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nhlandotherimagines · 3 years

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Since When? -Matthew Tkachuk X Fem!Reader

This is approximately 11.2k words of a friends-to-lovers rollercoaster of emotions! I hope you all enjoy! I hope you all enjoy it! @anastasiyaigorevnadobrodevskaya @jonnytoews19 @puckbitchesgetmoney @glassdanse @suzukick

Warnings: Cursing, mentions of nudity, implied sexual acts, angst, negative self talk, “unrequited” love, drinking, also some fluff as well. Please let me know if I missed anything!

In case you don’t know: Y/n: your name, Y/l/n: your last name, and Y/n/n: your nickname (can be replaced with your name if you do not have a nickname of course)

flashbacks are in italics :)

———

“Y/n, this is Macy. Macy, this is Y/n.” Matthew introduces you to the blonde girl he’s been talking about for weeks. She is so much prettier than you could have ever imagined. Beautiful blonde hair, flawless tanned skin, and her legs went on for miles. You shake the thoughts from your head a large grin taking over your own face.

“Oh how formal of you Matthew,” you say mockingly. “Please call me Y/n/n, and despite how Matty here is acting you have no reasons to be nervous. He talks about you all the time, I like you already!” You beam with a wink. Matt’s ears and neck burn red in embarrassment, as you and Macy giggle.

“I could say the same about you y/n/n!” Your stomach twists a little at that, what could Matthew possibly have told her? You and him have been friends for years. Best friends. You live across the hall from him now. When you moved to Calgary he insisted you moved into his apartment, but you know he would never take a girl home with you around all the time. If you are being truly honest with yourself, it has more to do with the fact that you don’t want to think about Matthew with other girls.

Yet here you are, standing in front of his new girlfriend, who could be supermodel. “Would you like to get a drink Macy? Let Matthew go talk boring old sports stuff with his jock friends.” Macy giggles at your request, but agrees quickly placing a kiss on Matthew’s cheek.

————

“Thank you for this. Matt’s been really weird about me meeting you, and I was worried you were going to hate me.” Macy’s smile falters a little when she says this, causing you to choke a little on your drink.

“Wow! He must have made me seem like a total bitch! Sounds like him really. I guess he knows I want whoever he’s with to be perfect for him, but he doesn’t understand that as long as he’s happy and that girl isn’t just a gold digger than I’m happy too.” You knock her shoulder playfully with yours, “He seems very happy with you, and for the record I think you’re really cool.”

The two of you sit in silence for a moment, before Macy speaks again. “So how did you and Matt become friends?”

“It’s a long story, are you sure you want to hear it?” You chuckle, as she nods excitedly.

“Y/n l/n?” The teacher reads out your name.

“Present!” You beam from your spot at the front of the class hand in the air. You hear a few chuckles from behind you, and lower your hand slowly slumping into your chair.

“Matthew Tkachuk?” The teacher continues, after giving you a sympathetic smile.

“That would be me!” His voice causes your eyes to snap to the door. He’s beautiful and chaotic. Bright blue eyes, messy curls, a little smirk, and a cute little dimple to tie it all together.

“Mr. Tkachuk, being late on the first day isn’t the best first impression. Please don’t make a habit of it.” The teacher scolds lightly.

“Sorry, I won’t.” He smiles sheepishly, as he places his backpack on the chair beside yours. “Okay if I sit here?” He looks at you expectantly.

Unable to find your words you nod. He sits down, and smiles at you. “I’m Matthew.” He adds sticking his hand out for you. You take it, face burning red.

“Uh- I’m y/n.” You stutter out. More snickers coming from the seats behind you. Immediately you pull your hand away and stare down at your lap, tears burning your eyes. It was your first day of highschool, and already you weren’t fitting in.

“Well y/n, can I call you y/n/n?” He asks quickly, but doesn’t bother to wait for a response, “Want to eat lunch with me? It being the first day and all I’m trying to make friends. What do you say?”

“Okay.” You reply, and smile up at him. No longer feeling as shy.

So you did eat lunch together that day. And every day after that. You became best friends almost immediately. After a couple weeks, you met his family and fit in well with all of them. Matthew fit just as perfectly in your life. You studied together, you went and watched his games, you did everything together.

It was so easy to be with Matthew, so when he got drafted to the Flames your decision was easy. You immediately applied to the University of Calgary.

“And we’ve been friends forever it feels like.” You smile at her.

“So you guys dated in highschool?” She asks, but it sounds more like a statement than a question. Your eyes nearly popped out of your skull at that.

“No way! Matt and I are only friends, that’s all we’ve ever been, and we are both VERY okay with that.” You cringe to yourself at how awkward you sound, trying to convince her what you were saying was true. And it mostly was, aside from the fact that part of you wanted more, and still do.

“Seriously? Not even like one date?” You shake your head, “not one awkward game of spin the bottle?” Again you shake your head, “not even a drunk hookup?” At that you laugh, and take another swig of your drink.

“I’m being honest Macy. The closest to any of that Matt and I ever had was my seventeenth birthday.” You shudder at the memory, “Neither of us enjoyed that.”

Macy’s face lit up at that. “Well now you have to tell me!”

You are standing in front of your bedroom mirror getting ready for your birthday party. People would be showing up in about an hour, your mom is in the kitchen finishing the cake, your dad cleaning the barbecue, your siblings at friends houses, and here you are standing mostly naked in front of the mirror. Admiring the brand new navy blue lingerie set you just bought, your very first set. You feel really sexy, for the first time ever, which at seventeen is a big deal.

You aren’t sure how long you’ve been standing there, when the door opens, but you are too zoned out to even notice as you run your fingers along the lace resting on your hips. “Oh fuck!”

As soon as you hear his voice you turn towards the door and do your best to cover your exposed body.

“MATTHEW JESUS CHRIST GET OUT!” You scream at him, tears blurring your vision. He mutters an apology as he quickly exits your room.

You cry for awhile, the embarrassment making you not want to get off your floor. However, you do eventually, and change into the dress your mother bought specifically for your party. It was black, and much more mature than your mother would have ever let you wear before, or maybe it’s because you yourself look more mature. Who knows? All you know is that you don’t want to face Matthew.

It turns out that you don’t have to. Matthew doesn’t show up for the party. Brady does though, telling you he isn’t sure what happened, but Matthew isn’t feeling well. You know why though. He was repulsed.

You cry yourself to sleep after everyone leaves. Even going as far as throwing out the set of lingerie, unable to look at it anymore.

You thought you lost him that day. Thankfully though, the following Monday it was like nothing happened. Neither of you bring it up again.

“Wow! He never mentioned it?” She laughs in astonishment.

“Not once! I think he’s forgotten really. It’s not like there was really much to see anyway.” You go back and forth like that all night, sharing stories, buying each other drinks, dancing together. It is perfect.

Across the bar Matthew smiles to himself, watching the two of you getting along so well.

“Dude I told you they’d get along!” Noah Hanifin says slapping a hand over Matthew’s shoulder. He doesn’t hear him come over to where he stood leaning against the bar watching you and Macy dancing together, so it startled him at first.

“I knew they probably would, it’s just if they didn’t,” Matthew stops for a moment staring down at his drink. “I wouldn’t be able to choose.”

“Why would you have to choose?” Noah doesn’t get it, and Matthew isn’t sure the answer really.

“Every time I’ve been seeing a girl they always get weird once they finally meet y/n. Most of them just can’t handle the fact I’m so close to a girl.” He shrugs, and Noah sends him a knowing smile.

“So you’ve never told me, were the two of you ever a thing?” Noah asks, taking a drink of the beer in his hand.

Matthew throws his head back laughing loudly. “Seriously Hanifin? You’ve met the two of us right? We have been friends forever. Nothing else.”

“You’ve never even just hooked up? I don’t know, you two just fit so well together I assumed you would have tried it out at least once.” Noah shrugs.

“No way!” Matthew chuckles awkwardly, wanting the conversation to end.

As the two friends lean against the bar in silence, his eyes fall on you. You’re wearing a cute little black dress similar to the one you’d worn the day he thought he’d lost you.

It is your birthday, and Matthew can’t wait to give you the present he bought you weeks ago. It is a miracle he kept it a secret this long. Sure your party isn’t for another hour or so, but he can at least help everyone get ready. That way he can give you your present sooner, and without the prying eyes of your mutual friends.

So here he was walking up to your front door, the little velvet box tucked inside his backpack. Inside it a beautiful gold necklace, the pendant a simple letter ‘M’. Sure, maybe it was cheesy, but you love cheesy. As for Matthew he loves seeing you happy, and he loves you.

“Hey Matthew honey! Y/n is in her room.” Your mother greets him as he comes through the front door. He exchanges a quick hello and starts up the stairs to your room.

Matthew takes a shaky breath, trying to steady his breathing. His heart is racing, why is he so nervous? He tries to convince himself it is just because he wants you to like the gift and not because he has feelings for you. When he finally pushes open your door though, all of the air he had just tried to hold onto, leaves his body immediately. There you are. Standing in front of your mirror, back to him. Your hair curled loosely, and wearing nothing but a set of navy blue lingerie. Matthew is frozen, unable to speak. His eyes rake over your body, even though he knows it is wrong. You look good. So good in fact, Matthew’s pants have tightened considerably since he stepped through your door.

“Oh fuck!” He groans, eyes widening as he finally realizes the gravity of the situation. He watches you spin around, horror and embarrassment clear on your face.

“MATTHEW JESUS CHRIST GET OUT!” You yell, you sound so angry to Matthew. He is immediately embarrassed. Embarrassed to be caught, but mostly embarrassed by the affect you have on him.

Matthew runs home. He pleads with Brady to just put his name on the gift he is bringing, and to let you know he isn’t feeling well. The truth is, he doesn’t feel well. He is scared. Scared everything has to change. The two of you don’t talk all weekend, but maybe Matthew stalks your Instagram to make sure you have a good birthday.

However, the following Monday the two of you fall back into your normal routine. The incident is never brought up again, aside from in Matthew’s dreams that is.

Matthew shakes his head, trying to physically rid it of the memory. He smiles sadly down at his drink knowing that the necklace he bought you that year now sits safely in a box on the top shelf of his closet. He never got to give it to you.

“What ‘cha thinkin’ ‘bout space cadet?” You grin up at him. He smiles back at you, and throws his arm around your shoulder. Subconsciously he scans the room for Macy. “Chill out Matty she’s in the bathroom. You looking to dip on me already? I mean how can I blame you? If I got to go home with someone THAT hot I’d be leaving as soon as I could.”

“I’m not trying to dip!” He shoots back in defence.

“Okay! Okay! Cool it Chucky! I’m just teasing. I like her a lot! Why were you so worried?” You wrap an arm around his waist as he pulls you tighter into his side.

“Dunno. I guess your opinion is kind of important to me. Wouldn’t wanna displease my sidekick.” He smirks down at you.

“Oh please! If anyone is the sidekick here it’s you Tkachuk! Know your place.” You tease, as Macy finds her way over to the two of you. “He’s getting on my nerves! He’s your problem now. Have fun lovebirds!” You wink at them as you slip away. You need another drink, something hard. You also need someone to take home tonight. So you wouldn’t have to think about Matthew and Macy.

You like her. She is perfect for him, and she makes him happy. That’s what you want. It doesn’t mean you don’t wish it was you.

————

The next morning Matthew makes his way back to his own apartment. He had spent the night at Macy’s, but decides to get home early as his parents and siblings are going to be in town later in the day. When he turns down the hall, he notices the guy leaning against your doorframe. He can’t see you, but he can hear your laugh. “I’ll see you later yeah?” Nathan says leaning in to press a kiss to your lips.

“Um sure. Yeah.” You immediately start beating yourself up internally for how awkward that sounded. Sure Nathan is sweet, and last night was great! He just doesn’t feel right.

You say your final goodbyes, and promise to text him later before you close your door. Little do you know, your best friend is waiting in the hallway to greet your new friend. “Fun night fella?” Matthew smirks at him.

His eyes go wide as he realized who exactly it is standing in front of him. Matthew’s ego inflates significantly at how terrified this guy seems. “Uh yeah it was alright.” Nathan manages to stammer out.

“She’s something isn’t she? I’m Matthew.” Matt sticks his hand out for the stranger.

“Nathan, and uh yeah she’s great.” The two continue awkward small talk for a couple seconds longer before Matthew lets himself into your apartment.

“So Michael huh?” Matthew grins over at you. You roll your eyes, taking a long drink of your coffee from where you stand leaning against the counter.

“It’s Nathan, but you knew that smart ass. What about him?” You challenge, slightly annoyed that he had to show up and give you a hard time. Matthew just shrugs walking over to you, pushing himself up onto the counter beside you.

“He just doesn’t seem like your type.”

“Matty, how the hell would you even know what my type is?” You cross your arms glaring at him.

“He’s skinny, and he is definitely vanilla as all hell. Sure those aren’t bad things, but you and I both know you want a strong man to be in control. Only in the bedroom of course.” He adds with a wink. Your cheeks flame in response, shoving him. He’s exactly right. Nathan was a little scrawny, and not overly confident in the bedroom. Sure he was great, but he wasn’t Matthew. You curse yourself for even thinking about your friend that way. Your best friend that’s all he is.

“Matthew, get out of my apartment. Your family will be here soon, and I need to get ready to see my favourite Tkachuk.” You tease back. He rolls his eyes, but says nothing as he slips from the counter making his way out of your apartment.

You let out a breath you didn’t know you were holding as the door shuts behind him. You need to start distancing yourself from him before things get out of hand.

————

“Y/N!!!” Brady gathers you up in a hug before you even have the chance to close Matthew’s door.

“Hey Brady” you giggle into his hair. He sets you down after giving you a quick spin, pressing a soft kiss to your hairline.

“How’ve you been bug?” He asks, throwing an arm over your shoulder after you finally shut the door. Him and Matthew have called you the dumb nickname for a long time, and at this point it hardly bothers you. You and Brady were always really close, but it was never the same as you and Matthew. He was more like a brother for you, one you annoy, share all your secrets with (especially if they involved boys), and also gave him a hard time. With Matthew, sure you annoy each other, and share secrets, but you and Matthew were a team. Inseparable. It doesn’t make sense, even to you, but you did love them both.

“Not too bad, trying to keep Mr. Hotshot in check. The usual. Though I’ve had some help recently, so honestly I’ve been a little bored.” You quip loud enough for Matthew to hear. Judging by the look on Matthews face though, he hadn’t missed any of the interaction.

“Oh get a room already would you!” He grumbles rolling his eyes and walking away. You and Brady share a look, and he shrugs to signal he’s just as confused as you.

Brady leads you to the couch, and you sit down. The two of you already deep in conversation, catching up on your lives. Taryn finds her way to the couch soon after joining in on your conversation. “So what’s she like?” Taryn asks after awhile.

“Macy?” You ask, and the two siblings nod at you expectantly. “She’s really great! She’s kind, smart, and not to mention a total bombshell! She is perfect for Matthew, I’m happy for them.” Brady just looks at you with a sad smile.

You want to tell him that it’s the truth, that you actually love her to death. Something stops you though, you’re not sure why, but you stay quiet.

Soon after Macy knocks on the door. Matthew runs to answer it before either of his siblings can even react. When you see her, your heart nearly stops. Once again you are in awe of just how beautiful she is. You stay rooted in your spot on the couch as the Tkachuk family takes turns fawning over her. For the first time ever, you felt out of place. You’ve spent the better part of a decade being that girl, the one the whole family raves about. The family chirping Matthew about what a miracle it was you stuck around. Sure it got old fast, but you loved it. Now you can’t help the jealousy that spreads it’s roots through your heart.

After the dinner, if you could even call delivered Chinese food that, you pull Matthew aside after the others make their way to the living room. “Hey Matt, I’m gonna head home I’m kinda tired.”

“String bean do that much damage Y/n/n?” He smirks down at you, and your face twists a little unable to find the humour in his friendly chirp. Matthew’s smirk quickly falls from his face. “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah ‘m fine Matty. I’m just gonna go okay? I’ll talk to you tomorrow yeah? Tell everyone I’m glad I got to see them.” You muster a small smile as you turn towards the door. “You’re not gonna say bye yourself?”

“They’re having fun Matt.” You send him a better smile at that, trying to let him know everything is okay. You feel far from okay though, and you can’t even explain why. “And you should be too! Now get in there before Brady talks Macy into finding someone better!” You give him a playful shove towards the chatter in the living room. Thankfully Matthew chuckles at that, and let’s you go.

He watches you closely as you leave, and he feels guilty. Running through his mind everything that might have made you want to leave. Was it Brady? Was it him?

God it was killing him, and that was evident on his face as he walks into the living room. Brady catching his eye as soon as he did, noticing the frown that Matthew quickly covers with a smile. “Y/n told me to let you know she was heading home for the night, and she was so happy to see you all. Except Brady of course.”

“Awe well I wish you let us know before she left Matt, we hardly see that girl anymore.” Chantal spoke, but Matthew barely heard her. All he could focus on was the glare Brady was sending him. Matthew just shrugs at his brother, his form of silent communication to let Brady know he doesn’t know what he was upset about. Brady responded with his own silent gesture, a head nod in the direction of the kitchen.

As he peels himself from the chair he was seated in, Brady makes his way silently to the kitchen. Matthew follows, hand rubbing at the back of his neck awkwardly once the two brothers are finally alone. “Why did she really leave? What did you say to her?” Brady was quick to jump on Matthew with questions, that if he were honest, Matthew was not expecting.

“What the fuck are you talking about? She was tired so she went home.” Matthew throws back, already angry his brother assumes it was his fault.

“It’s Y/n we are talking about! That girl has been around for years, I’ve seen her pass out at our kitchen table on family game night. She’d sooner fall asleep on the couch and spend as much time with us as she could than to just leave. And without saying good bye? Seriously dude what the hell did you say?” Brady was trying to keep his voice down, but he was upset. You were his friend too.

“Nothing! And how could I? She spent all night talking to you! She’s probably just going home to sleep with that idiot Nathan anyway.” Matthew grumbles. Brady freezes at his brothers statement. “Nathan?”

“Yeah some guy she took home from the bar last night.” Matthew explains like it was common knowledge, “he seems like an idiot.”

“Matt are you jealous?” Brady asks, a shit eating grin plastered on his face. Matthew rolls his eyes and groans out loud. “Brady are you stupid? No wait don’t answer that, you are. Y/n is my best friend. She can sleep with whoever she wants whenever she wants. I have a girlfriend.” Matthew’s fists clench at his sides, and Brady’s eyes flicker down to them briefly.

“Well the two of you need to figure your shit out.” Brady adds, turning on his heels and heading back to his spot in the living room. Matthew unclenches his fists, and takes a deep breath before joining the rest of his family again.

———

You sit on your bed, legs tucked under you, leaning back against the headboard. You press Brady’s contact, and watch as the phone rings. You didn’t FaceTime Brady often, but this was necessary. “What’s up bug?” Brady’s smile immediately makes you feel less anxious.

“Well it’s kind of a long story, I’ve been seeing this guy for a couple months now. He’s great, but I don’t really know how to introduce him to Matt without him being weird about it.” You chew your bottom lip anxiously, cheeks warm with embarrassment. It sounds so stupid to say it out loud. Brady’s laughing pulls you out of your spiral. “What’s so funny? Brady I’m serious Matthew makes everything so awkward!”

Finally Brady manages to catch his breath. “Y/n I had basically this exact same conversation about four months ago with Matt. You two are literally impossible! You’re best friends, you just want each other to be happy. As for Nathan-“

“How do you know his name? I never told you that?” Your dumbfounded expression has Brady in hysterics once again. “Matthew.” You groan, finally having pieced it all together. You mumble something about having to go before you end the conversation with Brady. You pull on an old hoodie of Matthew’s that’s slightly too big for you, and quickly make your way to Matthew’s apartment.

You let yourself in, like you always have. Instead of being met by Matt playing video games like you expected, you’re met with a much more horrifying image. Matt has Macy pinned to the couch, and let’s just say they aren’t having a wrestling match. The noise of shock that escapes you alerts the couple of your presence. “Y/n!” Matthew exclaimes quickly crawling off of Macy. He grabs the nearest throw pillow covering his junk with it awkwardly.

After far too long of gaping at the couple you manage to snap out of it, turning back to head for the door again. “Oh my god! I’m so sorry! I didn’t- oh Jesus! Pretend I was never here I’m sorry!” You’re out of his apartment in record time. Collapsing just inside your apartment door, tears stinging your eyes. The embarrassment was overwhelming, how were you supposed to face either of them ever again?

———

“Well fuck!” Matthew groans after the door slams shut behind you. Macy starts giggling from her place on the couch, and Matthew sends her a glare.

“Oh loosen up tough guy! At least you’re even now!” She shoots back wiggling her eyebrows at him. Matthew stands frozen in his place. “What are you talking about?”

“Her 17th birthday Matthew, do you actually not remember that?” Macy let’s out an awkward laugh, as she watches the pain on Matt’s face. “She told you that?” Matthew is angry, and he knows he shouldn’t be. Why would you tell his girlfriend about that when you have never even talked to him about it? He’s your best friend.

Macy just nods, slightly scared to actually admit it out loud. Matthew lets out a small ‘oh.’ before leaving the room. He emerges a few minutes later fully clothed to find Macy gathering her things to leave.

“I’m sorry you don’t have to leave.” Matthew mumbles, but he only half means it. Sure he doesn’t want her to leave, but he needs to talk to you. Needs to make this right.

“Go talk to her Matty, seriously. Figure it out, I’m not sure why it made you so upset that she just walked in here. What did you expect? She always does. Set some boundaries maybe? You’re a grown man Matthew, it’s not my job to play the parent and fix whatever is happening here.” Macy huffs, slamming the door just as hard as you had not long before. Why was everyone so upset with him? First Brady, then you, now Macy too? What was he doing wrong? And why did the get so upset about Macy bringing up your 17th birthday?

Matthew tries not to get caught up in his mind too long. Instead he roots through his closet shelves looking for your birthday present. Sure maybe it was 6 years late, but how else could he make up for the awkward night?

———

You are laying on your living room floor when Matthew lets himself into your apartment. “What are you doing on the floor?” Matthew chuckles, leaning against the wall closest to you.

“‘M not sure.” You mumble, unable to look at him. Instead you study a paint chip directly above you. You hear Matthew set something down before he pushes your coffee table a few feet away. He then drops himself next to you rather ungracefully, tucking an arm behind his head. “I’m sorry I didn’t knock.” You say quietly, so quietly in fact Matthew almost doesn’t hear it. He does though and he turns his head to face you.

You turn towards him, taking in his features for the first time since he entered your apartment. The sad smile on his face knocks the wind out of you for a moment, as you get lost in his blue eyes. “When have you and I ever knocked? I should’ve put a sock on the door handle.” He chirps back, sealing it with a wink. You laugh lightly at his comment, and turn your gaze back to the paint chip.

The two of you stay like that for awhile. Staring at a paint chip, in total silence. Your thoughts consuming you, as the tension seems to grow thicker by the second. You’re not sure how long passed before Matthew breaks the silence, but it was long enough that it startled you when he does. “At least we are even now. Though I’m pretty sure you got to see a lot more than I did.”

Lifting yourself up onto your forearms you turn to him again, eyebrows furrowing in confusion. “What are you talking about?”

“Well, I thought you’d forgotten. Or maybe you just didn’t want to talk about it with me because you were so angry. I just can’t believe you talked about it with Macy and not me.” He rambles on, but now it was him refusing to look at you. He looks hurt, and your mind races trying to put the pieces together. Then it hits you.

“My birthday.” You say, more to yourself than Matthew, but he nods finally meeting your gaze. “I’m sorry Matt, I just thought if I told her that story it would ease her mind about us. I was too scared to bring it up to you, and then so much time had passed it felt wrong to even talk about it.” Your confession causes Matthew to look even more confused. “Ease her mind? How would that story ease her mind?”

So you tell him. You tell him about how, like everyone else who has met the two of you, Macy assumed something had happened between you. A kiss. A relationship. A hookup. Something. “So I told her the story so she’d understand that even at 17 you were appalled by the sight of me, and how embarrassed I had been. And I told her that was our one and only ‘intimate’ experience.” You make sure to throw air quotes around the term intimate. Your explanation however, did not seem to make Matthew feel better.

“Are you serious? Not once in my life have I ever been ‘appalled’ by your appearance.” He looks extremely offended as he uses air quotes in the most mocking way possible. “Why would you even think that?” You laugh at that, though there is very little humour behind it.

“Matthew, we were 17. I’m not much to look at now, and back then?” You wince at the mere thought of your 17 year old body. “I certainly never had anything like the girls you were into Matty. I’m not stupid it’s okay.” He stares at you now. Mouth open slightly, eyes scanning your face. Waiting, hoping you’d say you were joking. Admit you didn’t see yourself as less than any girl Matthew had ever been with, but you don’t. Instead you stare right back at him, an emotion swimming in your eyes Matthew can’t quite place.

“You really think I ran away because I was grossed out by that whole encounter?” He askes, and you nod. Your eyes dropping to the floor. Matthew lets out a deep laugh, and falls back against the floor again. “Y/n. That is so incredibly far from the truth! I was embarrassed, so embarrassed that I ran the whole way home and locked myself in my room. I then pleaded with Brady to just go without me, and put my name on his gift because I thought you were mad at me. I thought you looked incredible, in fact I don’t think I’ve ever sprung a boner so fast in my life.” Your stomach flutters at his confession. The thought of Matthew thinking about you like that made the want you’d been pushing down for years start to bubble up again. You can’t bring yourself to respond, instead you pick absentmindedly at a loose thread on your shorts. Matthew lets out a loud groan, pulling himself up off the floor entirely.

“Sorry if that made this weird. I hope you understand that you shouldn’t ever compare yourself to any girl. You’re amazing y/n.” You smile up at him and mumble a thank you. It takes everything in you to will away the tears that begin to form in your eyes. “If you don’t believe my story,” Matthew nods to a small box sitting on the coffee table he’d moved earlier. “that is the birthday present I planned to give you that day. It’s the whole reason I walked into your room that day, I wanted you to have it before everyone else showed up.”

With that, Matthew is gone again. A single tear rolls down your cheek as you take in the small box, wrapped in pink wrapping paper. Poorly wrapped you might add. You stand up grabbing the box and a blanket. Wrapping yourself tightly in the blanket, you fall back against the couch examining the package closely.

After twenty minutes of staring at it, you peel away the pink paper with trembling fingers. The dark velvet box, has a sticky note stuck to the top. As you read it, the tears start to fall steadily.

Happy Birthday! I hope you know just how much you mean to me. Hopefully this gift will mean that you never forget me. Love you bug xx-Matty

The little heart he drew at the end pulls a sob out of you. Contrary to the sobs now wracking your body, a smile forms on your face. Slowly, you flip open the small box. Gasping loudly, the box slips from your grasp as both hands come to your face. Although moments ago you wouldn’t have thought it possible, you cry harder now. The necklace is simply beautiful. The small golden ‘M’ makes your heart soar, and break simultaneously.

Your mind runs in circles now. Had you received the gift on the day you were intended to, would things be different? The gift seems more than platonic. You need to confide in someone. You had no idea who to call. You can’t call Brady, he wouldn’t understand. You most definitely can’t call Macy.

Without even thinking you pick up your phone and press on one contact. The phone rings as you press it to your ear. “Hello?”

“It’s beautiful Matt, but it’s too much I can’t take this.” Your voice is shaking and you hope he can’t hear it. Your heart is racing, mind spinning, and nausea swirls through you.

“Y/n/n, keep it please. I bought it years ago, I can’t return it. You’re still my best friend and I want you to have it. We are still friends...” Matthew pauses for a moment, “right?”

“Of course!” You say trying to fight off the urge to tell him you aren’t. You of course would always be friends, but you don’t want that anymore. You can’t continue being a third wheel. “Actually that’s why I went over earlier. I wanted to invite you and Macy out to dinner. Tomorrow night. With me and my boyfriend. If you’re free of course!”

You couldn’t sound more awkward if you tried, but Matthew agrees. You make plans to meet at your favourite diner the following evening, and then say goodnight.

Matthew doesn’t need to know that you slipped the gold chain on after hanging up. Just like you don’t need to know Matthew was currently canceling plans he had previously made with Macy.

———

“Matthew this is-“ You start to introduce the two men standing in front of you, but Matthew quickly interrupts.

“Nathan I know. Nice to uh- see you again I guess?” Nathan let’s out an awkward chuckle as he shakes Matthews hand. “Anyways!” You say breaking the awkward silence that fills the space around you. “Where is Macy anyway?” You ask, taking your seat at the table. Both guys follow suit, and Matthews gaze finally falls to you.

“She sends her apologies, something came up with work. You’re stuck with just me tonight.” He says, sending a wink in Nathan’s direction.

“Tkachuk I swear to god. Be a pest on the ice all you want, but can we for once have a civil meal?” You glare at him across the table, and Nathan sets a hand gently on your shoulder.

“Don’t worry babe, he’s just having some fun.” Nathan says reassuringly. You smile at him, but the smile quickly fades when Matthew speaks up again. “Yeah babe, we’re just having fun.” He laughs mockingly.

Dinner continues a lot like that. Back and forth, both men trying to prove something. Nathan trying to prove to Matthew that he isn’t temporary. Matthew trying to prove to Nathan, that Matthew is a constant in your life and can end this in a second if he wanted. Whatever this was. The pair even argue over who would pay the bill. You end up paying it yourself, as you leave the testosterone at the table to battle it out.

Nathan has to get home, as he has work early tomorrow. So of course Matthew takes it upon himself the drive you back home. The ride is silent, and you fiddle with the chain around your neck the whole way. No words are spoken until Matthew puts the car in park. “String bean know you’re wearing my initial?” He smirks, eyes falling to where your hands still tug at the chain.

“What’s your issue with him?” You spit, anger getting the better of you. “I was nothing but accepting of Macy. I befriended her for you Matthew! Why can you not for once just be nice and do this one thing for me?” You don’t wait for his response, instead you throw yourself out of the vehicle. You forego the elevator, choosing instead to take the stairs to get to your apartment as fast as you can. Once there you slam your door, and bang your forehead against the back of the door.

After a moment of just leaning against the inside of the door a small knock sounds from the other side. “Go away.” You grumble, knowing exactly who is on the other side.

“Bug. Please just listen.” He pauses for a moment and you just let out a shaky breath. “I’m scared you’re settling. I want you to be happy, but I get the feeling he’s not it. I’m sorry I was rude, that was a dick move. I just really care about you, and just because I know I could totally take string bean in a fight, doesn’t mean I want to. I know you’re lonely, and you’re feeling like a third wheel. You’re allowed to date Bug, but I want you to be happy and loved. If it’s really string be- Nathan.” He corrects himself, “If it’s really Nathan you want, then great! I’ll apologize to him, and we can move on. But Y/n, I think you and I both know he’s not. Find what you want and go get it. You deserve it.” Tears are flowing silently down your cheeks. Matt is right. Nathan is not what you want, he never will be. It’s Matt, it’s always been Matt.

After a minute or two of trying to compose yourself, you really think about Matthew’s words. Find what you want and go get it. He’s right, how can you ever be happy if you don’t at least try to chase what you want? So with that you fling open your door, ready to run into Matthew’s arms. To tell him how you feel, to tell him that it’s him you want.

As if the world was trying to play a cruel trick on you, it’s not Matt’s arms you’re greeted with. Instead of being held tightly in his warm embrace, you find yourself surrounded by a cold and empty hallway. It’s so quiet, you can practically hear the sound of your heart breaking all over again. You laugh humourlessly at how stupid you feel. You had hoped Matt’s words of encouragement were a sign. A sign that he could see your harboured feelings, and wanted nothing more than for you to act on them.

Matt watches you through the peephole in his apartment door, heart shattering as you shrink back into your apartment. Nothing was fixed. Macy had told him to fix this, but he’d only manage to make it worse.

———

“Why’d you call her that?” Macy presses, moments after her and Matt walk into his apartment. Matthew shrugs, which is not helping the situation. He could just be honest, and tell Macy that he and Brady had always called you bug.

It all started one summer afternoon when you had thrown a total fit after Brady had pointed out a bug had landed in your hair. For months Brady and Matthew would randomly yell ‘BUG!’ while pointing at you to get a reaction. At some point they just started calling you bug. It was stupid and platonic. At least it was for Brady. The way Matthew said it was always different. It gave you butterflies, and Matthew would be lying if he said he didn’t love the pet name.

“It’s just a nickname.” He defends, walking to the kitchen. She follows closely behind him, watching closely as he grabs a bottle of water from the fridge. He leans against the counter taking a long drink, as Macy stands with her arms crossed waiting for more. Matthew was getting frustrated with the whole situation. “Are you seriously upset about me calling her bug?” He asks in disbelief.

Macy shakes her head, laughing humourlessly with a roll of her eyes. “No Matthew. I’m not. It’s a cute little nickname and that’s absolutely fine. It’s the fact that when she’s around you’re different. It’s like you’re scared to stand too close to me, like she might be upset about it. You tiptoe around her, you didn’t even want to tell her about me Matt. Are you ashamed of me?” The emotion evident in Macy’s eyes, is something Matt hasn’t seen from her before. Something he wasn’t expecting.

“Macy, I am not ashamed of you at all. I-it’s just that Y/n has no one in Calgary, and I’ve always been her bestfriend. When I started seeing you I was scared she’d cling to whoever she felt could fill the spot I had to step back from. And she did, and she isn’t happy with him. I’m sorry that you suffered because of it.” He tries to explain, walking to the girl standing in front of him. He grabs her hips and places a kiss to her temple as tears threate to slip down her cheeks.

“I’m your girlfriend Matt. Start acting like it.”

———

“How did it go?” Brady asks, his goofy smile way too close to the screen. He FaceTimed you a few times a month usually. Checking in, on you and Matt both. He knows you had gone to dinner with Matt and Nathan two nights ago now. You know he called looking to say ‘I told you so’, but you know he won’t be able to. This was one time you truly wish he could.

“Uh it. Well, it wasn’t great.” You frown, and Brady’s smile quickly falls as well. “Nathan and I broke up.”

“WHAT!? Do I have to fight a man, because I have done it before and I’ll do it again?” He jokes to lighten the mood that quickly shifted.

“I actually broke up with him...” Brady’s face twists in confusion. Trying to piece together what he’s missing. A week ago you were so stressed out about Matthew not liking this guy, that you didn’t even want them to meet. Now you had broken up with him? Needless to say Brady was baffled. “He wasn’t what I wanted, I was settling.” You mumble a little embarrassed, as you fiddle with the chain that hasn’t left your neck.

“Y/n... you have to move on.” Brady says gently. Certainly not the reaction you were expecting.

“Brady, I’m fine. I broke up with him. I’m over Nathan, honestly there was nothing to get over.” You shake your head, bringing a smile to your face to emphasize the fact you are okay.

“Not Nathan.” Brady sighs shaking his head. It doesn’t make sense, but judging by the serious tone of his voice and the gentle smile. You aren’t going to like where this was going. “You need to get over Matthew.”

The minute the words leave his mouth you want to scream and cry. Tell him he’s wrong, and an asshole for even assuming that. You want to tell him he’s right. To ask him for help. You want to ask him why you have to get over him, and explain that you can’t. You want to ask him so many questions, but only one comes out; “Why have I never been good enough for him Brady?” You’re crying now. No actually, you’re sobbing. You’re inconsolable, and Brady is in Ottawa.

“Y/n it’s not like that.” He doesn’t know how to let you down easy. How can he explain that Matthew loves everything about you, but would never love you the way you love him? How can someone explain that you were exactly what Matthew wants, and that’s why you’ll never be his. Matthew can’t lose you. He can’t wreck what you have. Brady doesn’t know that Matthew used to want you that way. All he knows is that anytime he, Chantal, Taryn, or Keith brought it up Matthew would laugh and say he could never date you. You are his bestfriend. The truth is, Matthew knows he isn’t good enough. Not for you. No one ever will be. You are perfect to him.

