#giant!itachi

[kayla-crazy-stuffs]

I Won't Let You Die (ShiIta)

Finally wrote something again wooo, so here I come with Naruto Shippuden content :)

Enjoy :]

TW: Safe/Soft Vore, kinda unwilling prey, attemted suicide, talk about eyes being taken out

Shisui was saved by Itachi just in time, being taken away from the anbus led by Danzo, who had stolen his right eye.

“Itachi… I thought you were… on a mission…” he said.exhausted, while looking at Itachi. “I felt like something was wrong so… I decided to come back..” he responded, clearly worried about his friend.

“I'm glad…” Shisui said as he looked at him with a small, slight smile. “I'm sorry for the inconvenience…” Itachi only shook his head. “You need to rest Shisui-…” “I need to talk to you first, Itachi…” He interrupted, clearly implying that it was important.

Itachi nodded, understanding his friend. Shisui guided him to a cliff that ended in a river and turned to Itachi. "It seems that there will be no way to stop the clan's coup... Just when I was going to start the mission, Danzo stole my right eye so I can no longer use the Kotoamatsukami" he said.

“If the other villages find out about the Uchiha rebellion, they could invade us and it would be an all-out war… And that would have big consequences”...

He let out a small sigh before looking at Itachi. "Danzo didn't trust me to stop the coup so he will surely come for my left eye, that's why I will give it to you.." he continued as he took out his left eye and handed it to Itachi, who placed it in one of his crows.

“I can only trust you, my best friend. Protect our village and the name of the Uchiha..” “I have accepted it.. What will you do now…?” Itachi asked him, still a little worried. “Who knows if my death will change the situation a little… I have already left a note…”

Itachi's eyes widened in socks. “Wait, Shisui…-!” “Don't stop me Itachi…!” Shisui said, prepared to fall backwards, when in a second he felt slightly nauseous, falling to his knees before being picked up and held by hands larger than him.

“...Itachi...? Why…-?" "..I won't let you die Shisui..." Itachi interrupted before placing the ninja reduced to 4 inches into his mouth. He held him in for a few seconds before swallowing, feeling him go down his throat and into his stomach a few moments later.

Shisui let out a slight sigh as he settled into the warm, soft spot, leaning against one of the stomach walls. He didn't think Itachi would use that jutsu to prevent his death. He looked around trying to remember what his friend's stomach looked like, mostly because he couldn't see it since he didn't have the eyes to see, keeping his eyelids closed.

After a brief moment to make sure Shisui was alright, he quickly headed towards the Hokage, but not before picking up Shisui's note, since it would be pointless leaving it there if Shisui was going to survive. He explained the situation to the Third, who said that he would take action against Danzo and that they’ll regain Shisui's right eye.

After a few days they managed to recover Shisui's eye and transplanted both of his eyes back. With that resolved, Shisui was able to put his clan under the genjutsu they had planned to put on them to postpone the rebellion and be able to reach an agreement with them later.

//

The sky was clear and the breeze was blowing gently. Shisui let out a soft sigh as he looked at the sky, looking back when he heard someone approaching. “Hey, Itachi…” he said with a slight smile. The other Uchiha waved back and sat next to him.

"You know... You didn't have to go to the point of commit suicide, Shisui... Even if it was for our village and the clan..." he said softly without looking at his friend.

"I guess I was rushing into thinking that I couldn't get my right eye back and put our clan into genjutsu..." He paused for a moment and looked at Itachi sympathetically, knowing how he felt.

“...I'm sorry, Itachi…” This time he did look at Shisui, sighing slightly before giving a small smile. “Just promise me you won't do something like that again without considering other options, okay?”

Shisui gave a small laugh before smiling again. "Alright Itachi, I promise." He paused for a moment before looking at Itachi with a raised eyebrow.

“By the way, could you do the jutsu thing again? I couldn’t observe my surroundings well during that moment.” Itachi just laughed at the comment. “Okay, when would you like to?”

-------------------------------------------------------------

tag list

@local-squishmallow @brick-a-doodle-do

if anyone else wants to be tagged, ask me :]

[demon-blood-youths]

Into Hell: Oda's Dangerous Encounter Among The Cursed Ones || Closed RP

In the Akihabara ward, there is an arcade away from the busy crowd, and laughter is heard from the arcade. Hayato Itachi is drinking and eating skewers with his boys. His teammates Iku Takiyasha and Moudo Namazu are drinking at the counter.

