#got my first period since Thanksgiving

[magpie-to-the-morning]

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[suppose-i-was-worm]

I Put A Spell On You

Fake Dating (Part 1)

**I know, it's not the one that I started writing and was really funny, I'm having a lot of trouble with that one. Enjoy this one instead!**

“I need your help.”

Damian frowned, stashing away the knife he’d hidden beneath his pillow. Danny was crouched on the sill of the window he’d come in through, looking at him with wide blue eyes.

“Tt. What do you need? It is well past midnight.”

“I need you to fake date me.”

“What?”

Danny flinched, and Damian realized how sharp his question had been.

“My apologies. Please explain to me what is going on so that I can best assist you.”

Coming fully into the room, Danny started to explain.

“So, you know my parents and holidays, right? They- they’ve started hounding me about bringing home a significant other since Jazz got married.”

Damian nodded- he was familiar with Danny’s parents’ personality, even having never met them.

“Anyways, for Thanksgiving, they’re threatening to invite Paulina over and make me sit next to her. Paulina, Dames! I wouldn’t survive. So I told them I had a boyfriend who lived here in Gotham, and now they’re insisting on coming here to visit. If they find out I lied, I’ll be dead! My grades are too good for an early death.”

“So you came to me.”

“You’re the only person I know well enough to pull this off, Damian.”

Damian pinched the bridge of his nose, a habit picked up from his father.

“And you did not think to tell them about-“

Cutting him off, Danny grabbed Damian’s face and looked directly into his eyes, a serious look on his face.

“Damian, I assure you it would be a fate worse than death if they found out how we met.”

Damian pulled himself away from Danny, glad for the dim light of his bedroom hiding the blush heating up his cheeks. The other man had never been that close to his face, and Damian would probably say that Danny’s eyes were more dangerous for him than the entire League of Assassins.

“Please, Dames? It’s Paulina we’re talking about.”

Closing his eyes, Damian thought things through. Fake dating Danny would be- a blessing and a curse at the same time. A blessing, as it would require him to be close to the other man for extended periods. A curse, because he knew it would end as soon as Danny’s parents left Gotham. For Damian, who had been struck by Danny’s beauty from the first moment he’d seen the other, the brief benefits might just outweigh the pain of them ending. At least he’d have the memory of being close to Danny.

When he opened his eyes, Danny was holding his hands in a mock praying position, looking up at Damian through his lashes.

“Tt. Fine.”

Danny lit up, literally, and then darted forward, planting a kiss on Damian’s cheek.

“You’re the best! They’re coming in to town tomorrow- drop by mine when you can!”

The other man slid back out of the window and flew off before Damian recovered from the kiss enough to protest the short notice.

~~~

The next day found Damian waiting outside Danny’s apartment, flowers in hand. He had done some investigation as to what he ought to bring with him to meet a significant other’s parents, so he was also armed with a bottle of wine and a box of chocolates.

The door opened soon enough after his knock, revealing an older woman he had never seen before. He could see where Danny got his frame, though, as well as his delicate features.

“You must be Damian! Come in! Danny’s elbow deep in the microwave with Jack. I’m Maddie- we’ve heard so much about you!”

“Thank you, ma’am.”

He stepped inside the apartment, handing Maddie the wine and chocolates after she closed the door.

“Oh, you’re a charmer, aren’t you? Danny!”

Danny poked his head out of the kitchen, and Damian almost swooned at the look Danny gave him.

“Hey Dames! Glad you could make it!”

He emerged, wiping what looked like grease off his hands, and took the flowers that Damian handed him.

“For you, Beloved.”

More importantly, he also took the short kiss Damian gave him over the bouquet.

When Damian pulled away, he was delighted to see that Danny was flushed.

“Uh- thank you! They’re beautiful.”

“Oh, you two are so cute! How long have you been dating?”

“Three years.”

“Not long.”

Danny and Damian spoke at the same time, and then Damian smiled smoothly, determined to fix his mistake.

“Perhaps I feel like our time together until now has been too short. Every time I see you, you are as beautiful as the day we met.”

He was rewarded with Danny flushing an even brighter red.

Maddie turned to her son, hands on her hips.

“You’ve been dating this polite young man for so long and hadn’t told us?”

Danny shuffled his feet, looking bashful.

“I didn’t want to scare him away. I really like him, mom.”

A large man came out of the kitchen, laughing a booming laugh.

“We can tell, Danno. It’s not like you haven’t been talking about him for the last few years.”

Damian looked over at Danny, doing his best not to let his expression show. Danny had been talking about him to his parents? For years?

Danny laughed nervously and then herded everyone into the dining room.

If he were being honest, Damian had pulled out all of his acting skills to charm the Drs. Fenton throughout the evening. He did not need acting skills for his interactions with Danny. He kept close to the other, wrapping an arm around his shoulder when he could and dropping light kisses into the shorter man’s hair when the opportunity presented itself.

It was heaven.

Danny walked him out to his car after dinner, and didn’t let go of Damian’s hand the entire way.

“Thank you for tonight, Dames.”

Damian smiled down at the love of his life.

“Of course, Beloved. Anything for my husband.”

With a scoff, Danny let go of Damian’s hand and stepped back.

“Sure, Damian. Drive safe.”

~~~

Danny Fenton knew when he was screwed. His parents had been in Gotham for a week, and Damian was still dropping by to see him on a semi regular basis. He’d even been touchy, and Danny knew that of all people, Damian Wayne wasn’t ever physically affectionate.

It partly gave him hope, and partly made him think this gambit was hopeless. He was aware of Damian’s extra-curriculars, after all, and knew the entire family were good actors.

And yet-

Damian’s parting kiss to him had been long and clinging the evening before his parents left, and he seemed reluctant to leave Danny standing in his own doorway. His hand lingered on Danny’s wrist, and his eyes were the last to tear away.

So, yeah. Danny was fifty percent sure that Damian might possibly reciprocate his feelings, but he didn’t have the courage to ask outright.

He hadn’t had the courage to ask much of Damian since they met, even though he’d been half in love with the other man the moment they laid eyes on each other.

It had been a routine summoning- He’d tasted the blood in his mouth, and while it did not necessarily taste like the blood of an innocent (he always went to bat for the victim in those cases), it piqued his curiosity enough to check things out.

He rose from the summoning circle, crown of fire wreathing his head as he showed off his less human appearance.

The cultists fell away from him, scrambling to bow and prostrate themselves in front of him.

“Oh great Ghost King! Please accept this sacrifice in order to take your rightful place as the lord of all worlds!”

Danny looked down to see a handsome young man in a well fitted suit glaring up at him, blood drying from a wound on his head.

When their eyes met, something changed. The summoning circle flared from Danny’s own ice blue to a sharp neon green, and something lit up under the chair the ‘sacrifice’ was tied to.

With noises of surprise, the cultists started to rise to investigate, but Danny snapped his fingers and caught them all in ice.

Landing, Danny inspected both the runes in the summoning circle and the one beneath the sacrifice, and then floated out of the circle to find the book the cultists had been using to summon him.

When he found it, he had the urge to finish these idiots off himself. They had somehow botched the ritual so much that they had turned it into something of a wedding, and now he was ghost married to a human civilian.

Turning back to said human civilian, he found the other on his feet on the opposite side of the room, holding an improvised weapon.

“Oh cool, you got free. Good news, you’re not going to die.”

The civilian stiffened even more, arching an eyebrow.

“Tt. What is the bad news?”

Danny shrugged.

“Oh, not much. We’re just kinda… Married now? I’ll find a way to dissolve it, or something, and you’re not obligated to have anything to do with me, but… Yeah. Supernaturally married. Is a thing. That we are.”

Civilian’s shoulders slumped, and he stalked out of the warehouse (why was it always warehouses?). Danny followed behind.

“Oh, hey, we’re in Gotham!”

“What does that have to do with anything?”

“Close to my apartment.”

The man turned to him incredulously.

“The ghost king has an apartment in Gotham?”

Danny let his transformation wash over him.

“Well, Danny Fenton does, and I’m him most of the time.”

“Damian Wayne. A pleasure.”

Damian held out his hand, and Danny shook it carefully.

“Totally! I’m gonna- go. I guess. And look into the ghost married thing.”

“No rush. It might be advantageous to be married to an interdimensional king.”

With a laugh, Danny lifted into the air.

“Sure. I’m cool with being friends, if you want. Maybe we can work together.”

“I can do friends.”

[greenbergsays]

Going up to my uncle's house on Thanksgiving weekend was the first time I really got to spend an extended period of time with his kids. I've met them before, but briefly, and always when other family was around. So it was the first time I got a lot of one-on-one time with them.

He has two boys, they're four and six years old. The six year old has been diagnosed with autism and is mostly nonverbal.

The four year old makes up for his brother's quiet ways by talking enough for the both of them. And what does he want to talk about? Math.

He is hyper-fixated on math. Like what-is-the-square-root-of level math.

The thing you gotta know about me is I am the exact opposite. I'm confident all day every day with words, but just the THOUGHT of math makes me panic. My mind goes completely blank, even on stuff that I should know.

I'm a smart person, but not if you ask me math questions.

So of course, the four year old sat in my lap one day while we were there and started asking me square-root questions, and I was like, "Buddy, I regret to inform you that I am not good at math. I cannot answer these questions."

He stared at me with wide eyes and said, in a very sincere yet sad voice, "Oh. I'm so sorry."

Well, apparently, in the time since we've left, the four year old has tried to ask about me, but he couldn't remember my name.

So, he asked my uncle, "What about Aunt, um--Aunt--you know! The one that can't do math!!"

Yes, I know, I'm technically his cousin, but considering the number of children in this family that call me 'Aunt Dessie' it's just easier to let all of them do it

But that's how he remembers me. I can't be remembered as "the one who taught me how to count in Hawaiian and German" (because I did) or "the one that came with Grandma" (because that's also true)

No. I gotta be "the one who can't do math."

And then he tells my uncle, "That's really sad. We should help her."

So I don't know how your life is going, but I'm being pitied by a four year old

[racefortheironthrone]

Why People Are Wrong About the Puritans of the English Civil War and New England

Oh well, if you all insist, I suppose I can write something.

(oh good, my subtle scheme is working...)

