#forgive me its 5 am and im still sick | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

defcravings · 3 years

Text

show me - | im changkyun

wc: 4.4k

genre: suggestive with sexual mentions

synopsis: y/n is a makeup artist on changkyun’s ‘god damn’ MV shoot, when the rapper takes a sudden liking to her; she becomes more involved in the shoot than she anticipated.

pairing: changkyun x reader

5am was not the ideal start time for y/n, especially in the cold and with no coffee. In hand carrying 5 alarmingly large cases of makeup and costume through the staff entrance of the set for the shoot; silently assuring yourself that you ‘would get coffee or so help her god.’ Being the first one here you flicked on all the lights and threw down the cases of makeup that were slowly making you feel like your fingers were going to fall off- with a clatter on the table you exhaled and rubbed your now very sore fingers. you loved her job as a makeup artist, but it was hard to like it this early in the morning; and once again, without coffee.

you began shoving boxes round the room to clear space for the fitting and hanging the clothes up on the railing beside the mirror until you heard a familiar voice singing a very joyful ‘good morning y/n.’ You flashed a look in the direction of the door to see Jules, the head stylist in her puffy jacket (which looked like it would swallow the entire 5ft1 woman whole) duffle bag on one shoulder and gripping 2 cups of what looked like Starbucks coffee.

You stood up throwing your hair back behind your shoulders, taking the cup from Jules who extended it towards you. ‘You ready for today?’ Jules questioned, taking a sip from the cup she hugged in her hands. ‘I am now’ you said gesturing to the coffee you’d been thinking about from the moment you sat in the car on the way here. ‘Thanks for filling in by the way, Soo was really worried about leaving us without a makeup artist but her little one is really sick. I really owe you one’ Jules chuckled, setting her jacket down and picking up the makeup case and opening it. Soo was the whole reason you got into makeup, she was the head makeup artist at the company you worked for- granted you were a little nervous to be deemed ‘head makeup artist’ for the day, but with her daughter being as cute as she is, you could forgive her for being ill. ‘No no it’s fine, call it even for the coffee’ you smiled rolling out the makeup brushes.

A few more members of the team came into the studio and began to help you set up. 8am rolled around and your client was expected to arrive anytime, in the meantime you went over the makeup brief and sat on your phone scrolling aimlessly. ‘Morning everyone’ a deep voice said from the doorway. Your head whipped round to see the unfamiliar face smiling towards Jules. His black long hair draped over one eye; as he stretched out his arms to hug the little too excited Jules. ‘Oh good morning love!’ she sang, grinning from ear to ear. ‘Changkyun, this is y/n’ she said extending her arm out, gesturing towards you who was now stood up, coffee cup in hand for comfort. ‘Soo had to look after her little one, so y/n is going to look after you today. she’s well on her way to being head makeup artist’ Jules sang like a proud mother. You just stood there and chuckled at her. Changkyun paused for a moment, looking you dead in the eye before slowly putting his hand out for you to shake. You uncomfortably swallowed before shaking his hand back and gave a closed mouth smile staring him back in the eyes. ‘Nice to meet you, y/n’ he replied slowly, with a hint of sultry. His eyes dropped slowly over your body, not unnoticed, but somehow not unwanted. Hands still touching, Jules clapped, pulling you both back into the reality of being in a room with other people. ‘Shall we get you changed then?’ Jules said, ushering Changkyun over to the clothing rail. You began to feel your ears burning red and your hands run cold. He knew exactly what he was doing. And my god, it was working.

Watching his take off his jacket while Jules held up countless outfits against his chest, deciding which one would capture the concept of the shoot. After much deliberation they settled on a mesh shirt with a beige jacket over the top. Changkyun cast a look over in your direction where you leaned against the makeup table trying to act as casual as you could; as he pulled his oversized black shirt over his head revealing what can only be described a the body of a god. his gaze never leaving your’s. your breath hitched as his shook his hands through his hair; leaving everyone in the room making noises of approval and gawking at his body. ‘we need to draw the tattoos on you before we put this one though’ Jules said hanging the shirt back up and looking over towards you. ‘y/n do you want to get started on that before we dress him? just do whatever you think would match the theme’ Jules continued, Changkyun smirked, knowing exactly how this was going to go.

‘oh, okay yeah.. um, come sit here’ you said awkwardly motioning over to the couch that was placed in the middle of the room. he flopped down spreading his arms over the back of the sofa, as you slowly walked over; tattoo pens in hand. you couldn’t even bring your eyes up to meet his yet you could feel his stare casting itself over your entire body. suddenly wishing you wore a bigger shirt. softly you pulled the cap off the pen and cleared your throat, desperately trying to look him in the eye but failing miserably. ‘so um.. I was thinking, maybe something on your neck? is that okay?’ you uttered quietly, playing with the cap of the pen to ease your nerves. ‘I like that.’ changkyun replied, his gaze still running over your upper body. somehow it didn’t feel like he was talking about the tattoo. ‘okay.. can you um just..’ you trailed off as you gently turned his face away by his jawline and shuffled in a little closer to get a better handle on his neck. you cold hands touched his warm skin, immediately repeating the feeling of blood draining from your face as you placed the pen on his neck. your eyes flicked over to the mirror that faced the couch; where you saw changkyun looking directly at you, smirking as he saw your eyes meet. your heart felt like it was beating out your chest, becoming very worried he could hear it the same as you heard it in your ears.

around 10 minutes passed and you’d finished the first tattoo and you moved onto the next one; on the upper side of his bicep. this job was becoming a bit of a gift and a curse. the rest of the staff carried on organising, which should have made the situation feel much more relaxed, yet it didn't seem to make any difference, you still felt like your heart was about to burst out your chest. until he spoke. ‘do you have any?’ he murmured. you almost didn’t hear it. you shifted your eyes from your work to his face to see if it was directed at you. his dark gaze was staring back at you, taking you by surprise. ‘any what?’ you murmured back at the same level, looking back at his arm. ‘any tattoos?’ he responded. you swallowed slowly, how on earth did his voice make you so nervous? it cast goosebumps all over your body yet made you feel like you were burning up; it was almost repulsive as he knew what he was doing, but you didn't want it to stop.

a moment passed as you replied ‘yeah.. I have 3′ you steadied you breath trying to sound relaxed, like you weren’t going to explode. ‘what are they?’ he questioned, his voice beginning to sound softer as the conversation began to flow. you pulled away from the tattoo and gently pushed your hair over your left shoulder; turning your upper body the same way. ‘so.. I have one here’ you said softly, showing the back of your shoulder to him. his eyes were low as they took in all of your back, not leaving the mark on you until the last moment when you turned back to face him. his gaze flicking back up to meet yours as you turned to the other side to gesture to one on the side of your ribs, pulling your shirt up just a tiny bit to reveal the next trace of ink. his now hunched over body dangerously close to your exposed skin; causing you to suddenly stop, lowering your shirt back down and locking eyes with him. ‘and um, I can’t show you the other one..’ you trailed off, picking your pen back up. you could tell he was still looking at you. ‘why?’ he queried, in an extra low, extra sultry voice. the smirk on his lips growing larger as he began to guess as to why it was something you couldn't show him. he thought seemed to excite him. and equally, it excited you. ‘its um, in a place I can’t show you..’ you chucked softly, hoping it would break his intense gaze. to your dismay, he remained his harsh look. ‘show me’ he practically growled, his voice as low and the pit in your stomach. your eyes quickly shifted round the room, noticing that everyone had now left. ‘I can’t..’ you replied with a little chuckle. this response seemed to peak Changkyun’s interest in the matter. ‘show me where on me then’ he whispered slowly reaching for your hand and pulling it towards his body that was now shifting to his slouched torso and parted legs. your heart began to race, with the knowledge of where the tattoo was and knowing where you were going to have to touch him. this was less than professional, but somehow you didn’t care. he placed your hand on his chest trailing it down towards his abs. your fingers lightly leading the way until he reached the base of his stomach.

‘here?’ he paused the motion and looked up towards you, a smirk plastered over his lips. a smirk that transferred onto your lips too. ‘a bit further’ you whispered, earning a breath from changkyun. his hand continued down past his stomach, onto the waistband of his jeans, causing him to exhale gently. just as both your hands approached the bulge that had now appeared under his jeans, you took control, steering his hand to the side next to his hip. ‘here’ you whispered cheekily, earning a loud yet disappointed exhale from his bitten lips. ‘I see’ he said, releasing your hand from his grip and placing his hands behind his head and leaning back. his eyes moving up and down your body as you stood back up and put the pens away. ‘I'm done’ you taunted, leaning against table looking at him with low eyes. sticking his tongue in his cheek pausing for a moment before pushing himself up; he walked slowly over to meet you. feeling the heat from his bare chest inches away from your small frame. his height looming over you made you feel tiny, and he liked that. he thrived on it.

his now tattooed bicep curled up following his vascular hand towards your neck, goosebumps coated your arms from top to finger tips. his fingers trailed over your exposed shoulder, hooking his finger under the single strap from your top and and pulling it towards him. the inches between you two vanished leaving your body pressed against his taught chest. he leaned down, his breath trailing over your neck until he stopped at your ear. ‘no we’re not’ he said in a low breathy tone. your heart was beating a million miles per hour, your lips burned to touch his but you couldn’t move. like your entire body had stopped working.

changkyun pulled away, leaving your stunned body stuck in place. finally giving you a chance to breathe. his back muscles moving with every step it took away; making his way over to the clothing rail and putting his mesh shirt on without even looking at you. as if on queue; Jules entered clapping at changkyun in his outfit. ‘oh doesn’t he look great!’ she sang holding his face in her hands. ‘right lets get you on set!’ she said, pulling his hand out the door and onto set. leaving you in the dressing room, trying to rationalise everything that just happened. unsuccessfully. suddenly her head poked back into the room taking you by surprise. ‘aren’t you coming?’ she queried. ‘yeah, yeah I'm coming’ you replied pushing your confused body off the desk and following her out.

the set looked insane, the lights were low and red creating a really sultry vibe. almost dingy. the room was full of extras talking quietly and milling around, the crew on the other side of the room looking like they were getting ready to begin. a rather tall looking man wearing a directors hat clapped to the room of people and shouted ‘right everyone, we are going to get started! we are going to get the second scene out the way first then we shall start shooting the dancing! okay! changkyun and ara come over here.. changkyun sit down and ara if you could get on top of him please’ he said motioning them to a green couch that was placed in the middle of the room. a tall black haired woman lead the way, she was gorgeous, her short hair grazed her shoulders and her makeup was sexy and sultry. bothered wasn't the word you would use to describe the description, but curious was. you wanted to see how this would unfold. changkyun shot a look over to you, once again a smirk on his face. you desperately wanted to keep your face neutral, knowing what he wanted you to react and not giving him the satisfaction was far more important. with that he flopped onto the couch, his arms over the back. this looked alarmingly familiar. ara gently straddled him, placing her delicate arms over his shoulders, awaiting further instruction. ‘okay great! so your basically just going to be touching him, hands on his neck, chest, hair, things like that. just make it look natural’ the director instructed. the 2 nodded in response. the discomfort this brought you was really beginning to settle in. you sat down on the crew chair behind you and crossed your legs, just watching.

a lull of whispers filled the room as the crew got into position, leaving changkyun a few seconds to look over at you, hoping this would make you jealous. you wouldn’t give it to him. you couldn’t. pulling your phone out your pocket seemed like the best option. so you did, and began mindlessly scrolling, trying to ignore the very uncomfortable scene that was about to play out before you. ‘aaaand, action!’ called the director, the smoke machines began to spray thick fog throughout the room, a deep bass began to play only adding to the atmosphere. a few seconds passed of you scrolling on your phone trying to ignore it. but you couldn’t help but flick your eyes up from your screen. her hands were all up in his hair and trailing down his neck, her head thrown back leaving her exposed chest and neck to his gaze. wow this was uncomfortable. the discomfort was interrupted by the booming voice of the director ‘CUT’ he shouted, immediately the lights came on and the lull of quiet voices resumed. the pair looked confused, as the director strode over to the two on the sofa. the words exchanged were quiet, making sure that no one else heard. with that he made his way back over to the crew. ‘okay lets go again. aaaand action!’ he called. the atmosphere fell again. and so did your eyes to your phone. this time it lasted a little longer, until the director called cut again. the director lifted his hat to wipe sweat from his brow as he chatted to ara and changkyun. ara nodded strongly and apologised to him and got back into position.

the interruptions continued another 2 times; causing the previous lull of whispers to become louder from the crew. Jules was stood talking to the producer who was looking rather disgruntled; making you wonder what the heck was going on. A rather worried Jules shuffled back over to meet you sighing as she sat down. ‘what’s going on?’ you queried, trying to sound as disinterested as possible. Jules leaned over to you, trying to make the conversation as unheard as possible. ‘well.. she’s just not quite getting the direction. it looks awkward on camera. I think they're going to call for a break and try again later’ she whispered, eyes flicking over to the now departed duo on the couch every few words. ‘okay guys, go grab yourself a drink and something to eat and we will start again in 20 minutes, sorry guys’ the producer called to the extras who are shared the same confused look as they walked out the room to the snack room.

the director and producer walked over to ara and changkyun who were now looking over the directions on the paper in front of them. ‘grab your brushes, lets go listen in’ Jules said cheekily dragging you over to the group, to touch up their makeup. you pulled a powder brush out of your waist pouch and some a compact and began to power changkyun’s face. the conversation sounded intense. ‘it’s just that it’s looking a little awkward on camera. you’re both very farm apart, your bodies need to be closer together. more intimate looking.’ he director said awkwardly. changkyun didn’t even seem to be listening. he was looking back up at you, even though you weren’t looking at him, you wouldn’t. not right now. ‘sorry I don’t want to be a pain.. I just can’t imagine what you're asking’ ara said shyly, fiddling with the hem of her shirt.

