have the feeling you don’t mind me having in it? Or am I completely wrong and this is just your average kind of being nice?” he asks a bit concerned and unsure.

“I don’t mind having you in my life, not at all. And no, you are not wrong” I can see his happy smile and follow him at his side across the park.

 A few weeks later during my shift, I can see Harry sitting amidst a lot of kids with his guitar and singing with them. They love having him around and he loves entertaining them. Anna was able to go home and I promised to come visit her soon. The last days have been really exhausting, we have a few very critical patients and I had to tell their parents that it´s only a matter of weeks.

Harry comes here as often as he can and I am very thankful that he spends his rare time with all of my children. We usually don’t spend much time together but when I have the opportunity I stop and listen to him telling stories or singing to them. When he notices me, he smiles at me and I return it gladly. I know that he won´t come here forever, he has a job and soon he will be gone because of promotion and recordings and tour. But he never mentioned it, when he walks me to my car after my shift.

A soft knock on my door jerks me out of my thoughts and I look up, seeing Harry in the doorway.

“Hey, can I come in or is it bad timing?” he asks politely but I don’t mind it at all.

“No, it´s fine. Come in, you alright?” I reply and watch him, as he sits down in front of my desk.

“Yes, I love being here seeing the kids smile but I noticed something…” he says concerned and I sit up straight.

“What? Is something wrong with one of the kids?” I start to panic, that I haven’t noticed. I get up and walk around the desk to get to the door, but Harry holds me back by grabbing my wrist.

“They are alright but are you too? You hardly smile and you look tired and exhausted, can I do something for you?” he asks and I meet his soft green eyes. I relax a little and lean against my desk his hand still wrapped around my wrist.

“I´m alright. Just a bit tired but nothing I haven’t handled before plus I have a free weekend ahead of me. The first one in three months” I answer and see him smiling.

“Free weekend, huh? How about…I try and make it the most relaxed weekend in your life? I just want you to feel good and we haven’t spent much time in the last weeks” he requests and I raise an eyebrow at him.

“And what are you picturing?”

“Hmm maybe me cooking some dinner for you, watching a movie, getting a massage and not worrying about anything. How does that sound?” his eyes are shimmering with hope and I chuckle. It sounds great but what if it gets really awkward? I have never been to his house or the other way round. We usually just hang out in a café or here, this is kind of a next step.

“I´d love to do that but…I don’t want it to be awkward honestly” I say and he entwines our fingers.

“It won´t, I promise” his voice is low and deep and touches me like velvet.

“Okay” I agree and he squeezes my hand lightly.

“Great, I´ll pick you up after your shift?” he sounds really excited and I grin at him while I nod in agreement.

Part V

Hey guys, 

sorry for the delay and lack of posting. I hope you are still here and enjoy my newest chapter. Please send all your love or hate, I´ll take it. 

You can still be added to the taglist for this story, if you want. Don´t be shy. 

Love, Julia xx

Taglist:

@wotamelonsugar @lanallaa @highladyofelfhame-remastered @lucky-worm @theresthingsthatwellneverknow

[heckinhacker]

True Damage!Yasuo x reader - I’m glad you’re evil too.

A/N: I was inspired by Ashe's cover of “I'm glad you're evil too” and I absolutely loved it. Here goes nothing! There might be some errors, I’ve read it many times and can’t find anything anymore, but can happen. Sorry.

word count: 6,311 requested: no. warnings: Cursing, as in most of my posts. Welp~!^^ + It can be messy, I never wrote a long fic and english is being hard for me :(

Yasuo loved music since forever, and knew he was talented himself. Everyone around him praised him if he had shown them his own beats. He was DJ for every school party hosted, even volunteered to be on his own prom night, but everyone said he’s fine to go and party for once. 

He didn’t want to party, nor to dance.  He wanted to be behind the laughs and screams, making it fun for others.  He knew that he wasn’t very social. I mean, he was friendly, sometimes flirty, but social? He prefered reading mangas, watching animes and making music, this was all he wanted.

And that’s how the popular DJ works alone since forever. Loner genius who was out of reach for most of musicians. No one was worthy working with him. One didn’t had enough passion, other just wasn’t it. And he searched for something. 

Musical something was found with a rise of “Giants”, or so called “True Damage” group. They had something he searched in music, but why he still felt empty? 

Ekko and girls always asked him out: -After-party maybe, Yas? - Akali smiles while bending down a little to make that ‘sneaky-happy’ pose. - As if, I had some beat idea I need to work on, Akali. - he gives her a hand with a motion of ‘stop’ while saying no. And some other time: - Yo, bro, you up for a drink after recording? - Ekko stopped him before he went off for his break. - You can manage without me, Ekko. You have fun anyway. - murmured long haired man, avoiding eye contact. And another after some: - Don’t act all cold and mysterious, ninja, while you’re drooling over some drawn big-eyed girls and come on, you have nothing better to do! - huffed Qiyana, crossing her arms on chest. - Thanks for your not-asked-for opinion, princess. - and he added nothing more. That lasted, and the longer he avoided friendly meetings, Senna tried to talk up: - I’m worried about you, Yasuo. Want to take a walk? - you could feel her concern only by looking her into eyes. That’s kind of her, but... - Thank you, Senna, but you have bigger problems than my own on your head. How is your husband, by the way? - he didn’t meant to be rude, and Senna understood. - Lucian’s fine, he’d appreciate you asking, even though you talked only once. And you’re never a problem, remember. He only waved her away, heading to home, to do his own  things. He prefered it that way, or so he thought. 

With time, things he enjoyed stopped meaning anything. For example, which hurt him the most: He was so enthusiastic for Star Guardian series, but damn it, he stopped feeling happiness with every single update from mangaka. It hurt. He knew something was off, so he thought he’ll find himself correspondence buddy. Join some group connected to the series, noone will know he’s popular and will chat about Guardians as he’d love someone to and that’s what he did! TheUnforgiven01: hi. TheUnforgiven01: i’ll let myself into convo, if that’s fine. ezpezlemonsquez: That’s what that chat is for, of course! We were just discussing which group was better in many aspects, then compared aspect to the other. TheUnforgiven01: sounds fun, i guess? but it’s obvious ahri team’s better, they had more morality about disappearing, and ahri as the leader took a step of redemption for her stars, nothing to even try to compare to. [nick]: Oh okay. Your opinion is valid but actually is not. 

Yasuo raised his brow. Oh, someone’s mad? “Valid”, he’s mad now too. 

TheUnforgiven01: and that means? i’m right and you’re not, i suppose. you’re mad abt it? [nick]: Okay, Unforgiven, listen to me now. I am longer in this group and always argued morally about everything, but plain and stupid, unexplained opinions of stubborn kids like you just piss me off. What if someone find staying by rules more morally-right, huh? Ever consider that? TheUnforgiven01: if you’d like to die just because you were chosen by some glitter and glory of first star then fine, but some weren’t, they were normal teenagers under disguise, what about their families? ezpezlemonsquez: Guys, you’re starting to fight and it’s not cool, can you chill?? [nick]: They knew about the risk by agreeing! Being chosen is one, but agreeing is their own fucking choice!!!  TheUnforgiven01: and YOU’D be fine with dying, [nick] ? [nick]: Of course not! But anyone can die while saving the world, not because of losing a light, you know? If not that, there is the risk of being corrupted, like Xayah and Rakan, isn’t that right?? TheUnforgiven01: and it hurt, but they can be saved, and by dying officially you cannot do shit about it, yeah?  ShiningBrightTonite: If you won’t stop acting up I’ll have to mute you both until tomorrow, keep it down! TU, you just joined and make a fight right away, can you give me a reason to let you stay?

Yasuo’s hands twitched. He ALMOST dissed admin, and that would be it, poof and no corresponding buddy for him. He sighed deeply, took himself some longer moments and only typed. TheUnforgiven01: sorry. i’ll join next discussion and be all innocent and sweet, like newborn baby. [nick]: Newborns are wrinkly and ugly.  ShiningBrightTonite: [nick] !! [nick]: Just saying. TheUnforgiven01: aight, ama head out. 

~TheUnforgiven01 has left the chat~

That was it for today. 

Yasuo just took a quick shower, ate one sandwich and went to sleep, while blasting music on his headphones. Way to deal with his nerves.

About your side…

Generally you’re the angel of this community, you’re always passionate and calm about others opinion, but this dude just pressed the wrong button by his like...third message? No one saw you this mad, and this group had many dramas which YOU were most of the times reason to stop, but now? Some admins laughed about that in admin chatroom with you about it, but let you be with a slight warning, friendly nudge on the arm with ‘don’t do that next time, he’s new and doesn’t know how to hang on things, ya kno?’ So you went with it. Even decided to apolagize to this dude in pm. The question was: today or tomorrow? Tomorrow sound more appealing, but if you do it now, you won’t have to do that tomorrow, so it’s now. You sighed deeply, it’s been an hour and a half, so you hoped he’s cooled down too. 

[nick]: Sorry to bother you in your “private message” zone, but I thought about all this situation and I’m sorry for how I acted, really? Not like all fault was mine, we both know that, it’s just...I shouldn’t had curse and stuff. I’m not generally bad, I hope you don’t hold any grudge to me. We’ll chat on a group, ye? 

…

And no answer. Maybe he is that furious? You sure hoped he wasn’t. Or she. Or anyone that was. With a heavy sigh you stood up, got yourself warm cup of tea to chill a little bit more. You’ll go to sleep...eventually. 

By sleep you mean passing out on your desk, face down. Your poor arms...and back...it’ll hurt, that’s for sure. Watching Netflix till late was a bad idea. Good thing it’s weekend, right? Your day of freedom from responsibilities! 

What time is it…?

You locked your eyes on your room’s clock which was 6 minutes late from time but you’re too lazy to fix that. It was - according to your always late clock - 01:06 pm. You still felt sleepy, but it’ll be fine, right? Slowly, you rubbed your wake-up tears from your eyes and looked at screen in front of you. A few pings from group chat from admin role and one private message. Huh, neat, time to eat- hold on, wait a minute. Private message? You sat up straightly and clicked on it right away. This is this unforgiven fella! After you wrote this short message you grinned weakly and went off of your room to wake up properly.

TheUnforgiven01: no problem, it’s nice how you defend what you believe in.  TheUnforgiven01: am sorry too.  TheUnforgiven01: not sure if i am good at chatting in group, but we always can hit each other up here? TheUnforgiven01: if you want to TheUnforgiven01: and i didn’t mean to sound weird TheUnforgiven01: ah whatever, answer here if you want or not, bye.

You made yourself your favourite breakfast, ate and thought about this little spam that person did. Kinda cute, maybe they’re self-concious, and joining chatting group was overhelming? You’ll answer after refreshing cup of [coffee/tea/hot chocolate], you promised yourself. You never write to anyone before morning cup. To summarize  your morning routine, the hot drink had to be in your now favourite cup. Earlier one got shattered into pieces by your unaware of consequences cat. You weren’t mad at it, but at yourself for leaving the cup on windowsill instead of hiding it properly. That kind of sad event for you made you buy this cup from that new music group you enjoyed listening to. True Damage, wasn’t it? You never liked rap, but this boy Ekko nailed stuff. You loved everyone equally in this group, but never understood that long-haired, masked (you assumed) asian man and his influence. He was there, maybe he made the music in the background, compositor? He seemed too mysterious for you, but meh. He fit group’s aesthetic, and you were sure he had his place in there, and it’s fine. Maybe you figure it out once you see them live, since, what a shocker, they had a tour around the world and were not only in your country, but in your town too! They'll be here in like… 6 months from now? You can't wait! Bonus to that: No long trip ahead of you, just buying tickets and going, you were hyped for that.

Meanwhile this waterfall of thoughts you managed to drink and eat everything, and as responsible as you can get, you washed the dishes right away, going back to your PC to answer this maybe-shy fella.

[nick]: Didn’t figured you’d like to talk ‘privately’, but whatever floats your boat ;)  TheUnforgiven01: i changed my mind, don’t write to me again. [nick]: Hey, hey! I was just joking around, don’t be like that! :(( TheUnforgiven01: i am unforgiven, and you are too in this situation. TheUnforgiven01: i honestly joined to make one friend in this group and leave TheUnforgiven01: and didn’t got any chance of meeting anyone else but you TheUnforgiven01: and you wrote to me first into priv, so that’s the start. TheUnforgiven01: can it stay like that?  TheUnforgiven01: if we won’t like each other it’s chill to just say oficial bye and stop, just sayin. [nick]: As for someone who types so fast you don’t make that much of typos, isn’t that amazing?  TheUnforgiven01: maubie. TheUnforgiven01: maybe* TheUnforgiven01: fuck you just jinxed it. 

You genuely laughed by this little mistake, you didn’t saw that coming and it amused you. You weren’t much of a talkative person yourself, but writing to someone, not seeing their face and such was much easier. And consequences of making yourself of a fool are much smaller than knowing someone from the same - let’s assume - town. [nick]: I’m sorry I did, but the moment I picked to say that was funny, wasn’t it? Nothing to be ashamed off, it often happens to me too! TheUnforgiven01: didn’t saw you make a typo yet. [nick]: Because I’m giving way too much attention not to do a typo since I want to make a good impression on you. Sounds good? TheUnforgiven01: … TheUnforgiven01: sounds good, relatable actually. 

Well, now at least you know you’re stuck in the same situation. 

And that awkward situation was two weeks ago. 

Now? Now you’re talking daily. From all you know, your, as he called it - corresponding buddy - is a very busy he. He didn’t revealed his real name, which you assumed that he’s embarassed about it. You told him what you’re doing in life generally, while he just said he’s normal, let me quote: “big-ass adult who lives with parents but work in some fast-food, at least i’m trying.” which was cool for you, at least he didn’t lock himself in his parents’ basement. Unforgiven was a chill dude and at the beginning you thought he’d only hit you up with Star Guardian topics, but later? You started talking about yourselves, about other interests. 

[nick]: Hey? [nick]: I assume you’re busy today, again… [nick]: I was wondering, what are you busy with? I mean, you said you work on some fast-food place, then sit in your room, are you gaming? I’d understand that, I was just...thinking. [nick]: Sorry if I seem pushy, it’s just that I really grew on chatting with you and was wondering when are you free again! Heh.  [nick]: We’ll talk later, then, hit me up when you can!

You pushed yourself back on your chair, groaning. You totally were pushy, but didn’t meant to - that’s what you thought, but it’s totally normal, you’re just interested with someone you just met. You chatted with a lot of persons in the group, etc. but no one had your interest pointed directly at them, that’s a big something. You kinda felt like you’re opening too fast for him too, and you had no clue if that’s ok. You cover your eyes with hands, overthinking your situation with unnamed male. When your thoughts started to be not too pleasant you heard your communicator's sound going off. As fast as you pushed yourself back, you were that fast in front of your PC. 

TheUnforgiven01: i have a break now.  TheUnforgiven01: i'm sorry [nick], I am not ignoring you on purpose.  TheUnforgiven01: i enjoy talking to you too, don't ever think oterwide  TheUnforgiven01: otherwise* TheUnforgiven01: we'll talk about that later.  TheUnforgiven01: now, how are you? i hope i didn't made you sad.  [nick]: No, no! It's OK! I understand you have a real life too, I assume a real life friends too. That's normal, that's okay.  TheUnforgiven01: i like you. i can consider you as my friend, but.  [nick]: But?  TheUnforgiven01: but you should not consider me as yours.  [nick]: What t? Why?/?? / TheUnforgiven01: my break's over, i gtg. i'll catch you later.  [nick]: Okay, later! 

Your hands twitched uncontrollably after that weird message. What did he mean? You're his friend but he's not yours? It kinda worried you, but you went to do your stuff until he has time to talk. Maybe it sounds cliché but you wait impatiently until he starts a chat with you and you know each other for only two weeks. 

It made you worry about your friend. Maybe he has some troubles you don't know about for sure? You only had to hope it's not gang involved. You were sure to later tell a few words to him. 

You ate out with one of your friends, just to eat, chill around. As you weren't sure what to do generally about "unforgiven situation", you decided to ask her:  - Uh,  it's kinda awkward, but can I ask you for advice? -  you ask.   - Oh of course! What's going inside of your pretty little head?   - So I met someone on my group-  - Nerd group? -  she interrupted.   - Yeah, that one. -  you admitted with defeat. Honestly, no matter what you say, she still keeps on going with nerd club. -  And there was that guy, he started arguing with me. Later we apologized to each other and now we're chatting for two weeks everyday, but about how much do we write depends if he's free or not. Today he said something odd, have a look. 

You moved your phone so your friend can see mysterious message from Unforgiven. She sighed and then looked at you with that pity look of hers.   - What?   - Honey, swettie… you have two options. One: he's really trying to make you think of him. Two: he really means it. You should start off with "I'm worried about you!" and tell him how you really feel.   - Okay. Okay… I just. I don't know what's going on with him.   - Why are you so moved of that? You know each other for only two weeks. Are you… Crushing on him?!?!   - WHAT? Nonononono, you got that wrong, I just want to get to know him! That's all, really!   - Uh-huh! When he's free today, you get him, tiger! Just won't get into any trouble, sweetheart. 

