#gender talk

[lover-of-skellies]

I have a sibling who's questioning their gender and may be a demi boy (maybe? I don't quite grasp demi genders yet, but I'm trying). They want to experiment with that and work up the confidence to tell our mom eventually, but our mom is.... not exactly very open to gender discussions

She acts like trans people are weirdos, and she's in the group of people who think they/them and neo pronouns are stupid, and. While I don't think she'd throw out my sibling or do anything super extreme like that, I can only do so much to be supportive here

I listen to my sibling, I let them talk about their gender stuff, and I ask questions and give feedback when they ask for it. There's a lot I don't get yet, but again, I'm trying ^^" does anyone have advice here, regarding any part of the situation? There's nothing that can be done as far as our mom goes, but my sibling and I are open to advice and encouragement and things

[queer-reader-07]

i think one of my spiciest takes is that i think cis people should be cis on purpose and not because it’s the “default”

ok hear me out before you go into the notes, i have reasons.

the main idea is that i think EVERYONE should explore and interrogate their gender identity and what their gender truly means to them. because 1) i don’t think any harm will ever come from wanting to understand yourself and your existence on a deeper level and 2) if everyone, including cis people, explored their gender it would be more generally accepted. thus, trans people or people questioning their transness wouldn’t be as othered when they start questioning and exploring their gender.

because here’s the deal. every trans person i know can tell you what their gender means. they can tell you what it means to be a man or a woman or neither or both or some other nebulous concept. they can describe it to you and explain it to you. they can tell you what their manhood or womanhood or neitherhood means to them, what it represents, how they knew that’s who they were.

every trans person i know (including myself) can articulate what their gender is in more words than “well i’m *insert gender* because i’m *insert gender*” (yes i know i’m always saying i can’t be bothered with gender but i do actually have a lot of feelings and words on my own)

i’ve talked to a lot of cis people about gender and they just simply can’t explain to me what womanhood or manhood is to them. so often it’s “well i’m a man cuz i’m a man. i look like a man i act like a man etc etc.” but what does a man look like? what does a man act like? and it’s usually people who consider themselves trans allies saying these things!

people should explore their gender. they should understand it more deeply. i don’t say “explore your gender” as a way to try and force anyone into a realization of transness, i say it because i want people to understand their gender. whether that be cis or trans or whatever.

to understand yourself more deeply is to understand your place in the world more accurately. learning more about who you are, and why you are, and how you are never hurts in the long run.

so yeah. be cis on purpose, be cis because you know deeply that you are cis, because you understand what that means to you.

and be trans on purpose. use the labels you like deliberately. dress in the way that brings you euphoria and mitigates dysphoria because you deserve that.

simply be on purpose. walk through life with deliberate steps, with solidified intent. because without doing so, how can we find our purpose on this earth and in this life?

[disaster-theysbian]

Gotta say, I've been out as a lesbian for 3 years and nonbinary for a year and a half. And I've noticed something.

Just because someone *always* gets your name and pronous correct, and angrily calls out anyone who forgets, doesn't necessarily mean they support you.

Conversely, just because someone struggles to remember your name and pronouns, or can't wrap their head around gender neutral/neo pronouns at all, doesn't necessarily mean they DON'T support you.

This is applicable to any situation really not just queer shit. Watch what people do, not just what they say, and you will find your friends. Someone might shower you with compliments and have common interests with you, but what happens when you tell them no? Do they get angry when they are corrected? Do they have kind things to say about other people?

My colleagues wouldn't know a gender-neutral pronoun if one hit them in the face with a dictionary, but they make sure I've had a lunch break and get home safely. They have my back if I have a difficult patient. They defend me against other staff members who like to create drama and bitch about people as if they're still in the school playground. If someone has something to say about me being a big ol' queer, they make it known that discrimination has no place in our unit.