‘come here’ changkyun demanded, not breaking his gaze at you. you shifted your eyes up to meet his. ‘what?’ you questioned, lowering your brush from his cheek. ‘like this’ he said calmly, taking your arm and pulling you down onto the sofa. suddenly you were straddling him, brushes still in hand and very confused. before you even had chance to object, one hand was trailing up your thigh to your hip while the other one travelled from your shoulder to your neck as his mouth made its way to meet it. his hot breath marking where you longed for his mouth to plant itself. his lips stopping centimetres from your sweet spot. the crew erupted with praise and woah’s. wishing he would stay there for a few more seconds was too much to ask as he pulled away, leaning back on the coach and removing his hands from your hip and neck. his eyes meeting ara’s shocked face, ‘like that’ he smirked. slowly you stood up, fixing yourself as you tried to come back to reality. ‘yes yes like that! lets go for a take while the extras are eating’ the director said running back to the camera followed by the director. Jules dragged your stunned body back to the crew area as your legs wouldn’t seem to carry you, before you could even say anything to changkyun about how he firstly shouldn’t have done that, or apologise to ara.

you watched as they got into position again, ran the scene, still as awkward as the last. the sighs and quick cut from the crew told you that they felt the same. ‘okay guys go get a drink and we will see if we can re work the scene’ the producer announced, very deflated. ara apologised and left the room, you couldn’t help but feel bad for her. this was uncomfortable, getting that intimate with someone in front of a whole crew. lord. you pulled your phone out your pocket to check the time. they were running behind. badly. as you locked it and put it back in your pocket you saw the director power walking over towards you. never good. ‘y/n will you do us a favour’ he asked you, sounding a little desperate. this could go one of 2 ways you thought. coffee run.. or something you realllly didn’t want to do. ‘umm.. what is it?’ you asked cautiously. ‘would you just do the scene with changkyun? we are running really behind and don’t have time to keep refilming’ he pleaded. you suddenly realised the entire crew was looking at you. including changkyun. ‘um.. I'm sure ara will be fine after she has a drink just give her another shot, please’ you whispered trying to not be heard by anyone else. ‘please y/n we don't have time, it’ll take 5 minutes max, please i’ll owe you one..’ he said, clasping his hands together pleading. you shifted your gaze over to changkyun who was stood in eye line behind the director, the corner of his lip curling into a smirk. god I hate him, you thought. ‘um.. yeah okay fine’ you said running one hand through your hair trying to calm yourself down. ‘yes okay amazing, get into positions please!’ he shouted turning back towards changkyun. your chest was burning like you were on fire as you watched him walk over to the couch, knowing exactly what was going to happen made it so much worse.

slowly walking to meet him at the coach and standing over him as he looked up at you with burning desire. you adjusted your shirt slightly before gently straddling him, keeping you distance still. feeling the discomfort erupting. changkyun was obviously enjoying your awkwardness, chuckling as he reached one arm around your hips and pulling you closer to him so your core was now directly on his bulge. your throat hitched as his cool breath trailed down your cleavage, never breaking eye contact. the burn in your chest was spreading through your entire body, every part taking turns to be set on fire. ‘I told you we weren’t done’ he whispered gruffly, knowing exactly what he meant. the moment was interrupted by the director ‘okay right lets go, very natural, just like earlier, y/n just follow the lead okay? right aaaand action!’ he called, causing the entire set to fall silent, waiting for whatever was about to happen. it took a moment before anything happened, soaking in exactly where your bodies connected. the music boomed low as you both became engulfed in a spray of smoke. it felt far more comfortable than before, like no one could see you.

changkyun’s hand spread flat travelling up your thigh, curving to the contours of your hip, leading up your side. your body froze outwardly, but inside you felt everything. his hand on a path to your breast, taunting you with the feeling he redirected his graze to gently trail over the top of your breast and up your neck. forcefully gripping the back of your neck and planting soft kisses up it, starting at the base and slowly working his way up. taking his time on every spot, missing non of it. earning a soft blow of air from your mouth are you arched your back to meet his hard chest. a breathy ‘knew it’ escaped his lips between harsh kisses up you neck as he reached your sweet spot.

you couldn’t let him have all the fun. you thought to yourself as you reached down to his belt loops, pulling your cores closer together taking him by surprise. a quiet low groan left his lips as you reached one hand into the back of his hair; gently tightening your grip, keeping him in place. his hands fell from you neck, holding his grip on your hips. you knew this was the reaction you wanted but you couldn’t stop there. taking the opportunity to snake your right hand up his chest to meet his jawline, holding it lightly, leaving his neck exposed. his eyes connected with yours, letting you have full control of him. his rosy lips slightly parted as you leaned towards them. grazing your nose against his, lips inches away from each other. the torment was well received, noticing a small smirk on changkyun’s lips. ‘kiss me then’ he whispered, just loud enough for you to hear. you let out a breathy laugh as you removed the inches between you two, grazing your lips against his. you felt his entire body relax beneath you as he moaned into the kiss; allowing you full control. or so you though, he quickly wrapped a strong arm around your waist, flipping you over so he was on top. his torso baring weight down on you, pulling your legs to wrap around him. hands either side of your face to keep you exactly where he wanted you, leaving you completely submissive to his grip.

‘aaaand cut!’ the director shouted, pulling you both out of the complete state of euphoria you were just in. ‘fantastic guys, wow that was great. I think that’s it, take 10 minutes and we will start the next scene’ the producer continued, clapping as he stood up out of his chair. leaving the crew to continue to their lull. you slowly looked up at changkyun again who hadn’t seemed to look away. his once perfectly tousled hair now a mess, reflective of yours. you pushed yourself to sit upright on the couch, releasing yourself from his arms. silence. from you both. desperately trying to think of what to say; changkyun began ‘I knew you weren’t done’ he smirked. causing you to chuckle awkwardly, ‘whatever’ you replied running a hand through your hair, putting it back in place. ‘the shoot finishes at 5, I'll see you after’ he said flopping back onto the couch next to you. he wanted you to say yes. you knew that. and you couldn’t have that. not yet. you leaned towards him, watching him think you were going to kiss him again. stopping just inches away from his lips you whispered; ‘we’ll see’ standing up and walking away before he even had a chance to open his eyes. catching a view of you before you left the room, realising his trousers were now getting uncomfortable..

#monsta x #monsta x imagines #changkyun #changkyun imagine #i.m changkyun #i.m imagine

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reidsconverse · 3 years

Text

memories • spencer reid

Spencer Reid x Reader

Warnings: none! just 4000 words of pure angst

This was an old fic reworked to be about around spencer so its taking a lottt of creative/artistic liberty with the character, so it kinda sucks im sorry! 😁

Every moment you had with him was one to be remembered and cherished for better or worse.

It had been a few weeks since Spencer had officially ended things, he had moved all of his stuff out of your apartment and now it seemed as if he had never even existed in the same place as you, as though you two were strangers. That is had it not been for the images of memories the two of you held. So, here you were sat alone in your room, your only company the half-empty bottle of wine and photographs of the two of you which sat strewn carelessly across your floor.

You picked up a picture and stared at it realising you both looked so happy. His arm was wrapped around your shoulder, a cup in his hand and his signature grin sitting across his face. Your head was leaning against his shoulder, the smile on your face reminding you of how free you had felt that night, you had never felt happier and you recognised that night as the night you realised...you were so in love.

"We should have a party," Spencer yelled despite there being no one else other than the two of you in the room.

"Right now?" You looked at him as if he was insane, not only was it completely out of character for your boyfriend but also, it was 1 am on a Wednesday and although your friends weren't those with a regular schedule you presumed most of them would decline a house party in the middle of the week.

"Yeah right now, c'mon doll I'll call Derek and some of the others and you call your friends." His hand was already on his phone texting Derek before you could protest so you followed his instructions and went ahead and invited your friends before getting up and preparing for this impromptu party.

It had only been 10 minutes when you heard Derek and some others open the door shouting for Spencer and you walked over with a grin on your face, "Hey D, Spencers being a diva and redoing his hair, he'll be right down." You said, rolling your eyes as Derek pulled you into a hug, he may have been Spencer's best friend but he thought of you as a sister and always treated you as such.

"Well I have look good for my girl," You heard Spencer say from behind you quickly placing a kiss on your cheek before doing his weird handshake with Derek, "Hey, thanks for coming'."

The three of you made your way to the kitchen to grab some drinks and greet some more guests who had congregated in that area and before you knew it, you were 4 shots in, feeling way past tipsy and in the mood to dance.

"Hey Spence," You said walking over to where he was now sat, a cup in his hand as he held a conversation with JJ and Emily about something that you didn't care too much about. You waved a quick hello to the girls so as not to be rude and then placed your head on his shoulder to let him know of your presence.

"Hey darling, you feeling good?" He turned his face and flashed you a wide grin before wrapping an arm around you to pull you close to him. He enjoyed being near you whenever he could, when he was away he would long for the days where all he did was sit and hold you close to him regardless of what the two of you were doing, so now whenever he had the chance he would hold you close.

"Feelin' great Spence.. wanna dance with you..." You said pulling out of his hold and grabbing his hand leading him onto the 'dance floor', which was just the open space in your living room. He laughed and quickly finished his drink, discarding the cup somewhere in the room and held you as you both danced to the music playing through the speakers.

After a couple of songs, you both made your way to get another drink and get a break from the crowd, you sat at the kitchen island and passed him a drink."You know, considering you're a genius, I would've thought you'd be able to coordinate a bit better." You said teasing him about his choice of moves which had essentially been him waving his arms in the air attempting to be in tune with the music.

He looked at you in fake shock and scoffed, "Yeah well it was still better than whatever you were trying to do." Referring to your horrendous attempt at trying to be sexy which in truth was never going to be anything but embarrassing. You stuck your tongue out in a childish manner causing him to laugh and quickly move to place his lips against yours giving you a soft kiss.

You jumped down from the counter after pulling back as a couple of your friends walked in and struck up a conversation about nothing interesting yet you made the effort to look engaged as Spencers's arm slipped over your shoulders and you placed your head against his shoulder.

"Hey guys, look here." You both turned to see your friend Harry, as always with a polaroid camera in his hand. You and Spencer gave each other a quick smile before grinning wide for the camera, both your faces full of love and happiness.

You sat there thinking about how quickly things can change, the people in the image you held so young and naive to the struggles the future would hold. Taking another sip of your wine you skimmed through some more pictures before stopping at one that held a bittersweet meaning. A picture that was taken a few days after what had been your worst fight, you both looked happy but all you could think about the events leading up to the image being taken.

It was your and Spencers 5th anniversary and he had promised he would make it to dinner. You hadn't seen each other in weeks because he was away on a case but he had promised he wouldn't miss this day, he had asked for permission from Hotch to leave for a couple of days so he would be there. "No excuses, No ifs and buts...I'll be there babe. I promise."

But there you were, alone at a table for two. The look on the waiters face held nothing but pity as he walked over for the fourth time to ask if someone would be joining you. Finally, you gave up and shook your head to let him know you would be leaving and would like the cheque. You had never felt so humiliated walking out of the restaurant head held high but tears building up in your eyes and so you cried. You felt so broken, almost as broken as all those promises Spencer had made you. The word promise and sorry had lost all meaning in the last 5 years, simply a courtesy rather than meaningful.

The minute you got home your phone began ringing, it was Spencer.

"Hey doll, I'm so sorry I couldn't make it, the team wanted to go out last night and I kind of missed my -." He began to explain causing you to scoff, 'no ifs or buts' my ass.

"How could you?" Your voice cracking as you tried to hold back the tears that were threatening to spill for the second time that night. "I waited for 2 fucking hours Spencer, I felt like a fucking idiot."

"What? What are you talking about?" His voice was full of confusion. "Didn't you get my text?"

"No, I fucking didn't. I didn't get a fucking text. But that's not the fucking point, You should've been here, you promised you would be here."

"Babe, I'm so -," He began but you knew what he was gonna say. The only conversations you seemed to have were stuck on a loop like a broken record.

"Save it. Don't say you're sorry when you don't mean it, stop saying sorry and show it instead."

"Look, I'll get on the first flight out. I'll see you in a few hours, I'll make it up to you I prom-." You hung up the phone before he could continue, his promise worth nothing to you anymore. Walking over to the couch, you fell asleep the minute your head rested against one of the many cushions populating the seat.

You woke up to keys jingling in the door, yet you made no effort to move from where you were. The sound of his footsteps got louder as he approached.

"Babe? I know you're up." He said, kneeling beside you making you sigh and sit up. "Babe, I'm so sorry. I fucked up."

You just stared at him, it might have been petty but you didn't want to give in to his apologies just yet, he had to understand just how much he had hurt you first.

"I couldn't care less anymore, Spencer. I just need to remember that I'll always come second to work and that's fine, it's important to you and I understand that." You got up and walked over to the kitchen to gather yourself.

"Babe you are the most important thing to me, I'm sorry-."

That was the straw that broke the camel's back. "Here we go again, Spencer there's only so many times you can say you're sorry before it loses all meaning. I'm sick and tired of this, I don't know if I can do this anymore. You're never here, you make promises you can never keep and I'm pretty sure you've told me you're sorry more times than you've told me you love me."

"Please don't do this. I love you." His voice was shaking, breaking down at the thought of you leaving him. He moved over to you and turned you so you were facing him. "I know this means nothing to you but I am so sorry. I've been so shitty to you and I know it."

"Spencer, I deserve better than this and I'm sick of forgiving you and acting like I'm fine with how you treat me, you might not mean it but it fucking hurts. I love you so much and I know you love me but would it kill you to put me first for once in your fucking life."

This annoyed him, the lack of sleep and being overworked leaving him less patient and more irritable, "That's not fucking fair, you knew what you were signing up for when you started dating me, I'm doing my fucking best. I go to work for US, to support US. If I could devote all of my time to you if I could, but I can't and it fucking kills me. You can't understand how much I miss you when I'm not here."

Tears welled in your eyes seeing him breakdown, unable to keep up the unbothered facade you had on, "I just...Spence, I miss you too. It hurts not being able to be near you and so when you're not there when you promise you will be, it hurts it really fucking hurts not to mention it's terrifying, how am I supposed to know you're ok if you do shit like that."

He pulled you into his arms as you sobbed into his chest, all the emotions you'd kept bottled up during the argument letting go. "I know baby, I'm so sorry I hurt you. I promise, and I mean it this time, I won't let you down again. I love you." He mumbled into your hair, slowly kissing your forehead whilst consoling you and holding you like he never wanted to let go.

The two of you went to bed that night in silence, not a word was spoken until the next day wherein Spencer switched off his phone and dedicated the whole weekend to you and only you. He kept his word once he had to leave, always fulfiling his promises, never pushing you to the side and communicating with you always. The two of you felt strong again, you were happy.

You put your glass down and walked out of your room and began pacing around the living room, pictures of you and him still up on your walls, the walls that no longer belonged to the both of you. You thought back to when he asked you to move him, how nervous he was and how excited you were.

It was movie night at Spencers house. Each week he invited everyone over to watch a film, everyone taking it in turns to select a film. This week Emily had chosen Midsommar, a film you were yet to see so you were excited. You were sat beside Spencer on the loveseat, his arm around you and your face resting against his chest, a blanket covering you both for extra comfort. You looked up and saw Derek and Penelope lay spread across the floor whilst JJ and Emily sat on the sofa. Bowls of popcorn and sweets were scattered around the room and beer bottles were piling up. It was nights like this that you wanted to treasure forever, for the first time you felt like you had a family, people to call your own, people you could trust.

"Watcha thinking about?" Spencer asked, glancing at you and realising your mind wasn't directed at the movie anymore.

"Nothing, just really lucky to have you in my life," You reached your hand up to hold his face and gave him a soft kiss. "I love you."

He pulled you in closer if that was even possible, "I love you too."

"Ugh, get a room." Derek groaned making you both chuckle.

Spencer responded by throwing some popcorn at him, "Aw is someone jealous, don't worry you'll find someone soon enough."

Derek murmured a quiet, "Fuck off" before turning his attention back to the movie, making everyone laugh.

The movie ended shortly and everyone was discussing what to watch next, you were in the mood for a comedy but Derek wanted to watch Die Hard for the millionth time. After several minutes of slight arguing, you finally decided on rewatching Moana for the 12th time.

Everyone was pretty much settled, drinks refilled, popcorn replenished and everyone back in their positions. Emily was about to press play before JJ stopped her, "Wait before you start I'm kinda cold can I borrow a sweater?" She asked Spencer.

