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sethredia · 3 months

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straight up i think period-induced anxiety is the worst. like i have gad so im already anxious constantly but it normally settles at a not-great-but-manageable background hum if that makes sense? but when im on my period that shit goes from like a casual 4/10 to a fucking 14/10 sometimes.

ill be already a lil spooked about x or y thing on a normal day but when im on my period? i cant fucking sleep because im thinking about it and my chest is getting tight and i can feel my heart rate kick up and i roll over and get on my phone to distract myself and yet i know im distracting myself so the distraction doesnt really work and on and on until its three am and i pass tf out

its more manageable when im at work, right, because theres Stuff To Do at work. there a Job Tasks and then Job Distractions which are, in their own way, a different form of job task to me. is it the same fanfic i opened the night before to read but couldnt get through because my stupid, chemical deficient, hormone-addled brain wont let me focus on it? yes. is it different now because im at work and work is an entirely different vibe so now i can get through that story (and maybe a few others depending on length)? also yes!

anxiety example: my boss texted me last night, or i guess now that its gone past midnight would it be the night before last?, and said (frankly very ominously? like even without the anxiety disorder it would be spooky methinks) “call me before you go in tomorrow” and i was like “oh shit oh fuck what did i do i dont think i did anything i mean i had a weird hiccup with counting the drawer out at the end of the shift because i was doing 18.50 in my head instead if 17.50 so i had an overhang of a dollar and so maybe me messing with the dollar while i was trying to figure out what happened showed up and looked weird on the cameras and she saw it and she wants to talk to me about it???” and so that morning i did all my get-ready things and went back into my room, grabbed one of my stuffies for emotional support in the same way i do to make dentist appoints and shit, and bravely called my boss

and then. she said she just wanted to check on if it would be safe to have us open the store because of the snow that night. she lives in the next town over where it snowed a lot (7.5 inches. she stuck a ruler in it and sent me a picture later lol) and wanted to check on road conditions and just a general vibe on it f whether people would be out and about (it snowed in my town 3 inches. if im being generous. most of it melted off before noon. according to my boss, it continued to try and snow where she was on and off all day. what a wild difference like ten miles does to the weather!).

i got so so so scared over like a dollar worth of figured out before i left the building confusion that my boss wanting to just. be a good person. was like nowhere in my thought process.

related but only slightly: i got freaked tf out over one singular dollar and had that shit figured out before i went home for the day, whereas my stupid fucking coworker who is like technically my manager (i think if i had to put a title on her it would be like assistant manager but idk she doesnt have a title on our work schedule but shes above all the team lead kids but i also am that but i know technically shes my boss and she makes ~a dollar/hour more~ than i do so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ ) ALWAYS fucks up the drawers somehow. like our manager wants the end count on the drawer to be between $149.50-150.50. Why there is dont know but thats how it goes right? WRONG. every single time i come in and have to open a drawer after this lunatic has closed the night before, the drawers are over $150.50. it is not hard to stick another dollar into your bundle. drop the extra dollar. the drawer should not be at $150.75. drop the dollar. put it at $149.75 please god. this happened today on both drawers (small store; we only have two registers and only have shift overlaps on weekends and evenings so it works).

what Also happened today was that we have little paper slips that go into the drawers so you know what amount theyre supposed to be tallying out to when you count them next to know if everything is good or not. the paper said $150.65. i counted that fucker like six times, did the math on two different calculators three times to make sure it wasn’t me mis-hitting a decimal or something, and discovered it was actually at $155.65. five whole dollars. like im sure for a target thats not a big deal — still noticeable and youd absolutely get yelled at but like big picture and all — but for us thats a decent chunk! this woman simply does not double check anything she does regarding the cash drawers and it outrages me.

ALSO ALSO yesterday i counted out my drawer and it ended on like $150.30. within the boundaries. she put it in for the when the other closer came in. i left at 2:30, this other girl came in at 6:30, so somewhere in that four hours she recounted the drawer. we have a binder we write our numbers in for ~Accountability~. she wrote and initialed that it was at the $150.30 i counted it out to. this drawer, for the three or so hours its running that evening, handles no cash. written in the binder it has a big ol NO CASH written through in the Cash In and Deposited sections. the drawer closed at $150.75. where??? did that extra??? .45¢ come from??? and like what a weird amount too! thats not a two-quarter whoopsie, thats a whole mess of coins. four dimes and a nickel. a quarter and two dimes. other combinations im too tired to list. and like when i counted it that next morning it was at that $150.75. which is impressive, as the last time a NO CASH she wrote that had different starting and ending numbers, it turned out that there wasnt actually a difference, and that the original starting number was in fact still the amount in there. her ending number was also off by like .37¢ or something that time so like.

man. tell me you dont count out the registers properly without telling me you dont count them out properly.

anyway all of this is to say: periods suck and i hate them and i fucking wish i could sleep instead of worrying about what im currently worried about.

#the sideblog strikes again #personal #journaling

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bubsub69 · 5 months

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Entry 34

29/11/2023 14:45 Well we talked again on the day after, which was nice, but now we had another day without talking.. i guess a day isnt a lot for someone whos waited 11 days waiting for a text. We had another abrupt ending to the session but at least i got a heads up this time.

But the ending was after i did a task for her…she asked me to piss all over myself, which was a bit weird but I didnt mind doing it but… i might have accepted it too easily, at this point she could be starting a blackmail folder on me or something… more anxiety to have, great. But after the task i cleaned myself and asked if we could finally do a videocall but she said she had to leave and thats the last ive seen of her.

I really got obsessed thinking of her again, I had pretty much moved on and now i spent half my class daydreaming about her… someone who might just be using me… who is just messing with me and seeing what she can make me do… damn fucking brain wont let me be in peace, I just… need to trust her, she hasnt done anything to break my trust..aside from kind of ghosting me.. but i have to trust her, she said she was gonna be more active, maybe well even talk today, but it doesnt matter she said she got caught up in drama, well drama isnt eternal and she said she was gonna talk with me more and i just have to trust her, just need to have faith in her, shes not using me, shes just busy, shes not going to blackmail me, she just has a piss fetish, which i can work with on my terms. I can do this. For her and for myself.

#diary #digital diary #online diary

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the-100th-witch · 6 months

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Bloop just me rambling about my life

im driving 2 hrs away tomorrow for a bridal event (super excited for that aaaa) and then driving an hour to have coffee with friends on sunday (where we are all together minus one since she's going to school in a different state) then going to my grandma's as I drive back after. So a very busy weekend! But it's gonna be great!

so im just chilling today and doing some light tasks. I'm gonna have to go to bed super early tonight bc i gotta get up tomorrow and shower/put on my makeup and be out of the house at the latest 9am (but im hoping maybe 8am since traffic can be nuts)

im hoping my car doesnt fuck me over during the trip lol driving an hour is one thing but for some reason 2 hours is scary haha it's been going ok for the last few months (aside from the bumper half falling off)

bloop life rambling under readmore bloop

none of the bridal group is on tumblr (i think?) and they dont know me really but just in case haha under read more!

i was told that it's just gonna be me and one other person of the bridemaids attending. I'm glad im able to go (especially since in the past my jobs ran Tue-Sat with Saturdays being my busiest days) bc man that sucks! I don't know the other bridemaids super well and I understand life happens but idk just kinda sucks that you can't go to an event with the bride that already paid for your spot. But that's just me. I guess some of them knew right off the bat they couldnt go and then some others told her last minute. Again, i get that life happens but damn...

I guess that means I get to hog the bride's attention (along with the other bridesmaid who is super nice) loool~ I'll make it fun for her and we're gonna have a blast! The bride and I have been friends for 10 years! I'm kinda glad I didn't take on a new job just yet when I was laid off.

I had to move my test date again bc my mom needed my help with something on that day that she couldn't reschedule (nothing serious but it's important and hey, i dont mind kinda putting off that math test LMAO) so I rescheduled for November (after my friend's wedding). I'm getting mostly 40/50 on the practice tests (like 38/50 and 44/50 but I'm hitting my goal of at least 37/50 which is what I need to pass the damn thing) so I'm golden.

