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snowdice · 3 years

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Potatoes and the Many Ways You Can Eat Them (Mysteries in Masks Universe)

Fandom: Sanders Sides

Relationships: Future Patton/Remus

Characters:

Main: Patton, Remus

Mentioned: Logan, Roman, Virgil

Summary: Patton is hungry while on the nightshift and his superhero co-worker, The Invincible, has some suggestions on how to make potatoes more palatable.

Yes, it is the return of the absolutely nonsensical universe from A Mystery in a Mask (but Not Out of It). Why? Big shrug.

Thanks @nonbinary-octopus for the fake-title that lead to this!

Notes: A character mentions children being eaten by a giant doll and also the death of a potato monster.

Name and Power Guide (to maybe stop some confusion, but probably not):

Roman-teleports- Goneboy (Unfortunately)

Remus- super-strength- The Invincible

Patton- force-fields- The Wall (Why?)

Logan- flies- Osprey (The only good one)

Deciet- electricity - Battery Pack

Virgil- laser vision- Optic Blast (I think I stole this from somewhere)

Patton sighed as he looked at the vegetable in front of him. He would not say he hated potatoes per say. No, hating potatoes was attributed to Optic Blast who had taken to declaring his loathing for the vegetable at every waking moment for the last 2 months over and over and over again until even Patton started to get annoyed with him. Of course, to be fair to the hero… Patton hadn’t used laser vision to blow up a sentient potato monster, getting mashed potato gore all over himself only to be expected to eat potatoes for the next 2 months straight because the potato monster had spawned normal potatoes all over the city and really the only way to get rid of them was for everyone to band together and eat them.

So, no, Patton didn’t hate potatoes. He had not declared that they were now his mortal enemy. But. Well. Look... He was an optimistic man who did his best to see the upsides to everything, but even he was starting to get a little sick of potatoes.

He was hungry, though, with four hours of his night shift left, and there weren’t many options in the superhero headquarter’s very small kitchen except for potatoes. So… potatoes. Yeah.

“That’s a pretty forlorn expression to give a root vegetable at 2:13am,” a voice said.

Patton glanced up to see the teammate he’d been paired with for the evening, known by the pseudonym The Invincible because of his superstrength and tough skin. He and Patton didn’t… exactly get along. They’d been two teams for a short while that fought each a bit, and even after deciding to come together as one big team, they tended to still have a bit of animosity between the two groups. He and The Invincible in particular didn’t see eye to eye all of the time. Their senses of humor did not meld well and while they agreed on goals much of the times, they often disagreed on the methods to achieve those goals. Not to mention, they’d often been paired up in fights before becoming a team considering he had superstrength and Patton had a forcefield.

Patton would much rather be paired up with Logan or maybe Goneboy. Optic Blast wouldn’t even be too bad despite having been on the opposite team. They got along okay when he wasn’t being crabby about potatoes and… the rest of existence. He almost reminded him of his roommate, Virgil in some ways and Patton loved Virgil.

“Well, you know,” Patton said to The Invincible. “Potatoes.”

“Potatoes,” he agreed, understanding as only a citizen of their fair city could.

“Trying to decide if I want mashed, baked, or fried.” He frowned down at the vegetable. “All of the options sound…”

“Like shit?” The Invincible suggested, eyes shining behind his mask.

Patton pursed his lips at him in disapproval.

“Oh, come on, say it,” the other man said. “Come on. You know it’s true. Just say it.”

Patton looked down at the counter. “It’s true,” he mumbled, “but I don’t have to say it.”

The Invincible paused. “Eh, close enough.” Then, he snatched the potato up from in front of Patton. “We’re not making a boring potato dish tonight,” he declared.

“Oh, then what are we making?”

“Cookies,” he declared.

Patton blinked. “Well,” he said, “I’m all for cookies myself, but how…?”

“Oh,” The Invincible said, “I’ve done a lot of potato experiments in the last month or so. Let me enlighten you.”

***

Well, Patton thought as they put the potato cookies in the oven, he wasn’t sure how they would taste, but they were certainly an interesting concoction. “So, you really think that’ll work?” he asked.

The Invincible just shrugged. “Maybe,” he said seeming fully unconcerned.