“Forget it.” You bark, more aggressively than Brady deserves, but you are hurt. You have never talked to anyone about how you feel about Matthew. Having Brady call you out like that terrifies you. Who else knows? Taryn? Chantal? Does Matthew know? Just the thought of it makes your stomach churn. You immediately end the FaceTime call, not allowing Brady to say anything else.

He tries calling back. You ignore him, just like you ignore the constant stream of texts. He even has Taryn trying to get ahold of you. Of course he does. You shut off your phone, and curl up on your couch. The bad reality tv show playing softly in the background can’t even keep your attention. You instead, stare at the coffee table. It’s still pushed farther to one side of your living room, right where Matt left it. You continue to stare at it, your whole body feeling numb, until finally sleep takes over.

———

Matthew knows something is up as soon as Brady calls him. “What happened Brady?” Matthew asks, concern for you beating out any rational thoughts. He knows how pathetic he sounds, and prays his brother doesn’t pick up on it. As soon as Brady mentions your name, Matthew demands more information, but Brady won’t tell him what happened.

“I’m sure she’s fine Matt, I just upset her and now she won’t answer my calls. Please just check on her and tell her I’m sorry.” Brady says, before abruptly being hung up on. Again.

Matthew quickly makes his way to your door, and lets himself in. Sure he should knock, but he knows if you are upset you likely won’t answer anyway. The sight that meets Matthew when he enters your apartment makes his heart burst. There you are, curled up in a blanket fast asleep, hand clutching the pendant around your neck. He tries his best to stop the feeling in his gut as he realizes how domestic this moment feels.

Matthew gathers you in his arms as gently as he can, and carries you to your bedroom. As he lays you down, you adjust yourself slightly, but it is clear you are out like a light. “You’ll find him bug.” Matt whispers as he places a gentle kiss to your hairline. “The perfect guy is going to come along and sweep you off your feet. You’ll have that big wedding you’ve always wanted, a couple beautiful little babies, and I’ll be there cheering you on. You’re perfect bug, never settle.” Matthew fights back the lump that forms in his throat, as he pushes the hair gently from your face. “I wish it could’ve been me.” He says it so quietly that if you had been awake you still may not have heard him. So he leaves, pushing all those thoughts away and trying to remember that you’ll always be his best friend. Just his best friend.

———

“Well if it isn’t Matthew’s better half!” Mark greets you as you find your way into the backyard. You somehow got an invite to the teams’ end of the season BBQ, and now here you are already getting chirped by the captain.

“Easy there Gio, Matt has a girlfriend now remember?” You joke back with a wink, but you feel a twinge of sadness. You don’t have much time to think about it though, as the captain throws his arm over your shoulder and leans down to whisper in your ear. “I’ve always liked you better though, not sure why he’d pass up on you.” The blush that floods your cheeks makes your whole body feel hot with embarrassment. You know he’s joking, but it does feel good to hear it.

Mark leads you deeper into the yard, as you say hi to everyone. “There she is!” Your head snaps around quickly as you hear Matt’s voice. As soon as your eyes land on him, you notice his are already on you. “Hey Matty!” You greet with a smile as he wraps you in his arms. He smells like sweat and beer, and he refuses to let you out of his grasp. That is until you hear someone clear their throat, and he pulls away awkwardly.

“Macy! How’ve you been?” You greet her with a big smile and pull her into a hug. She responds quietly, and soon after excuses herself to get a drink. You send Matt a questioning look, but he only shrugs and drags you to the beer pong table announcing you are his partner.

That’s how your afternoon goes, beating everyone in beer pong with Matt as your partner. You’re slowly getting tipsy, and subsequently warmer. Peeling your top off, Johnny Gaudreau whistles loudly from across the table. You are wearing a pretty revealing red bikini top, but given the fact you are slightly intoxicated Johnny’s reaction doesn’t bother you. In fact it is welcomed as you send him a wink.

“Hey Gaudreau! How about you stop staring at my friends chest and throw the damn ball?” Matt growls beside you. You bump your hip with his, and furrow your brows at him silently asking if he’s okay. He shakes his head gently in dismissal as he smiles at you.

Macy sits quietly to your left, watching you all play. She watches the way Matt places his hands on your hips to help you get in position. Watches as he lifts you into the air spinning you around after you win a round. Watches as Matthew tries to advert his gaze as you peel your shirt off, his neck turning red, and not because of the hot sun. The straw for Macy was when she seew the emotions on Matt’s face as Johnny hits on you. His entire body tensing, as he grips the edge of the table. Why was he so protective of you? Would Matthew not be happy if two of his best friends dated? It is in that moment that it becomes clear to her. It has nothing to do with him not wanting you to be with Johnny. He wants you to be with him.

———

“Everything okay? You’ve barely said a thing to me all day.” Matt asks when he and Macy finally make it back to his apartment. She sighs loudly, starting to gather anything of hers laying around the apartment.

“You were busy having fun Matt, I wouldn’t want to get in the way of that. Or anything for that matter.” She responds, though her words only confuse him more. She just sends a soft smile in his direction as she shoves more things into her bag.

“Aren’t you staying?” He asks, a small pout forming on his face. Macy shakes her head, turning toward Matt. Her face is apologetic, but mostly unreadable to Matthew.

“You know you’re in love with her right?” Macy blurts out, and quickly clarifies. “Y/n, you love her.”

“Since when?” Matthew shoots back, way too defensively.

“Since pretty much always. That’s why I’m breaking up with you.” She smiles sadly closing the distance between the two. Placing a small kiss to his cheek, she whispers a small apology.

Matthew opens his mouth to protest, ask her to stay. Tell her she’s wrong, and that he loves her, not you. He can’t though, because it would be a lie. She knows it, and so does he. So he watches as she leaves, an uneasy feeling in his stomach as a single tear falls down his face. What has he done?

———

You decide to take a few summer classes to help make your work load for the upcoming school year a little more manageable. Choosing to stay in Calgary for the summer, instead of traveling back to St. Louis with Matthew to see your family. Matthew tries to convince you to go, but you tell him you can’t. You need some distance from him anyway.

———

It was distance you got. You barely talk to him all summer, and tonight will be the first time you’ve seen him since that night at the BBQ.

“How is Matthew doing?” Elias’ girlfriend Annica asks you, as the two of you take your seats at the home opener. You shrug and sigh taking a sip of your drink. “I don’t know, I’ve barely spoken to him since the BBQ at Gio’s.” You admit, a small frown on your face.

“Wait? Did he not tell you!?” She practically shrieks in your ear. You just give her a confused look, a wide smile stretching across her face. “About him and Macy!”

Immediately your stomach drops. You brace yourself for the announcement. Maybe they’ve moved in together? Got engaged? Having a baby? All of the thoughts make you feel sick, but you smile over at Annica trying to hide your emotions. “No I haven’t spoken to either of them really. What are they finally tying the knot?” You try and joke, but really you’re terrified of the answer. Annica’s face falls slightly. Confusion written all over her face.

“They broke up.” Annica explains in a light tone. Almost as if she was explaining it to a child. “Oh.” Was all you manage to choke out, as Annica watches you. She’s waiting for more of a reaction, but you can only sit in shock. What happened? Why didn’t he tell you? Why did no one tell you?

You can barely sit still through the game, you’re mind is running wild. Why had Matt not talked to you about this? Why had he barely spoken to you at all? Was he okay? Who broke up with who? Why do you care so much? Soon enough though all of your questions will be answered. You are standing next to Annica outside the locker rooms, tapping your foot nervously. She asks if you are okay, and all you can do is nod. Elias makes his way out of the dressing room and over to you. He gives you both a quick hug and you congratulate him on their win. “Matt will be out in a few minutes.” He smiles at you, and you tell the couple to have a good night as they leave. Gio and Johnny both stop to talk to you on their way out.

Johnny hangs back and waits with you. “How was your summer? Finally got a break from the pest I hear.” He teases, leaning against the wall beside you. You smirk up at him, “My summer was great! Significantly quieter than I’m used to, but I enjoyed it. It’s nice to see you again though, how was your summer?” He smiles brightly down at you as he launches into some long story about how crazy his training was. You try to listen, and seem interested, but that becomes significantly harder as Matthew finally comes out of the dressing room.

He is wearing a navy blue suit with a white dress shirt. The top three buttons undone, and his tie just draping loosely around his neck. His hair is damp and falls across his forehead, he is staring at his phone still not having noticed you. He almost walks right past you, but you speak up grabbing his attention. “Any time for your biggest fan hotshot?” His eyes snap up from his phone, a grin replacing his previously shocked expression.

“My biggest fan huh?” He smirks pulling you into a tight hug. You grip onto his suit jacket tightly not wanting to let go as you hum into his chest. “That why you’re wearing that necklace?” He teases and you blush trying to hide your face even further in his chest. “Shut up,” You mumble, “I missed you.” He kisses the top of your head mumbling about missing you too. Johnny clears his throat awkwardly, as you quickly pull away from Matthew.

“Well I’m going to head out now, goodnight you two.” Johnny winks at you as he walks away. You turn back towards Matthew to see him smiling down at you, and your stomach drops. A small frown makes its way onto your face as you remember exactly what you came to talk to Matthew about. “Matt, we need to talk.” His face falls a little bit, but he nods and grabs your hand in his. He starts walking further into the building, and you follow. Eyes trained on your hand in his, heart beating rapidly in your chest. You’re so nervous, that you hardly even realize Matthew is leading you up the steps and into two seats in the top row of the arena. As the two of you sit down, you don’t look at him. Instead you stare down at the ice, now only lit by the emergency lights causing a strange glow. You’ve never seen the arena like this, so quiet and lifeless. Your internal thoughts seem amplified in the silence, but you can’t seem to find the words to say what you’re thinking.

You’re not sure how long the two of you sit in silence before Matthew let’s out a sigh, turning towards you. “St. Louis isn’t the same without you.” He says quietly, a sad smile on his face as you finally meet his eyes.

“Why didn’t you tell me about Macy?” You blurt out, face heating up in embarrassment once again. Matt stares at you for a moment, before dropping his eyes to his hands that are now fidgeting in his lap.

“I didn’t know what to say.” He mumbles out, playing with his fingers. You shake your head and sigh, pulling your eyes away from the distracting movements of his hands. You decide to examine the ice once again, wrapping your arms across your chest. You’re trying to brace yourself for how badly this might end.

“You didn’t know how to tell your best friend you broke up with your first really serious girlfriend?” Your voice is probably too accusatory, but you’re hurt. How can he keep so much of his life from you? Your mind is running in circles as you wait for a response, attempting to hold yourself tighter.

“Yeah like it’s that easy!” Matthew’s voice is significantly more angry than you are expecting, and your heart rate increases immediately. “I say ‘We broke up.’ And then you ask a million questions about what happened and why, I didn’t know how to say it!”

You look at him now. His eyes are glossy, and his face is red. In anger or embarrassment? Who knows, maybe both. “Matty, I know you really cared about her. It’s not easy to talk about, but if you’re going to move on you have to talk to someone.” You make sure to keep your voice gentle as you speak, “I want to be that person for you Matt, but if I’m not that’s okay. Just please talk to someone, you can’t stay broken forever.”

Matthew laughs at you, but it doesn’t make you feel better. The laugh is humourless, and you can hear the lack of emotion behind it. “That’s the part I can’t explain Y/n, you don’t get it! I’m not broken about it, and I should be! I was in love!” He’s frustrated now, as he runs his hands over his face and through his hair.

“Matthew, it’s okay. People fall out of love all the time!” You place a hand on his bicep to try and sooth him. It seems to work as you feel his muscles relax under your touch. He sighs softly beside you, as he lifts his eyes to meet yours once again.

“I didn’t fall out of love, I’m still in love.” Your brows furrow in confusion, as you search his eyes for any clue about what could be going on inside his head. “Just not with Macy.”

“T-there’s someone else?” You are taken aback, and now your mind is spinning. Did he cheat on Macy? Who is she? Matthew just nods in response. “Have I met her? Oh my god please don’t tell me it’s like one of the WAGs or something!” You are rambling uncontrollably, unable to comprehend what Matthew is trying to say. “Matthew did you cheat on Mac-“ Thankfully he was quick to cut you off.

“It’s you.”

You freeze. Eyes practically popping out of your skull, you open and close your mouth repeatedly. Sure you might look like a fish out of water, but that’s exactly how you feel. You must have misheard what he is saying. Right? The ‘you’ had to be someone else. The look Matthew is giving you right now though, a look of total honesty, a look that is teetering on the edge of disappointment. That look tells you all you need to know. He means you. He is in love with you.

“Since when?” You croak out. Your entire body is trembling with nerves, still terrified he will take it back. Maybe you’re being punked.

Matthew leans closer to you, uncrossing your arms that were still wrapped tightly across your chest. You can feel your heartbeat in your throat as he takes your trembling hands in his. His hands feel different now, softer. They are so much bigger than your own, and you’ve never noticed until now just how right they felt wrapped around your own.

Matthew releases on of your hands, as he brings one to your chin. He tilts your head so you’re looking into his eyes again. “Since always.” He smiles, pressing his forehead to yours. You subconsciously lick your lips, and Matthew takes that as a sign to lean in. His lips hover just above yours, but he doesn’t close the gap.

“Matty-“ you whine quietly, and he smirks in response.

“What’s wrong bug?” He’s teasing you now, and he knows it.

“I’ve been waiting for this moment since the tenth grade, please just kiss me!” Your pleads are finally answered as Matthew finally presses his lips to yours. It’s firm and certain, and intoxicating. Gripping his suit jacket, you pull him closer deepening the kiss even more. Matthew groans against your lips, one hand cradling your neck, the other gripping your hip tightly.

The kiss starts getting more intense, the years of built up tension and pining being shared in this one kiss. Matthew, despite not wanting to stop, pulls away first. Your lips chase his, not wanting the moment to end. Scared that when it does, you’ll wake up. Like this is all a dream. Or even worse, it’ll end, and Matthew tells you he was wrong.

“Easy tiger!” He chuckles, tucking some hair behind your ear. Matthew is positive you’ve never looked so beautiful. You’re lips are pink and swollen, face flushed lightly, and your eyes are big and bright as they look into his.

“Did you mean it?” You ask quietly, “When you said that you loved me, because Matty I can’t do this if you aren’t in. I can’t lose you.” Tears are stinging your eyes now, as your voice cracks with emotion. You can’t lose your best friend, and that has become more clear to you after not being with him all summer.

“I’m not going anywhere, if that’s what you want.” He looks at you hopefully. Your heart is beating so loudly in your chest, you’re almost positive he can hear it.

“Matthew of course this is what I want. I’ve always wanted you.” You pause momentarily, as you see a small smile spread across his face. His dimples now on full display. “I love you Tkachuk. I always have.”

He wastes no time kissing you again. Your hands tangle in his hair that’s still slightly damp, and his hands cup both of your cheeks. “I’m sorry.” He mumbles against your lips. You push him back, so you can look at him.

“Why are you apologizing?” You’re confused now, as you immediately begin building your walls back up. You’re waiting now, waiting for the other shoe to drop. You know this felt too perfect.

“Because,” he sighs, shoulders slumping under your gaze. “I should have done that so long ago. Instead I let you think you weren’t good enough. I let you go on believing that I didn’t love you. Brady told me about what you said, about not being good enough. I hope you know now that it was never like that. You are, if anything, too good for me. I was scared, and stupid, and I’m sorry I hurt you.”

Your heart breaks a little for him. You can see the remorse and guilt written all over his face. “Well Matthew. I can accept that apology under one condition.” You say teasingly, running your hand over his shoulder giving it a reassuring squeeze. “You take me out on a date.”

Matthew smiles brightly down at you, and places a soft kiss to your forehead. “On one condition.” He whispers, lips still pressed against your skin. “You let me take you out as my girlfriend.”

“Anyone ever told you that you’re just a big sap Tkachuk?” You smirk. You don’t think you’ve ever felt so happy.

“Actually my girlfriend has, just now. She’s kinda cute.” You slap his chest playfully and roll your eyes.

“Take me home Tkachuk.” You announce, pushing yourself to your feet. Matthew copies your actions, adding a little salute to make you laugh. It does the job, and Matthew has you laughing the whole way to his car. As he opens the door for you, you lean into his chest pressing a quick kiss to his lips.

“You’re perfect.” Matthew says after the two of you are finally settled in to your respective seats in his car.

“Since when?” You scoff, rolling your eyes playfully.

“Always.”

#Since When?#matthew tkachuk #nhl imagines #nhl fanfiction #nhl writing #hockey imagines #hockey fanfiction #hockey writing #Matthew Tkachuk imagines #Matthew Tkachuk fanfiction #Matthew Tkachuk writing #Matthew Tkachuk x Reader

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wellimaginethat · 4 years

Text

Close Call

Pairing: Matt Casey x (female) Reader

Requested?: Yes

Word Count: 3355

Author’s Note: So I know this isn’t exactly what the request asked for, I did include how they met and started dating, but I did so in the form of flashbacks and I hope that’s okay.

Trigger Warning(s): Reader got shot, near death experience

Disclaimer: I don’t owe nor am I affiliated with any of the Chicago shows, I just like to play with the characters

Summary: Reader is a cop and gets shot while on the job, causing her longterm boyfriend, Matt, to worry about her and think back on when they first met.

Y/N = Your Name

This wasn’t how you expected your Tuesday to go, but did anything ever go as you planned?

What had seemed like it would be a simple arrest of a suspect turned out into a full blown shootout, resulting in you taking a bullet to the lower left abdomen. You were doing okay for a while, Jay managed to pull you out of the line of fire and get you behind a car, but you were bleeding a lot.

Jay was shooting at the shooters before leaning down to check on you, the look on his face said it all, he was panicking. “You’re gonna be okay, we’re gonna get you out of here, just stay awake.”

“Don’t lie to me.” You barely managed to get out, you were feeling dizzy from the blood loss and your vision was starting to blur.

The last thing you heard before slumping over was a string of curses coming from your partner.

When the call came in for ambo, something in Matt’s gut told him something wasn’t right, and he immediately began to worry about you. Usually he didn’t, but something just didn’t seem right today.

As soon as he got word of what happened to you, he raced over to the hospital.

The two of you met just after you had transferred to Intelligence, barely a year after you had moved to Chicago. You got roped into going out for drinks with your new teammates and that’s how you ended up in Molly’s on that fateful night.

It was nearing two years ago now that you had gone up to the bar, trying to find an empty spot to order another drink, but that was hard considering it was a pretty busy night.

So you decided to try to squeeze in between two complete strangers, one of which bumped into you and practically knocked you into Matt’s lap. He had been taken by surprise but had wrapped his arms around you to keep you from toppling to the floor.

“I’m so sorry!” You quickly told him as you stood up, you could see your teammates out of the corner of your eye, snickering at you. You shook your head some, cheeks heating up.

“It’s all good.” Matt assured you with a slight chuckle.

“I’m really sorry, I was just trying to get a drink and um, yeah.” You glanced away, rubbing the back of your neck. “Sorry.” You mumbled again as you began to walk away.

“You didn’t order your drink.” Matt had reminded you.

You stopped and looked at him, pausing for a bit longer than you should have before responding. “Oh, um, yeah.”

Matt raised a brow at you, trying not to let on how amused he was but you could see it in his eyes. He beckoned you over.

You walked over to resume your spot standing next to him.

“Matt Casey.” He offered out his hand.

You smiled a bit and shook his hand. “Y/N Y/LN.”

“Nice to meet you, Y/N.” Matt smiled at you.

“Likewise.” You told him and ordered your drink when the bartender came over.

“I got that, Herrmann.” Matt told him.

“Oh no, no, you don’t-” You were stopped when Matt looked at you, so you smiled. “Thank you, but you didn’t have to do that.”

“I know, I wanted to.” Matt told you with a smile, taking a drink of his beer.

The two of you ended up talking until the bar closed, at which point you bid him goodbye, but not before giving him your number.

Had you not had liquid courage running through your veins, you probably wouldn’t have given him your number, and the next day you were kicking yourself because you thought you made a fool of yourself. You honestly didn’t think he’d get ahold of you, but he ended up calling you later that day and asked you out on a date.

After that, dates became a regular thing for the two of you, and next thing you knew, you were spending almost all your free time together.

It didn’t take long for the two of you to become exclusive, not that either of you had been seeing anyone else, but the two of you made it official.

Matt and you had one of those easy relationships, it was just so easy to be yourselves with the other, not having to act a certain way or worry about the other judging you. You guys didn’t fight often, but when you did it was usually a small fight over something stupid and you would make up within a day, in the two years the two of you had been together you had only ever had two major fights, but you guys worked them out.

Matt paced back and forth in the waiting room, waiting for any word on your condition. As soon as they got you to the hospital, you were taken straight to the OR for surgery. It had already been an hour and he was insanely worried about you, and it just got worse and worse as time paced.

Jay was sitting in a chair in the same waiting room, elbows on his knees, hands clasped together, and head hung down. He blamed himself for what happened. You were his partner and he was supposed to have your back.

Hailey took a seat next to him. “Hey, what happened isn’t your fault.” She tried to assure him in a soft voice.

Jay shook his head to her, looking at her but not exactly focusing on her because his mind was replaying what happened. “I should’ve seen the shooter.”

“Neither of you had any idea that was gonna happen.” Hailey told him gently.

Jay shook his head. “Doesn’t matter, I should’ve been more aware of our surroundings, if I had then she’d be fine.”

“Stop.” Matt told him, stopping in his tracks to look at Jay. “You and I both know damn well that Y/N wouldn’t want you to blame yourself.” There was pain in his eyes, but his voice was firm.

Jay paused for a moment before nodding to him, although it didn’t really change anything and everyone knew that.

Everyone in that room was worried about losing you. They all loved you, both CPD and CFD alike. And everyone knew that if something were to happen to you, while it would hurt everyone, the two that would hurt the worst would be Matt and Jay.

Your relationship escalated quickly when Matt asked you to move in with him after only six months, but you were convinced this was the real deal, so you had said yes.

“Are you sure you wanna do this?” You had asked him for probably the millionth time.

Matt chuckled and nodded. “Yes, I’m sure.”

“But are you really sure?” You asked him.

“If you don’t wanna-” You were quick to cut him off.

“I want to. I just want to make sure you want me to.” You answered him.

Matt nodded. “I want you to.”

“But are you sure?” You asked again.

Matt huffed a laugh and pulled you into his arms. “I’m sure.” He said softly before pressing a tender kiss to the side of your head. “Now shut up before I change my mind.”

You scoffed in mock offense. “Rude.” You told him, causing him to laugh.

Slowly you began moving your stuff there, which ended up taking three months because of your schedules and the fact that you were still unsure.

“Alright. This is the final box.” You said, standing just outside the apartment door holding a cardboard box that had the last of your clothes in it.

“Should I do a drumroll?” Matt asked with a grin, turning to face you.

You smirked. “Well it would be nice.” You answer him, causing him to shrug and walk over to the wall and give you a makeshift drumroll as you stepped over the threshold. “There. I’m officially moved in completely.” You informed him.

Matt grinned as he walked over to you, taking the box and setting it to the side before turning to you again. He wrapped his arms around your waist and pulled you close before kissing you. “You’re not moved in until we unpack the boxes.” He spoke lowly after pulling back.

You groaned. “Well that’ll probably take another three months.” You joked.

Matt chuckled and shook his head. “Don’t count on it.”

You hummed and shrugged. “Maybe sooner.”

“Definitely sooner.” Matt replied, his arms still around you.

It ended up taking only two weeks to unpack, and settling in ended up going a lot smoother than you thought it would.

By the time Dr. Marcel walked into the waiting room, everyone was on edge and fearing the worst even if they weren’t saying it.

Matt had practically worn out the floor from where he was pacing, unable to remain calm as he waited for any news. He immediately stopped when he saw Dr. Marcel in the entryway.

Jay was out of his seat and standing beside Matt, waiting for the news.

Everyone’s eyes were on Dr. Marcel, everyone waiting for an update on your condition.

“She’s stable, the bullet hit an artery and she lost a lot of blood, but we were able to repair the damage and give her a transfusion.” Dr. Marcel informed them. “She’s in recovery right now, then she’ll be moved to ICU. She’s stable but not completely out of the woods, though I am optimistic.”

Matt nodded. “Thank you, Dr. Marcel.”

“You’ll be able to visit her after they get her settled.” Dr. Marcel added before leaving the waiting room.

Everyone was immensely relieved after hearing that you had made it out of surgery and that you were in a stable condition, but they were still worried that something could go wrong and that they would lose you.

After you were moved to ICU, your friends were informed that two people could visit you at a time.

Matt headed out of the waiting room before looking at Jay. “Are you coming?”

Jay hesitated before shaking his head. “Nah, you go.”

“They said two people could be in the room at a time.” Matt said, nodding towards the door. “And you know she’ll be crushed if you aren’t there when she wakes up.”

Jay again hesitated, but only for a second before nodding and following Matt. He hated hospitals, but he’d do anything for you, which included spending all damned day in that awful place.

When they walked into your room, the breath was knocked out of both of them.

Sure, they both were expecting you to look rougher than usual, but neither of them had quite prepared themselves to see you in the hospital bed, complexion paler than usual, and a bunch of tubes and monitors hooked up to you to provide you with meds and to monitor your heart and blood pressure.

The sight of you completely broke Matt’s heart, but he stepped in and took a seat in one of the two chairs in the room.

For Jay it nearly sent him running from the room, he hated seeing the people he cared about in the hospital, especially when they were in bad shape, and you were no different. He would’ve given anything to switch places with you. He was still blaming himself for your situation, he kept thinking about how he should have been more aware of what was going on and that he should have been able to prevent this. He slowly took a seat in the other chair.

“It’ll probably be hours before she wakes up.” Jay commented after a while of sitting in almost complete silence, if it hadn’t been for the beeping of the monitors.

Matt nodded some, his eyes fixated on you. “Probably.”

Neither of them talked for a long time after that. Jay had resumed his sitting position from the waiting room, back arched and looking down at the floor, elbows resting on his knees and hands clasped together.

“She’s going to kick your ass.” Matt told him suddenly.

This caused Jay to sit up some and looked over at Matt, his back and neck were starting to grow sore from how he was sitting. “What?”

“When Y/N finds out that you’re blaming yourself, she’s going to kick your ass.” Matt told him, tearing his eyes away from you to look at your partner. “You know damn well she will.”

Jay shrugged. “Or maybe she’ll agree with me.”

Matt frowned at him and shook his head. “Now you’re just being childish.”

Jay frowned now. “I am not being childish, I’m being realistic. If I had seen the gunman, I could’ve gotten us out of the line of fire and she wouldn’t be fighting for her life right now.” He was starting to get upset, and no matter how much he tried to remain calm, it was tough, especially given the situation.

Matt shook his head. “You know she’s not going to see it that way.”

“You don’t know that.” Jay practically spat at him, standing up out of the chair.

Matt remained calm as he looked at Jay. “Calm down.”

“Don’t tell me to calm down when you’re the one that’s angering me.” Jay said pointedly, his voice raising a little and he pointed a finger at Matt.

“Guys please stop fighting.” You rasped out, your eyes shutting even tighter before you opened them. “My head hurts.”

The two of them immediately stopped and looked to you before they were both at your side, looking down at you.

“You’re awake.” Jay commented quietly.

“Mhm.” You tried clearing your throat which just sent a dull jolt of pain through your chest, causing you to wince.

“Are you okay?” Matt was quick to ask you. “I’ll get the doctor.”

“No, I’m fine.” You reached out to grab him but your movements were slowed due to your injury and the pain meds running through your system. “What the hell were you two fighting about?”

“Doesn’t matter right now.” Matt told you, Jay nodded in agreement. “What matters is that you’re alive and awake.”

You smiled weakly at the two of them. “And that my two favorite men are here with me, that matters too.” You told them.

They both smiled softly at you and nodded.

Jay took your hand in his and squeezed it gently. “I’m sorry.” He told you softly.

You shook your head some. “Don’t.” You told him, voice still hoarse. “It isn’t your fault.”

Matt glanced at him briefly in an ‘I told you so’ manner, before looking back at you. “I’m going to go get the doctor, I’ll be back in a second.” He told you softly, kissing your forehead before stepping out of the room.

“I should’ve seen him.” Jay said quietly, looking down at your hand in his. “It’s my fault you got shot.”

“Did you shoot me? No. So therefore, it’s not your fault.” You replied to him. “And if you say otherwise, I’m gonna kick your ass...as soon as I can, that is.”

That caused him to smile and nod. “Yeah, okay. You couldn’t kick my ass before, what makes you think you’ll be able to kick it now?”

“Well I figured you’d let me, given the fact that I got shot and all.” You replied, smirking.

“Nah, that’s not how it works.” Jay told you.

“No?” You asked.

Jay shook his head. “Nope, we don’t take it easy on rookies who get themselves shot.”

You stifled a laugh and huffed. “I am not a rookie anymore, Halstead.” You told him pointedly.

He smirked at you. “Oh you’re not a rookie anymore?”

“Nope.” You shook your head some. “I’m not.”

“Yeah okay, rookie.” Jay replied, still smirking.

“Shut up.” You rolled your eyes.

He moved back when the doctor came in to check you over.

Over the next few days, you were completely fussed over by practically everyone, especially Matt.

When you were finally able to leave the hospital a week later, he didn’t let you do anything.

“Matt, I’m fine.” You tried to tell him after he had scolded you for attempting to make lunch, you would have successfully made the frozen pizza if he hadn’t caught you taking it out of the freezer and forced you to sit down on the couch.

“The doctor said it would be a while before you were back to normal.” Matt reminded you, not that you needed reminding.

“Yeah, and he meant normal as in doing what I was doing instead of being stuck at a desk.” You huffed. “He didn’t mean that I wouldn’t be able to take care of myself.”

“I’m not taking any chances.” Matt replied simply, causing you to narrow your eyes at him. “Glare at me all you want, Y/N, but I’m not risking you hurting yourself worse than what you are.”

You huffed and crossed your arms.

He ended up being right though, about you needing to take it easy, because later that same day you were trying to do for yourself when you moved wrong and pulled at your stitches, causing you to yelp in pain and fall to your knees.

Matt was by your side in a flash, kneeling next to you with a worried look as his hands ghosted over you, not wanting to touch you in fear of causing you more pain but also wanting to help in any way he could. “What happened?” He asked, fear and panic in his voice.

You couldn’t even talk yet the pain was that bad, you just pointed over at the laundry basket while still clutching at your side.

Matt sighed in disappointment before looking back at you, his expression still worried. “Do I need to take you to the hospital?”

You shook your head quickly. “No…” You managed to get out. “No hospital…’m fine.” You mumbled.

“You don’t exactly seem fine.” Matt remarked but carefully helped you stand when you were ready.

You got over to the couch, still holding your side in pain but it wasn’t as bad.

Matt sighed softly and took a seat next to you, placing his hand on your knee. “Please stop pushing yourself.”

You didn’t respond to him, just stared at his hand on your knee.

“Please.” He repeated.

You sighed softly, still staring at his hand. “I just don’t wanna be a burden.” You admitted quietly.

Matt moved his hand before shifting so that he could look at you, gently cupping your face to get you to look at him. “You aren’t a burden, Y/N.”

“Yeah I am, if I can’t take care of myself and help out around here, that means you have to do it, so therefore I’m a burden.” You said sadly, your eyes not meeting his.

Matt shook his head. “Look at me.” He said softly and waited until you finally met his eyes. “You aren’t a burden. This is what people in loving, happy relationships do. They take care of each other, especially when one is hurt or sick. You’ve taken care of me plenty of times, remember when I got the flu and could barely get out of bed?”

“That was different.” You said, even though you weren’t exactly sure how.

Matt shook his head again. “No, it wasn��t. We take care of each other because we love each other. You’re not being a burden, you could never be a burden.”

You felt tears sting your eyes and had to look away, sniffling.

Matt carefully wrapped his arms around you while being mindful of your side.

You leaned into him and wrapped your arms around him. “I’m sorry.” You whispered.

“For what?”

“For all this. Getting shot, being a baby about it, not listening.”

Matt snorted a laugh. “Do you ever listen?”

You couldn’t help but smile. “No, but you know what I mean.”

Matt kissed the top of your head. “You don’t have to apologize for any of that.”

“Then what do I have to apologize for?” You asked softly.

“Nothing.” Matt replied softly.

#matt casey x reader #matt casey imagine #matt casey imagines #chicago fire imagine #chicago fire imagines

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halothenthehorns · 3 years

Text

TLTNL- OWLS

Sirius straightened up prime and proud, forcing that good mood of Gryffindor winning the match to be the only thing they all heard. Grawp certainly had been, unexpected, but with any luck Umbridge would be ousted from the school before Harry even had to deal with him again. Never mind that pesky, nagging question that had been bothering him since Dumbledore's departure, if in fact being Headmistress would negate the curse upon the DADA position. But no, she was still teaching that class, which meant she'd be leaving very soon...he hoped.

Ron's euphoria at helping Gryffindor scrape the Quidditch Cup was such that he couldn't settle to anything next day.

"Considering Prongs was that way for whole weeks, you got off easy," Remus smiled fondly.

All he wanted to do was talk over the match, so Harry and Hermione found it very difficult to find an opening in which to mention Grawp.

"Exactly how hard were you trying?" Sirius snickered, he knew he couldn't relate the two subjects easily.

Not that either of them tried very hard;

All four burst out laughing, though Harry hardly looked very chagrined.

neither was keen to be the one to bring Ron back to reality in quite such a way.

"There really isn't a way to ease into this one," Lily grudgingly agreed, "I don't blame you for putting it off."

Lighting on this fine day made the grounds outside rather inviting, and though Ron was enjoying his time in the common room as random bursts of Weasley is our King were still sung,

"Who came up with the revision of that song anyways?" Remus asked curiously.

"Lee Jordan," Harry grinned. "Even after Ron saved his first goal, the Slytherin's tried to keep going, to throw him back off, but then he said, 'he sure saved that ring,' and it just sort of spiraled out from there. Neville told me later he swears even McGonagall was singing along."

"That's fantastic," James cackled at Malfoy's dirty little trick being so flipped by that.

but finally they convinced him to spread out their revision books under a beech tree, Ron still not paying much mind as he walked them through his first save for the dozenth time.

Sirius certainly hadn't gotten to hear this yet! He was squirming with such excitement the words weren't flowing at a normal level and no one seemed to care.

He'd already let in that first goal of course, but as Bradley had come flying up to him, Ron had been watching for it, and he'd seen him fainting so Ron had just, followed the true throw, and well, they'd seen the rest, he concluded modestly.

Remus rolled his eyes, finding that the perfect opening Ron had provided, but he'd feel heartless admitting right there that he had no clue what had happened and dampen Ron's marvelous achievement.

"Good on him," James threw his shoulders back in pride. "I knew if he just held a bit more confidence he'd get it!"

"I can't believe we didn't get to hear more about it!" Sirius groaned as he glared at the pages but just couldn't bring himself to keep that look on Harry, it was more pouting. "Hagrid couldn't have waited just one more hour to finally tell you what was going on!"

Harry honestly agreed, he wished he had stayed at the game more, but it felt wrong to say so about his friend.

He swept his hair back and glanced hopefully at a group of passing girls.

The four of them burst out laughing while James just looked bemused and ruffled up his own hair to further their point.

Then he caught Harry's look and asked why he was grinning like that?

"Never thought my best mate would remind me of my dad," Harry chuckled softly, sure that was the first time in his youth he'd found some way to think better of his dad after that disastrous memory.

Harry denied he was doing any such thing, looking back to his books and not admitting Ron had reminded him of another Gryffindor player so many years ago doing the exact same thing.

The five of them smiled wider than ever, pleased beyond words Harry was finally able to look back at the lone memory he had of his father in his youth with some actual fondness.

Harry instead fibbed he was still just happy they'd won.

Ron savored those words, curious if Harry had also enjoyed watching Chang's face when Ginny had got the Snitch right from under her.

Harry bitterly muttered he supposed she'd cried.

"I really can see why you wouldn't want to put up with her if that's her response to everything," Sirius rolled his eyes.

Ron frowned in surprise that she had while chucking her broom away, hadn't he seen?

Remus let out a low whistle. "There's a temper we haven't seen yet."

"Ron's starting to get suspicious," James said in a sing song voice.