Introduction:

So the Puritans of the English Civil War is something I studied in graduate school and found endlessly fascinating in its rich cultural complexity, but it's also a subject that is popularly wildly misunderstood because it's caught in the jaws of a pair of distorted propagandistic images.

On the one hand, because the Puritans settled colonial New England, since the late 19th century they've been wrapped up with this nationalist narrative of American exceptionalism (that provides a handy excuse for schoolteachers to avoid talking about colonial Virginia and the centrality of slavery to the origins of the United States). If you went to public school in the United States, you're familiar with the old story: the United States was founded by a people fleeing religious persecution and seeking their freedom, who founded a society based on social contracts and the idea that in the New World they were building a city on a hill blah blah America is an exceptional and perfect country that's meant to be an example to the world, and in more conservative areas the whole idea that America was founded as an explicitly Christian country and society. Then on the other hand, you have (and this is the kind of thing that you see a lot of on Tumblr) what I call the Matt Damon-in-Good-Will-Hunting, "I just read Zinn's People's History of the United States in U.S History 101 and I'm home for my first Thanksgiving since I left for colleg and I'm going to share My Opinions with Uncle Burt" approach. In this version, everything in the above nationalist narrative is revealed as a hideous lie: the Puritans are the source of everything wrong with American society, a bunch of evangelical fanatics who came to New England because they wanted to build a theocracy where they could oppress all other religions and they're the reason that abortion-banning, homophobic and transphobic evangelical Christians are running the country, they were all dour killjoys who were all hopelessly sexually repressed freaks who hated women, and the Salem Witch Trials were a thing, right?

And if anyone spares a thought to examine the role that Puritans played in the English Civil War, it basically short-hands to Oliver Cromwell is history's greatest monster, and didn't they ban Christmas?

Here's the thing, though: as I hope I've gotten across in my posts about Jan Hus, John Knox, and John Calvin, the era of the Reformation and the Wars of Religion that convulsed the Early Modern period were a time of very big personalities who were complicated and not very easy for modern audiences to understand, because of the somewhat oblique way that Early Modern people interpreted and really believed in the cultural politics of religious symbolism. So what I want to do with this post is to bust a few myths and tease out some of the complications behind the actual history of the Puritans.

Did the Puritans Experience Religious Persecution?

Yes, but that wasn't the reason they came to New England, or at the very least the two periods were divided by some decades. To start at the beginning, Puritans were pretty much just straightforward Calvinists who wanted the Church of England to be a Calvinist Church. This was a fairly mainstream position within the Anglican Church, but the "hotter sort of Protestant" who started to organize into active groups during the reigns of Elizabeth and James I were particularly sensitive to religious symbolism they (like the Hussites) felt smacked of Catholicism and especially the idea of a hierarchy where clergy were a better class of person than the laity.

So for example, Puritans really first start to emerge during the Vestments Controversy in the reign of Edward VI where Bishop Hooper got very mad that Anglican priests were wearing the cope and surplice, which he thought were Catholic ritual garments that sought to enhance priestly status and that went against the simplicity of the early Christian Church. Likewise, during the run-up to the English Civil War, the Puritans were extremely sensitive to the installation of altar rails which separated the congregation from the altar - they considered this to be once again a veneration of the clergy, but also a symbolic affirmation of the Catholic doctrine of transubstantiation.

At the same time, they were not the only religious faction within the Anglican Church - and this is where the religious persecution thing kicks in, although it should be noted that this was a fairly brief but very emotionally intense period. Archbishop William Laud was a leading High Church Episcopalian who led a faction in the Church that would become known as Laudians, and he was just as intense about his religious views as the Puritans were about his. A favorite of Charles I and a first advocate of absolutist monarchy, Laud was appointed Archbishop of Canturbury in 1630 and acted quickly to impose religious uniformity of Laudian beliefs and practices - ultimately culminating in the disastrous decision to try imposing Episcopalianism on Scotland that set off the Bishop's Wars. The Puritans were a special target of Laud's wrath: in addition to ordering the clergy to do various things offensive to Puritans that he used as a shibboleth to root out clergy with Puritan sympathies and fire them from their positions in the Church, he established official religious censors who went after Puritan writers like William Prynne for seditious libel and tortured them for their criticisms of his actions, cropping their ears and branding them with the letters SL on their faces. Bringing together the powers of Church and State, Laud used the Court of Star Chamber (a royal criminal court with no system of due process) to go after anyone who he viewed as having Puritan sympathies, imposing sentences of judicial torture along the way.

It was here that the Puritans began to make their first connections to the growing democratic movement in England that was forming in opposition to Charles I, when John Liliburne the founder of the Levellers was targeted by Laud for importing religious texts that criticized Laudianism - Laud had him repeatedly flogged for challenging the constitutionality of the Star Chamber court, and "freeborn John" became a martyr-hero to the Puritans.

When the Long Parliament met in 1640, Puritans were elected in huge numbers, motivated as they were by a combination of resistance to the absolutist monarchism of Charles I and the religious policies of Archbishop Laud - who Parliament was able to impeach and imprison in the Tower of the London in 1641. This relatively brief period of official persecution that powerfully shaped the Puritan mindset was nevertheless disconnected from the phenomena of migration to New England - which had started a decade before Laud became Archbishop of Canterbury and continued decades after his impeachment.

The Puritans Just Wanted to Oppress Everyone Else's Religion:

This is the very short-hand Howard Zinn-esque critique we often see of the Puritan project in the discourse, and while there is a grain of truth to it - in the Massachusetts Bay Colony, the Congregational Church was the official state religion, no other church could be established without permission from the Congregational Church, all residents were required to pay taxes to support the Congregational Church, and only Puritans could vote. Moreover, there were several infamous incidents where the Puritan establishment put Anne Hutchinson on trial and banished her, expelled Roger Williams, and hanged Quakers.

Here's the thing, though: during the Early Modern period, every single side of every single religious conflict wanted to establish religious uniformity and oppress the heretics: the Catholics did it to the Protestants where they could mobilize the power of the Holy Roman Emperor against the Protestant Princes, the Protestants did it right back to the Catholics when Gustavus Adolphus' armies rolled through town, the Lutherans and the Catholics did it to the Calvinists, and everybody did it to the Anabaptists.

That New England was founded as a Calvinist colony is pretty unremarkable, in the final analysis. (By the by, both Hutchinson and Williams were devout if schismatic Puritans who were firmly of the belief that the Anglican Church was a false church.) What's more interesting is how quickly the whole religious project broke down and evolved into something completely different.

Essentially, New England became a bunch of little religious communes that were all tax-funded, which is even more the case because the Congregationalist Church was a "gathered church" where the full members of the Church (who were the only people allowed to vote on matters involving the church, and were the only ones who were allowed to be given baptism and Communion, which had all kinds of knock-on effects on important social practices like marriages and burials) and were made up of people who had experienced a conversion where they can gained an assurance of salvation that they were definitely of the Elect. You became a full member by publicly sharing your story of conversion (which had a certain cultural schema of steps that were supposed to be followed) and having the other full members accept it as genuine.

This is a system that works really well to bind together a bunch of people living in a commune in the wilderness into a tight-knit community, but it broke down almost immediately in the next generation, leading to a crisis called the Half-Way Covenant.

The problem was that the second generation of Puritans - all men and women who had been baptized and raised in the Congrgeationalist Church - weren't becoming converted. Either they never had the religious awakening that their parents had had, or their narratives weren't accepted as genuine by the first generation of commune members. This meant that they couldn't hold church office or vote, and more crucially it meant that they couldn't receive the sacrament or have their own children baptized.

This seemed to suggest that, within a generation, the Congregationalist Church would essentially define itself into non-existence and between the 1640s and 1650s leading ministers recommended that each congregation (which was supposed to decide on policy questions on a local basis, remember) adopt a policy whereby the children of baptized but unconverted members could be baptized as long as they did a ceremony where they affirmed the church covenant. This proved hugely controversial and ministers and laypeople alike started publishing pamphlets, and voting in opposing directions, and un-electing ministers who decided in the wrong direction, and ultimately it kind of broke the authority of the Congregationalist Church and led to its eventual dis-establishment.

The Puritans are the Reason America is So Evangelical:

This is another area where there's a grain of truth, but ultimately the real history is way more complicated.

Almost immediately from the founding of the colony, the Puritans begin to undergo mutation from their European counterparts - to begin with, while English Puritans were Calvinists and thus believed in a Presbyterian form of church government (indeed, a faction of Puritans during the English Civil War would attempt to impose a Presbyterian Church on England.), New England Puritans almost immediately adopted a congregationalist system where each town's faithful would sign a local religious constitution, elect their own ministers, and decide on local governance issues at town meetings.

Essentially, New England became a bunch of little religious communes that were all tax-funded, which is even more the case because the Congregationalist Church was a "gathered church" where the full members of the Church (who were the only people allowed to vote on matters involving the church, and were the only ones who were allowed to be given baptism and Communion, which had all kinds of knock-on effects on important social practices like marriages and burials) and were made up of people who had experienced a conversion where they can gained an assurance of salvation that they were definitely of the Elect. You became a full member by publicly sharing your story of conversion (which had a certain cultural schema of steps that were supposed to be followed) and having the other full members accept it as genuine.

This is a system that works really well to bind together a bunch of people living in a commune in the wilderness into a tight-knit community, but it broke down almost immediately in the next generation, leading to a crisis called the Half-Way Covenant.

The problem was that the second generation of Puritans - all men and women who had been baptized and raised in the Congrgeationalist Church - weren't becoming converted. Either they never had the religious awakening that their parents had had, or their narratives weren't accepted as genuine by the first generation of commune members. This meant that they couldn't hold church office or vote, and more crucially it meant that they couldn't receive the sacrament or have their own children baptized.

This seemed to suggest that, within a generation, the Congregationalist Church would essentially define itself into non-existence and between the 1640s and 1650s leading ministers recommended that each congregation (which was supposed to decide on policy questions on a local basis, remember) adopt a policy whereby the children of baptized but unconverted members could be baptized as long as they did a ceremony where they affirmed the church covenant. This proved hugely controversial and ministers and laypeople alike started publishing pamphlets, and voting in opposing directions, and un-electing ministers who decided in the wrong direction, and accusing one another of being witches. (More on that in a bit.)

