#goals really went from age 18: I’m getting a PhD

[ysabelmystic]

I wish my job paid more. They overstuffed the freezer again and I have never had so much fun in my life.

[sophielovesbooks]

Why I’m Currently Not Writing

I want to write this post as a sort of personal reflection. But I am posting it on here because first of all, I like to share bits of my life on here and second of all (and more importantly) I’d like to get advice from some other writers on Tumblr! I know some of my followers are writers, but even if you aren’t following me (or maybe even if you aren’t a writer) I’d like to hear your thoughts.

So. Why am I not currently writing?

First of all, let me give you a bit of background really quickly: I knew that I wanted to write from when I was very little. As soon as I could write a few words, I started making these hand-drawn comics with speech bubbles. As soon as I could write properly, I hand-wrote my first novel, at age 8. From then on, I was almost constantly writing. I finished my first typed novel at age 12. Then the sequel at age 13. Then another novel at age 14. Then, I got kind of busy, especially with school. But after school, at age 18, I finished another novel.

Now that’s when the problems started. Yes, I got busy again, first on my gap year, then with uni. But essentially, from that last finished novel in 2014 on, I haven’t been able to finish anything. Wait, no, that’s not quite true, I haven’t been able to finish a novel. I went through an incredibly prolific phase in 2015/2016/2017, where I wrote lots of fanfiction and short stories with original, recurring characters. But from 2014 until now, I also started and abandoned 4 large writing projects (that were meant to be novels). I last worked on the last of these projects in October 2020. Then… I just got really busy with uni, lost interest… I’m not sure. I never officially abandoned it, but let’s just say… I’m not feeling particularly optimistic about this project getting finished at the moment.

Now as somebody who never had any issue finishing novels – as somebody who actually decided in her teens to never start a novel she couldn’t finish! – this is driving me wild. Throughout my teens, if I wanted to write a novel, I just… wrote it. I normally spent about half a year planning it. Then half a year getting it written. (I don’t have much practice editing my novels, but that’s an issue for another time.)

So. Why am I not currently writing? I’ve thought about it and I’ve come up with a few reasons.

 1. Other things feel more important at the moment. I have other priorities. A really big personal goal of mine that is taking up a lot of time and even more mental energy is getting into a PhD programme/securing a PhD position, preferably at my local (prestigious! So hard to get into!) research institute. Writing a novel just seems… a lot less important compared to this goal at the moment. Getting good grades in another priority that seems more important than writing. As does working out. As does spending time with my boyfriend.

For a long time, I thought it was mostly this. The fact that I had different priorities. But upon reflection, I think there is even more to it than that:

2. I have progressed enough as a writer to now be hypercritical of my work, much more than I was before. I kept asking myself: “How was I able to simply finish things as a teenager? Why was I a better writer then than I am now??” Then I realised. I very likely wasn’t. I very likely was a much worse writer and therefore much happier to accept sloppy writing, bad plots and so on. Things that I no longer tolerate. Things that now make me abandon projects, because they just don’t seem good enough for me. I thought some more about the novels I finished writing as a teenager and realised… if I was writing them now, I would probably abandon them to! Those books had major flaws that weren’t as obvious to me then as they are now OR that I noticed, but was willing to ignore.

3. Related to the second point… my current writing goal is an extremely high one. I want to write a novel and get it traditionally published. This is no small feat. On the contrary, it’s kind of the holy grail of writing. If I feel like a project does not have what it takes to get traditionally published… I am very likely to abandon it. As a teenager, I think my major goal was to finish things. Primarily, writing was fun. Now, I am always writing with this very intimidating goal in mind and it’s making me have much higher standards for my own work.

4. I feel like as a writer I am currently in a phase of learning, processing, taking things in… I am reading more than ever, reading about writing more than ever, watching Masterclasses on writing… It feels like a time to soak things in, like a sponge, rather than a time for output (apart from academic output, which I am required to produce).

5. Related to that last point… I am not sure I have anything important to say. I kind of feel like I need to spend more time living, actually experiencing interesting things, forming opinions, finding messages that are important to me… It was something I became more aware of over the past few years: that it was just very hard for me to write adult characters in regular jobs, because I was a student and had never really worked a regular job like “nurse”, for example. The first project I abandoned was about a middle-aged mother of three and I just really quickly realised that I was in over my head. I’m sure that once I become a mother, I will have a lot of things to say about motherhood and will be able to write about it very realistically! But right now, I just can’t do that.

6. Building on the last point again… writing a novel and getting it traditionally published is starting to feel more and more like a life-time project. When I was younger, the goal was always to get published young. I wanted to get published during my teens, then during my early twenties. Now, I’m glad that that didn’t happen! Because what I could have written and published then is something that most likely I wouldn’t be proud of today. And more and more I want to wait until finally, at one point in my life, maybe really late, I write one thing that I am actually really proud of and that I want to be published under my name. (And yes, maybe your old work will always be cringey to you, but I strongly believe that there are degrees of cringe ranging from “I am a horrible person for putting this out into the world and I wish I could travel back in time” to “Okay, this sentence is kind of awkward and this plot point maybe wasn’t the best, but hey, it is what it is, I’m still proud of it overall”.)

So yeah, these are the reasons why I am not currently writing. My question now is… what should I do? Focus on short stories and/or fanfiction again? Try to force myself to finish one of my WIPs? Continue to just… take a break from writing? Try really hard to come up with something better and make a commitment to this new project…? Try to make it a priority, likely the expense of something else...?

Would be happy to hear any thoughts any of you had on this! Thank you so much in advance! <3

[doctorharley-md]

So I’ve been thinking a lot recently about how old Harley is and I’m going to bore you with the details right now 

 The age of Harley Quinn is a somewhat debated topic, since neither her actual birthday nor her actual age have been specifically mentioned in comics. She’s also frequently depicted as somewhat childish, both mentally and physically (a conversation for another time, maybe). Largely, I consider her birthday to be September 11, but that’s just the day she first appeared as a character (in Batman: The Animated Series). In cases where her birthday has been celebrated in comics, the date isn’t stated. But whatever, she’s a lady, and nobody needs to know how old she is. Aside from her family, and Batman, I don’t think anybody does know how old she really is. But I have been known to do math from time to time.

The Beginning

    Harleen Frances Quinzel was born at zero years old.     Lol jk I’m actually gonna start with her graduating from high school. In general, Americans graduate from high school at 18. She was a good student, and an even better gymnast, and she got a scholarship for that to go to college. Most people graduate college at 22. But I think there’s an argument to be made for her graduating college a year early. Harleen was an exceptionally driven student with a poor home life. She needed her scholarship to be able to go to college (thanks dad!) and at that point in her life, she was motivated mainly by two things – she wanted to be out of her home situation, and she wanted to be able to understand why her family was so messed up. This made her not only education-oriented, but career-oriented, and suggests a compelling reason that she may have pushed herself to graduate a year early (particularly once she was in college where students choose their course loads).    That’s all to say, I believe Harley was 21-22 years old when she graduated college.

The PhD Problem

   Sometimes when Harley mentions her post-graduate education, she says she has a PhD, and sometimes she says she went to medical school, which would give her an MD. Regardless of the degree she says she has or studied for, she always describes herself as a psychiatrist.    Psychiatrists need to have an MD to practice, since they are medical doctors who treat mental health issues. It’s easy to think that this means there’s some inconsistency in either what degree people attribute to her, or what degree she claims to have. But I don’t think so.    I think that directly after she graduated college, Harley went to an MD/PhD program. Teaching hospitals have MD programs, but a lot of them also have PhD programs that focus on translational science, and an option which combines the two, called an MD/PhD. They’re fucking grueling degrees, and I don’t envy anybody who’s doing that, but Harleen Quinzel would have graduated college in the perfect position to get an MD/PhD.    She had no money, and her goal was to become a psychiatrist. She did undergraduate research which would have given her the experience required to impress a PhD program, she was on the gymnastics team which shows dedication, and she is incredibly smart so she would have had a great GPA and MCAT scores. MD/PhDs are also often paid a stipend during their schooling equivalent to what a PhD student makes in the same program (this is a salary which is enough to cover living costs), which makes this a great way to get two degrees while supporting herself.    MD/PhD programs take six or seven years. The first two years are medical school, the second two or three years are spent doing the PhD thesis, and the final two years are the last two years of medical school. It makes complete sense that this is what Harley would do since it’s time and cost effective, and she’s both driven and intelligent enough to do it.    (Also you don’t graduate with an MD/PhD, you graduate with an MD and a PhD. So if your medical license were to say…be revoked…you would still have a PhD, motherfucker.)    When Harley graduated from graduate school, I believe she was 27 or 28 years old.

