#half the time you try to italicize ONE word it just fucking does the whole paragraph no matter WHAT

[damienthepious]

absolutely fucking disgusting, put it back. @staff a) this is quite literally the ugliest update yet and b) as i have said EVERY TIME i got prompted to explain why i was switching back to the OLD post editor, THE NEW POST EDITOR IS FUCKING GARBAGE FOR POSTING ANY LARGE AMOUNT OF TEXT REQUIRING FORMATTING, LIKE... OH.... SAY.... FANFIC AND OTHER WRITING. BRING IT THE FUCK BACK I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD.

[ahundredtimesover]

Like a Thief in the Night (FNTO 3)

What were you both trying to prove? That two people can remain just friends?

Pairing: Jungkook x (f.) Reader

Genre/Tags: strangers to friends to lovers, popstar/idol!jk, fluff, angst, future smut; this is a dialogue-heavy series so read if you’re into that! 

Warnings: foul language, these characters talk alot bc I talk alot, eventual smut

Word count: 4,800

Series summary: You meet pop star/idol Jeon Jungkook at the café, you get close, and as Hyejin says, you’re like friends with benefits without the sex. But you’re bad at feelings and so is he.

series masterlist

A/N: JK gets some sense knocked into him thanks to Seokjin and Jimin bc I am a jinminkook stan. Italicized parts refer to past events. Listen to Home by 1D to prep you for part 4! 

#

Jungkook covers his face with his hands, elbows leaning on the table, right leg shaking constantly. He’s been listening to the track over and over again; the hook sounded good yesterday but why does it seem lacking today? 

“Fuck, I’m not gonna get this done in time,” he curses to himself. It has been a few days since he arrived in L.A. and had met with the producer he reached out to just as he planned. 

He’s been staying holed up in his hotel room though, his daily gym visits being the only other thing, aside from the concerts, that he looks forward to, given the old couple and father-and-son duos he’s been seeing there everyday. The guys and the rest of the team won’t arrive until a few days later, and he hasn’t had any motivation to go around the city.

He plays the track one more time. Maybe this time he’ll figure out what’s missing; is it in the melody? The lyrics? But unsurprisingly, he doesn’t. It sounds just like it did a minute ago, yesterday, 2 days ago. 

You won’t get any more productive being cooped up in here, he’d told you that Saturday when he dragged you out of your apartment for a little excursion. 

It’s been over a week since then. He’d told you the words you always tell him when he’s groaning in frustration to you over the phone because of a certain pitch he can’t get right, or over words that don’t seem to capture what he wants to say. 

He closes his eyes, head thrown over the desk chair and he lets out another grunt. Artists need to go out for inspiration and you don’t seem like you’re getting it here. 

He closes his laptop, wears a cap over his head, and readies himself to go out. “Damn it, Y/N, you win. You always do,” he says to himself, and walks out the door. 

#

It’s quite windy for a summer day in August in L.A., but the sun is still high up enough, slightly blinding Jungkook. The skies are clear, and he thinks it’s a good enough day as any to finally take a trip to the Griffith Observatory. 

He didn’t do much, just stared out at the city below him and enjoyed the fresh air he’d finally allowed himself to breathe. He could see the clouds so clearly from here, all soft and puffy. 

I’d eat those, you’d said not long ago when you were having brunch on your terrace, the warm summer air of Seoul hitting your faces. Of course, you’d eat anything, he’d answered back, earning a smack from you. That makes both of us, you’d said. 

He lets out a low groan. You again. “It’s just clouds, for fuck’s sake,” he says to himself. Somehow this seemed to signal to him that it was time to go.

A hotdog sandwich and soda later, Jungkook finds himself in Hancock Park, the sun slowly dipping down the horizon, making it a good time to just lay on the sprawling greens by the perfectly lined palm trees. 

With hands behind his head, he thinks that it's been a good day. Why you’d said that L.A. isn’t your cup of tea, he never found out. The city seems so dynamic, interesting; it has a little something for everyone, especially the food. He should ask you some time. 

Jungkook pauses his thoughts. Ask you? Why should he? He basically shunned you away, ghosted you for a week and convinced the company to allow him to leave early so he could meet with the producer he could very easily meet in between shows, just so he could get away from you as quickly as possible. 

The confused, pleading, and then defeated look on your face bore into his mind, unwillingly etched there along with the happier images of you - eating your favorite red bean ice cream, laughing so hard that no sound comes out of your mouth, your scrunched up face when drinking sodas, furrowed eyebrows when working, and finally, your sleeping figure bunched up underneath a thick fleece blanket, soft snores escaping you. 

That last one will always be his favorite, had been since that first time you’d asked him to sleep next to you. 

He woke up earlier than you that Sunday, the day after your little trip, body already used to their early morning wake up calls. You were both under the covers, with you taking up most of the blanket, as always. He softly laughed at this when he realized that half of his body was exposed, but this gave him a reason to scoot closer to you and feel your warmth, so he wasn’t complaining. 

You looked so peaceful, so soft, even with slightly furrowed brows as you were engulfed in your dream. A loose strand of hair fell on your face, which he’d tucked gently behind your ear. A smile befell him, thinking of the way his heart was currently beating slow and fast at the same time. How was that even possible? 

But he didn’t mind it, didn’t even think to find an answer. He’d already given up on finding reasons for what you’d been doing to him, what you’d been making him feel. 

He decided right then and there that he will no longer run from what he’s feeling for you, that he will no longer play this up as something that just happened. 

He’s a firm believer of destiny anyway, and yesterday, this moment right now, he feels like he’d dreamt it all before. He’s meant to be here with you, just as he was meant to be at your aunt’s cafe that September day last year to run into you, or that night out last New Year's when Chaewon had lost her car key and was too preoccupied to take care of you so he did, leading to that fateful morning of you in your underwear almost stabbing him - you both did agree that experience solidified your friendship, after all. 

Every other moment after that with you felt real, and more than anything, it felt right. He fell asleep again not long after, your steady breathing lulling him to sleep. His last thought was of the next time he’d wake up next to you like this again, and his heart softens at the thought.

He shakes his head, anger and frustration building up again, not at you but at himself. He was deliberate in his avoidance of you that whole week before he left.

He’d missed you when you were busy and he somehow felt empty. He crashed your Saturday and took you on a little trip - he remembers how fast his heart would beat whenever you’d lean on him, butterflies in his stomach suddenly having grown in size.

After you’d thanked him for being such a great friend - he winces at the word - he felt his heart shatter slowly, and then all at once. 

It wasn’t out of the ordinary because you thank him constantly. He thinks it’s because you feel he could be doing something else other than spend time with you because time for him is a luxury; wealthy as he is, it’s something he can not afford. He never told you though that spending time with you is one of the things he looks forward to, sort of an escape but also a taste of normalcy he’s barely afforded. 

But after a while, your expression of gratitude became more specific - it wasn’t just time you were thanking him for, it was his attention, his care, his thoughtfulness… his friendship. 

Fate was playing a game with him, he thinks, that at the moment he’d decided what he wanted from you and what he could give you - his time, his world, his love at some point - you’d decided to define him, as your friend. How cruel, he whispers to himself. 

He tries to think as you do. You’d probably call him silly for his musings because you never believed in fate or destiny, always thought that things happen as they do, because they do - no grand plan, no specific reason, just a reason, and that was enough for you. 

He goes home from his sightseeing and allows himself to think about you again that night, and the night after. He thinks about your plump lips, soft against his chapped ones. He thinks about how it felt with you close to him, your arms wrapped around his; fingertips just slightly brushing. He’s glad you’d never lay your head on his chest when you sleep, at least he doesn’t know what that feels like - what you don’t know can’t hurt you, after all. 

He let the sound of your laughter and your out of tune singing sing him to sleep, over and over playing in his head. He tortures himself like this. It’s all he could do to get back at himself on your behalf, he thinks. You hurt him without knowing, and he hurt you right back. 

#

“Mind sharing what’s interesting about that text message, Jungkook?” Yoongi calls out from across the table. 

The guys are finally in the U.S., the morning of rehearsal having just wrapped up and everyone is backstage for a lunch break. 

Hoseok shoots Yoongi a look, as if to tell him to talk about it only when Jungkook brings it up first. The older man only shrugs. 

Jungkook picks this up, though; he picks up everything. He knows his hyungs as much as they know him. The questions about the meeting with the producer, how the mixtape is going, any sights he’d seen, new food he’d tried. They’re trying, he figures. 

He could sense the glances everyone is giving each other but him, the topic-change when the conversation is heading to the topic of you, the clearing of throats, the awkward silences. 

“Y/N texted,” Jungkook says after one of those awkward silences. He stares at the screen, as he’s been doing since last night when, just as he was about to finally doze off at 3AM, his phone lights up. You probably thought he was already asleep, not knowing the agony he was putting himself through.

Everyone falls silent but looks at him softly. Seokjin turns to Yoongi, as if telling him to say something and finish what he started, but Namjoin gets to it first.

“You can talk about it, or not. Depends on what you think will help you be ready for the next 2 nights of shows,” the leader says. “Just let us know.”

Jungkook sighs. “I hate myself enough just thinking about her. I don’t know what I’d be if I start talking,” he says. 

“We’ve got time after tomorrow,” he resigns. Everyone nods in agreement. “I need to be at my best for these two nights,” Jungkook says, and proceeds to keep his phone in his pocket and heads out.

#

Y/N: There’s no proper way to say this but I’m so sorry, Jungkook. I thought I had it all figured out. I wanted too many things from you but couldn’t commit to anything. I was selfish and unfair. I hate myself for hurting you the way I did and you didn’t deserve any of that. I’m so sorry.

Jungkook reads the text over and over again, as if doing so will clarify things for him. Wanted too many things? Couldn’t commit to anything? What did you mean? He called you selfish and unfair that day when you showed up at his place, and he hates himself for it, he hopes more than you hate yourself for hurting him. 

“I’m sorry, Jungkook, I told her about you leaving early,” Jimin starts. “I probably should’ve picked up that something was wrong when you seemed off that whole day after you got back from her place and should’ve kept my mouth shut.” 

“Nothing to be sorry about, hyung,” he responds. “If I hadn’t been an idiot and ghosted her for a week, we could’ve settled it properly instead of dragging you guys into this,” Jungkook says, looking up from his phone. 

He figures you’d eventually reach out to one of the guys about him. Seokjin had likewise reached out to you the other day, asking what was going on, that much he’s said.

“She also didn’t say much when I asked,” Seokjin says from across the table, beer bottle in hand. 

The guys are in a new city and have the next day just for rehearsals. He and Jimin had knocked on Jungkook’s hotel room, in hopes that the younger would be willing to talk. 

“But she did sound pretty out of it,” the elder continues. “What happened, Kook? Everything seemed to be going so well with you two. Unless it’s what we think it is.”

“What do you mean?” Jungkook shoots both of them a confused look.

Jimin sighs. “Who fell first?” He questions. Jungkook’s eyes go wide, but then again, that’s what always happens right? He’s been in denial long enough that you and he were going to go down that route, but his hyungs weren’t. 

Jungkook shuts his eyes before taking a deep breath. 

“I did, at that moment,” he says, referring to that Sunday morning. “I mean, I think I’d felt something before then, but it felt faint, like something fleeting, something abstract, like a thought.” Jungkook drifts a bit, eyes glowing to the memory of you under the blankets.

“But I woke up that morning next to her and I don’t know, for the first time it felt different from all the other mornings. It felt tangible, like something I could hold onto and touch and feel and savor, not just an abstract idea of a person or a feeling,” he looks at his hyungs, eyes shining before they turn downcast. “But she thanked me for being a great friend.”

“Ouch,” Seokjin quips. “No wonder you’ve been moping.”

“I’ve been doing worse,” Jungkook responds. “I’ve been torturing myself, playing that morning, and that day at my house before I left, over and over again.”

“Why are you punishing yourself?” Jimin asks. 

“Because I lashed out on her. I called her selfish and unfair. I told her I wanted to get away from her, that she’s the problem.” 

At this, the two older men look at him, shock painted on their faces at the reveal. This doesn’t sound like their sweet little Kookie, expressing such anger that way.

“I didn’t talk to her for days and she stood there looking worried and sad and I lashed out. I essentially blamed her for the feelings I couldn’t control. She looked at me like I was the one breaking her heart.” 

“Maybe you were, too. Breaking her heart, I mean.” Seokjin quips. At this, Jungkook sighs. “Maybe not in the way you think but… did you even hear her out?”

“No…” Jungkook responds. He didn’t give you a chance. You stood there, demanding an explanation, and he blew you off. 

“Well, I doubt she’d say much. She didn’t know how you were feeling before then, did you really expect anything more? What happened to talking it out? You two always did that,” Jimin asks. 

“Yeah but not about this, not about feelings.”

“What kind of people flirt, kiss, sleep next to each other, and not talk about feelings?” Jimin continues.

“Idiots, cowards, naive people…” Seokjin answers, looking upset. The other two men could’ve easily missed the bitter tone of his voice.

“Yoongi hyung is that you?” Jungkook asks, a laugh almost escaping his lips.

“He’s rubbing off on me but the point is, that’s what you both are. What were you both trying to prove? That two people can remain just friends? She hadn’t let anyone in since her breakup, and you…” Seokjin gesticulates, trying to find the right words for Jungkook. “You are you, Jungkook. You don’t willingly make time just for anyone because you, we, don’t have enough of it. But you always, always make time for her. Both of you kept doing what you were doing, whatever it was, and did you really think staying in the gray area was sustainable? Look what happened!” Seokjin is out of breath, clearly this means a lot to him too. 

“I thought you’d learned enough from me,” he emphasizes the last word, pointing to himself. 

Jungkook and Jimin both soften at the elder, almost forgetting that he knows a thing or two about staying in the gray area, too afraid of crossing invisible lines, too naive to think that good things stay. 

“I teased along with everyone else because you two were enjoying yourselves, seemingly mature enough to roll with the punches and laugh along without it being awkward, and I’m not gonna lie, you guys were pretty cute too, but so many times I wanted to smack your head to knock some sense into you,” he continues. 

“You can never be too complacent about these things, Jungkook. You can never just resign into thinking that the person who makes you feel this happy, this right, can be kept at a distance and just stay there.” 

Jungkook feels it’s cathartic to Seokjin as much as it is for him. He’s right. Both of you should’ve talked about it at some point, perhaps after that first and second kiss, perhaps when it became routine to do that whenever he slept over, perhaps when it started to feel so right having your lips onto his. You were both being naive, thinking that things would remain as good as it was as time went on. 

He should’ve said something earlier, or perhaps talked to you right after that day instead of avoiding you. But more importantly, he shouldn’t have lashed out on you the way he did. His anger was misplaced. Perhaps he was angry at himself for letting it get as far as it did, for letting it affect him as much as it did. 

He let you sneak in his heart just like that, like a thief in the night you crawled in and took from him, and he let you, he always let you. And he never complained because he wanted it too. He wanted you, in whatever way he could have you, but he let his own cowardice get the best of him that day at his house. He lashed out because he was scared, more than anything, that you didn’t feel the same way. 

“I’m sorry, I just…” Seokjin says after a long silence has engulfed the three men, everyone finding a spot in the room to focus on, letting the words sink in. 

“We could all tell how happy she makes you and how soft you are for her. I mean, you let her give you shit for thinking that Ironman is the best Avenger and you never complain when she wears your clothes,” he continues, a smile forming on his lips. 

Seokjin, like the rest of the guys, feel very protective of the youngest. They feel they’ve done their part in raising him and want nothing more than for him to be happy, seeing the amount of pressure he puts on himself. 

“You don’t find that person just anywhere, Jungkook, especially not with the kind of life we live. I would’ve hoped you understood that and made you sure you wouldn’t lose her,” he continues.

“Yah, don’t get ahead of yourself, hyung. He hasn’t lost her yet,” Jimin says, looking at Jungkook to confirm. 

Jungkook buries his face on his hands. “I don’t know, I hope not. But I said hurtful things to her and I can’t take them back. And I’m thousands of miles away and I can’t just fix things from here.”

“Do you even know what you want now? After everything that’s happened?” Seokjin asks.

“I don’t know, depends on what she wants too, I guess,” Jungkook responds.

“Well, you didn’t even give her a chance to say anything so how would you know,” Jimin states the obvious. 

Jungkook lets out a low growl. Of course he didn’t give you a chance to say anything because he left you hanging, all messages unopened, all calls unanswered. And then he left. He felt so brave walking on this undefined territory with you but chickened out the moment things got serious. 

“Look, just… give both of yourselves time. You can’t do much from here anyway, and you’re both too out of it right now to know what to do next,” Seokjin advises. He knows better than anyone that giving yourself time is most important.

“But what if she decides she doesn’t want any of this anymore? That she doesn’t wanna talk to me or have anything to do with me when I get back?”

“Yah! Give yourselves more credit. I know it’s hard but you need to have faith in your friendship, at least,” Jimin reprimands the younger boy. “We’ve still got over a month into this leg of the tour and that’s enough time to figure yourself out.”

Jungkook comforts himself with this thought. But can he manage spending all this time away from you, knowing he left things on a bad note? He can’t fault himself enough for how he left things, and now he has to put faith in your shared friendship that things were going to be okay. 

If you’re meant to be together, it’ll happen; that should be enough, right? He’ll go home soon, and he’ll see you at some point, that’s if you still want to see him. He just has less than 2 months to figure out what he wants, and moreso, what he could give. 

#

It’s been 6 weeks since that day at Jungkook’s house when he implied he had feelings for you. 

You know what else is nice? Calling me to come over on Friday nights when you didn't feel like being out, asking me to stay the night and having me sleep next to you, kissing me and saying you liked waking up next to me then telling me that ‘this feels nice and comfortable and fun’ and that I really am a great friend, he told you then. You were an idiot, that much you’ve figured out.

Other than busying you with a trip to the carnival, baseball nights, arcade Saturdays, and gallons of Baskin Robbins, your friends have done their part in helping you process your feelings and figure out exactly what you feel for the doe-eyed boy. 

They helped you backtrack, as if your story was some sort of mystery that needed clues that would eventually point to what you were looking for - the moment it all changed, for you and maybe for him, too. 

But you realized it wasn’t exactly a moment, it was a series of them - the first time he took you home when you were drunk, that night he came over when you were crying over your ex, when he sang to you over the phone because the thunder was scaring you, when you cried together after rewatching Avengers: Endgame for the nth time… when you first kissed and he tasted of beer and his strawberry chapstick, when you kissed the second time and he didn’t pull away. 

You let yourself drown in those little kisses more than you care to admit. It was all you could give him and you felt it was all he could give in return. You both never went past that act; on your end it was because you knew that anything beyond that would lead to wanting more, something you knew he couldn’t give, something you told yourself not to expect. 

He’d come over whenever he could when you asked, he’d stay over when it was okay to do so. You ask once and nothing more, nothing more than a peck on the lips, nothing more than a Friday evening or a Sunday morning, nothing more than a quick hug, nothing more than a “thank you.”

You knew all this, hence, why you conditioned yourself to think that what you both were was all that you could ever be. He told you once that relationships tend to get messy and he already has enough crazy to deal with. That stuck with you, and perhaps that’s when your mind made the decision to not look at him as anything more. 

But you still kept pushing it, subconsciously you think, knowing there was still an invisible line you shouldn’t cross. You kept doing what you wanted, just waiting for him to say no, but he never did. He never does. He’s always quick to make it up to you when he turns you down. 

This thought suddenly makes you angry. Why didn’t he just say no? That would’ve been better, you think. He could’ve just rejected you instead of coaxing you into this unfamiliar and undefined territory. Now you’re both stuck, unsure of what to do next. You carved this out though, you remind yourself. 

Anything “more” with him was definitely not an option, so you created your own path towards something that isn’t “more,” just something short of it. 

You look over the last communication you had with him. You sent him a message, a few days after he left when you’d had some sense knocked into you, apologizing. That’s all you could’ve given him then, an apology. Not an acceptable explanation, not a promise, not a solution or a way out; just an apology, in hopes that it would be enough.

You sent him a “Happy birthday, I hope you enjoy today!” greeting coupled with a photo of a cupcake with a candle you’d bought just for him on that first week of September. He replied but a “Thank you.” Nothing more.

Seokjin and Jimin reached out to you too, in the days following Jungkook’s departure. They’re letting him deal with it in whatever way works for him, they said. The priority is making sure he’s at his best for the shows, for the fans. You understood this, of course. The stage is where he’s at his happiest. You’re glad he’ll always have that. 

The guys will be resting at least a week after they get back before preparing for the final 3 days of the tour in Seoul. You don’t have long before then. 

The day after Jungkook left, you had that epiphany moment with Hyejin where she told you that perhaps you’d just done whatever you wanted because you wanted everything and nothing at the same time but couldn’t commit to either. You thought you had everything figured out without realizing that in fact, you didn’t. You had 2 months to figure your shit out, and you did.

It was that one afternoon when you absentmindedly picked up banana milk at the supermarket when you intended to just get chocolate milk at the dairy section. It baffled you when you opened your eco bag to see the yellow box, as if the universe was playing a trick on you. You stared at it like it had grown eyes or something, until you realized the other items in your refrigerator, your pantry, your counter that was all for him. 

His favorite cereals on the top shelf, his Nutella and banana beside your peanut butter, his favorite biscuits in the cabinet, the mint chocolate chip ice cream in the freezer. Even his favorite toothpaste is in your bathroom. 

And you smiled. You smiled at how silly you seemed. It’s not just that you couldn’t get the thought of him off you, it’s that you didn’t want to. You’d willingly let him be a part of your life, of your everyday. 

You miss him so much, more than you thought you ever could. All you want to do is talk to him even if you’re hurt and angry and upset. You just want him, even if things are confusing. You just want him even if you don’t know what he’s feeling after everything. 

You want it to work, no matter what it takes. You won’t walk away from this if it doesn’t work out the way you normally do. You’ll stay and try until it does, hoping to all that is good that he feels the same way.

#

As the end of September rolls in, the feelings of fear, anxiety, and excitement start to engulf you. They’ll be back soon, and Jimin had said he’ll message once they arrive. You’d given each other time; the two months felt like two years. That should be enough. 

You’re lounging at your terrace, Sunday night in full swing for those with interesting and put-together lives unlike you. And then your phone beeps, signaling a message.

JM: Hi, Y/N. We’re home!

##

part 2 drabble <<>> part 4

series masterlist

[starksvixen]

Best Shot - Part 4

Warnings: lotta angst, poor medical description, tooth rotting fluff

Word Count: 1519

A/N - There is some descriptive writing about being awake during surgery. This scene will take place in italics. If scenes like this make you squeamish, skip past the italicized part. 

Prologue - Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 5 (finale)

-~- 

He could hear your screams from the waiting room, making more tears fall with each tortured yelp. Why couldn’t they just sedate you? Give you some kind of pain management? 

As if some other worldly power heard him, your echoes of pain no longer bounced towards him. Jay’s cries turned to sobs, his hands grasped so tight in front of his face his knuckles were white. Ruzek gently clapped his shoulder, along with the rest of the squad that surrounded the lone Halstead.

“She’s a fighter, Jay. I’m sure she’s okay,” he mumbles, trying to make the best of a bad situation. 

Jay wishes with everything he has that Adam was right. That Rhodes had just put you under to spare you the pain. But there was a small voice, like a demon on his shoulder, saying that you had left him. That you were gone. 

So as soon as Will entered the waiting area, covered in your blood, he held his breath. Everyone that was there for you did. When Will sat beside his brother, tears began to form in preparation for the worst.  

“The, uh,” Will sighs. “The bullet was through and through. Only nicked a few arteries and Dr. Rhodes is stitching up the arteries right now. She might scream some more because she refused sedation.”

“Wait, without sedation? Why didn’t she want sedation?” Jay asks quickly.

“That’s something you’ll have to ask her once we move her up into recovery.” 

“When can I see her?” Jay says while wiping what was left of his tears. 

“Well, Natalie just has a few more tests to run after the surgery and then I’ll take you to her.” Will says while standing up. “She got really lucky, more then you know right now.”

Once he walks away, the entire district was in a kerfuffle over Will’s vagueness about your refusal of sedation. 

“Who does he think he is? Sherlock Holmes? We deserve to know.” Ruzek says to the group. 

“Yeah, well it’s obvious she didn’t want us to know something.” Jay snaps.

The whole room fell silent. 

-(Y/N)’s POV-

The bounce from the stretcher sent pain racing through our abdomen, waking you up from your blood loss induced sleep. Once your eyes opened, you saw tears racing down Jay’s face as he sat on the ambo. You tried to sit up, tried to get to him and tell him you were okay. But the pain and a hand on your chest was a gruesome reminder. 

“Let’s get 100 milligrams of Fentanyl in her stat and a bedside ultrasound,” Connor says as he wheels you into the trauma room. 

“On my count. 1, 2, 3,” 

Shaky hands lift your back board and lay you on the bed. All you can think to do is scream as your wound is hit multiple times in the tussle. Your vest is removed and your shirt is cut off swiftly with scissors. Through your blurry vision, you see Will and another doctor enter, gloves at the ready. The women takes the ultrasound wand from Connor as Will tries to place in an iv in your arm.

“Bullet is through and through,” Connor says.

“No free fluid in the belly,” the other doctor says before moving the wand lower. “Wait, hold the fentanyl.”

“Natalie, she needs it.” Will says as you feel a needle pierce your skin, adding onto the pile of pain your body was vibrating from.

“Ms. (Y/L/N), did you know you were pregnant?”

“No, no fucking way,” you mumble as you shake harder, only increasing your pain. 

“Alright, (Y/N),” you hear Connor say. Turning your head, you can see the worry in his eyes.

“You are pregnant. Now I can give you a lower dose of fentanyl and I can get you under mild anesthesia. But I need to repair your wound or you and the baby will die.” 

Everything begins to blur around you, but one thing stands out through the fog. You were going to protect your baby no matter what. 

“Give me the lowest dose you can give me,” you whimper. “No sedation.”

“(Y/N)-”

“You heard me Connor!” you say as the pain spreads up, making it feel like you can’t breathe.

“Alright, call my team and take her to the Hybrid OR. Natalie, scrub in, I need you to keep an eye on that fetus.” 

Connor and Natalie disappear out of the room as Will sticks you with yet another needle. Quickly, he wheels you in your bed into the OR. With the help of some nurses, he gets you on the operating table. 

“Do you want me to tell Jay?” he asks.

“No,” you say while swallowing back whatever was left in your mouth. Will simply nods and leaves the room as Natalie and Connor enter.

“Alright, (Y/N), this is going to hurt but I need you to stay as still as possible. If you flinch and I knick another artery it’s game over for you two.” he says to, preparing what he needed to begin. 

All you could do was nod, the pain and exhaustion beginning to overtake your already weak and fragile body. 

That’s when you felt the first cut.

Searing pain on top of what already was unbearable spreads across your skin like fire ants on the hunt. You scream out, the only option you have as you force your body to stay as still as possible. 

“(Y/N), the baby’s heart rate is increasing because of the pain. It’s safer for both of you to go under light sedation. I promise it won’t hurt it.” Natalie says to you, her worried eyes peering through into your soul.

You can only nod with a sob as Natalie gets to work. At the same time yet another needle pierces your skin, you feel cold metal digging into your chest. You’re out of energy to scream, all you can do is cry, ensuring your chest doesn’t bounce with each passing sob. 

As you watch the needle disappear into your chest cavity, you prepare yourself to feel the pain once more. Thanks to the sedation, you finally didn’t feel a thing, but your body stayed tensed up as always. 

After about a half an hour, you were closed up and waiting to be transferred to the recovery room. Connor sits beside you in the tiny ER room, his cap and mask in hand as he looks at you. 

“Is it mine?” 

Your breath hitches in your throat. What if it was? Back there, you automatically thought that the baby belonged to Jay, failing to remember about your adventures with Connor. 

“I don’t know,” you croak. “If it is?”

“That’s up to you.”

You sigh to the amount your chest lets you. Things were finally right with Jay, you were in love and happy. Of course this happens now, something to take your happiness away. 

“Dr. Rhodes? Can I have a moment with (Y/N)?” you hear Natalie say from the entrance to the cramped room. 

“Yeah,” Connor says before standing up. “Just keep me updated.” 

Natalie only nods as he leaves, you chuckling at her curtness towards him. She looks towards you and smiles, pulling the ultrasound machine over once more. 

“Really? Him?” she says teasingly. You keep your chuckles soft to avoid more pain, but through your exhaustion you smile. 

“What can I say? He was available.” 

Looking down at her hand, you spot a ring on her finger, the one Jay had shown you many times on the anniversary of his Mom’s death. The one Will had taken for his special person.

“You’re Will’s fiancée?” you ask as you watch her hit a few buttons on the machine beside you two.

“Yeah, you must be Jay’s best friend then.” she replies before gently lifting up your gown. 

“Not so much anymore,” you say with a bit of glum. 

“I’m sure the baby won’t get in the way,” she reassures. 

“That’s no-”

You’re interrupted by the sound of your baby’s heartbeat. Uncontrollable tears spring to your eyes once she turns the screen for you to see your tiny blip. Gently, you lay a hand over your mouth to hide your smile, not believing that there was another human inside you that somehow, you would do anything for already. 

“The baby looks completely healthy, despite everything. They look to be about 7 weeks along.” Natalie says to you with a smile.

You run a hand through your hair, quickly doing the math in your head. The last time you and Connor slept together was well over 7 weeks at that point. You and Jay...well. 

“It’s not Connor’s.” you reply with a soft sigh in relief. 

With a smirk, Natalie sends a few photos to be printed before cleaning you up and taking you up to recovery. Once she gets you set up, ensuring everything was in working order, she walks towards the doorway. Before she leaves, she turns back towards you. 

“Do you want me to bring Jay up?” she asks. 

You nod softly as you gently lay a shaking hand on your abdomen. It was time for your blip to me it’s daddy. 

Tag List: (leave a comment to be added)

shipshipshipau panaitbeatrice annaallicce ikleesfiction nocturnalherb16 weepingfestivalmentality

[sweetyyhippyy]

Part of You. Spencer Reid x OC! Character. Chapter 4.

Chapter 4: 864 days

(Not my gif.)

Summary: Bridgett brings a date to a party at Rossi’s house. Spencer gets extremely jealous and angry. While working a case with Bridgett, he says some words he doesn’t mean. He goes to Bridgett’s apartment to apologize, and those 3 little words are finally said. 

Pairing: Season 5 Spencer Reid x OC! Plus size character, Bridgett Mendez

TW: Alcohol mentions, Spencer being mean, language, I think that’s all!

Word Count: 4k

A.N.: This is season 5 Spencer, like tail end of season 5. Please reblog! Italicized words are inner thoughts. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“So Rossi needs a headcount for how many people are coming over tonight. He said he hasn’t heard back from only you, Bridge.”

JJ says, joining Bridgett and Garcia gossiping at Bridgett’s desk.

“Oh yeah sorry, I was kinda waiting to hear from… this guy I’m bringing along tonight.”

Both of the girls eyes get wide, staring at Bridgett.

“You’re bringing someone? Who is he?! I need to know everything, now.” Penelope squeals, leaning back in her chair.

Bridgett laughs, knowing that this was going to be the hot topic of the day.

“It’s this guy I’ve been dating for like 2 weeks. His name is Angel.”

“Okay, okay, Angel. Angel and Bridgett… Bridgett and Angel. Doesn’t necessarily roll off the tongue but keep going.” Penelope says.

“I met him at the coffee shop by my apartment. It was that one morning Hotch needed us to come in at like 6am so I grabbed some coffee and they were getting a delivery while I was waiting and the delivery guy noticed me, I noticed him after the third time he passed me by. So I smiled at him and he stopped to talk to me on my way out. We've gone on a few dates and he’s really nice.”

“Just nice? Are you not completely into him?” JJ questions.

“I don’t know, he’s nice, and he is cute. But I don’t know it’s weird, I know you’re both going to say I’m selling myself short but he’s out of my league. Our connection is good when we’re together but I can’t help but think that maybe he’s just putting a front on. It’s all probably just in my head… right?”

“If it’s only been a few dates this is all still new. The both of you are trying to figure each other out. I wouldn’t discredit him just yet, sweetheart.” Penelope interjects, rubbing her shoulder in comfort.

JJ’s phone rings from her pocket, her groaning and leaving out the door to the elevator.

“Do you think it’s a good idea to bring another guy tonight? I’m not judging, I just don’t think that there’s *someone you didn’t think about.”

Bridgett knew who she was talking about as soon as she said it, and she was right, Bridgett didn’t think about Spencer.

“You don’t know for sure if Spence likes me, Penelope.”

“Um, Earth to madam profiler! Bridgy, the boy is beyond in love with you. You don’t see what everyone else in this office sees when you talk to him, or when someone talks about you.”

Bridgett sighs, rubbing her temple with her fingers lightly.

“What am I supposed to do? I’m genuinely asking I’m not trying to be a bitch but, am I supposed to wait, god knows how long, for him to make the first move? I don’t make the first move. Ever. That’s not me and it makes me want to physically puke even thinking about it. What if he never does it? Then what?”

“I know, beautiful, and I didn’t mean to make you question dating other people, but I just want you to think about it.”

***

Bridgett felt off the rest of the day after her talk with Garcia. She almost wanted to just call Angel and tell him that there had been a change of plans and she wasn’t going to the party anymore. But he had told her on the phone a few nights ago he had gotten a special outfit for the night.

Bridgett sits on the couch, her hair flowing down her back, makeup fresh on her face, and a dark maroon dress clinging to her body, the dress ending mid thigh. While she was staring at her phone deciding on whether or not she was going to call Angel and cancel, it starts ringing, his name appearing on screen.

“Hello?”

“Hey you, I’m on my way to come get you. I’ll be there in about 5 minutes.”

Her stomach turns, but in a good way.

“Okay. I’ll be waiting. See you in a bit.”

She slips her heels on, leaving them for the last minute knowing they were going to kill her feet by the end of the night. She paced back and forth, double and triple checking she had everything in her clutch. there’s a knock at the door in a rhythmic pattern, one that Angel frequented when he came over to pick her up. Bridgett walks to answer the door, opening it with a smile. He smiles back, handing her a single red rose.

“For you.” He smiles, kissing her cheek. Bridgett’s cheeks get warm, a nervous laugh coming from her mouth.

“Thank you. You look very handsome.”

He looked so incredibly handsome in the dark brown button up tucked into black dress pants he was wearing, everything head to toe was on point and it made her swoon a little bit.

“Are you ready to go? I’m definitely going to need directions to your coworker’s house.”

***

“This is going to sound very shallow, but how much money do FBI agents make? This house is huge.” Angel whispers to Bridgett, walking up to Rossi’s house.

“He used to work for the FBI back in the day, he retired and wrote a couple of books and he started doing book tours and signing, lectures. So he always hosts parties because this is his house. He’s a great guy, you’ll like him.”

Bridgett was beyond nervous for everyone to meet this new guy. Especially since he was so new in her life. And since the conversation she had with Penelope, she was nervous if she was right how Spencer would react.

She rings the doorbell to the large house, waiting for someone to answer the door. Derek opens the door, a surprising look on his face.

“Hey Bridge. Come on in.” Derek studies Angel up and down.

“Derek, this is Angel. Angel this is Derek. He and I work together at the Buerau. He’s our resident badass and big brother.”

The front of the house fills with the rest of the team members; Emily, JJ, Penelope, Hotch, Rossi, but no Spencer. She introduces everyone to Angel , Rossi handing both of them a drink after the introductions are done.

***

The mood was light while everyone was inside sitting around a large table, everyone talking and laughing.

“I gotta use the restroom. I’ll be back, if I’m not back in 10 send a search party.” Angel jokes, making Bridgett laugh.

“Hey pretty boy made it!” Derek calls out, everyone’s attention turning to Spencer. He smiles and waves awkwardly, coming to join everyone else. He had a nice plum colored button up on with a skinny solid black tie, and of course his converse on. He looked really handsome. Bridgett waves at him from her seat, Spencer walking over and sitting on the opposite side of her.

“You’re late. What took you so long?” Bridgett teases.

“The subway. It randomly broke down right before I was supposed to get off for 15 minutes.”

“Well hey, don’t worry about taking the subway home, I’ll just take you. I’m sticking to one glass tonight, I’m not going to be drunk.”

Spencer smiles at her, nodding his head as he takes a drink from his glass, “Yeah that would be great thanks Bridge.”

Bridgett feels the chair on her other side slide back, Angel touching her bare shoulder as he sits back down. Spencer’s eyes fixate on the stranger, his eyes flickering back and forth between him and Bridgett.

“Who’s this?” Spencer questions.

“Oh I’m Angel, I’m Bridgett’s date.”

The room fell quiet, everyone watching the exchange. Spencer’s jaw clenched, taking a longer swig of his drink.

“Date huh? Nice.” He says under his breath.

Bridgett’s cheeks getting hot, getting through this dinner was going to be interesting.

Spencer was beyond fuming, but in the back of his mind he knew he had no true right to feel this angry.  But seeing that the girl he’s in love with be touched and goggled over made him seethe with rage.

If you weren’t such a goddamn wimp, maybe Bridgett and you could have gone together as a date, but no you have to be afraid of fucking everything.

Spencer knocks the glass of wine back, asking Rossi if he had anything stronger., to which he offered him his best scotch and Spencer took. He quickly shoots that one down, instantly regretting it once he feels the fire in his throat.

Bridgett watches him cough after hearing him swallow the shot, in the few years she’s know Spencer, he’s had maybe half a sip of champagne, and again… it was half a sip. “Woah, slowdown, I can’t carry you out of here.” Bridgett comments, laughing slightly.

Spencer pours another shot full, keeping his eyes on hers the whole time while he slowly sips, finishing yet another glass.

“Slow enough for you?”

***

Spencer didn’t speak one word while everyone was eating , anytime Bridgett spoke to him, Spencer wouldn’t look at her, he just nodded his head and take a heavy drink. He got more and more angry throughout the night, nobody else could tell if it was the alcohol or Angel.

Not too long after dinner was over some of the team started to leave. Angel wraps his arm around Bridgett’s waist, kissing her cheek.

“What do you say we get out of here?” Angel whispers in her ear. Bridgett giggles, smiling at him.

