#god i wish someone could love me the way i love them
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hmm. actually maybe my depression is bipolar. this would explain a lot.
#REALLY need to see a therapist#i shouldn’t go from cloud 9 to wanting to self harm or kill myself in the sam day#this is not normal and in fact bad#no insurance though so guess i’ll suffer#i should at least go to bed#so sleepy 😴#downside is this has low key ruined my crush on hawks too#cause like 1) the odds that i wouldn’t be enough for him either are basically 100% based of track history#and 2) how fucking sad is it that all i have#all i’ve ever had#all i’ll ever have#is a fucking cartoon boy#god i wish someone could love me the way i love them#i wish i didn’t have to compromise something major to me just for the chance#this is stupid i’m going to sleep now#or try to at the very least
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DISTRACTIONS
sometimes its the drive to help and save our friends that pushes us to learn and to succeed. unfortunately its normally ''unethical'' to replicate that in a classroom setting.
I ONLY JUST FINISHED THE LAST PAGE HERE, THE FIRST TWO WERE LITERALLY FROM LAST YEAR, N A FEW MONTHS APART. LOOOOK AT MY EVOLUTION. im very proud of this and bled REALLY HARD FOR THE LAST PAGE. PLEASE ABSORB THIS.
#gillion tidestrider#jrwi fanart#jrwi show#jrwi riptide#the last page honestly just took super long bc i dropped it for a long while. only recently wiped the dust off o it.#IM RLY PROUD OF ALOT O THINGS ABT THAT LAST PAGE#LIKE THE PERSPECTIVE N THE WIDE SHOTS OR WHATEVER#IT WASNT EASY BUT I MADE IT LOOK GOOD!! IM SO HAPPY WITH IT#I ALSO just really love drawing gillion as soooo small#just a little guy with the weight of the world bolted to his tiny tiny shoulders#n yknow what while im here ill talk abt the first two comics aswell. i like taking inspo from JTHM for this kinda stuff#more specifically SQUEE n the way his dad was just sooo honest and cruel to him. 'yeah its your fault my life sucks' n all that. i imagine#that gillion prolly dealt with alot o that too. i know weve already seen the elders#but i did initially imagine them to be very much like the Tallests from invader zim. they just hate this little guy. hes so small n lame#hes prolly had teachers like that im sure. i like thinkin about gills experience in school!!#i fell in love with him the moment he said that he wasnt good at being a student like girl ME TOOOO WAAAAAA#HE SUCKS In school and everyone is just sooo tired of him but they gotta put up with him bc hes the Chosen One#but GOD they wish they had someone more competent i bet. it was prolly a relief when they banished him#could u imagine being that? someone so insufferable that people sigh in relief when youre gone. poor poor gillion#ANYWAY THATS ALL MY THOUGHTS#TALK ABT UR THOUGHTS IN THE TAGS TOO DIPSHIIITT CMAAAHHNN
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#personal#sometimes i wish i knew what it was like to be someone people want to talk to#or at least had students who could listen to what i say for just five minutes#god i hate yelling then they say thats all i do when if i talked normally no one fucking listens#then i take it way too hard when they say they dont like me when at least i stepped up to take their class#a class that had already ran off one teacher#but no im too useless because i actually make them do work and tried to have rules#last year was hard but at least i felt fulfilled by the end of the year with all my classes#i have never craved the end of the year so much or as much as i have this year#its not even both classes either its just this one that makes me dread working with them as much as they apparently hate me#sadly i can understand why their teacher left#and i know im not the best replacement since im learning how to teach them as they learn from me#but im just tired#its only a month left but i am so ready to never see any of them again#but depression does as it does and makes me question if im even good enough to get another job#one actually teaching my correct subject that i love#i hope like hell that i get a job and one i really want because i dont want to have to come back to this school#*it has the most substitute jobs#i dont like being loud even if no one believes me i dont like being mean though i know when i have too i just dont feel good enough#if i was i think i would have a job by now i mean im 28 and its been 5 schools in 5 years#sorry being sad on main#if you read this#thanks