You sighed, then smiled at her, closing your eyes in satisfaction.  You're a lot calmer now.  "Thank you, [friends name].” You said, until you both went back on chatting about everything. 

And when you were back? You dressed yourself to home wearing, sat down comfortably on the couch and checked your phone. Unforgiven actually wrote to you first! And a lot. 

TheUnforgiven01: hey. TheUnforgiven01: sorry I had to go all of sudden, work stuff, had shorter break.  TheUnforgiven01: i don’t want you to think i don't want to get to know you, i do.  TheUnforgiven01: it's just hard for me, ‘n stuff.  TheUnforgiven01: we'll get to it, please give me some time.  TheUnforgiven01: you'll know everything about me in no time, just give me some and we'll be friends, true ones.  TheUnforgiven01: if you'd want to, ofc.  TheUnforgiven01: hit me up when you're back from your little date. 

You gave into every single message a lot of focus. You weren't sure what to say at first, but decided to just go for it. 

[nick]: It's OK! I was worried about you, but if you say I'll get to know all the things about you in time, I'll go with it! But remember this one thing: I consider you as my friend, no matter what. We'll get through your insecurities and secrets, I'll be patiently waiting! 

[nick]: And it was NOT a DATE. I was out with my friend!! >:( TheUnforgiven01: yeah, sure, you playa. TheUnforgiven01: better be good.  [nick]: Very funny!  TheUnforgiven01: for me it is.  [nick]: Aren't you tired after work? You don't want to sleep?  TheUnforgiven01: i thought you genuinely missed me, buy you want me out right now.  TheUnforgiven01: now i'm sad.  [nick]: It's not like that! I'm just worried about you, goofball.  TheUnforgiven01: sure, explain yourself even more. TheUnforgiven01: only guilty explain themselves.  [nick]: Come on!! D: TheUnforgiven01: i can chat for a bit and then go. 

You chatted and chatted, slowly getting to know his character, but he still remained as Unforgiven, unnamed boy you slowly, but in agony, fell for. It's been three months from your first encounter. 

You wonder how are you going to ask him about a next step in your friendship. It is, indeed, hard. Good question is why are you the first to ask? It almost hurt imagining yourself with blank space, nor even voice known to begin with. You fell hard for dude you only know behind Unforgiven, and wanted to hear his voice. You were ready for him to decline, but you won't know without trying. 

He said he'll be back pretty late today, and he may not write, but he left you a warning pretty early in the morning. You weren't sure why did he woke up so early, but you just shrugged it, saying that he must be in some other time zone. You didn't even knew where he is from, this man is a big mystery for you.

You waited for him to come back in your bed, before sleeping.  You had to ask that question now or never, you know if you'll put it for tomorrow you want do that anytime soon. It has to be done. It was 2am now and your eyelids were getting heavy. Reading books or literally anything wasn't helping at all, and when your body demands rest. You almost drifted to sleep, but then

Ding! 

It was him, before sleep you assumed. No matter what you did you always wrote to each other, even stupid "goodnight for later, I'm going to sleep now, be sure to rest enough." was there. 

Your eyes were wide open and you moved your hand to the phone way too fast as for almost sleeping person. 

TheUnforgiven01: hey.  TheUnforgiven01: i'm aftwr work TheUnforgiven01: i am really tires ya kno TheUnforgiven01: fuck typos in lsrticilar  [nick]: Particular?  TheUnforgiven01: you're not asleep yet? damn  [nick]: I was kinda waiting for you, you know?  TheUnforgiven01: oh really? what's the occasion? [nick]: It's… I have a question for you.  TheUnforgiven01: aight, give me your shot.  [nick]: Would you like to… agh it's stupid.  TheUnforgiven01: no, go ahead.  [nick]: We write with each other for a while now and I was wondering if…  [nick]: If you'd like to make a phone call, maybe? Or, voice call, anything really? No personal questions, just five minute chatting about anything. Promise? 

Yasuo hesitated for a longer bit. Should he agree? He don't use his voice in his recordings, so maybe he should? He treats this person like someone close, so why should he avoid them like a plague? He saw little mark above chat window which suggested you furiously were typing. He sighed, smiling softly to his phone's screen. 

TheUnforgiven01: it's alright,don't worry.  TheUnforgiven01: we can chat a bit.  TheUnforgiven01: we can call here, you know. for you to avoid any additional payment. 

You sigh with relief. Okay, he did agree. What now?? Holy shit. You were more than nervous. You didn't saw that coming and because of all of this you forgot to answer him. You almost jumped when you got another message. 

TheUnforgiven01: i'll call first, since i see you're nervous.  TheUnforgiven01: i'll hit you up in 5 min. answer me by then. 

It maybe was stupid, but you checked yourself in the mirror, almost like before date. You fixed your hair, checked if nothing was stuck between your teeth, wash your face, and your time slipped between your fingers, your phone was ringing with typical for your communicator song. You jumped, then panicked, then jumped beside your phone and slowly answered your call before it ended sending a signal.

- H...hello? - your voice croaked out of nervousness. You mentally slapped your forehead, classical facepalm. - Hi. - you heard calm voice with that tune of tiredness, that little growl at the end. His voice was soft, warm, pleasant. You smiled right away. - Damn, you sound so chilled out while I am...wow. I am a blushing mess right now, I wanted this but don’t know what to say to you! Like, wow!   - Maybe start with how was your day? I’d love to hear that. - that was just an excuse, but you didn’t knew that.  - Oh...kay. It was fine. Boring, to be honest. Woke up, drank [tea/coffee/hot chocolate] from this True Damage cup I once told you about, went out, made my boring everyday routine, was thinking how I should ask you about talking, then went back home, bored my ass off on some documentaries and here we are, talking!  - Sounds fun. - he commented shortly. Even if it might sound like he doesn’t care, you understood that he just was like that. That stupid feeling.  - Maybe you’ll tell me something you did today? - Something I’d love to do, but I must avoid that. Not today, [nick]. - Call me [y/n], okay? That’s my real name. You don’t have to tell me yours! I’d like you to call me [y/n] though. - That’s a nice name. Like the sound of it. - his goddamn voice will be the end of yours. You sighed loudly with this goofy smile. - Thank you so much. So, if not the day, tell me something you actually can share. - I was thinking about you today. - he shot these words right through your heart.  - O-Oh? Re-really? - you stuttered, hating yourself for that.  - Heheh, yeah. - he chuckled, making you forget about hating your stutter since it made him laugh in this tone. This goddamn tone. - Was thinking if you were alright. And because your pathetic ass was distracting me from work, my boss forced me to go on break! Used it to smoke, but none then less, thanks. - Hey, your bad for wandering off in work! And quit smoking, dumbass! - you scolded him, ending this “”very serious”” scold with a laugh, which Yasuo answered with louder, honest laugh. You were all red by now. - God, it’s good talking to you. Let’s do that more often. Not every day, but...you know. More often. - O-okay. Okay, sure. Cool. - you answered,trying to kill this little squeal in your throat. - I’ll have to go to sleep, [y/n]. Sleep well, ok? - No promise, but you have a rest. Thank you, again. For agreeing. - Heh. No problem, I am glad I did agree too. Sleep tight. - another chuckle, then hanging up sound.

Well, what can I say. This was the most emotion-forcing call you ever had. He wished you good night, you had trouble falling asleep. 

Generally speaking, you had a talk like that once in three days. The big day of concert was coming, so you decided to ask Unforgiven if he is interested in coming too. You’re searching for a chance of meeting him in real life. 

Yasuo expected from incoming call anything but question what was awaiting him. He was having a flight with a band to [town’s name] in next three days, so he had to tell you he can’t really talk as you both always do. When he heard a communicator’s song, he pressed answer button right away, smiling to his phone like you could see he’s happy to see you. - Hewwo? - he answered in very forced squeaky voice, which made you erupt with laughter. - Hey, goofball. How was your day? - Lazy. Was distracted a lot, I was waiting for out call before sleep. So, what’s new? - Today was okay’ish, you know? I’m not even that tired. Maybe being excited makes me go cray-cray.  - Psh, good. - he looked at himself in the mirror, seeing how wide his smile was. Almost concerning.  - Hey, dude? - Hm?  - Are you...by any chance, going to see True Damage in [Town’s name]? I never asked you about your music taste but I was wondering. Wondering that if you’d be here...maybe we’ll meet? ‘Cuz, you know. I’ll be here.  - I- - his voice was stuck in his throat. Oh. Shit. Fuckfuckfuck. Not good. What now?  -...you? Are you okay?  - Ahm- yes, it’s just that. You’re...hella right. I will be there.  - OH REALLY? - you asked unecessarly too loud, then cleared your throat. - A-and...you’d like to meet?  - Uhhh… - fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck -  Yeah. Sure. I’d love to finally see you. Can you imagine this feeling? We don’t know how we look, so finding each other would be insane, but can you imagine the result?  - Me, asking some random dudes “Hey, are you Unforgiven?” ? No, let’s send each other selfies, maybe? - Nah, I’d love to see you embarrass yourself. - HEY!  - Okay, okay. I promise we’ll find each other. I won’t go home until we do. - Promise you won’t leave me out? - Promise.  - Thank you. I’ll go to sleep, so we’ll catch up later, ok? By- he cut you out. - Wait, [y/n]. I have to tell you something real quick.  - Yeah? - you pulled your phone back to ear. - I won’t be too available around these days. But at the day of concert I’ll call you in the morning. I won’t be in any reach of connection, I hope you understand. - Uh..okay. Thank you for telling me. Good night, sleep tight. - ‘Night. 

You hung up. It’s alright, it’s ok. Nothing to sweat. You’ll only meet your crush in three days only. 

OKAY NEVERMIND IT IS AMAZING. You - thankfully - fell asleep pretty fastly. 

To be fair, these three days? Were going through slow in agonizing way, but when the day of concert hit up, your heart was racing since you woke up. You had that five minute talk with Unforgiven, as he promised, assuring you that he is going to be there for sure. After you hung up, you started preparing yourself! You wore your best clothes, made sure you look stunning but not too overrated and just dived into it! You gladly told your friend you’re meeting your crush, informing her with that she’s not forced to go see True Damage with you anymore. She was more of Pentakill person, and it was alright. She wanted to go along since she knew how “un-funny” would it be without her, but you knew her real motive was you not feeling alone. So when she acknowledged that you’re not going to be alone, she said she’s glad she doesn’t have to listen to Ekko and Qiyana’s rapping. Well, good noone is forced.

At first,you wanted to find Unforgiven right away, but gave up and focused on music experience. You wanted to be there beside him, but well, maybe he lost connection again and couldn’t hit you up. And you had hell of a fun in there! But somewhere deep inside you were worried that he just tricked you and will never show up or tell you where he is exactly. 

True Damage’s crew said final goodbyes and after some stumbles, it was quiet on stage. Everyone kept cheering or talking, sometimes screaming unecessarly. Still, not a single sight of Unforgiven. Well, at least you got to know what this long haired guy was doing in the crew. Epic T-pose and manipulated music with this sword looking thingy. Amazing effects. You decided to find yourself sitting place somewhere, staring at your phone screen. No message, no missed calls, not anything. It made you sad, that’s true, but maybe he’ll catch up? You waited. And waited.

And waited.

And the more you waited, the more you felt tears getting into your eyes. You were ready to burst into sobbing mess, but then your phone rang. This stupid communicator song. You answered up right away with little sniff” - Where the hell are you? You said that- - I know, [y/n]. I am here, let me instruct you where I am right now. Where are you? - You should be one searching for me, you know? I almost thought you weren’t coming, what’s up with that? - you unintentionally raised your voice, letting out a sob meanwhile that. Yasuo felt so bad now. - Listen...I’ll tell you everything. Everything will be explained when you’ll see me. I hope you’ll forgive me. If not, it’ll be this “official goodbye” moment, can you trust me this one last time? - ...fuck. Fuck, okay. I am on the bench close to food truck. You? - Stand up then, go to the barriers understage.  - Understage…? Alrigt, wh-atever you say.

You blindly went in there, trusting this man “for the last time”, as he said. You’d give him the last chance he’s begging for. You stood here like an idiot, alone with stages lights shining on your face. No one in sight. - I hope you’re not joking… - How would I know where should you go then? - Point...it’s just that- - Shh. It’s ok. You head to the left now if you’re facing the stage. Tell me when you’re done. - … done…? - Okay. now open this little metal gate and get through. - Wha-what?? Why would I? Securities will kick me out if they find out! - They won’t. It’s ok.  -You’re...one of the security guards, right?  - Information when you get there. come on in.  - You were so anxious about this situation. It just seems sketchy. He never revealed any information about him, maybe spread some lies you believed in. Who was this dude now? Was everything you knew a lie? - And? I don’t see anyone. - Are you wearing [your fav. hoodie/flannel/whatever you want it to be!]?  - U-uh? Yeah, and you’re…? - Turn around, goof. I am standing right there. - … - you felt your heart stop, you weren’t able to breathe. You slowly turned around to see noone else than this mysterious japanese DJ you had a chance to see on stage. What- how- that were questions which were going almost like on loop in your head. - Stunned, huh? - he commented into the phone, then took it off of his face and ended call. It confirmed that it was him too - at the same time his phone went dark after single tap, your call ended. 

You didn’t even got to give out bigger reaction. You just met him! Screw that he’s popular and hid his identity from you! For now. You ran into his arms and squeezed him, now sobbing like mad. 

- You FUCKER! You could’ve said ANYTHING! All these secrets, what for! I kinda understand but- FUCK! - you shouted into his shoulder while he squeezed you in almost bone crushing hug. - I’m sorry, ok? - and it was his voice, sounded almost the same. Holy shit. - I’m so, so sorry, [y/n]. But at least I can be honest? - Then please be. Tell me everything you wanted to say. - It’ll be long, trust me, but well. Here goes nothing. - he put his hand on your cheek and clears your face from those tears you shed because of him. - I...wanted to tell you my name after like two weeks. I got worried you’ll find out after we talk some, so I did avoid personal information. While I was at it, I never wanted to lie. About my work and my day. I just lied at the beginning, then regret it deeply, but felt like I couldn’t take that back. [y/n]- fuck- I just- I didn’t wanted to be treated differently. I am popular and most people stop seeing a human in me because I’m a celebrity! It hurt me to avoid you getting to know me - heck, it hurt me to see you avoiding asking me about personal stuff because you understood. I appreciated it, but it hurt you had to remain silent while you were curious as hell, I assume. You wanted to hear me out, treated me like I am just like you, reached out to me. I grew on that, I want… I don't want to lose you. Please, forgive me.  - I… it's… it's okay. I should call you…  - Yasuo. It's Yasuo, [y/n].  - I'll get to know you all over, just be honest with me.  You're still human and I want to be close to you. I… ah. I'll just let it out pleasedon'thateme. I… fell for you. Hard. You were a bug mystery for me but still wanted to be around me. I kept still since you're pretty important to me. Thank you for being there by this 6 months, let's continue whatever we have between each other. Please. 

… 

Yasuo moved his mask down to capture your face between his hands and kissed you, it seemed like a rough start, but kiss was soft, magical. You just smoothed, nibbling on your lips. Yasuo was now thanking you a lot, which you only replied with weak laughs and pats on his back. He promised he'll keep you as close as he can. 

Yasuo had to continue his tour around the world with True Damage, but promised he'll take a lot of day off so he can work up lost time with you. It's been a month and you wait for him almost like wife waiting for her husband's return after military duty. 

Yasuo took two weeks off, but if he'll need more -  it'll be for you to decide. You were spending today inside since it was raining. It was dark outside already, the only source of light was candles in living room. Yasuo was holding you close to himself, moving side to side, swaying gently, adoring your every inch of face. - Lately I found this song on youtube, it was originally from vocaloid.it kind off remind me of us.  - Vocaloid song? You know true meaning of lyrics for sure, tell me about it then!  - I can sing a part of it for you, if you'd want to?  - You can sing?  - Of course! I just don't use it for my songs. Everyone else sing much better, my voice is too…  - Too sexy for the world?  - Hahaha, maybe! Want to check out for sure? I'll sing in English for you.  - Sheesh, what a nerd. Okay, give me your best shot. 

Yasuo took a deep breath in, and made sure before he starts to sing he looks into your eyes. He started like he was unsure, but with time he sang wholeheartedly. 

"Though both of us will die one day

Though this life is useless anyway

When you're here by my side, you make me feel like it'll be okay

And yet we laughed despite it all

At this life which has no meaning at all

Two lonely and broken souls leaning on each other's sides

I'm glad that you're you, that I'm me, and for us two

I'm kinda glad that you're evil too"

While he was pouring his emotion on you, you felt your chest clench and tear up after intensity of his voice, he gave it out truly like he meant it.  You saw he wasn't done, so you tried to remain calm. 

