#goddamn the library is a bitch to colour

[mycatismyfriend]

Early Mr Rupert Giles being more like S3 Wesley Wyndam-Pryce than you remember.

[writethelifeyouwant]

Made For You | Prologue

Summary: Dean and Sam like what they have together, and if screwing your brother screws with the universe’s “grand plan” while they’re at it, then even better. Neither of them has ever cared much for tradition or fate, but it turns out there are some destinies you can’t escape. Sometimes, someone is just made for you. 

Pairing: Alpha!Dean x Unpresented!Sam Rating: 18+ Warnings: Incest Tags: Omegaverse, growing up, Sam’s curious, Dean answers his questions, because he’s a good big brother Word Count: 947 Created For: @spnabobingo - Free Space | @anyfandomgoesbingo - Free Space

Series Masterlist

For as long as Dean could remember, his little brother had always been full of questions.

Of course, when he was two, Sam had gone through the typical toddler phase of asking “why?” after every single thing his big brother said. It had taken a lot out of six-year-old Dean not to just shove the kid out of his way and hide somewhere no one could ever ask him “why?” again. Then when he was a little older, and started to notice more and more about the world he lived in, the questions morphed into: Where does Dad go all the time? Why isn’t he back yet? What is the shotgun doing under your pillow?

Dean had tried his hardest to avoid answering those kinds of questions as long as he could. Dad didn’t want Sam to know about the monsters under the bed, not just yet.

When Sam was seven or eight, he’d gone through a fairy tales phase, to Dean’s utter disgust. But those had been the only books that Mrs. Nowicki, the elderly motel desk clerk that John had asked to keep an eye on them, had left over from her daughter’s childhood. Sam had been delighted when she’d brought them in one morning, and told him he could keep them as long as he wanted. That hadn’t been necessary, the dorky little kid had devoured every single one of them by the end of the day.

After that, the questions had morphed into: Do you believe in love at first sight? Were Mom and Dad true mates? Do you believe in true mates? Do true mates always have to be an alpha and omega? What do you think you’ll present as? What about me?

Dean had wanted to pull the shotgun out from its not-so-secret hiding place beneath his lumpy cotton pillow and shoot Sam, then himself, just to make the kid shut it about all that true mates bullshit. Instead, he’d gone to the library down the road and stolen a copy of Grimm’s Fairy Tales – the ones that had the real endings, with death and blood and guts – and shoved that under Sam’s nose and told him to read that and then shut up.

When he had finished the book, Sam’s next question had been: Why do you always ruin everything?! Dean had smirked triumphantly to himself in his vindictive-older-brother way, not at all sorry.

Right before Dean’s eighteenth birthday, Sam had asked him: “What do you think you’ll present as?”

“Alpha,” Dean had shrugged, unconcerned. He was pretty confident about what he’d turn out to be. Sam looked at him nervously, hands wringing in his lap.

“What do you think I’ll present as?” he had asked in a small voice, looking much younger than his thirteen years.

“Bitch like you? Definitely omega,” Dean had mocked with a cold sneer, sick of all these goddamn questions. But then he saw how Sam’s eyes began to cloud with tears, the multifaceted colours blurring to a muddy hazel. “Hey, no, I didn’t mean it,” he reassured his little brother, patting him awkwardly on the arm. “You’re already tall as me, bet you’ll be even bigger one day. That’s definitely an alpha trait.”

“You mean it?” Sam sniffed, cheeks twitching with the ghost of hope.

“Yeah, totally,” Dean nodded, bravado back in full swing. “I mean, we fight monsters for a living for god’s sake. You, me, and Dad? Alpha as they come.”

He had been right, and a couple weeks after his eighteenth birthday, Dean had presented as an Alpha. His hormones had gone into full swing, whacking him out with a rut that had lasted nearly two weeks, and he’d been a horny bastard even outside of his ruts ever since – something Sam never failed to rib him about in the years following.

“Just you wait until you’ve presented,” Dean grumbled. “You won’t want to keep your dick in your pants either.” Sam’s eighteenth birthday had been last weekend, he’d probably be popping his knot any day now.

“What’s–” Sam hesitated, chewing on his question a little before starting again. “What’s it like?”

“What’s what like?” Dean grunted, not following.

“W-what’s it like, y’know,” Sam’s hands flailed around awkwardly in front of him, his face breaking out in a splotchy, embarrassed blush. “What’s it like knotting someone?”

Dean’s mouth ran dry as he looked at the hopeful, nervous expression on his little brother’s face. When Sam licked his lips, Dean felt a lurch somewhere behind his navel, and he felt a flush begin to creep up his neck to match Sam’s.

“Um,” he cleared his throat awkwardly, “it uh, it feels really intense, I guess. Like at that moment, while you’re tied, there’s no one but you two. It kinda feels like they’re everywhere, even though it’s only your dick inside ‘em. And it’s all… tight, and warm… and uh, wet.”

Sam had a look on his face like Dean had punched him in the gut; knocked the wind right out of him. He didn’t know what made him do it but Dean looked down, and saw Sam was hard. Sam saw him looking, his chest heaving shakily as their eyes locked. The younger boy cleared his throat.

“Have you, uh, have you ever done it with a guy?”

Dean hadn’t suspected that question in a million years, and he blinked in stunned silence for a moment, eyes still fixed on Sam’s.

“No…” Dean answered slowly. His heart was beating so loudly he bet Sam could hear it too.

“Have you ever wanted to try?”

Sam and all his goddamn questions. They would be the death of him, Dean was positive.

Chapter 1 posting on June 7th or subscribe to my website to read up through Chapter 4!

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[moonlit-flowerfield]

Welcome to "It's 2:44 am in the god damn morning and I can't sleep because itchy and then a bop came on and now I need to fucking make an AU based on like two or three episodes of Sofia the First and a movie special for Elena of Avalor, someone please send help." 😀

Roman - Elena (no, not because race or anything like that, because Elena was out of the amulet for 5 goddamn minutes and she fucking burst into song about how she's gonna be a hero then promptly fell on her face because revenge plot had holes.)

Sofia - Patton (you can't tell me Patton wouldn't fucking melt at understanding animals.)

Mateo - Virgil (was gonna be Logan, but tbh Mateo has anxiety about messing spells up and from what I've seen of Elena of Avalor, has a crush on Elena after a while, and who doesn't like a good chaotic Prinxiety mess? Don't answer that-)

Logan - ... King Roland (tbh I don't really know how I'm gonna justify this one other than Roland's allergic to cats and so are all the sides due to Thomas being allergic so....? Work with me here, it's not easy.)

Janus - Shuriki (not because I like Evil Janus, but because I'm running out of spots he'd fit. And because if I put him as Alakazar or Zuzo, it would be way weird??? Like bruh, why you a book? Or like bruh, why you a talking wolf-lookin ass spirit guide?)

Remus - Esteban (for the longest time, Esteban kinda just has his own agenda and then eventually he realizes Elena 100% loves him like a brother and it's just heartwarming to see him go from evil to nice and supportive so-){{I also may be misremembering, but shush, at least in the Secret of Avalor specials, he goes from evil to good}}

Zuzo - Orange (because he's not technically canon yet, and therefore is a blank slate >:3)

Alakazar - Thomas (because he's a magical bitch.)

Emile - James (because he's too nice to be a stuck up prick like Amber.)

Remy - Amber (see above reason for Emile but swap "too nice to be" to "literally just a".)

Nico - Miranda (because I can't fucking figure out why Logan in any AU would fall for and marry one of Thomas' friends.)

Valerie - Isabel (look I just wanted to shoehorn in someone who could fit and I just really like Val okay?!)

So what changes are there?

Well, Janus' wand isn't blue and his special made throne is made of citrine not diamonds. Patton's not a fucking 10 year old doing this and his step siblings are Remy and Emile. Orange is Zuzo. Thomas is Alakazar. Logan is still Logan, but he's also really open to Patton's Dad (there's honestly no good match up and I feel soo weird making it one of Thomas' friends, so he's gonna just be Nico) and his kids about his emotions. Roman's little sister is Valerie and her colour is shifted to more of a pink then blue. The Jaquines are still chaos but good.

No major changes tbh, besides ages of Sofia, Amber, and James counterparts. The Isabel counterpart is a little older, but not by much. A year, maybe.

We don't really get Shuriki's backstory in Secret of Avalor, but Janus' reason for going evil is the hate he got for his snake side and so he wanted to punish and torture Avalor for his pain. Naturally, Roman and Remus are p furious at him because "you fucking hurt our family" but Patton and Valerie convince them to just jail Janus and try and offer a normal life instead of a heated one and surprisingly Avalor is like "we're willing to give him a second chance if he doesn't try hurting us" so the twins cave and put Janus in prison for a few months as they repair Avalor and then reintroduce him to the country and start the healing.

Meanwhile, Patton is like "I saved a kingdom and I saved a prince and the Secret Library is now gonna officially let me go on bigger Storykeeper quests!" Logan's just a Proud Papa™. Nico's an Ultra Proud Papa™©.

I started this post at 2:44 am and now it's 3:18 am. You're Welcome.

[dreamescapeswriting]

Her Alpha ~ JJK [M] [Request]

↱↱↱Word Count: 2.1K

↱↱↱Genre: Fluff, smut, Werewolf!Au

↱↱↱Pairing: Alpha!Jungkook x Omega!Reader

↱↱↱A/n: I’m still new to writing werewolf things as it’s not something I ever saw myself writing but hope this turned out for you, I tried to keep it as different from my other JK wolf fic :)

Jungkook knew the moment you walked past him one day in the hall, he could smell you instantly and the way you opened up his sight to everything almost set it in stone that you were his mate. Your scent was intoxicating to him and he knew from the moment it hit his nose you were the one for him, but when he watched you it was as if you had no idea he even existed when he asked around about you his pack told him you were a new wolf and had no idea about how anything worked. He was worried about you but kept his distance not wanting to scare you about anything about your new life, it was scary for him and he was born into the life. You were bitten meaning you probably had no idea about anything about it all, which was made clear to him when he followed you into the library one day and found you trying to read mythology books about your kind. 

"It's no good, they're old and miss a lot of facts on us." Your eyes widened when you heard someone talking to you and you dropped the book on the floor.

"Us?" You stuttered not knowing if he was being genuine or if he was just trying to joke about it, 

"Werewolves." He whispered in your ear, it was just an excuse to get closer to you to smell your scent once again but he resisted the urge he had to kiss you and ravish you right in the library but he had to hold back. 

"Y-You're one too?" He nodded and stared into your eyes, your eyes were wide with fear as you thought you were the only one on campus. 

"Have you changed yet?" He whispered feeling protective over you, you nodded and shuddered at the thought. Remember how it felt when you changed on the first full moon, your bones breaking one by one and then the killing of animals just because you were a wolf. 

"Yeah." You whispered looking at him and he nodded going on to explain you would learn how to control it eventually and could learn to change whenever you wanted.

"I'll teach you everything I know-"

"I don't even know who you are...how do I know you're not the one that changed me?" You questioned looking at him as he stared back down at you. 

"Because I wouldn't wish this life upon anyone, come on." 

That was months ago and now you were close friends, Jungkook had neglected to mention mates to you deciding it would be better for you to find out in your own time that you were his mate. He didn't want you to think he was just pressuring you into being with him it's not what he wanted at all. 

"Get away from me." You groaned as someone pushed you against the locker in the college hallway, Jungkook looked away from Jimin who was talking to him and saw you struggling to move past three jocks who kept pushing you. 

"You've been flirting with me all morning and now you reject me!?" He yelled slamming your back against the locket, Jungkook growled at the sight and thought of you flirting with someone that wasn't him and he was going to walk over when he saw you push the jock onto the floor. 

"Leave me alone!" You growled at him but it earnt a bunch of laughter from the boys surrounding you, but it only got worse because one behind you grabbed you by the hair and slammed your face against the locker. The next thing you knew he was on the floor and Jungkook was pulling you in the direction of the library, 

"You alright?!" He rushed to look at you, cupping your face in his hands and turning your head around to make sure they hadn't hurt you. His alpha instincts were kicking in and he was going into protective mode wanting nothing more than to go back into the hall and rip their heads off.

"Say something to keep me distracted." He mumbled holding onto your face and you stared up at him, looking deep into his eyes they were flashing red which meant he was trying to stop himself from changing in the middle of the library. 

"Take me home to my dorm...We'll get some food and movies and chill out Jungkook." He nodded and you took his hand in yours pulling him through the halls, 

"Look at the slut! Taking the bitch boy home to fuck instead!" You ignored their comments continuing to pull Jungkook through the halls and out to where your car was parked, 

"Were you really flirting with him?" You looked down at your hands as you got into the car, Jungkook watched you from the passenger seat and took a deep breath in, he could smell that you were in heat which gave you a reason to be flirting with everyone but he couldn't help but feel jealous about it. 

"I-I don't know what's wrong with me...I've never felt this way before." You whispered gripping onto the steering wheel and rubbing your thighs together, your eyes glancing at Jungkook as he nervously stared forward as you drove.

"Like what?" He questioned wanting to make sure you were talking about what he thought you were talking about, 

"I want to fuck everyone I see b-but none of them will satisfy me...Only one will." He glanced at you as you continued to drive and he saw a layby coming up, 

"Pull up." You nodded and did it without questioning what he was getting at, you switched off the engine and he was facing you. 

"Do you know who will..." You nodded slowly and looked up into his eyes, he was closer to you now as he was leaning across the gearstick to get a better smell of you. 

"You." You whispered looking down at his lips and he smirked knowing you were in heat and he would love nothing more than to take you but you weren't aware of anything yet, 

"You're just in heat. It'll pass in 5-14 days depending on you." You stared at him and whined wanting him to take you, your hands reached up to cup his face and he looked at you,

"There's something you don't know..." He started, he had no idea how to bring it up and being bold and open was his only option right now.

"What?" You whispered running your fingers over his soft skin and he almost let out a whine at the smallest of touches from you he'd been dreaming of you for months. 

"You're my mate." He said to you looking at you as you processed what that meant. 

"Is that why I have a strong attraction to you and only you?" He nodded and you leant up to kiss him but he pulled away, 

"You're just in heat, you don't mean this-" You kissed him again grabbing his face and pulling him closer to you,

"I mean everything, since the day I met you I've wanted you Jungkook...Take me," Those were the only words he needed to hear and he began kissing you roughly in the car.

"Jungkook!" You whined as he pulled you through the hallway of his dorms, he'd made you drive back to his place after making out in the car and getting you riled up,

"Just a little further, there's no way I'm fucking you in a car." He growled finding his dorm room and pulling you inside. He slammed and locked the door not wanting any of his roommates to come in when they weren't welcome and as soon as the door was shut you pushed him against it making out with him just as roughly as you did the first time, 

"Fuck you smell amazing." He groaned bending down and picking you up, he walked you towards the bedroom and dropped you on his bed continuing the heated makeout session his hands travelling all over your body, not knowing which part he wanted more. He just loved that he was finally getting to kiss you and you were kissing him back, 

"Jungkook I need you." You moaned out as his hands began rubbing your throbbing clit in small circles through the fabric of your jeans, he practically ripped the jeans off your body after you told him you needed him and they were thrown somewhere in the room. 

"Have you er- had sex-"

"Before? Yes." You whispered shyly and he smirked kissing your neck, at least he didn't have to teach you the whole thing and you whined as he continued to rub your clit, 

"N-Need you now." You whimpered and he took himself out of his jeans pumping his member a couple of times before lining himself up at your entrance, 

"This might hurt a little." He whispered, bending down and kissing you softly as he pushed into you inch by inch until he was buried deep inside of you and you were begging him to move or do something. 

"You need me that bad huh? Does the little bitch need me?" You whined at the name he gave you and clawed at his shirt tearing holes into it but not caring since he already ripped your jeans apart. 

"You're so goddamn fucking tight." He grunted slowly thrusting in and out of you which only made you whine wanting him to be faster with you and as if reading your mind he hooked one of your legs on his arm and angled himself so he could thrust harder and deeper into you, hitting your sweet spot with each rough thrust into your throbbing core.

"R-Right there." You moaned out, reaching your hand down you began to rub your clit to bring yourself closer to your much-needed release, you'd been dying for this for the last week and it was finally happening. He continued his rough and fast thrusts into you not even giving you a moment to get used to the pace changing it up from fast to slow but just as rough.

"You feel so good, fuck I can feel you clenching around me." He grunted pushing your legs down by your chest and hitting deeper than he was before, you could feel every vein along his shaft and you moaned out when you felt him twitching. 

"F-Fuck, stop clenching." He grunted at you but you did it again on purpose and his eyes lit up the bright red colour that made you weak at the knees for him. 

"Jungkook." You moaned out as his hand replaced yours on your clit, his circles were fast and rough and you knew you were going to cum soon. 

"G-Gonna cum." You whimpered to him and he smirked biting down on your collarbone, 

"You wanna cum all over alphas cock? Hmm?" You whined out a yes but it wasn't good enough for him, he thrust deeply into you and held himself just at your hilt making you cry out in pleasure, desperate for him to keep moving. 

"Tell me what you want." He whispered in your ear, your hands reached out the sheets pulling at them as you tried to move onto his shaft on your own but failing, 

"Tell me." He growled and you moaned out his name at the smallest friction he'd made when he yelled, 

"You! I need you to make me cum! Fuck I need you to fill me up Jungkook." You cried out and he began thrusting once more, your hands ripping into the bedsheets as he continued his rough thrusts, you were so close you could feel your stomach tightening and your clit throbbing, 

"Cum for me baby." You whined out as he finally gave you the permission you didn't know you'd been waiting for and it was like an explosion went off, you were clenching around him tightly a white fog was over your eyes as you gripped onto the sheets crying out his name. He pulled out of you as you finally came back to earth and you whined feeling his seed fall out and down your bare ass, 

"Fuck." You both panted as he fell down onto the bed beside you, you rolled over and nuzzled your head into his neck breathing in his scent as you did so. 

"You know that means you're mine right?" You nodded and kissed his chin wanting nothing more than to fall asleep in the arms of your alpha. 

"No more flirting with other people." You nodded again and he tightened his grip around you looking around his room, feathers from the sheets were everywhere and his shirt was torn. He was going to have to find a new place for you both to do this again in, knowing his roommates they would ask too many questions and he knew that as time went on mates tended to get a little heavy-handed and the bed probably wouldn't survive that.

@writingdreamsnottragedies @yoongisdumplingcheeks @snowy-meowl​ @lynnthevirgo​ @jooniesdarlingdimples​ @kpopfanfictionhoes​ @lyoongx​ @mitzwinchester​ @fan-ati--c​ @btsiguess-kpop​ @rjsmochii​ @callingmyangel​ 

[thelightofthingshopedfor]

1, 2, 3, 9, 16, 26 for the Loki meme~

already answered 1 and 2! and I...meant to answer this a long time ago and it kept getting buried in my drafts.

3. Did someone refer him to you or you found him on your own? A little of both, I guess. @erlkonigstochter watched the first Thor movie before I did and told me it had a quiet overlooked nerd vs. loud popular jock thing going on, so I was kind of predisposed to sympathize with Loki even before I watched it. and then of course I saw it and it turned out Loki was goddamn tragic and also fuck Odin because WHO FUCKING DOES THAT WHEN THEIR KID IS ABOUT TO COMMIT SUICIDE, HOLY SHIT (yeah overidentifying with Loki in multiple ways has always been part of why I love him). I can’t remember if I properly got into the fandom as such until after Avengers, but I definitely didn’t start trying to write my own fic before then, and fandom was very much a feedback loop--gifsets and meta made me notice things I wouldn’t have noticed otherwise (like...I don’t think it even occurred to me that Loki was probably tortured before being sent to Earth until I saw others discussing it and pointing out the onscreen evidence, and then of course it was obvious) and have feelings about those things, and fanart gave me more feelings, and so did fic, which also gave me various ideas. so in the absence of fandom, I think it’s safe to say I still would’ve liked Loki a lot, but it’s hard to say if I would’ve gotten in so deep.

9. Do you have a Loki song list? Answered before but answering again because I want to share a few! currently I have 68 songs on my general Loki playlist, which I rarely listen to because I’m a baby and some of them make me too sad. but! I also have a handful near the end that I’ve been meaning to post as a mini-fanmix, because it’s actually not terribly sad and it’s about a very specific topic: post-IW/Endgame Loki recovering in New Asgard because fuck canon actually, and it’s kind of bittersweet because trauma’s a bitch and he’s going to be dealing with all this shit for a long time but also he’s alive to deal with it and so is Thor and they’ll help each other heal because again, and I cannot stress this enough, fuck canon. so far it’s got: “No Monsters,” Roddy Hart & The Lonesome Fire “Tender Offerings,” First Aid Kit “Falling Slowly,” The Swell Season “Saturn,” Sleeping At Last “Never Quite Free,” The Mountain Goats, which really kinda sums up the whole concept and then some combination of “In Harmony,” “In the Silence,” “Going Home,” or the original Icelandic versions of them, all by Ásgeir. these are all extremely gorgeous songs by the way, the whole list, and most of them are even available on Freegal, if your library has that.

oh and the other super-specific mini-mix is about Loki’s time in the Void, and so far the only one on there that’s a sure thing is “Meet Me in the Woods” by Lord Huron (possibly also “The Yawning Grave” by same). other possibilities include “The Colour out of Space” by Matt Pond PA, “The Cold, the Dark & the Silence” by Sea Wolf, “The Void” by Metric, and “Was There Nothing?” (or its Icelandic version) by Ásgeir, but tbh most of those are based on the title more than the lyrics. also it’s sad.

16. How would rate yourself as a Loki fan from 1-10? (1- casual,  10-stan™)  I’m gonna be totally honest here and say that I probably have to admit to 10. I mean--I’ve written a bunch of fic. I’ve made multiple custom figures. I’ve cosplayed five different Loki outfits (all fairly straightforward, but still). and of course, I have an army, which doesn’t even include all the other Loki stuff I have like prints and t-shirts. all of that speaks to a certain level of fanatical dedication, you know?

26. What’s your dream team for Loki? JUST LIKE. A FRIEND. LITERALLY ANY FRIEND, AS LONG AS THE FRIEND IS GOOD FOR HIM I’M REALLY NOT FUSSY but also I always wanted him to team up with the Avengers, you know, the thing that would’ve happened in IW/Endgame if the Russos weren’t such fucking hacks? could’ve even led to working with Nebula! that would’ve been extremely cool but nooooo, we can’t have anything nice! but uh, for things that might actually happen still, teaming up with Wanda would be fun. teaming up with Dr. Strange could also be cool if they both learn to respect each other. so yeah, if all three team up in Dr. Strange 2, I will be just...beside myself.

[liprairian]

Myth: "You'll solve so many mysteries as a librarian! Searching the stacks for someone's long-lost childhood book, found based only on the colour and a vague sense memory of the specific kind of glue they used!"

Reality: put on your deerstalker, bitch, you've got to find out which of these 8 schoolhouse libraries sent you their reading logs based on the forlorn hope that one of these children owns a goddamn library card that's in your database. Good luck and here's a complimentary first hit of coke. Next one's not free but maybe their parents have a unique last name.

[planetjisungie]

lucky charms- h.rj

characters; ravenclaw! renjun x hufflepuff! reader ft. gryffindor! mark and gryffindor! jeno (sigh)

summary; with the exams coming up, you need a little help with your charms. well you dont, you just needed an excuse to talk to your long time crush, huang renjun

an; i literally changed this on the spot 🤡 plot holes here i come- (also id like to think jeno is more of a hufflepuff but idk man)

sigh okay this is a long boi

end of year exams were in just a few weeks

yay, your absolute favourite !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

sarcasm

now, charms

in room 99, classroom 2E in the south tower

i did my research

you were pretty good at charms, not nearly as good as you were in the care of magical creatures and herbology though

still above averagely good

you know who else was good at charms?

huang renjun

the star ravenclaw prince boy, the pride of the house and a very beautiful boy

best boi renjun

if jeno was being quite honest he was SICK AND TIRED of hearing you two pine over eachother

jeno met you in first year, and you quickly became best friends and even ended up in the same house as eachother

despite having different friend groups (your friend group consisted of you and eunji), you stayed best friends until now aka 5th year

just go with it okay

so as he was saying before i digressed, jeno physically is pained as he watched the longing glances both you and renjun throw when the other isnt looking

but it isnt his business to meddle with your lack of relationship problems

best boi part 2

BUT! but! he will give you both a tiny! eensy! little! minuscule! nudge

that nudge being forming a plan with you

you were slightly reluctant when jenos very enthusiastic face greeted you at the table saying he had ‘a totally brilliant, spectacular, show stopping, wonderful, flawless plan’

this was jeno we were talking about

the same boy who planned the failed midnight snack run a few weeks before

and as soon as he mentioned renjun your eyes narrowed

"proceed."

the plan was for jeno to ask renjun to tutor his friend who was falling behind in charms

said friend was you

and you were ahead of the class

bUT!! you agreed because he wasnt in your class, so there was no way he could know that right?

wrong.

who was in your class?

mark lee. one of renjuns best friends.

also the boyfriend of eunji and the reason you wanted to gauge your eyeballs out everytime you turned around to talk to them

thats right eunji ditched you to sit next to her little markie. bitch.

nonetheless, you agreed because your dumb, spontaneous ass forgot that renjun even knew mark, because if someone said ‘whos mark?’ you would go ‘eunjis boyfriend’

so of course, when all the students were making their way to their class, jeno caught up with renjun seeing as they both had muggle studdies

"hey man, i have a favour to ask"

stage one of operation: stop the oblivious fuckers from pining over eachother (that name may need some revamping) was a-go

"depends what said favour is"

smart boi™️

"is it possible to tutor one of my friends in charms for the upcoming OWLs?"

oh? this piqued china pretty boys interest

"i mean, sure, i could do with some revision too. tell them to meet me at the library after school"

and so jeno walked away with a smug smirk, victorious

and when jeno told you he had agreed later in potions, you were yet you werent surprised

so of you trotted after last period, kinda nervous because youre about to be in the literal breathing proximity of renjun

like obviously youve talked to him before but this time it was just you and him

alone

no get those thoughts out of your head

n e ways u perv

renjun sat at the back table, textbooks and notebooks with his neat writing in both chinese and korean all over the pages

smart boi part 2

so seeing him not looking at you

attention whore

wow why am i so mean today

you sat down and cleared your throat, placing your blank notebooks on the table so the boy wouldnt get suspicious

you had to pray to whatever gods were listening for your cheeks not to flare up the colour of the strawberries you had for breakfast

healthy girl™️

and the gods apparently answered your prayers

because as soon as renjun looked up and into your eyes you swore you were too distracted for your blood cells to even think about moving towards your face

and renjun nearly had a heart attack (by aoa)

poor boy

jeno had NOT told him that he would be tutoring you

he was going to be choked later

"sorry im late"

renjun was nearly offended that you would even apologise to him for being late by

2 minutes and 48 seconds

"no no its okay i havent been here long"

that was a lie he had study period last and has been sat in the same goddamn chair for an hour already but your presence made his ass cheeks ache less

so he started teaching you, but ???

you seemed to fully grasp the concepts

confused boi

excuse me ma’am/sir/señor/señorita whatever you prefer to go by-

you need to brush up on your acting skills dude

appalling smh your drama teacher back from your muggle school would be completely distraught

so for the next hour renjun ‘tutored’ you

things you already knew but this was a dream-

and actually he was a funny guy

he was also muggle born, so you could both relate over things you experienced as a kid

this lead to a raging debate over dora the explorer

that bitch was shaded in said debate, fully annihilated

hola soy dora your asshole

but,, it was fun. because jeno was pureblood and grew up knowing about all his magicky stuff so he was kinda boring sometimes

no tea no shade

but you ended the session with smiles on both your faces, cheeks literally aching with how hard youd been laughing and smiling

so lads

the next day at breakfast renjun was all happy, plonking himself next to mark at the gryffindor table because

man does not give a SHIT about the looks he was getting. he is huang renjun.

