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svnflowervol666 · 4 years

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Ma Petite Chérie: Christmas Then (Harry Styles x fem!Reader)

Read more from this little universe, Ma Petite Chérie, in my masterlist!

Word Count: 6k

Summary: It’s the happiest time of the year, but it couldn’t be more miserable for Harry and Y/N.

Author’s Note: Reupload because it wasn’t working in the tags! Here is the first of two Christmas bits for Harry, Y/N and Tallulah! I’ve told you all that I planned on writing about Harry and Y/N breaking up early on in their relationship, so I decided to add a little Christmas spirit into the mix in honor of the season. I promise, the next part isn’t this sad. I always feel like I’m not that great at writing angst, mostly because it hurts my heart too much, but I hope I did this story enough justice. Feedback is greatly appreciated, it helps to keep me going and to write things that you guys actually want to read. Any who, enjoy! The next part will be up by the end of the month. Take care and TPWK.

Harry had never thought that a night out with his colleagues would cost him his world. It was supposed to be a celebration of another successful year at his job, nothing more. It was supposed to be dinner, a few rounds of whiskey with his team, and an early night back to the two girls he loved the most who waited impatiently for his return. It wasn’t supposed to be a trip to the club, where the bass in the speakers replaced Harry’s own heartbeat and made his mind temporarily forget where his priorities lied. He thought that he’d only be there long enough to not seem like an uptight asshole that didn’t care to have any fun, but alas. Harry can be quite the pushover, and quickly slipped into that inedbriated state that often persuades you to do things you know you shouldn’t.

Harry had certainly thought wrong.

Y/N, on the other hand, was only supposed to be gone long enough to clear her head. Steam was practically billowing out of her at lightspeed the night this all happened. It would later be referred to as “The-Incident-That-We-Don’t-Speak-About-Because-It’s-Painful-Too-Even-Think-About” in the future, but right now, it consumed her. Every little detail of that night and the argument that followed haunted her like a reoccurring bad dream that she couldn’t shake. The way he smelled like cigarettes from keeping his coworkers company on the club’s smoking patio, the way his eyes were glassy from one (or two) ((or three)) too many shots of tequila, the way he yelled at her. She had assured him that all she needed was time to think, and then she’d be back to talk. At the time, she had told him that she quite frankly didn’t want to even be in the same postal code as him, so she left. All that was in the duffle bag she packed in four minutes flat was her toothbrush, face wash, and enough clothes to get her through the weekend while she cooled off at her friend’s apartment.

She didn’t plan on being gone for sixteen days.

A lot had occurred to her in her time away from Harry. One, was that this was the first time they had fought. Ever. She’d always wondered if her time with Harry would ever stop feeling like a fairytale that only existed in novels and storybooks. Everything about the two of them was picture-perfect from its conception, and had somehow only gotten sweeter as the years had passed. She firmly believed that they weren’t like everybody else, those that put on a charade around others, but were unbearably miserable in private. She had started to think that maybe it was supernatural, the way that they fit together so perfectly that she thought no one else on the planet could make her feel the way Harry does, perfectly complete and peaceful. But it was turning out to be as simple as the age-old saying, life is not always rainbows and butterflies.

Two, was this really what Y/N wanted? She didn’t give it a second thought when it came to Harry having a child, quickly stepping into the role of being someone important in Tallulah’s life. And Harry let her, too. As cautious as he is about who he involves his daughter with, it was almost scary the way he let her in and allowed her to love and care for her. Yes, scary. Scary, because children are permanent and they are hard work and they include making sacrifices that sometimes don’t seem fair. So, Y/N had been asking herself if this was where she saw herself staying, as she had too big of a heart to become such an important character in Tallulah’s life to decide somewhere down the line that she suddenly didn’t want to be tied down anymore. It wasn’t fair to the poor girl, just a measly four years old, to have to go through losing someone that had promised to love her forever. Twice.

Deep down, she knew that this, Harry’s modest yet still lavish home with a pastel yellow door and vegetable garden out back that was often littered with dolls and abandoned sun hats from the cutest little thing that Y/N had ever seen, was where she wanted to be. But this brought her to the third thing she had pondered whilst she rotted on her friend’s uncomfortable sofa at 2 a.m. as she’d waited for her melatonin supplements to enter her system and send her off into a subdued state.

Could she ever forgive him for what he said?

It was just one week before Christmas. Harry texted her at least once everyday, Y/N only replying to the ones when he’d asked her if she was ready to talk, to which she’d tell him that she wasn’t, and that she promised she’d tell him when she was. Part of her stayed away from him for so long because she feared that somehow, deep down, the right thing to do was to stay away forever, and that was certainly going to be the worst day of her life. It would be for the better, Y/N thinks, if that is the case, but she’s trying very hard not to think about that being the endgame for her and Harry. Hence the inner turmoil that’s consuming Y/N’s body whole.

Sarah had promised her that Harry wasn’t coming. They sided with her on this one, she’d said, thus rescinding his invitation to her and Mitch’s annual holiday party. It felt somewhat wrong to be going to see Harry’s friends without him, especially given the fact that they’d more or less been split up for the past two weeks. But as much as they were Harry’s friends, they were also hers too. Harry really knew how to pick the ones he held closest - they were good people. He knows how to chose them because Harry is also a good person and Y/N knows this, and that makes it all the more painful when she pulls into the car park designated for guests of the condominium where Mitch and Sarah lived.

They’d seemed a bit off when they welcomed her into the sizey flat with the small, wrapped gift she’d brought for their exchange, but Y/N dismisses their seemingly rehearsed greetings as pity. Although the last thing she wants is to talk about Harry, she finds their condolences and overall presence soothing. She hadn’t seen much aside from her friend that she’d been staying with and her overweight, powder white cat these days, so human interracton in any capacity was refreshing.

Until it wasn’t.

The longer she stood in the circle of the others that came to the party, mindlessly nodding along to whatever was being said but not actually paying any attention, the longer she was left to sit with her thoughts. She remembers the three other times she’d come to Mitch and Sarah’s for this exact party, and how warm and loved she felt. Right now, all she feels is the cold radiating off of the sliding glass door that she’s leaning on and loneliness. To Y/N, it almost felt like everyone in the room knew what had happened to her and Harry. Like they were trying too hard to be cordial with her because they saw her as the girl that Harry yelled terrible things at and did terrible things too. It was overbearing and she had to get out before she exploded.

Finding aid in the very sliding glass door that chilled her to the bone, she wandered out on the patio to get away from the noise that was so loud yet so quiet at the same time. Tiny snowflakes coated the railing and the outdoor furniture, enough to illuminate her surroundings in an almost purple glow despite the time of night. If Tallulah were here, she’d convince Y/N to catch them on her tongue with her. Any other time, a thought like that would have made her smile, but right now it just made her sad. She wasn’t wearing a coat, yet she couldn’t find herself to care in this moment.

She wanted Harry. She wanted Harry there with her, whispering in her ear that Josie is full of herself and will say anything to get people’s attention and that he thinks they should ditch the party early so they can “warm each other up” at home. Despite the ache in her bones that wished for him, she couldn’t stop thinking about the last time she saw him.

“You’re lying.”

“Wha’ are you talkin’ about, Y/N?” he was swaying back and forth where he stood, clearly too drunk to keep his balance.

He almost sounded annoyed, but it was moreso because she’d interrupted his treck to the bedroom where his warm bed was waiting for him to ail his drunkenness and less because of her prodding.

“Clara was there, Harry. At the club. The one you forgot to tell me you were going to? She saw you. Talking to her. Any of that ring a bell?”

She made sure not to raise her voice in fear of waking up the toddler that had fallen asleep on the sofa waiting for her dad to come home so she could show him the ornaments she’d made with Y/N while he was gone, but he hadn’t come home when he’d promised her. Y/N wasn’t trying to fight, just get some answers. Yet here Harry stood, in their bathroom, lying to her face.

“Okay. So she was there ‘n we talked. We work for the same people. You’re not tellin’ me your mad that I talked t’ her about work, are yeh? Talked t’ her about work at a work party?”

“I’m not stupid, Harry. Stop doing that.”

Harry huffed in annoyance, as if her mere presence was beginning to cause his disdain.

“Then stop actin’ like it was somethin’ that it wasn’t. Swear t’ you. She came up to me, asked how Lulah had been, we talked about work for a second, and that was it. Fuck, even told her about you for christ’s sake.”

“I couldn’t care less that you talked to her, Harry. It’s the fact that you didn’t tell me you’d be out later than you said, went to a club, talked to her, the girl that broke your fucking heart, and I found out from a friend. And when I asked you about it, you lied. Do you see how fucking bad that looks?”

“Why don’t yeh ask Clara what she saw, hmm? Since you’re so keen on taking her word for it. She’s gonna tell you that nothing. Happened. I’m truly sorry I didn’t tell yeh I’d be out late. Didn’t think I’d be gone that long and just got carried away.”

Y/N was fighting tears now. He was talking in circles, unwilling to see her side and acknowledge that he’d done wrong.

“That’s what you’ve been saying for the past month, Harry. You’re always getting carried away with work and leaving me to take care of her. I can’t tell you how many times Tallulah’s asked why you’re always missing dinner and why you don’t go take her to her ice skating lessons or help her wash her hair anymore. She misses you. So do I. And then you go and do this. I know you’re busy this time of year but I also know you’re doing more than you’re being asked of, so don’t pull that shit with me. Would it kill you to come home every now and then and at least eat some pasta with your fucking daughter?”

Harry’s brows were furrowed together, eyes dark and half-shut in what was the beginning of a drunken rage. For a split second, Y/N saw a flicker of sadness within the deep green of his irises, but it disappeared as quickly as it came.

“Yeh say that like she’s a burden. ‘S that it? You’re mad that you have t’ babysit?”

“Harry,” Y/N warned him.

He was treading territory that would be hard to back away from once he took the first step.

“What? If it was that big of a fuckin’ deal, you could have told me that you don’t like keeping after her.”

“Jesus, it’s not!”

She was yelling now, unable to keep her emotions from getting the best of her. She looked after Tallulah like she was the one that had given birth to the four year old that slept peacefully on the couch, cuddling her stuffed elephant in place of her father.

“You know that I love her and that I’d do anything for her, but it’s different when you leave me alone with her all of the time. She needs you, Har. More than she needs me, and you’re acting like your job is more important than her. You have to be there for her, Harry.”

A nasty scoff left Harry’s chest that would haunt Y/N forever. She’d never forget what he said next.

“Right. Thanks for the parenting tip. Last time I checked you weren’t her fucking mu-”

“Yeh gonna freeze t’ death out here, ya know?”

The same voice that plagued her head pulled her out of reliving the events that landed her here, on a snow-covered patio, just as the first of what she knew were going to be many tears rolled down her face.

Y/N whipped her head around, frowning when she realized that Sarah and Mitch had lied to her and that they definitely had invited both of them to the Christmas party.

“Should have known those two were up to something,” was all she replied, quickly swiping the single, stray tear that stung her cheek as it touched the cold air.

“Jesus, you’re shivering. Here,” Harry began shrugging off his coat, ready to offer it to Y/N to keep her from catching pnuemonia.

She hadn’t realized just how cold she was. Her lips felt like they were going to crack at any moment, and she was almost certain it would take upwards of an hour for her to feel her toes again.

“Harry-” Y/N started, her voice sounding soft and defeated.

“Please don’t be stupid, Y/N. You’re gonna get sick.”

He spoke to her in the way that he would Tallulah when she refused to let him brush her hair after a bath, sternly insisting that she’d wake up with painful knots in her head if she didn’t let him run a comb through it. There was something comforting about it, but also something so incredibly sad about it all at the same time.

Reluctantly and without looking him directly in the eyes, she took the long, fur-lined coat from his hands, almost flinching when she accidentally touched pinkies with him. The coat was well-loved, ridden with his scent and most likely permanently stained with a little bit of spit up from when Tallulah was a baby. It smelled like home, Y/N thought.

There was a long pause between them, neither knowing what to say or where to even start. Y/N found herself missing Harry even more now that he was standing right next to her, brawny arms leaning against the frozen railing.

“How’s Lulah?” she asked, able to find her voice amongst the anxiety prodding every inch of her body.

Harry nodded as if to say she was alright, then cleared his throat.

“Good. Misses you.”

He wanted to tell her that he missed her, too. A whole fucking lot. But he was trying to prolong having that conversation in fear that it wouldn’t end the way he’d planned it in his head and she’d walk away from him forever.

“She asks about you every day. ‘Bout when you’re comin’ home. Said she doesn’t like how quiet it is without your music playing in the kitchen.”

She was crying now. Fat, wet, silent tears in the opposite of Harry’s direction so he couldn’t see. She missed hearing Tallulah’s raspy voice asking her question after question about where eggs come from and why anyone would dare take away someone’s babies the way farmers do with mummy chickens.

“I know you’re not ready to talk,” Harry began.

“But do yeh think you could at least come home? It doesn’t feel right without you there.”

Y/N did what she could could manage the tears streaming down her face like a waterfall, hoping Harry would think her face was just cold as she aggressively rubbed her cheeks with her fists.

She was ready to give in, seeing him in person immediately shattering any bit of strength to stay away from him that she had left. Maybe she’d find some clarity if she stopped sleeping on a pull-out sofa that did absolutely nothing for her already-bad back and went back to where she’d lived for over a year with the two people she felt like she’d spent a lifetime loving.

Slowly, her eyes went to meet his. She saw how tired he looked, for lack of a better word. Even though it was dark, the light from the snow accentuated the deep circles under his eyes. His hair looked like it hadnt been washed in days, the way it used to look when Tallulah was a baby that cried at all hours of the night. His posture was, to be quite honest, shittier than it normally was. Y/N knows it hasn’t been that long since she’d been gone, but she could almost swear he looked skinnier than the last time she’d seen him, given that the hollows of his cheeks looked concave and scrawny.

Just as she parted her surely-blue lips, ready to tell him everything she’d wanted to tell him for the past two weeks, the ringing of Harry’s cell phone caused them both to jump.

“Fuck,” Harry muttered under his breath.

“’M sorry. It’s mum. She’s got Lulah. Give me just one second.”

His eyes were pleading, almost like he was silently begging her not to run off if that’s what she was thinking of doing. Y/N’s ears perked up at the mention of his mother. She wondered if she knew about any of this. Surely she did, as Harry tends to confide in her for just about everything.

She was trying not to be nosy, but it appeared that Anne was speaking quite loudly, so it was a bit hard for her not to. She couldn’t make out exactly what she was saying, but she did hear one word. It was clear as day, and she knew immediately that something was wrong.

Raspberries.

Y/N’s head whipped around in Harry’s direction, and she saw the way his face was void of all color and his chest had started to heave.

“That’s never happened before. Did you give her the antihistamine?....What’s she sayin’?....Jesus Christ, mum. You have to calm down. Just go ahead and take her. I’ll meet yeh there. They’ll probably just have t’ give her a shot or somethin’....Mum, it’s alright. You didn’t know. Just get her in the car, please. I’ll be there in twenty.”

Harry clicked his phone off and shoved it in his back pocket, a sense of urgency taking over him.

“I’m so sorry, Y/N. I’ve got t-”

“What happened?”

Y/N was just as worried as Harry was, feeling sick to her stomach that something clearly awful had happened to her.

“Mum’s watching Rosie, too. Lulah got into the bag Gem packed for her and ate somethin’ with raspberries in it. Said her throat feels scratchy, which is-”

“That’s not normal,” Y/N stated, being keenly aware of how Tallulah only ever tends to break out in a slight rash every time she eats the bright pink fruit.

“Yeah,” Harry replied.

“Y/N, I have t’ go. But I really want to talk t’ you. You don’t have t’ say anything back. Just hear me out, yeah? Please don’t disappear on me again.”

She wasn’t listening to him, only worried about the little girl with too many allergies and a keen interest in anything sweet.

“Can I go with you?”

Her voice was quiet, as if she were afraid of Harry telling her that she wasn’t allowed to see his daughter. She knew it was his decision and that she had to respect it, but all she wanted to do was hold her tiny body in her arms and tell her how much she missed her and that she was going to be alright.

Harry stuttered a bit, clearly not expecting her to ask him such a thing. Part of him was happy that she was willingly offering to be near him, but he supposes it’s only got to do with her worry for his daughter.

“I, erm, uh, yeah. Of course. Let’s go. Mum’s taking her t’ the hospital over by her house.”