And then the Great Awakening - which to be fair, was a major evangelical effort by the Puritan Congregationalist Church, so it's not like there's no link between evangelical - which was supposed to promote Congregational piety ended up dividing the Church and pretty soon the Congregationalist Church is dis-established and it's safe to be a Quaker or even a Catholic on the streets of Boston.

But here's the thing - if we look at which denominations in the United States can draw a direct line from themselves to the Congregationalist Church of the Puritans, it's the modern Congregationalists who are entirely mainstream Protestants whose churches are pretty solidly liberal in their politics, the United Church of Christ which is extremely cultural liberal, and it's the Unitarian Universalists who are practically issued DSA memberships. (I say this with love as a fellow comrade.)

By contrast, modern evangelical Christianity (although there's a complicated distinction between evangelical and fundamentalist that I don't have time to get into) in the United States is made up of an entirely different set of denominations - here, we're talking Baptists, Pentacostalists, Methodists, non-denominational churches, and sometimes Presbyterians.

The Puritans Were Dour Killjoys Who Hated Sex:

This one owes a lot to Nathaniel Hawthorne's Scarlet Letter.

The reality is actually the opposite - for their time, the Puritans were a bunch of weird hippies. At a time when most major religious institutions tended to emphasize the sinful nature of sex and Catholicism in particular tended to emphasize the moral superiority of virginity, the Puritans stressed that sexual pleasure was a gift from God, that married couples had an obligation to not just have children but to get each other off, and both men and women could be taken to court and fined for failing to fulfill their maritial obligations.

The Puritans also didn't have much of a problem with pre-marital sex. As long as there was an absolute agreement that you were going to get married if and when someone ended up pregnant, Puritan elders were perfectly happy to let young people be young people. Indeed, despite the objection of Jonathan Edwards and others there was an (oddly similar to modern Scandinavian customs) old New England custom of "bundling," whereby a young couple would be put into bed together by their parents with a sack or bundle tied between them as a putative modesty shield, but where everyone involved knew that the young couple would remove the bundle as soon as the lights were turned out.

One of my favorite little social circumlocutions is that there was a custom of pretending that a child clearly born out of wedlock was actually just born prematurely to a bride who was clearly nine months along, leading to a rash of surprisingly large and healthy premature births being recorded in the diary of Puritan midwife Martha Ballard. Historians have even applied statistical modeling to show that about 30-40% of births in colonial America were pre-mature.

But what about non-sexual dourness? Well, here we have to understand that, while they were concerned about public morality, the Puritans were simultaneously very strict when it came to matters of religion and otherwise normal people who liked having fun. So if you go down the long list of things that Puritans banned that has landed them with a reputation as a bunch of killjoys, they usually hide some sort of religious motivation.

So for example, let's take the Puritan iconoclastic tendency to smash stained glass windows, whitewash church walls, and smash church organs during the English Civil War - all of these things have to do with a rejection of Catholicism, and in the case of church organs a belief that the only kind of music that should be allowed in church is the congregation singing psalms as an expression of social equality. At the same time, Puritans enjoyed art in a secular context and often had portraits of themselves made and paintings hung on their walls, and they owned musical instruments in their homes.

What about the wearing nothing but black clothing? See, in our time wearing nothing but black is considered rather staid (or Goth), but in the Early Modern period the dyes that were needed to produce pure black cloth were incredibly expensive - so wearing all black was a sign of status and wealth, hence why the Hapsburgs started emphasizing wearing all-black in the same period. However, your ordinary Puritan couldn't afford an all-black attire and would have worn quite colorful (but much cheaper) browns and blues and greens.

What about booze and gambling and sports and the theater and other sinful pursuits? Well, the Puritans were mostly ok with booze - every New England village had its tavern - but they did regulate how much they could serve, again because they were worried that drunkenness would lead to blasphemy. Likewise, the Puritans were mostly ok with gambling, and they didn't mind people playing sports - except that they went absolutely beserk about drinking, gambling, and sports if they happened on the Sabbath because the Puritans really cared about the Sabbath and Charles I had a habit of poking them about that issue. They were against the theater because of its association with prostitution and cross-dressing, though, I can't deny that. On the other hand, the Puritans were also morally opposed to bloodsports like bear-baiting, cock-fighting, and bare-knuckle boxing because of the violence it did to God's creatures, which I guess makes them some of the first animal rights activsts?

They Banned Christmas:

Again, this comes down to a religious thing, not a hatred of presents and trees - keep in mind that the whole presents-and-trees paradigm of Christmas didn't really exist until the 19th century and Dickens' Christmas Carol, so what we're really talking about here is a conflict over religious holidays - so what people were complaining about was not going to church an extra day in the year. I don't get it, personally.

See, the thing is that Puritans were known for being extremely close Bible readers, and one of the things that you discover almost immediately if you even cursorily read the New Testament is that Christ was clearly not born on December 25th. Which meant that the whole December 25th thing was a false religious holiday, which is why they banned it.

The Puritans Were Democrats:

One thing that I don't think Puritans get enough credit for is that, at a time when pretty much the whole of European society was some form of monarchist, the Puritans were some of the few people out there who really committed themselves to democratic principles.

As I've already said, this process starts when John Liliburne, an activist and pamphleteer who promoted the concept of universal human rights (what he called "freeborn rights"), took up the anti-Laudian cause and it continued through the mobilization of large numbers of Puritans to campaign for election to the Long Parliament.

There, not only did the Puritans vote to revenge themselves on their old enemy William Laud, but they also took part in a gradual process of Parliamentary radicalization, starting with the impeachment of Strafford as the architect of arbitrary rule, the passage of the Triennal Acts, the re-statement that non-Parliamentary taxation was illegal, the Grand Remonstrance, and the Militia Ordinance.

Then over the course of the war, Puritans served with distinction in the Parliamentary army, especially and disproportionately in the New Model Army where they beat the living hell out of the aristocratic armies of Charles I, while defying both the expectations and active interference of the House of Lords.

At this point, I should mention that during this period the Puritans divided into two main factions - Presbyterians, who developed a close political and religious alliance with the Scottish Covenanters who had secured the Presbyterian Church in Scotland during the Bishops' Wars and who were quite interested in extending an established Presbyterian Church; and Independents, who advocated local congregationalism (sound familiar) and opposed the concept of established churches.

Finally, we have the coming together of the Independents of the New Model Army and the Leveller movement - during the war, John Liliburne had served with bravery and distinction at Edgehill and Marston Moore, and personally capturing Tickhill Castle without firing a shot. His fellow Leveller Thomas Rainsborough proved a decisive cavalry commander at Naseby, Leicester, the Western Campaign, and Langport, a gifted siege commander at Bridgwater, Bristol, Berkeley Castle, Oxford, and Worcester. Thus, when it came time to hold the Putney Debates, the Independent/Leveller bloc had both credibility within the New Model Army and the only political program out there. Their proposal:

redistricting of Parliament on the basis of equal population; i.e one man, one vote.

the election of a Parliament every two years.

freedom of conscience.

equality under the law.

In the context of the 17th century, this was dangerously radical stuff and it prompted Cromwell and Fairfax into paroxyms of fear that the propertied were in danger of being swamped by democratic enthusiasm - leading to the imprisonment of Lilburne and the other Leveller leaders and ultimately the violent suppression of the Leveller rank-and-file.

As for Cromwell, well - even the Quakers produced Richard Nixon.

[azucar-skull]

Shedding some light on my situation:

Yesterday, I opened up emergency commissions out of the blue with a very brief explanation on the current crisis at home. As promised, here are some more details on the situation.

Last Thanksgiving, I got disowned by half of my family on my mother's side after I exposed my abusers for what they are. Ever since I got home, it's one thing after another.

Recovery (physically from injuries too), chronic illness diagnosis, Grandpa having a hospital emergency (where I had to clean up his blood), Green Eyed Mask going on hiatus due to stress, finally finishing GEM...then my dad broke the TV.

It was so unlike him to be shouting at my mom for no reason, in my gut, I knew there was a bigger picture.

Dad getting upset, my aunts and uncles coming to visit more often, telling everyone to not say "Happy birthday" to Grandpa because he's too far gone, my abuela bringing out Grandpa's antiques from his time in military.

Last week, I was let out of class early and arrived home to everyone huddled in the kitchen with paperwork. While no one was looking, I saw that the paperwork was for Grandpa's will.

My grandpa is now 88 years old, the youngest sibling in his immediate family. His older brothers and father died at war, his sister and mother of old age. It was a given that this year is his last, he'll be lucky if he makes it to July.

A long anticipated death causes stress on the entire family. I've noticed that my body is out of balance, sobbing at random intervals all day even if I'm feeling fine. It's messing up my sleep, appetite, even my fucking periods which were already a bitch in the first place.

I avoided telling you guys because art is what kept me going. I would hide in my room and draw all day, the rest of the world fading. That's all I do now, hide.

But everyone else in my family is suffering too. My dad broke the TV 2 months ago and home is falling apart by the day. My brother opted to stealing food from the grocery store and living off of chicken tenders and fries from the deli. Mom is never seen, absorbed in her own work as much as I am. The house is a mess, the fridge is empty, bills piling up, riding pay check to paycheck.

It's not that we are poor or losing financial stability (I think), if we were I could turn to my community college for help but I'm not eligible. It's the fact that everyone is so down and busy that we forget the basics like food, long overdue haircuts, doctor appointments, taking care of the dogs, etc.

It's an "every man for themselves" kind of situation. And as a disabled person, I'm unable to work a stable job. So that's why I opened commissions. Money that I can hold of my own should there be a situation like now where I had to buy food the second I got my first order.

But this also means I am going to be more busy taking care of myself and my family. Comic production will be delayed a bit, and I unfortunately can't say for sure if Feral Casey AU will be ready by the end of May.

All I ask is for your support and patience. Reblogging my commission post helps a lot more than you think. And thank you again for everything.

