#but depression does as it does and makes me question if im even good enough to get another job

[srldesigns6277]

.

[antiwhores]

Leaving - Bakugou x reader

———

Part 2

Bakugou lashes out at you and its your last straw. So you leave.

Heavy angst, no comfort cause we die like real niggas, domestic abuse (verbal/emotional), depression, fighting, disappointment,

Wrote this because I’m barely surviving rn 💀 i cannot relapse until Christmas and im fucking DYING !!! Anyway if yall want a part 2 lmk 😈

You’re depressed, so depressed that you can barely get out of bed to pee. Maybe you’re depressed because of the relationship, you cant tell. Maybe its the fact that you starve yourself every time he yells at you as a habit. Or maybe its the fact he doesn’t spend his days off with you anymore. He just goes out drinking with his friends or does whatever the fuck he does. Or maybe its the fact he doesn’t fucking care.

He only says mean things to you now.

“What the fuck? Why’re you so sad? You do nothing all day. You just sit in this house that I pay for. You’re not constantly almost dying, working hard.” He says this to you after he finds you crying in the guest room. You stay silent, its a battle that you dont have the energy to fight anymore.

The next day you go searching for a job. You confine in a friend and she gives you a job at her bookstore. She says that theres too locations you can work at. Apparently, she’ll be moving out of state to the next one soon and she invited you. She knew how horrible you felt. She was giving you an escape.

The next day you make dinner for Katsuki. You both sit down at the nearly abandoned dining table. It was refreshing for a few minutes, even though he didn’t involve himself in any of your conversation. You were just happy he wasn’t yelling at you.

You decide to drop the bomb after 5 minutes of eating. You could hardly contain your excitement when you asked him “Guess what?” He showed hardly any interest in you but some was better than none.

He looked up at you, signaling for you to speak. You beamed at him as you announced your new job. You immediately started to ramble about how cool it’ll be to get out and how excited you were.

You looked up at him and immediately stopped talking. He looked angry, his lip curled upwards and his brows furrowed.

You looked at him with confusion evident on your face. “What’s wrong?” You honestly didn’t expect this reaction. You were just stuck. Why was he angry when you’re finally doing something good?

“Do you think I’m just not capable of providing? I offer you money all the fucking time but you want a job? I give you enough and you dont use it unless its for food. What’s wrong with my money?”

His grip on the chopsticks folded them. You couldn’t even cry yet, you were just shocked. “I thought you’d like it? You always complain about me ‘freeloading’ off of you and how you pay all the bills. I could start paying too!”

You flinched as he slammed his fists against the table. “I don’t need your stupid fucking 9-5 money! Im the number 6 hero! You’re probably not even doing this for the rent. What do you want?”

No, no, no. This was not how this was supposed to go. He was supposed to be happy. And then you could be happy too. He would have asked you about your job and smiled and praised you. What is happening?

He jerked himself out of his seat and stomped over to you. You scooted yourself back away from him in the chair he grabbed it and held you still.

He pulled out his wallet and rummaged through it. “What? Do you want some of those stupid books? Some decorations for this house? A necklace?” You stared at him with wide eyes at he pulled out a wad of cash and shoved it into your chest.

“There, ya happy now? Still want that job?” He crossed his arms, waiting for you to respond.

He treated you as if you were a slut, a gold digger. You were with him before he was rich. How could he even think that? You were done.

You looked down at the floor as tears flooded your eyelids. “Do you think I’m only here for your money?” It was a question you knew you had to ask. You would be left curious and broken for the rest of your life if you didn’t know now.

“You know, I’m starting to think so.”

That was your last straw. You couldn’t do this anymore.

The giggles came out before the sobs. Tears streamed down your cheeks yet you still laughed. “The hell are you laughing for?!” Its like he was upset that you weren’t already screaming at him.

You looked up at him, meeting his eyes for the first time in what felt like years.

“Do you know how hard you are to love?”

He paused, opening and closing his mouth.

You slid off your ring and set it on the table. Then you gathered the money through blurry eyes. The sobs started to fill in when you shoved the money into his chest just as he had done to you. You watch his fall to the floor.

“I try and try my best. I get a job, I make you dinner, I give you everything I have.” You reach up to take off the necklace that had his initials carved into. “I defend you, I make enemies for you, I sacrificed friendships and family relationships just to please you. But its never enough.” You set the necklace down and go to the bracelet he gave you. “I never asked for any of this expensive shit. The only thing I asked for was your love.” You set the bracelet down with your resolve.

He’s staring at you now with a look of surprise. You meet his eyes again with a look he hasn’t seen directed at him ever. “I’m done, Bakugou. Im done.”

You dont even notice when you start to gather your charger and car keys. You dont hear anything he has to say. You don’t hear the pleas for you to just listen and calm down. You dont hear the insults he says when he calls you overdramatic. And you definitely don’t hear the apology, cause it never came.

You walked towards the door, “I’m gonna pick up the rest my stuff tomorrow.” He grabs your wrist just before you touch the doorknob. “Please y/n, just sit down for one fucking second. We can talk about this!” You yank yourself out of him hands, “Touch me again and I’ll scream.”

You knew he couldn’t afford anything else on his record, especially domestic abuse. He had to just watch as you walked away. And you fucking loved it.

[ultimateloserboy]

i said i would make this post, so here i am. here is the red guy analysis, starting with this qna answer from baker terry. i talked about this question before, it was “whos your favorite to write for?” and after a bit of debate the answer ended up being red guy for pretty much everyone. i mentioned that, but i left out this answer specifically because of how significant it is. im gonna go on a bit of a tangent here, but i promise itll come back around and make sense

this is what ive been saying about red guy!! hes been going through a constant character arc that never reaches its completion because he is torn down again and again. “hes sensible and together until he isnt” is such a good description, because he might be the MOST normal character but he isnt truly normal. not really. thats very important.

i think red guy is a realistic character, a very human character, and the thing about people is that we’re not as normal as we think. there are differences about all of us that don’t quite fit, and some of us moreso than others, but that is the true normal. true normal is to not be normal. that is what red guy represents to me. we relate to him and think he is sensible because he is, but that doesnt mean hes free of oddness altogether. thats what makes him even more relatable.

but he doesnt realize this, hes riddled with insecurity, and THATS what makes him the way he is. he doesnt quite fit anywhere. hes out of place in his own world, and hes out of place in every other world as well. he doesnt enjoy the house, and he tries to run, but even when he runs he doesnt like what he finds outside. he’ll never find a place where he perfectly fits. he’ll try, but he’ll fail.

but thats another thing. because he doesnt fit anywhere as he is, he usually tries to fit in instead. the characters around him (the fax machine thingy, the trash can, lily and todney) they all tell him that theres something wrong with him and the way he lives, that he could be better, that all he has to do is listen to them and he’ll be normal and respected. and so he does. he listens to them and tries his best to be happy with it. hell tell himself that hes normal and everyone loves him now. that weird people are below him, that nothing is wrong with him because hes perfect. he wont believe it, he’ll be unhappy playing pretend, but at least hes better than everyone else now. at least hes the most normal one. at least hes normal, right?

but then he’ll end up back home, and things will go differently tomorrow. there could be a day where hes waltzing around in clothes, masking who he is and pretending to like it. but then there could be a day where hes coming to terms, where he looks in the mirror and he doesnt care much what others think anymore. where he’ll say “im not supposed to wear clothes, this is the way i look” finally sticking up for himself. he’ll start being kinder, to others and himself. he’ll start being more honest, more open, more loving. he’ll still be as average and monotone as ever, but he’ll be slightly different. he’ll be happier with himself as he is, he’ll ACTUALLY like himself instead of just pretending.

but happiness doesn’t last in a house like theirs. his memory loss will rip away at the realizations he has. he’ll go right back to being bitter and miserable. i dont believe the house is in a timeloop, i hate that theory with a burning passion, but thats besides the point. timeloop or not, he’ll be built up, and then the next day he’ll be knocked back down. he never reaches a point where hes fully happy and i doubt he ever will. i doubt any of them ever will. it makes me so sad, but at least he gets close enough.

in conclusion, duck and yellow guy are very nonsensical and complicated characters, but red guy is too, just in a calmer and more easy-to-understand sense. just because hes the regular, human kind of complicated does not mean he isnt worth analyzing. i wish people would see him as more complex instead of just “relatable depressed tumblr sexyman” like if yall paid attention youd realize that yes, he pulls off the suit, but hes miserable in it. it’s literally him masking. i wish people paid more attention to these things. no shame if you dont, hes supposed to be a more chilled out character compared to the other two, so its natural that people wouldnt think as hard about him. but hes not as smart and reasonable as yall give him credit for, he is until he isnt.

or, if we want to go with the gayer conclusion:

hes YOUR babygirl because hes hot in a suit, but hes MY babygirl because he thinks electricity is magic. because hes an embarrassment to everyone around him. because he doesnt like wasting food or making a mess. because all he wants is a family, and he already has one, but its not normal or functional enough for him. because he smiles more often than everyone thinks. because hes actually kind of an asshole but duck outshines him in that department. because hes selfish and yet he dislikes himself. because he is complicated in the most human way, with a little bit of an inhuman thought here and there. because i am in love with him im just going insane now i need to shut this shit down. ive gotten my point across. goodbye, i love you ! (leaves you a spherical internet device which i created)

[grudgebird]

Rant about why I would have loved decay to have been Shigaraki's quirk (+musings about the future)

I mean it's still is 100% his quirk but him not being born with it is so disappointing to me. In 418 Tenko cries "why else would I have been born like this", only for the next chapter to answer such a heart-piercing question with "u weren't lol"…SUCH a cope-out omg.