"Yeah sure, take one from our room." He said casually like it was normal but it made your breath hitch in your throat, did he just say our room? As in, yours and his. Unofficially he wasn't wrong, it was your room as much as his, you spent pretty much every night here making having your own apartment redundant, but he hadn't yet asked you to move in with him. You couldn't help the small blush on your face and the way your lips turned upwards at his words. It made you happy knowing he thought of it as something for both of you.

"What has you so happy?" Penelope asked in a teasing tone, she'd picked up on Spencer words and knew exactly why you were smiling.

You just stuck your tongue out at her and looked up at Spencer, "Our room huh?" You asked making him smile.

"Yeah I mean, you're here every day, maybe more than I am. You should just move in at this point." He let out a little laugh after he said leaving you confused as to whether he was being serious, so you just laughed along and waited for JJ to come back so you could start the movie.

A couple of hours later almost everyone was half asleep, everyone apart from you and Spencer. You began making your way to his room followed by him carrying the blanket he had taken from his bed. The two of you went about your night routine, Spencer had insisted on keeping at least half of your things at his place hence why you never had to leave. You quickly changed into one of his shirts which fit you just right and climbed into bed where he was already sitting, reading a book.

"Spence, were you being serious...earlier when you said I should move in?" You asked him, making him put down his book and look at you.

"Would you like that? You don't have to say yes but I would love it if you moved in. The mornings when I wake up and you're still next to me, are the best mornings. Honestly, knowing I'm going to wake up next to you makes falling asleep easier. Plus Tesla and Edison love you, maybe even more than they loves me." He asked, the mention of his fish making you laugh despite the fact your eyes were welling up, what had you done to deserve the sweetest man to walk the earth.

You shifted yourself so you were straddling him and held his face in your hands, "I would love to move in with you." You answered placing a soft kiss to his lips.

"I love you so much," He said as you moved back to laying down next him. "You make me the happiest man alive and I'm so lucky to have you."

"God, Spence you gotta stop before I start crying, I love you too." You said, as he laughed and pulled you into a comfortable sleeping position.

"Goodnight love." He mumbled, already falling asleep.

"Goodnight Spence." You responded, closing your eyes and beginning to drift off but not before saying, "By the way, the fishies definitely love me more."

You hadn't realised you were crying until a tear fell onto the frame you were holding. The image just as blurred as the memories it held. You carefully placed the image face down onto the table rather than placing it back up. Making your way to the sofa, you got your phone out and glanced at the image that had left you in this state. A picture of him and her, his hands holding hers as tight as they once held yours, the grin on both of their faces wide. He was happy, only it wasn't because of you anymore. You closed your eyes again, remembering how it all ended.

He had been distant since he had come back from this last case, he had been away for almost two months trying to catch this unsub and you had thought he'd be more excited to come back to you and finally be home. But he hadn't spent more than 10 minutes with you, the only time the two of you were in the same room for longer than that was when you fell asleep. Recently that had also stopped, he spent more nights away from home and at clubs with Derek and Emily , only coming back once he knew you weren't there. It was killing you but every time you questioned it he shrugged you off, telling you he loved you.

You wanted to scream at him if he loved you why isn't he showing it, why does he refuse to acknowledge you. You knew he was lying to you, he didn't love you anymore, you could see it in his eyes, how he never looked at you as he used to, he never held you like he used to. It was killing you and you knew you should ask him but you also knew that would lead to conversation you didn't want to have, an ending you didn't want to happen. So you kept quiet, went about your day and didn't question his actions, you had decided you would rather have the worst of him than not have him at all.

But that didn't last long. A few weeks later something happened, something you could ignore. Spencer had barely been home, only coming back to grab new clothes and leaving again often returning at 4 am or not all. The nights you spent alone, his side of the bed going cold broke your heart bit by bit. But you weren't ready for it to completely shatter, the images Penelope sent you of him holding that girl, a little too close, a little too tight, a little too much, start to fill your screen causing a lump in your throat and tears threatening to spill. You walked to the kitchen, surprised to see him there, he was sat at the counter head in his hands and a coffee in front of him.

"Spencer, what fuck is going on?" You all but shouted.

"Shh, my heads killing me." He said, burying his head in his hands attempting to block you out.

"You fucking asshole." You screamed at him, the pain and hurt evident in your broken voice as you tried your best not to cry.

This made him look up, far quicker than he should've causing his head to fill with pain and throb, but he didn't care, the memories of last night were coming back he knew he had fucked up. "I-I'm sorry, I was drunk and she was just there, nothing happened.

"You're sorry? Are you fucking kidding me?" You said, moving away from him as he got up to come closer to you. "No, don't fucking touch me. I'm done."

"What? No look I'm sorry, it won't happen again, I love you." The words were said, but the tone held so much uncertainty you couldn't tell if he was trying to convince you or himself.

"No you don't Spencer, not anymore. I know you don't and I've been lying to myself, saying that I'm ok with it when I'm not. I love you so much but I can't keep hurting myself by pretending like we're fine, We're not fine, we haven't been for a long time. Yes that fucking hurts, I thought we were forever, I thought we were going to grow old together and have kids and show them that we were soulmates. I thought we were perfect but we aren't."

"I never wanted to hurt you, I love you so much but-" He started with a sigh.

"You're not in love with me anymore..." You finished for him

"I'm so sorry. I wish things were different, I wish I could control how I felt. You were everything to me, I really did picture a future for us but things changed, I don't know why and I don't know how. You don't deserve this, I'm so sorry."

"I know Spence, I know." You moved closer to him and he held you like it was the last time... because it was. "I'm sorry too."

You pulled away from him."I'll grab some stuff and go stay at my mom's for a few days. I just need to find a new place to move my stuff to." You said, trying to brush some tears away but failing as they kept falling.

"No, it's fine. I'll go, this is just as much your home as it is mine. I'll stay with Derek for a bit, you take your time sorting stuff out ok?" He said, using his thumbs to attempt to wipe away your tears. You sighed but nodded knowing he wouldn't take no for an answer.

You sat down as he went to the room to gather some things, your mind reeling from the last half hour. How could so much change in such a short period of time, years spent together thrown away so quick.

"I'm done, I'll get going ok?" He said placing his duffel bag down beside by the door.

"So this is it huh?" You said, with a sigh. You felt him walk towards you and take a seat next to you.

"The last 10 years have been the most incredible time of my life, you put up with so much of my shit and loved me unconditionally and I can't thank you enough for giving the eager 25-year-old who wanted nothing more than to impress you a chance. I'm never going to stop loving you, you know that. I'm never gonna forget about you, my first love, the first woman to capture my heart. I'm so sorry things didn't work out like how we'd imagined them. If I could change how I feel I would, I wanted nothing more than for this to be a silly phase, for me to wake up one day and feel how I felt again. But it didn't happen and it fucking sucks."

"I get it, Spence, you have to do what makes you happy and I'm not gonna stop you. I'm just sorry it wasn't me that could give you want and need, but you're gonna make some girl out there very happy if you're even half the man you were when you were with me." You gave him a soft smile as he stroked your hair and kissed your forehead.

He stood up and walked to the door. "Call me when you're ready ok? I love you." He turned and gave you a soft smile before picking up his bag and walking out the door.

You just broke down, you don't know how long you sat there sobbing your heart out but it felt like forever. Everything hurt so bad you didn't think you'd ever feel any emotion other than heartbreak for as long as you lived.

You took a deep breath as your hand hovered over the delete button on your phone, it was time to move on just as he had. As you released the breath you were holding, your finger pressed against the button, deleting all the pictures you had with him and you felt like a weight had been lifted off your shoulders and the realisation sunk in.

You loved him so much, but he wasn't yours to love anymore.

He was just a memory.

tagged: @gcblers @187-reid @mgg-theprettiestboy @mggbler @snitchthewitch

#spencer reid #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid angst #spencer reid blurb #spencer reid imagine #spencer reid smut #spencer fluff #my works!

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transsexualhamlet · 2 years

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001 for bsd 002 for dead apple trio 003 for shibusawa <33

Hihihi!! :3 :3 Ask game

001: BSD

Favorite character: It would be very difficult to come up with a favorite character of all time for bsd theres just SO many blorbos to choose from but um. Fyodor is my top blorbo

Least Favorite character: This is a no brainer but I just cannot stand fukuchi I know there's a lot of points about legitimate political themes but also I'm sorry I cannot take an old man who makes fart jokes seriously about anything

5 favorite ships: Fyogol Fyozai Atsuluaku (I think lucy could fix shin soukoku) dead apple trio and the whole DOA polycule ehehe gay people

Character I find most attractive: chuuya HANDS DOWN. No argument I will not be taking constructive criticism I am on my knees for this man

Character I would marry: ALSO CHUUYA but if i had to choose someone different, Lucy. I love them both so fucking much and I think they are actually good loveable fun and interesting people

Character I would be best friends with: Akutagawa or Fyodor. My type of best friend is wet cat i picked up out of the gutter I would fix them up good I promise

A random thought: God the tik tok fandom of bsd is absolutely rancid and it's really just a wasteland of people fighting each other tooth and nail for chuuya nakahara custody since literally everyone is convinced they're the only one who understands him and then proceeds to give the worst takes ever on him

Unpopular opinion: Mori is in general a good person and he really and truly wants the best for the city and for the world and the world he lives in has forced him to make very bad decisions, he has decided to be the bad guy for the world to function and near anyone else in his position would fucking crumble. He is fair and kind and allows the least amount of suffering possible though he knows that he does not deserve forgiveness for the things he has had to do. Without him the world would go to shit so fast.

Canon otp: I mean, there's not any canon ships in bsd really, but in terms of Most canon I would probably consider fukumori or shin soukoku? I love soukoku too but you know im Picky about it

Non-canon otp: ah yes the these characters have had One (1) interaction but they're fucking. Fyoya and Nikozai and also Sigzai i fucking love them

Most badass character: IM SORRY BRO ITS STILL HANDS DOWN CHUUYA HES TAKING ALL THE AWARDS TONIGHT CHUUYA CAN USE ME AS A FUCKING DOORMAT

Most Epic villain: Nikolai ofc he's 100 percent the most unhinged motherfucker in the cast and I am bonded to him on a molecular level Help

Pairing I am not a fan of: I feel like I've been over this a lot and at this point I just don't wanna make anybody sad bc I know people who ship just about everything sane and normal so you know you do you as long as it's not fucking gross yknow

Character I feel the writers screwed up: Teruko could have been an absolute girlboss if they didn't give her the. I don't know the. The Fukuchi Thing why did they do that seriously what why

Favorite friendship: Yes yes Dazai and Oda very much so Dazai and Oda but hAVE YOU CONSIDERED Chuuya and the flags. I'm all holding them so tightly you don't even fucking understand. They're so important

Character I most identify with: :|. Nikolai and Dazai. I should not be allowed in public spaces

Character I wish I could be: YOU ALREADY KNOW WHO IM GONNA SAYITS FUCKING CHUUYA. There's not many people in bsd whose situations/mental states I really envy tbh. Dazai is crusty and sad and I don't want to ever see the state of his apartment. Fyodor is even sicker than me. Akutagawa's on the brink of death at all times. Being Ranpo would kill me because I would not be able to keep up the illusion of having an ability and I wouldn't be able to handle the thought that I didn't have one and everyone else did. All my kins are so sad and sick and in awful situations except CHUUYA who is being BADASS and MAKING BANK and GETTING BITCHES. Yes, he has obviously had so much tragedy in his life and he has very much suffered but the fact remains that he has gone through it and come out even stronger than before. He's such a guy I want to be him so bad

002: Dead Apple Trio :))

When I started shipping them: Literally the second I met these guys I was like Oh They're Fucking. All thru the first time I watched dead apple it just. More and more. These fuckers gay as shit

My thoughts: I looove them so much and they are so fucking terrible they're awful people and they love terrorism and genocide and being queercoded villains. They're in their big gothic spire doing gay crimes. Everything they do is labeled under 'consensual but not safe or sane'

What makes me happy about them: I love thinking of them all as some flavor of transfem nonbinary and they are so queer and gnc girlbosses that did nothing wrong they're so important to me shibusawa designed their wedding dresses and dead apple is the honeymoon

What makes me sad about them: I mean, I usually just call them girlbosses and call it a day but the thing is, the one thing that really brings them together is their fucking mental illness. Without unmedicated depression, unconventional takes on religion, and several personality disorders each, those three would never even talk to each other. The reason they care so much for each other is because they're the only ones who truly understand each other, they can see through each other's lies and straight to their rotted empty fucking ribcages. They only come together when they're at their absolute worst. They probably met at a sleazy gay bar and if it weren't for all their own grand schemes, at the slightest negative emotion they would just meet up there again and lace all their drinks with cyanide

Things done in fanfic that annoys me: I mean. There's like 20 fanfics in the dead apple trio tag total, and 90 percent of them annoy the shit out of me, but yknow. I don't like it when they treat Dazai like some sort of victim in this situation, like, no he is 100 percent into this. This is normal for him and he signed up to get stabbed. Also people who think Shibusawa tops anyone are dumb as shit look at those acrylic nails sh;drgsfdoig

Things I look for in fanfic: IF IT'S NOT PRETENTIOUS AS SHIT, I'M NOT INTERESTED HSDIFHDS but seriously I think the important thing to realize is that this trio is that they're each other's bad habit. Most of the time they're totally clean of each other but every once and a while they will just fall into that hole again and come together to dig it deeper and deeper. They're awful for each other and nothing can save them. As much as the porn is good I wish there were more fics that had actual plots for them

My wishlist: I mean. Shibusawa is kind of dead for realsies now so it's not like they'll meet again anyway and I don't think I need them to be any more canon than they are, yknow? That's how I feel with most of my ships because like. There's already soo much subtext there for me, but if it was explicit, it would literally just be demonizing queer people and queer relationships and would be taken completely wrong and I think. It's just fine the way it is bc to me it is very clear they're gay sdhighdfs

Who I'd be comfortable them ending up with, if not each other: I mean,, I don't know if I can really see a hypothetical Happy Ending for any of these guys. Perhaps there might be one for Dazai, if he can keep his shit together from now on, but not for both. I really do like the idea of both Fyodor and Dazai living and having to attempt to fix each other together, I really do, although I don't think Nikolai would survive in that situation :(, but that's not something that would happen in canon lol. Fyozai will either die together with Nikolai or it'll be Dazai alone. In that case, I think Dazai should be with Kunikida. They would actually be good for each other, I really do think that.

My happily ever after for them: There is NO happily ever after for the dead apple trio, as much as it's sad to say, there really and truly isn't. They're not good for each other, they're not a sustainable polycule as much as they love each other. Fyozai could hypothetically move on together and mourn Shibusawa, but there's no way they'd be good with him alive, there just isn't.

