#grief stuff

[princesscharlesofmonaco]

Today marks 10 years since my mom died. I was 17, almost 18. I had not yet graduated from high school. Now I’m 27, almost 28 (!!!), and I work in the same position that she vacated when she got sick, at the same state agency. It’s so unbelievably stupid that she’s not here to see it. I tend to think the world would be better if she were.

My mom was the smartest person I knew, and kind of a piece of work. She was a pessimist, and could be quick to criticize, but she loved fiercely, and cared deeply about being a good citizen of the world, and being good to the people she was given to love. A short (and incomplete) list of things that she loved: Coke Zero, ice cream, cookies (making and eating), birthdays, friendship, trashy mysteries, 19th century British literature, Buenos Aires, Barcelona, San Francisco, James Taylor, The Traveling Wilburys, choral music, ballet, Shakespeare, the beach, the movies, babies, toddlers, bookstores, her friends, her friends’ kids, her parents, her siblings, my dad, my sisters, me

[shallowseeker]

Oh, nooo.... Jody leaving the body of her husband...

5x15 Dead Mean Don't Wear Plaid

Oh, boss.... we got another one.

It is nooooo wonder that Dean was a little more comfortable w/Jodes in 13x03 Patience (via @spnscripthunt)

///

[langdonsmel]

went to london all by myself today. rode the tube alone. walked the streets to the us embassy and got myself a visa approved. took myself for brunch afterwards. and the one person i wanted to call about all of this is my mam. and i watched all the parents waiting for their kids coming out of the embassy and running up to them hugging them and buying them breakfast and i just. it’s just a reminder i’m not going to have that again, you know? and it just kinda hurts. anyways, i thought i’d tell the little people in my phone that i did it, i was terrified and i did it anyways 💗

[mushroom1134]

My mama cat Rin passed away 3 weeks ago. She was young and it was suddenly. I miss her so much. It's still hard. Rip Mama Rin. I love you and miss you so much.

[hithisrmyimaginesaccount]

losing someone to death really shakes everything up like what do you mean they’re not here anymore? where could they have possibly gone? i can’t even say hello or i love you again and hear them say it back? fuck that. i can never catch a glimpse of them again? not even once? not even in another, say 10 years? what is this place they’re all in? why is the curfew so strict? why can’t i see them again? at least once? don’t trees die every winter but they come back in the spring. why is this bias only for humans?

i want to see my human again. at least for another minute, so i can tell them i love them and i am a fucking mess. i want to see my human again.

[seeminglydark]

six years gone today, but people keep telling me you'd be proud, and i like to think thats true. bitter sweet. thanks for everything.

for putting me in the car as a little kid while a small bear chased you around our camp site cuz for some reason you were holding onto the cooler.

for selling me your truck and mini camper for 10 bucks when my life fell apart and i needed a place to live and playing it off like you just needed a new truck, which for the record, you didnt even get.

for insisting to drive the ten hours to help me when we thought my appendix burst and you didnt want me to be alone after surgery even though you'd broken your lower vertebra and sitting that long would have been torture, im glad you didnt end up having too but knowing you would have was a lot.

for taking the phone after my mom scolded me for 'running away' at 23 when i got out of an abusive relationship and took off the other other side of the country and telling me in a sing song voice 'youre in troubbbblleeee' but i could tell you were actually really proud of me for getting on that bus after not even being able to walk into a walmart by myself for most of my life.

for letting me help you when things got too hard, as long as i pretended you were teaching me how to change the tires cuz i knew you didnt have the strength to do it.

for giving me your iconic smile and walk even though my mom still gets startled when she sees me sometimes. i dont mind seeing a little bit of you when i look in the mirror, more so these days.

for teaching me love and compassion and hope no matter what

you inspired me to live my life my way. RIP Kip (1946-2017) thanks for everything, Dad.