I think right after I pass and start getting all my ducks in a row I'll begin job searching (obviously) but also planning my next move (either I move out in the middle of 2024 and if that's still in cali or in another state and then i got to see get a different car etc etc). I kinda labeled this year as a recovery year lol like 2020-2022 were pandemic years for me and 2023 was just straight up "Recovery from the pandemic years". It was nice to finally slow down and take my time to refocus my goals and plans.

I really do think, though, that I want to move out of this area (and the state entirely) since it's been touch and go. I dunno what it is with Cali and I know moving to another state isnt a magical fix-it-all but I've out grown it here (plus the outrageous prices holy shit) I'd miss all my friends but I guess that's what video chatting is for lol and it gives my friends a reason to visit another state haha!

Labeling 2023 as a Recovery year kinda helps my "guilt" also. Like it was outta my control I was laid off (esp since everyone and their mom has been laid off this year) but ive been working since i was 18 and going to school so to have all that and then go to nothing at age 30 it was kinda of a shock. Of course...no one planned on a global pandemic either lol life's funny that way.

Either way I'm not out of the woods quite yet but im also not in a totally bad spot. But man i cant wait to pass this test and start sub teaching just to do something lol

#personal #rambling #i was getting everything ready for my trip tomorrow and thinking about the whole year of 2023 so heres my brain rambles #geez i was laid off in feb and now it's oct but ive done a lot of things ive put off due to work (like health and teeth things)#so im glad i took this year off to do that #i didn't think it was gonna take almost a whole year but that's just how things roll i guess #thank god i didnt just dive into a random job though i fell like that was just not a good idea #especially since ive done that pretty much all my life bc of that random guilt of being unemployed #like yea i wanna work and most ppl would say just get a job and then keep looking for your dream job but damn dude #im the type to get swept up in my job and it throws me off #i think though since ive been doing some soul searching and healing im not gonna fall into that trap again #but i mean im not hurting for cash right now esp since ive been house/pet sitting every month so i thought meh just keep studying #and house/pet sitting which is kinda a job lol #oops i rambled in the tags haha #ive been staying off tumblr to get my stuff done so ive built up my rambles lmaooo

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madafact · 11 months

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out of order

coming to a blog to document a moment over time really doesnt line up with the ending being the beginning.

but i guess in this time it feels apropoe? (sp) the end of my brother feels like the beginning of me, and i hate it. im sitting in his clothes, in his town, drinking his work, twirling his hair. if devastation was a pixel i would be a screen. i lament the grieving process and just hate the backsliding feeling of returning to the first step of disbelief. i really just can grasp that anthony is gone. its just not okay. it feels like i start my day with grief and crying, then i slowly find some semblance of strength maybe enough to make some coffee and space out on support from technology. then my mind starts racing about just how the fuck i am going to fill my day. the goals i cant come up with, the routine that seems to be absolutely void of ever existing. and then the grief and tears start all over.

i miss anthony so immensely. im balling as i write this. today as i stepped out his apartment after making sure i cleaned and left it in his image a beautiful husky walked up behind me and cooed at me several times and then proceeded to kiss my hand. this little action was what i promised myself i would use to get through the day. my quick small breif interaction with him. i was going to see my dad on long island to prepare for fathers day and just be close. this involved just retracing my steps back from where we stayed earlier in the week so my brain could handle the task, but still i jumped the turn styles on the subway to say fuck you to the city and got all the way to jamaica terminal. the signs and information boards there are garbage, i guess its the kind of place you have to fuck up to figure it out. i was staring at the wrong direction of the track and a lady and i started chatting about if it was the right way to what i assued was our shared direction. the topic of anthony came up, i mentioned my dads history in the medical industry, she turned out to be an MD who specialized in patient experience and was very intrigued by the whole goal of what my dad has initiated. it felt like anthony doing his magic once again. maybe lynne, maybe squeak, maybe all three. COULD YOU IMAGINE THE POWER OF A TONY LYNNE SQUEAK angel crew? holy fuck i better aim higher haha

anyyway im pretty drunk and its late i should wrap this up.

there was a ceremony in bolinas today for anthony. i think i was needing the support because in the evening i started going through old photos i had of him and all of a sudden i remembered about the date but was kind of sad i hadnt seen any photos or anthing.

just as i was saying to my dad that i wonder how it went, i check the feed and there he is. i then texted lauren and she sent me some more photos that she has just received. my heart filled up so much and i was immersed in the lament of not being able to be there but there reitertion of love an support just brought me to more....you guessed it..tears! sigh.

dogs are unique in their ability to sigh. and after losing anthony, i sigh SO MUCH! i literally just take deep breaths and just let it out. its so interesting. its almost like my breath is trying to mine sad coals out of my body to remove the weight. it will never work. i wont let it.

anyway im getting pretty side tracked by this mezcal. my dad and i went to get a nightcap and we drank some again, mezcal...duh. they were alright, but the second round they forgot and used tequilla. it was a stark contrast to the first round that was made properly.

anthony made the best food, drink and atmosphere. the other day it dawned on me that i would never eat his meals again and it just killed my apetite. like i never knew i could be so curious about food until i started getting to experience his touch. not to mention snaqaris.

holy fuck anthony. your impact has been amazing to watch. you touched so many people in such a fascinating way, i am in awe. absolute fan. forever holding you close and i promise you to keep your radiance as bright as i can.

LOVE YOU FOREVER ANTHONY

#ony

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psych0l0gical-effects · 1 year

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U11A2 TUE APR 11

Content:

-Meta-analysis: statistical analysis that combines to results of multiple studies - leads to higher statistical power!

-Meta-analysis advantages: higher generalizability, higher power, and publication bias can be investigated

-Studies have shown that screen media plays little role in mental health concerns (emphasis on little, also no evidence supports social media contributing to suicidal ideation or other mental health outcomes) OVERALL: media, social media, video games, etc. impacting mental health are not based in reliable data

-"Rewiring" children's brains from the internet is unlikely

- Internet activities do not impair social development in adolescence

-Children spending time online does not mean they won't spend time doing their other hobbies that are good for health and well-being (ie going outside)

-Students are less likely to remember specific information but remember where to find the specific information

-Neuroimaging studies have shown results in children who are excessive internet users, however, 95.6% of kids do not qualify as an "excessive user"

-Overall, there have been no results showing the internet has or has not had a profound effect on brain development

-digital tech benefits the social relationships of children

Reflection:

I found all of today's content informative and fun to engage with. I bolded one concept that I learned in the "Effects of Internet use on the adolescent brain: despite popular claims, experimental evidence remains scarce" study because of how much this relates to the real world, but not as much in high school. This is sort of a side tangent but this study really has me thinking about this! Throughout high school and college, I have studied for exams and have memorized a LOT of information. Some of this information, I would love to be able to cite some in a paper, or use it as a basis for my psychology research, however, I can't do that without citing it. And guess what? I have no idea where I learned that information- in a textbook that I bought for 1 semester? Im going to have to look it up anyways. It's also not applicable to many jobs. I work in cybersecurity and there are so many plays we run and tasks we do, we look up documentation for every single thing we do each day. Even my boss who has been working his job for 15 years doesnt know how to do everything by memory. Overall, I wish grade schools taught more about finding content, problem solving, and critical thinking over memorizing contnet. However, I know there are things we need to know such as history and such. Both are important.

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bakusay · 2 years

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Amortentia

| ɪɴ ᴡʜɪᴄʜ

Tom Riddle has a crush and learns something new

TW- no swearing, kissing, tommy is very ooc but as he should tho, Kinda AU-ish, fluffy. like really fluffy.

People born under Amortentia couldn't love. right? at least thats what every source that tom read told him. It wasn't until you came along, you who were also conceived under Amortentia, made him feel a human emotion. He didn't like it, the feeling of wanting to search for your breathtaking face , the feeling of jealousy and violence surging through his body at the mere mention of another male around you. You who was just another member of the sacred 28, you who smiled brightly and showered your friends in affections, you who merely acknowledged him with a nod, he wanted more. No. he needed more.

