#girl ive always been

[cherrylippedkisses]

the bolter is for the girl ive always been, taylor swift debut, looking for alaska, marianne sheridan girls

[diaryofanirlprincess]

I have panic rooms inside my head 𖹭

[thekiltongrammarwriter]

OMG YOUR PIP FICTS GIVE ME LIFE….😭😭 A big Andie Bell fan here, saw your Andie series and wanted to know if we could get a sneak peek? Andie Bell mean girls vibes? 🤭 🫶🫶🫶😩

Why hello!! Thank you for the kind compliment love! I love your profile fic! Em with the baby goats what more could you want? 🤣 Andie needs a lot of love and I just happen to be writing something about Andie a few days ago. It’s far from being finished, it’s more about how deep friendship can turn into love? But with Andie being her Complex and narcissistic self? Hope you enjoy it love. Thoughts are welcome. It’s an early draft so it might be edited to be something later on. 🫶 (it’s fairly horny…a lot of people know my thoughts about my girl Andie) it’s Also a hurt/comfort fic so it’s suppose to feel like as sucker punch. Pt 2 to my Andie fic

"Oh my gosh Andie are these the brand new shoes you got from Harrods??" Chloe's shriek is enough to send a high pitch ring through your ears, you shriek back, holding a single finger to the damage cartilage. You sighed as you made your way down the familiar steps of the Bell household, knowing that it would be empty. The bell house was always empty these days, Mrs Bell was off doing her motherly duties and Mr Bell was off to god knows where, which you were more than thankful for. You had never quite gotten over the prickly sick feeling that would weld in your gut when you would eye Jason bell. Watch his gray blue eyes and his calm eerie demeanor that made you want to take Andie by the hand and drag her out of the hell hole.

You also never quite forgot that day in the sycamore tree. Just you and Andie, the day where Andie had held your hand so tightly you thought it would break. Had held it tight and hadn't ever let go. She had told you things about her family, secrets that you would carry to the grave. You knew about Jason and his frequent affairs, knew that Dawn Bell was a woman with a painted smile, knew that Becca Bell harbored such disdain for her father it often portrayed itself in harmful acts but perhaps the most powerful impact had been Andie.

Things had changed since that day on the sycamore tree. First of all you both were no longer eight years old, gone was the soft Andie bell you had known, and in her place was a tempest, a storm. Cruel words dripped from her lips like acid rain, and you wondered how the same heart that once held yours so gently could now wield a blade. Andie was just as cold and quick to bite, she was a narcissist, in every word. You knew that even back when you had first met her, but that hadn't mattered to you. Not then.But now you weren't so sure.

"Are we boring you y/n? You look like you've seen a ghost! Got a lot on your mind?" Chloe's voice broke into your head. Instinctively your eyes caught sight of the girl, you knew the feeling of being eyed by Andie bell all to well . Like a seat in the back of your neck. She was sitting at her vanity, lips neatly covered in crimson lipstick, but her eyes were on you.

Watching you with those analytical eyes that still made your heart pound and your stomach clench. You scoffed, a fake laugh. "No... no your not boring me Chloe. It's just um-" you wet your lips, looking everywhere but Andie. You eyed your watch, taking notice of the fact that Andie had done this on purpose. Ever since you both entered year 10 and you had tried out for the school's drama team and had met a certain blonde hair by the name of Nat De Silva Andie was always finding some unique way to sabotage it.

You don't know how it started, this hold that Andie had on you. That was a lie you told yourself, you knew just when it had happened. That day on the sycamore tree, when Andie had cried real tears, and you saw the real broken little girl hiding under that tough little pufferfish act she had put on for others. As the years went on you stayed by Andie’s side, stayed through the soft subtle changes. When Andie hit thirteen she was no longer the girl who climbed sycamore's. She traded in her trainers for heels, her laughter for a cool indifference. The sycamore tree became off-limits, and you watched from afar as she became a stranger. She cared about her looks, would buy makeup and cute little outfits that made your head spin. She'd snap and say things to Chloe and Emma, things that made your stomach coil in rage.

"Why don't you just shut up Chloe?? No one wants to hear about your pathetic family life!"

"Oh em, when will you learn that you won't ever look like me?"

Or the one that made your ears burn red.