Whew almost had to contend with reality that some kids manifest such horrible quirks as decay and horrible things happen because of it…thank god it was just a fault of this one dude (ughh)

In this very same manga we have examples of people accepting their quirks & assert that only they get to decide what is the meaning behind them, despite people trying to shove them into boxes. Shinsou using his "villainous" quirk be a hero <3 Shoto using his fire because it's HIS, not his father's <3 Eri, who was told she was born cursed, learning her power is like a knife - it can be dangerous but can also be used to make delicious food (I love that scene) <33 I've seen people saying that it would be repetitive for Tomura's arc end in the same way but I disagree. I thought that as the main antagonist, he is not only the final boss physically, but also the final boss thematically: His salvation could have been a culmination of the lessons we learned throughout the series, and a testament of their significance.

Tomura could have been the ultimate case of that setup. It's easy enough to tell Eri (someone with essentially super healing, who killed with it on accident) that she is born with a gift. But could you have told the same to Tomura (someone with hands that destroy everything, who used them to kill on purpose)? I guess we will never know. To have a man with destruction literally written in his genes, who was raised to believe there is something fundamentally wrong with his being, come to understand that only he can define his power, that he is not doomed because of the way was born. Aaaa it could have been so gooood :( What could have been a powerful story about self acceptance instead misses the mark completely (for me).

Ok FINE we also do have Toga's story incorporating this (with a few key differences) and we love her!! But it's still baffling to me that the main antag is doing a worse job at embodying the themes of the series than the supporting cast. Seriously, even if afo giving decay makes sense logically (it's in his character, it was foreshadowed, yadayada), what exactly does it add to the narrative, thematically?

+Not really a serious point but there was something so resonating about abused boy's hands turning to destroy everything they touch because, when no-one else cared to save him, he had to end the abuse himself. The same way it's resonating that a depressed man turned into a cockroach. It doesn't need a reason because it just makes sense that would happen. (magical realism my beloved)

Shigaraki's story could still end with him reclaiming decay and it would still be neat tho!!

Idk about that awakening of reconstruction thing…feels too much like "healing=good, destruction=bad" (im more of a "destruction can be used to do both good and bad things" typa gal (like using it to save people from under rubble and stuff like that)). I'm not ENTIRELY against it tho. (The league could really use a healer right now lol). +Shigaraki awakening hope for a better world coinciding with awakening the power of creation that was denied from him would be cheesy but also cute. But also uhhh - didn't decay first start to manifest when he was playing with Mon, shining smile on his face from the knowledge that his granny was a hero? So what would be the narrative reason for decay to manifest then, but reconstruction now? UNLESS that WAS reconstruction and he was actually repairing the ball from Mon's teeth marks?? Reconstruction coupled with regeneration opens the door for all kinds of messed up, gorgeous body horror <33 (Tomura using his own bodymass for overhaul, like healing someone's obliterated arm by ripping his own arm off and giving it to them lol it would be sooo mmmmhmm) (sidenote: Are we gonna see mangled overhaul vestige or what??)

While we are talking about cheesy metaphors…Shigaraki getting back his airwalk (if that is his og quirk) and learning to fly after being freed from the man who groomed him? HELL YEA that's what im all about. I don't like decay not being his og quirk, like I probably made clear lol, but this would be beautiful not gonna lie (im just a sucker for freedom symbolized by flight (imagine him tiptoeing through skies without care in the world like Howl from howl's moving castle….with a cape and everything…glamour off the charts))

[ryuichirou]

Replies

A big one about ships, a couple of follow-ups, a couple of random twst-related ones (there is one about yandere!Ortho)!

Anonymous asked:

i also notice that uhh, you ship f/f and m/m but not f/m? (I mean ofc twst has Three Women Total but ive heard of women in series you've liked before), does f/m feel weird to you? do you just happen to not ship any of it?? i mean im not judging or anything, i only like m/m LOL.

also on this topic, since ive been meaning to ask,. you only call katsu your partner, not anything gendered, so does that mean they're nonbinary?? (i assume katsu reads stuff on your blog/you read stuff together so KATSU PLEASE PLEASE INFLUENCE YOUR PARTNER TO DRAW MORE FISH NEOOWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Hi Anon!

We do have some het ships, but they really are rare. We talked about it at some point, here are the posts: 1, 2. Katsu was kind enough to find them… But it was ages ago (3 years ago, in fact), so I’ll talk about it again!

It isn’t weird for us to ship f/m; and if the dynamic is our “type”, we’ll very likely to gravitate towards the said ship. A good example of one of our favourite het ships is Eren and Annie from SnK. They have a lot of features and elements of our favourite m/m and f/f ships: one is passionate, determined, stubborn and a bit dumb (due to being blinded by his own determination), the other one is quiet, snarky, a kind of depressed and looks unapproachable, but actually has a soft spot for the first one.

And the girl doesn’t always have to be the “passive” one, because a lot of our favourite het ships could be described as “a bossy woman/a pushover guy that complains a lot”. Like Jordan Sullivan/Perry Cox from the tv series “Scrubs”.  So the guy bitches about how much of a Satan she is and how miserable she makes him, and he clearly knows just how villainous she could be, and yet for some reason the moment she stops torturing him with her attention, he is suddenly lost and confused. Basically, it’s either this, or the previous dynamic for the most part lol

If the ship is fun to play around with, we’ll ship it, even if it’s f/m. We don’t have anything against it in general. But we do have a bias towards f/f and m/m ships that is partially caused by the fact that our favourite dynamics are more likely to exist within those. And of course because the same sex ships are less likely to get canonized and therefore reduced to “happily ever after” in canon… which is something that we absolutely hate :(

And to answer your second question: Katsu isn’t non-binary; it’s just that the pronounces that we use are all over the place. It’s mostly due to the fact we use masculine form when talking to each other (and a lot of our friends) in Russian, mostly out of habit: a lot of people of our generation did (or still do) that either for the sake of sounding more neutral or because they used to roleplay male characters. I’m simplifying it a lot though; it’s kind of one hell of a can of worms that works differently for different people lol This is why you can really use any pronoun when talking about us, it doesn’t really matter that much. Katsu called me a “he” in one of the Nebula replies a couple of weeks ago lol and likes it more in general.

But technically Katsu and I are each other’s girlfriends. We can’t get married, so this status is permanent, but it doesn’t sound that serious, I guess.

And worry not, Katsu has heard your prayers… the other day we were actually shocked to learn that it’s been quite a while since we’ve posted anything fish-related, wow yikes! Gotta fix that!

Anonymous asked:

Hi, a little late but about the twst girls post... I still think about Jamil's vulva... her pink flesh stick out so shyly... that's the outcome of her hard work as Kalim's servant! haha 😵‍💫🤭🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷

Anooon! Thank you so much <3 I love talking about the twst girls very much, so I am very happy that you still think about it. I put my entire heart into Jamil’s…. yep. That part that Kalim looks at every time they take a bath together. And do other things.

We do have an ask about all the girlies’ private parts, and I am in the process of writing it. I really hope to finish it soon, and you just motivated me even more 💪😔💕

Anonymous asked:

The tapis rouge event isn't even over yet and I'm already wondering who they're going to choose if they decide to make an extra ssr card like silk Vil and applepom Jamil. Based on the group they have in this event, Floyd seems to be the most likely candidate. Maybe Ace and Jamil are feeling generous! I could also see Azul getting his hands on an extra outfit and just handing it to the tweels going "you guys can figure it out" and letting them decide. If I had to choose anyone, I would like for Azul to give it to Idia, just to see him uncomfortable in fancy clothes (also the fact that it's a gift from Azul... The ultimate betrayal!!!). Who would you choose?

Oh good question!!

I would love to see either Floyd or Jade, they would look great, especially Floyd, considering the fact that he is also quite a stylish guy lol I can also picture Azul just giving them an extra outfit so the tweels could fight for it. But even in that scenario Jade is going to let Floyd have it, I think….