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#i love my bf so much he's perfect 😭😭#he makes all the bad shitty things that have happened worth it and ofc i sooo wish i could had met him without all that happening but god#he's one of the only good things that came from all that. and the amount of love i feel for this man. god. astounding. universal.#it might sound silly but i never thought that being with someone whom i can disagree about things with but still supports me whatsoever was#like#possible#he might not like all my piercings when i talk about everything i want to get done but he doesn't fight me or tries to choose for me#and he loves them when i got them done. he makes me feel perfect in every way possible. and idk i love him i truly do#i feel so comfortable with him#anyway I'm writing this bc i cant wait to move in with him. never felt so ready or excited or hopeful#truly in love with him. truly know now#my sweet boy with the lovely smile and the missing teeth. i love him.#tooth* oops he's so handsome
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#i kind of want to kill myself. im so disconnected from anything. i have no original thought. everything is scripted#everything is just put together pieces from things ive heard elsewhere and i do not have a single original thought#everyone can see that im masks all the way down and everyone can see that i am nothing underneath and even that is a stolen way of saying it#i have no way of making nothing palatable but i am simply nothing. invite me over and ill try to adapt to you and write a new script based#off new media but if you make me truly comfortable and somehow manage to unplug my behavior then youll be rewarded with me just sitting#beside you on the floor and staring at whatever media you show me without speaking much and only occasionally seeking further warmth from#you#i vocalized it to someone close recently but im a nothing void and i wish people all acted in exactly the way i wanted regardless#i have selfish fantasies about people just doing everything to make everything easy for me and if i were a god i would be an entirely#selfish one#if the right people would go and stay as i please even though im a nothing void and dont deserve them around#if they would all do whatever i needed like gave me cuddles or sex or affirmation or money or treats#if life was one long cycle of being the most treated god by everyone then maybe i could be something i dont know#maybe something could be manifested into me#everyone already projects an idea onto me so maybe a collective idea held by all with a great deal of love would make whatever they say of#me true and maybe then id exist fully#until then oh well#though in reality im just sanitizing a bit. having others fully as puppets serving me isnt something that i want because i think itll “fix”#me by any measures and id likely only grow far more sadistic and selfish but i wish for that world because i could live in perfect comfort#i could do anything i wanted and have anything i wanted and nobody would stop me#sorry this is just like. a long rambling in tags. i should shut up now
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mistakes were made. should not have gone to library today. i will be leaving the house all five days of the week now (plus we went to a waterside on sunday for several hours) and uhm... i feel like i need to go hibernate for several weeks to feel even remotely okay again fhdkdl i am so tired i can barely think enough to string words together in any comprehendable way 🧍<- upset
#oohoohoo the self destructive ''well maybe I'll just push myself bc im going to be tired either way'' sure was a bad choice!#''lol who cares anymore im sick of being fatigued and im probably just making it up'' you are a fucking idiot god bless your soul#and yet.... the urge to Make It Worse is still so strong.... gee i sure do love p.mdd!#honest to god im so fucking frustrated w this brain lately#been trying to hide any sharps away from myself because I've just been so wildly careening into self destructive tendencies#and im sick of trying to like. control myself. i am my own keeper and im fucking sick of it gjfkdl#im trying so fucking hard to hold it together and keep myself on the right path but im really just incredibly tired#it feels like im trying to wrestle a knife out of a toddler's hand#and then the toddler cries and tantrums bc they wanted the knife#and i have nothing to give them to distract them. except im also the toddler.