Harry stalled on answering, so Hermione finally admitted they'd only been there for his first unprotected goal.

Even Ron's hair seemed to wilt with disappointment.

Sirius couldn't help a surprised laugh at that description, even as he felt truly awful for Ron.

He looked from one to the other faintly, asking they hadn't seen any of it?

"Neither did we," James pouted, "so if you could just let him keep telling you about them-"

"James," Lily sighed, "Ron'll have pounded it into Harry's brain by this time, he can share it with us later."

The boys pouted, but didn't argue the point.

Hermione pleadingly tried to explain they'd had no choice, Ron interrupting to demanded to know why?

"I'd be miffed to," James huffed, even knowing the reason.

Harry finally explained everything to Ron, whose indignation quickly switched to incredulity.

"That's a kinder reaction than anyone in here had," Harry muttered.

Then he said 'no,' as if saying it would make it true.

"That has yet to work for us, but good luck trying," Sirius muttered.

Hermione firmly said oh yes he had, Grawp was a sixteen foot tall giant who enjoyed ripping up twenty foot trees and calling her Hermy.

"Well at least she got the highlights," James couldn't help a little twisted smile for that.

Ron stated Hagrid had lost his mind.

"At some point, seeing the depth of the truth is quite awe inspiring," Remus sighed.

Hermione agreed with that, but reminded they had promised to help.

Ron at once said they'd just have to break that promise!

"He's already done that once this year," Lily grumbled with a sideways look at Remus they all ignored no matter how true it was.

When had they ever come out better from messing with Hagrid's monsters?

"A detention really wasn't the worst thing in the world for that, even though the detention itself wasn't any fun,' James shivered in remembrance of the first time.

"Aragog was a bleeding nightmare, but at least fascinating," Remus shrugged.

"They stuck their necks out for Buckbeak," Lily said fairly, "I think that one warrants something."

"One out of five, as I count the Skrewts as no good at all as well," Sirius said deadpan. "Hagrid's not got a very good track record."

Ron took a breath and tried to sooth that at least they didn't have to worry about this until Hagrid was sacked, hopefully they wouldn't have to go near him again.

"Lucky Ron," Lily rolled her eyes while Harry got a pained look on his face no one wanted to question why.

OWLs were upon them at last.

Sirius gave a heavy sigh, but settled himself in preparation for some boredom, and honest curiosity. He wanted to hear how well Harry did even if he wasn't going to enjoy the flashbacks of his own.

Teacher's were no longer assigning homework but spent whole classes doing rapid fire review questions. Harry spent many of these in Potions wondering if Lupin had ever come talk to Snape about his Occlumency lessons,

"If so, then we're likely to never find the body," Sirius said uneasily.

"I'm really hurt you two don't think I can handle him," Remus pouted.

"Oh we know you could match him in a duel-" James waved off.

"We just don't think you would," Sirius kept frowning as he pictured all the ways that conversation would go, and none of them were good.

Lily wondered if his two friends underestimated Remus too much, he had just as much fury at these circumstances at Snape if Remus really thought Harry should be doing these.

but if he had, then Snape had ignored Lupin as thoroughly as he was now ignoring Harry.

They all decided to let the matter go uneasily though, clearly nothing was going to be done about it anytime soon.

Harry was plenty relieved with this, he had enough extra work without Snape adding in. To his relief, even Hermione hadn't brought it up again she was so busy studying.

"Hallelujah!" Sirius cheered.

"You and Hermione finally agree on something, and you still can't agree," Harry shook his head, trying to laugh instead of letting that headache rise again.

"I don't know what's crawled up my arse to think you should be spending extra time with Snape," Sirius shrugged without remorse. "So until I actually get a long over due explanation, I'm on your side pup."

Harry beamed at him, knowing he'd never get tired of hearing that, feeling such a thing flowing through him that would never just be a simple emotion to him.

She spent so much time pouring over books she hadn't even laid out elf clothes for days.

"You know, I've just thought, how was she paying for those?" Lily asked, wondering if her parents were really sending her extra knitting supplies.

"I think she used whatever money she pulled together from that SPEW campaign last year," Harry shrugged. "After that ran out, yeah I imagine she used her own money."

She wasn't the only one acting slightly off, Ernie had developed the habit of interrogating others on their amount of revision.

"Fascinating," James said in surprise.

"I'd have decked him," Sirius rolled his eyes at once at the idea.

"Then you'd have gotten detention and still had to do more studying," Remus pleasantly reminded.

"I'm sure it would be worth it," Sirius shrugged.

"Least he wasn't in your house," Harry said sadly, imagining Ernie's dorm mates had it far worse.

Beginning to interrogate Ron if he was doing more or less than eight?

Ron said less while looking alarmed.

"I would be to," Lily said with a slight grin, she knew she'd been frantic during her exams, now with the added stress of not speaking to her best friend on a permanent basis. She'd been as likely to murder someone as a Death Eater if she'd been crossed wrong at that time.

Ernie prattled off his own recital until he was cut off by Sprout.

"There's something deeply wrong with the lad when he's memorizing literally how much he's memorizing," Remus said with a touch of concern.

Meanwhile, Draco Malfoy had found a different way to induce panic.

"Of course he has," James said in disgust.

Telling anyone who would listen, Crabbe and Goyle, that his dad was very good friends with all of the examiners, he'd just had Griselda Marchbanks over for dinner the other night.

"From all we've heard about, I can't even say I'm surprised," Sirius with a crinkled nose.

"I'll pay whatever Malfoy gives them double just to flunk him in everything," James snapped.

"Don't waste your money Prongs," Remus scolded, "he'll do that all on his own, and if someone does pass him otherwise, get them fired instead."

James happily accepted this alternative with a wicked grin while Harry started snickering at the lot of them.

Hermione got a bit panicky when she heard this one, Ron didn't help by reminding if it was true they couldn't do anything about it.

Neville stepped in and offered he didn't think so, as his Gran was friends with Griselda Marchbanks, and she'd never mentioned the Malfoy's.

"Guess it is some relief half of what that ferret turd says is a lie," Sirius grinned.

Hermione eagerly turned on him asking what she was like?

Neville said like his Gran.

"That was not encouraging," Lily blanched a bit at remembering that woman's few appearances and mentioning's.

Ron tried to encourage at least Neville had a slightly better start than them knowing the person.

Neville disagreed, telling that his Gran told Marchbanks and everyone he wasn't as good as his dad.

"Glory that woman!" James spat in outrage. Clearly Neville needed his own Sirius around to remind him he didn't have to be like his parents for them to be proud!

"Someone needs to tell that woman in detail what she's doing to Neville," Lily said in disgust, more than happy to volunteer if so given the chance.

He tried to say they'd seen what she was like in St. Mungo's but stopped awkwardly there. The three weren't sure what to say, it had been the first time he'd brought it up.

Meanwhile,

"Wait, that was it," Remus yelped in surprise, his pale face having lost an extra few shades at the reminder.

"Yep," Sirius muttered, trying not to glance at Harry, but curiosity won out.

He sighed and admitted, "yeah, we just kind of awkwardly stood there until he went into Potions. Apologizing just doesn't feel right, it sounds empty when people say it to me anyways, but, you know, couldn't think up anything else to say."

There was an awkward silence as they all agreed there wasn't anything to be said after something like that, so Sirius kept going loudly for this meanwhile change of subject.

a flourishing black-market trade in aids for mental agility had sprung up among the fifth and seventh-years.

"I remember this!" James bounced eagerly onto chatting loudly even if his voice did sound a bit too high pitched.

"Weren't you the ones who spread that story sleeping with black dog hair would give you luck?" Lily demanded with a raised brow.

James no longer bothered to deny this as he had back then, "yeah, even got Padfoot to 'try some' for a day and he answered every question any teacher threw at him the next day. We made a killing in profits for a few hours before this Hufflepuff Prefect Gabriel Truman got us in detention with McGonagall for spreading the story."

"Be thankful she didn't ask where you were getting all the dog hair," Remus rolled his eyes.

"How'd you fake getting all the answers right?" Harry asked curiously.

Sirius looked affronted as he said, "I actually knew them!"

While Remus rebutted, "we all took turns whispering the answers he didn't know. Between all of us, he got there."

"See if I ever do your Potions homework again," Sirius grumbled.

"I'll take you up on that," Remus rolled his eyes, while Sirius winced at his own stupid comment.

Harry and Ron were much tempted by the bottle of Baruffio's Brain Elixir offered to them by Ravenclaw sixth-year Eddie Carmichael,

"Oh Harry," Lily sighed. "Didn't you learn your lesson in second year with this nonsense."

"I really didn't want to fail all my exams," Harry said without remorse.

who swore it was solely responsible for the nine "Outstanding" OWLs he had gained the previous summer,

"I'd want to see that paper myself before I believed that," Remus sniffed.

and was offering a whole pint for a mere twelve Galleons.

"Oh is that all," James chuckled. "We only demanded a galleon a bag."

"It was my fur," Sirius frowned, "I think I should have decided how to charge when Remus tried to shave me bald."

"You should have let Prongs offer some then," Remus smirked.

"It was my idea, I wanted the credit," Sirius huffed.

"There's no pleasing him," James informed the other two.

Ron was just assuring he'd pay back Harry his half if he split with him, when Hermione showed up and flushed it down the toilet.

"Hermione really is handy to have around some of the time," Lily chuckled while the boys stopped their bickering.

Ron tried to protest her, but Hermione scathed they may as well buy Harold Dingle's powdered dragon claw while they were at it.

"Oh, now there's something really worth buying," Remus grinned.

"You couldn't pay me to eat that for any reason," Sirius crinkled his nose in disgust.

"I'll bet it was doxy dung or something mixed with water," James smirked. "People try to pass off a ton of things like that, a little color changing charm, bam. You've got those fifth years fooled."

"Thank you so much," Harry muttered, agreeing with his mum and thankful Hermione had stopped them if that was the case.

Ron begged Hermione to give him just a pinch of that, but Hermione told them it was just dried Doxy droppings like the rest of this garbage was when she'd tested it.

"Some things never change," Sirius said nostalgically.

This information took the edge off Harry and Ron's desire for brain stimulants.

The four laughed at Harry's relieved look, though they had full confidence he wouldn't really need them.

They were given the time tables of all their exams in their next Transfiguration class, along with McGonagall's anti-cheating lecture.

"We got this speech every year," James groaned.

"Clearly it was needed, as someone tried something every year," Lily rolled her eyes.

Banned from the examination were: Auto-Answer Quills,

"Those are banned from the school," Remus reminded.

"Doesn't stop people from using them," Sirius shrugged.

Remembralls,

"Those wouldn't even be helpful in an exam," James rolled his eyes.

and Detachable Cribbing Cuffs.

"Those are new," Lily couldn't help her eyes lighting with interest, for the magic of course, not because she'd ever try to use one just to beat out Potter in just one Transfiguration test...

Every year someone seemed to think they could get past these rules, and they were always caught. She hoped it wasn't a Gryffindor, she finished sternly. Then she continued that their, Headmistress,

"I wonder how badly she hurt her tongue spitting that one out," Remus said in sympathy.

Harry watched Sirius' disgusted face and found it a close proximity.

McGonagall pronounced the word with the same look on her face that Petunia had whenever she was contemplating a particularly stubborn bit of dirt,

"Normally I'd shame you comparing the two," James shook his head, "but McGonagall deserves whatever look she has for this."

had stated there would be severe punishment to any cheaters, as of course, their examination results reflected on her.

"Don't tell them that!" Lily spluttered in concern. "We don't need students failing out of spite!"

"We already got them doing that in Potions, no need for the whole school to suffer," Sirius agreed.

She gave a tiny sigh, Harry saw her nostrils flare again before she continued this was no reason not to try their best, they had their own futures to think of.

"Ha!" Sirius barked, all of them smiling just a bit for McGonagall's cheek.

Hermione asked how soon they'd be getting results, and McGonagall said not until July.

"Just what I always wanted for my birthday," Harry sighed.

Harry imagined sitting in his bedroom in Privet Drive in six weeks' time,

Lily blanched in frustration, thinking surely he wouldn't spend nearly a whole summer there again! Sirius or someone would fight back, get Harry out of there!

waiting for his OWL results. At least he would be sure of one bit of post that summer.

"Thank you for that lovely reminder," Sirius sighed, not exactly grateful for remembering that, but it had still been better than Harry living under that webbed thumb and everything else that had occurred.

Their first exam was Charms Monday morning and Harry agreed to quiz Hermione over it, which he immediately regretted as she kept snatching the book away to make sure her answers were word perfect, finally giving him back the book with so much force she cracked him over the nose.

"That'll train you not to be as fast as her," James chuckled weakly, his mind still on his son's upcoming holidays and how not fun that was going to be again.

"Never worked on Sirius, so don't hold your breath," Remus shrugged.

Ron was seen reading two years' worth of Charms notes with his fingers in his ears, his lips moving soundlessly;

"How did he turn the page?" Sirius asked innocently.

"You're an idiot," Lily pleasantly informed him.

and Parvati and Lavender, who were practicing basic Locomotion Charms, were making their pencil-cases race each other around the edge of the table.

"Good of them to have some fun with it," James smiled, remembering that's how they'd spent their nights before exams, trying to make up as many games as possible with the spells needed. They'd been kicked out of the common room several times for this.

Dinner was a subdued affair, many people not eating much and instead ducking back down for books to check as well as nip a few bites.

Hermione suddenly let her silverware fall with a clatter as she saw the Entrance Hall.

"That's never a good sign," Sirius shivered a bit, wondering what new atrocity could be occurring just before this.

The two boys turned and spotted what had her so spooked, several extremely old people were coming in being led by Umbridge, who looked nervous, as Hermione whispered those were the examiners.

"I really wish I could see how much Umbridge has been sending to the Ministry about her improvements to the castle," Lily said blandly.

"I really want them to take a peek at the twins swamp!" James smirked.

Wanting a closer look, the three abandoned their meal and slowly walked past the group, pausing as Umbridge spoke to an extremely elder lady.

"Oh I remember her now," Lily snapped her fingers. "Yes, she was a sweet thing, told me even before I walked out I was guaranteed an O in my Charms."

"Lucky you," Sirius made a face at her, "I turned my pumpkin the wrong color and the man wouldn't stop laughing the whole time. The one time I wasn't trying to make someone laugh!"

"What color did you turn it?" Harry asked in surprise.

"It was supposed to be blue," he began grudgingly, "and yet somehow I turned it black," he finished still fighting back a smile years later at his unintentional joke, and Harry was so surprised he burst out laughing as well.

Marchbanks was waving off Umbridge's concern about the journey, instead mentioning she hadn't heard from Dumbledore lately,

"Neither have we," Remus rolled his eyes.

"Does she not keep up with the news?" James asked in surprise.

adding on they still had no clue where he was?

"Ah, okay, now I really like her," Sirius smirked when he realized this Marchbanks was actually just rubbing it in.

Umbridge gave a forced smile as she said they'd catch up with him.

Marchbanks just laughed and told how much she doubted that, she'd examined Dumbledore during his NEWTs, and he'd done things with a wand she hadn't seen since.

Lily felt her mouth go dry with shock as she realized the same person who'd marked her had also done Dumbledore! It really put into perspective how old their headmaster was, how old this woman was!

The boys were just laughing raucously for what they considered a very good return.

Umbridge shot a nasty look at the trio as she passed them, before encouraging her guests up to the staff room for some tea.

"Not with you in the room, I doubt I could breathe through your fumes," Remus snipped.

Harry went to bed that night regretting his career consultation,

"McGonagall hasn't seemed to be living up to that one yet," Sirius said conversationally.

"She didn't have any doubts he'd pass Charms," Lily reminded. "Mostly it was just Potions."

"Then it's a good thing Snape's not allowed to set the exams," James huffed, "otherwise Harry would have to beg Merlin himself to get a pass."

and wishing he'd told McGonagall a more realistic option.

"Harry, this is plenty achievable," Remus wouldn't let his spirits fall if this was something he really wanted. "I can already tell you've shown an aptitude for it."

Harry smiled appreciatively for the praise, something warm inside him saying he agreed with Remus.

Breakfast was no better than the meal before, students still trying their hardest for last minute studying. Parvati was practicing an incantation on a salt cellar that was only twitching,

"I'm sure that wasn't encouraging," Lily winced.

and Neville kept dropping the marmalade with nerves.

"So he was practicing the Evanesce charm," Sirius offered.

They had their written in the morning and practical's in the evening, so when breakfast was over they were all milling around waiting to be let back in. Harry stepped through to find the Great Hall exactly as it had been from Snape's memory, all of the desks set up and McGonagall waiting at the front.

"Why isn't the teacher of the lesson there?" Harry asked, recalling wanting to ask this last time, but he'd been a little distracted.

"Takes pressure off I suppose if the regular teacher isn't there," James shrugged.

"I thought it was another method of anti-cheating," Remus offered. "Teacher of the class couldn't show favoritism and possibly slip an answer if they aren't even there."

Harry flipped his paper over to begin, and found the first question asking for the incantation and wand wrist movement to make objects fly.

They all released a very surprised burst of laughter as they recalled a club knocking a troll out, nothing more memorable about that spell.

Harry had a fleeting memory of a club soaring high into the air and landing loudly on the thick skull of a troll . . . smiling slightly, he bent over the paper and began to write.

"I hope that's a good marker for the rest of these," Sirius kept chuckling. He never would have believed he could look back on that as a fond memory, but considering everything that had happened in the meantime, it was almost hilarious they'd once been afraid of a troll around Harry.

Hermione walked out saying that wasn't as bad as she thought.

"This coming from the girl who once got a perfect score on Charms," Lily sighed. Charms had come naturally to her and even she'd never achieved that.

She was worried she hadn't done enough justice to it, she hadn't added the counter-charm to cure hiccups for the Cheering Charm-

"What exam was Hermione taking?" Harry shook his head in disbelief. Even after five years, he still felt exasperated at her over achieving ways no matter how many times they saved his life.

Ron cut her off before she could keep going, telling her he did not want to sit through the examination again, it was bad enough the first time.

"I don't know, I'd probably let her," Remus said fairly. "I'd instantly be getting my results back on what I put down."

"Not worth it," James agreed with Ron, "I'd smother her from stress after the third answer I didn't put down as detailed as her."

The house tables were returned for lunch, and then they entered for practical's in alphabetical order. Harry entered with Flitwick at the door telling him who he would be examining with.

"I can see why they were allowed inside for these though," Remus kept explaining without a prompt from Harry. "They get to see your work in class be put to the test."

Harry smiled at his eager tone, the way his eyes shone with just a hint of what they would if he'd been in the back of a DADA hall like he should.

Harry went over to a tiny little man who was only a space away from where Malfoy was halfway through his test.

James let out a surprised snort of laughter, saying, "how slow was he going? He was three letters off and still in there!"

"I always said these should be timed, students can't stall and make themselves feel worse for not being able to think," Remus said with just a touch of sympathy.

Professor Tofty greeted him by his full name in surprise, confirming the famous Harry Potter?

"If there was more than one, Harry wouldn't have nearly as many problems as he did," Sirius said in disgust.

Harry saw Malfoy throw him a dirty look and the cup he was supposed to be levitating fell and smashed.

All of them got a righteous giggle out of that considering the prats own earlier boosting and knowing it wouldn't help Harry at all even if he'd needed it.

Grinning to himself, he felt his exam went much better, his Levitation Charm had certainly been more smooth, though he wished he hadn't mixed up Color Changing and Growth, he had his rat swell to twice its size before he figured out how to correct it.

"There you go Sirius," Harry said swiftly, as just the mention of the little animal had set his teeth back on edge. "At least you stayed in the right spell!"

Sirius put up a smile for Harry's attempts.

He failed to tell Hermione this, but admitted it to Ron after he told he'd somehow mutated his plate into a mushroom with no clue how.

Then they all got a genuine laugh for that one, fondly remembering Ron's broken wand in second year and wondering if the poor kid had been thinking the same during some spell.

They had not a chance to relax after the one, moving on to Transfiguration all evening. During the written part, Harry forgot the definition of a Switching Spell,

Harry frowned sadly, still wishing more than anything he'd taken a liking to one of his parents old subjects, but still smiled pleasantly as both kept beaming fondly at him and all of his progress being so heavily described it was worth whatever grade he got for the attempt.

but thought his practical could have been a lot worse. At least he managed to Vanish the whole of his iguana, whereas poor Hannah Abbott,

Sirius frowned in genuine concern for this poor girl still being in there when Harry was! He'd have honestly passed her just out of pity for clearly freezing up for so long.

somehow managed to turn a ferret into a whole flock of flamingos, and the hall had to be emptied until they were all caught.

"Oh, were you in there for that?" Sirius asked in surprise as he fixed his thoughts.

"No, she just told us what happened while crying," Harry winced for the poor girl who hadn't even wanted to go back in and finish until Neville had took her aside and calmed her down.

They had their Herbology exam on Wednesday, and other than a small bite from a Fanged Geranium, Harry felt he had done reasonably well there.

Sirius kept reading very loudly before his friends could have another go at him for that subject.

On Thursday, Defence Against the Dark Arts.

All five of them winced hard for the last time this had come up, but thankfully Harry had very clearly put that in his past where it would stay this time, even Lily didn't go as pale as usual upon thinking of this day in light of watching her son relive it.

For the first time, Harry finally had full confidence. He knew every question on the written and gave in-detail answers, and the practical was just as much of a breeze, performing every requested jinx and counter jinx while smirking at Umbridge watching.

"Always good to have your target in sight," James said with relish as he pictured a variety of things he'd cast at her too.

His examiner proclaimed him as done, unless he'd like to try for a bonus point and do a Patronus?

Harry raised his wand, imagined Umbridge being sacked,

"Happiest memory I'd conjured in ages," Harry's smirk only widened in here what it had been at the time.

and shouted Expecto Patronum.

The whole hall stopped in surprise as the stag cantered around, and Harry was released with a hearty congratulations.

As he passed Umbridge, there was a nasty smile at the edge of her mouth and Harry didn't even care.

James was in such a giddy mood for Harry's clear overwhelming happiness at this he didn't even care what was running through her rotted mind!

Unless he was mistaken, and he wasn't going to say it aloud incase he was, Harry felt sure he'd just gotten an Outstanding OWL.

"I have no doubts whatsoever," they all reassured him, Harry never having felt such pride in his life.

They got a bit of a break on Friday as Hermione took her Ancient Runes, and she came back in a right temper to see the two playing chess. She at once furiously told them she'd mistranslated ehwaz, meaning partnership, as eihwaz, meaning defence.

"Sirius, you pronounced those exactly the same," Lily corrected, grasping what words he'd meant by their translations. "Ehwaz is-"

"Prongs, stop your wife before I do," Sirius grumbled, though continued reading loudly before the threat could be carried out and Lily just huffed at him.

Ron tried to say it was only one mistake-

Hermione told him to shut up.

"Ooh, snappy," Remus chuckled, Sirius did a rather good impersonation of that.

It was the difference between her passing and failing!

"I honestly can't imagine her failing any class," James said lightheartedly.

"She could still take Divination and pass it," Harry agreed.

What's worse was she'd passed Umbridge's office and another Niffler was in there trying to take a chunk out of her leg.

"What kind of jewelry has she got-" Remus blinked in surprise, before they all blanched in disgust and did not want to ask further.

Harry and Ron said good together.

"Not really," Lily sighed, remembering the last time this was mentioned.

Hermione heatedly said no it wasn't! She thought Hagrid was doing this!

Harry gestured out the window where Hagrid was teaching a class and pointed out he couldn't have done that, and Hermione called Harry naïve.

Harry frowned in reproach, wishing he'd quit forgetting to avoid Hermione right after an exam.

That wasn't going to stop her!

Then she stormed off to the dorm and slammed the door behind her.

Ron noted what a lovely, sweet-tempered girl she was while turning back to his game.

They all burst out with laughter at that one, not at all blaming him for waiting until the echo faded before he'd said this.

Hermione's bad mood lasted the whole weekend, and Harry wasn't feeling much better come the following Monday. He'd spent every spare second trying to study for Potions, the one exam he was sure would be his downfall in becoming an Auror.

"Now where's McGonagall when I need her," Harry sighed.

"You'll do fine," Lily insisted. "I've seen proof already you can do this if you're not under pressure, and Snape can't do anything to you in there."

"It doesn't mean I'll be getting that O though," he said morosely, not feeling remotely better at how true he felt that was, but it was of some comfort it didn't make the vision in his head of this job dim any less.

Sure enough, he found the written paper difficult, though he thought he might have got full marks on the question about Polyjuice Potion;

"That's a sixth year potion!" Sirius protested this.

"It was a bonus question," Harry shrugged. He got a much more forced laugh from that experience, they remembered this too vividly being a problem last year.

he could describe its effects accurately, having taken it illegally in his second year.

"Thank you for the pleasant call back," James shook his head, still having the urge to be sick at mention of that Basilisk for too long and grateful Sirius didn't linger.

The afternoons practical wasn't as bad, even with Snape at the back, the whole environment made for a far more pleasant feel than Harry had ever felt while over a cauldron. Neville seemed to be feeling the same, both potions came out the right color.

Lily gave a pitiful sigh, having wished more times than she could count her son wouldn't suffer in that class, that he may even have been able to flourish in it if not for that arse hole treating him the way he did.

Parvati sighed with relief they only had four exams left, but Hermione would not be soothed, shouting she still had Arithmancy, and that was the hardest one!

Nobody was foolish enough to snap back,

"So you lot do have a sense of life," Remus chuckled.

so she was unable to vent her spleen on any of them and was reduced to telling off some first-years for giggling too loudly in the common room.

"Hermione's a real peach, don't let me ever say otherwise," Lily shook her head for the poor girl so stressed.

They had Care of Magical Creatures on Tuesday, and Harry felt he did reasonably well, getting all the points right on what the different creatures ate and how to identify them, only managing to get one serious bad burn from a fire-crab while cleaning it to really catch him off.

"I didn't get a single one, but thanks for asking," Sirius grinned at Harry, who gave his obligatory laugh as he watched his godfather, but hated how strained it sounded for his gut tightening inside him every second. He could feel something approaching him, some mark that left him as unhappy as Hermione at the thought of the end of the OWLs...

The others were just hoping the joke was finally wearing off of him.

Their written Astronomy took place Wednesday morning, and while Harry hadn't remembered all of Jupiter's moons, at least he was sure none of them were covered in mice.

"It's good to know Hermione's tutoring had some lingering effects," James snickered in remembrance.

They had to wait until evening for their practical Astronomy;

Harry twitched hard at that, and they gave him sympathetic looks for his exams starting to get to him by this time, he'd lasted longer than others.

so they did their Divination that afternoon, which was by far his worst yet.

"How?" Sirius demanded as a boyish laugh erupted. "You've had loads of practice by now just to make it up."

"Trelawney's not even the one there, you can reuse old ones," James agreed.

He described his tea-leaves as a soggy old man, and informed during the palm reading that his examiner should have died last Tuesday.

Harry felt a shot of relief as everyone laughed around him for this display, forcing himself to relax as well and convince himself nothing worse could happen during an examination than that.

Ron's had not gone much better, as he'd spent quite some time giving a detailed account of an ugly old man with a wart in his crystal ball before looking up to realize it was his examiner.

'Or even that,' he mentally conceded as the laughter doubled.

Harry said they never should have taken it in the first place, Ron now agreeing at least they could drop it. From now on, he didn't care if his tea leaves spelled out for him to die, he'd just put them in the trash where they belonged.*

Sirius slumped in his seat he was laughing so hard by now, and Harry watched him affectionately trying to force this feeling of nausea to recede rather than increase like it was. It took his godfather a moment to collect himself and brush his hair back out of his face before he could continue, and Harry had gotten nowhere.

Harry laughed until he saw Hermione approaching, so quickly stopped.

Hermione wasn't in too bad a mood, saying her Arithmancy had gone well, and now they had some time to look over their star charts before dinner.

Harry wrapped his arm around his torso in pain, smothering a groan as the pressure kept building in his head and his gut. What about an exam would cause such a feeling of panic to rile him up?

The others finally noticed what Harry was trying to repress, but Sirius didn't hesitate in going on very loudly now. Surely it was just exam nerves scaring the boy senseless...

They were up on the Astronomy tower with a perfect cloudless night. Harry was looking for the constellation Orion,

"Don't be ridiculous Harry," Sirius rolled his eyes. "It's June, you won't find that one unless you've found a way to look through the sun."

Harry did indeed look chagrined, but didn't have very high hopes for passing this class anyways.

when the doors below open and six people walked out of the castle across the lawn.

Harry shivered deep in his seat, fighting back the urge to close his eyes in pain and instead they were watering up. He just knew he did not like this, it was going to cause something so terrible to happen...

Harry glanced over the parapets, watching their movement before he was reminded of the exam going on.

Lily hummed at this, no one in any delusion this was what was causing Harry such a stir. It was beyond odd though, what was going on in the grounds at that hour, and why would it cause Harry to look as if in fear for someone's life?

In the poor lighting though, he was sure he could spot a squat figure amongst them.

"Oh boy," James broke the heavy silence with dread.

He could not think why Umbridge would be taking a stroll outside after midnight, much less accompanied by five others.

"Got turned around?" Remus offered, a proper joke failing him as they all watched Harry's twitching frame.

Then the night's silence was broken by a large dog barking.

"Oh dear," Lily managed a soft whisper of unease as now they were all as tense as Harry. This couldn't be good...

Lights turned at Hagrid's place, and the six figures seemed to be welcomed over the threshold.

"No, no, no, not again!" Sirius burst in frustration.

"They're, they're not really trying to arrest Hagrid!" James bellowed in protest.

Harry's mouth was cotton dry, he couldn't find air to breathe. He was worried for Hagrid, but there was something more, something that wasn't having him question Hagrid's safety, but some member of the Order's...

Harry felt uneasy as he watched shadows threw the window, but still tried to put his eyes back to the sky.

"Oh I've long since forgotten about this," Remus snarled in frustration, he knew he'd have marched down there and said something about this.

Then there was a roar of outrage echoing from the ground, and several people ducked down to look now.

Professor Tofty gave a dry little cough to keep their attention.

"Excuse him!" Lily spluttered. "After that kind of noise, I'd be dismissing the lot and seeing what was going on!"

Sirius' foot was tapping in agitation, his eyes peeling words away so fast he wasn't sure what he was actually saying until he felt the reactions of the others and he had to pause for breath and take it in, he couldn't imagine Hagrid going back to that place anymore than him!

He encouraged them to concentrate, and most people did turn back to their work, but a glance over showed Hermione was still transfixed on the cabin below.

"That should really be saying something," James tried to say obstinately, but it fell flat, even poking fun at Hermione held nothing for anyone right now.

With the twenty minute warning, even Hermione gave a regretful jump and tried to put some more work down.

"Oh, well, never mind then." James hardly more than mouthed the joke, his every attention focused on Sirius to find what had happened to Hagrid.

Not moments later though, several people poked themselves in the eye in surprise at the BANG that wrenched the night, now everyone watching as Hagrid was storming out of his cabin with red lights flashing around him, they were trying to Stun him.

"No!" Lily cried in frustration, her arms automatically curling to shield her infant from the outrage around him before she gratefully remembered he wasn't down here.

"They can't do this to him!" Sirius howled with fury.

"As if that's ever stopped them before," Remus said in disgust.

"Hagrid's fighting back this time though," James grimly reminded as the scene was put together in his mind.

Hermione shrieked no, but Tofty curtly reminded this was an examination.

"Nobody cares," Harry said through gritted teeth, his thudding heart promising this still wasn't the worst to come.

Nobody even noticed, as someone shouted at Hagrid to be reasonable, and Hagrid told Dawlish reasonable be damned. Harry could just spot the outline of Fang jumped around at Hagrid's feet, keeping himself between the wizards and his owner,

"A fearsome sight in itself," Sirius said grimly, even if Fang never attacked a single one of them.

until a Stunning Spell caught him and he fell to the ground.

Remus made a blistering noise of outrage, that was more than uncalled for.

Hagrid gave a howl of fury, lifted the culprit bodily from the ground and threw him; the man flew what looked like ten feet and did not get up.

"I'm wondering if he ever will again," Lily said through numb lips as that kept replaying in her head.

Hermione gasped, Harry and Ron were terrified. None had ever seen Hagrid in a true temper.

"Wish we never had," James whispered, never wanting to have been there more for a friend than when he was being attacked on all sides.

Then the front doors opened again, and someone else came marching across the lawn in the Entrance Hall lights.

Harry felt it, that ratcheting fear reaching a crescendo, this was not going to make things better!

Tofty tried to pull back attention, reminding there was only sixteen minutes left.

"No one cares!" Sirius burst in outrage, hurriedly trying to skip past that interruption.

Nobody paid him a mind as McGonagall shouted how dare they!

"Oh now they're in for it," Remus said with a predatory smile. Even without raising a wand, suddenly they were all confident McGonagall would somehow find a way to set this right.

She kept up her shouting at them, demanding to know what grounds they had to warrant such-

The girls upon the roof screamed as four Stunners were shot at McGonagall.

Sirius' heart thudded, and actually came to a stop for several moments. He only kept reading the results of this with the last of his air,

Only halfway there, the beams collided with her, and for just a moment she glowed red before the spell took and she flew back, landing without further movement.**

before his tightly drawn face went slack in shock.

"Oh my gosh! Oh, my goodness! No, she, she can't have," Lily was a babbling mess, suddenly on her feet and running forward to snatch the book away from Sirius' numb fingers. Her eyes nearly burned a hole through the pages, all she could see was red and their head of house-

James hadn't realized he was doing it until the spell burst from his lips, and apparently his aim was quite off as he set a bit of the wall on fire. While the flash of heat went quite unnoticed considering how incensed they all were, James was also forced to extinguish it just as fast before his shaking limbs didn't allow another spell.

Their outrage was ceased by Harry, and for once not the baby. That he was angry was as clear as the rest of them, his face was an eerie calm of a storm the likes of they'd last seen on Privet Drive when he'd thought he was being attacked by Death Eaters, but now it was much more personal. The truly scary part though came from his trembling lip, that fear leaving his pupils blown so wide. They just couldn't believe it, McGonagall was going to live through this, right? Yet that look on his face left the haunting expression someone wouldn't, and they could only hope it was the fools who'd done this to her, what Hagrid had just done would be like Grawp playing with a twig.

Sirius couldn't swallow for several moments, feeling as if his own tongue had been jammed down his throat and he had to fight hard to force his eyes to go back to recognizing mere words rather than the tirade of curses he wanted to rain down on someone as he gingerly took the book back from Lily in fear for his own life. Moony had to come over and guide her back to her seat she was so stunned, but neither could bend their knees to sit.

No one was going to live after what had just been done to his favorite teacher! The first authority figure he'd ever respected in his life because she'd earned it rather than making him fear her! Harry needed him though, his pup needed to get through this first to know she was going to be okay and give them a list of names.

Tofty finally seemed to have forgotten about his own exam,

"Finally," Remus said faintly, casting his wand vaguely to at least stop the hole smoking. Neither him nor Lily could be properly still, too frantic and needing something to do and listening to Sirius talk wasn't helping!

as he called their behaviour outrages.

Hagrid clearly felt the same, calling them all cowards as he used his fists now and two of them fell with each swipe.

James made an unsatisfied noise even as he put a tight hold on Harry's shoulder as a reminder he was here, it was all going to be okay.

Umbridge shouted at the last Auror standing to stop him, both trying to send one last stunner. For a moment Hagrid stooped, as if he'd finally been felled, but then he got back up with something over his shoulder, and Harry realized it was Fang. Then he took off running towards the distant gates and vanished.

"How, could, she," Lily was nearly hyperventilating she was so beyond words to express this.

There was a long, drawn minute of silence before Tofty tried one last time to remind them they only had five minutes left.

Sirius blinked sluggishly for a moment, unable to grasp back the fact that something as mundane as an exam was going on. He wanted to hear someone checking on Minerva!

No one seemed to get any last minute work done, as they were finally dismissed and the students at once began discussing what they'd seen.

Ernie said he wasn't surprised at Umbridge's timing, she'd clearly been trying to avoid another scene like Trelawney's.