Residency and Arkham

   A residency is a requirement after graduating from an MD program. That takes two years, and you don’t get to choose where you do it, aside from being able to request to do a residency in a specific place. So this could go one of two ways – either Harley got accepted to do her residency at Arkham, or she did her residency and then started her job as a full-fledged psychiatrist at Arkham.    I think the second option is more likely, considering Arkham’s institutional profile. So I think she was 29 or 30 when she began working as a doctor at Arkham Asylum. I’m consolidating this to a round 30 years old.    It’s pretty clear from the comics about her origin that by the time she began working at Arkham, she was already very interested in the Joker (the path that led her to a Joker fascination is a story for a different time). It’s also well-established that shortly after she started her job at Arkham, she got herself assigned to work with the Joker. At that point in her life, she already wasn’t entirely mentally or emotionally stable because she’d thrown herself into her work to avoid dealing with her own mental health issues. For the Joker, that plus her already-present obsession with him made her an easy target. By the time Harley helped break him out of Arkham, she very much thought that saving him was the only way to prove herself.    I think Harley was 31 or 32 when she really became Harley Quinn. For the sake of giving my girl the benefit of the doubt, I’m gonna go with 32.

Relationship with the Joker

   Obviously, over the course of her existence as a comic book character, Harley has been with Joker for a long time. But the more I think about the actual timelines of those comics or cartoons, the more I become convinced that it was only a few years. Their relationship started rapidly – it was hot and heavy and a total whirlwind because of the lives they led.     I think it was less the time, and more the quantity of the crimes they did together and her devotion to him which established them as Gotham’s criminal power couple very quickly. In Gotham, bad things happen in such rapid succession that it bleeds time of real meaning. It would be easy to have the Joker freshly out of Arkham, suddenly with a very in love girl tagging along and making herself just as much of a threat as him, and then to think that that just made sense, and so it must always have been or would always be that way.    But their relationship could never last, for a whole laundry list of reasons which probably everybody knows.    So I believe that by the time Harley and the Joker break up, she’s around 35. She’s also in fantastic shape, and jumped into a pool of acid that fundamentally changed some aspects of her physicality, and is extremely mentally nimble but also insane and acts like a child a lot of the time. Which is why it’s really just a number – and it’s not one that any other character is likely to know unless they can get the information out of Harley or Batman. But she’d just as soon lie as anything else, and he knows better than to comment on a lady’s age.

[fangirling-throughlife]

I had an ice cream with some relatives today (well, they’re not actual relatives, but their father/grandfather married into my family). The eldest kid is 5 years younger than me, so two of them are in full teenage mode. 

The middle child suddenly asked “so, do you have a boyfriend?”. I went silent. It’s a yes/no question, but it’s so damned hard to answer for me. Officially, I don’t. Or, I don’t think so. We never called it quits, not with that many words. But he’s still planning on coming over while I’m here (please, please, let him come for my birthday). And he got me a beautiful parting gift, and we went out on a date before I left. And I love him. Or at least, I think I do. Can you love somebody so much that parting feels like a dagger to your heart and saying their name without crying is impossible, but hate their guts at the same time? Because if that’s true love, I found my soulmate at the age of 9.

We dated on and off for 7 years. The on seasons were when we were starting college (he’s 3 years older), off seasons were during the last semesters of our senior years. I remember one really awkward time at my endocrinologist’s office during senior year of high school (it’s important to know that I was having 2-3 panic attacks a day, I’d lost 4 kg and slept around 6 hours a day if I didn’t have an exam near). He simply asked me if I went out (of course I don’t, I have academic goals I want to achieve), then if I had a boyfriend. At this point, my mum just answered for me: yes, she does. And he asked me if we went on dates. Again, my mother answered: they don’t, because they’re both the same, overachieving students, obsessed with science, and even when they get together, she won’t get her mind off school because they’ll talk about physics, or maths, or whatever. And it’s true. We’ve shared more than half of our lives, and we still talk about science ALL the time. 

When he got a chance to get a double degree in France, which required moving there for 18 months, I was so happy for him, but I secretly wished for him to fail that one exam I knew would make him stay. Obviously, he didn’t. And we kinda let each other free to date other people. I tried, but couldn’t go through with it, because when he called on a Friday night and we talked while we made dinner, it felt like he was there with me. And when he came back for the weekend his arms were all I needed. His hugs made the world right. 

Last summer, my family fell apart and I had to reevaluate my choices, my dreams. Even though I’ve always known I wanted to do research, I figured I needed to make some sacrifices to make it work. And after a big but silent fight, he was the easy choice to drop. Focus on classes, get good marks. I still mentioned him at times when I talked about personal stuff, because, after all, he’s a big part of my life. And he’s smart, and dedicated to science, and he makes me proud. 

Now he’s back in town, and I’m gone. He didn’t say a word about choices, even though I know he doesn’t approve of my bachelor-master-PhD plan. He asked me to live my best life. Letting me go. And now he’s got a job, a big, important, well-paid job. I know he has always told me he wants to settle down before 30, and he’s getting there. And I won’t be there, so I won’t be the one, after all. I could’ve stayed. I could’ve studied a teacher’s degree, or a public health master, and I wouldn’t be in a laboratory, but I’d have him. And a job. But my dream is working in a lab, being called a Dr., and I knew I wouldn’t get that there. 

For 7 years, we’ve been the perfect fit. Mostly. We still might be it. But science and dreams got in the way. Sometimes I wonder if it’s worth it. Is it worth to lose the person you love, to move away from your family, just to chase a dream that could go horribly wrong? There are so many graduate students with mental health problems that it seems reckless to even try it. And yet, when I’m in bed, all I can think of are molecules and how they interact, and I make notes on my phone to check two thousand articles in the morning. And that makes me happy. Perhaps not as happy as his arms make me feel, but it’s good enough for now.

[streep-mulgrew-anderson]

~It's impossible for me to let you go

Knowing everything that I know

So tell me I won't but I'm not gonna go until you believe it

Girl I promise you're gonna see~

Don’t get me wrong, I’m still shit scared about moving and starting my new job, but I’m sort of starting to get excited. I am excited about turning 21 one though. I usually hate birthdays but 21 feels so mature! Like, the legal drinking age here is 18 so 21 really means nothing but idk I finally feel my age. I think that also part of me is just glad away to get away from my parents and have some space. Like my Dad whinged constantly about how much it costs to send me to school but yet he does see that it helped me get to where I am because he dropped out of school and never really achieved anything worth celebrating. Like I’m one of those people that are always thinking about the next goal. Like I’ve got a bachelor degree and I can’t wait to get my next one or do my masters of PhD and he doesn’t get that. He is driving with me to where I’m moving and then flying home because it’s so far away so I just have to get through that.  Anyway.

Guys, also, spam me with song requests for edits. I really just want to make heaps before I move because I don’t think I will have the time to make as many once I start my new job.

New chapter bed time stories will be up tomorrow too. Hoping I can get a lot of that pre-written too so there is not a huge delay.

I caved and went to Maccas today for lunch too. And they forgot to give me my fries which I didn’t realise till I got home.

If your still reading, I also think I’m in love with Gillian Anderson

[sandcastles-hedestroys]

1-70 I want to know it all in great detail

I see, the key to getting asks is to passive-aggressively tag your friends.

01: Do you have a good relationship with your parents?