“Okay. I told my friend Spencer I would take him home, so I need to drop him off before I get home. Let me go find him.”

Bridgett walks to the backyard to try to find Spencer, not finding him with the rest of the team that was still here. She walks back inside, finding Derek and Penelope before they leave.

“Hey, have you seen Spence? I was supposed to give him a ride home.”

Derek sighs, throwing his jacket on. Penelope stares at Derek then back at Bridgett.

“He uhh… got a call from his mom’s care facility. He left like 10 minutes ago.”

“Oh my god is she okay?”

“He didn’t say. He was… upset.” Derek states, rubbing her shoulder in comfort. “I’ll see you Monday morning, mama.”

Bridgett walks to Rossi and Emily chatting with Angel, her coat in his hands.

“Hey, Spence took off because of a family emergency. So if you still want to head out, we can.”

Angel nods his head, helping Bridgett put her coat on and saying his goodbyes to the pair before walking hand and hand out with Bridgett back to her car.

***

Bridgett walks through the elevator, pulling the door open to the dugout. She spots Spencer at his desk, not expecting him to be at work this morning.

“Hey, you’re here. How’s your mom?”

Spencer barely turns his head to give Bridgett a dirty look, going back to scribbling something in his notebook.

“Fine.” He says plainly.

“Garcia said that you left Rossi’s party the other night because you got a call from your mom’s care facility that something happened. And you didn’t answer my phone calls all weekend. I was worried about you.”

Spencer gets up from his desk with a sigh, whizzing past her toward the conference room. Bridgett stands there, completely confused why he wasn’t speaking to her.

“Hey mama, we have a local case, Hotch said a briefing in 5.” Derek says, passing by her quickly.

Bridgett sets her bag at her desk, taking her notebook and pen with her to the conference room, sitting in her usual spot next to Spencer.

“Hey, are you okay?” She asks quietly.

Spencer visibly rolls his eyes, fidgeting with his pen between his fingers.

“Yup. Just fine.”

Bridgett opens her mouth to ask him another question but everyone grabs their seat as JJ begins briefing everyone on their case.

***

Hotch had Bridgett and Spencer partner up to examine the crime scene and Spencer was beyond annoyed. Bridgett could feel the anger and tension between both of them the car ride to the crime scene. She wanted to ask what his deal was but she didn’t want there to be more anger in the air when they got to their destination.

While they were examining the crime scene and talking with the town sheriff, Spencer undermined every single thing she asked, said, or thought and it was pissing her off.

After a few hours they were ready to head back to headquarters and Bridgett was furious.

“Hey, Spencer, could you have me a tissue please?” Bridgett asks, motioning to the glove compartment. Spencer sighs loudly, opening the drawer and slamming the door closed hard. That was it.

“What the fuck is your problem?!” Bridgett yells. “Why are you being such a fucking dick? What did I do to you?”

“What are you talking about?”

Bridgett bites her cheek, putting her turn signal on and pulling off to the side of the road.

“What are you doing?” Spencer asks, raising his voice.

“No, what are you doing?! I don’t know why you’re pissed off at me, but you making me look like I don’t know what the fuck I’m talking about when we’re working is not okay. This attitude you’ve had with me all morning is starting to piss me off and I’m over it! What did I do?”

Spencer sits quietly, gathering his thoughts.

“I don’t want to talk to you about it.”

Bridgett was about 2 seconds away from screaming in anger, her hands grip the steering wheel, knuckles white.

“So instead of being a fucking adult you’re choosing to act like a child and not tell me why you’re angry with me? Real mature Spencer. You know, for a genius, you can be real dumb sometimes.” She fires off at him.

“Nice to know that’s what you think of me.” Spencer says quietly, grabbing his satchel, opening the car door and walking away from the car.

Bridgett sits dumbfounded. She gets out of the car, running after him. “Spencer! What are you doing?!”

He has his back turned to her, his cell phone pressed to his ear.

“Spencer, Spencer, Spencer, Spencer.” Bridgett repeats his name over and over again, getting under his skin.

Once he hangs the phone up he begins walking away again.

“Goddamn it! Where are you going?” She shouts, Spencer stopping in his tracks.

“Going back to work. I’m not riding with you back. I called a cab”

“Why are you being like this? What did I do Spencer?!” She was pissed, getting upset, and tired.

“You’re being a shitty friend!” Spencer yells, visibly taken back at what he even just yelled.

Bridgett stares at him, tears clouding her vision. “I’m not a shitty friend.” She says with a light voice. “You really think I’m a shitty friend? All the nights I spent on the phone with you because you were having bad nightmares, the time I went to your house at 3:30am because you called me inconsolable, was there for you because you got a call that your mom was having a bad day and you felt guilty for putting her in a mental hospital. All of that I was there for you and you still have the audacity to call me a shitty friend? Really?”

Spencer doesn’t make eye contact with her, his feet kicking the pavement under him. Bridgett walks back to the car, tears flowing down her cheeks at his words. She sits in the car, watching Spencer sit on the sidewalk, waiting for his cab, his head turning every so often to see the car still parked several feet away. Bridgett openly sobbed in the car, she was sensitive enough as it was, but having her best friend call her a shitty friend broke her. She waits in the car until she sees a yellow cab pull up next to Spencer and him get in it. Even though he just pissed her off, she didn’t want him to be by himself in the middle of nowhere. Once she sees him get in she drives off toward the office, still sniffling and the occasional tear rolling down her cheek.

Once she pulls into the parking spot back at the office, she slowly walks inside, trying to get her mind together before having to go back and face the rest of the team. She walks through the doors, throwing the case file on her desk and grabbing her bag to go home.

“Hey, where’s Spence?” Derek asks, popping up behind her.

“Fuck if I know.” Bridgett mumbles, turning to walk out for the day.

“Wait! Where are you going? What happened? Are you crying?” Derek rattles his questions off one after the other.

Bridgett continues walking out, ignoring Derek talking to her. She presses the elevator down button, waiting for it to come. She feels someone next to her, Derek. She sighs, folding her arms over her chest. The doors open, both of them walking in.

“What’s wrong?”

Bridgett clears her throat, choking back a sob.

“Spencer and I got into it… he got out of the car on the way back and called a cab to come get him because we were yelling at each other. He called me a shitty friend.”

“He’s going to kill me for saying this, but the reason he left on Saturday was because he was angry that you brought that kid with you to the party. He sort of has a thing for you.”

“Everyone keeps telling me that, you, Garcia, but he hasn’t made a move on me. I’m not going to wait for him to do it. I know that sounds mean but I can’t wait forever.”

Derek nods his head. “I know. I’ve been trying to tell him. And I told him the other night too. I’ve never seen him so mad. It definitely didn’t help that he was drinking everything in sight. But I can tell you that you’re not a shitty friend. Spencer just says what’s on his mind when he’s mad.”

“So that means he has it in his head that I’m shitty to him.”

Derek shakes his head, giving her a tight hug.

“No, that’s not what I’m saying. Let me talk to him. See if I can get him to calm down. Go home, I’ll tell Hotch you got sick on the job and take the rest of the day to make yourself feel better, alright?”

Bridgett nods, giving him a hug.

***

Bridgett grabs the plate of her favorite comfort meal, breakfast food drenched in hot sauce, and takes it over to the couch, flipping through the tv channels to find something to watch for the night. Her favorite movie was already loaded into her DVD player from the last time she watched it, and that was probably what she was going to settle for. As she takes a huge mouthful of eggs there’s a soft knock at the door. She groans, quickly chewing her food, opening the door quickly. Spencer is standing there, his head down, fidgeting with the leather strap across his chest.

“Hi.” He says quietly.

“Hello.” Bridgett responds, a hint  of attitude in her tone, still a little bitter at him for his earlier outburst.

Spencer bites his bottom lip, awkwardly fixing her doormat with his foot to straighten it out.

“I was wondering if I could talk… if we could talk.”

“What about?” She asks, crossing her arms over her chest, still not letting him inside.

“I wanted to tell you I’m sorry.” Finally looking into Bridgett’s eyes.

“Oh really? Okay well I’m listening.”

Spencer sighs, tapping his fingers on his bag.

“Derek told me that you went back to work crying… about what I said to you and I didn’t mea-“

Bridgett interrupts, just to get under his skin. “What did you say to me? I forgot.” She questions, her voice thick with sarcasm.

Well she isn’t going to make this easy.

“I… I called you a shitty friend. And I didn’t mean it, Bridge. I was angry and I should have never said it because it’s far from the truth. You’re the only true friend I’ve ever had, and I feel like such a dick for saying it to you. I probably can’t ever apologize enough to make up for it, but my apology is genuine.”

Bridgett continues to stare at him for a few seconds, she could tell he really was sorry for his harsh words, and even if she wanted to, she couldn’t be mad at him.

“Come in.” She moves from the middle of the doorway, letting Spencer in. He walks in, following her to the couch.

“I want you to be honest with me, because I already know the answer to the question.”

Spencer nods his head, playing with a loose string on her throw pillows.

“Do you have romantic feelings for me?”

Spencer’s eyes grow wide, almost in a cartoonish way. He drops eye contact with Bridgett, his heart beating a million miles per hour.

Tell her. Tell her now. She already knows. Tell. Her.

“Yeah.” He says, no sound coming out of his mouth, his vocal chords frozen. He clears his throat, “Yeah, I have feelings for you. I have for a while now.”

“How long is a while?” Bridgett questions, feeling a bit of relief that he finally admits it.

“476 days. Since the night at the hotel… in Idaho. Well actually 388 days before that, it’s kinda why what happened in Idaho… happened. So 864 days total.”

Bridgett nods her head, trying to hide the smirk on her face, remembering very fondly of what happened in Idaho.

“And why did you feel the need to hide the fact you had feelings for me that weren’t just sexual feelings? Why do you think that you couldn’t tell me you liked me in a romantic way?”

“I don’t know. I was scared that you were going to laugh in my face when I told you that I fell in lo-.” He stops himself before he says the word.

“Fell in love with me?” Bridgett asks, finishing his sentence.  

He nods his head, afraid to say the words.

“I wouldn’t laugh at you. And to be honest with you, I would be lying to myself if I said I didn’t like you too. I haven’t been in love with you for 800 days, but I do love you.”

Spencer stays quiet, smiling to himself. “864 days.”

Bridgett rolls her eyes and elbows his arm playfully.

“Oh, so sorry 864 days. Since we’re talking about how many days we’ve been in love with each other, I've been in love with you for about…” Bridgett pauses as she does the math in her head, not anywhere close to how fast Spencer’s brain worked. “730 days.”

“Really?”

Bridgett nods her head, “Yeah, it’s kinda hard not to love you. You know what solidified my love for you? Do you remember when we were flying back from Seattle, and you were exhausted, we were sitting together, we had barely been in the air for 20 minutes and I felt your head rest on my shoulder. I looked over at you and you were passed out. I put my head on yours and I fell asleep too. When I woke up, Emily had a picture on her phone she had taken of us and I knew that I loved you.”

Spencer touched Bridgett’s cheek with his thumb softly, staring at her deep brown eyes. He takes Bridgett’s hand in his, holding them close to his chest.

“I love you Bridgett, and I really want to make you happy.”

She lets go of his hands and places both of them on each side of his face, giving him a smile.

“I forgive you.” She says softly, kissing his lips. “And I love you too.”

“So does this mean you’re my… girlfriend?”

Bridgett kisses his lips softly, smiling at him lovingly.

“Yes, yes it does mean I’m your girlfriend. You good with that?”

“Very. I’m very good with that.”

[callunavulgari]

Scrapbook 2021 | Part II

For anyone that’s new to this, this is how I keep track of all of the things I enjoy and/or create throughout the year. I have literally been doing this since I had a livejournal. I think the first one was 2011? Maybe? In which case, woohoo, ten years of scrapbooking!

It’s a nice little snippet of my life and helps to organize my brain.

A reminder:

Normal font - Indifferent/Neutral Italicized font - Enjoyed bold font - Loved with an asterisk* - All time favorite (bracketed titles) - Re-watches/Re-reads strikethough - Disliked

Goals are: read 80 books (as of today, i am at 31 books, which sounds not great but goodreads assures me that it’s only 1 book behind schedule), finish five video games (at two at the moment... mostly because I keep dragging my feet on actually finishing P5R), write more than 20 fics (at... 6) or something larger than 20k (negative), and write either an original short story or start a novel (i have started plotting for the novel? does that count?)

Past Years

MOVIES

May

Mortal Kombat

(SW: The Phantom Menace)

(SW: Attack of the Clones)

(SW: Revenge of the Sith)

(SW: Rogue One)

(SW: A New Hope)

SW: Clone Wars

Enola

Wonder Woman 1984

Dark Phoenix

(Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring)

June

(Princess Mononoke)

Sailor Moon: Eternal

In The Heights

Wish Dragon

July

Luca

(Thor: Ragnarok)

(Doctor Strange)

(Guardians of the Galaxy)

Black Widow

Space Jam 2 Electric Boogaloo

August

The Green Knight

Godzilla vs Kong

(Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets)

BOOKS

May

These Violent Delights | Chloe Gong [Fin]

The Midnight Library | Matt Haig [Fin]

The Galaxy, and the Ground Within | Becky Chambers [Fin]

Unconquerable Sun | Kate Elliott

People We Meet On Vacation | Emily Henry [Fin]

The Soulmate Equation | Christina Lauren [Fin]

June

Unconquerable Sun | Kate Elliott [Fin]

September Love | Lang Leav [Fin]

One Last Stop | Casey McQuiston [Fin]

The Chosen and the Beautiful | Nghi Vo [Fin]

Lumberjanes, volume 2 | Noelle Stevenson [Fin]

For the Wolf | Hannah Whitten [Fin]

The Sandman | Neil Gaiman [Fin]

Mister Impossible | Maggie Stiefvater

July

Mister Impossible | Maggie Stiefvater [Fin]

TAZ: The Crystal Kingdom | The Mcelroys [Fin]

She Who Became the Sun | Shelley Parker-Chan

A Psalm for the Wild-Built | Becky Chambers

The Universe of Us | Lang Leav

August

She Who Became the Sun | Shelley Parker-Chan [Fin]

A Psalm for the Wild-Built | Becky Chambers

The Universe of Us | Lang Leav [Fin]

Lumberjanes, volume 3 | Noelle Stevenson [Fin]

Lumberjanes, volume 4 | Noelle Stevenson [Fin]

PODCASTS

May

The Penumbra Podcast, s3-END

June

The Magnus Archive - Fear Winners 1 & 2

July

Gods of Appalachia, Eps 1-6

(Wolf 359)

Janus Descending

August

(Wolf 359)

Mabel

(Zero Hours, ep 7)

Time:Bombs

TV SHOWS BY SEASON

May

Watcher Entertainment, Are You Scared?

Castlevania, s3, s4 [Fin]

Word of Honor [Fin]

Buzzfeed: Kelsey in Control?

Demon Slayer, s1

June

Demon Slayer, s1 [Fin]

Kim’s Convenience, s4

Leverage, s5 [Fin]

Watcher: Too Many Spirits, s3

Loki, s1

Lucifer, s2, s3, s4

Trese, s1

(Buzzfeed Unsolved: True Crime, s3, s6?)

(Buzzfeed Unsolved: Supernatural, s1)

Sweet Tooth, s1

Love, Death & Robots

July

Loki, s1 [Fin]

Watcher: Too Many Spirits, s3 [Fin]

Watcher: Dish Granted, s3

Shark Week

Lucifer, s5

Masters of the Universe: Revelation

August

The Owl House, s2

Watcher: Dish Granted, s3

Watcher Weekly+

Buzzfeed: Ruining History

Star Trek Discovery, s1, s2, s3

What If..., s1

VIDEO GAMES

May

Monster Hunter Rise, 12 hours

Mass Effect 1: Legendary Edition, 25 hours

Pokemon Go

June

Mass Effect 1: Legendary Edition, ? hours

Pokemon Go

Animal Crossing: New Horizons, ??? Hours

Persona 5 Royal, ??? hours

July

Persona 5 Royal, 167 hours

Pokemon Go

August

Persona 5 Royal, 167 hours

Pokemon Go

Ori and the Blind Forest [Fin]

DELIGHTFUL FIC

May

The word is help. by spqr | Star Wars | Din/Luke | 9k | In a flash, Fett has his blaster out and pointed at Luke’s head. “You’re right,” he says. “Turnabout’s fair play. So maybe I oughta shoot you.”

Don’t be afraid. by spqr | Star Wars | Obi-Wan/Anakin | 12k | “Padawan Kenobi,” Yoda says, after a moment. “Complete your training, Master Skywalker will.”

who carried the hill by spqr | Star Wars | Din/Luke | 22k | Din’s about to head up the ramp onto the newly-repaired Razor Crest when a string pulls taut around his heart and yanks him into the sky.

Tapestry by spqr | Star Wars | Obi-Wan/Anakin | 8k | In March, Obi-Wan drags Anakin to another faculty party, where Anakin gets all sorts of wrong ideas about Quinlan Vos and decides to fellate Obi-Wan in a coat closet about it.

wonderterror by peradi | Star Wars | Leia/Han/Luke | 6k | Anakin Skywalker is the son of the Force.He’s half human and half something monumental.What does that make his children?

Xen Gardens by denimwrapped | Buzzfeed Unsolved | Ryan & Shane | 1k | Shane Madej saves the day.A strange man comes to congratulate him.

A Series of Better Decisions by SassySnowperson | Star Wars | Padme/Obi-Wan/Anakin | 9k | "Kill him. Kill him now!" Chancellor Palpatine hissed, as Anakin held the two blades against Dooku's neck. "No," Anakin said. "It's not the Jedi way."

Futurus (-a -um) by cadesama | Star Wars | Padme/Anakin/Obi-Wan | 60k | Cracked hyperdrive? No problem. Just hold it together with the Force. Time travel? Well. That could be a bigger problem.

Comfort in Wartime by Rosbridge | Star Wars | Padme/Obi-Wan/Anakin | 4k | Obi-Wan is exhausted, drunk, and just about out of fucks to give.

spark me up, i'm a firework (i'll burst into light) by coffeeinallcaps | FATWS | Bucky/Sam | 7k | "You know how the super-soldier serum makes everything, well, super? I guess you could say that's what happened to my sex drive."

Thaw by spqr | Star Wars | Din/Luke | 6k | That’s what hope does to you, Luke remembers now. It lingers at the back of your mind, whispering maybe, maybe, so that knowing a plan is stupid isn’t enough to keep you from trying it.

Christ in Repose by spqr | Din/Luke | 8k | More on this story as it develops. Subscribe to HNN’s JEDI WATCH newsletter for instant updates on Jedi sightings throughout the galaxy.

Insufferable by perkynurples | Word of Honor | Wen Kexing/Zhou Zishu | 3k | Wen Kexing asks a question. Zhou Zishu only hesitates to answer for a little while.

parasitic, parasocial by brawlite | The Untamed | Song Lan/Xiao Xingchen/Xue Yang | 45k | Xue Yang stumbles upon the channel of Fuxue, a popular videogame streamer, and immediately becomes completely and utterly obsessed with him. Unfortunately, Fuxue has a boyfriend -- but that's fine: Xue Yang loves a challenge.

Aaron Burr has Hamilton's RSI and he isn't pleased about it. by DragonBandit | Hamilton | Hamilton/Aaron Burr | 3k | Aaron knows 2 things about his soulmate: The first is that they're angry about everything. The second is that they need to fucking sleep.

dinluke lawyer au by spqr | Star Wars | Din/Luke | 31k | At 1:18 a.m., just when Luke is starting to think he might’ve gotten away with something, Biggs Darklighter shows up on the other side of his desk and says, “I can’t believe you called in sick to get shotgun married to a Mando.”

like, comment, subscribe by DeHeerKonijn, Roselightfairy | Lord of the Rings | Gimli/Legolas | 90k+ | Legolas meets Gimli for lunch - unfortunately, he meets someone else, too.

a jackal; a thief by brawlite | Word of Honor | Wen Kexing/Ye Baiyi | 11k | This is not the first time Wen Kexing’s body has been poisoned like this.

you're the trouble that i always find by sundiscus | Word of Honor | Wen Kexing/Zhou Zishu | 27k | “Do you know him?” Jin Wang asks.The ringing in Zhou Zishu's ears gets louder. “No, Wangye,” he says.At Zhou Zishu’s voice, the prisoner freezes.

vampire!wwx threadfic by sundiscus | The Untamed | Wei Wuxian/Lan Wangji | ??? words | in which vampires exist in a modern cultivation au, lwj is investigating a string of strange deaths, and wwx is a vampire he can’t seem to kill.

Velle by DeHeerKonijn, Roselightfairy | LotR | Gimli/Legolas | 29k | Velle (Latin): to want.

June

May All My Wounds Be Mortal by hansbekhart | Word of Honor | Wen Kexing/Zhou Zishu | 10k | Peeled out of his many robes, Wen Kexing’s body reveals itself to be mostly leg. He strips eagerly, grinning up at Zhou Zishu as if this is another joke between them. See? Wen Kexing’s body seems to say, I have no secrets from you.

drop by brawlite | The Untamed | Song Lan/Xue Yang | 4k |  Xue Yang has had this dream before.

Splenda by Tierfal | FMA | Ed/Roy | 19k | WIP | A sugar daddy AU that barely even qualifies as a sugar daddy AU, because these two can't do anything right.

From the Ashes by blacktofade | Buzzfeed Unsolved | Shane/Ryan | 3k | “This doesn’t need to leave this room,” Ryan had said that first time. “Casual is my middle name.”

Whale Songs by denimwrapped | Buzzfeed Unsolved | Ryan/Shane | 2k | It could be humming, he thinks. Some distant angelic humming. What it’s humming about, he’d have to find out the hard way. All he can hear in his mind’s ear is come closer. There’s so much more in the depths than you’ve ever known.

A Good Bargain by Neery | Word of Honor | Wen Kexing/Zhou Zishu | 11k | The Window of Heaven captures the Ghost Valley's master. Zhou Zishu is put in charge of interrogating him.

So Why Not Crack Your Skull When the Mind Swells by greenteafiend | The Untamed | Lan Wangji/Wei Wuxian | 13k | Or, Wei Wuxian is cursed to feel terrible pain when he and Lan Wangji aren’t touching.

the agony and the irony by arostine | Buzzfeed Unsolved | Ryan/Shane | 44k | WIP |  Ryan has a lot on his plate right now. He’s one of three members of his species employed at BuzzFeed, and the only male omega, and his boss keeps asking him to do videos about being an iterant ‘to educate the humans,’ when what he really wants to do is videos about ghosts.

the rest of your life by bestliars | Buzzfeed Unsolved | Ryan/Shane/Sara | 30k | MYSTERY DISAPPEARANCE IN THE MIDWEST! The year is 2034. Successful video producer Ryan Bergara uproots his whole life to take care of his friend’s children.

sit in my circle and hold my hand by soda_coded | Buzzfeed Unsolved | Ryan/Shane | 14k | Ryan and Shane work for the metaphysical department of the LAPD, fool around and get cursed.

Idle Hands (Do the Devil's Work) by ma_malice | Buzzfeed Unsolved | Ryan/Shane | 4k | In which the only upside to being a demon stuck in a seasonal Chicago snowstorm is the ability to abandon your body and possess your boyfriend in LA.

Shell Game by Giddygeek | The Magicians | Quentin/Eliot | 20k | Or, Quentin can’t believe he never thought to ask if there was a magical time in Fillory when people swapped bodies with the last person they slept with.

Contention by hollybennett123 | Word of Honor | Wen Kexing/Zhou Zishu/Ye Baiyi | 3k |  The Zhou Zishu of ten minutes ago, who first agreed to the whole thing — the evening’s conversation and general bickering over drinks taking an unexpectedly filthy turn — had been thinking only about the imminent pounding on offer and not, well, everything else that might come with it.

Necrocafé by etothey | Locked Tomb Trilogy | Gideon/Harrow | 2k | Harrowhark Nonagesimus isn't sure which confounds her more: the new boxes of bones she is to animate, or the hot redheaded courier who brings the boxes.

simple man by spqr | Loki | Loki/Mobius, Loki/Loki | 6k | “Tell you what,” says Mobius, shortly after the Timekeepers have sentenced Loki to death, “why don’t I take care of this?”

(Un)disclosed desires by Springandastorm | Loki | Loki/Mobius | "That's not how I see you at all, Loki." Mobius said, unexpectedly earnest. "We all play roles sometimes." 

sources of light by brawlite | Word of Honor | Wen Kexing/Zhou Zishu | 3k | Zhou Zishu makes a difficult choice in order to save Wen Kexing's life. The morning after is not an easy one.

warm company, cold nights by janonny | Word of Honor | Wen Kexing/Zhou Zishu | 23k | He gave Zhou Zishu a lingering look from beneath his lashes. “Your virtuous wife will accompany you of course.”

July

the potential of broken things by icarusinflight | Harry Potter | Drarry | 11k | "Can you feel that? Some things want to be what they once were. The original spell is still there, and it wants to work again. All it takes is a little push and then"—Draco clicks his fingers of his free hand—"snap, everything will go back into place."

little beast by brawlite | The Untamed | Song Lan/Xue Yang | 7k | Payback's a bitch.

you, undeniable you by returnsandreturns | Brooklyn Nine-Nine | Jake/Amy | 1k | “Are you sure you’re okay with this?” Jake asks, for the fourth time. “Because we can just ditch that thing, toss it out a window, do it missionary like the founding fathers intended.”

Car Talk by drunkbedelia | Loki | Mobius/Loki | 1k | ‘When I pruned myself, I thought I might be able to find Loki,' Sylvie said.

one too many by sarcasticfishes | Watcher | Ryan/Shane | 1k | “Stay here,” Ryan says, just casual enough, “I’ll drive you home tomorrow.”

Tencent and Chill by quoth_the_ravenclaw | The Untamed | Nie Huaisang/Nie Mingjue | 2k | “Da-ge,” Huaisang whines, all for show, as much a performance as the actors on screen. He wiggles his toes. “My feet are so sore, you worked me too hard.”

The House at the End of the World by Hopetohell | Loki | Loki/Mobius/Sylvie | 1k | What will they do, now that they can do anything?

moderate the middle by ElisAttack | Loki | Loki/Mobius/Sylvie | 9k | People only smiled with their eyes when it was real. Unless they were a Loki. No matter the differences between the variants, their tricky grins were a constant as much as they were indiscernible.

Lost and Sound by snack_size | Loki | Loki/Thor/Sylvie | 5k | “Sylvie, did you help my brother defeat the Time Police?”

push the button (and let me know) by dinosuns | Loki | Loki/Mobius | 5k | “How about this?” hands folded on the table, he watches Loki intently. “If you tell me why, I’ll answer.” 

We're (not) all villains here by sir_not_appearing_in_this_archive | Loki | Loki/Mobius/Sylvie | 19k | WIP | Alone and friendless (once again), Loki has to find a way to set things right, or at least right enough he can comfortably sneak off into the sunset, which starts with one thing: saving Mobius's lost memories.

what remains by dinosuns | Loki | Loki/Mobius | “You’re no analyst.” Mobius sounds stunned. They are not aligned, they are not in tandem. But there are wistful glimmers of what is now agonisingly out of reach.

worth a shot by thereyoflight | Loki | Loki/Sylvie | 2k | When Loki and Sylvie are moments away from being cornered on the train in Lamentis, they resort to desperate measures.

Bug Problems by xorabbit | Marvel | Grandmaster/Loki | 7k |  Loki ends up on Sakaar, of course, with just that many more schemes to scheme. However, the Grandmaster is not altogether too terrible--a bit of fine luck, for once--and perhaps it's all right to have a better-natured fling while one works out what's next.

our way, no takebacks by dinosuns | Loki | Loki/Mobius | 20k | "Nice speech," Sylvie drawls, but the sarcasm doesn't land.

August

Vennen min by spqr | Loki | Loki/Mobius | 12k | The day they let Mobius out of the infirmary, Loki gets assigned to a new handler. This, Mobius is pretty sure, is where the trouble starts.

new terms by dinosuns | Loki | President Loki/Mobius | 21k | For the first time in his life, Loki triumphs. How fitting then, for the end to swiftly barge in unannounced.

Icarus by Waako | Loki | Loki/Mobius | 5k | When Mobius got pruned, he expected two different outcomes. Either eternal peace or eternal emptiness. He certainly didn’t expect a grey sky, ruins of old buildings looming over him, and a Loki variant watching him like he was a piece of fresh meat.

Stress Relief by spqr | Loki | Loki/Mobius | 3.5k |  “Let me read you something,” Loki says. He rifles through the pages, clears his throat, and Mobius puts a hand over his eyes because he knows what’s coming before Loki even reads the first word—“Pēdīcābō ego vōs et irrumābō—“

just like the weather by sarcasticfishes | BFU | Shane/Ryan/Sara | 6k | “Y’know,” Ryan shrugs. “Friends have kids together sometimes. Like if a same-sex couple has a friend surrogate for them. Or sometimes people just co-parent.”

Woodash and iron and leather by iffervescent | The Witcher | 9k | Jaskier is the only person Geralt's ever been around who doesn't smell of fear

Food of Love by tanktrilby | The Witcher | Geralt/Jaskier | 22k | I brought a dead princess back to life through the power of song is the kind of thing that would have got an eyebrow raise even from the stone-faced Geralt of Rivia, so it's a good thing he and Geralt will probably never see each other again.

If The Morning Light Sets In by nagia | Castlevania | Sypha/Trevor/Alucard | 45k | Save the Belmonts, save the world.

halfway by ivelostmyspectacles | Castlevania | Sypha/Alucard/Trevor | 12k | Vampire attacks are happening again. Unprovoked, strange, humans and vampires dying alike. A disease. Alucard assures them that he isn't susceptible.

lonely lonely heart by spqr | Loki | Loki/Mobius | 7k |  Mobius looks down at the paperwork, gets a sort of flustered farmboy look on his face, looks back up at Loki and says, “You offered to give a cop fellatio in the middle of Central Park.”

Bedrest by Lise | The Untamed | Xiao Xingchen& Xue Yang | 3k | Xiao Xingchen's newest patient is causing him problems. He just won't stay put.

too little, too late. by raisesomehale | Miraculous Ladybug | Adrien/Marinette | 6k | WIP |  “Ladybug.” Chat’s voice cuts in like molten steel.

DELIGHTFUL FANVIDS

May

Jesper Fahey | 99 Problems

Jesper Fahey | OLD TOWN ROAD

Kaz & Inej | I Can't Pretend

human | kaz brekker

bucky barnes || humble

The Mandalorian || Warriors

The Mandalorian | I'll See You Again

Hope is the light.

►Zhou Zishu & Wen Kexing | Beautiful mess

Kaz & Inej | I Can't Pretend

versailles at night | alina & the darkling

look what you made me do | the darkling

Bucky Barnes | Rasputin

Obi-Wan || dirty work

Blood in the water [the Witcher]

MARVEL || Astronaut in the Ocean

Enola Holmes || Unstoppable

Shadow & Bone || Fire Meets Fate

Mo Dao Zu Shi Season 3 AMV/Trailer - Teeth

Kylo Ren | STAR WARS

June

MARVEL || Rasputin

MARVEL || Astronaut in the Ocean

i dont enjoy hurting people | Loki [1x01]

loki laufeyson • unsteady [⚠ 1x01]

MARVEL || Levitating

Shadow & Bone | Paint It Black

Glitter & Gold | Jesper Fahey

Shadow and Bone | Levitating

wen kexing ✘ zhou zishu | put your lips on mine

Erik Lensherr - Magneto

The Crows || Circus

The Crows | Thrift Shop (Shadow & Bone)

Zemo & Bucky — RASPUTIN [tfatws]

Cruella | Feeling good

Percy Jackson || Watch Me

THE KILLING KIND || The Magnus Archives Animatic

LOKI || Glorious Purpose

The Darkling | Black Heretic

Sam x Bucky || Handclap [HUMOR]

Loki || Lovely

Doctor Strange || Dystopia

Loki & Sylvie || I’m not your friend

Loki || Hate Me

MARVEL || River

Loki & Bucky || Paint It Black

Wanda Maximoff || The Scarlet Witch (WandaVision)

Play With Fire || MARVEL || Loki Doctor Strange Scarlet Witch

MARVEL || Warriors

Loki || God of Mischief || You Do You

(Marvel) Loki | You Will Never Be A God

Marvel's Horror Cinematic Universe

community gardens || the magnus archives PMV

July

Thor || Rise

Loki & Sylvie - Demons in my head [ep.3]

//HUMANS// THE MAGNUS ARCHIVES

Loki | Lost

A Quiet Place

Loki & Sylvie || Strange Birds

Loki & Sylvie "I won't let you down" | (+1x05)

♚ Loki & Sylvie | If You Love Me (1x04)

Loki & Sylvie | If our love is wrong [Loki +1x04]

Loki and Mobius | Hold On [Loki +1x05]

loki laufeyson • in the end [+ 1x04]

Loki and Sylvie || Feeling Good

Marvel || Black Widow - Counting Stars || Natasha Romanoff 

Cruella || Little Wicked

MARVEL || This is My Time || Shang-Chi Trailer Music

Sylvie | Unstoppable (Loki +1x03)

Loki and Sylvie (Lady Loki) || Play With Fire

Wanda and Vision || Dancing With Your Ghost

Wanda Maximoff and Loki || You Should See Me In A Crown

Loki and his Variants ⚔ King of Space [ep.5]

Loki & Sylvie ❤ This world is slowing down [ep.5]

Sylvie || Confident (+1x04)

•Loki x Sylvie ⱠΞⴼ King and Queens•

Loki - In The End | Marvel

Loki & Sylvie ❤ Out of Control [ep.4]

Loki & Mobius | Dynasty [LOKI/+1x04]

Loki & Sylvie ❤ Love War [ep.6]

(Marvel) Loki | Glorious Purpose

(MARVEL) Loki | Chaos

Loki | In The End [+1X06]

Loki x Sylvie | Another Love

Loki & Sylvie | Arcade [ Loki +1x06]

MARVEL || The Assembled Universe (c/w ASTrix UI)

August

Natasha & Yelena || Do It Like A Dude

Black Widow || Smells Like Teen Spirit

MARVEL || Uptown Funk

MARVEL || 1 in a Million

MARVEL/DC || Dies Irae

Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness TRAILER #1

MARVEL || Loki 

DELIGHTFUL MUSIC

May

The Wild One - Suzi Quatro

What’s So Funny ‘Bout - Sharon Van Etten

Levitating - Dua Lipa

The Underground - Meg Myers

You Won’t Find Me - Narrow Skies

Elixir of Life - Leah

Salt and the Sea - The Lumineers

ERROR - Niki, Kradness

Runaway - AURORA

Butterfly Water - Pastelle

Close to the Sun - Porcelain Pill

Selkie-boy - The Lost Words

Good Riddance - Annapantsu

Die Anywhere Else - Julia Henderson

Heat Waves - Glass Animals

Down - St Vincent

Word of Honor OST

Welcome to the Pleasuredome - Frankie Goes to Hollywood

Shy Away - Twenty One Pilots

Follow You - Imagine Dragons

I’m Not That Girl - Kerry Ellis

Meant to be Yours - Ryan McCartan

Ex Wives - Six

Euphoria - BTS

Walls - Cher

96,000 - In the Heights

Sun Goes Down - Lil Nas X

Enough For You - Olivia Rodrigo

Brutal - Olivia Rodrigo

Ziti E Buoni - Maneskin

Shum - Go_A

Loco Loco - Hurricane

Space Ghost Coast to Coast - Glass Animals

The Horror and the Wild (whole album - The Amazing Devil

Chant - Hadestown

Titans - Major Lazer, Sia

Bones - Galantis

Golden Dandelions - Barns Courtney

Le Nozze di Figaro - Hybrid

Save Your Tears - The Weeknd

Psycho - Post Malone

Gold Lion - Yeah Yeah Yeahs

Close to Me - Ellie Goulding

And So It Went - The Pretty Reckless

help herself - bbno$

Fire For You - Cannons

Twist the Knife - Chromatics

He Said She Said - Chvrches

Face Down - The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

Campus - Vampire Weekend

Your Power - Billie Eilish

Reach - Eternal Eclipse

1 Last Cigarette - The Band Camino

Insertion - Hans Zimmer

from the edge - fictionjunction

The Devil Is a Gentleman - Merci Raines

Meet Me In The Woods - Amarante

Fire - Saint Mesa

Smells Like Teen Spirit - Saint Mesa

Appetite - Casey Edwards

All Things Devour - aeseaes

Throne - Saint Mesa

Witchcraft - Vian Izak

June

The Shrine / An Argument - Fleet Foxes

It’s Tricky - Run

Darjeeling - Barrie

Hollywood Forever Cemetery Sings - Father John Misty

Picture Me Better - Weyes Blood

Loch Lomond - Mackenzi Tolk

Punta - Matzzy

Touch It Clean - DJ Raulito

Oh No - Kreepa

Ancient Dreams in a Modern Land - Marina

Sofia - Askjell

The Boy - Shannon & the Clams

First Steps - Lena Raine

The Power of Balance Rearranged - Rush Garcia

And So My Heart Became a Void - Ursine Vulpine

Paper Mache - Iris Lune

Catch Me If You Can - Desert Belle

Darkroom Double - Moon & Pollution

Serotonin - girl in red

In the Air Tonight - Natalie Taylor

When Your Heart Is a Stranger - Friends In Paris

Moon Effect - Sailor Moon Eternal OST

In A Black Out - Hamilton Leithauser

Forever - CHVRCHES

Way Less Sad - AJR

Helter Skelter - Detention

The Devil You Know - X Ambassadors

TVA - Natalie Holt

Honeybee-The Head and the Heart

Home All Summer - Anthony Ramos

In the Shadows - Amy Stroup

My Way - Lucifer Cast

In the Air Tonight - Jon Howard

The Beast - Old Caltone

The Beast - Delta Rae

Freak Like Me - Adina Howard

Only the Good Die Young - Billy Joel

Winds of Change - Scorpions

good 4 u - Olivia Rodrigo

If I Could See The World - Patsy Cline

Ends of the Earth - Lord Huron 

The Killing Kind - Marianas Trench

Bones - Wens

Kiss Me More - Doja Cat

How Not to Drown - CHVRCHES

July

Dark Moon - Bonnie Guitar

Free Smiles - Tia Ray

Sundown Blues - Joanna Levine

Citta Vuoto - Mina

If You Love Me - Brenda Lee

Very Full - Tom Hiddleston

Loki Green Theme - Natalie Holt

Wrecked - Imagine Dragons

The Wolves - Cyrus Reynolds

Cure For Me - Aurora

Theory of Light - Eternal Eclipse

Fate of the Clockmaker - Eternal Eclipse

Potential Breakup Son - Aly and AJ

transparent soul - travis barker

My Love Will Never DSie - AG, Claire Wyndham

Happy Together - King Princess

Atomise - Temple

Darkside - Oshins

Someone to Watch Over Me - Lucifer Cast

This is Ours - Peter Sivo

Love and War - Fleurie

Take Me To Church - MILCK

Devil I Know - Allie X

East of Eden - Zella Day

Shadow Preachers - Zella Day

Losing My Religion - BELLSAINT

Hard to Kill - Beth Crowley

Dark Side - Blind Channel

Tanz Mit Mir - Faun

My Jolly Sailor Bold - Ashley Serena

Stuttering - Fefe Dobson

August

Monsters and Fairies - Savannah

Chosen - SVRCINA

IAN HA 3BYK - GO A

Freya - Verdandi

Sick on Seventh Strett - Sarah and the Safe Word

Tarah - Sae Sae Norris

Suspicion - Sherwood Roberts

Fjorgyn - Osi and the Jupiter

Fight to Make It Up - Takenobu

The Edge of Dawn - Rozen

Innocence - Cannon Diviision

A Stray Child - .Hack//Sign

The Kiss - Luigi Rubino

Any Kind of Dead Person - Ghost Quartet

The Great Unknown - Dominique Gilbert

Smells Like Teen Spirit - Saint Mesa

over the rainbow - misterwives

Fireflies - Cullen Vance

My mother Told Me - Nati Dreddd

Athetosis - Crywolf

Major Tom - Shiny Toy Guns

Novacaine - 10 Years

Right Here Right Now - Jesus Jones

NDA - Billie Eilish

Trouble’s Coming - Royal Blood

Completing the Circle - Gareth Coker

There’ll Always Be Another Monster - Brian D’Oliveira

POSTED FIC

May

take my hand and i'll drown you with me | Star Wars | Rey & Ben Solo | 2,157 words |  “You brought this upon yourself,” the creature told her, its voice serene.