Ron was impressed how well Hagrid had held his own,

Harry noticed in a detached way the students almost excitement for this, like they'd just watched a show.

while Hermione explained it would be his giants blood that had made it so hard to take him down, but poor McGonagall.

"She's going to be fine though!" James said hastily as Harry shivered harder than ever. "McGonagall's tough as they come, I'm half surprised they didn't bounce off her like Hagrid."

Harry saw distantly what he was trying to do, but it was hard to concentrate on his voice, he just kept hearing Sirius read and he wanted to plug his ears shut as well as never stop hearing that again. Which was ridiculous, Sirius hadn't even been involved in this...

Ernie gave a pompous shake to his head, saying how dreadful all this was, before he nipped off to bed.

Lily's eyes burned, he could have showed a little more worry for two of the staff!

Ron mentioned at least Hagrid hadn't been sent to Azkaban.

Sirius felt his skin crawl hatefully at the reminder, knowing that was still a horrid outcome, but somehow a worse one had happened!

Then he supposed Hagrid had joined Dumbledore somewhere. Hermione agreed, but she looked almost tearful as she realized she'd expected Dumbledore to somehow come back by now, instead they'd lost Hagrid too.

All four of them were surprised at just one passing comment for McGonagall. They'd been worried for Hagrid sure, but McGonagall was their real outrage, and they weren't likely to settle until they heard of someone taking care of her, though they'd never admit aloud she needed any such thing. Those kids were still young enough though, they were not as caught up in DA as they should have been, perhaps did not even realize four stunners was four times worse than just the single spell. It would knock you back and leave you as injured as any hex with the blow of so much magic.

They got back to Gryffindor tower and saw Dean and Seamus had beat them there, woken everyone up and caught them up, and the whole house was chatting about it as well.

Angelina asked why sack Hagrid now? He wasn't like Trelawney, he was doing good this year.

Remus got a funny frown in place, wanting to protest that but hard to find the words.

Katie reminded about the recent Niffler problem, and Lee said in shame that had been him putting them through her window.

Sirius felt that feeling he'd lived for in his youth, the urge to laugh at such mischief, but it did not carry through into full bloom, not with Harry clearly so worried, not until he knew McGonagall was still going to be around to be exasperated at it.

Dean pointed out Hagrid would have been sacked, he was too close to Dumbledore.

Lavender was still nearly in tears for McGonagall, while Colin informed everyone they'd watched her be brought back inside the castle. Alicia said with confidence Madam Pomfrey would sort her out.

They finally felt a sigh of relief escape them, Harry's loudest of all as some of his worry tried to loosen him, but not enough. Remus and Lily sat back down uneasily as they tried not to picture such a thing happening on the grounds, but the look on Harry's face somehow warned them to keep on the edge, as he kept himself stiff at his father's side and locked in on Sirius, his heart thudding so loud they were sure they could all hear it in his still thumping adrenaline pulsing out.

The common room was up the rest of the night coming up with revenge for Umbridge. None were quite satisfying enough, though Ron's of feeding her to starving Blast-Ended Skrewts had its merits.

That one worked, Remus felt a burst of laughter escape him that died swiftly in the room, but no one begrudged him for trying.

Their final exam was History of Magic.

Harry made a keening noise louder than ever, and it was frightening. What worse thing was going to happen than their real current Headmistress being struck down like that?! James's hand tightened harder than ever upon Harry's shoulder, but he couldn't even look at him, he was solely locked on the key to this problem.

He loathed having to spend his morning going over years of Hermione's notes. He was exhausted, all he really wanted was for this one to be over, to go out onto the Quidditch pitch and have a go on Ron's broom.

"You more than deserve that, honestly I'm surprised I haven't heard of this long before now," Sirius looked up and around at Harry, forcing a smile he didn't really feel into place, and it set them all off greatly he couldn't be bothered to return it for a second. His eyes remained distant, lost somewhere none could see, but still his every attention was riveted on Sirius.

Sirius sighed heavily but decided to stop side stepping around this, Harry wasn't going to be soothed until something changed.

It took all of his concentration to flip his exam over and begin, and it took several moments for letters to appear into words.

Lily shook her head pitifully for this, but she supposed it was the best circumstances that could be offered. At least everyone failed this class.

It felt torturous, he flat out skipped an opinion question over wand legislation and the goblin riots.

"I don't even remember that ever being a topic," Remus shook his head too fast, but still hoping some normal flow of conversation would be of some help.

He tried his hand at the Statue of Secrecy breached in 1749 but knew he'd missed important parts like vampires coming in at some point.

"Now I know you're sleep deprived, it was hags, not vampires," James offered though he had no more clue than Harry, and still failed to get a response.

Finally Harry found one from the notes he'd gone over just this morning covering the International Confederation of Wizards and why Liechtenstein refused to join.

Lily hummed at the lucky circumstance, wishing as much as anyone this would skip already, that Harry would just get a moment of peace before he collapsed on himself like he was so clearly fixing to do.

He began with Pierre Bonaccord's contested appointment,

Remus gave a false yawn, glancing around for a pillow though really his eyes never stopped tracking Harry, looking for just a hint he was going to relax any second, realize the danger had passed at least for one second.

while all around Harry the distracting noise of quills were scratching on parchment like scurrying, burrowing rats.

Sirius gave a heavy shiver, he hated Harry seemed to use that description a lot.

He couldn't remember. He gazed at the back of Parvati's head, wishing he could use Legilimency and remember what he'd done, sure it had something to do with trolls.

Harry went cross eyed in pain, wishing his mind would crack open already and relieve this stress, why had his mind chosen now to bring that up!

He closed his eyes tight to picture it, finally the lines coming back to him of the circumstances involving mountain trolls, that had been it. He got another few lines in but still didn't feel it was long enough, Hermione had four pages on the topic.

"That's never helpful, she tries to remember too much," James muttered something he'd known about her since her first year hoping just for a moment to distract Harry which still didn't work.

He closed his eyes again, straining to put in some other details...but then his eyes didn't open back in the hall, but the long dark corridor. He eagerly ran down it once again, back through the dark circular room with many doors.

"Oh no," James groaned deeply, his hand tightening more than ever on Harry's shoulder, refusing to let go until he knew it was going to be okay. That was getting harder to manage though, as they all finally grasped this must be what had him so on edge, they were all back to that same icy exterior as well. The last time Harry had been so set off, was when Arthur was being attacked...

All the way until he was back in the large cathedral sized room, and now he was sprinting, knowing the thing he wanted most was in here. He turned down row ninety seven, and there at the end was a huddled figure, like a wounded animal on the ground.

Harry tried to recoil away, but James had no clue who he was trying to reach for, so he just pulled Harry back tighter to him. He wasn't going to let him go guilt tripping over this one, no matter who was in there guarding this mystery thing.

A voice issued from his own mouth, a high, cold voice empty of any human kindness,

Sirius finally flipped to the last page of this, his hand as slick upon the binding as it was white knuckled. 'Don't let it be Arthur again,' his mind pleaded, 'the man had suffered enough!'

Instructing for it to be taken down. When whatever it was on the floor didn't respond, Harry used the Crucio spell.

"Voldemort's, inside, the Ministry," Lily brokenly whispered, this being the first thing she could think of what to connect to. Her fear intensified, wondering how this had happened, there was no way the man could waltz in there and torture someone for this. It may not even be an Order member now, it was still the middle of Harry's afternoon!

She wanted more than anything to stop Sirius, to try and let Harry collect himself for a moment, but Sirius was fidgeting with agitation on the page and noticed nothing, like he wasn't even aware he was reading anymore, just wanting to finish this and know the latest victim already Harry was going to have to find out about in the worst way possible.

The man on the floor let out a scream of pain, attempted to stand but fell back, writhing.

Harry wasn't breathing, of that James was now positive. He hardly registered his own fear anymore, was hardly watching Sirius. He feared for the life of whomever this was, but he had eyes only for his son.

Voldemort hissed at the newly pained man and told him to fetch it as he could not, then his pain would end fast.

Sirius Black just laughed, and said Voldemort would have to kill him first.

James's hand fell from Harry's shoulder.

HPHPHPHP

* Favorite quote of the whole series! I'm still in awe I got this far! Let me know yours!

** I know not everyone's a McGonagall fan, but this right here is my favorite moment for her, the same reason I would have Crucio'd someone if they'd spat in her face. You can say what you will about her odd behaviour in first year, but the moments of her in this book are just pure and utter brilliance of her very character.

#The life that Never LIved #harry potter #fanfiction #OotP #HP #Marauders #reading the books #James Potter #Lily Potter #Remus Lupin #Sirius Black

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floralseokjin · 5 years

Text

— crystallised 04 (m)

crystallised /ˈkrɪst(ə)lʌɪz/ (verb) make or become definite and clear

Six weeks, that’s all it takes to forget about the threesome you shared with your boyfriend, Yoongi, and your past…fuck buddy, Seokjin. After all, it’s no big deal. Yoongi and you are doing better than ever, there’s no reason to regret such a night shared. That is until you hear some gossip in the library one day, and then slowly, little by little, everything starts to fall apart… Can you begin to make sense out of all this confusion, or is it too late?

pairing; kim seokjin x reader genre/warnings; college au, flashback indicated by italics (smut), slight angst, quite a lot of fluff, slow burn in a way, we’re still soft for moam seokjin 🤧 words; 24,347

sequel to; memoirs of a mistake and lostmyhead

chapters; 01 ⤑ 02 ⤑ 03 ⤑ 04 ⤑ 05 ⤑ 06 ⤑ 07⤑ 08 ✓

Yoongi came to pick up his things a few days after the break up like he said he would. The toothbrush and the razor left in your bathroom, a beanie, his hoody that he kept draped over your couch and then a pair of earphones you’d found on your bedside table. It all fitted into one bag. All you had to show for your relationship. All that was left. Once again, you were left wondering if you felt this way because of a broken heart, or if it was your own bitter disappointment at yet another failed relationship… This one wasn’t supposed to end like this. Yoongi was different, yet now you stood in front of him feeling like a stranger. Strange how things could change in a blink of an eye. When you finally stopped living in a dream world…

“There’s really nothing that we can do?”

You couldn’t help it. Despite knowing this wasn’t meant to be, knowing Yoongi and you weren’t right together, there was something still so desperate in you. Desperate for love, for happiness. It was pathetic really. Were you really willing to hold onto a relationship that wasn’t meant to be? You tried to think of Lina’s words of comfort as Yoongi shook his head sadly and embraced you. “Just because Yoongi is pretty much perfect doesn’t mean he’s right for you, and that’s okay. You’ll meet someone who is soon enough… Quit obsessing over it. It’ll only hurt more.”

You wrapped your arms around his middle, squeezing him tight just like your eyes. The way he smelt so familiar made your heart clench, seeming to beat in slow motion. Everything about him was familiar, but it didn’t seem like yours anymore. He wasn’t yours anymore, if he ever was… The past few days had made you think about a lot. The differences between Yoongi and you, ones that were probably small and meaningless but now seemed like enormous gaping holes in your doomed relationship. Lina was right. Yoongi was perfect, but he wasn’t your perfect. You needed to let that sink in and let him go.

The strange thing was, once he left, you didn’t feel like crying. The morning had been nerve wracking while waiting for him to turn up, afraid you were going to burst into tears at seeing his face and make a fool of yourself, but it never came. There was sadness of course, but it just stayed heavy in your chest, there, but bearable. You phoned Lina shortly after, explaining what happened and told her how you felt. “That’s a good thing, right? No more tears”, she’d asked, and you had to agree. This was it. Things were back to how they used to be before Yoongi. That wasn’t a bad thing, it would just take some getting used to. You’d slowly feel less sad, less empty and more yourself.

Lina asked if you wanted her to come over before work for a little while, just to keep you company but you declined. You’d be fine, you were fine. You needed to get used to being alone again, because since you’d told her about the break up she’d been like your second shadow. You’d only just gotten rid of her yesterday, because, yes, she had insisted on sleeping over 3 nights in a row, and yes, you had told her about the threesome-that-should-never-be-mentioned… You should have waited until she wasn’t chewing on popcorn to drop the bomb because you were about two seconds away from performing the Heimlich maneuver on her before the piece luckily dislodged itself.

She was still trying to process the information to be honest, second guessing her opinion on Yoongi, because yes, she expected that type of behaviour from Seokjin, but Yoongi?! That was different. She couldn’t work out why he’d agreed to it… She couldn’t work out why you had agreed to it… But you weren’t about to dissect your brain to find the answers. It had happened, it was done. History. “Is it though? Seokjin’s sniffing around again pretty quickly…” had been her retort, to which you’d rolled your eyes at. Telling her you’d also hung out the night after the break up had been a mistake if she was going to make insane assumptions. “We’re going to try being friends…” You’d sighed, knowing it was probably never going to get through to her.

“TRY?! What does that mean? Do not tell me you’re even thinking about going back there?!”

“Of course not.” You’d punctuated slowly, glaring at her. “It means we’ve never been just friends before and we want to try because believe it or not, I like Seokjin as a person. Maybe if you looked past your poor misjudgement you’d see he’s not that bad.”

“Seems fake, but okay.”

You had to shut yourself up in the end, unsure why you were so defensive over him to begin with. Seokjin probably didn’t give a shit what Lina thought about him. So you shook your head, dismissing the stupid conversation. “Trust me, if Seokjin wanted to sleep with me again, he’d just say it outright. He doesn’t work under false pretences.”

It was dumb even saying the words. Seokjin and you were also done, just like you and Yoongi. History. The only difference was there was little damage done between you both, a friendship could still happen. With Yoongi, despite what he said, it seemed impossible to be just friends right now. You knew he hadn’t wanted to hurt you, and you knew the break up was the right choice, but now your trust in him was a little tainted…

Lina had relented anyway, knowing it was none of her business to interfere, just like she relented when you insisted you could handle today on your own. There were floors to vacuum, laundry to wash, Netflix series to binge… You’d be fine. Although, when your phone rang again ten minutes later you were 95% sure it was her again, unable to take no for an answer. However, it wasn’t.

It was Seokjin. You felt oddly nervous when you answered. You hadn’t seen him nor heard his voice since the other night he’d come around with take out, but you’d messaged on and off in between, and yes, you had wished him luck for his test. It was still a little new, this friendship thing, and it seemed you both didn’t know how to get it to progress without feeling awkward. He sounded awkward now as he spoke…

“Hey… How are you?” He didn’t give you time to reply. “How did things with Yoongi go? Unless he hasn’t been yet–Has he been yet? Sorry,” he broke off to chuckle quietly at himself. “I’m bombarding you. I just… I wanted to see if you’re okay…”

That touched you, made your chest warm, a smile appearing on your face that you were kinda glad he couldn’t see right now. “I’m fine, Dad.”

“Dad?” He repeated, confused laughter now ringing in your ears. “You know I don’t like being called that.”

You rolled your eyes, but at the same time not quite believing he’d gone there. Automatically your mind went places. You and him. A few months back. That was dangerous territory. You shook your head, physically shaking the memories away. “There’s a difference, Jin. Dad means you’re acting like my literal dad right now.”

“Ew,” he simply replied, before he paused. He sounded hesitant when he continued. “I can tell by your voice that everything’s okay?”

“Yeah,” you sighed lightly. You’d mentioned to Seokjin that today was the day last night through text, but you weren’t expecting him to phone and check up on you. That was sweet of him. “Yoongi left about half an hour ago. Took his stuff. I didn’t cry, so that’s good.”

“Definitely,” Seokjin agreed quietly.

You could hear people chattering in the background, guessing he was out in public somewhere. You absentmindedly stretched your arm above your head, catching yourself in the mirror where you stood and carried on talking. “So now I guess that’s it. I get used to being a lonely, old cat lady – just without the cats.”

That made him snicker. You smiled. You always did like making him laugh. “Shut up. Hey, are you staying at home today?”

“Mhm hm,” you nodded. Unable to help feeling a little curious.

“Oh.” There was a pause, and you wondered if that was it. Was he just making small talk? It had sounded like he was about to suggest something. You waited patiently. Maybe a little hopefully. You heard him take a large breath. At least it sounded that way. “I’m in the Starbucks near campus trying to hit 2k words on this essay. Wanna join me?”

You caught yourself smiling again. You’d been right. “Won’t you get distracted?”

He scoffed. “Don’t flatter yourself.” Before quickly backtracking. “Just kidding.” As if you didn’t know. “Can’t you bring some work along? We can motivate each other.”

Hm. You had already told Lina you were going to stay in and do housework but fresh air seemed like something that could do you good. There was no point staying inside and moping around, plus, you could make a start on some assignments… “I do have something in by Thursday.” You made up your mind instantly.

“Perfect.”

“Give me half an hour.”

You were a little longer than that. You needed to brush your hair, then change, because 2-day old sweats probably weren’t acceptable. Somewhere along the way you decided to apply some make up, the first time since the break up. It was really no big deal, you could’ve gone without, but it felt good to feel a little more human again. You grabbed what you needed and text Seokjin you were leaving. Starbucks was only about a ten-minute walk away so he knew when to roughly expect you. You were oddly excited. It had been a few days since you’d last seen him and if you were being honest, you’d been wondering when the next chance to hang out would arise.

He greeted you with a, “Got you a tea. Two sugars. Just how you like it,” which for some reason struck at heartstring.

“You remembered.”

“Of course.” He gave a little shrug as you pulled up the chair opposite him. “It wasn’t that long ago, plus you’re like the only person I know who hates coffee.”

That was true. He’d found it out the first time you’d (accidentally) slept over. Handing you a coffee in the morning definitely didn’t make you happy. Nor did not having any tea bags in his apartment. He soon learnt.

“What’s your essay on?” You asked, motioning to his laptop and laughed when he pulled a face.

“I don’t know. Something about the London stock market or some shit.”

“How come Kim Seokjin majors in the most boring subject known to man?”

“I’m hardly fun, am I?” He chuckled. Thinking about it, Seokjin was probably the dorkiest certified fuckboy you’d ever known, so maybe the business major did suit him really well. He was a good boy really. You teased him with that immediately when he judged you for pulling an iPad out of your bag to write your essay. (Who writes essays on an iPad?!) A good boy who always did his assignments on time (nearly) and always studied hard. How adorable.

He took your ribbing all afternoon, even though surprisingly you did manage to get some work done. You probably would’ve stayed there until an employee kicked you out but Seokjin had a shift at the campus gym to get to. It was in your direction home, so you said you’d walk with him as you waited for him to shove his things into his backpack.

“You look happier today,” he smiled your way as you left. Maybe he’d wanted to tell you that sooner considering how his shoulders relaxed a lot more as you began walking. The side eyes hadn’t gone amiss.

“I have make up on.” You informed him. That could deceive anyone.

He laughed, nudging your shoulder with his. “That’s not it.” Another side eye, a small small.

“What?” You giggled. Maybe you did feel happier? You were so sure today would hurt the hardest, but in actual fact, you just felt lighter. The worst was done.

“Nothing,” Seokjin shook his head lightly. “I just thought you’d be really cut up, that’s all.”

“What do you want from me?” You exclaimed dramatically with a laugh. “Want me to be crying on your shoulder?!” You nudged him this time. He stumbled a little and you rolled your eyes, unable to tell if he was just messing with you.

“No,” he whined. “I want this. Hearing your laugh again. You rolling your eyes at me. Watch it.” He warned, pointing his finger as he caught you doing it again. “You’ll lose them.” You both laughed together as you walked on. Yes, maybe it was slightly awkward, conversation stunted because Seokjin was still second guessing his comforting skills and you were unsure on how much to divulge in fear of making him too uncomfortable. Not that you really had much to tell anymore. You mostly just wanted to forget this horror of a week, so really, Seokjin was doing a great job. You told him just as much.

“Thank you.” He looked comically unsure as he glanced at you. “For today. I’m happier because this cheered me up.”

A crooked smile appeared on his face but you barely had any time to acknowledge it because you were taken by surprise when his arm wrapped around your shoulder. It took you a stunted moment to realise he was swiftly moving you out of harms way. Two seconds away from colliding with a man in suit who was looking down at his phone as he headed towards you. Embarrassingly, your own body had acted without command and it was too late to stop your own arm from clinging around his middle. Like a reflex. A strange and stupid reflex. You quickly removed it and and muttered your thanks.

If he noticed your awkwardness he didn’t bring it up. Instead, chuckling under his breath, he squeezed your shoulder before sliding away. “I’m getting good at this friendship thing.” You nodded in agreement, gaze locked on the floor, but his sudden voice in your ear made you jump. “I’m glad you’re okay.” It was embarrassing, how skittish you felt over nothing. What was up with you? You were definitely allowed to touch Seokjin, and the action shouldn’t make you feel so embarrassed. You were being dumb. You shook yourself internally, looking up at him to agree. “Me too.”

He grinned, showing no signs he’d noticed your odd behaviour and you relaxed, a little more normal now when you felt his palm at the small of your back, gently pushing you forward. “Come on. Before my boss slits my throat.”

The walk wasn’t too long away from the gym, but you still scolded him as you rushed, wondering why you couldn’t have left earlier if he knew he had to get to work. You arrived at the glass doors a little out of breath and slightly warm. Seokjin was of course looking as perfect as always. No blemishes on his face while you had to hide about 4 today with concealer. You saw him off with a, “Good luck finishing that really boring essay,” wondering silently when you’d get to see him next.

He grinned. “Thanks. I’ll need it. Hey–” His hand reached for your wrist, stopping you from leaving as you turned, and you tilted your head, wondering what he could want. He shuffled on his feet, suddenly unable to meet your eyes. “This sounds really random… You can say no if you want to.” He paused to shrug. “It’s just I really want to see Endgame but everyone I know is going with their girlfriends so unless I third wheel—which I doubt they’ll let me anyway, I have no one to go with…” He stopped to glance at you, sounding hopeful. “What do you say?”

Your eyebrows creased together. “What’s Endgame?” Either you were really dumb or Seokjin was just forgetting who he was talking to. Maybe it was a bit of both by the sounds of his voice.

“Serious?” Your blank expression told him that you were. He whined your name dramatically, clocking into work now the last thing on his mind. “It’s the new Avengers movie. The Avengers. Please tell me you know what I’m on about because otherwise we cannot be friends.”

“Of course I know what you’re on about. I just didn’t know there was a new movie, that’s all.” You shrugged and he looked instantly relieved. “I’ll come with you. Hate for you to be a loner.”

“Really?” He sounded surprised.

You nodded with a hum. “I’ll have no clue what’s going on, but it’s fine.”

“I’ll fill you in. Come on, you know Iron Man, right?”

“Yes,” you exhaled. You weren’t completely stupid. “I know Iron Man. Robert Downey Jr is pretty hot.” He paused at that, visibly bemused. Whatever. You said what you said.

“Go!” You exclaimed instead, waving your hand. He was going to be late, and you weren’t having him being fired on your conscience. “Before your boss slits that pretty little throat of yours.”

Shit. Pretty?? Why had that left your mouth? You could tell by his small smirk he caught on too. You tried to hide the shock from your face. No big deal. It was a just a saying. You turned on cue, ready to dash. “I’ll text you tomorrow? We can work out when we’re both free?”

You nodded quickly, turning to wave. “Bye, Seokjin.”

…And with that your friendship began. At first it was… odd. Not a bad odd by any means, just weird. Weird to have him back in your life and weird in the way it was. Not even a year ago you’d found it hard to believe you were fuck buddies, in the loosest form of friendship, but now it was just buddy, and that was equally as hard to believe. At first.

Once the bizarreness wore off, Seokjin’s company became so natural there didn’t seem to be a day that went past where you didn’t contact one another in some form or even hang out together. It was like he’d never not been there. Only this time it was better. You both agreed.

Friendship blossoming between the two of you may have seemed impossible to others, considering the history that you shared, Hell, it had even seemed impossible to you, but it came easily and naturally. You enjoyed learning new things about him, and you thought it was the same for him. Why else would he be so keen to hang around? You didn’t know if Seokjin was having some kind of identity crisis or if he was just showing a new side of himself to you, but these days, he was different. Not vastly – the Seokjin you had grown to be fond of was still there, knew how to teasingly exasperate you, knew how to make you laugh, but now he was a little more serious, more mature. You’d seen glimpses of that behaviour when you were both hooking up, but to be honest the sex kind of distracted you from anything else, clouded your brain… You weren’t particularly interested in his friendship back then, it had just sort of come as a vague added bonus. One you passively enjoyed but didn’t think much about.

Only, now you did see how much you’d missed him. You liked having him back in your life in this new way, and you’d be lying if you said it didn’t help distract you from your break up with Yoongi. Your chest was still heavy for a while afterwards, but you couldn’t even tell if it was a broken heart or a bruised ego. Maybe it was both, or neither… Sometimes the sadness felt strange and you couldn’t place it. Your head was still a mess and it looked like you’d never get any real answers—from Yoongi and your own mind and heart. You hated it, but you continued to remind yourself of the positives. You had loving parents only a few blocks away, great friends, Lina, who had always been your best, Seokjin… School was going well, work too, ever since you’d left shitty Wendy’s. You couldn’t really complain if one thing had gone wrong, could you? Time was all you needed, and gradually, that time with Yoongi became just a memory… Life continued going.

Seokjin Am I your best friend ?

You what do you want

You knew Seokjin well enough to know when he was buttering you up. Even after the time spent apart, it was still easy to spot the signs. That, and with these past couple of weeks, Seokjin seemed to love using the friendship you two now had as some sort of leverage for god knows what. It was buying him lunch last week because he’d conveniently forgotten his wallet at home. Two days ago it was giving him a ride to Namjoon and Hoseok’s place because his car was out of gas and he didn’t want to walk. Now it was what exactly? The suspense was killing you.

Seokjin You know me well But answer the question

You no 😂 lina is !!

Seokjin 😔 Am I your best guy friend then?

You yes but only by default

You had no other guy friend who messaged you at 2am just as you were about to hit the hay asking if you wanted to grab breakfast in the morning and then proceeded to unload his day on you as you lay there in the dark, glow of your cellphone screen hurting your eyes. Not that you minded really. You still felt like you owed Seokjin after the whole break up drama, so more often than not you were fishing for any signs of change in mood from him, waiting to pounce and pay him back in kind. Not that kind of kind though.

You were always doing that. Accidentally dropping yourself in it, making things awkward. You’d told Seokjin exactly the same right at the beginning and you still weren’t over how red your face had gotten when you’d tried to explain yourself. “Payment in kind, like a-actual kind. Comfort for comfort…” You’d stammered. He’d just wiggled his eyebrows. “What type of comfort?”

However Seokjin never gave you anything mood wise to go off, so you had to assume he was perfectly fine. Which he probably was. It was just if he wanted to ever lay bare his innermost thoughts and feelings you were there. You had a feeing if you ever told him that part he’d run for the hills. He was just happy moaning about his day through text message, sometimes call, and you happily listened even if you sometimes hummed in agreement without really concentrating...

Seokjin I’ll just ignore that YAY so will you come see Endgame again?

You AGAIN?!

Seokjin PLEASE I need to go one more time before it leaves theatres

You ask sandeul that movie was a whole three hours long THREE HOURS I’LL NEVER BET BACK

Seokjin He doesn’t want to go again PLS I’LL DO ANYTHING YOU WANT

Couldn’t he just wait until it came out on blu-ray? Then again, the ‘I’ll do anything you want’ sounded like an offer you couldn’t refuse. Maybe you could make him live to regret taking another three hours of your life away. Not that the movie was terrible. It was actually pretty good considering Seokjin had managed to give you the previous lowdowns not an hour before the screening. He didn’t need to know that though.

You hmm interesting.. ok but i’m still thinking about what you can do for me

Seokjin Omg yes Thank you I’ll pay again

You of course

Seokjin 😁 I love you 3000

You scoffed at his lame butter up. You’d already said yes, he didn’t need to sway you anymore, and an Avengers reference wasn’t going to do the trick anyway. It did make you laugh though, despite that line actually ruining you in the movie, and despite what Jin said, it ruined him too. You’d heard an awful lot of sniffing coming from beside you during that scene…

That’s how you found yourself at the movie theatre again on the weekend, eagerly waiting in line to get snacks because you’d only just finished work an hour ago and were surviving off a sandwich you’d eaten at lunch.

“Jin! Wassup brother?”

The booming voice of one of Seokjin’s friends was impossible not to hear as he passed by. You vaguely knew his face. Couldn’t remember the name though. “Oh, hey Bri.” Ah. Brain. He was with his girlfriend—Jiyeon, you knew her name. She was in your fashion history class. She smiled at you and you returned it.

“What you seeing?” Brian asked, making conversation.

Seokjin chuckled. “Endgame. Second time. I had to bribe this one to come with me again.” He nudged you playfully, grinning down at you and you laughed along with him.

“Oh?” Brain tilted his head, looking between you both almost curiously. It made you feel a little nervous and you ended up sidling closer to Seokjin. “How’s it going?” He definitely had a grin on his face when he asked you both that. He didn’t… He didn’t have the wrong idea, did he?

Seokjin seemed to realise the same thing, shifting on his feet, sounding stunted when he replied. “G-good. Yeah. It’s going good.”

“We’re seeing Dumbo.” Jiyeon cut in, probably sensing the awkwardness in the air. A true life saver. “I brought tissues just in case,” she giggled.

“You’ll need them,” you informed her, still feeling relieved she’d changed the subject. “I saw that last week with my friend actually. We cried like babies.”

“Oh, god,” Brian groaned.

“Babe! Just because you’re scared you’ll cry too,” Jiyeon teased, elbowing him.

“Never,” he insisted. You all laughed. “We better bounce.” He added, checking the time on his phone. “Movie’s in five. See you around.” He nodded at Seokjin first, then you. “Have a good one.”

You swore he winked when he said that but you told yourself you were imagining it, waving after them just as it was your turn in line. After you’d paid for your snacks and were walking to the theatre room you glanced over at Seokjin. “You could’ve asked Bri to come with you. Is he a fan? Really, you know everyone.” You chuckled.

“Hey, I’m a friendly guy,” he insisted. That was true. You swore Seokjin knew pretty much 70% of people around college, and you were pretty sure everyone liked him. He just had that type of aura. Well, nearly everyone. Yoongi was probably the only person you knew who had his problems, and given the history you didn’t really blame him.

You were about to agree when Seokjin’s phone buzzed, signalling he had a text. He opened it up without glancing at the preview and you caught your name on the screen. So did he, you guessed because he quickly locked the device and shoved it in his pocket.

“Who’s that?” You wondered. You already knew.

“Just Brian. He, uh.” A pause. Like he was trying to think, and then he chuckled. “He said ‘Enjoy the movie, nerd’.” You joined him politely. You mean, Brian could’ve said that. You didn’t see the whole message, but your name was definitely there, and Seokjin was most definitely not telling you why.

You glanced at him again, maybe he could see the suspicion on your face but he didn’t say anything. Neither did you. You could see how flush his cheeks had gotten, ears too. He was obviously feeling nervous that you’d press him further. You didn’t. You got it. People knew your history with Seokjin, it wasn’t a surprise to you anymore, and therefore, if they saw you together they’d probably think something was going on again. Like now. Brian had assumed something and that was okay. Awkward maybe, but to be expected. You smiled at Seokjin and handed him the popcorn. “He’s not wrong.”

“Hey! But yeah, he would’ve said no if I asked.” His hand fell to your lower back as he teased you and let you walk through the door first, mouth lowering to your ear, making you squirm a little. It tickled, and your skin seemed to glow where he touched you. Warm and comforting. Warm and nice. “See, you’re my only choice.”

“So what are your favourite movies?”

You let your head fall back against the headrest as you thought about Seokjin’s question. It was now over four hours later and you were parked outside your apartment. He’d given you a ride home but you’d been sat here for 30 minutes or so just talking casually. Something you hadn’t done so in-depth before. It felt nice, and you should’ve just invited him in, but in all honesty, for some reason you were worried he’d say no.

“I don’t know, I’ll watch anything really.” You shrugged after a moment. Titanic seemed too predictable and you knew Seokjin would probably tease you over it. You quickly run through some of your favourites from your teenage years. Wait. “Maybe Lord of the Rings? I loved it when I was younger.” The books were still on your to read list though. You doubted you’d ever get around to it…

“No way,” he exclaimed. “Me too!” You grinned in surprise. It was always fun realising you had things in common. The small, strange things that you’d never had any clue about. Things like favourite movies, music, or books never came into question when you were just fucking.

“I haven’t seen them in years. I always wanted to watch the extended versions all in one go. I’d probably flake though.”

“Same,” you laughed, before suddenly having an idea. “Wait. I think I know what we can do together seeing as you owe me.”

He tilted his head as he smirked a little. “Watching a movie franchise I love isn’t a punishment.”

You scoffed. “Watching Endgame twice was hardly terrible, Seokjin. I came again because I wanted to.” That made him happy. Although you thought he already knew that. These days you were just content hanging out with him, whatever the reason. You thought he knew that too.

You could hear a voice, whispering – irritating really. You were sleeping and it was interrupting you. It seemed to be getting louder, sounded an awful lot like your name, and now you were getting shaken. Woken up. Voice now familiar. Hushing your name over and over again as they tried to rouse you. You made a noise and stretched, opening your eyes. Seokjin’s face hovered over yours, blue with the glow of the television. “It’s late. You should go to bed.”

You bolted up, he just had time to pull back narrowly missing you head butting him. “What time is it?” You asked, rubbing your eyes. You were still in a daze. You remembered earlier in the night, it was your Lord of the Rings marathon you’d been planning for the last few days, and Seokjin had come over at 5pm to get an early start. You’d made snacks and then you’d ordered pizza after the first movie was done. You remembered finishing the second one and being shocked that you may actually be able to do this. That was until you began the third. You remembered hitting play and then that was it. “Did we finish Return of the King?”

Seokjin laughed, sitting back against the couch again. “No. I paused it like twenty minutes in. You’ve been asleep for nearly two hours. You groaned, leaning back too and pulling the blanket you’d had draped across you all night up over your shoulders. “Don’t worry, you did good to last that long.” He continued. “It’s nearly 4am.”

No wonder you were dead to the world, it was practically the next day. Seokjin ran a hand through his hair. It was a little bit rumpled and he moved sluggishly. He sounded a little sluggish too. Voice a little croaky. “Did you fall asleep too?��

“Yeah. I couldn’t fight it.” He sounded sheepish. Guess he hated the failure too. “I think I can drive home though.” Sitting up, he made motions to stand. “Maybe I’ll have a glass of water first. Y’know, wake up.”

“No way.” Your insistence came with trapping him with your legs. Not that it could work. He was much stronger than you, but he listened anyway, too tired to fight. “You can stay over. Is the sofa okay?”

He heaved an exhausted sigh, grabbing your ankles to move and lie across the couch, his legs now trapping your body instead. Grinning, he reached for a cushion and put it behind his head, folding an arm behind there too. “Good thing it’s comfy.”

You tried to wriggle your bottom half from under him but it was impossible. He was like lead. “Move your legs,” you whined, but he refused, unable to suppress the giant smirk on his face. You pushed and pulled at his calves. “Seokjin!” Your voice was breaking you were so tired so you think he took pity on you in the end.

“Okay, okay, I’m moving them,” he chuckled, letting you sit forward so he could stretch them out behind you.

“You’re so fucking lucky you’re wearing socks.” He laughed louder at that and you removed the blanket from yourself, leaning over to place it over him instead. It was pretty thick and he had his clothes on so he should be warm enough. “There you go. Let me tuck you in tight.” You teased, hovering to push the material under his body, travelling all the way down to his feet. You sat back to admire your handy work. He looked cosy. Cute. A large, human burrito.

“Thanks, Mom,” he drawled.

“Thought we said we’d never try that.” The words were out before you could stop them, silently cursing yourself for going there. What was with you both? He’d done something similar not so long ago too.

But if Seokjin noticed your awkwardness, he didn’t let on, just chuckled softly. “Sorry.”

You found yourself grinning and shook your head – you were being silly. Standing up, you switched the TV off and made your way slowly to bed in the newfound dark. Not that it was much of a journey. Your studio apartment had its perks. You could also see the silhouette of Seokjin the Human Burrito perfectly from where you lay.