#idk how long i can keep this up for bc im ALSO managing other ppls emotions and baggage and shit at the centre#and over text. mainly that one person who i wish would just fucking leave me alone#but her grandma is literally on her deathbed so I can't rly try learning how to be firm rn#bc if i try to be firm i worry i will end up being a dick and i dont want to do that while she's struggling w pre-emptive grief#i don't know !!! im just so goddamn exhausted and struggling#and the world seems very cruel and terrifying and im honestly convinced im never going to find a way to exist peacefully in it#like im always going to be scared and struggle to trust ppl and struggle to socialize and feel safe anywhere#im going to be so honest. i wish i had One friend irl fhfkdl like. i think that would help a lot of my issues#to have someone i care about and respect and who actually cares about AND respects me back#and who i could just. be around. exist in the same vicinity. and not feel so scared and unsafe#a bit of a break from those constant feelings while not being isolated#who i could do activities with ???#thats actually so hard for me to imagine ever having ffhdjlsl its been so many years since I've had any semblance of that#it doesn't feel like im ever going to have that again :') it feels so impossible. pipe dream. unrealistic and unattainable#okay i need to shut up fhdksl sorry for being so insane on here every day jfc#one of these days i hope i will be genuinely stable for like... longer than a day fhfkdl#pippen needs 2nd breakfast#self harm mention
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several days and 15 thousand words later, i am relieved to report that the suffocating urge to Write Something has been sated and no longer has me in a chokehold
#Seven.txt#writing stuff#thinking of that post that’s like ‘u Have To make art or all the ideas stay stuck in ur brain and make u sick’ bc yeah thats been the vibe#wish i wasn’t so all or nothing about it tho. but alas. i’m that way with everything in my life#i either expect 10k in a day from myself or i don’t write at all for weeks. or months :)#and my average pace is about 500 words per hour. so u can see. how that might be a problem. given how many hours are in a day.#and that’s obviously not sustainable. but idk if it’s adhd or what but it’s So hard to quickly start and stop tasks just Whenever#i struggle to be one of those ppl that can consistently write like. 500 words a day every day and then wow! soon you have a whole novel#nah. once i get myself in the Zone then i’m Goin’ and i can’t stop until i’m Done or i collapse from ignoring my body’s needs lmao#it’s something i should make an effort to do though bc i’d love to be consistently chipping away at things instead of working in bursts#anyways this is a lotta negative self-commentary for what is actually a Positive post! bc yay!! i wrote a thing!! Two things actually!!! 🎉#i got the follow-up to last year’s Matt oneshot done And i wrote the next chapter of Heaven in Hiding after uh. a year and some months#i wanted to blow the dust off the ol’ keyboard by starting with writing some less. uh. high-stakes(?) stuff#not that i didn’t put my all into writing them. i always do. just that ik they’ll have less of an audience so ill cringe less if they suck#so then i can hopefully do justice to the [N]MbD stuff that i’ll be putting out next! ehehe *rubbing my hands together* Finally#the next two [N]MbD fics r already written but the first little one needs a final edit#and then the Big one for. uh. someone (u kno who u r) needs a bit of rewriting i think. i wanna make it Better#so release schedule will be 1. Matt • 2. HiH Ch.3 • 3. [N]MbD small fic • 4. [N]MbD Big fic#then i’m gonna write a lil Boothill comfort oneshot. then i’ll edit/maybe rewrite and post that Dew (Ghost) OCD comfort oneshot#i also wanna keep writing the last couple chapters of HiH before i unintentionally abandon it again#and after/amidst all that maybe i’ll manage to get ES Ch.6 written and posted before the end of the year 😭#anyways ik i’ve made posts like this before. talking abt all these Plans of mine. and most of those things r Still stuck in the pipeline#so don’t put too much stock into this plan. i could have another Bad couple of months and get None of it done#but god i sure fucking hope not. i’d really like to cling to my creativity. if for no other reason than that it makes me happy
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"you're crying from the despair of life experiences again?" the youtube comment section of phoebe bridgers - scott street, but only the best part, extended 1 hour got to me
#dawg i cried#i croed#we all croed#why must people go through difficult experiences#by god i want to hug so many people who deserve the world and tell them everything's going to be okay#none more than myself#i wish i could i wish i could hold myself when i was a child and tell myself i can and will grow into someone lovable#even if its only three people who truly love me#and i wish i could tell myself that a lot of people have bad families and bad siblings#and that people care they care in their own ways and i need to learn how as well#that if i dont want to be like them then i have the blueprint for what not to do#i wish i could tell my own self to not be a stranger to not abandon myself the way i did for years just for a speck of attention from#the wrong people#all the wrong people#always the wrong people#i wish i could hold my own unlovable hand#but more than anything i wish someone else would hold my gotdamned unlovable hand#and not let go of it#phoebe bridgers#scott street