Moving from Beauxbaton after being Expelled was maybe the best thing that ever happened to you, sure people talked about the issue for what seemed like forever, but you knew your violence towards those girls was justified and thats all that matters. The meeting between you and Riddle was quite normal, you were turning a corner towards your class and he bumps into you, both of you apologise to each other and move on, well one of you did. You found friends in Slytherin, pure-bloods of course considering your family but friends none the less. Each day your encounters with Riddle increased, you guessed that you have matching schedules but the lingering looks and touches Riddle leaves behind says otherwise.

Tom after watching, or observing as he liked to call it, he realised a few things, You aren't the most morally white person (this was a good thing in his book), You liked to scrunch up your nose when your concentrating, and oddly you sparkle. yes, sparkle, He may or may have not written the word down in his diary for you. day by day his infatuation grows, his minds being diverted from his plans but he doesnt mind it. after weeks of coercing himself to finally put his pride aside (a very difficult task) and confess, he decided it was today, a raining and cold day to confess.

Potions was running smoothly, it was last class of the day, and Tom was readying himself the moment, you didn’t have any friends in this class therefore tom took the initiative to be your seat mate and potions partner (abandoning abraxas in the process). “Sir do we really have to pluck them out by hand?” you whined at slughorn as he instructed the class to do a prac today, the dirt was going to get into your nails and you really didn’t want that. You started working on the potion, as you were moving to the plant to pluck it out, a pair of veiny hands gently pushed in front of your hands to pluck the plant out. “i shall do it for you” he mutters as his hands start working on the plant, “Thank you Riddle” you say leaning against the counter to watch him work for you, “i always did believe i was meant to just sit pretty and let the men do all the work” you joked. a deep chuckle came out of him “That’s cute”. Cute?. a chuckle. from Tom riddle, you whipped your head around to make sure you’re not being deceived only to find a small smirk on his lips.

“I suppose it’s alright if you’re the pretty girl in question” he says while shifting his eyes to you, he turned his body around to place the plant on your table. “Thank you for your kind act good sir” you courtesy with a teasing grin, “the pleasure is all mine milady” Riddle bows back. His followers watching in shock as their lord bows to another person, only then did they realise how serious his feelings were for you.

the class has ended and you were packing up your things to meet your friends, you felt a tap on your shoulder only to see Riddle staring at you, “Meet me at the astronomy tower 11” he says in a whisper before smiling down at you and walking away. shocked is an understatement to how u felt. You knew that at some point Riddle harboured some feelings for you but you never expected him to act on it.

It was 11 and you were running late, chatting away with your friends had distracted you and now your left running through the hallways to Riddle. He’s been waiting there since 10:30, and when he finally sees you he felt his heart race again. his hands were getting sweaty and his head was spinning, “Make it quick Riddle,it’s freezing outside” you say wrapping your arms around yourself. “Y/N, i- i um” he stuttered. “i don’t know what you did to make me feel like this, but my hearts racing everytime i look at you, in fact i can’t seem to look away from you and maybe that’s the problem. i want to spend every minute of the day with you and it’s diverting me from my plans. i should be incapable of love so what did u do to me, i must know” he says finally looking into you eyes, only then did you notice how messy his hair was, how dark his under eyes were and how his tone sounded almost needy. how unlike him. It clicked. Tom riddle was in love with you. “Riddle, you’re a child of amortentia am i correct?” you take a step closer to him. he hesitates to answer but nodded. “You realise we who are born under love potion are still allowed to love, but only once. our love is found once in a lifetime. put simply one could say soulmates” you explain, his eyes widened. he felt like his world was crashing, everything he learnt was.. false? “Go brew some amortentia and if you still smell me then i can confidently say that your my soulmate” you said and you took a step back and left him to think. the confession wasn’t a suprise, you knew, and you knew you have gained feelings for him too, but unlike him you made sure to confirm he was your soulmate and you can only pray that he does the same.

Morning came quicker than expected, walking down the hallways to the great hall, you were pulled into a dark dead end. Riddle, again. “I did it” he said, his cold hands still resting on your wrist. “and you concluded?” you whisper. “you. i…love you” he muttered as he pulled you closer to him. “took you long enough” you said lacing your arms around his neck, his hands finding sanctuary around your waist. “you knew?“ he whispered back. you nodded. “If only you hadn’t wasted so much time stalking me and actually thought about it, maybe we would’ve been in this position weeks ago” you say while moving yourself closer to him. “let me kiss you” he breathed against you lips. a gasp left your lips, you hesitated but nod nonetheless. you felt his lips against yours, it was surprising gentle but showed his lack of control. his hands were pulling you closer to his body, to feel you, to reassure himself that you are not a fragment of his dreams.

you pull away first, opening your eyes to find a serene expression on his face. he rests his forehead against yours, smiling, “Marv” you whisper, he lets out a confused noise. “can i call you that?“, he sighs moving his face to nuzzle into your neck, “as long as your mine and i’m yours, you can call me anything you wish dearest.” maybe being born under amortentia isn’t a curse after all.

#tom riddle fluff #tom riddle x reader #harry potter #harry potter x reader #slytherin #tom marvolo riddle x reader #tom riddle #tom riddle x y/n #voldemort #voldemort x reader #tom riddle x you #ooc post #he’s a bit unlike him but that’s okay #this took me forever #~riddle

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cheri-translates · 3 years

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Hi hi Chery~ how are you doing? I hope you're taking care of yourself!

Today I am here to ask you two questions story-related since I'm a bit confused hehe😅

1) where does gavin's dad work? Is he the stf boss? (though I thought that was leto??) Jut what does he do for a living🤨🤨

2) do you happen to know why shaw refuses to see gavin but still seems to kinda hate his father at the same time? There are some chats that imply that he doesnt like speaking/thinking about his childhood and past, and if im not mistaken in one of his birthday stories as a child he avoided going home from school...

Thank you in advance for the answer!🥰🥰

Hello~ Hope you’re taking care of yourself too 🌻

I have no idea what’s going on most of the time so IT’S UNDERSTANDABLE 🤣

1) Gavin’s father is a Lieutenant General in NW Organisation, a pro-Evolver military force.

This is different from the Special Task Force, which comprises of agents who handle Evolver criminal cases!

2) Gavin and Shaw are not canonically siblings! Their relationship is just fan speculation (and one which is fiercely disliked by many in the CN community).

Papergames will unlikely make a firm statement on this because it’d lead to backlash, so just treat Gavin and Shaw as unrelated HAHA

His childhood is still a mystery (aside from the wholesome times he had in the antique store) - he mentioned in one of his early texts that he’s “no longer the giggling boy in the [childhood] picture” that MC found, so something angsty must have happened :<

I guess we can look forward to knowing more about Shaw’s childhood during his birthday r&s in June :>

3) I have no idea 😅 I kind of zoned out of the main storyline ever since Ch 10+, so you might want to ask someone else about this!

He’s definitely not in Black Swan now though! He’s being hunted down by them LOL

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4threset · 4 years

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SORRY FOR TAKING AGES RESPONDING!! you know how executive dysfunction be like hahahaha /hollow laughter. i’m putting all the questions in one post so it doesnt clog up anyone’s feed, i didnt expect so much feedback!

Answers Under the cut!

1. Go right ahead! The reason I’m drawing these comics in the first place is to share my own experiences and if it resonates with you then all the better! I hope you find ways to express yourself to your family!!

2. Thank you dear anon!! I’m really happy that a lot of people relate to it and understand my analogies. I was a bit worried about being too abstract about some of them. I hope you have a lovely day/night!

3. This one is a little longer since it’s mostly my own coping strategies

I don’t regularly take medication myself and only on a need to take basis when i really really really need to get work done. So the most game changing thing for me was finding out that you don’t have to do what is considered the “norm”

Finding ways to work around your condition is just as valid. Like if you have difficulty folding clothes, what you can do is get a bunch of hangers and hang all your clothes instead of folding them! I have a lot of problems sleeping because i find silence deafening, so what I do is that I leave my iPad charged during the night and have “Today I Found Out” on autoplay or some form of youtube playlist on autoplay while I sleep. I can’t sleep otherwise. I often forget to refill the ice tray in the fridge so instead I’ve taken to just buying a huge bag of ice. I’ve heard of others who struggle with keeping clutter and garbage seperate so they have a dustbin within arms reach in their apartment at all times. tl;dr if the norm doesn’t work for you then just do it your way if it helps you keep things in check!