However, for some reason if feel like they’re going to pick someone from a different dorm. So Idia actually would be a great pick. I feel like it’s been a while since he had Non-Birthday SSR cards..? I might be biased because I really love the guy and would LOVE to see him suffer while wearing high fashion. The more I think about it, the more I want this to actually happen wow lol

Anonymous asked:

sometimes I forget if I put myself anonymously. anyways, opinions on yandere Ortho? stuff like Ortho possibly messing with idias brain or TW:body modification

possibly changing his brothers body so they can be together forever? like replacing his limbs with robotic ones that type of stuff

You’re good, Anon; and if you suddenly realize that you wanted to send something via Anon, just tell us and we won’t post your username!

We talked about yandere Ortho quite a lot, here are some of the posts on this topic: 1, 2.

But actually! I believe we never really talked about things that you’ve mentioned, which is a shame, because this is such a hot idea. Saying goodbye to Idia sounds like something that Ortho would never want to happen, so he really might start modifying Idia’s body while he is still young. One day Idia is just going to wake up with his legs cut off, because Ortho suddenly decided that it’s time to start. Why didn’t he talk about it with Idia first? Well, it’s better to ask for forgiveness than ask for permission, right? Hehe~

Anonymous asked:

Re: Eric and the teachers meeting

Maybe during parent-teacher meetings? 👀

Could be! But this is too brief of a meeting I think… well, doesn’t matter, if we ever get the urge to ship Eric with anyone, we’ll find a way. 👀

Anonymous asked:

wait a minute. if those previous anons do take over jade and idias spot wont they end up together???

OH SHOOT YOU’RE RIGHT.

Damn. I hope those two Anons have fun. Jade will sit there and watch. And force Idia to also watch.

[tunaababee]

gonna get really sappy and DEEPLY tmi/personal about twenty one pilots on main so im gonna put it under a cut. i am cringe but i am free and clancy tour coming up is giving me Feelings

i've been a top fan since 2016. i initially had some resistance to them bc it was when Stressed Out was at its peak and like, yall know how oversaturation goes. even if its good, its fucking annoying by proxy. all the 12/13 year olds at my high school were into it. i was turning 17. and it was a really fucking rough year.

i've been deep into homestuck since i was about 14/15, but by age 16 i had branched out into text-based rp and met a guy from italy who i kind of had a situationship with i guess?? at the time?? idk if that's what the kids call it. (whenever i describe how many relationships ive had, i count this one as a 0.5) anyways. it eventually got to a point where he was emotionally abusing me for a period of about four months. it was brief, but intense, especially since im a fucking lovesick lonely teen at this point who doesnt know any better. he lovebombs me, talks to me and acts like i am his girlfriend, gets jealous and shitty if i talk about other people, but then the moment he goes and does the same shit i get told i'm the reason he was depressed, im the reason for his problems, etc. until he calmed down and placated me and won me over again. over and over, regularly, for four months. it was a lot for my little developing brain to handle.

i know people have had it longer, have had it worse, but it really left a lasting impact. i was left with a litany of abandonment issues, and self-esteem and image that was already bad was buried dead in the fucking ground. i wanted to die every single fucking day for those four months. he even told me, as i began to question my sexuality properly, that i couldnt be bi 'because i liked him'.

but he LOVED twenty one pilots. would quote their shit regularly. wore the merch. all that stuff.

by 2016 i'd managed to see clearly enough and have enough support from friends that i felt comfortable cutting him and his circle off permanently. and it was fucking hard. i didn't have a lot of irl friends at the time and it felt like my only support network. after i finally left, i was desperate to feel some semblance of control, take something back, my own personal little 'fuck you' i could carry in my heart.

with all the hype around them, i gave top a try. slowly eased my way in. i knew i was hooked when i heard Holding On To You for the first time. it made me feel like i could take back that control and find a light at the end of the tunnel.

i consumed everything they had put out after that. i saw them live at emotional roadshow sydney 2017, i was turning 18. i made so many new friends. i felt such hope in my heart. i sobbed so fucking hard when they played HOTY. they weren't the only reason i made it through, itd be naive to contribute everything to them when i've done a lot of work and so have the people around me, but they were like a lifeline to hold on to when things were hard.

i went and saw them again in 2018 for the bandito tour. i made my own outfit and was surrounded by people who had done the same. i made more friends, had more adventures. i was dropping out of high school the year that Trench released due to having the worst mental health i'd had probably since my abuse and felt so lost but it helped me feel a little more stable and grounded. like that light was still there.

a lot has happened since. i'll be 25 when i go see them in November, once again at Qudos Bank Arena in sydney. i'm in a happy relationship with someone i love who respects me. i'm doing things that make me happy. i'm happy. i've felt and experienced and lived and loved and lost and done so so so much since i was a scared 16 year old hearing them for the first time. i've gotten piercings and tattoos, something i never thought i'd do, and put their work permanently on my body. i'm so proud every time i see my tattoo on my arm. i genuinely love and accept myself exactly as i am, which is something i NEVER thought i'd do.

having Clancy come out nine years to the day from blurryface, an album that has been so deeply important to me in a lot of ways, gets me real misty. this entire tour gets me so misty. i didn't think i'd live past 18 at BEST. but i'm here and i'm fucking happy.

genuinely cannot emphasise how much this album and this tour means to me. i plan on getting a Clancy tattoo once the album comes out and i've had some time to sit with it. it feels very full circle, i guess. hearing Next Semester has just had me thinking about this constantly and all weepy all the time haha. but a good weepy.

i cannot fucking wait to scream in a stadium full of people again in a way that heals my heart.

[purgemarchlockdown]

For the ask game !! 2 and 9 for Amane 25 for Muu 8 for Kotoko

I'm a bit tired (I haven't eaten the whole day, Im about to though dw) so this might be shorter than you'd like! Sorry about that!

Amane:

2. Favorite canon thing about this character? Everything about her next question-

(Cat Symbolism if you Really Had to make me choose)

9. Could you be roommates with this character?

Yeah, she acts like younger me and I have a younger sibling.

The question is would she tolerate being roommates with me, person who talks for 5 hours unprompted and says that I'll be "done quickly" even though I never am.

Muu:

25. What was your first impression of this character? How about now?

I've said before INMF was my first impression of Milgram generally. I remember it really clearly.

Me: Oh huh this is some really pretty animation, she seems like an ass but that's entertaining to- oh my god she killed someone. Oh??? What???? *checks comments* This is a series?????

I think of her more sympathetically now compared to before. I still think she's...a questionable person but also everyone here is a questionable person morally. Extremely enjoy her and her cycle.

Kotoko:

8. What's something the fandom does when it comes to this character that you despise?

Coming here swinging huh- this is a weird grip with Kotoko discussion I Have. I think we focus too much on how the actions are bad and why she does them, without fully examining her mindset and ideology? If that makes sense?

She sits in the same boat with my feelings about how people view Shidou. Those actions come from genuine places of grief or depression or self-hate yes but they aren't...just that. Their part of a character's wider ideology.

Kotoko being self-hating and wanting to get rid of the "dirty" parts of herself...does not change the fact that the way she's doing it is by eliminating the people SHE sees as dangerous, degenerate and destructive. It's why I'm trying to get more confident in just calling her a fascist. I like how Milgram forces us to realize that the "monsters" are not really...separate from us. That there's nothing really separating us from falling into those mindsets. But to do that we have to acknowledge what those mindsets Really Are? If that makes sense.

Kotoko is ableist, Kotoko is misogynistic, Kotoko aligned with the system of Milgram. These are all important parts of her character.

When Kotoko hates "evil" she's describing Groups of people she considers inherently flawed in some way and thus needs to be eradicated for the greater good.

This mindset is self-destructive, no one can be perfect enough for Kotoko, least of all Kotoko. But it harms So Many People outside of her.

Admittedly, Kotoko is more personal to me, uh- I know for a fact that ten year old me would of been murked by her. I also know ten year old me wanted to hurt everyone who hurt her. This colors my view of her significantly. I try my best to be kind to her but that really weighs on me sometimes.

...That got sadder than I meant it to be.

