#fun fact if i scheduled this right it should post as im in an appointment to move forward with top surgery :)

[lambdalibrary]

June 1st: Fun Home

[Image ID: The cover of the book Fun Home: A Family Tragicomic. A stack of three photos on top of a leafy green background. The bottom two photos are obscured and the top photo shows a young Alison Bechdel and her father, both in shorts and t shirts, on the porch of their home. Alison is looking directly at the reader and her father looks to the left. On top of the photo is a business card displaying the title of the novel. At the top of the cover is a quote from Entertainment Weekly saying "A splendid autobiography . . . refreshingly open and generous." End ID.]

Trigger Warnings

Homophobia, child abuse, grooming of minors, suicide

Summary

Fun home is Alison Bechdel's, of Dykes to Watch Out For fame, graphic novel memoir about herself and her relationship to her father, complicated by the fact that both of them are gay. In that way, its a portrayal of two generations of LGBT culture as Bechdel reflects on both her father's experiences as a closeted gay man and hers as a butch lesbian and ultimately where it lead the two of them. There's a line in the musical adaption that I feel captures both the tone and summary of the novel well, "My dad and I both grew up in the same, small Pennsylvania town. And he was gay, and I was gay. And he... killed himself. And I... became a lesbian cartoonist," from "Welcome to Our House on Maple Avenue."

Link to the novel and link to the musical OST

Review

Okay here's where I can start gushing about this book. Fun Home amazing, its a very heavy and complicated read but I can't recommend it enough. Its a book that really resonates with me as a butch lesbian myself with a... complicated relationship with my straight but still father and AUGH! Its funny and its poignant and its difficult and something I'm not sure how to talk about which is why the summary is so robotic but what is there to say? Except just god read it <3 Because its a graphic novel it goes by pretty quickly too and is an easy read (subject matter aside) so its a great place to start if you're not interested in reading something that will take forever and yeah...yeah :)

[Image ID: Two panels from Fun Home. The top panel shows a young Alison and her father in a diner booth in the background. In the foreground a fat, masculine woman stands in front of a worker at the diner signing for packages. There are two captions, one at the top and the bottom. The top caption reads "I didn't know there were women who wore men's clothes and had men's haircuts." The bottom reads, "But like a traveler in a foreign country who runs into someone from home -- someone they've never spoken to, but know by sight -- I recognized her with a surge of joy."

The bottom panel shows a close up of Alison and her father in the booth. It's captioned, "Dad Recognized her too." Alison's father leans forward and asks her, "Is that what you want to look like?" End ID.]

[moonlit-imagines]

Headcanons for being a feral Avenger

Avengers x reader

warnings: guns and death mention (but no one dies dw)

a/n: s/o to @emcon-imagines for the idea since we needed smth OPPOSITE of the norm. also i find it really funny that i got a request for a feral xmen hc while i was writing this

prompt:

you were just.....too much for the team to handle

and that was saying something considering you were THE AVENGERS

“guys, guys, guys, oh my god, look what matt damon just posted” -you

“since when do you care about matt damon?” -literally any avenger

“i dont” -you

absolutely no idea when to quit

so there’s never a dull moment

“who is screaming ‘i fucking knew it?’ some of us are trying to work” -tony

“i think you know” -nat

“follow up question: why?” -tony

“i believe they are watching ‘the mandalorian’” -wanda

“WITHOUT ME??? SON OF A—” -tony

not being allowed to have coffee

or really any kind of caffine but

“sowhatimtryingtosayisshieldwasconnectedtohydraandhydraisdefinitelyconnectedtotheilluminatisowereweapartoftheilluminati?” -you

“...vis? did you give y/n coffee?” -wanda

“i wasn’t aware that it had this effect on them” -vision

accidentally punching a hole in the wall

putting a picture of the team over it

“oh, that’s nice...oh, nevermind” -sam

yes, you announce yourself every time you enter the room

*arms raised* “hello all, it is i, your favorite avenger” -you

“actually my favorite avenger is natasha” -clint

“okay, then it is i, that bitch” -you

“im going to duct tape your mouth shut” -tony

fun fact tony cracked peter’s formula for web fluids just so he could web your mouth shut

*mmph. mmmmph. MMMMMMPH* -you

“ah, finally. peace and quiet” -tony

being found asleep (or just lying down) in some odd positions and locations

the quinjet, on the helipad, in natasha’s room, on the kitchen floor, under the couch cushions, and more

*finding you lying on the kitchen floor* “you alive down there?” -tony *nudging you w his foot*

“hnnnnnn” -you

“cool” -tony

steve has tackled you on the battlefield several times. why, you ask?