"why are you so smiley this morning? and why didn’t you come to my common room last night"

the gryffindor common room was the dreamie hang out

no one dared tell THE mark lee to go somewhere else with his friends

"sorry, last night i was tutoring y/n in charms" smiley boy still

mark seagull eyebrows: activated

excuse him?? charms?? you?? the one who got an outstanding in your report card??

something smells fishy here

"renjun... y/n got an outstanding on her charms"

eunji who had magically appeared next to mark basically said what he was just thinking

confused boi part ??

"wait what?"

but later on he didnt question you about it

he silently observed you

he told himself that anyway

quite honestly if you were spending time with him he was not about to complain

he was staring at you, simply put

my leng bby (thats you, youre my leng bby)

so for the next 2 weeks every day after school you would meet up to ‘catch up’ on your charms

that being said it literally always, every time, ended up with you two talking about something unrelated

like the 5th day you had a conversation about which series of power rangers was better

"SPD, obviously"

AM I THAT OLD?? on god i hate it here

"no, y/n, we all know that dino force is better"

i agree with y/n on this one pal

on the 7th day you talked about muggle sports that you both enjoyed

"i played a lot of cricket"

"cricket? okay tory"

"i am NOT a tory"

on the last day when you should have been, you know, LEARNING

you were having a lovely old chinwag about the x factor

"simon cowell is a king"

"i agree"

legend behaviour if you ask me

wait does chinwag exist in other countries??? translation: chat

so of course the exams came up

but you were dreading them for a different reason

this meant the end of tutoring with renjun

this was super bittersweet, you wanted to spend more time with eachother

you literally could it wasn’t that deep both of you are so dumb smh aint nothing stopping you

jeno agrees with me too, mans pulling out his hair still as you had somehow not gotten together yet

it was like watching snails race, incredibly frustrating but you know that there is the finish line somwhere over the horizon

so you took your exams and both of you passed with flying colours, obviously

smart kids

and you ran right to renjun to celebrate

seeing as he had

not really helped you but you thought that he thought he helped you

oh no honey he knew that you didnt need help

but he didnt know whether to confront you about it?

rip your guilty conscience

so after a long discussion with mark, our china boy decided to ask why the heck you wanted his help when you were absolutely fully capable

unlike mark

and when you saw him approach you first in the halls your heart went

NYYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM

that was the sound of a fast motorbike

"hi y/n"

‘damn renjun, couldnt have thought of anything better than that?’

"uhh hi renjun"

awkward silence by stray kids

"i just wanted to know why you asked for my help"

okay where is the nearest shovel and what is the most efficient way to dig a large hole-

as if renjun sensed your panic radiating off you in waves

which he did

"not that it was an issue! i enjoyed spending time with you, it was just, you didnt really need help"

he was a pure boy

so you puffed your cheeks and decided to just come clean

somewhere, jeno felt his senses tingling

"genuinely i just wanted to spend some time with you because i really like you"

renjun froze and wanted to smack his head into a wall

bruh

you noticed his expression and panicked yet again

stop panicking man its okay i gotchu

"it was jenos idea"

blame jeno is always a fool-proof plan b

unless you get pregnant, that would not be a good idea

so i guess its not fool proof

BUT I DIGRESS

renjun face palms and groans

"youre kidding me! all this time we wasted doing boringass charms work when we couldve gone on dates"

confusion™️

but?? you felt hopeful??

"i dont think im on the same wavelength"

"i like you too dumbass"

oH so YOURE the dumbass??

yes, yes you are renjun is best boi, accept the L which is really a W bc renjun likes you back

jeno who had found his way to you, listening from around the corner sighed in happiness

"fucking finally!!"

[disaster-bay-leaf]

Ok so these were the cutest~ (ㆁωㆁ)

4, 6, 7, 9, 12, 19, 22, 23, 28, 33, 34, 46, 47, 52, 59, 60, 63, 66, 83, 87, 88, 93, 99

I kno I listed like....all of them lmao but feel free to answer whichever you want and ofc you can ask me in return Baybe ( ◜‿◝ )♡

uHUHUHUHU much content for me to answer, im happy bebe 💜💜💜✨

4 - how do you take your coffee/tea?

hm coffee either Very Black No Sugar (for the sleep deprived me) or iced latte three sugars and theres no in between

and as for tea its All Black Teas That Exist, cinnamon-flavoured especially (but basically all teas that come to mind when u think “autumn”), and rooibos!!! okay basically the only oke i dont like is any type of green tea (which is sad because they look cool but my tastebuds said ✨no✨)

6 - do you keep plants?

honestly id l o v e too because i love plants but,,, im kinda horrible at taking care of them though still way better than the majority of my family (research helps) so the only plant i own is kinda a small-palm-tree-looking thing in a bigass glass jar that i saved from my mother’s plant-destructing hands and its mostly doing well (the ends of its leaves are starting to be yellow tho and im worried:((( )

7 - do you name your plants?

yes!!! though the current one was named by my sister and its called “pickett” after fantastic beasts shsjjsj

9 - do you like singing/humming to yourself?

oh god oh dude you have n o idea

i have absolutely n o singing voice but its something i do constantly to give my brain the right amount of stimuli so basically i listen to music 24/7 and hum to myself 99% of that time

12 - whats your favourite planet?

oh i actually didnt think about this for so long but either pluto (hes a planet screw nasa) or saturn (RINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) or venus (girls,,,and libra,,,)

19 - do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw in it?

okay im gonna be completely honest with yall and say that my every single try at keeping a journal failed spectacularly and i lost motivation after like a few months so my only journals rn are my fancy fake-leather-bound calendar to note tests and assessments into, a kinda roughed up notebook that i uses for noting down poems or scribbling or passing notes in class, and a kinda fancy bullet journal notebook that i used as a book of shadows for a while but since my fountain pen died i didnt touch it

22 - are you a morning person?

n o

i am so not a morning person but i wish i could be because honestly dawns are beautiful

but as it is rn im either sleep deprived all the time and loathe every second of being in an awake state or (if i have a few days of schoolbreak) my biological clock moves forward a few hours and i sleep 2am-10am

23 - whats your favourite thing to do on lazy days with zero obligations?

except for the fact that i dont remember the last time it happened, i would probably spend it drawing outside, watching anime with my sister and riding a bike around the forest

28 - sunrise or sunset?

i love sunrises because its so peaceful and everyone is asleep but also i subconsciously immediately correlate them with waiting for a train to take me to school (because thats basically the only time i see them) so its a bittersweet love especially with my fucked up biological clock

but sunsets are really really pretty too and i see them more often so i cant choose

33 - whats your fave pastry?

and isnt that a millior-dollar question dhsjjsjsj

either cinnamon rolls (i absolutely adore them) or that one specific type of cupcake-shaped-thing made out of shortcrust/bread/whatever its called and filled with vanilla pudding

34 - tell us about a stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it?

awwww this is cute

okay so basically my two favourite stuffed animals (i still have them, they sit in my wardrobe) were two teddy bears (like maybe 20cm high each of them) and one was pure brown and the other was silver-brown and they had stereotypical polish male names “Waldek” (read. Valdek) and Stefan (i think tho im not sure if i remember correctly, my memory is a feeble thing sometimes

46 - tell us the worst pun you can think of

what dog would never bite you? a hot dog *badumtss*

47 - what food do you think should be banned from the universe?

huh a year ago id say pineapple pizza but i guess i dont hate pineapples that much anymore (tho putting them on pizza is still an abomination) but i think that if id ever want to get rid of anything it would be parsley, i hate that freakin herb (does it count as food tho)

52 - what are your favourite memes of the year so far?

the ever given for sure shsjshjsjsjsjjsj

but bullying tramp stamps is gold and pure tumblr energy too

as for fandom memes: im in love with all keeping-up-with-the-todorokis variations and the fact that the entire bsd fandom looked at fukuchi and said “biTCH” and thats one of the only things we’re unanimous about

59 - whats your favourite myth?

i always liked the kora/persephone myth (though demeter is an overbearing parent to the nth power), loki and thor crossdressing at a party to get mjolnir back, atalanta because shes a queen and id politely ask her to kick my ass, and cassandra because she deserved better, and theres a l o t more because alas i was a mythology nerd but this post is long enough for me not to make this section 20 times longer sjjsjsjsjsjks

but there are a lot of slavic myths that are very cool too, though we dont know that much about them as about the greeks for example

60 - do you like poetry? what are some of your faves?

o o o o h yeah i do like poetry because to create such a beautifully sounding thing with only words someone has to be a genius

some of my favs are: some works of nakahara chuuya (thank u bsd for introducing me to this man’s beautiful imagery in his works i swear to god the descriptions do it for me) (also his poem about having hangovers is a mood like i feel you buddy), the raven by ea poe (i know everyone likes it but hOLY DAMN THE INTER/INTRAVERSE RHYMES ARE LIKE,,, BREATHTAKING) (and aso im a slut for gothic horror), and many more but also That One Poem From Welcome To Nightvale about reaching the island in the west,,, only perfect vibes from it

63 - are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organised or kinda leave them be?

okay heres the thing. for anyone else both my playlist library and my bookshelf would be considered pure chaos of a mad man b u t they actually have a highly focused system which means that i sort them based on their vibes, lovability and (in case of books) their age and whether or not theyre a part of a series so i would say my bookshelf is rather organised (when a quarter of it isnt occupying my desk that is) and my music is more organised than not but sometimes it gets out of control and i have to sort it entirely again

66 - what would your ideal flower crown look like?

either entirely constructed of simple white daisies, entirely constructed of only white roses, or something that probably would win a “how many different coloured flowers can one fit in a flower crown” competition

or something purple (maybe not belladonna)

83 - whats some of your favourite album art?

god i dont know if it counts but hozier’s wasteland baby is probably one of my absolute favourites and no one shall beat that

“thrifted youth” (dalynn) and “standard deviation” (danny schmidt) have very aesthetic covers too

also the iconic p!atd too weird to live, too rare to die! album cover,,, its just iconic what can i say

and last but not least matt meason’s pink-and-black album covers (though bank on the funeral is really pretty too but like,,, “who killed matt meason” d o e s it for me and so does the 2017 tribulation single)

87 - what are some movies that you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives?

this is such a hard question because im not a really cinematography-oriented gal but i suppose that (at the risk of not going deep enough into the cinema world):

- the princess bride

- inception

- night at the museum

- SPIRITED AWAY

- forrest gump

- truman show

- E.T. (i cried okay)

- the lord of the rings (because damn me if this isnt one impressive adaptation)

- parasite

and one more personal recommendation: “ready or not” with samara weaving because goddamn i dont usually watch this genre but holy s h i t is it good

93 - whats the hairstyle you wear the most?

honestly just plain hair down (because having curly hair is a menace), split in the middle when i have longer hair and split on one side when its short

also low ponytails or half-up-half-down when im exercising, or double french braids when my hair doesnt cooperate enough to look presentable in any other form

99 - list some songs that resonate with your soul whenever you hear them

this is difficult because my music taste is a goddamn rollercoaster on a good day, but heres some:

- me and the sky from “come from away” musical (this is sort of a test song for my mental stability, if i cry i aint stable)

- dancing after death by matt meason (okay most songs by matt meason except for like,,, hallucinogenics maybe)

- tears and rain by james blunt

- i will follow you into the dark by death cab for cutie

- almost home by mxmtoon

- anything by hozier really but shrike especially

- payphone, the cover by alex g (i cried to this song so many times)

- burning pile by mother mother (can i roast all my problems please)

- long way from home and cleopatra by the lumineers

- autoclave by the mountain goats

oooh that was c o o o o o o o l as fuck thank you sm so much bebe (and sorry for the long post @everyone else)

[artificialqueens]

Not Nineteen Forever (19) (Branjie/Scyvie/Ninex) - Ortega

a/n: hi pals! so this was probs one of my top 3 fav chapters to write out of the whole fic. it’s got so many things that i just love, and i so hope u will love it too. i should probs make it clear that this isn’t the end of the fic! it’s going to have 21 chapters, so there’s two more to come after this (omg only 2????? bitch wtf???? WTF???). thank u guys for all the love my ask box gets flooded with after every chapter, i’m always so so excited when i see it so thank u so much, i really appreciate it!! here we go with n19f19 xoxo

please note: this fic contains young adults often behaving in irresponsible/unadvisable ways with regards to alcohol, drugs and sex. if you are someone who feels as if they could be heavily influenced by fic and incorporate what happens in the plot into ur own life, pls steer clear!

summary: Brooke, Yvie and Nina are three flatmates who forged a friendship in their first year of university and picked up some other waifs and strays along the way. Now in their final year, there are feelings that need to be unravelled and confessions to be made whilst navigating drunk nights, hungover mornings, takeaways, group chats, library meetups, cafe gossiping, and the small matter of getting a degree.

last chapter: there were confessions of love in a karaoke bar.

this chapter: a month on from the events of last chapter and with final exams and dissertations looming, Brooke thinks she can avoid Vanessa until graduation without having to confront anything that’s happened between them. this proves difficult when she’s trapped in the library with her.

***

Brooke was fine. She was more than fine, actually, she was good. She was calm, serene, fucking zen. If it wasn’t for the dissertation she had to hand in a week from now she would have ascended to Buddha-like status, doling out study tips to her friends like proverbs.

Brooke had always been good at exams. She’d been a straight-A student back in Canada, the whole process of revision coming naturally to her. She’d bought designated ringbinders for every subject, poring over textbooks and copying information out in messy cursive until she’d filled her whole refill pad. When she’d walked into the big assembly hall on exam day, she didn’t get the usual churning of her stomach or shaky hands that her friends had always described. It was almost as if the hall reminded her of taking ballet exams when she was a girl- she knew what to do, she had all the information in her head somewhere, and all that was required of her was to think and write.

Essays, however, had never come easy, which was a shame as they essentially formed the basis of Brooke’s degree. There wasn’t the fast-paced element to essays as there were to exams, and lengthy deadlines gave Brooke time to overthink, redraft, panic, delete, then do the whole process over again. She’d never fully got the hang of them; add in the fact a different tutor marked what she’d written every time and her grades were practically a lottery. She knew this element would follow her throughout her career- writing, fashion design, God even her ballet exams from years ago- it was all a form of art, and art was subjective. She knew there were designers out there that were universally respected, but none were universally liked. Nothing was universally liked. In an exam, there was a set of right or wrong answers, but essays were open to interpretation. An interpretation that her degree classification depended on.

Stretching and feeling her spine bump against the hard plastic chair, Brooke let out a huge breath. She could still see her Mum’s face if she remembered hard enough, when she’d told her her very first mark on her very first uni assignment back in first year; the way the woman’s face had faltered a little but forced a smile and a congratulations. It was the first mark below 70% Brooke could remember in a long time, and her Mum’s disappointment still stung. Brooke was currently sitting on a 2:1, but only just. Her dissertation was going to cement what degree she received and Christ, Brooke would be lying if she said the pressure wasn’t getting to her ever so slightly. It was at the stage where she was taking a beta blocker each morning before spending most of the day in the library. Sometimes she’d take another in the afternoon if she felt herself starting to panic. Maybe that was the reason she was so chill.

Looking at her laptop and the block of black text against white digital paper, she rubbed her eyes and glanced through the huge floor-to-ceiling pane of glass to her left. Her own sleepy face gazed back at her, the view rendered invisible due to the pitch black outside. Brooke didn’t dare look at the time, but she knew it had to be late if it was this dark at the end of April. Casting her eyes to Nina, she couldn’t help but give a snort of a laugh.

“What the hell are you doing?” Brooke asked, looking at the exploded rainbow of colour-coded flash cards that were strewn across the girl’s desk and spilling out onto the floor. There were scribbly neon post-it notes stuck all over her laptop screen and Nina probably had half the library stacked up in high-rise tower blocks on her desk. A quick glance at her screen showed Brooke that Nina had roughly sixty tabs open.

“My goddamn best.”

Brooke let out another laugh as Nina gestured helplessly at the mess in front of her. “Jesus Christ, Brooke, how the hell am I going to be a teacher if I’m this disorganised?”

Brooke gave a little shrug and raised her eyebrows. “I dread to think what your classroom desk is going to be like.”

“Probably going to accidentally kill a child on my first day. Nudge over a big pile of papers on my desk, boof. Dead,” Nina giggled, then let out a huge laugh and instantly clamped her hands over her mouth in embarrassment. The action made Brooke laugh out loud too until the pair were having a silent laughing fit in the exact place they weren’t supposed to be making any noise.

To be fair, the top floor was pretty empty given the late hour they were there. The few people that were left were already packing up their things and leaving, laptops shut in a manner of resignation. The yellow strobe lights that hung above gave the whole place a clinical glow, and the patterns on the fuzzy green carpet all seemed to merge into one. As Brooke ran a hand through her hair and was about to check the time on her phone, loud chimes rang out over the speakers built into the ceiling.

“Would all students please be aware that the library will be closing in ten minutes, that’s ten minutes. Thank you.”

Brooke almost jumped out of her skin. She blinked, then looked at the four numbers in the bottom right-hand corner of her screen. “Nina. No way is it almost midnight.”

“God. I’m not even surprised anymore. At this point it feels like we live here,” Nina groaned, cracking her back in a way that made Brooke wince then rolling her shoulders. “I guess we should head back to the flat.”

Brooke’s ears pricked as she heard a commotion from the other end of the floor. It sounded like a thunder of footsteps and a hissed argument. Turning slowly, Brooke’s heart sank as she saw exactly who she’d hoped she’d be able to avoid until graduation day.

Silky and Vanessa were standing at the printer a mere two sets of desks away from her and Nina. Silky seemed to be printing something out and insisting she wouldn’t be long as Vanessa tapped her heel against the carpeted floor impatiently, her Converse almost wearing a hole in the floor. Despite the late hour her makeup was still perfectly applied, and her hair was half hanging loose over her shoulders and half swept up into a haphazard topknot. Brooke pictured Vanessa growing frustrated at her desk, fretting over some form of past paper and tearing her hands through her hair, tugging her brown locks up and securing them with a hair tie. Brooke hoped she wasn’t too stressed about her finals. She remembered that when they were together Vanessa had had some form of big essay due, and she’d sat up in bed exhaling and worrying, typing furiously with her long nails crashing against the keyboard of her laptop like angry waves. Brooke had quietly brought her tea, wordlessly pressed a kiss to her temple, and Vanessa had cast her a soft smile that had made Brooke’s heart set alight.

Just then Silky looked across the room, saw her, and began to wave. Fuck. Brooke watched as Vanessa cast her gaze over to where she sat. Her eyes widened when she laid them on Brooke and she tilted her head to the sky, barely hiding a gigantic roll of her eyes as she followed Silky over to Brooke and Nina. Brooke had in the time it took for the girls to reach their desk to decide how she wanted to play this. It was a tough decision. Because in the month-and-a-bit since their dalliance in the hot tub, and an even shorter time since her crying meltdown to Scarlet in the Swan toilets, Brooke had developed a hard, harsh exoskeleton for herself that involved channeling all the love and regret she felt for Vanessa into venom, poison and dislike. If Vanessa wanted to be petty and unkind and rude to her, then fuck it. Brooke would be the exact same back. She’d tried it out already- responding to thinly-veiled barbs in the groupchat, ignoring her if they saw each other. Brooke didn’t want to act that way, didn’t want to do any of it, but she forced herself to do it in the way a small child had to be forced to eat vegetables; it was what was good for her. Good for them both. It was better that Vanessa hated her. She’d tried loving her and look where the fuck that had ended up.

The issue was, the frosty behaviour she’d return to Vanessa was uncontrollable. She knew it was causing vibes and tension in the group, splitting them all up and causing cracks and fractures in a time where they were meant to be closer than ever. Yvie had had words with her, as had Nina. It hadn’t got them anywhere. Brooke had tried to reach out to Vanessa, offered her so many olive branches that Vanessa had just started beating Brooke black and blue with them. Brooke knew it was for the best if she acted like the complete bitch that Vanessa thought she was.

“Hey, sisters! What you both doin’ here so late?” Silky asked cheerfully as she reached the girls. Brooke stuck a smile on her face, tried not to look at Vanessa and then failed. Her thick eyelashes were cast to the floor as she scuffed the carpet with her shoe. Brooke felt a stab at her heart. Luckily, Nina took over.

“Christ, I was just saying to Brooke it feels like we’ve moved in here. My diss is due on Friday and I’m stressed out of my mind. What’re you guys up to?”

Silky waved a thick stack of paper at Nina as if she was showing her evidence. “We were down on floor one but the janitor’s chucking people out. I needed some readings and figured he’d get up here last, so I just came to the top floor to use the printer.”

“Yeah, and we’re done now, so let’s go. I need to pee before we leave,” Vanessa muttered to her flatmate, her voice dull as she still didn’t tear her gaze from the floor.

Nina’s cheerful smile faltered. Silky, to her credit, looked embarrassed by Vanessa’s sulky behaviour. To Brooke’s dismay, Nina shoved all of her index cards onto her laptop keyboard and slammed it closed. “Well, hey! We were just leaving. We’ll come with you.”

Vanessa’s face twisted into one of discomfort. “Nah, Nina, really, it’s fine. I’m gonna head to the bathroom anyway-”

“We can wait for you! It’s no big deal!”

Brooke’s heart sank. Great. An excruciating walk back outside with the girl that hated her most in the world. Just as she was about to bullshit a reason why they couldn’t, Silky enthusiastically agreed. Brooke watched Vanessa bite her lip in frustration, give a forced fake smile and nod. They were both united in the fact that it was a situation neither of them wanted to be in. It was the closest Brooke had felt to Vanessa in a while.

Nina and Silky filled the silence on their way to the library toilets. They were only beside the lifts so not that far away, but every step felt as if it lasted a million years. Finally, mercifully, the girls came to the toilets and Vanessa ducked inside. As they waited, Brooke just wished and hoped she’d be quick so the awkward situation would be over sooner rather than later. One minute turned into two, and Silky became impatient. Brooke watched as she wrenched open the door and yelled inside.

“VANJ, C’MON! THE PLACE IS CLOSING SOON!” she shouted into the room, muttering under her breath something about Vanessa having a bladder like the Hindenburg. Brooke tried to be patient and cast her eyes up to the ceiling. Looking back into the floor of the library, she was alarmed to find it completely empty, void of people. It could have been that she was startled, but she gave a shout into the bathroom too.

“Vanjie, hurry up! Jesus!”

At this point Vanessa was standing blasting her hands with air from the dryer. She shouted something back at Brooke that Brooke couldn’t hear over the air jets, but she could hazard a guess as to what it was. Finally, Vanessa stormed out.

“Fuck me, will you girls hop off my dick? Can I not pee in peace without you rushing me along? We’ve got ages! It’s fine!”

And then everything was suddenly plunged into darkness.

Brooke gave an involuntary cry of fear, felt someone grab her hand. Looking down at her interlocked fingers and then up to who it was connected to, she was shocked to see Vanessa, her face illuminated in the green fire escape sign and completely petrified. All at once she seemed to realise what she’d done and dropped Brooke’s hand like it was made of hot metal. Nina had fallen silent, her expression one of shock, and Silky was uncharacteristically quiet.

“Fuck,” Brooke found herself saying. Her mouth had gone completely dry.

“It’s fine. It’s fine, they’ll just be turning off the lights before they lock up. Let’s just hurry up and get the lift,” Silky reassured them, but Brooke didn’t miss the worried frown that was set on her face as the four of them walked quickly. Vanessa reached the button first, scrabbled at it with her fingers. The little white light that usually illuminated the panel didn’t turn on.

“Oh my God this can’t be happening,” Nina whispered, her voice panicked and fast. Silky rested a reassuring hand on her shoulder, but the frown on her face was deepening. Reaching out, she pressed the same button firmly, jamming it into its little metal pad. Nothing. The girls stood in silence for only a few seconds, listening for the metal whirrs and clunks that the lift usually made on its way up or down the building. Nothing came.

“Stairs,” Vanessa said simply, her voice full of worry as she suddenly dashed in the direction of the stairwell. The three other girls followed and all pretence of remaining calm and walking was truly out the window as their trainers squeaked over the linoleum, feet thumping harshly against the steps as they tore down flight after flight. Brooke’s pulse was speeding so fast she thought she would have a heart attack, and the bones of her feet began to hurt more with every step she launched herself down two-at-a-time. Breathless and frantic, they finally reached the bottom floor, Vanessa crashing through the double doors at the bottom of the stairwell and speeding across the lobby to the main entrance. Brooke was hot on her heels, her heart now painful in her chest and her breath coming in thick, uncomfortable wheezes. Any hope she’d had sank to the floor with her gut as Vanessa pounded the automatic doors and almost wrenched the fire door off its hinges in an attempt to get out. It was to no avail.

“Oh my God. Oh my God,” Nina repeated, her hands flying to her face as it blanched in fear.

“Fucking shit- HELLO? HELLO? WE’RE STILL IN HERE!” Silky yelled at the top of her lungs to nobody in particular.

“Guys, I don’t like this,” Brooke said, hearing the shake in her own voice as her eyes darted around the huge, dark building frantically.

“No shit, really? I’m having a fuckin’ whale of a time, personally,” Vanessa hissed, casting a glare her way before going back to shaking the doorhandles in a futile attempt to open them. Brooke felt her face curl up in a sneer, all the fear she’d felt previously moved into a convenient little box and replaced with all-consuming anger.

“Ugh, JESUS, Vanessa, of course, of fucking course, we’re literally locked in a uni building with no way out and you choose to start picking a fight with me. Big fucking-”

“ENOUGH!” Nina shouted, Brooke taken aback. She had known Nina for almost three years now, and in that time she’d never heard her shout. Well, she’d heard her shout with happiness or joy or fear, but never anger like this. She felt like one of her primary school kids as Nina continued. “Both of you just shut the fuck up for one fucking minute! Can we at least just find a way out of here before you start a fucking domestic?”

“I’ll take the cafe,” Silky said decisively, shouting to the others as she ran in the opposite direction. “Nina go right, Brooke and Vanjie go left.”

Brooke narrowed her eyes, looking again at Vanessa whose gaze mirrored Brooke’s. Relenting and not wanting to risk another telling-off from Nina, Brooke obediently tore off in the direction Silky had told her to go. She weaved her way through desks and bookshelves, checking every window only to find them all locked. As she was losing hope, the dull, green light of a fire escape sign caught her eye. Brooke sighed with relief as she tore towards it. This was surely a guaranteed way out. Reaching the tall door, Brooke slammed her hands on the cold, metal bar that lay across it, pushed down, and waited for the cold night air to hit her face and calm down her panic.

Nothing.

Brooke frowned, trying again and pushing harder at the bar. This time she got her shoulder involved, leaning all her weight against it. It didn’t so much as budge.

“We’re outta luck. They’re all locked from the outside.”

Brooke turned to see Vanessa walking purposefully towards her. Her tone was frustrated, but not towards her at least. Brooke felt relieved. She was beginning to regret snapping at Vanessa earlier, even if she was meant to dislike her. She wondered if she felt as scared as she did. Brooke thought about how Vanessa always hid her fear, remembered the time they watched some shit, gory horror movie at hers when they were together. Brooke had flinched and squealed and buried her face in Vanessa’s hoodie every two seconds while Vanessa had laughed at her, told her it was all fine and fake, but Brooke could feel Vanessa’s heart beat fast in her chest and her stomach muscles tensing every time a new horrific sight appeared on screen.

Vanessa leant against the bar that Brooke had tried, punctuating it with an angry kick of her foot. “That shit’s illegal, you know. Locking a fire door. We could sue fuck outta them.”

Brooke couldn’t help the laugh that escaped. “Yeah I’m sure we, twentysomething students with collectively hundreds of thousands of pounds worth of debt, have both the resources and the influence to sue the university. They’d shit themselves.”

She watched as Vanessa looked at her, a glare about to appear in her dark eyes, then disappearing as she allowed herself a small smile and a single snort of laughter. There was a pause of silence. Brooke decided to fill it. “Let’s find the girls, maybe they found a way out.”