[melissa-titanium]

hrng. the bane of my existence is decidijgnbetween drawing n slightly shorter than v OR slightly taller. i tjink J is the shortest so shes out of the question but making n tall is cliche BUT making v tall to me is like making myself short and i cannot be short. i cant be short id aftually rather get hit by a truck. v taller is funnier but n taller is Good for my brain + also works eith how i draw him. v is more stout and square while n is gangly as fuck and uzi is a happy medium being kind of short but SHARP with lots of tendrils/longer bits. also i feel loke as ive drawn doll & realized she looks like a twilight sparkle gijinka ive actually started to fall hard into that which is Undesirable. if shes a gijinka of anyone it better be maud pie on steroids. rules for my doll design; square. well kept enough that you aren't immediately weirded out but not well kept enough that suspicions dont start to arise when you look a little closer. doesn't smile enough for her teeth to poke out, but theyre longer than uzi's; she never had correction like uzi did. wearing a headband to be remniscent of dds. all her outfits are off-shoulder bcos she will overheat if not. two lines down her cheeks to look like "doll cheeks"??? cyn also has these but theyre meant to be more puppetlike. i usually try to dapple in lore elements in designs but thats just cosmetic. um. what else. AH OK. scarcely expressive, but when she is its ALL OUT. this is kinda canon actually. every time we see her express save for two instances that i can think of. shes totally deranged. killing the student @ the start of promening. fucking wit v. running away in dead end. like in every other instance sjes either :| or >:| but then when she ACTUALLY expresses shes like HHRHAHAHRRHWGWEORORWGGER. RABID ANIMALEWOROORIEUWWYGWG. hrng but then againnthis is a lot to think about when im. judt drawing & doodling. i need to find a good middleground between doodling and looking decent. NO I JUDT NEED TO FIND OUT HOW TO DRAW FASTER. i think too much WHEN im drawing but i ened to be doing the thinking BEFORE i draw. ugh i dont even know if this is artblock or not i think its my depression OK WOW majorly offtopic. i know ep 7 will make me insanely diseased 2morro so ill be good. dpring break too WOOHOO!!! i ended up clearing some dms today because. its. been lokg enough. but also i honestly dunnou if i will be checking shit during spring break. homework. maybe summer? not 2 far away. but then again thats when i will be taking drivers ed. hrrng. what EVAR. ill figuer it out :) i think im done. my head is most active when im forced to sleep so i need to ramble or ill go crauzysauce!!!!!! 2 say i am not a morning dragon would be tha understatement of the century. what 14 years of a sporadic peeper schedule and 2 years of no school does 2 a mfucker

ok anyways. ep seven. smile

[sewercentipede]

hello pretti human ^.^ i am interested in ket, i hope you dont mind me asking some questions... what does ketamine do for you? How long does a trip usually last? And is the trip more chill than for example mushrooms or LSD, I am a big advocate for mushrooms but I feel like I need to prepare a lot just for one trip, it takes a whole day and I need to book time away somewhere because I don't feel comfortable doing it around my flatmates, does ketamine bring similar benefits without being as 'deep' if that makes any sense? Thank you in advance!

hello! <3

1. I detail roughly what ketamine feels like based on dosage in this post but i don’t go too too much into *what it does for me*. so ill expand more now on that.

ketamine, being a dissociative, is really good at dulling, numbing, and at high enough doses even transforming into pleasure, the sensation of pain. this makes it a godsend for my crohns. nothing else even comes remotely close to the pain relief I get from ketamine when it comes to abdominal pain or during a flare. so it is a miracle drug for me. it’s also amazing with depression—in an acute sense—especially good at shutting down really intense/acute depression and suicidal thoughts even at super low dose (for eg: i was really depressed one night during a time when I was hypomanic and I felt really reckless and planned to self-harm, but then I did a line or 2 of ketamine and almost immediately all those feelings were replaced with a deep sense of calm, of everything being fine, that I was okay and i no long had any desire to do anything irrational. In more mild-moderate depression (not actively suicidal, but hopeless and can’t get out of bed vibe), ketamine is like… an immediate boost to mental wellbeing.. it helps me appreciate life as it is and the ppl in it and it makes me feel hope.

Ketamine has long been known medically/pharmacologically as a first-line therapy for treatment-resistance depression but until recently was only used in rare and emergency cases, probably (im guessing) due in part to the fact that its antidepressant effects wear off when it wears off, for the most part. In the last few years however ketamine has become a whole area of specialization in the realm of psychiatry particularly for things like depression and eating disorders, with ketamine clinics and doctors prescribing ketamine infusions (IV ketamine sessions done regularly, from twice a week to once every 2 weeks), or IM (intramuscular injection) ketamine sessions.

when I did an IV ketamine infusion (as a very depressed and anxious individual) it was incredible, I felt real joy and gratitude and appreciation and love and the ability to just enjoy the present moment and “be here now” for the first time in a long long long time. this can be achieved through other ROAs with ketamine but IV is the most intense.

when my husband did an IM ketamine session he k-holed and when he came back he said “I saw my entire life” and couldn’t really explain it further but he said that it changed his perspective on his life a lot. as soon as he got up from the K-hole he went “I understand!” Lol, but what he understood was for him alone to know.

when my dad did IM ketamine the first time the dose was too low to hole, but it made him very emotional, talk about his childhood trauma, his recently deceased mom with whom he had a super complicated relationship, etc. ketamine will do that too at low doses, it’s kinda like a release valve for trapped emotions especially grief and I think that happens to some people whose depression cuts them off from their emotions (it did The same for me when I did a medium dose after my grandpa died and it made me emotionally purge A LOT of grief). his second IM session on a higher dose made him k-hole and he became a bodyless observer going through and inside and above and around the earth. he never revealed whether or not it gave him any insight but I imagine for a guy like him (tormented by his mind) it was a nice reprieve.

the dissociative effect of ketamine makes you detach, from everything, in layers/to degrees, your thoughts, feelings, worries, mindset, your physical feelings, your body, yourself entirely; and in this detachment clarity can be found. wisdom from that clarity can be found.

2. most ROAs of ketamine last no more than 1 hour, often 45 minutes to 1 hour. After 1 hour you will basically not feel any effects anymore (although with high dose there may be lingering motor coordination effects). doing a ketamine IV infusion however (which is done at a doctors office) will last longer (closer to 3 hours) because the full ketamine dosage is being administered slowly. sublingual lozenge ketamine I also notice while have far more subdued effects, lasts longer (2-3 hours). and just straight up IVing ketamine I think also lasts a bit longer than the 1 hour (but that depends on dose too and I’ve only done a pretty high dose that way so that could be why it lasted 1.5-2 hours.) For insufflated and IM ketamine, at whatever dose reaches k-hole, it’s the standard 1 hour max.

3. Girlllllllllll don’t even get me started on mushrooms and LSD in that regard like oh my god. I can’t do shrooms without mentally and physically preparing for like a week beforehand. it’s excruciating otherwise. And it absolutely requires planning a whole day around it (carving out time AND having a good place to do it at, that wont potentially cause a bad trip).

Ketamine isn’t like that at all…… ketamine is so fucking chill. It’s not a grueling emotional experience wherein you’re traversing the labyrinth of your mind and battling your mental pitfalls or whatever. It’s more like you’re being freed of your mind and body and letting the ketamine work its magic on you.

First of all it’s an NMDA-antagonist (dissociative), not a seratonergic psychedelic, so you won’t be having those weird seratonin effects (anxiety, paranoia, sweating, jaw clenching, feeling wired and awake, having funny tummy -or urge to shit- on the come-up, etc). there’s no come up or comedown, it’s altogether very gentle and chill, evornment only matters insofar as dosage. If you want to keep it at real low doses, you can do it anywhere. If you want to do moderate to high doses, you can do it at home or a friends house but not in public (you want to be able to lie down in a safe environment). The state of the room or house doesn’t matter (idk bout you but on shrooms or acid, if im in a house and the house isn’t clean it fucks with me. Ketamine doesn’t care). you can do it around other people without you yourself being affected negatively by their presence whatsoever (if they don’t know you’re on ketamine they might be confused as to why you’re walking like a drunk robot). and you can sleep as soon as it’s over. The k-hole if anything is extremely euphoric for me, not like mdma euphoria, its different, but my god it is euphoria.

however i have heard the occasional experience of the hole being scary particularly at too-high IM doses (my BIL after a high dose IM ketamine session said he “turned into atoms and got torn apart” and the intensity of it frightened him; he kinda has control issues though and did double the normal dose of IM ket, so it does not surprise me). In other cases of bad k-holes its 99.99% of the time people accidentally k-holing at festivals, i hear it’s very unpleasant, and I imagine it would be! but that’s what you get when you don’t respect ketamine by doing too much at a festival or rave so I have no sympathy for that lol.

4. This is a bit hard to answer. Does ketamine bring similar benefits without being as deep…. Yes and no? It’s very hallucinogenic, moreso to me than lsd or shrooms, but in a very very different way. It can bring perspective shifts and insight like the other two can. But again, in a different way. I would say yes it does this stuff without being as deep, mentally, emotionally. It doesn’t feel like “work” the way shrooms or lsd do, and is less interested in forcing you to confront and overcome your thought patterns in real time. your mind and awareness is not really necessarily what the work ketamine does is dependent on. When it comes to what we know about the effect of longterm microdosing mushrooms on depression and cluster headaches (and anxiety I believe?), I don’t think ketamine has a similar effect… I could be wrong though. I don’t know the effectiveness of longterm ketamine IV infusion therapy personally; anecdotally ive heard both “this saved my life” and “this did nothing”. Then again, shrooms for depression also doesn’t necessarily work on everyone either. So yeah idk, that’s my take.

One thing though, chronic ketamine use will affect your bladder. Like itll kill bladder cells. We see this mostly only in ketamine addicts (doing lots of ketamine daily for years type of people), but it makes me wonder for people who do regular infusions for years what the possible long term effects on their bladder might be. And also makes me advise against ketamine use if you have existing renal/bladder impairment. But If this doesn’t apply or you’re not planning to snort a lot of ketamine everyday for a long time then this isn’t something I’d worry about. But I feel like I should mention it all the same.