Commission Post

[camp-queer-and-there]

lucille my old hag can you hit that

THIS SHIT LACED😭 im forreal a freak just lmk👀👅 ohio skibidi toilet oi oi oi😏 maxdesignpro WHAT!? HELP ME! HELP = 👍 fetus sebastian hes so ugly i cant would you rather have 1 million dollars or CANCER! art is lowkey so amazingly beautiful...gigachad sigma LET HIMM COOK!🗣️🗣️ uwu >_< anyone got anyone spongebob x reader👀 only in eastern latvia💀 ohio final boss grimace shake charlie the steak ishowspeed kai cenat the amazing digital circus pomni garten of banban caseoh gyatt super mogger looksmaxxing based and redpilled diabolical lick😈erm what the sigma oh! thats not!- getting my top surgery done at claires POV: youre ben shapiros mom and hes convincing to let him get gta5 i feel like calling you a slur.. what type of gay are you, since you dont have it in your bio... the european mind cannot comprehend this drew phillips: hello im drew phillips the ahh magic i finna be in the pit on cap. 123°!? gurrrll we are not thanksgiving turkeys😂and thats on period fahrenheit lankybox elisocray INSANE UNBOXING! gegagedigedagedago we can go gyatt for gyatt fuck that we can go rizz for rizz 19 bucks for the fortnite card double pump with the fanum tax THE BIG APPLE! drake vs kendrick beef p diddy dr disrespect annoying orange if garlic was a person my name is drake and im here to say.. kendrick lamar your disses arent okay! diss me diss me now you gotta kiss me quandale dingle mf doom dookie baby girl my pookie wubbleshmubble kins whats hurts more than being yelled at be skinned alive probably pov: i am your cashier during february (and i notice you are black) you look like tyler the creator if he was in my dreams ray william johnson sybrian dancing lady oh when the saints go marching in oh when the saints go marching in todoroki gives birth alone jumbo josh is lost in the zumb sauce lightskin touch the moon bozo cant im walking my fish why are frogs so stupid show me your griddy show me your griddy.... show me your... DOHHH THATS ONE WAY TO HIT THE GRIDDY. THATS ONE WAY TO HIT THE GRIDDY grwm to go to bath and body works temu workers getting ready to clock in day in the life of a twitch streamer your final challenge.. let yo bih go through your phone!... AH HELL NAW YO ASS TWEAKIN JIGSAW quavo stop thats the gayest shit ever amoeba sisters angst preppycon 2024 kart ride into spongebob youve been here before.. a weirdcore dreamcore kidcore clowncore playlist. my talking tom her body tea is insane😭 my aura is unmatched DO NOT PLAY CREEPY BATH GAME AT 3AM!!!!!!!! *THIS IS WHY* ALMOST DROWNED school isnt done but i am💀 omg u did call me baby.. maybe ..omg did he call her baby.. maybe.. im not okay..... bark for me. pov family dinner😭💀why u so pissed ...what me when i get mustard for christmas yall when i put on my dad fit "FREAKYbob" I AINT ANSWERING!! HELPP IM DEADDDD wait no im not maya winky boyfriend takes you out to eat but his opps slide on him [boyfriend asmr] mrbeast might ne TOO BIG to he cancelled squid games i hope someone dies and goes to hell today me staring at the sephora employee in the eye as i "sample" a $800 perfume cats when you cover their cage with a blanket blud thinks hes the main character💀 omg a rare gyatt sighting ninja fortnite sneako the ocky way new yorkian vermontian how 10 yr old me felt after putting "i dont speak tags" in an argument holy fricking smokes dude.. my cut is insane... shout out to my barber dawg! bro thinks hes the thinker waterless baked water what i would wear to my isis execution why did my dog just punch me😓 #STOPBULLYING💯

i mean.. i kind of ocd😁 you mean OBESity stop doing the golden freddy pose youre scaring the kids when a client wants to trauma dump first session when i dont have enough diamonds on episode so now i gotta shit in the school hallway in front of my crush phone and youtube video lobster activity someone shot trump in the ear he wouldnt have missed goku drip well my mother always said the best flowers get picked first dudes been waiting for his mcflurry since 1786 ladies ladies one at a time please😍 rio de janeiro the oppblock hazbin hotel boy rejoice creepy autism simulator my scary silent hill whos ivan mac n cheeks freak island home sweet home.. blud always looking at sum😭😭😭when face id acting up so you gotta LOCK IN fuck im washed WAIT IM GOATED why the mob isnt a fucking aesthetic: a thread this where the magic happens👅 style griddy👀

what

- ⌛

[walkawaytall]

bring back the turkey, you cowards

Weird thing none of you know about me: from about 2015(?) until about 2019 or so, I had a very specific and weird obsession: Lisa Frank's social media presence (and, to a lesser degree, Lisa Frank's collaboration deals clearly made in an attempt at making a comeback).

Now, I will go ahead and correct a commonly held misconception amongst the people who followed me on Facebook at the time: I was not obsessed with Lisa Frank the person (as mysterious as she attempts to be, I think I have her mostly figured out), Lisa Frank the manufacturer of my favorite childhood school supplies, or even Lisa Frank the company as it stands today (though this Jezebel article, Inside the Rainbow Gulag: The Technicolor Rise and Fall of Lisa Frank, is wild and I think everyone should read it; it may not hold true today since they've had so much change and turnover, but it's still fascinating). My obsession was primarily focused on Lisa Frank's social media presence. And that's because Lisa Frank's social media presence was batshit insane.

Keep in mind, when I first started following them on social media, they were not banking on Millennial nostalgia. They were still primarily selling school supplies. The adult coloring book (not adult like smutty; adult like...those therapy coloring books that were so popular ten years ago?) sold by way of an exclusivity agreement with Dollar General hadn't been announced yet, nor had workout gear or the SpongeBob collab (sold only at HotTopic). As far as anyone knew, Lisa Frank was still that rainbow school supply company whose target audience is nine-year-old girls.

Which is why all of the housemade "memes" were absolutely bonkers.

This is peak Middle-Aged Mom Humor, so why is it being presented to me by the company making pencils and folders for elementary schoolers?

Glad to know we are encouraging fourth graders to day drink.

This one isn't actually aimed at any particular age group; I just find it funny that captains of pirate ships are inherently pirates, so I don't know what this is supposed to mean.

He won't. He will not fly. He is a flightless bird. This is a terrible lesson and you are a homicidal mother penguin. (Also using slightly altered lines from poems without attribution is theft, but whatever.)

And the image that started my obsession:

This...isn't a joke??? What is this???

I don't know who was behind these posts, but considering how small the company was at that point, I always suspected that Lisa herself was recycling old artwork with the help of an intern or something and creating the social media posts...because it just sort of seemed like that's what was happening? I have no proof of this; it was just a vibe I got.

But, during that period of time, even though the posts were inscrutable and sometime just straight-up Minion Humor, they were at least interesting.

Well, I mean, sometimes they were interesting because they were like acid to the eyes.

Okay, and sometimes they were interesting but also sported questionable messaging about one's relationship with food and exercise.

Anyway, I digress. In 2019, Lisa's son Forrest Green (yes, her sons are named Hunter and Forrest Green) took over the social media presence and it became...very palatable for the masses, I suppose. It was a lot of photo edits of old boy band pictures with Lisa Frank designs superimposed on tshirts -- it was very nostalgia-driven and very much directed at Millennials and thus I lost interest, because if there's anything I hate, it's being the target demographic for a sales pitch.

Anyway, my point is that for several years in a row, Lisa Frank would post the same holiday-themed images, so I got used to seeing a certain Thanksgiving design that is, and I cannot prepare you enough, one of the most chaotic and hideous things you'll ever lay your eyes on. But it was tradition. They posted it like three years in a row, and then as soon as Forrest took over, this design was never posted again. And all I have to say on this Thanksgiving week of 2023 is: bring back the turkey, you cowards.

[sunflowerhae]

I bet on losing dogs

Lee Haechan was born on June 6th, 2000. Making him exactly 3 months and 4 days younger than me. He is a Gemini. I used to tell him that this made him two faced, and he argued that it just made him more adaptable to different people, I couldn’t really fight him on it.

Lee Haechan was my first kiss, when we were 11 years old. He and I have been destined to be friends ever since the summer of 1994, when our moms were put together in their first college dorm. When I came out a girl, and he, a boy, our moms said nothing about it, but both secretly wished the same thing. We never told them about the day at the community pool, when they sent us both to get ice cream at the snack shack, and he had finished his ice cream while I sat, still working on my Popsicle. I told him I didn’t want to share, so he gave me a quick kiss - barely touching lips - and said that was enough to cool him off, before running off and jumping into the water, subsequently getting yelled at by the lifeguard. I sat still in shock until the feeling of my popsicle melting off the stick and falling onto my thigh jolted me.

Lee Haechan finally got the courage to ask me out when we were 16. He asked me to the prom, but I said no when I thought it was a joke. He pushed me, saying he was kidding anyway and I continued eating my lunch. Haechan told me later that he skipped 6th period to cry in the bathroom stalls like a little girl, I told him that he had every right to cry. At the time, when I got home my mom had asked if I was excited. When I asked for what, she explained that haechan’s mom had called to tell her what Haechan planned to do that day. I realized it wasn’t a joke. I ran the 6 blocks to his house and threw pebbles at his window when no one answered the door. I screamed yes when I caught a glimpse of life through the glass. Haechan peaked his head out just as I threw another pebble - it hit his eye, and he had to wear an eyepatch for prom, but I can still see his laugh as we danced, and that’s all that matters.

Lee Haechan made me promise to marry him when we were 18. He told me the day we were both 20, his birthday, he wanted to march down to the courthouse and sign the documents. I told him he was crazy, but indulged for fun and said yes. He got us rustic little rings at the farmers market.

Lee Haechan and I went to dinner on his 20th birthday. By then, I had forgotten about the proposal, and had the ring safety tucked away in a jewelry box. In retrospect, Haechan said it was better I wasn’t wearing a ring on that finger. Halfway through opening his gift from me, he said he wants to give me mine first. I was confused, until he started talking about how we were destined to be together, and he had loved me since he was 6 years old. He gets down on one knee. I don’t hear much of what he says after, I just yell “yes!” And start crying. The present I had gotten him was a watch, and left forgotten.

Lee Haechan married me 5 and 3 quarters of a month later. He was sweating like a turkey on thanksgiving, but I thought he was beautiful. He told me he thought the same about me. We barely ate anything at the wedding, and when I spilt McDonald’s ketchup on my wedding dress from my burger on the drive to our hotel, we both just laughed because we knew I’d never wear that dress again anyway. Our moms faces at the wedding made us laugh even more as we looked at pictures together, Both a blubbering mess, and one of them high-fiving. That made us laugh so much Haechan peed his pants.