003 Shibusawa !!! Ok this is hard he interacts with like 3 people

How I feel about this character: Shibusawa sucks and I love him. He's a pillow princess. He's my wife. He tortures children but he would be a good mom I swear. He wants an e-z bake oven. He is an international terrorist but he is also a crazy cat lady. He walked into yokohama to start the apocalypse dressed like a cottagecore grandma with a million dollars of stolen jewelry in his purse and got called the t slur ten seconds before the fog came. I hate him hes my favorite he uses his science skills to create estrogen laced cupcakes

Any/all people I ship romantically with this character: Obviously Fyodor and Dazai but also Ivan. Shibusawa needed like a body double for some plot and Fyodor was like "I've got this crazy weirdo with long white hair who looks a lot like you, I can rent him out for five dollars an hour" and they hit it off like nobody's business. Now Shibusawa uses him as a crazy gay test subject for his unethical experiments and they kiss and Ivan is madly in love with him

My unpopular opinion about this character: I don't know why people hate Shibusawa so much. On international women's day week too?? Im sorry women can do anything. I'm all for awful evil women, Shibusawa included. Genuinely I don't get how anyone could think Shibusawa is like. A man. One thing you have to understand about me. Is that Shibusawa is my wife

One thing I wish would happen/had happened with this character in canon: I WANT HIM TO WEAR A DRESS. BIG DRESS. POOFY FANCY DRESS. VICTORIAN BALLGOWN. HE DESERVES IT. HE WOULD LOVE IT

Favorite friendship for this character: I think that Shibusawa and Nikolai would be good friends. They gush about Fyodor and Nikolai is Shibusawa's crazy friend who gives him all his awful ideas and Shibusawa encourages everything. Also there's my and my friend's ocs Fran and Kafu who are both. Around Shibusawa ™ but that's a whole nother story. Fran is his younger cousin who helps him exist and Kafu is this absolutely insane fucking creature who's deeply in love with him and is in his walls

Crossover ship: I have never thought about this ever before but after some consideration. Albert Moriarty. I think they would get along well. I really do think they would get absolutely fucking wasted and Shibusawa would get fucking railed after they talked about how much they hated rich people and killing rich people and stealing rich people's money to kill more people and how fucked up the world is and how they wanna die

#rowan gets yelled at #lesbian studying me like a bug #ask game #fucking loved this it took forever /pos

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shyrose57 · 3 years

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2: At first? No. Ran was the first one who noticed when something was off but Ranbob brushed it off as him being tired. Though when he saw that his brother was still acting that way he kept checking in, til "Ranbob" eventually snapped at him one day, scaring and hurting Ran enough to get him to stop. His parents and Lias and Memi also noticed, but Lias and Memi didn't ask as often because Ran told them not too, and when Memi asked Ranbob gently told her its ok and to not worry. Lias was hesitant to accept this but eventually did, with Ranbob promising to tell him if something was wrong, a promise he sadly broke. Ranbob was close to his family, especially his younger siblings, and loved to play and study with them. He had a lot of friends at first that he played games with and joked around with. Though after he started to get out under more pressure and the introduction of Dream he got distant, lost all of his friends (even though he still cared for them), didn't play with Lias or Memi nearly as much, started skipping dinners and not talking to his parents or Ran. And when Dream was mostly and fully in control, he stopped talking at all, and ignored everyone. Lias desperately tried to get him to talk but that just resulted in a harsh stare with a silent promise, Memi tried to hug him, which he then pushed her away, and when Ran tried one last time to talk to him, but "Ranbob" just punched him and walked away. When his parents tried one very last time to intervene, that's when it got fatal. The Gladiators where horrified at what they read, finding it hard to believe and making them sick to their stomach. Benjamin caught them reading it, though he simply sadly smiled at them and said, "I read it too. Its horrible isn't it? He didn't deserve to go through that. But we'll help him. We'll help him be free and be himself again, I promise you, and everyone else. We'll save him." They felt like they where staring at a ghost, it was unnerving, to see such a happy and young Ranbob, knowing what will happen to him that will wipe him clean of all happiness. And it felt disrespectful when they caught sights of Ranya, Seth, Lias, and Memi. Cause they never knew them, and now they where looking into the such happy and gleeful eyes of dead people who don't know the torture their son and brother is going through. (And that went for everyone)

3: This is literally Ran's mentally when it comes to being stabbed, "I've been stabbed multiple times before and I haven't died. Therefor, I am immortal." Yes he is :). He gets threatened with Benjamin because if Benjamin finds out he isn't eating or sleeping Benjamin will force him to eat every bite of a full meal and force him to go to bed, sitting next to him and reading to him until he falls asleep. Which sounds nice, but considering Ranbob doesnt want to "bother" them, its a threat to him. Raq will always cause problems, he's a expert tracker and because of that he's able to hunt the groups down. He often will pop out of nowhere and attack the group, chasing them down until someone turns around and attacks him. Often Ran attacks him by looking Raq directly in his eyes, causing him to flee. Cause even though Raq wants to get Ran, he knows very well if they make eye contact he will lose a battle no matter what he does, so its best to run and attempt to blind him at a later point. Ran his very happy to be on the road again, and if Ranbob wasn't there (who's keeping Ran on edge and preventing him from fully enjoying the trip, though its mostly just Ran doing it to himself), he would be non-stop talking and running ahead of the group. But even with Ranbob there he's happy to finally be moving again.

4: The gladiators did not witness it first hand, rather they heard screaming and went to check it out, worried and alarmed. And when Ranbob went into the depressive state did Benjamin come over to them and explain what was going on and what was going to happen. When then Jackie offered to help keep Ranbob company while Grievous and Watson offered to go along with Cletus to find Ran. When they heard the scream Jackie was scared and nervous, Grievous was anxious and on edge, Watson was calm yet curious, and Ran was mad and on edge. And when they found out what happened, Jackie felt bad and sympathetic, Grievous felt sad and a bit guilty, Watson was sympathetic and felt bad for him, and Ran was pissed.

5: Isaac and Benjamin just kinda accepted it and went "Yes he is like a lost puppy and we love him for that.", Charles was embarrassed and instead of responding properly he muttered out an excuse and left, cause he was not expecting to be confronted with Ranbob being like a puppy at all and didn't know how to respond, and Cletus just stuck his tounge out and blew raspberries. And Ranbob was just purely embarrassed.

6: Actually first thing Ranbob got when he arrived to the fishermen house was wrapped up in multiple fluffy blankets and had a hot chocolate shoved in his hands. Also whenever he goes into a depressive episode or wants to go back the fishermen just bring out emergency blankets and quickly make either hot chocolate or tea and Ranbob loves it every single time.

7: Ranbob is mixed, he loves it being back as it reminds him of such good times, but it also doesn't feel right when Charles says it because Ran was the one who made it. It only sounds right when Ran says it. Ran is angry that Ranbob is letting someone else call him Bobby (which he is also sad about), but is also mad that he's mad that someone else is using it. But he's also happy its being used again, and is happy to see Ranbob still enjoys it. Grievous of course notices it, but doesnt look into it, and so does Watson but he also doesn't ask about it, determing it to be something the brothers themselves have to talk about.

8:Because if it was Porkius or literally anyone else, they wouldn't of helped and would've watched happily as the two fought, waiting until one fell and even encouraging the fight. But they also jumped into the area from the stands and Cletus specifically placed himself between the two, pushing Ran back and yelling at him (which rarely anyone does) when Benjamin then came up to try to calm the raging enderman down, while Charles checked on Ranbob, and Isaac kept look out for any sudden movements between the two so he could intercept the potential attack. Plus when Isaac saw the other group approaching he ran to meet them, asking if they knew Ran and when they said yes, quickly stating a plan to safely restrain Ran long enough until Ranbob was taken to safety. Then leaving Ran to the group, but also saying how he wanted to talk later.

10: Sounds like the certain town just may be the ruins of the Greater SMP. So I'll probably have Wilburs Decendent (which I dont currently have a name for, if anyone has one please feel free to suggest one!) As a popular performer there and also the towns historian, so when our groups get there Wilbur is able to provide information about Dream, Ranboo, basically everyone and the history of the SMP. Most likely going be a part of the story when Ran truly starts to slowly believe that his brother didn't meant to do everything he did.

11: Yep, he knows Ranboo used to have bad memory (not how bad it was, just that it was bad) but he's never read it because Mizu never had the actual book, it was only told in tales and stories that Mizu had. If that makes sense. Ranbob will get plenty more hugs I promise you, though that also means he gets hurt more.

12: Kinda but also cause I enjoy writing angst.

Ok ok here's some fluff: These all take place a good week or 2 (or longer) after Ran forgives his brother and the relationship gets better. Watson walks in on the two sharing a blanket and sleeping against eachother. With them leaning on eachother and leaving almost no space between them. Ran finally calls Ranbob Bobby again and Ranbob cries and hugs his brother tightly, Ran is shocked but quickly hugs back just as tightly. Ranbob gets to finally pull a big brother move and tease Ran about his "nerdy" habit of reading so many books, Ran tries to fire back that Ranbob literally picked a idol that requires you to be a bookworm but he simply shoots back that Technoblade also requires you to be a bookworm. Its been spotted multiple times of either Ran or Ranbob having their tail wrapped around his brothers wrist or leg, and the two aren't very far apart now. Jackie jokes about being replaced by Ranbob and being heartbroken, basically draping himself over Ran and whining while everyone else laughs at Rans distress. Ran and Ranbob eventually agree to merge their two hauntings, which is extremely rare and is the biggest sign of trust and love there is in enderman language. Ran reads to Ranbob one night after a bad relapse, which ends up soothing Ranbob much sooner than anything else.

I also have a more mythical idea of fluff that probably wont be in the main story, but im willing to share it if you want.

2: Only his family noticed? Dang, okay. I’m irrationally attached to his siblings now that they have names, and this only hurts me. Do the gladiators have any noticeable changes in behavior towards Ranbob and Ran after reading it? Also, who may Ranya and Seth be? I don’t believe I saw them mentioned earlier.

3: Technically, he’s right. He hasn’t died yet, anon, and he’s been stabbed multiple times, he could very well be immortal. I guess he should probably do his best to not get stabbed again though, I hear it’s kind of bad for you.

Ranbob: *Not doing something he should do for his own health*

Benjamin: *Self Care But As A Threat(Gently)*

Ranbob:

Ranbob: *Does it*

Also, even though I acknowledge that Raq could be a genuine threat, all I can imagine are Team Rocket shenanigans. He keeps trying to blind him in various, complicated ways, and fails hilariously. One time he actually manages to do it only for Jackie to take him out or for him to turn around and accidentally look Ranbob straight in the eyes cause the poor hybrid was trying to knock him out without a fight.

4: Yikes, that must have been pretty scary, just hearing everything go down. If I may ask, what exactly happened with Ranbob? You said there was screaming?

5: Well, at least everyone’s come to terms with it. Ran uses people as tote bags, and Ranbob is the local puppy, and it is what it is.

6: Very good! He needs it! Also, do they just keep them on hand? Just-he looks a tiny bit sad and Benjamin pulls blanket and tea out of thin air and burritos him.

7: Aww. But also, ouch. Oh well. At least we can get Ran eventually picking the nickname up again.

8: Oh? Interesting. Sounds like these guys are pretty quick on their feet. I can see why it’d impress the gladiators.

10: That? Sounds so cool? Oh, I really like that honestly, I can’t wait to see where you take that.

11: Neat. Is that where he got the idea for his diary, or? And why? Why must we suffer in order to take comfort from the kinder things in life? Why can’t Ranbob just have hugs without pain?

12: Did you genuinely just admit to aiming for my feelings with that last one?! Anon, how could you! I’ve been injured! My heart, Anon!

13: AWWWW. To all of this. So fluffy, and cute! Just what we needed, thank you! Also, more fluff, you say? Please share, we need all the fluff we can get.

Have a good week, Brothers Anon, and thank you for the lovely fluff, and equally lovely pain. I’m excited for more!

#Brothers AU #dream smp au #dream smp #tales from the smp #the lost city of mizu #ran #ranbob

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ironwoman18 · 3 years

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Garvez Moments Part 11

Chapter 11: Hurricane Andrew

“Where is Luke?!” asked Penelope in between contractions “he promised to be here when our baby arrives”

“He’s still in Florida” said Max “there’s a hurricane”

24 hours earlier

“Ok I will order the food while you pick the movie” said Penelope from the couch and with a big baby bump. Her doctor was worry because she developed a high risk pregnancy so the last month will be at home.

Luke took care of her as much as he could due to his job, and when he cannot, Max and her sisters helped. The art teacher and now member of the Smithsonian’s team had more free times than Luke or Spencer so she was there for the former TA of the BAU.

But this last week Luke asked for a few days off to watch over her. And now they will have a relaxing Tuesday afternoon.

“Sounds perfect, I think I will pick a nice movie so Andrew learn what he should be watching”

Penelope rolled her eyes “you mean Richard? Because that will be his name” they decided to know the gender of their baby so they could have the perfect bedroom for him or her.

They gave the letter to Dave and Krystal so they organized the baby shower and let them know. When the blue cupcake was revealing… the battle began.

Penelope wanted her dad’s name and Luke wanted his, so when they talked about the baby, they used the name they wanted and that started fights between them.

“Whatever… I will find the perfect movie” Luke said irritated but did not want to continue because it might put him and his beloved wife in a fight.

Penelope ordered their favorite Thai food, they had been together for a year and a half and he learned to love her food choices and she still has struggles with his, because of the meat products but respect him.

His phone started to ring “oh hell no… I told Emily I will be busy with you and I can’t answer”

“Babe… your job needs you and I’m sure a poor woman is in need because a horrible man is hurting her”

He sighed but answered “hey Emily”

“Oh hey Luke… I’m soo sorry, I know you asked me for a few days off and I know Penelope needs to be in bed for the rest of the ninth month but I really need you here”

“Why? You have JJ, Spencer, Dave, Tara and Matt”

“Actually Matt is sick and JJ sons are sick and Will is in New Orleans” he sighed “and Tara is visiting her father… So I will need you”

“Ok I will be there in a few minutes” he said and hung up “I will ask Max if she can come here while I’m out”

“It’s ok honey. I will call her while you are getting ready” he nodded and kissed his cheek then she got out her phone and call Spencer’s wife. They talked for a while. And Max accepted to be there in ten minutes.

When Luke was ready, he walked out of their room “did you talk to Max?”

“Yes, she accepted to come. It will take her some minutes to be here so you can go to catch the bad boys” she smiled at him “Call me please” he nodded and leaned in to kiss her.

“I love you”

“I love you too” he smiled and left the house.

Present day

“A hurricane?!” almost screamed Penelope “I shouldn’t let him go!” she said a little frustrated.

“I know the feeling, I’m worry about Spence too but we have to wait” said Max holding her hand “trust him, he will be here as soon as he can”

15 hours earlier

“Ok so the unsub is killing black men?” Luke asked and the policeman nodded,

“They are all in good shape and they are young, maybe in their 20s or 30s” commented him “according to the forensic doctor he killed this men with a knife”

“And when did this start?” asked Spencer.

“Two weeks ago”

Spencer’s brain started to work; if you paid close attention to the boy genius you could see and hear it working. He looked at his coworker and the policeman “the hurricane started two weeks ago according to the weather channel”

Luke started to realize what his partner meant “you think this man is doing this because of the hurricanes?”

“In the past the Aztecs, Greeks, Romans, Egyptians and Incas thought that there was a god that can control weather. So to ask for their good will they used sacrifices to please him. Maybe this man thinks he’s doing the same”

“Maybe it’s time to give the profile” he said looking at the dead man in front of them.