4. LAUGHS I’M GLAD YOU RESONATE WITH MY ANALOGIES :D I had a lot of fun coming up with them!

5. Hello! I don’t mind at all as long as you mention/tag me :D Thank you for doing the voice-over!!

6. Hello! The cat is my Executive Dysfunction given form, so typically it’s whats preventing me from doing a stressful or important task. Like I mentioned before I don’t take my adhd medication all the time or daily (but some people do and its fine if you decide to!) I only take mine when i really want to get a lot of work done. So what happens is that the cat gets off my chest and sits in the corner and just meows at me. I can get up and DO THE THING now! But the cat will still be meowing at me to come back and be a pile of flub, only I can choose to ignore the cat now. The way I compare it’s effectiveness is when I’m unmedicated and I think about doing THE THING, my thoughts immediately whine and cry and go “ughhGHGHGHGH i DONT WANT TO DO THE THING!!!” and i just lay there and sulk. But when I’m medicated it’s more of “man...i REALLY don’t want to do THE THING but i guess I gotta” and I get up and do THE THING.

The way medication works is that it will gradually decline in effectiveness, so as it wears off the cat slowly climbs back onto my chest. Keep in mind that medication doesn’t work for everyone and you may have to go through a trial period of trying different types to see what works for you. I am NOT A DOCTOR. Some people decide to deal with their condition without medication and that’s fine! Other’s prefer to use medication daily or occasionally(like me!) So make sure you know and discuss with a professional about what works for you and how you want to approach this!

#yontalks #answers #anonymous #anons #delta-va #legionthecompaniongnoll #adhd #adhd tips #?#i think #long post

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randomfandomsstuffs-blog · 4 years

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Its done!!

The fic is officially completed and ready for y'all to read. Unfortunately it's giving me massive problems when it comes to actually posting it. I will have it up as soon as possible, but until I can get the full thing up enjoy this sneak peek!!

Better Together

Summary: 5 times Eddie sees Buck wearing his last name and 1 time its not just his.

Tags: 911 fox, Buddie, Evan Buckley, Eddie Diaz, Christopher Diaz, Firefam, wearing each other's clothes

(Before the sneak peek Im going to suggest you listen to the song "Better Together" by Luke Combs. I listened to it a lot while writing and it inspired quite a bit of the fic!)

To be fair Eddie had no idea that he would have the reaction he did upon seeing Buck wearing his clothes.

It started unexpectedly to say the least. They were out on a call, an apartment complex on fire, and Eddie and Buck had been instructed to clear the floors. It was only a small two level building and they were told that most of the tennants had gotten out long before the fire had even reached halfway through the first floor. Buck and Eddie were just finishing the last three rooms when he heard Buck's voice come crackling through the radio.

"Hey Eddie, I got a kid in the last room over here! You all good to clear the the building?"

Eddie gave the current apartment he was in one more sweep then pulled his radio up to respond to his partner. "All good Buck. Let's head out."

Eddie met up with Buck in the hallway and together they exited the building. Hen met them at the door to give the little girl a once over, deciding that other than some smoke inhalation she was okay. Buck and Eddie were tasked with sitting with the young girl while Hen went to grab her parents from a nearby ambulance. They had only just reached the nearest firetruck to lean against before he heard the soft sound of Buck's voice, the kind he reserved specially for dealing with frightened children.

"Hey Sweetheart, are you cold?"

Eddie looked down to find the young girl trembling in Buck's arms as she gave a small nod. Eddie could hardly blame her, tonight had to be one of the coldest nights he's known L.A. to have and here these people were, standing outside in their pajamas. Eddie had even taken extra care to wear a few more layers underneath his turnout gear. Sure he may regret it while he's inside the heat of a burning building, but in times like now as they stand outside to wait on the back up transport as the last of the fire is put out, he can't seem to find a single regret.

He watches as Buck has the girl stand up on her own before he slides out of the jacket of his turnout gear, then lightly drapes it across her shoulders. She instantly offers a small smile in Buck's direction, pulling it tight around her and snuggling deeper into it. Buck smiles gently at her and pulls her back into his lap.

Its at that moment the girl's mother and father come running around the side of the fire truck and zero in on her. Buck allows her to jump up from his lap and meet them halfway as they drop down to pull her into a hug, muttering 'thank yous' to the two firefighters behind her. Afterwards the family stays nearby, sitting against the back of one of the other fire trucks.

Buck and Eddie stay where they are across from them, sitting shoulder to shoulder on the front of their own fire truck as Hen and Chim finish their last check overs on the other tenants and Bobby gets an updated ETA on when more transport is to arrive. Buck stays quiet all the while, swinging his feet with a small happy smile on his face as he watches the little girl and her family.

At least, that is, until Eddie feels him start to shiver from where they are pressed together. Its at that moment that Eddie realizes that Buck had not prepared as Eddie had for the cold weather. Instead all Buck currently has to shield himself against the bite of the wind is his LAFD t-shirt, having given his coat away to keep the little girl warm.

"Dios Mio, Buck. Not even a long sleeve shirt? You knew it was going to be cold today." Eddie says, shaking his head fondly at Buck. Buck looks over at Eddie sheepishly before offering a small shrug.

"I thought about it, but then I decided against it because its like walking into an oven when we are on a call for a fire. I guess I didn't think much about the after part of it."

"Of course you didn't." Eddie chuckles lightly before he leans up a little to shrug his own turnout coat off. Without a word Eddie hands it over to Buck who opens his mouth to protest before Eddie interrupts him. " Take it Buck, I have an undershirt, t-shirt, and my sweater on. Besides, Cap said tranports' ETA was about 5 minutes out like...4 minutes ago. I'll stay warm long enough. You, on the other hand, are going to turn into an ice cube."

Buck lets out a loud laugh before conceding, reaching out to take the coat from Eddie and snuggle down into it, much like the little girl did with Buck's own jacket, before letting out a grateful sigh. "Thank you Eddie."

" Yeah, of course." Eddie responds. A few seconds later they hear the distant sound of approaching sirens from the requested extra transport.

"Buckley! Diaz!" Both of their heads turn automatically and to follow the voice of their captain, preparing themselves to follow the orders he gives out. "Help Hen and Chim round up the tenants for transport. Make sure the most severe injuries go first."

"Got it Cap!" Buck responds, sending a small salute towards Bobby as he hops down from the truck. Eddie stays one step behind him as the seek out the other two members of the team. Chim automatically grabs Buck and pulls him away to the other side of the lawn to help the people there. Eddie watches them go for a second before turning back to Hen.

" Alright boss, whatchya got for me?" Hen doesn't waste time in pointing him in the right direction and Eddie gets to work.

He doesnt think about his coat again again until after they have the last of the people loaded up. Eddie taps doors on the final ambulance as a signal that they can head out, more than glad that they have finally finished the job. It took longer to figure out where everyone was going and how to fit them all in the ambulances, even with the extras, than they thought it would and Eddie can feel the edges of the cold beginning to latch onto his bones with an icy grip. He rubs his arms as he walks around, eyes scanning the grassy front area and the fire trucks for any sign of his partner.

He finds him standing Chim near the firetruck. He has his head thrown back in laughter as they load the last of the gear back into the truck and he can see Chin wildly gesturing with his hands as he tells a story. Eddie can see a turnout coat clutched in one of Buck's hands, undoubtedly his own returned one that he hadn't bothered to switch back into instead of wearing Eddie's.

Eddie's body freezes mid stride. He looks Buck over again, still engaged in conversation though now he seems to be the one telling a story, and something warm settles heavily in Eddie's heart. It helps soften the icy edge of the cold. He'd try to deny it if anyone ever asked, but it certainly wasn't the fondness over his team that sent that feeling all the way to his toes.

No, instead it was from the way Buck smiled, the low rumble of his voice reaching Eddie though the words were incomprehensible from the distance he was parked at. It was the way Buck's own coat remained ignored and instead Eddie's was favored. The big yellow letters of "DIAZ" stretched across the back of the other man. It was the way Eddie's mind instantly whispered you know, the name actually suits him that sent Eddie stumbling to a halt, his heart stuttering before settling on a rapid pace.