As they passed by the floor-to-ceiling windows again, Vanessa suddenly gasped and tore off to bang on the glass. Brooke followed her eyeline and was overjoyed to find what looked to be a janitor, finishing up and walking away from the building. She joined Vanessa and pounded her fists against the window, shouting randomly if only just to make a noise. Her hope began to die, however, when instead of noticing the absolute cacophony of noise the girls created, the man simply got further and further away. Brooke watched as he got his phone out, a long earphone cord attached to it. She slumped against the glass and let out a helpless moan.

“Fucking shit bitch ass motherfucker!” Vanessa hissed in anger, pounding on the glass with her knuckles one last time. Brooke watched as she took a step back from the window, flexed her fingers and gave a hiss.

“You okay?” Brooke found herself asking. She could already feel herself frowning in concern as Vanessa nodded briskly, shaking her hand out and sticking the knuckle of one finger in her mouth.

“Fine. Just got a lil’ over-enthusiastic, cut my finger,” she spoke around her knuckle. Brooke felt a pang at her heart. She took a step towards Vanessa.

“Let’s see?”

Vanessa gave another laugh, harsher and more sardonic than her first had been. “It’s fine, Brooke, I don’t need you to kiss it better.”

Brooke held her hands up, unable to help the way her eyebrows flew up her face. “Okay, I’ll just go fuck myself!“

“Yeah, do that,” Vanessa muttered quietly, sitting on a desk beside the window and pulling her legs up to cross them. Brooke, in lieu of snapping back at the girl she’d once called her friend but had never called her girlfriend, did the same. They sat in a hostile silence, thoughts running around Brooke’s mind as to what she could do or say. So many options flooded her head that it was hard to see any of them clearly for what they were. It turned out she didn’t need to give any of them that much thought, however, as Nina and Silky soon appeared from the other end of the building.

“Oh, good! You’ve not killed each other,” Nina said brightly upon her return. Brooke snuck a quick look at Vanessa, then rolled her eyes.

“Guess you’re as shit out of luck as we are?” Silky asked, her voice quieter than usual by at least a few dozen decibels.

“Can you believe they locked the fire doors? Fuck them, man, imagine there was a real fire?” Vanessa spat bitterly. Nina sighed heavily and shifted her weight from one foot to the other.

“We could try calling someone?”

Brooke frowned. “Who could we call?”

“The police?” Nina said immediately, her naivety causing the others to burst out laughing.

“And say what?! Hey listen, we know you’ve got murderers to catch but we’re locked in a uni building, could you bring round a big battering ram and knock the door down?” Brooke laughed, not missing the way Vanessa laughed in response and feeling a twinkle of pride light up in her heart.

“Well, could the fire brigade get us out?” Nina suggested, Silky groaning and pulling her hands down her face.

“Nina, you need to lower your expectations of what an emergency is. Four dumb uni students trapped in the library is not gonna be considered an emergency. We’re not in danger, we’re all breathing, and none of us have been set alight. That counts the big three out immediately.”

“What about a locksmith?” Vanessa shrugged. Brooke screwed up her face.

“Ah, for those locks that automatic doors have on them,” Silky deadpanned. Brooke laughed at the comment, clearly a little too loudly because Vanessa was back scowling at her again.

“Hey, they do so have locks, bitch.”

“I don’t think you can ask a locksmith to open a house that isn’t yours,” Nina frowned. Brooke raised an unimpressed eyebrow at her.

“I love my house, the university library.”

“Shut up! You knew what I meant,” Nina protested, as the other girls gave a laugh again.

“Surely there’ll be some phone number online for the janitor or something?” Brooke thought suddenly, Silky quickly taking out her phone to check. There was a moment of silence as the girls held their breath in hope. Finally, Silky let out an overjoyed cry.

“Cleaning supervisor main area- based in central library! Yes ladies! We’re fucking outta here!”

Brooke smiled so hard that her face hurt as Silky held her phone to her ear. Thank God. The nightmare was over, she could go back to her flat and not be literally trapped in a building with her ex. She would soon be-

The four girls jumped as a faint ringing of a phone could be heard from out in the lobby. For the hundredth time that night, Brooke felt her heart sink.

“I don’t really know what we expected from that,” Vanessa sighed, looking every inch the kicked puppy.  

It was quickly decided that their last hope were the girls who weren’t in the library, although this went down the drain fast as it was discovered that Yvie was over at Scarlet’s flat and they were both asleep, neither Akeria nor Monet were picking up, and Plastique had gone home to revise.

“What about Monique, Vanj? Could we try her?” Nina asked. Brooke was confused at the way Vanessa’s face twisted in discomfort, a little line setting deep on her forehead.

“Nah, she, uh…she won’t pick up,” she said simply, Nina nodding quickly and neglecting to ask any more about it. It didn’t stop Brooke from being intrigued.

“What the fuck are we gonna do, then? We can’t just spend the night here,” Silky’s voice was disbelieving. Brooke gave a resigned shrug.

“Silk, I don’t think there’s any alternative. It’s only a few hours, the place’ll open up again at six. We can go upstairs and sleep in those little pods they have for group projects. Then by the time we wake up again, it’ll be morning and we can all go back to the flat,” Brooke explained calmly, although inside she still had a lot of anxiety rattling about and the dark of the library wasn’t helping.

The girls reluctantly agreed that it was probably the only thing that was left for them to do. In nervous silence they climbed the stairs to the first floor, where Silky immediately set up camp in one of the pods, stretching herself out along the seats that had once been cushioned but had been flattened by hundreds and thousands of sets of bums over the years. Nina took one and set her laptop back up again, arguing that she’d actually been on a pretty good streak before she’d had to pack up and wanted to see if she could churn out another thousand words before she went to sleep. Brooke peeled off from the girls and took her own pod, her tall body unable to fully fit along the seats. As she attempted to sleep, one thing kept stopping her as it usually seemed to around this time of day. She sighed, tossed and turned as she thought about Vanessa. It had all gone so badly wrong. The more she tried to get her off her mind, the more memories she was reminded of. Hurting Vanessa was easier than loving her; snapping at her and being snarky made Brooke feel bad and a bit of a bitch, but loving her and torturing herself for what an idiot she’d been made her feel ten times worse, as if her heart had been removed from its sheath in her ribcage and been stomped on, kicked about, stabbed with a blunt knife and dragged through broken glass. Any attempt to sleep was futile. Brooke’s eyes hurt with fatigue as she sat up, rubbed them and stretched. She would go and see if Nina was still awake, maybe sit up and annoy her for a while.

As she crossed the floor she noticed a small movement out of the corner of her eye. Vanessa was sitting on the floor by the window, her legs crossed and eating a packet of crisps she’d managed to procure from somewhere. Brooke thought she looked so tiny compared to the huge pane of glass and the world that sat outside of it. Now that the lights were off, Brooke could see every detail that lay beyond the window- the soft yellow glow of the streetlights that faintly illuminated the park beside the library, the pink and white marshmallow cherry blossom trees that lined each path. A memory shot through Brooke’s mind like a lightning bolt- the eight of them in second year after their exams had all finished, having a barbecue in the park as the sun beat down and frazzled them all to a crisp, the smell of sausages and weed carried on the light breeze and the warmth in Brooke’s heart as Vanessa had teased her about something, the girls all laughing at Brooke’s embarrassment and protests.

God, they’d all been so happy.

Without really knowing what her plan was, Brooke walked over to where Vanessa was sitting and sat down cautiously beside her. The other girl looked at her, as if she was deciding whether to glare or smile. She ended up doing neither.

“Can’t sleep either?” Brooke chose as her opener, immediately regretting it for the cheesy line from a film it was. Vanessa gave a sarcastic chuckle, gestured around her.

“Apparently,” she said simply, Brooke looking at the carpet and kicking herself. There was a moment where the cogs in her brain whirred quickly, trying to come up with something else to say. Vanessa surprised her by speaking again. “I ain’t been sleeping too good lately anyway, though, so. I guess it don’t matter.”

“Me neither,” Brooke felt something click inside her, a surge of adrenaline coursing through her veins as she spoke again. “Vanessa, we need to talk.”

Vanessa kept her eyes trained on the pane of glass in front of her. “We are talking.”

“God, Ness, please don’t make this harder than it already is,” Brooke sighed, her face pleading. Vanessa’s head snapped round to face her and her eyes were what could only be described as murderous.

“Hard? Don’t fucking dare talk to me about hard,” she said, slowly and carefully and causing Brooke’s heart to frost over in fear. “This year has been shit, absolute shit, the shittest year of my life. You broke my heart- no, fuck that. You broke me. I had to take my goddamn feelings and put them all back together again, start from scratch while you swanned about absolutely fine. I am having to fight to get my average up because of the days I spent in my flat crying instead of going to lectures. Do you have any idea, Brooke, what this has been like for me?”

Brooke was silent as Vanessa continued relentlessly. “And then I finally got myself to a place where, hey, maybe I could be friends with you again! Then what happened? All the old feelings came back, didn’t they, and then we fucking…slept with each other and-”

“Hey, no,” Brooke jumped in, frowning and unable to listen to what was to come. “Don’t try to pin that on me, Vanessa, that was all you. It wasn’t me that fucking…straddled you in the hot tub and stripped off and talked about the sex I was having with other girls, was it?”

“Oh, no! You’re right. You’re correct,” Vanessa smiled sarcastically, soon getting replaced with a scowl. “You only got with me incredibly intensely in front of seven of our closest friends, who knew all the shit that’s gone down between us and watched like a fucking soap opera.”

“Well I didn’t hear you complaining at the time!” Brooke bit back, causing Vanessa to fall silent and play with a thread of her ripped jeans. Brooke let out a breath she’d been holding, took in a huge gulp of air. “Look, this is…this is off to a bad start.”

Brooke watched Vanessa’s throat move as she swallowed, her eyes cast downwards. Brooke was good at holding in her feelings, bottling them up like her life depended on it. She was terrified of feeling too much. She had no idea how this conversation was meant to start, but she knew she had to have it.

“Vanessa, I am sorry. I know it doesn’t mean much to you, but for what it’s worth, I am. I’m sorry for going about everything the wrong way. I’d never…done anything like this before, never properly seen anyone like I was seeing you, so I didn’t know how to behave. And fuck, maybe I was leading you on, and I’m sorry for that too. I just didn’t know what I wanted. Well, I thought I knew what I wanted but then I just…didn’t any more. I’m sorry for hurting you. I didn’t realise how much you liked me until it was too late,” Brooke cut herself off, sighing and feeling a bubble of sadness rise up in her throat. “Fuck, I’m trying to put it all the way I want it but nothing’s coming out right.”

Vanessa was looking at her, she knew it, but Brooke’s gaze had dropped to the floor. She brought her knees up to her chest. There was so much she wanted to say to Vanessa but none of the sentences she constructed in her head seemed to be sufficient.

“That night. You said that you missed me,” Vanessa’s voice was soft and small as she spoke, stripped from all the venom it had held before. “Did you mean it?”

Brooke jumped in instantly. “Yes.”

Vanessa was now looking at the floor, picking at her shoelace. “And did you mean…as a friend, or…just the sex, or…”

Brooke took a deep breath. I love you I love you IloveyouIloveyouIloveyou. The words were so close to coming out, but she stopped them. Now wasn’t the right time, nowhere near the right time. She tried to think about what the perfect response would be, sighed, scrapped it, and decided to just simply speak. “I miss you as…everything. I miss you as whatever you want to be to me. I’ll take whatever you’re willing to give me. I just miss you for all that you are, the person you are. I miss us,” Brooke paused, realised her last remark was slightly risky. “Interpret that…however you want.”

Brooke snuck a gaze at Vanessa. A thought struck her as memories ran round her mind, and now she had started talking it seemed she couldn’t stop. “Do you remember after we…after lazerquest. Yvie’s birthday. We met up and we spoke about things and you said something. That whatever happens, we’d be friends always. Do you remember?”

Vanessa gave a little laugh. “You can wear a set of armbands in a current, don’t mean you won’t drown.”

She saw Brooke’s confused look, shot her a bashful smile. “I never expected to…end up feeling so strongly for you at the start. Didn’t expect to get as crazy about you as I got. Man…I wish you could turn feelings off.”

Brooke felt herself frown, a deep regret settling in the pit of her stomach. “I wish that too.”

She didn’t miss the brief look of surprise that flashed across Vanessa’s face. In the lull in conversation that followed, Vanessa wordlessly pushed the packet of crisps towards Brooke. She took one. Chilli heatwave wasn’t her favourite flavour, but it was a peace offering, and she’d take what she could get.

"So I stopped sleeping with Monique,” Vanessa commented, shrugging a little. Brooke blinked, almost choked on her crisp as she raced to get a reply out.

“Uh, yeah, I did notice you were a bit weird about things when Nina said you should call her.”

Vanessa pushed some hair out of her face, puffed her cheeks up with air and blew out harshly. “Monet kinda told me…she was catching feelings, and obviously I wasn’t there for that. So I said to her we shouldn’t keep going.”

Brooke felt a little twinge of pain for Monique. The poor girl had a crush and was just caught in the crossfire. “And how did she take it?”

Vanessa stared through the glass, her gaze steadfast. “I could tell she was sad. Disappointed. She didn’t start cryin’ or nothing, but…God, I still felt bad. I liked her, you know, she was a great girl. Maybe there’s a parallel universe where she took my heart and patched it all up again and we ended up together but…that’s not what it was for me. And the more she said she understood and that she hoped I’d find happiness, the worse I felt for having to tell her I wanted something different.”

Brooke nodded. She wanted to tell Vanessa that she knew the feeling all too well, but she didn’t want to interrupt her. Vanessa turned her head slowly, finally making eye contact with Brooke, and her eyes were the softest they’d been in a while. “I guess what I’m sayin’ is…I know now what it must have been like for you to break it off with me. And yeah, it completely fuckin’ wrecked me but…you did what you had to do. So…I forgive you, Brooke Lynn.”

Brooke couldn’t quite believe Vanessa was in front of her saying all this. Instinctively she wanted to launch herself forward and hug her, thanking her for her change of heart. Just as she’d convinced herself she was almost going to do it, Vanessa spoke again. Her voice held a slightly more steely note to it now. “But I don’t forgive you for kissing me or for that night in the hot tub. That really fucked with me.”

Brooke fought the urge to snap a childish you started it at her and instead said a soft okay. She also fought the urge to reach out and place a hand on top of Vanessa’s. The building was still pitch black and silent and the girls had reached a conversational purgatory. Vanessa had forgiven her for some of her mistakes at least. This was the closure Brooke had wanted. Despite herself, she found herself opening her mouth. There was so much still unresolved.

“You must kind of hate me for that."

Vanessa snorted, tilted her head to the sky. "I do and I don’t.”

A small silence. Brooke knew what she wanted to say, knew what topic she wanted to breach, but it meant plunging head first into the icy chill of the great unknown, and as much as she wanted to talk about it she was terrified of doing so.

“Is that because part of you loves me?”

It was out before Brooke knew it. Vanessa had frozen, her body unmoving with her head still positioned towards the ceiling like a terrifying Exorcist yoga pose. Brooke could immediately predict it, could practically hear it- Vanessa’s quick, sarcastic response, don’t flatter yourself, her getting up and thundering away to another part of the building in some angry game of hide and seek. She couldn’t face any of those options, so Brooke continued talking. “I was in the bathroom at the same time. In the next stall along from you and the girls. I heard you say that you never got to tell me. Did you mean it?”

“Why are you asking me this, Brooke? Is it to add insult to injury? Is it not enough knowing that the girl you broke it off with can still come crawling back into bed with you so easily, you have to rub salt into the wound by getting me to fucking…” Brooke heard Vanessa take a big deep, shaky breath, felt the tears prick at the corners of her own eyes. “…admit that I’m in love with you, yes, okay? I love you. What’s the reason?”

“Because I…fuck,” Brooke jumped in then immediately stopped. She felt her jaw wire itself shut, almost paralysed with fear. She didn’t know if she could verbalise everything she was feeling. “I’m not good at talking about this stuff.”

“No shit, Miss Marple,” Vanessa quipped bitterly, her eyes back looking at the carpet and avoiding Brooke’s gaze. The lack of eye contact helped Brooke. She carried on.

“You know, I used to lie in bed before I went to sleep and rehearse what I would say to you to tell you I liked you,” Brooke gave a laugh, remembering when things were more simple. “Except none of it worked out that way. And now I’ve actually got a second chance at it, I’m almost too frightened to say it. I completely fucked it with you, Vanessa. You’re an absolute one of a kind person. Your smile just makes me happy whether or not it’s directed at me. The love and loyalty you have for your friends makes me proud of you. You’re so determined and hard working and you’re smashing your degree. And you’re kind. You see the good in everyone and you’re not afraid to feel and tell the world all about it. All these things that I just…love about you. It took me being away from you and making the biggest mistake of my life, and that night when we were together like everything was back to normal, it took all of that to make me realise that I’m…fuck..”

Brooke almost hadn’t realised she was crying until a sob bubbled up in her throat, almost choking her. It was almost like her body’s survival mechanism, trying to save her from the potential rejection she might face once the words were out.

Fuck it.

“I’m in love with you. I love you so much that it scares me. It scares me more than being fucking…trapped in the library in the pitch black with no way out,” Brooke let out a hybrid of a laugh and a sob. By now, Vanessa had lifted her gaze to look at Brooke, and Brooke had shifted hers so she could protect herself from Vanessa’s reaction. “Because I don’t want to hurt you again, and you deserve better than someone like me.”

“Then don’t,” Vanessa said quietly.

“What?” Brooke whispered, confused. She tugged the sleeves of her jumper over her hands and jammed them under her eyes, used them to stop the tears from escaping.

“You said you don’t want to hurt me again. Then don’t,” Vanessa repeated patiently. Brooke blinked. She had no idea what that meant, so she went with the knowledge she had at hand.

“I love you, and you love me,” Brooke said softly, finally meeting Vanessa’s eyes. “Can we…do something with that information?”

Vanessa let out a loud blast of a laugh, making Brooke giggle even though she didn’t know what was funny. “God, that’s the most Brooke Lynn Hytes way of asking me out ever. Can we do something with that information.”

Vanessa’s smile was infectious. It lit up Brooke’s heart and she wanted nothing more than to lean forward and kiss her gently, to make Vanessa hers properly this time. As her smile faded though, Brooke felt her hope fade too. Vanessa let out a world-weary sigh. “Brooke, I don’t…I don’t know if I can do this all over again.”

Brooke’s heart dropped to the floor and shattered. She wanted to say something, fill the silence and reassure her, but nothing came out. She had opened up, and it had all been for nothing. This was her karma- she had broken Vanessa’s heart and now here was Vanessa breaking hers. She felt crushed. Lacking the energy to do it properly, she nodded her head once, the action small and probably barely noticeable.

It was so quiet that Brooke could hear Vanessa swallow beside her, hear her breathing deeply to calm herself down before she spoke. “You never hear it in the movies but sometimes…sometimes love isn’t enough, you know, sometimes you need to put yourself first, and sometimes the person you love ain’t necessarily the one who ends up making you happiest.”

Brooke felt her chest grow tight, felt ashamed as her head hung to the floor. She saw two tears fall from her eyes and drop onto the carpet, making identical, miniscule ponds.

“But then also,” Vanessa continued, the but aspect causing Brooke’s heart to dip and soar upwards as if it was on a rollercoaster. “I love you for a reason, don’t I? The way that you say shit that’s all sarcastic and funny. The way you make me laugh. The way you’re always blunt and truthful, and when you say nice things to me it feels like you’re just saying a fact. The way you got this childish, immature streak to you that makes everything feel like an adventure when I’m with you. You listen in the best way, ‘cause you never try an’ force advice down anyone’s throat. You’re always so concerned about everyone you care for and want them to be happy…and even though you ain’t good at expressin’ it, I know you have feelings and I know they scare you. You’re like a fuckin…model, you’re so beautiful and perfect. So that’s as simple as it has to be, right?”

Brooke looked up and saw tears in Vanessa’s own eyes. All the honesty was so raw and painful, like burnt or grazed skin, and it hurt and stung as if it was real. It was real. Brooke hid a sob, took a deep breath. “I don’t, uh. I don’t know where we take this.”

“I want to be with you. I want to love and be loved, feel my heart fuckin’…burst like it’s made of confetti,” Vanessa continued, letting out what could have been a sob or a laugh. “But I want to be happy. I don’t want to be hurt again. I’m scared.”

“I’m scared too,” Brooke nodded, feeling the tracks the tears were making down her face. She sighed, the pain in her heart too heavy for her to carry. “Fuck, maybe we’re just not meant for each other, maybe we got our chance already. Maybe nothing should come of this-”

“But, fuck, I love you, Brooke! And you love me,” Vanessa sighed in exasperation, her mascara collecting under her eyes as her own tears continued to fall. “And that…that means something.”

“I love you,” Brooke repeated, in case it counted for anything. It meant the world to her. Vanessa gave a sad smile, reached out and took Brooke’s hand and laced their fingers together. She squeezed Brooke’s hand twice, and the simple gesture made Brooke hopeful that everything was going to be okay.

“Shit, I waited so long to hear you say that and now it’s like…” Vanessa began sadly, trailing off. Brooke didn’t push her to finish her sentence. Instead, she squeezed her hand like Vanessa had done with hers. The action seemed to work as a prompt, because she spoke again, tilting her head with curiosity. “What do you want outta all this?”

Brooke knew immediately. “I want you. I want us to be us again.”

Vanessa let out a soft sigh, paused. “Okay, well. I don’t know what I want right now, Brooke. An’ it’s gonna be hard to start again. So you’re gonna need to give me time to decide.”

“That’s okay. I’ll wait for you. You can take all the time you need,” Brooke reassured her instantly. “I’ll still be here.”

Vanessa’s hand shifted in her own. Brooke watched as she frowned a little, cast her gaze her way again. "You mean that?”

“I mean it. Whatever you decide. Whether we’re worth an extra chance or not. I’ll wait for you.”

A small smile crept onto Vanessa’s face as Brooke waited for her reply. “That’s the most romantic shit anyone ever said to me.”

“Well, it’s just the truth,” Brooke muttered, feeling her cheeks grow hot and glad that the dark room would hide her pink blush. Then, getting an idea and feeling a little spark of that childishness and immaturity Vanessa seemed to love so much, Brooke let go of Vanessa’s hand and held out her other one for her to shake. The other girl looked at her, a funny, confused smile on her face as she took her hand and shook it obediently.

“Hey. I’m Brooke Lynn,” she began, trying to suppress her smile as she spoke. Vanessa giggled, falling back a little then leaning forward.

“What are you…”

“Starting again. What’s your name, beautiful?” Brooke teased, all the darkness somehow bursting into colour as Vanessa laughed beside her, swatting her on her arm with her hand. She hadn’t seen this Vanessa in so long; happy, laughing, cheerful and playful. Brooke could’ve cried with how much she’d missed her.

“This is some dumbass shit, you know that?” Vanessa giggled, but Brooke could see the blush on her own cheeks illuminated by the streetlamps outside. Vanessa appeared to see her expectant face, laughed a resigned laugh and indulged her. “Nice to meet you, Brooke. I’m Vanjie. Well, Vanessa, but everyone calls me Vanjie.”

“Can I call you Vanessa? It’s pretty. It suits you.”

Vanessa laughed again, making Brooke give a chuckle too. “Bitch! You never flirted with me this hard the first time.”

“Well the first time we were friends, so I couldn’t flirt with you. Not properly like I wanted to anyway,” Brooke laughed, taking a Dorito and throwing it at her playfully. Vanessa squealed, toppling herself out of the way. “You, on the other hand, flirted all the time.”

“I’m a flirtatious person! You shouldn’t have taken that shit personal,” Vanessa protested, attempting to look offended but unable to wipe the smile off her face.

“So Vanessa,” Brooke carried on, trying to stop herself smiling as she carried on with the charade. “What are you studying?”

They carried on like that all through the night, being silly and getting to know each other again right from the very beginning. They had missed out on so much conversation over the past few months that it was actually nice to catch up, to re-establish herself in Vanessa’s life. She was looking at graduate jobs in events management for after uni and thinking of moving home to save money. For a fleeting moment Brooke almost suggested that they move in together but she was glad she had the sense not to verbalise that, a thought that was perhaps better bottled up and saved for another time. After all, Vanessa hadn’t even decided if she wanted to be with Brooke or not yet. Brooke had to cling on to the hope that maybe she would, because she had nothing else. Well, that was a lie. She had Vanessa’s smile and her laugh, the twinkle in her eyes when Brooke made a deadpan comment. She had the way Vanessa opened up to her, told her how scared she was of trying to navigate the world on her own after she graduated. She had the way that Vanessa shuffled close to her when the sun eventually began to rise, its glow a burnt orange ombre into a soft yellow which faded into the gentle blue of the morning sky. She had the way Vanessa’s head fit perfectly into the crook of her neck as, worn out and exhausted, she closed her eyes and dozed off in Brooke’s tentative arms.

Most of all, she had the fact that Vanessa loved her, and Brooke loved her back. And even though it hadn’t been the movie scene confession Brooke had been expecting, that fact, the sunrise, and Vanessa sleeping softly against her chest was enough for her for the moment.  

[pavlikovskaya]

the secret history live blogged

forever mad that i got spoilered so much on this book.

anyway hello! and welcome to this … shit fest of the secret history by donna tartt aka the biggest letdown of my life

enjoy! i didn’t

ok whaatttt the fuck. he was walked over?? he was packed and squished under ice?? WHAT DID THIS BUNNY GUY DO TO MAKE Y’ALL SO MAD????? istg what the fuck. cruel cruel fate

four against one, i knew y’all were assholes. you sounded like assholes before i even knew what your names were.

i have to say, i’m not a very big fan on the beginning: hello, my name is richard, i am 28, this is my story. makes it sound like he’s in an AA meeting, but i’ll let this one slide.

years at home dispensable like a plastic cup? fictional history and upbringing tales? [*clears throat in relatable*]

my father was mean, my house ugly, my mum didn’t give me attention, must kill someone to cope and serve the aesthetic™ of rejected, unloved child, brooding and mad at the world. got it.

if richard, plain and poor is the one who kills the rich asshole bc he’s a rich asshole, i might relate to him more than i thought.

[*slams book shut*] okay. okay. am i gonna have to google every other phrase in this godforsaken history book or is donna gonna go easy on my ass?

sounds like a university i would love to go to. oh, pardon me, CoLlEgE.

wait, they’d pay him back for the plane if he GOT IN??? and if he didn’t well then what, soz dude, tough luck , such is life, see ya never? makes a lot of sense. should pay him back regardless imo but hey, i had to pay £50 six times to audition at universities who, all six times, rejected me, so.

three days on a bus and arrival at six in the morning? i cannot fathom a worse scenario.

this prof conducts his selection on a personal level rather than on an academic one, said with a note of sarcasm? is he … you know … ?

ahhhh these saucy saucy tea spilling french people, gotta love em. ‘listen, i know i’ve only met you three minutes ago, but i’m bout to spill some serious tea which i must ask you to keep to yourself and never mention for i have some formidable enemies in the literature division, yes, my very own department, but we all actually love each other. you know, in a very shakespearian ‘i shall murder you at the end of the play but for now, let’s make sweet love under the stars as a witch friend of mine who will later murder you watches’ way. all very platonic. but don’t say a word of it.’

who do you think was with morrow when richard came to see him in the lyceum and what were they talking about? GODDAMN IT, this french bastard put me in a gossipy mood.

bunny — short for edmund…….

god, i love a redhead.

richard and me being whipped by francis and his long, flapping black coats, love to see it.

‘pseudo-intellects and teenage decadents abounded and black clouting was de rigueur’ can I enrol ~now~????

francis talks to cats and bunny yells from his window down at the incest twins to stop snogging in the garden. i can’t wait to see which one am I at the end of the book

henry and julian driving off together? do i smell something…. gay?