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Envy is absolutely the most cringfail sin. it's about spending your energy NOT minding your own business and being obsessed with what other people have. and it's the only one that grants you no pleasure. it's just misery. completely pathetic
loving the fact that you have an opinion on this and needed to say it. mutuals please sit down it’s time for the philosophy and ethics socratic seminar on tumblr dot com
#listen they’re all pathetic as long as you understand what they actually truly mean#and not the oversimplified broadened media ideas of them#like you see i don’t think jealousy is necessarily bad if it’s 1. something objectively good to have and 2. something with no scarcity#i.e. like if you wished you could be as kind and patient as someone you know so you seek to emulate them#you’re jealous of them in a way that hurts neither you nor them but leads you to greater personal virtue and appreciation of them#of course if it’s not a situation like this then yeah you’re right it is pretty pathetic#but i consider envy to be something different#jealousy is wanting someone else’s happiness#envy is resenting someone else’s happiness#envy says if i can’t be happy you shouldn’t be happy either#envy is that toxic person who refuses to make any effort to improve themselves#who just whines all day in the hopes of annoying you so they can take a minor comfort in your misery#this is also related to sloth though too#sloth is not refusing to participate in grind culture or whatever it’s never taking a stand and doing the thing when it’s needed#sloth is the person who’s too afraid of facing difficulties so they always have to be neutral. aka they’re useless.#alternatively envy is the guy who’s in love with this lady who’s already taken#and he retaliates by killing her boyfriend/husband (possibly as well as her too)#so yeah envy is definitely pathetic at best and downright monstrous at worst#but like don’t get me started on pride. that is peak immaturity#y’know the people who are like ‘I WILL ATTACK AND DETHRONE GOD’ yeah i’ve never met a happy and peaceful person who says that lol#it’s just weird…#pride is just about making it all about yourself#the thing is that being full of yourself is a problem of course#but then there’s also the toxicity of hating yourself#constant self deprecation is just as damaging as a huge ego#like the way to counter pride is not to be like AAAAAH I HATE MYSELF I’M GARBAGE girl stop. pick yourself up#ppl like that are still making a scene and making it all about themselves. it’s not healthy and they should seek genuine help#like just. chill. literally. go talk to someone. go do something. being trapped in your own mind can go one of two bad ways#asks#thanks anon
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#can’t sleep. feel sick. feel empty and sad all the time. say i’m lonely and then purposely avoid talking to people#like genuinely. wtf is my problem dude??#i feel so tired and let down by everyone and everything all of the time and it’s like?#shit ain’t even that bad in the grand scheme of things. but I really still just wish I could get a ‘break for once’#why am I so stuck on the ideas of certain people who will never be the way that they were when I actually knew them#and why can’t I just be upfront with people about how I feel. so many ppl think so highly of me for Who Tf Knows Why Honestly#and it’s like. for the love of god please just go find someone else because I Promise you that I’m not going to magically fall in love +#+ with you someday. I have too many fucking problems as it is that I couldn’t even stay with my lady gf for more than a few months#why can’t I just get my shut together Jesus is it really that hard??#if I’m tired and sad then why do I stay up? why wouldn’t I just go to sleep. all I’m doing by staying awake is making myself feel WORSE#and I already feel bad enough as it is. everyone is moving forward with their lives and I’m just sitting here#No fucking clue what I’m doing. no one to talk to. i swear all I want is a good hug sometimes and I can’t even fucking get that#how hard is it to just ask someone for a hug and I can’t do even that??#please tell me I figure my shit out soon and learn to talk to other people because I’m so tired of forcing myself to be so alone all th#e time. i spend so much time awake at night and for what? so I can just make myself feel sad and lonely and anxious?#yeah well I’m tired of it. I’m tired of being awake and alone and not having anyone to talk to because I push everyone away