[notetosunshine]

too self aware

every possibility has been thought of in my mind.

"I think my friends hate me"

You have all right to be upset. But it could just be your bipolar depression. Maybe you're having an episode. Remember the things your friends have done for you? How could they hate you? Or what if they're only keeping you around because you're funny? You bring more burdens than benefits. They're not like that though. Like lets be real, no one does what they do for you to people they dont like. But what if people thought those things before they found out their friends hated them? youre not unique. if you were pretty you wouldnt feel this way. how would they treat you if you were pretty? what would they say? would things change would i change and they hate me for it? this is all just chatter in your brain and you dont actually believe any of this. but what if some of it is true? do you think they really care? how do i console them? i dont know how to be a good friend. Another reason as to why they may hate you. they dont hate you. they even like you. will we even last forever? would they cry if i killed myself? youre being dramatic. youre making yourself upset. you dont believe any of those things and once your level headed you'd realize how it doesn't even make sense. stop overthinking. but you can never know anyones true intentions. you hear people put up with people they hate and kill them in the end or cheat on them or ghost them. they were friends with them for so long and finally had enough. when will they have enough of you? youre disposable. when the friendship breaks apart where will you go? no one wants to talk to you outside of a groupchat. how come? no one asks you questions or comes to you for advice because youre useless. you should literally like so hashtag kill yourself but like dont. im so tired. i dont understand anything. what if you just stop talking to them? maybe give them another petty stupid test and get mad when they stop asking or caring and then drag it out further, ignore them for longer until they cave in and check on you and then your sick little mind gets affirmed and you talk to them again. boy who cried wolf. loveed that movie. yeah anyways your friends dont hate you. they may hate each other though. but whatever. thats another days panic.

[clockworkreapers]

How will the main 6 be in a universe where the hemospectrum got swapped (rust become the highest while fuchsia the lowest)?

Hmm Iv done a blood swap before where I flip their blood colors but haven’t ever actually thought about a full social spectrum flip. Also I have a lot of questions on how that would work population wise is- like now are rusts are more rare and live longer and are more durable and fuchsias are abundant and live a short amount of time and are weak?

Just questions with the social swap but I’m going to say everything swaps then including all the biological stuff besides like mental powers and shit that relate to blood.

Sauron: he’d be royal and part of a very small circle right? So he’d have a lot of power and probably be a lot more emotional and softer since he’s allowed to be and people care about his well-being. Less afraid of the world around him but still enough for his anxieties to creep in when it’s “how do people view me, am I doing a good job.” He really wouldn’t have had as much bad luck growing up or in his adult life cuz the consequences for his actions would be so much lighter, less scars less mistrust of other trolls, less damage to his psyche. He’d still have his mental issues though, having depression and anxiety because your brain chemicals are fucky wont change if your social status does.

Falmea: see if she had none of the experiences and saw none of the shit she did growing up as one of the lowest social classes she would be so different. She’s still be brash and loud and very hot headed because that’s just her personality but the violence and the anger she harbors wouldent be there cuz she doesn’t need to fight to survive she doesn’t need to be the tough badass bitch that will fuck you up if you cross her. She’s probably be also way more oblivious to how the world works cuz well her life is going fine, she’s be the energetic entertaining outgoing loud friend at parties who can do whatever she wants.

Cyrusk: he would very likely stay military for the rest of his life get up in the ranks maybe even become one of the top ranks and get most of his time off just directing and organizing other trolls. He’d be pretty damn happy, higher social class im guessing he’d get more help for his disabilities so he’d get a much better prosthetic for his leg and his eye and left ear so he wouldn’t be half blind and def. He’d be a lot more comfy but maybe a bit more prone to indulgence and parties cuz he’s still an extrovert who really likes company.

Cybele: well she’s olive so she won’t much change being just bumped up like the equivalent of jade I guess? Hey maybe that means she can finally be a nurse! She’d absolutely love to be able to help people more, no matter how dirty the job is or how long helping people is always very rewarding to her the amount of work doesn’t matter. Both other than that I don’t think she would change at all.

Majell: she would be higher low class right? She’s probably be a bit less proper and a lot more aware of social issues cuz as much as Majell tries to understand and is part of that ecosystem she usually has a lot more power even then and can be a bit oblivious. If it’s flipped however yeah she is going to get that first hand experience, she’d likely try to push against it more strongly be more outspoken, more actively trying to make a difference in the system.

Helstm: He would be a lot different his core personality would still be there he’s still be a bit standoffish hed be a lot more “willing” to listen to people and do what he’s told cuz he’s have less grounds to just do what he wants. He’d be a lot more grown up personality wise because he would need to mature faster. I feel like because of that he’d have a much higher work ethic and probably be even more of a natural macgyver because he won’t have access to the expensive stuff. Without all his money and anything to his name or social status.

[equallyshaw]

𝓪𝓵𝓵 𝓲 𝔀𝓪𝓷𝓽. - 𝓺𝓾𝓲𝓷𝓷 𝓱𝓾𝓰𝓱𝓮𝓼.

Inspire by miss o. rodrigos: all I want.

pt 2 to brutal:

Sour Masterlist:

you don't have to read that part, BUT it might clear some things up. but i also might do a 3rd part since, the ending is a cliffhanger not gonna lie lol

Warnings: swearing. actions aluding to sex.

Word Count:

I found a guy, told me I was a star

He held the door, held my hand in the dark

And he's perfect on paper but he's lying to my face

Does he think that I'm the kinda girl who needs to be saved?

After 2 months of going back and fourth with Quinn, and trying to figure out his feelings, I got nowwhere. I even brought in Ellen to help with the situation, but again- nothing. He was like me in a lot of ways, quiet, broody, impeccably stubborn and again- broody. Ellen couldn't get it out of him, hell I even bribed Luke with $100 in chipotle money to help me out, but nothing worked. I got sick and tired of waiting around, even after we 'fixed' our friendship. So I completly moved on with my life, moving from Plymoth to Chicago and started a new job within the summer. It was now october, and between last July to to now, I had found somebody who actually was all in.

I was on my way home from a late night at work, having been sucked into after work drinks, I called for the door of my apartment to be held open, instead of trying to grab my key. The stranger obliged, and he introduced himself to me on the elevator up. I then saw him again, a few days later grabbing a coffee from the lobby. I smiled at him, grabbing my own and he asked me to take the coffee to the rooftop, and I accepted.

And god, he is perfect. He was doing everything right. He was kind, a gentleman, sweet, funny, not afraid to show his emotions, and overall pefect. He wasn't afraid to show who he was, he was honest. Such a drastice differance from Quinn and the guy I had previously dated. Trevor was everything I was looking for in a guy and somehow got extremely lucky. And for once, I have somebody 'normal' in my life. Who has a set fucking schedule, and can make plans for two weeks out.

Now it was October, and I kinda have a funny feeling about him.

"I think he's talking behind my back." I confessed to a friend who I met through work. She froze, looked over and gave me her full and undivited attention. "I think he might be atleast just acting shady. Like, when he first met me I was a different person. Trying to get over Quinn once and for all, and having those three months were blissful. And like, when he met me I was almost over him. And now, I don't see Trevor as like a filler if you wanna call it that. I see him differently now, but I think he thinks im still fragile? Like im depressed and like ill always be depressed, but not that depressed. Y'know? He's perfect, but im not a damsel in distress. I don't need to be saved, by a guy no less. Quinn knew that, he didn't push me. Especially in our last conversation." I confessed and she nodded, comforting me. "I just want a good guy, somebody to love me unconditionally. somebody to always be there for me, and like I should be enough for myself. but somedays I don't think I am." I added and she wrapped her arms around me. Quinn reminded me in our last conversation, that I needed to be there for myself above all else.

[March 31st.]