They said that the unsub could be a man in his 20s or 30s, he could be in good shape and very athletic like his victims. He could have polytheistic cultures knowledge and think he is saving Florida because of the sacrifices he is doing. When he realized that they are not working, he will scale and kill more people. They had to stop him sooner.

Present day.

JJ arrived at the hospital, they gave Penelope a room and they are waiting for her time to give birth. She found Max outside with her phone.

“Hey Max, thankfully Will arrived and I could come here” she said to her “where are my godson and goddaughter?”

She smiled “with their grandfather and aunt. They accepted to watch them while I was with Penelope. But now im worry. Spencer doesn’t answer and neither does Emily nor Luke”

“I called Ashley, you know the new TA and she said they were having trouble with their phones due to the hurricane but thankfully they capture the bad guy so they are waiting for the hurricane to move away so they can return”

“Oh thank God…” said the brunette smiling “how are Henry and Michael?”

“Better… they had a cold but I always am worry with Michael especially since Henry had a convulsion when he was about Michael age”

“Oh my… but I’m happy they are better” the blonde smiled.

“I will go see Penelope, you see if you can call Ashley to ask her for them” she nodded and JJ left to talk to her female best friend.

5 hours earlier

The hurricane was getting worse and the unsub had his last victim, this time he captured a woman, younger and beautiful “I’m sure this time the gods will forgive us! I was wrong about using men” he had a crazy look in his eyes.

Before he moved his knife to her throat the team arrived. Spencer was next to Luke holding his gun. He could not help but went to the field to help. He looked at the knife; it was clearly a sacrificial one.

“Back off! I have to save us with this sacrifice!” said him holding the knife.

“Enrique Diaz, I can’t let you kill this woman, it won’t stop the storm” said Spencer with a calm voice “she isn’t the solution”

“How do you know?”

Spencer thought quickly “Because I saw a prophecy” he said putting down the gun, playing along with the unsub “the storm will stop in 6 hours…”

“Because that’s the time a soul takes to arrive to the gods’ palace”

“No, this woman will take longer because she isn’t as pure as you think” he looked at the scared woman, she was confused but decided to remain silence “if you stop killing it will prove them you are committed to let them do their judgement”

“Their judgement?” Spencer nodded “so they won’t stop…”

“No” the man had some tears and dropped the knife. Luke immediately ran to capture the man and spencer helped the victim.

Dave and Emily were at the other door as backup if the killer got crazy.

The rest of the time they stayed at the hotel waiting for the hurricane to past that part of the city.

When it happened the team was able to fly back to Washington DC as fast as the plane could. After the plane touched the land they all left to the hospital just in time to see Luke find out his son was about to arrive into this world.

The nervousness started to run thru his veins. Will be him a good father? Will he be a good support for his wife and son?

“babe you are here” said Penelope after he walked in and sat next to her.

“Yes… I’m sorry chica… a hurricane didn’t let me to be here earlier” he said with a smile “I wish it didn’t happen so I can be here with you”

“its ok my love” she kissed him softly then the doctor started to order her to push. The all peace and love Penelope disappeared and the angry and aggressive one started to treat him to dead for leaving her almost 7 hours in labor while he was in Florida.

Luke knew this was not his chica so he ignored it, she calmed and asked for forgiveness, she was just in so much pain.

A new contraction started and the aggressive woman reappeared “New guy!! You ruined my life… I won’t have another kid with you!”

“You are doing good Penelope. One more and your baby will be here” the doctor said. The couple nodded.

A few seconds later Penelope pushed one more time and they could hear a new kind of cry, the cry of a new person in the world, the cry of their baby boy.

The nurse cleaned him and covered him with a blanked. Then they checked his weight and size.

“You did it great chica, I’m very proud of you” he kissed her forehead.

“Thank you for be here and for helping me with this” she smiled and kissed his cheek then the nurse arrived with the baby.

“Here’s your baby, does he have a name?”

They nodded and when Luke was about to talk Penelope did it first “Andrew Ricardo Alvez Garcia” she smiled and looked at the nurse who smiled and left.

“Andrew? I thought you wanted a different name”

“Yes but you sacrificed a day off to work and you are our hero so that’s your price for doing the right thing, even if that means you weren’t around for a day”

He had some tears and but smiled “I received a lot of recognitions but this is the best I ever get” he kissed his son head “hey buddy. Daddy is here” he smiled big and enjoy his time with his family.

After some more minutes he walked out of the room, all the team and some member of their families were there.

“A new baby boy joined the BAU family. Andrew Ricardo Alvez Garcia” they all smiled and hugged the new father. Kristin handed him a present for the baby and so did the rest of the team.

“You know what is curious?” said Spencer to him “I just heard that the storm we were in its path a few hours ago was named Andrew as well”

“Well my son will be a hurricane then” he laughed and hugged the family he made in the last few years. The members of the BAU were his family in DC.

OOooOOooOO

I hope you liked it. I wasn’t sure what to do exactly for this baby, I had the idea of the hurricane but didn’t want to repeat a case like the one where the unsub was building a body.

This idea of the “old gods” came to me as I was writing; I hope it’s a good M.O. and a “good” reason to kill during a hurricane.

Suggestions are open. Also my stories post season 15 are connected so in this interconnected world The Worst Third Date Ever, Our Most Wanted Date, Double dates and this one are connected and details of Maxcer and the new TA are in the first story, and the evolution of Garvez are in the rest of the stories.

#garvez #penelope garcia #luke alvez #criminal mind #fanfiction

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therapybabbie · 3 years

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writing this down so i can know what to expect for my next breakup and that every bad feeling is temporary............

this wasnt a normal breakup so its a little less straightforward, but im counting the end of november as when we “broke up.” we hadnt been together officially since april and we hadnt slept together at all since the beginning of november, and we didnt stop hanging out completely til mid-december, but the end of november is when i feel that i truly 100% accepted that not only did i not want to be with this person right now, but i NEVER WOULD bc of things he had done that i finally realized were unforgiveable.

end of november - end of january (first 2 months): absolute hell on earth, withdrawal symptoms, couldnt stop myself from talking to him sometimes. waking up crying all the time, either crying for myself and how he treated me or crying for him and his fucked up life and being worried about him. also still doing drugs. couldnt go on any dates without talking about him. tried to have some sort of “relationship” with another guy for about 2 weeks but i just felt like i was recreating my relationship with my ex and i couldnt do anything sexual w him bc it felt wrong and i didnt want to.

after 2 months: started to get real fuckin pissed off. texted michael a long list of things he did to me and was really mean, etc. then regretted it. then started to make peace with the fact that we shouldnt talk to each other at all for a very long time. but at this point i was still holding out hope that we’d talk again eventually (during no part of this process did i want to get back together though, i got rid of those feelings prior to november)

beginning of march - mid-april (3 months-4 months after) just pure blinding anger and rage, but with no more urge to reach out to him about it bc i know he wont help. still nightmares about him every once in a while but very rare. he was still the first thing i thought of every morning, but it wasnt sadness or missing him anymore. now its just annoyance that i have to think about this, or anger that he did this to me. still hope we’ll talk again eventually and he’ll apologize to me, but i’m no longer expecting any messages from him to pop up on my phone. i never look at my phone hoping to see his name, which is a huge relief.

late april - now (mid-may) (4-5 months after) he’s not the first thing i think of in the morning. i have at least one or two other thoughts first, which is nice. i hardly even look at his social media anymore bc thinking about him mostly makes me feel sick. i cant even imagine texting or talking to him at this point, even if i were blind drunk. the only social media of his i ever look at really is spotify and its just so i can feel a little happy if hes listening to a lot of sad music bc i want his current relationship to be going poorly (sorry...), not even bc i am jealous in the way that i want him back (i do not), but more that i am jealous he gets to be with someone right now and i don’t bc he was the one who treated me so badly in our relationship and it feels unfair. if i were to look at a picture of him, i’d probably still feel sad but i no longer have the urge to do this. i kind of hope we’ll talk again but mostly bc i still feel he wronged me and owes me an apology, not bc i want us to “be on good terms. a big part of me also knows that by the time i’d be in a position to talk to him again, i probably won’t care very much whether we do or not. i no longer care about his opinion of me bc my opinion of him at this point is pretty low. i wouldn’t say i forgive him at all, i’m still mad when i think of how he treated me, but i mostly just feel kind of sorry for or even contemptuous towards him. im a lot more comfortable being alone and no longer feel the need to go on dates unless i really really want to. i have things to focus on that are boring but still make me happy, like changing my diet, learning to cook, exercising again, etc. i don’t even want to meet someone quite yet, even if they were perfect for me, bc i want to get comfortable working on these things about myself first. its like the void that michael left is almost all the way filled, and once it is and i feel like myself again, i think i’ll be ready to find someone new.

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lunatic-fandom-space · 3 years

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Comparing RWBY and YGO DM: The Handling and Evolution of Themes

Hey! Its been a hot minute since I last posted anything RWBY-related but Im laying in my bed right now and Im sick and bored so I guess we're doing this. Today I will do my best to analyze what I percieve to be the main themes and messages of both of these shows, or more specifically, how theyre handled narratively. Im mostly focusing on that part because, while these series do have similar themes and messaging, they are still a few things in which they are wildly different. And with that, lets start with this essay-post-thing!

1. Theres something we need to adress first

Okay so, before we can really talk about this, theres something I feel the need to clarify here: Neither of these stories was "planned from the beginning".

Now, I dont think a story being planned from the beginning or not nesscessarily makes the story any better or worse by default, however, it is still important to acknowledge because the way the story is planned is going to affect every facet of it. Things are not going to be foreshadowed properly, things are gonna be set up only for nothing to come of it, the story might drastically change directions, characters might act differently, etc, etc.

And, this is bit off-topic but, it's much better to just admit that the story was not planned than trying to pretend that it was. Like, there are a lot of reasons why I tend to be so forgiving towards YGO even though its not very good, but one of them is definitely the fact that, as far as Im aware atleast, the guy who wrote it isnt pretending to have had this big master plan all along and neither is the fandom. With RWBY on the other hand... yeaaaah, its kinda the opposite. From what Ive seen of RWBYs fandom, there seems to be this pretty popular narrative that everything was planned even though it clearly wasnt. Thats pretty bad and honestly lowers my opinion of the writers so much more than if they would just admit to not having a proper plan.

Like, I initially consumed YGO like this: Yu-Gi-Oh Duel Monsters, Yu-Gi-Oh (aka Season 0), like, a quarter of the Yu-Gi-Oh manga (I still havent finished it)

In all three of these we have the character of Yami Yuugi, or just Yami. Broadly speaking, he is an ancient egyptian gamer spirit who lives in a magical puzzle that has not been solved for 3000 years until this highschooler named Yuugi Mutou comes along and solves it, thus setting him free and allowing him to possess Yuugi and have access to the vague magical powers of the puzzle.

In Duel Monsters he's perfectly fine most of time, morally speaking. There is an instance of him almost murdering a guy and its a bit unclear what exactly happens to those he mindcrushes but overall he's very much a pretty good guy. In Season 0 most of what he does is set up these games for bad people, where they will go insane no matter what they do. From how I understand this whole Shadow Game, Penalty Game stuff, if you lose a Shadow Game, you get violent and intense hallucinations and you will always cuz yknow, gamer spirit. But if you try to cheat, which most of the bad people do in this show, you get violent and intense hallucinations as a punishment.

Since the two anime are generally considered two different continuities, its perfectly fine that Yamis characterization is wildly different in both of them. But in the manga both of these characterizations appear, basically one after the other with no real arc or consequences, for that matter. Why is that? Simply put, someone thought it was a good idea to try to turn an episodic, very slice of life-y light-horror manga into a more traditional, more plot-driven battle shounen. From what Ive heard, it was apparently largely because of network interference or something, but the point is, it changed directions incredibly drastically with little planning and everyone knows this and I can understand that for the most part.

In RWBY we have the character of Blake Belladonna, who, in the first 3 volumes/seasons atleast, was this aloof, more toned down loner-type character with a pretty strong sense of justice. She's an in-universe marginilized racial minority and she clearly cares about racial injustice. The way its initially framed makes it seem like she had a very hard life and no stable support system, which is what eventually pushed her to join a Civil Rights group/Terrorist organization (good god, the Faunus subplot is so awful, I could write a whole essay about it but Im already de-railing rn so I'll just save that for later).

Then, in volumes 4-5 it turns out her father is actually like, the mayor or chief of this island-place called Menagerie and she grew up in this big mansion with multiple guards/servants. Oh and also, apparently "space is a commodity" on there, so theres that. She still retains large parts of her personality but she's kinda like, worse somehow I think. I cant really describe it in a meaningful way but I hope you get what Im saying anyway. Then in Volume 6 she confronted her emotional abuser Adam (sorry for not mentioning him sooner but yeah, he was like, her abusive boyfriend, which is something that a lot of people disagree with but I wont really say anything about it either way because I dont really feel any specific way) with her friend, Yang, and ended up killing him.

After all that, she pretty much lost the rest of her personality, as well as her arc about all the Faunus stuff. She just kinda became the meek, generically nice, recovering abuse victim. Why? Well, the actual reason is that they didnt plan out shit and are just kinda flying by the seat of their oversized clown-pants and if they and the fandom just admitted it, I would have less of an issue. I still wouldnt be as forgiving towards RWBY as I am towards YGO because the crux of the issue, for me, is just that I dont particulary like RWBY but also like. Do you really expect me to take MKEK seriously as writers after admitting to not have a timeline because iT wOuLd CaUsE pLoThOlEs?

However, since they want us to believe that everything was planned out from the beginning, the explaination would be.... Idk, they deliberately butchered one of their main characters?? Because.. they hate her?? Maybe????

So yeah, that was quite a detour however, I would like you to keep this mind going forward.

2. Themes of the Early Series'

First, what do mean by 'Early Series' for both of these shows respectively? Well, for YGO that would have to be Season 0 or if youre reading the manga, everything pre-Duelist Kingdom. Basically, the part of the series thats a episodic, very slice of life-y light-horror series.

For RWBY that would be the first three Volumes, also known as the Poser-Era. Back then it was just kinda an action series that took place at Anime Warrior Academy (also known as Beacon) with some pretty bare minimum worldbuilding, character-driven plots and developments but now its more of an epic high-fantasy story with more of an emphasis on plot as opposed to just action.

The themes and messages in Early YGO are kinda vague, very confusing to me and if you were to follow any of it literally that would be pretty bad. For now Im just gonna say the main themes are Friendship and Identity and mostly focus on the Identity aspect.

Now, it took me a little while to figure out RWBYs deal but I think the main themes for Volumes 1-3 are also Friendship and Heroism. Once again, I'll mostly focus on Heroism and touch on Friendship more briefly later.

I dont have much more to add to YGOs themes right now, so I'll briefly go over Heroism in RWBY.

In RWBYs setting there are these man-eating monsters called Grimm that have basically infected the planet. In order to deal with that, they have people called huntsmen and huntresses that kill them and protect people. Theyre trained at special academies like Beacon and go on missions there and stuff like that. Our four main characters, Ruby, Weiss, Blake and Yang, are training to become huntresses and one day they go on this mission to clean up a grimm infested city block with one of their teachers. Obviously, that takes a long time so they have to camp out in one of the empty houses. Weiss, Blake and Yang cant sleep because theyve been thinking about this question that their teacher asked them when they were fighting grimm: "Why do you want to become a huntress?"