June

keeping me restless and whole | Loki | Loki/Mobius | 1,584 words | Mobius was very young when he encountered his first Loki.

July

feed me lies until i'm dead | Loki | Thor/Loki | 3,476 words | “Don’t you think we should talk about it?” Thor asks.

the ghost of us can linger here | Loki | Loki/Mobius/Sylvie | 4,432 words | “So, how do you crazy kids want to do this?” Mobius asks them in a stage whisper, mouth twitching. At her back, Loki laughs, burying the sound against the curve of her neck.

there's a whisper in my bones | Loki | Loki/Mobius/Sylvie | 2,794 words |  “All right,” she says. “Fine. Let’s make things more interesting. Take off your clothes.”

east of eden | Loki | Loki/Mobius/Sylvie | 2,202 words |  “How long have you been fucking him?”  Mobius asks, stroking his fingers against the place where leather meets skin.

Triptych in C Minor | Loki | Loki/Mobius/Sylvie | 1,647 words | Pt 1 | There is a house at the end of time, past the last storm, pushed up against the very edge of the unknown. It is a castle, a manor, a fortress - all depending on who inhabits it. But one thing that it never is, is a home.

August

N/A

WIPS | UNPUBLISHED | ORIGINAL

May

2k of Reylo mermay fic

June

N/A

July

1k+ of Xue Yang being a slut for Song Lan and Xiao Xingchen

300 words of vampire Song Lan

7k of Green Knight AU

August

10k of Green Knight AU

1.5k of hair dye shenanigans

FANMIXES/GRAPHICS

May

yearning: a playlist for the heart

June

the chosen and the beautiful: a mix for jordan baker

July 

kings & queens of the ruckus: a mix for loki and sylvie

August

N/A

[ladyideal]

Our Love 2/3

Pairing: Leonard McCoy x Reader

Word Count: 3359

Warning: Whoo boy. Cursing, fighting, alcohol, slight fluff at the end, mention of character death, mostly angst and couples arguing

Summary: Two years since you met Leonard at the cafe, and you were together. Now working together on the Enterprise, you were happy. He was CMO, and you were First Officer on board. Concerned over Leonard’s health, you forced him to take a few days break, only to have it backfire in your face. 

A/N: Each part can stand on its own, if you don’t feel like reading it as a series. This is the second part where I chose “The Good Stuff” By Kenny Chesney which I love. Hope y’all enjoy, and you too @cuddlememerrick. ~ Italicized are the lyrics!

Part 1 is here. Part 3 is here.

That was two years ago when you first met Leonard McCoy at the cafe.

Since then, Starfleet had called you back to serve on a ship. With tears, you hugged your mom and the rest of your friends, and bid them a good bye with the promise of calling when you can. Your dad died serving aboard the USS Valiant when you were five. For you though, this was a family tradition. Every generation had served in Starfleet, and you were the fifth. 

Tearfully, you had told Leonard the news. Only to hear that he too was going into space. With luck, maybe you two could serve on the same ship one day. It was easier knowing he was in space, that there was a chance you get to meet him. However, it was a double edged sword, as anytime you could lose your boyfriend to the dangers of what space was known for.

Surprise, surprise though. 

You surprisingly met Leonard on the Enterprise. You explained that Starfleet sent a message saying that you were going to serve as First Officer. Almost immediately, your boyfriend rolled his eyes, and introduced you to his best friend and Captain James Kirk.It wasn’t long before you made friends with him too. 

Now two years later, you had everything you could ever want. Friends, a loving boyfriend, and working on the best place you could ever be.

“Dozed off there, Commander?” Jim grinned from behind you. 

Chekov had taken a sick day off. After some bribing from him, you agreed to take his shift. You rolled your eyes.

“Don’t think I haven’t noticed the same thing to you too, Jim,” You frowned down at the notes from the previous ensign at your console. “You drool most of the time.”

“You wound me,” The Captain gasped in mock disbelief, putting a hand over his heart. 

You snorted loudly. “If only that can wound you, then a killing blow must be the actual truth. Isn’t that right, Len?”

“What’s this about the truth?” The doctor asked, looking between you and his best friend as he entered from the turbolift, before settling a scowl at Jim. 

“Bones!” Jim hastily turned to his doctor. “Your girlfriend has been spreading rumors about me.”

“Our Jimmy boy over there disagrees that drools when he naps.” You cut in, ignoring the spluttering from Jim. “What do you say?”

“Infants,” Leonard scowled. “What do you want, Jim? I’m busy.”

Two years brought you more happiness than you’ve ever imagined. He was CMO, and you were the First Officer. Both you and him held busy lives, but you’ve always made sure to find time and try to be with him. After the first year, you moved in with him. 

As a couple, you’ve had your fair share of arguments with him. How you were the one doing the laundry, how the way he cleaned his dishes, how this and that, but nothing big. You were fully grown adults, and you and him did your best to try to reconcile in the middle. Win some, lose some.

Till now. 

“Sweetheart,” Leonard frowned down at his PADD. “Why did Jim put me on a two day leave?”

You tilted your PADD downwards to watch him angrily toss his onto the nightstand. “Yeah, you have a bad habit of overworking yourself, love.”

“You went behind my back, Y/N!”

You put your PADD down entirely, having a bad feeling that was going to go south really soon. “You need a break, Len. Every time you always come back exhausted, and almost all the time, I have to tow you out of your office so we can eat together,” You defended yourself. “I’m only looking out for your well being.”

“I don’t need a. Fucking. Break.” Leonard stalked towards your side of the bed. “What the hell gave you the right to look out for my well being?!”

“Because I'm your goddamn girlfriend!” You stood up. “And that gives me the right to look after you when something isn’t right. You and Jim are the same! You put on the weight of the entire fucking crew on yourself and more, without thinking of yourself first!”

“That does not give you the fucking right to go behind my back!” He stopped, mere inches from you. His face was set in angry lines, red, and even a vein popping out at his anger. Involuntarily, you took a step back and gulped. 

“Len, please,” You tried, eyes widening as he continued. 

“I can’t believe I trusted you!”

“Damn it Leonard McCoy,” You immediately shot back at him. “Would you listen to yourself for one damn minute? You can’t look after the goddamn crew if you can’t look after yourself first!”

“Forget it, Y/N.” Leonard spat, storming out your shared quarters.

When the doors slid shut, you stood there in shock. Before long, you spun on your heels and marched back towards the bedroom. Tears came streaming down, falling quietly onto the carpet below. Crawling into bed, you hugged your knees to your chest and bawled loudly, shaking as you did so. 

All you could do was cycle Leonard’s hard words over and over again, as if the repeat button was broken in, and there was nothing to stop it. It was never easy from the beginning. You knew this, Leonard knew it too. You enjoyed your job, and so did he. For the first time in a long time, you let yourself utterly break down.

“Doctor,” The bartender greeted when Leonard sat down on a bar stool. 

“Bourbon, on the rocks.” 

Wisely, the bartender left. Leonard held his head in his hands, not a single sound was uttered as he sat. A glass of bourbon sat untouched in the quiet bar.

Well, me and my lady had our first big fight 

So I drove around till I saw the neon light

The corner bar, it just seemed right so I pulled up

Not a soul around but the old bar keep

Down at the end lookin' half asleep

But he walked up and said, what'll it be?

I said the good stuff

He didn't reach around for the whiskey

He didn't pour me a beer

His blue eyes kinda went misty

He said you can't find that here

He was ready to spend the rest of his life with you. He was sure you were the one. After the divorce with Jocelyn, you had been there with him since that small cafe. It was easy being around you, almost as easy as breathing. Your smile shone as bright as the stars, your laughter was infectious, and he could get lost in your eyes every time he caught your gaze.

He’d fallen head over heels quickly, and you did too.

Cooking recipes together, eating burnt dinner, enjoying a brief time down at the holodeck. There was nothing you didn’t do on the ship together. He was nervous speaking with your mom the first time when you introduced them to each other. You were a mess when he did the same to you with his mom, Joanna, his sister, and his grandparents. 

Everyone got along well, and were hopeful that he would be it. Every time you went down for an away mission, he would be the one to patch you up. When he went down, you micromanaged up until he returned back into your arms once more.  

The ring was stuffed deep inside his pocket, an uncomfortable constant reminder that he’d made the choice. The subject was brought up after a drunk night, at the same bar he was in now. An old song played, and you told him what you wanted.

Marry him. 

Leonard had never thought that he would ever hear the words again. You had to be kidding, you couldn’t mean what you said. In the morning after, you assured him that you were 100% serious. If you were ever going to marry anyone, it would be him. No one else. 

You were his.

He was yours. 

He’d chosen the ring during one of the shore leaves, while you were out with your friends relaxing at the beaches. Jim had teased him the entire way there and back. It was a small market that he had looked around for. An artisan jeweler brought out the pieces, and after much thought, he had chosen a modest one. 

It was a promise. A promise of more in the future, and a life full of happiness. But now, it felt as if everything he’d worked for was crumbling down. 

“I apologize for intruding, doctor,” The bartender hesitated, barging into Leonard’s thoughts. “A fight with the Commander?”

'Cause its the first long kiss on a second date

Momma's all worried when you get home late

And droppin' the ring in the spaghetti plate

'Cause you're hands are shakin' so much

And its the way that she looks with her eyes and her hair

Eatin' burnt suppers the whole first year

And askin' for seconds to keep her from tearin' up

Yeah man, that's the good stuff

It was just a relationship hurdle Leonard had to go through. Everyone did.  He wanted you and him to work, badly. Jim was no help, and so the only logical thing was to explain it all. He didn’t know how long it was since he last asked for help.

Him and Jocelyn went to marriage counseling, but that fell through immediately. It wasn’t long before they were arguing again, bringing the whole house down. As the rift widened, he knew it wasn’t long before they separated. 

He was right. Now, he didn’t want a repeat number two. 

“Doc, I met my wife five years ago,” The bartender started placing the clean glasses away, reminding of how Leonard first met you. “Lost her after a year together on the Valiant. It was a new planet, and she was a scientist that wanted to know as much as she could. I regret it all, spending my time drinking at a bar when I could’ve been with her.”

Leonard frowned, rolling his glass around in confusion. “I don’t-.”

“Alcohol changes nothing. The problem at the end, is just swept under the rug where hopefully no one ever notices it,” The bartender continued, as though he didn’t hear the doctor in front of him. “But what you don’t know is that turning a blind eye only makes the problem grow bigger.”

He paused. “If I had known that Morgan would be brought back home in just a year, I would take it all back. All the arguing, all the anger, just to be able to see her smile again. It’s not worth it, worth the shouting, worth the pain.  I’d do anything to keep her happy, and I’m sure that’s what you want with Y/N also.”

Leonard nodded, taking a sip as he listened. 

“I spent it all at the bar here. We fought. I drank. We fought more. I drank more. It was a continuous cycle of love and hate. Eventually, we would crash and burn. We would forgive each other, and try to move on. In the morning before she died, we fought too. I told her it was too dangerous, that someone else could go in her place. But my wife was stubborn, said that it was her job as a scientist and to document it all. She later died in my arms, thinking that I hated her.”

The bartender took a sip from his water, looking forlornly out the window. 

Leonard stared down at his empty glass, contemplating the words. When he and Jocelyn started fighting, he had ended up turning to alcohol. Too close with alcohol in fact. Being a resident kept him busy, almost always around the clock at the hospital. It was always work, went home to sleep, and then went back to work again. He took it all for granted, and he paid the price.

Now, he was noticing the pattern again. Working down at the medbay, and only coming back to his quarters dead on his feet. He knew what he had to do. 

He grabbed a carton of milk and he poured a glass

And I smiled and said I'll have some of that

We sat there and talked as an hour passed like old friends

I saw a black and white picture and it caught my stare

It was a pretty girl with bu-font hair

He said, that's my Bonnie, taken 'bout a year after we wed

He said, I spent five years in the bar when the cancer took her from me

But I've been sober three years now

'Cause the one thing's stronger than the whiskey

“Now all I have left of her are my two kids that I raised on my own, and I’ve told them the same that I’m telling you now. Life is too short to focus on the small arguments, to waste it all away on something far less precious than the one you want to be with the rest of your life. Even more so, when no one knows when we will pass out in space where our control is out of our hands, doc.”

Leonard looked back up at the bartender, who was now leaning against the counter. 

“And your kids now?”

 “Morgan didn’t watch them grow up into the adults they are now, and didn’t hold what would have been our grandchildren. All I could remember was drinking all the time in order to drown my sorrows away, and hopefully forget it all.They keep me sober for two years now, and I do it for them now.   Both have their momma’s eyes. But I still miss her like crazy. I miss her laugh, her smile, her jokes, her eyes, the way she moves, everything. What I have left now are memories and a picture of her.”

He indicated a small colored photo propped up against a shot glass with a slight nod. “I keep her on me at all times. But most of my memories were hardly good. So I live with the regret of yelling and arguing at her for the rest of my life. I hope she’s up there somewhere though, in a better place and have forgiven me.”

“If I had the chance to do it right, I would take it within a heartbeat. Don’t repeat what I did. You never know when the good Lord will call your loved ones home.”  

“I understand what you’re tryin’ to say,” Leonard quietly spoke. 

“Here,” The bartender slid a glass of water over to the doctor. “I hope you keep this in mind, doc. We’ve only got one chance to get this right.” 

Was the sight of her holdin' my baby girl

The way she adored that string of pearls

I gave her the day that our youngest boy Earl

Married his high school love

And its a new t-shirt sayin' I'm a grandpa

Bein' right there as our time got small

And holdin' her hand when good the Lord called her up

Yeah man that's the good stuff

“I-I should go,” Leonard stood up, reaching over to pay for his drink. He drained his glass of water quickly. 

“It’s on me, doc,” The bartender waved his offered credits away. “For my wife Morgan.”

Thanking him, he hurried back to his shared quarters, desperately hoping you were still there. He knew what he had to say. All he needed was you to not have left. It would crush him even more if you did. No, he convinced himself. You were still there of course, but unhappy and upset. 

Rightly so. 

You didn’t know how long it had been since Leonard left, but you assumed it must have been a bit by now. Your mind still echoed of his anger, and it was all you could think about. The crying hadn’t exactly stopped either, only enough for you to suffer in the silence. 

It was silent enough that you heard the doors slid open though, and curled up tighter into a fetal position. You hid deeper under the covers, desperately hoping that he wouldn’t be able to immediately see you. You shivered as you heard his footsteps approach. 

“Still here, sugar?” Leonard called out from the hallway. He waited a moment for a reply, a sound, anything, but heaved a heavy sigh in the silence. “Thought so,” he mumbled, slowly making his way towards the bedroom. 

You kept your eyes on your pillow, one side of your cheek brushing against the wetness of the pillow cover. It was easier to not meet his gaze, or anything to associate with him. You whimpered quietly, eyes glassy and faraway. When the mattress dipped beside you, you kept your eyes focused on the other wall, refusing to look at him, refusing to give him the satisfaction of seeing you cry. 

It’s all you’ve known previously. You’d hoped this time, it would be different. Clearly not. 

“I’m sorry, sweetheart. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean any of it, I swear,” He murmured, slowly sliding his way into the covers beside you. His voice always soothed you, and this time it was no different. Yet, you still didn’t move.

Tentatively, he wrapped his arms around you in an effort to bring you closer to him. Wrenched out of your mind by the sudden contact, you flinched and jumped, before finally turning around to fully face him. 

Leonard looked wounded. For a moment, the self loathing crossed his face before it disappeared as quickly as it came. You knew Leonard, knew him enough that he would never hurt you. Therefore, you trusted him more than you had ever trusted anyone outside your immediate family. 

The mind was cruel that way. It twisted and turned, whispering words of pain and distrust after the fight. Playing a trick was how the mind defended itself, but his time, it was hurting you in its path of self defense. Sniffling, you slowly looked up from his blue tunic and up to his eyes. All you could see reflected in his eyes was apologetic, understanding, and most importantly, love.

“I’m here, sweetheart,” he continued, his voice soft and gentler than he had ever used on you. You whimpered once more, and he squeezed you tighter in his arms. “I know. It’s alright.” You ducked your head back down, letting out a sigh of relief that you didn’t know you were holding in, and laid your head on his chest. 

And cried once more. 

“I’m so sorry, sugar,” Leonard spoke lowly. Bit by bit, your tears stopped falling. Quieting down after some time, you let Leonard gently wipe away tear streaks upon your cheeks. You cleared your scratchy throat, hoping to get the words.

“Should’ve told you,” You managed out, looking tearfully back up at him. 

“Let me hold you for tonight, worry about that tomorrow.”

He said, when you get home she'll start to cry

When she says, I'm sorry, say so am I

Look into those eyes so deep in love and drink it up

'Cause that's the good stuff

“I’m not going to break up with you.” Was the first thing you said in the morning over breakfast. You’d taken the day off, knowing that even if you went back to work in the state you were in at the moment, Jim would just take you off anyways. Plus Leonard mattered more to you than a job. He was your everything, and you would do anything to fix this together.

Leonard came first. Job came second.

Leonard frowned, nearly choking over his spit at your words. “You should be furious with me.”

You only shook your head, poking your eggs around before taking a bite. “It's not the first time I've gone through this, Len.” A pause. “And I should’ve known better.” 

“You were looking out for me, sweetheart, and I’m sorry that I yelled at you.”

You reached out with your other hand to grab his, rubbing circles into his skin in an attempt to soothe him. “Thank you.”

That's the good stuff

ST Tags: @mournthewicked​ (You’re the best, thank you.)

[khoicesbyk]

My Two First Loves.

Homecoming Part 1: The Big Game.

A/N: I’ve read a multitude of books. And this one is becoming one that I thoroughly enjoy. So; Talley Ho! *in my Sherlock Holmes voice*

Rated: Mature. Contains suggestive content and strong language. You know? The usual from me. 😁 | Bolded and/or italicized words are conversations and thoughts of the characters. | Characters: Isaiah Harris (LI) and Kailah Price (MC) | All Characters: names (except MC) are property of Pixelberry. | All Characters are 18+.| Current Word Count: 2,195 words.

It was warm late August day and Isaiah Harris was shocked. He just stood there staring at Kailah Price like she had lost her mind.

“Run this by me again; you want me to do WHAT?!”, he asks her wanting to make sure he wasn’t hallucinating. “You heard me, Isaiah. You should run for Homecoming King. Since I’m running Homecoming Queen; you should run too.”, she told him.

“I’m sorry. Have you met me?! I’m not a Homecoming King, Kailah!”, he told her. She rolled her eyes at him; before she said, “you won’t know what you are until you try, Isaiah. You might even like it!”

He shook his head and said to her, “you’re insane! Utterly insane! What in the hell makes you think anybody would ever vote for me?”

“You mean besides your charm and good looks? You’ll be running with me! Especially since Jaylen is running with Brandi.”, she told him.

“Of course golden boy is running! Because why the fuck not?”, he sneered.

Even though he groaned and grimaced at thought of it; he couldn’t tell her no and as he started to think it over; he realized that he did like the idea of running with her and sticking it to Jaylen. “Alright fine! I’ll do it. I’ll run with you.”, he told her.

“Perfect! You won’t regret it! I promise you!”, she said as she threw her arms around his neck in a quick hug.

“I’m starting to regret it already.”, he teased her.

“Come on; let’s get to class before Mrs. Hartman chews my ass out again.”, he said to her as they walked to class.

He enjoyed her and her company; even though he’d never admit it out loud. She was the only friend he had that year. For the past 3 years or so; life hadn’t exactly been fair to him. Stints in juvie hardened him to the world. Losing his dad sophomore year; sent him into a tailspin that not even he thought he’d get out of. He was considered a lone wolf. And that was the way he liked it.

Until he met her that one fateful day. Until she smiled at him. Until he saw those pretty brown eyes of hers. Kailah Price was like a breath of fresh air to him. Her smile could light up a room. But; at this moment it lit up his whole life. He always felt alone in a cold world; until she came along and changed that. He felt relaxed around her. He didn’t have to hide or keep his lone wolf act. She didn’t judge him. She let him be him.

After weeks of her campaigning for the both of them and him just smiling and nodding while she campaigned; it was Homecoming weekend. But before the dance and the announcement of who would be King and Queen; it was time for the Homecoming game against Parkvale High!

“You ready for the game, today?”, Kailah asked him. “I guess so.”, he shrugged. Although he wanted to be QB; Isaiah had to settle for being on defense. Why? Because that position was taken by Jaylen. The one he called “golden boy”.

“You’ll do great, Isaiah. I have faith in you.”, she tells him trying to comfort him. He gave her a small half smile and said, “thanks Kailah. You’re the only person on this planet that ever does. I better get to practice before I don’t even get a chance to warm the bench. I’ll see you later.”

And with that he was gone. There was something about him that mesmerized her. She couldn’t quite put her finger on what it was; but she knew it was something. He was fascinating to her. Whenever they hung out or were near each other; her heart skipped a few beats. Whenever he kinda smiled at her; the heat in her body went up 12 degrees.

The only person that made her feel like that is Jaylen Jennings. But; she couldn’t have him. Why? Because he’s dating her best friend Brandi Lawrence. She’s secretly madly in love with Jaylen and has been since they were in kindergarten. And now that he’s all grown up and sexy her love for him has grown tenfold.

And he’s quite the catch. At 6’1 and chocolate he was everything she wanted a man to be. Driven, intelligent, athletic, focused and any other positive adjective that she could think of. He was destined to follow in his dad’s footsteps; by eventually joining The Marines.

He was perfect! But! He was hers. Hers being Brandi’s. Even though Kailah wanted him more than she wanted air; he was taken. And there was nothing her broken heart could do about it.

Enter Isaiah Harris. This oh so dark and mysterious yet; sexy as all get out young man. His bright smile (when she actually got him to smile) as well as smoldering brown eyes mesmerized her. Like Jaylen; Isaiah was tall too. 6’4 to be exact. Also like Jaylen; Isaiah was chocolate too.

According to what he told her; he has tattoos. But; he only shows the ones that he got in honor of his grandmother and his dad. A rose wrapped in a scroll on the inside of his left forearm for her. And a sword wrapped in a scroll on the inside of his right forearm for him.

He’s the bad boy she always dreamed about; but never thought would’ve existed in real life.

And now; it was time for the big game; and she was happy to see that Jaylen was starting. But; she was internally cheering for Isaiah. She wanted him to win so badly. After a tough practice; she wanted him to have a victory. And thankfully for her; he was about to get one.

As the game wound down to the final 2 minutes; Eastridge and Parkvale were tied 21-21 with Parkvale having the ball on the 5 yard line. It was up to Eastridge’s defense to make a stop and/or score.

And they got it, when Isaiah was able to not only force a fumble but; he returned it for the game winning touchdown. While the defense, most of the offense and the school celebrated Isaiah and his accomplishment. Jaylen, Coach Pierce and the remaining members of the offense looked on completely unimpressed.

Kailah was just as ecstatic about Isaiah winning the game. She couldn’t wait to tell him, how proud she was of him. While Brandi and the rest of the Cheer Squad also looked on. They were just as unimpressed by Isaiah as Jaylen and the others were. When he jogged over to her; he saw the excitement and adoration in her eyes.

“Ohmygod! Ohmygod! Ohmygod! You did it! You’re all sweaty and completely smelly! But! You! Did! It! I’m so damn proud of you Isaiah!”, she exclaimed as she hugged him.

That hug took his breath away. No one had ever told him that they were proud of him. Not until she said it.

“It was just a touchdown Kailah. It was really nothing special!”, he replied trying to play it off.

“What do you mean it was nothing?! That touchdown gave the school the biggest win of the season! All thanks to you!”, she said while beaming with pride at him.

“You don’t give up on people do you?”, he asked with a chuckle. “Nope! Not even a little bit! Come on! The coach is waiting.”, she told him before they walked to where the rest of the team and the cheer squad were gathered around the coach. She thought the coach would congratulate him on winning the game but; that was not to be.

“Great win team! All of you did really well out there. But! Only one of you gets the game winning ball. And that person is…Jaylen!”, Coach Pierce said with pride. “Without your leadership and drive; we would’ve never gotten this far! Congrats my boy! You earned this game ball!”

When Jaylen accepted the ball; Brandi threw her arms around him and said, “I’m so proud of you baby! I knew you would do it! That’s why you’re the star of the team!” It was like a slap in the face to Isaiah.

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me!”, he said. A mix of anger, disgust and disappointment written on his face.

“You got a problem with my decision Harris?!”, the coach snapped at him.

He scoffed at him and says, “yeah I got a problem! A big fucking problem! I bust my ass to get the touchdown that wins the game and I don’t get so much as a thank you!”

Kailah watches as the coach gets all up in his face and he yells at him, “I’m not about to waste my time thanking someone who doesn’t even deserve to be on the team! You scored one measly touchdown and you think you’re an NFL star! You’re lucky I even let you play tonight!” Isaiah was livid and had every right to be.

“You know what?! Fuck this shit! I’m fucking gone!”, he said before storming off towards the locker room.

Kailah was both heartbroken and furious; not only with coach but with everyone else as well. Especially Jaylen and Brandi.

When she turned to go after him; Brandi called out to her, “Kai don’t even bother going after him! He’s just mad that my baby right here; is a better player than he’ll ever be.” She wanted to slap Brandi for saying something so cruel. But instead she decided to focus on Isaiah as she ran after him.

“Isaiah! Isaiah wait up! Wait for me!”, she called out to him just before he made to the tunnel.

When he turned around; she saw the anger, the frustration and especially the heartbreak blazing in his eyes. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. You didn’t deserve that.”, she told him.

“Apparently what I deserve doesn’t fucking matter! Because I’m not golden boy over there! I don’t even know why I bothered getting on the field in the first place. Nothing I fucking do is good enough! No matter what it is!”, he sneered.

She could hear the pain in his voice. He was hurt.

“You’re wrong. What you do does matter. Because it matters to me. You earned that game ball! Fair and square! You won that game! And it’s not fair that you got treated that way!”, she said to him with tears of fury starting to blur her eyes.

“You’re something else, you know that? You’re the only person that cares about me or how I feel.”, he told her as his voice faintly cracked.

“Look I’m gonna go; before I break something.”, he told her.

“Will I see you tomorrow night?”, she asked.

“Maybe. Because I’m not sure that I want to celebrate anything. Not after what just happened.”, he said to her before disappearing into the tunnel. She shook her head, angrily wiped her tears and took a deep breath.

That’s when Jaylen jogged up to her. “There you are! We’re going to Finn’s to celebrate. You coming?”

“No. I’m not in the mood to celebrate. I’m just gonna go home.”, she said to him. Jaylen knew something was wrong.

“What is it? What’s wrong? Why are you acting like this?”, he asked to her.

“You wanna know what’s wrong? Everything I just watched is what’s wrong! The way y’all were acting is what’s wrong!”, she snapped at him.

“That whole thing with the game ball? That’s why you’re upset?” He asks.

“Yes! If you must know. That’s exactly why I’m upset! Isaiah earned that ball! Fair and square! He won the game Jay! Not you! And instead of you telling coach that; you took that moment from him! And if isn’t bad enough; all of you stood there and let coach tear into him for protesting!”, she replies before turning away from him; to take a deep breath to calm her shaking from anger.

“Kai I don’t make the decisions! If that’s what coach decides; that what he’s decides. You know this.”, he tries to explain to her.

“That’s bullshit and you know it Jay! If that was any other player you would’ve made sure; that coach Pierce gave them that ball! No questions asked! But because it was Isaiah; you decided not to do that!”, she said to him. At this point; she even more upset than she was before.

“Kai—“, was all he managed to get out before she cut him off, “and another thing; the only other reason why you got that ball; is because Coach is extremely close to your dad! And we both know how your dad feels about Isaiah!”

Jaylen was stunned. He had never seen Kailah so upset before. Much less upset at him. “Look, I’m gonna go. Enjoy celebrating at Finn’s with everyone. I’ll see you tomorrow night.”, she says to him before she walks off.

Although Jaylen was her whole heart; she couldn’t stop thinking about Isaiah. She wanted to hold him but she wasn’t sure that she’d ever be able to. Not after that night.

@txemrn @lucy-268 @choicesficwriterscreations

Stay tuned for Part 2!

😘

K.

[always5hineee]

Hell and Back- Chapter 14: Fast and Furious (Trial 20)

Word count: 1817

Chapter warnings: Mild language and Dangerous actions

[Please do not replicate any of the behaviors read in this book.]

-----

       "Alright, so Lay's agreed to go next." Suho was talking to the group while Y/N and Chanyeol were in the bathroom. "We'll have Y/N do that next."

       "Speaking of Y/N, we've all had one, or both turns. She hasn't done any yet." Kyungsoo said with a worried look on his face.

       "Yeah, good point, she's skipping out." Kris accused. Shaking his head, the first man amended,

       "I didn't mean it like that. Moreso that I'm a little nervous- the challenges keep getting worse, I don't want her stuck doing the worst challenges."

       "She'll be fine," Baekhyun said, "Even if she doesn't have a power, the rest of us do."

       "You all act like having a power makes you better than me." She said from behind them, causing all of them to spin around in surprise. She and Chanyeol had returned, evidently more quietly than they had expected, as they hadn't even noticed the two walk up.

       "Chanyeol, your hair-" Sehun started to say, but Tao was more concerned with Y/N's comment.

       "Y/N, no one thinks that. We're just concerned for your safety-"

       "Yeah, because you think I'm less safe than you, because I don't have a power. It's not just about abilities, sometimes you have to rely on being smart. Or talented. Don't act like you're special just because you can burn things or pick up rocks with your mind."

       "Hypothetically that would make us better." Kris muttered under his breath, earning him an elbow to the side from Lay.

       "Ugh, whatever, let's just do the next challenge."

       "But-" Suho started.

       "Who's next?" She interrupted him, unwilling to talk about it anymore. She hadn't even given them a chance to ask Chanyeol about his hair- they'd probably figure it out.

       "Um, me." Lay said, raising a hand slightly.

       "What happened to having Luhan do it?"

       "His telekinesis is the limited power, so we figured it's better if, you know... someone with..."

       "Someone with powers did the challenge." She finished for him, still irritated. "Whatever, that's fine." She pressed his name, noting that it grayed out as soon as she did so. Now that she thought about it, Kai and Baekhyun's had been grayed out as well. Maybe the app knew when each person had taken their max number of turns. The trial loaded up, offering a new task for them to complete.

       "Drive 100mph on the freeway," she read out, "With everyone in the car." Continuing, she looked at the italicized text. "You must drive one hundred miles per hour, at least, on a major road (e.g. a road with a speed limit 65 or above and at least two lanes) for at least 120 seconds. If your speed drops below one hundred, your time will reset."

       "Shit." Lay breathed in. "That's pretty wild."

       "What does it matter? You have a license, you know how to drive." Chen pointed out.

       "Yeah, wait, didn't Jackie Chan teach you to drive?" Baekhyun laughed to himself, finding it hilarious.

       "That's not what I'm worried about." Lay snapped. "I just don't want to get ticketed. We're not allowed to tell the police about the trials, or else we're disqualified. And I'm not really interested in finding out exactly what the catch 'failure' means."

       "Most tickets are done by camera now, anyway." Xiumin reassured him.

       "And we're in Kris's car, so he'll get the ticket."

       "Oh hell no, I can't afford another ticket!" Kris groaned. "Go get your own car!"

       "We're wasting time if we do that," Baekhyun pointed out in a fake-nice tone. "It's easier since we just have yours."

       "We also can't all fit, though," Suho pointed out. "If we did happen to get stopped, we'd be in trouble, in more ways than one. Wouldn't getting arrested also breach the trial rules?"

       "At this point, we might as well just risk it." Sehun said. "That's why they're trials, right? They're not gonna be easy. The faster we get through this, the faster we can move on. Plus, it's only two minutes. How hard could it be?"

       Before they knew it, everyone was piled haphazardly into a continuously complaining Kris's car, Lay at the wheel adjusting the seat and the mirrors. Kris kept whining about this, but everyone basically ignored him. Everyone who was able buckled, sometimes two or three per belt. It wasn't exactly the most effective, but it was the best they could do. As Y/N moved to take a seat, she realized that it was basically full.

       "You can have my seat." Kai muttered, moving to get out of the car.

       "And where are you gonna sit, on top of me? You'll crush me." She hissed.

       "Oh... right." Awkwardly moving the belt, he said, "Just sit on my lap, it's only for a few minutes." She looked past him into the other seats, but her options weren't exactly fantastic. She could sit on the floor, and break her neck if they crashed, and out of the boys in the middle seat, he was the biggest. Finally, she relented, wiggling her way into the car as he shut the door behind her. The belt was just long enough to buckle the both of them into the same seat, pressing her downwards and constricting her breathing slightly.

       "Sorry." He mumbled again as Lay started up the car, pulling out to make his way towards the freeway. Breathing in deeply, Lay looked in the rearview mirror.

       "Alright, I guess we're doing this. Who's gonna keep time on the drive?"

       "I have it on the app." Y/N said. "I'll let you know when you're done." They drove down the street, boys whispering under their breath to each other. She briefly heard Kyungsoo once again trying to reassure Luhan about the trials. She was continually growing more and more worried about his adverse reactions to the trials. Of course, they weren't fun for any of them, but he seemed particularly unsettled.

       Suho calmly directed him as they made their way onto the interstate. He obviously hadn't driven in a hot minute, as it wasn't really integral to their daily activities. Honestly, Kris mostly drove, just because he preferred it. Still, that wasn't the trial, so it wasn't an option. He directed the driver to the left lane, explaining the plan.

       "It's the afternoon, so thankfully their direction shouldn't be backed up at all. Going out of the city will be crowded, but hopefully the trail will be done long before we turn around or end up on the other side of the city. Get up to 100 as fast as you can, there's no reason to sit at 80 or 90. Make sure you're safe above anything. We can have multiple shots at this."

       "Of course you would say that." Kris mumbled.

       "The road's clear, get started." Suho directed, leading Lay to slam his foot on the gas pedal. Lurching forward a bit, she tried to keep from looking out the window, simply staring at her screen and waiting for the timer to start. As soon as it did, she swallowed, notifying them,

       "Count is going, maintain at least this speed." The seconds ticked by agonizingly slowly, Kai bringing his chin up over her shoulder to try and see the phone. As they continued at the rate they were driving, Sehun shouted something about the RPM meter that she was too stressed to comprehend. Watching the timer, they passed the thirty second mark, the car began vibrating slightly more violently than usual. As Kris had expensive taste, they weren't worried about the car being able to handle it, but generally if you don't run a car at those speeds consistently, it can be a little stiff. Even so, Kris seemed less concerned about the car breaking, and more concerned that Lay was the first one to be able to drive it so fast.

       As they approached one minute, she was starting to calm down, almost forgetting what was going on. They were still progressing far slower than she could have ever imagined seconds to be, but they were progressing nonetheless. That was, until he slammed on the brakes. The car lurched forward, causing Y/N to hit her head on the back of the seat, kai quickly trying to maneuver to make sure she was okay. She watched as the time paused, then clicked back down to zero.

       "What the hell, man?" Kyungsoo growled.

       "I'm sorry! There's someone in front of me! I can't-"

       "Start again." He demanded. "And this time don't stop. We don't have leeway to deal with this." As the car in front of Lay pulled into the right lane, (too little too late), he was given the room he needed to start again. The timer started again - Thirty seconds came first. The shaking was less severe this time, serving her hypothesis on the car's workings. They passed one minute. One twenty. When they were about to reach a minute and a half, Lay began to make stuttering noises once again.

       "Uh, there's- two car's, I have to stop, I-"

       "Don't stop." Kyungsoo demanded from the back seat.