“dont go chasin’ waterfalllls stick to the rivers and the lakes that youre used toooo...erbaneanananeeneedododoo...” -you

“y/n, watch out!” -steve

you can put the rest together

also just being the worst on the comms

“clint u gotta pull ur pants up” “work it, wanda!!!” “anyone else smell hamburgers?? hey peter, why don’t you get me a combo?” “look guys! i got one of their weapons! wonder how it works—NEVERMIND” “woah, holy shit, nat. can you teach me how to do that???” -all you, babey

“i don’t remember hitting ‘play’ on the director’s commentary of this mission” -natasha (courtesy of the brilliant @emcon-imagines)

“tony?” -rhodey

“yep, turning off their comms now. they’ll manage without us” -tony

“you’re the genius, why don’t you develop a real-life mute button for them?” -rhodey

“yeah, let me just turn y/n into a cyborg first. thanks for the input” -tony, sarcastically

meanwhile...

“GUYS??? GUYS???? ARE YOU ALL DEAD??? IM THE ONLY ONE LEFT???? this is not how i imagined this happening. maybe i can get a bigger room at the compound. hmph.” -you

whipping a random ass chain around??? where did you get that???

flagging down rhodey

*lands* “what?” -rhodey

“did everyone die?” -you

“no” -rhodey

“why cant i hear them on comms?” -you

“see you later” -rhodey, flying away

sleepless nights tbh

why? why. whywhywhywhy why

was it nightmares? was it hunger? straight up restlessness? wouldnt you like to know

“do i smell popcorn?” -nat to wanda in the dead of night

you had two ENTIRE boxes of popcorn bags out on the counter

“maybe you should just knock them the fuck out, wanda” -natasha (also a product of @emcon-imagines’ genius)

“no!!! movie night!!!” -you, moments before falling into nat’s arms

ur not only feral.....ur also a good friend

“y/n, i really need your help” -peter

“shoot. wait—is it illegal? i’ll do it if it’s illegal” -you

“?? no, no, i just need you to schedule my dentist appointment. my aunt says she won’t do it for me anymore” -peter

*gasp* “can i make up my own character??” -you

you were actually a fan favorite

at times

*in front of news cameras* “hey cool fact about captain america: he can lift his legs behind his head”

social media legend

wintersoldierthirstpage: “can you tell us if bucky’s metal arm vibrates”

y/n_l/n: “can neither confirm nor deny. yes.”

you had a tiktok that was half trends/dances and half memeing serious situations

*pointing camera at secretary ross* “dude’s really trying to take away our rights and shit” *phone smacked out of hand by rhodey*

*all the avengers arguing with “say so” being played over it*

walking into the room covered in string lights

burning ur cookies!!!!

taking clints bow and arrows for “practice”

bad decisions all around

“oh no” -you, rushing out of your room

“what? what’s ‘oh no’” -sam

“my toilet is on fire” -you

“are—are you joking?” -sam

“where’s the fire extinguisher.” -you, VERY CALM

“y/n???? Y/N???? WHY ARENT THE ALARMS GOING OFF?? THE SPRINKLERS?? THERES SMOKE COMING OUT OF YOUR ROOM” -sam

“fire alarms are a myth” -you

“NO??????”

they act like they cant stand you but deep down, you make their lives sm more interesting and they don’t know what they’d do without you. there isn’t always someone trying to achieve world domination.

taglist: @alwaysananglophile // @rorybutnotgilmore // @locke-writes // @sweetheartliz07 // @queen-destenie // @natasha-danvers // @lokihiddles // @frostedficrecs // @lotsoffandomrecs // @johnmurphyisqueer // @teenwaywardasgardian // @pappydaddy // @captainshazamerica // @freya-xo // @ravenmoore14 // @thisetaernallove // @ofthedewthesunlight // @canarypoint // @zoeyserpentluck // @randomawesomeperson102 // @spideyandtheboys // @ghost-bich //

[softandtired]

Headcanon for how RFA+Saeran support an MC in their weightloss journey

This is my first attempt at making a mystic messenger headcanon post, so please forgive me if it's not the best! No one asked for this prompt but oh well...