He was only brought out of his stupor (more like starstruck staring) by his captain clamping a hand on his shoulder before asking him if he as ready to head back to the station. If it was accompanied by a knowing smile well....Eddie would deny that too.

(A/N: Even though this is just a small part of the big picture I would love any and all feedback. It helps a lot since this is my first time writing! Hope you enjoyed the sneak peek! )

#911 fox #buddie #evan buckley #eddie diaz #buck × eddie

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yoon-kooks · 5 years

Text

Witch Hazel- Pt.4

Pairing: Jungkook x Reader

Genre: FanficWriter!Jungkook, Idol!Reader, College!AU, Angst, Fluff

Summary: There are two students in your art class with a secret: you and the quiet Jeon Jungkook. You’re a problematic idol singer, infamous for your ice cold reputation and perpetual resting bitch face; he’s the artist and author behind the viral comic series based on a certain ice queen idol. After a blowup of destructive rumors, lost motivation and inevitable solitude, you stumble upon Jungkook’s comic and find a new and unexpected light.

Word Count: 3.5k

Warnings: none

Parts: 1 // 2 // 3 // 4 // 5 // 6 // ?

A/N: my hope is that the idol industry can one day become a safer place for those who have dedicated their lives to making others happy ❤️

“Let me guess, you’re the type who needs to feel needed but also pushes people away?”

“How would you know that, Bunny Boy?”

“It’s my power.”

“You have powers too?” Snow blinks her pretty blue eyes. “Can you read minds?”

“I certainly can’t read minds,” Bunny Boy laughs. “But I am pretty good at reading hearts.”

“Oh yeah? What’s my heart feeling right now?”

“Well for starters, you seem to be annoyed by me prying too deep.”

“You are annoying.”

“And you also think I’m kinda cute.”

“I do not!”

You giggle into your phone screen for the hundredth time as you read through the latest Witch Hazel update. With the reveal of another character with secret powers, you wonder what Snow will make out of him. A friend? An ally? Or perhaps just someone who gets her.

Beneath the last comic panel of Snow rolling her eyes at the unofficially named Bunny Boy, you find cute little comments from the author.

“all i hope is for snow to take care of herself during this hiatus”

“even if it’s only a tiny amount, maybe witch hazel can help supplement as new snow content for now;;;;;;”

“ah i didnt mean to sound as if i were anywhere near snow’s level or anything;;;;;;”

“i just hope she knows she doesnt have to carry any burden all on her own”

“she has people on her side”

Your face doesn’t know whether to smile or shed tears, so you do a combination of both. It’s true, you’ve always felt alone. Always. No matter how many staff members it takes to produce an album or how many fans buy that album, you’ve never once felt that people could look beyond your idol music, your icy eyes, your mask.

But that’s exactly why you’re taking a break. You need to separate your worth from the music attached to your name. You need to prove to yourself that you’re more than what the critics and magazines say. And you’re only realizing it now that you can’t do it alone.

If only you had your own jk.seagull in your life. You’re sure the two of you would mesh well together.

“Where is that kid?” Taehyung pats the empty seat next to him before class starts. “He never skips class. I remember one time he literally rejected a date with a super cute girl because he ‘had to get to class’. Can you believe that?”

“Knowing Jungkook, I’d believe it,” you shrug. It does feel oddly empty without his presence, though.

“Oh really? You know all there is to know about the mysterious phenomenon that is Jeon Jungkook? It sounds like you guys got real acquainted on that date the other day.”

“It wasn’t a date, Taehyung. It was a meeting for a group project that you didn’t show up to.”

“Well it all evens out since Jungkook didn't show up today. Who knows, maybe you won’t show up tomorrow.”

“I’m sure he has a good reason for being absent. Unlike you.” You have to admit, it does worry you a little. Especially after the hints of doubt Jungkook expressed about his own beautiful art. You wish he knew how amazing of an artist he really is.

“What are you talking about? My reason was valid.”

“Having your cock sucked for five hours straight is not a valid reason, by the way.” You roll your eyes. “Let me guess, today you have a threesome scheduled after class and dinner date at 5?”

“Ouch, you don’t have to be so harsh, Y/N.” Taehyung pretends to be offended, but he doesn’t deny your comment either. “You’re really his type, you know.”

“I’m whose type?”

“Jungkook’s.”

“Where is this coming from all of a sudden?”

“I’ve said this before, but you’re a lot like Snow.”

“How?”

“In how you present yourself,” Taehyung says. “You and her both come across as cold and heartless, but somehow I don’t buy it.” He doesn’t buy what? That you’re just as much of a bitch on the inside too? Ha.

“Jungkook must have weird taste then,” you shrug. Because in your opinion, you’re not exactly an easy person to love.

“But-” Taehyung is cut off by the professor starting class. You don’t know what more he could’ve said to make you change your mind anyway.

“There won’t be any lecture for today’s class.” Your professor is busy typing away at her computer, perhaps trying to get caught up on paperwork and grading old assignments. “Instead, I want you all to take this time to work on your group projects. You may leave the classroom if you must, but remember to stay on task!”

With that, your classmates jam out of the room as if they were just freed from prison. You hear a couple of friends deciding which boba place to try out. Another group, the overachievers of the class, head somewhere outside to actually work on the project. Taehyung, too, looks as if there’s somewhere else he needs to be.

“So I-”

“Go ahead and get laid,” you sigh, shooing the boy away with your hand. “We’ll work next time when all three of us are here.”

“Thanks, Y/N! You get me,” Taehyung waves bye before dashing off.

You wave back as the hall clears out around you. It seems everyone else has found somewhere to go. Everyone except you.

But it’s fine. You’re fine.

Buzz! You jump at the sudden phone notification that seems to echo off the walls of the empty hall. Oh look, it’s a text from your only friend.

10:32AM jinnie❤️ “good morning ^O^// just checking in on you”

10:33AM jinnie❤️ “how are you holding up with everything?”

“I’m fine!” you mumble rather aggressively to yourself, sliding your ass down onto the filthy hallway floor before texting back. Your chunky guitar case sits in your lap like a baby so it doesn’t get dirty.

10:34AM Y/N “i miss seeing you at work everyday :((((”

10:34AM Y/N “lololololol jk”

10:35AM Y/N “fuck work, am i right”

10:36AM jinnie❤️ “Y/N”

10:37AM Y/N “😒”

10:37AM Y/N “im fine”

10:38AM jinnie❤️ “thats exactly what people say when theyre not fine”

But you are fine. You’re completely fine with sitting all alone in an empty hallway, texting your only friend who also happens to be your manager.

10:39AM jinnie❤️ “what are you doing now?”

You pick up your guitar and start walking away. Obviously, you can’t tell him what you were actually doing because it would worry him too much. But you can’t lie to him either.

10:41AM Y/N “if you really must know”

You wait until you arrive at your new location before answering Seokjin’s million-dollar question. You’ve found your place.

10:45AM Y/N “im practicing in the music room before my theory class starts”

He sends you the Surprised Pikachu meme but also a few supportive comments.

10:46AM jinnie❤️ “good luck!”

10:46AM jinnie❤️ “and if you ever need something, please reach out to me!”

10:47AM jinnie❤️ “ill be checking in on you every now and then, but please enjoy your time off~”

10:48AM Y/N “thank you seokjin”

With your manager off your back, you settle into the empty music classroom and pull your trusty guitar out of its case. The flat and out of tune strings remind you of how long it’s been since the last time you touched the guitar. Because despite carrying it around wherever you go, it’s all for show.

In all honesty, you’re too afraid to let others hear, and yet, part of you wants them to know. You want them to know you’re an artist in your own right—without the judgment. But that’s asking for too much from this cruel world. Especially when you know you aren’t there yet.

One by one, you turn the pegs on your guitar, fine tuning each string by ear. That’s always been your secret talent, and maybe that’s how you’ve never been off-key since the moment you said your first words. If there was one thing you had going for you as an idol, it was that.

Once all the strings are tuned, you just sit there, staring at your fingers curved naturally in the C chord position. The muscle memory is still very much ingrained in you, but so are the scars. The last time you actually held your guitar, you were told you weren’t good enough. So you ended up settling for something else.