THEY WRITE WITH FOUNTAIN PENS????? [*flashbacks from my childhood intensify*].

i do not understand most of these references or sentences and if the whole book is like this, i will throw myself out the window in attempted suicide even though i live on the ground floor.

i have absolutely no idea what they’re on about.

hwhat

francis in black cashmere and cigarette smoke brushed past him and almost touched his arm. how bloody delicious is this??

‘give him some flowers and he’ll enrol you.’ ok, julian is definitely the gay prof everyone falls for.

at this stage, i would rater have voted we kill henry, not bunny, but we’ll see.

‘i was tired of being poor.’ [*buys a tie with pictures of men hunting deer on it*] ‘that’s better.’

‘i believe that it is better to know one book intimately than a hundred superficially.’ donna tartt gave me the book and the reason both.

constantly chuckling at the way richard is so completely mesmerised and intimidated by francis to the point that he’ll duck into a doorway to let him pass even though they’re going to the same lesson.

I don’t know how a ‘bostonian voice’ is supposed to sound like so francis will be slightly british in my mind for the rest of the book.

cubitum eamus? cubitum. eamus? CUBITUM?? EAMUS????? OH! GOD! HELP ME! THE SWEET SWEET HOMOEROTIC FORESHADOWING OF IT ALL!!! throwback to when, in a much too similar vein, boris, upon being asked by theo to say something in russian for him, he said ‘fuck you up the ass’. my heart is racing with yearn. i can’t fucking believe i just read this. it’s time to bust out the annotation tabs again.

oh my gooooddd whAt is henry’s problem????? he reminds me slightly of number one from the umbrella academy, but in a meaner, more show-offy, bastardish way that’s supposed to showcase his superior intelligence over all mortals like fuck you, go read harry potter and chill.

‘meke (s.p.) you Wear it’? i take it meke is actually make but what on earth is (s.p.)? google gave me 238 possible definitions for that acronym and, needless to say, i didn’t bother.

i love how donna’s main characters are funny essentially bc they’re bitches towards other people they deem inferior to them in their internal monologues.

if you were drunk and ‘slam-dancing’ at a party, i don’t have to be stuck up or elitist to judge you and hate on you. even less so if you throw your beer in my face.

‘love that jacket, silk, isn’t it?’ ‘yep, my grandfather’s. totally not from that annoying girl in my dorm whose mate your mates beat up at a party last term for shoving camilla and throwing a beer in her face and who probably only gave me the jacket because she wants to fuck me, nope.’

‘let me get that door for you.’ that’s it, that’s the tweet.

when bunny said they should round up the ‘officious fags and burn them at the stake’ i yelled the loudest what the fuck i’ve ever yelled at a book. i can see now why they killed him. and i bet that’s only the tip of the iceberg.

okay, his true colours are starting to show. it’s even more unnerving when i think about the fact that like half of this stuff is supposed to be true.

called it, they’re boning.

i can’t wait until francis locks lips with richard. i am simply tingling for it. i hope he and camilla have a threesome with richard at this country house. oh wait no, they’re all here. eh, maybe another time.

oh, we finally get some juicy inside gossip

if francis and richard don’t fuck in that gorgeous immense library, i will riot.

okay, what’s henry’s deal? he’s nice now? and he’s oddly … interested in/caring towards richard? like who the fuck says ‘i hope you slept well’ without at least a little affection towards them.

AHAHAHAAHA, NOW I GET ALL THOSE MOON LANDING QUESTIONS ON THE TSH RELATED UQIZZES I STUPIDLY TOOK. I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS REAL. imagine them lot in present day completely bewildered and confused at the fact that the whole world is in lockdown for some weird fucking reason. this is the funniest shit ever, swear to god.

dogs get heart attacks?

wow they’re being dicks. that shady shit they’re doing’s so fucking rude aajksdhfkfh and to think i had initially thought richard was the ‘leader’ of their group...

okay, they’re either all into bdsm or they’re some odd breed of late vampires who don’t have much of the traits/qualities of ‘classic’ vampires as they have possibly diminished over the centuries as the species was becoming extinct. maybe witches. hm. or occultists. I REALLY DON’T KNOW!!

richard be like ‘what should I tell you?’ well—and this is merely a suggestion—, how about you start with what they’re actually doing when they’re not hanging out with you?????

i can’t wait for bunny to figure/find out richard’s not actually rich and be a dick about it.

two months??? what kind of bonkers winter vacation between terms is that???

is being constantly cold part of the dark academia aestehtic? cos it certainly seems to be.

what the fuck are these (sp)s bunny keeps putting in his letters??

i hope somebody (henry, or maybe francis? as something that would bring them together?) is fake rich too.

ouuuuu here comes the dark, mental stuff.

richard dropped out of drama to study the classics. if we were villains is a group of people studying shakespeare. coincidence? i think not. it is with dread that i think at the possibility that i might like the other more because so far, i can’t say i’m heavily impressed with tsh.

now i’m all for weird, fancy names, but marchbanks is really an odd one. who the fuck looks at their newborn baby and goes ben? nah. tom? no. MARCHBANKS! perfect.

henry winter saves richard from a piping cold winter. ah, don’t bother, i’ll do it myself [*jumps out the window*]

henry dislikes electric lights? smokes cigarettes without filter? reads milton translated into latin ‘just to see if a language with no noun cases could possibly support the structural order he attempts to impose’? can this dude be any more pretentious?

BUNNY! IT’S BUNNY! HE’S FAKE RICH THE BASTARD! ALL THAT ‘oops, forgot my wallet’ BULLSHIT, I THOUGHT IT WAS A TEST FOR RICHARD OR JUST RICH PEOPLE LEECHING OFF OTHERS (why spend yours when you can spend theirs?) BUT NOOOO, HE’S BROOOOKE! AND AN ASSHOLE! WHAT AN ASSHOLE!!! serves him right, the asshole (that gay people being burnt at the stake comment really bothered me despite the fact that i laughed). and not only is he broke and leeching off of henry, he leeches in the most shameless, greedy, extravagant and ignorant way, ordering the most expensive thing on the menu fuck out of here.

ha! he got fat the bastard. found some sugar daddy to sustain you during your last month in italy or what?

this rabbit dude sure has some big balls for a broke ass bitch.

‘let me see your head wound.’ vs ‘your arm.’

‘that sort of tension which i, being rather more disinclined that way than not, am quick to pick up on. i had caught a strong breath of it from francis, a whiff of it at times from julian (…)’ sounds like we got another one boys, a straight dude with the best gaydar in the world. that being said, julian is the fakest bitch in the book so far.

this secrecy is killing the ever-loving shit out of me. argentina one way?? whY

lol if you’re gonna steal his book with the intention of having him come back to the apartment and see all that shit, at least don’t put it in such an obvious place where he couldn’t have possibly missed it. for such a smart guy, you sure are dumb, dude.

francis’ mother be like ‘give that bad boy a kiss from me’ and i’m like HE BETTER.

richard the worst liar. just say your mum called for fuck’s sake! you could get your boyfriend in trouble!

cheesecake cover: ‘please do not steal this, i am on financial aid.’ bunny: [*steals it*] the cheesecake: [*sucks*] me: serves you fucking right, pig.

THINKING ABOUT HIS HANDICAP. I’M YELLING. funniest thing donna tartt ever wrote.

i bet they’re all there sat at the table like nothing happened and weren’t supposed to leave anywhere at all.

called it! motherfuckers.

what the hell is going on. are they a gang of assassins or something?

richard: ‘you killed somebody, didn’t you?’ henry: [*laughs as if it was the most ridiculous idea in the world and how could you possibly suggest such a thing*] yep

bunny: gays are weirdly obsessed with food, don’t you think? also bunny: [*gets excluded from the bacchanal because he couldn’t stop eating*]

okay. i can see now why this book started the whole dark academia aesthetic

aight, that’s all good and great (far from it) but WHERE IS MY FRANCIS CONTENT????

going through the motions of hating and liking henry every other chapter.

everybody: [*burning clothes, cleaning the car, running this way and that to get rid of evidence*] francis: aight y’all imma take a power nap real quick cool? cool

there is hardly anything in the world i hate more than loose-of-tongues. bunny and that bitch ass hely from the little friend. god, i want to sock each and every single one of them in their stupid bloody loud mouths.

i want to know, i really want to know if there are any bunny apologists or … s…. s… [*grits teeth*] stans out there. don’t worry, nothing will happen to you, i just wanna talk.

if it’s henry and richard and not francis and richard,,,,, i will riot.

boy this henry guy smokes a lot…. more than me in my prime.

as if this dude reenacted the murder he wasn’t even present at in the lobby of a hotel just to torture henry. i can’t believe this character is still alive and has been for so long.

FINALLY! one francis moment that indicated there will be no more francis moments…. .

funny that, reading the secret history put something into perspective about the goldfinch for me.

i love how richard just casually throws it in there whenever he happens to mention camilla that he loves her and wants to kiss her and that she’s so beautiful and blah blah blah and then it’s never brought up again ever because he’s constantly going on and on about henry.

wait, don’t tell me it’s happening now, in the middle of the book! that would be most unexpected as there’s a whole entire book following.

henry is such a stone cold bitch, i wonder where they put his heart when they made him, in his ass?

don’t tell me henry went boxer dogs on JULIAN?!?!?! he wouldn’t. … would he?

i don’t know. i get it, obviously, the gravity of the situation, but going as far as killing him to silence him is a bit … extreme in my opinion.

thank you, charles, for being the only voice of reason in this madness.

okay, i understand it’s in richard’s best interest not to be involved, but they called him there to what, make him listen to all this and then send him on his merry way?

charles: well, if you wake up intending to murder someone at two o’clock, you hardly think of what you’re going to feed the copse for dinner. [*crickets*] francis: hey, how about asparagus?

henry: someone’s coming. quick! act normal! richard: [*turns to inspect the trunk of a tree*] [*footsteps approach*] richard: [*inspection of tree intensifies!!*]

you’re a bit late, bunny, just saying.

and now what the fuck is the rest of the book about? what do we do, let’s run, let’s stay, let’s go to the police, what do we do with him?

i love how richard describes himself as part of the process: we dwelt on it, we convinced ourselves, we devised plans when in reality, he was only there as an attaché, he wasn’t included much, almost at all in the actual planning process of it other than to give his insight on the poison route because henry thought it was his area of expertise so to speak when, really, it wasn’t and then was told about the other plan because they simply thought he should know. even then henry tells him ‘you can go now, if you like’ because there wasn’t anything they sort of needed him for anymore since he wasn’t going to be there, he was just a pair of ears. i like to think he was there in hopes to maybe dissuade them, try to stop them, tell them how mad it is, tell them there’s another way, but he didn’t do much of that either (not that I think he would’ve succeeded anyway, had he tried, henry’s one stubborn motherfucker). he didn’t come up with shit, he wasn’t supposed to even be there, i think, much less contribute in any way. had bunny not told him about the bacchanal, richard would have probably found out about it after it was already done, he was only included for the fucks of it and yet, he talks as if he was right there in the room with them, brainstorming ideas how to kill him. and i get how it only comes from a sense of obvious guilt because he knew about it, he was there and didn’t do anything to stop it, but he’s by far not one to have agreed to the whole thing or condoned it in any way from what he’s told us in book one. he himself says in the very same paragraph that he only watched. he’s very much a dark academia nick carraway type of character and i hate it. because i like him. he deserves better.

i’m pretty sure that the reason that serial killer autobiography you picked up in an airport was bereft of details is because no publishing house would allow such lurid specifications that might shock, disgust, enrage or give ideas to the reader in their book, not because the author is shy, richard, but ok, let’s move on. actually no, let’s not. you can’t expect the autobiography of a killer to only tell you about the murders, especially since in this particular instance, he was caught and went to prison. of course he’s going to tell you more about that than the killings, have you any idea what prison life is like? how much it eats away at your soul? how it crushes your spirit if you have one and how hard it is to get over? the time he spent in jail is going to haunt him forever and after such a long time in there, however long it was, you hardly think about your crime as anything but a huge mistake that was not worth the torment if you’re not a downright psychopath which, since he came out and wrote a book about it, doesn’t seem to be the case here but i guess you’ll find out all about it soon enough.

OH! a francis moment???? could this be it? please dear god may this be it.

it wasn’t, but there’s another one!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

‘it’s fun, i promise you.’ [*dies*]

if this is it, if that’s all, i am not forgiving this book.

‘i tried to pull him out but it was no good; his head lolled back uselessly’ YEAH. BECAUSE HE’S DEAD, RICHARD. [*scoffs*] ‘uselessly’

i wish i held any of my teachers and professors in at least half the high regard henry holds julian. i also wish they were half as competent and passionate about teaching as julian.

I DON’T BELIEVE ‘HE WAS JUST THERE’. IT’S BORIS AND THEO AT 6 AM IN THAT NEW YORK BAR ALL OVER AGAIN. HE’S ONLY SAYING THAT BECAUSE RICHARD WENT ALL ‘YOU’RE NOT HOT’ ON HIS ASS AND I REFUSE TO BELIEVE OTHERWISE. if they don’t kiss again—

i can’t help but admire the way they communicate sensitive information to each other in ancient greek, they sound like characters from jane austen novels while talking about drugs and saving face from tabloids and gossip, it’s rather amazing.

quite pointless to go through all that trouble to hide the cigarettes and deny having been smoking when the smell will be there no matter what and she’ll know for sure. i swear, all these seemingly smart ass people are actually idiots

my question is why would anyone, drunk or not, for any reason, leave the top down in the rain? why? what possible pleasure could one get from driving in the middle of the rain with rain actually pouring down on them?

isn’t linoleum a bit tacky for a house that looks like it’s been in architectural digest?

why is charles so on edge? why are they all always hiding??? camilla and her late night 3 am phone calls, her secret phone code with henry, charles mysteriously going out for cigarettes so brusquely without a word in the middle of the night and refusing to talk about it, what are they all always hiding?! nobody trusts one another with anything, it’s very annoying, to be honest. aren’t they supposed to be super best friends? you’d think that after a bacchanal and a double homicide, you wouldn’t keep secrets from one another, but i guess not.

ah, shame. was kind of hoping for some sneaky richard/francis basement action, but alas. what’s their ship name anyway, richis?

i just spoilered myself again, twice, by going through the tsh tag on tumblr and then looking for francis/richard fanfics on ao3 and finding out that francis marries? gets with? a girl who’s apparently called fucking priscilla. donna tartt really has a knack for weird fancy names, huh? i’m here for it tbh

richard you fucking snitch! you had one job!!!!!!

why the fuck are they still keeping him in the dark about shit? henry and charles quarrelled and charles is in jail and henry still won’t tell him what’s so bad about it and why he wants richard to handle all this shit instead of him and why bunny’s murder still matters and why why just why are they still using him as their pawn??

seriously, this exchange was about the worst they’ve had so far. he himself knows it: ‘there was a silence during which I felt acutely the hopelessness of ever trying to get to the bottom of anything with henry. he was like a propagandist, routinely withholding information, leaking it only when it served his purposes.’ THEN WALK AWAY. SAY NO. PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN. FUCKING—UGH!!!!!!!

they’re all so shamelessly using him… i can’t read. it’ll kill him, one way or another.

these ungrateful little shits i swear to god. richard bails him out, he’s all thankful and sweet when he wants him to do ‘this one little favour’ of taking him to his francis’ house so he can break in and when richard’s like i don’t have a car, he immediately turns sour and passive aggressive like you know what?! richard hasn’t slept all night and all morning waiting for your ass to go to court cos you were a drunken idiot and decided YET AGAIN that driving in that state is a great idea so he can bail you out and when you are finally out, you start being fussy and then it’s all ‘right. thanks a lot’??? richard doesn’t fucking need this shit! y’all are horrible friends. he’s not your bloody servant. how about you take that stick and privilege out of your asses and start treating him a bit more kindly, huh???

‘henry made me swear not to tell.’ WHAT. WHAT. BITCH, GET THE FUCK OUT.

this is by far the most toxic friendship i’ve ever heard of.

oh wow that kiss was hot. i thought it was just a speculation that they were incestuous with each other, but i-i guess not.

FINALLY it gets interesting. Mr Abernathy spilling some piping hot tea mmm

he literally just said i’d sleep with you if you got drunk enough to let me. oh dear god help me.

oh fuck it got sad. It’s patrick and brad all over again ugh always happens to the best of gays

finally richard my boy starts hating them, as he should. except francis, you’re a dick in that respect. he’s only joking for fuck’s sake, don’t get all butthurt, jesus. sensitive much?

uuuuuu tunts Tunts TUNTS! shit is hitting the fan. henry, henry, henry, our ‘golden boy’. nothing but a crook himself, the motherfucker. i’ve been waiting for this reveal since the beginning of the fucking book. if they gang up on him and kill him, i will never stop laughing.

it’s as if he’s begging to be excluded and hated, i swear. why is he being such a prick? does he love her? is that it? then there are a BILLION other ways to go about it, he doesn’t have to be such a shady bitch!! besides, wasn’t he in cahoots with julian?

‘i was depressed, i thought if i slept here it might make me feel better.’ that’s so precious tho….. funny, but precious. such child-like innocence in this grown ass intoxicated man, i melt.

clever, luring him out of the playground under the false pretext of a drink when he’s had plenty. think like a drunk

the only consistent, recurring and ever-present elements in donna tartt’s books are the hors d’oeuvres.

it’s so cute how charles needs him, i—

girls be like: watching a film, listening to a podcast, talking on the phone, having dinner, figure painting, filing nails, writing an essay and doing their makeup all at the same time

this so called love he feels for camilla is so unfounded and feeble and just … it seems so out of the fucking blue every single time he mentions it, i can’t read this shit. IT’S SO SEE-THROUGH!!

okay WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK DID I JUST READ. WHAT. THE ACTUAL. MOTHERFUCKING. FUCK. one second he’s ‘i love her so much’ the next he wants to strangle and rape her?????????????? i have zero goddamn words. i am fucking speechless. i don’t think i have ever been this confused at something since i watched the turning. i don’t think you realise quite how done i am with this fucking book at this point.

i think i do hate henry more than bunny and i’m afraid i’ll like if we were villains better.

richard: [*takes sleeping pills*] also richard: [*surprised he can’t keep up with the film he started watching after taking sleeping pills*]

‘look,’ said francis. ‘let’s just go, if we leave now we can be in montreal by dark. nobody will ever find us.’ vs ‘well, i’m not going,’ said boris serenely. ‘fuck that, i’m running away. do you want to come?’

this henry bitch is the most difficult piece of shit i’ve ever fucking encountered. ‘you mean, it’s something you need to tell me in private?’ oh FUCK OFF AND STEP OUTSIDE, FOR FUCK’S SAKE. IT’S ONE THING I ASK OF YOU, YOU TWAT.

huh, i thought he was doing this shit on purpose, leaving the page face down on the table so that julian could see it, i thought it was some sick twisted plan of his.

lmao called it. everybody saw through julian’s façade except richard and the others and i completely understand. in a fashion much like julian’s, i think he knew that, he saw it, but just chose to ignore it because the image he posed and richard himself constructed of him in his mind was much more favourable to what he really was. i mean, fuck, who the fuck says ‘i hope we are all ready to leave the phenomenal world and enter into the sublime’ with their whole chest and mean it?

if you think he’s not coming, why sit in silence staring out the window, ignoring everyone and wasting everybody’s time instead of telling them from the very start this piece of information you have on hand that could save everybody a lot of trouble, time and overthinking? why be all mysterious and enigmatic about it? just tell them from the start, you’re not in a film for fuck’s sake……..

charles, one of the four of them (henry, camilla, julian and himself) might be the one i despise the least, almost like had he not been so brutal towards camilla,,,, but i don’t know if i can trust her, that whole scene seemed … staged somehow. i don’t know. i don’t know

didn’t expect henry would turn on julian too though. first real thing he’s done all book.

agatha

christie

writes

good

mysteries.

richard does seem like the type of fellow who would grow up in a household where his dad would strike his mum for no fucking reason.

okay so did henry punch him for that comment or not? what was all that father beating mother bit for?

#boysweekendinthecountry! 🤪 #partytime! #ignoringourproblems! #woooo!!!

oh my fucking god chARLES!!!

yes, henry, great, brilliant, fucking splendid idea to antagonise the man pointing a gun at you.

MY PAUL SMITH SHIRT!!!!!!!!! AHAHAHASFSHDGFDK

i love how absolutely nobody noticed fucking richard BLEEDING RIGHT NEXT TO THEM

‘expected everyone to stop and look at me. no one did.’ and they never will. that’s your whole friendship summed up in two lines. you don’t matter to them, you never did, you’re absolutely unimportant. just a tool, a pawn, a nobody. sorry you had to get shot to realise that.

‘’he shot me.’ somehow, this remark did not elicit the dramatic response i expected. before i had the chance to elaborate—’ ELABORATE WHAT? ELABORATE WHAT?! THAT’S ALL YOU NEED TO SAY!! GOD, this hurts to read. this angers me beyond words, but it also fucking hurts so bad…

nothing, not even getting shot can make richard lose his wit

disGUSTING henry and camilla moment. I HATE THEM

oh shit. did not see that coming. well, glad that’s over.

ugh, time to read how francis got hetero married :\

[*chokes*] DUE TO THE VERY EXCELLENT EXCUSE OF HAVING A GUNSHOT WOUND IN THE STOMACH I DIDN’T TAKE MY FRENCH EXAM YAY!!! god, i fucking love Richard.

the thing is, right, i read that line, ‘i managed to get out of taking my french exams the next week’ about three or four times and somehow, the following line or even the words ‘gunshot wound’ never made it to my eyes! i don’t understand how! but i’m completely happy about that given the fact that i spoiler myself on every single book i read by reading ahead like an idiot..

how much do you want to bet that it was the inn keep who called the ambulance and not those fuckers? because of course henry, dead henry’s more important than slowly dying, almost dead but not quite richard.

despite everything, it sounds like he had a nice summer in brooklyn. good for him. god knows he deserved it, the poor guy.

yeah no, fuck henry’s post-mortem hero narrrative.

lol, at least he got a nice car out of it. this book shows me once again that things happen just the way they should happen.

OH MY FUCKING GOD NO. NO. NO. NO. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! I CANNOT READ. I DO NOT SEE. I REFUSE TO COMPREHEND THIS PIECE OF INFORMATION.

i will not say a WORD on this, much less his letter. i am hurt, i am wounded, i am grieving, my head is full of thots and i cannot speak. i died on this bed.

ugh [*rolls eyes*] this fucking guy again with his sudden, out of my ass declarations of love towards camilla. JUST GIVE IT UP ALREADYYYYYYYY!!! TELL IT TO SOMEONE WHO CARES!!! (francis) i wouldn’t be surprised if she was married or engaged and just didn’t bother to mention it ‘because he never asked’ or some bullshit excuse like that.

I HATE HENRY I HATE HENRY I HATE HENRY I HATE HENRY [*deep breath*] I FUCKING HATE HENRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

he’s telling me about all these people and where they ended up after graduation but not only do i not give a single solitary fuck, i actually don’t know who the fuck he’s talking about?? like who the fuck is bram guernesnesnica? rooney wayne? what the fuck do i care what jack jud and frank did?

the only people i do remotely care about are the professors (the saucy french teacher and the boring, senile dude who wouldn’t shut up and who kept referring to richard as ‘jerry’ in his grad school recommendations letter ahahah that is the content i signed up for, not dumb and dumber’s bar or whatever) and the cat charles left at francis’ country house who lives in a ten fucking room apartment in boston.

love how ionic the whole marion storyline turned out to be. marred another corcoran who looked just like bunny and had a daughter who, despite having her and his mother’s name ended up being nicknamed also bunny. i’m sorry, i just—i have to laugh.

[*slams fists on the table*] THE AGENTS??? YOU’RE GONNA TELL ME ABOUT THE BLOODY FBI AGENTS???!!!!!! CAN THIS BOOK PLEASE JUST FUCKING END ALREADY??????!!!!!!!!

a dream. a dream. if it’s a dream of henry i will personally shoot you and make sure i aim a little higher than your abdomen this time.

[*shoots the book*]

oh, you died and suddenly you have a sense of humour?

‘that information is classified’ [*shoots a torpedo at the book*]

‘are you happy?’ / ‘not very.’ vs ‘are you happy here?’ / ‘not particularly.’

okay. so. final thoughts: fuck this book.

good night

[floralseokjin]

— crystallised 03 (m)

crystallised /ˈkrɪst(ə)lʌɪz/ (verb) make or become definite and clear

Six weeks, that’s all it takes to forget about the threesome you shared with your boyfriend, Yoongi, and your past...fuck buddy, Seokjin. After all, it’s no big deal. Yoongi and you are doing better than ever, there’s no reason to regret such a night shared. That is until you hear some gossip in the library one day, and then slowly, little by little, everything starts to fall apart... Can you begin to make sense out of all this confusion, or is it too late?

pairing; min yoongi x reader, kim seokjin x reader genre/warnings; love triangle (? if you can call it that, more so just a lot of confused feelings by everyone involved), college au, one flashback (indicated by italics) with some smut, angst, seokjin is sweet and cute and my heart can’t take much more! words; 16,158

sequel to; memoirs of a mistake and lostmyhead

chapters; 01 ⤑ 02 ⤑ 03 ⤑ 04 ⤑ 05 ⤑ 06 ⤑ 07⤑ 08 ✓

“Hi, can I come in?” 

Seokjin hesitated. You could see it in his eyes too. You didn’t blame him. He was probably wondering a million and one things right now. Like why you were here at something past eleven in the night, and why were you looking the way you did? Face puffy, dried tears and mismatched clothing on. The colour of your pants clashing with that of your t-shirt. To put it frankly, you looked a complete mess. 

“I… You want to come in?” He changed the direction of his sentence right at the start. You nodded but you thought he missed it, turning his head to look behind him for a second. You didn’t miss the way he inched the door closer to him, blocking your view of inside his house as he stood out on the step. He didn’t have socks on. His feet were probably cold. You shook your head. Your mind was making you pick up on the trivial. 

But when Seokjin spoke again you were sure his tone was quieter. As if he didn’t want someone to hear him.  “What’s happened?” He did sound worried though. It made you want to pour your heart out. Stupid, you knew, but you couldn’t help the need deep inside you. You just wanted to talk to someone. Talk to him. 

You got to opening your mouth before you were interrupted. A voice calling his name. “Seokjin?” It got louder. In the back of your mind you realised you knew the voice. “What’s going o…” It only came to you when you saw her face. Jemma. She trailed off in surprise, stopping behind him. His body covered most of the doorway but she could definitely see your face between the gap of one of his shoulders and the wooden frame. 

“Jin?” She prodded, sounding awfully interrogating. He sighed lightly, almost like he’d accepted his fate and opened the door wider again. Jemma’s body came into full view. Her mouth was open, taken aback, but she still managed to glare at you. 

“Oh, my god,” you murmured, seized in shock yourself. Cheeks heating up with embarrassment you looked at Seokjin. “I’m sorry. I’ll just go.” You were an idiot. You’d unintentionally interrupted something, because of course you had. Turning up unannounced and so randomly was always going to cause a problem. You just hadn’t expected it to be Jemma. But then…why wouldn’t it be her? She was the one talking about him in the library. Interest laced in her tone, implication deep in her words. She had wanted him… She had gotten him… 

The distaste was heavy on your tongue. Almost like your second betrayal of the night. It was a silly thought. Seokjin didn’t owe you anything, but you were already so hurt and sad, and you didn’t like the other girl. Possibly uncalled for seeing as you didn’t know her all that well, but it was just a feeling you had. You couldn’t ignore it, and definitely not now. 

“This was a mistake.” You were almost talking to yourself. Scolding yourself as you turned to dash back to your car. 

“No!” Seokjin’s voice raised in volume as he called out to you and you felt his hand wrap around your wrist. You stopped, his hand falling to yours, tugging it gently, wanting you to face him again. “No. No. Wait.” Against better judgement, you did just that. Your hands stayed locked together until you both noticed Jemma staring at them. Seokjin pulled away, scratching behind his ear as he looked across at the other girl. “Um. Jemma, do you mind if this ends now? Like we take a raincheck on…this…?” 