Patton couldn’t help but chuckle. “Well, it was…” he paused, “fun, at the very least.”

“Just call me Mr. Fun.”

“No can do,” Patton said. “I once fought a living doll called Mr. Fun.”

“Oh?”

“He was not fun. He ate children.”

“Those are always the worst types of living dolls. Like, if a giant money ate a kid, yeah, sure, at least they’re getting nutrients out of it, but a doll? It’s a doll! What’s even the point? Fun?”

“According to Mr. Fun… yes.”

“Huh. Do you think the cookies need frosting?”

Patton thought about it for a moment. “Chocolate?”

“Well, yes, obviously.”

…

“Hmm,” Patton said, studying the cookies once they were out of the oven.

“Hmm,” The Invincible agreed. “Well, we can at least try them. Half the fun is the experimenting after all.”

“Do you do a lot of cooking experiments?”

The Invincible nodded. “Some turn out better than others. I’ve found awesome things, but also horrible things. If it tastes bad, I feed it to Roman…my dog.”

“You have a dog?”

“Eh, he’s more of a stray I let hang around. I do have a cat though and she’s great.”

“Oh, I love kitties!” Patton said. “I’m a bit allergic though.”

He whipped out his phone immediately to show Patton pictures of his grey and black cat named Diesel Fuel. He ended up in his excitement to show all of his kitty pictures, accidently showing Patton one that shad a man in it as well, and that’s how he first saw Remus’s face.

The potato cookies were… bad.

Patton hoped Roman enjoyed them!

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My Master Post

#sanders sides #patton sanders #remus sanders #intruality #logan sanders mentioned #roman sanders mentioned #virgil sanders mentioned #superhero au #adriana writes #not peices fic #mysteries in masks universe

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snowdice · 4 years

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A Mystery in a Mask (but Not Out of It)[Dice Roll 9]

Fandom: Sanders Sides

Relationships: Roman/Deceit, Logan/Virgil, Patton/Remus

Characters: Roman, Deceit, Logan, Virgil, Patton, Remus

Summary: Roman accidentally sleeps with a co-worker, but since his job is being a superhero and they all wear mask, he’s not sure which co-worker. Also Patton got kidnapped.

Look. This is. It’s all but a crack fic. It is not particularly good and maybe confusing at some points, but I can’t stop laughing at the chaos of all of these idiots especially Roman who has achieved peak himbo status in this fic. The mystery was supposed to be where is Patton, but just ended up being who is who and also who is sleeping with who??

Universe: Superhero AU

Genre: Mystery

Notes: Kidnapping, head wounds mentioned

This is part of my Roll the Dice Event which is where I do random ships, universes, and genres for the Sanders Sides fandom. For more details see this post. I posted a few days ago my results from this dice roll here.

Name and Power Guide (to maybe stop some confusion, but probably not):

Who let me pick out superhero name. Goodness...

Roman-teleports- Goneboy (I’m just. I’m so tired ya’ll)

Remus- super-strength- The Invincible

Patton- force-fields- The Wall (yeah)

Logan- flies- Osprey (I looked up Hawk like birds and picked the first thing)

Deciet- electricity - Battery Pack

Virgil- laser vision- Optic Blast (There might already be a superhero/villian with this name somewhere)

Roman woke up a little bit sore and a lot a bit hungover. He cracked open his eyes to stare at the light shining from the window onto the bedroom roof. Ugh. What time was it?

He turned over, intending to grab his phone, when he realized there was another person in his bed.

Oh, right. His regular bar. His regular drink. The getting to be regular guy he’d brought home for the 5th time last night.

Damien. He’d been told the man’s name on the third night and given a phone number on the fourth.

Roman eyed him lazily. Dark brown hair was thoroughly mused, and his mouth was naturally set in a frown even in sleep. When awake, he’d always have a sharp tongue and sharper eyes and unlike most people, the sharpness of his face didn’t gentle when his mouth and eyes were closed in sleep. His skin was a maze of patters: vitiligo, if he remembered right. He was very pretty, Roman thought. He reached out a hand to trace the line just next to his nose where darker skin met lighter skin.

The peace of the morning was suddenly interrupted by a harsh insistent beeping. The man’s eyes shot open and he sat straight up. Roman opened his mouth to apologize and explain, but he beat him to it.