Anyone who has ever known me in real life knows I absolutely do not. I have an alcoholic, compulsive liar for a mother and an absent father, plus some grandparents who are so convinced that they are my actual parents that they would probably kick me out if they learned I refer to them as my grandparents. Fun times.

02: Who did you last say “I love you” to?

Either my dog or yours lol. I don’t like telling people I love them. That’s something to be shown through your actions, otherwise the word loses its meaning. 

03: Do you regret anything?

I don’t even know where to start with this one. I’ve regretted basically every major decision I’ve made, and I probably shouldn’t be allowed to think for myself. If I had to name a few things that I regret right now, I would say I regret spending my spring break being so bitter. I really did have a good time, but I would have enjoyed myself more if I hadn’t tried to make it about me. My other big regret at the moment is cancelling my campus residence app. I screwed myself out of a guaranteed place and now I’m stuck with a bunch of drama and uncertainty. Also, there’s a friend that I’ve had for years and there were times when I was pretty horrible to her and she stuck with me despite it. I wish I had been mature enough at the time to be the person she needed in her life, instead of causing drama.

04: Are you insecure?

Extremely. I have a lot of insecurities about my body, mostly my face and hair, but a lot of my family in underweight and it was kind of instilled in me, that to be attractive I had to be underweight, like I remember when I started high school I made it a goal to stay below 110lbs until after graduation. I was still growing so that goal was as unrealistic as it was unhealthy. I’ve struggled with disordered eating since I was like 12. Other than that I can be really insecure about asking for the things I want and need. One of my biggest fears is people seeing me as selfish.

05: What is your relationship status?

I’m a single Pringle! I was in a relationship for a few months, but I got dumped because I consistently put my friends before her, which is funny because I’m in the middle of some conflicts with friends over not talking with them enough. I’ve been on a few dates and stuff since then, but I’m in a bad place right now mental health wise, so being single is probably for the best rn. 

06: How do you want to die?

This is kind of dark, but I don’t really care how I die as long as I’m in control of how it happens. If there’s a really wild and interesting story involved that would be even better. 

07: What did you last eat?

I’m munching on some green chili peanuts with a crap ton of Diet Coke. I’m at home right now so I’ve been eating way more than usual.

08: Played any sports?

I used to do ballet, gymnastics, contemporary and jazz, as well as various ballroom dances. I’ve blocked most of it out and lost a lot of my flexibility, but I would love to return to ballet at some point. I miss gymnastics too, but I’m too tall for it lol.

09: Do you bite your nails?

I’ve always been weirdly prideful of my nails and the thought of biting them has always freaked me out, like my nails are my babies. Keeping them nice is a big deal to me so my chompers can stay the hell away lmao

10: When was your last physical fight?

I’ve never actually been in a physical fight. The closest encounters were last semester, when my old roommate got a concussion from a crazy person that used to live with us, and a few years ago when I let a friend slap me.

11: Do you like someone?

I’m assuming this means like like. I’m not super interested in dating right now, but there have been people that have sparked my interest recently.

12: Have you ever stayed up 48 hours?

I am smol and weak. My fragile shell of a body would actually start to disintegrate if I tried this. I’ve only made it to 24hrs once and my body like completely shut down.

13: Do you hate anyone at the moment?

I don’t like using the word hate for the same reasons I don’t like using the word love. There are people that I will not associate myself with and there are people in my life that I don’t feel any positive emotions towards, but there isn’t anyone that I could comfortably say I hate. 

14: Do you miss someone?

There are a lot of people from my life a few years back that I really miss, but I have to remind myself that I was a different person then, and some bonds are meant to be broken. I also really miss a lot of the friends I have at school. I take them for granted until we’re apart and then I feel all hallow, like part of me left too and that really sucks.

15: Have any pets?

I have a Chihuahua-weiner mix. He’s super old and he doesn’t have a tail and his name is Bob. He’s great. My aunt’s dog is basically my dog too, and he’s a pit mix. His name is Chester and he is actually a giant teddy bear. My friends have a doggo too, her name is Gwen and I am her aunt. She is the most talented and amazing fluffer who deserves the world.

16: How exactly are you feeling at the moment?

I’m at that weirdly numb point right now where emotions are like a foreign concept to me. I’ve been super stressed and I have a lot of pretty serious decisions at the back of my mind that I can do nothing about at the moment. I’m super behind on my schoolwork and with all this stress, I know I can’t catch up. It’s super frustrating and there’s been a lot of drama amongst my friend group, making me feel like I can’t really trust anyone in my life right now. My age has been preventing me from doing so much recently and since my birthday is around the corner, even the people who claim to understand have been super condescending about my anger over it. There have also been a lot of deaths recently in the city where I go to school, and I’ve learned that death is a bit of a trigger for me, so that hasn’t been fun. I feel like I’m one serious breakdown from being there myself and that’s super scary. 

17: Ever made out in the bathroom?

Somehow, no.

18: Are you scared of spiders?

When I was little I was really afraid of spiders and would go out of my way to have them killed. I had intense breakdowns whenever I thought a web touched me. Now, I regret having hurt innocent creatures and I think spiders are really cool. Leave the land crabs alone!

19: Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?

Yeah, knowing what I know now, I think that it would be cool to try and get myself to the point where I am now, but without a lot of the drama.

20: Where was the last place you snogged someone?

My dorm room lol. 

21: What are your plans for this weekend?

I’m taking a greyhound back to my college town on Saturday, and Sunday I’m returning to my normal schedule. I’m not looking forward to that eight hour bus ride.

22: Do you want to have kids? How many?

I’m kind of a lone wolf, and I really want to travel so kinds aren’t really in the picture, at least not until I’ve gotten my doctorate. Even then I would either adopt or use a donor, and I wouldn’t have more than two. 

23: Do you have piercings? How many?

Right now only my ears are pierced, but I plan on getting my septum done in May, followed by a double medusa. I also really want dimples and a brow done. Eventually I’d do my nipples and stomach as well.

24: What is/are/were your best subject(s)?

I’ve always been geared toward the liberal arts. I love all things involving art, history, and languages. I low-key have always enjoyed math too. I’m working on my bachelors in comparative cultural studies with minors in queer studies and museum studies. I want to carry that on to a masters in gender studies and a phd in Buddhist art. After that I’d like to go back to school fo economics and eventually obtain a masters in economic history.

25: Do you miss anyone from your past?

I miss people from my past when I’m unsatisfied with the people currently in my life. I have to remind myself that they aren’t around anymore for a reason and that it’s more important to work on the relationships that are relevant. Dwelling on the past does more harm than good. 

26: What are you craving right now?

Some love and affection? I’m not craving anything really. I could just use some peace and quiet.

27: Have you ever broken someone’s heart?

Yes. I’ve broken an ex’s heart when I ended the relationship. I was unhappy, to the point where I cheated. This was also the point when I started to question if I was actually a lesbian. I dumped him and never told him why. I broke my friend’s heart when I led her on, but then rejected her because I was in love with someone else (who did something similar to me). I broke my aunt’s heart when I told her I felt like I don’t have a family. I broke my biological mother’s heart when I made it clear that I didn’t want her in my life. I’m pretty good at the whole hurting others thing. 

28: Have you ever been cheated on?

It’s very possible, but if someone did, they never told me.

29: Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry?

I can’t name a specific time, but I’m sure it’s happened.

30: What’s irritating you right now?

What isn’t irritating me right now? Oh my god. 

31: Does somebody love you?

I’ve had a lot of people tell me they do, but I have a hard time feeling it most of the time.

32: What is your favourite color?

I love every color, and I don’t like making colors feel left out, so my favorite changes a lot. Right now it’s yellow, because yellow is a bright, warm, happy color. I also really like pink. The pastels of both of those are 10/10

33: Do you have trust issues?

I legit don’t even trust myself. The only person I honestly trust 100% is my aunt. I have really bad trust issues, but I also overshare a ton. My life is a cycle of sharing my life story and then panicking. 

34: Who/what was your last dream about?