"When the day starts anew, hope I spend it with you-" 

You felt your cheeks burn with your tears pouring down whole you smiled widely at him. He was singing loudly, forgetting about embarrassment. 

"I'm glad that I fell in love with you."

From today, this song made by PinnocchioP was more than important for both of you. It felt like it was especially made for you, and you both loved it. 

[the-yerkes-dodson-curve]

SO LET’S TALK ABOUT THE NEW SANDERS SIDES VIDEO

This is gonna be a long post. I have a lot of thoughts about this episode. There is going to be some serious talk about my own personal experiences with violent intrusive thoughts and also me just appreciating this amazing episode. 

I was one of the people that was convinced it was going to be about depression. I am so glad it wasn’t. A lot of people have talked about depression, but no one, at least as far as I know, have really touched upon intrusive thoughts. I had the exact same dilemma as Thomas last year where I thought I was going insane because I couldn’t control my own brain and I had a horrible mental breakdown and I was convinced I was a horrible person because of my intrusive thoughts. I cried and talked to people about it and through doing so it was made clear to me that these intrusive thoughts were just that, thoughts. Nothing more. They hold nothing over me. I still suffer from them, but now I know what they are.

I was also certain there wasn’t going to be another side introduced. It’s been a year since Deceit was introduced, we’ve only just gotten to know Deceit a little better, there won’t be another side. BOY WAS I WRONG

The episode starts with Thomas, Virgil and Patton trying not to think about the intrusive thoughts he was having that kept him awake. I have intrusive thoughts like that all the time. I vividly imagine my family members dying, or even myself dying. I vividly imagine someone breaking into the house and killing me. My brain does what Virgil and Patton do, freak out and try to think about something else. This video has made me realise how much I repress thoughts like that.

My anxiety also makes me have intrusive thoughts. Whenever I have an anxiety attack I vividly imagine myself killing myself in gory detail because I’ve gotten into this cycle of hating myself whenever I have an attack. I get scared, what if I lose control one day and these thoughts become reality?

I love how the audio became muffled and the intrusive thought creeped in. I like to think of the mind like a radio, tuning in and out of different frequencies, and sometimes, or most of the time like for me, you can’t control the frequencies it jumps to. And suddenly you’re imagining your loved one being killed or dying.

I SCREAMED BLOODY MURDER WHEN THOSE HANDS CREEPED OUT

I WAS NOT EXPECTING A NEW SIDE AT ALL

I WAS SO TERRIFIED

HOLY SHIT THAT CHARACTER DESIGN I AM IN LOVE STRAIGHT AWAY 

BUT AAAAAAAA WHAT ARE YOU DOING WHAT THE HELL

When he smacked Roman in the head and knocked him out I was so shook, this Sanders Sides has stepped into totally new territory

LOOK AT HIM OMG HE HAS A MOUSTACHE I WASN’T EXPECTING A NEW SIDE TO HAVE FACIAL HAIR HOLY SHIT 

THE DUKE

HIS VOICE

HE HAS A DIFFERENT VOICE

THERE IS NO ENDING TO THOMAS’ TALENT

The way the song starts is eVeRyThInG

THESE EFFECTS I CAN’T DEAL AAAAAAAAA

I FUCKING SCREAMED

HIS SIX ARMS I LOVE IT REMUS’ SASSY STANCE I AM LIVING FOR IT

If you shared those musings with your friends, I doubt they would forgive you.

Gosh. I relate to this too much. I was so scared that I would somehow reveal these bad thoughts to people and they would hate me and everyone would hate me and think I was an awful person.

Even though everybody sins, everybody dies.

FAVOURITE PART OF THE SONG HANDS DOWN THOMAS’ VOICE IS AMAZING AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Why deny yourself knowledge, say, knowledge of yourself!

These lyrics are amazing. They encapsulating what I was thinking when I had really bad intrusive thoughts. I still have them, but when I first started noticing I had them I spiralled so far down. “What if this is who I am...what if I’m not the nice person I think I am?”

hELP I LOVE HIM BUT I HATE HIM BUT I LOVE HIM

I always love the villain. I hate everything they’ve done and don’t condone any of it, but I absolutely love them, especially if they are as fabulous as the Duke Remus.

These sorts of things are only thought in the mind of a man whose soul is truly rotten.

Oof. I relate to that thought process.

So let all your hopes of heaven be forgotten, ‘cause your head’s not in the gutter, pal, it’s in hell!

I wasn’t expecting religious imagery. I really love that. I don’t relate to the religious ideas brought up in this episode as I am not religious, but I do love the fact that he talked about them. Also, when Deceit said, “Wow, Thomas, it seems that your moral compass is pointed south, towards hell!” that was definitely foreshadowing for Thomas to spiral into this. That’s why Patton reacted so viscerally to that comment.

Remus: Juicy butthole!

Me:

Me:

Me: what...what is happening in this Sanders Sides

THIS FACE I LOVE IT

THE JAZZ HANDS AND THE HIGH VOICE AAAAAA WHY DO I LOVE HIM AND HATE HIM

Patton did a real good job!

Oh my goodness, this precious boi.

How about...DEMENTED?

I  C H O K E D

What is my deal? Um, bitch? What is YOUR deal?

My exact thought process. “Am I actually a horrible person because I’m having such awful thoughts like this, there’s definitely something wrong with me...but I can’t stop it...”

Oh no....oh no!

My heart broke at the horror and sadness that washes over Thomas’ and Patton’s face.

another good remus screenshot

Oh my goodness, the way he tortures Logan throughout the episode was awful for me to watch cause MY BABY LOGAN, but I love how Logan doesn’t react. I love Logan’s determination.

You bastard.

IT WAS A LONG TIME COMING HELL YES VIRGIL

I’d love to see the bloopers for this bit, oh my gosh.

Ooh! How fun! You know who could help us with that?

AWW MAN YOU GOT MY HOPES UP XDD

That’s what repression is!?

I love Patton’s reaction, cause I had the same reaction. Repression is so easy to do cause you often don’t know you are doing it.

This is not about me wanting to be listened to. You all are not listening to Thomas.

THIS CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT OH MY GOSH

Virgil: But what if he’s lying?

Logan: I can assure you, he’s not. You’re just para- expressing an unhealthy amount of concern. Thank you for being on guard. But for now, you must listen.

I love this part so much. It calls back to when Roman almost called Virgil paranoid, but then switched it to vigilant. Logan realised he was getting too worked up and angry and so stopped himself. This is great development from when he lashed out at Roman in Learning New Things About Ourselves. Calling Virgil “paranoid” is destructive and will make Virgil not feel listened to. He is aware of that. He is making sure Virgil still feels like he’s a valued part of Thomas’ mind.

another good remus screenshot

THAT IS WHY I SAY IT!

GOSH I LOVE LOGAN SO MUCH YES LOGAN GO OFF

I love being given two d’s at once!

Me:

Me:

Me: ...again what is happening

When Logan revealed that the problem was within Patton and Virgil, my heart dropped. I wasn’t expecting that.

Record scratch!?

I LOVE HIM AAAAA

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN AM I COOL DOES THIS MAKE ME COOL

OMG PRECIOUS BOI AAAA

I WAS SO SHOOK WHEN HE SAID HIS NAME JUST LIKE THAT

ALSO THAT SLY DIG AT VIRGIL AAAAA

oof. this sad boi. :”(

Oh shut up, Nerdy Wolverine!

OMG I JUST REALISED THIS IS WHAT ROMAN SAYS AT THE END AAAAA

I  S C R E A M E D

we just witnessed a side die guys

the angst fanfiction is coming to life

The Duke only has power over you because Virgil and Patton believe that he does.

Hit me hard. I’ve never related more to a Sanders Sides episode.

This. THIS. So poignant and brilliant! This is how it feels!

good logan screenshot

Virgil was right. Not all thoughts are meaningful.

This idea is what helped me better deal with intrusive thoughts. Your brain just fires random thoughts at you, they don’t necessarily mean anything.

I mean, look at him now! He barely got any rest due in large part to you two chastising him all night!

I love how Logan tells them off. UGH I LOVE HIM

And that is why the Duke feels like such a threat, in part, at least. The feeling that you may be a bad person who doesn’t have control over yourself or your destiny, causes you to fear that you may actually act on these thoughts.

Gosh this episode is hitting me hard. 

It’s okay.

Everything is okay.

Logan’s soft voice as he said that made me emotional. His whole speech here is so lovely and helpful. It is okay to have these thoughts cross your mind. You are not a horrible person.

His talk about going to therapy is amazing too. It’s so inspiring. It has encouraged me to want to go back to the therapy because of my recent increase in violent intrusive thoughts.

Oh my goodness, Patton’s realisation and development. This is lovely. 

You tickle me, emo!

...was that a tickle me elmo reference

Good seeing you again, Virgil! It was just like old times!

Me:

Me:

Me: wAIT A MINUTE--

Oh shut up, Nerdy Wolverine! NO! Ugh...I mean...I’m sorry, Logan. I didn’t mean that.

THERE’S SO MUCH CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT IN THIS EPISODE I CAN’T DEAL

Thomas: You’re really...cool.

Logan: ...heh.

Me: ACTUALLY SOBBING

THESE TWIN BROTHERS OH MY GOODNESS YES

It shows you...everything you don’t want to be.

There are some really hard hitting lines in this episode.

I’m a little disappointed in myself.

The others. I thought I knew how to handle them.

Yeah, but, I should know better.

Because I was one of them.

Virgil being insecure about his power and how much he can protect Thomas almost makes me cry. That last line...oh my goodness. Thomas and his team really know how to write a narrative. It seems that we’re gonna get some lore and backstory at some point after all.

Thomas and his team have done such a good job with this episode. It is my favourite Sanders Sides by far because of the fact that this topic has not really been talked about much, and they talked about it and showed what it’s like so brilliantly. I respect Thomas so much for pushing the boundaries of his channel to talk about this. Thank you, Thomas. I and and so many people needed this.

I realise that I need to go back to therapy. Thank you, Logan for encouraging me.

[thescribblingtamsin]

alice archive: the tale of the porridge

This story has a different title if you read the official version. On the shelf, it could say “The Account of the Bears” or “The Record of the Goldilocks Incident” or something boring like that. But I don’t like any of those. The important part, I believe, is the porridge.

Clancy: Or it could be your suppertime.

Porridge is always important, Clancy, not just around suppertime.

Clancy: Very well.

Porridge and animals and children were all valuable during the Fairytale Crusade. That’s why Ava and Cromer targeted them so.

Clancy: The animals and children, of course—not the porridge.

Oh yes. The porridge just happened to be there sometimes. Ava hunted the children and Cromer hunted the beasts. All of his stories have giant wolves or ominous ravens or wild bears in them. He thought he could control them—and many times, he was right. He had dark magic of his own; he never needed Korbl’s. This made it quite easy for him to scare beasts into submission or convince them he was their master.

Beasts. They make me ever so nervous. I don’t like them. Not unless they’re small and cuddly like my cat.

Clancy: I have to agree with you there, Alice. I could do without Cromer’s beasts.

As scary as they are, though Clancy, Ava scared people much more.

Clancy: That she did. Does. She continues to do so.

Hunting children in the Fairytale Crusade was what ugly witches with ovens did. But Ava did it with a pretty face and a kind smile.

Clancy: Which is often more terrifying. For children and men alike.

Well, she and Cromer used to love fairy tales. They usually have children or animals or both. They loved the ones with both.

Clancy: They were the most atrocious team in the history of the Scada.

Yes, now sit quietly, Clancy. I need to tell them about Gigi first.

Clancy: Of course, I’m sorry. This story makes me particularly anxious.

That’s alright. It made her anxious, as well. And Gigi was alone, as she often was. Her father was a local magistrate who worked very long hours; her mother laid around the house napping so much that you’d think she was dead to the world nearly six hours a day. This left Goldilocks to fend for herself most days. Most people called her “Gigi” of course. Her hair was golden blond, but the name “Goldilocks” was far too long for most people to say. It’s too long for me to say, at least, so I shall call her “Gigi”.

She was an excellent cook but never had the proper ingredients in the house. So she wandered and stole from neighbours’ gardens and such so she could make herself some bread or salad or porridge.

Her neighbours caught her stealing and kept a watchful eye on her after some time. With no more options for groceries, Gigi took long walks in the forest near the village, hunting for mushrooms or berries. She knew which mushrooms make the best soup, but not which berries were poisonous. She’s lucky she didn’t get very far before wandering near the cottage of the three bears, so she never brought herself to try any berries that would be the death of her.

The three bears kept a very tidy home. And they had three of nearly everything—a small, a medium, and a large. They weren’t at all like regular bears. Very few animals in fairy tales are the way you’d probably imagine. They talk and go on adventures and cook themselves supper and forget to make the bed occasionally. Just like a human being, I suppose, if Gigi had politely asked to enter their cottage and have some food, they would have let her join them for breakfast and even offered her some tea.

Clancy: Or perhaps not. Not all human beings like entertaining company unannounced.

But some human beings are like me—not all are like you, Clancy. If the bears had been anything like me at all, they would have offered her the porridge that was just right. If they were like Clancy, they’d tell her promptly to go home and pester her mother to cook some breakfast. But it doesn’t matter because the bears weren’t home. They were in the woods somewhere, stumbling across Cromer before returning home.

So, in their absence, Gigi helped herself.

She ate all three bowls of porridge. Well, that’s not true. She only tried a spoonful of the large one—it was too hot—and the smallest one—it was too cold. The medium-sized bowl was just right, and that’s the bowl she polished off to the end. I would have eaten all three because you never let food go to waste, especially once you’ve already started a bite of it.

It wasn’t her fault. Her mother never taught her good manners.

Clancy: I’m not at all surprised that you sympathize with her, Alice. Seems appropriate for another young girl who helps herself to food that is not rightly hers.

Once you’ve started something, you should always finish it, Clancy. It’s only right.

Anyway, once the porridge was eaten, she sat herself down on their comfortable armchairs. They weren’t as comfortable as ours here in the Arkis, I’m sure of it, but they were nice enough. The biggest one was far too large, the smallest was too narrow and tight, but the medium one was just right.

Within minutes of settling into the medium armchair, however, she began to feel quite tired. Porridge is very filling, you know, and napping is best done with a full stomach. So she bounded up the stairs to the bedroom.

Clancy: Let me guess: the small bed was too hard, the large bed was too soft, but the medium bed was just right, and so there she napped.

No, no, it was the other way round. The small bed was soft, and the large bed was hard. But it doesn’t matter now, Clancy. She napped in the medium bed-- you’re right about that. And just as she began to fall asleep, she heard the front door of the cottage open.

And it wasn’t the bears.

It was a lovely voice that called for anyone in the house to come out. It wasn’t scary or demanding or suspicious. But Gigi still felt she would get in trouble. She knew she wasn’t supposed to be in someone else’s house using all of their lovely things. So instead of coming down the stairs, she hid under the bed.

But the voice didn’t give up. It sounded concerned and sweet, even wanting to help her.

Ava always seemed ready to help. Clancy tells me it’s her favourite tactic.

Clancy: People in need of help are usually easier to fool.

Gigi didn’t need help anymore, though. She had already eaten and filled her belly. All she needed now was a nap, and she didn’t need Ava’s help napping. It was a simple enough task.

Gigi was good at hiding like I am. Clancy never finds me when we place hide-and-seek.

Clancy: We never really play hide-and-seek, Alice. You play “let’s hide from Clancy instead of sorting stories”.

I still win the game.

Clancy: In a sense, I suppose you do.

Their hide-and-seek was very short. It didn’t last as long as ours do. Because just as Ava started to climb the stairs to find her, Cromer burst through the door. He told her they needed to leave and forget everything else they meant to do. Ava was irritated, as she frequently was with him.

Remember how the three bears were in the woods stumbling across Cromer? He was there to recruit beasts. He always thought they were so much stupider than he was—it was usually quite easy for them to agree with him. But this time he tried something new. Instead of tricking the bears, he wanted to guarantee he could control them.

Ava warned about that magic. Controlling minds is a dangerous sort of magic. Not many can even do it, and those who can are rarely good at it.

Clancy: I don’t know of many who have succeeded, aside from Korbl himself.

I’m sure Myk could do it.

Clancy: But he never would. That’s not the sort of magic he does.

I didn’t say he would—I only meant he could if he wanted to because he’s so powerful. I’m sure I could do it if I so wished, as well.

Clancy: I don’t know about that.

I’m also very powerful, Clancy.

Clancy: I’m sure you are, but mind control isn’t exactly comparable to anything you’ve ever done. And besides, it utilizes a darker form of Galderean magic. A form with which you are thankfully unfamiliar.

Do you think Ava could do it?