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I am constantly having Thoughts about the Opposites Attract trope
#I feel like a lot of stuff surrounding it’s usage oftentimes especially in het romances n stuff is just super wrong at the soul of it#bc like#u can see in kinda every story that rlyyy works that kinda has this#that for the most part it’s nearly never actually them being totall opposites per se#or even rly rhat opposite period#it usually comes down to their outward countenance#but at the same time#there’s just so much to be said about the way that so many of them are kind like “I admire u deeply for although u are extremely different#from me#u r someone with values I wish I could embody or see more around me#along with “u are a mirror of me#wether fractured or imperfect at our centers we are the same tho our outside differs greatly#and idk#there’s just sth I feel gets missed so much in these stories and I was particularly thinking about it recently wrt mdzs and dreamling#bc like sth sth dream loves Hobs love for humanity and life in particular *bc* he doesn’t have it and this he prizes it as much as he does#compared to so many other immortals n gods n whatnot who might not have#and then hob values dream so much for so long bc he loves the constant changing of life but dream represents the kind of stability#that a medieval peasant is still going to want and yearn for at least in some way#and to dream hob seems almost painfully naive#and to hob who changes so much in such small human amounts of time dream seems so impossibly unmoving that by all means he should seem *too*#rigid#but it works
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#i think something broke/changed in me a few months ago#there was this person i used to role play with and they're an amazing writer their stories made me feel things no other story made me feel#and i wanted to learn from them because they're one of the bests for me but then things changed and i couldn't start learning#and... the not so nice part of it was that they'd always talk about their writing negatively no matter how much i supported and praised the#and after a while i started feeling like it doesn't even worth for me to try and write because...#if the person whose writing i love and count as like the god of ‘show not tell’ hates their own writing then it's doesn't even worth trying#because i'll never be as good as they are#i write for myself and for the people who send me propmpts so it's not like i want my stories to be good for everybody#but if someone who's native in English and writes beautifully hates their own writing then how could i who's not native and has like less#than half of their vocabulary and skills be good enough?#before that i didn't have any problems i was okay with my writing because i was happy i could write in English at all#but since then i wrote like three stories or so in months#i try not to compare myself but... this just happened by itself because i loved their writing and they didn't and... yeah. i wish in writin#sense i could go back in the past#all i wanted from writing was to make me happy. i just wanted to enjoy it.#write stories about things i love. make others who love the same thing happy#but since i've read their stories i can't look at mine the same way as i could before#now they're shit because i can't use the same words i can't discribe things the same way and i don't feel those things when reading my#newer stories that i felt when reading theirs#this... this killed everything. and it's really sad.#but i really hope they like their writing a bit more since then ❤#my useless posts
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i love the EVIL part of EVILIVE btw. i find fucked up, unnameable unobtainable obsessive life-ending love extremely romantic and delicious. it’s the way things are in the evilive world! things are messy! and bad! and i love it! i (at least currently!!!) do not plan on writing anything pure fluff happiness because that is not something that i wish to extract from this show.. it isn’t there! i have no interest in erasing these harsh realities of evilive in my fics. happy lalala is not fun for me to write, and i won’t do it without a heavy underlying feeling of uneasiness and uncertainty and dread and despair and inevitable death. i like pain :/ and half of this couple is one of the most greedy selfish motherfuckers i have ever come to know and he’s oh so beautiful. so i am sorry if you finished evilive and wanted some kind of fix-it happy gays but i am NOTTTTTTTT the guy for that.