Sitting in the middle is Yuria Niguredou who was taken against her will and is now spending time with them. Hayato is a bit bitter that he didn't get to beat the little demon hours ago but it's fine. He found some girls that could hang out with them. The girl, Yuria has her drink in her hands caught his attention. Yuria bit her lip and is now worried. However...the carefree laughter made her upset.

"Just you wait!" Yuria said. "You can laugh now but wait till my friends get here! You're going to be sorry!" She yelled angrily.

"Your friends? Like who? The raven-haired girl and that demon friend of yours! Both are gone and I bet they've run away. Well..Iku threw that demon away so far, she won't get up after a week!" Hayato laughed.

Yuria grits her teeth, "Don't talk about my friends like that! Because my friends at my school aren't the only ones you should be scared of but my teachers too."

Then Hayato laughs even harder.

"The hell?! What are those teachers going to do?! Throw a chalk at us?! They ain't going to do shit." Hayato slaps his thigh while his friends are with their girl companions laughing while Yuria growls. Iku sighs, shaking his head while Moudo continues drinking his bubble tea sheepishly.

"Dumbass...." Iku sighed "Good thing...that demon isn't part of that fraction from Shinseina Hogo or else we get our ass chewed out by Torahito." He said.

"Good thing it isn't, Iku, sir!" Moudo said. "But...that uniform...of hers. What school is she from" Moudo is worried.

"Eh. Just a school. Maybe she hasn't joined a fraction yet or maybe she's in a minor one." Iku shrugged, scrolling down his phone. "Who cares. We're just here for sightseeing."

The three demons of Oda are leisurely spending while at Jujutsu High....

----

Steps are ascending the stairs under the tori gates, they have reached the school. A shadowy creature carrying an unconscious petite girl in its arms is groaning softly, her eyes opening and closing a bit. As they reached the campus, there was already a commotion after Miko arrived.

@the-silver-peahen-residence from here

[soleberlandieri]

[every-orochimaru]

[yowyowyaoi]

Kisame: Itachi, you ready to go out for tea?

Itachi: In a bit. I just want to finish wrapping Deidara’s presents first.

Kisame: What? Itachi, you’re really getting that brat a present? 

Itachi: Of course. It’s for Christmas, after all.

Kisame: Itachi. Last year he got you that sweater that looked like it was argyle, but it turned out to be wool. After you’d told everyone in this house, including Dei, that you have a wool allergy. You tried it on and spent the entire night scratching and putting lotion on the rash. I don’t believe such … antics, warrant a present this year.

Itachi: I can see your point. But you know, Christmas is all about love, and caring, and forgiveness. Deidara’s been complaining about his back lately, so I got him some nice, firm, round pillows for his bed.

Kisame: *looks at them* Are … are those …

*the two pillows are both red, and printed in the middle are replicas of Itachi’s sharingan*

Kisame: There’s no way in hell he’s going to allow those anywhere near his bed!

Itachi: Oh? You mean he might “lose” them? Well, I thought of that … *goes to his closet; it’s piled floor to ceiling with sharingan pillows*

Itachi: When he “loses” them, I’ll be more than happy to go in and replace them while he sleeps. Even if he has all the lights off, it’ll be easy: the pillows glow in the dark.

Kisame: Itachi. That is positively evil.

Kisame: *kisses the top of Itachi’s head* I’ve never loved you more than I do right now.

[depressedhatakekakashi]

Me: *tries to talk about the ways the Shinobi system has changed and bettered*

Some random person: Urge but these things didn’t change and even though we know why they didn’t change (even though the reason’s are 100% bs i agree) it means NOTHING CHANGED EVEN THOUGH WE SEE CHANGES HAVE BEEN MADE WAYS THAT THEY COULD BE DONE WITHOUT CREATING PLOT HOLES AND TAKING AWAY THE NEW GEN STORY FROM KIDS

[kyugens]

@sociieties  –  moon.