Yoosung:

"You want to lose weight? Why?" After you explain that you need to for health reasons, yoosung's round puppy eyes flash to a determined expression. He would get really excited about helping you figure out your new meal plans; insisting to make half of them for you himself. It gives him cooking practice he wants, but mostly it's an excuse to be more domestic with you.

It's so fun to experiment with all the different healthy options he can think of… When things get stressful and you cheat(skipping a workout or binge eating cake) you know hes there with you to make sure you don't beat yourself up. You feel so comfortable talking about the whole ordeal with him, that it hypes you up even more to work harder and show him how much healthier you have become through your guyses work together. While Yoosung is a gamer and not exactly a gym rat, he will go with you to the gym sometimes… "I got us matching gym shirts MC! That's not to cheesy is it?!" Give this little boy some cuddles, he's so loyal and supportive through it all he deserves it!

Zen:

When you explain about your trip to the doctors and how they said you needed to lose weight for your health...Hyun was instantly concerned about how you were taking it. "You know you're gorgeous, babe, right? In fact it's hard for me too keep my hands off you…" You laugh and reassure him with a kiss. Zen has never let you feel bad about your body, and you've really gotten to a place where you have loved yourself. But your body has been in a lot if pain lately and your longterm health was definitely worth this healthy lifestyle change.

Lucky for you, Zen knows ALL about that healthy lifestyle. You start with him taking you to the gym and teaching you to lift weights… with him there, the process was much more fun then you ever thought it could be(plus Zen at the gym… panting and covered in sweat… urging you to push through your exercises… ahem*cough*). You're not exactly a fan of only ever eating salads like he does, so you guys eventually work out healthy meals that you both enjoy. Who knew you were so good at seasoning chicken? And Zen made hella tasty veggie salads! Honestly the experience brings you guys even closer together as a couple and when the doctor weighs you two months later, you end up crying happy tears. You've felt lighter and stronger than you had in a very long time. The next time you see Zen you surprise tackle him with kisses. Expect a very romantic date to celebrate.

Jumin:

This rich boy. He's got nutritionists, personal coaches…. He would have bought a whole chain of gyms if it made you happy. When you first bring up your weight loss goals he's instantly on the phone, arranging all the help you could possibly need to reach your goals. "Whatever you need MC, I will arrange it". In fact, all this "help" overwhelms you a lot at first. You ask him if it was alright if the two of you workout together, and his face turns into one of his beautifully soft smiles. "Of course, my love."

Jumin. Spandex gym shirt. LIFE.

Not gonna lie, several of your guyses gym days end with you tugging him away from the coach and the elliptical so you can examine his body up close and personal… Workout Jumin is a side you are not used to seeing, and its… stimulating.

Boy uses this to his advantage on days your groaning and not willing to get out of bed to do push ups.

Jaehee:

When you came home from your doctor's appointment rambling on about terms like "prediabetic" and your needed life change, she was worried. Was your health really that bad? Was there anything she could do to help? When you explained that your weight loss would mostly be preventative she let out a sigh of relief. You meant so much to her, but she wasn't the most knowledgeable when it came to health and such. Sure she knew about portions sizes and things but she hadn't exactly been raised to take care of herself.

So, of course she uses her amazing research skills to help you craft a scientifically proven meal and exercise plan that would actually be realistically manageable for you. She even saved up a bit of money from the cafe to buy you guys a home elliptical machine. "I know you find it difficult to go to the gym sometimes after being exhausted from work… so I just wanted to make it a little easier for you."

An angel. This woman is an angel.