The other night I went to sleep while drunk and I had this wild dream where I met someone, learned his whole life story, flirted and eventually fell in love with him, came out to him, saying I’m not sexually attracted to guys (he came out as ace too so it was perf), and then he was hit by a car, causing irreparable brain damage. I woke up right after, but that dream will haunt me.

35: Who was the last person you cried in front of?

My aunt. I was updating her on my life in college, and it’s been less than ideal.

36: Do you give out second chances too easily?

I’m a huge believer of forgive but don’t forget. I used to be so bad about grudges that I would be angry even after forgetting what I was upset about. I guess I have the opposite issue here.

37: Is it easier to forgive or forget?

Forgive. Like I said above, I might forgive you, but knowing what someone did before will always leaving me searching for instances of them doing it again. Trust issues who?

38: Is this year the best year of your life?

It’s only March and I already know that it will be one of the worst years of my life. Ugh.

39: How old were you when you had your first kiss?

I think I was thirteen. I didn’t know how I felt about guys at the time and I almost puked in that poor dude’s mouth. 

40: Have you ever walked outside completely naked?

I have, and it was terrifying. Midday skinny dipping wasn���t one of my greatest ideas.

51: Favourite food?

Avocado on toast with a poached egg on top, muffuletta, yellow curry, and eggs benedict are my top ones.

52: Do you believe everything happens for a reason?

Absolutely. I didn’t really believe this until my roommate’s big fight last year. So much happened in one night, that wouldn’t have happened if we had done things even a second later. It was wild, but it was like there was so much pent up negative energy that the universe needed to release, and it found a way to make that happen.

53: What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?

I put some food away.

54: Is cheating ever okay?

The thing about cheating is that it’s when you go out of your way to do something with someone else when you know it would hurt your current partner. It’s something that happens when you aren’t happy in your relationship, and in a lot of cases it can be a cry for help. It is hurtful and a sign that a relationship isn’t meant to be, but cheaters shouldn’t always be villainized.

55: Are you mean?

I can be, but I try not to.

56: How many people have you fist fought?

None, lol

57: Do you believe in true love?

Not really. There are so many people that we have things in common with or who exist on the same wavelength. We might find someone that makes us happy for a long while, but nothing is permanent.

58: Favourite weather?

I love hot, sunny days when you can leave windows open, wear shorts, and only drink things with ice. 

59: Do you like the snow?

I lived in Alaska for over nine years before moving to the Sonoran desert. I moved to Northern Arizona for school, and when I saw snow again, it was as an adult who only saw the negative aspects of it. I hate being cold.

60: Do you wanna get married?

I don’t see myself ever being married. I would have to really love someone if I were to actually settle down and start a life with them. Right now I really only see it as something that would tie me down.

61: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby?

I honestly hate baby as a pet name. It freaks me out. The only pet names I find cute are the unusual ones, like once when an ex accidentally called me cornbread.

62: What makes you happy?

Getting my nails done, binging my favorite show (Archer), travel, doggos, wandering around in stores with my music blasting so I can feel like I’m somewhere away from my problems, seeing people impressed with food I made, completing a project and being proud of my work, etc.

63: Would you change your name?

I hate my birth name, but I’m also afraid I’ve been conditioned to feel that way by my grandparents as a way to attack my bio mom. Because of that, I’ve been going by my middle name and various nicknames. Most people close to me call me Abby, but my favorite thing is to be called Lynn. I’m pretty hesitant to legally change it though.

64: Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed?

Yeah, the last person I kissed kinda sexually assaulted me, and I’d like to avoid that.

65: Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

Reject them as nicely as possible. Dating would be bad for me right now, and I’m pretty sure I’m not sexually attracted to men.

66: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around?

I don’t think I have a best friend, period. I don’t think I’m entirely myself around anyone through. Different people will bring out different parts of my personality.

67: Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to?

Not sure tbh. 

68: Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

My aunt. The conversation we had about my life at school was pretty emotional.

69: Do you believe in soulmates?

No, for the same reason I don’t believe in true love. Life is too impermanent for there to be someone our soul fits with perfectly. There is too much change for something to be predetermined like that. 

70: Is there anyone you would die for? 

Anyone who has ever been somewhat nice too me. Honestly though I would be willing to die for a lot of people. The thought of anyone else having to suffer really sucks and if I can save them from that, I would.

[notsoivorytower]

This month, we spoke with Ph.D. candidate and Anzaldúing It podcaster Jackie Cáraves. An L.A. native, Jackie talked to us about navigating life and the ivory tower as a QWOC, first-yen college student, and first-gen grad student in the borderlands. She shares her insights on the LGBTQ Latinx Community, impostor syndrome, code-switiching, and QWOC survival. Follow Jackie on IG @getitgirrl and @anzalduingit !

Hey Jackie! Tell us a bit about yourself and your academic journey. What is your field of study and what does your current research focus on?

I grew up in East Hollywood in Los Angeles with a single mother on welfare and two older brothers. My dad left when I was 18 months old and I’ve only seen him a handful of times throughout my life. As a unit, my mom and my older brothers Martin and Rudy are extremely close. We went through a lot together. My brothers really influenced my journey to academia. Martin showed me that it was possible to go to college by attending UC Berkeley after high school. My brother Rudy tried to provide for us by joining a gang, which really made me question why he had to go through that trauma as a necessary part of our racialized poverty. It made me want to understand the systems that put us all in those really difficult situations. When I went to UC Santa Cruz, I was inspired by my feminist studies classes and latino studies classes. In those classes, I learned about intersectionality and about my own family’s experiences in a systemic way. When I read the works of these chicana feminist scholars, I saw myself and I wanted to be just like them. I wanted to create knowledge and bridge academia and community.

I am currently a PhD Candidate in Chicana/o Studies at UCLA. My research focuses on the experiences of Trans and Gender Non Conforming (GNC) Latina/o/xs. My work really aims to highlight the ways in which Trans and GNC Latina/o/xs embody resilience and so my dissertation will mainly focus on family, chosen family, and spirituality as sources of resilience. I was connected to Bamby Salcedo, the president and CEO of Trans Latin@ Coalition, through a friend. After Bamby and I had developed a repoire, Bamby asked me to work in community with Trans Latin@ Coalition to co-produce the first report about health in the Trans Latinx community. Our report, The State of Trans Health, was published by Trans Latin@ Coalition last year and involved surveying 129 members of the Trans Latinx community all over Southern California. Based off of the work that Bamby and I did, I am conducting more in depth interviews with Trans community members about their methods of resilience.

Can you speak to your experiences as a QWOC in academia? You certainly seem to be vocal about attempting to break down the Ivory Tower. What are some obstacles / inequalities / disadvantages you've encountered and how did you deal with them?

For me being a QWOC in academia has come with imposter syndrome. My mom was only able to obtain an elementary school education. I am a first generation college student and a first generation grad student. So, my background only fills me with doubts about whether I can be an academic and a scholar. As I entered the MA and PhD, I became very uncomfortable being in those spaces, often feeling like I didn't belong or that I wasn't supposed to be there because I somehow felt I wasn't qualified to be there. I felt like someone was going to find out I was truly unqualified and kick me out of the program altogether. Even being in a program like Chicana/o Studies where my peers and professors are all People of Color didn't make it easier. Because ultimately academia is still academia and there is a culture of competition and performance that exists.

Academia is isolating, competitive, and based on production. My cohort is the first Chicana/o Studies Cohort at UCLA and I think we are keenly aware that we are the first. Being the first cohort is special because we are really building the culture of our program. We have tried together to build community, mentorship, and support each other. However, building this culture took time, so the first few years were especially difficult. Now, however, I think my main sources of affirmation and validation are my cohort members and my adviser. We are trying to break down, as much as we can, the sense of competitiveness and alienation that academia puts on grad students.

I also want to use academia to do community work. It is really hard to be authentic in a place that is so competitive and so based in what you “produce.” The ways in which I try to break that is through my scholarship and through my teaching.  