It's the way that light trespasses the leaf mess at the entrance from a different angle that gives it away – he's slept through at least another couple of centuries. The faint smell of blood in the air is always the same – he'd laugh if fully conscious. Although upon second thought, it was a little stronger, so much he could taste the iron laying thick in the back of his tongue every time he inhaled more deeply – another war, it seemed. Nevertheless, the likelihood of a senseless human conflict had never woken Itachi before, no– Something   ( someone? )   had entendered his domain, and its celestial energy was substantial enough to have prodded him out of his slumber. Itachi wailed loudly, the waves reverberating throughout his entire body and ruffled every feather covering it, only exhaling then, finally peeking his beak and then his head outside. It was mildly colder than he'd have liked. Chirping at the sight of such a strange creature so close to his nest, the ancient Sannin crawled the rest of his figure out – unworried about whether he'd startle his company or not. He towered over the pale being, and for no reason other than curiosity, Itachi all but envelops himself around the stranger – aligning his face with theirs. “ — Are you astray... young man? ”  The raven asks, although his beak hasn't opened, and he takes a moment to inspect the other – it was no more a boy than he was, although it wasn't a beast either. Something felt familiar, yet he couldn't say what.  “ — Who... Are you? ”

kinda plotted starter.

[ramblebramblefun]

Itachi considered the carrot gravely. It was, he judged, about the length and thickness of an adult man's forearm.

He recalled the enormous cabbage that Eri-sempai had been in the process of massacring on the coffee table when Wolf-taichou dumped him in the living room.

Friends got each other... gifts, correct? And he and Eri-sempai were friends now. Wolf-taichou was quite insistent.

Eri-sempai clearly had a preference for over-sized produce, so an unusually large carrot would be a good gift that was not weapons. Eri-sempai had plenty of weapons. Mostly knives.

Hm.

You could eat carrots.

Sustenance was a useful thing for a carrot to be. Therefore an extremely large carrot would be a practical gift as well as well-suited to Eri-sempai's preferences. Itachi liked practical gifts, even if he did not like carrots.

He nodded to himself. Yes, this was perfect.

[twomiddlefingersforthehaters]

In VOTE 1, Instead of ramming his Chidori directly through Naruto's chest, we saw Sasuke clench his fists and punch him at the last second. He dared himself to reject or eliminate the feelings within his heart, but he couldn't go through the process of eliminating them.

That's why we could see their pain on the brink of separation clearly evident in their eyes even in their monstrous form inside the white giant rainbow ball [idk what it's called]. Kishi always uses the symbolism of the eyes with Naruto and Sasuke because if they try to hide their emotions their eyes will speak. Eyes are depicted as the powerful conveyors of emotions.

Sasuke felt pain in his arms and fell to his knees coughed up blood. After that we see... Sasuke's face over Naruto. There was no way for come face to face with Naruto after the cough... But he deliberately leaned his face towards Naruto. Raindrops fall from his face onto Naruto. It was his connection with Naruto that brought him close to his face for the last time before he left. His face shows his emotional pain, sadness and numbness because he doesn't want to be separated from him, he doesn't want to hurt him, he can't bear the pain of leaving his precious person. He hurts him so much during their battle and that it hurts him too. But he had to go, so he painfully saying his good bye to him for one last time by hovering over his face into naruto's.

He looked very depressed as he walked into the forest in the heavy rain.

He recollects his memories of his parents and Itachi. His hard work earned him the attention of his father. He finally got the acknowledgement from his father that he desired. His mother's comforting words when he was sad. But he didn't get a chance to ask his mother what his father had said about him. His beloved brother, who was always with him, betrayed him.

He recalls memories of "that day" when his parents lifeless bodies were found. The last part of his memories were his brother's words about killing his closest friend to gain Mangekyo Sharingan.

Sasuke turned his head in Naruto's direction as Naruto's eyes opened.... As if he could sense Naruto was awake.

After looking back in the direction Naruto was in, he closed his eyes in the pouring rain and recalled what his brother had said again. In a serious way, Sasuke says: "I will not do as you told/want me to". His serious expression was towards his brother who had challenged him. "I am not you, I will not kill my precious person for power like you", was his response to it. While Sasuke was saying this… it was raining non-stop.

But the rain stopped when he said, "I will gain power in my own way! I will surpass you in my own way! " We know how much Sasuke suffered every time the cursed seal was activated, and even when he felt so much pain from that... he chose that pain to avoid the pain of losing Naruto because it leaves a whole in his heart, an ache in his soul and that nothing can replace or nothing can make him feel better or heal. He doesn't care what happens to him as long as he gets the power for his revenge, but he doesn't want to hurt Naruto. So he chose that painful path. When he says "without fail" he disappears completely into the darkness, which shows that he is walking into the darkness knowingly and willingly.

And the black and white panels of Naruto & Sasuke...showing darkness and light.

[waffliesinyoface]

Akatsuki Ranked: which is the worst to just have randomly show up on your doorstep

As in, you may or may not be someone they are looking for, but this is worse than running into them in public because they are at your house and paying attention to you.