You thank her with a thousand kisses and an intimate bubble bath😘

Saeyoung:

"This is your fault Saeyoung. I told you all those honey buddha chips would make me prediabetic." When you get back from the doctor's and tell Saeyoung about your need to live healthier and lose weight, he takes it surprisingly serious at first. You dont even ask him to help support you, hes already on board with an exercise plan. But again this is Saeyoung. "Saeyoung, where did all my clothes go?" They are in a lock box, attached to a strange eliptical??? Machine that saw cooked up. "It will only unlock after ten minutes of activity MC!"

Honestly, the boy has so much fun thinking of unconventional ways to get you to exercise. Who needs a gym, when he can send you on quests/scavenger hunts through the neighborhood, leaving little notes and things up trees. He gets you a pretty bike, and the two of you make a habit of biking together. It's hard for Saeyoung to schedule it sometimes, but he will do anything to make sure you are healthy and stay with him as long as possible~ He even goes so far as to make you a special Stationary bike that gives compliments to you as you workout! "Keep up the hard work! Your booty's lookin' fiiiiiiiine."(seven why? Omg). He never let's you feel alone in all this. He can't completely give up his chips and dr Pepper but he's managed to curb it a bit… sorta. You still find crumbs and empty bags stashed in odd places but he always apologizes and gives you hugs. "You know meow I'm getting awful jealous of that bike…" He snuggles into your neck and wraps his arms tight around you. "Maybe you should spend more time riding me hmm?" OMG SAEYOUNG WHY-

Saeran:

Saerans reaction is a little less enthusiastic than the rest of the RFA. He doesn't exactly know how to be healthy much, and is really quite worried for your health at first. "I dont think you need to lose weight but if the doctor says it will help…" Hes more hands off with his support of you. Like yoosung, he relishes the opportunity to cook new foods for you, and when you fall off the wagon or get discouraged, he takes your hands in his and softly kisses your forehead. " I know this is hard. It's amazing you've gotten this far. It's okay of you mess up from time to time, but it doesnt define you. You will get to your goal eventually, okay?" SWEET MARSHMELLOW BABY HES PRECIOUS IM DEAD.

You and him go on walks more regularly now and he really loves it. More time to explore around your guyses neighborhood/city, and just experience new things together… it makes his heart melt. You've always tried to help him take care of himself but to do little things for eachothers health like this really means a lot for the both of you. When you meet your weight goal, you are so ecstatic, you tackle hug him. The boys so happy he bakes you a cake!(And it's okay to have some because health is about healthy portioning, not quitting everything you love and enjoy!)

[for-the-love-of-life-lads]

Progress Report

Weight 138.4lb

I did pretty good today. Workout was tough, kept intensity up during mid-day, but wasn’t able to get super intense during class. I had to coach again, which I don’t mind but I just wish I got to be more in the action. I did make the kids run wind sprints though and I got to do it with them. That was fun :D

Food was okay, I got essentially the same meals. Did do salmon and asparagus which was amazing. For water, I only got 4. I know, I suck but I just couldn’t help it. I knew I didn’t sweat nearly as much as I did last night, so I couldn’t force myself to do it.

I have done my abs workout every night though. I found a video that goes through a three week period and gives you different core exercises for every two days so far. I do them at night when I tell my parents I’m going to bed, then I do these progress reports. I just get any time really to myself where I can do anything I want/ need to do. My food is regulated by my parents, my workouts, my school work, there isn’t an aspect of my life that I have control of. So, I guess doing my core workouts and making these progress reports is kinds my “me time” that cut into my schedule for. I have been really worried that I won’t keep up with my core stuff the later I go into the week because I am exhausted by the time Friday rolls around. So, I am going to really committed to doing them again tomorrow, Saturday, and Sunday. Also, I am a little worried about tomorrow. Fridays are always death days for any diets I commit to. I just go crazy and binge eating everything in sight. I really don’t want to do that. I might try and find some activities that will keep my out of the kitchen. I don’t know, maybe I could write a little? Maybe I could find some exercise to do? Maybe I could do my ALS portfolio or write a research paper for fun. I need to check back in with college stuff, so maybe I could do that outside or in my room. I don’t know, just something that will keep me from eating.