Shit. You hadn’t been expecting that. Despite him stopping you from leaving, you didn’t realise he’d ask Jemma to do just that instead. Duh. You were so stupid. You should say something, but you were still a little mortified, even more so now, and you guessed the damage was already done… 

“You want me to leave?” She exclaimed, and something about her attitude seemed to rub Seokjin up the wrong way. 

“Yeah,” he said, tone abrupt. “Something’s come up. It’s kinda important, so.” He gave a little shrug and there was a moment of silence. It seemed to last an age. You stared at your feet. When you heard a noise of disbelief from Jemma, you looked up to see her storming for her shoes a little down the hall. 

“You cannot be serious.” She muttered under her breath, pushing them on aggressively. She was red in the face. Possibly with anger. Possibly with her own embarrassment. Seokjin went to open his mouth to say something when she grabbed her coat, but she shot him a look, nearly barging straight into him on her way out the door. He managed to sidestep it. For some reason she didn’t try to do the same to you, but the glare was enough. Oh, God. What had you done? Tonight was one mess after the other. 

You didn’t look back but you could hear her getting into her car across the road. Slamming the door, kickstarting the car loudly and then she was gone as she sped off. The road was filled with silence again. “Shit, Seokjin.” It was all you could say. “You didn’t have to do that.” 

You gave him a quick, hopefully subtle, once over. You couldn’t help it. Why had Jemma been here? Had you interrupted something? Your stomach felt funny just at the thought. Yet, Seokjin had been more than okay with virtually kicking her out. He wasn’t dressed out of the ordinary. Yeah maybe his t-shirt seemed to be ironed and he was wearing his best jeans, but nothing special special… Maybe he’d taken her out somewhere casual? A date…? Seokjin was dating now? 

“No, it’s fine,” he replied, shaking his head. He didn’t seem particularly bothered. About that. But with you, he was looking at you with wide eyes, they shook a little as he tried to read your face. “Now tell me what’s up.” You’d never heard him sound so worried.  “Come inside.” 

He didn’t take your hand this time, so when he stepped inside you were still stood in front of the doorstep. Frozen. You didn’t want to pour your heart out anymore. You couldn’t pour your heart out. You were being selfish. Turning up at Seokjin’s door like he owed you something, flipping his night unexpectedly upside down. What did you want? Why were you here? Nothing made sense. None of it did. Your argument with Yoongi. How that led to him breaking up with you, like he’d been racking it through his brains for days, weeks… Ignoring your actual friends in favour of running to a guy who was just trying to live his goddamn life in peace. You weren’t a part of his life now. Hadn’t been in so long. Yet, why was he the only face you wanted to see right now…?  

“I should go,” you whispered, turning to make a quick escape, but Seokjin was quicker. His hand found you again. This time it was your waist. Fingers digging into your side firmly, weight holding you down. He felt warm. He felt nice. It comforted you, and your face crumpled, emotion tearing at you. 

“You’re freaking me out. Come inside.” His tone was firm. It wasn’t an offer, and maybe yeah, you didn’t want to leave. You didn’t know what you wanted. That seemed to be a running problem. But you followed him inside, missing the warmth of his touch and kicking off your shoes where Jemma had grabbed hers. 

“You knock on my door, looking like you’ve been crying.” He carried on. When you turned to look at him he began searching your expression again, desperate for some kind of answer. “Everything okay with your parents?” 

“Yeah,” you answered straight away, surprised by his kind question. “Everything’s fine.” For the most part. You mean, except for your relationship falling apart in the blink of an eye not even an hour ago, your life was fine. A loving family, good friends, your grades were high. It was all fine. Just now you didn’t have Yoongi. You didn’t have the guy you had thought was the one anymore… 

“It’s just…” You began, your voice small and shaky. You hated it. Hated Seokjin seeing you like this. It was mortifying. Why were you here again? But he listened carefully, eager to learn the problem. Immensely worried. Shit. You were such a bitch. “Yoongi broke up with me.” 

The words sounded strange on your tongue. Like they hadn’t come from you. It was all very well thinking it in your head but now it was out loud. You sounded pathetic. Seokjin’s expression froze, his eyes widening a tad, unable to blink. Slowly his brows creased together, the most puzzled look etching its way on his face. He sounded just as bewildered. 

“What?” 

It was the last thing he’d been expecting. You knew immediately. But really there was never going to be a plausible reason for knocking at his door near to midnight. “He just broke up with me.” You couldn’t seem to go into more detail. It also seemed you couldn’t cry anymore. You were still in shock, and your dried tears made your eyes heavy.  

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have come here. I-I don’t really know why I did.” Broken thoughts were bouncing around the front of your mind. Honestly, what were you thinking right now. Panicked you took a step backwards. “I’m just not thinking straight. I should—

“Just slow down.” Seokjin reached for you, hand on your shoulder. His voice was soft when he continued and you didn’t like it. It was a pity voice. He pitied you. “Start from the beginning.” 

“But I shouldn’t have come here.” Your voice was a whine. It would be easier if he just told you to get lost instead of feeling like he had to be nice to you. He didn’t owe you anything. You knew that. Yet here you were, looking for it. 

“Like I care about that,” he scoffed. It shut you up. “You’re here now, and you’re not going until I get answers—In the least creepiest way possible.” He added, a small smile twitching at his mouth. You looked at him. It felt like nothing could cheer you up right about now, but you appreciated the sentiment. 

“C’mon, let’s sit down,” he murmured, wrapping his arm around your shoulders. You followed him with dragging footsteps. Sitting on his couch with something swirling in your stomach. Guilt. You just didn’t know what or who for. 

Seokjin had to prod eventually because your mouth wouldn’t work without questions and your voice still didn’t feel like yours. “Yoongi broke up with you?” His tone was careful, bordering awkward, just like the situation you’d put him in. At no point in the last couple of weeks did he agree to be any type of emotional support to you, but here you were. Maybe that’s why you felt guilty? But you nodded anyway. “When?” 

“Like an hour ago.” 

Seokjin made something of an exhale in shock. It wasn’t supposed to be loud. You weren’t supposed to hear it probably, but you did. He hadn’t expected that. Hadn’t expected you to turn up at his door pretty much immediately afterwards. You hadn’t either. Your gaze fell around the room, trying to distract yourself. Sandeul’s door was wide open, empty, signalling he wasn’t at home. You could also see the opening to the kitchen from where you were sat and something caught your eye. Caught you by surprise. You looked at the coffee table in front of you. Two wine glasses. Both pretty full. Like the people drinking had been interrupted. You had sabotaged his night. What an idiot you were. 

“Why? How?” Seokjin’s voice grabbed your attention again. Rushing his questions without much thought until they slipped from his tongue. “I mean, I’m not forcing you to talk but I’m just so confused…” 

“I don’t know.” Yoongi’s reasonings were still swirling around your head. The weight of them still heavy on your chest. There were honestly a lot of things on your mind right now. This night was just getting worse. You looked down at your lap. “I’m a little in shock. I’m sorry.” 

“Yeah… It’s fine. Honestly,” he spoke sincerely. It just made the guilt rise. “We can just sit in silence. Anything that makes you feel better.” 

“No.” You shook your head. You weren’t apologising over that. “I’m sorry I turned up at your door uninvited. Ruined your date.” Your eyes found his kitchen again. The stacked plates by the sink. You thought of Jemma sitting where you were minutes before. Wine glass in her hand after agreeing to spend the night. She could finally drink if she wasn’t driving home, but then you turned up.

It could’ve been different though. They could’ve spent the night together. Your stomach lurched, a visual inside your mind you didn’t ask for. It was unjustified. To feel this way. Seokjin was free to do whatever he wanted. Sure had been for months. It just made you feel weird to know any later and you would’ve turned up at his door interrupting a very different moment. With Jemma. Jemma, out of all the girl’s at college? Argh. Again, unjustified. You wanted to scream. Your mind was just a tornado of emotions. 

“Huh? No. Oh shit, no. You didn’t ruin anything.” He seemed confused at first but turned eager to reassure you. It didn’t though. He tried again. “It wasn’t even really a date.” You watched him shrug offhandedly. It wasn’t? It sure looked like a date. He realised your confusion and sighed a little. “It’s a bit complicated.” 

You frowned. He seemed a little frazzled over his own problems and here you were offloading more shit on him. You wanted to ask him what was wrong, but your tongue wouldn’t work. Maybe you were too afraid of the answer. It was stupid. You thought he noticed. 

“Look, it’s not about me right now,” he smiled. Almost like he was trying to reassure you. “I’m fine and you’re not, so please, let me be there for you.” 

His words made you chest feel a little tight. Like you could burst into tears again in seconds. Someone being nice to you when you were upset just made the dam collapse. That was usually the case. But in this case, it could very well be something else. His words weren’t Seokjin-like. Not the Seokjin you were used to anyway. 

You took a while to speak again, lulling into silence. He really didn’t want to pressure you, and in turn that gradually made you want to open up more. Yoongi’s words floated around your head like a bad memory. A very recent bad memory. You needed to get rid of them. “He said he couldn’t fall in love with me.” Your voice felt deafening. “He said it should’ve happened by now.” 

There was more silence, only stunted this time. You could hear Seokjin wanting to open his mouth and say something but he was struggling himself, shocked. “Shit,” he finally managed. “I’m so sorry.” It was always weird how people offered their condolences in the form of sorry when something bad happened. Everyone did it. “I can’t begin to understand what that feels like but I… I’m really sorry.” 

“It’s okay, Seokjin,” you smiled. It was emotionless but at least you were trying. “Don’t feel so bad. You’re not the one who broke up with me.” 

He gave a little shrug. Unsure of what to say. “Yeah, but...”

You groaned softly, fresh humiliation washing over you. “I don’t know why I came here.” This was so unfair on him. You’d hijacked whatever the hell was going on here tonight just to put Jin in an uncomfortable position. This was not how he wanted his night to go. Whatever he told you. “I should’ve called Lina… I just–” Lina would have hugged you and you probably would’ve cried like a baby. She was your best friend, not Seokjin. So, why were you here? 

Maybe it was because you felt comfortable enough to confide in Seokjin, while the very thought of doing the same with Lina made you want the earth to open up and swallow you whole. Because you’d kept your relationship problems, worries, whatever the hell they were, hidden from her. In fear of popping your perfect little fantasy. You didn’t have to lie with Seokjin. He’d been there the night of the party. Seen how your relationship was a goddamn joke. “Just the thought of telling her. I feel like such an idiot.” 

He jumped on that straight away. “Hey, it’s not your fault at all. You have nothing to feel stupid over.” You understood that. Maybe. It never felt great to be dumped. “It’s that fucker’s.” If you didn’t know any better, you’d say Seokjin sounded mad. You had never really seen him pissed – bar maybe the night of Namjoon and Hoseok’s party, but that had disappeared immediately once distraction appeared… No, you shouldn’t think of that night. That stupid night… 

“Honestly, what the fuck is his problem?” Seokjin carried on, pausing to hesitate, as if he was wondering if he should carry on with whatever he was about to say. He couldn’t feel that passionate over you, right? 

“I-I know you probably don’t want to hear this right now, but he doesn’t seem all that perfect. He’s the idiot.” 

“He’s not.” You shook your head. Yoongi was the sweetest, even when he was breaking up with you. Just Seokjin hadn’t seen that. All he had to go by was you sad at his door, tears dried down your cheeks. “There’s more to it.” You didn’t quite know what. But there was. The break up was the right thing, you understood what Yoongi meant, no matter how much you felt like it was wrong. 

Seokjin tilted his head, sounding dubious when he spoke again. “Getting drunk, propositioning you for a threesome and then storming off when he got embarrassed?” 

Okay, that night hadn’t looked good on him, but now you knew the truth about it you felt like you could understand him better. “That’s a bit of an over exaggerat–”

“Did he ever apologise for that?” 

You nodded. “He did. We worked it out, but…” 

“You didn’t?” Seokjin asked gently. 

You could probably go into it, tell Seokjin why Yoongi had ever thought another threesome was a good idea, but…you just felt awkward. Reminding you, why were you here exactly? Perhaps Jin understood like no other, but at the same time, that made it worse. He didn’t ask for any of this… He was just trying to live his life. So, you nodded again, slower this time, closing your eyes sadly. “I’m beginning to think the relationship was never going to work out.” You were an idiot for even thinking you could have a proper relationship. 

Seokjin was silent for a moment. It wasn’t particularly painful, actually it was nice to have some quiet to try and still your thoughts. When you opened your eyes again he was running his hands through his hair, face etched with something – guilt, worry, stress... All three?  “I really don’t know what to say. I’m sorry.” 

He didn’t really need to say anything. You had no expectations. Not when you’d forced him into this situation. You watched as his hair flounced back over his forehead, stopping just above his eyebrows. “You cut your hair,” you commented, something unexplainable in your gut. 

“Yeah,” he said, laughing a little as he ran his fingers through it again. “It was kinda getting on my nerves a little, so…” You nodded and smiled in understanding, but your chest squeezed tight. You felt put out. So unbelievably unjustified. But that night he’d walked you home you’d told him not to cut it because you liked it. Joke or not, it hurt a little to know he hadn’t listened. God, you were way too sensitive tonight. It wasn’t like your opinion mattered to him whatsoever. Why would it? You weren’t a part of his life anymore. 

“You’re tired,” he hummed, mistaking your no reply for something else. He had no clue you were lost in thought over some dumb shit that meant nothing. “Do you want to stay over?” Your heart suddenly jumped. “I’ve been drinking so I can’t take you home. Of course you can drive back by yourself and call me when you arrive home okay, but I don’t know… Do you want to be alone tonight?” 

He watched you, waiting for a reply. His expression was oddly serious, so unlike the Seokjin you knew, you wondered if you knew the real him at all? You wondered if you deserved his kindness? You wondered why his question made you feel funny inside… Something you hadn’t felt in a while… 

“Do you mind?” You wanted to add an ‘I’m here now anyway…’ but that seemed rude somehow. He hadn’t invited you. You’d taken that upon yourself. 

He didn’t mind. At all. In fact, he seemed quite happy to offer you his bedroom, his bed. Even looking inside his drawers for something for you to wear. That seemed unnecessary. You told him just as much. Your clothes were comfortable enough to sleep in and you were pushing your luck just stealing his bed for the night. He laughed and agreed without little argument.

In all honesty, imagining wearing Seokjin’s clothes to bed was a little… You didn’t know. It made you feel weird. As did just being his room again, lying on his bed. You hadn’t been here since the night you ended things with him. How long ago was that now? Months ago. It seemed like a lifetime ago, yet seeing how nothing had really changed here made you feel strange…sad? His sheets were still the same pattern. So that meant he still had only one set, choosing to wash and dry it every time he cleaned. The same things littered the top of his drawers, a pen pot, deodorant, cologne, the freaky Super Mario figure that used to watch you have sex… It was all still there, and pretty obviously, the room smelt just the same as it always had. Of him. The smell on his sheets seemed to blanket you, and while it brought you some comfort, it also made you feel something else. Weird. Your brain felt clouded. Maybe that’s why you asked the next thing.   

“Can you stay for a little while?” Seokjin had been standing like a spare part in his own room for last minute or so, unsure of what to do or say next, but he froze when those words came from your mouth. You tried again. “We can put the TV on? Maybe I’ll fall asleep.” 

He hesitated. You thought about reassuring him. It was definitely not like that at all. It was a stupid request possibly, yes, but you just simply weren’t ready to be alone. However, before you could open your mouth again he was nodding slowly. You didn’t miss the way his eyes ran down your body a little. As if he was fully comprehending the situation. You were lying on his bed once again. After all this time. 

The mattress dipped as he laid down, shoulders slouched against the headboard and he grabbed the tv remote, switching the screen on that was attached to the wall opposite. Ah. There was a change. The TV. That was different. The low buzzing of the volume almost soothed you a little, the dim glow of the screen too, but most of all it was Seokjin’s presence. He hadn’t spoken since, nor had you, and he kept a distance between your bodies but it felt nice anyway. Let you stare at the tv without really paying attention but somehow distracted you from thoughts of Yoongi.  

When he did finally speak again his voice was low and careful. But eager, curious. “Can I ask why you came here?” He watched you stir next to him, looking his way. “To me?” 

He wanted answers. You didn’t really blame him. But in all honesty you had nothing. Nothing concrete or satisfying. “I don’t really know.” Your voice was quiet.  “You’re just the first person I thought of.” That much was true. You’d felt it so deeply you’d rushed over immediately.

There was a beat of silence, but your shitty reply seemed to have sated him a little. “Well, it’s fine.” He slid closer to nudge you with his shoulder. Those thoughts suddenly came back. What it would feel like to have Seokjin’s arms around you. They were dangerous now. When you were with him. In his bedroom. On his bed. “That you came here. I don’t mind.” 

You didn’t reply this time. Too preoccupied. You began to remember the night he’d walked you home. How he’d sidestepped your attempted kiss. Because you had tried to kiss him. Would he refuse you now, if you tried the same thing? Not that you wanted to. It was all hypothetical, but it seemed to be your thing. Seeking comfort from him when you were hurt. However, he probably new that. That’s why he’d ignored it last time, and had been wary to stay with you right now. He probably didn’t want to take advantage of you when you were emotionally vulnerable like this, unless… He really didn’t want you like that anymore. That was a strange thought. 

Seokjin used to want you a lot, all the time. Until you hadn’t wanted him back… You. Now here you were, the one left heartbroken from a failed relationship. God, that made you seem so self-centred and selfish. Yoongi was hurt too. Not just you… 

“Do you love him?”

Seokjin’s question broke you out of your thoughts. “Sorry,” he apologised, noticing he’d interrupted you. He repeated himself, rewording slightly. You realised you hadn’t misheard him in your daze. “Are you in love with Yoongi?” 

Your answer came quickly. “No.” No hesitation. Maybe you had time to get used to it, maybe it was something else. “I never really thought about it. I mean,” you paused before carrying on. “I did. I just assumed I was in love with him. Or it was leading up to that.” It felt good to get your thoughts out. To realise how you’d been mistaken these past few weeks. Blind to a lot. “I was waiting for him to say it first because I thought that’s what people did. I thought he was the one. I liked him so much.” You shook your head, correcting yourself. “I still do like him. It’s just I don’t think it’s ever going to be love.” Yoongi was correct. 

Seokjin had listened politely all the way through. You hadn’t looked at his face when you spoke so you didn’t know what his reaction was, but he asked another question shortly afterwards. “Why did you think he was the one?” 

That question made you pause. It seemed a little more weighted than the other, and you didn’t really have an answer. It was Yoongi. Any girl would be lucky to have him as a boyfriend. He was perfect. He could be anybody’s one. Just not yours. You’d been mistaken. You shrugged. “It just felt like he was, but I don’t know anything.” You spoke the next sentence without thinking. “If he was the one we wouldn’t have done what we did.” You looked at Seokjin. “You know. Us. At the party.” 

There was a beat of silence. Almost awkward. “Yeah.” Seokjin muttered. 

You didn’t want to bring the past up, and definitely not that, but now your head was spinning with fresh thoughts. Ideas. Reasons. Answers. “Maybe it is my fault.” 

“Huh?” Seokjin asked softly, confused. 

“He told me it wasn’t to do with that, but thinking about it, it just seemed like he was trying to make me feel better. Less guilty.” The threesome would’ve never happened if you hadn’t been messaging Seokjin. Hadn’t agreed to go upstairs. It wouldn’t have happened if it wasn’t for you, period. Maybe you did this. Destroyed everything you could’ve had with Yoongi before it even had time to begin. 

Seokjin sighed your name. “Don’t say shit like that.” His voice sounded thicker, probably tired. Lying here in the dark, dealing with an overemotional… God, what were you to him? For what felt like the hundredth time since you’d arrived, you wondered what you were doing here? What you wanted from him? “People always blame themselves during a break up. Sometimes it’s just no one’s fault.” 

“I know, I just…” You pushed your head back, staring up at the ceiling. “I just want all the answers. It felt like he was keeping things from me.” 

“Maybe he didn’t know how to say everything. I mean,” Seokjin shifted on the bed, the mattress dipped again. So did your stomach for some stupid reason. He was closer now. “The break up seems pretty sudden. How did it happen?” 

You swallowed, feeling a lump in your throat. You didn’t know if you were ready to relive it all. “A small argument just blew up. He’d been trying to hide it for a while. I saw, I just didn’t want to accept it.” Wilfully blind. Wilfully ignorant. Scared. 

You turned your head to look Seokjin’s way. “The other night at the party, he wanted to cancel things out. He was drunk so he wasn’t thinking straight, I don’t know…” You weren’t here to make excuses for him. It didn’t particularly make much sense to you, but at least he was being honest. “But maybe a part of him wanted to see if things could go back to normal if we, y’know…” You couldn’t say it out loud. You didn’t have to. Jin knew. 

“I see.” The furrowed brows told you he didn’t see much sense in that either, but he chose not to say anything. You felt the need to defend Yoongi anyway. Or to justify something…you didn’t know anymore. 

“He’s not a bad person, Jin, maybe I am…” 

“Oh, don’t start again,” he whined. He was joking. Or hiding the seriousness of his request with humour. 

“C’mon, every relationship I’ve been in has ended terribly. I need to start wondering if the problem is actually me. I mean, you can’t even call them realtionships.” You weren’t the relationship type. Maybe guys could see that right off the bat. Maybe you were unloveable. Insecurities that you could usually keep locked away were rearing their ugly head again. It was always the same after a break up. 

Seokjin’s eyes met yours, his gaze almost boring into you. He looked that way again. Uncharacteristically serious. He murmured your name. Strangely it comforted you immediately. Like the warmth of a hug. “It’s definitely not you. You’re amazing.” 

The warmth reached your heart. You smiled at him. “You mean that?” You thought he must. The sincerity was there in his voice. 

“Mmhmm.” He hummed, gaze lingering on you for a moment before he looked away. He swallowed. “Of course.” It felt he had wanted to say more. Or something different. You could push him. Ask him what it was, but what was the point? He’d said enough. Your chest felt a little lighter. Your insecurities at rest for now.

“Try to sleep now.” He told you instead, standing up to pull his covers back for you. “It’s getting pretty late. We can talk some more in the morning if you want.” He shrugged. “Or not. Totally up to you.” 

You smiled again and obeyed, climbing inside, surprised when the smell of him on his sheets comforted you further. No weirdness. No sadness. Your eyes got heavy as soon as your head sunk into his pillow and you couldn’t help but shut them. Your mind could happily play tricks on you at this point in time. You heard Seokjin switch off his tv and to your surprise the mattress dipped as he sat again, knees folded. His back hit the headboard and you could feel him right beside you. He didn’t say anything. Was he waiting until you fell asleep? 

You spoke into the dark, eyes still shut. It made it easier. “Thank you, Seokjin.” 

A pause. “For what?” 

He sounded surprised. You thought the thanks would be easy to understand. Thank you for the help tonight. But…there was something else too. You opened your eyes. It would probably be easier to say it against the darkness of your eyelids, but without the glow of the tv it was just as dark. “For being a good friend.” Nerves churned in your stomach. That one word. Friend. Why did it make you feel so scared? Maybe because he might not see you as that… “I feel like I’ve been taking you for granted lately.” 

“Shut up.” He chuckled quietly, but he sounded awkward. Embarrassed? “What do you mean?” 

“Well, it’s just–” You stopped, wondering what you were actually trying to say. It was getting late and you were tired now. Your mind was tired, maybe you were speaking without filter. “I cut you out of my life after things with Yoongi and I got serious…” 

“I get that though.” He replied, turning his face slightly to look at you. You just made out his features. Could he see you? “It had to be that way.” 

That much was true. Everything you had that wasn’t to do with sex had to be left behind too. You couldn’t have the rest without the sex. At least that’s what you’d thought. Now maybe friendship was what you needed… Why you were here… 

“Yeah, but now here I am, first signs of trouble and asking for help. Advice. I don’t know… Comfort.” The last word lingered. Accidentally. If he noticed he didn’t let on. However now you were on a roll. Thoughts possibly making sense. “You helped me out the night of the party. You were really nice. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it lately.” 

Seokjin stayed quiet, looking directly in front of him. Listening intently? Politely? You couldn’t tell. “I guess that’s why I came here tonight, because you make me feel better so easily.” It was true. You believed it with everything. Here, in his presence things didn’t seem that bad. Much better than if you’d been at home alone staring at the ceiling. Much better than if you’d been with Lina crying your eyes out. 

He scoffed lightly. “I feel like I haven’t been much help tonight though.” 

You shook your head, still staring up at him even though he wasn’t looking. “Just being around you is helpful. Trust me.” 

“Damn,” he laughed. “Stop inflating my ego.” This time he moved his head, eyes meeting yours.  

You couldn’t help but laugh too. It was only small, but it was something. You were okay. This wasn’t going to mess with you too long. You were strong. You could handle this break up. “And you always know how to make me laugh…” You mumbled, rubbing your face in his pillow, his scent filling your nostrils. You felt sleepy. Comforted. 

“I said stop,” he scolded jokingly. 

You laughed again. “Okay, okay…” Your eyes were closed now. You couldn’t see him anymore. Just feel him sat next to you. You hoped he stayed until you fell asleep. Some time past before you spoke again. You were half asleep, but just needed to say this one last thing. “Goodnight, Seokjin, and thank you for letting me stay the night.” 

You didn’t know how long it took for him to reply. Sleep was messing with your head. His voice sounded far away. “Anything for you… Goodnight…”

.

.

You were waking up. Eyelids now fighting to keep shut as daylight began to infiltrate them. You groaned quietly, finally giving up to look across at Seokjin’s alarm clock. 9am?! It was far too early to be waking up on a Sunday morning. Especially because you hadn’t fallen asleep until gone two. You groaned again, loudly now. Spiteful, because you wanted to wake him up too. He wasn’t sleeping in if you were wide awake, and you were most definitely not staying here rooted by his arms to the bed. 

You didn’t know how this had become the norm. Not the staying over, that had started long ago, but the cuddling?! That was a new thing. You’d both been so adamant to keep your distance during ‘sleep overs’ but well… Not that it really was cuddling. You were sure Seokjin just used you as a pillow most times. Like right now. His arms wound tightly around your waist, his face smushed into the crook of your neck. You wriggled around, purposely being annoying so he could wake the fuck up, and slowly it began to work. 

He intentionally rubbed his face into you, grumbling into your skin. His stubble began to irritate and you whined, using your hands to push at his arms, trying to get him to free you. He just squeezed harder, now chomping his teeth into your ear. He lips latched onto your earlobe and that was it. You kicked your feet manically. That fucker knew you were ticklish.

Chuckling, he steeled himself behind your body and pulled his head back. Your legs slowly came to a stop at the reprieve, a little out of breath. “Good morning.” He hummed.

“Mmhphf.” 

“Christ, someone really isn’t a morning person…” He was back against your neck now, but instead of teasing his lips brushed down you lightly. You couldn’t help it, something dipped and stirred in your gut. It just irritated you more. 

“I am,” you griped. “Just not when I’m being used as a real life body pillow.” 

He froze for a second before squashing you onto your back, one of his legs hooking over yours to just make you even more pinned to the bed. “But you’re comfy,” he whined, head now against your chest, cuddling into your boobs. “Need to work on your anime girl tits though.” 

“Shut the fuck up,” you exclaimed, whacking his shoulder, but couldn’t help but laugh. He was such a fricking idiot. 

“I’m kidding, I’m kidding.” He used both his hands to push your boobs together to emphasise your cleavage and shoved his face into it, humming loudly. “I love your boobies.”

“Ew.” You wrinkled your nose, pushing him away, but somehow you found your lips attached to his. No idea how. No idea how morning breath didn’t seem to be an issue anymore. And honestly no idea how this was what had become of you now. Kissing without reason. Seokjin wasn’t even hard against your hip. He wasn’t kissing you because he wanted something. What a strange idea. 