He ushered her back into the warm apartment and back out the front door towards his car. They couldn’t even be bothered to acknowledge the stares thrown their way.

The car ride was quiet. Harry had left the radio off during his drive to Mitch and Sarah’s, too busy rehearsing what he was going to say to Y/N if she actually let him talk to her. Y/N sat with her knees to her chest, but opted not to turn away from him. That was a good sign, Harry thought. The heat was on, but Y/N was still freezing. She supposes Harry was right about her getting sick.

“Could you drive a little faster?” Y/N asked after some time, fiddling with the cuff of her jeans.

“No,” Harry retorted.

“It’s snowing, Y/N. Don’t need all three of us t’ end up in the hospital.”

She had half the nerve to roll her eyes at him, but she knew he was right.

“Hey,” Harry called out to her.

He started to reach over the center console for her hand out of habit, but felt his heart sink into his stomach when he remembered the state of their relationship and slowly retracted it. He thought she didn’t notice, but she did.

“She’s gonna be fine. Mum said she wasn’t even crying. Probably just needs a few shots t’ make the swelling go down.”

Y/N nodded instead of responding, sinking further into the seat but keeping her eyes on the snowy road ahead of her.

Silence took over again as they trecked through the snow towards Tallulah, with tension so thick it felt suffocating. From the corner of her eye, she saw a pair of Tallulah’s winter gloves tucked into one of the cup holders and she wanted to cry again.

But instead of doing that, she laid her palm face-up on the console, waiting for Harry’s eyes to catch them. When they did, he hesitated, flickering between her hand and her face. She still wasn’t looking directly at him, but he knew she knew he was looking at her.

He tested her first, lying his hand next to hers, but not touching. She didn’t pull her hand away, and he swears when he looked down, he saw her hand inch towards his as if she were coaxing him. Harry thinks this might be the last time he gets to touch her if she decides that she can’t forgive him for what he said, so he goes for it.

He laces his fingers with hers, feeling an overwhelming sense of relief take over his head and his heart when he finally got to feel her skin against his after what felt like centuries. She doesn’t wrap her fingers around his like he did to hers, her hand still lying limp against the arm rest, but he’s okay with that.

It isn’t until they’re pulling into the hospital that Y/N gives Harry’s hand a squeeze.

They were getting there. At least Harry hoped.

Y/N is physically unable to keep herself from smiling when she hears Tallulah practically squeal her name the second she steps into the room she’d been given. Her voice was deeper than usual, most definitely due to the accident that landed her here in the first place. Tallulah all but jumped out of her bed to greet her with a hug, which Y/N accepted without a second thought as she wrapped her arms around the small girl and sat with her on the bed, most likely staining Harry’s coat with the emollient cream they’d coated her rash with at the hospital. As if that coat could take any more beatings.

Harry watched from the corner, feeling somewhat out of place for whatever reason. He knew he owed Y/N an apology for what he said to her that night, and at that moment he felt like he owed Tallulah one, too. How could he say those things to her? How could he let his arrogance get the best of him and ruin the best thing that’s ever happened to him?

Anne briefed him while Tallulah had her mini-reunion with Y/N, letting him know they’d given her a few shots and could go home as soon as the swelling in her throat had gone down. She wouldn’t stop apologizing to Harry for causing her grandbaby harm, but Harry assured her for the twentieth time that accidents happen and that it certainly could have been worse. Anne soon sensed the tension between Harry and who she hoped would be her daughter-in-law one day, and told Harry she’d better get going because she’d left Rosie with the neighbor. Her eyes urged Harry to fix this shit at all costs because she’s the best thing that’s ever happened to him, and Harry was not one to disobey his mother.

“Are you coming home?” Harry heard Tallulah ask Y/N.

He locked eyes with her for a split-second.

“Yeah,” Y/N sighed.

Harry felt his heart jump as he was now paying extra attention to the woman holding his daughter like she was the most precious thing on earth.

“Gotta make sure you get tucked into bed alright.”

And then it sunk.

“Will you be there when I wake up?” Tallulah asked with eerily familiar green eyes peering up at Y/N from her lap.

This time it was her heart that sunk.

“I....don’t know, Lulah. We’ll see,” she whispered, feeling tears pool in her eyes once again.

Y/N hid her face in Tallulah’s hair, for fear that Harry would see her.

“How’s Carrot, hmm? ‘S he doing good?” Y/N blurts out in diversion, hoping Tallulah would be more interested in talking about the fish Y/N had won her at a carnival a few years ago than where she stood with her and Harry.

Tallulah talked her ear off, filling her in on everything she’d missed while she was gone. She tells Y/N that their kale plant in the garden was huge now, seemingly sprouting overnight. She also tells Y/N that Rosie can walk now, or at least can wobble a few steps before falling down on her bum.

Harry watches as Y/N pretends like everything Tallulah is telling her is the most interesting news she’s ever heard. That’s what parents do, and that’s exactly what Harry had shouted at Y/N that she wasn’t. He had fucked up in the worst way and only fate could tell him whether or not he’d be able to fix it.

It was Harry’s turn to cry now, pretending to rub exhaustion out of his eyes rather than tears. Much like earlier when he’d instinctively reached for her hand, he’d hoped she didn’t see it.

She did.

Y/N kept her promise to Tallulah and tucked her into bed after she was discharged and sent home with a steroid pack and rash cream. She willed away the wave of nausea she felt walking into the house she’d shared with Harry after all of this time, telling herself that she just needed to make sure Tallulah knew she was at least there to tuck her in. She took turns with Harry, each of them running their fingers through her curls and telling her to have sweet dreams and that they hoped she felt better in the morning. Tallulah insisted that she was fine and wanted to stay up and talk to Y/N about what she thought Santa was doing right now and if he was going to bring her the glittery nail polish that she’d asked him for, but the sleepiness in her eyes told a different story.

“Do you want me t’ call Sarah and have her take you back to your car?” Harry asked when they returned to the living room where they’d entered.

“Figured we ought to have that talk,” she said, unable to meet his eyes for the umpteenth time that night.

“Yeah,” Harry replied in a tone that almost sounds like relief.

“We can definitely do that.”

The pair find their way to the couch, sitting faced towards each other, but not touching. It’s awkward and it makes Y/N want to fall apart because this is her Harry and she’s in her own home, yet it didn’t quite feel it.

“You hurt my feelings,” is all she says, picking at a loose thread on the sofa.

“I know I did,” Harry began.

“I can’t take any of that back, but I want you t’ know how sorry I am, Y/N. None of that shit was true. I should have told you I was gonna be out late. Shouldn’t have even gone out with them, t’ be honest. I couldn’t even tell yeh why I lied when you asked if I saw her there. Just didn’t want you t’ get the wrong idea, I guess.”

“Harry, I already told you that I didn’t care that you-”

“I know yeh did,” Harry interjected, “But I want you t’ know that I’d never even think about doing something like that t’ you. You’re quite literally the best thing that’s ever happened t’ me. Sometimes I don’t even think you’re real. I wouldn’t have made it without you. Neither would Lulah. And that...”

He pauses, trying not to burst into tears right in front of her. Y/N sees his jaw tensing, something Tallulah does when she’s attempting to calm herself down after throwing a fit. She isn’t sure why, but she begins to feel at ease the longer he talks. Maybe it’s just hearing the sound of his voice after so long or maybe it’s because he’s telling her what she’s been wanting to hear, what she was once afraid that she’d never be able to.

“That shit I said about you not being Lulah’s mum. That’s a load. I know you know that. You are her mum, whether she knows that or not. I’m sure she does... I know she does. You’ve been there for everything. You never complain when it gets hard. Yeh could’ve been doing anything else besides helping my sorry ass take care of her, but you didn’t. ‘M not sure if I’m doin’ a good job of convincing you to stay, wouldn’t blame you if yeh didn’t want to, but I really hope that you do. If you don’t, I still want yeh t’ know that you’re her mum. You’ve done things for her that she doesn’t even realize. She loves you so much, Y/N. And so do I. You’re the love of my life. Always will be. I don’t think there’s anybody else out there that makes me feel the way you do. You’re it for me and I need you t’ know that.”

He’s blubbering now, not caring that she sees the salty streaks subconsciously flowing from his dark and gloomy eyes. He felt it coming. She was going to leave. She was going to finish packing tonight and walk out of his life and he wouldn’t get to spend the rest of his life showing her how much he loved her.

That’s when he feels a hand on his shoulder. It’s light, but it’s meant to be comforting.

“Can it be my turn now?” her voice laced with tears as well.

Clearly it was a night for crying.

Harry nods, because that’s all he can do.

“I was frustrated, that night. I don’t think I should have made as big of deal out of you staying out so la-”

“No. You should have. I was being an ars-”

“Harry,” she pleads, “Let me finish, please.”

He lets out a shaky, “Okay,” and she continues.

“It’s not a big deal when you go out with your friends. You’ve just been so....absent lately and that was what set me off. When Clara called me that night it was just so, embarrassing I guess? I didn’t know what to say to her, and it obviously didn’t look good. But I know you wouldn’t do that to me. You’re a good person and a good dad, Harry. I hope you know that, even if you don’t feel like it right now. And the Lulah thing...that hurt. A lot. I know you’re stubborn and hate admitting that you’re wrong, so I’m going to let that speak for itself, but I’ve never once regretted anything that I’ve done with you two. I knew it would be different being with you, but I’ve never thought of any of this as a sacrifice or a burden. You guys make me so happy. I don’t think you’ll ever understand how much of a privilege this has felt like to me, to be able to watch her grow up and be a part of it. She is the most magical thing that’s ever happened to me. And so are you.”

Harry’s staring at her, still crying, sillhouette lit up by the lights on the Christmas tree behind her that’s decorated with the ornaments she made with his daughter on that dreadful night. He doesn’t want to hurt Lulah’s feelings, but he makes a mental note to throw them away the second he’s able to so he doesn’t have to think about this ever again.

“I love you, Harry. Please don’t ever lie to me again. Even if it’s about how many minutes you are away from the grocery store. I can’t take it. And I can’t stand to feel so far away from you like this. It’s....gross. And I hate it.”

He perks up at what she’s just said, wondering if she’s saying what he thinks she’s saying.

“You’re staying?” he sounds hoarse and both him and Y/N know he’ll wake up in the morning with a headache from how much he’d been crying.

“Don’t think I have it in me to leave, bubs.”

There’s the slightest hint of a smile on her lips, and Harry’s pulling her into his chest. She holds him as he weeps silently into her neck. The cloud of sadness that had held her captive like a nightmare rushed out of her body so quickly that she couldn’t quite process it. All she felt now were Harry’s arms holding her close and his blubbering into her hair about how he was sorry over and over again.

“I know you are,” Y/N cooed, scratching his scalp in the way that she knew calmed him down.

“‘M gonna keep sayin’ it until you believe me,” he whimpered.

“I do believe you, Harry. I promise. We’re gonna be alright.”

That seemed to steady him a bit as he collected himself. He still held her as his shaking breaths began to even out. He wouldn’t dream of letting her go ever again.

“We’re gonna be alright,” Harry repeated to her, his voice almost inaudible had Y/N not been as close to him as she possibly could have been.

She pulls back to brush the stray curls from his forehead, where she pressed her lips gently to his temple as if he was so delicate that he might shatter if she used anymore force.

This time it was Y/N that saw his face surrounded by the multi-colored lights strung around the fir tree they’d picked from the farm just days before they thought their world was ending. He was beautiful, from the crown of his hair to the tips of his toes, inside and out, she thought. Maybe he didn’t feel like it at the moment, but Y/N made a promise to herself that she’d spend the rest of her life proving to him that he was.

#harry styles x reader #harry styles imagine #harry styles fanfiction #harry styles one shot #harry styles angst #harry styles writing #dad!harry #dad!harry styles #dad!harry x reader #dad!harry styles x reader

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jamiiviper · 4 years

Text

The Jamil Essay

this is a reupload of a post i made a couple of weeks ago - previously it was an external link to a google doc, so it never showed up in any of the twst tags, but i worked so hard on this and i would really love it if more people read it, so i’m reuploading directly to tumblr.

to put it simply, this is a 3.7k word character analysis purely about jamil. and even with a word count like that i wasn’t quite able to cover everything i wanted to say, so who knows, maybe there’ll be a part 2 one day. i’ve also decided i do want to write a kalim version, so i’ll probably start working on that sometime soon! stay tuned!

trigger warnings: mentions of child abuse

jamil is the vice dorm leader of scarabia, who’s been kalim’s caretaker practically since birth. he puts on a facade of not standing out, preferring to remain completely average, and plans his life around kalim’s antics. as we learned in chapter 4, however, his true feelings are that he bears a lot of resentment towards kalim, and that he wants to stand out - he just wasn’t allowed to, as he can never surpass kalim.

in this essay i want to cover not just my personal interpretation of jamil, but also some common misconceptions that people tend to have about him. twitter doesn’t have this problem as much, but with tumblr i’ve found that there are very few jamil stans, especially in the theory and writing communities - meaning it’s quite common for people to misunderstand his character. in the fandom as a whole, it’s common for people to only acknowledge him insofar as “gay for kalim”.

firstly, jamil’s character development in the main story - i would say he’s arguably the best-developed character in twst, since yana now has enough chapters available to flesh out characters after their main story arc ended. jamil holds very deep-seated resentment against kalim, to the point that he plotted to betray him for probably several years. he plotted to have kalim not just thrown out of nrc, but thoroughly ruin his reputation in the process. after his overblot, those feelings did not magically vanish - far from it. i think earlier twst chapters suffered from arcs being wrapped up a little too neatly post-overblot, but pomefiore’s arc has already proved itself to be the exception and thoroughly covers not just jamil’s continued dislike for kalim, but also the wider consequences for what he did.

since the twst school year begins in september, we know jamil is about 9 months older than kalim. from literally the day kalim was born, jamil’s life has been dedicated to kalim. possibly since the day jamil was born, and he was always fated to be kalim’s caretaker. it may even have been the reason he was born at all. either way, it’s not like he remembers those 9 months. all jamil has ever known is that his sole purpose must be to serve kalim. he must not have desires of his own, he must not do anything for himself - from childhood he was expected to be ready to give up his life for kalim at a moment’s notice. he can’t be good at anything - kalim must always be better (i’ll cover this in more depth in a later paragraph, this philosophy is key to his character). his own parents drilled this into him, even going to the extent of hitting him if he didn’t comply. it seems he has a normal relationship with his family despite this - he bickers with his sister like regular siblings, and pre-overblot he indicated that his desire to be free from servitude wasn’t just about him, he wanted to free his family. nonetheless, the psychological damage his childhood caused him is severe. is it any wonder his unique magic is mind control, when he’s never had an ounce of control over his own life?

moving onto his early teen years, we know both jamil and kalim were severely poisoned at one point, both falling into comas for around two weeks. although we don’t have a timeframe for jamil’s coma, we know kalim’s was when they were around 13 years old. if jamil’s was around this age too - probably a short while afterwards - i think it’s plain to see why jamil’s resentment began to build. he’d have been around the age where he first started to question why his life has to revolve around kalim. why should he be expected to die for someone he doesn’t even like, who’s spoiled and doesn’t realise how much jamil does for him? kalim takes everything for granted: status, friendships, freedom, and jamil is meanwhile left in the shadows with nothing. then one day kalim gets poisoned so badly he falls into a coma - how much do you want to bet jamil was blamed for that, at the age of 13? after that he’s expected to taste-test anything kalim eats beforehand, and eventually starts making all his meals for him because the risk of poison is so high otherwise. then one day he slips up, or it’s an undetectable poison, and jamil is the one to fall into a coma. is anyone blamed for that? does anyone pity jamil outside of his immediate family + kalim? no, probably not. after all, he’s just doing his duty, right? it’s truly… no wonder jamil’s resentment became so intense. he finally has proof that his life truly does not matter. although kalim certainly cares about him, he doesn’t understand jamil’s position. he sees jamil as a friend, an equal; jamil knows this can never be the case, and he also knows kalim is too privileged to ever hope to understand.

fast forward on a couple of years to jamil receiving his nrc acceptance letter. he thinks that finally, finally he’s going to be free. four years of freedom - and who knows, maybe after that he can be free forever! he can finally excel at his classes and be his true self, without fear of upstaging kalim!

and then kalim gets accepted a month late. for no reason other than his surname.

and then kalim gets sorted into his dorm.