They have a heart to heart and we find out about their motivations; Weiss wants to bring honour back to her family, Blake want to distance herself from the White Fang (that terrorist organization I mentioned earlier) and as an extension from Adam, Yang wants to have a life of adventure. They also talk about why Ruby wants to be a huntress and it turns out that she judt wants to help people. Unlike the others, she has no motivation besides that. We're meant to listen to that and look at her as a sort-of personification of Heroism: kind, but not naive, strong and most of all, selfless. The others on her team are not portayed as bad for not being like Ruby by any means but we are clearly meant to admire her the most out of all of them.

Okay, now comes the part Ive been looking forward to the most:

3. How did these themes evolve in the Modern Series'?

Alright, before we can really delve into the way they evolved in YGO I'll have to give you a brief summary of the character progression. At the start of DM, during the Duelist Kingdom arc, Yami Yuugi is just that; A darker Yuugi. Hes more confident, bolder, his voice is deeper, hes somehow taller, more ruthless, all that good stuff. Notably, he doesnt actually seem more skilled than Yuugi even at the start of this story, but he's still dependent on Yami. Yami on the other hand, has no identity of his own or even hints at one at this point. He's just The Other Yuugi.

Then during the Battle City arc, they find out that Yami was actually a pharao prior to being sealed in the puzzle, he just didnt know because of amnesia, I guess. So now they need to find out his real name and then send him to the afterlife because hes meant to be dead, but not before saving the world from being swallowed by darkness, which is also a thing they have to do now.

Then we finally get to the Memory World arc, where Yami, Yuugi and the rest of the gang astralproject to ancient egypt via puzzle magic. Yami is trying to figure out what the hell is going on and who all these familiar people are, while Yuugi & Co are trying their best to help him. Then some weird shit happens and it turns out that all of that is not just Yamis sealed away memories, but also a giant D&D Shadow Game that will destroy the world if Yami loses. So now theres Pharao!Yami who is still clueless on the metaphorical and literal playing field and Player!Yami, who is kinda controlling himself now? I guess?? Yamis opponent, The Spirit of The Ring, has something similar to that going on where hes both controlling and properly participating in the game. So Player!Yami is now fighting against Player!TSoTR, Pharao!Yami is now fighting against Thief King Bakura (who is like, the human, ancient egyptian version of the Ring Spirit) and Yuugi is now fighting against Yami Bakura (who is like, the human, modern japanese version of the Ring Spirit). Yuugi gets Yamis real name, he and the gang go over to Pharao!Yami and tell him his name, meanwhile Player!Yami is also somehow helping as well and they defeat the Ring Spirit, thus saving the world. Then they travel to modern Egypt, the Ceremonial Duel happens and Yuugi wins, sending Yami to the Afterlife where he can finally rest and that was the series!

I originally wanted to recount the stuff that was going on with the Ring Spirit and his host as well because they parallel eachother, but this summary is already far too long and I think youll get the point without me needing to explain any more.

My point here is, that the story went from being vaguely about Identity, maybe? to being very clearly about Self-Discovery and Learning to Be Independent. I think this is a very good way to evolve the messaging of your story. How does RWBY track on that?

Well, uh... its not great. I will acknowledge that they have tried to introduce new themes and ideas since, even though I wont really be talking about them in this post. But yeah, the whole Heroism thing really regressed.

Like, I didnt explicitly say it when I was explaining grimm earlier, but theyre not going away. The grimm have always been there and people who sign up to become huntsmen and huntresses are effectively signing up for a job that will never truly be done, no matter what they do. Characters like Ruby and even more minor ones like Phyrrah have shown us that that doesnt matter when youre a hero. No life isnt worth saving, no grimm isnt worth killing, no criminal isnt worth arresting. Then, in volume 6 they find out about Salem. Salem is the Big Bad of the show, shes immortal, controls the grimm and is supposed to be very powerful.

What do our heroes do? They give up. Sike! They were just mindcontrolled by monsters or some shit, of course they didnt give up their mission (which is to bring an Important Macguffin to a city called Atlas, sorry I didnt mention it)!

But then they arrive in Atlas (which is llike, a city thats floating over another city called Mantle) and yknow, they do some plot stuff thats not really important right now until the city gets invaded by Salem and this big grimm army she has.

What do our heroes do? Well, Ruby, Weiss, Blake and some side characters are chilling, drinking tea in a mansion and Yang and the B Team were actually trying to do something, but even those efforts seem incredibly minimal.

Oh wait, I also forgot to mention that Ironwood (a fairly minor, vaguely antagonistic character up until now) wanted to lift Atlas even higher to save Atleasian civilians from danger while leaving Mantle vulnerable to Salems invasion.

What would be the most heroic thing to do?

A) Let Ironwood lift Atlas, get as much support as they can down to Mantle and save as many Mantle civilians as they can from the invasion

B) Prevent Ironwood from lifting Atlas but then split up in order to protect both Atlas and Mantle civilians

C) Prevent Ironwood from lifting Atlas and then dont do anything else

Congrats! If you choose C, you think exactly like the writers!

And I just

This is so mindboggling to me, I feel like I shouldnt even have explain how this is bad. And like, it wouldve been so easy to actually make them seem herokc through their actions, to make it seem like they did try but no.

I have never seen a central theme be this botched, how in the world did they do that? Why did they think it was a good idea for Ruby "The Embodiment of Heroism" Rose to sit in a mansion doing nothing, no planning, no organizing just ..... God, how are they this bad? Like, this doesnt even have anything to do with it being planned in any way, this is just straight up incompetence

4. Very briefly touching on friendship

The friendship is awful and its not solely because they all have the same opinions. They barely interact with eachother outside their designated pairs which leads to it all feeling incredibly hollow. Theyre also practically indistingushable from one another now, which is a shame because it wasnt always like that. Like, I dont think the characters were that well-developed in earlier volumes but they were very well-characterized. But now we've gotten to a point where you can literally copy and paste one characters dialogue onto another and literally nothing changes, it really sucks.

5. Some closing words

Damn, this took way longer than I thought it would and now Im pretty exhausted. I have no idea how yall always write these but props to you! I feel like this ended up a bit rambly but overall, Im pretty proud.

Please let me know what you think of the points I brought up! Id also really appreciate some tips on how to get better at these longer posts because I am planning on writing more in the future (not the near future, probably but yknow).

Thats all I have to say for now, thanks for reading!

#rwde #rwby critism #anti mkek #yu gi oh #ygo duel monsters #yu gi oh analasis

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mayapenelopeclutterbucket · 4 years

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*SPOILERS* Thoughts I had while watching TGD 3x18 “Heartbreak” aka MY SHIP IS FUCKING SAILING HOLY SHIT OH MY GOD I CANNT BREATHE LIKE IM STILL FREAKING OUT AND DYING HERE THIS POST IS GONNA BE SO LONG OKAY IM SORRY NOT SORRY

Y’all I AM REAAAADy FOR TONIGHT and not that anybody cares probably but I am really sorry about not catching up on my motifs that clearly didn’t happen but just that depression has been getting to me and I’m definitely gonna go thru them because after tonight I’m just so pumped and excited and still can’t breathe and love and appreciate all yours guys constant support and I’m just v emotional rn okay I want to cry from happiness after tonight’s episode ending also plz forgive me 😩😩

-yessss the shaire friendship I have been needing all fucking season ITS. ABOUT. TIME.

-I am in love with dr. Claire Browne okay 😭😭 she’s too pure and I love her with all my heart

-melendaire looking like the power couple of the century every time they’re standing next to each other and I’m HERE FOR IT 👏🏼👏🏼

-ooof shaun is triggered by ilys being shared

-aww Morgan’s arthritis is getting worse ://

-and Morgan referring to Claire and shaun as their last names really??? Haven’t we progressed further then that

-also Glassy is pissing me off like shaun can have friends who want to help him out he doesn’t need to do everything on his own fuck off with this narrative

-Morgan is breaking my heart here I wonder if she will go to a different field of medicine

-Claire don’t be swayed by this cheater lmaoo why you gonna listen to his dumbass

-damn Claire calling shaun out and shaun doing the same to Claire

-wow I am loving all this talk about dating with melendaire around SUBTEXT AM I RIGHT SEASON 5 ENDGAME WE ARE COMIIIING

-sometimes I feel like I miss things tho typing all this while watching it live 😂 oh well I guess ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

-damn call him out Claire for interrupting you MY QUEEN everyone needs to bow before her tbh

-OH SHIT SHAUN CALLED MELENDEZ OUT FOR BEING “nice” TO CLAIRE 👀👀👀 but got called a jerk in reply lmaooo the ogs are being so chaotic this ep I love it

-the melendaire look exchanged after that tho POETIC CINEMA

-also yeah shaun friendship is a two way street support should be going both ways

-daaaamn Melendez getting jealous about dash OH HOLY SHIT I CANNOT CLAIRE SHARING EVERYTHING TO MELENDEZ AND MELENDEZ GETTING JEALOUS AND IS TRYING TO BE LIKE WTF I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU DIDNT LIKE ROMANTICS??? Questioning dash and their relationship but in a nice way okay before y’all haters come for my ship GOD BLESS 🙌🏼🙌🏼

-like I feel like the both know and aren’t saying anything but that they do have feelings for each other like there was so much left unsaid with this interaction

-and Melendez telling Claire if it’s the right guys don’t wait for the right time is this foreshadowing?!?! And Claire making a move on melendez even tho he’s still her boss???!!!!? AHHH IM SO FREAKIN EXCITED 😭😭

-WOW MELENDAIRE SCENES PRACTICALLY BACK TO BACK IM DEAAAAD even if it was just about work the 2nd time around lmao

-Claire looks so great I love seeing her in something other then work clothes

-oh my god noooo CLAIRE AND DASH KISSED 😭😭

-omg melendez was inspired and got his idea from Claire’s!!!! He’s so in love with her and they make each other better!!! She amazes him EVERY DAY

-woooow shaun is really projecting and being a little shit no wonder Melendez threatens him with no longer being his resident the way he said the shit in front of the patient “it’s one thing to be rude to your colleagues but your patients hell no”

-y’all we’re only 30 minutes in and already sooo much content ooof I’m almost on melendaire overload 😂 like my heart can’t handle it

-Melendez trying to give advice to shaun love it and boo your heart healed because of Claire just ADMIT IT

-HE ALSO JUST SAID HES MOVED ON FROM HIS TWO HEARTBREAKS GOD BLESS L*MLENDEZ IS FINISSSSSHED 🙌🏼🙌🏼

-Morgan looks likes she’s about to quit after lims speech

-Lmaooo that guys car just got REKT

-Noooo Morgan my bby she just dropped her bombshell about ra and is quitting 😩

-awww lim giving Morgan her “last chance” to shine and do surgery and stuff a 3rd year wouldn’t typically do my babies

-I’m sick of shaun being surprised about Claire having good ideas I know he’s been undermining everyone this ep but I will not allow any asshole behavior from anyone to my bby!!!

-Melendez just put his HEART OUT THERE and Claire looked shooook MELENDEZ LITERALLY TOLD HER SHE INSPIRES HIM AND MAKES HIM A BETTER DOCTOR AND PERSON WITH HER AROUND and remind hims of why he became a doctor 😭😭

-Morgan is officially doing the surgery to “fix” her hands

-shaun getting back out there WE LOVE TO SEE IT

-CLAIRE LOOKS SO UNSURE ABOUT DASH LIKE BREAK IT OFF FINALLY PLEAAAASE y’know you really love Melendez

-is she gonna go see her boo her Neil Melendez

-god damn it @jillrox202 was right 😂 shaun is about to smash lea’s car what the fuck or at least wanted too

-wow okay shaun went off and went waaaay to far

-wow wow Claire went to her therapist is she gonna admit the feelings she has about her boss?!!?

-HOLY FUCKING SHIT HOLY FUCKING SHIT CLAIRE JUST ADMITTED SHE IS IN LOVE WITH HER BOSS I CANT BREATH I CANNOT BREATHE OH MY GOD WHAT IVE BEEN WAITING FOOOOR ALL SEASON SINCE SEASON 1 EVEN HOLY SHIT

-IS CLAIRE GONNA TELL MELENDEZ THO AS HES TRAPPED IN THE EARTHQUAKE WOW HOLY SHIT THAT WOULD BE POETIC CINEMA I CANT IM STILL IM SHOCK THE GROUP CHAT IS STILL IN SHOCK

-like I have dreamt and hoped for this and waited for this day to fucking come and now that it has I can hardly believe it 😭😭😭

-y’all we have waited for this for so long and it doesn’t feel real!!!!!

-okay I cant like oh my god the excitement I feel I cant deal I really can’t

-CLAIRE BEING IN LOVE WITH MELENDEZ IS FUCKING CANON JESUS CHRIST

-y’all I’m gonna cry now that I’m finally processing it wow just fucking wow

-I just want to keep typing to show my disbelief but this post is already long enough and just think of hopeless we were in in season 2B and look where we are now!!!!

SEASON 5 ENDGAME IS A FUCKING GOOOO

#the good doctor #claire browne #neil melendez #tgd #melendaire #shaun murphy #audrey lim #lea dilallo #morgan reznick #alex park

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pink-caterina · 4 years

Text

The Cost of a Legacy (5)

Summary : He sees her and she’s the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen, everything perfect. Well except the fact that they’re growing up during the revolutionary war. Their love will hit many hurdles and what the future has in store may not be what they planned.

Pairing : John Laurens x Reader

Words : 2,102

July 1772

Dearest John,

I’m so sad to hear you won’t be coming to see me, but of course, I understand. It’s a very long distance from Charleston to Switzerland, the voyage is exhausting. Trust me. I miss you, my love, please next letter don’t be so vague. I wanna hear about work and your studies, on how your mother is or how your siblings are. I won’t lie John your letter upset me, I can tell you wrote it in a rush, your penmanship is usually much neater. I understand some times you might not have time to paint me your whole day, but I long to hear your thoughts. Daddy hasn’t written in a while, unfortunately. Anna, my helper tells me to stay positive but I fear he’s in trouble. He’s never been this distant with me, I don’t know I guess I’m feeling farther away from him every day. I miss you John, please write back soon.

Yours truly,

(Y/n) Fiore Gavalanch

August 1772

Dearest John, Are you well my love? It’s odd of you not to write me back. I’m worried sick John, after what you said in your letter about your mother, I fear the worst. I don’t want to assume something like that so please John explain to me what’s happening. Its times like this where I wish I was still in Manhattan, it’s still far from you but I’d take the ride to you right now if I could. I miss home, I miss you, John Laurens, I miss daddy, I miss Angelica and her sisters. John, I know its selfish but your letters make me feel normal like I’m still there with all of you. Please, John, write to me.

Yours truly, (Y/n) Fiore Gavalanch

August 1772

Dearest John, I’m just sending this incase my other letters you didn’t arrive. Maybe our lack of communication is just on hold for now. If that’s the case disregard my tone, I’m worried that is all. Be well, John.