His mouth found your neck again, tongue warm, licking and swirling around languidly. One of his palms held your waist, fingers slipping under your tank top, tickling the underside of your boob. Only this time it wasn’t infuriating. Well, infuriating in another way, yes. You couldn’t help it. Your body’s natural reaction. You fidgeted against him, desperate to be touched more. 

“Horny, are we…?” He whispered, lips sticky, breath puffing against your jaw. 

“Not horny, are we?” You countered back immediately, nudging your hip into his crotch. 

Seokjin chuckled at how put out you sounded, nudging you back. “Give him a break. He had to work hard last night…” 

You pulled a face. “Please stop talking like your dick is a person.” But that was true. You had fucked eagerly last night. Maybe a little too eagerly. You could feel the soreness, but like an addict you still craved for more. Even it was just a small orgasm. Any way Seokjin wanted to please you. You were still naked from the waist down, underwear lost somewhere under his bed, so that made things easier. 

“Hey,” he burst. “He has feelings too, y’know.” You rolled your eyes but he was continuing.  “And anyway, what about me? The person attached to the dick? I always go ignored.” 

Such a hard life for Kim Seokjin. Your heart bled. “What are you? Dick first, then human?” 

He grumbled, face closer to yours as he shifted on his elbow. “Feels like it.” 

You may have gone for the kiss first. It was hard to tell, but you tugged on his bottom lip as you cooed. “Diddums. Shouldn’t have that horse dick in your pants then.” 

He cried out at the unfairness. “As if I asked God to bless me with huge cock. I’ve been used for it ever since Lee Yumi took my virginity on prom night.” 

“Oh, my god,” you whined weakly, not quite believing your ears. Knowing Seokjin he was probably being a little serious. Hard done by in life because of his monster dick. What a sob story. You were going to say exactly that but then you felt Seokjin’s hand trail down to your pelvis, and well, after that it was very hard to think straight. 

“Better make this pussy purr some other way,” he feigned a sigh, thumb toying with your clit, and this time you laughed sincerely. Whatever, you found the shit he came out with funny. Sue you. 

He slipped a finger inside you easily, knuckle up as he took his time exploring before he twisted it around. You were still a little wet from the night previous, could easily take his cock with little to no warmup, so he added another digit, watching your chest as your boobs jiggled for him. Your breath was caught in your throat, having to hold it just to keep any moaning at bay. You doubted Sandeul would want to be woken up by the sounds of Seokjin fingering you. He’d gone to sleep to your moans anyway, because no matter how hard Seokjin tried to mute them, telling you to shove your face into his pillow, it did not work. Your shame meter was at an all time low. Not when the pleasure one was off the scale every time Jin got his hands on you. 

Suddenly you felt fresh air hit your chest, snapping you out of your thoughts just to look down and see Seokjin’s mouth latching onto one nipple. You couldn’t hold it, most definitely forgot, moaning loudly as his tongue flicked against the hardened nub, wrist snapping furiously between your legs. He moaned too, enjoying your reaction and you watched him intently, mouth open. His eyes were still sleepy and pillow – or should you say your shoulder bone – marks marred his cheeks. He looked cute, but also this was hot. Like really hot, as he watched you too. You could cum like this. Sensory overload, and your hands reached for his headboard, arching your back a little as your breasts raised into his face. He cupped the one in his mouth, giving it a squeeze as he pulled back, fingers slowing down. 

“Fuck. Someone says hi.” He rushed his words, chin wet where he’d slobbered all over your tit. He moved and pressed his crotch into yours. He was hard in his boxers. It felt good against your clit. “I can’t keep soft when you look at me like that.” He admitted breathlessly. “You literally own my dick.” 

You scoffed, greatly amused, and felt his fingers slide out of you. “Good to know,” you quipped, watching him flip onto his back, hands seconds away from ripping down his boxers. Sometimes you were in a bind at how hot he was. In nothing but his underwear, cock very much visible against the black cotton, and chest, well, chest out. You were sure your attraction had only gotten deeper through time. That’s why you could never get enough. Somewhere in the back of your mind, you hoped he felt the same. 

“Can it do other things? Like pee for me and make me breakfast?” You asked, good at distracting yourself with other pressing issues. Now that the pleasure had stopped you were very aware of how full your bladder felt. Plus, breakfast was always good on a Sunday morning. 

His hands stopped, band of his underwear snapping tight against the skin, and chuckled lowly. “It can’t piss for you, but if you hurry up and go now, we can get at it really quick when you come back,” –a lovely thrust of his hips for emphasise, of course– “and then i’ll make you something to eat. How does that sound?” 

“Okay,” you agreed. Probably too high pitched and too cute for you, but whatever, the plan sounded good. You were still surprised Seokjin could cook. You would never forget that time he cooked you the best carbonara you’d ever tasted after he’d found out you hadn’t eaten all day because of an assignment that was due in. 

You grabbed for his t-shirt at the end of his bed and shoved it on. “Be right back.” You jumped over him to get off the bed, quicker to the door that way and squealed when he smacked your ass playfully, a ‘better had’ calling after you as you dashed foolishly to the bathroom still half naked, hoping you wouldn’t bump into the ever-suffering roommate…

.

.

Your mind was playing tricks on you. Memories dreamlike as you slowly began to wake up. For a moment, still half asleep, Seokjin’s scent drowning your senses, you wondered if you were still back there? The present didn’t exist, this was the present. You were hooking up with Seokjin, spending the night in his bed like you did regularly. However, slowly, as you opened your eyes, sunlight now flooding his bedroom, you began to remember the events of last night… Shit. 

Your argument with Yoongi, which seemed so petty now, but had rapidly morphed into something else. Something so serious things would never go back to normal. You had broken up. You were single. What an odd thought. Yesterday when you’d woken up, gone to class, gone for lunch with Lina, you were somebody’s girlfriend. Yoongi’s. Now it was all gone. It didn’t feel real. 

It took you a moment to work out how you ended up here. At Seokjin’s place, in his bed… You recalled the sudden urge to see him and how you’d rushed over just to find him with Jemma. Oh, God. You really had ruined whatever was going on last night. You felt fresh embarrassment wash over you. You were an idiot, and Seokjin was too kind to tell you to go home. What had you been searching for from him? You were still clueless, and instinctively, you brushed your foot out against the mattress, searching for something. Him? You were met with nothing. As if he’d have spent the night in the same bed as you. 

You rolled onto your back, checking his side of the bed. The covers were creased where he’d sat last night, waiting for you to fall asleep, but after that he must’ve gone. You’d kicked him out his own bed. What an idiot you felt. 

Ever so slowly you sat up, knowing you had to get up eventually. Face the music. You let yourself linger a little as you walked towards the door, feeling weird knowing this was probably definitely the last time you’d be in Seokjin’s room. Your heart was still heavy after last night and every little thing was managing to squeeze at it. You were stupid. 

You found him straight away, in the centre room, stood drying his hair with a towel. He must’ve just gotten out the shower. His skin was still a little flushed with the heat, white t-shirt spotted with water droplets. “Morning,” he smiled when he saw you, balling up the towel in his fist and throwing it to the couch. 

He didn’t seem awkward but you still felt it running through your veins. You stayed by the doorway, giving him a coy greeting back. “Morning. Where did you sleep last night?” 

“Couch,” he shrugged, before laughing. “I know for a fact Deul wouldn’t want me in his bed.” 

You tried to laugh along, but you felt too guilty. He could’ve just used his own bed, you wouldn’t have cared. “Sorry.” 

“Don’t be,” he reassured you. “It’s comfier than it looks, and besides, you wouldn’t have appreciated the top to toe.” His plan to try and make you laugh worked. You’d give him that. He watched you and smiled. “Do you feel better this morning?” 

His question brought you back to reality. Slight laughter couldn’t bring permanent happiness. The realisation wasn’t fun. You guessed you’d be having those a lot from now. Until you got over the situation. Over Yoongi, over the insecurities that were just waiting to rear their ugly head again. You shrugged passively. “Kinda. Probably because nothing seems real.” You were still expecting a good morning text from Yoongi. Still expecting him to call you and tell you to get your cute ass around his place for some extreme cuddling. Even the memory stabbed at your heart. Everything was unfair. If you didn’t love him like that, why did everything hurt so much? 

“You gonna talk to Lina later?” Seokjin’s voice burst you out of your devastation bubble. Fuck. Lina. You’d forgotten about that, and you groaned inwardly. You’d have to relive the break up all over again. “It may help. Get a girl’s opinion…” He trailed off, cringing at himself. “I don’t know, I’m talking shit. What I’m trying to say is, she’d probably be better at this than me.” 

You smiled. “I’ll call her.” Poor Seokjin. He’d tried his best after being put in the worst predicament possible, and you would be forever grateful. Despite what he believed; he had helped you immensely. God knows what garbage you were babbling last night. You’d soon remember later on and do your own fair share of cringing. 

As it went, he was about to prematurely remind you of one thing anyway. He murmured your name once silence had seeped between you two. He sounded cautious. Maybe embarrassed. “I was thinking about what you said…about the…threesome.” Oh, God. What had you said? It was late last night, your mind muddled after everything. “I’m sorry about all that. Maybe it shouldn’t have happened… I…” He paused, struggling to phrase something. “I regret it too.” 

“You do?” Your voice didn’t sound like yours again. Taken by such surprise you felt your head spinning, something sinking to the pit of your stomach. You hadn’t said anything about regretting it. The night had happened and you’d enjoyed it, not really giving it second a thought until things between Yoongi and you began to change. Last night you hadn’t meant it like that. He’d misunderstood. You’d meant, if Yoongi was the one for you, you wouldn’t have wanted another guy like that. You wouldn’t have wanted Seokjin again. You didn’t regret it. You were adamant. Maybe the thought had crossed your mind these past few weeks, but hearing Seokjin say the same right now…that hurt. You would never regret anything spent with him. 

“Y-yeah,” he stammered. Maybe he heard the surprise in your tone. He gave a small shrug, not looking you in the eyes. “Well… it was a stupid idea. I don’t really know what I was thinking. Well… I did at the time.” 

“And that was?” It felt weird to speak so candidly about the threesome. It was almost like a forbidden subject between Yoongi and you. But you’d like to know what was going through Seokjin’s head at the time. 

He stared at you this time. Almost staring you down his gaze was so intense. “I wanted you to want me again.” You froze. You weren’t expecting that. “I was an asshole. A jealous idiot. I thought I was better than him.” He continued, his words coming easier now, as if he was relieved to finally get them out. “But I saw the way you looked at one another. I realised you really liked him.” 

A confession, but not in the traditional sense. It wasn’t supposed to be romantic. He was just explaining how he’d felt and what and happened. You really had liked Yoongi. You still did. That wouldn’t go away over night, but that didn’t mean you hadn’t liked Seokjin when you guys were hooking up. You had. It was just a different feeling… Else why would you have continued going back there? What you and Seokjin had was good. It was different, but it was good. You were much happier back then anyway. Like you said, all your relationships turned to shit eventually but not with the man standing in front of you. You knew you were together in the non-traditional sense, but he was still the only one who had never hurt you, and maybe you’d put him on a pedestal. That’s why you were a little hurt when you found out about Sohee. It was a selfish of you. That you were still holding onto him… 

That’s why you’d turned up at his door last night. It finally made sense. You couldn’t let him go. 

It seemed like he hadn’t been able to let you go either. That’s why the threesome had happened. Maybe if you were able to think long and hard on it, you’d blame yourself. After all, you were the one that ended things so abruptly to begin something serious with Yoongi. Perhaps not the end of the world, but those last couple of weeks with Seokjin had been weird and tense. It seemed at times he knew you were distracted, growing bored and distancing yourself from him, but he’d held on until you’d said the words. There had been little to no communication between the two of you. You hadn’t even told him about Yoongi. God knows how he’d found it out. You still wondered that, with hindsight. In a way you’d been incredibly selfish. 

“We all fucked up I guess.” It hurt to know he regretted that night, but you understood. You couldn’t tell him how to think. He smiled sadly, nodding shortly afterwards. It made you wonder if he wanted you say something else. But what? Instead you cut the distance between you both, walking towards the sofa. The wine glasses were still there. He hadn’t had a chance to clear them away. 

“Speaking of,” you motioned towards them with your finger. “I ruined your date last night. Don’t try to lie to me.” You rushed the last bit, seeing his mouth open, ready to dispute you. It wouldn’t work. “I saw the dishes in the kitchen. You cooked for her.” It was supposed to leave your mouth as a question but it sounded more like an accusation. Your displeasure for the other girl was hard to hide. You felt guilty. Seokjin was free to like whoever, you just thought she wasn’t a very nice person, that was all. Not that you would tell him that, of course. 

“Yeah, it was nothing.” He shook his head as he insisted. 

He was still trying to make you feel less guilty? You chuckled; tone friendlier. “Kim Seokjin dates now? Has romantic dinners now?” You must’ve missed that transformation… It was such an odd concept to think about. Kim Seokjin, the guy who had never had a girlfriend going on dates. What had changed? In the darkest, most insecure recesses of your mind you wondered how come he’d never wanted to take that plunge with you? You guessed that was the heartbreak talking… 

“No.” He was adamant. Okay, maybe you’d misread the situation… “I just… It’s stupid and I don’t know.” He was shaking his head again, laughing quietly. He picked the glasses from the coffee table to distract himself and walked towards the kitchen. 

“No, come on. Tell me,” you urged. You weren’t pushing him, it just seemed like something was playing on his mind. You wanted to be there for him. Just like he’d been there for you. It was only fair. You followed closely behind him. 

“You really want to know?” He asked, turning his head to look at you as he ran the liquid down the sink. He sounded unsure, but you nodded eagerly. Maybe you wouldn’t like the answer, but oh well. It’s probably what you deserved. 

He took a deep breath, sighing lightly, reluctantly, but spoke after a moment. “Everyone around me has hooked up permanently. Sandeul is always over his girl’s place, Namjoon… I even think Hoseok has been seeing the same girl for weeks now… and you…” He trailed off, gaze meeting yours. He swallowed. “Well at least…before that party and your argument with him, I thought you guys were really happy and shit. I thought maybe I should try it out.” 

Your gut felt heavy again. He meant Yoongi. He thought Yoongi and you were happy and wanted that for himself? You didn’t know how to feel. An overwhelming sadness filled you. Similar to last night only this was unexplainable. 

“With Jemma?” You couldn’t help but ask. You weren’t judging… You just couldn’t help but compare yourself to her. 

He upturned his shoulder quickly, filling up the sink, ready to dunk the dishes in. “She’s been messaging me. She told me she liked me at that party.” He hesitated before the next part but decided to share anyway. “We even kissed. I just thought I’d give it a go.” 

That party? The one where you’d argued with Yoongi? The one where you’d embarrassingly cried in front of Seokjin? The one he’d walked you him from? Where he’d politely declined your kiss and then went back to that party… Back to kiss Jemma instead. Fuck. You were losing it. Seokjin didn’t owe you anything. He was free to do whatever he wanted, with whoever he wanted. 

“Do you like her too?” You were unstoppable. But you just needed to know this one thing. 

His brows knitted together as he thought, forearms submerged in dish water. It seemed like such an odd scene. You interrogating him in his kitchen as he washed plates. “Not like that. Well, not like anything really.” The joy that filled you was selfish. You tried your best to steel your expression.

“Don’t take this the wrong way, but I’m kind of thankful you showed up at my door.” He continued, sounding guilty. “She sort of invited herself to stay over, and I didn’t know how to say no.” He rinsed the last plate, sticking it in the drying rack and pulled the plug. You watched him dry his hands. What would’ve happened if you’d never turned up? Would he have slept with her? 

“I think the dating should be assigned to actual girls I like.” He chuckled awkwardly, before scoffing, interrupting your thoughts. “She even brought wine. Me? Drinking wine? It tasted vile!”

“I was wondering what all that was about,” you laughed weakly. Seokjin was not a wine drinker. You knew that. 

He laughed along, making his way through the living area again. You followed. You really should get going. You’d imposed on him for too long, but still you lingered. Although, Seokjin didn’t seem in a rush to get rid of you either. 

“Do you have class today?” He asked, picking his backpack up from the side of the sofa to rifle through it, searching for something. 

“I have a workshop this afternoon but I don’t think I’ll go.” You replied. The idea of being in a room with a bunch of people didn’t seem so appealing right now. “Tomorrow I’ll start fresh.” You at least needed 24 hours to decompress. “What about you?” You added, seeing him pull a piece of paper out of a notebook and sit down. 

“I have one in an hour,” he said. “I totally left this until last minute.” He motioned to the paper, laughing. 

You smiled. “Oh. Okay. I should be going anyway…” You should definitely leave him to it. He needed to finish getting ready, do homework and it took about fifteen minutes to walk to college from here. Five if he was driving, which he never did. Heath and fitness was his passion. (At least your shitty sense of humour hadn’t totally died…) 

He stood up quickly when you made motions to leave, one of his knees whacking the underneath of the coffee table. He hissed before rushing out his words. “You don’t have to leave. It’s not really an important class. I could skip. We could get lunch?” 

You were pretty sure he was pitying you now. Why else was he being so nice? You appreciated it but you didn’t want him to feel like he had to do all this. He’d already done enough. You smiled, shaking your head. “No, it’s fine. I don’t feel that hungry but thanks for the offer.” 

“Only if you’re sure?” He pressed, following behind you as you walked towards your shoes, pushing them on. 

“I think I’m just gonna have a bath. I’m sure I have a bath bomb left over from Christmas gifts or something…” You said, chuckling a little. 

He nodded his head, looking like he wanted to try and persuade you more but kept quiet. You opened the door, feeling a little awkward. It had never been like this between you. Maybe it was the uncertainty of not knowing when you’d see him next… “Thank you again, Seokjin. I really appreciate it, and I’m sorry for just turning up here like this.” 

“Shut up,” he said lightly, holding the door open for you. “You’re welcome here anytime.” Your heart did a little jump. He meant that? You smiled in returned. “Drive safely. I’ll message you tonight to see how you’re doing? If you want?” 

He meant it. 

.

.

On your drive home you started to feel guilty. You’d deleted Seokjin’s number along with the video he’d taken of you that night…during the threesome. At the time it had seemed the right thing to do. You had been with Yoongi, sure things were only growing from strength to strength and reminders of Seokjin were something you didn’t need. You didn’t want to continue messaging him and you didn’t want to sleep with him again. You couldn’t be anything else, so it made perfect sense. You wanted to show Yoongi you were serious. Not that you ever told him. You didn’t bring up Seokjin at all, and neither did he. He had become a forbidden subject. 

See? This was why you shouldn’t be alone. Your brain had too much time to think. It was still buzzing when you arrived back home. Your bed, unmade, just reminded you of last night, and your chest grew so tight you couldn’t breathe for a moment, the tears welling up in your eyes, but you refused to let them fall. You needed to get a grip of yourself and clean up. To eradicate the memories of last night. 

You listened to music as you went but tracks kept coming on shuffle that reminded you of Yoongi. A double check at your phone showed you that it was a rec playlist he’d made for you not too long ago. There was no escape. Not even when you gave up vacuuming to run that bath you’d been longing for. Yoongi’s disposable razor was on the sink, toothbrush in the pot. Everywhere you looked there were little reminders of him. It shocked you how much stuff he had at your place. You’d never realised how deeply entwined he had become in your life. That was sure to make the break up harder. His scent still lingered in your tiny apartment and you just thanked your lucky stars that the year you’d had class with him was over. You didn’t think you could handle that. Seeing him so casually. 

Lina text you just before you could climb into the water but you ended up ignoring it. She had sent you a screenshot, some conversation with the guy she’d started seeing since that party. That stupid party you should never have gone to. She was cooing over how cute he was, and while you could easily reply with something simple, you just really weren’t in the mood. You knew you had to tell her about the break up asap, but just the thought made you feel sick with dread. You’d tell her and she’d probably tell your other friends to make it easier on you and then you’d receive half a dozen, maybe more, ‘i’m sorry’ messages. You’d have to make it official on facebook, then everyone else would see it, and oh god, your parents. You’d have to tell them. They’d met Yoongi once or twice when they’d come to your apartment uninvited. You’d never been one to introduce boyfriends to them, but with Yoongi it just felt right. You were proud that you could nab such a great guy, and for the first time in your life you wanted to show off. Your parents seemed to like him, and now you had to tell them he’d broken things off. How embarrassing. Would they think there was something wrong with you?  

Your mind drifted to Seokjin as you sat in the water. Yes, you were embarrassed you’d laid it all on him like that, but it surprised you how easily you had confided in him. He’d never really seen that side of you and you’d definitely never seen the kind and thoughtful side he’d shown you last night or the night of that shitty party. Not that you didn’t think he wasn’t kind. You wouldn’t have continued sleeping with him all that time if he wasn’t a nice person. It’s just you’d never really needed him like that. You hadn’t needed him to be sweet when you were only there to fuck him. But you guessed sometimes he was. Like when you used to have stress migraines from college work and felt sick from the burger grease at work that seemed to absorb into your skin. They were perhaps trivial problems, but he was there when you needed him. It made you feel selfish again. He never used to confide his problems in you, because of course he had them. No person could live life stress free… Maybe you just weren’t that type of person to him… That made you feel sad, your emotions a mess. 

Did all that really matter though? He probably wouldn’t even message you tonight. And that was ok. You’d told him your thanks already, sincerely and gratefully, and that was it. You wouldn’t bother him like that again. He’d probably never be the friend that you wanted him to be. You liked being around Seokjin but if it couldn’t happen, then it couldn’t happen. You’d have stick to being some type of strange acquaintance. You’d say hello to him if you saw him around, maybe you’d have a small conservation, you’d like his posts on social media, but that was probably it. 

God, you were losing people left and right. But then again… You’d done that with Seokjin. You were the one that cut him from your life. Not him. 

Yoongi rung you sometime late afternoon. You’d almost forgotten he said he would call you, and for a split second you wondered if you should just ignore it. You were sat on your sofa, smelling lovely, but still miserable as hell, watching something new on Netflix. Not picking up seemed really harsh, but his name flashing on your screen with a picture of him pulling a face in the background taunted you. You were mad. You were allowed to be angry and hurt, and annoyed, and whatever else you felt at your now ex boyfriend. He’d given up on you both. 

You answered with a sharpness in your tone, but one second of hearing Yoongi’s gruff voice down the line broke you a little. He didn’t sound too good, like he hadn’t had any sleep, groggy and broken. You said as much, and he laughed humourlessly– was it that obvious? He asked how you slept after he’d left and you panicked. You should have told him about where you went last night. He deserved to know, but you were a coward, too scared. Not wanting him to misunderstand, get angry or hurt. You had no solid answers for him, and that would just make it look worse. So you left out the detail about Seokjin’s place and told him you slept okay. Because you had. It had taken you a while to switch off, but when you had, sleep came for you quickly. You wondered if he sensed you were keeping something from him. You had never been good at lying, but he didn’t seem to notice something was up. He was glad you got some sleep. That just made you feel guiltier. 

He asked you how were feeling, what you’d been up to, and the small talk just made you feel worse. Somehow you ended up begging him to come over, just so you could talk some more, but he turned you down. That would only make things worse. You fought him a little, told him it wouldn’t – you even raised your voice, ranting at him, and he just listened silently, letting you rid your frustrations until you were were crying quietly, too sad to stay angry. You knew it wasn’t his fault, nor yours, the situation was just shitty. Unfair. 

“Please don’t cry,” he asked you quietly, but you thought he was crying too. He kept sniffing loudly. You could hear him wiping his nose on his sleeve every now and then. There was really nothing you could do. It was over. Yoongi said he’d come pick up his stuff in a few days when you asked him about it. It was probably best to have a little breather from the situation so he’d message you when he was ready. You agreed. You didn’t think you could handle seeing him take all his stuff away so soon. Not when it hadn’t had time to sink it properly. And that was that. There wasn’t much else to say. You could probably ask more questions, but what was the point? It wouldn’t change anything. He’d checked in on you, like he said he would and now there was nothing else left. There was no point prodding something that was now dead. 

You said goodbye and hung up with a heavy heart, unable to stop yourself from clicking on your photo album to scroll through your photos. You had lots of him. Candid shots mostly, ones he didn’t know you were taking and some he’d blatantly posed for like the secret dork he was. There were lots of you together too. You both looked so happy it was hard to understand where it all went wrong. A photo wasn’t supposed to lie, so how had it turned into this? You couldn’t delete them though. You tried with one, instantly regretting it and restoring it immediately. It seemed like such a shame to throw away all those memories... Such a shame to throw away the relationship…  

On your couch was where you spent the rest of the evening, dozing in between watching the tv, and you were half asleep when your phone began to ring again. You reached for it quickly, a small part of you expecting it to be Seokjin even though he’d said he’d message you. You groaned when you saw it was Lina. You couldn’t ignore her. Not again. She’d be around, kicking down the door in minutes, probably thinking you’d gotten abducted seeing as you’d been AWOL the whole day. You took a deep breath and slid your thumb across the screen. It was now or never. “Hello?” 

“What the hell are you playing at?!” 

That was not what you’d been expecting. Lina half yelling down the phone at you. “Hello to you too,” you quipped, a little flummoxed. She couldn’t be that mad because you’d left her on read. 

“Don’t joke around,” she told you. Almost breathless, slightly hysteric. “Please don’t tell me you fucked Jin again?!” 

“WHAT?” You swore your neighbours heard you, you exclaimed so loud. Why and how did she think that? “I have no idea what you’re talking about.” 

“Oh, accidentally fell on his dick then?” 

Her tone was accusing and sarcastic, and you were already crabby and tired, miserable…to name a few. If she wasn’t going to explain herself you’d just hang up. “Lina,” you warned.  “I’m not in the mood. Stop being so cryptic. Can I ask why you think that?”

She sighed, but spoke a lot calmer when she continued, probably unsure due to your reaction. “I overheard Jemma today.” Fuck. You immediately sat up straighter, something heavy settling in your gut. She seemed to like having conversations super loud in public. “She said you showed up at his door in the middle of the night and that he kicked her out to let you in.” 

“Oh, for god–” You stopped yourself, knowing it wasn’t worth the energy. She was all wrong anyway. Whatever she thought had happened when she left wasn’t true. That was how rumours started. “It wasn’t really in the middle of the night and it was nothing like that!” You took a deep breath, letting your anger seep away. “I didn’t sleep with Seokjin. She has no idea what she’s talking about.” 

“Oh.” Was all Lina said, probably feeling like an idiot. Probably feeling guilty for believing all that. She said your name. “Damn. I’m sorry. I knew you wouldn’t do something like that to Yoongi, but where Jin’s concerned… Never mind. Just ignore me.” 

At the mention of Yoongi’s name you instantly remembered what you had to confess instead. You were so distracted you didn’t have time to try and understand her strange ending comment. She was bombarding you with questions anyway, fuzzing up your mind. 

“Why were you there then? And where were you today?! I messaged you and you never replied. I thought you’d died!” 

Dramatic as always. “Yeah, sorry about that… I had… I’ve had a shitty 24 hours.” 

“How come?” She asked, sounding concerned. You definitely sounded weird, voice already wobbling. You hesitated and she couldn’t take it anymore. “I’m worried! Please tell me.” 

You took a deep breath and swallowed. Your words echoed down the line. “Yoongi broke up with me last night.” 

That was it. It sent her into a state of shock. For five minutes she kept alternating between ‘what?’ and ‘noo’. You were too upset to continue in the beginning so you just let her carry on, having a conversation with herself until you were ready to assure her it was in fact true. You apologised for not telling her sooner, but you were embarrassed, to which she insisted you never had to be. She didn’t press, but you knew she was eager to know what had happened, so you explained. You hated going into detail. You hadn’t even gone into it this much with Seokjin, but it was Lina. She was your best friend, the one you could tell everything too. She’d been there for you through the backlog of shitty break ups in the past, so this was no different. She let you have a little cry as you explained about the stupid argument that had turned into something more. How Yoongi had said he didn’t love you, couldn’t love you. She asked if you loved him and you cried a little harder when you replied no. For some reason you felt guilty, like you’d led him on. Lina told you to be quiet. Sometimes that’s how relationships worked. They couldn’t all end in love. No one had led anyone on, the relationship had just run its course. 