"God Chloe what's wrong with you?? Besides the obvious surface flaws?" You remember that day, watching Andie spit out the words in the canteen. She looked different, angry, her eyes held no warmth in them, devoid of the frost blue color you had grown to love. Yet when it came to you it was like Andie flipped a switch. She was never rude to you, never shot you down or made you cry like the others. Perhaps it was because of the bond you shared. But she was quick to eye anyone who got near you, Andie bell had a jealous streak and when it came to you it was hard to contain.

So when Nat de Silva had taken you aside after drama it had taken not even a minute before Andie was by your side, blue clever conniving eyes eying Nat, like a predator eying prey. "Who was that? That girl you were just taking too? She seemed keen on you, a bit to touchy for my liking".

You had creases your eyes and eyed Andie. "Just a new friend. Met her in drama. No need to get all upset".

"I am not upset I was just wondering who was taking up all your time. Let's go, the girls are waiting" she had taken you by your shoulders.

Andie told you she disliked Nat because she was stealing the attention, her attention, Andie hated how everyone seemed to gravitate to her, but you also knew it was because Nat de Silva was fond of you. And perhaps you were too.

You had told Andie you needed to be back at the school for a read through and Andie had assured you with a soft charming smile and eager eyes that she would get you back. You had believed her, but now as you eyed your watch you knew she had done it on purpose. Some sick way of getting back at Nat. It made your stomach sick with the thought, but what made it worse was the soft subtle smile that Andie sent your way. And you dreaded how even though you felt anger you couldn't help but feel the pricking hot heat that swirled at in your gut at Andie's smile.

Because it was hot. It shouldn't have been. It made your body warm and would cause dreams at night, would make you stifle soft moans into your bed sheets as you thought of Andie and her blue eyes, tongue dripping in your panties. Andie knew you fancied her, knew it the day you both had kissed for “fun" at thirteen and you didn't talk for days.

had been the one to laugh and say it didn't mean anything. But it did. You knew it did for her too. Even though she would never say it, it was in her eyes. The way she would step in front of you when a boy was near, would drape her arms over you and eye any boy with a glare so deadly you would shriek back too.

"I've got to be somewhere. I'm running late and I'm worried I won't make it on time" you mumble out, fishing your keys out of your pocket, your halfway to the door when Andie's voice springs into the air, soft and sweet and you hate how your body reacts. Halts like she's your master, your puppateer.

Perhaps she is.

"You'll be back right for the sleepover won't you y/ n??".

You hate how quickly you answer, your mouth having a brain if it's own.

"I don't know...l might-" Andie cuts you off, her voice sickly sick. It drops into your veins like acid honey.

"I was thinking of having the girls bring some sleeping bags, but I remember you mentioning you didn't have one. You wouldn't mind sharing my bed would you? I promise I won't bite".

You feel the air get sucked out of your lungs at the prospect of sharing Andie bell's bed. And the fact that no other girl had been given the opportunity.

Andie's smirk was wide, her eyes eying you, you pretended not to notice the sly eye fuck she gave you, blue grey's zeroing in on your skirt. You eyed the floor, "I'll see you when I see you Andie. Enjoy the rest of the sleep over girls". You didn't miss the way Andie's eyes darkened.

[do-you-miss-us]

just saw a girl rank guts (spilled) and put girl i’ve always been in last place???????

[patexnovasblog]

Song of the day

The Girl I've always been - Olivia

Aka Olivia's most iconic song

[dumplingme]

Hear me out: Sabrina Carpenter and Olivia Rodrigo are like the Beatles and the Rolling Stones of our times (im jk)

[mermaidinthecity]

Ready? Are you ready? Yeah, I'm gonna scare you again. Don't scare me again. A-five, a-six, five, six, seven, eight. Baby doll, you have changed, that's the thing you always say. Cursing me, trash my name. I rained all over your parade. Now you're on my couch, you're fighting tears. You say I'm cruel beyond my years. And as I'm walking out that door, say you don't know me anymore. Well, I have captors I call friends. I got panic rooms inside my head. And I get down with crooked men, but I am the girl I've always been. I got wrapped up in the game again and you woke up in an empty bed. And I can't say I'm a perfect ten, but I am the girl I've always been.

