#grief comes in waves

[fairydrowning]

"Grief has no distance. Grief comes in waves, paroxysms, sudden apprehensions that weaken the knees and blind the eyes and obliterate the dailiness of life."

– Joan Didion, The Year of Magical Thinking

[sneverussape]

putting this here bec i need to write it down somewhere and tumblr is ironically the best platform for it:

i saw my granddad’s car a week ago and i haven’t been able to stop thinking about it.

he died in 2018 and one of the first things we got rid of was his precious suv because my grandmother doesn’t need a lot of cars to get around, so his was the natural first choice for removal. i had toyed with the idea of buying it from them, but didn’t push through as it was fairly expensive to maintain (the parts were rare - he never did do anything by halves). in the end someone got it off our hands. I never knew who; i don’t think i wanted to know.

flash forward to last week, I was driving my car otw to meet a friend, and…there my granddad’s car was. it was ambling along the road so slowly that everyone was overtaking it, and i was so shocked seeing it that it took me a second before i overtook it myself. it sped up a bit after I passed it, and stayed behind me for a good 5 mins before it turned a corner and disappeared. that whole time I kept watching it in the rear view mirror and my eyes were watering so much I had to wipe my face several times.

see, my granddad never got to see me drive. it was a running joke between me and him. I had learned to drive at 16 but he was never able to see proof of it because we lived apart, or we were always traveling. he quit driving himself after getting a heart attack in 1999 and hired a full time driver. he used to joke he’d just hire me since i was “the expert”.

anyway, he never saw me behind the wheel, only ever heard of it, and we always cracked the joke that I’d send him my cv soon to be his driver.

seeing his car on the road, trailing my own, years after he died, made me want to laugh and cry.

hello! the car in the rear view mirror seemed to say. there you are! do you remember me? are you sending your cv in already?

i wanted to stop and also approach the car but the logical part of me knew it wasn’t my granddad driving it, so I did the next best thing: i slowed down enough and stared at the car’s reflection and pretended it was him there. i was so desperate for the moment to last forever, for the seconds to stretch out to keep the illusion of my granddad being there with me, but it was over before I had a chance to draw a deep breath in. by the end of it, my hands were aching from gripping the wheel so hard.

hello! i miss you! I love you so much! wait please. don’t leave don’t leave don’t leave

[sensorybin]

I think it’ll be a while before I’m okay.

—9:45PM

[sail-away-to-space]

Alright, here goes. I'm old. What that means is that I've survived (so far) and a lot of people I've known and loved did not. I've lost friends, best friends, acquaintances, co-workers, grandparents, mom, relatives, teachers, mentors, students, neighbors, and a host of other folks. I have no children, and I can't imagine the pain it must be to lose a child. But here's my two cents.

I wish I could say you get used to people dying. I never did. I don't want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don't want it to "not matter". I don't want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can't see.

As for grief, you'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe it's a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.

In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything...and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.

Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O'Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out.

Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And you'll survive them too. If you're lucky, you'll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks.

-GSnow (Reddit comment)

[compo67]

Fresh bouquet for my grandma. 💐

[ink-and-fire]

I just realized. She won’t be at my wedding. When I get married, she won’t be there.

[skizwillsuffice]

Seasonal Depression- a comic

Summer- I’m thriving just like you wanted me to, right alongside the Thing you left behind.

Fall- I’m living as if you’re still here. The Thing you left behind is starting to look just like you.

Winter- I’m feeling warm and comfortable inside my home, but that Thing chills me to my very core, as if I were sleeping out in the snow.

Spring- I’m smiling as best as I can, but the colors that once comforted me now threaten to drown me. The Thing that once stood as my companion is now replaced by your name etched in stone.

The seasons keep flying by and I can never seem to disembark from this track. Does time truly heal all wounds, or was that yet another lie you told me?

This one’s a little more personal for me. I lost someone very dear to me in the Spring and every year I feel as though I ride the same roller coaster. Ten years is still not enough time to grieve. Some days I still have no idea how to grow up or live life without them.