“Night night, watch the bed bugs don’t bite,” you sang, unable to stop yourself. He just fidgeted and groaned in reply. You rolled your eyes.

You must have fallen asleep again pretty quickly because you couldn’t remember anything after that. You had no idea what the time was when you woke up, but light was streaming through the shades and you blindly stretched for your phone, knowing you’d left it somewhere on your nightstand earlier in the night. Ah ha! You found it and quickly unlocked it with your thumb. It was nearly 11am. You hated waking up late but what did you expect when you’d stayed up half the night. You peaked at Seokjin’s figure. Still asleep but now out of his burrito blanket, one leg stretched over the arm of the couch—which didn’t take much, he was too big for it anyway, and the other leg was hanging off, foot on the floor. Socks off. You couldn’t see his face, covered by the blanket, but the image made you smile. Without particularly thinking you snapped a picture, zooming in. There. Now you had the memory forever.

You laid your head back down and began clicking on those dumb mobile games you were addicted to, before getting bored when you couldn’t beat a level of some infuriating cooking restaurant game you’d only downloaded two days ago. You opened up twitter. You had some notifications from last night after tweeting a picture of your television with the opening credits of Lord of the Rings paused across it. There were a few likes but all the replies were from Seokjin.

(6:30pm) You tweeted: [Image added] LOTR MARATHON TONIGHT 🌋 💍👁🧙🏻‍♂️🧝🏻‍♀️

(6:32pm) Kim_Seokjin replied: Ur honestly the biggest nerd I know

(6:32pm) You replied: funny because i think the EXACT same about you 😜

(2:30am) Kim_Seokjin replied: And you fell asleep….. 🙄

That was a new one, he’d obviously done it when you’d first fallen asleep. Just to fall asleep not long after, you might add… You were about to point that out ever so kindly when you had a new notification. The name made your heart stop, stomach sinking.

MinYoongs liked your tweet

It hadn’t been the first time Yoongi had liked something of yours since the break up. It had been over three weeks now and in that time he’d hit the heart on a few of your tweets. At first it had upset you, but now you you didn’t mind. It was sort of comforting, knowing he kept semi up to date with you. Like a part of him was still here. You’d began liking some of his tweets and even facebook uploads too. You’d seen him around college a couple of times but not immediate enough to have a conversation. Now that you didn’t have class together your paths went back to not crossing like they had in the beginning. You’d smile and nod in his direction and he’d do the same, raising a hand in acknowledgment. It was sad to think that’s what your relationship had become now, but what could you do? A part of you was still holding out on one day being able to be friends. You mean, if you and Seokjin could do it then it was possible, right?

Only this time he liked your tweet it made you feel weird. Guilty, probably. He’d liked it even after seeing Seokjin’s replies. What did he think? You couldn’t help but wonder. It was pretty obvious Seokjin had been around your apartment watching movies on your sofa where you used to do the same with Yoongi. It was entirely innocent, but Yoongi didn’t know that. Yoongi knew Seokjin as the guy you’d been fucking before you began dating him. Yoongi knew Seokjin as the guy he’d shared you with that one stupid night. Yoongi knew Seokjin and all the history you guys shared, and he had still liked your tweet? What did that mean?

Was he totally unbothered? Did you want him to be bothered? No, you didn’t. However, you still couldn’t help but feel a little guilty. You wondered if you should message him, try to explain, but really there was nothing to explain. Doing so would just make you look like you had something to hide, and you already still felt the guilt at running to Seokjin’s place the night of the break up. Like you were hiding something from him. By Yoongi liking that tweet it showed you he was fine with whatever was going on, but you couldn’t very well hit him up like ‘Me and Seokjin are just friends. Honest.’ It was weird. He probably knew you were hanging around with one another anyway. You didn’t do it often, but you had met up around college sometimes, studied together in the library. He could’ve seen it, his friends could’ve seen it. It probably came to no surprise to him.

You were overthinking again. It was stupid and you hated doing it. Seokjin stirred, the sound of his phone falling onto the floor making you both jump. He groaned as he reached for it and you took the opportunity to banish your thoughts. There was no point worrying over things you couldn’t control nor knew the answers to. “You awake?”

“Mpmph. Morning.”

His voice was raspy, thick with sleep, but at least he was semi intelligible. “Couch still comfy?”

“Yeah. I wanna take that back.” He said as he shifted, sitting up. You bit back the urge to laugh. His hair was flattened in the back, face puffy. It had been a while since you’d seen him like this. “It’s like lying on concrete after a while.”

“Sorry.” A giggle slipped and he stared you down, just making you laugh harder if anything.

He shook his head in defeat. “Anyways, wanna eat and finish where we left off?” You nodded immediately, discarding your phone on the nightstand quickly. Maybe your mind couldn’t switch off fully but you were thankful for the help. Even if Seokjin didn’t know he was doing just that.

“God. Will you quit it.”

“Quit what?” You wondered cluelessly, looking up from your phone to see Lina sentencing death with one glare.

“Messaging Jin every two seconds.”

You paused, feeling a little sheepish, like you’d been caught doing something you shouldn’t. Which was stupid because 1) You’d been messaging him in plain sight and 2) You were definitely not doing anything wrong. It wasn’t your fault Lina treated Seokjin like he was the antichrist… You locked your phone and shoved it down the side of her couch. “It’s fine. He’s going to work now anyway.”

That didn’t appease her though. You could feel her eyes still on you, even though you’d tried to make yourself as small as possible as you began watching whatever was on the TV. You finally gave in, glancing over at her expectantly. Whatever she wanted to say she should just go for it.

“Tell me the truth, are you sleeping with him again?”

“No! What?!” Okay. You hadn’t been expecting that at all. “Lina, shut up.” You brushed her off.

“Well, I don’t know. You kept it quiet for months the first time.”

How could she even think that? Yes, you were hanging out with him quite a lot now, and yes, you had kept your hook ups secret from her for the longest time, but that was all in the past. You kept it hidden because you weren’t particularly proud of it, but as time past it became harder and harder to tell her, even if you no longer cared because you began to like Seokjin as a person and not just as a good fuck. In the end you were no longer embarrassed, just awkward.

“We’re just friends.” It would never happen again between the two of you. Hook ups weren’t your thing now. It hadn’t ended particularly badly but things had gotten complicated for no good reason. You didn’t want that anymore. You liked what you had with him now and were thankful for him.

“Sure about that?” She pressed, her tone telling you she didn’t believe you at all.

“Very sure.” You insisted. She wouldn’t budge. Had that annoying pretentious look on her face that drove you crazy. “Want to see our messages?” You added as a joke but her eyes lit up. “Oh, my god. You do, don’t you?!” She didn’t give you an answer, but had the decency to look sheepish. “Do it!” You exclaimed, grabbing your phone to open up your messages and give it to her.

She began to scroll hesitantly, reading upwards, as if you weren’t already judging her nosy little ass. You couldn’t help but joke around though. “There’s no dick pics, if that’s what you’re eager to see.”

She pulled a face. “Ew. My eyes would never recover.” You scoffed. You both knew despite her distaste for Seokjin she had definitely asked you to confirm if his dick was as big as people said when she’d found out about your promiscuous activities. So she couldn’t say shit despite gagging when you’d gone into detail, (it had involved a quick sketch and comparisons), but otherwise you ignored her, letting her read conversations that weren’t even that interesting. Whatever she expected to find, she didn’t of course. “What is this?” She asked you, now scrolling aimlessly.

“Pretty boring, right?”

“Why are you having a whole conversation about Lord of the Rings? It lasted two days?!” The judgment in her tone was classic Lina, but more than that she was just honestly bewildered. Until— “I love you 3000?! Why is he telling you he loves you?”

You rolled your eyes. “Relax. It’s an Avengers reference.”

“Oh for god’s sake. You’ve gone full nerd. He’s confessing his love with movie references.”

“He’s not confessing anything,” you sighed. As if. Seokjin falling in love with you, even anyone, just seemed hilarious. Maybe when he was thirty something. You watched her scroll up some more until she got bored and handed it back to you. “Innocent, right?”

“I guess so…”

You laughed. How was she still so suspicious? “Now will you drop it?”

“Fine.” She sighed. “It does look like you two have some sort of friendship going on. Who am I to judge.”

“Finally. So you admit Seokjin isn’t so bad?” You grinned. Mostly teasing her, but also pretty happy she was finally beginning to understand your friendship with Seokjin.

She stared at you. “I wouldn’t go that far. But yeah, it doesn’t seem like he’s trying to slip inside somewhere.”

You wrinkled your nose. “Definitely not.” Like you’d told her before, if that was the case he would’ve just asked outright. You glanced over at her again, realising she was still watching you carefully. As if trying to spot any slip ups. “What?”

“What about you?” She asked almost cryptically.

“What about me?”

“You’ve been awfully happy lately.”

Her tone was a little accusing, despite the context. “I can’t be happy now?”

“Of course you can.” She exclaimed. “It’s just you know, considering what went down with Yoongi and all… It wasn’t that long ago.”

“It’s been long enough,” you shrugged. Seemed like a lifetime ago. Seemed like you and Yoongi never happened… “Lina, I’m done moping. Have been for a while. Me and him tried and it failed. That’s life.”

“Okay, okay,” she chuckled quietly. “I’m not getting at you. I think it’s good you’re not beating yourself up about it.” She give you a knowing look. It wouldn’t have been the first time you’d blamed yourself. Shockingly, she was right. You hadn’t gone full self loathing mode this time around. “I’m just worried… You don’t want more with Jin, do you?”

“Huh?” Her question caught you off guard, as did her gentle voice. The thought hadn’t even crossed your mind, but maybe you could understand why it had crossed hers. Every guy you’d ever seemed to get involved with you’d fallen for. Despite however adamant you were to keep things unattached sometimes. Seokjin was the only guy that hadn’t happened with, yet he proved to be the guy that was the kindest to you. The one who meant the most.

“You’ve been hanging out a lot lately. At first I thought it was just a distraction for you, but well, you sure you haven’t fallen for him?”

“I haven’t,” you shook your head. You replied without really thinking. Automatically. “We’re just friends.” Because you were, and it worked that way. It really did.

“Okay,” she nodded and smiled, letting it go. She did genuinely seem to believe you. “Whatever makes you happy. I just don’t want you getting hurt again, that’s all.” You smiled back, unable to fight the urge to hug her. She received it happily. Lina was your best friend. Had been since high school. She was the one you could be a little more vulnerable around, show your gentler side to, and likewise. She was a lot harder skinned than you though. Yours was mainly for show. She truly took no shit.

“Just don’t go replacing me with him, got it?” She joked, pulling away.

“Awh, is that what you’re worrying about, Lina?” You teased, clinging to her as you rubbed your face in her neck. “Don’t worry, there’s only one of you. You’re not going anywhere.”

“Get off,” she giggled. “Of course there’s only one of me.”

“I am happy that you like Seokjin now though.” You couldn’t help but slip in, the teasing now over.

She scoffed, blowing air. “Wouldn’t go that far.” You just shrugged, about to suggest you order some food but she squealed, suddenly remembering something. “Oh my god, wait! I was supposed to tell you! Summer is getting into astrology and she told me about this really cool app!” She pulled out your phone and you laughed at her dramatic excitement. “Download it too and let’s see how compatible we are! I need to know if we’re going to be best friends for ever.”

…And she called you the nerd?

“I wanna start working out.”

You paused from browsing a rack of clothes to glance at Seokjin, waiting for his response. You’d made up your mind to go to the mall today after class and for some reason, after telling him, “Do you want to come to?” rolled from your tongue. He agreed almost instantly, so here you were, Seokjin following by your side as you aimlessly (window) shopped.

He had an eyebrow cocked. “You do?”

“Mmhm,” you nodded, pulling a shirt from a pole to hold it up to your body. You met his eyes in the mirror. “I think I want abs.”

He scoffed instantly. “Abs?! You’ll give up before that.”

“I won’t,” you whined, pushing him with your elbow as you slotted the shirt back with the others. He grabbed ahold of your arm naturally, playfully pushing you back. “It can’t be that hard anyway?”

Maybe abs were a little too ambitious. You just felt the need to start working out, to get healthy, change your diet. You often got these spur of the moment plans but if you were being real, you never stuck to them. There was the time you and Lina decided to go jogging three times a week before classes. That lasted one week. There was also that time you tried to follow a pilates youtube video… You lasted ten minutes. The video was forty. This time was a little bit different though. You had Seokjin. He worked out every day (at least he used to), and he worked in the goddamn campus gym. You needed a motivator and he was the perfect candidate. At least he he had been.. You were taking his negativity quite personally.

He agreed. Slightly. “It probably won’t for you, no, but I don’t think you have the willpower though.”

You scowled at his smirk. He just looked amused. “Excuse you. You’re just afraid mine will look better than yours.”

“I don’t have them anymore,” he chuckled.

“Really?” You did not believe him whatsoever. “Liar. Show me.” Your hands were bunching up his t-shirt before you really had time to realise what you were doing, your fingers slipping under, brushing against his stomach. Still hard and just as warm as you remembered. Something jumped inside of you. It was gone before you had time to place it.

He hissed your name with a baffled laugh, grabbing your hand. “We’re in public.”

This time the sensation in your gut stayed longer when it appeared. You had enough time to understand it but you pushed it away, taking your hand back with a roll of eyes. You ignored how hot your face felt and acted as usual, beginning to toddle off. “Whatever. I’m joining the college gym. I’ll find someone else to help me if you don’t.”

“Ah, I see,” he called after you, speeding up to catch you up. You could hear the slight tease in his voice, which wasn’t doing anything for your jostled hormones. Damn time of the month. That’s what you’d blame it on. “This is just a ploy to see me more. Hanging out at my place of work now? I think I’ll just show up at yours too. I have a sudden interest in fashion.”

He nudged you with his shoulder and you scoffed. “With your dress sense? Try again.” You couldn’t help but laugh at the look of indignation on his face.

He sighed in defeat. “Fine. If I help you get fit, you can help me dress better.”

You stopped, a handbag catching your eye, but also, bless him. “Seokjin, you dress fine enough,” you said as you turned to him. White t-shirt, a black cardigan, jeans that had holes in at the knees, black converse. It was all very casual prep. Effortless, because you knew for a fact Seokjin just picked whatever out of his closet and slipped it on in the mornings. Very boy next door. You wouldn’t really have it any other way.

That didn’t seem to satisfy him though, going by the pout he gave you. “You just laughed at me.”

You needed to physically clench your fists to stop you from reaching up and attempting to pinch those lips of his. Madness. “I really like your style. It suits you.”

“You do?”

He looked happy with that, lips now quirking up a little at the edges. You nodded sincerely. “Yep. It’s cosy. Although, you could probably do with wearing tighter fitting shirts.” He cocked an eyebrow at your suggestion. “You know, to show of this…” Those pesky hands of yours found themselves gliding across his shoulders. You caught Seokjin’s eyes and smiled quickly, awkwardly no doubt and pulled away, grabbing the handbag off the rack to uselessly look at. “Girls will like that a lot. Not that you need help.” You muttered the last part, unsure if he heard you.

He did, chuckling quietly. “I’m not interested.”

You paused, trying to decipher his words. He wasn’t interested in the shirts or the girls? It had to be the former, Kim Seokjin was always interested in girls. Although, saying that, you hadn’t heard him talk about any since you’d began hanging out together. Not that he had to. That would probably be weird. No, scrap that. It would definitely be weird. You did not want to hear about his hook ups and likewise for him most probably. Not that there were any hook ups. You were taking a much-needed break. Seokjin was the only man you needed in your life, which sounded incredibly cheesy now that you’d thought it.

“I’ll still help you though,” he continued, following you as you began strolling again, heading for the exit.

“Oh my god, yay! Thank you!” You gleed, unable to stop yourself from latching onto his arms and squeezing him. God. What was with you and physical contact today? Maybe you’d always done it, you were just paying extra attention today? Truthfully, ever since Lina had given you the third degree the other night you kept questioning every small thing you did towards Seokjin. Silly because there was nothing to second guess. He definitely didn’t do the same.

You kept your distance after that, looking around the mall for a sports store. “I need to find something to wear,” was your excuse. “Surely you have a pair of leggings and a t-shirt at home,” was his response. Which was the dumbest thing he could say to you seeing as you were the world’s biggest shopper.

“Let’s get doughnuts first,” he said after a few minutes of searching, catching you by surprise when he grabbed ahold of your elbow. He looked like he realised what he did because he pulled back quickly. Okay so maybe it wasn’t just you… You happily followed him anyway, the smell making your belly rumble.

“You have to start eating healthy if you want abs. This is your last chance to get that treat.” He teased, laughing a little too sadistically when he saw you frown at the realisation…

“That wasn’t too bad.” You commented, making your way to the exit of the gym with Seokjin close behind you. You’d waited an extra twenty minutes for him to finish his shift so he could give you a ride home and now if you were being honest, you couldn’t wait to get in and run a bath. Seokjin didn’t need to know that though.

He said your name disapprovingly behind you, tugging off his lanyard to shove in his hoody pocket. You must say, Seokjin’s gym attire was something else. You hadn’t seen him in a pair of shorts for months and his thighs had definitely gotten bigger. Not that you were staring…

“What?” You puzzled, confused by his tone.

“You went on the running machine for half and hour and then did some squats.”

Okay, the patronising dick. “Some?! That was like a hundred!” He was the one who suggested starting off easy, and FYI, squats kinda burned if you weren’t used to them. Seokjin scoffed in reply, adding a “that wasn’t a hundred,” and you went to glare at him as you pushed the glass door open but some guy did so for you, already pulling it from the other side to enter. “Ladies first,” he grinned at you, letting you slide past him.

“Thank you,” you smiled back, noticing Seokjin almost push his way past after you. “At least there are nice people here,” you shot.

He pulled a face instantly. “You serious? They’re nice because they want to fuck you.” Your affronted expression said it all, and because you didn’t believe him, you whipped your head around, immediately catching the guy who’d held the door open for you looking back too. He smirked when he noticed he had your attention. You shot your head forward quickly, eyes wide.

“See.” Seokjin exclaimed. “I had to watch pretty much every guy check you out.” He sounded almost pissed. Nah. It was probably just your imagination. Bet you anything he just found it lame.

“Get lost.”

“No, really.” He insisted. “I don’t know how to tell you this, but your…” He hesitated and you looked up, curious but also regretting instantly when you did. “Your ass looks really good in those pants. I think you can skip the squats next time.”

You really had to be looking him in the eyes when he said that. You felt your face heat up immediately. Much more of a reaction than when that guy had smirked at you. “You were looking too?!” You exclaimed.

“Hey,” he whined. “It’s not my fault! I’m a guy, and in my defence, we have history.” A little shrug. “Things pop into my mind. Can’t control it.”

“Seokjin,” you gasped. What did that even mean? You couldn’t believe the words were coming out of his mouth.

“What? I’m just being honest.” He sounded so casual you just kept silent. Speechless by his gall. “Come on, get in. You’ll be aching soon,” he added, stopping by his car and opening the passenger’s side up for you.

You rode in complete silence. You didn’t want it to be awkward but it was. Not because he’d made you feel uncomfortable, but just because you couldn’t stop thinking about what he’d said. Why were you repeating his words over and over again inside your head? Why were you pretty sure your face was now as red as a tomato? It definitely wasn’t the working out…

“Same time tomorrow?” He asked when he pulled up outside your door and stopped the engine. He sounded fine, natural and breezy. Hopefully he hadn’t caught onto your awkwardness but quite possibly he was just good at hiding it.

You forced a smile. If he could be unaffected, so could you. “I’ll be there fighting fit.”

He smiled dubiously. “I won’t hold my breath.”

“Hey,” you shot quietly, feeling better now despite his doubt in your ability.

“I start at 4, finish at 8.”

You nodded, stepping out onto the sidewalk and waved him goodbye. “Bye, Seokjin.” He sounded soft when he copied, your name almost hushing from his lips. You felt a tug in your chest. You needed water. You were dehydrated.

And that was the story of how Seokjin became your very own personal trainer. Or so he liked to call it. He didn’t particularly help whatsoever. Just ordered you about and then laughed at you when you struggled. “I could get you fired for this,” you’d shot this evening, sweat pouring down your temples as you’d basically crawled off the rowing machine.

“And I could get you banned for flirting with the staff,” had been his comeback. “Maybe arrested for stalking too.”

Despite your initial affronted expression, you couldn’t help but laugh. Something had changed recently between the two of you. Maybe you were just getting a lot more comfortable given all the time you spent together. Maybe it was something else. You didn’t know and you didn’t really want to dwell too much on it. Seokjin was a flirt after all, and you were okay with that. You didn’t mind joking around with him.

If you were being honest, you didn’t mind anything when it came to him. Which was why you were willing to practically cripple yourself in order to carry on going to the gym. Sometimes when Seokjin wasn’t getting paid to step foot into the gym, he went with you anyway and you got to sneak a peek as he worked out too. You were only human after all, and Seokjin still had a body that made your mind susceptible to dirty thoughts. You now understood what he meant about being unable to stop things popping into his head. But it was fine. Natural and expected to an extent. Seokjin was your friend, and just your friend, like you’d already insisted to Lina.

“This is the worst.”

You heard Seokjin snicker a bit behind you, having fallen back a few steps while he checked his cellphone. Whose bright idea was it to walk to and from the gym, and today of all days? “You’re walking like you’ve shit yourself.”

You snapped your neck around. If looks could kill. “Shut up.” You’d storm off but it hurt too much so all you could do was attempt to speed hobble. Seokjin soon caught up up.

“I told you not to row a kilometre.” Condescending as usual. “It was your first time. That shit burns if you’re not used to it.”

“Already?” You whimpered. Usually it took until the next day, a few hours at least, until the burn was apparent. You were a goddamn fool. Who knew pulling back and forth repeatedly could fuck you up so bad. “What am I going to be like tomorrow?”

You wanted at least some sympathy but you didn’t get it. “Worse.” The most casual of shrugs. “You’ve used muscles you don’t usually work.”

“I’ve used muscles I didn’t know I had!”

He laughed at that. Genuinely amused. “You’re a weakling. You need to gain some strength and stamina. It doesn’t come automatically. If you want those abs you need to be working out every day. Maybe go running in the morning, cycling… ” You groaned as he spoke. You hadn’t ridden a bike in years. Why was there so much work to look good? Seokjin made it look effortless, the dick.

He laughed again. This time lower but closer to you, his breath puffing against the back of your neck as he took you by surprise and gripped your waist with his hands. “C’mon, let me help you. Guide you.” Patronising. You wanted to tell him that but your mouth wasn’t working. You walked as he did, letting him escort you down the remaining length of the sidewalk with a gentle push.

“Four more steps forward. Turn left to be met with your apartment door. Up the two steps.” Lifting your legs awkwardly, he brushed into you, crotch against your ass. You were going to hell. Your mind went to places embarrassingly quickly.

“Keys.” You were suddenly cold when he removed his hands from you to search through your bag. Just for your hand to be met with the familiar warmth as he cupped it. It took you a moment to realise he’d pressed the key into your palm. He sighed. Thankfully mistaking your airhead for post-workout soreness. “I’ll do it then.” He guided your hand to the door. “Forward. Insert into hole.”

“Oh my god.” You couldn’t help but mutter that one. At least there was a part of your brain still working… The incredibly perverted part, but a part nonetheless.

“Do you have to make everything so dirty?” He looked down at you, dramatic judgement in his tone. You felt him twist the key in your hand, opening the door. He looked you dead in the eyes as he spoke again. “Turn and open wide. Well done!”

That was definitely on purpose. You could tell by the smirk that couldn’t help but sneak its way on his face. You’d chew his ear off but he was immediately getting behind you again, wrapping his arms around your middle and before you knew it he was lifting you up, ignoring your squealing as you clutched onto his hands. “Now to get your poor frail body through the threshold.” There was an obvious fake strain to his voice as he did so and it was over in seconds, putting you down as soon as he’d raised you a few inches off the ground.

You rounded on him immediately. “I regret inviting you over if I knew you were going to be such a jackass.”

He raised his hands up as a peace offering. “This is all just very amusing to me.”

You couldn’t be bothered to argue, making your way to the couch to collapse onto (slowly, if possible), and let your body just buzz. You couldn’t tell if it was the muscles you didn’t know you had contracting, or if it was the lingered feeling of Seokjin’s hands on your body… That sounded pathetic. “I’m never moving,” you declared loudly, speaking truth but also trying to distract yourself.

Seokjin watched you and chuckled, shaking his head slowly. “I’ll get you something to drink.”

“Alcohol!” You shouted (unnecessarily, it was a one room apartment after all…) as he walked a little way forward to your kitchenette. “And chips. Fuck the healthy diet. I need sustenance.”

You switched on the television as Seokjin pottered away, opening cupboards as he searched for something suitable. It was cute how he knew where your drinking glasses were kept and where you kept your snacks. Maybe he never forgot from before…

“There you go,” he said, dropping a bag of chips into your lap from above. You opened them immediately, feasting like you hadn’t eaten all day. “Will this do? It’s all you had.” You looked up at him, seeing him holding a green bottle. When he spoke again he sounded uncertain. “Sour apple?”

You wrinkled your nose. “It’s nasty stuff. Give it to me!”

He laughed at your outstretched arm and sat next to you, reaching for the drinking glass under his arm so he could pour you some. He passed it to you and you took a tentative sip, the familiar sickly and artificial taste making you wince. But you needed something to ease those poor muscles of yours, and because you weren’t a major drinker, this was all your stupid self had hiding away in your cupboards.

You watched Seokjin sniff inside the bottle just as cautious but for some reason he took a giant swig, making a loud noise of objection as soon as the liquid slipped down his throat. “Ew. What the fuck is that?! It’s vile.”

“Right? It’s gross,” you agreed, chuckling as he stuck out his tongue, and it was already toxic waste green. “It made me throw up like crazy a few months back.” Funny, you still remembered (bits of) that night when Yoongi had looked after you, but the memories no longer made you feel sad, dejected. That was indeed a good thing. You took your own sniff, now dubious. “It’s not too old, right?”

“Nah, should be fine,” he shrugged, taking another sip. He winced all the way through it. “I think you’re supposed to make cocktails with it, or at least shots.”

You eyed your generously poured glass. “Go big or go home, huh?”

“You are home,” he commented, thinking he was clever. You went to kick him, forgetting your legs were fucked up and yelled out. Seokjin chuckled, grabbing your ankles one by one so he could lift your legs over his lap. “I guess this is my fault as your personal trainer and all,” he teased, beginning to rub one of your calves with his free hand. You didn’t have time to freak out about the physical contact this time around, because in all honesty, the sensation felt amazing for your poor, hurt muscles.

He continued for a little while until he got bored (called it), but you kept your legs there. After all, he hadn’t pushed them away, and like you said, it was helping your muscles… You don’t know why them being on his lap specifically helped, it was all probably psychological, but whatever, for once you weren’t going to overthink things.

Soon enough sporadic sips of the toxic waste became too much and you pulled a face, groaning loudly. “I’m beginning to feel a little sick.”

“Yeah, let’s stop,” he agreed, all while taking one last glug that made you giggle when he stuck his tongue out in disgust. He smiled at you, seemingly amused by something. You didn’t know what. Himself? Seemed about right. You were going to ask when he huffed your legs from him and took your glass from your hand as he stood up. “Not worth it. The stuff feels like it’s swimming in my veins.” You watched him walk towards your sink, looking over his shoulder to shoot you a question as he hovered the bottle over the basin. “May I?” You nodded, glad to see the back of the green liquid as it poured down the drain.

“Noodles?” He suggested shortly after.

“Please.” Maybe it would help get rid of the awful taste inside your mouth. You were dumb for even considering the drink once again. Thankfully, Seokjin also poured you a glass of water, which you downed in one go, sicky feeling leaving you as you munched on the slightly hard ramen.

Somewhere along the line, Seokjin took the remote from between your bodies and started browsing through Netflix. You complained about how even though there was so much choice you could never find anything new to watch. You’d watched everything good. He listened to you politely, a slight smile on his face because by now you were tired, you could tell, your words seeping into one another, or maybe it was that evil drink seeping into your brain. Never again.

In the end you suggested something he’d surely protest to. Angsty teenage vampires didn’t seem his thing, but shockingly he agreed to the first episode of The Vampire Diaries. You didn’t even have to try and persuade him with a little backstory, about how it used to be your favourite show back in high school. You warned him within the first two seconds that if he wasn’t Team Damon, he could leave your apartment right this instant and never come back. Thankfully he agreed that Damon was far hotter than Stefan, so it all worked out perfectly. You knew you could always count on Seokjin.

You didn’t make it through to the end. Your noodles sat on your coffee table half eaten, your head having fallen onto Seokjin’s shoulder, eyes half closed. Could very well be near dribbling knowing your luck. Not that he seemed to care. He let you snooze on him, his arm crushed into your side, his warmth making you all that cosier. Honestly, a nice blanket draped over the two of you could do the trick right now. You could really fall asleep, and fall asleep good. However, just as that was happening it was all over, Seokjin shaking you gently, telling you the episode had finished.

“What time is it?” You asked, voice thick, eyes heavy.

He checked his phone, chuckling. “11pm.”

You groaned, lifting your head and rubbed your eyes. “God, I’m old.”

He laughed harder. “I can’t believe the gym fucked you up already. I think you should get to bed.”

“Can’t move remember.” Your thighs and calves felt even more stiff now. Call you dramatic, but the thought of moving seemed like the worst thing in the world. Why couldn’t you have just slept on Seokjin’s shoulder all night? He was such a spoil sport. You were going to tell him that before he jumped to his feet, standing in front of you and leaving you confused.

“I’ll just have to carry you then.” He said matter-of-factly, and you didn’t have another second to process his words before he was hooking one arm under your knees, one around your back and lifting you effortlessly.

“Oh my god,” you squealed, instinctively wrapping your arms around his neck and clutching on for dear life.

He strained a groan as he straightened his back, taking a few staggered steps backwards, catching his balance, before he turned and began in the direction of your bed. “You’re so lucky the journey isn’t far.”

The noise that left you could only be described as indignant as you slapped between his shoulder blades. How dare he be so dramatic, but trust karma to always pull through. He lost his footing and tripped as he climbed the platform that held your bed. He managed to drop you down unscathed albeit for the sudden shock of your back bouncing against mattress, but he also went with you, palms pressing into the sheets, caging your body with his. All he needed was to swing your legs up, cage them in too. As it would, they hung limply off the bed, just as dazed as you.

The thought entered your mind immediately and wouldn’t leave. You used to love being under him. Even when you looked up at him, assuming he’d gain his bearings and move away. He didn’t. You mean, he eased up a little, hands no longer either side of your head, but somehow they found their way to your hips, urging you too lift your legs onto the bed. You did so silently, not taking your eyes from him. It was strange. One of you should have said something by now. Seokjin should have joked around, apologised for being clumsy. You should have moaned at him, whined he could have killed you. But there was none of that.

Instead he gave you a small smile, looking down at you. “Your breath stinks of apple and your tongue is so green.”

You weren’t expecting that. It caught you off guard and just like that, the moment was over. Ruined maybe, but you wouldn’t let yourself think like that. You didn’t want to think about how Seokjin’s voice sounded all soft and gentle. Like something you’d never heard before, not even when he used to be between your legs similar to this, but naked and sweaty. Sure, you’d heard his voice needy and low many a time, but never like this. This was something else. He was cautious but couldn’t help himself. He was nervous but wanted to hide it.

You listened. “Yours does too.” You whined, your voice now sounding alien as you twisted your head, trying to get away from the sour apple but in the process getting away from him. Nothing personal, you were just afraid you were going crazy.

Still caged under him, his hands still around your hips, you were still hyperaware of his touch and the air was almost a little suffocating, even if you were just imagining it. Your idea proved futile anyway, because you could feel his breath against your neck now, and that was way, way worse. Until maybe he suddenly realised how questionable this position looked, or maybe it really was no big deal, and he moved away naturally, the warmth of his palms leaving your body as he slipped to the side of you, lifting his feet from the floor to slide his legs under him to sit down.

You stretched your legs out, now welcoming the ache because it distracted you. You also welcomed the cool air because your skin felt hot and itchy. You tried to read Seokjin’s face for anything that told you he was feeling the same way. His cheeks were a little flushed and just peeking out from under the collar of his t-shirt was an equally red patch. For the first time in a long time, probably since you’d embarked on this serious friendship mission, you felt a little awkward in his presence, and that made you feel guilty. You were the problem. Nothing had happened just now, it was all in your head, and he could probably feel how awkward you were being. You clenched your jaw, making a decision right then and there. Everything was normal.

“Yeah, think abs aren’t for me,” you said as casually as you could muster lying about half a metre down your bed as Seokjin sat next to you. “I much prefer my rolls.”

It seemed to work. He looked semi relieved you were making conversation and laughed. “You don’t have rolls, shut the fuck up.”

“I do!” You insisted, wide eyed. “Look!” You reached a hand under your shirt to squeeze the skin, flashing him your stomach, which now, in hindsight, seemed like a bad idea.

Although you were probably looking into it too much because he gave it one fleeting glance and rolled his eyes. “You really don’t.” There, that told you. You pulled a face as you smoothed your t-shirt back down.

“I can’t believe you’re quitting after not even two weeks. At least stick it out for the month you paid for.”

You groaned, knowing he was right but not wanting to listen. You were done with the gym. All it did was hurt and mess with your mind. If you hadn’t seen Seokjin working out these past few days you wouldn’t be in this predicament right now. Another one of your bright ideas that turned out to be dumb. Really dumb. “I’m tired.”

He chuckled under his breath. “I’ll go. Leave you to sleep.”

He’d misunderstood. You weren’t tired in that sense. You mean, you had been not ten minutes ago, but now you were still high on the rush of that internal panic. No, you were tired of thinking. Everything had been fine a couple of weeks ago. You were over your break up with Yoongi, finally at peace with everything that had gone on. Life was good, college, work, friends, and then Lina had to open her big mouth and now you were back to almost square one. Your brain wouldn’t switch off. You couldn’t really tell Seokjin that though. Sorry, no, I meant tired of overthinking every little second that me and you share. I’m tired of maybe, potentially questioning this friendship for no good reason. Sorry to make it awkward… It didn’t sound good, did it?

“You don’t have to go. Stay.” Fuck. The words were out before you could stop them. Like your mind was working without you. “It’s late now. I don’t want you to walk home in the dark.”

He shot you a look that told you he thought you’d lost it. “I’m sure I’ll be fine. Plus, your couch is so uncomfy. I can’t do it a second time.”

“You can sleep here.” That damn mouth of yours. “In my bed.” You were making it worse each time you opened it. Why were you inviting him into your bed?!

Sure, it could be taken as innocent, probably would any other day, but the look in his eyes as he stared at you, definitely trying to read your expression, find something in your tone, told you he was slowly picking up on something here. Your awkwardness again.

“Top to tail?” He finally asked, and you nodded quickly. Probably too quickly.

“If you want.”

He narrowed his eyes. You got nervous. “You’re a little drunk. I can tell.”

“Am not.” You shook your head. Maybe the damn drink had made you sleepy earlier, but you definitely weren’t drunk. You wish. Although… this could potentially be a blessing in disguise. Could explain your weird behaviour. You’d be the girl who got drunk off a handful of sips of alcohol if it meant having a free pass.

“Are to,” he insisted, but something told you he was also pretending. It made it easier to say no to you. “I can’t accept your offer. You might live to regret waking up to my feet in your face.”

“I don’t think I will.” You didn’t regret a thing where he was concerned. That thought seemed to glow in the forefront of your mind suddenly.

“Better to be on the safe side.”

You scoffed, but deep down you couldn’t help but feel a little dejected. Which was stupid because did you really want Seokjin to sleep in your bed? What would happen if he did? Did you want something to happen? You fleeted back to how nice it had been to fall asleep on his shoulder earlier, fleeted back to his lingering touch on your body when he’d tripped… That intimacy, if you could call it that, that familiarity was still itching at your skin, and you could quite honestly say right now, that if Seokjin ended up sharing your bed tonight, you didn’t know what would happen.