"Are-are you leaving?" Quinn questioned walking into my air bnb. I had been staying in Vancouver since the end of Olympics pretty much. I had only spent five days in Detroit before heading up here. I was happy to be leaving, especially to leave the ever confusing Quinn Hughes. "Hmm mmm." I responded, shutting my suitcase. "Were you gonna tell me or just leave?" He questioned coming over to the bed, grabbing my hands to stop me from moving. This is the first time in years, he had held my hands like this. I froze, looking down at them and then back up to him. He let them go, and I sighed walking back out into the living room. He followed suit, and we sat on the couch across from one another. "I need to leave. I can't keep doing this. I need to move on with my life, Im leaving for Chicago." I confessed and he moved forward, trying to study me. "Can't keep doing what?" He asked, confused. I shook my head, "Quinn, if you hadn't noticed I've changed my flight three times since getting here. I have stayed, because I wanted to be around you. I wanted to be with you. Yet, you are still the ever confusing Quinn Hughes I fell for all those years ago. So with that, I just have to leave." I exclaimed. He looked at the floor, and I could see the gears turning a mile a minute. Trying to process what I had said and everything that had gone on this past month. I sniffled back some tears, and he whipped his head up to face me. He looked at me with a thoughtful look. "God, I really need to go." I said standing up. "Wait." He said softly grabbing my hand, and I turned back towards him. "I have to go Quinn, I need to be on my own for awhile. I need to find myself, and love myself away from skating." I said looking at the ground, before looking at him. He fought back tears, his jaw tighenting as he pushed some hair back behind my ear. His hazel eyes (i cant find his eye color lol) twinkling as I look at him, "Im sorry that Ive been distant this past month. I get it, and yes- I did see the way you acted, and I am sorry that I didn't show or tell you how I felt. But. I do think that you should figure out who you are away from the sport. I want you to learn to forgive yourself from regret and mistakes you think you made. I want you to learn to love yourself, more than ever, you need to. You need to be there for yourself, ok?" he questioned bring his hands to my face and I nodded, barely holding on to the tears that were going to pool out any second. He nodded, before pulling me in for a hug. I needed to leave.

[October]

I sat on the edge of my bed, debating if I wanted to even go to dinner with my friends. It was a much needed, fancy ass treat for us corporate gals. I sighed, pushing my brunette hair behind my shoulders and walking out to grab my bag. I walked out of my apartment, not before straighening my black dress that curved in the perfect spots, with black stilletos. My makeup and hair were done the way I loved it, so much different than competition makeup. I walked out, stopping by my boyfriends apartment on the ride down, to say goodnight. I knocked, waiting patiently for him to open the door. He opened it, smiling and pulling me inside. "Woah, you look gorgeous." he said taking my whole outfit in. I nodded, blushing. "Thankyou, Trev." I mused, giving him a quick peck. "Ill see you tomorrow morning, for brunch ok?" I said and he nodded, waving me off. "Be safe, let me know when you get home." He yelled as I walked out, while confirming I would.

I pulled up the the valet on the chicago river, thanking the valet as I walked past. I headed into the greek restaurant, my favorite, and made my way to the bar. The hostess nodding as I walked past, and then hearing, "How does she get to walk in? She's literally a nobody." I froze, walking back to the hostess and slipped her a twenty, for her troubles. I shook my head, and continued towards the bar and saw the familiar bartender and she nodded, already starting my drink. Let's just I come here a lot, and they know me pretty well now. Besides, I did tip very well when I did.

"Y/N!!!!" I heard behind me, and I smiled turning around to my friends. We all hugged, before they motioned towards our usual table and I nodded grabbing my martini and following them. We sat down, not bothering with the menus and started talking about our week. The four of us work for different companies and brands, so we understand one another for the most part but since we work in different fields, we always enjoy catching up with one another. It was nice for once, being able to be still and not have to worry about what I nedded to do next and what not.

"Okay, who the hell is staring at you?" Bella said pointing past me, as I sipped on my drink. I turned around in my seat, being so non chalant and quite frankly not caring. I noticed a tall blonde and cringed, that was elias. I internally yelled fuck, and moved on to who was staring at me. motherfucker Quinn. I swallowed, sighed and turned back around. "Do you know him?" Bella questioned and I nodded. "He's my ex from michigan who also happens to play in the nhl." I said swinging back the rest of my martini and taking in the bitterness. "Im getting something else, you need anything?" I questioned the girls and they shook the head no. I nodded, standing up and walking over towards the bar again. I smiled, asking for straight gin on ice. I sighed looking at the bar, and cursing the universe. I really didn't want to see him tonight. I began to walk back towards the bar, keeping my head looking straight on. Not wanting to see him or anybody in that group. Especially the dude, that made fuss about me walking in straight to the bar.

All I want is love that lasts

Is all I want too much to ask?

All I want is a good guy

Are my expectations far too high?

All I have is myself at the end of the day

But shouldn't that be enough for me?

I sat back down, digging into the veggie and hummus plate. "Ordererd you usual." Rosa confirmed, and I nodded thankfully. "So what's going in with you and Trev? The text you sent in the group chat, seemed off. Like unlike him." Alicia questioned, and I sighed. I sat back in my chair a bit, and shrugged. "I was explaining to my coworker Nina about it yesterday. Like, when he first met me- I was SO close to getting over Quinn for once and for all and so he saw me when I wasn't at my highest like I am now and he doesn't realize I am not as fragile as I was before. Well, not fragile but you know what I mean." I rambled, sipping some more of my drink. "But he seems so sweet! But like also, you aren't a damsel in distress. He shouldn't be at your beck and call like that, well he should be because your you but you know what I mean." Rosa respondeded and I nodded. "Like he's perfect on paper, but I don't need to be saved. I've already saved myself."

And there's one more boy, he's from my past

We fell in love but it didn't last

'Cause the second I figure it out he pushes me away

And I won't fight for love if you won't meet me halfway

A little while later, we were back on me and my love life. "But seriously, I just want somebody that fits me and who I am. I don't want to be one foot in and one foot out. I want to be sure. And no I was never like that with my last boyfriend after Quinn. I didn't even wanna move in with him after three years. Am I aiming for something too high. Am I asking too much out of somebody or expecting too much?" I confessed, running a hand through my hair and sipping my drink. "NO!" Alicia said first, "No, you are not expecting too much. Don't you dare feel like you have to settle for somebody. Settle for somebody that isn't Quinn." She said, peeking at the other girl's reactions. She was right. I shook my head, sighing. "I can't have him, he's probably not available anymore. When I went for the weekend to my parents, they said that they had seen an extra girl hanging around the family when they went to the lake. They looked cute apparently, and like I can't hold out hope for him. Not anymore." I winced. Rosa shook her head, "But didn't he wait for you? Like didn't he not move on?" She questioned and I nodded. "But we aren't getting any younger, so he's probably moved on. Which is a good thing. We didn't stay together for a reason, who knows if we were just too young to keep it going or that he wasn't into me as I was. I can't fight for somebody who doesn't want it all. That one month with him, doesn't change anything. I won't fight for somebody who doesn't meet me in the middle. Who doesn't put in the energy or time or fucking words." I said, quite frankly done with the conversation. "Well, here's to us and our single lives forever!" Bella beamed clinking our glasses together. Shouldn't that be enough? Why do I have a heavy feeling in my stomach?

All of us headed out towards the valet, with mine coming up first. "Ill text you guys tomorrow for next week." I mused, handing money to the valet. I thanked them, and hopped in my car. I waited a second to pull out, because people were walking in front of me. I sighed, staring straight at them, hoping they would hurry up. I watched them as they finally moved past my car, and I drove off. My music started as I pulled off, heading back into the city. I decided I wanted to drive on lakeshore, so I made my way around the city so I could go past Navy Pier, heading back into the gold coast area.

God, seeing Quinn tonight has messed with my head. I couldn't stop thinking about him throughout dinner, honestly getting lost in my thoughts.Thoroughly, just sitting back at dinner and not saying much. The girls knew that seeing him, rattled me, I had explained to them a few months back when we all met at a Pilates class, about somebody from Michigan- never explicity saying his name, and how much he affected me. Constantly thinking over and over, what I did wrong, what he did wrong, and everyhting afterwards. We were just simply, young and dumb. But, the ever brooding man just couldn't escape my mind.

My phone dinged, signaling that somebody had texted me.

[Q: sorry didnt mean to stare at you. didn't know u were there till brock pointed you out. apparently he didn't recgonize you when you first walked in.]

[y/n: yep. called me a nobody which is fine, but the fucking entitlement to speak to a hostess like that was uncalled for.]

[Q: oh i know, as soon as i heard about that i def game him an earful. ]

[y/n: oh good. because, ellen would not enjoy hearing that you didn't do anything or that you contributed to it.]

[Q: oh god, dont remind me. but anywho, did you possibly want to meet up rn? i still have sometime before curfew...]

I sighed, bitting my lip. My finers strumming against the steering wheel as I drove past the lake, not taking in the view at all. Fuck, I wanted to see him.

[y/n: yeah, how about the soho house? we can speak in private.]

[Q: ill meet you there.]

I turned off the drive and made my way into the city, towards the west loop near the united center. As soon as I arrived, I pulled into the valet and headed inside grabbing a corner seat.

I sat down, rubbing my hands on my thighs, trying to brush away some guilt and anxiety. Stop, nothing more than friends seeing one another. Just for an hour, and then ill be in my bed. I got up, walking over towards the bar/coffee bar and ordering a decaf expresso. I'd need it.

Quinn walked in, looking around and looked adorable, looking at the somewhat bare cafe. I smiled, throwing him a hand as I walked back to my seat. Expresso in hand. "Hi." I said sitting down across from him. He smiled softly, as a waiter came over. "Ill have a decaf too." he said and the waiter went away.