       "I don't have a choice! I can't rear end a-" Leaning over into the front, Baekhyun grabbed the wheel with one hand, jerking it to the left. The tires spilled over the edge onto the shoulder, crossing over the rumble strips and vibrating the entire vehicle. If not for Lay's quick adverse reaction, they would have smashed into the concrete wall. Missing the other car by mere inches to the right, they managed to pass, barely maintaining their hundred-mile speed.

       "What the fuck?!" Lay screamed, the whole car unsettled by the occurrence, Y/N practically covering her eyes aside from glancing down at the timer.

       "Two minutes!" She shouted suddenly. "That's two minutes! You can-" She hadn't even finished her sentence before Lay slammed on the brakes, pulling off into the shoulder, intentionally this time. As he pressed on the brakes once more, Kai anticipated her falling forward this time, grabbing her by the waist to make sure she didn't slide and hit her head. As soon as they had slowed to a stop, he put the vehicle in park, leaning back and breathing out heavily.

       "What is wrong with you?!" He asked Baekhyun in a loud shout. "That was fucked up!"

       "But we won!" He said with a smile, pointing at Y/N's phone.

       "We could have died!"

       "But we didn't!"

       "But we could have."

       "You could have healed us."

       "Not if I were dead."

       "Okay, then Tao could have reversed time."

       "Not if he were DEAD-"

       "Look, we're fine," Baekhyun held his hands up. "That's all that matters. Let's just keep moving and not think about this too much! Now you don't have any more personal challenges." Breathing in deeply, sweating slightly, Lay looked over.

       "Kris, you're driving us home."

Go to Chapter 15

[heauxplesslydevoted]

All I Have Is Memories (M!Raleigh x MC)

Summary: Raleigh isn’t handling the breakup well.

Word Count: 3.4K+ Honestly two thousand words longer than I originally anticipated. I have no self control.

A/N: My crybaby ass was in shambles writing it, so I hope you enjoy the fruits of my labor. All italicized parts are flashbacks, and my MC’s name is Cassandra Paige

Tag List: @x-kyne-x @paulfwesley @ramseyandrys @choicesobsessedd @a-i-n-a-a-s-h @furiouscloddonutpeanut @livedinawomansworld

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“So tell me again what I’m doing tonight,” Raleigh orders, putting on his sunglasses.

“Just a simple club appearance,” Raleigh’s manager Mason answers. “Luxe in Midtown is hosting a launch party for some model’s Ciroc collab. I think it’s one of the Hadids or some other nepotism model or another.”

“Ciroc?” Raleigh grimaces. “I don’t even like vodka, especially that cheap shit.”

“I don’t care what you do with the Ciroc. Drink it, pour it down the drain, use it to start a fire for all I care. It’s 75 thousand dollars for a few hours of your time and as much vodka your liver can handle, and you don’t even have to perform.”

Raleigh doesn’t give a reply. The rest of the car ride is filled with silence, for which Raleigh is grateful. He doesn’t want to talk, especially about work. He really wants to close his eyes and take a little cat nap.

He’s been on a run, doing pop up shows and club appearances almost every night for the past month and a half. Mason was loving it. Raleigh’s popularity had somehow skyrocketed even more after his “breakup” with Cassandra, and Mason Bentley was always one to strike while the iron was hot. And in the beginning, Raleigh didn’t mind either. He needed the distraction, he needed his mind to be on anything other than Cassandra freaking Paige.

He had been in multiple fake relationships. He knew they had a shelf life of 6 months at maximum before TPTB stepped in and put an end to everything, but he didn’t think it would happen with her. He thought she was different, he thought they were different.

What started out as something fake had quickly turned into something real. It was less paparazzi runs, and more kisses when the fans and cameras weren’t around, late night sleepovers, hookups in bathrooms and coat closets at big industry events, and tiny moments of intimacy such as hand holding, her tracing nonsensical patterns into his chest after sex, and staying up late at night, swapping childhood stories.

It’s been two months since their split, and it’s still as fresh as ever in his mind.

They’re sitting at an outside cafe not too far from Central Park, He’s eating a bagel and people watching when Cassandra finally speaks up.

“So we’ve been at this for a few months now.” she starts.  “And I think we’ve reached the end of the road with the fake relationship thing.”

Raleigh doesn’t say anything immediately. He honestly forgot the reason they were put together in the first place. He needed image rehab, and she needed publicity. “I think you and I stopped with the whole fake relationship thing a few months ago, Andy.”

“Yeah,” she agrees with a subtle nod.

She doesn’t speak again and Raleigh feels the hair on the back of his neck stand to attention. He sits up straighter and looks at Cassandra. He notes that she can’t look him in the eyes, opting to focus on her lap instead. “Cassandra, look at me. Just what are you trying to say?”

After a long while, she finally looks up at him. Her eyes are large and glossy, as if she’s on the verge of tears. “I think the real part of our relationship needs to come to an end too.”

In that moment it feels like all of the air has been pulled out of his lungs. Is he...being dumped?

“What?”

“If we’re ending things publicly, I think it’ll work out better if we severed everything,” Cassandra continues. “Things will be less messy.”

Raleigh’s jaw clenches. “Wow, did you just repeat verbatim some bullshit Fiona force fed you?”

“Raleigh-”

“What, I’m right, right? She’s putting you up to this?”

“Yes, but-”

“So don’t do it!”

“I’m not you, I can’t afford to blatantly disregard my manager and piss off the label. We can still be friends, but our arrangement snowballed into something different than what we intended.”

“But I don’t want to end this. I want you, I l-” He’s able to catch himself before he makes a bigger fool of himself, but it’s too late. They both know what he was about to say.

I love you.

Raleigh doesn’t have time to pivot and steer the conversation in a different direction because before he can open his mouth again, he spots a paparazzo taking pictures of them, barely hiding behind a bush. That’s when he gets angry. “Is that why we’re here? Why we’ve been in Central Park all fucking day, so these vultures can get a piece of the pie?”

He knows that this is how these types of things work. Things have to end with a bang, not a fizzle, but he doesn’t give a fuck. That was before. Before he actually gave a damn about the other person, before he actually felt something.

He composes himself though, closing his eyes. He isn’t going to give the tabloids the satisfaction of getting raw footage of Raleigh Carrera having a complete meltdown in public. “I thought you were different, you know. I thought you weren’t like the rest of these fake industry people.”

“I’m not!” Cassandra argues.

“I thought we had something real.”

“We do, we did. But I can’t just-”

“Whatever,” Raleigh interjects. He stands abruptly. “And for the record, no we can absolutely not still be friends after this.”

Raleigh is thankfully pulled out of his thoughts before he has to relive any more of that tragic day. He hates thinking about it, he hates being that vulnerable.

The limo he’s riding in comes to a screeching halt in front of Luxe, and he hops out, Mason not too far behind. They’ve gone all out for this party. Red carpet, tons of celebrities (though he’s clearly the biggest name there), and lots of press. Paparazzi is yelling, calling out his name, reporters are practically shoving each other in order to get closer to him, hoping to be the lucky SOB that gets to interview him.

Mason points Raleigh in the direction of a reporter from Charttopper. Raleigh plasters on his best industry smile and heads over.

“Raleigh, hi. Janet Carmichael from Charttopper News, thank you stopping to chat!”

“Oh, thank you for having me, Janet.”

“Can I just say that you are killing it right now!”

“Thank you.”

“Seriously, I mean. The start of your victory lap was your latest single, a sultry collab with fellow R&B crooner Bryson Tiller called Wrong. It’s been out for three weeks and it’s already gone platinum. How does it feel?”

“It feels great,” Raleigh says. “I’ve been in this industry since I was a kid, I’m just glad the people still enjoy my work.”

“That’s a complete understatement, we more than love it.”

“I’m glad.”

“Now tell me, the song is about a man expressing some angst and guilt over a relationship gone wrong.” Raleigh tenses. He already knows where this lady is going to go with her line of questioning. “You recently went through a breakup, with up and coming pop sensation, Cassandra Paige.”

“Yeah.”

“Was she the inspiration behind the ballad?”

“No,” Raleigh replies. “I had been working on that song long before Andy and I broke up.”

And that’s the truth. The song had been in the making for months. In fact, Cassandra sat in on a few of his sessions.

“You want to have a fake snowball fight with all of these pieces of paper,” Raleigh suggests, tossing a crumpled piece at Cassandra. She quickly bats it away before it can hit her forehead.

“You’re supposed to be writing, mister,” Cassandra teases with an eye roll.

“But I have writer's block.” The two of them have been locked up in the studio for hours, crumpled pieces of paper strewn about, Raleigh’s guitar haphazardly dangling from the back of a chair. He had sent the rest of his team—sound engineer, mixers, and producer—away a long time ago. “Nothing sounds right, and the label is being annoying, pressuring me. Raleigh Carrera doesn’t do well under pressure. Raleigh Carrera needs time and space.”

“You are such a dork.”

“Just don’t tell anyone,” Raleigh shoots back with a smirk.

“Your secret is safe with me.” Cassandra sits back on the comfortable sleeper sectional that takes up a lot of the studio space. “Come here, come sit with me.”

“Andy”

“I’m not taking no for an answer. Come sit.”

Raleigh obliges and sits next to Cassandra. She pulls him back further so his back is on her chest and she nuzzles her face into his neck, wrapping her arms around his broad shoulders.

“What are we doing?” Raleigh asks.

“I’m hugging you,” Cassandra says simply. “Hugging is good for you, it lowers anxiety and stress levels. You were on the verge of spiraling.”

“You know how it is, releasing a buzz single to get hype for an album. They want something deep, something sad. Something that’ll make Toni Braxton’s music look cheery.”

“Yikes. Why so glum?”

“It’s a niche market that’s currently untapped. People miss the heartbreak of 90s R&B. The crying, the begging, the dramatic music videos. They need me to fill that void. They’re all but demanding it. I don’t work well with demands.”

“I know it’s easier said than done, but you need to relax.” Raleigh snorts at the suggestion. “I’m serious. Music can not be forced, it has to be felt. It has to flow.”

“Sometimes I wish I didn’t write my own music. It’d be easier to have someone else do it and then head straight to the booth.”

“Let’s see if I can help you. Tell me what comes to mind when I say these words. Heartbreak?”

“Crush.”

“Loss?”

“Gain.”

“Pain?”

“Hurt.” 

“Okay, so give me some bars,” Cassandra demands.

“What?”

“You heard me. Don’t think about it, just go. Start singing.”

“I can’t just—” Cassandra cuts Raleigh off by flicking his ear. “Hey! What was that for?”

Cassandra flicks his ear again. “You better get to singin’!”

Raleigh ponders the words. “I gave you my heart, all you did was give me pain. You played me like a fool, look at this mess you’ve made. I’m stuck with all of the memories, heartbreak’s my only gain. Caught in your web of love, I feel so ashamed.”

Cassandra smiles. “Look at you!”

“It still needs some fine tuning.”

“Yeah, but it sounds like you’re on your way to a bridge. It’s more than you had 10 minutes ago.”

“How are you so optimistic all the time?”

“I just am.”

Raleigh bends down to kiss Cassandra’s arm. “Thank you.”

“No problem.”

He turns around and lifts himself up so he’s hovering over Cassandra. “I feel like I should repay you in some way.”

“Mmmm, I’m pretty sure you can think of something,” Cassandra runs her hands through Raleigh’s hair. “I accept payment in the form of kisses.”

“You drive a hard bargain, Miss Paige, but I think I can manage.” Cassandra tilts her head up and presses her lips against his in a soft kiss that he instantly heats up. 

Raleigh manages to flip them around so Cassandra is straddling him without breaking the kiss. If he wasn’t so wrapped up in what he was doing, he’d boast about it, but he’s too focused on the task at hand. His hands dig into the soft flesh of her thighs and he’s sure there will be marks there come morning time. Good. He wants her marked as his

He sits up, his back against the arm of the couch, pulling Cassandra in closer to him. His lips travel, planting kisses on her neck and collarbone, leaving goosebumps in their wake. His hands find the hem on the shirt she’s wearing and he tugs it up, yanking it off of her body. His hands roam her skin appreciatively. She’s soft, so soft it should be illegal. It was unfair for one person to be so perfect.

“Sh-shouldn’t we be working on your song?”

Raleigh quickly finds the class of her bra and he unhooks it expertly. “The song can wait, I have better things to do.”

“Aw, you have a nickname for her,” Janet coos. 

“Huh?”

“Cassandra. You call her Andy.”

Raleigh mentally curses himself for letting it slip out. Everyone else refers to the singer as Cassandra or Cassie, but not him. She was his Andy. She’d joke that if she was Andy, he was her Woody. He’s mad at himself for exposing their private, intimate thing to the world. He just shrugs it off. “Oh. Yeah.”

“Speaking of Cassandra, have you spoken to her since the breakup?”

“No, I haven’t seen her, I haven’t spoken to her. But she’s killing it out here, and I’ll always be supportive of her and her career. Always.”

Raleigh can tell it wasn’t the soundbite she was expecting, and he has to hold back his smirk. He’d never trash her publicly, despite the messy media outlets and overzealous fans stoking the flames.

“Well thank you so much for stopping to talk to me. Enjoy the party!”

Raleigh doesn’t even respond. He just shuffles through the throngs of people until he’s inside the club. It’s packed and he can barely hear himself think. Before he can register what’s going on, someone is ushering him into a secluded VIP area, and handing him a drink, which he happily accepts.

A few hours go by, and Raleigh has never been more grateful for the passage of time. He’s no longer contractually obligated to be there and he can finally leave. All night long people are coming up to him left and right, posing for pictures, offering to get him food and drinks.

And the women are relentless with their flirting. Everyone wants a piece of him, and they make no qualms about it. Between the half naked bottle girls constantly circling the section and the fellow VIP party goers clinging onto him in hopes that they’ll be the lucky girl that he takes home, it’s overwhelming. 

He never thought the day would come where he’s actually tired of clubbing, but it’s here. He’d rather be anywhere else. The only bright spot was the alcohol.

He stumbles into his Tribeca apartment a little after 1AM. He doesn’t even bother changing his clothes, he just collapses face first into his comforter.

His phone starts buzzing in his pocket and he groans. After pulling it out, he sees it’s just a Google Alert for an article about him. 

‘Exclusive: Raleigh Carrera Opens Up About Singer Ex-Girlfriend for First Time Since Split!’

Underneath the title of the article is a picture of him and Cassandra together. She’s sitting on his lap and he’s whispering in her ear. Her head is thrown back and she’s laughing hysterically at whatever he’s saying. He can’t remember. The important thing is that he made her laugh.

Seeing that picture of them makes his heart thud wildly in his chest. He’d done a good job of blocking her out, for the most part. Skipping her songs on playlists because he wasn’t ready to hear her voice again, muting all of her social media account but never unfollowing or blocking her. He’s caught in a weird limbo of not wanting to see her and not wanting to let her go.

Before his heart or brain can object, his fingers are dialing her number. He knows the 10 digit sequence by heart.

After a few rings, the line in picked up. “Hello?”

“Cassandra?”

“Raleigh?” Her voice is deep, and Raleigh can surmise that she was asleep when he called.

“I’m sorry, did I wake you up? I didn’t even trip off of the time.”

“I was just up. I was catching up on all of the recorded shows taking up space on my DVR and I must’ve dozed.”

“If you were sleeping, don’t let me hold you up.”

“Is everything okay?”

What a loaded question.

“I don’t know, I just wanted to hear your voice.”

“What was streaming my songs not good enough?” He can tell that she’s teasing, her tone light.

“Nothing is better than the real deal, baby.”

“Well, since I’m on the phone, we might as well talk. How have you been? I heard your new single. It’s the one—”

“The one you forced me to start?” Raleigh finishes with a smirk. “Yeah.”

“I think I deserve a writing credit. I played a pivotal role in that song’s conception.”

“I’ll have my people call your people.”

“But seriously, you’ve been working like crazy. Good for you.”

“I hate it,” Raleigh confesses quietly. “I’m exhausted, completely burnt out. It feels like I’m running a race, but the finish line keeps getting pushed back. Or like I’m a hamster on a wheel.”

“Why don’t you stop?”

“Because I’m running from you.”

“Me?”

“I needed to stay busy. I needed to have always have something to look towards, because if I’d stop, I’d think of you. And I’d break.”

The line goes silent for a long time and Raleigh gets nervous. Did he say too much?

“So, what made you decide to call?”

“Because you’re all I can think about. You’ve consumed my thoughts all day, good, bad and in between. I was at the hottest event of the week and all I wanted to do was be with you. I wanted to be at your apartment, curled up in your blankets, binge watching It’s Always Sunny reruns.” Raleigh feels a lump form in his throat and he awkwardly coughs. “And how I wanted to smell the perfume of yours that I’m so obsessed with. And run my fingers through your pink hair. And you’d correct me and say it’s not pink, it’s rose gold, and I’d call it pink again just to annoy you.”

“It’s kinda sad. My latest single has received critical acclaim, it’s already certified, I’m getting early Grammy buzz. I just bought my parents the house of their dreams in San Juan, I made $75 thousand dollars tonight for a stupid appearance. Hell, I’m calling you from my multi-million dollar Tribeca condo, and I should be ecstatic. Raleigh Carrera is on top of the fucking world right now, and I hate to sound ungrateful, but I can’t bring myself to feel joy about any of it. I feel like my insides aren’t connected to my outsides, and my insides are just hollow. This celebrity shit is draining me. The appearances, the interviews, the fake relationships and feuds, all of it. Like I said before, I’m tired. And I just...really fucking miss you, Andy. You were the only real thing I had in this crowd of bullshit, the only person I cared about out here. I’m sorry for rambling, I’m kind of tipsy right now.”

“Oh god, are you going to wake up tomorrow and regret this entire conversation?”

“Of course not,” he says earnestly. “A drunk mind speaks sober thoughts, and all that jazz.”

“This hasn’t been the easiest for me either,” Cassandra admits, her voice shaking slightly. Raleigh frowns at the thought of her crying on the other end of the phone. “I really miss you too.”

“I’m glad I’m not the only one struggling.” And he means it. Knowing she felt even slightly similar to him made all the difference.

“Not in the slightest.”

“So what do we do? Are we going to be slaves to our shitty contracts for the rest of our lives?” Raleigh asks rhetorically.

“I don’t know.”

“Yeah, I don’t know either.”

They sit in silence for a long time, not knowing what to say, but not wanting to the conversation to end either. They just listen to the sound of each other’s deep breathing.

“Hey, Cassandra?”

“Yes?”

“I’m really sleepy.”

Raleigh hears her giggle on the other line and his stomach flips. God, he’s missed that sound. “Go to sleep, superstar. It’s really late.”

“No,” he says stubbornly. “I want to keep hearing your voice. Stay on until I fall asleep.”

“And talk about what?”

“I don’t care. Whatever you want to talk about.”

Cassandra humors his request and launches into a mini rant about a fitting for some award show she’s scheduled to present at. She and Zadie aren’t seeing eye to eye on what she should wear at all, and they were in a stalemate.

He tries to keep up with her, interjecting with commentary and now and again, but after a few minutes, he stops responding all together.

“Raleigh?” She prods. “Raleigh are you sleeping?” He doesn’t say anything but she hears him breathing softly on the other line. He’s out like a light. “I love you too, Raleigh.”

And with that, she hangs up.

[wordssometimesfail]

Textual Reddie & Queer!Eddie: A Masterpost

So I’ve been planning on doing something like this for a while, but it had fallen to the wayside until @skinks​ and I started talking about Reddie again, and my weak little heart was rekindled.  

Speaking of reKINDLEd (ehh? Ehhhhh?), my Kindle copy of IT is full of highlighted textual support of unresolved Reddie feelings, and a queer reading of Eddie specifically. And lo, a disjointed essay-type meta was birthed. This fucker’s about to get long, so if you’re interested, dive on under the cut – but be forewarned, there are massive spoilers for the book and (probably) Chapter 2 below!

(Seriously, cannot emphasize the MASSIVE SPOILERS enough. If you don’t know what happens and you don’t want to be spoiled, don’t read this.) 

As a very general disclaimer, I am not going to be including everything that I highlighted. There is a fuckton, including a lot of small moments of Richie and Eddie interacting that don’t showcase anything other than their closeness. I’ll be paring it down here to moments that prove a larger theme, and some standout cuteness. With that said, IT is a 1,300-page behemoth, and it’s definitely possible that I skipped over something. If you know of anything significant that I missed, feel free to reblog with additions.

Note: I will be using terrible, half-assed MLA citations for this. Pagination is from my Kindle copy of the novel. All quotes will be italicized to help differentiate them visually from my points (if something was italicized in the original text, it’ll be unitalicized here). Unless otherwise stated, all bolded emphasis is mine. “--” will be used in place of em-dashes, “/” will be used to denote paragraph breaks.  

PART I – ASTHMA

“When Eddie’s nervous he reaches for his aspirator.” (King 372)

It doesn’t get much more explicit than this. We’re told in no uncertain terms that Eddie’s psychosomatic asthma is rooted in nervousness, in things that make him scared and uncomfortable. The trigger for this particular explanation is being overwhelmed by the age and significance of Boston, but in an earlier scene:  

“These shoes no longer looked just right... but he supposed they would do for where he was going. And for whatever he might have to do when he got there. Maybe Richie Tozier would-- / But then the blackness threatened and he felt his throat beginning to close up.” (King 112)  

This is Eddie’s first on-page asthma attack. It hits him the first time we see him as an adult, having just received his call from Mike to return to Derry. And yet it’s the thought of Richie, not It or Derry, that makes Eddie nervous enough to need his aspirator. Notably, the thought goes unfinished. We don’t know, nor do we ever find out in explicit terms, what Eddie thought Richie Tozier would.  

Of course, asthma is the most prominent symptom of Eddie’s hypochondria, so the attacks crop up often in the text. The most interesting of these attacks for our purposes (other than Eddie becoming nervous at the thought of Richie) is the following:  

“‘The first of the ‘new murders’ [...] began on the Main Street Bridge and ended underneath it. The victim was a gay and rather childlike man named Adrian Mellon. He had a bad case of asthma.’ / Eddie’s hand stole out and touched the side of his aspirator.” (King 646)

Mike (speaking) tells the gang about the death of Adrian Mellon, and takes care to note three things about him: he was gay, he was childlike, and he had asthma. The connection between Eddie and Adrian is drawn quickly and obviously as Eddie reaches for his aspirator, seemingly out of reflex - but what we can also infer here is that this is making Eddie nervous. He could be nervous because a man with asthma was just killed by It, and he, too, is a man with asthma. He could also be nervous because the parallel that Mike and the prose have none-too-subtly drawn between Eddie and Adrian implies that they have more in common than a respiratory problem. But what?

PART II – EDDIE/ADRIAN

“[The other Losers] are being called--I know that much. Each murder in this new cycle has been a call.” (King 1116)

Mike writes this in the fourth interlude, referring to the way that It’s murders 27 years later all seem to be calling out to the Losers’ Club. By drawing a parallel between Eddie and Adrian through their asthma, King leads us to believe that Adrian’s murder specifically called to Eddie. He also leads us to consider how else they might be linked.

Adrian is virtually Eddie’s opposite. He’s out and proud and in a loving, unstrained relationship. He flirts openly with other men, teases his aggressors, and, to contrast with the neurotic and nervous Eddie:  

“‘He didn’t have much in the way of protective coloration. He was one of those fools who think things really are going to turn out all right.’” (King 27)  

His openness, however, is what gets him killed. While being harassed by some homophobes, Adrian teases and antagonizes them, and the next time they see him they assault him and unwittingly gift him, half-dead, to Pennywise.  

It especially kills me that Adrian’s asthma is not significantly mentioned in his chapter. He makes a comment to his boyfriend that the “air’s better” (King 36) in Derry, which could imply that he has had less problems since he moved there, but the word “asthma” is never used. It’s not relevant to his story, and it’s not brought up until King has to draw a parallel between Adrian and Eddie. Because it’s not relevant to Adrian’s story, the connection that King draws between them feels almost half-assed and weak, until one considers their contrasting personalities and contrasting happinesses in their respective relationships. Along that same line of thinking, the implications of having Eddie directly paralleled by a gay man killed for being gay cast a suspicious light on Eddie’s presumed straightness.  

If we accept that Eddie and Adrian are linked, that Adrian’s murder was a specific call to Eddie, then it goes without saying that there is a strong implication here that Eddie is closeted. He is being contrasted with an out gay man who fears no consequence for being out in a small, violent, hateful town. Eddie’s neuroses and fixation on his psychosomatic asthma are contrasted with a man who hadn’t a care in the world - not even his (presumably) real physical condition. The fear and self-hate that dogged Eddie his whole life never bothered Adrian Mellon, until it killed him.  

If we accept that Eddie and Adrian are linked, and what that implies, then we can infer that Adrian is what Eddie could have been, were he happy, open, and out - and what happens to Adrian is the exact kind of thing that may have kept poor, terrified Eddie in the closet.  

PART III – SEX, QUEERNESS, AND SELF-LOATHING

So, I think we all remember the leper scene--creepy in the 2017 movie, even creepier in the novel. One notable book-only detail is that the leper “[offers] to give Eddie a blowjob for a quarter” (King 400) in addition to chasing him around and being generally disgusting.  

“Come back here, kid, the hoarse voice whispered. I’ll blow you for free. Come back here! / No, Eddie moaned at it. Please, go away, I don’t want to think about that.” (King 394)

Eddie is immediately terrified by the mere thought of getting a blowjob, of being touched by someone diseased, of being touched by a man. He doesn’t even want to think about it... and then the question becomes, does he not want to think about sex with the leper, or sex at all? Regardless, it seems pretty normal for an eleven-year-old boy to be scared of a blowjob from a strange adult with open sores on his face. But there is, of course, more to unpack here.  

Another difference between book and film comes when Eddie recounts the tale to Richie and Bill...:

“‘He didn’t have leprosy, you dummy,’ Richie said. “He had [syphilis].’ / […] / ‘It’s a disease you get from fucking,’ Richie said. ‘You know about fucking, don’t you, Eds?’ / ‘Sure,’ Eddie said. He hoped he wasn’t blushing.” (King 400)

All of a sudden Eddie isn’t just afraid of disease, but of a sexually transmitted disease. Pennywise’s angle on Eddie is a big fuck-off combo of decay and sex--specifically gay sex. Not only is the “leper” a man offering him sexual favours, but Bill is quick to point out that men can get syphilis from “another g-g-guy if they’re kwuh-kwuh-queer" (King 402). Queerness and gay sex are therefore lumped in with Eddie’s fear of the “leper” from word go.  

Since he’s a pre-pubescent child (in that same scene, Eddie recalls trying to masturbate and nothing happening), Eddie’s disinterest in and general apprehension towards sex makes sense without bringing the element of internalized homophobia into the mix. But this is my post, I can do what I want, and Stephen King already brought it into the mix for me.  

Eddie is frightened by the thought of queer sex at another notable point in the novel as well, when he recalls a vignette from his and the Losers’ past:  

“Patrick Hockstetter was down [in the Barrens]. Before It took him Beverly saw him doing something bad. It made her laugh but she knew it was bad. Something to do with Henry Bowers, wasn’t it? Yes, I think so. And-- / [Eddie] turned away suddenly and started back toward the abandoned depot, not wanting to look down into the Barrens anymore, not liking the thoughts they conjured up. He wanted to be home with Myra.” (King 720)

Myra, for those who haven’t read the novel, is Eddie’s wife. If you’re one of those people (or even if you haven’t read it in a while), you might also be wondering what exactly Patrick Hockstetter did to Henry Bowers in the Barrens that made Eddie balk and suddenly crave his wife’s company. Well, my friends, Patrick tried to give Henry Bowers a blowjob. Eddie has to turn away from the mere thought of two men (well, boys) engaging in a sex act. He has to return to his wife, the implication here being that she is there to shield him from queerness, from queer sex.  

And the scene between Patrick and Henry, which we do see later from Bev’s point of view, is extremely telling as to why Eddie has to turn away. Henry gets violent and angry when Patrick propositions him, just like Adrian Mellon’s assailants got violent and angry, just like Eddie’s own mother gets defensive and cruel at the thought of a pair of (unconfirmed) gay men in their town with a nicer house than hers:  

“‘Any two men who bother keeping a house so nice must be queers,’ Eddie’s mother had once said in a disgruntled sort of way, and Eddie hadn’t dared ask for clarification.” (King 712)  

Eddie here is afraid to even question the root of his mother’s assumptions, or the very fact of her prejudice. Questioning, experimentation, being openly anything other than straight in Derry only earns you bile and violence from the rest of the town, and Eddie knows this. Why would anyone come out? How could they? Isn’t it better to just turn away and leave the thought unfinished?  

And it is explicit that Eddie feels somehow wrong and incomplete, in addition to his general aversion to all things queer and sexual. At one point, compounding himself and the homeless “leper”, Eddie has an internal monologue that ends as follows:  

“I got me a disease that’s eating me up. My skin’s cracking open, my teeth are falling out, and you know what? I can feel myself turning bad like an apple that’s going soft. I can feel it happening, eating from the inside to the out, eating, eating, eating me.” (King 405)

By conflating himself with the “leper”, Eddie makes the disease his own. He makes his fear of the “leper” falling apart a fear he has about himself. He fears something within himself, something rotten, turning him “bad” - bad like offering a blowjob to Henry Bowers in the Barrens. It’s a literal fear of disease, to be sure, but that sense of being rotten to the core, being bad on the inside in a way you cannot change, also feels like an apt metaphor for internalized homophobia in light of the subtextual queerness of the rest of Eddie’s fear. And especially in light of another scene in which he feels inferior, rotten, wrong:

“Simply reaching for the cubes of bread [at communion] became an act which required courage, and he always feared an electrical shock... or worse, that the bread would suddenly change color in his hand, become a blood-clot, and a disembodied Voice would begin to thunder in the church: Not worthy! Not worthy! Damned to Hell! Damned to Hell!” (King 1247)  

We will absolutely come back to the fact that Eddie uses Voice with a capital V, but for now let’s focus on the rest of the scene. Eddie’s fear of being damned and unworthy is rooted in a story his Sunday School teacher told him, about a boy who blasphemed. Even as a small child, he has anxiety about his existence or behaviour cursing him – making him diseased, or turning bread into blood. And, of course, for the purposes of this reading, we can’t ignore the fact that queerness and American Christianity don’t typically go hand-in-hand. This compounded with the suggestion that he is rotten from the inside out suggests that Eddie has some reason to think he has blasphemed – and his persistent association with queerness suggests that this reason may be the knowledge or suspicion that he isn’t straight.  

Eddie’s worries even follow him into adulthood:  

“Get off it, Eds, Richie’s voice seemed to whisper. You ain’t solid at all […].” (King 715)

I included this quote because it reinforces my point about Eddie not feeling whole or right within himself. It’s not quite time for the Reddie part of this meta, but I would be remiss if I didn’t point out that Richie is nowhere in this scene and has absolutely nothing to do with it, and still it’s his voice that voices Eddie’s subconscious fears about not being “solid”. Again, I will be going into this in more detail later. First, there’s one more element of this queer reading of Eddie that needs to be tackled.  

PART IV – THIS ONE QUOTE GETS TO BE ITS OWN PART BECAUSE MY GOD

Most of you are probably familiar with Anthony Perkins, even if you don’t know you are – if you’ve ever been exposed to Psycho, either by watching it or through pop-cultural osmosis, you'll know him as Norman Bates. You also may or may not know that he was famously closeted. He reportedly only had relationships with men until he met and married Berinthia Berenson in his early 40s, and never came out during his lifetime. (Obviously one’s sexual history doesn’t necessarily determine one’s sexuality, but most sources I can find suggest that he was gay, not bisexual.)

Now, if you read Eddie Kaspbrak as gay, this may sound somewhat familiar. Married a woman, never came out, horror icon, it’s all there. But why do I bring it up? Well, because of this:  

“Eddie--it was weird but true--had grown up to look quite a little bit like Anthony Perkins.” (King 628)

On its own, it’s a seemingly innocuous, if oddly specific, pop-cultural reference. Nothing to write home about. Compounded with everything else we know about Eddie, and everything else I’ve covered above? It’s telling as balls. King could have simply described Eddie, as he does immediately after this line, but he takes the time to compare a character repeatedly associated with queerness and sexual repression to a closeted gay man who eventually married a woman.  

(Note: admittedly, IT would’ve been written in the early-mid 80s, at which point Perkins was not officially known to be gay, but according to my father there were plenty of rumours. He was, additionally, known as a repressed, shy “mama’s boy” who was made nervous by female attention. Sound like anyone else we know?)  

PART V – REDDIE

And now for the main event.  

If I unpack every individual piece of Reddie goodness to the degree that I’ve unpacked Eddie himself, we’ll be here for another 2,500 words. So, I’m only going to hit three major points:  

PART VA – CLOSENESS

Richie is all over Eddie. He frequently pinches Eddie’s cheeks, calls him cute, and is all-around physically and verbally affectionate with him. Some notable examples:  

“Richie […] pinched Eddie’s cheek. / ‘Don’t do that! I hate it when you do that, Richie.’ / ‘Ah, you love it, Eds,’ Richie said, and beamed at him.” (King 384-85)

This is their first on-page interaction, mind you. This moment sets the stage for the rest of their relationship.

“Richie jumped to his feet a second time and pinched Eddie’s cheek. ‘Cute, cute, cute!’ Richie exclaimed.” (King 390)  

“‘[My aunts] all pinch my cheek and tell me how much I’ve grown,’ Eddie said. / ‘That’s cause they know how cute you are, Eds--just like me. I saw what a cutie you were the first time I met you.’” (King 446-47)  

Listen. Do you think I’ll ever get over this? Do you think I can move on, knowing that this exists? Richie teases everyone, but he only ever uses “cute” for Eddie.  

“‘Take it easy, Eds,’ Richie soothed, and leaned toward him. / ‘Don’t call me Eds and don’t you dare pinch my cheek!’ [Eddie] cried, rounding on Richie. ‘You know I hate that! I always hated it!’ / Richie recoiled, blinking.” (King 668)

This scene takes place when they’re adults, and I love it for a number of reasons – the easy return to form for both of them, Richie genuinely trying to comfort Eddie, and Richie’s surprise at being snapped at. My heart goes out to the man. 

“‘I hate it when you call me Eds.’ / ‘I know,’ Richie said, hugging him tightly, ‘but somebody has to toughen you up, Eds. When you stop leading the sheltered igs-zistence of a child and grow up, you gonna, Ah say, Ah say you gonna find out life ain’t always this easy, boy!’ / Eddie began to shriek with laughter.” (King 1334)

There are quite a few scenes where they make each other laugh, but this one is my personal favourite.  

And the cherry on top:  

“[Richie] slapped Eddie’s can.” (King 1322)  

The context of this is less than shippy (they’re squeezing through a tight passageway, Richie is behind Eddie and needs him to move forward), but there are few ships that can say that party A has canonically smacked party B’s ass, and I think we should appreciate that more as a fandom.  

There’s also a strong element of protectiveness – Richie is very protective of Eddie in a way that Eddie’s mother isn’t. He genuinely pays attention to Eddie’s needs and tries to do right by him:  

“It was Richie and Bev who went to Eddie. […] Richie dug his aspirator out of his pocket. ‘Bite on this, Eddie,’ he said, and Eddie took a hitching, gasping breath as Richie pulled the trigger.” (King 903)  

“Richie heard Eddie cough twice […] and then fall silent again. He shouldn’t be down here, he thought […].” (King 968)  

“...Eddie [agreed to follow Bill into the sewers] last. / ‘I don’t think so, Eddie,’ Richie said. ‘Your arm’s not, you know, looking too cool.’” (King 1251)  

“Richie turned Bill toward him, looked at him as you would look at a man who is hopelessly raving. ‘Bill, we have to take care of Eddie. We have to get a tourniquet on him, get him out of here.’” (King 1396)

Hey fun fact? Fun fucking fact, Eddie’s already dead in this scene and Richie knows that.  

On a cheerier note, and to add one last dimension to Eddie and Richie’s closeness, Richie is the only person with whom we see Eddie intentionally swapping spit/germs (outside of ritualistic bloodletting). Not only does Richie use Eddie’s aspirator at one point, but there’s also this scene:  

“‘I can carry [the Parcheesi board],’ Eddie said, a little out of breath. ‘How about a lick on your Rocket?’ / ‘Your mom wouldn’t approve, Eddie,’ Richie said sadly. […] ‘[…] Ah say you kin get germs eatin after someone else!’ / ‘I’ll chance it,’ Eddie said. / Reluctantly, Richie held his Rocket up to Eddie’s mouth... and snatched it away quickly as soon as Eddie had gotten in a couple of moderately serious licks.” (King 1243)  

The obvious humour of this scene aside (poor Richie, having to share), the fact that hypochondriac Mama’s boy Eddie doesn’t mind Richie’s germs in particular is both sweet and interesting. The imagery here, of Eddie licking Richie’s Rocket despite his mother’s disapproval (compounded with the pre-established association between Eddie and blowjobs) is just... interesting, to say the least. As is the fact that I totally stole this scene and reversed the roles for the sake of a fic that I would like to pimp as a reward for making it this far into this monstrosity. It has a happy ending, don’t worry. 

What does all of this put together signify? Richie and Eddie are close. They clearly love each other as friends, and the almost flirtatious touching, cute-calling, teasing, protectiveness, and Rocket-licking can also all signify the beginnings of something else as well. If nothing else, it’s fun, sweet fic fodder.  

PART VB – THE VOICE (WITH A CAPITAL V)

This is one of my favourite details. Eddie thinks of all the Losers from time to time, but Richie is straight-up one of the voices in his head. Richie refers to his impressions and characters as Voices with a capital V, and Very often, Eddie will think in them. He’ll hear jokes in them, Pennywise will taunt him with them, he’ll hear the very criticism and hate that he fears hurled back at him in Voices. Right from the start:  

“‘Had any good chucks lately, Eds?’ [Eddie] says out loud, and laughs again.” (King 374)  

As he drives to Derry, Eddie is already laughing and delighting in the thought of his friends (specifically Bill and Richie) and the way they used to be. Later in the same scene:  

“‘Sure, kid, EV-ery day,’ he says in a Richie Tozier Voice, and laughs again.” (King 376)  

King quickly establishes that Richie’s Voices are a source of joy for Eddie, and that Richie himself is one of the Losers that Eddie is most looking forward to seeing. Indeed, in several scenes (including one of the ones quoted above), we see Eddie laughing at or with Richie when he does his Voices, both in the present and the past. But Eddie’s love of the Voices gets twisted by his own subconscious fears – I mentioned earlier that it is a Voice with a capital V that tells Eddie that he’s damned to Hell during his imaginary blood-communion. And it’s Richie’s voice that reminds Eddie that he’s not “solid”, to cap off a scene where he literally runs away from thoughts of queerness and sex. Eddie’s fear of himself becomes conflated with the Voices in a way that suggests his fear is of Richie, of Richie’s hatred, contempt, and dismissal. He is afraid that Richie sees him as unworthy, damned, unsolid. He is afraid that Richie sees the thing that’s eating him from the inside out.  