it’s a miracle he didn’t just overblot on the spot - but that’s his nature as a scarabia student. careful foresight and planning. this moment was, undoubtedly, the moment he started planning his betrayal. he had his one month of freedom ripped away, just like that.

oh, don’t forget the fact that not long after, kalim was made dorm leader not because he notably embodies scarabia values at all, but because of nepotism. (side note: most scarabia stans agree kalim does actually reflect scarabia values, just not as obviously as jamil does, but either way jamil himself wouldn’t see it this way. this is a jamil essay so i won’t go in depth about this unless asked to!)

under kalim’s watch, scarabia - known for its intelligence and cunning - is turned into “the party dorm”. this seems to be the fandom’s perception of them too - i mean, just ask any non-scarabia stan what goes on in scarabia, that’s probably the answer they’ll give you. jamil would have probably loved the original scarabia; although we don’t know much about it, we know scarabia students are on a par with octavinelle when it comes to intelligence (paralleling azul’s constant interest in jamil). yet by winter break, scarabia is doing so badly in those same exams that they didn’t even place in the rankings…? without meaning to, kalim clearly harmed scarabia. instead of getting chance to study magic and show off, jamil is now essentially an unpaid, full-time party planner by the time his second year starts.

a few months later, winter break finally arrives, and jamil executes his plan to dethrone kalim. i may have just spent the last two pages defending jamil’s grudge, but his actions themselves are still indefensible. there’s evidence to suggest kalim knew what was occurring on some level - refusing to answer jade’s question about who was hypnotising him proved that 1) he probably had some idea deep down that jamil was betraying him 2) he doesn’t want jamil to get in trouble for it. nonetheless, this does not make what jamil did okay in the slightest, even if kalim allowed it to happen. jamil is, undoubtedly, the bad guy in this situation, no matter how sympathetic his childhood makes you feel. i could go into detail about why kalim acted the way he did, but again, this is jamil-focused.

i’ll skip talking about his overblot, because i covered his hatred for kalim in a lot of depth already and i want to talk about the general aspects of his personality like his desire for praise later on. so moving onto the end of chapter 4, we see jamil’s true self: a snarky, heavily opinionated boy who honestly just wants to be free to be himself.

but just like his freedom, that side of jamil once again only lasts for a brief moment. jamil almost loses everything after his overblot. practically every scarabia student hates him and wants him thrown out of the dorm - even kalim, his sole defender, can’t call him a good person. he’s a traitor. he says he trusts the scarabia students to work out that it’s better for them if he stays, but that day won’t come any time soon, and until then he’s keeping his distance from them all, because their hatred is that strong. if azul truly had been streaming to more people than just jade, his life would have been ruined beyond repair. so what does jamil do? he goes back to serving kalim. as a scarabia student, his foresight is good enough that he knows the option he hates the most is the only one that’ll be good for him in the end. for jamil, being himself is nothing short of a death sentence.

now i’ve talked for far too long about the timeline of his character arc, i can finally get to the good stuff: jamil’s personality, and how it’s changed throughout the stories we’ve seen so far.

the first thing that springs to mind when you think of jamil, other than “snake”, is probably “tired”. or “he’s going to snap”. something along those lines. which... yes, we know he is. he did snap. after chapter 4, this doesn’t seem to have changed too much, but i do get the impression that he’s somewhat less stressed out by kalim. his resentment has dissipated, for the most part (he does still openly insult him, though), so while he does grumble at kalim there’s no suppressed fury behind it. what replaced that fury?

guilt.

in 5-10, jamil tells azul that he intends to continue to obediently follow kalim around in order to restore his reputation, both inside and outside of scarabia. this does of course make him sound pretty selfish (as per usual), and in classic jamil fashion he doesn’t let his true emotions show, so it’s easy to take this at face value and assume he just doesn’t really care. i think in this case, we need to look more at his actions that we see throughout chapter 5. namely, the way it’s being emphasised how he’s silently watching kalim from afar - something he’s always done, yes, but yana seems to be really making a point of it in chapter 5. it’s not just kalim he’s distancing himself from, either. he’s staying away from the rest of the scarabia students too, as mentioned earlier. he never had any friends at all to rely on, even before his overblot. so by doing this, he’s effectively completely isolating himself. he clearly has a lot of thoughts about everything that he’s not sharing with anyone - just listen to the way he sighs at the end of the flashback in 5-10, how annoyed and frustrated he seems. if jamil was telling the truth about just wanting to restore his reputation, he’d probably appreciate kalim’s efforts, even if he dislikes kalim himself. he shouldn’t be upset by kalim persuading the scarabia students to give him another chance. not if he truly just wants to get back to normal. i think on some level, jamil feels incredibly guilty over his actions. he might not have even admitted to himself yet that he feels this way, and by saying things like “i just want to restore my reputation” he’s just trying to convince himself. after all, that’s something he has a history of doing.

ever since jamil’s first introduction, we’ve known jamil lives his life by the philosophy of “not standing out is the best way to succeed”. he hates standing out or receiving any kind of positive attention at all, because he thinks that it’ll only attract trouble. or so we thought, because as we learned from his overblot, jamil desperately wants to stand out. he’s powerful and intelligent, and he wants people to acknowledge that. he wants the praise and recognition he knows he deserves. this means that whenever he said he didn’t want to stand out, he was lying through his teeth - he probably constantly tried and failed to convince himself of this throughout his childhood. during his lab SR story, he even repeats it to himself in his thoughts, like a mantra - “I want to avoid standing out. I can’t be satisfied with this. I cannot be too good, nor fall behind, and neither should I get satisfactory grades or fail. This is the best shortcut to success.”. much like his feelings of guilt, jamil refused to acknowledge how much he truly wanted to show off, even in his own thoughts. he is awful at being honest to himself.

post-ch5, we find out that despite everything, jamil does still hold this philosophy, to some extent. he of course shows off his singing and dancing skills enough to be chosen as a main vocalist, and he says he wants to make a name for himself and show various people just how talented he truly is: kalim, his family, the asims and MC, to name a few. yet in the chapter before that, when kalim compliments his singing and dancing, he’s like “i don’t really want to stand out, but…”. which is honestly a little confusing at first because he does want to. i’d probably interpret it as something along the lines of he wants to show off to the people he cares about, but he still wants to keep his head down in general. so i think that to some extent, maybe he actually has internalised that philosophy now. the one time he truly expressed his desire to stand out, it ended in catastrophe for him. he has this tiny seed of doubt within him now, telling him his parents were right all along. but... he’s working past it, and applying himself as and when he’s comfortable doing so.

going back to him being bad at being honest, jamil’s a pretty big tsundere. there’s one person he does regularly receive praise from: kalim. yet despite desperately wanting to be praised, he often gets annoyed at kalim and tells him something like “this isn’t about me right now” or “what does that have to do with anything?”. plus when the praise is coming from kalim, it’s often in the context of kalim praising him to other people - as a servant, he can’t be seen accepting all these compliments, right? he can never be better than kalim. so he has to reject kalim’s praise. when it’s just the two of them alone, though, is when jamil gets embarrassed to the point he has to hide his blush under his hood. given his childhood, chances are that he doesn’t really know how to process being praised. he knows he wants people’s approval, but when he actually gets it, he just short-circuits. it was the same at his birthday celebration; although he wants to be the centre of attention, when it actually happens, he gets all embarrassed and tsun. i was trying not to let my own personal feelings spill in this but oh my god he’s so cute i can’t

next... this isn’t really linked to any previous topic, but i want to talk about jamil’s cooking! jamil cooks all of kalim’s meals, and regularly cooks entire feasts for kalim’s parties, too (as well as being in charge of getting any animals kalim wants to show off, decorating the dorm, making sure everything runs smoothly… you get the idea). his cooking is very good, and he has a lot of technical knowledge about cooking too - azul, whose parents run a restaurant, didn’t know about emulsification, but jamil was able to explain it to him. despite being so good, though, according to his dorm SSR homescreen lines he doesn’t actually like cooking very much. he says the fact that he cooks so much is “just how things turned out”. of course, he could just be being a tsun, but i do feel like he’s being honest with this - what reason does he have to seriously enjoy something he was forced into doing his entire life? However there is evidence that he might enjoy it after all; he’s particularly good at alchemy because of his cooking knowledge, and according to magical archives he’s completely neutral in motivation for both flying and history lessons, but has slightly higher motivation levels for alchemy, indicating that he can’t stop himself from putting a little bit extra effort into that class. i think it can be interpreted either way with the canon info we have currently, but regardless i would not say he’s the cooking fanatic people often depict him as.

also, when jamil cooks, although his cooking is good, visually it’s usually very boring, to the point he and his sister would bicker over it. he has the technical skills to cook good food, but no idea how to present it. similarly, in his fairy gala SR he was told that although he perfectly memorised the dance, it was boring to watch - it looked like he was just executing the routine without any passion behind it. jamil is so emotionally repressed that he has no idea how to express his individuality. even in his bedroom, the only truly personal items he owns are a first aid kit (related to his servant position, not him as a human being) and a stereo + headphones set for dancing. he doesn’t have any other hobbies or interests - he doesn’t even know what people his age do for fun, because he’s never been allowed to think about such things.

dancing is all jamil has that’s not directly related to serving kalim, really - but even that ties into his servant status. although he genuinely enjoys it nowadays and dances by himself for fun, he only picked it up as a hobby because kalim wanted to go to dance practice, and of course jamil had to accompany him. when his flashback after his overblot talks about him deliberately losing to kalim, the story focuses specifically on a dancing competition. which is why it’s honestly so important to jamil’s character that chapter 5 focuses on a singing and dancing competition. jamil finally has the chance not just to show off his skills in general, but his skills at the one thing he’s been allowed to love throughout his life. the one thing where losing to kalim at it hurt so much that it was such a prominent memory for him. when jamil was chosen as a main vocalist, he instinctively tries to say kalim would be better suited for the position, but stops himself and accepts it. it clearly means so much to him that he was chosen for this.

okay i started to scare people with how long this was getting when it was only 50% finished, i think if i write anymore people will actually be concerned for my health so i’ll leave it here. if you read all of this, thank you so much for putting up with my anime boy brainrot for over six full pages! i really.. really like jamil. again, i most certainly do not think his actions should be defended, but god if they’re not fascinating to read about. and i hope i covered the other sides to him well enough, the things that you’d never ordinarily pick up on because so few people talk about him outside of him and kalim as a pair (both platonic scarabia + romantic jamikali, i mean). he has so much depth to him that people don’t see and god i could easily have gone on for another few pages if i wasn’t forcing myself to stop. but please please talk to me if you want to hear more...

yana has treated him so well, jamil stans get too much food if anything but i’m absolutely thriving off it as you can see! thank you for allowing him to exist, yana-sensei!

having said that, i couldn’t stop myself from adding some extra facts about him below. please enjoy.

some fun jamil facts for your soul:

his sister used to bake him cookies on his birthday - specifically, these!

when jamil and kalim went to eat at the cafeteria with ruggie and leona, leona took one look at jamil and went “you look like you’d kill kalim in his sleep”

sebek and jamil find each other’s positions enviable. sebek wishes he could have been by malleus’ side from birth as jamil was with kalim, and jamil just… wishes he served someone he respected as deeply as sebek respects malleus (but he does think sebek is too enthusiastic)

jamil hates surprises with a burning passion, and despite being with kalim for 17 years is still not used to them. for his previous birthday, kalim held a huge surprise party, and i think he still hasn’t recovered from the shock

i think a lot of people already know that in his birthday SSR story he said he wanted a parrot after graduation so he could teach it to call him master, but it goes a bit further than that? it was actually first mentioned during his lesson chats, when kalim gets a parrot. jamil has to research how to care for it, and ended up wanting one of his own afterwards (but got too tsundere to admit it at the time).

also, he heard that the sorcerer of the sands’ parrot (iago) could speak as fluently as a human, and he got excited and watched a bunch of parrot videos on magicam, but was of course disappointed to find out that this was not the case.

he frequently uses flattery to try and get his way, like when he attempts to flatter vil during his SSR story - unfortunately he misjudged vil, as vil’s actually the type of person who hates meaningless flattery. because he does this so frequently, when he genuinely does give compliments people don’t always believe him.

according to the halloween event, jamil is surprisingly environmentally conscious, and insists on holding a sustainable halloween theme. after organising so many parties and seeing the waste they probably produce, i think there’s no wonder he’s so concerned about it.

#twisted wonderland #jamil viper #twst jamil #scarabia #twst #kalim al-asim #twst kalim #i'm a busy uni student so don't expect the kalim essay to be finished anytime soon #i procrastinated way too much writing the jamil one #and i would not do the same for kalim ajdfjshsjhs #also i know people have said they'd like to see my take on other charas but please consider:#the only reason i have this deep an insight into jamil's character is bc i never think about the others #there's only jamil in my head #so i don't think i'm the best person to go to for interesting analysis about anyone else #but again who knows #tw: abuse

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tinyboxxtink · 3 years

Text

"Doppelganger" *Part 8*

Okay ladies and gents, this is where I'd say you really need to have read Black Magic to understand this chapter. You can read it here.

Or, y'know I guess just accept that magic is real in this universe. Whatever. STILL READ IT. YOU WON'T REGRET IT I PROMISE.

If you read this last night, I did rewrite it and reuploaded it. Don't freak out, it's better now I swear.

I did make this signifantly longer though, but I won't lie to you kids-- it's not good. Angst wise, not plot wise. 😉

ENJOYYYYYYY!!!!

Part 7

Part 9

Tag List

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@bookishfanfic

@stars-in-the-skies-world

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@omgsuperstarg

@objection-argumentative

---------------

The next day Rafael decided he needed help, and if he couldn’t go to the squad, he only had one choice.

"....WHAT?!" Chloe screeched after Rafael told her the whole story after meeting up for coffee.

"I know, it's insane I just--" Rafael shook his head.

"I have so many questions. So many--" she started.

"Look I just wanted advice, and maybe …" he trailed off looking in the distance.

"Maybe what….?" She looked at him suspiciously.

"Supernatural help?" He sipped his coffee.

"Oh good God like what? Do you think that's what he used on YN?" Chloe sipped her tea.

"No doesn't need to, he can imitate me perfectly. I'm pretty sure it was just your standard date rape drug." The words made Rafael's fist clench and his lip curl at the thought of Nevada using date rape drugs on you.

"We have to get her out of there, Chloe. We have to," His voice trembled in fear for you.

"Well no shit Sherlock" Chloe pointed out. "You sure it's not the mind control stuff Liv used on you?"

"Liv didn't use mind control potions. She just used an ultra unhealthy amount of love potion. Although I wouldn't put it past her to get some more potions,” Rafael rolled his eyes.

Nearby Alex was listening in on the conversation, since Rafael knew what Javi looked like now. He listened to the rest of your conversation, then bolted before the two of you noticed him.

-----

“Magic potion?" Nevada laughed. are you fucking kidding me?! Dime qué tienen been smoking?!”

"I don't know Vada, he seemed pretty sure about it. And I mean look at the two of you, you're identical and there's no explanation for that. So I don't know, anything might be possible." Alex shrugged. "He said it's how they got together. Some chick named Olivia tried to tear them apart but their "true love" prevailed"."

"Oh , these two are even more fucking pathetic than I thought.” Nevada scoffed. “What do they live in, a fucking Disney movie?" He shook his head, but then had an idea.

"…. Seems like we might have to check with this Olivia," He smiled evilly.

--------

"Rafael" showed up to the squad room to talk to Olivia the very next day.

“Hey Liv” He nodded at her with a sly smile.

"Rafa!" Liv exclaimed. She was excited but nervous to see him. Mostly because she hadn't seen him since the whole 'wedding; debacle.

"Liv, I need you to tell me where you got your mind serum,” “Rafael” told her straight out. Olivia was shocked he was so flippant about it, and being so loud.

".... It wasn't mind serum Rafa it was love serum and-- wait why do you need it?" She looked around nervously, then quickly realized something must have gone wrong with the two of you.

"I think I'll be asking the questions here Liv, you're the one that fucked with me first." “Rafael” crossed his arms.

"You know if you need to control YN with potions, it may not be worth it Rafa.” Olivia told him softly, touching his hand. “I love you just the way you are...." She put a hand to his chest and gave him a sweet smile.

"Why do you think I'm asking? She's getting too wishy washy for me, I just want her to forget about us." Rafael put a hand to her face. "Just tell me where you got it, and we can be together."

"Ok!!" Not questioning it, Olivia started to text the address to Rafael's phone.