Quinn stared at my hands, waiting for one of us to say something. I chuckled softly, rubbing my eyes. "How have you been Quinn? How is the season going so far?" I questioned sipping my drink. "It's good. I think this year will be good. And i've been doing great. Things have been looking up, you?" He questioned setting his drink down on the saucer. I nodded, "Its been great too. I love it here, I love my job, my group of girls. It's been amazing thus far. Ive even visted it my parents more than once." I mused and he smiled. "So you paid a visit to cruella huh?" He joked and I gigged. "Yes! I made sure to keep any and all dogs out of sight." I grinned, placing my cup to my lips before sipping. "Can I ask you a question, Q?" I questioned, gaging his response. He nodded unsurely, "Did you feel like coming after me? After I left? Did you have any doubt about how we left things?" I asked, unsure of the answer.

And I miss the days

When I was young and naive

He looked down at the table, before speaking. "I did. But, I knew you deserved better so I let you go. I knew that you needed to be here, and have a life away from skating, away from team usa, away from me. For once in your life." He stated. I shook my head, god I hate this boy sometimes. "What?" He questioned, softly grabbing my hand. I looked back up towards him, "How could you have been so blind? How didn't you see that you were everything I wanted back in 2018 and now? Why didn't you come after me or fight for me? Why didn't you protect me? Don't sit here and say for one minute that I need a life away from you and everyhting. When I already have! I've been living my life away from you, while I have been begging the universe to have you back in my life. I wanted you then, and I want you more than ever now. So don't say you weren't good for me, you were." I rasped, pulling my hand away. He could see the tears forming in my eyes and drew a shaky breath. "But we were young-" I cut him off, "Yes. We were young and naive. God, I miss those days when everyhting was new and sudden and innocent. Because, atleast I had you." I rasped, sitting up and grabbing my bag. By now the whole room had cleared, plus the bartender. Quinn grabbed my arm softly, to stop me. I looked down at it, before looking up at him.

He was now standing in front of me, and all I wanted to do was grab ahold of him in fear, he would disappear.

"I miss those days too, more than you know." he softly spoke, before doing what I had wanted him to do for so long. He kissed me with urgency, bringing us closer together. I wrapper my arms around his neck and smiled into it. I wanted him, and only him.

We broke apart, gathering our breaths. "I don't want you to leave." I murmured. He hummed in agreemant, before taking my hand and walking us out into the hotel lobby. "Wait - what are you doing?" I asked Quinn as he walked us up to the front desk. "Good evening, can we get a room for two for tonight?" Quinn asked, and the front desk lady could tell I was confused. She smiled softly, reaching for a room key and Quinn settled the rest.

We took the elevator up, not being able to be more than six feet apart. He kissed my neck, causing me to giggle. "Woah there huggy, how much did you have to drink?" I grinned, pulling him off the elevator and to our room.

We walked into our room, immediately pulling off our shoes and his jacket. I paused for a second, pulling at my zipper, which started coming undone instantly. I then felt his warm hands, move my hand so he could pull it the rest of the way down. Hands softly pulled my dress off, and I stepped out of it. I turned around and grinned, unbuttoning his dress shirt as he worked on his pants. We were two teenagers in love. Running from the wolves. High on adrenaline, alcohol and the act of sneaking around.

He pulled me in, walking us back towards the bed and I giggled as he pushed us onto it. I turned over onto my side, so I could straddle him. I placed my hands on his chest, and held them there for a second to take in this moment. This moment, we had been waiting for for years. It was actually happening again.

"You ok?" He asked tracing a soft hand on my thigh, making me feel even more comfortable. I nodded smiling, before reconnecting our lips.

It was the following morning, as I laid in the hotel room alone, where I couldn't help but feel on cloud 9. Quinn had left an hour after we slept together, and he told me to keep the room for the night. He told me that he wanted to see me again before he left this afternoon, but I wasn't sure with my brunch plans, if that would work. If not, I told him i'd be in Michigan when the Canucks came to play Detroit, becauseI know Ellen would hate for me to miss it. He smiled, giving me many kisses before he went off into the night.

I wanted all of it. I wanted him, share his life's biggest moments, his life up in Vancouver. I wanted everything with him, and from what he said last night after everything, made it seem like he wanted me there too. He wanted me, again- as if he never wanted me. He promised, me this time he would communicate more, he would show me that he wanted me and he would defend me when the situation presented itself. He wouldn't leave me high and dry.

But I know every chapter must end, for a new one to begin. Yet, this life is so unpredicatable. This story that I have created, is not perfect, and it never will be. But I know, that the best is yet to come. I can close my eyes, and see the life I want and the best part of my story is about to begin. The thrill that is new, exciting and going to take my breath away. You never know.

KIND of alluding to Oliva Rodrigos latest song from her disney show: You Never Know. buttttttt. I hope you guys enjoyed, please reblog and like. :)

Some tags: @cuttergauth @hugheshugs @jayda12

[pasharuu]

arama once told us he was learning "nara runes" which may be confirmed by his recordings, although it seems like arashakun, arapas and araphala mastered writing as well, since they also left notes that we can read. btw i still never read araphala's note even though i had all chances to but ugh. do you know how difficult it is to pass 4 vanagni challenge when ur rank 12 and started the acc about half an hour ago? i do.

idk if that was intentional or not tho, cuz honestly aranyaka is full of such contradictions if you look close enough. or maybe im overthinking stuff, thats also possible.

well, lets play by fiction rules, where logic is usually sacrificed for narration. by narration its implified that traveler is not familiar with aranara language, including scripts, most aranara are not familiar with human scripts. we were told, for whatever reason, that arama is learning human script which may be a reference to his recordings. in these recordings arama says that he doesnt know the purpose of making notes, but thinks its fun to do. this is what narration was trying to implify to a viewer (most likely). while exploring we also may notice other notes left by aranara that we can read. prolly they were making it for the sake of fun as well, because they have no other reasons to write these in human script other than this. however the concept of such thing is still introduced to us through arama's recordings that we might have not even noticed until we returned in vanarana after completing aranyaka or maybe never.

bro i remember this note was literally the first thing i found in vanarana and i was like "sure, but nara can read notes through walls!" cuz its how i found it. and i had no clue who wrote it cuz in russian arama doesnt name himself on the first page (unlike it is in english afaik), which was the only page that i could read at that moment. you cant imagine how that played in the end when i returned after completing aranyaka and read this note again, fully completed 💀

well uh, what all of this is here for? first, i like random talking at 4 am (7 am when i finished💀). second, i wanted to remind about the fact that not all of the aranara know "nara runes", and it seems like little people know or care about it. im just mad i never got questions related to messily written notes in my vk public ask box. its a crucial thing to me due to the way i found it.

arama is one of a few who know "nara runes" as u already understood, but as i said once, cinna does not remember "nara runes". so in aranyaka (the notebook) we were inscripting all the events of the quests, and imagine traveler giving that to cinna, assuming that he knows how to read, but then he be like "actually i cant read". he ironically couldnt even read his own notes which is hilarious and depressing at the same time. would be lovely... to somehow make everyone remember about that.

==

i just checked the wiki and there are transcriptions of araphala's and arapas' notes, thank goodness. its interesting how these are titled "careful penmanship" and "careless penmanship" respectively. also araphala's note says 40 moons passed since some moment (which is almost 3 and a half years) while arapas' note says us about 80 days when "frost covered the leaves", which might either mean 80 days of cold weather in a row or each a year, which means these were written for 80 years? bro, i dont remember any 80 tbh, i may as well check russian... if possible. the keyword is "if possible".

[minarcana]

sorry for all the ooc, things are wrong with me. anyways i was in prae for the umpteenth time and every time im there all i can picture is the gaius that lives in my brain being forced to go through prae and its him with his head in his hands like "please. dont. dont make me remember being Like This"

im going to talk about gaius, sorry

(caveat: i have a better werlyt in my brain.)

his arc is that he went from a True Believer to "ah. these are people.". me forcing him to live thru prae era again is the cringe punishment cube.

a clarification to werlyt arc rewrite: yeah he did war crimes and he did them on purpose. he was aware they were war crimes. he knew that other legions did bad things, though he consistently underestimated the amount and cruelty of human experimentation going on. he knew other legions tended to treat eorzeans as lesser

however he really did believe in Something. he believed varis's propaganda and that varis was a benevolent leader, that it wasnt just primals but eorzea's belief in gods in general that were killing their own land bc he cant tell the difference between a primal and a god. he was fully committed to "these people are savages and heres some fuckin, fantasy version of the white mans burden" which is obviously incredibly wrong and fucked but yknow, it fuels the war machine. he was a soldier who never even thought to ask questions.

all he did was believe wholeheartedly in the propaganda fed to him and therefore rationalize "torching this entire country is fine, right". cannot stress enough i am not excusing the war crimes. im just making him a consistent character with a mildly rational arc. he super did those war crimes and did them on purpose. but he also did protect the war orphans his own war caused and had no issue whatsoever letting eorzeans who wanted to join the army to protect themselves do so. equality of opportunity providing you pledged fealty to garlemald, bc being of garlemald's population made you Better and Not A Savage and therein lies the line of who it's fine to kill if they fight back and who can be treated with respect.