Itachi: He is. Well. He claims to be a pacifist, he's just bad at it. If he's there to kill you it will be quick and painless. If he is there to kidnap you you'll just get genjutsu'd. If he's there because he like. Needs to borrow your phone, or a cup of milk or something, he will be polite-ish. You could do worse. It will probably be uncomfortable because he is a tremendously awkward individual, but not that bad. He might even make you forget he was even there. How nice and definitely not slightly horrifying.

Kisame: as a large blue shark man with a giant sword he is very upsetting to come across unexpectedly. You... really don't want him to be there for you, specifically. His gameplan for preventing naruto escaping was "what if we cut off his legs". He's probably fine if he just needs a favor and you happened to be the closest person!

Konan: if Konan has personally come to your door it is because she is here to collect you, and disagreeing is really not an option. She's too important to need a favor from a random civilian so she MUST be here for you. If she was here to kill you she wouldn't have knocked. Presumably, the fact that she came herself and didn't delegate is because she wanted you alive. Come quietly and you might not die horribly. Hopefully.

Deidara: the best version of deidara to have show up on your doorstep is one that is missing both arms and dripping blood all over the carpet. It is perhaps the one version of Deidara who won't cause you to die in an explosion, and he needs you alive to dial the phone for him. The bad news is that he might call someone ELSE to come pick him up, and then just flop down on your couch, getting blood on that, too. And then you have to deal with whoever he called.

Pein: You open the door. There is an terrifying corpse with bright purple eyes staring at you unblinkingly. You hear a sound behind you of the back door, or perhaps several windows breaking. If you could manage to turn around you would see several other very similar corpses. This is all horribly dramatic, you think. No matter what he's there for, it is not going to be good.

Sasori: Him showing up with the goal of capturing or killing you is, uh, bad. Very painful death, and you'll probably be turned into a puppet. Or spare parts. If he's just there for a favor from a random civilian, he might just hit you with a paralyzing poison and take whatever he needs without asking. You know. If he's feeling nice. There is a non zero chance he might just puppetize you anyways, if you look interesting enough. There's a small chance he might hit you with a sleeper agent seal and that is one of the better outcomes.

Obito: He's not going to kill you. But he will do his level best to make you have a mental breakdown. He will raid your fridge. He will "accidentally" break things. He might "accidentally" set himself on fire and then flail around and break more things. If he is kidnapping you he will not drop the act the entire time, and it will be awful, because despite the fact that he acts like an immature idiot child, he is terrifyingly skilled, and there is no way of escaping, even though it really seems like there should be.

Kakuzu: he's not going to knock, he is simply going to break the door. One of the most likely to show up specifically to kill you, because someone else paid him to do it. If he isn't, he will still just blatantly take things that he wants/look valuable and you will be helpless to stop him, because he is a man composed of solid muscle and slightly less solid tentacles.

Hidan: Repent, sinner, for you shall know the name of the god of suffering. (You will die. Badly.)

Zetsu: He doesn't really have any needs, and he doesn't get sent on regular missions, so if he's there... yeah, he'll just show up through the floor and eat you. Why are you like this, Zetsu.

[mixelation]

I’m curious though. Who did they end up deciding had the most MC energy?? I’m sooo intrigued by their thought processes for deciding this

i'm not sure because i'm not even sure what characters are involved but i think the general shape of it would be

kakashi thinks minato has the strongest MC energies (if jiraiya is there, he would also back this up). orphan turned war hero hello???

however minato views himself as the romantic lead in kushina's story. she's an orphan from a dead clan living in a foreign village, harboring a giant chakra monster for them (he cannot say this part out loud). obviously she's the main character?

everyone on team 4 thinks they're the main character

shisui: itachi-- tori: itachi isn't a main character. he's sasuke's origin story itachi: itachi: i have no counterargument to this

tori is stewing in the fact that's she's LITERALLY an isekai character but she can't say anything about that

no one thinks shisui is a MC

tori gives a speech about how being an orphan is the TRUE mark of a MC. minato and kushina aged out by having a kid. however, tori grew up an orphan with a checkered, complex past that will make you cry--

kushina: okay but you are ALSO describing deidara tori: DEIDARA HAS PARENTS shisui: wait deidara has a family? kushina: yeah, he ran away and became a wandering-nin because art was more important to him than being sold to iwa jiraiya: narratively, i think this is more interesting-- tori: HE'S NOT EVEN HERE kakashi: tbh your past sounds more disturbing than compelling, tori

tori is deemed a minor antagonist

[soleberlandieri]

[every-orochimaru]

[herzspalter]

EDIT: Now with some pics

German Dub Naruto things I remember from the top of my head from my teenage years:

The giant Shuriken that Iruka shields Naruto from isn't there, Iruka just kinda hovers over him perfectly fine and is sad and they both cry.