Clancy: I’m afraid to imagine what Ava could do.

Well, she warned Cromer not to try something so challenging—especially on beasts large enough to cause damage if things were not to go his way. And that’s precisely what happened. When he tried to control the minds of the three bears, they went berserk.

They went mad.

Cromer managed to get away, but the bears proceeded to destroy the forest around them.

“We need to leave,” he told Ava.

She rolled her eyes. “Darling, you couldn’t have waited until I was finished?”

He grabbed her arm, ready to pull her out of the house, but she shot a nasty glare at him. “Suit yourself,” he let her go. “I’ll enjoy telling Korbl you’ve been torn to shreds.”

“Leaving me to clean up your mess?” she challenged, this time grabbing his arm.

Cromer was confused. The three bears had made it to the edge of the forest, mashing down trees as they ran. They were fast approaching, and Cromer couldn’t understand why Ava was urgently leaving.

Clancy: She’s always had her own sense of urgency.

I would have run straight back to the Arkis, taking Gigi with me, but Ava had a different idea. When she had a mess to clean up, she no longer cared about whatever child she was hunting. Gigi still hid under the bed and heard the loud stomping of the running bears. She knew she wasn’t going to be in too much trouble for breaking into their home because she’d be busy being eaten by mad animals who’d probably forgotten all about the porridge they left behind.

Why did they leave the porridge behind in the first place, Clancy? Why wouldn’t they eat it right away? I suppose the large bear’s was too hot to eat, but the other two shouldn’t have risked the porridge going cold and stale.

Clancy: That’s not really what’s important at the moment, Alice. The bears were fast approaching the cottage, on a rampage. Now, what did Ava do?

Oh, she did what she always did. She burned it all to the ground.

As the bears came closer, she told Cromer to leave the cottage while she stood in the doorway. Seeing a brand new thing to destroy, the mad bears ploughed through the cottage. Ava jumped out of the way and began setting fire to the lovely cottage they were wrecking.

She started with the upstairs, blasting fire in the bedroom to lure Gigi downstairs--it worked, for Gigi ran from the flames and into the kitchen, finally seeing Ava for the first time. The bears tore the drapes and the bedsheets and the armchairs.

Ava offered Gigi help, to get her out of the burning cottage. But Gigi saw the fire come from Ava’s hands and she was suddenly more afraid of her than the bears.

Gigi was terrified of fire. She had been since she was a small child.

Why would a firewoman be a decent saviour? Gigi didn’t think she could be, so she rejected Ava’s help. It was just as well. It was all a trap anyway. Ava would have stolen her away and kept her captive, for horrible experiments and brainwashing.

When she said no, Ava decided there was no more reason to be there. She set fire to the kitchen last of all. The oven exploded, and the kitchen drapes fell in flames. Just as Gigi tried to climb out the window, Ava blasted the hottest bowl of porridge at her.

Fire only makes hot porridge even hotter. Hot enough to burn skin. The porridge hit and fell down Gigi’s face and neck as she climbed free from the cottage. It was a painful waste of good porridge.

Ava disappeared, Gigi fell from the window to the cold ground, and the bears burned.

It was loud—the crackling of the massive flames and the roaring of the crazed bears as they died. Her skin hurt, and she never even got to take her nap.

After a few minutes of crying and whimpering, a man I’d know anywhere approached her. Timo travelled far and wide during the Fairytale Crusade, so it’s no wonder he came upon Gigi when she needed help.

Clancy: It’s no wonder. He had a habit of following the wreckage of the Scada.

He had a lot of medicinal things in his caravan of goods, so he gave her a balm for her burns. The wounds still scarred, but the salve took away some of the pain. He didn’t even ask for a payment, for he knew a young girl like her would have no money.

Clancy: Alice, he took her captive. He didn’t need her money—he just planned to sell her along with his other products and slaves. He’s an entrepreneur, not a hero.

I know you’re always telling me he’s bad, but I don’t always agree with you. Only sometimes. He’s not all bad. In fact, he’s sometimes rather interesting. He wasn’t always an entrepreneur, either; that’s a story for another time. In this story, he helps a wounded girl. That’s not all bad.

Clancy: Well, poor Goldilocks doesn’t have a happy ending. And he was no help.

Her story isn’t over yet, Clancy. None of them is. Not all of them have to end. And besides, he did help her with her burns.

Clancy: I’ll give him that. Now she’s just stuck travelling with a morally corrupt caravan of tradesmen.

I met him once, you know. But that was before he travelled with all of these fun characters. I thought he was lovely. I should’ve dearly loved to meet him after he collected people like Gigi and Marnie and Lanzo.

Clancy: Collected is the most appropriate word you could’ve used. He is a collector of sorts—collects the broken and lost things left behind. Hardly makes him respectable. He’s questionable at best.

He’s occasionally helpful with his collections. And not all of them are slaves—he pays some of them. And that’s not how slaves work. Besides, he’s helped heroes before too, Clancy. But it doesn’t matter right now anyway. There’s no point in arguing with me.

He’s not the point of the story.

Clancy: And what is the point of the story?

You should never break into cottages that don’t belong to you, you should never attempt to control animals, and you should most certainly never start fires in front of people who fear them—they’ll never trust you.

Clancy: I shall remember that the next time I find myself craving porridge.

As shall I, Clancy. As shall I.

[doof-doofblog]

"Their Mum Isn't Even Here, Jean!"

Monday 18th May 2020

Good Afternoon folks! I hope you've all had a good week, I'm sure you've all been made aware of the recent EastEnders news! For those of you who haven't heard, the soap writers and the rest of the team have been given the green light to start re-filming again, this is due to take place some time next month. However, it does mean that EastEnders will be taken off air for a few weeks until the time will come for them to start re-filming again. This is fantastic news that we've all been waiting for, we won't have to wait much longer than expected for us to get our usual 4 episodes a week back. How long the soap will be off air still remains unknown. It also has been revealed that script-writers will include characters talking about the current pandemic. I for one, feel it's amazing news to hear that plans are in place for our favourite actors and actresses to walk through the Square again! Crew will still make sure that everyone follows the rules and for them to keep 2 meters apart and the recording/editing team will use techniques to make it look as natural as possible for the viewers.  I also realise this post is a bit late, due to me being in work again, but today I will post 2 blogs covering both last night's episode and tonight's episode.

I also have some other news for you, it has been revealed that EastEnders are planning to film an episode which will focus entirely on Ben and his hearing loss. The soap will feature subtitles and muffled audio for the audience to get the idea and/or experience what Ben is currently going through. I for one, am REALLY looking forward to seeing this episode. It will be something completely different and something that we've never seen before. I love when soaps jump in the deep end and decide to show something completely different, it was the same when Bobby kept seeing Lucy and also when Stacey went through her breakdown a couple of years ago. I just find it fascinating! I'm sure it'll be a momentous moment for EastEnders and it'll get rave feedback! Are you looking forward to seeing this episode air? The episode will be shown on Monday 1st June! I can hardly contain my excitement!

Now, let's make a start on last night's episode, a lot to cover from last night I think. Let's start with Isaac, still moping about finding out about Patrick being his biological father. Denise has done everything she can to keep him from making a mess of himself. She knows he's struggling but skipping work and making up excuses and drinking until he's nearly having a pee in front of children, is definitely not the way to be coping. All I can really say is, thank you to Bailey! What an amazing child she is! Amazing that it's taken a child to actual make a grown-up realise he hasn't really got it all that bad! Yeah, it would be a shock to him, but what Bailey said was absolutely inspirational and it really spoke truth to him. She's absolutely right in the fact that the guy who Isaac thought was his Dad, never left his side till his death. He was with him every single day and treated him like his own, now he's got another Dad to help him with his future, he could really make a go of building a relationship with Patrick if he gave him the chance. When Bailey spoke how lucky she was to have had two Mum's, I just thought it was absolutely moving, really sweet. I'm hoping now Isaac will realise he hasn't got it all that bad and he'll be able to move on, perhaps when Patrick and Sheree come back, he'll be able to ask them any questions he wants answering and maybe then, he'll feel ready to move on and accept Patrick is his Dad.

Oh Keegan! I feel like he's just not dealing with things well at the moment. I mean, did he really need to post up the video to his social media, inevitably putting Jack's job at risk! Jack told him to keep it to himself as their could be consequences, and its as if he didn't care. He was selfish and wanted to uphold his reputation. I mean, I get he wanted to prove he was innocent, but that would have happened in time and the police would've admitted their mistakes, but it's as if he can't let go after the way they treated him. I personally, feel sorry for Tiffany in all of this, she's being stuck right in the middle of it all. She's trying her best to support and understand her husband, but also her uncle put his neck on the line for her husband. What's going to happen now? Could Jack be in deep trouble with this colleagues? Will Keegan get the justice he's so desperate for? Or will he come to regret posting the video in the first place? I know it's awful to say, but I'm kinda getting a bit bored of this story-line now, I have a feeling this will change Keegan's personality completely and it may lead to further story-lines involving him fighting against the police, fighting for equality and stuff like that? I could be completely wrong, but I just have a feeling that might be the direction it'll take, who knows? I am concerned for Jack now though, is he going to lose his job now though due to Keegan's actions? Will he be able to explain himself or will he do as Keegan suggested and keep quiet? What do you think is going to happen? Do you see this story-line dying down eventually or could it take a whole new direction? Let me know what you think guys, I'd love to hear your thoughts!

Ha! She may be a bit gullible, but I do love Habiba! She brings a lot of comedy to the soap, which is what we really need right now. At first I thought she was going to get away with it and be able to get the information for Rainie! I loved the look on Ian's face when he thought she was serious about getting to know more about the business. It was only when she dropped all her papers and Ian saw her paperwork it was all going to go downhill! I just loved the fact she didn't seem to click, not even knowing what "Sweet FA" meant! God bless her! Haha! But now Ian has made Max aware of what is going on, what does it mean for Max? Will he still give Rainie the divorce she wants? Or will he be able to give her the divorce and still be able to keep the majority of his money! Even Ruby mentioned he should be careful with money, considering he wanted to take her out for a meal even though he still has a divorce to pay for. Did anyone else see the flirtation between Ruby and Martin?! Okay, let me just say ... where the heck has Martin been?! With everything happening with Jean, surely he would've been there to help Kush out ... hmm maybe now he'll start helping? Anyway, there was obvious flirtation and sexual attraction there between Martin and Ruby ... Didn't they sleep together once a while back?! And they've not mentioned it to anyone or to each other since? Now Ruby has offered him a job, could there be something on the horizon for them? And will Max start to feel jealous around them and begin to notice what's going on?!

So, due to Ben having a temperature, his operation has had to be postponed. It's a bit of shame as I feel everyone wanted him to get it done there and then, obviously Ben more than anyone! Callum was there to support his partner, after having their argument the episode beforehand, he knew he had to be there for him. It was massive blow for Ben to be told he couldn't have the operation, he just wants everything to be back to normal. But now the question is, when will he have the operation? Will it still be a success? But most importantly, will he have the operation in time before he has to do the dodgy deal with his Dad? Something is telling me, No! Even Phil was eager to know when they'd reschedule his op for, and Kathy noticed it was the exact same way that Ben reacted! Is she going to click on that something is happening between the two of them and will she find out what they're involved in?! I'm really looking forward to seeing what the future holds for Ben, the episode that's going to be completely focused on him is going to be epic! We know that Ben is still meant to come across someone who is completely deaf, a young girl named Frankie will come into the soap, will she be able to help Ben come to terms with his hearing loss? I do hope his op will be successful, but of course, we will all have to wait and see!

Ooooh poor Jean! I just want to give her a big hug and tell her everything is okay. She's found out that both Kush and Shirley were slipping her medication into her food and drink, which actually caused her to have her fit. They'd accidentally given her too much and she'd been poisoned by the vast amount they'd given her. Of course their intentions were caring and loving as they both care very deeply for Jean and can see that she's not being herself recently, they were literally trying to do their best at caring for her. It just turned out so drastically wrong. I hated the fact that Suki had to get involved, she was more bothered about her cardigan!! She is going to be so smug now knowing that Jean also has bipolar and that she was there to help and even stop the hospital from getting both Kush and Shirley in trouble. Jean owes her nothing and I hope Jean knows that! What is Suki getting out of this? I don't understand, why can't she just keep her distance from Jean and leave her alone! I feel sorry for all of them, I feel sorry for Jean, I feel sorry for Kush and Shirley. Everyone is just trying to help and poor Jean can't see that, and now she feels as if she can't trust them and has decided to throw Kush out, as well as the kids. I'm worried that her living on her own is going to cause her more problems, how will she be able to cope? I think now is the time for Stacey and Kat to come back, Jean's mental state is only going to get from bad to worse and without Kush or Shirley being there to look after her, who's going to let them know?! Maybe Kush and Shirley can keep an eye on her from a distance? Will Kush finally inform Martin about is happening? Either way, I just hope Jean will be okay, although I do fear it's only going to get worse for her before it gets better.

I hope you've all enjoyed reading, if you have anything you'd like to talk to me about regarding EastEnders, feel free to send me a message. I'd love to hear your thoughts and opinions on the current story-lines. I'll be back again this evening with a second post following up tonight's episode! Thanks folks! xXx

[timeagainreviews]

Thoughts leading up to series 12

Happy holidays, friends! I know, I know. It's been a while. I would love to sit here and say I have been away doing important things, but really I've been hibernating. The results of that awful election, mixed with the holidays had left me feeling a bit lethargic as of late. That being said, I had a nice Christmas. Being an immigrant, I don't see my family on holidays. My boyfriend and I spent the day piecing together a Babylon 5 jigsaw puzzle. I made my pal Gerry a celery for his 5th Doctor cosplay and he gifted me a replica of the Li H'sen Chang poster from "The Talons of Weng-Chiang." It was a very Doctor Who Christmas! Sadly, there was no Doctor Who Christmas episode!

Alas, it hardly matters, as new Doctor Who is mere days away! As I did last year, you can expect weekly coverage for each new episode. I'm looking forward to getting back into the groove of consistent writing. Usually, the fandom is more abuzz when the show is actually airing, so please remember to check in with this blog, as I will be watching along with the rest of you!

If you recall, prior to series eleven, I made a list talking about some of my hopes and expectations for the new TARDIS team and the new production team. Seeing as series twelve is just days away from premiering, I thought I might do it again. Let's get to it, shall we?

The Thirteenth Doctor

Seeing Jodie Whittaker back in the TARDIS for another round of adventures has me massively excited. One of the downsides to Christopher Eccleston's run is that we never really got to see him develop the role of the Ninth Doctor. I'm hoping we'll get to see more aspects of her character. Seeing as I don't expect her to regenerate any time soon, there's still much of her personality left to explore. We've met the friendly adorkable Doctor, now let's see her bend a little.

One of my primary complaints about Jodie Whittaker's portrayal as the Doctor was that I didn't think she got scary. While I love her bravery, running headlong into danger, I would like to see a shade or two of her dark side. Up to this point, she's been too friendly to be scary. I know I'm not the only person with this complaint, so it will be interesting to see what a year of hiatus and refocusing will do for her. Honestly, I hope they don't change her too much, as she's pretty great. I'd just like to see them flesh her out a bit.

Other than her personality, I'm also hoping to see some costume variations. The trailer for the new season does give us Jodie in a bow tie, which I am all for. I've also seen a picture where her trousers are black. I'm hoping they continue to tweak her costume here and there, as watching the Doctor's costume evolve over time has always been one of my favourite things about the show.

Chris Chibnall's return

Was there anyone from series eleven that drew more ire than Chris Chibnall? Sure you got the people who hated Jodie solely because she was a woman, but on the level of legitimate concerns, Chibnall was up there. I myself threw a bit of mud in his direction, and I don't feel as though it was without good cause. The general management of the show seemed a bit aimless, despite many promising elements.

Something about the way series eleven was received gave the BBC pause to reevaluate the show's trajectory, and I have a distinct feeling that Chibnall was at the heart of a lot of it. From his lack of a season-long story arc, to the villains being a bit shit, to an overly dour tone, his first year as showrunner left something to be desired. The fact that we didn't even get a single webisode during this gap year shows me that they're still not 100% sure what to do with Doctor Who.

However, having said this, Chibnall's core TARDIS team is one of the most exciting aspects of series twelve. I can't wait to see more from this great line up of characters. And if the exciting trailer for this new series is anything to go off, we're in for quite a ride. Chibnall's most recent endeavour as showrunner was last year's "Resolution," a much-needed bit of classic Who villainy in the form of a Dalek. I was left feeling optimistic that Chibnall was capable of delivering solid storytelling. And that's the operative word- optimistic. As long as he doesn't get needlessly gritty, I'm cautiously optimistic that this year-long hiatus has yielded positive results.