(Warning: suicide mentions, eating disorders, basically just me ranting so just skip this section)

Sorry I’m not as peppy tonight, it’s been a long day and I just get tired of always being in trouble. I didn’t do this right, or I’m missing something, or I forgot to do that. Honestly, I don’t understand it. I just get tired of always being wrong. I know that’s partly why I eat, I have so much anxiety all the time and then I get super depressed because it feels like I am going to be stuck here forever and then I want to kill myself. So, because it feels like nothing matters and I don’t have anything that makes me happy, I eat sweet stuff to get the endorphins easily. I wish I could like go for a run or something you know? Just listen to music and run the pain away a little. They talk about a “runners high” which would be a good, productive way to get the endorphins, but my parents wouldn’t let me, or I would have to be on the phone with them the whole time, or they would have to go with me (even though their the thing I’m trying to get away from). I have no place to go, I have nothing to do, so I do the only thing I know can make me happy for just a second which is eating. Honestly, this is why I am so ready for college. There, I could go for a run whenever I want. If I want to take a class about writing? Done. If I want to go to the library for a place to do my work. Boom! Im there! The idea that I could do core workouts before 9:00 pm at night and then type posts without worrying if the noises of my keyboard are going to be too loud and cause my parents to break in and yell at me just takes a lot of stress away. I think I wouldn’t be nearly as stressed as I am with my parents. I feel like I’m a mother taking care of three children’s mental health. To my parents credit, I have always had a house and food. I am super grateful for how they always physically provide for me. But when I feel like I am trying to mediate a off-and-on relationship couple for my parents who literally haven’t figured out how to grow up in the 18 years I’ve been alive it gets hard. When my dad isn’t happy, he wants me to fix it. When he’s mad at my mom? I have to fix it. When he wants to rough-house? I’m in trouble if I don’t want to play. I have to manage the diets to make sure he doesn’t throw everyone off because he wants to eat out. I have to set the alarms so that everyone gets to their workouts and appointments on time. When my mom is angry that she puts herself in this situation, I have to hear about how sucky her life is even though she is fully capable of being independent and leaving anytime she wants. Mean while, they both have forgotten their other daughter (my younger sister) for the last 15 years and I have had to essentially teach her how to grow up into a normal functioning adult. She needs to know that its okay to cry, but just make sure that get back to work after you’ve had a good cry. She has to know that she needs to be able to love herself and be able to be okay being by herself before she ever gets in a relationship. She needs to know how someone should treat her because she is a good person and so she deserves good treatment. She needs to know that the world isn’t going to chew her up and spit her out because she is stronger than she’ll ever know. She needs to learn how to be a self-starter, but also to know when you need to take care of yourself and take things slower. These are the things my baby sister needs to know, that I have to teach her because my parents have so many of their own mental issues that they are too busy to see her growing up unguided. I worry about her when I’m gone because whenever she gets sad, or overwhelmed all she can say is “what am I going to do without you?” and the truth is, I don’t have a good answer for her. I don’t trust that my parents can get their shit together enough to take care of her and help her grow into a mentally healthy individual. If not for her, I would have killed myself a long time ago. But all I could think about whenever I created my plan and chose a night, and wrote that note, was how I was leaving her without anyone who could help her grow up. I mean look at me? I have severe anxiety, depression, certainly low self-esteem, eating problems, trust issues, I’m super anti-social, and I am so messed up that I feel like I can’t do anything without constantly thinking about what a fuck-up I am. I don’t want her to end up like me. I want her to be able to at least live with herself by the time she’s 18.

So yeah, clearly I haven’t had the best day based on the fact I’m spilling my guts  right now, so I am going to go to sleep and try again tomorrow. 

See you guys soon!

[hegglespeggles]

That Mental Illness Thing.