She was probably correct, but it didn’t really make it any better. What was the point in it all, if that was how you were always going to end? It seemed unfair and cruel. Also made you wonder if you’d ever find love? You knew you were still young, but you should have at least experienced something like that by now, however innocent… Maybe that’s why you were so sad...

Lina asked if you wanted her to come over but you refused. It was getting late and she had an early shift tomorrow. You’d be fine for tonight but maybe tomorrow evening she could come around and bring some cake from the place she worked at? She said yes, of course, already mentally choosing flavours, but just as you were about to hang up after saying your goodbyes she suddenly remembered something… Much to your dismay. 

“Wait… How come you were at Jin’s place then?” 

“I… uh…” You began, unsure of how to continue. “I don’t really know the answer.” You hoped that was enough to satisfy her. Of course you had a multitude of potential reasons why you turned up at his door, the most recent one maybe making the most sense, but telling her that would just complicate the matter. She wasn’t Seokjin’s biggest fan, so of course she would be naturally suspicious. Especially because you’d ran to him immediately after the break up. She might not have said it out loud, but you could sense it. 

Feeling oddly defensive over him, you tried to dispel her doubts even more. “Lina, he was really sweet. I was an idiot for turning up at his door unannounced but he was so nice about it.” You thought about adding that you stayed the night, but she hadn’t asked that, so you thought it best to stay quiet. For now. 

“Yeah, bet he was.” As dubious as ever. “I’m surprised he didn’t try comforting you with his dick…” 

“He would never. We’re past all that now.” The word comfort lingered in your mind though. Last night you had been after just that and in all honesty, you didn’t know if you would’ve turn him down if he’d offered… It was a horrible thought to have, and you were glad Seokjin hadn’t tried anything, but it still existed in a part of your brain you’d rather not dwell on… 

Lina let it slide soon after that. She trusted you, but she didn’t trust Seokjin, that was a running theme, but she said goodnight, promising to see you tomorrow with cake. You felt a little better after that, lighter. A problem shared with your best friend was a problem halved, but yet… There was one thing you had been keeping from her. 

The threesome. You had never known how to slip it into conversation at the time, also quite afraid if it would change her opinion on Yoongi, so you’d just kept silent. Back then it hadn’t mattered, but now Yoongi and you were over things were different. The threesome played a part in the break up, at least in your opinion it did, and you couldn’t leave that out tomorrow when Lina came over. You needed to tell her. 

You were just wondering when things would get simpler, when your doorbell buzzed. You jumped, not expecting it at all, and your first thought was that Lina hadn’t listened to you and was at your door, but she wouldn’t have been able to drive here so quickly, so the next person you thought of was Yoongi. Maybe he’d changed his mind, or maybe you were pathetic. You stood up pretty quickly anyway, rushing to the door, despite your better judgement and looked through the peephole. Your stomach did a little flip when you saw who it actually was. In shock more than anything…or at least, that’s what seemed to be the logical reason. 

You sprung the door open. “Seokjin?!” 

“Surpriseee. The one and only,” he sang, before smiling a little and lowering his gaze to the floor. He seemed slightly nervous. “I know I said I’d message you but well… I was going to the gym but then thought fuck it and got food instead—and then I thought maybe you’d want some?” He finally looked your way again, waiting for your reply. You noticed the brown bag bunched in his hand. “Sorry if it’s too late to eat. I did try calling but your phone was engaged…” 

You shook your head. “No, no, it’s fine. C-come in.” In all honesty you were still a little shocked. Seeing Seokjin at your door, him bringing you food. You’d resigned yourself to not seeing him again for a while. You’d resigned yourself for one little ‘hope you’re ok’ text… Not this. This made you feel lighter, happier…   

He followed you inside and stopped by your couch. You took a moment to glance over him. Habit more than anything, just to see what he was wearing. Sweatpants and a long sleeved top that made him look broader than usual, (impossible, but true). Both black. A red baseball cap on his head. “I actually haven’t eaten much all day so take out sounds good,” you smiled. Your stomach rumbling a little now that you could smell the food. “What is it?”

“Chinese.” He answered, sitting down and placing the bag on your coffee table. He looked inside and began pulling containers out. “I got a mixture but remembered your favourite. It’s still sweet and sour chicken, right?” 

“Right,” you chuckled, surprised he’d remembered. “I’ll get plates.” Your kitchenette was to the back of him, so you took the time to wipe your eyes, making sure there were no stray tears hanging about from your phone call with Lina. You also hoped they weren’t red and obvious, but if Seokjin had already noticed he didn’t say anything. You pulled out two plates from the cupboard as he spoke again. “You don’t mind me turning up though?” 

You turned around, seeing him doing the same to catch a look at you. You shook your head. “No. Not at all.” That seemed to satisfy him and he smiled, turning back to start opening the food up. You noticed the bottle of coke on the table and pulled out two glasses as well, making your way back to him. 

Seokjin shared the food out as opposed to helping yourselves and you poured the soda. The first bite was amazing. All you’d had today was a measly slice of toast and a yogurt, so it wasn’t surprising at how much better you felt with some good food in you. 

“What have you been doing today?” He asked after a moment. He sounded funny, a little too formal, like he was trying his best to sound and be natural but failing exponentially. You held back a giggle, not wanting him to feel self conscious, but he was also perched on the couch like he was too afraid to relax. You ended up breaking. 

“Seokjin, sit back. You’re making me nervous,” you chuckled. The noise sounded weird. Good weird, but weird. He looked at you with panicked eyes which just made you laugh even harder. “Come on, move,” you ordered, using your free hand to push him back. He obliged, now laughing along. “I’m not keeping you prisoner.” 

“I know you’re not,” he said quietly. Cutely. 

It was funny how things seemed so awkward between you two. Not bad awkward, just maybe a little nervous awkward. He seemed more nervous than you. You guessed that was from the turning up at your door randomly. But who cared, you’d done exactly the same to him last night. You were even now. You went to tell him that, but realised you hadn’t answered his previous question. You cleared your throat and shrugged. “I haven’t done much today. Started a new series on Netflix.” 

He raised an eyebrow. “Oh yeah? Want to put it on now?” 

You and Seokjin had watched The Office together at some point during your…hookups, so it brought back memories when you agreed. Sitting on your couch, eating, talking. You liked it. The company was very much appreciated, beat being alone. You filled him in on what the show was about and what he’d missed. You liked the sound of his laugh as he watched, it was comforting. He even offered to tidy the dishes away when you were finished, rinsing them clean for you. He sat back down after that, slightly hesitant as if he didn’t know if he should get going now. You didn’t really want him to leave yet, and besides, there was probably something he should know regarding Jemma’s loud and mistaken mouth… 

“I, er…” You began, taking a sip of your drink to busy yourself.  “I did end up telling Lina.”  

Seokjin smiled. “That’s good. What did she say?” 

A breath of laughter left you. “I think she was in shock more than anything. She was the one on the phone just now,” you explained. “Um…” Seokjin could sense your hesitation and he tilted his head, silently urging you to continue. “She heard something…” 

“Heard what?” He frowned, sounding puzzled and concerned. 

Damn. You were probably making this ten times more awkward. It was no big deal, Seokjin probably didn’t even give a shit, but you thought he should know regardless. “She saw Jemma today, heard her talking… She thought me and you were…” You paused purposefully, unable to spell it out, but your wide eyes hopefully explained it all. 

Seokjin stayed silent, but you could definitely tell by his expression he understood what you meant. Finally he spoke, gaze holding yours. “Both of them thought?” 

You nodded. “Jemma definitely did.” 

He sighed. “Shit, I’m sorry.” He apologised unnecessarily. “I text Jemma earlier telling her the date was nice but probably shouldn’t happen again. She didn’t message back. I guess I know why now…” 

“It’s not your fault. I was the one who showed up. I guess she was always bound to get the wrong idea.” Seokjin nodded, agreeing with you, and that’s when you realised something, groaning. “I hope it doesn’t get back to Yoongi.” You didn’t think their paths crossed, but she could know someone who was friends with him. It could quite easily happen…and you were suddenly regretful for not letting Yoongi know where you went last night. You’d pretty much lied to him…but then again, what did it matter? You were over now. Never getting back together. 

“I’ll call her. Tomorrow or something, I’ll let her know the truth so it doesn’t escalate.” Seokjin reassured you. 

“Thank you,” you smiled at him, chin in your palm. Somehow you’d curled your legs up onto the cushions, body angled towards him. He sat back further, legs stretching to rest his feet on the coffee table. He used to do that a lot when he was over. You guess old habits died hard. He hadn’t even noticed he’d done it now, a reflex almost. You watched him happily. 

“Have you heard from Yoongi today?” He asked, a little hesitantly, as if he was worried to ask. Scared of your reaction? 

“He called too. We talked some more… He’s picking up his stuff in a few days.” You thought that it would hurt more, saying it out loud again, but maybe you’d had practice with Lina. 

Seokjin glanced over at you, brows furrowed. “So it really is over?” He sounded surprised. “I thought maybe you guys would sort it out…” 

That was cute he was hopeful. You were quickly losing that, understanding the truth. Being realistic. “Jin, he doesn’t love me and will never love me. I don’t think it’s something we can sort out.” 

“And you don’t love him?” 

You watched him play with his hands in his lap. A nervous habit. He was slowly getting better at serious conversations. You’d need to compliment him on that soon. For now you just shook your head, meeting his eyes. There was nothing more to say about that. You changed the subject. “Lina’s coming over tomorrow. I think…I think I’m going to tell her about the threesome.” 

Seokjin looked surprised for a moment, maybe slightly red-faced at your frank wording. After treating it like it never happened for so long, it felt good for you to be so upfront with yourself, and that meant telling your best friend too. 

“You never did?” He asked and you shook your head. It was your secret. He scoffed. “That’ll go down like a lead balloon.” He probably wasn’t wrong. “But if you think it’s a good idea… and that you need her to know… Although,” he paused to shrug. “I’m kinda surprised you never said anything to her before.” 

You raised an eyebrow. “Are you that surprised?” Seokjin chuckled, and you tilted your head, lowering your voice. “Did you tell anybody?” 

He shook his head. “Nah. I already said I wouldn’t, right? It wasn’t really my place.” It was a pretty strange thing to say. You, Yoongi and Seokjin were all involved equally. It concerned you all. You wouldn’t have minded at all if he’d confided in someone about that night. Even though Yoongi had wanted to keep it hush-hush. You hoped Seokjin knew that. You wanted to tell him, but the words wouldn’t come, and then he was speaking again. “You seem better today though… More yourself.” 

“I do feel better. It’s sunk in now, I think. Still feel a little strange though… Empty…but–but if I never loved him either I can’t really be heartbroken? Am I just feeling sorry for myself?” You didn’t mean to offload again and ask questions Seokjin didn’t know the answer to, but surprisingly he managed to give a pretty good insight. 

“I think,” he swallowed. “I think loving someone and being in love are two totally different things. You love Yoongi but you’re not in love with him? That doesn’t really matter though. You can still hurt.” He shrugged, probably thinking he was talking shit. He wasn’t. It made sense. “You’re allowed to feel however you want. You did just get broken up with after all.” 

You let his words sink in, smiling slightly, voice low once again as you teased him. “Philosophical.” 

He upturned his shoulder, sounding cocky, a grin on his face. “I had to take an elective.” You whined and pushed his shoulder. “No, serious,” he insisted. “That’s how I met Namjoon.” You burst out laughing, unsure why, it wasn’t even that funny, but he laughed along with you, a happy glint in his eyes as he watched you. 

“Hey…” He murmured, once your peals of laughter had died down. “About last night. I don’t know if you remember, you were pretty sleepy, but you said something…” Oh, God. Nervousness filled you slightly. What had you said? You tried to remember everything, but maybe you’d let something pass your mind… He sounded cautious when he continued. “You said that you thought you were the problem, and I just, I know I said it’s not you last night, but please, it really isn’t you. Don’t think that. Ever.” 

He sounded so stern you just nodded in response. Caught off guard by his kindhearted attitude. “Yeah. It’s okay.” You finally managed to reply, because it seemed like he needed one. “I think I was just upset and acting insecure.” 

“I mean, if every guy you’ve been involved with has hurt you one way or another, then it’s on them. Not you.” You appreciated what he was saying, surprised by the turn in conversation. It did make you feel better. To know there wasn’t something wrong with you. Seokjin cleared his throat, catching your attention again and you glanced at him. “And I’m sorry if I was ever one of them.” 

“What, Seokjin?” You gasped. “No, of course you weren’t!” 

“But with…Sohee…” He sounded reluctant to say her name. “I should’ve told you about her. I didn’t mean to keep it from you.” 

“It’s fine.” You reassured him. “You explained all that at the party. Honesty, it’s fine.” You repeated, seeing him shake his head. You were over the Sohee situation already. It was silly that you’d ever been upset over it. He’d had sex with her right at the beginning of your…thing… before things were officially unofficial in a way, and for that, you couldn’t be mad at him. It didn’t bother you now. There were bigger issues in your life. 

You opened your mouth again, not thinking too hard as you spoke because otherwise you’d chicken out. “Seokjin, you’re quite literally the only guy who hasn’t made me feel like shit, or cry, or whatever.” You sighed, your mind slipping back to one person… “I know Yoongi didn’t want to hurt me and I know he’s upset too. I get the situation is complicated and he’s not like the others but right now my heart really hurts when I think of him.” You hated seeing him as one of those guys. The ones that had shaped your views on love and relationships, and yeah, the situation this time was different, Yoongi wasn’t a bad guy, but it was still never supposed to end up like this. You weren’t supposed be left feeling so despondent 

“Yeah.” Seokjin agreed. “I understand what you’re saying. I guess it’s a horrible situation to be in and I shouldn’t judge him, but you’re the one I care about, not him, so if you want me to call him a flaming bag of shit, I will. Just give me the signal.” 

You couldn’t help but let out a breathy laugh at his attempt to cheer you up. You appreciated it. Appreciated him, and he cared about you? That was sweet. You smiled warmly. “Thank you, Seokjin. I don’t understand why you’re being so nice to me.” 

“Am I not nice?!” He feigned outrage, as dramatic as ever. You giggled, whacking his shoulder. You’d missed him greatly. It was only now beginning to sink in. Just talking to him like this. You’d never really done it before, it was refreshing. 

“No, of course you are,” you reassured. “I just mean, why are you wasting your time with me?” 

He stared at you, a small smile on his face. “I missed you.” That simple. It felt good to hear he felt the same. “I know we don’t know what to call one another, given everything, but… I saw you as a friend back then too.” Your heart jumped. You’d been scared to call him a friend last night but it seemed he thought just like you. “You can tell me to fuck off if you like, but, well… we can get that friendship back?” He suggested. “Properly.” 

You stayed silent, in shock, not quite believing your ears. Maybe you didn’t have to let him go now… He mistook the silence, panicking. “I know it seems like I’m bouncing on an opportunity here, but I promise it’s not like that. I just think being friends will be fun.” 

“Fun?” You repeated, wrinkling your nose with a chuckle. “Maybe you’re right. I’d like to be your friend. I missed you too.” Maybe things weren’t so bleak. Maybe there was something good to come out of everything, and now you wouldn’t have to wonder when you’d see Seokjin again… 

“I am right,” he confirmed. “Always am.” 

You rolled your eyes. “Don’t push it.” And then… “One confession though…” He cocked an eyebrow, curious and unsuspecting. You groaned, burying your face in your hands, feeling guilty. It was time to admit. “I need your number again. I deleted it.” 

There was a brief pause and then his voice was as loud as ever as he joked around. “You did?! Well, I can’t be having that. Where’s your phone?!” 

“I’m sorry,” you whined, reaching for your cell behind your back the same time he grabbed for it too. His hands cupped over yours as you looked up at him. His body was leant into you, the warmth instant, and you let him have the device, a small thank you leaving him, but no sooner had you felt it, the heat, it was gone along with him, his back against the couch once more. 

You watched him try your phone code, you forgot how he knew it already, still remembered it. He celebrated with a yes under his breath, quickly typing his number into your phone book. He handed it back to you with a smile. “Now you have no excuse. I expect a message every morning and night.” You groaned. He silenced you with a finger in the air. “I also have a test coming up Friday, so a good luck would be nice.” 

Rolling your eyes, you shot him a smirk. “In your dreams.” However, yeah, he probably would get that good luck message… That’s what friends were for, right? 

Written 2019-20. Reworked/Edited 2020 Please refrain from posting my work elsewhere. No translations allowed. © floralseokjin 2020

[taekookficrecs]

could you recommend some old/classic taekook fics for a new stan? pretty caught up on latest posts and recs for fics but was wondering if there were some old ones i could've missed. thank youuuu

hey omg thank you sm for this ask, there are a lot of classic fics that everyone should read

maybe we’re all just fools - airplanewishes (( 1/1 | G | 52,675 )) Jeongguk likes to run. He’s never wanted anyone to run with him before.

refrigerator humming, chewing gum, and instant karma - locks (( 8/8 | E | 61,449 )) Taehyung sets the flowers down on the dining table, plucking the card off the little holder. "Dearest Taehyung, just wanted you to know that I'm thinking about you. I hope you're thinking about me too. Love--" he pauses and squints before cocking an eyebrow and pursing his lips. "Hyung, why is the boss of your little boy band gang professing his love for me?"

Yoongi drops the noodles on the floor with a loud curse as he burns his hand.

Or, Taehyung's been trying his hardest to avoid Yoongi's criminal life for a long ass time, but a cute kid and his infuriating father keep pulling him deeper into the mix.

I Won’t Fall (in love with you) - taeharem (( 10/10 | E | 52,444 ))  “You have to promise not to fall in love with me.”

Kiss With a Fist - byeolguk (( 29/? | M | 169,856 )) “Need a little help, love?” Jungkook asks, teasing him.

“Nah I had it all under control, sweetheart,” Taehyung answers with a smile, blood oozing from his split lip. Goddamn even smiling hurt now. Fuckity fuck fuck. Jungkook only rolls his eyes, his cocky smirk never slipping and Taehyung almost forgets how much pain he’s in.

Taekook Prison au

Some Killer King You Are - lethallergic (( 1/1 | E | 55,443 ))  In the game of love, everyone’s a winner.

Cinnamon Crisp -  teatimetaemint (( 1/1 | M | 21,482 ))  Jungkook needs his daily dose of cuddles and Taehyung likes to wear Jungkook's clothes. They don't care that alphas and omegas aren't supposed to be best friends.

Comeback Kids - rix (( 1/1 | E | 34,723 )) Taehyung is infuriating and Jungkook's always been easy to rile up. Which isn't the best combination, but also isn't the worst, either.

(or: Taekook as hockey fuckboy rivals)

Mileage May Vary  - rix (( 8/8 | E | 80,017 ))  Jeongguk is a stripper with a penchant for trouble. Taehyung is curious.

Love Will Always Be a Lesson (Let’s Get Out of its Way) - mindheist (( 1/1 | E | 60,836 )) Lesson 1: it’s not real.

Pour Up (Drank) - mindheist (( 1/1 | E | 41,770 )) If you can read this, take another shot.

Rich Bitch - mindheist (( 1/1 | E | 28,654 )) When you make six figures a year, Valentino isn’t that big of a deal.

Kiss Me Hard Before You Go - mindheist (( 1/1 | E | 20,2171))  Dramatization. Do not try at home.

House of Cards - sugamins (( 25/25 | E | 394,890 )) Jungkook is the heir to a mob empire, the most notorious in the whole of Seoul. Taehyung is a rookie sent in to infiltrate by his select team and bring the empire crumbling down.

"You knew the game and played it, it kills to know that you have been defeated."

Something To Do With Hands - lethallergic (( 1/1 | E | 49,739 )) “It’s a lot like falling in love with a city you’ve never been to.”

Hit The Lights - lethallergic  (( 1/1 | E | 7,785 )) 1-800-HOTLINEBLING

(thought you knew) you were in this song - expplipo (( 1/1 | T | 35,321 )) Taehyung nearly chokes, but only nearly. Instead he raises an eyebrow and puts on the most suave smile he can manage. Hopes he looks far more collected than his for-some-reason racing heartbeat would let on, more suit-and-wine than elementary-schooler-with-a-new-crush. “You like me?”

Jeongguk blushes, and looks at his feet. He’s smiling. “Of course.”

“Really?” Taehyung says. “Like? Or like like?”

(So much for suit-and-wine.)

King of the Library (Knight of His Trade) - madigraye (( 1/1 | T | 47,430 )) Moral of the story? Don't fuck with Jeon Jungkook or else you'll end up ruining your perfect attendance to chase his coattails.

you and me, we’re bumper cars - ongstzone (( 11/11 | E | 49,600 )) “The more I try to get to you, the more we crash apart.”

After a myriad of mistakes committed in his leather jacket with a cigarette between his teeth, Jungkook finds himself exiled to his aunt's house in a quiet, faraway town for the summer. Nothing much goes on at the neighbourhood; or so he thinks, until he meets a boy with sunset-coloured hair named Kim Taehyung.

pick me up, buttercup - vppa (( 2/2 | G | 9,257 )) AU where your soulmate's first words to you will be tattooed on your wrist when you meet.

Which freakin sucks, because Jungkook's forearm will now forever read "Hey baby, if you were a booger, I'd pick you first."

What the fuck, universe.

The most beautiful moment in life - taleofatub (( 1/1 | N/R | 21,443 )) Taehyung is a lost college student. He falls in love with the radio DJ on Cool FM who comes on at midnight every day.

cuz in a sky full of stars (i think i saw you) - wowoashley (( 9/9 | E | 64,071 )) taehyung always has bad ideas. and jeongguk thinks this might be the best.

but all your flaws and scars are mine - misanthrpic (( 9/9 | E | 44,577 )) taehyung hates the (totally hot) bratty freshman that stole his spot in the art exhibition.

Fall Asleep (Fall For You)  - drannie (( 22/22 | M | 149,954 )) “They say when you fall in love you can’t fall asleep, but now that I’ve met you I feel like I finally can.”

A University AU where Jungkook and Taehyung become roommates. But Jungkook has insomnia and can't fall asleep with other people and Taehyung can't fall asleep alone.

admin nj - holy crap this is a long list but all these fics are grade A masterpieces and are extremely popular. additionally, rix mindheist and lethallergic have tons of works that are very iconic so you might want to check those out as well. enjoy! 

[stu-dna]

how I survived my first semester at uni

somehow I made it through. here’s what helped:

(this is going to differ for everyone based on how you study best & what subjects you're studying! I am a science major so business/law majors probably won't benefit much from this, sorry <3 )

I. NOTES

figure out what type of note taking works best for you

—I started out by handwriting my notes. It was fine until my handwriting disintegrated and even I couldn't read what was happening. Also, carrying around a whole bunch of notebooks and folders got way too heavy for my back.

—I then switched to taking notes digitally. It took some getting used to, but now I absolutely love it. I use Notability for pretty much everything.

organisation is your best friend

—I colour-code by subject, e.g. all biology notes are blue and all chemistry notes are green and I swear to god if one more person tells me that biology should be green imma fight a bitch. That also means that my highlighters in each digital notebook are the corresponding colours, so I’m able to see what subject each page is without having to read too much into it.

—I also separate my notes based on type, for example in-class notes, "pretty" notes, and practice sheets are separate categories. Within these categories the aforementioned colour-coding comes into play.

II. STUDYING

I fell in LOVE with flashcards

—I literally have a 20cm high stack of flashcards from my last exam (which I aced btw :) ). It's like that for nearly every exam.

—Speaking of which... some subjects don't work well with flashcards (for me at least) e.g physics and maths. This is something that you can usually figure out early on in the semester.

—Again, organisation will save your life. I use these boxes to separate my cards by subject, then within the box I use coloured cards (of course corresponding to the subject) to separate card types/sub-subjects.

practice exams are there (legally or not...) for a reason

—Practice exams are how I did well in physics (my least favourite subject). I separated all the questions by concept and then learned what I needed to by solving about 10 problems per concept. Same with my maths exam.

—If you have access to more than a couple of past exams you can familiarise yourself with the problems that tend to come up more frequently and how the professor tends to ask certain about certain concepts.

learn where you study best/most efficiently

—I absolutely cannot study at home. Too many distractions plus my bed is so comfortable...

—I found that the library worked perfectly. If I was out of my house then I might as well stay out and study. Also, the general academic atmosphere really helped me with motivation.

—To music or not to music, that is the question. Again, it depends on how and what you are studying. Physics and maths, for example, were just practice problems, so I would listen to music. I would also listen when writing flashcards. When learning flashcards, I'd either listen to rain sounds or absolutely nothing besides the scribbling of pens and the occasional sniffle. It all depends on how you focus best.

Ill. HEALTH

physical health

—Get your blood flowing. When I was in the library studying I would stand up every 45 minutes and go do squats and stretches in the bathroom. This can also help you focus (!).

—Every couple of hours, stand up and walk around for about 5 to 10 minutes. It gives you a little break and gets your blood circulating.

—I started cycling to uni. It is 5km (about half an hour) each way and I don't think I've been fitter in my life. It has done wonders for my mental health too.

—Drink water!! In the library I would only let myself stand up to stretch / pee after I finished an entire water bottle. This was every 45 minutes. I peed a lot.

—If the sun shines, go stand outside for a couple of minutes. This was a rare treat for me because where I live in Germany the winters are grey, grey, and darker grey. You need vitamin C and serotonin. Get some.

mental health

—Sleep. You need it. Trust me. Staying up really late to study for a bit longer before an exam isn't worth it. It'll lead to stupid mistakes that will bring your grade down and leave you feeling even more crappy.

—Take study breaks. If you are feeling mentally tired due to stress/over-studying, go home. Go to sleep. Let yourself sleep. It's worth it. Trying to cram more material in when you just can't do any more will not help you.

—Don't be afraid to not take an exam. At one point, I had 5 exams within 8 days of each other. I decided to not take the 4th one and to instead give myself a break and prepare for the 5th exam. It was the best decision I've made so far in uni. If you are worried about how not taking an exam will affect you in terms of your uni career, talk to an advisor or older student.

—Remember that you are not alone. Make one friend, even just an acquaintance. Reach out to old friends from school. Reach out to someone online, even anonymously. (I’m almost always online if you wanna chat <3 )

nutrition

—I'm really hypocritical for saying this, but eat breakfast. It makes a massive difference in your energy levels throughout the day.

—Eat a goddamn vegetable.

—Coffee can be your best friend but also your worst enemy. Use it responsibly.

—Alcohol is your own choice. Don't let anyone pressure you into drinking. You can have fun with or without it. And if someone tries to get you to drink even after you’ve said no, get the hell out of there.

IV. MISCELLANEOUS

—Sometimes skipping classes is worth it, but it's up to you to make the right choices as to which. I went to a grand total of 3 physics lectures and got a 1,3 on the exam (;

—You don't need to buy textbooks. Ask your classmates & have a look online (;

—BRING A PHONE CHARGER WITH YOU EVERYWHERE. I have a backpack changer and a home changer, and they live in those places.

—Carry painkillers, antacids, etc. around with you. Either you or someone you know will need some.

—Shower, especially if you are staying long days in the library. It will make you feel more alive.

—Find a cafe that you can retreat to when the library makes you want to rip your own eyes out.

—Treat yourself every now and again. Be it ice cream or a nice notebook or a frozen pizza or a fucking avocado, it’ll be worth it.

sometime in the future I’ll make a couple of posts where I’ll go into detail about some of the things I mentioned above (eg how I use Notability, my flashcard system, organisation, etc.)

unless this was absolute shite; if so lmk and I’ll go hide in a hole <3

[indomitablemegnolia]

Cold, empty, hollow feeling echoes along my nerves as I replay a memory over and over again.  I never had any idea, I always disdained the ingénues in romance tales, the ones that would run panting after some said hero, I never wanted to be one, yet here I am.  My mind conjures life, himself, his pitying face, and yes every time I thought of that creased brow and the laughing smile I wanted to hit it, words echoed, I wished I had just left it with the dead thudding “oh.” Yes, oh, as in my mind is screaming and all my lips can utter is oh, but never knowing exactly when to speak and when to keep my peace I smile, as they say, smile even if your soul and heart are being shredded after being ripped from your body clawed and spit on, split and slashed, yes, always smile, but that didn’t keep my lips closed.