The Companions

Like many other viewers, my chief complaint about the companions has to be Yaz. She really got shafted on the level of character development last year. When you have someone as talented as Mandip Gill, it's a shame to waste her. I know the fandom was quite vocal about this fact, so I fully expect to see the show give her more time in the spotlight. I don't know anyone who disliked her character, which is a good sign that the fandom wants more of her.

Ryan and Graham were two characters that I felt got a great bit of character development. The moment when Ryan finally calls Graham "granddad," was a truly exciting moment for two characters we had grown to love. The logical next step, at least in my mind, is to test the boundaries of this new relationship. I'd really love to see Graham meet a new love interest. Introducing someone into Graham's life would make Ryan have to broaden his definition of family even further. It might also be a catalyst for his own personal growth.

I wouldn't be surprised if we didn't also see one or more of the companions depart from the TARDIS. My gut says it would be Graham, but I wouldn't be surprised if all three of them left at the end of the series. As much as I love the current companions, I would love to see what energy a new companion or two might do for Jodie's Doctor.

The Villains

Prior to series eleven, I was feeling very optimistic for new Doctor Who. That is until I read an article where Chris Chibnall announced there would be no returning villains. Other than the announcement that Chibnall would be showrunner, nothing had made me more concerned for the show's future than "no returning villains." It's not that returning villains are a must for Doctor Who. It's actually a rather brave thing to attempt. The reason it's brave is that if you're going to leave out classic baddies, you've got to justify your decision by crafting new classics. And I'm sorry, but some Slipknot dude with teeth in his face is not classic.

From what I've seen of the trailer and promotional stills, we're looking at at least three returning creatures from the Whoniverse. We've all seen the picture of Jodie staring down the Judoon. If I am completely honest, those have left me with the least amount of hype, as they weren't ever even full-on villains. I've always found the Judoon slightly hokey, so I could take or leave them. The plus side is that there is still plenty of room to develop them as a species. Are there non-Shadow Proclamation Judoon? Are there evil factions? I'm curious if nothing else.

Another familiar face is the Cybermen. While I feel like both the RTD and Moffat eras used the Cybermen ad nauseam, they're still a classic baddie with a solid track record. It appears they'll have something to do with the finale and that "timeless child," storyline I'm uninterested in, so fine, sure, ok. The real alien species I'm excited for is the Racnoss! Much like the Judoon, the Racnoss are also underdeveloped. I wasn't a big fan of them the first time around, which is why I'm excited for more. I'm curious to see what depth can be found in these campy arachnids. If nothing else, the makeup is fun.

The Guest Actors

Series eleven treated us to a surprisingly tender performance from Lee Mack in "Kerblam!" We got a decent turn by Mark Addy, working with not a lot to go off as the underwritten Paltraki. But without a doubt, the best performance came in the form of Alan Cumming's King James. Not only was he as hilarious as he was loathsome, but he also elevated what could have been a more straightforward performance, by finding that sweet spot of camp and contemptible.

That being said, with actors like Stephen Fry, Lenny Henry, and classic Doctor Who alum Robert Glenister joining the show, I'm hopeful we'll get at least one memorable performance out of the lot. I've not followed many of the ins and outs of the storylines, so I have no idea who anyone is playing other than Goran Višnjić as Nikola Tesla. That being said, the addition of Tesla to the series seems an obvious fit. He was an eccentric man who was a bit weird about his pet bird. I expect his story to be one of the stranger ones we'll enjoy this year, or at least, it had better be.

The BBC's involvement

I'm hoping that in this last year, the BBC weren't just reevaluating Chris Chibnall's direction for the show, but their own involvement as well. They got rid of Bake Off and Formula One, Top Gear's audience followed Clarkson over to Amazon. All that's left are partisan news coverage, QI, Countryfile, and Doctor Who. Oh and I guess "His Dark Materials," but I don't know anyone who's talking about that show. As I said earlier, it's been a year of nothing from Doctor Who as a series. Other than comics and a less than perfect VR game, we've gotten nothing from the Thirteenth Doctor and the fam. Not even a novel or webisode to tide us over. How hard would it have been, while filming series twelve, to shoot a quick little skit on the TARDIS set? The Moffat era did this a lot, and it was always nice to see a little bit of Doctor Who while waiting for more episodes.

As the last vestige of the BBC's once-great television empire, you would think they might start to give a shit about Doctor Who. I know it's a crazy concept, but perhaps shelving one of your best shows for a year wasn't the best option. It would be nice to see them put more money and effort into the show. It would be a welcome sight to see them also put more money into the budget for things like merchandise or extended universe media. We've got three books for the current Doctor and that was last year. David Tennant had over thirty novels, while Matt Smith's Doctor appeared in over 15, and Capaldi only appeared in nine. Do you remember the last time we got a Character Options figure that wasn't a repaint of another figure? The most recent one we got was Harry Sullivan, and I'm pretty sure the only new element to that figure was his head. I've seen previews of the new companion figurines, and they're great, but I want more.

Perhaps I sound a bit spoiled. Many shows never expand beyond their allotted episodes, but this is Doctor Who, a show with a broader reach than your telly. It seemed last year that they were finally giving the show its dues. There were billboards of Jodie's face everywhere. The hype was palpable. Now, it's just four days from series twelve, and I've not even seen a bus ad for the new show. A woman I see out on dog walks was surprised when I told her the show was returning on the first of January. She had no idea. This is the Doctor Who audience that they're failing, not people like me who count the days like an advent calendar. The BBC needs to decide once in for all if they're going to give Doctor Who the respect it deserves, or sell it someone who will.

And that's it for now, friends. I hope you're all just as excited as I am to be back in the blue box. If all goes as planned, I should have a new review up the day after each episode. I'm optimistic that I'll have some great things to say!

[woolishlygrim]

Winter Weebwatch #3

I feel a little bad for giving out so many two and three star scores, so I should probably clarify that three stars is meant to be ‘generally pretty good’ and two stars is meant to be ‘watchable but very flawed.’ We’re not working on IGN metrics here.

Also, this week is the week I finally drop a show! What could it be, what could it -- it’s Plunderer. Of course it’s Plunderer. I couldn’t get all the way through this week’s episode and life’s too short to bother watching any more of it.

Also also, while In/Spectre hasn’t been dropped, it gets subbed so late that I’m skipping it this week and rolling this week’s episode over to next week’s post.

ID: Invaded.

★★★★☆

God, why was this show relegated to the Death Season, Where Anime Goes To Die? For three weeks running now, ID: Invaded has stood head and shoulders over all of its competitors, and while there’s always the possibility it could collapse in under its own weight, it so far seems to be going pretty strong.

So episode four (again, see remarks about how one and two aired in the same week) sees Sakaido and the team in a race against the clock to catch the Gravedigger, a serial killer who traps people into enclosed spaces with just a few oxygen canisters and livestreams their struggles, showing the world their final moments and even continuing the livestreams to show their bodies decaying. The Gravedigger has kidnapped a new victim, and for the first time left enough cognition particles behind for Sakaido to dive into his mental world.

Whereas previous episodes have focused heavily on the mystery angle, this episode largely focuses on the stress the case puts on Sakaido and the team. The Gravedigger’s world is a uniquely dangerous mess of fire, explosions, and shifting architecture, and Sakaido dies again and again as he struggles to find any evidence of the Gravedigger’s identity.

Much like the last episode, this would sit at a solid three stars, being a fairly engaging and somewhat harrowing story of Sakaido and the team putting themselves under immense stress to save a victim. What boosts it up to four stars is the moment where the writers pull the rug out from under the characters and the audience: The Gravedigger they’re hunting is only a copycat of the real Gravedigger, and his victim has been dead for days, the ‘livestream’ actually a recording.

The episode also hints at a bigger role for the Perforator in future, as the team attempts to use him as a back-up detective, Akaido, only to find out he’s ill-suited for the role.

Pet.

★★★☆☆

Pet was so close to a four star rating this week. So close. 

So, this week’s episode continues an unclear amount of time after the last week’s episode, with Hiroki and Tsubasa having bought a fish store (as in a pet store that sells live fish and naught else, not a fishmonger’s), which Hiroki believes means they can stop doing work for the shady Committee -- only for Tsubasa to inform him that the Committee paid for the store in the first place, but not to worry, he’ll do all their jobs, and Hiroki doesn’t have to do any of them.

So this episode is … moderately upsetting, actually. Intentionally so.

The bulk of the storyline, in which Tsubasa alters a bodyguard’s memory so that he’s compelled to murder one of his boss’ friends, isn’t what’s upsetting about it, although it does deal with some sensitive subjects, namely domestic abuse and the objectification of vulnerable people. No, what’s upsetting is that, like with last week’s story about Hiroki and Tsubasa altering the memories of a couple, this one also harks back to Hiroki and Tsubasa’s relationship -- specifically, that Tsubasa is emotionally abusing Hiroki.

We get hints of this early on, when Tsubasa is deliberately vague about whether he’ll psychically synchronise with Satoru, another character who, at least in Hiroki’s mind (although evidently not in Satoru’s), is something of a romantic rival. As the episode wears on, Tsubasa goes about his work, while Hiroki, left alone at the fish store, begins showing his immaturity by acting out with his powers before eventually becoming sullen and unresponsive. All of that wouldn’t be enough to indict Tsubasa as being abusive, except in the final scene, as Katsuragi snidely remarks that their new store will never be successful and Hiroki will have to return to a life of crime, Tsubasa mildly returns that he knows it won’t be successful, and he knows it will hurt Hiroki, but that’s just part of ‘taking care of a pet.’

Aaaand we get our title, with all of the unpleasant implications of how Tsubasa views the much more immature and emotionally vulnerable Hiroki.

This episode would have scraped a four star score, but the early parts of the story are a bit too fast paced and a bit incoherent. That really was the only thing holding this absolute gutpunch of an episode back.

Bonus points to the episode that the thing that prompts Hiroki to act out with his powers is seeing a woman’s domineering and callous boyfriend, implying that he is at least somewhat aware of what Tsubasa is like.

Honestly, when this show started I was not expecting a meditation on the subject of abusive relationships, but here we are, and I’m down for it.

Darwin’s Game.

★☆☆☆☆

Oh my god, I just watched it. I just watched it, guys, and I don’t remember even the tiniest bit of it. Am I crazy? Is this what crazy feels like? It’s like I’m blotting the show out of my memory.

I remember something to do with plants and that’s … that’s actually the only thing I remember about this episode.

I don’t even think Darwin’s Game is bad (although let’s be honest, how would I know), it’s just not really anything. It has somehow hit that sweet spot between good and bad where it just fails to make any kind of impact at all, and my brain just interprets it as background noise and proceeds to flush all data pertaining to it.

I might drop it just because this has got to be getting boring for anyone reading these reviews by now. Watching this show is like a sneak peek of suffering from dementia. 

And yet, I still know for a fact it’s better than Plunderer, so it gets one star.

Plunderer.

☆☆☆☆☆ (DROPPED)

Aaand I’m out.

Look, after the shitshow that was the first episode, I should have dropped it straight away. I gave it a chance, and the second episode convinced me that, hey, maybe this wouldn’t be so terrible, maybe the first episode was just an outlier.

The first episode was not an outlier. Episode three isn’t entirely sexual assault and sexual harassment, but about twelve minutes in it does segue into an extended sequence of exactly those things, getting worse with each passing minute. I got up to fourteen minutes, the point at which a supporting character was cheering on the protagonist to sexually assault someone, before I just couldn’t stomach watching anymore.

This show could be the most interesting, engaging, thought-provoking thing on television, and the constant sexual assault would still make me drop it. Luckily, even if you take out all the sex crimes, all you’d get is a show that was basically okay at best.

So zero stars for Plunderer, and I’m dropping the show. To be perfectly honest, I should have dropped it after episode one. 

Sorcerous Stabber Orphen.

★★★☆☆

Onto more pleasant news, man, I just don’t know what’s up with Sorcerous Stabber Orphen’s pacing. Having proceeded at a truly glacial pace for the first two episodes, this episode caps off the entire current story arc, bringing it to an abrupt close.

Now in the company of his old mentor Childman and a task force of sorcerers, Orphen tracks down the dragon-ified Azalie, attempting to reason with her, only for Childman to stab him and eviscerate Azalie. In the aftermath, however, Orphen realises that he’s been played: The dragon he thought was Azalie was actually Childman, and the person he’s been thinking of as Childman is actually Azalie.

So, that was a weird twist. It’s not, in fact, completely out of the left field. The episode sets up early on that Azalie was skilled not only in elemental Black Sorcery, but also in telepathic White Sorcery, and that she should have access to those spells even as a dragon, something which is cause for concern because nobody in the task force has White Sorcery, including Childman. Later on, the confrontation with Dragon-Azalie (Drazalie, if you will), has a character call attention to how she hasn’t used any White Sorcery since the battle started. So when it’s eventually revealed that Azalie did, in fact, use White Sorcery, secretly swapping her mind with Childman’s and letting him die in her place, it actually fits together in quite a neat fashion. 

The episode ends without any real hint as to where the story is going to go next: Azalie escapes in Childman’s body, and Orphen is still an exile from the Tower of Fangs, and there aren’t any other pressing story threads, so I guess we’ll see.

Infinite Dendrogram.

★★☆☆☆

This is the second week in a row that I’m giving Infinite Dendrogram two stars, and it actually physically pains me to do so, because I really like this series. I think apart from ID: Invaded, it’s my favourite anime this season, by quite a significant margin.

But nothing at all happens in this episode.

Okay, that’s only half true. The episode opens with the Player-Killers roaming around Altar having all been killed, which journalist (that’s literally her character class, which I kind of love as a concept) Marie Adler says was the work of just the four ranked players. One by one, she shows the main cast a video of each one taking out a clan of Player-Killers in their own unique way: Arena gladiator Figaro takes his targets out one by one, sadistically toying with them before striking the killing blow; cult priestess Tsukuyo uses magic to immobilise her targets, before letting her cult skewer them one by one; martial artist Lei Lei takes them out in a surprisingly friendly and sporting fashion; and the King of Destruction, whose identity is unknown and definitely not Ray’s big brother, definitely, absolutely, just levels the entire forest his targets are hiding in.

I … do see the necessity of introducing them. The Superiors are basically this show’s Gotei 13, or Gold Saints, or Hashira, or <Insert Group Of Loosely Allied Big Tough People That Are In Every Post-Saint Seiya Shounen Anime> here. There are, however, more interesting ways this could have been done than having the characters watching four videos of fights they already know the outcome to.

For example, what if, instead, you had an episode setting up the characters all getting trapped in different areas, pursued by higher level Player Killers, only for them each to be saved by a Superior. That would actually have some tension and dramatic stakes, and it’d be a much more dynamic way of introducing them. 

[all-the-love-harold]

Chapter 9 - Everything Begins with a Heartbeat

Chapter 9 is here! @lovesmelikebrandnewstarlight deserves a special shoutout for helping me out with the title this time and for being the most supportive friend ever. Let me know what you think about what’s going on with Harry and Poppy! 

Chapter 8 

Master Post 

May 12th 2017 – 5 Weeks

5:00am

“Poppy wake up, it’s album day, wake up” Harry said softly into her ear as she stirred a little, hiding her head under the pillow. “Come on love, you’ve got work today,” she lifted her head, and looked at Harry

“Fuck you for releasing your album on a Friday and making me go into work” she said in a croaky sleep ridden voice

“Soz” he pulled the blankets off both of them and jumped out of bed “I’m going to make us coffee, you can get dressed”

He walked out of the room and Poppy rolled back over, groaning loudly and pulling the covers up over her head. She was excited for Harry, she really was, but it was early and she wasn’t supposed to be working on Friday’s any more. She heard Harry’s careful footsteps heading towards the bedroom and she slowly sat herself on the edge on the bed, moving her hand towards her stomach.

“Everything alright love?” Harry said as he walked back in the room, seeing her holding onto her pregnant belly

“Yeah” she said, ever since her doctor’s appointment last week, every little symptom stressed her out, from morning sickness to headaches. She was paranoid that  she was  going to lose the baby and she wanted to do everything she could to make sure that didn’t happen, and so did Harry. “It still doesn’t feel like this is real H”

“It will feel real after your scan next week” he handed her a cup of tea “drink this”

“Thanks” she said grabbing the cup and taking a sip “Oooh” she remembered the gift she bought for Harry “I have a present for you”

“For me?” he said surprised “Why?”

“Because you made a killer album and I’m proud of you” she stood up and opened her wardrobe, leaning down to find where she’d hidden the gift. It wasn’t much, a new journal because she was sick of the sight of the old one, and she thought a new era for Harry deserved a new Journal to write things down in, and a kiwi fruit, because that song had taken on a new meaning since she found out she was having a baby. Poppy handed him the gift bag and he unwrapped the journal first, untying the string and opening it, reading the message she wrote him on the inside cover.