My best friend in the whole entire world forgets my name and pronouns every day. When the organisers of her therapy group changed "men and women" to "people" and "he/she" to "they" in order to be more inclusive, there was outcry. Everything from the "it just doesn't sound right" grammar-policing nonsense to the "f*cking special snowflakes are offended by everything". She came down on them like a ton of bricks. She said if the organisers hadn't told them that it was changing, that they wouldn't have noticed. She told them they obviously haven't loved someone outside of the gender binary and they were missing out. She then told them how she had seen me grow and develop since I came out, and how in awe she was of the person I had become. No, she doesn't understand it at all, but why should that mean that she can't be there for me and appreciate how happy I am to be able to be me? Why should that mean, because you lot don't understand it, that someone with the same issues as the rest of the therapy group feels unsafe and unwelcome and doesn't get their issues resolved? As a result, a few of them changed their minds, INCLUDING HER OWN FATHER, and the rest at least shut the hell up about it.

ON THE FLIP SIDE...

A queer person who used my correct name and pronouns delighted in making me walk on eggshells, inventing reasons to be angry with me, convinced me I was a terrible person and even went as far as to try and turn me against my own therapist. They tried to tell me that my therapist only said I was a good person because she was paid to, and that because they themselves had a psychology degree that they could tell I had all these complexes and needed to work hard to be a good person, and it was unlikely I'd never get there. (I chose to listen to my therapist and stop being friends with this person).

A queer person who used my correct name and pronouns continued to do things that made me uncomfortable when I asked them to stop. Never said in as many words "you're not allowed to hang out with your friends" but conveniently had an emergency every time I had plans, and accused me of being uncaring if I needed my own space. They knew I had difficulty asking for help, but still got angry with me when I asked because I didn't ask "soon enough".

A queer person who used my correct name and pronouns told me they would look after me and they didnt. .

A queer person threatened to misgender me MORE when I corrected them.

I'm just saying, that if you choose to yeet everyone who doesn't get your name and pronouns right... that doesn't necessarily make you safe. We live in a very binary world. As much as we want that to change, it won't if we ignore or shout at the bits we don't like. (Believe me, I've tried).

[thaliajoy-blog]

To open on the subject of genderqueerness in Blue Eye Samurai...the bond Madame Kaji establishes with Mizu, trying to please her & sending all the signals to basically tell her "it's okay to be gay it's okay to be a freak"...and the way after she's done the job of getting them rid of the claw army...the way she says "you are more man than any who comes through my door"...that just lives in my head always.

Like she's giving Mizu a recompense for her masculinity performance or something. Here's your man card my lord. And like, how does Mizu even feel about this through the various perspectives of gender. She's a woman ? Dark irony there. He's a guy ? Validation but also in a weird way. They're neither ? Uuuuh.

[intermundia]

the thing about being transmasc is that masculinity is not something handed to you. nobody wants you to have it. they think you aren't entitled to it, or that you're hurting women by wanting it. it makes many uncomfortable as tacitly masculinity is not supposed to be something you assert, they think it's a set of privileges you have automatically if you deserve it, and you don't. they think masculinity is the same thing as patriarchy, and that you're inherently rude and dangerous if you want to be a man socially. you're supposed to stay deferential to everyone about this as an apology, but they don't really want to see you, hear you, or think about you at all. it's always going to be transgressive and contentious to some extent as you're crossing boundaries into places you are not supposed to enter, but you have to do it anyway. you have to reach out and take it and make it for yourself, however it feels right, even if people get upset about it, no matter how exhausting or hurtful. you're not inherently hurting anyone by being who you are, you're not inherently annoying to request basic respect and consideration of your feelings. i guess i've come to realize that you can people please all you want, until you realize what would give many people pleasure is for you to disappear entirely. at that point all you can do is live your authentic life as best you can.

[spitblaze]

I feel like a lot of people's idea of why transmasc erasure happens is taken in bad faith ('the queer community needs an underclass' 'we're still women to everyone so we barely even exist' among some takes that are genuinely transmisogynist, what the fuck guys) so I'm just gonna put forth my theory on why we don't see more.