You focus on Latin American Studies and have been a big advocate for LGBTQ visibility. Can you tell us more about your goals for implementing your studies within the larger LGBTQ Latinx community?

Being in Chicana/o Studies and Latino Studies, I’ve learned a lot about race, class, and even gender. However, there is a dearth of social science literature that focuses on queer Latinx experiences. We see a lot of that scholarship, specifically chicana lesbian feminist scholarship, be relegated to the humanities. My goal is to bridge the literature and center current Latinx struggles. We have a lot of conversations now about intersectionality but a lot of our conversations have only one or two dimensions and we don’t include queer or trans identities in those conversations. They should. Centering the queer and trans community can help us understand heteronormativity, another structure that oppresses all of us. At least that’s what I want to bring to a university and academic setting.

In terms of the larger Latinx community, I want to use the resources of a university and my own social capital to collect information and make it useful for community members who are trying to empower and elevate themselves. For example, when Bamby and I did this study together last year, we knew what kind of data the study would produce because of our lived experiences. But we wanted to show the results in a printed, digestible way for grassroots organizations to bring to funders, politicians, and community organizers.

After listening to your recently launched podcast, "Anzaldúing It," we knew we had to feature you on Not So Ivory Tower. We appreciate you speaking on your experiences as a QWOC in L.A., touching on issues like being a child of immigrants, welfare, toxic relationships, and self-care. Can you tell us more about this project?

Thank you for listening to the podcast! It brings me so much joy to be talking about the podcast and to be in a place where we are now putting together the 10th episode! The idea of a podcast started with a conversation I was having with my best friend, Angelica Becerra. Earlier this year, I brought up the idea of doing a podcast to Angelica. I suggested it to her because we always come together and have these conversations on our own. What we talk about on the podcast is really how we talk to each other in real life and how we heal and bring joy to our lives. We learn a lot from each other and I just wanted to start recording these moments of our lives that have really felt cleansing and soothing for both of us.

In the podcast we talk about our personal lives, academia, and those things that help us get through: spirituality, astrology, our families (both chosen and not) and food! We never thought that we would have so much interest, but we are so happy and excited that people are listening and that people seem to be taking joy in listening. This podcast is a way for us to stay connected to the world, ourselves, and our community. Especially in times like these, I think we need these brief moments of laughter, love, and honesty, almost as a respite from the news. We are super excited about sharing with you!

In one episode, you talk the roles code-switching and accents play in academia. This seemed like a perfect reflection of Gloria Anzaldúa's writings on performing multiple identities to survive. Can you speak more on your experiences with this?

As I’ve mentioned in the podcast, code switching is something that I have had to learn since I was little. As first generation students, child of immigrants, we learn this from a really early age. We switch from English to Spanish whether we are at school or at home. I also was in very white spaces from middle school and onwards and I learned the different borders I had to cross with my language whether it was with friends, teachers, or at home.

In academia I’ve had to learn a new language. I’ve had to try to find an academic voice that still remains true to who I am. I’ve tried to hold on to the way I speak and not assimilate. I try to keep the way that I speak from growing up in the hood and not try to erase where I come from.

Even though we are talking about language, I’ve also “code-switched” with my gender presentation and with my queerness. Code-switching is often about performance of your different identities and for a long time, I performed femininity because I thought that was what was expected of me. I’ve learned to live more authentically in the last 2 years too in my gender presentation. So in that regard I’m trying not to code-switch in my queerness.

What advice would you give a young QWOC just starting out on her academic journey? Are there any strategies, support systems, or tools that you think would help them navigate academic spaces better?

I would say, find those people that you feel safe with, share with them what you’re going through, and know that you’re going to have to be vulnerable. Community, friends, and family are essential for productivity. Also, don’t look for academia to validate you. It is important to remember that you are not a machine and productivity is not the only marker of your worth. Mental health is a real thing! Go to therapy, ground yourself in spirituality, get the support and help you need. It is important to laugh, love, and heal and try your best to remain true to yourself through this process.

[tieflingbi]

Ryder Twins Headcanons

Just to clarify right from the start, but this is a headcanon post about my Ryder, Brooks, and his sis, Elliot, who belongs to @weresquirrel​. 

We changed some things around for them (like making them older, for example) and I guess unless any of it really heavily contradicts some incredibly important, fundamental facts we learn about the Ryder fam once the game is out this is our personal canon cuz quite frankly, we do what we want. x)

- Brooks and Elliot were born in 2157, while their father was fighting in the First Contact War, making the twins 28 years old during the launch of the Andromeda initiative.

- From a young age on the twins’ mutual goal had always been to become Xenobotanists, but as “the son he’s always wanted” their father eventually pressured Brooks into following in his footsteps by pursuing a military carreer, so unlike his sister who went on to study for her PhD, Brooks enrolled in the Alliance at age 18. 

- The fact that he was stuck on a military space station while Ellie was at university initially made him feel rather bitter and jealous, but she also remained his biggest supporter and regularly sent him digital copies of her study materials and shared any new tidbits she learned with him. He was grateful for that, but his relationship with his sis still became rather complicated for him since he really loved her, but the fact that she got to do the things he wasn’t allowed to never truly stopped eating away at him.

- It became a habit for Ellie to leave little notes and doodles on the files she handed down to him - helpful notes, a doodle of a pile of poop, just a funny-sounding word underlined, little somethings that keep him company between breaks when she was home. (And I'm gonna have to quote the wife word for word at this point cuz it is too adorable okay here u go: He's flipping through a new one only to find a very shitty drawing of a professor's legs sticking out of the mouth of a gigantic carnivorous plant with unrealistically luscious lips and the note "yeah i don't get this part either, you're on your own sucker". Sibling love at its finest.) Brooks was genuinely looking forward to her silly notes as much as he was looking forward to the files themselves because they always made him genuinely smile, usually for the first time in weeks.

- Since the files were all digital she usually sent them to him via the weekly data burst that go from one station to another and he always ended up spending entire nights reading through everything while repeatedly telling himself "I'll go to bed after this chapter.". until next thing he knew he got startled by the morning alarm. Afterwards he usually compiled a list of stuff he didn't understand and sent them back to her like every two weeks or so with a note attached along the lines of "hey nerd, pls explain", because even if he's pretty smart himself there's only so far he could get with studying by himself.

- Determined to make the best of his situation and keep his father satisfied he worked his way up all the way to 2nd Lieutenant during his ten years in the Alliance, but even though he proved countless times that he earned his position due to his skills as a soldier most of his peers attributed his raise through the ranks to the fact that he is Alec Ryder’s son, and rumour had it that his father had most likely pulled some strings in order to get his boy a nice promotion. That was never true, of course, which really only added to Brooks’ frustrations over his military life because no matter what he did, he couldn’t seem to get out of his father’s shadow.

- Ellie occassionally gifts him plants which she snuck out of her lab, so he has a small collection of mostly weird and alien botanical specimens that he loves a lot to the point where he gave them all names (really bland ones though, like Walter or Karen).

- Alec Ryder was actually so busy making sure his son follows in his footsteps that he always neglected his daughter, so it’s ironic really because Elliot wants nothing more than their father’s attention and approval but gets little to none of either while Brooks gets way too much of both for his liking and would rather their father left him alone. Needless to say that the twins’ relationships with their father are both quite strained for entirely different reasons, though Alec doesn’t really see just how unhappy his children are so he continues to be ignorant about their family’s dysfunctional situation.

- When Elliot eventually joined the Alliance as a scientist after obtaining her degree she asked Brooks to show her how to properly use a gun so she could make it through the basic training every person joining the Alliance regardless of position was required to complete. He agreed, of course, though he kept playfully teasing her throughout the teaching process that there was finally something he knew more about than her.

- Brooks actually met Shepard once. It was only for a few minutes and she didn’t even take off her helmet but she shook his hand and it was awesome, a definite highlight of his military carreer. He told Ellie later on about it but for some reason it turned out that they apparently had heard contradicting things about Shepard - like whether she was an Engineer or a Soldier, a redhead or a blonde etc. - the only thing the siblings could actually agree on being that word was that Shepard was dating an Asari. (Which is actually just our creative solution for the fact that we both have different Shepards who just both happen to smooch Liara.)