A really good friend of mine just told me she’s struggling with depression, and so i gave her my advice. I figured it might be helpful for other people too so Imma post is here, please feel free to add anything else to it as well! heres my two cents: I'm so incredibly sorry that you feel so shitty, and I understand some of how terrible you feel right now. I want you to know that this doesn't lessen you as a person, and that this will not last forever. I was diagnosed with depression when I was 15, and I have lived a happy(ish ;)) healthy fufilling life despite that. And who knows, maybe its clinical, maybe its situational. I don't know. thats why I'm going to refer you to a bunch of different resources. 1. the family navigation project at sunnybrook works with the families of mentally ill children to help get them  the support they need. they are like 85% of the reason I got the help i needed, and theyre super nice and will help you and theyre super knowledgeable, and will check up on you and communicate with you. I was scared and smol and super alone in the whole thing and they made me feel like i wasn't fighting on my own. 100% reccomend. 2. the Delisle youth services are an organization that offer therapy and safe spaces to youth and theyre super fantastic too. Those safe spaces are also very pro LGBTQIA+ ( all of the places im reccomending are, but by far delisle are the most proactive about it) so if you feel like you need a place to ask questions about your sexuality and advice and whatnot, theyre great mate. 3. When i got my diagnosis, I had to go in circles and bounce from organization to organization a lot, so Im gonna cut to the chase here: if your looking for a diagnosis, go to your doctor and have them refer you for an appointment at the youthdale treatment centre. thats where they have child psychs that will assess you and help you figure out what you need. which leads me to: LITTLE FUN FACTS YOU SHOULD KNOWWWWW 1. you are 14< which means that you have complete control over your own medical records. if you want, you can do what i did and your parents never have to find out. you tell the doctor "i dont want my parents to know" and BY LAW they cant say jack shit. Personally, i think that if you are comfortable with it, then it makes the whole this 80000% easier on you mentally to have a parent with you, but far from me to say that it will always be the best option bc i know that things only were worse for me when my parents found out (here i should add the caveat that my parents were abusive pieces of shit and from what you told me your parents are great but idk. you know yourself and your situation best.) 2. Diagnoses are your best friend. theres a few different reasons why imo your first step is a diagnosis: a) it first of all gives you the piece of mind to know that you arent just being lazy, or self pitying, but that you have a legitimate illness that you must treat which makes it leaps and bounds easier to treat because you dont hate yourself (as much) b) the school and other institutions will help you out if you can provide that documentation. Ontario charter of rights and freedoms outlines that you are entitled to certain allowances as you have a legitimate disability. Once you have a diagnosis, you can sit down with a guidance counsellor and get some things set out to help you at school. this means for me that i am allowed to listen to music in class, i get extra time on assignments with no reprecussions, and if i need to walk out of class (panic attacks yay!) then i can. by far this has made my life sosososo much better and easier and made me so much happier. its so comforting to know if youre having a bad episode and cant move from bed than at least your not "destroying your life." also, universities are forced to recognize it too, and that leads to my last point c) as calculating as it sounds, scholarships yo. you heard me. get that mad dough. 

3. maybe the first therapist you see wont work for you. maybe you have to shop around. thats okay and normal and 100% fine. the most important part is that you find someone you can work with 4. Kids help phone has an online chat if you ever need to scream about something but dont wanna feel like youre burdening anyone. MY SUPER SUBJECTIVE PERSONAL EXPERIENCE 1. sometimes you just gotta turn your brain off and run on autopilot. sometimes you dont go to rehearsal bc you love it, sometimes you just gotta go because its thursday night and thats what happens thursday nights. 2. Schedule your life. I find that when im depressed, sitting in bed watching star trek for 16 hours feels like a really solid plan. so have a solid-er plan in place so that when you feel like that you can say that "nope i cant find out if starfleet is actually being controlled by changelings because i have to create an outline of my comparitive essay for english by 4 o clock" and so by doing that you become your own mom. i like bullet journalling for this. google it, its fun and productive.   3. Talk to people. I know how hard that can be and im really proud of you for reaching out the way you have. that takes guts, and so im putting this here as a intellectual thing to keep track of and not because i actually think youre stuggling with this part b. messaging people isnt the same as talking to them. so try to get that face-time in. go see a movie. grab some fro-yo. go to the park. see people face to face and that will make everything less shitty. SO FINAL SUM UP. this is a super shitty way to be feeling, and i know its kinda scary, but it doesnt have to suck peripherally, only in the most immediate way, in that your illness is pretty much described as "everything sucks for me always." If you ever need anything i am always right here, and there are resources available at the tips of your fingers. I have a studyblr as well and a lot of it is how to manage mental health when youre in school (and star trek memes. shut up you have your guilty pleasures too) so if you need help getting to work this is also helpful too.