Eddie wants to be home with Myra. It’s easier to keep Richie and his Voices in his head than to risk what they would (--) do if they saw all of Eddie clearly.  

PART VC – EDS & EDDIE’S DEATH

Yes, we all know and love “Eds”. We love Richie being a little shit, we love Eddie being his tsundere self, and we love that Eddie canonically has a soft spot for the nickname:  

“Man, he had hated it when Richie called him Eds... but he had sort of liked it, too.” (King 374)

We also love (or hate) that “Eds” factors into Eddie and Richie’s final exchange in the novel:  

“But there was something else [Eddie] had to say [before he died]. / ‘Richie,’ he whispered. / ‘What?’ Richie was down on his hands and knees, staring at him desperately. / ‘Don’t call me Eds,’ he said, and smiled. He raised his left hand slowly and touched Richie’s cheek. Richie was crying. ‘You know I... I...’ Eddie closed his eyes, thinking how to finish, and while he was still thinking it over he died.” (King 1386)  

(A.k.a. the scene that nearly made me throw my Kindle across the room.)  

This ties into a broader theme with Eddie that I only began noticing when I started compiling my notes for this meta – his thoughts, when connected to other men, queerness, or sex, often go unfinished. He cuts them off before they stray somewhere that makes him nervous (the thought of Richie giving him an asthma attack), before they stray anywhere at all (the memory of Patrick and Henry making him yearn for Myra, not wanting to think about blowjobs), or before they even become thoughts (not daring to question his mother’s homophobic comments). And here, when he has to say one thing before he dies, when he’s finally allowing himself to conclude a sentimental, intimate thought that he doesn’t even know how to word... he’s cut off one last time.  

And we don’t know what he was going to say. We can speculate, we can infer, but we don’t know, just as we will never know what “Richie Tozier would”.  

Richie Tozier seems to know, though. When he realizes they’ll have to leave Eddie’s body behind, he kisses Eddie’s cheek (just as Eddie touched his in his final moments, and in contrast to the way he used to pinch them) and...:  

“Richie got up and turned toward the door. ‘Fuck you, Bitch!’ he cried suddenly, and kicked the door shut with his foot. It made a solid chukking sound as it closed and latched. / ‘Why’d you do that?’ Beverly asked. / ‘I don’t know,’ Richie said, but he knew well enough.” (King 1427)

Richie’s shutting the door on Pennywise and the sewers and the whole horrible tragedy of it all, yes. But he’s also furious with the grief of losing Eddie, and shutting the door that will now forever separate Eddie’s final resting place from the hole where he died. Bev’s question allows Richie to do just what Eddie did, too – keep it quiet, cut it off, not acknowledge what he’s avoiding or what he’s just lost. Still, he knows well enough.  

PART VI – CONCLUSION  

I don’t know for sure that King intended for Eddie to be closeted, but I think he did. He’s gone on the record that he believes in leaving stuff like this for the reader to figure out. There are a lot of scenes, a lot of small moments, that suggest that Eddie is gay, and while many of them make sense without that reading, the entirety of the picture they paint does not. I’m partial to Reddie, and as I’ve demonstrated above, I believe there is a lot of textual evidence to support the theory that they had feelings for each other. Eddie’s death alone, and the fact that the last thing he had to say needed to be addressed to Richie while Eddie held his face in his hands, is... a LOT. But I’ll be honest – my loyalty is to queer!Eddie on its own.  

If Eddie Kaspbrak is gay, then his story is ten times more heartbreaking. It’s a story of fear, not just of the supernatural but of the very real hatred and pain he would have faced being openly gay in Derry. It’s a story of fearing that something inside of him was rotten and sick and sinful, and that one of his closest friends in the world thought so too. It’s a story of self-loathing. And it’s a story without an end, because Eddie could never let himself think of how to finish admitting what he needed to admit to himself. The truth was lost in asthma attacks, in Myra, in death. In that sense, it’s fitting that King never explicitly stated that Eddie was gay, if that was indeed his intent – it's one more thing we’ll never know for sure, because Eddie couldn’t bring himself to tell us.  

THAT BEING SAID. My loyalty is to queer!Eddie. Which means that my loyalty is to making this shit better, exploring and dissecting the hell out of it, and fixing it. Give Eddie Kaspbrak the ending he deserved! Let him finish his thoughts! Take these quotes, draw inspiration from them, and let’s all cling to each other in preparation for Chapter 2.  

[famder-news]

Video Review Wednesday: Dealing with INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS

Hello, everyone!!! Before we begin, I wanted to let y’all know that due to the new-ness of this video, ALL of our normal top-of-the-post chatter, including the characters in the video and the length of the video, will be under the cut in order to avoid spoilers. This post will remain not properly tagged as well; at least, it sill remain so until 2 weeks after the video’s been up to refrain from spoilers. Mobile users, just,... scroll REALLY FAST!!!

Watch the NEWEST Sanders Sides video HERE!!! (But make sure to read the warning card at the start of the video first!!! Keep yourselves safe!!!)

SO!!! To be fair, I was going to write a video review for Selfishness Vs Selflessness. BUT!!! This video is New and Exciting and we’re going to review it!!! Unlike other Sanders Sides Reviews, I’ll be writing about this one as I watch it!! I’ll be numbering my thoughts as I go under Stray Thoughts plus my random thoughts that might be wrong about the video’s content, along with the time in the video (

put in parenthesis and then italicized

) that I thought of it so that you guys can keep up. I’m really excited to watch this, so let’s go!!!

Video Length: 41:16

Characters In Order Of Appearance: Thomas, Virgil, Patton, Roman, Logan, [DATA EXPUNGED]

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Our video starts with!!!! A CONTENT WARNING!!! The first content warning placed in-video for Thomas’s content, save for possibly Accepting Anxiety because I’m not about to go and check. Then (ignoring the ad), the video opens with a LATE and TOTALLY PANICKING Thomas getting ready to film. I noticed that he looked REALLY tired, but at this point I’m pretty sure it’s Thomas and not Virgil.

Then, the intro card!!!

Thomas is... in a bath robe, obviously exhausted, and trying to film his video. He’s rambling, he’s exhausted, he looks like the emotional equivalent of getting hit by a bus, AAAND Virgil and Patton show up when Thomas is like “yeah everything has gone to SHIT.” Patton looks.... Surprisingly anxious, even for him. Virgil agrees to try and change the subject, but Virgil looks FAR more tired than normal. His eyeshadow is darker than it’s been in a long, long time.

And then Roman appears RIGHT as they’re trying to change the subject. Patton and Virgil won’t tell Roman what’s going on; weird, to be honest. BUT since they’re lying, I’m pretty sure Deceit will appear (2:10). Roman insists that he wants to know what’s going on. Thomas AND Virgil both said Ro wouldn’t want to know, and Patton’s just trying to help kep Ro distracted, and failing miserably.

AND HEEEERES LOGAN!!! Who gets IMMEDIATELY roasted because he’s pretty sure the whole Thomas Feeling Bad thing is because of Lee and Mary Lee VS The Callback. He calls Patton and Virgil’s reactions an over-reaction only to get roasted because of Logan’s self-defined state of having no feelings. Cue the falsehood screech when he gets called out, and then Roman’s STILL trying to figure out what’s going on.

AND LOGAN DAMN NEAR REVEALED IT!!! and EVERYONE starts yelling at him to SHUT HIS MOUTH!!! To be honest, I’ve never seen this happen in ANY Sanders Side video--Like, sure, we’ve had 1 side yell at another, but THIS? Dang...

HE WAS GONNA SAY INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS!!! HOT DAMN LOGAN, YOU GO!!! And NOW I know why there was so much yelling!!! Thomas wants to Not Think About It!!!

And now they’re talking about a movie (that I, Mod Wheat, have never seen), and Thomas... Spaces out. And has an Intrusive Thought. AND holy shit THERE ARE hands BEHIND rOMAN’S TV!!!!!!!

Ladies and Gents, introducing our Newest Side: Bastard Man!!! He’s got the world’s most COMICAL mustache and, honestly, his appearance is Unnerving. But, that’s probably the point!!! I had to pause the video because of my yelling about the new side, so... Back to the vid!!!

And OH WOW, Patton and Virgil are SCARED SHITLESS of him!!! And now Bastard has a staff!!! WHAT IS GOING ON!!! IT WAS A MACE NOT A STAFF HE HIT ROMAN!!! BASTARD MAN IS A DOUCHE!!!!

And NOW we can call Bastard Man Duke!!! I... Don’t know how I feel about how Roman was handled.

AND: MUSICAL NUMBER!!! Duke jumps STRAIGHT into an adam and eve comparison, and we have Virgil and Patton looking uncomfortable and nauseous. AND THEN HE STARTS SINGING ABOUT GETTING THE SCARY PIECES OF CREATIVITY!!! Which, base don the fact that Thomas canonically and IRL doesn’t like Scary Content, is... Weird. And the other sides... Can’t seem to get this New Boi to STFU. WILD.

DECEIT KIND OF APPEARS!!! MY SNAKE SON!!! STOPPED HOLDING DUKE BACK!!! Honestly, it looks like Duke took Dee venting about the whole Lee and Mary Lee situation WAY OUT OF HAND, but still!!!

and NOW we get into more interesting material!!! Duke starts running through... What I would call intrusive thoughts. Licking the blowhole of a dolphin? Wild. Best friend shut inside a coffin? ALSO Wild, but in a less good way.

And Duke just straight-up saying “YEAH you’re a BAD PERSON because you THINK these things????” Like... Holy SHIT, dude. If I had to guess, Duke is Intrusive Thoughts. We’ll see if I’m right.

Music ends, and Duke claims he’s Thomas’s Creativity. But, only a piece of it. The piece that goes to the gore and the scary and the “juicy stuff”, as Duke puts it.

And then they talk about Jeffery Dahmer... Thomas tries to get the Duke to shut up, which only succeeds in getting the Duke to... NOT shut up.

And then they get into WHAT the Duke is. He’s half of Thomas’s creativity--the half that he’s squirreled away, banished as bad imagination. This, in turn, led to the Duke being experienced as Intrusive Thoughts by Thomas. Which, at about 15 minutes into the video, shouldn’t be where they leave the defining off.

And then... Virgil says that Thomas is, inherently, NOT the good person he wants to be. Because of the intrusive thoughts caused by the Duke. Now, I don’t know much about how intrusive thoughts perpetuate, but I DO know that having them doesn’t inherently make you a bad person; it’s when you ACT on them (and by them I mean the WORST ones) that you are.

After that, Virgil tries to claim that the Duke is, well, kind of useless because some thoughts have no meaning. Which is great!!! Except that he immediately crumbles afterwards, stating that clearly they MUST have a purpose otherwise why would they have been thought? this goes on to claiming that the thoughts aren’t Thomas’s, and that therefore means Thomas is innocent. Which... doesn’t end well, since only Thomas can think Thomas’s thoughts.

I’m going to... SKIP a bunch of content here, since I’m 20 minutes in and I want to finish the post before I hit a word limit or my power goes out aka I got distracted watching the video akdfhklshd, so we’re jumping to... LOGAN!!!

Logan starts debunking the Duke, running through why the Duke exists at all as well as the fact that the Duke having as much power as he does is because of Patton and Virgil. Virgil, because the thoughts make him anxious and make the anxiety jump WAY through the roof, and Patton because Patton doesn’t want to just... leave the thoughts be and let them happen.

And with this reveal, and the use of Logic to dismantle the Duke, we are left with several things to think of; the fact that intrusive thoughts can be combated with Logic, the fact that if you just relax and let them go they can’t hurt you (very much), and the Duke’s name: Remus.

After that, Remus nyooms off to... wherever Remus goes, and Roman’s back to consciousness!!! God bless you Roman, we missed you!!! And then... Roman apologizes to Logan for calling him a name!!! Score!!! And then Thomas is feeling alright, and HE THANKS LOGAN AND CALLS LOGAN COOL!!!! AND MY GOD!!! MY SMART SON!!! LOOKS SO BAMBOOZLED BUT LIKE CONTENT!!!! HELL YEAH!!!

And Remus pops back up one more time, Roman reveals that he doesn’t LIKE Remus because Remus is all the BAD things bout creativity, and then it’s Thomas and Virgil. And BOY OH BOY does Virgil have ONE HELL OF A REVEAL!!! For the sake of those whose mobile doesn’t scroll fast enough, I won’t spoil it (even though I’ve spoiled pretty much most of the episode), since SOME things must be discovered for their own merit!!!

And then... it’s the end of the video!!! It’s confirmed that the Thomas that does the Ads in the beginning of the longer videos is the Sanders-verse canon Thomas!!! Really interesting take, honestly!!!

End Card:

Remus is the Trash Man. He eats the deodorant while watching Thomas, it’s fucking WILD!!! And then at the LAST SECOND, Remus pops up like “There’s a snake in my butt!!!” like HELL YEAH REMUS YOU GO REMUS!!!

Stray Thoughts:

(1) The music cover for the content warning is a Bop tbfh (like 4 seconds in)

(2) I know the robe is probably a bad thing but I am LIVING for the tired robe life. Reminds me of college student horse shit surrounding engineering finals (1:42)

(3) “It’s Virgil, everybody give it up for the purp man...” has me CACKLING (3:55)

(4) I do not LIKE the bastard man... But god DAMN does he look good in Green (6:22)

(5) When Duke said Thomas Lacked Imagination after knocking Roman out and then yeeted STRAIGHT into an Adam and Eve thing... Makes me wonder if he can control the Imagination too :/ (6:54)

(6) Ok as much as I don’t like the Duke he is just... a litel creatchure... he canot change this... (17:35)

(7) The duke is... Growing on me. Still doesn’t take Dee’s spot as my favorite, but he’s a Chaotic Neutral at its finest. (25-ish mins in)

Quotes:

"It’s Virgil.... Everybody give it up for the purp man...” -Thomas, un-enthused

"Roman is sort of like Netflix kids and family. He’s the option that you select if you want to--” “Block out all the juicy stuff!!!” -Logan & Duke

“Either way, you’re not my creativity.” “Yeah! That’s the brave, handsome, unbeatable ROMAN!” *Roman, still unconscious and mumbling things* -Thomas, Patton, and Roman

“There’s a snake in my butt!!!” -Remus

This was a super good episode!!! I really like Remus, even though he could, admittedly, be taken to be More Evil than Deceit currently is. I need to watch and re-watch the video to have more theories about it, but I am LOVING our newest side and I cannot WAIT for an episode with both Remus AND Dee in it. It’d be a pretty interesting episode!!!

- Mod Wheat

[hallucinosims]

Couple Interview Tag by @shysimblr

Let me start off by saying literally no one ever tagged me in this, HOWEVER, i felt like i wanted to talk more about my cryptid bois SO (you can find the rules here) and I tag @liliithvatore (as I do in everything) and @emovatore (because I miss Sand and she posted something a few days so i’m trying to coax her from her cave) Also, we’re doing the old fashioned way so Row will be bold text and Kyle will be italicized

1.  How did you two meet?

It was December of last year, and you broke into my house. Your mom let us all in, asshole. Well, you broke into my room. Again, invited in. With other people. Let’s agree to disagree.

2. Who is the most Jealous of you two?

I think we’re both- Me. It’s me, 100% Both the jealous type...

3. What’re your 3 favourite Physical things about your partner?

Oh shit What? You never thought about it? I mean, I like your hair. And the bass callouses you have. Just one more, babe.  I like the fact that we’re the same shirt size, that’s physical enough. Well, I like your eyes, the two moles on your throat, and your ass. Next question.

4. Who’s more likely to be running late?

Bitch, we are literally never anywhere. The amount of times I’ve gotten lost driving literally no more than five miles with this asshole is illegal. But out of the two of us? Oh, me, for sure.

5. Who is the most organised and who is the messiest?

Have you seen this guys room? Organized chaos. It’s not organized when there’s a fucking half eaten carton of shrimp fried rice just, on your bed. But you’re not that much better. Yeah, but at least I can see my floor.

6. Who is the bigger flirt? (flirts the most?)

I will flirt with anyone. It’s just how I talk. I don’t even know how to flirt all the relationships I’ve been in were entirely accidental. All two? All three. I was with Evie first. Yeah, for like a week.

7. Who does the most cooking?

I know how to cook, actually! And I don’t know how to turn my oven on, so there’s that.

8. How do you feel about kids and do you want them? If so how many?

We’re fucking seventeen. But like if we had too. I’m trans. Between the two of us, I’d have to be the one to carry it which is a hard fucking no. Adoption? No, I don’t want to bring a kid into my bullshit so... just no. No it is then. Wait, you want kids?

9. Who wears the pants in the relationship?

That’s a kinda archaic saying, don’t you think? Yeah, plus we’ve been dating for, what? Two months? I’d like to think we’re still pretty much our own people. No one runs anything. Basically our whole relationship is established off of “Hey, I think your funny and hot. Let’s make out sometimes” So there really isn’t any roles.

11. What was the first thing you noticed about each other?

This carrot top looking ass. Your nicotine addiction. I thought we were being funny. I’m being honest. Okay, then if I’m being honest the first thing I noticed about you was your chaotic living system being brought on as a way to hide yourself from the real world. Oh my God, you noticed! How romantic.

12. What does your partner do that pisses you off?

They don’t listen. Row’s a follower. And fuck, I’d give anything for him, but he has like, literally no will for anything. And I feel like that’s something that’s been taken out of him after years of being with people who don’t listen. Because I listen, trust me. But it’s not really that deep though, is it? Not everything needs to be a fucking deduction, Ky. I meant general shit. Like, I care about you too it’s just... whatever. Next question?

13. Where’s the craziest/weirdest place you’ve ever had sex?

Uh... over skype? Does dry humping behind a convenience store until his Uber picks him up count? Because if not then we’ve never had sex.

14. Do you know your partner’s love language, if yes what is it?

Like I know talking is unnecessary but words are my love language, so please, just like, fucking speak your truth. Fair enough.

15. Where do you see the 2 of you in 10 years?

Oh, for sure both of us will be in the twenty-seven club. No doubt. Yeah, 30s? Never heard of her? Do you think we’ll still be together? And like do some cheesey shit like get killed on goatman’s bridge. Holy shit. What? I think I’m in love with you, Rowan Galére

[gardenflowerswriting]

Forgetting Everyone Else

A/N: okay! The things italicized is the song they are singing, I have the part two to this almost done, it I just couldn’t make this supper long because tumblr is dumb. This is fluffy, but the next part is kinda bad (not really??) Gif: Ivckskywalker | enjoy!

Your fingers ran through the tight curls of the little girl who sat in front of you, you hummed as you placed intricate braids through out them. The children of Kattegat always asked you to play, so you did as they wished. But sometimes joining them in a game of catch was not enough, they all seemed to form at your feet, asking for you to sing, or tell a story, craving new words to come from your lips.

I dreamed a dream last night

of silk and fair furs

You smiled as you heard their little voices trying to keep up. They didn't know the words fully, but they tried their best.

Of a pillow so deep and soft,

a peace with no disturbance.

You couldn't help but feel eyes on you, watching as you joined the children, holding their hands and forming a makeshift circle, spinning as the song continued.

and in the dream I saw

As though through a dirty window

You eyes drifted from their tiny hands to a dark haired man, you knew him, you had seen him before. But when you matched eyes with the blue hue, you placed the name to the face, Ivar. The king of Kattegat stood next to a few other men, laughing at some mindless jokes, but staring you down. You get your body turn away from him, the children almost pulling you to continue the song.

the whole ill-fated human race,

a different fear upon each face.

When you turned back, he wasn't there. You could feel the frown on your face, but nevertheless, your worries were with the children, not the king. You smiled as your hair tickled your forehead, almost covering your vision.

The number of their worries grow

and with them the number of their solutions —

but the answer is often a heavier burden,

even when the question hurts to bear.

"Y/N! Spin faster!" The children around you giggled, but you smiled, picking up your skirt higher to match their speed.

As I was able to sleep just as well,

I thought that would be best —

to rest myself here on fine fur,

and forget everyone else.

Your eyes danced back up to see the young king again, though this time he stood next to his brother, Hvitserk. You flashed him a small smile before returning back to the children.

Peace, if it is to be found, is where

one is furthest from the human noise —

and walling oneself around, can have a dream

of silk and fine furs.

"Again!" One whined next to you.

You smiled, picking the child up on your hip, almost out of breath by all the spinning, "if you asked to do it again, we will be doing it all day." They all let out a whine, which only made you laugh again, "your parents are awaiting you, go show them what you have learned, hm?" Their eyes perked up with joy, and they almost ran away from you faster then they had arrived. You could always get them away with a simple 'chore,' knowing their parents would love to hear the things they had learned from you. You shook your head, picking up the small basket next to you, now your job was to pick up food, not entertain children. You felt Ivar creeping behind you, he didn't want to disturb you, he just wanted to let you know he was there. You hand gripped a potato, "why are you staring?"

You eyes fluttering back to him, he almost looked baffled at your words, "what?"

You smiled, your eyes going back to the colorful food infront of you, "I asked you why you are staring?" Your looked to the man at the wooden stand, "I'll have 3 please," motioning to the potatoes within your hands.

He nodded his head, "Here you go," you dropped some money into his free hand and turned into the direction of your home.

You almost smiled as you felt Ivar walking behind you, "what is your name?"

Your eyes never left the rocks folded within the grass, you didn't want to give him the satisfaction of knowing he held your eyes. Even for a moment, a man like him would turn those moments into hours. "Y/n," you muttered, stepping over a larger rock.

You heard his curse under his breathe as his cane sunk into the moist ground, "I am Ivar."

You couldn't help but smile, the king was introducing himself as though you didn't already know him, "I know who you are."

"Oh, well then," he took a moment, grunting as he walked up the hill, "May I ask you eat with me tonight?"

You turned your head to finally look at him, his features looked beautiful. A small scar was perfectly cut into his cheek bone and his eyes, the eyes that had been placed on you. You laughed to yourself, but then sighed, "I'm sorry my king, but I have a husband."

He frowned, "It is dinner, not marriage."

You rolled your eyes, he wouldn't let you say no, "tonight?" He nodded his head again, you bit your lip, "what time?"

He smiled, "when dinner begins."

You felt your eyes dance over the view of the open sea, what would your husband say? He would probably be overcome with joy to see you eat with a king, thinking the gods have blessed you, "I will try."

You could see the smile creep across his face, "Well, if you don't make it, I'm sure they'll be other nights."

You nodded your head, turning back up to your hut. Why did you say yes? You couldn't say no, he was your king, but you knew the way he looked at you. Your husband looked at you that way, well used to. It made you feel warm inside, like a ball of happiness spread through out your legs, making you weak. You pushed the door open and noticed your husbands body sitting at the table, slurping down his soup in a large bowl. His eyes lit up with joy when you walked in, "How was the town? The children?"

You smiled, placing the basket next to him and taking a seat across from him, "oh, the children were great. I sang to them, and we danced,"

His brows raised, "sounds fun."

You picked at the wood, "but, you know, the funniest thing happened."

He leaned back, "what?"

You felt yourself scratching at your scalp, "the-the uh king, He asked me to eat with him. . . tonight."

"What?" He looked as though he couldn't believe what you were saying, "the king? Ivar the boneless." You nodded your head, "well, what did you tell him?"

"I, ugh, told him I would try."

"Try? Y/N, he's our king," you nodded, "gods! We're invited to eat with the king!" We're, he didn't get it. You couldn't tell him he wasn't invited, that would hurt his heart. You just smiled and nodded, hoping Ivar wouldn't notice the 250 pound man who stood next to you.

You changed into your best dress, the dress you married Ake in, it was red, and a little tight, but in the right places. Your hair was pulled in a half up braid, little white flowers decorating it. "Are you ready?" You called, tying your shoes in place.

"Yep!" Ake rushes towards you, a wide smile on his face as he grabbed your arm, "the king!" He squealed  again.

You gave a small smile, "the king," yours less enthusiastic.

He grabbed your arm tight, walking the whole way with you like this, and even when you stepped in the great hall, his hand never left yours. "Y/N!" You head turned to Ivar, he sat on a tall throne, a cup in his right hand.

You walked towards him, bowing your head a little when you reached him, "Ivar."

You looked back up with him, a frown spreading as he looked to your husband, "and this is?"

You turned to him, "this is Ake, my husband."

"It is an honor, your highness," you could see his nervousness.

Ivar gave a laugh, "well, please, drink until dinner."

"Thank you," you turned around, but was stopped by Ivars words.

"Y/n, come sit by me."

You slowly turned back to him, Ake gave you a concerned look, but you squeezed his arm, "go, have fun." When he left your side, you sat on a small chair next to Ivar, it was no throne, but it was comfortable.

He took a bite of a cherry, "Your husband doesn't seem to know how to talk to a king."

You gave a weak smile, "he is nervous, your highness."

He corrected you, "Ivar, call me Ivar." You only nodded your head, looking back to the crowd of people dancing, "Are you scared of me?"

You turned back at him, his eyes scanning your face, "no, why would I be scared?"

He smiled, taking another cherry in his mouth, "others are."

"I believe it is idiotic to be scared of any human, the gods yes, but no one is more powerful than them."

"But you are not scared of me?" He almost pouted, wanting you to say yes.

You smiled, "no, I'm not afraid of you Ivar the boneless."

He nodded his head, turning back to the crowd of people drinking, "good, I need someone who is not afraid of me."

You brows moved together, "Iva-"

"Do you have children?"

You smiled down at your hands, "no, I do not have any children."

"But you dance with them?"

You looked back up to him, his eyes dancing across your body, "I teach them, sometimes their parents would rather give them in the hands of someone else than teach them themselves," you leaned closer to him, "like your mother did?"

His eyes squinted at you, but it turned into a smile, "you have done your research?"

"No, but you may forget you are our king, and word does travel," you looked back up, a group of thralls watching as you talked, looking disgusted to see you sitting by the king. "Like how tomorrow I will hear how I have become the kings new fuck toy."

He popped another cherry in his mouth, "for a teacher to children, you sure have a potty mouth."

You smiled, "where are the children?"

"I like you."

You could feel you cheeks burn, "thank you, my king-"

"Ivar," he corrected you again, "the children seem to like you."

"I would hope so."

You saw him thinking, and before he said another word, he took a sharp inhale, "I need someone like you, to give me children and teach them, the way I was taught." You raised your brows almost stunned by his words.

Tags: @ivarslittlebadgirl @hail-kattegat @naaladareia @tephi101

[quasithinking]

Gravity’s Rainbow: Part X

About five hundred pages into this monster, the parts began to come together so I could stop asking, "Why was all of that stuff about Pirate Prentice necessary?!" Not that I'm any clearer on what his big secret mission delivered by the Rocket was supposed to be. But I am learning about the people who delivered that message and how it's tied to Slothrop's quest to find the plastic, probably the secret to Slothrop's hardons, in which the message was contained. But that's getting about 450 pages ahead of myself! Currently, I'm at a part of the book where I haven't registered that Slothrop is important at all. He's just a guy who keeps a poster of his sexual conquests that some psychic nutjobs and Pavlovians think is important. This section finds Jessica smoking alone in the dark of her and Roger Mexico's squat located in an abandoned village she can't name and thinking about the imposition of War. She would like the life she and Roger Mexico are living to be less of an imaginary thing wherein they hide from the realities of the War and more, well, you know, reality. The War is too big to conceive, too much to visualize as a whole. And it will not bother them, except maybe by A4 Rocket, and then, well, they wouldn't even know, right? Jessica thinks about a conversation she had with Roger Mexico about the Poisson distribution of the Rocket strikes. I've never had too much trouble with higher math or science (okay, Physics in my senior year of high school gave me some trouble but half of that was my attitude as a soon-to-be-high-school graduate who just couldn't be bothered with all this learning crap) but a college course in statistics was my first real indication that maybe I wasn't as smart as my mother kept insisting I was (although like my Physics course, it's possible that the situation surrounding my enrollment in this particular Statistics class and my apathetic attitude toward the material had more to do with why I didn't understand it). But with this following passage, Pynchon has me believing that my lifelong belief that Statistics is a language that very few have the capacity to learn was correct (not that I need much proof to acknowledge a belief which tends toward my own self interest). "Roger has tried to explain to her the V-bomb statistics: the difference between distribution, in angel's-eye view, over the map of England, and their own chances, as seen from down here. She's almost got it: nearly understands the Poisson equation, yet can't quite put the two together—put her own enforced calm day-to-day alongside the pure numbers, and keep them both in sight. Pieces keep slipping in and out.     "Why is your equation only for angels, Roger? Why can't we do something, down here? Couldn't there be an equation for us too, something to help us find a safer place?"     "Why am I surrounded," his usual understanding of self today, "by statistical illiterates? There's no way, love, not as long as the mean density strikes is constant. Pointsman doesn't even understand that."     The rockets are distributing about London just as Poisson's equation in the textbooks predicts. As the data keep coming in, Roger looks more and more like a prophet. Psi Section people stare after him in the hallways. It's not precognition, he wants to make an announcement in the cafeteria or something . . . have I ever pretended to be anything I'm not? all I'm doing is plugging numbers into a well-known equation, you can look it up in the book and do it yourself. . . ." See?! In Pynchon's description of Roger's statistical life, even the psychics can't get their heads around Statistics! It's mystical hoodoo! This section is a good example of why Gravity's Rainbow can be such a confusing read at times. This section begins from Jessica's perspective as she looks for a smoke in her and Mexico's squat. It then moves to a remembered conversation between Jessica and Roger. But then, during this remembrance, the scene shifts to a morning in Roger's life at The White Visitation seen from Pointsman's perspective. It's easy to lose oneself in these shifts of time and perspective, and to forget where the scene began if and when Pynchon decides to return to what had seemed like a linear bit of story telling. In the now shifted scene, Pointsman feels compelled to drop in on Mexico every morning to try to get a handle on the whole statistics thing. Pointsman's problem, as a Pavlovian, is that he only seems to understand binary results. Does a stimulus cause a reaction or not? (Yes, I've simplified this because I don't know much (or anything at all) about "summation," "transition," "irradiation," "concentration," or "reciprocal induction.") But Roger deals in seemingly random possibilities. What does a 0.37 chance even mean when you get right down to it?! To Pointsman, it simply means you don't know anything at all, really. If the numbers Mexico comes up with don't indicate how to avoid being hit by an A4, what fucking good are they then?! Pointsman's observation of what Mexico's ability to live comfortably with seemingly random probability evokes in me echoes of Douglas Coupland's Generation X (and not just because the word "generation" is italicized in the text!). "How can Mexico play, so at his ease, with these symbols of randomness and fright? Innocent as a child, perhaps unaware—perhaps—that in his play he wrecks the elegant rooms of history, threatens the idea of cause and effect itself. What if Mexico's whole generation have turned out like this? Will Postwar be nothing but "events," newly created one moment to the next? No links? Is it the end of history?" I mean, it's like Coupland's pitch for the book! Probably! Immediately after the bit I just transcribed, the scene shifts again to a night Roger was having a drunken discussion with the Reverend Dr. Paul de la Nuit about Mexico's statistics. In this brief remembrance, the Reverend asks Mexico a simple question through an analogy of a bit of trivia about the Romans: What fucking good is your chart of A4 Rocket strikes? It's a fair fucking question, really. And then we're back to Jessica's remembered conversation. Almost all the way back to the present narrative! Jessica pointing out that it isn't fair that his statistics don't tell them how to be safer; Roger once again being forced to repeat to yet another dullard that it's just an equation. Ignoring the whole discussion of statistics for a second, I'd also like to point out that the linear narrative (you know, the easy parts of the book!) is clever and enticing and beautifully written. This book isn't becoming my favorite book simply because it's smart and difficult to read and postmodern. It's because of moments like this:     "Well, it isn't fair."     "It's eminently fair," Roger now cynical, looking very young, she thinks. "Everyone's equal. Same chances of getting hit. Equal in the eyes of the rocket."     To which she gives him her Fay Wray look, eyes round as can be, red mouth about to open in a scream, till he has to laugh. "Oh, stop."     "Sometimes . . ." but what does she want to say? That he must always be lovable, in need of her and never, as now, the hovering statistical cherub who's never quite been to hell but speaks as if he's one of the most fallen. . . . The scene, once again, shifts to The White Visitation in a memory where Jessica and Pirate Prentice are talking while they watch Roger off in the distance playing in the snow. Pirate deems Roger's attitude toward the "rocket being fair" "Cheap nihilism." And later, when Jessica tells him about the exchange, he admits it. Sure. Cheap. Of course! But why should his reality, his fears, his way of coping with those fears, be less because of what others have truly suffered? Roger Mexico is just as frightened of death as anybody else who doesn't believe in something more, something after. And yet he works at The White Visitation where they all believe in more. So why shouldn't he fear death more than they do? All he has are his statistics and, in the end, they might offer an illusion of control but they offer no solace, no hope, no eternal reward. There's just the end and now, with the marvels of technology, you don't even get any warning about that. The section ends with both Jessica and Roger thinking about Pre-War life and how everything seemed silly and unnecessary and inconsequential. And as a reminder of the life one used to be able to lead without thinking about death constantly, a rocket hits nearby.

[ddaddsprompts]

How would the dads react to seeing scars all over Dadsona's torso?

This ask is dark, so I totally understand if you don’t feel comfortable answering it. How would the dads react to their boyfriend confessing that they were raped before they met Alex, and they have PTSD because of it? 

Please note that for Brian’sscene, since he theoretically saw Dadsona’s naked torso during the fishing datein canon, I chose to change that so he sees the scars for the first time onlylater.Also, Robert’s scene begins with a flashback that doesn’t describe the actualact, but I still wanted to warn you. Just skip the first paragraph (it’s italicized)to avoid that.

Put under read-more because of the subject matter. - Mod Mare

🥃 Help, you screamed, but the hands pressing down your neck trapped thesound in your throat. You struggled, clawed, thrashed, but you were too weak,he hovered above you, knife in his hand and—

“Y/N!” You sit up so fast, you nearly getwhiplash. Your heart is beating hard in your throat, making it impossible tospeak. You claw at your skin, trying to ease the tension, but hands grip yoursand pull them off again. “Y/N, calm down, ‘s just me.” The rational, logicalpart of your brain recognises the voice and tries to convince your sub-consciousnessto calm down again, but your fight-or-flight instincts are flaring. Youstruggle against the strong arms that envelop you, try to push against thestrong chest you’re pulled against, but the other person is stronger. “JesusChrist, kid!” Rough, calloused hands rub patterns into your skin;normally, someone touching your back, your scars, would have send you evendeeper into panic, but the feeling of those hands in particular triggers yourbrain. You still, blinking fully awake. Robert carefully draws back, but keeps hisarms around your waist. His face, normally so unreadable, is like an open booknow, literally displaying his concern and worry. “Wanna talk about it?” Yourfirst instinct is to say no and act like nothing happened, but you’re tooexhausted to lie. Extracting a hand, you pull up your shirt. Robert’s facecloses off, but not fast enough, you see a flicker of pure, cold fury in hiseyes. “I was raped,” you whisper. “Before Alex. I still suffer.” Robert gritshis teeth. He takes a deep breath to calm down, then pulls you close again. “Fuckinghell, kid, I’m sorry. I’ll find that fucker and castrate him.” Despite thesituation, you laugh, which eventually turns into crying. Robert holds you wordlessly,offering his silent support.

🍸 You stare down at the small device in your hands, which you’d bought justfor this, but it was no guarantee Joseph wouldn’t recognise you. The priestside of the confessional booth is opened. Even though the wall separating youmostly obscures the view, the silhouette is visible and it looks familiar. Allyour remaining doubts are washed away when Joseph speaks. “There’s no need tobe shy or nervous. I’m here to help you.” You switch on the device, hoping itwould completely alter your voice. “Father, I…” Though you had prepared exactlywhat you want to say, now the words won’t come. You close your eyes. “I’vewithheld important information from my partner even though I know I should tellthem.”“I’m not a priest, so there’s no need to call me ‘father’. Minister more thansuffices. Now, of what nature is the information you’re talking about? Are youcomfortable telling me that?”You exhale. “I… I was raped. Before them. I have scars… a-all over my chest.A-and… I suffer f-from… that. Even though it’s been so long…” You shudder andwrap your arms around yourself. Joseph, on the other side of the wall, shiftsin his seat. “I’m so sorry to hear that… why haven’t you told your partner yet?What stops you?” With shaking hands, you turn off the device again. Count toten once more. Inhale. Speak. “Because I’m scared he might not want to be withme anymore.” A second goes by. You hear Joseph gasp, then, the scrape of achair being pulled backwards across the floor. The door to your side is thrownopen and Joseph pulls you into his arms, guiding your face into the crook ofhis neck. “Y/N, I’d never leave you because of something like that. I love you,so much. I’m sorry you suffered so.” You sob and cling to him.