[inhopswetrust]

Brewing Tales #2: Karel, Remy and Sven from “Byal Shtark (White Stork)”

Karel, Remy and Sven are three dudes from 2 different countries who by chance and choice ended up in a third country (Bulgaria) where they now make craft beer. 

They call it “White Stork”, they got great ideas and we sat down to talk about beer, life and stuff. 

Remy and Karel at the 2016 Bucharest Beer Festival. 

Keep reading for the full interview :)

In Hops We Trust (IHWT): So who is who?

Karel: Well, the company has a flat structure so we are equal but having different responsibilities. In the end, I make the final decisions (and try to be involved in everything that has to do with “White Stork”), Remy comes up with mindblowing recipes and Sven does all the other stuff - sales and marketing and general brand management.

IHWT: How long ago did you start “White Stork”

Karel: Started was a different story. 2012 the guys from Divo Pivo and Rory (AH!) started “White Stork”. The stork was sold in 2012 and 2013 at “Rhythm and beer” festival and then I picked it up. At the end of 2013 we got in contact with everybody at “White Stork” and we financed the first commercial batch you now know as “White Stork”, which launched in December 2013. So that marks my era here.  

IHWT: So Karel you are from the Netherlands, same as Sven and Remy is from the UK. How did you guys meet each other?

Remy: Through Lyubo (the owner of KANAAL)

Sven: Lyubo is the spider in the web. Most of what has to do with craft beer in Bulgaria, he is there.

Karel: When I was living in London, there were roughly 6-8 craft breweries within a 1 mile range of where I lived. Remy worked for a couple of them. Later on, he came to Bulgaria for a visit, Lyubo connected us and we met at rhythm and beer. The rest is history :)

IHWT: So you are from 2 different countries and you met in a third country. Oh the wonders of globalization. So Karel how did you end up here?

Karel: I came here to invest in food and beverages. I started with wine and moved on to craft beer.

IHWT: And the rest of you guys?

Remy: I came over looking to make beer but I didn't really know how I was going to go about doing this.

Sven: Me? Well, how do half of the foreigners in Bulgaria, end up living here? IHWT: Bulgarian girlfriends? (everybody laughs, and we trail off about blending in, standing out and beer-related tattoos)

IHWT: So how did you get started in the vast colorful world of craft beer?

Remy: Well, in the uk you are exposed to it. Karel: You were illegal. You were not even at the age of drinking :D

Remy: When I was 17-18 (2009-2010) the first brewdogs were coming out and I happened to be in London, so chance I guess.

Karel: I came into craft beer through champagne and wine making. I moved to London when the movement was really coming up. I started brewing 4 years ago.

IHWT: Do you listen to music when you brew?

Karel: Yeah, we also watch TV when we brew.

Remy: Yeah I like some background music while I brew.

IHWT: So nothing specific - just for the ambiance?

Remy: Yeah, while we wait.

Karel: Waiting takes up a lot of the brewing time. You spend a lot of time twiddling your thumbs.

Remy: On a smaller kit. On a bigger kit (a commercial system) you have a lot of things to do all the time.You are never really waiting.

IHWT: When was the last time you had a lager?

Sven: Last Thursday

Remy: Two days ago. There is nothing wrong with lager! IHWT: No, I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with it, I’m just ask this question out of curiosity ;)

Karel: The thing about lager is that you have to make the same thing year in, year out. No change. But it’s also amazing that the beer stays the same through centuries.

Remy: You need a fuckin PhD to be able to do it. That’s the most skilled brewing job ever.  The problem is that we have all been exposed to some fantastic beers so after while you stop being able to taste. It does nothing for you.

Karel: I had a lager after leaving the beer temple in Amsterdam. And I had some sushi with it. The lager with the sushi tasted awesome. I was amazed.

Sven: I grew up with Grolsch, because I lived near the factory. To this day, I enjoy it.

IHWT: What is the best thing about what you do.

Remy: It’s a long list.

Karel: It’s a very long list but I think creativity tops it.

Remy: Best thing for me is seeing someone drinking the product. For sure. Seeing them enjoy it.

Karel: I think that is number 5 on the list :) IHWT: So you do have a list?! (ha-ha-laughter ensues) So no “one best thing”

All together: No, there’s many cool things.

Sven: The scene is definitely up there. It’s a particular type of people that do and enjoy it. People that value creativity, art and quality.

Karel: And you make something you love!

Remy: And you never have to wear a suit!

IHWT: And what is the weirdest thing that has happened to you because you do what you do?

Remy: People recognising you. I can never get used to that.

Karel: And also the weird places you get this recognition from. Like, I would be walking my dog, I go get a coffee and the guy behind the counter would be like “Hey, I saw you in that interview!”

Sven: Doing TV interviews is weird. Listening back to yourself is the weirdest.

IHWT: I hear that. Listening to your own voice is...well it’s weird.

IHWT: What do you think about beer rating sites? Over or underrated?

Remy: Neither. You take it with a pinch of salt. You don’t take it literally but it gives you a good general overview.

Sven: It gives you an indication.

Karel: And good feedback. They push as to make better beer, all the time.

Sven: You should still trust your own instincts. I was astounded at some of the festivals to see people going nuts just about untapping new beers.

IHWT: It kinda makes you chase badges more than it fosters community.

Sven: Don’t underestimate the collection instincts of people :D I for one, have met people there with whom I still keep in touch.

IHWT: So you guys don’t get annoyed by trolls and negative comments without constructive criticism?

Karel: Not at all. A good example would be “Sofiiski Weise: which is a difficult beer to make. We experimented with it and some people don’t get it so we take opinion into account but we made something new and that was our goal.

IHWT: What do you guys think is the most overrated style at the moment?

Remy: That is a personal opinion.

IHWT: Which is exactly what I’m looking for :)

Sven: Trappists are overrated.

Remy: Yeah, I’d say the are.

Karel: I was just about to say that. I would say all the traditional classic beers - Belgians, Germans and the like.

Sven: They rely a lot on status and just because of that people prescribe qualities to them that are not always there.

IHWT: And what would you say is the most underrated style?

Sven: I really love my Hefeweizen but some might disagree.

Karel: I like Kellerbier. Fuck that’s good

IHWT: That’s cool. We say fuck around here :) Remy: I think low ABV and session beers. 4 and under. It’s great to drink an imperial stout that's 11% but some days you want to relax a little bit and have something easy at the end of the day.

Karel: I also think saison is very underrated.

IHWT: So let’s talk about “White Stork” now. First of all, why “White Stork”?Karel: The beer or the name?

IHWT: The name.

Karel: Because the guys were making beer in the village of “Mramor”, which has the highest concentration of storks in Bulgaria. It is also a mythical, symbolic creature. It brings children, so don’t drink “White Stork” while ovulating! :D

IHWT: For those who don’t know, there’s a lot of storks in Bulgaria as it is one of their first stops on the way up from Africa.

IHWT: Remy, what do you think about craft culture at the moment? Also, what should happen? Remy: Here or everywhere?

IHWT: Both.

Remy: It’s good. Especially here, it’s been really good. Fast developing. Elsewhere, it has just matured. But you can look back at places like England, America and Central Europe and there are stages to craft brewing so you can look back and figure out what is going to happen here in the next 15 years.

IHWT: What do you think is the next big thing? Remy: At the moment? Everybody is doing BIG imperial stouts right now. Strong flavoured imperial stouts. Really rich and thick. That’s at the moment and it will probably last for the next six months. In the summer, there will hopefully be another wave of new sours. Originally the lot of the craft brewers were mostly sticking to malt hops, yeast and natural additions. Now a lot of people are going “Well, to us it matters mainly how it tastes and how it is”. As long as the process is pure and high in quality it doesn’t matter that much if it is, for example, orange peel or orange pure. Just like Omnipolo are using high quality natural flavourings right now, instead of actual herbs, fruits of whatever.