“That’s my work. Sorry.” He grabbed his device from the desk and silenced it, but the beeping persisted, though a bit quieter. Roman reached for his own device and silenced it. They stared at each other for a long moment.

“Oh,” said Roman.

“Shit.”

“So… who?”

“Nope, we’re not doing that,” the man said, stumbling to his feet. “I’ll see you in 10 minutes and also never.”

“Wait…” but he was gone, out of the door before Roman could blink. If any of his teammates had superspeed, he’d have known who he’d just slept with, but as it was, he had no idea. He glanced down at the notification and his eyes widened. Well, that discounted one member of the superhero team. (Remus had ever been in the running.) Roman hopped to his feet and threw on his costume as quickly as possible before teleporting to base. Roman was, of course, the first one there other than Remus (or The Invincible in this case) who had sent the alert out.

Osprey arrived a moment later since he could fly with his typical serious expression and Battery Pack a few moments after that, probably using one of his fancy vehicles. Optic Blast arrived last and out of breath. “I hate every last one of you,” he panted, glaring at them all. Then he turned to Remus. “Also, what the fuck do you mean The Wall got kidnapped.”

“He got kidnapped,” Remus replied with a casual shrug.

Before Optic Blast could launch himself at him, Osprey stepped between them. “Invincible would you please care to be more specific. As in, how do you know that The Wall was kidnapped?”

“Oh, yeah, sure,” Remus agreed. “So, he flipped his emergency alarm, but you know he does that on accident all the time so I tried to call him, and he wouldn’t pick up. So, I went out to look for him at his last known location, got bonked in the head, and when I woke up could only find his mask on the ground.”

Osprey nodded at him. “We will split up and start an investigation. Since Optic Blast and I know The Wall’s secret identity, we will go check his apartment for clues.”

“Wait! Since when has Optic Blast known The Wall’s secret identity?!” Roman asked. “I don’t even know his secret identity and we’re partners 80% of the time.”

“They used to be roommates,” Osprey answered.

“What?!”

“You’re very observant, are you?” Battery Pack asked dryly.

Roman opened his mouth to defend himself, but Osprey cut him off. “Enough! This is a serious issue and we cannot waste time squabbling. Goneboy since The Wall isn’t here, you can go with Battery Pack and Invincible to recheck his last known location.”

“Erm, actually, I might have a concussion… so…” Remus said.

“Right,” Osprey said, pinching the bridge of his nose. “You go get that checked out and Battery Pack and Goneboy will go together.”

Everyone nodded. “Okay, get supplies.”

Roman found himself alone with Osprey for a moment, both being the quickest to gather their supplies and get back to the main room since Roman could teleport and Osprey was always very organized. Roman eyed him carefully “Hey, do you feel awkward around the team today for some certain reason?” he asked.

“Is this a meme?”

“What?” Roman asked.

“If I answer in a certain way are you going to quote some meme at me that I don’t understand and laugh?”

“No…”

“Then no.”

Roman squinted at him. “Hmm… Okay.”

“Why?” Osprey asked.

“No reason,” Osprey cocked an eyebrow. “I might have slept with a guy and then he got the alert about The Wall at the same time as me so he’s someone on the team.”

“Ah,” Osprey thought for a moment. “Ah.”

“What Ah. Do you know who?”

“By simple process of elimination, it’s quite obvious.”

“Who then?”

Osprey considered him for a moment but didn’t say anything and the other’s entered a few moments later. “We’ll all talk about it once we find The Wall,” Osprey decided.

“Talk about what?” Optic Blast asked suspiciously.

“You don’t need to worry about it,” replied Osprey.

“Well now I am worried about it!”

“Let’s just go, Optic Blast,” Logan said yanking him out of the room and leaving Roman and Battery Pack alone.

“Shall we?” Battery Pack asked Roman.

“Sure,” Roman replied.

Roman and Battery Pack searched through the little alleyway between two houses in a nice suburban neighborhood. “What was The Wall even doing here?” Roman asked.

“I have no idea, I’m sure,” Battery Pack drawled.

“Yeah, me either!”

Battery Pack glanced at him briefly. “Nothing seems to be out of the ordinary.”