At 21, Lee Haechan took me to the Van Gogh Museum for our one year anniversary. We were in awe of everything around us, and it was incredible. 19 minutes and 30 seconds in, Haechan turned me while starry night reflected on my face and the wall. He suddenly dropped on his knee and pulled out the promise ring from 4 years prior. In shock, I asked him what he thought he was doing. He ignored me and gave some half assed affirmations of his love before asking me to marry him. Even though I knew we were already married, I still got butterflies. My face was red enough to see even past the blue of the iconic painting of the night sky, and I just whispered a yes to get him off his knees. He loudly exclaimed that he couldn’t hear me, and it was then that I realized everyone was watching us. I quickly repeated yes louder and louder as he laughed and stood back up, placing the silver ring on top of my beautiful, actual wedding ring. Everyone clapped as we kissed, I smacked his arm. When I asked why the hell he did that, all he said was, “this exhibit is amazing, but I could not go 20 minutes without everyone seeing you and you not being the center of attention, and everyone not seeing how lucky I am.” I just stared at disbelief in him. He laughed and took a picture of my face before holding his arm out for me to take.

Lee Haechan was so many things.

He would intentionally stand behind me in every single line so he could draw words or symbols on my back, and if I didn’t guess them, he would pinch my cheek and call me silly.

He was a self proclaimed dog person. When I finally convinced him to get a cat, he said the cat and him would never be close, and it would just be mine. The cat and him ended up loving each other, and now the cat hates me.

He loved my little sister and she loved him. She was old enough to know married couples love each other, but young enough to ask if they could be married instead of him and me. He always said yes. When I would respond that I couldn’t believe this family betrayal, he would quote my favorite book and movie, Little Women, and respond, “I always knew I would marry into this family, Jo!” And I fell in love with him more every single time. I let my little sister have him for the day, because he is always going to be mine.

Lee Haechan is a lot of things,

He’s a cat owner.

He’s a gemini.

He makes music.

He’s mine.

I’m his.

He’s dead.

At 22, Lee Haechan is dead, and I am alone. I didn’t just lose a husband. I lost my best friend. My soulmate. My everything. The cat hates me, but looks for him around every corner, and lays in his side of the bed - she has gotten more used to me being there. I still feel his fingers on my back, tracing out the words “I love you”, I throw up. I feel his lips graze mine at the community pool, the coldness in my thighs wake me up. I feel his hands on mine at prom, my own hand lifting the eyepatch up as we both laugh. I hear his laughter in every Van Gogh painting I see. My sister asks for him, still too young to understand where her husband went. She asks me this, I tell her I don’t understand where her husband went either. We try to bring him back with our minds, it never works. My mom cradles me as I sob into her arms. His mom tries to reach out for comfort with me, but she has his eyes - I can never make it. I wear his wedding ring, it’s too big but I can’t seem to bring myself to go a day without it. I am 23. He is 22. I am 24. He is 22. I will be 70. He will be 22.

Lee Haechan is so many things. He is fire, he is water. He’s earth, he’s air. He will never be 23. I will always be his.

[julysn]

julia really needs to sleep: late night rants with yours truly

topic: this one gorgeous fanfic that got deleted on thanksgiving and now i haven’t been happy ever since.

time: 2:10 cst

i love ranting about this silly deleted fic

129 days.

a hundred and twenty nine days since that fanfic has been deleted and i couldn’t download a copy before the author did so.

i haven’t smiled since the day before. i haven’t laughed since the day before. i haven’t felt an ounce of joy since the day before.

i woke up on thanksgiving day expecting some good ass turkey but what i got was as if that turkey had expired and mold all over it.

NO SERIOUSLY THAT FANFIC WAS SO GOOD YALL DONT GET ME. it was a sp one and i don’t think i have ANY sp mutuals here?? so.. lemme explain..

it was a kyle broflovski academic rivals to lovers. fake relationship trope. i remember sm of the fic despite not having read it for months??/ i even downloaded a pdf so i could read it on a fight 2 detroit but I DELETED IT AFTERWARD. JULIA WTF.

plot/thingy/intro: so basically stan had to pull y/n into the janitors closet bc y/n was on the cheer team + bsfs with wendy (sp lore: stan and wendy are dating) and he tells her sm about college? FUCK I FOROT IT BUT ANYWAYS

also everyone’s aged up to hs. feel like that’s self explanatory but i am not reading an elementary fic hell no busters

and then craig and tweek (sp lore: they’re dating) walk in and they’re like “… 😦😦” bc one male one female in janitors closet why wouldn’t u think that and craig went “….this is our makeout closet” I LAUGHED SO JARD LMFAO

and so stan uses the excuse that he was confronting y/n about being on a date w kyle broflibskii!!11! omg. and it’s shocking bc everyone knows they’re enemies so craig + tweek believe it.

and since this took place during lunch, and kyle eats lunch in the gymnasium so the two go there and stan explains the mess he dragged them into and he’s like “pwease ☹️ pwease i don’t want wendy to think i cheated on her WITH HER FRIEND!” so yk kyle agrees and they hug and shit

scenes that happened that i remember: OMG. THIRD CHAPYER. y/n was eating in the gym in the bleachers and kyle used her lap as a pillow and they shared a peanut butter and jelly sandwich i loved this scene oh my god it was so cute

also: lore drop: y/n is cartmans cousin. i don’t need to say much to explain anything, if you’ve been on the internet for at least a month you’d know about his character

so after a game since y/n is on the cheer team she goes home and OH NAUR. CARTMAN LOCKED HER OUT FOR DATING KYLE OH NAURRRR. and it’s raining too! so y/n gets all soaked in the rain and kyle finds her so he takes her to his place and she has to shower and wear his clothes and it’s cute

they didn’t sleep in the same bed. NOOOOOO but he slept on the floor and let her take his bed what a gentleman k lived this fic so i loved it with all of my soul and heart pls come back.

dead on arrival by strawbebbyparks u changed my life forever.

ever since i first read that fic, i have been prettier. my hair looks better now, i look better now and i finally have a solid clothing style that suits me. i am feeling much more well.

i have not gotten sick within the time period that the fic was up on tumblr + ao3. but i swear i had a massive cold days after it got deleted. NOOOOOOOOOOO,,LKKK

please it was so good.

i’m manifesting that the author is just rewriting everything and she’ll re upload it w better writing + scenes soon bc I MISS DOA SM IT WAS SO GOOD

i remember having an online friend and in the middle of the night i’d be there and we’d be having a convo on how it was the best kyle x reader and no one could top it. doa was amazing

that fic motivated me into writing again too omg i remember reading it and immediately beginning to wri my own kyle fics

i remember waking up on summer days METICULOUSLY checking my notifications to see if k got an update email. and if i did i would be screaming and giggling and kicking my feet just reading it over and over again

also i’m js exaggerating like i’ve obviously been mourning the fic but i wasn’t THAT sad 😭😭

[goldeneyedgirl]

TwiFicmas23 Day 10: Hybrid AU

Good evening! I had my first drink in a hot minute tonight and it has hit me like a battering ram, so we're doing this fast because I am definitely feeling the effects.

Tonight's is some old Hybrid; it'll be pretty obvious why this ended up being archived (and I honestly don't know if this counts as Hybrid or Hybrid baby-verse).

Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoy it!

tw: mention of miscarriage

After the Cullens left, I was kind of at a loss. I know they hoped Bella and I would stick together, but that didn’t happen. 

Simon and Dad were sympathetic and let me mope around the house a bit. But I was exhausted. I was sleeping sixteen hours a day when I had the opportunity and still felt like I had pulled an all-nighter. My schoolwork was fairly average but enough that no one called Dad. I managed to scrape enough energy together to help plan Cynthia’s fifteenth birthday party, and then Thanksgiving. 

It was Christmas Day when I figured out what was wrong with me. I was exhausted all the time, and eating ridiculous amounts of food but still looked like a prisoner of war. I got out of bed and went into the bathroom, getting on the scales to find out that I’d lost another two pounds. Simon would notice soon, and I had no idea what to tell him. 

And then I spied Cynthia’s box of tampons on the shelf, and I had to brace myself on the counter for a moment. My period was a rare and unwelcome visitor, and hardly a trustworthy indicator of anything but... it made sense.

//

“Oh, Alice, honey, this arrived for you a couple of days ago,” Simon said, plucking a small box from under the tree. It was still in its mailing box, with my name and address typed on the label but no return address or indication of who it was from.

Inside was a small black jewelry box, and for a second, I thought perhaps Jasper had sent me something. I hoped he’d sent me something.  Even just a letter would have fixed everything.

I ripped into it, and the contents spilled into my lap, and it took me a moment to understand what I was looking at. It was a silver sun charm on a black ribbon, with smaller stars dotted along the band, though one was missing. 

It had been my mother’s. I remembered her wearing it; she'd never taken it off. I could see the stain of blood on the ribbon, the frayed edge where the knife bit into her, and for a moment, the room swam.

“Who is it from?” Dad asked curiously. 

I put the necklace down with shaking hands, trying hard to act normal, and plucked the card up. It was black too, with a white crest – the shield, candle, and compass of the Benoits, the Latin motto running along the bottom – Ex Deus Veritas. Truth in God, coined by the Order. 

On the back of the card, the message was short. 

Our best wishes of the season to you and your family, Mary-Alice. 

Meaning: we know where you and your family are. 

//

The bag I packed was like so many others. Basic, warm clothing; my first aid kit, a new phone I had bought in Port Angeles, money. I had ordered a ton of gift cards over the internet, since they weren’t traceable. Nothing sentimental was meant to come with me, but in the end, I saved a photograph of Jasper and I to my new phone.

And then I left Forks. 

//

it sounds all fun and luxurious to say I ran off to Hawaii. 

The truth was, Mexico would have been way better but with the vampire and Order problem down there, I chose the one place in America you are least likely to get cornered by a vampire: Hawaii. 

Specifically Paukaa, which was home to less than 600 people. I was nothing more than another post-high school traveler who decided to stay. I rented a tiny one-room place from a family and got a job at a café. It was quiet and safe and I settled into a mind-numbing existence. 

I hadn’t contacted anyone back in Forks or even checked my email. As far as everyone was concerned, Mary-Alice Brandon had disappeared for the last time – I half-hoped they’d declare me dead.

I was Mary Hale here. 

It was a little embarrassing, yes, taking Jasper’s fake surname, but it kept me hidden because I doubted anyone would think to run a search on that name. And none of the Cullens called me ‘Mary’ anyway. 