“There’s always more songs to be written H, can’t wait to hear them”

“Thanks Pop, can’t wait to play them for you” he smiled

“There’s more in the bag” she gestured towards the bag as he opened it again

“No there’s not?” he handed her the bag and she looked inside, she must have forgotten to put the Kiwi in there when she got back from doing her groceries

“Stay there” she said, running out to the kitchen and grabbing one out of the fruit bowl, heading straight back to the bedroom “Catch” she said throwing it to him “Baby Brain”

He let out a full body laugh “you got me kiwi” he chuckled “that’s amazing”

“I thought you’d like it” she hugged him “Now go and shave and I’ll drop you home on my way to work”

“Who said I had to shave”

“Lou, and her and Harry will be waiting for you back at your place, so off you go.”

There was no way Harry could go to the studios with Poppy, aside from the fact that his suit was back at his place and he couldn’t turn up in nothing but his boxers, there would be hundreds of fans waiting for his arrival and she knew that he needed security with him. Not only was this a big day for Harry, but it was a big day for Radio 1, it was rare for them to have artists as big as Harry live in the studio, they usually pre-recorded interviews or they were done over the phone, so she needed to be there, to make sure things ran smoothly.

 Poppy got dressed, throwing on a pair of leggings and a long jumper, she’d started to gain a bit of weight with the pregnancy, not enough to make it obvious but enough for people to notice, so she stuck with baggy clothes that hung loose around her body. No one at work knew she was expecting  yet, she’d told Ben that she needed to take Friday’s for a few weeks to help Harry with a few things, so that she could reduce her stress levels, and when she finally reached 12 weeks, she would tell him the real reason.

Harry came out of the bathroom, clean shaven and dressed in an old shirt of his and a pair of track suit pants.

“You ready?” he asked as she put the final touches on her simple makeup look

“Yah” she nodded, turning around and grabbing her bag and car keys “Are you?”

“No” he admitted, referring not to his physical readiness to leave the flat, but to his readiness for the world to hear the album.

“You know it’s already out back home, it’s been out for a few hours”

“I know, it’s already out here too love, came out at midnight”

“Oh yeah” she said, opening the front door “I might listen to it at some point.” He let out a breathy laugh and followed her out and down the stairs to her car which lived in the basement. The trip to Harry’s house was mostly silent, his nerves evident already, until she remembered her morning sickness.

“You’re going to need to cover for me H”

“What do you mean”

“I don’t usually start work until 9 and by then the morning sickness is usually gone, or at least the vomiting part of it has, but there’s no way I’m going to make it through this morning without puking, so you’re going to have to cover for me, if someone asks you what’s going on”

He chucked a little “I’ll tell them you ate something bad”

“Thanks” she said pulling into his driveway, as he opened the door and punched the code into the gate to open it, she drove in so she could turn her car around and drop him closer to the door. “I’ll see you there H.” He smiled and closed the door behind him, making his way inside.

Harry’s house wasn’t far from the BBC Broadcasting house, and it only took her ten minutes to get there this early in the morning. It was almost 6 am when she walked into the building, the queasy feeling setting in.

“Morning everyone” she said, walking through the door to nick’s studio, handing them a cup of coffee that she’d picked up from the early bird café downstairs

“Hiya” Nick said, taking the coffee from her “Not used to seeing you this early”

“Big Boss Ben’s here, I’m here” Poppy laughed

“He’s not here yet” Nick laughed “But thanks for the coffee”

“Well, we’re supposed to be treating Harry like a celebrity, so I had to come in earlier to prepare myself for that.”

“Big day, guys big day” Ben walked in, plate of ham and cheese croissants in hand, the smell of which made Poppy gag, strong smells were really starting to get to her. “Right” he said “Poppy, is everything organised in the green room?”

“Not yet, but Harry’s requests were very little, just water, tea and fresh fruit”

“Great” Ben said “Alright, you two are live in three minutes” he pointed at Grimmy and Tina, “get yourselves organised and we’ll keep you posted on Harry’s arrival”

Poppy walked out of the room and rushed into the bathroom, locking the stall, and throwing up straight into the bowl of the toilet. Letting out a large sigh, hoping that nothing else was going to come up, she stood and flushed the toilet, using the back of her hand to wipe the sweat from her forehead and leaving the stall, finding Ella, the receptionist looking at her with concern.

“Everything alright?”

She nodded, taking a mint out of her bag and popped it in her mouth “I think I ate something funny last night”

“You’ve been looking like shit in the mornings for a few weeks now, you’re not pregnant, are you?”

She laughed nervously “No, not possible” she lied.

“I don’t believe you, but you’ll tell me when you’re ready” she walked out of the room, and Poppy looked at herself in the mirror, holding onto her stomach, and taking a deep breath before exiting the bathroom. Ella was her work wife, she knew most things about her and she could tell when things weren’t right, and if this wasn’t such a high-risk pregnancy, she would have told her about the baby, but she couldn’t risk it.

Poppy made her way to the green room to get everything set up for Harry, placing a bowl of his favourite fruits and a pot of tea on the table, leaving the water in the mini fridge, because she knew he liked it cold. As weird as treating Harry like a celebrity felt, she knew she had to keep this professional for the sake of Radio One. Harry’s people were also responsible for other high-profile people, and she couldn’t be seen treating Harry differently to them.

The morning ran smoothly, Harry arrived at 6:30, taking photos with Fans outside the building before coming into the green room, where she had his album displayed next to the fruit bowl. The interview with Grimmy ran smoothly too and by the time it was finished, Harry was feeling much more relaxed about the release of the album. Poppy had to duck out of  the room a few times, when the morning sickness became too much, and a few people noticed, but she was  able to play it off as food poisoning until Grimmy asked.

“You ok hun?” he asked once Harry had left. Poppy and Grimmy had become quite close since she  started working for Ben, spending time together in her lunch breaks and outside of work too, usually with Harry around.

“Yeah, just got a bit of food poisoning” she said shyly “Good job at keeping that professional, I know it’s hard when you know all the answers to the questions you’ve got to ask”

“Gotta treat it like work” he nodded “You sticking around today? Or are you out for the day?”

“I’ve got a few emails to respond to and phone calls to make, and then I’m outta here”

“Leave em for Monday babes, go home and get better”

“I second that” Ben called out “You’ve been puking all morning, you had Harry’s team worried for you, and every time you left it looked like Harry wanted to run after you”

“Surprised he doesn’t have food poisoning too, he’s been living in your flat for the last week”  Grimmy chimed in

“He gets lonely in his big house” she laughed “refuses to eat what I cook him though”

“I’m still not convinced that you’ve never slept with him” Grimmy said

“I promise you we haven’t”

“Don’t believe ya, you’re too close with each other”

“Swear on my Life”

“Whatever, just make sure he makes me best man at the wedding”

Poppy rolled her eyes and walked away, making her way towards her desk, which sat adjacent to Ella’s, looking out the window. When she sat down, she took a moment, to take a breath and try to settle her stomach. After a few minutes the urge to vomit passed and she got to work, hoping to be out of the office by lunch time. By 11:30 she’d responded to all her emails, scheduled a few guests for the coming months, and worked out Ben’s dairy for the next week, so she decided to call it a day. She packed up her desk and locked her laptop in its cabinet, saying goodbye Ella and Ben before going to find Grimmy.

“I’m out for the day Grim, I’ll see you tomorrow night?” she stuck her head around the corner, where his desk sat

“I think I’m going to head off too, Friday innit” he stood and grabbed his jacket from the back of the chair “Shall we grab some lunch, if you’re feeling up to it?”

“Lunch sounds wonderful”

***

May 13th 2017, 8:00pm

This was Harry’s first full show as a solo artist, and he was nervous about it. He’d spent most of the day rehearsing and being a Saturday, Poppy had been at home relaxing, doing some research about her condition, to try and ease her mind. It didn’t work, she’d only stressed herself out even more. That’s why she was glad to be here at the garage, to take her mind off things for a while. She was standing next to Nick and Gemma when Harry walked out on stage with the band. Opening with Ever Since New York had been her idea, because it was an easy song for the crowd to sing along to.

“Oh tell me something I don’t already know” he sang, a smile spread across his face “Sing it” he grabbed the mic off it’s stand and held it out to the audience and they all sang it back to him. Watching Harry perform had always been something she loved, he truly was born for it, but standing there, in a crowd, largely filled with his closest friends and family, singing his songs back to him, was a special moment, there was a sense of solidarity with everyone in that room. They were all in this together, friend, family or fan, they  were here for Harry, no matter what.

“Hello” he said into the mic after singing Carolina “I’m Harry, nice to meet you, thank you very much for having me, how are you?” the crowd cheered and Harry spotted Poppy, tears forming in her eyes “Good! Poppy are you crying already?” she laughed, refusing to respond to his mockery, sending him a thumbs up instead “alright, she’s crying already” the crowd laughed and she hid her face in Nicks shoulder “So, my album came out yesterday, and uh,  I wanted to do a show, and uh, I’m going to play those songs, for you I hope you enjoy them, and uh, this is my first show in a long time, my first show ever, so it’s a night I won’t forget and I thank you very much for being here with me, this is Meet Me in the Hallway”

Throughout the show, every time Harry made eye contact with Poppy, he’d smile and wave, or make a silly face at her if she wasn’t singing along. Poppy and Nick spent most of the evening dancing along and beaming proudly at their best friend while he had the time of his life on stage.  After Harry finished his cover of Ultra Lightbeam, Nick turned to Poppy, with teary eyes “Pretty shit isn’t he”

“Awful, dunno why all these people like him” she joked, tears filling her eyes as well.

“That was not my song, uh thank you so much, uh, it’s uh always a little strange performing after not doing anything for a long time and I uh I’m a little rusty in the joints, I’m overwhelmed, since I put out the single, by your support your continued support, I couldn’t ask for a better group of friends to share this with”

“That’s us” Poppy and Nick said, jumping up and down pointing at themselves

“Yes, I can see you two idiots over there, I like you, you’re my friends” he said looking at them as they both high-fived

“We’ve made it” nick said sarcastically, as Harry introduced the crowd to his band.

The ‘Whoo hoo’s’ from Only Angel, echoed around the room and as Poppy and Nick danced he leant over to her “He’s never going to admit this, but I swear this song is about you”

“It’s just not” she gently pushed nick “he wouldn’t do that”

“He would” he said, yelling out a whoohoo with the crowd.

“I feel very lucky to have some friends and family in the audience tonight, I’d like give a special shout out, to my best friend in the whole wide world Poppy, without her, this album would not have happened, so if you’re near her, uh, I don’t know, maybe give her hug, but uh, be gentle because she’s pre – uh fragile, she’s fragile, uh this is Sweet Creature” he blushed smiling towards Poppy

Gemma turned and gave her a curious look, as a fan tapped Poppy on the shoulder and offered her a hug. She was lovely, asking her a few questions about Harry, while he sang Sweet Creature, a song that she knew was about her for sure.  For the rest of the show, Gemma kept a close eye on Poppy, watching as her hands occasionally brushed over her belly while she was dancing.

After the show, Poppy Nick and Gemma, made their way backstage to see Harry. Jeff and Tommy were standing in the corner, trying to find the bottle of champagne that they brought to make a toast with and muster enough glasses for everyone in the room. As they walked in Poppy shot Harry a look, telling him that she noticed his slip up and he mouthed a quiet “sorry” at her, while he continued his conversation with Sarah.

“Great show H” she said to him when he had a free moment. The room was so full of his friends and family that it was hard to move around in such a small space, but it was heart warming to see all these people here to support him.

“Thanks” he smiled “and sorry, about the slip up”

“It’s alright, Gemma may have noticed, but I don’t think anyone else did” she admitted “she might think it’s yours though”

He shrugged “we’ll clear that up when the time comes, let her think it for now if she wants.” Tommy came around and handed them both a glass of champagne and before Poppy even thought about not being able to drink it Jeff was standing on the table trying to get everyone’s attention.

“Guys” he shouted “Can I have your attention for a minute” the room went silent and everyone turned their attention to Jeff “Thanks, I’d just like to give a quick toast to Harry, we’re all proud of you H, it’s a great album, and I’m sure I speak for everyone in this room when I say that we’re excited to see where it takes you, you did a great job tonight and I’m sure that’s the first of many great shows, so” he raised his glass “to Harry”

The room erupted in a toast “To Harry” everyone responded and took a sip of their drinks. Poppy noticed Gemma look at her in that moment, so she brought the glass to her lips, making sure none of the liquid passed throughand handed the glass to Harry as soon as she looked away

“Drink this so Gemma doesn’t get suspicious of my full glass” he nodded, looking over to where Gemma was standing with Anne and downing it like a shot “Christ, I didn’t say skull it”

He shrugged “Didn’t want her to see.”

The venue only allowed everyone to stay for an hour after the show, so Harry invited everyone who was left to go back to his place for a few more drinks, but Poppy was tired, and she decided to call it night.

“I’m going to call it night H, I’m exhausted”

“Alright love, that’s probably a good idea, I’ll call in tomorrow, before I head off to L.A” he said slurring his words a little.

“Thanks” she wrapped her arms around him bringing him in for a hug “I’m proud of you”

“Wouldn’t be here without you love” he smiled “can I call you cab to get you home?”

“I’ll get the tube, it’s fine” she said searching her wallet for her oyster card

“Please” he said “it’s safer”

“Fine” she said, knowing that he wouldn’t give up until she agreed, especially if he was a little drunk.  

Poppy got home half an hour later and headed straight to bed, falling asleep almost as soon as her head hit the pillow. Pregnancy was really starting to tire her out, it was rare that she was awake past 10pm anymore and she usually took an afternoon nap. It was strange sleeping without Harry next to her, but she knew she would have to get used it, he was going to be away for the next two weeks and after that he would be constantly going back and forth, getting ready for the tour.

***

June 2nd 2017 – 8 weeks

Poppy sat next to Harry in the waiting room of her Midwife’s offices, waiting for her second scan. The  first one had  happened at 6 weeks, while Harry was in L.A, filming the Late Late show, and everything had gone well. It looked the baby had positioned itself so that herr condition wouldn’t affect it until later in the pregnancy, which meant that she probably wouldn’t carry until full term, but it wouldn’t cause a miscarriage. None the less, her midwife had suggested she has a scan every two weeks, just to make sure everything stayed on track.

“Poppy” the midwife called, and both her and Harry stood and followed her into an examination room. “This must be Dad?” she said looking at Harry

“No” she shook her head “He’s just here for support, Dad’s not in the picture”

Harry held his hand out to shake her hand “I’m Harry” he said

“Julie” she said, shaking his hand, doing a double take when she recognised his face “Harry Styles?” she questioned

“That’s me” he nodded

“Sorry, Mr Styles, this is very unprofessional of me, but I’m a big fan of your album”

“No you’re fine” he said, smiling “Thank you”

“Alright Poppy, since bubba is still very tiny, today’s scan is going to have to be another internal one,  so I’ll give you a second to strip your bottom half down, there’s a gown on the table there that you can put on” she motioned towards the hospital gown that sat folded in plastic wrapping on the bed “and Mr Styles, you’re welcome to stay, but if either of you are uncomfortable, you can sit in the waiting room until we’re finished with the scan”

“He can stay” Poppy said, to smiling at both of them. Julie smiled back and left the room, letting her get changed.

“When she says internal, does she mean, like” he moved his two fingers in an upwards motion “Inside?”

“Up my Vagina Harry” she said bluntly unbuttoning her jeans while he blinked at her bluntness

“Yeah good” he said, voice more high pitched than normal “I’ll stay up here then” he moved towards the head of the examination table

“Good move” she nodded, slipping the gown on and taking her jeans and panties off, laying down on the bed, feet up on the stirrups.

Julie knocked on the door, checking that she was ready and walked back in the room, sitting on the stool at the foot of the bed.

“We ready?” she asked, slipping a pair of gloves on. Poppy nodded and Harry reached down and grabbed her hand. The procedure was a little uncomfortable, like getting a pap smear, but it was worth it when she saw her baby up on the screen.

“Everything’s looking good Poppy” Julie said, turning the screen towards her, “Bubba’s sitting there on the left still, which is where want them to be, we’ve grown quite a bit since last time too, which is a wonderful sign” she felt Harry let out a sigh of relief “Shall we hear the heart beat?” both Poppy and Harry nodded

“Yes please” she said softly, trying to hold back tears

Julie pressed a few buttons on the ultrasound machine, and within seconds she could hear the sound of her baby’s heart for the first time. The  last scan was too early for that, the baby was too small, and the technology wasn’t good enough to be able to hear such a small heartbeat. Poppy’s eyes filled with tears and sher felt Harry’s grip on her hand tighten as his other had reached down and started rubbing her shoulder.

“It’s the most beautiful sound in the world isn’t it?” Julie said smiling, “I’ve taken a recording of that for you to take home, I’ll give you two a second, and you can get changed, and when I come back we’ll go through a few things, ok?”