unfortunately, ascians. gaius got his ass handed to him and the result is [nervous laughter] oh shit the army is super not infalliable and always right and very capable of and prone to wanton destruction instead of targeted attacks specifically to claim territory, hence the depression arc. he's pissed at ascians and wants to die. two birds one stone, hunt ascians till one of them kills him. meet people who want him dead and yknow theyve got a fucking point.

though he did still believe in the last vestige of "maybe things arent completely fucked and i didnt spend my entire life believing in utter bullshit lies?" that varis was a Good Emperor and Capable Of/Genuinely Interested In Ensuring Protection Of Garleans until the black rose incident. he still had a weird loyalty towards him that maybe he could get varis to like. not enact biological warfare against his own men. if he were just able to talk to him. but twas not to be and gaius essentially just [throws hands into air] OKAY! FINE! FUCK ME I GUESS!

hed already entirely lost faith that anything in garlemald's extant ruling structure could be salvaged while they still tried to wage war, weapon series just brought into light how deeply rotten the army had been the entire time when gaius had turned a blind eye to any operations that weren't his own.

if he met himself from his prae monologue now he'd strangle one of himself he doesnt care which one just free him from whatever this is hed Rather Die

the only thing im keeping him actually genuinely 100% totally unaware of from werlyt is the weird Thing livia had for him. shes out there hollering HIS BODY IS MINE as gaius is like "[completely out of earshot every time she does that] haha livia shes like a relative of mine i guess" and thats because i think its very funny.

on a SECOND DIGRESSION ABOUT PRAETORIUM

like. look. garleans cant use aether. i desperately want the explanation for how the fuck this man is pulling shadow clones out of his ass when he repels magic. i choose to believe the X beams are either ceruleum fire or aether cartridges charged by someone else but this cannot explain fuckin naruto shadow clone jutsu going on. what the fuck, gaius.

[nightzskii-archived]

how is it to have DID? sorry if its rude to ask, feel free to ignore this if you dont feel comfortable replying!! im just genuinely curious

It's not rude to ask (considering we like answering questions like this) but uhhh trigger warning I suppose because im not getting into the "good side" of this disorder by much

But it's. well. to put it shortly its a real shitty experience and i wouldn't even have my most meaniest enemy have this shit

to put it long story?? check under the cut ong because...yeah

long story?:

For our own experience and with how many alters we have it's basically just pain everyday, from not remembering where or who we are, getting random memories of our trauma (as a trauma holder) from a trigger we didnt even know we had and without a trigger exactly too, dissociating to the point we cant tell what from what, getting blurry at the most inconvenient times ever, getting real bad breakdowns, extreme memory issues (I will not be able to tell who you are for hours unless I just normally call you by your user.), etc

There's a lot more downs with this disorder than ups and since we're still in a bad environment it just keeps getting worse, and because of how ours seem so over the top i feel like I'm faking over and over again.

not to mention the fact we have alters who are Introjects/take the personality of our abusers/groomers because of the fact they ARE them or we associated them with that person

Let's also not mention the fact that there are alters who can't handle something that try to kill the body in ways you wouldn't think they would. Or the ones who try to encourage intrusive thoughts and make them into intrusive actions.

Back to the memory thing, we will (the ones in front most of the time) will forget who's skin we're in, who's face we're seeing, whos name we're hearing, who's house we're in, what state we're in, what planet we're on, what our birthday is, what our age is, what our race is, what we can and cant do, what a blanket is, etc. We'll go for days not remembering this one specific thing that's really important to remember and when we do remember it's already unimportant.

We'll get the most headsplitting painful headaches and will never pinpoint why or how because at this point we cant care enough for the details we just want it to STOP. Especially since after the headaches we feel so weak from how painful it is and we STILL have to push through

We'll forget about time and stay awake for days on end until one of our sleep alters hear word of this and force us to sleep

I'm personally more effected from our trauma and deeper into our depression, anxiety, etc. So everyday I front I genuinely need other people fronting with me so nothing bad happens and if something bad DOES happen we can quickly switch to calm me down and keep the body safe

Being a system isn't a fun experience and it never will be, I hate being a system personally because of everything that happens that i didnt even put here, I hate being a system and I wouldn't want anyone else to be one either

[notcolleen]

tw for very rambling suicidal ideation behind this, i promise i am safe 👌 (but blunt talk about death and rambles abt cats and mentions of pokémon 👌)

[[MORE]]

but i have not been this actively suicidal for extended amount of time probably ever, yet i say that knowing that i will stay alive indefinitely……..just really really really sad all the time 😌 (so please know that too and allow me to write this out lol)

it’s just a very overwhelming sense of staying alive out of obligation and that’s not exactly what dbt would call a Life Worth Living

but i am obligated to my cat first and foremost (as ridiculous as that might sound to some but i know others will understand lol) and to my family as well, and the guilt of leaving them overwhelms me even though i know logically i wouldn’t be alive to feel it….like i look at phoebe (the cat in question for those who don’t know) and i see a wonderful animal who didn’t sign up to be taken in by a severely depressed human — she deserves unconditional care and love and that is what i agreed to when i adopted her so that is why i am obligated to stay alive as long as she is alive

plus on a more practical level, when my ideation gets to the point of “okay let’s try to find an equally loving home for her ! maybe even someone who has more space and more time and more emotional bandwidth !” im like wow that would be pretty obvious to anyone that knows you that something is wrong lmao and also i get so sad at the thought of not having her in my life……..which contradicts the “i actually want to be dead” ideation and brings on my next unwavering reason to stay around……which is my extreme fear of death and the unknown

like…….that’s terrifying and idk how it’s just basically accepted that we as humans exist and then stop existing? and that’s it? like a hs classmate of mine just passed away less than a week ago and i can’t stop thinking about it, i selfishly can’t stop thinking how unfair it is that i am sitting here, literally abusing my body every minute of the day and not taking care of any part of my self and yet my health is essentially perfect?? yet she was genuinely one of the nicest ppl in this horrible town and breast cancer took her life and if that doesn’t prove that this life has no logic at all idk what does

and it’s terrifying bc i can’t comprehend what happens after bc in my mind there just can’t logically be any after but there also can’t logically be nothing so it’s just….overwhelming blankness

so now i wake up every day and i cry on my walk to work because i have the same compulsive thoughts about dying at the same spots on the same walk bc my brain is dumb and repeats everything

but also keep thinking about how that would affect the kids i work with, who tell me they love me every day and hug me even though they’re not supposed to and tell me i’m they’re favorite teacher when they’re not supposed to but it’s really only because i’m the only one that knows pokémon enough to print out the coloring sheets they want so it’s conditional love but i don’t even care bc it’s real to them and to me

but then i cry more bc i love them too but i still want to die and they would move on quickly but it would still be something in their life that they certainly dont deserve and wouldn’t understand

so i go to work and i pretend to be a good, caring person and it’s exhausting bc i am not, so i get home and it’s like a switch is flipped and i am an entirely different person with no moral compass and no desire to connect with anyone or be around anyone or do anything…..like at this point i have alienated everyone in my life and can’t see myself getting to a place where i can build connections again, my only social interactions rn are work and i get frustrated that i have to make the same small talk with my coworkers every day, i get frustrated that i have to partake in social niceties or that im expected to go to holiday parties and have lunches with these people who don’t actually know me and i don’t actually know them??

i did have thanksgiving with my family tonight and i know i have so much love for them, and i felt safe there for that time……but there was still this underlying emptiness to everything and even conversations with them, the people i am closest with and really the only ones i talk to anymore, felt surface level in a way that frustrates me and i can’t articulate it accurately but it’s exhausting and i am tired

and i was getting more anxious as i was getting ready to leave my parents bc the time alone after being with family is the hardest for me and my dad turned to my sister…..who had just had another fight with her husband….and said “just so you know, you can stay here tonight, you’re always welcome to stay here” and i started crying on my way home because that’s what i needed to hear tonight but he wouldn’t know that bc i can’t vocalize my emotions like a functional adult and go out of my way to make it seem like i’m doing better than i am so that my mom doesn’t worry

i know i need more help in terms of my mental health (also not in denial abt how bad my eating disorder is rn but that’s another issue that i’m not going to write another novel about rn) but idk what that looks like in my life rn and it’s hard when my depression is this bad because i keep coming back to “yeah i need more help but also it’s all pointless anymore lol” so i just go through my days completed detached and telling myself that any way i can cope is okay bc instagram told me 💖✨if all u did was survive today that is okay✨💖 but really it’s just me enabling apathy and destructive behaviors and moving targets of “i’ll do better once xyz”

idk how to end this post other than to say again that i am safe, just obviously not in a good place mentally but very much able to keep myself alive (i’ve been jaded by too many “instagram cares” messages after posting lol) (i know this is tumblr) (still jaded)