[myflagmeansace]

on a personal note, my mom loved bunnies

since she passed away last year, i've seen so many real-life bunnies in the most random places, enough for me to take it as a sign

so to see the bunny in the OFMD S2 trailer is blowing my mind

i'm not sure what will happen to Ed's bunny but I just think it's very special and sweet that it's there 💜

[princesscharlesofmonaco]

some facts about my mom and sports, for my sports blog*

the most my mom ever cared about sports was the boston red sox's 1986 season. if you know what happened in game 6 of the world series, you know why she vowed never to care about sports again

despite above disavowal of the red sox, she once almost got us kicked out of a ny-style pizza place (in california) for threatening to put a red sox sticker on their yankees babe ruth cookie jar. mostly because she liked to make people mad, but also because long after she stopped following baseball closely she still hated the yankees

my mom loved to watch the olympics, especially gymnastics and figure skating

my mom's least favorite part of the olympics was always when the cameras would follow a gymnast or a figure skater who fell, especially if the athlete in question was a teenage girl. she would shout "leave her alone" at the tv, adding "don't make her talk to you!" if they stuck a microphone in the girl's face. #girlmom (she would hate that hashtag)

my mom fought to get my sister out of her second year of high school PE when she was dancing five days a week, because she was definitely exercising more than some of the athletes who got waivers at our not-terribly-sports-forward high school

my mom loved to swim as a young adult, and early on in her and my dad's marriage she was always challenging him to races and beating him

*my mom would be utterly confused by me having a sports blog

[shallowseeker]

Because I knew it was revenge that brought him back, and if I tried to stop him, that he might go away. And I didn’t want to lose my husband again. ... Andrew? It’s Corey. Please listen to me. You have to stop this. Revenge – it’s hollow. And it’s pointless. It won’t bring you back. 10x13

So, there's a echo of this in season 15, I think. I feel like it's an off-key parallel in how Dean and Cas are unwilling to stop Billie's plan because they're so strangely focused on the limbo of having the little family back together.

Both fall in line for revenge (Dean overtly "payback," and Cas covertly draped in the language of "destiny/story").

At first, they don't wanna rock the boat.

And then, slowly, they lose sight of the boat all together.

[callialire]

In 10 years, we probably ate 3000 dinners together. And I spent roughly 1000 of those complaining about the overuse of fennel and mustard. How bittersweet to know I’ve done 365 dinners without you now, and I’ll never get another one. But I’ll always have those 3000.

The bad: a lot can change in a year.

The good: a lot can change in a year.

It doesn’t hurt so bad anymore, and I’ve learned that I can talk to you, instead of God these days. You’ve always been a good listener and some things don’t change even in death.

I think I’ll always miss your laugh and I’ll always listen for the sound of you in the house you filled. But you were nothing if not a man full of life, with a desire to live it every single day you had. So, I’ll keep an ear out for you in the sunshine and I’ll laugh at all the chapsticks you send my way.

I love you I miss you I wish you were here I know you’re better now I miss you I love you

[langdonsmel]

.

so i’ve felt off all day. not good, not bad, just off. i wasn’t sure why, and then my aunt posted on facebook, and it turns out its been a year since my nanna’s funeral. and like, look. i’ve been grieving people for a long time, and i know grieving doesn’t make me special at all but god do i feel it today. like i’m so angry it feels like i’m about to itch out of my skin and i’m so sad all of my body is tingling and i want to cry but i physically can’t and i just. grief is a fucking beast and i feel so much of it today and. yeah. i miss my nanna and i miss my mam and i miss my dad. and i’ve lost so much already and that’s…really horrific and really tough to bare a lot of the time. like normally on a day like today i’d turn to my mam. but she’s been dead four and a half years. and if it wasn’t my mam i’d have a cup of tea with my nanna, but it’s her i’m mourning. and it’s almost midnight and i just feel. so much. and i know this will pass i’ve been doing it long enough to know it will but it hurts right now, idk.

[fangirling-throughlife]

I don't know if I've ever mentioned anything about this, but here it goes.