[bjornartesttest]

Februar, 2017

Its about one year since my last post, so I will start this of with a little sum-up about whats been going on in my life since march last year. 

In my last post I left it of stating that I was going to chill with the boys, and focus on work. I guess I didnt completely manage to ive up to that. Having that said, Ive been more true to my self then I have in the past at least. The bouS:

Max: 

We met a few times on dates, we had a one-night stand and we also went for a walk. I was always a bit scared to get to into him, as it was clear hw wanted to get out of Norway and see the world. And thats what he did He moved to Germany this fall, I think he is haveing a good time there. Good for him!

Pål:

Me and Pål are still friends, though there is something about our chemistry that always ends up with flirting. I think he is still into me. I have a tendency to always reject him in a nice way. He respects it though, and I dont think I am taking advantage of him. I met him last night on his birthday, wich was nice. I dod make sure to go home before I got too drunk though.. We also meet every second month or so though a dinner club we have started with common good freind Siri. Very nice. 

Steffen:

We were supposed to meet up again and have some fun a few weeks ago, but hew then all of a sudden had started to date his old summer fling and called it of. Not very suprsing I must say. Speaking of, it might also have something to do with the fact that I dated his ex boyfriend this summer. I found out about it on the last date I had with the guy (whom I cant remember the name of anymore). A very handsome architect in his late 30s. It was sort of a turn-of for us both that we had been with the same guy though I think. More about that later

Other boys:

Marius:

Marous I met around May/June last year. Hes a 36 year old nurse, wirking with HIV at Olafia clinic in Oslo. Marius is in many ways a bit like me. POsitive, firendly, medium self confidence, creative, a bit weird, tall. We were a really good match, and had some very nice dating time before the summer hoilday. For some reason though, It felt like we were a bit to simlar. Not enough friction. So- after my summer holiday when he was away, I was out dancing one night - wich leves me to Ingemar. The guy who made me understand I should not be with Marius anymore (aka I dumped him 3 weeks after I met ingmar).

Ingemar:

24 year old guy. Crazy, handsome, cute, smart and a handfull... We met at the dancefloor and then spent every nihght together for a week. Very intence, and also at the point when I was not done with Marius yet. He was ony on town for a week before he went to exchange studioes at a Architecture aschool in france. We kept in touch during fall and talked a lot on the phone. He met the fwall and kept me in the loop on his journey, wich made our connectionquote special. Somehow I really started to care for him. Whn he came home around chrsitmas, I think we were both wondering about what our connection was really about. I did not really feel a “in love” connection anymore, but I think I tried to lie to myself and try to convince myself that I did. Maybe he did the smae. We met once before xmas, and then we talked and texted thoughtout the holidays about our lives. Very deep - kind of to ddep maybe? I invited him over in the beginning of december, and it kind of felt a bit forced and unromatic. At the same time, we totally opepend up so I know alot about him and vice versa. We ended up concluding with that we are better of as friends. I think thats a good thing, and it will be interesting to see how our connection will continue. Will the freindship thing come natural, or will it still be weird once in a while? Time will show. Im not 100% sure myself about how much it makes sence to be in touch...

Germain:

Me and Germain met a year ago. At that time I had decided to have a boy break, so I dodnt follow up. This fall I saw hime on Gaysir, and invited him out for a date. Hes a super cute, smart mexican 28 year old boy. Very passionate about his studies, hobbies and work, and a stable soul. I like many sides of his. Having that said, we have not met in over a month, so I am not really sure where it is going. He texts me, and want h´to hear how I am doing, but he also never have toime to meet up because of his tight schedule. I have a tight schedule, but I still manage to prioritize. Before xmas, we met maybe 5 times. Nice trios, dates, kissin, food. The last night when we were suposed to have sex was though a bit awkward. We could not go though w it, as he told me he just found out he had an STD in his throat. Aka not even kissing. Anyways, to be honest - I am not really quite sure what to di with him. Its like he is the only one I am currently “in touch” with, but if its not leading anywhere - is it perhaps better to just close the case? If I dont hear from him in a week, I am out. 