Girl I've Always Been by Olivia Rodrigo

[dontyoufinditstrange]

Guts (Spilled) Lyrics That Alter My Brain Chemistry

all-american bitch:

"i pay attention to things that most people ignore" "i am built like a mother and a total machine" "i feel for your every little issue i know just what you mean" "i make light of the darkness, i've got sun in my motherfucking pocket" "i know my age and i act like it" "i don't get angry when i'm pissed, i'm the eternal optimist" "i scream inside to deal with it"

bad idea right?:

"i know we're done, i know we're through, but god, when i look at you" "fuck it, its fine" "i only see him as a friend, the biggest lie i ever said" "i know i should stop, but i can't" "i'm sure i've seen much hotter men, but i really can't remember when"

vampire:

"how's the castle built off people you pretend to care about?" "i loved you truly, gotta laugh at the stupidity" "i used to think i was smart, but you made me look so naive" "bleed me dry like a goddamn vampire" "you're so convincing, how do you lie without flinching?" "what a mesmerizing, paralyzing, fucked up little thrill, can't figure out just how you do it and god knows i never will" "you can't love anyone cause that would mean you had a heart" "i tried to help you out, now i know that i can't, cause how you think's the kind of thing i'll never understand"

lacy:

"did i ever tell you that i'm not doing well?" "it takes over my life, i see you everywhere, the sweetest torture one could bear" "i'm losing it lately" "i feel your compliments like bullets on skin" "like ribbons in your hair my stomach's all in knots, you've got the one thing that i want" "try to rationalize people are people but its like you're made of angel dust" "you poison every little thing that i do" "i just loathe you lately" "i despise my jealous eyes and how hard they fell for you" "i despise my rotten mind and how much it worships you"

ballad of a homeschooled girl:

"feels like my skin doesn't fit right over my bones" "i made it weird, i made it worse" "each time i step outside, its social suicide" "everything i do is tragic"

making the bed:

"another thing i ruined i used to do for fun" "another perfect moment that doesn't feel like mine" "another thing i forced to be a sign" "sometimes i feel like i don't wanna be where i am" "i'm so tired of being the girl that i am" "i'm playing the victim so well in my head" "i tell someone i love them, just as a distraction" "they're changing my machinery and i just let it happen" "i got the things i wanted, its just not what i imagined"

logical:

"i'd put myself though hell for you" "i fell for you like water falls from the february sky" "cause id rain don't pour and sun don't shine, then changing you is possible" "you lied, you lied, you lied" "i know i'm half responsible and that makes me feel horrible" "i know i could've stopped it all, god why didn't i stop it all?"

get him back!:

"do i love him, do i hate him? i guess its up and down" "i wanna get him back, i wanna make him really jealous, wanna make him feel bad" "cause then again i really miss him and it makes me real sad" "i want sweet revenge and i want him again" "when i told him how he hurt me, he told me i was trippin" "i wanna meet his mom just to tell her her son sucks"

love is embarrassing:

"now it doesn't mean a thing god love's fucking embarrassing" "just watch as i crucify myself for some weird second string loser who's not worth mentioning" "my god how could i be so stupid?"

the grudge:

"took everything i loved and crushed it in between your fingers" "my undying love, now i hold you like a grudge" "and i hear your voice every time i think i'm not enough" "i try to be tough, but i wanna scream" "i say i don't care, i say that i'm fine, but you know i can't let it go i've tried, i've tried, i've tried, for so long" "it takes strength to forgive but i don't feel strong" "i fantasize about a time you're a little fucking sorry" "i try to understand why you would do this all to me, you must be insecure, you must be so unhappy" "i know in my heart, hurt people hurt people, and we both drew blood but man those cuts were never equal" "i try to be tough, i try to be mean, but eve after all this you're still everything to me"

pretty isn't pretty:

"there's always something in the mirror that i think looks wrong" "when pretty isn't pretty enough, what do you do?" "i try to ignore it, but its everything i see. its in the poster on the wall, its in the shitty magazines, its in my phone, its in my head, its in the boys i bring to bed, its all around, its all the time, i don't know why i even try"

teenage dream:

"got your whole life ahead of you, you're only nineteen" "but i fear they already got all the best parts of me" "they all say that it gets better, it gets better, but what if i don't?"

obsessed:

"i'm starin at her like i wanna get hurt" "i can't help it, i got issues, i can't help it" "oh god she makes me so upset"

girl i've always been:

"i have captors i call friends" "i got panic rooms inside my head" "i get down with crooked men" "but i am the girl i've always been" "you say i'm cruel beyond my years" "i got wrapped up in the game again"

scared of my guitar:

"so why's there a pit in my gut in the shape of you?" "maybe i'm just overwhelmed, maybe i'm confused" "once you let the thought in then its already done" "so i'll lay in your arms and pretend its love" "i make excuses, my friends know the truth is i'm not as alright as i claim. i say that i'm fine, i tell them all the time as they watch all the light fade away" "what if i never find anything better?"

stranger:

"i was half myself without you, now i feel so complete" "i can't even remember what made me lose all that sleep" "you're just a stranger i know everything about" "you know i'll always think of you, i'll love you til the end of time, you are the best thing i'll ever keep so far out of my life" "there's nothing left for me to sing, i screamed, i cried, i did the whole thing, and i loved you mad but it doesn't matter anymore" "and if i'm not enough for you, you're not enough for me"

so american:

"he's like a poem i wish i wrote" "oh god its just not fair of him to make me feel this much" "i'm gonna marry him if he keeps this shit up"

[yuurionviktor]

Gonna finish Gideon one soon, but for now you can have this Harrow

[s0fter-sin]

i need ghoap frantically making out against a door finally taking the leap on their feelings. need ghost grinding against soap, expecting to find him just as hard as him, only to feel nothing

and in all his wisdom and experience, he concludes soap was tortured and never told him

he’s trying to think of a delicate way to say he understands, that he’s been through it and it doesn’t change anything about how he feels (and who the fuck touched him so he can hunt them down and rend them limb from limb)

meanwhile trans!soap’s just trying to find the best angle to grind his cunt on ghost’s thigh

just it never even entering ghost’s head bc he’s never known a trans person but he has met plenty of people who’ve been tortured - himself included - so of course that’s his logical leap

soap takes off his shirt and he sees his top surgery scars and ghost asks if he wants him to kill the one who did it and soap just hums like, “actually, man did pretty good, they healed real well,” and ghost’s just teary-eyes with awe at how well he’s coping, “looking on the bright side, that’s my johnny.”

imagine he thinks johnny was fully castrated but sees he’s determined to still have a sex life with him so he buys packers and straps to help him bc hell yeah healing and soap’s just like, “holy shit i’ve never had such a thoughtful partner before, such a sweet man, lt.”

[mugentakeda]

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Been thinking about the X-Files recently. A show I have a hazy, but fond memory of.

[patexnovasblog]

The people will never will understand how I relate to her more than anyone else. She is me and I am her.

[copia]

not to get dramatic but one of copia’s dissociative translations in his troubled head was seeing sister imperator’s saucer of pills as a mug of tea and biscuits. he’s clearly an unreliable narrator who sees things we can’t trust to be true; going off of this, can we trust that the mug of tea he was handed before the encore was actually that? who’s got time to down a whole mug of hot tea when you’ve still got three songs to perform? isn’t it a strange beverage to give him out of all the other options? don't get me wrong i'm absolutely not being serious here (also not insinuating that copia is ill like seestor, i'm going down the psychological route) but what i'm saying is he could have been handed medication he didn't want to acknowledge

[spacedlexi]

twdg s4 really gave us an adorable wlw romance for the main character about building a home and a family where the two antagonists are an evil woman who she was partially cared for by as a child and her girlfriends fucked up not-exactly-ex girlfriend who wants her dead (who has been manipulated by Evil Woman and they are character foils) AND its written by a gay woman and its fucking CRICKETS!!!!! i dont understand !!!!!!!

[mermaidinthecity]

So don't say that I've been acting different. I'm nothing if I'm not consistent. You knew everything you'd be getting. I told you right from the beginning. Now you're on my case, how could I go? You never dreamed I'd be so cold. And then, with venom on your tongue, you ask me who I have become. Well, I have captors I call friends. I got panic rooms inside my head. And I get down with crooked men, but I am the girl I've always been. I got wrapped up in the game again and you woke up in an empty bed. And I can't say I'm a perfect ten, but I am the girl I've always been. Yeah, I'm a candle in the wind, but I am the girl I've always been, ah.

Girl I’ve Always Been by Olivia Rodrigo