“Oh, darling Life, of all the lies you ever told me, I love you was my favourite, was it ever true?” I surprised myself my voice was light with only a small tremor no catch or watery undertone.

His eyes remained smiling his pity losing its edge, “No”

“So, all of those promised moments, those oaths of fealty, the times you said… forever… they were what?”

“Well I have heard that sometimes forever is just a second.”

“Kiss me, please.” I had to know the truth, no matter how cold it was.

“Just one last time, then I will go.”

“You have to mean it, can you mean it?” I closed my eyes, knowing what he was going to say.

“I never have before.”

“I loved you.”  I whisper, I turn my back, "how stupid;" stopping him before his lips could touch mine; I walk away, I walked away from him before he would walk away from me.  The overlapping voices inside me making such a ruckus that I thought the entire world could hear it.  The Pleas, 'don’t leave me', 'not like this', 'I need you', 'I love you', 'I always will'; then they all quieted as 'Goodbye' ricocheted through me. I didn’t look back, not until I knew he had turned to leave, it was a mistake but I watched the last of his shoulders turn as he slowly faded. I felt living slowly ebb in my soul, it would only be a short while before my heart slowly stops beating; the bitch when it is life who leaves...

In this world of wit and worry in this universe.  In this one there are few things so beautiful they arch eons after ever being seen or felt…swimming in the ocean while it rains; reading alone in an empty library; a childs smile; the sea of stars that appear when you are miles away from neon lights of the city; the dull ache of a bar after two am with the flavour of bourbon on the tongue; lost in the wilderness on purpose or by accident; all phases of the moon; the things we do not know, nor ever will about the universe… and You… yes you Life, watching your face while you let all the pleasure flow through your body is a glorious sight. I know that you’re sometimes conscious of me observing you. It can made you hold back maybe a little, I try not to let that happen. It inhibits you from fully letting your mind follow your body, but when I was able, when all was want and desire and need to prolong the ecstasy washing over us, my god, you’re a sight like no other in this world. This one in the innumerable possible worlds, those other worlds in the other universes. Though as magnificent as I knew this world to be, I also knew there would be one world where we, almost, just ever so might have been lovers soulmates friends. In this one it simply just wasn’t meant to be, Life, himself just couldn’t come to love me.

I can’t have you, Life. You are not here, and will never visit again, this is something I know. I long for arms that aren’t there and never will be. It’s a bad habit I’m getting used to.

I kept walking mindless, finally stopping when I was in my room sorting through my closet.  Life, he finally told me, he never loved me, and this was goodbye.  I ran through my stages of grief, at the end coming to the conclusion, that unlike a usual break up, this one is a final resounding call.  Logically, what happens when Life, himself, says goodbye, time is really running out.  I pulled out the dress I never had the occasion to wear, black satin empire waist beaded and beautiful.  I slide it on, smoothing my hair and smearing on my best lipstick.

I deal in concrete vagaries, delicious ambiguity, my mind scattered to the four winds. I am not exactly sure why, but my thoughts and emotions were now haywire, bubbling up through the broken cracks in my soul, dampening my creativity, confusing my words and sending me on a spiral. I am collecting my thoughts, my mind and the fly away flurries of my soul to have peace for just this moment. I tamp it all deep down into my soul and keep it held tight, this new agitating pain. I know this is perhaps faulty thinking and temporary. Perhaps one day it won’t just be temporary, perhaps someday someone is going to hug me so tight all the broken pieces of my soul will fit back together. Damn you Life, why couldn’t you love me back.

Since I was young, I have always known this: Life damages us, every one and I’ve fallen in love with him. No one can escape that damage. But now, I am also learning this: I did by my actions amplify it. Perhaps it can be mended. My breath becoming short, my legs weak, I shivered; Oh, if only, I had the time.

As I walked on this beautiful night I looked at the sky and wondered how many people feel the way I do at this moment. The icy chill had left as well as that empty echo, I was not resigned but in an odd way… Content but not pleased; happy but in a distant nostalgia; blessed but also very cursed; found but so goddamned lost; I was alive but just barely breathing.

As I walked near a lacquered black door the tinkling of soul pulled at me. I walk into the sedate bar, soft tune playing from a grand piano from the corner, a man with a stingy brim and white suit jacket tippled his scotch while he played some sentimental piece. The smoky smell of centuries hanging on the aged wood and leather, the lighting low with a blue/aqua tinge to it.  Sliding onto the stool I realize that I am still smiling; Oh that programming was so ingrained.  I ran my hands over the warm mahogany of the bar, feeling centuries play under my fingers.  I breathed in the atmosphere deep.  If there were a heaven it might have one of these in it.

The bartender, in a white shirt sleeves rolled up to the elbows and a black velvet waist coat, his head shaved smooth, his skin held a healthy shine.  His eyes the colour of onyx shined with an air of grace, “What’ll it be?” his voice was like honey; thick, rich, deep, his words gathering s delicate click to the end.

I thought for a single beat, “Cocktail du aviation.”

“Its been an age since I have had a call for that one.”  I watched as he built the cocktail.  A chilled metal shaker filled with ice, two jiggers of gin frosty clear, a jigger of Maraschino liqueur a lightly pink colour, a dram of Lemon juice and two Jiggers of Crème de violette a vivid dark purple. He affixed the top and began to shake it to the staggering waltz of the music in the background.  While shaking it for the last two bars he pulled a chilled martini glass out, tossing three cherries with stems into the glass, uncapping the shaker he slowly poured the concoction into the glass that instantly frosts over, the dark purple turning a frosty delicious spring scented nirvana.  He floated three flowers on the top, setting a napkin in front of me placing the glass in the center, resting a longer stemmed bloom on the outer edge.

I lifted the glass, holding it under my nose, breathing in something beautiful and fresh.  “J’ai plus de souvenirs que si j’avais mille ans.” I took a drink of the memory soaked libation.  I rolled the flowers around my tongue, the flavour exploding in my mind, in my mouth, opening my eyes I lick my lips taking in the quizzical look, a laugh escapes me as I let memories creep into my mind, I translated, “I carry more memories, souvenirs,”

“Than I should after a thousand years lived…” his honeyed voice finished with me.  “I knew what it meant, just not why you would carry that much weight?”

I shrug, and take another drink, feeling alive even for a short moment; my heart thumps hard, slowing.  Now that Life, himself has left me flat it is just a game of waiting. 

Softly the piano started a soulful tinkling.  A low baritone began to sing, I felt my heart stop. “Birds flying high, you know how I feel," I took a last shuddering breath; "sun in the sky you know how I feel.” I rocked softly to the melody, taking a long drink, tipping my head back, revelling in the flavour.  Warmth came up behind me, soft breath caressing my ear. Sighing I lean back toward him. 

Oh, Terminus I loved sparring with him, but I also love when he was there to hold my wounded heart.  There was a time I counted him as my arch enemy; now I know he is my only meant to be, now as his warmth calmed that chill from my bones. I felt him sit on the stool next to me, I could smell the sweet bourbon on his breath and in his glass.  I open my eyes and look into his reflected in the beveled mirror.  His heavy lidded green eyes spoke of past and future and promises that from him that never rang empty. He smiled the most exquisite smile, delicious enticing, wrapped in a memory, veiled by reality and tinged by my dreams.

How does one explain an unknowable without sounding unsound? That euphonious nonsound, not an absence of noise but nothing audibly distinguishable. That click that is felt abd heard through the whole universe, that moment when our eyes met, like the switch of a train track, transporting both if us for one miraculous moment, to what might have been or is it what will be? Oh, but it was there.

His voice, lilting, plush, tempting tintinambulation; the result, sweet butterflies rioting through the veins; producing goose bumps, as if the sound has come from just behind the ear, as a warm breath caressing the neck. The exotic feeling of an audible dark chocolate thrills the body, every collected nerve inundated with sweet richness, trailed with a dark bite. In contrast all listening feel the dangerous, opulent, decadence, something almost endemically naughty about the tone that the depth of the words as lush as they felt, were belied with their defined ordinary nature, turning to a sweet erotic rapture

I wanted just to sit next to him and listen to everything he could possibly say about anything ever because there was something about him.  Oh, Terminus, there was always something about you, about the tilt of your head.  I luxuriated in the tone of his breath passing over his lush tongue. It was just the beautiful happening of existence that there he was. I  don’t even know what we talked about, I just listened to the sound of his voice and to his deep sweet laugh and the sound of him softly listening to me.

His beautifully calloused hand carefully caressed mine; his soft caressing whisper, "I remember how seeing the shape of your mouth that first time, I kept staring until my blood turned to rain. Some things take root in the brain and just don’t let go. Oh, Time passes, but she smiles and it may as well have just stopped. Come, closer now and listen my love, I warned you, Life only cares for beauty, and health and dancing and happiness.  You and I will always be.”

“How do you move on?“ I whispered surrounded in that moment by memory.

“You move on when your heart finally understands that there is no turning back.” he looked into my eyes and I finally saw that love I had always craved.  “Do you know the most beautiful part to loving a guarded girl? When she lets you in, it’s not because she needs you. She stopped needing people a long time ago. It’s because she wants you. And that - that is the purest love of all.”

The bartender appeared topping off our drinks. The cocktail was still gloriously frosty, and his bourbon smelled heavenly on his breath  “Anything else you’ll be needing Set?”

“Not at all Charon, I think we are about done here.”

I nodded, “of course, I… Set,” I looked at the beautiful bartender nodding,“Charon, you are beautiful, and mix a hell of a drink”

“Was a pleasure Miss, this was the sweetest tour I have taken. Its not often the boss comes on the trip.”

I laughed, “Now feel foolish calling you Terminus.”

“It fits, it is what I am, but it doesnt have to be a battle, a horror. .. Oh, you used to fight me, now look, you see... We were meant to be.” He took my hand pulling me from my perch on the stool. Handing me my lovely purple concoction. Wrapping his arm tightly around my shoulders, god, he was tall.

He walked comfortably to the door I entered through, but instead of the street...

@pedeka @keeper0fthestars @writernotwaiting @iamhisgloriouspurpose @littletesla

[hcneymilkks]

STRAY KIDS Seungmin ‘Likes’

In the 21st century, Social media has taken up our time. The term likes and comments always follow us around. How many likes do we get? Are the comments always positive? To Seungmin, it seems stupid, but as time goes on, he finally realizes how much it can change a person.

Pairing: Seungmin x Hyunjin

Genre: Angst (i think)

Warnings: none

NOTE: may or may not be a little rundown of what a whole book may be about (hehe)

Click.

Seungmin smiled. The light breeze ruffling his auburn hair. It was a cloudy day, rain starting to fall. The post-rain smell starting once again as the droplets hit the long green grass. Seungmin packed up his camera and school books, deciding the day were to end.

Few stops on the train, few bus rides and a little bit of walking, he was home. Home to an apartment he and Hyunjin share. It was fairly spacious. Two bedrooms each with a large closet, the bathroom, living room and kitchen is shared. Rent much less than what other college students pay.

"Hey I'm here." He took off his shoes and placed his camera and keys on the side table.

Hyunjin stared at the auburn boy sprawled out on the couch and giggled. "Rough day?"

Seungmin nodded his head and groaned. "I have an essay due next week, two presentations to do in two weeks and an art project due by the beginning of next month."

"Poor baby. Anyways I have food cooked, let's eat first and then tell me all of your problems."

Both the boys sat facing each other, nothing but chewing and sips heard. The sun had started to set behind Hyunjin, casting an orange glow on his honey coloured hair. Seungmin did nothing else but stare. Seungmin knew he was attracted to Hyunjin. Heck, even most people in his Collage are attracted to him. But Seungmin knew Hyunjin never liked the attention. He was a soft-spoken boy who liked the library and was an introvert. Never really into parties, loved politics, and is a member of the student council. Seungmin smiled. He knew he could never let Hyunjin go.

"Uh is there something on my face?" Hyunjin tilted his head.

Seungmin shook his head, quickly taking a sip of his water. Too much daydreaming.

"Thank you for the food, it's amazing as always. You know, instead of being a Political Science major you can be a cook. They get paid great, you get to try and create new recipes, and you are always in the back, away from people." Seungmin explained in a sing-song voice, the pitch going higher and louder as he emphasized on being away from people.

Hyunjin chuckled and brought his plate to the sink with Seungmin following. "Min, that actually doesn't sound like a bad idea, but you know how much I love politics, science and history. Taking this major is actually making me step out of my comfort zone which I want to happen."

Seungmin stayed silent, saying a simple 'oh' and putting his plate in the sink as well.

"But if all else fails, I will become a chef and give you free food for the rest of your life."

_____________

It was now eight in the evening. Both of the boys had their daily chores done and were now in the living room. One looking for something to watch on Netflix while the other cursing at his computer.

"Goddamn why won't you work?"

Hyunjin sat down beside Seungmin who looked like he was about to explode. "And I thought the younger generation was supposed to know how to work the newest technology."

"Bitch! You're only a few months older than me shut up."

Hyunjin slid the computer closer to him. "What the heck are you doing anyway?"

"I'm trying to upload the photos I took today. I need to post them!"

Hyunjin shook his head. "Give it to me."

The younger obeyed and gave the camera to Hyunjin.

"Okay, so you plug the cord into this USB port here and then plug the other side into your computer. Press select and upload the different pictures that you want."

"Okay...so how do I get them on my phone?"

Hyunjin sighed. For someone who was smart and creative, he was very dumb.

Moments later and the photos were posted, Sungmin smiling.

"Wow you know a lot about computers, you should change your major to computer science or software engineering."

"Nah bro that's too hard. Besides, I don't really like math. Anyways, where did you even post the photos?"

"On Instagram, duh."

"What's an Instagram?"

Seungmin almost dropped his phone in shock. Ten years of knowing this guy and he doesn't know what Instagram is? Oh, how did he fall in love with such an idiot?

"It's a social media app where you can share photos, like and follow content, and make online friends."

"Okay....What's the big hype about it. Why are you so into it?"

"I'm not into it." Seungmin looked the other way and blushed.

"Yeah says the baby who almost cried after he couldn't figure out how to make his computer work." Hyunjin playfully rolled his eyes.

"Hey! You take that back!"

_______________

Ding!

Ding!

Ding!

Hyunjin was confused, just who in the world would message Seungmin at this time? Seungmin was a likeable guy but was somewhat picky with his friends.

Could it perhaps be a girl?

Hyunjin shook his head. There was no way that Seungmin became straight all of a sudden. Not even his horrible flirting experience with Jeongin could change his mindset. At least, that's what he thinks.

"Sorry. I should probably put my phone on silent." Seungmin reached out for his phone when Hyunjin put his hand on top of Seungmin's and smiled.

"Don't worry about it. This account must be pretty popular."

Seungmin blushed and smiled. Oh, how easy it was for him to sway with any words that came out of Hyunjin's mouth.

"You should make one. You know, for the experience."

Seungmin stood up and bid Hyunjin a goodnight afterwards, leaving Hyunjin alone with his thoughts.

________________

"Chan how do you make an instagram?"

The Student Council meeting didn't start until half an hour, but Hyunjin decided to be extra early for the sake of some advice.

"Uh? You just make one? What's with all the questions? I thought you vowed not to go back on social media?"

Hyunjin sighed. "I know but I want to run for the next student council election as president and in this day and age people use social media more than ever."

"okay okay there buddy no need to sound like you were born with no internet. I'll help you." Chan was the current president but was graduating this year. To keep the student council running each year there would be elections, Chan had hoped the day would come that Hyunjin would run.

"Chan I still don't understand how to post."

"Ohmygod Hyunjin just do it like this." He took the phone from the younger boy's grasp, much to his complaints. Chan picked the photo they took of Hyunjin outside of the student council room and clearly showed step by step how to add filters (as if he needed it), how to hashtag, and what to caption.

"And I thought the younger generation knew how to use Instagram." A backpack was thrown and someone fell to the floor, groaning.

____________________

Seungmin started to cough violently.

"Hey man are you alright?" The freckled boy, Felix, patted his friend's back while someone was trying not to laugh.

"I-im fine." He said weakly, few coughs here and there. "Just went down the wrong pipe."

"Drink some more water then, it will help."

Both the blond and the aburn haired boys looked at the squirrel-looking boy.

"Are you stupid? Seungmin just almost died from a liquid."

"I'm fine I s-"

"Yeah but that liquid wasn't water Felix. Now his throat is all dry and needs to hydrate it with water."

"Jisung that's stupid, everything is made out of water. Where did you even get that information?"

Seungmin tried to speak louder but the two bickering boys wouldn't stop.

"I'll have you know that Tumblr is a reliable source for information."

"See this is why your IQ is a four."

More bickering.

Heated tension.

All because Jisung said something stupid.

"Guys enough! I'm alive and that's what matters." Seungmin took a sip of water to soothe his raw throat, hearing a ding coming from his phone.

While Jisung and Felix went back to the topic of Fortnite, Seungmin had opened his Instagram to see a new follower.

"No way. He actually did it."

__________________

Two weeks have passed and Hyunjin's following has increased. Everyone wants to know about the boy who came out of his shell to become the upcoming year's student council president.

Hyunjin felt happy, loved, accepted. He no longer was the shy boy in class who sat alone in front who was too scared to ask questions or voice his opinions. He could thank Instagram for the change.

But someone felt that Hyunjin was changing too much, for the worse.

Seungmin believed that too much social media for someone can change their whole demeanour. He didn't realize it would change his best friend.

"Hey Seungmin, do you think M5 or R3 would make me look better?"

It was one of those rare days where Hyunjin stayed back at the apartment. Many parties on campus and Hyunjin wanted to go to all of them. Accompanied by Changbin and Minho of course.

Seungmin had chosen to always stay at home, finishing up an essay that was due in a month.

"Um....what are those?"

Hyunjin looked at Seungmin, as if he was an alien from area 51. "Are you kidding me Seungmin? It's the Instagram filters from the new update. Gotta look good for the gram."

Seungmin rolled his eyes and mumbled a whatever under his breath. Hyunjin sighed and picked M5, posting the photo not a second longer.

"By the way, the student council wants to throw a party in our apartment, are you okay with that?"

Seungmin closed his laptop as he couldn't concentrate any longer.

"Why not throw the party at Chan's house? It's way bigger than here. Plus I hate parties so why should it be where I live?"

"Well jeez Seungmin sorry to hit a nerve. Sucks that my roommate won't even attend a party with me for once."

Seungmin felt his heart break. "A roommate? I'm not even your friend?"

"You stopped being my friend after I realized you're a loner and so boring. Like really Seungmin? Taking pictures of the sky is so creative there are tears in my eyes."

Seungmin stood up to get a glass of water. "No one asked you for your opinion Hyunjin. Let me remind you that I suggested to make an Instagram account for fun, not to change your whole fucking personality."

Hyunjin went into the kitchen and smirked at Seungmin. "Oh I see now, you're jealous. Jealous that I have more followers than you, jealous I'm more handsome than you, jealous-"

"Shut up! You're not Hyunjin. Hell I don't even know who you are. Fine! Have that stupid party here, I won't be attending and don't fucking ask for me. You have gone low Hyunjin. I don't even know who I fell in love with anymore."

Seungmin left the room without another word, slamming the door to his room.

Hyunjin stopped for a moment. "He loves me?"

________________

"Thanks for letting me stay here Felix, I'm sorry about that."

"No worries mate. You're always welcome here."

A ding goes off on Felix's phone and he gasps.

"Chan's throwing a party, wanna come?"

Seungmin groaned. "Come on Felix you know I don't do any of that. Plus the NOD Magazine at the University posts about the parties and posts photos. I can just read it and feel like I'm there."

Felix sighed. "Well if you ever change your mind, you know the address."

Felix soon left for what he called was the party of a lifetime with Jisung, Seungmin curled up in a ball watching Netflix.

A ding soon came from his phone.

Felix: if you change your mind mate, here's the address [Address]

Seungmin groaned, one party couldn't hurt right?

Oh but it did.

As Seungmin opened the door to his own apartment, he was welcomed with the shouts of "KISS, KISS KISS" and two people kissing.

Who you may ask?

Political Science major Hwang Hyunjin.

and,

Journalist Yang Jeongin.

___________

NOD MAGAZINE; BREAKING NEWS

Hwang Hyunjin has won the title of Student Council President for the 2019-2020 year!

But that's not all;

HWANG HYUNJIN IS TAKEN LADIES, TAKEN BY A MAN NAMED YANG JEONGIN.

Sources closest to them have said that they have feelings for each other and have taken it to the next level.

Congrats to the new couple we wish them well!

Seungmin sniffled.

"Stupid Hyunjin. Stupid Seungmin. If only I said nothing about opening an Instagram account he wouldn't have changed."

he could have been Seungmin's from the beginning.

now Seungmin is welcomed to the apartment with an empty feeling.

his heart more fragile than ever.

MASTERLIST

[nerdsies]

Impossible

requested by @there-goes-my-sanity

Ship: Albert x reader

Era: modern, college AU

Warnings: language, mild angst

Word Count: 1293

Prompt: #92 — “For some reason, I’m attracted to you”

spacing is weird cuz i wrote it on google docs and then c/p here i’m sorry

I fold my arms. Don’t let him get to you. “You can’t just saunter into a room like you own the place, make an off-handed suggestion, and expect everyone to drop everything and listen to you.”

“Can’t I?” Albert leans closer, hands pressed against the table. “Because it looks like I just did, and everything worked out just fine for me.”

“You’re impossible.” I slam my fist against the table to emphasize my point and storm out of the room.

“Hey,” says Finch, turning as I march by him. “Why so...you?”

“Ask him.” I jerk my thumb in the direction of their shared dorm bedroom. “I can’t believe the university stuck you with him for another year.”

“He’s not that bad.”

“Not that bad?” I echo. “Are you insane? Do you have any idea what he just did?”

“I’m sure you’ll tell me,” says Finch monotonously, rolling his eyes.

I take a deep breath to calm down. Albert has yet to emerge from the room, and I figure I have about a minute until I have to see his stupid face again. “So I’m in the middle of study group, right? And we’re working on this impossible problem and we’ve been going at it for, like, twenty minutes and we’re finally getting to the answer, and that jackass—” I gesture to the door “—waltzes in and starts hitting on my study group! And of course, because he’s got perfect hair and sparkling eyes and a dazzling smile, they all immediately forget about the question and giggle and chat and get lost in the fact that his eyes are the colour of a goddamn ocean during sunrise and how his stupid smirk makes you feel like the only person who matters and—”

“Damn.” Finch raises an eyebrow. “You’re laying on those compliments pretty thick.”

“Excuse me?”

“Sparkling eyes? Ocean during sunrise?”

“Don’t forget the perfect hair and dazzling smile,” says Albert, leaning against the threshold and smirking.

“Fuck off, both of you.” I grab my bag from their couch. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to the library to study. I’m not sure either of you know, but I didn’t have a great study session today.”

“That’s too bad.” Albert pouts mockingly. “Guess you’ll have to drop out. The campus would be so much nicer without you bitterly sulking around every corner.”

“I’m much more preferable compared to your insufferable ass appearing out of nowhere and acting like you’re some kind of gift from God.”

“Dweeb.”

“Dickhead.”

“Bitch.”

“Asshole.”

“Okay!” Finch raises his hands. “Jesus Christ, you guys. It’s been two years. Can’t you just get along?”

“We’ll get along when Hell freezes over,” says Albert.

“Tell your roommate to be an entirely different person, and then we’ll talk,” I tell Finch.

“Bye, (y/n),” says Finch pointedly, pushing me out of the dorm.

I turn to give Albert one last death-glare before I go. He reciprocates with a tasteful gesture, but I catch a glimpse of something else on his face as Finch shuts the door.

Minutes turned to hours as I study, and by the time I tune back into my surroundings, one of the student workers is telling everyone the library is closing in 10 minutes. I pack up my laptop and notes and plethora of papers, pull on my jacket, and head for the exit. It’s dark outside, a half-moon glowing in the sky and the dim lamps fluttering along the walls. I know books romanticize campus at night, but it’s absolutely terrifying and I’m at least 80% sure that I’m going to get mugged walking back to my dorm.

I pull out my phone and text Finch.

Lost track of time @ library. Hella dark. Knight in shining armour?

Your knight’s on his way.

I send a smiley face and slip my hands into my pockets. I rock back and forth on the balls of my feet as I watch people pass; none of them look particularly threatening but I need to keep my wits about me.

“Alright,” says an annoyed voice, “let’s go.”

I turn to see none other than Albert DaSilva, aka the last person I want to see, walking towards me.

I look around. “Are you talking to me?”

“Duh.”

“You’ve got to be joking.” I cross my arms. “I told Finch to come and get me.”

“No, you asked for a knight in shining armour. Apparently, that means me.”

“In your dreams,” I say. “I don’t trust you to walk me to my dorm and get me there in one piece.”

“A wise decision, really.” He grins. “Unfortunately, Finch is annoyingly insistent. C’mon, the faster we get you home, the faster we can forget this ever happened.”

I sigh and follow Albert as he walks off. We walk in silence for awhile, but I don’t really like it. I’m not used to him being so...quiet.

“Hey, God? It’s me. If you’re up there, feel free to just...smite me. Right now. Lightning is best, but I’m not picky.”

“You’re so dramatic,” says Albert.

“You’re so annoying,” I retort.

“You’re so pathetic. You can’t even find any clever insults.”

“Clever insults?” I laugh dryly. “You want a clever insult, you damned and luxurious mountain goat? You scurvy politician, you damned doorkeeper to every custrel that comes inquiring, you cream-faced loon? Where got’st thou that goose look?”

Albert has the nerve to laugh. “I love it when you talk Shakespearean to me.”

I roll my eyes. “Yeah. Whatever.”

“C’mon, princess. Hit me with some more.”

“Stop talking.” We’ve finally reached my dorm, and I search my bag for my key. “Thanks for the escort, Albert. You can go.”

“Without making sure you’re safely inside? Absolutely not.”

I groan. “Alright, out with it.”

“Out with what?”

“You’re even more of a douchebag as of late than you used to be, and I didn’t think that was possible. So, out with it. What’s new?”

“Nothing,” he says, but I can tell he’s lying.

“Tell me what’s going on,” I demand. “I won’t judge...at least, not a lot. C’mon, it’s driving me crazy. Just tell me the truth.”

“You want the truth?” Albert crosses his arms and leans against the brick wall. “I can’t stop thinking about you. It’s ridiculous. Since I met you last year, I’ve seen you as competition. Somebody to fight and beat and fight again. But lately I keep thinking about you even when I’m not trying to one-up you. I keep wanting to sit with you in the dining hall. I want to study with you in the library. I actually want to listen when you talk about whatever stupid thing it is that you’re obsessed with. For some reason, I’m attracted to you, and it’s driving me absolutely fucking crazy, ‘cause I’m absolutely fucking crazy about you.”

My hand is frozen, my key half-turned in the lock.

“Anyway, don’t worry about it.” Albert runs a hand through his hair. “I’m working on getting you out of my head.”

“You, uh…” I clear my throat. “You don’t have to do that.”

Albert raises an eyebrow. “Oh yeah?”

I shrug. “I mean...I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t been thinking about you in a non-competitive way, too.”

He smirks. “Is that so?”

I roll my eyes. “You’re impossible.”

“Impossibly irresistible, it seems.” His eyes sparkle as he reaches out and tucks a strand of hair behind my ear. “Goodnight, (y/n). I’ll see you tomorrow.” He leans down and kisses my cheek softly before giving me a wink and pulling up his hood, walking off into the night.

“Goodnight,” I manage, once my vocal cords remember to work. I open the door to my dorm and shut it behind me, leaning against the strong wood.

“You look happy,” says my roommate. “Cute date?”

I can’t help but smile. “Something like that.”