"No, I need you to write it down for me." “Rafael” grabbed a notepad and pen from off her desk.

"Why…?" Olivia raised an eyebrow at him.

"....So if my boss decides to do a random sweep of my phone he doesn't think I'm insane, Liv." He replied in a “duh” tone.

"...He can do that?" Oliva’s mouth dropped open.

"...The government can do a lot of things, Liv. Don’t trust them,” “Rafael” sneered. Sure Olivia should have taken that as a red flag, but she was so happy she might get her happy ending with Rafael she didn’t care.

"Right…." She wrote the address down and slipped it to "Rafael".

"Thanks babe," he grabbed Olivia in a giant kiss. Then he strutted out of the office leaving her with a huge smile.

----------

Not even a few hours later, Nevada took the address to an old antique shop. He walked in to see an old woman cleaning an ancient looking broach.

“An old antique shop, bruja? Were you going for totally predictable, or are you just lazy with fronts?”

The woman stopped cleaning and glared at him. “And who the hell are you?”

“Let’s just say I’m a friend of Olivia’s.” He smirked. “And as such, I’m going to need a favor…”

“Oh great are you a cop too?” She sighed.

“....You could say that.” He chuckled.

“So what do you need?” She looked at him skeptically.

“I need a...mind control potion,” Nevada felt like an idiot saying it out loud, but the old woman’s face verifying that such a thing existed made him feel better.

“You people and your God complexes…” She rolled her eyes before disappearing into the back. After a few minutes she came back with an orange liquid in a vial.

“Think of the name of the person you want this to control, and then once they drink this, whatever you think, they’ll do.”

“....Really?” Nevada gave her a sarcastic laugh.

“Oh you doubt my majeria, pendejo?” She snarled. “Then why are you here?”

“Lo siento, señora,” He quickly apologized. “Gracias,” He nodded to the potion and sauntered out of the shop.

--------

The next day Nevada texted Rafael to meet him in a warehouse on his side or town. Rafael immediately went to Chloe’s apartment for advice on what to do, since he didn’t have anyone else.

"This could be a trap." Chloe warned him.

"Of course it could be a trap but what choice do I have?!" Rafael argued.

"Ok but I'm coming," She insisted.

"Oh no you're not" Rafael shook his head.

"I'll stay out of sight, okay dad?” Chloe rolled her eyes.

"No, I don’t like it.” He protested while ignoring the 'dad' comment. “If something goes sideways in there I can’t protect the both of you,”

"I don't care if you like it, she's my best friend so you can suck it up," She crossed her arms. “And I’m a big girl, I can take care of myself,”

“....What’s the chances of me talking you out of this?” He sighed.

“....Ehhhh slim to none,” She smiled.

“Fine, but you’re staying outside,” He warned her as they headed to the address.

------

Rafael and Chloe went to the address, it was a giant warehouse. Rafael went inside, ready for anything. The place was pitch black so he couldn't really see anything.

"Nevada?" He called into the darkness. Suddenly one light in the middle of the warehouse lit up. He walked closer to find you lying there unconscious.

"YN!!!" He screamed, running over and waking you up.

“...What? What happened?” You stirred awake, totally disoriented. Nevada must have knocked you out again.

"Baby! it's me," He picked you up in his arms, holding you so tightly you thought you'd stop breathing. "He let you go, I can't believe it," He was crying now, he was so happy.

"...What? That makes ZERO sense," you pushed him away, looking at him angrily. "....Wait no no, it does make perfect sense-- you're Nevada!"

"What?" Rafael looked at you in shock. "... I'm not Nevada, I'm Rafael, YN! It's me!"

"Okay look I get it,” You crossed your arms. “You can’t just keep me drugged up all the time, and you need new and innovative ways to "be" Rafael-- but this is just cruel,”

“Baby it's me I-- it's me! it's Rafael,” He put his hands on either side of your face, staring intently into them. You wanted to believe him so badly, but all you could think about was the first time this happened. How perfectly Nevada had played Rafael, even down to the look in his eyes. That’s all you saw now, an act. A façade.

“....You've done a hell of a job researching him and perfecting his moves Nevada, but I'm not going to fall for it and I'm not going to keep hurting Rafa,” You pushed him away further, crossing your arms tighter so that he couldn’t get a free show of your exposed breasts in the barely there clothes he dressed you in.

Rafael stared at you in shock and disbelief, how much did he fuck with your mind? How could this be happening?

“....It's me. How else am I--- what can I do to prove to you that it's me? Y/N how can you not see it in my eyes? Look at me!” He grabbed your hands and searched your eyes for some kind of recognition, some kind of feeling.

“Yeah okay it's ‘you’. You are going to save me, and then we're going to go to some ‘safe location’ right? And then we’ll celebrate being ‘back together’ by having some amazing sex. And it’ll be wonderful and amazing, and I’ll cry and tell you how much I love you and missed you, and then you're going to be like ‘hahaha I got you again!’ I’m Not falling for it” Tears came to your eyes as you thought about all the times he had tricked you, and how much it had hurt Rafael every time. You couldn’t get the heartbreak in his eyes out of your brain.

“....God, this is exactly what he wanted…” Rafael muttered. “Carino, it's me I swear to God you have to believe me-- Look I brought Chloe!” He gestured to Chloe who came running over to the two of you.

“...Oh my God, Chloe?” Your eyes widened in seeing your best friend for the first time in days. Usually you two were attached at the hip. He brought Chloe-- Nevada didn’t know about Chloe, did he?

“....Remember the penguins? I proposed to you with the penguins, and-- and I told you that it was my favorite place in New York, and I did that nutty musical number? I worked on that for WEEKS!!! Would Nevada know that?” You heard Rafael talking while you looked from Chloe to him. You took his head in your hands, searching his eyes. They were full of tears, searching your own eyes for the same thing. Love.

“....Rafa?” You whispered, wiping the tears from his cheeks. He took your hand and kissed the side of it.

“It’s me,” He pressed his lips to your forehead. “It’s me, mi amor,”

You grabbed him and pulled him into a kiss. You could feel the difference now, between his mouth and Nevada’s. Rafael kissed you in such a loving, beautiful way. Nevada groped your mouth like a hungry shark. You threw your arms around his neck and kissed him several times on the neck, not getting enough of him. He ran his fingers through your hair as his lips did the same to your face and neck.

Suddenly, a lone clap came from behind you.

“Awwww. No es tan dulce?” Nevada came stepping out of the shadows. “The two lovers, finally reunited. Es tan hermoso,” He wiped away a non-existent tear.

“....What the hell …?” Rafael asked while he helped you both stand up, Rafael stood in front of you protectively.

“Well I had to get some ‘inside’ information didn’t I, cabron? I can’t have you feeding her information only ‘you’ would know to try and break a spell, ¿Correcto??” Nevada crossed his arms as several men came out of the shadows all around you.

“....Spell?” You blinked, trying to play dumb. How did he know about magic?

“Oh shit…” You heard Chloe whisper as she and Rafael exchanged a guilty look. They really should have thought about having that conversation in private.

“I visited your friend, Olivia. She told me where I could find some very interesting...concoctions,” Nevada smirked as he held up an orange vial.

“What? No...no no no!!!!” Rafael’s head darted back and forth as Nevada’s goons inched towards you. Two of them pulled out pistols and aimed them right at him while two more walked up and grabbed you, dragging you away from Rafael.

“No...No! RAFAEL!!!” You screamed, trying to get away from them. He tried to run to you, but two more grabbed him by the arms and put him on his knees.

“...I don't know what the hell it is but don't you dare give her anything else!!!” Rafael yelled as the two men that had you dragged you over to Nevada.

“Oh okay, well just because you said that SO nicely, abogado,” Nevada nodded sarcastically as he grabbed your face.

“Now, open up baby. I know you can swallow,” He smirked while looking between the two of you. You shook your head violently, but Nevada gripped your nose between his fingers preventing you from breathing. You held out as long as you could, but you finally had to gasp for air. As soon as you did so, Nevada poured the orange liquid down your throat. After a few moments, your irises flashed a deep orange.

“....Vada,” You looked at Nevada with dreamy eyes as Rafael stared in horror.

“Finalmente I can stop wearing those God awful trajes,” Nevada grinned, stroking your cheek softly before looking at Rafael.

“And y’know, your girlfriend Olivia really should have just opted for this mind control potion, it works so much more efficiently. Pero, if I had just made your little puta in love with me, I couldn’t get her to do this,” He turned to you. “Baby, go take care of that hijo de puta, para mi,”

“Anything for you, papi,” You nodded with a smile, then turned to Rafael with a deep raging fire in your eyes.

“Let’s dance abogado,” You growled.

“No! No, Y/N you can't do this! I'm not going to hurt you,” He pleaded with you.

“Well that sucks for you,” You lunged for him, but he grabbed you by your arms. “

“Hey no no no, look at me!” He forced you to look at him. “Remember the penguins? I took you to see the penguins and I--"

Nevada closed his eyes and changed your memory with his.

”Nevada took me to penguins and that's how we got engaged, you lying piece of shit!!!” You yelled at him.

“….Fuck that’s what he meant. Now he’s used that against me,” Rafael grunted in frustration as you wriggled in his arms. “Y/N you have to believe me you love me, not Nevada. You love me!!”

“No, I DON’T!!!!” You broke free and started to punch him, but he threw you to the ground.

“...You're going to regret that,” You sneered, getting back up.

“I already do!” Rafael began to cry. He didn't want to hurt you, but he had no other choice.

“Alright, break it up,” Chloe stepped in trying to reason with you.

“And who are you? His bitch?” You snarked at her.

“Oh God now what? I'm your best friend, Chloe! We’ve been friends since you moved to the city! forever I helped you get Rafael, remember? All the hijinks we had to go through? Y/N you're my best friend come on, remember!”

“....I don't know what the hell you're talking about bitch, but if you’re against Nevada, you’re against me!” You lunged for Chloe. Unfortunately for you, Chloe had no qualms about kicking your ass. She punched you, making you go down.

“Chloe what the fuck are you doing?!” Rafael yelled angrily at her.

“Wha-- she was trying to kick my ass!” Chloe defended herself.

Well as much as I enjoy this, I'm going to need a status on that transfer, Barba,” Nevada stepped in and helped you to your feet. You started to lunge for Chloe again but Nevada held you back.

“Down girl, you’ll get her next time,” He pulled on the collar of your dress like heeling a dog. You straightened up and walked into his arms. He draped one of them around you as he smiled triumphantly at Chloe and Rafael.

“Well if you would let me work instead of fucking with my emotions and fucking with my fiancé's head I might have some time to do it, tarado!” Rafael barked while glaring at the two of you. “Why are you even doing this, don't you want me to fight for her?”

“Yeah I thought about that,” He nodded, moving his arms around your waist and pulling you back into his chest as you smirked at Rafael.

“And having her on my side actually works out better for me, because you can't hurt me if I have her as my guard dog,” He chuckled, pulling you to face him as he gave you a hungry kiss.

“I swear to God, Nevada… I'll….” Rafael started to charge Nevada, seeing you all over him in person was ten times worse than having to witness it over a face call.

“You'll what?” Nevada challenged him with a laugh. "You gonna call your cop friends on your 'true love?!'” He air quoted true love with a mocking sneer.

“That's right she is my true love; and our love has beat stronger things than your manipulation or mind potions,” He spat as Nevada’s goons began to surround him again in case he tried anything.

"Oh I very much doubt that." He smiled wickedly as he looked into your eyes. "Go on baby, tell him why you chose me" He nodded at Rafael. You nodded back and stepped towards Rafael with hatred in your orange eyes. Nevada thought of the perfect speech to really destroy him.

"Nevada is a real man Barba, he's pleasured me in ways you can't even think of. Our love was fake, you just kept me under your own spell. Nothing we had was actually real, and you're just gonna have to get over this obsession you have with me." You crossed your arms and spoke with absolute disdain.

"No….." Rafael's eyes filled with tears more and more after every word you spoke. "No!" He grabbed you and pulled you towards him. Nevada’s goons started to go after him but Vada put a hand up.

"Ah ah ah, señores. This will be more fun," He grinned.

"Baby come on, look he's...he’s just going to let you go!” Rafael tried to get you to go with him.

"Please, carino…." He put both hands on your face but all he could see was orange in your irises. Now he knew how you must have felt at the church when he didn't remember you. But then he remembered how the real him was deep down inside, screaming to get out. You had to be there too.

“....Rafa…?” Your head began to pound, the orange in your eyes began to flicker as the real you tried to break through.

“Yes, yes Y/N Baby it’s me!” A small hopeful smile crawled across his lips. He started speaking as fast as he could to draw you out more.

"....Carino, remember you told me about your parents, and I told you about my dad, and-- We beat Liv, we've prevailed over anything that tries to tear us apart. And I know you are in there, because I know I was in my body too. Please baby please, oh god please, YN you have to remember!” He pressed his forehead to yours as he begged you with whimpers and tears.

“Baby…”? You bit your lip as you tried like hell to fight the potion. Rafael rubbed your cheeks with his thumbs.

“....If you go back to him now--I'll lose you forever. He’ll just keep using you against me, and I won’t hurt you!” He hugged you tightly, your arms slowly raised to hug him back. Nevada saw what was unfolding and quickly thought to himself “NO. YOU’RE MINE. HURT HIM.”

Suddenly the orange flared in your eyes once again, and you pushed him away from you.

“Well that's really unfortunate for you, douchebag. Because I can,” You took one swift kick to his stomach and he fell over to the ground

“Ohhhhh shit!!!!!” Nevada clapped his hands together happily.

"That was even more delicious than I could have imagined, this magic thing is the best. Thanks for the tip, bruja,” Nevada nodded at Chloe who just glared at him as she helped Rafael up on his feet.

"This isn't over," he growled.

"You're right, you still need to get me those transfers" Nevada reminded him. “....And I think that red head will help you out, I may have 'made up' with her for you," He added with a wink.

“Oh for fucks sake…” Rafael groaned. Now he had lost you and he'd have to break Liv’s heart all over again.

“Now I'd leave before I set my queen loose on you," Nevada cackled.

“Let's go Rafa, we'll figure something out,” Chloe pulled him away from you and out of the warehouse.

Rafael knew you were in there, he just knew it. He was going to get you back somehow.

#rafael barba #rafael barba imagine #rafael barba x you #rafael barba x reader #rafael barba fanficton #nevada ramirez fanfiction #nevada ramirez #nevada ramirez x you #nevada ramirez x reader #trouble in the heights #law and order svu #law and order svu fanfiction #doppelganger

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johnnycranes · 3 years

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[reupload cuz i decided to post this chapter here as well since i met a lot of new people in the fc5 fandom recently <3]

next chapter of Some Kind of Second Chance is up. special shoutout to all my mutuals who tagged me in WIPs and to the amazing @desertvvitch who motivated me to post this thing!!

Whole thing is up on AO3

Word count: 3,364

Chapter 6: Revelations and Rifles

When Sydney came to, part of her hoped the hit she took to the head also knocked her memory back. But nope, still didn’t know who the voices in her head were.

She opened her eyes and the first thing she saw was a wall decorated with different pictures of the Seed family and of Eden’s Gate. Next thing she noticed was that she was sitting on the floor and her wrists were bound in front of her to a metal pipe, kept in place with a ziplock tie.

She looked down at herself and saw she was still dressed in the shorts and tank top she was in when she left her cabin, the only thing missing was her jacket.

Looking around a bit more, it didn’t appear to be like any of the cabins in the compound. More like the inside of a trailer house. Something glinted on the floor and Sydney realized there were shards of glass littered around the room of what looked like a small trailer. If she could just reach out for a sharp enough piece, she could find a way to cut open the ziplock tie.

Whoever took her clearly didn’t think this all the way through, practically handing her a means to escape.

Oh shit, or was this some kind of creepy Saw thing? Either way she wasn’t going to stick around to find out.

She stretched her leg and started pushing a few shards towards her with her foot. Thankfully her captors were also kind enough to leave her sneakers on.

Sydney was able to drag some shards close to her when she heard a door open. She hid the shards under her legs quickly as the footsteps of whoever arrived got louder.

Two men wearing Eden’s Gate clothes walked into the room, sneering at her as soon as they spotted her. They didn’t look like anyone she knew.

“Good morning, sunshine.” The one with long unruly hair said.

“So sorry if we kept ‘ya waitin.” The bald one said.