Today, however, you want to change that. You shouldn’t let several people’s opinions determine what you can or can’t amount to just because they were the professionals of the industry who supposedly “knew” what they were doing. They didn’t know you then, and they certainly don’t know you now. They don’t even know your real name.

But that’s okay. Having a secret identity makes you feel as though you can someday become a true superhero, someone who makes the world a better place from behind the scenes. In that sense, you want to be someone like your current favorite person on the internet, jk.seagull. You don’t know him, nor do you know his real name.

All you know is that his craft makes you happy.

With the funny fanfic boy in mind, you glance up to make sure the coast is clear before taking your first strum. Despite the dullness of your old worn-out strings, what your ears hear is crisp and bright.

You aren’t sure how much time has passed since you began singing along to a melody only you know, but you’re suddenly pulled back into reality with a single mention of her from outside the classroom.

“What do you think about the Snow news?”

“It’s honestly sad.”

“With how little she contributes to her music, I really don’t think she deserves a break.”

“She should just keep going. How hard is it to sing a few songs? I hope she knows she’s letting a lot of people down just so she could relax.”

“Or better yet, she should just retire early.”

You set down your guitar on the piano bench. You’ve heard quite enough and you’re ready to slam the door on the noisy group passing by. But by the time you peek your head out from the crack, the group is already at the other end of the hall. You do, however, find a surprise sitting right outside the music room.

The boy who was supposedly too sick to come to class is too busy sketching away to notice you staring at him.

“How long have you been sitting out here?”

The tiny hairs on the back of the boy’s neck stand up as his drawing hand freezes at the sound of your voice. He turns around, looking up at you as if he’d been caught doing something he shouldn’t have been doing.

“Since I started sketching.” Jungkook shows you a simple yet pretty drawing of a flowery spring field. By his art standards, it couldn’t have taken him long to draw that one page.

But it isn’t until you start flipping through the rest of the pages in the sketchbook that you realize he’d been sitting there for quite a while. Each page is similar to the last with only slight differences in between. When you fly through the pages like a flipbook, you see the whole picture.

From the first sketch of spring flowers, snow slowly covers the field until only a single flower remains in a winter wonderland. If you go in reverse, you can watch as the snow melts away until that one flower disappears amongst its brethren.

“What kind of flower is that?” You point to the one that somehow managed to blossom through the thickness of the snow. Maybe if it were colored in, you’d have a better idea.

“A strong one?” Jungkook shrugs as if he’s not the artist who knows the the answer. You hate yourself for cackling along at his lousy joke. He closes his sketchbook as a way to change the subject. “Why aren’t you in class?”

“Funny you should ask. The professor dismissed our class to work on the group projects. And then Tae ditched to go do his usual skirt-chasing shenanigans because somebody in our group didn’t show up.”

“Sorry,” the boy bites his lower lip with a hint of regret. “I didn’t really feel well enough to sit in class today.”

“Then why didn’t you just stay at home?”

“I still had this project to turn in and finish for my other class.” He raises his sketchbook. “And besides, music is the best medicine.”

You feel your cheeks burning up. The last person you expected to catch you messing around with your guitar in the music department was the art student who was supposed to be out sick. “How much did you hear…?”

“All I heard was one song…” He assures you for a slight second before going in for the kill, “…that you kept replaying over and over and over-”

“I get it. You heard a lot,” you hiss. “You better not tell anyone! Not even Tae.”

“I won’t,” he promises, chuckling at your distress. It seems the kid’s gotten comfortable enough around you to start clowning you. “It’s a nice song, by the way.”

“Really?” You want to believe him, but you have a hard time doing so. When all you’ve heard was brutal criticism for the past few years, it’s difficult to accept any compliment without feeling like there’s ill intent behind it. It feels wrong to feel good about yourself.

Besides, maybe he’s just complimenting you out of obligation. Like he’s trying to be nice, even if he doesn’t actually feel that way about your song.

“I’ll burden the pain so you don’t have to,” he says.

“What?”

“That’s a line from the lyrics, right?”

You nod.

“It’s a very Y/N thing to say.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

Jungkook shrugs and swirls his Sailor Venus keychain around his index finger. “Just take it as a compliment, Y/N.”

If not for his soft teasing smile, your mind would still be filled with doubt. Instead, you accept the compliment and gain a tiny bit of confidence back.

“Come in for a second,” you start walking back inside the music room. “And close the door behind you.”

Jungkook does as he’s told, his eyes glued to your guitar as you pick it up off the piano bench. There, you do something you’ve never practiced but had always hoped to perform as Snow—your own acoustic version of one of your songs.

It doesn’t matter that you’ve never practiced or touched your guitar in years. You know the key, the chords, the strum pattern. And you know how to make it your own. Not Snow’s or anyone else’s.

When you’re done with your mini acoustic performance, the boy can’t help but chuckle. He’s about to clown you again. You can feel it.

“What??”

“It’s nothing.”

“Jungkook.”

“It’s seems like you don’t hate Snow as much as you lead on.”

“I was only trying to show how I would’ve done the song if I were her.”

“Ah, so you criticize Snow so much because you think you can do better?”

“Not necessarily better… just differently.” You hope that answer is enough to satisfy the boy. But it’s not. He only nods with an awfully suspicious smirk. “What now??”

“It’s cool that you want to be a songwriter.”

“I never said that I did,” you say with a slight pout and hmph. You’ve never once mentioned your true dreams to anyone besides maybe some random kid at camp when you were ten. You’d hate to announce your bold aspirations with the utmost confidence, only to flop and fail before achieving anything. You’d rather keep it a secret until you perhaps “pop-off” as the kids say.

“Sure.” He doesn’t believe you.

“Are you always this sassy when you’re sick?”

His long locks flow as he shakes his head. “I’m feeling better now, actually. Thanks to your medicine.”

Maybe the kid was faking his sickness all along. Then again, Taehyung did say Jungkook wasn’t the type to skip class under most circumstances. Perhaps there was something else that was bothering him.

“Wait, you weren’t upset about Snow’s hiatus, right?” You remember the gossip from the noisy group that had passed by earlier. The beating you took from their words still stings.

“To be honest, I was worried about her at first with everything that went on,” Jungkook says. “But I think she probably just needed some time away from all that.”

“Probably,” is all you say, doing your best to downplay the amount of relief his words gave you. He isn’t upset or let down; he just wishes the best for your well-being. And as an idol, that’s all you’ve ever asked for. “You know, you’re the nicest Snow fan I’ve ever met.”

“You know a lot of other Snow fans?” Jungkook tilts his head at your odd statement. Oh right. You’ve only really met other fans as Snow, not as Y/N. Now you sound suspicious.

“Oh yeah, for sure. My friend, Seokjin, reads Snow smut all the time,” you force out a laugh while making a mental apology to your manager. Then you decide it’s best to change the subject before you blow your cover. “Speaking of fanfiction, I need your opinion on Witch Hazel!”

“What about it?”

“The new bunny character.” You whip out your phone for direct reference of the comic. “He’s funny, right?”

“He’s good at teasing Snow,” Jungkook looks at your phone screen of the bunny saying that Snow thinks he’s cute. “I wonder if he’ll make her fall for him.”

“I want him to.” Your eyes light up without knowing. To have Snow fall in love is wishful thinking, but a large part of you craves romance deep down—even if it’s only for the fictional version of yourself. “But at the same time, he’s not Snow’s type.”

“What’s Snow’s type?”

“Huh?” You somehow managed to fuck up again, so you shrink yourself and hope to disappear. “I don’t know… Why would I know what Snow’s type is…? It’s probably not a playboy like the bunny, but I wouldn’t know that…!”

“So you think she’d like someone more… considerate?”

You nod. “Probably just someone who takes the time to get to know her.”

“I guess we’ll see in the upcoming chapters.”

“I’m looking forward to it.” You can’t quite hold back a smile. After all, your day always feels a lot better when it involves your favorite little comic.

Jungkook must’ve noticed your face because he makes a comment. “I am curious, though, as to why you like Witch Hazel so much when you clearly don’t care for Snow herself.”

“For me, it has nothing to do with Snow.” To mask your smile, you make a cute duck face instead. “Reading it just… makes me happy.” As much as you’d hate to admit it, it’s been a long time since anything has given you good vibes the way that one comic does.