Haku doesn't die, they edit out his corpse and Sakura says "he just disappeared"

Kakashi just kinda tapped his palm on Haku's chest like they're playing tag and I guess Haku was so embarrassed that he skipped town

They got so censor-mad that they sometimes edited out Naruto's whiskers cuz they thought they were scratches

The Sasunaru kiss isn't onscreen (I think they do that in the American version too) (Edit: I have just learned that the kiss is in the US version, so Germany fucked this one up too)

The Uchiha clan doesn't get killed, they're all taken prisoner and kidnapped, and Sasuke never bothers to look for them.

Sasuuke Uschiha

I think they removed the blood from Naruto's cheek and Anko just kinda randomly licks his face

"Eternal sleep"

The condition to get the Mangekyou Sharingan is not "kill your best friend", but "betray your best friend". In the original, at the end of the first part, Sasuke ends up betraying all his friends, including Naruto who is the most important person to him, but refuses to kill him, not meeting the conditions for the Mangekyou Sharingan and therefore not getting it. But in the German version, he does meet the condition, because it was just betray your best friend, which he does, and he still doesn't get the Mangekyou, implying that Itachi scammed him.

The worst anime opening in existence

[or0ch1maru]

Valentines Day with the Akatsuki<3

18+, suggestive themes

•

Kakuzu:

Hates spending money, but will go broke simply on buying your gifts and taking you places during the day.

Will literally spoil you rotten. You’ll wake up to chocolates and other assorted gifts on the empty side of bed where he usually sleeps.

After a long day full of fun, just know this grouchy giant will D you down for the rest of the night. If you’re not wobbling by the end of it, it’ll be round after round until you can’t even remember your own name.

Hidan:

This man shows his love best through physical touch and sex so don’t be surprised when you’re woken up by his tongue between your folds.

In between all the sex he plans on having with you on this special day, he’ll make you breakfast in bed, and then take you out for a shopping spree in the nearby village.

If you try on clothes in a shop, just know you’ll barely make it outside to the alleyway behind the plaza, your shorts pulled down as he stuffs you full.

Itachi:

Sweet boy. Will have one of the members keep you busy for the first half of the day so he can decorate your shared room. Rose petals, balloons, candles, the whole works.

All the gifts he bought will be lined up on the bed in pretty red and pink bags with matching gift paper. A long and heart felt message written on the inside of a card will be placed neatly in front of one of the gifts.

To end the day, he’ll either cook you your favorite meal or take you out to your favorite restaurant to enjoy a nice meal.

Kisame:

Didn’t really understand the point of the holiday as he feels that everyday should be spent cherishing and loving your partner. Not just on a specific day.

So after speaking with Konan, he ran into town and bought the biggest bouquet of your favorite flowers, a case of chocolate, and a few other things that you’d pointed out to him prior.

The rest of the day would be spent wrapped in each others arms, watching movies and getting wine drunk while eating a hot, homemade dinner.

Deidara:

He’s so infatuated with you that he’d spend two weeks prior to v-day hand crafting pendants for jewelry and other little handmade gifts to give you.

Not only will your presents be hand made, so will your card. His somewhat sloppy script will cover the card front to back, explaining how much he loves you and how he wants to spend eternity by your side.

Deidara would order your favorite take out and take you on a picnic in a nearby flower field. Where when the night comes and the sky turns dark, he would send up some of his clay creations, lighting up the sky in pretty fireworks and explosions.

Sasori:

Just like Kisame, Sasori didn’t really get the whole craze about some dumb holiday. But, he wanted to spoil you nonetheless. So he told you to get dressed, which you gladly obliged.

The two of you visited a village nearby and had brunch before going to the theatre to watch a movie. After the film, he took you to your favorite shops, paying for anything and everything.

Sasori wouldn’t let you go the whole time, his hand wrapped securely around yours as you walked about. Planting soft smooches on your face as you enjoyed the day together.