#ilml#idk.#lol.#sorry feeling a little defensive this sunday evening!#reqs are open indefinitely and if you need some kind of fix all you have to do is ask :]#but i will not write anyone from this show (intentionally) OOC because i respect them too much as human beings from my TV show.#from my little kdrama that takes up a huge portion of my brain.#my reason for writing at all for evilive is to explore aspects of it that we didn’t get to see on screen#anyways whatever sorry please be gentle with me ❤️#i am just a serious and passionate guy writing about a crime noir#it’s a tragic lovestory and i am not inclined to turn it into a kissing loving understanding relationship#like srsly han dongsoo? u know him yes? he wouldn’t be down for all that#he’s hetmarried in case we forgot#SORRY im so 😵💫. but please god be gentle with me. i am baring my soul to you through my writing and i need it to be handled with care#if you wish that evilive was nice and happy you could make it that way! but i will not!#maybe someone else already has/will!#but ILML (me!) is into evilness. i like weird evil lawyers who are evil and bad. and i have no desire to turn evil lawyers nonevil#and i have no desire to take away the joys of violence and power from the other half either#and idk how many of my readers are weird/offputting queer men who have been helplessly in love with a straight guy#but it is no easy event… it is no simple doing… it can perhaps even be an EVIL thing…#STRAIGHT UP RAMBLING AT THIS POINT. APOLOGIES!#<- guy who might be a little sensitive and need your understanding
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being incredibly normal this morning
#delta drabbles#delete later#gods i'm so in love and desperately wish i could do something about it#they're so wonderful in every way#and they do love me back#but they're still dating someone else (who they don't seem to even like all that much) at the moment#so as much as i really want to be with them i can't in good conscience pursue that as things are now#but i'm content with how things are now. far be it from me to meddle in other people's relationships#i wanted to write a poem in response to the poem they wrote about me but my brain is off the fritz at the moment from the intense emotions#i'm sure they're gonna find this post at some point so if they do they at least know the ball is in their court#gods though. cares about me as much as i do them‚ equally chaotic and prepped for impulse decisions‚ AND a complete smokeshow? if only.
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#I am so fucking much#There's no way any of this is real#There's no way every other minute here brings something new to be hurt and upset about#'Sorry I'm such a huge bitch today my mom told me I'm not allowed to eat'#i hear it. i know. I don't think this is real I think I might have invented a reality where my loving parents hate me for no reason#God I'm such a worthless bitch.#I'm so empty#I'm crying and wallowing as if I don't deserve any of this#None of this would be happening if I didn't deserve it#And it will only stop once I've properly paid for all the pain and trauma and inconvenience I've caused do many people#Have you ever seen your unique name under a list of triggers in a new server you joined with someone who hates you#Have you ever had to change your name because that name was only ever used to yell at you#I don't even deserve to kill myself like a pussy I deserve to stay living and take my punishment like I deserve#I don't deserve to cry and complain to people and manipulate them into feeling bad for me and telling me it's not my fault#I'm not a victim I'm a convict#I wish I could say I'll try to be better. We both know I never will.
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god i miss ethan hunt
#its not like. i miss ethan content or shit or movies or something. a couple months ago i could be sad and write myself half a page#of ethan giving my oc a hug and it would be peace and love on planet earth#i hate hate hate being in between fandoms because it makes coping with life way harder#i miss being so obsessed with kaz brekker that i could reread an old thing i wrote and make myself feel better.#i miss being so head-over-heels for nikolai lantsov that i could write for five minutes about him staring longingly at a painter who looked#like someone i wanted to be that it would make me feel better. i miss wanting lucy carlyle to give me a hug or being so into my own#network of ocs that writing fluff for two of them would brighten my mood.#god.#this is really fucking pathetic#here i am in 2024 wishing to be so obsessed with someone fictional that their thought could cheer me up. im such a fucking loser
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