“That’s good,” the boy says, gathering his things to head to his next class. “It’s the same for me with Snow’s music… in case you were wondering.” And with that, he leaves you with something to think about.

If Snow’s music is Jungkook’s medicine, Witch Hazel is yours.

By the time you get home from school, you’re still smiling like an idiot after what Jungkook had said. Snow’s music makes him happy, and the mere thought of that makes you happy. It’s in (very rare) times like this that you remember why you chose to become an idol in the first place. It’s why you endure the pain.

With your mind clouded in an unfamiliar wave of emotion, you pull out your phone and tap on Jungkook’s contact information. After changing his contact name to something cuter, you start composing a casual message just to say hi.

Jungkook. What if I told you a secret?

Delete. You’ve never deleted a message so quick. You don’t even know which secret you would’ve told the boy. That you’re his crush, Snow? Or that he’s yours? Not that you have a huge crush on him… You swear it’s just a tiny one!

Regardless, you shouldn’t be sharing any of your deepest secrets with him—at least not for now. It’s not that you don’t trust him. It’s just that it’s a tricky situation to be in.

Your eyes move from your guitar, to the stacks of handwritten sheet music beside it, to the album that won you your first award—where the pain all began. Even the most supportive fan could not imagine what you’ve given up to be the idol that you are, to be someone with a name.

The only thing you can do now is take it all back. And only then will you let Jungkook in. But until that time comes, you don’t belong to him or anyone else.

4:44PM Snow “Are you free to talk?”

4:46PM Jimin “Yeah”

#bts scenarios #bts fanfic #bts angst #jungkook fanfic #btsboulangerie #bts fluff #bts imagines #jungkook x reader #bts college au #bts idol au #jungkook #bts #bangtan #witch hazel

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neonwizardheehee · 3 years

Text

since today seems to be a day of rants have another one:

I don’T know why I still can’t bring myself to work.

am I just too lazy? in my mind all will be fine when in reality i haven’t written smth good.... thought it might be bc i don’t have ANY pressure. with my thesis i had smth at least and my sis and irl friends to keep me up. and now i obv dont. idk why it doesnt work online as well as it used to. mayeb I’m too goot at tricking my brain? have i come too accustomed to doing nothing? i thought about shutting down my phone for a few hours but... insta is still on my laptop accessible T.T and it feels weird to not have it open. but i guess that’s smth i can work on - to be present in going “offline” and work. as much as i love being online 24/7.... i cannot focus properly like this i have to acknowledge that and focus on fixing that. bc i know i love uni ... so why am i not doing it? it’s not even that i have too mcuh stuff going on ... so it had to be the fact itself that i’m being “online”.

- > be THERE for going offline

next thing is food...again i know and i hate it

i thought i had put my ed behind me.... learned better ways and accepted my body as it is. well.. joke’s on me bc as of now I’m at my lw for 7 years or smth. and i didn’t even diet. but i know that I’m eating shitty. bc of my t1d i don’T really have an appetite anymore (meaning i don’T pay it any attention) but now i don’T even get hungry. I can’T eat as much as i used to...which was a low normal amount i’d say. so yes it’s bad. and usually it fixes itself once i recongized this and figured out how to not do that anymore. not this time tho????? I’m tired all the time, I don’t have motivation or strength to do anything. I’m afraid to do sports T.T i don’t want that!!! last year it took me half a year to healthily loose 3kg and now when i think... i might’ve even lost more in the last 2 T.T that is so so scray T.T i wanted to do research and one tiktok kicked me even more back into that ed fear. tbh i just want to cry. i don’t want to loose my energy! why am i so afraid of doing sports? idk why i just can’T bring myself to eat - i fucking love eating???? coffee and sometimes cheese is the only thing i look forward to sometimes - the rest is just “ugh i gotta eat” T.T that is not me - that never was me T.T why now huh? T.T shit is so personal i dont even know who and what to ask tbh... i’m so scared and i don’t even know why T.T maybe it’s a mental thing?

the last month kicked me really mentally with the semester ending, me missing my friends, me recognizing how bad 2021 will be and how much of my usual self i lost bc i can’T bring myself to do the things i used to love. T.T

tbh the only thing that keeps me happy is talking to my girl and making memories with her. altho the missing is real - that’s new for me too and maybe i’m reacting more badly than i thought. or i just got too much into my head with all the ffs i’m reading as a coping mechanism. maybe watching gotham fucked me up more then i imagined. who knows. not me.

today i downloaded and food tracker app again and i already want to cry. bc i wanted to hurt myself more i checked the history of that app and wow I’m sad again. idk why IDK WHY this is happening. pls let me just work on my papers and enjoy my time with my girl???? why do i have such sad thoughts? T.T

when i tried to explain my uni problem to my parents they said to make myself a schedule and goals - and i wanted nothing more than to cry bc i know i cannot do that.

i think i’m slowly realizing that for me life before was better - before everyone cared about mental health - u only had to be a functioning human and be the best . that was smth i liked to do and i was good at it. now after the issues kept piling up and got names.... it get’s more scary for me since i find excuses to be not-functioning. whether it’s uni, t1d or sports .. practically anything T. T

now everything seems like a chore i can do but don’t have to do. and thus i don’T do it T.T how did i become like that? how can i change back?

thing is idk what my problem is. so i cannot ask for help even tho i want to and i know sb would help me. but idk what to ask since i became too good in downplaying......everything???

the other thing is... i have so many good things in my life?????? why can’T i focus on them? why do i feel the need to be miserable? that doesn’t make sense to me!

so another idea i have to fix this is give myself a new task. and not a task i do for myself (like make myself food to eat) but to do smth for others again! seeing it as i work better when others have expectations for me and i work around them to fulfill that - i want to do that again. instead of putting off posting o insta i should bring myself to post again and good content at that. so tell me to cook u smth for dinner or bring wine for a night out - i can make sure to do my uni work before and have brought wine and food! even dressed up bc it’s smth for you! bc even if i don’T care - you do and i should use that for myself.

i want to be powerful and cool again - and i want to be really proud of my achievements and not bc i got lucky or know the right people and are manipulative enough to make people say what i want to hear :P

(fun fact: while writing this i had “my demons” had been playing in the beginning and in the end it was “when you’re evil” so that prob explains a lot hahahah XDDD no I’m onto Alaska Thunderfuck so HELL YES BIICHES)

#idk where i wanted to go with that at all #ig i just needed to write that out #at least i feel better now that it's out #personal rant

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seaspaces27 · 5 years

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bfb and mechanical minds

in bfb, objects come in many different forms and shapes. today, we will be looking at a specific set of objects: tv, robot flower, remote, and roboty.

what these specific objects have in common is that they're mechanical minds, but it doesnt just stop there.

when i hear the phrase “mechanical minds”, connotations like technology, robotics, and ai, start to come up. the last one in particular interests me. are the mechanical minds some form of advanced artificial intelligence?

This is what golfball had to say about mechanical minds when choosing her team members in bfb1. what shes implying here is that mechanical minds are smarter than non-mechanical objects, but is this true? and if so, how exactly?

well, to answer all these questions, we first need to know what makes a mechanical mind a mechanical mind

1. structure the structure of a mechanical mind relates to machinery, whether this be as an electronic appliance or as robotic materials(e.g. metal, led lights, etc). in some cases, this can be beneficial, as roboty was able to survive being hit by a jawbreaker

2. compute mechanical minds are shown to be able to make computations

theyre able to take input data (”turn purple!”), process them(set screen to purple), and give off an output (display purple). this is a trait that is common in computers. with this ability, they can also make calculations

in bfb6, tv was able to calculate and display the votes of who was to be eliminated in the team beep. what he did here is a task that i think would be very difficult for non-mechanically minded objects (as well as humans) to achieve. the fact that he computed (or at the very least, estimated) the votes to such exact values, plus his history of calculating votes in bfdia, shows that he must have been using an algorithm or some sophisticated neural network that he’s perfected with time.