It had been a few months. The hardest. When the test came back positive, I had tried to find the Denali clan in Alaska, to pass on a message to the Cullens. To find help. 

I got close - so close. I made it to Anchorage after almost two weeks of traveling; I didn't have a lot of money, I didn't want my fake I.D. questioned too much, and I was terrified I was being followed and kept double-backing and waiting to throw any stalkers off my trail. I was pretty sick by then, but I was certain I would make it. Hell, I'd broken into the Cullens' before I'd left and found a map in Carlisle's study that had helped me narrow down the Denali home a lot. 

Then I woke up in the Anchorage ER with the news I’d collapsed on the street and miscarried. 

I didn’t know what to do with that information.

I probably should have gone home to Forks and my Dad and pretended it had never happened. Or actually tracked down the Denali clan and demanded they get me in contact with the Cullens anyway. But the Benoits knew where my family was, and I just couldn’t. I didn’t want to see anyone I knew before ever again. I didn’t want to look them in the eyes and have to explain everything. I didn’t want to be Alice Brandon anymore. 

So I didn’t. As soon as they released me from the hospital, I bought the first plane ticket to Hawaii. Actually, it was the next scheduled flight. They could have flown me to the moon, and I didn’t care. 

That had been in January. It was now August, and it seemed surreal to me now. It felt like a movie I’d watched. Sad, but distant. It was easier to pretend it had happened to someone else, and just focus on each day. I had enough problems to deal with - I still hadn't managed to gain back any weight, probably because I was a shitty cook living on a diet of orange juice and minute-ramen; I barely made enough to cover my cost of living and had no particular way of getting a better job; and I barely slept, plagued with nightmares.

And now I was dreaming again, the truth had slammed into my head. Bella was in so much danger. Victoria was coming for her with a newborn army, and the Cullens were long gone.

I couldn't stay away and let Bella die - let that newborn army descend upon Forks without warning.

If nothing else, I had to protect Bella. And my family. Worst-case scenario, I could trade myself for the safety of others. I could try and take Victoria, though she would most likely win, especially when I was so weak and out of shape. Death sounded very peaceful.

Maybe I’d see my baby there. And Mom. 

I didn’t tell anyone I was coming home. I told the café I had a ‘sick family member’, and I didn’t know if I’d be back. I gave the same story to the family I rented my place from. And then I packed up, bought the cheapest airline ticket I could get, and went home again. 

When I slept on the plane, I realized the Cullens had come back to Forks. Bella was better protected than I anticipated, but they still didn’t know what was coming for them. Not to mention the danger that Simon, Dad, and Cynthia were in.

//

I didn’t look like much. My hair was shorter than I had ever worn it, and I was the thinnest I had ever been - that was including the years I spent in the hospital and on the street. Dark circles had set up residence underneath my eyes.  I was wearing the only pair of jeans that I fitted me, and they were wearing thin. My sweater had shrunk, leaving a bare panel of skin between my waistband and the frayed hemline. And my sneakers were held together with hope and super glue. 

Rather than go home and deal with Simon and Dad, I went straight to the Cullens. 

It was Esme who opened the door, blinked and gasped, pulling me into a hug I couldn’t return. 

“Oh, Alice, where have you been?” Esme pulled away, smoothing my hair back from my face. “We’ve all be so worried! Come in, Jasper is going to be over the moon to see you.”

I managed a quivering smile as Esme drew me into the house, into the living room where everyone was gathered, everyone’s eyes on me.

“Alice…” Jasper went from standing in the corner to at my side, pulling me into his arms, my body stiff as I reluctantly curled against him, breathing in his scent of forest and books and something indistinguishably him. “Darlin’, where have you been?”

I just shook my head. If I spoke, I’d start crying and I’d never stop. When Jasper pulled away, he must have seen that in my face and reached up to cradle my cheek. “Are you alright?” he murmured and I let out a shuddering breath.

“You’re in danger,” I managed, pulling away from Jasper reluctantly. “Victoria is returning, she’s in the area and she has her eye on Bella. And the Benoits are coming – to destroy you, the Quiluetes, and my family.”

An hour later, Esme had put a plate of food in front of me, looking worried. I was eating, my stomach twisting at the invasion of food that wasn't bought at a convenience store.

The pasta was good, but I couldn’t enjoy it. 

//

Dad and Simon had been so grateful that I was home, there were no questions or accusations. Just more food, a shower, and bed. Simon had checked on me half a dozen times, looking so worried. 

I slept badly, shallowly, my dreams twisted around the baby, the hospital. Terror and pain that I didn’t know were memories or imagined suffering. I dreamt of blood and misery, and woke up screaming twice – the first time, I wasn’t even awake when Dad came in to try and sooth me; I woke up with him half-rocking me, smoothing my hair back and trying to calm my sobs and screams. 

“It’s going to be okay, sweetheart,” he murmured. 

“I wish I had died,” I sobbed, half-asleep.

“Oh, honey, don’t ever say that,” Dad said. 

He managed to get me back to sleep, my hair sticking to my clammy face, before I woke up screaming again, and Simon managed to get me to take something, leaving me in a soupy state that at least kept me quiet so everyone else could sleep. 

I didn’t stir again til nearly dawn, my dreams blood-splattered and full of desperation. The drugs left me boneless and vulnerable, and when I finally opened my eyes, I couldn’t scream or call for help or do anything but lie there, staring at the ceiling. My hand lay on the pillow beside me, but I stared at it as if it wasn’t even mine. 

I ended up dozing a little; clearly enough that my visions kicked in – I could see Carlisle, Esme, and Jasper arriving at the house, Dad and Simon looking grim. Well, Dad looked miserable and old. Simon had this professional nurse ‘this is bad’ face on. 

“How is she?” Carlisle asked, after they were invited in.

“Broken,” Dad murmured, looking worn out and distressed. 

“Screaming night terrors,” Simon clarified, putting his arms around my father’s shoulders. “I ended up giving her some Valium – we’d get her back to sleep, and minutes later, the screaming would start again.”

“You drugged her?” Jasper demanded, a dangerous look in his eyes. 

“We didn’t have a choice. It was Valium or I called 911,” Simon said gently. “I couldn’t treat someone for trauma in my own house at midnight. Hell, I couldn’t treat someone for trauma without a doctor present. The Valium prescription was one of Alice’s when she arrived. And she needed sleep.”

“She kept telling us she wished she had died,” Dad added. “Over and over again. It’s all she would say.”

Esme and Carlisle looked shaken, but Jasper had just shut down entirely. 

//

I managed to drag myself out of bed, and into the shower, but eschewed clothing for a clean pair of pajama bottoms and tee, running my fingers through my hair. It needed to be washed.

My chest felt tight as I sat down in front of the food Simon had made for me. Simon was still cooking, with Dad, Carlisle, Esme, and Jasper gathered around the island with me.

I felt hollow and exhausted as I considered the plate of fruit and yogurt, along with two slices of toast. I managed a small bite and felt the cool cloud of Jasper’s gift seeping into myself, not bothering to resist. 

“Where have you been, Alice?” Dad asked gently.

I flinched, and then rearranged my expression again, poking some melon with my fork. “Away,” I said softly. “Somewhere safe.”

“You weren’t safe here?” Simon asked. 

I brought another bite of food to my mouth to avoid answering the question; I didn’t want to say it, but they were all watching me. 

“Not anymore. Not after Christmas,” I mumbled into my fruit. 

Finally, I gave up. I got up and left the table, padding up to my bedroom, where my backpack was. The folded piece of paper was filthy and crumpled, but still legible, thankfully. 

No one was expecting me to return to the kitchen, clearly. I slid the folded paper across to Simon and Carlisle. 

Jasper would be disgusted with me. That I’d only gotten sick because he’d left me and I had been trying to find them when they didn’t want to be found. I always knew I was twisted up and ruined inside, thanks to Mommy Dearest, but this was the proof. I had had an opportunity to give Jasper the one impossible thing, and I had fucking failed. 

I missed him, I needed him. He was my other half, the lost fragment. And in two short steps, I was curled in his rather startled arms, my face half-buried in his shirt.

It took Simon and Carlisle only a moment to decipher the medical shorthand, and Simon looked up at me in horror. Carlisle just looked so sad. I let out a shuddering breath, breathing in Jasper’s scent, and waited. 

“Oh, kiddo,” Simon said, looking heartbroken. “Alice, why didn’t you tell us?”

“What?” Dad said, squinting at the paper. 

“Alice, have you seen a doctor since?” Carlisle asked kindly. I shook my head. 

“Okay, you need to be checked out, as soon as possible,” he said.

//

I didn’t have any energy left, and went back upstairs. It felt like cheating, to have Carlisle and Simon to tell everyone, to do my dirty work. But the idea of voicing those thoughts, those words, made my stomach twist tightly. 

My bed was cool and smelt like home. It was good to be here, to be back. That was what I was telling myself.

[dibbs-n-scribbs]

What's your all-time favorite Bob's Burgers episode? Like this is YOUR episode? (You can list multiple if you want!)

Babs you don't know how loaded that question is, I genuinely cant choose just one. I really have to rewatch past episodes as well as catch up on the newer seasons that I've missed cause its definitely been a hot minute since i watched an episode.

Some of my favorites have to be (in no particular order):

Glued, Where's My Bob? - I mean HELLO??? Definitely one of the most memorable eps. The music i think is what gets me, Bad Things Happen in the Bathroom will always be a banger

The Quirkducers - Any Thanksgiving ep is a good ep, but when I think back to this one, its definitely means a lot to me emotionally. Seeing a girl feel like she doesn't fit in & long to be like all the other 'turkeys', facing self image issues in many diff ways really got to me, cause I saw myself in her in those moments especially. For her to then sing about gaining confidence and having 'the guts' to be herself made me shed so many tears. not to mention that song being top 5 best Bobs Burgers songs, its so good.

Tina-rannosauras Wrecks - The car scene is one of my favorite bits they've done, period. It made my dad crack up (which is extremely hard to do), and I love the "show me your everything is ok face" scene. My family always says that I'm Tina, and eps like this are always used as an example lol. Perfection.

Gayle Makin' Bob Sled - Don't remember this one that much but its one we used to play repeatedly on Thanksgiving, so it means a lot nostalgia-wise.