I tried to convey my feelings through this comic. The “Thing” is a symbol of grief. Summer is easy, I feel lively and awake, like I can do anything and pursue whatever my heart desires. There’s still a lingering shadow of the person I lost but I’m happy to let it loiter in my life. Fall is good too, but I think about it much more frequently, and I’m reminded of it more with birthdays and holidays. Sometimes I see things or hear things that make me think that person is there, only to instantly get reminded that they aren’t. Winter sucks ass, I mostly hate it, but there are still things to smile about! It’s cold and I can’t get warm or feel comfortable in my own skin. I’m terrified of loss so I’m anxious about how I treat those around me. Holidays are incredibly hard, but the people I’m with help me a lot. Spring is warm, bright, and colorful, but it’s also a reminder that another year went by without that person, and that I will never get another year until I join them in the ground. Everything reminds me of them, but sometimes it’s not a bad thing. Cherish them and make them proud if the grief is eating you alive. Don’t sit idle for too long.

So, since it’s (almost) Spring, I’m channeling my grief through Emmet. Stay strong buddy, we’ll ride these tracks together 💚

[youareunbearable]

I always see these posts about Maedhros and Elwing, like yes both leap to their deaths clutching a Silmaril and I adore the foil allegories, but what of Maglor??

My tiktok feed has been playing that one fan Odysseus song, the "get in the water, or ill raise the tides so high all of Ithaca will die" song, and I cant help but just picture Maglor, at the ends of his rope, covered in Ambarussa's blood, the youngest son of Feanor again after spending an untold amount of time being the second oldest, just going still and deadly at Elwing

Hes no Luthien, no half Maia that can pluck at the threads of reality like one can a harp, but he is the best Singer of the Noldor, and depending on who you ask, of all of the First Born. One of the only Sons of Feanor with an affinity for water while the rest burn, but that doesn't mean he can't become a rolling boil.

Once the final breath of Ambarussa escapes their lungs, oh the Scream Maglor will have let go. Just as a drowning person will grasp at anything to keep them afloat, even to the point where they may drown their rescuer just to keep their head above the waves, Maglor’s scream PULLS

All the water surrounding this costal city would Lurch, would rush and flood and crash upon the city walls. The streets, already run red with blood, would become knee deep blood pools. These red rivers would part before him and his echoing dirge, his siren wailing, the bloody waves would lap at his feet with every step he would take up Elwing's tower.

He would corner her, eyes blazing with the same light that she clutches desperately to her chest, to her heart, and Maglor wouldn't care about the Jewel, he's already lost so much to it that if he held it himself he would just toss it into the waves anyways, let it sink to the black depths where it belongs.

No, Maglor would pin her on the balcony, block her exits so all she can see is the blood stained water seeping around his feet, inching towards her, and the furious roar and crash of the raging ocean behind. He would hum, a disarming little song, and the waves seem to surge upwards, reaching towards the tower balcony on beat. The spray of the waves would splatter across her back, would mist Maglor’s face, the salt of the ocean mixing with the salt of his tear stained face. He would look at her, dripping in water and blood, both of his brothers and his enemies, and he would sing one little line, a command more like.

"Get in the water"

[just-a-whumping-racoon-with-wifi]

But y’a know we’re gonna be okay? Right?

We’re gonna be okay. 💛

[stuckinapril]

Do you have any advice for someone going through the "people turnover" you described? I'm really questioning some current friendships but I'm scared of the consequences. Like I know if I lose these friends, there will be a massive hole in my life that cannot be patched easily or quickly

i'm going about it in a "demote, promote, or terminate" kind of way atm, while also being aware of my emotional capacity. there's this really close friend i have, but now i'm realizing she's not the best for me. cutting her off cold turkey would be too much for me, so for now i've resorted to demoting her--in my mind, she's no longer that close friend i thought she was. she's more of an enjoyment friend i'd call up to go out places w, pass the time w, etc... i wouldn't trust her w personal details the way i did. i'm heeding my limits while also doing something about this situation.

other friends i'm straight up just "terminating." something is fundamentally not working in our friendship, and i'd rather deal w the temporary grief over the long-term misery of keeping them in my life. that's how i'm going about it--i'm weighing the temporary grief against the long-term consequences of continuing to invest. & there are also a friend or two i'm promoting :) realizing they're actually really dope and they're the ones i should be investing in the most instead. so we'll see how that goes !