Yours Truly (Y/n) Fiore Gavalanch.

September 1772

Dear John,

Its fall already, every one of my friends says they can’t believe I’ve been to Switzerland a year, how fast the times go. Not for me every night I pray to God that he puts me back in New York and every day I wake disappointed. The days only seem to drag, the same routine every day. Daddy hasn’t written to me but he has written Anna, she says the letter is private but that he wishes I be well. I don’t understand why he couldn’t have written that to me. My days are clouded with confusion now. You have yet to write to me and I might know why I wrote my dear friend Angelica and she says she saw you in Manhattan the other day. So great, at least I know your alive and kicking. Angelica writes that I should be angry at you, for obvious reasons, but she has another claim. She states when she saw you, you were accompanied by a woman. She says she wasnt near the age of any of your sisters, I want a clear response. If your even willing to give me one. I want you to write to me and explain what’s happening, are we done? If you no longer want me John tell me. I’m sick of feeling so helpless. I’ve tried to defend you, maybe something came up with your mother, maybe your busy with studies or your father’s company. But if you’re able to lounge around New York then you’re able to send me a letter with a quick response. Please, Im driving myself mad. My mother, my father, now you? It’s too much abandonment John, so for my birthday this month please write me something, anything. I’ve never asked for anything on my birthday, so grant me this John. An answer, I can forgive you, John, If you still want to continue this.

Truly

(Y/n) Fiore Gavalanch

October 1772

“James, wheres John?” Henry had been searching for his older brother all morning, since their mother passed John hadn’t been the same. He avoided his father and siblings opting to only spend time with Martha. Matha had been staying with them since the funeral, her father still in London funding her visit. He knew John was basically using Martha as a way of coping but it wasn’t right, at least is Henry’s mind it wasnt. Especially when John knew that Martha would do anything for him, and he’d do nothing for her.

“He and Martha went out for an early horse ride, again. And he didn’t say goodbye, again.” He frowned putting his book down, “When is John going to be normal again? It’s like I see him and he’s there, but I feel like he’s gone with Momma.” Henry sighed patting his brother, “Don’t worry little man, I’ll bring John back.” He made his way out, sitting on their porch waiting for the couple to return. He grabbed the mail in the meanwhile.

There it was as he suspected, a letter from (Y/n) Fiore Gavalanch. He knew John was really messed up when he stopped writing (Y/n) back, she had written him many times, probably confused why her John was avoiding her. His brother hadn’t sent anything to Switzerland since July. Even though Henry didn’t like her much he did sympathize with her.

He knew his brother hadn’t forgotten about her too because every time he presented him with a new letter John would take the letter to his room and stay locked in all night. One night Henry passed his room and heard sobs from his brother, from her letters he assumed.

He sat there waiting till he saw his brother riding back into their barn. Henry made his way over letters in hand, “Good morning Henry! Sorry we left before any of you were awake, John wanted an early start. Right darling?” Martha dismounted her horse gracefully turning to John who simply nodded. “No worries Martha, I have a letter from your father if you liked to read it.” She squealed, “Yes thank you, Henry! John, I’ll be in my quarters if you need me.” She pressed a kiss to his cheek handing him the reins of her horse, strolling away.

“What do you have there?” John asked still not looking at his brother, as he put his horses back. “Oh, you know the usual, a letter from that poor girl your torturing in Switzerland.” He handed the letter to him, John tucking it into his vest. “When are you going to write this girl back? She’s probably worried sick about you, John it’s cruel.”

“I will soon, I just don’t know what to say to her.” Henry sighed “How about, hey (Y/n) remember how I said Id court you and write you because I cared for you so much? Well, guess what I’m courting someone new and don’t care for you anymore.”

“I do care about her and I’m not courting Martha, were friends that’s it.” Henry scoffed, “Well ‘darling’ Martha thinks she’s getting courted and (Y/n) is probably being courted by some Swedish guy who actually gives her the time of day.” He walked away, annoyed with his brother’s behavior.

(Y/n) wouldn’t do that to him, right? But Henry had a point he was basically doing that to her but with Martha. He hadnt meant for things to go this far with Martha, sure he hadnt kissed her but keeping her here for this long was definitely giving her the wrong message. He made his way out of the barn and up to his room, making sure to lock it.

Once in his room be pulled out a box under his bed, they’re wrapped in (Y/n)’s ribbon were all her letter. He sat as his desk and pulled out the new one, beginning to read it.

End of September 1772

Dear John Laurens,

I am now 15, you are about to be 18. Happy birthday John. If you were curious to know I spent my birthday with Anna alone. I hoped you’d bless me with a letter but no surprise you’ve disappointed me again. I wanted to take the time to tell you our courtship is over, though for you it might have been over long ago. I will cherish our childhood memories well, and when I’m old I’ll think back and smile. For now, I’ll force a smile until someone comes around and changes that. Thank you, John, for everything, you truly changed my life. It goes without saying that this will be my last letter to you. I hope you have a prosperous career and hey maybe that dream you had about your all-black regiment will come true. Never give that up John, you’re destined for greatness, I know it. I don’t want this part to sound bitter but find a good wife John, someone whose smile lights up your world. Have those 7 kids you want, which I still think is a crazy number. I wish you the best John, I’m sending your necklace with this letter. I assume you’d want it back, and I can’t keep it if I’m not yours anymore. The next girl will adore it, John. Best of luck to you, old friend.

Sincerely (Y/n) Fiore Gavalanch

He sighed wiping the tears forming in his eyes, he should have seen this coming. He took the envelope and pulled out her necklace, his hands shook as he placed the necklace in her box. He understood leaving (Y/n) in the dark for so long was wrong, but he wanted to see if he could make his mother happy. He tried to love Martha, god that was all he was doing for the past 4 months, putting all his time and energy into getting himself to like her. It wasnt fair to either of them, he knew that with (Y/n) if had written her back he knew he wouldn’t have been able to focus on Martha. Martha was everything his mother wanted for him and he was trying to please his mother. The pain he was experiencing now from losing (Y/n) was it worth it? He abandon a girl who knows the feeling too well.

She couldn’t control her mother dying so she grew up with no female guidance. Her father did what he thought was right and left her alone in a foreign country at such a young age. And now he who promised to wait for her and court her dropped off the face of her world.

A knock at the door pulled him from his thoughts, he wiped his tears and placed the box under his bed. He opened the door to see a sad Martha, “John my father wants me back in London, he states it super important. I’m sorry to leave you now, I can see you’re still hurting from your mother’s passing.” She pointed out the tear stains on his face. He nodded, grateful she was leaving.

He needed time to think about him, he obviously wasnt getting anywhere with Martha. Apparently forcing yourself to like someone doesn't work. “Its alright Martha, safe travels.”

“Well, I’ll come back as soon as I can John. I don’t want to leave you for too long especially considering our situation. Hopefully, I’ll see you soon, Johnny.” She once again kissed his cheek and then left to pack her things. Gosh, he definitely needed to clear things up, at least she was leaving though, breaking the news through a letter seemed better than doing it in person.

---

“Boys! John, Henry, James! Come down here.”

“What is it, father?” Henry asked when they were all in front of their father. “Boys were going to be rich! The business is soaring boys!” They clapped, “Congrdualtions father.” John said.

“Well boys with the business going so good, we’ve got to dedicate ourselves to it. So we’re moving to London! Mr. Mannings has got a house all set for us, so you guys will learn and study there. The girls will, unfortunately, have to stay here with your aunt. But us Laurens Men are going to thrive in London, what do you say boys?” Henry and James celebrated with their father, eager to get to London.

London, way to close to Martha, far from the colonies, where the action was happening. Hed leave his sisters and best friend behind but he'd be closer to (Y/n). Maybe he could make his way to Switzerland one weekend and apologize to her. Yes, that’s what he do, go get his girl back.

...

Not edited, enjoy

#alexander hamilton #angelica schuyler #eliza schuyler #hamilton #lafayatte #peggy schuyler #aaron burr #john laurens x reader #reader insert #fanfic

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aria-laughs · 3 years

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Real talk..(needed to vent, feel free to not read this if you don't like long rants)

When i was 11 years old i had already been through my fair share of crap. Coming from a "broken" home with little money, a depressed mother and an absent father. At that time i remember being bullied as a biproduct of my sister stoping one of her classmates (a 13 year old girl) from traveling half accross the contry to meet her 19 year old boyfriend who she'd met online for the first time.. under the pretence that she was traveling to visit my dad with my big sister. This all ended with the police stoping the train and picking the girl up before she reached her destination and everyone didn't have to suffer through the ordeal with a minor being raped or worse by a yound adult in a strange city..anyway. when the summer ended and we (me and my two siblings) gor back home, all these rumors spread about us and school became tricky. I got used to it tho, i had my friends and i quickly learned to keep close to teachers whenever i was alone. At the home front my mom became sick and the kids got a lot of grown up responsibilities. It was okay too.. kids get used to a lot, and today im a wizz in the kitchen and i clean with the best of them.

My mother had a temper, and would hit us when we did something wrong. I remember trying to cover for my siblings as much as possible, trying to shield them from the worst of it. Don't get me wrong, i LOVE my mother. She's been through hell and her sroty is worse than anything i've ever heard of. I understand what happened when i grew up and i love her because she allways did her best.. but i haven't forgiven her for making my home unsafe. At 11 years old one of my teachets notised that i had a hard time with my schoolwork. They couldn't get me to focus on my work and i was distracted by anything. I remember the letters mixing up as i read, and it became impossible to do my homework because no one could see the letters moving like i could. The teached contacted my mom and my stepfather and told them he'd talk to a specialist about me maybe having ADHD. The next week my mom dropped me off at the specialist and i got tested in every subject known to man. As usuall i exelled at language, history and music. But everything else was a bit off, i remember hearing him telling my mom that it couldn't be HDHD because my memory was too good. But refered her to a doctor for more tests. The ordeal took another week before my mother came to pick me up at lunch one day and told me we had to go to the hospital.

I had a thyroid condition that firsly was almost non-exsistent, and secoundly was unheard of in someone my age. They took blood, and sent me to get an MR and CT. When all the tests came back, we got the good news that i wouldn't die if they treated it quickly. But since i was still waiting for normal bodyparts to arrive, and hadn't gone through puberty yet.. he had no idea where to start. I don't remember the name of the medication, but i remember taking 15 a day. 5 in the morning, 5 when i got home from school and 5 before bed. I took them and 39 minutes later i was sprinting to the bathroom puking my guts out. This obviously didn't work in the long run and by the end of it i was so skinny you could see my teeth through my cheeks. They changed my meds and i stopped with the hurling. Instead i gained about 30 kg in the first 6 months and looked like a beach ball on legs. And as a kid being bullied, this wasn't that fun. Let me remind you that this had been going on for a while and tho my mom did what she could.. the was depressed and didn't see how bad it got for me and all the responsibilities i had at home made me dissapear in the day-to-day of it all. Alone and scared as the bullying became physical I panicked and stoped taking my meds, and all my symptoms came back. I would sleep for 14 hours and wake up exhausted. I'd go full days without getting hungry and i'd get moodswings and get real clumsy. My family got used to this and the symptoms stoped being symptoms and started being "just me".

So now i'd wake up and have to care for my siblings, go to school without lunch for myself because i had to make it for my siblings, or forgetting to shower because i had to remind my brother to do it. I get off the buss and get my ass kicked on my way to the classroom. Some days i'd get through it and come home to start dinner for my family, and other times the bullying sent me to the ER to get stitched up (i didn't have to make dinner on those days). This happened often enough that the doctor knew me by my first name, and instead of "how did you hurt yourself?) I'd get "Again!? When the nurses came to get me. One day i slept for 16 hours and my mother confronted me about my weightloss and asked if i'd been taking my meds. I came clean and a few hours at the doctors office and one frustrating car ride later. I'd promissed to take my pills again, but by that point i had ruined my body enough to never get better. So at 15 years old the doctors decided that they'd treat my thyroid with radioactive iodine. This worked great and killed the thyroid gland, making me dependend on meds for the rest of my life.

For anyone who don't know, the thyroid gland is responsible for your bodys metabolism. This means everything... your metabolism is a part of every funktion of every organ in your entire body, tho we usually think about how fast you burn fat because this is what we see on the outside.

We did our best, and we got through it. I had a safe place with my best friend and his family. And i'd escape there as often as i could. His mother would remind me to take my meds, she'd let me shower at their place and when she realised that i never ate at school she started packing lunch for me to send with her son every day.

I don't think i'd survive and be the person i am today without them. I remember the day i finally told them what was going on at home when i grew up, at this point i had grown up and moved away from home. I had started opening up to people i trusted and understood the power of talking about my problems. i never ment it as a "why didn't you see".. im thankful for my life, even the bad pars, but i needed them to know how much they saved me. To understand how much i love them all. I'll keep their reactions to myself, but i'll tell you that i have never felt more treasured in my life.

I was 22 years old the first time someone told me that I never deserved the abuse at home. I was 25 years old when i told my mother i forgave her for the physical stuff, but that i couldn't forgive her for stealing my feeling of home and safety. And i was today years old when i wrote it down for anyone to see.

I've been taking my meds for about 17 years now, but I have yet to actually get a normal metabolism. My last stunt was that i suddenly didn't need that much medicine so my metabolism speed up to lifethreatening speed and i had to endure panic attacks, dizziness, lack of consentration and shaking so bad that i almost quit school and almost sent me into a brainfailure (yes thats a thing) over the summer. My doctors paniced and reduced my meds so much that i didn't get nearly enough. This ended with me loosing weight, not eating, shaking, being sick and passing out all over the place, and almost sent me into a life threatening coma as my body overcompensated for the loss of thyroid hormones. My dad said something i've never heard my family say before. We were eating dinner last weekend and i was having a bad day when he told me "its painful to watch you struggle like this". And i almost cried, this was the first time in forever that a parent told me that they see me. And now i'm finally starting to get back to where im used to.

I have skipped a lot of stuff that happened. Some things i don't think i'll ever talk about, and some things that are too personal or too painful or too stupid to write down. But i needed to work through the new stuff, to reflecr back and to realise how close i came to loosing my life again this year. How lucky i am that i not only held on for dear life, but that with all the crap i felt. All the sickness and panic and everything. I managed to finish this semester at school. I managed to survive again, and im 6 months away from reaching my goal of allways being able to help when im needed. I am so proud of myself for getting to where i am today. And im so thankful!!

#my story #its a long one #im strong #i smile #student #nurselife #im okay

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whyamistill-writingpages · 4 years

Text

Lover First Impressions

Okay, so. a little late, I know. Believe me, I listened to Lover as soon as it came out like everyone else. And as I listened to it for the first time, without anyone else’s input or opinions or impressions, I recorded my thoughts.

I took a break from tumblr and social media for my mental health and to focus on my life and lately I’ve been more twitter/instagram. But I thought @taylorswift would get a kick out of my reactions (and the rest of you) so I thought I’d finally post!

1. I Forgot That You Existed

· OH MY GOD HER VOICE

· I love the beat!

· The way she says “indifference”

· SHE LAUGHED

· The chorus may not be my *most* favorite part, but honestly I love her voice and the verses are AMAZING and she laughs like three times!