☕ A few weeks ago, you scared Mat by hiding behind the door and jumpingout to startle him. He doesn’t peck you as the type of person to take hisrevenge – after all, he’d reacted pretty chill, once he got past his initialsurprise – so you didn’t expect any kind of payback, certainly not after somuch time has passed. Naturally, that’s when Mat strikes. Your computer pings,alerting you to an incoming message on DadBook just after you entered yourbedroom to get dressed for your date with Mat. Throwing the towel on your bed,you walk up to the desk to see who it was. Suddenly, something comes jumpingout from under the desk. You scream and stumble backwards, your knee-pits hitthe bed and you fall onto it, now crying too. “Shit, babe, I’m so sorry, I didn’tmean to startle you—“ Mat falls silent once he notices the scars on your nakedchest. Had you been in control of yourself, you would have tried to coveryourself, but you are shaking in panic, still screaming at the top of yourlungs, probably loud enough to alert the whole cul-de-sac. Carefully,exaggerating his movements, Mat sits down next to you and wraps an arm aroundyou. You tense, but the familiar smell of coffee and his soothing voice pushthrough the fog of fear, just enough for you to realise it’s him. Mat gentlypulls you close, your head in his lap, and cups your face in his hands. “I’m sosorry, babe. I didn’t mean to…” You numbly shake your head and curl in onyourself. An hour later, once you’ve calmed down somewhat, you tell him whereyour scars come from. He sings to you, his voice trembling and tears in hiseyes, as he holds you.

🌹 Damien told you about him being trans late week and ever since, you wondered. Asked yourself whether you shouldtell him of your own secret, about your own scars. He trusted you with his, theleast you could do was return the gesture, but truth be told, you’re scared.And apparently, Damien could tell something is bothering you. You’d never beenthe best at hiding your emotions, but after,you became good at burying your wounds under layers of awkwardness and badjokes. Around Damien, your usual attempts at misdirection don’t work. Ifanything, they seem to make things worse. Half an hour after he came back fromwork, Damien asks you to join him in his study. His face is blank, but hiscontrol does not extend to his eyes. “Y/N,” he begins once you’re seated. “Eversince I told you, you’ve been acting strange and you seem tense. If you’re notcomfortable with me being trans, please just tell me, so—““I was raped,” you say. The words just slipped off your tongue and now they areout, you cannot take them back. “Before Alex. It still affects me. I get nightmares.Panic attacks. I have scars, physical, all over my torso, and mental. You’re…you’re the second person I ever told. I didn’t know whether I should…” You buryyour face in your hands, taking deep, deliberate breaths. There’s a shufflingnoise before Damien wraps his arms around you. You lean into him, stifling asob. “I’m so sorry, my love. I didn’t… Thank you for telling me.” Gently,Damien squeezes you, whispering reassurances into your hair.

🎣 Brian runs his hand along your spine, feelingeach individual vertebra through the fabric of your shirt. You take a deepbreath and try to push down the flames of anxiety that threaten to flare upinside your chest. It’s one of those rare evenings where Daisy isn’t at homeand you and Brian have the house all to yourselves. The credits of the movieyou watched continue running on screen, but neither of you pay much attentionto it. So far, you haven’t really been intimate, but something tells you itmight happen tonight. Maybe it’s the way he kept on touching you throughout themovie, kissing your cheek, lips and neck, maybe it’s that look in his eyes, theintensity. The rush of fear cursing through your veins at the thought makes youtense. Brian immediately stills, his hands settling on your hips, and looks atyou with a concerned expression. “Are you okay? I can stop-“ You shake yourhead and sit up. You’ve been dreading this conversation from the get-go, butyou’d rather he learns of it now thanlater because of an anxiety attack or worse. Under Brian’s questioning gaze,you slowly lift your shirt over your head. You clutch it to your chest, lookinganywhere but him, afraid of what you’d see. “Oh babe…” Brian whispers. “Whathappened?” You inhale, exhale; the pressure on your lungs still doesn’tdisappear. “Before Alex… I was… I was r-raped. I-I still get n-nightmares.” Hedoesn’t say anything for a while, just looks at you as if he was mourning. Thenhe pulls you into his arms, holding you close, and murmurs sweet nothings whileyou cry into his shoulder.

👟 Craig has seen the scars before, first incollege, then when you went on your camping trip the other day after meetingagain against all the odds, but he never asked where they are from. You havethe strong feeling he’s waiting for you to be ready to tell him about it andeven if you’d never be, he would respect it. The girls are at their mother’stoday, which means a relaxing day for the two of you. You’re chilling on Craig’sbed and you’re considering dozing off when Craig catches your attention byhumming. You roll over on your side and cock your head with a questioning look.“You know how I still have the numbers of a few old college buddies?” You justnod and gesture for him to continue. “Well, one of them forwarded me another bro’snumber and they just asked about you. Do you remember RedRocket Keith?” Themoment he says that name, your blood runs cold. Vaguely, you’re aware of Craigcalling your name, but it’s like your head is submerged under water and he’smiles away. You struggle as arms wrap themselves around you, but when the distinctscent of Craig fills your nose, you go limp, burying your face in his neck. Hecalmly guides you through breathing exercises until your heart stops racing,then continues to hold you, not asking what that was about, giving you all thetime you need. You lick your lips, struggling to find words. “I… r-rememberhim. E-every goddamn day. He haunts my dreams. H-He… h-he… at th-that party…he-he r-rap—“Craig gently shushes you. “I understand, bro, I understand. I’m so sorry. Iwish I’d known…” You weakly shake your head, relishing in the warmth of hisstrong embrace.

📖 Quizzmaster Quinn is sick, so Hugo and you go to a nearby restaurant knownfor its excellent food. You’re a bit disappointed, having looked forward to theparadise that was delicious cheeses and an excited Hugo, but he cheers you upagain, so that, by the time you’re seated and order, you’re grinning again.That is, until your eyes spot a familiar-looking face at the back of the room.Rationally, you know it can’t be him,but that doesn’t stop your instincts from going haywire, your brain sendingadrenaline through your whole body in preparation for your flight. Because yousure as hell wouldn’t fight. Hugo says something, but it’s as if you two areseparated by a wall of cotton; his voice is muted, barely understandable. “I-Ineed to use the bathroom,” you excuse yourself, then you’re on your feetalready, practically running. You throw closed the door, but it opens a fewseconds later as Hugo comes rushing inside. He immediately puts his hands onyour shoulders. You see his mouth moving, but no sound reaches your ears for awhile, the ringing in your head too loud. It takes minutes, but finally, youcalm down again. Hugo guides you to lean against the wall. “Y/N, what’s wrong? I’venever seen you so panicked.” You can’t help but snort at that. That’s not eventhe worst panic attack you’ve ever had. “I…” You hesitate, but his concernedexpression convinces you to say it. “There was a man… he looked…like… t-the manwho… r-raped m-me and l-left me with dozens of scars.” Hugo’s eyes go wide. Youexpect him to bury you in questions, demand names and all, but he surprises youby silently taking you into his arms. “I’m sorry, dear, I didn’t know.” Hekisses the top of your head and squeezes you. Wrapped in his strong arms, youfeel safe and protected.

[artificialqueens]

No one here (Katlaska) - matryoshka

 A/N: Hello, this is my first time writing a fic ever and it’s a self-indulgent Katlaska mess. I am nervous as hell, but also excited, and I hope you guys enjoy it as much as I enjoy writing it. It also was not proofread because I wanted to post it near Alaska’s crowning anniversary, since it sort of set on that time. So here. This is just a flurry of 20k+ of Katlaska fluff, angst, and awkward smut. 

This fic is a bit like my baby, and it is originally inspired by a song entitled, “No one here” by Moon88. If you want, you could listen to it, while reading the parts nearing the end.

It also jumps in time a lot, so I put these (//) as markers and I’ve italicized the ones where they were just recalling or flashbacks.

I apologize in advance if it’s all over the place, but it is my first time, and I’m rambling. Anyways, hope you enjoy! (((((also, i don’t have a tumblr account yet, but i’ve decided to go by the name matryoshka, hello))))

Alaska just finished one of her gigs in the U.K., and is currently riding her uber to her hotel. She is exhausted; the high of performing and bleeding theatrically onstage, which she very much loves, is already wearing off. She changed into Justin’s clothes, took off her wig and nails, since she will head back to the hotel alone, but opted to keep Alaska’s face on, too tired and impatient to head home. Home. A laughing Brian, all teeth and air and wailing and the smell of cigarettes, flashes in her head. But she halts that thought since she doesn’t get home for a week at least, or she might not get back home ever again.

 She feels exhausted, she can feel Alaska slipping away despite not completely dedragging yet. She feels Alaska dozing off, leaving Justin alone with his thoughts, thoughts of a very specific Russian transvestite hooker. She blames it on the silence of the ride, where his and her thoughts run wildly, not needing to filter them since he is alone. He wished Alaska had drunk, but he knows the rules, he put them up himself. But he just wished for tonight, he could be drunk. Justin rarely gets lonely, but these past few days have been heavy. It is a very rare occurrence, he has been used to traveling and touring, but there were days that he feels homesick. Fuck him for being a Pisces, needing constant companionship.

He doesn’t think of her coffee date with Aaron last week because he will think of the nearing wedding ceremony of Aaron and Chad, which will lead him to think of their dead cat, and then the T, and then that ex, and then those moments. He doesn’t want to think of them, so he thinks of a retired substitute math teacher, dying of lung cancer, that he might not ever see again, but he allows himself some happy thoughts. It’s kinda bittersweet. He thinks of how he got here.

It all started after he had been crowned as the All Stars 2 Winner which is accompanied by the title of the Queen of Snakes. He felt like everything was an epic rollercoaster, he had already peaked just to be continuously dropped downwards and downwards.  He felt very bad and undeserving of love and everything, and for a while, he thought he deserved that. But those were also the times where he is most thankful for his family, friends, and her fans, and surprisingly for Katya. They all defended her and supported him when some of her “fans” turned on her and went with the bullying of other fans, but again he thought he deserved that. Justin was hurt, and so was Alaska.

He apologized to Alaska, for hurting her and staining her reputation. But the Glamtron princess isn’t weak like Justin. She stood up, owned the title, made it her brand, and held her head up high. Sometimes Justin was thankful for Alaska, but at the same time, he wished that sometimes Alaska would hurt too, share his pain, so that Justin doesn’t have to carry it all by himself. Alaska would take all the praise, the glory, and she was like Justin’s child, so he would protect her, keep her from harm, he takes all the pain, so he set all his rules. But no matter what he does, however long the list of rules is, he can never be as perfect as Alaska, and he thinks that’s good. He doesn’t need it, but Alaska does.

It felt like a blessing in disguise. The flurry of all of his mishaps and hate had carried him, and he was lost in it, until Katya showed up, pulled him right into the eye of the storm, and it was peaceful. It felt right at that time, the storm was also about him not just her, he needs to be in the eye with Alaska, so that Alaska and him could be both at peace; he learned to be fair to himself. Justin did have a tendency to put people on a pedestal, and he needs to start breaking the habit. Katya said he could do it, and Brian helped him along the way. Even though they used to be rivals and weren’t very close, somehow Justin believed him, and he was glad he did.

//

“Care for a fucking?” Katya suddenly approached her as she entered Logo’s building, Justin thought maybe Katya just finished shooting an episode of UNHhhh, she was wearing her signature short frizzy blonde hair, a red, black, and white dress, her seemingly unending supply of eyeball jewelry, and her tiny hands; she’s at her prime, he notices.

Justin just laughs at the question, “What?”

“Well, the last meeting we had, it was stated as a fact in the PSA that your boyfriend was a total asshole. Thought I’d help.” Katya just shrugs.

“Ex-boyfriend, by the way, but no thanks, gallant friend, not today, I’ll call you when I can if the offer still stands,” Justin just entertains Katya’s weirdness, he thinks he’ll never get used to her, which is a nice and amusing thing.

“Alright, you can contact me through my dead dad by the beach, join me for my smoke break?”

Justin looks at Katya, quizzically, but just nods, and Katya smiles.

“Alright, Katy, what are you trying to do? Should I run now?” Justin said as Katya brought her at the parking lot, seemingly empty.

“No, I take my smoke breaks pretty seriously, just like how I take myself seriously, well” Katya says in a matter-of-factly character accent Justin had heard before but couldn’t quite name yet, as she lights a cigarette, tries to offer one to Justin, but Justin declined and opted to sit down as Katya crouched down, not trying to hide anything and letting her dress fall down.

“What a lady,” Justin comments.

“Augh! A lady? Woman, excuse me.” Katya corrects her, and Justin chuckles.

“Back to my point, where was I, Oh! Right, I am eccentric, but I do take myself seriously, and even though I seem like a very irresponsible person, I think I do know how to take care of myself, it’s just that I am kind of low maintenance, not really.” Katya was now staring at Justin, looking conflicted, as if asking for help. But Justin couldn’t help her, not when Justin doesn’t quite get Katya’s point either.

“Alright, my point is, apples and oranges, I don’t do dating, but oh mama, I would like to fall in love, honey, you know,” he looks at Justin, but Justin is still lost, “okay, back to my point, apples and oranges, God, this made sense in my head, I swear. I don’t do dating, not yet, but you should take yourself seriously as well. I mean… Maybe, actually, try and take yourself less seriously… Like, it’s not your fault, your boyfriend’s an asshole—ex-boyfriend, good riddance by the way!”

“Alright, alright, Katya, calm down, what’s the moral here, honey?” Justin cuts her off because even if Justin is entertained, he was also confused and very intrigued. Katya inhales from her cig.

“Well, you know, how Catholics have this proverb–”

“Now, you’re bringing Jesus up? Was this some sort of propaganda, a recruitment, a conversion of some kind?” Justin cackles, and Katya laughs with him, drops the almost finished cigarette stick, stomps on it.

“No, yeah, I just mean, let me finish, will you?” She looks at Justin challengingly, and Justin makes an action of literally zipping his mouth, then he bit his hand, Katya laughs for a bit and lights another cigarette, Justin gets a little concerned for her, “we have a proverb, and it goes like, when they throw you stones, throw them some bread,” Justin releases his hand to laugh at the saying, but Katya glares at her while trying to hold her laughter as well.

“Bitch, you promised, okay, well right now, that saying is bullshit, and I would like you to throw a boulder at him ablazed with fire and blades and all sorts of STDs.” Katya demonstrates the whole thing, with the aid of her cigarette.

“You know I’m not an angry person, also I am not your BFF, I also would like to apologize for calling you cold before, but yeah, my point is, if you would not do that, I am asking for your permission to allow me because not only did he spoil my favorite show, he also hurt my favorite.” Justin was taken aback by her last words. Katya was taken aback as well by her own words. “I may not be an angry person, but I am a passionate and compassionate woman, yes ma’am.” Katya adds as a sort of explanation.

Justin takes Katya’s cigarette, stood up, inhales a smoke, and exhales them. He watches the smoke that left his mouth, watched them disappear in the atmosphere, and thought of the consequences that single smoke had to the world, to other people. It seemed very metaphorical to him, like a euphoria, a sign, and he’s thinking too much, and he has to remind himself to gravitate back in the moment. How come Katya is always in the moment; it frustrates him, he looks down at Katya, and see that the queen had been staring at her. Katya smiles. The moment seems very poetic in a way the dissipating smoke, the cigarette from her “rival”, said “rival” consoling him in her own way, and how thankful he actually is, and how Katya actually helped him. She helped him, without him even knowing he needed help.

He wants to say a lot to Katya, questions to ask because he is confused as fuck, but for now he decides, he’ll give his own meaning to this moment. He’ll have fun on his own half of this story, this moment, he’ll give it his own meaning, since he thinks, it was intended to help him. Things had been—awkward, in a sense, between the two of them, but he wants to laugh and argue with Katya, and really be best friends with her, but for now, he says one thing:

“Thanks, Ca-tie-yuh,” he chuckles, as he still looks at Katya, mouth wide open, rolling her eyes.

He lets the cigarette stick fall down, as it is about to die, stomps on it, says something about Bro’Laska shooting as a farewell. And he looks back, and sees Katya staring at the sky, killing herself with a newly lighted stick. And he finds that some of the unnoticed weight has been lifted in his chest, along with the smoke, he exhaled.

He could hear Katya saying “Science,” in his head, and he let that thought stay there.

He did phone Brian later, and watched some of Katya’s performances when he has the time. And that’s how they found themselves in Justin’s hotel for the first time, full and bloated from room service, debating whether to watch Game of Thrones or Golden Girls. They watched the Golden Girls, since Justin claimed to be too tired to start a new series, especially one as complicated and interesting as GoT, and Brian let him win for now, but he said Justin owes him a slumber party per se, which Justin had agreed to.

They didn’t talk about the smoke break they had a while ago again that night, and Justin was thankful and contented. They fell asleep curled together in Justin’s bed. If he dreamt of white teeth, blue eyes, and smoker laugh, he silently wishes he had his alarm off, and if the future scares him, he pushes his worries aside along with his hopes of a future, and he dances around his insecurities for a bit; he’s not a dancer, but who said he couldn’t try.

They woke up together the next day, had breakfast together the next morning, discussing religion, science, love, cats and dogs, and the weather.

Katya recommended that Justin watch her webseries in YouTube, “Take a vacation from yourself. Every Friday with Katya,” the ending credits read, and Justin treated it as if reading a proverbial book like the bible or a Buddhist book. In some weird way, it did help Justin, and he has started to understand Katya more.

//

The uber pulled to a stop, in front of Justin’s hotel. He collected his stuff, and tipped the uber driver too much probably. The uber driver smiled at him, and Justin would be down and try to flirt because he is cute, tan, sexy, nice teeth, blue eyes, pretty well built, seems interested, except he’s no Brian, and Justin can’t, so he offered a polite smile back, turned around, sighed, and went in the hotel.

Justin has a complex relationship with hotels, he loves that they are impermanent, and hates the fact that somehow he is always in them, he feels impermanent, even though that’s not what his traveling implies, he still feels it, and he thinks he can never escape that thought. For a long time, he had wanted a home, he needed a home, not because he is homeless, not physically nor financially nor literally, but emotionally, probably. He is a living testament to the fact that Los Angeles doesn’t find you a home, it finds you jobs. And the jobs give him the hotels. Nevertheless, he misses home. He thinks of Brian. But instead of calling him, he opens the shower and gets in.

//

From then on Brian made it his business to know who Justin dated, who Justin had slept with, who is trying to get on his pants. He feels more involved in Justin’s sex and love life than his own. Brian had see to it that if he detests any of Justin’s “suitors,” he would scare them off. It was always either they got scared, or they go after what’s in his pants too, and that’s how Brian decides who’s good for Justin. As many as possible, he wants to get rid of all the race chasers in Justin’s life. It was like an automatic switch saying ‘must protect at all costs’ had switched on in his head. He doesn’t question much of the things he has on his head nowadays. He has learned to just surrender and stop making sense of everything in his head, not everything has to have reason.

“Oh, that guy looks like a race chaser,” Katya whispers into Alaska’s ear at a club once, when she noticed the alien princess was eyeing a man who had been reciprocating the looks.

“Shut up, don’t judge a book by its cover, he’s hot.” Alaska smirks and bats her eyelashes at the guy, about to walk to their direction.

“Oh yeah, I’m not judging a book by its cover, already been inside him, so”

“Oh god, I hate you.” Alaska then says shifting her attention to Katya alone, grabbing her arm and walking away from the man. Katya enjoys the attention, plus a race chaser removed from the list.

It is not even like Brian was attempting to make Justin celibate nor tarnish his name. And it is definitely not because Brian was trying to start something with Justin. Well, he wasn’t trying to start something now, he used to, more than once, tried, but that’s a different thing altogether.

He was doing his best to be subtle, but also terrifying to the men. So far, Justin hadn’t noticed it or maybe he did, but opted to not say anything. Nevertheless, it was a surprise to Brian how easy doing this had been. Justin doesn’t need to be with a lot of man, he learns. Brian could count in his one hand the number of guys he had scared away. He didn’t believe it at first, but then things had made sense for him. Justin just got over a relationship, or maybe he has always been this selective. He is busy and Brian wasn’t making it easier for men to come near him as well. He patted himself at the back, and cursed himself right away for doing so.

Brian wondered how his protectiveness had all begun, maybe it was because Justin just has something on him that brings out the protective side of everyone. Justin was Michelle’s baby, Justin was Sharon’s baby, he still was. Brian felt something weird at that thought, but he decided to ignore it. He and Justin had finally started becoming friends, and yes, his defensive side could root from his seemingly unhealthy crush on boy’laska that had been going on for a long while now. He blames it on the fan inside him that never seemed to go away, well, it wasn’t hard to know why he won’t either.

Brian’s thoughts are messy, moving on, competing against him hadn’t helped either. Seeing the epic tantrum live hadn’t help.

In a weird twisted way, which seems to be a very normal thing for Brian, seeing all those sides to Alaska and Justin, he had become more endeared. Some people would stop admiring someone when they got too close to see what’s really in there; however, for Brian’s case, an epic tantrum or ten couldn’t make him turn his back, it made him even more interested and fixated, as if not being able to keep his eyes away. Brian doesn’t see any problem with it for now, so he lets it be. Besides, they were finally becoming friends. Brian denies the fact that he’ s thinking of this a step closer to becoming something with Justin, something more. For now, he is contented.

Justin, of course, notices. He noticed how Katya and Brian’s presence had become a more constant thing in his life, how Brian seems to be a god of timing and always asks him to accompany him whenever he has a date or a seemingly interested trade around him. However, he chooses Brian anyways, so it’s not like he blames Brian if he hasn’t gotten laid for almost three weeks now. Brian’s company can never be bad for him. For now, he lets it be, albeit being confused.

They started to become closer the following shows, some promo for the currently airing All Stars 2, and the Christmas Queens tour also started, Justin would join Brian during his smoke breaks, although he had abstained from smoking, he knows how important Brian’s smoke breaks are for him, so Justin just brings his own pack of chocolates, usually they are from fans, while Brian finishes his pack of cigarettes. They talk about their plans after the tour, who Justin slept with, seeing, which is a rare topic since Justin had been lacking sexual encounters, Brian feels a bit guilty at that so he moves on to talk about a fan encounter, then the title Queen of snakes, then  geography, literature, Buddhist philosophies, music, the government, basically everything except what’s developing between them, in Justin’s case at least, sometimes Katya dances, and there were also times when they just sit at the pavement, enjoying the weather and the silent company of each other.

“You seem to have gained weight during this tour, Lasky,” Sharon approaches her once while they were preparing for their last show of the Christmas Queens Tour.

Alaska turned her head fast to look at Sharon, “Should I be concerned?”

Sharon chuckles then quickly replies, “No, baby, I mean you still fit your clothes alright,”

Justin was suddenly worried that maybe his carelessness would hurt Alaska once more, he tried to look back on all the chocolates he has finished, he thought of how he is getting older and his metabolism must be aging as well, and so he mentally organized a new diet plan and try out new routines. Katya could see that the comment had bothered Alaska, she had become silent looking in the mirror, so she decided to speak and distract the taller queen.

“I think it’s a good thing. Yes, no need to be worried. I was pretty concerned before that you are malnourished, and thank gawd that my smoke breaks made you eat chocolates. I should probably get on with that, tryna be sober by the grace of god himself, y’know. And maybe Greg would love some curves, it’s whateva” She said the latter part in her Trish accent, and everybody laughed, although the mention of a Greg made Alaska feel uneasy.

“Well, I’ll be sure to tell Greg when he’s out on parole that he’d be better off with me.” Ginger said after the laughter had died down, and Katya laughed again.

“Anyone would be better than Trish and her dumpster,” Sharon interjected, which made Katya laugh harder if that was even physically possible. Alaska would want to say something but she was confused and got stuck on a Greg.

“You all are too mean—too mean—too mean to my cousin,” Katya wheezed in between laughs.

“So… who’s Greg from Parole?” Alaska drawled beside Katya after she had calmed down, but the question made the Russian hooker laugh the loudest.

Alaska was genuinely confused now, she feels stupid, Justin feels stupid, she looked at Katya, then to everybody else, some were laughing, some were looking at her in disbelief as if saying gurl are you for serious. Well, Alaska would just want someone to answer her question.

“Wait, Lasky, baby, you really don’t know?” Sharon asked and Katya stopped laughing, and looked at Alaska. She frowned, the attention kind of made her a bit more self conscious.

“Yeah, I am for serious.” Alaska half drawled, half chuckled looking at everyone, “Are you dating someone and I did not know? I am offended, Miss Ka-tee-yuh.” She crossed her arms and did her half-pout, half-showing-all-her-teeth.

“AH! I am the offended one, Miss Thunderfun. Clearly I have mentioned Greg in my Trish videos.” And alright, Alaska feels stupid and embarrassed now.

“Oh,”

“Yeah, oh.” Katya just smirked at her.

“I thought Greg was, y’know, an actual guy,” Alaska tried to explain.

“Yeah, as if any guy, even someone from parole, would want this whore.” Ginger said as everyone went back to doing their own thing. Katya looks like she was about ready to defend herself when Alaska spoke up.

“Well, my roommate and my friends all want Katya, I mean” at that Katya looks at her “Oh, thank you! Joanne, I forgive you.” Katya runs to her with her arms wide open, ready to hug.

“And by your roommate and your friends, you don’t happen to mean your dear friend, Justin, now, don’t you Alaska?” Ginger tried and Katya stopped just as she was about to hug Alaska to look at Ginger, Alaska was taken aback, so she just chuckled and replied jokingly, “Well, I mean a princess- a queen rather- should be generous and giving, so,” she looks Katya from head to toe as if assessing her and continues, “so I wouldn’t mind, I think,” she smirked as she drawled out the last words. “OH! Is that an actual invitation, Margaret” Katya said too enthusiastically, looking really interested, and suddenly Alaska was too aware of how close Katya was in her vicinity.

The scene garnered laughs and some all hail my queen and some that’s why you’re not my queen, mostly from Ginger, a thank you kiss in the cheek from Katya, and a concerned gaze from Sharon.

“Alright, lesbians, show starts in 10 minutes, hurry up. Everyone complete? Feeling okay?” Michelle asked them, breaking everyone’s laughs, “I am ready, eager, and willing!” Katya answered. And just like that, Alaska feels the mood in the room change, and they have been on lots of shows together, but it never ceases to amaze Justin, the exact moment where their alter egos completely take over, and it’s all fun and sweat and jokes and artistry. Almost like Hakuna Matata.

The show went great, the numbers weren’t flawless but they are great, and the audience was all in for it, and that was great. Katya and Alaska’s banter was amazing, and everyone could feel their chemistry working for the greater good. Everyone noticed and they were all sold.

They did their final group number, thanked the audience, and had a quick photoshoot with everyone. For some reason, Katya and Alaska were extra close and clingy to each other, but Alaska has no problem with it, but maybe some have.

After the show they all and went their own ways. Alaska dedragged, took off his outfit and hair, put on some plain black sweatshirt and a pair of black Zara jeans, but he kept her mug on. He decided that he has time to do an aftershow and looked around for people to join him. He tried for the upper floor, expecting to see a Russian hooker, but failed to see one.

“Hiiieee, I’m doing the after show, would you like to join me?” he asked the crowd upstairs. But only got a collection of “Oh, honey, sorry I’m tired.” “Maybe someone else is fitted at doing it with you?” “Sweetie, sorry, but I want to go sleep.” “I can’t appear there I’m too drunk,” “too high,”

“Oh, that’s alright. Thank you.” he replies politely and looks around for someone else, possibly more willing. He thinks that maybe it is because of the recent All Stars 2 drama that’s why some of the Ru girls wouldn’t want to appear at her After Show. But he shoves all those thoughts at the back of his mind, and continues to look for someone.

He spots Sharon beside a window, Sharon spots him as well, and he waves. He approached Sharon as she puts down a call.

“Who was that?” Justin asks.

“Chad, just asking how I am,” Sharon gives Justin a tight smile.

“Oh, that’s good to hear, he’s taking care of you.”

“Yeah, well I’m pretty low maintenance,”

“Yeah right, gurl, low maintenance, you mean you’re just like y’know, a handful,” Justin’s mockery earns a slap in the arm from Sharon, and they both laugh.

“So what is it?”

“Oh yeah, would you like to do an after show with me?”

“You didn’t do it with Katya?”

“Oh, well, I haven’t seen her yet.”

“I think she’s downstairs, I saw her before going up, looking for better reception.” Sharon tells him.

“You mean you don’t want to do it with me?”

“No, not really, just, I know you Lasky, you want to be with Katya.” Sharon tells Justin the things he’s been avoiding to admit, and it just makes Justin feels uneasy; how well Aaron can still read him, and usually he’ll be thankful, but sometimes, it just rubs off on him the wrong way, like rubbing salt on still open wounds, he wasn’t aware he still has, or he had just numbed himself and forced himself to believe he is okay. Sometimes, it’s just a slap on the face how he still hasn’t completely moved on, and he thinks he never will, and he convinces himself that it’s okay, but it’s just frustrating to him to see Aaron doesn’t have that problem.

“Yeah, okay, maybe I want to be with Katya, or maybe you just don’t want to be with me.” Justin accuses Sharon, and he feels stupid.

“Lasky, baby—” Sharon starts.

“No, don’t call me that.”

“I’m sorry, Justin.” And just like that, the way Aaron says his name, it has changed, Justin doesn’t fear it anymore, he breathes, he hadn’t realized he had been holding his breath. This change, he finds doesn’t hurt him like he expected it would. He had overreacted, and he tries to understand why.

“God, I’m sorry. That was stupid.” Justin apologizes, Sharon looks at him, concerned, “I just, I don’t know what happened.”

“So, Katya, huh? Maybe we should start talking with her.” Sharon offers.

“Well, okay. Shut up,” Justin tries his voice, and looks at Sharon, Sharon just hums, encouraging him to proceed.

“It happened after that ex, not you, but you know.”

“The ex who shall not be named,” Sharon nods, and Justin laughs a little at that.

“Well, we had a moment, she gave me like a euphoria—no more like, an enlightenment while all those shit had been happening. It just helped me, and I feel indebted to her, and I kind of admired her from then on.” Justin tries to explain. Now, that he is saying it, it had been months since he realized he was interested in Brian. Maybe that’s why he was also having less sex and less satisfying sex, in his side, at least. He sighs, and tried to go back to his point, “well, yeah that’s about it with her, and just recently, I think some of the queens have been avoiding me due to the drama that had transpired during All Stars. But she doesn’t, although, you know, I can already hear the people saying, Katya was robbed, but she doesn’t steer away from me, and he’s just too fucking nice, and attractive.” Justin groans, feeling stupid and hopeless, rambling to his ex and bff.

Sharon just laughs, “Lasky, baby, I’m sure that you don’t really need my help, but I am here to support you, and you know, if it helps, I am always on your side, alright,” Sharon kisses his forehead, at that. Justin feels comfort and nostalgia, but he doesn’t feel a leap in his heart, he is not in love with Aaron. He smiles at Aaron, saying thanks, but what he did not see was Katya looking, passing by them, just at that moment.

“And Justin, you are a stubborn, passionate, and a competitive twink, if you know you want something, I’m sure you would get it, or you know, I’m sure you don’t let opportunities pass you by. It’s just how it is. Also, you’re rich, you have a college degree, and you’re gorgeous, so get up and do that after show” Justin laughs at how stupid they both are, but he does stand up to leave, and look for a Russian hooker.

“Thank you, Aaron.” He smiles one last time before walking away.

He went to the floor below, and he did find Katya, but she seemed to be calling someone or filming. She was doing some stretching and some talking about her jellies and good fashion, Justin watched her from afar for a while before approaching her.

She was talking about some tips on learning other languages when Justin approached her.

“How many diseases do you have? Well, mental or physical, there’s too many to list.” Katya says, her eyes not leaving the screen. Justin enters the frame, and Katya introduces him as Ricardo, and they threw jokes for a little bit. Justin read the things written on the screen, and understood that Katya is doing some sort of live.

“I have to do an aftershow,” Justin says, “Do it,” Katya immediately says.

“None of the girls upstairs want to do it with me,”

“I’ll do it.”

Justin tongue pops at that, he gets his phone and they had fun, recording live the recording of an aftershow, with none other than, Katya Zamolodchikova, is sure to be a great experience.

They recorded their newly practiced dance routines, talked about Courtney’s wigs and other things Katya’s wearing that was borrowed, Katya did some dancing and tried to teach Justin how to do the splits, and they just had a lot of fun.

Katya proceeds to list things she claims to learn about Alaska that day, and Justin doesn’t get most of it, so he becomes open about his confusion, and Katya seems to be enjoying herself, so for now, Justin is contented.

“Listen, we are becoming friends, and that’s a good thing,” Katya leans in and so does Justin, Katya pull Justin into a half embrace, while she speaks and Justin pulls off funny, kissy faces to the camera.

“Yeah, it’s good for the goose, it’s good for the gander,” Justin adds,

“Yeah, and it’s also good for the general public.” And Justin agrees. Katya is indeed one of the most terribly kind person he’s ever met, and he feels grateful for meeting her.

He thinks for a while, trying to digest Katya’s words, and he laughs, “what does that mean?”

“I don’t know, I had too many milk and cookies,” Katya answers, Justin treasures the conversation, nonetheless. And they were back at their stupid jokes again.

Justin tried to compliment Katya as a dancer, but he wasn’t sure if he should mention All Stars yet, so he didn’t. Justin just enjoyed the show Katya is doing, and just spending time with her. This is something that Justin wishes he always had. Katya, spending time with her, hearing Katya’s smoker laugh, making Katya laugh the loudest; Fuck, he wants Brian. And again, fuck him for being a longing, clingy, addicted Pisces. Then he thinks, Brian is a Taurus, are Pisces and Taurus a good match.

Katya is now laughing, and her laugh pulls back Justin in the moment, Justin tries to understand her humor and tries to impress her by riding her shticks and jokes, he’s proud to say he gets most of it, but he still worries he might be wrong. But he pushes the fears aside and tries to have fun. Then they talked about Gia Gunn’s and Laganja’s music for a while until Justin’s phone battery charge is extremely low and they decided to end the recordings, they said their goodbye’s to both cameras.

“Okay, say goodnight Courtney,” Justin puts Katya in the frame once more, “Good Night,” Katya says in either a terrible or a practiced accent, Justin couldn’t decide yet.

“Bye,” they both say.

“Well, that went well,” Justin says after he pockets his phone.

“Yeah, yeah, that was fun.” Katya chuckles for a bit.

“So, um yeah, um,” Justin feels stupid once more, all his confidence from talking to Sharon suddenly overpowered by the fear of losing this, this easy atmosphere with Katya. He is torn between not wanting to risk losing this and wanting more with Katya. She doesn’t know what, but she was probably about to do something stupid, thankfully Katya spoke first.

“Hey, you still owe me a Game of Thrones Marathon,” Justin stares dumbstruck at Katya, “I mean, just saying, we only have a few shows left, so,” Katya offers.

“Absolutely,” Justin drawls in her Gia Gunn voice, “I thought you’d never ask,” Justin wasn’t sure if that was just him or Katya seemed a little bit nervous as well. She chuckled and accidentally dropped her phone in the process.

Justin hurriedly went down to pick it up, and before he was able to get up, Katya grabbed the side of his face, kissed his temple, grabbed her phone, and said “I’ll see you later, Ricardo,” Justin immediately looks up, but Katya was already walking away. Justin looked around, confused, but also red as fuck. He can feel his face burning, but he chuckles anyway because Katya is confusing both sexually and emotionally, and Justin? Justin is sold.

//

Justin had finished his shower; he looks at the wall clock.

2: 13 a.m.

 He was starving.

He contemplated either ordering room service, calling Chipotle, or looking for the nearest 7/11. 7/11 always remind him of Brian, but he chooses the first one because he was too beat.

He ordered a salad and some vegetarian pizza; he was too tired to pick properly. He had some time to waste while waiting, so he closed his eyes for a bit, feeling exhaustion creep on him. He allowed himself a nap, figuring, his hunger won’t let him sleep that long and deep.

//

“You know; I would make all the snake emojis stop if I could. Although I did try,” Brian says too seriously for Alaska’s liking backstage while wiping away the last traces of Katya’s mascara, after a promo gig for All Stars they did together.

Alaska just laughs and focused on removing a very persistent nail, “yeah, but unfortunately you do not have the hypnotizing powers of the queen of snakes,” Brian now stares at her for a good few seconds, and Alaska had to look up and stop tugging at the nail, she appreciated Brian’s baby blues.

“I am serious here, Alaska.”

A beat. “I figured that out ,mama, thank you, but I am fine,” she tried ending the conversation there and return to tugging and biting off her nails when necessary.

She thought Brian had dropped the topic, but then she was being pulled around to face Brian. “Yeah? So then why are you not making any effort to remove Alaska? You know we’ll be heading out to dinner in a few minutes.”

Alaska was surprised by what Brian was implying. “It’s just- these nails are hard to pull off.” She drawls to try and lighten the mood.

“Well then, you wouldn’t mind if I help you wipe her away?” Brian says removing Alaska’s hair and setting it down at his now cleaned up desk.

“Um, yeah sure. Thanks.” Alaska hesitates for a second after pulling her final nail, but then Brian traps her by sitting on her lap.

“Well, I guess I’ll just enjoy this private show since you’re so eager, Mr. McCook.”

 Brian laughs at that, “Hard to break old habits, Mother” He adds in his Maureen voice and proceeded to wipe Alaska off, and let Justin breathe.

“I am sorry; you know that right?” Brian starts again, as he is now applying makeup remover to Alaska’s whole face.

 Alaska groans, the makeup remover is slightly warm on her face, she feels sticky, “I know, and it’s not even your fault–”

“It’s not your fault too,” Brian says, wiping away the now mixed, mashed, and messy make up colors on Justin’s face, hoping his doubts and insecurities would be wiped away along with it too.

“Except it is,” Justin contests which made Brian stop, and Justin opens his eyes now, which he immediately regrets, he could suddenly feel the sting in his eyes, he glances in the mirror beside them to avoid Brian’s blues, and he saw himself, Justin, free of the black and blue colors, uglier.

“You do not deserve any of that, Justin. I know it, and you should too” Justin was not prepared for the use of his own name, Brian grabs his face gently and forces Justin to look at him instead, everything suddenly felt too intimate, Justin wants to run and hide, but Alaska is no longer there.

Justin felt bare and ugly and he wants nothing but to either disappear or cry. He does the latter.

“Ahh, hall of famer, a crybaby. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” Justin rambled repeatedly as he tried to cover his face and stop himself from crying. But Brian takes his arms away and pulls him in his chest, “Sshhh, I know, and it’s not even your fault,” Brian drawls in an attempt to mimic Alaska just moments ago, but his embrace got tighter, and he started showering Justin’s head with kisses. Justin clings back.