3. connect to the internet..? remember abntt in bfb7? as they were stuck on the moon, they weren't able to directly compete in the competition, so they did it indirectly, by controlling remote through robot flower.

ethics aside, this shows us that mechanical minds are capable of sending data to other mechanical minds

you can kind of imagine it as an internet connection between networks. below is a visualisation i made of how such a topology would look like:

tennis and basket ball send inputs to robot flower, who converts it to signals that the ship can send across to remote via the place robot flower(from now on, i’ll just refer to it as the internet) went to.

on a side note: perhaps the internet seems to be quite unknown to the mechanical minds? judging by how robot flower seems to be a bit confused upon entering the place.

this however, may not apply to remote. she defended herself by trying to send a bomb over to her hackers, which, quickly took a turn once rf closed the connection. at first this might seem like no big deal, but the fact that shes even able to send a bomb (and in a short amount of time, too) over shows that she has some knowledge/experience of the internet, and more possibly, herself, and how she works.

on one other side note about the internet. in the episode, you can see white star grid-like points moving in constant directions, moving pass a central area. could that be travelling data unrelated to robot flower and remote? and if so, would it mean the bfb universe isn't as quiet as we expect it to be?

4. sentience mechanical minds are, without a doubt, sentient. they can make sense of the world from their unique point of view, and experience the world

from the perspective of a designer or automator, this would be good, as the mechanicals dont have to act on simple if statements, but instead, make their own logical choices(whether by neural networks or whatever). however, with the ability to make decisions and experience things, comes the ability to feel emotions, and these emotions can have an effect on decision making, which can cause mechanical minds to make irrational decisions.

for example, the situations remote and robot flower went through in the screenshot above. i spoke about this last post with remote, where she had a choice of going against her teams morals by killing, or lose the challenge and have her body hacked. robot flower was also in a difficult dilemma, where she had to choose between killing everyone on the moon, or going against gb’s earlier instruction by closing the connection (may i add that its a bit ironic how remotes the one who sends a bomb instead of following her teams passive morals while rf valued the safety of her friends over the challenge).

in both instances, these two minds have demonstrated that they are not only capable of feeling emotions like fear and pressure, but that theyre also able to think for themselves. they can deviate from their original instructions and make a choice based on their own individual experience.

sentience is not a feature that differentiates mechanicals from non mechanicals. they can have this regardless, however, for such a thing to be possible in mechanical minds means that theyre a very very advanced form of machinery. if you hooked these machine minds up to a turing test, they'd pass it with ease

the answer now, to actually answer the question. are mechanical minds smarter?

well, in terms of computation, being able to calculate things faster than anyone else can come in handy.

in terms of internet access, it can be seen as a huge advantage. what abntt did in bfb7 may have failed, but it was really smart and creative. im surprised they havent used this technique more

there isnt much to say about structure, except that it helps make the mechanical minds capable of computation and internet access

in terms of sentience, thats where im not so sure. on one hand, you can make your own logical choices and do what you think is best, but on the other hand, your emotions can make you do irrational things? so i guess it cancels out..

overview but in general, i think there arent that many perks to being mechanical. the closer mechanical minds come to emulating non-mechanic behaviour, the less of a difference there is between the two.

however, despite this seeming non-difference, we still get objects forming dichotomies and opinions about them.

#battle for dream island #bfb #bfdia #bfdi #battle for bfdi #mechanical minds

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pastel-bullet-101 · 4 years

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Part 7

The words that came out of his mouth hit me hard I'll be honest but he has a point. If I wanna get information I'll need to be with the others but I took what he said into consideration. He said I would no longer get help from him. So this is his way of helping though its harsh he does seem genuine and if this exercise works I'll have better control over my quirk. How hard can it be anyway? "So what's your answer?" I looked up to Mr. Aizawa. "I would rather have better control before joining back in the regular class. I wouldnt want to put them in danger." Aizawa gave me a slight nod. "Good that's what a hero would do I'm glad you know to put others safety over your pride." Is that a compliment? Doesnt matter he then begins to walk out the door. "Once you have it down come fetch me in the teachers lounge. Then again I doubt you'll get it today." With that he left and closed the door. After a while I look over the the plank of wood. Alright it cant be that bad. I slowly step up onto the plank. Ok so I just have to jump and land without shattering it. I got to jump but then stop myself. The force then made me fall off. Landing on my behind with a thud. "Shit!" I gently rub my behind. "That's definitely a bruise." The more I think about it the more impossible the task seems to be. How do I jump and land but without using enough force to shatter it? "Uhhggg" I begin to scratch my head out of frustration. Is this even possible? Is this his way of getting me out of the other classes? No. No. No I can do this. I just need to stop doubting myself and do it. I fix up the wood and such because my tumble caused the contraption to fall apart slightly. I get back onto the plank of wood keeping my balance. Ok just jump and land without causing enough force to shatter it. Just jump and land without causing enough force to shatter it.Just jump and land without causing enough force to shatter it.Just jump and land without causing enough force to shatter it. I jump up and land hard onto the wood and it shatters into pieces. Causing another rough blow to my behind. Damn it! I look ok very to the shattered plank. Ok I need to revert it quickly before my time runs out. I quickly grab all of the shards. I close my eyes. Ok breathe in breathe out. Visualize the plank. I let the shards slowly fall out of my hand so the plank has room to form. Breathe in breathe out and. "Revert!" I open my eyes back to the shatters. "Oh come on!" Ok I can just try again.

Nothing. "Aw come on I really dont want to go across campus." I let out a exaggerated sigh. I'm desperate and start bargaining with the shards." Come on please revert back? I'm sorry I shattered you so give me a chance okay?" I try again aaaannnnd.

Nothing. "Come on please work!" Little did I know while I was yelling at inanimate objects Mr. Aizawa was outside the door listening in laughing at my failed attempts. He soon retreats but not before yelling out. "By the way you can only get one peice of wood at a time." He then chucked at the groan of defeat behind him. He already was hopeful to see the progress she's going to make.

Okay I can do this I mean how hard can it be really?

"Wow back so soon? What's that like five times in the past half hour?" I felt like I was coughing up a lung by the time I made it to the wood workshop. I have been unable to fix that peice of stupid wood so after the second peice of wood I kinda stopped trying to fix it and work on landing on the wood without breaking it. "Yeah, I haven't been having much luck." The boy smiled back at me. "What makes you go through so much wood? I'm starting to get freaked out." He handed me a new peice with a small chuckle. The boy in question was Izumi Kotamon he's in class 2-C. "Its this training my teacher gave me and every time I mess up I have to get a new peice of wood and I'm coming from the far gym so it's a bit tough." I scratch slightly at my scalp. "Oh yeah your in the hero course right? Must be tough." I let out an small laugh. "Well I gotta get going I'm sorry to cut this short but I'm losing time." Izumi's face flushed a bit.

"R-right I get it... I mean your in hero class so it must be important." I the started slightly jogging away. "Yeah but I'll probably see you soon." I gave him a slight wave and begin to run back to the training room. My lungs were already beginning to give out. I guess this is one way to build up endurance. The more I think about it the more I realize that this training once done properly could really help me.

BUT WHAT IF I NEVER GET IT RIGHT??

"What the hell?!"

Shit. I really need to stop daydreaming.

"Crap sorry I should've been paying more attention."

"Yeah no shit."

Huh? I look to see who I ran into and it's none other than the maniac himself.

Bakugou Katsuki.

I look at him and notice he's pretty beat up and he is in his hero costume. "Wow you dont look to good."

He then looked at me with an extremely menacing glare. Shit I didnt mean to say that out loud. Well to late to back down now. "I mean your um scars look bad you should probably make your way to the nurse-"

"Who the hell are you to tell me to do anything!" He then shoved past me. "Are you serious! I was trying to be nice asshole!" He whipped his head back around.

"The fact that I even wasted my time on a stupid extra like you is me being nice!" He then huffed and stomped away. What a self righteous prick. I took a gaze over at the clock. Shit I wasted like 15 minutes.

Jeez I cant believe that guy. Just thinking about him makes me angry. And the fact he actually isn't that bad of a looker makes me even more pissed. Like if your gonna be an asshole at least have the decency to look like a peice of shit.

I mad either to the training room that I learned how to hate pretty fast. I dont even think it's possible to do? And if it is can I even do it? I place the wood back to its Oh so familiar spot and let out a breath. "How the hell am I even supposed to do this?"

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