“Great” Poppy  said, “Thank you”

She walked out of the room and she sat listening to the heartbeat for a few seconds. “It’s real Harry” the tears were streaming down her face now “There’s a baby in there”

“There’s a baby in there,Pop” he said, wiping her tears away and helping her sit up “I can’t see it, but I can hear it”

Poppy laughed “It’s right there H” she said pointing to the tiny white dot on the screen “Like a little potato.”

“Your little spud” he smiled at her

“Our little spud H” she smiled back “I know it’s not yours, but you’re the closest thing it's got to a Dad”

“Our little spud” he said helping her sit up, and hugging her “Now put some pants on would ya?”

Poppy giggled and climbed down off the bed, picking up her jeans and panties and slipping them back on, discarding the gown onto the table, and taking a seat in the chair next to the desk. A few minutes later Julie walked back into the room, with another woman, who Poppy  assumed was her obstetrician.

“Miss Thomas, Mr Styles, this is Doctor Miller, she’s going to be your obstetrician, she specialises in pregnancies like yours and she’s got a few things to talk to you about”

“It’s lovely to meet you both” Dr Miller said, taking a seat at the desk “thanks Julie”

Julie smiled and left the room, leaving them with the doctor.

“Now, I don’t want either of you to be worrying about anything, I’ve taken a quick look at your scan and everything is looking very healthy, baby is growing at the normal rate and your placenta looks healthy too”

“Great” Harry said, placing his hand on Poppy’s thigh

“As I’m sure Julie mentioned last time, pregnancies like this often don’t make it full term, and natural births are rare, so normal procedure is to schedule two different C-section dates, one at 35 weeks, and one at 38 weeks, and throughout the pregnancy we will monitor the growth of the baby and decide what needs to happen when the time comes – are you ok with that?”

“Of course” Poppy  nodded

“Great, so 35 weeks would put us at November 17th and 38 weeks would put us at December 8th” Poppy saw the look on Harry’s face, knowing that he was still on tour for both of those dates, and there was no way he could cancel it at this stage. “Now obviously we try our best to let you get to full term, so just because these are booked in doesn’t mean they’re set in stone, what will probably happen in the last few weeks is that you’ll be put on bed rest, but we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it”

“Good” she nodded

“For now though, you still need to be taking it easy, make sure you’re taking your vitamins and getting enough rest”

Poppy continued nodding along with what she was saying “Has Julie spoken to you about the Harmony test?”

“She mentioned it briefly last time”

“Great, well all it is, is a simple blood test that screens for any genetic abnormalities, and we’re able to tell the sex much earlier than we would be with just scans”

“Cool” Harry said

“It’s not a part of the NHS though, so it’s completely up to you weather you have it or not, it’s quite expensive”

“That’s not a problem” Harry said, looking at Poppy

“I’ll let you two decide if that’s something you want, if you decide to do it, all you have to do is ring up and book in a blood test”

“Wonderful” Poppy  smiled

“Alright, I think that’s everything we needed to talk about for this appointment. We’ll continue with the scans every two weeks for the rest of your first trimester, and we’ll reassess from there.”

“Great” she said, picking up her bag “It was lovely to meet you”

“You too” she smiled, opening the door for them.

Poppy and Harry made their way out of the practice and back to his car, ducking theirr heads to avoid being seen. Once they got in the car and they were headed back to Poppy’s flat, Harry spoke.

“I don’t want you to worry about money with this Pop, if you want that test, please book it in, I’ll pay for it, it’s the least I can do, if I’m not going to be here for the birth”

“Me and little spud are going to do everything we can to keep him in there for an extra week until you get back”

“Him?” Harry smiled at her

“It feels like a boy.”

[kai-zers]

Drarry, Auror au and a multitude of miscommunication issues.

 so this is @treacletvrts ‘s fault, as is many of the myriad of au’s we had in multiple fandoms and istg she’s to blame because tbh with y’all this has no cohesive thought at all so yup, I have no words other than these. 

PS: I have no idea how tumblr works because I am a noob that has no idea how this godforsaken site works despite the years I spent lurking here so expect crappy posts like these. 

This was also a race against my overheating laptop jesus christ tHIS WAS A STRUGGLE

Yup, let’s set the scene, but the rest is in read under because this would probably get long.

Harry and Draco are trainee aurors, or aurors already timelines be damned

 pining, a lot of it.

YOU KNOW IT

everyone and their ancestor portraits knew, okay.

Draco and subtlety didn’t exactly come in one package

but oh my god, circe’s tits, and whomever else they use in place of jesus christ, Harry doesn’t know.

Obviously, Harry wasn’t a Ravenclaw for nothing.

Draco thought Harry knew, but plot twist, your favourite boy who lived doesn’t. 

Shocker.

Draco assumes that Harry knew and actually thought that since Harry hasn’t distanced himself or changed the way he treated Draco at this point, Draco legitimately thought he had a chance at Saint Potty himself.

This is a usual topic between his, Blaise’s, Pansy’s and Theo’s get togethers.

‘you’d think five years post hogwarts we’d never hear Draco say Potter again, but I guess not.’ probably Theo tbh

Pansy is close to pulling at her own hair in frustration 

‘I shouldn’t have left Milan for this weekend.’ Blaise, shaking his head

Potter and Malfoy in the same mission? and they’re both alive? and the perp is caught in record time? Impeccable paperwork?

Call the Prophet

jk

anyways, their first mission and a handful succeeding that were a success. 

They are both star Aurors, and work as an amazing team

One mission they were both assigned to had a bit of a scuffle, they had to hide in a tiny closet, their faces really close

Oh Merlin, is this Draco’s chance?

Nope, since Harry had tried to distance himself as far away from Draco as far as he physically could in that situation

Draco knows how to read a room, and that definitely was an indication of ‘sTAY AWAY FROM ME’ from Harry

Harry, on the other hand, is having issues with himself

He’s scared of coming into terms that he ‘might actually possibly have a bit of attraction towards guys’ and he is panicking

Well, if I had spent my years in puberty being chased by a madman, tbvfh with you, that’d be the last thing on my mind too

so fast forward to them celebrating a major case being solved

DRANKS.

Harry has a preference for muggle alcohol because have you had a shit of Cuervo, that stuff makes MY alter ego come out.

Draco doesn’t drink often, he prefers to savour his wine, thank you very much.

he’s just a lightweight hahaha

so Harry is pissed.

like majorly pissed to the point where he’s seated on someone’s lap already, yelling at the top of his lungs about something to someone

A lot of jeering and what not happens, Harry’s insecurities get the better of him and he tries to hook up with a girl that night

much to Draco’s chagrin. 

He is watching this happen sober, poor thing.

but Harry isn’t getting any action tonight, turning the girl down instead, murmuring something about it not feeling right

Draco takes the initiative to tell Harry that he’s had too much, and he’ll side along him to Grimmauld if he wanted to

Harry agrees, and it takes a lot of rearranging for Draco to make sure that Harry doesn’t get splinched in the whole shebang back home

They get to Grimmauld place, and its actually clean

Draco shaking Harry awake so he could take him to his room to rest

they make their way up the stairs, and Harry is giggling because he keeps slipping and would’ve probably died an untimely death due to refusing to take his socks off a flight of laquered hard wood stairs

and once they reach the door of Harry’s room, Harry tries to make a move on Draco

He’s cupping Draco’s pale cheek in one hand, staring at his lips despite the haze of the alcohol

but Draco pulls away.

((YES DRACO KNOW YOUR WORTH))

Draco is hurt, because Harry would only dare touch him while he’s pissed off his arse like this

“Oh Merlin, Harry, don’t do this to me.” he hisses, as he drags Harry into the room.

“Wha?” and then Harry is dropped onto his bed with Draco removing his robes so he could sleep better

“Stay with me.” Harry slurred out, but Draco could only shake his head.

“For fuck’s sake, what was I thinking when I thought you were actually different? You’re just as cruel as everyone else is.” 

fuck me that legitimately hurt me when I typed that one out

harry turns over, staring at Draco as best he could without his glasses

Draco’s just murmuring to himself, wiping at his face hurriedly because oh no, here come the waterworks.

“I’m giving up on you, and that is final.” 

Draco says it more to himself than to Harry, but Harry hears it, and he’s not sure if its real or nah

He takes the liberty of flooing back to his estate, just to see Blaise and Pansy already lounging in his couch.

bold of you to assume the Malfoys didn’t invest in real estate, jk tho.

its been years since anyone has been back at the Manor, with Narcissa being in France and Draco in this smaller estate

Pansy takes one good look at Draco’s face and pats the space between her and Blaise and takes a pillow on her lap

Theo takes in the entire scene and just goes back into the kitchen, wine seems to be a better choice than tea at the moment

Draco plops down on the couch, burying his face into the throw pillow on Pansy’s lap

“There, there, pet.” She offers, though her perpetually ruby lips are already in a frown.

Blaise just takes Draco’s legs to lay them over his thighs, hands lingering on Draco’s knee

“Is this a bad time to say I told you so?”

Theo just sits wordlessly on the floor, leaning his head on Draco’s belly

I WANT THEM TO CUDDLE OKAY FIGHT ME 

“Draco, Darling, what’s wrong? What’d Potty do?”

“I thought he was different, Pans. I thought I had a chance. I thought he may love me someday.”

shet, ma. I’m sorry.

Harry still doesn’t know if Draco was real or not, but the following weekend, he finds out that Ron has been assigned as his partner.

Draco requested for a partner change, and has been actively avoiding Harry in the office.

of course, like with any romcom gone wrong, it is only now that Saint Potter realises that ‘hmm, something is up.’

He also realises how much of a better team he and Draco made, compared to him and Ron, because nobody got the paperwork done between them 

Harry realises that he misses Draco as a partner

but Draco somehow had the luck of being assigned solo cases that needed to be stationed really far away

the months following the partner reassignment, he manages to see Draco merely three times, and in those three times, Draco had only nodded at him.

This is where Harry realises: i have fucked up

Of course Harry attempts to talk or confront Draco about the thing happening between them

“Potter, I need space, and if you are supposedly as concerned as you are showing, you will keep your nose out of my business.”

whoop, obviously Draco is mad, but Harry doesn’t know why and he’s confused because he really misses the older male, but there are issues

FAST FORWARD TO HARRY ACTUALLY ASKING FOR HELP

ron is just as helpless as he is, hermione is just mum because wow harry this is a major screw up

luna is the one who actually gets to the point, telling Harry, ‘yup you’re in love with him and you’ve done fucked up’

but she’s optimistic, saying, you two just need to talk

‘Draco’s a little hard to understand, but if you don’t talk to him, you’ll never get to do so.’

ANOTHER TIME JUMP YUP WE ARE JUST SAVING THIS PLOT AT THIS POINT

Draco ends with a case involving a new drug that was supposedly being manufactured at this abandoned ship at some port

((i think its obvious I am not from the British Isles at this point okay plus this was done in an hour, liberties were taken and I am not sorry))

He gets ambushed and ends up getting chained to something he can’t get out of himself because he’s drugged and wandless, so no wandless magic

Harry gets suspicious that Draco’s partner gets back unscathed, but Draco is nowhere to be found

He grills the other auror for info and apparates to the ship, where whoop, it is on fire.

oh no.

cue on Harry’s gryffindor lack of self-preservation, where hE STILL GOES INTO THE SHIP TO FIND DRACO

he does find Draco, but idk the ship breaks, structural integrity is getting weak so he doesnt reach Draco in time 

BUT HE DIVES IN NONETHELESS

and sees Draco struggling to breathe and get out of his bounds

He spells off the cuffs, and drags Draco to the surface, and proceeds to send a patronus to Hermione

Hermione’s a healer in this au, okay

Draco is turning blue, and to say that Harry was panicking was an understatement 

He’s not breathing either, even with Harry’s attempts at CPR

Hermione arrives and does the wizarding equivalent of using a defibrillator 

????

yup I guess we’ll go with that for now and she also does a bunch of other stuff

Draco’s finally coughing all the water out his lungs, he’s breathing, albeit a little shallow and shaky at best

Hermione calls for back up because she can’t apparate them both, and Harry’s trembling--from the cold, or the adrenaline subsiding in his blood, but he wasn’t letting go of Draco’s hand

even when he was getting wheeled into the ER at St. Mungo’s, Hermione had to physically pry his hands off

‘he’s safe now, Harry. Let me have a look at you, now.’

Harry wants to say that he’s fine but he did jump into the sea in the middle of fucking winter, and the look Hermione is giving him is absolutely terrifying so he relents, murmuring that they should be tending to Draco instead

‘They are, and I need to tend to you now because I know you’ll scare off any other healer I ask to check up on you.’

Harry’s changed into warmer clothes, and he’s got a cup of tea in his hands to warm them

they’re still shaking, he doesn’t understand why the fuck he can’t calm down and puts it down

He just starts crying. 

The build-up of months of stress and the day’s events was too much for him to handle

‘Fuck, ‘Mione, I saw him turn blue. He wasn’t breathing, I couldn’t get him to breathe.’

‘He’s alive Harry, Draco’ll be okay.’

‘You don’t understand, I felt him die, ‘Mione.’

Of course, out of all people, Harry would understand how it feels to tap dance with death

Hermione just comforts him, willing away the tears in her eyes because it feels like this is the one time she can’t help Harry at all.

Ron just skids into the hall, and sees Hermione and Harry, and hugs them both without a word

back to draco, who has been under observation for a good two days and has finally woken up 

he sees Harry tucked into himself in the frankly ugly leather sofa by the window, head lolling forwards and back enough

Draco pulls himself up and groans, remembering how he got is ass handed to him in that ship and staring at the yellowing bruises on his arms 

Harry suddenly lets out a snore, which makes Draco snort but oh no what is in his nose

‘Circe’s tits, that fucking hurt.’ and he’s coughing up a storm enough to wake Harry up, who stares at him for a few seconds before he’s on his feet and pouring him a glass of water

‘What else do you need? the loo? food?’

‘A healer.’

‘oh. yes. yes, need to tell them you’re awake.’ 

‘Potter.--Potter!’ Draco manages to call after him before he got too far off

‘what happened.’

Harry explains what happened, the ship, traces of a drug in his system, almost drowning and what not

‘I’ll get someone, yup.’

Draco just shakes his head because he knew Harry was keeping something from him, but lets it go

he gets an extensive check up procedure, which is peculiar because this has been the first time they have been this attentive to his vitals 

he needed to stay for a few more days for monitoring, which is weird to Draco because I just fell into the ocean what is the big deal

A nurse comments offhandedly that he’s lucky that he survived drowning and near hypothermia

‘excuse me what’

‘From what I’ve heard, and judging from your vitals, you were minutes away from death’

‘enlighten me.’

‘Healer granger had to revive you using a spell she developed based off of Muggle Tech, she had to shock your heart.’

‘I was dead?’

‘you should’ve seen auror potter, he wouldn’t leave until your vitals stabilised. Healer Granger couldn’t even heal him properly so she had to administer a sleeping draught so he could finally rest.’

‘oh.’

hermione walks in, ‘oh, indeed.’

"I sent him home, if you were wondering.” Hermione says.

Hermione seemed to be able to read his expression, as she had just provided him with what he needed.

"He'd been sleeping here three days and that isn't doing anything for his injuries. Refused to get checked, so I just healed him so he'd actually go to sleep in a proper bed."

"So how are you feeling?" Hermione asked, already waving her wand as a quill hovered behind her, the quiet scratching against parchment, the only sound in Draco's room aside from his steadily better breathing. 

"Oh that's good. We managed to drain all the water from your lungs, no tingling in any of your limbs?" 

Draco shook his head. 

"No symptoms of hypothermia either." Hermione murmured a lumos under her breath, asking him to follow it and observing his eye movement.

Draco is just overwhelmed at this point, because this is the second day he had to endure these tests and Granger was terribly much detailed than the other healers

"You're almost well enough to be discharged, but I'll check you again tomorrow." She replied curtly, tucking her wand into her sleeve and the clipboard into her arm.

"Granger." Draco called, just as Hermione was about to leave the room. "Thank you, for saving my life. You have my thanks."

Hermione nodded, almost smiling at him. 

"Quite frankly, Malfoy, if Harry hadn't found your body, there wouldnt have been anyone to save, but you're still welcome."

draco is just dumbfounded in his bed, again.

The following day he gets the go signal to be discharged as soon as hermione finished her check up spells, and blaise and pansy were to pick him up

But harry manages to catch him just as he got dressed, immediately flushing as Draco's silent gaze fell onto him.

"H-hullo Malfoy, how are you doing?" 

OF ALL THE THINGS HARRY HAD TO SAY. HULLO.

‘Better.’

brace yourselves dace and i just ran thru this, dialogue is subpar at best, but wow they are finally communicating.

amazing.

"Uhm, that's it. I'll uh--i'll find hermione."

Draco rolled his eyes, calling out to him. "Potter."

"Uhm, ye...yes Malfoy?"