Not that he wanted to sleep next to you. That much was obvious. He was looking for a way to decline and the idea of you being drunk was a little farfetched but successful. Seokjin didn’t want you like that anymore, and that was okay. You were friends and you were happy with that. You liked it and you didn’t want to ruin things, because sometimes you had a tendency to ruin everything. Or at least it seemed like you did…

You watched him shuffle off your bed, you lifting your legs up so his feet could hit the floor. “I’ll text you when I get home. Just to let you know.” He teased, lips attempting to quash his amused smile.

“Seokjin, wait,” you called, sitting up too to grab him by the wrist as he moved to stand up. He turned back, waiting – and you swear this – almost hopefully. The moment was back, if just for a millisecond. He was waiting for you to say something, but not out of manners, out of hope. He was hoping you’d say something. Just what?

Did he want you to persuade him to stay, to beg him? If you knew he wanted that, you’d give it to him. You always could persuade him well… And if he wanted to spend the night, how was up to him. You wouldn’t think of the consequences, of the the damage it could cause between you two. You’d just act in the moment, because if truth be told, your skin was still hot, still itchy, tingling now, with the sudden wonder, and there was an urge in your gut you hadn’t felt for a long time…

However, you didn’t say anything, or do anything. You couldn’t. Not when you were so unsure about his intentions, your intentions. You swallowed and smiled, letting go of his wrist to point towards your wicker chair. “Can you pass me my pyjamas?”

And that was that. The moment was over again. “Sure.” Seokjin smirked back, the smallest of laughs leaving him as he rose and grabbed them, handing them too you quickly. If he was disappointed, he hid it well.

Not long after, he was gone, the click of the apartment door ringing in your ears. The silence didn’t really bring you clarity.

“Don’t be moody.” You told Seokjin, fighting back your laughter. You could still make out his pout in the darkness of your apartment. “Ikea furniture gets to the best of us. No need to sulk.”

“I’m not being moody,” he insisted but the tension in his voice told you otherwise. “The bed is fucking stupid!” You finally let yourself giggle, unable to stop as you sat up in your makeshift bed—a mattress on the floor because the frame laid discarded against the wall, screws and bolts strewn across the floor.

You could see Seokjin’s look of disbelief even in the dim glow of the street lamps outside. He shut you up with his mouth. You weren’t expecting that, but let it happen anyway. Letting him push you onto your back again and clamber over your body. You continued to laugh between each glide of his mouth though, hands running down his back.

He pulled away, whining lowly. “Why are you still laughing?”

“It’s just funny.” You upturned your shoulders. “You trying to act all cool and collected when you’re mad as hell.” You’d never seen Seokjin angry or frustrated before so this was all very brand new and amusing to you.

He glared at you. “I’ll give you funny.” Your hips rolled obediently when you felt his hand slip inside your underwear, reattaching his mouth to yours. “—and mad,” he grunted into your mouth.

“Okay,” you replied easily, clutching onto him as his finger rubbed at your entrance before pushing carefully inside. After all, that’s what he’d been here for. He’d come over to build your bed and “christen” it as he’d so lovely put it. You’d only just moved in to your own place and you were beyond ecstatic to have your own space, and so was Jin, because, and this was in his own words, “Great, a new place to fuck.”

You guessed the details didn’t matter, he was still christening your new bed. The mattress was the most important part. Who cared if Seokjin couldn’t follow a simple set of instructions. You weren’t judging him…honest… Besides, the sex like this was amazing. He had a lot of pent up frustration to get rid of and you gladly took it.

“We’re not making a sound,” he groaned, your legs wrapped around his waist as he kneeled and fucked into you hard and fast. Your shorts were hanging off one ankle, his t-shirt stretched at the neck where you’d tugged it out of shape. “Who knew n-no bedframe was the answer to quiet sex.” You moaned loudly in response, unable to give him anything else.

“Still making you moan though,” he almost menaced, reaching for your ankles to push your legs forward, dick slipping deeper, about to penetrate your gut and kill you if he wasn’t careful. The noises that left you sounded crazed. He cocked an eyebrow, still as smug as ever despite the slack jaw and heavy breathing. “What will your neighbours think?”

“I’m going to kill you,” you attempted to seethe, nearly biting down on your bottom lip. As if you wanted to be known to your new neighbours as the girl who had sex loudly.

He just laughed, hands on your hips now as he began to jerk you. “Flip over,” he grunted, slipping out of you as he successfully rolled you onto your front. You spread your legs, desperate to have his dick inside you immediately, and when he pushed inside you moaned low, muffling it as best you could with your pillow.

He soon picked up his pace once more, merciless now, and you tried so fucking hard not to cry out, your moans lodging in your throat, body tense as you tried to control every nerve in your body. It was all slick noises and the thud of his hips hitting your ass and finally his frustration began to leave his body. “Stupid—fucking—ikea—bed,” he growled, thrusting harder into you after every word.

God. That was it. “S-seokjin,” you almost begged. He was just so deep and hard. You could feel him everywhere, just getting wetter with each grunt that pushed its way from your throat. “You’re gonna make me cum–d-don’t stop.”

“Am I making you feel good?” He demanded, fingers digging into your ass with the effort of keeping up. He was terribly out of breath now, his only motivation was to make you cum. He couldn’t slow down, not when you were so close.

“So good,” you said through held breath. You were pushed so flat to the mattress your clit was getting its fair share too, and you closed your eyes tight, seeing stars as you let yourself jump over the edge. “So, so, so good.”

You came hard. Like so hard your ass twitched. He liked that. His sweaty hands digging into the flesh as he caressed you, thrusts ceasing because he couldn’t take the nonstop pulsing around his cock. He pulled out shortly after, one hand jerking himself off while the other slapped down on your flesh. “Wanna cum on that perfect little ass of yours.”

You moaned, raising yourself up a little to tease him and it wasn’t long before you felt the warm droplets of his cum dirty your flesh. “Fuck,” he grunted, needing a moment to come to before you heard him shuffle about. And then a whine. “You don’t have anything to clean up with.”

Well, no. You wouldn’t. This was your first night here. If you didn’t have a bed, you didn’t have tissues on a nightstand. “Not the instruction manual,” you warned when you heard the familiar sounds of paper rustling. “My dad has to come over tomorrow and fix your mess.”

“Oi.” He whined, but listened, throwing the manual back on the floor. You rolled your eyes when you felt him rub his cum into your skin with the head of his dick. He was just making more mess now, that wasn’t going to clean you up. He realised soon enough and stood up quickly. “I’ll be right back.”

You let your body relax as he went to the bathroom after some toilet paper, comfy and still vibrating a little from the bliss of your orgasm. Your bare ass was getting a little cold though. Thankfully Seokjin wasn’t too long and he wiped up the mess he’d made pretty quickly. When you finally rolled over to see him walking back from your trash can, you couldn’t help but laugh at the sight of him naked from the waist down.

“Why are you laughing at me now?” He pouted, sounding genuinely paranoid. That bed frame had really fucked with his head.

“Sorry,” you apologised, trying to compose yourself. “You’re just…naked. It looks funny.”

He frowned, still suspicious. “You’ve seen me naked hundreds of times.” Nevertheless, he still stretched his t-shirt down over his crotch, hiding his modesty as he crawled back to you.

“Yeah, but it was just…SWINGING there,” you giggled, starting up again.

“Well, yeah, that’s what dicks do.” He almost grumbled. If you didn’t know any better you’d say he was embarrassed. You went to whisper another sorry but then he wrapped his arms around you, squeezing your back (maybe a bit too) tightly to his chest. You stretched your arm behind him to pinch his butt. “Stop!” He warned, but you could feel his grin against your neck as he kissed you.

You closed your eyes, smiling to yourself. You were so cosy and warm now, happy and sated. You could really fall asleep like this. Seokjin’s arms around you, his breath against your skin. The feeling in our chest was hard to explain. At the tip of your tongue, yet never coming. Annoyingly he moved away to fall onto his back as soon as you were trying to place the emotion and you snapped your eyes open having lost it all together. You grabbed your phone on the floor next to you to check the time. It was 1am. Seokjin really had been here trying to make the bed for nearly 3 hours before he’d given up. You should have just asked your father over in the first place… But you couldn’t tell Jin that, couldn’t bear to hurt his feelings. Bless.

“We should make the most of the next few hours…” You suggested casually. His groan told you he didn’t agree. He was tried and half asleep. Too tired to start his usual spiel about his dick falling off because you made him fuck you too often. “I knew a guy who ended up in hospital once because he fucked his girlfriend 14 times in a weekend.” Seemed unbelievable. Both ending up in hospital, and having sex over a dozen times in a 48 hour period, but whatever. Seokjin was talking bullshit like usual, because even though he moaned and groaned, he was always the first to initiate the fucking. Example: tonight. You just liked to plant the seed. Example: right now…

“It was fun.” You whined. “I think I should just say fuck it to the bed and sleep on this groan proof mattress.”

“Hm. I don’t know. The springs will give out soon enough, and how would you explain it to your parents?” He replied. That was true. Your parents didn’t even know Seokjin existed. Which meant that you had to take the fall for this tomfoolery tonight. Pretend you spent hours trying to screw some planks of wood together… You loved looking like an idiot. But you digressed…

“But I can still smash up the bed frame for you?” He added, sounding hopeful. Finally admitting his anger. “Fucking piece of shit.”

Sleep didn’t give you clarity either. You woke up with a hazy mind, unsure if you were dreaming the memory or just playing it out in your head again as you slowly came to. Half awake, half dreaming. It was almost fitting that you remembered back to that night, like your subconscious was messing with you. If you let your mind wonder more, you were certain it was your favourite memory with Seokjin. You didn’t know why. It was really nothing special. By then you’d had sex too many times to count. They should’ve ended up blurring into one, but there were a handful that stood out. This one more than the rest. Something about the way he’d wanted to help you, even if it was a total fail. You remembered thinking somewhere in the back of your mind, while he was fucking you into your poor mattress, It’s not just sex to him. Ironic, but true. That night should’ve shown you how kind Seokjin could be. Or how kind he was. He didn’t choose as and when to be considerate, the opportunity had just never really presented itself before. You’d never needed a bed building before…

Ugh. You were a mess. You’d truly thought a good nights sleep would do you good, but no, your mind was still restless and your body ached even more from the night before. You shouldn’t be thinking of the past. Not when things were so good right now, so different. Your friendship with Seokjin worked, it made you happy, but on the outside looking in, was it considered normal? You didn’t think so. Don’t get you wrong, many girls had male friends. You had a couple you spoke to regularly and sometimes hung out with, but that was always in groups. You didn’t have one who you messaged every single day and hung out with alone. You didn’t have one like that until you met Seokjin. Before that, the guy you’d just described had been Yoongi. Perhaps that description better defined a relationship? Texting good morning, going to the mall together, other places, could be the gym, binge watching Netflix… That could be defined as a boyfriend… It was a stereotype, a stupid one, but it made sense. Especially for Seokjin and you who had a history. Come on, past fuck buddies turned best friends forever? It didn’t seem very believable… Maybe you’d been kidding yourself all this time…

Or maybe you hadn’t. Regardless of finer, often ignored, details, the bare foundations of your “relationship” had been about sex. This time was different. You could enjoy one another’s company without the sex, and it felt good. It felt more than good. Last night, your legs on his lap, and then your head on his shoulder, it was a comfort you didn’t know you’d been searching for. It’s what clouded your mind, made you all confused when you’d suggested he stay the night…in your bed.

That platonic intimacy was all well and good but you couldn’t let it ruin what you had with Seokjin at the moment. Like you said, it worked for not only you, but obviously him too. You’d crossed the line last night and embarrassingly you probably knew the reason why. It was simple really and even more simple to just deal with as you reached for your bedside drawer and pulled out something discreet and pink… There was no better way to clear a frazzled brain than a good orgasm. You couldn’t remember the last time you’d powered up your vibrator. Classes were full, work was tiring, you were busy… It made sense. To blame it on sexual frustration. Seokjin was still as handsome as ever and watching him work out in the gym would fuck with the strongest mind.

Yes, an orgasm a day kept those thirsty thoughts away… Facts. That’s what you told yourself, and that’s what you believed.

Seokjin Marathon tonight? We can easily get through six episodes

You 🤙😜 bring chips

Seokjin Pls stop using emojis You text like my mom 🙇🏻‍♂️

Not a week later and somehow you and Seokjin had found yourself down a deep and dark Vampire Diaries hole… Shockingly he seemed more into it that you, which amused you to no end. Thankfully you hadn’t sent him running for the hills after your stunt that night after the gym. Maybe he put it down to you being totally disoriented due to the pain of your aching muscles. Maybe he did truly think you were drunk off half a glass of toxic waste. Or maybe, just maybe, he hadn’t noticed anything and you were just being paranoid, deluded, stupid… The list was endless.

It helped you, consoled your worries because you didn’t have to try your hardest to act normal around him if nothing really happened. Things were normal, like you’d never asked him to spend the night in your bed. You didn’t ask him again and Seokjin made sure to ride his car to your place after that. Maybe there was nothing behind it, but yeah, now you didn’t really have a reason to ask him to stay… Even though sometimes you wanted him too, and not even like that. You just wanted to spend every waking moment with him. It was pretty frightening because you didn’t know what it meant…

Your vibrator was doing its job to curb those pesky sexual urges of yours but there was nothing really on the market to curb those weird…needy urges of yours. Needy for some affection and warmth that Seokjin seemed to radiate. Your bodies sat closer together each night you hung out. Your legs seemed to find their way onto his lap when you wanted to stretch out and your head found his shoulder every single time you nodded off to sleep… It was like you were magnetised together, or not… It was more so that it came natural to you two. Natural after all these weeks of being back in one another’s lives, and natural after the history you had together…

You told yourself it was okay, because your need for him wasn’t that raw, sexual type from before. No, it was something else. Something you couldn’t put your finger on. Not that you tried. It was better to not know. What you couldn’t understand couldn’t ruin everything, and you and Seokjin were fine like this. It was easy to ignore if you got to hang out with him like this regularly. If you got to joke with him and talk with him and touch him… It was easy to ignore when you had everything right in front of your eyes. Blissfully ignorant to the warmth in your chest every time you saw him. Blissfully ignorant to the pounding of your heart every time you felt his fingertips on your skin. You guessed your mind was helping your heart not get fucked over again. Or maybe you were just plain dumb…

“I think I’m all vampire love angst-ed out for tonight,” Seokjin yawned, letting his head fall back on your couch.

You agreed. Binging a series was all well and good but soon enough you lost concentration. “I can find something else?” You suggested, getting ready to scroll through the homepage as you moved your legs from his lap to curl them under you.

Immediately he reached for one of your feet, massaging it absentmindedly. Maybe past you would have teased him for having a secret foot fetish but you didn’t dare to ruin it tonight. You were positive he didn’t even realise he was doing it which made it feel even better. It was such a natural, affectionate thing and you didn’t want to point it out in case he stopped. There you went again… New label: affection whore.

“I don’t think I can concentrate on anything else,” he chuckled groggily. “We ploughed through seven episodes. It’s nearly 2am.”

“Mhm.” You agreed, letting your head fall back too. You both looked over at one another. His hair was getting longer again, falling in his eyes. “I’m not tired though.”

He smiled. “You aren’t?” Smiled harder when you shook your head adamantly. Sleep meant Seokjin would go home, and these days you didn’t want that at all. “Want me to stay for a little longer then?”

You tried to play it cool, lifting your head straight as you nodded at his gentle voiced suggestion. “If you want.” Inside you were ecstatic.

He sat up straight too, pulling his phone from his pocket. “Yeah, I can do it. Don’t have class until 3.” You felt guilty. Maybe he didn’t even want to stay any longer, but now his hand was wrapped around the top of your knee, his body leaning into you and it felt so good you stopped worrying. “Aw. How cute.” He cooed, and it took you a moment to understand what he was on about, looking in the direction of his cellphone.

“Why are you scrolling through my IG?!” You exclaimed immediately, seeing a picture of eight-year-old you on the screen when #tbt was still a thing… Was it still a thing…?

“It’s funny,” he shrugged.

“It’s embarrassing.”

You had to watch him scroll through your entire feed, picking on random pictures to laugh at. For some reason you found yourself a little nervous. No need to be, there was nothing incriminating on there. In fact, you never really used the app, didn’t have many photos on there. Especially now that you’d already deleted a handful that contained Yoongi. You’d taken the plunge to delete the memories a while back, feeling more positive about it. They were only pictures.

“What is this?” Seokjin laughed, tilting the screen your way.

He was greatly amused by your silly display in the image, Yumi pretending to strangle you with her own hair in some stranger’s grubby kitchen. “Oh god.” You groaned. For two reasons. 1. The face you were pulling was really embarrassing, and 2. That was the night that changed everything. Because of that night, you were here right now. “That’s the night me and you first…y’know…” You didn’t know why you were telling him that. He had no clue, and it was best not to rake up the past, but for some reason it felt like you needed to say it.

“Really?” He asked, eyes widening as the shock formed on his face. He flipped the screen his way again, looking over the picture with a small smile.

He looked almost wistful. It made something in your stomach tighten. You needed to ignore it, forcing your voice to sound offended when you spoke next. “You can’t remember what I was wearing?!”

His eyes widened yet again, his mouth downturning comically. For some reason he’d missed your sarcasm. “How the hell am I supposed to remember that?”

“Just teasing,” you giggled, giving him a nudge with your elbow. He relaxed, shaking his head to himself, and you stayed there, nestled by his side.

“Damn.” He mused. “That seems like a life time ago now but it’s not really.”

You nodded, wholeheartedly agreeing. “Nearly a year.” It had seemed a long time ago once upon a time, now, not at all. So much had happened between then and now, but then, not really… After all, you were still here with him. Just differently now.

Silence seemed to blanket over you, as if you were both mulling the past over. A part of you was itching to know what he was thinking – if he was at all, but another part of you began to get a little uncomfortable at the unspoken. It was like that lately. As if you wanted him to tell you something. Did he want to tell you something? Or was it all in your head? Sometimes you wanted to tell him things… You just didn’t know what. It was like your brain wouldn’t let you make sense of how your heart was feeling. So like usual, you changed the direction of the conversation.

“Oh. Wait! I have this app you can download if you’re bored.” He looked down at you as if you were mad. As if he could never be bored in your company, or maybe that was you wishful thinking. You shook yourself out of the deluded funk you were under and held out your hand. “Pass.” He dropped his phone in it obediently and you grabbed at his fingers, using his thumb to unlock it. They seemed to stick together for longer than needed before you spoke again and let him slide his hand away. “You know your birth info, right?”

He groaned quietly, head falling back as he eyed you, surprisingly knowing immediately where this was going. “Astrology.”

“Come on, it’s fun,” you insisted, opening the app store up to begin typing. “You make an account and add your friends. It tells you how compatible you are with them.”

He watched you as if you’d lost it. His voice matched. “You know things like that aren’t really true, right? The stars don’t control our personality traits. Life and choices do.”

You rolled your eyes. “That’s such a Sag thing to say.”

That seemed to make him change his tune. He sounded positively offended when he spoke next. “Excuse me. Don’t use my Sagittarius status against me.”

“If you’re so proud of it, you believe in it.”

It was his turn to roll his eyes, scoffing. “I don’t even know what it means. Please enlighten me, oh holy one.”

That silenced you. To be honest you didn’t know much about astrology either. You were a simple human that got excited over even simpler things. Having to listen to Lina blabber on and on about natal charts and houses and planets, and whatever else there was, while you just liked finding out if you were compatible with people… It wasn’t that serious. “I don’t know,” you mumbled lamely, much to Seokjin’s glee. He looked so smug he’d shut you up, you felt the urge to do the same to him pretty much jump out of you.

“Apparently Sags are free spirited. Don’t really do commitment. Figures.”

Those were honestly some of the most generic things you could have chosen, bound to get you beat by your own best friend, but what she didn’t know wouldn’t hurt her, and it seemed to do the trick regarding Seokjin anyway. Or, surprisingly, it worked a little too well. He sounded genuinely taken back. “Wow. Okay, that is a harmful stereotype. I can do commitment.”

Pretty sure he was joking, but also the last statement making you a little confused, if not just by the way his voice turned all high pitched, you continued to tease him. “Okay, Kim Seokjin who has never had a girlfriend in his life.”

He looked a little speechless at that, expression frozen as his mouth hung open. “That means nothing. So what if I’ve never been in a relationship before, I’m still a faithful person.”

You eyed him sceptically, semi aware you were pretty much bickering now. Bickering about astrology. Well, you’d wanted a diversion… “But you have nothing to base it on.” Committedly staying faithful to a fuck buddy wasn’t exactly the type of commitment you were on about, and even then, he hadn’t technically done that… Fuck. You thought of Sohee instantly. It was stupid, you’d already been through all that and it really was no big deal, but it still seemed to pop up in your mind. You said nothing of what you thought though, thankfully, and Seokjin was shaking his head to himself, not listening anymore anyway. “Astrology is bullshit. I’m sticking with it.”

You welcomed the break in conversation direction, but seemed to steer it in an even awkwarder one, because well, you were you. “Not all the time. Lina made a fake account for Yoongi and we really didn’t match well on most things.”

He sniggered. If a noise could both sound amused and condescending in one go, it was that one. “You really need astrology to tell you that?”

That silenced you. Maybe it was his tone, or maybe just what he said, but it made you feel a little stupid. Like possibly Yoongi and you had never really been right for one another and you’d just been deluded the whole time you’d dated. But also, what, Seokjin thought that the whole time too? He just watched you up and leave and attempt to have a relationship with Yoongi? Was he laughing behind your back this entire time?

“Okay. What do I need to do?”

Or maybe you were just too sensitive. There was no malice in his words, and there was no need to get so uptight about everything. He was smiling your way as he took his phone back and waited for your reply. He was going to use the damn app like you’d wanted him to.

You grinned triumphantly, happy he was complying finally, and shuffled back closer to him. Apparently the slight squabble had created some unnoticed distance. “Birthday. Place of birth. Oh,” you suddenly remembered. “Birth time… Do you know it?”

He looked at you through his bangs. “No. It’s not like I was mentally aware at barely minutes old.”

His sarcasm annoyed you and narrowing your eyes you pushed at his shoulder. “Ask your mom.”

“I am not going to get a reply at 2 in the morning.”

Oh. That was right… It was late. You’d forgotten. With Seokjin time seemed to pass you by alarmingly fast. You swore your bedtime used to be at a reasonable hour before this friendship happened.

“Don’t worry,” he chuckled, mistaking your expression. “I think I have an idea. It might be wrong though. What if one mistake tells us we’re mortal enemies?” You whacked his shoulder again and he hunched them, protecting himself as he typed in his info. “Okay, now what?” He asked when he was done and the screen loaded.

“That’s your natal chart.”

“I don’t know what that means.”

You ignored him in favour of snatching his phone to scroll through. Once again pretty much clueless to it all but able to find remarks anyway. “Ouch. Aries moon.”

“What’s that face for?” He practically worried, noticing your grimace.

You shrugged. “Not really a fan of Aries.”

“Hey.”

“You can’t be offended. You don’t believe, remember?” You shot playfully.

“Hmm,” he grumbled. “Doesn’t seem you like Sagittarius either…” God. Was he really upset over this? You fought the urge to call him cute. He probably wouldn’t appreciate it. Either that or wouldn’t let you live it down. “What do I do now? How can I find out if we’re compatible or not?”

“Add me.” You did just that for him, searching your username before passing his phone back to him and grabbing your own to accept his request. That’s when you got distracted, scrolling through your account instead to read your long-awaited compatibility. Seokjin’s phone held forgotten in his hand as he waited for your reactions. “Oh,” was all you gave him.

“What? Huh?” He sounded worried again. It wasn’t like it was a bad oh. Far from it in fact. But it was more of a shocked oh. This was much better than you’d had with anyone else. Much better than Lina. Much, much, much better than Yoongi… It wasn’t like you hadn’t been expecting it, but really it was just astrology… You know you’d fought Seokjin on the matter not ten minutes previous, but he did have a point… It wasn’t that serious… So why were you so happy right now? You were ecstatic over a damn astrology app because it told you that you got along well… Lame.

“Lemme see,” he whined, totally discarding his phone to grab yours instead. You let him, still a little lost in your own head, buzzing over nothing, and he scrolled dumbly. “We have a lot of smiley faces, is that good?”

There was a beat of silence, having to force yourself to make normal conversation again. “Yeah,” you smiled, leaning in to point at the screen. “We only have one conflicting aspect. Philosophies in life. That’s fine.” Seokjin seemed impressed, only you knew he secretly wasn’t having an internal breakdown over it like you. Your insides felt funny. No matter what you guys did, something always seemed to trigger your body into acting weird. Maybe astrological compatibility was a bad move. You were dumb.

“Sex and aggression? What?” He muttered to himself, reading the headings of each section in bemusement. The next thing you knew, he was grinning smugly at you. You waited in confusion. “Hello. It’s telling me our sexual chemistry is off the charts.”

“It is not,” you insisted, astonished he’d even say that out loud to you. Yes, there were times you skirted around your hook ups – the gym leggings always came to mind, when he basically admitted he’d checked out your ass – but as an unspoken rule, you didn’t speak about your past. Hell, you didn’t even speak much about sex in general. It wasn’t awkward, it seemed to work well, but now… Well, you’d done this to yourself, hadn’t you? Stupid fucking app…

Seokjin cocked an eyebrow. “What it wasn’t off the charts?” You went to reply no, that wasn’t what you meant, but stopped yourself. That would just make things worse, and by the look of the smirk on his face he wasn’t done teasing you anyway. He wiped it away and regarded you seriously. “Please don’t tell me you were faking it the whole time.”

“Eww,” you couldn’t help but exclaim, dragging the syllable out. Ahhh. You couldn’t believe this was happening. You could already feel your cheeks burning. The natural reaction to anything to do with sex and Seokjin these days. He picked up on it straight away.

“Don’t go red,” he grinned. “I know I was the best fuck you ever had. This app basically confirms it.”

“Oh, my god.” That’s all you could manage. Safe for wanting the ground to open up and swallow you and the couch, it’s all you could do. Those words had actually left his mouth, and now you were fucked. You’d be thinking about them for a long time. You shouldn’t be thinking of things like that when it came to friends. You tried to take a few hidden slow breaths, attempting to cool the scorching of your cheeks and sound normal when you spoke again. “Do you always have to speak about sex?”

Teasing on teasing, it was the best way to go. Just ignore everything else, like the reality of the situation and hide.

He answered, that shit eating grin still on his face. “Lies. I haven’t spoken about sex with you since we became friends.” Why did he say it like that, like he had it in quotations? You’d fucked up with this one, you should’ve just stuck to watching Vampire Diaries.

“You get all uptight and red. Look like you’re going to explode,” he continued, nudging you with his shoulder. You shook your head, refusing to look at his face now. “Like now,” he laughed. You’d proved his point beautifully, because yes, your head was about 0.5 seconds away from blowing right off your shoulders from pure panic and awkwardness. However, not only that, but you also had the awful sinking feeling you get when you knew you couldn’t hide from something anymore. It wasn’t really him you were hiding from, but yourself…

“What changed? You never used to get this embarrassed when I was—

“Stop right there,” you warned, jerking your head up to point at him, positive you’d keel over if he finished his sentence. That, or jump him. Your face was hot, yes, but so was your body. Between your legs was beginning to get that familiar glow. You couldn’t help it. The air had seemed to turn hot, stuffy, and despite your awkwardness over the conversation you were still very much sat tight to him, body curled in his direction. There was the whole of the couch but you two were crammed in one seat – like you had been all night.

“Okay,” he surrendered, hands up, resting his head against the cushions again, before a little smirk spread its way across his face. “This app just obviously knows what it’s talking about.”

You groaned instantly, defeated, turning to press your forehead into the back of the couch too. “I can’t with you.” You couldn’t do this. Make eye contact, have a conversation that was tiptoeing around edges you didn’t want to acknowledge. You were flustered, awkward, and something told you Seokjin was loving it. He loved having this effect on you.

“Really? Then tell me why you had sex with me way over a hundred times?”

“YOU KEPT COUNT?!” That did it. You were so momentarily shocked, head bursting up to stare at him, the awkwardness was gone, distracted away.

“No,” he replied, smiling almost sheepishly but still sounding unfazed. “It’s a guesstimate.”

“A guesstimate?” You repeated, unable to stop yourself from laughing. He liked that, laughing too as he poked your knees with his fingers absentmindedly. “Seokjin, do you keep a little black book? A tally chart?” You teased, voice low.

“No,” he insisted. “I’m just saying, we were hooking up for over four months. Now, not that we had sex every single day of those four months, because we didn’t. My dick would’ve fallen off, but there were times when you wanted me to fuck you multiple times in one night—”

You couldn’t help but interrupt him, scoffing in disbelief. “I wanted you to? More like you wanted to.” This was dangerous territory. You were enjoying yourself a little too much, forgetting yourself… Forgetting what you were so worried about.

He stared at you, sarcasm loud and clear. “Okay. Keep believing that.” He pulled his hand up to scratch at his forehead and it took you a moment to realise at some point you’d latched onto it. “But anyway.” He continued, “say there’s 30 days in one month. Multiply that by four and you get 120. I’m actually being very lenient. We definitely fucked more than a hundred times.”

“Oh my fucking god, you’re such a nerd,” you groaned. Your face still felt hot but the embarrassment had gone for the most part. No, it was something else… He was still a nerd though. An inaccurate nerd, but one nonetheless.

“It’s simple math.” He shrugged, seemingly unbothered as he went back to scrolling through the phone to continue reading. You watched him, hoping he couldn’t hear how loud your heart was beating in your chest. The adrenaline was pumping through your veins scarily fast. For what?

“Our way of loving is very compatible,” he nodded to himself, sounding like some sort of professor making sense of his findings.

You whined. “Quit concentrating on the sex.” Did he want you to start remembering back? That wasn’t a good idea, nor was it a good idea for the batteries in your vibrator. The thought almost made you cringe. You were twisted. Sick and twisted. Hope Seokjin was happy with himself.

“I’m not! It keeps coming up!” He enraged, huffing softly to himself as he began to read again. You smiled. “Okay. How about this?” Obviously he’d been searching for something else. Something more substantial. “The way we grow and dream are aligned. That’s deep.”

You smiled harder. “I thought you didn’t believe in astrology.”

He upturned a shoulder. “I don’t. It’s just funny how they know our hook ups were pretty amazing.”

“Seokjin!” You hit his chest. This wasn’t fair.

“You’ve turned red again.”

“No wonder.” However, it wasn’t due to any type of mortification like he probably thought. You were just very…uncomfortable, if that made sense. There was no longer a glow between your legs, but a burn. “Stop. What is with you tonight?” You whined. “You’re tired. You’re talking without a filter.”

It probably wasn’t that. Usually careful, like you’d said, tonight was different. Very different. Similar to how you used to act when you were having sex with one another. What had gotten into him, and why did it feel like you were getting your hopes up? You were slightly nervous. Slightly scared. Slightly excited. Hopeful...

“Nah.” He shook his head casually. “The app is just inflating my ego.”

That was it. You threw your hands at him again, pushing at his chest in a bid to shut him up once and for all. He couldn’t just tease you and get away with it. It was grossly unfair. You were sensitive. Somewhere was sensitive to this kind of behaviour. Always had been.

“Stop hitting me,” he yelled, indignant and dramatic, making you laugh.

He grabbed a hold of your hands, stopping you from doing anymore damage to his precious body, but when you fought back he pushed you down, squashing you into the arm of the couch. Defenceless and at his mercy as he began tickling under your arms. You stammered his name, unable to do much else between the gasps of breath and high-pitched giggling, but he didn’t relent, leaning into you as he laughed along, sofa beginning to squeak under the avid movement, ticking whatever he could reach now.

“J-Jin, stop—STOP,” you managed to finally shriek, trying your best to wriggle away from him. You stopped trying to fight his fingers in favour of going for something more sensitive. His nipples. In your defence, you were being attacked. You pinched one of them, missing the other while roaring, “You know I’m ticklish!!”

“Hey. Woah. W-woah,” he panicked, easing up immediately but still lightly tickling your sides. “Not the nipples. You’ll make them bleed.”

“Shut up,” you rolled your eyes. “You’re lucky I didn’t go for your dick.”

“Lucky?” He eyed you. “I don’t know if I’d call it that.”

Time seemed to freeze for a moment, his words ringing in your ears. There was really only one way you could take that, right? Dangerous territory back, however with the whole impromptu tickle fight, did it ever go away? This was just worse because he was basically on top of you. There was nowhere to escape – thoughts included.

“You need to be stopped,” you warned, but there was a grin on your face as you spoke. The flirtation went both ways. You hoped he realised that, caught on.

He pulled his hands back. It took you a moment to realise he’d stopped tickling you a while ago. “I can’t help it. I like hearing you laugh,” he said, smiling as he moved to sit properly again. He grabbed your hand to help you up too. You took it gladly, gripping it like you wanted him to know you didn’t want to let go. “I like seeing you happy.” He continued. God. What was he doing? You watched him tilt his head, looking you right in the eyes. “Do I make you happy?”

You couldn’t fight your grin any longer, shaking your head a little in disbelief. It was both ways and he did realise. “I think you know the answer to that.”

Your eyes locked for a moment, and you were almost begging him to just say something else, do something else, but the slight masochistic part of you loved the waiting, the unknown, the longing… It was like some sort of competition between the two of you. To see who could go the longest, tease the hardest, until one of you blew and gave in… Or maybe you were both just too nervous and scared and this was the only bit of relief you could get… Shameless flirting that got you embarrassingly flustered…

Seokjin wasn’t going to burst tonight. He let go of your hand to pick up his phone, knowing you were still watching him as he smiled. “I’m sure some type of something will tell me that on this stupid app.” It took you a moment to catch what he was referring to. Words slipping through your mind and out of your ears as quickly as they sounded. Yes, that fucker made you happy and didn’t he know it. You stretched your legs out across his lap.

“When’s the last time you went to a party?”

You furrowed your eyebrows at his random question. Just like that your previous conversation was over, or just dormant until the next time it was brought up, which probably wouldn’t be a long wait. You shrugged. “Yonks ago. You know how much I hate them.” You wouldn’t say it out loud in fear of making the moment awkward, but the last two parties you’d attended weren’t very high up on your fond memories list…

“Brian’s having one at his parents’ this weekend. They’re out of town. Come along.”

He sounded so casual you wouldn’t think he’d been practically on top of you tickling the life out of you not five minutes previous. Flirting with you shamelessly, basically insinuating he wanted you to touch his dick. Fuck. There it was. Thoughts slipping into your brain. You hoped he knew how infuriating he was sometimes. “I don’t know, I don’t know him that well,” was what you replied. You could do casual too. Even if your voice was slightly shaky. The tickling or something else, who knew…

“He said I could ask you.” Seokjin shook your knee encouragingly, like he was softly urging you to say yes. “It’s not a big party, nothing too crazy. He said you can invite Lina too, her boyfriend.” He paused to shrug. “If you don’t want to come alone or with me.”

You snickered. “I don’t want to cramp your style.”

“I thought we both agreed I don’t have style.”

That just made you laugh harder, pressing the pads of your fingers into the veins of his hand. He didn’t seem to mind. He really wanted you to come, huh? But you needed to hear him say it himself… “Do you want me to come?”

He glanced at you, matter of fact as he replied. “I think you know the answer to that.”

And just like that, not even two minutes later, you were back where you always ended up…

In circles.

“Christ. I’m going to have to cut the sexual tension with a knife soon.”

You turned to Lina, slumped and looking painfully held against her will on the couch next to you. You couldn’t tell if the party was shit or if it was something else, considering what she’d just commented. “What do you mean?”