So . that was my last year with boys. A ot of very interesting boys, but nothing that really hit the right note it seems. Ive been frustrated lately, as it feels like Ive allready met all the good boys in the city, and Im getting anxous out and about as there are so many old flames anywhere I go. Fuck budies, dates, Grid faces... urgh... So - right now I am on a gay break. No applications, no onlune profiles. I even deleted my 10 year old gaysir profile...

It actually feels quite refreshing. I really needed a littel mental break, something I think is really good for me. I will try to keep it up for the next 4 weeks, before I start opening up again. I still have some fuck buddies though, wich helps. Ive meet them both now for quite some time, so it feels safe and nice. Before I started this “off face”, I was very out there. I dont think Ive ever had as much sex in my life as ive had the last 12 months. Because of this, I applied to get PREP in december. Something I ironcly got one week before I deleted my profiles. Its been great to have sex without a condom with my normal partners though. For the past month Ive taken a pill every day, but I will stop doing that and focus it around planned meetings after my next doctors appointment.

So - sum up about boys:

I met a lot of great guys, and now I feel exhausted and a bit drained and frustrated. I have forgotten how it felt to be in a realtionship and beeing cudeled every night. Definelty in a veryindepenent phase somehow. Im k´going to keep it like that for a little bit longer.

Other in life, its been a eventful year. I bought my own appartment, a lovely small place in gamlebyen. Ive spent all of my money and a lot of my time fixing it up and getting it into shape. I am quite happy with it :-)

Also, Ive had a bit of a hard year workwise. Two of my biggest projects ever did not go how I watd them to. I did not manage to stir them the way I wanted, and as a result I crashed a bit last fall mentally. I lost a lot of confidence, and started questioning everything. I dont fell like talking to much a out it, as Ive allready processed it quite well, but what that is worth mentioning though is that it made me think about a lot of things I have not thoght about in a long itme. Such as future goals, dreams, expectations to myself and what that really matters in life. 

I am writing this post now partly because I dont want myself to forget the journey I started, and what fruites I have gotten so far. What do I need to do to keep this up?

Basically, I felt frustrated and asked myself what I could do to get more focused, inspired etc. I decided to talk with a school, AHO, and their MA course in service design. I have been thinking about maybe applying there this coming fall. I also talked with one of my bosses to see if I somehow could learn and work with the same things at the office - and school myself there. To be honest - I started up very good - but have not been good at follwing up. I will keep this in mind on my “goals list” in the end of this post. 

Ive started working as a voluntair at Sjekkpungt, something thta has been very intersting so far. My role is to test people for HIV. So far Ive only been and the workshops, but in a months time, I will start testing people myself. Looking forward to that. 

Ive gotten active in Grafill, and their graphic design group. So far its been really fun. I might take of the the spot as lader of the group ina months time, wich is great. I would love to be more active with those kind of issues. 

Work has btw been quite nice now after XMAS. Ive finished all my projects in time, and delivered fairly well on all of them I think. 

Ive also managed to get two freelance gigs. One for Stanavger Kunssenter, and one for Tableau. I really enjoy working on them both, now I just need to do them!

Other then that, Ive been hitting the gym A LOT lately, and I am slowly starting to get results. Body feels more toned, and I am starting to get quite comfertable with how I look. I will do what I can to keep it up!

SO - to do list:

- Stay of apps for anohter few weeks

- Give Germain one week to make up his mind, then be straight forward and move on.

- Keep up the gym - six pack by april (text PT)

- Have FUN with freelance work. Focus hard the next few days. Finish webshop, email Katrin, make “shop” logo.

- Start developing the Geology project - Morteza? Karoline?

- Applyi for AHO!!

- Start thinking about potential moves next fall.. Copenhagen? AHO? Other opertunities?

- FInd out how to do more teaching. Who to talk with?

- Read service design books

- Visit Silje

- Eat soup

- Russia

- pay down Mastercard by MAY