Sydney shook her head. “Oh not at all. Just woke up actually. Comfy floor here.”

“The fuck?” Long-hair asked.

“You have any idea why you’re here, girlie?” bald one asked, and Sydney assumed he was trying to sound intimidating.

“Why bother? You’re gonna explain it to me anyway ri-”

The bald one slammed the butt of his rifle onto her knee. She groaned in pain, but made sure not to lift her leg so much as to make sure the glass was still hidden.

Hopefully they leave her alone again so she could escape.

It was safe to assume these two were part of the group of soldiers who didn’t like her. So Sydney’s only other option of getting out was someone in the compound noticing she was missing, unless of course the two idiots who captured her were actually smart enough to cover their tracks.

How long was she out? All she could tell from the light coming in from the window was that it was daytime.

“You have the guts to speak to us like that? After all you did, sinner.” Long-hair snarled the last word at her.

Sydney rolled her eyes. “Like I said, still waiting for you to fucking explain.” As far as she was concerned, they could even be Resistance agents in disguise who waited for the perfect chance to strike.

But then again, why target her and not the Seed family?

“You think yer so clever, fooling even the Father with yer fake amnesia bullshit.” Bald guy said.

Sydney huffed out a dry laugh. “Trust me, I wish it was fake. Maybe then I’ll know why you two assholes are pulling stupid shit like this.”

“Enough!” Long-hair yelled. “How dare you. How dare you think we can just accept you into our family, attend sermons with us, all because you supposedly forgot.”

“I did.” Sydney emphasized. “You can ask the doctor, he-”

“You just don’t forget the people you killed!”

Sydney froze.

She what?

The silence was deafening and that’s when the voices attacked. Screams, cries, incoherent shouts, gunshots, explosions, fires. They all invaded her mind.

Her blood ran cold, her hands started shaking and her head was throbbing.

She couldn’t freak out, not now. She tried to keep her breathing under control, long enough to ask, “What?” but it came out so pathetic and soft that she wasn’t surprised when they cackled at her.

Long-hair walked in circles around the room as he narrowed his eyes at her. “Killed. Put a bullet in their heads, threw dynamite at them, hell even cracked open their skulls with a fucking shovel!” He stopped in front of her and tightened his fists. “They were my friends! They gave their lives to protect the Father from you. And now he claims you’ll protect us?”

His fist collided with her cheek. He hit hard but it was better than him using the butt of his rifle.

Or actually shooting her with said rifle.

Sydney slowly turned her head back to face them, ignoring the throbbing in her cheek. She could thank him, actually. At least it distracted her enough to calm down a bit.

There were still so many questions she wanted to ask, but asking her captors may not be the greatest idea.

Their friends? So she killed people from the Project?

She instantly thought of Elena, Trevor and Benjamin.

Who did she kill? Why did she kill? And if she did kill people from Eden’s Gate, why was Joseph okay with her staying on?

Then she remembered the Father’s words the day she arrived at the compound.

So now you shall atone.

Oh fuck. Is that what she was atoning for?

He struck her again. “You are a sinner unworthy of joining us at Eden’s Gate! We will avenge our fallen brothers and sisters, we wi-”

“That’s enough, Kevin.” the bald one said as Kevin punched her once more, on the same cheek and Sydney had to spit blood out.

Kevin backed away from her to face his companion. “She deserves a lot more punishment for everyone she’s killed, Norm. You know that.”

Norm sighed. “We got lucky capturing her when we did. But people will wonder where she is soon so we gotta kill her now.”

Even though her face stung and she had to blink a few times for her vision to steady, she was conscious enough to hear what they said. Sydney knew she was running out of time. If she wanted to escape, she had to do it quickly.

With both her captors distracted and turned away from her, she shifted her legs, feeling the cool glass underneath as she inched them closer to her wrists. She dragged her hands down the pipe and closer to the floor, slowly so as to not get their attention.

Some of the shards cut the inside of her leg but it didn’t matter. She could bandage them up when she was free. She couldn’t bandage a bullet hole to the brain.

Sydney finally got one shard close enough to her hands. She stretched her fingers to grab it and fiddled with it as quickly and as subtly as possible.

Thankfully Kevin and Norm were still busy arguing.

“It’s not enough to just kill her and get it over with!” Kevin yelled. “She showed no remorse, so why should we?”

“Because if they catch us we-”

“Rook! Rook, you here?” All three of them froze when they heard a voice from outside the trailer.

Sydney didn’t know whether to feel relieved or frightened when she recognized it as Benjamin’s voice. She couldn’t just scream for help. What if he didn’t have a weapon with him? What if they shot him first? Or shoot her then him?

She hid the broken glass in her hand, closing it in a fist.

“Shit. I told you we shoulda killed her right away, Kev!” Norm hissed.

“Shut the fuck up and let me think!”

Benjamin yelled again. “C’mon, Rook. You better not have left the island.” His voice sounded closer that time.

Kevin took two shallow breaths and gripped his rifle tightly. “All right new plan. We kill ‘im both.”

Fuck this wasn’t good.

Sydney chanced using the shard again. She needed to get rid of them before they hurt her and Benjamin.

“What?” Norm whispered nervously.

“He’s gonna come in regardless.” Kevin said. “I’ll shoot ‘im soon as he opens the door. Then we shoot her. Ain’t that what you wanted?”

Norm shook his head. “We don’t kill our own, brother.”

“I’m the one doin’ the work. I’ll be the one to accept atonement for this. Now stay here, keep your gun on ‘er.”

Kevin left the room quietly… on his way to kill her friend.

Something inside Sydney snapped.

She saw visions of herself breaking necks and cracking bones. She couldn’t see the faces of those she killed, but there were so many. She could easily kill Norm now, free herself with the broken glass then slice his neck open or stab him in the vocal cords.

She knew she could do it. Then she could shoot Kevin easily right before he got to Benjamin.

She could.

But she wouldn’t.

If she was a killer before- and by the sudden wave of images that invaded her head, she really was - she wasn’t one now.

Norm wasn’t focused on her, instead staring out the room probably at Kevin, looking like a nervous wreck. And to think he took a cheap shot to her knee just a while ago.

Sydney took that chance to finally cut through the ziptie. She didn’t waste any time and went straight for a still fidgeting and panicking Norm.

No killing.

So she stabbed his hand with the broken shard before he could react and fight back. He screamed as he dropped his rifle and Sydney grabbed it.

She heard Kevin yell ‘What the hell!’ from out in the corridor but she ignored it. Too busy getting her revenge on Norm by slamming his head with the butt of his own rifle, effectively knocking him out.

She took cover by the wall beside the open doorframe and yelled “Benjamin you better have your damn gun with you!” at the top of her lungs.

“Rook?!” Benjamin called from outside.

Then she instinctively ducked her head when bullets whizzed by her. “You fucking bitch!” Kevin screamed over the gunshots.

She checked the ammo of her own gun and thanked Norm for having it fully loaded.

If Kevin was still inside the trailer, that meant Benjamin was safe. And she had to make sure that didn’t change.

“Stay where you are, Ben!” Sydney screamed over another hail of bullets.

“What the hell’s happening?” was his reply.

Kevin cackled, his footsteps getting closer. “Like you care what happens to my brothers and sisters. I’ll make sure you don’t hurt anyone else!”

Sydney gripped the rifle tight, and after taking a deep breath, she moved out of cover and saw Kevin with his gun aimed right at her.

Jacob’s voice rang in her head.

‘You’ve been a damn good shot since you got to Hope County.’

She shot Kevin once, in the hand close to his rifle’s trigger. Kevin dropped his gun, yelping in pain.

Sydney slammed her rifle onto one of his legs, causing him to fall over.

She stood above him, keeping her rifle aimed. She kicked Kevin’s own weapon away as he groaned in pain on the floor.

“Finish me off then. Release that Wrath within you.” He pointed at the tattoo on her chest weakly.

“Shut up.” she hissed.

“You can’t run from your past, sinner. You ca-”

She put the rifle away to bend over and punch him hard in the face, knocking him out. There, now she paid them both back for what they did to her.

Sydney stepped back until she felt a wall behind her and slumped down, taking deep breaths.

Her adrenaline rush was slowly fading and she could feel the stinging pain on her face again and how her wrists were sore from being tied up for God knows how long.

She heard a door slam open followed by hurried footsteps. She looked up and saw Benjamin, his pistol out.

“Rook?” he asked softly.

If Kevin and Norm were telling the truth and she did kill people from the Project, maybe everyone else probably knew. And the scene in front of Benjamin probably looked suspicious, what with her being the only one conscious among the three people inside.

“They kidnapped me. They were gonna shoot you so I escaped, knocked them out and-”

“Whoa whoa whoa, easy Rook.” Benjamin placed his gun back in his holster and raised his arms up peacefully. “I know you didn’t have anythin’ to do with this.”

Sydney could only nod stiffly, grateful to her friend. “How’d you know to look for me?”

Benjamin placed his hands back down, and knelt beside her. “Elena got worried when you didn’t show up for breakfast this morning. She went to your cabin to check in on ya but you weren’t there. She asked me to help look for ya.”

He turned to Kevin then back at her, smirking. “Though it looks like you didn’t need my help.”

“What time is it?”

“A little past nine in the mornin’.”

She rubbed her sore wrists. Ok so she wasn’t out for long. Bless Elena’s kind heart for worrying over her. Sydney made a mental note to hug the old woman the next time she saw her.

“Let’s get you outta here, Rook.” Benjamin said, standing from his seat. “Need to get some ice for yer face.”

She frowned and looked over at Kevin. “What about him? And his friend in the room over there?”

“Pfft, assholes’re outcold. I’ll send somebody to get ‘im when we get back.”

Which reminded her, “Where are we exactly?”

“Still on the Father’s island. We’re in a little trailer not too far from the compound.”

Sydney laughed dryly. “How the fuck did those two even sneak me out of there?”

“Bah, prolly while everyone was attending the early sermon. Jacob’s right, we got great guards but anyone could pass through if they knew what our church schedules are, dammit.”

Sydney lifted her head up hearing the redhead’s name. “Does Jacob know? That I was gone?”

Benjamin sighed. “No, not yet. The plan was to tell him if I didn’t find you around the island. Luckily these two idiots were too afraid to stray far.”

Part of her was relieved that Jacob didn’t know. It meant she had time to process this new information by herself first. If he were the one who found her, she might’ve exploded and demanded answers from him. What were he and Joseph hiding from her? Why were they hiding it from her?

Sydney took one more deep breath before carefully standing up, mindful of the small cuts she still had on her legs from the glass. She strapped the rifle to her shoulder and brushed her hair away from her face.

She nodded at Benjamin and placed a hand on his shoulder as he helped her stand. “Thanks, Benjamin. For not accusing me of attacking them. Wasn’t sure what you’d think when you walked in and saw two bodies on the floor.”

Benjamin chuckled. “Aww hell, Rook! I got your back, I know you ain’t gonna hurt any of our own, unlike the two fools you knocked out.”

She smiled tiredly at him before heading out of the trailer, Benjamin following behind her.

Outside, there were two Eden’s Gate trucks. She found her jacket in what was probably Kevin and Norm’s vehicle.

Benjamin guided her to the passenger seat of the other truck before getting into the driver’s seat himself.

He started the engine before turning to her and softly saying, “Hey, I don’t know what those two said to you but, you’re a good person, Rook. We know you’re atoning.”

Sydney let out a short sob, willing herself not to cry. She nodded, keeping her eyes on the road in front of her.

And because she didn’t trust her voice not to crack, she simply said, “Thank you.”

--------------

It was a short drive back to the compound. Benjamin insisted she visit the infirmary first while he went to find Elena.

The doctor informed her nothing was broken. He gave her an ice pack for the swelling on her face to go down and disinfected the cuts on her legs. Thankfully the punches she took weren’t that strong, she only had a few bruises that should be gone in a day.

Elena practically busted the infirmary doors open, her eyes frantic until she spotted Sydney. The old woman looked like she was about to cry, hugging Sydney tightly. Sydney couldn’t help but hug her back, thanking her for being one of the reasons she was able to escape.

When the doctor was done assessing her, Sydney was free to go.

“You need me to stay with you, hun? Just ‘til you fall asleep?” Elena offered as they walked back to Sydney’s cabin.

Sydney shook her head. “That’s very kind of you to offer but I’ll be fine, thank you. You’ve done more than enough for me, already.”

“Oh hush girl! Like I said, we’re family. Then I’ll be back later to drop off your lunch. You just lie down and get your rest.”

“Thank you, that’d be great.”

They went their separate ways and Sydney saw her cabin in front of her.

She would’ve been relieved if not for Jacob leaning on the door.

She felt her heart sink. As much as she wanted to talk to him about what happened, she needed time to go over her thoughts first, untangle the memories that had begun to resurface.

Sydney stopped right in front of Jacob, who stared down at her intensely.

“You look like shit.” he simply said.

“It looks worse than it feels.”

He brought his hand up to move the hair away from her face, surprising her. He whistled as he looked over the swelling. “Damn, that’s still gotta sting though.”

Her chest tightened as Jacob casually and gently touched her, staring at her with those piercing blue eyes of his that sparkled when he genuinely laughed.

Funny how just a few hours ago, she did see them sparkle and she heard that wonderful laugh of his that made her smile when she and Jacob were talking over glasses of milk.

Then she got kidnapped, found out she was a killer and they didn’t tell her.

She turned her head slightly and Jacob paused before putting his hand back down. “The doc said I should be fine by tomorrow.”

He was still blocking her way and Sydney was about to politely ask him to step aside when he suddenly said, “The guys that took you, they-”

“I didn’t kill them.” she hissed.

“Hey, relax. I know. Your friend Benjamin told me.”

“Then can I go? I wanna get out of these dirty clothes already.”

“Look, Sydney I just-”

“Not now just… not now.” Sydney said softly, hoping he wouldn’t push her further. She didn’t feel like exploding in front of Jacob and the whole compound.

She needed to be alone with her thoughts, settle the crazy mess in her head first.

Jacob sighed heavily before finally moving out of her way. “At least get somethin’ to eat.”

His arm brushed hers as he passed her. She didn’t look back at him as she entered her cabin and closed the door behind her. Ironic how the last time they parted ways, it was a completely different mood.

Sydney took a quick shower to wash all the dirt and blood off of her before putting on some clean underwear and dressing in an oversized white shirt with the Project’s logo on it.

Her cheeks and jaw began to throb painfully and she patted them with the ice pack she was given. She stared up at the ceiling and allowed herself to process what she learned earlier, hoping the voices in her head would cooperate.

#jacob x sydney #jacob seed #deputy sydney williams #far cry 5 #far cry #jacob x female deputy #my writing #my fic

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aquaticalay · 5 years

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Old Flames Die Hard (The Mandalorian x reader)

Summary: You've only seen Din Djarin's face once before, when you were younger. Now he shows up at your door looking for shelter, and he can't help but crave your touch.

Warning: fluffy smut and blindfolding. Bit of angst :)

Word count: 2.6k

Note: literally no one asked for this, but I'm in love with Mando, so enjoy! :)))

Also I'm reuploading this bcs tumblr apparently hates me and they took this off the tags

Your peaceful reading was disturbed by the sound of a firm knock on your door. You look. away from you scrolls, wondering who might be here this early in the morning.

Walking to the front door of your hut, you peek from the hole of the door viewer to check who it was.

A familiar helmet and figure stood on the other side of the door. You inhale sharply because the figure was too familiar.

What could he want from you? After all this time?

You open the door, an inevitable warm smile plastered to your face.

"Hello," you say, keeping your composure straight.

"Hello, (Y/n)," he greets. You could see how tense he becomes. You wish you could see his reaction, his emotions through the helmet, but you know better.

"What are you doing in Takodana?" You ask, tilting your head in curiosity.

So she still has it, Mando thinks to himself, those hypnotic eyes full of wonder. A gaze he had not been able to resist then.

"I need a place to lay low," he tells you. If there was ever a coldness to his voice, it was easing.

"Why—" you start to say, but was interrupted by a small, adorable squeal of a small, pale green child with eyes bigger than his nose and ears longer than his arms.

You knelt down. "Hi, little one," you coo, letting its tiny tridactyl hands curl on your pointer finger. "Where did Mando find you, hm?" You added.

"Are we welcomed inside?" Mando asks, a hint of uncertainty in his voice. You lifted the infant, rocking him gently in your arms.

You nod. "Of course. Come in."