Her eyes widened, unable to believe you were actually that clueless. (You weren’t.) “You and him,” she paused to shoot a look over at Seokjin drinking in the doorway of Brian’s lounge. “You’ve been eyeballing one another all night.” She wasn’t bothering to whisper and you panicked, whacking her elbow. “He can’t hear us,” she exclaimed. She was correct. The music was so loud you bet there’d be a noise complaint soon enough. Brian lived in a nice part of town…

It was so loud you managed to successfully evade her remarks. Not that she was really looking for an answer. If she was sensing tension, you were drowning in it… You were hoping it wasn’t that obvious... Maybe it was worse than you thought… These last few days had been a little weird. You’d finally managed to acknowledge that something was going on between Jin and you. It wasn’t just friendship, and you were nearly 100% certain he felt the same. You just didn’t know what it was you both felt, and you didn’t want to know just yet. There was plenty of time for that. Or so you thought. You’d made the decision to just wait and see how things naturally progressed, wanting to enjoy whatever the hell was happening between you two as it evolved. Only, it seemed to be evolving at a much faster pace than you’d expected. Tonight just proved that.

You hadn’t seen him for near five days. Work and college were kicking both your asses, along with other friendship commitments, because apparently no one ever saw you anymore since Seokjin had arrived back on the scene… (Lina’s words.) You thought you’d be fine. You knew you were seeing him tonight, and you had been fine. Perfectly fine until you’d walked through Brian’s door and seen Seokjin in the kitchen knocking back a beer. Your first thought was how you’d been able to bear hanging around with him at such a close proximity when he was just so goddamn hot?! Dressed in all black, hair parted so that dangerous forehead of his was on show... You were made of steel. But not anymore… Your knees felt weak as he spotted you and raised his glass, winking playfully. That was Lina’s first groan of the night. By now you were twenty something deep and she’d totally gotten the message…

You wanted Seokjin. The thought had never been so clear. It wasn’t this clear when you were hooking up all those months ago and it wasn’t this clear when you were masturbating in your bed trying to fool yourself you were just sexually frustrated. It wasn’t even this clear four nights ago when you were lying in bed not an hour after the tickle attack coming up with the facts after Seokjin had left.

The facts were you’d fallen for him. You didn’t know when, but it was obviously somewhere down the line of your new friendship. You didn’t even want to think when. It was all too confusing, and you had much better things to think about. Like how warm his hands were and how hard his body was. How cute his laugh sounded and how soft you remembered his lips to be… You couldn’t even think about what that all meant. For you, for him, for… Nevermind. You didn’t want to think tonight. That could come at a later date. You were sick of thinking. You just wanted to feel.

You hadn’t felt like this in forever. You wondered if you’d ever felt like this? The excitement was similar to how it used to be months ago, when you and Seokjin were hooking up and you’d see one another at a party or out clubbing, but it had never been this intense. You felt giddy all night. It was pretty embarrassing, especially with Lina as your witness. But you couldn’t care, not when it seemed like Seokjin was feeling the same vibes. It was funny, like you were both playing a little game. You hadn’t even spoken in person all night, the stolen glances and little text messages seemed a better idea. Maybe there was some shyness involved too, or maybe Seokjin was still a little scared of Lina… Either way, you fooled around like that all night. You still kept rereading the first messages of the night in between smiles and now longing glances… You were actually taking another look when Lina had finally stated the apparent.

Seokjin Hey : ) You look really pretty tonight Not that you don’t always

“Are you going to speak to him at all, or?” She prodded after a few more minutes, catching another smile your way. Seokjin noticed too and quickly looked away, probably afraid Lina would have his guts for garters if he stared long enough.

You couldn’t help but giggle at him, replying at the same time. “He hasn’t come over.” Not that you were bothered. She knew that too.

“Oh for fuck sake,” she groaned. “You’re enjoying this. I feel dirty. Like I’m watching in on something I shouldn’t.”

You shrugged her off. She was miserable because Mr. Perfect Park Jimin couldn’t make it, too busy studying for a Monday morning test… You were surprised however, when she stood up to leave. “Friends my ass. I’m getting a drink.”

“Don’t be like that,” you whined. But also you were needy, you didn’t want to be alone in the middle of a party.

She ignored you, leaning in to actually speak quieter this time. “Make a move or I’ll start hating him again.” You looked up at her with wide eyes, not quite believing your ears. Was this the voice of all reason? But maybe more importantly, was this Lina’s very own blessing?

Her parting line before she flounced off left you sat there nonplussed. “Now I know why you care so much about my opinion on him.”

You looked over at the doorway again. Seokjin was joking around with Hoseok and you took the time to really study him. Had the sight of just his face always made you this breathless? The way his cheeks rounded when he smiled, the ways his eyes crinkled… Even his ears were cute. Since when had his mere existence turned your life upside down and why were you only now realising it?

It was like you were seeing clearly for the first time. Kinda like putting on your glasses in the morning and everything comes into focus. You could see again. No, you could finally see. Seokjin. It was him. It wasn’t just some sexual attraction you shared, a sexual connection. It wasn’t that small, that petty… It was more than that. You wanted it to be more than that. You needed it to be more, and you needed him to feel the same…

You looked towards where Lina had disappeared. She saw it too. Make a move. That what she’d said, but you were scared. You were always scared. You’d gotten hurt so many times before. However… However, Seokjin was different. He wasn’t like the rest. He was Seokjin. The guy who knew you better than anyone. The one who had been there for you when you’d needed someone, helped you without asking…

Make a move.

You should make a move. You didn’t want to play games anymore. You couldn’t wait any longer.

The buzz of your phone caught your attention. You opened the messages quickly.

Seokjin Look at me again ;( I miss you It’s been days since I last saw you

You kept missing one another. You’d just been staring at him for the past couple of minutes and as soon as you’d looked away, he was looking back… It felt like it captured something else. How you’d both been all this time…

You looked up to meet his eyes. He gave you the warmest smile. One that felt like he hadn’t seen you in weeks even though he’d been in the same building as you all night. It made the tugging in your chest more apparent than ever before. The yearning now finally making sense. It was for him, and he was looking at you as if you were the only person in this way, way too fancy house.

You looked away quickly, unsure if you even smiled back at him. Your heart was thudding against your ribcage, mind racing, and you really needed something. Water? Fresh air? No, something else…

You i can’t look at you again tonight

Seokjin How come?

Seokjin replied immediately. Poor guy, he was probably confused by your peculiar behaviour. Not that you had much time to recognise that. You were too busy typing again. You knew what you needed.

You because i’ll want to kiss you

And with that, you were gone. Darting out the opposite doorway. Brian’s house was massive, and you were pretty sure no one was allowed upstairs but you bolted up there anyway, the music getting quieter as you made it further. Your cellphone burnt in your palm, reminding you of your own stupidity, but soon enough it was vibrating again. You dreaded to look but knew you had to.

Seokjin Wait Where did you go ????

You made it down the hall, flicking on a light to see all the doors were closed. You tried your luck at opening one. It was locked, probably his parents’ bedroom, so you tried another. That led to a bathroom, and while it would do, you didn’t really feel like having a breakdown in there, you know, being at a party and all. You weren’t even drunk. The third door you tried was thankfully unlocked. A bedroom. Not Brian’s. Too florally. You sat on the bed, door ajar, letting some light in as you text Seokjin back with shaky fingers.

You upstairs i’m embarrassed 🤧

He replied instantly. He’d definitely been waiting. It made you feel better.

Seokjin Don’t be Can I follow you?

You please i’m in the bedroom with the door half open

You replied without much thought. Yes, you were embarrassed but you really wanted to see him. To speak to him. To kiss him. You really wanted that. How had you been able to suppress it for so long?

You stood up to wait for him, unable to keep still and awkwardly stared facing the door, heart still thudding loudly in your chest. You could hear it echoing through your ears. He wasn’t long. He burst through the door like there was a fire but stopped in his tracks when he saw you stood there. Waiting for him.

He smiled softly but his eyes stayed afraid to blink. “Hey.”

“Hey.” You smiled back. Your first words of the night. They were enough.

“What’s going on—”

Your mouth was on his before he could finish. You didn’t even remember breaking the distance between you two, but there you were, pressing your lips into the curve of his. They were just as soft as you remembered. Softer. But as soon as you’d had the feel he was pulling away, hooking under your elbows to part you both, looking bewildered. “Wait, you’re really kissing me?”

You heart fell into your gut, opening your mouth to apologise. Maybe you’d misread everything. Maybe he didn’t want you. Maybe he’d followed you to let you down gently like the fool you were… However as soon as the panicked thoughts had entered your mind he was kissing them away, laughing in disbelief as he moulded into you, wrapping his arms around your middle.

You met each flurry of his mouth, small kisses in quick succession, like you were both too afraid to break away for too long and you flung your arms around his shoulders, locking him to you. “Is that okay?” You whispered between hot presses, which was very pointless now seeing as he’d made the second move.

He chuckled. “It’s more than okay.”

And that was that. You didn’t need anymore insisting or persuading. Seokjin wanted to kiss you too, and that’s what you let him do. You wanted to think more. Like about how this wasn’t the best place to share such a moment. In a bedroom you weren’t allowed in. At a party for god’s sakes. Yet, perhaps it was fitting. That first night you’d spent together was at a party. It was a stupid idea at the time, something you thought you’d regret, but nope, you didn’t regret a thing. No, this moment right here was pretty perfect. More than pretty perfect. It was perfect. It really was.

Just like him. You didn’t know when Kim Seokjin had become the one you were looking for. He probably always was, you’d just been stupid. Oblivious. Blind. These past couple of months had really opened your eyes. You’d let him into your heart. Your heart that you’d been sure wasn’t working properly. Turns out there was nothing wrong with it. It just thrummed to Seokjin’s smile. Seokjin’s laugh. Seokjin’s voice. You found the way he twitched his nose without realising cute. Couldn’t stop thinking about how adorable his serious face was. Remembered how surprised you were when you found out he actually had a pretty good singing voice and how after that you’d tried your best into tricking and baiting him to sing for you… It never worked.

You laughed at the memory. Seokjin had no clue what you were so amused by, but he laughed along too. Sounding so genuinely happy it just made you laugh harder. You were lost again. Your thoughts would have to go on pause. Just for a bit. So you could enjoy this fully. This was what you’d been missing. It was crystal clear. Everything you’d been searching for. It was Seokjin. You were slow, months late, but it was him.

The warmth of his tongue glided across your bottom lip, ever so gently trying to seek entrance into the warmth of your mouth. You gave it to him gladly, tasting him eagerly. The familiarity seeped through your veins, your mind almost in a dreamlike state as you moved together. Things were just how you left them. He still felt the same under your fingertips and tasted the same against your tongue. Only tonight there was a little difference. In the way he moved. In the way he treated you. There was something more. Something that had been missing in the past. Something you’d both never thought about.

He moved you, walking backwards with you still cradled in his arms as he slowly began shutting the door with his back. He flipped you then, so that you took his place and he gently pushed you back until the door clicked. That blanketed you both in darkness, but you didn’t care. If anything he kissed you harder, hands running down your waist and digging into your hips as yours explored the broadness of his shoulders and length of his back. You could taste the slightest hint of beer too, but unlike in the past when you’d whined and pulled a face, you welcomed it. He matched each sweet sigh you gave him with his own low moan.

However soon enough the deeper the kiss got, the more overwhelmed you became, each curl of his tongue taking the breath from right within your chest, so you were not disappointed or desperate when he slowed down, returning to kissing you in small, quick successions. His breathing ragged, his eyes unfocused as he fluttered them open to find you staring back at him.

“Seokjin,” you murmured, clinging to him to now, fingertips pressing into his shoulder blades. You wanted to say more. You had a lot to tell him, but you were dizzy and the words wouldn’t come. God. You had so much to say.

“I’m here,” he smiled, rubbing your noses together. As if understanding completely and reassuring you. He kissed at your mouth a few more times but it was no where near as urgent as before. All your pent-up frustration had evaporated and in its place was just the urge to keep on feeling things softly. Feeling things gently.

He held your hips, keeping you close to him, and maybe he could read the look in your eyes. It matched his. “Sh-should we be doing this right now?” His voice was fragile. Still affected but also nervous. “Maybe we should slow down. Catch a breath.” He stroked up and down your sides as he continued.

You let the comfort of his warm breath against your face wash over you and nodded slowly.

“Sorry,” you apologised, although unneeded. “I do want this though.”

He smiled again. “I want this too.” A kiss to the tip of your nose this time as you let out a soft exhale. You were too happy for words. Nervous, yes. Uncertain, you bet. However you hadn’t felt this contented in a long while. If ever. This relieved. It wasn’t a dream. Seokjin and you were on the same page.

“Let’s wait until tomorrow?” He asked carefully. This was new to you both and you needed to make sure nothing was rushed nor ignored. “We can talk properly and work out what’s going on with us, hm?”

You nodded again, lips sticky and warm as you tugged your bottom one between your teeth. “That sounds good.”

He hugged you in response. A proper hug. One you’d been in need of for a while. You just hadn’t realised until his arms were wrapped tightly around your body, pressing you into his. You closed your eyes and inhaled his scent.

“It does,” he agreed.

Written 2019-20. Reworked/Edited 2020 Please refrain from posting my work elsewhere. No translations allowed. © floralseokjin 2020

#HOW this became 24k i dont know #i'm so sorry #seokjin fanfic #bts fanfic #bts smut #seokjin smut #jin smut #floralseokjin:writings #fic:crystallised

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crimsonrae · 4 years

Text

Bear and Birdie

Chapter One

Summary: AU Howard only ever had Birdie to confide in as a child and Steve only ever had Bucky. So, what happens when more than just a supersoldier serum connects these people? Told in a collection of one-shots and flashbacks, rating subject to change.

Bucky BarnesxOFC

Rating: Mature

A/N: Okay I have this posted on FF and haven’t updated it in a... long time, but I’m going to post here and hope I find inspiration to finish their story, because they live in my mind and I love them.

Chapter One

1935 Brooklyn, New York

It was quiet.

But...it wasn't the world is just silent right now quiet. It was heavy, just shy of tangible.

James Buchanan Barnes, Bucky to his friends, frowned at the silence unsure why the quiet unsettled him that morning. The sun drifted through the cloudy windows of Saint Catherine's Lost Home for Boys in a hazy laziness that only seemed to add to the heavy silence of the lobby. It was almost oppressive. He bit back a sigh as he turned his attention to the paperwork he needed to fill out, lightly twirling a pen through his fingers as he read.

Official release documents – at eighteen-years-old James Barnes could no longer and would no longer be considered a ward of the great state of New York.

Bucky had known this day would come, had known he would have to say goodbye to the only stable home he ever had. He had thought he would feel angry about this day or maybe sad. He had thought he would feel something more than a slight dread and muted indifference. Maybe it was the fact that he knew the orphanage could never be a true home, a place to come back to when life became too much as he grew older. Hell, when he had arrived he hadn't intended to stay as long as he had, it was just…it was just the world seemed to have other plans for him.

If he was being completely honest with himself, the orphanage had stopped being home over a year ago. Maybe that was why he felt so indifferent to this whole process.

The lack of funding that Saint Cat's had received in the past few years had caused Bucky to ease away from the system long before it was ready to release him. The parish fought for every penny to feed and dress the growing number of children under its care. Yet, he hadn't felt right taking those meals and clothes when he knew he could take care of himself. He had spent his spare time working odd shifts down at the docks and at various diners in the area. Whatever work he could find he would take. He probably would have dropped out of school, if not for his entirely too lecture-friendly best friend - Steve Rogers would drag him off to class whenever necessary. James smirked, he had graduate by the skin of his teeth and he knew it. School was for the smart cats like Steve, not dumb bastards like him.

Not dumb bastards like him.

The paperwork seemed to glare up at him in stark black and white confirmation of that thought. James sighed resignedly, not entirely sure where his head was at as he finally lifted his hand to scrawl messily across the bottom of the page.

It was official now – he was no longer a lost boy, only a lost man. He snorted quietly, somehow that seemed far worse.

A muffled cough disturbed the oppressive silence and made Bucky blink up from his release papers directly into the sad green eyes of Sister Madeleine. He had forgotten she had been waiting for him to finish. The old Sister seemed to fade into the framework of the lobby. Always a part of the structure, but infinitely her own. Bucky pushed a small smile to his lips as he handed her the papers. Neither seemed to want to disturb the odd silence of the lobby as they waited for the other to speak. They didn't have to – the sound of shallow steps and a light grunt caught their ears as they turned toward the hallway entrance. Bucky nearly rolled his eyes.

"Stevie, what're you doing?" James sighed tiredly as he watched his best friend trudge into the lobby of the orphanage carrying a duffel that was almost as big as him.

The shorter blonde sent James a pointed look that said he shouldn't be surprised. In truth, Bucky wasn't. He had half-expected Steve to show up at the boarding house with a room key already in hand. In their almost decade long friendship and adopted brotherhood there wasn't much that Steve Rogers could do that Bucky didn't see coming, "You didn't seriously think I would stay here with Richie Long and Herman Dutt, did you?"

Bucky didn't even blink at the mention of Steve's long time tormentors, knowing it was a smokescreen. He merely quirked a brow, "And here I thought you three had made nice."

Steve snorted, "There's making nice and then there's being friendly, Buck." He paused as he ruffled through his coat to pull out paperwork that looked suspiciously like the documents that Bucky had just signed before handing them over to Sister Madeleine, "Sides, it's not like I'd be staying here much longer."

Bucky frowned as Steve glanced at him with a sly smile and certain spark in his blue eyes. Steve had at least another ten months before his release papers would need to be signed. He pursed his lips in question when the light bulb finally went on, "You got it. You got the scholarship."

Steve nodded almost shyly and Bucky just about crowed. Somehow, Steve had managed to graduate a year early with Bucky. James hadn't questioned it. He knew how determined his best friend could be and that he was smart enough to understand all the extra work. But the scholarship to Columbia...The scholarship had been a goal of Steve's since they had started high school. Bucky knew it had to do with a promise Steve had made to his mother before she passed...but Columbia.

Suddenly, leaving Saint Cat's didn't seem as unsettling. He grinned widely at his friend as he snatched his duffel up from the ground. Once again forgetting Sister Madeleine's presence as he nudged Steve in the shoulder, "This calls for a celebration. Let's go get some breakfast down at Mel's."

"We can't afford Mel's." Steve stated dryly as he followed Bucky's lead, unable to keep his small prideful smile from his lips.

Bucky just chuckled, "I think Cassie is working this morning. She'll get us something. We're celebrating Stevie. Man, you just got into Columbia. You'll be rubbing elbows with the blue-bloods soon enough."

"God, I hope not." Steve muttered amused. He tried not to shake his head at Bucky's excitement. He hadn't even been that happy when he received his acceptance letter, but it was good to see that smile. He hadn't seen Bucky smile at much lately. Swallowing tightly as the duo stepped outside he reached into the side of his bag and pulled out an envelope, "Here."

James frowned curiously as he took the wrinkled envelope. There wasn't paper inside. The contents too bulky and hard in his grasp, "What's this?"

But even as he asked, his fingers were prying open the flap to let loose two brass keys. He knew these keys. Steve almost fidgeted in place as he met Bucky's sharp gaze, "Aunt Mabel never sold Mom's apartment... just packed up and headed home to Oklahoma after...well after. And we need a place, so."

"Stevie..." Bucky started, unsure what he wanted to say, but knowing he should say something. Sarah Rogers had died in her apartment after a long drawn out battle with a sickness that he could barely understand. He couldn't see Steve living there...not after everything, "We can find another place."

"Like where, Buck? The boarding house you've been going to?" Steve pushed stodgily, "A roof is a roof, right? I can deal."

"The boarding house ain't so bad." Bucky murmured tiredly, because he couldn't quiet see Steve living there either.

Steve shrugged, he wouldn't admit that he didn't want to live in his mom's old run down box of an apartment, but he also wasn't ready to sell it yet. He hadn't even finished going through her things and she had passed over two years ago, "The apartment ain't so bad either, jerk."

James had a few reservations about that statement, but he wouldn't fight about it with Steve. Not now, maybe not ever. Instead he rolled his eyes and slung his arm around Steve's shoulder, "So, how long have you known about the scholarship, ya punk?"

"A week."

"A week? You didn't tell me for a week? You really are a punk, you know that?"

Steve snickered, "I think you'll get over it."

"Nah, we have a week worth of celebration to do now." Bucky said boastfully as he pushed his thoughts and Steve's away from Sarah Rogers.

Steve nearly rolled his eyes as he held in a groan. He had a week of Bucky trying to drag him out to a club or with a girl now. It wasn't the worst fate in the world, but he was sure it would be the most exhausting. The two sniped at each other as they walked. Their feet automatically moving where they needed.

The duo made it halfway to Mel's Diner when Steve snorted and nudged his friend, "Hey Buck?"

"Yeah?"

"Happy Birthday."

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1935 Kingston, New York

It was an unbearably hot morning. The sun seemed to be reminding the world that it was a giant ball of burning gas. Well maybe not the world, but the heat was definitely making its presence known to the small group segregated in a cemetery just outside of Kingston. Elena Turner stifled a sigh as she tried not to tug at the sleeves of her mourning dress. The satiny material didn't breathe and was beginning to cling to her skin…she wished the preacher would talk faster, this farce of a funeral needed to be over. She felt her cousin shift uncomfortably next to her and knew that he too was becoming impatient. She couldn't help, but turn to look at him. His eyes were glazed red and glaring miserably at the wooden coffin perched before them. He had foregone any pretense at being composed and was pulling clumsily at his collar.

Elena supposed it was for the best, Howard was supposed to be playing the role of the grieving son. She doubted that anyone, but herself and a few servants, knew that his pallid complexion and bloodshot eyes were the result from a night of drinking in celebration, rather than crying in sorrow. He was beyond hungover and the strange heat was doing nothing to make him better. She only hoped that he wouldn't do something incredibly…stupid.

"Stop fidgeting." Elena warned quietly, "There are more than enough people staring at you."

"I think I'm going to throw up." Howard murmured uneasily as he continued to pull at his collar. He could care less about the people watching him. He had spent the past week in a wild state of relief, shock and horror and it was almost over. As soon as the coffin was in the ground, he could move on.

"Please don't." Elena said with a small grimace, "I told you not to drink so much last night."

He rolled his eyes and instantly regretted it as the sensation of a million needles pierced his skull, "How was I supposed to know it would be such a wretched morning? Isn't it supposed to rain at funerals?...God, I'm dying."

"You're not dying, you big baby. Besides, I think the world is rather happy that your father is no longer in it, I know I am." Elena muttered lightly as she watched the preacher finally close his bible and step back from the coffin to let the gravediggers have access.

Howard nearly cried in relief at the sight of the slightly grungy men, "Give me a break. The only person mourning daddy dearest is your mother."

As if the woman in question could hear his words from across the aisle of folding chairs, Vitoria Turner, sister of Howard Stark Senior, let out an awful screeching sob. Elena was sure the entire congregation cringed at the sound as she tried to hold back a groan of disgust. She could see her older brother, Fergus, quickly coming to her mother's aid with a handkerchief. It wasn't even eleven in the morning and already the day was too long.

"Think she'll still be crying when she finds out that father left her out of his will?" Her cousin murmured amusedly as he watched the spectacle his aunt was making.

"Yes, except then the tears will be real." Elena muttered dryly as she turned her attention back to the lowering of the casket. She honestly didn't want to think about her mother receiving that news. The woman was intolerable on a good day; on a bad day, Vitoria Turner could make Satan cry, "Can I stay with you when that happens?"

Howard sent her a sympathetic look, "Do you even have to ask, Birdie? You're always welcome in my home." He tugged at his collar again, "My God, what is with this heat? It's barely even May. I swear this is my father's doing. He's making sure I'm miserable even when he's gone."

"Don't say that!" Elena whispered harshly as she went pale at the thought of her uncle still having any influence on the world.

She sensed Howard's sharp eyes studying her and suddenly felt her stomach roll with silent shame. He hadn't been the only one to have a tumultuous week. She had been bouncing between the same emotions he had, the only difference was that Elena knew they would not be able to move on as easily as her cousin seemed to think. Her eyes drifted back towards the rectangular hole in the ground, and suddenly, her dress wasn't the only thing unable to breathe. What had she done?

As if he knew what she was thinking, Howard quickly grasped her hand and squeezed her fingers. Her blue gaze quickly snapped to him, but all Howard could do was shake his head. Don't fall apart now, he was silently trying to tell her. Not yet.

"Where's that flask you snatched this morning?" He whispered instead, no longer meeting her stare. If he had, then he would have seen the exasperated disbelief that sparked in her blue orbs.

"I'm not giving you anymore alcohol."

Howard bit back a smile as he heard the annoyance coating her voice. However, he hadn't been asking for the flask for himself to use, but for her. Elena could use a little alcohol to calm her nerves. He turned to explain this to her, but was only able to get his mouth open when another resounding screech was heard from the other side of the aisle as the mourners began to stand for final farewells.

Elena glared at him, "If I have to deal with my mother sober, then so do you."

Howard wisely kept his mouth shut and stood to receive the forming line of condolence wishes. Suddenly, he wished she had given him the flask. In a perfect world, he would not have had to arrange a funeral at the age of sixteen. His eyes drifted toward the now lowered casket that had induced Elena's minor panic moments before, but then he should not have killed his father either. His hands went clammy and the headache he had been nursing all morning seemed to become even more unbearable. He just needed to get past today. A moment later, he felt Elena come to his side. Her hand lightly tapped his elbow to let him know that she was there if he needed her. He smiled gratefully at her.

"Uncle Leo is here." Elena whispered as he began to shake hands, "He'll take us back to the house once we're done here."

Howard nodded his understanding as he spared another glance toward his father's grave. As he glanced back at the mourners, he caught Elena's gaze. A look of grim understanding passed between them.

No one could know.

Next Chapter

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utterlyhopeful-fics · 5 years

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The Bet~ Part II

@kscarlett1 was 100% my motivation for this chapter! I think there might be more to this story and an SOA crossover and I’m geekin y’all. Enjoy!

The Bet~ Part I

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Me llamo Obispo. Yo soy el presidente. Welcome amiga nuevo: My name is Bishop. I’m the president. Welcome new friend.

Me nombre es Y/N. Mucho gusto: My name is Y/N. Nice to meet you.

Igualmente: Likewise

Days idled in to two aching weeks of radio silence and it was quickly beginning to chip away at Bishop leaving him restless, jumpy, and downright miserable. The checkered tile felt cool beneath his bare feet as sat by his lonesome in their kitchen twisting the label off the presently empty beer bottle.

His sigh echoed deafeningly noisy almost like all the peacefulness had left when Y/N did. All of her belongings still remained in their rightful home as he wondered just how long this charade could last.

Bishop sluggishly walked to the fridge, grabbing another beer before reaching for the half empty tequila bottle, he kept stashed underneath the sink. Emergency purposes only, how properly fitting. He staggered back to his chair before collapsing into his original spot, the spot he intended to waste the day in while hopefully drowning his many sorrows.

His lids closed as his brain traveled back to the fateful day that would eventually fuck up everything.

*Flashback- One Year Ago*

Riz dealt another hand of Poker as Coco, Angel, and Bishop rallied up to the table all intent on winning. After the not so pleasant meeting with Miguel earlier in the afternoon, all members were tittering on the edge, silenced into submission after their latest threat. Miguel fucking Galindo would guarantee the death of their club, but most certainly to their integrity or at least what was left of it.

Everyone glanced at the cards displayed to its designated owner before Angel spoke up; “This only applies to one moron at this table, and yes, I’m talkin bout you Coco; no fucking card counting you prick.”

Coco counter smirked unwilling to confirm nor deny his brother’s suspicions.

“Whatever you say, amigo.”

The game continued smoothly for the next hour before Riz finally braved the sentence no one was willing to speak.

“How the fuck we gonna get out of this one, Pres?”

Bishop exhaled; unsure of how to comfort his brothers and pep their spirits, but the words never found him.

“No more talk of work for the rest of the evening. Got it?”

All nodded in agreement going forth with the festivities surrounding them. Bishop skimmed the crowded room. The bass of the music pulsated around him, the sound of women’s laughter filled the air as the party started to get into full swing.

Until he noticed the stunning figure sitting by her lonesome at the disheveled bar; her body swaying to the current beat, her emerald eyes closed with a blissful smile painted upon her lips. She looked like heaven; beautiful to admire and way out of his league, but he loved a challenge.

“Say boys…does anybody know the broad sitting at the bar?”

All eyes guided towards the stranger’s direction admiring the beauty thankfully clueless to their gawking. Suddenly Coco’s cleared his voice, his attention focused on the current cards in his hand; “Her name’s Y/N. She used to be an Old Lady for the Sons.”

“That doesn’t explain why she’s here tonight in Mayans territory now does it?” Bishop’s tolerance began to flounder, his impatience clearly nearing the finish line.

“She’s works at Santo Padre Hospital as the newest Chief of Cardio…or so I’ve heard.”

Angel’s eyebrow raised slightly staring at Coco quizzically; “How the fuck do you know all this shit? You stalking this girl, bro?”

Coco leaned closer lowering his tone trapping the curious men beside him.

“Get this. She just so happens to be Vicki’s niece hence why she is here tonight.”

“Jesus, she’s one fine piece of ass.”

Bishop coldly stared at Angel’s now frightened expression; “If I’ve taught you one thing in all the years of being graced with my company, it is always to treat a lady with respect. Chicks dig the gentlemen, I’m tellin you.”

Angel was alit with drunken charm as the next sentence tumbled from his lips; “Said the man who got laid last when…?”

“I’d be real careful if I were your squirt. Tonight, is not the night to be checky with me, do I make myself clear?”

Luckily Angel had the brain power to know when to halt his shenanigans and silently complied with his president’s request.

Enough with this shit. Bishop threw his remaining cards down overwhelmed and abruptly out of breath.

“I’m going outside for some fresh air. Deal me out, I’m done boys.”

As Bishop made his way towards the exit, he braved a glance over his shoulder towards Y/N surprisingly locking eyes before she looked back at the woman now occupying the empty seat beside her.

Bishop reached the porch in no time, scurrying for his pack of lights only to be disappointed to find empty pockets and quarters. His head tilted back, eyes rolled to the back of his head, and he tiredly groaned, rubbing his hands over his face in defeat.

Before his pity became all-consuming, Bishop’s neck hair stood on edge alerting him of someone else’s presence as he heard a quiet ‘Hey’. He turned to follow the melodic voice, she was even more gorgeous up close.

“I think I can be of assistance.” Y/N combed her blonde hair behind her ears revealing a cigarette tucked away and handed it to the handsome man sitting alone.

“You don’t strike me as a smoker but today has definitely not been my day.”

“I’m not. It was kinda forced upon her, hence the hiding spot.” She chuckled at her own joke accidentally releasing a snort. She reached to cover her mouth embarrassed at the sound her body created, but Bishop Losa lit up like a kid on Christmas morning.

“Me llamo Obispo. Yo soy el presidente. Welcome amiga nuevo.”

“Me nombre es Y/N. Mucho gusto.”

“Igualmente. What brings you to this part of town, bonita?”

“Ah, already with the names. I thought you would be different…less unpredictable.”

“Lo siento mucho. I must admit it was even a little sleazy for me too. I guarantee you it won’t happen again, maybe.”

“All is forgiven. Um, long story short. My marriage was in shambles, my home didn’t feel like home any longer, and this was a badass job opportunity. I’m a doctor, heart doctor to be exact.”

“How did I get so lucky to be in the company of a genius, especially one as interesting as yourself.”

“Some people are just blessed, ya know?” He had never seen a smile as lovely as Y/N’s but he knew it could make a rainy day entertaining.

Bishop took a long drag of his almost finished cigarette embracing the finality of the ticklish burn in his throat. Y/N was too busy gazing at the stars momentarily distracting her. Bishop decided to break their bubble of peace; “I better be heading back inside. Gotta keep these guys in line.”

“You have a rowdy crew on your hands but a loyal bunch. Lucky you.”

“It was really nice meeting you. Hopefully, I’ll see you around?”

“Who knows what the future has in store? The odds might be switching in your favor.”

She extended her hand to shake his just as lightening simmered between them slowly before becoming electrifying. Simultaneously, they both pulled away finding each other’s eyes. Bishop broke eye contact first and began the minor trek back inside, his nerves tingling as he shook his fingers. What the hell just happened?

“Hasta luego.”

“Ciao.”

He dragged his feet back to his chair greeting the guys once more. Smoke engulfed the room as the alcohol resumed to flow.

Riz pipped up; “Change of heart, boss?”

“Shut the hell up and deal the damn cards.”

Coco interjected, snickering; “Someone’s feathers seem to be ruffled.”

“How bout we make things a little more stimulating.”

Bishop gave into his whims, “What did you have in mind, ya idiot?”

“While you were absent, we were discussing and came up with a great idea. A bet.”

“I’ll give in. Explain.”

Angel perked up resting his elbows on the table reveling in temporary power. “Well you did say to get our minds off of work and what better way than to initiate the new girl.”

Riz butted his way into the conversation; “Since you my dear friend seems the most in need of female interaction, your name easily came up. Seduce Y/N, reel her in. Hook, line, and sinker.”

She seemed like a sweet enough girl and he was obviously lacking female companionship at the moment, so he blindly accepted.

“Easy, what’s my timeline?”

“Three months max.” All men shook their heads in agreement.

“Winner gets forty-eight hours of uninterrupted ‘vacation’.”

Any time away from the club was always a blessing in disguise and he was in dire need of a break from his twisted reality.

“You assholes are going down.”

Bish dared one more glimpse at the mysterious woman who enraptured his attention. Concocting his plan would take time since she wasn’t like one of the usual girls that hung around. She was a goddamn surgeon! Y/N felt a pair of eyes watching her as she glanced at her newly found friend, a faint smirk alighting her features.

Her belly tightened with renewed butterflies as she looked away from Mr. President himself not quite ready to admit the blush tinging her cheeks was all due to the inexplicably fascinating man, she had the pleasure of stumbling upon. Y/N exhaled; finally, optimistic of her new journey in Santo Padre and away from her past life.

----------

Requests open!

#mayans mc #mayans #mayans mc x reader #my writing #the bet #bishop x reader #bishop losa x reader #mayans mc imagine #mayans mc fx

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sakurauchiha2018 · 6 years

Text

A Little Faith

Hey guys! Sorry that this is late...life gets in the way sometimes and things have been rough. Hopefully I can get the next update soon.

Chapter 1 , Chapter 2 , Chapter 3, Chapter 4

My stomach hurts from laughing and there’s a slight haze in the room. We barely made it through the first half of the movie before the boys decided to start playing games. Cho-Cho, Hima and I are left sitting on the couches watching them be idiots. Boruto and Inojin are currently trying to complete a game of pool without losing interest. My eyes turn back to Himawari who seems to be keeping a close eye on Inojin.

“You know Hima, a picture lasts longer.” I snicker before taking another sip of my drink, a tingling feeling goes down my throat and my lips turn in a scowl. Drinking has never been I forte but tonight I decided to join in on the fun. Mama is probably going to scold me once she smells it, oh well. A blush spreads on her face before she narrows her eyes at me.

“I could say the same Sara! The way you look at my brother is too cute.” I cringe at the childish nickname, it’s been so long since someone’s called me that. My hand waves in front of my face and I can’t help but feel flustered by her statement. Ever since Monday I’ve been a little more flustered talking about Boruto. He hasn’t said those three words since then. Does he regret saying it? My eyes meet Hima’s again and I can see a fire and curiosity burning in those blue orbs. She’s definitely grown more bold and confident in college.

Cho-Cho jumps beside me and so does Hima. They both lean in close, my facial expression has given me away to these two. Sighing I take another gulp of my drink trying to wash away whatever evidence of my embarrassment is there.

“So what’s going on with you and Boruto? You two seem more drawn to each other than normal.” Cho-Cho questions as she leans even closer to me. She’s always been a hopeless romantic, always watching everyone around her and noticing things the normal person wouldn’t. Truth be told I haven’t noticed a change between us physically.

“Yeah, big brother couldn’t keep his eyes off of you during the movie. Even now he can’t.” The tips of my ears feel red hot and I have to keep myself from turning around. Maybe I should tell them? I haven’t talked to anyone about it. Sighing I relax into the couch and stare into the red cup I’m holding.

“There’s something. Just keep your voices down when I tell you.” I whisper so the boys behind us don’t over hear. We’ve tried to be like my parents when it comes to personal stuff.

“Did you two, ya know?” Cho-Cho wiggles her brows at me and instantly my face is red. Of course she would take it that far.