Karel: And in just a couple of years these guys went beyond the quality of Mikkeler, Evil Twin and De Molen. They haven’t been around for long but they are quite disruptive.

IHWT: Because they don’t give a s***. Sven: Exactly! IHWT: And that is very important. Not bowing to convention is one of the few sure ways to progress.

IHWT: Is it safe to say that you are trying to do the same? In the last year you put out a Berliner Weiss with yogurt yeast bacteria (found only in Bulgaria), the Pop my Vishna sour,  and the Chilly Stout.

Karel: Yes. This is one of our main goals. So we tried making different things. We visited a lot of different producer to gather ideas. The first sours were very experimental. We are looking to gradually improve and make really special sour beer. But for the local market, it is way too early, because people don’t understand it yet. So last year we tried to get into the middle of this ground, introducing the sour product. And now we want to go further and improve it.

IHWT: So what should people expect from “White Stork” in 2017?

Remy: Everything!

Karel: We will be launching our strawberry cheesecake beer and, right now, we are looking for a place to make this.

IHWT: The strawberry cheesecake?

Sven: We made a special test badge for an event last week so it is still a secret!

IHWT: So what else?

Karel: Well it is not a secret but is yet in development stage. In January (2017) we will brew the real thing. So this is one thing. We will also come out with a new stout - probably a milk stout.

Sven: There will be a transformation of the Stork. New logo and new branding.

IHWT: So the stork is maturing?

Remy: Pretty much. It has now been almost 4 years as it is. It has evolved a lot in that time so that evolution needs to transcend into the image as well as the beer.

IHWT: I’ve had all your beer in the last years and I think The Stork has become a little more punk? More out there?

Karel: Yes, indeed! (high five time). In the early summer we are also coming out with a saison/grissette.

Remy: A twist on a grissette. A little lighter and more refreshing than a saison.

Karel: You will see a couple more collaborations. The way we’re gonna go will be more punk and creative. We’re going to continue breaking barriers and getting people to drink different stuff.

IHWT: What is the process behind the development of new recipes?

Karel: We are bored and we talk :D

Remy: Whenever we have open slots in between work, we just talk about what can we do, what has not been done, what ingredients can we bring in.There’s no special process behind it.

IHWT: Tell me something about “White Stork” that can’t be found on the internet.

Karel: You’re gonna put it on the internet so we can’t tell you!

IHWT: This is why I want it dude :D

Karel: We don’t have an office. This here is our office.

IHWT: Finishing up - what do you guys like? In life. The 3 top things for example.

Remy: I can’t say that on record (laughing).

(it actually takes them a while)

Karel: Music, art , food, mountains (even though I’m from the flattest country in the world)

Sven: Same here. Love the mountains!

IHWT: What about you Remy?

Remy: Chicks!

Sven: With dicks!

At this point the interview went into total ROFL and we just kept drinking our beer and chatting about stuff.

PS: Remy likes regular chicks! (not that there is anything wrong with any other type)

[acecademia]

I can't think of a better way to word this but it seems strange thinking about how people around my age (like you) are working on advanced degrees (and some of you know more about what you want to do in the future). (I feel like I am "stuck" in this moment due to some decisions partially out of my control.)

Hi, nonny!

(this got a little out of hand and ended up being super long)

I think one of the worst things we can do is compare ourselves to other people. I don't mean that as a criticism or an attack, of course! I am super guilty of comparing myself to my classmates and colleagues. There was a student at the admitted PhD session I helped with a few months ago who was 22. Twenty-two. Like holy shit, I like to think I was pretty mature and stable at 22, but I could not have handled a PhD at that point without at least one stress-related breakdown a month. I have another friend who just turned 24, and she's finishing her second master's degree. I didn't even start my MLIS until I was 23, and she's over here just speedrunning academia.

My point is that everyone's path looks different. I'm very lucky to have been raised in the family that I was, where an undergraduate degree was considered expected--a given. Where my parents (both the first in their respective families to go to college) fully supported and encouraged their kids to go for advanced degrees, even if my dad didn't fully get what the value of either of our fields was until much later (though now he very much dad-brags about us 😂). I'm also very lucky to have always had some inkling of what I wanted to do with my life. I like school. I'm good at it. I'm honestly not good at a lot of other things. I like writing, I like learning, I like teaching, and I like being a mentor. And all of that adds up really well to becoming a professor.

I'll also say this: I am one of the youngest members of my cohort, and that has been really rough on me. A lot of the doc students in my program are like adult-adults. They're 10+ years older than me. They've got spouses and kids and own houses and are like stable and secure. I'm over here living with my parents rent-free while the world is on hold. It's really been brutal on my impostor syndrome. Like these people have done things. They've had careers and lives and accomplishments. Hell, some of them have kids that aren't that much younger than me. I've definitely felt like I have to work harder, to achieve more, to prove that I do belong where I am and that I deserve to be in this program. My advisor and other professors have reassured me that I earned my way into the program and that they've been impressed by me and my work, but there's still that voice that tells me I'm just a kid playing dress-up or something, y'know? Especially when I'm teaching undergrads who are, at most, usually like 4-5 years younger than me and are sometimes even my age or older.

There's one member of my cohort who's a couple of months younger than me (my roomie, actually! 💜). Having her around has really helped. Another cohort mate of mine is like a year older than me, which again, helps a lot. We've chatted about how we've been somewhat recently mistaken for high school students or undergrads and how frustrating that is. Sharing those experiences helps a lot.

I totally understand the feeling of being stuck. I've had a lot of medical issues in my life. I used a wheelchair pretty much full-time for all of eighth grade. I did freshman year of high school on a completely homebound program because I physically could not handle going to school because of the amount of pain I was in. My sophomore year, I was walking again, but I did half-day school and a partial homebound program. Junior year was the first year since seventh grade that I was at school full-time and walking. I had a medical withdrawal one semester during undergrad because of a flare-up (which is the reason I graduated in 7 semesters instead of my intended 6) and took 18 months off between undergrad and grad school because of another flare-up. It was frustrating and stressful and taxing both physically and mentally. I kept feeling like I was falling behind--behind my classmates, behind my completely arbitrary timeline I'd set for myself, behind everyone's expectations for me.

But what I finally realized is that the experiences I had--the ones that I thought had been throwing me off of my path--had taught me some really valuable lessons and given me insights that I wouldn't have had otherwise. One of the things I want to study in the future is disabled youth and their use of fandom as a social outlet. I was brand new to Texas when I had my initial incident with my back. I had one friend in the entire state, and she lived over 60 minutes away and went to a different school. Fandom became that social outlet for me. It was where I made friends, found support, and actually had the opportunity to interact with people who were my age (which was huge considering my only social interaction IRL came from my parents, teachers, and various doctors & healthcare professionals). Without those experiences, I might never have considered this specific niche of research.

One of my favorite quotes comes from C.S. Lewis, who said, "You are never too old to set another goal, or to dream a new dream." Just because it might take you longer to get to where you want to go than it might take someone else, that doesn't mean that your dream, your goal, your path, or your accomplishments are somehow lesser. You can get where you want to go, even if you don't quite know where that is yet. You just have to give yourself time and permission to figure things out at your own pace 💜

[idolizerp]

[ LOADING INFORMATION ON ATLAS’ MAIN VOCAL NAMJOON…. ]

DETAILS

CURRENT AGE: 26 DEBUT AGE: 23 SKILL POINTS: 17 VOCAL | 05 DANCE | 07 RAP | 11 PERFORMANCE SECONDARY SKILLS: Drawing

INTERVIEW

namjoon should’ve known something is amiss when the company told him to get rid of his jeju accent.

he tried defending himself, but his efforts were not enough to get him out of the korean language class the foreign trainees usually attend. it was weird, re-learning korean like he was a foreigner (he suppose he is one in this unknown land of show business). it was as if the company wanted him to be reborn, like eliza doolittle in pygmalion. only he wasn’t the one who sought this change––he was forced into it…

but he’s willing to sacrifice everything for his family.