You lay the child on a bed of fur, making sure he is comfortable. When you pull your arms away from the child, it let out a high-pitched noise. It didn't want you to go.

You shush him attentively. "It's okay," you say quietly, "I am not leaving, I will be right here."

Even with your back facing Mando, you could feel his piercing stare.

When the child yawned and relaxed, you let him rest. You take a seat on a table not far from him, where Mando was sitting across from you.

"So," you cross you arms on your chest, "Why are you running this time?"

"The child is a bounty," he tells you.

"Ah," you say, leaning back on your chair. "You helped him escape?"

He nods.

To an extent, knowing Mando rescued this child restored your faith in him. You shake your head, letting out a cynical chuckle. "This is why I am a bounty hunter no more."

"What are you now?" He asks. For the first time since he got here, you can hear that he still cares.

"A scholar," you answer lightly. "I teach travelers now."

He nods again, but does not answer with words.

"Tell me more, Mando," you start to say, "about what you've been up to."

And he does just that for the next hour or so. You listen intently, lost in his tales of exciting adventures.

You excuse yourself to your room, telling him that you needed rest after a long night of reading scrolls. You made it clear that he could knock anytime, and he could sleep to the next room if he wanted to.

You lay on the bed, trying to rest.

You could not. Not with the Mandalorian out there. Too many memories, good and bad, about him, and with him.

After fifteen minutes, you heard a knock on the door.

You sit up immediately, "Come in."

The door creaks open, and Mando steps in. A full second passed before you stood up, and it was easily the longest second of your life.

"The child is asleep," he states. His voice slightly falters, revealing the possibility of a hidden intention.

You step closer to him, until there is so little space between the two of you, not even a scroll could fit in the middle.

You both know neither of you could hold back the unspoken silence. After all, you can't just pretend that what happened between the two of you never happened.

"What are you thinking?" He asks, his voice quivering.

You have tried to be strong, but now a pearl-like tear slid down your face. You let your arm rest on his beskar helmet, where the line of his jaw would be. "Just curious," you manage to say, "of how you've changed. How you look like now, Din."

At the mention of his birth name, his breathing hitched. As far as he was concerned, you were the only one alive who knew his name, aside from the creed.

Years ago, the night before you left the guild, you were faced with a similar situation.

You told him you were going to leave. He met you in your quarters, and there, he had given you permission to lift his helmet off his head.

You had admired him. The first and only time you saw him, you noticed how beautiful he was, strong and mature features with a boyish smile. At that point, you were convinced the Maker accidentally made an angel in the place of a human.

You kissed him that night, all tongue and teeth clashing in desperation, and you had taken him to your bed, to have one last night with him. Limbs tangled and fingers entwined, he had declared his love to you, and you did, too. Neither you nor him regretted it. The only thing you wish you could do was take him with you when you escaped the guild. You left the day after, with a heavy heart and a memory that was damn near impossible to forget.

He was an old flame that died hard.

Only for you, he had broken his vow.

You had kept it a secret since.

You have to make sure it stayed a secret, or the Mandalorians will not let his put his helmet back on.

Now, his hands are on either side of his helmet. He slowly slides it up. "Why don't you find out?" He asks, almost taunting, challenging.

Before he could lift his helmet too far off, you gently brought both your hands over his, and pulled the steel dome back down.

"No," you let out a ghostly whisper. "Don't."

"Do you not lov— want me anymore?" His voice shatters. That's how you know that he is as heartbroken as you. "Is there someone else?" He asks, his voice straining.

"No," you say. The dam behind your eyes broke, tears dropping off your chin. It wasn't crying, no. It was the beginning of a desolate sobbing that came from a person who had built a wall over their emotions. "There has never been anyone but you, Din. There will never be."

He pushed his gloves off, the metal pieces carelessly clanging to the floor. His calloused fingers wiped your tears away, rubbing circles on your skin. "Then I ask for your permission to do this once again."

You step back, and his hand falls back hopelessly to his sides.

"I want to," you whisper, only barely audible, "But I will not. For your sake. I will not let you break your vow again."

"You did not mind when you held me that night, in Navarro." His voice is now softer, defeated. He will not ask again, if you do not wish to, but he had to know why.

You hold his hand. You step forward again, this time the gesture was more certain. "We were young. I did not understand what the Mandalorians meant back then. I am a scholar, Din. I learn, especially from my mistakes," Gently, you kisse his palm. It's a show of affection, and Din let you.

By any means, you did not think he was a mistake. The night you spent wasn't a mistake either. The mistake was simply your lack of experience. Your lack of knowledge.

You continue, "I did not respect the Mandalorians enough, then. I did not respect you enough. I do now."

He moves his hand, and you let it wander your facial features.

His hand moves to your hair. He unties your headband, a piece of cloth that held your locks together. You hair spill on over your eyes, and he tucks them behind your ears.

Oh, you thought to yourself.

Your mouth opened a little, realizing his intentions. His finger went under your chin, lifting it up. "Do you know what I'm about to do?"

He asks, his voice as coarse as sand.

"Yes," you admit.

"Would you let me?"

"Yes."

"Do you trust me?" He asks one last time.

You have never been more certain, "Yes."

Slowly, but surely, he covers your eyes with the cloth of your headband. He tied a knot on the back of your head, not too tight to hurt you, but tight enough so it wouldn't fall off.

He was a smart man, and still is.

"Can you see?" He asks.

"No," you reply honestly. Almost breathless, you thank the Maker that the questions he's been asking doesn't need more than a one-word answer at a time.

"Can I take my helmet off now?"

"Yes," you sigh. You can hear him taking it off and you assumed he laid it on the floor.

You gasp when you felt your lips against his, cold and desperate. Isolated, almost. You could feel the relief in his touch. He cups your cheeks, pulling you up towards him. What he looked like, you did not care. You know that this is him, at the fact alone is enough. It was the same person you made love to all those years ago. You know because you remember every waking moment of it.

You let the kiss become feverish and heated, placing your hand blindly on his shoulders and around his neck. You did not need to see him to know that he was smiling against your lips, that his cheeks was just as soaked with tears as yours.

Low groans unintentionally flutter out of his mouth, music to your ears.

Your hands make their way to his cheeks, caressing the rough skin. Stripped of your sight, you trail you fingers on his cheekbones and jawline to get a sense of what he looks like now.

He pulls apart from the kiss, and you manage to hold on to his shoulders for support. You felt his hot breath against your temple, and you shiver because of it.

"Are you sure you want this?" He asks, hopeful but uncertain. His voice is clear now, unmodulated and raw. Easier to read.

"I want this. You, Din," you whisper, raspy words dripping in desperation, "please."

Gently, his hands dance to your hips, gently squeezing it. He steps forward, pushing you until you feel your blanket and bed on the back of your feet.

He drags the invisible weight off your shoulders, making you sit down on your bed.

You let go of him for a split second, feeling lost in the dark. Then, you hear the unmistakable clutter of beskar on the floor. Piece by piece, he placed it on the ground, his adrenaline pumping from the sight of you attentively waiting for his to strip himself off his heavy armor.

When the soft metallic noises stop and you felt his hands on your waist, you knew he was done. His hands went to your fabric belt, the only thing that held your robe together. Untying it, he pushes the article clothing off, until you were completely bare to him.

"My love." He pressed a kiss on your forehead, mouth trailing down to your nose, then to your lips. This time he doesn't hesitate, and he knocks the air straight out of your lungs. You return it with just as much passion, encouraging him to come closer.

He opens his mouth, and you feel his tongue brush on yours, fiery and longing. He pushed even further, and you let him, until your the crown of your head hits the soft pillow beneath. You can feel him hover, shifting half of his weight on you. You let his mouth leave kisses down your neck, biting once in a while as he goes.

It was hard to think of him as a battle-hardened bounty hunter now that he was over you, peppering loving kisses, making sure you were taken care of.

Your hands travel you his curly locks. You massage his scalp, tugging ever so slightly. You imagine his chestnut hair, the same color you've seen before, maybe with a few grey hairs given by time.

"Din," you manage to say, "Please. I can't take it anymore."

You feel him lick a stripe from your collarbone to your jawline, nipping at your skin. "Patience, my love," he mutters in your ear, pressing his teeth to you earlobe.

You shudder, heart thumping faster than your ribcage can handle.

You drag your hands down, raking his bare back. Caving into his touch, you feel your heat pooling between your legs.

You bite your lip instinctively, holding a moan. He does not say anything, but you knew it drove him crazy.

His hand rub on your lips, and you take advantage by pressing your tone on the pad of his finger.

"You're as beautiful as I remember," he admits. He sounds a bit sad.

He should've gone to find you sooner. If he could turn back time, that was the only thing he'd change.

You reply with a long purr.

His left palm runs down, squeezing your hips.

"No need for foreplay?" He asks, and you swear you could hear a hint of amusement in his voice, perhaps to cheer himself up. He probably noticed how wet you were, how submissive and desperate.

"No," you yelp, feeling his length against your core, "Just make love to me."

He takes the consent, sliding his cock into you. You mewl, trying your best to steady yourself, hands holding on to his back. He moves when you beg him to, rapidly slamming into you. It was slow at first, but your otherworldly moans encourage him to go faster.

His legs tangled with yours, he rocks up and down, providing counter-resistance. His rhythm ends you into cloud nine, sultry and irresistable. His hips move in a figure-8 motion, his pubic bone stimulating your bundle of nerves with explosive friction.

His breath was as heavy as yours. His lips latch on your shoulder, burying his neck into your shoulder. He does this to suppress his filthy moans so he doesn't wake the child. You, on the other hand, was forced to bite your lip, swallowing your groans.

"Din," you whisper, tone going up in pitch.

"I know, I know," he licks the shell of your ear, "Come with me."

His voice undid you, becoming the catalyst of your long-awaited satisfaction.

He rides your high, coming only a few seconds later. His heavy moans turning fulfilled breathing.

He drops to the space next to you, your back pressed to his chest, his hands secured around your waist, you own hands on top of them, rubbing comforting circles.

The blindfold on you is still tightly wrapped, not losing its integrity at all. Frankly, you don't mind. You did not have to see him to enjoy his company. That's how much you trust him.

"Promise me," you say, your voice only barely audible, "that this is not the last time."

"I promise," he hums, his nose affectionately pressed into your hair.

You did not need to hear him say 'I love you' to know that he does.

-end

#the mandalorian #the mandalorian smut #the mandalorian x reader #the mandalorian imagine #the mandalorian imagines #din djarin #din djarin x reader #din djarin imagine #din djarin imagines #din djarin smut #pedro pascal #pedro pascal imagines #pedro pascal x reader #pedro pascal imagine

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evak-fic-rec-turtleanon · 4 years

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Evak Fic Rec - Angst

Here are SOME of the angsty fics i love. They range from light to heavy angst. Make sure you read the tags. Some of these deal with heavy themes. A few I haven't read but I want to. I sure I'm forgetting a bunch of angsty fics I love. I wish I could make a comprehensive list but that's just impossible. If you want to suggest fics, I'll be happy to check them out. For the anon from this ask.

** Angst with happy ending ** No happy ending

***** With Happy Ending *****

(2017) Where's my Love by suckmyboardbxtch (757 words) - Even is in a depressive episode. Kinda ambiguous ending. I love this one so much. It's very short but it moved me.

(2017) Not Always Soft by scritch (1k words) - Here is what they don't tell you about the sadness. What sadness is like for Even. Ends on a hopeful note.

(2017) Alone by waitineedaname (2k words) - Character death. Painful. Kinda happy ending.

(2017) Love (in all it's boring simplicity) by verlore_poplap (2.8k words) - Even breaks Isak's heart in this one. Break up au.

(2017) To Burn With Desire by photographer_of_thoughts (6k words) - Unrequited love though not really. kinda angsty.

(2020) a garden for your love by eggsntoast (9.3k words) - Light angst I think. Hanahaki au. Funny and angsty and sweet and beautiful.

(2019) Your presence still lingers here by nofeartina (11k words) - Even is immortal. Isak isn't. Can you already feel the angst from that description? Because let me tell ya, it starts out fluffy but you can just see the angst underlying it. And then the angst hits and it's a delicious pain. With every update Amy Lee's voice gets louder and louder in my head. (I didn't pick Rearranged because I think that's a popular one. But if you haven't read it, please do so. It has a lovely amount of angst.)

(2018) shrivelfig by towonderland72 (kittpurrson) (11k words) - Reuploaded in 2020. Delicious angst mixed with a Potter au? Sign me up. tender (is the night) is also one of the popular angsty fics.

(2018) Lighthouse by Laika_the_husband (12k words) - I've been wanting to start this fic. Seems like a good amount of angst.

(2018) in these deep solitudes and awful cells by hippopotamus (14k words) - Post break up au. This one hurt (I say that like the rest of this list don't hurt)

(2017) Sideways and Slantways by iriswests (17k words) - Isak gets stuck in an elevator with the one person he's vowed never to speak to again. Moderate angst, I think with fluff sprinkled all over. I did not pick TMTTS because that one is pretty popular.

(2019) The Glow of the Cities Below Lead Us Back by LavenderWater (22k words) - Character death but it has a happy ending. Exactly a year to the day after Isak and Jonas die in an apartment fire, Even meets a strange man outside of his grief group. This man asks Even an impossible question: Would he rather move on from the pain of losing Isak or, if he could, would he chose to go back to him knowing what he knows now? Beautiful fic

(2017) Hard Knocks by DiscoNight (25k words) - The angst in this made me angry at everybody, I wanted to fight someone. Isak gets very hurt emotionally and physically. Dom/sub dynamic between Isak and Even.

(2018) Just your average ordinary everyday Superhero by vorfm95 (34k words) - Angsty superhero soulmate au. Has character death but it's a happy ending.

(2017) What Death Doesn't Touch by smokeshop (41k words) - I love this fic! It's been a long time since I read it so I can't remember what level of angst this is. Maybe moderate to heavy? I do remember that it is really good. They meet in a psychiatric hospital and grow in ways they'd never intended, and decide early on that they don't have to take it all so seriously.

(2019) Supernova by hannakin (45K words) - Childhood friends who drifted apart. Isak is angry at the world. He is lonely but determined that he is better off alone. People tell Even to not bother. That Isak is not worth it. But how can he not? All he wants is to see Isak smile again. Arghh the angst!

(2018) four movements on a first wedding by chevythunder (47k words) - Isak's spent years keeping his distance to Even, worried that any kind of closeness could trigger feelings he won't be able to suppress. Waking up married to Even after a blurry night in Las Vegas throws a slight wrench in those plans. Angsty. Theres's a cat. I loved the minor characters.

(2017) Don't Fuss Over Me by everything_else (53k words) - I love this fic so much! Involves an abusive relationship. A lot of angst and a lot of healing.

(2019) The first star you see may not be a star by Laika_the_husband (53k words) - I LOVE Laika's fics. He has a bunch of fics with heavy themes and this angsty one really cut deep for me. Isak is a sex worker who specializes in services of not traditionally sexual nature. Even, his new client has a request that is not the most bizarre, but the most disturbing one Isak has ever received. The fic ends on a hopeful note. And there is a short sequel that is fluffier.

(2017) Legitimate Expectations by champagneleftie (57k words) - Listen. The angst is quite heavy with this one. Involves infidelity. Such a good fic.

(2017) That's Not My Name by cuteandtwisted (61k words) - No angst list would be complete without Wiss but I think fics like BFYT have been mentioned a lot so I've picked an older fic to rec. One night stand that does not stay a one night stand.

(2019/2020) I Can Hardly Breathe by Flatfootmonster (82k words) - This is mostly moderate angst I think. There's a lot of fluff too. But there is a particular scene but that is straight up heavy angst. I love Bec's writing. If you get a chance to read their other stuff, you'll not regret it.

(2017) Don't Let Me Go by unfancyandy (86k words) - This one is in my to read. It seems like a very angsty fic going by the comments. And everybody has a lot of praise for it. Has the major character death tag. I'm not sure who died but I believe this has a happy ending.

(2018) Next to you, is where I call home by LostInAdmiration (101k words) - Childhood best friend au so you know there is pining. Inspired by the movie Jongens. They are in a track team.

(2017) The Oceans Shall Freeze by DiscoNight, realityiwanted (121k words) - The viking fic. yeah.gif

(2017) All Stories Are Echoes by sebastianL (123k words) - There is no way I can make a list that fit this fic and not put it on there. It's ASAE. It's sad, and beautiful and just everything. It's in first person pov which I usually have problems with and yet this is one of the best things I've read. It just works.