When they break apart, Justin clings on to one of Brian’s arms, for support and, well, for other reasons. He looks into Brian’s blues and somehow gets lost in them, he wishes he could send the gratitude across.

“Usually, I can deal with it. I’ve learned how to, but, I just—like, you suddenly brought all these emotions within me, and I just lost it.”

“Are they hot and bothered emotions? I mean, I’ve always been open and experimental, I could do with a snake once—”

“Shut up, I thought we were having a moment. Will you let me finish?” Justin mock glares at Brian, and Brian makes a zipping motion with his hands.

“I’ve learned to own up to my mistakes, grow from them; it’s a work in progress, you know. But these days have just been terrible. I was expecting backlash, but not to this extent.  I haven’t talked to anyone about it, except for you.” Brian slides his arm to reach Justin’s hand now.

“To be perfectly honest, I am disappointed at some of your fans, I am a real fan, and I guess my opinions matter more since I am a fan, a colleague, a rival, and I could probably say I know you, and you know, you’re still my favorite.” Brian said, and then after a few moments of silence, he cracks an awkward and a nervous smile towards Justin, trying to get a response from him.

Justin had to laugh at that because Brian looks awkward, the timing is awkward, their positions are awkward, but he gets what Brian was trying to do. Usually Justin doesn’t understand Brian and Katya, but this time, it was hard not to get it. He wiped off his tears, pulled away from the hug, allowed a few beats of slience then sighed, “God, that was exhausting, I don’t feel like going out with the other girls now,” Justin says the confident drawl back on now.

“Alright, I’ll go tell them, so where do you wanna go?” Brian asks surprising Justin; he could probably never get used to Brian.

“Uhh, to my hotel, I guess, why?” Justin thinks, “Alright, I’ll just go te–” Just as Brian was about to stand from being sat on Justin’s lap, Joshua enters, with slight traces of Ginger on his face; he had probably hurried to dedrag to go out with the other girls.

“What’s taking you bitches too long—Oh, sorry?” Brian laughs and successfully stands up, Justin had to assist him since he was flailing a lot.

 Justin just gives Joshua a small smile, nearing apologetic. “I’ll just change my clothes,” Justin excuses himself as Brian calms down.

Justin walked away while Joshua asked what just happened. He did not need to hear what Brian had to say, he allowed him to have fun and get creative with his share of the story.

“So what was that about?” Joshua asked as he watched Justin walk away, then returns his confused gaze at Brian.

 “Nothing, really, I just helped Justin dedrag since he was taking forever, and gave him a much deserved show in the process to let him know how much I appreciate him and worship him.” Brian said raising his leg to a near 180 degree to emphasize his point.

Joshua just shakes his head, “I’m not gonna push further, since you are a stubborn old woman capable of thought, even though you are not completely rational. But, just be careful, Bri, you have a tendency to put people on pedestals or just you know, you can’t take care of yourself, that’s why you hate children, remember? Violet. Chachki. And well, you might have a type, but Alaska’s—Justin’s kind of like Jason, don’t you think?”

Brian looks offended for a second, “Thank you, I love keeping myself on my toes, it’s how I stay fit,” Brian moans and does a pose and smooches before laughing hysterically, but Joshua just glares at him and so Brian continues, “But um Justin is not like Jason. He’s actually the one who has the tendency to put people on pedestals, y’know, I mean with Sharon and all that, but not just with her. And maybe that’s why we’d be good for each other.” Brian pulls off a weird smile, and Joshua just looks at him at that.

 “OH! by the way, we are no longer coming with,” he suddenly remembers, he was just thankful he had something to steer away from the topic.

“What?! All this wait for nothing?” Joshua grunts and gives Brian a disbelieving look, “Well, we are complex female women worth the wait, mawma” Brian shrugs and pulls off his tongue pop-drop combo.

Justin returns and joins the two of them, hair uncombed, wearing a Black Divine shirt, black jeans from Zara, Dickies shoes, and he is wearing his glasses. Brian thinks Justin looks miserable, exhausted, but very edible.

 He also realized he had been staring when Joshua cuts his train of thought off, “Alright, lesbians, we’re gonna go ahead, have a good fuck!” he said as he walks off.

“Of course, I’ll be sure to tell you first all the gruesome details later!” Brian shouts back just before Joshua disappears from the hallway.

Justin looks at him, confused, “I told him we won’t be going,” as if to answer Justin’s question.

“We? So you’re not coming with them?” Justin looked even more confused as he combed his hair by his fingers, his fingers are very long and lean and his hair looked smooth and soft, Brian wanted to put both things into his mouth. He pushed that thought aside, and backtracked on Justin’s question.

“Well, I can’t leave you now, I have taken you under my custody, dearest Joanne Elizabeth Thunderfun.” Justin laughs at that, albeit still confused.

“You don’t have to do this, Katya. I’m fine.”

“I want to, unless, do you not want me to?

“Alright, mother, where to?” Justin sighs, playing along with Brian.

 “I thought you said your hotel?”

“Please, I wouldn’t wanna bore you,”

“OH! I could never bored because I am always in my company, Margaret!”

“Well, alright, I’ll call an uber.”

They didn’t speak during the uber ride. They paid half of the uber ride, since Brian insists that dating shouldn’t make any special financial expectations, plus, since, they are both grown-up financial successes.

“So, is this finally a date, Mr. McCook? Pretty bold move, taking a lady into a hotel for the first one,” Justin teases, once they were inside the elevator.

“Oh, darling, it is anything you want it to be, it might be the last one, so we gotta make sure, we get the most out of our date, don’t we?” Brian winks at him, using his old man accent. They both laugh at that. “I mean I don’t know, you tell me what you want this to be,” Justin could feel the atmosphere turning into a frighteningly serious one, at that moment, but then Brian adds, “I’m just the hooker after all, your wish is my command.” As Brian traps Justin into the elevator, the doors open in their floor, and some passengers get in, they got out, laughing.

“God, I feel like I’m in high school or something,” Justin says after they have calmed down. Brian wheezes at that, but instead of waiting for him to calm down, Justin grabs Brian’s sweaty hands, and brings him to his room.

Justin didn’t waste any moment, he pinned Brian by the wall, grabbed both his arms above his head, and whispered into his ear, “Well then, Kitty Kat, darling, here’s what I want.” A pause. Justin makes sure to look straight into Brian’s eyes. “Own me, tell me what to do, you decide, I’m leaving everything up to you.” Justin could see it, the point when lust consumes Brian’s eyes, he’s sure he’s pretty much the same. Whatever was building up between them culminates here. Justin hopefully gets an answer to some of his questions, and he is erratic just at the thought.

Justin was about to kiss Brian, but then the older man speaks and Justin could feel his breath in his lips, “Watch Contact and chill?” Justin was shocked and contemplated whether Brian was joking or not. He halted completely and abruptly. He looked at Brian disbelievingly for a long moment.

This was the time when Justin takes Brian’s offer of a fucking that day in Logo. This was the time when Justin wanted Brian’s help in this aspect, to clear things and feelings up, an escape, probably a key to a future with Brian, and Brian offers to watch Contact with him.

Justin feels rejected. The way Brian rejected him was very Brian. Maybe that was his answer, but he studies Brian’s face again, and sees something there. Then, Justin decides, he can wait for Brian.

Then Justin remembers how he cried to Brian a while ago, and Justin got what he was trying to do. He trusts the smaller queen.

Brian did not want to take advantage of him, and risk their friendship. Brian was just as scared. And his action spoke volumes now.

Were they in a different situation, Brian would have jumped on Justin already. They wouldn’t be having this conversation. No words would have even been spoken. By now, Brian would probably be already eating him out; however, this was Alaska. It was Justin. This was the moment Brian had dreamed and drooled about. He remembers watching Alaska from afar, pre- drag race, in front of a screen, in the corners of a crowded club, in his wet dreams, just to wake up and masturbate on said dream. This was an opportunity to make his fantasies come true. The waist he has longed to embrace, the lips he has longed to kiss, the neck he had stared at for hours long, the legs he imagined to weigh on his shoulders, the man he had longed to worshipped; he was there, all right in front of him, like a prize dangling, waiting for him to grab; however, this was also Justin.

The mastermind behind the uncrackable and untouchable Alaska, whom he had admired, and still do. The man who made focusing on All Stars very difficult for him. The man who hid behind Alaska. The human boy who hid behind the alien princess. The broken boy who Brian saw fall apart a while ago. No matter how confident Alaska was, Justin could never erase the hurt boy inside him; it would always be there, and Brian witnessed him about an hour ago. Brian saw Justin, and he knew he cannot further break the already fragile boy.

Were it on a different context, if Justin had invited him, he wouldn’t even have to think about it. Justin would not even need to ask. However, right now, Brian wants to take care of him in a different way, and so he does that and admits that to Justin, minus the masturbation and the creepy stalker parts.

Brian released Justin’s grip on his arms and kissed Justin’s knuckles. “I’m sorry, what a bummer, right, but I swear, I don’t usually prefer Contact over sex, especially if the sex is from a gorgeous Glamazonian Princess, but this is– different.” Brian doesn’t say special because he doesn’t want to freak Justin out, but this was special, for him at least. “This movie just has a lot of meaning to me,” Brian chuckles at that, “and it has helped me before, and I don’t know, it might help you.” I want to help you, Brian looks at Justin’s eyes, still holding his hands on his, and kisses them again.

Justin trusts Brian.

“Alright,” Justin concedes, and Brian smiles at him. Justin was glad he agreed. “I did say lead the way, Dr. Arroway.” Brian slaps him at his joke while laughing uncontrollably.

Justin thinks he didn’t lose, he had a lot of questions answered tonight.

They had finished watching Contact, which for a sci-fi movie tugs more at the spiritual and emotional strings of the audience. Justin thinks Brian had cried, but who was he to judge, it was a good movie. Maybe Brian completed the experience, so Justin might be a bit biased, but it’s fine, he thinks.

“I would like to thank the Goddess, Rupaul, that someone, not just someone, but a favorite of mine, had finally finished Contact with me.” Brian smiled at him then after the end credits rolled.

Justin finds it funny, Brian with some tear stains, thanking Rupaul just because Justin watched Contact with him, so Justin laughs, “Don’t tell me no one has watched Contact with you before?” Justin challenges Brian, but Brian shakes his head, “Not even Trixie?”

“Especially not her.” Brian says, “OH! She probably hates me just for bringing it up, yep, that’s a fact.”

“Well, you do have a tendency to be weirdly persistent and addicted,” Justin drawls, and Brian slaps him in the arm then laughs.

“Oh! Hard to break old habits, sweetie, and you know that too. Besides, you should be consoling me, and not justifying her choices. Don’t tell me you don’t think it’s a good spiritual movie about finding God, romance, family, and science and dead fathers by the beach.” Brian says while rubbing the area in Justin’s arm he slapped.

“Well if it wasn’t, it’ll be an awful waste of time,” Justin smirks while giving it his best Palmer Joss accent.

Brian’s face lit up, “AMEN! See this is what I mean, there would be more inside jokes after watching Contact, people would get me more. Trixie and I would make more money, and we don’t have to treat my obsession to it like a pitiful disease, Barbara!”

“Clever girl,” Justin laughs loudly at his terrible Haiden impression, and Brian joins him.

“I need a smoke,” Brian says after he had calmed down. “Can I do it at your shower, I’d like to take a shower as well, mawma.”

“Yeah, go ahead, I’ll lay here and contemplate what I’ve watched for a while longer. I’m still expecting to have that life changing realization to dawn over me.” Justin replies.

“I’m expecting a five-paged essay on how the movie had impacted your life by the time I am out. Good luck, and don’t fuck it up!” Brian starts with his Ru impression.

“There’s a reason why Ru impersonation is Trixie’s thing, not yours,” Justin teases and Brian just slams his face with a pillow, and Justin just laughs. Once he removes the pillow on his face, Brian is already by the bathroom door, who seemed to be arranging something. Justin grabs his phone and snaps a photo of Brian, candid and distracted.

 Brian was pretty dark in the photo since the bathroom lights were very bright, but Justin loved the shot nevertheless. He decided to send it to the AAA girls group chat. When no one replied, Justin closed the chat, thinking that his friends were probably on a gig or are getting laid. He sighs.

He looks at the clock, 2:13 a.m.

It’s pretty late, but he has a day off tomorrow. Justin wasn’t sure about Brian’s schedule though. He feels physically exhausted, but his brain is very much alive. And it’s killing him. He tries to look back on how his day went. Lights, crowds, friends, gifts, fans, lights, Brian. Brian. Brian. Stupid Brian and his Contact.

Justin chuckles, but then he remembers what led them to watch Contact, and Justin had set rules. Rules that he knows are supposed to keep him and Alaska safe and sane. But for now, he decides to break one.

Justin opened his Instagram and twitter again, he viewed Katya’s congratulatory message, and cried. Katya included a picture of Alaska wearing, what seemed to be Trish’s wig. He stared at the picture for too long, debating whether to scroll down or not, as he was about to scroll down, Brian appears in one of his ‘your-makeup- is-terrible’ shirt and boxers and grabs his hands.

“Promise me not to do this to yourself anymore.” Brian sounded angry and strict. He slowly pries the phone away from Justin’s slender fingers, wipes away his tears, he forgot he shed, and hugs him. Brian smelled like cigarettes, green apples, mint and sandalwood. Justin doesn’t know what sandalwood smells like actually, but he thinks it fits Brian, he seems very stable and earthy and woody and dependable, in a calming way. Something like makes you feel at home, like maybe a wooden house, a cabin, with those cozy lightings, lots of ventilation, with a fire pit, and comfortable pillows, cushions, and carpets, and really mellow sepia-ish lights. Justin thinks he wants that as a home.

“You were quick.” Justin tries to change the topic.

“I had to get a new stick.” Brian knows what Justin is doing, but he won’t let him this time. Not around him, never, so he sits and continues to look Justin in the eye.

“I just—Thank you, Kat.” Justin sighs in the hug, and he wanted to cry again, but he stops. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry, bitch. I’m not an angry person, but this makes me angry.” Brian pulls away from the hug and Justin misses his scent and presence already, “You should be celebrating, you should be happy… is my presence making it harder for you?” Brian suddenly realizes, and Justin immediately shakes his head, and grabs his hands.

“No, I’m glad you’re here, with me. I don’t know why I’m extra sensitive today,”

“Are you on your period?”

“I’ve taken my pills, mother!” Brian squeals at that, Justin can make Brian laugh for some reason. No matter what Justin or Alaska says, there is a 98% chance Brian would laugh at it. Luckily, Justin is kinda liking how Brian’s laugh sound despite it sounding alarmingly unhealthy.

“Thank you for putting up with me, a brat. Really, Brian Joseph McCook, thank you.” Justin assures Brian by drawing circles inside his palm and just caressing them, “thank you for providing me the best services, I’d be sure to call you again once I want a hooker.” Justin proceeds to kiss his palm, and Brian can’t help but laugh at that, and he hugs Justin and they eventually tumble down the bed.

They stayed there, just laying down, in each other’s embrace. Justin fell asleep first, too tired to stay awake, thinking he could never want anything more. He could never get tired of Brian, and he wishes Brian doesn’t get tired of him too.

Brian hates children, but for some fucked up reason, he wanted to protect and care for this brat. He doesn’t think about it too much, and decides it must be because of maternal instinct, since he is in fact an actual woman.

Justin woke up to a note saying Brian had to leave for a flight to Rio, and Justin smiled upon seeing that beside it is a glass of orange juice with another note attached to it saying, “an orange a day because it’s god’s (rupaul) favorite, and it’s the new black, mama. You can contact me by looking for the statics.” Justin had to laugh at Brian’s dorkiness.

He took a picture of the notes and the orange juice and sent it to Brian, “This’ll do as compensation for last night.”

He was notified that Willam and Shane had replied to his photo.

William: Who’s the trade girl

Caughtney: Isn’t that Katya

W: Really?

Justin replied, “Yeah, we were together last night.”

W: Cool, he’s good, real sport, very attentive, we shared a dick once

C: I’ve always known he is generous and giving to charities

W: So you’re saying Lasky’s a charity

A: We didn’t do anything

C: No, Will. What do you mean?

W: He denied you the dick?

C: But gave to Willam oh

W: Bitch shut up, you’re just jealous

A: No, yes, but

Justin contemplated on what to say. It’s not like Brian had rejected him. Brian had respected him and taken care of him, in a different way. He sits up, takes the notes, folds them and slips them into his phone case.

W: Girl is this a problem

C: I’ll be with him tonight, want me to beat him up?

W: Yeah bet you’d like that Court, beating up for you probably means fuck him for Alaska as a revenge

C: Lasky, you just need to ask

A: You whores! No and no.

A: It was kind of a rough night

W: How is that possible without the fucking

A: Really, girl

A: We didn’t do anything besides watch Contact and cuddle

Willam and Shane had stopped replying after that, and he got a reply from the devil herself.

Katy: I thought we had established last night as a successful soul searching event

Justin smiles at the message he received; he thinks of a reply as he sips on his orange juice. The juice had bits of pulps, he replies:

A: Was the orange juice freshly squeezed?

He got an instant reply.

K: Yes, I didn’t know what you’d like, princess, I apologize.

Justin thinks he could get used to Princess.

A: Well then, consider it a success.

A: btw what’s your permanent address?

K: Oh, the hotel room don’t seem enough for our next session?

A: yes I would like to have another and a more private session, please

Justin hopes that doesn’t scare Brian, and as he was typing his sorry, I’m kidding message, he got Brian’s address, with a see you there and a set of well selected emojis, as a reply.

K: Can I ask why you really asked for it

A: I thought you liked surprises, go home, and see for yourself.

Justin leaves it at that. He proceeds to google where is the nearest post office from his hotel.

//

Justin opens his eyes upon hearing a knock on his door. He let the staff enter and deliver his food, thankful that the person does not recognize him or if they did, opted not to gush on him. Most times, Justin would appreciate fans and let them take photos even if it meant pausing a personal conversation with his mom; however, there were days when Justin wasn’t Alaska, and wanted to be away from all that in the moment.

The staff asks him if he needs anything else, he says no and thanks them by tipping them.

Justin passes by the mini vault he brings with him which contains all of the mails and postcards Brian had sent him over the months. He still looks at them when he needs some encouragement and motivation. Katya’s web series episodes were motivational enough; however, he treasures these more personal ones. He sees the staff out and caught a glimpse of the hallway of the hotel. He wasn’t able to look at it a while ago, but the walls were covered in white and the whole floor was carpeted.

I want to kiss you in a hallway in Aspen.

He shuts the door, and sits down to eat.

As he was eating the pizza, he tries to remember when did the letters he receives in his home had become letters from home. He thinks of when did home became a pair of blue eyes surrounded by black eye shadow and a set of perfect pearly white teeth.

//

The snow outside looked so white and pristine, just like a certain Russian hooker’s teeth, which is in full display now, as he is gritting them through the cold or maybe laughing at a joke Alaska just made. Either way, Alaska wanted to give him warmth ASAP. The man is dying, he needs it more than her.

Everyone saw what happened in Aspen. It was well documented by their snaps and Instagram stories. They had a lot of fun. They had finished a whole set of activities, contests, performances, and shoots and an After Show in a cable ride together. Alaska and Katya had enjoyed each other’s company. They know they have great chemistry, and they have grown really really close. Everyone could see their chemistry and everyone was feeding off of it. Aspen was a well documented trip, except it’s really not, and no one knew what happened outside of those videos, not even Alaska nor Katya.

They are currently waiting at the hotel lobby, so Alaska decides to stick beside Katya, and flush their bodies as much as possible without it being too uncomfortable.

The sudden contact and warmth had surprised the smaller queen, but it wasn’t unwelcomed. She was grateful actually more than anything. This has been a dynamic that had developed within their interactions. Katya first attempted to offer help and take care of Alaska, and of course she reciprocated it.

Katya learned that in a weird and unexpected way, it was natural for Alaska to take care of others. Maybe it had been more evident before during Sharon and her reign as the royal couple, probably one of the factors as to why they broke up. Alaska may have a tendency to put people on a pedestal, before maybe, but that’s not really none of Katya’s business. Now, she just thinks of it as women supporting women, and that’s wonderful, involves no blurred thoughts and feelings, less complicated, easier. But Katya cannot really deny the attraction that she has been developing for the other queen. Of course, she just wanted to fuck her. Hell, they almost got to it before. She was a huge fan of Alaska, even before Katya entered drag race. She still is, despite her view and knowledge on the alien princess expanding, she still admires her. The intense admiration, almost like hero worship, going on before may have been replaced with an actual good, healthy, and solid friendship.

Alaska had grown prettier and prettier every year, more refined. Katya could really see the growth of the queen. Before, she might say she would be jealous of the queen, but now, she had seen what Alaska had gone through, how mush shit Justin had to put up with. She now has access to the growth of the queen underneath the surface, the evolution of Justin. In some way, Justin had inspired him.

Alaska is, indeed, very pretty, and Justin was actually already pretty as well. And Katya wanted to taste him and eat him alive, make him scream. All Stars really gave her a taste of power, and she especially loved the power she had over Alaska, watching her crumble. To see the queen, you have admired and worshipped for so long break and confirm that they are actually human, and just maybe you had a chance with them did things to Katya. She thinks she needs to untuck now. The close proximity of Alaska with her and the cold is not really helping her case as well. She can’t wait to get into her room and masturbate at the thought of Alaska and/or Justin, she’s not really picky, become a whining moaning hot mess under her.

Alaska could see Katya become uneasy, maybe the contact is making her uncomfortable. She steps away to break contact, but then Katya grabs her arm, and actually pulls her closer and tighter at her side.

“I’m sorry. It’s cold, and I really want to untuck right now.” Katya whispers right next to her, and acting fidgety which proves her statement.

“Ooh, why don’t you come on here and fuck me in the ass sometime?” Alaska summons her Mae West back in a whisper, and she could see it still works.

“Is that an actual offer or are we looking at a potential case of the blue balls?”

“It won’t be potential if it’s already blue isn’t it?”

“Point taken,” Katya breaks the silence du to laughter at that.

“Ugh, there’s just no one here, mama.” Katya continues and now proceeds to lean her head on the taller queen’s arm. “Can I be honest with you?”

“Go ahead, darling. I know you, I’m prepared with your potentially creative and daredevil sex fantasies” Alaska drawls, trying to convince Katya she won’t judge by petting her head and playing with her hair.

“Okay, I was actually thinking of masturbating to thoughts of you, in the workroom, just crumbling down,” Katya says in one breath, Alaska almost did not catch it.

Alaska was at a much better place now, she can now confirm that because the sudden reference to her tantrum did not bother her in that way, although Katya’s mention of it had made her hot and bothered.

“Yeah? What would you be doing to me in your fantasy?” Alaska challenges in her Mae West voice.

Katya stares at her, “Oh, bitch—”

They had gone into their hotel room earlier than the others, and every fantasy Katya had enumerated a while ago, they fulfilled.

Brian has been a constant in his life, his presence had become a norm for Justin, a necessity even that it scares him sometimes. Brian’s touch was equally as familiar to him, however, this was foreign to him. How Brian sounds like near to completion, how his brows would furrow as he shuts his eyes in pleasure, how dominant he could be, but it was still Brian. He was still as attentive as ever and beautiful, covered in sweat, muscles flexing. Justin finds everything oddly exhilarating. He knows he has started to develop more complex feelings for the people’s princess, but he doesn’t want to admit to it completely yet, scared that he would lose this, lose him. Was he already losing him by having sex with him? Justin wanted to panic, but Brian was pulling out, Justin could feel his cock had rested on his entrance. And this was killing him, he missed the feeling of Brian inside him, he needs to be filled by him now, both in his thoughts and in his ass; he couldn’t help but whine.

“I can hear you thinking, you’re practically vibrating, pretty hard not to notice when I’m inside you,” the older queen says in a raspy voice, biting into his ear, and Justin is riled up even more. “Brian, please. I was just thinking about you,” he moans, trying to thrust his own hips to feel any friction, but Brian held his waist firmly in place, Justin was sure it could leave a mark.

“Stop thinking, I’m here, baby,” Brian kisses his temple, and tightens his grip on Justin’s waist to slam back in, followed by consistently earnest thrusts, Justin couldn’t help but not think and give in to the sensations.

Sex, of course, had always been exhilarating, but this was different, the knowledge that Brian was with him, in this moment, makes his heart beat a thousand times faster; he was sure it’s not because of the overflowing sensations he’s currently experiencing. It’s because of Brian. Brian kisses him, and he worries he might actually die because of sex. Sure, he might find it funny, were it another time, but he could feel so many underlying conversations they are having by their current actions. He hopes that it is not only true in his side, and fuck, he is actually in love.

Now, they lie in their bed, cuddling, satisfied, and exhausted. They didn’t talk, too exhausted to even be able to stay awake to clean up.

Their limbs had tangled all together, Justin’s long ones mainly embracing Brian. Their faces still have traces of make up. Getting out of their clothes was the priority last night, completely getting out of drag, not really.

They don’t talk about it after. It was just some good casual sex, Brian tells himself, and he believes it’s the same for Justin. So, Brian did not feel the need to wake him up when he needed to leave earlier. He didn’t think about it, didn’t have to feel guilty or anything, but then it was his good friend, Justin, who is probably still hung up on some aftermath of All Stars.

They’re close, they’ve grown really close, so Brian knows that this means nothing more than being good judies to each other. It may even be just a one-time thing, just the culmination of the tension brewing between them before because of all the environmental stressors and stimuli. And as a man as a woman, when exposed to stimuli, you act accordingly, especially when it was sexual stimuli. Brian proceeds to pack quietly and leaves for his next gig.

They didn’t talk, so when Justin wakes up with a cold bed and the absence of a certain Russian hooker, he tries to not think too much about it. Brian has always believed in free love, and this was just another exhibit. No need to actually get hurt or overreact. He needs to just be chill, and proceed with his day.

//

Justin has finished his meal, and is already feeling the chill in his hotel room. He decided to get under the sheets and go through social media.

He sees a video of Katya tagged with a trixya tag. He clicks on it. The video is of Katya stating that he would just prefer if Trixie Mattel were her boyfriend. Sure, it was to keep the fans happy and Trixie and her were good friends, Sharon and Alaska were that close too. It was all done in good nature, nothing to hurt Justin, plus, it’s kind of marketing. It would have been fine were it any other day, he would be able to laugh at it, and move on; however, three days ago happened. Justin had fucked up, and he is actually potentially looking of Trixie and Katya getting together.

//

A few weeks after Aspen, Justin received a video call from Courtney; Justin decided to answer as he was still waiting for Adore. They will be talking about a show that Adore had mentioned to him. He sat at a comfortable chair and placed his laptop on a table. He hit accept, and the screen loaded for a bit until Courtney appeared.

“Hiiieee” Courtney greets him.

“G’day mate.” Justin replies.

 After knowing Justin’s tiny-huge-crush-on-a-Russian-whore-situation, the remaining 2/3 of the AAA girls decided to hop in and “help” him.

They decided to have a nice little chat, while, obviously, waiting for a certain Russian whore. Courtney was chilling at a backstage of some bar after, Justin assumed. While Courtney was talking about the latest straight guy she’d fucked or who had fucked her, the said Russian whore appeared. Justin was about ready to jump for joy until he saw that Katya was not alone for the night. Just as soon as his heart had flown, as soon as it had also fell. Courtney gave him a sorry look, but proceeded on interviewing Katya and the guy out of formality and for some insight as well. While Courtney was doing so, Justin studied the guy, now, Justin was rarely insecure when it comes to his physical appearance. He is even more confident when he’s Alaska; however, he can’t fight back the desire to be shorter, more tan, and muscular at the moment. He sighs on the screen, and that must have gotten Katya’s attention because she went nearer the camera and saw Justin. Katya bid a peck goodbye to her lover, and brought back her attention to Courtney and Justin.

“Hi.” Katya starts.

“Hi.” Justin answers, “so how was he?” he can’t help but ask.

“Oh, thank god you didn’t ask for the name, I forgot to ask, but I’d probably call him Roberto, cousin of Ricardo.” Katya grinned at him in the screen, and Justin could swear Katya’s teeth are always bright and perfect even in 480p. Katya proceeds to talk about Roberto’s performance, and Justin left that to Courtney, his mind now wandering somewhere else, leaving the juicy details as a background noise. He processes what Katya had said, and he hates how much just knowing that Katya didn’t bother to ask for his name made him feel lighter and at ease.

Justin thinks of his place, how Brian sees him. They weren’t exclusive. No, it was just one night. All they ever did was hung out a lot and every time they get a chance, send each other stupid mail, and Justin have Brian take care of him. Justin had jumped to conclusions, of course. His brain always getting ahead of him. Justin feels stupid. Katya wouldn’t be celibate for him. Katya doesn’t even do relationships. He was the only one who avoided sex and contact from other men, even in music videos. He asks himself why did he do that, and suddenly he felt déjà vu. He remembers something like this has happened before. Somehow, the memory still involved Katya. Justin just sighs. He remembers he was talking to Katya and Courtney when it got quiet. Katya had finished telling a chapter of her psychosexual melodrama, and noticed Justin wasn’t listening. Both of them were just looking at him now.

“Sorry, what was it?” Justin apologized.

“OH! Do you want me to start from the beginning? What parts did you miss?” Katya asked, very eager to share her encounter. Justin’s face fell, was the guy really that good or does Katya enjoy tormenting Justin. Katya saw how Justin’s face fell, but before she was able to ask about it, Courtney already speaks her disgust for the retelling in a dramatic way, and Justin was laughing again. Katya was glad that Justin was laughing.

“So what are you up to, Miss Thunderfun?” Katya asks.

“Nothing much–” “Actually, he’s at a hotel preparing to bang someone, or be banged by someone” Justin was cut off by Courtney.

Justin glares at Courtney for a while. Katya’s interest was piqued at that. He had stopped policing Justin’s sexual life by now, but she’s still curious. “Oh, really? With whom? Might be a special one since it seems it’s been long since you got laid, since Aspen if I am not mistaken.” She had teased.

“And whose fault do you think that is?” Justin replies at a softer tone, but laughs anyway, so Katya just laughs with him.

They all heard Justin’s door open, then close, signaling Adore’s arrival, but Courtney and Katya don’t know that.

“Oh, he’s here.” Justin says.

“And, this is it ladies and ladyboys, the moment we have been waiting for, Justin’s next fuck is…” Courtney screams from the screen, and Justin is sure Adore heard it, since he stopped hearing footsteps. A beat. “Me!” Adore jumps and poses from the hallway into everyone’s view. Justin was expecting to see Adore, but Danny probably didn’t have any gig, or didn’t have time to put even make-up on due to a hangover from some party. Justin just chuckles and shakes his head as he hears whistles and laughs from the screen.

Danny walks up to him in a seductive manner, locking eyes with Justin. Justin decided to get into his gig, and focused on Danny, he turned his chair, back facing the screen, eyes never leaving Danny’s. Danny finally stopped in front of him. He seemed to be enjoying giving everyone a show. He cupped Justin’s face while sliding into his lap.

Katya was untucked and he could feel his member grow interested. The fact that Justin wasn’t facing them made it difficult for him, since his imagination went rampant, especially since he had already had a taste of Justin. He remembers Justin’s face as he came, the sounds he made, how soft his lips were on his, and oh how soft they could feel on his cock. Fuck. He opened his eyes, not remembering when he had closed it, when Danny spoke on the screen again.

“You didn’t tell me you were inviting me for a fuck, Lasky. I would’ve exerted more effort.” Danny said, voice loud enough to make sure the ones on the screen heard it too.

“Bitch, I’ve never seen you exert effort before.” Justin replies mockingly, wrapping his hands on the mermaid’s waist. Danny laughed at that hugging Justin for support. “You, bitch.”  When Danny stood up from Justin’s lap, Katya looked confused, while Courtney was laughing.

“Hey guys. Katya, Courtney, what’s up?” Danny said, leaning into the screen.

“Hey Dan,” Courtney greets.

“Wait, so you two weren’t gonna fuck?” Katya says, as a form of greeting perhaps.

“Do you want them to?” Courtney asks Katya, completely amused.

“Well, I mean they could while we do too.”

Danny laughs at Katya’s reply and laughs harder when he sees Courtney’s face, and Justin moves closer to the screen as well leaning on Danny’s shoulder. “Ha! I wish we could fuck, but no, silly, we’re just here to conceptualize.” Danny huffs, looking at Justin then back to the screen, “this guy is being celibate for some reason, but it’s cute. See, we’ve been spending a few days together recently, and he rejects all the dick, long lines of them, avoids touching anyone at least. I don’t think I can break the spell, I tried, and as you’ve seen, he just read me in exchange.”

“I am not being celibate,” Justin lifts his head from where it was rested on Danny’s shoulders, trying to think of a way to defend himself. It’s just that after Aspen, Justin never really felt enticed, unless it was a pair of baby blue eyes, a set of pearly white perfect teeth, flexible joints, a bony dwarf, and someone not there. “I’ve just been busy. Unlike you, I don’t have a Bianca, so I have a lot of things on my brain.”

“Yeah, right, sweetie. I’ll pretend you didn’t just go season-3-sugar-daddy on me. But at this rate, your pussy’s gonna dry up. And the prince charming you’re reserving it for won’t like it anymore. I don’t even think the prince charming is even worthy, I mean it’s been so long. He should notice by now,” Danny says obliviously.

“The prince charming is worthy, mind you.” Justin counters. He looks at Katya then, they lock eyes, and he panics. He turns to divert his look at Courtney, and she has the look of pity in his eyes. Justin feels stupid. Danny doesn’t know, Katya doesn’t know, Brian doesn’t know, Justin repeats to himself like a mantra.

“Well, alright, how would I know, you never introduced me to him.” Danny replies and Justin breathes at that.

Katya was more interested now, apparently Justin wasn’t looking for a fuck because he has found a prince. This was news to her. A prince he has never mentioned to Danny nor to her.

The idea did something to Katya’s chest, not her breasts, but the area where her lungs and heart are caged.

Brian was all about sharing love, giving sex, but the thought of Justin going steady with someone, even finding a good fuck had left a bad taste in his mouth. Then, everything clicks in his head. Why just now. Sure, he has never been good with science nor math, but that’s not the point. He is faced with a much bigger elephant in his head. It’s like a tsunami had hit him and memories of mails, jet-lagged phone calls, aspen, of a certain alien flooded his brain.

Barbara is in love, has been, for a while now. Fuck, he mentally curses. Sometimes, Brian is too in the moment, he’s so oblivious. He could already hear Brenda laughing at him for discovering the truth he had worked so hard to avoid like, maybe Katy Perry.

“Aww, Little Lasky’s in love.” Courtney comments beside Katya, and that pulls her back to the crashing reality: Brian is in love with Justin, and Justin is in love too, with a prince charming possibly not Brian because a) nothing is princely about him, and b) he doesn’t know, maybe if Justin was into him, he’d know it by now.

Brenda was suddenly noisy; Brian wants to breathe, and Katya doesn’t know what to do. He suddenly wanted a smoke, but then he remembered his smoke breaks with Justin. He curses himself. He wanted to get to his hotel, but he was so used to having Justin with him in hotels now. He doesn’t know what to do, he feels himself cracking, breaking, so he does what he can do for now.

Katya stood up, flashed a smile, and excused herself.

“I think I’m calling it a day. The trade was a handful, demanding, whiny, but worth it.” He tries for laughs, and it worked, except for Justin. He looked at Justin, mistake one. He didn’t seem amused; he seemed worried, assumptions, mistake two.

“Now, are you sure you’re talking about the trade or Lasky here?” Danny adds to the joke, embracing said person in a half-hug. Katya seemed to consider the question for a moment; she was taken aback by the appropriateness of the question, mistake three. He wanted to hug Justin too, to be there with him, right now, yearning, mistake four.

“No, I’m pretty sure Alaska’s not like that. I remember her as attentive, receptive, warm, gorgeous, and worth more than it.” Katya can’t help the reply, it came off as aggressive and pissed, and surely, everyone just stared at her; irrational and awkward jealousy, mistake five.

“Hey, I’m sure you’re beat, I mean tired, not your mug, but are you sure you’re alright?” Justin was the first one to break the awkward silence, attempting for a joke, Katya just stared at him. She was glad the silence was over, but she still has to answer Justin. I’m not okay, please come to my hotel tonight and hold me. I love you. I’m sorry. She wanted to say all that, instead she smiles, “Yeah, old men just have to rest their crumbling scarce bones, you know. Plus, same, I mean I’m also kind of struggling with the fact that I’m in love. So, see you.” She used an accent, a cover up. Justin knows that. Justin understood that whatever it was, Brian is trying to hide it from everyone. Justin was so fixated on how Brian used an accent that he almost missed the part when Brian said he was struggling and in love.

With that, Katya grabs her stuff and walks away. Courtney bids them goodbye as well, but promises to talk to Justin later, especially about Aspen.

“Um so I see I’ve offended prince charming?” Danny asks after Justin had closed his laptop. Justin gives him a small smile.

“He’d come around. He’s not mad at you.”

“Are you mad at me?”

“Of course not, sweetie. I’m actually sorry I haven’t told you.”

“No, you don’t owe me anything. Besides, I kind of get why you would like to keep your feeling private or a secret. Look at where it got me with Roy. The fans were happy and it made them interested, so that was a plus, but I don’t have him.” Danny looks down on the ground, and he looked so small. Justin had to hug him; he was aware that Danny indeed had a crush on Roy, but Roy says that he’s too young, so they decided to stay as best friends. In a way, Justin understands Danny, he’s kind of been there with Sharon, having to transform romantic, sexual, passionate love into a more tamed and family-friendly one.

“Sure, you have him. You see, when we created Adore DeLaska and we got such a positive response from fans, they began shipping us; I mean he actually warned me not to fall in love with you and hurt you or else he will beat me up. I thought he was joking, but then he sent me a selfie of him, wigless but with Bianca’s face on, in front of my apartment, and girl, I was frightened. He deals with everything in the form of a joke, but not you.” Danny breaks the hug at that, and offers a genuine smile at Justin. Justin takes it.

“You and Katya are good friends now too, but I’m not saying you should settle with that; I also don’t intend to give you advice because don’t take advices from me—Fuck, I’m all over the place. Just—I hope I didn’t ruin your chances.” It was Justin’s turn to give a small smile, but he takes Danny’s hands in his.