· Conclusion: I love. Probably not my fave, we’ll see, but I love

2. Cruel Summer

· Oh my god WHAT IS THIS

· SO GOOD

· IT’S SO GOOD

· The beat plus her voice plus oh my god

· Devils roll the dice angels roll their eyes

· Said I’m fine but it wasn’t true. I don’t want to keep secrets just to keep you

3. Lover (trying to remember first impressions)

· Okay so nice, interesting beat

· Probably not my favorite, but it’s good

· Oh my god the way she SINGS

· Okay so I love it

4. The Man

· IT’S SO GOOD

· Oh my GOD

· I’m so sick of running as fast as I CAN wondering if I’d get there faster if I was a MAN

· The bEAT

· It’s all good if you’re bad it’s all good if you’re mad

· Okay I love it like a lot

5. The Archer (trying to remember)

· Hmm what am I hearing? OH MY GOD IS THAT BATTLE??? *crying, screaming* OH no it’s just a false taylor account

· Okay so not battle

· Interesting though

· OH MY GOD THE ROOM IS ON FIRE INVISIBLE SMOKE I’M CRYING

· THIS IS ANXIETY

· I LOVE

6. I Think He Knows

· I love the beat, reminds me of a song I can’t remember

· I LOVE THE WAY THIS SOUNDS

· THE DETAILS

· OH MY GOD

· IT’S LIKE I’M SEVENTEEN

· THAT AHHHHH

· I LOVE THIS SO MUCH

· SKIPPING DOWN SIXTEENTH AVENUE

· I’M SCREAMING THE BRIDGE

· OH MY GOD

· IT’S SO GOOD

7. Miss Americana and the Heartbreak Prince

· Interesting sound

· Definitely a shift from the last one

· I LOVE HER VOICE

· Marching band playiiiiing

· Ripped up my prom dress??? I ran for my life????

· I counted days? I counted miles?

· THIS IS SO GOOD

· The whole school is rolling dice !!!!!!

· I’M SCREAMING OH MY GOD

· IT’S SO SAD WE PAINT THE TOWN BLUE

· MY TEAM IS LOSING

· I SEE THE HIGH FIVES BETWEEN THE BAD GUYS

· THE LYRICS

· OH MY FUCKING GOD HOWWWWWW

· OH-KAY! LIKE A CHEERLEADER OH MY GOD

· THE CHEERLEADER SOUNDS OH MY GOD AGAINST HER

· Violins?????

· I JUST GOT CHILLS

· This is so creative and different oh my god this is so COOL

8. Paper Rings

· INTERESTING SOUND

· I love her voice

· I went home and stalked you on the internet lmaoooooo

· Little bit creepy lol

· ID MARRY YOU WITH PAPER RINGS

· This is such a throwback sound

· Standing here so TALL

· Kiss you twice cause it’s gonna be alright

· This reminds me of eighties pop tbh

· IN ALL MY DREAMS YOU’RE THE ONE I WANT AHHHHHHHOHHHHH

· This’ll be fun on tour for suuuuure

9. Cornelia Street

· Well definitely different than the rest of the album so far I think

· That echoing sound is so interesting

· Filling in the blanks as we go

· This is so nice

· Very soothing sounding

· And baby

· This chorus gives me CHILLLLSSSSS

· Her voice on AGAIN oh my GOD

· Sat on the roof like king of my heart???? I’M SCREAMING AHHHHH

· I hope I never lose you in the bridge???? That AGAIN???? ATTACK ME WHAT I COULD CRY

· This city screams your name

· The sound of the car door at the end???? Oh my GOD

10. Death By A Thousand Cuts

· Huhhhh

· What is this beginning sound?

· This is so DIFFERENT

· I love her VOICE IN THIS

· The SOUNDS in this SONG

· I ask the traffic lights if it’ll be alright?????

· Is this more detail to CIWYW??

· IF THE STORY’S OVER WHY AM I STILL WRITING PAGES

· THIS BRIDGE UHHHHHHH

· Okay oh my GOD I love that

11. London Boy

· HE’S TALKING AT THE BEGINNING????

· THIS BEAT

· WHAT

· HER VOICE

· THE CHORUS

· I FANCY YOUUUUUU

· MY AMERICAN SMILE

· I GUESS ALL THE RUMORS ARE TRUE

· THIS BRIDGE THE WAY SHE SINGS IT

· The way she calls Stella a queen awwwww

12. Soon You’ll Get Better

· Ooohhh this guitar

· OH MY GOD IM GONNA CRY

· Desperate people find faith

· SOON YOU’LL GET BETTER

· Cause you have to

· I just pretend it isn’t REAL

· OH MY GOD

· I love this old taylor country sound

· WHO AM I SUPPOSED TO TALK TO

· OK I’M CRYING

· HER VOICE KEEPS ALMOST BREAKING

13. False God

· This is a weird sound

· Huhhhh

· I really love her voice in this

· For some reason I’m getting jazzy vibes

· I can’t talk to you when I’m like this! Like the ME! Video

· Blind FAITH

· I’m not sure if this is a happy song or not tbh

· It sounds like both sad and strained and yet like it could be happy? Idk?

· This needs a relisten to understand for sure

· This lo-o-o-ve

· All the way she sings love like OKAY

14. You Need to Calm Down (trying to remember my initial reaction)

· Interesting beat

· And I’m just like DAMN it’s seven AM!

· AND SNAKES AND STONES NEVER BROOKE MY BOOOOONES LIKE OOOOHHHHOOOHHHOHHHH

· YOU NEED TO CALM DOWN

· AHHHHH GOODDDDD

· AND SHADE NEVER MADE ANYBODY LESS GAYYYYYY SOOOOOOOOOO

· A Very Good Song

15. Afterglow

· Is that like stomping?

· This is such an interesting sound

· OOHHH

· Boxing with NO GLOVES

· This is really good

· But it makes you look like the bad guy, Taylor

· Ooooohhhhh

· Its all ME in my HEAD

· The way it sounds at the END OHHHHH

16. ME! (can’t remember a lot)

· Ohhh her voice! I LOVE IT

· This is FUN

· I know that I’m a handful baby UH!

· And you can’t spell AWESOME without ME

17. It’s Nice to Have a Friend

· Huh

· This sounds interesting

· What instrument am I hearing?

· Another school metaphor

· I love the cadence

· I really love this it’s so interestinggggg

· A HORN????

· I love the sounds in this song

18. Daylight

· Hmmm right in with words

· Ohhh her voiiiiiice I can’t get over it in this album

· I’ll tell you the truth but never GOODBYE

· NOW I SEE DAYLIGHT

· THIS SECOND VERSE AFTER THE CHORUS AHHHHH

· This is so varied

· I love the way she sings daylight ahhhhhh

· SHE’S TALKING?????

Okay so I hope yall had fun reading that lmaoooo those were my honest reactions. Even though I’m late to the party forgive me :)

#taylor swift #taylor nation #swiftie #lover #reaction #yes i listened on the 23rd #no im not lying #i literally have it in my car ok #yes paper rings sounded creepy tbh i couldn't hear all the words #miss americana immediate number 1 #now its lover/cruel summer #they were all so different though #but i still loooooooveeed the album

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jayyrayy90 · 4 years

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I'm so angry and disappointed. I'm so frustrated with my own self too bc no matter how hard I try I can't even force myself to hate you. I have numerous reasons to hate u but I can't. I guess I'll never be able to.

What's so fucked up to me is how you can just erase me like I'm nobody to you. How you can flip a switch in your brain and I've suddenly become your enemy. How you so easily can make so many promises to me, how you can look me right in my eyes and lie to my face so easily, and how you act like you've done absolutely nothing to me or act as if the things you done were something insignificant and dumb and I'm just being overdramatic about them. Like the shit you did shouldn't matter just bc of shit i did 5 years ago or simply bc u hated me so those things were justified.

To this very day you have no respect for me and treat me as if i meant absolutely nothing to u. I don't think you will ever understand how bad that hurts me Jasmine. You, of all people in this entire world, broke me down piece by tiny piece until there was nothing left of me. You drained me of my last bit of sanity, hope for love, and I will never let another human being get close to me again as long as I'm here on this earth. You took all of that away from me so effortlessly, carelessly, and easily. I never meant anything to you and I wish like hell I knew exactly what made u hate me so much that you'd even consider doing the things you've done to me.

In some sick and cruel way, I believe u got some kind of enjoyment out of watching me fall apart. You enjoyed knowing you could go do whatever you want and come back to me whenever you got ready bc like a dummy I'd always be there waiting. I was so stupid and foolish to even think any of your promises were sincere. What made me look even dumber was the fact that I believed you and in you. I had faith in you. I was so gullible and blinded to believe that the person you used to be was still somewhere inside of you. That loving, honest, sincere, faithful, and LOYAL person u used to be had been dead and gone years ago and you kept showing/proving that to me. Yet i kept fighting to bring her back. I kept praying, hoping, and wishing that someday I'd get my baby lovey bear back. I failed to even try and believe the things you were so effortlessly trying to tell me with your actions. You've been trying to tell me that you didn't love me anymore for so many years. I was trying so hard to be/say/do everything you wanted just to make you love me. I pushed the things you were doing to me so far in the back of my mind that i allowed myself to become blinded. I just kept telling myself that you were lost and didn't know what u were doing at the time, every time I would think about the things you did.

Truth is, you knew exactly what you were doing. You knew exactly what risks u were taking. U knew exactly what u were jeopardizing. You knew. Yet you still did it anyway. You didn't care and still don't about what happens to me or my life. You have no idea the amount of pain that causes me. Its honestly like I'm loving the shadow of a person who never existed.

The way you left me, I would've never left you like that, even if i did hate you. All those years we spent together and you just leave me like that knowing I was broke. I would've never in a million years plus some, NEVER left you like that. I would've bet my entire life that you wouldn't have ever done that to me.

When you came back in my life, the one thing you would always say was, "The way I left you last time was fucked up and I know it. I got my karma. I'd never leave you like that again." Something similar to that anyway. But guess what, you left me even worse than you did the first time Jasmine. And u don't even care. How can you not even care?!! I have no words to even describe the pain. Words couldn't even come close..

In the beginning i wasn't much of the person I should have been. I had issues and addictions. I wasnt really worth your time. I put you through hell and for that I will forever be sorry. If im being honest you terrified me, no one had ever saw me the way you did. No one had ever wanted me the way you did. No one had ever made me feel the way you did. I had walls that had always kept me safe and kept me braced from the world but you... you somehow made them fall over time with your undying love for me, even when i was awful. You saw me through the worst times of my life. If not for you i wouldnt be here today. you saved me.

To me, we had a beautiful bond and an amazing love. You were everything i ever wanted and i couldn't believe you were mine. Maybe looking back that is where the trouble started...I had such guilt for who i was and how i treated you at the start and i felt so lucky to have you that i started to compromise on the things that were fundamental to me. I started to give way more then i received and i started to let you think things were okay that honestly weren't. I let you start to walk all over me and looking back maybe if i had stood up for myself then, instead of just feeling like i owed it to you for sticking with me then maybe things would be different today..

I stood by you, i did any and everything for you. I let you take out your anger on me. I would pretend to sleep until i knew you were asleep so i could just make sure you were okay. I was watching you hurt in a way i couldnt fix. I didnt know how to help, so i decided to just be everything and anything you needed. I put my entire life aside and made you my priority, my world. I dont regret it, you needed me and i was there without question.

This is where it started to go downwhill, you were changing into someone i didnt even recognize and the worst part is you couldn't even help it. Our life had become one full of fights and make ups only to fight again shortly after. You were pushing me away and i didnt know why. I dont even think you knew why, so i took all the hateful words, the poor treatment, the lack of time invested and the lack of love being shown and made it into excuses for you because of what you were dealing with. Looking back i dont think this helped you the way i thought it did. It taught you that i was always going to take it. I was going to let you walk all over me and i was going to apologize when i didnt do anything wrong simply to avoid a fight. It didnt help, you left me in such an agonizing way. i was shattered, my entire life had just fallen apart and i was lost. You were my world and you were just gone!!

I was your friend. I was your family. I was your lover. You are a person that could have been any number of things to me. Heartbreak plays no favorites when it chooses people in life to let you down. I really always had faith in you. I trusted you and the promises that you made to me. I believed in your aspirations and disregarded your ambiguity. I let you in, against my best wishes. I relentlessly defended you. I saw the beautiful parts of who you were. I made plans with you and kept them in my head like a guaranteed magnificent destination. I loved you. I gave you all that I had and now I am left feeling empty and cheated. But do you know what the strangest and most unbelievably frustrating part of all of this is? I forgive you.

Your betrayal shook my foundation. Not just the foundation of us, but the foundation of everything I thought. All that I believed about love was up in the air. I wasn’t sure about anything. It wasn’t just about you. I was now questioning everything.

The truth is, you didn't really love me. Maybe you loved the idea of me. Maybe you loved having me around because I would have done anything for you, but if you really loved me, you wouldn't have destroyed me the way you did. That's not love.

I loved you so much that I lost sight in everything else, especially myself. I glued myself to you so tightly because I was so terrified of losing you. Lets be honest though, you were never really mine to lose, were you?

You always treated me so coldly, and I couldn't ever understand why when all I ever did was love you. Sometimes the harsh words you used still stay inside of my head.

I was never good enough, or at least that is how you would treat me. I was always wrong, I was the crazy one after the break up, it was never you. It was always me. You were poison to my heart, and I wanted so badly to save you, but I couldn't. You destroyed me mentally and emotionally to the point where I can’t even feel emotions anymore. To the point where I am literally completely numb to feeling anything or having real true emotions towards anyone or anything.

When I met you, I knew. I knew in some way, shape, or form, you would hold incredible significance to my life. I knew you were going to be a constant. I knew you would change me.

Yes, we had our disagreements, but we always made our way back to each other. I always felt you in my heart, there was nothing you could do to make me that upset for long. I already needed you. I knew, the second I held you close to me, I knew, that this was it for me. You were it. All I wanted, and all I would ever need.

You have issues, my love. Internal struggles with yourself, external issues with your family and others around you and it weighs you down. I never have held that against you. But the struggles you faced made it impossible for you to love me the way you wanted to, the way I needed you to. Still, I held on, praying you would stay with me, praying you would get better. Through all the fights, the petty disagreements, and the abuse, I stayed. Why?

I loved you blindly of course. I loved you without restrictions, and without caution. I loved you wildly. In my head, I knew you could be better. I wanted to see that happen for you. I wanted to help you get to where you should be. I believed in you. I loved you so deeply, I would have, and did do, anything on Earth for you.

The truth is, you are not who I once loved. That person is gone. That person took some of the deepest parts of myself with them. I will always love them.

Had you tried for me, love, had you tried for you, we would have been in love forever. But you didn’t, and sitting around waiting for you only made things harder on me. I’ve accepted the fact that the you I once knew is gone.

I didn’t want to move on from you. I hoped in the deepest cell of my heart that you would come back and sweep me up and make things better. But eventually, I chose to move on. I chose to heal myself. I chose to fix what you shattered. It didn’t come easily, and nearly everyday is a struggle… but I have to. You are the love of my life, but you are long gone now...

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