“What? No! That’s gross Cho-Cho. Boruto….he told me he loves me.” The last two words come out as a whisper, almost too low for their ears to hear. Hima’s arms are wrapped tightly around me and Cho-Cho does the same.

“About time! Sometimes I feel like Big Brother is just a big idiot.” That makes two of us Hima. Smiling I wiggle free from their hold and turn all attention back to the youngest one here.

“Since I told you that, what’s going on with you and Inojin?” Now it’s my turn to wiggle my brows and question her. It’s obvious that she has a crush on him, she has for a long time now. Blue eyes look back towards the group of loudmouths and then back to us, a huge smile spread on her face.

“He’s been coming to see me on the weekends. Oh and we went on a date a few weeks ago.” Her thumbs pick at the edge of her shorts and the look in her eyes makes my body warm. It’s the same look I see when Mama talks about Papa and when Uncle Naruto talks about Aunt Hinata. Inojin has always been protective of Himawari. Whenever she was having a rough day he would make sure to try and cheer her up. It makes sense that they’d be great together.

“Just don’t tell Big Brother. I don’t want to tell them until it’s an official thing.”

“No worries Himawari! Your secret is safe with us.” Cho-Cho grins widely at her before we’re all pulled up from the couch. Boruto’s cheeks are slightly red from either drinking or yelling, not sure which one. His arm wraps around my waist and pulls me over to the pool table. Instead of being forced to play, Boruto is holding onto me tightly as the others team up for a game. Normally I would be uncomfortable with this type of affection but these are our closest friend so it’s fine. His chin rests on the top of my head and we both watch the others begin their game.

“What were you three talking about?” His hushed voice only reaches my ears and I simply shrug my shoulders as a response. Inojin and Himawari are trying their best to not make things obvious but the more I watch them the more I see their real connection. My phone vibrates in my pocket and I fish it out from between us, pinching the blonde’s side before the device comes to eye level.

‘Mitsuki- I should be there soon. Date night ran over.’

“Who’s he dating?” And here I thought they were best friends.

“Remember our class rep senior year?”

“Really? Sumire? Never thought that would happen.” I can understand what he means though. Back in our Freshman year she thought Boruto was the coolest guy in class and wanted to get closer to him. After watching him closer and realizing that Boruto can be an immature prankster she changed her mind. That’s when Mitsuki stepped in, their personalities mesh well together.

“That’s because you liked the attention she gave you.”

Before he could argue Shikadai throws down his stick in defeat, that was quick.

“How do you two always beat us?” Cho-Cho whines before plopping down on the floor.

“Because Inojin knows all of your moves.” I try to keep the words a whisper but it seems that they don’t like very much as eyes lock on to me. Waving my hands in front of my face as a defense I blush crimson red and try to hide. A few laughs came from them before the walk over to the main event.

“Let’s have a tournament!” Boruto shouts before I’m unwrapped from his arms. A slight huff of annoyance comes out as the others set up a chart, knowing well enough that I won’t play. Honestly it’s too easy of a game for me. It’s a pattern that repeats itself over and over again. Too boring and predictable for me.

The door clicks open and in walks in Mitsuki with a huge grin on his face. Walking over to him I point at the others.

“You’ll end up playing.”

“I know. You’ve never been one for that game. Is Mrs. Sakura home?”

“No. My parents went out for the night.”

“Well then let’s have some fun.” He smiles widely and instantly joins the party. I lean over on the pool table watching the closely as my hand rubs against the soft felt. My phone vibrates again and I look down confused by the message.

‘Unknown- Watch your back.’

My brows furrow and my stomach twists from the threat. It could be just a harmless prank by one of my other friends or just bored teenagers. Maybe I should show this to Uncle Itachi on Monday. Swiping the screen so it disappears all of my attention is focused on the green felt. The feeling in my stomach doesn’t fade and I can feel my chest tighten. Monday morning I’m going straight to my uncle and figuring out what’s going on, I can’t tell my parents because they have enough on their plate.

Taking the cue ball in my hand, I push it slightly towards the pocket. With a soft clank it tips over the edge. My eyes lock onto to the backs of the people precious to me. Hopefully this text was an empty threat and nothing more because if it’s not then I will have to protect all of them too. Cho-Cho comes up to me waving a cup underneath my nose, the strong scent of alcohol causes me to snarl. This must be mine since she’s already drinking from another, there’s no point in denying the drink. The strong mixture burns as it runs down my throat but with each drink the worries disappear into the back of my mind and eventually it is gone.

My cheeks burn and Cho-Cho gives me a wide, bright smile. A flashback of when we were younger and carefree comes to the front of my mind and I instinctively wrap my arms around her neck. Throughout my childhood she was there if I ever needed her and vice versa.

“Okay, okay. Geez you’re an affectionate drunk.” She groans in my ear but doesn’t push me away. The laughter of our friends breaks me from our hold and I move over to the group with a slight skip in my step. Boruto is standing behind the dance pads and I wrap my arms around his waist, letting my cheek rest on his back. The scent of fresh rain and grass makes its way to my nose and my body relaxes even more into his. A chuckle vibrates through him making my head move away so he can spin in my arms. Crystal blue eyes stare straight at me, a flush covering his cheeks as well. It seems that Cho-Cho has made everyone one of her signature drinks. Even in my intoxicated state I can’t help but stare at him like I did earlier in my room. One of the many things that I love about him is his eyes, they always seem to calm me when it’s been a rough day. They carry a shine to them that makes your while body relax from one look. It’s like staring into a crystal clear lake, all of your worries get washed away for just a moment.

Someone clears their throat breaking my concentration, my eyes meet with Hima’s and instantly I feel my face turn red hot. Looks like our moment has been broken as my arms drop. My legs are carrying me on their own and without thinking I find myself on the dance pad beside Inojin. Our eyes meet and the signature Uchiha smirk plasters on my face.

“You sure you want to play?” His voice is cocky but I just shrug my shoulders.

“Sarada you can do this!” Hima and Cho-Cho cheers from behind us as the screen starts the song. My eyes watch the pattern form and everything else moves on its own. A wide smile spreads on my face as I let my feet do the work and my brain takes a break from over thinking. The cheers of my friends don’t even register until the song is over, the winner sign flashing over my name.

“No way! I thought you hated this game?” Shikadai yells as I’m stepping down, one round was more than enough for me.

“It’s too easy of a game honestly.” My hands reach for my cup again knowing that my female best friend has refilled all of them. Two more take the game over and I close my eyes to catch my break. Honestly who invented a video game where you actually have to exercise in order to play? Only my friends would mix that with strong alcohol. Reopening my eyes, I let my breathing even out before the room is filled with laughter. Our ears don’t even register the door open as Boruto and Hima are dancing.

“Sarada!” The cup almost falls from my hands, bright green eyes clash against mine but I can see that there’s no anger in them. My mother’s cheeks are bright red as well, even my father has a slight pink tint to his cheeks. It seems date night was a success! Mama pulls me into a death grip causing us to almost tumble into the floor. Her eyes glance up to see the siblings playing on the pads.

“Sasuke-kun! I wanna play!!” The childish side of my mother begin to break through. Papa’s head shakes for a moment before a huge sigh escapes his lips, we all know that there’s no way he can tell her no. As they finished their song, my parents make their way over to the pads and I wrap around Boruto again.

For a moment the façade that my father puts on breaks away and he smiles over at my mother as they play. Their eyes meet during some of the game and a few laughs are shared between them. This is a side that not many get to see, I’ve only seen it a few times myself. All of my friends are in awe for the moment knowing that the song is coming to an end. The winner sign flashed over Mama’s name and she squealed in victory. A yawn escapes my mouth before a cough follows behind it, at least the others are still focused on my parents. Looking at the screen of my phone with blurry eyes I notice that it’s past midnight, my bed is calling my name. Mama walks over to me again and wraps an arm around me, her lips close to my ear.

“Everyone stays the night.” Her face backs away and those pink brows wiggle just a little from her words. My cheeks instantly burn as I realize what she’s insinuating. Papa looks at us both closely before ushering my mother from the room. There are times when my mother can be completely childish but responsible at the same time.

“Mama said that everyone needs to stay the night.”

“Sleep over at the Uchiha’s! It’s been forever.” Cho-Cho shouts as she runs down the hallway to the spare rooms. The boys follow closely behind her except for Boruto. Him and Himawari seem to be having a deep conversation by the looks on their faces. Almost mirroring the face I had earlier on the couch. I don’t know whether to walk over to their conversation or leave them be. My body starts to move on its own out of the door and begin the semi long walk towards my bedroom, but as soon as I’m through the threshold a warm hand rests on my wrist. Without looking I know it’s my guy holding onto me. I lead the way to the safety of my room, not caring what my father will think tomorrow. All I want is to curl under the warmth of my blanket with Boruto.

So that’s what I do. I quickly duck into the closet to strip off my clothing and replace it with a simple pair of shorts and t-shirt. When I come back I see Boruto has taken off most of clothing and lays in the bed waiting for me. Tucking myself against him, I feel his heart hammering against my back. Whatever they talked about must’ve been important since he’s still thinking about it. His words from earlier ring in my mind.

“What were you two talking about?” A smirk forms on my sleepy face. His head shakes no just like I did earlier. Huffing I turn in his arms and place a small kiss on the center of his chest.

“Later Sarada. You need to sleep.” Circles are lazily drawn on my back in a soothing rhythm. We’ve only ever shared a bed together twice before this and each time we never touched like this. Too afraid that our parents would catch us and be angry, but honestly I don’t care anymore. Taking in another deep breath I feel his hold on me tighten before my eyes close firmly.

Just as the darkness takes me under I feel a pair of warm lips pressed against my forehead. Warmth spreads through my whole body, each muscle relaxes and I lean closer into his chest. My nose is almost smashed completely flat but not to where it’s uncomfortable.

“Good night Sarada.” His voice is soft and before long a small snore fills my ears. Smiling I just nod and let my exhaustion take over.

I just want to thank @kairi-chan for helping me stay motivated. You truly are amazing! Here soon my ask box will be empty as well 😊

#sarada uchiha #boruto uzumaki #borusara #Sasuke Uchiha #sakura uchiha #sasusaku #Naruto Uzumaki #hinata hyuga #himawai uzumaki #mitsuki #inojin #shikadai #chocho

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roobierubyroobieruby · 7 years

Text

I Remember It

Pairing: Steve Rogers x Reader

Word Count: 5,520 (minus song lyrics)

Warnings: angst and heartbreak - no resolution to it (sorry)

Summary: In a short amount of time, Steve became one of your best friends. Over the course of your 11 month friendship, things changed so drastically that you could barely keep up - and you’re still suffering the Rogers Effect a year on...

(italics are all flashbacks, **flashback scene in a flashback)

A/N: This is based off of the Taylor Swift song “All Too Well”, so I wrote this for Steve because I wanted to do an angst-feels fic that essentially was all about heartbreak. This fic talks about events taking place over 11 months, then 3 months after those 11 months - so where I’ve written “1 month post...” means 1 months after the events of the 11 months. If that makes sense? And I designed it to jump around, it’s a rollercoaster! I used real experiences for this too so yeah, hopefully it breaks your heart a little <3 ily

You stepped through your apartment door, your heart heavy with sadness. You had been on your way home from SHIELD, mindlessly flicking through your social media when you saw a photo Wanda had uploaded two hours ago of the whole team. Your heart had sunken into your chest, your breathing ceased, as your eyes were drawn to look at his face. You tortured yourself doing this, stopping to stare at the photo instead of scrolling passed it like you should have.

It had been just over a year since you’d seen him, even longer since you had spoken, but the pain was as fierce as if no time at all had passed. Your eyes studied his features - his carefree smile, the way he stood behind Wanda with his hand on her shoulder, his other arm slung over Bucky’s, his hair was so perfectly swept to the side as he always liked it, and his eyes shone so brilliantly blue that it felt like you were staring into the sky after months of darkness, having forgotten what it looks like.

You bit down on your lip, your leg bouncing up and down, trying to ward off the tears as your throat closed up. You had held yourself together until the moment you’d stepped through your door, feeling the hot tears run down your face.

You shuffled through the lounge and hallway, taking solace in your bedroom while you changed into comfier clothes. Thankfully, this was one place he hadn’t invaded, hadn’t tainted, with his own personal poison to ensure you were haunted by him forever.

You heard the front door open and Nat’s voice sing out, realizing she was home earlier than expected as she moved through the apartment. You were perched on the floor of your room, your back resting against the cold, hard wall, and your knees pulled up close against you.

“(Y/N) are you ho- oh my god are you ok?!” She rushed over to you, crouching down to look you in the eyes.

I’m fine.

You wanted to say, the words stuck on your tongue.

I saw a picture of him and barely felt anything.

You wanted to scream, but it died in your throat.

I finally think I’m over it, over him.

You thought to yourself, the words sinking you further into the floor.

Instead, you let out a loud sob, unable to hold it in anymore, your chest cleaving in two. As soon as the floodgates opened, it all came out. Your mind raced through everything that ever happened between you - from start to finish, and every beautifully pure detail in between. Your body shook with the ferocity of your tears, Nat moving to sit next to you and pull you tightly into her in an attempt to provide some comfort.

(Nat’s POV)

She knew exactly what had happened, that you had seen him. She was sure it was that photo Wanda had uploaded, since there was nothing else that could cause you to break like this since you deleted him from all of your social media, and your life. She had been there every single day, from the moment he’d left you high and dry, to now. Even though you were still healing your broken heart, you had made so much progress.

You had lost weight at the beginning, your pallor looking thin and sickly, you stopped sleeping and eating, and that was when she insisted that you two move out from the tower. She even spoke to Agent Coulson and got you moved to another team - although they weren’t the Avengers, they all had their own abilities and worked missions the same way the Avengers did. They weren’t as high profile either, being dubbed “The Silent Knights”, so you got a break from the constant media frenzy that used to surround you.

It had worked in your favour that this team was specialized for covert, highly classified missions that relied on stealth, since you and Nat had both had the same...treatments. Where she was the Avenger’s super spy weapon, you went back to your roots with the Knights, enjoying the thrill of the hunt in the cover of darkness.

After a couple of weeks off, away from him and the tower, you had begun to gain some colour. You filled out your clothes a bit better and you begun venturing outside of your shared apartment, even if it was just down to the shop and back. You had even begun to laugh again, a sound that nearly brought tears to her eyes because she feared he had broken you to a point you wouldn’t be able to recover from entirely.

She had kept Bruce away from the apartment, not wanting to flaunt her relationship with him in front of you, but you had noticed how his absence had affected her and you’d given her the okay to have him over. You had explained that you were a big girl and that you didn’t want to be the one standing between her and her happiness, that just because your heart was broken, she didn’t have to suffer alongside you.

Besides, you had to start moving passed it all eventually, and Bruce was lovely, he knew the situation and wouldn’t dare bring up his name, so he was safe to you.

As she sat there, cradling you and soothing you, she wondered whether there was going to come a day where you would be able to be truly happy again, a day where the mere sight of him wouldn’t reduce you to anything. A day where you were finally indifferent, or at the least unaffected by him.

(Your POV)

You were captive into your head, your mind forcing you to relive those 11 months with him, and the 3 months after that in limbo felt like your own personal brand of torture. You held onto Nat, your fingers curling around her arms as you struggled to regain control, but it was no use. This was it. You had fallen again, your body draining of energy and falling apart at the seams, each memory another blow to your already fragile heart.

I walked through the door with you, the air was cold

But something ‘bout it felt like home somehow

And I left my scarf there at your sister’s house

And you’ve still got it in your drawer even now

(Four months in)

You collapsed through his door, laughing as he scrambled to pull you back into his arms.

“Steve no, please stop,” breathlessly squealing through his attack, “you know I hate being tickled!”

“I’m trying to warm you up and get your blood pumping! I’m helping you doll!”

He laughed, wrapping his body around yours and nuzzling into your neck. The sensation of his skin on yours jolted you away from him, turning to face him.

“I forgot my scarf! I knew I was colder on the way back here than when we went there! You thought I was crazy!” You punched him in the chest, knowing he would barely feel it, “well I will get it back for you then, I’m sure Wanda probably picked it up on the way out.” He moved in to kiss you, his lips warm and soft, his arms encircling your waist. It was slow, lingering, your fingers moving up around his neck to play with his hair. You heard a low moan when you did, his grip tightening before you broke apart.

“I think I’m pretty warmed up now Steve, you’ve done well.” You chewed on your lip, savouring the taste of him.

“Oh love, I have much better ways to do that...:” His eyes grew hungry, his hands wandering down your body as he pressed his lips against yours, moving you back through the room and kicking the door shut.

A week later, you were rifling through Steve’s drawers - wearing nothing but your gym shorts and sports bra - looking for your favourite shirt of his to steal, when your hands brushed over familiar fabric. You pulled your scarf out of his drawer, staring quizzically, wondering when he’d picked this up.

“Oh, I’ve been meaning to give that back to you. I kept forgetting.”

He was standing in the doorway, fresh from his morning run, his hand nervously running through his hair.

“Or, maybe you keep it because you secretly want to wear my pretty red and blue floral scarf?” You wiggled your eyebrows at him, snickering at the image in your head. “The red and blue are your colours after all, Captain America.”

He strode up to you, his hand pulling the scarf - and you - to him, “I also wear white, Red Widow.” He pressed a soft kiss to your cheek while you feigned shock at him using your spy name, before sauntering off into the adjoined bathroom, allowing the door to remain ajar so you could see him strip his shirt off through the mirror.

“You know, between you stealing my shirts, and leaving your own stuff here, it’s as if we live together at this point.”

He stared at you through the mirror, a smirk playing on his lips as you shook your head at him.

“You know, maybe this is home somehow. Not the room, just wherever you are.” You moved through to the bathroom, poking your head through to see him in the shower.

He opened the shower door, “you know what I think?” A mischievous grin broke across his face as he launched himself out and wrapped his arms around your torso, lifting you and carrying you towards the shower.

“STEVE WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!” You squealed in delight, your arms flailing to grab a hold of anything that might give you some leverage. He smoothly reoriented himself to pin your legs, edging towards the water.

“I need a shower, and I want you to help me.”

You relented, nipping at his lips, “aren’t you a big boy? Why do you need my help?”

“Maybe I just want some company.” His fingers brushed under the waistband of your pants, tickling your skin. “I’ll deal with these in a minute.”

He stepped into the warm steam, putting you down gently while his mouth worked its way over your neck, up to your jaw, before finally giving in and meeting your mouth. His hands roamed your body, grabbing your waist harder as he grew more frenzied in his actions.

You both had a really, really good shower that morning, feeling right at home.

Oh your sweet disposition and my wide-eyed gaze

We’re singing in the car getting lost upstate

Autumn leaves falling down like pieces into place

And I can picture it after all these days

(2 months in)

You snuck a glance over at Steve, the sunlight gleaming onto his face - highlighting his soft, pouty lips, his long eyelashes framing his crystal blue eyes, and his golden hair creating a halo around his head. His brow slightly furrowed in concentration as he absentmindedly ran his fingers over his lips, driving one-handed in his usual fashion.

You heard the familiar chords of the electric guitar fill the speakers of the car as you leapt with joy in the passenger seat, causing Steve to yell in panic.

“What, are you ok?!”

You stared at him, eyes wide with joy, “it’s my song Steve!! Sing with me!”

He chuckled beside you, shaking his head as you turned the volume up, drowning out the world.

You swung your head wildly with the beat, pointing over to him, “I’m going out tonight, I’m feeling alright, gonna let it all hang out. Wanna make some noise, really raise my voice, yeah I wanna scream and shout.”

You winked at him, stomping your feet to the rhythm, “come on, sing with me!”

“The best thing about being a woman, is the prerogative to have a little fun, yeah!”

You belted out the chorus, looking over to see Steve staring at you in his usual sweet way as he held his hand up like he was holding a microphone - belting out the chorus alongside you.

“Oh oh oh, like totally crazy, forget I’m a lady, men’s shirts short skirts, oh oh oh oh really go wild yeah doin’ it in style,”

You squealed in delight, his moves exaggerated - rolling and shaking his shoulders, slightly moving his head from side to side - as if he were performing to a stadium instead of just a girl in a car, his eyes shining with glee.

“oh oh oh get in the action, feel the attraction, colour my hair, do what I dare, oh oh oh I wanna be free yeah, to feel the way I feel,”

With the final line, you both turned to stare at each other, holding your invisible microphones, deadpan expressions on your faces, “man, I feel like a woman!”

You threw yourself back into your seat, lost in a fit of laughter over the Captain breaking out into a Shania Twain song - ‘Man! I Feel Like a Woman’ no less. You would remember this moment forever.

And I know it’s long gone

And that magic’s not here no more

And I might be okay

But I’m not fine at all

(9 months in)

“No please Nat, don’t go talk to him. If he wanted to see me, or even talk to me, he would.”

“(Y/N), he’s being an ass! He can’t treat you like this just because he feels like it. You’ve been there for him for months now, and what, just because he’s ‘busy’ he has no time for you anymore?”

“Look, I am more hurt by this than I ever thought I’d feel, even more so because I never thought he would be the one to hurt me. But he has, and I don’t know what I did to deserve it but whatever we had is gone.”

“You seem awfully okay to just let this go…”

“I’m not okay, I’m not even remotely okay or fine or managing at all. But I have to anyway, because if he’s too busy to even let me know he’s okay then I can take the hint.”

“You shouldn’t have to just take it. He’s the one that’s pulling away for no reason and you shouldn’t be expected to just accept that.”

“I have to. If he wants to talk, he knows where to find me.”

‘Cause there we are again on that little town street

You almost ran the red ‘cause you were looking over at me

Wind in my hair, I was there, I remember it all too well

(2 months in cont.)

Your laugh echoed through the car, almost drowned out by the wind whistling through and moving your hair in wild directions, your eyes taking in the small town shops and the way the light shone through the trees to cast an earthly glow on the entire place.

You felt him slip his hand underneath yours, his fingers intertwining, squeezing gently. You turned back to him, meeting his eyes, your lips parted slightly in surprise before melting into a smile at the sight of him smiling at you.

You bit your lip gently, feeling his thumb move over your skin, sending shivers across every nerve, butterflies erupting through every part of your stomach. You glanced down, your mind wanting to make sure this was real, before you were jolted in your seat as the car came to a halt.

He erupted into deep, raucous laughter when he realized that he’d narrowly avoided running a red light, a little old lady glaring at the two of you in your own personal bubble, oblivious to the outside world when you had each other.

Photo album on the counter, your cheeks were turning red

You used to be a little kid with glasses in a twin sized bed

And your mother’s telling stories about you on the tee ball team

You tell me ‘bout your past, thinking your future was me

(6 months in)

One night, you were sat on the barstool next to Steve, leaning forward into his side, looking through some old photos that he had found of himself, as well as photos of you when you were younger. He didn’t have many, seeing as it was the 40’s and after his parents died and he went to war, there wasn’t really anyone around to keep things.

He treasured what he had, regaling stories of times when he and Bucky would get into mischief, or when the two of them were so inseparable that he had tried out for the school baseball team just to be with Bucky.

You stared at his profile, taking in every feature - big and small - while he told you of the time that little seven-year-old Steve tried to jump from his twin bed across the room onto his dresser. He had missed and hit the floor with a thud so loud that his mother had raced in fearing he was unconscious. He had broken his glasses, thankful they were intended to be temporary anyway, and he had cut his lip open on his teeth, causing blood to run down his chin and stain his clothes. He’d never heard the end of it from Bucky.

Sliding your photo album forward, his eyes roaming over every single photo and page - studying your child self and commenting about how cute you were, how similar you looked to your mother, how much you had and hadn’t changed - you began telling your own childhood stories.

You rarely opened up to people, having the experience that they always left once they got what they wanted from you, but you slowly began to trust that maybe - just maybe - Steve might be the one who changes your mind, breaks through your walls, and will stick around to be part of your future. Whatever that was, however it happened, you didn’t care so long as he was in it.

And I know it’s long gone

And there was nothing else I could do

And I forget about you long enough

To forget why I needed to

(3 months post…)

As much as you hated to admit it, Nat was right. Being in a new apartment, away from the tower, was good for you. Eating became a regular habit, as did sleep, and you had even moved teams so you didn’t have to see or speak to Steve anymore.

You had deleted him from all of your social media the day you’d started seeing posts of him with Sharon Carter, not wanting to subject yourself to the torture of wondering what she had that you didn’t - why she was good enough for him. Why giving yourself over to him, giving whatever he wanted of you to him without a second thought, wasn’t enough.

Soon, you noticed you’d go a day without him entering your mind, then two, then three. Soon, you were giving him a passing thought at best - focused on your team, missions, and life. Even though you hadn’t gotten any answers, or apology, regardless of the times you’d reached out in hopes of getting one, you had begun to accept that there was nothing else you could do. This was his choice, to cut you out of his life as if you were a malignant tumour that was killing him, and you didn’t need someone like that in your life.

Every now and then, your mind would wander back to him and you’d think of the good times you had, enjoying the untainted memories before you remembered why you were in this position in the first place - why you needed to forget him at all. You deserved better. That was what mattered, and that was why you were determined to forget him, because he didn’t give you any sparing thought when he was cutting into your heart and ripping it to pieces with his silence. Why should you have to continue to suffer for someone else’s choice. You don’t. You deserved better.

You just had to try and remind yourself of that every time you remembered his face, and why you were no longer a part of each other’s lives. You deserved better.

‘Cause there we are again in the middle of the night

We’re dancing around the kitchen in the refrigerator light

Down the stairs, I was there, I remember it all too well, yeah

(7 months in)

You had wandered from your room, seeking out a hot cup of tea in the hopes it would calm your mind enough to sleep. You sat on the very same barstool as the night you had reminisced about your past with Steve, letting the memory relax your body, closing your eyes as the heat flooded through your cold limbs.

“Can’t sleep?”

His low voice, so familiar you didn’t need to look to know he was already sitting next to you, broke through your trip down memory lane.

“Nope, another night of exhaustion and an inability to make up for it. But hey, it’s only 1.30am, I still have time to get in a couple of hours if this tea does its job.”

You smiled weakly, sparing a glance at him while he moved to open the fridge - always on the hunt for food - taking the opportunity to gaze at his form: the way his sweat pants hung low on his hips, his shirt stretching across his shoulders, the way his soft hair was standing haphazardly on end, sleep making him look at least 50 years younger than his 95 years old and almost as if he were vulnerable.

He turned around to face you, sighing with a small smile on his beautiful, soft lips, “ok, come here.��

You quietly put your mug on the counter, shifting off of the barstool and moved into Steve’s open arms. You wrapped your arms around his neck, him hugging your waist, nuzzling into your neck as he began to slowly rock. He pulled away ever so slightly to rest his forehead against yours, moving his arms to rest on your hips, licking his lips.

You both were turning in a small circle, illuminated by the fridge light, the only sound being your slow breaths and your heartbeat thundering in your chest. You heard him begin to hum, one of his favourite slow tunes from the 40’s, letting the sound wash over you and relax your mind. Your eyes grew heavy, laying your head against his chest as he kissed your forehead, his steady heartbeat syncing with yours.

“You know I love you right? You’re my best friend, and I know I said that I don’t think you can love a person unless they’re family or a lover, but you were right. You can love someone more than other people, you love them because you treasure them above all else, without wanting it to be romantic. So, I love you (Y/N).”

You felt a small smile tug at the corner of your mouth. “I know I said that, but I don’t expect you to tell me you love me just because I believe in that kind of love. You don’t and that’s fine, because I know you care about me whether you say it or not.” You let out a long breath, “but in any case, I love you too Steve. You’re my best friend, and I don’t know what I’d do if I didn’t have you in my life.”

You felt him breathe a sigh of relief, his fingers moving under your shirt to trace small circles in the sensitive skin above your hips.

“I’ll always be here. I have nightmares about you leaving me, you know. I wake up panicked, scared you’re really gone.” His hands tightened around you, his voice low and laced with anxiety. “I actually had one tonight, which is why I was up. I’m glad I have you right here with me right now.”

“You know you could always call me or come and find me if you’re having nightmares. I’m always here for you.”

The cold from your body was gone, replaced with his warmth as you nestled yourself further into him, soon begging sleep to let you have just five more minutes.

Maybe we got lost in translation

Maybe I asked for too much

But maybe this thing was a masterpiece

‘Til you tore it all up

Running scared, I was there, I remember it all too well

(1 month post…)

He’d gone radio silent again, only one week after you’d gone to the movies together - his attempt at repairing the rift in your friendship. Relationship? Whatever this was. The pain buried itself deep inside your heart, constricting your chest, as your finger hovered over his name in your phone.

Should you bother texting him anymore? All you got were limited responses, if any at all, but you just couldn’t forget about everything that had happened between you - dropping it as if it never existed in the first place.

It’s as if he got scared of the idea of being close again and high-tailed it out of there, as if you had the plague. Not only had he hurt you the first time he did this, but he’d tried since to hope you’d forgive him, to earn back your trust. You had given him both, even though fear and experience told you to run for the hills and not look back, knowing that your friendship was worth fighting for.

The fact that history repeated itself only told you that whatever you were - whatever you had - he’d torn up, thrown away, burned. What you thought was a masterpiece, was just scrap paper to him. You began to look back over your friendship, trying to pinpoint moments where you might have gotten confused and misunderstood his friendly intentions, or maybe times when you’d asked too much of him, but the only things that came to mind were the times when he’d sought you out - which was every single time - to hold you, kiss you, touch you, and tell you he loved you. There was no mistaking that, right?

Hey, you call me up again just to break me like a promise

So casually cruel in the name of being honest

I’m a crumpled up piece of paper lying here

‘Cause I remember it all, all, all too well

(10 months in)

“Nat, he texted me. I mean, he didn’t come and see me or call me, but he messaged me, asking to go to the movies. He said he misses me. He said he loves me.”

You were staring at your phone in your hand, looking at the text message as if it were physically hurting you, like a hot stone burning into your palm.

“Well what do you want to do?”

You put the phone face down on her bed, throwing yourself into her pillows. “I just want to ignore him, hope that he suffers even a smidgen of what he put me through last month, but I can’t say no. God, why can’t I say no!”

You felt silent tears sliding down your face, thinking back over the way he’d so casually just dropped you from his life without so much as a message or anything. You ceased to exist before you snapped and confronted him. It’d been hours of arguing, yelling, him insisting that he was only doing it out of concern that you were getting feelings for him and he was trying to spare you.

“Steve, I’ve been upfront and honest with you this entire time, and I’ve never made a move on you or done anything unless you initiated it. You hold my hand because you want to, you hug me because you want to, you told me you loved me because you wanted to. I never initiated any of that because I knew you wanted to keep your distance, that you’re not an overly affectionate and emotional person, which is fine by me, just don’t go putting this on me when it was your decision to cut me out.”

“It’s as if you want me to be two different people! You say you want Steve Rogers but then get mad when I’m not Captain America. I can’t be both at the same time, you can’t just pick and choose the parts of me you like.”

“Since when have I ever asked you to choose? I chose you - all of you - from the get go. Not once have I done anything to have you question that, or at least you’ve never brought it up to me. Everything was fine until you decided it wasn’t, Steve, so I can’t play this game. You hurt me, you don’t get to decide you didn’t, and you don’t see how that’s your problem.”

You had stalked away, hiding away behind your locked door, buried under your blanket as you crumpled into a sobbing mess.

The unanswered text message taunted you, before you finally relented and said yes. The whole time, he’d held your hand, grabbed your waist, and made sure that in one way or another, he was always in contact with your skin. When you’d gotten uncomfortable in the theatre seats, he’d shifted the arm rest up, pulling your feet onto his lap as he lazily drew small circles over your thighs.

He’d wrapped his arm around your shoulder when you’d gotten cold, laying small kisses on your cheek and temple, his attention warming the chill you had been trying to maintain in defence. He’d told you he loved you as he dropped you at your door, insistent on walking you even though you lived in the same building, and as soon as he’d left, your phone lit up with a message from him saying goodnight and reminding you he loved you once more.

You began to question what his love meant, fear creeping into your skin as you debated whether his declarations of love were starting to mean something more to him.

Time won’t fly, it’s like I’m paralyzed by it

I’d like to be my old self again but I’m still trying to find it

After plaid shirt days and nights when you made me your own

Now you mail back my things and I walk home alone

(2 months post…)

You were packing up the last of your things, glancing around at the stark, bare room in shock. This had been your home for so long and now it was time to go. Of course, you couldn’t stay anymore when it meant being around him, but you didn’t want to leave your home and your family just because of him. Nat had been insistent that you two needed to move out together, calling your apartment the ‘Widow’s Web’ in an attempt to get your more excited, but you were grieving. The loss of your friend, and the loss of your home.

You were putting the last of your clothes in a box when you pulled out a dark blue plaid shirt, instantly recognizing it as one of his. Your chest caved, remembering how many nights you spent wrapped up in it, the smell of him relaxing you into a deep sleep devoid of your own nightmares. Now, you had to find your own ways to cope, now with your normal nightmares and the ones he’d induced.

You folded it up, placing it on top of the empty dresser as Wanda poked her head in the open door.

“Hiya (Y/N)! Wow, it’s really happening. It’s so strange to think we won’t be neighbours in the tower anymore.”

She put some things down on the stripped bed, hugging you hard, fighting back her own tears.

“I’m so sorry you felt you had to leave to find yourself again lovely.”

You pulled away, nodding for fear that you’d begin crying if you opened your mouth. You noticed the pile of things she’d placed on the bed, your throat closing up.

“Oh, yeah. Steve gave me these to give to you. I wouldn’t of given in if it had been stupid stuff, but I noticed it was all yours and I thought you’d want it back before you left.”

“Thank you Wanda.” You slowly grabbed everything off the bed, handling it as if it were poison, and dropped it into the last box, not caring that it was meant for clothes. You wanted it all out of your sight unless you wanted to spend another hour crying your eyes out.

Wanda pulled you into another hug, your body paralyzed as your mind was lost to thoughts of Steve, and what had happened over the last year - almost a year. You hadn’t even gotten through a year of true friendship before he’d disappeared from your life. No rhyme or reason except being too busy. Even that excuse had faded into nothingness. Silence was what your friendship with him was now. Just devoid of everything except the deafening silence.

But you keep my old scarf from that very first week

‘Cause it reminds you of innocence and it smells like me

You can’t get rid of it ‘cause you remember it all too well, yeah

You had noticed in the months since Steve froze you out, the only thing you hadn’t found was your scarf. You thought maybe he had kept it, wanting a piece of you with him as if he still cared. But anyone who cared about anyone wouldn’t do what he did, so he’d have no sentimental reason to keep the scarf.

You guessed you’d misplaced it sometime, putting the absurd idea that Steve might care for you out of your head.

‘Cause there we are again when I loved you so

Back before you lost the one real thing you’ve ever known

It was rare, I was there, I remember it all too well

It had been six months since you’d left the avengers tower, and your dreams were still haunted by his beautiful face, the way he’d throw his head back whenever he laughed, and the way he’d hold you close - always wanting to be touching your skin, hugging you with his hands on your waist, kissing you on your cheeks or temple. You thought back to the countless times he’d said he loved you, sometimes for no reason at all.

You knew you would’ve gone to war for him if he’d asked. Your love for him would’ve defied anything, because you trusted in him that he would be true to his words and actions, and that he treasured you just as much as you treasured him.

He had always said that he rarely felt true attachments, scared for them to leave or something to happen to them, and yet he was unable to imagine being without you. He’d told you over and over that you were one of the most important people in his life, one of the few he loved and one of the only people he ever told he loved. He felt what you had together was rare, and that he wanted to have you in his life forever.

You realized you two had different definitions of what forever meant.

Wind in my hair, you were there, you remember it all

Down the stairs, you were there, you remember it all

It was rare, I was there, I remember it all too well

You had made it through an entire year without Steve in your life, experiencing moments of joy and triumph that were only yours, not poisoned by his presence, You had been on your way home when you saw the photo. It brought back memories you had tried to bury, not wanting to relive his words and touches, his glances and kisses, not wanting to remember the way he said he loved you, and forever. It was rare he said, but evidently not so rare that it was priceless.

You remembered it all too well.

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