For a lot of people, especially in the queer community, men = privileged. This isn't an off the wall concept, male privilege is very real and very well documented. An effort needs to be made to platform more women, and this includes trans women. And that’s good! But then the oppositional sexism starts seeping in. Trans women are women. Trans men are men. Women are disenfranchised and should be uplifted and have the spotlight on them more. Therefore, men, including trans men, do not need to be platformed or given extra attention, because they have male privilege.

But that's like...kinda missing the forest for the trees, right? Or missing the trees for the forest, maybe? Yes, a trans man is a man, but an out trans man is 1) NOT going to benefit from male privilege the same way a cis man is going to and 2) is STILL disenfranchised, on the basis of being visibly queer. Something that is true for a trans woman does not necessarily mean the opposite must be true for a trans man, man and woman are not opposites, and neither are their places in society- this isn't even touching on how often nb people are arbitrarily shoved into gendered boxed in order to either be 'woman (disenfranchised' or 'man (privileged)' which I should not have to say at this point is not how this works.

Lemme be clear here- I'm not pointing fingers or implicating ANYONE here, I think the reason we see less and hear from and about transmascs within the queer community COMES from a good place! The intentions are good! But as with most things the issue sorts comes down to treating this as a binary issue, when it really shouldn't be! That's all.

I'm not an expert and I don't exist in people's heads, this could be it, I could be completely off base, I dunno, I just learned about oppositional sexism and it's given me some insights, so. Idk

[constantlymisgendered]

When did everyone forget that trans people have been around for centuries? We didn't just appear

[criku]

happy trans day of visibility!!q (they/them)

[the-kingshound]

Went through that in high school; others guys and even some girls would openly mock me for having basic human manners and levels of empathy? Like, why expect less from a guy when we are just as capable of being gentle with others' emotions and hardships? I still thank both my parents for raising me not to be swayed by the jeering and always openly telling me how proud they were of the traits some of my peers would mock. And fascinatingly during college, a few of those same people who mocked me as high schoolers grew out of that mindset and now express immense embarrassment over their past behavior or dug their heels deeper and paid for the hardheadedness.

One of the things that makes me the agriest is people being shamed or ridiculed for being soft/kind. Especially men, it is so unfair and stupid... on the other hand it makes me happy to hear some people were able to become aware of their behaviour and leave it behind!

[thejacketscloset]

Sometimes I forget I'm not really out of the closet... like at all.

Outside of my close friend group and being online, no one really knows... and sure that bothers me. People don't call me my name, I want people to call me my damn name for once, but coming out is so so terrifying and there's never a right time for it.

Biggest shout out to my friends for being oh so supportive of me though I love em to bits :3 when they use my full name I go OHOHO!!!! THATS ME!!!! IM JACKSON!!!!! IM JACKIEBOY!!!! THATS WHO I AM!!!! it's pretty sweet

[queer-reader-07]

so you know that post that’s like “stop telling people they can’t call themselves FTM, i lived as a girl for years i WAS a girl”?

well there’s a reblog on that post about being really protective of your pre transition self and it just really hit home for me.

kind of without realizing it i have a tendency to refer to pre coming out me as a girl, i use she/her pronouns when i talk about pre coming out me, all that jazz. and it never crossed my mind that that was weird? that it was somehow not normal to talk about pre coming out me as a girl or with she/her pronouns.

because I’M not a girl. my pronouns are they/them. why wouldn’t i refer to younger me the same way?

and i think it really does come down to being so fiercely protective of my younger self. she was such a strong and resilient little girl. she endured far too much bullying that went ignored by teachers. she was so hard on herself, she buried her emotions because she didn’t want to be a problem.

but she had hopes and dreams and goals and for fuck’s sake she WAS going to achieve it all.

and she was a girl. her girlhood was so intrinsic to who she was.

and i don’t see why i should discredit that? why i should have to they/them my past self so that it makes sense to other people.