Tobi:

For days before Valentine’s, he’d be so anxious, but in a good way of course. He had planned the whole day out weeks ago. Starting off by bringing you your favorite coffee and sweets for breakfast.

Repeating the same for lunch. It was after that, that he had you get all dolled up. Taking you into town for a museum date.

Good boy Tobi would finish the day with your favorite food, before stripping you of both your clothes. Buried deep in your cunt, as he whines and mutters about how much he loves you.

Zetsu:

Flowers. Everywhere. And I mean everywhere. He loves plants, and knows people gift their partners roses and such on this special day so what does he do? Buys a few different flower bouquets that end up littering your shared room. Bedside table? Yep. Bathroom counter? Best believe it.

Zetsu loves pampering you. He’d paint your nails to match his bright pink color. Sitting behind you as he brushes your hair. Applying your makeup for you if you wear any.

The two of you would take a long walk, enjoying the peace and crunch of the gravel under your shoes as you walk. Would find a nice place to sit near the water as you talked and shared a meal together.

Konan:

Just like Tobi, she’d have everything ready and prepared days ahead. Dinner reservations? Check. Nail salon date? Check. Making sure the book shop has that book you’ve been wanting in stock? Check.

After lunch in the village, it’s time for your nail appointment. The two of you sitting side by side as the nail techs paint and work on your nails. After paying, it’s time for the next stop. Konan would watch with a smile on her face when you pick up the book you wanted. Knowing she made sure the staff kept a copy specifically for you.

Konan would have rented out a private booth in your favorite restaurant. Keeping the entire area empty so you two would have your much loved privacy. Once the two of you have ordered your drinks is when she’d give you a heartfelt speech before dropping to her knee with a ring. Planting a deep kiss on your lips when you say yes.

Pain:

Would clear his schedule and make this a week long affair. Each day, you’d wake up to a new present or date planned. One day shopping, the next day, a movie. And so on.

On Valentine’s Day, he’d wake you up with soft kisses along your jawline before spending the whole day in bed. Watching your favorite movies and eating snacks. The room full of your shared laughter or screams if you watch horror movies.

Just like Tobi, he’d end the day covering your body in bite marks and hickeys. He’d take his time on you too, drawing out every orgasm, pulling moans and whimpers outta you into the early hours of the night.

•

Happy Valentine’s Day bbys🫶🏻 if no one’s told you today, you’re beautiful and I love you. Thank you for your continuous support for my writing. Here is a bouquet 💐 from me to you

[tozettastone]

I'm casting an AU where the Akatsuki work in an office together.

Nagato and Konan comprise 51% ownership together. Nagato is CEO, Konan's COO so you know who does most of the work. They're not actually married but everyone thinks they are. They just trauma bonded after the tragic loss of the guy they were both dating. Konan talked him out of naming himself 'PAIN' but he does have a giant tattoo about it.

Kakuzu is the director of corporate affairs. He's a control freak about it.

Deidara and Sasori are the two man marketing department. Deidara doesn't believe in strategic vision; Sasori loses his mind when he has to alter his plans. It's going... not great. Together they are absolutely amazing at crisis management though. And Deidara loves crisis management.

Itachi is the head of legal. He used his family's money to get the fanciest law degree on the planet but had a falling out with them after his entry to the bar about the allegedly unethical source of their wealth. He still works for Akatsuki, which isn't exactly a nonprofit.

Kisame is Itachi's common law partner who is a... private contractor, who is employed on an ad-hoc basis by Akatsuki for specific professional services. He mostly takes gym selfies and sends them to Itachi to get him through each bonkers day. But some days, he charges tens of thousands to go to work for 3 hours. He's good at his job.

Orochimaru used to be the head of R&D but now he's left the company and has embroiled them in a litigious tangle about intellectual property in the commercialisation of his research. Itachi's predecessor was ousted ("ousted") over the hole in his contract, and now they're trying really hard to patch it up. It's not going great.

Hidan is the receptionist. If you canvas businesses to try to sell to them, or if you show up without an appointment, Hidan is there to take very, very good care of you. He's also carrying on with Kakuzu ("boyfriend," would be pushing it) but it's not really affecting his enthusiasm for his work.

Obito/Tobi: intern and general dogsbody, but he's also a 9% shareholder. He does not really need to work here. He's choosing this.

Zetsu shows up once a week to water the office plants. They're mostly lilies.

What, you might ask, does this company actually do? Well. Akatsuki has... a variety of interests. Waste management. Wealth management. Risk mitigation. You know. This and that.