6 months ago this would have hurt like hell, but rn i'm honestly in a state of calm bc my life is so full without these people already that i can just double down on other areas of my life. studying, working out, reading, writing, other hobbies i wanna take up, a future i'm really excited about, being more in touch w my boundaries... just been a super therapeutic time for me. i know my world extends beyond these people. i guess what i'm trying to say is on the chance i lose literally everybody, i would not let there be a gaping hole for me to be in pain about. i'd just mend it w other facets of my life that are super vibrant already. i've learned a long time ago that friends, however much u adore them, should be an augmentation instead of the foundation of ur life itself. and i'm also the kind of person who'd rather be alone than surrounded by people i don't connect with tbh

[densitywell]

Orym isn't "manipulating" his friends, really; that implies a level of intentionality that i don't think is there. but he built up a lot of trust and respect with the rest of Bells Hells because of who he was before the solstice, and it's becoming evident that he's not currently the same person who earned those things.

it's subtle at this point, minor infractions against their autonomy or trust - Orym does everything smally, quietly, gently, including his oversteps. and it's all understandable, even justifiable! encourage Laudna to bring Delilah back- they’re at war, they need her. push FCG to stay with the hells (kindly, with love, and knowing just how suggestible they are)- they're at war, they need him. tell Keyleth about Imogen's connection to Liliana without running it by Imogen first- they're at war, Keyleth needs to know, they need her. and if Imogen does seem suspicious, if she still has doubts, if her trauma has tied her too thoroughly to the incorrect side, well- Orym loves her, but they're at war, and they need her or they need her out of the picture.

but if Orym was just being pragmatic, he wouldn't have wanted the hells to immediately return to the Malleus Key as soon as they reunited, no more prepared and twice as exhausted as the last time. they're at war, but Orym isn't really thinking like a soldier right now; he's thinking like a broken man out for revenge. the whole "saving Exandria" thing is just a nice bonus to the real goal that his vision has tunneled in on, that of avenging his family and Keyleth. he'll sacrifice anything for that, and he expects the rest of the hells to do the same. and his trauma explains that, but it doesn't excuse it, and if he isn't both given love and understanding and challenged on how he's behaving those minor infractions might start becoming major ones.

[itspileofgoodthings]

I spent the last week mostly crying and healing old wounds and having revelations and also facing things I already knew on a bone-deep level but also I spent the last week reading Mark van Doren’s The Noble Voice and oh my gosh he’s so right the Aeneid really falls so much shorter of the Iliad and the Odyssey because Aeneas is a stand-in for history and the Weight of Rome not actually a real person.

[sensorybin]

You are no longer here with me but I promised you before you left that I will be okay. And I will be okay.

—2:06PM

[seeminglydark]

oh. you rode a horse called smokey across the plains of my mind just now and the tears sprang up. i think you'd like this new thing i made.

[lux-scriptum]

Sometimes I go to whine on this blog like its my diary and I have to hold myself by the scruff cus theres more of you here than there was when I originally started this blog. Like theres actually people here I’m not just venting into the void the void might talk back and I dont want to burden the void I just wanna yell for a bit you know??

[violentdevotion]

Hi. Op of the college post. I wanted to extend my apology for your friend's death (i actually made the post in memory of a friend who also died) and to ask what major you were in? An essay on hauntology sounds intriguing, id be curious to know more. Well, sorry if this is random and sudden, your tags just jumped out to me in the notifications as the most interesting thing someone left on that post. I hope you have a lovely day!

thank you for your thoughts. i want to extend the same to you, i feel losing a friend so young at such an already tumultuous time in your life is one of the most difficult things to go through, but we did it 👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻

i studied english literature at uni. the class i wrote the essay on was contemporary world literature and the prompt was 'discuss the importance of grief or loss in contemp world lit and I chose the books Autumn by Ali Smith and Alfred and Emily by Doris Lessing (which if you haven't read already id really recommend). i think the conclusion sums up what my thesis was better than i can now 2 years after writing it

In conclusion, grief and loss within these texts are tied to nostalgia, of either objects, memory, or people. However, this grief disrupts the memory and the linear narrative, and as such time bleeds into eachother. Events from the past cannot be remembered without knowing what is to come, whereas idealisations of the future must be rooted in something from history, the consequence of which is that ��the futuristic now connoted a settled set of concepts, affects, and associations.’ (Fisher, 2012, p.16). Difficulties arise however when these concepts and associations are established in a history of violence and loss. This exchange expresses the continuous feeling of grief, as characters are repeatedly acknowledging and ‘burying’ what ‘haunts’ them while unable to live in a future without what they have already buried. Evidently, like a leaf ‘so stuck that when it eventually peels away, it's leafshape left behind, shadow of the leaf, will last on the pavement till next spring.’ (Smith p. 259) Contemporary World Literature must constantly acknowledge the past and present while looking to the future, forcing all three to exist concurrently.

dont worry about it being random, i made the joke that the post was made in a lab for me when its actually two people coincidentally relating over similar life experiences. i hope you have a lovely day also :))))