that little girl is not who i am now. i’ve got healthier relationships with the people in my life, i have so many more amazing and beautiful friendships in my life, i no longer bury my feelings.

but if one thing hasn’t changed it’s that i’m still determined as all hell to achieve my dreams and goals. because i want to make that little girl that i was proud.

her biggest dream in life was to become a scientist, and now i’m here making those dreams come true. i’m here taking calculus and gen chem and signing up for ochem next year because if that’s what it takes, i’m gonna fucking do it.

yes a lot of my dreams and goals now are the same ones i had when i was younger. but knowing that i’m making that little girl, that girl who was hurting and confused why no one cared, proud makes it so much better.

i may not be a girl anymore. i may have grown into a non-binary genderfuck of a person. but the little girl that i was holds so much space in my heart. she is shrouded in love and care and tenderness because why would i hurt her? why would i hurt her more by acting like who she was was a lie?

she was a little girl. and she was amazing. and i want to honor that. i want to protect that.

i’m not really sure where this is going but my point is that it’s not only ok but BEAUTIFUL to be protective of your pre transition self. it’s so valid to talk about your pre transition self in terms of your AGAB. you don’t have to, obviously, but if you do and if that’s what feels right for you? don’t let anyone tell you it’s wrong.

[gnometa233]

Just your local gnc lesbian coming on to remind y'all that gender non conforming people are real and valid, and that not conforming to gender roles is completely valid.

Cis nonconforming people are not one egg crack away from being trans. A cis woman liking old spice or a cis man wearing high heels doesn't automatically mean they're gonna transition

Binary Trans non conforming people are not trenders or actually faking being trans. A trans man enjoying doing makeup or a trans woman not shaving her legs are still what genders they say.

Nonbinary people are not secretly binary trans or secretly cis for leaning more into gender roles one way than another

Some of y'all are just reinventing gender roles but making it woke. Go outside, rethink your life, and stop commenting on "actually trans" or "actually cis" some people are

[tundrakatiebean]

Really big fan of feminine trans men. Love what y’all are doing with the gender soup and I’m thrilled to be able to witness it.

[intermundia]

celebrating the first anniversary of my cancer surgery today by officially starting T 🙏 thank fuck lmao it took a long time to shift from the mentality of 'just trying to survive' to 'building a life worth living', but we're finally getting there folks!! we're getting there.

[gendervapor14]

♥ big corabelle gender & sexuality ramble below ♥

in response to this reblog on this post:

yesss @escapaldi i love this shit. it’s almost like i enjoy the way you write corabelle because you dig into these concepts

as my username may suggest, i can’t stand gender roles (or gender in general tbh) so corabelle definitely scratches an itch for me in that regard. because belle-mere, in my humble opinion, would identify as a lesbian. and i think she’d be into cora. in terms of rosinante’s sexuality, i don’t have any set headcanons. i’ve written him as pretty much everything at this point. but yes. let’s go back to gender.

maybe this is just me projecting but cora always seemed to bring a gender-nonconforming vibe to the table? in most interpretations i write him into, he uses he/him pronouns, (he/they in future projects), but i don’t think he strictly adheres to the concept of masculinity or femininity. he’s just. there. he doesn’t seem to be affected by how he appears or what he wears or what others think. and i think bell-mere would pick up on that, she seems good at reading people. she herself seems pretty comfortable with her identity as a woman, she seems proud to be viewed as a mother to her children. which leads to bell-mere (lesbian) being attracted to rosinante (occasionally identifies as a man). anyway. yes i love them i love thinking about this shit with them because although they appear het (and sometimes when i write them, they are), i think they are gay. very gay. although i’m Not picky and i’ll gladly eat up any interpretation of this ship. this is just my personal recipe

it’s funny because i ranted about this the day of the corabelle vs nolgara poll in the villain server lmao

but uh yeah basically the bottom line is. anyone can use whatever labels they feel most comfortable with and corabelle are lesbians sometimes good talk

[a-sociopath-do-your-research]

Gender is clay and boy am I making some weird ass shapes