(WIP) (2017) Crash Into Me by endlessandinfinite (155k words) - I haven't read this yet but @isaksforelsket highly recommends it so I wanted to put this on here. I can't wait to start this fic!

(2017) Cleansing my Soul by imissedyourskin (217k words) - This is an incredible fic. Even fights for equal rights and is openly pansexual. Isak is a quiet admirer unsure of his sexuality. But there is always more than meets the eye...

***** No Happy Ending *****

70% of these are character death fics. Just ask if you want clarity on which ones they are

(2018) fade by hippopotamus (568 words) - Even fades away in a hospital, and Isak fades away with him

(2018) I will be the one to make you crawl by Tuii (1k words) - Not happy ending ish? A look into what it's like to be bipolar

(2017) you've got the light to fight the shadows by orphan_account (1k words) - Isak's thoughts after Even introduced Sonja.

(2020) Freedom by Hibiskisss (1.3k words) - Sad and beautiful. You decide whose pov it is.

(2017) We're the Masters of Our Own Fate by obscurial (1.8k words) I read this in bits and pieces because it is so good but so painful. I will come back and read the whole thing. My dearest Isak. Before you continue reading, I want you to know that this is not your fault. Isak returns to the hotel room, but this time, he is alone.

(2018) so lucky that you were mine by empty_venom (2k words) - Not a happy ending but kinda ends on a slightly comforting note. Very slightly, though. It's still heartbreaking.

(2018) Four Hours by bri_ness (2.2k words) - It's not heavy angst but it feels like heavy angst. Throat hurting because you're trying not to cry kinda pain. A fleeting moment of connection that was not allowed to go further.

(2019) ghosts that we knew by thekardemomme (2.5k words) - I cried so hard.

(2019) I'm Gonna See Some Friends by Wrappedbubble (4k words) - Oh this was painful.

(2018) pieces by tusktooth (4k words) - Painful! Isak wakes up in a hospital the day after Eva's party. The doctor tells him that he was in a coma.

(2018) I'll be right beside you by hannakin (20k words) - I haven't read this one but I skimmed the ending because that's what I do when there's character death mentioned and this looks like the kind of fic that would crack my heart open so I had to add it on here.

#evak fic rec #skam fic rec #personal recs #reminder these are my opinions #whats angsty for me may not be angsty for you :D #angst

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ilovethetalkingclock · 6 years

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Little Slugger

(Reuploaded from my Wattpad and my regression sideblog cause i was and still am proud of this even tho I made it way before ep 13!)

Baseball, feeling rather glum, finds a way to cope. What will happen when one of his greatest friends finds out?

(DON’T TAG AS: dd.lb, md.lb, ab.dl, cg.l, ki.nk, ns.fw, inanimate in.sin.ity or age.play)

(OK TO TAG AS: Mental regression, agere, age regression, angst, cute, hurt/comfort)

Baseball stared at the night sky out the hotel room window. While he was out of the show and with Nickel again, he still felt rather down, mostly because he was still overcome with shock that Suitcase would just break the alliance apart like that. Yeah, Nickel was a jerk, but maybe Suitcase could just confront Nickel about it? No, wait, she did something like that! He didn't really listen… Still… Baseball and Nickel were friends, no matter how mean Nickel was. And while he hated to admit it, Baseball was also a bit clingy for Nickel internally, and he knew that was kinda taking over when Suitcase voted him off, much to his own dismay. Baseball sighed, he really didn't know what to do…

"Baseball, it's getting late."

Nickel came into the room. Baseball turned and smiled a little, letting out another sigh.

"I know."

The large object hopped onto the bed, with the coin following suit. Nickel closed his eyes, drifting off into slumber. Baseball's eyes, meanwhile, stayed open. He'd been having trouble sleeping lately due to his current state. Not only that, but he also… wanted to go back to simpler times. Much simpler times. Baseball looked at his foot. He looked at Nickel, making sure he was sleeping, then looked back at his foot again. He really needed some form of comfort at the moment, and didn't want to disrupt Nickel's sleep. Baseball sighed once more and put the foot in his mouth, sucking on it. Dumb as it looked, he liked the motion. It was pretty soothing. As he suckled, he slowly closed his eyes and fell asleep, foot still in his mouth.

As Nickel woke, he looked to his right and noticed something. Baseball was still sleeping, which was strange, since Baseball usually woke up first. And as he was doing so, he was sucking his foot. Nickel raised an eyebrow in wonder. 'I thought he didn't do that anymore?', he thought. He then shrugged it off and left the room to get breakfast. He wasn't a big jerk as he was before, and was starting to get better. Hell, he even was slowly making amends with Balloon! Though that was initially because some objects, like Salt, Pepper, Bomb, Pickle, and especially OJ had now gotten Balloon's back. As he ate his bacon, Nickel thought again, this time pretty hard, about what he saw that morning. He sympathetically wondered and worried about Baseball. He saw Baseball's behavior in previous episodes of the show after his elimination. Nickel admitted that was kind of his fault, and he did apologize. But now he wanted to make up for it more.

He decided to get some pancakes for his friend. Taking the plate up to their room, he knocked on the door. It took about 10 seconds for Baseball to open.

"Hey." Baseball smiled slightly.

Nickel decided not to point out the drool on Baseball's foot, fearing what would happen. He put the plate of pancakes down and started cutting them up. Baseball just looked on, his eyes widening when Nickel poked some pieces with the fork and held it to Baseball's face. Nervous, Baseball smiled.

"Uh.. you do realize... I can feed myself?"

"I know, I know… I just wanted to be nice…" He smiled, still holding the fork.

Baseball shrugged and decided to take a bite out of the pancakes anyway, smiling. They were really good! This continued until the plate was empty. Baseball's face was slightly covered in syrup, making Nickel smile at the sight. He then picked the plate and fork up to bring it back down to be washed. Meanwhile, Baseball sat and frowned. He liked that, yes, but was Nickel genuinely being nice? Or did he see him sucking his foot in his sleep and was making fun of him for it? He decided to forget about it, turning the small tv on to his likes. As Nickel was putting the fork and plate away, he wondered if he went too far with that. 'Baseball sucks his foot again, so what?' He thought to himself. He decided that once he saw Baseball again, he would apologize. Nickel got to their door again, he swore he heard "The Backyardigans" playing on the room's TV before he heard it shut off.

Once again, Baseball opened the door.

This time, however, he looked pretty miserable…

Nickel sighed, "Baseball, I just want to apologize if you thought I was making fun of you for… sucking your own foot, and I just wanted to… I thought it would make you happy and I wanted it as a way to make up for you-know-what again… and.. And-"

"Nickel… you don't need to apologize. I'm weird, I know…"

"What do you mean?"

"The thing is… I've just felt pretty down recently. Like, I know Suitcase had a perfectly good reason to vote you out, but I'm still shocked that she would.. Do that.. And… I kinda wish I could go back to days where I was happier… with little to no cares in the world… where things were much simpler… so I just wanted to behave… younger at times I can… I know… it's unsettling and insane… I'm a freak… you should just go…"

Tears were pouring out of Baseball's eyes, and he started sobbing. It was only a matter of seconds 'til Baseball fell to his rear and the sobs became full blown wailing. Nickel thought for a moment. Baseball was his best friend, he wouldn't leave him now! In fact, he wanted to stay with him much longer! He walked to Baseball and hugged him as tight as he could.

"Wh… what are you.."

"There's no way I'm going just because of some coping mechanism. Everyone has their own ways of relaxing and relieving stress, hell, I'm sure there are more people who have similar ways like you! I'll repeat, everyone has their own ways of coping with stuff like anxiety, stress, and depression! And you are still the Baseball I know!"

Baseball looked at Nickel. He could feel his heart melting upon hearing those words, and it would become a complete puddle upon hearing the next words Nickel said.

"In fact… how would you feel if I said... I want to give you some care while you're…"

"Regressed?"

"Yeah… or would you think I'm making fun of-"

"I would really like that, actually."

The two exchanged smiles as they hugged each other once more.

Nickel awoke to sobs at around 5 in the morning. He turned to Baseball, who was, indeed, the source of the cries.

"Something wrong?" Nickel held onto Baseball, calming the larger object down a little.

"Nightmare…" Baseball said between sobs, not even bothering to make a full sentence.

"I see…" Nickel nodded his head, going into the drawer of the nightstand next to the bed and pulling out a red and white pacifier he bought, placing it in Baseball's mouth.

Baseball suckled on the given soother, calming near completely as Nickel rubbed his back. The item was bought by Nickel along with many other childish supplies like dolls and children's books throughout the days ever since Baseball revealed his secret to Nickel. The larger of the two looked down at his roommate and asked,

"Can I watch Dinosaur Train?"

"If you promise to sleep again soon, then yes."

Nickel got out of the bed and got out a Dinosaur Train DVD, placing it in the DVD player connected to the small TV, playing episodes of the show. Nickel smiled and got back on the bed. Baseball held onto him, still sucking on the pacifier as he watched, falling asleep during the fourth episode that played. Smiling, the shorter object tucked him in the bed, softly petting his head.

"Sleep well, Little Slugger..."

The End

#inanimate insanity #ii baseball #ii nickel #angst #hurt/comfort #hurt comfort #story #agere #mental regression #age regression #cute #fanfic #oneshot

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jo-the-schmo · 7 years

Text

Breaking... Epilogue Part 2/3 (reupload)

Part 1, masterlist is linked to that

A/N: Idk if this’ll work so we’ll see I guess ;-; I know most of you guys use mobile so I had to make it mobile friendly...even though it looked super cool on my laptop

Wordcount: 4014

Warnings: Everything

Tags: @midnightokieriete (I know you’re studying ;-;) @renae-writes @deltablue202 @literally-melonkitty @meunicorn @favouritefighting-frenchman @demi-godamit @gum-and-chips @sweaterkitty-fluff @pinkyiger7 @littlemissshortcakes @msageofenlightenment @unprofessional-inhumanbeing @fandom-panda-221@hummusandchips @spoopy-piineapple @ashwolfcub @myself-and-the-madman @sweet-fate @superwholockbooknerd526 @frozengal2013 @itsmikayblr @sarmar29 @arya-durin-77 @phantastic-fandoms @hoshihime98 @shinigamired @martapetrovic @robotic-space@iamnotthrowingawaymyshit2 (lol) @asprinkleofmermaids @pinkyiger7 (I’m tagging you twice my friend!) @satellitesuga @rose-coloured-nihilism @okie-dokie-artichokeme @alyssumax @pandartist @marquiis-de-la-baguette @abi-sans05 (If I forgot anyone then I am so sorry!!! .-.)

Who in the hell…?

Eliza: “Alright, alright that’s very good. Now don’t worry you’re going to survive this!”

She separated from her and the woman stood tall in the center of the room. Is everything going okay?

???: “I’m carried into the room!”

EN (Ensemble): “To the room, to the room, to the room!”

???: “Blood down my side.”

EN: “Down her side, down her side, down her side!”

???: “And they wonder, will I live or will I die?

They let me in…”

EN: “They let her in, they let her live!”

???: “And they hope I will survive.”

EN: “Stay alive, stay alive…”

???: “But I believe that…I should never be satisfied!”

EM: “Rewind….!”

There was some sort of backwards screaming sound as she spun anxiously in a circle.

???: “I remember that night,

I’ll never forget that night for the rest of my days.

I remember that suitor’s voice,

Pissed off because he’ll never win my praise.

I remember that dreamlike, dirt and fight,

Like a dream that you can’t quite place.

Philip: “But my starlight,

I’ll never forget the first time I saw your face.

I have never been the same.

Intelligent eyes in a hunger-pane frame!

And when you said ‘Bye’

I knew you won the game!

Set my heart aflame, every part aflame!”

The man playing Philip danced in toward her with a doe like expression.

???: “When you asked me what’s my name!”

Philip: “You strike me,

As a woman I could surely satisfy.”

???: “I’m sure I don’t know what you mean,

get over yourself.”

She turned her back to him.

Philip: “But you’re like me,

I’m never satisfied.”

???: “Isn’t that fine?”

Philip: “I could help you be satisfied…”

She turned back around hesitantly and held out her hand.

???: “My name is Titania Taylor.”

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, THERE! BACK THE FUCK UP A SECOND!

Philip: “Call me Philip Hamilton.

Where’s your family from?”

Titania: “Unimportant, there’s a million things I haven’t done.

But just you wait! Just you wait!”

They began to dance around each other with choreography. Is that…me?

Philip: “So, so, so!

So this is what it feels like to match wits,

With someone at your level!

What the hell is the catch?

There’s a feeling of freedom, of seeing the light!

It’s Ol’Franklin with a key and a kite,

You feel that right?

Our conversation could’ve last two minutes,

Maybe 3 minutes!

Not everything we said in total agreement-

It’s a dream!

Maybe it’s a trance,

It could be her posture; it could be her stance!

I’m a bit of a flirt, but she could give me chance!

We asked about her family, did you see her answer?

Her hands started fidgeting,

She looked askance!

She’s now penniless but she never knew how to dance!

Gorgeous, God she don’t know it!

Strong girl, she knows that she owns it!”

Titania: “I wanna take him far away from this place,

Then I turn and see that boy’s face and he is-“

Philip: “Helpless!”

Titania: “And I know he is!”

Philip: “Helpless!”

Titania: “And his eyes are just!”

Philip: “Helpless!”

Titania: “And I realize,

Three fundamental truths at the exact same time!”

They came together and linked arms.

Titania: “Where are you taking me?”

Philip: “I plan to change your life.”

Titania: I regret letting you lead the way…”

EN: “Number one!”

Titania: “I’m a girl in a world,

In which everyone thinks I should marry rich!

My Father had no son,

So I was the one, who was supposed to strive for one!

But I’m boldest, and the silliest,

And no one should love me, that’s ridiculous!

But Philip Hamilton is the wittiest!

Ha!

That sure don’t mean I want him any less…”

Philip: “Do you see the starlight? It reminds me of you!”

Titania: “Starlight?”

Philip: “My Starlight…”

EN: “Number two!”

Titania: “They’re still after me,

Because I have no sister and my parents died.

I’d have to be naïve to not step aside.

Maybe that is why,

I take comfort in Eliza, I can’t decide!

Nice going, Titania!

I was right, I will never be satisfied…

Thank you for showing me this…”

Philip: “If it takes a million years for you to see,

It would still be worth it.”

Titania: “I’ll hold you to it.”

EN: “Number three!”

Titania: “He knows me more than I know my own mind!

I will never find anyone as trusting or as kind!

If I tell him that I love him,

I’d be setting him behind,

He’d be mine!

He would say it’s fine!

I’d think he’s lying!

But when I fanaticize at night,

It’s into Philip’s eyes.

As I romanticize,

What would happen if I recite…

My love profusely…

All I want is to be called his wife!”

Philip: “…You’ll always have my eyes in your life…”

Titania: “They’d say…

To the groom!”

EN: “To the groom, to the groom, to the groom!”

Titania: “To the bride!”

EN: “To the bride, to the bride, to the bride!”

Titania: “It could be real as…

As long as I stay alive!

To our union!”

EN: “They let her in, they let her live!”

Titania: “And the hope that we provide!”

EN: “Stay alive, stay alive!”

Titania: “May we always be satisfied!”

EN: “Satisfied, satisfied…”

Titania: “And I know…

I’d be happy as his bride…

And I know….

I will truly be satisfied,

Can I help him be satisfied?”

It took you a moment to notice the tears streaming down your face. That was you, or at least that version of you. Someone who was unsure, scared and self-sacrificing. It was almost surreal, seeing someone pretend to be you, be your voice, speak your thoughts and show your own story. It felt like being the author of a book that was turned into a movie. Washington On Your Side started up with Burr’s voice and you wondered what else was different. And then it happened again, in We Know. It seemed normal but there was another person there, the woman playing Titania. She was off to the side, still prominent in the scene but almost like she was hiding from the other four men on the stage. From time to time you could hear her voice faintly under the others’.

Alex: “Mister Vice President

Mister Madison

Senator Burr

What is this?”

Jefferson: “We have the check stubs, from separate accounts.”

Madison: “Almost a thousand dollars, paid in different amounts.”

Burr: “To a Mister James Reynolds way back in

Seventeen ninety-one.”

Alex: “Is that what you have, are you done?”

Madison: “You are uniquely situated by virtue of your position.”