“You didn’t ruin my chances, if I had none at the beginning.”

It was Danny’s turn to console him, honestly when did this become a sappy and emotional therapy. “You, idiot, have you seen his reactions a while ago? Have you seen him look at you? The things he does when around you or when things concern you? I mean we, three, have only been in a single show together, but I know he cares, Justin. What do you think happened back there, why he walked out? He probably didn’t fancy talking about your prince charming.”

Danny has a point, but Justin just can’t let himself hope, he knows he’d get hurt; he’s already hurting, fuck it. “He has Trixie though, and—I—it’s just everything becomes messy to me when it involves him.”

“Oh, baby, if Trixie and Katya would be together, they should be married by now. Plus, which ghoul had said this, true love is pain,” Danny tightens their joined hands now.

Justin smiles.

They spent the rest of the time talking about other queens, their feelings, Aspen. In the end, they didn’t get any work done. They ordered food, set a new date, and decided to call it a day.

Right after Danny left, Justin phoned Brian.

“Hey.” Brian picked up.

“Hey yourself.”

“What’s up?”

“Do you want me to go there? Or are you with someone?” Justin asks Brian because he wants to be with him, to talk to him.

“You don’t even know where I am,”

“Are you walking? Your breathing’s uneven.”

“Maybe I’m having sex.” Brian sounded bitter, but Justin

“While on the phone? I didn’t take you as someone disrespectful, in my experience, at least. Plus, you’re old, you probably couldn’t let that up another time after that trade.”

Brian laughs at that, then silence. All Justin could hear was Brian’s breathing and street noise. He was walking.

“No, you are walking, and it’s just your cigarettes finally killing you.”

“Yeah, that’s kinda long overdue, Joanne.” Brian quips.

“I want to be with you. Where are you?”

“Uhh, I just came from Trixie’s; I’m now walking to my hotel.” Of course, on a rough day, Brian would go to Brian, Trixie.

“You’re in the city? Well, where is your hotel?” Justin asks, as he hears hotel doors opening, and the background became more quiet.

Justin’s phone suddenly buzzed. A text from Danny.

Adore: I just passed by Brian as I was about to leave the hotel. Did you two decide to meet up?

“Nevermind, I’m coming to you. Stay at the lobby.”

“No, wai—”

Justin said before Brian could even finish his reply. He ended the call, not waiting for a reply, stood up. He checked himself at the mirror for a brief moment, a black shirt and black jeans, he looked presentable, that was enough. He went out and hurried to the elevator, pressing the button multiple times. When the elevator door opened, he stopped rushing, and stood at the door, just staring on who’s inside. He saw Brian.

“Oh, hi. Fancy meeting you here.” Brian greets him; he looks genuinely surprised.

“Why didn’t you wait downstairs?”

“I thought I’d meet you halfway,”

“Bullshit. You didn’t even know where I was.”

“I’ve heard the statics, mother.”

“Brian.”

Justin looks at Brian. He looks like someone had died. He looks exhausted. Justin could ask him what happened, and Brian could answer along the lines of travel and work. But Justin just wants to embrace him, and just make all his problems go away. But then, Justin seemed to be Brian’s problem. He doesn’t know what to do.

“Technology is really amazing. We’ve been staring at each other for quite a long time now, and the elevator won’t close” Brian jokes, but Justin couldn’t find any humor in the situation. He steps inside the elevator quietly, and it shuts.

As soon as the door shut, Justin could feel the tension, Brian had stiffened. He probably didn’t expect Justin to get in.

“So where to?” Justin asks Brian.

“I should be the one asking you that. You were the one who hopped in.”

“Well I’ve got nowhere else to be. I’m with you now.”

Brian lets out a laugh, “that’s so cheesy, What!”

They just let the elevator take them wherever for the mean time.

Justin smiles, he loves making Brian laugh, but he knew he had to speak; they need to talk. “You’ve been crying.”

Brian suddenly stops laughing and just stares at Justin, then proceeds to concoct an obvious lie “No, Trixie and I just got high. Mark your calendar, it’s the first time she tried being high.”

“Whatever. My guess is you finally watched Contact?” Justin wasn’t having any of it. He is so used to Brian and his antics now. And that’s what makes this more difficult for him, Brian was being Brian, but Justin knows he’s hurt, and he can’t help.

“Something like that, I guess, but what we did was something more spiritually enriching than Contact”

“I don’t believe it.”

“I know right, like Contact was it for me, then add that with Trixie, another it for me. I mean what else could beat that…” Brian looks at him now. Justin doesn’t know what to say. Brian just said how Justin could never mean as much as Firkus means to Brian.

“Yeah, probably marrying Trixie and raising an army of baby Russian dolls eating up everyone,” Justin suggests, to which Brian laughs.

“You just combined in a sentence two of things that I don’t believe in: marriage and raising children,”

Of course, Brian would laugh and have a remark. This is them, their thing. Justin doesn’t know what he’s expecting, but he knows something’s different. Brian could try to avoid the topic and derail them just by laughing or by telling random speeches in different accents and characters, but Justin is impatient tonight, more than usual at least. He can’t put up to talk with another one of Brian’s character, he needs Brian.

Justin actually doesn’t know what he aims in talking with him, but he felt something was off during their video call, Danny had talked to him already, Brian was magically in his hotel. If that’s not the universe trying to tell him something, then he doesn’t know what is.

“Now come on, tell me what’s wrong.”

“You’re wrong.”

“What?”

“Watching Contact with Trixie was it for me, you know what had a more profound effect? Not marrying Trixie and raising an army of Russian dolls, although thank you for the idea, I appreciate you adjusting your thinking to my tastes, or maybe I’ve always liked the way you think without you ever adjusting—”

“Brian,” Justin glares at him, cutting off his babbling.

“Point is, you’re wrong, and the correct answer is me and Trixie were talking about how much of an idiot I am, and how much I’ve grown to love you,” Justin wasn’t able to respond quickly, Brian had said that sentence in one quick breath that Justin almost didn’t catch anything. The elevator doors opened, thank you, Universe, Brian quickly gets out, and Justin was still dumbfounded, but he knew he had to move, so he did. He went after Brian as fast as he could. He spotted him speed walking into a room, and Justin sprinted towards him.

“Brian, wait! Why are you running away?”

“No. Go! All of my peaches are ruined!” Brian turns and sees him and walks faster, but Justin was faster, and he needs answers. He thanked his two long left legs for being good to him once. Brian was about to shut the door to his hotel room, but Justin caught it with his hands, then his foot.

“Brian, let me in. Let’s talk.”

“God, Justin, please don’t make it any more difficult for me. Let go.”

“What, stop closing the door, let me in, and you’ll have less difficulty.”

“That’s not what I meant, idiot. Just—let go! Let go! I don’t want to see you, nor be in the same room as you. Let me lick my wounds in peace alone. I don’t need you to console me nor pity me.” Brian chokes at the last part, and finally looks up at Justin. His blue eyes were glossy, and Justin can’t have that.

“I love you too.” He hears Sharon, in his head, saying that was the butchest thing you’ve done your whole life, and he lets her stay there. But not for a while because he had to focus on Brian. He couldn’t help but focus on Brian. How his tears finally fell, the sounds he made when he cries. Brian removed his weight on the door to wipe his tears away. But Justin takes his hands away and kisses his tears.

“God, I’m crying. I feel like a woman.”

“You are a woman.” Justin embraces him, and Brian hummed as he hugged back. They stayed like that for a while.

They may look like a crazy destructive pair to some visitors, and Justin saw a hotel security personnel eyeing them, so he decided to bring Brian in, and close the door.

They break the hug, and Justin wanted to say a lot of things, but his head feels afloat, and it doesn’t seem like the right time to talk.

“You didn’t let me reply to you back there at the elevator.”

“Well, seems like our recurring theme for today.”

“So, you’ve, uh, finally meet my prince charming.”

“I would say you have terrible taste and we could talk for the whole night, or I could just interrupt you right there, and say shut up and fucking kiss me.” With that, it was settled. They locked eyes for a while, then Justin pushes Brian on the wall just like last time, but this time he kisses him.

Brian tastes the same, just like last time. Peppermint and cigarettes. But somehow this kiss feels different. There was no longer any hesitations in the kiss, no more held back feelings, it was bold and bare.

The kiss was haste, sloppy, passionate, and messy. Justin’s head was a mess, but Brian seems to have that effect on him. So he forgets words, and lets his lips, his body move to relay his message.

 When they finally broke apart, Justin’s hair is now sticking up everywhere due to Brian’s touching and grabbing. Brian’s blues were now a shade darker and blown with lust.

“I want to taste you,” Justin says and proceeds to kneel down, unbuckling Brian’s belt in the process.

“Oh God. Justin, that’s hot.” Justin pulls Brian’s pants down and licked his dick through his briefs.

Justin pulls down Brian’s briefs to let out his half-hard cock and gives it a few strokes while licking the sensitive head before swallowing his cock whole. Brian saw his cock disappear and reappear in Justin’s mouth, feel his tongue accommodate and lick his now throbbing dick professionally, and he could swear he could cum so early from sensory overload.

Brian taps Justin’s shoulder to tell him, he’s about to come. Justin removes his cock from his mouth then, and Brian groans at the loss of contact, but pulls Justin up to kiss him.

It was Brian’s turn to show dominance. He grabs Justin by his collar towards the bed, pushes him and straddles him to remove his shirt. Justin does the same for him. And then, they were all hands and lips again.

Brian starts kissing Justin’s neck, his favorite collarbones, his chest, his abdomen, until he reaches his belt. He looks up at Justin, looking for approval. Justin just nods his head and bit his lips, which Brian took as a go signal.

Soon, Justin’s pants were on the floor, and Brian was asking Justin to lick his fingers.

“Lick, now, open your legs.” Justin does as he is told, and Brian positions himself in between Justin’s legs, then inserts a finger in Justin. Shortly after Brian is inserting his third finger and Justin is a moaning mess.

“Brian, I need you inside me now.” Justin pleas in between moans.

“So demanding, you’d get hurt.”

“I really need you, Brian… please,” Brian almost lost it that so he kisses Justin to shut him up, and stop riling him up any further.

Brian would’ve complied; however, he feels guilty that Justin’s last time was back in Aspen with him as well, so he takes his time.

“Do you have a condom?” Justin asks.

“I’m clean and tested, are you?”

“Are you sure?”

“What does that supposed to mean?”

“You are a whore, so I don’t know,”

“And you are a horse,”

“which makes you a sick horny psycho, stupid.”

Brian doesn’t know why, but he laughs, and Justin follows. Yes, they laugh during sex because this- whatever this is- doesn’t have to change anything between them. They could still have the easy air around them, the care, they can keep the jokes, and the sex is just a bonus. Most importantly, now they have each other. Brian muses at Justin.

“What are you smiling at me like that for?”

“Nothing, just, you’re beautiful, princess.” Brian takes Justin’s hands and kisses them. Justin smiles at him and lets the warmth and comfort- despite feeling sticky, painfully hard, and at an awkwardly angled position- of the moment burn in his memory.

“You know, I would appreciate all this more when I am not painfully hard and awkwardly open, honey” Justin says after a few moments, grabbing Brian down and kissing him. Brian smiles at the kiss, and Justin decides he loves it when Brian does that.

“I like your teeth.”

“Great way to motivate me,”

“Are we doing this or not,”

Brian laughs again, which is why he wasn’t surprised when he felt an extra painful sore at his stomach and a heavy weight on his left arm the following day. He opens his eyes, and suddenly the sore in his stomach was replaced with butterflies, butterflies that are welcomed because the sight before him is all he ever wanted and more. He smiles to himself. The sun is now up, and Justin’s usually pasty white skin is glowing gold and warm. He can’t help but kiss Justin’s shoulder, which makes the sleeping man stir.

“Good morning,” Brian greets as Justin opens his eyes then beams at him. Brian thinks of Bambi, with Justin’s eyes and his long limbs tangled with Brian’s on the sheets, and Brian finds it extremely adorable and fitting.

“I’m starving.” Justin breaks Brian’s trance, and Brian chuckles at that.

“Well, come on up, and get dressed, princess.”

“Ah! I’m a queen, and you’re the people’s princess,”

“I was thinking of disregarding your venomous breath and kissing you, but alright que—”

“Alright, I guess, I’ll allow you to call me and only me princess, only you though”

“I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

“Now, kiss me, stupid,” Justin embraces Brian’s neck and pulls him closer until their lips met.

“You reek of cigarettes,” Justin smiles into the kiss, and Brian has to pull away to laugh, “You reek of my dick.” He, then, stands up, grabs a shirt, and throws one at Justin too.

“Let’s brush our teeth, and get some happy meal.”

“I’m down. You really need a brush.” Justin stands up, and pecks a laughing Brian in the cheek, as he passed by him on his way to the bathroom.

Brian follows suit and stands behind Justin, who was now gargling with some traces of toothpaste on his chin. He looks at Justin on the mirror, he wasn’t wearing anything besides his boxers, he has all this messy white toothpaste on his face, but still he doesn’t fail to hold Brian’s attention. He was wrapped around his long lean fingers, and the realization makes Brian shiver in both fear and excitement of a possible future with Justin. For now, Brian allows a future with Justin.

“Why’re you looking at me funny?” Justin eyes him through the mirror, smiling bashfully, pulling him back to reality. Brian catches a sight of himself in the mirror, and sees he has a stupid dopey smile plastered on his face. He had been looking at Justin like he hung the moon.  Anyone who would see it would undoubtedly know he was in love with the tall and talented queen in front of him. Now, he wants to make sure that Justin knows that he is beautiful and loved very much.

“You’re starting to scare me, Brian.” Justin chuckles, which was cut off immediately by what Brian had said, “Hey, be my boyfriend?”

Brian finally asks, he could feel his heart beating so hard, it might literally leave its cage and just fly out of the window.

Justin knows they had been dancing some weird homosexual mating dance, and it has been very long, and now Brian had finally asked him. It was not a grand courtship ending with an as equally grand declaration of love, but it was perfect. Justin knew the older man as a queen of timing, but he was delayed this time, but it’s fine. This was happening now, and Justin releases a breath he hadn’t known he was holding. He could suddenly feel warm and his heart beating fast, and he could see worry etch into Brian’s beautiful face, and he was suddenly reminded he has to answer.

“Hmm, Bambi and one of Snow white’s dwarf, almost like a fairytale. Disney is shaking.” The answer had sunk into Brian painting a stupid smile on his face, then Justin turned around with an equally stupid smile, threw himself onto the smaller man then smashed their lips before Brian could even laugh or sigh out of relief and joy.

Justin feels so happy he could die; he wants to cry. He had been waiting for this for so long. All of his worries for a future, thrown out of the window for now. For now, he only thinks of how Brian has his hands on his waist, and how he holds him like he’s dear and he has no intention of letting go. The smaller man kisses him and means it, and Justin understands, so he tries to reciprocate and deliver everything he feels at the moment, hoping that Brian would get it too.

Brian is truly definitely genuinely happy. Right here. At this moment. This was everything he hadn’t known he wanted and more. He had been wanting him, yearning to be with him, years ago, even before he entered drag race. Brian never wanted to go through the hurdles of drag race, knowing the pressure the difficult challenges bring, but he wanted to be a part of something so much bigger. He wanted the family that goes along with it. And this, Justin’s weight on his arms, he lets himself think that they are perfect for each other, that everything, all his life was leading to this moment right here; gone were the days wherein he had to go fall in a long line, battle with a crowd just to see Alaska. He’s now with Alaska, and what’s better is that he’s with Justin. He thinks that he would do his very fucking best to not fucking fuck this up because this, this might be one of the best things that has happened to him. And thank God he is sober to enjoy everything.  Then he stops thinking because Justin is very eager, and Brian will definitely not not reciprocate and give and receive and reciprocate.

“You make me so fucking happy, I might kill you before you kill me.” Brian finally says as they break apart, breathless, eyes blown, both very red.

“Right. Balance is important in everything. You’re the psycho breadwinner, and I’m the masochistic trophy wife.”

“Now, let’s really brush our teeth and get ourselves some McDonald’s.”

It was a perfect picture. A happy and successful couple with their happy meals and their love for drag, art, comedy, and each other.

Justin wishes it could stay a picture, painted permanently, and hell knows, he would do whatever to try and make it so.

Trixie answered at the fourth ring, and Brian started fake sobbing.

“Brian? Hey, what’s wrong? Where are you?” Usually, Trixie would start with an insult, but Brian was sobbing on the other end.

“I just—it was a lot of stress and pressure, and I said it would just be one line. I—Trixie, I’m sorry.”

“Brian? No, you didn’t mean…”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I know, it was a dangerous train of thought last night. My head wasn’t clear, and I said I don’t fuck with addiction, but I just. You know I have tendencies, and I just can’t last night. After I went to your place, I just passed by it, and—” Brian intensifies his sobbing sounds.

Trixie was now panicking, he got up, put on some pants and was headed to the door, “Where are you?”

“I’m sorry I relapsed.”

“With what? Do you know?”

“Yes, it was—”

“Hiiieeee, Barbie.” Justin butted in the conversation

“—Alaska Thunderfuck,” Brian finished his last sentence, and Trixie almost dropped his phone. These bitches had him, he was already outside. He doesn’t know whether to be angry or relieved, so he shouts at the phone instead.

“You fucking, bitches! You utter fucking whores!” Trixie screams, but it is drowned by the laughing on the other line.

“We got you.” Brian says, still laughing.

“We got you good. Great acting, babe.” Trixie hears Justin say in his drawl.

Trixie hears a smooch, so he vocalizes his disgust.

“Ugh, Hesus, have mercy on me.”

He hears more laughter and then some apologies.

“So, I guess it all worked out in the end, huh Kat?”

“Yeah, uhh thanks, Brian.” Brian says on the phone, hoping the gratitude comes across.

“Alright, Alaska, thank you for prying Katya away from me. Now, you, cunts, owe me details and brunch, you made me walk outside at such an ungodly hour!”

“It’s literally almost noon now.”

“Exactly, fully booked, honey.” Brian laughs, they say their goodbyes. “Thank you, Trixie,” Justin adds, and Trixie hangs up.

Justin was grateful he has Trixie’s blessing, but then he wasn’t surprised to receive a text threatening to feed him to dogs if ever he hurts Brian. What surprised him was a follow-up message telling him to keep Brian or else he will act out. Justin knows both Brians had grown very close. There was also a time wherein Katya had been very open about his attraction for the barbie doll; however, they never really got together. Trixie could be joking, for all he knows, but he still found it threatening, but he was determined to take care of Brian; he can’t have it otherwise.

From then on, it had been a happy blur of a year of supportive friends, efforts to keep it private, the easy jokes and banter, meeting the parents, the family, greatest stage chemistry from Katya and Alaska that the fans love and swallow, mails, video calls at ungodly hours, quiet times in hotel rooms, digital hand jobs, loud nights in each other’s flats, sexting like teenagers, and a lot of rediscovering and relearning each other.

Many people thought Brian would be taking care of Justin, given the latter’s bratty behavior, but if Brian was to be honest, Justin had done a lot of adjustments for them. Brian never felt neglected nor rejected. And he just hopes he was able to do the same for Justin.

It had been amazing, really. Justin could not remember any bad thing. Yes, there were fights, but they would always be followed by amazing rough or gentle makeup sex. But now, here is Justin laying on his hotel room. About to cry because he had fucked up. It has been three days. Maybe Brian was giving him his space, or he decided he can’t deal with him anymore, or he is with Firkus, realizing how much he’s happier with him.

Justin hates every second of this. He had overreacted. He had hurt, and now he feels so alone. Seeing the video, he just saw also didn’t help, not at all. The worst part is that this proves how insecure Justin is actually in their relationship, that no matter what he does, he could never be the best, he could never be it for Brian. Brian had said so himself, and he had said it again, in that video.

However, he makes sure to keep Alaska out of it. He can’t let Alaska suffer and go back to square one. He can’t see himself going through all of that again with the idea of Brian, not being there, with his weird jokes and terrifying smoker laugh.

Three days ago, it had been one of their rare days off wherein they actually get to be together. They ate dinner, watched the latest episode of Game of Thrones; he listened to Brian review the episode, and they had a few discourse and cute arguments about the show, most of them just Justin teasing Brian, which was then followed by a cute make out session in their couch. It was the usual and they were contented.

It had been a few months since the moved in together. They have stopped sending letters to each other, since they are now living under the same roof, although they rarely feel it.

They were both exhausted, and were now sleeping, until Brian’s phone rang.

“Justin. Pleeeease, I promise to send you to the airport” Brian just grunts and murmurs, and Justin gets what he wants to do. He sits up and feels for Brian’s phone in the drawer beside their bed. He answers it, not bothering to look at the caller, and looks at Brian. Brian just mouths “I love you,” and shuts his eye.

“Hello?”

“Brian? Brian. It’s Brian. And I’m drunk, and I should know better, but he dumped me two weeks ago, right?” Justin was catapulted awake and alarmed at the sound of Trixie, definitely drunk, sobbing. Hard.

“Trixie? Where are you? This is–” Justin gets cut off by Trixie. She can’t probably hear him.

“Please come to me, I need you, Brian. God, why did I reject you? When you were so caring and now, I see how good you are with Alaska, and I might be ruining it for all of us, but why aren’t we together?” Justin’s heart sinks at this. At Trixie being dumped, at her getting wasted, and her wanting to have Brian.

“Alright, Trix, I need you to tell me where you are.”

“You know where to find me.”

“Oh, okay. Stay there. Brian will be there in a few. I’ll tell him.”

“Wait—hold on. Lasky? Fuck. Shit. I’m sorry.”

“No, sweetie. It’s alright. Stay wherever you are. I’ll have Brian pick you up.”

“No, Lasky. I’m— This is stupid. I’m drunk. I’m sorry.”

“I know, that’s why I believe you. Everything, a hundred percent, and you might not remember this, but it’s alright, honey. So calm down, breathe. Drop the bottle, okay? Stay there.” He drops the phone to wake Brian up.

“Brian, hey, Brian, wake up. Trixie is drunk, she was dumped, and she needs you to come to her.” Brian stirred, but sat upright upon hearing Trixie’s name.

“What? Where did she say she was? Why didn’t you tell me sooner?!”

“Alright, I get that you’re panicking, but I’ve talked to her a little bit, and she seemed to have clamed down and sober up. She says you know where to find her.”

“Oh, fuck. I gotta go.”

“Alright, take care.”

Justin watched Brian scurry out of their bedroom. He heard car engines running and moving away. This is alright. He decides to do what he can. He is known to be someone who keeps his word. He’ll stay as long as Brian wants him to, if he no longer needs him to, Justin will go. It has always been that way, and whatever makes Brian happy. He was never it after all. Now, Brian wants Brian and vice versa, so nothing’s stopping Brian from having what is it for him. Brian can be happy.

Justin says that, but what Trixie had said doesn’t get past his head. He had always worried that one day Brian would realize Justin is no longer worth keeping because of his feelings for the barbie, and now presented a good opportunity for both to act on their feelings and achieve happiness. Justin doesn’t want to be the one getting in the way of love and happiness. However, he still got hurt, and he’s thinking a lot, his confidence is shaking, and he feels like crying, but he doesn’t. He figures that packing would be the best idea since he needs to fly in just a few hours, and maybe he wouldn’t see that promise with Brian.

It had been three days ever since Justin flew without seeing Brian. Brian hadn’t contacted him, and he was getting worried. Is it actually over between them; Justin feels exhausted thinking about it. He decides he’ll sleep it off for tonight, and what happens happens. He has been here before; he has been through worse. But the thought of abstaining from Brian McCook, it’s scaring him, so fucking much, and Alaska hates being scared.

//

Brian had gone into Trixie’s. She said you know where to find me, and that would only mean one thing. Trixie was at her apartment’s balcony. She had always gone there when she was dumped and drunk, it would be locked, Brian knows the drill by now, but this time, Justin was the one who had answered the phone. He doesn’t know how that happened or how Trixie felt about that, so the only thing he could do now was get there as fast as he could.

He had hurried into the stairs into his apartment, but when he opened the door, the balcony sliding door was opened, and Trixie was sitting in the sofa, hands on her head. Brian shut the door gently, which made the doll look up.

“You look terrible,” Brian tried, Trixie was still in drag, minus the wig and the boots, and her makeup had run. The first time it happened, Brian was pretty shocked, but he’s used to how graphic things could get now.

“I am terrible; I look terrible, I feel terrible, I did something terrible.” This was how Brian would normally act around her, meaning Alaska had sent him without telling him anything, and it kills Trixie. She had said something she shouldn’t have, got drunk impulsively, but what she hates the most is, she could still feel how happy she is that Brian came.

“Hey, hey, hey, it’s okay. Slow down. What happened?”

“You need to leave.” Trixie stood up, and tried ushering Brian to the door, but he was still too drunk to be able to stand up so she just stumbled and Brian had to hold her up.

“What do you mean? I just got here. Hey, you don’t have to be embarrassed now, I know the drill, now spill.” Brian looked intently into Trixie’s eyes, holding her firmly. Trixie was drunk, she could take advantage of that fact, and just blame it on the alcohol’s effect.

Brian did not saw it coming, so he didn’t know how to react. His brain had blanked out, and he couldn’t really respond eagerly. He doesn’t want to, too worried and confused. Trixie had smashed their lips together, and Brian had his eyes open. The barbie seemed desperate and soon enough, tears were falling in her cheeks again, following the same visible trail of tear stains.

“You really have to tell me now because this wasn’t part of the drill.”

“You did not respond to the kiss,”

“Well, I’m sorry. You know that I am usually an enthusiastic kisser, I love kissing, but you just shocked me there. Plus, I don’t like the taste of alcohol.”

“You’re not gonna say, what the fuck, man?”

“What the fuck, man?” Brian just replied, still confused as ever. Was Trixie just sad and wanted to get laid? That usually did not involve Brian as a prospect fuck, even before he got together with Justin, Trixie never really initiated any kiss, so this was new.

“Would the kiss be different if I repeated it now?” With that, Brian is somehow getting a few strokes of the picture now.

“Trixie, you know I love you, I really do, but for some miracle, you know I am a married woman now, and my malnourished trophy wife is waiting for me at home. I don’t really want to fuck that up.” Trixie started crying again after that. Loud.

“Fuck, I’m sorry. I fucked it up for you Bri.”

“Sorry? Don’t be sorry, honey. He knows that I went here. It’s fine. Justin made me go, actually. He’s also worried about you.”

“That’s the problem! Justin answered the call, but he still made you come here!”

“Trix, calm down. Breathe. Explain. Justin only told me to come here.”

“I was drunk, Bri. I could blame it all on that, but I was just so lonely, and I made a stupid phone call to you, and I told you on the phone how we should be together, and how I’m sorry now that I dumped you, and—”

“Hold on, I don’t remember any of that—”

“Because Justin was the one who answered the call!”

Brian doesn’t panic anymore, but this felt so close to it. He can’t panic now, Trixie still needs to get fixed up, and, and, and he almost forgot! Brian had promised Justin to see him off, and Justin will be away for God knows how long, and they won’t see each other for god knows how long because Brian would also be away, and he knows Justin. He knows his brains. Justin could take this as a sign of a potential break up, that Brian had chosen Trixie over him.

Sure, Brian had thought of a future with Trixie before, but all of those were thrown out the window when he decided to move in with the 49th state. And the kiss with Trixie confirmed it. Fuck, he wishes he could get back just in time, and clear this all up.

“Trix, did you mean any of what Justin heard?”

“I’m sorry, Bri.” A beat, Trixie was looking him in the eye, and this is breaking his heart, but what he found was more heartbreaking to him now, was how much Justin could also be anxious and hurting on his own. “I could move on. You’ve done it, obviously, but I just I don’t want to fuck this up for you.” Trixie looks down and grabs his hand. She has sobered up now, and the emotions seemed very raw in her face, and Brian wishes he could do something to make it go away, but Trixie has to fix that on her own, they both know that. And it would be best if Brian made himself scarce for a while, just a little while.

“You won’t fuck it up. We’ll be okay, we’re strong lesbian, biological, spiritual, female women, and we’ll make it work. Now, let’s get you cleaned up for rest.” He lifts the barbie doll’s chin to look him in the eye, offers a genuine smile which conveys all the fear, but also all the trust that he has in Trixie and in Justin and him. Brian decides that he could give Trixie a hug.

“Thanks, Bri. You really are the most horribly nice person I know, next to myself, of course,” Trixie whispers into him as they break apart, and they were able to laugh now. They still would later on because this hasn’t ruined anything. Their friendship had grown very strong for it to be severed by this incident, and somehow Trixie is content with that. He gets to keep Brian in his life, but this time she knows that he truly is happy.

Brian tried his best to help Trixie fix herself up, asked if Trixie still needs anything, then courtly excused himself out. He looked at the time.

 2:13 a.m.

Justin was probably gone now.

Brian thought of giving Justin his space for now, hoping that he could think about what happened, while Brian tries to figure it out too. It also doesn’t feel right to sort things out in between gigs and through a phone call. He would wait.

They would be seeing each other in three days, and Brian just prepares to surprise his boyfriend.

//

Justin had slept and was told they have the following few days off, so he stayed in his hotel room. He still hasn’t gotten any call from Brian, who had kept him sane, who had kept him collected, who had kept him at his best, who was very addicting, who had kept him sober. This train of thought is dangerous. Soon enough, he’s thinking of having a few drinks, for fun, to feel fancy, to forget, he doesn’t know. But his thoughts are almost filled with how easily accessible the liquors are. Fuck it, he’d have just one glass. And that one glass had turned into one bottle. With each glass he downed, he feels bolder, braver, more miserable, and he wants to stop, but he can’t. He tries to remember the amount of alcohol required for it to be poison in one’s body. He held to that number the whole time. He read their past letters, scrolled through their pictures. He was drunk. He knew that wouldn’t fix anything, in fact it would only exacerbate the problem. He knows that. He’s an adult, but for now he decided to act adult and do the adult way to fixing problems, alcohol.

After all, no one was here besides himself. No one was here just like when he left their apartment. Maybe Brian had actually decided to leave the relationship that they were in, and right now, there was no one here. Justin doesn’t blame anyone, there’s no one here besides himself. He would drown himself in alcohol, nostalgia, regret, and blames for now, in hopes that he would resurface and float back in the morning. He hopes for that, even though that is never the case.

However, that did not seem very wise now that he was notified that Katya would be going up to his room in a few. He looked at the place, suddenly feeling embarrassed and afraid. Brian would be here, he’ll see what Justin had done, and they would really break up. He went to the comfort room to look at himself in the mirror. Drunk, pathetic. He locked himself inside. Brian couldn’t see him now. He couldn’t see Brian like this. He might die if he hears the words he had been expecting Brian to say.

Brian had arrived in the hotel where they will be staying at in U.K. He had requested to share a room with Alaska, which the organizers gladly agreed upon, a saving is a saving. They gave him a key card to the room, and he went there.

Brian did not really know what to expect, but he was expecting Justin to be alright somehow. The sight before him does not scream alright though. Beer bottles had scattered on the floor, along with glasses, and he recognized some pictures and letters he had sent Justin throughout their relationship, but no sign of a Glamazonian princess.

“Lasky? Are you here?” Brian asked into the room, gently closing the door, and tiptoeing around the bottles. He looked at the bed, but it was empty. Justin’s phone was in it. Fuck, Brian wished he had called.

“Justin, I’m here. Where are you?” He tried again, he could feel his throat closing up. Brian did this to Justin. He looked around, and saw some light seeping through the bathroom door. He silently goes there and tries to turn on the knob, it is locked.

“Baby, I’m sorry, I’m here. Open up.”

“You can say it. I’ll be fine. You don’t have to look at me now, I don’t want you pitying me or seeing me cry. Not that I’d cry.”

Brian struggles to hold it in, but he doesn’t cry just yet.

“What are you talking about? You’re drunk.”

“I am not on the program.”

“I know, baby, but you’re drunk. You drink, I know, but you’re drunk this time. Let me help you.”

“Yes, I am drunk, now break up with me.”

A beat, he could hear his heart break at what Justin said. Brian was taken aback by the reply. How Justin sounded like he was so sure it would happen, it sounded like it was definitely not the first time it had crosses the younger queen’s mind, but Brian had never even considered it.

“I’ve prepared myself, Brian. I saw the videos, I know what Trixie wanted, I just want you to be happy.” Justin could see Brian’s shadow at the bottom of the door, he slids down now, too drunk and too exhausted to keep standing up. Brian had never replied, maybe he was rehearsing what he would say, to make it hurt less, to let Justin down easier.

Brian heard Justin slide down to the floor, so he followed him and rest his forehead on the door. The video was for promotion, to make the fans happy. Brian used to think of that, but it was no longer a fact; he had been vocal about it to the fans, to Trixie, and it was all in good nature, but he hasn’t considered how it would affect Justin now, even as a joke.

“I’m sorry, Justin. Please, let’s talk.”

Justin wants to do anything, but talk. He just wants this to be over with. He may not be thinking straight, but he is so hurt and so far gone for Brian.

“Throw away the paper, throw away the mail,”

It had surprised both of them. Justin didn’t even know he started singing until he heard the second line of a very familiar song he had been listening to these past few days. Brian listened.

“Be bad if you want to, be prepared to fail,”

Justin’s voice had started cracking, and he was now sobbing, but he continued to sing the solemn song. In the quiet moments, his sharp breathing could be heard, and it is killing Brian. He had started crying as well. He wanted to protect Justin, give him space, but he did this to him. He was hurting. They were both hurting.

“And all the expectations I would never meet, take you to the point of never believing and you’re tired of me,”

“Justin, please, open the door,”

“Still nobody knows it, something I can’t be, my love.”

It was bittersweet how this song had described everything that was going on Justin’s head. He was so determined to fight for the both of them, but he could never be enough. He would never be the best for him.

“But there’s no one here who loves you like I do, thank god this much is true, thank god this much is true, and there’s no one here who knows just how I feel, thank god this much is real, thank god this much is real, and broken down” Justin had finished the first chorus, and he was full on sobbing now.

“I’m sorry, Brian. I can’t look at you when we break up. It would kill me.”

“We are not breaking up. Let’s speak. Please open the door.” Justin was surprised to hear the raspy voice of the older queen. He had been crying, he sounded desperate and hurt, and Justin wants nothing else but to comfort him, make him stop hurting.

Justin turned the lock on the door. Brian heard the clicking, and stood up to open it to reveal a small Justin curled up on the cold tiled floor, head in his knees, hair sticking out everywhere. Brian is reminded of the small boy that he helped pick himself up, but now he has done this. Brian had made Justin go back to square one.

“I’m sorry.” Justin apologized as soon as Brian enters. Brian mimics Justin’s position directly in front of him on the floor, their knees brushing.

“I’m sorry, Justin.” Brian meant it. He was sorry he let Justin feel this way. He didn’t know how insecure he was on their relationship, and that’s because Brian failed to secure him, and he’s sorry.

“This is pathetic. I’m drunk. I’m sorry. I’m very insecure; I thought I was getting better, but here I am. It’s just, the thought of losing you fucked me up. I love you so fucking much, but there are so many reasons for you to not love me. I’m a baby, I robbed you, burglarized you, I’m a snake. And I had been convincing myself that we wouldn’t be a Needles-Thunderfuck up repeat, but we are because I’m drunk and insecure.” Justin looks up now, and Brian was amazed at how Justin had said it in one breath.

“And you just happen to be a sly snake who stole my heart. I’m sorry I failed to make you feel as confident in our relationship as I am. You were able to give me that security, and I didn’t.”

“It was just a joke, I overreacted.”

“Trixie told me, about the phone call.” Justin looked genuinely surprised with the confession.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, and Justin, baby, my Trixie thing was a long time ago. That was ages ago. I moved in into the 49th state, and my brain and heart was filled with him, I have no room left for a country barbie doll. Trix and I are good friends, we’ll be okay, but you get it.” Brian kneels down now to get closer into Justin, and held his face to make sure, he gets the point across.

“I’m sorry,”

“Hey, don’t be. I’m sorry I still keep on making jokes about Trixie and I, just —I’m here, Justin. I’m here now. I’m sorry I hadn’t called you. I’m sorry I let it get this way”

“I was the one who let it get to this.”

“Will you please stop blaming yourself? We’ll be okay. We’re okay. Plus, you weren’t the only one who was scared shitless and got fucked up at the thought of losing us.”

Brian used the word us, and Justin could now believe that they’ll be okay. Brian really had this calming effect on him. Maybe because of the blue eyes or just how he knows what to say anytime.

“Does that mean we’re not breaking up?”

“I’m disappointed at myself that you even considered that,” Brian was about to kiss Justin, but the taller queen stops him. “I’m drunk,”

“That’s fair,” but Brian still kissed him, and Justin could feel the difference in this kiss. Brian was trying to get a point across, and Justin could understand it, he could melt into the kiss.

When they break apart, Brian had showered his face with kisses and embraced him. Justin lets himself fall into Brian’s warmth.

“Hey,” Brian calls, and pulls out of the hug gently. “You know I love you, right?” Justin nods now, having gained confidence from their talk.

“Do you still feel like drinking?” Oh, Justin had almost forgotten that he had gotten drunk, the heat that the alcohol gave him was replaced by a warm fuzzy feeling only Brian could give him.

“No, um, I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.”

“I don’t want to pressure you into anything, you can get rid of the bottles in your own time or if you want me to do it, just tell me.” Brian prepares to stand up, and kiss Justin’s head.

“Now, come on up, you need a shower.”

“Help me clean first?”

Brian was surprised by Justin’s decision, but he was glad to help his lover.

They had cleaned the place, Justin making sure he grabbed every bottle and placed it on the trash bag Brian was holding. They had cleaned up after that and tidied the room. They ordered room service and had a Golden Girl’s marathon.

Justin had always hated the impermanence hotels gives him, but right here, right now, as he buries his head into Brian’s shoulder, allowing himself to sleep on an episode, Rose’s interesting stories fading into the background, the hotel looked like theirs, with their drag and their trash, and they’re both here, together. He smiles as he feels a kiss on his forehead, as he fell asleep.“Good night, princess.”