2 years and almost 2 months ago, a dear friend from my high school days passed away at 29. He was the pianist in my first ever legit piano trio in the conservatory. He was in uni while the other two of us were still in high school. We were the weirdest ever group. He was older, so he had a car and went to concerts, and he could play a great Beethoven and then a mainstream pop song. I was getting out there after my grandmother passed away and my mum (who's not a musician) encouraged me to listen to pop music kids my age enjoyed, and even arranged for me to go to meet the boyband I got into. I had modern interests like Eurovision with very specific people, one of them being the pianist in our group. The violinist had a very strict teacher, and strict parents, so she was less into mainstream and focused on classical music, but she inevitably got carried away by the two of us. Pair that with a teacher who just enjoyed that we were creative and proactive, and had very good chemistry, and we had a blast for a good year.

In 2018, our pianist called us to play at his aunt's wedding. One of the songs we played was Taylor Swift, because he was a massive fan. By that time, I liked Taylor, I knew all of her most famous songs, and I'd just spent months singing "Look what you made me do" (I had my reasons that aren't relevant here). He picked me up at home, and we spent the full ride talking about how talented she is, and what our favourite songs of hers were.

The only thing I can remember playing at the funeral is "august". And the only reason I remember it, is because someone in his family (cannot remember who) said that he loved Taylor so much (as if I didn't know that before) and that he adored that song, and that it would fit in a service. I also remember because I've been unable to listen to it for 2 years, because I start crying as my mind takes me back there.

Since then, all of the major release dates have been bittersweet for me. I think that, with the re-recordings, I figured he was just missing the new versions, and a couple of songs that matched the vibe. I really struggled the week Midnights was released, though, and I still think how fucking unfair it is that there's a whole album he'll never hear. But for some reason, 1989 hurt just as much. I'm not sure if it was because I was very obsessed with Wildest Dreams when we had that fangirling moment, but the moment it started playing, I lost it. And since I was already losing it, when the From the Vault songs started, there was no going back anymore.

As corny as it sounds, this is one of the cases where I really really hope there's a heaven where they can see and hear us, because it destroys my soul to think that the guy who made a "Love Story" arrangement to play because he knew the song so well that he found every single mistake in any online version, is missing all of this.

[seeminglydark]

oh. you rode a horse called smokey across the plains of my mind just now and the tears sprang up. i think you'd like this new thing i made.

[overwhelmedfrog]

you know, my dad wasn’t perfect and we had our issues. and sometimes i think about how if he were still here he’d probably be disappointed in me because he was very much a tough love, pull yourself up by your bootstraps kinda guy and unlike me, he was able to power through any hardships he had (he had some of the same health issues i do and i suspect he was autistic too). but i also wonder if i wouldn’t feel so lonely amongst my family if he were still alive. we were similar in a lot of ways and i love a lot of the same things that he loved that i now feel like such an outsider for because my mom acts so bothered by everything i do and enjoy. and if he were here, he’d appreciate my houseplants and he’d help me with the projects i’m working on and he’d listen to music and talk about books with me and he’d encourage me to go camping and he’d have kept our yard and woods the haven it used to be and he’d keep proudly displaying my art in his garage and he’d understand my need for peace and quiet and i don’t know, maybe he’d even have been more okay with the disability stuff than i give him credit for, maybe he’d have learned and come to accept it over time, and maybe i’d be in a better place now with his support. at the end of the day, i have no way of knowing because life is very different than it was before he died, but at times like now when i am feeling very alone amongst my mom and brother, i wonder if it wouldn’t feel this lonely if he were still here

[bobafett51]

I recently had a life altering conversation with my friend who is losing their battle against a rare medical condition. They told me that they knew their time was short. But nothing will stop them from living life to its fullest by loving the people they’re close to, the people they love most. To them, their life is complete and fulfilled, even at such a young age, because they love, they never stopped sharing that love, are never going to stop sharing that love, and even after they pass will never stop sharing that love with those they love most. A life is fulfilled through loving others, especially those that we love most. Please, tell the people you love most how much you love them. Mortal life is frail and short, but love is strong and eternal. Like my friend, I aim to always share my love with the people I love most. If you only do one thing today, express your love to someone. If you do, you will have had a fulfilled day.