Jefferson: “Though ‘virtue’ is not a word I’d apply to this situation.”

Madison: “To seek financial gain, to stray from your sacred mission.”

Jefferson “And the evidence suggests you’ve engaged in speculation!”

Burr: “An immigrant embezzling our government funds!”

Madison/Jefferson: “I can almost see the headline; your career is done.”

Burr: “I hope you saved some money for your daughter and sons!”

Madison/Jefferson: “Ya best g'wan run back where ya come from!”

Alex: “Ha! you don’t even know what you’re asking me to confess.”

Madison/Jefferson: “Confess!”

(Titania: “Say no to this…”)

Alex: “You have nothing; I don’t have to tell you anything at all

Unless...”

Madison/Jefferson: “Unless…”

(Titania: “Lord, show him how to

Say no to this…”)

Alex: “If I can prove that I never broke the law

Do you promise not to tell another soul what you saw?”

Burr: “No one else was in the room where it happened…”

(Titania: “Please, you need to

Say no to this!”)

Alex: “Is that a yes?”

Burr/Mads/Jeff: “Um, yes…”

Alex handed Burr a piece of paper.

Burr: “Dear Sir, I hope this letter finds you in good health

And in a prosperous enough position to put wealth

In the pockets of people like me, down on their luck

You see, that was my wife who you decided to-“

Titania: “Wait!”

Titania ran across the stage, grabbing Alex by the arm and the letter, pulling him away from the others.

Jefferson: “She courted him?

Escorted him to bed.”

Madison: “And when she had him in her corner,

That’s when Reynold’s extorted him.”

Burr: “For a sorted fee?

He paid him quarterly?”

Jefferson: “He may have continued his affair with that maid,

We’ll tell them in the papers.

The public will be set ablaze!”

The focus shifted from the three and to Titania and Alex.

Alex: “If they can see I kept a record of every check in my checkered history,

Check it again against their list n’ see consistency!

I never spent a cent that wasn’t mine,

They sent the dogs after my scent, that’s not fine!

Titania: “Yes, you have reasons for shame,

But you have not committed treason and sullied your good name!

If they can see you have done nothing to provoke legal action.

Maybe our answers will be to their satisfaction?”

Jefferson: “My God…

Gentlemen, let’s go.”

Burr/Mads/Jeff: “But do we really know

What we know?”

Alex: “How do I know they won’t use this against me

The next time we go toe to toe?”

Titania: “Alexander, rumors only grow.

And we both know what we know…”

Oh my god, I changed history! I really did change history! It definitely wasn’t a dream! I’m not crazy! Next up was Hurricane, that was relatively the same. The only change you noticed was at the end.

Alex: “I’ll write my way out

Overwhelm them with honesty!

This is the eye of the hurricane; this is the only

Way I can protect our legacies!”

EN: “Wait for it, wait for it, wait for it, wait!”

Alex: “Titania’s Pamphlet…”

Oh no, not this again!

EN: “Titania’s Pamphlet!”

Jeff/Mads/Angelica: “Have you read this?”

Burr/Jeff/Mads:” Alexander Hamilton had a torrid affair

And he wrote it down right there!”

Madison: “Highlights!”

Alex/Jefferson: “The charge against me

Is a connection with one,

James Reynolds! (James: “James Reynolds!”)

For purposes of

Improper speculation

My real crime is an (Burr: “My real crime is an)

Amorous connection with his wife (Amorous connection with his wife”)

For a considerable time

With his knowing consent!”

Mads/Burr/Jeff: “Damn!”

Alex/Jeff/Mads: “I had frequent meetings with her

yet some have looked into my own house!”

Burr: “Into his own house!”

Madison: “Into his own house!”

Deep voice: “Damn!”

Alex/Jefferson: “Titania had no part in this, in fact I’ve considered myself as her father.”

Madison/Burr: “No…”

EN: “Booooo!”

Madison/Burr: “Have you read this?”

Jefferson: “Well, he’s never gon’ be President now!”

Madison/Burr: “Never gon’ be President now!

Jefferson: “Well, he’s never gon’ be President now!”

Madison/Burr: “Never gon’ be President now!”

Jefferson: “He’s never gon’ be President now!”

Madison/Burr: “Never gon’ be President now!”

Jefferson: “That’s one less thing to worry about!”

Jeff/Mads/Burr: “That’s one less thing to worry about!”

Angelica/Philip: “I came as soon as I heard.”

Jefferson: “What?!”

Alex: “Angelica…” (Philip: “Titania…”)

EN: “All that way from London?!

Damn!”

Alex: “Angelica, thank God (Philip: “Titania, oh God

Someone who understands (I don’t know if I understand

What I’m struggling here to do (Please, tell me it’s not true…”)

Angelica: “I’m not here for you…”

EN: “Ooooh!”

Angelica: “I know my sister (Titania: “You know me more)

Like I know my own mind! (Than I know my own mind!)

You will never find (I will never find)

Anyone as trusting or as kind! (Anyone as trusting or as kind!)

I love my sister more than (I love you Philip more than)

Anything in this life! (Anything in this life!)

I will choose her happiness (I would choose your happiness)

Over mine every time! (Over mine every time!)

Put what we had aside (Don’t put what we have aside!)

I’m standing at her side (I’ve always been at your side!)

You could never be satisfied! (The public will never be satisfied!)

God, I hope you’re satisfied (God, I hope their satisfied!)

Jeff/Mads/Burr: “Well, he’s never gon’ be President now!

Well, he’s never gon’ be President now!

That’s one less thing to worry about.”

Jeff/Mads/Alex: (EN:

“Hey! (“Well he’s never gon’ )

At least he was (be President now!)

honest with our money!

(Well he’s never gon’)

. (be President now!)

. (Well he’s never gon’)

. (be President now!)

Hey!

At least he was honest

with our money!”

. (That’s one less thing)

. (to worry about.”)

Full company:

“That’s one less thing to worry about!

The Titania’s Pamphlet

Jeff/Mads/Burr: Have you read this?

You ever see somebody ruin their own life?”

Full company (Except Alex and Eliza): “His poor wife…”

You were extremely overwhelmed. A lot was happening at once and it all felt so knew to you. It was the most perplexing thing. It didn’t feel like it was you anymore. It was just another person in history, someone who made your decisions. They felt like two separate things. I guess that’s how history goes; we can never know the full extent of it… unless we lived it ourselves. The next song was Burn and you couldn’t help but remember the actual incident with injury. That poor woman didn’t deserve what she got. There were only some small differences in that song.

Eliza: “They published a letter

Her husband wrote to you.

You told the whole world that you brought this girl into our bed!

In clearing your name, you almost ruined my life!”

You weren’t that surprised by the changes. After all, Titania’s Pamphlet was a lot vaguer than the original. A thought came to mind. What about Blow Us All Away?

Philip: “OooooOoooh!

I do, I do, I do, I do!

Hey!

OooohOoooh!

I do, I do, I do, I do, I do!

Girl, you got me

Helpless!

Look into your eyes and

The sky is them!

I’m Helpless!

Down for the count and I’m

Drowning in ‘em!

Yo, I have never been the type to try and grab the spotlight!

Even at revel, they’ll still tell us on a hot night!

Laughing with my sister as she’s dazzlin’ the room

But you’ll walk in, make my heart go

BOOM!”

Titania: “Try and catch your eye from the side of the ballroom!

Everyone’s dancing and the band’s top volume!

Grind to the rhythm as we wine and dine!”

Philip: “Grab my sister

She whispers

‘You’ll get her this time!’

(All men:

. (“Oooh)

My sister made her way across

the room to you (Oooh)

And I got nervous,

thinking “What’s she gonna do?” (Oooh)

She grabbed you by the arm,

I’m thinkin’ ‘That’s new!’ (Oooh)

Then you look back at me

and suddenly I’m Helpless! (Helpless!)

Oh, look at those eyes (Look into your eyes)

. (And the sky’s in them)

Oh! (I’m)

Yeah, I’m (Helpless!)

Helpless, I know (Down for the count)

. (And I’m drownin’ in ‘em)

. (I’m helpless!)

I’m so into you (Look into your eyes)

I am so into you (And the sky’s in them I’m helpless!)

I know I’m down for the count (Down for the count)

And I’m drownin’ in ‘em.” (And I’m drownin’ in ‘em.”)

Titania: “Where are you taking me now?”

Philip: “Did you think I was done changing your life?”

Titania: “Then by all means, lead the way.”

Philip: “You can really see the sky out here…”

EN: “Just kiss her already!”

Titania: “Thank you…for being with me”

Philip: “I would spend a million years to prove myself, it would still be worth it.”

Titania: “You’re already worth it…”

Titania/all women: “One week later!”

Titania: “I’m writing a letter nightly

Now my life gets better every letter that you write me!

Laughing at his sister, cuz she knows I care for him!”

Female member of the EN: “I’m just saying if you really loved me, you would marry him!”

Titania: “Yes!”

Philip: “Two weeks later (All men:

In the living room stressin’ (“Stressin’)

My father’s stone-faced

While I’m asking ‘what are my chances?’ ( Blessin’)

I’m dying inside, as

We wine

And dine

And I’m tryin’ not to cry

‘cause there’s nothing

that our minds can’t do (Oooh)

My father makes his way across the room

To you

I panic for a second, thinking

“what’s he gonna do?” (Oooh)

But then he shakes your hand and says

“It’s true…” (Oooh)

And you turn back to me, smiling, and I’m

Helpless! (Helpless!)

. (Look into your eyes)

. (And the sky’s in)

. (Them I’m)

Helpless! (Helpless!)

Hoo! (Down for the count)

. (And I’m drownin’ in)

. (‘em I’m)

. (Helpless!)

That girl is mine

That girl is mine! (Look into your eyes)

. (And the sky’s in)

. (Them I’m)

Helpless! Helpless! (Helpless!)

Down for the count (Down for the count)

And I’m drownin’ in em!” (And I’m drownin’ in em!”)

Titania:

“Philip, I don’t have a dollar to my name

An acre of land, a group at my hand, a dollop of fame

All I have’s my honor, a tolerance for pain

A couple of callings coming and my top-notch brain

Insane, your family brings out a different side of me

Eliza confides in me, Alexander tried to take a bite of me

No stress, my love for you is never in doubt

We can get a place in Harlem and figure it out

I’ve been livin’ without a family for quite a while

My father tried, my mother died, I grew up with a fake smile

But I’ll never forget what my father taught me, that was real

And long as I’m alive, Philip, swear to God

You’ll never feel so…”

. (All woman:

. (Philip: (“ Helpless!)

Titania: (“I do I do I do I do!)

“Philip…

. (Helpless!)

. (I do I do I do I do!)

I’ve never felt so—

. (Helpless!)

. (Hey, yeah, yeah!)

. (Down for the count)

. (I’m down for the count) (And I’m drownin’ in ‘em)

. (I’m—)

My life is gon’

be fine cuz (Helpless!)

My sunshine’s in it.

. (I look into your eyes,)

. (and the sky’s in them)

. (I’m)

. (Helpless!)

. (Down for the count)

. (…drownin’ in ‘em.) (And I’m drownin’ in ‘em.)

(Wedding march, but whistled)

En: “In New York, you can be a new man…

In New York, you can be a new man…

In New York, you can be a new man…”

Titania: “Helpless…”

Philip…Oh God… You couldn’t move, your mind was running a mile a minute. It was all hitting you at once. This was a simplified version of what you and Philip went through together. This was supposed to be a happy song, full of hope, full of love. But you knew, you knew what came next. The thing that kept you up at night. The whistling of the wedding march changed, you weren’t ready for this. You never could be.

Philip: “Meet the latest graduate of King’s College

I prob’ly shouldn’t brag, but, dag, I amaze and astonish

The scholars say I got the same virtuosity and brains as my pops

The ladies say my brain’s not where the resemblance stops

I’m only nineteen but my mind is older

Gotta be my own man, like my father, but bolder

I shoulder his legacy with pride, I used to hear him say

That someday I would-“

Full company: “Blow us all away!”

Philip: “Ladies, I’m lookin for a Mr. George Eacker

Made a speech last week, our Fourth of July speaker

He disparaged my father’s legacy in front of a crowd

I can’t have that, I’m making my father proud!”

Female EN member: I saw him just up Broadway a couple of blocks,

He was going to see a play.”

Philip: “Well I’ll go visit his box!”

2nd female EN member: “God you’re a fox!”

Philip: “And y’all look pretty good in ya’ frocks

But I got girl waiting for me back home and she rocks!” ( Both female EN members: “Aww, okay...”)

Full company: “Blow us all away!”

Philip: “George!” (Eacker: “Shh!”)

George!”

Eacker: “Shh! I’m tryin’a watch a show!”

Philip: “Ya shoulda watched your mouth before you talked about my father though!”

Eacker: “I didn’t say anything that wasn’t true

Your father’s a scoundrel, and so, it seems, are you.”

Full company: “Ooooooh!”

Philip: “It’s like that?”

Eacker: “Yeah, I don’t fool around, I’m not your little tool girlfriend.”

Philip: “Well, see you on the dueling ground

That is, unless you wanna step outside and go now?”

Eacker: “I know where to find you, piss off, I’m watchin’ this show now”

Philip: “Pops, if you had only heard the shit he said about you

I doubt you would have let it slide and I was not about to!”

Alex: “Slow down!”

Philip: “I came to ask you for advice, this is my very first duel

They don’t exactly cover this subject in boarding school!”

Alex: “Did your friends attempt to negotiate a peace?”

Philip: “He refused to apologize, we had to let the peace talks cease.”

Alex: “Where is this happening?”

Philip: “Across the river, in Jersey…”

Philip/Alex: “Everything is legal in New Jersey!”

You didn’t notice it until just then, but the woman playing Titania looked like she was listening in from off to the side.

Alex: “Alright, so this is what you’re gonna do (Titania: “Never be satisfied…”)

Stand there like a man until Eacker is in front of you. .

When the time comes, fire your weapon in the air (Helpless….”)

This will put an end to the whole affair!”

(Titania: “Please, say no to this…”)

Philip: “But what if he decides to shoot? Then I’m a goner…”

Alex: “No, he’ll follow suit if he’s truly a man of honor

To take someone’s life, that is something you can’t shake

Philip, your mother can’t take another heartbreak…”

(Titania: “Please don’t leave me, I am helpless…”)

Philip: “Father!”

Alex: “Promise me

You don’t want this young man’s blood on your conscience!

Philip: “Okay, I promise…”

Alex: “Come back home when you’re done.

Take my guns, be smart, make me proud, son “

You were expecting the normal switch between the normal melody and Philip’s rap, but that didn’t happen. Instead it slowed down a bit.

Titania: “Look around, look around

At how lucky we are to be alive right now…

Look around, look around!”

Philip turned to find her there, he didn’t seem happy.

Philip: “You weren’t supposed to know…”

Titania: “I should have known…”

Philip: “Titania, you know me!”

Titania: “You’re fighting for something that happened over a month ago!”

Philip: “No!”

Titania: “I must survive until this war is done

But I deserve a chance

To see the Sun!

Look around, Look around

At how lucky we are to be alive right now!

I don’t need a legacy, (Philip: “He will throw away his shot)

I don’t need money! (History has its eyes on me)

I just need you by my side, (Look into your eyes)

I let you inside my heart! (And the sky’s in them)

Oh! Let me be a part of the narrative (Will be ever be satisfied?)

In the story they will write someday! (I can’t say no to this!”)

Let this moment be the first chapter

Where you decide to stay!”

Philip and Titania separated from each other.

Philip: “My name is Philip

I am a poet (Titania: “Am I not enough?)

And I’m a little nervous, but I can’t show it

I’m sorry, I’m a Hamilton with pride

You talk about my father; I cannot let it slide! .

Mister Eacker, how was the rest of your show?

Eacker: “I’d rather skip the pleasantries, let’s go

Grab your pistol! (Could this be enough?)

Philip: “Confer with your men!”

Eacker: “The duel will commence after we count to ten.” .

Full company: “Count to ten!”

Philip: “Look ‘em in the eye, aim no higher (This must be enough!)

Summon all the courage you require

Then slowly and clearly aim your gun towards the sky… .

Full Company: “1, 2, 3, 4, 5-“

Titania ran towards Philip

Full company: “6, 7-“ (Wait!”)

(Gunshots)

Fuck…

#hamilton #hamilton fanfic #hamilton the musical #hamilton an american musical #hamilton au #time travel au #Philip Hamilton #philip x reader

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