Easy Com-mercial, Easy Go-mercial - This ep will always hold a special place in my heart cause it was the very first full episode my family & I ever watched of Bob's Burgers on tv (our 1st ever experience with the show being the last 2 minutes of the "Speakeasy Rider" ep on tv). It was so funny and quotable with the "Come meet our family, and let us 'meat' you" & "Super-bowel" bits. It was our first true exposure to the show, and ever since then we've been hooked and stream it every now and then. Definitely one of my top 10 if I ever make a true ranking one day.

Wharf Horse pt 1 &/or 2 - decided to add this one cause I honestly love any ep with Calvin in it, but i also found Felix in this super funny as well. My fave bits probably have to be when Felix is trying to create a distraction with his robot-leg-thing bit and when he screams "WHAT" when Calvin says he's never selling the Wharf (the rage is so visceral and comedic its insane, I think about that bit way too often). AND THE END CREDITS SCENE AND MUSIC IS SO BADASS LIKE IT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE IM ASCENDING EVERY TIME I THINK ABOUT IT

and like so many others I can't even think of rn

Hope this suffices! Thanks a bunch Babs!

[ltwharfy]

"Bob's Burgers" Season 4 Episode Ranking Rewatch (Long Post)

So, I've been rewatching "Bob's Burgers" from the beginning and ranking the episodes using the spreadsheet that @babsvibes created! If you want to know why I'm doing this or how I view the 1-5 rating scale, you can check out my Season 1 post! If you want to check out any of the other seasons, I've been using the "bob's burgers episode ranking rewatch" tag for all of them.

Now, on to Season 4:

Average (Mean) Score: 4.59

Mode (Most Common) Ranking: 5

Ranking Breakdown: 13 5s; 9 4s

Season as a whole thoughts:

I'm genuinely wondering if Season 4 might end up being the highest rated season when this project is all said and done. And that's interesting because it is not a season I immediately think of when I think of a season with a lot of my favorite episodes- I think of 3 and 7 first. But Season 4 is just so consistently entertaining! As I got towards the end of it, I noticed that I had not given any of the episodes a 3 yet- but looking it over again, that checks out. I'd really be happy to watch any of these episodes any time I am in the mood for "Bob's Burgers"- there isn't a "meh" or a mixed review in the bunch. And since I have already rated episodes from later seasons when I've caught them on cable, am pretty certain that this might be the only season with no 3s or lower in it.

But honestly, one of the things that really makes "Bob's Burgers" standout among TV comedies for me- and one of the things that motivated me to do this rewatch- is that I think it has been really consistently good for a really long period of time. And if Season 4 was the most really consistently good season- well, then, maybe it makes sense for it to be my (mathematically calculated) favorite! (But we've still got a lot of seasons to go...)

Some thoughts on specific episodes (and feel free to ask if you want my thoughts on an episode I didn't comment on):

"My Big Fat Greek Bob": One of the "sleeper hits" of the season- I had forgotten how much fun it was! Bob's bond with the frat guys, the kids exploring the frat house, Linda and Gretchen's "lady goods" parties- it's all a hoot! And one of the pleasures of doing this rewatch has been realizing how much I enjoy many recurring BB characters- not in a "they are my new Blorbo I must create a billion head canons about them!" way but just in a "hey, it's nice to see you in this episode!" way. So, hey, Dr. Yap, it was nice to see you in this episode!

"Turkey in a Can": One of the hardest "Bob's Burgers" questions you could ask me is to name my favorite Thanksgiving episode- making me choose between this one and "Dawn of the Peck"?! Please no! The scene in the bathroom on Thanksgiving is one of the funniest bits of chaotic humor on the show ever. If I'm not cracking up when Gayle declares "It's the end of the world!" and kisses Mort, you should check my pulse because I'm probably dead.

"Purple Rain-Union": "Won't you enter my Acropolis and make my yogurt Greek?"- how come Aunt Gayle's name never comes up when people are discussing the greatest songwriters of all time?! Also, I love the scenes with Jen (one of my all-time favorite recurring characters) in this one- especially her hilarious "pep talk" to Linda. I also love the way Louise's nonsensical "everybody gets a black eye" plan somehow works!

"Slumber Party": Yes, the slumber party plot itself is great! Yes, Jessica and all the other recurring characters who debut in this episode are great! But what I really love about this episode is the amount of screentime and dialogue devoted to Little King Trashmouth!! "It's a rac-coup d'etat!" and "Aw, babies getting rabies" are two of my favorite ever Linda quotes! Let's just say that if I lived in Seymour's Bay I would be a crazy raccoon person alongside Linda and Teddy. I love those alley rascals!

"Easy Com-mercial, Easy Go-mercial": Hey, Randy, it was nice to see you in this episode! After "Fraud of the Dead", I was thinking about Louise directing that film and also directing the Meatman film in "Ain't Miss Debtatin'" and wondering if there were any other indications in the show that she had this interest in directing. So, it was interesting to rewatch this and note that Louise not only insists that she should direct instead of Randy because she came up with the script idea, but even when Randy is directing scenes of the commercial that she is not in, you can see Louise standing next to him mimicking his actions- like, it's not just about her wanting power or not respecting Randy (although both things are true) she's genuinely interested in directing!

"The Frond Files": Our first three stories anthology! Two things I really love in this one: the way Louise writes that ridiculous argument between her and Gene at the end of her story-it's the most sibling thing ever! Also, I LOVE the coloring and designs of the "Fart School for the Gifted" segment- it's just really beautiful art to accompany a really silly story! (I also love Linda's tearful reaction to that story and Bob insisting to Frond that he ending is ambiguous). I also loved the use of black and white for (most) of Tina's zombie story.

"Mazel Tina": Another fun thing of the rewatch has been noticing story types/structures that the show reuses that I enjoy- and this is one of them, where the Belchers are go to a place together (Tammy's bat mitzvah) and then all have separate little adventures there ("Mutiny on the Windbreaker" and "Legends of the Mall", are among other stories of that type). I particularly enjoy Louise in this one- Louise talking Janet into quitting her job and following her dreams is hilarious, as is all the Tammy-Louise interaction. One of the things that makes Tammy a great recurring character is that she has her own different dynamics with each of the Belcher siblings- they all mess with her, but in completely different ways.

"The Kids Rob A Train": So, as I have written in other long posts and in fics, one of the reasons I enjoy Louise and Rudy's friendship is that we can see it evolve over time. They don't automatically become besties after "Carpe Museum"- in this one Rudy tells Beanbag that he knows the Belchers from school, not that they are his friends. And I think we see some key moments in the development of their friendship in this one- Rudy's patience with Louise's siblings during his presentation about the train, Rudy and Louise's back-and-forth as he tries to get her to hand him the chocolate through the window, and his fake allergic severe reaction and her panicked response. But even if you aren't as obsessed with that relationship as I am, this episode has tons of great things- Bob's "friendship" with "Ramon" the boy riding the bike next to the train, Gene's outfit, the thrilling musical score!

"The Kids Run Away": Another sleeper hit that I never really appreciated until this rewatch. I particularly love that Gayle is actually helpful in resolving the Louise cavity crisis in this episode. Yes, Gayle has a LOT of issues, but I think she does try to be a good aunt and a good sister.

The "How Bob Saves/Destroys the Town" two-parter: Most of the time, my ratings are mainly based on how much I enjoy the comedy, story, and character beats of the episode- I haven't really rated any episodes up or down based on how they look visually- and I readily concede that is not really my wheelhouse, I don't really know much about evaluating animation or direction in animation from a technical perspective. That being said, both parts of this two parter were probably the first episodes of the show where I repeatedly thought about how beautiful it was! There are many great shots that make the episodes seem more cinematic or theatrical (the spotlights on the singers during the musical numbers) rather than "just" an episode of television. The view of the town when Bob and Calvin are on top of the rollercoaster is particularly great. And I love how they brought back so many recurring characters, even if it was just for silent cameos (like Darryl and Logan being in the background for part of "Bad Things Are Bad")! This episode really shows how much the show had grown over four seasons- how it had developed a setting and a ton of characters, both supporting and main, so that you really cared about them. A fantastic ending for a fantastic season!

Random thoughts (stuff that doesn't affect the ratings):

-This season seems to have more plots involving Bob working somewhere other than the restaurant ("My Big Fat Greek Bob", "Bob and Deliver") and more plots about the family or members of it being in physical jeopardy (the first three episodes, "Christmas in the Car", the two-part season finale) than most seasons. I remember noticing that when it was first airing and worrying that it was a trend that might lead to the show becoming less grounded (like "The Simpsons") and that if we got to 10+ seasons we'd be seeing stories about Bob becoming a temporary chef for NASA and the family being stranded on the International Space Station or nonsense like that. Obviously, this concern was misplaced. if anything, the show has become more grounded as it's gone on, making episodes about things my retired aunt and uncle do as hobbies (birdwatching, hunting for mushrooms).

-I try not to nitpick jokes, but it bugs me in "Mazel Tina" when Gene yells "One Luftballoon!" after seeing Tina's blood red face. Yes, the English version of Nena's "99 Luftballoons" was "99 Red Balloons"- but "luft" doesn't mean "red" in German, it means "air" and "luftballoon" just means "balloon"-it has nothing to do with it being red! So, he's just saying Tina's red face looks like a balloon, which is an odd joke. Sorry, this is incredibly dumb, but y'know I took German for two years in high school and I need to use it occasionally so I don't feel like I wasted that time...

Thanks for reading! See you in Season 5!

[xxgoblin-dumplingxx]

Imposter syndrome anon here! Thanks for your advice idk if you were curious for an update so feel free to ignore if you weren’t:

Well my team lost today bc one of our judges had a racial bias against us with was so obvious and plain it was insulting. We lost out of nationals because of her score of us and when I was omw with my teammates for lunch I got a call from my dad that my grandpa passed away two days ago but everyone was keeping it from me so it didn’t screw with my head during the competition (which was fair and I appreciate but now I’m just in shock). I’ve never felt grief before like this and I’ve been unable to do anything since I heard except sit on the floor and stare into space and if I’m lucky then sob and I’ve got my flight tomorrow but I can’t even put away a single thing let alone pack. I also started my period today so overall any advice would be great because I’m drowning in emotions

Pls feel free to ignore if this is too much though I’m so sorry to burden you with this…sometimes even venting to the void is needed

Just breathe and take things one step at a time.