“Nothing is even being picked up by this thingy Osprey gave me.”

“That’s because it’s a heat sensor and The Wall is kidnapped. Not invisible.”

“…You don’t know that.”

“Why did it have to be you,” he whispered under his breath.

“Because The Wall’s gone and The Invincible is injured. I mean, I guess you could have worked with Optic Blast or Osprey, but for some reason they’ve been insisting on going together all of the time anymore.”

“Ah, yes. Silly me. I don’t know how I didn’t think of that.”

Roman continued to look down at the ground intently for any clues. “By the way. Do you have any say… awkward feelings around your teammates today?”

“Not at all.”

Roman just nodded in reply and continued to use the device in his hands.

Osprey landed in front of them suddenly, Optic Blast held in his arms. “Did you two find anything?” Optic Blast ask as he was set down.

“No,” Roman replied, with a frown.

“His car is missing from his house,” Osprey said, “but his keys aren’t which implies it was stolen.”

“What? They went back to his house and stole his car?”

Osprey and Optic Blast exchanged a look.

“Oh, I see,” Roman said, eyes narrowed. “That’s his house, isn’t it?”

“You are a clueless moron, aren’t you?” Optic Blast asked.

“Let’s not start a fight,” Osprey smoothly interjected. “The lucky thing is that The Wall agreed to allow me to put a tracker on his car after he lost it in the Walmart parking lot three times. Goneboy, could you teleport us all there?”

“Sure,” Roman replied. Logan gave him the location and he teleported them all there one by one. They all fanned out to surround the small cabin they found there with barely a word between them.

Roman crept forward to glance in one of the windows. “I see someone,” Roman said. “He’s in the kitchen. No one else is around. I’m going to apprehend him.”

“Goneboy wait!” Osprey ordered.

Roman teleported into the kitchen behind the man and grabbed him, putting his hand over his mouth to muffle any screaming. To Roman’s surprise he was immediately thrown back by… by a forcefield?

“Goneboy?” the man who must be The Wall asked, putting his hand over his chest like a startled old lady.

Osprey had hopped through the kitchen window the next second. “Are you alright?” he asked.

“Yeah…” The Wall said, eyebrows drawn together. “Why?”

“He’s fine; stand down,” Osprey said into the coms.

“Wall, what the hell?” Virgil asked barreling through the front door. Battery Pack followed behind him at a more sedate pace.

“What do you… what do you mean? What are you all doing here?”

“You were kidnapped,” Osprey said, arms crossed. “Allegedly.

“I… what?” The Wall asked.

“Oh, hey, guys,” Remus said walking in from the living room. “You found us! I’m impressed.”

“Remus,” The Wall hissed. “You were supposed to give them an excuse.”

“I did!” he replied. “The excuse was you got kidnapped. I even put your spare car keys in your house so they’d think your car was stolen.”

There was a moment of silence. “You motherfucker,” Roman finally said.

“I’m so sorry,” The Wall said to them before turning back to Remus with a frown. “Remus, honey, that is not what I meant.”

Optic Blast looked between the two of them for a moment. “Oh my god, you’re sleeping together.”

“They’re what?!” Roman asked.

“Well,” Osprey said. “Goneboy and Battery Pack shouldn’t feel embarrassed about screwing then.”

“What?!” Roman said, spinning around to face the other man.

Battery Pack didn’t seem surprised by the revelation that his bedfellow was Roman. Instead, he narrowed his eyes at Osprey. “You’re screwing Virgil.”

“Who the hell is Virgil?!” Roman asked but got his answer the same moment as Optic Blast hissed at Battery Pack or Damien or… ah?

“Virgil’s right. You are a clueless moron,” Deceit replied.

“A clueless moron you let…”

‘Virgil’ covered The Wall’s ears. “Not in front of Patton!”

“‘Patton’s’ fucking my brother!” Roman replied.

“He’s your brother?” Patton asked.

Remus looked around himself. “I was not expecting this much chaos, but I am incredibly pleased.”

Roman teleported next to him and smacked him upside the head. “Put a lid on it, Remus.”

“I think we’re overdue for a reevaluation of the decision to keep our secret identities secret,” said Osprey.

“His name’s Logan,” Patton said pointing cheerfully. ‘Logan’ sighed.

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