providing for his family. it’s supposed to be a noble intention, but kjh just had to warp his goal and his life and his personality into something marketable.

hwang namjoon became nothing more than a brand. the wholesome guy of the group. the guy every girls want and every boys want to be.

he’s loyal. a virtuous son, dedicated to his family first and foremost. however, his loyalty does not only extend to them but also towards his members (even if they had their fair share of arguments and conflicts, but let’s keep everything under an idyllic illusion). sometimes people can see how he holds back the tears if somebody brings up his family or how hard things are for his members during their training. this is not an act, but kjh tells him, “they love this. keep it up!” because girls love a sensitive family man.

he’s chivalrous and gentlemanly. every time he helps a female idol in high heels go down the stage, people admires him for his politeness (which confuses him: what is so special about this? isn’t helping others what you’re supposed to do?). meanwhile, some other girls curse under their breaths about how he shouldn’t be too close to female idols because he’s theirboyfriend. when namjoon cares for his members––cooking or cleaning for them––girls eat that up, saying, “he’s so boyfriend material! imagine him doing all these for you!”

but he’s also quirky. he’ll grab a book and sniff it because he says it smells good. he doesn’t care if a piece of meat gets stuck in between his teeth during one of atlas’ meokbang. he’ll slip and fall but instead of cursing, he’ll chuckle and call himself an idiot. kjh tells him to keep some of his quirks (albeit in moderated doses) because that makes him ‘just like every other boy’.

at the end of the day, kjh wants him to be ‘a flawed young man and not some perfect larger than life idol and celebrity’. a guy who wouldn’t be out of place if he’s in your class, or if he’s a neighbour next door. they need the ‘relatable’ boy and that’s the role namjoon has to play.

BIOGRAPHY

tw: cancer

i. hwang mijoo fell in love. she couldn’t help it. it’s only natural for a 19-year-old to fall in love, right?

if only she knew it was going to lead to more than just a heartbreak.

she had a bright future ahead of her. the first of the hwangs to go university. mijoo and her family were filled with hope and excitement for her future as a defense attorney… but her hopes and dreams all came crushing down when the test came back positive. she thought the nausea was caused by some bad sea food she ate last night.

oh, how wrong she was.

she was going to be a mom and it scared her. she wasn’t ready. he wasn’t ready. at 19 years old and 24 years old, they’re too young to be parents. however, unlike hwang mijoo—the girl with the nerves of steel, the survivor who is ready to take on whatever challenge the universe throws at her—the man ran away. a coward, a snake, that was all he became to mijoo. just like how she fell in love with him all at once, mijoo came to hate him. all at once.

ii.

june 1st, 1992.

the unwanted burden to his father and the pleasant surprise to his mother was born. it was a warm summer night (fitting of the warm-hearted young man he’d grow up to be) when mijoo first cradled namjoon in her arms. perhaps it was her optimism, perhaps it was just her trying to convince herself she would be fine, but all she saw in him was good.

the new mother returned to her parents’ house with baby namjoon. the moment the door opened, her parents welcomed mijoo with open arms albeit with pained looks on their faces. they were past the conversations (the “why were you so reckless?” “i’m sorry.” and the “you shouldn’t have quit uni.” “it’s okay, it’s better this way.”), but her parents could feel that mijoo had regrets.

iii. despite their lack of money, mijoo, namjoon, and his grandparents were always happy. however, mijoo knew she couldn’t keep this up.

“you don’t have to find work.” “no, i can’t live off of you guys.” “it’s okay, really, sweetie. you’re our daughter.” “no, i can’t. it feels wrong. he’s my responsibility, not yours.”

she always told herself that she could do anything when she puts her mind into it, but with only a high school diploma, what can you do in south korea? after months of searching for any viable jobs, she considered herself lucky that she could work as a part-timer in a department store. mijoo always feels so guilty for not giving a fulfilling childhood for her son, but this was better than nothing. at least, she got to spend her days off helping him with his homework, playing with him, taking care of him.

she was surprised that he took a lot from his father in regards to brains. it wasn’t long until he caught on what was missing in his life.

“mom, where’s dad?” “i told you, namjoonie, he died.” her parents’ eyes twitched. they couldn’t keep up with the lie. they know that mijoo is spiteful over being left and the fact that namjoon’s father had just recently finished his astrophysics research for his phd. it was as if things were working for him, but not her. “died how?” “in a car crash, honey.” namjoon looked down, fiddled with his fingers. he didn’t buy it. “i’ll clean up. mom, dad, you go play with namjoon.” his grandfather ushered him away and let namjoon help with a painting he was doing. “you can’t keep lying to him,” her mother warned. “i can’t just tell him his dad doesn’t want him.”

iv.

it was getting harder to take care of the family.

namjoon was growing fast and mijoo’s barely able to pay her son’s school tuition. it didn’t help that her father fell ill and her siblings couldn’t help with the bills. the house was getting too old to live in too. ceilings would leak and pipes would burst. the living conditions became less than ideal.

“is this my fault?” the 14-year-old namjoon asked. “no. it’s not, sweetie.”

mijoo knew that he didn’t believe her words, even if she truly meant it. she knew she had to distract him somehow, give him something else to think about, keep him away from the house. she sent him to whatever free lessons she could find—drawing, singing, piano, taekwondo. it was enough to distract namjoon. sure, it was wrong for her to keep her son in the dark, but if that meant him not witnessing his grandfather slowly approaching his death, then it would be worth it.

v.

one day, mijoo was surprised to see her 16-year-old son returning home early.

“why aren’t you in singing class?” “it’s cancelled for the day, mr. kwon is sick—”

—they were interrupted by a cough. those nasty ones with a thick layer of flem that never leaves. his mother told him to stay in the living room, but he followed her. peeking into his grandfather’s room, namjoon saw his grandfather hooked to an IV bag. he was breathing heavily and his grandmother was on the verge of tears. meanwhile, mijoo was on the phone frantically saying how she had made the down payment for the new IV bags and the chemotherapy.

his grandmother spotted him. she feigned a smile and brought him to his grandfather’s work room, where all his half-done paintings and empty canvases were stored.

“i’m sorry you had to see that, namjoon.”

vi.

18-year-old namjoon wanted to join the police academy after he graduated high school, excited at the thought of helping the community and the fact that it’s free. but he had to overhaul his plans when he realised that his weak stamina would prevent him from becoming a police officer.

plus, the family needed a solution soon. his mother couldn’t keep working 6 odd jobs to take care of four people.

what else can he do?

he went into the kjh global creative building and sang his heart out.

he auditioned over and over again until they put him into training. once he has a spot, he decided to forgo university, stayed in the company’s building so he wouldn’t bother his mother at home, and skipped meals.

at least this way, mijoo had one less person to worry about.

he’s already a pretty good singer, but he hadn’t realised how much dancing was required to be an idol. he would spend nights crying, with his body aching everywhere—pushed to limits he didn’t know existed. he spent 5 gruesome years in hell, of course he had second thoughts. but whenever he’s close to quitting, he’d remember his grandfather’s coughing fits and his mother crying every night with his grandmother.

his mother didn’t approve of his career. she told him the family was fine, that he didn’t have to drain himself for something he wasn’t passionate about. he’d hold her hand and lie to her that this was what he wanted.

vii.

eventually, his family’s bills are slowly getting paid thanks to him and atlas’ rise to fame. it’s not much, but his grandmother told him that his mother could finally quit one of her part-time jobs because of it. mijoo keeps asking namjoon to stop paying for them, to use his money on himself, but he insists that family comes first.

his grandfather’s chemotherapy is going well and, while still not fully healed, he is strong enough to walk and return to his job as a painter. occasionally, he’d send sketches of his next project to namjoon while namjoon would send whatever scribbles he did during his down time. namjoon would smile fondly, happy that his grandfather is no longer bedridden, happy that his grandmother has time to finally work on her garden, happy that his mother can stop working at that old department store.

this is what he’s fighting for.

it still stung how far away he was from his family, but—like his mother—he is a survivor.

this is the only way.