Get your bag packed first so you can go home and be with your family.

I'm sorry this is hard. I'm sorry that it sucks. Just do what you need to do for now and take care of yourself.

My dad died the day before Thanksgiving and I had to turn around and go to work and pull a double so I could afford to have him cremated. I understand.

[mermaidsirennikita]

Hiya! I currently have covid and am just feeling blue--do you have any super fun and super hot book recs? I'm trying to cheer myself up lol

Oh no, I'm sorry! COVID sucks. I didn't get it until right after Thanksgiving last year (and haven't gotten it again since) but it fucked me up quiiiiite a bit. I hope you feel better soon.

And YES! I do have some hot books for funsies.

If you have a tolerance for angst at this time (I can never tell if people mean fun as in "funny" or "anything entertaining", because my brain is weird and I tend to just be able to take a max dose of angst 95% of the time), I will always say some of the hottest books I've ever read with The Most Fun are Sierra Simone's. New Camelot is a great starting place IF you are down for some angst (HEA guaranteed, of course).

If you're NOT in an angsty mood, why not get a head start on the holiday season with her Christmas Notch series, co-authored by Julie Murphy? This series focuses on a small town where a Hallmark-type company films Christmas movies. Shit gets ROCKED, however, when the former child star actress of the movie (in the first book—these read best chronologically though they're technically standalones) has to drop out. The man heading the production studio making the movie ALSO has a porn production studio.... so... why not sub in a porn star who wants go mainstream? Starring opposite her childhood crush/a former boybander who's a big fan of her Only Fans page?

They're super funny, they're super delightful, they're HOT and the final book is out on 9/24! Does it include the hero getting his ass fingered? Who's to say?

(I am to say. He does. It's great. More of that, authors.)

SPEEEEAKING of porn stars, you could also try Rosie Danan's The Roommate, which is about a girl whose potential roommate drops out right before she's set to move in. Her new roommate... may happen to be a famous porn star. There is a truly incredible scene where she's like "I need an orgasm" and he's like "omg buddy I got you" and eats her out through her panties. Because that keeps it... platonic...

And then, also along the lines of modern classic superhot romcoms featuring sex workers, if you haven't read Helen Hoang's The Kiss Quotient... You gotta. A woman on the spectrum hires a male escort to teach her how to date (I mean, also to fuck) essentially, because she's been told she's frigid in bed in the past and thinks something is wrong with her. Rightfully, he's like "There is nothing wrong with you, also here's an orgasm". I'd also recommend the second book in the series, The Bride Test. The Heart Principle... is a heavy book that is actually too angsty for ME. Which is saying something. Not bad. Wouldn't call it fun.

What about Tracey Livesay's American Royalty? The one about the uptight British prince who has to organize a charity concert and hires a female rapper a la Megan Thee Stallion and then they fall in love? This one has a direct sequel, so you can get extra fun. (First book does NOT end on a cliffhanger, second just continues the journey.)

Minx by Sophie Lark is a fun one. In this one, the hero is a billionaire who hires the heroine, a high end escort, to help him with specific needs... Pet play, it's pet play. He has her dress up in a cat suit (to be clear: not like a furry cat suit... she's in a sexy cat suit and wearing cat ears and a collar that says "Minx"... she drinks milk out of a bowl and then they fuck nasty... INCLUDING. when she's ON HER PERIOD. be still my heart, more pls) and she ends up getting into his heart. Also, because it must be noted when we get it in m/f romance: his ass. She gets into that as well.

If you're open to something SUPER wacky lol, Kathryn Moon's A Lady of Rooksgrave Manor is a paranormal historical erotic romance in which the heroine essentially works in a brothel for monsters...? And she falls in love with like, five or six different monsters. The swords don't cross a TON, but they do cross, at it were. She bangs like. A Jekyll and Hyde guy; and a gollem type guy; an invisible guy; a vampire, a sphinx; and there's definitely more lol

How to Marry a Marble Marquis by C.M. Nascosta. Another paranormal historical type book. The heroine is looking for a husband, and receives assistance from a gargoyle rake. Also she receives dick from a gargoyle rake. She does in fact fuck the gargoyle rake while he's sleeping. And is a stone. He's fine with it.

If you're open to mafia romance, Mila Finelli (otherwise known as Joanna Shupe) writes such fun shit with her Kings of Italy series. Best read in order (the first two books are directly connected, the next three technically stand alone but come on now) they are SUUUUPER hot and SUUUUUUUUUPER over the top and so good. TWs for a lot of murder obviously, most of the super violent shit is "offscreen". The heroine of the first book is 18 and the hero (who initially is arranging for her to marry his son) is 38. So there's that. But it's very much NOT your standard issue "sweet virgin" mafia romance.

Sara Cate's first four Salacious Player's Club books are super hot and good! I would especially recommend Give Me More (MMF, friends to lovers) and Mercy (femdom, older heroine/bratty hero). Also Mercy has pegging! I'm on a roll, truly.

Act Your Age by Eve Dangerfield, of course. The one where the heroine blows her boss by accident (it was dark, they were both confused, mistakes were made) AAAAND calls him daddy during. Which he loves. So they begin a no-strings relationship which involves, among other things, stepfather/stepdaughter roleplay. It gets emotionally out of hand. Soooo good and soooooo hot tho I will admit I am soooooooo the target audience.

If you want short and sweet, Angelina M. Lopez just released Give it To Me! which is an anthology of her short stories, most of which are on the hotter side (a couple are closed door, but one of the few that doesn't include sex has a sequel story in the collection which DOES and it's fab). You get everything from a widow asking her dead husband's best friend (who's become her best friend in the ensuing years) to help her get back in the saddle (by fucking her) to surfboard sex to a magical orgy gangbang situation. Very fun.

If you've never read Tessa Dare... lol... now's the time. A Week to Be Wicked and When a Scot Ties the Knot might be good for this moment! I also love Any Duchess Will Do, but that has a gut punch (in a sad way) moment.

Grace Callaway's historicals are very fun and very hot and silly and comedic, buuuut I will say the backstories can get pretty dark in a lot of them. If you are open, I'd say that you might want to try her Game of Dukes series or the Lady Charlotte's Society of Angels (it's Charlie's Angels but historical romance) books.

A lot of S.M. LaViolette books can be on the darker side, but her Bellamy's series is definitely on the lighter end for her. They're VERY hot if you're in a historical mood, and though there are some tragic backstories, I think it's a bit more doable than her other stuff. And you get things like "Phoebe's mom tells her she should just knock herself out on her wedding night because her future husband is like 7 feet tall and clearly hung" and "Hyacinth is pretending to be a guy and Sylvester knows she's a girl now so he's having a good time baiting her into revealing she's a girl by saying shit like 'LET'S JACK OFF TOGETHER, OL' BOY' while watching a peep show with her".

TJ Alexander's Triple Sec is sooo fun and hot if you're open to a queer book. The main POV heroine is a bartender who meets a bubbly lawyer... but the lawyer is married... But hey, they're poly! And now our main heroine is dating the lawyer while developing feelings for her frosty artist spouse... It's F/F/NB.

Preferential Treatment by Heather Guerre, of course. A woman mouths off to the billionaire CEO of her company. He's super into it and offers to pay her to be his domme. Yay!

[all-mirth-no-matter]

For all the people kindly waiting for the next Time After Time chapter — it’s in final tweak mode and I’m working to get it posted very very soon! Work has just been an absolute nightmare for like the last three months, but I’ve got some time off soon for the Thanksgiving holiday so I’m going to dedicate time to try and pour out as much as I can so that way I won’t have such long intervals between chapters ♥️

I can’t believe it’s been a year since I first dropped this story. This was my first self-insert/oc fic, and I was so nervous to share it and so convinced that no one would be interested in this weird scenario that I just could not get out of my head. You guys on here and ao3 who have shown your support through likes, reblogs, comments, and asks have been absolutely unexpected and I can’t even begin to fully express my gratitude for all your kind words and support. I poured a lot of my own personality into the reader/Cassie character (with some tweaks to fit the vibe) and obsess over trying to stay genuine to Tommy’s character and the time period, and it’s been so humbling to hear how people have been responding.

I don’t do it for the kudos, but damn do you guys know how to make a girl feel all giddy inside and motivated to keep on keeping on ♥️♥️ So thank you all again for your patience and support, and I hope to not disappoint!

[translucent-at-best]

Scatter-brained...

Have I done one of these since I moved? ...I don't think so. I'm going to have to do another one of these breaking down the roommate mess I've been dealing with, but that'll be for another day. I've been "it is what it is"-ing the situation for the past week or so though.

One month and 3 more days until I head home for the holidays. I can't wait.

There have been a few situations lately that have left me feeling unsafe out here and the need to be around my family, their love, and familiar surroundings is real.

If I've unfollowed you recently, it's nothing personal. You just had one too many nekkid white folks up and down my dashboard and I just couldn't do it no more.

The lack of good, hood Chinese spots in LA blows me more and more the longer I live here.

I remember when a three-day weekend used to be enough to recharge me to deal with them people and them kids. I don't know if I should blame my period or how over this job I am at this point, but three days just wasn't cutting it this time, so I played hookie today. And still don't wanna go in tomorrow smh.

I'm hosting Friendsgiving next week and although I'm a little nervous about it, I'm more excited than anything. I'm in charge of making parmesan-crusted chicken, mashed potatoes, and sausage dressing. This is my first Thanksgiving in... at least a decade where I won't be making cookies and I'm not mad at it. Mostly because I'll be baking them like crazy for orders during the holidays.

I've never received any apartment-warming gifts from anyone. Not for my old place or this new one. But times is hard for everybody and the holidays are coming up. I do wonder who'd donate or buy me something if I posted the Cashapp/Venmo/Zelle though.

We can all agree that Black people's penises are not cocks, right? They are to be referred to as dicks, correct? We're all on the same page with that???

A man who got loud with me and my friends during brunch yesterday ended up being kicked out of the restaurant and, once in the parking lot, slammed his baby mother's head off a car. A man who went on a homophobic rant and was screaming and yelling horrible things 18 inches away from my face. I know how this sounds, but I'm simultaneously so sorry it was her and so glad it wasn't me.

They arrested him before he left the premises. I hope she packs up her and her baby's shit and leaves him before he gets out.