"Thank you. For finding me. If it weren't for you," draco breathed out, thankfully smoothly this time. "And granger, i'd be as good as fully dead."

Harry instantaneously lit up and frowned at the same time."Of course, Malfoy." 

Harry nodded. "Anything for you." He murmured under his breath, before turning away.

As soon as Draco was left to his own devices--tightening the laces on his boots, basically anything to just pass the time as Blaise and Pansy were just perpetually late--he heard Harry's god awful sneakers skid in the hallway and enter his room again.

"What is it, Potter, already come back for me to repay my debts?" He asked boredly, leaning back onto the hospital bed.

oh lord. Harry looked terrible.

Harry looked like he was about to throw up--green eyes erratic, lower lip between his teeth as he gnawed on to, hands shaky as he stuffed back into his pocket jacket, and out again.

"Please don't give up on me." He whispered, catching Draco by surprise.

"What?"

"The night you helped me get back home. I thought I was just too pissed on Tequila that I didn't even think you were real--"

draco's clamming up on himself, his arms are crossed, face guarded as Harry stood before him as his complete opposite, his vivid green eyes almost desperate as his lip wobbled.

"But I've died twice, Draco. I can tell apart what’s real and the pigment of my pissed brain."

"I'm sorry if you think I was cruel--if I hurt you without realising it, I'm sorry, please, please just don't give up on me just yet."

Draco is for a lack of a better word--Gobsmacked.

the boy who lived--no, that applies to them both now--is in his hospital room, in the verge of tears and looked like he was a sentence away from passing out.

"I'm sorry Draco," Harry trailed off, his voice breaking as he said Draco's name and using his hoodie sleeves to wipe at his cheeks as the tears rolled down.

"I was scared, and I didn't know it was okay to like blokes, I didn't know it was okay to like you, but I've ruined it, haven't I?"

Draco's heart is in pieces at this point tbh 

The first time he hears his name from Harry's lips, Harry's crying.

Draco sees Blaise at the corner at the corner, but luckily the other male was able to read the room and quickly dragged Pansy away, her retort lowering in volume as they went farther down the hall

"I'm sorry--fuck, i'm sorry for wasting your time." Harry said, sniffing as he wiped his face on his sleeve, running a hand thru the wild tangle of curls on his head. 

"Just ignore whatever I said. Get well, Malfoy."

i am: weak for curly haired Harry okay, humour me.

Circe, Draco thought, this is just getting painful to watch.

Because it seemed like he was being the wanker, making Harry cry even when the oblivious jackass was the one that started this whole fiasco

And Draco couldnt find it in himself to cut into Harry's blubbering at all. 

"Circe's tits, stop with the blubbering, Potter."

Oops. Not the best choice of words.

"What?"

Draco just stood up, and met Harry halfway and cupped his cheeks to press their lips together, mostly just to shut him up.

oh, wow. 

Draco could get used to this, and Harry let out a choked sound that was akin to a gasp and a whimper before he kissed back.

[[long, winded make out scene i am sorry i am terrible at those, I’ll leave it to your imaginations]]

Draco just says, "bring me home, harry."

And just shoos blaise and pansy off.

Which gets him the finger from pansy and a judgmental eyebrow from blaise

‘I make arrangements for a portkey at the last minute and this is what we get?’

‘at least it will make the cease of Draco’s whining.’

Pansy and blaise respectively

Both Harry and Draco spend their days in Draco’s estate just cuddling, and okay fine making out.

They finally talk and clear things out.

and Harry finally feels a moment of peace after nearly 25 years of being chased by a murderous madman and multiple criminals 

no hanky panky yet jesus draco died ffs

The following week, someone just yells from Draco’s floo.

and it’s loud enough to hear in the second floor in Draco’s bedroom.

"I know you died Malfoy, but you have to come to work."

its robards. 

he’s two aurors short, and they’re his best aurors.

"Please bring Potter too, just because you two have died doesnt mean you can escape the paperwork. "

Harry groans, while Draco merely laughs though its muffled against Harry's shirt, where his face is currenly buried into.

and they lived.

i guess

THEY COMMUNICATE MORE EFFECTIVELY NOW 

[vickypoochoices]

CHAPTER TWO.

[MASTERLIST.]

20 WEEKS PREGNANT.

'Good morning! How are we feeling today?’ The sonographer's bright voice cuts through the silent room upon entry.

'Good thanks. A little tired seeing as someone spent the whole night tossing and turning. And then stealing the duvet, only to throw it back ten seconds later, then repeating a hundred times over.’ Zig smirks, knowing his response will get a reaction.

'Eurgh, well I can’t help it if I can't get comfortable in that stupid bed. And I’m not allowed to sleep on my tummy and that’s my favourite position to sleep in. You know, with one leg out? One second I’m too hot, then I’m freezing cold. And then, just as I manage to drift off finally, of course I have to pee. And then we start the whole cycle again. Is this normal? Am I broken? Is there a magical pill to stop me peeing all the damn time?’

'Are you crying?’ Zig makes to grab for her hand, but she pulls her hand away, pointing a finger crossly in his direction.

'No I’m not crying. My eyes must just be watering because I'm sooo tired. Your baby does not want me to sleep ever again apparently. Keep your hands to yourself Ortega, this is all your fault!’ Zig gulps as she strides past him and clambers as best she can on to the hospital bed, lifting her top and lowering her maternity jeans slightly.

'Uh huh, well I was mainly concerned about the mother to be, but I’m sorry to hear you’ve both had a tough night. Good practice for when the little one arrives though eh?’ They both exchange a look with one another as she continues. 'For the record, all very normal and unfortunately this is most likely going to be a common occurrence from here on out. No magic pill either, but you never know, maybe the next time you do this someone will have found a way to make that pill happen?’

She scoffs instantly. 'Next time? No chance!’ An awkward silence hangs over them as Zig forces down the urge to retaliate. Taking a deep breath, he gingerly sits down at her side.

'Are we ready to see how little one is doing today?’ They both turn to each other, smiles lighting up their faces. She reaches for Zig’s hand, squeezing a few times firmly as a way of a silent apology.

The sonographer squeezes gel over her tummy, and expertly glides the probe.

'So, how did everyone take the news when you told them about this little bundle?’

Her mouth curled upwards with a fond smile as she thought back to the day they finally got to tell everyone.

*** 12 WEEKS PREGNANT. ***

'Mum is killing me right now. That’s the ninth message in the last 10 minutes, sending me pictures of cute little outfits that she just has to buy now that it’s all about to be out in the open. It’s a miracle she hasn't told the whole world before we got a chance.’

'I wish I had your problems.’ With a sigh, Zig slows the car as they approach Abbie and Tyler’s place.

'Do I want to know? Has your Mum started knitting already? I hope she’s not taking your advice and buying a load of pink wool, the jury is still out on that one!’

'She’s actually with you on this one and siding with Team Blue. I tried to tell her she’s on the losing team but she’s not having any of it.’

'Hey now, I never said I was ON Team Blue, I’m just not ruling them out of the competition, unlike you. Now, tell me what’s eating you up, you know I’ll get it out of you one way or another.’

Zig hesitates, then tucks a lock of hair behind her ear, staring intensely into her eyes.

‘She’s blowing my phone up asking when I’ll be making an honest woman out of you.’

'Oh Zig...I…’

'It’s not that I don’t want to marry you, I’d be crazy not to! I’ve thought about how and when I’d do it plenty of times. But there’s something about this that just feels forced. I want to do it off my own back. I don’t want people to think they can talk me in to it because it’s the 'right thing to do’. Is that even an actual reason in this day and age? There is no doubt in my mind that one day you will be my wife, when I think of the future, you are it for me. I just want to make it perfect, and my Mum insisting I get down on one knee is not what I had in mind.’

Breaking eye contact, he turns slightly in his seat, visibly stiffening. In an instant she’s thrown herself at him, clasping her hands together at the back of his neck, pinning him down with a forceful kiss.

Steadying her with a hand on the hip, Zig groaned half way in to the kiss, a buzzing sensation in his jeans pocket making him gently pull away. After fumbling for a few seconds, he glanced down at his phone and bit his lip.

'Yeah we’re gonna have to come back to this later, Chris says he’s done with holding Zack back, he’s on his wa…’ A sharp tap on the window stops him short.

'Zig do you think it’s okay to ignore my texts?’ Zig’s door is yanked open.

'I mean, there were quite a few, after the first thousand I kind of lost the will to live.'

'You think it’s funny? You’ve been hiding my best friend from me for weeks, making up the worst excuses in all of history, and then you come here and make jokes?’ Zack gives him a quick flick to the forehead.

'What? Zack did you just flick me?’

A loud laugh errupts from beside Zig.

'And you young lady! What have you got to say for yourself?’

Opening her door, she flings herself at Zack, wrapping him in a tight embrace. 'I love you and I miss you and I’m oh so sorry beautiful best friend of mine.’

Returning the embrace just as fiercely, he mutters into her hair 'Flattery will absolutely get you everywhere.’ before tugging her in to the apartment, Zig trailing behind the pair.

***

'Sooo…’ Once the initial greetings are over, it quickly becomes awkward as each of the friends look from one another, none of them wanting to broach the inevitable subject. Taking in the shared glances and knowing looks, a hiss of air escapes her. 'You all know don’t you?’

'What? Us? No way! What are you even talking about, we haven’t a clue…’ She raises an eyebrow at Kaitlyn, fixing her with a hard glare. 'Okay. Yep. You got me. I think we may have got you figured out. But can you please do us a favour and actually tell us this big secret because this will be realllyyyy awkward if we’re all barking up the wrong tree.’

Zig casually slings an arm around her shoulder, and she gives him a small nod, encouraging him to take the lead.

'The big secret is, you all need to brush up on your babysitting skills, because we’ll be needing your help in a few months time.’ The apartment fills with loud shrieks of excitement and congratulations.

'Zack you totally called it weeks ago, how did you know?’

'I’m actually offended. You think I don’t know my best friend? She goes off the radar completely, sends Zig round with lame excuses and the one time I actually see her, she gags at the smell of the air freshener in my car.’

'I thought I was hiding it pretty well.’

'You did great’ Zig presses a soft kiss to her cheek.

'Oh please, can you guys just stop being so adorable?’ Kaitlyn throws a cushion swiftly in Zig’s direction, hitting him square in the face.

'Oh, that’s how it’s gonna be is it?’ Reaching behind him, he grasps a cushion himself.

'Don’t start something you can’t finish Zig!’

The cushion sails through the air, hitting Kaitlyn in the face with a light thud. Seconds later, all hell has broken loose as they all clamber over each other in search of cushions, the rest of the afternoon filled with laughter.

*** PRESENT DAY. ***

Still smiling at the memory, the only response she could give to the sonographer was a simple 'Great.’ How do you tell a stranger you nearly got a black eye when one of your best friends got a little too carried away with the pillow fight straight after you announce your pregnancy? Who knew pillow fights were an actual health and safety hazard anyway?!

Wincing slightly at the acute pressure on her tummy, the now familiar rush of joy flowed freely at the sound of the heartbeat booming out quickly and loudly.

'Everything looks great. Lovely strong heartbeat too. You can see there, baby is just stretching their legs out, nice and relaxed today. It shouldn’t be too hard to find out the gender seeing as they are staying pretty still. So, do you want to know if you’re having a boy or a girl?’

CHAPTER 4.

[badsithnocookie]

alright part 2, nisha, let’s do dis

5. What would their recruitment mission be?

Republic toons only. Her initial recruitment would be at the end of the Coruscant story, when the player character ends up in the vicinity of the Jedi Temple ruins. Nisha is there leading a small expedition that has been cornered by some of the invading Sith, and contacts the player via holo asking for help. After dealing with the Empire, Nisha will thank the player for their assistance, and offer to help them out if they assist her in one more thing. the player can nope and leave (no recruitment), but if they stick around, there’s a short puzzle mission where they break into a sealed section of the Temple to retrieve what sha was looking for - a datacore that the Sith had been after, which contained various Jedi mcguffin secrets. sha thanks them for their help, and tells them to meet her at the senate building.

when they meet up there, sha and her team are in slightly better shape, and nisha offers/asks to join the player - she’ll help them out, so long as they’re not actively shitters, and in return all she asks is a berth and an okay to run errands of her own on wherever they end up. (’but how do you know where i’ll be going?’ ‘we all go where the Force takes us.’)

bonus self indulgence: her personal arc carries on that theme and consists of side quests on most planets around tracking down lost jedi or sith artefacts/holocrons/items to repair or complete the same. also has a sidequest on ilum concerning saving datacrons from the sacked jedi temples. also has unique dialogue with cedral gend if taken along on the dread seeds arc.

further bonus self indulgence: Can also be recruited by Imperial toons (or Pubs who turned her down) in Kotfe after C9. Her alert mission is on Alderaan, where she’s working a lead for the lady of sorrows - who’s promised her an introduction to the commander, if she can find a cache of imperial artefacts thought lost during alderaan’s civil war. with the player’s help she tracks it down, discovering that it’s actually a cache of Sith writings/artefacts originally stolen during the aftermath of the GHW. The player can then:

destroy the cache

results in nisha refusing to join the Alliance and leaving in a huff.

(lose influence with scorpio)

keep them for the Alliance

(gain influence with scorpio)

have them sent directly back to the Empire as a gesture of goodwill on the Alliance’s part

gain influence with talos (if recruited), lana

suggest that Nisha have the Republic offer them as the same

gain influence with sha

after thinking about it for a moment, she suggests the commander might be better off sending it directly, all the same

other than the first option, she will then offer to join the player’s Alliance, so long as they’re not an Active Shitter (blew up civilian population centres on zakuul, etc).

if she was originally recruited in vanilla the alliance alert would be much the same, with the exception that she can be talked into not leaving if the cache is destroyed, -if- the player is not an Active Shitter (didn’t blow up zakuulan civilians etc). she’s still kinda pissed that they screwed up her mission for scorps, but gets over it once she meets scorpio in person.

6. What would be their original recruitment outfit?

wartime ambassador’s chest/gloves/legs, ‘consular’ crafted headpiece, dark auger belt

8. Are they romancable? Why/why not?

yes! vanilla romance (LS characters only), can be resumed in kotfetet. opportunity for flirts/etc if recruited in kotfe. toons of all genders.

13. What gifts do they Love? Like? What would they say when you gave them a gift?

Like: Imperial memorabilia, Underworld goods, Technology, Trophy

Favourite: Republic memorabilia, Cultural Artefact

Love: Luxury, Courting (romanced)

Responses:

Like: ‘My thanks.’

Favourite: ‘Why, thank you.’

Love: ‘How very thoughtful.’

17. What letter’s would they send post vanillia class story/SOR/KOTFE

[post vanilla/romance]

number one

Subject: Plans?

Text:

I know that the war is keeping us busy, but I thought we should take some time for ourselves. You need to relax, I need some time away from my holocrons. We’ll have fun, I promise.

-N

[Attachment: Companion gift: Aged Chandrilan Wine]

number two

Subject: Records

Text:

I received word from the conservationists on Coruscant, today. They’ve finally cleared out the last records room in the Temple, and are starting work on cataloguing everything they’ve been able to save. It’s strange to think how long ago all that was. How much has changed for both of us, since then.

Thank you, for everything.

-N

[Attachment: Companion gift: Holorecord of the Republic Founding]

number three

Subject: Making history

Text:

“Every action is a part of something greater." My first history teacher’s favourite proverb. Of course, it’s been attributed to every famous speaker in the galaxy, but that doesn’t change its truth. Everything we do is important to someone, somewhere. Every action adds up to something larger. Every victory matters. Even loss is a single chapter in a greater tale.

What we do matters. What you do matters. Never lose sight of that.

-N

[Attachment: Companion gift: Memoir of the Unification Wars]

[post SOR]

Subject: Unity.

Text:

Take heart, my darling. Those who look to you do so because they see hope where there is too little, in these dark days. The greatest heroes of history all worried far more than their statues betray. The unlikely alliances forged in the fires of necessity are stronger than the will of one Sith, no matter what he threatens.

We will triumph. And I will be beside you, every step of the way.

-N

[Attachment: Companion gift: Emotional Unity Focus]

[kotfe c3]

Subject: Words unspoken

Text:

I keep finding this in my drafts, erasing it, rewriting it. Everything I commit to word seems trite the moment I reread it, as though I could say anything that would even begin to resemble the spaces I am trying to fill.

The Republic is broken, and the Jedi are scattered. Those of us not dead are hunted mercilessly by Zakuul and the Sith, both. I have found trusted allies, but there are many who were not so lucky. You, I keep being told, number among the unlucky ones.

All I can feel in the Force, though, is a numbness where I thought you were - not you, but not not-you, either. It is possible, I suppose, that I am being blinded by love and grief; I would hardly be the first or only one. But this is why I will not rest, even if I must move cautiously. Knowledge is a currency like any other, and can be found in the most unusual of places.

Until we meet again, wherever that may be.

-N